#Paz rambles

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

need to put this here, because I re-watched this again for the first time since I watched it live that night, on 10 Dec 2016 -I hadn't been strong enough to watch it a second time.. until tonight, over 8 years later.

i had forgotten about the ending where Lou visibly fought the tears once Simon mentioned Jay being so proud of Louis and then Lou sending a kiss to the sky to her. probably because my own vision was completely blurred from tears by then.

he was so fucking brave, so incredibly strong to go through with that performance. i still don't know how he did it, but he did; with all of his loved ones backstage to support him through the night. we didn't see much of the behind the scenes, pre- and post performance, and i don't feel comfortable making guesses about his well-being or state of mind; i am just so glad to know he wasn't alone to go through whatever it is his mind sent him through.

man, it will never not be absolutely painful to remember that time. i've lost a parent when i was 17 and if someone would've asked me to perform 3 days later... no. absolutely not. if i'd been 24, same thing.

in a dictionary under the phrase "keep going, you can do it" is a picture of Louis Tomlinson.

Steve telling Louis JHO reached #2

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

Louis' PING Profile ✨ (Jan '11 - Sep '12)

this is the rebloggable post linking to THIS very long post, in which I archived + transcribed all info of the 60+ screenshots of Louis' PING (iTunes) profile, which he used Jan 2011 - Sep 2012.

🎧 I also created a Spotify playlist of all the songs Louis liked, posted and bought.

and a few sneak peeks that made emo :') these are all from 2011

A huge shoutout to Kate @hotsauceharry for taking all the 60+ screenshots 13 years ago, so that we didn't lose all this info 💖

[misteria247]

Imagine time cuz I'm insufferable unfortunately.

But like Ford one day is home alone. Dipper's gone out with Mabel and Stanley, leaving him alone for once. So he's ya know doing his thing, enjoying the peace to the best of his ability when the Mystery Shack door bursts open. Ford looks up, startled because the shop should be closed. And Soos and Melody were in town currently. And he peeks his head around the corner to spot someone he never would have suspected to come to his doorstep. None other than Pacifica Northwest. But that's not the concerning part that puts him on edge.

It's the fact she looks like she's been crying.

Ford's immediately in Gruncle mode, because how could he not when there's a child who's obviously distressed. He sees Pacifica stiffen up when she notices him and he puts his hand up in a peaceful gesture. Looking her up and down and noticing she's got scraps and cuts from what looks like a tumble onto the ground. Ford gestures for her to come inside, letting her know that Dipper and Mabel would be home soon if she wanted to wait up for them. The blonde just nods, not meeting his gaze due to embarrassment. She takes a seat at the kitchen table and Ford gets to work finding band-aids and medicine. It's quiet between them and Ford doesn't know how to break it when Pacifica breaks it. By asking a simple question.

"What do you do, when nothing you do is ever good enough?"

And the older man just freezes. Because he wasn't expecting such a heavy question from someone like Pacifica Northwest of all people. Ford thinks about it, sensing it's a complicated situation for her. And while he's thinking of a response he thinks of his father and how he felt when he couldn't ever do enough for the older man no matter how hard he tried. And while it's not exactly the same it helps him give a response.

"If what you're doing isn't enough, then you move onto something new. There's always going to be some situation or person, where nothing you do will change it. So you have to keep going and go your own way sometimes. There's no shame in it."

And Pacifica she kinda takes it, thinking about it before just giving a nod. Ford leaves it at that, hoping that it helps her somewhat. He doesn't know exactly what's up, but he knows that Pacifica is clearly struggling with something. So he'll try his best to offer advice whenever possible. Especially when it's a friend of his grand niece and nephew.

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

in Gothenburg Sweden, 23 June 2015 was also where Harry waved the Sweden national flag that had the AIMH tweet printed on the other side (something one could say was in kind of the first "Pride Flag" he waved 🥹)

This entire post -- gosh, that was such a fucking overwhelmingly wild time to live through on here. Even just reading through this timeline, I'm having war flashbacks.

And there was SO much more happening too.. 2015 was a very long decade for them and us.

