#That post-college depression hit like a BITCH afterwards | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

befitandchase · 4 years

Text

I just need to talk about yesterday

It straight up sucked. So damn much happened at work.

I am so fucking angry about this. Why? Because she made me feel like shit in front of the whole office! “You should have paid attention to the work order!” I... I literally did. It said black and white where I’m supposed to look... “Didn’t you see the highlights?!” Yes... but why didn’t you highlight the top where it said red numbers?! “I lost money on this job!” Well, bitch, you should have priced it in color.

I was fuming afterwards. And then when I started cutting printed jobs, I noticed a huge discrepancy from the top and bottom of the page. Turns out the new girl doesn’t know how to use InDesign templates correctly. But you know what? My quick thinking and problem solving skills saved the entire job from having to be reprinted. And what did I get for that? NOTHING!

Whatever...

And then came my lunch break. I was sitting at my desk going through emails on my phone and Bitchass asks the new girl, “If I asked you to drop what you were working on and do something else, would you have a problem with that?” And I’m just like WTF?! Are you seriously making a dig at me and my ADHD?!

I’m absolutely flabbergasted at this point. There’s more to it that I can’t remember exactly but that was the gist. I was literally speechless. Like, what are you trying to say? Are you implying that I can’t do that? Are you trying to make me look bad? I just can’t even right now.

Anyway, the rest of the day passes and I finally get off work. I head home to change into something more fun because I’m going to a lecture that evening with the branch manager of the NWS. This is the guy you wanna get to know because he’s responsible for financing projects and research. Of course I wanna get to know him and hear his lecture!

It starts off funny enough. He’s got some great anecdotes about college and grad school and starting at the NWS as a programmer. But then towards the end of the lecture he begins talking about how his bosses have always had his back and how they’ve been so encouraging and helpful and it really hit me harder than I expected.

Coming off the day I had, my entire mental state shifted. I went from being excited to feeling absolutely worthless. It was the absolute worst depression attack I’ve ever experienced. There was a point during questions where I damn near burst into tears.

Instead of going out, which was one of my other reasons for going to the lecture, I hightailed out of the hall and headed back to my car, tearing up as I walked through the parking lot until I was safely inside my vehicle.

And then came the torrent of tears and all the terrible thoughts that kept racing through my head.

And that’s how I ended up ditching my own post birthday celebration with friends I hadn’t seen in a while and pretty much letting Weather Dad down.

I bawled my eyes out after receiving those texts because I felt like such a failure. I cried so hard last night that I was still sniffing when I woke up this morning and had a massive headache.

I feel like I lost a part of myself last night. I feel like I let everyone down, especially me. I felt like I didn’t deserve going out and enjoying myself because I had failed in so many ways that day, what was one more failure? Besides, I knew I was just going to sit off in a corner by myself and be completely ignored while I wallowed. So, what was the point in going out?

I went home and broke there, alone, with just Mocha to keep me company. I’m still hurting. I’ll probably be hurting for a long time to come. I don’t want to saddle anyone else with this hurt so I’m just going to keep it to myself. Yes, it’ll spill out here as a way to cope while I wait to see what happens with my insurance and if I’ll be able to afford a therapist again. I don’t expect anyone to read this. It’s mostly just for me as a way of keeping track of my depression.

I won’t lie, though. After yesterday, the suicidal thought came back with a vengeance. They were on my mind when I woke up this morning. They’re still on my mind now. They’re not as bad, but they linger in everything I do. But you know they’re bad enough when they stay with you even after your sister brings home a new puppy. I’ll post about him later, though. It’s not the right time now.

#depression #depression spiral #i had a bad day #life sucks #work sucks #my boss is a bitch #and i am a failure #good times #ignore this #ignore me

2 notes · View notes

datinglove07-blog-blog-blog · 5 years

Text

50 Meet-Cute Couple Stories That Will Make You Believe In Love Again

New Post has been published on https://onlinedatingloves.com/awesome/50-meet-cute-couple-stories-that-will-make-you-believe-in-love-again/

50 Meet-Cute Couple Stories That Will Make You Believe In Love Again

1.I was waitressing, he came in all the time with his friends. Him and I became friendly, played jokes on each other, he grew to be one of my favorite regular customers.

