#Simon: Pssh no way

[theplaytheroist]

For I Such Yearn Chapter 4: Such Time Pass

If Elizabeth learned anything from Mey-rin, that Ciel could change but refuse because of his revenge. Elizabeth does make sure to keep her distance towards Ciel, making sure she's isn't a threat to Sebastian. She is surprised Sebastian didn't do anything to her to make sure their relationship wouldn't happen, she assume Ciel order Sebastian to not do anything to her but it is unusual that Sebastian doesn't mind at her at all with Ciel.

"Now that I think about it...could it be Sebastian can have human emotions from Sebastien French Inquisition? Could it be?" Elizabeth ponders.

Elizabeth is at the library, with the book, translating everything French to English. It is such a daunting task yes but not like she has anything better to do.

"Yessh, I felt like it'll takes weeks to finish this" Elizabeth looks at the English translation she written so far.

Why is she translating French to English? Just for back up cause she knows Mey-rin needs it. She wouldn't be lying that she reads what Gregory Simon wrote. It seems more like biography/studies but to know the background what he did during the height of demonology is insane as it is.

"It seems like your translating the book" Francis appears. "Yeah I know, it's gonna take longer than I expected, I really want to finish this" Elizabeth shows determination. "Fine by me but I have to remind you to go to sleep okay?" Francis sternly stated. "Of course mother, I will" Elizabeth nodded quickly. "Alright, good luck with it" Francis leaves the library.

"Yessh Lizzy, I think there's a thing call being too much" Mey-rin appears on the window opening. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?" Elizabeth questioned. "I left a blood clone there, Sebastian wouldn't even notice" Mey-rin answered with a smirk. "How many demon magic abilities you have?" Elizabeth asked. "Ooof, it's a long list there Liz. I'll show it to you one day but for now I came by to tell you that Ciel's mood is gone now" Mey-rin answered. "Nice to know but I'm not going to visit today. I really want to finish this translation" Elizabeth mention. "Wouldn't Ciel notice?" Mey-rin mentions back. "Pssh, me being gone for week isn't bad thing. Besides anyway, Ciel wouldn't even notice it. He is so deep into his work, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't care honestly" Elizabeth chuckled. "I guess you right, looks like your taking my advice then" Mey-rin smiles. "Well, I have to right? You were like him, so I should be cautious about this" Elizabeth mentions. "Your right, trust me, Ciel will like you more if you respect his decision" Mey-rin stated. "Hopefully" Elizabeth looks at the book. "Well, I'm heading out, once you finish, I'll explain more of the truth to you" Mey-rin smirks. "Fine be me" Elizabeth nodded. "Good luck with the book! Tell me what you learn during it!" Mey-rin waves off.

Elizabeth is amazed that Mey-rin is willing to open up to her slowly, it's...something that she didn't expect at all. But for for now, it's time to write the book to English, no time wasting. Back to Mey-rin who disperse the Blood Clone and continue on with her chores as Sebastian appears.

"Something the matter Mr. Sebastian?" Mey-rin asked. "It seems like you tired Mey-rin, I've noticed" Sebastian answered. "Huh?! I'm alright Mr. Sebastian! Yes indeed sir! I can assure you!" Mey-rin responded quickly. "Are you sure? Your free to have a day off Mey-rin, it's not like you have to over work yourself" Sebastian express his concerns. "I appreciate it Mr. Sebastian but I'm fine, not to worry" Mey-rin saluted. "If you insist but I'll make sure to make you stop what your doing so you can rest" Sebastian firmly stated. "Yes sir!" Mey-rin nodded.

Mey-rin walks off to do her chores as Sebastian stares at her going away. He noticed how Mey-rin and Elizabeth are... different, not in a bad way of course. The girls seem to have a close bond which is nice but it does question him what's going on still. Sebastian heads the Young Master's Study Room where he is doing the documents for his work and being frustrated with it.

"Would you like a break my lord?" Sebastian asked. "I'll like that, these documents are annoying me right now, I'll like to have a snack please Sebastian" Ciel pinch his nose and waves him off. "Yes my lord" Sebastian bowed then left.

Ciel looks any mail that was given by Sebastian, he check anything interesting but no avail but usually, Elizabeth always send him letters time to time but he hasn't got any letters from Lizzy. He brush it off assuming she's busy which she doubt or she's doing something with her family. But it became a week with no contact of her, it bothers him now knowing Elizabeth didn't come and visit today.

"Here's is your snack sir, Nuts with Carmel and Tea" Sebastian appears placing on the table. "Thank you Sebastian" Ciel mutters as he deep into his thoughts. "Something on your mind my lord?" Sebastian asked. "It's just Elizabeth, she didn't send a letter to me from last week or this week. That's unusual" Ciel answered as he ponders. "Well, she was here yesterday just to talk to Mey-rin then left" Sebastian mention. "What?! Why you didn't tell me?!" Ciel reacted in shock. "Why would I? We came back from a mission, you were annoyed, frustrated and not in the mood. You'll probably yelled at her asking why she's here and she already is smart enough to know that once you come back, you straight up will yelled at her and she'll cried so, yeah no, I'm not letting her suffer because of you" Sebastian glared firecly at him.

Ciel stood slient, he knows that Sebastian is right and that something that Ciel now desperately want to fix. It's no wonder why Elizabeth didn't come this week, she assume Ciel's not in the mood, he curse himself for not at least sending a letter to Lizzy about him going on missions then come back and tell her ahead of time. Way to go oh smart fiancee!

"You have a point there...I'll be mindful of myself that I need to tell Lizzy ahead of time" Ciel nodded slowly. "Took you 3 years to figure out, you really lack common sense towards Lady Elizabeth my lord" Sebastian critiqued him.

Ciel wince at this, this is a first from Sebastian scolding at him for his actions but he knew always felt guilty after it, but never makes up for things for her. Note to self, put more effort towards you own fiancee asshole.

"I'm gonna send her a letter, make sure you send it in the post office" Ciel stated. "Yes my lord" Sebastian bows as he left the study room.

With Mey-rin hearing the entire thing from corner of the wall, the fact that Sebastian scolding at Ciel actions isn't something she expects. While she admits Ciel deserves it, he will learn true suffering one day but not now of course, way later. Back to Elizabeth who is taking a break from translating the book, she took some notes that interest her completely about Gregory Simon;

"Sébastien was always trouble maker when he was younger, despite his intelligence and skill, he use pranks to get attention. He rather get scolded then being ignore by the people."

The fact that people see him as monster than a human bothers Elizabeth completely.

"How did he endure...up to this point?" Elizabeth questions softly.

Elizabeth really wants to question Mey-rin more about this. But...will Mey-rin really be to tell more? It is a sensitive topic still so maybe another time when she's ready. She look at the goggles that Mey-rin gave her, it has some scratches here and there, a sign what she went through centuries ago.

"Lady Elizabeth! Dinner is ready!" Paula enters the door. "Huh? Oh, it's already night already?" Elizabeth reacted in shock. "Yes indeed, you must be very busy then Lady Elizabeth" Paula giggled. "Hehehe, yeah I did. Thank you for the reminder Paula" Elizabeth rubbed her head sheepishly.

After Dinner, Elizabeth heads to bed, resting and look at the book the English Translation besides it.

"Rest Elizabeth, rest. You have all day tomorrow, don't get tired and all. Just sleep" Elizabeth close her eyes.

Morning hits already as Elizabeth is already working on the translation, take some notes from it that Gregory noticed from Mey-rin and Sebastien relationships.

"Sebastien and Mey-rin rivalry has always been tense, I don't know why Mey-rin was so antagonistic towards Sebastien back then, I let happen because I know they care for each other. But Sebastien always gets yelled at for just appearing in front of Mey-rin or treating him like he's a pawn but he stood beside, takes it like it's nothing. I find their relationship so unhealthy and yet they stuck through"

"No different when I was with Ciel. Man, why did we endure it? Sebastien, if you are alive some how and somewhere, maybe we can fix each other issues" Elizabeth looks at Mey-rin's goggles.

"Hey Elizabeth! It seems like your making good progress on it!" Mey-rin appears on the open window. "Huh?! Yeah...I am. What brings you here?" Elizabeth questioned. "Well, I did say I'll answered some questions, so here I am" Mey-rin answered sitting down on the chair.

Where does Elizabeth begins? She has so many questions yet it's so scatter over the place but it hit her. How is it that her and Ciel was able to repeat the actions of Mey-rin and Sebastien?

"I have this question for moments now, how is it that me and Ciel actions got repeated by yours? Are we reincarnated by you two?" Elizabeth questioned. "No...it's pure a coincidence that you two are like us. If you two were reincarnated by us, Sebastian will able to sense your two souls and found out instantly that you two are threats and kill both of you off. I guess Fate controls the decision" Mey-rin answered. "What's with fate anyway? Why does fate needs to tell us what to do? We are free to do what we want right?" Elizabeth complains. "I agreed what you say but remember that fate if happens, you have every right to what path you choose" Mey-rin spoke words of wisdom.

Mey-rin has a point, humans have the free will to choose but still, not like people are control their fate, they let them be control by fate themselves and that itself is a curse.

"Your relationship with Sebastien right? You two have a tense rivalry. Why is that?" Elizabeth questioned. "Well, I did sorta have a God complex, because I have powers from the Apple of Eden and Juno so thinking Sebastien, a contract demon can't catch up to me but he did. I don't know how and why, but we always challenge against each other in battle, to see who's better. I was jealous that Sebastien could be one step ahead of me and I hated that. My head wasn't in the right place mind you, I always thinking of vengeance and getting stronger" Mey-rin explains.

Elizabeth wince at this, to hear that from Mey-rin is very...unsettling at times, but she did ask for it.

