#Suicide attempt tw

[mythtakens]

9-1-1 + a thesis on love

[losthavenmine]

Clown (2014)

[auschizm]

I mean sure if you are literally in the process of getting murdered or someone is literally dying in front of you, you can call the emergency central about it, but outside a situation where someone is literally dying on the spot you REALLY shouldn't EVER call the police on someone's mental health crisis. There really aren't a whole lot of valid exceptions where you totally should call the cops on someone

[compassionatereminders]

I kinda wanna ask this community their opinion on sumn that's been bothering me:

I've had a partner for a few years now, and throughout it we've certainly been thru our fair share of ups and downs, even so she's supported a lot thru the years, especially with my home life quickly deteriorating into being borderline unlivable; something that's always hung over my head during the relationship is that she's suicidal, and has made multiple attempts on her life.

she proposed a few months back, and though we are long distance I kinda thought the proposal was kinda a new step for us, alongside the fact that the both of us are now medicated for our respective disorders. but she recently made another attempt and as much as I love her, I don't know how much more I can handle the paranoia of her making attempts. I know it isn't like she chose to be struggling with this, but I feel as if everytime it happens and we try to act like nothing's happened, something inside me breaks more and more.

I still love her and don't want to end things at all, but I'm also worried I'm staying in a relationship that's doing more harm than good for me

You need to stop acting like nothing happened and actually have these conversations about what's been happening and how it's affecting you, her and the relationship. If you keep pushing it under the rug and not articulating the issue, it will eventually get too big. But it might be solvable in some capacity if you start having the hard conversations

[kishiar-la-orr]

in defense of first game kishiar,

turning is a finely crafted story. kuyu makes sure to ground every single one of their characters to the world that they live in, the world the story happens in.

today (as always) i am gonna talk about kishiar, but more specifically kishiar and his relationship to mortality, recontextualizing the things he did in the first game and all. super special humongous gigantic thanks to @kouraissant for helping me with this and bearing with my nonstop kishiar and mortality thoughts!

a lot of the things i'll be talking about also involves a degree of personal experiences and maybe a healthy dash of self-projection. as a disclaimer, you don't have to agree with me on anything and everything, but i'd rather some of the more personal parts to not be responded to rudely or unkindly. i will not tolerate that, sorry.

usual kishiar & mortality tw: canonical suicide attempt discussion, canonical self-harm, canonical death. be wary of spoilers.

1TL = first game/pre-regression/first timeline 2TL = second game/post-regression/second timeline

kishiar is a really fascinating character and his relationship with mortality moreso. a lot of the things that kishiar does, in my opinion, is very much colored by his circumstances growing up, specifically being born with the knowledge that second, third, etc. imperial children tend to be die young as if having 'major defects' be it physical or mental (ch 109) and ended up having no power, remaining unmarried and bowing their heads their whole lives (ch 14).

that is to say, all his life, he surely knows he can die quickly and easily, almost anytime. it's true that for everyone, death does come suddenly, but in kishiar la orr's life, death is like a childhood friend you don't like but are forced to get along with. again, this colors his whole life. this is the kind of circumstances that forces you to mature really quickly, to learn to be expressive and speak your thoughts like it's your last day, but to also learn to hold your tongue and bow down your head because you're a prince and your words still have consequences beyond normal children's would. you're forced to accept that this is the kind of life you will live and the kind of death you'll be documented as. by all accounts, i think that the current kishiar is really good at managing social situations however tricky they are, the fact that he's a rizzmaster, part of all those also comes from being used to having to process things quickly because you don't have the time to even live, being used to having to be expressive because god knows when your last day will be.

given all that as a background information, let's reexamine the conditions of 1TL.

i'd like to first point out that in 1TL, the very health and life expectancy that he used to not have pre-awakening was already given to kishiar during the awakening. i'm not too privy yet with the circumstances during the two years since the fall of the red stone to the cavalry recruitment in early canon, unfortunately, but i'll assume it was also time spent preparing and not just in silence, maybe even preparing for the cavalry to be created or searching for a cure for keilusa as well (though this is just personal theory). even so, two years really isn't that much time? soon after his awakening and tasting good health and better life expectancy the first time in his life, 1TL red stone retrieval mission happened, which forced kishiar to withdraw the divine sword without him meaning to and regained him the same vessel issues he's always experienced his whole life, basically bringing him back to square one after giving him the one thing he's always wanted his whole life. it's like the universe telling him: "look at everything you could have once had. endless possibilities. none of them are yours. not anymore."

