#There is so much going on in these pictures fml this is too much effort in this heat

[bluecummers]

I come to you today, with calculations of Legato Bluesummers and how much percentage of the entirety of the Trigun Manga he takes up...

If you think I used this old reliable calculator for anything but double checking my physical archiving process, of this vital information, you would be wrong. This is all done on paper traditionally.

I conclude that Legato is on 337 pages (including cover illustrations, inside covers and the occasional add on) out of 3520 pages, meaning he appears in approximately 9.575% of the Manga.

To this I toast with Millions Knives, archiving the sacred texts within my Legato study.

à votre santé 🥂

Yes, I have an entire archive of every single Legato page, in which chapter and volume it appears by name, including every single official illustration of him.

[derangedhyena-delphinidae]

numerous issues with “The Aftermath of Seaworld”

When I get time to do so (aka when I’m done with the documentary), I’m likely going to make a video version of this going into the details. 

But for right now, I’ve made this. Both as a guideline for me and so everyone can begin to get an idea of the severity of issues involved.

Researching things is time-consuming and can be very difficult - believe me, I know. But I’m of the mind that if you’re making content with the intent of educating people, you have a responsibility to perform a certain level of due diligence. It IS okay to express uncertainty or doubt if you have it. It is NOT okay to confidently assert things that you do not know with certainty.

The video has an anticap slant, and I’m obviously not disagreeing on that front. But again: if you’re gonna go through the trouble of teaching people something. Bare minimum... please make sure it’s actually correct. *** 1) x ‘founded in 1964 and based out of Florida’ -  ???? Seaworld definitively began on the west coast, in San Diego, CA. And given that the first park opened in early 1964… things came together before that. Uh? 2) x ‘four people founded Seaworld [...]’ For one… it wasn’t originally conceived as a restaurant, it was originally conceived as an underwater bar/lounge. Two… calling the four guys involved in founding the place “frat brothers” is fucking ridiculous and completely overlooks a) how each was actually involved and b) the overall significance of their contributions to the field as individuals. Hint: like it or not, they were important and did a lot! 

3) x If one is going to bring up SWBGCF/rescues while talking about the literal founding of SW, it gives the impression that it’s been around for that duration. It hasn’t.  It’s actually a bit unclear when SW started an organized rescue program, but the Fund itself and all that it did came about much later. The rescue information and how it’s presented is actually INCREDIBLY complex, nuanced, and has a fascinating history (from a “bad company behaving badly” perspective). Oversimplifying this, to this degree and in this misinformative way, does the facts of the situation an INCREDIBLE disservice.  

4) x [assertive statement about what the name Shamu means]  ….Uh actually there’s several explanations for the name Shamu, and the most likely one IMO seems to be the “she-namu” one, not the “friend of Namu” one(? What is this even based on.) 4b) It’s not quite clear if she’s saying “Namu was the first ever orca to be displayed and perform shows” or or Namu was the first to be displayed and, like Shamu, performed shows. Either way, Moby Doll was the first to truly be displayed to the public, not Namu.

5) x ‘Namu died after one year in captivity and you’d think that this might deter Seaworld from doing the same thing again…’ Seaworld truly had nothing to do with Namu. And they leased/took possession of Shamu before Namu died. ‘Again’? What?

6) x “Now, PETA paints a pretty disturbing picture…” [while showing Okura’s artwork] This video segment is, and this is putting it nicely, a pile of poorly-researched BULLSHIT.  -Yes, PETA talks about Shamu’s capture, re: the harpooning of her mother. This Youtuber cannot apparently be arsed to look more than 1 Google search into this, as she proceeds to dismiss the information as potentially fabricated. There are two detailed accounts of Shamu’s capture that I’m aware of - in books - and though they have some slight conflicts, it’s absolutely NOT in doubt that the female who was very likely Shamu’s mother was 1) harpooned, 2) died from her injuries and 3) this had been done to make her easier to catch/locate because there was a fucking buoy attached to the harpoon. Which she dragged around for at least 24 hours prior dying.  So maybe don’t dismiss that as PETA hysteria, maybe TRY to determine the truth of the matter, which would inform one that it is both true and completely horrifying.  -In addition, Okura is an awesome individual who has worked very hard to create a variety of informative artwork for our cause. Okura is NOT associated with PETA and it’s borderline libel in my eyes to use their artwork in this dismissive manner when the primary sources of it can be easily identified online, with full explanations and everything. Do I take special offense to this because of the misuse of artwork? Absolutely. Artists get disrespected enough online. I’m tired of it. This kind of laziness IS NOT acceptable.

7) x ‘timeline is fuzzy about when Shamu died’ …………… it’s…. It’s really not … newspapers are pretty clear about it…..

8) x [complete and utter oversimplification of the lifespan issue, which is not acceptable for anything published in 2020. It just isn’t. If you’re going to bring it up like this, either do the legwork and get into the weeds or stay out.] 8b) [same for reproductive ages. sigh]

9) x if we’re going to talk about when Cornell was involved with Seaworld it’s very important to specify when Cornell was involved with Seaworld and not make it seem like it’s present tense.

10) x “both were rescued by Seaworld” - uh? no. Zero orcas have been rescued by Seaworld. Literally none. The infected-jaw orca was Sandy, whose story is complex and certainly does not involve Seaworld until much later. And many of the orcas in that time period had bullet wounds, often only identified post-mortem because they didn’t seem to hurt the animals much. Also, unflinchingly blending 70s captivity ethics with modern ones is also complete nonsense? 

11) x [tilikum coming from sealand] inhales I am going to make an entire video centered on this fucking subject because it’s one of the single most profound arguments for Seaworld being garbage as assessed by US government agencies in the 90s yet everyone utterly fails to mention this. Why?!

12) x what on earth is this nonsense re: quoting a quote from Zimmerman’s article - which has already been removed from its original context, so the original context is not available - and then penalizing the quote for existing as if Zimmerman’s article were the context? That is offensively disingenuous. I honestly don’t know what the original context is, either - but it’s wildly inappropriate to act as if the Zimmerman article is.

13) x this is relatively minor but ‘Paul Sprong’? You literally have his name on the screen. And then mis-reading his age too? While asserting it from a static article published years ago? Effort? Where is it?

14) x ‘another trainer, Peter’ ….. Ken Peters…. 

15) [weirdly glossing over the widely-available list of orca-trainer injuries/aggressions, despite it being central to the point.] 16) x This pilot whale outrage certainly happened but it was pretty clearly Blackfish that started the cascade of woes for Seaworld. Who has ever asserted this?

17) if you’re gonna just rehash blackfish, tell people to go watch blackfish.

18) x I’ve already gone over the context issue with Seaworld calling out Howard’s statement in Blackfish here (point 23). Which is to say, IN CONTEXT in Blackfish it’s clear what Mr. Garrett is talking about but, divorced from that, it sounds incorrect. But this Youtuber AMPLIFIES the issue by doubling down on the assertion with “no record of a killer whale doing any harm to anyone in the wild.” The surfer event should always be mentioned. Yes, there’s absolutely room for doubt. But there’s also a clear demarcation between an accidental attack (eg mistaken identity, as was likely for the surfer) and intentional one (eg the incidents at marine parks.) Why do people kneecap themselves on this point 18b) please stop acting like Luna represents orcas in general.

19) x “Howard, for all of his research…” … while referring to David Duffus’ b-roll and statements. Uh. 20) x Apparently this Youtuber has single-handedly resolved the dorsal fin issue. You know, the thing that hasn’t been properly researched ever, that has been subject to a ton of debate, that isn’t 100% settled for a variety of reasons, and almost everyone talks about in terms of theories and likely possibilities.  21) x Alexis Martinez wasn’t “torn to shreds.” In a space where even moderate exaggerations are often penalized harshly by the opposition, this kind of blatant nonsense is not welcome. Plus, the reality’s bad enough… you don’t have to make anything up!

22) x *sighs. points at own webpage*

23) Talking about the shows stopping without acknowledging how that’s a bit of a farce is something else. In addition to apparently just flipping to buying what Seaworld’s selling re: its ‘improved image.’ 

*** Tl;dr video is so unrelentingly full of errors ranging from small to egregious it makes me seriously concerned for the veracity of the rest of this person’s content. The maker of the video provided a list of their sources in their video description, which I will have time to look through in detail later. The above is solely a response to the information they present IN THE VIDEO - which, is very important because let’s be real: a lot of people are not going to look at the list of sources. People don’t even do it when citing papers (no really, you’d be surprised, fml.) For anyone who wants to whinge that I haven’t linked or asserted any sources of my own for my claims… well, remember what I said about time-consuming and ‘I’m busy’? Yhea. Getting all of that together will be part of making a video. So if you want to shrug loudly at my list here… you can, that’s your prerogative, I’m happy to say I DGAF if that’s your takeaway. 

What I hope, is that if there’s anything I’ve made clear over the While of running this blog, it’s that I don’t fuck around when it comes to sources and information and do my best to provide what information exists, all of it, not just cherrypicked bits and bobs. Anyways. Here’s step 0 at least. Please don’t share that video. Pretty please.

[curseofaphrodite]

asTORIA MY BELOVED THE LOVE OF MY LIFE<333 HELLO

our wedding>>>>>>god's wedding ;)

bitch wHAT y'all don't have hindi//sanskrit as a subject???? lucky you😭😭 i had to study hindi compulsory till 8th grade- (hate that subject i swear hate the teacher too ig)

ISTG I BARELY STUDIED FOR MY TESTS BUT IK I STILL DID DECENTLY WELL when you're intelligent and have photogenic memory but give zero efforts for studying>>>

oh oh oh iNEJ GHAFA INEJ GHAFA INEJ GHAFA ‼️ she's mommy i swear sorry i simp for inej nina and kaz- (my biggest flex is that i simped for kaz kaz first not freddy kaz guess that's what happens when you read the books and not watch the tv series 😼🤌)

you have wattpad right?? have you read war of hearts?? it's a kaz brekker story istg it was favourite and i'm pretty sure i read like 4-5 times when i was in my kaz phase- oh well but stasiaj (i hope i spelt her name correctly but in case she's the female protagonist) what a girlboss leave that hot mob and date me pls one of few female ocs who didn't just let go of powerful nature for a goddamn m*n-

but since we're on topic of kaz lemme share my favourite freddy carter picture bc he was my fav white boy of month in february<3

LOOK AT HIM HE LOOKS SO ADORABLE MY HEART SO PRECIOUS 💗💗 istg this isn't the bastard of barrel he's the baby of barrel 🥰✨❤️

(oh that one sence where he threatens a child omg so hot bruise my esophagus for all i care)

honestly hate men i'm so sorry that guy was truly a dumb bitch for rejecting a gem like you

i hugged nyasa for you heheheh

yES YES YES I WEAR RINGS!!! I WEAR 3 RINGS EVERY SINGLE DAY AND IF THERE'S SOME FUNCTION THEN I WOULD ADD MORE RINGS FROM MY RING COLLECTION 😩🙏💍

yk about our farewell (yes i'll sing about it for days cry about it🥰) (#sokind😸🙏) sOO guess who isn't coming

*dramatic pause*

*drum rolls*

✨tina✨

YES SHE ISN'T COMING TO THE FAREWELL NYASA TOLD ME AND I ASKED HER THAT "YOU'RE COMING TO THE FAREWELL NAA🤨" FOR SELF SATISFACTION 😩☝️‼️

honestly ily you literally write a whole ass novel answer to my whole ass novel ask<3

people who write novel long shits together stay together. periodt

well today we did shirt signing and one of my friends drew a mf dick on it😭😭 ffs i was ✨scared✨ that my mum would see it and yell at me but but but my mum ignoring the dick and commenting on every sweet messages and hearts>>>> material girl momma💅

how was your day tho i realised i stopped asking that lmao 😭 take care muah muah

i love you my sweets! ← look how pretty this looks🥲💗

-🔮

p.s. rewarding you with another poem of mine at night bc why not

doing the cut again gahaha

no no i had hindi up until 8th too! i just did very bad but our hindi sir was very lenient. he hardly even checked what he was correcting lol he marked us all as genuises and just gave us A everytime.

PLS youre smart asf and im not surprised. proud of you mwah.

stasiaj sounds like A QUEEN. not me running to wattpad and checking the book. the synopsis sounds so cool; the author is TALENTED ASF.

speaking of talented people, yes freddy mfing carter. he's adorable off screen and the perfect kaz brekker on screen. adorable and kaz in one sentence lol the day is cursed.

PLS PEOPLE WHO WEAR RINGS ARE AUTOMATICALLY THE BEST LIKE I DONT MAKE THE RULES !!!

TINA ISNT COMING YAASSS SUE THAT BISH IM GLAD. at least you'll have a drama free farewell. gimme tea on it tho 💋

shirt signing hakjsha I love your friend and your mom like she sounds nice.

MY DAY WAS OKAY I just woke up and I'm yet to catch up on all the asks so I'm queuing some so I think this would be posted some time in the afternoon?? idk how queues work. i hate math exam next HAHA fml thanks.