"The way of the Assassin right? What is you follow exactly?" Elizabeth asked. "We work in the dark to save the light, we are Assassin's" Mey-rin answered. "That's an interesting saying? It means you help people in the shadows without causing much attention right?" Elizabeth stated. "Yep, we also have another saying, "Nothing is true, everything is permitted", a quote I lived by" Mey-rin added. "That sounds very cynical" Elizabeth comments. "It would be for a doctrine, but it is merely an observation of the nature of reality" Mey-rin chuckled. "Nature of reality? Of what? Fate?" Elizabeth questioned. "No not really Elizabeth. To say that nothing is true, is to realize that the foundation of society are fragile and that we must be shepherds of own civilization. To say everything is permitted, is to understand that we are the architect of our own actions, and that we must live their consequences, whether glorious or tragic" Mey-rin informed in great detail. "Don't you regret living this life as an Assassin and Demonologist?" Elizabeth question. "How can I regret the only life I know" Mey-rin chuckled bitterly.

Elizabeth stood silent by this, knowing how much Mey-rin and Sebastien didn't have any other choice but this live this life but it sounds like...fate that chosen them.

"How can you say it's not fate? You have every life to leave it yet you stuck with it. You two may be a demon and a goddess, but you guys are still human, why do you keep forgetting that?" Elizabeth questioned. "Elizabeth...there at times I don't deserve to be humans, what makes you think I still have to learn how to be human?" Mey-rin answered. "I....guess your right. It's just that, being an Assassin and Demonologist are not different when it comes to fate, dictated to what your life has given and even if you escape, it's still gonna be a part of you" Elizabeth looks at Mey-rin's goggles and took it. "It is but we endure in the end, that what means to be human, at least to me" Mey-rin smiles to herself.

Elizabeth looks at the book again, determined to finish it and able to understand more about Mey-rin and Sebastien.

"Still determined to finish that book huh? You remind me so much of my brother, Sebastien. He is always so determined to be stronger, to better, to prove himself and I wish I gave him this advice before I lost him" Mey-rin stood up from the chair. "What was it?" Elizabeth looks at her. "Don't ever forget your endeavors, remember that how much you've grown or endure, remember that your still human, not matter what" Mey-rin smiles at Elizabeth.

Elizabeth felt something in her, looking at Mey-rin, feeling inspired what she wanted to be. To see that all ever happen to her at moment she spend time with Mey-rin, opens her eyes to world she has never seen.

"Oh shit, gotta go! Later Lizzy, good luck!" Mey-rin ran off the window.

Elizabeth looks at the goggles, she wore on her face, showing the acceptance of Mey-rin as person despite her past. Finishing what she left off in writing, she is determined to finish this week. Cue the week has pass Elizabeth smiles in pride, finishing the translation. She wrote the notes that are interesting so she'll keep them in mind to talk about it to Mey-rin.

"My hand is hurting me now, god" Elizabeth rubbed her hand. "It seems like you completed your quest" Francis appear. "Yeah I did Mother, all by myself" Elizabeth smiles. "That's great but I have letters for you. It's from Ciel" Francis gives it to her. "Oh...I didn't think he'll notice, he usually be drowning in work" Elizabeth took it and looks at it. "I can tell but why don't you give them a read? Maybe he felt a bit lonely not having you there" Francis smiles. "I...guess so" Elizabeth mutters. "Well anyway, get ready for these months, there's a Fencing Tournament coming up" Francis mention. "Oh yeah! It is! I'm gonna win this for England Mother!" Elizabeth put her fist in the air. "Well, do your best dear, it is very difficult there, especially France, the Soviet Union and Germany" Francis smirks. "Well, I gotta start training right way, there's no way I'm gonna lose this!" Elizabeth put her goggles up and down from above her head. "It's seems like your wearing the goggles that Mey-rin gave you" Francis noticed. "Huh? Oh yeah I am but it felt incomplete and I don't know what it is" Elizabeth ponders. "Well anyway, why don't rest, you can start next week. Read the letters that Ciel sent you" Francis left.

Elizabeth checks on the letters and open it. It seems from what she gather, he hopes Elizabeth will respond quickly as possible and hoping to spend time together during his breaks and weekends. Elizabeth doesn't want to believe because he said the same thing before went back to his ways. Not like she can blame him, it's very hard habit to break.

"I'll send him back when my hand gets better, he can wait, not like he'll remember anyway" Elizabeth toss the letters in the table.

"Hello, hello, hello! It seems like you finish it" Mey-rin appears sitting on the chair. "Yeah I did but my hand hurts right now" Elizabeth mention it. "Yeah I can tell, give me your hand" Mey-rin pointed at it.

Elizabeth lend out her hand as Mey-rin took it then put her left hand on top of it and heal it and Elizabeth felt no longer pain in her hand.

"Sweet! Now I can respond to him" Elizabeth took out a paper to write. "I overheard your entering the fencing tournament, your a badass right there" Mey-rin smirks. "Yeah well, fencing is in my blood, I remember Mother told me about Grandma Claudia during her years of fencing. She was mence when it comes to fencing that's for sure" Elizabeth smiles. "I actually know how to fence, it was like sword fighting as a practice to use a real sword" Mey-rin mention. "You do? How about we can spar against each other!" Elizabeth goes up to with bright up eyes. "Sure, I'll teach you some techniques from sword fighting that'll help you with fencing" Mey-rin nodded her head. "Great! I'm excited for this!" Elizabeth jumps in excitement. "Hold your horses, remember that my training methods are different then your Mothers, I suggest at least you ask your mother permission" Mey-rin mention. "Oh yeah right...of course" Elizabeth deflated. "Well, continue writing that letter to Ciel then tell your Mother. I'll like to get that book now please" Mey-rin points at it. "Oh yeah, here" Elizabeth gives it to her. "See you later Lizzy!" Mey-rin jumps off.

Elizabeth sits down writing the letter back to Ciel, telling him that she was busy with Fencing Lessons from her Mother for the up coming tournament and tried to visit him. Putting the address and seal, giving it to one of her servants and send it away. Currently with her, checking the notes that Elizabeth noticed from the book.

Sebastien Michaelis Birthday is January 21st, 1543

Mey-rin Birthday is January 30th, 1544

Sebastien and Mey-rin were the top of the class and carries the level 4 headband.

Master Gregory tend to favor more with Mey-rin then Sebastien in the beginning.

Sebastien always does missions to escape Saint Zacharias people.

Mey-rin always been praised by the people but not Sebastien.

Sebastien wanted to summon Satan to go back against the people who treated him wrongly.

There's more she wrote but it's interesting how much that information tells character about both of them.

"Yessh, both of them have issues that terrible. I'm surprised that they endure and handle it" Elizabeth comments.

"Elizabeth dear, how you feeling?" Francis asked. "I'm doing fine Mother. Is it okay I can ask you something though?" Elizabeth asked. "Sure what is it?" Francis asked. "I was wondering if it's okay I can train with Mey-rin on Fencing?" Elizabeth answered. "Training with Mey-rin? Hmmm...well, first off. Mey-rin has been coming to whenever your translating the book?" Francis questions.

Well shit, she should've think this through about that. She facepalm as Francis just chuckled about it, Elizabeth may be smart but there are times when she blurts out certain things without thinking.

"It's alright, if anything, just tell Mey-rin she can come in the front door and ask me about you. I'll talk to her about it" Francis smirks. "Yeah, yeah, thanks Mother. But how you calm about this?" Elizabeth questioned. "I knew Mey-rin was hired for a reason and that reason has to be something. But for now I'm not to worry, Mey-rin seems like a trustworthy person" Francis answered with smile. "Thanks Mother" Elizabeth smiles back. "Not a problem dear, I suggest you eat dinner then go to sleep, it seems like your more tired then usual" Francis noticed. "Yes Mother" Elizabeth nodded.

After dinner, cleaning up herself and went to bed, she looks up the ceiling, thinking about this week events. Something interesting with Mey-rin, Sebastien and Gregory Simon. With this new information, she felt closer to Mey-rin then she ever did and she is excited for more to come!

"Sebastien...I still believe your alive somehow, somewhere in Hell maybe. I don't know why I felt that way that your alive but I do...I just hope to see one day" Elizabeth falls asleep on the bed, finally earning her rest.

Chapter 4 is completed! Sorry for not showing Sebastian and Ciel today! Next chapter they will, promise! I hope it answers some questions you have from the last one and some character growth of Mey-rin and Elizabeth! Thank you guys for reading this chapter and see you in the next one!

[rk1kheadcanons]

Markus and Connor are secret dating b/c Connor doesn't wanna be out to the world yet. The Jericrew (-Connor) go drinking and Markus gets *drunk* and starts rambling about his boyf after he rebuffs an advance made by a lady at the bar super sappily, but no matter how hard the others press him, they just get "oh, his eyes are the color of warm chocolate..." answers as to who this boyf is

You would never know Markus was drunk.

He didn’t stutter or slur when he spoke, he didn’t sway or trip over his feet. He didn’t giggle goofily or speak overly loud. He was perfectly composed, as much the charismatic android sober as he was when he was intoxicated.

What he did do, however, was go on long monologues like a Shakespearian stage actor.

Which would be fine, if Markus’ favorite subject to wax poetic about wasn’t his mysterious boyfriend, whom he’d sworn not to reveal the identity of until they were ready. Which would also be fine, if that mysterious boyfriend wasn’t Connor, who was often sitting right next to him (and slowly but surely bluescreening his way into that big Windows XP wallpaper in the sky) as he sang and lathered compliment after compliment, steadily giving away clues that were so blatant that it was a miracle that no one had figured them out yet.

Markus never remembered what he’d done the next day, and whenever Connor mercilessly played back his memories, his poor lover was as embarrassed as he was apologetic. Connor could hardly begrudge him (frankly he didn’t know what sane person on this planet could ever begrudge Markus, but that was just Connor’s correct opinion). What could they even do about it? Should he demand Markus consciously control himself? It wasn’t like Connor was any better at it. Give the RK800 too many AMB’s (Adios Motherboards) and he would be on top of the nearest table and scream-singing his every professionally repressed emotion, regardless if it was a karaoke bar or not. Hence why he never imbibed more than he could handle when they were around their friends. The last thing he wanted to do was sloppily propose to Markus after a long and terrible rendition of K-Ci and JoJo.

