#So I figured I might as well post it since I can’t find the energy to post anything else :P

[identifying-cars-in-posts]

A long overdue update:

Hi everyone. Long time no see. I literally have not opened Tumblr since the last time I posted here. Hope everyone is doing ok. Figured I owed y’all an apology and explanation for kinda just vanishing.

First, I did in fact get a car! It’s a 2015 Nissan Versa Note. I don’t particularly like it but a friend gave me a deal on it that I couldn’t turn down. Once my life stabilizes I’m probably going to sell it and buy an old truck, maybe a 70s Ford. I’d love a little sports car or a land yacht but rear wheel drive is a bit impractical for brutal New England winters, and the Jeep really put me in Old American Truck Mode. But yes I have a car now!

Second, unfortunately this is an official notice of hiatus. When I last posted saying I was taking some time off it was because I had just had an incredibly stressful move and did not have the energy to keep this blog up. I figured I’d take some time to get settled in, relax, and then pick this back up after a week or two, but the last month has been really rough - the short version is one of the people I was living with turned out to be a pretty horrendous human being who managed to get everybody living in the house essentially kicked out via sheer drama. Within a month and a half. It’s a long story but tl:dr if you quite literally slander a property manager with heavy unfounded accusations of horrible crimes, they’ll probably bail from the whole situation. And since they’re gone the landlord has to hand ownership of everything over to a company that’s forcing everyone still here to vacate. I’m now fighting to not have to live in aforementioned Nissan Versa through the aforementioned brutal New England winter. On top of that, I’m a retail manager so we’re going into our busiest most stressful season, so that’s been an extra level of exhaustion.

So what does that mean for this blog? Well, as I said, I’m officially going on indefinite hiatus, as are the projects I was working on in relation, including the reference website. I’m really sorry, I’m just way too stressed and dealing with way too much. If I could, I would just hand off administrative power to someone else, but this is a sideblog so I can’t hand off login credentials without also giving access to my main/personal account. It’s my biggest regret of this account, but when I started it I never expected it to blow up the way it did back in September - I had no reason to expect to need it to be its own entirely separate blog. I love what I was doing here and I thought that it might even be a nice distraction from everything going on, but the upkeep required with this blog is just more than I can deal with right now. I hope that things settle down soon and that I can genuinely come back here and enjoy what I was doing, but I just need literally anything to level out in my real life and to not be in 100% survival mode, because at the moment I literally do not have the energy to pour into this.

Anyway. Sorry for the long post, I’m not good at not being overly verbose. I’m really sorry for kind of abandoning this project, and I hope I can get back to it relatively soon, it just might be a while.

In the mean time, I hope those of y’all who I turned onto cars as a potential hobby find some other good outlets! I highly recommend Donut Media’s series “Up to Speed” on YouTube, as well as the channels Regular Car Reviews, Doug DeMuro, Garbage Time, and Aging Wheels. All great YouTube channels that are both informative and very approachable and fun.

Godspeed and much love. Hope to see y’all soon

- Identifying Cars in Posts admin ❤️

[farfaras]

First part to this prompt I posted the other day. This is gonna be eventual steddie (sorry, stonathan) and I’m really excited. Title from the song ‘nonsense’ by Sabrina Carpenter.

I think I got an ex but I forgot him

Part 1. (You’re here)

Part 2.

-

If he heard the words: Robin and in love, in the same sentence, with the melodious voice of one Dustin Henderson, one more time. Steve was sure he was gonna lose it.

Listen, he understands where he’s coming from. The kid just wants him to be happy. But he is! Dustin just doesn’t seem to get that. Happiness doesn’t only come in the form of a relationship. His teenage brain can’t comprehend that fact just yet. He wishes he did though, because he’s absolutely insufferable about getting Steve and Robin together.

No excuse or explanation he gives is good enough. Dustin still insists that he needs to try, that this is his chance at true love. Robin is kind of the love of his life, sure, but the platonic love of his life. His best friend, his soulmate, sister from another mister. All that jazz. Dustin doesn’t buy it though.

And Steve’s tried everything! He even told Dustin about that time in starcourt when they were high off his asses. Told him that he confessed his crush to Robin but that she rejected him, and that they were best friends now and nothing else. He obviously left out the part where Robin came out to him. He’s never gonna reveal Robin’s secret to anyone. The only answer he got was that “It doesn’t even matter now! Things could’ve changed! You never know.” Steve knew. He knew that he would never be into his best friend like that, and she would never be into him. Apparently they were the only ones who knew that.

Because of all the fuss Dustin was constantly making, other people started giving their input. Thanks Dustin. They didn’t get it either, didn’t believe they were just Platonic with a capital P. They made sure they knew it too, the whole party, Nancy, Jonathan, Eddie. Not Argyle, he said that the energy between Steve and Robin was intense but completely friendly, almost like they were twins. Steve liked Argyle. Of course he had to be miles away.

Most of their friends dropped the subject after the second time Steve or Robin explained the nature of their relationship. Even if they weren’t convinced, they didn’t push. Except for one person. Yep. Dustin.

Who was currently harassing Steve at his job. He didn’t know what else to tell him. If family video wasn’t empty he would just ignore him to do his job but there was nothing to do. He couldn’t even sweep or anything because everything was already done.

“Okay well! There must be a good reason why you guys haven’t gotten together!” Dustin exclaimed. He is so fucking stubborn.

“I already told you, Henderson. We’re. Just. Friends.” He knew it wasn’t gonna do anything. It was just a routine at this point.

Dustin’s expression changed to determination. “Nuh uh. There’s a reason there. And I’m gonna find out!” Shit. Could Dustin figure out Robin? He doesn’t think so. But he’s starting to panic. What if he finds out? Robin doesn’t deserve that. He’d feel like it was his fault, and everything would go to shit.

“Okay! Okay! There is a reason.”

“I knew it! You have to tell me.” Dustin demanded. Well, Steve hasn’t thought that much ahead. He needs to come up with something and he needs to do it fast if Dustin is gonna believe it.

“Look, I haven’t told anyone this before.” Building suspense, nice.

Then, an idea popped into his head and it seemed like the perfect response to all of this. Or maybe it’s the only thing he could think of in such short notice. “I’m gay.” He blurts out. It made sense in his head, really. Robin doesn’t get outed, but she can still look at the reaction she might get when she comes out. (It doesn’t hold any kind of truth at all. Not one Steve can see right now at least.)

Dustin is just staring at him. “What? I don’t, you’re not, since when?”

“Since I was born?” It sounds like a question. Steve didn’t prepare for follow up questions to the reply he literally just crafted.

“There’s no way you’re gay.” At least he didn’t seem disgusted or upset? Is this a good or bad reaction?

“Are you not okay with it?” Steve dared to ask.

“What?! Of course I’m okay with it, I’m just. I don’t care, but you don’t really seem gay. It’s hard to believe.” At least he’s okay with it. He’s still being stubborn.

“Way to stereotype, Henderson.”

Dustin sputters. “Wha- can you even blame me? Who could believe you?”

The next words that came out of Steve’s mouth didn’t actually ask for permission to be said. “My boyfriend can believe it.” He said it so matter of fact that he surprised himself a little. The way he usually took the route of action before thinking was gonna bite him in the ass some day. Would that be today?

“Boyfriend?!! And you didn’t tell me? You don’t have a boyfriend!” He accused Steve. “Who is it?”

Oh. Shoot. Quick, brain. Who could be his boyfriend? Someone his age, that was single, and could be believed to be in a gay relationship.

“It’s Jonathan.” Why did he say that? He just broke up with Nancy, that would just seem like a messy situation. Also is he literally just doing what he scolded Dustin for and stereotyping?

“But he just broke up with Nancy.” Hmm. Did Dustin read his mind or something.

“It’s new. That’s why I haven’t told anyone.”

“Not even Robin?” Oh, crap. Is he gonna have to tell this to people? Well, he should probably tell Jonathan first that he is apparently in a relationship with him now.

“Not even Robin.” Dustin beamed at this.

“You know, even if you and Jonathan are kind of a weird sounding couple, and this is surprising… if you’re happy then I’m happy for you, Steve.” That was weirdly sweet of Dustin.

“Thanks, bud.”

After that and renting a movie, Dustin was on his way. He gave Steve a hug goodbye and hopped on his bike to go home.

Steve had a lot of things to get done now. And he hoped that the first one went well because he didn’t really have a plan B if it didn’t. What had he gotten himself into?

First things first. Asking Jonathan to be his fake boyfriend.

At least for a while.

What could go wrong?

-

Step 1. Get Jonathan to be his fake boyfriend.

Step 2. Probably get Robin in on it?

He’s not sure about that one. This situation was kind of embarrassing, he’d rather just share his embarrassment with the one person who is absolutely necessary. Also Robin doesn’t seem like the type to lie to their friends. Even if it was harmless.

Step 2. Probably get Robin in on it?

Step 2. Make a game plan.

They’d probably need to talk about how this was gonna go. Get all their facts straight in case there were any questions, which there were going to be. Plan how long this was gonna be for. He was getting a bit ahead of himself, but there was no plan B.

Step 3. Hope it’s believable.

He was already outside of the Hopper-Byers home. This shouldn’t be hard, Jonathan is a pretty understanding guy. He wouldn’t judge Steve, or make fun of him. At least that’s what Steve hoped. They’ve been developing a friendship for a while. Which has been going surprisingly well. Fuck. Was this gonna mess it up?

He got out of his car and walked to the door, knocking. El answered the door, she gave him a smile and let him in.

“Is Jonathan home?” Him asking for Jonathan wasn’t a rare occurrence nowadays, so El just nodded and pointed to his room.

He knocked to make his presence known. “Hey, Jon?” He opened the door and stepped inside the room.

“Hiya. What’s up, Harrington?” Jonathan grinned at Steve. Ah. Shit. He didn’t look completely sober. Must’ve smoked something earlier.

“Well, I wanted to talk to you. I’d rather wait until you sober up though.” Jonathan just gave him a thumbs up.

“Happy to have company.” Steve knew Jonathan was having trouble dealing with the break up. They had been together for a while and he thought that those two were gonna beat all the odds and marry each other or something. Maybe they still could find their way back to each other someday. Right now though, it probably sucked.

Nancy was off to college, Jonathan stayed here in Hawkins doing community college. There was no way of knowing how Nancy was taking it, she barely called and when she did it was kinda cut and dry. Although Steve supposed that was a way of telling she wasn’t doing so good either.

They hung out, doing nothing in particular. Just talking, listening to music and Steve sobering him up.

“Did you say you wanted to talk about something?” Jon asked. He looked sober now. Or as sober as his perpetual stoner face could look.

“Yeah… I kinda did something stupid.”

“Don’t we all.” Cute. Was he trying to make him feel better? It would’ve worked if what he did wasn’t as stupid as it was.

“No, seriously. I think this is the dumbest thing I have done.” Understatement.