I still distinctly remember thinking at some point in March/April 2015 "Since WHEN is Louis such a party boy?? hUH? what's going ON? 🤨"

Because the sudden MASSIVE avalanche of the party boy articles and pap shots were super overwhelming and didn't feel organic or "normal" for him at all. Also the amount of strange women he was suddenly papped with.. like.. if you knew how he had usually been papped while maybe out a party.. -- there were usually mostly GUYS around him when he was out partying- IF he even was! Louis wasn't a 'wild club night party boy' - until suddenly he was made to be one.

it felt extra WEIRD AF that he'd suddenly be so cock-in-the-hen-pen.. if one knew the Louis he showed himself as before that. Maybe I'm forgetting something big here, but iirc he didn't really have obvious girl friends before- really mainly just his mates and his beard (E), but E was I think next to never papped out partying with Louis (or maybe I have repressed that memory lmfao) - so THAT was why everything felt so was so EXTRA sus

I obviously can't speak for the entirety of us Larries back then, but within my 'group' it was so obvious to us that he was playing a role even before any of babygate was announced. We just didn't know what the hell was going on; if that was just something to further put distance between Harry and him. For a few weeks I thought "yeah, they're showing him 'partying with a group of strange girls to now also make not just Harry, but also Louis into a womanizer'. (oh, how wrong I was)

Nothing made sense until it suddenly made sense and then it was just A WHOLE MESS when GMA happened. 😭 I remember being in shock the entire day. And feeling so fucking awful for Louis. And for Harry. Anyone who had paid attention to H&L as real people was able to look right through that horrible stunt that had been kicked off. (and goodness how naive we were, thinking it would be a short-lived thing, paternity test after birth, oh it's not his kid, good riddance... 🙃) Anyone who knew them knew it was an absolutely sinister & extremely heavy-handed stunt.

Concert signs, pregnancy allusions, interviews, fonding, and colorful bears: selections from June–October, 2015

5 June, Cardiff: first show of OTRA Europe xx

(this post could be twenty times longer than it already is…)

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6 June, Cardiff

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19 June, Oslo

Harry Magee is present at the concert.

Liam reads “Always in my heart @Harry_Styles” sign, not shown on screen – ‘That is beautiful,’ he says, ‘Absolutely beautiful stuff.’

Harry during Little Things:

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23 June, Gothenburg:

Sign shown on screen:

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26 June: Louis is papped with Tamara Bell at Glastonbury Music Festival. (People.com posts story on 28 June)

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27 June, Helsinki 

Liam: [There just happens to be a small child there!?] Louis: What’s this baby doing here? Liam: (mock outrage) Who’s thrown their baby on the stage! That’s outrageous! Louis: (tosses the baby away) It’s not real!

Liam: Oh no! Louis: It’s not real. It is not real. Liam: …It is a fake baby, it was fake, for all those people out there who think that was a real baby.

The following sign shown onscreen:

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9 July, San Diego (first show of N. America tour leg)

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14 July: People.com reports pregnancy news (at a reported 11-weeks-gestation)

Dan Wootton didn’t get the exclusive!  (‘Yes, Ann Marie Thomson, head of Syco PR is married to Pete Samson who started his career with The Daily Mirror in 2003 and moved to The Sun in 2007 and broke the news that Louis would be a dad in July. That world exclusive belongs to him and he is married to Syco’s PR Directory. Think about that.’ xx)

In early May, Louis was papped with Briana in LA (other people in this video include Oli, Calvin, and Ashley). At least 25 “lothario Louis” articles are published at dailymail.co.uk before “father-to-be Louis” is announced in July.

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15 July, Seattle: first concert after pregnancy announcement

(The stadium fell oddly silent, and Liam commented that things had gotten awkward and uncomfortable.)

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17 July, Vancouver:

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24 July, Winnipeg:

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4 August: on Good Morning America, Louis is offered congratulations on the pregnancy

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Harry during Story of My Life

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5 August, E. Rutherford:

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20 August, Toronto:

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27 August, Cleveland:

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24-30 Sept: UK tour leg begins with six shows at the O2 in London.

