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lupinwriites · 3 years

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What was that about?

Fandom: Squid Game

Rating: 13+ (?!) // Some swearing and a bit of angst and emotion.

Pairing: Salesman x Female.

Word Count: 2443. A/N: Alright, there we go. Yesterday, I found a prompt generator online where I got the following sentence: A new character's old crush suddenly drops by. I gave that my own twist and a few hours later this happened. I slept on it and I am currently trying to find the courage to post this. (Apparently I’ve found the courage if you’re reading this..)

It’s Salesman + Female. From the SALESMAN’S POV!

I guess I am a sucker for angst and emotion (I’m projecting, yay). I hope to write some mindless smut at some point but like I said, I’d like to start of nice and easy. Enjoy!

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“I can’t do this one.” I stared at the name in front of me.

I had been working as a recruiter for the Squid Game for quite some time now but never had I denied luring someone in. These people are broke, we give them an opportunity to win a lot of money. It’s a good thing.

I know what my job is, I know what I have to do.

But this.. her. I can’t.

My boss brought me back to reality. “What makes you think you have a choice?”

“I-”

“You’ll play the game with her tonight where you are supposed to. If not I will have someone else meet her there.”

“No!” Goddammit. “Ok, fine.” and with that I walked again, knowing what I had to do.

...

There she was, on a bench in the park, enjoying what seemed to be a book. It wasn’t even that late yet, but it was dark. The street lights were on but they didn’t give all that much light. Yet, even though I knew I’d find her here, I could very easily tell it was her. She hasn’t changed a bit.

Would she remember me?

I took a deep breath and made my way towards her. “Hello, miss?”

She looked up at me. It was the first time I looked into her eyes in over 10 years. “Uh.. oh, hi!”

“Can I have a seat?” I asked while gesturing towards to empty space on the park bench she was sitting on.

She looked me up and down, I could see her eyes linger on the suitcase I was holding. She looked at the empty seat next to her and quickly moved to look into my eyes. “Sure.” she said with a soft smile while moving over to make more space for me.

After I had sat down, placing my suitcase in between us, I looked over to her. She had gone back to reading her book. I could see her lips curl into a smile. It made my heart flutter. I took a deep breath, one that was way louder and deeper than I intended it to be.

She looked over to me but before her eyes could link with mine I had focused on the dark street in front of me. “Are you alright?”

”Hmm?” I hummed while looking back up at her. “Yes, I’m alright.”

I sighed again while looking back down.

”Are you sure? Those are pretty heavy sighs.” She said with a smile in her voice.

Still sweet and caring as ever. And to a random stranger in a dark park at that.

I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.

Goddammit, get on with it! Just one more added to the list of hundreds you already killed, what the fuck does it matter. Acting all high and mighty, sending those broke pathetic people off to their deaths, she is no different. But she is.

“Can I talk to you, miss?” I asked looking her way again.

She had gone back to reading her book but when she heard my voice again she closed it and placed in back into her backpack, giving me her full attention. She looked at me. “Yeah, go on, get it off your chest.”

“I have a great opportunity for you..” I said, still looking at her, seeing her expression go from caring and interested to confused. “If you’d play this game with me, I will give you 100.000 won for every round you win.” I tried to look impressive but most likely failed.

“Huh?”

“We play this game of Ddakji..” I said while getting the red and blue tiles out of the suitcase. “..And every time you win, I will give you 100.000 won.”

“What if I lose?”

“Then you will give me that same amount.”

She huffed. “And what if I won’t have that amount of money to play with?”

“We’ll get to that later..” I told her. “So, do you want to play? What color do you pick?”

She took both of the tiles out of my hands, placing the red tile onto the floor, keeping the blue tile in her hand. “I’m blue.”

I saw her close her eyes as if to say a little prayer to whoever she believed could help her in this moment. She opened her eyes again and with that threw her blue tile onto my red one.

It didn’t flip.

I tried not to let my emotions get to me as I bent down to pick up my red tile. Without even trying too hard I threw my tile down, flipping hers easily.

My eyes closed, then opened again as I heard her say: “I don’t have to money to pay you.”

“You can pay me another way instead.” I can’t do this.

“What do you mean?” Her voice shook. I could tell that for the first time since our encounter started she was anxious.

“For every 100.000 you can’t pay, I will hit you in the face.” I cringed at myself. I’ve said this so many times, yet I’ve never sounded more pathetic and weak that I did just then.

She was quiet for a while, then said “Alright, give it to me and play another.”

“Actually, that first one was on me, throw again.” I don’t know what my reasoning behind this was. Whether she won in one, 10, 50, or 410 rounds, I would have to send her off to her death anyway. Maybe it was to buy myself extra time with her. Or maybe it was to buy myself time to say a little prayer to whoever or whatever it is that was willing to help me.

She picked up her tile and threw if down again. With no luck. I picked up my red tile and managed to flip it again. Why do I even try? Trying to impress her? For what reason?

“Hit me and play another.”

I straightened my suit jacket and continued to look at the tiles, not being able to meet her eyes. I lifted my arm and hand up, ready to smash my flat palm right onto her cheek. The cheek I once lovingly kissed.

I closed my eyes and started to swing my hand forwards.

I heard her inhale a deep breath, embracing for impact, I assume. Her eyes were probably squeezed shut too.

My hand never made it to her face. Instead it found both my hands cupping my own face. “I can’t do it.”

She was quiet for a second before she said; “What is this? Give me my slap so we can continue to play! I want my 100.000 won!”

“I can’t do it.” I repeated before snapping out of it a second later, my hands letting go of my face. “I apologize ..for..” I took 100.000 won out of my suit pocket and placed in into her hand. “Here’s your money.” I cleared my throat.

I grabbed my Ddakji tiles, placed them back into the suitcase and locked it back up. If the boss could see me-- I remembered the camera on my chest, he could see me.. or he would at some point, at least. I turned the GoPro off. I couldn’t help but let a laugh escape my mouth. They’d be disgusted. Actually, they’d be confused. Where is that smug asshole everyone else had the misfortune to come across? That guy having no problem playing this game no matter how pretty the woman or how tough the man. What happened to him?

I walked away with big, long steps without saying another word. I ripped the camera off my chest and threw it into a trashcan. I never even looked back into her direction again.

I wanted to scream out of frustration. For the first time since taking this job, I couldn’t do it. Of course I’d sometimes feel sadness doing the things I did to those innocent but broke people knowing I’d given them hope while I actually send pretty much all of them into their coffins. Just because they don’t have any money doesn’t mean they deserve death. What kind of sick twisted thing am I actually calling my job? I chuckled in my head. I am just like the people I’m trying to recruit. I do these disgusting things for money, it is my job, it pays really well. But at what fucking cost? It’s ridiculous what people do for a bit of money, broke or not.

I pulled out my phone and dialed my boss. “I quit.”

My boss chuckled on the other end. “I take it it went well tonight? Why did you turn the camera off? I was very much enjoying the show.”

“She is not eligible for the game, understood? Not now, not ever. I will pay her debts, she is off the list, ok? Don’t ever touch her.”

“Well, well, well.. You know you can’t just quit, do you?”

“I know the contract I signed. I can buy myself out with 1 billion won, I will. If I ever speak to someone about the game I will have to pay 5 billion more. I know the rules. Goodbye, boss.” and with that I hung up.

I didn’t realize I had stopped walking until I started moving again after hanging up. I let out a shaky breath.

“Gong Yoo?” I froze. “What was that about?” I heard a hesitant voice behind me.

She did remember me.

I turned around to look at her. She had tears in her eyes. She looked scared, sad and confused all at once. For the first time tonight I also saw suspicion in her eyes. I wanted to take all of these emotions away from her. I wanted to pull her into my arms but instead I fell to my knees, sobbing loudly into my hands. “I am so sorry.”

She sat down in front of me. I felt her knees against mine first, before I felt her wrap her arms around me.

She held me like this for I don’t know how long. When my sobs had quieted down I heard her ask. “What is happening?”

I looked at her. She looked beautiful, even with a hundred and one emotions written on her face.

A sarcastic chuckled escaped my lips. How do I even explain this.

As if she could read my mind she continued, “Start with the phone call. You quit? The game? My debts?”

I thought about the conversation I just had with my boss, the contract I signed, what I just said, what I am about to say.. 5 billion won owed if I speak about the game. It’s a lot of money but this woman in front of me is worth more than that.

This woman, my first love, my only love. I began to cry again.

“Shall we go to my place? I live around the corner. The heater is on, I’ll make you a cup of tea.” Her voice was soft.

All I could do was nod. She helped me onto my feet and together we walked to her apartment.

...

“Are you feeling better?”

“I feel numb.” I said before taking another sip of the tea she had offered me. I never looked up at her.

“Will you be able to explain earlier tonight to me? What happened?”

I looked at her for the first time since we arrived in her apartment and saw desperation. I couldn’t blame her. I wondered if she’d every trust me again. I most likely knew the answer to that; she wouldn’t.

But I was willing to try, do whatever it takes.

I took a deep breath and looked down at the table before I started to talk.. “I work.. worked for a company that recruits people with debts to play in these games. With these games they can win a lot of money, but if they lose a game. They get killed. There’s a team looking for players, people that fit the criteria, people with debts. They find out their names, their schedule, places they regularly visit, everything. Earlier today, I got your name presented to me. I was supposed to play Ddakji with you until you won and give you the 100.000 won along with a card with a phone number for you to call afterwards. If you’d called that number you would have ended up in the game with a small chance of winning a lot of money. With a bigger chance to get killed.” My last sentence was nothing more than a whisper.

She didn’t say anything for quite some times. I would be speechless too. And angry. And upset. Disgusted.

“Why did you say ‘I can’t do this?’. Was I your first person to get into these games?”

I chuckled sarcastically, mad at myself. “Oh no. I’ve done this hundreds of times.”

“I don’t understand.”

I looked up at her. Her eyebrows were frowned. Not necessarily because she was angry, more so because she was sad and confused.

My lips curled into a smile. It quickly disappeared again because of how misplaced it was. I let my head hang low.

“I couldn’t do it because it was you.” I let that hang in the air for a while before continuing. “I did this to hundreds of people, somehow believing there was some sort of good in what I was doing. All it took for me to realize there was absolutely no good in my job, is having to play against my first and only love. Everyone I played against was someone’s love...”

I was staring into space. She didn’t say anything.

After some while I felt her hands reach over to mine. She didn’t say anything but took my hands that were holding my, her, tea cup into her own. I felt her thumbs rub the back of my hand. I looked up at her, finding her eyes. There was something in them. Maybe the best to describe it is pity. She pitied me. I don’t deserve that pity. I’m the last person to by pitied.

