#acorn hijinks

[nacrenecitygardening]

Acorn was being silly with Miss Sasha so enjoy the picture lol

[mindless-vagabond]

what do yall like to look for on hikes cos im always on the lookout for

a) mushrooms and 2) cool bugs

[peachiejeongin]

Mall Madness | Han Jisung

Day 2 of the 12 Days of Staymas!

Synopsis: Christmas shopping with Han is anything but ordinary. What starts as a simple, practical trip to the mall quickly turns into a whirlwind of impulse purchases, holiday hijinks, and way too much Christmas spirit.

Pairing: bf!Han x reader

Genre: Fluff, Crack

Warnings: None!

Notice: Hello, my loves! Here is Day 2's fiction! If you missed Day 1, click the link above to read about making Christmas cookies with Felix :) Without further ado, enjoy the story!

You had no idea what possessed you to invite Han of all people to join you for Christmas shopping. Maybe it was his insistence of being a, "holiday genius," or the way his eyes sparkled when you mentioned the words, "Christmas sales." Whatever the reason, you found yourself at the entrance of the busiest mall in the city, clutching a list of carefully planned gifts.

You loved Han dearly, but you were already beginning to regret the decision.

"Okay, Ji," you said, holding up the meticulously organized checklist. "This is the plan: we hit these stores in this exact order, stick to the list, and avoid anything-"

"Not on sale," he finished for you with a mockingly serious tone. "Got it, boss."

"Sweet. Just no distractions, and absolutely no chaos."

"Chaos? With me? Never," he dragged out his tone sing songedly, causing you to shake your head.

You started your way to the Christmas decor store within the mall, planning on picking up a couple of items for your parents.

Yet, within five minutes, you were sprinting after Jisung in order to prevent him from buying a gigantic inflatable snowman.

"It's not on the list!" you hissed, tugging at his sleeve; he, on the other hand, was hugging the box like it was his long lost soulmate.

"Yeah, but think about how cool it would look in the dorm! I could put it in the living room, and-"

"And it's not even going to fit in the trunk of the car!" you argued.

Han sighed dramatically, setting the box down with a pout.

"Fine, but I'm still thinking about it." You rolled your eyes but grabbed his hand before he could wander off once more. You had now learned that letting Han loose in a mall was like letting a squirrel loose in an acorn emporium.

---

Things began to escalate when you hit the toy store. You needed to pick out gifts for your nieces, and Han took the mission incredibly seriously.

A bit too seriously, as a matter of fact.

"This doll is perfect," you beamed, holding up a sparkly princess doll.

"Yeah, but what if they like this better?" Han countered, holding up a robotic dinosaur.

"For a three-year old?" you questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Han ignored you, instead pressing a button on the dinosaur; it caused the toy to roar to life, letting out a mechanical screech so loud that a nearby toddler burst into tears.

"Oh no," Han whispered, panic flashing in his eyes. "Abort mission. Abort!" He shoved the dinosaur back onto the shelf and pulled you away from the aisle, whispering a frantic, "Go, go, go!" as the child's crying escalated.

You had barely made it into the next aisle before you both burst into uncontrollable fits of laughter.

---

"Let's take a break," you suggested after Jisung insisted on testing every scented candle in a home goods store; he had nearly set off your allergies with an overly strong apple spice one.

"Pretzels?" he suggested, eyes lighting up as if he had just won the lottery.

"Fine, but just one," you conceded.

Twenty minutes later, you were sitting on a food court booth with Han, who had somehow managed to come back with two pretzels, a tray of nachos, and a milkshake with two straws.

"Where did the nachos come from?" you inquired, stairing at the mountain of cheese and chips.

"They were calling to me," he stated solemnly, taking a huge bite out of his pretzel.

"Calling to you?"

"Yes! The spirit of Christmas spoke to me through this plate of cheesy goodness!" He nodded, completely serious.

"You're ridiculous," you laughed, shaking your head as you stole a chip off of the plate.

"And you love it!" he teased, leaning in closer to you with a cheeky grin.

You rolled your eyes, but you could not fight the urge to peck his cheek, ignoring the blush dusting your cheeks.

"Don't push your luck, Ji."

---

The highlight of the evening came when Han found an abandoned shopping cart in the parking garage.

"Oh no," you grimaced immediately, recognizing the mischevious dazzle in his eyes.

