#Until one starts the world anew and creates a whole new society. with himself as the center of it all (naturally)

[mizumonohomo]

my brain is trying to manufacture a locked tomb and hannibal crossover in case youre wondering where im at

[chaoswillfallrpg]

MOLLY PREWETT is TWENTY-SEVEN YEARS OLD and the JUNIOR UNDERSECRETARY to THE MINISTER FOR MAGIC at THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC. She looks remarkably like LILLY DREESEN considers herself aligned with THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX. She is currently OPEN.

→ OVERVIEW:

The Prewett House is an established name in the wizarding community and this comes with high expectations and status. LUELLA married ADGER PREWETT when they were only twenty-one and soon after, the nurturing and kind Molly Prewett was adopted. The Prewett Estate contained a modest but elaborate mansion, a small garden and a quaint greenhouse. Adger Prewett worked in the ministry as the captain of the accidental magic reversal squad whilst Luella Prewett ran a healer shop in Diagon Alley. Molly grew up lavishly, and even when her mother gave birth to twins, a gene that seemed to run through the Prewett family as Adger had a twin himself, there was enough wealth to go around. Being part of The Sacred Twenty-Eight, the Prewetts were often invited to grand parties hosted by the House of Black, which Adger and Luella politely accepted. This often left Molly at home to care for her younger brothers, FABIAN and GIDEON which she did not mind at all as her brothers had become her best friends and found herself to be quite nurturing. As they all got older, they were soon invited to attend such events at their parent’s side and met many other prestigious houses along with their heirs, such as EVAN ROSIER and MARIANNE MACMILLAN. At first, Molly was shy and retracted, she wasn’t used to unfamiliar faces and she couldn’t read others as well as she could read her brothers, she wasn’t sure what was expected of her. Soon, however, thanks to the kindness of her new friends, she opened up and discovered that many of them were either going to be attending Hogwarts or had already completed their first year. 

Knowing that there would be familiar faces when she would attend Hogwarts eased her nerves as the summer came to an end and her first day at Hogwarts grew nearer. She had become very comfortable in the Prewett Mansion, she knew every nook and cranny, she knew when her brothers were lying or when they were up to no good. She was used to falling asleep to the Tales of Beedle and Bard and waking up to the sunlight streaming into her cosy room. She wasn’t ready to leave that all behind to move into an old castle, a new room and to be surrounded by an ocean of people that she didn’t know at all. However, as much as this scared her, she couldn’t help but also feel enticed by the idea. A chance to really learn how to use her magic, a chance to explore who she really was without having to worry about what her brothers were getting up too and a chance to build greater connections with her new friends. Molly was soon sorted into Hufflepuff House and was greeted with open arms by the rest of her house, becoming best friends with fellow Hufflepuffs, NATAN DIGGORY and AYA FAWCETT. She grew to love Hogwarts and studied hard, her best subjects being charms and herbology, which was mostly due to her mother’s childhood teaching of different medicinal herbs and magical plants. This, however, did not stop her from knowing how to party, especially when her mischievous brothers were the ones hosting. As she grew older she surrounded herself with people she was proud to call her friends. Molly settled into quite a large friendship group consisting of a gaggle of Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and fellow Hufflepuffs. 

Molly was the mum friend, constantly trying to bake and cure her friend’s hangovers as they lovingly accepted to tried to bat her away. It was through this group and sly introduction from her best friend, she met Aya’s childhood friend ARTHUR WEASLEY. A funny boy who liked Muggle things, Molly became quite taken with him and the pair quickly began dating, becoming quite the item in their little group of friends. Little did Molly know that these connections she formed would last so much longer than Hogwarts and grow into friendships she couldn’t have even imagined. After Hogwarts, Molly had grown into a very talented and confident witch, a very different person compared to her younger shy self. She didn’t really have a career plan in mind, she dabbled in the idea of taking over the healer shop from her mother one day as that was her summer job and she adored helping others and listening to the mystical and sometimes horrific stories of how her patients had obtained their injuries. However, Molly began to crave more, help more, and to be more. Arthur suggested she worked in the ministry and when the position for junior undersecretary to the Minister for Magic, MILLICENT BAGNOLD opened, she pounced at the opportunity. After an interview and an intensive aptitude test, Molly was awarded the position. She was extremely excited about the opportunity and took the job very seriously. She began to work closely under THIEBAUT LESTRANGE, who was her lovely yet stern mentor. The position allowed Molly to sit in many official ministry meetings and attend multiple VIP ministry events. 

Her work consumed her and she really enjoyed it, she loved being part of something bigger that had the power to change the wizarding world into something better, a safer and inclusive place for all. Molly knew that not everyone shared her perspective, but she instantly bonded with those that did. As the years passed, the shadows within the Ministry seemed to grow darker and the cracks in the shimmering marble only seemed to deepen. The meetings that Molly attended adopted a sombre tone as reports of mysterious killings gradually increased and pressure was placed on the ministry to take greater action. The dark circles under Thiebaut’s eyes indicated how weary the powerful man had become and Molly couldn’t imagine how the Minister must have felt. Press conferences took negative turns out of nowhere and gossips such as RITA SKEETER seemed to find their way into the ministry like an annoying leak during a storm. Molly felt the pressure herself and was loaded with more and more paperwork, Thiebaut often handing off his own work onto Molly so that he could handle more pressing issues. Molly didn’t mind this at all and knew that if she hoped to be the senior undersecretary someday she’d need to learn how to cope with it all. Her work life put pressure on her home life and she began to lose contact with her brothers and parents. She stopped attending family dinners and the famous Fabian-Gideon parties at the Prewett mansion, she politely declined dinner invitations and after-work martinis. 

Her close friends constantly checked up on her, either bringing her a fresh cup of coffee or insisting on having lunch. If it weren’t for Arthur, who was stubbornly supportive and insisted on breaks, she would have probably burnt herself out. Molly was ambitious and dedicated and had given her all to the job. She still strongly believed in the current ministry staff and her own vision of creating a better world for all. Her relationship with Arthur was one of the only constants in her life and she adored him with her whole heart. When he proposed she accepted without hesitation. Her life felt washed anew, and although she knew she’d spend the rest of her life with Arthur, she was ready to start this new stage of life with him. However, not everyone was as supportive of their engagement. Whilst Fabian and Gideon were ecstatic, her parents were not. They had tolerated her fantasy of being in a relationship with someone from a blood traitor family but had hoped she’d find enlightenment and move on. The engagement was a step too far, and it was promptly announced that she was no longer their daughter. Molly didn’t know if they acted out of anger or if her decision had truly made them lose love for her, but she was too proud and sure of herself to beg them to change their mind. The two took out a loan from Gringott’s and purchased a plot of land in the countryside with a single, small Tudor homestead located just off the banks of a picturesque river. She adored it and couldn’t help envision what a family would look like growing up there. The home was small but they could always add onto it assured Arthur and Molly adored the idea. 