I let my head fall onto the table, tears falling from my eyes again. Neither of us said anything. We just sat there, her holding my hands holding the tea cup. Whether she was looking at me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to know.

I realized I had fallen asleep when I woke up the next morning. I was still on the chair I was on last night, but I had a blanket wrapped around my back and a cushion underneath my head.

Her hands were still wrapped around mine.

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ A/N: It feels weird to be posting this because it’s so different than other Squid Game/Salesman stories. I hope it being different doesn’t mean it’s not worth posting.

I’d also like to say the following: I’m having a hard time using Gong Yoo’s name, but since Salesman doesn’t have one and I didn’t want to make up a random name, I had to use his.

Ruining my own fic here.. and I’ll shut up after this and press ‘post’.. but they’d die if they spoke about the game, honestly paying for speaking about Squid Game doesn’t make any sense but I didn’t want them to die.

I apologize for any plot-holes/typos. I’ll go into hiding now, I’m nervous. (In case you missed my first post, this is my first time writing again in 10 years)

Please leave me feedback good and bad!, if you want to! x

#squid game fic #squid game fanfic #salesman fic #salesman fanfic #salesman pov #feelings #emotions #i'm nervous

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kim-seungmine · 4 years

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dream the night away

title: dream the night away

characters: (fem) reader x hwang hyunjin of stray kids

genre: slice-of-life, romance, angst, best friends to lovers au, idol au, idol!hyunjin, hyunjin centric, inspired by 3racha’s cloud 9 but not really?

warnings: minor character death, sometimes heavy, slow burn (aka i wanted it to be but i wasn’t patient enough), i tried to proofread, i gave up trying to format text convo on tumblr, i think they kiss a lot.

word count: 11.6k i’m so sorry

synopsis: one night, hyunjin wonders how he long can stay floating on cloud 9 before he loses his balance and falls all the way down to the pits of hell. After that, nothing feels right.

disclaimer: this is idol!hyunjin so i just wanna say that this is not how hyunjin is in real life and im not trying to convince you that he feels the things in the story. some parts are inspired by the things they’ve said but everything that happens here is pure fiction... which actually goes without saying since this is a fanfic, but i just feel the need to say it. for my personal long ass author’s note, you can read it below.

Hyunjin is met with darkness when he steps into the dorm. It used to be more packed, it used to be messier, and it used to be really loud. Now he only shares the dorm with the 00z who are surprisingly quiet if you think about it. Seungmin sleeps early, Felix has his headphones stuck to his ears and plays games until the sun rises, and Jisung is snugged somewhere watching movies. On busier days, Seungmin and Felix are at the company for lessons and Jisung spends the night at the studio with Chan and Changbin. Hyunjin, meanwhile, usually has some photoshoots.

However, tonight feels unnaturally quiet, especially since Hyunjin has just won his first Bonsang as a solo artist. He switches the lights on, and his friends are soundlessly huddled together by the fridge, Jisung holding a small cake.

“Surprise!” Seungmin exclaims rather flatly as Hyunjin drops to the floor out of shock, shouting profanities. Felix proceeds to grab some candles from the kitchen counter and lights them up. “Come on, blow the candles."

Hyunjin lets out an amused sigh, rising to his feet before blowing all the candles out. “Please tell me these aren’t those candles that stay lit n—what the hell.”

He continues blowing, his friends giggling while Seungmin groans. “Why did you have to curse? I was about to post that on Instagram Story!”

“Why are we doing this anyways? We’re not 18 anymore,” Hyunjin protests half-heartedly. He can’t really remember the last time they gave each other a proper surprise. It feels like ages ago. Jisung scoffs, searching for a knife inside one of the kitchen drawers. Slicing the cake, he retorts, “Your dramatic ass loves surprises, stop denying it.”

“Anyone has anything to do tonight? The hyungs want to come over,” Felix informs while typing on his phone. Hyunjin’s vibrates after a few seconds; everyone on the Stray Kids group chat must be congratulating him.

Seungmin opens the chat, frowning. “Where’s Jeongin?”

“He hasn’t been replying since hours ago. That brat probably fell asleep. Just ask his bro if he’s home,” Hyunjin suggests, about to reply to Chan’s message when another message pops up.

y/n: sorry i couldnt watch the show

y/n: but i saw the news! congratulations!!

y/n: so proud of you, as always!

Hyunjin’s eyes light up at your messages. It’s been months since he saw you; he’s been busy with his solo debut and you’ve been busy with school. When both of you were children, you often pictured how life would be. Hyunjin would be a famous soccer player for Manchester United and the captain of South Korea national team. You would be studying to become a doctor.

He finds it funny that you’re doing the exact same thing while he’s doing something he never even imagined before. Hyunjin is always amazed at how well you planned your whole life and executed every single plan, albeit not always instantly.

After all these years, though, he dares to say that both of you turned out okay. Amazing, even.

“Order whatever you want. I’m eating outside but I’ll be back soon,” Hyunjin tells his friends, bombarding you with messages before you turn your phone off, the thing you always do when you’re about to cram.

Seungmin arches an eyebrow. “Y/N?”

“Yeah. I asked whether she wants to eat gopchang with me.”

“You should really be careful.”

“Everyone knows we’re best friends. No one will make a weird rumor or anything.”

Jisung clicks his tongue. “Well, do you?”

Whenever someone talks about you, it always leads to this very conversation. Hyunjin decides to let Jisung’s question (sarcasm) hang in the air, but he knows the answer. Yes, he knows you and him are just best friends. Does he like it that way?

Hyunjin knows the answer to that too. He only pretends that he doesn’t.

You’re already slurping your soup when Hyunjin says hi to the restaurant owners, Mr and Mrs. Jang. “Oh Hyunjinnie, I just watched you on TV. You won something, right?” he asks. His wife ushers him to sit down, putting extra servings of kimchi on the table.

“Why didn’t I get extra kimchi?” You pout, shooting a jealous glare at Hyunjin who’s busy explaining what a Bonsang is to the owners.

“You did a good job, then,” Mrs. Jang coos. “You don’t need to pay today. It’s on us!”

You quickly put your spoon down. “What about me? I barely sleep thesedays, and I’m not as rich as Hyunjin!”

“Aigoo, you started eating before your friend came then demand for free food. You’re lucky we love you as much as we love Hyunjin.”

The couple laugh at your reaction, jokingly scolding you for being whinier than Hyunjin when it used to be the other way around. He smiles, remembering all the times he forced you to eat his eggplants for him and the times when he begged you to help him study because he needed to beat all of his friends.

“Eat,” you scowl. “You only have half an hour to brag. I have a night shift.”

Out of the times you’re being petty towards him, you were only seriously petty once: when he beat your English score in ninth grade although you were the one teaching him. He had to bribe you with a week’s worth of Haribo jellies before you stopped ignoring him.

Hyunjin giggles. “When’s your exam? Tomorrow?”

“Next week,” you whine. “But I have so many things to do! And I think someone stole my notes, I can’t seem to find them anywhere. Do you even understand half the pain I’m going through right now? All I need is one solid hour of sleep.”

“Hmm,” he hums. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

You widen your eyes, eyeing Hyunjin from head to toe. “Sometimes I forget you’re Stray Kids’ Hyunjin.”

He pretends to stab himself on the chest. “That h-hurts,” he fake-groans. “Then who do you think I am?”

“My neighbor,” you answer. “—who doesn’t even live at home anymore.”

“To be fair, you’re practically holed in hospital now.”

“Yeah but I go home every two weeks? You go home twice a year.”

“Excuse me?! I went home on your birthday… in the middle of a tour! I could’ve been sleeping or practicing, but I came home!”

He always “argues” with you until both of you are out of breath, clutching your chests because it somehow feels hilarious. You drink the last few drops of the soup right from your bowl, setting it back on the table and empty your glass in one go.

“I don’t have enough energy for this,” you sigh dreamily, prepping your head on your arm. “Tell me about everything. Your first Bonsang.”

Hyunjin can still hear his fans’ voices chanting his name and cheering for him as he delivered his speech while sobbing (this is what he hates from solo promotions, nobody else is there to stop him from crying or taking over the mic from him so he could calm himself down). He remembers every single word he said and the proud faces of his fellow artists. The thrill, the triumph, the satisfaction, the love… it’s making him emotional all over again.

He grabs a tissue to blow his nose. “I was surprised when the company said that I was invited. Our group hasn’t made a comeback this year, and although my song did chart quite well, I never expected they would even invite me.”

“They gave me a 5-minute stage! I was so happy, I sent you my rehearsal videos, right?”

You nod, imitating one of the moves in his dance break.

“Everything was even more amazing on stage, with Stays watching me. I think I was possessed during the performance… I was goddamn nervous though.”

“Yeah, I watched it on the way here. You kept licking your lip, I don’t care if your fans think that’s hot. To me you’re just a nervous mess…”

Hyunjin has started to pout when you add, “… who did a very great job nevertheless! It’s just that I’ve known you so long. You can’t hide anything from me.”

He notices how you’re holding your breath, waiting for him to respond. After years, Hyunjin thought he would take negative comments much less seriously, but apparently it didn’t become easier. It became harder, so hard that he had to take a 3-month hiatus last year.

With you, everything is different. You can tell him that he sucks big time and he’ll take it seriously, but he never gets offended. There are a lot of times when people treat him like he’s made of glass (or a snowflake, Seungmin once said), but you treat him the way you’ve always treated him and he loves it. None of his other friends understands, but your honesty is priceless. It’s what keeps him going; he knows you’ll never cherish him less no matter what you say about the way he dances and raps, or the way he looks and behaves. And he’s sure that his honesty also means the world to you. You are each other’s toughest critic, but it will never change anything.

“Hyunjin.” You place your hand over his, eyes wide. “I’m sorry. It just slipped out of my mouth.”

He chuckles, flipping his palm to squeeze your hand. “You idiot. You just stated the facts.”

You squeeze his hand back before pulling away. “I’m looking at Hwang Hyunjin of Stray Kids who sold over 100.000 copies of his first solo album, who won Bonsang for the first time, who gets worshiped by everyone he locks eyes with—except for me of course. I’m a very proud friend.”

“Stop it.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, but unable to hide his smile once he sees you grinning like a happy child. “How much time do we have left?”

You glance at your phone, sighing when a reminder for you to study pops up. “5 minutes. I have to go back to the hospital soon.”

“Can you even study during your shift?”

“I have to,” you mumble. “Anyways, thanks for dragging me out. I did miss you after all.”

“I missed you too,” Hyunjin says, probably too quick for his own good but he doesn’t regret it.

“I’ll be going now.” You stretch your limbs, grabbing your bag and slinging it over your shoulder. “Any last words before I go to war?”

