#TPWP spoilers

[possessingtheproperspirit]

Thanks for the tag @mppmaraudergirl!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

33!

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

614,012, which includes a few co-written fics.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Just HP!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A. The Price We Pay - 274k, canon WIP, starts in sixth year

B. Forget-Me-Not - 55k, super brutal and angsty (SA content warning), muggle AU, 10 chapters

C. the way you left me - 10k, canon divergent one-shot, also super brutal and angsty, what is my problem?, grief

D. Vibrations - 5k, muggle AU one-shot, smut-town, riding the revenge rail, not at ALL brutal and angsty

E. A Lesson in Communication - 12k, muggle AU one-shot, miscommunications abound, but in a fun way

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do, although sometimes it takes me a while, because I think I've already done it.

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

99% of my angst has a happy ending. One that doesn't is A Fate Resigned, so I guess that is my angstiest ending.

OR! I forgot about this one. My first HP fic was Not Waving But Drowning, following Remus in the lead-up to Oct '81. So that surely has the angstiest ending.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Again, 99% of them end happily. I think the end of Forget-Me-Not felt like some well-earned happiness after a long and difficult road, so maybe that one?

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I've had one or two arsey comments about not updating enough on TPWP, but that's about it.

9. Do you write smut. If so, what kind?

Yes although not that often. It's Jily all the way.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

No, I don't see the appeal personally.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I know of!

13. Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I've co-written two fics, one with @corinnesamuels and one with @mppmaraudergirl, and thoroughly enjoyed both experiences.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Jily through and through. Although there are many (Will/Alicia, Josh/Donna...) in second place.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I don't think there's anything I've started that I won't finish. Whether people will still care about them by the time I've finished them is another story...

16. What are your writing strengths?

Sad stuff. And dialogue, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Often under-planned. Rambling. Sometimes plotless. I could go on.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Speaking as someone who tried to get through French A Level by using Google Translate (spoiler: it did not work), I think this is something I'm better off avoiding.

19. First Fandom you wrote for?

ER, baby! I was a HUGE carby fan (Carter/Abby) and was dismayed when the writers fucked it up so spectacularly.

20. Favorite fic you've ever written?

It's probably between The Price You Pay, because I love writing the different characters, or the way you left me, because it hurt so bad.

Tagging @kay-elle-cee @sunshinemarauder @thequibblah @emeralddoeadeer if you fancy it!

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

The Problem With Mondo Chapter 1

Hey guys!!

So! I know it’s taken me a while to get The Problem With Mondo out, but I do have some good news! I have decided that regardless of if the story is done or not, I will begin posting TPWM on March 23rd, the one year anniversary of me posting TPWP. I honestly don’t think I’ll be finished by then, but I’m hoping to be done with the companion to chapter 22 by then. I just finished the companion to chapter 19 (which ended up at 34k words, by the by), so I’m hoping I can write 3 chapters in the next 3 months. These chapters are ending up so freaking long, though, that I honestly have no idea. I’m honestly terrified to see how long chapter 30′s companion ends up. I fear that the winter festival alone will take up almost 100k words, since it took up 60k in TPWP. Oof. 

Anyway! That’s not what this post is about. This post is me giving y’all your Christmas gift early! Or your Chanukah gift late, since I’m Jewish and all, ha. But I figured I could post chapter 1 of TPWM here, so that y’all can see it! As a thank you for following me here and providing support all these months. <3

Now, general disclaimer. TPWM is going to be marked explicit from the start, partially because Mondo is a more vulgar individual than Taka and thus has more vulgar thoughts (and thus the narration reflects that, since I’ve always written like my words are the character’s thoughts, just in third person), but also because Mondo is incredibly foul mouthed. Like... every single paragraph has at least one curse in it. I never curse IRL, so whenever I get a chance to in fic, I go hog wild, ha. There is nothing vulgar or explicit in chapter 1, but there is a ton of cursing, so beware of that. I think the sneak peeks I’ve shown of TPWM before will showcase that too, but still. Just a warning. 

Another warning is that TPWM deals with the negative effects of past child abuse. As was learned in later chapters of TPWP, Mondo was physically abused by his father and neglected by his mother, and both things have negatively effected Mondo. A big part of TPWM is him dealing with the abuse he’s faced from both parents. This chapter lays out the ground work of that, so child abuse is pretty heavily mentioned. If that is something that bothers you, please be careful when reading.

Finally, if you read this now, know that it may change slightly between now and when I post it to AO3 in March. I may make some small changes to grammar and sentence structure, so know that. If you see any mistakes, please feel free to let me know! I edit my chapters pretty extensively, but there’s always things I miss, ha. 

I hope y’all enjoy! Happy Holidays!!

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1 The Problem with Mondo

(No chapter title yet.)

Mondo Owada stands in the most opulent and outrageous dorm room he’s ever been in, feeling entirely out of his depths as he takes in the very spacious area. The bed is in the middle of the room, not touching a single wall (he didn’t even know you could have a bed not against a wall, fuck, it seems so ridiculous to him), with an honest to god fucking desk behind it. A desk. Fuck, he doesn’t think he’s ever had a desk in his life! There’s a dining table and a coffee table and a couch and a stereo and a TV set, and Mondo feels so far out of his depths he has no idea what to do. 

 When he’d gotten the letter inviting him to attend Hope’s Peak, he’d legitimately thought it was a scam and threw it away without a single thought. Like hell would Hope’s Peak— the world’s most prestigious high school— ever invite him, of all people, to attend. Yeah, he’s the leader of the largest biker gang in all of Japan, something he’s so fucking proud of (the only thing he’s proud of), but like hell would those business and academic types ever see that as worth shit. 

 It wasn’t until Jiro, his legal ‘guardian’ (noted as such only to get the fucking government off his back) had called him and hesitantly told him he’d gotten a phone call from the school, asking to speak with him, that he’d started to think that maybe— just maybe— it wasn’t a hoax. And then, when he’d driven to Tokyo and met with the headmaster and other members of the board— feeling more uncomfortable than he’s felt... ever, really— they’d informed him that his strong leadership abilities and ‘charisma’ (whatever the fuck that means) had impressed them when reviewing his file.

 Which was fucking laughable, considering he’d spent a good chunk of the previous school year in juvie for breaking a would-be rapist’s jaw. But since that would-be rapist was the son of a rich businessman, he’d not been able to talk his way out of the punishment like usual. He’d only been in the fucking place for three months, before having to do community service (which he’s never minded much, to tell the truth), but he knows that having a criminal record isn’t exactly the type of thing a place like Hope’s Peak would be able to excuse. 

 And yet... somehow, they did. 

 And now, several months and a lot of uncomfortable confusion later, here he is. Standing in his new room, wondering how the fuck his life got so fucking weird. 

 And it’s not like he hadn’t considered saying no, right? He had. Many, many times. Especially when it had been made clear that, while he was at school, he’d likely have to stop leading his gang directly, since he’d have to stay located in Tokyo for the entirety of his schooling and his gang often didn’t frequent the busy city. He could still call the shots, calling and emailing Michi (his second in command who’d obviously lead by proxy for him) with orders and recommendations, but he’d not be able to ride with the gang. Not except for the rare times they ride through the city, which wouldn’t be nearly often enough for him. 

 Honestly, that alone almost made him reject the offer outright. Not being able to be part of his gang, the gang his brother had built from scratch and entrusted him to lead? No. Fuck no! Yeah, he’d still technically be leading, but... but... fuck. He’d not be leading, and that just... he couldn’t deal with the thought. 

 However...

 Well. 

 No one rejects an offer from Hope’s Peak. Absolutely fucking no one. Not anyone with half a brain, at least, which Mondo likes to think he kinda has. He may be stupid, but he’s not that stupid. This... this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And while he loves his gang more than he loves life itself, he... he... well. He knows that he won’t be able to lead his gang forever. Once they all graduate and move on, what becomes of him then? What use is a biker gang leader with no gang to lead? And with his record, and his lack of proper education, he has no hope of getting an actual job, like... ever. 

 He spends most of his time not thinking about things like this, knowing how stupid dwelling on it all is, but... well. Once he got the offer, the best damn offer he’s ever received, ever, he couldn’t not think about it. If he legitimately can make it at Hope’s Peak... well. It won’t erase his record, no, but it will give him something. Something that will make it possible for him to maybe get a job once the gang no longer needs him. He has no idea what job he might even possibly want, not daring to even think of shit like that, but it gives him an option. More than the absolute nothing he currently has. 

 So, he’d accepted. He’d been almost in a daze, kind of overwhelmed at the entirety of it, but the headmaster hadn’t seemed to even notice. He’d just shook the man’s hand, as well as the other board members, met with a fucking advisor to discuss his schedule, and then had been asked if he’d need transportation to the school on September first. When he’d shaken his head slightly, not saying a word, they’d smiled at him, said they looked forward to seeing him when the school year started, and then... they’d sent him on his way, to spend the following months wondering how the fuck he was supposed to attend this bougie ass school, when he’s barely passed literally every class he’s ever attended. 

 And now... now he’s here. Out of his depths and halfway to freaking the absolute fuck out, standing in what is supposedly his new fucking room. He’s literally never stayed in a room this nice. This single room is larger than his entire fucking apartment, and he’s supposed to just accept that this is his, now? And this fucking school! He’d not actually gone on campus when he’d met with the headmaster, instead going to some business headquarters type place, so this is the first time he’s seen the school itself, and fuck... he’d felt honest to god nervous stepping through the entrance, eyes darting around, looking for security guards that would storm in to throw him out.

 The feeling hadn’t left the entire time he wandered through the halls, shoulders tenser than they’ve ever been before. Because of the unease, he’d been unintentionally glaring at everyone he’d passed, making them all scamper away from him like the pussies they are. Whatever. He doesn’t care if these fuckers like him. They’re all prolly goody fucking two shoes, and the one thing he’s made sure to promise himself is that— no matter what— he’s not changing for nothing. He is who he is, unapologetic as fuck. And if this fucking school doesn’t like it? Well, then they can kiss his ass. He’s spent too fucking long building up his image to ruin it now. 

 Still. It makes his skin crawl, being in this school. Not even being in ‘his’ room is helping, with how over the top it is. He’s tempted to go to the headmaster and ask if they have any storage closets that he can sleep in, since at least that would feel closer to ‘home’ for him. Knowing this fucking school, though, even their storage closets are prolly bougie as fuck. 

 Honestly? He hates it. All of it. He’s spent so long hating his richer classmates (not that any of them were ‘rich’, but that’s beside the point, they were richer than fucking him), the ones who would tote around their new phones and laptops, who had parents who actually fucking loved them and didn’t try to beat the shit out of them any chance they got. Fuck, how he hated those kids. Fuck, how he envied them. 

 And this school is the perfect embodiment of those students. He bets all of his classmates here are rich fuckers, aren’t they? He didn’t bother researching the incoming students who’d be in his class (what is he, a fucking nerd?), so he has no idea who any of them are, but he knows the types who attend Hope’s Peak. And they... are not like him. They never had to go hungry at night, or shiver so hard during winter they wondered if they wouldn’t just freeze to death before morning. They didn’t have to watch their ma slowly drink herself to death, helpless to do anything but watch. They didn’t have to wonder why they were so fucking worthless that not even their own fucking old man could stand their fucking guts. They didn’t have to watch their older brother— the only person who ever loved them and ever would— die in their arms because of their own fucking mistake. No one who attends Hope’s Peak has had to deal with shit like that. No one who is selected for this prissy fucking school has ever had to deal with any of that. 

 But he has. Fuck, he has. 

 And it burns him inside to know that— no matter what this school may fucking want to say— he does not belong. He will never belong. He just... can’t. 

 Fuck... he can’t stay here. H-he can’t leave, he’s already said he’ll attend and like fuck is he going to back down, but... shit. He needs to ride. He has half an hour until his stupid fucking ‘orientation’ that he’s been told he absolutely cannot skip, but that’s more than enough time for him to get on his hog and ride around. Feel the wind in his hair, not a care in the fucking world... shit. No better feeling than that. He doesn’t have to worry about stupid fucking shit like fitting in or making a good impression when he’s on the road, flying down the street. Fuck... 

 Turning firmly away from the room that is labeled as his but just isn’t, Mondo marches over to the door, opening it carefully, stupidly concerned about breaking something and being told he has to somehow pay for that shit. He slides out of the room, silent as a fucking mouse, head scrambled with the emotions he never can figure out how to untangle. Anger. Rage. Hatred. Inadequacy. He hates it, all of it, but he can’t make it go away. That’s why he needs to go out for a ride. The only time he’s ever felt even somewhat okay is when he’s on his baby, flying over the pavement. Going so fast the thoughts and feelings and fear can’t catch him. 

 He’s so distracted— head tangled so utterly and completely— that he isn’t paying attention to his surroundings. He supposes, later, that it was because he had assumed that he didn’t have to. Everyone knows better than to get on his bad side, especially when he’s already clearly upse- pissed off, so he just... takes it for granted that everyone with good fucking sense will give him a wide breadth and leave him the fuck alone. It’s how it’s always worked before. 

 Which is why he’s jolted out of his anger filled thoughts by the feeling of someone running headfirst into him. It doesn’t hurt, of course not, but it’s shocking enough to make him look up, eyes wide with his surprise. Usually, he’d be tense as fuck, wondering who dares attack him, but for some reason, he just... isn’t. He doesn’t have time to decipher just why he isn’t, when he hears someone let out a soft noise of surprise, his eyes focusing on the person who ran into him, seeing only shades of black and white before they... they start to teeter backwards, their eyes (were they... red? No, he had to have been seeing things, who the fuck has red eyes) shutting as the person (male, they’re male) begins to fall. And then...

 He doesn’t know why he does it. He really, really doesn’t. All he knows is, as he sees this person, this boy (and they are a boy, they look young, prolly a student) start to fall, his... his arms jerk forward, grabbing the boy around his waist, pulling him firmly to his chest, causing the boy to let out a soft ‘oof’ at the contact. 

 This all takes place in the span of one fucking second, and his head is fucking reeling as he tries to make sense of what just happened. 

 Okay. Take stock. He’d been exiting his room, he knows that. He’d taken one fucking step out of the doorway, the door shutting behind him, when he’d been run into. His body, for whatever fucking reason, had decided to grab the person who had run into him, pulling them against his body. And he’s now currently holding the fucking boy against his chest, pressed so completely to the other that he can feel every shuddering breath the boy takes as it fans across his exposed collarbone, causing goosebumps to break out all over his body. 

 Okay. Right. Got it. Makes sense. 

 What the absolute fuck?! 

 “Hey! Watch where the fuck yer goin’, asshole!” 

 The words burst from his lips before he can even consciously think about them, the anger that is always present inside him taking control. He doesn’t really mean to sound so angry, he’s just... he doesn’t know. Confused? Baffled? Whatever it is, it’s not a feeling he likes, and so the anger comes out, covering up the uncertainty like a mask. It’s how he’s kept himself safe all these years, not showing a hint of weakness, of uncertainty. Anger masks so much, after all. 

 It’s too bad it can’t mask the strange way his stomach is clenching at the feel of the slighter boy in his arms, the faint scent of citrus assaulting him, making him feel slightly dizzy. He can feel hard muscle under his hands, which is strange, considering how short the boy in his arms is, barely coming up to his chin. It’s all causing his brain to short circuit and it- it doesn’t help that this is the closest someone has been to him in a non-violent manner in... fuck. Over a year. Not since- s-since Dai—

 Well. He doesn’t usually allow people this close, not when he’s not intimidating them, not when he’s not beating the shit out of them, so why- why is he- why had he pulled the boy to him, why isn’t he pushing him away, why- w-why- wh-

 “Language! This is a school, and we are required to adhere to the rules in place at all times! And one such rule is no foul language on school grounds! Because the school year has technically not yet started, I will let you off with a warning this time, but if I hear such language again, I will not hesitate to hand you a detention slip! Am I understood?!” 

 Mondo feels himself reel back at the shouted, forceful words, blinking in surprise as he looks down at the boy who had been in his arms a moment ago, and yet now is- is not. What the fuck? Mondo hadn’t felt him leave the embrace— fuck, no, not embrace, they weren’t fucking embracing!— and yet clearly, he must have, as he’s now standing half a meter away from him, an angry glare on his face, hands on his hips. What the fuck...?

 It’s then that the words the boy said catch up to him, making him want to reel back again, but he manages to keep it contained, not wanting to look like a fucking idiot, shit. He opens his mouth to shoot back an insult, telling the asshole to mind his own fucking business, but then he just... stops. Legit, straight up, fucking stops, mouth hanging open like a dumbass, eyes wide. And he has no idea why, he never does shit like this, shows weakness and uncertainty, but... but...

 His eyes really are red, ain’t they? he thinks softly to himself, his own eyes taking in the wide, shockingly red eyes. And it’s not like he’s never seen someone with red eyes before, right? He has, a couple times. Usually it’s creepy as fuck, like some Terminator shit, wigging him the fuck out, though he’d never fucking admit that. But... but the boy, his eyes... well. They’re not creepy, not even with how they’re glaring at him. Not at all. Not... not at all... instead they- they’re...

 Beautiful.

 Strange. Really... really fucking strange. 

 When he sees those red eyes meet his, finally halting in their dizzying roving of his face, he can see shock within them, shock that he understands perfectly, because he is frozen solid and has no idea what to fucking do. Usually he’d start yelling, his anger covering for him as he tries to mask his discomfort, but for some reason it just- it’s just not happening. He feels frozen, weightless, and so fucking confused. 

 Who the fuck is this boy... and why the fuck am I acting so fucking stupid? 

 When the boy finally breaks their eye contact, cheeks bright red, Mondo finally jolts out of the strange fugue that has overcome him and can finally look away from those captivating strange fucking eyes. However, the anger, it just... doesn’t come. It just... doesn’t. 

 To give himself something to do while his brain fucking reboots, he lets his eyes dart over the boy’s face, like he knows the boy is doing to him. The first thing he notices (other than those eyes, fuck) are his fucking eyebrows. If they even qualify as eyebrows, with how fucking large they are. Jesus Christ, they take up half of his face, don’t they? They’re currently all furrowed, which makes him honestly look a little intimidating, but Mondo is not the kind to be intimidated easily, so it doesn’t bother him at all. And as strange as the larger-than-life eyebrows are, they strangely... suit him. The fuck?

 He tears his eyes away from the weird ass eyebrows, then, not liking the thoughts he is having, and instead looks up at his hair. Mondo often judges people based on how much effort they put into their hair, since that shit is fucking important, and this boy... well. He’s definitely not winning any style points. His hair is entirely jet black (basic), cropped short (lame), and likely gelled up to be spiky (lazy). Usually, people who have such a hair style are dismissed immediately by Mondo, as he doesn’t care at all about such basic bitches who can’t be bothered to take care of their ‘dos, and yet... and yet... like everything else about this strange fucking boy, it doesn’t really... look bad on him. It just... suits him... 

 Okay. This is- this is getting weird. Why isn’t he getting angry? Why isn’t he yelling? Why- w-why-

 Unbidden, Mondo feels his eyes dart down to the boy’s lips, and- holy fucking shit. Mondo can feel his stomach lurch as he takes in the pale, rough looking lips that are currently pulled down into a harsh scowl, and yet- yet it... it doesn’t look bad. It- he... they look like they’ve been bitten so many fucking times they must be sore, fuck. Clearly, the boy must be the type to worry a lot if the way he bites his lips is anything to go by. 

 Or maybe he’s a kinky fucking bastard who kisses a lot of fucking people who bite the shit out of his lips, his mind supplies unhelpfully, causing him to take a quick inhale of breath at the absolutely horrible thought, because now he’s thinking about it, about this- this boy, fucking kissing chicks so much that he has permanent bite marks on his lips, his body going hot at the thought, and he- he-

 He watches as the boy’s kiss bitten lips drop open, his arms dropping dully to his sides, a dazed expression on his cherry red face. Mondo feels his eyes dart back up to those fucking eyes, his body both hot and cold at the same time, and he knows this has gone on long fucking enough, Jesus fucking Christ. 

 Forcing himself to blink to wake himself from the fucking stupor he’s entered into, he feels himself reel back again as he jolts himself into the land of the living and away from whatever weird dream land he’d somehow entered into, shit. He lets out a forceful puff of air, a startled laugh that does not sound at all amused, his mind finally (finally) catching up and letting him respond to the words the boy had said almost fifteen seconds ago, shit. And as he speaks, a small spark of anger finally fills his heart. Finally. 

 “Yer fuckin’ kiddin’ me. Right? What are ya, a fuckin’ hall monitor?! It’s school, dipshit. Don’t matter what we fuckin’ talk like here.” 

 Mondo watches as the boy blinks at his words, looking taken aback for a split second, before his expression turns hard, those fucking eyes glaring again, his arms coming up to cross over his chest. Not that Mondo looks. His eyes are— stupidly— staring at the boy’s eyes again. Because, like... why the fuck not, right? Jesus Christ...

 “As a matter of fact, I am! I applied for the position of hall monitor over the summer break and was awarded it! It is a great honor, and it is a duty I take very seriously! I do not wish to start our year off on the wrong foot, but I will not tolerate rule breaking of any kind, no matter what you or anyone else may think of the matter! If you do not like the rules, you can take it up with the headmaster! Is that understood?!” 

 Mondo stares at the boy like he’s grown another head, something about his clipped and proper words so fucking strange to him. He’s like- like a fucking computer or something! Or an old-fashioned scholar! Shit, he’s never heard someone sound so fucking proper before, and it’s just... weird. And his words... Jesus Christ. He actually is a hall monitor, isn’t he? And he’s proud of that fact. 

 Mondo lets his eyes dart down to the boy’s outfit then, taking it in in an instant, snorting when he sees that he’s actually wearing the school’s stupid as shit uniform. Fuck! School hasn’t even started yet, and besides, the uniform is fucking optional for Ultimates. Which this boy must be, right? The reserve students are kept in a separate building than the Ultimate students (which is so fucking stupid, but whatever), and unless this kid somehow broke in, he prolly belongs here or something. And Mondo somehow doubts that the boy would go against the order to keep separate from the Ultimates, given his words about following rules and shit... and, oh, shit. He’s a goody goody, ain’t he? Ha! How fucking rich! And he has the fucking gall to try and lecture him...? Ha!

 Finally over the weird fugue he’d entered into earlier, Mondo lets himself laugh, cold and cruel, not letting the almost miserable expression that overcomes the boy’s face at the sound sway him. Though, fuck... he certainly is expressive, ain’t he... 

 Pushing that thought away since it’s fucking stupid as shit, Mondo smirks and decides to fuck with this little bitch ass loser, who can’t even handle looking at him, his fucking eyes now glued to the ground like the pathetic loser he is. After all, he absolutely loves fucking with fucking hall monitors. Bastards, thinking they can get him to follow the school’s dumbass rules, trying to fucking control him, shit. They all break in the end, though, realizing real quick that he’s just not worth the effort. 

 He never is.

 “Jesus Christ, yer actu’ly bein’ serious, ain’t ya? Damn, you some goody two shoes, then? Shit, don’t tell me we’re in the same class, are we? Ah, fuck, goddamnit. Can’t believe I’m stuck with such a fuckin’ tightass, shit fuck.” 

 He watches with dispassionate eyes as the boy’s shoulders stiffen further at his words, misery clinging to him like a coat or something. It... it’s strange. He’d looked so strong and impassioned earlier. He honestly would have thought this boy would have held out longer against him than this. It shouldn’t surprise him, though. No one can hold out long against him. They’re all too fucking afraid. 

 Well, good! They fucking should be! He’s the biggest and baddest motherfucker around, after all! He always has been!

 (He has to be.) 

 This is why it shocks the shit out of him when he watches the boy puff himself up, his eyes clearly full of tears with how shiny they are, and yet he still glares like he was born to do it, the red practically on fire as they blaze with righteousness and life. And then the boy has the fucking gall to poke his finger into Mondo’s chest, looking for all the world like he’s the one who is bigger and badder, despite being an entire head shorter and a lot leaner, even if Mondo knows that he is muscled. 

 It’s honestly super fucking impressive, especially with the tears that still cling to the boy’s eyelashes and with how his body trembles, showing his fear. 

 And it’s also infuriating as shit. 

 “My name is Kiyotaka Ishimaru, and you would do well to remember it! As I said, I do not wish to start any battles, but I also will not tolerate anyone breaking the rules! This is your last warning, if I hear or see you breaking the rules again, I will not hesitate to give you a week’s worth of detention! Do you understand me?!” 

 Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

 Did this... did this boy actually fucking say that?! Did he just fucking threaten him?! Who the absolute fuck does he think he is?! Kiyotaka fucking Ishimaru... shit. He said the name like it is something that should be impressive, like Mondo should know it or something, and yet he has no fucking clue who this little fuckwad is. The name Ishimaru sounds a little familiar, but not enough to ring any bells. 

 Shit, he’s prolly the kid of some rich businessman, ain’t he? The kind who thinks they’re top shit because their daddy is made of money. Oh, fuck, he hates fuckers like that. Those rich kids who think they’re so much fucking better than him, when they sure as hell ain’t! He may be a fucking biker and a criminal, but he has a hundred times more honor than any fucking rich kid, with their billions of yen and yet no fucking empathy or compassion for those with fucking nothing. 

 Oh, he’s going to have so much fun tormenting the shit out of this little fucker! Ha! 

 With a sharp smile he’s spent years perfecting to look peak menacing, eyes smoldering with the absolute loathing he feels inside, Mondo leans in, quick as a wink, fucking loving the way that the rich fucker flinches, like the little bitch he is. Not so tough now, without daddy’s money to protect him, is he? Ha. Fucking thought so. 

 Leaning in so close that his lips practically touch the boy’s ear, knowing how intimidating that shit is, he hisses out his words, hatred bleeding from his every pore. He’s worked far too hard for far too long to let little shit stains like this one think they have anything on him. They don’t. They don’t. They don’t. 

 He’s Mondo Fucking Owada, and. He. Will. Not. Be. Controlled. 

 Not by fuckers like this one. 

 “Listen here, an’ listen good, ya piece a’ shit. I ain’t gonna change fer no one, got it? They invited me ta this school, knowin’ full well who I was an’ who I wasn’t gonna be. An’ I sure as hell ain’t gonna be some prissy, goody fuckin’ two shoes, mindin’ my fuckin’ language like a fuckin’ square. Ya have a problem with that, ya can have a nice chat. With my fists. Ya understand? Ya asshole?”

 He expects the boy to be shaking in his boots by now, terrified out of his rich kid mind. No one can take Mondo at peak menacing and not be pissing their pants like a little bitch. Certainly not weak ass rich boys like this. Smiling smugly, Mondo leans back, eyes smoldering with his fucking win. Ha. Beat that, motherfucker. 

 And yet...

 And yet...

 And yet-

 The boy does not back down. 

 Oh, he’s shaking like a leaf, fucking trembling up a storm, but his eyes... god. They hold such fire. Such life. He... he’s never seen someone look so alive before. So passionate. It... g-god. Fuck. And his lips... they contort in an awkward fucking way, like the boy (Ishimaru, his name is... is Ishimaru... fuck) is trying to smile and yet it comes out like a grimace more than anything, but it’s not- not bad. And his... his words...

 “If you must resort to violence to solve your problems, then that is very telling of your character! Rules are in place for a reason, and without them the world would descend into chaos! I will not allow that to happen! If you choose to take your aggression out on me, then I cannot stop you! But I will warn you that I have mastered many forms of self-defense and while I will not fight back, I will not stand by idly! You do not scare me, so if that is what you are trying to accomplish here, you are wasting your time!” 

