#afraid I’ve been seeming bitchy today. no one said anything but I’m afraid

[lipstickstainz]

true lies - s. r. (6/15)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: A glimpse of your past - and an honest conversation.

Warnings: a little fluff, Spencer talking about his time in prison (spoilers), a lot of angst

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: please don’t hate me. gif not mine. 

Series Masterlist

previous part

"This is the best birthday present I've ever gotten”, Spencer grins as you walk together through Griffith Observatory. It's already evening, but it doesn't feel like you've been here all day. Around every corner there is something different to discover, exhibits to see, new things to learn, and Spencer is almost like a child, so excited is he. He can't keep still and when you stop at an exhibit, he trips from one foot to the other.

"I'm glad you like it here”, you smile as you sit down at a table at the Café at the End of the Universe. You're glad he's enjoying the trip, even though you had to fly here for it. Los Angeles isn't exactly close to D.C., but you wanted to give him something he liked that you could experience together, and a visit to Griffith Observatory seemed fitting.

The view you have from your seat is breathtaking. Los Angeles is at your feet. It's a beautiful view for a beautiful day and you're glad you're here with Spencer. "What did you like best?"

He doesn't even have to think hard before he has an answer. "The Once and Future Griffith Observatory”, he grins, and you roll your eyes.

"But that's only because Leonard Nimoy narrates." You have to grin, too. Spencer is a little transparent, which makes him incredibly endearing.

For a few minutes, you sit together in silence, enjoying the last rays of sunlight on your skin. The silence between you is anything but awkward. Ever since the beginning of your friendship, you've been able to sit together without exchanging a word, enjoying the moment without it getting weird. And although the dynamic between you has changed a bit and you've grown closer lately, it hasn't changed.

"I know you're not into all that stuff”, he interrupts the silence at one point, and you avert your gaze from Los Angeles to look at him. He runs his hand through his hair so that it falls slightly into his forehead, and the reddish glow cast on him by the last rays of the sun makes him look so incredibly handsome that you have to swallow. "Did you like it, too?"

You nod vigorously. "I don't know much about it, but you showed me that the science of the stars can be fun even if you don't look completely behind it." You want to reach across the table and take his hand, but you don't dare. "And I think it's nice to be here with you."

You can't pinpoint exactly when your friendship changed. Since you started working at BAU, you had hit it off and become fast best friends, and you value his friendship very much. But lately you see him in a different light and you can sense that he feels the same, but neither dares to make the first move. Two idiots who have a crush on each other and don't want to admit it.

A few moments later, the sun disappears behind the horizon and Spencer gets up from his chair. "Come on, we have one more thing to do." Carefully, he pulls you from your seat and before you know where he's going, you're there. Even though it's Saturday night, there aren't many people at the observatory, so you can stand in front of a large telescope without waiting in line. "We've heard so much about the universe today, but I want to see the stars with you before we go."

You hesitate, but Spencer tells you to look first, so you take a peek through the telescope. Except for the bright stars, the view is pitch black and deep. A cluster of stars looks very familiar. "What constellation is that, Spence?", you ask, making room for him to take a look himself.

"That's the little bear”, he replies, letting you back up to the telescope so he can explain further and you can look at the stars. "In Greek mythology, the little bear is actually a son of Zeus and a nymph. Or rather, Zeus turned the child into a bear so that the bear wouldn't attack his mother, the nymph, who also became a bear." You look at Spencer. "And then Zeus hurled them both into the sky. Pretty unrealistic."

"I think it's very realistic for a Greek god to turn a mother and child into bears and then stick them in the sky as stars”, you grin, and he gives a short laugh. "Thank you for knowing such things. I find it interesting when you explain things." You smile at him and glance up at the starry sky again. "Do you want to look through here again? The view is phenomenal and breathtakingly beautiful."

"It is indeed”, Spencer replies without taking his eyes off you.

The look he gives you now is one of sadness and pain. You don't see it, but you feel it in your back as you make you both a cup of coffee each. As you turn and place the cup on the kitchen table in front of him, he averts his eyes.

The silence between you is unbearable and only then do you really realize how much everything has changed. How much you have changed. Sitting together in your kitchen in the middle of the night feels as forced as it actually is, but neither of you is ready to get started. For as confusing as the last time has been for you, you know full well that this conversation will either raise more questions than it clears up, or it will be goodbye. And you're not ready for the latter.

You put your hands around the warm cup and realize how cold you are, even though the heating is turned up. Goosebumps come over you and you try to shake the cold shiver off your back as inconspicuously as you can, but the small movement doesn't go unnoticed by Spencer. He looks at you, and as you meet his gaze, he no longer seems sad or pained. Spencer looks lost, and there's nothing you can do to get him out of it.

"What have you been up to for the last year?", he asks you quietly, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I've been here and there. Been working a lot”, you answer, and it's probably the only truth you can tell in the conversation. For the past year, you've really been working, around the clock, but you can't explain to him what exactly you've been doing. And you're also glad he's not asking.

"So you're a professor in between now?", you ask at one point, and he nods mutely.

"Yes, I have to take thirty days off for one hundred days that I work, and I'm teaching during that time."

"Do you enjoy it?", you ask, even though you know the answer. Spencer has always loved teaching other people and sharing his knowledge, which is why you've always secretly thought he'd enjoy teaching.

"Well, a lot of the students just come to listen, which is kind of a shame because the topics are really interesting. Luke said they just come to gawk at me, but I don't think so."

"You're the only professor who talks about crime and everything, but who's also been to prison. I can well imagine that a lot of young women find that very hot." You smile at him and he weakly returns it. When he doesn't respond to that, you keep talking. "I probably have no right to ask about it, but I'd like to know what you've experienced in prison." You take a sip of your coffee. "I can tell it's changed you a lot."

His fingers tighten a little around the cup as he answers. "Prison isn't the only thing that's changed me." To others, his comment would have certainly come off wrong, resentful and bitchy, but not to you. Spencer is simply telling the truth, and that's what the conversation is supposed to be about. You're supposed to be honest with each other, at least within a certain framework that allows you to be as honest as you can. "It really wasn't easy. I became friends with a former FBI agent - Calvin Shaw. He gave me tips on how to survive in prison. Which didn't help much. I tried to help a friend, his name was Luis, by telling a guard that he kept getting beat up by a certain gang, after which they almost killed me." It comes so easily to his lips, but his posture shows that this has not passed him by without a trace. His shoulders are tense and you fear the cup will break, he's clutching it so tightly. "I was supposed to help smuggle drugs in, but I refused, whereupon they beat me up in the laundry room and slit Luis' throat in front of me." He pauses for a moment, as if he needs to sort out his thoughts, and takes a deep breath.

"I wanted revenge, so I poisoned the drugs, hoping it would kill them. But they were just the distributors. Five people got poisoned by it, including Shaw." You can hear he's not proud of that, and your stomach tightens. His hands shake, which is why he lets go of the cup and folds them in his lap. "The jail got into lockdown, but Tara did a cognitive interview with me that didn't do much good. My trial was delayed, and I was really afraid I was going to die in jail. When Shaw and the others were released from the infirmary, Shaw got back at me. He knew I was responsible for the tainted drugs, and he tipped off the others that I was FBI. He said to me I wouldn't see it coming, but they didn't want to put me in solitary either. So I whittled down a knife and took Shaw's hand and stabbed myself to make it look like he did it."

Your gaze moves from his face to his legs, and there you see it. A small scar that you certainly wouldn't notice if you didn't know it was there. Tears well up in your eyes. Not even for a brief moment, did you doubt your decision to leave then, but now you wish you had stayed with him then. You would have helped him, stood by his side. You blink away a tear before it can run down your cheek. "And then?"

"Then at some point I was discharged. The team did everything they could to get me out of that hellhole, and for that I'm very grateful. Otherwise, I would have been murdered in there for sure." He shifts the cup of coffee from one hand to the other. "Look, I don't want you to disappear again. I really don't, but this can't go on like this either. We can't seem to stay away from each other, but we're just arguing and it's not doing either of us any good."

You have a few more questions about his time in prison, but you keep them to yourself.It's clear from him that the subject is closed for him, and you don't want to force it on him. So you just nod.  You wouldn't leave Spencer again for any amount of money. It nearly killed you the first time, and for sure you wouldn't survive it a second time. "What do you suggest?"

He purses his lips into a thin line and starts to tap his foot. "I don't know if I can forgive you for leaving then. It was too painful for that. But I think that maybe, somehow, we can get along. We might even become friends again."

"I'm sorry I left then, Spencer. And I don't expect you to forgive me, I have no right to, because after all, I'm the only one responsible for this situation here”, you confess, running your hand through your hair. A nervous gesture that you seem to have picked up from him. "I'm very grateful to you for not wanting me to leave, even though I've caused you so much pain. I don't know what I've done to deserve this, but I'll do everything I can so that we can live together to some extent. And I hope that someday we can be friends again."

A smile spreads across his face. "Thank you for being honest with me, Y/N. I think this conversation is good for both of us. And it was pretty overdue, don't you think?"

You tighten your mouth into a thin line. "Pretty much." You take the last sip of coffee before rinsing off both cups and putting them back on the top shelf. Your shirt slides up a little, exposing the tattoo on your ribcage.

"You have a tattoo?", asks Spencer as you sit back down. "What did you get?"

You hesitate. "Nothing in particular. Just a saying I picked up a while back."

To this, Spencer doesn't reply, and silence returns. Only this time, it's not as stifling as it was at the beginning of your conversation.

"I should go”, Spencer says eventually, and stands up. He puts on the rest of his clothes and you accompany him to the door. Indecisively, you stand in front of each other. How do you say goodbye to someone you love?

"I'd like to kiss you”, Spencer confesses, and your heart skips a beat. "But that wouldn't be good. For us." He spreads his arms and you fall against him for a moment, hearing his heartbeat one last time before he pulls away from you and smiles weakly at you.

Sometimes you don't even notice a goodbye right away. It happens quietly, creeping, slowly, more painful than a quick goodbye. It goes to your bones, tears at your heart, blinds you. You can't look at Spencer as he speaks, because you know that the goodbye you were afraid of is here now.The glimmer of hope you've carried with you for an entire year is quietly extinguished, the embers cease to glow and the smoke clouds your senses.  For a year, you held on to the fact that you would eventually find each other again. You prayed, hoped, and pleaded for it. The thought gave you comfort as you lay alone in your bed wondering how he was doing and what he was doing. And now it's over. Standing in front of you is Spencer. Spencer, who was in prison. Spencer, who's been through so much. Spencer, who might be your friend again someday.

"Someday you're going to make someone very happy”, you whisper, hoping he doesn't notice how your voice breaks.The pain spreading through you is too intense, and you wrap your arms around your body, afraid to crumble.  But you really wish this for him. You want him to be happy, to find someone he can love as unconditionally as you love him. Someone he can trust blindly. Someone who will not leave him.

Spencer smiles at you and opens the door, but before he leaves, he turns to you one last time. "I have one last question." You look at him and wipe the back of your hand under your nose. "You said it's hard to leave someone you love." He gives you one last look. "Did you leave me because you didn't love me anymore? Or did it have another reason?"

Inside you are screaming at him that you could never stop loving him. That everything you did was for him. That you almost died when you left him and turned your back on everyone. But you can't say it out loud. It was part of the deal. A deal that not even Emily knows every detail of. As you answer him, you die again inside. "I didn't love you anymore, Spencer. I'm sorry."

-

You'd love to never leave your apartment again, but that's not an option. You'd like to call in sick, but that would be a bad start to a someday-friendship, and you don't want Spencer to realize how much this goodbye has destroyed you. You suffer silently, not even telling Emily about your conversation, but trying to let others notice as little as possible how you're really feeling. Work distracts you, and that's a good thing.

When you're alone, it's harder. The pain is unbearable. Loving someone, and losing that person, is the worst pain you could have ever imagined. Your nights are plagued by nightmares, your days are filled with distractions. You try to somehow come to terms with the fact that Spencer would never be yours again, but you had hoped for too long that one day you would find each other again. But that wasn't going to happen. Spencer left. And it's your fault.

After a while, you stop waking up screaming in the middle of the night. You haven't gotten used to the pain, but it's a constant companion now, almost a friend, and you don't try to block it out anymore. You are no longer afraid of the nightmares, because even when you wake up, they are real. You find that you can neither escape nor resist, and so you accept your fate and withdraw so deeply into yourself that you lose yourself.

The emptiness in your head spreads throughout your body and the biggest hole is your heart.

next part

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[jeontaeil-archived]

Greenlight //

Pairing: Beomgyu x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut. Some Fluff, Male Receiving, Fem Receiving, Unprotected Sex.

Words: 2.7k+

Warnings: 18+ content.

Tagging: @hoehousenet @kdiarynet @chwe-yeeun @hoe2z @jayvoir @giveortake @lqsience @choijwiss @jisungismymom @rosiehoon

Beomgyu constantly flirts with you, while all you do is play hard to get. He likes you and you like him, but things have never progressed from there. So what happens when Beomgyu finally decides to take things to the next level? Are you willing to give him the green light or not?

Your close friend Jay had invited you over to his place to play some video games. You both had been at it for hours and decided to take a small break before continuing. While taking said break, Jay ended up falling asleep in his chair, leaving you sitting around in his room awkwardly with nothing to do. Now that your mind wasn't focused on your games, you realised how thirsty were. Not wanting to wake Jay, you left his room and ventured towards the kitchen. You had no idea where anything was. All you needed was one glass. If you tried, you figured it wouldn't be that hard to find. So you looked around in the cupboards, eyes brightening when you finally found them. You had to reach up on your tippy toes, but even then, your fingers barely grazed over the glasses. And then, out of nowhere, you felt someone push you into the counter from behind, reaching up over your head to easily retrieve a glass. It didn't take you long to realise who the sneaky being was.

It was Beomgyu. Jay's roommate. You didn't know much about him other than the fact that he was a shameless flirt who sat at home all day doing god knows what in his room. He was always holed up in there and the only time he'd come out is if he needed something from the kitchen or if you'd come over.

Beomgyu loved teasing you. It was fun and he enjoyed the playful banters you both engaged in. Beomgyu was into you and he hadn't hesitated to let you know. You were totally his type, confident and cool. In your eyes, Beomgyu was a pretty decent individual. He looked good and was fun to be around, though you acted like he was a pain in the ass. But he was your friend's roommate and you still didn't know him well enough to really be able to initiate anything with him. Plus you knew that Jay would always 'forbid' it, not wanting to potentially end up becoming a third wheel between you both.

"You didn't even tell me you were coming around.", Beomgyu pouted, filling the glass he'd taken for you with water. You scoffed and crossed your arms over your chest. "I thought jay might've let you know. Besides, it’s not like I have your number or anything."

Beomgyu took a sip from the glass before passing it to you. You grimaced but chugged the water down nonetheless. "We could take care of that don't you think?", he said, raising his brow indicatively. You set the glass down on the counter behind you. "Nope. I don't think so. I've reached the geezer limit in my contact list. There's no space for your number."

Beomgyu was the one to let out an amused scoff at your comment this time. "Geezer limit.", he repeated, smiling to himself at the minor insult. "Well that's a bummer." he frowned and bit the inside of his lip. "Wanna go to my room?"

You laughed airily at his proposition. Way to change the topic. Props to him for that. Pushing yourself off the counter, you walked past him and went back down the hall. "Hurry up before I change my mind.", you called, entering his bedroom which was the one opposite to Jay's. He walked in behind you, shutting the door behind himself. You raised a brow at this.

"Why'd you close the door?"

Beomgyu grinned, turning the lock while he was at it. "No reason. Why? Does it make you nervous?"

You knew what he was doing. Unfortunately for him, you weren't going to give in so soon. Shaking your head, you plopped down on his bed. "I'm fine with it. I just thought you'd have a hard time controlling yourself, nothing else."

Beomgyu smirked at your words and stood against the wall. "Don't worry about me y/n. You aren't only girl I've had in here behind closed doors."

You wouldn't lie, his retort had you impressed. He was a natural flirt. You admired that. It was an attractive characteristic in your opinion.

"Oh really? Is that so? You wouldn't mind telling me a bit about them would you then?"

Beomgyu gestured for you to move over as he came and took a seat beside you. You scooted up his bed, leaning against his headboard. Beomgyu laid down before you, propping himself up on his elbow. "Firstly, I'd like to say that none of them have ever been as hot as you."

He was sucking up to you. Smiling at his compliment, you motioned for him to continue. "Secondly, I'm no narcissist, but I've never gotten a bad review once. They always enjoy how I make them feel. They thrive in it and hope that it never comes to an end. So I guess it kinda sucks for them considering I'm a one time over type of guy."

You snickered to yourself. "So what you're telling me, is that you're basically a sex god?"

Beomgyu nodded triumphantly. "I try to be humble about it, so you didn't hear that from me okay?"

You gave him a thumbs up, pretending to seal your lips. It was quiet between you two for a while. You just stared at each other, small smiles on your faces. Beomgyu seemed to be thinking about something. You could tell by the way his eyes kept wavering between your own. "Wanna fuck?"

Your smile fell, eyes widening in disbelief. You couldn't believe he'd just said that. You gasped, face heating up at the bluntness of his words. The way he'd said it, as if he were simply asking you to help him do his laundry or something had caught you off guard. He was so straightforward and for what?

