#aaaand my acne is getting so bad again

[anoms-world]

im sorry you feel this way about me my free spirit has died over and over again because its trapped and cant see no options around its not that i dont have negative side its just bring back bad memories so i would block emotions completly its not bc of you as you think its just happened and i dont know how and im gratefull for that its gave me so many mental aptronaties

they tend to way too serous about lttle details not they fake emotions through playing feelinf and thinking and being silent they fake how they feel throug playong emotions and being lowd they way too short tp that they choose to pretend fake emotion most the time they patint so they choose to pplay fake feeling blindly most the time limitet eneregy leve;bc the fake emotion yet nn replay bitteness toward themself and others sometimes without realising high eneregy bc feeling doesnt requde energy yet their real feeling replay guilt toward themself and others sometimes without realiseng objective personal

they well never considirate aor sympathithy with you even if they did cause they will considare about what appeal to them and its about them self after all considerate in a silent way as a pleaser or considarete in loawd way as a teaser and it doesnt help each ather as they wish to believe

never ever tell them about what bother you they will use it againt you espicalyy if you are a mouse then you know what i mean you well run overe and over again try to please them all as pleasing your self to finally you are running from yourself seperated by their complete influence and not by an ego seems this is the price of not having an ego you become seperated and lost or afraid

i feel happy for doing what i want for the dirst time it feel nice to defens myself sometimes sense i dont do that alot wondering about the price the unknown price the things i doubt were true all this time

salt water before (morning) potasium protien food (egg or date)(no salt no kidding when breaking fast) nnnn fruit is the best for breaking prolonged fast or protien for normal fast

(AFTERNOOON) sugar first (if fruit) or protien or non/ white carbs coffee/sugar (thiamine in oat help metabolis carbs) nnn around early work out (fasting or not) with carbs with protien or sugar no fat mmmmm chromium grean tew cinamon two days seperately full fast capsaicin curcumin green te never mix carb and fat it increase dopamine addiction hyper fat unless u r active seems bit ok

(night) little salt fiber less carb and lastly fat food (salt caused acne for some reason) cacao spiking insulin ok here nnnnn work better with fasting work and heat more fiber to adapt fat potasium water while fasting

seeing alot of 1111 not sure the thoughts im receiving mine or not for some ppl asking for help is like asking for hell with way much attchn that make you regret beside your pain is completly ignored with their blind selfish noisy loud enerigitic storm oh asking for something else aaand doubled the storm lmao oh ask for something else and you will be insane and maybe you will be attacked with way much pleasure then they just wondering why after the attack loool its just like saying my foot hurt and they will step on it while ignoring the whole thing and maybe lough if they notice aaaand ignore again they really believe in themself huh looks like an active massive ego on the play to me yet too clever to comberhence i really wonder about my ego i have a weird shaked one that doesnt get me anywhere even if tryed yet feels good on rare ocatin and thats enuogh for me not greedy after all yet love to talk it through an emotional ego without natural act its just skrewed on so many level to be attacked even before to think about it almost like animals and noises if we dont considerate at all i wonder alot about the need to attack someone even when no one there or being obssesed about something and want to share when no one there why activies arent allowed here to feel better and become better verstion i wonder if being weak is better for some type of ego unless they running from their mental ego and think its ok to attack others with action they were extremly rude wen i was wek hurt my small hope that i send toward them

