#add me to the class action lawsuit. fuck off

[fingertipsmp3]

Tbh I also think if your expensive shampoo makes my hair worse I should be allowed to kill you with a rock

[aj-lenoire]

holy fucking shit i am losing my mind over the hbomberguy vaccine video

(yes i know it came out almost 2 years ago i only just got into his stuff alright)

like i knew andrew wakefield's original study was bullshit; when i did a module on autism in undergrad, one of the first things my professor said was that this study was bullshit—it was only done on 12 kids, he owned the patent for the seperate vaccines, it was later retracted for being total bullshit and wakefield wankfield lost his medical license; HE IS NO LONGER A DOCTOR

we were not told:

the study didn’t even FIND anything!! even after wankfield tweaked data, lied about what parents said, his conclusions were that he hadn’t found any actual evidence BUT he really thought there might be a link between the MMR vaccine and autism

(that, for those of you not in the know, is not how academia works, you need evidence)

some of the children in the study weren’t even autistic

of those 12 children, only about half of the parents were reported as saying they thought the MMR vaccine caused their kid’s autism (BASED OFF NOTHING BUT SPECULATION, I MIGHT ADD) and at least one of the fathers has said that wankfield straight-up lied about him saying that

wankfield was hired by a lawyer to ‘‘‘find’’’ evidence of autism so that lawyer could launch a class action lawsuit on behalf of like, 12 parents who thought their kids’ autism was caused by their MMR vaccinations

in the same journal edition the original paper was published, there was another paper by other doctors saying that wankfield’s assertions seemed deeply fishy

the parents were not able to give informed consent to their kids’ medical examinations because wankfield didn't list the risks of the procedures on the ‘consent’ forms

let me say that again

the parents were not able to give informed consent to their kids’ medical examinations because wankfield didn't list the risks of the procedures on the ‘consent’ forms

honestly, if you haven’t already, you should probably just watch HBomberGuy’s video. he cites all of his sources and there is so much more insane stuff i’m not even getting into here

but like, i get parents being scared of medical stuff they don’t fully understand, i get wanting nothing but the best for your kid because they’re your kid and you want to protect them, that is a noble and reasonable thing to want to do!!

however. the SLIGHTEST glimpse at this ‘‘‘study’’’ and it becomes painfully, dangerously clear that there is no and indeed never has been any link between vaccines and autism. by refusing to vaccinate your children, you are actually putting them at more risk and in more danger.

if there’s one thing people need to understand about vaccines, it’s that they weren’t created on a whim. measles, tetanus, polio, mumps, rubella, used to KILL hundreds if not thousands of people a year:

the vaccination rate in france for measles fell below 90% around 2008 and it caused an outbreak in the population that killed at least 10 people

the effects of long-COVID are only just becoming apparent, and even young and healthy people are getting seriously harmed by infection

herd immunity is about 95% vaccination in the population, and it is so, so crucially important that everyone who can get vaccinated does get vaccinated, because people with weakened immune systems (like very young or old people, or people undergoing chemotherapy) will be relying on herd immunity to stay safe. so it isn’t just your kid you’re putting at more risk, but other people’s kids, too

and, also, one final lil’ note:

EVEN IF VACCINES DID CAUSE AUTISM (and they don’t) IT IS MUCH BETTER FOR YOUR CHILD TO BE AUTISTIC THAN TO BE KILLED BY A COMPLETELY PREVENTABLE DISEASE

other informative links in addition to HBomberGuy's video below the cut:

[theizzyryder]

bro my day was a ROLLERCOASTER. thought seb had great chances of recovery through the rain. i sit down. watch race. see a barbecue on seb‘s brakes. see him being dragged to the pit-lane. try to stay positive. can‘t stay positive because of the fucking penalty. see him struggle AND RETIRE ONE LAP BEFORE THE END OF THE RACE. oh and don‘t get me started on russell. man deserved those points GOT ROBBED! quite frankly, i wanna speak to the manager of the fia as to why they make me suffer everyday. class-action lawsuit? you bet your ass. seb better get a good race next time, or else! >:(

SERAAAAA I AGREE.

Like it started raining and my hopes got up and I was a lucky girl. Then I saw the thing about Seb’s brakes and I panicked. Seeing him start in pits made my heart DROP. Add another 5 sec penalty as if our lives weren’t hard enough already. AND THEN THE ENTIRE RACE WAS A MESS. Like a complete mess. I was so pissed off by half the drivers. Lewis did prove again why he is the goat tho.

But all in all

I just wanted to curl up like a ball and stop existing.

I HATE THIS SPORT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also thanks for the ask, love you and have a wonderful evening💞💞💞

💌asks

[sims2stillbycara]

Talk about how the mighty have fallen. Anto used to kinda be the homie in the pirate days of sims 2. But ya’ll really glamorized buying wholesale into capitalism. I’m all for earning a living for your work. I have seen so many creators who I’d be more than willing to support if I had the funds to, and I encourage my friends who do to do so. But not only do you technically not actually own any of your CC (EA does because they’re monsters), but you’re not actually supposed to make profit from it (which I kinda disagree with tbh for a number of reasons). The early access model that became wildly popular here I think is great, or just making your post on Patron in general so people can see a direct avenue to support creators on. But I’m never gonna support completely private content creators, which is fine, it’s not for me.

What I will openly rally AGAINST is putting ANY KIND OF SPYWARE on CC. It’s incredibly invasive and violates a user’s right to privacy/expectations of privacy. That’s illegal hoe, I hope someone slaps you with a class action lawsuit faster than you can add a swatch. You already made you’re money and you’re just being petty because you’re a dumb bitch. People pirating your shit were NEVER going to pay you, you were never going to earn from them, but you’re so damn outta touch you don’t even know that. This is straight up elitist prick behavior. Someone remove the spyware and bring back patreon must be destroyed. THAT I will give money to even tho I’m broke af rn, and I don’t even want your janky hi poly shit, I just wanna piss ya’ll off. Also how dare you disrespect your paying customers, imagine if you bought a cupcake and you got banned from kroger because they saw you share half of it with a friend. This is stupid af. These people are paying for access to your CC, regardless of you TOU they are legally allowed to share it because you’re not actually the sole owner of the CC, every person that uses it in game owns it. 1. If someone sells you a product (CC) with spyware (trackers, downloaders, etc) in it, THEY ARE VIOLATING YOUR RIGHT TO PRIVACY AND YOU CAN SUE THEM FROM ANYWHERE BECAUSE IT WAS NOT DISCLOSED.

2. Fuck all of these people. They’re not your friends, they’re not your senpais or whatever it is kids say these days, they’re using you. You are a number and a profit margin, not a person. This is commercial artwork now. No more emotionally invested in you than a McDonald’s happy meal smile. They are literally spying on ALL of you because some people shared their work which has not cost them anything because the people it’s shared to wouldn’t have subscribed anyway.