Then, there were a few weeks when he didn’t is an indication at all, and I realized that I actually missed him. I didn’t have any of his contact details. I told myself that if he ever came back in, I needed to take the chance and ask him out.

Next night he came in, I guess we both had the same idea. He asked me before I could. I wrote my number down on a piece of receipt paper( which he still has ), we went out the next night, and we’ve been together ever since. He’s the love of my life.

2.Way back in 1980, I was working in south FL. A guy I worked with was retiring soon and had bought a vacation cabin in north GA. He showed me a picture of the cabin and posing in front was a dark haired beauty who he identified as his daughter. I remarked she was very attractive.

Forward a few weeks and he tells me the daughter had just broken up with her boyfriend, was in the dumps, and asked if I wanted to ask her out.

We went on a blind date, were married 2 years later, and now have three grown children and scheming where to go for our 37 th anniversary.

3.We were at a business networking event where the rule was that you were not allowed to buy drinks for yourself, whatever you bought you had to put it into someone else’s hand as an opener to dialogue. So this gorgeous brunette strolled up to me, put a gin-and-tonic in my hand, and introduced herself.

Hello, wife.

4.I considered him in the grocery store, and I thought he was handsome. I approached him in frozen foods as he was looking at a 5 lb. container of chicken nuggets. I asked if he was married, and when he said no, I asked if he would like to take me out some time. He set the bag of chicken nuggets on his head like he was about to pass out and we both chuckled. We are married with 4 year old twin boys now. :) 10/10 would recommend approaching a handsome stranger in the supermarket.

5.Soccer game. I was watching my good “girl friend” at the time play. Game ends and I go down to the field to congratulate her. Asked her where the other team was from, and I never heard of the place, so I said fuck it, went over to the cutest daughter on the other team, gave her my number, and here I am 4.3 years later with a girl I hope to marry. Having a pair of balls and saying fucking it can either pay off tremendously or back fire horribly.

6.I am a Match.com commercial for the wife. I had sent her a message after her account expired. She renewed her account, got my message, and 10 years later we are married with 3 kids and a dog.

7.We were both character musicians at Disney. We danced down the street together and couldn’t even ensure each other’s actual bodies at all, but the sweaty banter afterwards did it.

8.Online dating. Moved half-way across the country to be with her. I always wanted a nerdy-gamer daughter for a girlfriend and I got my wish.

Totally worth the move.

Cannot underline how fantastic online dating is to introverts, once you get over the ridiculous sum of rejection, and had recognized that patience is your friend, and lastly, learn to be honest and put endeavour into your messages/ profile.

9.OkCupid. After wafting through about 2 years of bullshit, failed dates, ghosting, etc I messaged this daughter. At that phase I was desensitized; why bother putting endeavour into your first message when 95% of daughters don’t reply?

I hit her with some genuinely corny father joke and she did answer and giggled. We got to talking, eventually agreed to meet up for a beer.

We agreed going in that we’d began with only a beer and lay everything out on the table. If either of us wanted to cancel the date we would , no hard feelings. A brew turned into two, was transformed into dinner. That turned into a second date, then a third. The first year was transformed into a second, then a third.

Now we’re engaged and simply booked a wedding venue.

10.That bitch t-boned me. She said she’d let me take her to dinner if we didn’t get the insurance involved. Having typed that out, I now ensure I get fucked that day on so many levels.

11.Worked together. I was supposed to have a party for all people at the job. My heat went out that day so I had to cancel. She didn’t get the message and presented up. Asked her if she wanted to take some shoots of of Jack Daniel’s and get “warm”. Twelve years later still taking shots and getting “warm” on a regular basis!