feel it let it go dont trust it when it confidant wispering and hungury talk to it what did you ecsept after that? everything doesnt matter right? you are scared why are you afraid of your own death and words? am i doing it wrong? am i weak? did i break time? are we all gonna die forgetting? i dont want to forget so thanks for reminding me you are the blind answer without question so you rushed blindly to question and im sorry for that for forgeting your matter its bc im weak and at the edge and there are not much to forget or to question beside being trapped irl therefor trapped mentelaty which chance do i have? when i need many chances not only one so if something tryied to shake the mentaly with nonsense no obbjective matter will only drive it insane like as if it was possesed its always have been a thoughts of broken passion of chained map to find if not somewhere all i ever needed were chances and silent part er that doesnt mention my weakness only every while as claiming to be helpfull somehow lmao at zero point we all back to be the based animal we were dont be mad and have fun lol disapper and good luck gues what they steped on you whole now and guess what you screamed cant take it anymore and they threatned you with more now nothing is protected and at peace as we like to think espically when you stuck with other pure animals spirits oh and commencation about what bother you doesnt make it any better WTF its almost like casting a quick spell on yea quick you dumb angry aand slow almost want to live in the roof if i can i just want to hide now from loudness beside dreaming about chances and silence cant find my rythem and natural routine anymore without being attacked by others having my sugar level high and losisng apitite a mouse after all a real mouse with little noises a language no one can understand.. seems its written to fight tho i hate it just to be in peace like just now being here being exist (i was lucky by uniq spirit oh that other spirit dousnt shut it at all) when nothing to lose as much they afraid to lose reputaion and hope aaand almost everything that why blocking everything was way much easier not for them sshh its just a matter of time for new order new born new run new play nothing change just new screams new dreams' ut funny she asked me if simething hurt yea my pride want to live alone to have some privacy or have permenat death 621

she hurt me everyday that i dont even recoginize when i am upset with her

some ppl just dont want any good for you or even considaret

and rather want to control you even when you weak

i lost my emotional innecent way too soon with them some ppl are way too imaginative about what they want its terrifying that send me to permenant dream state to save me from myself from the blind one

[cowboylikemeg]

goodnight

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #91

“does he love you the way that i do?”