"Just say yes or no. I won't start anything if you don't want to. We can just, do something else if that's the case.", he assured you, not a sign of panic or regret in his expression. His calmness made you feel like you were overreacting. Why couldn't you be so nonchalant like him. He made it seem so easy. You envied that. Beomgyu laughed at your flustered state and sat up. "Why so shy princess? Don't wanna be bitchy now?"

Your cheeks flushed an even deeper shade of red. He was on fire today. Never once had you felt so timid because of him. And now that you were, you had no clue what to do. Beomgyu shifted over to you, trapping you between himself and the headboard. He tossed the pillow on your lap to the side and replaced it with his hand. You could've escaped from the side, but you didn't. You were lowkey eager to see what he did next. "Tell me what you want y/n. I swear your wish is my command."

Beomgyu's voice was laced with desire. He was so close to getting what he wanted. All you had to do was give him the green light. 

You refused to look at him. You felt so vulnerable and you couldn't even think straight because of his proximity. "Look at me princess. Give me an answer.", he urged, squeezing your thigh gently. A soft moan escaped you at his touch. Beomgyu smirked and trailed his hands higher up your thigh. He leaned into you, lips ghosting over your ear. "Yes or no y/n? We haven't got all day. Jay's gonna wake up any time now so if you want this, just say yes."

You placed your hand atop his, taking a deep breath. "I don't know Beomgyu. Jay wouldn't like it." you could barely form coherent words. Beomgyu hummed, displeased. He twirled your hair around his finger. "I didn't ask about Jay though, did I? I want to know what you want." You wanted to say yes, but you were nervous. The tension between you both was only now making you realise just how much you were attracted to him. So much that you were certain you had feelings for him. Since you'd never given much thought to it, it had never occurred to you before. But now you were afraid he didn't feel the same way. Yes, he had admitted that he liked you, but you weren't sure if he was being serious or simply joking around like he always did with you. Maybe he just wanted to get in your pants. After all, he was the one who said it would only be a one time thing. Now that was something you didn't want. 

"Talk me through whatever's going on in your mind right now. Maybe I can help you out.", he suggested. He didn't sound impatient. He was willing to give you time even though that contradicted what he'd previously said to you, and you appreciated that. It helped you calm down a bit. You shrugged. "I'm not sure Beomgyu. I think I like you. but I don't know if that's just because of the way you're talking to me right now or if its because I haven't thought about it before. I'm confused."

Beomgyu laughed softly. He nodded and tucked your hair behind your ear, cupping your cheek. He made you look at him. "I like you too y/n. And I know I've told you this before, but I'll tell you again. I'm not just saying this so that you'll have sex with me. I genuinely really want to be with you. Its kinda cheesy coming from me, but its true.", he admitted, laughing at his own words. It was a complete 180 from his usual flirtatious self. His eyes were sincere. 

You nodded, unable to contain your smile. This was such an odd moment for you both. You'd never confessed to someone in such a heartfelt manner ever before and neither had Beomgyu. "Well isn't this cute.", he commented, giving you a smile you'd never seen before. He was happy, as were you. "So," you began, trailing a finger up his arm. Beomgyu's eyes followed your hand. He bit his lip, containing his smile. "You wanna get on with it?"

Both of you tried your best not to laugh. "Tell me Beomgyu. Yes or no? I swear I won't do anything if you say no." you mimicked his words. Beomgyu broke into a smile, crashing his lips onto yours cheerfully. 

Humming against his mouth, you threw your arms around his shoulders, pulling him down on you. Beomgyu melted into your body, kissing you earnestly. His hand slipped up your shirt, resting at your side. His touch was enticing. You found yourself guiding his hand upward, placing it on the curve of your breast instead. Beomgyu smiled against your lips, pulling away from you to place wet kisses on your neck and jaw. His thumb brushed over your nipple, feeling it harden underneath the material of your bra. You let out breathy moans, turning your neck to the side to give him more space. Beomgyu swiftly popped open your bra's hook, pushing his hand underneath the garment. He squeezed your breast, just as he had your thigh, groaning as your back arched against his body. 

Beomgyu sat up, peeling his shirt off and tossed it to the side. You did the same, discarding your bra along with it. Beomgyu smirked as he took in the sight of your bare upper body, licking his lips in anticipation. He'd always found you hot, but you were really exceeding his expectations now. Starting to get impatient with his intense and shameless stares, you pushed him down on the mattress and straddled his lap. Beomgyu's hands shot to your thighs as you leaned down to kiss his neck. You ran your tongue over his shoulder blades, grinding your hips down on his crotch. His palms kneaded the skin of your thighs, breaths getting heavier and heavier as your kisses got more proactive. You could feel his member hardening underneath you, the sensation making wetness pool into your panties. You began kissing down his chest, looking up at him from your lashes. He was loving the sight. It was sexier than anything he'd ever imagined before. You tugged his pants and boxers down in one quick motion gasping at the size of his length. Beomgyu whined, kicking his pants onto the floor. 

You took his cock in your hand, pumping it slowly. Beomgyu bit his lip, watching you with keen eyes. You circled your thumb over his tip, leaning down to press a soft kiss on it. Beomgyu sucked in a breath. Licking his tip, you wrapped your lips around him, running your tongue over his cock. He balled his fists, not wanting to interfere. Taking more of his length in your mouth, you began bobbing your head, not too slow, but not too fast. He cursed under his breath. Gosh if felt so good. He could tell you knew what you were doing and he was glad that you did it well. "Fuck, princess, it feels so nice.", he praised, trying his best not to buck his hips into your mouth. He swore he was going to cum if you kept it up. You unexpectedly released his cock, pumping it as you signally for him to get up. "If you wanna finish you've gotta return the favour baby boy."

Beomgyu growled at the nickname. "That's so fucking hot of you.", he murmured, pushing you down on your back. "Say no more mommy." he ripped your pants off of you, tugging your panties down your legs soon after. Settling between your legs, he pried your thighs apart, marvelling at the sight in front of him. He licked a stripe up your pussy, groaning at the sweet taste on his tongue. Without wasting a second, he dove into your folds, wrapping his lips around your clit. Your fingers tangled in his hair, tugging at his roots every time his teeth grazed over the sensitive bundle of nerves. His tongue felt so amazing. He hadn't been lying when he said he was good at what he did. Beomgyu pushed two fingers into your needy hole, pumping them in and out of you at a steady pace. His tongue flicked at your clit ravenously. He'd been dreaming about this for months. 

"Fuck, Gyu- I'm gonna cum.", you warned after a while, moaning loudly thereafter. Beomgyu reluctantly rose from your cunt and wiped your arousal off his chin. "Not so soon princess. You're gonna finish on my cock.", he seethed, rubbing his tip along your slit. You spread your legs wider, eyes screwing shut as he pushed himself into you. "You're so fucking tight.", he muttered, bucking his hips into you. He'd barely started yet he was hitting all the right places. He hovered over your body, jaw clenched in concentration. Your needy moans only encouraged him to fuck you harder. "Oh my god Beomgyu!", you exclaimed, holding onto his shoulders. "You feel so good princess.", he groaned, raising your knee to your chest, he pushed his cock deeper into you. He could tell you were close. Luckily, so was he. He continued slamming his cock into your walls, wanting nothing more than to see your face as you came undone over his cock. And then, you finally did. 

He felt your walls clench around his cock. Your back arched off the bed, eyes rolling back as your orgasm crashed over you. Your fingers dug into his skin as your basked in the pleasure he gave you. The sight itself set him off, making his cock twitch inside you. Beomgyu was quick to pull out of you, emptying his cum over your pussy and thighs instead. It was a mesmerising sight. "Well that was certainly a nice way to inaugurate our relationship wasn't it?" Beomgyu concluded. He fell next to you, pulling you into his side as he draped the covers over your naked body. You smiled and kissed his cheek, wrapping an arm around his waist.

You heard a knock on the door, followed by the sound of someone clearing their throat. It was Jay. "If you guys are done I just wanted to let y/n know that we've got a tournament in five minutes."

[yeahimaloser]

28 and 44 for Dabi x reader?? I feel like he’s more of a “action speaks louder than words” cause he’s REALLY BAD at expressing “emotion”

“Move out of the way before I make you.” “What am I in your life? Because as of lately I feel as though I’ve been nothing to you.”

Thanks so much for requesting! This one was lowkey fun to do! But also kinda sad too.

And I agree, Dabi would 100% be more of an action type of person.

Again, thank you all for 100 followers, but know I have 130?? (wtf) yall are too nice :)

Ok, this is an angsty one for y’all.

Prompt list

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To say that being in love with Dabi was hard would be an understatement.

Not only did you have to watch your back at all times. Not only did you have to worry if Dabi would come back to you ok. Not only did you have to leave everything behind for him. But you had to actually deal with someone so emotionally stunted and traumatized.

But you loved him, you loved him, so in the end you would find a way to deal with it all.

But that didn’t mean it was easy.

Some days you would quietly cry on the couch, some days you wanted to leave. But Dabi always seemed to pull through for you. You could tell he would genuinely feel bad about the things he did and said to you, and he was getting better.

But today was not an easy day.

It all started when Dabi came home, and he was in a mood.

“Hey, how was recruitment for the league,” you asked, trying to start a conversation.

But Dabi just huffed.

“Dabi,” you asked, “everything ok?”

But Dabi didn’t say anything to you, he just pulled out a beer can from the fridge.

He didn’t come come to sit with you on the couch, he just silently leaned agast the counter top in the kitchen.

“Dabi seriously, what are you mad at me or something,” you asked, a little afraid that you did something wrong.

“No,” Dabi said curtly, he seemed to refuse to look in your eyes.

You stood in front of him, “Dabi seriously, what's the matter?”

But he just scoffed at you, “Whatever Y/N, can you just leave me alone. I didn’t want to come back and have you be all bitchy to me. Stop asking so many damn questions already, can’t you see I’m not in the mood today. Sorry sweetie, guess I would just rather relax than listen to you nag at me.”

You stood there, shocked and upset, “I didn’t even do anything to you. Why are you acting like this? I just wanted to talk to you, to make sure you're ok! But then you're calling me bitchy!? What the hell!”

Dabi scoffed, trying to walk to his room, your shared room.

But you didn’t let him, you moved in front of him, blocking his way.

“Move out the way before I make you.”

You took a step back, in total shock.

You took a deep, shaky breath, “Fine, in fact,” you felt tears well up in your eyes, “I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry I’m such a bother, I just wanted to make sure you were ok. Because I love you. And sometimes I wish you could just… just understand that.”

You felt your tears nearly spill, but you turned quickly before he could see you.

You walked fastly to the front of the door, opening it to a rainstorm.

You slammed the door behind you, feeling your heart break into a million pieces.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dabi put his head in his hands, why was he like this? Why did he keep hurting you?

He hated it, he hated himself.

He loved you so much. He would kill for you, die for you.

But it seemed like he was just terrible at this whole love thing.

He really did love you, and you did so much for him.

So why did he say all that to you? He wanted to be a boyfriend that deserved you, that made you feel the way he felt about you. He wanted you to be able to come home to his embrace, he just wanted to love you and just be normal with you. But he was just a fuck up, all he could do was mess up what made him happy.

He wanted to punch his past self in the face for what he said to you.

It was just so hard for him, hard for him to show love. He just wasn’t used to it, so he felt the need to just push you away. He’s been hurt so many times it was just hard to understand the affection and love you gave him. But that was not an excuse for him being like this to you.

He sighed, maybe he should just give you some space, let you be mad at him. It’s what he deserved.

And he would have, if he didn’t hear a loud crash of thunder.

His head snapped up. You were still outside, and most likely without a car or anyway to get back to him.

Before he could think he was out the door, screaming your name.

He needed to find you, he needed to make sure you were safe.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were terrified.

The rain was pouring so much, so hard.

And all you could think about was Dabi’s warm embrace. His warm hands he would use to warm you up.

But here you were, in the middle of a thunderstorm, scared and alone.

But then you heard it.

“DOLL!”

Your head snapped to the direction of the scream, the pet name he used for you echoing in the air, “DABI!”

You ran right into him, scared, cold, and shaking.

He handled you gently, like you would break. Bringing you to the hidout’s front porch, and bringing you inside. He sat you down on the couch, looking you over for any big cuts or wounds.

He pulled towels and tried his best to warm you up.

He warmed his hands a bit, trying to warm them up for you.

After a while he spoke.

“I-,” he started, “I’m sorry.”

You just looked at him, tears still streaming down your eyes, your words shaky, “W-what am I i-in your life? B-because as o-of lately I feel as t-though I’ve b-been nothing t-to you.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dabi could feel his heart drop, but you were right. He’s been a total asshole to you, he really didn’t know what to do.

“I know, but I really love you so much,” he said looking into your eyes. “I’m not all that good with words, but I promise I’ll do anything to show you that I really am sorry. I’m an asshole and you,” he reached over to your face, caressing it lightly, “I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But I want you, and I want you to be happy.”

You sniffed, but held your ground, “All I want is you t-too, Toya.”

Hearing his name had an effect on him, he pulled you closer to him.

“Dollface, I’m bad at this whole relationship thing, but I want to try,” he put his forehead up to yours, “I want to try for you.”

Toya kissed you, he kissed you with the muffled sound of the rain and thunder in the background, he kissed you with passion, love, and sadness as well. Because Toya Todorki loved you.

[your-eternal-muse]

She’s Got You Mesmerized

Heather Series Part Four

Part One Part Two Part Three

Summery: Reader is getting sick and tired of keeping everything inside. So, she lets him know exactly how she feels. Well, not exactly.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Heather, Spencer Reid x eventual Female!Reader

Warnings: Beginning of Nicotine addiction (please don’t smoke), swearing, mention of manipulation, Heather being a straight BITCH

