#REAL EMO HOURS LADS

[c-anguineus]

just sat here thinking abt how you insisted you had no feelings for me but the night before i left nyc you held me for hours and hours

[esta-elavaris]

Hello! Same anon as yesterday for Catch the Wind - I just wanted to add that I really love that you research things! It is so nice to see that you don't just use stereotypes of the genre. It is very refreshing as someone who takes interest in historical things! And it shows through but you don't write down all the research so it's not becoming a history book (which I personally would still read lol) but it shines through. And of course there are bound to be inacuracies because they come from the very movies themselves BUT that is ok because everything else is so well done that it just neatly sits there. Suspense of disbelief and all that I mean magic and Achtland and Jones exist soo. It doesn't HAVE to be 100% accurate but it has a very good foundation in historical stuff! (Also I am by far not an expert of anything history but still)

So thank you for not only creating and writing these characters so well but also for putting them in an invironment that I thoroughly enjoy!

Oh and. And thank you that Theo doesn't fall into the "I'm not like other girls" trope! She is strong and independent but also she doesn't have to complain about the dresses all the time in order to be so. Or the corset trope.

I just love your story so much!!

Honestly it was always kinda funny when I ended up having to do historical deep dives for the sake of literally one throwaway sentence, which was why I usually ended up putting full explanations in my notes - not just as a way of being like "I do know what I'm doing sometimes lol" but because if I could put two or three paragraphs rambling about it at the end, I didn't feel like I'd just spent an hour digging into the next best historical alternative to a coffee table would be.

Thank you! 💜 I'm glad you enjoyed it! Avoiding the whole "not like other girls" thing was really important to me, not just because it's a gross trap to fall into. Literally the first thing I decided going into the story was that Theo and Elizabeth had to be friends, I really didn't want to make more of a thing than was wholly necessary of "boo hiss she's my competition, she's evil" especially as Elizabeth didn't return Norrington's feelings, so like? If she was a rival at all, she didn't even want to be, really? The idea of her always being at odds with the only really super prominent female character from the thing left a bad taste in my mouth. Also because it could just get so exhausting so quickly.

And it just felt so much more real and uh? More mature? I guess? For her to not mind the gowns and the dressing up for social occasions, rather than going down some weird route where she whines about the whole thing the way some 14 y/o emo kids pretend that the sight of pink makes them physically sick. Like she's a bit of a tomboy, but I never saw her as not being comfortable in her femininity either.

Like, if by the time the real drama and hardship hits, Theo has already spent 50k words by that time whining and complaining about having to wear skirts, basic gender rules of the time (deservedly or not, in that case), and crop tops being out of the question, the high-stakes hardship doesn't feel weighty, it just feels like yet another thing for her to complain about? I think she's a pretty pragmatic character, she can mostly roll with the punches, she's not going to choose something like skirts or corsets as her hill to die on, even if she finds them impractical at times. Plus I think she'd recognise that she was pretty lucky with James in that respect, because he's not really a "women should be seen and not heard" type of lad.

Plus, I know it was an actual plot point of the first movie and all, so I can mostly wave it away because of that, but the whole corset thing is one of the few things I do not like about the first one and the whole "you like pain? try wearing a corset!" line always makes me cringe 💀

But yeah, the movies having little slips like that really helped because it kinda gave me permission to play around with things a bit more than I could if it was 100% historically sound. Like you said, inaccuracies absolutely slipped through (some I was aware of, undoubtedly some that I wasn't, too), but I tried to approach it from a standpoint of like, if the majority of it was historically sound and reasonable enough, people would be more willing to suspend disbelief where it mattered because the rest felt believable.

I am so sorry for this beast of an answer 💀

[fellhellion]

fellas is it home of sexual to be the same person broken in two

[karajaynetoday]

When we’re 60 years old we’ll be reminiscing of these times 🖤

🎥: @ryanfleming

[kimskj]

anyway why do i feel like my heart has been broken if i never was in love

[swordbending]

.

[eldesperadont]

real missing Hiromu hours my dudes

[manicpixiedust]

oh to be able to disappear from the face of the planet so as to not cause further burden upon those i care about without having my absence cause them grief

[amphibious-entity]

TMBS Book 1 Brain Dump

~An Embarrassingly Long Post~

I don’t know why I’m writing this or why I’m so determined to do it. Maybe to finally assume my true form and become a mega dork on main, or maybe just for fun!

This is basically a compilation of all the main points running through my head after reading The Mysterious Benedict Society (2007) for the first time. Rather than posting a ton and spamming the tag, everything’s here in one neat package! (hopefully this gets it all out of my system rip)

Contents:

The Book Itself

The Book Itself, for real this time

The Characters

A Funny Parallel

The S.Q. Section

Lines & Scenes I Liked

Spoilers abound!

The Book Itself

Upon acquiring the first three books (don’t judge me pls), I was surprised at just how long they are. Like, they’re still pretty light being paperbacks and all, but these books are hefty lads.

The first book has this Disney+ Original Series circle thing printed on it, which is kind of unfortunate. Regardless, I love the cover illustration and yellow is actually my favorite color :D It made me weirdly quite happy whenever I saw the book lying around in my room

Also, it’s really cute how there’s a letter from Mr. Benedict at the end! (It only reveals that you can find out his first name if you “know the code”, meaning the bit of Morse printed below the summary on the back.) Shock and horror, though, as I realized I’m starting to recognize some of the letters

The Book Itself, for real this time

It’s wonderful how the tone of the book really shone through to the show adaptation. Something about the deliberateness of the aesthetic, from the set designs to the fashion to scene compositions, that really sells that particular style— like it’s very clear that this story is being told to us, rather than one we’re seeing unfold, if that makes sense.

Where that narration style stood out to me the most was the first chapter. We are told (rather than shown) how Reynie gets himself to the point of the second test, and there’s this whole twisty time maneuver for that whole sequence of events that’s really interesting

A super secret fun fact about me is that I wanted to be a writer when I was younger! So this particular balance of show vs. tell is really neat, since it runs counter to my own tendencies. The sheer amount of commas in every sentence is also kind of comforting, since Ahah, I Do That in those few serious-ish attempts at writing lol

Overall this book’s style reminds me a lot of Roald Dahl’s books, which are very nostalgic for me :D The whole “kids are more competent than adults” angle helps a lot too haha

The Characters

Oh boy here’s where I get a little bit critical! Overall I did really like this book!! it’s just that that expresses itself in all this weird “”analysis”” lol

Reynie - much better in the books than in the show

It’s sort of a lukewarm take but I feel like show!Reynie is kind of boring? He doesn’t have a lot going on flaw-wise, and obviously since he’s the protagonist he can’t have too many weird traits or else the kids watching can’t project themselves onto him as easily

(I call it the difference between an aspirational protagonist and a vessel protagonist. Going off of the Roald Dahl vibes, think Matilda vs Charlie. show!Reynie is more of a Charlie)

Thus when we get to see him really struggle with the Whisperer and doubt himself it gives him a lot more dimension, at least in my opinion