3. Unsubscribe from any patreon known to be doing this, openly boycott them, blast them anywhere and everywhere, report them to patreon. I’m gonna go back to making shit I never post now. Fuck all this shit.

edit: This isn’t drama, it’s dangerous and disrespectful.

[larryfic-recs]

Do u know any percy jackson au? Also could u recommend some wattpad fics other than jeddiejay and larry_lashton?❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Hi! I’ve only found one Percy Jackson au and its quite short. But I’ll also rec another fic where Harry is Cupid (the love god that shoots arrows at ppl’s asses and makes them fall in love lol) and it’s a very good read! And about wattpad, please follow my account pattycake18 and Jen’s account _SweetDisposition_ and add our fic to your library link here! We have lists of the fics that we have read so you can look through those. In the meantime I’ll rec a few of my favorites. As far as wattpad authors go, Britt1DForLife, TrulyMadlyLarry, LarryWriting, onedirection23rd, bestwriterever8, uniquelyxlarry, gaysicle, LemonSuccubus, EvouzAg, booandhazzababe, and smileyourepretty have some good ones.

- Ami xx

Like a Drum (Baby, Don’t stop Beating) by exitthequitters (1k words, percy jackson au!)

They walk through the camp together hand in hand, past the big house where Chiron waves happily at them, past the strawberry field where Louis first kissed Harry, past the lake where Louis first met Zayn and Liam, past the dinning hall where Niall sat down next to Louis before he knew he shouldn’t, and to Harry’s cabin.

Or, they’re all sons of Greek gods at a summer camp for demigods.

cupid’s defence by rhuubarb (100k words, WIP [two chapters left])

“Of course, the ONE time a ridiculously attractive man shows up at Louis’ home, butt naked, he turns out to be an arrogant love god. Not only that, but he’s an arrogant love god facing a multi-million pound lawsuit, possible banishment from Mount Olympus, and a shit ton of adjustment issues.”

Alternatively: Harry is Cupid, Louis and Liam own a law firm, and they’re all getting sued.

Wattpad Recs:

Victorian Boy by AudreyHornesHeart (WIP, currently reading and loving)

Harry the virgin Duke of Somerset knows little of love, while Louis the sly Duke of Warwick knows too much. When the two dukes come together for the annual fox hunt in Yorkshire, Harry finds himself drawn into Louis’ bed. But when secrets from the Louis’ dark past come to light, Harry fears that the fox isn’t the only one being hunted.

17 Black by larrys_fedora (WIP, slow burn, but amazingly written)

When sassy, stubborn high school football star Louis Tomlinson meets the new hard-ass team coach, Harry Styles, a heated rivalry sparks between the two and it is evident that the upcoming season is sure to be eventful.

no homo by louvinglouis (WIP, funnest fic I’ve ever read!)

louist91: I kinda really wanna suck your dick 

louist91: no homo tho 

my summary: Texting au where Louis and Harry fall in love over funny messages but Louis always ends them with #NoHomo. They eventually meet in person, along with Niall, Liam, and Zayn, and the madness only continues.

Thin Walls by beautifulnightmare2 (complete)

Louis moves into a flat while he’s at university, his next-door neighbour, Harry, who he’s never seen is rather loud at night. Louis confronts him about said noise and the two start to chat through the rather thin wall between their bedrooms. Will they ever meet, and if they do… what could ensue for the both of them?

Wanted Most by LarryWriting (complete)

Louis Tomlinson is a thief, and a damn good one at that. Most have heard of him. Most don’t understand him. And Harry Styles is the FBI agent who can never seem to catch him

these bountiful silences by tommoandbambi (complete)

They live in a world where they’re only allowed to say four words a day. Harry meets some people that don’t want to live that way. 

i sleep naked by uniquelyxlarry (complete)

“you’re so small.” as if to prove his point, louis squeezed harry tightly in his arms, and harry just scrunched up a little bit, snuggling his head impossibly farther into louis’ chest. “my pretty paper doll.”

and when louis squeezed him again, placing a shaky, yet warm kiss on harry’s cold forehead, harry felt his heart feel that way again, he felt love. a soft flutter, that even the most self control in the world couldn’t stop. he loved louis. he loved him even though he didn’t want to, he really didn’t.

okay, maybe a little.

17BLACK by obeylarry (complete)

17Black: a gay strip club in London known for hot strip teases, a talented dj, and matchmaking? Harry is moving to London as a new addition to 17Black - new penthouse, hot job, amazing pay - sounds great. Sure it is a clear violation of Harry’s sexuality, but it’s not gay unless you make it gay, right? Plus it’s only for a month anyway. And of course, time flies when you meet a cute bloke named Louis. Who knows? A lot can happen in a month.

Elf Bites ❄ by simmerup (WIP, Christmas au)

“Deck the halls with balls of toenails, fa-la-la-la-la, I hate your beard.”“I don’t have a beard.”“I know.  It’s pathetic.”

A jolly AU where Harry is an elf-in-training who quits his job and moves to London after the Elder Elves cancel Christmas in the North Pole.  He plans to stay in London after that…but he decides to save his favorite holiday instead.  And he may or may not enlist the help of his favorite human and full-time scrooge, Louis.

Wicked by gaysicle (complete, fairy tale au)

ursula lives under the sea with her surprisingly beautiful son. she gives him legs so he can get revenge on ariel by killing her daughter, but he gets his own ideas when he views peter pans son

Fading by tothemoonmydear (complete, one of the best)

Louis knows about beauty; the combination of qualities that pleases the aesthetic senses. He creates that combination every day in the garments he designs while studying fashion at uni. The cut of the design, the color of the fabric, the intricacy of the stitching; it all comes together to create something beautiful. When the science student with the long legs and dimpled smile agrees to model for him, Louis decides he’s found beauty personified. Harry just thinks Louis needs someone to show him how beautiful he is.

If I Could Fly by alessandra (complete)

If the sea can meet the sky agreeably at the horizon, how much harder can it truly be for feathers and fins? Is the water not drawn naturally to the shore? Does the sun not bend down to kiss the waves at the end of the day?

A Larry Stylinson-inspired fairy tale AU that’s mostly fluff with a dash of angst, and a lil adventure thrown in for good measure (feat: merman!harry & harpy!louis characters by pass-the-pencil)

Just Say You Love Me, Just For Today by _SweetDisposition_ (complete, my personal fav by Jen!)

A Larry Stylinson Parent Trap Au

Boys Divisional School of Manners by boybands77 (complete)

What the fuck is the purpose to a manners school? Not what I was expecting I’ll tell you that. Basically a BDSM school fic.

Fight For Me by Mie1412 (complete, no smut)

“So, we’re friends?” Louis asked timidly, his blue eyes looking up at Harry through his lashes, Harry’s chest suddenly feeling all weird.

   Fuck everything. His life really was one big mess at the moment but maybe he should just go with the flow and see what happens. Couldn’t get any crazier than it already has been anyway.