"Oh yes," he replied, already climbing into the cart.

"Ji, this is a horrible idea."

"Only if we don't commit!" he retaliated, giving you his best puppy-eyed expression. "Come on! Push me just for a little bit! For Christmas joy!"

You groaned but gave in, gripping the handle of the cart and giving it a cautious shove.

"Faster!" he yelled as if he were a child on a swing set.

You picked up the speed, laughing along with him as the cart zoomed down an empty stretch of pavement.

Until it hit a speedbump.

The cart tipped, Han tumbled out, and you both somehow ended up on the ground, howling with laughter as you tried to catch your breath.

---

By the time you finally made it back to the car, your shopping bags were filled with a mix of thoughtful gifts and completely unnecessary buys, such as the matching reindeer onesies Jisung had snuck in at the last second.

"You're impossible," you giggled as you buckled your seatbelt.

"Yet, here we are!" he exclaimed, flashing you a dazzling smile.

As the two of you pulled out of the parking lot, Han reached over and took your hand, lacing his fingers with yours.

"Today was awesome," he began softly. "I know was a bit much today, but it was exhilerating, truly."

You glanced at him, your heart melting at the sincerity in his tone.

"You're lucky I love you, Ji," you chuckled kindly, "or else I would have left you at the mall." He laughed, squeezing your hand tightly.

"Lucky for both of us then."

Despite the chaos, and your aching feet, you could not help but think that Christmas shopping with Han was exactly the kind of holiday magic you had not known you needed.

[randomthefox]

Lanolin was literally a random citizen who started volunteering to help with charity. Why she's suddenly being portrayed as an authority figure who owns everything makes no sense.

Based on what the authors have said, what I assume happened is they had an idea for a New Character but didn't want to go through the process of designing a new character and having it be approved by SEGA and revised and work shopped and possibly vetoed by editorial, so rather than just.... Rewriting their stupid fucking story, they decided to simply use a character design for a background NPC who had already featured in the comic previously to skip the process because "hey, she'd already been approved!"

So the Character of Lanolin as written and the character of Lanolin The Sheep who appeared as a background NPC in the comic are actually two different characters. They wrote a New Character and then just skinned this background NPC alive and dressed them up in that characters fleece. If my understanding is correct. The characterization they wrote for Lanolin is not a natural bespoke characterization that they crafted for this sheep NPC who had appeared in the comic before. They had an idea for a new Sally Acorn character, and the Lanolin design was just a shortcut for them to force the new character down mid.

So with that in mind, let's pretend that it's not Lanolin the Sheep stupid waifu bait background NPC girl in this storyline. Let's pretend it's a brand newly introduced character who had never appeared before. Abercrombie the Finch, perhaps.

Let's pretend that Sonic ran into the room at Jewels beckoning and was introduced to a brand new face, Abercrombie the Finch, hi Abercrombie how are you nice to meet you call me Abe for short okay cool

So if we pretend this is a brand new OC that we've never met or seen before, does that fix the character?

I would argue that no, no it does not. If you cut Lanolin out of the panels and replace her with Abercrombie the Finch, all the same problems would still exist with him as they do with her. He'd still be some Nobody New Guy showing up and bossing around characters who we've been following in the comic AND VIDEO GAMES for years. His position as the person who suggested the idea of a volunteer squad still would not imbue him with any real authority over any of the people he's ordering around and lecturing. He would still be a clinically insane fucking retard for saying that Sonic needs to be arrested for his hijinks as the phantom rider when there's bigger fish to fry.

Okay so let's change up his backstory then. If he's Abercrombie the Finch and not Lanolin the Sheep then he can have any backstory we want. So let's say Abercrombie was a veteran of the Forces war, fought on the front lines of Operation Big Wave, he risked life and limb to keep the men he was fighting alongside safe. He's a decorated vet with a gruff exterior and a heart of gold who is a bit of a by the book drill Sargent type that doesn't suffer fools or tolerate shenanigans. Does that make a difference?