12.No idea where I got the nerve but she was sitting on a blanket alone watching a group of us doing medieval combat reenactments. Didn’t get a good look at her before I plopped down beside her and said hi. She turned and smiled and I immediately supposed,” Oh hell. She is way out of my league .” Turns out I get her on the rebound nearly 32 years ago. Still out of my league.

13.I was at a birthday party for a friend. He was the friend of my friend’s boyfriend. We hit it off right away.

14.We were both in a psychiatric hospital. We’ve been together almost 13 years. I was there for depression and anxiety, he was there to avoid a homeless shelter. I know it sounds crazy, but it kinda works out for us. We’ve gotten in a much better financial situation.

15.We met at a friend’s Halloween party- I have always been a huge Harry Potter fan, and of course, he was dressed as Harry Potter. The rest is history!

16.We all met up at the home of a mutual friend to go to a festival together. I arrived first and was told to open the door when she knocked. She saw me and said “You’re not mutual friend! ” We drunkenly hooked up at the party subsequently that night and are now merrily married with children.

17.I sat in the parking lot at a gas station. He parked his truck on the corner where you aren’t supposed to park. I screamed at him. We got married.

18.College! We had a few class together and he kept staring at me from afar. I went up to him one day and said hi, he fell the bagel he was feeing and I knew he had it bad for me. That was almost 9 years ago and we’ve been married for nearly 5 years. He’s the best thing to ever happen to me…

19.Reddit, actually! We were both active in a dating sub( a sub about a dating app , not a sub specifically for dating) which objective up creating a fitness challenge( members of the general notion began as, improve yourself so you can be a better partner and find someone !) We were placed in the same fitness group and genuinely hit it off. 3.5 years later, we’re planning our wedding.

20.On the train. He was on his style back from find a client, I was on my way back from working at a trade carnival. Neither of us felt especially like talking but somehow we didn’t stop talking once we started. We exchanged numbers and kept messaging/ talking backward and forward and started dating not quite a month subsequently. That fateful train ride was 4 years ago. We’ve been happy with each other( and uncharacteristically talkative around each other) ever since and got married last year.

21.First day of grad school, she was sitting behind me and I was typing on my iPad. She showed me that if I took two thumbs and slid them apart over the keyboard the keyboard would shift and I could use my thumbs easier to type. We are now happily married and typing on my iPad is much easier.

22.In the work infringe room. He was putting a Totinos party pizza in the microwave( poor college kid) and I was like, “Those don’t go in a microwave.” Married almost 12 years now, I’m still bossy but his cook abilities have improved.

23.I had a coworker who defined me up on a blind date with his sister in statute. It was a bbq at his house. When I got there, I saw this gorgeous female with an ass so fantastic it brought tears to my eyes. And speaking of eyes, hers were magical. So bright and when she smiles, her entire face illuminated up. Unfortunately this was his wife. Her sister was nice but not for me. I thought about the guys spouse almost every day. But I never acted on my feelings. A couple of years later, he got divorced and she called me. She had been thinking about me, too. We dated for 3 months and got married.

18 years later, still going strong. And dat ass … mmm mmmm mmm.

24.She was the first person to get in my taxi the first day I started driving cab. We’re still married 25 years later.

25.We both worked component hour at Macy’s while going to school. Unbeknownst to one another, we both had a rule of not dating anyone that we worked with. I casually knew her since she was a flyer and worked different departments, but I would find her every once in a while working the department that was on the way to the punch in/ out clock. One day, while entering the store for run, she was leaving and she tells me tomorrow is her last day. I asked for her number and we’ve been together ever since. That was back in 1985.

26.She worked at the cookie store in the mall, and I ran at a knife store nearby. I would close my store for hours on end to hang out with her.

27 . She was a personal shopper at Macy’s. My mom, appearing out for her son, told this really cute girl she was helping find a jacket for to” look up my son on facebook.’

Well, she did, and 6 years later( 2016) we got married, and my mommy died 6 weeks after our wedding. She was so proud of what she did. As we sit here expecting our first infant, I wish she was here every day. She would be so proud. I miss her so much.