   "Yeah… we’re friends.“

   [Or the one where Harry’s an underground boxer, Louis’ the prize and now Harry has to fight to protect him]

Four’s Company by vampire_angel_z (complete, and theres a sequel)

The Styles Triplets need a mate. Louis is too good to be true. 

Purple Reign by LemonSuccubus (complete, please read the warnings)

“Love is for fools; and I, Louis Tomlinson, am not meant to have any lover other than myself.”

Purple Rain /ˈpɝː-//reɪn/: A of feeling or emotion brought on by the memory of a regretful action, resulting in the personal knowledge that what has transpired cannot be corrected or undone.

Hunting the Belgian forest as a falconer for the royal family is where Louis and his brother Niall find sanctuary.  A regal living within the stone walls of the castle is the only haven the prince’s cousin, Harry, has ever known.  Their lives shouldn’t cross paths, but when word gets around that Harry could be a new candidate for Louis’ notorious promiscuity, the two find themselves in uncharted waters.  

Though Louis believes that love is for fools, he can’t help but find himself becoming a fool for Harry.  Their serendipitous love is only beginning to flourish when royal secrets emerge and test their loyalty.

Baby Heaven’s in your Eyes by smileyourepretty (complete)

They couldn’t be more different if they tried.

Louis Tomlinson is 17 years old and in his last year of the most prestigious private school in Doncaster, before then he’s off to Uni. He has big plans for his future, and thanks to his parent’s money he will have no problem achieving them. Everyone who attends his school knows him thanks to his incredibly rich family, sassy attitude and gorgeous girlfriend, Eleanor Calder. If there’s one thing that completely annoys him, it’s that there is a community college right across the street from St. Mark’s Private School, and he has to look at the poor, totally inappropriate students that go there.

Harry Styles is 19 years old, and (once again) in his last year of college. He goes to Doncaster’s community college, just because the Holmes Chapel comprehensive expelled him twice in the span of two years, so he and his family had to move to another town. He has no future because he never shows up to classes and if he actually bothers to, he’s either high or drunk; sometimes both. His skin is littered with tattoos and if there’s one thing he absolutely hates, it’s the snobby students attending the private school right across from his, who think they’re better than anyone just because their parents have money.

When they meet, Louis is nothing but disgusted by the tattooed boy, and Harry can’t help but laugh at the innocent yet sassy boy with blue eyes and amazing arse.

Or a sixth form!AU where Harry is the fucked up bad boy with too many problems, Louis is the perfect rich boy with too much money and their schools are right across from each other. They meet at a party and that’s the last (and maybe the only) thing they need.

Whatever It Takes by bestwriterever8 (complete, mpreg)

Louis Tomlinson always wanted to have children.

At the age of 29 and after years of failed relationships he decided he wasn’t going to wait for the right person anymore, so he had a baby on his own.

But what will happen when that child gets sick? What will Louis be willing to do to save his child’s life?

Detention by TrulyMadlyLarry (complete)

Detention is supposed to be a punishment, but for Louis and Harry, it’s the start of something beautiful.  Unfortunately, what starts off as a harmless love affair quickly takes a turn for the worse.  Through all the stereotypes, judgments, family issues, and demons from the past, Louis and Harry struggle to stay strong.  What happens in detention, stays in detention.

Strip Me Clean by onedirection23rd (complete)

After Harry had grown up in an orphanage since birth, he finally escaped.

He left.

He couldn’t take being in the place anymore.

At the age of 16, Harry was already on the streets.

He needed a job and now.

When he runs into a man, he gets offered a job that he never thought he’d be doing.

And now, at the age of 22, Harry was one of the best strippers in his clan.

Harry hated the job. He just hated people in general.

But, it did pay well.

When Louis goes into this strip club for his birthday, what happens when he produces feelings for the dark eyed, loud mouth stripper boy who hates relationships, hugging, kissing, hand holding, physical contact, and more?

Louis wants one thing.

To strip Harry clean.

The Housekeeper by onedirection23rd (incomplete)

Harry was just a poor housekeeper… a maid, a caretaker of homes. He had absolutely nothing going for him. He was back and forth on trying to settle in a proper place, but he never made enough money to do so. Harry was always stuck and always came across problems.

That was until he met Louis Tomlinson.

Who was Louis exactly?

Well, he was one of the richest people in London.

Louis had a perfect life.

He had a perfect girlfriend, Eleanor, he had a perfect house, he had a perfect job, he had perfect friends, he had a perfect everything.

Harry would have never expected a job of such worth, but it came about at complete random.

One of Louis’ managers had hired Harry off the bat after Louis had fired his old maid, in search for a new one.

Of course, it started off as any house Harry has taken care of, he would clean up, cook, and go home, unless he was allowed to stay at the home he took care of (which rarely happened).

It was nothing.

Louis only saw Harry as his housekeeper with a shy attitude.

And Harry only saw Louis as his ‘master’ with a big ass ego.

They were opposites, polar opposites.

But… opposites attract, don’t they?

[prorevenge]

My kid does 13K in damage to studio equip, we handle it like lunatics.

[Part 1]

Some background:

I'm an audio engineer and score arranger full time in my self-owned business. It's how I provide for myself, my fiancée (also CF), and my mother. I record, mix, and master for bands, voice-overs for local commercials, and write music for people's weddings, college films, indie games, etc.. It was my passion since I was a child and every day I ask myself why I get paid to do what I do.

You know, until today.

I had a woman schedule to come in because she wanted me to record her monologue for an acting class. I thought it was going to be easy enough. I set up a mic and a music stand in the sound booth and got my workstation prepped for tracking. She was supposed to show up at 3:30, so when 4:00 came around, I called her to ask her if she was still coming. It was my last contract for the day and I was wanting to get home to my fiancée, dogs, and dinner.

"Oh, sorry sweetie, I'm going to be there soon. I just had to get my son from ex-boyfriend."

Uh oh.

4:12, she showed up with her child.

To preface, I've never really wanted kids, and don't really hate them either. But I've been childfree of mind for a decade now in league of several bad child experiences in public.

Anyway, I sat her down at the conference table and tried to talk to her about the contract and billing, etc., and just couldn't because of the six-years-old pile of ovary droppings next to her.

"Mommy it's cold in here." "Mommy, I'm bored." "Mommy, that guy has girl hair." "Mommy, I want to play on the phone."

The incessant whining went on for the entirety of the discussion. She did nothing about it. I had an ache in my stomach that this might be a rough session.

I was right.

I showed her to the sound booth, positioned the mic at face level, told her the basics of mic use, and then she floored me with a question.

"Can my son stay in there with you while I do this?" I insisted that he wait in the conference room (across the hall from the control room) because the control room wasn't a very kid-friendly place considering the 120K of equipment at arms reach.

"But he's a little angel."