to me, after at least 600+ chapters of reading, kishiar's character's basis is his loved ones. almost all of his actions can be traced back to him doing it in alignment with the position he has (being a prince and a duke) and out of the love he has for nathan, keilusa, and other people in his life. to be brought back to square one, struggling once again with the same old vessel issues, except worse this time, because many of the past imperial children didn't even make it to age thirty (ch 109) while he was already 29 and he almost died once already because of this very same thing.

expanding on his past experience with vessel issues and his response to it, from chapter 602 and chapter 160, likely kishiar's condition was so bad he might as well be almost dead before the timely awakening happened and immediately was followed by his second gender manifestation. he probably thought it was for real his death happening, not a surprise. he cleared off everyone and attempted suicide by touching the divine sword. that he cleared off everyone can also be argued as a selfless action, wanting to keep the smallest person possible to witness his impending doom, in order to save his loved ones from the heartache of seeing him suffer, try to kill himself and/or die.

it can also however be seen as selfish. after all, who is it that loves you and wants you to kill yourself?

this is where we will have to reiterate some points: kishiar is someone who's good at processing and expressing emotions. he's also good at knowing how to hold back and when to hold back from expressing said emotions. he's also someone who is logical and reasonable. and i also want to introduce some new points, that is: the universal fact that a lot of mental strain and generally bad mental health often cause irrationality in people, even someone who's perceived as reasonable or someone who's good at emotions. spiralling is called spiralling for a reason.

from the point of view of reason, leaving your cavalry commander mantle to the hyper-competent guy you happen to love to death, watching him get inaugurated, constantly visiting him, and of course, the pethuamet fight (which yuder 2TL classified as kishiar self-harming) are all illogical. kishiar's 1TL actions cannot be called reasonable or logical because they aren't. they are irrational the same way you and i get irrational when we're in extreme emotional duress. can anyone really claim to be logical when the threat of death looms so closely you can't even see it clearly anymore?

let's talk about some more things, like how the commander uniform he personally tailored for yuder (ch 625) is seen as yuder as unnecessary. logistically speaking, it really is unnecessary, it's not like yuder needed a new uniform when he can just wear kishiar's old ones and it'd probably just need some adjusting to fit better? but then it is explicitly stated by 2TL kishiar as 'hoping the person will wear them and think about the person who made it.' (ch 626)

also on the same conversation, 2TL kishiar stated that the strongest fear he has ever felt was during the late emperor's funeral, the feeling of being powerless, how frightening it was to look at the reality in front of him while he could only imagine what would happen to him, keilusa and the country in the future (ch 625). and in chapter further back, he also stated that in the tactical game, in the event that his special piece is almost caught by the enemy before he can use it, he would 'take the initiative and put it out as a bait in front of the enemy' (ch 105).

it paints a picture of this: it's not that he wants to do all these things, it's that who knows how to deal with death and the mental strain that comes with it when there are no actionable steps you can take, nothing under your control? he has a history of harming himself too, as i said, with the suicide attempt. in kishiar's case, the self-harm and the manifestation/post-awakening incident when he tried to kill himself, everything feels a bit more like struggling to feel a semblance of control in a world that is out of his control, when even his body feels out of his control all his life.

really, all of the things that can be deemed illogical, like ruining his relationships with everyone just so they feel less pain when he dies or like selfishly leaving yuder a legacy to care for or constantly visiting yuder even after his retirement, it stems from the selfish and very human desires of wanting to keep the loved ones near while he has time, trying to wrestle for a semblance of control, trying to leave anything useful at all that is within his capacity to give towards his loved ones for when after he's gone, grappling with all of the complicated emotions and love and care he has that he can't even act on. it's made even more complicated when you remember that kishiar isn't even suicidal originally. he's like this because of the circumstances thrusted upon his hands, he's only driven to that point because maybe he too doesn't want to die a dogshit death.

the upside is just because it's illogical doesn't mean it's treated callously or looked down upon. 1TL kishiar's actions are written beautifully by kuyu and never in a negative light. yuder himself has gripes about 1TL kishiar, but never outright insulted or downplayed his influences. if anything, the way yuder thinks of 1TL kishiar's actions, especially after knowing the imperial family's vessel issues, is very sympathetic (ch 293). in the words of our friend baby potat aloo,

like: look at this man trying to wrangle with his own tragic fate as best as he can while people he cares about most and people who care about him are unfortunately subjected to the pain of passively spectating his self-destructive ways of trying to gain some semblance of control (thinking of nathan and uuder) and/or secretive plans that seem like the 'best' choice in his opinion. nonetheless it's still about love.