The newly-engaged pair began to host dinner parties in their new home and spent countless nights under the stars enjoying a picnic with friends or stargazing together. Although the attacks got worse and murmurs of a war began to float around and echo through the Ministry, Molly now had a magical place of her own to escape too. It wasn’t until a small dinner party with Fabian, Gideon and their friends LAUREL LINWOOD and TRYSTAN WARRINGTON that Molly had heard about the Order of the Phoenix. Her brothers admitted that they had recently joined and Arthur along with Alice and Frank filled her in with the fact that they too, were part of the order. Molly was taken aback by the information and that her fiance was in a secret society that seemed to be taking the law into its own hands. At first, she felt lied to and betrayed by Arthur, but once they had explained what the order was and who had orchestrated the idea, she found herself more accepting of the concept. She did, however, believe that the ministry was truly doing it’s best and that through their hard work, they were the best chance the wizarding community had against fighting a rising dark wizard and preventing a chaotic war. She politely declined their request to join the Order but agreed to keep an eye and ear out for any information that could keep Arthur, her brothers and best friends safe. She also vowed to herself that if she caught wind of any corruption within the ministry that she would stop at nothing to get to the bottom of it. Molly Prewett may be kind, nurturing and dedicated but she was also loyal and fierce, a woman to reckon with. 

→ ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:

Blood Status → Pure-Blood

Pronouns → She/Her

Identification → Cis Female 

Sexuality  → Up to Roleplayer

Relationship Status → Engaged to Arthur Weasley 

Previous Education → Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Hufflepuff)

Societies → TBD

Family → Adger Prewett (father), Luella Prewett (mother), Gideon Prewett (brother), Fabian Prewett (brother)

Connections  → Arthur Weasley (fiancé/best friend), Aya Fawcett (best friend), Natan Diggory (best friend), Mafalda Hopkirk (close friend), Daisy Hookum (close friend), Keira Grey (close friend), Jennifer Vane (close friend), Laurel Linwood (close friend), Trystan Warrington (close friend), Constance Song (close friend), Giva Patil (colleague/friend), Amos Diggory (friend), Natasha DuPont (boss), Millicent Bagnold (boss)

Future Information → Future Member of the Order of the Pheonix, Wife of Arthur Weasley, Mother of William, Charlie, Percy, Fred, George, Ronald and Ginevera Weasley

MOLLY PREWETT IS A LEVEL 7 WITCH.

[plumbersnullvoid]

A Brief History of the Null Void

(( ~ OOC: This is the fanon history of the Null Void as it pertains to this blog and the tie-in fan fiction “Elevator Monologue” which can be read on AO3. ~ ))

...

The Null Void is a pocket dimension that exists outside of, but right next to real space. It was first discovered by Galvan explorer thousands of years ago. Galvan leadership decided that the best use for this new discovery was as a penal colony. 

Criminals, both native born Galvans and alien alike were sent to the Null Void to live out their sentences removed from the rest of society and real space as a whole. 

For some, this was the worst fate. Banished to another dimension, never to see families or friends again. Set adrift in a harsh and unforgiving landscape. 

While others saw it as an opportunity. A way to make their own life in their own world. To start anew with no history or baggage to weight them down. A literal clean slate. In this new world to settle. 

And settle it they did. 

The Null Void settlers were responsible for the main agricultural advancement in the Null Void. 

Light is scarce in the Null Void, and fresh water even more so. Still, the Null Void settlers managed to yield a crop with enough nutritional value to sustain themselves. After several harvests, they managed to prefect the growing process enough to produce a surplus that could be traded with others. 

But not everyone sent to the Null Void was as self-reliant or community oriented as the Settlers. There were still always those whom would rather simple take rather than trade. 

As a solution to this problem, the Galvan leadership, the ones who’s decision it was to use the Null Void as a penal colony in the first place, created the Null Guardians. 

Artificially created lifeforms to act as watch dogs and protect the Settlers trying to make a new life for themselves. 

As time went on and other planets and races discovered the Null Void, they started sending their own criminals and degenerates to the pocket dimension. The Null Void became a melting pot of different races, languages, cultures, and customs. Differed codes of ethics, and concepts of morality. 

Eventually, it became too complicated for the simplified minds of the Null Guardians to maintain and the Plumbers had to step in. 

They set up a prison in the Null Void. 

Incarcecon.

No longer should planets or Plumbers just be throwing criminals in the Null Void casually. Now defendants must be tried, judged, and sent to a prison where they could be kept away from the now-natives of the Null Void that just want to live their lives unmolested. 

Incarcecon was a way to bring some version of order and safety to the Null Void. All run and maintained under Plumber purview. 

But even Plumbers are not above corruption. 

It was discovered that Incarcecon was built on top of a natural deposit of a unique mineral native to the Null Void. When ground down into a fine powder and inhaled, it would induce visions, hallucinations, and dreamsttates. Such a drug would sell very well on the intergalactic black market. A prison guard by the name of Morgg recognized this and staged a coup. 

He took over the prison. Killed a number of inmates during the initial fight. Replaced all the other guards with robots loyal to him. And installed himself as Warden. In control now, Morgg converted Incarcecon from a prison into a forced labor camp. Using the existing inmates and any new inmates that were teleported in as slaves to mine his product. 

This went largely unnoticed and unchecked by the Plumbers back in real space until Kevin 11,000 (whom was then known as “Ultimate Kevin”) returned to Incarcecon to exact revenge on Morgg for killing an inmate close to him. With Kevin came the Hero of the Universe, Ben 10,000 (whom was then still only “Ben 10″). Events unfolded as events involving Ben 10,000 usually do. The corrupt Warden was deposed and the inmates took over the compound. 

Incarcecon still stands today. But it goes by the name the Free Fortress and the same inmates who once called it a prison now call it “home”.

Around the same time as Incarcecon’s slave labor, another Plumbers project was going on in the Null Void. 

The Null Void was so full of different species and races, different languages and dialects, different cultures and customs, a project of Cultural Sensitivity began. A team called the Rooters and lead by a Proctor ranked Plumber by the name Hector Servantis. 

They were the first Plumbers unit to be based in the Null Void. 

But they were not without their fair share of corruption.

Not long after the formation of the project, Proctor Servantis learned of a powerful piece of Galvan tech, arguably the most dangerous weapon in the known universe... and this advanced technology was given to a child. An Earthling child of the age of ten. 

Human children that young should not be given that kind of responsibility. Human children that young were still learning right from wrong. In the hands of a child, the Omnitrix could un-make the universe. 

Servantis switched his mission goal from cultural sensitivity and mediation to something entirely different and not at all in alignment with his original mission statement. 

In the end, not much came of the Rooters plans. 

Eventually, the Magistrata was made aware of what Servantis was doing and confiscated his base, stripped Servantis and his Rooters of their ranks and privileges, and banished the team to the same Null Void they had abandoned. 

No longer Plumbers, the Rooters became just another band of criminals sentenced to live out their remaining days in the Null Void.

