#a thing happened before i left for holidays mid-december that's had me dreading it my whole time off

[emilianadarling]

[afternoonpoppy]

Hi, long time watcher, first time asker! So I noticed that in an older work, you mentioned that Wolfram gets the hiccups any time he so much as has a drop of alcohol. So uh... I would die a very happy lady if you wrote something about Wolfram having drinks for the first time. Blushy, buzzed, cuddly, hiccupping magical boy? Uuuuughhh yes pleaaaase.

(aaaaaaa I've had this waiting in my inbox for wait too long and I'm very sorry! It took me a lot longer to get a chance to write this than I wanted to.

Not me accidentally making Allister's school and work history really relatable to my own and not me using this as an excuse to write something taking place in December because it's currently way too hot outside.)

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Allister tapped his finger against the keyboard of his laptop, staring at the screen. The math on the screen stared back at him.

"I hate this," he muttered. "Fram, I can't do math."

Wolfram, seated next to him on the couch, leaned against Allister's shoulder and looked down at the screen as well. "Did you struggle during your classes as well?"

"When I was fully conscious, yes. When I was working off of sleep deprivation, coffee, and panic on exam days, I managed pretty decent grades. Somehow."

Wolfram's expression was a mixture of disapproval and concern as he looked up at Allister.

"Hey, I don't have to do that anymore," Allister said with a shrug. Instead, he just had to suffer through the periodic online courses that fulfilled the accursed 'continuing education' his license required every couple of years. It really wasn't so bad and all the questions were multiple choice. He could always have just answered blindly until he got them correct. But Allister had been raised to be honest and to put actual effort into things. This just happened to be the sort of thing he struggled at.

He looked up at the clock that hung up on the living room wall, seeing that it read the same time as his laptop. Quarter past nine, meaning he'd been working away at these courses for the past two or so hours. Something like that, he hadn't really kept track. Allister sighed and placed his laptop onto the coffee table in front of the couch. "I think it's time for a break. Hey, a friend at work gave me a bottle of wine for the holidays. It's cheap, but why don't we have some?"

Despite it being mid-December already, Allister had to admit the house didn't give that impression. It was snowing heavily outside, sure. But inside were only a few small holly wreaths that he'd bought at a discount from the pharmacy on a whim. He hadn't actually thought to buy anything for the holiday season otherwise.

"Wine?" Wolfram seemed to think that over for a moment, then shrugged. "I suppose I'll try some."

"Oh. You haven't had wine before?" Wine and other drinks certainly seemed like a staple of fantasy worlds with magic and the like. But then again, Allister wondered if he should stop making assumptions about Wolfram's home based on YA novels.

"Not in particular, no. During my time studying, my peers occasionally invited me to join them for an evening of drinks during our own holidays or when there was something to celebrate. I preferred to stay to my studies, though."

Allister stood up from the couch, heading towards the kitchen. "So magic college had the kids who wanted to party and the ones who panicked for good exam scores. Sounds like normal boring college."

Wolfram followed, leaning against the kitchen counter with a playful smirk directed at Allister. "Who said I panicked over my exams?"

"Well, if you're such a genius," Allister said, reaching up into one of the cupboards for the wine bottle and a pair of glasses, "I may just have you do my math for me. I bet you'll love dilutions." He had to admit, he felt fancy pulling out the wine glasses. It wasn't every day Allister had an excuse for that.

Pouring some of the red wine into each of the glasses, Allister handed one off to Wolfram.

"Dilutions..." Wolfram stared into the wine as he muttered the word. "Mathematics regarding multiple liquids? I do believe we covered something of the sort in alchemical basics." He paused and took a tentative sip of the wine, then stared at it more as if studying it.

"What do you think?"

"I'm not certain how I feel about the taste."

"Well, that's fair. I doubt cheap gift wine is the best introduction to the stuff."

"I suppose it's fine eno - hic - ohh..." Wolfram grimaced with the sudden case of hiccups beginning.

"Oh geez, that didn't take much, huh?" Allister offered a sympathetic smile.

Wolfram stared at the glass of wine, eyes narrowing at it. "Appare - hic - apparently so... I'm not sold on the - hic - idea of alcohol thus far, Alli - hic - Allister."

Allister gently patted his poor, hiccuping boyfriend on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, Fram. It's not everyone's thing anyway." He shrugged.

"Mm-hm... Is it - hic - really all that enj - hic - enjoyable to be intoxicated?"

"Hm... I mean, I guess?" Given that Allister hardly drank much at once, that wasn't the easiest question for him to answer, but he liked it well enough in the right context. Seeing that Wolfram was still studying the wine with something of a skeptical look, Allister offered, "You don't have to drink it if you don't like it, it's fine. Like I said, it's cheap stuff too."

It was Wolfram's turn to answer with a shrug as he said, "It's f - hic - fine. I'm not completely aga - hic - against the taste, so I'll see what I think of it."

"Oh." Allister was, admittedly, surprised. Wolfram wasn't completely disdainful of something that had so easily given him hiccups? That was unusual. "Well, how about we find something to watch for a bit before I get back to work?"

---

A glass of wine and some television later, Allister realized that getting back to work was... difficult. For one thing, he hadn't finished that math from earlier and was now facing down the dreaded dilutions. The alcohol may not have been helping with that. Then there was also the matter of Wolfram.

"Alli - hic - ster." Wolfram whined, draping his arms over Allister's shoulders. "Is the math - hic - done yet?" He leaned forward, resting his head against the back of Allister's neck.

"Still struggling with that part," Allister said. His attention drifted to the empty wine glass that Wolfram had left on the table. Was it a coincidence that Allister's sweetheart, now slightly red-faced in the cheeks, was acting clingier than usual? No, certainly not.

"Well, hurry up," Wolfram mumbled into the collar of Allister's shirt. "Finish up s - hic - so you can cuddle me."

Allister smiled, reaching a hand up to gently squeeze Wolfram's own. "I'd love to, Fram, but it's a bit difficult with you hanging onto me like that."

Wolfram pointed at the laptop. "Then gi - hic - ive it to me. I'll do it, let me - hic - see it."

"You know, I wasn't serious about having you do the dilutions, Fram."

"Allister, I'm - hic - smart, remember? Numbers are numbers even in a different world, I can - hic - do it." Without bothering to wait for an answer, Wolfram sat up and promptly stretched out to lay on his side across Allister's lap, reaching over to the laptop on the table.

"Fram, what are you -"

"It's fine, Allister, it's fi - hic - ine. I can do math," Wolfram muttered indignantly.

Allister sighed and relented, waiting as Wolfram stared at the text on the screen. Eventually, Wolfram rolled onto his back to look up at Allister. "How do I use this?"

"You know, Fram," Allister said, brushing a stray hair out of Wolfram's face, "I have to do a course on pharmacy law after this one too. I don't think you'll be able to help with that one so you're still going to be waiting a bit."

Wolfram pouted and crossed his arms. "Allister."

"What is it?"

"N - hic - o," Wolfram said, the single-syllable word mangled by his hiccups.

"You want to try that again?"

"I'm telling you no, Allister. You're do - hic - ing what you tell me not to do. You're going to ove - hic - overwork yourself, and I refuse to let you."

"I get it," Allister said, "but I have to do this stuff for work, Fra -"

Wolfram put a hand up over Allister's mouth. "Shush. You have ple - hic - nty of time to do this work, right? So I'll make you do more tomo - hic - tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, huh?" Allister mumbled, pushing Wolfram's hand aside with a hand of his own, fingers intertwining. Tomorrow sounded like a better time for the dilutions. "So that means cuddling now?"

Wolfram nodded. "I dema - hic - demand cuddles, Alli." Still lying on his back, he held out his arms up towards Allister expectantly.

Allister broke into a smile at that sight. "You're playful when you're tipsy, huh?"

"I never said I was - hic - tipsy. Oh, wait." Apparently having a sudden idea, Wolfram abruptly sat up. He brought his hands closer together and began to recite a spell - though, with his hiccups interrupting him, it took three or four times before he was able to successfully do so. Once he managed the spell without interruption, one of the small animal-like spirits formed in his hands and Wolfram smiled at Allister. "More warmth to sit with us."

"If we doze off, it's going to run off eventually and start causing trouble, won't it?"

Wolfram thought, looking back down at the currently rabbit-esque spirit. He shrugged and said in a dismissive tone, "It's fine, it's fi - hic - fine."

"Well, if it starts knocking stuff over later, you're the one who has to clean it up. Get over here, then," Allister said before leaning towards Wolfram and pulling him down to lie down on the couch.

[cinnamoonsworld]

Two Worlds Collide - Chapter 9 [Aizawa x fem!reader]