“I should be the one asking you that.”

“Oh, right.”

Chan is the only one awake by the time Hyunjin gets back home. He huffs in regret, knowing that the hyungs decided to stay over to celebrate his Bonsang win. The leader greets him with a bear hug, carefully avoiding Felix and Minho who are fast asleep on the floor. “We’re so happy for you!” he whisper-yells. “How was Y/N?”

Hyunjin returns his hug with an even tighter one. “Thanks hyung. You composed the song after all! And sorry I came back too late.”

Chan shakes his head. “Nah, it’s fine. At some point we forgot why we were here and just started playing mafia.”

“Y/N is fine, anyways, just tired.”

“She’s always tired, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. It turns out that medical students are probably more tired than us.”

Hyunjin leads Chan to his bedroom. Each of the 00z has their own bedroom now. It’s much more convenient and they can arrange their stuff however they want to (they avoid entering Jisung’s room as much as possible), but Hyunjin misses the mess at times. The old dorm was cramped, either too hot or too cold, and way too noisy, but it was home for quite a long time.

Chan seems to be having the same thought. “We miss you kiddos sometimes,” he laughs. “But we fixed that sliding door. It closes properly now.”

“As long as Changbin hyung keeps opening it with too much force it will be broken again in no time. Trust me.”

Both of them are lying on Hyunjin’s king size bed, staring at the sideboard table he dedicates for his music show—and now, music award—trophies. “The kids don’t really say it but they’re all so proud of you. I’m proud of you. I raised you well, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you kinda did.”

“Kinda?!”

“I’m joking.” Hyunjin scrunches his nose. “You raised all of us. We raised Jeongin. And we raised each other.”

“3racha are almost finished choosing the final songs, you have 2 weeks to relax then we’ll start production right away. Our next tour won’t start until May, so we have plenty of time to prepare everything.”

“Ohhhhh I can feel my bones breaking already. We’re getting old,” Hyunjin whines.

Chan pats his thighs, cracking his knuckles before jumping out of bed. “You’re getting old,” he teases.

“I’m glad, though. Everything finally works out the way we wanted to. I guess we can say that we’re doing well now, right?”

Chan doesn’t wait for Hyunjin to answer and leaves the room right away. The latter ponders the rhetorical question for a while, recalling the goals they have reached for the past few years. Entering the Melon chart (and staying on Top 20 for a week), having one of the most successful world tour, winning prestigious awards at prestigious music awards, 3racha getting acknowledged as the industry’s top composers, 00z winning music shows for their unit debut last year, Jeongin getting drama roles, and last but not least, Hyunjin’s successful solo debut.

Feeling nostalgic, he scrolls through his phone, looking at old photos and silly videos. Looking at the lyrics he wrote on his note app. Then he goes through @realstraykids’ posts on Instagram, from when Jeongin still had braces until tonight. The latest selcas on his own official account are still getting likes, the fans showering him with praises.

Hyunjin has ticked off everything from his wish list. He has reached every goal he set a few years ago. They are doing well. He’s doing well.

He looks at his surroundings, immersing himself in the space and peace of his room that he once craved desperately. He’s supposed to be at peace now, but his mind won’t stop buzzing, asking himself what to do next.

For the very first time, Hyunjin realizes that he’s now floating on Cloud 9. Everything is perfect, he’s living his dream life. But at the back of his head, he can hear the clock ticking, ready to push him over the edge the moment he loses his balance, watching him fall all the way to the pits of hell.

Everything is perfect, but why does his heart feel so empty?

Hyunjin’s brows furrow as he tries to catch some comments the fans are posting. When he was a rookie he couldn’t get used to how fast the comments come in, and it’s something that doesn’t quite change. Probably he got used to it at some point, but they kept gaining fans that the comment section is always extremely active.

“Hyunjin oppa,” he pronounces the words slowly. ”Spo-spoiler please!”

He lifts his head to give the viewers a secretive smile. “Nope.” He wiggles his forefinger. “You have to wait for the teasers!”

“Ohhh the comments! You guys are so excited I can’t keep up!”

More comments flood in, and Hyunjin has to press his phone screen in order to read the one comment he’s been trying to read. “Recommend me a song, please!”

“Uhhh—” He takes some time to think of the songs he’s been listening to, tapping his fingers against the surface of the table while the comments keep coming in, but this time he spots words that stab him right on his gut. With trembling hands, he lifts his phone, clicking the report button as subtle as possible. His vision grows blurry as he reports every single comment that has the word “fuck you”, “die” or “talentless” in it.

The pause has become too long and too awkward, so he stops himself from reporting more and stares at the lens. “Ah, song recommendation!” he exclaims. “I have quite a lot but thesedays I’ve been listening to 00z songs a lot. We had so much fun promoting together.”

Hyunjin feels his other phone vibrating in his pocket, probably his mother checking in. It gives him a boost of energy, and he tells his fans he’ll stay with them for 10 more minutes. “When we’re just talking like this, I’m always reminded that we’ve come so far,” Hyunjin says, a smile on his face. “It feels good to know that all of you are making time for us, for me, after your busy day. And no, I’m not sleepy. Don’t worry, everyone!”

He reads some more comments, mostly cheesy pickup lines to cheer himself up as his brain is still trying to get all the hurtful words out of his system. “Ah, I think I have to go now,” Hyunjin announces lowly. “I have to go back to practice, if not Chan hyung will barge in and drag me back to the practice room.”

“What? You want me to get scolded by Chan hyung? Why are you so mean?!”

Hyunjin ends up staying for 20 more minutes before finally ending the broadcast. Conversation with his fans is something he values a lot; it gives him strength and makes him laugh. It makes him feel loved and he wants his fans to feel the same.

But it’s equally tiring. He has to brace himself for some less-than-nice comments, sometimes they are way too severe for him to handle that the company sues all the commenters. You’ve told him over and over again that those people aren’t his fans.

Everything could’ve been worse. Hyunjin still considers himself very lucky that he has much more fans than haters. Still, he often imagines how it will feel if he has no hater at all, since he does have some friends who seem to only hear pretty words.

Hyunjin stays inside the room for a few more minutes, replying to Seungmin’s messages and assures him that he’ll be back soon. He idly plays one of their songs he hasn’t heard for years, the song that was always included in their setlist before being replaced by some other songs. Hyunjin initially thought he wouldn’t need that song anymore, but tonight, he needs it. Maybe he needs it more now than before.

After making a mental note to ask the other boys to add the song back to the concert’s setlist, Hyunjin leaves, cursing himself for taking too much time to regain his composure.

Should I stop or not? Should I give up or not?

“Hwang Hyunjin, stop coming into my room without my permission! You literally trespassed into someone else’s property!”

Hyunjin groans into his pillow, instantly regretting his decision to pick up your call at midnight. “I didn’t!”

“Don’t lie to me. You took Gureum with you!”

He takes a quick glance at the rabbit plushie he placed on top of his pillow. Last night, he did go home because Kkami (everyone calls him old man now) got a little sick. “I miiiiight have made a quick detour next door when I was about to leave.”

“You’re pathetic. You got soooooo many plushies and toys and cute headbands from fansigns and you stole my Gureum.”

“Stop guilt tripping me! I missed Gureum, okay? Why didn’t you take him to your dorm?”

Hyunjin senses your hesitation as you clear your throat. “Well, sometimes seeing Gureum only makes me miss everyone more, so I just left him at home.”

Now he feels guilty. Your parents are currently staying overseas to take care of your sick little sister. He pictures you coming to an empty home every two weeks, exhausted and not having anyone to welcome you.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“Our superstar isn’t busy?”

“I am, but I’m willing to sacrifice my precious time for my best friend.”

You scoff over the phone, but telling him to hurry up before ending the call. Hyunjin packs his clothes and toiletries, along with Gureum—his birthday present for your 11th birthday. You almost never sleep without it, yet the plushie still looks brand new.

Unable to hide his smitten smile, Hyunjin grabs his keys.

The apartment complex where Hyunjin lives has changed a lot over the years. The soccer field he used to play at is now a playground. The little bookstore you loved so much is now a bakery. Now there’s a big shopping mall right across the building. After saving up for a while, Hyunjin asked his parents whether they wanted to move to a bigger place. He kind of hoped that they wouldn’t want it because he wanted to stay close to you (although coming home is a real challenge for him). Luckily, his parents said no.

He enters your door password leisurely, recalling the time when your parents told him to take care of you.

So far, you’ve been the one taking care of him.

Hyunjin heads straight to your bedroom, opening the door and sees you curling on your bed. The mattress he sleeps on whenever he stays over is already laid on the floor.

“Gureum!” you yell when he throws the squishy rabbit to you. Hyunjin drops his bag and settles himself on the mattress, staring up at you.

“How’s your sis?”

You scoot towards the end of the bed, showing him a photo on your phone. Your sister is smiling; she looks much better than before, but still very pale and thin. “I haven’t called her,” Hyunjin admits. “But she got the albums I sent to her. Sent the ones signed by the others too. That kid loves Jisung, do you know that?”

“I got her into Jisung.”

He sits up, looking almost offended. “Your bias is Han Jisung?”

“This world doesn’t revolve around you, superstar.” You flash him a cheeky grin. “I wanted to ask you to let me go to the backstage again last tour, but I restrained myself. As your kind best friend, I shouldn’t abuse my privilege.”

“You know that he never cleans his room, right?”

You hum, “Nobody’s perfect, Jinnie.”

“Oh come on!” Hyunjin protests. “If it’s Jeongin I understand although he also never cleans his room. But Jisung? And you’re calling yourself my best friend!”

“He’s funny!” you argue. ”He has a nice voice—it’s really sexy when he raps, he dances well, he wrote all my favorite Stray Kids songs, and he actually had the balls to fight you. A real champ.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, making a gesture to snatch Gureum away from you. “And at the end of the day, you love him,” you add. “He makes you laugh too.”

Well, it’s a fact he can’t refute. You ask, “Do you think I should hit on him or something? Will people call me out? Does he have someone?”

“We are not having this conversation Y/N. I don’t care if both of you are my best friends, you’re not dating Han Jisung. What happened to that ‘hot senior’ Jung Jaehyun? The last time we called, you were so in love with him.”

The mention of Jaehyun’s name causes you to slump into your bed, covering yourself with your thick blanket. “I sort of blew it up,” you mumble. “He asked me on a real date and I said no.”

You seem to hit realization that’s way too late, and now you’re hollering, “I said no to Jung Jaehyun! Oh my God Hyunjin… I’m such an idiot!”

Hyunjin can’t contain his giggles. Relief washes over him; you and Jaehyun seemed rather serious and while he wished you well, the thought of you being with someone else always pains him. He knows he’s not allowed to feel that way just because you’re best friends.