No, because it would still be SONIC THE FUCKING HEDGEHOG SEVERAL DOZEN TIMES SAVIOR OF THE PLANET WHO HAS FOUGHT AND DEFEATED GODS AND MEN, TANGLE THE LEMUR WHO SACRIFICED HERSELF TO SAVE OTHERS DURING THE ZOMBOT APOCALYPSE AND ASSISTED IN SAVING DOZENS FROM A FOREST FIRE, AND WHISPER THE GOD DAMN WOLF THE ANGEL OF THE RESISTANCE WHO HAD BEEN FIGHTING FOR MONTHS AS PART OF A MERCENARY UNIT AND ALSO DIRECTLY PARTICIPATED IN THE ZOMBOT APOCALYPSE!

The presumptive authoritarian entitlement would STILL be completely unacceptable. My reaction would STILL be "who the fuck is THIS dickhead?" And he would still be an absolutely atrociously written god awful character. The fact that they're ruining Adam Bryce Thomas's waifu and dressing up this awful new character with her skin doesn't make it any better.

Also just gonna say it: the optics of this scene would be vastly different if Lanolin was a man instead of a woman. Nobody would be defending this shit if it was Abercrombie the Finch doing it instead.

If it would be Not Okay if a man did it, then it's Not Okay that Lanolin did it. Acknowledge your biases.

[scythefandoms-bigmovies]

Alternate universe where jack is part of a seasonal quartet.

Susie Sun, spirit of the south wind, guardian of summer fun.

Jacqueline Frost, spirit of the north wind, guardian of winter fun.

Amber Berry, spirit of the west wind, guardian of autumn fun.

Lily Sprout, spirit of the east wind, guardian of spring fun.

They're all female so that they can be called the ’season sisters’

Their base has a tree in each corner, and murals of each in a different pose. Jacqueline is sledding down a hill, amber is jumping in a leaf pile, Lily is making a flower crown, and Susie is chasing a Frisbee.

they all have a projectile ball weapon. Snowballs, water balloons, pollen puffs, acorns.

They have their own cool staffs. Jacqueline has icicles on hers, Susie has a yellow glowing crystal. Amber has a pinecone and a few leaves. And lily has flowers.

They love each other and are constantly getting into hijinks and having fun.

Artwork is on the way.

[leonanette]

The Man in the Pearl Mask Masterlist

Summary

The Valryan gods foresee what destruction Lucerys Velaryon’s death will bring and decide to intervene. They cannot stop the dragons from dancing but they can change the tune.

Lucerys comes back from the dead thanks to Balerion’s intervention and decides that, since he failed to help his mother’s cause as himself, he should become someone different - the masked, mute, mystery dragonrider known only as Lord Velaryon.

The gods aren’t content with intervening in just one person’s fate, however. Other gods set their eyes on Aemond and work to set him on a different path.

One day, Lucerys and Aemond’s paths will cross again and, when they do, they will be very different people.

Main Fic Chapters:

Divine Intervention

Spectre at the Feast

Death Denied

Tessarion's Work

Brothers Reunited

Grounded by a Ghost

Death to the Greens

The Return

Becoming Indispensable

The First Battle

Blood and Cheese

The Bridge Again

Storm's End Again

The Papers

Syrax's Best Work

Chaos in King's Landing

The Morning After

The Road to Battle

The Miracle at Duskendale

Facing the Music

Many Councils

The Night Ghouls

The Red Fork

A Plot is Hatched

Madness and Mutiny

Rhaena Rises

The Mercies

The War Sept

Changing Course

The Trap and the Lance

Tumbleton

The Negotiations

A Secret Meeting

Larys Returns

A Debt Repaid

Shipbreaker Bay Again

The White Worm and the Woodswitch

A Letter from an Enemy

The Princess Returns

The Chase

Cloak of Gold and Cloak of Silver

The Search

The Awful Truth

The Punishment

The Highgarden Ball 

Silence and Defiance 

Family in Name Only

The Deep Breath

Harrenhal's Revenge 

Ride of the Golden Dread

The Last Few Miles

Night at Acorn Hall

High Heart

Harrenhal Again

The Golden Tooth

A Storm Passing

No Way Out 

The Trial

Meleys' Best Work

Plots and Counterplots

Ultimatum

The Last Battle

Epilogue

The Valyrian Gods

Character Profiles

Syrax

Balerion

Tessarion

Vermax

Vhagar

Meleys

Family Tree and Creation Myth

Spin Offs, Deleted Scenes and More

Portrait of Lord Velaryon by hrgves

The Blue Poppy Dreams

Vermax used the last of the blue death poppy to allow the dead to contact Aemond through dreams. This is the counsel they have to offer him.

