#Secret Life of An American Hoe

[buttersbookreviews]

A Review of This is How You Fall In Love by Anika Hussain:

Hey it’s me again back with more YA! I bought a load of books in one go and never really got around to reading them.

Stats:

Entertainment: 7/10

Cringe Factor: 6/10

Yikes Factor: 0/10

Let’s get right into the plot because wow this was certainly a book

Plot:

Zara is your average machine gun Kelly loving sixthformer (for any Americans that is your education from ages 16-18) who comes from a lenient Bangladeshi household. She also has a best friend, Adnan, who she sees as a brother and nothing more - despite the whole school shipping them.

Well one night her parents start fighting because her dad hid the fact that he had diabetes, and Zara wishes for a way out. However, Adnan accidentally grants that wish when he enters a secret relationship with Cami, and in order to keep it secret, pretends that it’s actually ZARA that he is going out with. Zara is completely against this, however when she sees how happy her parents are that they’re together she decided to agree to the whole scheme.

It’s working relatively well, but Cami is getting jealous, and Zara has met someone else, a boy. His name is Yara and he’s just her type (and also plays Pokémon go because the characters in this book love Pokémon go apparently). Well things start to get complicated.

Zara’s friend who is making a documentary on love insists on using Zara and Adnan as her subject, unaware the relationship isn’t real.

Review (will contain spoilers):

Now. I’m going to start with what I liked.

This book completely subverted the whole fake dating thing at the end, and I’m very glad that she didn’t get with Adnan because it just couldn’t shake the yacky when she said she was like a brother. Props to the author.

While I myself am not Bangladeshi, I thought all the cultural references were cool, and if you were Bangladeshi I’m sure you could relate heavily to the characters (or maybe you couldn’t?)

Also, Zara was a very strong character and a compelling lead. Despite being roped into possibly the strangest scheme ever, she held strong and kept me reading even when it got super awkward (I’m looking at you ‘sucking face’). I appreciate her for that, she had good vibes. I think that’s really what you want from a main character.

Now let’s move onto the bits I didn’t like so much. Some of these are quite nitpicky but relevant nevertheless

Everyone but Zara was kind of insufferable?? Cami was whiney even though it was her idea in the first place. She sets up the whole “You can’t be seen by my dad!1!!1!1!” Thing which gave me the impression he is super abusive and keeps her on a tight leash and he’s evil incarnate… but it turns out he’s just a bit protective because she got in an abusive relationship!! I get she still has trauma from the relationship but goodness me an elaborate fake dating scheme which you don’t even like is NOT THE ANSWER!!! (Maybe she was meant to be like this?? Idk? Were we supposed to like her??)

Adnan put hoes before bros and literally compromised his best friends entire life because he really liked this girl. Zara literally lost her best friends over this and he’s just like ‘tee hee that didn’t work out’. Adnan never considered how much Zara struggled to get into relationships, and literally took over and ruined her chances anyway. Boo. You suck.

Yara? Well he was just kinda there man. He tried to be the manic pixie dream boy but in reality was just a tall Pokémon-go playing weirdo. I think the whole big reveal that he is related to Cami was interesting, but overall he felt very bland as a love interest.

Overall:

I think this book would be a lot of peoples cups of tea. If you’re into the whole fake dating thing, this is the perfect book for you, as the scheme is one of the most elaborate I’ve ever seen in a book like this. I enjoyed the main character despite her weird Machine gun Kelly obsession (I mean to each their own but seriously MGK????). I’ve got to say, I had no clue who she was gonna pick until the very end, like I was genuinely hooked. And I was still surprised!

Was the dialogue a little cringe? Yes. But it’s a YA teen book, sometimes you just have to embrace it.

Thank you for reading 🩷

[bitchgomakemymoney3hundoe]

Dear Élysée Cathedralé Parish(Catholicism)E.U.

    Bonsoir Mon Peuples Of The Sacred Confraternity Of The Most Holy Rosary Such As The Catechism.

    I Am Writing This Letter To Inquire Masonic Catholicism/Christos Masonica Of Whom Of Which Are The Official Government Enforcers And Mighty Militia Of Aye, The Sacred King Of The Republique Masonica®© And By Royal Decree, Aye, Sacred King Andrâe Paul One Here By Demand A Full-scale Investigation Be Opened Up On The Discovery Of "Yesterday's Hottest AV Stars Then And Now 2022" As You See An Awful Lot Of These So Called Models Have A Very Nasty Habit Of Playing Games With Anyone Who's Everyone While Hiding Behind Pictures/Images Or Else Even Some Sort Of Propaganda Just Like The Manipulative/Vindictive/Lying Bitches That They All Are When The Fact Of The Matter Is All These So Called Models Are All Washed Up And Looking Nothing At All Like Their Modeling Days And Catfishing Unsuspecting Would Be 300+ Lovers Just To Line Them Up Like Suckers When We May Or May Not Even Now What These Bitches Look Like Anymore And All The While These Washed Up Skeezers Still Trying To Hide Behind Old Pictures Of Themselves Catfishing People While Illegally Conducting Ponzi Schemes/Money Schemes/Credit Card Schemes All Like Cheap Gift Card Hoes Well No More Of That Bullshit Because Now The Poisson Administration Is Laying Down The Law And Cleaning House And Any Of These Washed Up Skeezers Playing Their Games Will Be Expected To Pay x$850 Zillion American USD As Well As To Face A Sentencing Of 35 Years To Life In A County Prison With Or Without Possibly Of Parole.

From This Petition That I Have Filled I Shall Like To See All These Washed Up Skeezers Forfeit Any Form Of Membership As To Any Sort Of A Club "Like Bitch Out Here Trying To Claim Secret Society Just To Enable Herself As A Disgusting Prostitute, Bitch Please" Their For All "So Called" Masons Must Be Hereby Sentenced To Death Row For High Crimes Againste Almighty God Such As Manipulating/Bamboozling The Disabled Whether We Be Developmental And/Or Otherwise Out Of Our Social Security Checks Which To Acclaim That We, The Disabled Whether We Be Developmental And/Or Otherwise And Well We, Of Whom Of Which Are To Be Properly Addressed As : God's Special People Feel Raped Out Of Our Government Issued Social Security Benefits All Of "Wrong Side Of The Tracks Women Who Are Absolute Rotten Bitches That Are Often Known To Be Scumbag Motherfuckers Just Lazily Sitting On Their Fat Ass All Day Eating Haag And Daaz Ice Cream Or Been 'N Jerry's Ice Cream While Bitching Up A Storm At Man To Get A Job And Break Our Backs As To Subject Ourselves To Painstakingly Manual Backbreaking Labor All Day 24/7, 365 Days A Year And Why Just So Said Woman That Is Most Definitely A Rotten Bitch Can Have The Enablity Such As To Commit Adultery As To High Treason And Backstabbery So Then Why In Hell Would We Men Go Out In To The World And Once Again Subject Ourselves To Painstakingly Manual Backbreaking Labor And Why In Hell Would We Do Such A Thing As To Throw Our Entire Lives Down The Shitter When The Very Fact Of The Matter Is Man Is Most Definitely Not The Problem But As To "Wrong Side Of The Tracks Women Who Are Absolute Rotten Bitches As They Are Manipulative/Bamboozlery Why Just Read The Gospel Of Adam And Eve Of Which Of Course Meaning How Woman Who Is Eve Fucked Man Over On More Than One Occasion By The Manner Of Her Treatcherous Lies, Manipulation And Bamboozlery Of Which Of Course Is The Fall Of Man But Behold Hence Man Shall Take Back His Mighty Reign Of God's Green Earth As Well As The Heavens Above Only The Right Representative That Is The Correct Leader Of The True God Given Free World And Mark My Words "Almighty God Is Not A Woman But As To Woman Shall Be Henceforth Enslaved By The Likes Of Man Almighty = God Almighty Never Trust A Ho So As To Heed These Very Words As To Hereby Revoke And Abolish Women's Rights Once And For All As To Enforce The Downfall Of Woman As To Woman Go Make My Mother Fucking Sandwich Bitch.

#Dosomethingbitchwomenhavenorightsnow

--------------------------------------------------------   

Please Let There Be Multiple Search Warrants Issued In Order To Search The Hall Of Records Of That Particular Jurisdiction/Neighboring Or Otherwise And To Triple Encrypt The Main Server To Pornography Industry As To Finally Drain The Swamp!!!

                             Signed,

Young Judiciary And Supreme Overlord Of The European Union, Honorable Monsieur Justice : Andrâe Paul Un(House Of European-American Parliament Du Francaise). 

[secretlifeofanamericanhoe]

First Post Thoughts:

Hey guys! So this is my first post on my new blog - I’m so excited to have finally decided on returning to writing. I had a Tumblr originating in 2010 - I had it for 4-5 years and was fairly Tumblr famous back in the day. However a vengeful ex boyfriend of mine hacked my account and took it over, so I was (and still am) unable to access it. I wrote every single thought and emotion of mine, and completely poured my heart and soul into my posts and writing in general. It was my therapy when I desperately needed it. Once my ex took that away from me and exposed my deepest feelings, I shut myself down from writing and have not done so since.

Here we are 4 years later, and I’m dying to get back on the horse. In this blog, I’m going to be sharing a lot of secrets; a lot of experiences, desires, thoughts, and emotions. Some will be good, some will be bad. I’m hoping to amuse those who are left on Tumblr, and also teach some life lessons through explaining why you shouldn’t be like me and/or do what I do.

Thanks for taking the time out to stop by! I really appreciate it.

[dameronology]

tea & whiskey {jack daniels x reader} - 1

part one: an insight into how microwaving tea should be a capital crime (fem! reader) 

song for this chapter - ldn by lily allen

summary: you’re Percival; reigning queen of the Kingsman, certified bad-ass and one of the most self-sufficient women to have ever graced the City of London. A mission with the Statesmen is a chance to further your career and tighten your grip on international success - it’s a shame that Jack Daniels already has his eyes on the throne. He also has his eyes on you, and it proves to be a problem for you both. {series masterlist}

this has all the kingsman characters but doesn’t follow the canon of golden circle. eggsy, tequila, champ, merlin etc all crop up throughout the series as well! if u want to be tagged, gimme a shout 

- jazz

You didn’t usually answer the door when someone knocked after 11PM. 

It was just common sense, really. Only serial killers, creeps and people who had the wrong address would knock that late. You could have taken on any of those three regardless - you were a bad-ass after all - but you were also busy. You’d been tirelessly working all day at the office, and the grind didn’t stop just because you’d got home. The stack of paperwork beside your computer felt like it was never ending and you simply didn’t have the time to answer the door. Working as Kingsman was more of a lifestyle than it was a job.

‘Oi!’

You almost jumped out your seat when the banging moved to the window beside your desk. It overlooked your front lawn and the quiet street you lived on - well, as quiet as a street in central London could be. Classic to the city, rain was lashing down on the glass, obscuring your view of whoever your visitor was. 

Right, you could add Eggsy Unwin to the list of people who knocked this late. 

‘What the hell, Eggsy?!’ You sighed, opening the front door. Your colleague quickly rushed from where he was standing by the window, elbowing past you and into the dry warmth of your house. ‘It’s almost midnight-’

‘- I’ve been calling you for hours!’ The agent exclaimed. 

‘I’ve been working all day.’ You replied. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d turned up at your doorstep at a stupid hour. Eggsy was your colleague, but first and foremost, he was your best friend. He had a tendency to drive you up the fucking wall and right back down again, and had done since you were in your school years, but he’d always been a little dependent on you. Whether it had been letting him crash on your sofa when his stepfather became too much, or giving him a lift home from the police station at 2AM after he’d been arrested, you always had his back. He had yours too, but you rarely needed it. Even after becoming a member of the Kingsman and essentially saving the world, you were still the first person he came too. 

After wrapping Eggsy up in a towel and escorting him to the kitchen, you placed a mug of warm tea on the table and sat beside him. Work could wait - for an hour or so at least. Chasing an internationally-reclaimed terrorist certainly took precedence over whatever your friend’s problems were, but if he needed you, he needed you. Bros before hoes might not have been the perfect saying for the situation, but the sentiment was definitely there. 

‘What’s happened now?’ You quirked an eyebrow. ‘I know it ain’t an arrest because you would have called from the station otherwise.’

Eggsy thinned his eyes at you. ‘I haven’t been arrested in two years.’

‘So what was it?’

‘I had a fight with Tilde.’ He admitted. ‘I don’t know what happened, but she’s mad at me.’

‘Were you talking before she got mad?’

‘Yeah.’

You raised your mug in the air. ‘That’s probably it then.’

‘Y/N!’ He swatted your hand away, causing tea to spill out onto the table. 

You sighed. ‘D’you wanna talk about it?’

‘No, I just need a place to crash.’

You stood up, leaning over the table to give his shoulder a squeeze. ‘You know where the spare room is, right?’

‘That’s it?’ He pouted. ‘Tea and a squeeze on the shoulder? My life is falling apart!’

‘Don’t be a drama queen.’ You replied. ‘I have to work - and you should be too. We’re close to getting Calahan.’

Calahan was the codename for the terrorist you’d been tracking - at least his current one. The man had worked under several aliases, jumping from country to country before finally falling under the jurisdiction of the British secret services. The MI5 and Scotland Yard were too well known to work such a sensitive case; the location of their offices were publicly known, making it easier for Calahan to slip in double agents. The civilians, however, had no knowledge on the Kingsmen. A tailor’s shop was a perfectly good front for a place to set up base and track the man down. 