I shouldn't have taken her word for it. I SHOULD NOT have taken her word for it. This kid was ANYTHING but. I let him in, told him to sit in one of the office chairs and don't touch anything. Needless to say, he touched. I queued the recording arm and signaled her to start. She got three lines into her take before I hear a deafening screech and crash.

That little shit machine had just knocked over a $4,000 Korg into a rack with $9,500 of equipment. Completely shattered the touchscreen on the Korg, busted the dials off of half of the effects, and totaled my distressor that I use for almost all the vocals I track.

All of this, by the way, was the room's length apart from where I told the crotch goblin to stay.

The kid, because of the loud noise, started full-lung screaming. Not crying. Not yelling. Screaming.

The mother, with no hesitation, ran over to the control room and DEMANDED to know what I did to her child. She cussed at me and accused me of hurting her little snot monster. Threatened to sue and even swung at me. When I told her that her precious angel had just racked up at least twelve grand of damages, she said "good", spit on me, then stormed out, slamming every door on the way. So I pulled the security camera footage and had filed a police report. Grand total: $13,504.25. I also mailed her the bill for her session for good measure.

Of six years in the studio, this is my only truly terrible experience. Fuck mombies. Fuck having children. Thanks for making my vasectomy decision that much easier on me.

[Part 2]

I'm going to start off and say that this community is bad ass. With legal advice, moral support, and inquiry of the trade, you guys/gals/other have made this whole endeavor a bit easier on me.

Cheers.

Okay, since Sunday, I've managed to speak with my insurance company, my lawyer, some repair techs, the police (again), and my urologist. For the sake of good storytelling, I'll organize this chronically.

Monday:

I left a message for my insurance agent about all this. I then called some repair techs about getting my Korg and the distressor repaired to potential working order, and to no avail. The distressor would have costed two grand to repair (on a $1,320 piece), so I wait on my insurance payout to replace it. Korg, apparently, has no replacement parts available anywhere in the US for their flagship keyboard, so another $4k down the drain. The dials on the rest of the effects rack can be easily fixed. May not look as stellar, but what can you do. At least it survived an attack from an over-metastasized cumshot. I ordered replacement dials from my local electronics store and mailed out the session bill to Mombie. Beyond that, I got in touch with a friend in Memphis who was gracious enough to lend me his Portico 5042 in the meantime. Should be arriving some time Friday.

Tuesday:

Boy oh boy. I went to my lawyer's office to see what could be done about Mombie's actions. He's thinking it'd just be best to let the insurance company go after the property damages, and that it'd be too expensive for me to recruit him for what the insurance company will do by themselves. As per the assaults are concerned, he asked me to gather all evidence (Video, contract, police report) and said that since no bodily harm was caused, it'd be the best idea to go to civil court rather than criminal, and file for a protective order. The words "emotional damages" were emphasized. He was very specific about not posting any of the evidence. As long as what I post remains vague, doesn't mention any identifying information, it doesn't stand in court.

"Make sure you can say it is a made up story if asked."

We also discussed revising my contract, more info on that when we get to it. Beyond that, I decided to jump the gun and inquire about a vasectomy. I have an appointment with my GP on the 7th of March.

Wednesday:

Reader beware, this is where it gets cringy. I'd grab a stiff drink if I were you. I opened the studio back up and got back to work. I had a voicemail left for me on the studio phone. A "lawyer", toting the most deep fried country accent I've heard, called me from a "Ford & Handcock" law firm (which I couldn't find anywhere on the internet) threatening "Immediate sueing" for "Sexual rape harassment" for filing a police report against his "client."

Here's the transcript of what I could understand through his dumpster fire of an accent: (I swear I'm not making this up) "Yeah, this is [withheld] from Ford & Handcock callin' to tell you that you're gonna get immediate sueing for what you did to my girlfri- client and her baby boy. Y'all know as well as I do that [unintelligible noises] was nothin' short of sexual rape harassment and that you're goin' ta be in a lawsuit if you don't delete the cop report you made up(?)."

I couldn't breathe, I was laughing too hard.

Once I regained my composure, I called back to inquire about this impending doom that I was promised by this product-of-incest harbinger. The call was forwarded to their voicemail inbox, where it opened up with the aforementioned accent, saying:

"Hey, this is [different name than the "lawyer"] and [mombie's name] and we're not here right now so if you could leave..."

So on.

So I just hung up and called my fiancee, emailed her the voicemail and asked her to listen to it, just to hear her sniffling and cackling like a maniac at the sound of this guy's six-inches-deep-in-cousin accent and overall misunderstanding of the american law system. I recorded the voicemail onto a thumbstick and giving it to my lawyer along with the video, police report, etc..

Thursday:

As of this morning, no call back from my insurance adjuster, so I'm just going to wait on that. I'm sitting by the phone, so if I get another call from "Ford & Handcock", I can deliver the "Do not call back/stop harassing me" line, so I can add that to the list of potential charges if it becomes a thing. Not very much else happened beyond that, and I'll keep you lot updated. Thanks for your support. *Edited to fix a phone auto-correct, what was supposed to say "Ford & Handcock" said "Ford & Hitchcock". Sorry all.

[Part 3]

There has been a... development with the mombie, dr /professor/lawyer/part time absent-father from Ford and Handcock.

I said in the update I posted before (Links at the bottom) that I had a call from a "lawyer" from one "Ford and Handcock", and am practically on standby for another call from said "lawyer".

Well, that call came on Friday.

So, guy called back, my fiancee was in the studio with me while we were taking turns playing Dishonored 2 on a "workstation" pc doing very important adult-like studio work, and his message for me was practically a carbon copy of the last one. I gave him the "Do not call back/stop harassing me" bit, to which he said

"That law don't apply to me. I'm a laawwyyeerr. I can do whatever the hell I need to do to do the law, even if it takes lethal deadly force" [sic]

Given the threat, I called the police, filed a report, gave them the original recording of the call and kept a copy for myself.

My wife-to-be did notice that the inbred gave the pseudonym "Conrad McMasters", which she recognized from the TV show "Matlock". Go figure.

So, skipping on to tonight.

We came back to the studio to pick up a laptop for my mum to use while in the hospital (just a minor fall injury, she'll make a full recovery), and noticed that the handle on the exterior door had been jerked loose. So, I told Fiancee to get back into the car and park down the street, have 911 dialed, don't come out until the all clear, call the police if she heard gunshots. I drew my handgun and looked around the place.

I didn't find anything, but the windows and outside door were damaged with what seemed like an attempted break-in, and a "Cash Express" post-it-note stuck to the stoop that said "U fucked up".

Shout out to U/VanillaG6790 (hope I'm formatting this correctly) for suggesting that I put cameras outside the studio alongside the interior ones. I only have one installed as of yet (DIY), facing the front door. So, I made sure nobody was around, waved Fiancee back to the studio, we got in, locked up, and backed up the security footage to see what we could find.