Deleted Scenes

Stuff and nonsense too good not to write but not good enough to make the fic.

How Vermax Won His Wager

Alternative title: Valyrian Gods Behaving Badly

There's nothing more dangerous than a bored Valyrian god and Vermax is getting very bored in King's Landing indeed. So, when his friend, Gaelithox, offers up a friendly wager, he can't resist the opportunity to cause chaos among the greens.

Be prepared for a maiden made of clouds, a King getting turned into a horse for five minutes and all sorts of other godly hijinks.

Policy of Truth

Alternative title: What would have happened if I wrote the fic after watching Episode 1 of Season 2.

An AU within the 'Man in the Pearl Mask' AU, taking place around Chapter 15.

The Valyrian Gods are working to turn Aemond against his family by showing him the ugly truth about them. But, Vermax is saving the ugliest truth until last because he knows that seeing his mother and the man he once admired having a sordid affair would break him. And, Vermax also knows that he can use that to his advantage...

Playlist

This is an ever-growing playlist made up of my ideas and suggestions from my lovely commenters. I'll always open for more suggestions so please don't hesitate to comment with yours!

Fire and Ice by Nerdout (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

Back from the Dead by Skillet (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

The Dominoes Fall by Dario Marianelli

Mirage by OneRepublic (suggested by RoAKing0fShadows)

Firestarter by The Prodigy

(spoilers for Chapter 19 incoming) No Bullets Fly by Sabaton

Night Witches by Sabaton

Molossus by James Newton Howard

No Light, No Light by Florence and the Machine (suggested by cryptid_corvid)

Silly Tumblr posts

Just a collection of stuff and nonsense.

Chapter 16 in GIFs

My Snarkiest Author's Notes (without context)

The Valyrian Gods during Chapter 35 of The Man in the Pearl Mask

Me being a Sabaton fan in ‘The Man in the Pearl Mask’ - Part 1

The Valyrian Gods betting on what Luke will do next

Details

Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Fandoms:

House of the Dragon (TV)

A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin

Relationships:

Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen/Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) ; Cregan Stark/Jacaerys Velaryon ; Baela Targaryen/Helaena Targaryen

Characters:

Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) ; Aemond "One-Eye" Targaryen ; Balerion the Valyrian God (A Song of Ice and Fire ; Syrax the Valyrian God (A Song of Ice and Fire) ; Valyrian Gods (A Song of Ice and Fire) ; Aegon II Targaryen ; Alicent Hightower ; Helaena Targaryen; Daeron Targaryen (Son of Viserys I) ; Alys Rivers of House Strong ; Jacaerys Velaryon ; Cregan Stark ; Daemon Targaryen ; Otto Hightower ; Laenor Velaryon ; Rhaenyra Targaryen ; Rhaenys Targaryen Velaryon ; Baela Targaryen ; Rhaena Targaryen (Daughter of Daemon) ; Tyraxes the God (ASoIaF) ; Vermithor | Jaehaerys I Targaryen's Dragon ; Silverwing | Alysanne Targaryen's Dragon ; Corlys "The Sea Snake" Velaryon ; Erryk Cargyll ; Floris Baratheon ; Borros Baratheon

Additional Tags:

Fix-It ; Secret Identity ; Ghosts ; Shakespeare References ; Slow Burn ; Eventual Romance ; Other Additional Tags to Be Added ; Body Horror ; Blood and Gore ; Vermax the Valyrian God ; Tessarion the Valyrian God ; Lucerys Velaryon (Son of Rhaenyra) Lives ; Aged-Up Character(s) ; Not Beta Read ; Nightmares ; Minor Cregan Stark/Jacaerys Velaryon ; Sabaton References ; Minor Baela Targaryen/Helaena Targaryen

[mad-doodle-disease]

STATUS OF TOONTOWN (MONTH 0, DAY 7)

Toontown Central

Infected and currently on lockdown.

Aware.

Toons are scared, Cogs are confused or unaware.

Note of interest: Playground is heavily infected and off limits. Tunnels connecting to other playgrounds have been gated up.

Barnacle Boatyard

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Ye Olde Toontowne

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Note of interest: News has to be passed around by mouth due to technological setbacks.