would you rather have stars in the sky or the moon? moon do you ever stop and appreciate little things?  all the time. what is the worst natural disaster you’ve experienced firsthand? hurricanes do you cuddle with your pet (if you have one)?  yeah! you are completely alone with your favorite celebrity/person/whoever. what do you do?  just talk to him about stuff. if you had the power to instantly transform someone’s life (for the better), who would you choose to use this on?  off the top of my head, my mom. if a family member (or boyfriend/girlfriend, if you have one) happened to be infected by a zombie, how would you go about dealing with that situation? i'm a merciful person that doesn't want to see someone suffer. i'd kill them in the quickest way possible. if you were paralyzed from the neck down, would you still want to continue living? why or why not?  absolutely fucking not because that's just awful. has any medication you’ve taken ever made you sick? how so?  yeah. the mood stabilizer i'm on now, latuda, sometimes makes me so nauseous that i actually do get sick. did you ever listen to avril lavigne when you were younger?  dude she was like my crush full homo. i loved her. did you ever buy "now that’s what i call music" cds?  as a kid, my older sister did do you like turkey or ham more? ham. do you like rihanna? no. have you ever become good friends with someone you never met in person? most of my closest friends i've ever had i met online. what do you consider your default mood to be?  content have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty?  once. disgusting. favorite undertale character?  uhhh. asriel is honestly really cool. but i also love sans and papyrus. what do you think about lizards?  SO CUTE is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to?  walmart. the flourescent lighting makes me yawn. do you like any cover songs? which ones if you have any favorites?  sure. i love "hurt" by johnny cash, "another brick in the wall" by korn, "whiskey in the jar" by metallica... if you’re old enough, do you go clubbing on the weekends or not?  i've never been to a club. don't want to. what is/was your best subjects in school? science. have you ever gambled and won? i don't gamble. do you ever count the presents you're getting for birthdays or holidays? no! that's awful! be grateful for whatever you were given! do you have your ears pierced? twice in each earlobe. are you easily offended? sometimes. what is the best prank you have ever pulled?  i don't pull pranks. when you’re in a relationship, do you tend to be very physical? no. have you ever ended up dating someone you initially disliked? no. do you wear a lot of yellow? no. i don't like yellow. do you and your siblings actually look alike?  yeah. have you ever suffered from chronically bad acne? no. if you could own anyone’s autograph, and not be allowed to sell it, who would you choose?  mark fischbach's *heart eyes* how many dogs have you had, and do you remember all their names?  oh god. trigger, angel, harley, delilah, teddy, cali, bentley. how do you feel about snakes? i absolutely adore snakes. how many cats have you owned and can you remember their names? we have, without a doubt, had about 50 cats. there's no way i could remember all of them. were you sick a lot as a child? what illnesses plagued you the most? no. i like... never get sick. do you have any sinister or morbid tattoos? no, but i do have some pretty dark ones planned. do you feel that you are better than most humans? i mean some, sure, in regards to being better in temperment. i don't believe any human is ultimately "better" than the other, though, in essence. what is your favorite type of meat to eat? chicken or pork. have you ever dated a red-head? no. what do you call small children? (children, kids, tots, etc.)  kids how old were you when you took driver’s ed?  16 have you ever pet-sat for someone? yeah. what’s one theme song you will NEVER skip?  the one to "deadman wonderland" what’s something that gets much more hate than it deserves?  nickelback. like shut up, you like at least one of their songs lol what show/movie never gets old for you? the shrek series lol are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? not anymore are you happier now or three months ago? now! how old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? i don't want kids. do you think you’ll be married in ten years? probably? what do you miss most about your ex? my most recent ex, all the things we had in common, i guess. my "main" ex, i miss a lot of things about him, but more than anything, i miss him actually being a caring person. are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? no. how long have you liked the person you like? since late 2011. are you one of those people who are always cold? people usually tell me my skin is freezing, but i'm typically very hot. if you won a trip to a nude beach would you go or give the trip away? i'd definitely give it away. tongue piercings - cute or trashy? i honestly find them cute. when it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? skinny would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? ballerina. ballet is beautiful. honestly - can you say that looks don’t matter at ALL? you can't tell me with a straight face that they don't matter at all. i’ve got to know, who do you prefer: mario or luigi? luigi! yes or no: techno music? no. yes or no: pigtails? cute mostly on kids. how old were you when you had your first boyfriend/girlfriend? i was about to turn 16, if you mean my first "serious" boyfriend. i don't remember what age i was when i started "dating" aaron, but i was in the 7th grade. is your home town nice? noooo do you believe in love at first sight? explain. hell no. you can't just look at someone and automatically "love" them. do you currently have any medicine in your bag / purse / etc? if so, what kind? yes, my adivan. what do you like on your pasta / noodles? sauce, butter, grated cheese, etc.? sauce ultimately, do you believe nature controls man or that man controls nature? explain. both. do you think it’s wrong to put yourself before others? in what sort of situations? it strictly depends on the situation in school, are / were you ever reluctant to ask questions? what about to answer questions? for what reasons? yes, but i was worse at asking questions. i was