Oh, so that's where all the stress is coming from.
Y'know, I'm kinda scared outta my mind to suddenly be kinda made to uproot myself and go somewhere else, even though that's kinda just... my only option now. tumblr's a dumpster fire right now, and all my friends are at least starting to establish their presence elsewhere (which I don't blame y'all a bit about, this site is a whole thing, and I doubt that's gonna change), but I kinda got comfy here, y'know? I have a reasonably sized following that I enjoy interacting with, and a lot of my extra spending money hinges on selling commissions here.
And sure, cohost is fantastic, and I'm loving it already, but my name only goes as far as the people who already know me, and that's not a whole bunch compared to here. You don't really get popular on cohost. But the other option for notoriety is bluesky, and the right to content stuff in their tos is rather alarming. Plus, it's just more twitter, and I really don't wanna exist in that space, so I dunno. I just feel kinda lost right now. I'm not going anywhere on here till tumblr dies or kills my account or whatever, but I'm kind of worried for a future where that might happen, and I'm just dumped into the empty void and forced to start from suqare one again.
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I'm curious as to how the trans community allowed the mockery of trans men and mascs who dare being anything but the perfect embodiment of hegemonic masculinity to become so widespread that even cis 'allies' feel comfortable participating in it.
I thought we had gotten over transmeds mocking nonbinary people who like having colorful hair. I thought we had understood that generalizing a group of marginalized people to the point of making them a conglomerate of a blurry ridiculous stereotype was unacceptable.
I just wonder as to how people feel so comfortable mocking trans masculine musicians as all being ukulele cringe boys, and trans masculine writers as all childish YA authors.
I wonder why we let misogyny towards trans men and transmascs become so normalized that when it's called out we are told 'it's a joke, duh' as if bigotry doesn't love manifesting through jokes and ridicule.
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:)
[DESPITE EVERYTHING, IT'S STILL YOU]
.
.
.
.
[1]
There's a black wall in my home and
I don't know what it's doing here but
There's this feeling of excruciating dread and
I'm scared to know what's on the other side
[2]
LITTLE ONE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S COMING
LITTLE ONE, YOU LIVE IN BLISS
Whatever you are, you don't belong here
(CHILD, NAIVE)
I know you're not real but i feel like i'm wrong
(INNOCENT)
[3]
CAN YOU SEE? THE NOOSE AROUND OUR NECK?
CAN YOU SEE THE CLOCK TICKING AWAY?
What are you talking about?
Leave me be, i'd rather not deal with you
(I'M CHOKING)
[4]
LITTLE ONE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR ROLE YET
YOU ARE THE PICTURE OF THE INNOCENCE I HAVE LOST LONG AGO
Whoever you are, can't you leave me alone?
Don't shove thoughts in my head, none of them belong here
[5]
There's something in my home and
I'm too scared to deal with this alone
Where's my mom? I could really use some help but
She's not home right now so
What do i do now?
I don't want this thing to grab me by the arm
(CHILDHOOD)
CHILD
[6]
CHILD YOU DO NOT YET UNDERSTAND, OUR NECK IS CRUSHED IN THE GRIP OF THE NOOSE THAT WE MADE
(Leave me be, my head is not made for this, you're hurting me and i don't want you touching my skin)
WHO ARE YOU TO RUN AWAY FROM YOURSELF, WHEN YOU HAVE EVERYTHING THAT I CAN'T GET AGAIN
(Get away from me, don't grab me by the arm, i don't want to be hurt just let me be happy on my own)
[7]
You're not real to me, but that doesn't take away from the traumatic expirience
YOU KNOW OUR NAME, WE ARE BOTH ONE IN THE SAME ENTITY DESPITE OUR FACES
(NO YOU'RE NOT)
[8]
Let go of me, creep, you don't belong here in my home unlike me, black creature in my wall
(WE'RE BOTH THE SAME BEING)
Mom will return soon and i don't want her to see me assaulted this way by something like you
(YOU DESERVE NO INNOCENCE, YOU HAVE IT ALL AND I DON'T)
[9]
WE'RE NOT THE SAME THING, WE'RE NOT
(WE'RE BOTH THE SAME THING, WE ARE)
JUST LEAVE ME BE
(LOOK AT YOUR FACE)
[10]
God, what happened to us both?! How did i get to your point in ten years forward in time?!
(THIS IS YOUR FUTURE, OH SWEET CHILDHOOD, YOU WILL SUFFER MY SAME FATE EVERY DAY FROM THEN ON)
I don't want to believe this, i don't want to end up like you and yet you exist
(YOU BETTER BELIEVE IN STORIES OF ME, FOR YOU WILL NOT BE SAFE FROM ME)
[11]
I don't want this to be me, please
(YOU ARE NOT SAFE FROM ME)
I don't want this freakshow to be ME, PLEASE
(I WILL TAKE YOU–)
I WILL TAKE YOU, CHILDHOOD
[12]
I don't want that to be me in 10 years, please
I don't want to turn into that thing, please...
Rest in peace
INNOCENCE
2007 - 2024
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No, I'm not all fine. Thought I was, but this made me sadder than I realized. Even if he's a fictional character, it still hurts a bit.
I'm so happy, yet I'm crying.
He deserved this. I knew he did and he got it.
I'm so proud of him!
I really am...
But I think for a while I won't be able to look at pictures of him without feeling sad.
I'll be alright, don't worry about me: it's not the first time a fictional fave of mine "died", it won't be the last. :')
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Hm... If I ever did start posting art on here again, it'd have to be absolutely covered in a watermark, would folks be cool with that?
I dunno, I'm kinda worried I'm leaving my tumblr crowd in the dust, and I've been having a lot of complicated feelings surrounding purging my account of what it had prior... mostly unpleasant ones. Maybe I'm just trying to desperately grasp at what I deleted, I don't even really know at this point.
I'm trying to keep on a brave face, but this whole situation has taken a serious slash at my mental health
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