#THIS IS GENUINELY THE HARDEST DECISION IVE EVER HAD TO MAKE IN MY LIFE

[thewritetofreespeech]

im down bad for the obey me brothers... idk if you write straight up nsfw, but if you do could i maybe get mc asking the brothers to finger her until she cums 👉🏻👈🏻 i saw someone ask this on another blog and ive been obsessed with this idea ever since. thank you in advance!

Just made it under the wire for Sexual Sunday!!!

Obey Me Boys + Naughty MC Headcanons (NSFW)

Lucifer

Startled initially, but delighted with your boldness

“You need only ask, my dear one.”

Would have you sit on his lap in his study where you asked him

No one is going to bother you in there because no one, besides you, would dare enter on their own

Once you’re settled he’d pull one glove off his hand with his teeth

His other hand is currently wrapped around your waist

Despite being gloved all the time, his touch is cool on your outer thigh

It slowly moved up your leg and under your uniform skirt

Moving to your inner thigh only when it was under the thin pleaded material

He’d gently urge your legs open, and start to stroke you

On the outside of your panties at first. Feeling them get moist

Then, when you were whimpering on his kneed, he’d slip his fingers past your panties and inside you

His touch is decisive and firm

Well practiced, he has you cumming in seconds or hours

Depends on his mood that day

Does not need you to reciprocate. He’ll get his eventually. Right now is about you

Mammon

Shocked, at first, but quickly tries to recover and act cool

“Ha. Of course you would come to The Great Mammon, and your first man, to take care of you doll.”

Would take you to his room; and be immediately embarrassed at the state it’s in

He wasn’t expecting company

He lays you down on the bed, nestled in his expensive Egyptian cotton sheets, and starts with a soft kiss.

He’d groan audibly when he pulled up your RAD skirt to see you wearing the designer underwear he bought you

Just for him

He’d keep them on and slip his hand down you panties

His touch is shy, at first

He wants to make sure he’s doing it right, what you like

When he starts to hear you moan and feel you buck up into his hand, he gets more confident

Mammon can’t keep his mouth shut to save his life. So it’s no different in bed

Whispers a lot of “you like that baby?”, “does that feel good?”, “you look so hot baby.” in your ear

When you do cum he feels very proud of himself

He’ll lay next to you and kiss you softly

Will ask you to return the favor cause he’s super hard now

Levi

Immediate panic attack

“W-W-Whaaaattt??!”

Doesn’t believe you, at first. Why would you want a gross otaku like him to do....that to you??

Once you convince him that you’re telling him the truth, then you have to convince him to actually do it

He’s red as a tomato

You’d have to go to your room because Levi can’t do it in front of his figurines

He doesn’t want them to see him being all ecchi

Tries to undress you, but his hands shake too much

You’ll have to take your panties, and whatever else, off yourself

Once you’ve reached the point of no return, he’ll screw his courage to the sticking place and go for it

You’re his precious Hime-sama. He’d do anything for you

Despite his nerves, he’s really good at this

All those hours of gaming have given his fingers incredibly dexterity

No one is more surprised than you when he has you cumming so face

Still super shocked that he did this with you, but also a little proud of himself

Wouldn’t dream of asking you to do anything for him. He’d die of embarrassment if he had to ask

Satan

Surprised to say the least, but attempts to remain calm

“Well if....that’s what you want....”

Would take you back to his room for privacy

Would need to clear off his bed of the dozen or so books on it, but would set you down carefully on the comforter

He’s a little nervous

He’s usually not a sexually person (like some idiots he could name)

But something about you lights a fire in him

It’s strange to be burning up inside with something other than anger

His touch is deliberate and sound

You’ve asked him to make you cum. And cum you shall.

He doesn’t pussy-foot around and gets right to the task of fondling you

His fingers stroking your clit. Jutting in and out of you rhythmically

He won’t admit how much it turns him on to hear you say his name, but he’ll ask you to say it again

Calls you his ‘little kitten’ when he asks if you’re going to come

When you do his chest swells with pride. Let’s see those idiots do that to you

Would be interested in reciprocation, but won’t ask for it. If you offer, he’d be willing. A gentleman doesn’t do favors for reward though.

Asmo

Delighted beyond measure

“Ah~! My sweet [Y/N]! How naughty!”

Asmo, of course, is the most eager to please you

You coming to him openly for pleasure is a rare treat

One he’s going to take advantage of

He’d take you to his room and lay you on his bed like the princess you are

Takes his time getting you out of your RAD uniform

He doesn’t want your clothes wrinkled. Plus he wants to see all of you.

Will kiss and tease any patch of skin he can get his hands on

As he said, this is a rare treat. He’s going to take advantage of it

His touch on your apex is as teasing as his kisses

They are infuriatingly light. But he knows what he’s doing

Asmo is obviously the most experienced

So he knows how to give his partner mind shattering orgasms

Will tease and taught and tempt you until your body bows off the bed and you’re practically gushing around his fingers

Would want you to reciprocate, or let him fuck you. Let’s both feel good together.

Beel

Turns about as red as his hair when you ask him.

"S-Sure. If you want.”

Would want to go it in your room. He doesn’t want Belphie to walk in on you two

Nervous

He’s not the most experienced out of the bunch

Until now, he’s only ever thought about eating, or working out, or his brothers

Not until you

Would let you lay yourself on the bed and cover over to you

He’s scared about crushing you

His touch is a bit clunky

His hands are big and rough, and he doesn’t know what to do with them

But, he’s earnest

He genuinely wants to make you feel good so he tries his hardest

Asks a lot of questions like “am I going this right?”, “does this feel good?”, “is this ok?” to make sure he’s doing it right

When you cum, he licks his fingers. Fascinated with what you taste like. You’re his new favorite flavor

Doesn’t ask you to reciprocate. Too embarrassed to ask. Just wants to hold you. That makes him feel good.

Belphie

Slow, sleepy blink followed by slow, sleepy grin

“Eeeeh...[Y/N]-chan. You’re a pervert.”

Would take you up to his attic room so you can be alone

There’s a sky light with stars that’s really romantic

He wants you to see stars before you see stars

Nuzzles you in bed to breath in your scent

He loves the way you smell

Takes off your uniform top and panties, but leaves your bra and skirt on

He likes your skirt. And you look sluttier half naked than fully naked

Will get right down to business on you

Touching you roughly to pull an orgasm out of you

But he doesn’t stop there

He’ll pull another. Then another. Until once where you were begging him to make you cum now you’re begging him to stop.

He thinks your whimpers, teetering between pleasure & pain, are so adorable

So is your puffy, swollen cunt

Won’t ask you to reciprocate. He’s already got off on your weak, gentle crying. Will hold you and snuggle you for the rest of the night.

[flawlesspeasant]

no instructions.

Like I said, I only write fanfiction when I’m feeling inspired and I’ve been feeling inspired with Jo’s recent depression in the show. I really wanted to see something from Alex’s point of view and I got carried away with loving, concerned husband Alex and ended up writing about Alex dragging Jo to therapy. ❤️ Enjoy!

There’s a lot of things they don’t tell you how to prepare for, and this is one of them.

I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s not like marriage comes with an instruction manual. To be honest, I spend most of my days going with the flow and learning as I go along.

Like when she leaves her hair on the bathroom floor and it feels like a white-hot branding iron was just put on my back. And I stomp to the bedroom to yell at her about taking five freaking seconds to pick up the goddamn broom and sweep up the mess before I have to go into work with a clump of her brown hair caked to my scrubs because that crap gets everywhere. Then, just as I’m ready to really give her the third degree, she’s lying on my side of the bed with her arm up under my pillow and her eyes are still closed and I think to myself, “what in the hell did I do to deserve her?” And all the anger melts away… something like putting an ice cube in the middle of a hot cup of coffee.

And also like when she drinks the last beer in the fridge but leaves the empty case there and it’s turned to the side in a way awkward enough to make me think that there’s still one left. It boils me up inside when I think that I’m going to come home after a long day of doing absolutely nothing at the hospital and crack open an ice cold brew, only to find that she dusted the last one off and gave me all kinds of false hope by leaving the empty six pack carton in the fridge. And just when I’m about to bust in the bathroom, rip the shower curtain back and yell at her for the umpteenth time about just throwing the damn case away, I stop in my tracks and can’t help but smile because through the sound of the water running, all I hear is her singing “it’s getting hot in here! So take off all your clothes!” and all I can think about is how I still can’t believe that I somehow tricked this goofball into marrying me. And I’m not so angry about the beer anymore.

See, it’s nothing like the first time I walked down the aisle and made somebody my wife. The time I married Iz, I mean.

When I married Iz, everything was a breeze. There weren’t any tough decisions and in truth, I had it easy. At the time, I sure thought that it was as hard as it would get and marriage was a horrible thing that I just so happened to get roped into. Back then, you couldn’t convince me that marriage was beautiful. Nobody on this earth could make me believe that it was great.

But that was when it was easy. With Izzie, it was easy. But with Jo, everything about this whole marriage thing is hard. And I can’t help but wonder if maybe — just maybe — it’s because for the first time in my life, I genuinely give a crap about her more than I give a crap about myself.

I mean, when you look at it, that makes sense… doesn’t it?