And Connor wouldn’t dream of telling Markus to measure the contents of his drink like Connor did. Not when his breaks were so rare, and getting him to relax and let loose was like pulling teeth.

It was just in the cards that their big revelation as a couple would be in a random bar at 3AM, with Markus saying something along the lines of “my boyfriend’s name starts with a C and rhymes with Donner”, and Connor had made peace with that.

“Scarlet woman!” Markus cried, at some random bar at 3AM, surrounded by their drunken comrades. Ah, would this be the night? Connor thought, on the correct side of buzzed as he watched on from the table right next to them, a heady mix of dread and amusement running through his computer soul. “Jezebel! How d a r e you solicit my happily taken hand!”

The waitress, who looked like she regretted serving their table, let alone attempting to get the number from the happily taken hand, raised her hands in surrender. “Sorry, sorry,” she said peaceably and with the calm air of someone who dealt with drunks as a job choice, “just trying to shoot my shot, ya know?”

Markus nodded at her magnanimously, because he was a kind and forgiving man even as a drunken buffoon. “Fret not. I pardon you of this most heinous slight, for if you knew the one to own my heart, you would understand that no other could compare.”

“Sure thing dude,” she said goodnaturedly, packing up and replacing drinks around their tables expertly, and parting with a “have a good night Romeo.”

“But who can no other compare to? WHOMST??” asked North, throwing her torso onto the table and looking up at Markus pleadingly.

“We’ve ruled out Jerry #451, Claudia, Baris from accounting, and Jerry #36,” Simon rattled off. He was looking down at a napkin that he had scribbled the names of all of their potential suspects. “I’ve got it. It’s Baris.”

North rolled her eyes. “We already said it wasn’t Baris.”

“Ohhh. Right, right.” Simon nodded his head and continued to not cross off the names of the people they had decided against, as he had been doing all night.

“How about you describe them a little?” Josh put in, reasonable, and therefore slightly less wasted than everyone else. “Hair color? Height? Eyes? Something?”

“Nay, I must not speak thusly!” Markus declared, back of his hand over his forehead and everything. “For if I were to tread down that forbidden road, I would surely not be able to stop myself from breaking our sacred oath of secrecy!”

“Oh my goOOOOOOOd I hate this fucking oaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaath,” North threw her head back and cried to heavens, which, considering her positon, was probably going to be hell on her neck come morning. “Come on! Break your oath! Be like Thor and wield oathbreaker goddamnit!”

“You might be thinking of Stormbreaker,” Connor added, the need to try and reason with alcoholics apparently embedded in his programming.

North narrowed her eyes at him, or rather his torso, since her chin was very resolutely still resting on the table. “If you think I’m thinking right now then you are drunker than I am.”

Connor lifted his barely touched glass to her in a toast because how dare she be lucid enough to clap back so quickly. A well deserved rebuttal fucking cheers.

“Glasses!” Josh exclaimed, snapping his fingers. “Do they wear glasses? That should narrow down some people.”

“That’s right! That’ll tell us if they’re an android or not. Androids don’t wear glasses! Our eyes are like...fucking...better and shit!”

“Unless….” Simon narrowed his eyes, pausing dramatically. “....they do.”

North gasped. Josh put his hands on either side of face, muttering; “holy fucking shit he’s right.”

Markus scoffed. “Their eyes do not hide behind paltry spectacles! His beautiful orbs, so soft and caring when his gaze lands upon my person, seeing into my very soul, are the warmest chocolate brown!”

‘Ah shit here we go,’ Connor thought, wishing not for the first time that he could just down his drink and join everyone else in blissful, idiotic cavorting. The soft, melodic piano and crooning words of All My Life playing over the speaker stayed his hand. Best not take any chances

“HE!” Simon burst out, tipping over in his chair. “He say he! Them is He!”

“Are we talkin’ Hershey’s or Dove?”

“Ghirardelli you fucking plebs!”

“Oi!” North banged her hand on the table so hard it left a handprint indented in the wood. It was one amongst many however, and not all of them left by their party. Such was the price for serving android drinks at a human bar - you either shelled out for sturdier furniture or the dents and chips became a charming aspect of your décor. “Don’t get spicy with us Sir Lancelot!”

“Apologies fair maiden,” Markus responded easily. He took her hand delicately and made a sweeping bow over it. “Alas, my passions got away from me.” He dropped her hand and whirled around, coat billowing with the movement and most assuredly by accident, placing both hands to his thirium pump. “Conjuring up the magnificent images that is the love of my life oft times sends my emotions into a tizzy! His hair; cloud like in my grasp as I run my fingers threw earthen chestnut tendrils - ”

‘Hhhhhhhhhhhhn so many adjectives Markus whyyyyyyyyyy,’ Connor wheezed internally. He didn’t bother trying to keep down his blush. Markus was nowhere near done laying on the compliments and he’d be subjecting himself to an endless loop of canceling the process. Besides, he could just blame it on the alcohol. Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol - wait no. What!? WHAT. Connor looked down at his drink and saw, to his mounting horror, that the glass was emptier than it had been a few minutes ago. Goddamn his automated rest mode cycle for transforming into fidgeting whenever he was nervous! He resolutely pushed the glass out of his immediate reach.

Nines, who was quietly sitting next to him, hunched over and taking notes on his own napkin, snapped his head up to attention when the glass brushed against his arm. His younger brother was looking from Connor to Markus, eyes narrowed suspiciously as Markus carried on. Connor didn’t like that look at all. It was always a risk inviting Nines to their little outings, the only thing Connor could bank on was Nines passing out - as his dear little bro was a notorious light weight - before his deductive skills could pierce through his drunken haze. Apparently Nines had chosen tonight of all nights, where Markus had never been more obvious about their relationship, to bloody pace himself.

If he could, Connor would be sweating bullets.

“ - a wit SO SHARP!!” Markus declared, foot now planted on his chair and shaking his fist to the ceiling as if it had insulted one of Carl’s paintings, “that neither an UNDEAD HOARD nor a POLITICIAN’S EGO could survive it’s precision strike!!”

“Brown hair, brown eyes, banger body, smarty pants, good at analyzing shit, likes animals” North listed off, holding a hand up and ticking a finger down. “Well that rules out all the Jerrys; they’re all redheads and they’re pretty aggressive about it - except for Jerry #86. Is your man-squeeze Jerry #86?”

“No no no last I heard Jerry #86 is dating Hatsume Miku’s bodyguard; Android Lucy Lawless.” said Simon.

“Tch. Lucky,” pouted North.

“Oh wow, she really kept that name huh?” Josh said, voice faint with wonder and disbelief. “That’s such a mouthful.”

“And who are you to question a Queen!?” snapped North.

“Huzzah and many blessings to the fortuitous couple!” Markus cheered, toasting a stein of frothy blue intoxication that looked as cartoonish as it did poisonous to the sky, knocking it back in several impressive gulps and slamming it back on the table. “BUT NEITHER OF THEM CAN COMPARE TO THE BEAUTY AND GRACE THAT IS MY LOVE!!” he boomed, louder and more British by the second. “WHO’S CURIOSITY AND INTELLECT A CHERISHED BOON TO I, BUT A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION TO HIS ENEMIES - !”

North slapped her hand on the table several times, the proverbial light bulb lighting up in her eyes - oh. No not proverbial. There was currently little lightbulb emojis pictured in her pupils. Yet another drunken download added to the bill. Connor was glad he’d drawn the long straw on ‘irresponsible buying duty’ tonight. No doubt there would be a lot of strange receipts to sort through in the morning. “Oh! I know I know! It’s Josh!”

So startled by this declaration/accusation, Josh jumped in his seat. “What!?”

“Brown hair, brown eyes, hot, obnoxious, smart - everything FITS!”

“...he didn’t say obnoxious,” Josh muttered, then physically shook sanity back into himself. “It can’t be me. I think I’d know if I was dating Markus!”

Simon leaned in closer towards Josh, arm on the table, determination in his mien. “But what if…” Without breaking eye contact with his friend, he smoothly cracked open his Thirium berry blast bahama mama banana punch wine cooler, and proceeded to pour it just two centimeters off from his glass, all over the table. “You don’t know.”

Josh was shook in the face of this evidence. North narrowed her eyes so hard that they were just closed at this point. “Highly suspicious.”

“No. Nooooo. No? No! Of course I’m not. Right Markus?”

Markus steepled his fingers together and cackled in a way that most people would find concerning, but Connor just found it adorable. He would saving that in his memory banks. “I’ll never tell~,” he sing songed.

“H i g h l y s u s p i c i o u s.”

“I know who it is,” Nines suddenly said, calm but with such confidence that he was easily heard amidst the ruckus. He had his elbows planted on the table, chin resting upon his entwined fingers. Steele grey eyes swept over the now quiet group, everyone waiting with baited breath.

“Grant us your wisdom ‘o soothsayer,” Markus whispered, eyes wide with anticipation and literally perched on the edge of his seat. Connor seriously measured the pros and cons of just throwing his portion of the tab on the table and yeeting himself out of the window.

“It’s Sixty.”

Immediately the room erupted into scoffs and hisses of disbelief. North gave him a thumbs down and cupped her hand to her mouth, letting a long, “Booooo!”

“Why are you booing me I’m right!”

“BoooOOooOOOOOoooooo!” Markus, Josh and Simon joined in.

Connor blinked, and suddenly felt all of his concerns about Nines’ being the lynch pin in solving this mystery evaporate. If Markus transformed into a C grade Shakespeare impersonator when drunk, and Connor subconsciously wanted to be recruited by America’s Got Talent, then Nines became a consummate dumbass.

“That’s it!” North exploded. “Ten dollars says it’s Jerry #92! I caught him in a wig once!” She stood up, her chair sliding back from the force, and slammed a note on the table.

Simon also stood up with equal intensity. “Twenty says it’s Josh!” He reached into his pocket and slammed its contents onto the table. When he removed his hand six lego pieces, a My Little Pony leg, and two actual diamonds were revealed. Connor hoped dearly that the bartender cut Simon off soon.