Hi guys!  There are very few chapters left at the end, and this chapter (which I loved writing) will be ultrafluff! Thanks to my boyfriend for the translation, enjoy <3  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------  Previous chapters: ch1 | ch 2 | ch3 | ch 4| ch5 | ch6 | ch7 | ch 8 You can also find me on Ao3! Word count: 1885  TW: none, pure fluff  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "(Y/N), is this chord ok??" Azai asked you by playing a chord with the guitar. "That’s exactly what I had in mind, very good Azai!" You said smiling. December had already started a few days ago, and the Christmas air was starting to feel more and more in the air. You liked to walk around the street and see all the decorations and lights that seemed to wrap around shop windows, trees and street lamps. Besides, you were very happy to see the decorations every day since you had to go to the rehearsal room to try with the band you had found together with Present Mic. In mid-November, Present Mic invited you to its radio show. He had decided to interview you and, during the interview, to make an announcement to find a band that would support you during the famous U.A. Christmas party. You were very concerned that your former manager had been spreading rumors in order to hinder you as much as possible, instead, a few days later, a flood of musicians appeared. After a long audition, and a long discussion, you and Hizashi chose the musicians who, in your opinion, found themselves more in touch with you to play. The time was short, and there were many things to do. In a month you had to write at least six new songs, with lots of music and arrangements together with the members of your new band. You felt happy to work with someone who dictated his choices to you and gave freedom to your tastes and opinions. The songs were taking shape, although you couldn’t find the lyrics to the sixth and final song. You used to crank up your thoughts trying to knock something down, but you just couldn’t. Aizawa also noticed this block. Usually, while you were correcting your homework, you would suddenly stop with your face glowing, and you would rush to get the notebook that you had in your work bag and then start writing quickly so you wouldn’t lose the ideas that you had just come up with. Aizawa didn’t blame you if you momentarily left in half what you were doing, he understood perfectly that what you were experiencing was a crucial moment for your career. "Well guys, that’s enough for tonight!" You happily announced. "Thank you all, we were very good all as usual! I’ll see you tomorrow night." You all applauded for the job well done and greeted each other. You were thinking about the shopping to do before going back to the dorm (with all these commitments you often did not remember to have an empty fridge), when at the entrance of the studios you found a figure familiar to you that controlled lazily the cell phone. "Shouta?" You asked a little out of your mind. "What are you doing here?" "I was on my way, and I thought I’d stop and wait for you." He replied with his usual tired tone. He actually asked Hizashi where the rehearsal room was where you went every day, and he decided to surprise you. He had this weird urge to see you, and since he didn’t have to go on any rounds that night, he decided he wanted to spend some time with you outside of school. Even though he was wearing a heavy black coat and a pair of jeans of the same color, you still thought he was beautiful. You immediately turned red in the face to think that of your superior, and tried to hide your face inside the scarf. "How would you like to go to dinner somewhere?" the hero suddenly asked. "Since it’s already dinner time now..." "G-going out to dinner? You and m-me?" You stuttered trying to hide badly the embarrassment and emotion that were taking over you. Aizawa stared at you with his obsidian eyes, perfectly concealing the panic he was experiencing at the time. He didn’t understand where all that courage was coming from, but he decided to play it all. "Of course." You said, finally, with a big smile in your heart that you felt it pounding in your ears. "With great pleasure." Aizawa was a very rational person, and he almost couldn’t get over how he kept thinking about you all the time. These new feelings a little scared him, but he was curious at the same time. So it was happening to you too, that you had never felt such a strong attraction to someone even though you were always a person who almost never followed logic but a lot of instinct. As you tried to keep your embarrassment at bay, the raven stopped in front of a family restaurant, carefully pondering whether it was the right place to take you or not. "Shouta." you chased him, seeing him in trouble. " I have no problem eating anywhere, I’ll settle for a bowl of ramen." Feeling relieved, he made his way into the restaurant. As much as it was a family restaurant, the environment was cozy and very reminiscent of a country house. A smiling waitress welcomed you and took you to a smaller table than the standard ones. It was full of families with small children, all very excited about the arrival of Christmas and the gifts that Santa Claus would have found under the tree. After studying the menus and ordering, you and Aizawa stayed quiet for a while. You didn’t know where to start, everything in your head seemed stupid and you didn’t want to look stupid in front of him. "Excuse me for asking (Y/N)." Aizawa said, ending the silence "Why don’t you ever use your Quirk?" Here, the question straight to the stomach like a punch. "It’s not that easy..." You sighed, looking for the exact words with which to answer. " Here...see...I don’t know where to start exactly." While inside you the panic began to rise, Aizawa noticed and took you by the hand. He didn’t understand why he did it either, but that instinctive gesture seemed like the right thing to do at that moment to calm you down. You began to feel the fear waning feeling the warmth of his hand over yours. "As beautiful as the Quirk of telekinesis can be, it is very difficult to control." You told quietly. " In addition to training for many years, you must also be a person who does not get caught up in strong emotions. Unfortunately I am not one of them." "Did your manager ever help you control your powers?" asked the raven. "Unfortunately, no...it was not uncommon that many times I destroyed the dressing rooms in anger, frustration or stress. He was willing to pay handsomely to keep people quiet about how destructive my power could be. But it’s much better now, I’m much better and I’m much quieter." As soon as the speech was over, the waitress came with your orders. "Have you ever had problems with your Quirk?" You asked for a bite. "In high school, I thought my power was useless." Aizawa replied, sketching a smile. "Until I realized, after a bad accident, that my friends were right about me, that I was strong but I was afraid I wouldn’t live up to the expectations of others. Then in the third year I decided to become an independent Pro Hero...and now here I am, teacher and independent Pro Hero." "Now I understand why you always encourage kids to improve and overcome their fears." You spoke with a smile, and Aizawa felt her heart tremble. The dinner went on with your stories and anecdotes of life, surprising you both of how well you were with two totally different personalities. Aizawa knew perfectly well to intimidate many people with his apparently cold and detached character, so he did not care to deepen the acquaintance with someone. With you, it was different. Your sunny character attracted him almost like a bee is attracted by honey. He never got tired of you. You, on the other hand, found this character of him fascinating, a bit rough on the surface but so kind. His low, warm voice made you feel wrapped in a soft blanket. After dinner, you went to the dorms together. Sometimes you stopped showing Aizawa some light or Christmas decoration that you particularly liked. "We should put something inside the dorm too." You sighed as you watched a Christmas tree. "Well...you can ask Nezu if you can do it." Aizawa said with a little smile. " I’m sure the kids will appreciate it too, it’s not a bad idea." "Y-you mean it?" You answered the hero smiling. Aizawa didn’t like Christmas decorations very much or in general, but seeing you with such a dreamy look just couldn’t say no to you. As you turned to look at a particularly beautiful decoration, your phone fell out of your coat pocket. You were about to pick it up, when Ereserhead was about to do the same, and your hands touched. You looked straight into each other’s eyes, with you getting even redder than usual and he feeling his heartbeat soaring. "Look... before I did not asked you... can I hold your hand?" Aizawa asked, trying to best disguise his embarrassment.  "Of course." You answered without the slightest hesitation and smiled gently as you began to blush conspicuously. Aizawa’s hand, callous as it was, was warm and big. You would have wanted to sink your face into his hand. You wanted those big, hot, callous hands to caress your whole body... Hand in hand, you arrived at the U.A. dormitory, on the way you had talked a bit about what Aizawa wanted to do as a program in class before the Christmas holidays and the last dreadful surprise task that he would have found on the 1-A desks in two days. You had a lot of laughs about what to put on the test, and some faces that the kids would read certain questions. "So tomorrow we’ll meet right after the lessons that we finish writing the paper for the boys?" asked the raven holding your hand again. "Of course!" You replied smiling "I have rehearsals in the late afternoon anyway, so there are no problems." Even though you were room neighbors, he walked you to the doorstep of your bedroom door.

"Then good night Shouta.- Pronounce yourself trying to shake his hand as much as possible." Thank you for a wonderful evening."

"Thanks to you." Pro Hero replied in turn, sketching a little smile. Before he left your hand, you gave him a kiss on the cheek. You ran immediately inside your room and closed the door immediately. Your heart was racing, and you felt warmer than normal. Even though that was a rash gesture, you were happy to have done it. 

Aizawa was impaled for five minutes good at touching the point of his cheek that had come into contact with your lips. He was trying to figure out whether what had just happened was real or not. And that’s when the light finally came to you. You knew what would be the last new piece you would present. The song you cared about the most and wanted to use as a battlehorse. Without even getting undressed, you rushed to your desk and started writing in a flash.

[writingwitchly]

A matter of… toe?

Can I ask for a oneshot with Sirius with the convo: B: You got a new lip balm? A: Yeah. It smells like strawberries too! Want to smell? B: Sure! *walks closer to kiss her/him* A: *just as B is few inches away* *pulls out the balm in front, making it cover B's nose* Please!! Love you😘 ~ @miss-nerd0905

Pairing: Sirius Black x reader

Word count: 4,1k 

AU: Where the biggest concern sare late Xmas shopping and love. So no war, but still wizards. 

A/N: I will not rant about my writing bc it’s Xmas… Vase Darling, I hope you like it!! I wanted this to be vv Christmassy for you!! tbh, I didn’t fully stick to the prompt (this might be veryyy different from what you expected), but the lip balm’s there lol. Have a jolly holiday!

***

Like every December 23rd, you type Lily’s number on the phone, and hum a jolly tune as the dial tone echoes in your ear.

Ever since you’ve moved on your own in London, going late Christmas shopping with your best friend has become a tradition. Together, you go from shop to shop, searching even the most unknown and hidden ones, to get the most perfect gifts for your friends. And, modestly, you nail every single one, to the point where everyone in your circle of Christmas guests call you the “jingle bell rocking team.”

You let your eyes wander on the gray sky outside through the window, and make a mental note of bringing your scarf along, right as a click announces that someone has picked up the call.

“Hello?”

You were going to scream at your friend in excitement to hurry up, but something in the voice that answered makes it… not hers. It’s deep and raucous.

“Lily?”

A crack, then a pause. Some air faintly blows in the mike, and you perceive that the phone must be moving.

“Y/N?” Now, you do recognize Lily’s voice. Although it still sounds off. And nasal.

“Lily!”

“Y/N…” A cough echoes in the background, so the owner of the other voice must still be in proximity.

“Um… Are you okay?” You risk the stupid question, dreading the obvious answer.

“Well,” She tries to laugh, but her lungs seem to resist the act. “Not really. I… James managed to pass me his flu, this year. But don’t worry, I’ll wear some additional coat and we’ll still go, I’ll be there in-”

Her boyfriend protests in the back, but is stopped by another wave of coughing.

An “oh” escapes your throat, longer than you wanted it. “It wouldn’t be wise to go shopping, if you’re in that state, Lils.” For a moment, she seems to hesitate, so you add, “We want to have you guys whole and in perfect shape for the Christmas Eve party.”

You hope your regret isn’t too evident in your tone.

“James wants to make it alive until then, he’s planned a little fly dressed all in red and whi-”

The raucous voice resounds in the background, clearly irritated, and Lily laughs again, “Seems like I’ve ruined the surprise. Don’t tell anyone,” She giggles again. “Um- Sorry to leave you alone on that.”

“Uh?” Imagining James flying, dressed as Santa Claus, has made you forget anything else for a couple of seconds. “Oh, you mean the shopping. Don’t worry,” You’re not sure the last two words sounded very convincing, but you still continue, “I’ll ask someone else to come. Maybe Dorcas.”

“Er- Her and Mary have choir rehearsal for the fundraising,” Lily reminds you.

The sky outside seems to become a little darker.

“Shoot. Remus then.”

“You know that today-”

“He works until late. And Marlene’s at her family’s until tomorrow.” You bite your lip, “Peter?”

“Is it grocery shopping you plan to do?”

Peter and his love for Christmas sweets… He’d stop you at every corner to get a new type of candy.

“Kingsley?”

But you erase that possibility on your own: he isn’t one to walk the whole day around looking for funny socks or the perfect make up set.

You sight in exasperation. This is why it’s always Lily and you who take care of the holiday shopping.

Half as a joke, half out of desperation, you suggest, “Dumbledore?”

There is a loud snort -- which sounded more like a snore -- surely from James, and then Lily mutters something that you can’t hear.

“Lily?”

Shuffling in the background.

“I- James says- He says that you should probably ask Sirius to come.”

“Sirius?” you repeat, not convinced to have heard right. You hope you haven’t.

You’re not 100% sure, but you heard James repeat his mate’s name at the same time as you, and in the exact same surprised tone.

After a second, the man’s laughter is muffled by Lily’s hand on the mike. She tells him something, and he answers back between two sneezes, but you can’t understand anything except for ‘-toe.’

“Toe?”

Lily’s voice comes back, “What?”

“Nothing,” you mutter, this time convinced that you have heard wrong. “So, you guys say, Sirius?”

No, no, no.

“Well, yeah. Usually, he can’t go because he takes care of James’ seasonal flu, but now I can do that…”

“Mmmm…”

“Call him, Y/N, he’s your last hope. I’ll manage to take care of my boyfriend and resist the urge to hex him.”

“Are you sure that Sirius is the right guy to give advice on Muggle shopping?”

And that I won’t make a fool of myself around him?

“I- Uh…” Lily stutters, and pauses a second to hear what James has to say. “Well, if you say so, Potter.” She focuses back on you, “James is positive about it, Y/N,” Which one? The shopping thing, or the fool thing? You’d like to be sure about the latter. “And- I left some soup on the stove,  so- we don’t want the house burning down, do we. Gotta go!”

Is it you, or does her voice sound much healthier than before? “Wait, Lily-!”

“We’ll see you guys tomorrow!”

Before she hangs up, James’ voice reaches you, but very confusedly.

Again, did he say toe?

***

Getting Sirius to come shopping with you was easier than you thought. A call, and he apparated on the front step before you had a chance to put your boots on. Even keeping your composure in his presence is revealing itself quite easy, despite the fact that you’re alone with him for the first occasion in a very long time.

The tough stuff is making him follow you through Muggle London without losing him in the crowd.