28.Ok Cupid. First time I tried online dating, and I was the LAST person he tried fulfilling on online dating. I didn’t put a painting up, and “hes taken” a chance anyways. Married with a kid and a home 7 years later

29.We met at work and casually dated for a few weeks before I got really sick. I was hospitalized for a while and it was very traumatic. He insisted on remaining by my side throughout the whole ordeal, and we are merrily married 10 years later.

30.A few weeks after a really rough breakup my friends decided to take me out to cheer me up. I met my current SO at the bar that night and we hit it off. I aimed up taking him home that night supposing perhaps I just needed rebound sex( I had never taken a guy home from the bar prior to this ). He objective up texting me early the next morning and we’ve been inseparable ever since. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

31.I was unemployed and had a job interview in the city( NYC) and was a few mins early for my interview so I stopped by a Starbucks to get a beaker of coffee( I know Starbucks is terrible but I wanted a cold brew) while on line I noticed her but didn’t do anything because I was focused on this interview. Anyways she had an issue with her order and turned around and accidentally bumped spilled her coffee all over me, she apologized and offered to pay for my dry cleaning and we exchanged numbers and talked texting and objective up dating. Aimed up didn’t going to that interview but aimed up get a better task so is not merely did I get the girl I also got a job.

32.I’m a commercial airline pilot and she’s a flight attendant. We fulfilled working together years ago when I was first start now as a co-pilot.

I’m planning on retiring early in a few years, she quit her job about 5 years ago to stay home and take care of our kids.

We own a bed and breakfast out in northern California my spouse runs while I’m away, and I’m looking forward to retirement so I can spend more time with her and the kids and helping her operate the place.

33.I was enjoying a cigarette on the smoking deck( designated smoking area) when a girl “re coming out”, sat down and said, “God dammit, fuck this.” I told her to watch her mouth. She said, “Fuck you motherfucker, I can say whatever the fuck I want to say.” We have been married for 10 years last February.

34.My church choir( college freshmen congregation) had seven women in it. I was the only human. After our first performance in a service, a girl came up and asked me who I was, and complimented me on being brave enough to sing in front of everyone.

A few weeks later she’s leading a mid-week venerate thing, and asks if I could sing something solo. I tell her yes, but I require an accompanist. She says she plays piano. I already thought she was cute, but when she started playing at our run-through, I was so breath-taken I missed my entrance.

It took me a while to ask her out, but four years later, we’re blithely married.

35.We met on Neopets as kids and became best friends. Years afterward we realized we were both into daughters so it worked out perfectly and we’re engaged.

36.Staring at her boob to drive a pervert away.

So we were in stage crew in high school. There was a healthy divide of 40+ girls and 4-5 guys including me. There was a lot of flirting, and well … Just naughty behavior all around. Usually boundaries were well respected and everyone had a good time constructing sets and props.

My friend, the perv in this story, is annoying this daughter and I can see her inconvenience. I walk over and ask what he’s doing and she responds :P TAGEND

” He’s staring at my boob and he’s not allowed to !”

To which I answered,” Am I allowed to ?”

She said yes and I proceeded to enjoy the sight of her massive boobs for a few seconds until I watch him in peripheral walk away pissed off. Afterwards, I apologize for his behavior and go back to work. She started talking to me more and eventually we discovered ourselves in a relationship now going on 7 years this July!

37.The day I gratified my husband in a college acting class. Our first class ice breaker was to walk around, and every time the prof said stop we had to stare into the eyes of the person closest to us.

We did this for 5 rounds. Guess who I had to stare at all five times?

We somehow got partnered up for our final acting scene despite not picking each other. We practiced for a few weeks and got to know each other and started going on dates after that. By the time we finished the class we were all over each other.

38.The scene: a shitty three tale home with a sinking floor supported by a makeshift pillar in the basement. Every surface is sticky.

I’m in the back, taking a break from my friends in the midst of a small party. I love them deep but also really wanted everyone to just sort of disappear for a little while. You know, how you usually feel on a Friday night that feels exactly like the last two dozen Friday nights.

