#a person with good attachment wouldn’t react like this and yeah he’s unhealthy but that rarely comes from just being Like That

[bunisher]

i need all future comics writers of frank (and anyone on DDBA) to stop trying to write him as a guy who had a normal childhood and was always just kinda Like That. or that he was simply destined to become the punisher, but that’s kind of a separate topic.

people who go into the military at 18 rarely have normal childhoods, they are often raised in abusive environments that are normalized. the urge to go into the military typically does not come from people who aren’t used to some form of abuse, because why would you willingly want to go into that? unless you are susceptible to indoctrination toward having faith in a system from a young age and aren’t able to discern the red flags? the military system preys on poor young men in particular by scouting them and offering all these bells and whistles (free college, healthcare, community) and feelings of importance, but then just forgets about them afterward.

side note: it’s actually such a disservice to many veterans to forget about how the military is an abusive system. it literally strips you of everything with no help in reintegrating back into society (other than by members of the same community). i get TPS1 tried to do something with this but dropped the ball. it feels like many writers just use his marine background as some sort of fun fact that only comes into play with certain things, but it very much shapes who you are and changes your identity. it’s a very cult-like system.

many people who want to serve are related to others who have prior. many people (especially men) who want to serve at that age have an underlying need that they think can be met. many people are brainwashed by military propaganda and believe it is the right thing to do. especially when it comes to religion, there’s this idea of men using their bodies to protect the innocent that goes back hundreds of years, and this idea of serving god, which we see young francis try to do in two ways. (side note: why do they keep removing his religious background? i liked the nod to it in the nmcu but it seems modern comics writers (looking at you jason aaron) just forget this?) besides, the functions of religion for people are very similar to the functions of the military as far as members go, namely community and a sense of greater purpose.

to me, as a reader/watcher, threads of probable abuse history are present in frank’s character, and i wish we had a writer brave enough to write about it. why else would he care so much about innocents and victims? why else would he become suicidal and guilt stricken when he hurts an innocent? it makes you think: was there no one who protected him or someone else he knew?

and this may not mean anything but idk i think he’s so much more tragic and juicy if you look at him like someone who is not the perfect victim (and maybe doesn’t even recognize their abuse) but someone who instead of healing and becoming soft, becomes angry and violent afterward. trauma, especially repeated trauma, does not effect people all the same way and i really wish they would just be bold enough to work with that. i get trying to piss off the alt right but completely changing the character to fit the same stereotype of a ‘psychopath’ (which is an outdated term) as they do in horror movies about killer children is just poor writing. again, talking about punisher 2022, but this was kinda in nmcu too. and sure yeah they’ve retired his character (but not the punisher….? ok) in the comics, but for when he inevitably does come back, yeah.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Oooh yeah the first time I was playing as a female mc because I wanted to romance ava and I usually go male mc if I want to romance a man and female mc if I want to romance a woman (and I think there was one book with where mc could be non-binary so I picked that one but I didn't finished the book), and Stacy's brother felt Hetero™ in a way, like Hollywood ish (? Honestly like cinematographicly bad hetero) but I ended up really loving Andy too, and Stacy felt a little flat but also I really liked her potential, like go crazy girl, and the mom issues.

Apart but holy shit you're 10000% right about that teacher like who inmediately threatens expulsion just like that for something not violent ??? And to an honor student with way too much on his plate ??? Obviously it would have been bad with any student, but you have literally the reason of why he's doing it and as a teacher HE LITERALLY COULD HAVE HELPED WITH IT ??????? Like something teachers can't really help students because it's a family thing only or is a financial struggle or etc but it was literally because of school (and his family, but the teacher could have heloed him with the school part)

(Identity thief anon (also I go by any pronouns ahhshs))

ur valid! that's lowkey what i wish i'd do (picking female MC if my fave LI is female and the other way around, i mean) but unfortunately i always go into the stories blindly having no idea what i'll find </3 so i cant really do that doiajdiosa and then i get attached for the MC i picked so i feel bad about changing their gender/name/appearance when i replay. so what i usually do is that i pick a male MC when i get the option because A- u don't always get the option, so i end up being male half the time and female half the time either way; and B- i feel slightly more comfortable with a male identity than a female one. like i'm still nonbinary and i wouldn't consider myself male aligned or within the gender of Man, but like... when i first came out i went by any pronouns but then because im afab everyone was like "cool, she/her only it is" so i was like fuck that and stopped using she/her. so i feel slightly more comfortable with a masc MC and end up going with that

there's also the fact that it always feels slightly genderfucky to have a male MC because choices is so sexist and also always writes the stories assuming ull pick a female MC, even when they give u the option not to. so when u pick a male MC he's very like not toxically masc and some things they add to make a QuiRkY MC that are very white woman and would feel annoying are actually kind of subversive for my black and brown male MCs. so like another win for queerness /j

ILITW MC in particular i feel has HUGE nonbinary vibes like no reason at all he just does <3 maybe it's just that for once the male clothes for ILITW actually fUCK. i wanna dress in that goth outfit <3 so gorgeous ugh. i love him even tho he's a fucking dumbass

also there's a book where an MC can be enby? worm? ive only ever read one book in choices with any enby characters at all (america's most elligible, books 2-3) but they weren't even a LI which is disappointing cuz they were a billion times superior to any of the LIs. sorry america's most elligible LIs fans

also oh connor IS the epitome of white cistraight man even when u play as a man tbh, like he was just so cistraight to me daouhdsaojdasij he kind of annoys me but also i forget that he even exists until he shows up onscreen and choices starts trying to push me into his lap and i'm just like, ugh, not again

and yeah i think i feel a similar way about stacy. i don't dislike her as a character and i don't feel like she as a character felt flat, her growth was very interesting and i loved seeing her start to challenge her mom like YESSS GO GIRL GIVE US EVERYTHING, she just felt flat as a LI to me ig? like idk i didn't feel chemistry between her and my MC personally, but also like, stacy girls are valid u know

right exactly. like i don't think ppl really understand that a school that doesn't drive people to cry during finals week and feel absolutely crushed by having to be there and that makes ppl feel like they're stupid, not enough, and overwhelmed IS IN FACT POSSIBLE and actually pretty easy to make when we stop treating students like statistics that will get the school more clients/funding (depending on whether it's a private or public school). and like as a teacher getting my degree in brasil it just feels completely surreal to me that anyone would see a student who's so overwhelmed by the amount of extracurriculars and responsibilities he feels like he has to take that he starts taking drugs to help his performance despite it affecting his health, and see that as like... something morally reprehensible? like it is bad that it happened but it's not the student's fault, what's morally reprehensible are the circumstances that led to his decision, not his decision

and like it is very much a systemic problem, more and more kids are taking focus pills to be able to survive the pressure of school and have a shot at a future, either on their own or because we are actually medicalizing not existing to be productive. and if it's a systemic problem then the fault is at the system?? and like holy shit i legit don't understand why choices gave us options like being like "it still isn't enough" when lucas gets rid of his pills, what do you mean it isn't enough??? enough for what??? to FORGIVE him???? for something that only hurt himself??? for something that is very much a systemic problem and therefore NOT HIS FAULT????? literally what the fuck even is this, lucas doesn't have to "make up" for a single thing, he needs to be HELPED is what he needs

like idk i know that the school system in the US is...... extremely backwards lmao which is not a term i like to use because it usually implies imperialistic views but the US is the height of world imperialism so like actually idc. brasil has a pretty progressive constitution and as a teacher my whole education was focused on being critical of the school system, particularly the productivity obsession, and drilling into us again and again that we aren't supposed to just be teaching subjects, we are also supposed to be teaching how to be a citizen, be a critical human being, work towards building a better future, and learning and growing AS A PERSON to be healthy and happy are values of the school system

like that's easier said than done when schools are under insane amounts of pressure by companies in practice to be productivity-driven, and most teachers who actually want to do a good job end up having to live at the edge of the knife and constantly fighting back outside pressure, but at least it is very much a mandatory part of our education to become teachers and also like literally part of the constitution. so i just... i can't fathom reacting the way mr cooper did? like as a teacher i felt BETRAYED, i felt like he shat all over my profession because that is the opposite of what we should be doing, this is a kid who needs help

and just like hOLY SHIT HE DID NOTHING WRONG, what are you punishing him for??? it's not even a like, stealing bread to feed your family situation, because what he did HAS NO VICTIM OTHER THAN HIMSELF, and therefore HE IS THE VICTIM NOT THE CULPRIT. he doesn't have to repent or atone or answer for a single fucking thing, he didn't victimize others, he doesn't have to apologize, there's nothing to punish him fOR??? like i don't believe in punishment anyway cuz im a prison abolitionist but doDAUSDJADASIJDAS???????????? HE DIDN'T. HE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. WHY IS THIS WHOLE GAME ACTING AS IF HE WAS IN THE WRONG. OH MY GOD

it's like saying that someone needs to be forgiven for self harming????? like how is it that someone has been hurt continuously until it led them to hurt themselves and then they have to? make up for it to a bunch of other ppl? my god it makes me so mad and i genuinely don't understand the logic, like usually when i see someone doing fucked up shit i can see the logic but i don't agree with it, but this time i genuinely DON'T SEE THE LOGIC. my USan friends said it was because he was technically doing drugs but like i legit still don't understand

anyway any school that drives a student to do something like that needs to rethink their entire curriculum and the psychological effect it's having on kids, because lucas is 1- not even the first one according to mr cooper; 2- even if he was, that'd be the only one who got CAUGHT; and 3- even if there was really only one singular student who went tHIS far, i doubt the others weren't feeling that same pressure and dealing with it in other similarly unhealthy ways

i know that's probably easier in brasil than in the US even if it's by no means easy here because here at least in public schools the curriculum and political-pedagogical plan has to be agreed on by the school community (teachers, parents, students, workers, and anyone who lives in the area of the school) and it's updated every year, so like, you have more means to do something to change the school in a deeper way, altho of course that still has to mean swinging the rest of the community, but still. but at the very least he could have looked for counseling for him? tried to find a way to take some of the workload off his shoulders? given him some more time on assignments? motioning for all the clubs he was the president of to have co-presidents so he was less overwhelmed?

like there was just daodsao he could have done so many things and he justs DIDN'T he chose to not only punish him instead but quite literally THREATEN HIM WITH DEATH because that's what calling the police on a latino student over a drug charge is. like he might've survived but the possibility that he would fucking DIE was very much there, and i know choices didn't think of that because they'd rather die than think about the racial implications of anything but holy fucking shit. and im not even getting into how mr cooper is BLACK because then ill just start biting people like thanks for putting that threat on a black character's mouth choices. if u need me ill be foaming at the mouth

anyway SORRY god why is it that i always get to the salty part within 2 seconds of joining a fandom i promise that i actually like it lives and the way they handled most of their plot, i genuinely think it's a very well written and actually worth ur time story but i just doadosaida like i said particularly as a teacher in the context where i'm being taught, plus with all my political beliefs, i just can't let it go aaaa

also ty for telling me ur pronouns! idk if i assumed them at any time, i don't think so but i might have done so without realizing and if i did im really sorry. also sorry for the gigantic salty reply daojdsaojdaisjsajdoadsaodasj rip me i never shut up

[nierly-amazing]

I know I’ve written something similar before and maybe I'm being petty and reading into shit too much, but I honestly just can’t deal with 9S haters. Like, you got the generic weeby incels that are jealous that their fictional waifu is interested in nerdy twink 9S which shatters their "feemales only go for the chads" shitty worldview. Those are easy enough to ignore because they’re just shit people in general and not worth my time. Plus it’s really straightforward and doesn’t have me sitting down thinking “why does this bother me so much?”.

But then you have another group of people that I honestly can’t stand because you look at their hot takes on 9S and think “did we even play the same game?” They reduce him to some flat one dimensional possessive/whiny man child thot boi (No I’m never gonna forget that insult because it’s horrifically beautiful).

I’ve been wondering why it annoys me so much when I don’t really care if people don’t like my favs from other stories and I think it’s a mix of a few reasons. 

One is like I mentioned above in that they get his character so wrong, it’s like they played an entirely different game. 

Another is that they act like the negative (and “negative”) things he does do is for completely no reason whatsoever without acknowledging a whole bunch of fuckshit that helps make him who he is “today”. So we just got “oh he’s possessive and violent and whiny ew” without even thinking about: 

All the trauma that 9S went through both before, and during route C.

The fact that he was infected by a logic virus for most of route C. Yes, most. I don’t remember where but it says in some supplementary material that the virus was fucking with him since way before he transplanted the arm.

The fact that the Red Girls and machines were tormenting him during route C and already pushing him to the extremes. Remember what happened in the Soul Box? Plus Adam torturing him about his feelings for 2B in the copied city wasn’t exactly helpful.

The fact that his only purpose was to be a disposable information gatherer for a pointless war. He was designed with a friendly and curious and emotional personality and was forced to work alone for a lot of his life, told that he wasn’t allowed to display those emotions, and punished with death whenever he got too curious. I’d say he gets a pass to whine about missions every now and then.

The fact that 2B killed him and erased his memories FORTY-SEVEN times and just because she hates doing it and he forgives her doesn't change the fact that she did it and how much it would mess up his perception of anything really. (Bonus points if they think 2B's some perfect stoic lesbian goddess who can do no wrong and has absolutely no romantic interest in 9S). Same with the fact that she was still cold and strict with him most of the time they were together even if he did eventually find out she’s not like that deep down.

The fact that 2B was the one and only constant in his life through all his resets. It would take a fucking saint to not develop some unhealthy attachment/possessive thoughts in that situation. Especially with the Red Girls tormenting him by trying to delete his memories of her in the Soul Box. Like it’s not good or healthy and even I was like “nooo 9S baby please don’t be like that” in the clone fight/his possessive monologue in the book at that point. But it sure as hell is realistic and understandable to become possessive of someone that keeps getting taken away from you. 

The fact that he hates himself for the way he feels about 2B. He doesn’t act on any of his feelings and always backs off when 2B says no about anything from calling him “Nines” to taking a break after a mission. He might grumble and complain a bit but pretty quickly shuts up. 

The fact that he lost everything he loves in the span of a few hours and watched the most important person in the world get skewered by a smelly cryptid doppelganger. (Pile on the fact that said smelly cryptid doppelganger did nothing to clear things up about it when there were plenty of easy ways to do so (don't get me wrong I love A2, but she's an idiot)).

The fact that even in his route C rampage his anger was still only directed at machines and A2. He helped other androids without complaints, even ones he didn't know. And he was still visibly upset when he saw Pascal's Village and Pascal’s memory loss. 

This whole nonsense reminds me of some SU discourse of people hating on Lapiz for the way she responded to Jasper's abuse. Could she have made better decisions? Maybe. But she was trapped in a mirror for 5000 years, immediately attacked after being released, then captured and tortured again. What the hell do you expect?

And to a lesser extent, it reminds me of how people react to Shinji, calling him whiny and tell all those “get in the fucking robot” jokes. The poor kid went through so much shit comparable somewhat to what 9S went through.

I guess the thing that really bothers me is that I relate really hard to 9S and the shit he went through (obviously to a much lesser extent, thankfully I haven’t lost all of my loved ones in a horrific massacre or anything like that). But I can relate to having everything falling apart in my life and not having the support or experience I needed to get through it without fucking up a lot. 

And as an autistic person with a bunch of other brain shits, I was so happy seeing a character that was (intentionally or not) coded with these same things. So it gets me, even more, when I see people going “ew no he’s bad” because of those traits as if they expect someone with no support network or therapy to just be able to Handle It All on their own. When I see people refusing to be compassionate towards 9S for what he’s gone through, I’m reminded of people that refuse to be compassionate to good people who’ve fucked up because they’re unable to deal with it on their own. (And I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised if they’re the same people.)

You can like a character or person at the same time as acknowledging what they’re doing wrong. (And on the flip side you don’t have to ignore the faults of characters you do like and paint them as beautiful flawless goddesses).

It’s not often you get a kind, gentle, and emotional male character that doesn’t act all high and mighty and above the female characters just because he’s a dude. It’s also not often you get the scripts flipped in terms of gender expectations as well. Give him a chance to come back and grow past all the trauma that shaped him during route C. He’s a good boy. He’s little, and broken, but still good.

Yeah, still good.

I end this with the wise words of a good friend: “9S is great fuck all yall nerds learn some goddamn empathy the end”.