that has been a long discussion over kishiar and mortality, kishiar and his loved ones as the basis of his motivation for every action. but let's not forget to talk about yuder, the one he has an almost-electric connection, deep and soulful, to. in a way, chapter 291's kishiar dialogue line "i feel like i can live now" can be seen as something he says out of love for yuder, because yuder is one of his loved ones, one of the ones he treasures the most. but also you can see it as another control thing. he's there out of his own accord, he came there through the window without being seen out of his own choice and yuder always 'tolerated' the situation, never reporting it. we can argue these are games and rendezvous they both consented to.

next, let's discuss: this is what he said in chapter 46, right before his death:

"...I wonder where it all went wrong. Thinking about it, it seems like it was when we retrieved the Red Stone." "..." "Yes... That's right. It must have been then that everything started going wrong. But even knowing that, I couldn't stop it. Because I had no other choice."

it rings so much of hopelessness, of someone who can't do anything but imagine a universe where the only thing he wanted in life was ripped away from him the moment it was bestowed. and then immediately dismissing it because it doesn't matter when it's already happened and the only thing he can do now is, just like the dukes before him, bow down his head and await for his death.

in later chapters, we also come to know that he cleared off the entire building and it was nearing his birthday when the assassination took place. we can also argue that this is euthanasia or assisted suicide, the executioner and helper is the one kishiar loves the most, who doesn't even really want to kill him. rather than a dogshit death he didn't choose, 1TL kishiar arranged it so that he dies in yuder's hands, knowing that it'd change his relationship with someone he loved so much, to die like a euthanised dog, spared the pain of unattainable hopes. in a way, it's a curse on yuder's memories, good or bad, of him, in a way, it's an act of making yourself an open wound. this too isn't rational, similarly to the way he leaves a personalized clothing for yuder's inauguration and new status as the cavalry commander or the way he gave him a name, this is a way of leaving behind a legacy, a desperate act of wanting to be remembered by his loved ones.

so, what's the point of all of this? nothing, i'm just a kishiar shooter. but also, everything. because the miscommunication in 1TL isn't one that can be so easily solved by speaking up. it's something that's integral to the story plotline, caused by the story circumstances, it's a testament too to how good kuyu's writing is and the complexity of kishiar as a character. it is, unfortunately, not as simple as just say you love him before you die. that is my conclusion.

some more unrelated, but perhaps also fun points:

i truly think, like a true self sabotage, kishiar's actions as an attempt to feel some semblance of control only works against him, making him feel more powerless and out of control

also this is for sure why he's so invested in healing keilusa

to another degree, cavalry in 2TL becomes his purpose and one of the major factors of his identity (the way it was to yuder 1TL, which is a discussion for another time), so in 1TL, stepping down could arguably also be seen as a loss of both authority/power and responsibility, leading to an even more 'out of control' feeling, even if he was indeed the one to step down out of his own accord, like no one forced him

1TL yuder was looked down on as a male omega leader, not man nor woman, commonborn cavalry commander who slept his way up. a lot of the things he did, even down to his fighting style, was also, to a certain point, a way of fighting for power, to look powerful and gain authority and be feared, if not respected. at the same time, kishiar didn't die instantly. he committed a lot of actions (as said earlier) that felt more like a grappling with control, which is just another form of power/authority. in a way, you can see these two foiling each other at the moment, struggling with power over how ppl perceive you (yuder) vs struggling with power over how you perceive yourself (kishiar). which is also funny because turning is also a story about power to me, what-with the catalyst to all of canon's plot being the red stone, which granted power to the people living in turning's canon universe

thanks for reading!

[sparkyblizz]

opening this post with a trigger warning for mentions of a fictional suicide attempt that is played for laughs but it still warrants a trigger warning.

so I saw this post about the Kirby Manmaru Nikki manga and the post mentioned this trigger warning as well and so I was relaying this to a friend. under the cut is said conversation where my friend said something that just sent me:

in all seriousness, suicidal ideation and attempts are no laughing matter. you are cared for. you are loved. and if you struggle with suicidal ideation, please reach out to someone. there is always gonna be someone who cares about you. your life is precious and you are precious and you are irreplaceable.