I needed someone to complain to about how much I disliked everyone else at the party at that moment. Assure a cute redhead I vaguely recollected from one class and was drunk enough to launch into a little ranting without much of an introduction. Turns out she need to rant too.

39.First class on my first day in college, I see this beautiful girl waiting outside my class for the professor to unlock the door, and realise I have to be with her.

We started dating after a few weeks, and are married now.

Love at first sight.

40.We met at work! We get hired 6 months apart to design bridges and neither of us had ever designed a bridge before, although we had all the needed qualifications to make our boss believe we were capable of learning this.( In other terms, we were both fresh out of engineering grad school and had a strong background in analysis .)

Our desks were side by side, and we liked each other immediately. Our dynamic was very much” office spouse/ office spouse “. It stayed like that for two years. He was very good at designing bridges, as it turned out, and moved up speedily. I was merely ok at designing bridges, and was not moving up, so I took a chore in a different department( thankfully, I have moved up well here ), and after I left, we realized we missed each other, and started dating.

We live together now, and couldn’t be happier.( He still designs bridges .)

41.College my sophomore year. I was on the men’s lacrosse squad and she was on the women’s lacrosse team. It was the first week of school( I only transferred from another college) and I was sitting with a few people at lunch. She strolled in and I asked my friends who she was and they let me know. I said ” I’m going to end up marrying that daughter .” She had a BF of 5 years( afterward found out that he was a dick) at the time and some guy that plainly liked her said ” good luck trying to get that …” She eventually sat down at the same table as me and we chatted. Apparently one of the other girls on her squad let her know what I said about marrying her later that day. I received a text a few hours later from a random number and it was her. That’s where it all started. We were very good friends for a while and she eventually aimed things with her bf and we started dating a few months later. We have been together for 6 years and we are getting married next year.

42.She sat down next to me on the first day of grad school. We both were into Neil Gaiman and Modern Poetry. I let her borrow the first few trades of The Sandman.

After that we started hanging out more, I demonstrated her around the city( she was from out of township ). Bought her a develop pass with $20 on it, but I was slacken to make a move. If it wasn’t for her roommate saying,” Dude, guys don’t buy develop pass for you if they don’t like you ,” we might not be together.

Been together 7 years.

43.She was my waitress when I was out with some friends. I left my number( first and only time ever) she called and 19 years later we are still together.

44.I was really into Scott Pilgrim vs The World when it came out in theaters when I was in high school. Bought all the graphic fictions, find it 4 times in theaters, bought the soundtracks, and bought the video game when it came out. I was obsessed.

After classes aimed and as I would stroll to the bus, I noticed on occasion this daughter walking down the dorms wearing a Scott Pilgrim shirt. I had to meet this girl!

Well the day came during a field trip to Gettysburg and there she was wearing the shirt. I get so nervous, had to work up the heroism, and she was also with a friend who is best friend’s with my previous girlfriend. Oh boy this was going to be tough.

Ended up not being too bad. I asked her the obvious question if she was a Scott Pilgrim fan and we hit it off from there surprisingly. Even more a coincidence, when we got to the buses, all I wanted to do was talk to her more about Scott Pilgrim and we didn’t because she sat next to her friend but she was a seat behind me, this entire field trip. It was destiny.

Anyways we’re close to 8 years strong together and will watch Scott Pilgrim once a year.

45.We fulfilled online on this is something that cringey anime-themed roleplay website and have been together for 4 years and married now. We try to forget about the site but some times we reminisce and wince together.

46.His mothers bought the house next to my grandparents home when his mommy was pregnant with him and I was two. I assume that I satisfied him when he came home from the hospital? It’s not something I recollect, he’s just always been a part of my life.

There was a period of time where we hadn’t seen each other for over eight years, and one night I was Facebook stalking a second cousin of mine and my old childhood friend’s mommy popped up! Through her I detected him, reached out, and within three months we were dating. Next month we celebrate our third marriage anniversary.

47.We were in the same class for a program for people on welfare.