[bemused-writer]

One of the reasons why I adore Jun Mochizuki's works is because her villains create very great conflicts. In Pandora Hearts, I couldn't bring myself to hate Jack because he was such a well-written sociopath. Manipulative and ruthless, but also charming in an odd way. The greatest twist villain I have ever seen in media too. As for you, what do you think of Jun Mochizuki's villains and which are your favorites?

I could never bring myself to hate Jack either. He is … an atrocious person, but I can’t help but pity him to a certain degree. He was charming, mad, and a complete mystery to himself. Everyone else may have wondered why Jack did what he did, but I think the most confused person was Jack himself. Sure, he said it was for Lacie, but I think deep down even he knew that was an excuse.

Anyhoo, I generally like Mochizuki’s villains. Isla Yura was kind of… yeah. I don’t know what I’m supposed to make of that one. I have a feeling he is some kind of stereotype, but words are failing me at the moment. My feelings toward Isla Yura are similar to my feelings for Dr. Moreau, although I have a much more visceral reaction to Moreau. I kind of hate that guy. XD

But hating a villain is sort of the point a lot of times, so let’s talk a bit more about the obvious villains Mochizuki has written (excluding Jack since we just did), starting with Pandora Hearts.

Leo was pretty great because he was sort of more of an antihero and that only happened later in the series after a long list of bad things happened. He was in mourning and he felt he was out of options and he ultimately came around. So, he’s not really a “proper” villain because he never had genuine villainous intentions and he redeemed himself.

A better example of a villain in PH is Vincent and you can still make a solid argument for him being more of an antihero. Everything he did was for his brother, the one person he cared about to the point where you could easily argue his feelings were probably a bit incestuous based off his behavior alone, but he did bucketloads of awful things even ignoring his unhealthy attachment to Gilbert. Sure, it was largely stemming from trauma caused by Miranda (which probably explains some of the misogyny), but still. He somewhat redeems himself later on with both Gilbert and Ada, thus giving him a full arc. Vincent is perfectly balanced between being likeable and absolutely despicable and is therefore a good villain.

Both of these characters have a lot of depth; you can’t quite hate them, but you can’t fully agree with what they’re doing either. I think Mochizuki did a good job in PH.

Now let’s get to VNC. Ruthven is the most obvious villain at the moment, although I wouldn’t be surprised if he becomes something of an antihero…

I’ll be honest, though. I’m not sure I want to see Ruthven be an antihero. He’s committed some genuine atrocities, and I would very much like to see him answer for those crimes. To date, he seems to be attempting to reignite a war, he’s working with Charlatan and the Church, tried to kill Chloé to cover up a conspiracy, he assaulted Noé, and he holds both Noé and Jeanne under his sway (they’re both basically sleeper agents at this point…). We’re only seven volumes in and this guy is wracking up quite an evil count.

Still, he also took Jeanne in when no one else would, he spared Noé when he didn’t have to, and he was the one who stopped the vampire/human war in the first place. He also seems to be under the sway of Charlatan, so he might be a curse bearer that’s had his will stripped away, thus making him a victim like everyone else. None of that excuses the bad he’s done even remotely, but it does add way more nuance.

In short, Ruthven is a good villain.

So, how about Teacher? We don’t know nearly enough about him to make a good assessment, but I’ll give you my current interpretation of the character: Teacher is a chess master, and quite possibly the ultimate big bad in this series. He has no real attachment to anyone; he’s the definitive Yagami Light: he’s doing everything because he’s bored and curious and he wants to see what will happen if he pushes variables just right.

To date, he took Louis in when his family didn’t want him and then proceeded to use him as an experiment for the kid’s entire life to see “how he would react.” He also killed him in front of Noé when the experiment reached its conclusion.

He went to the black market, bought Noé off of it, told him to call him “Teacher” instead of “Master” and then raised him as his own. That almost sounds like a good deed until you then remember he has also kept a great deal of knowledge away from Noé, thus keeping him ignorant of many basic things in society that really would have come in handy. He spent all his time training him to fight and use the world formula, was apparently a difficult trainer, and then sent him off into the world on his own without any really useful knowledge to investigate The Book of Vanitas.

As if all of that wasn’t suspicious enough, he appears to be watching Noé through Murr, so he knows all of the heinous things happening to Noé and has literally done nothing to prevent any of it; he’s just watching.

Noé is Teacher’s puppet and he doesn’t even know it. He’s genuinely fond of him as a mentor and would do anything for him without question. It’s truly insidious.

So, yeah, Teacher is a great villain, but I think we’re all going to be furious with him by the end of the series. The real question is whether we’ll see any redeeming features to the guy. Does he have any good reasons for doing any of this? Who knows! The fact that we can’t see his facial features reminds me of Xai Vessalius, and I don’t think that guy did anything to redeem himself whatsoever, so, you know.

Uh, but as far as who my favorite villains in Mochizuki’s works are? Probably Jack. XD He’s such a scumbag, but a sympathetic one, and the twists surrounding him were both a lot of fun and utterly devastating. Still, VNC isn’t over yet, so there’s plenty of time to see if that opinion changes!

[raquel-and-sergio]

What wouldn’t I do for you - part 2

Hey there! So this part turned out a bit more graphic/violent than intended but I will calm down on the angst in the next parts ( or not idk depends on my mood) anyway here it comes enjoy!

Btw thank you so much for all the kind comments under the previous post, they literally fueled me to write 2k words for today’s chapter so thanks again!

Raquel could feel the drops of sweat trickling down her back. Alberto seems to reveal in her discomfort and kept moving closer and closer to her, and she was able to do nothing but watch him.

“Oh come on now don’t make a face, we used to get along so well when you listened to me” the sarcasm dripping from his voice made Raquel cringe. Fighting the flood of memories that was begging to invade her head, Raquel put on her best neutral faced mask and spit:

“Do you honestly fucking believe you just have to come down here and taunt me and suddenly I’m going to have plenty of things to say? As I’ve told your colleague, I don’t know anything about the Professors plan.” An all too familiar wolfish grin shaped her ex-husband’s mouth.

“I haven’t asked you anything about your boyfriend, don’t need to get all riled up. No, I just thought we should catch up and you should tell me where the fuck you’ve hidden my daughter” his voice growled. “Your idiotic ass has no right to drag her into this mess you’ve made of your life.”

“Yeah, as if I’m going to let any of you near her after that psychopathic inspector threatened to throw her in jail if I don’t rat myself out. Anyway, I don’t even know where is the safe house the Professor sent them to.”

“Now see, that’s when I don’t believe you. That you’d let anyone take Paula out of your care without knowing where she is. No, you’re too attached to my child to do anything like that. So that means you’re lying to me, aren’t you?”

Raquel shook her head, not at all reassured of where this might be going.

“You do remember what happens when you lie to me don’t you?”

Oh she remembered painfully well, but the days in which Alberto could control her every action were over. She wasn’t that person any more, she was stronger, she was independent.

“Paula is my daughter as well. I would never let anything bad happen to her even if that means not knowing exactly where she is and-“ Raquel heard the slap ricocheting on her skin before she could even start feeling the burning pain on her right cheek. Her eyes watered once again, and she shifted in her cold humid pants.

“Paula is not your daughter. She is mine. You...” he paused to grab her face where the pain of the slap was still hot “are an irresponsible stupid woman who deserves nothing. Do you hear me? Nothing. And in here, you’re gonna get just that”

Raquel tried to control the trembling of her lower lip and ended up biting it when she couldn’t get it to stop.

“I mean look at yourself. We left you no more than ten minutes in the dark and you’re already wetting yourself in fear. Even a child can behave longer than that.”

The words echoed in Raquel’s head. Ten minutes? They left her only for ten minutes? That’s impossible, she had a very good internal clock thanks to the hours of meditation she’d done beforehand. Alberto was just messing with her mind again. She shook her head.

“You can question me as long as you want, but it won’t change the fact that I don’t know anything about -“

“Shut the fuck up!” He yelled, drops of saliva landing on Raquel’s face. “Did I tell you to speak? Tell me did I allow you to open your fucking mouth? No, I don’t think so. If you don’t have anything useful to say, spare me your miserable breathe. Now...” he inhaled and took a step back, raising his hand slightly in a menacing manner.

“...let’s get back to business shall we?” It took Raquel all of what’s left of her willpower not to allow herself to crawl back into her unhealthy coping mechanisms. She knew that was exactly what Alberto was aiming for. He wanted to get her back to being afraid of his mere presence, to break her confidence, to make her believe she’s unlovable.

And to be honest with herself, Raquel would say that he is pretty much succeeding. It was funny how difficult it was to get over the torturous years she spent with him but also how easy it was to disregard all the kind words Sergio had told her.

A flaming pain interrupted her thoughts.

“Where. Is. My. Daughter?” Alberto punctuated each word with a slap on the same cheek. The entire right side of her face was burning up, and she winced in pain when she tried to talk.

“I don’t know you idiot I don’t know!” she cried. She wouldn’t let him win. She couldn’t. Not when she had worked so hard to heal.

“Not only talking back but also lying to me? No no no, that is not how this is going to go. Listen to me very carefully. You might have forgotten how things roll around here, but I have all the time in the world to remind you. You have no right to keep my child away from me.”

He paused, and looked her in the eye.

“You know what, these chains are a tad inconvenient aren’t they? Let me take them off for you. We’ll have much more fun that way.”

Raquel didn’t react as he took out a key from his pocket and unlocked her from the wall and from the floor. She simply let down her sore arms and stared at him, wondering what would come next.

“Tell me, what did the Professor do to make you so afraid of betraying him? You were never that loyal to me. Did he beat you into submission so badly? Should I go get advice from him?”

Anger rose in Raquel’s chest.

“You have no right to talk about him like that. He never raised a hand on me unlike you, you fucking piece of shit.”

Alberto chuckled.

“So aggressive!” He shook his head. “You definitely need to be put back into your place. Good thing I’m here for that. Now come on, get up.”

Raquel brought her feet closer and using the wall as support started pulling herself upwards.

“I said, get up!” He violently tugged on the chain that still tied her hands together. Taken by surprise, Raquel found herself falling face down on the floor. Alberto laughed again and placed his muddy boot on her head.

“You like it like that, don’t you? On the floor, with my filthy shoe in your hair, you want that. Because that’s what you are, that’s your place. You’re worthless and good for nothing. You don’t deserve to live. You don’t.”

Raquel struggled against the weight that was keeping her down. She tried to turn her head around to see what Alberto was doing but couldn’t. A knot was building up in her stomach, her hands were trembling, and she was breathing heavily.

“Let go of me you piece of...” Shock invaded her body as she felt a hard object against her butt cheek, and before she could react she heard a zap and electricity flew through her body. Pain like she had never felt before burned in her and Raquel held back a scream of anguish.

“Still playing though? That’s cute.” Alberto presses once again on the controller and Raquel bit her lip wincing in pain.

“You really wanna play that game uh? Alright then that’s fine with me.” Keeping her still under his foot Alberto pulled down her pants and underwear exposing her still wet behind to the air.

As soon as she had felt the contact of his frigid hands against her pants Raquel had started kicking and punching to get away from him, but he kept her tightly locked under him.

Once he had entirely stripped her, Alberto leaned down, locked her hands under her body then sat down on the back of her shoulders, her naked ass exposed in front of him.

Raquel struggled and kicked, tried to roll over but Alberto’s metal grip kept her in place. He watched her struggle a while longer. Then, when saw her muscles relaxing a bit, he poked her naked skin near her ass hole with the prod augmenting the voltage.

This time, Raquel yelled in pain. Alberto poked her again without letting her recover, and she cried again.

“Tell me, does that remind you anything? Do you remember where is my daughter? Do you have anything to tell me?”

“I swear- I swear I don’t know!” Raquel struggled to keep her voice steady, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“Wrong answer.”

“No- Honestly I don’t kno-“ she didn’t have time to finish her words before Alberto plunged the prod inside her ass and shocked her. The excruciating pain made her cry out louder than she knew she could.

Alberto watched her muscles clenching and unclenching, wondering what her face is looking like. Next time, he thought, he’d chose a position where he can see her better.

He let her writhe on the floor a bit more, then applied three consecutive shocks on the same spot as the previous one. His ex-wife screamed in agony, her entire body shaking and her toenails curling and scraping the floor.

“You do realize Marquina doesn’t actually love you right? He’s manipulating you, using you. Is a man like that really worth it?” He poked at Raquel again, enjoying her cries, then poked again some more without giving her time to rest.

“Shut up... shut-shut up... What would you know about love?” breathed Raquel, her voice raw from all the screaming.

“You’re cute, believing he ever cared about you... you know no one would blame you if you just told us what you knew, you can still redeem yourself...”

Raquel didn’t answer.

“Or well, we can keep playing this little game until you break, it’s not like I have anything better to do since you’ve kidnapped my daughter.”

Alberto placed the cattle prod deeper in her ass, augmented the voltage, then pressed the controller. Raquel resumed her screaming, but this time he didn’t stop immediately . Keeping his finger firmly on the “shock” button he began talking to her:

“You’re doing this for nothing, for no one. Marquina doesn’t know you’re alive, and if he did he wouldn’t care. We could keep you here forever no one would know. It would be so much easier if you talked. Just talk and it’s all over, you’ll never see me again. But you need to help me out here. Where’s Paula, Raquel?”

“Please... I don’t I’m begging you... I don’t know...” but the pain wasn’t stopping. Raquel howled in agony and felt bile rising up in her stomach. She twisted and kicked and cried but Alberto didn’t stop.

He was watching her attentively, wondering how much more she could take without getting seriously injured. Just as he was thinking that Raquel begin vomiting her bowels out. He turned off the prod and stood up, dragging her back in her initial sitting position.

“Anything you have to say?”

Raquel tried to speak, but only managed to vomit again. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her throat was sore and the stabbing pain in her ass was a constant torture.

“Calm down, it’s over for today I guess. Come on stop whimpering . You wouldn’t to disappoint me even more would you? Cause then I might take my anger out on your sister when I go home” he said in a honeyed voice.

“I hate you.” She managed to spit.

“I’m sure you do love, I’m sure you do.”

Alberto leaned in and placed his lips her on her reddening cheek. He sucked slightly making her moan in pain, then bit her. Surprised, she tried to back away, but he simply laughed and pulled her shackled hands back upwards and tying her to her post once again.

Raquel was entirely immobilized, sitting against the wall and her legs tied to the floor.

Exhausted, she let herself fall back on the wall and watched him turn the lights of as he exited the room.

Part 3

[greyvvardenfell]

I'm Conflicted™

so I reeeeally hate talking to people about anything even tangentially related to fanfiction in person. I just hate it. it's shameful and humiliating and makes me feel like one of those neckbeard fedoras everyone hates. I /know/ that's a bad take but whatever, that's how I feel.

BUT

I worked up the courage a bit ago to tell my therapist about writing fic To Cope, and it came up again yesterday. the problem is that I can never just say "oh hey I write fic to cope" (a normal and good thing), I then have to be fucking honest about everything and go on to say "haha yeah and also my brain is broken and I'm actually in love with a fictional character lol"

so like. I know it's all Coping. I've done this before. I know it's all fake and a product of my a) perfectionism, b) fear of vulnerability, c) need for safety, and d) profound loneliness, in addition to being demisexual and having a history of crushing on one (1) person at a time, often for years on end regardless of reciprocity. I know. I get it.

but I swear to god if she tries to take julian away from me? I'll fuckin riot. she said she wouldn't. she said she wanted to be "curious" about my attachment to the fictional and escapism in general. I told her point-blank that the last time a therapist said that to me (because I was just getting to this stage with my old counselor before she moved), I did Not react well. I am very, very, very protective of the things I enjoy /anyway/, and adding in the.... relationshippy loyalty?? however creepy that is?? just makes it worse.

as if I didn't feel enough like a neckbeard fedora, now I have to contend with the fact that I'm trying to protect a figment of my imagination from being erased, like a concerned mother throwing out her son's disgusting anime girl body pillow.

it sounds stupid and contrary but actually at this point julian is kinda more than just a figment of my imagination? like sure he's in my head but his personality is a result of the input of everything I've ever read and seen about him, just like everyone else's. and he has flaws and weaknesses and imperfections and things I disagree with. what I told my last therapist was that writing him (specifically writing him and reyja) was good practice for me to actually deal with interpersonal communication, since I get little to no hands-on experience with that in my hermit-like lifestyle. and like... yeah, you can force characters to do whatever you want, but you know if it feels ~right~ or not. like what they would actually do. if you know them well enough.