RBB and SBB, below, displayed before the first show. They didn’t appear at any other London shows:

Technical difficulties:

Briana seen with Louis’s family at O2 shows (Daily Mail)

30 Sept: Louis is papped leaving club, accompanied by brunette women

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3 October, Manchester: Harry during Little White Lies

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7 October, Glasgow: During the STV interview, the baby is specifically mentioned to Louis for the second (and last time).

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9 October: Daily Mail reports that Louis is ‘clearly excited’.

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10 October: RBB starts tweeting

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13 October:

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20 October, Belfast: One Direction suddenly cancels the night’s concert

Louis is offered nonspecific congratulations at the end of UTV interview

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21 October: interview with ET after cancelled/postponed concert

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31 October, Sheffield: last night of OTRA tour

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A strong part of me wants this to be truly comprehensive, but there’d probably be 673 gifs involved. I gave up on linking everything (message me, of course, if you’d like credit or a particular link).

[campbenji]

how are they going to wrap everything up in the next 10 episodes. i can think of at least 5 unanswered plot points off the top of my head wdym they're going to wrap it all up in one more season

[pines4thetwin]

Stan and Eda as divorced besties where they have a lil reunion when both of their world ending crises are over and Eda realizing Stan is in love with his brother and she's just like nods "I get it". Eda is in love with Lilith and I'm not taking criticism on that.

Anyways Raine = Fiddleford

[maybege]

new Paz AU idea: you are the weather fairy of a local TV channel and Paz is the cameraman 🥺 imagine the little banter in the studio over your colourful outfits or his wink when he catches you looking at his tattooed arms, carrying all that gear around.

being sent "out into the world" to do little weather segments around town and him encouraging you from behind the camera, imagining - as he looks through the lense - that your smile is just for him 🥺🥺

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

adding the 3rd interview from that day here, the one where Harry says Louis is a good boyfriend and treats him really well.

the tag here from 2015 was "and they haven't done an interview together in the last 3 1/2 years" and now it's almost 13 years later and they have never ever been allowed to do another interview together.

clown ass Syco & Modest! behaviour

like, i need to rant for a second. my memory is awful, so i basically watched these interviews with fresh eyes. they're obviously super comfortable (dare i say: domestic) with each other. the flirting, the banter and the mirroring, and how it sounds like they already knew every single answer the other one is gonna give.. everything is so lovely. it's so obvious how how they sometimes get lost looking at each other and how freely and easily they touch each other. but watching these also got me thinking if you think about interviews where Harry actually said to Zayn, about Louis: "Don't say that.. that he's gay!" (x) Harry: "Lou, can I give you a blowjob?" (x) Harry: "Louis'.. Louis' boyfriend!" / "Can't choose boyfriend." (x) Louis: "And I'd marry you, Harry." (x) Louis: "I'd take Harry for the night." (x) (For my a dinner date I'd choose) Harry: "You, Louis." (x) Harry: "My first real crush was Louis Tomlinson." (x) Fan: "Are you and Louis dating?" Harry: *nods & blushes* (x) Liam: "She looks like Harry". Then, Louis: "Marriage. Sex, everything." (x) Liam: "Female." - Harry: "Not that important." (x) (re: sleeping with a man) Harry: "Hey, don't knock it 'till you try it!" (x) Harry to Louis: "Now kiss me, you fool!" (x) Fan question: "What does Harry taste like?" - Louis: "Salt and vinegar." (x) and their million domestic tweets at and about each other (extensive tweets tag by the wonderful @skepticalarrie)

(and these are only the ones that quickly came to me off the top of me tired brain), then that decision truly baffles and angers me even more. There's like dozens and dozens more instances like the mentioned+linked ones, oftentimes where words weren't even said and they just touched or looked at each other.. and oh my god.. the FRISCO interview just a month after Paris, where Louis declared "some people genuinely think.. they GeNuiNeLy think that we're together!" and Liam says "You are, though, aren't ya!" and Harry just nods, all dazed and still wearing his cock-appointment-blush and then Zayn moves the topic towards him and Harry and curiously, nobody ever says "so it's not true!". and then the air kisses and sign language love declarations and their at least 6 obviously matching tattoos (that we know of, standpoint Feb 2025). the absolutely besotted way they looked at each other from day one. the way they verbally supported each other; defended each other and got obviously jealous over someone else touching either of them. and the rings Harry was gifted by Louis that he's still wearing almost 12 years later... like--

all of this still happened despite them never again being interviewed just the two of them or even getting a fucking segment just the two of them during things like 1D Day! which is so telling.