And the Null Void was not as safe as it used to be. 

Not to imply that the Null Void was ever “safe” to begin with. But, it had increased in dangers in recent years -mainly since Ben 10,000 (then “Ben 10″) began throwing his enemies into it without formal trial or sentencing. 

Most notable of these dangers are the Mutant To’kustar, commonly referred to as “Way Bads”. 

The Way Bads continue to be a problem, as do the Rooters that the Magistrata left to wander the Void unsupervised. 

In an attempt to solve these new issues, a new plan was implemented. Not another prison or a covert team to operate autonomously, but a proper Plumbers base, same as any outpost in any star system in real space. 

A Plumbers Headquarters here in the Null Void. 

Plumbers HQ-NV.

Currently, the base and corresponding Plumbers officers are running under the leadership of Magister Rook Blonko, a Revonnahgander from Revonnah. 

Magister Rook is the former partner of the famous Hero of the Universe, Ben 10,000 and has lots of experience mediating difficult situations. 

However, there is a rumor floating around that another change in the Null Void’s Plumbers leadership is in the works...

[queerasart-blog]

弟の夫-OTOUTO NO OTTO | Issue 1

弟���夫-OTOUTO NO OTTO, explaining homosexuality to modern Japan and the world through art by Elissa About Merhi

Art and literature always had multiple goals. One can write to make peace with oneself, as much as to make peace with others. Through art, messages can be spread, and with those, understandings and clarifications can be done. The LGBT community is one of those communities who suffered - from disdain, from hatred, and from obliviousness as well. It’s easy to turn your eyes away from something you do not comprehend, you do not feel linked to ; it’s easy, but deeply wrong. In all times, art was there to pinpoint those issues one likes to turn its back to. And, Gengoroh Tagame too, is one of those who used art as a way to speak up -speak up in a cold Japan, where the LGBT community is still largely taboo.

An LGBT initiatory manga for a frozen Japan

Gengoroh Tagame’s reputation is not one of the purest there is in Japan. Mostly known for his rated R mangas, the Japanese artist has a tendency for gore, BSDM and bearish yaoi*. Difficult in that situation to start anew with an initiatory manga, named Otouto no Otto. Still, that is the exact reason why the artist started this project: if his past mangas were written for a specific part of the readership, this new one is aimed at a much larger scale. People from all ages, all horizons and situations can gain something from it. His goal, here, is to define the LGBT community to everyone, to show all the flaws of modern Japan concerning that matter, for he had suffered from them. For this reason, the manga is for once not published in a gay magazine but in a seinen* magazine.

Japan, despite being one of the most open asian country towards LGBT issues, is still holding a clear apprehension against them. As of today, Japan only delivers a “same-sex partnerships certificate” in some governments, such as Shibuya and Setagaya, two wards in Tokyo, which gives same-sex couples some rights, notably for hospital’ visits or renting flats. In July 2016, Naha, the capital of Okinawa Prefecture, should be the first whole city to give the previously stated certificate. Celebrities and politics are oddly quiet about the matter. The overall position of the country is slightly in favour of the same-sex marriage, mostly due to the union of the only well-known LGBT couple, TV personality Ayaka Ichinose and actress Akane Sugimori. Thus, if yaoi and yuri are a huge part of the “Japanese phenomenon” and are somewhat popular, if the LGBT history is huge, the actual rights of the LGBT community are strictly limited in Japan. And that’s where artists come in the game.

With his last manga, Otouto no Otto, Gengoroh Tagame’s goal is to promote LGBT rights by helping this part of the society, who does not truly comprehend the community, gain some knowledge. By getting more informations, one starts understanding, and by understanding, accepting, and helping towards even more acceptance. This manga is thus a manga of acceptance, progress - and it coldly pinpoints all the flaws in modern Japan, which can largely be expanded to the rest of the world.

Explaining, loving, accepting... a whole process

Otouto no Otto has a simple plot, as always with Gengoroh Tagame. The focus is mostly made on the issues he is trying to share. It’s the story of a father of a little girl, Kana, who sees his brother- in-law, Mike, come back from Canada after the death of his husband. This simple, linear plot, is however the starting point of a whole lot of important issues. The Japanese artist in fact deals with homosexuality, of course, but also mixed-race marriage, family acceptance, children’s point of views and parents’ prejudges. Despite its looks, it’s thus an artwork filled with important matters and dealing with them in a way that makes people understand all there is to comprehend.

When Mike, his brother-in- law, comes back from Canada, Yaichi-san is struck by different feelings: having to accept the homosexuality of his brother, which he hadn’t seen since he left for Canada, as a clear proof had appeared, having also to deal with the questions of his little girl, Kana, who does not get what’s wrong about Mike - and here’s the deal. Nothing is wrong with him, and step by step, Yaichi-san is going to comprehend that. By living day after day with Mike, by realising that he’s like any other men, by seeing how Kana is free of any prejudges against him, his own views will start to change, despite being completely taken aback at first. The point shown by Gengoroh Tagame here is that by seeing something different at first, one may feel weirdly towards it, but time and feelings will grow that will make one change his mind and see normality where it should reside.

If the beginning of the story is mostly about the trio, whilst they get to understand one another and get used to each others’ differences, hints about the LGBT situation in Japan are dropped, until they become a huge part of the story. As Yaichi-san accepts more and more homosexuality, he realises things that are being said and done in Japan that are not tolerable towards the LGBT community ; things such as realising he presented Mike as a friend of his brother in the beginning, whereas now he sees how degrading that is for their relationship, the love they shared, but also realising how Kana, his daughter, might one day be suffering from all that taboo surrounding homosexuality in Japan. By pinpointing all those little things, Gengoroh Tagame slowly draws a portray of modern Japan, full of hypocrisy towards the society, influencing the smaller ones.

Educating the oldest for the younger to shine

What stroke me as being the main message in Gengoroh Tagame’s work, is the weight of adults’ prejudges. The character of Kana, the small daughter, is the one thanks to whom everything is slowly changing. Her open-mind and her clear of any pre-conceived feelings’ opinion are fundamental. She is pure, untainted, and the way she gets homosexuality as one of the most normal things ever is mind changing for her dad. Here, the Japanese artist clearly shows us how adults are the one dropping bad intentions into kids’ pure vision of the world.

Kana, the youngest in the story, makes no differences between her new uncle and the husband of her aunt - they’re both the husband of someone. They’re both in love. They’re both family. And that’s all that matters. Mike is her uncle’s husband, just like her uncle is Mike’s husband. There’s no wife in the matter, they’re each others husbands. And a lesson as simple as that is somewhat difficult for some adults to comprehend - their tainted mind jump on the conclusion and will always wonder, who acts as the wife between the two? who’s the one holding the family together? if it’s a lesbian couple. Despite also being misogynistic, these kind of thoughts are due to the sexualisation of adults’ mind. A kid will simply wonder if they love each others, if they’re happy - and it’s the reaction of the adults that may provoke their rejection. By seeing her kid reacting positively to Mike, homosexuality, getting interested, thrilled, Yaichi-san can only but realise as well how many prejudges he held.