“It’s not me!” Josh said exasperated. He paused, then pointedly pulled out some money and threw it in the pot as well. “I put forty on Brenden.”

“Bull! Shit!” North declared. “Fitness guru Brenden!? No way!”

“He fits the criteria.”

“I doubt ‘How To Tell If An Android Has Welded on Parts from China vs Russia in their Selfies’ videos on his YouTube channel is the kind analysis Markus was talking about.”

“You don’t know that! He didn’t specify...”

As the two continued to argue, with Simon chiming in with some non sequitur, and Nines tutting about these ‘ignorant fools and their blindness to the evidence presented’, Connor looked over to Markus. He was quiet. He had his elbow perched precariously on the edge of the table, his cheek resting on his fist, a small hat (that was not there literally two minutes ago) was on his head, folded from one of the bar napkins.

And he was looking at Connor as if he hung the moon and stars.

‘How could the world not already know,’ Connor thought, soft and warm inside, happy merely to be in his line of sight, ‘When he looks at me like that?’

Connor picked up his glass and lifted it. “One hundred dollars on Sixty.”

Chaos erupted. Nines threw his arms up and hooted like he’d won the super bowl. Josh tried to explain to him how that was mathematically impossible. North shook her head and warned him that he would live on the streets with an answer like that. Simon pulled out a Yu-Gi-Oh! Card and said he would give him this Charizard if he agreed with him that Josh was Markus’ secret boyfriend. Connor withheld himself from trying to convince drunk people that this was not how betting worked.

Maybe Connor shouldn’t worry so much about their relationship being discovered after all. At this rate, no one would know about he and Markus being together until the wedding invites.

[nightwingshero]

OC Interview

I was tagged by the amazing @simonxriley thank you, hun!!! I’m going to do Emma, since I did Wren last time! She’s my favorite sarcastic asshole. 

Name?

Emma, but my friends call me “Em”. 

Are you single?

Nope. I’m married to John MacTavish. 

Are you happy?

Uhm, yeah? What kind of question is that? Are you happy?

Are you angry?

Not really, but this is starting to feel more like a therapy session than an interview.

Are your parents still married?

Yes, they’re happily married. 

Nine Facts:

Birthplace: Boston, MA

Hair color: Black

Eye color: Grey

Birth date: April 6th, 1988

Mood: A bit bored and kinda amused. I just don’t understand some of these questions. 

Gender: Female

Summer or winter: Winter. I grew up in Georgia, it’s hot all the damn time. 

Morning or afternoon: That’s your question? Okay, morning. Runs are better in the morning and I drink coffee with my husband. 

Eight Things About Your Love Life:

Are you in love?

Absolutely. 

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hell no. Look, you can be attracted to someone, but how do you love someone you don’t even know? You ever see that Frozen movie?

Who ended your last relationship?

I did. I thought I was doing the right thing, even though it honestly wasn’t. We worked past it. 

Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Yep, a few times, actually. 

Are you afraid of commitment?

....dude, I’m...I’m married. I have a hard time trusting, but I don’t have a commitment issue. I can just be a hard person to get to know....I think that’s obvious now. 

Have you hugged someone in the last week?

Yes. 

Have you ever had a secret admirer?

Pssh, I don’t know. I guess if I did, it would’ve been a big secret, because I definitely didn’t know about it. 

Have you ever broken your own heart?

I have, yes.

Six Choices:

Love or Lust: Love. 

Lemonade or Iced Tea: Tea, all the way. My mom makes the best sweet tea in Georgia, I swear. 

Cats or Dogs: Dogs. I love my German shepherd, Athena. 

A few Best friends or Regular Friends: Few best friends. I don’t like people a whole lot, I don’t really trust them, and I just don’t have time for that. I’m perfectly content in the circle I have. 

Wild night out or romantic night in: I don’t going out for drinks with the guys. Watching Price out drink everyone is a lot of fun. But I like my nights in, too. 

Day or night: How is this different than the question you asked earlier? Are you doing a survey? I guess it depends on the situation. But I guess night? I don’t know. 

Have you ever been caught sneaking out?

Oh god, yes. 

Ever fallen down/up the stairs?

I’ve tripped going up the stairs a couple of times. 

Ever wanted someone/something so badly it hurt?

Only once.

Ever wanted to disappear?

I mean, there was a time in my life, sure. 

Four Preferences:

Smile or eyes: Smile

Shorter or taller: Definitely taller

Intelligence or Attraction: My husband has both. So...both. 

Hookup or Relationship: Relationship. 

Do you and your family get along? Yes, my family is very close.

Would you say you have a messed-up life? I had a pretty good childhood. I mean, if I’m going to be honest, the military isn’t exactly a fun way of life. So, yeah, I’ve had some messed-up moments in my adult life that’s mostly career related. 

Have you ever run away from home? Nope, never felt a reason to. See, these are good questions. 

Have you ever got kicked out? Nope! I got along with my parents. Except that time my mom tried to get me to join a beauty pageant. Hard pass.  

Friends:

Do you secretly hate one of your friends?

I’m not exactly subtle, as you now know. If I hated one of my friends, there would be no secret about it. But no, I don’t. I love my friends. 

Do you consider all of your friends, good friends?

I do, because I’m super picky about who I have in my circle.

Who is your best friend?

Gary Sanderson, Ashton, and Simon Riley. And John, of course. 

Who knows everything about you?

John, my husband. That little Scottish asshole knows me better than I know myself some days. I love him to death for it. 

Tagging: @xbaebsae @johnsrevelation @thatpinkthot @finefeatheredgamer @saltntheair @bioshocking @seedlingsinner and whoever hasn’t done this yet! 

[mccoys-killer-queen]

@axelandriab​ thank you so much for tagging me in this bc seeing brand new questions I’ve never answered before is like a breath of fresh air

Do you prefer writing in black or blue pen? black

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city? I think about this often and I always used to say city but I’m feeling more country now

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be? guitar... please... if not that then I’d like to speak German fluently...

Do you drink tea/ coffee with sugar? nope (unless you count honey as sugar for tea, then yes)

What was you favourite book as a child? I honestly don’t remember reading books/having books read to me but it was probably Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown

Do you prefer baths or showers? I haven’t taken a bath in a good 6 years so I forget what it feels like (I don’t fit in my bathtub anymore... I’m too long) so I gotta say showers by default

If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? either some sort of fairy, nymph, or shapeshifter 

Paper or electronic books? Paper

What is your favourite item of clothing? my denim jacket with all my patches on it

Do you like your name? nope :3) I think Rachel is a very boring, generic, uncreative White Girl name and if I ever get famous (which ain’t gonna happen) I’d totally go by a pen/stage name

Who is a mentor to you? pssh just any of my Rock and Roll Dads (i.e. Joe Elliott, Brian May, Kevin Cronin, Nikki Sixx, etc), I feel like They guide me somehow

Would you like to be famous? famous for something good? Yes. I’m such an extrovert like 60% of the time and I love oversharing and sometimes feel like I’d be good at handling fame. Plus honestly I don’t feel like I’ll be able to survive long in life unless I somehow get famous bc let’s face it I’m never gonna have a “real career” or be satisfied with any job or be able to make a living by constantly working (but then again I don’t have any talent that can make me famous either oops)

Are you a restless sleeper? yeah more often than never :3)

Do you consider yourself a romantic person? aesthetically romantic, sometimes, but I identify as aro. Romance irl just feels wrong, like it doesn’t mix well with me, like when you put a certain metal in water and it explodes

Which element best represents you? Earth? Either earth or water

Who do you want to be closer to? “My favourite musicians ;(” <<stealing this too :c just all the Leppard bois pls

Do you miss someone at the moment? Nope

Tell us about an early childhood memory? I had a computer class in kindergarten, and I remember on the very first day of it, the teacher taught us what a floppy disc was when introducing us to all the parts of a computer. This was in 2006, and I still have yet to use one.

What is the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten? Probably chicken and waffle pringles, but dipped in chili (GOOD)

What are you most thankful for? the money I have in the bank (even tho I try not to touch it), my driver’s license, not having a job right now, my therapist, my music, my hamster, being surrounded by green

Have you ever met anyone famous? Yes, Rick Ray of Sunshine Allen :3 that’s it :’3

Do you keep a diary or journal? Nope, even tho my therapist told me that journaling my thoughts is a big help, I kinda don’t wanna go back to doing that

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil? Pen bc it flows easier

What is your star sign? Pisces

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? Crunchy all the way, soggy cereal is a HUGE pet peeve of mine

What would you want your legacy to be? someone who was very interesting and did a lot of things

Do you like reading? What was the last book you read? honestly, reading is overrated. Even if the book is good, reading isn’t as hyped up as everyone on this site thinks it is. I do like reading sometimes, but I barely do. I read a lot in high school bc I had so much free time on my hands in class, but outside of school I can’t do it. The last book I read was a reread of The Princess Bride by William Goldman

How do you show someone you love them? *Lisa Simpson staring at plate* ??? Error 405??