and all of this compared to how they behaved with each other during those Paris interviews -the ones that were -to Modest! obviously too much? let's be SO fr.. in my personal opinion, those interviews are very tame compared to everything else. they're rather sweet and polite and they didn't even touch each other nearly as much as they did in group interviews, because obviously that is safer, because you've got a lot more distraction for the eye with five guys instead of two. In one of the 3 interviews, Louis is even pretty quiet and calm; just seems very peaceful (or thoughtful). (which is just my personal interpretation, there could be lots of reasons for it)

And they were the same age in Paris as they were for a lot of the things they let slip in other group interviews then. sometimes when they didn't know it was being picked up by a mic or camera, but oftentimes they knew and still couldn't / didn't want to stop themselves :')

I could write a lot more about the hypocrisy of it all or how devastating it still feels and how angry it still makes me -almost 15 years later-, how swiftly and deeply they were shoved into the closet, when every other very private detail of their personal lives was being dragged into the public, twisted and turned and "marketed" to death. (and the latter was obviously fucking damaging to all of them) I shudder to imagine how much homophobia they were exposed to by the people who were supposed to nurture and guide them when their families and friends couldn't be with them. Obviously, the fact that they -so early on- were tried to be kept separated like that portrays just how desperate Clowndest! tried to do "damage control". And of course they failed, but not for lack of squeezing these two into such a sinister iron closet for so many years; piling up contracted lies upon contracted lies that added to all the pressure of two young people who were giving their love a try.. the more lies they piled up, the harder would it be for them later on.

and now look where we are now. they persisted, but at what cost?

Louis & Harry Paris Interviews

How many interviews are there of just Louis and Harry? I’m talking video interviews of L + H, sans Niall, Liam or Zayn to babysit them. There seem to only be a grand total of 2. And both took place on the same day. (February 14, 2012…Was it really on Valentine’s Day??) The Teemix interview below is broken up into 4 parts, but it’s all one interview.

This post actually took me longer than you might think because I tried so hard to find other video interviews of H + L. There aren’t any. Shocking, right?

L’Interview Paris - Fan2Fr

Highlights include: 

At 4:30 Louis reading Harry’s Hot and Dangerous on the fan-art: “Of course he’s hot” 

4:51 Harry says of Louis, “I would describe it more as funny and handsome and rugged…A bit more manly” and Louis gives the brightest most amused smile to the camera.

The looks they give each other at the end of the video with the whole ‘dangerous dave(?)’ thing. Many people hear Harry say ‘I’ll get you for that tonight’ in response. I suck at deciphering these things, but it would make sense given  Louis’ laughing reaction to it.

Teemix Interview 1 of 4

Louis’ face at 3:24 when waiting for Harry to describe Niall’s characteristics.

Louis softly pushing Harry’s hair back at 3:40 when describing him as ‘curly.’ He just..keeps..going..oh my god it’s adorable.

Teemix Interview 2 of 4

The way they finish each others’ sentences, talking about being normal lads. They seem so in sync and sound so relaxed about it.

At 0:38 – L: We still pop down to the shop every now and again– H: Bread and milk. L: Yep, the standard.

Teemix Interview 3 of 4

At 0:20 when describing their ideal girl, Harry corrects Louis’ ‘good sense of humour’ comment with ‘GREAT sense of humour’ and Louis nods ‘yeah’ with the most earnest, serious agreement I’ve ever seen from a person in a boyband answering a generic question. They’re clearly describing each other.

This entire segment is a ridiculous display of how calm and in sync these two are. Telling the story of Liam’s chat up lines, agreeing on their favourite date spots (1:35), Louis proudly suggesting ‘cook them their favourite meal’ (2:12), they’re so at ease with each other and so willing to agree on every little thing.

At 2:42 Louis tries to figure out how long he’s been with Eleanor and Harry suggests ‘a year?’. Harry’s just straight-up laughing at this point and again, clearly talking about him and Louis.

‘I would definitely say Harry is the most confident with girls’ and then he GRINS.