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

Sticky - my son

I’ve long held to no one besides myself and my long suffering sister that Sticky is The Best Member of the Society

He happened to hit a lot of the Bingo squares of Stuff I Like In Characters: glasses, anxious, nice :), kind of a coward but ultimately is there for his friends, etc

For some reason I don’t talk about him nearly as much as you-know-who, but I love him just as dearly

Kate & Constance - I don’t have much to say

Kate is really interesting in this book! I like how we get to see more of her depths, in particular that one passage about her belief that she is invincible being the only thing that keeps her from falling apart? :c

Also her constant fidgeting is relatable lol

Constance is somehow a lot more tolerable in the book. I think I’m just one of those people with no patience for small children, unfortunately lol

(Some of) The Adults

It’s interesting that they had such an offscreen presence for most of the book. Giving them more time was probably one of the stronger changes of the show

However if that decision was made at the expense of the white knight scenes I think the choice should have been clear

I like the way Rhonda and Number Two are written

Milligan always on sad boy hours 😔✊

The “mill again” passage is touching but kind of messes up the pacing of the getaway, at least for me. Maybe I should read it again to make sure I didn’t miss something

Miss Perumal is much better in the show. We see so little of her in the book she doesn’t function well as an emotional anchor for Reynie, imo

The Institute Gang

Jackson and Jillson serve their purpose well, and Martina was surprising to say the least. I like the direction they took her in the show! I can’t imagine how funny it must have been to watch the tetherball subplot come out of nowhere lolol

These sections were written out of sequence, so random tidbit I couldn’t fit in The S.Q. Section: I like how he stumbles over his words. relatable

Mr. Curtain

While I think I know why they decided to not give Curtain the wheelchair in the show, we were totally robbed of Actor Tony Hale’s performance for the reveal during the final confrontation

Speaking of the wheelchair, it’s such a powerful symbol of his need for control or rather, his fear of losing it

The Contrast between him and Mr. Benedict. This point is expanded on in A Funny Parallel

Mr. Benedict

Oh boy, Mr. Benedict… How do I say this

I find it hard to trust Mr. Benedict, unfortunately

I mean to say, I do in the sense that I know he would never hurt the kids, thanks to knowing that a) this is a children’s book series and b) the meta (tumblr) states that he is really nice and lovable and stuff, but seriously. Why do the kids trust him at first?? I probably missed something somewhere

I like to think I’m an optimistic person, but unfortunately I’m also super paranoid. The premise of “a bunch of vulnerable orphans team up with a strange old man” is just so odd to me I don’t know how to explain it

I don’t know!!! I really want to trust Mr. Benedict

One of the strengths of the show is that we get to see him more often, and thus he gets to acknowledge more often that the plan is weird and that he feels really badly for putting the kids in danger and that he’s trustworthy and genuine

But his lack of presence for most of the book just makes him into something of a specter, invisible and unknowable, speaking only in riddles from across the bay

Which is why the white knight scene is so important!! I loved that scene ;-;

Because here’s an actual emotional connection! We can actually see it happening, rather than only being told that it exists

Reynie asking for advice and receiving encouragement, in words that demonstrate that Mr. Benedict actually cares about him and worries about him and agghh

It is a federal crime that the white knight scenes were not adapted into the show

But overall this whole issue didn’t ruin my enjoyment of the book at all! It’s just ->

A Funny Parallel

Okay, ready for my biggest brain, hottest take ever??

Mr. Benedict and Mr. Curtain…. are… the same

I mean obviously not entirely, given that one is benevolent and kind and the other is… Mr. Curtain

But seriously. Genius old man seeks out children (mainly orphans) to enact a plan. Said children often end up incredibly devoted to his cause and deeply admire him this is a little flimsy

Undoubtedly that’s intentional and is supposed to show the difference between them, like some kind of cautionary tale? “Let yourself be vulnerable and let others help you, lest you turn eeeeviiillll”

I guess that’s where the aforementioned epic contrast comes in. You get Mr. Curtain, strapped into his wheelchair and hiding behind those mirrored sunglasses, terrified (but unwilling to admit it) of ever showing the tiniest hint of vulnerability, vs. Mr. Benedict, who can let himself fall knowing that someone will catch him :’)

Anyhow I have nothing against the parallels, I just think it’s funny

The S.Q. Section

The S.Q. Quarantine Thread so it doesn’t leak out everywhere else <3

I’d like to meet the emo angstlord genius who read this book and decided to make SQ into Dr. Curtain’s son. What in the world

Okay I should probably preface this by saying that I absolutely adore both book!S.Q. and show!SQ with all my heart. Somehow, despite being a completely different character in both mediums, he has managed to be one of the best characters in either and certainly one of my favorites (besides Sticky of course) in the entire franchise, despite the fact that I’ve only read the first book/watched the show so far. I am confident in this statement.

But seriously! How?? Why?? I could probably write a whole other essay about why show!SQ is such an interesting character, and the change works so incredibly well. I’m just. Baffled

Okay, focus. book!S.Q. is such a sweetheart, oh my goodness. Like, 100% one of the most endearing characters in the book. Poor guy. I don’t even know where to start!!

He just seems to be a genuinely good guy at heart, despite being technically one of the bad guys. He’s genuinely happy for Reynie and Sticky when they became Messengers and helped Kate when she “fell” and was concerned about Constance when she looked sick and how he was in that meeting with Mr. Curtain and Martina?!!? aaahhhhghgh ;-; he just wants people to be happy TT-TT

Comparing him against literally every character at the Institute is probably what makes him so endearing tbh. When everyone else is so awful to the kids, it really makes him stand out. Like a cheerful little nightlight in the worst, most humid and rank bathroom you’ve ever been in

It’s kind of pointless to theorize about a book series that’s already concluded (I think?) but. Is the implication of S.Q.’s forgetfulness supposed to be that Mr. Curtain used him in brainsweeping experiments somehow? The timeline probably definitely absolutely doesn’t line up but like. How did he get to being a Messenger being the way he is now, given how cutthroat the process is? And then of course Mr. Curtain keeps him around as an Executive because he’s fun to mess with and presumably his loyalty. I’m very curious as to how their relationship develops in the other books, if at all. Those are probably where the seeds of the “let’s make them family” logic were planted

But wouldn’t it be hilarious if the reason we don’t know what “S.Q.” stands for in the books is that he just. Forgot

Another thing that occurred to me. Given that he and the other Executives were Messengers at some point, what were their worst fears? What is S.Q.’s worst fear?? Inquiring minds need to know

One last horrible little anecdote: I was thinking about book!S.Q. while eating breakfast, as one does, and suddenly it hit me.

I want to believe The Author Trenton Lee Stewart had the name for a character, S.Q. Pedalian, and was like, “Hm! What sort of quirky trait should this young fellow have?” Because, of course, in this style of fiction every character has to have at least one cartoonish or otherwise distinguishing trait to stand out in the minds of children. (For instance, Kate has her bucket, Sticky has his glasses, Constance is angry, and Reynie is Emmett from the Lego Movie)

Anyhow, he looks around the room, searching for inspiration. Suddenly he comes across a jumbo box of plastic wrap. Completely innocuous in design, save for one line of text. 300 SQ FT.