Words: 2.2k

A/N: Not much to say here except that I’m the one writing Heather, and I hate her guts. I need a bitchy last name to give her. Any ideas? 

~~~~

I’ve never been one to smoke.

I did it when I was in high school to appear “cool”, but I dropped the habit after graduation.

I never really liked the taste, and no matter how hard I tried, I always ended up smelling like it just a little bit.

But I understand why people smoke.

Rebel against their parents.

Need something to do to catch a break at work.

Relieve stress.

I fall into the last category, the nicotine in my veins like a blanket of calm over me, as I dial the same number for the 8th time in the past hour.

As it rings in my ear, I bring the cigarette resting between my fingers up to my mouth, taking a long drag in.

“Hey, this is Spencer. I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

BEEP.

“Spencer, the jet was supposed to leave 40 minutes ago. Hotch is pissed, and quite frankly, so am I. I get you’re getting married in three months, but if you could maybe take your dick out of her for a second, and remember you have a job to do, that’d be great.”

Click.

One last drag before putting it out underneath my heel and climbing aboard the jet.

“Anything?” Hotch asks, looking up from the file in his hand.

I shake my head, sitting down next to JJ, and dialing his number one more time.

“If he’s not on this plane within the next five minutes, we're leaving without him.”

BEEP.

I hold it up directly to my mouth. 

“Pick up your fucking phone and get your ass here!”

Click.

I pinch the bridge of my nose, the effects of the cigarette already leaving me.

JJ pats my leg, looking over the file again.

I couldn’t help my sour mood today, or the past month for that matter.

Every attempt I made to just resume being his friend, and get over myself, he’s ducked out at the last second.

“Heather wants me to go cake tasting with her.”

“I’m sorry, I agreed to stay in with Heather.”

“Heather isn’t feeling well, so I thought I’d stay home and take care of her.”

Sometimes he doesn’t even give one.

Sometimes he doesn’t even show.

Finally, right before the stairs are about to lift, Spencer appears, out of breath and disheveled.

“I’m so sorry. My phone died.”

Bullshit. It rang. You declined it.

“The hickey on your neck says otherwise.” Derek says from his seat, looking over the edge of the file up at him.

Spencer’s face turns red, knowing he got caught, his hand coming to rest over the fresh bruise.

I smirk a little.

“Spencer, I know you’re getting married, but you’re still a part of this team. Please try and remember that.” Hotch is stern, clearly agitated that we’re so behind schedule.

Spencer sets his bag down, and begins to read through the material.

It’s a relatively simple case, two bodies, same M.O., and Garcia already found a connection between the two victims.

We’ll be home within a few days.

And then Spencer can go back to avoiding me for whatever reason he’s not telling me.

When we land two hours later, Hotch splits the team up, having me and Spencer go back to the station and start on the geographical profile.

He won’t meet my eyes since listening to my voicemails.

He’s a smart boy. He knows I’m right.

When we get there, a detective leads us to a small conference room, and I thank him before setting down my stuff. 

A couple of cardboard evidence boxes are sitting on the table, and I start to remove the contents, placing them in piles on the table.

I don’t look at him.

I don’t speak to him.

Because I’m not entirely sure I won’t break down crying when I do.

I wasn’t as angry as I was upset.

I promised myself that the one thing that wouldn’t change, was our friendship. I’d still be his best friend, and he’d still be mine.

But even that seems to be changing and it feels like there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I start taping up pictures of the victims and their wounds to the clear board, while he starts pinning up a map on the bulletin board beside mine.

The air is tense.

“You’re angry.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“How could you tell Spencer? Was it my cold shoulder or how I won’t meet your eye?” I begin writing down the notes we made while on the jet underneath the photos.

“Look, I know I was late. Unbelievably late. I should have told her no.”

“But you didn’t.” I slap the marker down on the table, turning to look at him head on, crossing my arms.

“No. I didn’t. I didn’t because-”

“Because you didn’t want to. You’re a guy, Spencer. When a pretty girl tells you she wants to fuck you, you can’t resist.”

I’m trying not to think about it.

About him fucking her.

How badly I wish it were me.

Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

“But I’m not angry about that Spencer. You want to fuck your fiance, fine, there are less normal things to do,” I take a step forward. “No, I’m angry because every time I call you, you decline it, when you used to pick up before it even began ringing.”

Tears prick my eyes.

You stupid bitch, I told you not to cry!

“I’m angry because I haven’t had lunch with you for the past month and a half. I’m angry that you don’t even bother calling to tell me you won’t be able to make it, you just don’t show up!”

His eyes are sad, and I know that this isn’t helping anything.

I know that I should say ‘forget it’ and turn back to the case, but I can’t.

“I miss you, Spencer. I miss you and I don’t know what I’ve done to make you avoid me.”

“You did-”

His phone starts to ring.

I’m going to throw that thing across the fucking room.

He takes it out of his pocket, and I briefly see her picture before he slides his thumb over decline.

“She does realize you’re still an agent of the BAU, right? And isn’t she a teacher? Shouldn’t she be in school right now?”

He doesn’t answer.

“You didn’t do anything, Y/N, I promise. It’s just-”

His phone rings again.

Fuck this.

“I’m going out for a smoke. Talk to her. She’s obviously not going to stop until you do.”

I grab my bag off the table and walk out into the main space, finding my way out of the building and into the street.

I find a bench not too far away and sit down, digging through my bag and producing my pack of cigarettes and my lighter, placing one between my lips and lighting up.

You’re losing him. He doesn’t even want you as a friend anymore. You’re worthless. Worthless. WORTHLESS.

If I could punch the voice in my head, I would.

It’s kinda ironic, though. 

It sounds like Heather.

I take a deep drag and inhale, keeping the smoke in my lungs for a moment before exhaling.

My mind starts to go fuzzy and before I know it, it’s done.

I don’t have time for another one, so I sigh, getting up and throwing the bud into a nearby trash can.

I walk back through the building and up to the conference room, preparing myself for the next couple of hours, but I hear voices, and I pause.

I peek around the corner of the door frame, and into the room.

Spencer has his back to me, his phone in one hand, marker in the other.

“-best friend, Heather. She’s been my best friend for the past 8 years. Not seeing her is affecting our relationship. Don’t you trust me?”

I hear a sigh come from the phone. He has it on speaker.

“I trust you, okay? It’s her I don’t trust. Look, I like her. I think she’s sweet, but I don’t like the way she looks at you.”

“You still won’t tell me how she supposedly looks at me.” He’s annoyed, his fist wrapping around the marker.

Trouble in paradise?

“She looks at you like she’s in love with you. And I don’t like it. That’s why I don’t want you seeing her anymore. I’m afraid that she’s gonna do something and ruin everything.”

That. Bitch.

“She’s not going to do anything. Don’t you think if she had feelings for me, she would have done something by now? Baby, you have nothing to worry about. She’s my family, like how you’re my family.”

He pauses.

“I love her.”

“But not like you love me right?”

I’m about to beat this gas lighting bitch into the next century.

“Different kind of love.” His voice is quiet, and he’s looking down at the floor, and I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break anymore than it already has. But I can feel the already broken pieces shatter.

He doesn’t love you like he loves her. He just said so. You’re nothing compared to her.

“Just making sure. We’ll talk more later. The lunch period is almost over. Love you!”

“I love you, too.”

He hangs up the phone, and shoves it back into his pocket, still not aware of my presence as I move to stand fully in the doorway.

“So that’s why you’re avoiding me? Because Heather told you too!?”

The tears pricking my eyes are hot, and rage builds in my stomach.

He turns, surprise slapped across his face.

“Y/N-”

“If Hotch asks you, you’re going to tell him that you didn’t need my help, that you told me I could go help JJ. Clear?”

His mouth opens and closes, and his shoulders slouch, as he nods his head, slipping his hands into his pockets.

“Good. Oh, and Spencer?” 

He looks up at me.

“Don’t forget that you had a life before her, and that just because she’s a part of it now, doesn’t mean she’s the only part.”

With that I turn, walking back out into their bullpen, spotting JJ sitting on a desk, talking to someone on the phone.

The call finishes as I walk up to her.

“He-, what’s wrong? You’re crying.” She stands, placing a hand on my arm. 

“I’ll tell you tonight at the hotel. But Spencer doesn’t need my help, so I thought I could come help you interview the families.”

Please help me.

She nods, understanding. “The family of the first victim is already here. Let’s go.”

We pass by the conference room where Spencer resides, and the door is closed.

We walk by, and the blinds are open, revealing him arguing into his phone.

They’re arguing over you. You destroy things everywhere you go.

I keep walking.

~~~~

Three days later, we’re heading home.

It’s late, and my team is asleep around me, even if it is only for a few hours.

I can’t seem to find sleep so easily.

Instead, I settle for reading the same page of my book, over and over again.

You know. For fun.

However, I am not the only one awake.

Spencer stands and quickly makes his way towards my end of the jet.

He sits next to me, his own book in hand.

He doesn’t speak for a moment, just sitting and staring at me.

“Whatcha reading?”

I close the book over my finger, keeping my spot while showing him the cover so that he can read the title.

Warm Bodies, By Isaac Marion.

My favorite.

“I should have known. It’s your comfort book. You read it when you need a break.”

I flip it back open and continue scanning the page.

“Y/N, please look at me.”

I huff, placing my bookmark in the crook of the spine, and closing it louder than I probably should have.

I look at him, and I almost apologize for my behavior.

He looks like a kicked puppy.

No. He hurt you. He needs to apologize for that.

“I’m sorry, y/n. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even realize what she was doing until it was too late. Please believe me when I say I would never intentionally hurt you.”

It hurts more when you don’t realize it though.

“I told her that she needs to know that you’re my family. And that you’re not going anywhere.”

I can’t help but let my face soften, even though I wish it didn’t. As much as I wish I could stay mad at him, I can’t. Not when the look on his face is so genuine.

“I’m sorry for not calling, for not picking up, for the no-shows. I was a dick to you, and you didn’t deserve it.”

He makes it so hard to hate him.

“She’s actually really upset that she hurt you. She never meant to.”

For some reason, I don’t believe her, but go off, I guess.

He sees the hesitance on my face, so he smiles, and leans his head against my shoulder.

“Let me make it up to you. Lunch, at that Italian place you like? My treat.”

“Are you allowed to do that? Teacher said no.”

I run my fingers over the outline of the cover of my book, outlining the words.

He rolls his eyes. “Ha ha ha. You’re so funny.”

A small smile spreads across my face, as I reopen my book, settling down into my seat.

“I’m getting desert, by the way. Even if I don’t finish my pasta.”

He laughs to himself, leaning back into his seat and opening his own book.

“Anything for you, Y/N. Anything for you.”

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[knuffled]

just practice - chapter nine

hope you enjoy this chapter! it was supposed to be fluffy i swear, but then i started writing it and almost made myself cry. funny how that happens. if you enjoyed the chapter, it would mean a lot to me if you took the time to reblog! thank you for your support!

here’s the ao3 link!

Sunday afternoons were Annabeth’s favorite time of day. Time seemed to move slower than normal, like motes of dust waltzing in a beam of sunlight, with a lazy warmth that had nothing to do with the temperature outside. There was a hazy, dreamlike quality to them that made the world a little softer. She liked to have Sunday’s to herself for the most part. Her Fridays were usually swallowed by cross country practice after school and Saturdays were spent with her friends usually, so Sunday was often the only day she could ever sleep in or laze around in general.

However, she found herself parked outside Percy’s house today instead, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. It wasn’t long before the front door opened, and Percy walked down his driveway towards her car and stifled a yawn and ruffled his hair, which was even messier than usual, like he had just woken up. He knocked on the window lightly, an easy smile on his face, to alert her of his arrival like she hadn’t spent the last fifteen minutes staring at his front door.

Annabeth opened the door with a smirk. “Wow, you look like shit. You do realize it’s three in the afternoon right?”

“Fuck off,” Percy said nonchalantly as he buckled his seat belt. “Like you’ve never slept in on a Sunday.”

“I have but I can’t say I’ve ever made it as far as three before,” Annabeth said. “In all honesty, that’s quite an impressive feat.”

“Thank you for recognizing the commitment needed to make this possible.”

“You should audition for the role of Sleeping Beauty. You’d be a natural.”

Percy raised an eyebrow. “My my, you’re awfully bitchy today, aren’t you?”

“That’s my secret, Cap,” Annabeth said melodramatically, starting the car. “I’m always bitchy.”

Annabeth couldn’t help smiling when that managed to get a rumbling laugh out of him. Percy turned the radio on and sank back in his seat once he found a station he liked. When he kicked his feet onto the dashboard, Annabeth swatted his shins to tell him to knock it off and pretended not to see him pouting, but the grin stretching across her face threatened to give her away.

Percy stretched in his seat with a scowl and said, “So what’s the special occasion? It’s rare for you to want to hang out on a Sunday.”

“Well, I know this is like two months overdue, but I did promise to take you on a date.”

Annabeth had to hold back a laugh when Percy jolted in his seat and turned to her with wide eyes, looking very much like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Relax, you’re not dreaming,” she teased.

“I’m just surprised,” Percy said, blushing. “That kind of came out of the blue.”

“Yeah, sorry, I know this is way overdue,” Annabeth said. “I wanted to do this earlier, but I just got wrapped up with all the invitational stuff.”

Percy cleared his throat and shook his head. “Uh, no, you’re totally fine. We both have a lot on our plates these days.”

Annabeth nodded and rolled her bottom lip between her teeth. Although she hadn’t lied, she hadn’t exactly told him the entire truth either. She’d spent the better part of the week thinking about their conversation after the invitational. It was the first time she had come face to face with the realization that Percy wouldn’t always be a part of her life — the prospect of losing him in a year’s time only served to highlight the urgency of the situation, making her realize that she couldn’t afford to squander what little time they had left agonizing over why things had suddenly become stilted between them.

Briefly, she had seriously considered putting an end to the fake dating arrangement altogether. If the time they had left was limited, then eliminating the source of all this new tension made sense, but Annabeth couldn’t help feeling that their current situation could not simply be undone. Although she couldn’t explain why, Annabeth had begun to harbor a nagging suspicion that stopping the whole fake dating thing would only make things even worse between them. It seemed to her that this whole fake dating thing had only revealed that there was something dysfunctional about their relationship, hiding in the woodwork, which meant that ending the arrangement would not address the root cause of the tension between them.

For better or for worse, it seemed that the only way forward was to finish what she had unwittingly started, but she couldn’t just continue to maintain the status quo if she wanted to fix anything between them. If Percy wasn’t going to make the first step, the onus was on her to be more proactive so that they could begin untangling this mess more quickly.

Her train of thought was derailed when Percy cleared his throat again surreptitiously. “So, uh, where exactly are we going?”

“You’ll see. We’re almost there,” Annabeth said.

“Wow, were you mimicking me?” Percy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Annabeth bit the inside of her cheek and said, “Having a taste of your own medicine really sucks, huh?”

Percy crossed his arms over his chest and stuck his tongue out. “Fine, be that way, you menace.”

“Dullard.”

“Your honor, my fake-girlfriend is bullying me on our fake-date,” Percy protested.

“Objection, your honor! By Percy’s own admission, I am only mean to people I care about.”

Percy huffed an incredulous laugh and said, “Wow, apparently anything I say or do can and will be held against me in a court of law.”

Annabeth shrugged nonchalantly and tried to repress her growing smile. “It’s your own fault for not invoking your right to remain silent.”

Percy’s shoulders shook from the effort of holding back the laughter bubbling in his throat. “Jesus, I’m getting roasted non-stop today, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m on my A-game today, Jackson,” Annabeth said lightly. “Try and keep up.”

Percy rolled his eyes and said, “When are you ever not on your A-game, Chase?”

Although he had intended for the comment to be sarcastic, there was an undeniably fondness in his voice that made it hard for her to respond. She forced herself to keep her eyes on the road to keep from looking at him. She was afraid the look in her eyes would give away everything couldn’t say. Luckily it wouldn’t be too difficult because she spotted the exit they needed to take not long after, and their destination was only a few minutes from there.

The parking lot they pulled into was in sorry shape. Unkempt tufts of grass crept out of the cracked asphalt and stray pebbles littered the lot that made Annabeth’s car creak and groan. She parked close to a wooden sign at the foot of a trail that led up into a small mountain of sorts. Well, calling it a mountain was probably generous, but it was too large to be called a hill either.

Once they parked, Percy stepped outside to stretch his limbs and watched Annabeth open the trunk of her car to retrieve the stuffed backpack inside.

He raised an eyebrow and said, “Are we going camping or something?”

Annabeth slung the backpack over her shoulders with a grunt and said, “Not exactly. We’re going on a hike.”

Percy looked momentarily confused before he shrugged and said, “Okay, sounds good. Do you want me to take the backpack? It looks heavy.”

“Nah, I got it. It’s better for you to focus on the trail,” Annabeth said, adjusting the straps. “Besides, I promised you I would be the one showing you around this time, remember?”

“Not sure what carrying a backpack has to do with showing me around but go off, I guess.”

Annabeth lightly knocked elbows with him and said, “You handled everything when we went to the aquarium so let me take care of you this time, okay?”

Percy ducked his chin to hide the sheepish smile creeping across his face and rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Okay.”

“Good,” Annabeth said, smiling. “Now let’s get going. It takes like an hour and a half just to get up there.”

With that, they made their way to the start of the dirt trail leading up the mountain-hill. Annabeth set a brisk pace to ensure that they would actually have time to stop a while at the peak before they needed to make the trip back down. It wouldn’t be very safe to hike when it got too dark. Without the sunlight illuminating the trail, it would be a lot easier to trip over a stray root or rock and get hurt.

“Where exactly are we?” Percy asked. “I’m guessing you’ve been here before.”

“We’re on a trail that goes up to Aspen Peak,” Annabeth said, without elaborating.

Percy must have picked up on her reticence because he didn’t pry her with additional questions. Annabeth felt a little bad for suddenly making things awkward between them, but he didn’t seem to mind because it wasn’t long until he spoke again.

“Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever been hiking,” he said thoughtfully.

Annabeth looked back at him over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “Really? That’s news to me.”

“Well, my mom and I never really had much of a chance to do this sort of thing. We couldn’t when Stinky Gabe was around, for obvious reasons, and these days she’s too busy with writing and Estelle to have any spare time,” Percy said.

Annabeth moved a low-hanging branch out of her way. “Well, I’m glad that I brought you today then. I think you’ll really like hiking. It sort of lets you get away from everything for a while.”

“That does sound nice,” Percy admitted. “This sure is giving my calves a good workout though.”

“Let me know if you want to stop and rest,” Annabeth said, laughing. “This trail can be rough if you’re a newbie.”

“Nah, I can keep going,” Percy said, shaking his head.

For a while, they were accompanied only by the sound of loose gravel crunching under their feet. After a while, Annabeth was forced to wipe away the sweat accumulating on her brow with the back of her hand with greater and greater frequency. The weight of the backpack and things inside were partly to blame, but she also hadn’t been on a hike in a long time either so her body wasn’t acclimatized to it. There was also the constant challenge of having to be careful with your footing to avoid slipping on loose gravel or tripping over something buried beneath the dirt not to mention avoiding low-hanging branches. The only positive was that they wouldn’t have to deal with mosquitoes tormenting them since it was the middle of November.

They were close to the peak when Annabeth heard Percy make a noise of surprise behind her. She turned to see him falling backwards after tripping on a root hidden beneath the dirt. Her body moved faster than her mind could keep up, helping her lunge forward in time to loop a hand around Percy’s waist, stopping him mid-fall, and with her free hand held onto the trunk of a tree to keep momentum from making them both fall.

Percy stared up at her, eyes wide, while Annabeth tried to catch her breath and keep her footing. At this proximity, the smell of his cologne intermingled with the faint scent of sweat was inescapable, and something about it made her face grow hot and prickly. The fact that she could feel the heat of his skin through his shirt somehow only made things worse. Annabeth helped him upright quickly to keep from dwelling on it any further, but before she did, she could have sworn Percy’s eyes darted down to her lips for an instant before he met her eyes again.

“You okay?” Annabeth asked, breathing heavily.

Percy swallowed conspicuously, making his Adam’s Apple bob. “Um, yeah. Thanks.”

“Are you sure?” Annabeth asked carefully. “Your face is really red.”

He rubbed the back of his neck and looked away to avoid meeting her eyes. “Oh, um, that’s just because I’m really hot right now.”

Annabeth tried to keep her tone light and sarcastic and said, “You sure it wasn’t because I made your heart skip a beat just now?”