Having a kid and getting acquainted with the LGBT community also leads to another question, which Gengoroh Tagame also writes about: the sexuality of our child. If Yaichi-san would have never conceived having a gay child, whilst getting more and more accustomed to the community and accepting it, coming to love it, the other natural reaction is how to create a safe world for my child to grow in? The artist here shows that despite the looks, despite the taboo that make it seems like “it’s alright, but no one simply talks about it”, LGBT is not well seen and will mean bullying, suffering, difficulties. Coming to realise that this is wrong and things need to be done is the first step towards a welcoming and accepting society.

And that’s the main goal of the author. Opening up the LGBT community, showing all the flaws of their acceptance in today’s society, and by pinpointing all that, addressing a message to all the readers as to what to do, now. And that is, loving, accepting, acting in such way that the LGBT people will be safe, wherever they are, whatever their age. Literature, art, in all its form, is thus a way to educate people. By kind drawings, by heart wrenching stories and images, by creating a situation in which everyone can recognise itself, Gengoroh Tagame uses his art for one of the most beautiful purpose: to create acceptance and love. To create a world where he can be at peace with himself, by making peace with others. As sad as it is to think that in the 21st century we still need that type of literature, the LGBT community can only but spread that positivity, for it to reach the maximum of people; thus creating a safe place, for safe love.

Get to know more:

http://www.japantrends.com/japanese-celebrity-lesbian-couple-marry-wedding-ayaka-ichinose-akane-sugimori/

http://www.japantrends.com/shibuya-recognizing-same-sex-couples-gay/ 

http://www.japantrends.com/setagaya-ward-tokyo-recognize- same-sex-couples/ 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Same-sex_marriage_in_Japan 

http:// gaijintokyoundergound2.blogspot.fr/2014/10/interview-gengoroh- tagame-on-his-new.html (this is a transcription of an interview with Gengoroh Tagame

[godsandvillainsrpg-blog]

Congratulations, TERRY! You have been accepted as MAXIMILIANO MANCINI.

Note from Admin Jade: If a slippery creature has every roamed this earth, it’s Max Mancini — and Terry, you captured his essence so well that I couldn’t contain my ear-to-ear smile by the end of your sample. You showed me every aspect that defines who he is — from the overpowering ego to the way he’ll tell you what you need to hear with a smile on his lips before literally stabbing you in the back.. Or in this case, pushing you off a balcony. You did such an amazing job of showing us exactly where his priorities lie — with himself, because everyone else is expendable. Max is a dangerous player in this game, and I’ve got a feeling he’ll be even more so in your hands. I can’t wait to see where his ambitions take him with you behind the wheel!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: Let us know your name, alias, or whatever you’d like to be addressed as.

Terry

Age: There is no age limit for this group, but we ask that all applicants ensure they’re comfortable with mature themes.

30

Preferred Pronouns: All OOC pronouns will be added to our masterlist.

He or They pronouns

Timezone: All timezones will be added to our masterlist.

Eastern

Activity Level: Describe in words how active you believe you’ll be able to be.

I’m more prone to work during the afternoon/evening almost every day so I’m unable to be “on” during that time. Other than that I’m aiming to be active always at some point.

Triggers: All players’ triggers will be added to our triggers page and must be tagged accordingly.

REMOVED

Anything Else? If you’d like to request an approved FC change, please do so here.

Nope. Not really.

IN CHARACTER

Desired Character: Who are you hoping to portray?

Maximilano Mancini

Describe this character in your own words: Beyond what’s stated in the biography, who is this character to you? What aspects of their history and personality most shape them? Here is your opportunity to expand on what was provided in the bio and show us you know this character better than we do.

Some may call him a snake, in which he really doesn’t mind the term. It’s unpredictable. Stealthy. Lethal when needed to be; the right recipe that makes Maximillano the way that he is. Max is a very intricate person if you’re not in the knows of what’s going on. His strengths are undoubtedly his weaknesses, and while the man has been damn near perfect in his occupation, he’s always had his eye out for something more. He was like a squirrel just weeks before the Winter season would start, trying to hoard as many acorns as possible for his own personal gain. In Max’s case, it was always the promise of being at the helm of the family, any one for that matter. Sure, he wouldn’t pass up the opportunity to get his hands dirty every now and again, but his real passion waited for him at the top of the highest ladder, where his success would be rewarded with the promise of power, riches, and fame. That’s what he really wanted anyway.

But one can only be ambitious for so long before toes get stepped on, when disappointment awakened a few inner demons you wouldn’t have known existed otherwise. Max had been fucked over plenty of times in his life, and to think it all started in his own home all those years ago. Then Cassius dug the knife deeper when he’d chosen Stavros for that nifty right hand man position. By then, Max was seeing red, and all of his energy went into making sure the Giordano family paid for this stupid ass decision. These experiences has taught the man who to befriend and who to leave astray, all for the sake of his own foolish and selfish goal. The new rift between the family was the perfect opportunity for Max to start fresh and anew from the other side, but even he is impatient to see his results come to life in just a short amount of time.

Still, Max isn’t going away any time soon. Sure, he’s not gonna complain too much about where he’s at now, but you can’t deny the fact that his strategy is headed in the right direction, slowly, but surely. And you can guarantee that Max will be wherever you least expect it, while his victims are oblivious of the threat that lingers behind them in the shadows just like a snake, the same one they forced him to be.

What are this character’s motives? What drives this character? What are their goals?

Max’s harmful ambition of wanting to be at the top is one of his main motivators of getting the job done. Plus, he loves his daily grind of espionage, or as he likes to call it: information brokering. It’s a pasttime he holds near and dear, and it’s where he’s out in his element doing what he does best. Lying, cheating. Perhaps killing. Anything to give the family a better edge in society, even if he has to plow through those he considered friends once upon a time. He wants nothing more than to get drunk off of his own lust for revenge while dishing out pain and havoc to anyone that falls in his way. Getting rid of Harland and taking his place beside Celine is Max’s ultimate goal and endgame, for anything that happens to him otherwise may result in major failure. Maybe even death.

What potential plots do you foresee for this character? Where do you see this character’s story going? What potential storylines would you like to explore, both with the character themselves and as a part of the group as a whole?

REMOVED

Would you be open to this character’s death? Though we’d love to keep all characters alive and well in an ideal world, the nature of this group may put some characters’ lives in danger at one point or another. Should your character’s death be necessary for the furthering of the plot, would you be open to the idea of killing them off and working with the admin team to create a new role for you to take on?

REMOVED

PARA SAMPLE

9 kilometers to go.