I didn’t need instructions when I married Izzie because marrying Izzie was easy and marrying Izzie was easy because I didn’t care about her enough.

At least not the way I care about Jo.

I spent the entire day wondering about that. Wondering why my marriage to Izzie wasn’t as hard on me as my marriage to Jo.

I asked Mer today at lunch why she thought that was and she didn't know what I meant. She thought I was trying to say that I regretted marrying Jo and I had to walk away when she implied that because that was the first time I’d been so pissed off in a while.

But I guess that was my fault because I couldn’t really explain to her what I meant by that.

What I meant was, why is my mind at home with Jo when before, it wouldn’t be?

All day today, I tried my hardest to be present with my patients. I listened to heartbeats and lungs, threw a diagnosis or two out there and administered and IV or two.

Yet all I could think about was how I knew my wife was at home in bed. She told me she was sick, but because I know Jo better than Jo knows herself sometimes, I knew that she was lying. If the tear streaks on her cheeks didn’t give that away, then the way her clothes don’t quite fit right anymore did.

And while I should have been paying attention to the actual sick people under my care, my mind wasn’t even in my head because all I wanted to know was if my wife was eating. Or if she had gotten out of bed yet. If she had showered. I could’ve given someone the wrong meds today and I genuinely wouldn’t have cared, as long as it meant that she had at least taken a bite of a piece of toast today.

Anyone who knows me knows how hard it is for me to give up control. But I did that yesterday because that’s just how badly I need her to be okay. Sure, I wish I was the person who could miraculously make her okay. I wish I could pull her out of whatever hell hole she’s been in the past few days, but I can’t. And if I can’t, then I have to hope that there’s somebody who can.

So, needless to even say how much I hoped that when I slid open the door to the loft, I would see her the way she used to be. I wanted to see her and Link sitting on the couch laughing, because he was my last resort. I wanted her beautiful hair to be brushed again and for my socks to be full of the clumps she left on the floor. And I wanted to open the fridge to find no more beer because she drank it all again.

And when I opened the door and heard the sound of her laughter echoing off the walls, I swear I still don’t know what stopped me from bum-rushing Link and hugging him because he did it. He really did it. He brought my beautiful, lively girl back.

Only he didn’t.

And that’s why we’re here.

I still don’t know if this was the “right” thing to do. And to be honest, I don’t know if she’s going to hate me after this or not. But I’m desperate now. Maybe even past desperate.

She sits across the room with her arms folded across her chest and her head down, still refusing to sit next to me. One half of her hair is still in knots, because she wouldn’t let me brush the other half after I told her that I was taking her to see a doctor. And nobody’s said anything but I can feel the eyes on her fuzzy purple pajama pants. It wasn’t pretty, but I told her I was bringing her “as is.” She resisted me a bit when I scooped her up and put her in the car.

“Karev?” the short little blonde calls from the door in the corner and, mostly out of habit, I stand up too.

Jo stands up so slowly that I wonder if she forgot that she could stand. It’s so quiet in this room that I can actually hear her bones shift and crack. I start to wonder how long it’s actually been since she’s walked on her own.

She takes one step without me and it’s like someone put a blanket around me and I didn’t realize I was cold and shivering until they did. I’m calmer now, just knowing that she’s even slightly agreeing to go. So I start to sit back down in my chair.

Only, she doesn’t let me.

She hasn’t spoken a word to me since we left the house nearly 45 minutes ago, but she doesn’t have to talk to let me know what she wants.

She puts her hand against mine before I can sit down all the way, and suddenly I’m not as soft as I was a second ago. A second ago, I felt like butter on toast. And in that same instant of my wife putting her hand against mine — of my wife telling me that she needs me — I’m solid again.

Because she needs me to be her rock.

She still doesn’t say anything the whole way back. We walk past a few doors; some open and some shut. Down a long hallway full of pictures of cheap plants and crap like that. And when we finally make it to the room we’re going to be in, Jo takes the seat closest to the door, like she always does. Closest to the exit. Always. And it sounds crazy, I know. But that little gesture — that little moment of her doing something so predictably her — is enough to let me know that my girl is still in there somewhere.

“So,” the therapist says as she shuts the door behind her. “If at any time you want your husband…?”

“Alex,” I mumble with a nod.

“Right,” she grins and nods back. “If at any time you want Alex to step out, just say so.” She sits at the desk across from both me and Jo and nudges a pair of glasses on. “This is our first session together, so I’m just going to really try to get to know you, Josephine. Or… Jo? Do you have a preference?”

Jo shrugs, so I — “Jo. She likes to be called Jo.”

“I see,” she nods again. “So… Jo. Just basics. What do you do for a living? I see you’re a… surgical fellow. Do you have a specialty?”

Jo just stares through the wall, blank. I reach over to hold her hand and she pulls it away.

“She um… she has a fellowship in future medicine. Which means she —“

“I would like to hear from Jo,” she says. We both turn toward her and we both know that she’s not going to say anything. So the therapist moves on to a different question. “We can always come back to your professional life when you’re ready. We can start with your personal life. What’s your marriage like? Are you happy?”

Jo nods, which is something and it’s something the therapist seems to run with.

“Any children?”

Jo and I both shake our heads at the same time.

“Ever been pregnant? Any history of miscarriages or abortions? Anything?”

I shake my head to answer that because I really don’t think Jo will and of course I know the answer to that.

Except, I guess I don’t.

Because Jo nods her head.

And for a split second, all I feel is anger. Coursing through my body. Like it replaced my blood.

Only for a split second, though.

In the next instant, all I feel is —

“Alex?” The therapist calls my name, which slaps me back to reality too quickly for me to really process… anything.

“What!?” I accidentally snap.

“Could you… step out?”

“She didn’t —“

“Alex,” the therapist says again. And this time, I trace her eyes to Jo’s eyes.

Jo’s eyes are low. Blank. Lifeless. But she is looking at me. Which is more than I can say for the past few days.

“Please.” The therapist says. And I’m waiting for Jo to put her hand on mine again, waiting for her to let me know that she wants me to stay again.

But she doesn’t. And before I can process anything, my legs are up out of my chair. And I’m out in the hallway. And my mind is off in a thousand different directions.

I swear, all marriage is to me is being scared every second of the day. It’s like having a piece of my heart walking around outside my body and I spend my every waking moment worried and hoping that the little piece of my heart — the piece that I know is depressed — is okay.

If I ever had any doubt of how much Jo has changed every inch of who I used to be, it’s this. Right here.

Because as much as I feel the old me — the me that’s still there just buried underneath everything that has grown — ready to rage because apparently my wife has been pregnant and I don’t know about it….

I just walk back to the waiting room and wait. For the next hour that Jo’s in therapy, I know my head is going to be a mess. I’m going to be wondering when she was pregnant and why I didn’t know. Trying to piece together a timeline that makes sense for me to have missed the signs. Trying to wonder if she was saying yes to having had a miscarriage or if she said yes to having had an abortion.

Yeah, I’m angry. Angry that my wife didn’t tell me something like this.

But more than that….

I just want my Jo to be okay.

[magicalusuki]

progen dragon sharing, inspired by a post by @goannafr that ive had in my drafts since may 12th of this year! wow i am good at being late

varsha- custom progen

so the colors i chose for varsha.... well, i didnt choose them. which is fully. i was in school in the middle of a movie in health class, and id snuck onto my phone and made an fr account because the registration window was about to close and i was going to be busy the rest of the time it was open, or maybe i was just too impatient.

i didnt realize you could even change the colors of the dragon- i just chose the breed and my flight (wind), and actually moved to ice almost immediately after because wind was such an impulse decision. 

i actually hated her colors once i realized that i could have picked them myself, because i would have probably made a seafoam/rose dragon. but now i love her. it might have been cool if she at least had a different blue for the wings, so if i could remake her (and assume she got the same tert) i would give her storm wings. it brings out that gray tert in a really cool way and just makes her a biiit more interesting. i mean, look at that! it look great with her apparel, too.

i chose to make her a fae, because i though that they were cute. i didnt like any of the other starter breeds when i joined because i was a coward. i wanted the cutesiest dragons ever, which is funny considering now varsha is super badass

i had like... the vaguest clue of what fr was, because i was in the neopets community and a ton of the blogs i followed were into it, but i didnt really understand it in depth. fun fact! my original username was twinkling. 

exaltation

so when i first joined fr, from what i remember we had... very few tert options. i believe we had basic, crackle, underbelly and circuit? and with varsha’s tert being grey, and yukienne’s being denim... basically nothing looked even slightly decent.

on top of this, i really wasnt in the forums or community much at all- so i wasnt aware that maybe exalting your progens wasnt a great plan, and how special they can be. and i certainly wasnt thinking about future genes. i mean, its been 5 years and STILL the best tert for varsha is stained and i dont particularly love any i have for yukienne!  ive grown to like stained on varsha, but for real. even irishim couldnt save that grey tert, and i used to be OBSESSED with irishim