Most of the times, he can’t help it.

“He’s a real gentleman and he said he was into me. ME. Everyone would throw themselves at him but he came up to me and I flat out rejected him. What the hell is wrong with me?!”

You’re rolling on your bed, whining and kicking at the air. “I tried not to think about it but… it was just a date? Even if I didn’t end up dating him at least I could tell my grandchildren that I went on a date with Jung Jaehyun!”

“Is he really that great?” Hyunjin asks, out of curiosity but laced with jealousy he hopes you can’t see. His words sound distant to his own ears, triggering his fear of losing you.

“Yeah, I guess?”

You nudge his legs when he doesn’t respond. “How about you? Everything’s fine? You don’t look happy thesedays.”

Hyunjin never lies to you. You have a full access to his heart; he lets you in on his happiest days when life feels like the shiniest summer. He also lets you in even after the messiest thunderstorm when he feels that everything is fucked up. This time, he wants to lock you out. There’s nothing to see, there’s nothing to fix.

His heart is empty—he is empty, and he wants to protect you from the bleakness of it.

“I’m fine, just been arguing with Felix and Minho hyung over the song we’ll perform. It feels too monotone for me, but they think it’s perfect,” he explains, not completely lying. “I don’t know if I’m being selfish but somehow I just can’t let it go.”

“Have you tried explaining to them? Not how you feel, but how the song is. You can always go technical, you don’t need to worry just because Minho is more experienced.”

Hyunjin sighs. “I did, but probably it’s just me.”

“Do you wanna talk things out?” You yawn, squishing Gureum into your chest. “Or do you want to just sleep?”

He glances at the clock. “We both need sleep. It’s almost 3A.M.”

“Alright. Good night—I mean good morning!”

Hyunjin stretches his neck to look at you, your eyes are already closed. He relaxes his body and tries to sleep, but his jumbled mind keeps him awake. Hyunjin waits until you’re fast asleep before scooting closer, softly taking your hand in his before closing his eyes once again. He did it a lot when he was younger, holding your hand until he fell asleep. You nagged at him because it woke you up, but you never told him to stop doing it.

Tonight is no different.

“Hyunjin?”

“Sorry.”

You turn to him, “It’s okay.”

He mumbles a thank you, ready to go to sleep when you move to the mattress. Hyunjin gulps at the close proximity, it’s been too long since you slept on the same bed as him.

“Hyunjin, I missed you.”

Hyunjin heard a theory somewhere: 3.A.M-conversations are the most honest. It’s a little over 3A.M now, and he doesn’t how much of that theory is true, but your words fuel something deep within him. The feeling so strong he has to tear his gaze away from you. Hyunjin slowly pulls you into his arms, patting your back in rhythm with the clock.

He grazes his lips on your shoulder, mouthing his reply quietly, “I missed you too.”

You nod against his chest, pulling your hand out of his grasp so you could circle your arms around his torso.

Hyunjin falls asleep almost immediately, succumbing to the warmth and comfort you radiate.

He’s going to be alright.

“Do you think I’ll ever debut?”

Hyunjin takes off his SOPA jacket, plopping onto the bed while you’re munching on a pack of jelly. “Let me sleep for 10 minutes. I have to go to the company after this.”

You slap his thigh. “Why do you always sleep in my room? If I got a dollar everytime you sabotage my bed I’d be really rich now. Get out, you have practice!”

He reaches for your knee, using it as a pillow. Hyunjin feels you soften as you card your hand through his hair. “Is it hard? Are those mean hyungs still bothering you?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Changbin hyung told those motherfuckers to mind their own business.”

“Stop cursing!” you hiss. “It’s not cool, and what if you accidentally curse on broadcast later? You have so much to learn…”

Hyunjin opens his eyes and smiles when he meets your gaze. “Do you think I’ll ever debut?” he repeats his question.

“Have you seen yourself dancing? You’re better than most of the trainees I saw at the open showcase. Plus you have so many girls screaming your name. No offense, but that is definitely a plus point.”

You give his head a little smack when you notice doubt flashing through his orbs. “I believe in you, Hyunjin. Don’t doubt yourself,” you tell him softly. “And if you need someone to give those ‘motherfuckers’ a lesson, just call me. I know some people who can shut them up.”

He lets out an obnoxious gasp. “Are you a gangster now?! Your parents are going to be so disappointed in you. Looks like you have to say goodbye to medical school now…”

You sigh, now it’s your turn to look at Hyunjin with doubt in your eyes. “I’ll get in, right? What if I flunk my results later?”

“This is why I hate smart people,” he bemoans. “You rank first in the whole school, stop saying nonsense.”

Both of you a few more minutes lying in silence. When he waves you goodbye, Hyunjin feels like he can soar.

He’s safe with you, and you’re safe with him.

“Hwang Hyunjin, get off me!”

Hyunjin wakes up to you trying to untangle your legs from his. He catches your flailing legs, removing his before examining your face. “It’s almost noon. Aren’t you running late?” you pester, pointing at the clock.

“Lunch?” he asks.

This is supposed to be awkward. Hyunjin can’t recall what happened a few hours ago before blushing—he’s never been that intimate with you before. You two have had a fair share of platonic cuddle sessions, but last night felt different.

“Not yet,” you mutter. “I just woke up. Oh God my back hurts.”

He wants to know whether you feel the same, but you’ve made your way to the bathroom before he could ask anything. “What do you want to eat?” you yell, almost incoherently due to the toothpaste in your mouth.

“You’re not going to shower?” Hyunjin playfully shrieks.

“It’s my day off!”

“My mom must’ve cooked something. Gimme 10 minutes.”

Although he’s done this at least a hundred times, it’s still hard for Hyunjin to leave home. Seeing his he’s never able to stop his heart getting heavier at the sight of bidding his family goodbye until God knows when.

“Please come home more Y/N,” his mother asks you, raising her eyebrow. “Hyunjin seems to randomly pop up whenever you’re here, so please, come home more.”

You smack his back loudly, causing him to let out a choked groan. “I’ll teach him a lesson, don’t worry.”

Hyunjin gives his mother a sheepish smile, knowing all too well what she meant. He pulls you out before she starts grilling him for information, yelling one last goodbye before closing the door. You search for something inside your bag, stopping him from pressing the elevator button.

“You left something?”

“My dorm key,” you answer, walking back to your own unit. “You should just go,” you say. “It’s in the middle of the day anyways, we shouldn’t be seen together.”

Hyunjin follows you inside, watching you rummage through one of the buffet drawers. He notices how your shoulders are slumped and the way your eyebrows furrow. As his mind wanders to last night once again, you jab at his stomach lightly. “Hey, you’re spacing out.”

“Oh,” is all Hyunjin can say. He takes a good look of you, something he always does before he parts ways with you. Before he can stop himself, Hyunjin has wrapped his arms around you, letting you hear his erratic heartbeat. He still misses you, even after spending the whole night together.

Eventually, you pull away. “I’ll go first.” You ruffle his head. “See you when I see you?”

“See you soon,” he corrects you.

You smile, taking your bag from the floor and when he blinks, you’re gone.

Hyunjin still misses you now, even when you were just in his embrace a few minutes ago, burying your head into the crook of his neck. The empty space in his heart seems to expand whenever he thinks about you.

It hurts.

Minho ends the dance practice and everyone collapses on the floor the moment the music stops playing. Hyunjin immediately restarts the discussion they had before practice started.

“We used to sing both Grow Up and You Can Stay, why do we have to choose one now?” he demands while all of them are sprawled on the floor. “Our fans miss it too, I think it’s the perfect chance to bring it back.”

Chan takes a deep breath, nodding at Hyunjin. “I can’t see why not,” he says with a chuckle. “I don’t even remember why we abandoned it in the first place.”

Hyunjin does, and he knows Chan does too. It was simple, really. The song that once gave them comfort turned into this big monster made out of their worst nightmares. Each member had cried to the song during some of their concerts, and now performing it in front of everyone always brings back the painful memories.

“Yeah, we should sing it again,” Felix adds, kicking Jisung’s leg so the latter would sit up and voice out his opinion. “Well.” Jisung scratches the back of his head, “I’m cool with it.”

The rest of the group mumbles similar answers and Chan claps, giving Hyunjin a thumbs up. “Hyunjinnie is all grown up,” he praises before gathering his things and leaves. Hyunjin snorts at the leader’s compliment, but his sparkly eyes can’t fool anyone.

He pulls out his phone to relay the happy news to you, but the sparks in his eyes quickly fade when his messages from hours ago are still unread.

“What time are we leaving tomorrow?” he asks.

Seungmin checks his phone. “5A.M.”

Hyunjin wipes his sweat, chugging his water. Their American tour starts in a few days, and while he’s ecstatic because they’ll be performing at LA Staples Center for the first time, he also feels uneasy.

He takes out his phone, opening his contacts and stops when he sees your name. He stares at the number he remembers by heart.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks. “If you’re worried about District 9’s formation change, don’t. You nailed it today.”

“District 9…” Hyunjin trails off. “We’re getting too old for District 9.”

Jeongin grunts in agreement. “Whenever we finish my head always spins for like a minute. It’s been too long.”

“Yah,” Seungmin scolds him. “You need to get it checked. What if there’s something wrong with your head?”

The youngest does an exaggerated head banging, earning a kick from the puppy-like boy. Hyunjin chuckles at the two’s antics; some things never really change, and he’s grateful that this is one of those things.

Seungmin throws a playful punch at Jeongin’s stomach one last time before focusing his gaze back on Hyunjin. “Seriously though, did something happen?”

Hyunjin’s brain has a lot of template answers to questions like this, but the cliché words on tip of his tongue feel burning. His friends wait patiently as he fumbles for words, blinking his tears away when he fails to find the right words.

“I don’t even know if there’s anything,” he finally concludes. “It’s just—ever since Bonsang, it’s been hard. It’s been… nothing. Empty.”

Seungmin and Jeongin only nod, as if they understand how he feels. They probably do, Hyunjin thinks. Maybe he’s not the only one. Maybe all of his members have experienced it at some point, although at different times. Hyunjin feels slightly relieved at the thought. I’m not insane.

When he was a trainee, he thought everything would be fine once he debuted. It was, to some extent. But he was young and naïve, and when things beyond his control happened, Hyunjin barely managed to stay afloat. People told him how to handle stress, how to voice out his concerns, how to manage his body, mind and soul. He knew how to survive, theoretically.

No one actually taught him nor the other boys, and for an 18 year-old boy, feelings got intense quickly. After some trials and errors, everyone figured that it was best not to bottle up their feelings. Once again, it sounded easy in theory. In reality, with so many things happening at once, most of them eventually created a space in their own heads to seal everything in. They endured.