Daffodil Gardens

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Sellbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Mezzo Melodyland

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Cashbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

The Brrrgh

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Lawbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Acorn Acres

Disease has not spread here yet.

Aware.

Toony hijinks mostly as usual, although with slight concern.

Bossbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Drowsy Dreamland

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Note of interest: I think they slept through the broadcasts.

Boardbot HQ

Unknown.

NEXT

[mrskayathefrog]

I love Un-Commander decks, but I want them to be full-silver boarder nonsense, special occasion hijinks decks. I want actual silver boarders, not acorns

If we hypothetically got another un-set would we be able to get un-commander decks? :D I'd love to see the fun design space you could go into

Unfinity was going to have Commander decks early on, but we were worried there wasn't a large enough audience for them.

[presidentbungus]

Soldier is great at making new friends and fiercely loyal to the ones he has!

I've read a couple fics by writingdispenser where Soldier befriended several spies who helped him find his way to Germany several times during WW2 (he kept getting turned around) and how he kept up with some of them decades later! One of the spies tagged along with him for a while to kill nazis, and imagining the chaotic hijinks those two could cause gives my brain all of the serotonin.

this is the last soldier one so woot 🥳 soldier day success or whatever‘s usually on the script

that’s just how soldier operates. you spend a day aroind him and you’re like rrrrr this guy sucks he’s loud and annoying and then you wake up the next morning in a tent next to him and you’re in the middle of the woods on an anti-communism mission trip and you’re besties with him and you don’t remember anything that happened in the last 6 hours. that’s just the effect he has on people. and you’re kinda like what how did this happen and then like an acorn or something almost falls on your head so he tackles you to the ground screaming to god to take him instead and you’re like oh ok that makes sense. he’s the best friend you’ll ever have in your entire life and you’ve known him for a week. I love him

ooouuuhhhhhouyhhghh that’s the good shit boss. if you can find the links somewhere send them to me I’d love to read them !!!

[twsted-princess]

I've stalked @squidwen's blog long enough to finally make some interactions with Mel and their oc's!!

Ceridwen: Good friends! Melanie would ask Cerid to not refer to her by royal terms as by her standards she's an average student here. She becomes Cerid's helper and by that I means she'll drag Cerid away from potential danger and long work hours to go shopping or learn how to make something. Of course both of them being over-thinkers is definitely going to lead to hijinks (especially if the other first years are involved) but that's normal for them. Them being assistants means they run into each other with tasks so Mel always suggest afterwards they rest with tea and a good book.

Vane: Now Melanie can....tolerate bugs but not insects that are the size of people so her first reaction to Vane would be....... fainting. Not the best first time and she knows that she might have made Vane more worried so she tries to make it up. By setting up a garden outside of the Ramshackle and growing both flowers and crops she would invite Vane to join her. A nice day with a few clouds rolling by, some lemonade and little buds that need tender loving care. If he ever gets picked on she'll rush in to stop them and if he wants company she'll be more than happy to oblige.

Basil: A curious relationship. Basil sees her and thinks of a tiny field mouse, always scurrying around with papers and things, entering classrooms to drop off things all the while getting to her own class with that dwarf hamster and honey badger. Of course this makes her a prime target for a massage but she's so easy to tease. It's too easy for him to sneak up behind her and let out a little hiss near her ear, she jumps and stares bewildered with those blue eyes. Even if she's holding back Louise from swinging at him with his teeny tiny sword. But she's also extremely kind, always making sure he's doing alright and he isn't pulling any sore muscles. She was a bundle of tight nerves just waiting to pop but all she cared about was her friends health. Strange........she could be fun.

William: Fellow first years and while Melanie might not know much about him, she does know that he's known for axe-throwing. She would know. The first time they met she was behind the tree he was chucking mini axes at and the hits were causing acorns to fall all over her. Being a little irritated by getting hit with acorns while she does homework she turns around only to see a giant holding an axe in his hand. She....might have panicked if Will didn't stop her and apologize for not realizing someone was here. After that she would be curious since they're in different classes and the fact that he's next in line for leadership. She'd try to befriend him and just understand this grizzly bear of a student.