“…large… S.Q. …feet? THAT’S IT!” i’m sorry

Lines & Scenes I Liked

In no particular order!

Sticky quotes Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Evil combination aerobics/square dancing in the gym with the Executives

Everyone being happy at the end :’)

Everyone partying after Sticky reunites with his parents, and later finding Mr. Benedict asleep at his desk from the moment they shook hands :’’)

Literally any scene with Sticky in it

Any time Kate says “you boys” or “gosh”

[“Um, sir?” S.Q. said timidly, raising his hand. “A thought just occurred to me.” / Mr. Curtain raised his eyebrows. “That’s remarkable, S.Q. What is it?”] clown prince of my heart </3

S.Q.’s determined monologue about searching for clues after he bungled up the first time

Literally any scene with S.Q. in it (please refer to The S.Q. Section)

Reynie trying to resist the Whisperer.

[Let us begin. / First let me polish my spectacles, Reynie thought. / Let us begin. / Not without my bucket, Reynie insisted. He heard Mr. Curtain muttering behind him. / Let us begin, let us begin, let us begin. / Rules and schools are tools for fools, Reynie thought.]

NO MORE HURTIN’ WITH CURTAIN

Milligan showing up on the island!!

Remember the white knight hhhhhh

“controle”

A Super Secret Bonus Section

I would be extremely surprised if anyone read through all the way down here lol. Regardless, here’s a little acknowledgements section :D not tagging anyone since I don’t want to bother all of these people

Special shoutout to tumblr blog stonetowns for unknowingly yet singlehandedly demolishing my reluctance to read the books by posting a ton of cute quotes. Thank you for your service o7

Thanks to the two OGs that liked the post I made right before this one, for being my unwitting enablers and for sticking around despite being a) technically an internet stranger (hello!) and b) someone I haven’t spoken to irl in literal years (hey!!)

Last but not least thankz 2 my sister for putting up with me ranting about the book when I first got it and for asking about “CQ” sometimes lol. (i desperately hope you’re not reading this orz)

[zezran]

real emo hours over my beloved orzammar outcast and her wife this evening lads

[jennandblitz]

Ok just ur talent is just kjhogdhjfdjjg and I’m just so astounded by you!! So I’m sorry if this prompt sucks but I love me my low key jelly sirius, so 41 for wolfstar😂😂

41. “You’re going out dressed like that?”

This one got a touch out of hand 😂 Sirius in a big mess of feelings is truly my favourite. Thank you for the prompt Len, enjoy!

——— 

It’s round about now, Sirius realises, that he needs to fully face the truly, horrifically shit situation he’s ended up in. It’s not the fact he has a paper on the impact of Frida Kahlo on modern feminism due on Monday that he’s written one whole paragraph for, or the fact he hasn’t done laundry in a few weeks and is down to one shirt and possibly two pairs of underwear, or the fact the cigarette he’s trying to roll is going abysmally and his jeans are covered in tobacco dust.

It’s the fact that Remus Lupin is going on a date.

Remus Lupin is going on a date and it’s not with him.

It’s Saturday night, and he and Peter are staying in to do work, when James is off probably doing something Sirius doesn’t want to think about with Lily, and Remus is going on a date with someone from his Lit class.

Surrounded by a moat of books and notes, Sirius’ laptop is forgotten to the side as he rolls a cigarette with shaky fingers—finally manages to get it to tuck under properly, Jesus—and listens to Remus singing along somewhat loudly to The Jam in his room. Any minute now, Sirius knows he’s going to walk out of his room, looking so stupidly, ridiculously attractive that Sirius will probably let his smoke fall out of his mouth and burn a hole in his jeans… again. Grumbling to himself and pushing aside a notebook to grab his lighter, he sparks up and takes a long drag.

If there’s one thing Sirius does well, it’s talk himself in circles. He’s so thoroughly convinced, and has been since that second term of first year, when he and James had moved from halls into a shared flat with Remus and Peter, that Remus is uninterested in him. He’s not even sure Remus is queer, though he does have a bisexual pin on one of his beanies, and they did all go to Pride that past summer before they went home, but what if he’s just a damn enthusiastic ally? Or even worse, truthfully, what if he is queer, but it’s Sirius that’s the problem?

Right on cue, the music in Remus’ room shuts off, and a moment later he appears in the doorway that Sirius studiously tries to ignore but fails miserably at. Shit, and he looks unreal. Remus is usually in oversized sweaters and jeans too long that bunch up around his ankles atop his brogues. The beanies and the wallet chain are usually the only real thing that gives away the complete punk riot that appears when he’s three beers deep into a night out. Tonight though, a night out Sirius supposes, but not with him, Remus is in skinny jeans so tight that Sirius has to not stare pointedly at the curve of his arse, and a Distillers shirt that hangs loose and exposes the pointed tip of one collarbone around the neckline, a studded belt visible beneath the ragged hem. When Sirius drags his gaze up, Remus’ hair, sandy blonde with the remnants of teal dye clinging to the tips, is all mussed and in his eyes, and those eyes are ringed in smudged black, and Sirius can’t breathe. 

“Alright Sirius?” Remus asks, his footsteps resonating over the hardwood floor in those studded creepers Sirius would steal if Remus’ feet weren’t woefully smaller than his.

Sirius realises at once that it’s absolutely happened again, and his cigarette burns his fingers, then leaves a smudge of ash and ember on his jeans as he snatches it up and curses his inability to keep it together around Remus fucking Lupin when he looks like that. Sirius wants to push his paper aside, stand up, grab Remus around the waist and throw him against the wall. He wants to grab the front of that shirt and haul Remus in to mark his mouth with kisses, wants to tell him to stay here, fuck the gig, stay here and let me make you scream. He wants it so bad he sees it when he blinks just before answering.

“Yeah, Jesus, sorry—distracted by the idea we might be back in 2005 with that emo fringe. You’re going out dressed like that?” Sirius quips, tugging his laptop back into his lap to hide the fact every millilitre of blood in his body is rushing south.

Remus snorts a laugh and flips him off. “Please, as if you haven’t walked out of a Led Zeppelin biopic at any moment.” 

Sirius rolls his eyes, but he can’t retort; one because it’s true, and two because Jesus fuck, Remus walks towards the door and his arse could launch a thousand ships.

“Want any merch from the gig?” Remus asks, pulling Sirius from an extended metaphor about Helen of Troy or Adonis or Pygmalion.

“Nah,” Sirius hums, shaking his head as he relights his cigarette and tries to steer his mind towards something truly vile so he can concentrate on anything but kissing the living daylights out of Remus. “Have fun with… who is it?”

“Iain.” Remus shrugs on his bomber jacket, a flash of something alighting over his face that Sirius doesn’t recognise. Well, he’s queer then, huh? So it’s Sirius that’s the problem. “From my lit class.”

“Oh yeah. Have fun with Iain.” Sirius tries to keep the disdain out of his voice, really, he does.

