#THE MENTAL SYMPTOMS ARE SO REAL

[thesylverlining]

Me when having an allergic reaction (like almost all the time until recently realizing a soy allergy): my god living is suffering. i despise every wretched horror of being conscious. i have no soul and no joy in my ancient brittle heart. also the room is spinning and my tongue is burning whats that about. death, i suppose. return me to the depths

Me when the bad shit is out of my system: (sings from nowhere while getting dressed) OOOHH LOVE, OOOOH LOVERBOY, WHATCHA DOIN TONIGHT, HEY BOY!!

[inkskinned]

i've been in pretty much constant pain for the past 4 months. i have a slipped disc. the mri this weekend finally confirmed what i'd already suspected. mostly, i just put up with it.

i've been in a pretty bad mental space since winter began. my brain is leaking out from between my ears. i just don't care enough to listen to the rabid wet whispering of hope. i'm mostly just bored of being here, the swaddled joyless apathy.

the back pain ebbs and flows, but it's there, so i take care of it. i do my physical therapy. i get in with a specialist. i'm lucky - there's no immediate need for surgery. it's bad, but it could be worse. when i talk about how i did it (it was a very bad sneeze), i usually start laughing. it's funny! i am never comfortable, but hey. i'm young. i'll bounce back, or so they keep saying.

i just found out it's not normal to wake up every night with a category-five panic attack. i'm lucky if i am still able to remember how to spell my name right. i spend my days in a weird blank haze, exhausted, desperate for respite - only to be unable to rest during the night. i say with a laugh - i really hate it when my mental illnesses start working together. i mean, sure. unionize. it's fine. i have lost all sense of myself. there's nowhere that's actually warm in my mind.

i feel bad how often i complain about my back. my friends immediately shush my apology. dude, you slipped a disc. continue complaining.

as a kid, i think i only really admitted to the bad things... twice. for some reason, when he didn't just dismiss it - it made my dad angry. he slammed a door at me. you're fucking ungrateful. what do you have to be sad for?

what an odd delight: the slipped disc gave me the oddest wave of relief. i'm allowed to actually hurt about this thing.

i have chronic conditions which aren't "real" things. i could write a novel on the weird ways people respond to my POTS & the rest of my fun physical acronyms. i am kind of ashamed to admit - i like the way it feels to be able to say well, because of a slipped disc. a slipped disc is a real thing. a slipped disc is serious and painful. there's diagrams and infographics about slipped discs. upon my diagnosis, they immediately offered me narcotics.

i haven't been able to get up out of bed for more than a few hours. i do less and less and less and less. i have started to sit down in the shower. sighing my way from deadline to deadline. this again. in one day and out the other. people tell me i don't really need my meds. i have run out of times saying i have depression, it's become almost transparent. it's so bad my therapist suggested meeting more than once a week, but i don't want to worry her, so i never finish setting up a second meeting. every creative spark in my soul has been entirely ravaged - but that's just capitalism, baby. i don't even take the day off of work. i just show up and do a bad job and get yelled at for it.

it's not real, after all. the pain is just imagined.

[usertoxicyaoi]

“When things first happened, I had insomnia. I had to take medication.” BETWEEN US (2022-2023) - Episode 12.

[skinnypaleangryperson]

My beautiful sexy Bojack case I went though the center of hell today to make. Absolutely worth it for him only.

[mad-hunts]

barton being awkward at first or even completely throughout a whole interaction whenever he's trying to comfort people is so in character for him TBH and let me tell y'all why because i think it's important to his character:

he can fake a lot of things. barton can fake being nice to people, he can fake being innocent, and he can even fake having a much stronger sense of morality around people if he wants to — but whenever it comes to empathizing with someone on an emotional level... barton finds himself often struggling with faking it because of the nature of it. and this is due to it being different than whenever he's trying to feign something easily comprehensible like innocence. but empathy is something that's usually viewed as innate in us as humans and has to do with love, which doesn't depend on logic. it's something that comes from within, so it doesn't have clear parameters as to how you should do it, so whenever barton tries to fake it in the event that he's trying to make someone feel better; he'll stumble. and so although barton can cognitively empathize with someone, his efforts to actually put himself in other people's shoes fall flat, as he just can't physically imagine himself being in someone else's position probably more than half the time.