.im not against geneing yukienne fully and i have a few options planned, but denim is not.... its not an easy color to work with, which sucks because sky and violet work together so well, and then you have this random greenish-grayish blue. why. which is why he is not gened at all because oh my god. please fr give me something that makes denim purpley ill die for you

this is his current most likely scry but im still... not sold... at least sky is one of my favorite colors on site! hes still a pretty lucky random progen all things considered, i know some people were truly cursed. they also have a pretty okay range, so thats nice! i brought these guys back as quick as possible and was so excited i got the option so do so.

lore and clan roles

in the end, exaltation gave my progens a lot of character- although i was so upset about having done it for literal years, lol. my clan lore felt super weak up until bringing them back.

varsha is clan leader, but im undecided about yukiennes role- all i know is that he did essentially abandon varsha in exaltation and didnt actually fight to earn his right back to this plane, and she resents him for that. i can imagine they did talk initially about him rising up the politcal ladder rather than being involved in the war itself, and i imagine initially he was actually quite gentle and perhaps a bit skittish- she had more pity for him then, and understood he wouldnt fare as well. maybe she even thought it would help his confidence. but seeing him live a bejeweled life as she fought endlessly.... well, thats just not great. on top of it, he sees himself as responsible for their return, not acknowledging varshas efforts, and he does this despite the fact that there was no evidence of it.  so yukienne likely doesnt do much in the clan, and i imagine varshas bodyguard- nevara- keeps an eye on him until or if varsha decides hes trustworthy to help. in the end, he doesnt especially want to do things for the clan anyways- he doesnt feel the dedication that varsha does, and though varsha doesnt realize it hes worn himself. hes tired of lies and a political lifestyle, and i dont imagine hes as confident as he might come off- its likely more a force of habit, and in saying it was because of him they got home, he just more than anything wants validation that his suffering was just as painful and he worked just as hard as varsha. but she really cant see that. in her eyes, hes still sitting on a pedestal, lying and spoiled rotten. even if now hes just lost and tired more than anything else.

varsha obviously is very strong willed and stubborn, and sometimes has difficulty empathizing with others- particularly those she perceives as having caused her harm. shes not especially friendly, and a bit paranoid. still she cares a lot about others, particularly her clan members who she views as her responsibility, and so she pushes away her own feelings best she can. shes more prone to trust those from wind than from any other flight, and is working on her distrust of those from ice. 

she has a close bond to nevara due to her wind heritage and time spend together on the battlefield, and trusts her deeply. she also deeply trusts aer, the very dragon that first found her and yukienne, and the only from the clan at the time that did not know of her exaltation until it was too late. she appreciates the effort on her behalf to keep the clan in order and understands aer was also very hurt by what her clan members had done, and is glad to have someone from that time who had missed her. 

varsha also finds amaryllis sort of cute and charming.the wind heritage probably helps yet again in this case, but even beyond that, she appreciates someone so unfit for the role trying their very hardest to play leader to keep their clan together in her absence. she sees her somewhat like a little sibling, despite not having a large gap in age.

since mako worked so close to both amyrllis and aer during her absence, she was one of the first ice flight members in their clan that she warmed to. with her optimistic and free spirited attitude, and the fact that shes still willing to work in a political position (unlike amaryllis, who was happy to retire) she helps to balance out varshas negative views of people and also is very useful in giving intel and helping create strong bonds between their clan and others, since varsha... would probably never do so on her own, but does see the necessity.

yukienne, at this point, lives a fairly solitary lifestyle. being rejected by the person he admires most as well as feeling he betrayed and failed her, he sees himself unworthy of deeper relationships. at the same time, he is stubborn and unwilling to discuss and feels he doesnt deserve sympathy or to explain his side. all interactions and relationships he has are shallow. at the very least, he is genuinely very proud of his appearance, so thats probably the one thing he has actual confidence in.

[alexithymiasnook]

07292019

Letter You'd Probably Never Read

I've never been vocal as to what goes inside my head after we ended things, maybe that's just how a Cancer like me is wired. Now I am writing all of it and was actually hoping I could watch you read it but was so scared of the outcome I backed out that very last minute. I wrote this in the hopes that we can talk about all of these and not just brush it aside with a statement of "we are just friends."

Disclaimer: I dont have any hidden agenda with this. I just want it all out there for my sanity plus I've put everything I ever thought about us in here. To remind you of how beautiful our story was once even though it was and still is pretty fucked up.

You came unexpectedly. I never though I'd fall in love again but much more so for someone to actually return those feelings even with all the baggages I have. I never regretted falling for you because frankly, those times with you were the best I had. All those late night and early morning talks we have plus midnight rendezvous. Those failed eat outs or getaways. I love all of it. Even though at the back of my head I know we eventually had to stop, I couldnt help but hope and pray that we could be together officially one day. That you'd get to finally be with me.

But then we had to stop and it was so abrupt I lost my footing. For a second there, I lost myself. I cried to HIM asking what exactly do I have to do to keep you, that if He made this brilliant plan of us meeting, then why are we supposed to end up like this? Why do I have to meet you and fall for you when HE knows we would end up walking away from each other. I was angry. I was hurt. But little by little, as I continue to write all my feelings on peoms and random writings and continue to pray for all of these feelings, I survived.

I still wake up at 2am wanting to give you a ring and just talk about anything just because I miss you. I still go back to old conversations we have because I miss your I love yous and I miss yous. I honestly want these feelings to go away so I can fully say that Im your friend without all the malice. Because us at that 711 store eating a tub of ice cream while we laugh or pour our hearts out is something I dont want to loose. That's the realtionship I want with you in the most genuine and purest form.

I try pushing all of these feelings aside by putting up a front and mastering all the courage to talk about your GF like it isn't hurting me. Thinking that talking about her so casually is going to make everything flow according to plan - us just being just friends without feelings getting in the way. It worked for a while, but when you had that Baguio trip with her that we've been planning for months, it just blew up in my face. But I picked myself up again and mended my own brokenness (ang drama LOL).

I know you're trying your hardest to go back to the loyal good boyfriend that you were before I screwed everything up, but what exactly are we doing? Dont get me wrong, I love spending time with you, but Im confused. We say we're friends but we are kind of more than that. It's just like before, minus the call sign "babe" and i love yous and i miss yous and late night talks and the sneaking around, but is it just me or is the feelings still there?

You seem to say one thing but do another. You say we cant be together but sometimes act like there's still a possibility of us. Ive always been honest with you. I may not have been very open about what I feel but I show you exactly what im feeling.

So the purpose of this really is - what's your plan? With me? With us? I want to keep you in my life because its just so normal, natural and comfortable with you and I dont want to loose that. You are one of the few constant people in my life and I dont want these feelings or our crazy decisions get in the way of that.

I told you before, if you get to do what you have to do in a year or so and still have the same feelings for me and vice versa then come back to me. I can hear you saying "im not that special" line of yours loud and clear but sue me, I felt how genuine we used to be. That for me is enough to know that these feelings are real.

I've been going in circles with this, sorry. I just want to know where I stand in your life. It will be selfish for you indeed to tell me to wait but at least I know I still have that same person who used to call me in the middle of the night because he misses me and doesn't want the day to end without talking to me. But if you tell me you dont feel the same as before and you truly want to be just friends and you want to fix your relationship with your GF, I'll respect that.

You won't get rid of me that easily though, because no matter what you answer me, I'm staying. Despite those hard times that I miss you and I cant do anything about it, or the times I want nothing else but to be officially yours and vice versa but that perfect framed picture of you with your gf stares right at me, I'm staying. I will eventually get over this feeling, you did, so could I.

And remember when things go bad, or when things are pure bliss or even when things are plainly steady I'll be that one person you can always run to. i'm still going to be that constant person in your life. No matter how tall you build your walls around you, I won't only break through them, I'll destroy it completely. And no matter how many times you push me away, dude, I'm here to stay.

[quinns-puddin]

I feel so completely alone

It was only last night. I was feeling kind of okay. I didnt know what to except. But it hurts. So so so so so bad. I had a dream that I reached out to him. Of course it was a weird dream land dream, but we talked. Even though it was just about going to some Spanish rice festival, I loved it. I hate this. Its going to be so hard and I dont want to do it. Im waiting to post these because I dont want him to see and feel like I'm trying to make him feel anything. I really want whats best. I strongly believe we could have stayed together. But you cant force anyone to do anything. You never can. I hope, from the bottom of my heart he finds happiest. I love this boy harder than Ive ever loved someone before. I got his name tattooed on me, i know I joked about how it was a bad decision but i never hated it. I never wanted it covered up. I always loved it. Because I really loved him and I was so ready for that tattoo to just be my last name in the future. Its really hard. When youre so in love and everything changes with the snap of a finger. Maybe a week ago we were planning our wedding. I just bought his christmas gift. We were finalising plans to go to disney after christmas. I have no idea what the next step is. My blog isnt going to be the same for a while. I doubt Ill post pictures of myself. And if i seek out help, know that its never sexual. I need genuine friends, even if theyre online. Thank you...