Remus chuckles lowly as he pulls open the door to the flat. “Bye Pete!” He calls, and after a shout from Pete’s bedroom, glances through that teal-tinged hair and says, softly, “Bye Sirius.”

With a groan, Sirius pushes himself from the sofa to go and make coffee, and resolutely not think about Remus and Iain at the gig, all pressed close and sweaty, dancing together…

It fails miserably, of course, but thankfully Sirius is passionate about the subject of his paper, so he loses a good few hours in there. Feverish motivation tends to descend on Sirius rather often, and so when the door opens again, he jerks his gaze up and realises it’s dark but for the light of his laptop screen, and it’s late. Pete is snoring softly from his room. Remus is silhouetted in the doorway by the stairwell light. Sirius shifts and pushes his hair back from his face with one hand.

“Alright Remus,” he says, his voice hoarse from an evening of disuse, too many cigarettes and endless coffee.

For a horrid moment, Sirius thinks Remus has brought Iain the Date back with him, but he’s alone and lets the door swing shut behind him. “You’re up late.”

“Hanging out with my best mate Frida, of course,” Sirius drawls, gesturing to his laptop. Remus looks even better now, his eyeliner smudged, a rip in the knee of his jeans. Sirius wants to drag him to bed, to hell with it all. In a fit of impulsivity, he pushes his laptop aside and sits forward.

“Right. I got you a patch, for your jacket, by the way,” Remus tells him as he toes his shoes off by the door and pads over. He looks so earnest in the blue light of Sirius’ laptop, as if this nowhere between time and space exists only for them.

“Thanks Rem.” Sirius tries not to think on whether Remus told Iain the Date he’s buying a patch for his friend, and whether that’s kind of weird. “Have a good date?” He can’t resist asking, as if he likes twisting the knife deeper, or maybe he’s hoping it was an awful date.

“Date?” Remus laughs as he moves one of Sirius’ notebooks aside to sit on the other end of the sofa. “If it was a date neither of us knew that.”

Sirius’ brow furrows. “It wasn’t a date?”

“Why would it be a date?” Remus’ voice is painfully soft now, his eyes wide as he stares at Sirius.

“Because…” Sirius licks his lips. His fingers itch with the urge to bury them in Remus’ hair.

“Because the lad I fancy is a moron,” Remus murmurs, not looking away from Sirius, on the edge of a moment. “A complete moron who I’d quite like to kiss me right now.”

Sirius shoves away the rest of his notebooks with a little scuff of a laugh. “Come here,” he tells Remus, reaching for his wrist and tugging him closer. Remus obliges, shuffling closer, avoiding Sirius’ tobacco and a handful of highlighter pens until Sirius just gives in and hauls the man into his lap. “A complete moron, huh?” He says, as he leans in and kisses Remus like he’s been thinking of all night. Remus hums a little affirmative into the kiss, and it tastes so sweet.

Send me a prompt, if you like!

[ufolane]

it’s real emo hours tonight lads

[riverswater]

Louies tag game! ☀️

Sooo, amazing Emmanuelle @quelsentiment, Emma @essercipertuttienonperse and Anni @whatagreatproblemtohave tagged me to do the loveliest tag game I’ve seen in a while

1) When did you become a Louie?

Back in 2014, despite all my best efforts to "love them all equally" fjshfj he's like that cat that screams at you until you adopt him, and it worked like a charm for me. It was just a slight preference back then, but then I took a break from this band and tumblr in 2016/2017, and when I came back in 2018 I didn't stand a chance, I was completely gone for him 🥺💘

2) Why did you become a Louie?

HAVE YOU SEEN HIM FKSHFJS no but, really?? He shines so bright. I don't have the words sometimes to descrive him, but he always stood out so much to me. How incredibly funny he has always been, so quick-witted, always the one with the best comments. His voice is so special, too, I've never heard someone like him before, and I always loved how despite not being given many solos at the start he kept fighting for himself. And I liked the song written by him sooo much more than the one written by the others fksjfkd (which are still good obviously! Personal preference and all). Idk there are so many moments that have been special for me, like "so I dialed nine", HIM WITH KIDS!! "that's called a cruise", his face when asked about juice cleanses JFJSJF I just, love him a lot okayyyy

3) One thing that drew you in specifically?

Okay 2014 was a year full of events and special moments but what really changed me as a person was Louis wearing the rainbow Apple t-shirt after Tim Cook came out. The courage? The slap in the face to everyone who doubted him? He was so happy and proud of himself (so much a printed one of those photos and taped it to my closet) and I have allllways had a preference for rebellious people. The one who recognize the unfair situations they're in, and fight against them. The ones who have the strength to pick themselves up and go for another round. I admired his pride and his courage so much that day, and I still do.

4) Who would you want Louis to collab with?

Apart from the obvious, you say? With the people he admires the most. I love Oasis and Green Day, and despite both being old as fuck (and the first one don't even exist as a band anymore) I think he'd love that. Or with all the bands and singers he's nominated in the past years: Sam Fender, Bear's Den, Catfish and the Bottlemen, and so many more I don't remember whoopsie 😔

5) Favourite song on Walls?

This changes all the time, for sure at least every week. I think lately I've come back to WE Made It. I could talk for hours about that song, it's PERFECT. The harmony throughout the whole song.... Chef kiss.

6) Favourite hairstyle?

This is like picking a favorite child..... Umh.... I am and will always be punk and emo trash, and screamo Louis is so important to me

LOOK!! AT!!!! HIM!!!!! But peaky blinders is excessively hot as well

Like look at this man I'd go to w*r for him

7) Back to you, just hold on, or miss you? (or just like you?)

Miss You is for sure the closest one to my personal taste, and the video and everything about it is just, so much and way too good. But I can't choose between that and Just Like You, because it has that subversiveness that I admire so much, the same of the rainbow shirts and the polari shot 🏳️‍🌈

8) Louis in suits or sweaters?

Louis looks insanely good in suits, so for my own personal sanity I'm gonna say sweaters. Even if.... I mean...

Is this man real? Jury's still out about that

9) Favourite tattoo?

Unpopular opinion I don't love his tattoos that much 😔 KDHSJFJSK but I think Far Away is in the perfect placement, and I love the symbolism of the rope being open between the quotation marks

10) Favourite Louis photo (currently)?

Umh..... Idk!! I'm gonna dump some here

These have my heartttt

11) Random Extra

I've loved Louis for so long that now my last obsession is so weird but LET ME DO MY THING. Louis' eyes are..... A bit far apart. Just a smudge. And I'm in love with that, like look at this

You could fit a lil kiss SO WELL there. I think it gives him such a delicate, special vibe I'm in love 😭💘

Hiii I'm not sure who has done this already?? Maybe @lad-boyo @darkrainbowlouis @blulouisboi @lou-almighty @wallsvinyl @lou-bby @theparisinterview ☀️☀️☀️

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

Heartstrings

A commission for my girl @jooheonbee​!!! It’s SO LONG AND SO SAD

Summary: You’re moving on with your new man, Lee Jooheon, and you’re happy. So why do you keep letting Sehun in?