Seth: Not entirely sure if these two would be odd pseudo friends that no one understands what they see in the other or Seth avoids Melanie like the plague when all she did was nothing. He might think she's annoying, a little fly that won't stop buzzing plus given the fact that she's a supposed queen a spoiled pest no doubt. But all Melanie's ever done was shyly ask if he needs more fabric and brought tea. While they both sew and make clothing Seth's far better at the craft then Mel so she would try to at least learn something from him, only for him to make her leave. She does try to be his assistant so he can do this like eat and take breaks, if he needs a model she's up for the job no payment needed.

[nacrenecitygardening]

Acorn has apparently decided they want to go as a wreathe for Halloween

They were poking around the decorations and got it stuck around their neck, and have thus far refused to let me take it off xD

[fairyhaven13]

Are the sparkles stars, or sparks from the fire they’re watching? Who knows?

This is day 13 of Drawtober, day 3 of “Midnight Feast”. This is more of a “feast your eyes” kind of thing, because Lyn and Fly are very excited to watch things blow up. This is part of my Post-Genesis Wave semi-AU. It’s later on, after the Destructix have taught Lyn how to come into her own as a mercenary and renegade against Zobotnik’s tirade. They’re on Urborough, which is an in-between Zone safe from the No Zone’s spying, and where they’ve recruited many of the people who got erased in the Genesis Wave, including Elias Acorn, Geoffrey St. John and Jeff St. Croix, Hershey, and Dr. Finitevus, who made Lyn her power inhibitor bracelets after her Ultimate Lifeform powers began budding. She’s still besties with Flying, which is why they’re hanging out and watching the destructive results of their latest hijinks. 

[ducktalkspodcast]

Happy 76th Anniversary Chip and Dale!

In 1943 Pluto debuted a new cartoon titled “Private Pluto.” In this six-plus minute cartoon the Disney favorite found himself protecting an army base against two little chipmunks. These chipmunks would later be named Chip and Dale, and they would go on to terrorize Pluto, Mickey Mouse, and Donald Duck with their acorn hoarding hijinks.

Chip and Dale would go on to star in 23 animated shorts,…

[adesideratum]

3) If you were turned into a tree, how would you spend your time?

Wow @palmtreepalmtree why did I do this to you and also myself

Daydream... enjoy the sunshine... think about food a lot probably... drop acorns/fruits/whatever funky little tree accessories I have on people. Use my roots to fuck up whatever buildings/sidewalks I can nearby. I am cut down due to my hijinks but continue on as a noble stump. One day Jaime Lannister uses me as a pillow and I give him The Dream. 

That’s right y’all---- it was me!!!!

[mad-doodle-disease]

STATUS OF TOONTOWN (MONTH 0, DAY 0)

Toontown Central

Starting point of the disease.

Public is unaware of the disease. Scientists and doctors are aware, and have brought the awareness to the disease to pet shop clerks. Believed to just affect Doodles.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Barnacle Boatyard

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Ye Olde Toontowne

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Note of interest: Poor immune systems are common here.

Daffodil Gardens

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Sellbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Mezzo Melodyland

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Cashbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

The Brrrgh

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Note of interest: Cold weather may lead to sluggish immune systems, but it also might cause victims of the infection to be less aggressive and more docile. Only time will tell.

Lawbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Acorn Acres

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Bossbot HQ

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware?

Business as usual.

Drowsy Dreamland

Disease has not spread here yet.

Unaware.

Toony hijinks as usual.

Boardbot HQ

Unknown.

NEXT

[romcomathon2016]

A Christmas Prince (USA, 2017)

And now, a special bonus edition, not for any actual occasion, but just because we freaking felt like it. God bless you, Netflix, for this glorious season when all the worst Hallmark movies ever made arise out of the depths for easy streaming upon demand. Happy holidays, Romcomathon readership! (We will also be watching an equally terrible non-Netflix movie, it looks like, on actual Christmas. Prepare yourselves.)

Predictions: Alex, having read the description, knew that it was about a reporter and a prince, perhaps falling in love through a house of lies. Kat, not having read the description, predicted that Christmas was a place as well as a time, and perhaps the Prince of Christmas -- A CHRISTMAS PRINCE, IF YOU WILL -- was looking for a bride. At Christmastime. Perhaps the Kingdom of Christmas only merges with the regular world at Christmastime!!!! Who can say.