[hotwaterandmilk]

EIKO & OWNER ★ PARIPI KOUMEI (YA BOY KONGMING!)

[snake-snack-stede]

literally ed and stede

[laufire]

It was a house without kindness, never meant to be lived in, not a fit place for people or for love or for hope. Exorcism cannot alter the countenance of a house; Hill House would stay as it was until it was destroyed. Halloween Treat for @broodparasitism

[ancientbygone]

i don't think vessel remembers what ii's face looks like anymore. i mean, he came home to ii after losing his own, still in a half-deranged state after a suicide attempt and meeting a god, and then he couldn't look ii in the eye out of shame and fear that came with begging for a home like a lost dog on ii's doorstep and carrying the aforementioned god inside of his shadow, and then vessel's reality and identity starts to blur until he's Him and doesn't recognize anything anymore, and then there's a significant gap in his memory and as soon as it's over ii dons a mask because he thinks that maybe, maybe, maybe if he just plays along and worships sleep by his side he can control the situation just a little more and make sure vessel doesn't throw himself into such extremities again. and then that mask never gets taken off, at least not around vessel, because ii has a duty and he's not about to throw that away. i don't think vessel knows what ii's face looks like anymore.

[greenisnotyourcolour]

Phoenix and Miles discussing what they didn’t talk about before - Miles’ year after aa1 (dialogue takes place in 7 yg)

[spookymultimedia]

I stay focused on details It keeps me from feeling the big things But watch the microscope long enough Things that seem still are still changing

[losthavenmine]

Whumptober 2023 Day 28 || Sacrifice

The Pope's Exorcist (2023)

[half-oz-eddie]

Day 3: Past Trauma

Something random (and extremely personal) for @harringrovemovember

tw for psych ward/hospitalization/involuntary hold, suicide attempt, self harm, psychosis/brief psychotic disorder, hallucinations, medication

Billy and Steve were roommates in the psych ward. Billy had an episode of drug induced psychosis and a suicide attempt. Steve had alcohol induced psychosis at a party that caused hallucinations and paranoia.

Steve had been there for a few days longer than Billy, so he's freed from the constant observation first, and finally allowed to wear regular clothes and not the hideous hospital gowns anymore. When Billy was involuntarily admitted, he slept for 48 hours straight. Steve had done the same when he first got there, so he'd be sure to be considerate, quiet, and stopped eating in the room so the lights could be off as much as possible.

When the nurse would come in every 15 minutes to check on Billy, sometimes Steve would tell the nurse that Billy was crying and talking in his sleep.

When Billy finally woke up, Steve was on his way back from lunch with his coffee. They made eye contact. Steve stared, Billy glared.

"What?" Billy snapped.

"No-nothing. Welcome back. You've been sleeping for days."

"I don't remember anything."

"You should grab something to eat before lunch is over."

"Not hungry."

"Okay, get some Ensure from the nurse's station, then. If you don't put anything in your system, they'll keep you here longer."

Billy sighed and stood, sucking his teeth when he noticed the back of his gown was open.

"Here. Here." Steve handed him an extra gown. "Wear this one backwards so you're fully covered."

"Thanks." Billy grumbled. "What's your name?"

"Steve."

"I'm-"

"Billy. I know. I remember all the noise you made when you first got here. You cried so loud, I couldn't sleep."

"Sorry. I don't remember that."

"It's okay. I didn't remember much when I first got here either."

"Jesus. Are they wiping our memories or something?"

Steve snorted. It'd been awhile since he laughed. "No. Probably the psychosis."

"Oh. Is that what it was? Shit, that must be why they gave me that MRI, or whatever it was. They put me through a machine. I thought I dreamt that though, and—agh!" Billy held his head. "Fuckin' migraine."

"You need to eat. C'mon. Get something to eat. There're chicken sliders. They're actually pretty good. The coffee will keep you alert too."

Billy shrugged. "I guess."

When Billy's constant observation was over and done with, and he was no longer considered a harm to himself, he was excited for his mother to visit him and bring him some fresh clothes and food from outside.

When she didn't show, he had a terrible breakdown and started hearing voices, telling him he was never going to escape, and he should die. So Billy walked up to the nurse's station, being obnoxious and taking out all of his stress on everyone around him.

"Hey." He banged on the window. "Hello? I need my PRN. I'm hearing voices. Hey! Hey!"