 Okay, that is fucking it! This- this fucker-! He’s honestly trying to fucking lie to him, saying he’s not afraid, when he clearly is?! And there he goes, trying to pretend that he’s better than him again, fuck! How fucking dare he?! Does he not know who the fuck Mondo fucking is?!

 Well. If he doesn’t now, he fucking will soon. 

 With an angry growl, mind blinded with abject rage, Mondo takes a hold of that fucker’s fucking uniform and lifts him bodily, slamming him harshly against the wall. He can hear the boy let out a harsh breath, the air clearly knocked out of him, but he doesn’t let that stop him as he presses up as close to the boy as he can (doing his best to not remember earlier, which feels so far away from this moment that it might as well have happened centuries ago). And when he leans in, lips touching the fucker’s ear again, he makes sure he sounds more menacing than he ever has before. 

 He wants to make sure this fucker learns his goddamn lesson. 

 “Ya goddamn piece a’ shit! Ya got no idea when ta fuckin’ quit, do ya?! I tried ta be nice, but now? Yer pissin’ me the fuck off! Do ya have any idea who the fuck I am?! I’m Mondo Fuckin’ Owada, ya goddamn asshole, Ultimate Biker Gang Leader! So, ya might wanna fuckin’ reconsider bein’ afraid a’ me, ya got it?!” 

 There. That should do it. He can feel as the boy trembles against him, his body shaking like a fucking leaf in a hurricane. He can feel his breath as it puffs against his neck, shallow and quivering. There’s no way the boy doesn’t know exactly who Mondo is now, he’d felt how he’d stiffened when he’d said his name. He can’t fucking pretend he ain’t scared shitless now! Ha! 

 Pulling back— eyes and smile full of the smug satisfaction of breaking this fucker’s will— he can’t help the absolute shock that fills him when he feels something grab the sleeve of his jacket. It doesn’t hurt, no, but it sure as hell shocks him. And when he looks up into fucking blazing red eyes, he can’t stop the way his hands tingle, wanting to gasp at the goddamn ferocity he finds on that youthful face, though he doesn’t. 

 It... he... he looks so...

 F-fuck... 

 “I have already told you, Owada-kun, that you do not scare me,” the boy (Ishimaru, fuck, he said his name is Ishimaru, Mondo fucking knows that) says softly. So softly Mondo almost doesn’t hear him. It’s such a juxtaposition to how he’d sounded earlier that Mondo almost feels shaken, unease rising in him even as he forces his nostrils to flare, a mimicry of trying to intimidate that he absolutely does not put any heart into. 

 Because... holy shit. It’s not often that someone actually fucking throws him for a loop. This boy— Ishimaru— looks so fucking weak. Deceptively weak. With his large, watery eyes, and his prim and proper get up, and his fucking insistence to follow the fucking rules. Most people like him that Mondo has met before would crumble like a house of cards when pushed against, and the strangest thing is that Ishimaru had. He had crumbled, he had fallen, Mondo had seen him with his utter misery and fear. 

 And yet... 

 Well. 

 And yet, it seems like Ishimaru is the type to pick himself up when he falls. The kind who does not allow himself to crumble. The kind who... who...

 Who never knows when to quit...

 Now, why does that sound so fucking familiar...

 “I do not care what you do to me. I have faced more than you can ever know, fighting for what I know to be right. You can beat me all you want, but I will not back down. I will persist! My mother taught me to stand up for what is right and true, and so I shall! So, do what you like, Owada-kun, I will not stop until you and your band of criminals is brought to justice! You have my word on that!” 

 Huh. Fucking... huh. 

 Mondo should be furious at the words. He should be blindingly angry. And he is, he knows he is, he can feel the anger rise in his eyes, can feel as Ishimaru shrinks down, even with how fiercely his eyes (his fucking eyes) still blaze. There he goes, pretending he’s better than him again, pretending he’s actually as righteous as he masquerades himself to be. Mondo should hate this boy, this fucking hall monitor, for daring to think he can stand up to the likes of fucking him. He should. He should. 

 And yet...

 Hm. 

 He can feel Ishimaru tremble against him as silence echoes through the hallway. He can see the fear, the terror. And it’s not like people have never looked at him like that before, far fucking from it! He’s seen every fucking expression of fear on people’s faces right before he beat the shit out of them, so he knows fear. He even knows defiance in the face of fear, some shit stains not realizing that Mondo can abso-fucking-lutely break every bone in their body without facing any fucking repercussions whatsoever. That defiance always goes away after he teaches them a fucking lesson. 

 And... fuck. That’s what he should do to Ishimaru, ain’t it...? Teach him a fucking lesson. Pound his fucking teeth in, make sure he knows to never fuck with Mondo again. It... fuck. It’s what he always does when faced with such absolute pieces of shit. It’s what he knows better than anything else. How to make people fucking respect him, especially those who think they’re better than him. It would be so easy to teach Ishimaru a lesson, he even said he wouldn’t fight back, Mondo knows this. 

 So... why does he feel so strangely reluctant to do that...? 

 Well. Fuck. He can’t let this fucker get away with his defiance without doing something. He didn’t become Japan’s most notorious biker gang leader by letting people say whatever the fuck they want to him without any fucking consequences. And he knows, okay? He knows he’s prolly fucking up his chances here at Hope’s Peak, knows this little hall monitor will tattle on him to the headmaster the first chance he gets, but he- he just... fuck, he just doesn’t care. He’s spent too long building himself up to be the biggest and baddest motherfucker around to let it fall apart now. He refuses to let himself be so goddamn weak. He’s not weak! He’s not! He’s fucking not!

 He refuses to be. 

 Even if he gets kicked out of school. Even if he gets thrown in jail. He refuses to be held down. To be controlled. He refuses. He fucking refuses. 

 Never again. Never fucking again. 

 Pulling his fist back as far as it can fucking go, Mondo prepares to punch the lights out of Ishimaru, firmly ignoring the roiling in his gut at the very thought. It doesn’t matter. It just... it doesn’t matter. He’s never shied away from teaching fuckers lessons, from putting them in their fucking place. And he- he won’t now. He won’t, he won’t, he- he won’t-

 Mondo feels all the air leave his lungs when Ishimaru finally fucking breaks. He knew the fucker would, he’s seen it coming this entire goddamn time, shit. He’s been so clearly terrified, eyes full of tears that he stubbornly refused to let fall, it was only a matter of time before he crumbled; before he broke. Mondo thought he’d feel satisfied when it finally happened, like he always is when rich fuckers break like piñatas at the sight of his fists. He... he thought-

 But no. No, no, no. Fucking... no. 

 Satisfaction is the farthest fucking emotion from his mind when he sees Ishimaru flinch back so hard his head slams into the wall, not that the hall monitor seems to notice it. Not with how hard he’s crying now, honest to god crying, tears streaming down his face. Mondo should hate the boy for his weakness, like he always hates such shows of weakness, but- but then Ishimaru is raising his hands, like a fucking child, uselessly blocking his face as he tries to make himself as small as possible, like he’s afraid, like he’s terrified, like he- l-like he-

 Suddenly, in his mind’s eye, Mondo can see another little boy. No older than five. He’s crying, screaming, begging his da to stop, to leave me alone, to please don’t hurt me, da, please. He looks so scared and pathetic and afraid, god, so fucking afraid. His older brother is held up at school and his ma is passed out drunk on the couch, and he’s alone, so goddamn alone, only anger and rage and fear as his companions. He can see the boy get hit again and again and again, the relentless fists not stopping no matter how hard he begs, no matter how loud he screams, his bones breaking but his heart breaking worse. The little boy is terrified, so scared that he’s about to die, that his old man won’t stop, won’t stop, won’t stop until he isn’t moving anymore, isn’t making noise, isn’t- i-isn’t- isn’t ruining everything, g-god-

 Mondo doesn’t like to think of that boy. He hates that boy, as pathetic and weak as he is. He keeps that boy locked in a cage, so deep inside his heart he can’t ever be free, wrapped in anger and rage and defiance.

 He hates that boy so fucking much it burns him. 

 But he can’t hurt him. He... 

 He can’t hurt him. 

 He’s not his father, he’s not his father, he’s not his fucking father, he’s not, he’s not-

 Mondo doesn’t even register the pain in his fist as it slams into the wall, as unnerved as he is. He’s not thought of that boy in fucking ages, hates letting him control him. Nothing controls him, he refuses to let it, and yet he... he let the boy control him now. Let... let this boy control him. Ishimaru. With his red eyes, and his endless defiance, and his fucking fear. He...

 He should hate him. Hate him, hate him, hate him. 

 So... 

 Why doesn’t he? 

 F-fuck...

 He has no idea how much time passes before Ishimaru’s eyes open, shock clear within them, even as more tears leak out. Mondo is breathing heavily, his breath fucking trembling, but he can’t make it stop. Ishimaru looks so open, so completely open, his face an open book that makes Mondo want to fucking cry, even though he’s not cried in years. Not since Dai-

 He doesn’t. Cry. He’s stronger than that, no one will ever see him cry again, he promised that eons ago. Ishimaru, he can cry, he’s allowed to cry, but Mondo isn’t. He just... isn’t. 

 So, he doesn’t. 

 But he can’t just do nothing. Ishimaru is staring at him, through him, and he can’t do nothing. So, mind fucking blank, he says the first thing that comes to mind, like he always does, and hopes it’s not fucking stupid as shit. 

 Leaning in so very, very close again, he whispers his words. Soft and deep and fucking meaningful. He- he wants Ishimaru to feel this. He... he wants him to... t-to...

 “I’ll hand it ta ya, Hall Monitor. Ya got some serious fuckin’ balls. But take this as yer last fuckin’ warnin’. Fuck with me again, and I ain’t gonna miss next time. Do you understand me, Ishimaru?”

 He doesn’t know why he says that last part. Why he mimics Ishimaru’s earlier words, why he allows the accent he’s built himself up over the years to fade as something much more... different takes its place. He’s a good mimic, can copy accents after hearing them only once, and when he mimics Ishimaru he sounds almost respectable, which is so fucking weird, shit. But... not bad. Not... shit. Shit. Just... 

 Shit. 

 He can feel as Ishimaru shudders against him, the motion radiating through the hall monitor’s body and into his in a way that shouldn’t be pleasant, shouldn’t feel good, but— well. Well. 

 Suddenly, he can’t take it. Being close to the boy. Pressing up tight to him. His insides are so fucked up, his guts squirming like he ate fucking worms for breakfast, and he just... he can’t-

 He can’t fucking handle it. 

 Tearing himself away, Mondo watches with burning eyes as the boy fucking crumbles to the floor, like his bones have turned to rubber or his strings have been cut. He’s still crying, the tears falling freely down his face, staring blankly at the floor. Mondo can feel his hands shake at the look, heart aching softly, everything in him frozen and breaking and bleeding. Ishimaru looks so weak sitting there, like a pathetic child, and Mondo should hate him, should hate him, should fucking hate him, but he can’t hate him, he can’t hate him, why the fuck can’t he hate him? 

 G-goddamnit... 

 Ishimaru looks up then, looking so fucking despondent that Mondo hates it, and he knows he has to fucking say something to just... end this already. He can’t stay here any longer. He just... fucking can’t. 

 Steeling himself up, pushing everything the fuck down, he speaks. His words are quiet, because it seems like he has to be quiet here, lest he break something so impossibly fragile. He can’t be kind, all the kindness inside him was beaten out before he was old enough to talk, but maybe he... he can show some form of mercy. 

 His old man never did. 

 But...

 He is not his old man. 

 “I’mma leave this here, ya got me? I ain’t the kind ta hold grudges, not ‘less I hafta, so I ain’t got any problem lettin’ this slide. I ain’t no fuckin’ bully. But ya cross me again, I will fight back. Got it?” 

 He wants Ishimaru to say something. To say he won’t let him break the rules, that he refuses to back down or- something. Anything. 

 Anything to show that Mondo didn’t break him irreparably, oh god-

 But he doesn’t. He just... he doesn’t. 

 Instead, Ishimaru just... just fucking nods. Weak. Dull. Lifeless. Far from the passionate creature he had been minutes ago, before Mondo had broken him. Like Mondo breaks everything. People... people break so very easily. He’d learned this a long time ago. So, so long ago. 

 He wishes Ishimaru hadn’t broken too. 

 He had been so alive. 

 Fuck. 

 He shuffles awkwardly and watches with a softly aching heart as Ishimaru curls his legs up to his body, hugging them tight, like they’re his only lifeline. He’s not looking at Mondo now, his dull eyes staring at the ground listlessly, no longer leaking tears but still full of so much heartache it’s not funny. It hurts so bad to look at him, and Mondo just... he can’t. He just... fuck. 

 Turning to leave, Mondo sighs softly, pausing one moment before he begins to walk away, knowing that the kindest thing he can do is to just... leave Ishimaru the fuck alone. Let him gather the pieces of himself and maybe... maybe put himself back together. And maybe now he has finally learned his lesson and won’t try to control Mondo again. Mondo should be happy at the thought. He should be. 

 He isn’t. 

 Typical. 

 It’s as he’s almost at the end of the hallway that he stops, not even really sure what makes him do it. He just... can’t leave it here. He owes Ishimaru nothing, absolutely nothing, but... well. He knows he’s fucked up here today. He let himself get lost in his anger like he always does, and he’s been burned. But he’s not the only one who was. He... he’s not the only one. 

 As soft as he can manage, he lets the words out that have been building inside him since he saw Ishimaru crumble to the floor, breaking something within him that he hadn’t even known had once been part of him. His voice is weak and pathetic, but, for once... he doesn’t really care. 

 It’s what Ishimaru is owed. 

 “... you, uh. Yer pretty fuckin’ brave. Fer a Hall Monitor, that is. Ain’t a lot a’ people who can go toe ta toe with me, even fer a couple a’ minutes. So, uh... yeah. See ya ‘round, I guess. Neighbor.” 

 With that, Mondo finally sweeps away, leaving the moment in the hallway behind physically, but never mentally. He... fuck. He doubts he’ll ever be able to forget the sight of that boy, once so full of life and light and passion, crumbled so pathetically on the ground, all because Mondo had cut his strings. 

 All because Mondo is a fucking monster. 

 Why had he ever thought he could be anything different? 

 He doesn’t belong here. He... he knows that. He’s always known that. From the minute he saw the letter, he knew that it was too good to be true. That a piece of garbage like him could never be allowed such a gift. He’s not even been here a day and he’s already ruined everything. Ishimaru will eventually pick himself up and he will tell the headmaster what Mondo had done, and Mondo will be forced to leave. This is sure to happen, he knows it. And he fucking deserves it, shit. Monsters like him shouldn’t be in places like this. Gilded and shining and bright. Ishimaru, now he... he belongs here. Him, with his pristine uniform and his formal speech and his good grammar. Mondo has no idea what his Talent is, but it’s prolly a good one. One with meaning. One that will send him far. 

 God, Mondo wishes he could hate him. Him and his rich kid life, and his prolly loving parents, who taught him good morals and good grammar and how to be good. Mondo didn’t really have that. He had Daiya, yeah, and he’d never trade the life he had with his older brother for anything, but he also had his old man. And his ma. And he... 

 Shit. 

 Shit. 

 Just... shit. 

 Mondo enters the first bathroom he can find, marching over to the sink and washing the blood off his fist. It doesn’t seem like he broke anything more than just skin, but it will still likely hurt like a bitch for a while. Good. He wants it to. Wants it to fucking ache. 

 Once it’s as clean as can be, he goes into the first bathroom stall he finds and grabs a handful of toilet paper. It’s the thick kind, the ones he’d used to nick from the store just to see if he fucking could. He has actual gauze in his bag that he left in that fucking room, but he- he can’t go back there, he just… can’t. Instead, he wraps the makeshift gauze over the bleeding knuckles, watching with a perverse satisfaction as the bright pink blood soaks the formerly white paper. It’s oddly hypnotizing to watch as it spreads, really. He allows himself a couple of moments to watch it as it goes, before he keeps going, wrapping enough toilet paper around his wound so his blood doesn’t get everywhere. He exits the toilet stall then and freezes when he catches sight of himself in the spotless mirror, unable to look away, no matter how much he wants to. 

 God... fuck. He looks so utterly pathetic, doesn’t he...? Yes, his hair is up in his typical pomp, and his eyeliner is on, as fierce and menacing as ever, and his lips are pulled down in a deep and angry scowl, which is good, which is normal, which is him, but-

 But his eyes. His eyes. They... they betray him. Their light lavender hides nothing as he stares at himself, the face of a pathetic child staring back at him. So utterly pathetic. And weak. And worthless. And nothing, absolutely nothing. All those words his da called him as he’d beat him until he couldn’t see. All those words that would ring in his head, long after the bastard abandoned them, late at night when he couldn’t drown them out. All those words he knows to be true, true, the absolute truth. 

 He’s so fucking worthless it’s not even funny. The only thing he has to his name isn’t even his. 

 It’s Daiya’s. 

 Daiya built the gang up. Daiya created it from scratch and made it something so fucking impressive. Daiya was the one who was smart and good and amazing. Not... not him. Fuck, not him. 

 And Daiya should be the one who is here. At Hope’s Peak. He’s the true Ultimate Biker Gang Leader. Not Mondo. 

 Not Mondo. 

 Mondo can feel tears build up in his eyes as he thinks of his brother, but he forces them the fuck down and scowls at himself in the mirror. He forces his eyes to follow the motion, the lavender following his command after a couple moments, completing his look once more. He’s not a little boy. He’s a man, or close to one, and he refuses to let himself become that child again. He’s more than that. He’s better than that. He must be. 

 He has no other choice.

 He doesn’t know what time it is when he exits the bathroom, other than he’s prolly fucking late for the stupid orientation bullshit Hope’s Peak is making them do. He’d say to hell with it and just skip, like he always fucking does, but... but he finds himself meandering in the direction of the gym, where he knows they’re expected to go for the instruction part of their orientation. He doesn’t even mean to, he just... does it. 

 (He refuses to acknowledge the thought that whispers he does it to see if Ishimaru is there, to see if he’d been able to glue himself back together yet, if he- if he’s not still broken into teeny tiny little pieces.) 

 (He isn’t. He isn’t. God, fuck, he isn’t.)

 Mondo walks into the orientation late, not bothering to answer the fucking teacher when he asks where Mondo was, just taking a seat between a teen who is too fucking fat and another who actually looks kind of decent, what with his bright orange, clearly dyed hair, and the white punk jacket, and whatnot. He’s not the kind of dude Mondo would normally speak to, but he seems decent enough. He even makes him laugh with a snide comment about one of their new classmates, which makes him okay in his books. He calls himself Leon Kuwata, and it’s not a bad name, he guesses. 

 (Sure as hell ain’t Kiyotaka Ishimaru. Sure as fucking hell ain’t that...) 

 Ishimaru is staring at him. He can feel it. His eyes are livelier now than they had been as he talks to the two people in his group, a fragile looking flower of a girl and an utterly unremarkable boy. But they’re still so, so empty. So distant. They don’t have the passion from earlier, and he- he kind of hates it. He knows he shouldn’t be looking, but he can’t help how he chances a glance every chance he gets, watching the boy as he raises his hand every other minute to ask question after question after question. It should be annoying. And it kind of is, even the teacher looking frustrated by the end, but- but it also kind of isn’t, and that sentiment seems to be true for so many fucking things revolving around Ishimaru, doesn’t it? Ishimaru keeps looking back at him, like he knows Mondo is staring, and Mondo knows he should stop, shouldn’t let his unease be so fucking noticeable, but- well. He can’t help it. His eyes are drawn to the fucking boy like he’s a magnet or something. It- it’s really fucking annoying. 

 And it also isn’t. 

 Jesus Christ. 

 Eventually the lecture part of the orientation ends, and they are led around the school, Mondo not so secretly watching that fucking boy as he looks at the school around him with wide eyes. He’s clearly trying to pretend he’s not so blown away by the school, but he’s such a bad fucking actor, shit. Mondo doesn’t really see much of the school itself, not with how drawn his eyes are to the back of Ishimaru’s fucking head. 

 His hair is so fucking stupid and lazy and basic, no care put into it at all. 

 Mondo wants to hate it. 

 He can’t. 

 God fucking dammit. 

 Eventually the tour ends, too, and he’s allowed to head back to his fucking room, the goddamn thing that started this whole fucking mess. Mondo doesn’t want to, wants to go out and ride his hog, but he knows he shouldn’t do that until at least tomorrow, to give his fist a little time to heal. He usually wouldn’t care, but he just... he doesn’t know. He’s tired. So goddamn tired. While the room makes his fucking skin crawl, making him want to tear it the fuck apart, it’s at least somewhere relatively safe. Maybe. He hopes. 

 He gets jolted from his doze on the ridiculously comfortable bed (that he hates, too, wishing it were just shittier, fuck) by the sound of the doorbell ringing. He frowns at the oddity of it and waits a minute for something to happen. He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for, but when nothing occurs, he honestly considers just ignoring it and going back to sleep. 

 And yet...

 Something in him is too curious to let it lie, so he gets up with a loud sigh and slumps over to the door, swinging it open without a care. 

 When he sees no one in the hallway, he gets kind of pissed off, thinking it was some kid playing a fucking prank on him, shit. But since there’s no one in the hallway— whoever it was prolly having fled to not get caught— he figures he should just let it go and move on. With another annoyed sigh, Mondo moves to close the door, only to pause when his eyes catch sight of something on the ground, right before his doorway. 

 With a frown, Mondo bends down, wondering what the fuck it is, since it’s sitting innocently in a brown paper bag, the kind loving parents pack school lunches in so their children don’t fucking starve to death. He never got such a thing, and only ever got such bags on shitty occasions. Literally. Shit, it’s not shit, is it? That would happen sometimes at his old apartment— the one he rents at a steep discount since he’d saved the owner’s life once—which was located in a shitty fucking neighborhood. He’d have thought Hope’s Peak to be above that kinda shit, but who knows? 

 However, when he opens the bag cautiously, he can’t help but blink when he sees the contents. It- it’s...

 First aid supplies...????

 Huh. Yeah, it fucking is. It’s a spool of gauze, a sleeve of a few ibuprofen, and a fucking ice pack. Who the fuck...?

 It’s then that Mondo notices the note in the bag, which he takes out with his non-injured hand, feeling strangely nervous about reading whatever is written there. 

 And as he reads it, the handwriting so fucking neat he’d think it was printed if it didn’t have some ink splotches from a malfunctioning fountain pen, he can’t help how his heart starts racing for reasons he firmly doesn’t think about. 

 Owada-kun,

I brought you this for your fist. I hope it heals soon. 

Sincerely,

Kiyotaka Ishimaru, class representative. 

 Huh. Fucking... huh. 

 That stupid fucking hall monitor... actually brought him some first aid supplies for his fist, all because he wanted him to heal soon. Fucking... huh. 

 Unbidden, Mondo cannot help how he stares at the signature, his thumb absently running over the kanji without his brain telling him to. 

 A myriad of pure summers, huh...? he thinks to himself absently, feeling so very wrong inside but not knowing why. Sounds about right. He sure fucking reminds me of summer...

 Shit. 

 Mondo shoves the letter into the desk drawer he doubts he’ll ever fucking open again, content to ignore the fucking note as best he can. But it’s not like it matters. 

 He’s already memorized it. 

 (And he’ll never fucking admit it, but the ice helps. He already had some gauze and some pain pills, but... well. 

 Fuck.) 

[spine-buster]

I love your non spoiler responses with patience is a virtue, because it just proves that we're gonna be obsessed with the new chapter as we always are. Matt + Effie content is what we all love and need. It brings me back to when you posted TPWP and we'd all be here begging for tiny little clues and crubs every week lol

😁😁😁

I have so much fun answering but I don’t want to give too much away because I love the element of surprise. I also love finding new gifs I can use as reactions LOL

[janiedean]

idk if you've ever talked about this, or if someone has asked before, but do you think it's possible that brienne could be the "younger, more beautiful woman" from cersei's prophecy? I just read a post by someone who had a theory about that and while I'm not fully convinced, it also makes a surprising amount of sense. the "younger" bit is obvious and as far as the "more beautiful" part is concerned, it could mean different things (like "beautiful on the inside" or since beauty is subjective, (c)

(c) it could mean "subjectively more beautiful", maybe to jaime or something). because the prophecy does say the "younger, more beautiful woman" would take from cersei everything she holds dear/loves, and I know she loves power and herself most of all, but it /could/ include jaime. and tbh, brienne has already "taken" jaime from her, since he went with her instead of responding to cersei's letter. also, if he's the valonqar, it stands to reason he's going to be the one to kill her, and I (c) always thought if that happens, it'll involve brienne somehow (like jaime will kill cersei in order to save/protect brienne somehow). so do you think there is a possibility that brienne /could/ be the "younger, more beautiful woman" from the prophecy? I know everyone thinks it's dany, but I think it'd be much more interesting if it turned out to be brienne. especially because cersei would never in a million years see it coming. and I'd love her utter shock lol.

first thing: my pal @robb-greyjoy​ once wrote excellent meta about the specific possibility of brienne being the younger and more beautiful queen and jaime actually getting kingship and honestly it’s a lot better put together/thought than any theory I have on that specific prophecy so I’ll just go and say that his opinion on the subject is imo fairly well-thought/sourced and honestly if it happens it’s probably gonna go like that for those reasons.

second thing: the maggy prophecy is the one on which I don’t have VERY SURE ANSWERS (differently than the aa/tpwp one) because it’s worded VERY vaguely and cryptically for very good reasons EXCEPT that I have a pet crackpot theory I’ll discuss at the end of this. buckle up because this is gonna be long as fuck but when it comes to prophecies I like to basically tear that shit apart by comma XD

 now, what I mean is, we have:

“Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.”“Will the king and I have children?”

"Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.”

now, this shit is worded VERY carefully for a reason (as tyrion said: PROPHECY IS A MULE THAT KICKS YOU IN THE TEETH) and when it comes to asoiaf prophecies I think the most important part when analyzing them is that the solution is never the one the characters think or that seems the most obvious to them. like, tldr but when it comes to azor ahai/tptwp I’m 100% in the jon snow camp because of the death that COMPLETELY FULFILLS THE REQUIREMENTS GOING BY BACKROADS/HINTS AND NOT BEING OBVIOUS and like... for US it’s obvious but for people in westeros? JON SNOW being azor ahai is basically wtf forreal, it’s not narratively obvious for THEM. anyway never mind my opinion about jon being AA, that was to explain how I go at this kinda shit. now, sadly for us, the OBVIOUS canon elements to decipher the maggy prophecy are not all there because again, let’s go in order:

“Queen you shall be… until there comes another, younger and more beautiful, to cast you down and take all that you hold dear.”

now this bit already is problematic af because if we go at it STRICTLY LINGUISTICALLY:

‘until there comes another’: this already is a minefield because in english it could both be ‘another queen’, or ‘another woman’ or ‘another person’ and it’s not specified at all whether that person is male or female, just younger and more beautiful - now, I once used that loophole to write crack fic where JON was actually that person but I mean... it could absolutely be a man as far as grammar says, so like this younger and more beautiful person could be a) a new queen, b) another person either male or female we just don’t know;

‘take all that you hold dear’: problem is, now here we’re on another level of interpretation because that implies deciding what cersei holds dear. now, I absolutely do not subscribe to the school that she holds dear her children bar joffrey and I think she thinks she holds jaime dear but the only things she holds dear are a) herself, b) the iron throne, c) power, d) her position. so, do we go with what cersei thinks she holds dear, or what she really holds dear?

and that’s problem one.

problem two, the other bit:

“Will the king and I have children?”