Lo and Behold, Mombie's car. A man (maybe the singletoothed re-imagining of Mr. McMasters from before?) yanked on the outside door with the veracity of a chimpanzee in the prime of mating season, walked out of frame (in the direction of the aforementioned windows) and stayed out of frame for about fifteen minutes, before returning just to scribble on the note and stick it on the stoop. He then saw the camera, shot the biggest 'O SHIT' face, and scurried back to his methmobile and sped off.

So to recap, we have a clear-view copy of:

His license plate

His attempted breaking-and-entering

His face. The pez-dispenser looking motherfucker practically spiked the lens for five seconds.

Police were called for this too. Details will be submitted post-trial, and I'll contact my lawyer first thing in the morning.

I tried doing it just now, but, DUH, it's Sunday, his office is closed.

Anyway, you guys are awesome. The advice I'm getting from you lot is saving me so much grief. I'm contacting the Bar association to tell them about the actions of Dr./Professor/Matlock-Impersonator/absent-father.

By the way, Meeting with GP (and then hopefully my urologist) next Tuesday in attempts at getting snipped.

Oh, and I've gotten most of the dials my equipment repaired, I ordered another KRONOS, another distressor, and got the Portico 5042 on Friday as a temporary stand-in. I have to give it to the Portico. Not bad. Not bad at all.

I'll keep you all updated as things happen, but I'm not sure when it may be. I'll post a micro-update on how the appointment goes on the 7th.

(source) (story by deleted)

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 060621

6 June, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Sunday! Things are going very well here in Old Town, and it is my job that consumes most of my thoughts lately. For all the time I’ve spent talking about my casino career, it’s still just a part-time job right now. I’m only working about 7 hours a day, and only 4 days a week. So far, this has worked out great for me, because working full time at Progressive just about broke my brain. But, as I keep reminding myself, being an auditor full time at the Hollywood Hotel, Casino and Raceway in Bangor, Maine is probably going to be different from working full time taking phone calls from car accident victims. First, and most obviously, I won’t have to be cheerful and professional for customers all damn day. Some of this I already talked about last week.

Something I’ve noticed about my workplace: I am not monitored to make sure I’m working every second I’m there. And everybody swears. It’s getting truly glorious, all the swearing I’m being exposed to, now that I’ve been there long enough for everyone to learn that I’m cool with it. My boss, a skinny brainiac, and an I.T. woman got into a friendly tussle fight in my cubicle not long ago, with me in it, trying to work. And they were climbing on each other, calling each other, “Fucking bitch! Don’t break my...fucking bitch! You’re the fucking bitch!” and laughing their asses off. Progressive was far too lawsuit-averse to allow such merriment; everyone involved would have been terminated, and I’d probably get a $20 Starbucks gift card for the mental anguish it caused. (It did not cause any.)

Anyway, going full time at the casino will be a big deal for me, because I haven’t done it for many years. I mentioned Progressive ruining the experience for me. In order to keep working there for the last five or so years I was there, I only worked 6 hours a day. It was foolish, sticking with a job I disliked so much, for so long. (Glad I quit doing that.) But my boss at the casino, and his boss, and all the bosses, seem to think I’m not only doing well, but I’m doing very well there. My boss Tyler just expressed his surprise last week, when he realized I’d only been there for about 6 weeks. Because of how well I was doing with the audits, he had allowed himself to believe I’d been there a while longer.

To add a degree of difficulty to everything, there’s only three of us doing audits: myself, Tyler, and Chris. Chris is a large American fellow with a large American pickup truck, and he’s been auditing there for about 7 years, so he is also very good at it. Chris has decided to pursue a new career elsewhere, so at any moment, he is expected to give his two week’s notice, and then it’s just me, Tyler, and a new guy they hired. The new guy may be awesome, but he’ll still be two months behind me. (I therefore outrank him, and can make him do pushups if I want to.) and the three of us will attempt to do it all, just as summer is heating up, and we’re beginning to reopen all the restaurants and gaming tables since Covid shut them down. It should be challenging, but then, I’m apparently getting good at it, so bring it on.

Since I’ve decided to go full time with my job, I’ve decided I can stop worrying about running out of savings and having to eat cat food. Because of that, and the fact that I’m now fully vaccinated, I’ve put my home drive-in theater plan into action. I have to admit, I’m pretty excited about this shit. I have purchased a cheap digital projector. This is a shoebox-sized gizmo that projects a TV image, and has built-in speakers. So it’s a TV, but it’s projecting the image, so you need a screen, or a flat white wall. And it’s important that the space be dark, so the image is more clearly visible. Brightness of image is a big deal, especially if you want to use it during the day. Thanks to living in the future, these projectors are getting quite bright, and quite sharp, while costing less and less all the time. I was able to get a good one that comes with a screen for cheap.

The plan is this: I hang the screen on the side of my trailer next to the little rectangular patch of grass that constitutes our “yard.” There is an external electrical outlet just there, and I have an extension cord. Soon as there’s a Saturday with no bad weather in the forecast, I’ll invite the plant scientist guy, and his husband, and/or whomever, and we’ll sit outside in camping chairs and watch a movie projected onto the side of my trailer. I think this idea is pretty damn awesome, if I say so. The question then becomes: what do I show first? Since this would be the christening of Rick’s Backyard Drive-In Movie Show Palace, it should be something that has gravitas without being overly long. I’m thinking of the original Star Wars from 1977, or Close Encounters, or 2001: A Space Odyssey. I could also choose something that is not science fiction. But the point is, I’ll be projecting it onto a large screen, so it’s best if it’s something that looks impressive. Also it will be nice if it doesn’t traumatize the neighbors. (No loud Apocalypse Now helicopter attacks at midnight.) Maybe Blade Runner. Oh shit, that’s still science fiction. I keep thinking Lawrence of Arabia, but that shit is four hours long. Ditto for The Ten Commandments, though some folks I know would probably include The Ten Commandments in the science fiction category too.

So yeah, this is going to be pretty nice, once I get everything up and running. I have to install some kind of hooks that will hold the screen up. I have to try to get the screen flat, with a window and decorative shutters in the way. I have to make sure the external outlet works properly. Gotta wire it all up and test it, to get the projector positioned and focused. Then I gotta break it all down and bring it inside to store it, so nothing gets rained on. I have that popcorn machine that I can put outside, too. Hey, you fly Weidmann, you fly first class, baby!

It pleases me greatly to say that not much else is happening around here. The two cats are constantly playing together, although, because it is getting warmer, they don’t spend as much time sleeping on top of each other. Our neighbors recently ran out of cat food, so we bought them some, and now the neighbor wants to pay me back with weed. (My god, isn’t this place just the best?) And, like I said, the bosses at the job like me well enough that they’d like to see a lot more of me in the office each week. Also, my car, Beige Lightning, is running just fine and turned 100,000 miles while I was on my way to work Tuesday. I was too busy enjoying Maine’s bucolic highway vistas to notice it at the time, but I saw it at 100,003 when I arrived at work. And, we’re having a heat wave. (A tropical heat wave!) It’s in the 90s today and for the next two days. Maine ain’t built for that shit, so we’re going to have to run my beautifully-decorated AC unit a lot more than we’d anticipated. Glad we got it!