Do you like ice in your drinks? yeah but not a lot. Maybe just one or two cubes to keep it cold but not to dilute it a lot

What are you afraid of? being stuck where I am forever, never escaping my family, never finding my path in life, whatever the hell is wrong with my mentality getting worse and impacting my life in a huge way, any health related problems, I could go on :3)

What is your favourite scent? Old Spice

Do you address older people by their name or surname? ...what exactly is this question asking? Depends on how casual I am with them/how well I know them

If money was not a factor, how would your life be different? I would NOT be living here that’s for damn sure :3) I would’ve been to so many different places by now and maybe I’d actually have a real life and actually BE an interesting person

Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools, bc the ocean is too salty and choppy and doesn’t smell as good as chlorine imo

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground? “I’d pick it up, and if I saw the person who dropped it, I’d give it back to them” << true but then if i couldn’t find them then I’d probably go buy some records with it and put the change aside into my Concert Fund

What is one thing you’d want to teach your children? honestly I don’t think I’m ever gonna have kids, but I’d want them to understand that gender roles don’t exist, and neither do the opinions of society

If you had to get a tattoo right now, what and where would it be? ...I’m actually getting a tattoo next week... it’s going to be on the side of my right shoulder, a silhouette of a pine tree with an outline of a crescent moon above it

What can you hear now? The sound of the fridge runnin in the room behind me, my mom getting something out of a drawer

Where do you feel the safest? in my bedroom

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? whatever’s fucked up in my head like anxiety and trauma, etc

If you could travel back to any era in time, what would it be? if I had to travel back anywhere and stay there for the rest of my life, I’d probably go back 1979 to see the dawn of the 80s and live through them. If I had to go for a day then I’d probably pick the summer of 1988 or something

What is your most used emoji? probably 🤙

Describe yourself using one word? tough

What do you regret most? not going to see Def Leppard and Journey when they were less than an hour away 2 years ago. Yes, I couldn’t drive back then, so there was really no way I could’ve gotten there and back (and I could’ve BARELY gotten a floor ticket to begin with, it would’ve cost like half the money I had to my name), but with the Stadium Tour being delayed ANOTHER year I feel like 2 years ago was the only chance I’ll ever have had to see my favorite band :c so even though it was basically impossible for me to go, and a lot of the factors of that were out of my control, I still feel like I blew it, and wish I tried literally everything I possibly could’ve done (like just buy the ticket and figure out how to get there later, call everyone I could think of to try and hitch a ride). Even if I did so, there was still a VERY, VERY slim chance that I could’ve ended up going by some goddamned MIRACLE okay I’ll shut up now sorry I’m just still very upset even so much time later

Last movie you saw? in theaters? Rocketman last summer. In general? Uhhhhh I really don’t know, I think it was Love, Simon

Last TV show you watched? on tv? Rick and Morty. In general? I was watching The Young Ones on youtube today

Invent a word and it’s meaning? Scress (we actually made this up like 2 years ago)- it’s a game where you play chess on a Scrabble board while also playing Scrabble

[maskydoo-old]

Gas Gas Gas

Way back when I was a wee little private in basic training, I had a few gripes. Ok. A lot of gripes.

Griping is just what soldiers do – it’s our favorite pastime. What else are we going to do, actually read the Army manuals? What for?

To learn the words the Army Song? Pssh! Like I’ll ever need to know that!

Training is hard. It’s supposed to be. So embrace the suck. If it was easy, everyone could do it.

It wasn’t all bad. I genuinely had a lot of good times in the army, even in basic training. Sometimes the training was fun, and found things I was surprisingly good at.

I knew it would be hard, but I was young and invincible and I could do anything. 

So I was ready for the shouting, the challenges, the pushups – all that. Bring it on.

But the gas. The gas.

The recruiters never said anything about tear gas.

Just forgot to mention that one, did you SSG Nett. Left that one out of the recruitment brochure. Join the Army, set your lungs on fire.

The gas was the absolute worst experience, in basic, in the Army, and probably in my entire life.

Not so tough anymore when the gas hits.

I don’t care what a big, strong, stoic soldier you are. Doesn’t matter. You’re gunna cry, GI Joe.

Zero out of ten. Would not breathe CS gas again.

CS gas, that’s … this.

(text: orto-chlorobenzylidene-malononitrile /  2-chlorobenzalmalononitrile )

The drill sergeants never called it by these names. They always just called it CS. Probably they assumed we wouldn’t be able to pronounce these words. Well HA! Jokes on them. I’ve been practicing, and-

They’re right.

CS gas is a riot control agent. A tear gas. And, according to the internet, it’s really an aerosolized powder.

The more you know.

Imma keep calling gas anyway.

If you’ve never been exposed to tear gas, maybe you think all it does is irritate people’s eyes a bit and make them cry, like someone managed to weaponize the feeling of chopping onions.  

I mean yeah, the gas will do that, but it’s so, so much worse.

Day whatever of basic,

I don’t know, it all blurs together,

Aint like I kept a diary like some kind of pioneer on the Oregon trail, days away from dying of dysentery.

The drill sergeants issued us all these enormous green pouches. Inside, some ancient gas masks that look like they’re in even worse shape than my rifle, which by the way was held together with wire where a takedown pin should have been.

The upper and lower receivers were not on speaking terms. Rattled like a… well, a rattle.

And like my rifle, we were taught to take masks apart and put them back together. Some are missing pieces.

Like my rifle.

Drill Sergeant: “GAS! GAS! GAS!”

This is the command to put you mask on.

Drill Sergeant: “Gas! Gas! Gas!”

Pretty straight forward as far as commands go. Nothing left to interpretation there.

Also, there’s gesture signal. Shoulder touching. Like this. Looks goofy.

We drilled putting on those masks quick, because when their air is poison, you’d better be fast or you’re going to have a bad time.

Speaking of bad times, next we ran laps. You do a lot of running in basic, and it’s death. I hate running even on a good day. I can do pushups all day long, but cardio can pound sand. Running laps with a facehugger doesn’t improve the experience.   

The purpose of this is to prove that yes, you can in fact breathe in these things, so just quit whinging and do it, Drill Sergeants have no time for your claustrophobia nonsense.

That wasn’t a problem for me. The heat was. Running laps in Missouri, in the summer heat, with my face covered material designed specifically NOT to let air flow.

Well the good news is you don’t have worry about breathing poison if you can drown yourself in your own sweat first.

All of this was in preparation for the gas chamber.

The gas chamber was a tiny one-room building full of that nasty CS gas that we would all have to spend some time in, as a required part of training in the US military. Why?

To instill confidence in your equipment to protect you, we’re told.

Yeah… about that…

(gas mask falls apart)

We get marched into the woods, to this run down looking shack, where we would get locked in.

This sounds like a setup for a horror movie.

The room is already filled with gas. They make sure it’s nice and thick before they send us in. When we were lined up outside, masks on, I could already smell pepper. Trying to clear my mask was not working.

Not feeling super confident in my equipment right now.

So we file in, and to prove to us that our masks can protect us from the gas, what do they do?

They have us take our masks off. Immediately.

What?! How are our masks supposed to protect us if we just take them off as soon as we’re inside? I don’t know. Training people to remove their masks and just stand around when exposed to gas doesn’t seem like a great idea…

You can’t hold it forever, eventually, you have to breathe. And holy heck that is some SPICY air!

I’ve been told that CS gas works by reacting to your mucous membranes, which I basically just took this to mean anything moist will burn.

This is when I became literally painfully aware of what it means to be a lifeform made mostly of water. I regretted every drop.

Just a scratching in your throat at first, makes you cough. Then it burns. Your throat. Your nostrils. Your eyes.

Now you’re crying. Not so tough now, are ya? The tears fall and the trail burns down your face.

All your exposed skin burns more as you sweat – and if you weren’t sweating before, you are now.

Your mouth burns. Down your lungs. It even reaches your stomach. You realize a lot more of your body was exposed to the outside environment than you’re comfortable thinking of that way. And it’s all on fire.

You hack, you cough, you gasp, you cry, you snot, you drool, you puke. You’re not pretty.

Did you know CS gas use in war is prohibited by the Chemical Weapons Convention? We literally wouldn’t use this stuff on our enemies.

The trick to making the gas chamber not so bad is to remain calm, but that’s difficult to do when you feel like you’re actually melting.

Your bodys like WTF?! Alert! Alert!

Your sympathetic nervous system kicks in – you freak out. Your heart races, your breathing quickens – or tries to, and you sweat more, all of it makes the reaction so much worse.

30 seconds in, I thought I was gunna die. A minute in, I wished I would.

I think we were there for at least five. It could have been ten. Felt like an eternity. Like a preview of hell.

We weren’t allowed to leave or put our masks back on. So there we are, just choking and coughing for as long as it amused the drill sergeant.

And he was in no hurry. He was in full MOP gear, and presumably his mask was one that actually worked.

The Drill Sergeant is completely indifferent to everyone’s suffering. He walked up and down the line holding a plate to shove at everyone, like a pusher church user with a collection plate. But you couldn’t pay this guy not to waft some fresh-ly made, concentrated CS directly at your face.

But we’re not left to our misery, no. The Drill Sergeant has tasks for us.

He was doing everything he could to make the reaction as bad as possible. He wanted us breathing hard, getting our heart rates up, and sweating. And Drill Sergeants know just how to do that.

Pushups, cardio, shouting.  All things the Army loves. All things that require breathing.

But the worst was yet to come.

Y’all, I made a huge mistake not reading the entire Army manual. The task we had to complete, without making a mistake, in order to escape this horrible room was to scream-sing the Army Song.

I didn’t know the words. No one knew the full song. At most, a few of us knew some parts of it – but no one bothered to memorize the whole thing. And the Drill Sergenat was not about to help us at all.

It took us all soooo many agonizing tries to get it right. But enough of us knew enough bits and pieces to eventually piece it all together, after many, many tries.

All: “First to fight for the right… (trails off)

One Private: “And to build the nation’s might!”

Drill Sergeant: “Start again!”

All (wheeze) “March along sing our song *cough cough*

Drill Sergeant: “Louder! Start over!”

All: (Anguished wail)

This singing portion went on for a long time, and not because it was music to anyone’s ears. The patriotic tune as covered by the wails of the damned wasn’t going to make top 40, but there’s no accounting for schadenfreude for the drill sergeant. He seemed entertained.

And… as much as I hated his guts in that moment…. I get it. I totally get it.

If there was a version of American Idol, like, insane edition, where contestants had to sing their hearts out while Simon Cowell pepper sprayed them in the face…

I’d watch that.

I did not know the Army Song going in, but I sure as heck knew it by heart by the time we left.

It turns out you can learn pretty fast when it feels like your life depends on it. Still, doubt,  gas chambers will catch on as a study aid.

Teacher: “What’s the quadratic equation?”

Students: “

Side note: The Army Song doesn’t hold a candle to the Marine Corps Song. Yeah, I’m a traitor and I don’t care. Don’t at me.

So remind me again, what was supposed to be the purpose this training? Between all this singing, exercising, and not mask wearing, I forgot.