I lied. It hurts it hurts so extremely bad. It's so hard to just move on with life and it's so hard to just drive this car at the four hours home. I don't want to do this and I didn't want to lose him. Ever. I love you so much and I will never stop loving you one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. For once I don't feel hope that we'll be together again. I'm so extremely pointed in myself because I truly feel like I completely messed it up. Like because of me I will never get the chance to hug you or kiss you I love you ever again.. I ruined my own happiness. I did it again

[ocean-skies]

open journal entry

I have definitely been struggling to write this all down... between my distractions and my pride, i have too much and not enough to write down. At first, I was going to completely dig up everything... I was gonna touch more on the toxic relationship I just removed myself from, and kind of vent about the existential i guess realizations i haven't really explained all of to anyone. i've been nervous about someone seeing my innermost thoughts(why not keep it to myself? kept in secret in my own journal) but maybe it can help someone to share some of it. maybe it will help me. or maybe i should do it just because it takes me out of my comfort zone. anyways, im just gonna jump into it and get hella personal before i overthink it more so if i know you personally, this isn’t exactly something I feel is healthy to dwell and talk on anymore after this. even though the story of the end of my relationship with my ex last month goes a long while before this, what started to turn my life upside down recently was when i started short term therapy, which i'm hoping to increase. i thought it would help to go to get some advice on coping with my anxiety, and secretly, to get some objective advice on what i was only beginning to suspect was a toxic relationship. my counselor pointed out to me the emotional manipulation i was being subjected to, and why i was letting it happen... she pointed me in a direction that would start to change my entire perspective on my life. when i told her about the way my mother is and was to me growing up, she pointed out to me how spot on the way i turned out ended up being when you're the daughter of a mother with narcissistic personality disorder. why i have so much anxiety and why i'm such a pushover and especially susceptible to not just attracting toxic relationships in my life, but desiring them. the familiar is most comfortable, whether it's what is healthy for us or not, and recognition of that has only been the first step. I began after this to really analyze everyone in my life, especially my gf at the time. I knew I was being taken for granted, and that i was not taking a lot of red flags as seriously as i should have. But I didn't even know where to begin to address it. The battles i faced daily for 18 years of my life shaped me into someone who avoids confrontation as a means of survival. i have gotten better, and i thought i was past the point of not being able to speak up and say no to things that make me uncomfortable, but it's still a struggle. as experiences where im taken advantage of make me ever more uncomfortable, i get a little closer each time to handling it the right way. Sometimes, it takes an especially frustrating experience to really push me, such as one i had with a new friend at a kickback who took advantage of my inability to be firm especially while intoxicated so she could continue unwanted physical sexual contact. i felt uncomfortably taken advantage of, as small of a transgression as it was, and it was because i recognized how weak i was through my submission to someone I was supposed to be comfortable with because of my fear of offense, of saying no. that same get together, i grew close with a girl i met there, and i started to repeat the toxic cycle I find myself in. right in front of me i saw myself growing towards someone absolutely unavailable, which i realized was one of my problems- i was seeking the (especially emotionally) unavailable. all of this happened throughout the end of may into june, while I was in an open relationship with my ex who barely talked to me, but that wasn't even the beginning of my journey with addressing what was in front of me with them and finding the strength to let go. It broke my heart to let go, and i still feel guilty to have been the one to ask for my ex back last january and then be the one to give up this last june, but i know what is going to be healthiest for me. I was fighting for someone emotionally unavailable who led me on that they could be open, and that they could change. I ignored all the early red flags, like the blatant and serious lying, feeling myself turn into someone I didn’t want to be, their serious inability to commit and lack of respect held for me as well as being taken for granted. Their inability to communicate, even when we needed it most and more lies and excuses for inexcusable behavior. I fell victim to the sweet promise of change, of going back to the way things were before true colors were shown. I ignored for so long what it meant when they could make time for their friends but never for me, not even when we had not seen or hardly spoken to eachother in weeks, with our interactions slowly diminished into them being glued to their phone when we would finally get to hang out, mostly ignoring my repeated attempts at conversation for a couple hours until they wanted me to fuck them. i feel sad that i put so much energy towards someone who wanted me to fight for them, who expected me to run after them, yet still refused to even look back or fight for me when i was the one leaving. refused to even react, just sit in their room and be fine. Its only been an affirmation of toxicity. giving up is hard for me, and giving up the love i feel for someone is the hardest decision i have ever made, but the sickness in my relationship made it easy, once i started to recognize it and see that I deserve an equally reciprocated love. i was stuck on all this for a while, but now the wounds are healing and i can assess the damage and try to grow. i have always had a big soft heart, a softness someone would be lucky to have despite the pain I have endured. But my heart is finally too tired of trying to be loved- it's grown cold in a way that that i'm reluctant to recover from. Ive come to terms that my mother will never love me unconditionally, and the same with my father, and with it is my drive to believe in and seek out a love like that elsewhere, a love that could match the kind I want so badly to give. I finally know what its like to have walls up in my heart that have a solid foundation, walls that even I, who alone knows every weakness in it, can see it as almost to impenetrable for comfort. I have no desire anymore for those who can't show me that i'm wanted just as equally in their life, a desire that has me leaving many behind. I've begun the recognition stage with everyone in my life now, and i'm learning the value of watching for the people who genuinely want me in their lives enough to make real effort and letting go of those who don't have my best interests in mind and can't participate in a healthy and equal giving/reciprocating relationship. but managing my relationships is only a small sliver of my journey, and counseling has taught me that. the solution to all of my problems lies within myself already. when i hit rock bottom i realized just how much weight i put into my relationships, and especially the wrong ones, and that has been a major building block for my journey. learning to love myself, by myself, is just as important to my healing process as identifying the issues that come from my upbringing. learning to peacefully live with myself, which includes my anxieties and shortcomings, is the only way to start a path away from choosing the wrong people in my life, and letting them affect me so greatly. i can't focus on someone else in the way they deserve without first coming from a healthy mindset ready to take on that challenge. i've been improving and working on that, and progress has definitely been good 👌🏼i'm no longer self harming and having ideations because of anyone else's actions, and i've finally got a crucial lesson through my head: nobody except for myself is going to make me better. no amount of anyone else's advice or support will make me secure enough in myself to overcome my anxiety, and i can't wait for someone to come along and help me, i have to do it myself and move on. because nobody will be there, that sign will never come and i only have myself for sure in my life, and only I can go that extra mile for myself. i have to work on the very way i think, and i can't blame myself for the steps i have to take to get there. it's hard not comparing my journey to someone else's but i have to remember that my journey towards happiness is mine alone, and learning to be happy alone is the first step. it's been hard for those who know me to understand when i work on being alone, and i do feel sorry for how not responding to them can make them feel but i know what i need to do in my daily life to work on overall happiness and to maintain my emotional individuality, as it's something i'm often too quick to give up. so that's it's for now, this was a long one lol and i don't think i'll edit it since i'm tired of writing so i'll start smaller stuff later 

[ninamoo]

on death... and life.

It’s been a hard couple days. And it’s hard to write this without tearing up or being emotional. Last night, one of the patients that I was taking care of was placed on comfort care. That’s basically when we don’t really do any interventions to keep the patient alive; we are only providing care so that the patient can die peacefully. Like cleaning them, repositioning them, and giving them medications so that they can breathe a little easier… things like that. As one can imagine, that is not an easy decision to make. By the time my shift started, the patient had a hell day.. even though he couldn’t communicate that.. I am sure it was hell. It had only been a few hours since they made the decision and family members were driving from hours away. I really did not know what was going to be in store – this was my first patient that I ever took care of on comfort care, and I also had to keep track of everything in my other patients. Around 9pm, the family said they were ready for him to start “the medications”. I want to remember here that this family was one of the sweetest, kindest, and most thankful group of people I have gotten to know and actually form a special relationship with.

Morphine is one of the meds we give because it helps patients with chest pain, helps them breathe easier, and overall just allows them to be comfortable. Comfortable in dying. That is the raw, hard truth. I wish I didn’t have to be that way. It was just the hardest thing to talk about because I could feel the fear in their decision making. There’s a lot of fear that starting a morphine drip could kill them. Or could make him worse than he already was. Would giving this morphine speed up his death process? But if we don’t give it, will he be suffering? And that’s something I really can’t answer. They knew I couldn’t, but I think they wanted an answer. They all needed time to process… and so did I. They genuinely asked me what my opinion was and what I would do if it was my own grandfather… I don’t think I want to see anyone suffering in pain and in agony. They agreed that we should start giving small doses of morphine just to see how he did. When I went in to give the first dose, their family was surrounding him and praying for him. And I couldn’t help but pray with them too. And then they all watched me as I pushed the morphine into his IV, into his small fragile body. ‘Papa, we’re not making you go.. we just don’t want you to suffer’. I kept, and still do, think about this moment in which I am just a nurse giving an IV medication versus someone who is pushing a medication that is supposed to let someone die. That someone is a husband, a father, a grandfather, a beloved. It was very difficult. I know they wanted it, I know they wanted to see him get better.. but I couldn’t make him better. She asked me if I could come in every hour to give more of the morphine, even if she was sleeping. So I did and it was scary. I was scared that he would pass away as I was doing this, or that he would pass away when I was out of the room and not notice until the next hour. With each time, I looked at him and I just really, really, really wished I knew that he was okay. That he was comfortable. That his soul was at peace. That his soul was joyful for the love that he instilled in his family. And to know that they got to spend this time together celebrating him. That he is sooo loved beyond measure and our Lord is waiting to welcome him into the gates of heaven. I think he knows. I am sure he knows.