A beat passed before an easy smile slid across Percy’s face. “How could it not? You were like a knight in shining armor just now.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re alright,” Annabeth said, unconvinced.

Percy nodded in gratitude but didn’t otherwise say anything. Annabeth looked at him for a little bit longer before biting her lip and turning around. The air between them was charged with tension for the remainder of the way up the trail, much to her frustration, but it dissipated once they made their way to the top of Aspen Peak.

Annabeth paused for a moment and took in the familiar scenery while nostalgia washed over her in waves. One of the reasons she loved this trail so much was that there was a small lake nestled at the top of Aspen Peak. At some point in the past, the top of Aspen Peak had broken off, leaving a crater of sorts almost behind where the peak once was. The half-eggshell shape had been perfectly suited for collecting rainfall, which over the span of several centuries had helped form a small lake .

“Holy shit, this is so cool,” Percy muttered.

Annabeth looked at him with a grin and said, “Right?”

“I had no idea there was a lake up here.”

Annabeth shrugged off her backpack and said, “Yeah, that’s the secret about Aspen Peak that not many people know about.”

Percy watched Annabeth unzip the backpack and pull out a sleeping bag and blanket. She spread the sleeping bag close to the shore of the lake and patted the spot next to her for Percy to sit down. She could feel Percy’s incredulity emanating from him in waves when she continued to rummage in the backpack to produce a small portable campfire stove, a small pan, a lighter, and a thermos. In the front pockets, she had stowed away a few water bottles and a packet of hot cocoa powder.

“You were carrying all of this?” Percy asked.

“I thought it would be nice to have some hot cocoa,” Annabeth said.

Percy shook his head in disbelief. “You are definitely letting me carry all this shit on the way back down. I have no idea how you managed to stuff all of this in there.”

“Hard work and dedication,” Annabeth said sagaciously.

His ensuing laughter warmed Annabeth down to her bones that helped offset the chill in the November air. Percy took the blanket and wrapped it around them while she set to work making the hot cocoa. She emptied the water bottles into the pan and set it over the stove to boil before she added the hot cocoa powder. Once it was done, she poured it into the thermos and handed it to Percy.

“You sure you don’t want the first sip?” Percy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Annabeth smiled and said, “I’ll live. Just make sure you don’t drink it all.”

“That obviously goes without saying,” Percy said, rolling his eyes.

He took a tentative sip and made a noise of approval before handing it to her. “This is great.”

Annabeth tried some as well and savored the deep chocolate flavor and the warmth as it ran down her throat. Thank god she had splurged on a more expensive cocoa mix. There was something uniquely delightful about drinking a warm beverage on a cold day, she mused, and with the blanket wrapped around them, there was a pleasant warmth that made Annabeth drowsy.

They quietly watched the scenery and the water fowl gliding atop the water’s surface. The area behind the lake was covered in tall, dark trees that used to creep her out when she had been a child. It seemed like the perfect place for a man-eating monster to lie in wait for careless seven-year-olds.

The longer they sat there, huddled together beneath the blanket, the more acutely Annabeth could feel the heat of Percy sitting beside her. They were no strangers to cuddling with one another, but Annabeth could tell she was more hyper-aware of him than she normally was. It was like she could feel each individual hair on his forearms tickling her skin and feel his heartbeat reverberating in the space between them. An overwhelming feeling of closeness washed over her, filling her with an intoxicating warmth from head to toe, but it still wasn’t enough somehow.

She found herself reaching for Percy’s hand and holding her breath when her knuckles brushed against his with such imperceptible softness she would have forgiven Percy for not noticing, but Annabeth could tell that he had by the tick of his jaw and the hard look in his eyes. She couldn’t even bear to look at him, but she brushed his hand again, more insistently this time, and hoped the message was clear.

Annabeth did not know what love was, but when Percy caught her hand and laced his fingers between her own, she imagined it felt something like this.

“This was my mother’s favorite trail,” she said quietly. “We used to come here as a family all the time before she left.”

Percy squeezed her hand in acknowledgment and turned to face her so she could continue.

“Those were some of the only moments I remember liking from my childhood. Things were just brighter then. My mom would pack us sandwiches and my dad would get some crappy store bought cocoa mix and we’d spend the entire day up here, not really doing anything, but it was fun,” Annabeth whispered.

“Sounds like it was something really special,” Percy said softly.

“It used to be,” Annabeth said tightly. “I just- I just wanted to share it with you.”

A lump formed in Annabeth’s throat and she found herself hoping that Percy could tell what she meant because it was a little too painful for her to say aloud, and the gentle way Percy’s thumb brushed her knuckles made her think that he did. The intimacy of the gesture stood in stark contrast to the lump in her throat. Suddenly, an overwhelming wave of sadness washed over her, but she didn’t understand where it came from or why.

Maybe it was that she mourned for a halcyon period in her life that was cut short, a time that she would never get back again. Maybe it was the somber reminder that time only moved one way and that there were never any do-overs in life. Or maybe it was the sudden, stupid realization that her mother really wasn’t going to come back after all.

Even after all these years, there was still some small, infinitesimal hope unconsciously squirreled away to some dark corner of her mind, hope that one day her mother would knock on the front door and step into her life again like she had never left and everything could go back to the way that it once was. Although she had always known that intellectually, it hadn’t quite sunk in until now. Suddenly, her chest was so tight that it was hard to breathe, but at the same time her thoughts raced in a desperate effort to rationalize away the whole thing so she wouldn’t have to feel it.

She could not make any sense out of how it was possible for a mother to one day walk out of her daughter’s life without a word or how the years you spent together as a family could be erased into nothingness.

If love was anywhere near as strong as Annabeth had been led to believe, then why was it so fickle, so cheap?

Perhaps, love was nothing more than building a house of cards that would collapse at the slightest provocation, a nectar destined to turn to poison in your mouth given enough time. If that was the case, Annabeth wanted nothing to do with it — she could never understand the appeal of something that would never last.

Maybe Percy would know the answer.

There was a pensive look on his face when she looked at him, but it melted into a smile once he noticed her eyes on him while his thumb continued tracing the ridges between her knuckles.

He cocked his head to the side and said, “You look like you want to ask me a question.”

Annabeth breathed a laugh and stared out at the lake to collect her thoughts before she said, “I guess I feel like I’m realizing for the first time that my mom’s really gone and won’t be back. There was a small part of me that kept hoping that she would show up one day and things would go back to the way they used to be, and now I’m realizing how stupid it was to believe that.”

“It’s not stupid,” Percy said, firmly but kindly. “It’s not stupid to wish your mom hadn’t left or to want her back.”

“It’s stupid to want someone who doesn’t want you back,” Annabeth muttered bitterly.

She looked up when Percy’s thumb stopped moving and was struck by the pain in his eyes before he forced a laugh and looked away.

“I- I didn’t mean it like that,” Annabeth said, guilt welling up inside her.

Percy screwed his eyes shut and shook his head. “No, you’re right. We shouldn’t want someone who doesn’t want us, but we can’t help it anyways. We can’t help loving who we love, even if it hurts us.”

“Then what’s the point of it,” Annabeth asked desperately. “Why does everyone want it so badly when all it does is hurt?”

“Because that’s not all it does,” Percy said. “There’s more to love than pain.”

Annabeth hugged her knees to her chest and rested her chin atop them. “Like?”

Percy leaned back on his elbows to stare up at the night sky with a sigh.

“To me, falling in love is like finding someone that you want to know as intimately as possible. Like how they look when they get caught in the rain; what makes them laugh so hard they can’t breathe; what their voice sounds like first thing in the morning,” he said softly. “And you try to find someone that wants to know you as much as you want to know them. You want them to see you for you, flaws and all, and still choose you anyways.”

“Is it even possible to show someone everything about yourself? And even if it is, what if they don’t like what they see?” Annabeth asked.

“Maybe it isn’t possible, but I think you still want to try anyway. It’s more about the effort than whether or not you succeed, at least to me,” Percy said.

“But yeah, it’s terrifying. It’s like you’re letting someone touch your heart with their hands and desperately praying they don’t crush it between their fingers, but at the same time, you kind of need someone who you can trust to help carry your heart. It’s too heavy a burden to carry alone.”

Annabeth picked at the grass and considered his words for a moment. Despite her hesitance, she couldn’t help thinking that it would be wonderful to have someone who would want to know her that badly, someone who could help carry the burden of being a person, someone who could see her for her and choose her anyways. It was just hard for her to believe she would ever find someone like that.

“Did you ever fall for any of the girls you’ve dated?” Annabeth asked.

“I don’t know, honestly,” Percy admitted. “I liked them and there was probably a part of me that was a tiny bit in love with them, but I don’t think I ever fell for them.”

“How could you tell the difference between liking them and falling for them?”

“That’s easy. Falling in love feels way different from just having a crush on someone.”

“So you have fallen in love with someone before?” Annabeth asked, seizing the opportunity.

Percy shifted uneasily in place and averted his gaze. Annabeth could see the conflicted emotions passing in his eyes as she watched him. She was about to tell him it was fine if he didn’t want to tell her when movement on the far side of the lake caught Annabeth’s attention. She squinted to see better through the dark and froze at the sight of a large gray wolf prowling towards the water’s surface at the other end of the lake. It’s blue eyes cut through the encroaching darkness and assessed her presence as it drew closer to the water.

Annabeth caught Percy’s wrist and whispered, “Percy, look.”

He followed her gaze and spotted the wolf before stiffening beside her. They weren’t in any immediate danger, but Annabeth could feel her breathing becoming shallower and how Percy had tensed up beside her. The wolf never took its eyes off of them as it drew closer to the lake and paused for a moment before lowering its head to drink from the water. Once it had its fill, the wolf looked at them once more before disappearing back into the forest.

“Holy shit,” Percy muttered.

“That was super cool,” Annabeth whispered.

Percy snorted and said, “It could have killed us easily if it had wanted to. There’s no way we could have outrun it.”

“It was still pretty cool,” Annabeth said, grinning.

He stood up and stretched his limbs with a groan. “White girls are truly fearless,” he said, shaking his head.

Annabeth laughed and said, “You realize human beings domesticated wolves, which is why dogs exist, right?”

Percy raised an eyebrow and said, “Feel free to go domesticate that giant ass wolf then. I’ll be watching here a safe distance away.”

Annabeth rolled her eyes and stood up as well. “We should probably get going. It’s getting dark.”

Once everything was stowed in the backpack, Percy shouldered it and followed Annabeth down the trail. They walked carefully and paid extra attention to anything that could make them lose their footing. It was far worse to fall on the way back down than it was on the way up because momentum could force you down a long way.

They walked for a few minutes in silence before Percy suddenly said, “To answer your question before: Yes, I have fallen in love before.”

Annabeth looked over her shoulder, surprised by his admission. “Would I know her?”

There was a sad look in Percy’s eyes as he said, “Possibly.”

“She must be a lucky girl,” Annabeth said lightly.

At this, Percy laughed humorlessly and said, “That’s a bit of a stretch.”

Annabeth shifted a stray branch out of their path and said, “What makes you say that?”

There was a pause before Percy said, “Well, let’s just say my former girlfriends could attest to the fact that I’m a pretty terrible boyfriend.”

Annabeth’s heart clenched a little in her chest at his words. He was probably referring to what had happened with Kara. She wrestled the instinct to tell him that he hadn’t let anyone down because then he would ask her about it, but she couldn’t just say nothing after what he’d said.

She cleared her throat and said, “It’s hard for me to imagine you’ve ever let anyone down in your life. You’re like the most reliable, loyal person I have ever met.”

Percy was silent for a few moments before he quietly said, “You’re giving me too much credit. It’s only a matter of time before I let you down too.”

Annabeth had to pause because she had never heard Percy’s voice ever sound so sad and filled with self-loathing. She turned to look at him, but his face was a mask — even his eyes betrayed nothing. The pain she felt now was different from the kind she’d felt at the top of the peak, but it was worse somehow.

She took a step towards him, desperately trying to find the right words to say but, like always, nothing came to mind. Still, she couldn’t just let a comment like that slide, especially when it was so blatantly untrue.

“You do know that you could never let me down, right?” Annabeth asked, voice catching in her throat.

Percy shifted on his heels and looked down at his shoes, refusing to meet her eyes. She took another step forward and took his hands in her own. That was enough to make him look up at her, but the look in his eyes pierced through her like a blade. It was so hard for her to see him like this. Her hatred for Kara and all of his other stupid fucking girlfriends reignited like an inferno from the void, making her hands tremble.

“Listen to me very carefully: none of this is your fault,” Annabeth said angrily.

“You don’t even know what happened,” Percy muttered.

“I-” Annabeth started, before biting her lip.

Why couldn’t she say it? Why couldn’t she push past the black mass of terror inside her so she could be there for the person who mattered most to her in the world? Why was it so hard for her to tell him the fucking truth?

Percy’s eyes softened when he saw the frustration on her face. “Thank you for saying that, Annabeth. It means a lot.”

“But you don’t believe me,” Annabeth said, trying not to burst into tears. “You don’t believe me.”

He opened his mouth to say something before closing it again, his eyes swimming. He looked lost for words, which just made her feel sadder and angrier. He shouldn’t have to comfort her right now. This was about him, but it was turning into something about her and she didn’t know how to stop it.

Annabeth took a deep breath and said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up something painful. You do know that you can talk to me right? About anything?”

“Of course I do,” Percy said instantly.

“Then lean on me more,” Annabeth pleaded. “I can tell that there are things that you aren’t telling me. I’ve never pushed you to talk about things you didn’t want to talk about, but it’s getting hard when you’re suffering right in front of me.”

“I-I’ll try,” Percy said hesitantly.

Annabeth clenched and unclenched her fists at her sides. He hadn’t convinced her, but maybe this was the best she could hope for right now. There were more things that she wanted to say, but it probably wouldn’t make a difference, not right now. She needed to give him time to get used to the idea. All she could do now was be patient and believe in him.

[casey-v]

Part 1: “...ending this...”

Ethan x Casey

I can’t believe I’m really doing this. This is my first fic ever and I’m excited and also terrified. I needed something to survive the hiatus of open heart and I’ve had this idea in my head for weeks how the story goes on … I apologize for all the mistakes and my bad English. It’s hard to express all those feelings, thoughts and ideas in a foreign language. But I hope that some of you still like this. I’m open for honest opinions and ideas of improvement.

Warning: language, death

Words: 1,3K

Disclaimer: all characters owned by PB

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(This takes place a few days after the Mass Kenmore heist.)

Casey emerged from Kyra’s room looking desperate and tired. Kyra’s major surgery should have taken place yesterday, but her condition had unexpectantly deteriorated and they had to cancel everything. Bryce had come up with the idea of performing an extrapleural pneumonectomy and Casey felt sorry for him because he had been so enthusiastic about this. Now there was almost no hope left. She winced when somebody called her name. “Sorry Dr. Valentine, I didn’t mean to scare you. I have Mr. Farrugia’s lab results here for you.”   “Thank you, Danny. No problem, I was lost in thoughts; I didn’t hear you approach.” Without looking at him any further she took the papers from his hands and walked away. Danny watched her go and shook his head in disbelief. Casey was one of his favorite residents and always friendly to everyone, but today she seemed kind of distant and depressed. He had never seen her like this before.

Casey went to Ethan’s office and knocked. “Dr. Ramsey, do you have a minute? I’ve got Senator Farrugia’s lab results.” “Sure, Dr. Valentine, come in. Found anything?” Ethan said without looking up from his papers. “Oh, I haven’t studied it yet.” Now Ethan’s head jerked, astonished, and he saw her still standing in the open door, her face pale and grave. Immediately he got up and went over to her, closing the door behind her. “Casey, what’s wrong?” “It’s Kyra! I don’t think she will make it through the night.” Casey couldn’t hold back her tears. Ethan wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, her head resting on his chest. She cried quietly. His hands travelled gentle up and down her back as he laid a kiss on her temple. “I’m so sorry, Casey. Is there anything I can do for you?”

There was this nagging feeling again she had all week. There was something he could do. After kissing her outside his apartment and then again at Mass Kenmore he kept avoiding her and she doubted that he would ever bring this up by himself. The whole day had been very emotional, and she was in an awkward mood, so she just thought ‘now or never’. Maybe it would help to catch him in a situation like this. It took her a while to calm down, then she lifted her head to meet his eyes. “You know exactly what I am waiting for, Ethan, talk to me, please!” He instantly loosened his grip a little, averted his eyes and sighed. “Not now and not here, Casey!” “Why not? You’ve been avoiding me ever since the night of the softball game. Why not talk about it right now?” He let go of her completely, turned away and walked over to the window. “You know it’s complicated!” She sighed deeply. “OK, I get it. You don’t have to say anything. I heard your excuses often enough: your rules, your principles, your ethics, my job, my career, the hospital, you’re my boss…I’m sick of it! You can’t do this to me anymore: you seek my company, you want to spend time with me, but as we get closer you push me away.” He turned to look at her and she could see the sadness and pain in his eyes. “Casey, that’s not fair. We agreed…” She interrupted him, her voice getting angrier. “Excuse me, what? I agreed? I never agreed! You went away for two months without even saying goodbye. You have always made all the decisions; you never asked for my opinion. Of course, you didn’t have to because you knew it. I always wanted to be with you, I always wanted to give us a chance. But you always had to be in control of everything.” Ethan seemed helpless and confused by her sudden outburst. This was unusual for her and caught him off guard. “But I did this for you.” It was a weak attempt to calm her down. The effect was exactly the opposite. “Bullshit!” She was almost screaming now, losing her temper. “You didn’t do this for me or my career. I’m not the reason that we are not together. You are the reason. Because you are a coward. Because you are afraid of your feelings. That is something you can’t control. And the great Ethan Ramsey has to have a lock on everything.” She was getting bitchy now and she knew it. But she didn’t care anymore. All the bottled-up agony of the past months came to the surface. Ethan watched her dumbstruck. Just moments ago she was locked in his embrace, feeling at home. Now, standing only a few feet apart, the distance between them seemed huge. Once reality sank in, she knew, what she had to do. It was going to be terribly hurtful for both of them, but it was her turn now to take control. She bit her lip to fight back the tears and it took all her strength to keep her voice calm and steady. “I’m ending this relationship, whatever it was, what we had. I can’t go on like this. Working with you every day and not being able to be with you makes me miserable. I have been patient for months hoping you would finally make up your mind. But I came to realize this will never happen. And that’s why I’m leaving the diagnostics team.”