THAT DOES LOOK PRETTY MWAHA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AKSKHKJA

also,

where

is

the

poem 🔪🔪🔪

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

2018: Moved into the B Flat

2019: Got a boyfriend

2020: Got a car

2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17/18/19/20?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

2018: The music videos I did

2019: Deciding whether to date my now boyfriend

2020: The entire pandemic

3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

2018: My film jobs and internships

2019: Starting a relationship

2020: I guess the pandemic

4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

2018: Same

2019: Same

2020: Wore a mask

5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

2018: My great aunt died

2019: No close ones, but my grandma’s dementia is getting so bad she doesn’t remember who I am

2020: No

6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17/18/19/20.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

2018: Almost an adult

2019: Another year older

2020: Covid, long, stagnant

7. What did you do in 2015/16/17/18/19/20 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

2018: Moved in with male roommates, did an internship

2019: Got a boyfriend

2020: Bought a car

8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous: Maybe? Overthink and strategize less: HA not really. Get a film job: Yes. Eat more vegetables: Maybe a little but still not enough. Go to the gym, like, ever: Yes. Read more: Kinda. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet.

2019: Get a boyfriend: Finally did! Be more spontaneous and adventurous: Kinda? Sometimes? Lose weight and eat better: Nope. Read more books: Nope. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet. Learn how to work hard: Not really. Spend more time with my friends: Kinda. Love myself, and be someone I love: Not really. Carpe diem: Sometimes. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal: Yes. Earn more money than I spend: Nope. Travel: Yes. Discover new music: Yes. Try new creative things: Yes. Believe in myself: Not really. Learn to be a leader: Nope. Watch more movies: Some. Think about other people: Tried to. Learn how to make mistakes: Kinda.

2020: Get a new job: No. Lose weight and fit into my dresses again: Noope, the opposite. Read more books: A couple. Spend more time with friends: Haha, nope, although I did zoom with them some. Go on dates: Not really. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal: Yes. Try new creative things: Yes, I tried dice making. Take risks even if they cost money: Yes, again the dice making. Make more money than I spend: Actually yes with the stimulus. Make jewelry: Some, and opened and etsy page. Get back to people in a timely manner: So-so. Be more punctual: Nope. Finish my harry potter spellbook and keep up with my character book: Nope. Learn new things: Not enough. Be the kind of person I wish I could be: No. Be more open to ideas: No. Post more pictures online: No. Don’t be such a control freak: Not even a little bit. Worry less about what people think: Kinda. Laugh more: No.

2021 resolutions: Get an interesting job. Get my own apartment. Get a covid vaccine. Lose weight. Keep doing my sticky notes and moment calendar. Be less hard on myself. Survive. 

9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17/18/19/20?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

2018: Went to Las Vegas for a film shoot

2019: Went to Israel

2020: Went to Harry Potter World in Orlando with my boyfriend

10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18/19/20/21 that you lacked in 2015/16/17/18/19/20?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

2018: Still a boyfriend lmao

2019: An interesting job (finally got the boyfriend!)

2020: A job, an apartment, and a vaccine

11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

2018: It’s always good to try to better yourself and it gives you motivation to do it

2019: It’s a good idea for goals

2020: It’s good to make goals and remind yourself what to work on

12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17/18/19/20 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

2018: Boys I like having girlfriends

2019: Macy’s

2020: Covid

13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17/18/19/20 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

2018: Not really, but maybe my youth went too fast

2019: It went by too fast for how much I accomplished

2020: It went by way too slow

14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17/18/19/20? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

2018: A bunch of musicals

2019: My musicals playlist on spotify has Rent, Dear Evan Hansen, Legally Blonde, Galavant, Hamilton, A Star Is Born, Frozen 2

2020: Fell more in love with taylor Swift, and Come From Away

15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17/18/19/20.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

2018: I worked on two film shoots and I got promoted at work

2019: I stayed in touch with friends I made on a film shoot, and I got a boyfriend

2020: Bought a car and was the costume designer for a TV pilot

16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

2019: Rocketman

2020: None of them were really memorable

17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18/19/20/21 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

2018: Find myself

2019: Find a new job

2020: Survive, please

18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18/19/2021, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

2018: Maybe that Israel birthright thing

2019: Maybe Ireland or Amsterdam

2020: Wherever has the least amount of covid. Of course that probably means they wouldn’t let me in

19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17/18/19/20?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

2018: Forgetting or never quite learning how to work hard. That and not asking a cute guy out in time

2019: Not buying that moonstone necklace

2020: Gaining weight

20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18/19/20/21 than 2015/16/17/18/19/20?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

2018: I hope so and I think so

2019: I sure hope so

2020: I fucking hope so

21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

2018: I made some new ones, and kinda stopped being friends with some of my old roommates

2019: I think I got closer to some friends

2020: I met a few online playing among us, and I probably lost my roommates

22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

2018: The film shoots

2019: Dating my boyfriend

2020: Harry Potter World

23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

2018: I got chocolate mousse and presents and I didn’t even know what I wanted

2019: I got cake and presents including one thing I wanted

2020: I got bundt cake and a few things from my wish list

24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2015: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

2018: I maybe lost some of my hope in my love life and felt more set in my ways

2019: I don’t have as much FOMO but I’m also getting more frustrated with my life

2020: Gained weight, got more anxiety

CONFESSIONS

Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017) and I’m running out of formats so CAPS (2018) and *star (2019) and ~tilde (2020)

In the year 2015/2016/2017/2018/2019/2020 I confess that I….

KISSED SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE. ~*DID SOMETHING I REGRET. *Painted a picture. *Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. RAN A MILE. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. ~*GAINED A NEW FRIEND. Gained a new best friend. *Visited a foreign country. ~*LIED. ~*HAD A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS. *HAD A SECRET/KEPT A SECRET. Realized my homosexuality. ~REALIZED MY BISEXUALITY. (OR AT LEAST QUESTIONED IT) Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. ~*Broke a promise. *Slept under the stars. ~*STAYED UP TILL SUNRISE. ~*PUSHED SOMEONE AWAY. ~*Got in a fight. SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. ~*ATTENDED A PARTY. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. *ATTENDED A CONCERT. *ATTENDED A MUSICAL. ~*TRAVELED TO ANOTHER CITY. *Broke someone’s heart. *Hiding something from someone. ~*MADE SOMEONE’S DAY. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. ~*Emotionally cheated on my significant other. ~Quit a job. GOT A NEW JOB. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. ~SAW THE METEOR SHOWER.

[caincarterx]

charming.event05

Involving: Cain Carter, Leyla Oden, Loraine Carter(mamma), Gianna Carter Mentions: Mel Monroe & Martain’s death Summary: Mostly pre plot drop with mentions of post plot drop Tags: @leylaxoden @giannacarterx Notes: just an ooc note that we did use italics and bold etc. when it was needed but they haven’t transferred over now i’ve pasted it onto here so fml :) 

Loraine: Two hours in and finally she spotted her son was distracted enough not to notice if she made a b-line towards the woman he’d walked in with. She only assumed it was Leyla, the mystery girl who she’d been wanting to meet for some weeks now. She’d admit she’d never cared to know who Cain spent his time with before, but that’s because he’d never spoke about anyone before and not with the expression he had when he spoke about her. A mother knows. Interest peeked, curiosity so close to being satisfied, she weaves through the crowd and gestures to the seat next to her. “Would you mind, sweetheart? I’m getting too old to stand up in heels.” As a polite gesture, she hands out a champagne flute she collected on the way. “You look absolutely stunning. I noticed earlier, your date couldn’t keep his eyes off you.” She’s purposely not letting on that she’s his mother, not yet. “Handsome one, isn’t he?” If she did say so herself. “Boyfriend?” She asks. It’s a seemingly innocent question, but there’s a hint of a devilish smirk on her lips that’s undeniable.

Leyla:  Once her attention’s being pulled towards another— someone she doesn’t necessarily recognise, it’s in that moment she takes a quick glance in the direction she knew Cain was in, seeing that he wasn’t alone she finds herself being taken over by politeness. “Yeah, of course,” she nods with a smile, accepting her offer that came in the form of champagne. Taking the seat beside her, it’s in the few seconds that past she wondered whether the woman just wanted company and whilst she didn’t mind, the mention of her date soon allowed her to grow suspicious. “You did?” She turns her head, now making the effort to actually take a good look at her, brow raising and in the brief moment time allowed, her features showed that she was making an attempt to suss the other out. “He’s—“ she’s being stopped by the boyfriend mention, a brief knit together of her brows as she settles back to a smile, “Something like that. Do you know him?” It sure sounded like she did and if by chance she didn’t? Her next guess was a busybody.

Loraine: There’s a quirk in her brow when she notes the pause, deciding herself that it was obvious they hadn’t stepped over that conversation yet. She smiles, quite pleased with her answer. Whilst it wasn’t a yes, it wasn’t a no either so she’d settle happily with that. “I do. So well infact that I don’t need to look around to know that he’s one of two places, the bar or the buffet.” There’s a little chortle of laughter as she pauses to sip her drink. “He’s a good man, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” It’s not a question, but she is hoping for an agreement without any hesitation. After all, anyone who wanted to be with her son, she expected to see his value. It didn’t matter how old he got, he was still her baby. He’d been through too much and came too far with himself to be burned by any woman. ( naturally, she is still bitter about his ex, especially because she never really liked her in the first place - she was someone she learned to tolerate ) “Hope you don’t mind me asking, what accent is that?”

Leyla:  “Sounds about right,” she smirked, the only reason she’d say she got him here was on the promise of free food. Inwardly chuckling she finally relaxes into the chair she was sitting in, finally taking a sip of her drink. Whilst she didn’t really get an answer on how the woman knew Cain, she wasn’t blind to the sense of her knowing him well. “I don’t think he’d agree,” she did, however and there’s a soft smile from her, “But I have,” noticed, that was. She thought that one day— if she got that, she’d make him realise what she and apparently other people thought to, sure she could tell him that now but she knew he’d only dismiss it. “Oh no,” she didn’t mind, “It’s Turkish,” sometimes entwined with a little Dutch, she was after all, a Dutch citizen, her roots were strongly and first and foremost from Turkey, however. “I moved here from the Netherlands actually, I think four years ago now, to finish my degree,” she offers a smile. “and Charming’s apparently become home.” She softly chuckles, taking a long sip of her drink.

Loraine: “You know him quite well then.” She commented back in reference to Leyla saying he wouldn’t agree. Maybe it wasn’t obvious, but there was a brief sadness that clouded her eyes, a dispare that came from knowing how Cain viewed himself. Especially in comparison to how he used to be. “He’s been through a lot.” She hums, stopping herself there. Now was not the time to go protective mother, not when her instincts about Leyla were actually quite good. She seemed to have her head screwed on and she’d already seen subtle little changes in Cains behaviour that made much more sense now she knew there was a girl involved. “Ah,” now she said it, she could place the accent. “Charming has a way of sucking people in. The name is quite fitting.” Loraine steals a glance around, making sure her son was still over by the buffet. A little more time to talk with Leyla alone wouldn’t be a bad thing. “Degree?” She asks, though she does already know the answer. “Brains and beauty. A rare thing.” She smirks, tipping her head down to take of her mask for a little while. Her emerald green eyes now more obvious to the brunette. She wonders for a moment if the penny will drop before she actually tells her who she is, but the mischievous side of her hopes not.

Leyla:  Whilst she agrees she doesn’t say too much else, more because she’s the type to not disclose too much to people she doesn’t generally know. It’s something that came along with her profession— a force of habit, if you like. She offers a soft smile in agreement, “He has.” the sleepless nights Cain had? The surface of his back covered in scars? He had been through more than she’d wish on anyone and even then, she didn’t necessarily know the full extent of everything that played on his mind. In moments like this and a handful of others, she found herself really realising the care she actually held for him and it was more kick, the fact that up until last week she wasn’t aware just how underneath her skin he was. “It really is.” She chuckles, it wasn’t perhaps the town itself that had Leyla staying on once she professionally could call herself a doctor, it was the people and the her patients she saw routinely. She nods, “As of last year I officially work at the hospital, no longer on coffee duty either.” She’s joking, but it’s an achievement she’s proud of but also very modest about. “I have my parents to thank for that,” she smiles, they were both intelligent and beautiful. As the woman’s removing her mask she finds herself glancing at her for longer than she thought, it was the eyes that held her there, the familiarity was something that made her smile. She doesn’t say anything, at least not yet anyway, but her suspicions are pretty much confirmed in the moment.  

Loraine: It went unsaid, but she appreciated the way Leyla acknowledged her words with a kindness in her eyes. More than could ever be said for his ex, she always swore if she ever sees her again she’d ring her neck. Never let it be said that a woman of her age couldn’t bite back, but maybe that was just something she learned to do with a husband who was in the MC. “Most of the people here ain’t too bad, either. You seem to have done well for yourself.” She wasn’t just meaning Cain ( biasly ) but in general, landing on her feet with a good job. A decent job. “Good for you, there’s not enough people willing to give these days.” Whilst she wouldn’t say Leyla quite had her approval, she had very little doubt that she wouldn’t get it. But one little chat was certainly not enough for her to hold her hopes up. She was a protective mother before she was anything else. “Same field?” Her parents, that was. There’s no time to grill her on anything else as she feels a hand on her shoulder and turns to see a pair of green eyes. The look on Cains face was the picture of someone who was actively trying to look calm when in reality, there’s a little mild panic and even nervousness there. “Hello,” She’s smirking, standing to her feet to greet him with a soft hug, which he reciprocates with a glance towards Leyla as he does. “Mother…” It was a knowing tone, one that told her he could figure out for himself what she was upto. “You look beautiful.” He smiles, gives her a kiss on the cheek and steps back with a little rub at the back of his head. Loraine turns her attention back towards later, amusement written all over her face now her son had confirmed her identity. “I was just having a nice chat with your….” She pauses and it’s on purpose, just to make him sweat a little more. “Date.” Gesturing for them both to sit back down, Cains eyes flip suspiciously between the two of them.[09:30]“Uh-huh. Unsupervised. That’s– that’s…” He’s struggling for words, seeing them together had absolutely caught him off guard but finally, he snaps back into focus. “Well to be honest that was really sly, did you wait till I was distracted?” There’s a hint or a smile on his face. “Of course I did. I couldn’t have you interfering.” While she made her judgement, that was. “And you seemed happy enough over there pouching your little cheeks.” She teases, lifting her hand up to pinch one which makes him move to swat her hand away before she can. Loraine laughs first and finally, he breaks into an eye roll and a smile. “She didn’t interrogate you too much?” Cain asks Leyla, earning a scoff from his mom. “Make me sound like a fuckin witch why don’t you. I did no such thing.” She denies it, tips up her head and brings her glass to her lips. “Is that true?” Raising a brow, he directs the question to Leyla, who’s still seated and visibly calm so hey, it couldn’t have been that bad, he thought. “I like her.” Loraine admits, turning her head to offer Leyla a genuine smile. “It’s about time you found someone who’ll whoop your ass when you’re being a little shit.” As far as compliments go, it was one of the highest coming from her and it made Cain smile from ear to ear. He hadn’t doubted she would like her but hearing it was almost like a relief. It meant a lot to him and honestly, it probably showed on his features. “Well I plan on keeping her, so… That’s good.” He wheezes out a laugh and shakes his head, eyes casting back over to Leyla. “You eat yet? I can go get you something. There’s no pizza though, which I believe was promised. What else you lie about, huh?” He jokes, smirking just to make it obvious that he was infact, referring to how she said she wasn’t wearing anything underneath her dress.