I think I held it together pretty well overnight.. up until 7:25 AM. Haha couldn’t last 5 more minutes until the end of shift. I was handing off to the next nurse and when I left.. the wife asked for one more thing before I left: a hug. And I just immediately broke down crying haha. I think this is why I want to do what I do. The relational part and being able to form those special relationships with people. I really didn’t even know these people existed a week ago, but now they have a special place in my heart. There are crappy and hard moments, like the entire 12 hours of this shift, but it is trickled with beautiful moments of laughter, joy, and building relationships. And being able to loveeee endlessly, love selflessly – I think that is what Christ wants us to do always.

 I don’t think it gets easier. I hope it doesn’t get easier. If it does, I think that means I lost something along the way.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Inspiration from 7 Up, Lauren Oliver, Julien Baker, and More

Once a month (or so), I share a dozen things that have inspired me to greater personal, professional, and financial success in my life. I hope they bring similar success to your life. 1. Thoreau on happiness Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder. Henry David Thoreau I spent a lot of years of my life chasing happiness, believing that I could somehow build a happy life. What I learned is that such an endeavor is basically impossible. Instead, you should try to build a life thats in line with what your values and principles are, and what youll find is that happiness naturally bubbles up as you get closer and closer to that destination. Happiness is a side effect of doing something worthwhile. When you do worthwhile things, happiness occurs naturally. If you chase happiness for happinesss sake, youll never actually catch it. [embedded content] From the Wikipedia entry on the series: The Up Series is a series of documentary filmsproduced by Granada Television that have followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were seven years old. So far the documentary has had eight episodes spanning 49 years (one episode every seven years) and the documentary has been broadcast on both ITV and BBC. In a 2005 Channel 4 programme, the series topped the list of The 50 Greatest Documentaries. The children were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at that time, with the explicit assumption that each childs social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, films material from those of the fourteen who choose to participate. The last installment, 56 Up, premiered in May 2012; Apted has stated that filming for 63 Up will occur in late 2018, for release in spring 2019. Apted has also been reported as saying: I hope to do 84 Up when Ill be 99. The aim of the series is stated at the beginning of 7 Up as: Why do we bring these children together? Because we want to get a glimpse of England in the year 2000. The shop steward and the executive of the year 2000 are now seven years old. The video embedded above (if you cant see it, you can reach it by clicking on the link) is the full documentary 7 Up, which covers the fourteen children as they were in 1964, as seven year olds. Each subsequent entry in the series revisits most of the children at seven year intervals in their lives, as things go in different directions for them. I watched these for the first time as a marathon in around 2002, when 42 Up was the newest entry available; I watched the entire series again a few years later after 49 Up was released, and yet again with the making of 56 Up. Each time it utterly charmed me and left me thinking about the fragility and difficulty and beauty of human lives. A few days ago, a friend of mine pointed out that all of the films were freely available on Youtube, so theres no reason not to dive in. This Youtube list contains the entire series, starting with 7 Up and continuing through 56 Up, the most recent entry. 3. Lauren Oliver on the whole of people I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people; to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole. Lauren Oliver I feel like this is a good quote to pair with 7 Up, actually. In that series and in fact, throughout our lives we get only relatively small glances at these people. We see only little slivers of their lives. Even with the best efforts of the filmmakers, this would be true; a filmmaker visiting a person for a few days once every seven years cannot capture their true nature. Yet, as I watch those films, I cant help but draw some conclusions. I think I would be friends with some of them, and Id probably avoid other ones. Those quick takes may or may not be accurate. Im making them based on really limited information about a person. I might be seeing that person at their best or at their worst. I might be seeing a quirky moment thats not emblematic of them as a whole. Its impossible to really tell. What I do know is this: some of the worst mistakes Ive made in life have been due to snap judgments about people, almost all of them more negative than they ever should have been. I drew some very negative conclusions about people and guided my behavior regarding them based on very little information mixed in with my own ideas and assumptions, and it has cost me many potential dear relationships over the years. The tiny part of a person that you actually see is a pretty poor representative of the whole. This article by Jason Fagone chronicles the store of Jerry and Marge Selbee, who, in their retirement, discovered and then exploited holes in the Michigan and Massachusetts state lottery systems. I found myself reading this article one evening while Sarah was busy grading papers, and I couldnt help but mention to her that this is literally the kind of thing that I can see us doing in retirement. Were both curious people who like to understand how systems work. We arent afraid to take big leaps of faith on things that we feel certain about. Id like to think that Sarah and I, in our later years, will go on a lot of quirky adventures, like Jerry and Marge. Im also sharing this because its just a fun story, a well written one by Jason Fagone. This ones really worth your time. 5. Benjamin Franklin on apologies Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Benjamin Franklin One of the hardest things to do is to genuinely apologize when youve made a mistake and not turn it into an excuse or an avenue for blaming others. Anything beyond I messed up is simply a way to deflect blame off of yourself and, in the process, make the apology a lot less valuable. An apology that ends up being nothing more than a redirection of blame or an excuse of a mistake is a worthless apology; in fact, youre often leaving things in an even worse state because the other person perceives that you wont own up to your mistakes. When you mess up, apologize sincerely without excusing your mistake or blaming others. Admit that you messed up, state that youre sorry for it, and that you want to do what you can to make it right and to make sure it wont happen again. Make it clear that its on you, not on anyone else. Its hard to do that. Its much easier to just shovel the blame onto someone or something else. If you do that, though, you eliminate virtually all of the meaning of the apology and look pretty weak to boot. [embedded content] From the description: Do you know what you want when you die? Do you know how you want to be remembered? In a candid, heartfelt talk about a subject most of us would rather not discuss, Michelle Knox asks each of us to reflect on our core values around death and share them with our loved ones, so they can make informed decisions without fear of having failed to honor our legacies. Life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now, Knox says. We need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy so we can take the emotion out of it and then we can learn not just what is important, but why its important. This whole video harkens back to a big theme Ive come to really understand in my life in the last few years. The best time to talk about something is when youre as far away from emotion as possible regarding that thing. So, for example, dont talk about death when youre sick. Talk about it when youre healthy and vibrant, so theres as little emotion as possible in the subject. When youre talking to your parents about aging, dont do it at their moment of weakness. Wait for a time of strength, when theyre feeling as healthy and unemotional as possible, and then have that discussion. Dont talk about a marital problem when youre both riding the wave of that problem. Talk about it when youre getting along well and youre far away from that problematic area emotionally. This is a key life lesson, one that has stuck with me over the years, and this video really highlights that idea. 7. Roy T. Bennett on self-improvement and criticism Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others. Roy T. Bennett Unless criticism is asked for, criticism of others is rarely a worthwhile endeavor. It achieves very little and often has the opposite effect of what you desire, with the recipient ignoring the content of what youre saying and just being upset with you. Hold it in. If you dont have something worthwhile to say, then dont say it at all. That doesnt mean that one should never criticize. A person should definitely criticize from time to time, but it should generally be at the invitation of the person who seeks criticism and is looking for ways to improve. Brutal honesty doesnt achieve anything worthwhile. [embedded content] From the description: In March of 2016, just a handful of months after her debut album Sprained Ankle was released, Julien Baker came and played a quiet, thoughtful Tiny Desk concert that went on to become one of our most popular and certainly one of the most-talked-about Tiny Desk Concerts of the year. (Its now approaching two million views on YouTube alone.) Fast forward to the summer of 2017, when I heard that a new record was imminent. I dont usually ask an artist back for a second Tiny Desk Concert simply because they have a new release but for Julien, I had to make an exception. With all the love that surrounded her first visit to the NPR offices, I reached out to ask if she would be willing to do something different this time around. Last fall, she delivered. All the songs for her return to the Tiny Desk come from last years Turn Out The Lights. Just a few weeks before the albums release, she came to Washington; we tuned our piano, she brought violinist Camille Faulkner. The first two songs, Hurt Less and Even, were accompanied by Camille, with Julien on piano for the opening tune and acoustic guitar on the second. Its quite stunning, as she sings: Putting my fist through the plaster in the bathroom of a Motel 6 I must have pictured it all a thousand times I swear to God I think Im gonna die I know you were right I cant be fixed, so help me For the last, Julien put together an arrangement of Appointments that begins on electric guitar, which then was looped as a backdrop to her on piano and voice. Julien Baker is a massively talented songwriter with a deeply caring heart and a perfectionist streak all of which delivered to her a career-making year. We are so thrilled to have her return. Set List Hurt Less Even Appointments Shes just fantastic. Well worth a listen. 9. Inspirational notes For the last several months, about once a week or so, Ill stick a note inside of one of my childrens backpacks. Its a note card in an envelope with their name on the front, and on the inside, I just write a short note saying something I admire about their character and how I hope they share that with the world. It takes me about ten minutes or so to do this. I just stop for a little bit, think of some truly worthwhile characteristic that one of my children possesses, and then Ill write about it. Ill tell a quick anecdote about when I saw that characteristic used in a positive way, how I am incredibly proud that Im their parent when I see them using that aspect of themselves, a gentle encouragement to use that characteristic in other aspects of their life, and a general reminder that I love them. Thats it nothing fancy. I know that my kids have read the notes because of comments Ive overheard, but not one of them has said a word about them to me. I do know that theyre read, though, and I do know that theyre thought about, and thats enough. Will it make a positive difference? Maybe. I think it will, given enough time. Dont just get inspired. Be an inspiration. 10. Muhammad Ali on the pebble in your shoe It isnt the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; its the pebble in your shoe. Muhammad Ali Its often one or two little details that make the difference between success and failure. You might be able to perfectly nail everything else you need for a diet, but its that mid-afternoon wave of hunger that you thoughtlessly indulge that undoes things. You might have perfect control over your spending except for that one little linchpin. Maybes its online spending at a particular website, or maybe its regular splurging on food. Whatever it is, theres often some little detail that puts a big scratch on the beautiful surface of your progress. The thing is, its far more meaningful to stop and pull that pebble out of your shoe than to keep on running for a little bit longer and just quit. Fix the little problems before they become big ones. [embedded content] From the description: When trying to come up with a new idea, we all have times when we get stuck. But according to research by behavioral and learning scientist Marily Oppezzo, getting up and going for a walk might be all it takes to get your creative juices flowing. In this fun, fast talk, she explains how walking could help you get the most out of your next brainstorm. Going on walks is unquestionably my most powerful creative tool. I dont have anything else in my repertoire that really compares to it. Its part of the reason why winters are often very hard in terms of writing productivity the weather rarely cooperates with the kind of long outdoor walk that I enjoy. While I enjoy winter in small doses, I wouldnt be surprised at all to find Sarah and I living further south in the winter months when we are older. I think it agrees much better with both of us. Still, I cant laud walking enough if youre trying to piece through a difficult idea in your head or youre trying to brainstorm some solutions. 12. JFK on strength Do not pray for easy lives, my friends. Pray to be stronger men. John Fitzgerald Kennedy Hoping that the future will become easier wont really help very much. Its very likely that the future wont become easier. Instead, recognize that your life right now probably is easier than it will be in the future and plan accordingly. Work a little harder today so you dont have to work quite as hard tomorrow. Save a little money today so you dont have to scramble tomorrow. Dont hope for an easier life. Work for a stronger you. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/inspiration-from-7-up-lauren-oliver-julien-baker-and-more/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i dont know how i feel. i’m very conflicted and sad. i dont want to be but my soul tells me i probably should be.