Thanks to your success on your previous missions, Arthur had put you in charge of finding him, with Eggsy assigned as your partner. He was just as good an agent as you, but you had little sympathy for his domestic issues. 

‘I was working on it all day.’ Eggsy held his hands up in surrender. ‘But with all due respect, Percival, I don’t work into the late hours of the night. I know how to switch off.’

‘That’s because you’re a man, Eggsy.’ You reminded him. ‘I am one of three women at Kingsman.’

‘That’s still three more than there used to be.’ 

‘You’ve already pissed off one extremely patient woman tonight.’ You warned him, referring to Tilde. ‘Do you want to go two for two?’

‘No.’ He huffed. ‘Women are just complicated.’

‘Or maybe men are just dumb.’ You smiled sweetly, before brushing a hand through his hair. ‘You should get some rest.’

‘So should you.’

‘I’m fine.’ You shook your head. ‘I’ve got a meeting with Merlin in the morning. We’ll have to leave at eight.’

‘Do I have to go? Merlin hasn’t said anything to me-’

‘- yes.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I said so.’

He couldn’t argue with that. 

--

The following morning, you were headed for the Kingsman headquarters by 9AM. Having filled Eggsy with some coffee and half a bacon-sandwich, he had cheered up considerably. You did feel for him - he had been right when he said that women were confusing - but your attention was still very much on work. That was the norm, really. You lived and breathed for your job. It wasn’t your whole identity but it was certainly your whole life. You were recruited at eighteen and now, it was all you knew. The other agents were your family. 

‘C’mon, Eggsy!’ You demanded, practically leaping out your car. Your arms were piled high with files, keys dangling from your fingers as you kicked the door to the Mustang shut. It had been a present from Kingsmen for a particularly successful mission. 

‘There’s no rush.’ Eggsy chided from behind you. ‘You should enjoy a little leisurely stroll once in a while. It might do that vein on your forehead some good.’ 

Whilst you were decked out in a blazer and black jeans, Eggsy was in his usual snapback and sports jacket. He trailed beside you, hands stuffed in his pockets as you both slipped inside the shop. It was quiet inside, the only sounds coming from the bell on the door and the sound of your heels on the polished wooden floors. You didn’t just wear them because they made your legs look endless - they doubled up as weapons too. Merlin hadn’t done anything special to them, it was just that anything was a blade if you tried hard enough. Your five inch Christian Louboutins were no different. The fact the bottoms were already red was purely a convenient coincidence. 

‘She still hasn’t called me.’ Eggsy murmured. 

‘I’m sure she will.’ You gave his arm a light squeeze. ‘Tilde loves you, Egghead.’ 

‘Fucking ‘ell.’ He let out a snort. ‘You haven’t called me that in years.’

The two of you made your way down the hall and towards the meeting room. Merlin was already sitting at the table, pens and notepads laid out in front of him. Considering that you’d worked together for years, you hardly knew the man. He was always working, always building new gadgets or arranging missions. Did he ever sleep? You wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out that he’d been a droid this whole time. Someone had mentioned his name being Hamish once, but he didn’t seem like a Hamish. You always pegged him as more of a...Simon. Or a Mark. 

‘You two are late.’ He greeted you. 

‘It’s nine o’clock.’ You shot back, dropping into the seat opposite him. 

‘Early is on time.’ Merlin folded his arms across his chest. ‘On time is late.’

You rolled your eyes at the agent. ‘You know how London traffic can be.’

Choosing to ignore your comment, the Scotsman hit a few buttons on the table in front of him. The whiteboard in front of you jumped to life, lighting up with a picture of New York City - specifically, Midtown. You’d been to the city several times for work, usually to do recon or on protection details for British politicians before diplomatic visits. Outside of that, any missions in North America were outside of the Kingmen’s authority. That was when it fell to the USA’s secret services - a bunch of people you weren’t particularly fond of working with. 

‘Calahan slipped out of the country.’ Merlin stated. ‘He’s been spotted in Manhattan by several of our contacts at the Bureau.’ 

‘What?!’ You guffawed. ‘I thought we had tabs on him. You told me we had tabs on him-’

‘- let me finish, Percival.’ He cut you off. ‘We let him.’

‘You…’ you scoffed in disbelief. ‘You let a known terrorist escape the borders?! You know that I’ve had tabs on him for months! Are you trying to waste my time?’

‘Calm down, agent!’ Merlin repeated, this time in a more firm tone. It was easy to let your temper get the best of you - but at the same time, it was the very thing that had allowed you to force your colleagues into submission. ‘He has more charges on his back in American jurisdiction. We have a better chance of convicting him over there.’

‘You could have told me that before I spent six months tailing him.’ You dropped back in your chair, folding your arms tightly across your chest. 

‘Your mission isn’t over.’ Merlin replied. ‘You know more about Calahan than any men here or across the pond. I want you posted in New York for a few months.’

‘Oh?’ You sat up, interest peaked. 

Working internationally was usually the first step to becoming a senior agent. It was one thing to commandeer the respect of your colleagues but to throw your name into the ring on a global scale? That was how you made it big time - and big time meant big time. Your work would go from being based in London, to taking you all over the world. Kingsman who worked on an international level could be in Moscow one day and Bogota the next. Once they retired, they were legends. It was the kind of success you’d dreamed of your whole life.

And New York was the first stepping stone. 

‘It’s only if you want it, of course.’ Merlin pulled you from your thoughts. ‘The Statesman have agreed to accommodate you, should you choose to accept.’

‘Statesmen?’ You tried to hide the displeasement in your face. ‘Like...the cowboys?’

‘Is there a problem, Percival?’

‘No!’ You quickly replied. ‘It’s just...I worked with one of them once. It wasn’t great.’

‘Here we go.’ Eggsy murmured from beside you. ‘She witnessed Agent Tequila make tea in the microwave.’

‘And I swore never to work with them again.’ You hissed under your breath, fists clenching.

‘I can see how that would be disturbing.’ Merlin agreed. ‘Though I’m not entirely sure it’s enough reason to turn down a potentially career changing mission.’

‘No, you’re right.’ You nodded. ‘But I can bring my own kettle, right?’

--

‘I can’t believe you brought your own fucking kettle.’

‘And I can’t believe that Merlin is making me drag you along-’

‘- it’s only for a week.’ Eggsy held his hands up in defense.

Eggsy, who had momentarily forgotten his relationship woes, had been posted out in the city with you for the first five or six days. Merlin and Arthur had been pretty insistent on him joining you - something about making sure you didn’t blow your lid at a cowboy. It was funny, because you were usually the one babysitting him. That being said, deep down you were glad to have him there with you. It would have made settling in a little easier. 

You were moving faster than him, the sound of your heels clicking on the marble floors of the Statesman headquarters as you floated towards the front desk. The building was right in central Manhattan, bang in the middle of all the beautiful things New York had to offer. Not that you were going to experience many of them - you were here to work, after all. 

‘Percival!’ Agent Tequila was posted by the front desk, a grin spread across his face as your eyes met. ‘And...I know they told me your name, but I’ve forgotten.’

‘He’s Galahad 2.0.’ You stuck your hand out to Tequila, offering him the kettle. ‘This is for you.’

‘A...a kettle?’ The agent gave you an odd look. 

‘If I’m going to be working with you for the next few months, I cannot witness you making tea in a microwave.’ You explained. ‘I may murder you in your sleep otherwise.’

‘Jeez, lady.’ He muttered. He would have argued, but if there was one thing he’d learnt from your last collaboration, it was that nobody entered into a fight with you and won. ‘But it’s okay, you’re not with me this time.’

‘Oh?’ You quirked an eyebrow. Tequila began to make his way to the lift, signalling for you and Eggsy to follow. 

‘No, you’re with Whiskey this time.’ He explained, pressing the button for the top floor. ‘He’s a little more senior than me.’

‘Whiskey and Tequila?’ Eggsy muttered in your ear. ‘What’s their boss called? Pale ale?’

‘Champagne.’ You replied. 

‘Good one.’ He snorted.

‘No, Eggsy.’ You whispered back. ‘He’s actually called Champagne.’

‘Fucking hell.’ 

Yeah, you thought, that kinda sums it up.

The three of you stepped out the lift and onto the top floor. The views from the windows were almost breath-taking; it wasn’t often that you got to see 360 degree views of one of the most beautiful cities in the world. The skyscrapers stretched out further than the eye could see, eventually melting together in the distance where the sky met the land. It was almost breath-taking just to think about - the people, the opportunities, the magic that New York had to offer. London was your home, and you couldn’t even begin to dream of leaving, but your mind did wander off a little. 

‘Whiskey! I got your girl!’ Tequila yelled, pressing a button on an intercom outside one of the offices. He gave Eggsy a quick glance. . ‘And...the other one.’

‘Sweet Jesus, Tequila!’ A strong Southern accent came back. ‘You don’t gotta yell every time you use the fucking thing! I’m gonna be deaf as a goddamn doornail before I’m fifty.’

A moment later, the door to the office opened and Agent Whiskey stepped out. He was about the same height as Tequila, but a little older. He was wearing a cow-boy hat and there was a...was it a swagger? A spring in his step? Either way, the temptation to stick your foot out and stop him in his tracks was overwhelming. 

‘Well hello, pretty lady.’ Whiskey greeted you with a shit-eating grin. ‘I hear that you’re the little birdy who’s gonna give me Calahan?’

‘I prefer Percival.’ You monotonously replied. ‘And if I’m the little birdy that’s gonna give you Calahan, then you must be the yankee who stole him from me.’

‘Girl’s gotta bite.’ He gave your hand a shake. ‘I like that.’

‘This is Galahad.’ You pointed to Eggsy, who was inwardly holding his breath at the whole exchange. He was mentally counting down the minutes before you smacked off Whiskey’s cowboy hat. ‘Let’s see if you can acknowledge his gender three times in one breath-’

‘- okay, that’ll do!’ Your best friend pulled you back, taking Whiskey’s hand in place of yours. ‘It’s a pleasure to meet you, Whiskey.’

‘Please, call me Jack.’ The cowboy replied. 

‘Whiskey. Jack.’ Eggsy murmured under his breath. ‘Oh my days! Imagine if your surname was Daniels.’

After a brief conversation with Jack about his surname - during which you had seen Eggsy Unwin more entertained than ever before - you were taken down the hall to the agent’s office. Meanwhile, Eggsy and Tequila were escorted off to exchange some files that you’d both gathered. 

Whiskey’s office was exactly as you could have predicted; a mixture of dark wood furniture and red tones. The air smelt of his aftershave, with a hint of brandy and earth.

‘Your desk is that one there.’ Whiskey gestured to a slightly smaller set-up in the corner. 

‘I don’t get my own office?’

‘Since we’re gonna be working in close proximity, Champ figured it was best we double up.’ He explained. ‘Saves us doing a whole revolving door movement when we gotta talk to one another.’

‘Makes sense.’ You placed your bag on the desk, admiring the view for a moment. All of your files on Calahan had been uploaded to the Statesmen’s online cloud, whilst your other belongings had been delivered to the apartment you were staying in. ‘Nice view.’

‘It ain’t bad.’ Whiskey nodded. ‘You been to this neck of the woods before?’ 

‘Only when British diplomats need a babysitter.’ You replied.

‘Babysitting?’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s what you Kingsmen do? You babysit?’

‘Why d’you think Eggsy is here?’ You shot back. ‘To babysit me.’

‘Now why would a well-mannered redcoat such as yourself need a babysitter?’ He could barely hide the grin in his voice, leaning back against the window as he peered at you over his glasses.

‘How would I put it in your terms?’ You pondered for a moment, offering Whiskey a sweet smile. ‘Is there a Southern term for I eat cowboys alive?’ 

He gulped. ‘I...I don’t think we got one for that yet.’ 

You nodded, turning your attention back to staring at the view in front of you. ‘You should come up with one. It might be useful.’ 

[jojolu]

Mom's Weekend and The Winter Soldier

Chapter 3

Pairing: James "Bucky" Barnes and Sarah Wilson

Summary: Sarah Wilson, Connie Caro and Avery Vance were the only three of Sarah's friends that were still here after the blip. They have a monthly girls day before having a kid free weekend. Normally Sarah has nothing to talk about...but not anymore.

Word Count: 3.5K

Rating: Mature

July:

You are putting the last decoration on the Fourth of July cake you are making.

"Hey beautiful."

Your smile is so big that he can see it as he walks up to you.

"Thank you. You look very patriotic." You bought him an American flag button up shirt.

He walks up to you then quickly glances to the back door then kisses you.

"He's going to the store to grab ice cream."

Avery and Connie coming walking back in with Sam right behind them trying to get past them so see what you and Bucky are doing.

Bucky was loading the dishwasher and you were putting the lid on the cake platter.

"Hey Buck, let's go." He says very abruptly.

"Where exactly are we going?"

"Store."

"OK. Give me a second."

Sam huffs and walks out with waaaaay to much attitude.

"Be safe." You say kissing Bucky on the cheek.

"Bye, babe. Bye ladies." He has waving to the girls.

You walk to the door to watch them them walk out to Sam’s truck bickering the whole way.