“It can’t be that bad.” Jon’s words weren’t aligned with his face because it looked like he was starting to worry.

“It has something to do with you too.” With those words, Steve definitely made Jonathan start to worry. “Hear me out first!”

Retelling the events from earlier was excruciating. Steve has never felt this embarrassed before. It sounded so dumb saying it out loud.

“You really couldn’t come up with anything else? Like oh I don’t know. Saying you don’t like Robin like that?” It was like he wasn’t even listening.

“I tried that thousands of times! He wouldn’t buy it!”

“Why haven’t you just dated anyone else? To prove that you’re not hung up on her?” Interesting line of questioning. Honestly, it’s been a long time since someone has made him feel anything at all. No girl caught his attention like before. Has the upside down messed him up so bad that he can’t form romantic connections anymore?

“I just, I don’t really. Taking a break from dating sounded good to me.”

“Uh huh. Sure.” Jon didn’t believe him, whatever.

“Look I just panicked, spoke without thinking.”

“You know, I actually thought that Dustin was right about you and Robin before. But if you’re so determined to prove you’re not, to even come up with something like that.” Steve hated this. Was Jonathan getting a kick out of this?

“Are you amused? I’m kinda suffering here.” Steve lamented. “Can you just please help me?

“Oh god, what do you expect me to do? Pretend to date you to get Dustin off your back?” Yes. Please.

“Look! I only ask for a few weeks! It doesn’t have to be for long. Just, a few weeks of fake dating and then just say it didn’t work out and we decided to stay friends. All that cheesy stuff.” God, he was not being convincing at all.

Jonathan still looked skeptical. But at least he was considering it now. “I’ll owe you, big time. Whatever favor you want.” Steve offered.

Jon looked resigned now. He huffed out a breath. “I never thought my first boyfriend was gonna be Steve Harrington.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I always pictured a nerd or maybe a stoner.” He was confused now. Was Jonathan? “Yes, Steve. You should probably know if we’re gonna do this. I also like guys. And I’m assuming you’re okay with it, considering what you just asked.”

“Of course! Thanks for telling me. I’m glad you could trust me.” He was being genuine. Even if Steve was a little surprised, and now felt even more guilty about words he used in the past to insult Jonathan. All the past apologies seemed insufficient. Even so, he was happy that their friendship could develop into this.

“So? How is this gonna work? You really owe me now, you know.”

“Trust me, I know.”

So their friendship wasn’t ruined. Who knows? Maybe this could make it stronger.

[flippinpancakes64]

Hi! So, this is my first ask ever (kinda nervous ngl), but could you please write for the cullens with a succubus reader who is their mate? Maybe they're more like a Jennifer's body succubus? Thank you! (I'm obsessed with your writing btw)

The Cullens with a Succubus! Mate

Omg I remember the first time I did an ask I was like 12 and I was so worried I almost threw up. And then I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder so

Anyway it’s been like four or five years since I’ve seen Jennifer’s body but I think I remember enough to do what you wanted.

For anyone who needs a rundown, a succubus is a female demon who visits men while they sleep to engage in sexual activity. Either during or after this, they kill the men by taking their energy or by eating them. The male form is an incubus, but mostly the same premise.

And thank you so much for the kind words! Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!

Edward:

Uhm he’s a little scared

He knows that you won’t hurt him

You have no reason to there’s nothing to gain from killing a vampire, it’s not like you can eat him and he doesn’t have any energy to offput

Doesn’t mean he isn’t a little freaked out

But after he gets over the initial terror he is intrigued

He’s never met a demon before

He’s a scholarly fellow as well, he wants to know everything about you

He is gonna have to ask that you find another way of feeding

He sees your hunting ritual as cheating so yall will need to figure that out

Alice:

Yes sign her up

She loves you

She is so entranced

She thinks you are so beautiful, and she thinks your feeding us is symbolic

And of course she’s not scared of you

She’s not gonna go with you when you feed

But she’s also not gonna ask you to change

She knows that that’s what you need to do, and at the end of the day you come back to her and those guys end up dead so

Jasper:

He’s met a succubus before

He used to think Maria was a succubus tbh

He is a little uneasy

But he gets over himself

Again he thinks it’s so cool that you’re so different

Obv he won’t join you for your hunting

That’s just dangerous for him since he’s trying to not drink human blood

And he doesn’t try to change you at all

Yk that twitter post that’s like “my bitch can do what she wants cause im scared of her”

That’s him

Rosalie:

Yes

100 times yes

She is a man hater (except for Emmett and Carlisle and sometimes Jasper and maybe Edward)

She’s a big fan of your work

And yes she wants to join you

She’s abstained long enough to not really feel the urge to drink from the men you kill

And she doesn’t care about the sexual aspect

She’s the one you come home to so ❤️

She might even have a couple of suggestions for you

“That dude there bumped into me on the street and didn’t apologize let’s go for him next

Emmett:

Yes one million times

We already know he has a thing for powerful women

This is right up his alley

And he isn’t concerned about you killing men, he’s already dead

And if you would have killed him while he was alive he would have died a very happy man

He might go with you sometimes just to laugh at the guy

And he doesn’t care about the sexual aspect either

Again, more of the “you come home with me so it doesn’t matter”

Esme:

She’s very curious

She’s never met a demon, nor did she ever think she would

She isn’t judgmental at first when you tell her about how you eat men

But then she learns about what you do to them beforehand

And yeah she views it as cheating

She’ll ask if you have to do that first, or if you can just eat them

If you can’t change then she will not date you sorry

But she will be your friend

Carlisle:

He has definitely met a succubus before

So he knows what he’s getting into

He views it as more of a necessity

Like he knows how you won’t/can’t change and he wouldn’t ask that of you

He’s very accepting

He won’t go with you tho

What you do in your free time is up to you

Leave him out of the ritual killing please

Vampire! Bella:

She’s a little weirded out

I mean she just learned about vampires and werewolves not too long ago and now there’s other stuff?

She’s over learning

But she thinks it’s super cool

She thinks it’s a bit weird that you have to have sex with them first

So you’re gonna have to explain that it’s not something you can control, it just literally doesn’t work if you don’t

So she understands

I think she’d go with you once or twice just to see what it’s about

But it won’t be a habit of hers

Overall she thinks you’re pretty cool

[sykeskassie]

Here Comes A Thought; Pt. 3

Pairing: Bang Chan x Reader

Word Count: 711

Warnings: ANGST!! But this time, we’re open to a happy ending.

A/N: I wasn’t originally going to go with this song, but pt. 3 was always going to be an SU song. It is one of my favorites though, and I felt like it fit the theme well. Also!! I’m sorry this is getting posted so much later than I meant to, I had family in town 🎉

Pt.1 Pt. 2

Here comes a thought that might alarm you/ Something you did that failed to be charming

Chris,

I got your package. It took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to say to you. You said that you see me, but do you truly? Do you see all the ways that you stopped showing up for us? For me? You want me to come back to you, but what is there to come back to? Waiting weeks in between texts? Waiting for your call just for you to make excuse after excuse as to why you couldn’t be reached? I don’t want to go through that again. I can’t go through that again.

All these little things seem to matter so much/ That I might lose you

Sweetheart,

You’re right. The partner that I had become is not one that you deserve. I see now that my inaction pushed you to a place where I couldn’t reach you. I lost sight of what was most important to me. I became so focused on my career that I didn’t even realize that I was taking your presence in my life for granted. I thought you would always be there, the way I thought I would always be there for you; I’m sorry that it took losing you for me to see that. Please believe me when I say I love you.

Take a moment and ask yourself/ If this is how we fall apart

Chris, 

I know you love me, it never crossed my mind that you didn’t. I used to think that knowing you love me was enough to keep us together. That the distance and the time in between being together, between speaking, wouldn’t come between us. There hasn’t been a single moment since we met where I haven’t loved you. Truthfully, I don’t know that I’ll ever stop loving you. But I can’t be with you knowing that you only remember me when it’s convenient. I just can’t. 

Here comes a thought that might alarm me/ Things that I said are suddenly swarming

Sweetheart,

Everywhere I look, I see you.  I see you in the songs that I write. I have your handwritten notes all around my studio. Your very essence is so tightly woven into the fabric of my being. I know that I’ve broken more promises than I’ve kept, but will you let me promise you one more thing? Will you let me promise you change? Will you allow me the chance to show you that I am committed to showing up for you? You are my everything, and I swear that should you allow it, I won’t forget that again. 

All these little things seem to matter so much/ That they confuse me

Chris,

I truly don’t know what was worse: being together and watching you live without me, or letting you go. How can I trust that this won’t happen again? How can I trust that something else won’t take up all your time and energy and leave nothing left for me? I knew that you wouldn’t always have time for me when you became my partner, but I didn’t realize that would turn into ‘never’. It scares me that I was so easy for you to just forget. In spite of that…I miss you. I miss the kids. I miss my other half. Let me think about it, okay? 

Take a moment, remind yourself/ To take a moment and find yourself

Sweetheart,

Take the time you need. I would wait forever for you. I won’t push you, but please reach out to the kids, regardless of what you decide for us. They miss you just as much as you miss them, and they shouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of the damage I caused. I know that too much space is what lead us to this in the first place, but I don’t want crowd you while you take time to figure out what you want. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I love you, regardless of the outcome. 

Take a moment and ask yourself/ If this is how we fall apart/ But it’s not, but it’s not, but it’s not 

I’ve got nothing, got nothing, got nothing, got nothing to fear/ 

[bluedalahorse]

A highly incomplete introduction to AuDHD for YR fans who want to write more Sara Eriksson

Greetings, friends! In my time in the Young Royals fandom, I’ve seen a few people mention they were interested writing Sara but they didn’t know how to approach her neurodivergence, or that they find it intimidating. I figured it might be worth compiling a post where I share both ADHD and autism resources I’ve found helpful, as well as elements of my personal experience I draw on when writing Sara.

This post is by no means exhaustive, and I could probably say a lot more. But I figured I’d get it out there in case it was helpful to anyone else.

Part One: Resources and Such

Yo Samdy Sam is an AuDHD vlogger who talks about her experiences, and I find her video about how autism and ADHD show up together pretty informative. Since Sara is both it’s good to have a grasp on these nuances! Yo Samdy Sam’s other videos are also ones I’d recommend.

I’m autistic, now what? is also a good channel to check out for someone talking about their day to day experiences of autism. Her videos are a little longer, but she focuses often on how things have changed from her childhood to her adulthood, which can be helpful if you’re thinking about Sara at different ages/writing flashbacks/working on fic set in the future/etc.

Chloe Hayden, who stars in another teen drama called Heartbreak High, is both autistic and ADHD, and very fun and positive. She presents quite differently than Sara does—lots more talking and energy—but I think she’s a good example of every neurodivergent person presenting differently. Also, people should watch Heartbreak High and write me some fic where Sara and Quinni meet because I want it.