The saying is that money can never buy anyone happiness; a cute little deterrent to keep the poor where they were. And in all honesty, money would only lead you down a horrible path to trouble and greed. Trouble because everyone wanted to take it from you, greed because you wanted to hoard as much as you allow yourself to. Though this never stopped the mighty billionaires of the world from cranking the rusty wheel of this damned planet. Max fell somewhere along the middle of it all. He had the greed, as to everyone did, but the trouble was something he never tangoed with. It certainly helped him get out of a jam a time or two. Everyone had a price. All they had to do was name it.

With his eyes fixed on a segment on CNN, Max sat on his top-of-the-line cycling machine, pedaling through his weekly workout segment for 15 miles. Age wasn’t a factor when it came to keeping himself in shape, and since the man didn’t smoke nor drink himself into a drunken stupor on a regular basis, activities such as this were easy to keep up with. His choice of clothing consisted of nothing but gym shorts and sneakers, but fuck it. No one else would see him like that anyway…Except if you were the housekeeper. Or perhaps Ruby whenever she needed to be at his side. But that was it. No one else.

There had been an alert coming from the bike’s computer system, indicating that Max was now heading into rough terrain while continuing on his “trail”. The bike’s gears locked up and suddenly placed pressure on the pedals, giving him the feeling that he was now pedaling uphill. Max then lifted himself from the seat of the bike and rode. Panting. Pedaling. Panting. Pedaling. Muscles shifting and contorting under the stress of going through this exercise, a thin layer of sweat coated his scalp and shoulders. The burning sensation traveling through his body felt good, serving as an escape from the world around him. He was a junkie for it; the only pain he could take without seeking some type of vengeance for it. The man biked through his virtual adventure, all until there was a voice that could be heard on the other side of the room.

“Mr. Mancini,” the housekeeper began. “You have a visitor.” Standing beside the young woman - which was an odd yet usual request for Max to have - was a middle aged man, gripping a white envelope as he waited to be greeted. Max kept pedaling a while longer, though stopped completely before drinking a sip of water. “Leave us.” he ordered.

The housekeeper immediately fell back into her job, leaving the two men alone in his personal space. Max stood from his seat while the visitor watched the young housekeeper rush to her duties, doing anything to keep his eyes from the man before him. “Join me on the balcony. Would you like a drink?”

“N-no…thanks.” The man replied. Good, because Max wasn’t going to give him anything, not without good news this damn time around. The man had proven to be inadequate of his duties in recent weeks, and Max had enough of his incompetence. This small meeting today would go on to prove whether he would live or die. The outcome was about as random as winning the lottery.

The thing about Max and his work was that he hated talking on the phone, just as much as he hated texting. Breadcrumbs could be left anywhere these days, and without strong, top of the line security from outsiders of all kinds, risking his neck for the sake of his job was something he couldn’t let slip through his fingers. With that, he had people make his calls, talk to people face to face instead of on the phone, even going as far as speaking to one another in cryptic messages so that whoever was listening didn’t know what was going on. Some may say it was paranoia that fueled the man to keep his tracks clean, but to Max, it enabled him to keep control on who did what and where. He could watch anyone he damn well pleased, but no one watched Maximillano Mancini. No one.

The two men walked to the balcony of Max’s home away from home with him taking lead. A towel had been draped around his neck, giving him some sort of comfort as the near hot air caused his body a shiver. Cutting to the chase, the man hands over Max the envelope that was in his hands without a moment to spare. It was nothing important to anyone else, but once Max gazed at the list of numbers - coordinates that you would find on a map, rather - in front of him, he smiled like the Grinch on Christmas. Pure evil and delight danced around his blackened heart.

“You’ve done something right for a change. Now I don’t have to break one of your appendages again in order to get your useless ass in gear.” Max smiled, although never really cared for the fear that started to appear on the man’s expressions. Max had been known to make an example out of someone just to keep everyone in check, but he’d never had time to do such a thing lately. That only meant that everyone was following orders like they should’ve been in the first place.

Max placed the paper back inside the envelope, and clutched it in his hand in order to give his hardworking minion a pat on the back, or rather, a hard tug into the balcony’s gate. The moment the man noticed it was too late to do anything was when he fought for his life, but Max was the stronger being out of the two, and flipped him right over the edge, where he fell seven stories down onto the concrete below. The man’s body bounced on the back of his head and neck, breaking and shattering bones before leaving him for dead. The only thing Max had done was stare down at the body, watching as his soul would tear away from his body. Slowly, but surely, life would eventually meet death. The man was expendable, and his fuckups had lead to his downfall, right down to the very end. It was great because he was an outside associate to the family, and that he wouldn’t be missed by anyone important. Again, Max didn’t care. He didn’t need knuckle draggers risking everything that was important to him. Not right now. As he clutched the map coordinates in his hand, the sound of a distant vaccum cleaner started up back in his apartment, the only noise that was able to compete with the voice in his head about his next task.

EXTRAS

I’ve put together a little something over here. Nothing too fancy tho: https://mockmax.tumblr.com/

[fugitive-magician]

Surya's Backstory!

(I know it’s very long but please try to read the whole thing! I’m very sorry, I just have so much story to tell through him. If you are in a hurry, there is a TL; DR at the end ;u; )

-He was born in medieval England!! His real name is Alistair Payne! His physical age is around 36 years old. He was born in the early 1410s in the outskirts of a rural farming village, and he worked the farm and tended to his animals as a child. His parents passed away when he was young, and while the villagers came to check on him every so often, he spent most of his time around nature. He turned 36 sometime in the late 1440s, after the Valais Witch Trials and the execution of Joan of Arc, but before the release of the Malleus Maleficarum. This era was the beginning of medieval witch hunt hysteria, and after making use of unconventional healing salves and farming methods to help his friends and his animals, Alistair was eventually accused and burned for being a witch.

-But!! He wasn't burned! At the last minute, when he was tied to the stake, he was rescued by members of the Nova Corps as a part of their new defense strategy: Project Renaissance.

-Project Renaissance was a "charity" project proposed to the Xandarians by a Kree biophysicist named Ahbeo Driaxe. Ahbeo was secretly the leader of a radical cult called the Cintaya, which focused on the use of black magic. Members of the Cintaya were outcasts of society, born from hate and misunderstanding. As such, many members of the of the Cintaya were Skrull, pushed to serve a Kree sorceress by the hate and scorn the Kree lavished upon them, in hopes of destroying their oppressors.

-When an organism dies, the release of their soul from their body causes a sort of exothermic reaction which results in their cells releasing Qi (life force energy) and latent magical energy, as the muscles relax and the decaying process begins. Black magic aims on gathering and using this energy by slaughtering organisms to perform spells.

-Ahbeo's cult in particular was obsessed with purity, and aimed at using black magic to summon an ancient demon named Malnata, who would ultimately consume everything in the universe and reorganize the matter into a new, pristine universe. The cult made use of the Skrull’s shapeshifting abilities in order to kidnap and murder opposers to their ideals. However, all Cintaya members were identifiable by their black blood, as they made use of some of the magic they harvested to lengthen their lifespans until they could see Malnata’s forthcoming. Their cult slaughtered thousands, but Ahbeo soon realized that this was an inefficient method of gathering black magic energy, as it drew the attention of intergalactic authorities and jeopardized their mission. She realized that, instead of gathering energy by killing thousands of people once, she could gather the same amount of energy in secret by killing one organism a thousand times.