Leyla:  It’s when she’s looking at the other that she can really notice the care she held for Cain in her eyes, it’s that as well as the similarity in expressions that makes her wonder if she wasn’t just a relation to him, but in fact his mother. If so, despite how charming she was coming across, Leyla felt that she was a hard woman to cross and it was a quality she admired. Not that she expected anything different, especially if Cain was anything to go by. He had to get it from somewhere, right? “Yes I— uh, can be very determined.” She inwardly chuckles, once she had her mind set on something, she did it and she felt lucky she had that trait. Being an orphan at twelve left room for a number of bad life choices and whilst she was finding her feet in life, she stuck to her guns and it paid off. “They were, actually.” She followed in their footsteps more to feel closer to that void she had grown up with.[14:18]At this point, not only is she not surprised to see Cain, more because it allowed her to completely connect the dots she had already started to slot together, there’s a hint of calming relief, a small smirk as her hues meet his, watching the interaction between the two she can’t help but think how soft it is. She can feel that she’s under scrutiny— even more so than before when Cain was elsewhere, she doesn’t mind, in actual fact she finds it funny. The look from Cain and him stumbling over his words was enough to get her to break out into a grin, was that nerves she was picking up on? She’s chuckling to herself, drinking a bit more, feeling herself needing it and once she’s finished she places her empty glass down on the table. She shakes her head, visibly amused as her attentions pulls from Cain to his mom when she scoffed, “Honestly she was just singing your praises.” Leyla figured if he had turned up ten minutes later, then maybe she would have been interrogated, not that she felt like she minded if it had happened— or even told him as such. Hearing that she was liked promoted a return smile that was shortly followed by a laugh. Looking at him it’s almost as if her smile is radiating, there’s a glow to her eyes that was strictly directed for him. Her brow quirks at his mention of no pizza, a smirk tugging on her expressions knowing exactly what he was hinting at, “I have and.. nothing.. had to get you here somehow.”[14:19]Gianna: Busily picking apart the last of the muffins she had grabbed her hands on, she’s popping the little chocolate chunks into her mouth as she’s making her way over towards where she knew her mom was and where she knew Cain had recently dropped everything to hurry over towards. As soon as she reaches the table her eyes are locking onto the woman her brother had walked into the hall with, a mischievous glint to her eyes obvious as she opts to take the free seat next to Leyla, “Hey.” Her smiles forced as it was from ear to ear as she looks from Cain to her mom, and then back to Leyla, seeing the small furrow to her brows as if wondering who this was now. “Mom, now you’ve met the girlfriend,” she’s looking at her brother, as direct as ever, with a smirk as if to say ha, I knew this was happening, “We can leave soon, right?” It’s something she’s been waiting for the moment her and her mom left the house. “But, Leyla,” she looks at the other, “Tell me,” it’s lucky she’s not sitting next to her mom, more because her ribs couldn’t take anymore swift nudges tonight in attempt to shut her up, “what do you see in my brother? I mean, you’re really punching, Cain.”

Loraine: “Always.” She smirked in response to Leyla almost defending her. Well, it wasn’t untrue, she would always speak highly of her son, but the fact he was here and clearly out of sync with nerves? She’d never seen that side of him in a long while, too long, so naturally, she found it highly amusing. “Uh-huh, sure.” Cain was suspicious, but lightly so. He took the fact his mother was still sitting here with a smile as a good sign because he knew that if she didn’t approve, her face would either be sour or she’d be on her feet and leaving already. “Oh? Well then if you’re keeping her, I think you should invite her to dinner next weekend.” Turning to look at Leyla. “If you’re free?” Naturally, someone with a job like hers might not be. “You’re not a vegan are you?” There’s a visible please no on her features as she asks, only for her focus to be pulled around by Cain’s laughter. “… Ah, right. Stupid question huh? You’d never date a vegan.” She once again smirks, even more so when his face goes from laughter back to narrowed eyes and even a small visible blush. The word dating naturally sparking those nerves back up. “Ah shit,” he grumbles, spotting his sister swanning over and sitting down. At this point, he sits back, pinches his nose and then offers Leyla a little hand gesture like he was both apologising and saying to her just gotta roll with it. “Leave? But I’m having such a good time.” Loraine mirrored her daughters mischief. Cain? He was shooting daggers at his sister, like the fuck? you knew she was planning this? little bitch. “And actually, I think we might be makin’ these kids a little uncomfortable with the term girlfriend.” She pauses, to move her voice into a mocking whisper… “They haven’t had that conversation yet.” She’s holding back a laugh. Cain only sucks in a slow breath and closes his eyes. “No, mom, we haven’t. So thanks, thanks very fuckin’ much.” He’s not actually mad, but he does avoid Leyla’s eyes purely because he feels kind of embarrassed. They said no pressure and this? He was mildly worried sounded like moving too fast. Though given the amount of times the G word was mentioned tonight, he was sure it had to come up in conversation when they were alone. Luckily they were both mature enough to talk it out and see if they were there yet or not. “Hey,” Loraine leans forward, clipping him over the back of the head. “Don’t swear in front of your mother, you little shit.” There’s a chortle of laughter because she knows, she’s probably embarrassing him, but what were mothers for, huh? Her eyes quickly shoot to Gianna when she puts the question to Leyla, brow lifting and eyes narrowing slightly. It was a typical sister comment, but the mamma in her wanted to butt in and say no, he wasn’t. Not because Leyla wasn’t stunning, smart and clued in, but because her son, her baby, deserved a woman like her. Cain scrunches up his face, lifting a hand and giving her his middle finger. “I’m lettin’ you know, you’re not as funny as you think you are, kid.” He says before he sits up properly. “But I do agree.” He gives a shrug, as if the confession wasn’t anything big. But really, it was, because it showed them all - she was under his skin, that he actually did see how lucky he was just to have someone like her want to be around him. He looks back over to Leyla, a stare that’s much like the one he gave her when she first walked out her bathroom. Soft, admiring, paired with a gentle smile. It lingers for a few moments before he raises a brow and looks between G and his mother. “So, are you two done now? Are we good? Because if I get any hotter in this suit I’m gonna burst into flames.” Meaning, fucking quit it making him nervous and sweaty.

Leyla: It wasn’t necessarily pressure she felt at the continuous mention of her and Cain dating, it was more the obvious assumption that they were more than she even thought they were. Though that was purely down to that conversation never really happening, which, apparently up until now, it wasn’t something she even thought needed to be discussed. She was happy as she was and despite her not wanting to jump head first and hold regrets, there’s a part of her that can see herself by his side as someone who’s not just a date. “I am—-“ free, that was, her smiles widens to a grin at his mom’s vegan mention and that look on her face that was more or less begging for the answer to be no, caused her to laugh, shaking her head as if to say she wasn’t. “You’d never date a vegan?” she chuckled. “Remind me not to convert…” Her brow quirks as she winks in Cain’s direction, showing him that she was joking, teasing him almost. Seeing him nervous or seeing him blush wasn’t something she had see before and naturally, she found it cute all whilst she found it amusing.[15:52]Her head soon turns into the direction of the woman that had sat in the seat next to her, her side profile holding that same mischievous look as Lorraine makes her realise that she’s obviously family— his sister. She’s smiling as she takes a look in the direction Gianna had just come from, almost looking to see if a small herd was suddenly going to join the table they were all sitting at. That girlfriend mention had her looking at Cain, it’s a thought that wonders if he had told his mom more than he was letting on, or whether she just knew something they both clearly didn’t. “Ohhh,” Gianna emphasises with both her brows raised as she looked from her brother to Leyla, did she just put her foot in it or? By the looks on Cain’s face she did and just like her mom was doing, she too was holding in her laugh, finding that obvious humiliation he was in highly satisfying.[15:52]As he gets batted around the head for swearing, Gianna holds more of a butter wouldn’t melt expression as she pouts at Cain, as if to show some form of sympathy that was clearly put on. Whilst she does Leyla’s chuckling at the encounter, seemingly just as relaxed as she was before, not fazed by what was making Cain sweat. Sure, if she hadn’t already drank as much as she had done, she might of been—- especially with the question that’s thrown her way, what did she see in him, she’s looking from Gianna to Cain this time, more at the word punching, it’s not familiar to her, or more, it’s not familiar in the way it’s being used and the brief confusion on her features was an obvious one. With that paired with the way Cain was looking at her, she finally felt herself feel warm, a little flustered as her cheeks flushed more rosey. It’s something Gianna notices and she whips her head to her mom, a silent exchange as if she’s asking her if she saw that. “No I’m just waiting for you to spontaneously combust.” She directs to her brother with a grin, apparently having a better time than he was. Maybe this ball was worth going to after all. “Do you make him sweat like this all the time?” Leyla asks, a little smirk on her features as she’s directing her question to his sister and mom. “Or is this a rare occasion?” she’s asking as it’s new to her. “I think he just thinks you’re gonna run for the hills.” Gianna replies, biting into her cupcake now, apparently fully satisfied she had picked all the little chocolate chips out.

Cain: “It’s just wrong,” he scoffed. “Yeah, save the animals blah blah, but these people had to go one further and make meat substitutes and say you can’t tell the difference. It’s bold faced lies. I can tell the difference, there ain’t no flies on me.” He’s wrinkling his nose in disgust, quite clearly feeling strongly about it, enough to allow it to distract him from his own sweaty palms. “Yes, well besides that, I actually remember you saying once that you would never date. In general. Anyone. But here we are.” Loraine raised a brow as she pulled the conversation back around just to see the sudden rabbit in headlight eyes. “Yeah. He we are.” He sounds a little grumpy but it’s only because he knows exactly what she’s doing and he doesn’t appreciate it. Was it hot in here? He was hot, tugging lightly at his collar to try and loosen it up. Between his mother and his sister, he could swear he wasn’t gonna make it outta here alive. He’s just thankful Leyla doesn’t seem as nervous as he is, she doesn’t look terrified which actually is helping him stay somewhat calm. “We try,” Loraine smirks. “But do you know how difficult it is to do that?” Make him sweat, that was. But once she says it, she quickly catches her own words. “Well, maybe you won’t find it so difficult. But I haven’t been able to break his macho man parade in years. The last time I made him nervous sweat was when I caught him at 5 years old inside the fridge, eating the chicken I’d prepped for the next day. Whole thing, demolished.” She sighs and shakes her head in amusement. “Alright, alright, first off it wasn’t the whole chicken,” he tells Leyla. “And even if it was, it was a small chicken and you,” he looks back at his mother. “Had sent me to bed without supper because I dragged mud all over your white fur rug and secondly, the fuck do you mean you don’t make me sweat? I’m in a constant nervous state around you. You’re really unpredictably terrifying and put you together[13:24]with your sidekick,” he tips his head over to the childrens corner where CJ’s mom was. “You two can be apocalyptic. I’ve ran through a field full of live grenades while people shot at me and I’d still say that was less terrifying than you can be.” He’s smirking until he looks over at Gianna. “And don’t get me started on you. You’re not scary, you’re just a pain in my ass.” He jests, puffing out a slow breath as he rolls his shoulders. “So I’ll ask again… Are you two done?” Cain quickly lifts his drink and takes a large gulp. Loraine has both brows raised as she looks between her children and Leyla. “Mm,” she simply just hums at first before tipping her head in agreement. “Alright, I’ll give you that one.” She would agree, she could be very terrifying, but she laughs because she knows he’s only messing around. “Scarier than gunfire and grenades,” sitting back in her seat, she looks towards Leyla and shrugs. “I’ll take the compliment.” Putting her glass down, she holds a hand up in defence. “I’m done. Gianna, are you done? I think Cain’s had enough for tonight.” And with her words, he gruffs out a scoff and relents into a lazy smirk, mainly because his eyes have drifted back towards Leyla and he just can’t help it. They can all hear the frantic man who runs in the hall but over all the chatter and music, he doesn’t hear what he’s screaming about and quite honestly? He thinks what most did over in the other corner, it’s nothing. Funny how he told himself that and yet his shoulders have already tensed up, like a sense of something brewing. “Me and ‘Ana are debating ordering a pizza here, you think they’ll let us bring it in?” He chuckles, starting a more relaxed conversation. A couple minutes later, there’s a hand on his shoulder and a member of the MC who bows down to whisper in his ear, one sentence that had the colour draining from his face. “Who?” He turns to look up.[13:24]The guy glances between them all and shakes his head. “Martin.” He confesses. Cain curses under his breath, brushing a hand over his mouth as his lips twist in a thin line. Anger, sadness… That good mood? Gone. “Stay here,” he’s talking to his mother and Gianna who he figures would already be twisting to get up and go with him. “Please.” Cain adds and to his relief, at least Loraine relents and gives him a silent nod. “You too, Doc.” His smile is sympathetic as he focuses his attention on Leyla while he stands up. With a glance behind him, he sees a few members waiting for him and sighs, patting a couple of them on their shoulders and beginning his walk towards the backdoors, following behind Marcus who was naturally leading the pack, so to speak. “Jesus Christ,” Loraine whispers, gentle fingers pressed into her eyes.