The way they’re smiling at each other at the end is too much. Louis tells Harry, ‘you’re on a whole new level of charm, man’ and can’t stop grinning.

Here’s a slow-mo gif of Louis’ cute head roll, when faced with having to choose his favourite love song. 

Teemix Interview 4 of 4

They cut off Louis at 1:52 here and it makes me realise I can’t even imagine what the unedited version of these L + H interviews is like…

[journal420]

Please, tell us (me) more about your pinecest x paz thoughts / timeline. Are pinecest together before they realize they’re into Pacifica? Does one of the twins date Paz and accidentally groan the other twin name instead of her’s during intimacy? Do one of the twins become selfless and try to push the other twin to date Paz — because they know deep down they’re hopelessly in love with both their twin and Paz?

rubs my hands together like a fly

SO.... honestly in my head i think for them, pacifica crushes on the twins for a loooong time. on both of them. she goes through phases thinking she's straight, then a lesbian, then realizing wow i like them both at the same time. then she hates herself for being "weird" about it. i like to think she's straight up bi but has internalized homophobia cause of her parents

i like to think the twins are weirdly codependent and in love in that way, and while they teeeechnically know its not "healthy" they could Not Care Less, because theyre happy being themselves with eachother (and have bad influences COUGH THE STANS). their relationship is ambiguously Undefined they just know they do everything together. including being romantic

pacifica over the years becomes a staple at the mystery shack. maybe she even takes wendy's place as cashier when wendy eventually goes to college. she goes from being overly formal with everyone (mr. pines, mr. pines 2, mr. ramirez, etc) to being semi casual (mr. stan, mr. ford, mr. soos,) to just being straight up casual. hell she's let a couple "grunkle stans" slip out. she's just another part of the group that hang around the shack and she gets super close to dipper and mabel which doesnt help her crushes

i like to think that at some point pacifica breaks and admits she likes them. maybe she phrases it "i like you!!! and more than just a friend!!" to both dipper and mabel who stare at her and then are like "did. did you mean that for me or for -" and pacifica is like "i meant both of you!!!" . she'd probably run off in embarrassment after that too leaving mabel and dipper to talk about what to do now and how they both feel about pacifica

i love the angst potential of one of the twins trying to be Selfless and stay away so the other can be with pacifica, but in my head theyd only get into dating around 17 and at that point the twins already know theyre weird with eachother and are totally chill with it

honestly IDK how pacifica would react to learning that dipper and mabel are romantical together and that they also both like her back. apart of me thinks she'd be grossed out but come around or she'd just be like "oh well im an only child so i dont really get it. must be different for twins i guess!" and she doubles down on that viewpoint after realizing the stans are the same LMFAOAOAOOA. the idea that the pines family tree is just a circle is really funny to me and pacifica gets roped into it (gladly) LOLOL

[bitchin-beskar]

Hear me out

I see your wearing Paz’s jersey and that makes him want to fuck you and raise you (inspired by the recent ask)

Paz fucking you while you’re wearing only his jersey

-💛

💛 anon, babe, please let me apologize for leaving your asks in my inbox for so fucking long 😭 I have missed your delicious thots about CAR!Paz, and I am more than happy to add to my collection of rambles for him 🤤

anyways

it takes you some time to make the connection between the jersey and the fucking. honestly, not your fault, paz is fucking feral regardless of if you're wearing his clothes or not.

but eventually you realize the look in his eyes when you're wearing his jersey is just slightly different than his usual hungry stare.

you run a little experiment, and quickly make the connection. it becomes one of your most favorite ways to tease him to say nothing of the way it makes you feel to wear his name again, emblazoned across your back like a very public claim, the kind of claim that you wouldn't get to have otherwise.

but probably the most memorable time was the one where you hadn't even thought about it, you'd simply been way behind on laundry.

damn near every article of clothing you owned was in the washer or dryer, including most of your socks, panties, and bras. you didn't have anywhere to be that day, so you just slipped on the first shirt you'd grabbed out of Paz's closet, only realizing after you'd put it on it was his spare jersey.