“Soooo Sam’s not taking it great…..” Avery says grabbing a beer out of the fridge.

“Yeah…he’s acting like I stole Bucky away from him. Like damn do you have something to tell me?”

You all laugh

“When did you tell him?” Connie asks.

“We didn’t get a chance, he just came to us a three day ago, ‘I know what you two are doing, so stop it’ and we were both like what are you talking about and mind your business.”

“You two aren’t the best at keeping it a secret.” Connie says.

“It’s not a secret. We just wanted to make sure we were ok with others knowing. We are enjoying it just being us. Not going to lie the sneaking around is pretty fucking hot.”

“I’m sure it is. All the looks and the trying to keep quiet during sex……whew. Did E go with the guys?” Connie says looking around.

You think about all the times you two have had to stop or stop making any sounds while you two were being intimate.

“Oooooh is that a smirk…..we are behind on our hoe tales.” Avery says sitting at the dining room table.

“Why am I always the one telling hoe tale’s? You both have very active sex lives.”

“We do, but our partners aren’t a LITERAL super hero.”

“Buck would never call himself that. That’s definitely one of the many reasons I love having him around…….well that and…’

“His amazing penis.” Connie says.

“I never texted that!”

14 Days ago:

You are trying to muffle your impending orgasm with a pillow over your face as Bucky eats the life out of you.

“Shhhh. You’re so loud.” Hey says quickly before going right back to pleasing you. He slides both of his hands up your thighs and puts them on your hips bringing you closer to his mouth.

Your trying to think of something sassy to say but you just moan out ‘shut up’.

There's a quick knock on Bucky's door.

"Hey, Buck? You know where my sister is? I thought she walked in the house."

"I think she said she was going to take a walk." Bucky says without any hesitation.

You are trying not to moan as he rubs tight circles into your clit as he talks.

"Thanks man. Imma go look for her." Sam says outside the door.

"If I see her I'll let her know that you are looking for her."

You sit up and both wait until you hear the screen door close before you say anything.

"Hey your brother is looking for you." He says with a smirk.

"Why is he looooooo.......don't stop." You moan out as he quickly continues his mission.

A few intense minutes later you are cuming in his mouth.

"Oh my God…..shit.....that was so good. I don't even remember why I knocked on your door.” You say as your pull the pillow away from your face.

“You were looking for your phone. Although, I'm pretty sure I said it's on the coffee table." He says getting up from the squatting on the floor.

He licks his lip and wipes his mouth.

"Oh yeah.....my bad." You say sitting up trying to not sound like a constantly horny teenager.

"You knocked and then I saw you in this yellow sundress.....I just had to taste you."

"You are insatiable." You say giggling.

"Me?" He saying feigning innocence.

He offers you a hand and pulls you up off his bed.

You give him a quick kiss then head to the door and walk out.

You close his door and walk to the kitchen for some water and try to act like Bucky didn't just take your soul.

You are drinking water when Sam walks in the back door.

"I've been look for you! Where have you been?" Sam says with waaaaay to much bass in his voice.

"Umm, first off, who are getting loud with Samuel? I know its not me. And secondly, what do you need?"

"Can't I just want to know what my sister is doing?" Sam asks changing his tone.

"So not only do you want to know where I am but you also want to know what I'm doing." You say walking past him you can see Connie's van driving up the driveway they were coming over for dinner.

As you passed Bucky's door, he walks out and you two exchange a quick glance and he smirks at you as you head out to meet the Caro's.

"What was that? I saw you two smile and shit. What did I say Barnes? Don't flirt with my sister." Sam says in his Captain America tone.

"That tone doesn't work on me." Is all Bucky said as he headed to the laundry room behind the stairs.

~~~

“I knew you looked super refreshed! That was post orgasm face.” Connie says smiling at you.

“Wow, I’m glad your happy. He makes you happy right?”Avery asks you.

“I am. I can honestly say I never saw this happening. Did I know I was going to….you know definitely give him a sample but I didn’t know it would lead to this. I don’t even know what to call this or whatever we are doing or not doing.”

“Have you guys actually talked about it? Like what exactly are you both doing? Because you aren’t a spring chicken and he is well an old ass man.” Avery says matter of factly.

“Well damn, Ave tell Sarah how you really feel.” Connies says trying to defuse the question.

“What? Are we going to sit here and act she isn’t fully in love with that man. Cuz you can lie to yourself but you can’t lie to us. Do you even see the way he looks at you? You are his beginning and ending, why else would he stay in this house? He literally could be anywhere than hot ass Delacroix, Louisiana. He’s here for you and those boys and a teeny bit to annoy his best friend.”

You sigh heavily and walk out of the kitchen and head to the front porch and plop down on the porch swing.

You can hear Connie whisper yelling at Avery.

You know she right you both have basically said that to each other.

“if you two stop whisper fighting, I’ll tell you about the night we kinda admitted our feelings!” You yell.

They come out and Avery hands you a beer and gives you an apologetic smile.

“So you remember when Buck started going to the VFW?”

11 Days Ago:

Cass, baby you are so sleepy just head to bed. I'll tell Buck to come say goodnight when he gets home." You say to the little boy currently asleep on the couch next to you.

"Okkkkkk....night momma, night Unc."

"I'll take him to bed." Sam says as he finishes his beer. He gets up and helps Cass upstairs.

You get a text.

Buck: So sorry this took so long! You know these old veterans love to talk. I'm at the Main Square light. Miss you.

Sarah: you are absolutely fine. I'm proud of you and I love that you get to hang out with all those youngins.

Buck: oh aren't you funny. They all get a kick out of my arm. I'm very popular and everyone loves me here.

Sarah: I mean that metal arm is something. We all love you here, but I know you need that comrade.

Buck: you're amazing. You are something. Something, that I don't deserve.

Sarah: you deserve the whole fucking world James! It was literally stolen from you. You deserve anything you want.

He doesn’t reply.

You hope he is pulling up the road.

You get up and head to the front door and watch him get out of his truck and solemnly walk up to you.

"I want you…I want this…I want the boys...I want it all." He says as he gets closer to you.

"Are you sure. This is a lot.....I am a lot."

He takes your hands and pulls you closer to him.

The sounds of Sam humming 'American Woman' ruins the moment.

You figured he saw you two talking on the porch because his humming stopped for about 8 seconds before he started singing the song out loud.

You both head inside to Sam's stares.

~~~

“Oh my Sweet Baby Black Jesus! He said that? My heart and vagina!” Avery says wiping her eyes.

“Right!??!! He kills me with that. He’s always so sincere and honest and so open.”

“And?” Connie says wiggling her eyebrows.

“And nothing….anyway how’s does the cake look?”

“Patriotic.”

"What do you want me to say? I know how I feel and I know how he feels.....well a little bit." You sigh out.

"I can't begin to imagine how confusing this all is. Do you think your apprehension is coming from his.....past?" Connie asks you in a small voice.

"No. Not even a little bit. I guess deep down I realize that he will never be fully mine.....does that make sense? He has this deep sense of duty to protect Earth and at a moments call he'll leave in the middle of the night and one time he.......won't come home. I can't do that again.....I can't." You say your voice full of emotion.

"You can't let that stop you from finding and reclaiming love. Being afraid of losing someone will never change. Losing Davis was the hardest thing but I had to open my heart again and I was able to find Julia." Avery says with her voice full of emotion.

You remember vividly the day Avery found out that her husband's helicopter was shot down in Iraq. Davis Jadot asked Avery Douglass to marry him during his Valedictorian speech in college.

"I know......I think that I love him but I don't know if I'm ready to say it. I'm pretty sure he said a week ago when we were......talking."

"Talking? 'Ohhhh James don't stop' You call that talking?" Connie says.

"I fucking hate you!" You say laughing.

"Ooooh....that's it. That's the spot!"

"Yesssssss! Yesssssss!"

You three are all laughing hysterically when the guys walk in.

"What's so funny?" Bucky asks walking into the kitchen

Avery and Connie just laugh even harder.

A few minutes you join them outside in your screened in porch.

"So imma need the rest of the 'almost I love you' story." Avery says the second you open the door."

"Well.....geesh let me sit down. Well, the night before we were talking and fell asleep after, the next morning......" You mumble out

8 Days Ago:

The gentle sounds of mechanical humming wakes you up and you turn your head to see a sleeping Bucky.

He told you about the fight with that fucking crazy Captain America and about his arm. He got a call the next day from a very busy Shuri who told him that she got an alert that his arm was damaged so she would be fixing it remotely and she would do it while he was asleep.

It poured last night so the coaches called saying baseball would be canceled for Saturday morning. Sam was out of town for the weekend you two didn't have to try so hard to act like a couple.

This is the 4th time he has slept in your bed, you two were folding laundry and you helped him put his clothes away and he helped you put the boys away. He's the only one who can walk in the boy's room without them waking up. He gave them boys forehead kisses and walked back to you in the hallway.

You just grab this left hand and lead him to your bedroom to show him your appreciation.

You can tell by his movements that he is starting to wake up, you roll over to see his face.

"Hi. I hope this thing didn't wake you." He says shrugging his shoulder.

"It did, but I was naturally waking up. Good morning by the way.”

“Good morning, you look amazing in the morning.” He says pulling you closer.

“You’re a terrible liar, Buck.” As you stretch and roll unto your back, the sheet falls and exposes your bare breasts.

You can see the smirk on his face.

“What’s that look for? You definitely see these before.” You say moving the sheet down more.

He slowly moves closer to your breast and runs his warm tongue over your left nipple.

You moan out his name and lean closer to his mouth.

"I love waking up next to you but I love it even more when your naked." He says looking up at you.

"You are so naughty. Come here." You say pulling the sheet down to your waist.

He quickly gets in between your thighs and is kissing up your neck.

"You smell amazing."

"I do? Thanks." You say as a moan.

"So.....so......good." He says as he nips and sucks on your neck.

"I just wanted....you....to know that......your presence here.....is very appreciated." You say moaning as he kisses down towards your breast.

"You are very welcome. I'm assuming you mean everywhere not my current state."

He says as he kisses his way down your stomach.

You sit up on your elbows and look down at him.

"Nope. Definitely just this and maybe when your pick up something heavy." You say with a smirk.

"Wow....fuck you Sarah." He says laughing.

"Ooooh James Buchanan Barnes do you kiss your mother with that potty mouth."

"Nope, especially since she's been dead for 80 years."

You fall back dramatically on your back and cover your face with your hands.

"Ughhhh sorry......that was so dumb of me to say." You mumble out.

You can feel him move off of you and your pretty sure he's leaning over you.

"Its fine. I swear, although my entire life was changed there is nowhere I'd rather be......well there is one place I'd rather be."

You can feel his left hand on your hip as he pushes your hip so that you are on your side.

"More."

You turn so your hip is against the bed and both knees are on the bed then you push your ass against his metal palm.

"That's it......just like that." He says as smacks your ass gently.

He slides his hand over the curve of your ass and slides his middle and ring finger along your lips.

You moan out his name.

"This wet and I've barely touched you."

"I don't even need to see your face to know you.......are.......smiling........ohhhh I absolutely hate you." You try to say as he starts to make small circles around your clit.

"I don't think you do....you say that but then.....oh so it's like that?"

You had reached your hand over and started to stroke him.

"I want you.....I want you so deep inside me."

And without another word he is pressing into your folds.

"Oh Buck." is all you manage to say as he slides deep inside you.

He slowly starts to rock into you rolling his hip to hit your spot over and over and over.

You are a panting mess as slowly thrusts into you. He's hand is on your hip and he kisses your neck and is moaning in your ear.

He can feel your walls clench around him

"You feel so good around me, are you going cum for me?" He whispers in your ear.

You have no words.

"I am going to need you to cum for me, I know you are so fucking close I can feel it." He grunts in your ear.

"Oh god........please" You plead as orgasm tears through you and the waves of it are coursing through you as he keep pounding into you.

"That's it, that's what I wanted "

You are trying to ride out the aftershocks and the waves of your orgasm are still happening as he starts to chase his own orgasm.

"Buck, don't stop. I am going to cum again" you clench around him for a second time not sure if you will survive this orgasm. Tears form in your eyes and the moans you are trying to suppress are just sighs and screams.

Bucky leans down to your ear and grunts and moans your name.

"Yes...." you barely manage to say

"I love you"

Oh my God.

He clenches his jaw as he tries to hold off his orgasm as continues.

"I'm falling in love with you " You are trying to process what you feel but it very hard with him being you to multiple orgasms.

"Me too." You mumble out hoping he heard it.

He start pumping into even harder and faster and a surprise orgasm hits you harder than you have ever experienced and triggers Bucky to empty himself into you. You are a full on crying trembling mess. He pulls you back to the side and slows pulls out of you.