-The Nova Corps, unknowing of her true identity and intentions, supported Project Renaissance, named for the human era in which it was started and after the human word for "reborn". The project was an initiative to take lost and doomed individuals from Earth and give them another chance at life by replacing their living cells with networks of energy, making them immune to sickness and aging. They would lose all their memories of their tragic lives and would live anew as protectors of the Xandarian people. This was to ensure that the project was both charitable and did not dramatically affect Earth's timeline by removing key representatives of humanity’s development.

-Intergalactic laws on human experimentation were very slack during this time period, and humans were often viewed in the same way as puppies or endangered animals. Key forerunners of human progress were known as “Ambassadors”, a classification that would continue to be used by the Xandarians and other alien races far into the future. The actions of Ambassadors are constantly monitored by the Nova Corps and other intergalactic governments in order to judge humanity’s advancement as a species and their aptness for being invited to participate in intergalactic councils of civilized races.

-By having bodies made of energy, the subjects of Project Renaissance could live forever in the same, unchanging state that they were rewritten in. They could exist without resource consumption (food, air, water, etc.) or susceptibility to chemical damage, as they’re no longer capable of chemical processes besides sensing chemicals in the form of taste and smell. They didn’t age, and while their bodies couldn’t heal on their own, being exposed to a source of whatever energy they’re formed from allows them to regenerate whatever wound or damage they’re afflicted with. Under the condition that they have an energy source that they could use to regenerate every 24 hours, they could even feasibly exist comfortably without sleep or rest. However, if their bodies are not regenerated, they begin to lose their energy, which results in their whole form losing its color and eventually disintegrating.

-There were 78 total subjects in Project Renaissance. Each subject was rewritten with a network of different energies, including infinity stone energy, energy from the dark dimension, and plasma energy. However, 77 of the subjects proved unsuccessful, as the humans’ organic bodies refused to be replaced properly with the new energy bodies, creating corrupted networks that resulted in disgusting eldritch monsters, similar to the creature at the beginning of this. These failed test subjects were promptly ejected into space. Photon energy was used to rewrite Alistair, and he became Subject #78, making him the final and only successful subject of the project. In #78’s case, eating or drinking would be very bad for him, as his energy body can’t physically break down food. He regenerates and heals by being exposed to sunlight, as his body is made of photons, making him a living sunbeam!

-The subjects of Project Renaissance were meant to have bodies that followed the 50% Law, in which they could fully regenerate if 50% of their total energy was in one piece. This meant that even if their heart stopped and they died, they could still be brought back to life if exposed to energy and regenerated, making it only possible for them to die permanently if their bodies deteriorated past 50%. The Nova Corps believed that the project would give the lost humans a new purpose as protectors of civilian populations. After saving them from their inevitable deaths by whisking them away and transforming them into perfectly efficient soldiers, the Nova Corps would educate the subjects in language and law, teaching them how to be moral humans again. However, Ahbeo was instead using the project as a way to exploit Xandarian research and resources to create the perfect sacrifice: one that could die over and over again.

-After #78 was created and trained successfully, Ahbeo stole him away to a place called the Altar, a meteor with a completely colorless, lightless interior, and the main base of the Cintaya. There, she physically and mentally abused him, feeding him partial truths: that he lived a meaningless life on Earth, that he was created so that he could die, that his own people wanted him dead, and that the Xandarians no longer valued him because he was an inorganic piece of energy, and therefore not technically alive. Filling his head with images of the masses she slaughtered in the past, she warned #78 that she would kill thousands more if he didn’t comply. She drove #78 to commit ritualistic suicide over and over, urging him that it was his purpose, and gathering the energy from each of his deaths to eventually manifest Malnata in his body.

-The Nova Corps were horrified by how Ahbeo had tricked them and by the plot that their project had furthered. Covertly, they hunted Ahbeo and #78, finding the meteor and laying siege to the Cintaya. In an attempt to finish preserve her cult and her goals, Ahbeo locked the Altar in a pocket dimension, and turned herself in for arrest. Terrified of himself and of returning to the Xandarian labs, #78 fled escaped the Nova Corps and fled. The research and development of Project Renaissance was abruptly discontinued, and because of Ahbeo’s betrayal, the Nova Corps never released the project to the public, hoping to keep their failure and naivete a secret and to cover up any association they had with the Cintaya. As #78 was the last remaining evidence of the project’s existence, they labeled him as a wanted fugitive in the hopes of hunting him down and destroying him. This was to prevent him from revealing the project to public, prevent the Cintaya from ever being able to summon Malnata, and to finally lay the project to rest.

-#78 spent years in hiding, hopping from planet to planet, learning the languages and cultures of many different races. He was essentially a new human, unsure of how to navigate the world or relationships with others. He had no memories of who he was before the project, and no way of retrieving his identity files from the Nova Corps without risking his arrest and death. Thus, he realized he had to return to Earth in order to discover more about his past, and ended up crashing near the base of Mt. Everest in the late 1540s, 100 years later. Sorcerers of the Kamar Taj found him and took him in from there. After they discovered he didn’t know his real name besides his number, they gave him the name “Surya” after the Hindu sun god, because of his need for sunlight to survive.

- At Kamar Taj, he was taught how to be human, including how to manipulate magic. Because Surya was made from energy, he found it easy to channel energy, but not control it completely. At this point in time, the Ancient One was training at the Kamar Taj. (I have a few important headcanons about her here!) In her earlier years of training, the Ancient One was stubborn, strong-willed, and headstrong. She learned magic through years of hard work and forceful training, and was annoyed by Surya’s aptitude for understanding the flow of universal energy. She used to call him “eanling” which was an Old Irish shepherd term for a freshly dropped lamb that still needed to learn to walk.

While her ideology was more aligned with the traditional views of the Kamar Taj and focused on manipulating magic to further her goals, Surya focused his training on letting magic flow naturally and appreciating its beauty. Surya disagreed with a lot of the temple's teachings, and formed a bit of a rivalry with the Ancient One. He believed that magic is most effective when it is allowed to flow freely, as opposed to being concentrated into specific spells and geometric patterns. He also believed that magic and relics could be used for more than just protection and combat, and that they could be channeled as tools for communication and compassion. Because of this, he specializes in more ambiguous, indirect magic, such as healing, clairvoyance through cards, clairvoyance through dreams, light illusions, psychological reading, and communication across dimensions. He can also concentrate sun energy  into nebulous shields and kinesis.