Ethan seemed paralyzed, couldn’t say a single word. The look of shock and despair on his face brought a heavy pain to Casey’s chest. But she had to finish what she started. “I haven’t decided about my residency yet, but I won’t work with you anymore and I will only talk to you if it’s work related and absolutely necessary.” The lab results, still in hand but now wrinkled, floated to the floor. She turned abruptly, opened the door and was about to leave, when finally, Ethan came back to life. “Casey, wait!” Without looking back she said in a dry voice “No, I’ve waited long enough. I’m done. And it’s Dr. Valentine for you, Dr. Ramsey. After all you’re an attending and I’m a resident.” With that she closed the door behind her and went to find the nearest supply closet.

 Later that day she sat next to Kyra’s bed, holding her friend’s hand, her condition getting worse every minute; most of the time she was unresponsive. Casey’s thoughts kept going back to the fatal conversation with Ethan. She couldn’t believe how things had turned out. A mix of emotions went waving through her. The grief for Kyra, the desperation of losing Ethan, anger at herself at messing up so badly. But most of all she was furious with Ethan for putting her through all this. She knew he loved her. He had never said those three words, but he had shown her in so many ways. So why did he always have to put the hospital first, always his duties, never his feelings, his personal happiness, why never her?

She hadn’t heard anyone enter the room, but now she sensed somebody standing behind her. The moment she felt the familiar touch on her shoulder she knew it was him, even before he whispered just one desperate word: “Rookie…” She had always enjoyed being called that old nickname. Though this time it just added up to her rage. Jumping up and pushing his hand away she turned to stare at him aggressively, her words hissed. “I’m no longer your damn rookie. And don’t you dare ever touch me again!” She shoved him out of the way and left the room.

 An hour later Kyra was dead, and Casey felt the whole world around her collapse.

(To be continued …)

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Part 2: “Talk to him!”  (The funeral)

[mellometal]

I know I said I don't associate myself with the Panic! fandom anymore, but this is something I have been ACHING to talk about. This is some bad timing, since it was Brent Wilson's birthday recently (yes, his birthday is July 20th, NOT August 20th; source: I've been following him on Twitter for five years and he's actually said this), but this is going to be about Brent and the whole situation with him.

Warning: What I'm about to say about the situation with Brent Wilson (original bassist) is heavily biased, since I do stan him. YEAH. I STAN BRENT MATTHEW WILSON, THE ORIGINAL BASSIST OF PANIC! AT THE DISCO. CRY ABOUT IT. STAY MAD. He's one of the ONLY members of Panic! At The Disco (past and present) who I give a fuck about, besides Ryan Ross, Spencer Smith, and Ian Crawford.

Trigger warning: This will be talking about arrest, jail, drugs (doing and selling), weapons (guns), childbirth, parenthood, and some other things. If these things are triggering for you or make you uncomfortable in any way, you do not have to read this post. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

Disclaimer: I don't know Brent in real life, I'm not in his circle of friends or people he's closest to (like his wife Taylor, his parents, his brother Blake, his in-laws, his irl friends, coworkers, etc.), and this is not me acting like I do. I don't know what his life is like outside of Twitter. The only contact I've ever had with him has been on Twitter, but it was pretty limited.

My thoughts on this situation are MY opinion, any possibilities in my thoughts are just theories and not proven to be true, and I'm not trying to excuse whatever he was allegedly charged with.

Just for the record, I am willing to have a civil conversation with anyone who hates Brent. The minute you attack me or anyone else who likes Brent, or a whole bunch of you start circle jerking about how much you hate him, you're getting blocked. If all you're going to bring up is the shit Brent did when he was in his late teens instead of adding anything useful to the discussion, you're getting blocked too. I already know about that. It happened back in 2004-2006. They were all still kids, to a point. Brent has changed quite a bit since then. The whole "Hate on Brent Wilson" bandwagon is stupid, toxic, and I refuse to jump on it. I've never jumped on it when I was in the Panic! fandom, so why would I do it now?

Remember, without Brent bringing Br3nd0n Ur!3 into Panic!, your precious Br3nd0n wouldn't be successful today. JUST SO YA KNOW. (I'm very salty right now, if you can't already tell.)

If you would like to know about what happened with Brent, a few months ago, he was arrested on (alleged) drug charges and illegal possession of a weapon, along with a traffic violation and something to do with a probation violation too. He was set to go to court back in March for his sentencing, but that's the most recent information I've found. I don't know what the fuck is going on at this point. I don't know if he's been sentenced, if he's doing anything alternative like rehabilitation, nothing. (The reason why I said they're alleged charges is because I don't know if he's even been to court for sentencing or anything like that.)

People's reactions were mixed. Some actually LAUGHED and made a whole bunch of jokes about him being arrested (that's fucking insensitive and cruel). Some felt bad for Brent because he just became a dad (yes, he's a dad, but I'm not posting any pictures of the kid out of respect for Brent and Taylor). Some were shocked. Some weren't surprised (how and why????).

My reaction? It was pretty mixed. I was shocked. I thought I was having a fever dream and what I was seeing was fake at first. When I realized it wasn't fake, I was crushed. I felt absolutely horrible for Brent, Taylor, their kid, and all their loved ones. Like, I care about the guy a lot. Obviously.

Ironically, the band members and/or group members I stan are either the black sheep or they're just not as popular. Or they're the fucking scapegoat almost EVERYONE attacks for the stupidest shit. Brent's the black sheep as well as the scapegoat of Panic!, for example....and I would say that Ian is another black sheep too. Not for any negative reasons. He's simply not as popular, due to the fact he was only in Panic! during the Vices era for a short time. He's underrated as FUCK. I'm one of the black sheep in a lot of places [except for friend groups], even in my own family, so it explains why I stan Brent still.

I just want to say that selling drugs and doing drugs aren't inherently bad things to do. This doesn't mean that I'm for kids doing drugs and selling them. Absolutely not. I want people who do drugs or sell drugs to be treated like human beings. I also want them to be able to seek help easier without the judgment or being treated like a criminal. Personally, I don't do any of that, but I understand why someone would. (This kind of thing hits home for me.)

As far as the whole weapon thing is concerned (it was a gun), I personally don't like them and we need better gun control in the United States. I don't think I'd trust anyone who owns a gun because of the possibility that they would hurt me or worse in an argument or something. I've seen my abuser threaten to pull a gun out on my dad when I was a kid. Thankfully it wasn't loaded, but still. It was scary. I wouldn't own a gun because I'm autistic, mentally ill, and I'm afraid of what I might do in certain situations. If someone wants to own a gun for protection, hunting, target practice, or to collect them, fine. BUT YOU DON'T NEED A HUGE ASS GUN THAT THE MILITARY USES TO GO HUNTING OR FOR TARGET PRACTICE. I don't like them, I don't want one, I don't trust myself with one, guns scare me, and I want better gun control in the United States. It terrifies me that people openly carry. I understand that's the Second Amendment and all, but it doesn't change the fact that it terrifies me. As long as you're responsible with that kind of thing, I don't really care.

I don't know what Brent's reason was for (allegedly) owning a weapon (maybe for protection or something?), but it's none of my business.

In my opinion, this is all stupid shit. There are people who have done horrible things and they're STILL free people, but oh, god forbid you do or sell drugs! THAT'S bad. /s

Here's my response below. I'll type out everything, except for the disclaimers and what he was arrested for. I will start from the fifth paragraph on the first screenshot and continue from there. This is so anyone who has a hard time reading any of the screenshots can read them easier.

(My response was from around the time it was announced that he was arrested. Just so you know.)

First screenshot, fifth paragraph:

First off, I just want to say that this situation is a fucked up one for anyone to be in. I would never wish this on anyone. Especially because now, there's a baby involved, so this makes the situation worse. This is pretty difficult for me to put into words without coming off as bitchy or anything like that, so if I get bitchy here, I apologize.

Second screenshot, fifth paragraph:

I don't know what caused this mess to begin with, but I do know that Brent and his wife Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (when I was typing this out initially). While it's a good thing for them, it can be assumed that this is also a very stressful time for them.

Combination of third and fourth screenshots (These are pretty much only theories; not facts, and they will be broken up into paragraphs): 

The pandemic most likely isn’t helping their case. Las Vegas is a HUGE city and I’m sure A LOT of people there are REALLY struggling right now in all aspects. Maybe Brent and Taylor are struggling to pay off hospital bills or whatever (to put this into perspective, the average cost for hospital childbirth in Nevada is around $21,239, according to CBS News). The average salary for an accountant in Nevada is anywhere from $34k to $150k, and that all depends on education, experience (how long you’ve been in said career), certifications, and any additional skills. Take into account any other necessities they have to pay for, like their mortgage, bills, insurance, etc. 

Let’s say that they did manage to pay everything else off, but they’re struggling to pay the hospital bills from when they had their baby. (Having a baby is fucking expensive in the United States, regardless of whether there are complications or not, and regardless of whether you have insurance or not.) Let’s say they’ve tried every single option out there, but nothing seems to give still. Maybe the drug selling was a last resort on Brent’s part. (As I’ve said, I don’t know the full story.)

The whole subject of drug paraphernalia hits home for me. My parents both did drugs when I was a kid. I’ve seen it a lot growing up. My dad was, in the past, in and out of jail for drugs and other things that aren’t relevant here. I’m not sure if my mom was in and out of jail for the same shit, but I know for a fact my dad was. Y’know, because he told me. ANYWAYS. 

I get it. You gotta do what you gotta do. It’s not something I’d do personally, but I understand why somebody would do it. I wouldn’t treat them any differently. Maybe they’re selling drugs or whatever to keep themselves from losing their homes, put food on the table for their families, help pay their bills, pay for their education, whatever. It could be a number of things.

Fifth screenshot (people’s reactions to the news and my thoughts on them):

Now...let’s move on to how people are reacting to the news. There’s a lot of mixed reactions. A lot of people feel bad for Brent, especially since he and Taylor just had a baby a couple months ago (as I was typing this). Some people “aren’t surprised” because they were never fans of him in the first place. Others think this is amusing. I’ve seen some people who are solely involved in celebrity news (similar to TMZ) making jokes about the situation, which to me, is appalling.

Let me tell you something. It doesn’t matter if you’re a fan of Brent or not. This shit isn’t funny or cute in the slightest. It sure isn’t funny or cute to anyone who is being affected by the situation, which includes Brent himself, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. Like, full stop. Have some decency. Y’all are fucking gross. You can dislike Brent all you want, but he’s a real human being who fucked up. Personally, when I first heard the news, I couldn’t believe it at first. I thought I was having a fever dream. That is, until I looked it up and actually found that it was true. I was CRUSHED. Why? Because Brent is one of the last people I’d even expect to get into this whole mess. 

Sixth screenshot (my thoughts):

If I’m being honest here...like, BRUTALLY honest, Brent needs to be put in REHAB, not jail. For anyone who has been here (on my Instagram) from when I used to dedicate this account to vintage Panic!, you know how I’ve never said anything but kind things about Brent. From the few times I’ve interacted with him a little bit on Twitter and from how I’ve seen him interact with others on the site, Brent is one of the sweetest people ever. I’m being genuine here. He’s a good guy who fucked up and did some dumb shit. Does that make him bad? No. Then again, as far as I’ve read about the current situation at hand, it’s too early to really determine anything. None of us know what caused him to have drug paraphernalia or anything else that he was arrested for in the first place.

Seventh screenshot (wrap-up):

I’m gonna wrap this up here. My heart aches for Brent, Taylor, their son, and all their loved ones. I hope that everything gets straightened out, all sides of the story come out, and that Brent can get his shit together again. Like he had been doing since he was kicked out of Panic!. I wish everyone involved nothing but the absolute best right now, given how fucked up the whole situation is. (Just to clear up any confusion, when I was referring to Taylor, I’m NOT referring to Taylor Swift or any other celebrity with the name Taylor. I’m referring to Brent’s wife.) 

If you’ve read this far, thank you! If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll try to answer as best as I can.

Have my thoughts on the situation changed since February - March of this year? No.

I think that Brent needs some kind of help. That's why I mentioned rehab. It's obvious to me that's the kind of help he needs. I don't believe jail is helpful in certain circumstances (like drug charges, traffic violations, and other nonviolent crimes)....at least in the United States. They treat people who do drugs and/or sell drugs like they're subhuman. Yet there are people who have committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes, and they're still free people. Funny how that works. I'm not too educated about how the jail system works in other countries, so I can't exactly tell you how I feel about that system on an international standpoint.

Brent should be with his wife and child. I hope the guy gets his shit together again. I believe Brent WILL get his shit together. Genuinely. I would never wish anything bad on him.

I don't crucify Brent like a lot of people in the Panic! fandom do. The only reason I would hypothetically do so is if Brent actually committed violent, deplorable, horrific crimes (i.e., chomo bullshit, trafficking...like, extreme shit) that would warrant him being locked up and I'd drop him completely at that point. OBVIOUSLY I DON'T SEE HIM DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. EVER. THAT'S JUST HYPOTHETICAL.

Anyways....have a good day, y'all.

[musette22]

Hi Minnie! First of all, thank you for being so sweet, reasonable and respectful, I can't even describe how much joy your blog gives me! You are a true pro in emotional support for Evanstan fandom, so I guess I kinda need some reassurance. [1]

The thing is, as you probably know, some Seb stans on Twitter take the whole Chris insta situation and turn it into smth embarassing, like making fun of Seb and Mackie ignoring Chris and calling the idea of the challenge stupid (even though Chris did donate, not just "asked fans for money", as they say). It's like they feel the need to attack the first before smb calls they fav out. [2]

I know there ARE good people in Seb fandom, it's just that the aggressive ones are so loud and spread their bs so fast, I end up seeing it on my TL. No matter how stupid it sounds, it keeps making me sad to see so much hate towards Chris and his fans not from some random locals but from Seb stans. It's like two halves of my heart are torn apart. Not even ship-wise, it just seems so hard to love them both and be present on twitter these days. [3]

And, since I'm whiney af today, one more twitter thing: the CW promo era was some kind of honeymoon for us, sure, but I've recently seen some opinions on how Chris was all lovey-dovey and Seb was stiff and bored and uncomfortable, how their interviews were unnatural and boring. I mean, in my part of fandom (non-English speaking country) there has always been a popular perception of boys' dynamic as these "over-excited puppy playing around a confused cat" vids, if you know what I mean. [4]

But it kinda seemed ok for me, and the way they acted a little awkward around each other etc. Well, you can tell I'm easily affected cause now it does feel more negative to me. Stuuupid, I know. Maybe it's my "let's feel sorry for Chris and his fans" phase, idk. Sorry for bringing it here, you just seem to reassure people so well. [5 and last, it was long lol]

Hello my lovely!! This was indeed long hahaha but that’s totally fine, I myself am also someone who also has trouble keeping things short to I feel you 😘 

This is a very long reply so I’m putting it under the cut so I don’t clog up people’s dashes!

Okay so first of all, let me say I was never a fan of Twitter, but everything I’ve heard lately has just lowered my opinion of it even further. I know there’s a lot of amazing stuff and brilliant folks on there as well, but it also seems to be where all the bitchy, hateful, entitled and inappropriate people congregate. So personally, I’m very happy with my little community on Tumblr when it comes to fandom, and for news and social media I prefer actual news outlets and instagram. The sad truth is that there are a lot of harmful and hateful opinions in the world, and as someone who struggles with anxiety, I try to find ways to avoid a lot of it. Especially the stuff I can’t do anything about (you can try to reason with most haters until you’re blue in the face, and 90% of the time it’s not going to make an ounce of difference). It’s much easier to curate your own experiences on platforms like Tumblr and even Instagram than it is on Twitter, or so I’ve gathered. So I’m afraid I don’t have a lot of helpful advice for you there apart from ‘maybe try and stay away from Twitter if you can’ which you probably don’t really want either...