You fall asleep to the gentle whirring sounds of his vibranium arm.

~~~~

"Wait a goddamn minute Ms Wilson.....ALMOST? That was definitely not almost." Avery whisper yells.

You try to look over at Connie to gauge her response.

"Don't look over here. That was a clear statement.....I mean everyone says stuff during sex they don't necessarily mean. But he did say it twice and you said 'me too'."

"I did and I do....I'm pretty sure I do. I still can't believe this is even happening he came from nowhere and I'm in love with him. I can't believe I said that out loud. Holy shit. I'm in love with him."

The thing you didn’t realize while you were busy confessing your love for Bucky Barnes was Connie and Avery's faces, they were both looking past you and Avery was practically blinking Morse Code.

"You're in love with who?" Sam says from behind you.

"What?" You say turning around to face your brother, Bucky, Ethan, Cass and AJ.

"You just said and I quote 'Holy shit. I'm in love with him' Him who? It better be Jesus."

"Uncle Buck.....that's what I think. I've seen them kissing in the kitchen." AJ says walking into the yard.

"Gross. But I think its Uncle Buck too...I'm mean why else would he live here. Isn't he rich or something? I mean personally I'd be in Wakanda!" Cass shouts as he follows his brother to join Connie and Ethan's kids.

The adults are just standing in an awkward silence as Sam looks from person to person realizing everyone knows just how serious you two are.

"The cake."

"The kids...."

"I need a drink."

Ethan, Connie and Avery all disperse in every direction, leaving you, Bucky and unfortunately Sam.

"I thought you two were just bored...."

"Sam go the entire fuck away." Bucky says without looking at him.

"Wow. WOW. So it's like that? My own associate and my sister? Wow." Sam says dramatically as he walks back in the house.

"Well, that didn't go as planned."

"Nope." Buck says with a smirk on his face.

"I wasn't sure you heard me during.....you know." You say walking towards him.

"I did. Very clearly....super human hearing. But it is nice to hear it again and not because I was making you cum."

"Oh my goodness! Buck! You are the worst." You say pushing him in the chest which because he wasn't expecting it actually made him move.

He pulls you into his arms and kisses you.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Ughhhh. I can't. I can't believe this old ass man is macking on my baby sister." Sam sighs out as he walks past you two.

[another-fckn-incorrect-svt-blog]

im a new carat and trying to learn seventeen's names and everything. are there any fandom inside jokes and songs by them that you can reccomend to me?? :D

Oh Hello new carat!!! Welcome to the family!

Hmmm lemme think how best to answer this - I know there are a good number of really good ‘Guide to Svt’ videos on youtube so I super recommend those!! Here is my (abbreviated) intro to the members, including some of my favorite moments from each: Seungcheol: Leader but also Baby.  An absolute sweetheart, would die to protect this man.  Favorite meme moments include when he ate a whole tube of toothpaste to keep the other members from getting it, his Dorky Dad Dancing or his ‘YAWAWOOOO!’.

Jeonghan: I call him Con Artist because he is. This boy is so Clever, and I relate to him because I too attempt to cheat at every game.  He is one half of the Evil Twins who like to (lovingly) bully Seungcheol. Favorite moments include Every Time he’s cheated in a game and how willing he is to sleep at Any Time.

Joshua: Acts like a gentleman, is just as evil as his twin.  Don’t believe the ‘church boy’ image PLEDIS tried to push for him.  Favorite meme moments include his ‘sexy’ dance and... whatever went on when he was inflating a bottle with his nose. 

Junhui: My bias, I love this boy Literally so much.  He’s a bit of a shy bean but he’s also Weird As Fuck.  Favorite moments include the strange dubbing videos he kept posting where he was providing voices for corgis and other animals, his excitement over his hot dog cooking machine and every time he mirrors whatever the others are doing (it’s really cute). 

Soonyoung: Performance leader, absolute Meme, the Ultimate Gemini (legit he is gemini in Every house).  Fun fact I want to fight him because he jumped in front of me at a random dance play and scared the SHIT out of me.  Kind of a furry but we love him for it.  Favorite moments include breaking into Jihoon’s studio to record a song about tigers & that time he almost fought some sasaengs.

Wonwoo: Probably in possession of SVT’s only braincell except it also goes on vacation sometimes.  A beautiful, intelligent and sensitive nerd who I would commit crimes to protect. Favorite meme is definitely his line in Home where Carats all yell back at him in a super deep voice. Also his ‘hamburger’ aegyo is fucking cute.

Jihoon: Vocal leader, Genius Producer, literal definition of Tsundere. Probably has the braincell whenever Wonwoo doesn’t.  He writes and produces nearly all of SVT’s songs - we STAN a hardworking man.  Favorite meme moments include when he tried to hit Mingyu with a guitar and when he dodged everyone’s hugs onstage and ended up lifting one of the others over his shoulder.

Mingyu: The gentle giant, world’s biggest puppy dog. Essentially a real-life mary su - handsome, talented, but extremely clumsy.  Can do no wrong, please protect him from himself. Favorite moments include every single time he’s dropped or broken something on camera, or his ‘AKITA SOUND!!!’

Seokmin: Someone help this boy I love him so much but he has No Braincells.  Negative Braincells. But it’s okay because he’s so pure and sweet and has one of if not The most powerful voice in kpop. Favorite moments include when he touched some noodles and was so shook that his soul left his body, or just his general Screaming.

Minghao: A wine-drinking eboy art hoe and we Love him for it.  Our fashion king, models everywhere are Shaking. Drops some Wisdom Bombs every now and then, we stan a woke king. Favorite moments include doing acrobatics out of Nowhere without his glasses even falling off, and every time he’s So Done with Jun.

Seungkwan: The world’s sassiest and yet sweetest angel, an absolute Icon. Like Seokmin probably has some of the most powerful vocals in kpop, but is also an absolute Variety King. Comedians everywhere have nothing on this boy. Favorite moments include at the Ode To You tour where any time a member talked too long he yelled ‘IT’S NOT YOUR SOLO CONCERT!’ and his outrage over someone else getting Beyonce as their meyer’s briggs type.

Vernon: This boy.  A living meme. Also a fashion icon but in like. The opposite direction from Minghao. Everything he does is so fucking funny how does he do it? Also super sweet and has the best heart.  Favorite moments include all his Meme reactions, and when he and Joshua went bungee jumping.

Chan: The future of kpop. An absolute ball of talent and passion, puts 120% into everything he does. Can do Anything, be Anything, and we will support him 120%. Favorite moments include all of his Dino’s Danceology’s, and the absolute regret on his face every time he’s forced to say he’s Jeonghan’s Baby until he’s 30.

And now for some of my favorite songs!

Title Tracks - Hit, Fear, Clap, Getting Closer, Adore U

Ot13 b-sides - Good to Me, Holiday, Crazy in Love, Snapshoot, My My

Japanese Tracks - 24H, Fallin’ Flower, Call Call Call

Unit songs - Change up (Leader line), My I (China line), Rocket (American line), Just Do It (Booseoksoon), Lilili yabbay (Performance Team), Don’t Listen in Secret (Vocal Team), Check In (Hip Hop team) 

Sorry this got so long, I hope it was somewhat helpful or at least amusing!  Again welcome to the family - in my experience Carats are one of the most welcoming & friendly fandoms, so I hope you enjoy your time here and with seventeen!!

[lesbianlovelanguage]

YOUTUBER AU I’m such a fucking sucker for those. It can be anything you want really. Maybe they are friends doing a challenge or something and they end up kissing (or more ;)) or they could meet each other at like a creator even and take a pic together and everyone starts to ship them... :)

HI! Anon I am so sorry, life has been *general handwaving* a MESS. But, I’ve finally gotten most of my shit together and look! A fic! Finally!!! I hope you enjoy two ridiculous boys being ridiculous.

---

“You guys asked for it, and here it is. The explanation to Bendy and the Ink Machine! Now, I’ve watched a ton of playthroughs of this, especially The RatKing’s, as well as played through it myself, and I think I’ve got it.” 

Such a simple statement, it made it through both of the editors as well as Steve and Dustin themselves without raising any red flags. But as with everything, once it had been released on the internet it became fuel for fans to break apart and over analyze. 

The comments started pouring in, the standard mix of support and people trying to break apart his theory. But one comment in particular would stand out and begin something so much bigger than itself. 

Twenty minutes after Steve had pressed upload, someone with the username Random Hoe posted a comment saying Awe! A collab between you and Billy would be totes amazing!! While an innocent comment in itself, it began to pick up steam as people ranted and demanded for the two popular youtubers to interact more. It turned from video ideas to outright shipping within two hours, and only five hours after the video had been up, people began tagging Steve on Twitter with everything from edited screen grabs to fanart and video edits, all about Steve and Billy’s secret yet undying love for each other. 

Steve had almost quit Youtube as the fanbase for what had been dubbed “Stilly” steadily grew and became all the more ravenous. There were less and less comments and reactions to his theories, whether movie, video game, or even book related, and more and more comments about how he needed to do a collab with Billy ASAP, and how he’s queerbaiting, and how it’s okay to come out, it was 20Gayteen after all. He had tried to do damage control, but it only made things worse. 

And then someone showed Billy, and Steve not only wanted to quit Youtube, but also crawl under a rock. 

Billy’s only reaction to someone sending him a picture of Steve and Billy during a live stream was “Nice art, like the hair,” but Steve could have sworn his mouth twitched down in a grimace before Billy recovered his composure. 

But Dustin had convinced Steve to keep going, and with two months of no recognition or new content, the frenzy of Stilly shipping died down. It never disappeared, but no one sent anymore art to Billy and stopped tagging Steve in all of their posts. That had been in February. 

Vidcon was in June, and Stilly was the least of Steve’s worries. He’d been asked to host a panel on the new game show he and Dustin had begun hosting on Youtube TV about pop culture trivia, and then host a live episode with various Youtube guests as competitors. It promised to be relatively simple, a simple explanation of the origin and behind-the-scenes and a simple Q&A session followed by what he spent every Thursday doing for the past two months. And it was, him and Dustin breezing through the panel bouncing off of each other and the first round of Did You Know? You Don’t Say? flying by as the famed beauty guru aced almost every question. But once the second guest stepped on stage, Steve knew it was all going to go to shit. 

Because Billy Hargrove, The Rat King himself, swaggered out on the stage in flip flops and an Everlast crop top and flopped into the contestant’s chair with a smirk. Steve froze, mouth suddenly drier than a desert. 

Luckily, Dustin didn’t even stutter. “Ah! The next victim. Should we go easy on him?” He waggled his eyebrows as he asked the audience. The audience shouting brought Steve out of his daze, and with a shake of his head, he turned and spread his arms out wide. 

“Well then, let’s begin. So, Billy, Do you know what the rarest MnM color is?” 

The cocky smirk melted off of Billy’s face, replaced by one of thoughtful determination. He’s silent for only a moment before he looks up and says, “Brown, like your eyes, Pretty Boy.” Steve feels his pale skin flush with heat, but he coughs and tries to play it off.

“Quite the charmer there, Rat King. Luckily, your lines are actually true. One point! Let’s see it!” He calls out and then looks behind him to the television screen currently displaying the scoreboard. A large blocky 1 appears and the audience cheers. 

“Alrighty then,” Dustin says after the crowd dies down. “Next question. Billy, Do you know the original name of Istanbul?” Billy chuckles, and shakes his head.

“Easy. Constantinople.”

Dustin fake pouts and looks over to Billy. “None of that Rat King charm for me?” The audience laughs, and Billy chuckles before throwing a wink at Dustin.

“Not quite old enough to ride this ride, bud.” 

Dustin scoffs and shakes his head, making the curls bounce around wildly. “Whatever you say, old man. You did get it right by the way. Let me see another point!” Dustin mimics Steve and gestures towards the scoreboard which now shows a big, white 2. 

“Your turn, Pretty Boy. Give me something hard.”

“Alright. Let’s see.” Steve pretends to look over his notes before seeing the perfect question. “So, Billy, Do you know which two American states don’t observe daylight savings time?” Billy stares blankly at Steve. This was the final question in their lineup, but he had asked for a hard question. 

Luckily, Billy recovers quickly and clears his throat before giving another chuckle. “Damn, I know I said give me a hard one, but I wasn’t expecting that. I’m gonna go with Hawaii and Alaska?” Steve shakes his head and gives a small sigh. 

Dustin gives a little cheer, and then runs over to a table off to the side of the stage where they have a cue card that the contestant has to read off of if they lose. It was Dustin’s idea, the You don’t say? part of the title. It’s his favorite part of the show, because they get to see their contestants say some ridiculous things.

“Well, unfortunately, that was incorrect,” Steve announces over the booing audience. “And, following the rules, you now have to read whatever is on this card.” Dustin hands Billy the cue card with a wicked grin. 

Billy sighs and flips over the card. There’s a moment of silence as he reads over what the card says, and then he looks up at Steve and clears his throat.

“Would a Pretty Boy want to go out with me?” He says in a clear voice, gaze never leaving Steve’s. 