Gianna: Musing along as she’s finishing off her cupcake, she’s completely drowning out the people around as well as the music, she’s more or less sitting there laughing  (  inwardly as well as outwardly  )  at everything that was being said between her mom and Cain. Being a royal pain in his ass was more her duty as his only sibling and boy did she enjoy it, so whilst she feigned that sense of feeling insulted, that little twinkle in her eye followed by a small smirk told just how much she knew exactly what she was doing. “Alright,” she nonchalantly shrugs, following their mom’s lead, “I’m done.” she gives a little nod, reaching for her glass of orange juice she takes a sip to wash down the last of the cake she was eating. Whilst for all of three seconds her eyes become drawn to the guy that has come running into the hall screaming, her attention gets pulled back to Cain as he mentions pizza. She was never really one to not engage in conversation when food was mentioned. There’s a grin on her features as she sees the look on her mom’s expressions at them wanting to stuff their faces even more than they already have, but any form of amusement fell when she saw the guy walk up to Cain, knowing she knows he’s in the MC she’s becoming more nosy, her awareness of her surroundings becoming more obvious as the room is becoming more hectic. She’s watching her brother’s face and her shoulders tense, a moment in which she’s practically ready to get up from the table but with Cain asking her to stay seated, she settles with a sigh, a frown showcasing as she watches the MC walk towards the doors.[20:25]Leyla: That amusing, relaxed— admiring atmosphere that had been created seemingly fizzled at the snap of a finger. It’s the second she’s about to say she wouldn’t say no to pizza that she watches the stranger approach and whisper in Cain’s ear that tells her  (  just as it did everyone else  )  something bad had happened. She hadn’t ignored the screams from the man abruptly rushing into the hall, it had caused her head to whip into his direction— just as it did a few others, but with the music and the loud voices, for the moment time allowed it hadn’t yet all connected together until the sheer wash over Cain’s expressions. That trait of hers that pulled her to a situation wanting to help was presently there but there’s a silent understanding that she won’t be able to and once Cain’s left the table, the hall suddenly feels quiet. There’s people whispering and as those whispers got louder it was very quickly becoming obvious what had happened. No, at this stage no one really knew what, but the fact that someone had died— Martin, it caused a frown on her expressions. She can’t place the name to a face, not right now, but she feels concerned. She can also feel herself sobering up and that floating mood she was in had been overshadowed by that thought of a murderer potentially sitting in this very hall. She doesn’t say anymore, there’s plenty she might want to say but only if she was in different company. Gianna was quiet, watching the entrance to the hall assumingly for her brother to come back in— Leyla’s first thoughts were wondering if she was worried about Cain, she was herself but she hadn’t ignored the large group he had walked out with; so she knew he’d be fine.

[miracle-in-the-eye-of-the-storm]

Accidentally Saving the Day + Circus AU + JuleRose

first, the circus part!

anarka couffaine has always wanted to be a pirate, but given that it’s, uh, rather more illegal than her other endeavors and the consequences would be a bit more severe, she settles for talking like one, being captain of her ships, and raising her children to be free spirited, capable, functioning people. and yes, i said shipS, plural.

y’see, anarka’s parents a) owned quite a few boats, b) passed down their love of sailing to their daughter, and c) left all their boats to her in their wills(? inheritance? i dunno, the point is anarka has a lot of boats).

the part where the circus comes in is, sometime ago, anarka was having a conversation with someone bemoaning the fact of her dream of being a pirate isn’t very do-able in this day and age, not without a lot of problems she doesn’t want for her family. then they mentioned, offhandedly, that hey — if the chaos and freedom and cannons of piracy is what calls to her, what about a circus? they’re land-bound, sure, but they can be just as wild and chaotic as piracy (plus, cannons!). anarka was sold on the idea almost immediately. she went out and did all the paperwork needed for her to be the ringmaster of a circus (though she was very grumpy about the paperwork), started hiring people, and loaded the whole act onto her boats. there are different branches of Circus Liberty, all of them traveling around as they see fit. each boat has a specialty act — one is geared towards strongmen. another performs acrobatic feats. one of them houses the clowns and jesters and more audience-participation performances. there are some animals, though not many, usually on the smaller end, and they’re all very well cared for. (no elephants or lions, because i imagine living on a boat their whole lives would not be fun.) all the acts go their own way for the most part, but when they meet up by chance or purposefully, they’ll perform together for a few days. the last day of every month, they dock and sell tickets for the next month’s shows.

juleka is a makeup artist, one of the acrobats, and a musician, though she usually stays in the background. performing as an acrobat helped her feel more confident in her presence, and she’s more likely to speak up when she feels something is wrong or she’s uncomfortable. (luka’s a musician, too, and anarka leads the music section as well as being the ringmaster.) in this au, the picture curse still happens, but only at school and juleka is very confused about it (the picture curse doesn’t affect her at the circus, partly because she makes an effort to Not be in some of the photos, and partly because so many pictures were taken specifically of the circus members).

rose and juleka met when they were six. rose got lost trying to find the couffaines after the show, because she wanted to tell them she loved their performance so much. juleka found her wandering around the dock, looking increasingly distressed as she could find neither her family nor the couffaines. juleka didn’t say much, but when rose caught sight of her, she recognized her right away and started gushing about juleka’s guitar skills. caught off gaurd, juleka blurted the first two things that came to mind: “thank you” and “i think you’re really pretty.” after that, the two of them went back to the boat and ate cookies while anarka called rose’s parents to let them know where she was. they’ve been pretty much inseparable since then.

accidentally saving the day, huh? hmmm . . .

alright, so. the CL couffaines (and by extension, rose) are far more used to fame than canon couffaines, seeing that their circus has been attended by basically everyone in paris at this point. because of this, they’re rather less impressed with lila’s claims to fame when she shows up (and she doesn’t show up until chameleon, instead of arriving in volpina and disappearing for a month or so). lila, miffed that her stories aren’t gathering the positive attention she wants, is akumatized into chameleon — a shapeshifter that can take your form by physical contact (not just kissing, because that looked ridiculous and it made me uncomfortable), like shaking your hand or bumping into you. to be clear; it doesn’t have to be bare skin, like hand against hand, it just has to be physical, and you have to notice that she’s touched you in some way. (that is lila’s whole schtick: being noticed.)

lila’s targeting the whole class, because they all dismissed her (she’s. she’s basically throwing a temper tantrum), but mainly chloe, adrien, marinette, and alya — because they’re the ones who have the most accomplishments, in her eyes, and so they’re the ones stealing her spotlight. chloe nopes the fuck out of there when adrien starts acting like a fuckin asshole, marinette goes ??? ?? something is not right here — DUH ITS AN AKUMA ITS ALWAYS AN AKUMA and transforms into ladybug. poor adrien is asleep in his locker in this au, too. alya records the whole thing, because it’s an akuma of course she does, but she’s also put to sleep when lila-as-adrien shoves her to the side. nino freaks out about his girlfriend collapsing in a boneless heap on the floor while his best friend glows and turns into his girlfriend (and then he goes Ah, akuma, of course it is. fml) but he stays mostly calm and pulls alya to the side so she’s not smushing her glasses or sleeping in a weird position. at this point, adrien wakes up and goes ?? what the fuck wait lila AKUMA PLAGG CLAWS OUT—

so that’s all well and good, but where’s rose and juleka? i will tell you. as soon as i think of it.

. . . . yes, this is a part one, and there will be a part two at some point. stay tuned??

[callmetippytumbles]

Thoughts on THOTs, TRR Book 3, Chapter 3: Sometimes Petty Ain’t Enuff

This week’s THOTs were king of a drag to get through. I can’t put my finger on why.  Maybe I want to focus more energy on my fanfics.  Maybe I was not given enough opportunities for petty as I required when being asked to deal with A Demon.  Maybe I was feeling pretty meh about this chapter as a whole.  Lord knows.  I have been like:

Issa mood and a lifestyle.  When it comes to this chapter.

You guys deserve better than this.  I thought I was better than this.  I am not. Bullshit and lies.

So the chapter opens in the boutique with Maxwell and Bertrand.  Look at how far we have fallen.  Last week I was being greeted by my love, and this week I have to be stank with Bertie and Ernie Maxwell.  Halle, per the usual, stays asking the real ass questions:

When DO I get to see my duchy and why aren’t we going over therre?

I don’t want this.  I would like a Plan B.  Halle continues to press the pertinent questions.  

It’s like she does not want to have to grovel in front of this raggedy heifer who stepped to her crazy at her own party.  For the why Bertrand? Why are you trying to make it seem as if I can’t get ANYONE else?

That doesn’t cover the Demon piece, Bertrand. We could get someone else.  Like Kiara.  Kiara would be dope.  She is excellent in court, has connections to the press, is driven, can speak multiple languages.  Plus Kiara is so skilled A Demon made Kiara her second in command.  Why not her? Oh PB made sure she got knifed up during the Homecoming Ball so that I have to let Bertrand continue with this bullshit.

Well, I can give you guys that.  Remember how that Demon spun intentional psychological fuckery and downgraded that to hazing with no comeuppance?

Again, Halle keeps asking the real questions:

Yeah, the bitch likes green and black, but that does not answer the question I put before you.  Why would IT help us?  Maxwell and Bertrand don’t want to think about that question.  They want to dress you up to appeal to Slytherin them peoples in Fydelia and Champagne Mami.

Da alphet o da wheek!

So not only is Halle going to have to grovel to a motherfucking Demon to offer it a job IT does not motherfucking need like it’s the only motherfucking person who can help us.  Halle has to do all of that in Cordonian Fashion Nova thotwear.

Do we really have to do this? If not A Demon we can get someone else.  Liam has like a whole fugging team of press people.  Why can’t I get one of them? Or a recommendation from one of them to get someone like one of them.  I would rather have Chance the Rapper Berry be my press secretary.

Also, I do not think that Fashion Nova thotwear is going to get a Demon to be like “Yeah, let me get a job working for the THOT that stole my man and crown.” Halle agrees.

She is smiling though because while the dress isn’t winning A Demon over, she still likes thotwear and that will win Liam over.  I will take the teensiest morsel that I can get.

Before I can show off my teeny tiny dress to My King, Bertrand, continues to heap on the shit.  I have other goals besides intentionally failing to convince a Demon that IT needs a job so that we can get a Plan B.  We have to persuade Champ Mami to come to our wedding and bring her mans as well.  Halle:

PB:

Halle is also confused as to why we are seeing this man for the first time today.  She also is like “hus-WHOM?”

Adelaide acts like she doesn’t have a husband because she doesn’t.  She has an arrangement with a sponsor.  Sponsors are not there to give things like love, emotional support, vitamin D.  Those things are outsourced since Champ Mami will not go without.  Especially her vitamin D.  She needs it to live and thrive.  It makes sense to me that she doesn’t like this dude.  Halle still has to care if this stingy dude sits in the pews while she marries her king.

Bertrand also makes a point to say that Champagne Mami and her sponsor are on the outs. Me:

Bertrand suggests talking to them separately and learning information to benefit this whack ass cause.  Halle is like:

Bertrand:

Me:

So not only do I have to beg this Demon to take a job IT does not need, do it while wearing Slytherin’s Fashion Nova collab, I also have to be Iyanla to these rich people?

After the boutique, we finally are on our way to the depths of Hades Champagne’s Mami’s house.

Just before we brace ourselves for the bullshit, Halle has the first of her few interactions with Liam. Liam:

Me:

I mean I would have a lot on my mind. I have to brown nose to a beast… Halle though is better than me because instead of like taking a moment to get steeped in feelings and butthurt is trying to get information on Godfrey.  Really, PB? They can’t even be nice and give me this Godfrey:

Much rather be talking to him than some bitter-ass Brit who doesn’t give a fuck about his wife, or her home.  FML. Anyway, Liam does not have much to offer on The Sponsor other than he married Champagne Mami for political reasons and likes titles and shits on fun.  Basically the opposite of the Champagne Champion who loves fun and mess.  I can understand why the dick and the other components of a life partner are outsourced.  

While Halle is attempting to get in the spirit, she isn’t entirely above a dig.

The dig does not make this any easier though. Liam:

Because you will be by my side right? Liam:

BULLSHIT BALL TIME!

It is not even a second into this, and Regina is dragging Champagne Mami.

Champagne Mami isn’t a punk and can serve some back.  

Not too much because she knows her cousin is the queen, but enough. Damn Schumrda Qween is a savage.  If I didn’t like Champagne Mami so much, I would salute her.  I am already torn.