I don't know. I told my therapist I didn't want to talk about this, that even being "curious" about it would ruin it. I can't remember where the quote is from, or even the exact wording, but it's something along the lines of dissecting a joke kills it in the process? and this is the same thing. I don't want to tear my escapist tendencies apart. I don't want to dissect julian and figure out what I'm gaining from him. I already know. yeah, maybe it's unhealthy. I'm not healthy though. doesn't take a genius to work that out.

I know he's not real. I know I can never have him or anyone like him, because he doesn't exist. Isn't that pain enough? isn't carrying around that heartache punishment enough for me? just let me fucking have this. please. let me have this one piece of happiness. I already have to shove so much shame away to even consider it happiness, damn it. can't I just have my imaginary friend without being such a freak?

I wish I hadn't told her. It wasn't cathartic at all to "share my secret," like sharing secrets usually is. it wasn't like coming out or admitting to a truth you've been avoiding. I just... i hate the part of myself that even sought out this refuge in the first place, while also being super protective and invested in it? I don't know. maybe someday I won't need to escape this life anymore, but right now I absolutely do. and I'm not letting anyone jeopardize that.

[bakedpieceofchicken]

5am long personal vent

dont interact with this

note: this post mentions endeavor a lot.

context (very important!): I pretty much binge-read an entire tumblr user’s meta posts and I found them interesting and very informative. 

I also read through their salt tag and now I’m compelled to gather my thoughts together considering the literal title I’ve held for months now is “Hawks is a lov member already”. I’m extremely socially awkward, even on this online platform, so I’m not going to mention the aforementioned tumblr user’s name because I’m too anxiety-ridden to try to contact them. This is in no way shape or form an attack on the person’s opinions nor their character. It’s me... rambling about my thoughts about their opinions at 4 am. 

Is it defending myself? Well, not really, because I don’t feel personally attacked. Just because we have a difference of opinion doesn’t mean we have to resort to attacking each other. I found their opinions thought-provoking and wanted to pick my own brain... I picked this time purposely so nobody would see this post :eyes: so like uhm yeah

note 2: “you” refers to unnamed tumblr user. sorry about weird point of view...

anyways let’s get into the meat 

villain hawks

yay or... nay...?

Well, in fanon it would be such a fun idea to play around with. Personally I think there’s potential for League of Villain interactions with Hawks. I would LOVE to see Hawks interacting with the other pro heroes, but the only pro-to-pro interaction we get with Hawks is between Hawks and Endeavor. Because the atmosphere between the pro-heroes feels... disconnected.

Now, hear me out.

Let’s contrast it with the idealized version of hero society provided in future fics. Or hell, comparing the top ten pro heroes to Class 1-A itself. We want to think all the heroes are friendly with each other and have some sort of camaraderie with each other

But Horikoshi doesn’t present it like that. 

The closest thing to that we get is Endeavor and Hawks. Other than that, the atmosphere between hawks and the other heroes seem more strained or tense (the whole miruko hawks thing is fanon). And even then, it’s... well... Endeavor and Hawks don’t truly know each other. Hawks only knows the public perception and image of Endeavor, which is the only thing he’s been given while Endeavor doesn’t truly knows Hawks either. I’m not saying the interactions are fake, but... would Hawks be acting the way he was if he knew about Endeavor’s past?

No. I don’t have any predictor to how differently Hawks would act, but I definitely sense there’d be a lot of disappointment and loss of respect for the man he was rooting for. To what extent? Would Hawks just be in complete disbelief? Or would he react with immediate anger? There are parallels to Hawks and Todoroki Rei--both were picked from the crowd and had their lives controlled because of their “value” determined by Endeavor/The Hero Commission respectively.

But honestly from an objective standpoint, I have nothing to go off of other than the fact that Hawks deeply respects and idolizes Endeavor the most out of anyone in the manga we’ve seen and the fallout of that would be of an equally shattering magnitude...

Ahh i went off on a tangent. the point is... do we really know Hawks? Does Hawks ever get a chance to just.. be himself? Maybe we see a bit of that shine when he’s alone with Endeavor, but as we saw clearly in chapter 186 he puts on a care-free facade for his fans. But in reality... he’s always working because he’s one of the hero commission’s greatest assets. 

and... here’s where our opinions clash. I truly, in the depths of my heart, believe that Hawks is building a reality where heroes have more free time comes from a more selfish desire for himself. Don’t get me wrong--I don’t want to disservice what Hawks has done for society. But also it feels like he’s the type who overworks himself because he feels moral obligation to society when... technically he doesn’t owe anything to society. 

Yes, in superhero shows and whatnot, it’s usually a positive trait that “hey this person’s been born with an amazing power and they’ve chosen to use it for the greater good! Look what they’re sacrificing!!!” But let’s say theoretically that person decides “hey i don’t want to be a hero i just want to be a writer!” Are they morally wrong for deciding not to be a hero even though they would theoretically be good at it? Even though it’s not something they want for themselves?

Because I don’t think Hawks wants to be a hero. But he also doesn’t want people to die. He’s tied himself with these moral obligations to the point where he can’t leave now because he feels it would be selfish of him to. And that is speculation, but Horikoshi isn’t exactly spelling it out for us! So, that’s how I interpret Hawks’ character. Yes, he is a true hero in that he wants to save as many people as he can, even at the cost of his pride his dignity his fucking freedom...

but also, he never wished for that. he never asked to be one who has to deal with all of this. But now that he is, what choice does he have? 

So, yes, we agree on that. But I also feel that his personal desire plays as big of a part. Because we, as humans, naturally want things for ourselves. Our personal desire for ourselves shouldn’t be downplayed at all! That’s why I believe his inner thoughts are worded “more free time” rather than “make society more safe”. Because he has his priorities! He wants the best of both worlds-- it’s a form of negotiation. He can still play the hero and less lives would be taken but he can also having some breathing room for himself like he’s always wanted.

To free himself just a little bit from the stressful life of being a hero. 

There is nothing wrong with being motivated by personal desires. Hawks is one of the most grounded heroes we’ve seen--I think he’s cynical enough that he’s self aware of this selfish desire for a freer life. And it’s selfish to him only because he knows that it would never happen without the expense of a few lives-- lives that he knew he would never forgive himself for letting slip.

I think it’s a toxic mindset.

Because as heroic as placing others above yourself... that attitude is completely unhealthy and I don’t think it should be celebrated. What I want to see from Hawks’ natural progression as a character is recognizing that it’s okay to prioritize yourself. Hell, Midoriya learned this during the summer training arc and failed to retain that lesson during the Overhaul arc! THESE HEROES DON’T TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES!!! (ok i get midoriya’s trying). 

And if it’s selfish to desire more free time for yourself off from work, is it really that wrong of someone to do so? To want more control over your life? To want to do things you want to do rather than what others want you to do?

What does this have to do with villain Hawks? Well, I think a large desire for villain hawks is because it shows the departure of that mindset! Hawks doesn’t need to be confined to his hero persona anymore, he can finally do things he wants to do and be the free bird he’s always wanted to be.

But him becoming a complete villain is... far-fetched. This myself I recognize. I’ve only written villain!hawks once and that was because he snapped after the hero commission executed shigaraki and dabi as a show of power rather than going through the effort of trying to re-integrate the men back into hero society. I don’t want to go too deep because this isn’t the point I’m trying to make, but Hawks realizes how power-obsessed society is to the point where he doubts the legitimacy of the hero commission itself and what they do for society and its people.

But, again, that’s not going to ever happen in canon so I won’t bring it up another time. The point I was trying to make is yeah, you’re right that Hawks would never become a villain. He wouldn’t become a murderer- if he does, he definitely needs more incentive than what we can go off from canon.

And ohhh boy here we go, reaching the erm elephant in the room.

(These are the points made in the salt tag btw)

Is Villain!Hawks just an excuse to write hotwings? And what is the plausibility of Hawks turning to villainy? Would Endeavor being exposed as a child abuser be the trigger if Hawks were to turn villain at some point in the story?

Eh...

I don’t know if I even want to go into the whole “this is just an excuse to make hawks and dabi evil boyfriends” because I’ve never used villain!hawks as justification for that personally. And I’m actually not as attached to hotwings as I am to something like shigahawks... I don’t have any points to counteract this other than my desire to see Hawks interact with the entire league. Because it would be fun to see him interact in an environment he’s not wholly familiar with. With Endeavor or the other heroes or even the hero commission, he has some semblance of control or understanding so he thinks/acts like he knows what’s going on. 

Meanwhile, the League is a huge mess and they don’t have their shit together and wouldn’t it be funny to see Hawks as a part of their crew suffering with them!!! Well, that’s bias. My bias. For fanon. And for the jokes. So sad :(

So... I don’t just want to see more Dabi and Hawks interaction. I want to see more Hawks and League interaction. or just more hawks and anyone interactions overall. maybe thats all i crave

Actually going through the points one by one, let’s talk plausibility.

I already talked about villain!hawks being a... departure from Hawks’ faults in his own character. But it is pretty extreme, I’ll admit. If Hawks were ever to join the League of Villains, he’d probably never use killing as first resort. As we’ve seen in chapter 220, it’s not like the League targets only heroes... but i get the salt tag was made like 5 months ago so it’s not like new information hasn’t been released at the time of posting.

Reminds me of domestichobgoblins’ shigadabihawks fic where shigaraki even acknowledges “Whatever bullshit you’ve been telling Dabi, you aren’t a killer either, are you? So what, exactly, am I supposed to do with you?” And you know? The both are you are right. Hawks isn’t a killer and he wouldn’t become a killer willingly... unless he was pushed by some other greater force but I’m not here to address any of that. He could still provide support to the league in other ways, arguably, or just joining the league could be some kind of message to the heroes or supporters of hero society.

You are right to a degree. Hawks’ sole motivator to become a villain wouldn’t be because “OH ENDEAVOR IS AN ABUSER GUESS I GOTTA TURN EVIL NOW”.

Okay pushing past that, so why would Hawks be motivated to become a villain? In canon? I’ve already warped a lot of this post with my own fanon but I’m trying to keep within the realm of canon for this point specifically since you could take a second to push Hawks over the edge in fanon and be done with it. But why would Horikoshi specificially do it?

The fact is hero society sucks. A lot. And I think Hawks recognizes that fact being the most “grounded” and cynical of the bunch. His views and visions of hero society aren’t warped by fantasies and such (which is probably why he doesn’t like All Might...) so he understands what’s happening around him. He understands the mechanisms of hero society and how “valuable” quirks are viewed as in their capitalist society.

But also, he doesn’t  have that much of an option other than trying to lessen the burden placed upon him. Because he’s a single man, and even with his influence, he can’t change society. He’s powerless to do so, even considering who he is. He’s seen as a role model to those in society, but it’s because of his ranking that ironically fuels why people even look up to him: denouncing that would be kind of silly considering it’s the reason why people would listen in the first place.

And this is the point where I say... Shigaraki had a point. Hero society is flawed. It shouldn’t be so reliant on one person to carry it all.

But also hero society itself is bullshit. The ranking system? Horrible. The fact that the hero commission views them as tools for their own disposal? Horrible. The mere fact they basically bribe Hawks into becoming a hero? Like? “Hey kid you’re the best at being a hero so that’s what you should do. we’re only going to give you financial support if you become a hero so you might as well” like what is Hawks supposed to do in that sort of situation? Of course he’s going to succumb to the pressure.

I don’t believe in this whole “sacrifice for the greater good” bullshit. If Hawks wants to be a hero, that’s a whole another story, but if Hawks doesn’t, then he shouldn’t have been forced into that role. It’s about agency--it’s about letting him decide for himself if it’s what he wants to do. And it’s... a gray area for morality. “It’d be selfish for him to let people die!” Who is in the right to say whether or not he should use his “powers” for others’ sake? Me? You? The Hero commission?

So if Horikoshi goes down the path of “hey hero society is extremely bad and needs to change” and Hawks recognizes the League as a proponent for that change, then with a lot of development, it’s plausible in the future. I understand that Hawks, as of what we currently see, is too upheld by his own morals to ever even think about crossing that line, but people change. Hell, you recognized how the High End arc changed Endeavor and made miles of metas about it.

So, is it really far-fetched to say villain!Hawks is just a dream?

Maybe I’m a fool or an optimist, but I’d love to see Horikoshi take that path. Not because I’m horny for evil boyfriends, but it’d be a nice change of pace and we’d get to see a complete contrast of Hawks’ experiences. And it wouldn’t be easy-it’d had to be done right. Just like Endeavor’s redemption arc--if Horikoshi is still planning it. (Let’s be honest: High End Arc was not a formal redemption. I think it was Horikoshi letting the readers know “there might be something worth saving in Endeavor!” but i digress because i don’t care enough about endeavor (his character and redemption has 0 appeal to me and thats FINE. YOU DO YOU AND I DO ME, I only talk about him when it’s essential to talk about the influence he has on characters I DO care about).

As to why people like to characterize the moment Hawks decides to quit being a villain being attributed to Hawks learning Endeavor is an abuser...

The fallout, as mentioned earlier, could vary. A lot. Hawks really looked up to Endeavor when he was young. Again, shattering to find out something so nasty about the one you idolized.

To know that the one Hawks looked up used his wife just like how the hero commission used Hawks. Like an object or tool at their disposal. 

Would he be vengeful or spiteful towards Endeavor personally? To others, probably yes. To me? I’m kind of in the “eh” skeptical ballpark so I guess we somewhat agree on that. To me, Endeavor being exposed as an abuser would  crush that small slither of childish hope that hero society represents something bigger than themselves. Did Hawks ever get to have the childhood Deku had where he was still cheering on the heroes from behind the screen, or did it get crushed just as quickly when he realized how hero society truly works?

Because hero society isn’t bigger than themselves. It shouldn’t be idolized so heavily as it is presented in BNHA.

At least, not in its current state. And people who don’t fit in that group or agree with its ideals suffer the consequences. Like Shigaraki. Like Twice and Spinner. Like Gentle.

These are all villains that are products of society that promised to stamp out villains. And when Hawks realizes that it’s just a never ending cycle where the people left in between the cracks are the ones who perpetuate the system itself...

Like you said, Hawks sees the bigger picture. And his goal is to lessen the burden of the workload for heroes. There will never be a shortage of everyday criminals using their quirks for petty crimes but what about the bigger picture organizations? How are they going to be stopped? What about examining the root core of the problem and going from there? No more short-term solutions to problems... What can Hawks, mighty number two hero, do even at the expense of himself? Hmm... 

I don’t know, just some food for thought. Something I’ve seen done for villain!hawks is the hero commission throwing Hawks under the bus for some reason and Hawks either a) joins the league to gleam more information but finds himself willing to stay or b) has nowhere else to go and it’s more of a push for Hawks to orbit towards the League.

I am really thankful for your thoughts! Even though we don’t agree on things, I think discussion is still possible (whenever my anxiety stops bashing me in the head) and I’m always willing to accept I may be wrong about something. At this point in time (3/27/2019), we have less than 10 chapters released that centers around Hawks, but he’s certainly intrigued a lot of people considering he’s already #4 in popularity from so little chapters released! I think he and his introduction to BNHA represent the more cynical side of hero society that we haven’t been able to properly see from Deku’s perspective!

And I’m interested in what direction Horikoshi is going to take Hawks’ character in! The one thing I’m truly against is Hawks staying the “good little hero” in the end--whether he dies, becomes a villain, or hell even just stops being a hero is good enough for me. Free the bird or kill him off is what I’d want to see. That’d be enough of a character arc for me. Characters change, and it’d be silly to expect Hawks to stay the same especially since he has a lot of baggage on his shoulders and his current situation as a double agent for the League is precarious--despite him stating that he was willing to sacrifice his own reputation for the good of everyone, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t feel at least some degree of hurt over losing the respect of everyone and his colleagues. 

My thoughts are pretty clunky but maybe someone was able to gleam something from my stupid 5 am vent...