Suddenly too many things for Steve to process happen at once. He feels the heat return to his cheeks and his mouth dry out again, the audience goes wild, and a buzzer sounds, signaling that they were out of time for Did You Know? You Don’t Say? Dustin comes through and pushes a frozen Steve off-stage, where Billy is waiting in the wings. With the audience’s weighty gaze gone, the feeling returns to Steve all at once.

“What the hell man? What was that out there?” He hissed at Billy. The man simply shrugs and gives another one of his trademark smirks.

“Just giving the people what they want, Princess. Try to keep up.” And then he turns around, and walks away. Simple as that. Nothing to it. 

Steve wants to scream. Fortunately, he and Dustin have been friends for years, and he knows all of Steve’s tics by now. The stagehands shoo them from the wings, and he pulls Steve through one of the backdoors to outside the convention center. Somehow, he also procures a water bottle in the hustle, and hands it to Steve once they’re both sitting on the steps outside. Steve takes the water bottle gratefully and chugs half of it in one long gulp. He pulls it away and wipes at his face before sighing. He seems to deflate, like a balloon losing all of its helium at once, and Dustin puts an arm around him. It’s awkward because he’s shorter than Steve, but it’s still comforting nonetheless. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Dustin asks quietly.

“I- I’m so stupid. For just a second I thought it was real, but why would it be? What would someone like him see in someone like me?” Dustin lets out a huff before pulling away and turning towards Steve.

“Steve, buddy, pal o’ mine. You’re an idiot. If anything, he doesn’t deserve you. He’s a pompous ass for pulling a stunt like that. It’s bullshit.” 

“He could have anyone. Between his paycheck and his pecs, he’s one of Youtube’s hottest content creators.”

“Yeah, sure. But for the sake of alliteration, he also lacks personality. The guy’s a huge dick! And he proved it today. He knew that you wouldn’t shut him down and bitch him out on stage, so he thought it would be funny to pull that shit.”

“Yeah, he is kind of just a publicity-seeking asshole, you’re right,” Steve admits, feeling a little better, and a lot angrier. “You know what, Dusty-Poo? I’m gonna find him, and give him a piece of my mind.” He stands up, itching for a fight and knowing who to go find for one.

“Tha-that’s not exactly what I meant but sure! Go knock him down a peg.” Dustin stands up as well and follows Steve back onto the main showfloor. 

It takes about twenty minutes to find Billy amongst the crowd but Steve sees him, and locks in like a tiger stalking his prey. Or something cool like that. Thankfully, Steve doesn’t have to make a huge scene as he walks up to Billy and gets in his face. 

“You. Me. Conference Room 3. Now,” Steve says, poking a finger in the middle of Billy’s chest to emphasize his point. Billy chuckles, but still follows along as they walk into the empty conference room. Once they clear the doors and Steve hears them swing shut behind them, he turns to Billy.

“Explain. What the fuck was the point of that little,” he wavs his hand around, “stunt you pulled during the game show?” 

Billy raises an eyebrow. “Told you Pretty Boy. I gave the people what they wanted. 

“So that’s it? It was a publicity stunt?” 

“You tell me. You’re the one who started the whole thing,” Billy shoots back, still holding on to an air of nonchalance, but Steve can his patience waning.

“You- you mean the stuff from February? When I happened to mention you in one video? You think I meant for that shitstorm to start, for fun and publicity?” 

Billy only shrugs again.

“Okay. Nope. Again, I mentioned your channel one time, as a source. Gave credit where credit was due. I do it for all the channels I watch! I’ve mentioned Nancy’s channel like 8 times, and Jonathan’s too. Never had this shit started with them.”

“They’re married, Steve. Like super married. Of course it wouldn’t. We’re both single, queer youtubers. Of course shit’s gonna stop. Didn’t your agent or whoever look over your video?”

Steve huffs. “Oh yeah, let me just go hire an agent, cause I have such a need for someone to monitor my every move,” Steve snarked. Billy just looked at him like he had failed to add 2 and 3.

“You’re telling me you, part of one of the biggest channels on Youtube, don’t have an agent?” 

“We’re not one of the biggest channels, and we’ve never needed one! We’ve got our team of editors and assistants, no need for some agent.”

“Steve,” Billy says patiently, like he was explaining something to a child, “You have over 4 million subscribers. That’s a big channel.” 

“We’re still not one of the biggest channels, dipshit.”

“Oh, I'm the dipshit? I didn’t start a fucking fandom frenzy apparently by accident. Because I was smart and got a fucking agent.”

“You’re such an asshole.” 

“Whatever you say Princess.”

“Stop fucking calling me a princess!” Steve screams, voice booming in the silent conference room. “Why do you do that? Pretty Boy, Princess, Stevie? Just- just stop with the fucking nicknames. It’s not fair.” The second part of his outburst comes out as a whisper, sounding almost desperate. 

Billy was at a loss for words, but then again, he had always been more of a man of action. 

So he says nothing, only gives a seconds’ thought of what he was going to do, before lunging forward and doing it. 

Steve’s next words are muffled as Billy crashes their lips together with absolutely no finesse, teeth clacking. It probably constituted as the worst kiss Billy has ever had, but as he moves back, Steve grabs a fist full of blond locks and pulls him forward. Their 

second kiss is far better. By no means is it soft, but that was just par for the course with them wasn’t it? 

The kiss comes to a natural ending as they both pull back to breath, before Steve starts to giggle. 

“You really need to work on your pick-up lines, Rat King.”

A soft gasp from the doorway cuts off Billy’s retort, and they both turn to see a girl decked out in Youtube merch, including a jacket with the Upside Down Theories logo on it. She had dropped her backpack, and was open-mouthed gaping at the two. Her eyes are as wide as dinner plates as she frantically gathers up her backpack and shoots out of the conference room. 

“Chances that this blows up online by tomorrow?” Steve asks, turning to the blond next to him. 

“I’m betting in the next two hours, Pretty Boy,” Billy replies.

A wicked smirk creeps onto Steve’s lips as he shrugs and says, “Oops. What was that about getting an agent to help with this stuff?” 

---

Aside from this taking FOREVER, I hope you guys enjoy this! It was tons of fun to write.

tag team: @lostnoise @gideongrace @stevefuckingharrington @a-magey @catharrington @trashycatarcade @myboyfriendsteve @thesummerof84 @lightsupinthenorth @smashmouth-hargrove (lmk if you would like to be added/removed from the list!)

[cozycryptidcorner]

Oh lawd take your time with this cuz I'm unhinged: For the whore&hoe™ 20/24/30 and for the light of my life, April 16/22/28

40. for both

the whore&hoe™

20: Does your oc have any pleasure that embarrasses them so they keep it secret? Or are they open about all the things they enjoy?

Oh no with this he’s an open book and down to try pretty much everything. Babygirl he knows positions you can only dream of with your non bendable bones and your immovable pelvis.

24: What smells bring back specific memories to your oc? What are those memories like?

The soap you used while “staying over” (ie: held hostage) was lavender and lilac so now every time he smells lavender or lilac hes reminded of how you ran away from him.

30: What topics does your oc know the most about? Are these obvious or would these be surprising to others?

Even though he is a stupid slut, he’s actually pretty knowledgeable in the ways of magic. Kind of like a scientist? And despite his recent behavior, he used to have a decently sharp head for politics.

40: Are there any habits your oc has picked up from people around them? Do they know where they’re from? Does your oc try to stop themselves from doing it?

He’s picked up flirting methods from the court, but he actually picked up some really good interrogation tactics from Mc. He’s never sweated while being pressured before and now when he has to be the mean one, he uses the same line of questioning.

April

16: If your oc could only eat one thing for the rest of their life (while miraculously not suffering from malnutrition), what would it be? Does this match their favourite food?

Macaroni and cheese and hot dogs. Her pallet is that of an average small American child and will shock/horrify her father.

22: How long can your oc stay focused on one task before they get bored? Do they constantly have to switch things up or do they hyperfocus? What sort of things is it the opposite for?

Squirrel brain. The girl is six so the part of her head that helps with focus is still developing. Mom’s had to devise some tactics for her to stay on task, with lots of rewards and the like, just so she gets her homework done.

28: What is your oc’s typical walking like? Do they speed-walk everywhere, do they take quick short steps or long paces? On their tiptoe, the sides or heels of their feet? How loud are their footsteps?

She runs like a wee maniac. Mc has to constantly remind her to walk, and when she does, it’s a hoppity strained kind of walk

[bitchgomakemymoney3hundoe]

Dear Élysée Cathedralé Parish(Catholicism)E.U.

    Bonsoir Mon Peuples Of The Sacred Confraternity Of The Most Holy Rosary Such As The Catechism.

    I Am Writing This Letter To Inquire Masonic Catholicism/Christos Masonica Of Whom Of Which Are The Official Government Enforcers And Mighty Militia Of Aye, The Sacred King Of The Republique Masonica®© And By Royal Decree, Aye, Sacred King Andrâe Paul One Here By Demand A Full-scale Investigation Be Opened Up On The Discovery Of "Yesterday's Hottest AV Stars Then And Now 2021" As You See An Awful Lot Of These So Called Models Have A Very Nasty Habit Of Playing Games With Anyone Who's Everyone While Hiding Behind Pictures/Images Or Else Even Some Sort Of Propaganda Just Like The Manipulative/Vindictive/Lying Bitches That They All Are When The Fact Of The Matter Is All These So Called Models Are All Washed Up And Looking Nothing At All Like Their Modeling Days And Catfishing Unsuspecting Would Be 300+ Lovers Just To Line Them Up Like Suckers When We May Or May Not Even Now What These Bitches Look Like Anymore And All The While These Washed Up Skeezers Still Trying To Hide Behind Old Pictures Of Themselves Catfishing People While Illegally Conducting Ponzi Schemes/Money Schemes/Credit Card Schemes All Like Cheap Gift Card Hoes Well No More Of That Bullshit Because Now The Poisson Administration Is Laying Down The Law And Cleaning House And Any Of These Washed Up Skeezers Playing Their Games Will Be Expected To Pay $850 Zillion American USD As Well As To Face A Sentencing Of 35 Years To Life In A County Prison With Or Without Possibly Of Parole.

From This Petition That I Have Filled I Shall Like To See All These Washed Up Skeezers Forfeit Any Form Of Membership As To Any Sort Of A Club "Like Bitch Out Here Trying To Claim Secret Society Just To Enable Herself As A Disgusting Prostitute, Bitch Please"

--------------------------------------------------------   

Please Let There Be Multiple Search Warrants Issued In Order To Search The Hall Of Records Of That Particular Jurisdiction/Neighboring Or Otherwise And To Triple Encrypt The Main Server To Pornography Industry As To Finally Drain The Swamp!!!

                             Signed,

Young Judiciary And Supreme Overlord Of The European Union, Honorable Monsieur Justice : Andrâe Paul Un(House Of European-American Parliament Du Francaise). 

[aftgficrec]

Hey so I remember this from awhile back or possibly a dream and I don't know who else to ask, but it was like a head canon or art or something about Neil being part Native American? If you can find it that would be amazing, but if not thanks so much for the effort you put in. Either way, yall are wonderful :) thanks so much for all your hard work.

Hi Anon and @thegreenerartist​. Ok, here goes. We have only seen the Native American headcanon for Kevin through Wymack, and we have a fic below. For nationalities/cultures, we’ve found a bunch of stuff! Thanks so much for the asks, hope you enjoy. - A

A quick peek at previous recs:

Neil is Polish and Jewish in ‘In Flanders Fields’ (Kevin is Irish) and ‘Front Lines.’ The setting for ‘Flanders Fields’ is the WWI trenches in northern France. In ‘Front Lines’ the setting is a fictional rendering of Budapest. Find both of these in wartime/military aus

EDITED: In ‘Red Rabbits 2’ here Neil’s heritage is Jewish, Indian and Polish. In ‘The Architecture of Flight’ here Neil’s mother is Pakistani.

The setting for ‘L’amour parle en fleurs’ here is southern France

Allison Reynolds is French in ‘KitKat Club’ here (explicit sexual content)

Katelyn is of Korean descent in ‘Love Hurts’ and ‘almost missed it’ here and Andrew is in ‘Andrew Minyard: Tiny Gay Disaster’ here

Foxes in different countries from previous recs

‘Dirty Old Town’ (Ireland) here

‘Let me tell you what's it like to be a zero’ (Ireland) here

‘The Foxes building houses in Mexico’ here

‘Spirits In My Head’ here

‘Armies’ (Germany) here

Nicky in Germany ask

‘When the frost is in bloom’ (Germany) here

Diversity headcanons

BLACK JEWISH NEIL by @palmett-hoes​ [tumblr, 2020]

headcanons on Jewish Neil by @bramlouisgreenfeld [tumblr, 2018]

Kevin Day singing a traditional Irish lullaby by @whatmack​ [tumblr, 2019]

Neil and Kevin with accents by @witherwaxian​ [tumblr, 2018]

Kevin as half Pakistani headcanons by @kevinparrishes​ [tumblr, 2020]: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 + Wymack and Kevin      

POC Jeremy Knox by @exyspacegays​ [tumblr, 2017]

Diversity canon rewrite

All For The Game: The Re-write by yeahboiislay [Rated T (we say M/E), 6493 Words, Incomplete, Updated July 2020]

I did not vibe with the original so I have taken it upon myself to re-write it with my ideas. So Kevin is Desi, Renee is Asian and nobody is really their canon ethnicity, except for a chosen few because I vibe with it. Also, the only reason I didn't change Neil's ethnicity is that I couldn't fix the dumpster fires that are his parents.

tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: major character death, tw: rape/non-con, tw: reference to attempted suicide, tw: sexism, tw: hate crime, tw: homophobia