and still am shy. are you weary of displaying signs of affection for your significant other around adults? why or why not? no, when i do have a s.o. there's no shame in expressing love. have you ever had red velvet cake or carrot cake? have you ever made either of those? i've had both, but never made either. what is your favorite take out food to get? what do you usually order? bojangle's, and it's called a chicken supreme dinner. if I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? i REALLY wanna go to a metallica concert. what color looks best on you? black name three facts about your family. uhhh. we're german, irish, and polish; our surname is scottish; and we live all over the country. if you could pick the gender and appearance of your child, would you? gender yes, appearance, it'd be cool to select a few features if you died right now, what song would you want to play at your funeral? "took it like a woman" by alice cooper favorite holiday dish? spiral ham would you ever get into a long distance relationship? i honestly don't think i could. favorite kind of soup?  vegetable soup. the best was surprisingly from my elementary school. what’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate. for your birthday, what kind of cake do you ask for?  red velvet did you ever play an instrument? if so, what? i played flute for years, and i shortly played around with guitar. best i could do was probably the intro to "crazy train" would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? carve pumpkins favorite kind of candy? reese's if you're including chocolate, sour punch straws if not. what’s a movie you cried while watching?  "the notebook" destroyed me how old were you when you had your first kiss? 16 would you rather have hair that changes color with emotion or get injured each time you’re touched by the person you love? hair that changes color with emotion, obviously. do you have a laptop? yes, but mine's currently broken. i've been using mom's. have you ever been the object of someones affection, when they were ‘taken’?  yeah. does it bother you when people lie to spare you ‘heartache’?  it depends. have you ever had a black eye?  no. would you sacrifice your dreams, to help someone else reach theirs?  no, i wouldn't. ever wished you were alive when there were dinosaurs? lmao no?? do you believe we “live and learn”? depends on if you want to learn. what is on your wrists right now? nothing on the left, my tattoo on the right. reason for the last tear shed?  i was fighting with my mom. have you ever been called a babe or baby?  yes, and i don't like it. name one person you wish you could fix things with? if i could only pick one person, jason. but i also really really wish my old best friend megan and i could be friends again. if you’re single, then why don’t you get a girlfriend/boyfriend?  because you don't simply "get" a boyfriend?? are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? we're not even friends anymore what was the worst night of your life, or the night you have been scared the most? the night jason broke up with me. what three places in the world do you want to travel to? south africa, germany, aaaand... australia, maybe? are you allergic to cats? no have you ever babysat?  once what’s your second favorite color? pink do you refuse to use public toilets?  i avoid them as best i possibly can. how do you feel about golden oreos? never tried, don't want to, because i know i'll hate them. favorite cheese? i only like american. favorite lunch meat?  salami what's the strangest animal you've had for a pet? rats are you more annoyed when decorations are up two months prior to a holiday or still up two months after a holiday? hmmm. prior, maybe. what’s the strangest art piece you’ve come across?  i've heard of one where a woman vomits onto a canvas in abstract designs. and they actually sell. fucking gross. can you legally drive? not without someone who's had their license for seven years. do you know any songs that are older than you are? most of the songs i enjoy are older than me lol are you comfortable sharing drinks with your friends? not really. what season were you born in?  winter have your parents ever questioned your virginity?  yes. what pizza place do you usually order from? domino's, my favorite. if we want something quick though, little ceasar's. do you have a least favorite color? what is it?  brown, puke green do you find graveyards scary?  no. do you swear a lot? yes. do you know if you were born in the am or pm? am do you sit on the mattresses in furniture stores?  ha ha yeah have you ever read the bill of rights/declaration of independence?  we had to memorize the bill of rights in high school. have your parents ever thought you were gay? what happened? no. my old therapist thought i was though once. she was awful. what do you normally order when you go to subway? turkey, bacon, american cheese, pickles, jalapenos, banana peppers, chipotle... and i feel like i'm forgetting something. are you comfortable talking to both your parents about sex and boys? just vaguely with my mom. what is your idea of “too big” when it comes to weight? when you can no longer properly function. how about “too thin”?  once your bones are clearly visible. have you ever experienced an overly clinging boy-/girlfriend? yeah. partially why we only dated for two weeks. have you ever decided that you like/dislike someone based on their survey answers? i wouldn't say entirely. but i'll sometimes get a bad idea about some people. a bloodied, possibly wounded man is on the side of the road: do you stop to see if you can assist him, or do you drive past? i'd call 911. i wouldn't help because who knows if he's dangerous. what’s the ultimate cake topping?  chocolate have you ever walked into a wall?  more like ran ha ha can you name all 50 american states?  no. have you ever needed stitches? yeah. when i passed out onto the floor on my chin. have you ever been in a submarine?  no. do you believe there used to be dragons?  no. who’s your favorite god from ancient history? hmmm. athena. could you go out with someone who had a child from a previous relationship? no. what was your first alcoholic drink?  strawberry mike's hard lemonade where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?  