As for the whole Seb vs Chris issue: it’s clearly completely ridiculous. There is no ground whatsoever to believe they’re at odds. At worst, they’re now just casual work friends, but there is no reason to believe there’s any bad blood. It’s interesting to consider that initially, the argument seemed to be they had fallen out and both disliked each other (no idea where that came from but sure), then it was that Chris didn’t like Sebastian (because he allegedly shaded him when he joked that Scarjo was the only one of his friends who came to see Lobby Hero), and then Chris got Instagram and tagged and followed Seb, but because Seb hasn’t responded to the challenge yet, he now apparently hates Chris. For what reason, god only knows, because only last year at MCM London (where I was present myself) Sebastian gushed about Chris and his experiences with him while filming the Cap movies, and lets not forget it was him who initiated the hug at the Endgame premiere. Long story short: they don’t dislike each other. They’re completely fine, people just like to make up drama for whatever reason.   

As for the Sebastian stans who hate Chris and vice vera: to be honest, I wasn’t even really aware it was an issue until recently, because I was under the naive impression that it was kind of impossible to love one but hate the other. Both of them are such amiable, sweet, thoughtful, funny, talented guys, and everyone who actually knows them adores them, so why on earth anyone could hate either of them is beyond me. But even if you do, I genuinely don’t understand this need to pit them against each other? Why? I think a lot of it is down to people just liking drama, or being actual 12 year-olds who still see the world in a kind of high school dynamic-way. I’m not saying Chris and Sebastian have never done anything wrong, but in my opinion, none of it warrants outright hate or being cancelled over. It’s such an immature and unreasonable take. I’m just sorry for the people who can’t love both of them, because man, are they missing out! I understand that it’s painful for you to see all those opinions when you love both of them so much, but that’s why I try to just avoid them. I know they exist, but not seeing them makes dealing with it a whole lot easier, I promise! ❤️

With regard to the challenge itself: if the celebrities who are taking part in it are not donating themselves, then yeah, that would be problematic. However, we know that Chris donates to a ton of different charities, so there’s no doubt in my mind that he’s donated to this cause as well. Asking people to buy tickets to try and win this “prize” is not in itself an issue, if you ask me. People can think for themselves, can’t they? If they think it’s worth it, they think it’s worth it. They’re not being forced to part with their money, and moreover said money is being used to help people in need. Of course fake and problematic charities exist, but there are still good ones out there as well, so let’s assume for the moment this one is actually doing all of this from a genuine desire to help people and it’s not some money grabbing scheme.

Furthermore, as I’ve said so many times before, I really don’t believe Sebastian and Mackie are “ignoring” Chris. If they’re choosing not to do the challenge (they still might do it at some point) then I’m sure they have a good reason for that and it isn’t that they’re holding a grudge and are thinking “screw this charity and that Chris Evans, I’m going to ghost him to get my revenge!” I mean, do these people even realize how ridiculous that sounds 🙄 I also believe they would have let Chris know about their decision privately. They do have each other’s phone numbers, you know... 

And lastly, about the CW press tour... I don’t know what footage these people have been watching to come to such conclusions, or what’s wrong with their eyes and ears, but that makes NO sense to me. I’ll tell you what; it was mostly the footage from the CW press tour that got me convinced there was something going in between the two of them! Both Chris and Sebastian acted in a way that screamed “smitten kittens” to me, and if there was ever any “stiffness” from Sebastian’s side, then that was no doubt just his slightly more reserved personality compared to Chris and Mackie’s. Chris and Sebastian’s videos together give me LIFE, so for anyone to call them boring is actually kind of insulting lol. To me, almost every interaction Chris and Seb had during that press tour showed that they were either low-key (in a friendship way) or high-key (in a romantic way) crushing on each other, and they clearly admire each other very much. Any awkwardness I’ve ever seen between them for me seemed to stem from that crush (is anyone not at least a little awkward around their crush sometimes?) and not from any dislike from either side. That’s actually such a ridiculous idea to me that it doesn’t even make me worried, it just makes me laugh. Some people really don’t have eyes, it seems. 

Anyway, that was a reeeeeeaaaaaallllyyyyy long reply lmao, I’m sorry! I hope this helps a little though, because I do know how shitty it is to feel like you do about things that are supposed to make you happy!! Tuning out the haters and focusing on people who feel the same way you do in my experience is the best way to get to feeling good again 🥰 Big hug, and hopefully you’ll feel better soon!

[backtobasicbellas]

amy x hope + “Why are you so jealous?”

word count: 2,269

//

In retrospect, Amy should have known this probably was never going to end well.

This being the fact she’s fake dating Hope in attempts to make Ryan jealous.

It happens in the bathroom at school one day. After a terribly awkward encounter with Ryan which leaves Amy absolutely flustered and muttering how stupid she is, Hope emerges from a stall with an amused smirk.

“That was painful to listen to,” Hope tells her. “I was just trying to pee in peace.”

Amy looks up from her self-deprecating muttering and somewhat freezes when she sees Hope. Her cheeks immediately begin to flush.

“Uh, you were...you were in there the whole time?”

“Yup,” Hope nods, popping the ‘p’ in her response. “Heard everything.”

Amy rolls her head back in embarrassment and frustration. “God, she probably thinks I’m such a freak.”

“Most likely.”

Amy gives her a helpless look.

Hope shrugs, still wearing her smirk.

“You know what would help?”

“What?”

“You actually dating someone and not spending every waking second with your neurotic wife.”

Amy opens her mouth, but there’s nothing that comes out. She’s offended by multiple parts of Hope’s last comment, and she isn’t quite sure where to begin. She barely even knows Hope, but she knows the girl is never one to hold back her thoughts for the sake of someone else.

“Molly’s not-” Amy cuts herself off, deciding that’s not the most important part of their discussion right now. “How am I supposed to date someone when I can barely talk to a girl I’m interested in?” 

It’s then that Hope’s eyes light up with mischief and she tilts her head in a menacing way.

“Who said you had to actually date someone?”

And that’s how it starts, after Hope practically corners Amy in the bathroom and concocts a plan to pretend to be Amy’s girlfriend. Amy thinks she’s crazy, but Hope is kind of scary and intriguing and beautiful all at the same time and really, she can get all the help she can get if she wants a girlfriend before she dies so, she goes through with it.

This is how they end up here, now, with Amy’s back against the lockers and Hope towering over her with one arm over head head and resting against the locker to keep her steady. Hope looks down at her with an easy smile on her face, one that might’ve seemed unnatural to anyone else, but to Amy she thinks it fits Hope well.

Amy’s getting used to this now; she’s getting used to how she and Hope take turns picking each other up in the mornings for school. She’s used to Hope hanging out on the hood of her car while waits for Amy to finish up whatever extracurricular she has that day, either reading or writing or sketching. She’s used to having Hope come over, listening to music or watching a movie or just spending hours talking while they lie on her bedroom floor.

Being with Hope is easy; she’s more than her harsh comments and intimidating beauty. Hope is smart and intricate and so much more complex than anyone else understands.

And this is the problem now, because Amy thinks she’s falling for Hope.

Despite her scary and somewhat bitchy nature, Hope goes out of her way always to make sure Amy’s comfortable with anything and everything. Whether it’s holding her hand, kissing her cheek or even kissing her in front of Ryan and other people - she always manages to make sure she’s not doing too much.

 (“You don’t have to ask if you can kiss me every time anymore,” Amy says shyly. “It’s cool.”

Hope looks at her with and tell her in a genuine voice, “Consent in important.”

Amy bites her lip to stop herself from smiling like an idiot, because that might’ve been the sweetest thing Hope’s ever said to her.)

Sometimes when they hold hands Hope’s thumb traces shapes on the back of Amy’s hand soothingly, softly. It makes Amy’s insides melt just a little every time.

And now, Hope is looking at her in the middle of this damn hallway like she’s the most interesting person on earth, and it just about drives Amy insane.

But this is all pretend. Hope is doing all these things because she should as a fake girlfriend.

(She’s a damn good one at that.)

Hope leans down and presses a kiss to Amy’s forehead before her other hand is coming up to rub soft circles on Amy’s lower back.

“Ryan just walked by,” Hope mumbles by her ear, giving her chills. 

“Oh,” Amy says, trying to keep her breathing even. “Thanks.”

Amy honestly can’t even tell if it’s working; she’s finding herself paying more attention to Hope and less to Ryan these days.

Apparently it is working though because Ryan is magically beginning to talk to Amy a lot more. It’s almost like any excuse she can, she talks to Amy. And quite honestly, Amy doesn’t even know what to do with all the attention. Between Hope playing a damn good fake girlfriend and Ryan suddenly picking up interest, Amy thinks she might pass out at any given minute.

“Dude, you’re like a total lesbian heart throb,” Molly tells her at lunch one day.

Amy snorts. “Yeah right. This thing with Hope isn’t even real, remember? We’re pretending.”

Molly hums like she knows something Amy doesn’t, but Amy doesn’t seem to notice.

“Ryan’s been talking to me a lot,” Amy says one day when they’re laying on Amy’s floor.

Hope is quiet for a moment before she replies, “I’ve noticed.”

Amy hums, a little too lost in thought to notice the shift in Hope’s tone.

“I think she wants to hang out soon,” she continues. “She was telling me about this cool spot she and her skater friends hangout at after school. She was saying that I should check it out some time.”

“Maybe you should,” Hope says, suddenly getting up. “I have to go.”

Amy frowns, checking her watch. Hope never leaves this early.

“Where are you going?”

Hope shrugs, not looking at her. “I have some stuff to catch up on.”

Amy sits up in confusion and watches as Hope grabs her keys and her backpack, slinging it over her shoulder without glancing once at Amy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” she says.

“Oh um, okay,” Amy answers dumbly. “Bye Hope.”

(And honestly, for as smart as Amy can be, she’s really stupid when it comes to girls.)

She and Ryan start hanging out at school, Amy guesses. It’s not like, they plan it or anything, but Ryan somehow happens to be around more often than not when Hope and Molly aren’t and it’s just, kind of nice to have another person to hang out with.

(Amy doesn’t realize that sometimes, Hope sees them.

She watches for a moment before she storms away, unhappy features settled on her face.)

She doesn’t think too much of it when Gigi approaches her after Ryan skates away to class.

“What are you doing?” Gigi demands, eyes wide.

“Uh,” Amy stutters, unsure how she feels about having Gigi up in her face. “I - uh, what?”

“You’re going to ruin it!” Gigi exclaims, throwing her hands up in the air as she takes a step back. “Why would you do that?”

Amy somewhat shrinks into herself as she says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Gigi.”

Gigi leans in once again, but this time she whispers, “She’s more vulnerable than you think.”

Now Amy just furrows her eyebrows. “What?”

But the bell rings and suddenly Gigi is running off to what Amy hopes is her next class.

Amy can only sigh before she heads into her own class, where she knows she’ll find Hope.

She doesn’t notice how lately, Hope’s been a bit more affection and holds Amy’s hand a little longer.

She doesn’t notice the way Hope’s face lights up when she walks into a room.

So when one day, Hope’s the one that has to stay after school for one of her art projects, Amy doesn’t think twice about hanging out with Ryan in the parking lot and attempting to learn how to skateboard.

Amy has fallen twice and tripped three times, but she’s having fun and entertaining herself while she waits for Hope.

She misses the way Hope’s entire demeanor shifts when she walks out into the parking lot and sees how Amy is laughing and looking at Ryan.

“Amy,” she calls out in a sharp tone, making a beeline for her car.

Amy jolts at the sound of her voice, but recognizes it as Hope. She bids Ryan a goodbye - which gets a “later dude” in response - and walks over to Hope’s car, hopping in.

“How was your project?” she asks.

Hope turns on the car and replies shortly, “Fine.”

They don’t speak the whole way home, something that makes Amy uncomfortable. The music is louder than usual today and Hope seems to be gripping the steering wheel tightly. She keeps her eyes on the road and never once looks at Amy, and something feels off.

“Hope, are you mad at me?” Amy asks in a small voice.

“No.”

“Why aren’t you talking?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

Amy doesn’t think she’ll get much more out of Hope, so she sits back and takes the answers for what she can get.

When Hope pulls up to Amy’s house, she makes no move to stop the car. All she does is put her car in park and waits, one hand still on the steering wheel.

“..Are you not coming inside?” Amy asks. “I thought you wanted to do homework.”

“Not anymore.”

And Amy feels like she’s a very patient person, but Hope’s attitude since they got in the car is starting to bother her.

“If I did something you should just tell me.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Hope snaps. “Maybe I’m just not in the mood. Not everything’s about you, you know.”

Amy blinks, not expecting the attack from Hope.

“If you’re upset we should just talk about it,” Amy suggests.

“Don’t you have Ryan to talk to now?”

The way Hope sneers takes Amy by surprise. She hasn’t seen this side of Hope in a long time, not since she was too afraid to even approach the other girl. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Ugh God nothing,” Hope groans with a roll of her eyes.

“I don’t believe you,” Amy tells her.

“Well, too bad.”

“Hope.”

“Amy.”

“We’re talking about this.”

“No we’re not.”

“Hope,” Amy repeats.

“Fuck Amy!” Hope hisses, shutting off her car and getting out before slamming the door.

Amy watches in the mirror as Hope makes her way to the back of the car, leaning against it. She waits for a few seconds before she also follows suit - minus the slamming - and stands in front of Hope, arms crossed.

“What is your problem?”

“Jesus, why are we even still doing this?” Hope asks, exasperated. “Why is this still going on? Ryan’s all over you, you got what you wanted. She’s always hanging around you every second I’m not there. She always trying to impress you with her dumb skater tricks and honestly Amy, she’s not smart enough for you.”

As Hope rattles on every possible way Ryan has Amy’s attention, Amy notices the way Hope gets worked up. Something clicks in her head, something that Molly had teasingly joked about the other day.

(“God she’s sending daggers to Ryan,” Molly muttered when Hope goes to throw away her tray. “It’s like she’s jealous or something.”

“She’s just that good,” Amy had shrugged.)

“Why are you so jealous?” Amy asks, quirking an eyebrow.

Hope makes a face. “What?”

“You’re jealous,” Amy tells her.

“No I’m not,” Hope scoffs.

“Yes you are, or else you wouldn’t be so worked up on Ryan talking to me like we planned.”

Hope’s jaw sets and she won’t look directly at Amy. Amy thinks she’s onto something here.

“This was just supposed to be an act,” Amy tells her.

Hope’s working her jaw and now is pointedly not looking at Amy.

“It was,” she agrees.

“But I don’t think it is anymore,” Amy continues.

Hope shrugs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Amy takes a step towards her and says, “Well, it’s not for me anymore.”

Only then does Hope snap her head back to look at Amy, giving her a hard look.

“What?”

“I thought it was going to be great when I finally got Ryan to notice me,” Amy shrugs. “but it wasn’t. I...already had what I needed.”

Hope just watches, trying to read Amy like she always does. Amy takes that as a sign to continue.

“Being with you is easy. I like who I am when I’m with you. I like when you hold my hand and kiss me. I don’t want to pretend it’s not real anymore.”

She bites her lip, waiting with baited breath for Hope’s response. For a fleeting moment, she feels like she’s gotten it all wrong, that Hope was upset for another reason and was just taking it out on her. She opens her mouth to take it all back when Hope is reaching out and tugging her closer by the front of her jacket.

“I like being with you,” Hope says softly, her eyes flittering down and back up. “And I like you.”

Amy smiles in relief. “Cool.”

Hope snorts. “God you’re such a loser.”

“You like this loser,” Amy reminds her.

Hope grins. “Yeah, I do.”

[kyliehorsegirl]

Bound By the Soul (Michael Langdon x Reader) REQUEST

A/N: This is a long one shot. I hope you enjoy.

Requested By: @michaellangyum “Reader and michael are soulmates and they can feel each others pain.”

Warnings: smut and language

Word Count: 3133

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Do you ever feel like there is a person out there for you? Neither do I. After having a shitty boyfriend in high school and another shitty boyfriend in college, there’s not the right person for me.

 “There’s other fish in the sea.”

 “There’s more candy in the candy store.” All the stupid little sayings, I would hear them all.

 “You just haven’t found the right guy yet.” That was always a favorite. There are 7 billion people on this planet. How the hell am I supposed to find the person that was meant for me? My family always believed that there was someone out there for me, for everyone.

 Some people would say I wasn’t looking hard enough, why bother looking? I have better things to do than to look for a dependent waste of space.

 They say if you want to get to the top, you have to start at the bottom. That’s how I unfortunately ended up with Coco. Yes, she had Mallory and Gallant but apparently, she needed yet another slave. When I moved to L.A I wanted to be in Social Networking and Business Management. What I got, posting on Coco’s Instagram, because she can’t do it herself. At least I was able to relieve some stress of Mallory. My time working for Coco, I grew close to Mallory. Considering I had no friends when I moved here.

 I was posting a photo of Coco on her “influencer phone”, while she could scroll on her personal phone. Mallory came rushing in with some puke green health smoothie. Encouraging her to drink the super juice, Coco spits in Mallory’s face. Coco is such a bitch. I hand Mallory a towel as she wipes her face.

 All of our phones go off at once. It was a bomb warning.

 “Its fine their fake.” Gallant, Mallory and I all look to each other with concerned looks.

