#Soap kneeling in confessional: hope this doesn't awaken anything in me

[ghouljams]

does soap ever realise he wants to fuck hush? and does he do it?

There's this weird hesitation with Soap. Despite summoning a demon the man was raised in a religious household, and there's a little bit of internalized homophobia. Soap has these feelings about men, but he sort of assumes everyone has them. Of course he's looked in the showers, who hasn't? He just admires his LT, and the only times he's kissed a guy it was Gaz and he was drunk so that doesn't count. And now you've kissed him, and you offered him sex, and you were so casual with it that it's almost shocking. Shouldn't you be a little quieter? Keep your voice down about that stuff.

Soap's not homophobic, that's not the problem, he's fine with gay folks and all of that, but for him... for him... There's a certain way John Mactavish is supposed to be, and suddenly he's having trouble keeping that straight in his head. How are you so comfortable with yourself? How are you so comfortable with him?

How do you grab him and smile at him with such easy confidence? How do you slap his shoulder for attention and not freeze? How do you not think about that quick excited kiss every time you're with him? (At least not in any awkward way Soap can see) It boggles the mind. He obsesses over it. Not because it was bad or awkward, but because it was so exuberant and joyful, and good. Because even though his ears were ringing and his head was starting to spin the world had focused in on how warm your lips were against his.

It must have been a fluke, adrenaline making everything feel more. That doesn't explain why he keeps thinking about it. Soap doesn't know why he keeps thinking about it. He just knows that it's all he can think about. Every time you drape an arm around his shoulders, every time you knock your arm against his, every time you look at him in confusion when he re-buffs your attempts to cuddle.

Soap misses the weight of you laying on him, misses the way you'd purr when he scratched at your scalp, misses the warmth. He's not cold to you, but he doesn't know how he's supposed to...

God.

You hold an arm out across the small entryway to Soap's barrack, stopping him from leaving. You look cross, or maybe just more serious than you usually do. It makes him uneasy, he likes that you're usually in a good mood, that you can match his humor, match his energy. Now you look cross.

"Can't stand to see me go?" Soap grins, settling a hand on the corner of the hall. You cross your arms and lean against the wall, terrible habit for someone who supposedly was military.

"Love to watch you leave," You smile back, it pinches something in Soap's chest, "but not why I stopped you." You tip your head, eyes searching Soap's, he raises a brow, cocks his head to try and usher you to continue. You come to some sort of conclusion and sniff. "What's wrong?"

"A man cannae have a lick of privacy?" Soap tries to joke, but you raise your brows, waiting him out. "Nothing's wrong." He crosses his arms, uncrosses them, swings them back to parade rest.

"You're upset about somethin'." You don't press, but you certainly have a way of making it known you're referring to something specific, "What did I do?"

"Dinnae dae anythin'," Soap attempts to push past you, "We're fine." You catch him around the middle and Soap feels a rush of heat hit his cheeks at how solid a wall you are. You tip your head to speak closer to him.

"It's the sex thing, right?" You tell him low, it doesn't help the heat or the chill that runs down his spine, "We don't have to have sex, I'm eating fine."

"Good," Soap tells you quickly, shaking off your hold. "Dinnae want tae have sex with ya." He says it plainly, believably, but you make a hummed noise of disbelief. "Ah don't."

"You do." You say it like it's nothing. Soap switches tactics.

"You want tae fuck me, s'alright lots of people do," He tosses a wink your way, a crooked smile. You measure his smile with your own.

"I just don't want it to affect our work."

"It won't." Soap assures you.

It already is.