"Oh, aye. Six-and-ten for him, and three for you. Gold shall be their crowns and gold their shrouds, she said. And when your tears have drowned you, the valonqar shall wrap his hands about your pale white throat and choke the life from you.”

this also has a SHITLOAD of language to unpack, specifically:

‘will the king and I have children’ + ‘sixteen for him and three for you’. obviously robert had sixteen bastards and she had three with jaime but she asked WILL THE KING AND I HAVE CHILDREN so if maggy’s replying separately like will he have them and I will I have them it adds, if it’s implied that cersei’s three are with the king then it gives more credit to @robb-greyjoy​‘s theory about jaime getting kingship at some point (even if I think that’s going to go to jon eventually but there could be others in between);

‘gold shall be their crowns’ also implies that myrcella gets to reign before she inevitably dies but nvm we can at least suppose that all of those three kids die period BUT if we include them in the ‘all that you hold dear’ part then younger and more beautiful whoever they are has to be somehow involved in it but I would exclude that option tbqh;

‘when your tears have drowned you’ has to be after losing all she holds dear because cersei crying for any other reason is out of the question;

also, if her aerys wildfire plot is also book canon (and I think it is) then it has to be after that, too, so we can put it safely either at the end of six or early seven;

‘the valonqar shall wrap his hands’: now this one is THE minefield. first thing: we can absolutely and utterly exclude that it’s tyrion because cersei thinks he is (same as we can exclude margaery from the younger and more beautiful pick of people because cersei thinks it’s her), and not just because cersei is REALLY unreliable in the sense that until now ANY TIME she’s assumed something it turned out to be the contrary, but because as stated above: the person is not who the narrative would make characters assume. AA is jon snow and no one in westeros would even consider it (melisandre HAS R’HOLLOR SPELL IT FOR HER AND SHE DOESN’T GET IT) and the valonqar is no one obvious. now, I used to think it had to be jaime because the text specified he’s younger than her technically and because she doesn’t expect him to be at all BUT there’s also a few reasons why I don’t know if jaime’s the most likely candidate now - I prob. had too much time to think about it BUT...

a) jaime doesn’t have hands, he has just one, and choking someone with a fake hand is usually not a good idea if you don’t want a fight;b) cersei is convinced that they’re going to die in a murder-suicide dumbass way and him killing her is still half of it and eeeeh idk;c) jaime does not need any further trauma tied to her tbh I mean I don’t think he’d gain anything by killing her and certainly not catharsis;d) I’m 99,9% convinced that jaime and brienne post-stoneheart go looking for sansa together (remember that he hasn’t been seen for weeks when cersei asks where the hell he disappeared at the end of adwd) and swearing fealty to her together and going north which would put jaime way out of the way geographically (sure he could come back later if there’s a book equivalent of the cersei/jon/dany meeting in the pit but TO KILL CERSEI SPECIFICALLY esp. if at that point he’s left her for brienne for good? dunno.) also I’m also 100% convinced that the prophecy bran had in agot where he saw sansa in a snow castle with three people defending her from a giant is jaime/brienne/sandor vs gregor unless I remember it wholly wrong but nvm;e) jaime’s thematic journey is also to get the fuck away from cersei and have his own life and idk if being the valonqar works with that;f) choking is... a fairly personal and cruel method of killing someone so unless this is metaphorical (possibly) idk if I see jaime who has been seen favoring clean, quick deaths and wanting one for himself would kill someone by choking when it’s slow, painful and he’d have to literally watch her life disappear from under his hands, and that someone being CERSEI I mean even not loving her anymore I can’t see him wanting to make her suffer when killing her if he did that at all;

also: it says ‘the’ valonqar, not your valonqar. cersei thinks it’s HER valonqar. but maggy never said that;

moral of the story: it could literally be ANYONE’S FUCKING YOUNGER BROTHER not necessarily hers;

and on top of that............ large mega extra spoiler: no one especially not maggy hasn’t said that the valonquar and younger and more beautiful aren’t the same person. like, I might be reaching here, but like.... you can’t rule that out.

so like, at the end of this entire delirium I think we can reasonably say the following:

cersei’s going to lose her crown before she inevitably dies;

her downfall will have to be tied to someone younger and more beautiful than she is but we don’t know if it’s a queen or if it’s not;

she’s dying choked or anyway suffocated and whoever’s doing it is someone’s younger sibling not necessarily hers;

tommen and myrcella are dying before she does;

it’s not tyrion;

it’s sure as hell not margaery.

now, again, we can reasonably suppose that her trial in the book ends like the one in the show ie she blows up the sept with AT LEAST the high sparrow and margaery inside it. and that’s like all about it.

now, again: I do like the idea of brienne being the younger and more beautiful person that takes jaime away from her, but I highly doubt it’s likely if it means her being QUEEN or taking cersei’s actual place, but if everything cersei holds dear also means power and her throne..... I don’t know how brienne is gonna do it. I mean, out of any woman in the run she’s the one with most likely chances and for those reason I refer you to damien’s meta above because like I 100% agree with that reasoning given that it happens, but as stated before if she’s off with jaime doing knight shit and saving sansa and hopefully getting him laid it might cause issues. I also would exclude sansa categorically bc she’s going north and that’s where her story’s headed so she’s not coming back to KL to take cersei’s place and dany seems way too obvious too me and also I don’t think cersei’s lasting until dany even gets to westeros in the book timeline imo. sure dany’s a valonqar, but also.... why the fuck would dany choke cersei when she can feed her to drogon? I mean, still more likely than sansa or marg (who’s toast) but less than brienne and still not exactly working out.

that said: as far as I personally am concerned, I’m more leaning towards thinking that the valonqar is a man but not cersei’s (also because to choke people you have to be strong and brienne choking cersei is out of the question she wouldn’t do that she’d give her a clean death if she had to kill her) and I’m not excluding that the valonqar is also younger and more beautiful.

NOW, thing is: at this point anyone is a good candidate. I mean, again, with these elements I could give you a mostly convincing case of fucking jon snow being the valonqar AND younger and more beautiful that would crumble on itself the moment we’d go back to the choking because jon wouldn’t choke her to death he’d have no reason, but other than that: jon’s younger, book version jon’s most likely more beautiful than she is ON THE INSIDE AT LEAST (show version is way prettier lmao), jon has the best claim on the iron throne among the current people if you’re a targ sympathizer or if stannis dies along with shireen (probable tho not like in the show) so if he takes the throne he would take away everything she holds dear. AND jon is actually a valonqar if you consider him rhaegar’s last son.

except that as stated it makes no sense with the choking and time-wise it makes no sense, right?

right. so now I know we’re wildly beyond the original purpose of this question but follow me a moment because I have a crackpot theory about this that MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT BE SO CRACKPOT. 

step one: we have stated that the valonqar has to be a male younger sibling of someone’s who would have very good reasons to choke cersei. and we established that younger and more beautiful takes away everything she holds dear which to me is not jaime but her throne. we also can reasonably assume margaery dies when cersei inevitably explodes the sept and that tommen/myrcella die after SOMEHOW.

step two: who is someone’s younger sibling who is alive in the book and who would want to choke cersei for revenge and who is reasonably near king’s landing at this point in the narrative? idk but this dude is not dead in the book:

I mean, would work, right? knight, certainly not weak, cersei’s sent him on a death mission and has written him for dead, would certainly want to avenge his sister disfigured or not. could work as younger and more beautiful too except that he’s most likely disfigured now, but I mean, how the fuck would loras even do it?

step three: who are the two assholes who are technically about to invade storm’s end? aegon vi targaryen and jon connington. what happens after they most likely take it? they realize that stannis’s residence was actually dragonstone or most likely move on to dragonstone. who is on dragonstone?

yeah, exactly.

step four: so let’s say that meanwhile news arrive that cersei blew up margaery and tommen’s dead. loras most likely doesn’t appreciate. also let’s remember that aegon’s requirements to get into his kg are ‘you should be willing to die for me’ and that’s it and loras was ready to die for tommen but I MEAN NVM THAT.

step five: let’s say loras decides he’s Done and wants revenge so he teams up with them to turn his cloak on cersei and helps them get to king’s landing - possible, especially since no one would stop them with stannis being north.

step five: is aegon vi targaryen younger and more beautiful than cersei? most importantly, does he have a claim to the throne (nvm if he’s real or fake it’s not important now)? even more important, varys is in king’s landing keeping cersei’s ruling on a fucking respirator because he’s waiting for aegon and jonc to get there and he needs her there because she’s a weak ruler and she’s insane so people would of course want her deposed and varys has been planning that for fucking years. long story short: aegon vi targaryen fits all the younger and more beautiful that will cast you away parts of that prophecy and cersei doesn’t even suspect that he exists, while loras fits perfectly the valonqar part of it and would have very good reasons to want to choke her to death if she killed his sister. and even if loras was not the valonqar... aegon is someone’s valonqar (rhaenys’s) and like he probably wouldn’t have reasons SPECIFICALLY to choke her to death but I mean if cersei went off about his mother or something like that.... still more probable than jaime given all of the above.

conclusion, at the end of this goddamned mess of a novel: the younger and more beautiful person who’ll cast her away and take what she holds dear (her throne) could very well be aegon and the valonqar could be loras.

idk if I’m betting real money on it but I think I have a pretty solid case here. IDK GUYS.

tldr: I like the brienne theory but I’m skeptical on how it works and while I absolutely would not bet real money on the above, I think it’s...... more textually plausible.

thanks for coming to my ted talk and sorry for having gone completely off the rails with this question but if it actually happens I want it written down somewhere that I actually had thought this through XD

[possessingtheproperspirit]

Not sure if this has been done (or should be tbh...) For the unusual asks, tpwp James pov of the moment the glass ceiling fell or there after... <3

The 'or should be' really made me laugh 😅 thanks for sending this, lovely doe! It's not much, as he is pretty well indisposed when the glass ceiling shattered, but it's a little something. Spoilers for The Price We Pay end of chapter 14...

James remembered the pulse of fear. He remembered a sense of urgency, one he wasn't used to feeling. And he remembered worrying, for a brief, foolish moment, that he might have hurt Cadence and Lily as he shoved them to the floor and threw himself on top of them. That was the last thing he remembered clearly.

That, and the pain.

There were snatches of consciousness, but they were few and fleeting: one, aware of screaming around him, screaming very close by; two, floating, along a cold and empty corridor of the school; three, the desperate, angry sound of his mother, pushing her way past the Healers and into his hospital room.

Unconsciousness wasn't just a soothing black void, though. It was like a fever dream (later, the Healers would posit that this was something to do with the cursed glass; James decided they didn't really know, and thought it was as good a guess as any) - he was back in the Great Hall, then he wasn't; he was with Cadence, then Lily, then he turned around and they were gone; Charlie Swift was shouting something to him, but she was too far away, and he couldn't hear her over the din of the hall...

He dreamed he was drowning in his own blood.

It was a relief, in many ways, to wake up.

[possessingtheproperspirit]

Perspective flip - TPWP Sirius after the attack at the end of 6th year - waking up and hearing Remus talk to Owain…

Thanks for sending this lovely! <3 spoilers for chapter 15 of The Price We Pay...

It wouldn't have been hard for Pomfrey to send him on his way sooner: he wasn't as ill as a lot of the others in the hospital wing, he wasn't actively bleeding that much anymore. She could've sent him back to the dormitory with a blood replenishing potion and freed up a bed.

Fuck, she could've sent him to sleep in the owlery and it would've been better than being here for this.

Sirius didn't think of Remus as a cruel or callous bloke. But, given everything that had happened lately, for him to drape himself over Owain on the bed next-door, and call himself Owain's boyfriend...that was a different level of cruelty.

(He knew, deep down, that Remus wasn't cruel. That this was a situation entirely of his own construction, that he'd walked into this mess and done his utmost to make it even fucking messier.)

(But that didn't make it hurt any less.)

“Did you hear that, Black?" Ollerton's voice cut through the fog, and Sirius looked up, doing his very best to look blank and uninterested. "Got myself a boyfriend and all I had to do was almost bleed to death.”

“Yeah,” he murmured, and didn’t even try for a smile. What was there to smile about? “I heard.”

[possessingtheproperspirit]

✅🎯🥺 thanking you <3

thanks for these lovely doe! <3

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

I'd guess there's loadssss of little phrases that I say a lot in real life that pop up in my writing. I can't even imagine how many times 'to be fair' or 'in all fairness' must be in TPWP. Worrying. 😅

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

Various people guessed the truth behind James having 'forgotten' Lily in FMN. Also I'm sure some readers have spotted characters' true motives in TPWP but I won't get into which ones for fear of spoilers.

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

I like the gentle little moments, quiet ones. I especially like it if one person is extremely awkward about it and the other is just pouring out their heart. Thinking James and Remus in the dorm in TPWP. <3

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP SPOILERS!!

Hi guys!! This is a post I’m adding to the story that explains a part that occurs in the last chapter, so please don’t read until after reading the chapter, since it’s very spoilery!!! Thanks!!!

(And, yes, I am posting tonight! It’s just late since I had homework and a meal with family, ha. But I wanted to post today no matter what, so here we are, ha.)