Jeongin looks at him with hesitation, rubbing his hands together. “It happens,” he reassures him. “It’s okay to worry about it, hyung. But worry about it with me, please!” Jeongin raises his tone. “You can barge into my room anytime. You can annoy the hell out of me, but stop suffering alone, will you?!”

Seungmin can’t miss the chance to tease the maknae. “Says the one who cried alone all night long in the bathtub after losing his voice.”

“If I hadn’t found you, you would’ve passed out,” Hyunjin adds. Jeongin lifts his hands in defeat. “Whatever. But I meant what I said.”

“Our Jeongin is so dependable,” Hyunjin coos.

“You say that all the time.” Jeongin rolls his eyes. “And then still baby me.”

Seungmin takes Hyunjin’s phone from the floor, passing it to the owner. “Call Y/N.”

Hyunjin panics a little. “Why?”

Seungmin shrugs. “Better days start after meeting the person you want to see the most!”

“Speaking of you and Y/N,” Jeongin quips. “You guys aren’t in high school anymore, stop flirting with each other and date already.”

Hyunjin gets a surge of bravery and dials your number, but immediately regrets his decision with each passing minute. He almost ends the call when you finally answer. “Hyunjin?”

“H-hi,” he stammers. “Busy?”

“Kind of... What? What happened?”

“Can we meet? I only need a couple of minutes. You’re in Seoul, right?”

“I am. Hyunjin, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

It’s scaring me too.

“I want to tell you in person. Where are you? I’ll come to you.”

Hyunjin isn’t sure when the lines between best friends and something more started to get blurry. The worse thing is, he realized it way too late and things got complicated before he could do anything about it.

“It’s too late to back out,” he mouths to himself while opening the stairwell door in the hospital you’re currently at. You’re sitting on one of the steps, dozing off as your head hits the wall every now and then.

Hyunjin runs his hand through his hair, guilt consuming him. He sits beside you, pulling your head to his right shoulder. The two of you always attended the same school until high school, when he decided to enroll in SOPA instead of a regular school. Since then, he never really knows what’s going on in your life. You told him about your close friends, the small fights, medical students’ inside jokes, the good looking boys, all the knowledge and experiences you’re grateful for despite the never-ending suffering and constant lack of sleep. You told him everything, but he’s never actually seen you in your world.

You’ve seen enough of his world—you’ve gone to his concerts, awards shows, even fansigns (as a prank because you wanted to see him getting all flustered while pretending not to know you). Hyunjin never has the time or makes an effort to do the same, and while it’s completely understandable due to the nature of his job, he feels like he’s going to lose you.

As he brushes your hair out of your face, Hyunjin asks himself whether he’s good enough for you.

“Whoa,” you suddenly whisper, straightening your body. “Did I fall asleep?”

Hyunjin stops you from getting up. “You must be tired.”

“So are you.” You remove his hand from your head. “So tell me. What’s going on?”

You’re here, sitting beside him, only wanting truth to come out of his mouth. Hyunjin bites his lip, the urge to just let go is eating him up, his soul begging him to get some answers. The familiar hollowness is back, and tears start to roll down his cheeks.

This isn’t the first time he cries in front of you, so you just pat his head, waiting for the tears to stop. “I’m sorry,” he groans. “I’m so sorry Y/N.”

You lift his head, eyes looking straight into his. “What for?” you mutter. “Hyunjin, please tell me.”

Hyunjin makes a silent plead at himself to toughen up, but it’s hard when you’re staring at him like this, wide eyes filled with raw concern and sincerity that never fail to touch the deepest part of his heart. “Hmm?” you prompt, still patting his head ever so softly.

“It’s been hard,” Hyunjin sniffles. “It’s hard to look forward to the future. I feel restless all the time. I have nothing to fight for. It’s…,” He makes gestures with his hand in attempt to explain it better. “… empty.”

You wipe his tears with the sleeve of your white coat. “Do you know why you feel that way?”

Hyunjin nods. “We’re doing well, we really are… and that’s probably why. Everything is going too well I don’t know what thrills me anymore. I thought I’d feel content once I reached all of my dreams, but that’s not the case.”

He examines your face, rehearsing the next lines in his head again and again. You cock an eyebrow, encouraging him to continue. And the last bit of Hyunjin’s defense crumbles with every blink of your pretty eyes.

“And you… I miss you all the time. Even when you’re right here with me, I still miss you. I have to hold back whenever I’m with you because I don’t want you to run away from me. I love you, Y/N. I don’t know when it all started but maybe I’ve always loved you and it hurts me not being able to tell you that. The emptiness… it gets worse whenever you tell me we shouldn’t be seen together or that you have to go or when you have other boys like Jaehyun who are clearly better for you than I am because they can be there for you. I love you so bad you don’t know how hard it is to go through days without you, without kissing you good night, without hearing you laugh for me. I keep thinking, ‘what if you’re suddenly gone?’ Maybe you’ll leave me someday, maybe you’ll tell me that you can’t be my friend anymore, but I need you, Y/N. I love you and I need you here with me to keep going. I—”

Hyunjin watches you slowly—very slowly—retract your hand from his head as words fail him, and he feels as if his guts are being hammered to pieces. He can’t read your eyes, can’t even try to define what your gaze means.

You eventually stand up, pulling him up with you. “I’m not the answer, Hyunjin,” you mutter. “You can’t expect that you’ll never feel empty again once I say that I accept your feelings. It’s just—it’s not fair. This isn’t just about us not being together.”

“But—”

“I know,” you cut him off, your body start shaking due to all the tension. “I know. That’s how you feel, and I can’t dictate you what to feel and not to feel. Think about it like this…”

You pause to check if he’s still listening to you. He nods, weakly.

“… you spent years working your ass off to get recognition from everyone, and you did it. Don’t ever forget that, I’m begging you. So all of your dreams have come true and you feel lost now… it’s okay. You have a lot of time, Hyunjin. You can always have a new dream, you can have a thousand more. Don’t make me the answer to everything just because you haven’t found any other answer.”

You wait for him to respond, but Hyunjin is frozen to his spot. His world is now upside down, and he doesn’t know how long it will take to fix everything.

Your phone rings, snapping him out of his trance. You look at him apologetically. “I have to go.” Those damn words again. “Ask Seungmin to help you ice your face, you don’t want to show up at the airport with swollen eyes, do you? Call me before you take off, okay? Hyunjin?”

He can only nod, trying his best to give you the most reassuring smile. He feels everything all at once: shock, shame, sadness… but mostly regret because you’re right.

You always are.

“Have fun on tour! Send me all the photos you take!”

Now it’s turn for Hyunjin’s phone to ring as you make your way out, leaving him alone. He’s about to press the green button when the door opens once again. Hyunjin lets his phone ring, watching you fidget with your hands.

He’s still pretty much tongue-tied, but forces himself to ask, “Did you ever… love me? As more than friends?”

To his surprise, you take quick steps towards him, tiptoeing to press your lips on his. Your eyes are closed, your hands are tied to your sides and it takes Hyunjin his whole willpower to refrain himself from pulling your body closer, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the life out of you. He closes his eyes and just stands there, accepting whatever you’re willing to give him because there’s nothing he yearns more than your love and trust.

Hyunjin almost whines when you pull away with red cheeks and teary eyes. “Come back to me when you’re ready. I’ll wait for you. Only you.”

It’s Hyunjin’s 10th (or 11th? He can’t really remember) visit to New York, but he’s still as excited as a kid with his lollipop. After years of traveling from country to country, Hyunjin realizes that he just doesn’t get bored, ever. Each place holds a special memory he keeps close to his heart, something sentimental that motivates him to go back every chance he gets.

“Stand there,” he motions at Seungmin—the only one who’s willing to accompany him walking around the Empire State Building for the nth time—to stand at the spot he points at. Seungmin follows his instruction, smiling when Hyunjin starts counting. They examine the result and Seungmin shoves his leg. “I guess you finally learned something.”

Hyunjin feigns hurt, setting his camera’s focus on a group of kids, holding his breath before pressing the shutter. “As if you taught me anything.”

He glances at his bandmate who’s busy taking photos with his own camera. Photo hunting with Seungmin is always in Hyunjin’s “limited free time” itinerary. They’ve strolled around so many cities together, sometimes it takes the whole day if time allows them. Strangely, Seungmin never gets bored of it either and although it’s no surprise since he loves photography more than anything else, Hyunjin is grateful.

“You never say no whenever I ask you to take photos with me,” Hyunjin states. “Why?”

Seungmin frowns. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just wondering,” Hyunjin mumbles. “We do pretty much the same thing everytime. Sometimes I force you to go to the places we’ve been to… don’t you get bored?”

“It’s always different everytime, I thought that’s why sometimes you take photos at the same place? It’s never exactly the same, don’t you think?”

Hyunjin goes through the photos he took in New York last year, smiling at some of them as he recalls the funny anecdotes behind them. When he slips his phone back into his jeans pocket and lets his eyes wander… yes, nothing is exactly the same.

“You truly are a photographer. When’s your next exhibition, Photographer Kim?”

Seungmin snaps his finger. “Ah! Exhibition! I forgot to ask you, why don’t we held a joint exhibition this time?”

“You want to show your photos along with my photos?”

“Why not? Yours are amazing too! And you’re my best friend, it’ll be fun.”

Hyunjin imagines having his photo framed on the wall. Small placards pinned underneath, containing the words he constructs to explain each of them. The fans will come to feel how it feels like to be here behind the lens. Maybe people who don’t even know him will come too, and get a chance to actually know him.

He reaches his phone to relay the idea to you, smiling to himself when he finds messages from you instead.

y/n: [sends a picture]

y/n: ahreum finally woke up today! isnt she pretty?

me: everyone is prettier than you

me: you must be happy!!

y/n: ??????

y/n: oh. she asked me to recommend boygroup songs

y/n: i made her listen to every single skz song

y/n: and your solo songs!!!!

me: awwwwwww

me: and you cant be doing this for free right?

“Is that your best friend slash girlfriend?” Seungmin is suddenly standing behind him, reading over his shoulder. “You guys are so cute it’s making me feel sick.”

Hyunjin sighs, gazing at the busy street upon him. “We’re not dating. At least not yet.”

“What happened? Just realized that I never really asked.”

“She asked me to come to her when I’m ready.”

Seungmin looks at him quizzically, but decides not to press him further. “Are you ready now?”

They’re flying back to Seoul next week, and while he thought he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the tour, he truly did. He thinks of all the good things that have happened: the sold out shows, the happy tears, his improvement, the upcoming exhibition with Seungmin, and lastly, you—the one who’s patiently waiting for him.