Warnings: big big angst, Sehun being a brat and a clown simultaneously, unprotected sex, girl on top, it’s emo hours lads

Word Count: 6098

So maybe Sehun gets a little antsy when you tell him things are getting serious with your new squeeze. Maybe it makes his shoulders a little stiff, makes him huff out a breath over the phone.

"So what, you too busy for me now?"

"Yep!" You chirp, and he can't help but smile at your sass.

"Yeah, yeah, call me when you get bored, like always."

"Maybe," you say, coyly, and after he talks you into sending him a sexy selfie he feels a little better.

It's been off and on for years and it isn't like it's the first time you'd met some guy to distract you, take you on real dates (whatever that meant), but you always ended up right back in his arms.

But over the coming weeks you start calling less and less. You start leaving his texts on read. You start posting couple selfies with this Jooheon, and Sehun fucking hates it.

He hates it, but it's still fine, you'll be back, you're always back but when you send him an invite to an engagement party it feels like someone has sucked all the oxygen out of the room.

It's not fine, nothing is fine because suddenly you're all he can think about and he fucked up. He fucked up so bad by assuming you'd always be there, by never telling you how you were the first thing on his mind every morning.

But what can he do now? Your family is flying up for your fucking engagement party, what is he gonna do, make a scene?

Making a scene is exactly what he ends up doing, after the better part of a case of soju and calling you ten times in a row.

Later he thinks that it would've probably been a better plan to not drink the entirety of the day before he makes those calls, before he dresses up and brushes his teeth and pretends to be somewhat sober when Junmyeon drives them all to the party, but he can't think of anything but seeing your face.

It's all okay, for a while. You give him a big smile and hug him, say you hadn't expected him to come.

"Always thought you looked hot in white," he manages with a smirk and you laugh and punch him and then your new man comes over and throws an arm around your shoulder and Sehun grits his teeth through an introduction and thank God there's an open bar.

He ends up in the hall when your fiance makes a speech, hears him talk about how sweet and beautiful you are and all Sehun can think is he doesn't fucking know you.

He doesn't know you drunk, beating on his back when he hauls you out of a bar and then laughing into his mouth when he gets you in the Uber. He doesn't know you messy and angry and crying with mascara running down your cheeks, yelling at him but still so fucking beautiful it makes his chest hurt. He doesn't know you half asleep with your fingers clutched in his shirt, calling him an asshole but swinging a leg over his hip because you can't get close enough.

He's loosening his tie, sitting in the hall with his head between his knees because the room is spinning and he wants to vomit thinking of how you looked up at Jooheon with stars in your eyes when he hears your voice.

He doesn't look at you, keeps his head down because he's this close to losing it, to saying some dumb shit like "I love you, please don't" and he's never said that before and it wouldn't mean anything to you now but he's shaking when you put a hand on his shoulder.

"Sehunnie ...are you okay?"

It's like a fucking dam bursts inside him and fuck, it's too much, it feels like something's clawing inside his chest and you put your fingers in the nape of his hair and that only makes it worse.

"Jagi," he chokes out, and your fingers still in his hair because that's always been a pet name reserved for the wee hours of the morning, after you're both sated and he's kissing along the line of your shoulder, spooned against you.

"I'll get you some water," you say softly, but he clutches at you, at your stupid white dress and he wants to tell you that you'd look better in red but all he manages to do is tuck his head into your shoulder, breathing hard.

"Sehun," you say again, and he hears the concern in your voice but he can't make some smartass remark when everything is breaking inside him.

So he does it. He does the dumb fucking thing he's been telling himself not to do for weeks.

"Y/n...I love you. Don't marry him, yeah?"

He doesn't remember much after that, it's just bits and pieces, just your wide eyes, how you shoved him, called him a fucking idiot and he followed you around like a stray puppy, babbling.

"It's always been you, Jagi. Didn't you know? Always." 

You're covering your ears and crying and your asshole fiance looks like he wants to take a swing at him but he doesn't, even when Sehun shoves him away from you.

Junmyeon drags him out and Sehun remembers crying like a baby and there's snot and tears on his suit jacket the next morning.

"Idiot," Junmyeon mutters, but he doesn't seem mad, helps him to bed, won't give him his phone.

When he tries to call you the next morning, the instant he opens his eyes, you've blocked his number and he hurls the phone against the wall.

*

You're getting married in a month and you can't stop fucking crying.

Oh Sehun is the bane of your fucking existence, has been for years, just a parasite who feeds off your affection and lust and leaves when he wants to, he's never given two shits about you so why did your heart crack straight through when he looked up at you like he was drowning, dark eyes glassy and soft?

Why were you sobbing into Jooheon's chest like someone had died when it's just fucking Oh Sehun being an idiot? 

And Jooheon's so sweet, murmuring comforts into your hair and if the shoe were on the other foot you'd probably be pissed, be anxious that this meant something.

But it doesn't. It doesn't and that's why late that night after a too big glass of wine, you unblock his number.

You don't know what you expect when you send him a text, simple: You okay? As if he'd call you right away but he leaves you on read and your mouth twists in a smile.

That much you were used to.

It's less than half an hour when your doorbell rings and your breath catches in your throat because you know. You know it's him and part of you wants to hide under the covers and pretend you aren't home but your feet carry you to the door anyway.

He looks hungover or maybe still drunk, eyes puffy, but his deep voice is steady and clear, if a bit hoarse. He's still wearing the suit he'd worn to the engagement party, sans jacket, as if he'd slept in it.

"Just wanted to see you."

"Why?" You're standing in the doorway, blocking him from slipping inside.

"Please," he says, and it feels like a punch in the gut, the way his eyes are pleading with you.

You heave a deep sigh and let him in and usually he'd smirk at you, tell you he knew you'd let him in, tease you about it, push you against the wall and try to kiss you, but tonight he just sits down on your couch, looks down at his hands as if he doesn't know what to do with them.

You just stand there, cocking your head at him.

"Sehun." You say his name and you mean it to almost be a warning but when he looks up at you and smiles just a little your heart skips in your chest.

"Y/n... I'm sorry. About the party. I didn't mean to-" he stops, throat working, and runs a hand through his hair.

You don't know what you're feeling exactly, something between relief and disappointment.

"It's okay. You were drunk and we all say shit we don't mean when we're-"

He huffs out a breath and you gasp when he reaches out and grabs you around the waist, tugging you close, and he kisses your belly, right at your waistline and it's oddly sweet when he nuzzles his face into your stomach.

"I didn't say I didn't mean it," he says, voice low and soft, and fuck, this hurts, why does it hurt so fucking much?

You drop a hand into his hair and he sighs, fingers rubbing into the skin of your hips.

"What are you saying?" Your voice is shaking and you hate yourself for even asking. You know you should kick him out but he's grabbing onto you like a lifeline and you can't bring yourself to push him away.

"I'm saying... I'm saying I want you," he lifts your top, murmurs it into your skin, his lips soft against your bellybutton and it sends goosebumps popping up along your flesh.

So much of you wants to give in, wants to melt against him and stop thinking about it, but you keep thinking of Jooheon's dimpled smile, the way he stroked your hair, didn't ask a single question.