it brought a stupid little smile to your face, and you happily went about your day, doing chores here and there that neither of you had had any free time to complete. little things, like putting away old holiday decor, organizing the stacks of bills and mail on the counter, finally taking a magic eraser to the stupid stain on the wall that both of you swore you had no idea how it got there.

you were up on your tiptoes, arm raised above your head as you scrubbed at the last of that stubborn little stain, when large hands suddenly bracketed your waist and whirled you around.

pulse pounding from the surprise, you looked up at paz, only slightly annoyed that he'd interrupted you right before you managed to finish the last chore, when you caught the look on his face.

eyes darker than the blackest night, pupils swallowing any color that might've been left in his irises, chest heaving like he'd been running a karking marathon before coming home, tendons in his neck standing out due to the stiff way he held himself.

before you had any time to ask him how his day had been, or what he'd been up to, or why he looked like he was five seconds away from losing his godsdamned mind, he abruptly fell to his knees.

you had no warning, he just hooked one of your legs over his shoulder and buried his face in your pussy.

immediately, your head fell back, thunking against the wall as your hands found his hair, hips already twisting and grinding to try and get closer to his divine mouth.

he ate you out like a man starved, absolutely zero shame as he let your juices coat his face and jaw. he moaned low in his throat as he devoured you, the vibrations sendings sparks through your core and making your fists tighten in his hair.

he didn't stop until you'd come at least twice, although it did blur together a little bit, the pleasure was so intense, so it might've been more than that, you weren't exactly sure.

only when your legs were almost collapsing underneath you did he finally stand, roughly shoving the waistband of his sweats down to bare his cock, hard and weeping.

paz hooks your leg over the crook of his elbow, spreading you open obscenely.

paz watches as he sinks into your cunt, inch by fucking inch, the small, shallow thrusts driving you absolutely insane as he slides into you all the way to the hilt.

your hands are clutching at his broad shoulders, mouth open and gasping for air as he begins to fuck you roughly, right there in the hallway of your apartment.

he's practically feral, sucking marks into your neck and pressing you harder against the wall.

paz is the only thing keeping you upright at this point, you're so fucked out and dazed it's all you can do to hold on and not pass out from sheer pleasure rushing through your body.

it doesn't take long before you're coming again with a scream, and paz follows shortly behind you with a low groan of his own, teeth sinking into the tendons of your neck, leaving a bruise that will be hard to cover up.

he slowly pulls out, helping steady you as he places your leg back on the floor. you're panting, sweaty and likely look like a mess, but paz is looking at you like you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen.

it's overwhelming.

you can feel his spend starting to leak out of you, and you look up at him with a smirk.

"you made the mess, you clean it up."

[hoovesandfloorpaws]

"Larry!" - "Don't say that."

Tumblr didn't let me upload it, so to YouTube it went!

I looked for this because of this ask sent to Gina @twopoppies. The moment starts around 12:00. I also agree with Gina that Roman seems to know H & Lou personally since at least 2017. And I'm pretty sure he knows they're (practically) married. We know they don't hide in professional circles (as well as with adult family and friends), but Roman also knows he's not supposed to mention it publicly, so the 'don't say that' makes perfect sense. Ironically, Roman's also the one who called Louis "Louis Styles" twice in succession in a livestream in 2020 while talking very quickly, before becoming self-aware and realising his mistake.

[sw4ns0ngs]

Omg I’m so sorry for spamming Mouthwashing stuff 😭 I know y’all originally followed me for Paz 😔

[wachi-delectrico]

Empecé a jugar al Skyrim ayer y creo que lo que más hice hasta ahora fue leer libros

[misteria247]

Look I know I've probably been insane the past few days with the Fiddleford and Pacifica stuff but like-

Stanley and Mabel. Ford and Dipper. Fiddleford and Pacifica.

Do you see what I'm putting down??? Why they're rotting my silly little brain your honor???

[avaitor]

Punching the air rn sobbing into the pillow rn

THEIR FRIENDSHIP

paz and kaz would've been too powerful if PW didn't happen 😔

mutually pining 😭

[toxicangelrobotyuri]

I LOVE PAZ ORTEGA ANDRADE <the version i fixed in my head

disclaimer: I did some major projection to get to this point and i acknowledge that most of the meaning im getting from her character was not kojima's intentions im just taking what i saw and running because im GOOFY!1!1!1!1!