“What about that?” you ask, eyeing a novel with a bright blue cover. It reads ‘In Love With an Idiot’, and Lily would absolutely wheeze only at the title. “Do you think that James would be offe- Sirius?” You shoot a glance behind your shoulder, only to discover that the man has disappeared again. “Oh, for Merlin’s sake.”

Struggling to hold the multiple packs under your arms, you move to the side of the pedestrian street, and climb on a bench, under the glare of an old lady. Feeling dizzy because of the bright passing scarves and hats, you lose one good minute in finding the mane of black locks that towers above the surrounding passerbys.

Completely obvious of the world around him, the boy’s observing the vitrine of a toy shop, whose sign’s colorful light reflects on his recently shaved cheeks.

“Sirius!” Your cry of frustration scares the glaring old lady away, but at least it’s successful in making your friend come back to reality.

Smirking, Sirius makes his way back to you, pushing people aside with the dozens of bags he carries, and attracting himself many dark looks.

“Afraid I’d leave you, Y/N?”

“No,” you sigh, wondering at what age Sirius has stopped growing up mentally, “Afraid to lose half of the gifts. What were you looking at?”

“Crazy how the Muggles manage to make things move without magic. There was a small train riding on its own!” His grin widens, and you have to tilt your head up to have a good sight of his childish expression.

Godric, he’s so tall. And so handsome.

Shut up, Y/N.

“But it looked quite unrealistic,” he continues, unaware of your internal dialogue, “There was no smoke.”

“It’s normal,” you say, “It works with batteries, a clever way of producing energy without-”

But Sirius craning his neck in direction of another shop stops you mid-sentence. It won’t be long until he goes off your sight again.

Merlin, he’s worse than Peter.

“No, Black, no such thing again. We’re almost done, I don’t plan on spending the night here.”

To prevent him from going away again, and prevent the lost of the dozen of bags he carries, you link an arm with his. And immediately feel your cheeks lighting up.

Thankfully, he looks away. And you badly hope it’s not because he saw you blushing.

“Nice weather,” he mutters, right as you say, “It’s freezing cold.”

Had it happened earlier, you would have laughed and argued, but now a strange tension seems to have fallen on the two of you.

“So er- those… baggeries,” he says hesitantly. “Do Muggles use them only for tiny trains or-”

You smile shyly, relieved by his clumsy attempt at building a conversation, but suddenly find yourself unable to explain anything about bagge- batteries. So you just correct his pronunciation and laugh the question away.

Something in the way Sirius looks and behaves has changed since your Hogwarts years. He is much more mature, and much less of a troublemaker. He hasn’t lost his mischievous sparkle, of course -- not even after death will he --, but he uses it more consciously.

The last time you two have been alone together before today was… three years and a half ago?

During the graduation party, you had found yourself sitting alongside the dance floor, immersed in nostalgic flashes of your school years, when Sirius had come to ask you for a dance. He saw it as only another moment of fun, but something clicked in your head when he grabbed you by the waist.

You saw memories of how you had started liking him in first year, how his sarcastic remarks were actually something you looked forward to get angry at everyday, how his lousy humor and deep sense of loyalty were his most attracting traits, how his hair falling on his eyes made you daydream.

You also saw the fact that you were about to step in the adults’ world, and maybe part ways.

So, drunk in melancholy and honeywine, you were about to tell him what you had hid for seven years in a row.

But, right at that moment, a group of girls passed by, eyeing him shamelessly and giggling like three-years-olds. It was already hard to swallow the fact that you were infatuated with the most popular guy in a range of ten kilometers, but when he asked you, in the middle of the song, if you’d mind if he invited one of them to dance, you lost your breath.

“Of course not,” you answered, surprising yourself at how easy the lie had come out of your mouth.

He had paused, looked at you for a second, and left you alone in the middle of the room to join the group of girls.

At that moment, lost in your feelings, you had seen through his: you were nothing more than a friend to him.

Some heavy darkness had engulfed you, and that had been the last time you’d accepted to be alone with him. Until today.

You have spent three years muffling your heart’s complaints under tons of good will, in the name of your friendship, and in respect for his opinion.

Caught in the worry of not being able to buy your friends their gifts, you did not think twice about it, earlier, but now…

It seems dangerous to walk next to him.

Around you, the street is getting busier of other people who, like you, have opted for a last-minute gift-search. Fake Santas shake their bells, making teens giggle, and women with babies look in adoration at them. A couple of parents hold their children by the hand, dragging them toward a house shop, while the kids clearly feel like stopping in front of a cozy bar. There is a Frank Sinatra song playing somewhere near the place at the end of the way, and the crispy notes of his deep voice fill every corner of the jolly atmosphere.

A draught of winter air caresses your face, making you shiver.

“About time to go, don’t you think?” you suggests, tightening the scarf around your neck.

“Well- De we have everything we need?” Sirius hesitates, so you start recounting the bags,

“We’ve got Marlene’s sweater, Alice’s scented candles, Kingsley’s sock set-”

“A complete,” Sirius interrupts you “collection of Queen’s best hits for James - that sucker better repay me later, this costed like one of my eyes - a maxi sized pot of skittles for Dumbledore, a horrible pair of socks for Frank, and some catnip for Minnie. Remus’-”

“Catnip?” you raise an eyebrow. “Oh please, don’t tell me you’ve-”

“No, I haven’t left the tea behind, we have that too. I just thought it’d be nice to add some catnip,” he finishes, with a big grin stamped across his face, and you roll your eyes.

“I checked everything on the  list that Lily and I have made, so we have everything. I think we can stop.”

“Are you sure?” Sirius asks, and you think you discern some deception in his words. Is it really possible that-

But your running imagination must be tricking you.

“Quite sure, I-” You slap a hand on your forehead, attracting a curious look from a seven-years-old passing by.  “I was forgetting, as always!” you claim, “We’re not done yet.”

Sirius eyes you, and you see a reflection of the little boy’s expression on his face. And maybe a brighter twinkle in his stare.

“We were forgetting about our own gifts,” you explain, to which he breaks into a snort.

“What’s the plan, then? We choose our gift, and we’ll act as if it’s a surprise on Eve’s dinner?” he asks.

You shake your head. “You choose something for me, I’ll pick something for you. No right to show the other, so-” You realize what you’re going to say, and regret it a bit. “So- It’s better if we part ways now, anyway. I have- I have to meet Mary and Dorcas for a trip to the library,” you say, raising your stare from the floor to look at him straight in the eyes.

Sirius’ lips purse in a thin line, and he nods in understanding.

You slow your pace down, and come to a halt. After a second of uncomfortable pause, you unlink your arm from his, and, for a moment, you face each other, unsure of how to say goodbye.

“See you tomorrow, then,” Sirius half-heartedly says.

“Yeah,” you respond.

The crazy thought of a hug crosses your mind, but you turn on your heels before giving in to the temptation. 

You’re already a good fifteen meters away, when his voice flies to you, “It was a nice shopping session, Y/N! Thank you!”

You swing around, and smile before the crowd swallows him.

***

“You tricked me.”

Zipping her golden top, Lily doesn’t deign you of a look. “I don’t see what you’re talking about, darling.”

“Spare me your terrible lying capacity, Lily. Just- Let’s set aside the fact that you’ve broken our tradition, and that I felt treasoned, but-” You run a hand on your face, looking for proper words to make you sound less lame than what you are. “You know that it’s hard for me to be in the same room as him, and you made it more awkward by setting this up.”

“I didn’t s-”

“Oh come on!” you cry, frustrated. “He was ready when I called! And you do sound like you healed very quickly.”

The decorations on the walls and the snow falling outside make Lily and James’ living room look like a gigantic snowball.

“I- Ok, I’m not as sick as I was yesterday morning, but… I th-”

“You have no right to play the matchmaker, Lily... You know very well how much I struggled to make the pain go away!”

“The both of your are so much more mature recently.”

“So? I can’t make him fancy me, if he doesn’t want to! No matter if he gets as mature as Remus.”

“You’re so stubborn, Y/N! If you don’t try, you’ll never get anything!”

From the doorframe, James chuckles, “Take me as an example: I managed to date my fierce redhead after seven years of-”

“James!” you both scream, and the man raises his hands in defence, going back to drinking his medicinal tea. He can barely stand up, wrapped in the tons of coverts that are supposed to protect his fragile health from yet another cold, but he wouldn’t miss your discussion if he got paid for it: you get better than his favorite telenovellas, when you’re in that mood.

“If you ever tell him any of this-” you look at him, menacing.

With his mouth full of the infusion, James mimics somebody promising, and then walks out of the room, in look of a more peaceful environment. He does that every time he senses the storm going toward him.

“All I want is you to be happy, Y/N. I swear you need to be blind not to notice that Sirius likes you.”

“I’m- Please, don’t make it harder, Lily. I appreciate your encouragements, but I worked hard on making these feelings disappear, and-”

“We both know you still like him, Y/N. How many times will I have to tell you.” She rolls her eyes. “I am going to get you two together before this New Year, or I’ll rename myself Gertrudis. And you can’t change my mind.”

With nothing to answer to that, you sigh, only waiting for the moment when you’ll get to call your best friend Gertrudis.

***

“Nothing better than a sweet gathering with friends for Christmas,” Remus says as he pops the bottle of honeywine open. Behind him, the fire cracks in the chimney.

From across the living room, Frank, his arm around Alice’s shoulders, laughs, “You say that every year, Rems.”

Kingsley comes in the scarred boy’s defence, “It’s worth repeating, Longbottom. Anyway, I’d rather hear Remus say it a thousand more times than to have to listen to James’ drunk jokes at the end of the meal.”

The mentioned boy fakes a pout, and Sirius, who’s lying on the floor at his feet, plays with a red cap, that will be useless this year: Flying Santa Potter Show has been moved to next year, because of ‘health issues’, to Peter’s great regret.

“I wonder how you’re still sneezing enough to make that whole building fall down, James, while Lily’s wearing a mini skirt.” The bitterness in your voice can only be understood by James, and by his girlfriend. “From how she sounded on the phone yesterday, she was about to die.”

At those words, Lily gets out of the kitchen, followed by Dorcas, and shoots you a smile, “Onion soup does miracles on me,” she winks, and turns toward the man spread on the carpet, “Sirius, please be a sweetheart, and give Y/N a hand to bring the rest of the starters on the table.”

And here we go again.

Noticing your annoyed groan, Marlene slightly smiles.

“I hope the floor’s clean,” she murmurs to Lily, “Because I have that feeling that we’ll have to pick the starters up from the tiles. What did you do to piss her off?”

“Just wait,” the redhead whispers back, “And you’ll see.”

***

In the background, Celestina Warbeck threatens to drown you all in a cauldron full of hot love.

Sirius is handing you some plastic plates, on which you lay tiny canapes. The only reason that prevents you from dropping them on the floor in vengeance is their very appetizing look. And the fact that you’ve spent hours dressing them.

The soft buzzing of conversation coming from the living room warms your heart: having friends like yours is the highlight of your life. Ruining the mood by confronting romantical feelings to just friendship would be… awfully wrong.

“Any plans for New Year’s Eve, Y/N?”

“Uh?”

Sirius smiles at you from the other side of the table, a plate full of mini croissants in each hand. “Do you have plans for New Year’s Eve?”

You tilt your head. “Just- our usual gathering. Why?”

The man shrugs. “Maybe you wanted to do something different, I don’t know.” And he grins again. “You tell me, if you want some change, okay?”

“Sure.”