hes very excited to quit his job and take temporary leave across the country. he joked, ‘youll leave me now that i dont have a job’ and i replied ‘no, youre leaving ME now that you dont have a job’

‘what do you mean? i thought you said you would follow me.’

‘... i will follow you’

‘so then follow me. thats why i wanted to bring the truck. i just want time to myself first so i can create better habits and stop being lazy.’

at this point i realized my theory regarding north york was right and he was not happy about my refusal to follow him. but it wasnt right. and although this is being spoken about 6 months in advance i feel like theres a certain amount of disrespect? like it wasnt a discussion - it was just once again something he’d do and i was welcome to join him. 

and i dont know if thats right for me? like to be totally fair, i dont know whats right for me. i dont even know where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to o with my time. i’m really figuring all of this out right now. and like i was some years late on this because of all my shit and once i figure it out i think i’ll be fine but it’s ~the seeker again. i’ve been repeating, “i asked timothy leary and he couldnt help me either” after seeing the documentary with him an ram dass. like i have questions that are so deep an profound to life that i may never find answers and maybe thats who the fuck ill be and if thats who i am then how do i find ways to exist in this life. 

like - i hate everyone. i really dislike everyone i know right now but i continue to socialize with them because this is what ive known this is what ive built - this is what i have. i should have done better. i’m trying to make people who will never really amount to much do more than theyre ever destined for and i’m frustrated about it. i’m continually frustrated that i put in this massive amount of effort that NO ONE else puts in and they have THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. i know i’m sick - i know because if i wasnt, if i never had the parents i had - if i had opportunities given to me i wouldnt be here right now. i am so angry at people who have opportunities and continually shit on them. i’m here doing the most with nothing and getting only a few steps ahead. 

i thought i didnt care where i lived. but that was a serious lesson when i moved to the north of the city. i fucking hate the suburbs and i fucking hate being in the midle of nowhere. it is not fun or quaint biking everywhere or being off the main transit line. i biked home at 3am and bought smokes in the time it would take me to bike to the bus stop to go downtown. and i thought i didnt care about the way i lived but it turns out that my environment weighs heavily on me. i “thrive” in a city atmosphere where things are bustling and i can jump in at any time. i have no qualms about missing opportunities for socializing because i know ill have more very soon. being able to get resources to live super quickly means i have no problem doing multiple tasks in a day. it was like when i took anti anxiety meds and realized what anxiety was. i did not know what i had until it was gone and i was able to learn that i did in fact do better in a room. i was raised in a room. and it sounds sad and maybe it is sad but i WANT to be in a room. i dont even WANT a house. i thought i did. i thought i wanted my own little place an if i could have a stand alone room on a street maybe id take my own place but i hate it. i hate doing dishes and mopping and dusting and everything. ive just now figured out how to keep one single room tidy and organized and it makes me feel very good. 

what am i doing? he called me king of the losers. i am. i am king of the losers - of all the shitty art people trying to make a “career” from being an artist; i’m the top of the line. there are “artists” doing better than me but out of all the losers who arent, i’m the top. and i choose to remain this way because i cannot stand the attention, i canno stand being a leader and i am on the precipice of something that i know i can make huge which i do not think even my “subjects” realize what that means. if i believe something will happen - it almost always does. it means i have the confidence and drive to make it happen. its not even happenstance - i know exactly what to do, what cards to play and i feel like i’m there right now. i could take my next step above king of the losers but why? why? what will i get? acknowledgment for the work i did, people will “like me”, maybe i’ll get some money - maybe it’ll go so far that it’ll be of value to something bigger that wants a piece of it and i’ll be bought out like similar projects before me. but why? what in the hell do i care? how do i define “glory” or “success” and is this it? i’m literally twiddling my thumbs with this. i’m biding my time between this and the next “big thing” - the “serious” one. 

so why cant i follow him? if i finally get the benefits i’ve been waiting for, they’re only applicable in this province. i will have to reapply in a province that contains the amount of people currently living in this city almost four months after finally getting it here. although i have no family now, i will be literally half way across the country from anything i have ever known for the entire 27 years of my life whch is extremely terrifying right now. i dont know if i even want to leave this city right now. i just dont know. what do i do with the cats? take them half way across the country? in a pick up truck? 

what helped my consideration was the proposal .. of well a literal proposal. but not so much out of love - but a contract, an agreement between us that when we were “done”, he would pay for me to return to my home province. like itll be my job to find a place to live at but i want him to pay for my return because i know with or without a job ill be able to find some cash when i get back but getting back with my shit would be super hard and i just want to know that the hardest part for me is taken care of so i always have “freedom” to return to what i know. imagine being stuck halfway across the country because we broke up? losing all my shit? having to beg & borrow to get back to anything familiar? i dont want alimony - in fact i think this is the prenup agreement. i get nothing at all except my moving expenses covered which i think is kind of beneficial to him too - he wont have to see me or keep me around any longer than necessary. i dont know if we can legally sign an agreement that says this otherwise which is why i stupidly think maybe we sould just secretly get married to enforce the fact he cant just get up and walk away without taking care of things with me unless hes really shitty about it. its not about beig forever taken care of either - even if i have the money to move i think its fair after everything to just be able to get back an start my own life again without a major struggle. like if i give up my whole life here to go there, the least i can get is my shit sent back and a plane ticket.

but then - i dont want to take a plane alone. i mean, to get there. if he decides to road trip himself with the truk and has no reason to return he may just want to send me a ticket and i’m absolutely not ready for such things not even in six months - okay for therapeutic purposes ill say MAYBE in six months but honestly im still trying to get on a bus to toronto let alone an airplane to another province. i love him but i honestly think id refuse to get on a plane by myself. especially if i had gone through the stress of giving up the cats or hoosing to move or even leave for a significant period of time. he also has ties there and i dont and i feel like i’ll be _the_ goth girl of the province. like the entire province, i’ll be _the_ goth girl. but maybe i’m assuming and stereotyping - maybe theres a whole scene of people there i also dont want to fucking know. 

but what if this is the thing? what if this is that turning point in my life where i say fuck it and i just do a thing and see where it takes me in this life that WITH OR WITHOU A DECISION ill still be living here for the next many decades and that’s really hard to fathom. like some days i think that “okay tomorrow imjust going to bus back to my building in bramalea and say hi to my dad and chill in my room & smoke some weed”. actually, honestly, alot of days. maybe every other day this real genuine feeling of being able to do this overtakes me an i feel very saddened by it. i will never be able to do that and that is nuts. but maybe part of it is living so close. doing the same things. living the same life. this isnt a life i made, this is a life that became. 

maybe if i could take the cats i’d be more stoked on it but even i think it’s impossible. i dont know. i’m just going to try and plow ahead on my own thing - like i had been doing and reassess myself in the new year. maybe ill find “success” and within it “independence” where ill find what i have too valuable to give up. maybe nothing will change ill be desperate to find something different. 