so if your muse were to ever come to him seeming upset, barton would likely not know what to do / how to comfort them, at least for a bit before referencing back on how he's seen other people do it. because i hate to say it (i don't, in reality, but y'all know what i mean LOL) but barton does actively mimic behaviors that he sees people do whenever he feels the absence of a certain emotion. he especially does this whenever he's trying to appear charming to other people, but like i said, he'll also try to use what he's seen his peers do as a guide as for what he should do in regards to empathy. and sometimes he may even seem a bit flustered before he's able to do this because he knows that it is expected of him to be able to empathize with people and can identify it in other people BUT knowing how to approach faking it has always been sort of hard for him even as an adult.

but yeahhh, that's just my own two cents about how barton sometimes break character that he is quote unquote ' normal, ' though he does try to mask this around people who aren't really familiar with him as simply being social awkwardness. however, it is part of a larger thing with him as despite the fact that he can blend in with the population REALLY well and also is pretty good at manipulating others, i suppose you could say that barton is still not an expert at ' constructing empathy ' because whenever someone is visibly hurt in front of him... he is more liable to act like he isn't sure what to do, than to put on an act immediately since he is likely to feel nothing first before anything else. and i realize that that is a rather unsettling thought, but i think that he is a lot more suspectible to doing this with people he doesn't know well / who he isn't particularly close to, as he's got a lot more practice with being falsely empathetic towards friends and/or sometimes even family members.

[captainschaos]

CLETHO ENJOYERS HOW WE FEELING???????????!!!!!??!!??!!!!!!!

[dreamwinged]

every day feels like Wow i can’t keep doing this. yet somehow i KEEP DOING IT

[fluffypotatey]

discovered yesterday that the reason my mom disliked my kindergarten teacher wasn’t because she was rude to me, but because the teacher told her that i may be autistic

sooooooooooooooo

the clues were there all along

[stillfruit]

i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!

[jjsanguine]

Chalothorn: are you sure you aren't just crazy :) ?

Phaya: excuse me?

Chalothorn, saccharinely: I heard tell that you've been having strange dreams, hearing and seeing things that aren't real, and I really worry about what could happen if it isn't treated in the early stages :)

Phaya: storms off

Tharn, not privy to the above convo: ?

[blueheartedwolf]

I wish I could find a doctor that wants to find out what’s actually wrong with me instead of recommending prescriptions to address the symptoms. I’m so tired of being recommended ibuprofen for debilitating pain. Tired of relaying my medical history to a new doctor and getting the same furrowed brow and shrugging shoulders I get every time. Tired of having so-called medical professionals ask why I need a cane if I’m able to walk down their clinic hallway without it. When will someone fucking help me?

[jjkyaoi]

btw intrusive thoughts aren’t funny. just so we’re clear . like what is the punchline there what’s the bit. my intrusive thoughts have had me spiral for weeks thinking i’m a terrible person and i deserve to die because my brain convinces me i am/believe or think awful things. it’s all fun and games what if i dyed my hair at three am #intrusivethought until somebody says something that their brain intrusively, uncontrollably tells them that can’t be made into this manic pixie dream bit that u fuckers have conjured and then it’s disgusting and psychotic you guys suck

[itsabee]

Also one more thing about DID, I don’t like the implication in that ask that people are “faking” having fictives, even if it’s forced in some way they are still mentally ill people trying to contextualize themselves and their lived experience in a specific way. A lot of fictives I’ve known have started out as close to canon then slowly drifted away from it as they become more “themselves” because again. It depends on the system and the alters role in the system etc etc. there is no one size fits all, but of the few systems I’ve known with creepypasta/mh fictives, a server based around some aspect of canon was not healthy for them. I’m sure there are systems that can handle being in a fandom server but I have not met one yet.

[minty-bubblegum]

[arolesbianism]

See my vision

[kenmacel]

on tumblr i think i seem sound of mind and articulate but in real life my friends are begging me to find out what the fuck is wrong with my brain. which is funny to me. usually it's the other way around