Perplex because of his strange request, you come back in the core room of the party a little distracted, sensing that something is weird.

You scan your friends’ faces, but don’t notice anything out of place, so give up  your strange presentment.

***

Soon, it’s time to unwrap.

As everyone discovers their gifts -- and shares drunk jokes, much to Kingsley’s dismay -- you step in a corner, holding a pink package in the palm of your hand. The ribbon itself is bigger than the box.

“What is it?” Sirius’ sudden presence behind your back makes you start.

“What do you mean, what is it?” From the corner of your eye, you notice Lily staring at you, and then whispering something in James’ ear. “Didn’t you buy it?”

The man scratches his neck. “I’m not the best at choosing Muggle gifts, let along for a girl. So I asked the salesgirl to give me the cutest item she had and-” He points to the half-unwrapped box in your hands. “I’m about to discover what it is at the same time as you.”

His breath on your neck makes your fingers tremble, but you rip the remnants of colorful paper off the present, and reveal a-

“Lip balm?” you ask, surprised.

Sirius only nods, with half a smile. “Looks like it.”

Carefully, you extract the round container from the wrapping, grinning at how cute it is, indeed. You delicately brush a finger on the surface, and press it to your lips.

“Mmm… It smells like strawberries!”

“Really?” Sirius casually steps closer to you.

“Uh- Want to smell?” you ask, trying to remain composed.

“Sure!”

You were about to pass him the container. You were about to. 

But, under your unbelieving stare, Sirius leans forward, until he’s only inches apart from your mouth, and closes his eyes.

A little lamp lights up in your head: that something that was wrong when you exited the kitchen, James’ repeated mention of a ‘toe’ during yesterday’s call… Right above your head, you see it.

It happens all so fast, that you can barely register your own movements.

***

“You what?”

Lily, shivering in her skirt, is gaping at you. She ran after you as soon as you left the apartment in a hurry, and managed to catch you right as you were exiting the building.

“I panicked” You cry, still shocked yourself, and starting to feel like the dumbest person ever, ever, ever.

Your best friend blinks very slowly. “You- Are you doing this to make me lose the bet? Because that’s the only explanation I will accept, Y/N!”

The scene repeats itself endlessly in your mind as the snowflakes sprinkle your hair. Sirius, centimeters away from your lips. The balm suddenly put in front of him, covering his nose. His surprised look. Your run away.

“I don’t know, I-”

“You don’t know?” Her eyes clearly say ‘I’m about to kill you if you don’t give me a good reason for leaving the perfect romantical scene out of the blue’.

“Listen! If I wasn’t sure that he now thinks I’m the most idiotic fool in this world, I’d run back upstairs and kiss him right where I left him!” you scream.

You hope that none of the neighbors had planned to go to bed early.

“Glad you would-” A voice comes from an open window, three floors above. A pair of large glasses is looking down at you, surrounded by all your friend’s faces.

“James! Fucking get inside, don’t make your flu even worse!” shouts Lily.

“- because,” her boyfriend ignores her, “I doubt he’d be happy to have ran down the stairs for nothing!”

Right as he finishes his sentence, the building’s door opens, and lets out a very confused Sirius. Quickly, Lily disappears inside.

The world stops spinning, and you lose the capacity to breathe. Your knees threaten to give up under the weight of the tension that installs itself on your shoulders.

Merlin, if I could die right on the spot.

“I’m sorry if I-” Sirius takes a step forward, but stops right away, and lowers his head. “It was stupid of me, I’m very sorry.”

Seemingly unable to distinguish between what happens in your head, and what you’re actually doing in this moment, you walk toward him.

“What do you mean, you’re sorry?” The temperature of your cheeks climbs up vertiginously, and it costs you an incredible effort to articulate. “I’m the one who ran away.”

And you’re standing in front of him, close enough to see the grey of his eyes reflecting the streetlamp light.

“I like you a lot, you know.” His soft whisper knocks the air out of you. “I think I’ve liked you since Hogwarts, but I was too busy being a jerk to notice it.”

Before the moment has a chance to vanish, like a dream, you reach for his lips with yours, standing on your tiptoes.

As Sirius wraps his arms around your waist and deepens the kiss, you can hear the dance of the snowflakes, chorusing with the beating of your hearts. Your breaths become the same mist, and your bodies tell the same story. The story of two young people in love.

Above your heads, a green branch has been fixed with some tape from a windowsill of the third floor, and is gently being hugged by the breeze.

“Look at those two,” Winter seems to whisper, “Finally kissing under the mistletoe.”

***

Permanent tag list: @miss-nerd0905 @funnymrspotter @daytodayfun @electraheart-isdead @laurenslines @rochelle-the-ravenclaw @wildfire-whizbangs @beaubcxton @reggieblck

Sirius tag list: @glitteryfreakslimeegg @janhvi11

[sleepykittypaws]

The Christmas Setup

Original Airdate: December 12, 2020 (Lifetime) Where to Watch?: Lifetime will re-air it in this, and likely future seasons, too; It’s also available for purchase via iTunes, et al, or you can watch now, with ads, for a limited time, on mylifetime.com (cable login required)

When Lifetime announced they were making their first LGBTQ-lead Christmas movie this August, I admit I had high hopes for this milestone that was far too long in coming, but an extremely welcome addition to the made-for-TV holiday romance cannon.

When we learned a month or so later that Fran Drescher had been cast as the meddling mom, and real-life spouses Blake Lee and Ben Lewis as the leads, plus the behind-the-scenes team was also LGBTQ+-centered—director Pat Mills, screenwriter Michael J. Murray and executive producer Larry Grimaldi are all out, gay men—my expectations were absolutely through the roof, and I'm thrilled to say that The Christmas Setup actually lived up to all of them.

By far the most sparkly, fun and legitimately romantic Christmas movie of the season I've seen, this gave us that welcome dose of the sweet, wholesome holiday joy we all crave—with a romance just happened to have two men as the leads. Seriously, I wish the 10,000 straight romances we've seen this season were half this sparkly and fun.

The script was clever and thoughtful, but this definitely wasn’t a message movie—other than the message that love really is love. The leads were both successful, confident and fully accepted by their loving friends and families. There was no coming out angst—not that, that’s necessarily a bad thing—nor lessons they had to teach. They were just two dudes, falling quite chastely in love at Christmas, like the million straight couples that preceded them…And it was joyous, from beginning to end.

The plot followed the pattern of one lead with work drama, heading back to their hometown for the holidays where they (surprise!) run into an old crush unexpectedly, then fall in love—only The Christmas Setup does this all quite a bit funnier, and also more believably, than most of these paint-by-number plots.

Using the tropes so many of these movies employ, but doing them so much better, was just genius, and the little mid-movie mystery the leads go on was much more charming than most of these have-to-hunt-down-X tales are. There was even a handicraft feint, where I thought they were going to do a give-up-the-corporate-job-to-work-with-my-hands route, but nope, just rediscovering an enjoyable old hobby because, duh, this guy went to law school and is up for partner, he’s not ditching that for woodworking in his mom’s garage. 

And I absolutely adored Christmas Setup’s ending. Seriously, I now want every holiday rom-com to wrap up just like this.

(Actual) Spoiler Alert: If you haven't yet seen The Christmas Setup, skip the following four paragraphs…

Lewis’ "Hugo" is tasked with working on a “Save the Old Train Station” campaign, which requires tracking down the founder's past, which leads to evidence said founder might have been gay. It's the much-used trope of two people falling in love, while investigating a romance from the past, that's been done so many times, but never as subtly and realistically as we see here. No tracking down the parties involved, no definitive answers, just a subtle, touching, believable romantic tale that helps draw our two leads together.

The same goes for Hugo's mid-movie revelation that he has to decide by New Year's whether to take that big promotion to partner and move to London, or stay in Milwaukee and pursue his romance with Lee’s "Patrick," and the decision is…[drumroll please] We don't really know. 

Yep, the movie ends without saying anything definitive about the train station’s fate or London promotion, and instead just with Hugo and Patrick deciding they want to make a go of their romance, whatever that looks like, and kissing under gently falling snow on Christmas Eve, like a thousand straight couples before them. The fact that it ends without every single detail neatly wrapped up? I loved that. It's romantic, and perfect, still kind of real, and yet oh-so-swoony.

Did they do long distance? Did Hugo give up London and move to Milwaukee? Did Patrick move to London with him? Who knows? It’s not the point! The point is they both acknowledge they’re falling in love, and want to keep doing that…See what I mean about swoon-worthy?

…End spoilers.

This really was very well-written. The characters didn't exposition us to death about their past, their goals, what's going to happen next, etc. (I am beyond sick of the endless tell-don’t-show explaining in these movies. It’s just exhausting!) 

Even the dreaded "they have a big misunderstanding" moment—when Patrick thinks Hugo and Ellen Wong's "Maddie" are a married couple—is handled with a light touch, plenty of humor and, yeah, believability. Like, Patrick thought he was getting vibes from this guy, but then he shows up with this woman on his arm, finishing his sentences…Easy to see why he assumed they were a couple. 

And, from Hugo's perspective, he was totally nervous, so leaning on his BFF also makes sense, and you can presume he's been out long enough, and he and Maddie are together enough, that he doesn't even think he'd need to actually spell out the fact that they're just friends.

Also, note to the made-for-TV Christmas universe, please cast Fran Drescher as the mom in every holiday movie from here on out. Yes, it's sad she had to be in the closet about her Jewish heritage in order to be Super Christmas Mom here, but she was brilliant at it. It is impressive that in a movie that features two men, married in real life, as the romantic leads, plus a drag performance of Ana Gasteyer’s “Sugar and Booze,” Drescher is still, somehow, the gayest thing in The Christmas Setup—and I was Here For It, 100%

They even managed an actually funny, and not cruel or demeaning, joke about Drescher's accent. 

The Christmas Setup was not just the best, most charming made-for-TV holiday romance I've seen this season, but the best Hallmark and Lifetime movie I’ve seen in while, and it left me thinking, Why can’t straight people get stories this thoughtful, sweet and funny? So, congrats, tables fully turned.

I sincerely loved every second of The Christmas Setup, and not just because it was groundbreaking in a way that makes my heart happy—I’ll never stop beating that Representation Matters drum—but because it was just everything this middle-aged, midwest mom wants in a cozy Christmas romance. 

Final Judgement: 4 Paws Way Up

[hero-dreamer]

You know what - I’m sharing that 6th grade short story on here.

So for context: My 6th grade writing teacher had us write a short story based on one of Harris Burdick’s concepts, and I was most intrigued by “Mr Linden’s Library” (below)

Anyway, here’s that story I guess:

5:57, December 21, 2012. Linden Community Library, Adelanto, CA.

Mr. Linden sat at his desk, tragically sobbing, still remembering that...that......day. He

stared at the book, which he had took out of the safe for a very short moment, with dread and extreme fear arousing him. “Why must I be the cursed one, why me?! Why must I have to protect the world, a, a, lonely old man who has nothing to do but watch this”-he cursed-”thing?!” He sobbed some more, wailing every second, and eventually, the Mega-Waker from Starbucks wore off, and he dozed off.

“Mr. Linden!” Kaira called, poking her head through the door, one of her books almost falling out of her bag. She noticed that almost immediately, and pushed Mocking Jay back in it’s slot. “Are you in the bathroom? Hello? I know the doors don’t close for 45 minutes yet!” She thought she heard the creak of the bathroom door opening, and flinched, but it was really Mr. Linden under his desk. “I-I’d like to return these books, um, if you please...” She heard the small eerie creak again, and flinched again.