 It wasn’t fake. Now we are all on Coco’s private jet, Mallory sees that we are on auto pilot. It’s fine, everything is fine. We see the mushroom cloud explode through the air.

  That is how we are here. The Outpost. An underground facility, safe and protected from the radiation and monsters. Purples and Greys, we were divided into two categories. Greys were servants and Purples were the elite. Poor Mallory was stuck being a grey. I would’ve wanted to be a grey with her, but here I am, a purple. Life at the Outpost was so damn boring.

 At least as a grey, you cleaned, ‘cooked’ and didn’t have to be involved in boring gossip. Day in and day out. Our days consisted of cube meals, gossip, whining and the same fucking music every single day.

 Stu and Gallant had “radiation” and were taken to get hosed. Stu didn’t make it. That night Venable, the bitchy prude who ran this place, served us ‘stew’ with fresh meat. Andre lost his shit when he found a finger in his stew. Half of us didn’t eat it or stopped eating, a few others ate it in all it’s glory. Like Evie, Gallant’s crazy starlight grandmother.

 We were all in the sitting room, a melancholy sense in the air. Andre was sobbing in the corner with his mom, the rest of us stared aimlessly in the room with hooded eyes.

 “Guys, do you hear that?” Emily stood up with wide eyes, we all look to her like she’s crazy.

 “I don’t hear anything.” I said cocking my head to the side.

 “Exactly! The music stopped.” We all looked around, the room silent. Gallant leaps out of his seat, the record player scratches as “The Morning After” plays. He runs to the record player gesturing to it ecstatically.

 “This is the Cooperative! They are trying to send us a message!” Gallant proceeds to cover, terribly the song as it plays.

 Suicide was a thought as “The morning after” has played for the billionth time in the last 18 months. We were zombies at this point. Ms. Venable announced that today was the last breakfast we would be having in order to sustain our rations. We were all in a uproar before Gallant and Mallory spoke of taking their chances out in the world. Gallant throws his food and plate causing it to shatter everywhere.

 Before discipline could ensue, there was a perimeter breech. Lights flashes and sirens wailed. Ms. Venable’s face paled for a moment as her and Ms. Meade excuse themselves from the table.

“What the fuck is going on?” Andre was pacing all over the sitting room, Emily and Timothy were holding each other’s hands. We’ve been here for almost two years and there has never been a perimeter breech.

 Come dinner time there was another one of Venable’s infamous stews, snake stew. Courtesy of Emily, who found snakes in her bedroom. I would’ve been adventurous if it wasn’t for the snakes coming alive and scaring the shit out of us.

 “Who’s in your office?” Emily said, absent of snake related shell shock. Ms. Venable makes an irritated expression before sighing.

 “I’m afraid that’s none of your business.” She excuses herself from the table. We all look to each other, dumbfounded by all the changes.

 In the sitting room, we all remain silent. An eerie chill creeps up my neck, goosebumps pepper my arms. Odd, I’ve never felt that before. Ms. Venable makes her way out in front of us. The fire rages behind her. She stomps her cane, once, twice. Gathering the attention of us all. Before she could speak, a man walks in. He has no regard for personal space as he is inches from her face, he turns his head as if to say, ‘get the fuck out of my way’.

 I felt a cold chill. I rub my arms subtly, no one else seems uncomfortable, other than the demeaning presence of this man.

 His hair cascades down, illuminated by the light of the fire. He is clad in modern-Victorian wear. Nothing like we have to wear.

 “My name is Langdon, and I represent the cooperative.” His voice floats into my ears like honey. After that, all I hear is ringing, as he speaks I see his mouth move, but I can’t hear what he’s saying.  My mind is fuzzy.

 My mind is clear when I hear Gallant. Volunteering like it’s the Hunger Games.

 “I’ll go first.” Gallant shrugs. Langdon rolls his head, unenthused towards Gallant.

 “And so you shall.” He looks at me for a long time before moving. I felt frozen, I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe. I can’t read his expression. He lets out a sigh before making his way back to Venable’s (his) office.

 As if coming out of a trance, I can breathe again.

 “What the hell was that?” Mallory bends down to whisper in my ear.

 “I honestly don’t know.”

 I wait for my interview with a large amount of anxiety. I’m alone in the sitting room as everyone makes their way to their interviews. Once done, most retire to their rooms for the night. I glance up to the staircase seeing Mallory running out of Langdon’s office. I scrunch my brows as she hurries to her room. Following a hunch, I follow her.

 I knock once on her door, no response. I hear her sobbing so I enter without asking. She is curled up in a corner crying.

 “Mallory? Are you ok?” Kneeling down to her, I place a hand on her shoulder. She sniffles before lifting her face, revealing puffy eyes and tear stained cheeks.

 “No, there is something wrong with Langdon. He was pushing me, saying I had darkness inside me. There’s something clawing inside of me, trying to get out.”

 “What do you mean there’s something wrong with him?” I shift myself to sit next to her against the wall.

 “He, he scared me. His face was white, black veins all over. It was terrifying.” My eyes go wide, not questioning her. Mallory has always been level headed. She wouldn’t lie about something like that.

 Some time passes, we are sitting and talking about everything. Since we’ve been here, we haven’t been able to talk like we used to. I sense that its getting late so I stand to retire to my room.

 “I better get going. I wouldn’t want Venable to get mad at us.” We laugh a bit as I walk through her room to the door, when an awful pain stops me in my tracks. I let out a scream holding my arms out. I feel a fiery pain dragging up both of my arms, a sharp sting resonates.

 “Y/n, what’s wrong?” Mallory holds her hands out to me, lost not knowing what to do.

 “I don’t know Mallory, my arms, they hurt! It feels like they’re on fire.” I begin to cry from the pain. Looking at my arms I see no marks or cuts. I don’t know what is causing this pain. I scream as I sink to the ground, collapsing to the ground. I hear Mallory scream my name when everything goes black.

 I wake up in a bed that is not my own. My mind is fuzzy, the sting in my arms long gone. I look around the room. No clue as to where I am. Slowly, I get out of the bed. Making my way to the door I hear someone descending the spiral stair case. Langdon.

 “You’re awake.” I look to him, still as stone as he makes his way to me.

 “What, why am I here? What’s going on?” My voice comes out shaky. He grins at me, standing tall in front of me.

 “Let’s sit, I know you have a lot of questions.” His eyes penetrate deep into my soul. I think back to what Mallory said about him. I shift closer to the door as my hand creeps to the handle. His eyes glance to my hand before looking back up at me.

 “I wouldn’t do that Y/n. Sit.” Langdon turns to some seats by the fireplace. I fight myself on leaving and sitting with him. Curiosity gets the better of me as I follow slowly behind him. He is seated before I am, eyes watching my every move.

 He stares at me for quite some time before saying anything, causing me to squirm under his gaze. His fingers grace his chin in a thinking manor. I take note of the rings on his fingers.

 “You felt pain earlier, didn’t you?” I look to him with wide eyes.

 “Yes, I did.” Speaking softly, I don’t know if he heard me.

 “Where?” Odd. I take a moment, trying to process what is going on.

 “Um, both my inner arms, all the way up.” I rub my arms self-consciously. He hums in response before getting up and going to his desk. I watch his every move. He gets into a drawer, grabbing a knife. I feel a knot in my throat. My heart accelerates.

 “I want you to trust me. Can you do that?” I slowly nod, scared of what is to happen next. Langdon sets the knife in his chair before untying the cravat on his neck.

 “Trust me.” He uses the cravat to blindfold me. My heart thumps so loud I can hear it in my ears. I hear him sit back down into the chair. Some time goes by when I feel a sharp pain in my palm. I let out a yelp, thinking he just cut my hand. That can’t be possible, I don’t feel his hands on me.

 I rip the blindfold off, looking at my hand, nothing. I look at him seeing the knife in one hand and a large gash in the other. I can’t comprehend what is going on. The blood dries as the cut heals.

 “I understand this is very confusing to you, but I had to be sure it really was you.” I look to him with utter confusion.

 “Do you believe in soulmates?” He gets up to kneel in front of me. It makes me question everything.

 “My family does, but I don’t.” I speak, unsure of myself at this point. He takes my hands in his.

 “Are you sure?” I don’t know. “Soulmates can feel the pain of their mate. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.” He cleans the blade and hands it to me. I don’t want to cut myself. However, I am curious. I take the blade and he grabs the blindfold, seating himself back in the chair. I try to find a spot that would be unexpected. I gently cut myself under my collarbone. He instantly brings a hand to his collar bone. The blood drips down my breasts and he takes his blindfold off.

 “I knew it. Interesting location by the way.” Langdon makes his way to me, leaning into me. He lowers his head near my breasts, licking the blood from my cleavage and licking my cut. I want to be grossed out, but I’m not. The cut heals and he remains by my face.

 “We are meant for each other. Made for each other. You feel my pain and I feel yours. We can feel each other’s emotions. I know you have felt my emotions. I have felt yours, the sadness and depression from being here. I’m sorry. I should’ve found you sooner and for that I am truly sorry.” He takes my hands and rubs his thumbs over them.

 “I, I don’t know what to make of all this.” I take in a deep breath. He nuzzles his nose into my neck, causing me to close my eyes.

 “I know my dear, it’s a lot to take in. I’m here now and I won’t let you go.” He looks deep into my eyes placing his forehead on mine. There is a sense of comfort. Part of me wants to leave, to run away, but I’ve never felt this calm and content before.

 “I sense your confusion. I know you don’t understand, but tryst me darling.” He brings me down with him on the floor. We sit by the fire, content in each other’s embrace.

 “I never wanted to be with someone. All my life, people have told me that there is someone for each of us. I didn’t want to believe them. I hated the idea, the men that have hurt me? I never wanted to find someone again.” I look down as some tears begin to fall. He holds my face in his hands, wiping my tears with his thumbs.

 “I would kill for you, those men that hurt you? They don’t deserve you. You are a gem. I am here now, that’s all that matters. I will keep the pain away. I don’t want you to hurt anymore.” He brings my head to his chest, holding me tight. I feel like I could be here forever.

 I don’t realize that I had fallen asleep. I awaken after sometime. I look up to Langdon. I lay in his lap.  He looks down to me smiling. His arms wrapped around me.

 “I didn’t want to wake you love.” His tone is so loving, I almost don’t believe it.

 “I’m sorry to have fallen asleep Mr. Langdon.” I try to remove myself from him, but he holds me tighter.

 “Michael, my name is Michael, I would love it if you called me that.” He strokes my hair, I hum in response.

“Michael, Michael Langdon. It’s a beautiful name.”

 We migrate to the bed, he carries me in his arms and gently sets me on his soft duvet. He lays me down, taking a spot next to me. He strokes my arm, then my side. I smile longingly at him.

 “I want to make you feel good Y/n, give you the love and pleasure you deserve.” He lifts my dress up as he runs his fingers up my leg, bringing the skirt with them. “I don’t want to push you, but I want to love you. Will you let me love you, make love to you?” He looks into my eyes, not moving any further.

 “I, I think I would like that.” His pupils are blown as he grips my neck gently in his hands, bringing me closer to him. He kisses me slow. There is want and need in the kiss. I can feel his want, I can feel the adoration he has for me. I kiss back, showing him that I want this too.

 His hands roam my body. Feeling heat everywhere they go. He climbs on top of me grabbing my thigh and lifting it to his hip. He kisses all along my neck leaving marks, he moans as the feeling of bites litter his own neck. I run my hands up to his hair tugging at his locks, I feel the tension on myself as well.

 He slips a hand under my dress pulling my panties down. He slips to fingers into my warm cunt. I gasp, its surreal. Michael pumps his fingers into him, hitting my g-spot with every thrust. He kisses me hard.

 My slick coats his fingers. He brings them to his lips licking them clean. He undoes his pants, springing free his hard cock. He looks to me, holding back the need and desire, I can feel it. I bring my hand to his cheek, he leans into it.

 “Its ok Michael, I want you.” His shoves his lips onto mine in a bruising kiss. He then thrusts into me. A white pleasure. I can’t breathe. No one had made me feel like this before. I bring my hips up to his, in rhythm of his thrusts. I arch my back, throwing my head into the pillow. My hands go to his back, clawing red streaks along his muscles. I feel it too. He thrusts into me, long and hard.

 “I’m close Michael.” I gasp out trying to ground myself by gripping onto him. His cock presses into my womb with every thrust. I feel my release coming. I cums inside me as my orgasm is enhanced. I feel his and he feels mine. Its an amazing amount of pleasure. We both moan loudly. He rests gently on me while still inside. His face in my neck. He takes deep breaths. My hand goes to the back of his neck, stroking his hair.

 He slowly pulls from me, both of us shuttering from the aftershock. He lays down next to me pulling my body to his. Michael wraps his arms around me, locking me in an embrace.

 “I love you Y/n, I won’t let you hurt anymore.” His kisses my hair and holds me tighter.

 “I love you too Michael.” I do believe in soulmates.

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Hope you enjoyed!

Langdon MASTERLIST

Taglist

@delicatefishtreedream @skullchik89 @wth-trippy @teenagevampirebouquet@glamorous-without-the-guilt @first-son-of-finwe @aerite @no-salvation-no-forgiveness @albeeox @shado-cat   @bryandechartisasmolbean @beautifulagatha @majestichoechlin @homeschool-prom-queen @the-captain-kidd @creepy-jazzy @spidey-starky @envyskitty @depressed-comics @bookwormstrawberry @scarletraine @quione3 @artisticlales @superwarsofthrones @hxdesworld @thebatshitcrazyfangirl @sexxxychiq @michael-langdon-is-daddy @justanotherdaydreamersoul @honeybun5801 @lost-in-the-stories @multi-madison  @agb-random @michaellangyum @xscarlett-rosex @m-i-a-m-c-d-e-e @lustlangdon @fuckthatfeeling @frozenhuntress67

[plounce]

here is my molly playlist! fair warning: my approach to playlists is not “good for public consumption” but instead “songs i already like that could possibly potentially apply to this character if i focus on these lines only.” there are NINE mountain goats songs on here.

it’s in a vague order of “carefree approach to life,” “gender,” “relationships with yasha & the others,” “thoughts on backstory,” “being glorious and vivacious and kind of self-destructive because of that and the desperate desire to feel and be alive,” and “death.”

annotated tracklist under the cut!

1. cabaret - cabaret

“What good is sitting along in your room? Come hear the music play / Life is a cabaret, old chum / Come to the cabaret!”

“What good's permitting some prophet of doom / To wipe every smile away?”

“Start by admitting from cradle to tomb / It isn't that long a stay / Life is a cabaret, old chum / It's only a cabaret, old chum / And I love a cabaret!”

2. na na na - my chemical romance

“Let's blow an artery / Eat plastic surgery / Keep your apology / Give us more detonation!”

“Oh, let me tell you 'bout the sad man / Shut up and let me see your jazz hands! / Remember when you were a madman, thought you was Batman / And hit the party with a gas can / Kiss me you animal!”

3. dancing through life - wicked

“Dancing through life, skimming the surface, gliding where turf is smooth”

“Dancing through life, no need to tough it when you can slough it off as I do / Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters / It's just life, so keep dancing through”

“Dancing through life, mindless and careless / Make sure you're where less trouble is rife / Woes are fleeting, blows are glancing, when you're dancing through life”

4. we are golden - MIKA

“Teenage dreams in a teenage circus / Running around like a clown on purpose / Who gives a damn about the family you come from / No giving up when you're young and you want some”

“I was a boy at an open door, why you staring? / Do you still think that you know? / Looking for treasure in the things that you threw / Like a magpie, I live for glitter not you”

“Now I'm sitting alone, I'm finally looking around / Left here on my own, I'm gonna hurt myself / Maybe losing my mind, I'm still wondering why / I had to let the world, let it bleed me dry / We are not what you think we are”

gender is fake: 5-7

5. the man - the killers

“They kiss on the ring, I carry the crown / Nothing can break, nothing can break me down / Don't need no advice, I got a plan / I know the direction, the lay of the land / I know the score like the back of my hand”

6. sexy, naughty, bitchy me - tata young

“I'm the kind that your momma and your daddy were afraid you'd turn out to be like”

“I may seem unapproachable but that's only to the boys who don't have the right approach or ride that makes a girl like me wanna hop in and roll”

7. true trans soul rebel - against me!

“All dressed up and nowhere to go / Walking the streets all alone / Another night to wish you could forget / Making yourself up as you go along”

8. nearly witches - panic

9. oh girl you’re the devil - MIKA

“She's a girl with a bag full of hearts and a devil's eyes / Crazy kids in the wild on the run to the county line / Shotgun for a tongue but says just what she likes / Oh, girl you're the devil”

“And I said follow me / Whoever you want to be / Don't care where you where you go / As long as you stay with me”

10. today - john denver

“Today while the blossoms still cling to the vine / I’ll taste your strawberries, I’ll drink your sweet wine / A million tomorrows shall all pass away / ‘Ere I forget all the joys that are mine today”

“Well I’ll be a dandy and I’ll be a rover / You’ll know who I am by the songs that I sing / I’ll feast at your table, I’ll lie in your clover / Who cares what tomorrow may bring?”

