#a friend asked me and quietly admitted to me that they think they're bi

[missus-meticulous]

Sometimes I wonder if it's "too much" to advertise my sexuality and to keep advertising. If it is "too much" to loudly proclaim that I am bisexual, that I am bisexual and that this is okay and that I am okay and that I would laugh just as loudly if you did or didn't know I'm bisexual.

Coming from a Catholic household, coming from a Catholic border town where Latina women aren't supposed to show just how much they hunger, how much they yearn and yearn and yearn and that that yearning can be for someone with a penis or someone else entirely. Coming from a place where I shamed myself for having a girlfriend and for wanting her, for wanting her so deliciously that all I wanted at the tumultuous age of 16 was to explore her mind and her body as the poets had taught me.

And that when I came out officially at the age of 24, the questions that came with that outing, the voyeuristic curiosity that came with it, the "how" and "why" and "are you sure" and the boundary I learned to make between my sexuality and everyone else. Everyone that sought to judge, be it straight, gay, and in-between.

The stereotypes that come with being bisexual and that come with advertising my sexuality. And I ask if it's "too much"-

Until, a friend, a family member, or even an acquaintance politely, quietly asks me, "When did you know?", "How did you know?", "Can you realize it later in life?", and "Is it...is it a bad thing?"

And I am the guardian I never had, the confidante I never had, the support system I never had, and the friend I never had. Patiently answering every question, patiently describing every crush I've ever had, between men, women, and in-between. The difference between queer and bisexual and pansexual and gay and anything you want to be, that queer isn't a bad thing, that bisexuality isn't a bad thing. Being the person that gets to hug the budding bisexual who may become homosexual, pansexual, or something else entirely! The person that showers this boo-boo Queer person with all the respect and affection I never had and that is when I answer my own question. Is it too much? Am I being too much? No, no I am just enough. <3

[marumafan]

Hello, I am an old fan of KKM and I am really glad that I found your blog. Especially, since I have seen your conclusion about some additional information: You are right. Indeed. Yuuri is gay or bi...and he did go on dates with guys before or he would have had no reason to feel bad at a certain point in time, when the one whom he had defended resigned the team.

Yuuri has basically no interest in going out with girls, but pretends that he is solely interested in them.

What I also considered interesting is that he basically was thrown out of the team because of defending a love interest...He punched the coach, when I remember correctly...and he did get himself into the engagement with Wolf, because he did not dare to really punch him with a fist, because he felt at least attracted to him physically at that time.

So thank you for your your analyses up until now.

Hello there! Yes, but it's not like he goes around acknowledging it. I think that Yuuri is deep in the closet.

He's a character of his time. No way a teen would admit to being gay in the 2000s (they don't even do it in the 2020s here in Japan).

Just go to wikipedia and look at the summary table at the end of the article here to see how many rights LGBTQ+ individuals lack. Every red cross is an inequality. The dates Yuuri went on with those guys were very hush-hush, and I don't think he could quite admit to himself or others that he's gay or bi. For me, the clearest acknowledgement that he's 'not straight' is when his mom asks him if he's into 'people who wear uniforms' and he starts crying in Change /(Convert) the same story where he goes on a 'Christmas date' with the other guy.

After that story, there was no doubt in my mind that he already knew he was non-straight before meeting Wolf; but also that he was keeping it quiet.

I think his extreme closetness is difficult to understand by younger people and/or people who do not live in Japan. Anyone who lived in the 2000s America and is or knows LGBTQ+ people knows very well how closeted people were, especially after Matthew Sheppard. All of my closeted friends went deeper into the closet... and the ones out of it, quietly went back. It was a time of horror and I can only imagine it was worse in the past. That's simply the case that I recall as the horror of my time in the West.

I have many personal stories about the cruelty in treatment of LGBTQ+ people in the 2000s by Westerners AND Japanese, but I don't wanna get into it.

I'm just saying, I get Yuuri. Anyone living as 'non straight' during those years 'gets' Yuuri. And his wishful thinking about how 'getting a girlfriend will magically make him straight ', I know well and have seen myself.

This is a very realistic character of the 2000s.