Steve was doing his daily pacing the halls when he found Billy irritating the staff. "Billy, what are you doing?! You're gonna get in trouble again!"

"So? I want my fucking PRN. I'm hearing voices and I'm getting pissed off. My mom didn't show up or bring me my fucking clothes and-and I dunno. It triggered me or something."

Steve cocked his head, spotting the devastation in Billy's eyes. "Did you call her?"

"Yeah I fucking called! She didn't answer."

"I'm sorry. Maybe...something came up."

"Something came up." He darkly chuckled. "No, she just doesn't wanna see me." He turned back to the nurse's station, proceeding to bang on the glass. "P! R! N! Give me my fucking drugs or I'm going to kill myself! I'll do it!"

"Billy? Billy, stop. You can't say things like that."

"And why the hell not? They gonna put me in the psych ward?" Billy laughed.

Steve sighed, looking up as an irate nurse approached the window. "He's really distressed." Steve explained. "His mom didn't show up for her visit with him."

"Billy, do you need me to call the doctor?" The nurse asked.

"No. Just give me my meds so I can go lay back down."

The nurse gave Billy his medication, and he brushed past Steve, returning to their room.

Steve went to the laundry room to pick up his clothes, and brought them to their room.

He tossed Billy some shirts and sweatpants.

"We're really not supposed to keep food in our rooms, but my mom brought me a lot of snacks and the head nurse said I have to throw them away by tomorrow if I don't eat them. You want some?"

Billy slowly nodded.

Steve's eyes inadvertently fell on Billy's self harm scars when he reached out a hand for some candy.

"Do you...remember anything yet?"

"Not much. I remember wandering around for a long time. I remember...hearing a bunch of voices all at once. I remember calling 9-1-1 from an emergency box in some neighborhood. I remember crying in an ambulance and getting a couple of stitches. That's really all."

"I don't remember much either. One minute I was at a party with my girlfriend, the next, I was hearing this loud humming sound, and I was dizzy...I dunno. I just know she's not my girlfriend anymore. I don't remember what happened, or what I did, but she's not my girlfriend now. She hasn't accepted calls from me since I got here. Her parents called the hospital and had them order me to stop calling her."

"That's messed up." Billy responded with his mouth full. " What a bitch. She can get fucked."

"How long do you think you'll be here?" Steve asked, shifting the subject. "I'm ready to go home."

"Forever, probably. I'm batshit crazy and I don't have much of a home to go back to. I think it's what drove me over the edge."

"You're not crazy. Don't say that about yourself. Just cooperate, alright? Come out of your room more often, eat in the cafeteria, come to the group meetings..."

"Ugh." Billy threw himself back on the bed. "I don't want to. I'd rather just lay here and rot."

"You can't—"

Billy groaned. "There's 1 little fucking window here at the end of the hall. I can't go outside. I can't call my friends long distance because these shitty fucking phones only make local calls. I can't smoke—"

"Did you get a nicotine patch?"

"Yeah I got a fucking nicotine patch, but...I...I..."

"You what?" Steve leaned forward.

"I smoke for like...stress and anxiety. I don't know how to deal here."

"Come to the rec room. If you get there early enough, you can take over the radio. And, you can play some ping pong with me."

"Ping pong?" Billy snorted.

"C'mon. You gotta try, alright?"

"But..."

"Look. If you cooperate and get out of here with me, I'll treat you to lunch. Wherever you wanna eat."

"Yeah?" For the first time in weeks, there was hope in Billy's eyes.

Steve nodded certainly. "Promise."

"Uh...Thanks for the clothes." Billy scooted next to Steve. "And the snacks."

"Anytime."

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I saw your one post where you were talking about deleting your blog and killing yourself and I just wanted to say i'm very happy that you didn't. I love your blog, and I always love seeing when you post and it's really helped me through some tough times (including now). Not only that, you seem like an absolutely wonderful person and the world should be thankful that you get to walk in it, I know I am. So take my hand and we'll get through this together, and know that I'm here rooting for you. Love you! 🌻🌼🌸🌹💐✨️

Yeah I ended up texting my mom at shit in the morning (zero sleep has been achieved so far, 35 hours and counting), telling her to come pick up the only pills that were likely to actually finish me off just in case. And she did, no questions asked. Because when you catch yourself counting those pills at 4AM and realize you have plenty, you gotta act before you do something stupid

[billy-crudup]

HELLO TOMORROW! 1x06 | The Numbers Behind the Numbers