ohio who was your first kiss? the first person who kissed me was juan, but the first person i kissed and who reciprocated was jason, so i consider him my "first kiss" what nicknames do you have/have had? britt, britt-britt, brittany bear, ozz, ruby, flower did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?  no. we only had tall pine trees where i grew up. have you ever planted a tree? an apple tree, yes. have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours?  no. do you have any cats? no, but i want one. are you a moody person? i have either bpd or bipolarity ii. of course i am. how many girls do you know named alison? my little sister's best friend's name is allison. do you prefer to do the asking out, or be asked out?  be asked out. have you ever been evicted? yes. do you know anyone who snores?  my mom snores louder than anyone i've ever met. dad, too. what is your favorite font?  garamond. have you ever seen a rooster? yep. have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? yeah. what is your favorite number?  13 what color are your slippers?  they're meerkat slippers lol. so tan. what state were you born in?  north carolina. do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? multiple people. do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? rarely. where is your favorite place to get fries?  bojangle's. their seasoning is ohhh goodness how many romantic relationships have you been in so far? one have you ever been camping in the wilderness?  no. would you consider yourself to be a picky eater? VERY do you have gluten intolerance or anyone who does?  i don't, but my cousin does. do you trust the media?  HA what kind of cookies are your favorite? chocolate chip do animals have souls? yeah. are you easily embarrassed? YES how well do you handle your alcohol?  apparently extremely well. i've never been smashed, despite drinking a moderate amount. how can people tell if you're drunk?  i'm talkative and kinda loud. tell me about the best pet you ever had: the dog i currently have now, teddy<3 are any of your siblings married? ashley, yes. who was the last person to spend the night with you at your house?  chelsea. that was fun. who was your date to senior prom? jason. does your dad smoke?  yes. he's getting better about it, though. is your mom over 50?  yes. who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? i'd tell my mom first. that or i'd tell nobody because it's not really anyone's business. do you have a debit card? no. why did you stop working at the last place you were employed? i was getting so anxious that i was puking. do you have freckles? no. what would you do if you found out your ex was pregnant/fathered a child? tyler, wouldn't care, jason... i'd feel weird. do you think the drinking age in america should be lowered to 18?  no. what is the nearest big city to you? raleigh. do you think what bill clinton did was wrong? ... obviously? have you ever run away? yeah. what is your favorite holiday?  halloween. how often are you online?  like... all the time. what are you obsessed with? mark fischbach, link neal & rhett mclaughlin, meerkats, "silent hill"... backstreet boys or nsync?  backstreet boys. what is your favorite disney movie? "the lion king" who did you last go bowling with?  colleen, bradley, girt. do you have any pets?  three great dogs, one lovely snake. who do you look like in your family? vaguely like my sisters, and an equal amount of people say i look like my mom or dad. could you ever believe in assisted suicide? no. have your parents ever put one of your pets to sleep? we had to. he had spleen cancer and was dying. have you ever been hunting? no. what oceans have you swam in? atlantic. are you ugly? i feel like i am, mostly because of my weight. what was your favorite park ride as a child? the carousel gnr or aerosmith?  ohhh. hmmm... i think aerosmith, but i love gnr too. could you pull off red hair? i have red hair now and it looks great. do you know any guys with their nipples pierced?  i think so. favorite beatles song? "hey, jude" have you ever seen a tornado? no. have you ever felt an earthquake? no. do you eat apples with the skin on or skin off? skin on. what is the first thing you do when you get on the computer?  open youtube what do you mainly watch on youtube?  let's plays do you sing in the shower? no. are you the competitive type? not at all. have you ever stolen someone's boyfriend/girlfriend?   unintentionally would you ever consider being a scientist?   no. are you scared of cancer?   who isn't? do you want to get married?  yeah. how many bisexual friends do you have?   two, off the top of my head. would you get married four times?  well first of all, i'm against divorce unless you're in an abusive/neglectful/overall horrible situation, so. are you good at chemistry?   no. do you have online friends?   yep. do you like your handwriting?   i do. have you ever been called emo?   yeah. describe your favorite shoes:   i have this pair of slip-ons that is a black cat design with sunglasses lol do you like zombie movies?   no opinion. have you ever volunteered in a hospital? if not, would you ever want to?  no to both. have you ever had to give a pet away?  yes. what kind of wild animals do you see most frequently where you live?  squirrels, i gues?  besides birds? if a stranger went in your room, would they be able to tell what gender you are from just looking at it?   no.  i actually think a lot of people would think i was a guy.  well... that is if you exclude my huge meerkat display lmao does the smell of cigarettes, weed and beer repulse you?   yes to all. do you like sitting on the inside or outside of a restaurant booth?  inside.  i feel safer. do you own a nightgown?  no. have you ever made a tent out of sheets in your bedroom?   ha ha yeah. have you ever had sex or something like it?   something like it, yeah, but not actual sex. have you ever worn fishnets?  fishnet gloves, yes. do you always wear your seat belt?  always. is there ice cream in your freezer?   i wish. does your bathroom have a window?   a small one. do you go somewhere to get your eyebrows done?  yes.  a family friend's salon. do you have a fish tank?   no. if you found out you couldn’t have kids, would you adopt?   finding out i couldn't have kids would honestly be relieving.  i don't want kids, so i obviously wouldn't adopt, either. do bunnies roam around your backyard at night?   yes, actually.