Native American Kevin

NB: ‘Thanks for Nothing’ was previously reccd in an ask for Nicky dealing with the trauma of Andrew's fateful Thanksgiving. Find the ask here.

Thanks for nothing by AgapantoBlu [Rated T,  1110 Words, Complete, 2018]

The Foxes have no thanks to give. If anything, they have thanks to get for themselves.

tw: alcohol

Irish Kevin

Kevin Day takes a sabbatical by @jemej3m [Tumblr Fic, 2019]

Part 1: Kevin was well used to flying, but usually it was towards Exy, not away from it.  Part 2: Kevin couldn’t explain how he’d found himself here again, but he was. The patron beamed at him from behind the bean grinder and blew him a kiss.

Filipino Neil, Korean Andrew

Fool Me Once by cloudtalking [Rated T, 2440 words, complete, 2017]

When Andrew makes his first deal, it's not nearly as serious as his next, but it hurts twice as much when it's broken.

Mexican Nicky

My Cousins by filteredred [Rated T, 10525 Words, Complete, 2019]

Maria Hemmick’s quiet life as a mother and small-town pastor’s wife turns upside down when her unmarried and very pregnant sister-in-law Tilda makes a splashy return, stirring up righteous indignation, uncovering family secrets, and cleaving relationships. As the adults wrestle through old dynamics and new decisions, young family members face uncertain futures.

tw: racism, tw: teen pregnancy mention, tw: implied/referenced abortion, tw: implied/referenced miscarriage, tw: depression, tw: alochol abuse/alcoholism, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Andreil in Scotland, France & Antarctica

The Morning AUs - A Compilation by scribbleb_red [Collection Rated E/T, Collection, Last Updated 2020]

Chapter 18: The Shinty AU

Starring: Neil with a light scottish accent and Andrew with a giant crush for his neighbour.

Parallel by BelaBellissima [Rated T, Collection, Complete, 2018]

Chapter 1: Historical - Andreil (873 Words)

1863 - France

Lost in Translation by augustskies [Rated T, 10577 words, complete, 2018]

Andrew Minyard goes to Antarctica on a work trip, but what he doesn't expect is meeting someone with eyes the color of a cold winter sky.

tw: nightmare with drowning, tw: references to canonical character death

Some fancasts with diversity

X  by @jostenminyard, X by @sadboyayeron, X by @scodders, X by @stylxs-h, X by @miniwave333, X by @starthiief, X by @supernxvas​

Art

NB: Here’s a previous ask with lots of Thea art. We were unable to find the requested Indian or Asian representation.

Dan and Matt art by @rainbowd00dles​

lailvarez art by @helenspiralgf​

foxy ladies art by @thematicallycoherent​

i hc neil as chinese by @hi-raethia​, art here, here and here

PATTERN \\ noun... art by @free-the-elfies​ (tw: self harm scars)

Wymack… the banquet edit by @scodders​

We’re Foxes edit by @dailypalmetto​

Renee is Korean art by @shirogan-ayyy​

aaron & seth art by @nicsdoodles​

Roland, Alvarez & Laila art by @aymmidumps​

foxes art by @rachelpoulson​

pre-game jerejean +  allison art by @bluetheking​

[kenzie-but-on-main]

WHAT PETNAMES MEAN COMING FROM KENZIE

love- a classic, I don’t know you very well/ at all but I want to, gn

dude- were friends and chill, gn but feel free to fight me on that cause I’m cis so my opinion on gender is irrelevant, I don’t want to date you but I might later

bro- kinda like dude except I don’t want to date you and I never will

dudeeeee/brooooo- you said sum that made me soft, do it again please, but if you ask imma say it didn’t and be sad if you agree

babe- I only use this for dudes or chill friends there is no in between, if you’re a dude were dating maybe not officially but in my brain I’m committed to you if we’re friends I probably ran out of things to call you and I want attention

bb- you’re either sammie or i like you and don’t want to use baby because I’m saving that for when we date

darling- kinda like babe except women, you’re my wife and I wish we lived in the 1700s as secret lesbian lovers who killed their husbands to be together

bubs- it used to be for guys i wanted to date but now it’s just for my guy best friends and I love both of you v much

bubba- a german thing I picked up from my grandma, either you’re hella annoying or i want to carry your children no inbetween

bubbie- bubba but make it american, I want to carry your children but you made me sad and now it’s my life mission to make you happy

princess- I love you more than words can explain, I would give you my heart if you needed it

pretty boy- you’re a sub and I want to fuck you, prett straight forward, only called one guy this and he was a fem boy and I loved him v much

bitch- I legit hate you, unless you’re sammie, this word holds the most emotional bagage for me so if I call you that it’s like the worst thing I can think of, usually used for family members

daddy/sir- fuck me please, I know it came up in a joke but I want you to fuck me like rn

sirrr- I couldn’t think of anything to say and I don’t want to talk, but I want to talk, yk? just ask a question and we’re chill

my love- you’re mine sorry :) usually for when people have a bad day and I want them to feel wanted, but like also I’m hella into you ask me out hoe

hoe- kinda how basic white girls use bitch, I don’t hate you I just don’t like using bitch

and that has been understanding kenzie 101 😌

[uzumaki-rebellion]

Soon Come... “Black Boys Bloom Thorns First: Volume 2, Chapter 30″ Finale

This has been a two-year journey from when I posted my first N’Jobu Udaku book chapter of Volume 1 back in April of 2018.

Back then, everyone in the fandom was writing about Killmonger, T’Challa, M’Baku, Nakia, Shuri, and Okoye, but I went the way back route out of curiosity. Although N’Jobu was in the movie for maybe less than ten minutes (if even that). I was curious as to how he would end up having a secret child with a Black American woman. I was curious to know why there was no mention of Erik’s mother in the movie, even when he was an adult and confronting T’Challa.

I looked all over the usual places for fics about N’Jobu, and although he is mentioned in a few other stories, I had yet to find that many that focused on him exclusively and how he came to shake-up Wakanda. I used to be sad when I found stories that started out great, and then the authors left them abandoned to pursue other stories (or life happened. I totally get that). With Sterling K. Brown’s fine ass, I was disappointed that I couldn’t read a bunch of N’Jobu sexy times. Also, it’s hard competing against your own son. I mean Killmonger stories seem to be more prolific than even T’Challa stories, and T’Challa is the damn hero, lol! Sexy bad guys will do that.

So I had to write it myself.

To write two books out of ten minutes of Sterling K. Brown screen time has been quite a task. Creating my own Erik Killmonger family canon has been fun. 

And I learned something about myself and Erik Killmonger.

When I first saw the Black Panther movie, I used to think Nakia was the right way to handle the world. I was one of those people that understood why Killmonger was the way he was, but also criticized how he treated Black women in the movie. (I also recognized a Dom when I saw one, cuz when he choked and lifted up that elder, I was not the only freak that said silently, “Yes, Daddy”) At the time I felt like Killmonger was doing the most but wouldn’t get what he wanted because he was too blinded by his rage and wasn’t open to pragmatic solutions like Nakia. But...

Writing about Erik’s parents before he was born and the transformation of N’Jobu through Erik’s mother has changed my mind about everything. Writing about Erik being born and raised by a mother who had the Diaspora on her mind and connected to Black women doing the work of shaping the world as they saw fit, and instilling that in Erk changed my mind. I made Erik be surrounded, nurtured, and taught by Black women. He has great respect for them (even when he is being a hoe at times!). Erik has the right to burn any and everything down, including other Black people that get in the way of true change, even if they are kin on the continent of Africa...and even if they are Black women that he thinks hinders progress.

Now ain’t that some shit?

Writing about him made me love him more than T’Challa. You all will see a spicey T’Challa when I have these two cousins meet back up even after the famous death scene.

I can’t wait until I am deep into Volume 4 when Erik is faced with Nakia and all of the rest of his Wakandan family. Everyone is catching hands. For the better.

Thanks to everyone who has been riding with this story. There aren’t that many of you, so I like to pretend we are a very special niche N’Jobu group. Honestly, people didn’t begin reading a lot of my stuff or following me until I started writing my Killmonger stories. I hope people will want to read these first two volumes. I have a deep love for N’Jobu and his tragic story. But Volume 4 will make amends for what he sacrificed with his wife Califia. I wanted to write books that showed how much Erik’s parents loved him, and why he would later go to the ends of the earth to bring Wakanda a reckoning. He is worthy of that.

Anyhoo,

I’m excited to finish up this final chapter. I have a lot of interesting things in store for the Stevens-Udaku family before T’Chaka shows up. I’m writing some things that give this family a final moment of respite before I move on to Volume 3 & 4.

As a reminder, Volume 4 is also the sequel to “Wet Sugar”. And if you haven’t read “Wet Sugar”, you should so you can follow along. If you don’t. Volume 4 won’t make any sense.

Be ready!

Tag List:

@fd-writes​​ @soufcakmistress​  @cherrystainedlipsbaby @tclaybon  @thadelightfulone​

@allhailqueennel​  @bartierbakarimobisson @cpwtwot​ @shookmcgookqueen @yoyolovesbucky​

@raysunshine78​ @the-illlestt​ @terrablaze514​  @l-auteuse​ @amirra88​ @jimizwidow​  @janelledarling​

@chaneajoyyy​ @sweetestdream92  @purple-apricots​  @blackpinup22​  @hennessystevens-udaku​

@scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade​ @bugngiz​ @stariamrry​  @honeytoffee​ @meilintheempressofdreams​

@tyees​  @eye-raq​  @writerbee-ffs​  @chocolatedream30​  @childishgambinaa​  @mygirlrenee​  @thewaysheis—awkward

[cupandbridle]

October 26, 1949, was not a day filled with important news. Maestro Clemente Manuel Zabala, editor-in-chief of the newspaper where I learned the essentials of being a reporter, concluded our morning meeting with two or three routine suggestions. He did not assign a specific story to any writer. A few minutes later he was informed by telephone that the burial crypts of the old Convent of Santa Clara were being emptied, and with few illusions he said to me, ‘Stop by there and see if you can come up with anything.’

The historic convent of the Clarissan nuns, which had been turned into a hospital a century earlier, was to be sold, and a five-star hotel built in its place. The gradual collapse of the roof had left its beautiful chapel exposed to the elements, but three generations of bishops and abbesses and other eminent personages were still buried there. The first step was to empty the crypts, transfer the remains to anyone who claimed them and bury the rest in a common grave.

I was surprised by the crudeness of the procedure. Laborers opened the tombs with pickaxes and hoes, took out the rotting coffins, which broke apart with the simple act of moving them, and separated bones from the jumble of dust, shreds of clothing and desiccated hair. The more illustrious the dead … the more arduous the labor, because the workers had to rummage through the remains and sift the debris with great care in order to retrieve precious stones and articles of gold and silver.

The foreman copied the information that was on each stone into a notebook, arranged the bones into distinct piles and placed a sheet of paper with a name on top of every mound to keep them all separate. And so the first thing I saw when I entered the temple was a long line of stacked bones, heated by the savage October sun pouring in through the holes in the roof and with no more identity than a name scrawled in pencil on a piece of paper. Almost half a century later I can still feel the confusion produced in me by that terrible testimony to the devastating passage of the years.

There, among many others, were a viceroy of Peru and his secret lover; Don Toribio de Cáceres y Virtudes, bishop of this diocese; several of the convent’s abbesses, including Mother Josefa Miranda; and the bachelor of arts Don Cristóbal de Eraso, who devoted half his life to building the coffered ceilings. One crypt was sealed with the stone of the second Marquis de Casalduero, Don Ygnacio de Alfaro y Dueñas, but when it was opened they found it empty; it had never been used. The remains of his marquise, however, Doña Olalla de Mendoza, had their own stone in the adjacent crypt. The foreman attached no importance to this: it was not unusual for an American-born aristocrat to have prepared his own tomb and be buried in another.

The surprise lay in the third niche of the high altar, on the side where the Gospels were kept. The stone shattered at the first blow of the pickax and a stream of living hair the intense color of copper spilled out of the crypt. The foreman, with the help of the laborers, attempted to uncover all the hair, and the more of it they brought out, the longer and more abundant it seemed, until at last the final strands appeared still attached to the skull of a young girl. Nothing else remained in the niche except a few small scattered bones, and on the dressed stone eaten away by saltpeter only a given name with no surnames was legible: SIERVA MARÍA DE TODOS LOS ÁNGELES. Spread out on the floor, the splendid hair measured twenty-two meters, eleven centimeters.

The impassive foreman explained that human hair grew a centimeter a month after death, and twenty-two meters seemed a good average for two hundred years. I, on the other hand, did not think it so trivial a matter, for when I was a boy my grandmother had told me the legend of a little twelve-year-old marquise with hair that trailed behind her like a bridal train, who had died of rabies caused by a dog bite and was venerated in the towns along the Caribbean coast for the many miracles she had performed. The idea that the tomb might be hers was my news item for the day, and the origin of this book.

[Gabriel García Márquez; Of Love and Other Demons, Preface, Cartagena de Indias, 1994]

[johns-prince]

Music Mix: John Lennon

1st || 2nd

The Hills || The Weeknd