(Also! I use part of something else I wrote on Tumblr, so if you’re reading and think it looks familiar, it’s because I reused it from something else. Most of this is new, though, ha.)

~~~~~~~

 So… Mondo’s behavior in this chapter. I know a lot of people won’t like it and that it’s gonna be controversial, but I still wanted to have it like that, for a couple reasons. One reason is because, in canon… Mondo isn’t the best person, y’all. He has good qualities, yes, but he also has bad ones. His anger causing him to kill Chi, anyone??? And I just… I didn’t want to ignore that, you know? I wanted to address it and acknowledge it, since a lot of people kind of just… ignore it or push it aside. But it’s a big part of him! So… yeah. 

 Another reason is that I honestly think it’s how Mondo would react, based on how I’ve been writing him. Like… Mondo has been doing his best to accept everything that’s been going on between him and Taka, but so much has happened in such a short amount of time that he’s not been given the time to really come to terms with everything. He keeps pushing it down, keeps ignoring it, and that… that’s bad. Ya know? 

 The entire thing with the ‘not-a-date date’ was Mondo trying to test the waters. He was trying to see if a relationship between him and Taka could work out. If such a thing were possible. He didn’t ask Taka out, since he knows he has problems with that, and also… it would have made it so much harder for him, having it be voiced like that. It would make it real, a real thing they’re doing, and the pressure would have destroyed Mondo. Completely and fully. 

 In fact, that’s why Mondo ran at the end of the last chapter. By having Taka say “I’m in love with you,” suddenly everything became real in a way Mondo couldn’t handle. He was doing his best to go through the date without freaking out, without panicking. But then Taka kissed him, said he loved him, and for the first time Mondo allowed himself to acknowledge that oh god, Taka actually means this, he’s in love with him, it’s not just puppy love, and that just… it was too much. He couldn’t handle it and everything he was trying so hard to keep down came back up again. His self-hatred. His lack of self-worth. He didn’t deserve Taka’s love, he felt. He didn’t deserve to have Taka view him positively. He didn’t deserve to have Taka, period. 

 He spent their entire friendship dreading the day Taka would leave him, since he was convinced Taka would, and for the first time… Mondo had to deal with the thought that maybe Taka wouldn’t leave. That maybe Taka was content with staying for the rest of his life, if possible. And that scared Mondo so much, because he knows what he’s like. And he knows that he’d find a way to ruin it. That even if Taka doesn’t want to leave now, Mondo would ruin it and hurt Taka, and Mondo… Mondo couldn’t do that. Couldn’t hurt Taka, not on purpose. Not on accident. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting Taka, but he knew that he would if he stays with Taka.  

 When he ran, that wasn’t out of malice or a desire to hurt Taka. Instead, that was Mondo’s way of protecting Taka from the panic Mondo could feel building inside of him. Panic that he knows from experience turns all too easily to rage. He didn’t want to hurt Taka. He never wanted to hurt Taka, but he could feel it building up and he knew he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. So, he fled, knowing that running was the only thing he could possibly do to make things even somewhat better. 

 Taka running after him was probably one of the worst things Taka could have done for Mondo in that moment. And it’s not Taka’s fault! Not at all! In fact, it’s very understandable why he ran after him, and in the grand scheme of things it’s what was needed for them to work through their problems. But for Mondo and his well-being… he honestly needed to be left alone to comprehend everything that had happened in a timely manner. 

 By running after him and forcing him into the conversation, Taka was backing Mondo into a corner, something Mondo cannot handle. The feeling of being trapped made Mondo lash out, even though he didn’t want to. He was scared, and when he’s scared he tries to regain his footing by being bigger and badder than the thing causing his fear. Which, sadly in this case, was Taka. 

 This is something that has come up many times in this story. When scared, anxious, or nervous, Mondo will say anything possible to regain his footing. He will say things he doesn’t mean, he will scream and snarl and act every inch the monster he thinks himself to be. And this isn’t good! This is bad, very bad, but Mondo doesn’t know what else to do. He was never taught how to act any different. Daiya tried, but honestly, Daiya wasn’t perfect and he had his own things he was struggling with. Not to mention he was only eight years older than Mondo and was young himself. He didn’t know how to help Mondo with his anger, so he did what he could to teach Mondo how to direct his anger at people who ‘deserve’ it and keep it from those who don’t. Having all those rules of what a ‘real man’ can and cannot do. But that doesn’t help when the anger is so bright Mondo can’t contain it at all. He never learned how to contain it. 

 All of this came to a head in the bathroom. Everything Mondo had been keeping down for months had come out in the worst possible way and Mondo was finding himself saying things he didn’t mean in order to try and protect himself. And it was abusive and cruel, and Mondo later does acknowledge this. He acknowledges that he was abusive and he doesn’t let Taka just excuse it away like Taka always does when people hurt him. But neither does Mondo let it ruin what he and Taka have. He acknowledges it, vows to do better, but he doesn’t let it bog him down with insecurity. 

 At the end of TPWP, there is a lot that is not resolved, and the main reason for that is because things in real life often don’t get resolved all at once. It takes time and effort and dedication. Mondo isn’t going to magically get better just because he wants to. Neither will Taka. And the problems the two of them have aren’t just going to magically go away just because they love one another. They will have to work on it, and that’s going to take a lot of time and effort to have happen. It’s one of the reasons why I wanted to write sequels to TPWP, and I was able to write a little, but I’ve just been struggling with writing lately, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to write all I wanted to, sadly. Just know that, no matter what, they do manage to work things out eventually. This is a non-despair AU, so they have the rest of their lives to work on things. As long as they have open communication… they can make it, I believe. 

 Overall, the main reason I chose to have Mondo say and do those things is because I wanted to show that just because Mondo has anger issues and lashes out, does not make him irredeemable. He messes up and he hurts people badly. Very badly (again, what he did to Chi in canon, anyone???). But that doesn’t make him inherently evil or unworthy of having a second chance. He acknowledges his mistakes, knows intimately his flaws, and he actively works towards getting better and not being the person he was. 

 Now, in real life, this sort of thing is very tricky and you should always be careful when around someone who acts like Mondo. Just because they don’t want to be abusive doesn’t mean they won’t be. ‘Good people’ can hurt people just as much as ‘bad people.’ Often times, it’s the ‘good people’ you have to be most careful around, since it’s often times hard to see it coming with them. 

 But I didn’t want to ignore Mondo’s canon problems. His canon anger and proclivity to saying things that are hurtful. It’s nice in fanfic to ignore things like that and say ‘well, they’d never hurt the person they love, not even by accident, so it doesn’t matter!’ Which is… wrong. Mondo has as much likelihood of hurting Taka as he did of hurting Chi in the game. It’s all about context and situations. And Taka… like I said earlier. Taka kind of forced Mondo into a situation where he felt trapped and as such he lashed out. And, again, it’s not Taka’s fault! And Taka definitely did not deserve what Mondo did. But I don’t think it was uncharacteristic for Mondo to act like that. 

 It doesn’t mean that’s all there is to Mondo, though. Like in the game, he has multiple layers to him. And while it’s definitely a red flag that Mondo will do things like this, I think it says a lot about his character that he acknowledges his issues and consciously makes an effort to change. And he does. By the end of this chapter, he makes a conscious, deliberate decision to stop being the way he is, even despite Taka saying he doesn’t want Mondo to change. He makes a choice to do better. Will he never mess up? No. He will. He will mess up and he will likely hurt Taka again, though I don’t think he’d ever do it to this level, never again. But the point is he will always, always try to do better. 

 A lot of people in modern times like to pretend that people can only be good, or only be bad. But the reality is that people are neither. People are inherently neutral and we make good or bad choices. What matters most in my eyes is what you choose to do. Mondo messes up and he hurts people. In canon, he straight up murdered Chi all because of his anger and his inferiority complex. Mondo is the only person in the first game who’s murder was not premeditated at all. Leon had at least some time to cool down and think about what he was doing and Celeste obviously planned her murders. Mondo killed primarily because he got angry, and that’s not something I wanted to just ignore. 

 Like it or not, Mondo is flawed. He hurts people and oftentimes you can’t fix that sort of thing. He couldn’t in canon. Does that mean he can’t ever get better, though? Does that mean he can’t ever change? I don’t think so. I don’t want to think so. I want to believe that anyone can change if they truly want to. And I personally believe that Taka does, too. Which is why Taka believes so much in Mondo. In this story, at least. Taka isn’t naive, he just has hope for Mondo. And it’s something to be careful about, since it so, so easily can turn out bad for the two of them. 

 But… in my eyes, it doesn’t. Not in the ‘Problems’ universe. Mondo— despite messing up sometimes— ultimately learns to control his anger over time, consciously working on controlling it every day. And Taka helps him. Taka encourages him and guides him and helps him. Just like Mondo helps Taka with his insecurity and anxiety. It’s all about give and take. And you can guarantee that their friends are looking out for them, you know? Hina especially, making sure that things turn out for the better for the pair. 

 The main point of this all is just… Mondo is flawed, but that does not define him. Just like Taka’s anxiety doesn’t define him, either. Mondo’s anger issues aren’t his fault, the reason he lashed out here was because he felt cornered and overwhelmed and kind of scared, which reminds him of his past and his trauma, but that doesn’t mean he is allowed to leave it unchecked and hurt people without care. And he knows that. And he actively works towards making it better. And that… that’s so, so important in my mind. People mess up. People hurt other people, sometimes irreparably. But they still have the ability to try and do better, even if they can’t fix the things they’ve done. Everyone always has the ability to try, if they so choose to take it. 

 Anyway. I hope this explains why I chose to have Mondo do the things he did in this chapter. I knew it was going to be controversial, but I wanted to do it anyway. And I’m not trying excuse his actions away, I’m not. I’m just… I’m trying to explain them and show that doing horrible things doesn’t always permanently ruin you. There’s more I could go into here, but I don’t want to get super controversial, so I’ll leave it here. 

 I don’t know. I hope y’all like the ending regardless, or at least can understand why I did what I did. I do, and I personally am very happy with it. And at the end of the day, that’s what matters most, I suppose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP Chapter 19 Spoilers!!!

Hi guys! 

So, in chapter 19 of TPWP, I chose to go a more explicit route than it had been going previously. I decided to write about why I did that, as well as go over Mondo’s mentality during it all, since I don’t have his perspective written yet, oops.

It prolly will be best to not read this until after reading the chapter, though, or else this won’t make any sense, ha. 

You can find the explanation under the read more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Okay. So, when I was originally thinking about this story, I didn’t have much idea of where I wanted to go. Right? I was just like “I have the desire to write, so I’m gonna write.” No plans for where the story would go, no real end game in mind. Just… I wanna write, so I’m gonna write. Everything else will come with time. 

 It wasn’t until around chapter… 13, 14? that I started to have a strong idea for where I wanted this story to go. I’d had small ideas before, like in chapter 12 I knew I wanted to add a Halloween festival (which originally was going to be a dance before I remembered Japan does festivals, not dances), and I knew I wanted to have the sauna scene somewhere. Also, in chapter 9 I knew I wanted to have Chihiro befriend Mondo and have them tell Mondo their secret (which, by the by, was originally going to occur back in chapter 9 instead of in chapter 17. Rather than have Taka get all passionate and demanding, Taka and Mondo were going to overhear some dude harassing Chi in the library, they were going to follow the voice, and Mondo was going to be all “oh dude you’re gonna regret that,” ha. That was gonna have Taka be all “oh dude, he’s not all bad, is he?? Huh…” and Chi would be like “woah he’s a nice guy. Maybe I can tell him my secret???” But then I got sidetracked with the passion and couldn’t fit that in, but knew I wanted it somewhere. But I’m very much digressing, ha).

 Anyway! While I had individual plot points figured out, I didn’t have anything major. Nothing concrete, just a bunch of mostly unrelated ideas. 

 But then. Then, in chapter 13, I wrote the, uh… “nocturnal emission” scene. I did that mostly because I was growing tired of the slow burn and wanted some relief of having them kiss and confess, without it ruining my plan. But when I was writing and editing it, I kept thinking “man, wouldn’t it be cool if they did something like this? If they were all “dude you’re so awesome and I’m so attracted to you and I really wanna do ~~~sexual stuff~~~ with you, hahaha. Platonically, of course!!! Ahahaha!!!!”

 I didn’t think it would work at first. I knew I wanted this to be a slow burn and I knew I wanted to end this story right before winter break, so I couldn’t have them get together until this story ended. I was afraid that having them ~~do things~~ together would have them go too fast and would make things complicated. 

 But I was really starting to like the idea. I began seeing ways I could play with the idea without it being inherently romantic, with having them still deny their feelings. I didn’t know if it would work, but I decided to lay down the groundwork anyway. I wrote chapter 18, figuring it would be funny and make both boys painfully aware that they ~~~like~~~ the other (even if Mondo denies it), if nothing else. And then I figured, well. Why not write chapter 19? Worst case scenario, I don’t use it and write something else. And I usually hate doing things like that. Once something is written, that becomes my canon, usually, and it’s hard for me to do anything different. But I can do it, so I figured it was worth the risk. 

 I was very iffy with the chapter at first. The first part of the chapter was hard to write and was initially… not good. Very clunky and awkwardly worded and I didn’t like it. But I kept going because… whatever. I had the idea of making Taka aware of Mondo’s decidedly not platonic interactions with him, since I figured that even Taka would begin to see the truth when all the evidence points in that direction. Plus, I figured it would be good set up for what I wanted to have happen. Taka does not strike me as the kind of person who would do anything sexual unless he really liked and trusted the person he was with. I kind of head canon Taka as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, ha. Projection, I know. Maybe graysexual, with Mondo as a kind of exception, or demisexual, feeling attracted to Mondo now that he was romantically interested in him. But because of that, I didn’t think he’d just be willing to jump into Mondo’s bed, so to speak, if he didn’t have some inkling that maybe his feelings were reciprocated. 

 And as for the actual sexual encounter… that had come to me back in chapter 14, when Mondo and Taka were discussing all of that. The way I saw it, the idea kind of… stuck around in Mondo’s head. Now, I’m ace. Right? I don’t really understand sexual attraction. And while I do feel desire and all that, I definitely understand people who don’t feel anything sexual at all. But I imagine that allo (people who feel sexual attraction in general) people with no concept of what asexuality is wouldn’t understand something like that. They wouldn’t understand not feeling desire. And so, it concerns Mondo, who uses that sort of thing to destress and forget his troubles for a little while. 

 Upon hearing that Taka doesn’t, and knowing how tense Taka always is, it niggles at Mondo and makes him worry for Taka. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling sexual desire and not wanting to pleasure yourself. I imagine that Mondo could even understand if Taka didn’t feel desire at all, and if he didn’t want to do things like that in general. But what concerns Mondo is that he KNOWS Taka feels sexual desire. I’ve not yet discussed this in the chapters yet, but, uh… ya know Taka’s “nocturnal emissions?” Well… let’s just say that he is very vocal during them. And he has been known to let slip a certain name. The owner of said name definitely hearing Taka and knowing exactly what that means, even if it kind of shorts his brain out to think it, ha. 

 Anyway. This has been rattling around in Mondo’s head for weeks by this point. If my timeline was how I originally had it, it would be longer, but since I had to condense everything, it’s been like… 2 weeks since Halloween? And Mondo has been thinking about it constantly despite himself. Even more so after the bath. He knows Taka is tense, knows that jerking off helps relieve tension, and he knows that Taka is attracted to him in some regard, even if Taka thinks it’s wrong. 

 And I would like to state for the record that Mondo ABSOLUTELY meant the offer innocently when he first brought it up. He just wanted to be all “hey bro. So, I know you don’t do this since you find it morally wrong, but it’s not, and it would be cool if you tried it. No one would blame you. And if you wanted to think of /me/ while doing it, well that would be cool too, HAHAHAHAHAHA-”

 But when Taka started getting all upset, Mondo started getting upset. He really cares about Taka, and he hates seeing him cry and be unhappy. And when Taka mentioned feeling broken and wrong, Mondo /hated/ that. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Taka at all. Even if Taka didn’t feel any arousal, he wouldn’t think there was anything wrong with Taka and would be 100% supportive. 

 But the thing is, he /does/ know that Taka feels arousal. He does know that Taka feels these things and is perfectly able to do it all, given his dreams. And so, he /knows/ that Taka’s problem is a mental one. And he thinks that maybe if Taka just… forces through the problem, like Mondo often will, well… maybe that would help. And Taka would feel better about himself. And he’d be able to have a way to relieve tension. 

 (And, of course, Mondo would be able to see the guy he’s unwittingly crushing hard on jerk himself off, but that’s completely beside the point, right???? Mondo’s just a really good bro and wants to help his bro in any way he can. Bro.) 

 He didn’t quite realize how much he’d enjoy the whole proceedings, though. And oh, did he enjoy it. Watching Taka touch himself. Watching Taka watch /him/ as he touched himself, his eyes full of desire and heat, clearly desiring Mondo deeply. It was the first time he realized that maybe… just /maybe/ there is something more to what he’s feeling. More than the familial love he’s been telling himself he feels. And it’s not like he’s never felt attracted to Taka, or like he’s never wanted him, right? He has. Many times. But those times he’d make excuses. Tell himself he was just horny in general and that it had nothing to do with Taka personally. That he didn’t actually want Taka but just wanted /someone/. But this… this is the first time he can’t really excuse it away, not with how much desire he currently is feeling. He does his best not to think about it, just keeps going, wanting to help Taka, but… it’s now there in the back of his mind. A tiny little seed of doubt and desire. 

 And when Taka pulls away, tears in his eyes, saying that there’s something wrong with him, that he’s broken, well… Mondo is so far gone by this point, ridiculously turned on, and he’s drowning in his concern. He hates seeing Taka so unhappy with himself, and he wants to prove to Taka that there’s nothing wrong with him. And with how far gone he is, he doesn’t think about how bad an idea this whole thing is. He doesn’t think about how supposedly straight guys shouldn’t do things like this. He doesn’t think about how he shouldn’t even be thinking about things like this at all, not if he were truly as straight as he tries to pretend that he is. All he knows is that Taka is distressed and unhappy. And that he’d do absolutely anything to make him happy again. 

 He didn’t expect to enjoy it as much as he does. Even with the niggling thought in the back of his head that he’d been enjoying the previous encounter a bit too much, he didn’t think he’d be so turned on by touching Taka. He thought he’d do it kind of militantly, a task he had to do, something that was kind of meaningless but important, nonetheless. 

 But that’s not how it felt. And Mondo was so far gone that he couldn’t begin to chastise himself for feeling how he was feeling. It was like a religious experience for Mondo, honestly. An epiphany. A moment of “oh. So that’s what I’ve been feeling.” He has no idea what it means, or why he feels like this, but he… he /likes it/. Likes touching Taka, likes making Taka feel good. He likes kissing Taka, too, and in that moment… he wants nothing more than to have Taka. All of Taka. He is so far gone that he can’t close the floodgates, can’t stop the desire he’s feeling. He loves Taka, he already knew that. But for the first time… for the first time, he realizes that he is /attracted/ to Taka, too. And it’s not as terrifying as he would have thought. 

 Of course… this all changes once they’re done, and the desire has faded. Now… getting a bit meta here. But like I said in the end notes, I initially had considered making Mondo completely fine with everything that happened. He was going to be like “well, guess we shouldn’t call each other kyoudai anymore, heh…” and it would be awkward, but ultimately, they’d realize they had sexual feelings for each other. 

 But! If you recall what I said earlier, I wanted this to be a slow burn. A VERY slow burn. Having them get together this early wouldn’t make sense in that regard. And honestly… it wouldn’t make sense for Mondo’s character, either. Not how I’ve been writing him. So, I made a decision. Rather than be okay with it… I’d make him deny and repress himself again. I came up with a reason for him to be so repressed and scared of his feelings later on, which if you’ve read the TPWM companion chapter for chapter 6 of TPWP, you have some idea of what his problem is. 

 Anyway. Ultimately, my decision to do this was less “hehe hot bois being lewd” or whatever, and was more “this could lead somewhere interesting and I’m intrigued to seeing how this will play out.” I started having an idea of where to go with this story and this plot line was very important to it, honestly. I usually hate smut that has no bearing on the plot at all, so I made this smut be purposeful and have meaning. It leads somewhere and has a purpose, I promise. 

 Also! Why I had Taka have, um… erectile disfunction issues. Mostly, I figured that he’d be the type of person to be super embarrassed by that sort of thing. And after spending at least eight years forcing himself to ignore and repress the fact that he’s gay, not to mention how upright and moral he forces himself to be, I imagine that pleasuring himself was low on his priorities. And there are people who get so very anxious at the thought of self-pleasuring, usually religious people, but I figured it would work with Taka too. Plus, it was the only way I could imagine nudging Mondo into doing such a thing. Mondo cares so much for Taka and seeing him struggling would make Mondo want to do literally anything for him. Including, uh… that, ha. And it allowed Taka to accept the help. So… yeah. I don’t know much about ED and wasn’t looking forward to researching it for this story, so I didn’t do much research and was like… it’s fine, ha. 

 Anyway, I hope that all made sense! And I hope my reasoning for it all is understandable. 

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP Chapter 20 spoilers!!

Like with chapter 19, chapter 20 also has explicit sexual content, so this is a summary of those scenes. :-) 

Summary below the cut: 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 20 summary

 Taka and Mondo sit beside one another on Mondo’s couch, pressed tightly together like usual, but with an obvious tension between them. Mondo then begins moving his hands over Taka’s body, which visibly excites Taka, indicating he knows exactly what is about to happen. 

 Mondo confirms this a moment later when he whispers to Taka, asking if Taka wants to ‘relieve some tension,’ which Taka immediately agrees to, shifting to accommodate Mondo. Taka is still pretending to watch the movie, though he is focused solely on Mondo and on the feel of his hands all over him, trailing his body leisurely. They shift so Taka is leaning against Mondo’s chest, Taka not facing Mondo. Mondo asks breathily if Taka wants this, and Taka replies that yes. Yes, he really does. 

 The scene shifts back a bit here, Taka thinking about how wrong he’d been about Mondo never wanting to be intimate with him again, recalling an event that happened two days after their first time on Tuesday night. 

 Taka recalls that he’d been growing tense again, the looseness he’d gotten after their last encounter now fully gone. He had tried to handle his arousal himself but found that he was still unable to do it. He was too embarrassed to look up his issue, and he refused to think of Mondo, thinking that it would be immoral on his part, so he was a bit stuck. 

 Mondo noticed the mounting tension, though, but mostly ignored it. Until Tuesday night, two days after their first encounter. They had been in bed, almost sleeping (Taka facing away from Mondo like he’d been doing since that night), when Mondo’s hand had started moving from his abdomen down to his hip, hovering over his privates. And then Mondo had said, softly, that Taka has been pretty tense the last few days, before offering to ‘help.’ 

 Taka had half been sure he was dreaming but was very much keen for it. He agreed immediately, not really caring the consequences this may bring. 

 (Sexual bit starts here)

 With Taka’s agreement, Mondo immediately began to touch Taka through his clothes. Mondo then told Taka that if he wanted to stop, he would stop, no matter what. Taka agreed, and then Mondo slipped his hand below his underwear and begins touching him for real. 

 Taka enjoyed the treatment very much, but he tried to stifle his noises since he didn’t want to spook Mondo. But then Mondo told him that it was fine, that he wanted to hear Taka’s noises, which allowed Taka to let go. 

 The noises clearly excited Mondo as he began to go faster, both of them very much into the actions they were doing. Taka was still holding back, though, still so unsure about everything and what was going on. 

 But then Mondo began to bite him. Gently, but with purpose. And then he’d began speaking again, encouraging Taka to let go and scream with his release. 

 The words did their job and Taka did as commanded, letting go happily. The pair basked in the afterglow for a moment before Mondo removed his hand from Taka’s underwear gently. But then, for reasons Taka didn’t understand, Mondo brought his dirtied hand up to Taka’s mouth. And Taka, still for reason he didn’t understand, licked the fingers. Taka found this very gross and weird, but Mondo clearly liked it. And since Mondo liked it, Taka kept going, wanting to help Mondo reach his release too. 

 However, before that happened, Mondo pulled his fingers away from Taka, stopping the gentle movement of his hips against Taka’s, clearly still aroused but not doing anything about it. This confused and kind of hurt Taka, who felt a little rejected, but then Mondo kissed his shoulder and pulled him close so they could go to sleep. Very tired, Taka decided to not question this and managed to fall asleep fairly quickly. He noticed in the morning that Mondo had bags underneath his eyes and looked tired, indicating that Mondo hadn’t slept. 

 (Sexual bit ends around here. A little earlier, but you get the picture.)

 Taka felt very confused, especially since they still didn’t talk about the progression of their relationship. Mondo had offered again to talk about it all, but Taka had refused, mainly because he didn’t want to rock the boat. He wasn’t even sure if it would ever happen again, since it was only twice, after all. 

 But then… they did it again. And then again. In all, over the ten days since that first time, they’d done sexual things together four times, with the current actions being their fifth. The other two times are not explicitly mentioned, but it is indicated that they followed the pattern of their second encounter, though they happened at different times of the day. Always while in Mondo’s room, of course. This leads Taka back to the current going ons, focusing back on Mondo and his present actions. 

 (Sexual bit restarts here)

 After Taka’s acceptance (this goes back to the part before the flashback), Mondo chuckles and cups Taka more firmly in his hand. Taka impatiently moves against Mondo, prompting the biker to slip his hand underneath his underwear again. This pleases Taka greatly. 

 Mondo is going slower that day, like he’s more teasing Taka than anything, before he stops entirely, to Taka’s displeasure. When Taka looks behind him to look at Mondo and see what’s wrong, he sees a concentrated look. This concerns Taka for many reasons, and he shakily asks if Mondo is alright. This jolts Mondo from his reverie, and Mondo confesses that he wants to try something new with Taka, who agrees, trusting Mondo entirely. 

 (Sexual bit kind of ends here)

 This makes Mondo smile and kiss Taka’s neck gently, before he gets off the couch saying he’ll need lubricant and that Taka should remove his trousers. 

 Taka does as Mondo asks, removing his jacket and dress shirt as well, thinking about how they have unspecified ‘plans’ later and he wouldn’t want to ruin his uniform and need another one that day. He also drapes a towel over the couch for obvious reasons. 

 Before long Mondo has returned and is behind Taka again, a favored position of his. Mondo again tells Taka to tell him if he wants to stop, to which Taka promises he will, before urging Mondo to continue. This makes Mondo laugh and reprimand him gently, saying that he should teach Taka a lesson in patience one day, claiming it can feel better if the acts are drawn out. 

 (Sexual bit resumes here)

 With the lubricant on his fingers, Mondo then slips his hand back under Taka’s underwear. To Taka’s shock, Mondo doesn’t grab him like he had earlier, but instead keeps going back to Taka’s behind, pressing his finger against him. 

 Taka thinks about how it doesn’t feel bad but is just foreign to him, since he’s never done that to himself. Mondo picks up on Taka’s unease and offers another out, which Taka declines. While he’s a bit intimidated and doesn’t know how it will make him feel pleasure, he trusts Mondo and his assurance that he’ll like it. Taka is a bit overwhelmed by Mondo’s kindness and care towards him, but he swallows it down and prompts Mondo to continue. 

 Mondo agrees and prompts Taka to relax so it won’t hurt as much. Taka does, his legs spread. Mondo tells Taka that he’s going to press into him now, and that it may hurt at first, but it should fade soon. And if it doesn’t, or if it hurts a lot, to tell Mondo. 

 And then Mondo is pressing inside. Taka finds the sensation weird at first, not pleasurable, and is just thinking that when Mondo reaches his sweet spot and pleasure floods Taka. Mondo is very pleased by the reaction, but Taka can barely think, feeling very impatient and needy. Mondo teases Taka about it and almost lets slip that he wants Taka again, but he saves it by saying he wants Taka to experience what is happening and indicates that going slower is better. 

 Taka begrudgingly agrees and waits for Mondo to move again. It takes him a moment, but soon Mondo is, and soon after that they create a nice rhythm, Taka leaning back to bury his face in Mondo’s neck. Emboldened by his arousal, he gently kisses Mondo’s neck. He then bites when Mondo moans and exposes more of his neck. Taka finds biting Mondo to be highly erotic and does it again and again, Mondo vocally enjoying the sensation. Mondo says that Taka feels good and calls Taka perfect, asking rhetorically what he did to deserve someone as incredible as Taka. 

 Mondo then presses another finger inside and Taka finds that he wants more. He wants everything. And with how far gone he is, he can’t quite force himself to stop his desire. 

 Mondo then mutters that he loves what they’re doing and finally lets slip that he wants Taka, saying Taka has no idea how much he does. 

 And Taka… as far gone as he is, he can’t quite stop what he says. 

 “I’m yours, I’m yours, Mondo, I- I... I’m yours. I belong to you, I want no one else, I- I want... M-Mondo, I w-want...” 

 These words are not what Mondo wants to hear, though, and he freezes instantly against him, breathing heavily. Taka doesn’t realize something is wrong just yet and bites Mondo to spur him on, which works. Mondo continues his ministrations, but he’s slower this time, more purposeful. Taka is so far gone that he almost doesn’t register what Mondo says next. But eventually he does. And it makes his heart ache. 

 “... no, ya don’t. Don’t belong ta me, shit, Kiyo... ya deserve so much more, so much more than a piece a’ shit like me. Y-you... you deserve so much more. I’d just fuck everythin’ up, I always do. I’m tryin’ so hard ta not fuck this up too, I wanna make ya feel good, but I can’t... shit, man. An’ I’m not gay, I’m fuckin’ /not/, so I can’t... I can’t be what ya’d need me ta be. An’ I just... I’m sorry. I really... shit. I’m just... sorry.”

 The words hurt Taka so much, more than he could ever say, but then Mondo is continuing, and Taka is unable to think about it any longer as pleasure takes over. He shoves the pain aside and just lets himself gets washed away by the sensation. 

 Mondo adds another finger and Taka looks down to watch, even though he knows he won’t be able to see anything thanks to his underwear. But then Mondo is grabbing him with his other hand, pushing his underwear down enough that Taka can see what is happening. And Mondo is watching too, Taka realizes. It’s that thought that pushes Taka over the edge. Mondo’s fingers stay inside Taka for a few moments more, before leaving gently. Mondo kisses Taka’s shoulder again but says nothing.

 ~~~

And scene! That’s the end of the smut for this chapter. :-) 

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

TPWP Chapter 19 Spoilers!!!

Hi guys!! So, in chapter 19 of TPWP there are some, uh... naughty bits. And I know not everyone is a fan of that sort of thing, so I wrote a summary of that part, and figured I’d post it here for simplicities sake and just link it in the chapter itself. The summary starts a fair bit before the sexual part starts, just to be safe. 

Please don’t read this post unless you’ve read the chapter first!! It will absolutely not make sense otherwise, ha. 

Summary is below the read more. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After thinking long and hard about how to help Taka relax, Mondo comes upon an idea that makes him freeze. Taka is concerned and questions Mondo, getting more concerned when Mondo acts very flustered. 

 After a minute, Mondo steels himself and tells Taka about his idea. He makes allusions at first, referring subtly to their conversation at Halloween before they began walking around. It takes him a moment, but eventually Taka remembers the conversation and realizes that Mondo is talking about pleasuring himself, which horrifies Taka. 

 Mondo notices Taka’s distress but he doesn’t let it stop him, and he continues to ask Taka about the topic, to Taka’s obvious distress. After a bit of a back and forth, Taka getting more and more distressed, Taka eventually reveals that he doesn’t do that sort of thing not just because he finds it immoral, but because he doesn’t know how, and then eventually reveals that the thought of it makes him vaguely sick. A big part of it, he privately thinks, is because of how he’s gay and was always privately ashamed of that fact growing up. There is also the fact that he never felt any physical attraction towards women, and refused to think of men that way. 

 Taka is visibly distressed by this point, near tears, and Mondo is very concerned for him. Taka claims that he thinks he may be broken (which, by the by, is a very ace thing, and please know that if you do not feel sexual attraction or desire there is nothing wrong with you at all), which Mondo fervently denies. Taka asks to stop talking about it, but Mondo refuses, seeing the pain it causes Taka and not being able to stand the thought of Taka thinking himself broken. 

 Then he freezes, clearly having an idea that somewhat distresses him. After prompting from Taka, Mondo reveals that he might be able to help, implying that he can help Taka learn how to please himself by, ya know… showing him how to do it personally. Which, very obviously, freaks out Taka. 

 However, after Mondo says they’ve already seen one another private parts, plus they are bros, obviously, and bros help bros, Taka agrees. He professes being reluctant, even in his thoughts, but internally he is privately very keen on the idea. So… no consent issues, I promise. 

 Soon, they are both down to their underwear and undershirts, Taka doing his best to not hyperventilate. Mondo tells Taka to relax, how he’s too worked up about this to do anything, while promising that this will change nothing between them. Taka believes him, and so he thinks about going to the beach with his parents when he was about five, which helps relax him. 

 He and Mondo talk a bit about how to go about this, since they’re both very inexperienced with this sort of thing. After a bit, Mondo says that he should just show Taka what to do, which is implied means he will pleasure himself in front of Taka. Which Taka professes disinterest in, but privately is very excited to see. While he is the Ultimate Moral Compass, he is a teenage boy who is very attracted to Mondo, after all. 

 Mondo can sense Taka’s reluctance, though, and starts getting nervous himself, realizing what exactly he is offering to do. He finally offers Taka an out, claiming that he thinks Taka should still try and work this out himself since he is positive it will help his tension, but he doesn’t want to force Taka to do anything. He gets very distressed, and Taka hates seeing Mondo upset. So, he comforts Mondo and somehow manages to convince Mondo that he wants this too, without giving away the fact he is physically attracted to Mondo. Mondo doubts Taka at first, but after a moment he sees that Taka is sincere and gains his courage and determination back. And then…

 (Sexual bit starts here)

 Mondo remove his boxers, which excites Taka more than he would be willing to say. Taka doesn’t even try and look away from Mondo’s privates, firmly not thinking about anything and letting his desire take over. He takes off his briefs when Mondo mentions it (Mondo clearly excited about seeing Taka), but he’s still focused solely on Mondo, brain mush. More so when Mondo grabs hold of himself. 

 Mondo coughs awkwardly which reminds Taka that he is supposed to be doing what Mondo is, jolting him back to some modicum of reality. He looks at himself and touches himself, but it feels wrong to him. Like he shouldn’t be doing it. And while he is very aroused and wants to enjoy it, he can’t quite make himself enjoy it like he should. 

 Mondo continues showing Taka what to do (clearly aroused by Taka, but Taka doesn’t realize this), and Taka looks back at him, copying Mondo’s moves. However, while he is very aroused, it still feels so wrong to him. He knows he’s not doing it right, but he can’t figure out how to fix it, and he’s just having a bad time, even though he enjoys watching and listening to Mondo. 

 (The sexual bit stops briefly here, so if you want to go and read this bit in the story itself, you may. It’s after the first double asterisk (**) but before the second single asterisk (*). I will be summarizing this part too if you’d like, though.) 

 Eventually, Taka has enough and asks to stop, which Mondo does immediately, very concerned about Taka, who is breathing heavy and is near tears, feeling ashamed of himself. He worries that they just ruined their friendship doing this and that he’s just broken and wrong. Mondo asks if he’s okay, clearly very concerned for Taka, and Taka replies that he doesn’t think he can do it, saying that maybe he literally, physically can’t, and apologizing to Mondo, asking him yet again to not hate him. 

 This makes Mondo very unhappy and upset, and he promises Taka that he would never hate him, saying that maybe they can do— something that he cuts off, visibly shaken by his thoughts like earlier. Taka is not in the right mind to even feel concerned, and Mondo continues quickly, saying he has a stupid idea, but that they might as well do this after risking their whole friendship thus far. He then asks Taka to walk over to the wall, claiming he will explain when they get there. 

 Mind still non functional, Taka does what Mondo asks without question. Once at the wall, Mondo tells him to face and lean against it, before stepping up behind him, exciting Taka somewhat, since they are still not wearing anything below the waist. 

 Mondo explains then that his idea was that maybe Taka’s problem was just the fact he was touching himself and that had made him nervous. But, perhaps if someone else were touching him, it would teach him how to do it for himself, very clearly implying Mondo himself should be the person who touches Taka. 

 Taka lets out an unintentional noise, freaking Mondo out. Mondo claims that they don’t have to, that it’s okay, claiming he refuses to force Taka and that he will never touch him without explicit consent, even going so far as to say that he will leave Taka alone forever if he is too uncomfortable with the offer. 

 But Taka is not. Taka very much is not. Cutting Mondo off, he breathily says he wants it, mind shutting off completely as his arousal takes over yet again. But Mondo is not satisfied with that, claiming he needs to hear Taka say ‘yes,’ that he won’t do anything until he knows for absolute certainty that Taka wants him to do it. And so Taka says he does, that he wants to do it and that he wants Mondo, revealing more than intended, but neither boy really notices. Mondo presses closer, then, and tells Taka to pretend it’s himself touching him, not Mondo. He also tells Taka that if he wants to stop for whatever reason, to tell him and he will no questions asked. Taka readily agrees. 

 And then…

 (Sexual bit restarts here) 

 Mondo touches Taka’s privates, which shorts Taka’s brain out entirely, so full of desire and lust. Little does he know, so is Mondo, who finds the whole thing a whole heck of a lot more arousing than a supposedly ‘straight’ man should. 

 Mondo proceeds to, ahem, touch Taka quite enthusiastically, cursing and moaning when Taka moans. Mondo is very clearly enjoying himself, which Taka is able to tell even in his addled state. Taka is enjoying himself very, very much, too, but he still feels some lingering shame, for reasons that are not stated but can be any number of things already stated, really. 

 But then Mondo is speaking, saying how he hadn’t realized how amazing this was going to feel for him, calling Taka baby and beautiful and saying some very dirty things. Taka is more aroused than ever, but he’s also afraid, knowing that this is a lot more than either of them bargained for and he doesn’t know where this is going to lead. If Mondo will hate him when they’re done and his brain comes back online. Or if he will hate himself. 

 But then Mondo is biting his neck, which shorts out Taka’s brain again, and he feels so desperate and so into it but is still a little resistant and scared, but then Mondo is talking again. Mondo says how he wants Taka, that he hadn’t realized how much he wanted Taka until then, but that he will never let him go now that he has felt this. He says how he has been silently turned on by Taka’s wet dreams and it freaked him out, not knowing what it meant at first, but realizing now that he’s doing this what it means, claiming he’s not afraid anymore. 

 Actually… this part is kind of important, so I’m going to post the whole dialogue, censoring the naughty bits. It’s still a bit naughty, but it’s more mature than explicit, so… yeah. 

 “Come on, come on, I know ya feel it, I know ya want it, I fuckin’ know ya, Kiyo, I know what ya fuckin’ like, I can tell ya want this. Give in. Give in ta me, let me take ya apart, I wanna see ya fall apart. An’ I’ll put ya back together, I promise I will, I ain’t ever leavin’ ya, not now... n-not now that I know how fuckin’ amazin’ ya feel, how beautiful ya look when yer falling apart, how fuckin’ incredible ya taste... I want ya, all a’ ya, ya have no idea how much ya’ve been drivin’ me crazy this week, pressin’ tight ta me, moanin’ in yer sleep, humpin’ my fuckin’ leg... made me feel so fuckin’ dirty, wantin’ ya, wantin’ ta *do very naughty things*, didn’t know the fuck it meant, was so fuckin’ scared but I ain’t fuckin’ scared, not a’ this, not anymore. I want you, Kiyo, I want you ta *Mondo this is a Wholesome Family Fic (TM), please stop being so crude :-(*”

 Anyway… Taka is very turned on by the words, and then he is watching Mondo as he Does Things to him, and then he’s ‘releasing,’ the whole thing feeling a bit like a religious experience. Soon after, so is Mondo, and Taka is struck by the realization that he and Mondo had pretty much just had sex, and yet he doesn’t even mind, not at all, because it was just so….

 Perfect. 

~ 

And scene!!! Hope that made sense, y’all, ha. I know it was a bit bare bones, but I wrote it quickly while tired, so sorry. It should explain roughly what happened in the story so you’re not confused for the end part and the next few chapters, ha. 

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

The Problem with Perfection Chapter 10 spoilers!

Hey all! So, a couple people asked for this, so I figured I’d post it. It’s chapter 8 of the companion to TPWP, The Problem with Mondo, which corresponds with chapter 10 of TPWP. Yes, this confuses me a lot too, the fact that the chapters don’t align. -.-

Anyway! Don’t read this if you’ve not read TPWP chapter 10, since it will definitely spoil that chapter, ha. Warning for an overabundance of foul language and some sexualized thinking, as well as an absent thought of suicide, same as in TPWP. This chapter is super long, about 20,000 words, and I’m posting all of it because... why not, am I right? Ha.

I did cut a few sentences from this chapter because they might spoil things for later chapters of TPWP, but they don’t really contain anything major.

The chapter is below the cut! Hope y’all like. :-)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mondo is angry. Blindingly angry. So angry he doesn’t know why he’s angry, but honestly, what else is new? He just knows that he’s angry and the reason he is angry is that goddamn motherfucking kid and his goddamn motherfucking glasses-

 “They! Are!! Glasses!!! Just!!! Wear them!!!” the boy grits out, thrusting his goddamn hand out towards Mondo, looking like he is about five fucking seconds from bashing his head against the goddamn wall. Mondo almost wishes he fucking would, to save him the fucking trouble! Unable to help himself, he scowls and crosses his arms, shaking his head firmly, so fucking pissed it ain’t even funny. 

 “No! I ain’t no fuckin’ nerd!” Mondo yells back, glaring like he was born to do it. Unfortunately, it seems so was Ishimaru, as the kid is glaring like his life depends on it, as fiery and beautiful passionate as ever. That goddamn motherfucking... 

 “Just! Wear them! The doctor says you need them! You don’t have to wear them all the time! Just when you’re reading! Stop! Being an idiot!”