i didnt feel good though. like, i have some insomnia which usually bothers me but i know i napped late yesterday and ran out of weed and it’s okay. i knew i’d figure something out and if iwas soooooo desperate i couldve hit a dab. but it wasnt about the weed. the lack of weed didnt give me anxiety and i sort of sat back and witnessed myself cycle through my patterns of anxiety until i had made myself upset enough to cry. im not sure i had a real reason to. but all of these things weighed heavily on my mind and i wasnt able to talk about them and maybe now even this is something to think about on my own - if i wouldnt leave the province without him, should i go with him? it’s a truly independent decision and if i want to “follow”, it’s my responsibility to decide these things in order to be able to “follow”. the lack of weed perhaps made my usual level of anxiety harder to handle and although i tried, it was still going. eventually i began to think of christmas and how he’d be gone and if i didnt go with him we’d break up and just everything that could follow did and i wanted to leave. it was the middle of the night an i was upset and i wanted to go home

but i know this gives him anxiety.  i know we’ve argued about going home after dark even. but i decided to follow the “switch” - i’m 27 years old and in no way bound to this person. theyve done numerous things far worse and i was essentially sitting beside them in the dark for hours on end for their benefit. i got dressed but it took me another 45 minutes to decide to leave. i thought id regret it - get half way there and feel stupid. maybe itd be really cold. but once i got on my bike i felt like i could breathe - i took back control. i feel like i panic at a sense of losing control of my own life. like i can lose control of situations but if i cannot atleaast control my own life and how i live, it causes panic attacks. once i felt in control i felt freedom - a freedom i didnt have to pay for. which is a really significant thing to think about. 

i dont hate him. maybe this is not about him because he has all the right in the world to decide these things because we are two individual people moving forward and we have to decide on certain things to allow each other to exist in each others lives. i realized if he was going to the store with our friend he’d probably get up early to go which meant i’d be sitting aroun waiting while he showered and ate breakfast so i could be dropped off at home for a few hours. i decided i might as well skip the morning routine and get in a few hours of sleep. he’s supposed to take me pumpkin picking later which i am excited for but right now honestly im most excited for the small sliver of comfort i created for myself. 

[survivorbahamas]

FIC Results and Rites of Passage

Dana has won individual immunity and guaranteed herself a spot in final tribal council and a chance to argue her case in front of the jury.

Now, on to rites of passage.

JULIA’S ROP

Chris- sucks you went out because of a crazy idol! you were coming after me so you had it coming ;/

Rob- god I love u so much and I was soo upset when you walked!! I hope you're doing okay!

Jenna- we were never on the same tribe but it sucks you never made merge!

Adrian- I love u to death and I really wish I was awake during the time you were voted out so I could've made sure no one flipped on you! you were such a good ally and I was really upset to see you go so soon.

Jaiden- you were probably my favorite person to align with! although you were lowkey crazy and unpredictable I knew you always had my back and I am happy to say I never went against you. playing this game with you was so much fun and I'm glad it brought us closer!

Gage- we never talked much because you always went MISSING AHHH!! but when we did talk, you were really fun and you being voted out really shocked me

Willa- you were so fun to talk to and I'm really glad we got to play this game together! the only thing I remember about you being voted out is that I was afraid someone had an idol. you were truly robbed!

Nicholas- argh u are a terrible ally to have but its ok,,, ily and im so glad to say I finally outlasted u in a game aha!

Lily- we never talked much because I felt like you were against me. you're a really sweet gal and im glad to say I never lied to you but if you made it to the end you would've won!

Bodhi- im so glad that I got to play this game with you. since the beginning, I feel like we really connected and im so happy we got to become friends. you were someone I knew I could rely on and you were really robbed. im sorry that the vote was either me or you and i lowkey wish it was me. love u!

Brian- ahhhh! during the beginning of the game, i felt like you were someone i could count on and actually become friends with! even though during merge we stopped talking as much, you played such a spectacular game and im happy i got to play it with you. i tried to save you last minute but it didn't work. you're a smart player and it sucks you were voted out!

KAI’S ROP

Madison - Voted out first for being inactive.

Kylie - Don't know who this is.

Chris - I had no idea who he was and then he tried to vote me out for no reason xD so I didn't like him too much.

Mitch - Don't know who this is.

Rob - Rob was such a sweet heart.. I'm sad that he had to leave the game (heart) I would've loved to work with him.

Jenna - Dana just told me that shes now on the jury and I feel bad because I have literally no idea who she is :( 

Adrian - I think hes probably a really nice guy but I also think he tried to vote me out along side chris and therefore It made me lose trust In him

Jaiden - quite a funny guy when you talk to him. however within this game he was absolutely crazy. he also saved me on the Chris vote which I'm very appreciative of.

Gage - he was a very quiet person but I'm sure he was lovely too.. its a shame he had to go the way he did because of idols n stuff... 

Willa - quite a nice guy, it was fun to work with him xD not many people knew about that which was pretty cool. We would've gone far 

Nicholas - I was with Nicholas in my starting tribe and he is such a sweet guy (heart) like I did like him and then he flipped on our alliance and it kind of made me lose trust in him so...

Lily - she was literally the one of the only reasons I made it this far within the game I swear to god! Coming into the game as a beginner and not knowing anybody Lily was very sweet and helped me through it and sort of gave me tips on how to play a good game so I genuinely wouldn't have been able to make it here without her.. (heart) (heart)

Bodhi - once again another person who helped me through the game. Bodhi was one of the people I trusted most as well until he started making plans and votes without me. but hes Bodhi so ive still gotta love him no matter what ya feel xD

Brian - the final person who I would never have been able to make it this far without. he was also another person who was giving me hints and tips on how to play the game.

DANA’S ROP

Madison- You were wrong. Cake was not the winner of the season, it was worm on a string and I love her.  

Kylie- Hope you had a good time playin the game!

Chris- Chips! What a nice guy. Talking to you on original Ysabela was great. Honestly? Your selfie scavenger hunt skills are admirable.

Mitch- Poor ailing Mitch. Very sorry you had to go while you were suffering from Pneumonia. You were such a nice guy. I realized too late that you’re v into candles and I’m sad we never got to talk about them because I am a hoe for candles.

Rob- Bobby! I’m SO sad we never got to play in this game together because I was really looking forward to it. My OG TS Survivor friend and my first ever ally. Can’t wait to host with you and Daisy, our only other friend.

Jenna- Ahh Jenna! Nobody has more wild stories to tell in tribe chat than you. Playing with you was super fun and you definitely kept me entertained. I’m sorry we couldn’t have gone further into the game together!

Adrian- What a pal. I’m SO sorry I left you alone on Ponderosa, but I came back to S L A Y for both of us robbed queens. I’ll make it up to you and we can go on a lit beach vacation together when we get out of the Bahamas.

Jaiden- Chaos Jaiden. You definitely made this game more interesting and terrifying for everyone involved.  Playing this game with you made everything…unpredictable to say the least, but I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Maybe you can find another advantage out there to bring yourself back to the jury?

Gage- The missing icon. Honestly I was always SO excited to work with you in this game, and inevitably every round you would leave me for that bitch the triangle. I’m sorry I eventually got jealous and had to vote you out of this game.

Willa- Willa Willa Willa. My half of the super idol twin. Honestly I miss you quite a lot. Your way of playing this game straightforward was something I was SO envious of in this game. I hope they have plenty of kpop bops for you to listen to @ Ponderosa.

Nicholas- QUEEN NICHOLAS! My hero and fellow wine mom. You’re honestly a fav and you deserved better. I’m super glad I decided to befriend you in this game, honestly one of the best choices I made. Can’t wait to get lit and ruin lives with you in future games.

Lily- <3 AHH I miss talking to you SO much. You’re such a great friend and we have so much in common, which made talking to you in this game incredibly enjoyable and just like I was hanging out with my irl friends. Keep living your best life my fellow sorority girl and party princess. Also pls say hello to your cute dog for me. Thank you.

Bodhi- I am SO sad you aren’t sitting here with me right now in the final four, because you deserve it so much. Playing this game with you was honestly one of the best times I’ve ever had in a game and I’m going to miss our alliance a crazy amount. You play the best UTR game, one that I’m INCREDIBLY jealous of. I’m always fascinated by the crazy plans you think up and USUALLY successfully implement. It’s been a great time and so much of that was because of you, so thanks!  

Brian- By far one of the hardest votes for me in this game. I���m so thankful you brought me back into this game and took a chance on someone you didn’t know that well at the time. Your decision to bring me back allowed me to have one of the best times I’ve ever had playing in a game before, so thank you. Unfortunately, you became SO threatening. Your pulse on what was going on in this game was close to perfect and your ability to see through other people’s plans was uncanny. You’re an awesome guy and I can’t wait to visit in Toronto!

ZACH’S ROP

Madison Although we don’t see eye to eye all the time, I still wish you would’ve been more active and could’ve stayed longer!

Kylie Queen of self voting! We didn’t talk, you were inactive and i’m not sure if you even accepted my friend request hehe.

Chris I heard your tribal was fairly… intense. We barely got to play this game together, but i’m glad with the little time we had!

Mitch This was a sad vote. I’m so sorry you came up with an illness :( I really enjoyed your presence and am glad to have gotten the opportunity to play with you! I wish we could’ve still continued though.