I only fuck you when it's half past five The only time I'd ever call you mine I only love it when you touch me, not feel me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me When I'm fucked up, that's the real me, babe

In The Night || The Weeknd

He sang a song when he did it He was cold and he was so unforgiving Now she dances to the song on the minute Yeah, all the time, all the time It make her weak when she hear it

Uncomfortable || Chase Atlantic

I'm coming down heavy from the Adderall Borderline drowning in these messy thoughts I'll come down once I get some more This substance got a hold on me, I'm insecure 

I'm hearing voices, what the fuck's that sound? I'm going through problems I shouldn't talk about I'm thinking it's over but, shit, I'll ride it out

No Friends || Chase Atlantic 

I ain’t got no friends in this You should stay away, I fell aggressive I know I asked politely but I’m anxious And I don’t need you preachin’ ‘bout whatever I might lose my shit and leave forever

I ain't got no friends On the guest list, no I ain't got no friends On my mattress, no I ain't got no friends Oh, you an actress? Act this Walk the fuck away and don't look back, bitch 

Heartless || The Weeknd

'Cause I'm heartless And I'm back to my ways 'cause I'm heartless All this money and this fame got me heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless Said I'm heartless Tryna be a better man but I'm heartless Never be a wedding plan for the heartless Low life for life 'cause I'm heartless

I lost my heart and my mind I tried to always do right I thought I lost you this time You just came back in my life You never gave up on me (why don't you?) I'll never know what you see (why won't you?) I don't do well when alone (oh, yeah) You hear it clear in my tone

Therapy || All Time Low

My ship went down in a sea of sound When I woke up alone, I had everything A handful of moments, I wished I could change And a tongue like a nightmare that cut like a blade

Give me a therapy, I'm a walking travesty But I'm smiling at everything Therapy, you were never a friend to me And you can keep all your misery

Arrogant boy Love yourself so no one has to They're better off without you (They're better off without you)

Arrogant boy 'Cause a scene like you're supposed to They'll fall asleep without you You're lucky if your memory remains

I’m Still Here || John Rzeznik

I am a question to the world not and answer to be Heard or a moment that's held in your arms and what do you think you'd ever say I won't listen anyway you don't know me and I'll never be what you want me to be and what do you think you'd understand I'm a boy no, I'm a man You can't take me and throw me away And how can you learn what's never shown Yeah you stand here on your own They don't know me Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real Wanna touch things I don't feel Wanna hold on and feel I belong And how can the world want me to change They're the ones that stay the same They don't know me Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see All you wanted I could be Now you know me and I'm not afraid And I wanna tell you who I am Can you help me be a man They can't break me As long as I know who I am

They can't see me But I'm still here

Silhouette || Owl City

I'm tired of waking up in tears, 'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears I'm new to this grief I can't explain; But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain     The fire I began, is burning me alive But I know better than to leave and let it die I'm a silhouette asking every now and then Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again? I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone So I watch the summer stars to lead me home I'm sick of the past I can't erase, A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace, The mountains of things that I still regret, Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (No matter where I go) 

Get Off My Back || Bryan Adams

Well you think that you can take me on You must be crazy There ain't a single thing you've done That's gonna phase me Oh, but if you want to have a go I just wanna let you know

Get off my back! And into my game Get out of my way! And out of my brain Get outta my face! Or give it your best shot I think it's time you better face the fact Get off of my back!

I’m Born to Run || American Authors

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come Do whatever I want like I'm born to run I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo I wanna be careless even if I break my bones I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

Mad Hatter Cover || Toogla

I'm nuts, baby, I'm mad The craziest friend that you've ever had You think I'm psycho, you think I'm gone Tell the psychiatrist something is wrong Over the bend, entirely bonkers You like me best when I'm off my rocker Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed So what if I'm crazy? The best people are

Déjà Vu || 3oh!3

Mister bartender, you will kick me out And the blond girl in the back, you'll put your tongue down my mouth And the greaser in the jacket's gonna pick a fight And they'll probably kick my ass 'cause I'm drunk every night

Officer, officer, tell me the truth How many times can I get in trouble with you Before they lock me up for all the bad things that I do But you don't and that's why this feels like déjà vu

Everywhere I Go || Hollywood Undead

When I start drinking My dick does all my thinking Hoes want to be scene with me And I like their big fake titties D cup with extra filling Take it out let me lick it quickly Calm down its just a hickie I'll blame it on this whisky sipping gets me tipsy Drink fast and enjoy your buzz Take back street to avoid the fuzz I wanna take you home but your friends won't let ya I gotta 40 in my ford fiesta Buy beer Or pay the rent My signing bonus was quickly spent So I beat my meat like I'm a fucking butcher And I punk the pussy like I'm Ashton Kutcher!  

Afraid || The Neighborhood

All my friends always lie to me I know they're thinking You're too mean, I don't like you, fuck you anyway You make me wanna scream at the top of my lungs It hurts but I won't fight you You suck anyway You make me wanna die, right when I

When I wake up I'm afraid, somebody else might take my place

Being me can only mean Feeling scared to breathe If you leave me then I'll be afraid of everything That makes me anxious, gives me patience, calms me down Lets me face this, let me sleep, and when I wake up Let me breathe

Take What You Want || Post Malone ft. Ozzy Osbourne

I feel you crumble in my arms down to your heart of stone You bled me dry just like the tears you never show Why don't you take what you want from me? Take what you need from me Take what you want and go Why don't you take what you want from me? Take what you need from me Take what you want and go

I never needed anything from you ...And all I ever asked was for the truth (all I ever asked was for) You showed your tongue and it was forked in two Your venom was lethal, I almost believed you (almost believed you) Yeah, you preyed on my every mistake Waited on me to break, held me under hopin' I would drown Like a plague, I was wasting away Tryna find my way out, find my way out (find my way out) 

Mantra || Bring Me the Horizon

Before the truth will set you free, it'll piss you off Before you find a place to be, you're gonna lose the plot Too late to tell you now, one ear and right out the other one 'Cause all you ever do is chant the same old mantra

Breaking the Habit || Linkin Park

I don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't know why I instigate And say what I don't mean I don't know how I got this way I’ll never be alright

Bleed it Out || Linkin Park

Filthy mouth, no excuse Find a new place to hang this noose String me up from atop these roofs Knot it tight so I won't get loose

Truth is you can stop and stare Bled myself out and no one cares Dug a trench out, laid down there With a shovel up out of reach somewhere

Mama, help me, I've been cursed Death is rolling in every verse Candy paint on his brand new hearse

Can't contain him; He knows he works Fuck this hurts, I won't lie Doesn't matter how hard I try Half the words don't mean a thing

Figure.09 || Linkin Park

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts and the pain attached to them Sometimes I wonder why this is happenin' It's like nothing I can do would distract me when I think of how I shot myself in the back again 'Cause from the infinite words I can say I Put all pain you gave to me on display But didn't realize instead of setting it free I Took what I hated and made it a part of me

....

Hearing your name the memories come back again I remember when it started happening I see you n' every thought I had and then The thoughts slowly found words attached to them And I knew as they escaped away I was committing myself to em n' everyday I regret saying those things 'cause now I see that I Took what I hated and made it a part of me

Lying From You || Linkin Park

When I pretend Everything is what I want it to be I look exactly like what you had always wanted to see When I pretend I can forget about the criminal I am Stealing second after second just cause I know I can, but I can't pretend this is the way it will stay, I'm just (Trying to bend the truth) I can't pretend I'm who you want me to be

....

I remember what they taught to me Remember condescending talk of who I ought to be Remember listening to all of that and this again So I pretended up a person who was fitting in And now you think this person really is me and I'm (trying to bend the truth) But the more I push The more I'm pulling away

Lithium || Nirvana 

I'm so happy because today I've found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you We've broken our mirrors

...

I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head And I'm not sad And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard But I'm not sure I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there But I don't care I'm so horny but that's okay My will is good

[valkerymillenia]

Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 2

Here we go again!

All my reactions/live-blogging for this episode in a single post to avoid spamming.

"The Frankel Footage" interesting title...

Wait... Wait! Oh no... Oh no.... Don't tell me she's alive... Oh no...

FUCK!

Oh, so that's where the Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo song fits in. I was curious.

Wait, are they comparing Handler to Fairy Godmother??

I should cosplay this Handler outfit... Shouldn't I? Those shoes would murder me though.

Wait, Carmichael's name in the show is AJ? Why?

Rude fish.

Ahahah, AJ lives in a bong 😆

What's the 743 incident? 🤔

"I've dropped turds bigger than Herb" good to see she's still got claws.

Wow, the Commission is a really ungrateful bunch. I never expected to side with Handler on anything but here we are...

Is that a start map at the back of the typing pool?

Did Handler just get Five's old desk? Oh the irony...

Ahah, poor Dot. Every single time 😆

Body man! Ah! "what's that? Like a masseuse or something?" 😂 And Luther doesn't make it any better by replying "I take good care of Mr Ruby" 😂

Aww, Luther's existential crisis... Poor boy.

Luther, stop blaming Five... Dude, he did warn you that the results of time travel were unpredictable and he did save your life, stop being a little bitch and listen to your big brother.

Wait, did they actually serve alcohol to the 13 year old???

Ohhh, so that's what Hazel put in Five's pocket! November 22nd, 1963? Oohhh... (What's with Americans and putting the month before the day in dates? 🙄)

Ok, Vanya hoping that someone might be searching for her... Poor baby.

Ok, so Harlan is definitely bring coded as autistic. 🙏 Please make it good rep, please, please, please.

Aw, Diego turning politely so Lila can change. Cute boy.

Why do they keep getting into kissy positions? We get it, foreshadowing.

"you know the other window was open right?" Says the man that jumped through an unlocked door for the ✨ drama ✨

Hmm... I'm getting mixed feeling about Carl. I don't really want to hate him but... (I get a feeling in the end he and Sissy will patch things up and Vanya will end up giving up her girl, won't she? 😔)

Luther saw Vanya!!!!! Go after your sister, you dumbass!!!

So these Swedes are just rolling with the milk truck schtick, huh?

Police brutality. Of course. Very relevant to modern issues and very sad. Sadder that Allison could have kicked ass if she wanted and would have been justified but chose not to escalate.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE SWEDES DRINKING? 😨 That stuff looks like mercury but I'm guessing it's some super soldier serum or something?

"cousins on my robot mother's side" 🤣🤣🤣 I love Five's sass.

"imagine Batman, then aim lower" 🤣🤣🤣 omg, Five, I love you.

"why don't we just kill him?" You really are Handler's daughter, Lila...

But I am liking that Diego isn't completely lost yet, dumb but not morally lost.

Diego-Five banter is the best.

Damn cop won't even look at Allison. Fucker.

Ahah, poor Klaus just can't get away from the cult, can he?

"ahah, don't touch me" poor Klaus, he's sooooo uncomfortable.

Ooohh Professor Raymond!

Awww, poor Klaus... He can't handle the pressure and the expectations... History repeats itself.

I'm loving this budding Raymond-Klaus friendship... Can we PLEASE keep it that way?

"It's in the struggle that folks find out their true calling" Raymond, you have NO IDEA how right you are.

Klaus appalled at the racism 👌 me too, man, me too.

I love how Diego and Five react so chill to the screaming paranoid dude asking questions with a gun in their faces. "Such an open-ended questions" "really depends on the people" "yeah"😆

Is Lila painting Elliot's nails? 😆

"Hazel?" "Long story" "what's doomsday?" "Longer story" 😆

Dad!

Do the Swedes not talk at all?

Aww, Harlan, baby, you have my whole heart already.

Luther... Don't do it, hoe! That's your sister, I know you're scared but LOVE HER!

Luther, baby, are you having a nervous breakdown?

AAAAWWWWWWW!!!! Good boy, Luther! Good boy!

"you shouldn't be the one to apologize."

"I let you down. I did horrible things, things that I'm not proud of... When I could have just tried helping you. I thought it was my job to keep everyone safe, and I just... I just made it all worse."

"I never wanted to be the bad guy, so if you're bullshitting me, Vanya... I don't care. If you're hiding out here and don't want to be found, I understand. I just came here to tell you that I'm sorry... For my part in what happened."