It gets annoying at times, cuz he is a fictional character and why can't he just get it on in this fictional world with the cute guy that he's very much into?!

Stories are fantasies that we go on to escape the cruelty of reality, and when this guy 1) goes to a place with no sexual discrimination, which is what has kept him closeted 2) is surrounded by cute dudes and 3) the cutest dude is also into him , also he's like the king, you wonder... why can't he just accept the blessings the rest of us don't have?XD

But I think he struggles, like a lot of people, with his sexuality, and so he doesn't know really what to do.

Having said that, idk.... I feel like once they 'start sleeping in the same bed and have a child', there's a very clear innuendo that they're banging , but idk. The author keeps everything in a state of 'deniability' .

Which again... understandable.

You didn't read this from me, but def she's writing herself in Yuuri.

I think it's clear though, as the years go by, that she turns Yuuri and Wolf into a very solid couple with stories like Do you want an Exorcism, Crossheart, Misepan 2. Misepan 2 was released with the ending of the anime on DVD (2010s when she stopped writing), and Yuuri showing his love for Wolf in that story with the 'I would give you anything, Wolf' phrase, really sealed the deal for me.

After that we've gotten quite a few stories, and she even married them in It happens to everyone 2 and Shibuyas , two of the last stories that present them in the 'future'.

Like I said many times, they've been end-game for a while... it's just that no one noticed, cuz they're two guys.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

I literally am obsessed with everything about them. Do not worry about getting distracted and such and ranting about these beautiful characters.

Also it would not be polyhornets because Alex is not involved, it would be Bram!

I LOVE THIS LITTLE FAMILY!! I LOVE THE ADDITION OF JESSE!!!! I LOVE THEMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are wonderful names btw!!!! I'm tempted to give you the names of what my (Previously mentioned friend now partner lmao) named the Jam twins we made cause there is a similar naming scheme there. But also, the twins are on the internet somewhere and if you found out who I am I think I would have to hide away forever.... But still... It tempts me......... Maybe one day!

~💜

Ah thank you, Bram. I'm really bad at figuring out the ship names for these guys lol. I expect them to get longer the more people are included, and then its four letters and I'm like... huh.

Anyway, I am also obsessed. I fucking love these characters so much, thinking about the kinda post MH story for them is so special to me. I'm SO glad you like the names. I love them. I think they're so cute. And now I'm really curious what names you guys game the twins, like how similar are the names, if the naming convention itself is similar?

You don't have to tell me, obviously, but I do wonder.

I remembered more about the post MH storyline that me and my boyfriend talked about AGES ago (before I'd decided that Tim and Brian would have another kid, and before that kid was named Jesse after Jessica), which was specifically about the 'canon' way that this story goes (not the 'everyone lives' AU). Because it ended up being that like, Tim did end up getting back in touch with Jessica because she and Taylor had a kid who ended up in the same school as Birdie did I think? (small fucking world huh 💀 everyone's turning up at this damn school).

Anyway Jessica was like, picking her kid up from school and she saw Tim while he was waiting in the playground, and just kinda sidled up to him to see if it actually was, and like, sure the conversation was a bit awkward, but it was still nice. (I know Jessica doesn't remember MH in the comics but she does here, just like she has a kid here, and isn't being actively fucked with by the operator and skully lol)

Anyway, then Birdie came out of class and over to Tim, and Jessica had this little moment looking at her where she was like "god this kid looks just like Jay" and she doesn't get a chance to ask Tim about it, because then her own kid is coming out of class and they have to rush off to get to his after school club or whatever, but the next day when she sees Tim again, Jessica just quietly asks if Birdie is both Tim's and Jay's, and Tim gets like, really quiet and just gives her a tight little nod and that's the end of the conversation.

But like, over the next term or two, they slowly talk more and eventually Tim admits that Jay died at the end of MH and that he lied about it to Jessica back then because he thought it was the right thing to do. They become good friends though, and they take their kids to the part together and stuff, so Birdie has a "cousin" in Jessica's kid who she becomes fast friends with, and their little family grows. Because like, yeah they have Brian's family, but they don't get to see them super often.