OKAY SO- PAZ REMINDS ME OF THE POC STRUGGLE SO MUCH ITS INSANE- especially a latina one-

The way she has to hide all her anger and resentment just for the mission- keeping away all her actual feelings and making herself as palatable as possible- cute, demure, innocent and sweet, everyones dream girl- and most importantly non threatening- reminds me of the masking one has to do to do move up in a place that hates them- i know in the case of the game its for the sake of being a spy for cipher but at the same time- it specifically reminds me so much of the masking POC have to do- having to suck up to authority and make yourself as ideal as possible- becoming what someone else wants you to be for the sake of your "mission"- even the selectiveness of how Paz came to be- the last one standing among the other candidates for "Paz"- thats really how it feels trying to move up in society as a POC- i cant help but think of how so many systems in the USA filter out POC until theyre only left with the palatable and idealistic POC that they can parade around as a symbol of their progressiveness- SHES JUST SO- THATS HER- THATS LITERALLY HER- cipher groomed her into becoming the person "Paz" was- cipher groomed her into denying her own identity for the sake of infiltration- the same way some POC are groomed into "infiltrating" their way up society-

EVEN THE WAY HER NAME IS PAZ, PEACE, SHES GROOMED INTO PRETENDING TO BE PEACE- and in this POC struggle rep im setting up, you could say that she represents the FAUX peace- a fake peace- that "progressive" white spaces groom into existence- a peace that isnt peace at all-

MOVING ON

in MSF Paz ends up being loved and cared for and actually having fun- but at the same time none of that is real- and she struggles so much because the real her isnt receiving those things- the she that she constructed is- she wishes the self that she was forced to make was her- that it was natural to be that person because thats the person everyone loves- thats why she tries to extend the charade so long- but at the same time she knows that the person shes pretending to be isnt actually her which is what makes it so painful because then do they really love you- or do they love the you that you constructed- and all at the same time she still hates them because theyre the ones who cant love the real her- theres such a strong dissonance there and it never even gets resolved as she isnt even given the decision to move forward with things or not- her choice is stolen from her by cipher-

if i wanted to make a massive stretch this could also be thrown into the POC struggle narrative- wanting to be loved but the white people giving "love" only giving it to the palatable you- you know youre on thin ice at all times and can never be the real you- the you thats angry and resentful- unless you want to be stripped of everything- but i think the MSF being kinda- very opposite to society messes with that- but it still feels like a very relatable experience for anyone who masks to a more extreme extent (cough*me*cough)

ah but the way I fixed the construction of Paz i made in my head regarding the creepy Big Boss x Paz stuff was by explaining the weird away by believing that she was comphet projecting a crush- shes a lesbian to me and strangelove was her awakening thank you very much <3

ANYWAYS IM NOT GONNA TALK ABOUNT GROUND ZEROS BECAUSE THAT WAS JUST STRAIGHT MESSED UP AND IM NOT GOING TO DEFEND THAT AT ALL- THAT WAS JUST- WRONG- SO WRONG- the one thing i will say is that her favorite song being "Here's to You" and her death being her jumping out of the helicopter- fits very very well- that decision to throw herself out of the helicopter- really was one of the only decisions she made herself- "that last and final moment is yours, that agony is your triumph"- her first and last moment of autonomy- being her deciding what happens as she dies- it just- mmmgmngnsdhughekgliuhaeihfgiluwhi (i am crying as i write this) I love Paz

And as for phantom pain- that wasnt Paz there- she was once again made into someone constructed to be as ideal as possible- even her language in the tapes- its was so obvious just from hearing the way she spoke- but at the same time i think Paz would have been happy that her sacrifice meant something to at least one person-

ANYWAYS YEA

THATS HOW I FIXED PAZ IN MY HEAD

SHES ALSO TAN TAN AND HAS CURLY HAIR AND HAS A REAL ACCENT 👍

to me

to me at least

im just as bad as the rest of MSF i constructed a Paz that I love in my head which is super super ironic

THIS CONCLUDES WHY I LOVE PAZ ORTEGA ANDRADE AND AM THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS HER <3333