Did he forget to lock the door?, Kaira wondered. Well, he was a little forgetful, anyways. But, he ALWAYS remembered to lock the door. Even years earlier with his severe heart attack incident, he’d thrown one of the emergency men his keys, muttering something similar to “Lock the door. PLEASE.” Kaira suddenly had the idea that he was having another horrible medical episode. Fear took over her. “I’m coming Mr. Linden!,” she shouted, and it echoed around the Linden Library.

Somehow, it woke Mr. Linden up from his sleep, and he moaned. Kaira heard it very well since the bathroom she was heading toward was near his desk, and rushed to Mr. Linden’s aid.

“Are you okay?!” She said. “I’m alright, I’m alright, Kaira. What time is it?” “I think it’s 6...” She peeked at the clock. “...6:19.” “Phew. I haven’t been out too long. Is anyone else in here? *GASP*,” Mr. Linden responded. “N-” She was cut off by Mr. Linden suddenly rushing toward his desk, so much faster than the heavy winds earlier that day. He pretty much fell on the desk with relief. “Oh, oh, oh, OH, thank the LORD nothing happened to it,” he gasped out in relief. And then he did one of those weird psychotic laughs like in the movies when you find out you actually aren’t dead.

“Um...what are you talking about?” Kaira asked him. Mr. Linden hid it somewhat behind his back. “Heh heh, well, just something kinda, you know, top secret.” He looked at her with nervous glances. “Lemme guess, another novel?” He gave another frightened glance around. “Yes-yes! That’s what I’m talking about! Yes!” Then Kaira said, “Can I...I...just take a little peek at the first page? PLEASE? You KNOW I don’t have very good patience!” She gave Mr. Linden a very anxious and sad glance his way, and he started sweating and twitching like CRAZY.

“Um-um-um-um-I-um...,” he staggered. “Well, I really don’t want to upset you, but this is...ALOT more top secret than my other novels, Kaira. I just...really...don’t want anyone stealing this very VERY unique and never before thought of idea...I...I just don’t want anyone reading it now. It’ll be done soon, I can assure you, sweetie. Now, I think I’ll put this one back where it belongs,” and with that he half jogged, half ran into the back room and didn’t come out for a bit. When he finally did, she checked the clock, it was 6:26.

“So,” Kaira started, “any interesting new books or anything come in? I remember you talking about some more books being shipped in from Palm Springs.” She scratched her head. “Yes, we have some very suspenseful new novels in the back of the teen section, as well as the front,” Mr. Linden said. He had this whole complex system he made that had to do with where people looked first and what size books people like best. “Plus, we have several new books in the area around the tables,” he pointed at the large wooden tables nearby. “You will love them, I know it!” She jumped with excitement, and rushed over to the nearest bookshelf. Mr. Linden rubbed his arm, which was getting more wrinkles by the minute.

He suddenly had to go to the bathroom, which he was surprised didn’t happen when Kaira asked about the book. “Say, um, do you have your keys with you?” Mr. Linden asked anxiously. She was the most trustworthy of his employees. “You know I’m alot like you, Mr. Linden, NEVER forgetting my keys.” She reached inside her bag, and pulled out her keyring, that had six keys, and the keychain being a One Direction charm. “Well,” he asked, “would you close up shop for me?”

“I’d really LOVE to!” Kaira shouted with excitement. He sighed with relief and gratitude. “Okay, thank you so much Kaira, I really mean it. Well, goodnight!” He walked out the front door of the library, and she could hear the BEEP BEEP of Mr. Linden’s car answering to him. When he finally drove away, Kaira started thinking about that book again. Maybe I could, maybe, just, read the back or something? She gazed in the direction of the back room. He would slap my face off if I did, but, it is the holiday season. Christmas is only three days away! Instead of a special edition of the Narnia series, how about a tiny, secretive peek in the book? I won’t tell nobody.

She thought for a moment more, before finally giving in to her severe cravings. She walked over, pushed the door handle with a loud CLICK, and stepped inside. “Now, the hard part: finding that darn book.” She grunted. There were so many old, worn out books and pieces of trash and other crud back there that she didn’t know where the heck to start. She mumbled a curse under her breath. She walked all around, looking for that probably purposely dirty brown cover among the other stuff. And then, there it was, faint gold trimming and everything, lying outside one of the book piles. “Yes!”

She pushed through piles of old books until she got to the one she wanted. It really was the book. “Haha, thought you could outsmart me, Mr. Linden? Sucker!” Kaira walked out of the room, and her eyes shot toward the clock. It was 7:04. She ran out of the library, and locked the doors. When she got home, she got ready for bed, and got comfy in her bed with the book. Kaira looked at the title, Stan Linden. Kaira thought, interesting... She opened it to the first page.

Log: 8:36, May 29, 1972. Atlantic Ocean.

We’ve been out on the waves for several hours now, and I still have a really deep craving

for steak. We saw a few whales, Korra won’t tell me what type, leaping out of the water. (A few minutes later) We just saw something unknown off the starboard side of the ship! It didn’t appear to touch the Io at all, and I didn’t really see much, except for a dark, eerie green.

And then the book got ALOT more detailed.

2:49, May 29, 1972. Off an unknown island in the Atlantic.

“So Stan, Lindsey, Ian, Ralph, Valerie, and George will boat out there and see what in the

name of microwaved hot dogs is over there. ” Jack instructed. “The rest of us will stay here and watch for any more suspicious activity.” He clapped his hands. “Good luck.”

So I was basically the co-captain, and Ralph was leader of the mission. At first, we saw the island, and immediately spotted an explosion. Now our group was being sent down there to investigate. We got in one of the speedboats, and sped toward the tiny little island. We saw it only a half-hour or so ago, and Jack rushed us to look at it. When we arrived, the sand was practically turning into glass, and it wasn’t very rocky. We climbed up a small hill, and stopped dead when we saw what lay ahead.

An airplane crash site. We thought we saw a few Southwests fly by during the long hours of preparation for the voyage. This looked like one of them, especially since there were still a few flames lurking around. The left wing had been torn off, and was flung into the side of one of the nearby hills. The tail was also bent downwards, and sat crooked behind the plane. There seemed to be no survivors.

“Le-le-let me radio in.” Ralph flipped out his walkie-talkie, but before he could even talk, there was a sudden explosion behind us. There was suddenly a storm above us, too. We quickly turned around, and saw that it was the Io that has been hit in the mid-rear starboard section by something. But what? Most of us just barely gasped, while George fainted. Well, that’s good old George for you.

The ship was hit again, in the front-left area, and was starting to sink. I could just barely make out a single cry, one tainted with manliness, extreme curiosity, and a twinge of stubbornness. Jack. Valerie cried because I guess she heard it too, and Ralph stood there wide- eyed, and dropped the walkie-talkie. The others just stared at the flaming hull of the Io, paralyzed to the spot.

Who could have possibly done this? What could’ve possibly done this? What in the name of microwaved hot dogs... Just then I spotted a spot of grey in the slosh of green to my left. I looked and saw... a man, standing there. I couldn’t see what he was doing. “He-he-hey!” I managed to sputter. I took a quick glance at the ship. “There’s a guy over there!” Everyone’s head turned, and George twitched in something like...surprise? I don’t know. We managed to speed-walk, and we got about halfway between where we were and the guy, and we were suddenly thrown back several feet.

Ian and Lindsey broke out their guns, while Ralph, who had picked up his wal-tal, was trying to see if anyone was alive. “Hello! Hello! Jack!!!!!” I broke out my own gun, not knowing that it wasn’t loaded yet. Luckily, I checked the ammo slot a few seconds later, and snatched a few bullets from my pack.

Lindsey tried a few shots at the guy, and the bullets were caught in mid-air by...THE GRASS. I’m serious, the man gazed over here, and then pieces of grass suddenly piled on top of eachother, and caught the bullets in mid-air! The man snickered. “Crud!” Valerie shrieked. I had a sudden idea. Not very original, but in movies it’ll usually work. I whispered to Ralph “I’m gonna try and sneak behind him with my knife.” I pulled out my knife, which was my favorite, and a gift from my wife, Hannah.

“Um...” he stared at the man in deep thought. “Take a try, but be careful. I don’t wanna be screamed at IF we even get back that I led you to your death.” The man seemed busy with this stuff, so I ran around, being cautious not to make a sound. I was about 20 yards away, and held my prized dagger in my palm. I then threw it, but the man turned in time to see me and the flying knife, and dodged it, then a flurry of grass whirled around me, and the next thing I knew I was somewhere dimly lit, and underground.

“Where...am I?! Who are you?!” I heard a devious laugh in the far corner of the room. I just barely made out that horrible face among the dark. “The real question is: who am I? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” God, please help me. “Why did you kill my friends?!” I practically screamed. “One of them is next to you, the rest are dead.” I turned my head as much as I could with my bonds, and gazed at poor Lindsey. She was slowly gaining consciousness. “Mergahurgz...” she mumbled. “WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!” I screeched.

“Well, the girl is gonna have my baby, and you’re gonna marry us two together. Then your friends-” he gestured to my other side- “are gonna throw the party. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” I looked to my right, and yelled as I stared at the skeletons of my old friends. I thought I saw a scrap of flesh on one of them, which looked like Valerie’s. Wholly MOTHER of microwaved hot dogs. “Then you will work to feed our baby. HAHEHAHAHEHAHEHAHEHAHAHAHAHEHAHEHE!”

The murderer’s head snapped to the left. “Oh, more party people coming! Looks like a rescue party, here to rescue the fun! TEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!” The floor below the freak of nature gave way, and the deranged hippie disappeared. “Lindsey! Lindsey! We have to find a way to escape this place!!! ” I managed to prod her with my elbow. Who knew grass could be so strong!

“It seems pretty clear that we’re gonna die, Stan!” She sobbed. I gave her a hard, determined look. “It’s good to try, Lindsey. It’s always good to try.” I managed to break out my poison darts, another weapon that I had just in case. The gun was still unloaded, and I just...grabbed them. It would’ve been the death of the microwaved hot dogs lord if I didn’t know where to pick them up at. I accidentally shoved out my journal. “Woops!” I then pulled the trigger to open the liquid compartment, careful not to get myself, and got part of the grass.

It wilted like crazy. “Yes!” I then got Lindsey out too, and I picked up my journal. We made a run for it. But as soon as we ran just a few feet, the microwaved hot dog slayer appeared out of nowhere, part of him ROTTING away! “But we haven’t even had the chipmunk-flavored cake yet! HOOHEE!!!” He got me with a weed right in the middle of my face.

I screamed. I didn’t know what to do now. The man seemed to be trying to head himself with the grass. I scrambled up, and kicked him, square in the groin. “AYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” He screamed. He gave me a menacing, dirty look, and held a ball of green light in his hands. “I didn’t learn the dark arts of plants for nothing. I guess we’ll have to do without YOU as priest! CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNNDDD DDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGG!!!”

I held open my book defensively, knowing very well that it was the end.

I screamed.

The orb of light shot toward me.

Suddenly I felt a tingle in my hands.

I looked up.

He was gone, Lindsey was still knocked out, and there was an eerie glow around my journal. The book suddenly transmitted all of my previous thoughts and every thing else since the last time I wrote in it on the paper, and closed abruptly.

11:28, December 21, 2012.Kaira’s apartment, Apple Valley, CA.