Side note, Brian having a very big, very lovely family is a huge HC for my boyfriend and I. We have a whole cowboy/wild west au that ended up accidentally revolving around Brian having a huge family who are just, really really accepting of queerness. Like, Jay was a trans guy, Alex was a trans girl, Tim and Brian were gay/bi etc, and the four of them were poly, and brians mum was just like, cool, can one of you PLEASE go wrangle the younger kids for dinner??? It's great. She also makes Alex her first dress, and teaches her 'how to be a woman', like, sewing, cooking, all the stuff a lady in the 1800's wild west would need to know.

I love that woman. She's the best character in that whole AU. She treated Tim like one of her own sons because he and Brian had been friends since they were kids, except Tim was CLEARLY her favourite and she was an absolute menace (affectionately) to Brian, who was the oldest or one of the oldest out of, like, 7 or 8 kids I think.

Best au ever lol.

SPEAKING OF BRIAN ACTUALLY, you wanna know one of the ideas I went through before settling on Brian showing up as a teacher at Birdies school? I'm gonna tell you anyway so please nod.

At first, I was gonna have it so that Tim and Brian only met each other again when they were both in, like, their late fifties to early sixties. Like, Birdie would be all grown up and living with her wife (oh yeah Birdie's a lesbian and ends up with a wife) and one day Tim and Brian just, run into each other, and it takes them both a moment to place where the hell they recognised each other from, but eventually they do, and just like in 'canon' S,IL they both have a big crying reunion about it. And then it was just them being old men falling in love with each other all over again, y'know?

It was SUCH a cute idea. It was so fucking cute. I still love it.

[maroonmorons]

Eddie falls asleep on the couch while chilling with buck at Eddie's place he wakes to buck gently shaking him to go to bed. Buck went ahead and cleaned while letting him rest and Eddie's like wow. They're not even together yet but that's real sweet buck didn't have to do that. Idk maybe he like sleepily mumbles God I could kiss you while going to his room still out of it as buck's like what and thinks he didn't mean it only he did and he's not ashamed to admit it buck's the best thing to happen

haven’t felt this way in a while [buck/eddie, G, 1.5k]

Buck waves a hand in front of Eddie’s face halfheartedly.

“Eds,” he whispers.

There’s no response.

Or, there could be a response.

Buck can’t quite tell if Eddie is snoring very quietly or ifhe’s developing some sort of cold.

Hopefully it’s the former.

Buck half turns on the sofa, careful to distribute hisweight slowly.

“I think he’s out cold, Superman.”

Christopher giggles, quick to muffle the sound in his hands.

“Looks like it’s just you and me,” Buck continues in atheatrical whisper.

He rubs his hands together and grins at his favorite childin the world.

“Whatever shall we do with ourselves?”

Christopher takes the question very seriously, his eyebrowsinching closer together as he thinks it over.

“We could each eat an extra cookie!”

It’s Buck’s turn to smother his laughter at the suggestion.

Leave it to Christopher to suggest extra snacks while hisfather is asleep.

“I’ll make a deal with you,” Buck leans even closer towhisper. “If we clean up our dishes – I’ll split an extra cookie with you.”

“Okay,” Christopher agrees immediately, as if it’s anamazing offer.

Maybe to an amazing kid it is.

They make quick work of the dishes with Buck rinsing them inthe sink and Chris loading them into the washer. Then, they carefully split achocolate chip cookie.

Eddie sleeps through the entire ordeal.

“Okay, Little Man,” Buck says, bending over to get onChristopher’s level. “You go brush your teeth and pick out some pajamas. I’llbe in to help you in a minute, okay?”

Christopher nods.

“What about bed time?” he checks.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna let your dad sleep on the couchall night. Lazy Bones can at least come say goodnight to you.”

Christopher giggles again, quickly checking to make sure hehadn’t woken up Eddie.

As Buck puts soap in the dishwasher and starts it up he listensto the careful way Christopher’s crutches tap down the hallway.

He can’t help but smile to himself. His chest issuspiciously close to bursting with affection.

More than anything – he wants this every single night.