Soon after the conflicts aimed, I determined a task in the city. I recommended that she apply since we were still hiring, and she got hired too! Not soon after that, I helped her out by letting her know my home had a room open to rent( 1 house 5 bedrooms, I was a tenant ), and she moved in. I wasn’t seeking any kind of relationship with her.

One day I heard her chuckling while watching Youtube and it was the most beautiful and genuine laugh. I thought to myself “fuck”. A couple weeks later we were watching Stranger Things and we started holds hands and cuddling.

We’re getting married next year

48.Technically we shared a hospital room at birth. Both our moms were stuck together. My mom is his aunt’s best friend( 20+ years ). The session we remember came subsequently. About 6 years old. I told him he was ” super duper handsome” and leaned in to kiss him because I’d seen it on a show. He kicked me in the vagina and ran away.

The boy aimed up chasing me for years. We ultimately started dating at 18 and now 10 years and 2 beautiful sons later, we are still going strong!

49.In a hot tub. I was about 14 and her best friend was dating my best friend. I set my limb around her and said ” do you come here often ?” Knowing it was an extremely cheesy pickup line. Now, about 16 years later, I still use that line on her when she’s in the bathroom, in bed, in the kitchen…

50.I was very drunk at a house party in college and was building my way to the bathroom to run throw up when I insured a girl who just lost a drinking game, and had to chug a beaker of a bunch of different alcohols. She was like she actually didn’t want to, and I figured since I was going to go throw up anyway, I might as well do it.