There have been a lot of times when Hyunjin feels like he’s everywhere but nowhere at the same time. It sounds scary, but now he realizes that he only needs to admit that he’s indeed everywhere, but never nowhere.

“Almost.”

The instrumental of Grow Up starts to play and all the boys rush back to their designated positions. The atmosphere turns a bit more sentimental as the bridge approaches, they’re just looking at each other while Minho is singing his part. In the past, they often teased each other during this very part, afraid that they would break down if they let their emotions overtake them. Hyunjin averts his gaze to the audience, watching the beautiful color of their lightsticks light up the huge stadium. As he gestures at some of the fans to stop crying, Hyunjin thanks himself for convincing the others to add the song back to their setlist.

The song comes to an end, and Chan gathers everyone to make a circle. Hyunjin feels pats on his head and back, Chan’s voice drowned by the fans who are still singing. He can’t resist the urge to turn around, so he does just that, and what he won’t trade what he sees for anything.

Their fans are standing there, eyes focused on everyone on stage as they sing each syllable perfectly. Changbin follows his gaze, and soon all of them are facing the audience again, listening to every wish, every hope, and every message relayed through the lyrics of the song.

Hyunjin lifts his mic, eyes darting to Chan who gives him a nod of approval. “Thank you,” he begins. “This is our last stop for this tour, and I can’t be any prouder and thankful to all of you.”

He lets the translator translate his speech before continuing, “I had a lot of worries before the tour started. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to go through everything.”

“You made our dreams come true,” Hyunjin continues. “You made my dreams come true and I naively thought that was the end of everything. But I learned a lot during this tour, and once again, you made this happen. All the pretty words you told us, they mean a lot. They always will. I realized that this will always be my dream, no matter how many times this has come true. I want to make you, who stay with us throughout everything, happy. I want to be here for a very long time. I want to be with you, to be with the members and our family, for a very long time.”

He stops when he feels he can’t continue anymore, letting the others take the spotlight. He gives each of his bandmates with a loving gaze, stopping at Minho who lets tears roll down his cheeks this time. Jeongin is giggling beside him, walking over to wrap the tsundere hyung in a firm hug.

Hyunjin thinks they’ve really come a long way.

Being back home usually gives Hyunjin a peace of mind, but when he sees no notification on his phone, he feels weird. He dials his mother’s number, his heart grows even more anxious when she picks up.

“Oh Hyunjin-ah, did you just land?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you come over here? Or do you have an important schedule?”

“No, we get 2 days off. What’s going on?”

“Y/N’s sister passed away. Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, we didn’t want you to panic.”

“Eomma! How could you?”

“I’m sorry. This is Y/N’s request as well. She’s been here for 2 days and no one can make her eat anything. Can you take her home?”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“You’re going to live in Germany! You’re such a lucky kid!”

The little girl smiles bashfully as you pout at her. “The luckiest girl on Earth,” you add, fixing her messy hair.

“If you’re so jealous of me, why don’t you come along?”

“Are you kidding?” you exclaim. “I’m on my way to be the greatest doctor in this country. You can’t change my mind.”

“Alright, it’s time to go,” your father interrupts, giving you one last hug before whispering things into your ear. Hyunjin steps back to allow you say goodbye to your family, tearing up at the painful sight. Your father, a doctor, accepts an offer to work in a hospital in Germany and takes the whole family with him since your sick little sister needs more intensive treatment.

But you’re staying to become a great doctor like your father, hoping you’ll get a chance to cure your sister later.

“Please take care of her, Hyunjin. We trust you,” your mother tells him. Hyunjin nods, enveloping your hand in his. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here monitoring her every move and drag her back home whenever she spends too much time at the academy.”

Your sister laughs, bowing to Hyunjin. “I also want a boyfriend like Hyunjinoppa! Please take care of our unnie.”

You yank your hand away from him. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

Hyunjin seems unbothered by your statement, bowing to your family to annoy you more. “Our family will take care of her, you can trust us.”

Your sister’s smiling face greets Hyunjin as he enters the funeral home. He stares at the photo then closes his eyes to pray, whispering strings of apologies that’s always too late. I’m sorry I never visited you. I’m sorry I failed to take care of your sister. I’m sorry I didn’t call you enough.

He bows to your family, the first bow since years ago, and he wishes he could turn back time. Hyunjin turns to you, gazing into your tired eyes. Your mother pulls him towards you. “She hasn’t eaten at all. Can you please bring her home, Hyunjin? I hope you’re not too busy. I’m sorry that we meet like this.”

“Hyunjin just landed in Seoul. How could you force him to come here?” you snap, returning his gaze. “Go home. I’ll call you later.”

Hyunjin almost yells in frustration, but swallows everything before dragging you out, only tightening his grip on your wrist when you try to pry his hand off of you. You keep shouting at him, yelling at him to stop, but Hyunjin doesn’t budge. He drags you all the way to his car, opening the passenger door for you.

“Get in the car, Y/N.”

Without waiting for you to move, he lifts your body and sits you down, fastening your seatbelt. “Please don’t push me away,” he pleads. “Why do you always tell me go home, go back to practice, to leave… why?! I promised your parents to take care of you. I promised your sister, why aren’t you letting me do that?!”

“I never asked you to do that,” you mutter through gritted teeth, causing Hyunjin to grip your shoulders.

“You only said that to hurt me,” he replies. “Even now you’re still trying to push me away. I want to be here Y/N. Don’t you want me here?”

You avoid his eyes, keeping your gaze on your clasped hands. “Tell me,” Hyunjin challenges. “Tell me that you don’t want me to stay with you, and I’ll leave.”

He waits for you to respond, letting out a relieved sigh he doesn’t bother hiding when you shake your head. “Want you here. Thank you.”

“Have you cried?”

After your sister was born, you were told not to shed tears in front of her. Your parents always scolded you if you started crying when you saw her in pain, and after some time, it became a habit. A habit that Hyunjin absolutely despises since it makes you suppress your feelings, as if punishing you for having feelings.

“I don’t know… maybe I haven’t.”

“You lost your sister, you can cry. Your parents cried a lot too, it’s fine.”

You nod, resting your head in the crook of his neck when tears start to well up. Hyunjin presses a kiss on your temple, finding himself tearing up the moment you start sobbing, something he has never witnessed although he’s known you for almost his whole life.

“Is this your Armani suit?” you manage to voice in the middle of sobs and snorts. He takes you into his embrace, chuckling, “Yes, but you can ruin it however you want. Another privilege as my best friend.”

“Can I abuse this privilege?”

“Ruining my expensive suits?”

“No,” you laugh airily. “Crying when you’re with me.”

Hyunjin cups your wet cheeks, gently pushing your hands away when you want to wipe your tears away. “Anytime. You can cry, laugh, curse, get angry, get drunk… you can do anything when you’re with me.”

And that’s all it takes before you start sobbing into his suit again. Hyunjin is standing there for the longest time, sandwiched by the passenger seat and door of his car with you in his arms. He doesn’t care, he will do it all over again, and he will do much more. For you, and only you.

“Where are you? It’s past midnight already!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, you’re lucky I’m willing to go home when I have a morning shift tomorrow,” you scold him over the phone.

“It’s my birthday! Wait, it isn’t even my birthday anymore!” he whines in an obnoxious tone that never fails to upset you. He giggles when he hears you huff, the sound of the elevator signaling that you’ve already arrived.

“You asked me to buy you a cake right before I left,” you hiss. “Now open the door, I’m outside.”

The call ends and Hyunjin rushes to the door. You’re carrying the red velvet cake he requested, the candles already lit and Hyunjin tries not to melt at the way you look at him. He did ask you to buy him a cake and “surprise” him at your apartment, but he is nowhere near ready to see you like this: all smiley and cheery for him despite sounding annoyed over the phone.

“Happy birthday,” you sing song, your smile growing wider as he blows the candle. Hyunjin returns your smile before taking the cake from you, pulling you towards your room. “Go get changed, I’ll slice the cake for you.”

A few minutes later, both of you are seated on your couch, talking about every little thing while enjoying the cake. Hyunjin tells you about Stray Kids’ upcoming comeback, a very special one since Minho choreographed the title track. You tell him about various cases that happened in the hospital while wondering if you’ll ever finish medical school and actually be a doctor.

Everything feels the way Hyunjin expects it to be, until you put your empty plate on the table and look at him straight in the eyes. “Hyunjin…”

He quickly swallows and places his plate on the table as well, never breaking eye contact with you. “What?”

You gulp. “Do you remember when I asked you to come find me when you’re ready?”

“Feels like yesterday.”

“Well,” you murmur. “I’m just wondering if you’re… ready.”

Fire lights up in his stomach, and before you can continue, Hyunjin is already trapping you between his body and the couch. “I am,” he says. “Are you?”

You brush his fringe with your fingers. “You were waiting for me?”

“You told me to start dreaming again, so I did,” Hyunjin recalls. “And I realized that all of my dreams are right in front of me—you, my family, the hyungs, Jeongin, the fans… keeping you guys with me is something I’ll always dream of although all of you are already here.”

You pout at him, but Hyunjin doesn’t miss the proud gleam in your eyes. “Then what’s taking you so long?”

He pinches your nose. “I waited for you to be ready, as you said before, it wasn’t just about us being together. I don’t want you to choose me only because you feel like you need me. I want you to… want me… to love me with a clear head. Just like what you wanted me to do. I want to give you the world, but only if you allow me to.”

You circle your arms around his neck, sighing happily, “You gave me the world, Hyunjin. You listen to me, you console me, you give me a shoulder to cry on. You’re the only one I’ve ever waited for, and I’m so glad that you came back to me.”

Hyunjin is sure that his whole system has stopped working, the words you just uttered feel like the strongest, yet the sweetest liquor he’s ever tasted. He is drunk on the love you offer; he’s drunk on your touch, your smile and everything you want to give him. You’re driving him nuts, completely nuts, but it’s the only thing he wants to feel. You are the only one he yearns to feel.

You seem to sense his burning gaze and start nibbling on your bottom lip. “So this is the part where you kiss me…”

“This is the part where I kiss you…”

You shake your head. “This feels weird. You’re my best friend.”

“You kissed me,” Hyunjin reminds you. “It’s not like we’ve never done it before.”

“No, but—” You pause to let yourself breathe. “I kissed you. This is different, I’m not going to survive you kissing me.”

“For the love of God Y/N, just—”

You point at your lips. “And I still have my lipgloss on!”

Hyunjin is caressing your reddening cheek now, trying to destroy the last bit of your defense. “And what’s wrong with that?” he asks softly.

“It’s sticky! Our lips will get stuck and it won’t be romantic.”