-Because of their drastically different magical styles, the Ancient One and Surya actually learned a lot from each other. She taught him how to stand up for himself and how to face his problems head on, as opposed to the running he was used to doing from his pursuers. Additionally, he taught her how to find peace with her flaws, and how to overcome enemies using emotions and understanding as opposed to brute force. They ended up becoming good friends and used their competition to better themselves as sorcerers. She was one of the few people that he told about his history with the Cintaya. The mid 1540s was during the era of colonization and mercantilism, so the two of them traveled the world together, as the Ancient One showed Surya the planet that he was from, and all the magical places and sources in it, in order to teach him what it meant to be human.

-At this point in time, the Nova Corps had deduced that Surya was on Earth, and sent sentries down to try and arrest him. Afraid of threatening the safety of the Ancient One and his new family at the Kamar Taj, Surya fled with her to her homeland in Ireland, where they lived in a small cottage next to the flower fields at the base of the Wicklow Mountains. They stayed in hiding there for a while, hoping the mountain peaks would scramble the signals of the Xandarian ships, and Surya cooked for the both of them while they continued their studies. However, the Nova Corps found them, and Surya knew that he would have to leave Earth in order for the sentries to leave. He left the cottage on a stolen Xandarian ship and was on the run again.

-Surya was eager to use his new magical skills to form a new identity for himself. He was determined to not fulfill the purpose that the Cintaya had designed him for, and focused all of his energy on helping others and fighting against hatred and fear, formally swearing an oath of pacifism. He visited planets under oppressive rule and helped to inspire revolutions. He tended to the poor and saved lives from natural disasters. He negotiated to break up crime rings and turn in other criminals for arrest. All the while, he wrote messages to the Nova Corps about his work, hoping to prove his worth and clear his name of their criminal charges. These letters started off as detailed descriptions, but when he found out that the Nova Corps were interrogating the people he had helped to try and track his whereabouts, they became less and less explicit, until he settled upon simply sending them messages with numbers: cryptic counts of how many lives he had saved.

-In this period, Surya also worked to track down the failed test subjects of Project Renaissance. Once he found his siblings, he broke down their shifting physical bodies, asking them where they would like to go. Knowing that their souls would be too corrupted by their energy networks to have the strength to pass on to the afterlife, he gave the souls of each of his siblings the option to be stored in a deck of tarot cards, which act like pocket dimensions that provide the souls with energy and keep them from disintegrating. This deck became his relic and friend, providing him with insight when he gives readings.

-Magical traders and underground dealers throughout the universe became aware of Surya’s presence. Blood of the Condemned is a necessity for darker spells and rituals, and because he is not made of organic matter, his blood is in high demand, as it can never expire if it's kept in sunlight. His blood is often called "Star Blood" or "Blood of the Sun God" on the market. Until he clears his name and is no longer condemned by the Nova Corps, he will continue to be hunted for it.

-After centuries in space, Surya returned to earth around the 1970s and visited the cottage again in the hopes of finding the Ancient One. After not being able to find her, he set up a network of magical safe-houses around the globe so the Nova Corps couldn’t track him. It wasn’t safe for him to stay in one place for too long, so he created a pocket dimension that could be multiple places at once: a series of magic shops in LA, NYC, the Sahara Desert, the Amazon Rainforest in Peru, the cottage in Wicklow, the marketplaces in Tibet, and even in the mist realm of Niflheim. Each shop had a room  inside with a curtain for a door and a doormat in front of it. The doormats were enchanted with a spell similar but weaker than the magic on Thor’s hammer. Instead of judging the worthiness of a person over their entire lifetime and family lineage, the doormats would judge the intentions of the person over the past few days. If they had no ill intentions towards Surya, a key would appear under the doormat, and the person could enter the pocket dimension: Surya’s house, with multiple doors to his various magic shops and extra rooms for when he as guests. However, a person were to pass through the curtain door without the key, they would pass through the pocket dimension and enter a dusty, empty, second room of the magic shop they were in. In worst case scenarios, he would also stay frequently with his allies on other planets-- friends he's made along the way by helping them out when they were in trouble.

- In order to make a little money, Surya gives tarot card readings, palm readings, and spiritual consultations. He visits people’s homes or buildings and speaks to their spirits, acting more like a ghost therapist than a ghost hunter. By calming the spirits and working with them to resolve the issues that keep them from passing on, he’s able to clear the houses of haunting. On rare occasions, Surya also eradicates demons and performs exorcisms. He often forgets to charge his clients for his services, however, as he pities them and the spirits that haunt them. Outside of his work he researches medieval history to try and discover his past and catalogs his dreams, as he frequently wakes up with nightmares of the future and the Cintaya.

TL ; DR

- Surya (real name: Alistair Payne) was born in the middle ages, but he was kidnapped by a black magic cult called the Cintaya led by a Kree named Ahbeo Driaxe, and had all his memories of his childhood and history erased

- The Cintaya created a project called Project Renaissance, where they experimented on him to make his body out of sunlight, making him immortal, unable to eat food, age, or heal on his own, and able to regenerate if put into sunlight, even if his heart stops and he dies

-This is so they could sacrifice him over and over again until he generates enough energy to summon and be possessed by their patron demon, Malnata

-Project Renaissance had many test subjects, all of which turned into terrible monsters, which Surya captured later in his tarot deck

-The Nova Corps were tricked into supporting Project Renaissance, and so they attacked the Cintaya and put a bounty on Surya’s head

-Surya escaped, crashed on Earth, befriended the people at the Kamar Taj, including the Ancient One, who was training there at the time, and learned magic

-He traveled the universe, on the run from the remaining Cintaya, the Nova Corps, and blood hunters, who want to harvest his blood and sell it for black magic purposes. He helped a ton of people and led a lot of peaceful revolutions in order to try and clear his name and prove he wasn’t a monster

-He then returned to Earth where he set up a bunch of magic shops all over Earth connected by a pocket dimension where his house is. He sells tarot card readings, palm readings, and clears spirits and demons from people’s homes

[redlemonz]

Day #23

The growing loneliness is consuming me further, and the emptiness and nothingness I was experiencing a couple days ago is returning. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of actually accepting the circumstances that have unfolded, and to advise me that my life has already peaked and that I’ve had my golden moments, thanks to her - so it’s time to come back down. I don’t even realise my own sense of depression sometimes anymore because I’m just this lost, wandering soul who’s walking down an empty street on his own. My head even feels physically heavier these days, carrying the burdens that I’ve created for myself and am a consequence to. Yet at the same time I’m so empty and forsaken. For a guy who is accustomed to a lot of spice in his life, I feel extremely plain and robotic, losing touch with my humanity again - as if I’m being forced to walk down this street in an absolutely straight line. It feels as though I’m just over everything this life really has to offer. The constant array of disappointment on a daily basis and never being truly satisfied, as is human nature. Part of me has shut down and given up in bothering to continue to try to alter this reality, as I seem to always end up strolling along in this endless circle of despair nevertheless. It’s a numbing extravaganza to say the least. I’m drifting away into the abyss, further away from the rest of my world, and her - just wish I literally could leave. Another day to get through with this mask that forcibly has to be glued to my face. Thinking of her and imagining the thought of her hand holding mine tends to guide me through these days. The smile on her face, the good memories and the sincere companionship and comfortability we both shared together is always a golden recollection in my head that enables me to keep walking now, even if it is currently in this never ending circle. And each time I click back to reality from being stuck in those day dreams, a combinative sigh of both relief and disappointment at the same time are released - as a result of the memory being created at all, and the current outcome I’m living. It’s sort of like that moment in Inside Out (as real as Disney movies get to be fair) in which the sadness combines with the core memories of happiness present in Riley’s mind, to provide a beautiful display of the whole, real picture. So I do cherish all these amazing memories shared with her, that constantly bring smiles to my face when I reflect upon them. I just don’t want them to end.. I want our story to continue.