“To instill confidence in our equipment.” You know, the equipment we were not using in the one exact situation it was designed for. What does screaming the Army Song and working out in a gas chamber, puking my lungs out, demonstrate about a mask that we are not even wearing?

----

(Cut to an airplane)

Skydiving instructor: “Alright everyone, I want you all to feel confident in your equipment to protect you. So today you’re all jumping… without your parachutes.”

Jumper: Uh… it’s Ok, I trust the parachute.

Skydiving instructor: (Tosses someone) “Out you go.”

I think the methodology of this experiment is flawed, the test doesn’t do anything to support your conclusion.

I think the real reason they didn’t let us wear the masks at all was just keep us from realizing these old things have been used for every basic training company to come through probably since Nam and really don���t work.

I’m sure the newer ones fielded to the real army work just fine, but no one is shelling out that kind of dough for a bunch of newbie kids in basic. We just get the hand-me-downs..

We take them off so we don’t get the change to lose confidence in our gear.

That, or it’s just plain hazing.

Probably both.

Finally it was time to leave. We were half blind but could see daylight enough to rush for it. And if we’re not careful, rush right into a drill sergeant waiting in ambush, just standing there evidently in hopes of a collision as an excuse to shout at us some more.

In other places, I’m told this drill sergeant is a replaced by a sturdy pole, there for no other reason than to be in the way.

By the time we finally leave, we’re a mess. We’re crying, we’ve got drool and snot hanging down our faces all the way to the ground, which we’re not allowed to wipe away. We have to keep our heads down while flapping our arms to air out our uniforms, while hacking and coughing and puking all the way out.

We looked like ostriches with a plague.

And you’ll get to have that look remembered forever. There was a sneaky photographer dude I’d sometimes see following the company around, taking shots for the class yearbook and… I guess Army publicity.

He won’t get that sweet action shot of you scaling a wall, or crawling under some razor wire on the night assault course, or when you stab a dummy right in the chest with your bayonette, looking like a total bad one.

But he’ll totally make sure to capture your ugly-crying gross booger face for your siblings to laugh at when your family buy your class yearbook on graduation you’re your grandma will frame the photo and hang it on the wall, telling proudly telling everyone in her book club “that’s my granddaughter.”

And your teachers will use it to threaten their students with “This is the face of someone who didn’t complete their homework on time. This could be you if you don’t get your grades up. Get a scholarship or you’re joining the military.”

Ah yes, this is the face I want to show the world. That dangling snot rope really brings out the agony in my eyes. Gunna put that right on my Tinder profile. Yep.

(If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.)

Wikipedia suggests several methods for treating victims of CS gas exposure. Our post exposure treatment was - nothing.

Yeah. We got nothing. Just sat around in a field and waited for the effects to wear off and for life to suck slightly less.

And that’s the funny thing about it. Just a short while before, I was having probably the worst 5 minutes of my life up that point, but as soon as it was done, it was done. I felt fine.

Actually, I felt a little better than I did that morning, and not just out of a new appreciation for fresh air.

Stick 60 people from all over the country in one sleeping bay, in an environment where no matter how hard you try hygiene is never great, and then there’s that donkeyface who stands behind me in formation coughing directly at the back of my head, and sicknesses tend to get around.

Me: “Cough in my hair one more time, and I will jam this patrol cap right down your throat to feed back you your own germs.“

I don’t think many people make it through the first weeks of basic without catching some kind of bug.

One lady in our platoon even managed to catch a staph infection, like, the first week. I dunno how. Eventually, she got sent home, and I got to take her rifle, which wasn’t much better than my original one, but at least was not held together by a bit of bent wire.

Anyway, if there’s anything good that can be said for CS, it really works wonders to clear the sinuses. I was breathing better after the gas chamber than before I went in. Everything that was stuffing me up was gone.

Gotta find that silver lining somewhere.

And in this case it’s a snot lining, and you’ll find it coating the gas chamber floor.   

Me: (reading my own script.) “Ew.”

-Infomercial-

Sinus congestion got you feeling down? Don’t have time to wait around for normal medicine to kick in?

Not to worry, the US Military has the solution for you! Formally declare war on enemy boogies with CS gas! 9 out of 10 riot control teams agree, CS is the number 1 choice to make all your troubles panic and scatter in terror. Just pop one CS gas capsule and it works instantly, scientifically proven to make the sniffles the least of your problems.

Mission accomplished!”

Side-effects include:

Burning sensation in eyes, skin, mouth, and internal organs, coughing, wheezing, watery eyes, difficulty breathing, difficulty speaking, sweating, thoughts of revenge against your recruiter, elevated heartrate, snot rockets, drooling absolutely everywhere, vomiting, making this face, secondary gassing of yourself and others later when puff of CS come off your clothing, pain – like - lots of it, and regret.

Harness the power of chemical weapons today! Ask your doctor is CS gas is right for you and your entire neighborhood!

Not approved by the Geneva conventions.

[thelighthousemp3]

secretly you love this (do you ever wanna go free)

prompt from @ginaqueenetti on tumblr: Rosa is Gina’s bodyguard after she gets a life threat

read on ao3

                ...........................................................................................

    “Diaz. My office,” Captain Holt says midway into their work day. Rosa looks up from her desk and sees him retreat into his office. She shuts her case file and stands up.

     “Oooh,” Jake says curiously. “What did you do, Diaz?”

     Rosa shrugs and walks across the bullpen to Holt’s office. She shuts the door behind her, per Holt’s instructions, and glances around his office. The blinds are folded shut, and Gina Linetti sits on the couch playing a game on her phone. “What’s going on?” Rosa asks. “If this is about the double homicide, then I’m already working on it.”

     “This is not about the double homicide, Diaz,” Captain Holt says. He is sitting down at his desk, slightly leaning back in his chair. “This is something far more, well, personal.”

     Rosa frowns. “We’re not talking about my personal life here,” she says. Gina looks up from her game.

     “No, dummy. This is more personal towards me,” she says, putting her phone down in her lap. Rosa questioningly raises an eyebrow, looking from Gina to Captain Holt. Captain Holt sighs.

     “Recently, due to Gina’s “internet fame,” there has been a problem that has risen,” Captain Holt starts, putting the words ‘internet fame’ in quotations. “Gina has been receiving threats on her life.”

     Rosa raises an eyebrow skeptically.

     “Say it like it’s more interesting, Captain!” Gina says loudly from her couch across the office. “I’m getting death threats, Rosa, death threats!”

     “And due to this, I am assigning a member of the squad to ensure Gina’s safety at all times. She has personally requested you, Detective Diaz,” Captain Holt says, ignoring Gina.

     “Someone’s trying to KILL me, Captain. Rosa, they’re gonna KILL me,” Gina says while taking a selfie. Rosa stares at Gina.

     “Are we sure that this is really real?” she asks, not wanting to have to baby Gina for the rest of who knows how long.

     “After conducting my own investigation, I have concluded that the threats have grown more personal, and Gina may actually be in danger,” Captain Holt says, leaning forward.

     Rosa puts her hands in her jacket pockets. “Really. And Gina wants me to be her security?”

     “Of course!” Gina trills. “My personal bodyguard. Seriously, Rosa, you’re badass and scary. No one’s gonna lay a finger on my as long as you’re around,” she says, yawning.

     “Fine. Whatever. So, do I just, like, escort her home or whatever?” Rosa asks.

     “Actually,” Captain Holt says, lifting his eyebrows, “we’ve arranged a safe house for the two of you to stay in overnight as we track down whoever is making these threats against Gina,” he informs her. Rosa sighs deeply as Gina lifts her head from whatever she is doing on her phone.

     “Try Kanye,” Gina calls. “He, for some reason, didn’t like my twitter layout. It’s probably him.”

     Rosa and Captain Holt both slightly roll their eyes and shake their heads.

     “You are up for this, Detective Diaz, right?” Captain Holt asks, slightly raising an eyebrow.

     “Whatever,” Rosa gives in. “As long as this is over soon.”

    “Great!” Gina says, standing up cheerfully. “Bodyguard effective immediately. Come on, Rosa, I gotta go make myself some coffee and you gotta make sure that no one tried to murder me on the way,” she says, walking towards the door of Holt’s office.

    “Is it gonna be like this forever,” Rosa mutters in Captain Holt’s direction before turning and following Gina out of the office.

    For the next few hours, Gina delightfully drags Rosa along with her wherever she goes. Rosa is constantly answering calls of, “Rosa, I’m going into the break room! Check if there’s a serial killer hiding underneath the bumper pool table!” or “Rosa, walk me to the deli so I can get a sandwich,” and “Rosa! Can you see if there’s a murderer hiding in one of the bathroom stalls?” to which Rosa tells Gina to just use Babylon.

    The rest of the squad is having the best time watching this debacle. They start placing bets on when Rosa will crack. “I’d give it a week,” Amy says.

    “No, that’s crazy! I’d say that she’s gonna break before the end of today,” Charles says, putting a twenty in the money pile they currently have going on in the break room.

    “Pssh,” Jake says. “I’ve known Rosa longer than all of you. If she really has to go to that safe house with Gina overnight, then she’s gonna crack by morning. I’ve had a lot of sleepovers with Gina,” he explains, dumping a wad of ones in the money pile.

    “C’mon, man! You gotta put in more that that,” Amy says, frowning at Jake’s crumpled money. Jake shrugs and pulls out a five dollar bill which is ripped at one edge.

    “Guys, what if Rosa doesn’t get annoyed by Gina? What if they fall in love instead?” Terry says, lifting his shoulders. Everyone laughs. “Seriously, guys! It’s possible! Rosa and Gina have so much chemistry!” Terry protests.

    “Yeah, right, Sarge. That’s like me boning Amy,” Jake says. “Ridiculous and not ever gonna happen.”

    “Agreed,” Amy says, wrinkling her nose. “Also, title of your sex tape.”

    “You never know! You two might just end up falling in love!” Charles exclaims, his eyes shining. Amy and Jake both gag.