He wants to help Chris ‘sneak’ around when Eddie dozes off.He wants to tell Chris stories and clean up more than one set of dishes.

He wants in ways that he can’t fully verbalize. Not even tohimself.

To keep the thoughts at bay, Buck grabs the dishrag and runssome warm water over it.

He wipes down all the counters and rinses out the rag,putting more hot water on it before tip toeing into the living room.

The coffee table gets the same treatment as the counters andthen he heads back to the kitchen. He rinses the rag again, rings it out andsprays the residue from the day down the drain.

Next, he empties the trash and ties the bag tight. He setsit by the door to take on his way out.

The light in the bathroom is out already as he makes his waydown the hall so he peeks into Christopher’s room, unsurprised to see the boyalready sitting on his bed.

He’s picked out tonight’s book and it sends a bittersweetpang through Buck to see it.

He’ll stay for story time but it still aches a bit, to be avisitor.

Again, he shoves the thoughts aside.

He helps Christopher into his pajamas and puts him in bed.Christopher’s dirty clothes go in his hamper shaped like a shark and his crutchesget leaned carefully between his bed and his nightstand so he can reach them inthe morning.

“Alright, I’m gonna go get your dad,” Buck tells him.

He can’t help bending down to press a kiss to the top ofChristopher’s head.

“Okay, Bucky.”

The urge to wake Eddie with a kiss to the top of his headclaws its way up Buck’s chest until it settles at the base of his throat with apowerful grip.

If only he wasn’t too terrified to try and take that leap.

Sure, he and Eddie had both been single for some time nowbut that didn’t mean anything.

You couldn’t just say to someone ‘hey you should date myfriend, he’s gay/bi/pan/whatever’ not without being an asshole at least.

The point is – just because people could work in theory didn’tmean it would work.

Buck knows more than most people how much of a tangled messlife can become.

So instead, Buck walks around the couch and tosses himselfdown on it hard enough to bounce.

Eddie snorts himself awake, jerking upright and blinkingrapidly.

“Bu-what?”

“You fell asleep,” Buck informs him. “Christopher is alreadyin bed and waiting very patiently for story time.”

Eddie rubs at his right eye before looking to the coffee table.His eyebrows move up in obvious surprise.

“You cleaned up?”

“Of course. Chris and I did it together. The dishwasher isrunning and I’ll take the trash on my way out.”

“You didn’t have to do that, man.”

“Well, you were hardly going to do it while you slept,” Buckteases. “Come on, story time.”

He pushes off the couch, corralling his thoughts once again.

Buck plants himself in the chair that he can hardly fit into wait for Eddie. He shares another smile with Christopher as Eddie’sfootsteps pad down the hall.

“Who took my chair?” Eddie questions.

“You were too slow.”

Christopher giggles and Eddie rolls his eyes.

He crouches down next to the foot of the bed, picking up thebook Christopher had selected.

“Ready, mijo?”

“Mmhm,” Christopher murmurs before yawning.

Buck leans his elbow on the armrest of the chair that’scurrently cutting into his left hip. He cups his chin in his hand and sighs quietlyto himself.

As Eddie and Buck make their way out of Christopher’s room,it’s time to be quiet for another Diaz boy and Buck doesn’t mind in the least.

He doesn’t miss his huge empty loft. He doesn’t miss thefact that he can leave on whatever lights he wants, or play his music loudly,or leave dirty dishes wherever.

This is a home. Eddie and Chris are his home. Atleast, he wants them to be.

“Sorry for falling asleep on you,” Eddie says.

“Nah, you’re good.”

Buck wants to drag his feet. He wants to procrastinateputting on his shoes and gathering his keys.

“Why don’t you just crash here? We have the space.”

It’s enough to stall Buck for a second.

“No,” he decides out loud. “I should get going.”

Eddie doesn’t protest.

He obviously can’t hear Buck’s thoughts.

Ask me to stay – just one more time. Ask me like you meanit and I’ll stay. I’ll stay forever.

“Alright,” Eddie agrees. He sighs. “Thanks again forcleaning up. I could honestly kiss you.”

Buck snorts.

“Sounds like you need to get back to sleep.”