Hopefully nothing too exciting will happen over the next week, but I know I’m going to learn a new kind of audit that is very complicated. I’ll probably be in the thickest, most frustrating part of the learning process by next weekend, but I’ll be sure not to let it shorten my letter.

Stay cool! All my love to you both!

[beautifullybrokensblog-blog]

Life Imatating art. Im a warrior. Dont get it wrong i have survived, but im not a survivor IM A WARRIOR!

#evenMorriganwascrushbylove, #homewreckerthisallyou #owie

  Are you proud of Who You Are. Do you like Who You Are. I don’t know how you could! I couldn’t like somebody  who purposely hurts children and ruins their homes. I couldn’t like someone who would knowingly cause pain 4 no reason other then she had a ache in her crotch. Did it make you feel accomplished or strong, 2 get your hands on my husband. Real strength is in doing what’s right. Strong women get their own man,  not act like sneaky whoring holes that cant understand right from wrong. How do you sleep at night I ask because my children can’t they keep having nightmares about a divorce or if I leave.   You took their security way.  Shame on you curse you they dont deserve someone like you taking there home and family from them on a whim, how alful. You put them through this only because you want to see if you could, just some game to you, a challenge but its nothing, you dont even really cared about anyone. you have destroyed seven people my family is shattered your affair with my husband has stripped my home of joy so I asked you are you proud? it doesn’t seem right that you get to smile well my adult children worry about a mother that seems empty anymore they watch me fight for so long just to live now i wish i hadnt.  Why did you walk in and take what little bit of joy and hope and happiness I had. Take the pride of family and make it a joke. You took form him to my husband, he lost the respect, lost the trust of his children wife nieghbors church.  You stole from the children the sleep and carefree youth,   the younger two keep having nightmares since this happened they’re afraid if I leave or we get divorced what will happen to them,they  remember what it was like before me and they know what it’s been like   up until now the short lived happiness of family and wholeness and none of us are sure we can do that anymore and here’s a really screwed-up thing if you cared about him you would have thought about these things you would have thought about the fact that if I don’t pay the rent and I’m not here if I leave my husband he will lose this house because he cannot even afford the rent on his income  muchless add electrinity Child Care  food xcetera.   I on the other hand would be just fine my monthly annuity would go up by $450 my medical would be reinstated at full free and I have family here now. I am heartbroken I truly have lost everything I love my family but you don’t care about that you just wanted to get laid. I want you to fully understand the situation you caused the selfishness of your actions I hope someday that you feel the anguish of having to go on while  simultaneously know that the happiness  the joy and the trust, everything you believed has dissolved just suddenly gone. because some girl walked into your life ripped your family like you did mine. I hope that you have to hit your knees like I do and that you pray you wont wake up the next morning  because these nothing worth the pain you gonna feel.  and I hope you feel the crushing despair of waking up the next morning and knowing you’re still there and the situation still exist and then the other woman still exist but she’s smiling and you’ve got  no smiles only uncertainty there is no choices left really, cant leave without children lossing everything, dont want stay anymore because now there is nothing to stay for. And you cant just get over it and forgive because you nolonger have a heart to forgive with.  I hope you have to come to a decision for sake of the children because without you they won’t have a home they won’t have their care because you’re the only mother they’ve ever had and see it’s a little different than other children because these kids have already gone through being abandoned these kids have already been shipped from foster home to foster home.  and while your head spins and you can’t think straight and all you hear is your own silent screaming inside. you have to paste on a smile and you have to do day-to-day life and you have to see doctors and therapist and help your children and you have to pretend everything’s okay even though you’re dead inside. The love you felt is fire that only burns you tourtures you.  they emptiness were your faith in love and husband were  is now dark cold ugly  impossising and swallows all hope all of  you like black whole devoring your soul .And the pain spreads he looses frieds and his family, then three verry good people who called him dad nolonger can look at him with out shame and anger. we are all stuck in a Time Loop of endless imploding doom what gives you the right to be so flippent with other people lives and well being.  You devastated me in a way ( I have to give you credit because you did to me but cancer couldn’t, being raped couldn’t, losing family couldn’t) your actions brought me to my knees your actions have taken form my kids their sense of values our sense of family their belief in wedding vows loyalty and honesty. you ruined the respect for their father and you’ve left them wondering if relationships never work. If anybody is ever faithful because I mean Dad couldn’t do it,  oh but I did and there witnessed to what i got for it.   All I can do is think about the whole situation over and over and there is no going backwards no matter what I do there’s no fixing it it’s just too smashed up. One of the things I thought of since my husband wasn’t exactly faithful honest or trustworthy wasn’t exactly respectful of our marriage. Maybe he wasn’t completely honest with you either about me. So I introduce myself I am the woman the wife the mother you so casually took all hope from. the ones whose foundest memories are now only painful I am his wife we have been for 8 years you probably don’t know. But when I met him he had nowhere to live is children were in foster care and about to be adopted out his oldest son had already been adopted . He was struggling to get sober, he had court issues and fines and a record. but I fell in love so I gave him a place to live with me and my children in my home and I filed all the paperwork with the courts to get his kids back I took him to all of his DUI classes & parenting classes, anger management things that he had to do for the courts. I took him for his drug testing I got him his Sr 29 I paid for his alcohol classes and I made sure that he was able to go through with every hoop CPS through at him. and then together we went back to court with CPS and we got custody now something you should know is his little daughter Mia and Andrew had been in the foster care system being bounced around for almost 1&½ yrs at that point they were only 33mo and six when I brought them home.  It was hard those first 6 years I was the sole provider. So he could do all the things that the courts and CPS wanted him to do. Then there was his criminal history he was unable to get a job so I got all the paperwork and I wrote his dissertation for his judge and I got a lawyer to stand in court with him so he had an opportunity actually talk to the judge and I expunged his record. now he has been working for just over a year. And this last month March was the first month in 8 years that my husband’s pay any rent we split it.  he has contributed to electric bill twice in 8 years. so you see I keep the roof over our heads and his children I keep the power on I get them to school I take them to doctors to therapy I do the all the homework I clean the whole house, he doesn’t do housework at least never has I do the laundry I watch the children this is my day. I get up at 5:30 I have half hour to make coffee take a shower and come to life before I wake up the kids they get on a school bus at 6:30 then I clean the house I start whatever laundry check to see what bills need to be paid or what appointments need to be kept and then my husband rolls out of bed at 10 I drop him off at work we leave here at 11:30 I get back home at 12:30 I now have two hours to clean other people’s toilets to subsidize our income so I can put food on the table because at 2:30 somebody has to be here to get Andrew off the bus because if you don’t know Andrew is physically and mentally disabled and he requires 24/7 care it does not go to regular school he’s in a day program Mia gets home at 4:30 usually I’ve gotten Andrews homework done by then I know it’s time to Mia. Next I have to make dinner so it can be served at 6:30 cuz one of the things with Andrew is autism and he has to have a schedule thats consistent or it throws him into episode he also has ADHD and oppositional Defiance disorder which means that any day the school can call me to come pick him up because he’s not getting along. if im not here what happens to them.  I can make it with out him I do have my annuity from the cancer.  A long fought lawsuit after years ago the government put a magnesium plant at the bottom of the hill we lived on. my mother, father, three Sisters two brothers and my grandmother have all died from cancer I am sole Survivor after 12 surgerys so I get paid every month a breakup of award from the lawsuit that’s what Shawn lives off my misfortunes. I have to stay up and get him after work, and am expected to have time together while he unwinds after work im lucky if i get more than 4 hrs a sleep a day. I havent had a day with out his kids in yrs.  I was home with his kids, paying his way, loosing my medical care while him and his kid get free medical through state, because the kids are not my bio.  so i nolonger have depents and his income is held against me but i get no bennifits or bills paid from him no it gose to his games and nights out with friends, and fucking around with you. You two get drunk and go dancing at the bar, and full around in front of all my nieghbors.  He gets pulled over and gose to jail for dui and i get all your fucked off inappropriate sex text to him.  So for all my doing “the right thing” for being his rock and wife in every sense possible.  Along comes you and 1000’s of dollars in fines and court fees and impound fees. As it is he only sees his kids while they are awke for 8 hrs wk after school on Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time hes asleep when there leaving for school and they’re already asleep when he gets home.  But you two can go out on the town?  I have only been out with my husband with out his kids 3 x in 6 yrs.  How dare you how dare both of you.  That is some shady shit, you two did to this family so dirty AND YOU HAD NO RIGHT OR REASON TOO. If there is any justice in this world i hope it finds you. I hope you get a taste of my life. I hope you get cancer, i hope you get so sick and your teath fall out from it the chemo and the puking. I home the treatment robes your bones of strenght and you get degenerate disc disease and loose use of different extremities all the time with no warning,. and you get to feel the pain of neuropathy from having a stroke. Be cause your so physically over extended and exhausted from doing it all for your family.  And I hope you fall madley deeply in love with some that you would do everything for them and you get to be a mom but to kid that are his not yours and then i hope someone like you comes along and and suduces your husband and it ruins everything and you have to hold those kids why they cry and beg you make it work cause there scared to death of the life had before you, and everyone including that other woman knows, if you go thats exactly were they will be.  So you really cant do any thing but struggle to breath and cry and hurt in ways no one ever should.  And i want you know i mean really understand what a selfish awful person you are. i want you to beg for death like i do because of you.  The only difference between us then will be you will have deserved it.