    Meanwhile, Rosa is accompanying Gina to the safe house. “Don’t you wanna go grab some clothes or something first?” Gina asks.

    Rosa shrugs. “I keep a bag in my car,” she says. Gina shrugs, and sits down in the passenger’s seat of Rosa’s car.

    “You know, it would be cooler if you brought your motorcycle,” Gina says thoughtfully. “That would’ve been so much fun.”

    “You really want to get yourself killed, don’t you Linetti,” Rosa says, starting the car. Gina seems to think about this.

    “You know, it depends. Maybe if my murderer was like a really cool celebrity who was jealous of me or something. Or maybe if my murder story got onto like Buzzfeed Unsolved or something like that. That would be so neat,” Gina says. “And I could come back down and haunt people!”

    “Ghosts aren’t real, Gina,” Rosa says, backing out of the precinct’s parking garage.

    “That’s what you think,” Gina laughs. Rosa rolls her eyes and continues driving in silence. About halfway there, Gina flips on the radio on full volume, but Rosa quickly turns it off. 

        “What are you doing!” she hisses. “The whole purpose of this is to not attract attention. If this whole thing is real, which I highly doubt it is, your life could really be in danger!”

    “Aw, it’s so sweet that you care, Rosa,” Gina smiles. Rosa’s cheeks slightly redden. (With anger, is what she tells herself as she feels the heat rushing to her face.)

    The safe house is small. There are two bedrooms, a bathroom, a small kitchen, and couch with a TV in front of it. Gina starts making herself comfortable on the couch as Rosa surveys the security of the place. “Can’t believe I’m trapped with you,” she groans.

    “You want first dibs on a room?” Gina asks, flipping through the TV channels.

    “Whatever,” Rosa shrugs. She tosses her bag of clothes into one of the rooms. “Why can’t we just have stayed at your place?”

    “Because the killer would probably know where I live!” Gina says. “And here we all thought you were a detective, Rosa.”

    Rosa rolls her eyes. “Shut up,” she mutters. Gina laughs. “So, you gonna take your stuff to the other room?” Rosa asks.

    “What? Rosa, you have to be there with me at all times! What if the murderer comes and tries to kill me in the middle of the night!? When I’m all alone?” Gina asks, her eyes wide as she watches America’s Got Talent on the TV in front of her.

    “Oh my god, Gina. I’m not gonna sleep in the same bed as you for the next week,” Rosa says. Heat threatens to rush to her face again, and Rosa does her best to manage a neutral expression.

    “You have to protect me, Rosa!” Gina says as Simon Cowell presses the golden buzzer on-screen.

    “Whatever,” Rosa says, heading to the tiny kitchen to pour herself a glass of water. She gulps it down, spilling some down her front.

    They get Chinese takeout for dinner that night and eat quietly in front of the TV. Gina disappears for a few minutes in the bathroom and emerges wearing a unicorn onesie. When Rosa goes to the bathroom, she comes out with her hair damp, wearing a tank top and sweatpants. She steps out of the bathroom to see Gina sitting on the floor and playing a game on the floor.

    Rosa frowns. “What are you doing?”

    “I’m tired, Rosa. And I’m scared,” she says, standing up and pulling Rosa by the hand to her room. Gina snuggles under the covers as Rosa sits on a chair across the room, pretending to watch her sleep.

    “Am I all safe?” Gina asks sleepily. Rosa flashes her a thumbs up from across the room and mindlessly scrolls through the news on her phone. After about an hour, she makes sure that Gina is fast asleep and then leaves the room, retiring to the other bed in the safe house.

    The next morning, Rosa awakes early, getting ready for work. She goes into Gina’s room and shakes her awake “Come on, Gina! Wake up,” she says.

    “No,” Gina mutters though sleep. “If Taylor wants a selfie with me, she can come and get it herself.”

    “Work, Gina. We have to go to work,” Rosa says, tugging Gina’s blanket.

    “Work, work, work, work, work. You tell Rihanna the same thing,” Gina says, turning over and burying her face in the pillows. Rosa slightly rolls her eyes and pulls Gina upright by the arm.

    An hour later, they are both at the precinct. Rosa is enjoying the peace and quiet at her own desk, when Captain Holt calls her to his office again.

    “Detective Diaz, concerning the, ah, Gina situation, I think that we may have a lead on who is threatening her life,” he says, pushing a file across his desk towards her. Rosa takes the file gingerly and opens it to see a couple of suspects. “Talk to Gina. Ask her about these suspects, and then report back to me,” he says. Rosa nods and leaves Holt’s office with the file.

    “Nope. Never seen them before,” Gina says when Rosa shows her the file. Rosa sighs and refrains from punching the wall as she takes the file back to Holt.

    “I think she’s gonna drive me insane, sir,” Rosa complains as she drops the file on his desk. “Last night, I had to sit in a chair wait until she was asleep. This morning, there was glitter in my cereal.”

    “This situation may not be ideal, Diaz, but Gina is scared. Do you know why she chose you as her protecting officer? Because you’re tough, but also because you care, Diaz. She knows that she is safe when you are around,” Captain Holt says, looking Rosa straight in the eye. “So please, Detective, try to make the best of the situation.”

    As Rosa and Captain Holt are having this conversation, the rest of the squad minus Gina is gathered in the break room.

    “I can’t believe Rosa hasn’t lost it yet,” Charles says in disbelief. “Once, we went on a stakeout together and she almost kicked me off of the roof in less than five minutes.”

    “I told you,” Amy says triumphantly. “I’m definitely gonna win this bet.”

    Jake rolls his eyes at Amy. “Yeah, right, Santiago. You may have won your fifth grade spelling bee, but you’re not gonna win the ‘who knows Rosa better’ game,” he says.

    “Or all of you lose and Terry wins because Rosa and Gina finally realize their feelings for each other,” Terry suggests, grinning.

    “Dream on, Sarge,” Amy says, leaving the break room to return to her case.

    That evening, Rosa and Gina head back to the safe house together. Gina immediately curls up on the couch in front of the TV with her wolf blanket (“How did that even get here!” Rosa asks with disbelief) and a smoothie.

    Rosa busies herself in the kitchen, throwing some instant mac and cheese into a pot and sitting down at the small table to look over Gina’s case. There is a string of tweets tweeted from the same user, all threatening Gina. The IP address shows an unknown location in Brooklyn. Other than that, Rosa doesn’t know where to begin with Gina’s case. She abandons the file on the kitchen table as she joins Gina on the couch with their dinner.

    A while later, Rosa is sitting in the same chair as the night before, in Gina’s room. She is waiting for Gina to fall asleep so that she can go and sleep comfortably in the other room, but Rosa finds herself drifting off to sleep in the chair.

    A loud crash and the sound of shattering glass jolts her awake. She quickly glances at the time, and it is well past midnight. Rosa leaps up and hits the light switch. A gunshot rings out, and Gina screams.

    Rosa jumps forward and punches the man who is standing in the room in the middle of all of the broken glass and the fallen curtain. She knocks him to the ground, kicking the gun out of his hand. It skids underneath Gina’s bed.

    Rosa looks at the man’s face. She recognizes him, from one of the pictures of the suspects in Gina’s case. He tries to fight Rosa, but she punches him again and pins him down to the floor.

    Rosa’s mind is racing a million miles an hour. She isn’t sure if Gina was shot or not. Thinking about what to do, Rosa prepares to knock the man out when she hears Gina’s voice.

    “Captain! Get the Nine-Nine here, because a guy just broke into our safe house and tried to kill me! And it wasn’t Kanye!” Gina says frantically into the phone.

    “Gina! Are you okay!” Rosa says.

    “Yeah!” Gina confirms, and Rosa sighs with relief. “He missed me!”

    “Good,” Rosa murmurs. Within a few minutes, the squad is at the safe house, and the man who had tried to kill Gina is taken into custody. The Nine-Nine looks tired but alert at the same time. Rosa looks up at everyone. Amy’s hair is all mussed up. Jake is wearing pajama pants. Charles is wearing shorts, which is kind of a disturbing sight. Captain Holt and Terry are in full gear, surveying the room.

    “Everyone okay?” Terry asks.

    “Yeah,” Rosa says.

    “Okay. You and Gina don’t have to stay at the safe house anymore,” Terry says. “I mean, unless you guys want to,” he adds, discreetly winking.

    “Actually, I’d like to have a moment alone. With Gina,” Rosa mutters. The squad files out of the room.

    “Will you two be all right?” Captain Holt asks.

    “Yeah. You can head on out,” Rosa says.

    Captain Holt heads towards the room, turning back for a moment. “Detective Diaz? Thank you,” he says simply, and leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.

    Rosa sighs and turns to Gina. “This room is a mess,” she mutters. Gina crawls over the edge of the bed and wraps Rosa up into a warm hug.

    “Thank you for saving my life,” she says into Rosa’s shoulder.

    Rosa hugs her back. “Well, I don’t know what I’d do without you. There would be no one to throw shine everywhere at the Nine-Nine,” she murmurs.

    “See, you love me, Rosa. I knew it.”

    “Whatever. So, this is all over. You wanna go home?” Rosa says, pulling away from the warmth of Gina’s onesie.

    “Yeah. That’s a good idea. But only if you come with me, Rosie. Keep me safe,” Gina offers. Rosa shrugs.

    “Fine.”

    An hour later, Gina and Rosa are cuddled up together at Gina’s apartment. Rosa wraps her arms around Gina, pulling her close. Gina looks up at Rosa and kisses her on the cheek. Rosa blushes a little bit before leaning in and kissing Gina full on the lips.

    “You know, you’re not such a pain,” she murmurs.

    “I could say the same for you,” Gina whispers.

    Yes, Terry had won the Nine-Nine’s little bet after all.

[malecsecretsanta]

Merry Christmas, @killjoyrow!

Flipped Upside Down

Alec still couldn’t believe that he had allowed Izzy to talk him into going to her boss’s holiday party as her “plus one”.

She worked for one of New York’s biggest fashion houses, coming up the ranks, and now found herself at the side of the one and only Magnus Bane, her boss and her mentor.