How to ADHD is mostly geared toward practical life skills when you’ve got ADHD, but it doesn’t neglect the way those interact with emotional well-being. Sara might try some of these strategies while working on her school work and chores, either because an adult recommended she do so or because it’s part of a system she worked out for herself. Also, the videos are perfectly designed for ADHD brains, and i have acquired many ways to self-accommodate by watching them.

Jessie Gender is autistic and does commentary about lots of nerdy things and trans rights. I really liked her video on The Queen’s Gambit where she talks about autistic girls and sex. If you’re planning to write spicer fic about Sara (which people should write more of imo) then Jessie might be a good resource!

Marieke Nijkamp is a multiply disabled author, and one of her disabilities is autism. I still have to get around to reading her novel length books but her short story “Better For All the World” made me cry and is one of my formative sargust mentor texts. I really recommend it if you can get a hold of the anthology The Radical Element. (Although, heads up, the story deals with the Buck v Bell case of 1927, which is difficult subject matter.)

Disability in Kidlit has some great resources on writing autistic characters from a craft perspective. If you’re going to write specifically from Sara’s point of view, or even if you’re not, it’s worth reading this article about the autistic voice in fiction and this article about humanizing autistic characters. Other articles on the site are also great!

I’m going to talk more about my personal experiences under the cut below…

Part 2: My personal experiences & takeaways

Sooooo if you’ve met one AuDHD person, you’ve met one AuDHD person. I can’t really claim to speak for all AuDHD people, and I’ve only recently gotten my diagnosis anyway. That said, a lot of my own personal experience colors how I write Sara. So in the interest of transparency, I’ve gone ahead and listed some of the things I’ve thought about when I write her.

An important note before I get started—this is not, actually, meta or analysis of the show. I’m not trying to tell you want I “really” think is going on with Sara Eriksson, or what the writers intended, or what the show is saying. You may read her differently, and I’m sure your interpretation is just as informed by your own experiences as mine. So please don’t take this as a criticism if your interpretation is different.

What I am explaining here instead are the ways that my personal experiences as an AuDHD person have influenced my perception of Sara, which in turn translates to how I’ve made sense of her storyline and written her in fanfic. None of these are “excuses,” but they are explorations. You can look at it as me examining my own thinking and writing process. I’m also opening up about some of my experiences and being a little bit vulnerable. If you have questions about any of these things below, or you want to know more for your own fic, you are always welcome to message me. I may not be able to get back to you right away but I can help however I am able. There are also some things I might feel more comfortable discussing in depth one-on-one, so direct messages might be better in that case, too.

Anyway, let’s begin…

Polarized strengths and weaknesses: In my own experience as an AuDHD person there are some pretty dramatic contrasts between what I’m good at and what I suck at. I’m in the 99% percentile in some skills and the 2% percentile in others. This adds up to stuff like, I read the Sherlock Holmes stories for the first time when I was eight and Les Misérables when I was eleven, but I cannot drive a car or learn a choreographed dance no matter how hard I try. This is inexplicable to some people because they’re like, omg but you know all these advanced words! Surely if you can’t drive a car, it’s just because you aren’t trying hard enough! Likewise I think it makes sense to write Sara with a spiky profile of her own, and have characters react to that accordingly.

Perceptions of maturity: AuDHD adults aren’t children. AuDHD teenagers aren’t children either. And yet part of ableism is the infantilization of AuDHD people. I don’t have a lot of huge narrative squicks, but this is one of them, and it’s rooted in frustrations I’ve had over people treating me like I’m still a child. I always write Sara as the age she’s intended to be in the fic. If I see fanfic scenes or headcanon scenarios where someone is treating Sara like she’s five, and that’s spun as positive or never questioned, it can make me really upset and it’s an immediate back button. This is something I would recommend writers be on the lookout for if they’re incorporating Sara into a scene. Maybe this one bullet point is spinning a little far into criticism of other folks, but I think if I could communicate one thing to other people writing Sara, this would be it.

Special interests/hyperfixations: The thing about special interests is that autistic people often turn to them to replenish their energy and get their nervous systems back to a state of equilibrium. (For instance, me writing this post right now about my blorbo Sara Eriksson is me engaging with a special interest to put my nervous system in a state of equilibrium and put energy back in my body.) Sara’s time spent with Rousseau isn’t just wonderful because she loves horses, it’s also something that’s probably helping her recharge after a complicated day of navigating social situations at Hillerska. This is why she panics at the thought of losing Rousseau. Now, there’s still issues here in that Rousseau isn’t actually Sara’s horse. And I do think many teenage and adult autistics with low support needs, like Sara, understand that they can’t engage with their special interests all the time. But in order to write and understand Sara, I have to understand that she’s counting on Rousseau and horses more generally as something that helps her self-regulate and stay grounded. (In Heart and Homeland I also added art as one of her hyperfixations, so she often draws to recharge and make sense of things.)

Alexithymia: Alexithymia is essentially a trait people can have where they struggle to read their own emotions. It’s pretty common in autistic people and other neurodivergent folk; I have a mild version of it. For me, tuning into my emotions is a bit like trying to figure out what song is playing on a staticy radio. I might have to wait and “mess with the dial” a bit before I can fully understand what I’m feeling in a given situation. The question “how are you?” is a bit of a nightmare for me sometimes. Because my alexithymia is mild, I usually can figure out what I’m feeling in time, but I still often need extra effort to discern the nuances. I tend to apply this trait to Sara when I write her, mostly because she seems to need to sit with her feelings to understand how they’re affecting her. This is most evident when she’s trying to figure out if she like-likes August, though it comes out in other ways, too. Sara might just need a lot of time to process her emotions. Even when she’s showing her emotions and in them, they might take a lot of time to leave her system, and she might not catch on to how they’re affecting her right away. In Heart and Homeland, part of the reason Sara keeps a diary in the first place is so she can sort through what she’s feeling.

Heightened empathy: There’s an old stereotype that autistic people don’t have any empathy. This is not true, and some autistics even have an excess of empathy. I would argue that Sara (at least the way I interpret and write her) is one of them. This may seem counterintutive to some, as I have seen people argue that she is insufficiently empathetic to Simon and/or Linda. I see it differently, however. In my own experience, having an excess of empathy doesn’t always mean that I come across as loving and sweet to the people in my life. Sometimes it can make it so you’re so full of feelings toward others that you can’t act. I often function clumsily in conflicts, and feel like I’m caught between different parties, especially if it’s a situation where everyone appears to be hurting. It’s enough to make me shut down and not do anything, or even side with the person who to everyone else is obviously wrong. Especially when I was a teenager, the answer about “who to side with” in a conflict wasn’t always clear to me. For instance, in college, I dated a girl who constantly belittled me and many of my friends, and I let her get away with it because I was sensitive to the ways she was genuinely hurting about life. I am not proud of it now, and I did break up with her eventually and made efforts to patch things up with my friends when I could, but it also took me two and a half years to get there. Thanks to life experience and therapy, I am now better at recognizing red flags and overriding my excess empathy to call people out on their shit when they need it. It took me time, though, and I can’t help reading a lot of that into Sara. In a way, I tend to think her hope that August will own up to his actions is born out of heightened empathy for both August and Simon. She pins her hopes on this solution because, in her mind, it meets Simon’s needs because the person who harmed him has come forward and is willing to be held accountable for his actions and it meets August’s needs because he can find relief in owning up to his shit and stop drowning in regret. Now, yes, Sara is absolutely misleading herself and ignoring crucial details of the situation because she’s in love, and she does misread what Simon actually needs in the situation. This is very typically teenage. At the same time, when I write her in fic, I see this as tied to an excess of empathy, and not a lack of it.

Inertia/Executive Functioning Struggles: Building on what was said above… some AuDHD people (like myself) can really struggle with making a plan and getting started on tasks, and the bigger the task, the bigger the struggle. “Tasks” is a word we usually apply to things like doing laundry, so we tend to think of executive functioning as an unemotional thing, but it can also apply to emotional stuff like, say, having a big conversation that needs to be had or breaking up with someone you know you need to. (Like I said above. Two and a half years with that shitty person in college!) In fact, I would say inertia can even make things harder with social/emotional stuff, because math homework is at least consistently math homework, but social/emotional situations can shift and become more complicated over time. At Hillerska, we see Sara get involved in ever-shifting social politics, and it takes things escalating to the field scene for her to take action at the end of S2. (In a more minor example, Sara taking a while to get ready in the parents’ weekend episode, and Linda rushing her out the door, is a great example of Sara being affected by inertia.)

Menstrual ick: Increasing numbers of studies show that people with uteruses who have ADHD, autism, or both are way more likely to have painful periods and PMDD. This is true for me—one of the biggest signs that my period is coming is that I am absolutely convinced everyone hates me. I don’t know how to apply this to Sara directly, but periods are part of life and if you happen to write about her dealing with menstrual nonsense, this might be something to keep in mind.

Sensory issues: A lot of people are aware of sensory issues for neurodivergents, and every neurodivergent experiences sensory issues differently, and not always in ways that are immediately apparent to neurotypicals. For me, I hate vacuums and car horns and bananas, but for my roommate, she hates any lights on after 7 PM and finds chocolate overwhelming. Sara doesn’t mention any particular sensory issues, but presumably she has some and masks her reactions, so uh… make up the ones that make sense to you, I guess. Or, don’t make them up, but maybe read about a bunch of different people’s experiences of sensory issues and work from there. External stuff like being tired, sick, or being on one’s period can heighten sensory issues, so think about vulnerability factors that might increase them for Sara.

Rejection sensitivity: Many people with ADHD feel rejection or criticism from others with a high level of intensity, even as physical pain. (Fun fact: PMS makes my rejection sensitivity even worse!) I don’t know if we see Sara feeling rejection sensitivity onscreen much in YR, but I can’t help but imagine she’s dealt with it in the past, based on the way she says she sometimes feels like the worst person in the world, when she’s talking to August in 2.3. If Sara’s had therapy (which I assume she’s had in some form because she knows breathing exercises) then maybe this is something she’s worked on coping strategies.

Accommodations in school: I don’t actually know how this works in Sweden specifically or at a school like Hillerska, but I’d love to hear how it works! Someone else should weigh in if they know things. But I would not be surprised if Sara has the legal right to certain accommodations in school such as extended time on tests, guided notes, etc. (Not being Swedish myself, I’m not sure what the equivalent to the Americans With Disabilities Act would be in Sweden.) One thing to note here is that Sara would get to decide herself whether she actually uses her accommodations or not. I would say, based on my observations of teenagers, is that some neurodivergent teenagers tend not to use their accommodations so they can avoid sticking out among their peers. This seems like it might be the case for Sara, since she wants to make friends at Hillerska and not stand out. The other thing she might encounter at Hillerska specifically is teachers who don’t want to meet those accommodations because they’re “old school” and, frankly, ableist. Accommodations are something one should take into account when writing Sara’s academic life, though.