I love Dabihawks, even though I’m not as invested in it as say Shigahawks or ShigaDabiHawks (which I’m sure you’d definitely have objections to considering your other salt posts... but not something I want to address here), and I still think DabiHawks is a great ship more so because of the dynamic than the aesthetic. But hey, you ship what you ship, you are allowed to express your disdain for the ship--I’ve certainly expressed my own disdain for the your ship in the past--and your salt posts which probably took like 10 minutes to type out provoked me to type out my own thoughts which took like 2 hours to fully process. Like I said earlier: you do you, I do me.

And again-- I’m not trying to “defend” here nor am I trying to “attack”. I just had things I wanted to say and I hope I DON’T have the attitude of someone looking down on you, because I think you have very valid opinions and thoughts and sometimes discourse can just be healthy discussions about how we interpret different characters. We are literally squeezing everything we can out of one character we love and there’s enough room for different interpretations of the same character ^^ If anything, I actually look up to you, which is why I’m too much of a coward to send this to you because oh my god i am so embarrassed about a lot of the shit that comes out of my mouth and i constantly worry about if im saying wrong things even though im open to people telling me why  im wrong about said things. 

tdlr; villains hawks very good. has nothing to do with dabihawks. villain hawks very good on its own. I agree with tumblr user on a lot of things, yet we see differently on other things. The world keeps spinning--I think it’s more interesting to address differences in opinions rather than ignore them. 

(the person this post was meant for will probably never see this unless i send it to them to whcih im like oh my god what if they roast me to hell and back despite me claiming yes i amn ot trying to destroy them or their reputation i just want to talk about this because i had fun trying to think about why i love villain hawks so much aaaaa maybe i am just a delusional fangirl but im also a delusional fangirl who wrote multiple paragraphs about this so... /shrug)

end. again please dont interact. if you want to talk to me about it, inbox/dm me but i dont want this post to get notes. thank you. hides what have I done... 

this has been sorta meta but not really just chicken fucking around at 6 am and good night. maybe sometime in the next... month... ill have the courage to send this to the tumblr user. maybe when i have confidence... or maybe when i make mel look this over. that was a joke- she couldnt even finish my other meta piece which was shorter than this. :)

[eldritchsurveys]

153.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By x-hallie-x]]

1. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? >> I’ve been in all of the examples presented. The challenges remain the same across the board -- communication errors and competing access needs.

2. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? >> My relationship is already non-monogamous, although neither of us is actively seeing anyone else in meatspace currently. (”Polyapathetic” is the word I use for it sometimes, lol.) There isn’t anything I don’t like about it.

3. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? >> Probably the one with the creator of this survey, incidentally. I used to not say anything for the sake of “not causing drama”, but I see where I did myself a disservice in the attempt of doing him a service, one that I don’t necessarily owe him after what he put me through. People can make their own decisions about whether to be friends or lovers with him, after all, and it’s not like I’m running around telling people not to be friends or lovers with him. By all means, if y’all get along, I’m actually glad. He’s sorely in need of healthy interaction, he just definitely can’t get it from me.  It was unhealthy because for me he was excessively clingy, demanding, and emotionally manipulative, whereas my attachment style is distant and avoidant, and neither of those styles work well together except, I’d imagine, in unique cases (probably aided by therapy, tbh). He made great demands upon my time and energy and made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to reclaim that time and energy. And so on and so forth. 4. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? >> I don’t think I’ve been abusive. I know I’ve been accused of being such, and I wouldn’t argue with it because that... doesn’t solve the problem. But from my point of view, having repeatedly educated myself on what abusive behaviour looks like, I can’t see myself fitting into that model. I’ve been unhelpful, reactive, aloof/distant, and callous -- but not abusive. I think the best way to make amends for abusive behaviour is to change one’s behaviour. And change it consistently. And, most importantly, realise that the person you hurt is under no obligation to forgive you or let you back into their lives. If they do, great -- do not squander their forgiveness. If they don’t, that’s their right. You still owe it to yourself, and the people who are in your life, to be better.

5. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? >> Yeah. No.

6. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? >> I don’t know, because I’m not sure how that’s measured. I just am where I am, and am doing my damn best. 7. Do you feel like you’re lagging behind your peers in terms of development or do you feel that you’re more ahead of the bunch? >> I think I’m supposed to see myself as “lagging behind”, but that’s all bullshit. I just am where I am, like I said. 8. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? >> I don’t know, really. It embarrasses me to want attention and reassurance and solace, but I don’t think that’s like, a personality trait that needs changing. I’m just embarrassed about it because I was taught to be. 9. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? >> Man, I do and enjoy a lot of things that people who’ve bought into the bullshit would say is “for children”. If you seriously believe it’s unacceptable for an adult to do something as fucking benign as watch cartoons or sleep with a teddy bear, then your opinion ain’t worth squat to me anyway. 10. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? >> I don’t remember. I don’t often acknowledge my triggers when they actually occur, which is a separate issue. 11. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? >> I don’t know what my diagnosis is. I’ve been diagnosed as a number of things over the years, either because of incompetent mental health professionals or a lack of transparency on my part (but most often an awful combination of both). I think any “disorder” I have would have to be a developmental or neurological one, because a lot of who I am has been like this for as long as I can remember (and has only been exacerbated by events that happened later). 12. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? >> One complaint is that a lot of mental health professionals don’t... like, do the work. They’ll just see someone once or twice and go “oh you clearly have [x]” just based upon some cursory questioning and observation. That’s not logical or ethical to me. I’ve had so many negative experiences in MH that at this point I now have trauma related to that -- which makes it a fucking riot to try to go to therapy! “Hi, first you’ll have to work through my trauma related to therapists before we can get down to the actual therapy.” Ha! 13. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? >> Actually, I usually take that possibility under advisement (it’s an awkward but sometimes useful side effect of having been treated as a scapegoat). Unfortunately, sometimes I’m not the problem, and I have a hard time really convincing myself that no, I didn’t necessarily do anything to deserve the treatment I got. 

14. In an average week, how often do you leave the house? Generally, how many miles would you say you travel in that time? >> Usually on the weekends because we go grocery shopping and down to Wayland to do laundry. During the week, maybe once or twice, on a good week. There’s really just nowhere to go. 15. Have you ever made a mistake or did something you were too embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone else? Did you eventually tell anyone? Did their reaction help you feel better or worse about your secrets? >> Probably, but I don’t remember any specific examples. 16. Do you think you’re easy to open up to or do people confide in you often? >> No, I’m apparently not easy to open up to because people generally don’t. I guess. I don’t know how any of this shit works. 17. When was the last time you felt accomplished? When was the last time you felt like you failed at something? >> I don’t remember the last time I felt accomplished. I mean, I remember the last time I did something that I needed to do, but I didn’t feel better once it was over. I guess that’s part of why it’s so difficult for me to do things I need to do but don’t want to -- I don’t get the reward feedback from my own brain afterwards. >:| 18. When was the last time you worked really hard on something only to have it get ruined in some way? Did you start over and try again, or did you give up entirely? >> I don’t remember. I haven’t put that much effort into anything lately. 19. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? >> All of the above, and also dry skin and chapped lips. 20. Are you prone to talking during shows? Does it bother you if other people talk? Is there someone you know with a television-watching style so different to yours that you can’t stand to watch with them? >> I’m not prone to it, necessarily, but if I’m with someone who doesn’t mind it or also does it, then I’ll do it. I can go either way. Except when it’s a show that requires a lot of focus, then I need it to be quiet. And I don’t like watching things with people that just like to make negative commentary like they’re a movie critic or something. 21. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? >> I mean, being judged for things I like has been happening for so long that I’m mostly just used to it. But sometimes if I’m really excited about something, or in a certain mood, I won’t talk about it because if someone says one negative thing I’m going to fucking explode on them, lmao. Let people fucking like things, god damn. I don’t know what the worst thing is, but this is kind of funny in retrospect (but in the moment it was hella aggravating): when I was in high school I was really obsessed with the band Creed, and as we all know, Creed was Nickelback before Nickelback existed as far as popular opinion goes. So on the school bus, the kids at the back of the bus would sing that song Higher in the most exaggerated voices possible to heckle me. SMH. 22. If someone judges you, are you more inclined to react defensively, offensively, or indifferently? Do you often judge other people in an overt way, or do you keep most of your judgments to yourself? >> I’m either defensive or indifferent depending on what mood I’m already in and who the person is. I actually make an effort not to judge what other people are into or what kind of people they are, because I feel like it’s an improper and rude way for me to spend my time. Also, Golden Rule. 23. What kind of image, if any, do you hope you project to the world? Like, what qualities do you hope other people are able to see in you? Do you ever feel like you’re coming across all wrong? >> I don’t know what kind of image I want to project. I’m not sure I care about that as much as I care about being valuable to individuals that I want to be valuable to. And one person might value one thing about me while another person might value a completely different thing, so I can’t just pick a trait or two and say “these are the valuable traits”. It’s all relative. And yeah, I feel like my intentions and my actions don’t match up a whole lot, mostly because of the 5966589 layers of trauma-based behaviour I’m operating through. But, you know. It be like that. 24. When was the last time you felt like someone was completely misunderstanding your feelings or intentions? Were you eventually able to explain and clarify? How do you react when you feel seriously misunderstood? >> Constantly, lmao. I don’t remember the last specific example, though. Sometimes I get an opportunity to explain and clarify, but honestly, a lot of the times I don’t even bother because I assume the person either doesn’t care or won’t understand. I usually shut down or withdraw when I feel intensely misunderstood. 25. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? >> I tried it, it didn’t work. Only with Anubis, who I only dated for like a month and a half anyway. 26. What was the last reason you decided you didn’t want to do something? >> Probably poor executive function, as usual. Or low confidence. 27. What is something about you that makes you feel very different from other people (and I don’t mean like a food preference like pineapple on pizza, i mean core level different, where you can’t find this quality in many others)? >> You know, I’m not sure. Because I do feel intensely alienated and not at all like other people sometimes, but all my traits and experiences taken individually are traits and experiences I’ve seen elsewhere. I know other people who have shared consciousnesses, and even people who interact with their inworlders similarly to how I interact with mine. I know that my terribly broken attachment style and inability to connect is not uncommon, especially among other people who were also emotionally neglected as children. And I know that the feeling of alienation, of feeling Very Different from others, is equally common -- many of us feel that way, and we all have well-worked-out justifications for that feeling. But, really? I really believe that’s just part of being alive and sapient. And it’s a foundation for art -- trying to find a means to connect with someone, anyone, when we don’t feel like it’s ever going to be possible. 28. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? >> I don’t have a negative view of mentally-ill people, although I unfortunately am often driven to have a negative view of myself for being mentally-ill. Stupid brains. I do call myself crazy and insane but “mad” is actually my preferred adjective. I try not to use those terms for others unless they’re explicitly okay with it and I’m fucking around with them or something (which is still an iffy thing, but you know). 29. What is one way you often put yourself down? What is one compliment you often give yourself? Do you think you compliment or insult yourself more? >> I put myself down about being an intensely lonely and vulnerable person, because that makes total sense, right? SMH. I also put myself down for being sensitive to noise and light and all that other stuff that I really can’t control even though I wish I could. And for other random shit that I can’t remember just now. I don’t usually compliment myself a lot, but Can Calah does that work for me, which is one reason why I’m intensely grateful for him -- someone’s gotta do it in order to teach me how to do it to myself, and he seems more than up for the task. It’s a pretty common thing inworld -- I berate myself for something, and he counters with impeccable logic and compassion. Never fails. 30. Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? >> People don’t usually comment on what I’m eating. I’m not even sure what someone could say that would bother me -- maybe making fun of me for not cooking full meals all the time, or something, in which case fuck right off. I don’t comment on what other people eat, that’s none of my business and I actually don’t even fucking care. Eat whatever you like, it’s your life and your body and your business.

[mercuriallycooperative]

Holy toast it has been literally over two years and I was so certain I’d posted these! But they’ve just been sitting in the back of my draftbox for some reason, presumably because I didn’t get them done in order. Now, I am like two years behind on Steven Universe episodes, but before I get all caught up and decide whether or not reactions and rewatches are something I want to post, here before you is a blast from the past! By which I mean, my thoughts while rewatching/reacting to a Stevenbomb from two years ago. The below text remains completely unaltered from how it has been sitting, complete, in my draftbox for two years.

Day Three of the Stevennuke!

This one has some fun stuff in it, doesn’t it though?

Week 1/Episode 3 of Summer of Steven (Wednesday, July 20)

Too Short to Ride

1) Okay it had to be pointed out to me, but Peridot’s consistent “Wow, thanks” as a reaction to being given gifts, after Steven told her that’s how human-gift-giving-rituals work, is so precious.

2) Okay, so who else is majorly sympathetic to Peridot here? Most of us internet-folk, suddenly losing all the technology and access to media (including any familiar written works) to which we’ve become accustomed, we’d be in pretty dubious shape.

3) Peridot with a Twitter, a Tumblr, a Youtube account. Oh dear. (Anyone else notice some of the other icons on that tablet of hers? Peridot with Tinder, that’s a recipe for I don’t even know what. Although, the interesting point was made that, although it’s possible those were apps preloaded onto the tablet, it could mean that Greg was looking into, what, dating services?)

4) “I really like this. But it’s a shame it doesn’t come attached to your body...” Peridot, makeshift-smartwatch user.

5) And, what the hell anime/cartoons has Peridot been watching, to do that, that, transformation-sequence-sound-effect thing when displaying her velcro tablet-holder?

6) Peridot having to take the time to parse the phrase “hang out” is interesting- like, it raises the whole ‘what language do gems even speak on Homeworld and is there translation weirdness or what’ question.

7) Okay, the arrangement of that Funland sign weirds me out. Like, it’s a big arch, but it seems like it was drawn flush with the wall/booths behind it? And Steven, Peridot, and Amethyst didn’t have to go under it to enter at all? I may have just missed prior examples of how it was drawn, but it’s just kinda weird.

8) Okay, but actually, with that height-restriction sign, Peridot isn’t actually that short. Like, it looked very much like Mr. Smiley sort of, patted her head a little too hard when compressing her hair, because it looked like she was not standing at her full height. I dunno, how that scene was drawn also kinda just bugs me.

9) What got Steven’s last lifetime ban revoked?

10) Mr. Smiley needs some hired help. Preferably sooner than later, because having someone that sleep deprived watching over most of the dangerous rides at Funland is pretty not good.

11) “I’m not falling for that one again.” Do you mean people have tried to use the excuse of Onion setting the roller coaster on fire before?

12) Still paying off the last lawsuit might actually be the reason for the understaffing, actually.

13) “I also do not steal Steven’s clothes when he’s not looking.” Uh-huh. Sure you don’t.

14) “Um, excuse me, but you’re wrong.” Peridot didn’t need much in the way of social graces in any sense that resembles Earth-Western-Human back with Homeworld, did she.

15) I really like how Amethyst hears Peridot’s bitter talk about shapeshifting and it being an insult to your intended form, and then just is like, bro. Tell me the truth, now, something is up with you. Because yeah, actually, the deflecting thing is something they do have in common.

16) Why did Steven try to shapeshift a cat finger if he knew it would freak him out?

17) Manual activation of shapeshifting powers. That’s one of those ideas that could seem good at first glance, but is, in fact, less good. Peridot’s intermittent deadpan “Ow”s support this.

18) I can see where Peridot’s talk about being an Era II Peridot, and therefore somehow less-than could get to Amethyst, given the whole “overcooked runt” thing.

19) And like, she made a good point, at least about the ‘We don’t care about you because of who you could be, we care about you as you are’ thing.

20) That all being said, there were a few problematic points about what she said- not least of which, a few that were a little hypocritical. Remember all the way back in mid-season-1, where Amethyst was all, I-only-feel-how-I-want-to-feel? The extension of that was that other people couldn’t dictate how she felt- even if she was modulating her feelings with potentially unhealthy behaviour. But here we have Amethyst (giving advice she would have given herself, true), trying to tell Peridot how to feel, about herself and the things she’s lost or the things she’s not. Trying to say that how Peridot is feeling right now is incorrect. It’s done with the best of intentions, but it is still rather not okay.

21) Correspondingly, as well as it did end up turning out, what with Peridot finding out about her metalbending powers, it was super not okay for Amethyst to be trying to take that tablet away from Peridot. Like, on several levels. Like, on a surface level, there’s the fact that the tablet was a gift. And gifts mean things to folks, and even if maybe the gift itself isn’t being super good for a person, the emotion maybe attached to it is important.