Kaira stared at that page, thinking wow... just-just...WOW! She flipped the page. There

was a tiny little plant sticking out of the book. “What the-” Suddenly plants shot out of the book, and she lost consciousness before she could even scream. “IN HERE!!! HURRY, IN THE NAME OF HOT DOGOPOLIS!!!” Mr. Linden screamed. Mr. Linden and Lindsey Yonders scrambled up the stairs, into the room.

Lindsey just happened to come over that day, in fear of the apocalypse that the Mayans apparently thought was gonna happen. She had surprised him at her house, and a police chase, a defective car wash, and a hot dog later they were breaking into Kaira’s apartment. “GOD, SHE’S OPENED IT!!! BURN IT NOW!!!” Lindsey shrieked in her old lady voice. Mr. Linden then burned everything in sight, and a few minutes later, the two were staring at the ruins of the old building.

[muddweekly]

My First Couple of Months During COVID

A joke circled around on Twitter that says future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in. It really has been quite a year so far. If 2020 was a symphony, the exposition (a major and repeated part in a song/symphony) would be COVID. Personally, I experienced the pandemic in three movements so far.

Part I - COVID Hit Asia. Yes, it’s real and deadly.

Back in December 2019, I found buried under a myriad of Chinese news one or two pieces of reporting about this mysterious lung decease. I forwarded it to my family in Asia and a friend from Wuhan. None of them knew anything about it. We all thought it would blow over just like a regular flu. Fast forward to late January, my parents and I were vacationing in Joshua Tree when the Wuhan lockdown news broken. Things suddenly got very serious. I remember whenever we had internet on that trip, we checked news on COVID. The number of cases started in the hundreds, then quickly went through the roof. I could clearly recall the anxiety in the are during that time. We didn’t have enough information on the concerning disease, so we refreshed our phones constantly, hoping to grasp the first piece of new information that’s somewhat trustworthy. Then in addition to medical information, the news also included airport and road closures, as well as Lunar New Year holiday extensions in China. The situation worsened drastically from day to day. To me, not having enough information in this age of info explosion on the internet was a novel and strange experience. At some point, we added mask purchase to our itinerary. We naively thought we would not have problem buying masks in the US. Boy, were we wrong. Only one of the tens of stores we went to had hand sanitizers, and none had masks - people in the LA area acted fast. That was when the panic truly kicked in - whatever we expected, the reality was worse, whether it was the disease itself or the shortage of masks. The mask shopping experience in LA was engraved in my mind and it turned out to be hugely helpful later on.

Part II - COVID was uncovered in New York

It was mid March when COVID hit NYC. It was incorrect to say “hit”, because there were probably many cases of COVID during Feb in NYC already. Global travel went on as usual in JFK, EWD, etc when Asia was battling with COVID. When I rode the subway everyday then, I experienced this delusional sense of peace and quietness before a storm that COVID just wouldn’t come to the US. But of course, as soon as testing started (thanks to the brave doctor Helen Chu), we found the situation was already pretty bad all over the coasts. The night when the Seattle nursing home COVID cases were reported, George and I went to the nearby stores and bought bottles of hand sanitizers. When we learned we didn’t buy enough for friends (they could not find any near them), we went back the second day, and there were none to be found. That night, George and I talked to my parents, who were still under regional lockdown in their home at the time. This was after weeks of city-wide quarantine since late Jan, during which they had to stay in their apartment the whole time and could only get food delivered, and during which they saw ambulances taking neighbors away through the windows. In those weeks, I could hear the anxiety in my parents voices even over the phone. After learning more about my parents experiences with the first wave of COVID in Asia, it became clear to us that we needed to take actions ourselves.

Part III - “I hope you are ready to melt snow for cooking, under this flashlight”

It was 7pm in a mid spring day. It was completely dark and quiet. Snowflakes were flying outside of our window. We lost electricity again. Of course there was no internet either.  It had been several weeks since we frantically left New York. Even though we physically left New York, it took much longer to accept it, and even harder, accept the state our world was in. Things just got worse and worse. There was no good news. The US was dealing with COVID, while Asia and part of Europe were dealing with the COVID aftermath - massive hits on businesses and jobs. A sense of impending doom was hanging over everyone’s head. Close friends lost jobs. Doctors and nurses on the frontline fell and some never came back. We felt hopeless and helpless. The ambitions we had pre-COVID to change the world seemed so trivial, naive, and fragile. Feeling the dread for a lasting period of time, I often glued to my computer hoping something online would distract me. Earlier on this snowy evening, I was doing just that again when the lights flickered. I bended down to check the plugs on the floor. Then I saw it happen - the “on” light on the plug extension flashed once, then went dark, taking away everything that emits light and makes noises in the space. Suddenly it went very quiet. It was like a flashback of mid March in NYC with COVID. I saw it happen right in front of me. I knew It was going to be bad but there was nothing I could do about it. The sense of control and ease from the abundance of choices I had were gone. All I could do was staring at the snow with my cabin mates. It was not completely dark outside yet, I could still make out the trajectories of snow dancing in the wind. It was so beautiful. We sat like that for 20 minutes or so until it went completely dark. As I began to accept that we were going to have to melt snow to cook and then put on everything we brought to go to sleep (no heat), I felt peaceful for the first time in month. As I came to terms with the dark snowy night, I started to accept COVID as well at that moment.

Extra: Thank you Conan O’Brien

When we lost electricity, which happened several times, my phone only had enough signals for a podcast. So podcasts were a big part of my life in the COVID spring. The one podcast I have come to love since then is Conan O’brien Needs a Friend. In all its silliness, the messages are loud and clear. For one, Humor doesn’t have to be dark and meaningful to be good. It could just be silly and delightful. And pure delight is important. For example (not a great one), I just realized people in my industry use both “recharge” and “unplug” to describe essentially the same things. To translate them in emojis, they read as ⛔️🔌->🔋. If you really think about it, it’s literally an oxymoron - how could you “recharge” if you are unplugged! But ofc it means to unplug your devices, and to “recharge” yourself. It’s interesting to me that we are using machine states to describe human energy level. This example, like many other trivial but delightful things, is not talking about big important topics like class struggles or racial inequalities, but it is meaningful in its own ways. It reminds me of the joy of metaphors and word plays. And for a moment, I get a break from all the pain in the world. These delights from silly and fun things like this here and there collectively give me enough energy to deal with other difficult and unexpected things in life. Another surprisingly wholesome message from the podcast is that good things, such as quality jokes, come from consistent hard work. Conan, for one, puts in a lot of work to write and create everyday even though he makes being funny seems so easy. Thank you Conan (along with Sona and Matt) for making me literally L.O.L. lots during this dark time, and more importantly, inspiring me to start working hard and creating again.

[makingbabyk]

November 26 2019

Today has been a day. The way it was scheduled was supposed to be thus: Work until 1pm, get to the clinic by 1:30pm in order to sign in for my tube test, then my counselling session was scheduled for 4:30pm, which was supposed to be that late since I was told I might not get out of the tube test until 3:30 or 4pm.

The tube test’s start at 2pm and are first come, first served. When I got there I was number 3 on the list, so I settled in and prepared to wait an hour. I was surprised to be called back just 20 minutes later, where I learned the Doc doing the test that day had had a cancellation and was going to start early, plus the two people ahead of me on the list weren’t in the clinic for some reason, so I got to go first.

The test was AWFUL. They put a catheter up to my cervix, inject a dye and insert a trans-vaginal ultrasound and take a look to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked or not. Pressure against the cervix hurts like a mofo, so the catheter was awful, and they had to inject dye a few different times which I could feel every time. They could see my left tube fine, it was completely clear. But the right tube they couldn’t really see, apparently it was hiding behind some part of my large intestine or something. Though they did say I had a really nice follicle maturing on the right side. 

After the test I got dressed and went to reception to find out where I had to go for my counselling session, and since it wasn’t even 2:30 at that point, I asked if they could check and see if the counsellor could get me in earlier. Thankfully Jan, the counsellor, was free right then so I only had to go down a floor and wait a few minutes before getting in to see her.

I was very nervous about that session, but she was lovely. I told her why I was going through this process, and we talked about my support network, what’s been going on in my life the last few years, the donor selection process. Everything. She seemed really happy with my answers and said she felt I was very well prepared for this process. She also encouraged me to attend a support group she runs for single folks having kids on their own. It meets the 4th Thursday of each month, so I’m going to try and go this week. It’ll be a good networking opportunity, and, according to Jan, it’s a great resource of like minded people. Apparently, they're a pretty close group and they even have a holiday social in January and a big party in August. I’m looking forward to checking it out. 

So now I’ve just got to wait until my follow up on December 4, where Dr Dv and I will go over the next steps and decide when to start. 

More to come….

December 5, 2019

So I went to the support group last week and it was wonderful. Everyone had something to say and a story to share. Lots of questions were asked and we were all able to give our perspectives, it was really great.

I have my follow up with Dr Dv yesterday and it went great. I got there about 10 minutes early and ended up waiting a bit for her, but just before she came and got me the counsellor, Jan, was walking through the clinic and stopped to chat with me. 

Then Dr. Dv came and we went back to her office to go over everything.

All of my results came back good. My AMH, which measures ovarian reserve, came back about mid range, which is good because being too high can mean you have PCOS (poly-cycstic Ovarian syndrome). My CBC was a bit wonky, which she thought might mean I didn’t drink enough water so we redid that test. And everything else was normal or at least expected based on my past physicals.

Then we went over my options and decided on a game plan. Basically we’re going with a medicated IUI. I’ll be taking Letrozole for 5 days during my cycle to encourage two follicles to mature, instead of the usual one. That will double my chances of one fertilizing. It also increases your chances of multiples, but, as she said, that change goes up to 7-15%, however in her time she hasn’t seen it in 5% of cases, so she’s not overly concerned. The goal is to for me to get pregnant within 3 cycles.

The other options were no drugs with IUI, which would mean less chance of pregnancy each cycle, and we’d probably try 6 cycles before re-evaluating. Or we could go straight to IVF, which she thought was extreme given my age. If I was closer to or over 40 she might recommend it, but she didn’t think it would be necessary.

The plan is to skip my next cycle, since that would probably put insemination right over Christmas, and start in January. Based on my calculations, but January cycle with start January 3 or 4 and then the schedule will be:

Day 2 or 3: go in for cycle monitoring. This will be bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr Dv will review the results that day and call me to tell me when I have to come in next and when to start taking Letrozole. 

Days 5-10: I need to go in to get the tube test done again. She wants to be able to see the tube they couldn’t see last time (my left one I think), she can’t do the insemination if the tube is blocked and that’s the side the egg will be released from that month. During this time I’ll probably have to go in every few days for cycle monitoring to see how things are progressing.

Day11+: Insemination sometime after day 10. I’ll continue to go in for cycle monitoring and when Dr Dv see the eggs are getting ready to release in the next day or two, she’ll call me and tell me when to come in for insemination.

After insemination there’s the dreaded two week wait before pregnancy testing (I believe that’s blood and another ultrasound) and I get to see if it worked. If it didn’t then we start all over again the next cycle.

It’s kinda crazy that this is going to happen so soon, yet January also feels so far away lol. I definitely don’t want to get started any sooner, but I’m glad it’s happening at the beginning of the month.

More to come…. 