“I feel better than I did,” Eddie has to pause to yawn,which does a lot to dismantle his argument, “probably couldn’t make it throughanother movie though.”

“Well, you should get some rest. You must be pretty tired tothink about kissing me for doing some dishes.”

Buck should just leave it alone. But it’s like a scab – he can’thelp but pick at it.

“I don’t have to be tired to think about kissing you.”

What.

“Um…is this some housewife joke I’m missing?”

Eddie scratches at his jaw.

“I guess it could be? Like – you make my life better. Thehouse feels fuller, brighter when you’re here. I think you’re actually thesecond best thing to ever happen to me. Does that make you a housewife?”

Buck feels like Eddie’s just presented him with a thirtyfive page dissertation on the difference between miosis and mitosis. He can’tthink of a single word to say.

“Eddie…”

Yup. His name is a good start.

“I…what?” Buck finally manages.

“Sorry,” Eddie says after a stilted beat of silence. “Doesthat sound like I’m coming onto you? I’m definitely not coming onto you. Unless…youwant me to?”

Buck blinks at him dumbly.

Has he been asleep on the couch this whole time? Is this hisdream?

“Buck?”

Say something.

“Did I break you?” Eddie questions.

Dear God. Say something. Anything.

“You…like guys?” Buck asks.

Three whole words. And they make sense in context.Amazing.

Eddie lifts and drops a shoulder quickly.

“I like you.”

“Like… Like like me like me?”

He’s reasonably sure that still makes sense, but it also feelslike his brain is currently rolling down a hill.

But Eddie nods. His cheeks are stained pink.

Holy. Shit.

“How long?”

“Why?” Eddie questions, rubbing at the back of his neck andlooking away.

“Because I need to know how stupid we both are. For science.”

“Both of us?”

Eddie takes half a step forward then, his hand droppingaway.

His heart is firmly in his throat but Buck nods.

“Months. It’s been months,” Eddie admits in a rush.

Buck can’t stop himself – he takes two steps forward. There’sbarely anything left between them. Just a few inches of air that feels like it’sfull of static energy.

“We’re both idiots,” he announces happily.

Eddie takes Buck’s face in both hands and kisses himsoundly.

“Absolute idiots,” Buck breathes when they part.

“Shut up,” Eddie laughs.

He doesn’t give Buck a choice though. Instead, he kisses himagain.

[loserkusen]

A Change of Heart

It’s 20-BiTeen bitches!!! In celebration the girl in this fic is bi, like yours truly, cause representation matters and if you don’t like it block me. Anyways the anticipated Julian fic.

Oh yeees 😍 can you write a jealous Julian blurb ?♥️

Based off FACE by BROCKHAMPTON 🧡

Word Count: 2,179

She never though she’ll end up in the same position again. After how hard she had worked to convince herself that love wasn’t for her and that it was okay, she found herself stuck in the same spot as always. Wishing she hadn’t started anything to begin with.

(Y/N) had been seeing Julian for a couple of months now. Due to the amount of men and women that had broken her heart, she hated admitting the feelings he evoked in her. The deep connection they had formed was nothing she had felt before which exited her, but made her fearful of the unknown emotions. So she remained guarded and made their relationship as informal as possible. No titles. No commitments. Simply two people getting along and having casual sex.

What she didn’t expect was for her to be sitting in Julian’s kitchen at 2am debating whether to return to bed with the boy she was falling for or to gather her belongings as quickly as possible and walk away from him like she had done many times before. She always felt horrible after the latter, but it was the only thing she could think of doing whenever she laid wrapped up in his arms wondering how she was going to save herself the heartbreak this time.

The sudden hand on her waist startled her causing her to jump off the kitchen stool. Luckily, the familiar arms held her up saving her the pain and embarrassment of hitting the floor.

"What are you doing up right now?" He held her closer, his feathery hair brushing against her cheek.

"I um- I couldn't sleep" she sat back down turning in the seat to face him. His sleep clouded face and shirtless body stood illuminated by the dim light peaking in through the windows. "I have a headache and was wondering if you had pain killers. I thought they'll be in the kitchen, but I couldn't find them."