Plot: Uh… Kat was joking, but may not have been entirely mistaken. Whereas she was picturing some sort of seasonal magical fairy kingdom, Aldovia is instead a supposedly real country that crowns its monarchs at the Christmas Eve Ball???? But let's back up a bit and explain.

Rose McIver is a "junior editor," aka peon?? at a fashion magazine in "New York" (a whole variety of skylines were used here, though...huh), who inexplicably gets sent to a foreign country to cover the possible abdication of a playboy prince, Ben Lamb. Obviously he turns out to not really be a playboy; she assumes a fake identity by accident (is mistaken for the princess's soon-to-arrive new American tutor); and she immediately finds her way into both his good graces and those of his wayward, overprotected little sister -- who, by the way, has spina bifida AND is super sad about their father's death a year ago. There was literally not a heartstring that this movie did not attempt to tug, y’all; we are shocked that there wasn't a baby animal of some kind wearing a ribbon around its neck at a pivotal moment.

Anyway, Prince Ben Lamb just doesn't know if he wants to be king, guys. Can he handle it? Can he handle it?? No, kind of seems like he can't, tbh, but since his scheming cousin, next in line, seems like a truly terrible person, he should probably try. But wait! Plot twist! Rose McIver stumbles across an incredibly poorly-hidden secret compartment in the king's hunting lodge -- after having been rescued by Prince Ben Lamb from a wolf in the snowy woods, mind you (...yes) -- and discovers SECRET ADOPTION PAPERS. PRINCE BEN LAMB IS ADOPTED, AND NOBODY KNEW!!!! Well, except his parents, presumably.

Here we start a new paragraph specifically to ask HOW. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE ROYAL FAMILY SOMEHOW ADOPTED A CHILD AND KEPT IT SECRET FROM EVERYONE. EVERYONE.

Naturally, Scheming Cousin and his lady friend (actually Prince Ben Lamb's former lady friend, but let's not get into it) discover this as well, because Rose McIver is the worst undercover reporter in the world, and they decide to keep this information under their fancy evil hats until the Right Moment. When is the Right Moment, you ask? Obviously, at the Christmas Eve Ball/coronation. Yes, two for the price of one. The Aldovian monarchy is v. practical and/or thrifty that way! They also have the Prime Minister do the ceremony (perhaps not wanting to spring for a priest), and he (perhaps having never before seen a coronation?!) runs the whole thing like a wedding. Does anyone object to the prince's crowning, he asks, or forever hold your peace?? Guess who doesn't hold their peace, guys -- lol, it's Scheming Cousin. THE PRINCE IS ADOPTED!!!!!!!!

Man, what unfortunate timing, now that Prince Ben Lamb has finally gotten his act together and agreed to be king. Also unfortunate: the scheming duo reveals the truth about Rose McIver's identity. WHAT IS EVEN LEFT FOR PRINCE BEN LAMB TO BELIEVE IN???? He doesn't know who Rose McIver is! HE DOESN'T KNOW WHO HE IS EITHER. Also, the Prime Minister clearly has no mind of his own, and the Queen somehow has no power???? (We suppose that makes sense, though, since this nation is apparently stuck in like the 1100s or something, because girls still can't inherit and the line skips right over Prince Ben Lamb’s sister??) Anyway, they're all just like, welp, it's Christmas Eve, so we couldn't possibly wait a day to reasonably discuss our nation’s future, and instead we absolutely must crown Scheming Cousin immediately. All is lost.

Rose McIver, meanwhile, is at the airport headed home, all dejected and stuff, when she has a sudden epiphany about the secret poem the prince showed her in the hunting lodge. (SO MUCH SECRET STUFF IN THIS HUNTING LODGE, YOU GUYS. WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON WITH THE KING. WHY DID HE SHARE NOTHING WITH HIS QUEEN OR HIS COUNCIL????) She rushes back to the castle and breaks open the homemade acorn Christmas ornament that the dead king left for the queen (...yeah), and lo and behold, a secret decree naming his adopted son worthy to be king. The king even took care to mention that it wasn't about blood or anything, but rather about Prince Ben Lamb's good character, which incidentally, Prince Ben Lamb was worried about. HOW PRESCIENT OF HIM. (Though not as prescient as if he had done the normal thing and publicized this before his death and avoided this whole debacle. :|)

Rose McIver bursts into the SECOND coronation; the Prime Minister again has no trouble accepting this latest sudden, poorly-verified turn of events; and Prince Ben Lamb gets properly crowned. Rose McIver goes back home to “New York” and writes a very schmaltzy story about how great he is. Her editor, surprisingly, does not want to publish this CRAZY STORY that she paid for Rose McIver to get, so Rose McIver quits and starts a weirdly successful blog instead. Then, on New Year's Eve, King Ben Lamb turns up on the doorstep of her father's diner and proposes to her. YUP, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY, READER. THE KING OF A NATION PROPOSES TO A WOMAN HE KNEW FOR ONE WEEK UNDER AN ASSUMED IDENTITY. THE END.