Rob We were close early on, and i’m glad we got to become good friends! It’s unfortunate you had to walk though :( I was hoping to continue our game together later on! I hope we get to meet again soon.

Jenna The definition of robbed. We were pals and I was so sad to see you go. I tried to force a tie but the votes just weren’t there. I’m super glad you were moved onto jury though!

Adrian This vote had me stressed out. You deserved to stay longer, but it’s unfortunate that the tiebreaker wasn’t in your favour. I wish we could’ve played together and actually went semi-far as allies and not be opposing forces, which was something we kind of achieved here, so i’m thankful to have played with you.

Jaiden You’re one crazy baby child. Although you made me stressed and made tribals hectic one after another, it was a fun experience and you made this whole overall adventure more chaotic. I’m sad to see you leave jury :(

Gage We never really connected, but i’m glad to have gotten a chance to play with you and meet you! Perhaps one day down the road we could play again and work together more effectively.

Willa At this point, this was the hardest vote I had to make. You were such a social threat and Brian was fortunately removed from the tribe (via the bermuda triangle!) so it had to be you. Thank you for talking to me though and giving me hope, and comforting me regularly. I really appreciate you and am thankful to have this opportunity shared with you.

Nicholas ADIOS NICHOLAS! You leaving pissed me the frick off. I was… blindsided… but in the end, it was fun to play with you and i’m glad we had a fun experience again. Malibu is shaking!

Lily I am grateful to have played with you again, and rekindle our friendship a little bit to say the least. You were a likeable and social threat, and my paranoid ass decided splitting the vote was the best idea, which resulted in you leaving. I’m truly apologetic. I will say though that I did enjoy your company, and you were a fun person to talk to throughout the game.

Bodhi The vote where I… cried? This was so hard because I wanted to keep you but the vote may have tied, therefore sending me out by rocks and it just wasn’t optional. I’m thankful to have gotten to build a personal relationship with you, and become friends that hopefully will extend outside this game. Thank you for all the help you provided.

Brian Okay this vote was messy. I’m sorry to see you go. We never really connected until the end, but it was too risky taking an underdog story like yours to the end. You were a great magician with your frequent “i’m playing my idol” tricks, and truly you made me one hell of a paranoid freak. Thank you for a fun game.

[georgielou-50913]

a sad questionnaire

What do you wish was different?

My life. I wish things had turned out different, I wish my family wasnt so against me, i wish i wasnt so damaged, i wish i was a better person. i wish everything about my life was different, just not him. he is perfect. he is the ONLY thing keeping me alive, keeping me going. but god i wish things were different.

What’s the hardest part about that?

things cannot change. i am too damaged, and unless you can bring back my little girl i will never be able to feel any different. so im better off dead yeah? things could be a little different if i didn't live here. but thats not going to change for a very long time.

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

so many things? so work hasnt been greatly lately i havent been getting the hours i need. my nan (who i live with) has basically told me if i cant pay the rent ill be homeless. my boyfriend has a big family and stays with his parents so theres nothing they can do for me, they dont have the room. i couldnt pay my rent last month, and i dont know if im going to be able to this month either. i cant afford to live in my own place nor can i make that decision because i dont know if ill ever be able to pay the rent. i am not getting any work, no where near enough. not even 200 quid per month. last month i earnt 140 quid, i get paid by the hour and theres no work. im trying so hard to find a new job but its not that easy anymore. shes making my life hell every single day and there is nothing i can do. if im homeless i will just throw myself off a bridge.

What was the sad bit there for you?

being stuck in this house, that i cannot change, being spoken down to every day, all day. getting inside my head telling me how useless and worthless i am, basically i was better off dead.

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

as above..... im going to become homeless, if not this month then next month? i cant pay everything, im in debt. i cant even pay my phone bill. i cant afford to pay anything, nothing at all. my boyfriend helped me last month and left himself in further debt. i cant do that to him, he cant afford to keep us both going when he sis struggling to keep himself going. 

What else has happened that makes this worse?

my uncle recently went into hospital, and me and luke did absolutely everything we did to help him and my nan, but now that luke has no money and is running on barely any petrol.. i said i may not be able to help for a while and basically this has caused a huge storm at home for me, she will not allow my boyfriend in the house anymore and is basically ruining my life now, coming into my room several times a day to rip the shit out of me, reminding me every hour how much she hates me and i feel like im stuck in an incredibly bad emotional abusive relationship and there truly is no way out, im already stressed as it is, i keep breaking into tears all the time. i didnt say i WOULDNT help i just said that it was going to be a bit harder, i didnt deserve the way she spoke to me or the way she is treating me, especially luke.

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

i think ive explained all that above. basically its a neverending thing of talking down to me and telling me how worthless i am and im fat, and stupid, and selfish, and evil and mean, i am better off dead. why was i even born? to suffer? why me.

What is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing is its my own nan who is making me feel this way. the one lady i have looked up to my whole life and would do anything for. and she is making me want to die.

What else is hard about that situation?

its put a lot of strain on all my other realtionships, i have tried to break up with luke on several occassions when that isnt even what i want to do. that is not what i want i just dont want him getting mixed up in all this situation. im trying to protect him aswell. but i dont want him to see me this way, ive lost my appetite i dont want to eat, im letting myself go completely i could just sleep all day, sleep forever.

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

ive suffered depression most of my life anyway but i always fight it you know? this time i cant shake it, ive been suffering for months and its getting worse, with a strong history of self harming i havent resorted to that yet, but its becoming more and more appealing, and this time ive relied more on alcohol than hurting myself, because self harm is only short term relief, alcohol lets me forget for the whole day and i can relax.  i just dont think im going to break it this time.

Are you worried about people thinking this?

i dont really have anyone to talk to, i dont want lukes family thinking im a bad influence for him to be with, although they say they are there to listen, especially his sister, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to vent all this on them, i dont want advice. i dont want help. well i do.... but what can they really do to help me? i have to be careful of what i write on social media.... i am not attention seeking, more like a cry for help.

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this?

10. .....way more than 10.. i want to die.

 Okay, so how about compared to this other thing?  What is worse 

both the fear of being homeless and the constant abuse im getting by staying here. the fact of me being stuck in this house being told every day all day how worthless i am, is the worse, its classed as emtoional abuse, making someone want to die is bad. i dont know if she realises this is what she is doing. i cant really compare. not knowing whether im going to be homeless at the end of the month is terrifying, where will i go?  i cant say which is worse, because both are as bad as eachother.

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

not knowing whether im going to get work the next day, wondering if its going to be enough. wondering whether tomorrow will be easier, i share a room with my nan so i get constant abuse right from the minute i wake up to the second i fall asleep. its neverending.

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

the fact that my own nan is ruining my life? tearing me apart. ripping my heart into pieces... ashamed. yes.

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

i dont want her to tell people that i was selfish, i never said i wouldnt help. we have done so much for the past couple weeks, and before. she is making it sound like we did nothing, and that all we cared about was money, she barely gave us anything, and what she did was purely for petrol because we have absolutely no money atall... so its been incredibly hard. we did these things because we wanted to help. and shes thrown it all back in our faces. i cant forgive that. but now she tells people that i am selfish, that i did nothing to help. that i did not want to help and this was not the case atall.

How often are you feeling upset about it?

it doesnt go away, when i have her constantly reminding me all day that i am a worthless useless horrible evil nasty fat useless waste of space. it doesnt end. i am getting worse.

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

i wish i could be as special as my sister, she is so proud of her. i wish she could of been proud of me too, i made some mistakes in life, and i pay for them everyday. i wish you could be proud of me too. thats all i ever wanted to hear from you, not how you wish youd never adopted me into your home.

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

having luke by my side.

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

I cannot defend myself with the way she talks to me, because if i do id get thrown out in seconds. then what do i do?  Ive also badgered on at my boss to give me more work, explained my situation and all they say is there is no more work to give me. ive been applying for other jobs for months and had a few interviews but its just not worked out. i dont know what else to do.

What do you think people don't understand about this?

there is only so much you can push someone. and i am at the very end, i speak to people but they just tell me to either ignore it or find another job. no it is not that fucking simple! how do you ignore someone who is constantly in your face reminding you of how shit you are every single day.

What would make this a little better?

if i could move into lukes house, he tells me if i become homeless that would happen, but i dont think he is right, his parents have already said theyd love to take me in but there genuinely is no room.  i just want to get away fromt this place.

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

well i have another week till payday, that is the day i find out my fate i suppose. am i going to be homeless again..

When was the last time you cried about this?

today, ive lost count how many times ive cried today, cried myself to sleep last night, ive been crying everyday.

What helps you cope?

tumblr, online games, working, music, tv shows, anything to occupy myself. but its all short lived.

What times of day are the hardest for you?

the times im not working, today i have absolutely no work at all so i have t be stuck here all day listening to abuse. tomorrow i will be working in the morning then again tomorrow evening, then ill be staying at lukes house this weekend and ill be working over the weekend so ill not have much time to think about it. but during the day is the hardest. because i have to just endure it. waiting for the time to pass. tomorrow ill only have a few hours here.  but ive still gotta get through the night.