"They're in the bathroom angel. You should've asked me."

“I didn’t want to wake you.” Your gaze diverted away from him. Doing anything to avoid his eyes hoping he wouldn't see your watery ones.

"You okay?" He stepped closer, his fingers caressing your cheek as he lifted your chin. Silence followed his words. She wasn't. She was quickly realizing she was far from okay. Falling for someone who seemed too good for her. Unable to accept the possibly that he could be the one exception. Slowly slipping into a state she promised she would never come close to again.

"I'm just tired Julian." He starred into her eyes for a moment before nodding and reaching for her hand. She followed him back to his room, silently getting under the covers as he searched his bathroom cabinet for the pills. Julian returned with a glass of water and a crewneck sweatshirt too.

"You should put this on. Being cold is probably going to make it worse." You pulled on his soft sweater which happened to smell like his favorite cologne. The familiar scent worked to calm you down and soon enough your stress induced headache settled down. Not much later, you felt Julian's grip on your waist tightening. His arm pulling you close to his chest was becoming a routine whenever you slept over. He held on throughout the night up until the morning. Almost as if trying to make you stay forever.

The next morning, Julian was awakened by the sound of your feet shuffling around his room. He took a deep breath not wanting to open his eyes and see you rushing to leave him once again. His sad reality hit him at the feeling of the empty spot next to him on the bed. Hesitantly, he sat up catching your attention from across the room.

"Hey Julian." She looked caught off guard as she stumbled trying to step into her boots as quickly as possible. "I didn't think you'll be up this early." She looked tense. The quiet room heightened her uneasiness as Julian remained quiet simply gazing at her. It took a couple of minutes for Julian to break the dense silence eating away at both of them.

"Do you have to leave?" His voice was faint making her feel worse for trying to leave unnoticed once again. She turned around searching for her bag trying to avoid his stare. The truth was, she did have to leave. She had to leave before she did something she regretted. Running away from him temporarily allowed her to breathe. She felt like one more moment with him would reveal the inescapable fact she had been trying to avoid for months now; she was in love with him. She was afraid her brain would win over her heart and she'll break whatever relationship they had out of fear of being mistreated again. Julian had stood up now. His hair laid flat against his forehead and various purple marks scattered around his neck. "We could go get breakfast if you want. I would cook for you, but that wouldn't be really smart." He tried to ease the tension sensing your anxious state.

"I actually promised Rachel she could meet me at my place this morning." You turned around finding him closer to you than before. "I'm probably running late at this point." Your hands searched through your bag making sure you weren’t leaving anything behind. His hand reached forward lifting your chin while his other arm wrapped around your waist. Slowly, he leaned in, his lips just hoovering over yours. unable to resist the urge, you leaned forward pressing your lips to his. He pulled you closer, the kiss quickly escalating. After a minute that felt simultaneously like just a second and an eternity, he pulled back but remained close to you.

"Why cant you just stay? At least one time." He stood over you, his eyes trying to read the true emotions hiding behind yours. You stood quietly allowing yourself to lean into his touch. "You always leave (Y/N). I don't understand why." The frustration in his calm voice pulled at your heartstrings.

"Julian I have to go. I'm not doing this right now." You turned on your heel making your way out of his room and straight towards his front door. It was impossible to stop the tears as you walked outside towards your car. Knowing Julian wouldn't follow you, you remained inside your car taking deep breaths to calm your heavy breathing before starting the car on your way to your house.

"I don't know what to do Rachel!" You had been arguing with your best friend over your situation for over an hour at this point. It was all pointless. The conversation just kept going in circles.

"Just admit that you're in love with him and let him know! He wants you (Y/N). I don't understand how you can't see that." She sat on your couch nonchalantly causing your irritation to rise.

"You just don't understand Rachel. How many times did someone else seem to want me before? And how many times did that not end up with me crying over them to you?" You ran your hands through your hair in utter exasperation at the inability to do anything to help yourself. "I don't want to get hurt again. I promised this wouldn't happen to me again, Rachel."