“So what do you want to do? Go into your room and wipe it off with a cotton pad or something?”

“Yeah, let’s do—”

Hyunjin doesn’t let you finish as he finally dives in, capturing your lips in a searing kiss that set both of you on fire. He hums when he feels your body relax in his hold, allowing him to savor you with so much longing and want. Hyunjin lets his heart take the lead, kissing you harder whenever you tug the ends of his hair and making him putty under your touch. It never feels enough, it feels like he only gets hungrier everytime you return his kiss, the feeling of your lips moving against his almost destroys him.

Nothing is stopping him now, he came back to you and you welcomed him with open arms. Hyunjin leaves one more open mouthed kiss on your lips before pulling away with a loud pop, taking in the sight of you trying to breathe. You slowly meet his eyes with flushed cheeks, eyes mirroring his own and Hyunjin tries to remember every single detail. “God I love you so much,” he hears himself whisper.

You smile, lifting your hand to trace his face delicately. “I love you.”

“Are you mine now?” Hyunjin knows this is childish, but he wants to hear it. He longs to hear it.

Thankfully, you’re willing to play his game tonight. “Only yours.”

“No more mourning over Jung Jaehyun?”

“Jesus Christ, do you need to stoop that low.”

“Yes.” Hyunjin pecks your nose. “He doesn’t listen to K-pop, right? Introduce him to me.”

You roll your eyes. “I love you, why the hell are we talking about Jaehyun now?”

“Then what should we talk about?”

“Since we’re on a competition to ruin the mood, lemme burst your bubble: my parents are moving back in next week so we need another place to do... this.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin answers. “What are we gonna do now?”

You wrap your legs around his torso, making him gasp. “I don’t know, kiss me again? I’m gonna tell you this just once, but I, along with thousands of other people, have always wanted to kiss you. It made me feel pathetic, but it is what it is.”

Hyunjin blushes, but refuses to lose to you. “You tried to make me not kiss you a few minutes ago and now you’re desperate to kiss me. Was I that good?”

“Hmmm I guess so,” you hum.

He swiftly lifts your body, grinning when you tighten your hold around his neck. “Well, I’m yours to kiss now,” he teases, trying to walk into room without knocking into things. You leave soft kisses all over his face, prompting Hyunjin to walk faster so he could just kiss you already.

When your back hit your bed, Hyunjin stops to admire your face. “I kissed you a long time ago, don’t you remember?”

Your eyes widen. “You? Kissed me? With those plush lips? When?!”

“You don’t remember? But it was our first kiss!”

You spend the next few minutes racking your brain before nodding. “Ah, it did happen a long time ago.”

“It’s okay, maybe you wanted to forget that moment. It was your darkest time, and I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Shaking your head, you run your thumb along his lip. “Thank you for staying with me all these years.”

Hyunjin closes the gap between you once again, hoping to chase away all the sorrow inside your soul. You pull him closer, making him practically lying on top of you, feeling your chest rise with each touch of his lips on your skin. “Thank you,” a kiss on each of your eye, “for,” a kiss on the tip of your nose, “making me,” a kiss on your lips—this time he lets it linger, “dream,” a kiss on your chin, “again,” and a kiss on your neck.

It took Hyunjin so long to understand the world, and now he still hasn’t understood even half of it. But in the middle of his journey, he met you. He learned to dream, he learned to love you.

And he learned to love himself.

The door opens with a bang, revealing an incredibly panicked Hyunjin. He just finished training when he received a call from you, who said nothing but, “I won’t let you walk home alone.” You wouldn’t end the call throughout his way home, but refused to say anything else and almost making Hyunjin dash to the police station.

Hyunjin sees your shadow, letting out a small scream when he spots you lying on the floor in the dark. He runs to you, about to carry you back into your room when you stop him. “I feel like crying,” you rasp, choking on your saliva. “I can’t stop it.”

It’s been a month since your family left, and while you’re trying your best to be a big girl and live the way you always do, it’s not easy. Hyunjin lies beside you, eyes locked on the tears rolling down your cheeks. You never cry loudly. You never sob nor wail. You just cry silently, mostly in the dark so you can’t see yourself crying.

Hyunjin takes your hand in his, hovering over you before tracing your tears with his lips as if it can stop them. He pecks every wet spot, slowly getting to your lips. He leaves a chaste, barely-there kiss before wrapping his arms around you, whispering comforting things until you start falling asleep on the hard floor.

Hyunjin hopes you’ll allow yourself to cry however you wish to someday.

a/n: i was so happy writing this that i almost cried when i finished because i know i’m going to miss writing this one. this story feels so sentimental, happy and sad at the same time and probably that’s why i feel so attached to it. ive wanted to write this since last year, even before “give my heart a chance”. i always wondered what would happen after we reach our dreams and i hope you’ll feel a little better after reading this (especially if you’re experiencing the same thing). this story is a long journey, but i hope you’ll enjoy it.

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nyappyforeverbr · 5 years

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100 Questions&Answers: Yuuki MEMORIAL ARTIST BOOK

In addition to several photos AN CAFE Memorial Artist Book also brought an interview and a special questionnaire of 100 questions with each of the 5 members. Here is the translation of the 100 questions with Yuuki’s 100 answers.

Translate: Japanese>Portuguese by Hiyori Portuguese>English by Shiro 001 How many sushi can you eat? 15 002 Which sushi's ingredient do you like? Breaded shrimp, tuna, corn and salad 003 If you have to eat something until you die, what it would be? Mochi 004 Which kind of lamen do you think has the strongest flavor? Tenkaippin 005 What do you in like in a hot drink? Bergamot Orange by Earl Grey 006 Which mixture do you think most matches rice? Shogayaki 007 What flavor of chewing gum do you like? Blueberry 008 What flavor of candies do you like? Milk-based 009 Soba or udon? Udon NOTE: Soba is a pasta made from buckwheat and udon is made from wheat only 010 Of your whole life, what was the most painful experience you've ever faced? (referring to physical damages) When I fell in the show 011 One part of body that demonstrates more confidence? Nose 012 What do you think about old times? Sloth 013 If you had won 100.000 yen what you would make? (Around 900 dolars) Renovate the furniture of the house 014 And about 100.000.000 yen? (Around 900.000 dolars) I would buy a house for me and my family and put the rest into the savings 015 I know this is kind out of reality, but if you could have a wild animal, which would be? I would be the capybara, they are very cute 016 To Cook, wash clothes, clean the house. Which one do you do better? Cook 017 If you were going for a walk with your girlfriend, where would you go? Hot Springs 018 Where would you spend your last days of life? (If you were an old man where would you want to live?) and why? Somewhere in a countryside, I think because I would have more social contact and I would do an exchange program 019 Is there anyone you consider to be the strongest person in the world? Of course it’s the candies 020 An anime character, manga, etc. that you consider to be the strongest?Deadpool 021 If you could turn into some anime character or something like this, who would you choose? The spiderman 022 First CD you bought? The album of Morning Musume 023 Your preferred winter song? “Yuki no Hana” 024 Your preferred xmas song? Meri Kuri 025 Forgetting that you were part of a band, if you were about to start one, what would it take? And why? A bass, they play fast and I can barely hear 026 And what would be the name you would choose for the band? Sweet Sweet 027 If you went to a desert island and could only take three things, what would it take? 1. Survival Knife2. Solar battery3. Cellphone 028 Do you know how to swim? Yes 029 Something you would never want to happen? Bungee jumping 030 If you were a child, how would you like to be called? At that time I seriously wanted to change this, something like Ramune, I even thought in DQN 031 Do you speak when sleeping? If yes, talk about something already happened to you.For now there is no information to prove this 032 If it was your last day of life, what would you do? I would like to stay with the person I like 033 What was the longest time you could stay awake? I guess it was about 60 hours or less? 034 If you could become someone important in history, who would you be? I don't admire anyone in particular... 035 Do you use a lot of emoticon on LINE? Have you been using LINE lately I’ve been using! The emoticon is Tsukkomi Kuma 036 What's the biggest lie you've ever told? "Hm? This? Afro? Yes Yes! It's my natural hair!" 037 Write the kanji that you think represents 2019 and why? 探 Because I'm looking for my new “me” NOTE: kanji's meaning is: to feel around for; to fumble for; to grope for; to search for; to look for 038 The most expensive thing you bought this year? On Kanon's birthday, I bought him an automatic machine to prepare several types of egg NOTE: If you’re interested in know how this looks like: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk0dfEiiBS8 039 The most convenient thing you bought recently? A cardcover for the Suica card, I bought this year NOTE: Suica (スイカ Suika) is a rechargeable contactless smart card, electronic money used as a fare card on train lines in Japan. 040 A number from 0 to 9 that you like more than others? 04 41 Your longest finger without the middle finger, is it your index finger? Ring finger? Or are they both the same size? Ring finger 042 The word you most speak? “I don’t know, but…” 043 At what time do you think "I'm being bourgeois"? When I prepare a dish and the ingredients are all very expensive 044 If you could have powers, which one would you choose? Power to make barriers 045 If there was a magic word that said things would happen, what would it be? Oh, yes! 046 If you have to choose a follow up for the curry what would it be? Cheese 047 Some kind of punishment game you'd like to avoid? Need jump from somewhere high 048 Do you like of a specific hour? Why? The night. Because I prefer night-time habits 049 How much would you pay for a T-shirt? 2.900 yen (Around 27 dollars) 050 Tell something you would say to you 10 years ago.Are you living!? Are you happy with this!? 051 If it was 50 years ago, what would you be doing? I would be happy... I guess? It would be all right... I guess? 052 How could you imagine yourself 10,000 years ago? I think the language would be completely different... 053 What is the first impression you have of each member of An Cafe? Miku: A handsome guy; Takuya: A reserved stylish dandy; Kanon: Ha? He scares me? He scares me?; Teruki: has a high voice 054 If underwear could have another name, what would you call it? “what you wear underneath” 055 A live that you can not forget? The first live in Shinjuku 056 During those 15 years which member has changed the most? I would not say one in particular. Other than me, if it's just about them, I think their feelings have changed. 057 Do you prefer the traditional breakfast or bread? I don't eat breakfast 058 A teacher you always remember? He was a teacher who was always angry 059 The most fun song in a live? "Darling” and “Hatsumitsu + Lemon = ?” Look like happy songs to me 060 Where do you most like to do a live? Shinjuku Reny 061 A thing you most buy at a convenience store? Jasmine tea 062 If you were not an artist, which career would you choose? A confectioner ... I guess? 063 Which city goes through your head before a live? After I joined An Cafe,, the first city we come back, Kagoshima 064 A stationery item that you like? Ruler 065 An electronic device that you like? Electric oven 066 A person you think is erotic? A friend from high school age 067 What do you think of the vocaloids? Incredible. They are conquering the world, no? 068 A TV show that you like? Ame Talk 069 What's the first live you've been? Precisely in Bou's last live 070 How many pairs of shoes do you have? I think about 3 pairs 071 What is your average time in the bath? 30 minutes, I think 072 A mobile app you liked right away? LINE 073 Do you use a computer for what purpose primarily? I want to use at the same time I use my cell phone 074 What have you found funny lately? Those funny things that happen on TV 075 Who would you most like to meet? My best friends of long time ago 076 When you were a kid, who was your superhero? It was a Power Ranger (I just can't remember which one) 077 The flavor of Umaibo that you like? Mentaiko (Pollock roe) NOTE: Umaibō or "delicious stick" is a small corn cylindrical snack from Japan. 078 An entertaining artist that you like? Tokyo 030 79 First time you did a makeup? After I joined An Cafe 080 Talk a little bit about your first live. I didn't understand very well what I could do and always was standing without doing anything at all (lol) 081 Do you prefer night or day? Night! 082 When you can't sleep what do you do? I watch lives about games 083 Not counting your part in the band, which musical instrument do you like? Guitars, because they're so stylish, no? 084 The oldest memory you have? When I was a kid, I asked them to buy me a gumball machine 085 What color do you like? Black and white 086 What is your favorite mascot? Kanon 087 Where do you usually buy your clothes? GU! 088 Are there any manga or magazines that you buy frequently? One Piece 089 How long you already waited for a person who did not show up? I calculate the exact time of things, so it was about 3 hours and 24 minutes 090 How many times can you do sit-ups? Lately I'm not counting, so I don't know... 091 At this exact moment how much you have in your wallet? When I saw it was 534 yen (Around 5 dolllars) 092 Which Cocoichi curry do you think is the most spicy and the topping? Level 2 and cheese topping NOTE: Cocoichi is a Japanese restaurant franchise specialized in curry 093 Subject at school that you was better? Physical education and music 094 Subject at school that you was worst? Apart from those I’ve mentioned now... 095 What do you do before each live? I get worried about the setlist and keep reminding myself over and over again 096 What is the essential item for a live? Cell phone and recharge batteries for backup 097 Are there any objects that you can not throw away? Things that make me have memories, even just a little bit, I can't throw it away 098 What do you usually buy at McDonald's? French fries! 099 What do you use at bedtime? For over 1 year I have been wearing a jersey shirt 100 Leave a message to Caffekos. Thank you very much for your support! From now on I want us to continue living supporting each other!