December 7, 2019

I’ve been trying to put into words how I’m feeling, but the words aren’t coming. So to put it plainly…

I’m feeling anxious and maudlin, maybe because I’m sleep deprived

A lot of my high school friends who have kids that are already in school are posting about christmas and it’s making me ache for a baby

I’m terrified that I’m making a mistake doing this alone

I’m worried because it feels like this is happening to easily for me, and I honestly think it should be harder. But I also don’t want to borrow trouble so I’m trying to ignore that feeling, but it wasn’t helping. 

I’m debating going back to Jan, the counsellor, for another session. But I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts to myself, so I’m not confident in my ability to make sense to her.

On top of this I’m moving February 1 and the movers are going to run me about $600+, which is about 50% more than I paid last time. So that’s going to cut into my cash flow for cycles, but I guess that’s what credit cards and overtime is for. I’m going to work as much overtime the next two weeks as I can get away with, so I can bank as much cash as possible. It’s a bit of a mess, but I’m done my christmas shopping, so I should be able to control my expenses over the next couple of months much better. I mean, how much do I really need to eat? I’m joking, well I’m serious in that if I cut out junk food (aka take out) I’ll save myself a boatload of money. I’ve also got a freezer full of stuff I should eat before moving, and it’s much healthier than what I usually eat for lunch.

I’m rambling, so I’m gonna log out now.

More to come….

January 7, 2020

Christmas and New Years have come and gone. It was a busy holiday season on top of a busy period at work. But I was able to crank out some decent overtime, which will pay for my movers at the end of the month, and also pay off some credit card bills to make some room for the fertility bills

My period is due to start today, which means day 2 or 3 is coming soon, and with that comes my first cycle monitoring appointment. I’m excited and terrified still, but it honestly doesn’t seem real some days. 

My move is happening at the end of this month, and my promotion, which I’ve been waiting for since October, should come through this month as well. But I’m not really holding my breath on that one. It’ll happen when it happens. 

I’m trying to be a realist and remember that the likelihood of insemination working on the first try is slim to non existent, but I’m hopeful it’ll work within three. 

Not much else to report I guess

More to come… 

January 8, 2020

My period finally started today. It was due yesterday, but it’s been at least a day or two early the last three months, so I was expecting it earlier. But of course that means it would come late. 

Regardless, it’s here now and that means cycle monitoring starts. First visit is Friday. 

More to come…

January 9, 2020

I go for my first cycle monitoring appointment tomorrow. I’m fucking terrified. 

What if I got the days wrong?

What if the cycle doesn’t start until my period is done?

What if I forget to sign up on one of the clip-boards?

What if they see something weird on the ultrasound and refuse to inseminate me?

What if. 

What if..

What if... 

I’m a fucking mess. 

More to come… 

January 10, 2020 (7:05 am)

Cycle monitoring today. Got here at 6:30am and the door was locked. Another woman showed up and we waited outside for a few minutes for one of the techs who was able to let us in. Then it was a wait until 7am when the office doors were opened. 

Had to sign up on ultrasound, Dr Dv and blood work clipboards (I didn’t screw it up!) and then take a seat. I was first in line so I’m number one for ultrasound, two for the Dr Dv (she’s going to call me anyway) and three for bloodwork. 

Now to wait. 

(7:45am)

I was done inside 30 minutes. Told work I was going to be an hour later. Instead I’m 15 minutes early. Needless to say I’m giggling at my desk over the absurdity of it all. 

Dr Dv will give me a call later this morning to let me know when to come in next and if I should start my meds yet.

I also booked my 2nd tube test for January 14, which will be a bucket of fun I’m sure.

I did meet a couple of nice ladies in the line outside the office, one was a first timer like me, and the other is on her 2nd cycle. It felt good to recognize a couple of faces as I moved through the office.

(9:10am)

Oh, and I turned my ankle on a pothole in the middle of an intersection on my way to the clinic this morning, so my right ankle is screaming, my left wrist (from catching myself as I went down) aches and my left knee was scraped. And the system at work is down. Hopefully It’ll come back before the end of the day, we’re supposed to do OT tomorrow (Saturday).

It’s been a day folks. 

(10:20am)

Of course the doc called while I was in my daily meeting. 

Blood work was good. I’m going to start the meds today, I need to take them for 5 days. And I go back for the next cycle monitoring on Day 11, which is Saturday Jan 18. I’ll see Dr Dv that day and IUI should be within a few days of that. Got to try and remember to ask if I can pay admin fees early and what the process looks like on the IUI day. 

(4:05pm)

They system never came back up and OT for tomorrow is cancelled. Monday is gonna be an adventure for sure.

More to come…

January 11, 2020

So I haven't really updated about the rest of my life here. 

I move at the end of the month, currently the movers are booked for January 31, but I’m hoping to get that changed to January 29, the mover cost will go down by $30 an hour if I can get it 2 days earlier. I’m going to the co-op this coming wednesday so I can take some measurements for windows, I also want to take some pictures and get an idea on where the best place to park the moving truck is. I’m hoping the building has a service elevator and I won’t just have to use the main elevators. But I’m not counting on it. 

I’ve also been working on getting a promotion at work. It was supposed to come through in October but it didn’t. My manager just told me he was working on it. 

Well on New Years Eve I had a short conversation with him about leaving early, everyone else on the team had been bugging him about leaving 30 minutes early, at 4pm, but since 4pm is my regular end time i didn’t say anything. Until we got to 3:45pm and all my work was done, plus there was only a few end of day transactions left, so I asked if I could leave then and he told me I should stay and help my teammates finish their work. Needless to say I felt like he was saying I wasn’t a team player, and that really angered me. I ended up leaving at exactly 4pm without saying anything to anyone and it took a few days for me to calm down and not be so upset by it. After spending a couple of days thinking about it, I realized most of my anger was about my frustration over this promotion. So I went in and talked to him about it. I made sure to be clear that I was upset by the conversation we’d had, and he was very understanding. He appreciated me coming to him and apologized for what was mainly him not being clear and not really thinking about what I was asking for as a person, he was mostly focussed on the team as a whole. 

Then I explained my frustration over the promotion, and how it was mostly rooted in the fact that I didn’t know WHY it wasn’t happening. He explained that it was his and our directors fault, they were not being as quick as they should be in getting the new job description for my role completed. It’s annoying and very frustrating, but at least I know why, and it should be completely this month. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll backdate it, though I’m not holding my breath. 

Over all it’s been an interesting start to the year and the rest of 2020 is probably going to be just as fun. 

More to come….

January 13, 2020

So this entry might not stay in, but I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.

Let me start by saying that I understand that I made the decision to take this journey on my own. I am fully aware that I don’t have anyone else going to appointments with me, or anyone holding my hand when I have procedures done. 

But nonetheless I’m disappointed. When I’ve spoken about this taking this journey with other people, I’ve gotten a lot of excited and happy responses. Everyone has been thrilled for me, and seemed really impressed that I’m going for this on my own. But once the journey actually started… things changed.

Either the people who said they wanted to be there aren’t, or they don’t seem at all interested in the process. I feel like I’m doing a lot of talking, providing a lot of information, that no one is asking for. I’ve made no secret of when my doctors appointments are, but I never get “hey, how’d it go?” from the people who, previously, were the most excited about it. 

So I’ve made the choice to stop talking about it, unless you ask. I’m starting to feel selfish and like I’m giving you too much information that you don’t want, and that’s not fair to you, or a good feeling for me. 

Instead I’ll focus on chronicling my journey here, and sharing with my support group. And if people want to know, or come to me with “why haven’t I gotten an update?” I’ll tell them. 

But I can’t be the one who starts every conversation. I can’t be the one always doing the reaching out. 

I’m going to start being selfish in a different way, I’m going to start taking care of myself. If you want to know, ask. And if you don’t, well, don’t worry, I won’t bother you with my issues from now on.

More to come… 

January 14, 2020

Today was my second tube test. To say I wasn’t looking forward to it is an understatement but I needed to get it done since one tube was blocked from view last time. The Dr Dv won’t do IUI if she sees the egg is about to release on the side that they couldn’t get a view of. And they won’t know which side it is until IUI day so I’d end up wasting over $1000 if they couldn’t get a clear view. 

So I got off work at 1pm and headed to the clinic. I was signed in (number 1 on the list) at 1:20pm and settled in for what I’d hoped would only be a 40 minute wait. 

Needless to say, when it hit 2:40 and I was still waiting, I was less than impressed. 

The nurse called me around 2:50 and told me I needed to pee in a cup so they could confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Then she took me to the room where I got undressed. And then proceeded to wait another 30 minutes. Twice someone came in and told me the Dr was delayed, the second time I was less than polite in my reply. 

Dr L came in about 3:20. He was nice enough, for someone who didn’t feel the need to even introduce himself. But he told me everything he was doing before he did it, told I was doing really well, and was done in under 5 minutes. So I’ve forgiven him for making me wait so fucking long. 

Anyway, both tubes are clear! 

On Saturday I’ll go in for another cycle monitoring appointment and see Dr Dv that day. She’ll have a better idea of when IUI day will be at that point. 

Holy crap I could be getting inseminated this time next week. That’s crazy. 

Now it’s home to do a bit of packing and go to bed early. 

More to come….

January 18, 2020 (7:50am)

Cycle monitoring again today. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday to get blood drawn and an ultrasound up my vagina is not a fun way to start the weekend. 

Doesn’t help that my stomach is unimpressed with me. Not sure if that’s nerves or what. I’m feeling a bit bloated and cramps, which is weird for this point in my cycle. It could be I’m hyper aware of my body because of this process, or maybe it’s the drugs. Or maybe it all in my head. Who knows. 

(10:45am)

Just got home from the appointment. Dr Dv says I have two nice looking follicles. One at 17mm one at 19mm. She wants to give the 17mm one another day to grow so I have to go back tomorrow. 

So it’s another trip downtown tomorrow to check on that, and if I haven’t surged they’re going to give me a trigger shot to ensure I ovulate in the following 36 hours. Then Monday I’ll go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork followed by the IUI. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

(10:20pm)

I’m getting ready for bed and all the sudden I’m feeling very melancholy. I assume it’s the medication making me emotional, but honestly…. I’m having some doubt. I’m all alone. And even though I know I have people I could call if I need help, I’m unreasonably upset that I need to ask for it. 

I fully admit that this is my problem, and not anyone else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing someone would call and ask how things are going. Offer to help. Or even just want to hang out.  

I guess I’ve always been a loner, and if there isn’t an event of some kind, I’m not really the person people call just to chill. I don't really know why. And maybe I’m too old to change. 

Going to head to bed and hope tomorrow morning has me feeling better about everything. 

Another 6am day for cycle monitoring. 

More to come…

January 19, 2020 (7:38am)

Another day. Another cycle monitoring. 

Not feeling much better this morning. But all I can do is power through. I know I’m making the right choices for me, so a little doubt isn’t going to stop the journey now. 

January 20, 2020 (7:25am)

I wasn’t really in the mood to update yesterday. It took most of the day for me to shake the funk I’d gotten into. 

My bloodwork and ultrasound were good. Then I waited for quite awhile to see a Dr. Dr Dv wasn’t in yesterday so I ended up seeing Dr B. He was very nice and took the time to explain what would happen next, which I appreciated considering how insane the clinic was yesterday morning. 

He confirmed IUI for today, and said I needed the trigger shot. 

So after talking to him I went and waited for a few more minutes for the nurse who took me back for the shot and then explained the IUI-day process even more. 

She then took me to reception to pay for the trigger shot ($108) and the IUI admin fee ($495) before I was free to go. 