Secondly, the tablet is Peridot’s. If you respect a person at all, you need to respect their stuff, their right to have stuff. Peridot’s not a prisoner, and she’s not a child even if she can act like one. Heck, with Steven as a point of comparison, we wouldn’t even expect anyone to be policing his possessions at all. (And on that, note, even a child should have the right to their own stuff, a right to some personal boundaries). Peridot came into alliance with the Crystal Gems with nothing of her own. Her tech was demolished or dropped into the ocean, and that’s really all she demonstrably held as her own. Her tape recorder is gone now after the attempt to patch up with Lapis. But we saw the extent of what she considered hers and of value when she was trying to find a gift for Lapis. She has Camp Pining Heart DVD’s and whatever she’s made recently of the barn. That tablet is like, one familiar thing, and one of a very few things she even owns. It’s not okay to try and take that away.

Thirdly, it’s also not up to Amethyst to determine what Peridot does and does not need to cope with the new turns her life has taken. It’s not up to anybody but Peridot- it’s not up to anyone but themself to know what they do and do not need for their mental wellbeing. Maybe they ought to have help now and again, maybe advice, maybe some Serious Discussions. But trying to run someone’s life for them under the assumption that that’s what’s best is not a thing that ought to be a thing.

And last (although this one is perhaps slightly less of a concern, and also I feel like I’ve forgotten a point), Amethyst is stronger than Peridot, almost certainly. We’ve seen Peridot is less strong than Steven, and I feel like we’ve seen in the past Amethyst is as strong as or stronger than Steven. More than this, as someone who’s been a Crystal Gem for so much longer than Peridot, it’s entirely possible that in Peridot’s mind, Amethyst is still in some level of a position of power over her. Like, obviously at this point Peridot is well trusted, after that business with the Cluster and Yellow Diamond. But It’s quite likely that in Peridot’s mind there’s the lingering fear of ‘If I make Garnet or Amethyst or Pearl angry at me they might throw me out I may lose their trust I may lose their friendship’. Whether it’s warranted or not, it’s not an unlikely train of thought, and while honestly I wouldn’t expect it necessarily to occur to Amethyst, the physical strength thing, I wouldn’t expect her to not notice. Peridot couldn’t have won that tug-of-war for the tablet, not if Amethyst was really as intent on taking it as it seemed- Peridot either doesn’t have or doesn’t know how to access (as the episode tells us) any or all of traditional gem powers, such as shapeshifting, that might have equalized her lack of physical strength. Amethyst was, in essence, acting on someone who couldn’t fight back. That whole scene, honestly, has some undertones of bullying in it.

Like again, it ended well enough. Peridot has metal powers. She won herself that alien toy. (But notice also, that Amethyst stopped trying to toss the tablet when Peridot demonstrated those new powers. If she really thought the tablet was that bad for her, then why did she stop? Or was that one moment of Peridot being happy with herself enough to convince Amethyst that it was all cool now? One way or another, I’m really not happen about Amethyst’s reasons regarding this. Even with the best intentions. And honestly, I get the impression that some of that was Amethyst losing her temper, more than anything else.) But still, there were some things. And I hope they’re at least a little addressed at some point- at the very least, as an extension of the question of Peridot’s limb enhancers and how Amethyst ‘lost’ them.

22) The shorty-squad thing at the end was pretty cool, though.

[system-architect]

50 Q for Vax... please, I need it

OH BOY vax... i’ve been rping him a lot lately but he still remains a bit of an enigma!! lets see..

Personal

1)      Age? 23! he acts older than his age i think

2)      Gender? like all my other ocs bc i’m very self indulgent, he is a trans guy!

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation? vax can think boys are cute, but he’s never been a very romantically active person. he doesn’t lack a capacity for affection, he’s just always... busy with other stuff? it’s not something he thinks about often. if he’s buzzy around someone it’s probably bc he adores their cybernetics/etc work

4)      Height? probably smth like 3′9″

5)      Race? asura (+ cyborg??)

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc). i’m gonna link The Vax Draw, i’m undecided about whether his hair is naturally full black or if the white stripes are weird pigment loss... PS he has a ton of moles all over, not just on his face :D

7)      Any disabilities? hokay this is a Vax Secret but he has some sort of muscular and/or skeletal disorder i need to research into/get specifics on but the general idea is that he can get very weak and achey and have trouble moving sometimes! he deals with this via another Vax Secret i might talk about sometime

8)      Is there a meaning to their name? in asuran ?? idk i dont think their names have meanings, but irl its a shortened asurafied version of ‘vaccine’ bc i thought it sounded cool

9)      What makes them, them? Odd Question but he’s very shaped by his childhood experiences studying his father’s work and looking up to his dad and he’s very defined by his innate drive to bulldoze towards goals he has and wants to research... he’s a very stubborn and determined person who’s very much an agent For Himself

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? he is Growed Up but he really wants to keep chasing revolutions in prosthetics/augments/cybernetics.. he wants to help people in ways they couldn’t otherwise be helped (atypical inquest huh)

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? yes one parent, a single dad! ppl who’ve been watchin my hell rp server stuff will know his name is akka and he’s one of the top prosthetics smiths in the industry and was very private about his work but had a very cutting edge philosophy towards artificial parts and lead some really revolutionary work... dr. akka is a very kind and patient man with a good soul who is a tad weary from the world but he loved his son very much! he and vax had a great bond and vax was always eager to learn about his dad’s life work and his dad was always eager to teach him.. akka is an overall pretty amazing man, it’s a shame he joined the inquest for some reason and now we don’t know his current whereabouts......

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings? he technically has a sibling! maybe more? but he’s never met them... vax is perfectly pleased with being an only child, we’ll have to see how he reacts if he ever meets this one. it’s actually a character y’all are already familiar with.......

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often? nope and nope

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) vax essentially lives out of his workshop within the sigma-5 prime division laboratory space which is Not a safe place no....... but he loves it... he technically has an apartment somewhere in soren draa that is as much of a junk pile as his workshop whoops (vax is very much a ‘i know where everything is in this chaos. don’t move it’ person...)

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? i semi-answered this above but he has enough funding via the inquest to do his research projects as well as have a place for himself! i wouldn’t call him upper class probably just kinda middle ish, he keeps himself afloat alright

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? despite vax’s attachment to akka’s work and vice versa, akka is a very chill guy who never expected vax to live up to it or anything like that.. he just thought it was great vax had the interest in it

17)   Do they have pets? alas, no.... if he did i could see him owning smth more atypical like a ferret and fuck i kinda like that idea now i’ll have to meditate on it

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family? take one guess

19)   This there anything special about their family? his dad being a renowned prosthetics doctors is pretty special yeah

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? absolutely not

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)? alas vax is... very very much a lone wolf! this section is gonna be hard to answer and i’m probably gonna have to cross out some stuff because vax purposefully doesn’t really get close to anyone and he’s exceedingly unperturbed about this.. i meant it when i said he’s very self-driven! he’s not ultra egotistic and he doesn’t hate other people, nor is he unempathetic (i’d say he has a good degree of empathy actually), he’s just kind of... uninterested? he won’t hate you or be nasty to you for no reason, he’s just not interested in befriending/being around you as an aspect of his life

22)   Who was their first friend? probably some of the other progeny tried to befriend him in precollege he he was Smart which is Cool but they quickly learned that vax’s idea of friendship is he will give you a quick synopsis of what he’s currently on and then go silent as he continues to work on it

23)   What is their friend group like? there are a lot of inquest underlings who try to suck up to him because he’s their boss and also a shining star virtuoso with his work................. vax remains oblivious and unpeturbed

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? yes. specifically plex. who is his best tech ops drone but plex is a... sort of pushy person wrt trying to Befriend vax and he has a very obvious crush on vax and vax is mostly oblivious to it but sometimes feels weird about plex’s sudden ‘random’ bursts of being super buddy-buddy with him. in plex’s defense a bit, plex doesn’t know how to interact with people either

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? he’s probably unintentionally driven off people by coming across as super cold... i think he feels bad if he accidentally upsets people with his demeanor but he’s not quite sure what to do about it bc he doesn’t really want to upset people but he also doesn’t want to force himself to be MegaFriendly anyway esp considering his trials with social interaction are kind of a hardwired brain thing (he’s got like... vague assorted ADHD-autistic spectrum traits)

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends?

28)   Do they share classes with good friends?

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? vax internalizes all his problems and works through them privately khgjdf he’s a weird mixture of stable and mature but sometimes unhealthy

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives? [img of vax doing vague shrugging motions here] as aloof as he is he probably at the very least appreciates that other people have interest in his work! so would be a bit sad if he didn’t have that

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? he has graduated college! he was top of the class his year at dynamics

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? i’m sure he’s had a Variety of teachers but most of his teachers probably liked him a good bit since he’s smart and yknow, Asura Be Like That... i’m sure he’s conversely had a few who butted heads with him over his philosophy on cybernetics because he has a much more open ended approach that’s a bit focused on the idea that prosthetics are body parts and people with prosthetics are Whole People not People With Additional Bits Slapped On/In and he’s very ginger with prosthetics/augments he handles and treats them like they’re the same as fleshy body parts and deserve the same delicate care despite being metal, and overall he has more of a focus on the actual people he’s working with i think, and i can see some more hardass/uptight teachers in particular not liking this because it’s kinda unasuran to more traditionalist types to have such a.. humane view on work rather than being enthused solely with your numbers and research results

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? vax is very headstrong and if you have useful advice then its useful advice but if you dont then fuck off and let him do his work how he’s determined to do it... he doesn’t goof off but he has no respect for authority if authority gives bad commentary

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise? top marks except for in classes where he was abrasive with the teachers who’s work ethics clashed with his but what can you do

35)   Do/Did they need extra help? nope... he probably ended up tutoring a few people actually (which probably was due to a nudge from a teacher and not.. vax’s sole volition of wanting to tutor people)

36)   What is/was their school like?

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school? i’m sure he Didn’t Get Along With some others bc he’s Weird

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? yes he’s absolutely metaphorically gone for someone’s throat because they had the audacity to challenge him on something that they were both wrong about and not as passionate about as him

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? i’m sure he has but i can’t rlly think of anything (boring answer srry)

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back?

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? i already kinda answered this but he’s not partic romantically involved... however i think if he found someone he was In Sync With and who understood his mannerisms then he’d be very content with them... i think he would need a stable easygoing relationship based on shared interests and just casually fitting together and supporting each other rather than anything passionately heated or overly focused on traditional displays of affection

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? he’s a big nerd who collects various prosthetics/augment models and he absolutely doesn’t keep it a secret...................... 75% of the RP i’m in with him rn has been him geeking out over augs. the other 25% was me describing the facility.

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? i think he’s more overall focused on the idea of a continuous stream of improvement over a few static goals? he’s constantly laying out new traintracks in front of himself to steam ahead on... he’d like to be happy and successful at what he does, ultimately, and really attain super advanced inventions

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? despite everything i’ve said here about him being a good empathetic guy, he is Inquest........ the inquest funds his research he does at their labs and they pay him for being the sigma-five supervisor

45)   Do they use social media? i can’t see him using social media much tbh... he might be into podcasts and asuran youtube a bit

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital? due to his strength issues and some stuff that happened as a very small child he has been quite a bit yes

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? this is a weird question in the context of gw2 which has canon ghosts whoops.. im gonna interpret it as ‘are they superstitious’... vax isnt superstitious and i think he’d be very brave facing questionably supernatural forces but in a sort of logical way uh... he would Not be the first to die in a horror movie.... he’s a skeptic of non-scientific magic things with i think some lingering internal paranoia.. he’s a very logical person

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? broods in private probably....... depending on what he’s heated about he might go sit by himself for awhile or he’s gonna take his anger out while working on a project

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? i think he tries to be a good person but he’s skeptical of that Status a lot and worries over it a good bit... again, typical inquest!

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) all of my ocs have parts of me in them to some degree, i think vax carries some things related to my disabilities, interpersonal and moralistic struggles, and the nerdy passion over my special interests

[ganymedesclock]

I think you're too reductive in your defence of Iverson. You treat his lecture as an isolated incident. However it's pretty heavily implied, if not outright stated, that Lance getting shit for being Great Pilot Keith's replacement was something he had to deal with on the regular at the Garrison. Lance is sensitive, but he's not the type of person to develop a complex off of literally one incident. And as a pattern of behaviour, what Iverson did was totally uncalled for. (1/2)

(2/2) Do I think Iverson was a demon out to ruin precious baby Lance's life? No. He probably wasn't thinking at all, except that he was frustrated over losing his prodigies Shiro and Keith. But that doesn't make attacking someone like that productive. The Garrison is a school, not a boot camp, and a competent teacher would know his students' limits better than that.

And I would argue that you’re being quite reductive here, on many grounds: assuming that Lance’s insecurity, for example, is something he specifically developed from Iverson and nothing else in his life.

Lance comes from a big, loving, seemingly highly supportive family but especially if he’s a middle child it’s quite possible that Lance has felt outshined. That he needs to prove himself somehow. That love is sometimes something he has to reach for or try to get attention because his adoring parents who mean so much to him also have a lot of other kids making bids on their attention.

Spoken personally, as someone who sees a lot of myself in Lance, especially that sense of insecurity, that’s a strange weed that can sprout up even in wonderful family environments that you wouldn’t think would create something like that. Lance might’ve been a really talented and praised person as a child but now, older, feels like he’s lost that somewhere along the way. He might be quite intelligent but has been held back by things- we don’t know how and when he developed the ability to speak English and while he has impressive fluency now, he might not always have. 

He might have something like dyslexia or ADHD or, hell, both. With or without those factors, we know that he does slip words (“That’s one thousand plus ten” when he meant to say times, and s2e5 seemingly missing the word “hypothesis”) and tends to react defensively when called on it. If Lance has had any kind of academic struggles, especially if it’s something that might be considered obvious or easy- you have a perfect recipe for a thread of defensiveness and insecurity. Which he shows. 

I do think Iverson played a part in it, and, I do not think it was an isolated incident. Heck, I’d actually fight the insinuation that Iverson was just frustrated that his golden boys didn’t pan out- because he didn’t “lose” Shiro, as far as he knows Shiro went out in a catastrophic accident and they’re unable to retrieve his body. Consider how real-world astronaut deaths are often handled- how much they’re remembered. Remember Iverson was one of the people personally in the tent talking to Shiro trying to see how lucid he was.

I think that both Lance and Keith suffered, in part, because Iverson was driving people as hard as he possibly could as his own piece of unhealthy grief over Kerberos. Our first warning Pidge had an emotional tie to it was the way that she exploded when Iverson brought it up but, while Lance immediately distracted him- Iverson blew up right back. Heck, the fact that Lance immediately tried to derail that conversation would suggest that Kerberos isn’t just a sore topic for Pidge- but it’s a sore topic for Iverson even if he brings it up. 

Which would suggest kind of an interesting tangle of sentiments going on there- and, yeah, Iverson carries himself like someone who has military history. I would not be surprised at all if he has some warped ideas about strength and perfection and “tough love”. Clearly, he’s not right about everything and a perfectly justified authority figure- if he was, Keith would not have exploded in a way heavily implied to have been personal to Iverson.

See, Keith- we know him. Keith tends to explode either related to his trauma, or because of something he’s been stewing over for a long time. Losing Shiro alone would not turn Keith into a powder keg- someone had to have mashed his buttons first, and we don’t know it was Iverson, but Iverson’s kind of trying to deal with Kerberos by punching himself repeatedly in the wound and taking his students along for the ride. 

It feels like the attitude he’s taken is that Kerberos was a failure in discipline, but not that it was Shiro’s fault, but, his own, for not suitably drilling out those “mental mistakes” so now he doesn’t want to take anything but perfection- and if they crack under the pressure then, well, good thing he got them out of the program, that kind of thing would’ve gotten them killed out there.

My point was never that Iverson’s done no harm. My point was that Iverson is probably not exclusively responsible for ruining Lance’s life, and he is not Lance’s personal demon. If nothing else, Iverson does not plain have the personal time to single out one student out of a fairly large facility and decide he’s going to give them hell.

Is he a contributing factor? Oh hell yes, but what we have here is a largely reasonable person trying to do good with as little information as he has, and he’s pretty dang clearly not entirely wrong, because, again, one of the writers personally attached his surname onto this character. I doubt they’d do that for, say, Zarkon.