Double empathy problem: This is something that the psych community is talking about more lately, and essentially the idea here is that neurotypicals communicate best with other neurotypicals whereas neurodivergents communicate best with other neurodivergents. That doesn’t mean both groups can’t communicate with one another (and even reducing it to two groups is kind of oversimplifying things, because obviously culture and other things impact communication too) but there are different patterns of communication at work here. In my own life, I vibe well with people whose neurotypes are similar to mine—this is exactly why @coruscantrhapsody and I are such iconic roommates. The Double Empathy Problen is theorized to have played a role in stereotypes about autistic people not having any empathy. (PS: I don’t actually think August has undiagnosed ADHD in canon, at least not according to the writers. Still, I think it would be pretty interesting to write him in fanfiction as someone who has a missed childhood diagnosis given the way he struggles with rejection sensitivity, impulsivity, and emotion regulation, and the way that the adderall addiction could be a form of self-medication that has gone awry. For that reason I think it’d be interesting to see a fic where the sargust relationship is viewed through the lens of the double empathy problem. Obviously not in a way where the ADHD excuses August’s harmful behaviors, but you know. An added layer of delicious nuance. Alternately, I know some folks like to headcanon Wille as autistic. Sara really clicking with autistic!Wille when they finally get a chance to talk is something I’d like to see!)

Neurodivergent community: As far as I can tell, Sara doesn’t really have neurodivergent community. This makes me sad, as someone who strongly benefits from friendships with other neurodivergent people. I would like her to have some in someone’s fic, please! Let me know if you write it.

That’s all for now… maybe I’ll add more in a future post.

For any other AuDHDers, do you have any elements of your personal experience that you incorporate into how you interpret or write Sara’s character? Feel free to reblog and add on, if you feel so inclined. (But also, no pressure.) Like I said, every ND person experiences this stuff differently, so someone else may have completely different experiences than me.

[identitheoret]

My Thoughts on the Story/Lore of “Ashes of Memory: Part 1”

(I might make this into a video if I have time btw)

Hey guys, IdentiTheoret here! :)

I’m not really sure what else I need to say here before I just jump right into my thoughts on Ashes of Memory. I think this Tumblr thing will actually work super well with what I’m aiming for here, but I’m still kinda new to it, so if you guys have any tips for me there I’d love to hear them. And my DM’s are also completely open, so you guys can ask me directly about literally anything you like or need help figuring out, lore related or whatever else you wanna talk about or say to me.

Anyways I guess I’ll just get right on into my thoughts now.

First of all, I had like no idea they were going this hog wild with changing up everything in terms of how the system works. I wasn’t keeping up a whole lot with the update prior outside of the one major teaser, so when I hopped on after maintenance and saw everything they changed I was kinda stunned.

I won’t be going with any particular order of events, rather I’ll try to go through each particular topic with all the details in mind from the beginning to end of Chapter 1.

Alice DeRoss (Reporter)

When I first saw her in the teaser I was like “Eh, not sure how to feel about her, it’s a little jarring seeing her like this.” And I didn’t even look back over it again to analyze because of the stuff I mentioned in my update video that was draining my energy. Although even then, I thought the idea of following adult Alice was absolutely dope.

But then I played the new story and got an actual good look and feel for this version of Alice and—OH MY GOD SHE IS SO FREAKING PRETTY LIKE AAAAAAH I CAN’T 😳🫠

Seriously they did such a good job with these new designs. And they kinda had to because they were gonna have far more normal designs outside of just Orpheus. I’m not going to go into any detail about my opinions there though, I’ll save that for a separate post soon after this one. I’m just looking at the story and lore right now.

So when it comes to everything leading up to her visiting the manor, they don’t really show off anything too odd. After her separation from Orpheus when they were kids, Alice suffered great social trauma/isolation, which we knew a bit about already with certain letters. But what we didn’t get to see was what happened after she left the orphanage. I was assuming maybe her trauma was going to mess her up in the long term, and if it didn’t I assumed she was going to lose her memories entirely or something because it seemed like things were just that intense during her time in the orphanage. But no, she has a fairly decent memory of her past by the looks of it. However, just like Orpheus in Time of Reunion, we are told she has little memory of the actual events of the manor tragedy, and in general some of her memories are a bit hazy. Not to mention the fact that she doesn’t find anything to be odd about Orpheus when she meets him in the manor.

Yeah, she hadn’t seen him since they were super young, but as we’ve seen before, the nickname of “Orpheus,” was a major detail of the two’s past friendship, because it represented their bonding experiences of making up stories and playing characters. The Orpheus nickname catching on and eventually being the name young Alice used for him exclusively was meant to show how close they were. But by the looks of it, she doesn’t remember the nickname at all.

And sure, it doesn’t mean she should immediately be like “ 😱 Oh mah gah that’s the same name it must be him ☝️🤓 .” However, this detail doesn’t even strike her as odd in any way. This could just be nothing, and she just decided to pay no mind to it, but when it comes to Identity V writing, these things are usually pointed out afterwards at the very least with a little “Huh, [Insert Minor Detail] is pretty odd” sorta thing. It happens a lot.

Outside of that, there’s not a whole lot she’s gotten involved in yet. I mean, it is only Chapter 1, so it makes sense. BUT, I do still have one thing to mention about her.

After you complete Chapter 1, you’re given the S-Tier Costume “Moment of Leisure.” And well, I mean, just look at it.

(Yes I am aware of the fact that one is a dress and the other is sleepwear but like, c’mon)

It’s possible that both the adult and child characters we always see together are probably BOTH meant to be Alice. There was really no reason for them to include this costume otherwise. Although, we do see in both the cinematics and in summaries by Orpheus that the older woman was a mother to the girl, and that she died a “horrific death.” Of course, the mother thing would make sense to conclude from Orpheus’s perspective so we can pretty much ignore that, but what about the death and it’s importance to the “Little Girl” after that? How would that fit into any of this?

Well, I have somewhat of an idea to propose for that, and for quick context I need to bring up two simple details: First, the character lineup was likely intentionally different from what we were expecting with Melly/Norton to draw attention to how the timeline’s gonna work out, since we know the Melly/Norton/Orpheus game was the last one Orpheus participated in before the amnesia and all that. And second, most of Alice’s personality and character in general is centered around her persistence and vigilance, literally stating word by word that in the face of her past traumas and mysteries, she needed to “Face it, and it’ll all be over.” This wording about it being “over” also specifically draws attention to the idea of moving on after facing the issue instead of just facing it persistently and learning to live with it or something like that.

So, with that all in mind, this is my early theory for how I think this is all gonna go. Either:

Alice will find the answers she needs to understand the missing bits of her past so she can come to terms with it, and she moves on while Orpheus stays in his ways. And maybe after Alice finds out who Orpheus really is, and she realizes he is actively choosing not to face his own traumas and is beyond persuasion, she escapes the manor and leaves him behind because she simply has to move on. The depictions, both written and seen, of her “horrible death” would be based in Orpheus’s (subjective, rather than objective) view of her facing her issues head on and suffering through the worst of it before she finally is able to overcome her sorrow. To her, she would be getting through the worst of it to finally rid herself of the prolonged pain she’s felt for so long. But to Orpheus, that short phase of pain needed to overcome his trauma seemed far too horrible of a thing to be worth suffering through. Thematically speaking, this would definitely make sense (and because the depictions of the “mother” and girl are clearly not literal or direct about their meaning at face value). All the depictions of young Alice trying to guide Orpheus are things he put into his own head from a deep regret for not listening to her and a desire to have her take the lead for him once more because he doesn’t feel like he can rely on himself to change. But these feelings are still hidden under his repetitive denial, and that’s why it’s something he doesn’t know he’s aware of yet.

Alice dies during the game, either because she wants to try and save Orpheus from himself and fails, and/or because Orpheus starts to believe he can do it but hesitates and gets her killed in the process. This would make sense because most of the themes in Orpheus’s story center around his inability to stay firm in what he needs to do with his trauma, and to not look back with doubt based on what he’s done before. And this would also tie perfectly to the Orpheus myth of him turning to Eurydice with doubt and dooming her to the Underworld, leading him to a life of sorrow and regret in the land of the living. Since this is, well, Identity V, I am pretty certain that this aspect of the myth is intentionally tied into Orpheus’s theme of traumatic repetition and him constantly choosing not to look forwards. This persists in most of the elements of his story, especially with the major details such as the “Don’t Look Back” line that comes up a whole lot when you think about it. So assuming that to be the case, and also assuming that Alice dies, we can conclude that she becomes a spirit in the form of her past younger self as she embodies that wholly innocent part of her life, and maybe just to make herself easier to recognize to Orpheus I guess…? The reason why she’d stay in the form of a child is harder to explain here than it is in the other point. It’d make sense why the child version would be there when accompanied by the older version because it was so long after Orpheus saw Alice that he separates his view of her into his memories of what he thought she was like and what she is now in front of him. That also explains why he tries to see her in the exact same dress as the younger version of her, because at the core the two versions are still the same person.

Those are just my initial thoughts at the moment. I may build onto these conclusions more later on after giving it more thought or when we see more of the next chapter. I guess I’ll leave my thoughts there for now though and move on.

“Orpheus” DeRoss (Novelist)

Well, there’s not much to say for him really. Same’s gonna go for the other two as well for the most part because of how early we are into this, but I do want to point out the way he interacts with everyone. It sometimes may give off a vibe like he knows way more than he lets on, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think the depiction here is still accurate/still will be accurate going forward with the explanation given in Time of Reunion about him having his memory wiped over and over. I don’t think he is actually aware of anything behind the manor in this state. The way he pushes certain details and questions towards others, like the point about betrayal directed at Melly about her insects, and the other point about Mary’s French heritage with Fredrick, seem to just be derived from his intrigue for drama stemming from his interest in writing. He likes a good mystery and finding little things out. We even see him do this with Alice herself in the cutscene after Chapter 1, where he asks her to play the piano for him in exchange for some information on his new book. Besides that, not much needs to be said here.

Fredrick Kreiburg (Composer)

Okay, imma just be real here, I am COMPLETELY lost when it comes to this guy. I was really confused when it was revealed that he was going to be one of the four main characters of this thing, because the guys literally just came out not that long before and we didn’t even get like any buildup for him in the lore before his release. And when it comes to his connections to the racecourse with Mary, like yeah I’m completely clueless. But that actually has nothing to do with the Mary thing though, because I was well aware from the start that there was the theory that Mary wasn’t the actual Mary Antoinette but rather a noblewoman of some sort (based on bday letters if you’re confused). And I knew it was probably true, and was most likely gonna be important later on, but I still was just like “Nah I don’t care right now I’ll just wait on that one.” And now it’s already introduced but I’m still confused about like, why?