When I was talking to @lizzybeth1986, she pointed out Champ Mami is doing Regina a favor by hosting this party.  That is a substantial point.  Right now, the nobility is not fucking with the royal family because they do not want to get the Drake/Bastien/Justin/Kiara treatment.  Adelaide not only agrees to host the King, her petty ass cousin Regina, who still take shots at her despite already being queen and basically winning, the royal staff, the man who rejected your child because he was done and the woman who he rejected your child for AND her friends. That is a lot to ask Gina.  Then after Adelaide does all of this shit, no one shows up and Regina is still making an effort to ROAST her.  I feel for Adelaide.  I really do.

Next to Champ Mami is this stiff AF dude.  That is her sponsor husband, Godfrey most definitely not Gao.  I can feel the stick up his ass from here.

Maxwell is like magic friendship dust will fix this.  I am like:

Halle is desperate, so she buys in I guess.  I mean, this is a high ass first hurdle.  Halle will take whatever.  She then goes to A Demon to get laughed at so that she can fail and Bertrand will have to let a Plan B happen. Demon:

Well, at least Halle is a duchess, Countess of Hades Fydelia.  Halle is kind enough not to point this out. I feel otherwise:

There was a petty option, I took a petty option.  I have no desire to be a better person.  Not like it will matter anyway. A Demon does not even take the bait. Why not just twist the knife deeper PB?  A Demon is over this shit too:

Halle needs to quickly fail this fuckass mission, so she asks A Demon if it wants a job.  As predicted A Demon is like:

Me:

Halle, just to say that she really tried:

Demon:

Me:

OHWELLITRIED!

Halle:

Also Halle:

After Halle’s deliberate failure, she looks to her friends and fiance for comfort and support.  It’s a difficult time for her.  Her fiance is MIA.  Well, Liam just wants to sleep alone.  Hana does point out that Liam is trying to talk to the other nobles who did risk their lives to be seen rockin’ with the royal family tonight.  Halle:

I kind of picture this event for Halle being pretty eye-opening regarding getting a taste of what actually working with Liam is like.  There may be times where she would prefer him to be by her side, and she would look, and he isn’t there.  This wouldn’t bother Liam so much because he is used to this.  He grew up in this life, so this isn’t an issue for him.  Halle didn’t. Also, she is beyond new to her.  Liam could have been a little more invested in being present for Halle during a difficult task.  I know Halle technically asked to do this solo, but he should have known better than to take her at her word for something like this.  Maybe checked in.  Now Halle has to kick you out of bed and make herself horny and mad.  Great job husbando!  Additionally, it would have been nice to see what Liam was doing behind the scenes while Halle had to eat crow.  

Anyway, at least Halle’s friends are on her side. Maxwell and Hana:

Me:

Halle:

Drake is unimpressed by A Demon’s party.  Why he should be? It’s a buffet.  I expected better from your peeples Satan.  He is unimpressed by most parties that have fancy food and booze that isn’t whiskey.  At least his simple tastes ensure his loyalty to Halle.  

Nope. Spoke too soon.  Drake is all about that pasta because its man food and hesa man and rah!  Halle still eats the food because she obviously did not read the Count of Monte Cristo.  If Halle did, she would know that skipping the food would be an insult to communicate that she does not fuck with that demon over there.  Take a page from Schmurda Qween or even Olivia.  Halle though is not above free food so she too sells herself out.

Because this party is not shitty enough, who else but Neville to take things from worse to worser.  At least it is just Neville.  Drake runs into him with a plate of pasta.  Neville ignores Drake at first and focuses on Halle. Neville presents it as congratulations, it becomes super obvious that it actually a vehicle for a barrage of backhanded compliments. Halle is like:

Drake on the other hand:

Drake will jump in front of a bullet for you, cuss someone out if they call you out your name, but his ride or die stops at pasta.  I can take that.  Neville did not like that Drake, a commoner, had the nerve to buck to him crazy.  He is big mad.  So he starts talking down to Drake.  The whole tirade is trash, but then Neville goes too far:

Me:

Drake is about to go full “Knuck if You Buck” on this dude, but Halle pulls him back. Like any other dude with too much privilege and not enough punches to the face, he still continues to try it.

I am like:

This party is shit anyway.  Let it come to violence!  This fuckboy deserves.  Hana intervenes and knows how to end things quickly and nonviolently.  Apparently, Neville not only is absolutely ain’t shit, but he is also a freeloader:

So you don’t want to support me, Our King, but you are just coming on this tour to find a bedwarmer? If you don’t… Hana who is too good for this world suggests trying to invite this bastard to freeload at my wedding as well as the Unity/Begging Tour.

Drake has had enough and excuses himself.  Halle being done and it’s been a while since PB has held their hand out for diamonds follows him.  Of course, there is a diamond scene with Drake, for 20 diamonds, you can teach him how to dance.  Drake wants to learn because since he cannot go full Hulk on Neville and send him to his maker, he figures getting 3 10’s on Dancing With the Stars is a good way to get back at Neville.  If you are petty like me, the Drake roasting begins now.  If you are not petty, the roasting is later.  Halle is petty, and she has some moments.  

Drake:

Halle:

Now that Halle is done, she teaches Drake some moves.  If you are romancing Drake, this scene is much more romantic.  For those of us that aren’t its symbolizes that our messy, hoeing days are done.  Pour one out for our messy heaux pasts and 30 diamond scenes I will never forget.  That thigh grab move is EVERYTHING.

Drake wants to try dancing because he wants to step up for Liam (he wants to step up for you if he is romancing you) and be seen as more than Liam’s Professional Best Friend.  Halle teaches Drake the Cordonian Waltz.  I am like “Drake is not ready for that, start easy with the Lean Back and work your way up.”  This echoes a little to when Hana taught Halle, but I found it more echoing back to when Halle dances with Drake during the Coronation Ball.  During that dance, Halle does all of the work and Drake kind of just stands there and doesn’t engage with the dancing.  His being willing to do that much is him trying.  This time Drake makes a point to actually learn the steps and be an active participant as opposed be reluctantly present.  Halle points out that his active participation is essential:

There is a moment where Drake and Halle are holding each other close.  It could have been very messy and full of tension, but since I am not romancing Drake and TRR heaux season is over it isn’t.

Back at the Bullshit Ball, Bertrand is looking for us.  I have made no headway with convincing A Demon that the best way to bounce back from being a two-time loser for the crown is to get a job working for the woman who is responsible for defeat #2.  Bertrand is not trying to discuss Plan B.  Me:

Apparently, it’s time to talk to Champagne Mami and Her Sponsor. Regina is talking to Adelaide and Liam is talking to Godfrey not Gao.  Me and Halle are very whatever about it, but I guess we must try.  I start off easy because a wedding is basically a party and Champagne Mami loves parties.  Also, this victory could set up the momentum for another victory.  This is a slam dunk, right?

Regina and Adelaide are busy going in.  They were ready to be like:

Halle interrupts that tense conversation to invite Champagne Mami to the wedding. Champagne Mami:

Halle, you fucked up girl.  Don’t lead with the wedding, lead with the party.  Anyway, Champagne Mami can’t always prioritize drinking top-shelf liquor for free and seeking new dick.  Sometimes you do have to care about things like your fucked up rich family problems.  Champ feels a way that her baby isn’t even trying to let Champ comfort IT with booze, rom-coms and crass talk about men.  Me:

I would love to do ALL of those things with you! Why can’t you be my mom?  Also, of course, A Demon does not appreciate those things.  Those are good, fun things. A Demon cannot understand good and fun things because light and darkness do not mix.

Adelaide wants to be a mother and be there for her child. She wants her child to put herself first for a change. A Demon has been doing that.  How much champagne have you been drinking?  She also wants her child to open up to some people.

Leave my friends out of this.  I am sure A Demon could summon up some similarly demonic buddies using a pentagram or whatever.

After that Champ Mami shoves us away to enjoy this terrible party.  Now we have to talk to The Sponsor.  He is right now talking to my MIA fiance.  Liam:

Once Liam makes his quick exit, Halle is left to speak to this stick in the mud, who doesn’t like her with no support.  Halle is off to a great start by messing up his title, the one thing he cares about.  The Sponsor does not let up.  He starts out the way A Demon starts out in Chapter 19.  

A Demon is definitely its father’s child.

At least he likes your Slytherin Fashion Nova thotwear.

Then he wants to call you out your name, but this is the one time where the petty comes in handy.  When you remind him of your title:

Birdman:

With that win, Halle presses on.  She invites him to the wedding, but Godfrey not Gao is like:

Halle:

Well, all three of those are excellent reasons for this man not to attend your wedding, Halle.  You stole things from his child, he does not give a single fuck about Cordonia, and he is afraid of his in-name-only wife.  I focus on the big one, you know, that Halle straight disrespected his child.  

His beef with you immediately spills into his beef with his wife.

Me @ “daughter’s defeat”:

He leaves, and goodness can enter our lives again in the form of Hana.  Before we can call it a night, Neville decides to ask an uninterested Demon to dance with him.  Drake is like:

So a ballroom dance battle begins.  Since this battle is being instigated by men, things escalate quickly.  Neville is outchea doing dramatic dips.  Drake is not going to let some bitch wearing Roger Moore’s ugly suit show him up.  Nevermind the fact that like 20 taps ago we just taught him how to do more than the running man, which was still a little complicated for him.  Doesn’t matter, Drake wants to end this.  Halle knows what to do: a lift.

Um, Halle, this is not Dirty Dancing.  Baby and Johnny fucked the lift a whole bunch of times before the end of the movie.  DRAKE’S SHOULDER IS ALL FUCKED UP BECAUSE OF THAT TIME HE TOOK A BULLET FOR YOU!  PB is gonna have that arm just fall off out of nowhere.  Drake is unsure, but Halle is doing it.  Since you know, plot, they pull it off.  

This leaves Neville pissed.  How dare someone who wears denim tuxedos and has no respect for plaid make him look bad!  He can cry in a corner about his inadequacy later.  

Luckily, Hana suggests that we can get A Demon talking about getting her drunk.  Look at Hana and these excellent ideas.  I would much sooner use her intellect to cook up a Plan B that does not involve asking A Demon to work, but PB is insisting on this.  You can choose any of your friends to invite her to play.  I tried Drake thinking IT would refuse, but IT will say yes to whomever.  A Demon would rather drink with us as opposed to drinking alone.

Because PB does not have enough of our money, they make a point to demand some now.  Halle:

There is a book?

Anyway, the drinking game is Cordonia’s Best, where you create superlatives and then nominate the people you are playing with to get them.  The winner has to drink.  

A Demon still mad stays hatin’, starts with Halle.  

However, this quickly becomes a Drake roast.  Hana delivers a masterful read:

Me:

Drake tries to go in on me:

I see how it is, I teach your simple-ass how to dance, and this is how you repay me.  I see how it is.  Halle continues to shade Drake for the rest of the night. 

Maxwell agrees.

Drake:

Like?

A Demon finished her drink and Maxwell, and Drake grabs more booze. Leaving Hana and Halle alone with A Demon.  Halle who is better than me attempts empathy.  It does not know empathy.  So IT can know compassion as long as you dampen the evil with booze.

I almost felt for IT.  I can understand what it is like to Tracy Flick level of ambition and lose.  However, I cannot get past that time you said you wanted to psychologically break my best friend for fun:

So:

A Demon is like:

Then:

How can you read that and still not feel bad for A Demon?  

I can understand what IT is going through and at the same time would like for it to fuck itself now and for the rest.  PB wants to force this redemption narrative like my feelings do not matter. Demon:

Welp! I tried.

The game end and everyone return to the main hall to see Champagne Mami go AWF!  Her fucks are gone, her booze is gone, and she is done.  

The Sponsor wants to keep it down, but Addy is not having it on tonight. A Demon joins in.

Halle:

Me:

What? Let those rich people hash it out.  I don’t need to get involved.

Maxwell:

Me:

Maxwell pushes you, and you have to go in there like Iyanla. Halle:

Not that moment.  (But you should watch it, it’s funny!)

Well PB says that I have to come in on some magical negro/manic pixie dream girl shit and get y’all to sing the “I Love You” song from Barney so you can come to my wedding even though I don’t want you to be there.

Demon:

Me:

Excuse me? I broke nothing.  Sure I disrespected you, undermined you at every opportunity, embarrassed you after you asked me not to, got your mama to undermine you with me, but you signed up for that the moment you put that Liam could have me on the side as part of the deal.  Also, you fucked things up all by your lonesome.  

Halle:

Bitch, you would not have even gotten a chance if Connie did not come through with the bullshit at the eleventh and a half hour so that Liam could choose you when we BOTH know that he was gonna pick me from jump bitch! From jump!  And you fucking knew it because if you secure in your chances Demon, you would not have been bargaining with him in the middle of the night and agreeing to a side chick in the first place!

Oh, you want to forget that little nugget of 24 Karat fact!  

Champagne Mami co-signs but Godfrey is not mystified by Halle’s Iyanla.  Iyanla Halle gets him together too.

Me:

I am tired of this.  I hate that the MC literally had to be a family therapist to these people who can afford a family therapist that can get them together.  I hate that this was done to facilitate a redemption to someone who does not need it.  I hate that Liam left me to do ALL of the heavy liftings on this.  If Halle had to be Iyanla, why can Liam put on his Dr. Phil pants?

Halle fixes this family.  Champagne Mami will come to your wedding with her sponsor.

Well, Y’all know what happens next.