My point is, Iverson is no more evil than Allura turning a cold shoulder on Keith late in season 2. Feelings were hurt. I do not say that lightly- Iverson was an instructor with a clear position of authority and made himself someone Lance did not feel comfortable directly contradicting or leaving to chew out Pidge. Clearly, Lance’s relationship with Iverson as an authority figure is much worse than his relationship with, say, Shiro.

But deciding, with as relatively little as we know about Lance, that Iverson is singlehandedly responsible for Lance’s insecurity, is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. Because I’ll agree with you, I don’t think that came from an isolated incident, and I really, really doubt Lance has been at the Garrison long enough for Iverson to have a formative influence on his personality. I think the insecurity was there. I just think Iverson was bad for it.

If a character has a problem, especially if it’s their main problem, it probably does not have a singular root cause. Lance probably does not have deep-held personal insecurity because in space school one guy yelled at him a lot. Iverson’s not the only teacher, and in other areas, Lance is not particularly afraid to potentially draw his ire. Heck, Lance’s initial messing around in the simulator was done under Iverson’s eye.

This does not tell us Iverson is someone Lance dreads ever encountering.

It’s also quite a reach to assume that somehow despite not knowing 90% of Lance’s pre-Garrison life except that he’s from Cuba, has a big family, a good relationship with his mom, and seems to love water, clearly the only possible thing that could’ve made Lance insecure is Iverson. It had to be all his fault.

This is what I mean by scapegoating issues. Especially because, as I mention, I recognize a lot of Lance’s insecurity in myself, and, in my case? I never knew an Iverson for any long stretch of my life. Lance did, and it sure didn’t do his existing issues any favor, but- Iverson was a contributing factor, not the disease.

TL;DR: Iverson is a flawed person who was not a saint to Lance. He is allowed to be flawed without being personally responsible for Lance’s issues, because that narrative sets it up that Lance was a Defenseless Victim Of A Mean Person rather than... that Lance could possibly have elements of his situation and life that could shape him towards being the person he was at the beginning of the show.

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Robin Lord Taylor and Adventures in Internalized Homophobia

Alrighty, SO... RLT has said some controversial things in his latest Gotham interview. Some things that make me REALLY sad, but are honestly not surprising with his track record thus far. He’s always had a... complicated relationship with Oswald in interviews, which is REALLY sad, because he clearly loves Oswald, but he won’t let himself admit that on camera out of character for a lot of reasons, the biggest of which, I would argue, is internalized homophobia. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

If you haven’t seen the interview, I invite you to watch it HERE and draw your own conclusions! I know there’s been a lot of really negative reactions to it, so I do caution you all about that, as Robin pretty much gaslights Oswald which is... ridiculous and harmful on so many levels. I personally think he spoke without thinking, but that does little to mitigate any emotional reaction you might have.

Anyway, this post here is to try to unpack what he said. I will say, upfront, I am not a survivor of abuse so I did not come to this with that lens. So what I say is not from personal experience, only my reading of what Robin said and my best guesses at why. I hope that I provide some clarity to people who were left hurt or confused by what he said, but I do call it guesses. I’m not Robin, I can’t tell you what he was really thinking. So, knowing all of that, we proceed...

I was not seeing a LOT of coherent unity here, which makes me question a lot of things. Robin clearly has intense sympathy for Oswald, which is UNDERSTANDABLE, actors normally do love their own characters, that's a thing. And he doesn't unpack that, neither does he take time pointing out Oswald, you know, is a borderline-sadistic murderer with manic tendencies, doesn't unpack any of that. He describes Oswald as 'fractured', which is fairly accurate, but that doesn't make him unlovable or incapable of love, which is the whole problem.

He just flat out said that Oswald's confused about what he feels for Ed and... honestly that's not even true! Like, however Robin feels, THAT'S NOT WHAT THE SCRIPT SAID. Both Oswald's words and actions in relation to Ed read love, so... sorry, Robin, sorry, but you're just flat out wrong on this.

I could see that he thinks Oswald has jumped into a relationship with Ed too quickly, that he bounces erratically from grief to love, but... like, first of all, that's just Oswald 100% of the time, that's just him, so this erratic move is not in any way out of character or even unhealthy, given the grand scope of his character. And, number two, I can't really buy that, since it's almost a complete season for Oswald to admit his feelings. Yes, his crush on Ed starts brewing after the terrible loss of his mother. But again, Oswald doesn't express or act on these feelings until WELL after.

Robin could be talking about how Ed has not expressed any kind of consent to this relationship, but he doesn't say that in so many words, and that's also kinda getting the cart before the horse. Like... Oswald is allowed to have emotions and admit those emotions, how ever Ed reacts to them. Oswald's emotions are valid, even in love, especially in love.

And, you know, that's the whole problem, Robin invalidates love. Which is REALLY weird considering he hasn't invalidated any of Oswald's other emotions, many of which are a LOT less healthy than love. He couches it in terms that he thinks Oswald specifically is not capable of love right now, in this relativistic moment, but even taking it that way, it isn't true, it just isn't true. In the script, on the show, Oswald is shown to perform love, and I don't mean just with Ed.

Oswald is, except in his episodes of manic violence, actually a very respectful, rational, and even generous person. Like... legit. So you're just plain wrong if you think Oswald in some way can't love because he's too hurt or whatever. And, again, I definitely believe that Oswald IS hurt, he's been through trauma, but that doesn't make you less human, less capable of love.

And, again, that's confusing because at the top of the show Robin calls him VERY human, and then seems to walk that back. And I can't tell if that's internalized homophobia, if he's afraid that Oswald is a 'bad' queer representative, so he doesn't want Oswald seen that way.

Or if he's afraid of Ed and Oswald's relationship being construed as abusive, which it isn't, unless you're using VERY stark and unyielding measures. Because, like, yes, Oswald DID murder Ed's girlfriend out of jealousy. Traditionally, that's an abusive, even stalker-ish behavior. BUT, that's using real world values, this is a comic book show. Real world values are suspended; we romanticize, we exaggerate. And secondly, and more importantly narratively speaking, Oswald's going to get to pay his fucking due for it, he's NOT going to get away with it, not in terms of his relationship with Ed, or in terms of the law, possibly. He'll be held accountable, at the very least by Ed, which is all we really care about, narratively speaking. Heck, Oswald will even hold himself accountable because he will feel guilt, not over her death, but because he made Ed upset. And I need to emphasis that ‘guilt’ and ‘consequence’ are features not found in abuse.

Like, this is one of the differences between 50 Shades and Hannibal. Allow me to explain: in 50 Shades, Christian Grey is not held accountable for his MYRIAD abuses. THAT is trash, THAT is reinforcing abuse, it's awful and terrible and no one should find it sexy. In Hannibal, HANNIBAL IS HELD FUCKING ACCOUNTABLE. No one treats Hannibal as a hero or a safe individual NOT EVEN for a second because, you know, he's a living monster. He gets to face direct consequences for his actions.That doesn't make what he does right, not at all, but it does mean that there is a social and narrative weight to what he does, it matters. It means that even though we're showing these terrible things, we are acknowledging that they are terrible.

And like... that's how fucking story-telling works, you can't HAVE people who never do anything wrong ever, that's not a story. People make mistakes, people are bad, people do messed up things, so give them consequence, unpack that shit.

So, if Robin was implying Oswald was abusive, even unintentionally, he's wrong, because Oswald faces consequence and experiences guilt. He is not a monster, neither is he AT ALL abusive, like... I cannot at all stand by that.

Anyway... yeah, I just find his comments really puzzling, they make no sense. It is possible, it's really possible, that Robin fears or sees something in Oswald's attachment to Ed that he believes is suspect, I just can't for the life of me figure out what it is. Oswald lets him fucking go, man, Oswald, at every turn has treated Ed with respect to his autonomy. Even when ED doesn't. And that’s a really good example, maybe even the BEST example, of what Oswald feeling being love and not abusive possession because he lets Ed go. An abuser wouldn’t, an abuser would make Ed stay, they’d refuse and deny Ed’s decision. No, Oswald lets him go, without even a fight! You look me in the eye and tell me that’s not love.

So what does this all amount to? I think Robin seems very wary of loving Oswald too much, which is a real shame. There's a lot to love about Oswald and it's his retractions that are the most damaging and worrying. You could do a LOT with supporting Oswald, it's very easy to say 'I love him, he fucked up here, here, and here, but I love him anyway and in these other ways he's a good person!' I mean... it's not that hard to do.

BUT, you have to have this self-assurance that it doesn't reflect badly on YOU to say that. I think it may not even be about Oswald, I think Robin might be scared of being perceived as 'the wrong kind of gay’ or being too opinionated or too open or those things. That would make a loooooot of sense to me, that he takes out self-doubt and fear of social reprisals on poor Oswald. And that's legit! Like, totally valid that he reacts that way, it's just such a shame that he doesn't feel more confident or safe to say what he really feels.

So this points strongly to internalized homophobia and, guys, especially with the way Robin handles this, his reactions to being questioned on his own character are legit and valid, problematic as they are. Wherever he is in his life, this is how he feels now and he’s doing the best he can. I just don’t want to make this a criticism of Robin or an invitation to gang up on him because DUDE NO. Dude, he... he hasn’t unpacked this, there’s stuff going on here that Robin isn’t comfortable with or not yet equipped to talk about on air which is VALID and we can’t force him into it. It’s a terrible, terrible shame that this comes at the cost of destroying Oswald and injuring quite a few fans in the process, but I guarantee that wasn’t his intention and he wasn’t even aware he was doing it. He did not think at all about what he just said because it was a homophobic reaction. And internalized homophobia would explain why he's blind to the inconsistency in his own statements, how he can sympathize with Oswald so much but then is so desperate to paint Oswald as inhuman in this one very specific way.

For me, personally, it just feels really dishonest. :/ the whole thing, it feels disingenuous to do this to Oswald, to say that he doesn't feel love, that's... so wrong, so completely, flat out wrong. It's a betrayal, it's a betrayal to Robin’s own portrayal of him. I mean... what the hell do you mean bro? I really wish he had it in him to say 'Look, Oswald's a terrible person, but he's in love with Ed' because THE TWO ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. That is a legit real life rule! Even murderers can and do love! It's a thing! Even the real life ones!

And, I hate to keep comparing, but... in a SIGNIFICANTLY more problematic show, Hannibal, neither the writers nor the actors, have ever minced words saying 'Hannibal is in love with Will.' Literally the ENTIRE CAST has said it, it was said on the show, and, to be quite honest, there's a LOT more room to argue that THAT SHIT is abuse. Much more than Nygmobblepot could EVER hope to be. And yet, we said love, we said a MONSTER, LITERAL MONSTER HANNIBAL LECTER is capable of love. And that is controversial to say! Because, again, actual monster.

Oswald is not a monster, it is NOT actually controversial to say he can love. It's honestly more controversial now that Robin’s denying it, you're hurting us man, you're hurting us. Robin's making this harder than it needs to be. Because no one is prompting him to walk back Oswald or his feelings about Oswald. He’s doing it from his own compulsion, which SERIOUSLY points towards internalized homophobia. Which is DESPERATELY sad, but we need to admit that that’s something anyone can have, including out gay men.

This whole thing makes me very, very sad, but I truly believe Robin didn’t mean it and doesn’t even recognize his own inconsistencies because he was speaking from paranoia fueled by homophobia. I can’t believe he means Oswald isn’t capable of love, and yet continues to play Oswald the way he plays him, that’s just... impossible, no actor can believe their character is that monstrous and deliver that genuine a performance. I don’t think he believes that Oswald is ‘too broken to love’ and I don’t think Robin meant that broken people can’t love. He was twisting himself out of having to admit that a gay and morally questionable man was in love with another man. And, to be fair, that’s a lot of controversy to hold at once and if you’re in any way afraid of social consequences, which Robin has EVERY RIGHT to be afraid of, then you might avoid taking on that responsibility. And that is fair and we have to respect him and his decisions on that. It, unfortunately, has a lot of repercussions Robin did not foresee, but it would not be fair of us either to invalidate Robin’s emotions or expect more of him than he can provide. He has to unpack his feelings about society and queerness in his own time, we can’t force that on him. 

Anyway, to sum up: Robin said some inaccurate and inconsistent things about Oswald that were VERY probably motivated out of internalized homophobia. I think that’s sad, it’s sad for me that he feels this scared, although I can totally understand it, and it’s sad for me that he’s inadvertently hamstrung a powerful, POSITIVE I would say, character by making us all feel weird about Oswald’s sexuality and romantic attachments, when in reality that was a non-issue. It was NOT a non-issue for Robin, which is fair. But it’s unfortunate that now we have a public issue about it when the show was not making one, the show has deliberately steered away from homophobia as the main problem in the Nygmobblepot relationship and now, unfortunately, homophobia is something we have to deal with because representing a character who is both gay and a bad person is REALLY hard and it’s really hard not to vilify his sexuality during that. I will say that as far as I can tell the show has written Oswald’s sexuality as wholly separate and unrelated to Oswald’s morally grey decisions, but... Robin’s conflated them and he’s probably not the only one. Gay and evil are often read together in the same breath, unpacking that is hard, undoing that is hard and it’s small steps. Robin may have just been scared of the weight this put on him, ESPECIALLY as an out gay man. Besides which, Robin has finally broken down to say that Oswald is at least LIKABLE, he’s comfortable with the controversy of liking someone as “evil” as Oswald, so he might have buckled down twice as hard on the queerness in response to that.

Just... Oswald is capable of love, that is written into the show, it’s already done, it’s already there. So nothing Robin says about it now can change that. And I think the writers will continue that, both in terms of the ship and Oswald’s continued characterization. If Robin had any idea of the impact of his words, I don’t think he’d have phrased it this way and if he thought this would affect his portrayal of Oswald he CERTAINLY wouldn’t. He loves Oswald, but he’s threatened by a cruel and misunderstanding world that so often has used gayness alone to deny a character, not to say anything of ACTUAL PEOPLE, their basic humanity. He reacted out of fear. He didn’t mean it. I know that doesn’t change anything, but I hope it helps some people understand and maybe heal.

[throwingideasatthewall]

Clone Wars     The Mandalore Plot

             Season 2 Episode 12 

 - -    🖕     (I’m     sorry      that’s       just        for        the      morale       (Moral)         After         last    episode.     .

 Any way,  

 “15      Hundred,”

   Five         Leaders

   One    clearly     more     important,

  The   Galactic       senate       was      closer.

  Republic        Senate

  Leader

   Duchess        Saltine         .           Secretly       building         her         own       army          . . .

    Her    business.       . . .      Separatist        ...   

  She’s already       separate              ....    

    Also there’s a hologram     so it must be true             .         Never mind           Yoda’s     all powerful gossip mill ever being wrong

       Can’t            have          that              -            So they’re sending         Obi-Wan            and            Anakin              to             snoop,

          Or              just         Obi-Wan         �� *Pffft*

       Claims

        Going               to            snoop                  -           Going to get some tea          for master Yoda-                  -

     (I won’t do the standard valley girl-               Gossip clichés)

             Damn                   Aight!

              Blue                    Eyes!

              Blue                  Theme

           Snar-king

             Also is           that bitter-             ness-

         Okay.

           Big!

         (Scale                is               nice)

            Whelp,                 White

               Big                   Doors.

              Aight                  Whelp-

              Skipped                 tour

                Also,                    Painting                      Of                      Self                        ...                  Aight                       ...                    Glass                         . .                           It’s                       Glass.                        (Am                           I                        supposed                             to be                          getting                         something                             big                               and                            grand                                . .                                Or                             Holy?                                 .                                 It’s                                 the                                 same                                   as                                      any                                           big                                 building                                         ...                                      With                                  glass

...    Does     Obi-Wan      just     have          a       thing        for        glass       we      never       knew         about             ?

     Emotions          what           am               I         supposed            to            feel?

      Okay            ...         Recognized             ...           Also            who              is             this                 guy?               .                He’s               not               really             wearing              the              blue             themed                 clothes                  of                    the                guards                     ...                   and               everyone                    else                     ...                 Prime                Minister                    Alec                      ...                   Authority                  assumer                     .                     .                   Public servant

                One                     authority                     assumer                     to                      the other..

                    Also, like there’s                       anything else                          ...         Like he still a “peacekeeper”                          In his job                       description                         No?

                  They                     haven’t                     switched it                         to                     military                           yet                       (Quite)                        ...                     False                         ...                        IDK                             ...                        Yoda’s                           got                       holograms.                        ...