I will say one thing though, all the details surrounding that weird Mary subplot, such as the “was it a suicide or a murder?” mystery that’s almost treated like a legend, and the way the death is presented generally, and how the backlash against the racecourse afterwards is completely directed towards one man in particular, and how everyone just kinda goes like “🤷‍♀️🤷‍♂️ Uh idek why she did that 🤷🤷‍♂️,” it all gives off MAJOR Atropos Ropes vibes and it’s definitely intentional. Not sure how to feel about that just yet, but that’s mostly because of my big lack of understanding about anything Mary/Kreiburg related.

Not only that, but look at the way they describe the legend of the past owners of the manor and the mysterious death of the male owner’s female lover before the closure of the course and selling of their manor before some seemingly random dude who is clearly a descendant (Fredrick) suddenly shows up upon invitation from the new owners, and he is is heavily associated with a certain art expression and deals with social pressures.

Like, dude. That’s literally the plot of Lone Moon from T&I. The husband is the Knight, Mary is the princess, and Fredrick is Narcissus.

(+ We have already gotten thematic connections between Lone Moon and Atropos Ropes in terms of the themes of repetition and supposed fate, but we also have literal connections through the Amethyst Duchess, linking Narcissus to Bella (aka, you know, Mary)).

And also, I think the way they use the racecourse specifically of all things leads me to believe that there must be a connection to COA 4. And no, it has nothing to do with the horse imagery in that story, because that was directly linked to Cavalier and his Don Quixote inspirations (but if you wanna get refreshed on that go watch my COA Lore vid). The reason why they did horses here and not cars is simply because, well, rich people shit.

The thing that really makes me certain about this, outside of the obvious specificity, is once again that reoccurring theme of repetition and mistakes from those who came before. It’s present in Atropos Ropes, it’s present in Lone Moon, and it’s definitely present in COA 4, because that story is entirely based around that concept. And all of these have strong connections to either the manor’s history or the DeRoss family, which I highly doubt is a coincidence based on the theories about the DeRosses I’ve been making for the past while.

Melly Plinius (Entomologist)

Not much to say about her either. She’s got that same weird personality that we’d expect from her, and talks about the betrayal thing in a very weird way with connecting it to bugs. But the most important thing I can really point out so far about her is how she has little to no importance of any kind to the events going on regarding the manor and the Kreiburg racetrack. I think this has something to do with what the devs want us to notice about how this timeline works, since Norton hasn’t appeared yet. So I’m guessing Fredrick either dies or just leaves and is replaced by Norton sometime in the story. Knowing how weird some of the other diary stories were written, I’m sure Fredrick just gets like a little bit deep into how he may be involved with the racetrack and the Baron as a result of that, gets uncomfortable and goes like “Nah no thanks” and just kinda bails. I’m not even kidding, I could see that happening tbh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well, anyways, that’s all I have to say for now. Like I said before, I’m already planning another post sometime soon, and I’m also thinking about making this post into an actual video as well, but I’m not sure which will come first. Thanks for reading, I’ll see you guys again soon💖💖💖

[frindoka]

my art timeline :-)

hi! i’m making this because i was inspired by maxpawb’s post i saw on toyhouse , which then led me to look at all my own art that is still somehow intact in my storage. this only details stuff from when i started posting online, not from when i started drawing traditionally as a wee lad. partially because my sketchbooks are lost and partially because i never really wrote down dates on my art to begin with.

a lot of dates are lost, due to the aforementioned problem of me not writing things down.. and also i have awful dissociative memory problems so there’s way too many gaps in my life. but i really did want to do this to see how much i could find & how much i could recollect.

content warning for VERY brief mentions of grooming, as well as minor mentions of real shitty friends

everything is under the cut! there might be another rb if or when i hit the image limit. curse you, tumblr.

date: ??? , i had to be around like. 11 at the time

this was when i joined warriors amino and i deleted my account because i got in trouble for having social media, LMAO. i eventually came back with a new one though. this is probably one of the only surviving art pieces from when i was THIS YOUNG, everything’s on an ipad that’s so broken it won’t even charge

i learned how to use the smudge tool on ibispaint at this time and thought i was the coolest bitch on the block for my blending

may 2019, i was like 12

my return to amino (and brief period on deviantart, which i never used again lmao) i was specifically on wings of fire amino + warriors amino. i was obsessed with airbrush shading.

this is one of my first fursonas which was a wings of fire fanflight called kitsunewings or smth. and also my first species character (he predated the dragon), a bayfox, which was drawn in krita. i never used krita again after this. coincidentally, i was also never active in bayfoxes after submitting him.

i crawled back to ibispaint no matter how many new free programs i tried.. (also tried firealpaca once. i couldn’t even figure out how to draw a line…)

may 2019, 12

the rise of my longest lasting fursona. she got stolen on a shitty app called anime maker once. i can’t remember if she’s older than the dragon, andromeda, but her older iterations definitelt are. this character was just the FIRST first fursona that i actually called that, since i didn’t even really know what a furry was at first

june 2019, 12

my first commission that i sold for like 30 deviantart points (i only used the site for commission purposes, as mentioned before i never really used it lmao)

also i tried to make a closed species on wings of fire amino. second image. it was terribly stressful ; this was around the time i met my longest lasting group of friends (hi freak bin! 5 years <3) and.. some of the worst people i’ve ever met in my life at the same time, LMAOOO

also here’s this kokichi ouma dog i made before i even knew what danganronpa was. i would find out much later, unfortunately

march 2020, still 12 (cause of my august birthday 😒)

there’s a really big gap in my files here. sad! my art kicks into gear at this point tbh, i like how i did the lines. wish i had the energy for such clean lineart still :-(

i think around this time i lost contact with the people who were my groomers (which i would realize later) and i’m thankful that i don’t even remember what their names are.

april 2020 - july 2020, 12

okay these aren’t awful actually. HOW WAS MY ART SO DETAILED. i admire baby frets power, jesus christ

i also did a design raffle when i hit 500 amino followers which is still the most i’ve ever gotten as a following. pretty crazy, i wonder who owns this dude now, i still think they’re cute

august 2020, 13

wow i’m 13 now look at that. i had to go digging for this one, only one i could find that was remotely close to my birthday (it’s the 25th!) this was a drawing for my friend bea lol

was still friends with some pretty shitty people from wings of fire amino, and it was really taking a toll on me. i don’t remember drawing as often as i used to during that time because of all of that.

december 2020, 13

i wish i could still draw backgrounds.. i need more practice

january 2021, 13

okay honestly these are really cute. i don’t know wtf kind of motivation i had for this much detail. the shading is pretty damn good

april 2021, 13

still going strong with the shading and backgrounds. not much to say around this time either lol. the first one is an older design of mine, but they’re pretty damn cute.. i wonder what happens to the desgins i lose track of? but ik this guy has a toyhouse profile i just refuse to look through my like. 200 pages of character designs on there…

july 2021, 13

PUDDLE! PUDDLE OH HOW I MISS YOU. my original favorite oc, i got so much art of him & drew him so much he reached 100 pieces in less than a month. i also met my best friend through this dude.

my art got.. blocky? here? idk what i was doing with all of that but it lasts for a while. lol

october 2021, 14

one year older and i got neo twewy for my birthday and it changed my life permanently. in several ways. anyhow, here’s frindoka furries.. they live in my files forever and will never b drawn again because they got redesigned several more times LOLLLLL

this is the month after i broke off permanently from my shitty old friends, with support of some other friends of mine. thank you guys… i did proceed to get harassed and made paranoid over my text messages by the shitty friends cause they were mad i got one of them banned from a furry adopts server for being literally dangerous. i do know it was them bc it was admitted to & they were some of the only people i gave my phone number to. i was kind of dumb for that

i was happy after my birthday because 13 was one of the worst years of my life. literal constant spirals and breakdowns because this is when i realize i was, in fact, groomed. i’m well and handling it better now.

january 2022, 14

my first d&d character, the mark of my eventual spiral into heath insanity… shadow how i miss you. i ended up redesigning them later on

march 2022, 14

i got into a pokemon arpg around this time and it took over my life for MONTHSSSS. kind of a shitty community in it though, but i appreciate how it improved my artwork. i’m back at the backgrounds! it’s shut down indefinitely now. rip eeveemporium

april 2022, 14

I FOT BACK INTO WAKFUUUU😭😭😭 also got pretty comfortable in my identity as a transgender nonbinary person, but i would get MORE comfortable about my identity later on :-)

this is going to be continued in a reblog because i did, in fact, hit the image limit. oopsie daisies

[soongtypehuman]

Update on Things

It’s been almost 4 months since the craniotomy that removed the tumor that was crushing my brain. The hope was that the surgery would cure the mild to moderate cognitive issues I was dealing with, or at least stop them from progressing. I’m sorry to say that wasn’t the case, and many of the problems have gotten dramatically worse.

I don’t want to go into too much detail, least of all because it’s boring. My short-term memory, ability to read and write, as well as speak fluidly, have all been affected negatively. I’ve just had another EEG to see if the seizures are continuing, and will have another MRI this week to assess the amount of damage to my brain from the tumor that had been affecting it for years and any damage caused by the surgery, and to check for a stroke. It’s a lot of fuckery I don’t have all the answers for yet. Once I have answers, then I can begin a more exacting treatment for the problem(s).

Unfortunately, as I said above, the problems are affecting my ability to write.

Planning and outlining have always been the backbone of my writing process, but even more so now. Everything is slower and requires a lot more concerted effort and lots of revision.

In short, I’m not able to create as quickly as I once could, although I’m hoping that will change eventually with enough rehab and figuring out new ways to work around my setbacks.

Ideally, I’d like to continue posting every Sunday, just as I have for over a year, but I might have to accept the idea that, as far as things go at the moment, I might not be able to use my writing time for both a weekly ficlet while also finding the time, energy, and focus to work on longer fics. For the time being at least, I might have to switch to posting every other week so I can allot more time and attention to the longer fics.

I just don’t know yet and can’t set anything in stone either way.

But I did want to say something about all of this because I was worried people might see me posting less frequently or posting work that isn’t as long as it used to be and think that I’ve gotten lazy or lost interest. That couldn’t be further from the truth. If anything, my love of this series is one of the few things in my life that brings me joy and that I can count on (my most beloved @monotremer being the main source of that), and one of my biggest motivators in rehab is trying to return to being focused and prolific where my writing is concerned. But I also have to accept that some things may never return to the way they were.

In any event, I hope to keep posting work regularly, but hope everyone understands if I’m not always able to do that.

Updates on what’s coming:

I was working on a longer fic to post to the Data/Lore collection today, but didn’t finish it, so there’s a shorter ficlet in the non-explicit Positronic Rivalry collection instead. The D/L fic should be ready to post next Sunday (fingers crossed). And while all that’s happening, I’m still working on the multi-chapter in the main series that got much bigger than I originally intended. It’s slow going, but it’s going, and my hope is that it’ll be ready to post in July.