I've been waiting for this apology for a year and it's so emotional, I love it. I love you, baby boy. The fandom better forgive him now, enough Luther hate.

Ahahahah, the Swedes are killing me 🤣🤣🤣

The outfits! The one cooking fish in the flower apron and underwear and fingerless gloves. The two staring, the knife contest. What weirdos.

Why is cat lady's head in the freezer?

Diego, stop making assumptions.

Did I mention I love Five's sass? Because I love Five's sass.

DS Umbrella Manufacturing Co. I still wonder what the DS stands for... And I wonder if they inherited the company.

So, you're just leaving Elliot tied up?

Aw, Lila having a breakdown... I still don't know if I trust her but I do like her.

Pinky swear. Aw. Diego, you can be a good big brother figure to Lila but you couldn't do that for your own siblings? Really, dude?

Raymond is such a good husband. Don't let this dude die, please.

Ah! That theory that Klaus would be found because of the cult members wearing his hand tattoos? WE CALLED IT!

I get a feeling Klaus is breaking into his own house...

"no talky, sleepy time now" adorable.

Ah! I KNEW IT, it IS his house. Nice place, Klaus.

I'm guessing Klaus got into the cult thing because he wanted to be loved (as he deserves) but went too far and now he can't take the pressure and the expectations anymore (and probably doesn't think he deserves it).

Oh boy, that chemistry between Vanya and Sissy... 😏

Uh oh, flashbacks.

Aw, Five is nervous to see dad. And Diego is being a decent brother. I like.

"when I was stuck out there in the apocalypse, there wasn't a day that wasn't by where I didn't hear his voice in my head" "what was he saying?" "'I told you so'." "well, if Dad's here, he's never met you before, so he can't say 'I told you so'" "I'm sure he'll find a way" - probably, it's Reginald after all.

Yeah, Diego, you and doors. You keep forgetting you have a literal teleporter with you.

DS Umbrella? More like BS.

Oooohhh the nuclear testing bunkers from the promos are actually Reginald's creation? Unexpected.

Oh, a gala! Yes, please, I want to see that.

Baby Pogo!

Ouch, that is definitely not the Pogo we know! Poor Five, that's gotta hurt.

Badass Reginald! (The music though! So condescending 😆) I'm impressed! Very secret assassin of you.

No! DIEGO! (the irony of the knife guy getting stabbed 😬)

Two eps down!

I need more!!!!

[finding-the-daylight]

It’s been a real fucking stressful week so I’m finally gonna be drunk-watching and reviewing Breaking Dawn Pt. 2. However, I will likely only be slightly drunk(ish) (if at all) because I’m all out of liquor and only have one beer at the moment, but hopefully it’ll be enough to counteract how terrible this movie is lmao. As usual, here is what I remember from the movie the first (and only) time I ever watched it: 

1. The battle scene happened but it was all in Alice’s vision and never actually happened.

2. Imprinting bullshit that none of us want to talk about. Let’s pretend it never happened.

3. Some weird dude makes fake IDs on demand.

4. All the vampires with cool powers get together, yet, sadly, they do not take down the Volturi to form a better, democratic government.

My thoughts as I’m watching are below the break: 

- The opening credits triggered a forgotten feeling of sadness. Was it sadness over a terrible plot or sadness over the series being over? I couldn’t tell you.

- This fucking soundtrack excuse me. The orchestral opening piece? BEAUTIFUL. I want to choreograph a ballet to this. Or do the TikTok twerk challenge to it. Idk. 

- I’m actually kind of sad that this was the last movie and it hasn’t even started yet. Most of the plot is shit and smeyer wrote some horrible garbage, but I want more of this universe. Can some of y’all who are creative write the next book and not be racist or sexist? Thank you.

- Fuck this part of the soundtrack I’m literally going to cry.

- I can’t believe smeyer produced this movie. Who let her? 

- When Bella opens her eyes that shit makes me want to be a vampire @Carlise. 

- Her first instinct is to grab Edward’s arm I’m crying. They love each other so much and it’s so fucking pure. I hate how they look at each other. It makes me sick but it’s all I want.

- This is the most relaxed Edward has been in any of the movies.

- LITERALLY HOW COOL WOULD IT BE TO SEE A FLOWER BLOOM LIKE THAT?!?

- I WANNA JUMP OVER A DAMN WATERFALL

- I actually feel really bad for this deer and I wish they did eat mosquitos :(((((

- Edward’s so proud of her for her control. He loves her so much.

- OMG I FORGOT SHE SAVED THE DEER WE LOVE TO SEE IT SAVE THE  DEER BELLA

- aww fuck no now they’re gonna talk about the imprinting bullshit. I won’t even comment on this because y’all already know my thoughts. We hate it and we hate canon and smeyer is fucked up for what she wrote.

- Carlisle looking fine as fuck as usual, thank you. I don’t love the hairstyle here, but he’s still fire.

- Rosalie looks so happy and we love to see it. She deserves it.

- EMMETT AND ROSALIE ARE INSTIGATING THIS FIGHT AND AS FUCKE UP AS THIS STORYLINE IS I LIVE FOR THEM BOTH AND I LOVE IT LMAO

- THE WAY JACOB SAYS “OH” SENT ME THE FUCK LMAOOOOOO

- Emmett loves this fight and I love Emmett

- Damn Edward’s actually openly being turned on by something for once in his life

- The Loch Ness monster line isn’t that funny anymore tbh. I did not laugh.

- There was a lot of quivering.

- Bella literally said we’re gonna keep going for the rest of eternity. 

- Everyone knows when they get back. So far, Emmett is my favorite in this movie lmao. Even Carlisle who’s always sick of his kids’ shit cracked a smile.

- Poor Charlie. They’re about to tell him she died and they’re all moving.

- Jacob’s about to go tell his secret to Charlie and then shit gets lit. I remember this part now. 

- Taylor deserved an oscar for this scene. This movie might have been trash, but his conversation with Charlie deserved all the awards.

- “Jacob put your on clothes on” fucking SENT ME LMAOOOOO.

- Charlie’s so confused, poor man.

- Jacob straight up invited Charlie over with no warning while Bella was a newborn vampire lmao. 

- I LOVE ESME AND CARLISLE SO MUCH

- The way Carlisle opened the door and said “Hello Charlie” did something to me. I wish my name was Charlie.

- Charlie’s so happy to see Bella though. I’m happy Jake told him tbh. 

- Poor Charlie now he’s all upset because he saw Jacob turn into “a very large dog” and he’s concerned about what this means for Bella.

- She finally called Charlie dad and hugged him like she loved him.

- EDWARD TOLD CHARLIE THE TRUTH THAT RENEMEME WAS THEIR DAUGHTER HOLY SHIT I FORGOT

- Emmett really is my fave in this movie lmaoooo. 

- Everyone is laughing and smiling instead of being all depressed. We lov to see it. This is my favorite scene in any of the movies now. 

- When Bella said she was born to be a vampire, it would’ve been way more effective to start playing “Born to Die” by Lana Del Rey tbh.

- Irina’s about to go tattle-tale to the Volturi. Tbh I’d be pissed too after what those racist fucks did to Laurent. He wanted to join the Cullens and adopt their lifestyle. And by racist fucks, I mean smeyer and the writers of the screenplay.

- Aro is such a dramatic bitch.

- Carlisle could read me the damn phone book and I would listen.

- Honestly smeyer is fucked up the fuck up and I’m starting to think she nejoys writing about children losing their childhood. The immortal children storyline is one of the most fucked up parts of canon and we really need to expose it more. 

- Carlisle and Esme are so damn cute. 

- Uh-oh Sammy boy’s there. Jasper and Alice just bounced? I completely forgot about this.

- The fucking volvo.

- Okay SUPER BIG FUCKING PLOTHOLE HERE. So when they were in Alaska, Edward basically said Renememe had a beating heart so like, wouldn’t the Volturi be able to hear it? Wouldn’t that end the battle before it ever started? Smeyer really just wrote shit without thinking it through lmao.

- We hate to see all the cultural appropriation but we love Rami Malek.

- Senna and Zafrina are STUNNING and the fact that Smeyer wrote them as being anything else is a fucking crime.

- I don’t remember this Garrett hoe but I’ve seen a lot of memes about him so I think he’ll be my second fave in this movie next to Emmett. He’s high key a bitch though for treating people how he did.

- Yeah, I’m with Jacob on this one. The red-eyed bitches don’t need to be killing people. ALSO FUCK SMEYER’S RACIST SHIT AGAIN. MORE WOLVES DUE TO MORE BIOLOGICAL WARFARE THIS IS BULLSHIT SMEYER.

- Garrett really fell in love with this bitch Kate and said idc what you do to me, just do it.

- HOLY SHIT THE NEW WOLVES ARE KIDS KIDS. THEY’RE LIKE 6 OR 7. Y’ALL. WHAT THE EVERLIVING FUCK??? GOING BACK TO WHAT I SAID ABOUT THE IMMORTAL CHILDREN THING. THE POINT STILL STANDS.

- Vladimir and Stefan are EXACTLY the vampires I’ve been waiting on. OVERTHROW THIS MONARCHY OLD ASS SHIT AND FORM THE DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT. This scene made me like Carlisle slightly less, but in my headcanon he did want to overthrow the Volturi. I would still stare at him all day and listen to him read the phonebook. But he could’ve been a little more badass. It wouldn’t have hurt.

- Edward actually grew a pair and asked everyone to fight. 

- Is Aro’s hair different in this movie? It looks different and I kinda love it.

- I hate the Volturi and all of them for varying reasons, but I do love Aro’s dramatics.

- Emmett is living for Edward being shocked by Kate which is why, again, he is my fave in this movie lmao.

- Bella reading to Renememe is the sweetest moment in this movie and it deserves more love.

- “Yeah I just do it so much better.” This cocky bastard.

- FINALLY. HE ADMITS HE UNDERESTIMATES HER. THANK YOU HOE. 

- When Jake and Bella are laughing together it makes me smile. It’s so genuine.

- Sue knows what’s good. I can see it in her eyes lmao.

- Alice was smart af though for hiding that clue for Bella. 

- JENKS. That’s the dude’s name that makes the fake IDs.

- “Unusually well-preserved” that’s one way to put it lmao.

- This is so sad. Bella thinks she and Edward will die.

- LOOK AT ALL THOSE BENJIS SHE’S STUFFING INTO BACKPACKS@ BELLA PLEASE PAY OFF MY STUDENT LOAN DEBT 

- Alistair is such a bitch. Why is he even here?

- This little house looks so cozy for Christmas. This is all I want.

- I love the Clearwater family so much and they deserve nothing but our love and respect.

- I FUCKING LOVE GARRETT. “NAME ANY AMERICAN BATTLE I WAS THERE.” LMAOOOOO

- “No one does rebellion like the Irish.” I love this guy too lmao.

- DAMNNNNN 1500 years waiting on revenge?????? They really could’ve overturned the Volturi in favor of a democracy but Carlisle was too damn diplomatic. But he’s still my fave.

- They did Kristen’s eyebrows dirty in this movie.

- Garrett loves Kate so much and it’s so pure. 

- Emmett and Rosalie look so sweet.

- “THE REDCOATS ARE COMING” LMAOOOO I REALLY DO FUCKING LOVE GARRETT AN AWFUL LOT.

- Look @ the Volturi dramatic asses wearing cloaks and shit. Hoe. It’s the 2000s. Not the 1600s. Fix your shit. If a human saw you, you’d expose the secret you’re supposedly trying to keep.

- When Carlisle raised his voice though.

- BUT THIS IS THE BULLSHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT SMEYER PULLING. TALKING ABOUT HOW RENEMEME HAS A BEATING HEART. BITCH. THE VOLTURI WOULD’VE HEARD IT AND KNOWN. NONE OF THIS FUCKERY WAS EVER NECESSARY. SMEYER’S ASS IS MORE DRAMATIC THAN ARO, AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

- Bella tried to shield Edward but it wouldn’t stretch all the way to where he was :(((((

- I deadass would not let my child anywhere near Aro period. It would’ve been on sight at this point and the Volturi would’ve been cleared out for democracy.

- I wish Edward would just punch this hoe.

- OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT THE LAUGH THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT

- Jacob seems more concerned than Edward and Bella and that’s really a problem for me. Her parents should’ve torn Aro a new one and that’s on period.

- Bella’s protecting all of them. YAAASSS QUEEN. DEFEAT THESE BTICHES.

- Aro basically verified the headcanon that Gen Z would expose vampires lmaoooo.

- Alice and Jasper save the day.  

- CARLISLE FINALLY SNAPPED YAAAASSSS. BEAT THESE HOES ASSES.

- ESMEEEEEEEEEE

- SAM AND THE BOYS ARE READY TO FUCKIN FIGHT NOW TOO. NO ONE FUCKS WITH CARLISLE.

- This whole fight scene is intense but I already know that none of it really happened and it was all a vision so I’m kind of just tuning it out lmao. 

- Y’all weren’t playing. When they get Seth that shit really does hurt.

- Alright I’m over this. They’re dragging it out. I’m fast-forwarding lmao. 

- YEAH BITCH, BELLA WOULD GET YOUR ASS SO YOU BETTER STOP WHILE YOU CAN.

- OKAY LITERALLY ALSO FUCK THIS STORYLINE NOW I’M PISSED AGAIN I JUST REMEMBERED SMEYER IMPLIED THIS HOE WAS GONNA COME BACK AND FIGHT JACOB FOR RENEMEME WHEN SHE WAS LEGAL IDK IF IT’S IN THE MOVIE IF IT IS Y’ALL FINNA HEAR ABOUT IT AND OF COURSE HE’S INDIGENOUS TOO BECAUSE SMEYER’S GOTTA BE RACIST AS FUCK.

- BUT ANYWAY. Nahuel is actually cool af. Like most of smeyer’s characters, he deserved better.

- Good boy Aro, just walk the fuck away. 

- I really wish Carlisle would’ve just listened to Stefan and Vladimir and kicked the Volturi’s asses. 

- Everyone is so happy and in love. We love to see it. #simpasshoesfandom

- THIS SOUNDTRACK FUCKING SLAPS. THE CLOSING SONG BEFORE THE MEADOW/AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEADOW IS A JAM.

- Oh fuck here we go with the flashback. I’m gonna cry for sure. It really would’ve been better with Flightless Bird American Mouth though.

- Damn I’m actually crying. #simpasshoesfandom 

- She showed him all her thoughts and love for him I’m crying. 

- “NOBODY’S EVER LOVED ANYBODY AS MUCH AS I’VE EVER LOVED YOUUUUUUU”

- FOREVERRRRR 

- MY HEART

- THE END CREDITSSSSSS

Ummm. So I really thought I would hate this movie. It is mostly problematic as fuck. But some parts of it were good. Like it had funny moments and sad moments and simp moments and it was not awful. Content wise I rate it like a 3/10. Overall rating I give it like an 8/10. If smeyer’s fucked up shit didn’t get in the way of the movie, it could’ve been a 10/10. 

HOW THE PAGES OF THE BOOK OPEN TO REVEAL THE MAIN CHARACTERS’ NAMES I’M CRYING