[randomthoughtsgonewild]

I'm back...

Hello.

I don’t really know how to start this if I’m honest.

It’s been a long while (yeah no shit dumb dumb *facepalms*) and well, things have happened. Some of big degree and some of little importance.

Current status?

I’m feeling shit.

Yes, you may leave. This will not be clean. But when I made this blog and when I titled the description, I meant what I said.

If you no like; bye bye stranger.

If you do but you ain’t into this type of honesty. See you later, mater.

…

So, where to begin…uh, I don’t have the best memory so I believe I shall start around Christmas time 2016.

Life was going semi-okay; school and personal problems were hassling but durable. But during that time I lost two of my mates; one of which I’m closer than the other. It was a whole group thing – we all decided to cast them away because of something they did (I would say what but due to its authenticity and specificity; I can’t take the risk of someone I know recognising it because frankly I’d rather have no-one I know in real life, knowing I am the owner of this blog— not because I’m ashamed; more so of the fact I am a very private person. Which is quite ironic considering I am quite open about everything and everyone— other than myself. But I digress.)

— and so my group casted them away and they were gone throughout the last term before Christmas break; it was hard because I lost my closest mate and my really good friend. But that was resolved quickly after the term and we’re all okay.

See? That wasn’t too bad aha.

Well, we haven’t got to 2017 yet and that’s when things start to go downhill…

So it’s the beginning of the new year and I guess you could say I was hoping for a much better year than 2K16. But when has Lady Luck EVER been on my side? Never. So, like the cow Lady Luck is; it brought me a ton of obstacles and hoops to jump through. To which I failed tremendously.

(I also forgot to add; Been alive for half a century, divided by 2 and subtracted by 10. Yay.)

In January; school had picked up and like the Army Officer it is, really started to tire me out. I was struggling with the work and the homework. It was a mess. It sounds fairly simple and in fact; I imagine many of you to be quite unimpressed by me because “kid, you don’t even know what tiredness is *rolls eyes*” — and you’re probably right, I do not. But you probably don’t know what it feels like to have to be up to the brim in GCSE coursework as well as revision because students love tests! (Wait–wait, maybe you do actually, okay well I had some mental stuff going on too so that counts?)

But again, I am straying off de topic. So anyways, Jan. Tiring. Made me very stressed. Stress is not good. Lotta spots for me, brother. I hate acne. Especially stressed-related ones. But. I. Digress. Again.

Which brings me to February; aww Feb. Poor, sweet, juvenile Feb. Always been a month that tends to fly by so quickly and probs the most boring – seriously though, what actually happens in Feb that is interesting? Nothing. That’s it. But, for me Feb; well Feb was an eye opener for sure. I’m not the type of person to beat around the bush for one thing so I’ll be out with it – quick'n'easy like a bandage.

I discovered two things; My mental state was way beyond fucked. Two? I’m not as strong as I thought I was.