[veronika-tserber]

Hello Veronika! How are you doing? I hope you’re great.

I’d like to learn about my progressed sun if the slots are not full yet.

My progress sun degree: Libra 7’32 (natal 10th house)

Thank you for your time. I’m so excited to learn more about degrees, can’t wait for your new posts!

Have a great day ☀️

Hey, Raven! *I really like that name/word, hope you don't mind!* I'm doing fine, thank you. But I'm definitely feeling the Mars/Pluto opposition happening in the sky right now. 💣😅 Thank you for the kind words and for giving me the exact degrees! <3

I am looking at the Symbols for both the 7th and 8th degrees. We round a Sabian after it passes 30 minutes.

Sabian Symbol for 7°♎: "A woman feeding chickens and protecting them from the hawks"

This has been your energy for a while now. Watching over others and oneself. Concerns for safety. Looking after ideas. Responsibility. On a negative note - overprotective and always looking for potential issues. Worrying - again, about your own well-being and that of people around you.

Sabian Symbol for 8°♎: "A blazing fireplace in a deserted home"

Coziness and warmth. A sense of safety. Finding comfort in being alone. A place of refuge. Alternatively - loneliness/isolation. No one is at home.

Gene Key 18 (Judgment->Integrity->Perfection)

"Morally speaking, judgment gets a bad rap in the modern world. We talk about being non-judgemental as though it were one of the highest goals in life. In fact, it is impossible not to judge because judgment is the way in which the human mind thinks. What defines the low frequency of the victim mind is that you identify with what you think — in other words, your judgments define your identity and make you feel more secure. However, if you can make a judgment and at the same time be aware of judging then you are no longer trapped by your own mind, and thus the frequency around that judgment changes."

When you aren't in alignment, you feel JUDGMENT: The need to challenge authority (bonus points since it's in your 10th house of authority figures and the stricter parent). Being attached to your opinions. Being affected by other people's opinions of you. The need to be right. Complaining and feeling like a victim. People misunderstanding you/reacting harshly to what you have to say. Judging yourself. Feelings of inferiority/superiority.

When you are in alignment, you feel INTEGRITY: Understanding your past conditioning - what made you the way you are? Forgiving your parent(s). Developing your own values. Striving toward self-improvement. Accepting imperfection and striving for excellence, instead. Maintaining high standards. Growing up. Being objective - removing the ego attachment to your opinions. Learning to communicate corrections/critique in an impersonal way. Accepting yourself as you are, more and more.

So, all and all, during this transient period (which will end as soon as the Sun moves into 9° 30' ♎), you are called to learn more about yourself, your upbringing, and especially your relationship with one of your parents - the disciplinarian one. This GK could be affecting you at your workplace, and in your relationships with teachers/bosses and co-workers where you could, for example, have some sort of a critique or suggestion to share, but people take it the wrong way. Or you could be the one feeling judged, and wanting to defend yourself.

You might have spent a lot of time in the past worrying about what people think of you (quite normal when you are young), and it's essentially a period of growing up and letting go of unhealthy perfectionism and self-judgments you could've absorbed from your early environment.

"Wherever you see someone living with Integrity, you are seeing someone using the power of judgment in an objective and impersonal way. This is the great Gift of the 18th Gene Key — not to use or take judgment personally, but to learn to judge from your heart. Judging from the heart can never be cruel because true Integrity has only one purpose — to serve the whole in the spirit of truth and compassion."

Your heart is the fireplace from the 8° Sabian - your source of comfort and warmth during this time! It's a stage of healing past hurts, and releasing self-judgment, first. Only a healed person can receive and offer advice/critique to others without filtering it through the lenses of their past pain.

I hope that was helpful!

All quotations are from the amazing book "The Gene Keys" by Richard Rudd. 💜

- Foxbørn

ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ 1

ᴄʜᴀʀᴛ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢꜱ

ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴛᴏ ʙᴜʏ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ᴄᴏꜰꜰᴇᴇ?

[texasjen13]

This is a request about the song lyrics that AB and JA had posted on their Instagram story. About I never look for trouble, but I never ran. I don’t take orders!

So let’s get into it the queen of swords is a person who is quick witted and sharp. The three of coins reversed is a person maybe lacking respect between team members or individuals trying to prove themselves to gang superiority over others. So this might be Alba might be saying that to Chris.

The temperance reversed is representing a person that may be impatient or imbalanced, and has issues with workplace or social environment. So she might be referring this to Chris’s fans.

Six swords represents, she may want to leave something behind to move towards to the unknown and could be letting go of something that holds her back. Again, it might be a shot to Chris.

Sun reversed is she may be too confident, and by being too confident she may become egotistical. She may be trying to talk herself up when she knows she can’t deliver!

Six of coins reverse means she is giving freely to others but they’re not giving in return. Again, this may be a stab at Chris in a relationship. This means that one partner is doing a lot of taking but not a lot of giving.

Queen of coins, suggest that she is to live independently. Or this queen can be a mother figure a mentor or an influencer.

In the outcome, the 4 of wands reversed : means she doesn’t feel compelled to proclaim achievements to others. But this card has a shadow side to it as well which means she may show lack of harmony, she may have tension between love ones, and she may be caught up in other peoples concerns.

To clarify

Page of wands means she was inclined to give anything and everything ago, and she wants to start out on a new journey or project.

6 of wands means she may appear to have reached an important milestone or achieved a goal, and is confident and self-assured about it. Again that might be a stab at the fans of Chris Evans.

3of swords and the lovers together! The three of swords indicates heartbreak and possibly a third-party situation. Now since it’s combined with the lovers card, which is a Gemini card, the lovers means union ,partnership and love. But this is where it gets interesting Alba, Chris, or both! May be experiencing heartbreak or a third-party situation when it comes to their union and their love. Which means one or the other or both may have another lover on the side.

Nine of swords reversed is confirmation that Alba is embracing her emotions and healing the apathy she used to feel.

Priest means that she’s finding spiritual enlightenment in her illumination and divine knowledge and wisdom.

The king of coins means she is fighting material, wealth, and financial abundance.

Last, but not least the night of wand indicates that she is finding new ideas she’s charged up with energy, passion, and motivation. The night of wand is a card that is an act first, and think later type of person who is impulsive and impatient!

So what a boils down to is those song lyrics may be a stab at Chris Evans and his fans. And the funny thing is when the three of swords and the lovers came out.

I automatically thought of the song torn between two lovers! Which is weird because I don’t think of songs, so if you don’t know that song, go ahead and look it up and then you’ll know

[laylainalaska]

I was tagged by @redvanillabee​ to show my notes for WIPs. (Original post here.)

The thing is, though, I don’t usually have much - it’s typically either a brainstorming back-and-forth in email or chat that I really can’t share without the other person’s permission, or a couple lines at the top of the document indicating what happens ... or nothing at all. 

You know what I do have, though, is all the notes for Black Water Rising. I was just poking through my older stories to see if I could find anything with coherent notes at all, and ran across the detailed notes at the top of that file. I recall that I was writing this on the fly as I wrote the rest of the fic. See annotations.

This is the starting synopsis:

Peggy, Sousa & Thompson are trapped in an underground bad guy lair during a storm. The place seals off and starts to flood. Thompson is trapped in a lower part of the complex (they find some kind of metal-barred grille, so they can communicate, but they can't really help as the water fills it up). They have to try to free him as well as themselves.

[So this part was what I started out with - just a basic synopsis of what the fic was about. I think I wrote about a third of the fic before I started to get snarled up and realized that I needed to stop and list out different stuff that could happen to them and figure out what order it needed to happen in.]

On revisions, I need more of Jack mansplaining to the ones up above.

[This note cracks me up.]

Middle part:

Jack loses his radio while climbing up to get a piece of angle iron from the wall, so they can't communicate with him anymore.

Peggy sees the waterfall - it's at some kind of large bricked-in shaft w/grille near top

Peggy notices that the concrete is extra crumbly at the hangar

Peggy finds a paint pail and pry bar

Peggy & Daniel try using the pail/bar combo to pry up the grate; it fails

Peggy and/or Daniel turn the paint can lid into a tool for digging concrete out of the shaft

Battery runs down on Daniel's flashlight

Jack shows up (swimming), startling them; he actually managed to climb up & retrieve a length of angle iron. He passes it up through the grate to them. They try to pry up the grate w/that & fail.

[So IIRC, I had these initially listed in random order as they occurred to me, then shuffled them around until I had them in an order that made the most sense for building tension.]

[Then the ending leaped into my brain fully formed and I wrote a pretty detailed synopsis of it before it got away.]

How the end goes:

The water is nearly up to the top of the grates and Peggy & Sousa are trying to break the grate free w/out luck. (At some point they have the idea of using Jack's belt to tie him to the grate, so he doesn't have to constantly tread water, especially since he's having to float on his back to breathe. This might not happen 'til he's in the hangar bay, though.) Then Peggy remembers the crumbly concrete at the hangar bay. She tells Jack she has an idea, but he's not going to like it: she thinks they can get the grates off the vents in the hangar bay much more easily, but he's going to have to swim there. She sends off Sousa to start working on it. This is when she & Jack have some kind of pep talk & he tells her, the don't-leave-me thing and he's worried that he wouldn't stay himself, that he'd never be the bottom guy on the ladder. (Sousa doesn't hear this conversation.)

Anyway, she gets him to swim off & then takes off herself. Maybe they use radios to stay in touch through this but Jack's dies because of the dunking. However, he does make it to the hangar bay. She & Sousa struggle w/the grates. Jack thinks he ought to do the heroic thing, let go and drown so they can go spend their energy on getting themselves out. Peggy yells at him that they aren't giving up on him, so "don't you dare give up". And then they get the grate off and pull him through. He clings to them: "You didn't leave." Then they all go to the room where they're chipping out cement. Jack takes a shift on this. When they get the shaft cleared, Peggy & Jack agree Daniel should go first because climbing the ladder is going to be hard for him. (The water is currently lapping around their knees.) Then Peggy & Jack fight over whether she should go next. She thinks he's condescending to her -- and in fairness, he sorta is -- so one of them suggests drawing straws. They use pencils from her handbag. She gets the short one, but she glimpses that the other one is snapped off to the same length and realizes he cheated. Then he explains, "You saved my life. This is all I can do. Let me do this." So she goes up ahead of him. Looking down, she sees the look on his face is ghastly & realizes that this is terribly difficult for him, but it's something he's gotta do. When they get to the top, she tells him, "You did it. You were the bottom guy on the ladder this time."

[This stayed very similar to the outline when I wrote it, although there’s one big thing that’s missing and that’s the entire sequence where everyone almost gets sucked into the undertow in the shaft. That apparently came up spontaneously when I was writing.]