You pull away and Sehun makes this distressed sound in the back of his throat.

"You can't do this. I'm getting married in a month."

He swallows hard and his hands are still clutching at your hips. 

"Don't. It's too soon, yeah?"

"It's not your business," you intend for it to be a snap at him but it's weak.

"It should be," he insists. "It should have been my business. You should have been mine."

"You didn't want me." 

He blinks up at you as if you've struck him, stands up, towering over you. "Don't tell me what I want," he says, and it's almost a growl and your heart rate speeds up.

You know he's going to kiss you, you can see it in his eyes and you expect it to be hard and hungry, almost punishing, but it's soft, his hand in your hair, and tears spring to your eyes, unbidden.

You break apart from him and take a few steps back, shaken.

"You...you need to leave."

He shakes his head, frowning, reaching out to you, but you back away.  

"No. No, you can't make me go, Y/n, I...I love you."

You shake your head, taking a deep breath to keep the tears at bay. "Stop. Don't say that. Don't fucking say that, Sehun-"

"I'm in love with you, jagi," he insists, defiantly, taking a step toward you.

You feel too much, panic and longing and guilt and you can't look at him.

"You have to go," you say again, your voice shaking.

"Please don't make me go." His voice breaks and you crack, look up at him and tears stream down his face and your heart aches.

"Have you been drinking?"

"Yes," he says immediately, as if relieved, and maybe he's lying but you can't throw him out, not when he's crying and begging like this.

He's always so put together, even when he's angry and he looks so tired..

"You can sleep on the couch." You don't trust yourself to let him in your bed, don't know if you can resist his touch when you're feeling so raw and vulnerable.

He nods, wipes at his face. "Will you lie with me? Just for a while?"

You look up at him, lip caught between your teeth.

"Please, jagi. If…" He takes a deep breath, sits down on the couch again, and he won't stop looking at you, his eyes dark and wet. "If you're really going to get married, I want to hold you one more time."

So you end up on your couch, and maybe this is worse than the bed would've been because it's close and intimate.

He has one arm tight around your waist and the other cupping your face, dragging his thumb along the tear tracks on your cheek.

He tucks his face into your neck and hitches in a breath. "Please don't let it be too late, yeah?" 

The words are muffled by your skin and he kisses your skin so softly and wraps both arms around you, so tight it almost hurts.

You can't give him an answer, your eyes burning with tears, but he's asleep in just a few moments, breathing deep and even.

When you wiggle out of his arms he whines a little in his sleep, and it makes you smile.

You sit on the edge of the couch for a while, watching the line of his jaw as he sleeps, and thinking about how everything about him hurts you. You cover him with a blanket and head to your room.

You know what you have to do and dread pours over you like a fog when you unlock your phone.

*

"Hey, baby," Jooheon answers on the first ring, and he's already worried, you hadn't answered his good night text and usually he'd call you right away but he knows how upset you were.

"Hey," you say, and your voice is weak and choked with tears.

"Oh, baby. What's wrong?"

You just burst into tears and his chest aches, he wants to throw on his coat and come and get you but he waits, murmuring comforts, until you collect yourself.

"Sehun...Sehun came here and he's staying over on the couch. I just wanted to tell you, I didn't want you thinking something happened-"

The air around him suddenly feels thick and heavy. Something like panic climbs up his throat and he swallows hard.

"Did something happen?" He asks softly, and he can't breathe when you take a beat to answer, his throat closes up to a pinhole.

"He-He kissed me," you whisper, and Jooheon takes in a gulp of air but it doesn't help at all, feels like inhaling broken glass.

He doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how to feel and he knows he should be angry but he can only think of how you sobbed against his chest, how your face was streaked with tears, and he's quiet for a moment.

"Joo? I'm so sorry, he was drunk and upset and it didn't mean anything-"

"Of course it meant something," he mutters, head spinning like he'd had too much soju.

"Jooheon, please don't-"

He takes in another breath, trying to focus on you, on what you need instead of the ache in his chest.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay, I know...I know you're confused."

"I'm not confused, I love you so much, I just- he just-" you start crying again and Jooheon would give the world to go back in time to twelve hours ago and have Oh Sehun thrown out of the party before he ever said a word to you.

"You need some time, yeah?" He hates how shaky his voice is, how he's fighting everything in him to not beg you to stay with him. "You just need some time to think and you'll... you'll come back to me."

"I don't need time!" You say, almost panicked, and he squeezes his eyes shut.

"Yeah you do, baby. You need to think about what you want, and that's okay." He struggles to stay calm, keep his voice steady.

It's not okay. It's not okay because he can't stop thinking about you in a white dress, how you were smiling so wide until you saw Sehun walk up to you, how your whole face changed. He could see it from across the room. It's not okay because he could feel your longing bleeding all over and it hurt so bad when you'd plastered on a smile that didn't reach your eyes.

"Jooheon, no-"

"Just...just a few days. Everything's okay, Y/n. You'll take a few days and then we'll get back to planning our lives together, yeah?"

You sniffle. "Just a few days?"

"Whatever you need."

"Are you...are you mad at me?"

He can't help but smile. "No, baby. I love you."

"I love you so much," you whisper, and it lessens the tightness in his chest a little.

"Everything's going to be fine," he says, and he wonders if it sounds at all like he believes it.

You agree to go visit your mother for a couple days after more tears and his reassurances, and when Jooheon hangs up he's almost overcome by anger and frustration.

He wants to break something, punch holes into the sheet rock but instead he just lies in bed, staring up at the ceiling in the dark.

*

It's a couple nights later before Jooheon feels anything approaching okay, when he's at Minhyuk's party and he's had a couple of bottles of soju. He's talking to Minhyuk when he sees Oh Sehun from across the room and all the good feelings dissipate.

Minhyuk's eyes widen. "Shit. He must have come with Yeol. I can make him leave-"

Jooheon shakes his head. "It's okay. I'll be fine."

He is fine, mostly, and Sehun looks like shit so that probably means you aren't talking to him either, and he'd be lying if that didn't make him feel a little better.

He drinks a bit more than usual, but given the circumstances, he thinks that's fair. It's a couple hours later that everything goes sideways.

He's in the kitchen, talking to Hoseok about you, when he hears someone scoff.

He looks over and Sehun is sitting on the floor of the kitchen, laughing.

Jooheon rolls his head on his shoulders, trying to shake it off. He turns back to Hoseok, but Sehun's standing up, bracing his hand against the counter, leaning in.

"You think you know her?"

"Hey," Hoseok says, anxious, and Jooheon smiles, gritting his teeth.

"It's fine."

"You don't know shit," Sehun's words are slurred, eyes glassy, and Jooheon knows he shouldn't let it get to him, but his blood is boiling.

"Really? I know she's wearing my ring," he says, tone almost cheery.

Sehun clenches his jaw, stands up straight. "For now."

Jooheon is turning away, he knows he needs to walk away before he does something stupid, when Sehun says, almost conversationally, "You sure you know her? You know she likes it when you choke her when you're fucking her?"

Jooheon stops, facing away from him. "Shut up," he hisses through gritted teeth.