 “Me?! I ain’t no fuckin’ idiot, you’re a fuckin’ idiot! If ya think I’m gonna wear that shit, yer outta yer goddamn mind! Now get that shit outta my face, ya fuckwad, or I’m gonna bash yer head in!” 

 “Like heck you will! You’re all bark and no bite, Owada! Now just! Wear! The! Glasses! You said you were okay with them when you bought them! I will force you to wear them, don’t think I won’t!” 

 “Oh, you motherfuckin’-!”

 “U-uh, g-guys?”

 Mondo and Ishimaru turn, as one, to glare at the intruder on their private fucking conversation. Okay, so maybe they’re in the middle of the hallway outside their dorm rooms, but fuck! That don’t mean shit! Eavesdropping is a nasty fucking habit and if this goddamn motherfucker doesn’t butt the fuck out right the fuck now- 

 “Shut up!” the pair shouts in unison, before turning to glare at each other again. 

 Mondo doesn’t know why he’s so angry. He doesn’t know why he’s doing this, or why he has been doing this for the past week and a half. From hot, to cold, to hot, to cold, again and again and again, never fucking ceasing. One minute he’s fine, relaxed as shit and not at all angry, maybe even feeling kinda good, and then the next...

 And he doesn’t know why. Why he’s doing this. Why he’s fucking ruining this shit, like he fucking ruins every fucking thing. He... h-he just... 

 Things had been okay, you know? Between him and Ishimaru. At first. Sure, they weren’t really friends, evidenced by how they are still referring to one another by last name, but they’d been friendly enough. Mondo had taken care to keep his anger in check, and— to his surprise— it... it hadn’t actually been that hard. It seems that Ishimaru can be pretty fucking cool when they’re not at odds. 

 He’s also a great fucking tutor. He somehow manages to not sound sanctimonious and pretentious when explaining shit, instead looking so fucking earnest and like he genuinely wants to just... help. 

 Because of that, they’d gotten along pretty well those first few days. Ishimaru had been determined to get him brought up to speed before they started the fucking novel, so he’d taken care to spend a couple hours a day hanging around Mondo, at various times. The pair usually spent an hour or so in the library after class ended, but more than that, they just... they would walk together between classes, Ishimaru rambling on and on about what they’d just learned about in class. Mondo doesn’t know why he’d allowed it, usually not caring about shit like that, but somehow... somehow, it had been nice. Hearing Ishimaru talk about the shit they’d learned, the kid better able to impart knowledge in the ten fucking minutes they had between classes than the teachers were able to in the hour plus they had. It’s not at all the sorta shit Mondo would have expected himself to enjoy, let alone look forward to, but shit. There they were. 

 But then... Mondo got stupid. He overstepped his bounds and got fucking scared, fuck. 

 They’d been in Ishimaru’s room. Mondo doesn’t know why he’d made the offer to go to the kid’s room rather than the library, like they usually did, like was safe, but he... he had. And the kid had fucking accepted, and so there they were, sitting on the hall monitor’s fucking couch, sitting too fucking close. The kid was reading the short story Teach had assigned to the class, the pair realizing it was just... easier, while Mondo waited for the nurse to contact the eye doctor for him, since it turned out that yeah, his eyes were kinda fucked up, shit. 

 He had felt so fucking weird inside, the first time the kid had read to him, since they’d been in the library and he’d been nervous someone would see them and think Mondo was an idiot who needed to be fucking read to, but... shit. This time it had just been... different. Without the fear of being judged (since Ishimaru never fucking judged him, not ever, god fucking damn), he... he’d been able to listen to the kid reading without any fucking reservations. And he’d had to admit that- that he... he liked it. A lot. Like... fucking a lot. 

 So fucking much that it had made him feel relaxed for the first time... shit. Prolly ever. Ishimaru just had a nice sounding voice, ya know? It was strangely deep, at times, when he got lost in the story, his words not too fast but not too slow. He actually emoted when he spoke, too, the sound not a dull and dry monotone like so many fucking other people he’s heard read before. It just... made him feel so fucking calm inside, like the monster inside of him had been fucking purring. 

 And... and then...

 Mondo had let his head drop down onto Ishimaru’s shoulder, eyes closing in contentment, the kid faltering for one split second, breath hitched, before he’d smoothly continued, like it had never happened. And with his eyes closed and his head resting on a warm, comfortable shoulder, hearing that wonderful cadence from that wonderful, beautiful mouth... he hadn’t been able to stop the thought. And the thought he had was... 

 God, his voice is so fucking nice, isn’t it...? Wonder what it would sound like screaming your name as you pound the fuck outta him. He’d prolly be loud as shit, so fucking passionate, clawing you to all hell, but damn if you’d mind. Shit... wouldn’t that be fucking nice...

 He had been, to put it mildly, freaked the fuck out. 

 His eyes had shot open the second the thought had crossed his mind, heart fucking pounding as he wondered where the goddamn fuck that shit came from. Ishimaru had been startled, looking at him with his wide fucking eyes, lips opened softly in shock, voice faltering for the first time and Mondo... Mondo couldn’t fucking handle it, holy fucking shit. 

 He’d immediately stood and stammered out some bullshit about needing to check on his hog, before fucking bailing, eyes wide and heart an absolute mess. He had, indeed, gone out to his hog and rode around for a bit, not wanting to think, but he’d been unable to help it. To stop it. And it... it made him feel...

 He’s not gay. Okay? He’s fucking not. There’d be no fucking problem if he were, but he just ain’t. He likes chicks, something he knows better than anything else, something he’s known since he was a fucking kid, goddamn. He’d even made sure to look at his porno mags that night, reassured when he felt his dick harden so fucking hard as he saw the tits and pussy that always made him so fucking hard to see. 

 So, he wasn’t gay. He fucking couldn’t be gay, and it’s not possible for him to like both, so he figured that the thought had meant... meant Mondo wanted to fucking pound Ishimaru’s head in, not- n-not any other meaning of the word that it could have meant. He guessed that he didn’t like being around Ishimaru as much as he had assumed and that he actually hated him, after all. 

 As freaked out as he’d been, he took hold of that idea and fucking ran with it. He told himself that he hated the kid, of course he hated him, his voice was fucking annoying as shit, not nice, not nice at all! 

 And so, the next day, he’d been cold to the kid. So fucking cold. And when the kid had tried to approach him after home room ended, looking open and earnest and so fucking cute-

 Mondo hadn’t been able to handle it. His stomach had clenched, and his heart had fucking lurched, and he told himself it was hatred he felt, it had to be fucking hatred. And so, he’d snarled at the kid, telling him to ‘get the fuck away from me, freak!’ before he’d run off, heart aching so fucking stupidly. 

 He had considered skipping class, getting on his hog and fucking booking it, but he needed to give his girl a break, and he still kinda wanted to try the whole ‘giving school a chance’ thing, so he’d eventually decided to storm into class, even if he’d been five minutes late. He’d refused to look at Ishimaru, though, thinking that seeing his stupid fucking pathetic face would fucking destroy him infuriate the shit out of him, and as soon as class ended, he’d shot out, not needing to pack anything up since he’d not fucking brought anything, shit. 

 That had kept happening the rest of the day. Every class they had together (which was pretty much every fucking class, god fucking damn this school) Mondo would carefully keep his eyes off the kid, ignoring the feel of sad, hurt, bright red eyes as they bored into him. After the second class, the kid had tried to chase after him, tried to talk to him, but Mondo would fucking turn and head the opposite fucking direction of their next class, and he knew the kid wouldn’t dare risk being late, so he’d give up pretty quick. He’d constantly be looking in class, though, lips pulled down in a frown, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Not that Mondo was fucking looking! Shit! 

 It wasn’t until Ishimaru had cornered him outside his dorm room that night, looking so fucking hurt and upset and not a little bit annoyed that they’d managed to resolve things. 

 In that Ishimaru had been so fucking annoying that Mondo had immediately started yelling, causing Ishimaru to yell back, his words bleeding hurt, making Mondo feel like absolute scum. They had been loud enough to garner the attention of most of their classmates, even fucking Togami gracing them with his condescending presence, which had made Mondo even more pissed, honestly, wanting nothing more than to be anywhere fucking else.

 It was when the kid looked about ready to fucking cry that Mondo had had enough. His insides were squirming, and he felt so fucking scared, for reasons he still doesn’t understand, but he... h-he hadn’t wanted to make Ishimaru cry again. After spending several days interacting with Ishimaru, having a lot of fucking conversations that hadn’t actually ended in the kid’s tears, he... he hadn’t wanted to go back to that. 

 And so, with all the confused fucking emotions swirling inside him, he’d yelled ‘fuckin’ fine, ya goddamn bastard! I’ll fuckin’ meet you and do that goddamn fuckin’ assignment tomorrow! Now leave me the fuck alone!’ before storming into his room and slamming the door shut so loud it made even his ears ring. 

 He’d then promptly stormed into the shower, turning the water on as hot as it could go, the water fucking hurting, but he’d wanted it to. He just... he’d felt so... so...

 Confused...

 He’d never felt this way for anyone before. So angry and scared and confused and yet also so fucking happy, so bizarrely, stupidly happy. Ishimaru fucking... he made him happy. And he didn’t know how to handle that, because clearly, he still hated the kid... right? Right? What other option was there? Why did he want to hit Ishimaru (and he had to want to hit him, it was the only fucking option that made any fucking sense) if he didn’t hate him? 

 But he’d agreed— stupidly— to meet with the kid for another fucking tutoring session after class the next day. And while the thought had made his insides squirm, he... fuck. He hadn’t wanted to make the kid cry again. God, did he not want that. Even if he did hate him— which he must, he must— he... fuck. 

 He couldn’t make him cry. 

 He wasn’t his goddamn old man.

 And so, when he got out of the shower, he’d resolved to contain his anger the next day. He’d push it down, keep it locked up tight tight tight, and he wouldn’t let it hurt Ishimaru. He’d gotten into bed (still hated it, but he was slowly getting use to the ridiculously plush material) and fallen into a fitful sleep, dreams full of wide, hurt red eyes, a sad voice begging him to explain why he was hurting him so. He’d woken an hour early with a start, heart pounding, and had spent the remaining time until he usually got up doing push-ups again and again and again, until he didn’t remember the dream anymore. 

 And then, when he went into class, carrying his supplies for once... he’d given the kid a small, sheepish smile, stomach roiling with all the emotions within it. He’d then spent the rest of home room doodling absently on the notebook Ishimaru had helped him pick out from the school store, doing his best to not think of everything and psych himself out. He’d even managed to feel almost calm as he let himself draw, something he rarely allows himself to do, but always has kinda enjoyed, even if he’s shit at it.

 Once home room ended, he’d waited for Ishimaru at the door, telling him as casually as he could that the nurse had contacted him the day before, saying she’d scheduled an eye doctor (he still can’t remember the official name Ishimaru called the dude, shit) appointment for 3:00 the next day, hesitantly asking the kid if he had wanted to come along. He could tell that the kid was taken aback, clearly not having expected such a thing, but he’d still stammered out an acceptance, looking so flustered it wasn’t funny when Mondo turned to look at him with a small, soft smile. He’d not meant to look at the kid like that, but he’d just... been unable to help it. 

 The rest of the day had gone well, the tutoring session going nicely like it had before that stupid fucking bullshit two days prior. It had happened in the library again, which Mondo figured would be safer. He’d almost started to hope that things would stay that way, stay as calm and easy and nice, but then-

 Mondo got angry. Again. 

 He doesn’t even know why, he never fucking does, but the kid had just... he’d been so fucking patient, helping Mondo pick out a pair of ‘reading glasses,’ since the doc had said he had pretty bad close-up vision and would be benefited from having prescription reading glasses, not just the over-the-counter stuff you find at drug stores. Mondo had felt so fucking lost, no idea what any of the bullshit meant, but Ishimaru had... he’d been so fucking helpful, explaining the complicated terminology and shit, helping him find a pair that didn’t make him look too much like a fucking nerd. And the pair he settled on was honestly kinda nice. It was a rectangular silver metal frame that had deep purple plastic on the sides, and it actually make him look kinda cool... if a bit nerdy. He’d given the salesperson his school insurance card and was pleasantly surprised to find he’d not have to pay a penny for the frames, since the school covers shit like that. 

 It was then, as he and Ishimaru exited the shop and the kid absently commented that the glasses made him look very smart that Mondo just... fucking lost it. 

 And he doesn’t even know why.

 It just... it made him feel weird inside. Being around the kid. Being soft with him. And he was. Soft. Soft and kind and fucking gentle. And the kid was the exact same back. The entire time they’d been in the shop, Mondo had been thinking how nice it had felt. How domestic. The panic and fear had been slowly rising in him the entire time they’d been in the store, and he’d done all he could to push it the fuck down, but he... he hadn’t...

 He’d left the kid standing there, looking so fucking confused, as he hopped on his hog and drove away. He’d not cared how the kid would get back to the school, he had refused to ride with Mondo since it made him ‘nervous’ anyway, so it wasn’t his fucking problem.

 And that pattern just... kept repeating. Mondo would get angry, say something toxic to the kid, and storm away. The kid would wait a couple of hours, maybe try and talk with him after class or something, only to eventually corner him and force him to talk to him, looking so fucking fed up, but also so fucking upset and sad and confused. Like he didn’t know why Mondo was doing this to him. Like he didn’t know why Mondo was being so fucking difficult. Like he... he didn’t...

 Didn’t know why he fucking bothered...

 And… honestly? Mondo didn’t know why either. Why he kept trying. Why he was so stubborn, always chasing after Mondo even after Mondo fucking shoved him away, sometimes literally. Even when Mondo would get so fucking nasty, making tears build up in the kid’s eyes, frustration clear in his every movement. 

 For almost two weeks this occurred, again and again and again, and Mondo... Mondo doesn’t know why the kid doesn’t just leave him already. Why he doesn’t just say ‘the hell with it,’ realize Mondo isn’t fucking worth it, and leave his ass. Like every other person on the face of this goddamn planet... 

 It’s only a matter of time until he does, though. Leave him. It’s what always was going to happen, since Mondo couldn’t ever hope to hold onto someone so very, very good. So very, very nice. Mondo is poison. He’s gas. He only knows how to destroy and break and hurt. 

 He’s not allowed something nice. 

 He’s not allowed someone nice. 

 He’s just...

 Not worthy of it. 

 Case in fucking point...

 “Look. Owada-kun,” Ishimaru spits, hands clenched around the stupid glasses case that he for some reason has (Mondo doesn’t even know how he’d gotten a hold of them, shit), looking like he wants to crush them, shit. “I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn about this! You picked them out! You said they were fine! Why! Why have you changed your mind!”

 Mondo scowls at the words, heart racing and swirling and hurting, hurting, hurting, and he doesn’t wanna be doing this, wants to stop, but he can’t, he can’t, he fucking can’t! He doesn’t know how to stop this, doesn’t know how to make this go away, all he knows how to do is break and hurt and destroy, destroy, destroy-

 “I ain’t changed shit! I never fuckin’ agreed ta wear fuckin’ glasses, now get the fuck outta my face!” 

 It’s a lie. They both know it’s a lie, he can see the anger rising on Ishimaru’s face as he processes the abject lie. Mondo had, in fact, agreed on the glasses, had even kinda liked them, but he can’t concede that, can’t say he does, if he does then- then that means he’s okay with this, this weird thing he has going on with Ishimaru, and he doesn’t know if he can handle that, handle the proof that Ishimaru is so fucking amazing, the proof that Mondo doesn’t fucking deserve him, proof that... t-that he... 

 Mondo can’t take it. He can’t fucking take it! He tries to leave, to get away, to fucking end this shit already, but then Ishimaru is grabbing hold of him, holding so fucking tight, and Mondo tries to break free, tries to get away, but the kid just doesn’t fucking let go, and Mondo is so fucking freaked out, he just wants to leave, please god, let him just leave, don’t let him break this fucking kid again, god, please- 

 “You-! You are the most infuriating, pig-headed, arrogant... jerk I have ever had the misfortune to meet! If I never saw your face again, it wouldn’t be long enough!”

 “Oh, I’m so wounded, please don’t call me anymore fuckin’ names like that, how the fuck am I ever gonna recover?!” Mondo snarls, sarcasm so thick he’s sure even Ishimaru will be able to pick up on it, wanting to stop but not being able to. “Grow the fuck up, ya cock suckin’ assfucker! Learn some better fuckin’ insults or don’t even bother tryin’ ta play!”

 “Just because I am too sophisticated to resort to such foul language does not mean anything! You may be a lowly, classless heathen, but I, for one, refuse-”

 “Oh, so now ya think yer fuckin’ better than me?! I told ya already, y’ain’t goddamn shit, Ishimaru! Ain’t no shit at all!”

 “I am one hundred times the man you will ever hope to be! And if I’m not... feces, then you’re not even worth anything at all! Y-you’re... you’re an amoeba, so tiny and insignificant that it’s a miracle you think you’re relevant at all!”

 “What the fuck did ya call me, ya son ofa bitch?!”

 Mondo sees the kid open his mouth— likely to fire something back, barely any space between them— holding onto Mondo’s arm so fucking tight, like his life depends on it or something, looking so fucking pissed and angry and hurt and fucking beautiful, so fucking beautiful, god fucking damnit-

 But before the kid can say anything, another voice pipes up, the same voice as earlier, making Mondo’s rage reach a paramount, oh god-

 “Aw, come on! I thought you guys resolved things already, do you really have to do this?! Please!” 

 Mondo turns to the fucking eavesdropper, snarling at the beyond fucking average boy. Naegi turns super fucking pale at the look, but he doesn’t cower away for once. Mondo doesn’t care. He’s far passed the point of caring. 

 “I told ya ta stay the fuck outta this!” 

 Naegi frowns, but Mondo doesn’t give him a chance to say any other stupid ass thing before he’s turning back to Ishimaru, eyes practically spitting fire as he stares so deep into Ishimaru’s that it feels almost like a physical embrace. It makes Mondo’s breath hitch for some stupid fucking reason, his stomach swirling as he looks deep into the most gorgeous fucking eyes he’s ever fucking seen-

 But he can’t feel things like that, so he pushes it firmly away. 

 He can hear their eavesdropper fucking sigh, soft and almost disappointed, and that should make Mondo even angrier, but something in Mondo is feeling so fucking weird now. G-god... he doesn’t even know how to begin to describe it, other than it feels like he’s on fire, but not even in a bad way. Ishimaru is staring at him, eyes wide, anger in them, but also something else, something Mondo can’t understand, no matter how much he fucking wants to. 

 He can’t let this end here. He wants to let it end, but he fucking can’t. He... h-he needs to figure out how to settle this, how to make this stop, how to not be as fucking pathetic as he knows he is. He... he needs to prove that he’s not as worthless as they both know he is, as weak, as nothing, so fucking nothing. Everyone knows it, knows he doesn’t belong here, knows that Ishimaru is so much better than him it’s not funny, but he- he needs to prove that he has something going for him, that he... he can do something, even if he’s worthless in every other regard, every other aspect, even if Ishimaru is better than him everywhere else he just needs to prove he can beat him at fucking something, god-

 He’s issuing the challenge before he can stop himself. 

 And god, is he so fucking afraid. 

 “You think yer so perfect, don’t ya, Ishimaru? Think yer better than me? Well... well, yer not, an’ I can fuckin’ prove it. I bet I can beat you, hands down, any day of the fuckin’ week. Y’ain’t better than me, ya shit fuck. Y’ain’t nothin’,” Mondo hisses, lying through his fucking teeth. Ishimaru is better than him. He knows it. He’s always known it. He hates it, though. Not being good enough. Not being worthy. He... he wants to be. Good enough. For... f-for... 

 Ishimaru’s eyes are shiny again, even despite his glare. 

 Typical. 

 “What?! Y-you guys aren’t going to- to fight, are you? Guys-!”

 Mondo breaks his stare down with Ishimaru to shoot that goddamn fucking bastard a single, solitary sneer, before turning back to Ishimaru, chest heaving with all the emotions he carries within him. 

 “Nah. Ground floor, there’s a sauna. Ya know it?” 

 Ishimaru blinks slowly, sluggish, before nodding slightly, looking very fucking confused. His eyebrows are furrowed, and his lips are pulled down, and he looks so fucking cute stupid, god. After a moment, though, it seems he understands what Mondo is getting at, the challenge he is suggesting, as his face lights up, eyes bright and passionate once more, an honest to god grin on his face. 

 Holy fucking shit... 

 “Aha! A simple endurance challenge! If that is your gauntlet, then I happily accept! I will wipe the floor with you!” 

 Despite the anger that is still flowing through him, Mondo can’t help the small smile that passes on his lips, something about the enthusiasm so fucking... not cute, not cute, not cute at all, but maybe, a little, teeny tiny bit... endearing? He pushes it away, though. It’s not helpful, here. 

 “Yer fuckin’ on. And you,” Mondo points blindly to Naegi— who ‘eeps’ at the gesture, fucking coward he is— not able to look away from Ishimaru for a single fucking second, “will be our witness. Got it?!” 

 As intently as Mondo is staring at Ishimaru, he doesn’t see the other kid’s response, but he can hear how Naegi splutters, the kid clearly not as enthusiastic about the idea as Ishimaru and himself are. Bastard. 

 “W-what?! Now?! B-but it’s so late... g-guys, are you sure this is a- a good idea-?!”

 “Yes, ya fuckin’ moron, it’s a fuckin’ great idea!” Mondo snarls, at the exact same time Ishimaru— eyes bright and feverish— exclaims, “yes! It is an excellent idea!” 

 Uncomfortable at their agreement, Mondo finally tears his eyes away, ignoring the churning feeling in his chest as he storms down the hall to where the bathhouse is, mere meters away. Ishimaru stares after him for a stunned second, but quickly spurs himself into motion, using his long-ish legs to catch up quick, head held high as they march determinedly on. God... he’s so fucking...

 Shit. 

 When they reach the bathhouse a few moments later, Mondo firmly pushes aside the rational voice inside him that is screaming at him not to do this. He knows his limits when it comes to endurance. While he’s not the best at running, he has great endurance for other things, especially pain and discomfort. (This sentence was removed due to ~~spoilers~~) 

 But Ishimaru... fuck. He’s so fucking passionate, so fucking determined, but who knows what his endurance is like? If he’ll be able to keep up? And it shouldn’t matter, shouldn’t give Mondo pause, but he... he can’t help the stab of concern that fills him as they enter the room, Mondo grabbing a ‘closed for repairs’ sign and putting it in front of the entrance, not wanting anyone to interrupt. 

 He hates the feeling and pushes it away as he turns to glare at Ishimaru, pointing a finger, not wanting to deal with such weakness, but he... he can’t quite manage to force it fully away... 

 Shit. 

 “Alright, here’s the fuckin’ terms. First ta tap out is a fuckin’ bitch ass loser who ain’t worth shit. The one who lasts the longest is the official winner. We ain’t allowed ta touch the other or do anythin’ ta them directly, this is strictly an endurance challenge. Oh, an’ we’re gonna do this fully clothed. What do ya say?!” 

 Mondo sees Ishimaru’s eyes widen when he gets to the last term, the kid fucking shaking his head sharply in denial. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. He’d added that last clause in last minute, realizing as he detailed the rules that they were gonna be fucking half fucking naked in there, and his mind had shorted the fuck out. He’s been in saunas fully clothed before, he knows he can handle it, but he isn’t fucking sure he can handle sitting nearly nude beside Ishi-fucking-maru...

 But of course, the kid wouldn’t fucking agree. Of fucking course...

 “I do not agree to that last term, but I agree to the rest!” 

 Glad his angry flush fully disguises the fucking embarrassed flush he can feel rising on his face, Mondo just nods tensely, sneering, as he storms over to the water cooler in the corner. 

 “Alright, whatever, fucker. Ya got five minutes ta prepare. Then, we’re fuckin’ doin’ this shit.” 

 With that, Mondo grabs a paper cup and downs some water, feeling so impossibly tense. He can feel Ishimaru staring at him, mouth partially open, but he gets spurned into action when Naegi shifts awkwardly beside him, chasing the kid away to one of the lockers, where he... he fucking...

 Starts taking off his fucking clothes...

 Holy. Fucking. Shit. 

 Mondo is staring. Mondo knows he shouldn’t be staring, knows it’s wrong to be staring, but he can’t fucking help it. His eyes are like magnets, drawn to the kid, watching as he takes off all of his fucking layers, folding each one so neatly and carefully as he sticks them in the small fucking locker. The kid hesitates a little when he gets to his fucking tighty-whities (of course the kid wears that shit, of fucking course), but ultimately, he doesn’t take them off. Instead, he bites his lip and grabs a white towel, wrapping it firmly around his waist before putting the rest of his stuff away. Mondo firmly pushes down the stupid as shit rush of disappointment and tells himself to stop staring, to look away, but god, he fucking can’t. Ishimaru, he...

 He’s so fucking gorgeous, so fucking hot, so fucking sexy-

 Mondo feels himself heat the fuck up when Ishimaru turns abruptly and looks him straight in the eyes, looking fucking startled at something. Feeling strangely caught, Mondo looks away as quick as he can, pushing away the stupid as shit thoughts, marching over to a locker stiffly. Shit... he’s gotta fucking get laid one of these days. The tension is doing fucked up shit to his brain... 

 He takes his time putting some of his more fragile shit away, like his crappy cellphone and his key card. He does, honestly, consider taking off his uniform, or at least taking off his duster, but he just... shit. Can’t. Not with how strange he feels inside, his mind’s eye still stupidly forcing him to think of Ishimaru, his stupidly muscular back flexing with every move he made. It means nothing, fucking nothing, but he... shit. It prolly would be better to remain fully clothed, duster included, even if it does put him at a disadvantage. But ya know what, whatever. Doesn’t matter. He knows his limits and knows that he can last longer in the sauna than Ishimaru, even when fully clothed. Shit...

 When the five minutes he gave them are up, he meets up with Ishimaru outside the entrance to the sauna, fully intending to slide it open and step inside, when-

 “Owada-kun, you cannot seriously be considering entering the sauna fully clothed! It’s suicide!” Ishimaru exclaims, sounding fucking concerned as shit. His eyes are wide, and his brows are furrowed, and he’s biting his fucking lip, god fucking damn, and it’s messing with Mondo’s head so fucking much. Why... why the fuck would he care?! Huh?! They’re not fucking friends! Why would he care if Mondo did try and kill himself, huh?! World would fucking be better off for it, shit! 

 Deciding to definitely not say that, Mondo just sneers at the kid, crossing his arms stubbornly. 

 “Just ‘cuz yer a fuckin’ pansy ass bitch don’t mean I am! Now, ya ready ta do this, or are ya a fuckin’ chicken?!”  

 His face flushed, Ishimaru doesn’t even bother to answer, instead just yanking open the door and entering the sauna with a stubborn tilt to his jaw. 

 Staring after the kid for a split second (pushing down the disappointment that he didn’t press the issue harder, proving to Mondo how fucking right he is), Mondo enters on Ishimaru’s heels, the heat not even bothering him one bit. 

 It’s nothing compared to the fire that constantly burns within him. 

 Sliding the door shut behind him, leaving Naegi outside to do whatever the fuck he wants while the contest takes place, Mondo marches over to where Ishimaru is sitting, taking a seat an arm’s length away. He can feel bright red eyes on him, but he determinedly pushes the feeling away, trading a few snide comments with the kid, not even feeling the heat really. 

 About ten minutes in, Mondo will admit the heat is getting to him a little, a thin sheen of sweat making its way onto his skin, which is more uncomfortable than anything. Ishimaru looks a little woozy, so Mondo taunts that the kid should just give up now. Ishimaru just laughs, saying how he never gives up, ever. Fucking pretentious bastard. 