Alec had heard nothing but great things about this Mr. Bane, and if he hadn’t known his sister as well as he did he would have thought she had developed a major crush on the man.  But Izzy was always the utmost professional when it came to anything relating to her career.  She commanded and demanded respect and would not allow something trivial to mess that up for herself.   Plus, Alec highly doubted her fiancé Simon would appreciate her crushing on her boss.

He can’t help but roll his eyes at the thought of Simon.  He couldn’t figure out what his sister saw in him, but Simon made her happy so Alec figured he could cut the guy a little slack; high emphasis on the ‘little’.   Izzy had told him he’d have a great time, that Magnus always threw the best parties, and that she and Simon would be there with him the entire time.  So, Alec had assumed they’d just chat amongst themselves, Izzy would introduce him to some of her co-workers, and they’d let loose a little and end up tipsy by the end of the evening.

He should have figured things wouldn’t turn out like he’d imagined though, because things never turned out how he’d imagined they would.  No, instead he found himself alone, drink in hand, standing off to the side watching as the other guests conversed amongst themselves and continued getting drunk together. Alec had no idea where his sister was, but he swore when he met up with her later she’d hear an ear full.

The tiny buzz he had felt slowly beginning to build in him had diminished very quickly, so he was very sober and looking down at his drink with a slight frown.

Yes, Isabelle would definitely be getting an ear full tonight.

“Now that face is far too pretty to be marred by something as heinous as a frown.”

Confused Alec looked up, and he felt his breath catch sharply in his throat.

The man standing in front of him could only be described as otherworldly.  His hair was styled up in soft looking spikes, a soft looking Mohawk of sorts.  The tips were dyed in a shimmery blue color.  He wore silver eyeliner and a metallic looking blue eye shadow that somehow managed to accentuate the man’s already beautiful deep brown eyes.  His bronzed skin looked smooth and sun kissed, and Alec had to stop himself from reaching out to touch it to see if it felt as smooth as it looked.  The man’s outfit left very little to the imagination, he had on a black laced shirt that was basically see-through which revealed that the man definitely took care of his body if his bulked up arms and his abs were any indication.  The tight leather black pants he wore fit snug in all the right places, and his spiked metallic boots set everything off.  He looked breathtaking.

“Like what you see?”

Alec looked up quickly again with wide eyes, having been unaware he had starred unabashedly at the gentleman.

“Wow, I—I am so sorry.  You probably think I’m a creep.”

“Pssh…” The man said waving a hand that was adorned with multiple rings, and Alec realized he was also wearing a metal chain on his pants and necklaces around his neck.

“No need to apologize, I dress like this to express myself, one of my many ways of doing so, and if I happen to catch the eye of a pretty face…Well I definitely am not complaining.”

The man’s words gave Alec a bit of relief and made him blush furiously.  The guy also had no problem openly looking Alec up and down, and giving him an appreciative smile in return.

Alec swallowed hard, lifting his drink to his lips, only to have it plucked from his fingers. The mystery man had moved up to him quickly, invading his space, grinning at him wickedly.

“No need to suffer through a drink you don’t like, here try this one.”

He had reached over to the refreshment table they were standing by and picked up two cups filled with some kind of pink colored concoction.  His eyes were bright and a small smile formed on his lips as he turned back towards Alec; the man swayed a bit and invaded Alec’s space even more than he’d already had.

Alec couldn’t look away from the man as he took the cup offered to him, and he tasted the neon looking liquid.

Alec was overcome with a fit of coughing.  The drink was strong, like incredibly strong.  It burned his mouth immediately, and his throat seemed to seize up on its own.

The man looked to be a mix of amused and slightly alarmed.  He took Alec’s drink, and patted his back a bit and then ran it soothingly in circles as Alec regained his composition.

“Not much of drinker I take it?” The man asked with a grin.

“Uh yeah…” Alec choked out with a laugh. “Not really, no.” “Well, you should have told me.” The man spoke softly, getting closer, his hand resting on Alec’s forearm.  “I aim to please, and I enjoy making those around me comfortable.  It’s definitely my pleasure to do so.”

Alec’s eyes widen at the suggestive tone and smirk on the other man’s face, but before he could properly respond he heard Isabelle call his name. “Alec!  Alec what in god’s name are you doing?” She looked furious, her hands resting on her hips.

“Magnus?” She asked confused upon noticing the other man.  Her eyebrows went up and a look of disbelief formed on her face. “Isabelle, darling so nice to finally run into you tonight.” The man (Magnus?) said stepping forward.  He took her hand in his and kissed it, grinning at her mischievously. She couldn’t help but roll her eyes.  Isabelle focused back on Alec, she narrowed her eyes and backed him up against the wall. “What is god’s name doing are you doing?” She asked again.

Alec was confused and overwhelmed by everything that had happened in the last few minutes, he could only glance between his sister and Magnus.   Isabelle looked back at Magnus and then to her brother again.

“Were you flirting with my boss?”

“What?!” Alec managed to get out, his face heating up.  “No, no I—I mean…Of course not.”

“My dear sweet Isabelle,” Magnus cut in, moving in close to her side.  “We were just having a friendly chat.  We hadn’t even exchanged names, and how do you two know each other by the way?” He asked curiously.

Shaking her head and smirking Isabelle turned to her boss.  “This oversized pain in the ass happens to be my older brother, Alec.”

Magnus turned his attention back to Alec, a bright look on his face.

“Alec?  That’s short for Alexander isn’t it?”

“Um, yeah, but—“

“But he hates it when people call him that.” His sister pipes in with a smile.

“Alexander it is then.” Magnus said, making Isabelle laugh.  “It was a pleasure making your acquaintance.”

Alec couldn’t help but think that his world was about to get flipped upside down.

[amazingviralinfo]

The world of imagines fiction is making the leap from digital to print with a new book from Wattpad, in partnership with Gallery Books. Imagines: Celebrity Encounters Starring You, out this month, is an anthology of second-person tales where the reader can insert him or herself into an adventure with their favorite star.

Imagines have been popular for some time with the teen writer set. In 2012 the practice was widespread on Twitter, with #imagine taking the form of 140-character storytelling. Eventually tales got more details, moving to other social platforms before finding a longform opportunity on Wattpad, the social storytelling platform home to everything from fanfiction to original prose.

Imagine situations can range from the mundane of a quiet date with our favorite popstar, to an adventure in a world where selfies have been outlawed and Kim Kardashian is a freedom fighter in need of your help. The anthology features 33 Wattpad writers, including Anna Todd whose story After became a published book and is in film development.

In advance of the books publication, Wattpad has shared an exclusive excerpt from one of the imagines: Kevin Fannings story, Taking Selfies and Overthrowing the Patriarchy with Kim Kardashian. If she cant save us, no one can.

LATER, THE LAST CRABBY CUSTOMER has finally wandered out of the store, your team members are gone, the store is locked up, and you are alone in the storeroom, finishing up some inventory work your manager gave you. You are rushing to get everything put away in its proper place when you hear a voice coming from somewhere back past the shelves of printers. You look at the rows and rows of towering metal shelves, each packed tightly and chaotically with different boxes and bins of consumer electronics. You peer into the place where the storeroom recedes into shadows. Um, hello? you call. There definitely should not be anyone here. Youre probably imagining it. You go back to sorting boxes of SD cards. Then you hear another noise. A box being slid along a shelf. And humming? Maybe? So you are definitely not imagining it. You start walking, stepping quietly toward the back in your standard-issue black sneakers. It does occur to you to wonder why you care so much whether theres someone else in the store with you. Honestly, you should probably run in the other direction; the company doesnt pay you enough to risk your life for consumer electronics. But after that interaction with your boss . . . ugh. One more thing and you are definitely going to get fired, and then youll have to tell your boyfriend, and hell look at you all pitiably because you know he thinks its dumb you work at Best Buy, anyway. And it is, maybe! But also you suspect that he imagines this life where youre married and you dont have to work, you get to just stay home and take care of his babies, and what if getting fired was the trigger that shot the bullet of the rest of your life coming at you? These are things you think you want? Maybe? But having this job is a way of having more time to think about it. Not that you think about it. You actively do not think about it. But getting murdered in the storeroom of the Best Buy in the next five minutes would definitely prevent that decision from getting made. It would solve a lot of problems, actually. You wouldnt have to work this job anymore. You wouldnt have to wonder whether the feelings you think you feel for your boyfriend are real or not. You wouldnt have to feel insane for wanting things you cant even name. You get to the back of the storeroom, and its totally empty and dead and quiet. So great, another sign that youre completely insane. And maybe your boyfriend was right; maybe meds would be a good idea. Its time to get out of here. Time to go home and crawl into bed with your probably already-asleep-and-snoring boyfriend, and lie there unable to fall asleep, and then move to the couch and watch that TV show you always watch, about the man who experiences difficulty but it causes him to learn something about the world and also about himself. So you turn around to leave, and standing there in the shadows in front of you is a dark, hooded figure. You shriek in surprise and the gure reaches out, plaintively, saying, Sorry! I didnt mean to scare you! Bible. Well, you did, though! you say, trying to catch your breath. The figure steps forward into the light, and you recognize her as the woman from earlier, in the store. Hey, what the heck, you say. What are you doing here? Youre not supposed to be back here. Pssh, Im not supposed to be anywhere, the woman says. I need to talk to you, but we have to hurry. We have three minutes before mall security does a sweep of this area. She pulls back her hood and reveals the glossiest, sleekest bun you have ever seen in your life. Then she removes her sunglasses and looks at you, smiling. Its Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian is standing in front of you, exuding pure radiance and perfection in the messy, dusty storeroom of the after-hours Best Buy. You are confident youre about to faint as she starts walking toward you. Im Kim, she says. And I really need your help. Text copyright 2016 by Kevin Fanning. Published by Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Printed with permission of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Whew, well, were hooked.

Kurdishstruggle/Flickr (CC-BY 2.0) Eva Rinaldi/Flickr (CC BY SA 2.0) | Remix by Jason Reed