Amy cannday and your little check out friend now the world knows what you are

[mittel-schmerz-blog]

ava and olivia

I’m looking at the impossible amount of dust motes and hairs that have worked themselves into minute tumbleweeds in the space between the toilet and the wall. My cheek is pressed against the cold tile and I’m wondering how long I’ll stay down here. I was planning on just using the bathroom as usual... but then I felt a jolt.

It was Ava letting me know that she’s finished with work and will be here in an hour to pick me up.

When I first got my iBrow done it was radical; now I just think it’s fucking annoying. Eight months ago, I spent $2,500.00 on what was being hailed as ‘the only dermal piercing with a purpose’, but now I’m seriously considering getting it removed.

Honestly, the fact that notifications pop into my line of vision when I’m doing things like driving is just much more unsettling than I had anticipated. Once, I set up a Google Alert for Saint West. Then, that Thursday, as I was driving to work, I felt a shock and he was suddenly sitting right there on my dash, telling me about his latest endeavors.

Maddie sold me on getting this thing implanted in my face even though I was content with my Apple Watch. She told me how totally psychotic I looked talking into my hand in public, that this new low-touch technology would be perfect for my lifestyle. She, of course, kept her Apple Watch because she maintains that she can utilize the technology in an acceptable, ladylike manner and besides, she would look stupid with an eyebrow ring.

“God, Olivia, I don’t see why you’re content to collapse all the time,” Maddie says, exasperated. Right now she’s sitting on my bed, boring holes into my bottom half which is sticking out the door of my bathroom.

Now, sometimes, when I get a text message, I get so startled that I trip and fall. The alert is a low frequency hum, so you feel it more than you hear it. No one else on earth seems to have this problem, however. I asked the technician about it as she was putting the piercing gun to my face but all she said was, “Don’t worry, the mechanism is self explanatory” and pulled the trigger. So now I’m too embarrassed to admit to anyone that I still can’t figure it out. Even after going through all the training modules, I only ever seem to turn it off by accident.

The only thing I can do reliably is turn the whole thing off -- which seems counterproductive -- so I’m just trying to learn to live with it.

“I’m fine,” I say, but it comes out muffled because my face is glued to this floor.

Maddie can make out what I’m saying from this position even though my voice has to travel around the toilet, off the tub, and out the door to reach her. We have been here before.

“Bullshit,” she sniffs. “You’re always falling into things and then I have to scrape you off of disgusting public floors!”

“Well at least this time I fell in my own bedroom.”

“Ha.” But she’s not laughing. “You know, if you would just talk to Dr. Elano, I’m sure she would prescribe you something to prevent these spells, since you refuse to just, you know...” She Frankenstein-shudders like she’s being electrocuted.

She adds, quietly, “I know you’re down on it, but I really think a little ECT could be just the ticket.”

Electroconvulsive Therapy is the new ‘it’ thing again among celebrities and popular psychiatrists.

As far as Maddie knows, I’ve just had another fainting spell. The first time I fell in front of her, she called me a klutz. But then I got really somber and told her that, I had never told her before, but I suffer from Acute Early-Onset Clinical Ennui and that one of the symptoms was fainting in times of anxiety, and she believed me.

She doesn’t know shit about mental illness, but she reads Us Weekly enough to know words like ‘clinical’ and ‘anxiety’, and she understands them, if only in a very LA kind of way. I should just correct her, but I get a little thrill from the irony of her suggestion that I seek out convulsive therapy for my falling issue, so I let her keep suggesting it. I stifle a laugh.

“You have to admit,” I say, “The episodes are getting less and less frequent. I’m doing better!”

After the latest update, the vibrations are milder and even moderately refreshing. They still catch me off guard sometimes though and then, bam, I’m back on the floor.

“Olivia! You’re on the fucking floor! For Christ’s sake--”

To pre-empt a lecture on how I should 1) get up and 2) stop furrowing my brow she’s just trying to help I say, “Damnit, Madison, don’t start. I’m fine, okay? Just let me live.”

“I would hardly consider this living.” She pauses, pouting. “You could at least clean your bathroom regularly if you’re going to be spending extended periods of time on the floor in there. You’ve been down there for five whole minutes.”