                       And the                           damn                         rumor mill.                          ...                      Can’t                         piss                          the                          guy                             off                             . .                       Republic                           ...                       Is this a trap?                             ...   

                     The Dutchess                          Satine values peace more than her own life.

                       But no   account       ability.

  Views

  What?

  ....

  Past?

  ?

 Okay yeah he was out of        order  

  But that immediate         sharp     response          Was      pretty      damn      harsh          ...

   Like dude sounded like he had     stabbed his toe against the table          ——         This dude took it to        murdered it’s family         ...    Why?

    Dude              ...     Assuming         a lot    of      authority         .           Over        the       tone           .

    Like      whose         family          did      Obi-Wan’s      statement           kill

     Damn         tox..       and          sharp            . . .             Severe             ...            Are            you           certain?         . . .           Damn             you            want              to          check            their            bodies...       . . .         Ser-      iously,       You’re          here          to          collect           a      statement               ...              (And           maybe           grab           some                 tea                for             Yoda...   ..

           Yeah like               dude escalated it         to a whole new level                  ...                    But you          are not helping                    ...               Mandalorian                armor                 ...                Right

           -                How-

            Dude seems              ,truthful-

            Also why is dude here getting the blight           of Obi-wan’s rage.

           Well

Not exactly    formal..

  ‘Shining       Jedi      Knight’

    What?

       ‘Again’

Should- I recognize this       person

   I     Distinct  

            Also did they send someone with the                baggage?

              After all these years you’re more beautiful than ever

              There was no emotion   in that line

             Flat

But then    again    maybe     he’s   moved      on          ...     Is         a      knight

...

 No     Attach      ment-

 Accuses

 Treachery

 It’s not     treachery     it’s-    leaving    neutrality-

  But   yeah      he      is a       gosp.

  Also yeah we just switched towns from a     unprofessional       to   professional       (Narc        Terms)

  Okay

   One     dude

  Why?

    He         had     emotion          ...     For             a       moment            ...   

   Aight

   Okay..

  Right...

   —-  Right

 “Violence,”

   Claiming authority      over a whole lot of people       ...

 Dark        ...      Commandos    

 He couldn’t have possibly been one guy

  Jedi       .

  Everyone-

     People         AUTHORITY

 .        trust worthy

 .    I know we sound defensive.

 What?

  No-

  Okay,    seriously,    what          is        with         the        tone     ...

Like yeah the dude was   sharp       ...

    But        not         in         a      defensive         way...

        In a             Whoa             WTF             Dude,             Where               Did               that            come             from-

          On the               Whoa            someone’s                not                    in a good mood

              Nothing                  defensive

              Dutchess                     flips on a                    dime                               .                       But that’s on a                    snark                      to                   professional                     Scale                        ...                      Only person acting sus is that dude that has no reason to be here and we have no idea what he’s doing

                     And I’m kind of worried that’s because the authors                        forgot to act-                         ually put anyone acting sus

                       So just had dude say it

                         Like yeah it’s obviously him that caused the problem

                          She has a valid point

They are       100%    snoops;

   And        if you didn’t want him here      why did you allow him.

     But mostly I’m on Obi-Wan        who they continue to treat           as a kicked puppy            ...

Like no   he was fine.  till a few minutes ago

  And is   equally guilty      (Particularly        of the things     he’s accusing him of)

  And the tone      suddenly       changed           To a smaller         Quasi-one for him

       He isn’t innocent

        And I don’t know why this keeps happening            to the Male characters

          When   an actual point is brought up against         them

 But like he was fine taking    pot shots        At       Dude,

    Now there’s suddenly         accountability

        The HECK,              Writers,

       Oh god,

       This is          turning            Boomer               -     And the mandate   dictating you learn   the baggage of the past      (Because dear frick    If the past       Fixed        The          Past,        Absurd)

  And not like the present      would be non-tox     enough not to start shit

 ...

   There seems to be a clear imbalance between       How the male characters are written and how the female characters are written

                                                                                                            Note; I                                                                                                                don’t                                                                                                                 give                                                                                                                      a                                                                                                                  fluff                                                                                                                   for                                                                                                                gender                                                                                                              Just                                                                                                         that                                                                                                          there’s                                                                                                            a                                                                                                       clear                                                                                                       dip                                                                                                     In quality                                                                                                     emotion

                                                                                                    When                                                                                                         one                                                                                                             it                                                                                                        identifies                                                                                                            as                                                                                                         such                                                                                                            Is                                                                                                          on                                                                                                      -screen                                                                                                          . .  .

We   have   three    main    female   characters;

  Padme; Who is       characterized           as          a       shrew        (Fine         you       can      cover        to        toxic      Relation     ships)

Ahsoka;        A child     who acts      far beyond        her age           (Unchildlike           Mature)           And             is           held          to       unfair  accountability         by        the     narrative        (And assuming           Anakin is an adult              This is only a problem        with the female characters               Barisse,               Quickly               Suffer-              Ing               Similar...

          But             not         anyone               else              (The               two              other                un-gender              ed          Padawans            React              Ing              In            Properly            Ordered                Fear              (About)

       Now Saltine            Characterized                Well                 Her              actions             pro-claim                  her                   A                  pretty                  fair                  Leader                     (If                snippish)                     Which                    is                    fine                     if                      you                 want                     to                   write                  about                    (Tox                       Ic                      And                  enabling                 relationships)                   -                  The                   issue.                    -                    is                  the                 way                    -                    The                  male                  leads                      Are                     portrayed..

  Look at this;

 What emotion is it trying to portray?

   Anger?          Jealousy?

   Heartbreak

    Innocence..      Is the only valid       answer I could         Come up        with..

    When I call it, 

                         - “ A kicked                              puppy dog look,”

       I mean;

                       “Lowering the standards to animalistic                                  To avoid accountability,”

                         It’s                         Cheating

                        If it was hurt,                            the irises                              Would                             Be                             Dilated                         Narrow-ed

                           Lip straight

                           This doesn’t   portray any human emotion

                           It’s cheating

                         -Good thing- I won’t ever have to worry about holding                             Obi-Wan or any of the others accountable                             -With puppy dog-                                          And it never happens with any of the                              female characters

                           Always 100%                               accountable

                           Even when                          they shouldn’t be. .

                                                                                              - Amidala,                                                                                                    Saltine                                                                                                       And                                                                                                    Ahsoka                                                                                                         are                                                                                                  characterized                                                                                                          as                                                                                                     shrew,                                                                                                   unreasonable                                                                                                   (Kicker                                                                                                        of                                                                                                     puppies)                                                                                                         And                                                                                                abomination

                                                                                                   While                                                                                                        our                                                                                                      (main)                                                                                                            male                                                                                                   characters                                                                                                           ...                                                                                                     Nothing                                                                                                              .                                                                                                         The                                                                                     second consequence                                                                                                       comes a knocking                                                                                     The puppy                                                                                                           Dog                                                                                                             eyes                                                                                                            - -                                                                                                           Come                                                                                                               Out-

                                    [Which is unfair                                       To characters of any                                        Ident-ification-

 ——

                           That’s enough about the                                  character rants                               Back to the                                 story

Aight

 Seriously,       What?

  [I know     that’s like being threatened by the army..”]. 

  But,       dude’s reaction was tame..  ...

  Layout keeps    changing        .       [Not a       consistency issue,          Just a        confusion one,]   

      -

     Okay          -         No        Emotion           -          Forced

           ???  

     Prospere

        Also that was a            tonal          change             ...       

       Whoa                ...

      Where            did         these        emotions         suddenly           come            from??

         Group              Death               watch

Great

           Tox               inside            enabling                 ...             Re-negades                  Hey plot relevan   -ce 

             Violence                     —                  War

              Tox

The very   definition        of      tox

             Great

               Oh you’re                 going to solve it                 with violence..

               Aight..

                Work-                       Ing-

               Criminals

                  On                      going                invest-igation                                       -                    Wide-spread                           Small

              She clearly noted it was            small..

              Move-ment

              Exact-ly

              Hooligans

              Vandalize

                Aight,                   Adults,

                Nothing                     More

-

               Cus-tody    

                Con-cord     -ia  Dude      stop      being        a        doubting        asshole        .

Thank God cut away from this unhealthy-

  Anyway,        It cuts      to what is assumed to be the moon.

   Al right just a     small camp

      If the            tox          people           want                 to        quarantine        themselves             . . .          O-kay             . . .              Well-

       Jedi

       Upset

You decide        The people         you        Inter-act          With              (And          tolerate        presence           of )

     Support              the           Death           Watch                  .           Your            small          club               .....       house             Isn’t             that              much              Of               a          concern              to             him              .  . .               And            clearly           wasn’t             serious                   .     .                    Duchess                Saltine.                   . .                   Peace                 -loving                   - -                   TOO                  subtle.                       .                     (She’s                        still                        an                      enabler)

                    So I                       wouldn’t                          get                           too                       wo-   rried                    

                  And

               “Promise,”

No he     doesn’t                                       . . .    this     seems    pretty   particularly      a     “screw        you      move”-     Sit        Ua-   tion        -       How-

  Yeah this is a pretty           “screw you” situation  

  Take        Over

 Whelp.

  That’s          Am-    bitious.

    Once the senate

     Mandalore

 Look,  that’s unlikely

  Like      she didn’t just explain yeah it’s nothing    don’t worry about it       . . .

   Like unless you watch something      go down    right in front of you.

  That’s it        —

   The “guy who caused the problem, is dead

   You’ve been given advanced warning about a group

   No reason to       escalate

    Military          Pr         esence

    Unlike the usual assumed authority they           are surrounded with,

     This will 

    piss them off.

    Most          Dis         tast          ful

    dude’s really assuming the worst but then again that’s the Dark side’s MO

       Death              Watch

   This is really some conspiracy          theory territory.

    Urgh, this plan        really sucks.

     Death         Watch

     Well it’s small, they have  armed guards...

       Gonna go with            no

       Back here

     Peace-keeper-

    Sure

     Front lines

              Of conflict

     Yeah,         As in they caused it by      assuming authority            Inst-      -           A job he had no authority to do and basically covers all peaceful resolution           -            Insinuating all the rest of humanity is savages ready to tear themselves apart, and only this dude’s influence - stops the 

      You know- they could study    peace instead.        Write       articles about it,          Do           Works.           Like you don’t need to start a war...          Or assume authority..

          To enjoy peace

           And to              keep it

 If it can be done with suffering,      it could be done very easily without,

             The work              of a peacekeeper is to make sure conflict                  does not                   arise

       No that’s extreme-      Authority           Assumption

     If someone’s going to be a      douche        bag,

     A peacekeeper          (Accountable)           As someone who doesn’t        enable bad behavior              (When it is enacted          against them,)

       And holds      them selves          Acco       untable,

    Desc-ription

And   your’s       is.    . . .   Seriously both these two have a pretty...  negative view of the world.       Both operating         under a similar; Must      control the world,                 Otherwise      every-thing      will fall apart-        -          Though         Obi-wan            Has              A           Point;            In            the          fact            that            his            Is           a        slightly          more         Per-son       al-        I must     do my part         to protect          the world,         While            Salt           -ine-               “I        must           get          others            to           pro     tect           Others           They         still draw       (erroneous)        blanks                At              the          “Anyone           needs           saving           from          anyone”              . . . .           Thing-   

      Realism         doesn’t         mean         terrible            . . .              (If anything it means having pride in                      your humanity                    and what it has                    accomplished).                              It’s the very   model.. of a good thing.                              If you’re   not   toxic)

                            Ideals       . . .   “Abandon”          -           ?

   Response

   Political     convenience         . ..         More specifically the        convenience... of self-destructive.. tendencies

       Whelp

       What         The            Frick?

When did    this happen?

  Seriously leaving       unwanton anything should’ve been a warning sign.                       ...    How     did   no one     notice       the apparent-        Un-       Wanted         -        Addi-tion?               -                 Okay

Well hope you have a good       enable healers on staff.

    Or maybe just        healers..

    Depending      on the    awareness           -         Okay

   Smoke

 Hool        igans.

  Yeah they could’ve

  (And we’re probably- going to discover that they did          through very complicated means.

   Like seriously Obi-Wan    jumping to    con clusions-

   Like five people got slightly inconvenienced

Are we sure         it is in a smoke bomb?

  Because that    seems pretty      likely

   Considering we haven’t seen any   damages so far.   

   And no one looks dead

    Also I guess    it’s time to act like a reasonable adult and let      Saltine handle her own problems.

    Off-world              Er

       So the   Separ   atists.

   Are you sure of that

  You’re the one that brought up that it couldn’t be      “Deathwatch”

  Stop bla-

  Eat shit Obi-Wan

   You were wrong

    Okay, time to be an authority assumer and launch an attack on those assholes

   (What?)

  She’s        overall peace

  She was planning...on     bringing those guys in anyway

 Hit     them. .       Hard.        This goes far beyond   vandalism..

   Then show the actual     dead..

    Because all     we saw..

    Was a smoke bomb                 and these guys coughing

     That’s pretty damn     -close to vandalism

          Next to     lighting firecrackers..

          In the park. .      .  

         Political            statement              against            your        government                  Oh          No,

       (Is that supposed to be            threatening?)

       Seriously all they did was throw   a smoke bomb        and heck off

        You

     Don’t act        surprised.

    Palace  

    Here   

             (Oh no                   they might throw another                  smoke bomb?)

               You’re just gonna let     him,

             Like he has a   point

          [But still the      intensity is way too high for what they’ve shown,]

         Oh               no,              Smoke,

      Inter-view

         What the heck    who gave him that authority?

         Like;        He’s just some random        Senate peacekeeper

    That’s...like

      No,

   Also yet no one needs medical attention       so just stay right there

    Dude couldn’t      have possibly been injured in the attack

    Or fled the scene

    Or activated whatever it was with                               remote detonation

   And also it’s up-to the apparently neutral peacekeeper          instead of any local authority

                                                                         Like your job is to dispense                                                                               food and                                                                      make sure everyone’s                                                                              ok

And yeah their military     and  “peacekeeping”          Sections are      Com-      bin         Ed         (And I’ll admit     I don’t know much        About     assumed authority        Lines)

                            But pretty sure                                  that’s like a                                 dude in                                   military uniform                                        (Out of                                        Country)                                       Yelling that he wants to                                      question people.                                       (Like you don’t have the authority                                           to do that)

                                      And is a pretty good way to get a rock                                      chucked at your head.

                                     Make sure everyone is okay,

                                      Then what about selective immediate accountability thing going on here can happen                                            (Appease                                                Logic,)                                           Scene

Dude’s the guards just freaking, bowed to him

I don’t   think-       Police        National     En-for       cers       -      Are usually     so kind

  To extra-     Ven           Ous         Forces         In-          ter           Ven-          Ing-          -        Like this was exactly what     Saltine was talking about              . .       Overextension         of authoritative            power

       (Not acco-untability   just what’s happening)

       .

      What?

      Was that the carrier?

      Who?

     You there

     Dude, that’s a normal reaction to a   military professional           Claiming       bullshit power,  

      Dude could’ve probably mistaken you for the             terrorists..

         Aight,              Right,

         Also       an attack just happened,

        (Yeah       it’s a little delayed          but he could’ve just         gotten news)

        Okay

        Talk

  Dude, the dude just saw an attack, saw an individual standing over the body of their leader (armed     Jedi-        Or          Sith)            I said person claiming to      “stay there”,                                              I’m not saying what   he’s doing is right,         But you’re having        a damn unsympathetic-   React-

    Older           Gentle-             Men-  

     (You know   I’m surprise no one blames Obi-Wan,            After             all,                   He’s the one that        lead her out here,

       Would’ve made sense for the         carrier           Guy,          The one that was acting        sus,  to be the      per-petrator

 (And he would have the knowledge to       frame Obi-Wan)

   That    would’ve been nice,

   Hurt you

    You didn’t

(Ergh)

    Seriously your leader was just-

     No one wanted to take her to a healer?

      After?

       (Like she didn’t want to get the       smoke inhalation thing checked out either?)

       Fair                     (But kinda of stupid)

      Yeet

      Frick

     Movie,          You- did not        earn the tone        to make that         work

   Seriously dude could be saying         “I won’t work with a terrorist,”           -    Also wow a     cult full of old people

  Real            .        intimidating

   Well time together of the guards          hold a funeral for that guy                   (Standard                Prac               -tice)                  And go kick that moon base.