Chapter ends with the worst wake up call ever:

Random Thoughts:

Why am I being made to care about the family squabbles of these people? Is the Unity Tour a Halle does her best Iyanla tour?  All of these families could just hire Iyanla directly.  I know Iyanla works with Oprah, but she isn’t above money, and those families have money. 

I am going to riot if this happens for ALL of the tour. 

There was way too little of My King in this chapter.  Like he really was like “U Gud” and left me to fend for myself. I think this chapter was written more for people who are not with Liam in mind.  I don’t see how to divide and conquer is a good strategy when we are fighting for our country as well as our union.  Shouldn’t we show them more union? 

I hate this storyline so intensely.  Like: I didn’t think I could hate a storyline as much as I hated Bertrand and his baby mama drama, but this is taking me to new levels of hatred. 

Since we are going to Penelope’s next week, I have a feeling we will be dealing with PTSS.  She has a history of anxiety, and she was at the Homecoming Ball where she saw her bestie get knifed.  We will definitely talk about how that affected her next week.

Also, I do not ship Hana with A Demon.  A Demon said that she looked like a Disney princess, now they have a lurve story? FOH!  A Demon set out to emotionally traumatize Hana, FOR FUN.  I can’t get past that.  I know a lot of people would say that Hana is over it.  My response to that is Hana is over the hazing thing.  Hana did not hear A Demon say that she wanted to break her.  She was being escorted to the train by Drake.  Halle (MC) heard that and we as the readers know that.  I don’t think Hana would want to hookup with someone knowingly or unknowingly who wanted to psychologically abuse her.

I am going to go to my fanfics where they love me and I get all the Liam I want and no Demon.

[academicaimee]

having a ramble

my parents (after still repairing the relationship much to my distress) are still pieces of shit

I had an old friend contact me, he’s had a psychotic break, asked to talk to his wife, parents told me to block him because he’s manipulative and more ill than you aimee. fml, stop treating people like shit because they’re mentally ill.

the government refuses to recognise I am disabled (city council, PIP, universal credit... it goes on) and I am continuously frustrated and let down that I cannot receive help without an exhausting fight that i cannot do by myself

I need my photography to work for money’s sake - otherwise, I am screwed

I need a new wheelchair and power drive. I cannot self propel properly anymore, not that I could in the first place. I can maneuver and do short distances, but not enough to do what I need to do as a normal human being. 

academic office person screwed my head over yesterday saying they couldn’t give me the decision I wanted so had to pass it onto higher ups - that have not met me or understand my decision. everyone on the special cons board knows what the hell is going on and my situation. the higher ups do not, and would frankly not give a shit about a girl in a wheelchair wanting to study because as far as I’ve seen at uni, making reasonable adjustments is just far too much effort for them. I was reassured by the academic office person it’s not to stress about but if they come back with the undesired outcome I am going to cause a shit stir.

being in the wheelchair and basically sedentary is making me upset. I have stretch marks from all the weight I’ve gained. 90% of my wardrobe no longer fits and anytime I see a reflection or picture of myself, I get really upset. even writing this is making me cry for no fucking reason. I need to lose weight and I miss being the active human being I was.

trying to manage two societies - one is plagued with the drama of previous members and who have misused equipment and I’m trying to take action so the shit doesn’t spread to this new academic year, and organising teams of SKILLED freelancers who are passionate about what they do is apparently really difficult, and the second has had a gross misunderstanding of what the word disability means and plastering gender issues all over it without meaning and a lack of any organisation in terms of running the society so I’m picking up the pieces and starting from scratch

there’s probably more but that’s all that’s actively on my mind right now

[theninjasanctuary]

Had a really good day, I guess. Ofc it started out with not sleeping well, knowing I have to get up far too early in order to go to a long overdue gyno appointment, but I sucked it up and was putting in good effort to get there in time, AND THEN some fool in a van miscalculated a turn and bumped into the bus I was on, stopping all traffic, fml. Recalculated the route, got on a different bus and made it in time, just about. And, uh, it went as good as these things can go tbh, the doctor was nice (was lucky to get an appointment, she’s got great feedback), bordering on too much? (basically praised me for just coming in for a checkup without any pressing medical need), but also to the point. Got a pap test and an ultrasound, v. pleased to learn that the fibroid I had removed hasn’t grown back. It all went really fast and with minimal awkwardness. And to wipe it off my mind, met up with the boyf and hung out with him around town for hours in gorgeous weather, taking pictures, getting coffee and strawberries, etc., etc. Finally, went to the Japanese garden for the second day in a row and spent ages taking so many pictures my phone battery died. AND THEN I realized tomorrow is Labour Day and I don’t have to go to work and can finally sleep. (I’ve no idea why I keep forgetting about this.)

Got paid, too.        

[dabbledrabbleprose]

First Bite

Alright, I’m posting something that isn’t Overwatch again (twice in a row!) so my apologies. I promise I’m still working on the Whumptober prompts and “Of Freelancers and Outlaws,” it’s just been slow going between work and putting together my first tabletop campaign in years. I haven’t DMed in years, and I’m super nervous!

Naturally, when I finally got a day off to write, instead of working on anything I was supposed to work on, I became possessed by an idea for a new OC and cranked out 2700 words in one day. It felt like a shame not to share it, so I’m posting it here. Unbeta’d, obviously, it’s mostly word vomit about my new boy.

Meet Angelo Salvador, a college professor who teaches mostly calculus and physics. He’s of Brazilian descent, very logical, addicted to social media, and lives a very healthy lifestyle. He’s a mathematician at heart, and absolutely, positively does not believe in magic or the supernatural. He’s also definitely a werewolf. 

2700 word drabble under the cut! Warnings for violence, blood/gore, and...uh...eating people.

After two weeks of warfare, Angelo’s nemesis had finally gotten the better of him. His opponent was clever, wise enough to avoid the multiple traps Angelo laid for him, despite using the most recommended baits. Regardless of what the internet said, apparently his uninvited guest had no interest in peanut butter, cheese, or fruit. Hell, he’d even lined a trap with chocolate, but still he failed to catch the mouse that was terrorizing his pantry.

Instead, Angelo stood staring at the ruined cord of his phone charger, chewed cleanly in half. He took a picture with his dying phone, and used the last of his battery to upload it to at least three social media websites.

“Mouse is smarter than me, winning our war. Looking for live trap advice, peanut butter isn’t working! #FML #MouseHunt #CalcProf #SeattleWildlife  #LiveTraps #DeadPhone”

Angelo tossed his phone onto the bedside table and got dressed. Getting a new cord couldn’t wait until morning. He had classes to teach and needed his phone functional for the next day. Breaking his routine was unusual for him, but it was midterms and he’d been up late grading tests and answering emails from a long list of students pleading for extra credit or for him to “make an exception, just for me,” and he hadn’t noticed his broken phone charger until just before midnight. Anything on campus would be closed by now, but there was a 24 hour store within biking distance of his little house, so he threw on his reflective jacket, pulled his bike out of the garage, and took to the streets.

Angelo didn’t typically like to ride his bike at night; most car drivers didn’t pay attention enough to see him, even with his headlight and reflective gear. Even so, the trip to the store was unremarkable, new phone charger easily obtained, and Angelo was soon on his way back.

Flashing lights blocked his path ahead on the return trip, and an ambulance blew past him. Angelo slowed and pulled to a stop. There were at least three police cars, the ambulance, and a fire engine, from what he could tell in the dark. Maybe more. He would likely be fine to ride past them, but it would probably be easier to cut through the park and bypass the accident altogether. It would add a few more minutes to his travel time, but it was a nice night, the temperature comfortable, and the moon was bright enough to see by.

Angelo turned right and cut through the park. The park had a few wide fields, a playground, and some old paved jogging trails that wove through a patch of tall trees. He turned onto the paved path to follow the jogging trail to the other side of the park, where he could get back on a street and head home. He slowed down to pick his way through the worn path, the trees blotting out a good amount of the moonlight above.

A howl sliced through the night, cold and clear, and sharp enough that Angelo actually pulled to a stop and froze, listening. In the distance, he could still hear the sirens and the occasional drone of a passing car. The leaves rustled as a breeze passed overhead. His heart pounded in his ears and his fingers tightened on the rubber handle grips before logic caught up with him.

What was he doing? Freezing like a deer in the woods, trying to determine which direction a predator was coming from? He was in the middle of Seattle, for hell’s sake, surrounded by city, houses, and college campus close by. He relaxed and shook himself. Idiot. Getting worked up just because someone’s dog is–

Another howl split the night, closer, and logic went out the window as some instinct in Angelo’s hind-brain reared back and screamed run.

Angelo kicked his bike back into gear and went tearing down the path. Was that the sound of twigs breaking behind him? Were those leaves rustling from a breeze or crunching underfoot? What did–

His bike hit a pothole in the poorly maintained road and sent him flying over the handlebars. Angelo hit the pavement hard and rolled to a stop. Stars flashed before his eyes, brighter than either the moon or the ambulance lights, and his thoughts rotated sluggishly around in his head. He rolled onto his back, but couldn’t seem to accomplish more than that. He stared at the dark tree branches sprawled above him, blinking the stars from his eyes.

As soon as he felt he was able, he slowly sat up and groaned.

“Dammit…”

His head throbbed and he could feel his nose bleeding. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and grimaced at the gritty feeling of dirt and blood sliding across his skin. Disgusting. He got to his feet and inspected the bike. The pothole had completely bent the front rim out of shape and deflated the tire. Great. Looks like he was walking home, all because he’d let his imagination get the better of him.

Angelo sighed and righted the bicycle. He ran numbers through his head as he started the long walk home, trying to plan out how much a new wheel was going to cost him, assuming it was only the front wheel that was damaged, when he’d find the time to make repairs, when he needed to wake up to catch the bus tomorrow, how long it would take him to walk home…not to mention he still needed to trap this damn mouse.

A rustling in the undergrowth was his only warning before a massive black shape barreled toward him. It knocked him on his back and Angelo caught a flash of sharp, white teeth lunging for his throat. He threw an arm up to protect himself and huge jaws snapped closed around his arm. Angelo screamed.

Yellow eyes gleamed in the moonlight over a canine snout, boring into him as deeply as the teeth in his arm, and Angelo froze, pinned by fear as much as by the beast. He couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, and for a split second he wondered if even his heart had stopped. A growl rose in the beast’s throat, then it shook its head.

Pain washed over him as teeth tore through the flesh of his arm and his shoulder dislocated with a pop. Another scream ripped from his throat and panic overtook paralysis. He thrashed beneath the beast, kicking and punching wildly, though every jerk of his trapped arm brought another scream. A lucky kick managed to hit the beast right in the gut, but the jaws only closed tighter around him. Teeth ground against bone and agony coursed through him so hard that his vision went dark.

As abruptly as the attack started, it was over. The creature let him go and Angelo’s arm dropped onto his own face with a wet smack. The creature crashed through the undergrowth and vanished.

Angelo didn’t know how long he lay sprawled on the ground, staring at the moonlight flickering through the trees. He finally worked up the energy to roll to one side and let out a wail as agony rolled through him. He curled up with a whimper and entertained the temptation of lying there until someone found him. Dimly, he realized that might not be the best idea, and hoped he wasn’t bleeding out. With a monumental effort, Angelo rose to his feet, letting his arm hang limply beside him. He wasn’t sure if he’d even be able to move it if he tried, and it hurt too much for him to want to find out.

Okay. He was okay. He was alive, he could walk, and that…that dog or whatever that thing was, it was gone. He just need to call for help and–

His phone was dead on his bedside table. Angelo couldn’t help himself and broke into tears.

He didn’t linger long, however. His arm was in agony and he genuinely couldn’t tell how badly he was bleeding. He had the presence of mind to scoop up the goddamn phone cord from where it had fallen, but left his bike behind. Hopefully it would still be there when he got back from the E.R.

A howl carried over the wind.

Angelo shivered and turned back the way he came, heading for where the traffic accident had been, and hoped the police would still be there.

 ******

 The damage to Angelo’s arm had been extensive, a dislocated shoulder, severe lacerations, and significant muscle and bone damage. The doctor talked a lot about physical therapy, surgery, and warned about the possibility of permanent damage and loss of mobility. He’d gotten post-exposure rabies vaccinations, and animal control never found the dog that attacked him.

And yet…

Life had gone on. He needed to purchase a new bike in the end, as his damaged one was stolen overnight. His arm had completely healed within a month, to the astonishment of his doctors. With no other explanation, they chalked it up to his incredibly healthy lifestyle          .

He went back to his normal routine: go to the gym, teach class, office hours, his usual rotation of recreational activities, sleep. He gained some followers on social media due to his recounting of the dog attack and his recovery. Even the mouse that had been plaguing his home seemed to have up and left of its own accord.

A few things changed. He seemed to have an occasional excess of energy, and began putting in more time at the gym. Though he tended to eat meat sparingly, he began craving red meat more often. His nutritionist suggested his body may have been after the extra protein after his injury, so he started taking iron supplements and added protein shakes into his diet.

The craving for steak continued, but at least he felt better about it.

He began shaving more. His five o’clock shadow became persistent, and he seriously considered growing a beard just so he wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Nearly a month from the attack, he went to bed like usual. He awoke on the other side of his house, naked, with no memory of how he’d gotten there and feeling absolutely exhausted, as if he hadn’t gone to sleep at all. The clothes he’d gone to bed in were shredded, but nothing else appeared out of the ordinary. He made a doctor’s appointment to discuss sleepwalking, asked his social media followers about their experiences with sleepwalking, and thought nothing more of it. Exhausted all day, he fell asleep early that night.