"Oh, so you didn't know? I could give you some tips. You know, for your wedding night. She always comes so hard for me."

It's all a blur after that, just the satisfying thud of his fist, and Sehun's spitting out blood and laughing like a lunatic when Hoseok and Hyunwoo pull Jooheon off him.

Jooheon's split the skin on his knuckles but he doesn't even know he's bleeding until Hyunwoo throws him into a chair on the couch, and when he tries to get up, he presses down on his chest.

"You're getting blood all over the chair, Jooheon, stop!"

Jooheon is brought around by the sharp tone. Hyunwoo rarely raises his voice, and Jooheon looks up at him, breathing hard.

"Just sit still," Hyunwoo says, softly this time, and Jooheon is suddenly fighting tears.

"Fuck," he whispers. "I'm sorry."

Hyunwoo shakes his head. "If that had been my girl he was talking about, it would've taken all of you to pull me off."

Jooheon is surprised into a laugh, and Hyunwoo smiles a bit while Hoseok brings a cloth and some bandages.

"Maybe you should call her," Hoseok offers as Jooheon stops the bleeding.

He shakes his head. "No. I said I'd give her time, and I will. I'll be fine."

Hoseok doesn't look like he believes him.

Jooheon doesn't know if he believes himself.

*

Sehun is still laughing when Chanyeol shoves him into the car.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Sehun doesn't answer because this is the first time he's felt anything in days. Drinking you away wasn't working, you hadn't answered your phone since you'd shoved him out of your apartment a few mornings ago. So when he was invited out, he jumped at the chance.

Seeing your fiance made rage heat his blood, but it wasn't enough, didn't help the hollow feeling in his chest. But his probably broken nose, his eye swelling, that helped, it was something real, something that hurt, distracted him from thinking of the way you'd slammed the door in his face.

Junmyeon keeps telling him he should be happy that you're taking time to think but Sehun thinks there's nothing to think about.

He knows you, knows you better than anyone else does, better than your fucking fiance, and if you had to think about it maybe that means you're going to marry him and just thinking about it makes him want to puke in Chanyeol's car.

He tries to tell him to pull over but he's dizzy and fading in and out of consciousness and he's almost grateful, he's barely slept in days.

*

You're asleep when the phone rings, and you're disoriented when you answer.

Ten minutes later your heart is in your throat and you're pulling on your clothes.

You feel like you can't breathe until you see him, and Chanyeol had sounded so worried…

It doesn't help to see him, Chanyeol tried to prepare you but he looks awful, cheek swollen so much his eye is almost shut, the bridge of his nose crooked.

"Oh God, I'm so sorry-"

You're climbing up on the guest bed, and you don't even realize he's awake until he moves to wrap his arms around your waist, 

"You came," he mumbles, and you stroke his hair.

You're angry, you want to call Jooheon and yell at him but what right did you have, after you'd rushed here despite the fact that you were still wearing his engagement ring.

"Of course I did."

"Do you think...do you think you won't leave me now?" 

His words are slurred and it's an arrow through your heart, tears spill down your cheeks.

"I'm not going anywhere" you croon, and he lifts his head to look at you.

"You promise?"

It hurts, how much you feel, it's like you might burst, and you dip your head to kiss him as softly as you can.

You end up falling asleep there, and you wake up being pulled into his arms, his swollen mouth on your shoulder.

"I thought I dreamed you," he whispers, his long fingers trailing down your body.

"Sehun," you warn, but he just keeps trailing his hand up and down your side, not going further.

"I'm so happy you're here, jagi. I've missed you so much. I love you so much."

When you twist to face him, his bruised face making your heart ache, because he's smiling at you even though it must hurt.

"I came because Chanyeol was worried about you."

His smile fades. "Oh. Right."

"Sehun-"

"It's fine," he mumbles. "At least I got to see you."

"Are you...are you okay?"

Sehun barks out a laugh. "Don't I look okay?"

"I'm so sorry he hit you."

He shrugs. "I probably deserved it."

You can't help but smile. "You probably did," you agree.

He smiles back at you but it's almost wistful and you wish you could go an hour without crying.

"Hey," he says softly, thumbing at your tears. "It's okay. I'm okay."

"I'm sorry," you sob, and you can't tell him what you're sorry for, that you're sorry because you love him too but it's all too late.

You hide your face in his chest he rubs your back.

"Not your fault, jagi. I'm sorry. This is the way it should have been, yeah? I did it all wrong. This is how I should have loved you." 

You pull back to look at him and the half smile he gives you almost breaks you.

He kisses the tip of your nose. "I should have loved you better, should have told you how I think about you all day, how you make me feel like my heart will burst every time you smile at me."

"Sehun," you breathe, and then you can't help yourself, can't stop yourself from leaning in to kiss him and he makes a surprised sound into your mouth but then he's kissing you back, harder than you'd imagine given his busted lip.

You're popping buttons on his shirt to get your hands on his skin before you know what you're doing, you just need to get closer, just need to touch him, and then scrabbling at the button of his jeans.

He takes your hands in his, kisses your knuckles. "Wait. Y/n. Slow down. I wanna do this right, if it's the last time."

Your heart aches and you're still crying and all you want is him as close as you can get him, want him inside you because everything hurts and you don't want to think about this being the last time.

"Sehun, please, I need you." You arch your back, tug off your shirt, kiss his throat, trying everything you know that entices him.

He just lets out a groan that's half a laugh and rolls on top of you, pinning your wrists above your head with one arm.

"You don't get to be a brat tonight, jagi. I wanna touch you everywhere." 

He slides his hand between your bare breasts, dips his thumb into your bellybutton, and you're trembling.

"So pretty," he mumbles. "Gotta remember this, how you look beneath me."

God, it hurts, hurts somewhere in your very bones how this might be the last time and you squeeze your eyes shut.

Sehun just kisses you, soft and sweet as his fingers creep below your waistband.

"I love you," he whispers into your ear and you whimper, thighs parting as he dips two fingers inside you.

"I love you too," you say in a burst, and his fingers stop, he buries his face in your neck.

"Ah, jagi...please don't say that."

"But I do. I do, I love you so fucking much," you say and it's almost a sob.

You tug at his hair and his eyes are wet when he lifts his head.

"Jagi, if you say that...if you mean it...I don't know if I can let you go." It's a hoarse whisper and you feel like you'll never stop crying.

"I...I don't want to talk about it, please, just...just love me, okay?"

Sehun's breath catches in his throat and when he kisses you there's salt on your tongue.

You finally feel like you can breathe again when he's inside you, cupping your face in his hands and it's almost too much, feels like you might burst with all the things you want to say, so you say nothing instead, just his name.

"I can't lose you, jagi. Don't make me lose you."

You pull him down to kiss you, roll your hips, hope to show him with your body instead.

He moans into your mouth but he stills inside you and you whimper.

You arch your back, dig your nails into his shoulders, but he just buries his face in your neck again, breathing hard.

"Sehun...please-" you gasp out.

"You'll go when it's over, yeah? I don't want it to be over." 