They're all soaked, filthy, and hypothermic, so rather than driving back to NYC, they get a hotel in Albany, where they get two separate rooms (guys & girls). Peggy takes a long shower & she calls Angie to let her know she's okay. Then she goes over to the guys' room. She finds Sousa in, basically, a blanket nest in front of the radiator. He's startled; she tells him not to get up. He says they were going to order room service "but Thompson's still in the shower" and put it on SSR accounts. So they do. And then they pull all the blankets off the bed and make an enormous nest in front of the radiator and go to sleep.

[And this was also pretty much identical in the final version.]

Not sure if this is interesting to anyone else, but that’s what the notes looked like for that fic, anyway!

[soundcrusher]

Moss

First design for Moss, and I gotta say, I really like it. 

To me, they look amazing and I’m really proud of how I made the moss look. 

Their Ourlier Ability makes them grow moss wherever they are. Most of the time, they can't control it. (The moss glows in the dark.)

Backstory under the cut.

:_:_:_:_:_:_::_:_:_:_:_:_::_:_:_:_:_:_:

CreatonFailure10 or CF10 was one of O2’s earlier experiments, but to her, they were a failure and she quickly sold them off to a wealthy mech in need of a bodyguard. 

A mech, who treated CF10 like a worthless drone most of the time, because, frankly, that’s what O2 reduced them to. They had no personality, no recollections of who they were, no needs and no wishes. CF10 might have been alive once, but O2 took that from them. Made them into a machine who didn’t even know they were alive. 

But at least they did their job well. Standing guard, when their master needed a guard, and discarding useless goons, when their master grew tired of them. Sometimes, they would hesitate when they saw the fear in the goons optics, but that hesitation would disappear whenever their master told them to hurry up. 

CF10 always did their job well. They didn’t leave their post in front of their master's office door, even after he didn’t leave the room for 10 years. They stayed there, slowly feeling their systems shutting down in order to preserve their energy. Never knowing that their master was killed by an unknown assassin. 

They were found, overgrown and surrounded by moss, by a group of Cybertronians exploring CF10’s old master’s home. One of the Cybertronians noticed that a door was behind the big ‘rock’ overgrown by moss and tried to move it, only to accidentally activate CF10. The femme who reactivated them was the first thing CF10 saw. Making the flier their new master. 

Of course their new master, Strawberry, was at first confused as to why CF10 followed her, or would do whatever she said, but the group couldn’t really leave them behind. So, CF10 was taken with them and has been staying with Strawberry ever since. 

Strawberry did manage to help CF10 with regaining some of their old self, but O2’s experiments can’t really be undone, not when you aren’t a professional. So, despite having  a sense of self, CF10 still behaves like a drone and lacks a distinct personality. It’s as if you’re talking with a soulless machine most of the time, but it is getting better. 

It has especially gotten better after a small moment CF10 had with Strawberry. They were sitting underneath the starry sky and Strawberry was leaning against CF10, telling them about her past life as a human and how their Outlier ability reminded them of the walks she would take in the woods, or how she loved the glowing moss on CF10’s armor. The next morning CF10 would be with their new master as usual. Although, as they were alone, they would softly nudge Strawberry’s back. And as she looked up at them, they would point at themself and proudly whisper ‘Moss’.

It took Strawberry a moment until she figured out that CF10 just showed an emotion and told her their name. After that, Strawberry did her best to get Moss to show more and more emotions. Getting excited whenever Moss would start to act less like a machine and more like a person. And Moss would sometimes find themself smiling slightly or be proud of themself for making Strawberry excited. 

 

Bonus:

Moss without the moss

[burnwater13]

Grogu agreed with Bo-Katan. Mandalorians are stronger… wait a minute. 

Knock, knock. Knock, knock. 

Hello. Grogu here. I just wanted to break the fourth wall for a minute and say, what the heck! I’ve told you stories about Bo-Katan a bunch of times and frankly, I don’t have anything else to tell you. I’m done. Finished. Out of insights. The best I can say right now, is you know as much about her as I do, unless I give you a bunch of spoilers and frankly, there are a lot of people who would be very peeved with me if I did that. So I won’t. 

Now, since it’s just the two of us chatting, I’m going to add a couple of other important bits and pieces of knowledge to your understanding of how things work. First and foremost, I am not called Baby Yoda. Sorry. Nope. Uh ah. The name is Grogu. Not kid, buddy, Mac, womp rat, or padawan. Grogu. It’s a simple name. If you had to say it in my language, well, it still sounds like Grogu. Easy peasy. Thank you.

Second, I don’t know if I was hatched, born, budded, sprouted, or any of a thousand other ways a person ends up being a person. I’ve heard a lot of theories and I don’t know the answer. I will not be checking in with Master Yoda’s Force ghost (or whatever you call it) to find out more on that either. It’s a mystery. Mysteries are fun.  If Jon wants to do that, he can do that. 

Third, as much as I like having all those dads when I’m on set, I only have one for real. He is called Din Djarin. He has brown eyes and a scruffy beard and a very handsome nose. That’s right. The few people who have ever seen my dad’s face say he has a lovely nose. It’s a lot bigger than mine but then he’s a lot bigger than me too. Just so you know. 

Now that we’ve covered that kind of stuff, I just want to say, I really appreciate you hanging out with me, day in and day out, reading the stories, laughing (I hope), and commenting if you have a chance. And for the two people who send me corrections for typos, I see you and I really appreciate it. I just wish there was an edit button everywhere. Maybe, one day. 

Anyway, I’ve been asked a couple of questions pretty routinely and I thought now would be a good time and place to answer them.  Since I have your attention. 

Yes, I do my own stunts. Some of the time. I’ve got a great team and that includes body doubles, stunt coordinators and of course a couple of other stunt performers. The folks who work with me on that stuff are great and I know you love them as much as I do. Maybe more, since they don’t attach little wands to your arms to make sure you don’t accidentally use the Force. They go to a lot of trouble to set up the sequences and none of us want it to fall flat (no pun intended). 

I am not very tall. In fact, I don’t even reach my dad’s knee cap yet. Sometimes when there isn’t a good visual reference I look bigger than I am. Frankly, I kind of like that. But, the reality is I’m about a 0.34 meters in height. I’ve grown a bit since the series first started airing, but that only added a couple of centimeters to my height. That’s a lot for me, but you might not notice it. 

Contrary to what some of you may have read on internet posts, I do not eat everything and my body is not all stomach.  I just like to eat my food fresh. And I do need a lot of food to keep up my energy levels. It’s not easy being the smallest person on set and no one has figured out how to get me a bicycle that I can ride from point A to point B. Dank Farrik! 

Oh, yeah, if you’re wondering why I am not cooing and babbling, and all that, well, this is being translated by my assistant. They understand my language and I am really glad of that. Just because you don’t know what coo, coo, chirp, patuuuu means, doesn’t mean it’s baby talk. Don’t listen to Jon. He doesn’t understand it either. I’m just glad someone does. 

Ummm, yes, Peli Motto is just as much fun as she seems to be. She’s cracking jokes about a thousand times a minute and most us can’t keep up with her, but that’s part of her charm. If you don’t understand them all, that’s okay. None of us do, but she still has pretty, bouncy, hair and that is also part of her charm. 

Don’t mess with Fennec. Just don’t. Really. She will get even. I did not mean to drop a frog into her iced tea. I didn’t. I was distracted by a question from one of the ADs and next thing I know the frog I was about to eat was in that glass and whoo boy, was Fennec not happy about that. But she didn’t say anything right away. Nope. She smiled, laughed, and asked politely for a new one. The next day I found that frog in my bed. On my pillow. If you get my drift. Do not upset her. 

Daimyo Fett is really great and tells so many jokes. They don’t end up in the show very often, but let me assure you that when a person survives a sarlacc pit they have a lot of jokes to tell you and you should listen to them all. Hilarious. 

I think the cast and crew are brilliant and they treat me really well and I love them all. Well, except for that one assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the episode’s director. They know who they are. I don’t share those frogs. Not with anyone. They are hard to come by and I need all the vitamins and minerals in them to stay healthy. I don’t care who made that bet (looking at you Pedro), and I don’t care if you won (you didn’t), but leave my frogs alone or you will be finding gorgs in your bed and they won’t be resting peacefully.

Okay. That’s it. Whoo. Glad I got that out of my system. I hope you enjoy the vid of the very lovely Katee. She’s a lot of fun and is one of my favorite humans. This is the Way (through the fourth wall). 

[ghost-city]

wangxian princess bride au (ch. 1)

so back in 2020 i wrote the first two chapters of an mdzs princess bride au. i came across it randomly and thought it actually wasn't too bad, so i figured i might as well post it

i likely won't continue it since i'm not in the habit of writing (i've actually never written or posted a fic besides this one), but i thought it might bring some people some entertainment. also want to note that this is unedited/beta read, just posting everything as it was written back in 2020 :3

Chapter 1: Sick Day

“A-Ling, your uncle’s here,” said Jin Zixuan, entering the room.

Jin Ling looked up from his bed, where he was playing mobile games, “Didn’t you tell him I’m sick?” he scowled.

“He’s here because you’re sick. I need someone to watch you while I’m at work.”

“I’m 16, I don’t need a babysitter.” Jin Ling’s scowl was starting to become permanent.

“Sure,” Jin Zixuan conceded, “But you don’t even have the energy to get out of bed for a glass of water, you’ll need someone to do these things for you.”

“Don’t act like I’m some kind of servant, peacock,” started Jiang Cheng as he entered with an expression that put his nephew’s to shame, “I agreed to keep him company for the day because you never let me see my nephew often enough, that’s all.”

“You visit every week…” Jin Ling muttered as Fairy hopped onto the bed, wagging her tail.

Jin Zixuan rolled his eyes, “I’m off to work, I’ll pick up some soup for dinner on my way back.”

Jiang Cheng tried not to think about how Jin Ling wouldn’t have to wait for Jin Zixuan to pick up soup on his way back from work if A-Li were still here, cleared his throat, and pulled Jin Ling’s desk chair to the side of the bed.

Jin Ling, who had already gone back to his game, gave Jiang Cheng a side glace, before once again staring intently at the screen, “Ah, uncle, you don’t have to stay in here you know... I’m sure the living room is more comfortable anyway. I can just call you if I really need something…”

Jiang Cheng decided to ignore the fact that the expensive gaming chair he was sitting in was infinitely more comfortable than the sleek sofas in the living room, which were undoubtedly built more for style than comfort. “Don’t be ridiculous, didn’t I already say I didn’t come here to be your servant? Besides, I brought you something.”

Jin Ling perked up. It wasn’t hard to see he was imagining a new headset, or a new set of athletic clothes for sword practice, or sweets, or even a new friend for Fairy, which were the type of things his uncle usually bought him. He certainly wasn’t expecting…

“A book?” Jin Ling’s face twisted into something dubious.

Jiang Cheng’s scowl deepened. “Don’t be ungrateful.” His scowl softened to a frown, “Your mother used to read this to me when I was sick. Since she’s not here to read it to you-” His fingers clenched around the spine.