#an cafe #antic cafe #an cafe yuuki #an cafe memorial artist book #an cafe interview #an cafe translate #an cafe q&a #visual kei #jrock #oshare kei #rockstyle #an cafe keyboard #keyboardist #harajuku #Harajuku Fashion #japanese #jpop #cafekko #nyappy

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21st-century-flapper · 5 years

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There are people who have written not one but several 100.000+ word count fics on AO3. How the fuck even? And all over the course of a few months??? The longest thing I’ve ever managed fanfic-wise is 16.000, and it took me at least a month? Same with my magnum opus, also known as my barely made the required wordcount for winning NaNoWriMo story...

#just rambling #tell me ur secrets

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listening-to-thunder · 6 years

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Guardian Fic, Chapter 7/?

Words: 30751

With a Twist of the Kaleidoscope by Naye

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences (for now…)

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Shěn Wēi/Zhào Yúnlán

Characters: Shěn Wēi, Zhào Yúnlán, Dà Qìng, Yè Zūn, The SID Team

Additional Tags: Established Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, (…yeah the established relationship comes before the pining and slow burn), Mind Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Overthinking Guardian canon, Good thing fic has an unlimited f/x budget, word count: Over 100.000

Chapter Summary: If he lowered his outreached hand a fraction, Shen Wei could stroke Zhao Yunlan’s hair.

He doesn’t. But maybe some part of him wants to, because it takes him two tries to move his hand back to his side. Shen Wei scowls.

#guardian fic #weilan #guardian #guardian/镇魂 #just realized i haven't posted the last couple of chapter updates here #so have an update for the holidays!#with a twist of the kaleidoscope #about a third through what i've already written #ahhh i am so excited to share the rest!#and also finish it #yes that is a thing i need to do...#naye fic

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tiny-little-bird · 7 years

Note

Do you think Sansa is conscious how her touch affects Jon? I mean.. the two times she touched him she was trying to convince him about something.

Oh yeah, Sansa is very conscious about the fact that, when she touches him, she has power over him, and Jon is also very conscious of it too.

Thus why he tried (and succeeded) to pull a Sansa, by taking the initiative to grab and hold Dandelion’s hand in episode 6, just like Sansa did with him. He needed to convince her to fight with him.

& just like Sansa succeeded to convince Jon,

bloody worked

with (look at Jon’s face, he’s so proud of himself here, also, Puppy eyes! lol 😁)

Dandelion as well 🤗

Touch has power over people, it clouds your mind and judgment, makes your heart beat faster, your blood rush faster etc. Sansa came to this realization with Jon, and Jon came to the same realization with Sansa, and he put that knowledge to good use in season 7 with Dandelion 🙃

And when he saw that even after going on a suicide mission because of her, almost dying in the process, even after bending the knee, even after seeing the Night King, the WW and 100.000+ wights, she still hesitates, and can’t forget about the Iron Throne, he takes the touchy touchy thingy a level further, and decides to do the ‘Wohoo’ with her, to have her emotionally invested, so she won’t bail on them, when and if Cercei doesn’t keep her word 🙃🙃

Back to Jonsa, just look at how Jon reacts to Sansa’s touch and her puppy eyes, in the scene where she’s trying to convince him to fight for her, for Winterfell and for Rickon:

Jon: OMG, she’s holding my hand.

Sansa: *does puppy eyes*

Jon: *sighs* Damn it, not the puppy eyes, how am I supposed to say no, now? *nods*

Second time is when Sansa is trying to convince Jon to listen to her, and she uses the same tactic (puppy eyes and touching), which still confuzzles the hell out of him 😂

*such platonic*

*very delusional*

*much sisterly and brotherly feelings*

And it works, again. He starts listening to her, starts asking for her advice, and next thing you know, he does this:

He entrusts the ENTIRE North, to her.

This touchy touchy thingy is powerful af 🤗😆😆

Now, the only time Jon touches Sansa, is in the forehead kiss scene, where he needs Sansa to know that he loves her, that he’ll protect her, that he’ll keep her safe from harm, but that she needs to trust him in order for him to be able to do that, that she can trust him, that they must trust each other:

Puppy eyes ✔️

Initiates contact ✔️ (this counts as two touches btw, first one when he gently places his hand at the side of her head/cheek, and second one when he gently kisses her forehead)

Puppy eyes round 2 ✔️

Sansa needs a moment to recollect herself, because that shit was sweet/tender/intense/gentle af, and she’s “slightly” overwhelmed ✔️

Puppy eyes round 3 (plus lip staring for maximum effect lol) ✔️

Sansa is still shook, she’s thinking about what just happened, and her lips are curved into a tiny smile ✔️

I think we can all agree, that Jon’s forehead kiss was super effective 😆☺️💙

Nothing LF tried, to build a bridge between them, worked, because they ‘deeply’ love each other, trust each other and would do anything to keep each other safe, their relationship is built on love and trust.

So conclusion, yep, they’re both very conscious about it.

Thank you for the ask nonny, really enjoyed answering it ☺️✌️💙

#JonsaIsComing 💙

272 notes · View notes

dissertationtara · 5 years

Text

UX Myths Research:

Over the summer I decided to carry on my research about UX Design and found various articles which could potentially help with my dissertation, if not my career post graduation.

Since I hadn’t yet re-started my blog all of my note takings was on Microsoft Word. With additional notes to the side of the research.

***** Attached in the blog PDF will be this word document.

Here are the main sections of the notes:

Here is the file copied and pasted from the word document without the comments in place:

UX Design Myths

(Needs to be added to bibliography/reference list)

Note: None is paraphrased.

https://uxmyths.com

Myth #1: People read on the web

Dissertation Preparation Research Material

https://uxmyths.com/post/647473628/myth-people-read-on-the-web

“People only read word-by-word on the web when they are really interested in the content.

They usually skim the pages looking for highlighted keywords, meaningful headings, short paragraphs and scannable list.”

Statistics on this myth:

In 2013, analytics vendor Chartbeat analysed Slate and other websites and found that most visitors scroll through about only 50-60% of an article page. What’s more interesting, it seems to be : people readily share your articles even without reading them - You Won’t Finish This Article.

Jakob Nielsen’s eye-tracking study from 2008 indicated that less than 20% of the text content is actually read on an average web page.

In another usability test, Nielsen tested different wording styles for a website. Concise, scannable and objective copywriting resulted in 124% better usability.

In a usability study Gerry McGovern discovered that only 1 out of 15 users could locate a specific piece of information that was not scannably placed on the page.

Steve Krug claims in Don’t Make Me Think that one of the most important fact about web users is that they don’t read, they scan.

Research shows that if people read a piece of content for pleasure, they read more thoroughly and find reading effortless even on a computer screen.

Studies show that there are methodical web readers who usually don’t scan but read from top to bottom.

Well structured pages that are designer for cursory reading are more likely to be read.

#2: All Pages should be accessible in 3 Clicks:

Usability tests have long challenged the so called three-click rule or two tap rule. Contrary to popular belief, people don’t leave your site or app if they’re unable to find the desired information in 3 clicks or taps. In fact, the number of necessary clicks affects neither user satisfaction, nor success rate.That’s right; fewer clicks don’t make users happierand aren’t necessarily perceived as faster.

What really counts here is ease of navigation, the constant scent of informationalong the user’s path. If you don’t make the user think about the clicks, they won’t mind having a few extra clicks.

Studies that challenge the three-click rule:

UIE’s usability testsshowed that people don’t quit after 3 clicks and don’t feel frustratedif they have to click more. - Testing the Three-Click Rule or The 3 Click Rule on Medium

Jakob Nielsen’s usability tests found that “users’ ability to find products on an e-commerce site increased by 600 percent after the design was changed so that products were 4 clicks from the homepage instead of 3.” from the book Prioritizing Usability, quoted in Highlights from Prioritizing Web Usability.

Further UIE usability tests show that it’s not the number of clicks but the well-labelled links with informationscent that play a key role in usability. - Getting Confidence From Lincoln

A practical advice is to replace the three-click rule with the one-click rule: “Every click or interaction should take the user closer to their goal while eliminating as much of the non-destination as possible.” – Breaking the Law: The 3 Click Rule