His voice is shaking and God, it hurts, everything hurts, there's no decision you can make that doesn't. 

Then he pulls out of you even as you protest, rolls onto his back but you roll with him.

The way he looks up at you when you're riding him is almost too much to bear, his heart is in his eyes and yours is breaking.

"You're so fucking beautiful," he murmurs, running his hands up your sides to cup your breasts.

When you feel yourself getting close, feel pressure building in your belly, you lean over, press your forehead to his as you roll your hips.

He puts his hand in your hair, kisses you over and over as you moan into his mouth and when you finally come it’s bittersweet because the second you come down, dread drops onto you like a blanket.

You don’t move, when it’s over, just stay with him softening inside you and his hand still in your hair, massaging your scalp.

He takes in a deep, shuddering breath before he speaks. “I know you have to go.”

You feel your lip trembling, and he shushes you, kisses you again, brushing his nose against yours.

When you get up, he watches you for a moment and then turns away from you on the bed, curling into a ball and you can see his broad shoulders shaking and everything in you wants to go back, wants to comfort him, tell him you love him.

Instead, you go, shutting the door behind you before you burst into tears.

*

Jooheon thinks later that he knew how this would go before you ever come back to him. He thinks he knew how it would end up, even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself.

There’s so much of him that wants to rage, wants to be angry and jealous and throw his fists into walls, so much of him that aches to do something stupid, but he doesn’t. He waits for you, because he wants you to be his wife and it’s one thing if you decide to go, but if he hasn’t fucked it up already by getting in a fight with your ex boyfriend, he’s not going to do it now.

You don’t even call, just show up at his house and he sees you through the peephole and his chest tightens.

When he opens the door you throw yourself into his arms and you’re sobbing like your heart is broken, just like you did at the engagement party.

Part of him wants to push you away, tell you it isn’t fair, that he shouldn’t have to comfort you after everything that’s happened, but he loves you so much. He wants you so happy.

You tell him between sobs, in the most broken voice, everything that happened and his heart just sinks lower and lower.

You won’t let go of him, have your fingers clutched in his shirt even when he takes you to sit down on the couch.

He doesn’t speak for a long time after you tell him, doesn’t ask you any questions, and you just keep staring at him and he can’t even look at you.

"Don't hate me, Joo, please," you gasp out, and he shakes his head, can't bear you thinking that even if his heart is breaking.

"I could never hate you. I love you. I love you so much." He gives you a weak smile and you just start crying all over again so he pulls you close, kisses the top of your head.

You start talking about how you just need some time, about how everything will be fine and he’s half listening because his heart is pounding in his ears.

“It’s okay,” he murmurs into your hair. “Y/n...I want you…” he stops, the words sticking in his throat, takes a deep breath and tries again. “I want you to go.”

You lift your head, looking panicked. “Joo, no I-”

“You’re miserable, baby,” he says, and he laughs a little, wiping at his eyes. “You’ve been miserable ever since he showed up to the engagement party and I just...I want you to be happy.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t say that, you make me happy! You make me so happy!” You cry, and he wishes you wouldn’t fight it so hard.

It makes him want to give in, makes him want to sweep it all under the rug, but he can see it in your eyes, how much you’re suffering and he can’t let you keep doing it.

He disentangles himself from your arms, holds you an arm’s length away even when you protest.

“You can’t do this,” you say weakly.

He laughs again. “You think I fucking want to? You think I want to push you into his arms? It’s what you want, Y/n. If it wasn’t what you wanted you wouldn’t have been so upset, you wouldn’t have fucked him-”

“Is that what this is about? I’m sorry, I should’ve never-”

“It’s not about that! It’s about how you feel, Y/n, and….” his voice breaks and he huffs out a breath. “And how you don’t.”

You just look at him, your eyes so big and pleading and fuck, he hates this, he hates everything about this.

“I’ll just take a few more days,” you say, and your voice is so small and it feels like his chest will crack open.

He nods. “Yeah, okay.”

You don’t  move to leave though and he can’t look at you anymore, can’t look at you without begging you to stay so he puts his face in his hands.

“Just go, yeah?” 

“Joo-”

“Please. Please, just go.”

When the door closes behind you it sounds like the end of the world.

*

Sehun doesn’t get out of bed until Chanyeol drags him out, telling him he probably has a concussion and he has to at least eat something instead of drinking his breakfast.

Everything tastes like cardboard but he eats, tries to smile even though it hurts his busted lip.

“Do you think she’ll invite me to the wedding?” Sehun asks after he’s done, and he starts laughing and then he’s crying instead and Chanyeol pulls him into a hug.

He’s just fucking tired. He’s tired and he doesn’t want to do any of this anymore, doesn’t want to hate your fiance for having you, doesn’t want to hate you for leaving, doesn’t want to hate himself for not telling you when he should have.

He talks Chanyeol into taking him home, promises over and over he won’t drink, he won’t call you, and he knows damn well he’ll probably do both.

On the way home, his phone buzzes and when he sees your name light up on the screen he can barely breathe. 

It’s just two words, just: Come over, but it’s like he can’t take in a deep breath until Chanyeol drops him off, asking him again and again if he should wait, and Sehun waves him off and all but bolts to your door.

Your face is streaked with tears when you answer but you just go into your living room without a word and he follows you like a stray puppy, his heart in his throat.

You sit on the couch and he just stands there like an idiot, he can’t think of a single thing to say that isn’t something stupid like “are you okay?” when you clearly aren’t, and that gives him hope and makes him feel like an asshole at the same time.

“Do you love me?”

He blinks, surprised. “Yes.”

“Really love me? You’re not just fucking...territorial or fucking with my head because you can?”

“I love you so much,” he breathes out, and he doesn’t know what to do with his fucking hands, he reaches them out to you and then back down to his sides. “I love you so much, Y/n, you have no idea-”

You stop him by taking his hand and hope is bubbling in his chest and that’s dangerous, that’s so fucking dangerous because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if you end up saying goodbye after this.

“You better show me. You better show me every fucking day because after all this if-”

He laughs, he can’t help it, his heart is soaring and you’re frowning at him and he takes your face in his hands and kisses you kisses you kisses you until his busted lip is aching.

It isn’t all easy after that, you’re still wary and there’s things to work out with Jooheon and he can’t help the searing in his chest when you say you’re going to pick up your things a couple weeks later, but it’s more than he ever could have hoped for, and it’s you. 

It’s you, and you’re everything.

[elvendusk]

it's real emo hours lads 😔✊ just received this gorgeous drawing of dusk by @sanguinettii, thank you so much ezra!! 🥺💕

i can really see her irl likeness here i'm going 2 yell🥺

[brokenfoetus]

...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals.  A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me.  There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone.  Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations.  Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment.  It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two.  Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways.  By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself.  It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying.  Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me.  Then I knew what had happened.  I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much.  That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust.  Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so.  Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate.  That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed.  Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day.  Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless.  I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather.  I didn’t even care anymore it was happening.  It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times.  Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me.  He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play.  An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha.  It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music.  I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though.  Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway.  That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at.  Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features.  xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood.  It’s been a while....                                                  -The End-