Read more: thoughtcatalog.com

#couple stories #romance

0 notes

depressedgothicartist · 6 years

Text

You Bitch

It’s a crisp October night, a few days from Halloween and Victoria is surrounded by the smells of brewing coffee and oak wood. She stares at the wood floor, standing solemnly in front of her college’s poetry club in the back of a quaint coffee shop on university avenue. She clears her throat, “You guys said the theme for today was fear and this poem is about a personal fear which haunts me. It makes it difficult for me to form relationships, because I fear I subconsciously manipulate others into obsessions with me”. The room tenses, waiting for her to begin, she rarely visits but is well known for her dramatic poems. She looks up, her dark eyes sharpening on the white brick wall in front of her as she states in a stern low voice, “You can hit me, come on, punch me, She passionately yells, “slap me across the face till I fall to the ground!, twist my arm till it breaks, three times, spiral fracture, She pauses, before beginning again in a cold voice, “I don’t care, it’s all be done before, I am no stranger to hatred, you simply can’t make me afraid that way, I’ll just smirk back and join the attack, It’s a game I know how to play, a womb I was raised in” She pauses and begins again timidly, staring at the floor, “…but brush your hand against mine, hold my face gently, whisper in my ear, and I will pull away I’ll shutter, but not in a good way, She sharply yells, “in fear, because my body will scream danger zone!” She pauses again to mumble, “…but then you look at me, with eyes, full of love, and I see”. She gasps for breath as her voice breaks as she yells out, “His eyes staring back at me his lifeless, dead, eyes staring back at me!” She grabs her head in her hands,shaking it profusely as snaps she’s too gone to her fill the air she screams, “No! Go away! I buried you, in the back of my mind but when the tears start to flood you rise to the surface! Her voice raises in hysteria as her eyes blur with tears “God, don’t say you love me! Can’t you see I’m a murderer?! Don’t rest your head against my chest!” She’s bellowing now, at the top of her lungs as the tears stream down her face, “I can’t fucking breath, don’t you see you drive his tombstone further into my heart!” She catches her breath, choking on air, and begins again in a broken voice, “I don’t want your roses, you can keep them, they’re sweet and fleeting like he was red, like the marks I never knew till after covered his skin, don’t smile at me like that, like I mean the world to you, the smile he gave me, only after I found out,” She stares at the ground heartbreakingly, “it was the only time he ever smiled, She sobs, “and please don’t hug me so tight like I’m your savior, like he did,” Her body trembles as she whispers with wide eyes, “ before I left and he found a noose to instead” She glances up from the ground, tears streaming down her face, proclaiming solemnly, “Don’t say you love me, love for me is synonymous with death” There’s a tense moment of silence which hangs heavily in the air. She stares down again at the ground as the crowd breaks into applause before quickly sitting down. Afterwards many people come up to tell her how much they enjoyed her poem. She appreciates it but feels emotionally spent. One elderly gent in the group goes up to her to offer his condolences in a soft voice, “Your poem was so passionate, it is so tragic to me that you have lost someone at such a young age. I have lost many dear friends in my life and know they leave wounds which never fully heal”. She nods her head, looking into his kind elderly eyes, “It’s alright it was long time ago. But, I recognize the fear remains within me”. The older gent tips his head offering a quiet, “It is awful so many of the young generation take their own lives”. Victoria agrees solemnly, awkwardly looking at the floor again, and offers her good byes. She’s emotionally spent and her mind is a mess. She rushes onto the bus home, her mind in turmoil as she stares out the windows at the night streets rushing by. She sees his beaming smile in the back of her head, feels his tight hugs, sees his body hanging limp from the rope. She shutters, staring down at her hand twisting frantically in her lap. She keeps replaying the scene over and over again when his best friend approached her after his funeral and accused, “He loved you”. She’d found it hard to look into his harsh eyes and couldn’t help glancing down. But, she looked up again when she heard his voice drop several degrees as he growled, “You bitch”. She shivered on spot, frozen in place by his glare. Finally, he turned and walked away and she tried to breathe as the guilt made her knees collapse under her, she cried in a heap on the floor. All the memories rushed back, how she left him because she was afraid of their relationship. She pulled away, until they no longer talked. She preferred it that way, tried to forget about him. One day though a mutual friend of theirs mentioned that he started cutting himself and was suicidal. Victoria's heart clenched in her chest but still she did nothing. It wasn’t her responsibility, they weren’t lovers anymore. A part of her also selfishly feared he would not even care about her anymore or possibly hate her. She couldn’t see that, she’d rather live in memories of his love. And, she couldn’t help him because she was part of the problem. He’d become so unhealthily obsessed with her, it scared her. She knew she’d only cause him more pain and so she stayed away. She could never be in a relationship with anyone too destroyed from her childhood, he was better off without her. Her mother always told her she was a demon who manipulated people, luring them with her false charms. That’s why he was better depressed and still his own person than a puppet to her control. He’d get better, he’d have to get better. He was always so happy. Yet, he wasn’t, because one day she logged onto Facebook to read all the posts mourning his death. He was gone, hung himself in his room, with just a note left. He’d mentioned her in the note, how he’d still loved her and missed her. She couldn’t contain herself reading that, she broke down, snotty tears covering her shirt. Her sobs turned into bellows as her whole body shook, her arms wrapped around her knees curled into her chest. These memories rush at her as she stares blankly out the bus window, all alone as always. She never got over his death, even though it was years ago. She saw his smile, his eyes, his laugh and love in every man who tried to court her, reminders of why she was made to be alone.

0 notes

itsallinmeee-blog · 7 years

Text

Baby Mama Blue

I found out I was pregnant in March of 2016. It couldn't have come at a worse time in my life. My child's father and I hated each other. But I guess not enough, eh? Because here we were. Me, 23. Freshly out of college. Dragging my feet to the "what's next" only to instead, find myself here. Pregnant.

My daughter's father knew I was before I stepped out of denial. He was happy; rubbing my stomach, hoping it would be a girl. I knew instantaneously it was one. I also knew that to be half the battle, getting the father excited about things. I knew I'd always be happy when the time came and felt strongly that any child I were to bring into this world needed TWO happily anticipating parents.

Now, I choose only to discuss on this platform the feelings I know I share with a certain minority of new mothers. Not the personal whys or becauses; just the what. I struggled through my pregnancy to conceptualize what I was feeling. I'd read mom blogs, expecting mom forums, meet with a home visitor weekly, go to doctors, see strangers and follow Expecting Mom pages on Facebook, posting all these beautiful, joyous, harp string plucking memes. But it was like the music that only played when I was being addressed, and it def didn't match the music that played when I closed the door and was alone.