He awoke outside. He was once again naked, and two blocks from his home. He hastily made his way back home without incident, and was grateful that there were so few people out and about at six in the morning.

Once in the safety of his home, he was alarmed to find that his front window had been completely shattered and the entirety of his house had been turned upside down, as if it had been ransacked, possibly by some lunatic with a knife, if the slashes in his furniture were anything to go by. He dressed after finding his previous night’s clothes shredded once again, and was grateful it was Saturday, so he didn’t need to call in sick to his own classes. Despite his persisting exhaustion, he set about calling the police to report a burglary, and called his doctor again to try and find an earlier appointment slot. The office was, of course, closed on weekends.

The police investigated his house and left with their report and Angelo spent the rest of the day cleaning house, though he wanted to do nothing more than take a nap. It was perhaps fortunate that he spent the rest of the day alone, as he was irritable and sour as he cleaned, and only grew angrier when he found that literally nothing was missing. Someone had ransacked his house and didn’t even have the decency to steal something.

Around eleven, he finally considered calling it a night and going to bed. He put out the bags of trash that used to be his possessions before they’d been shredded beyond repair and headed for bed. Halfway down the hall, his skin began to itch. He had to physically stop in the hall to scratch as the itching became unbearable. It was everywhere, down his arms, his back, his legs, his face. He tore his shirt off and scratched and scratched and scratched. He dropped to his knees.

What in the hell? Had the burglar left something behind? Some kind of irritant or chemical or something equally insane?

The maddening itching got worse, to the point where it began to burn. His fingernails dug at his skin, until it became apparent that he wasn’t scratching skin anymore, but hair. The hair on his arms and hair was becoming thick and coarse, literally growing right before his eyes. More hair sprouted from his skin, covering him like a layer of fur.

Angelo stared at his hands in disbelief, then let out a roar of pain and buckled over as something inside him stretched. It was like his bones were moving on their own, shifting and grinding inside him, and he could feel every inch. His breath came in short, harsh gasps and his teeth and jaw ached. His face twisted impossibly as the bones of his face realigned themselves, pushing forward until he could see his own mouth stretching in front of him. Another wave of fur rolled over him, covering his face. His tongue lolled forward, rolling and hanging out of his mouth as he panted.

The bones of his fingers adjusted with sharp, painful pops, growing shorter and thicker, and his nails turned black and grew into a set of sharp claws. A shiver ran down his spine and he let out an animalistic howl of pain as new vertebrae cracked into existence, sprouting a tail through his jogging pants. He felt himself growing heavier, thicker, his muscles enlarging around his rapidly growing and shifting skeleton.

Between one heaving breath and the next, something changed inside him. He could smell everything. The scents of the police officers, the cherry tree outside, the stray tomcat that had passed by the broken window last night. The scent of himself everywhere.

The noticeable lack of a burglar’s scent.

Oh god. It was all him. Angelo had done this himself.

His hearing sharpened. He could hear the couple across the street having an argument, bickering over whose fault it was that the car needed repairs.

Excellent. Distracted prey is easier to hunt.

The thought rose to his mind unbidden, followed by the mental image of stalking toward their home, breaking through their front door, tearing their throats out and gorging upon their meat.

Angelo let out a scream that sounded very much like a howl.

No! No, he didn’t want to hurt anyone! He hadn’t even wanted to kill a mouse! He didn’t want to…to…

Stalk. Hunt. Kill. Eat.

The desire was overwhelming, endorphins flooding his brain with even the promise of a good hunt. Angelo rose to all fours. He’d already broken the front window last night, he didn’t need to suffer through the confusion of finding his way out a second time. He kicked off the shredded remains of his pants and shook himself off. He had the scent. It was time to hunt.

Angelo threw his head back and howled.

 ******

 Angelo didn’t awaken until the sun was up, shining on his face and piercing his eyes. He ached all over and was still exhausted, but felt warm and pleasantly full. He was on something hard and smooth, tile or linoleum, though it was slick with sticky liquid. He didn’t move. He didn’t want to move, afraid of what he would find if he opened his eyes.

This time, he remembered.

The copper scent of blood was everywhere and he curled in on himself, wrapping his arms around his head. His hands and arms were wet and sticky, and he could taste blood on his teeth.

He wept. He didn’t want to see the proof, didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to see what he’d done.

But he remembered.

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

2018: Moved into the B Flat

2019: Got a boyfriend

 2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

2018: The music videos I did

2019: Deciding whether to date my now boyfriend

 3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

2018: My film jobs and internships

2019: Starting a relationship

 4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

2018: Same

2019: Same

 5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

2018: My great aunt died

2019: No close ones, but my grandma’s dementia is getting so bad she doesn’t remember who I am

 6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17/18/19.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

2018: Almost an adult

2019: Another year older

 7. What did you do in 2015/16/17/18/19 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

2018: Moved in with male roommates, did an internship

2019: Got a boyfriend

 8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous: Maybe? Overthink and strategize less: HA not really. Get a film job: Yes. Eat more vegetables: Maybe a little but still not enough. Go to the gym, like, ever: Yes. Read more: Kinda. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet.

2019: Get a boyfriend: Finally did! Be more spontaneous and adventurous: Kinda? Sometimes? Lose weight and eat better: Nope. Read more books: Nope. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet. Learn how to work hard: Not really. Spend more time with my friends: Kinda. Love myself, and be someone I love: Not really. Carpe diem: Sometimes. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal: Yes. Earn more money than I spend: Nope. Travel: Yes. Discover new music: Yes. Try new creative things: Yes. Believe in myself: Not really. Learn to be a leader: Nope. Watch more movies: Some. Think about other people: Tried to. Learn how to make mistakes: Kinda.

2020 resolutions: Get a new job. Lose weight and fit into my dresses again. Read more books. Spend more time with friends. Go on dates. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal. Try new creative things. Take risks even if they cost money. Make more money than I spend. Make jewelry. Get back to people in a timely manner. Be more punctual. Finish my harry potter spellbook and keep up with my character book. Learn new things. Be the kind of person I wish I could be. Be more open to ideas. Post more pictures online. Don’t be such a control freak. Worry less about what people think. Laugh more.

 9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

2018: Went to Las Vegas for a film shoot

2019: Went to Israel 

10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18/19/20 that you lacked in 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

2018: Still a boyfriend lmao

2019: An interesting job (finally got the boyfriend!)

11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

2018: It’s always good to try to better yourself and it gives you motivation to do it

2019: It’s a good idea for goals

12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17/18/19 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

2018: Boys I like having girlfriends

2019: Macy’s

13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17/18/19 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

2018: Not really, but maybe my youth went too fast

2019: It went by too fast for how much I accomplished

14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17/18/19? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

2018: A bunch of musicals

2019: My musicals playlist on spotify has Rent, Dear Evan Hansen, Legally Blonde, Galavant, Hamilton, A Star Is Born, Frozen 2

15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17/18/19.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

2018: I worked on two film shoots and I got promoted at work

2019: I stayed in touch with friends I made on a film shoot, and I got a boyfriend

 16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

2019: Rocketman

 17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18/19/20 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

2018: Find myself

2019: Find a new job

 18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18/19/20, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

2018: Maybe that Israel birthright thing

2019: Maybe Ireland or Amsterdam

 19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

2018: Forgetting or never quite learning how to work hard. That and not asking a cute guy out in time

2019: Not buying that moonstone necklace

 20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18/19/20 than 2015/16/17/18/19?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

2018: I hope so and I think so

2019: I sure hope so

21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

2018: I made some new ones, and kinda stopped being friends with some of my old roommates

2019: I think I got closer to some friends

22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

2018: The film shoots

2019: Dating my boyfriend

23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

2018: I got chocolate mousse and presents and I didn’t even know what I wanted

2019: I got cake and presents including one thing I wanted

24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2016: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

2018: I maybe lost some of my hope in my love life and felt more set in my ways

2019: I don’t have as much FOMO but I’m also getting more frustrated with my life

CONFESSIONS

Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017) and I’m running out of formats so CAPS (2018) and *star (2019)

In the year 2015/2016/2017/2018/2019 I confess that I….

KISSED SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE. *DID SOMETHING I REGRET. *Painted a picture. *Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. RAN A MILE. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. *GAINED A NEW FRIEND. Gained a new best friend. *Visited a foreign country. *LIED. *HAD A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS. *HAD A SECRET/KEPT A SECRET. Realized my homosexuality. REALIZED MY BISEXUALITY. (OR AT LEAST QUESTIONED IT) Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. *Broke a promise. *Slept under the stars. *STAYED UP TILL SUNRISE. *PUSHED SOMEONE AWAY. *Got in a fight. SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. *ATTENDED A PARTY. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. *ATTENDED A CONCERT. *ATTENDED A MUSICAL. *TRAVELED TO ANOTHER CITY. *Broke someone’s heart. *Hiding something from someone. *MADE SOMEONE’S DAY. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. *Emotionally cheated on my significant other. Quit a job. GOT A NEW JOB. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. SAW THE METEOR SHOWER.

[midlifecrisisinplay-blog]

Where to begin...

So, I am not actually having a true, classic mid-life crisis. I have not purchased a Ducati motorcycle, I have not sought out a woman half my age, and I have not left my family. However, I am dealing with three “issues” that I consider an onset of a crisis, which just happens to be during my late thirties. 

The first is I crossed a personal red-line on my weight. Since returning to the USA 9 years ago, I’ve managed to gain 70 lbs. Seventy~! The source of course is a combination of a sedentary job, commuting by automobile, eating out at restaurants, trying to raise two small children, and going to grad school in the evenings after work. I’ve always been on the big side, broad shoulders, hockey player build, etc. But I have crossed a line I never dreamt of ever crossing. Looking at a picture from my wedding, I don’t even see that man anymore--I’ve got too much “padding”. No more, going to fix that for once and all.

The second is consumer debt. When I lived overseas I was really good about budgeting because I did not have access to credit cards as a foreigner. Upon returning to the USA I got in the habit of using credit cards. Frankly, its just easier, quicker, and I like that I can go back and review what I purchased. I tried going cash-only back in 2013 and it didn’t go well, it was a hassle and I hated always walking around with a pocket full of change. Even gas stations around here do not offer the discount for cash purchases, so I might as well at least get the gas points. While in grad school in the evenings I became more careless due to all of the nights of going to bed at 1 AM and waking up at 6 AM for my full-time job. I started down that road where one uses this month’s pay checks to pay off last month’s spending. It seems OK on paper, until life’s surprises hit. Now I’m in the whole $10,000. Ten Thousand!!!!

Finally, I really do not like my job. It sound great during the interview, but I can feel my brain cells just dying while I fly the desk at work. I did not go back and put all of that effort into graduate school in the evenings just to be bored. I need to make a leap and get back to mentally stimulating work.

FML.

So there it is, I have three problems that I need to get on top of and find resolution. Stay tuned to see how I dig myself out of this mess. I may not be the smartest, fastest, or fittest, but I have tenacity and will see it through this mess I’ve made.

[httpskihyun]

22 november 2017

dear kihyun,

my baby!! my angel!! my entire world!! i miss you so so much you don’t even know i’m literally rotting in my seat as i’m typing i’m so anxious and slightly sad but at the same time so in LOVE because of YOU! hhh this is the most informal piece of shit i’ve probably ever gonna write so i might as well make it cringy too 1!!1! firstly i’m incredibly anxious because i go on fucking school camp/hike tomorrow where i’ll spend 5 days climbing mountains with a 20kg+ pack and endless walking each day (apparently the total length is gonna be 60km fml) but whatever :’)) then i’m so sad because i miss your birthday and so many other things i won’t be able to see ur face smiling laughing enjoying your time with everyone else it feels like i’m being stabbed in the heart but i can always watch it when i get back right …

so now let’s take a quick road trip back in time and i’ll try my best to recount how exactly you suddenly became my ult huhuhu … so i started getting into monsta x after newton but i knew you since debut bc my friend is a massive fan of yours so she made me watch some of your stuff haha :D my first bias was hyungwon and i still love him to bits of course! then i had a little existential crisis and practically stanned 4 people at once (at least i’m not ashamed of admitting it /coughs) and most recently before you it was hoseok! i still love him too but i reckon it was rewatching all the music videos and hearing your gorgeous gorgeous voice soothe my mind and my heart … you kinda just dragged me into a never ending pit of Kihyun but i feel kinda proud i fell into your trap before dramarama like everyone else did hahaha :’’’)) alternatively it was your pink hair because i’m a sucker for you being all cute :(( or actually it could’ve been when i discovered the cure to my entire life aka kiho i’m actually trash but ur just so pERFECT NEXT TO HIM HOW

i wish you knew how many times i’ve dozed off in class thinking about you Would You Stop Doing That Please! i’m kidding i think i’m at the point where i’m willing to sacrifice my grades for you HAHA don’t tell my parents but i love you so much? this is crazy?? i’m going crazy??? also this is random but i forgot to talk about your lisp i’m listening to one more step and i keep hearing your lisp and eeee you are the Cutest your lisp is so perfect please don’t look down on yourself for having one because it’s beautiful and it just makes me love you so much more Mister Yoo (i cringed writing that give me a break). you look unbelievably good like a 3 cours- no a 6 course meal i can’t believe i only have like 300 pictures of you on my laptop/phone i must expand my collection vastly hopefully it’ll come with time (also rip my laptop is already out of storage 24/7 the fuck do i do) i gotta say although your pink hair was a killer i love your natural hair colours too especially black and brown and blonde can we just taLK ABOUT STUCK ERA FOR A SECOND i changed my mind i think watching stuck is what transformed me into who i am today who the fuck let you style your hair like that every time i see pictures of That Hair i bust a colossal nut you also know you looked good why was your aim to kill everyone who looked at you??