And for me to have discovered this, well it was certainly big. You see my family is not the type of family to ask if ones okay and find the solution; we are more of the ‘ask if you’re okay but if you say anything out of the norm then forget it’ — we always have been. Well, at least I think we have. I’m not really close with my family, but I blame that on the stuff going up in my cranium.

So anyways, my head = not in a good state then (or now). Explanation? I don’t know.

In fact, I think it hasn’t been in a 'good state’ for a while. Possibly ever since the summer of '16 (and maybe before…?) which would mean whatever I’ve been manifesting is suddenly making itself known and to be honest the manifestation is quite large. I don’t know what I have to be frank; I don’t know if it’s depression or if it’s something else, in all honesty I feel kind of stupid for just assuming it’s 'depression’. I feel like that nowadays that word is tossed around so much it just feels stupid to say “I’m depressed” with anyone actually taking you seriously. Plus, I never thought I could be depressed or even in such a state of mind.

Which lead me to my epiphanic of uncovering the truth of my mental strength.

It isn’t that strong.

You see, I always thought for a long time in my life that I’m the type of person who doesn’t breakdown, who knows how to build themselves back up again if the going gets tough; the type of human who will never let themselves fall so far down the well of “depression” because I’m just not like that. Full stop.

But I realised in the second month of the year, that I’m none of that; I’m just extremely good at ACTING like I am. Like I am strong, like I can’t breakdown, like I can’t be “depressed”. I realised that I’m so used to being in this mind state that my head has adapted to feeling like this and since I have a slight fear of being mentally unwell; it simply taught me how to ACT like everything’s okay. When in fact…

Everything really isn’t fucking okay.

Now I could type here for ages and ages about my stresses, my worries, my problems etc etc but that would make this so long that it would be the equivalent of 3 Harry Potter books…aaaand since I’m not JKR and I don’t have that type of time; I’ll just summarise, summarise, summarise!

Here we go; so after my big discovery in Feb, it lead to all sorts of things — I started to become more aggressive and more sad; which led to more acting because even if I knew I had a mental health problem it still didn’t mean I wanted to get help or – god forbid ACTUALLY talk about it! So I started to distract myself; distractions, distractions, distractions = my best friend. The more I distracted myself, the more I (believed) had less time to dwell on my (rapidly becoming real) mental health illness. So I took up having some cigarettes from time to time because it made me feel calm and yes I know of the dangers but pocketing a couple of my dads cigarettes wasn’t going to kill me okay? Plus, I always told myself (still do now) to never buy my own pack because that for me would lead to an addiction. Amongst that; I did other things like lash out, do drugs (I DID THIS ONCE BTW) and just things that really weren’t good for me.

So with me doing all this and believing it would prolong my mental health illness awakening; I didn’t realise that instead of PROLONGING my MHI, I just kept feeding it. With all the things I did, they lead to consequences; every time I would smoke, I would feel bad– horrid even, the fear of becoming addicted lead to me feeling shameful (more for the MHI monster to eat), every time I would steal my dad’s wine bottle and drink it for myself, I would feel disappointed that I would stoop so low and thus gave the monster an even bigger meal and every time I tested my parents patience or acted kinda rude to my mates; it fed my monster STRESS because I would stress about what their reactions would be and ugh it was not good.

But here I am typing as if I overcame it all and everything is well again; for your information mi amiga; it ain’t. In fact I still am going through all this and frankly I’m tired. Exhausted. Fatigued. But knowing me and my coping methods; my brilliant acting skills will be back at it again for the next couple of months until I guess I break or something.

This whole text post sounds weird tbh; I don’t like how I’ve written it but it’s honest. And I have more to talk about as well but there just isn’t enough time in the day (or so I say) and besides; it gives me a good reason to post sooner.

However, regardless of all the bad; I have dipped a finger back into my pool of story writing and it’s been a good thing for me to say the least. Another distraction tbh but better than wallowing in my head and assuming the worst.

So yeah, that’s it. That’s all I’ve got. I would say more but the effort is too unreal. So this shall be a goodbye and goodnight.

- A