 After half an hour, he can admit he is feeling kinda uncomfortable, the heat becoming somewhat unpleasant, but he’s still feeling pretty good, all things considered. Ishimaru looks flushed as all hell, though, his cheeks bright red and sweat clinging to his muscles. The kid tells him— unprompted— that he’s doing fine, and Mondo’s brain feels too stupid to allow him to do much else than glare, shit... 

 After around fifty minutes, the kid... he looks fucking awful. Mondo isn’t doing too hot, the uncomfortable feeling spreading to be extremely uncomfortable, but he knows he can handle it. The kid, though... he looks like he’s starting to lose it. Ishimaru mentions absently that he’s starting to feel cold, which honestly concerns Mondo, since he knows that shit is a bad sign, but his head is too stupid to remember why, so he just says it’s prolly not good. The kid doesn’t call it quits, though. 

 Instead, he actually... talks... huh. 

 “Y-you can take off your uniform... if you w-want... I- I won’t judge...” the boy mumbles, sounding super fucking exhausted. Mondo tries to snort, but it’s a lot harder than it should be, shit. 

 “N-nah... I’m... I’m... I’m good,” Mondo finds himself muttering back, looking at the kid intensely, wondering why he isn’t giving up when he so clearly feels sick. Mondo finds himself muttering about how red Ishimaru’s is, likening him to a hot spring monkey, of all things. The kid mumbles back about being born with a red face, which makes no fucking sense, but ya know what? He’s too tired to waste energy on this shit. He’s got a challenge to win. 

 After what he figures is an hour and five minutes, the warning bell rings, telling them they have five minutes until curfew. Mondo figures the hall monitor will end this now, since he wouldn’t dare stay out past curfew and risk breaking one of his ‘precious rules,’ but the kid doesn’t seem to even notice the bell had rung. S-shit... that... that’s not good, is it...? 

 Mondo gets distracted from his stupid as shit concern when a new voice pipes up, shocking Mondo. Huh... he hadn’t realized the kid was still out there. Shit. 

 “U-uh guys? It’s almost curfew, shouldn’t you... stop? I know you both want to prove how big of badasses you are but... don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

 Mondo scowls at the meaning of the words, knowing that he sure as shit ain’t gonna back down first. He’s already so worthless. He’s gotta prove that he can at least do this, of all fucking things.

 “Shut up!” he barks, at the same time Ishimaru does, making him feel fucking wigged out at how they’re both on the same page again. 

 Naegi replies back to them, saying something about it being nighttime, and a tie... it honestly offends Mondo, but before he can reply, the kid is... talking... saying something about how in a true competition, there are no ties. That you either win or you lose, and that... that’s the only thing that matters. It honestly kinda pisses Mondo off, even if he agrees fully, so he fires back how he will push the kid right up to the gates of hell, meaning it fully. 

 He tells Naegi to leave then, knowing that this might drag on a lot longer than he had anticipated. Shit. He knew Ishimaru was fucking stubborn as shit, willing to do absolutely anything to reach his goals, but this... this is just madness. Utter madness. As Naegi leaves, Mondo cannot help how he stares at the hall monitor, who looks so fucking sick right now. He does his best to ignore it, to wait the kid out, but when roughly fifteen more minutes pass and the kid isn’t tapping out, despite looking half dead, he... he can’t help the worry that he feels. And then, when the kid closes his eyes, barely breathing, Mondo... s-shit... 

 “Hey... man... are you... are you okay...? Ya don’t... don’t look so good...” 

 Mondo listens, getting really kinda freaked, when Ishimaru lets out a soft puff of air, almost like he’s trying to laugh but can’t find the energy. He lolls his head over to Mondo, the first movement he’s done in minutes, but his eyes are still closed, which looks so fucking freaky. It takes him far longer than it should to open his eyes, and when he does, they... shit. They look glazed, like the kid isn’t fucking in there, like he... he’s...

 Already dead...

 F-fuck... 

 It really does look like that, though. Eyes glazed, mouth partially open, chest so scarily still... o-oh, shit. Shit, what if he... what if he is dead...?! Y-yeah, he just moved, but he- he looks so still, it... Mondo... 

 But then the kid is speaking, and he sounds so very out of it, but at least he’s alive, thank god... 

 “I- I’m... I’m fine, I...” 

 Oh, shit... no, he... he’s not fine, is he...? Shit... s-shit...

 “Shit... man... no, y’ain’t. I know my... my limits. I’ve got some time... left in me... but you... shit. Just give up, dude. Just... just give... up...” 

 It makes something in Mondo clench when he sees the kid’s face screw up, like he wants to cry but just has no tears left within him. And then he... he’s speaking... 

 “No... n-no, I can’t... I- I can’t... give up... I have to... have to...”

 The kid stops, then, and Mondo feels so fucking confused, his head all stupid because of the heat, making it hard to think. What? He has to... what? 

 “Hafta... what? What... is so important... ta ya?”

 The kid blinks, like he hadn’t expected to be spoken to, before opening his mouth and muttering words. It... it’s like the kid doesn’t even know he’s speaking, the words sounding so fucking slurred and soft. Mondo has to strain to hear them, even though the silence is oppressive between them. 

 “I can’t... give up... must... restore... honor... family... f-family name...” 

 Mondo furrows his eyebrows, his lips turned down in a frown, not... not understanding...

 “Yer family... name? What… what about it?” 

 Ishimaru blinks, like he can barely understand what Mondo is saying, and fuck is that scary... 

 “I must... fix his mistakes. I must... I must bring honor t-to... to our name... my grandfather...”

 Okay, that... that doesn’t make any fucking sense... his grandfather? The fuck? Shit... Ishimaru needs to stop this, he... he’s not making any sense...

 “What? The fuck... the fuck ya talkin’ ‘bout, man? Shit... Ishimaru, yer ‘bout ta... ta fuckin’ pass out... why can’t ya just... just give up, man?” 

 Ishimaru isn’t looking at him anymore and is instead staring blankly at the steam that is billowing around them, looking like he’s not aware where the fuck he is. It makes Mondo’s stomach clench, the concern rising. He... he doesn’t wanna give up, needs to prove himself, but he... Ishimaru... f-fuck... 

 And then... Ishimaru starts talking again...

 “It... it’s all up to me to fix it... t-to make it better... m-make it- it right-! I... I can’t... give up, I... I’m not... not allowed to... give up... giving up is- is wrong... and immoral, and- and I am not wrong! I... I’m not- not immoral... I... I’m better... better than my grandfather... better than myself... better... than...” 

 Okay. Okay. Okay, it’s official. Mondo is fucking freaked the fuck out. What... what does any of that even mean? He... Ishimaru...

 “Fuck, dude, yer- yer scarin’ me... what the hell does… does any a’ that even… even mean? Yer the fuckin’... Ultimate Moral Compass... ‘course yer not- not... immoral...” 

 Ishimaru is shaking now, eyes still glazed, staring at the steam as if it holds the answer to life itself. And fuck... it’s so fucking creepy... 

 “But I am, I am... I’m worthless, I’m nothing... my grandfather... he’d done so many terrible things, had hurt s-so many people... he’d ruined... ruined Japan... e-everyone hated him... hated me... I have to do better... to be better... to fix... my grandfather’s... mistakes...”

 His grandfather? Who the fuck is his grandfather? And why... why does he even matter? Even if he was so fucking terrible, Ishimaru... he ain’t... he...

 “Dude... y’ain’t... ain’t yer grandfather... yer yer own person... an’ frankly... I kinda... kinda like... s-shit. Just... stop this, man. Just admit it. Admit it’s... too much...” 

 The kid shakes his head, and Mondo doesn’t know how he’s able to even hear him, as far fucking gone as he looks, but fuck, he’s clearly responding, ain’t he...? 

 “Nnnn- n-no! I- I... I can’t... can’t admit... weakness... god I’m so... so weak... pathetic... the children, they’re right about me, they’re all so... so right... I’ll never... amount to- to anything... I’m worthless... pathetic... scum...” 

 H-holy shit... Ishimaru he... he can’t fucking believe that... can he? No... n-no, he... he ain’t none of that shit, Mondo is, Mondo is, but not- not Ishimaru! He... he’s fucking... he... 

 “Ishimaru... Ishimaru, stop... s-stop! Y’ain’t... none a’ that is... is true... yer the best... goddamn person I ever... ever met, ya... ya never gave up on me... no matter how horrible I treated ya... ya just... wouldn’t leave... I tried ta make ya leave, why... why wouldn’t ya leave...” 

 He hadn’t meant to ask the question, voice so fucking soft, but he couldn’t help it. It’s been plaguing him for weeks now, wondering why... why Ishimaru bothered staying... why he didn’t just leave his ass... why he didn’t just... give up on him... like everyone always does... 

 “Me... leave? Why? Where would I... go...? I’ve n-never... had a friend... if this is... is friendship... then what else can I... do? I don’t... w-wanna... be...... alone.........”

 Oh... oh, shit... suddenly, so many things make so much fucking sense. Why the kid always seems so fucking nervous and awkward around people, though he tries his damndest to hide it. Why he is always alone, never seen really talking to anyone, not without a reason. Why he always... always does his best to extend olive branches to people, offering to tutor or help or do whatever is needed to... to get them to talk to him... g-god... he never would have thought the kid would have no friends, even though it’s so fucking obvious when Mondo thinks about it. He’s just... he’s just so fucking bright and full of sunshine... Mondo can’t imagine people seeing that and not... not wanting to... 

 It’s right then, in that moment, brain stupid from heat, halfway gone but not fully gone yet, that Mondo... Mondo makes a decision. 

 If they survive this stupid fucking challenge... he... he will be Ishimaru— no, Kiyotaka, his name is- is Kiyotaka... he will be Kiyotaka’s friend... and he will be a fucking good one, the friend that the kid... that he fucking deserves...

 If the kid even wants to be friends with him... 

 “Fuckin’... shit, man. Yer not... alone... I’m here. Ishimaru... Kiyotaka... I’m right... right here...” 

 The kid shakes his head, breath still shallow, but now it’s wavering, shaking... trembling... g-god... fuck...

 “No... no... I’m alone, I’m alone. Everyone... always leaves... my mother... my grandfather... even my father would leave... if he could... he’s never... never understood me. No one... understands me... I don’t... even... understand...... myself..........”

 Oh. Oh. Oh. This... this poor fucking boy... he... s-shit. Shit... this... they gotta fucking stop this... they... 

 “I... I understand ya. Yer... yer like me... ain’t ya? Shit. We gotta... gotta stop this, man... what are ya... tryin’... ta prove?” 

 Kiyotaka is shaking again, looking like he wants to cry but just... can’t. God... god... fucking... god.

 “Everything. Everything. Every… everything… I have to prove them... wrong. I have to prove... that I can do this. If I... if I give up... i-if I let myself give up... then I fail. I fail, I fail, I fail, I fail, I fail. I c-can’t... fail, I can’t... g-give up... or else... what is... the point... of me...?” 

 Point? The point? Why... why does he have to have a point? Shit... he’s so fucking amazing, he... he doesn’t have to have a point... no more than just... just being... 

 “Ain’t gotta... have a point man... ya can just... be. Be... Kiyotaka. What’s so wrong... with that?” 

 The blank look on the kid’s face grows, his voice soft, weak. Trembling, like he doesn’t mean to say it, like he doesn’t even know what he’s saying. Mondo has never heard someone sound so... so... dead before... h-holy shit...

 “Everything. Everything. Everything. E-everything... is wrong with... me... I- I’m too... too much. T-too passionate... too vibrant... I- I hurt... hurt my own eyes... I hate... l-looking at myself... hate... b-being myself... if I could... be someone else... I- I would... gladly...” 

 No. No. No, fucking... no! Ish- Kiyo... Kiyotaka can’t fucking believe that... yeah, he’s so fucking passionate, so fucking bright, but that... that’s not a bad thing... he... he’s so fucking good... so fucking... amazing... and he... Mondo wouldn’t...

 “I wouldn’t. Want that. Yer... fuck. Yer somethin’... somethin’ special... I thought I... I hated that ‘bout you, but... man you... you shine... I don’t deserve... someone as... as wonderful... as you...”

 Kiyotaka is shaking his head again, barely breathing, looking so dead, so very, very... dead...

 Oh, god...

 “I- I’m not... wonderful. I’m not... anything. T-the children... they hated me... t-they all... hated me. My f-father... hates me. My mother... if she could s-see me... now... s-she’d hate me... too. Why... w-why do I bother... trying...? W-why... why don’t I just... g-give up...” 

 N-no... no, no, god, please... no... Mondo feels pressure behind his eyes, and he doesn’t think he has ever felt such pain. Because that... that sounds so goddamn familiar... he always has seen Kiyotaka as so different to him, so much better, so much brighter. But if the kid is to be believed... he... he thinks of himself like... like Mondo thinks of himself, and he... he can’t... can’t fucking stand that thought, oh god... 

 “Kiyo... Kiyota- Taka. Kiyo... Taka. Just... ya don’t hafta... give up... but yer... yer gonna kill yerself if ya... keep this up... s-shit...”

 Mondo feels himself go cold when Kiyotaka responds, sounding half dead, looking so... so nothing... 

 “Kill... myself? No... I’m not- not that weak... not anymore... not... n-not again... but maybe... maybe... m-maybe it would be better. If I weren’t... weren’t...” a pause. “Alive...”

 What?! No... no, no.... nonononononononononono-!!! He... he can’t... he can’t-

 “What?! Dude... no... god... fuckin’... dammit! Ya can’t be... serious... Kiyo... Taka, ya can’t...”

 “I am. I am. I- I am. If I wasn’t... so weak. If I wasn’t... s-so afraid. I know... k-know how to fix it... a-all of it. How to... t-to make it better. My father... would be happier. The children... w-would be happier. And I... I... I’d be... I’d be...”

 A pause. Inhalation of breath. And then... softly, so fucking softly...

 “Dead...” 

 No. No. No, fucking-! No. This... this is so fucking stupid, why is Mondo doing this, he... he has to stop this. This kid ain’t gonna stop, he can’t fucking stop, he won’t stop until he is fucking dead, and Mondo... Mondo can’t... he fucking can’t-

 He can’t lose someone else... not during another fucking challenge that he fucking issued... he just... can’t.

 “Okay. That’s it. This ain’t... fuckin’ worth it. If y’ain’t... gonna quit... then I! I fuckin’... I fuckin’ will. Ya... ya win... Kiyo... Taka... ya... ya win. Now, c’mon, man. Let’s… let’s get outta here.”

 With all the strength he has left, Mondo stands and hobbles over to where Kiyotaka is sitting, looking like a puppet with its strings cut. He’s not moving, barely breathing, and his eyes are so glazed over Mondo doesn’t think he can even see right now. Mondo has never seen someone look so still before, and it scares the ever-loving shit out of him. Especially now that he... he knows that... that the kid has tried... or at least wanted...

 Fuck. 

 Fuck. 

 Fuck.

 But he doesn’t have time to hate himself for issuing this stupid ass challenge. He doesn’t have time to waste. Gathering all his strength, he bends down, and he wraps an arm around Kiyotaka, heart stopping when he feels how boneless he is, not moving at all. But then, as he starts moving towards the door, he feels the kid start to struggle. It’s weak and doesn’t sway Mondo even a second, but fuck does it relieve him. The kid is even able to walk a little, barely. It... it’s good. 

 The second he manages to get the door open, however, the cool air almost torture on his overheated skin, he feels Kiyotaka gasp, all the fragile strength he had gone as his knees buckle, making him deadweight. But Mondo hasn’t spent the majority of his life lifting weights for nothing, so he just adjusts his grip, taking on more of the kid’s weight. He doesn’t lift him, doesn’t have time for that, but he drags him bodily over to the bench, accidentally throwing him on it since he’s not really at a hundred percent himself. He sees the kid start to topple, then, and he immediately moves forward to steady the kid, the skin under his hands far, far too warm. Oh... shit, that’s not... not good, oh fuck...

 “Goddamn shit. Ya look... fuck man. Why didn’t ya just... dammit. Ya need water... I’ll be right back.”

 Mondo stand abruptly then, feeling clumsy and wrong. His chest feels so fucking painful, like it’s being sat on by an elephant, and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt more concerned for anyone. Well... other than one person... but shit, he can’t think of him, not now. Not now. Not when Kiyotaka needs him. He takes off his duster as he strides forward, tossing it carelessly on a bench, too fucking hot to deal with that shit. He needs to go quick, needs to... to get back to Kiyotaka... and he needs to drink some water himself, fuck, he’s so fucking dehydrated... fuck. 

 However... once he’s at the water cooler, filling up one of the paper cups for himself to drink, he hears the kid muttering again, the words making no goddamn sense, but damn if it doesn’t make his heart clench...

 “...they won’t, they won’t, they won’t... I’m alone, again... all alone... everyone has left... everyone leaves me in the end... why would I expect anything different... why would I expect-“

 Shit. Shit. Shit. Mondo quickly finishes filling the cup and downs it, filling the second one as quickly as possible while the kid rambles on about being alone again. As soon as the cup is full Mondo practically teleports back to the kid’s side, an odd sense in him that he never, ever wants to be anywhere else... 

 “Shit, Kiyotaka, I’m here. I just... had ta drink myself, shit. Now c’mon. Drink this. Please, man. Fer me. I can’t... ya can’t fuckin’ die on me, man... f-fuck...” 

 He carefully places his hand on the back of Kiyotaka’s neck, lifting it gently up, so he can get the kid to drink some water. He knows that the boy is prolly dehydrated as fuck, and he seriously hopes that’s the only thing wrong with him, because if it isn’t... s-shit. He can feel Kiyotaka struggle as he moves him, his lips moving, muttering those fucking words again... 

 “W-why am I so weak, I need to... to be stronger... to be... better...”

 God, is everything this kid says gonna make his heart break? God... he’s not equipped for this, he doesn’t know how to be kind, to be gentle, but after all the shit he has done, all the pain and misery he has needlessly made this wondrous, incredible, sad fucking boy go through... he owes it to him to not only try, but to succeed. 

 Even if it fucking kills him... 

 “Shh... hey, it’s okay. Y’ain’t fuckin’ weak, man, yer goddamn incredible. Now c’mon. Stop fightin’ me. Let me take care a’ you. You... you’ve been so strong fer so long. Let me... let me help you...” 

 With that, he slowly presses the cup against the kid’s lips, and he feels as he struggles, whimpering softly, scared. Shit, he... he prolly has no idea what the fuck is going on, is so fucking disoriented... 

 He begins whispering to the kid then, not knowing what to say, but just... knowing he has to say something, something soothing. He hums softly as he decides to just... let the soft words that he’s been gathering for weeks now out of his heart, telling Kiyotaka that he is there, that he will always be there, promising that he’s not alone, that he’ll never be alone again, that Mondo will take care of him, he promises... he promises... 

 And then he... he says...

 “Open up, Kiyotaka, shit. P-please... I’m beggin’ ya man... just... drink some water...” 

 The kid... Kiyotaka stops struggling then, and finally, finally opens his lips. It’s just a little, a small amount, but it’s enough for a small trickle of water to get passed his dry and cracked lips, which is so fucking relieving. But then... then the kid startles again, a soft sound of distress getting released as he panics, taking too much water too quick. Oh, shit... 

 So fucking scared, not knowing what to do but knowing he has to do something, Mondo lowers the hand holding the cup but doesn’t put it down, moving his other hand to rub soothing circles on the kid’s back, shushing him softly. 

 “Aw, shit. Slowly, man, slowly. That’s it, nice an’ easy... I’m gonna try that again, okay? Go slow this time. Idiot.”

 With that, Mondo moves his hand back to Kiyotaka’s neck and brings the cup back up to his lips, praying that he will drink this time. He’s so fucking dehydrated and if he won’t drink, Mondo is gonna have to call an ambulance or some shit, because he needs liquid, and fast. 

 Luckily, this time when he asks the kid to open up, he does so immediately. And then, when he tips a little of the liquid into his mouth, the kid doesn’t panic and just... sips it. Slowly. Mondo can see his throat working, moving slowly, swallowing the water, and fuck... he’s never felt so relieved in his life, watching the kid drink some fucking water, god... 

 However, then the kid is letting out a sound of desperation, seeming to realize that he is so fucking thirsty or something. He sees the kid’s hands try to come up, wavering so fucking much as they try and force the water down faster, but Mondo stops him, knowing he needs to go slow. 

 “Aw, shit man, stop! Ya gotta go slow. Yer dehydrated, ya can’t drink it too fast... trust me, man. I got you. I won’t let you down. Not again. I… I promise.”

 And he means it. He fucking means it. He has failed this kid so many fucking times, but he won’t this time, and he never will again. Because now he... he knows that this kid fucking matters. He’s always known that, from the minute the kid had run into him and knocked his world on its side, but- but he... he’s always been so afraid of it. Of the feeling. Of what it means. 

 But he’s not afraid of it. Not now. Not... not anymore. He doesn’t know why he feels this way, why this boy matters so fucking much to him, but it just doesn’t matter now, and he refuses to let his goddamn fucking nonsense ruin this shit anymore. This kid has faced some truly horrible fucking things, things that Mondo has barely scratched the surface of but can tell have damaged the kid so fucking much. He has scars all over his chest and back, which Mondo has noticed before, of course he’s noticed them, but now he’s really starting to realize what exactly they mean, and it just... it’s fucking him up inside, and all he wants is to bundle this kid up and never let him get hurt again, keep him safe from all harm, and Mondo has always felt like that, always wanted that, but now, for once...

 He’s not afraid of it. 

 And he won’t back down. 

 Not unless Kiyotaka wants him to...

 (But even then. Even then, Mondo will do everything he can to keep him safe. He won’t stalk the kid, but he will make sure that no one dares to lay a finger on him. He’s firmly under Mondo’s protection now. Nothing will change that. Absolutely nothing.) 

 Knowing that Kiyotaka needs to drink more, so he’s not so weak (physically. He’s so fucking strong emotionally, so fucking strong) anymore, he presses the cup back to the boy’s lips, his heart lurching softly when the kid immediately opens up and drinks, slowly, not even needing Mondo to remind him to go slow and steady. Mondo is so fucking proud of the kid, like a fucking mother hen, but he doesn’t care. This kid deserves all the softness in the world. If there’s one thing Mondo is sure of, it’s that. 

 It doesn’t take long for the cup to run empty, but the kid needs more, so Mondo gets up to refill the cup. But then he’s fucking crying, sad and pitiful, and Mondo immediately returns, holding him close, saying to him, “aw, shit, I’m just getting more water, alright? I’ll be right back, I promise.”

 And when Mondo is forced to leave again— though god does he not want to— he keeps talking. Promising that he’ll be right back, that he’s not leaving, that he will never leave again... promises that he will never break, and not just because he doesn’t break promises, but because he fucking means the shit out of them. More than any promise he’s ever made before. 

 He’s back soon after, bringing two cups with him this time, helping Kiyotaka drink, and drink, and drink. Mondo doesn’t know much about severe dehydration, just knows that it’s important for the person to be given fluids, preferably sports drinks, but since he doesn’t have that shit, water will have to do. If Kiyotaka doesn’t get better after the third cup, Mondo’s gonna try and see if he can take him to the nurse if the lady is still there. If not... shit. He’ll prolly have to call an ambulance, since he doesn’t think Kiyotaka could handle riding on his hog to the hospital, which is at least a ten-minute ride away. He’s hoping he won’t have to do that, though. Hopes that drinking the water will be enough to help him. He also hopes that it’s just dehydration that’s the problem... fuck. 

 The good thing is that Kiyotaka is drinking willingly. And the more he drinks, the more lucid he appears. He still seems very out of it, but about halfway through the third cup, he starts blinking rapidly, like waking himself from a dream. His eyebrows furrow, and he starts looking around a bit. He takes in the bathhouse and even looks down at his chest, like he’s just then noticing that he’s half naked. Mondo allows him to do this, but always makes sure the kid is still drinking, wanting to make sure he gets at least three cups in, since he had to have lost a lot of water while sweating. Mondo himself isn’t feeling too hot and knows he needs to drink more, too, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t ensure that Kiyotaka is okay before doing anything else for himself. 

 Mondo knows the exact second that things slot into place for the kid, since one second he’s loose and pliant in his arms, allowing him to hold his neck and give him the water, and the next he’s sitting ramrod straight, eyes wide. It startles Mondo a bit and he straightens up from the hunch he’d found himself in, so fucking relieved to see some lucidity in those bright red eyes. Fuck, but was that glazed look terrifying... 

 “Oh, shit. Are ya back? Ya really fuckin’ scared me there, dude, the fuck...? I was ‘bout ta take yer ass ta the nurse, consequences be damned. Shit, should I still do that...? Kiyotaka?” 

 The kid is just staring at him, his skin far too pale, his eyes moving back and forth over Mondo’s face as he seems to try to be figuring something out. They then widen somehow further and then-

 “Aw, shit! Fuck, man, what the hell!”

 Mondo stares wide eyed at the kid as he abruptly stands, his body shaking horribly, looking like he just saw a ghost, shit... Mondo is afraid the kid is about to collapse so he stands quickly, hands hovering to ensure he doesn’t fall, but the kid doesn’t seem to notice him. Oh... shit... he’s not better, is he? God fucking dammit...

 “W-w-w-what... w-what... h-h-happened?! I... I didn’t... oh god...” 

 Mondo sees Kiyotaka sway then, looking like he’s about to faint, scaring the absolute shit out of Mondo. Rushing forward, he grabs the kid by his shoulders, holding him upright. Part of him wants to pull him close, to wrap him up and never let him go, but he can tell the kid is super fucking freaked out, and he doesn’t want to make him panic, shit. 

 “What the fuck... aw, shit, y’ain’t better. Okay, that’s it. I’m takin’ ya ta the fuckin’ nurse. Goddamnit...” 

 Mondo tries to move Kiyotaka, then, carefully guiding him over to the door so they can make the stupidly long walk to the nurse’s office, mind racing a mile a minute as he tries to determine if it wouldn’t just be better to call the ambulance now. On one hand, he doubts the nurse is still there, since it’s well after curfew, but on the other... calling for an ambulance means he might have to explain this shit, and he just... shit. But he needs to do right by Kiyotaka, and if that includes getting himself in trouble, he’ll fucking do it. He doesn’t care what happens to him, just as long as this wonderful, incredible boy is safe. Huh...

 As distracted as Mondo is, he doesn’t expect any resistance to his movement, expecting Kiyotaka to be as pliant as he previously had been. As such, when the kid fucking pulls away from him, weak as it is, Mondo isn’t expecting it and thus is unable to keep his grip. And he watches, heart stopping, as the kid slams into the row of lockers, collapsing immediately to the ground with a soft noise of pain. 

 Shit!!!

 “Shit! Kiyotaka, are you fuckin’ alright?! What the hell, man?! Stop bein’ an idiot and let me take ya ta the nurse, fuck!” 

 He doesn’t mean to sound angry or anything, he’s just so fucking scared, needing the kid to cooperate so he can just get better already and not make Mondo worry he’s gonna fucking die or something... but given the way that Kiyotaka glares at him (or tries to glare, Mondo can tell he’s still a little out of it and can’t quite put the usual amount of passion into it), he can tell the kid intends to be difficult, looking at him like he doesn’t want Mondo to come any closer or something. Mondo immediately says, ‘fuck that,’ though, and rushes to the kid’s side, kneeling down, his eyes bleeding with his concern. He watches the kid blink, some more lucidity rising within the red, as he opens his mouth to speak. 