        No- reas-

        He died

       Yeah,          Sucked

But a) don’t make buildings that tall         And           b) he did that           -            Damn             -          Aight            -          Re-            action           -            Why             -             Whelp

       Ahh,           No,

       He was all splayed out

      There’s         nothing dignified about the        position

        Nv

       ...         Emotions               Seriously      what am I supposed to feel.

      Why is there holy music playing in the background?

       Also          no one wants to get a healer?

      Like I know he fell           But seriously, 

      Not even gonna try

   (Like     I know I’m harsh,         But even         I would try..

        Do          Some-      thing       What-

    Why-

   Also Obi-won        is this the time?

    Whelp.

  Com-cord-ia

     Seriously, and that’s not just do you know a     coi-ncidence-

     Our moon

    But what did he actually say?

     [Because if it’s      ‘I thought he was a terrorist’,           Then          fair,]

      Body

     Escort

     Seriously are we not     covering what he said?

      Like the story seems to be lam     -basting him for being Con-cord       -ian

      But I assume innocence until proven     guilty,

   .. .

 Progress

 You can’t even speak their      dia-lect

  Yeah and      I know    (body language)

 But

“Especially     when you’ve just been involved in the death of a colleague,”

   She’s got         a point?

   Seriously, ever since Obi-Wan got here there’s been nothing but destruction

   I’m surprise she didn’t kick him right there right now and      is like this is why we’re neutral

 Like      this could’ve been some good story tension.             .

So what is the actual plot?

The guy who caused the incident   

is dead

The group      is extremely small  And unable    to prevent    arrest,

Cord-       Random        Couple

“I didn’t        kill   him,”

Dude,    seriously

If you were smart   you’d leave

And let Duchess handle the problem      which she was clearly doing

Before     things      went        to       very   light   shit        -      At     arrival         -        i’d        back        away           too          .       “I       Know,”

 How?

You       know what also would’ve been a good conflict?

   Duchess arriving in the    middle of it..

 Only hearing the man say          “Don’t do it,”                   And seeing him fall off..

    Obi-wan’s            “Catch,”              Gesture            ...     

    Mistaken         for             Shov           -ing               -            Duchess           not          seeing           his           face            ——          Showing              the             flaws                 of              her           assumed                guilty                  -                Mind                 Set-

           And               make                 for             some               good          emotional              tension                 -               Instead-

        Why I’m       still talking to you

        Despite having nothing to go on besides faith which seems beyond my general     compr-       ehensive      philos-       ophy           -

   (Con      sist      ent- characterization          what’s             that?

-Normally   I don’t work on the         rag on the         chara-     cterization       because         yeah        adults         can change what they do

  (but I do think it-     could be a bit more knowable        -       The changes seem to happen randomly          - and with little sentiment   connection        -        Or         type          Of       Pre         amble,

    Don’t        get               me       wrong             -             It           does            happen                 -             Rarely               -              I          just           think           it         could              be             done              with                 a              bit              more           delicacy               and           consistency                   -                  And               Care                  -                 What                   is                 that                reaction                      -                   What?

            Okay..

            Alright,                 What?

            Why?

            Okay

            That’s              happen                      -                    Ing

             First

            Right

            Okay..

             Least   they brought             a guard..

        Aight,            Okay,

    Con-cord

       That’s-               a different look

        Not                Gonna-             Com                pare-

        Agricultural

        Wait is that a different planet?

         -

         What?

      Mining           Base

       Yeah let’s   fuck with Mother Earth

  /Con- cord

    That can’t      possibly go         wrong                     -            Forests

       Oh,            yeah

       Dear           Frick

         -

      Finally growing   back-

     So you    stopped with that?

   (No burning pollutants             in the air?)

        Okay,                Well

            A more      well-established            palace than hers.

Which just saw a door        and then there was an even a smaller door

        And glass..

Appar-ently          has a thing         for glass.  

     Whelp-

     Okay- 

    Wait-

  The highly industrialized mass of cities- is the Galactic palace

   But the former mining facility is a beautiful orderly castle in the middle of a green field.

    I think someone got       the sets      messed up...

    Why?

      ?

  [This is really messed up]

  Also yeah there was some kind of   terrorism      and things got blown up...

   That’s weird..

    Council            -

     V-sla     

        Also one of your guys totally     died- 

     Members

Wouldn’t-

 [Okay,         hear me out,          I know         I’m doing       a lot of this;

    What if this conversation happened before,          In the castle;  

    To give us a list of         suspects;     And making sense;           As she is the top ruler of everything

    And then,        we broke into these little bits

      [Establish             the characters

       Then                   make them            plot point,]

                Also, this wasn’t the scene          shown earlier,          Was it?

    Separatists

      That would’ve been a          good line          earlier   

     ...

    Truth

    This was the man        who murdered

    So wait,         you did know about that?

     So why were you acting like the         Separatist claim was so out of the question?

  Correct;       Reaction            “Yes ma’am, of course ma’am             sorry about what happened,

      We-”

      Like Dude is acting pretty chill for one of his         citizens screwing someone up

      And        it’s             sus

    “Bomb,”

    So no one‘s         dead?

 Also         wait     ‘Memorial shrine,’”

     The heck           was that               never brought up?

       I thought it was just        the outside of the castle

       The dude screwed with a                     memorial ?

   Why?

        [The intensity in this            is whack..!]

   Hm.

  He was apparently part of       Death Watch     Wait,       when was that ever confirmed?

   Do          you        speak?

 A worrisome prospect

 That’s,       your reaction  

   Pardon

    What..?

   [The tone is   way off.]

  Not as in writing a     child-    like       an     adult       or   writing      an        adult       -like          a       child

    (Or        Animal)

    This is the         “What’s the emotion?,”

       There’s

Er-

   [The tone is so damn-]

   Whelp

   Aight-

  Random        Grab!

    Not         Okay!

    Words.        (Circ           um         stance-)

   Favor

  What

  Dinner

   - - -

     ?

   What?      The lip-sync’s      -  Off?

 I can’t   -tell-

   The tone is so   - distorted -

   Look     Around            Mining      facilities-

    Like        Seriously            -

   Do you     want-

   Also, he could’ve asked for a          damn tour

    [No need to do this             subterfuge.]

   Seriously,          Obi-Wan        is lazy         avoidant          smart,           Till it comes to      instigate            some shit

Un-      necess-        arily-

  aight... .

Oper-ational  

   [Damn      It]

     Tox

   Problems

Literally doing it

  Right now

Could, just asked for the   tour . .

Solutions

  No-

  Opposed

Well if you actually had some - character-ization

 .

Weren’t

  Tox*

|my brain’s starting to go numb 

    Why?

     [Not the brain,           The               Plot.]

      Whelp

      Right

     Also yeah, dinner after that

    Different guy?

   Dude-     Completely different    hairstyle?

Duchess

Condolence.

Retrieve

 Seriously,

  Just       Emot-        ion

 Very properly

That - looks     pretty different-

Where?

   ?

  Okay?

  Sh   adows-

 Okay cave carvings

  Right

 Aban-            On           -ed

I mean

It does

There’s stuff on it yeah

But they could take people for   tours down here  [The things samples on how it worked)

 [People do     stupid things]

  Wow

  OK so they have some helmets because it used to be a       manufacturing        plant

  Makes         Sense-

  Maybe you shouldn’t     screw with someone’s     display?

 What

  One dude  

 Great, you have one   Mandalore enthusiast

   Or a role          Actor-

  Whelp-

  Okay-

Mission

  With a light saber

   Yeah you start a talking 

  then you do the action          [if       necessary.]

   ...

Seriously      it’s one guy,

 Two?

  Okay

   ...

 Dude, Force     them.

  Obi-wan           -         

Obi-won sucks..     

...

Mis-      information

This dude’s a   dick isn’t he?

Like,          The     tone has been damn off            ...

  But this dude is supposed to be the villain   I think

(And it’s not the   carrier apparently)

Watch

Death      Watch.

Stands

Why do you care?

A person just died

And      we’re focused on this?

  Like,        Ma’am                -          Is your reputation     seriously,        The      biggest       thing       worry-           ing       you        right    now?         —-        Without         any      sardonics             -              Or        any               -  self-awareness          -       The tone  has been on the   floor since we started,

Right

Okay seriously 

that’s villain       lighting

Engineer

  How?

Also,                Some guys manage to smoke down the        outside of the palace.

   This is turning into the       intergalactic        incident?

        It            Isn’t-

      That’s a very          interpersonal matter.

And also ‘oh yeah this is gone beyond anything that I can expect but I won’t question you person who was supposed to keep track of it?

   Hmm

 Literally..

   Nothing about these        characters have been established

   Are      Satine and that dude close?

    What

  [it is a      Mess,]

Along

You

But       Is

Se-     paratists 

  Power-ful

   Don’t         Drink

Also wait   what was that logic?

   No-

  Okay,

   What?

   Jedi

  This one’s weak

  [if it was any other Jedi     these guys would be arrested 

     by        then]

   Harm- less

 I mean even      with it he was        fecking      useless..

So you’re going to call      Saltine          Now?

   Love..

   Whelp

   “Hey Satine I got my ass kicked again,”         (Why do they send him on           missions?)

       Time?

             Okay,

           Ice

         Fair,

      General

     Good,

        Right

        He clearly saw that              right?

     Al       -right

   Okay,         Now,

    Fatal-

    Why?

    Good,

      ??

     Took              ....          Dick               . .               Yet              ...

          Aight

          Nice

...

         Try                  Ing                 .. .

        Whelp

        Why?

        Look.

       Why?

       Whelp

 Obi-won is a     weak        bitch            (Term)

    Hate

    Un-

Un think the dialogue is       reversed here,

 Saltine was the one that was     heavily against             Involved           (Direct)           Approach

And the hair stroking thing 

just seems like something 

Obi-won       Would            Do...

     Killed

      This is really backwards

Obi-Wan is the one that is directly involved

Sal-tine          She’s very       sit on the sidelines     from what we seen..

       It        would        make        more                 ....

   ?

   ?

Ser-iously?

(What is going on with the        chara-             cter-             ization-       )

      Ag-

     Right-

I honestly thought that was     Rex for a minute

   Blue     ...is a theme

     ?

   Whelp

   (The        reenactors       are          getting          pretty           serious,)

     (Then again             she did        punch out)

       Jedi

      There’s two-

     Which           is two            more than           general Kenobi can handle,

    But he’s got Satine,        so that’s all right?

..

  Whelp

   Screw-

    Now         More

    Stand             and        fight

     So just          Satine.

     Stand            ...    

     You got your ass   kick-       ed

   Satine        should’ve         gotten         that line,

    Frick

   Whelp.   ..

  Heck..

     ?

   [Recap; That twist was real fucking stupid,  Obi-won gets beat up the fifth time the Remix, and does Satine get injured?

 I don’t know

  ....

   WTF!

When it’s not excusing it’s characters from   some accountability by   using cheap tactics,

    It’s tone         is a mess;

  �� The emotions          nowhere to be found

     The chara-cterization              “Off the wall”

* Not       in       a       good     way            .         I can’t honestly say            a single thing I           Le-           ar           n            ed 

    About          The         Chara-cters

     Satine? Apart from the narrative treating her like she’s completely unreasonable

      Nothing,

       I can’t say        a single thing for this character

       There’s seem to be an attempt   of banter between her and   Ken-obi

       But it’s completely               inconsistent

Honestly,    it feels like the writers     had      an      idea (Or       a line       Of       dia-       log        ue-         And        just       threw         it        in     hap     hazardly-”

Result-ing  in some (border  ling) reality breaking scenes

   Where a    character says something        happened

   Didn’t

 Which could work

 If the tone     wasn’t an absolute     MESS!

   Also the      villains

  Suffer        From       Clovis         Syn-drome

              (Or a near variant)

Because     nothing     is set up       -     The     tone   isn’t      even

   It feels like   we’re supposed to hate     this guy       Before    anything bad happens       (The same as with the      carrier-            Who             Did           Nothing)

     Screw     ing              Up             The            Story

Which is “Obi-Wan screws up        Every       -Thing         And          Lives-    -”

my thoughts on this episode;                 (In a more organized                form,)

  Is      that;

   “Obi-wan screws up everything,”        (As is my alternative       tone for this episode)

    *title

   Is a       Confused

 un- alt        ere         -d

 Mess

 Suffering;        From

   Lack of set- up, proper chara-cter-ization          Proper         Tone-       Emotion-           al        De-        vel          op          e         ment,       None           Chop-      ped,    flow-       ing          Narra-       Tive-

   And borders,        on not being able           to be         considered             a           story

    [Resemb-          Ling              Much            Of              The          “Blue         shadow           virus,”.          arc,          Except            With             -out              The         Abominations              But        More               nonsense,

[Bring back a persistent writing issue,      To refuse       to develop anything             correctly,]

Addition    Al;           A         Quick       Possible           Re-           Write        Recap;      (To wash     the bad taste    out of my mouth)

-Obi-wan             arrives           at the          Palace

   (Possibly           Soft,         Mournful               Play            Ing                 To           Indicate                        Sadness,          Loneli            ness,           Turn-             Ing             To           Harsh          -er            -Tri-            um           ph          an            t          (Pro            fes         -s        Ional          Music         [Heavy          Brass]

      The          Carrier           Greets           Ner            Vous                     ly            (Poss            Ibly             Try           -ing             To          Ex-pose             Dis        -spell-           The         Rumor      -s               (This         is his      cover)

    Poss-        Noting

    Obi-wan            meets          Sal-tine           Not-       Ic-eable               Wrist           Ful          Nes         s-

    Saltine             Is           Con-             Cern              Ed

       Snip-               Ish

        Believing            it to be        the Jedi Council.

          Dis-liking                 the               military            involvement                   in                    her country/                      Planet

             Till              Obi-wan               clarifies             that this is a             social call.                       .                  Ordered                     To                     Re-                 new                                Their                  Neu-                  trality                pledge-                    By                  Chan                   -cellor                         Palp                     atine,                The             rumors             Back               Hill,              Gossip,

          They go outside for               Saltine                  To                  Give                     A                   Public                 State                   Ment-                      That                     Goes                        Off                        —-                            (Possibly in the middle of Satine and                 Obi-Wan hav-ing                          An                        Argue-                      Ment                          Over                         Per                         form                           a                          tive                       Action                       (Neutral                          Vs                           Active                                    Phy-                        Sical)

                      That                           Occurs)

                     Obi-Wan                              is                             held                               in                            suspicion                              for                               being                               a                              military                              personal                              (                                 And the damages                         only beginning                                   when he arrived)

                                Not to     mention;

              Him being in, the hallway,                    The only one they can     place                    Where are the bomb                        was set     Things         Go   Badly

   (Possible circumstantial       Evidence,                        -Fram                  -ing

Either      way     Obi-Wan        is now     awaiting     some kind of trial

          Which                he makes it worse,

           By refusing,                 To wait,

           And trying             to find the actual                 suspect..

             He                does

              The            “Incident”                 Happens,

  And now it looks      worse than ever;

 Sateen cradling the   dying Man-d-      a-lorian

 Who        Invokes           The           Jedi            To           Blame

   Satine             Is           Up-          Set          (~Angry)

    Obi- won         Eventually            proves-        The Existence                  Of Death          Watch.                       But that       point-     It’s                      Al-ready                        Too                     Late,                  Bridges                   Burned                         In                      his                 pursuit                    for                  justice,                     Along                     with                      his                   relation                      ships                        . . .      Saltine             Taking               The               Evi                 dence            Coldly       Tell          -ing             Him               “To               Leave,”

         Victory                     At                  the                  cost                   of             everything                 dear,

[Leader               Not        Reveal        ed      Yet]

[Citi-       Zens         Pri-       Med         For          Darth         Sidious]

[Castle’s          Blue,         Fading           To           The            Neutral         Re-         flec-         tive         White)

        [Carrier               Possibly                 Hint-                  Ed                  Gone                  Often]

  [Senator           Possib           -Ly          Engaged/            Husband,               If               You                 Want            That           Drama

     Moral;            About            Mov-              Ing                On

                     [Ending                          scene                          possibly                             kept the same)

                     *To                          Foreshadow                           possible                              Anakin

                        But with a lot more weight-

               [End]