Day 23 - lost & alone

Bloody hell, I’ll tell you one thing that never ends at work though. My colleagues constantly asking me how she’s doing, or how things with us are. Those use to be some of my favourite questions up until a month ago. Im so accustomed to it always bringing me extreme joy and a big smile across my face, to be reminded and know that I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have this beautiful girl in my life. A few of them have met her too, as she’s encountered a couple as her own colleagues at the casual security role we undertook together. She’s also attended a work social event in which I had organised a dinner and movie night, at which she met a bunch more and even got a hug from the future bride to be colleague at the time - who’s wedding we ultimately attended together. Even more so, she caught public transport upon my recommendation to actually come over, which is generally unusual. What gave me the utmost cheerfulness and filled me with happiness in these moments was being able to actually hold her hand at the movies, and dance with her at the wedding, with a familiar family of faces around rather than strangers for a change. It was so fulfilling and delightful to actually bring a plus one who I wanted to keep as a plus one for the rest of my life. I just felt so proud and joyous to be able to not hide from people, the fact that this is my absolutely beautiful and stunning best friend, who I’m in love with. These are also continuous and further reminders of the displays of the amount of time and effort she actually contributed into being a part of the various aspects in my life. She emerged out of her comfort zone on plenty of these occasions, to make me happy and presented her love to me by doing so. I just wish I had more chances to do the same with her, even though I tried (but probably too eagerly, and too much - which pushed her away from me and reduced my chances if anything). Nevertheless, we all know how the story goes - yup, took her and all of it for granted. So here I am, smiling at the friendship I’m still lucky to hold onto and be graced with, and answering these questions with a half smile. She’s doing really well, yeah, architecture firm in snowy mountain town down south - but unfortunately we’re not together anymore. Though I only respond with that second unfortunate part if they even ask the latter of the two questions aforementioned - which I usually hope they don’t, because it’s consistently crushing to vocalise the true reality. And then, because after that rain on my lack of a parade of a day, the clouds of my mind never seem to cease bursting. At least I got the opportunity to literally walk around a bunch more (for work purposes obviously) than usual today, and tried to clear my head in the process. It’s a funny thing though - putting your right hand on the Bible and swearing to affirm the verifiability of documentation being true and correct, when the idea of religion and God has been belittled throughout the years of my life. The amount of trust that society can bestow within you, a stranger, to tell the truth really does display a beautiful quality within humanity. Which in turn also makes it an absolute shame and an act of dishonour, that I failed incredibly highly to have enough faith and reliability in her, and ironically placed that doubt about us in her mind. Oh the on-going regret and lack of realisation until it’s all been stripped away pains me as much as the day before. The quantity of times I’ve shaken my head in more than simply a metaphorical manner at myself in disbelief of my behaviour and mistreatment is unfathomable at this point. Oh woe is me, right? Nope - I’ll just continue digging away, with my shackled ankles, at my endless pit of all these negative sensations that formulate this damn self loathing. It’s exhausting and agonising as hell to keep at it, but I can’t stop digging, because I don’t have the capability to walk away with these chains stranding me. And I don’t want to stop digging either, because I’m very afraid that if I do, that pit could some day turn into a grave.

Another evening at indoor, another goal scored. What an absolute champion, right? Nah - we got absolutely thrashed. Probably because our bald headed eagle of a superstar wasn’t in attendance tonight unfortunately. I noticed tonight that I just felt out of place, and am slowly detecting an increasing sense of estrangement. Even amongst friends now, I don’t feel as though I have much of a recognition of belonging anymore. Maybe it’s just a passing phase which I’ve unintentional indulged as a side effect of this insanity I’m currently experiencing. Maybe it’s a sign of a new chapter beginning in my life beyond that horizon. Guess I won’t know straight away, and have to learn to embrace the virtue of patience much more. I’m ready for life to take me into a different direction, so that I can have a fresh chance at rebuilding myself and starting anew. I just wish she could be on the journey with me. But for the interim I’m just feeling down right depressed in my lonely state, and I can’t really do anything to change it. It feels as though the depression is the core part of me, which controls me and fundamentally branches off into who I am as a person. Sadness is simply familiar and comes along quite naturally, as much as it sucks. In the end, no matter what vacation my mind ends up taking, the happiness from that is temporary, and I’ll eventually find a way to ruin everything and return home to my sadness, because it’s where I belong. It’s how things are just meant to be. That’s okay though, it’s normal, and if it hurts, then it hurts because it actually matters. I can truly understand one of the reasons why she couldn’t end up loving me either - because I don’t even love me. But I can’t say that I’m sorry for loving her and hating myself. I’m struggling and fighting each day to get over this atelophobia; fear of never being good enough. It’s not a battle one should ever rely on or ask anyone else to assist them with by doing things to make you feel more worthwhile or recognised, and constantly seeking their attention accordingly, the way I did. I’m constantly trying my best though, and even if I have to keep my mask up for the sake of others, I will. One of my favourite comedic actors who was actually a victim of depression and unfortunately lost his battle with himself, once stated that he thought the saddest people always try their hardest to make others feel happy, because they realise what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and don’t want others to feel that way. That’s always being the inspiring goal, and I feel as though I can actually identify with that statement. The worst part as a consequence to failing in that regard though (as I constantly seem to) is that your level of worthlessness increases, and you don’t see the point in yourself anymore after you feel as though you’ve been sacrificing and trying anything and everything you can to make things better, and haven’t given up. But when the other person openly gives up on you, and decides it’s not worth it anymore - well, fuck. There’s not much more you can do, other than continuously brawl with the waves to save yourself from drowning (and I can’t even probably literally do that, let alone in this regard). This game of life isn’t over yet, and you’re not going to let it conclude either. One painful, tiring day at a time. Im not apologetic for the constant repetitive themes and descriptions each day either, even though I realise it’s all really mundane. It’s repetitive for a reason, because my daily reality is all over the fucking place, just as my scrambled head is. And I’m also just a naturally boring person, with nothing of actual value to offer. On a lighter note, I had another fun and lonely burger date without her tonight. Missed her again. Better sleep before it gets later - because the darker the night, the more torturous the mind. Ah, sleep - the ultimate escape.. that is, until she conquers your dreams with that smile too. Except that I love it.