let’s not forget you cooking oh dear miss emily here has ascended to heaven just thinking about your cooking vlives just you rolling up your sleeve is enough to send my soul into self-destruct mode who the heck let you ever enter the kitchen in the first place i don’t even truST YOU WITH KNIVES you obvious don’t know what you’re doing but you’re so damn cute doing it anyways so i just have to love you god damnit!!! your actually the cutest and so funny too you told everyone to not wear white shirts when cooking but guess what you wore a white shirt in each of your cooking vlives i’ve never wanted to punch you that badly in my entire life jesus christ pLEASE. also never again let minhyuk cook with you a whole onion just doesn’t belong in the spaghetti you assholes.

right so another reason why i look up to you is how you love all the other members! i don’t want to label you as the “mother” of monsta x i mean i see it but at the same time i slightly disagree with it but you just spread so much love every time you smile or hug the other members their faces light up they know you love them and they love you back you’re just so sweet!!! you care for them so much and i’m so grateful i don’t think monsta x would be monsta x without you so thank you for bringing your personality and your unique qualities into the group. don’t change because other people want you to and stay true to who you are because you are wonderful.

one of my biggest regrets is not making the effort to go to kcon aus. i probably could’ve gone … but i didn’t think it would be worth it and in the end it would’ve been hard to find friends who could go anyways. you looked so good that weekend i sincerely hope you had a great time in australia and even consider coming back for a concert if you’re planning any tours in the upcoming years! i swear to god just hearing concert experiences from friends makes me cry on the inside they all tell me you’re tiny irl and i’m tiny too but i can’t imagine you being too small but again you always seem to prove me wrong so i guess the only way to find out and fulfil my curiosity would be to see you in real life and i would definitely attend any concert you’re in man i wish i were lying when i say i would work every bit of my body off to pay for vip tickets and whatever else just so i can see you in real life. i already know my new years resolution for 2018 and that’s gonna be to get a fucking job, see monsta x live in concert and lasting continuing loving you until my heart explodes :)) your smile is so so beautiful my heart flutters every single time i see it it’s always the highlight of my day please continue to throw back your head and laugh it means so much that you’re happy! just the way your flash your teeth all the time and it’s so perfect and your tiny nose scrunch is the cuteST YOU’RE A BABY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!

i hope you get treated like the prince you are on your birthday and get lots of gifts and love because you deserve the most!! i’m so proud of you baby!!! when you go through hard times be optimistic even though it’s hard, but the end result will be worth it! please continue to love yourself and take care of yourself, your health and happiness is most important to me so please keep it up! you’re never gonna read this but if you ever come across kihyun antis kindly tell them to Back The Fuck Off or i will go over there myself and season their eyelids with salt and pepper ((: stay true to yourself, never give up (i know you won’t) and keep spreading your beautiful kindness! you’re the best man i’ve ever come across in my life and it’s honestly no longer a joke i love the shit out of you you occasionally rip my heart into pieces but that’s totally okay because in the end you manage to mend the pieces back together again <3 thank you so so much for existing it’s cheesy i know but my future just became so so brighter with you in it i won’t ever leave you i promise!! i’ll be here to support you whether the matter be small or enormous i love you my head is spinning i’m going to meet you i can feel it i’m gonna pour all my love onto you when i do and you’re going to be like What The Fuck who is this creep but i really hope it at least puts a smile on your face. i love you i love you i love you i hope you have the most wonderful birthday and i’m still punching myself because i’m the worst person ever because i’m missing it. i’ll be thinking of you on the 22nd, please be safe and stay lovely until then, i love you so much.

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

2018: Moved into the B Flat

  2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

2018: The music videos I did

  3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

2018: My film jobs and internships

  4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

2018: Same

  5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

2018: My great aunt died

  6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17/18.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

2018: Almost an adult

  7. What did you do in 2015/16/17/18 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

2018: Moved in with male roommates, did an internship

  8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous: Maybe? Overthink and strategize less: HA not really. Get a film job: Yes. Eat more vegetables: Maybe a little but still not enough. Go to the gym, like, ever: Yes. Read more: Kinda. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook: Not yet.

2019 resolutions: Get a boyfriend. Be more spontaneous and adventurous. Lose weight and eat better. Read more books. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook. Learn how to work hard. Spend more time with my friends. Love myself, and be someone I love. Carpe diem. Keep doing the moment calendar and journal. Earn more money than I spend. Travel. Discover new music. Try new creative things. Believe in myself. Learn to be a leader. Watch more movies. Think about other people. Learn how to make mistakes.

  9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

2018: Went to Las Vegas for a film shoot

10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18/19 that you lacked in 2015/16/17/18?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

2018: Still a boyfriend lmao

 11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

2018: It’s always good to try to better yourself and it gives you motivation to do it

 12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17/18 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

2018: Boys I like having girlfriends

 13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17/18 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

2018: Not really, but maybe my youth went too fast

 14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17/18? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

2018: A bunch of musicals

 15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17/18.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

2018: I worked on two film shoots and I got promoted at work

  16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

2018: A Star Is Born

  17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18/19 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

2018: Find myself

  18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18/19, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

2018: Maybe that Israel birthright thing

  19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17/18?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

2018: Forgetting or never quite learning how to work hard. That and not asking a cute guy out in time

  20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18/19 than 2015/16/17/18?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

2018: I hope so and I think so

 21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

2018: I made some new ones, and kinda stopped being friends with some of my old roommates

22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

2018: The film shoots

23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

2018: I got chocolate mousse and presents and I didn’t even know what I wanted

24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2016: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

2018: I maybe lost some of my hope in my love life and felt more set in my ways

CONFESSIONS

Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017) and I’m running out of formats so CAPS (2018)

In the year 2015/2016/2017 I confess that I….

KISSED SOMEONE I HAVE NEVER KISSED BEFORE. DID SOMETHING I REGRET. Painted a picture. Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. RAN A MILE. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. GAINED A NEW FRIEND. Gained a new best friend. Visited a foreign country. LIED. HAD A FIGHT WITH MY PARENTS. HAD A SECRET/KEPT A SECRET. Realized my homosexuality. REALIZED MY BISEXUALITY. (OR AT LEAST QUESTIONED IT) Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. Broke a promise. Slept under the stars. STAYED UP TILL SUNRISE. PUSHED SOMEONE AWAY. Got in a fight. SLEPT WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER. ATTENDED A PARTY. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. ATTENDED A CONCERT. ATTENDED A MUSICAL. TRAVELED TO ANOTHER CITY. Broke someone’s heart. Hiding something from someone. MADE SOMEONE’S DAY. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. Emotionally cheated on my significant other. Quit a job. GOT A NEW JOB. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. SAW THE METEOR SHOWER.

[flirting-with-psychology]

REFLECTIONS Answer the following questions:

What is the single best thing that happened in the past year?

2015:  The beginning of the fall semester when I grew a lot more confidence

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Graduated

   2. What is the most challenging thing that happened to you in 2015/16/17?

2015: Getting over Marble maybe

2016: Getting over Hawaii

2017: Making my 4500 film

   3. What thing did you learn the most from this year?

2015: Hawaii and Marble

2016: My film class

2017: Also my film class

   4. What is the kindest thing you did this year?

2015:  I don’t think I’m the one to ask, you’d have to ask people who perceived kindness

2016: Same

2017: Same

   5. Did you lose any close family member this year?

2015: Nope

2016: No

2017: No

   6. Pick three words to describe 2015/16/17.

2015: A learning experience

2016: Single, senior, band

2017: Senior to graduate

   7. What did you do in 2015/16/17 that you never did before?

2015: Got further than I ever had in my love life

2016: Studied abroad

2017: Moved into a house with roommates

   8. Did you keep last year’s resolutions? What were they?

2015: Here we go. Put one happy moment from each day into a jar: YES. Go to the gym regularly: Doing better but still could use improvement. Get a summer job: Yes. Make an effort to eat breakfast: Haha nope. Make an effort to look pretty: About the same as last year. Talk to people more and appear more confident: Yes. Find things to be excited about: Not as much as I want. Find a boyfriend: NOPE. Write more: Not really. Read more: Maybe a little. Have adventures: Some, but not as much as I would like. Initiate things: Yes. Use “I” more: Yes. Be less mean to myself: Yes. Overthink less: No, still working on that. Be proud of myself for trying my best but accept not being perfect: I guess. Take responsibility: More. Be positive and enthusiastic: Still working on it. Carpe diem: Not enough.

2016: I can’t remember lol

2017: I can’t remember what I wrote. Here’s what I’ll do: write my 2018 resolutions so that when I reblog this next year I will know:

2018: Be more adventurous. Overthink and strategize less. Get a film job. Eat more vegetables. Go to the gym, like, ever. Read more. Finish my Harry Potter spellbook.

   9. Did you travel to any interesting places in 2015/16/17?

2015: Went to Las Vegas for my birthday and California with the band and Kentucky to see Paul McCartney.

2016: Went to Italy, went on band trips to California and Texas

2017: Went to London with my mom, went to New Orleans for my cousin’s wedding and hooked up with my 6th grade crush, went to Wyoming for the solar eclipse

 10. What would you like to have in 2016/17/18 that you lacked in 2015/16/17?

2015: A BOYFRIEND HAHAHA

2016: Still a boyfriend lmao fml

2017: Still a boyfriend but one that I feel satisfied with. I’m not sure if I’m there with Guacamole. Also he’s not even my boyfriend yet

  11. Do you even believe in new year’s resolutions? Why or why not?

2015: I think they are a good idea, for reflection as much as goals.

2016: Maybe. Idk

2017: Yeah it’s a good idea

  12. Do you believe that 2015/16/17 had an reoccurring theme for you? If so, which theme and why?

2015: No more than any other year really

2016: More like my entire life has a recurring theme of being single af

2017: Not really

  13. Do you feel like 2015/16/17 went by too fast?

2015: No

2016: It went a little fast, especially now that I’m about to graduate

2017: Not really

  14. Did you fall in love with any new artists during the year 2015/16/17? List them.

2015: I fell back in love with Taylor Swift

2016: Collabro

2017: Anastasia the Musical cast, and Hamilton is growing on me

  15. Brag about two of your accomplishments in 2015/16/17.

2015: I made a couple cool music videos, and I lost some weight after increasing my gym attendance.

2016: I made a short film, Pancakes, with a full crew. I got straight A’s in the spring.

2017: I graduated and I made another short film

   16. What was your favorite movie that came out this year?

2015: The Martian

2016: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

2017: Coco

   17. Fill in the blank: In 2016/17/18 I will ____________.

2015: Get the confidence back that I had in the fall

2016: Graduate college

2017: Start looking for film jobs

   18. If you could fly anywhere in the world in 2016/17/18, where would you go?

2015: Italy, and I plan to!

2016: London, and I plan to

2017: Scotland or Ireland, and I don’t have any plans to

   19. What was your biggest regret of 2015/16/17?

2015: Worrying about the future when I had something good rather than just enjoying it

2016: Not trying enough in making friends and making the most out of it

2017: Maybe not getting quite enough out of college

   20. Do you think you’ll be having a better 2016/17/18 than 2015/16/17?

2015: I hope so

2016: I hope so

2017: I hope so

  21. Did you make any new friends this year? Lose any friends?

2015: I got closer with some friends :)

2016: I made some new band and film friends. One of my friends from freshman year died.

2017: I almost lost a friend but now we seem to be friends again. I also made some new ones

 22. What was the biggest adventure of the last year?

2015: Hawaii, I think

2016: Studying abroad

2017: Moving out and starting to adult

 23. Did you get cake on your birthday? Presents? What you wanted?

2015: Yeah I went to Vegas which was cool! Got cake and alcohol and presents

2016: I did not get cake but I got IHOP. I got presents, and the football team won the game that day sending us to the PAC 12 Championship

2017: I got pancakes, presents, and maybe I’m starting to get what I wanted?

 24. How much did you change this year? What’s different about you?

2016: Not too much has changed but I think I’m prettier, more confident, braver, and value bravery more.

2016: I’m lazier, gained back the weight that I lost last year, and lost some of the confidence from last year. Wow…

2017: I’m not a student anymore

CONFESSIONS Bold the statements that are true (2015) and cross out (2016) and italicize (2017)

In the year 2015/2016/2017 I confess that I….

Kissed someone I never kissed before. Did something I regret. Painted a picture. Dyed my hair. Got a new haircut I thought I’d never get before. Wrote a poem. Graduated from High School. Graduated from College. Applied for Graduate School. Ran a mile. Ate much healthier. Ended toxic friendships. Gained a new friend. Gained a new best friend. Visited a foreign country. Lied. Had a fight with my parents. Had a secret/kept a secret. Realized my homosexuality. Realized my bisexuality. Realized my pansexuality. Realized my asexuality. Broke a promise. Slept under the stars. Stayed up until sunrise. Pushed someone away. Got in a fight. Slept with someone other than my significant other. Attended a party. Got dumped. Got a new piercing/tattoo. Learned that I wasn’t cis gender. Drank underage/used illegal substances. Attended a concert. Attended a musical. Traveled to another city. Broke someone’s heart. Hiding something from someone. Made someone’s day. Cheated on a test/homework. Physically cheated on my significant other. Emotionally cheated on my significant other. Quit a job. Got a new job. Learned to hate someone I thought I never would. Learned to be more patient. Saw the supermoon. Saw the meteor shower.