I decided to take today as a personal day since I’m not sure what the day is going to be like and I’m not feeling 100%, mentally, still. 

I got here at 6:30 this morning and waited, as always, for the clinic to open. At 7am I signed in for ultrasound, blood and to see Dr Dv. Since I was so high on the lists I decided to wait until after they were done to head to andrology to sign and have my donor sperm thawed and prepped. 

Blood and ultrasound went fine and the signing was quick. So now I’m waiting for the Dr to call me back. I’m not sure if I’m meeting her before I go back to be inseminated or not. 

But I do know I’ve got an hour before anything happens. Thankfully they’ve got wifi and I brought a book. 

(8:38am)

It’s been just over an hour and now I’m getting nervous again. 

I really don’t want to do this alone. But I’ll power through. 

(9:49am)

I’m lying here for the ten minute wait. The insemination went well and after this I just have to get my suppositories from the nurse and go home. 

Facebook just told me it’s apparently blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Not gonna lie, I kinda like that this was my insemination date. 

(11:45am)

It honestly doesn’t feel real. I’ll be using progesterone suppositories until February 2, when I go in for a pregnancy test. 

The dreaded two week wait. 

Thankfully I’ll be busy with packing, moving and unpacking which should hopefully keep me distracted enough to not obsess over it all. 

We’ll see. 

More to come….

January 21, 2020

So the last couple of days have been a bit of a train wreck for me, emotionally. I’ve just been feeling very down, and having some doubts about pretty much everything. I also didn’t get nearly as much packing done as I wanted to this weekend. 

But yesterday a friend reached out and asked me how the day went. It helped me remember that there are some people who care about what I’m going through right now.

Okay, that’s not fair. I know all of my friends and family care, but I can tell they don’t know how to handle this process, so they’ve pretty much decided to stay hands off. Which is their choice. It’s just a bit isolating.

Anyway, I texted with K for a bit and went to bed feeling less alone that I had during the day. 

Got up this morning and it’s back into the work routine. Unfortunately I wasn’t the only person who took an unexpected day yesterday, so the workload is a bit of a mess. And I had to make it clear to the team that I wouldn’t be working any overtime until after my January 29 move day, because I have too much to do.

Now to power through the rest of the day and get some packing done when I get home.

The next 12 days are going to be interesting, that’s for sure.

More to come…

[leiyahime]

A Distant Song  - Summer Challenge

Ufff Finally done with the chapter... sorry it’s so late.

I don’T know if I’ll be able to deliver a chapter on Friday since a friend comes to visit until Saturday.But of course I’ll try my best!

But now have fun with today’s chapter...

Chapter 16

 As Tsukumo had prophesied Kase was furious when he learned the band had helped renovating a restaurant instead of working on their music. What if anyone had fallen off a ladder? What if anyone had got hurt? They were artists as they so often emphasized. So they had to avoid any dangers!!

The band listened to him tried to look as guiltily as they could and then handed him a USB-stick with four different drafts for new songs: The creative output of the last two weeks. Really, Kase should not be so harsh. They did their work, right? They had been as creative as they hadn’t been in a long time. When they all worked together the results were the best.

 But well, the following months Kase didn't skip a chance to remind Shuusei of his supposed insufficiency. Shuusei did his best to resist and to remind Kase on every written word of his contract. He was not supposed to do model jobs. But the longer it went the worse Shuusei felt. Was it really not enough what he did? Perhaps Kase was right. He was not as creative as he used to be. He used to find inspiration in about everything around him. The way the sun shone through the leaves of a tree or the glistening of sunlight on a river, the cherry blossoms and autumn leaves; the way children played with their dogs when he took a walk through a park, the way people busily hasted through overcrowded shopping streets or just watching cars driving through drizzling rain. But when he looked around now he almost felt nothing. No inspiration for a new melody or words which could possibly become part of a new song text. It was like he had become blind for the beauty of his surroundings which had always inspired him. He was much too occupied with the thoughts of how he could best overcome his own insufficiency.

 He tried not to let the others notice, but they all worried about him, told him he should take some days off to get a better view for the things, and they had tried to arbitrate between Kase and Shuusei. They knew Shuusei for almost ten years now and they had barely seen him this imbalanced. And if they were honest - not that they would say anything to Shuusei - it had a negative impact on the band and their creative work as well.

 Even when they got Shuusei convinced to take a few days off the thoughts followed him. And he even felt worse because now he was really slacking off. Or at least he felt like slacking off. Hotsuma took two days off during that time and dragged Shuusei out of Tokyo just to distance him from his job, but even that helped just for a very limited time. As soon as he had to deal with his manager again he started to feel worse once more. He had been able to work a bit on this very short holiday trip but that would not be enough in the future and he again started to feel more and more exhausted.

 So one very cloudy, very chilly mid-December evening, Hotsuma was still at work, Shuusei was on his laptop and looked for better ways to stay productive besides the caffeine pills he now took for quite a time. He had spent now two hours on research and it was only when he suddenly realized that he was just looking up how to get his hands on illegal drugs and had opened a dubious online pharmacy that he clapped his laptop shut and stared into the void.

He had never wanted to sink this low and he was shocked about how close he had been to order some Methylphenidate or similar stuff in a barely legal way. Nervously he brushed his fingers through his hair. He couldn't go on like this, right? It was late but nevertheless he got the phone and scrolled through the entries until he found the one for is former psychologist who had helped him during the time the band got really famous - a fact he had to learn to deal with at that time. He really needed help if he wanted to get through this without getting insane or giving in to the temptation of doing something illegal.

 Thankfully he reached the therapist soon and could ask for help before his panic of his almost-deed had vanished and he could make a new appointment.

 He was deeply in thought and playing on his guitar when Hotsuma came home that night so the blond noticed that something was really amiss with his friend. But he didn't know whether he should talk to him or not. Shuusei didn't even seem to notice him, and Hotsuma hated to see his friend like this. But he decided to leave Shuusei alone for the moment and sat down at the laptop.

 Confusedly Shuusei looked up when he noticed someone standing directly in front of him.

 "Hotsuma?" He asked inquiring what led his friend to this stern expression.

 "Have you ordered it?" Hotsuma asked sternly and Shuusei looked at him. It took a few seconds until he understood. The laptop on the table was open and Shuusei remembered that he hadn't touched it so as soon as Hotsuma had opened it he must have seen the online pharmacy.

 "No. I haven't." he replied. "But I was too close..." Shuusei put the guitar aside and buried his face in his hands.

 Hotsuma sat down next to him. "But you wanted to?" he asked. He wanted, no needed to make sure Shuusei was okay and not on his way into something he could not get out of.

 "It seemed only logical at first... If the caffeine is too weak to keep me productive I'll need something stronger... I realized what I was doing before I hit the 'submit order' button. I promise! I did not order it!" Shuusei looked at his friend eyes begging him to believe his words.

 Hotsuma nodded and put a hand on Shuusei's shoulder. "What can I do to help you? I can't just watch how you're ruining yourself." he asked quietly.

 "I don't know... I've called my therapist to ask for help... I have an appointment on Friday morning..."

 "That’s... good." Hotsuma smiled a bit. He was relieved that Shuusei knew that he had hit a low point. Although he felt sad that it had come to this.

 He didn't think much about it but out of an instinct he had pulled Shuusei into a tight embrace. "I swear I'm here for you. If anything worries you I will listen to you. And I will help you as good as I can." he said. It wasn't much but he needed to take care of his friend right now. He felt that Shuusei returned the embrace and it felt like he was holding onto a life line which kept him from drowning. And he was glad that Shuusei allowed him to be this close to him.

~~~

 The next morning Shuusei found a box in the fridge with a post it note on it: "For Shuusei."

 He took it out and opened it, just to find a beautifully arranged bento. He smiled weakly. But he was touched. This was a new way for Hotsuma to show him how much he cared for him. It had been late at night when Shuusei had finally found the strength to go to bed. He didn't know how long he had been there in Hotsuma's arms, but it had been a long time until he had felt calm enough again to let go of his friend. They had then sat by each other’s side and Shuusei had just let it all out all that had dragged him down lately, all the hurtful sentences from Kase which had destroyed his self esteem bit by bit. And Hotsuma had just listened. He couldn't do much but listening alone had helped Shuusei.

 And now he found this piece of care and love in form of his lunch. He didn't want to know how long Hotsuma had been awake for this.

And so Shuusei in turn tried to prepare a special breakfast for Hotsuma: A classic Japanese breakfast with rice and miso soup and fish and pickled vegetables. He simply wanted to say thank you. Then he took care of their laundry before he left to work. He dreaded meeting Kase but perhaps he would stay away today.

 ~~~

 A week passed and every morning Shuusei found a new bento box in the fridge. And every morning he tried his best to prepare his still sleeping friend an equally nice breakfast although it was a fact that Hotsuma was more skilled in the kitchen. But he didn’t know another way to thank him for his extra work besides preparing the best breakfasts he could and doing a small part of the chores assigned to Hotsuma.

 On Friday morning he had his first appointment with his therapist which went as well as it could be. And they decided to continue on a weekly schedule. Shuusei didn’t feel great afterwards but he knew it would help him in the future. So he appeared at work and put his bento into their freezer.

 “Again?” Ria asked curiously and Shuusei nodded.

 “Shuusei? Are you alright?” Touko asked clearly worried. “You seem a bit distracted lately...”

 Shuusei sighed and sat down. “No... not really.” He hadn’t told his friends about his nearly slip-up yet. But he should not keep it a secret. So he told them and that he had asked for help and would be late every Friday from now on unless they were away for concerts.

 “But you really didn’t order it?” Sairi asked sternly.

 “I didn’t. Really.”

 “Can you swear it?”

 Shuusei didn’t want it to become much of a topic but he could understand Sairi who had lost an uncle to drug abuse five years ago.

 “I swear by my guitars that I didn’t order the stuff.” And everyone knew Shuusei’s instruments were his dearest possessions. “Sairi... I don’t want to end in a severe addiction as well.”

 Sairi looked at his friend and then put a hand on his shoulder.

 “It’s okay. If anything happens you can talk to us as well. We are here for you. You listen to our worries as well on a daily basis. We are friends.” The tall man said and Shuusei nodded.

“I know. Thank you.” Shuusei smiled weakly but honestly.

 “Good.” Sairi fell silent for a few seconds. “So your bentos...”

 “I found the first the morning after that night.” Shuusei admitted.

 “Haaah, this must be love!” Ria sighed, but Shuusei just shrugged.

 “Really Shuusei, why don’t you tell him you love him?” Touko proposed “You can’t deny you do. We know you long enough. There’s no need for Kase to find out.”

 Shuusei sighed. “I’m not supposed to have a relationship as we all are,” he reminded his friends.

 “And? As I said no one needs to know.”

 Shuusei shook his head. “Touko... I can’t...”

 “Why? We won’t tell anyone right?” She looked at the others who nodded.

 “Or just start an affair? No one needs to know you’re serious,” Ria proposed.

 “I will not play with my best friend!” Shuusei exclaimed. That was out of question. “Besides... I can’t force Kase to obey every single word of my contract while I myself bend them as I wish. You know what he’d do if he found out.”

 A silence fell over the room.

 “I can’t tell Hotsuma as long as the contract stays as it is or Kase is our manager,” Shuusei added.

 The others nodded slowly. They wanted to help their friend but it was hardly possible besides keeping the manager off Shuusei’s heels.