I. Was. Mortified.

Look at your prospects for president. I haven't gotten over Trayvon. Chemicals and chemical warfare. Mean girls. Mean boys. Mean PEOPLE. Dog fights in school bathrooms over puppy love taken too seriously. Or just because I don't like your outfits! Predators. Racists. Disease. Accidents! Cars, boats, plains, trains, falling, drowning. Oh, God, what if it is a she?

Men... and what if it is a man? I was not ready and did not feel like I ever could be. No matter what I could do in these 8 months I had left to prepare, it would still be done here on earth.

Afterwards, at around 8 months it hit me that I actually had to go through with this. See, I'm a runner. I might even have an Avoidant personality disorder. It wasn't just a thought that popped into and back out of my head, it was a shock that fingertip-toed and touched every part of my spine at once. I'm going to be someone's mother. All those mental notes I've been taking about the mom I wanted to be and the cause and effects of the actions of the mothers I saw, were ready to be thumbed through and organized into a plan of action.

So far this whole "mommy thing" hadn't exactly appealed to me. And what's crazy is it always had! My whole life! But when it was time I was inside, melting. Crumbling. Cowering in the corner.

After a depressed pregnancy I was induced Halloween night around 7 PM. I labored about 10 hours and on Nov 1st I had a healthy 7 pound 7 ounce girl. I literally felt myself give up and die around 1:30 AM. I looked out the maybe 12th story window onto a city although in reality I was on the first floor in a hick town. That's how I knew I was dying. I told the nurse so she wasn't caught off guard. She chuckled, unmoved and amused and told me I'd be fine. No, you're not listening, girl. I AM DEAD. The doctor never came and I took until 3 AM to dilate a centimeter. Then 6, then 10 in an hour. As soon as I heard "you're in labor" I pushed, even though the nurses begged me not to. The doctor lived an hour away and had only then been reached but damnit I'm a runner, I said. So if I don't run, I damn sure won't stay and stop fighting.

When her head came out I gave up. My whole body coughed and she was out of me and on the bed. Her cry was the saddest thing I ever heard. Like she knew where she finally was. I asked her to stop sweetly and she did immediately (I didn't know crying was encouraged). When they passed her to me she looked like she knew what I knew. Well first, she didn't look like me. Secondly, she looked like her father's sister I hated and most importantly- she looked distraught. Her eyes looked up asked me "what now?" And I did not have an answer. She understood and lowered her head again. I still didn't cry the breakthrough tears of joy everyone described. This felt like the beginning of a pressing interrogation I did not have the answers to.

My daughter is 9 months and two weeks. (And 2 days and 4 hours) The fear has yet to fade but I love her. It's a heavy kind of love I would at any other time run from, but the one time I tried to I found myself laughing, packing a baby bag. I love her so much. It's crazy how God gives you another version of yourself to raise. You walk ahead of yourself trying to correct it in them... instead of you. Is it still too much? Absolutely. But not for all the reasons people try to punch you with when you're an unprepared parent. Love is just a task in itself.

Watching her grow has to be the most fun. I credit myself, quietly knowing I've done nothing to prove being trusted with this. I had a "looking for the mommy only to realize I'm the mommy" moment, too. I think it's because her cry translated to "MAN! WHAT IS THIS BITCH DOING?" to me. She's gutsy, ballsy. Crazy. A few days ago she gave me the tightest hug. I didn't know I needed and almost cried wondering how she did... until I realized she was trying to choke me. I mean, like... she was shake-squeezing and all.

The point I'm making is every moment ain't pretty. And sometimes, there aren't any pretty moments. Or none pretty enough to matter because the darkness is too thick. Sometimes you won't have hope for morning because, either due to your constant crying into folded arms or your cold, city lit star speckled reality, you cannot. And the point is, that's all okay. And you are not alone. Take your time.

0 notes