“Nah,” I say, haltingly returning to my feet.

“Well at least take a shower. You haven’t showered in four days. Didn’t Ava say she’d be here at 7?”

“What does it matter? She’s gonna take one look at the hump on my back and leave.”

“It’s not as big as you think it is.”

“Oh really?”

“Listen, ‘Modo,” she croons, “You’re a total catch! Don’t worry about it.”

She thinks that calling me Quasimodo is funny. It’s not an actual hump but it might as well be.

I groan and pretend to shoot myself in the head and stumble into the shower.

Then, as much as I wish I didn’t, I worry about it. I worry about the superfine lines that criss-cross my body. Everyone who got an iBrow before it was debugged in June has the same all-over lightning flowers. Mine are fainter than some others’, only visible in direct lighting, but still noticeable.

The company was apparently made aware in February last year that the the radio waves emanating from the iBrow piercing caused scattered collagen inelasticity, but they didn’t go public with it until November. In the interim, the technicians made a cut on every sample of hydrating serum they could send you home with, plus they made commission on referrals to area plastic surgeons.

A class action lawsuit made it so that anyone who underwent the procedure before the system-wide upgrade is eligible for free monthly Restylane injections to counteract any premature wrinkle development caused by the technology. Getting people hooked on collagen fillers doesn’t exactly seem like justice though.

I’ve seen some of the women in my office when they’ve had to skip their standing appointments with their dermatologists, their skin sagging sadly, their faces looking like tufted couches. It’s tragic, really-- I committed too early. The current technology was so obviously on the horizon.

Another buzz. Ava says she can’t wait to meet me in person finally.

“Olivia! Don’t forget to moisturize!”

I do like she says. After I’ve toweled off and put on my bra and underwear and struggled into a dress with a too-long zipper, I spread melting coconut oil onto my ankles, knees, and elbows and then dab on a light facial sunscreen.

Once it’s had time to sink in, Maddie sits me down, her hands firm on my shoulders.

I must look nervous because she says, “Stop freaking out-- you’re gonna be fine. You like this girl, remember?”

But as much as you think you can know someone, you can never know them until you meet them in person.

Maddie expertly pulls my hair out of my face and positions it over my shoulders. She sweeps light and shadows across my face, adding to me a dimension and depth that I generally lack. She stands behind me smiling as I look at myself in the mirror. Somehow, the lightning blooming across the bridge of my nose looks charming.

Getting here, to tonight, took work. I’ve always felt uneasy about online dating, but having the profiles pop up spontaneously has taken all the pleasure out of it. Each woman seems more conventionally beautiful than the one before her. It also doesn’t help that their profile pictures appear at a 1:1 scale in front of me, which adds a disquieting sense of deja vu to every first meeting. Being single is impossible now.

The InYourFace InterfaceTM is seamless, but now it’s much more difficult to pretend I’m not just ignoring people when I don’t respond right away. It’s overwhelming to be so available all the time. Since January, I’ve steadfastly turned the iBrow off from 9:00 PM to 9:00 AM to preserve my own sanity and a healthy sleeping pattern.

Tens of women have been off-put by my mixed messages: I show only intermittent enthusiasm, according to my stats. But I’ve really, really been trying with Ava. We average 1 message exchange per 20 minutes which makes her my “Soul Mate” according to the app, up from “Sweetheart” last week. It’s the only time I’ve considered someone promising in the last four years, so I’m working my ass off.

I turn to thank Maddie but I don’t have a chance to say anything because as soon as I open my mouth, the doorbell rings. I lope over to the door as slowly as possible, trying to be cool. But I’m too excited and I can’t help but to fling the door open. When it opens, Ava is standing amid the green glare of my porch light.

In this sickening glow, she looks devastating. Her eyes are shimmering and she has these lovely, fluttering eyelashes. Light pools in the waves of her hair, making her tresses more than a little bit mesmerizing. I’m standing there thinking how thrilled I am to see her, this woman who looks so ethereal. Even though we’ve only been talking for two weeks, it feels so full and perfect.

“Hi, Olivia?”

“Ava!”

She takes the two steps between us and hugs me, taking me a bit by surprise. She laughs.

She tells me how great it is to meet me and asks if I want to check out this dive bar over on 4th that serves the most excellent fried artichoke hearts, and also, do I like fried artichoke hearts? Because she loves them.

I can barely move my mouth to respond because I am overcome by the sight of her standing here in front of me, but I manage to eke out, “Yeah! Let’s go!”

I turn around to Maddie behind me who has a grin and two thumbs up. I suppress a laugh and close the door behind me. After locking it, I turn back around and follow Ava down the stairs and onto the sidewalk.

We walk the six blocks to the bar and the conversation is light and funny. We bump forearms and exchange sideways glances, and I feel like I’m standing on the edge of something.

Over nervous beers, we talk about our weeks. I tell her that I’m dying because work is killing me. Some people have two iBrows, one work and one personal, but not me. My face has been numb all week. I tell her about my business-and-pleasure iBrow piercing, and how much I hate it, that I’m scheduling the removal for this week; I just can’t stand being this plugged in, you know? She nods along.

Sizzling golden artichoke hearts appear in front of us before she can respond. I pop one into my mouth, rhapsodic, and she coughs.

“So let me get this straight,” she says, “You hate talking to people.”

“I don’t hate talking... I just don’t like talking all the time… Is that weird?”

I push up my glasses and absently finger the lightning strike on my nose, feeling my face heat up.

“Well,” she clears her throat and shifts in her seat. “It just makes me feel like this whole thing would be kind of an imposition on you.”

“How do you mean?”

“Here’s my perspective, right?”

“Okay…” I lean in.

“I meet this girl. And I’m talking to this girl for two weeks and she seems really cool. I get to her place and I’m so excited to see her in person. We’re on a date and as she’s sitting across from me, all big eyes and dazzling wit, and she tells me that this thing that I’ve really been enjoying and wanting to expand on has been a huge chore.”

“It’s not that way at all! It’s--”

“Oh come on, you just said as much. I mean, you hardly text back-- it’s like, what are you even doing? You always have your phone on you.”

I rear back, shocked.

“For the last two weeks I’ve talked to you more than I’ve talked to anyone else, I have done nothing but swoon since you showed up on my stoop. I’m really tryin’ hard here!”

“It shouldn’t feel like work-- it should just be easy.”

She futzes with her purse like she’s getting ready to walk out of this bar.

“Wait, are you leaving? You’re writing me off after two weeks and one hour?”

“Look, Olivia, you’re entitled to talk to people on your own schedule, but I want to be with someone that wants a partner. It doesn’t sound to me like that’s something you’re interested in.”

I look at her for two long seconds, mouth open.

Slowly, I say, “I don’t know why you’re assuming that… but what you’re talking about… I guess I’m just not wired for that.”

“First of all,” she says hotly, “You are literally wired for it.”