 “W-wait! I don’t... dang it. I don’t need to go to the- t-the nurse! I’m just... confused. Give me... give me a moment to... collect myself!” Kiyotaka says, his chest heaving with the effort of speaking. Mondo looks at him firmly, ensuring the kid means it and that he’s not just saying random, nonsense bullshit again. 

 Once he’s satisfied that the kid is, in fact, lucid enough to make that decision, he nods stiffly, still feeling so very, very concerned. 

 “Alright... shit, fine. If ya say so. But ya gotta drink some more water, alright?! Slowly. I should drink more too, fuck...”

 Mondo stands, then, and walks over to the water cooler again, hands tingling unpleasantly as he leaves Kiyotaka’s side. He quickly fills up two fresh cups of water and hurries back, handing the kid one of the cups as soon as he is by his side. 

 As soon as the kid takes it, Mondo flops down to sit beside him, so close they touch, and begins to drink his water, finding comfort in being able to feel the kid warm against his side. He is honestly thirsty as fuck, wanting to gulp it down again, but he forces himself to go slow, not wanting to be a hypocrite. He notices after a second that Kiyotaka isn’t drinking and is just staring at him blankly, eyes glazing over again, which scares him more than he is willing to say, fuck. 

 “Dude. Drink. Or I’m draggin’ ya ta the nurse, kickin’ an’ screamin’. Don’t think I won’t,” Mondo rumbles, startling the kid out of whatever fugue he’d entered into. The kid glares at him lightly, not nearly as strong as Mondo knows it could be, but at least he doesn’t try and counter him. He just brings the cup to his lips and drinks the cool water slowly, his eyes darting back and forth as he thinks hard about something. They don’t glaze over again, though, so Mondo lets him be and just drinks his water, every cell in his body so fucking aware of the kid sitting directly beside him. It honestly would scare him, how much he cares about this kid, if he’d not already decided to not care about that shit anymore. He cares about the kid. He doesn’t know why, he just does. End of fucking story. 

 Mondo doesn’t know how long they sit there drinking their water, and he doesn’t really care. He usually hates sitting still for so long, his skin crawling to get up and do something already, but strangely... he doesn’t really mind it too much. Sitting here, beside Kiyotaka. It... despite the worry he still feels, there’s also a strange calmness inside him now. Like... like something inside him that had been out of place and broken for years is just... gone, allowing him to breathe easy for the first time. It’s so strange but also... so very, very nice...

 Eventually their cups run empty, and Mondo is about to offer to get them both some more water again when the kid speaks. His voice is low and shaky, but it sounds a lot better and more lucid than it had before, which relieves the shit out of him. But then he comprehends the words, and he...

 “O-Owada... back in... in the, uh, sauna... I didn’t, um. Say anything strange. Did I?” Kiyotaka asks softly, looking very nervous. It concerns Mondo a lot that the kid apparently doesn’t remember what happened in the sauna, but he supposes it makes sense. He had been super fucking outta it... 

 He still takes his time to think about it. He usually just blurts out his words, no thought put into them at all, but this... shit. This matters. And he has to be so fucking careful if he doesn’t want to hurt the kid again. And god, does he not wanna do that... 

 Finally, he figures he’ll go the safe route and figure out what, exactly, the kid does and doesn’t remember. If he remembers nothing, then maybe... maybe it would be better to keep it that way, shit... 

 Ignoring the way his heart clenches at the thought, he sets his face into a carefully neutral expression, revealing nothing as he speaks, voice a low rumble. 

 “That depends. What do ya remember?”

 Mondo watches, heart clenched strangely again, as Kiyotaka bites his lip gently, eyes unfocused as he thinks. They’re not glazed, though, so Mondo thinks he’s just concentrating, not zoning out. After a few moments, the kid glances up at him, expression open and searching. It makes Mondo want to gasp, everything in him swirling, and when the kid speaks, still looking at him, he... h-he... 

 “I’m… I’m not sure. It’s all... fuzzy. I can’t quite tell... what is real or not. I have no idea what I said during that last part, though... just fragments of old memories and thoughts.” Kiyotaka pauses, his hands shaking lightly. He looks away then, down at the ground, and Mondo feels so strangely bereaved... “But I... I remember you... you said... things. About- a-about me. Y-you... you called me... wonderful. Special. H-heh! H-how r-ridiculous! I must... must have been- been hallucinating! Aha!” 

 The kid sounds nervous, frantic, like he’s afraid Mondo will hurt him, like he’s afraid Mondo will laugh at him, will tell him that he... he’s wrong, that Mondo hadn’t said that, that he... he doesn’t believe that...

 Which is bullshit. Because he did say that. And he’d meant it. Means it. Fully and completely. 

 Mondo consciously forces his shoulders to lose the tension that had entered them unbidden at Kiyotaka’s frantic words, sighing softly, a wry smile rising on his lips as he looks at the kid. The kid looks so fucking scared, so desperate, like he doesn’t believe that Mondo had said that shit, but that he wants to believe it. 

 And, shit... even if he hadn’t said it, he sure as shit would say it now. Because Kiyotaka truly is wonderful and special, ain’t he...? 

 Heh... 

 “Nah. That, uh. That happened. You really don’t remember what you said?” he asks as casually as he can, his head tilted in question, hoping he’s hiding the way his heart is racing well enough, but honestly not really caring if he’s not. He... he doesn’t want to keep shit from this kid. Not... not anymore... he watches as Kiyotaka shakes his head weakly, moving his eyes to stare at his hands again. It makes Mondo’s smile widen, eyes soft as silk. Heh. So... so fucking cute...

 “Heh. Makes sense. Ya weren’t exactly all there, ya know. Kept mumblin’ bits a’ nonsense. Could barely make sense a’ ya myself, tell the truth. Somethin’... somethin’ ‘bout yer grandfather. ‘Bout needin’ ta right his wrongs. An’ then there was somethin’ ‘bout other kids? An’ hatred? Ya mentioned how yer da don’t understand ya, how he hates ya, or somethin’. An’ ‘bout how... how ya... ya hate yerself. Which I think is fuckin’ bullshit, ya shouldn’t fuckin’ hate yerself, yer incredible, but whatever. There was a lot a’ other stuff too. ‘Bout not givin’ up, ‘bout havin’ ta prove people wrong. Some other shit, too, but I don’t really ‘member it all, sorry. But... shit man. Is that... is that real? Did ya... did ya really mean alla’ that?” 

 Mondo doesn’t really mean to ask the question, knowing the kid needs to be allowed to rest and relax, not be asked stupid fucking questions, but he can’t help it. He’s not lying when he says he doesn’t quite remember everything. It’s all starting to blur in his head, and while he’s fairly certain he remembers the most of it, some details are starting to slip away, and he just... did the kid really say all that shit, or had he imagined it, too? Shit...

 But then... then, after a moment, Kiyotaka, he... h-he...

 “Aw, shit,” he mutters under his breath, which seems to just make the kid cry harder. It breaks Mondo’s heart so much, hating seeing his tears. God... this kid just always fucking cries around him, doesn’t he...? Shit... shit! H-he didn’t want to make the kid cry! G-god, he... he wants so badly to hold the kid, to keep him safe from the sorrow within him, but would the kid even want that? After everything he’s done, all he’s taken from him, would he actually want to be held in his arms? It’s his fault he’s crying, his fault he’s in this situation, and he doesn’t know if Kiyotaka would want to be anywhere near him, let alone in his arms! But he... he wants so, so badly to... t-to...

 “Please, man, don’t cry, shit, I’m sorry! I... aw, fuck it. Come here.” 

 Mind made up, Mondo darts forward and— carefully as he possibly can— wraps an arm around the kid, pulling him gently to his chest, firm and tight. He can feel the kid struggle against him, and it kills him inside to feel it, especially when the kid starts frantically apologizing, like he thinks Mondo is going to hurt him or something. He thinks it might be best to let him go, to apologize and never touch him again, but he... h-he thinks the problem isn’t that Mondo is hugging him, but that the kid thinks Mondo is upset. So maybe... if he can reassure the kid that it’s okay, that he wants this, maybe... m-maybe he’ll stop struggling so hard... and maybe... m-maybe...

 “Shhh. Shh, c’mon. It’s okay, Kiyotaka. I’m here. Y’ain’t alone. I got you. Ain’t got nothin’ ta ‘pologize fer, ya got it? Yer okay. We’re both okay.” 

 He keeps his arms steady on Kiyotaka, praying to any god that will listen that he’s doing the right thing, that he’s not hurting the kid more, that this is okay, and then... after a minute... after a minute...

 The kid stops. Stops struggling, stops apologizing. His chest is heaving, and his eyes are still leaking tears, but he doesn’t seem distressed at Mondo holding him anymore. At least... Mondo hopes he isn’t. And then... t-then...

 Kiyotaka buries his head in his chest, firm and present, hiding his face. His arms come up too, fists curling into Mondo’s tank top, clutching it like his life depends on it. And then he... he just...

 Lets go.

 The kid is crying so fucking hard, chest heaving, sobs loud and noisy, and fuck, does it hurt. Mondo feels so fucking helpless as he holds the kid, doing all he can to rub soothing circles on his back, whisper soft words in his ear, doing all he can to remember the shit Daiya would say when he was little and he still allowed himself to cry, not yet realizing it was wrong of him to do such a thing. He feels like it’s not enough, never enough, but he doesn’t know what else to do. He’s never seen the kid cry so hard before. Before he- he would always stifle it, keep it in. 

 Mondo hadn’t realized it at the time, but seeing the kid truly let go now, he can see just how hard he would fight to keep his tears and true sorrow contained, and he feels so much for the boy that he can’t even begin to describe it. It’s like... a sad kind of pride. Like he’s proud the kid was able to keep going despite the sorrow and despair he clearly feels, but also so, so fucking sad that the kid had to do it. That he had to keep this all in, unable to have anyone to share his burden with, to shoulder the pain and anguish he so clearly feels inside. Mondo... M-Mondo knows what that is like, what it’s like to have to always keep everything in, never let it out, and he... he hates that Kiyotaka knows it, too. The pain.  The loneliness. 

 Maybe they really aren’t so different... are they? 

 Fuck... and who knows? Maybe that’s why he’s always cared so much about this kid. He... he just reminds him of him so goddamn much. Of... of the kid he used to be, before he built up walls so high around that child that he’d never see the light of day again. Of the scared little boy that he was, wondering why his parents hated him, why he was never good enough, why he didn’t fucking matter. He’d always been so scared and sad back then, so small and weak. Kinda like Kiyotaka is now, even with how fucking strong he knows this kid to usually be. 

 But...

 But he had Daiya, didn’t he? Even when the whole world was against him, (This sentence was removed due to ~~spoilers~~) he... he always had Daiya. Daiya, who loved him. Daiya, who cared for him. Daiya who raised him, Daiya who taught him, Daiya who sacrificed fucking everything for him. (This sentence was removed due to ~~spoilers~~). It didn’t matter that he was scared, or that he was weak. Daiya loved him regardless, and he always, always kept him safe. 

 Kiyotaka... Kiyotaka never had that... did he? He can’t say for sure, but the kid has never mentioned a sibling, either older or younger, which makes him think he’s an only, no sibs, bro or sis. Which means that he... he didn’t have anyone always on his side. Someone who would protect him no matter what. Or someone that he could protect, no matter what. His da is clearly not that great, if Kiyotaka’s words about him hating him were to go by, and his ma is gone, who knows for how long, or what his relationship was to her when she was around. He... he didn’t have someone to protect him... to keep him safe, from all harm... to... t-to love him...

 Eventually the kid stops crying so hard, the desperate sobs petering out into soft, quiet ones, his breath hitching only slightly every few seconds. And then, a little while later he... he stops sobbing entirely. The tears have run dry, his body has stopped shaking, but he... he doesn’t move away. He just stays there, in Mondo’s arms. 

 Like he belongs there... 

 “Ya feelin’ better?”

 The words are said softly. Gently. He doesn’t wanna spook the kid, knowing how fragile he prolly feels right about now. Mondo gets it. He hasn’t let himself cry fully in years, not even... h-heh. Well. Point is, while he’s not truly cried in years, he remembers how fragile it leaves you feeling afterward. How shaky. 

 And when he sees Kiyotaka’s eyes dart up, looking scared and afraid, Mondo doesn’t tense up. Doesn’t try and hide the openness on his face. He lets the kid see it. The softness. The care. The... the affection, because god, does he feel affection. He lets the kid see it, and he feels the kid settle against him, the fear vanishing, though the lingering sorrow remains. God... how Mondo wishes he could take that away...

 “Yes. I... yes. M-Mondo... t-thank you. I... I’m sorry...”

 Mondo can’t help the way he reaches out at that, hand gently grasping a warm, wet cheek. He realizes absently that that’s the first time the kid has said his name, and god is it making his insides squirm. And he can see the kid look at him with wide, watery eyes, lips open on a soft gasp, looking almost... dazed... shit...

 “Don’t. Thank me. Apologize. Ain’t nothin’, got it? I... I didn’t mind. At all. So, don’t... don’t apologize. It’s alright. You’re... you’re alright.” 

 And he means it. God... does he mean it. It... it had felt nice. So very, very nice. Holding Kiyotaka. Comforting him as he cried, somehow not fucking it up as badly as he’d been fearing. He’s always been so fucking shit at comforting people, feeling like he has to be tough all the time, unable to comfort since tough people aren’t soft and sympathetic. But here, with Kiyotaka... h-he’d been able to be soft. Kind. Gentle. All the things he’s secretly yearned to be for so fucking long, but never was able to, since he doesn’t lead a life that is suited for such things. He always has to be so tough, so strong, but... but with Kiyotaka... with this wondrous, amazing, incredible, beautiful boy...

 He can be soft. 

 And he will never be able to thank Kiyotaka enough for giving him that ability. 

 And when Kiyotaka smiles at him, wide, bright, unrestrained...? Mondo can’t help how he smiles back, wider than he’s ever felt it go before, heart beating so softly and yet meaningfully, feeling so very much for this precious boy. He... he’ll never be able to repay him for this... will he? For what he has given him this day... even if they are never this close again, even if Kiyotaka doesn’t want anything to do with him after this, he’ll never forget what this felt like. What it feels like to be soft. And gentle. And... and kind. 

 But... shit. Shit. 

 Now that they have this... now that he’s tasted this... what happens now? He... he doesn’t wanna... 

 “Shit, man. The fuck we do now? I... I don’t wanna go back ta how it was. I... shit. I was a goddamn monster ta ya these last few weeks... since we met, shit… I... goddamn it,” Mondo mutters, feeling his smile fade as pain fills him, remembering all the shit he has done to this poor, amazing kid. The shit he’s said. The way he’s acted. Kiyotaka gave him so much today, but he hadn’t earned any of it, had he...? He can see the kid shaking his head, looking frantic, like he doesn’t agree, and Mondo can’t help how he glares. Lightly, but it still makes the kid flinch back, proving how much he’s hurt him, and how much he can still, potentially, hurt him. God... he doesn’t wanna ever hurt him... not again… “No, don’t deny it. I was a fuckin’ moron. I just... I ain’t ever... I don’t get you, Kiyotaka. What I feel... when you- you look at me...” 

 And it’s true. He still doesn’t quite get it. What he feels. Why he feels it. It... he thinks he might kinda get it, might kinda realize what this feeling is, why he wants to protect this kid so badly, but it... it doesn’t quite feel like it fits. And he just... he just doesn’t know... but... if not this then... what else? H-heh... 

 Sighing softly, feeling so confused but strangely not angry about it, Mondo allows a wry smile to rise on his lips as he presses closer to the kid, as close as he’s always secretly longed to be, since that first day when he held him but not ever close enough. One of his hands is curled loosely around Kiyotaka’s waist, while his other is still gently cupping his cheek and has been for a little while now. He notices dimly how they are almost bare, Kiyotaka wearing only his underwear while Mondo is in his thin tank top and loose black pants, and he can feel the kid’s heat as it presses against him, oddly intoxicating. Mondo’s hair is down from its pomp, having been knocked loose sometime in the sauna, and it’s been years since someone outside his gang saw him without it up, it makes him feel so naked to have it down, but he... he doesn’t really care. Not when it’s only Kiyotaka who sees it. 

 He... he wants Kiyotaka to see all of him... every last part. 

 Because he... he views the kid like... like a... 

 “It’s like yer my brother or somethin’. Like... my nerdy, dorky little brother. Someone I gotta take care of. Protect. Keep safe, from all harm. I never... shit. I had my brother, but he... he’s gone now. I can’t... I couldn’t protect him, fuck. An’ I… f-fuck. I can’t protect you, either, can I...?  No, I… I can’t... I can’t... a-and why the fuck would you want a fuck-up like me, anyway? You... god, you could do so much better... why would you want someone like me as your brother, s-shit...” 

 The thought stabs Mondo through the heart, the realization that as much as he may want to have this with Kiyotaka, to have a brotherhood with him, they... they likely never will. Because Mondo has messed up too much. Because Mondo ruined their chance before it ever even had the opportunity to live. Because Mondo is so fucking broken and damaged that no one in their right mind would ever want him as a brother. Daiya was forced to have him, and he was so fucking amazing that he chose to love him anyway, but Kiyotaka... he doesn’t have to be stuck with him. He doesn’t owe Mondo anything, anything at all. In fact, Mondo is the one who owes Kiyotaka. So much. So very, very much. Kiyotaka wouldn’t want him. He just... he wouldn’t. 

 And as he feels the kid freeze against him, breath stuttering and harsh, he... he knows he’s right, isn’t he? S-shit... he shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have thought himself good enough to deserve such a gift. Kiyotaka, wanting him like that... wanting him at all... while he may have been soft and pliant in his arms a moment ago, seeming like he was at ease, that doesn’t mean it was because of Mondo or anything that Mondo did. He’d been through an emotional time and he’d needed comfort, and Mondo had just been the nearest warm body. Doesn’t mean he trusts Mondo or that he wants anything from him at all. He’d have to be the world’s biggest fool to think Kiyotaka could ever want him, want him at all. 

 And Mondo... he may be a fool, but he ain’t that big of a fool. 

 Heart aching painfully in his chest, Mondo can’t help how he pulls away, not wanting to force Kiyotaka to be near him when he doesn’t deserve it, doesn’t deserve it at all.

 “Shit, I was right, goddamn it, aw shit! J-just forget I said anything, I- fuck!” 

 Mondo hands come up to clutch at his hair, then, the grip tight and painful but he doesn’t care. He wants it to hurt. To ache. It’s what he deserves for fucking this whole thing up, for being so woefully unworthy of being close to such a bright and beautiful boy. Maybe, had he been better— a better person, a good person— he could have been worthy of it. Had he never let his insecurities get in the way, had he just accepted what he felt as true the minute he felt it, not pushed it away in fear, maybe... maybe then, he could have had this. Kiyotaka, as his friend. Kiyotaka, as his brother. 

 But no. No, no. He had pushed it away. Had been afraid of it, so very afraid. Had let his fear turn to anger, like he was so wont to do, and ruined everything before it even began. 

 He deserves all the misery he feels for how stupid he’d been... 

 Mondo gets jolted out of his thoughts when he feels a soft, tentative hand touch him, his eyes wide and manic as he looks at Kiyotaka, who looks so fucking afraid, god. H-he scares the kid so goddamn much, like he scares everyone, because he’s a monster, a senseless beast that only ever hurts people. Breaks people. He’s not allowed nice things, not allowed good things. Not allowed to be gentle, or soft, or kind. He... he’s just not... 

 To his utter shock, he can see Kiyotaka smile at him. It’s soft, and hesitant, and... and beautiful... but it can’t be real. It... the kid is trying to be kind, trying to hide his fear to make Mondo feel better, because he’s so goddamn nice, so fucking good, shit- 

 “N-no! Don’t worry! I was just- not expecting that! But I- I feel- the same. I feel- the same! I would be honored, Mondo Owada, to be considered your brother! I’ve never had a brother, never even had a friend, but I couldn’t imagine a better one than you! Y-you... you’re incredible...” 

 He... he... does he really mean that...? Does he truly... truly wanna be Mondo’s... Mondo’s brother? The kid is so bad at lying, and it hadn’t sounded like he was lying, but... but it... shit. It can’t be true, it can’t... after all the shit Mondo has done, how could the kid ever see him positively, even a little? Mondo isn’t a good brother, he’d always been so shit to Daiya, taking and taking and taking and never giving. He’d taken everything from Daiya, never satisfied with what Daiya gave freely, so he stole the most important thing in the end. 

 H-he’d just steal everything from Kiyotaka too. 

 It’s what he does... 

 “Ya can’t mean that, Kiyotaka... I’m a goddamn mess... and you... you are... shit. You’re goddamn perfect and I’m hot dog shit, ya can’t... y-you can’t...”

 And it’s true. Mondo has more to say, more to confess, but his throat is so thick, and he doesn’t know how to say it. To confess all his crimes to Kiyotaka, to let him know how unworthy he is. He- he hears Kiyotaka take a deep breath, and he doesn’t wanna hear what the kid has to say, doesn’t wanna hear him agree, but then he’s speaking, and his words... t-they... 

 “Mondo... I- I’m not perfect. I... I’m not. B-but that’s okay! I do my best, but so do you! I can see how hard you try and sometimes that’s all that matters! You’re not... dog feces! You... you’re so much more, Mondo...” 

 No... n-no, the kid, he... he doesn’t understand, he just- he doesn’t understand! Mondo, he has to... has to tell him. N-not all of it, he’s not strong enough to confess it all, he’s always been so goddamn weak, but he- he has to... a little. Enough so the kid knows. So he stops feeling pity for him and realizes that he... 

 He’s just not worth it... 

 “No. N-no, I ain’t shit, goddamnit, I...” Mondo has to stop, feeling so fucking conflicted. On one hand he wants to confess, on the other hand he wants to be selfish, and he just... h-he just... 

 But he can’t. Be selfish. Not... not about this. 

 Not with Kiyotaka. 

 With a soft sigh, he feels the tension inside him melt away, his body relaxing with the decision he’s made. All of his emotions— both good and bad— fade away until all he feels inside is... is...

 Cold resignation...

 “I hate myself. Always fuckin’ have. Heh. There, I... I fuckin’ said it. I love the gang, don’t get me wrong. I love bein’ with ‘em, bein’ a part a’ somethin’ bigger than myself. I love leadin’ ‘em, ridin’ my hog, wind in my hair... I fuckin’ love it. Even bein’ here, unable ta lead directly, I still like callin’ the shots from behind the scenes while my second in command implements it an’ shit. Means somethin’, ‘least. But... I dunno. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle ofa fight and I’ll just... wanna stop. Quit. Do somethin’... do somethin’ else fer a change. But I… heh. I can’t. I promised my bro... Daiya, I... I promised him I’d keep the gang together. He built it from scratch an’ I... I can’t leave that. I made a promise, a man’s promise, ta keep us together. So, I... I gotta keep doin’ that. Can’t stop. Ever. Not ‘til the gang is dead an’ shit, all the members movin’ on ta do better shit with their lives. An’ me… heh. Not much use fer me after that, is there?”

 Mondo pauses, and then looks down at his hands, a small, sad smile on his face. 

 “But you? Yer gonna go places, man. Shootin’ fer the moon. Prime fuckin’ Minister, shit, man. Never met anyone with such high goals, really. Never met anyone who wanted ta do that sorta shit, change things from the inside. Heard ya in class, talkin’ ‘bout yer plans an’ shit. Wantin’ ta make the world a better place, havin’ such hope for this garbage planet. Ya... ya’ve got drive. Determination. An’ I know yer gonna do it, ya know. Succeed. More than any a’ the other chucklefucks we go ta school with, ‘least. Yer just so... determined. Got such passion. I... I admire that ‘bout ya, always did.”

 Mondo pauses again, and he… he laughs. It’s sad, and pathetic, and it... he... h-heh...

 “But that… heh. That ain’t me, Kiyo. Ain’t me. I ain’t got plans, ain’t got any fuckin’ clue a’ what I’m gonna do after school ends. They got me takin’ fuckin’ leadership classes an’ shit, but the fuck am I gonna do with that bullshit? I can lead a gang, yeah, but that… heh. That’s ‘bout it, Christ. An’ ya… yer gonna see that one day. And yer gonna leave me. And I’ll be happy fer ya, ‘course I will, but... sh-shit. God... goddamnit...” 

 Mondo doesn’t know where he’s going with this. He doesn’t know what he’s saying or why he’s saying it. His head is so jumbled, so scrambled, and part of him wants to tell Kiyotaka everything. About his parents. About his brother. About what he did, what he stole. He wants to confess so, so badly, to see the hatred and anger and rage on that kid’s face when he realizes how big a piece of shit Mondo really is, horrified that he’d ever felt pity for such a pitiless creature. 

 But...

 He can’t. Can’t do that. He... he can’t burden Kiyotaka with his bullshit. And knowing the kid... he’d still try. To feel pity. To feel sorrow. He- he’s such a good person, so bright and shining. He’s the kind of person who would see a merciless and dangerous monster like him and think there’s something worthwhile in it. It wouldn’t be until his neck is snapped under Mondo’s uncaring hand that he’d realize he was wrong. And maybe... maybe not even then. He’d die, thinking Mondo was better than he was, even if it were Mondo who killed him. 

 God...

 So, he can’t tell the truth. Can’t burden the kid like that. But he... he can’t let him get close. Even if he... he really wants to... 

 “I’ll just hold ya back. Ya don’t want someone like me, Kiyo. Ya don’t want someone like me at all. So... I ‘ppreciate yer words. But it may be best ta leave this here. Ta... ta forget ‘bout this all and just... move on. I’ll leave ya alone and ya won’t hafta-”

 “No!” Mondo hears echo through the room, cutting off his words so thoroughly. It startles the fuck out of him, and he can’t help how he stares, wide-eyed, up at Kiyotaka. It’s weird, looking up to see the kid, but he’s sitting upright, almost standing but not quite, knees firmly planted on the floor. But seeing as how Mondo is crumbled pathetically on the floor, sitting back on his thighs, he has to look up to see Kiyotaka. And he looks... looks so...

 Scared...

 But...

 Not... not of- of... of Mondo...? 

 “Mondo, please! I just... look. I- I try to be perfect, but I... I’m not! And I know you aren’t either! But... but maybe that’s okay! Maybe... m-maybe... maybe we can learn to be not perfect... together? I, ah. I don’t know! A-all I know is... I want to be f-friends with you, Mondo Owada. I don’t care about your flaws; I don’t care that you’re in a gang! I just... I want... w-we can be brothers. If you want... we can be brothers. I want... I would want nothing more than to be your brother! Your kyoudai!” 

 Brothers. Brothers. Kiyotaka wants them to be... brothers...

 It’s too good to be true. Too fucking good to be true. Mondo doesn’t get nice things like this. He doesn’t get soft, kind, gentle things. He gets shit. He gets cruelty. He gets anger and hatred and rage. He gets angry fists and cruel words, and a suspicious look on his back at all fucking times. After all the shit he has done, the people he has hurt, the lives he has ruined, he... he doesn’t deserve... he just doesn’t... 

 But as he sits there, staring up at Kiyotaka with wide eyes and an open mouth, he... he remembers something. Something the kid had said, in the sauna. How he... he never had a friend before. How everyone always hated him. And it could have just been insecurity talking, the kid thinking people hated him when they really didn’t but judging by the scars, he... he would doubt that. 

 He’s never had a friend. He’s never had a brother. Someone to keep him safe. To protect him from all harm. Someone to hold onto, someone to tell him it is alright. That he is alright. He... he hasn’t had that. 