Best Scene: It is impossible to choose, perhaps because there was not a single scene in this glorious Christmas masterpiece that did not seem like it had been ripped from another film and spliced into this one in iMovie. The number of lines that we predicted out loud before they were said on screen was, shall we say, astonishing, but then again, not astonishing at all.

Worst Scene: All of the best scenes were the worst scenes, and all of the worst scenes were the best scenes.

Best Line: "You haven't thought about this. I mean, we barely know each other." -- Rose McIver, saying what we are all thinking. I mean, who would marry this royal idiot?? HE HAS BAD JUDGMENT AND WILL SOON BE DEPOSED, AND THEN WHERE WILL YOU BE?? Points for having good sense for once, Rose McIver. Points lost for capitulating moments later.

Worst Line: "A palace is a lonely place for a king without a queen." -- King Ben Lamb, during his proposal speech, all of which was awful, just to be clear. Although we did enjoy how his answer to pretty much all her objections was, money can solve everything! I mean. He's not entirely wrong. The royal family is probably very rich from all the money they've saved on coronations.

Highlights of the Watching Experience: Ummmm, reading the article that Entertainment Weekly wrote about it?? This article, a journalistic tour de force of the sort Rose McIver could never compose, addresses all of the concerns that we could not fit in this blog post. It is accurate and hilarious. Read it here.

Also, this whole watching experience was a highlight of our year. Literally the tropiest film we've ever watched. Cannot believe how many different clichés they managed to cram into one movie.

How Many POC in the Film: Like...2-4? One of her two friends was black (the other was a gay man, of course), a jerk reporter at the magazine was also black, and there may or may not have been an Asian person or two sprinkled in in Aldovia, with hardly any lines. Not awesome, for 2017.

Alternate Scenes: So, how did Rose McIver end up needing to be rescued from a wolf, you ask? Well, it's because she stole a horse from the stables to stalk Prince Ben Lamb, and then it threw her and left her in the snow, à la Beauty and the Beast. Only this low-budget cinematic wonder could only afford one wolf, evidently. Excitingly, though, in the moment before this wolf came on screen, we were wondering if it was going to be a werewolf, and if this movie was REALLY going to take a turn. Truthfully, readers, we kind of wish that had happened. We would watch that alternate film. Possible titles -- iWerewolf? A Christmas Wolf?

Was the Poster Better or Worse than the Film: BETTER. Now, we know we’ve suggested that no film could be better than this one, but this badly-photoshopped family holiday card is clearly the poster for a movie about the Prince of Hell, who rises out of his pentacle in a tower of flame to claim as his bride Rose McIver, who happens to love Christmas. Whereas of course the Prince of Hell hates Christmas, because it's Jesus’s birthday, and he is the Prince of Hell (duh). Hijinks ensue; eventually they overcome their differences, and maybe the Prince of Hell abdicates his hellish throne in order to live on Earth with Rose McIver. The final scene is, of course, them in their charming living room, enjoying Christmas. The Prince jokingly puts a devil-themed ornament on the Christmas tree (yes, they make those; we double-checked). "Oh, you!" says Rose McIver. They giggle together. Pan out into the snow.

Score: 4 out of 10 pasted-together-out-of-a-random-Hallmark-plot-generator smooches. Soooooo bad, you guys. Probably zero actual-movie smooches. But 10 out of 10 smooches in our still-laughing hearts!

Ranking: 72, out of the 109 movies we’ve seen so far. Sadly, we would rather rewatch this than a shocking number of other things. IT WASN'T GOOD, JUST TO BE CLEAR. NOT GOOD AT ALL. Yet...what a grand old time we had. This is the most perfect terrible movie we have ever watched or could ever imagine watching.