"Just give him a chance (Y/N). He's Julian! Not some trashy guy I warned you about before. He's just as fucked over by the fact that you're not together yet as you are." Tears you thought you couldn't have anymore began to stream down your face again for what seemed like the hundredth time in just a couple hours. "Come here." You slowly walked to your best friend who sat waiting with open arms. You buried your face into her neck silently letting it all out. She knew how much this was hurting you even if you were the only one overthinking the situation. You sat with her for a couple minutes, her hand soothingly running up and down your back. The quiet moment was interrupted by the front door opening revealing a distressed Julian who just stared at the both of you. Quickly you wiped your tears standing up feeling the lump in your throat returning.

"Julian, what are you doing here?" The tension you felt before had returned, only this time it was worse. You saw Rachel shifting behind you probably just uncomfortable as you were.

"I wanted to talk to you. I didn't know I was intruding I'm sorry. I'll leave." His voice was higher than normal hinting that he was trying his hardest to hold back. You stayed quiet simply staring back at Julian who still stood in your living room despite his words.

"You're not intruding. I was about to go." Rachel broke the silence quickly grabbing her phone and walking out the house before you could stop her. Julian remained quiet even with Rachel gone which left you no other option but to start the inevitable conversation you had been dreading.

"What do you want to talk about Julian." You sat back down hoping he would follow.

"You know why I'm here (Y/N)." Tip toeing around the subject wasn't going to help either of you.

"Don't be ambiguous Julian. Please get to the point." He took a deep breath before unleashing everything he had been holding in.

“What are you waiting for?” His words instantly jab at your heart. “Do you just want to sleep around with me for eternity? Do you just want someone to not be alone?” You kept quiet knowing he had every right to complain. “What do you want us to be?” He turned his body towards you now hoping to get a response from you.

"It’s not that easy, Julian.” You knew that's not what he wanted to hear, but that was sadly the only thing you could come up with without completely breaking down.

“Do you even really want to be with me? Do you want to be with somebody else? Do you want to be with Rachel?” The comment instantly caused you to snap your head towards him.

“What are you talking about?” Out of everything he could have said this was the last thing you could've thought about.

“I just don’t understand what you want! We spend every second possible together. We talk about everything. And no matter how much closer I think I get to you, you always walk away. You walk back to her. And if that's what you want, then that's okay. Just tell me. Talk to me. Don't ignore whats going on.” You shook your head not knowing how to express every single thought that was currently running through your mind.

"Julian it is definitely not what you think. I don't want to be with Rachel. She's just my best friend and the only one I've been able to talk to about this whole mess. She's not part of it." You instantly shut down his suspicion moving on to the painful part. "And I don't blame you, okay? Not even I know what I want at this point." The tears unwillingly resurfaced. "I just want to be happy." You gave up all composure you had, immediately slumping forward dropping your face into your hands. Not two seconds passed before Julian was next to you holding you close to him.

"I'm sorry." You shook your head.

"No Julian. This isn't on you. It's on me. We're in this mess because I don't trust myself to be in a relationship again. Every time I try, everything goes wrong. I don't want that again." You finally looked up to see him. His eyes soft and empathetic. “You have no idea how many times I’ve been fucked over Julian. How many times I’ve been lied to.”

“I would never lie to you.” You smiled reaching for his hand, squeezing it softly.

"I know. And that's why I don't want to fuck this up for us." Julian pulled his hand back placing both of them on your shoulders now.

"Listen. I know people have treated you wrong, okay? I can see it. You’re hurt. You don’t trust that we'll work out. You don't believe I can love you. But you’re wrong this time, baby.” He smiled looking at you wishfully. "You're completely wrong."

“I’m being cautious Julian.” The more he spoke the less your argument seemed valid.

“You’re being cautious with the wrong person. I just want to love you." You sat up moving towards him now, his arms instantly on your waist pulling you onto his lap. He pressed kisses against your face as he held you tightly. You held his cheek, your fingers ghosting over the light stubble, as Julian moved forward capturing your lips in a gentle kiss.

"Good thing I already love you, Julian." You felt his lips forming a smile as you mumbled the words into the kiss.

"I know you do." He pressed his lips against yours once more. "Because I do too."