 And Mondo is the worst choice for a brother. He knows it, okay? He’s so fucking awful it’s not funny. But... but he... the kid doesn’t seem to get that. And Mondo is too weak to explain why he shouldn’t want it. And, as such, he... Kiyotaka wants to be friends. Brothers. With him. 

 Mondo is a mess. He messes everything up, ruining everything he touches. He... he doesn’t want to ruin Kiyotaka too. He doesn’t want to hurt him. He... he never...

 But maybe...

 Maybe...

 It’s stupid. God, so fucking stupid. But maybe... if he tries hard, so fucking hard... if he is careful, keeps his anger in check, does all he can, he... maybe he...

 He can be Kiyotaka’s brother...

 And keep him safe...

 It makes him smile. It’s small at first, tentative. Like a stiff wind will blow it away. But as Kiyotaka keeps looking at him steadily, earnestly, he... he feels the smiles strengthen. Feels as it grows wider and wider, until it fills his whole face, his eyes squinting with how wide it is. He’s never felt like this before, so scared and terrified, but also... also... 

 Hopeful.

 “Ya... ya really mean that, Kiyo?” 

 Kiyo. Mondo doesn’t really know why he’s calling the kid that, nicknames aren’t super common in their culture, but somehow, he... he kinda likes it. He doesn’t know if the kid does, he should ask, but before he has the chance to, the kid is nodding. Enthusiastic and bright, a shaky grin on his face. He still seems a little out of it, but god, is he trying... fuck that kid is so amazing...

 “Yes! Of course! I always mean everything I say! I would not lie to you, Mondo, I promise you that! We shall be the best kyoudai! You’ll see! Aha! This is fantastic!”

 Oh, god... this kid is so fucking cute! God... h-he really shouldn’t be thinking that, should push it away like he always pushes stupid ass thoughts like that away, but he... he’s allowed to see his brother as cute... right? Or, well... his little brother. Though... fuck. Is Kiyotaka younger than him? He seems like it, as naive and endlessly optimistic as he is, but fuck, he doesn’t actually know. Mondo is usually one of the youngest in his class, since his birthday is at the end of the year, but he’s always felt decades older than the chucklefucks he goes to school with. Maybe it’s ‘cuz he was forced to grow up so fucking fast in order to survive, shit. 

 But you know what? Whatever. It doesn’t matter if Mondo is older or not. He’s the older brother regardless. That shit is felt, not necessarily determined by birth order. Daiya was his older brother in more ways than just because he was physically older, after all.  

 At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that... that Kiyotaka wants this. Wants... wants Mondo. And Mondo doesn’t deserve it, had never deserved it, but fuck, is he a selfish bastard. But he won’t take this shit for granted. Now that they are brothers, Mondo will go all fucking out. No fucking reservations. They are brothers, now, and Mondo is the big brother. The ani. It’s his duty and obligation to keep Kiyotaka safe from all harm, including (and especially) from Mondo himself. And he won’t. Hurt him. Not now, not ever. If he ever does, he will stab himself in the gut, commit fucking seppuku, he swears he will. He’d rather die than hurt this precious, amazing, incredible boy ever, ever again. 

 And so, Mondo grins, and he laughs, and he lets his arms reach forward and wrap around the kid, like he’s been wanting to do since he ripped himself away the last time. Part of him is afraid the kid won’t want it, or he’ll realize how stupid this whole thing is, but Kiyotaka doesn’t even tense at all as he goes willingly into Mondo’s arms, melting like warm putty against him. Like he... he belongs there...

 S-shit... 

 “Okay. O-okay. Kiyotaka, I... I’ll do my best. I can’t promise ya anythin’, know I’m a goddamn fuck-up who ruins everything, but... but for you? I’ll try. That... that’s all I can offer... heh…” 

 It’s not enough, not nearly enough, but he feels Kiyotaka wrap his arms around him, holding on so very, very tight, and it... it feels...

 Like coming home... 

 “That is all I could ever ask of you, my kyoudai! Y-you’re not a- a screw up! And- and your best is more than enough!”

 Shit. Shit. No one... no one has ever told him that before. That the best he offers is more than enough. It’s never been enough, he’s never been enough. He’s a screw up. The unwanted kid. The person who is good for violence and anger and rage, and that’s about it. 

 But here, being held by this remarkable fucking kid... hearing him say that it’s enough... that he’s enough…

 Maybe he’s inclined to believe him. 

 Wow... just...

 Wow...

 After a minute Mondo pulls back, knowing they need to talk about stuff, knowing he has to make promises, and it makes his heart sing when he feels the kid resist, arms refusing to let go at first. It makes him laugh softly, especially because he fully understands. But he doesn’t intend to go far. Just... he needs to look the kid in the eyes. He... he needs to see those beautiful as sin eyes...

 Pressing his forehead to Kiyotaka’s, soft and gentle and intimate, he can’t help how he smiles, eyes shining with the light he feels inside. And Kiyotaka... he...

 He looks at Mondo like he fucking matters... 

 “I’ll be good. Fer ya... I’ll be good. Promise, Kiyo. And ya can hold me ta that, got it? This is a promise between men. That means I gotta keep it.” 

 The kid looks stunned, eyes glazed but not in a bad way, breath hitched, and it... it makes Mondo feel...

 “Likewise! I- I will do everything I can to be the best brother I can be! I promise! We shall be the best kyoudai in the world! That’s a Kiyotaka Ishimaru guarantee!” 

 The enthusiastic words make Mondo laugh again, and he pulls away to wrap an arm around the kid’s shoulders, ruffling his hair gently like Daiya would always do to him. He notices that the hair is a bit longer than it once had been, and fuck, does he like it. The sweat from the sauna had made all the gel run out and his hair is now soft as it dries, curling lightly around the kid’s ears and it just...

 It’s so beautiful... 

 But ruffling the kid’s hair makes it fall in his eyes, which makes the kid let out an annoyed sound, adorable again, and Mondo can’t help the way he laughs. God, this kid makes him so goddamn happy... he’s never felt this happy before... never...

 “Yer the absolute, goddamn best, kyoudai. Kiyo. Hey, uh... is it okay if I call ya that? Kiyotaka’s just a bit of a mouthful, ‘sall. Ya got any other nicknames I could use?” 

 He looks at the kid at that, Kiyotaka’s (or should he say Kiyo? Does the kid like it? Shit...) mouth pulled down in a thoughtful frown. A moment passes, and then- 

 “A-ah! Kiyo is fine! If you’d like! B-but... well... m-my mother. She called me... Taka. Y-you could use that, as well! If you’d like...” 

 Taka, huh? Taka. Taka. Yeah... yeah, he- he likes it. He likes it a lot! It suits the kid, and while Mondo still does kinda like Kiyo, he might like Taka a bit better. And if the kid wants him to call him that, then shit... who is he to deny him...?

 Smiling, soft and gentle in a way he’s never been able to be before, he nods. 

 “Taka... heh, I like it! Alright, Taka. Mondo ain’t exactly got any good nicknames fer it, but ya can call me that, if ya’d like.”

 Mondo watches as Taka blushes lightly, lips still partially open as he breathes in and out slowly. His eyes are kinda glazed still, but he seems present enough. Just... like he’s thinking of something. Mondo wants to reach out, wants to pull the kid into a hug again, wants to always, always be touching him, but he keeps his distance. Just... just for now. But later... 

 The kid shoots up again, interrupting Mondo’s thoughts, looking so enthusiastic again, eyes bright and smile happy. Holy shit...

 “Oh! I can always call you kyoudai!! That way the whole world will know our manly bond!” 

 It makes Mondo laugh again, harder, and he can’t help how he reaches out to ruffle his hair again, needing to touch him at least a little. Kyoudai, huh? ... yeah. Yeah, he likes that, too. Daiya was always ani to him, the proper name for the big brother, and Daiya usually called him shit like ‘kid’ or whatever, so it’s not like Taka calling him that will bring up any bad memories or shit. It’s just... something for them. Their own, little thing, for them and no one else. 

 Him and Taka. Taka and him. Two... two kyoudai...

 Incredible... 

 “Alright, Taka. If ya’d like. Now, it’s fuckin’ late. I ain’t even gotta look at a clock ta know that. Come on, kyoudai. Let’s get ya ta bed.” 

 Mondo stands, then, realizing how fucking late it is. The kid always gets up stupidly early, he remembers Taka saying that once a little while ago, so he knows they should be heading to bed soon. He feels strangely reluctant to do that, never wanting to part from this beautiful boy, but- but he’s the big brother. He has to keep his little brother safe and healthy, and that includes ensuring he gets a good night’s sleep. Even if it means they have to part ways...

 As Mondo stretches, he sees Taka stand as well, his body flushing bright red as he looks down at himself and seems to notice his state of undress. Like he’d forgotten or something. Mondo hadn’t. Not... not for a single second. Shit... 

 He feels his eyes dart down to the kid’s chest, unbidden, and he feels the small smile die on his lips as he sees the long, jagged looking scar that goes from Taka’s collarbone to the bottom of his sternum, right over his heart. How... how the fuck did he get a scar like that...? It doesn’t look like one that would come from surgery or something, since it’s too jagged, and it also doesn’t look accidental. But... but how the fuck... 

 “How’d ya get that? The... the scar?” Mondo finds himself asking softly before he can stop himself, his hand rising absently to trace the length of it. Fuck, but it feels as jagged as it looks... angry and painful. H-he hopes it doesn’t hurt anymore... 

 “A-ah... that...” Taka mutters, his body flushing. It jolts Mondo out of the fucking fugue he entered, and he removes his hand quickly, feeling embarrassed. S-shit... he shouldn’t have asked that, it ain’t his fucking business. Yeah, they’re kyoudai, but that... that don’t mean he’s earned the right to hear the kid’s dark history. He still has to earn that shit. He knows that.

 “Aw, shit! Taka, ignore me. Y’ain’t gotta talk ‘bout that shit. Uh, shi-shoot, I mean... stuff? Sorry… heh, know ya hate swearin’ an’ sh- stuff. Heh…” 

 Taka blinks at Mondo’s rambling words, which makes him feel strangely nervous. He doesn’t let it take over him, though. Doesn’t let himself get angry. But strangely... the anger he usually feels when embarrassed or nervous just... never showed up in the first place. Huh... 

 He watches, then, heart clenching, as Taka smiles at him, soft and gentle as ever. F-fuck...

 “I... I don’t mind! It’s not exactly a pleasant story, but I trust you, kyoudai! And... I don’t mind you cursing! Much! It... it’s what makes you, you! Just as long as you don’t do it in class or in the halls!”

 He... doesn’t mind him... cursing...???? After all those warnings, all of those detention slips, he truly expects Mondo to believe he doesn’t mind it when Mondo fucking curses? 

 But... huh. He can’t detect a lie in the kid’s words. He looks as earnest as ever, and it just... god. Mondo can’t begin to describe how he feels right now, just that it feels... soft. 

 Taka... Taka makes him feel soft. And fuck, is it not bad... not bad at all... 

 Unsure of what to say, what to do, Mondo just laughs again, since that’s the only thing that even slightly manages to express the softness that he feels inside, and he smiles at the kid gently while nodding. He should feel stupid, ridiculous, but he just... doesn’t. 

 God... 

 He watches then as Taka walks over to the locker he’d used earlier, seeming to want to no longer be partially nude. Mondo doesn’t mind it, has never minded being around naked dudes, but he guesses not everyone can be like that. As the kid dresses, he starts to talk. And the story he tells... 

 “It was one of my middle school bullies. I, er... wasn’t well liked, as a child! They never liked how I would get them in trouble, not to mention... ah. M-my, well. My grandfather,” Taka mutters, voice turning nervous as he talks about his grandfather, glancing at him anxiously. 

 Mondo still isn’t entirely sure what the kid’s deal with his grandfather is, but he can tell it bothers the kid, shit, so he does his best to not look at all judgmental, even though the fact the kid was fucking bullied makes his blood fucking boil... shit. He’d expected it, honestly, but it still fucking angers the fuck out of him, Christ…

 Luckily, it seems his anger at that isn’t too obvious, since the kid continues then, voice less shaky and upset, even though the shit he says... 

 “One day, one of them was... particularly angry. I’d gotten him suspended, you see, for a week. It was his own fault, he was the one who had scratched profanities into the headmaster’s car, I’d just been the one to report it! Still, he was... angry. So, after school, he had his friends hold me down while he cut this into my chest. A reminder, he said, to mind my own business. I think he was going to do more but was interrupted by something. It was most unpleasant!” 

 Holy. Fucking. Shit.

 Holy shit, holy shit!

 What the goddamn shit?!

 Some goddamn motherfucker... carved that shit into Taka’s chest...?! And how the fuck can Taka sound so casual about it?! Mondo has never felt so much rage directed towards someone he’s never met, but holy fucking shit, that goddamn bastard had better hope Mondo never meets him, or else he is fucking dead. The thought that anyone could ever hurt this wonderful boy in such a way is just so... insane to Mondo. How people can see him and not want to keep him safe from all harm is just... he doesn’t get it. Even when he told himself he hated the kid, he couldn’t bear the thought of actually hurting him. Not really. 

 And Taka he... he looks so fucking sad, right now. But also, just... resigned. Like he expects that treatment and, while it sucks, it’s just... life. Which is so much fucking bullshit, holy fucking shit-

 Mondo unintentionally lets out a strangled noise, his anger and rage choking him inside. He sees the kid look up at him and sees panic rise in his face when he sees the anger Mondo so clearly feels. Oh, shit... shit, he’s not mad at Taka, he’s not at all, but he can’t make the anger go away, because... because... 

 “They fuckin’ what?! What the goddamn shit?! Please tell me ya got those fuckers expelled!” 

 He had to have... right? Taka is so gung-ho about rules and shit, he- he must have told on those fuckers and got all of them expelled... r-right? 

 Wrong...

 “A-ah! N-not exactly! I... I never reported them! I rarely ever did, to tell the truth... it wouldn’t have mattered, see! The teachers didn’t like me much either; they only ever believed me if I had proof, and even then, only half the time! And they never much cared when I got hurt... b-but it was okay! I persisted and never let them break me down! My struggles made me stronger! Aha!” 

 W... what? He... he... oh, oh god... n-no... 

 “Y-you... what?” Mondo whispers, his eyebrows furrowed, his hands shaking. He has never felt so horrified before, a terrifying realization overcoming him. Because he... he was right, wasn’t he? This kid... h-he was abused. Horribly so. 

 By literally fucking everyone, holy fucking shit-!

 “I mean... that’s just... how it was? I handled it, though! I never gave up! They... they did not break me!” 

 Oh. Oh. Oh, this... this poor fucking kid... his poor fucking kyoudai, having to go through that nightmare, actually believing that it was just... normal. Just... how it was. But he... he can’t actually... actually believe he deserved it... r-right...?

 “Goddamnit... that’s why ya keep tellin’ me ta... ta punish ya, ain’t it? Taka, please tell me ya don’t actu’ly think ya deserved that shit?” 

 He can’t. He can’t. Please, god, he... he can’t...

 Mondo watches, heart breaking so thoroughly inside his chest, as Taka looks down at his uniform jacket, the only piece of his get up he’s not yet wearing. He’s frowning gently, like he actually has to fucking think about it, oh god, no...

 “I- I... I suppose so... I mean-! I... I don’t know. They all hated me... s-so... they must have had a good reason... r-right? To... to hate me. I... I must have deserved it... right?” 

 No. No. No. Mondo... he can’t fucking handle this shit. So many things make so much sense now, and he has never hated himself more. For not seeing it sooner. For not allowing himself to care about this boy all along. For maybe even reenforcing this goddamn bullshit, making the kid think he is right, when he sure as shit ain’t. He...

 He can’t help how he moves. Swift and quick. He- he just needs to be near the kid, needs to hold him, reassure him that no, he didn’t. Didn’t at all. He needs to do what he should have done weeks ago, in the laundry room, and reassure that kid that no. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt. Not... not ever... 

 He stops, though, when he sees Taka look up at him, terror in his eyes, like he... he thinks Mondo is going to fucking hurt him. He wants to go forward, wants to hold the kid so fucking bad, but he doesn’t have that fucking right, so he stays where he is, all the sorrow he feels surely reflected in his eyes. And as the kid looks at him, he... he relaxes. He still looks upset, but he doesn’t look scared. That... that’s something...

 Right? 

 “No. Fuckin’ no. Y’ain’t deserved any a’ that shit, goddamn, man… and I promise ya, Taka, I’m gonna make sure ya see that one day, even if it takes the rest a’ my goddamn life. And that’s a man’s promise.” 

 And he means it, fuck does he mean it. He had never meant anything more. He will spend the rest of his goddamn life ensuring that this wonderful kid knows how special and amazing he is, and that he never, ever deserves to be hurt. It’s his life’s fucking goal now, the one thing that fucking matters. He will take care of Taka for the rest of his goddamn life, even after the kid finally wises up and leaves his ass. He will watch from the shadows, keeping a careful eye on him, there to keep him safe from all harm. This kid will never know pain again if it’s the last fucking thing Mondo does. He swears. 

 As the kid looks at him, he sees the softest and most beautiful smile he’s ever seen lighting up the boy’s face. His eyes sparkle with it, and he’s looking at Mondo like he’s important again. Like he... like he matters. And Mondo...

 He won’t ruin this shit. He just... he won’t. 

 This matters too goddamn much for him to let it slip away. 

 “T-thank you... thank you, kyoudai. I... thank you.” 

 Mondo smiles gently at the kid, moving forward to tentatively wrap an arm around his shoulder, squeezing gently, needing to touch him but not wanting to overwhelm him, god. 

 “Ain’t gotta thank me, bro. Now, we really should head ta bed. Got school tomorrow an’ I don’t want my bro ta be tired! Come on, kyoudai. Let’s get goin’.” 

 Taka nods quick and puts his jacket on, buttoning it with practiced fingers. The kid turns back to the locker, frowning gently at whatever he sees inside. Mondo watches as the kid reaches out and grabs it, his breath hitching when he sees the kid is holding the glasses case that started this whole fucking mess. He... he honestly had forgotten about that shit, to tell the truth, with all the drama that just occurred. But as he looks at the kid, who is looking so softly at the glasses case, like they’re precious to him, he... he knows he owes the kid for the shit he put him through earlier, for no fucking reason. He can’t quite find it in him to regret what happened, not when it ended up like this, but he... he has to make it up to the kid. All of it. 

 So, quick as a wink, Mondo darts his hand out and carefully takes the case from Taka, ignoring the startled sound the kid makes. He can feel the kid watching him with wide eyes, but he doesn’t let it stop him as he opens the case and— without a single moment’s pause— puts the glasses on his face, blinking at the foreign feel. It... it hasn’t changed his vision much, since this shit is only supposed to help with close up shit, but it... huh. He guesses it ain’t so bad... 

 “Huh... I guess they ain’t that bad... tell me, kyoudai. How do they look?”

 He hadn’t really meant to ask the question, but he just... couldn’t help but remember the shit he’d done the last time he’d worn the glasses and Taka had told him what he thought. He... maybe he wants to show that it’s different, now. That he won’t get angry, not this time. To prove that he will never hurt Taka, never again. Not... not ever again. 

 He watches as the kid flushes bright red, mouth open slightly again, and- and god, is it an attractive look on him... s-shit... and then the kid is smiling shakily, giving a shaky thumbs up, and that’s even... even worse... or better, heh... 

 “You look amazing, kyoudai! They suit you well!” 

 A-amazing, huh? Shit... no one’s ever said he looks amazing before... he’s had a couple of people call him hot, or even sexy once or twice, but never... never amazing...

 He adores it... adores... Taka... 

 It makes him smile again. Soft. Happy. So goddamn happy... he will never be able to repay Taka for the happiness he gives him... not even if he dedicates the rest of his life to trying. Which he will. He... he will...

 But it’s late. So fucking late. They... they need to get to bed...

 Even if Mondo never wants to part from this amazing kid...

 “Ah, cool. I guess. Now, c’mon! Bed! Ain’t gonna be the reason ya can’t focus in class tomorrow, ya nerd!”

 With that, Mondo turns to grab his duster off the bench he’d tossed it on earlier, shrugging it on carefully, before finally exiting the bathhouse, Taka on his heels. 

 Shit...

[possessingtheproperspirit]

Writing asks if you please, 8, 24 and 57 💕

thanks doe!! 🥰

8. Post an out-of-context spoiler from a wip.

As he found his seat, a woman moved to his side; petite; glossy locks knotted at the nape of her neck. She glanced from her name card to the one in front of him, then flicked her gaze up to find his: he gave her what he hoped was a friendly smile. “Hi, nice to meet you,” he said, pulling out her chair for her. “I hope you’re ready to make a new best mate.”

Her answering laughter was very encouraging.

24. How do you choose whose POV to write in?

It depends! For TPWP, sometimes it's an easy choice, as there are only one or two of them in the scene anyway, so it's a matter of whose perspective I think will be the most interesting. For chapters like 22, where they're all in one place for the day, I thought about what I needed to happen (even if these things were more emotional notes to hit rather than events) and then considered whose POV would best serve that section. For other fics... again, it depends on what it's about. Sometimes it's fun writing James being a simp; sometimes it's fun writing Lily being pathetically in love. Fun either way ;)

57. How conscious are you about including symbolism or foreshadowing in your fics?

I'm not sure I'm clever enough to be aware of doing it all that much, ha. Foreshadowing is a handy tool, and some fics I've been choosing it more consciously - like in TPWP and Forget-Me-Not, for example. Ultimately I think this is where planning is actually helpful.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

I finally finished writing chapter 22 of TPWM!! 😄 It ended up over 25k words, which is about 10k words more than chapter 23 of TPWP! 😄😄😄😄😄

Ahhh. No wonder this story is taking me so long to write. Each chapter is almost the length of a novel on its own. But I’m slowly getting there! I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there will most likely be a long wait after I finish publishing the chapters I do have of TPWM, but at least I have full confidence that I will, one day, finish this fic. Even if it takes me a couple years. I’m just debating if it would be better to wait and publish the rest of the fic all at once, or just post chapters as I finish them once I run out. Maybe I’ll play it by ear when we get there, ha. I’m still not looking forward to writing the final chapter. I have no doubt that it’s gonna prolly be twice as long as the original. I mean… Mondo discussing what happened to Daiya alone is gonna take so much longer. Oof.

Anyway, just wanted to let y’all know, ha. Time to edit it and hope it’s not god awful. But!!! (Mild Spoilers for TPWM!!!) I finally was able to write Mondo not being in denial about his feelings for Taka! Obviously this doesn’t solve everything, but it was nice to finally write Mondo accepting his feelings. Trust me, however frustrated y’all are at Mondo’s denial, I’m ten times worse. It was all fine and dandy writing him in denial while in TPWP. It’s another thing entirely having to WRITE about that constant denial when he’s so CLEARLY IN LOVE WITH TAKA GOD. Ha.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

Is there an upcoming chapter of TPWM that you especially looking forward to publishing and why?

Hi! Thanks for the question! To answer, I mean... yes??? Ha, there are a TON of chapters I'm looking forward to posting, like almost every one of them.

(Mild spoilers ahead! Nothing major, just some minor details, but I figured I'd warn, ha. I'm going to put it in a read more just since it gets a bit long and I don't want to clutter up dashes, ha.)

One I'm really looking forward to is the companion to chapter 15, right before the sunset ride, and a big part of it is because it's pretty much a completely unique chapter, since most of the original was Taka on his own without Mondo. As such, it shows Mondo without Taka, which is exciting. It also introduces an OC I'm really proud of, who those of you who read my ask game spoilers saw. His name is Daisuke and in my universe, he was Daiya's mentor. Mondo was never super close to him, since he has issues with male parental figures, but they have some nice moments together in the chapter and I'm so excited to share that, ha.

Another chapter I'm excited to share is the companion to chapter 21 (the baking one), as well as the companion to chapter 22 (the one where Mondo learns about bisexuality). Those ones are fun, though I think I need to edit them a bit more before posting, since they're a bit clunky in spots. Overall, I like them, though, since it shows more of Mondo's position with their arrangement, which is honestly probably not what people would expect. I get a lot of comments about how people are upset with Mondo for how he acts, and I do hope that these chapters especially help show what is going on in his head. He's a bit of a mess, poor boy.

But yeah! I'm excited to post all of TPWM, really. I honestly... I kind of like TPWM more than TPWP, if only because I had more time to get used to the characters before writing it. When I wrote TPWP, I still hadn't finished watching the playthrough of Danganronpa, so I didn't know all the characters very well. I based them more on fanfics I had read, not having my own view of them yet. By the middle of TPWP, like around chapter 16, I had started to get a solid grasp of not just Taka and Mondo, but the rest too, and was able to make my own version of them all in a way that was similar enough to canon, but not exact. But that took me, like... half the story. I was able to start TPWM with this knowledge, which makes it feel more organic to me, I guess? If that makes sense, ha. I also kind of like Mondo better than Taka, since he's more "my type," ha. I love the redeemable bad guy/ bad boy type, so Mondo is right up my alley. I love Taka, don't get me wrong! I just tend to gravitate towards characters like Mondo a bit more.

Thanks for the question!! I hope this answered it well, ha.

[dracothedeatheatingcupcake-ao3]

So in reading TPWM, it's stated that Mondo has a desk full of detention slips from Kiyotaka because he doesn't throw any of them away and I can't remember if Taka finds them. But that mental image of Taka opening up Mondo's drawer and just detention slips everywhere. Taka is just so confused because "Why do you have these, Mondo? These are from THE BEGINNING LF THE SCHOOL YEAR?!?"

;-)

I will only say that in TPWP, no, I don't believe I ever mention Taka finding the detention slips (since Mondo keeping them was a TPWM addition I believe, ha), but just because I didn't mention something in TPWP, doesn't mean it didn't happen. Just in general, really. TPWP was a MONSTER of a fic and in order to save what little I have left of my sanity, I couldn't feasibly mention everything going on. So, know that there is stuff happening that doesn't get mentioned, and the way I see it, it's mostly because Taka doesn't view it as super important. Things like his morals committee and hall monitor duties don't get any screen time since Taka sees that sort of thing as basic and everyday, and not novel like all his experiences with Mondo (also because I've never been the kind of person to do that sort of thing, ha. I was a good student and very polite, but my schools didn't have hall monitors, and I don't think moral committees are actually a real life thing, honestly. I also find that sort of thing tedious and boring, oof. But that's the meta reason ;-) )

Thanks for the ask!!!

(Also, if you want a mild spoiler for the scene this is addressed in in TPWM, click the read more. It's not much, but I don't want to spoil people who don't want to see it, ha.)

Anyway, yes, Taka does find the slips in TPWM, but it's a bit of a throwaway line. It has Taka being flustered but happy by the discovery, and rather than throwing them away, he organizes them carefully. I don't remember which chapter this happens in, but it's obviously after chapter 8 since that's when they become friends, ha. But Taka vaguely understands the reason why Mondo kept them-- which is because even at the beginning of their acquaintance, Mondo was a bit (HA) obsessed with Taka-- and so is not very confused by it. I mean... he probably is a little, but mostly is pleased that Mondo thinks of him in general.

Also, non-sequitur, but I think I made Taka more knowledgeable of social things in TPWP than he is in canon, oof. That's mostly because I personally am very observant of that sort of thing thanks to my anxiety, so I see things even if they're not there. My first therapist called that "mind reading," which is hard for me to not imagine other people doing, ha. Oh well. I acknowledge my Taka is not exactly like he is in canon, but at least he was relatable to a lot of readers, so that's something. ^-^