Perhaps it’s not surprising that Jin Ling struggles to find words for a moment. “...Well, if mom liked it, it can’t be too bad. What’s it about? Does it have sword fights?” It looked from the cover to be a xianxia novel, so he was hopeful.

Jiang Cheng scoffed, “Of course. Sword fights, demonic cultivation, torture, revenge, fierce corpses, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…”

Even though Jin Ling made another face at the mention of true love and miracles, he finally set his phone to the side. “Alright, but don’t blame me if I fall asleep, I’m sick remember?”

“If you fall asleep I’ll break your legs,” threatened Jiang Cheng as he turned to the first page. “‘The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation’. Chapter 1. Wei Wuxian grew up farming lotus roots in Yunmeng…”

(Chapter 2)

[moonmoonfairy]

I wrote the following as a comment to a YouTube video reacting to video about shipping in K-pop relating to BTS. The comments on this video have since been turned off and I spent a long time writing it and thought I should share it where someone else might enjoy reading it. It comes off as very Intro to Shipping 101 because they genuinely did not understand why someone might ship, so tumblr users wouldn’t be the target audience for this post but oh well lol. Warning: this became a LONG comment which practically grew into an essay about shipping culture with a lot of gray areas, if you’re looking for black and white opinions about what is right and wrong, you will not find it here. I do offer my opinions on the subject, but who am I really? I’m just offering a look into different perspectives. With that out of the way, let’s get into it. 

I think there is some nuance to the shipping conversation as there is a spectrum of experiences with it. BTS is the first fandom I’ve been a part of where there was Real People Shipping (RPS), every time I had seen shipping before becoming an army was with fictional characters from books, tv shows, and movies. With young people reading less, and media literacy on the decline, I have noticed an uptick in the amount of RPS. Not that it didn’t exist before, but it certainly feels more common now with reality shows, musicians, costars, and YouTubers posting more of their private lives and/or using fanservice as a form of promotion (or this could also possibly be another case of the internet making things that were once more hidden/niche more visible, but I digress). I think the majority of shippers are teenagers and young adults who have yet to experience a romantic relationship in real life using shipping as an outlet for figuring out their blossoming sexualities. Women and queer folks especially have their sexuality stigmatized by society, it can feel safer for them to project their feelings onto someone else that is unobtainable. For straight girls, if both of the people they’re shipping are male, it can feel even safer because then they are equals (in many places it can feel like there is an inherent power imbalance between men and women because of societal norms) and because of heteronormativity, male/male ships can feel less likely to be true and therefore non threatening for those that self insert themselves into these ideas. I think this is normal and most people that do this grow out of it and feel embarrassed about it as they do. I don’t think it’s wrong for them to do this, it is certainly safer than exploring their sexualities in real life especially if they aren’t ready, and although I would prefer they do this with fictional characters, that isn’t a realistic expectation with how young people are consuming media. 

It can become dangerous when they head into conspiracy theory territory. As can be seen in the comments of many army spaces, these shippers are often mocked and othered which only strengthens their bond as a group, which can be very cult like. People prone to falling for conspiracy theories are generally a bit gullible and at their core just want to be special. They feel special for seeing what others don’t, and it provides them a community that makes them feel even more special and seen. In the case of Taekook or Jikook (and most musician based RPS) they have a ‘bad guy’ like ‘the company’ or just generally ‘homophobia’ they get to blame and try and fight for justice, they get to play the hero. I do not think these shippers are the majority, they are just the loudest, because they can’t think they are wrong or they will have wasted a lot of time and energy and essentially made a fool of themselves over nothing. You will most likely not be able to convince these types of shippers that their ship isn’t real unless you have an understanding of psychology and/or cult deprogramming. I would like to point out that I do not think Taekook and Jikook shippers are the only shippers behaving like this, I am just using them as an example, and I am aware of other shippers behaving this way. [ETA: I would like to point out that I initially only listed Taekook shippers in this section because when I first started following BTS they were THE conspiracy theory shippers, and Jikook shippers were generally viewed as more rational and casual, but since chapter 2 and the decrease in content, I’ve noticed a lot of Jikook shippers going down the conspiracy theory road so I amended it to more accurately reflect the current shipping trends.]

My biggest issue with these conversations against this type of shipping, which can be seen in your video, is that it is almost always rooted in homophobia. Another type of shipper is a queer person who sees themselves in someone they admire. From what I’ve seen, a lot of the time these shippers as the most casual. They say things like, “I wouldn’t be surprised if they came out, but I also don’t expect it,” sometimes they see themselves and how they behave with their partners in how some of the members interact. I think what gets lost here is the difference in cultural norms. What may be interpreted as romantic interest in one person’s thinking, turns out to be something straight guy friends do in South Korea (SK). 

There are two sides of the coin here in shipping in K-pop, fanservice, and how it’s interpreted. The first side of this coin is that everything really is just platonic. ‘Shipping’ as a term in SK means enjoying two of the members chemistry as friends, it isn’t romantic. Heteronormativity is stronger there because SK as a country is more conservative. It is playful for them and as fans we do enjoy it, it can just get misunderstood in different countries. Something that gets lost in these discussions about shipping, is that most of the time, casual shipping is just silly and fun. It’s fun to see two people being cute and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. This is a big part of why BTS is so popular.

We cannot disregard the fact that fanservice IS apart of the job in K-pop. A lot of people get upset when this is pointed out, shippers or not. It does not actually undermine their relationships to point this out because two things can be true at once. They can be close and good friends, and be playfully flirty on stage as fanservice. There are those who take it too far and shout fanservice at every interaction between certain members and that is annoying, but they are often stuck in those cult like thought circles, and again shaming these people will not convince them otherwise.

The second side of that coin is: gay people do exist everywhere in the world, maybe it’s not crazy to think one or more of the members might be queer. Something that bothers me is the argument that the members would be disgusted to be shipped with each other. First of all, they expect it because it is common in K-pop, and often feed into it. The members know that they are shipped and continue to behave in ways they know will be enjoyed in this way. An anecdote here: growing up I had a best friend that people often questioned whether or not we were together. We were not bothered when people thought this about us, we were not disgusted, we thought it was funny and often played into it because we knew what our relationship was to each other. I really want people who say the members would be disgusted that they’re shipped together to ask themselves: What if two of them are together or even just one of the members are queer, and they see millions of people saying that it’s disgusting. How would that make them feel? Although, if any of them are queer, they’re likely used to seeing this kind of thinking, but still, it probably sucks to constantly be faced with the fact that you’ll feel trapped in the closet forever. I think it best not to assume either way, straight or queer. We always see, “you shouldn’t assume,” targeted at those that discuss the possibility of one of the members being queer, but then those same people assume that they’re straight. 

If one of them is queer, they are closeted in a conservative country which can be very scary. If they are queer they are not obligated to out themselves and be a queer icon. Not just their lives would be affected by their coming out, the company, the other members, any other brands they work with, and their families and friends could be affected. With this in mind it is understandable why someone might want to stay closeted. The reason not to ship real life people should be that they are real people who deserve privacy, dignity, and respect, not because two guys together is “disgusting.” One or more of them could be queer, they could all be straight, maybe one of them is ace. Unless they tell us, we won’t know for sure, and people maybe shouldn’t go digging to try and put a label on them that they aren’t willing to put on themselves, but with how people view celebrities and their right to privacy, this type of speculation isn’t going to go away and it is quite frankly unrealistic to think that it could.

As a somewhat unrelated final point targeted more generally at homophobia in army spaces: BTS are artists, their art, music, videos, photos, and words are going to be speculated about, and people are going to dissect and discuss and relate to them in any number of ways. People want to connect with other people. No one person’s lived experience is universal, but we still seek to relate ourselves and our experiences to others so we don’t feel so alone. One of the biggest ways we do that is through media and art. I don’t think any of the BTS members would be upset if a queer army related to a lyric, or song, etc. I think they’d be glad that that army felt seen. Even if none of the members are queer, I think they have shown themselves to at the very least be allies.

If you read all of that, wow, you’re amazing, and I appreciate you. I hope it made sense and I hope you have a lovely day 💜

[maddilynmuse]

Well, I don’t have many people who follow me on here, but I figure I’ll put this out to the world regardless…

This will be mostly vent post, part explanation.

I’m tired. I’m tired and busy and largely directionless. My irl writing group has largely fallen apart and is too long of a drive/too much of a commitment in time and money to make most of the time, I can’t keep up hype in online writing groups because I get tired and flake, and so much time and effort and money is being put into trying to keep shit together irl.

At the end of last year, my car finally gave up the ghost. My parents helped me find a new one and are currently financing it, but come next year I’ll have to find the money to chip in. I tried to find another job and still curse myself that I let them get under my skin enough about needing “a career” and being “directionless” that I cancelled the potential interview. I do like my current job, being a substitute teacher, but the pay is just good enough that I’m not sure if I qualify for food stamps. So I’m trying to get an alternate teaching certification, but god I’m scared.

Being a substitute is easy. I’m a warm body, and I can take off whenever I need (provided I can financially afford it). Being a real teacher will be so much worse, but it feels like they’ve backed me into it by paying the first few parts of the process.

The company I work for also screwed up insurance for almost everyone, and that was a long fight. I only got through it about a week ago after dealing with it since January. I almost cried at the Walgreens when the pharmacist finally managed to get it through and my $180 monthly bill turned to $45 again. Which I know isn’t the most expensive for medicine, but I can’t handle much.

I found out when I decided that my near-faint inducing needle phobia was not worse than the monetary stress I’m under and went to sell my blood plasma that my license had expired, so another problem for the pile. About a week ago I finally managed to get that through, but I’m waiting for it in the mail, and the temporary license doesn’t count for plasma or anything but driving. It might take up to a month.

As for writing, I managed to get a few people to read my book, and I won’t call it garbage, but the reviews were overwhelmingly negative. When you start asking outright for “are there any good points,” get one line, several paragraphs more criticism, and this happens at least 3 times, well… I pulled it from everywhere by Amazon and Kofi only because I couldn’t bring myself to by the end.

It’s been a rough ride, and I think my editors screwed me as much as they helped me, I got left high and dry, and shortly after left my previous job for what turned out to be an attempt at scamming me. The money’s run out, I can’t get another editor in the foreseeable future, and desperate for money, I deluded myself into thinking it was good enough…

Thankfully now I’ve gotten a few people who actually liked it somewhat willing to help me for free and I kept some of the old drafts, so I’ll try to make it better. And while waiting for that feedback, I’m working some on book 2.

Other projects such as Guppy Love and Things Between the Cracks? Not so much…

Though might come back to the latter, maybe the same, maybe different. I do love the characters and ideas, just haven’t had the time and energy.

If you’ve read to this point, thank you. I’m trying to get life sorted, and hopefully I’ll eventually get there, inch by bloody fucking inch.