“I can’t be contented with yesterday’s glory / I can’t live on promises winter to spring / Today is my moment and now is my story / I’ll laugh and I’ll cry and I’ll sing”

“Well I’m just as restless as wind blowing westward / I can’t stay in any one place for too long / I live for today and I’ll leave you tomorrow / By morning you’ll know I am gone”

11. bulletproof heart - my chemical romance

“Gravity don't mean too much to me / I'm who I've got to be / These pigs are after me, after you / Run away, like it was yesterday / And we could run away, if we could run away / Run away from here”

“Me and your runaway scars got a photograph dream on the getaway mile”

“How can they say / ‘Jenny could you come back home?’ / Because everybody knows you don't ever want to come back / Let me be the one to save you”

“Are you going to be the one to save us from the black and hopeless feeling? / Will you mean it when the end comes reeling? / Hold your heart into this darkness / Will it ever be the light to shine you out or fail and leave you stranded? / I am not going to be the one left standing / You aren't going to be the one left standing / We aren't going to be the ones left standing”

12. lollipop - MIKA

yasha&molly songs: 12 - 15. these are all platonic obviously

13. you told the drunks i knew karate - zoey van goey

14. wonderful wonderful - the killers

“Motherless child, follow my voice, and I shall give thee great cause to rejoice / Motherless child, be of good cheer / My arm is reached out, I am here / I'll crush every doubt and every fear / Clothesline the shame and you will answer to the name: / Wonderful wonderful, wonderful wonderful / Motherless child I am with thee, thou wast never alone”

15. futile devices - sufjan stevens

“And when you play guitar, I listen to the strings buzz / The metal vibrates underneath your fingers / And when you crochet, I feel mesmerized and proud”

“But you are life I needed all along / I think of you as my brother, although that sounds dumb / And words are futile devices”

16. i will - mitski

“I will take good care of you, I will take good care of you”

“And we’re not out of the tunnel / I bet you though there's an end”

17. chasin’ honey - wild party

“Some parts of my brain are probably still sleeping / I wish I could tell but I'm probably still sleeping / I look to the window, I look through your eyes / I can see my reflection but I can't close the blinds / It's like someone's determined to change how I think / But if I just close my eyes I'll wake from each dream”

18. idylls of the king - the mountain goats

“My dreams are haunted by armies, armies of ghosts / Faces too blurry to make out / Numbers far too high to measure”

“Your eyes, twin volcanoes / Bad ideas dancing around in there / All of them, all of them, all lined up”

19. bury me face down - grandson

“When I go into the ground, I won't go quietly, I'm bringin' my crown”

“I've been counted out, left for dead / Wanted with a bounty on my head / But somehow, someway, I'm-a keep movin' along, movin' along”

20. survival - ajj

“And I gave a beer to a bum that was drinking / And I gave some sauce to my bestest friend for cooking / And I gave water to all I thought were thirsty / And that's how I learned how to survive”

“And I fed false information to the audience”

“I just handed you a giant load of gibberish / And I give love to a lover quite deserving of it / And I give thanks to all of you for listening / To the story of how I learned how to survive”

21. color in your cheeks - the mountain goats

“Come on in / We haven't slept for weeks / Drink some of this / It'll put color in your cheeks”

“They came in by the dozens / Walking or crawling /  Some were bright-eyed, some were dead on their feet / ... / But they came, and when they finally made it here / It was the least that we could do to make our welcome clear”

22. mercury - planetarium

“Carrier, friend - where do you run to?”

running from the past: 23-28

23. same old blues - phantogram

“I keep on having this dream / Where I'm stuck in a hole and I can't get out / There's always something that's pulling me down, down, down”

“Today, I lost my future to the past /... / Never getting far away enough / Like a shadow on the sidewalk, I can't shake it off / You can never change my mind”

24. thank you for the venom - my chemical romance

“I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me / I'm just the way that the doctor made me, on / And on, and on, and on / Love is the red the rose on your coffin door / What's life like, bleeding on the floor?”

“You’ll never make me leave / I wear this on my sleeve / You want to follow something / Give me a better cause to lead”

25. rio - MIKA

“The book has long been written, but I'd rather be just about anyone else but me, I hope you see / It doesn't mean I'm not a fighter, it's just that I wanna be a little lighter”

“Maybe I'll be myself when I'm somebody else”

“Anything you can lose I can lose better / Do my best with what life gave to me”

26. kill all your friends - my chemical romance

“And you can sleep in a coffin, but the past ain't through with you”

“Cause we are all a bunch of liars / Tell me, baby, who do you wanna be? And we are all about to sell it 'cause it's tragic with a capital 'T' / Let it be, let it be, let it be!”

“Cause we all wanna party when the funeral ends / And we all get together when we bury our friends”

“You'll never take me alive, you'll never get me alive / Do what it takes to survive, and I'm still here!”

27. how to embrace a swamp creature - the mountain goats

“Got out of bed, could not remember my own name"

“I stand where the flashing swords gleam / And I try to shake my head clear of the dream”

28. we don’t want your body - stars

“I've watched you take your make-up off / Your face grows hard, your eyes grow soft”

“Sleep now and dream of who you'll be / When you finally become someone”

29. nobody - mitski

“And I don't want your pity, I just want somebody near me / Guess I'm a coward, I just want to feel alright / And I know no one will save me, I just need someone to kiss / Give me one good honest kiss, and I'll be alright”

30. never quite free - the mountain goats

“It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward / With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand / And you'll breathe easier just knowing that the worst is all behind you / And the waves that tossed the raft all night / Have set you on dry land”

“It's so good to learn that from right here the view goes on forever / And you'll never want for comfort, and you'll never be alone / See the sunset turning red, let all be quiet in your head / And look about—all the stars are coming out / They shine like steel swords / Wish me well where I go / But when you see me, you'll know”

31. amy aka spent gladiator 1 - the mountain goats

“Do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive / Do every stupid thing to try to drive the dark away / Let people call you crazy for the choices that you make / Climb limits past the limits / Jump in front of trains all day / And stay alive”

“Play with matches if you think you need to play with matches / Seek out the hidden places where the fire burns hot and bright / Find where the heat's unbearable and stay there if you have to / Don't hurt anybody on your way up to the light”

“People might laugh at your tattoos / When they do get new ones in completely garish hues”

“Make up magic spells, wear them like protective shells”

32. townie - mitski

“And I want a love that falls as fast as a body from the balcony, and / I want to kiss like my heart is hitting the ground / I'm holding my breath with a baseball bat, though I don't know what I'm waiting for / I am not gonna be what my daddy wants me to be”

33. cry for judas - the mountain goats

“Speed up to the precipice and then slam on the brakes / Some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes / But we are the ones who don't slow down at all / And there's nobody there to catch us when we fall”

“... Can't learn how to behave / Still won't know how in the darkness of the grave / Long black night, morning frost / I'm still here, but all is lost”

death

34. save yourself, i’ll hold them back - my chemical romance

“I hope you're ready for a firefight / 'Cause the devil's got your number tonight / (They say!) ‘We're never leaving this place alive’ / But if you sing these words, we'll never die!”

“Get off the ledge and drop the knife / Not a victim of a victim's life / (Because!) This ain't a room full of suicides / We're believers, I believe tonight”

“I'll tell you all how the story ends / Where the good guys die and the bad guys win / (Who cares?) This ain't about all the friends you made / But the graffiti they write on your grave”

“So just save yourself, and I'll hold them back tonight!”

35. hebrews 11:40 - the mountain goats

“No ground is ever gonna hold me / ... / Bodies reassembling down where the worms crawl / Make your own friends when the world's gone cold”

“It gets dark and then / I feel certain I am going to rise again / If not by faith then by the sword / I'm going to be restored”

“Blood calls to blood as the hours draw down / Invent my own family if it comes to that / Hold them close, hold them near / Tell them no one's ever going to hurt them here”

“Steal the treasure and try to leave town / Fight my way back down, don't want to hurt anyone / Probably gonna have to before it's all done”

“Take to the hills, run away / I'm gonna get my perfect body back someday”

36. dead! - my chemical romance

“And if your heart stops beating, I'll be here wondering / Did you get what you deserve? / The ending of your life / And if you get to heaven, I'll be here waiting, babe / Did you get what you deserve?”

“So long, 'cause now you've got / Maybe just two weeks to live / Is that the most the both of you can give?”

37. the spine song - cake bake betty

“On your birthday you woke up / The snow was on the ground"

“You will steal all the smells / That cut through your nose and excite all your cells / When it's time to escape / You realize you've waited until it's too late”

“You pleaded, ‘Oh, kind sir, please let me say goodbye’ / Your soul ripped from your stomach / You gave an awful cry”

“And when I have died, will you use my spine to swing from tree to tree in search of places pleasing to the eye?”

38. back pack - ajj

“You were dead by the time that I had found you / Your blood was spilled on the couch where we had first kissed / So I carried you West to the sea, so I could wash you / Your body felt just like a backpack”

“You lived large till the day they finally caught you”

“And I wanna build a tower to all the nicer things you could have been / But I don’t like it”

39. fourth of july - sufjan stevens

“The evil, it spread like a fever ahead / It was night when you died, my firefly / What could I have said to raise you from the dead? / Oh, could I be the sky on the Fourth of July?”

“Sitting at the bed with the halo at your head / Was it all a disguise, like Junior High? / Where everything was fiction, future, and prediction”

"Did you get enough love, my little dove? / Why do you cry? / And I’m sorry I left, but it was for the best / Though it never felt right / My little Versailles."

“The hospital asked should the body be cast / Before I say goodbye, my star in the sky / Such a funny thought to wrap you up in cloth / Do you find it all right, my dragonfly?”

"Shall we look at the moon, my little loon? / Why do you cry? / Make the most of your life, while it is rife / While it is light”

40. the coroner’s gambit - the mountain goats

“When death came calling today / I heard the gentle grace of his cadences / And I couldn’t say no, I couldn’t say no”

“When he showed me his new silk scarves / Laid out on a shiny black plastic tray / Couldn’t say, couldn’t say, couldn’t say no”

“And I'm sorry I couldn't / Do you know how badly I wanted to? / Didn't want, didn't want, didn't want to lose you”

“But his smile was dazzling / And his eyes were sparkling / Like moonlight on the water at midnight”

41. wallowa lake monster - sufjan stevens

“Spathiphyllum on his grave / And like the cedar waxwing, she was drunk all day / We put her in the sheet, little wreath, candles on the crate / As the monster showed its face”

“As she waits for her children in the shade / Demogorgon or demigod, the ghost parade / No oblation will bring her back to our place”

42. the last song ever written - stars

“This is the last time that there'll be a last time / You'll wake up to the day without it / This is the last time that you're gonna lose someone / After this, it's you and your friends / It's you and your friends”

“We didn't know we knew you 'til we lost you / You tried to leave us all alone, we wish you had failed”

43. best friend - ajj

“Everything makes me bleed / The sparkle won't shine if you don't feed it light / Balls deep in reality / I spend all my time getting strung out on life”

“Your dead best friend is walking up the stairs / He's walking up the stairs with you”

“What is the wind saying? Does it tell who isn't there? / Do the spirits haunt us by blowing through our hair?”

44. dead hearts - stars

“Tell me everything that happened / Tell me everything you saw / They had lights inside their eyes”

“Did you see the closing window? / Did you hear the slamming door? / They moved forward, my heart died”

“Please, please tell me what they look like / Did they seem afraid of you? / They were kids that I once knew”

[iloveyou-morethanthis]

The Man of My Dreams

Word Count: 3,000

Rating: angst, mystery, eventual smut

Summary: A car accident steals four years of memory from a girl. Anyone in this circumstance would be surrounded by loved ones. But she's not. They've all abandoned her, or so she thinks? She's made new friends, and fallen in love again. But are they really new friends? Is it really a new love? Secrets, lies, deception all for the sake of protection. As her memories start to comeback she begins to recognize a familiar figure in her memories but before it all comes back she's in danger again. Will she survive long enough to uncover the secret in her own?

Dark.

Cold.

Quiet.

She awoke gasping for air.

Choking. Drowning?

That's how she always wakes up from them.

Dreams? Nightmares? Memories?

They don't happen as frequently now.

Once a month, maybe?

At least now they seem to guide her. As if they're trying to tell her something. She's no longer afraid of what they have to show her. The visions, as her therapist calls them, are her ‘suppressed memories’ trying to ‘resurface’. They always show her snippets and clips but never the full movie. Sometimes her mind plays reruns and she'll have the same dream for weeks. Sometimes they're new. Sometimes she'll remember them. Most of the time she doesn't. But there's one thing that's always the same.

Him.

She knows him.

Well she did, or did she?

“Maybe he’s your guide?” Her therapist would say.

Maybe he's my anchor. She thinks. He never takes me anywhere. He's always just....there

*ding*

The familiar sound of the front door rang through the coffee shop. At 6:30 in the morning the shop was usually buzzing, but it’s Saturday, even in the city, not many people are bustling around this early in the morning. She’s an exception of course, being assistant to the Head of Design for multi-million dollar fashion company meant that vacations and weekends mean nothing to her workload. This Saturday was no exception. The Fall line is to be released in one month, so her team is working overtime to prepare the finishing looks, prepping models and arranging last minute seating charts for the fashion show guests. Not to mention all the while preparing the looks books for next year’s summer and fall lines. Thankfully the Spring show is being handled by the second design team. Handling one season is hard enough, but getting three seasons in a row is unbearable. If fashion wasn’t something she loved she would’ve quit the first day of her internship, if you could call 72 work hours of stitch removal an internship. She still remembers soaking her hands in warm water the first weekend and crying to her brother about the witch she now calls her boss. He told her to quit if she hated it so much but she was determined to make it. She’s always wanted her own fashion line, and if getting it means she has to make deals with the devil, then show her the dotted line.

“Good Morning Katsumi.” The young man behind the counter greeted her.

“Good Morning Nini, and how come you never call me Sumi?” She returns his smile.

The man smirked, with a quick look behind him he leaned in close and spoke, “You know I’d call you that if it wasn’t for you know who.”

She peeked over his shoulder looking down the hallway. Just beyond the boxes of to-be-stocked coffee beans she could see his office. Jongin’s boss was mulling over some papers, with his silver rimmed glasses perched at the tip of his nose. He looks exhausted. His dark bangs falling into his face. He must have stayed up late last night only to return first thing this morning. She wanted nothing more than to walk behind the counter and run her fingers through his hair, to soothe and comfort the man.

“He works too hard,” Jongin says shaking her from her thoughts.

“Yeah, he does.” She agreed. Lifting her eyes to the office one last time she’s met with an empty desk. The man instead is standing in the doorway just behind Nini, looking right at her. She starts to stutter good morning but the air in her chest remains trapped. Words never breaking out. He's handsome. Gorgeous even. She's smitten. He's not nearly as tall or broad as Jongin, but still built, his muscles firm beneath his too tight dress shirts and dress pants (not that she was looking, but if she was she'd report a marvellous ass carved by the gods.) As perfect as his body was, it was his face that bewitched her. His doe eyes were a deep dark brown, so deep that when she looked into them she could see her secrets welling inside them. As if him looking at her could cause her to bare everything to him. His smile was contagious, his laugh just as precious. On the off chance she was graced with its beauty she felt happy for days. His smile was mostly gums and teeth, but boy was it the cutest thing she'd ever seen. She wanted nothing more that to see it on him always and to be the reason for that smile.

“Good morning Ma’am, is it your usual today.” The man said stepping from the doorway to the machines on Nini’s right.

“Actually sir I've already got it ready.” Nini said stepping to his left and handing over a large to go coffee and a warmed croissant in a small bag. Looking to his boss and back at Jongin she spoke a small thank you.

“Making me look bad,huh?” Minseok raised a brow in their direction.

“Oh please you're just making an excuse to not finish your work, a very pretty excuse if you ask me.” Nini quips, shooting a wink in Sumi direction. The heat in her cheeks rising quickly, while she silently wills it to disappear. An accidental glance towards Jongin’s boss shows she not the only one with tinted cheeks.

“So you're in awful early on a Saturday morning, even for you?” Minseok questions.

“Ugh tell me about it. Between closing the summer line and opening the fall one, yah girl gets no sleep.” She says using exaggerated hand motions. This brings a smile to both men's faces.

“Do they have you working Spring this coming year? Surely not Winter to finish out the year?” He questions, eyes full of concern.

“Thankfully no Spring. After the flower fiasco of 2017, I refuse to step within 10 feet of a Spring lookbook.” At that Jongin chuckles, apparently recalling her stories of the baby runways and mini flower floats. Her boss was lucky she actually liked children but that was more than she could say for the rest of her team.

“As for Winter I'll be joining the executive team as a designer. My accessory line was approved, so I won't have to plan the events for the season but just participate. It'll be nice, in a nerve wrecking kind of way.”

“Oh my god, Congratulations, Sumi!” Minseok expresses, noticing Sumi’s surprise he adds, “Really, I mean it. It's a big deal to have your line appear. Especially on the executive team. Your work must be amazing if you've only been with them for 3 years.”

She can feel her cheeks warming again at the praise. “Thank you. I'd like to think it's because I work hard, but my work is pretty amazing if I do say so myself.” She winks. Looking to her watch it reads 6:45am, she doesn't need to be in the office until 7:30 but not wanting to catch traffic she decides to say her goodbyes.

“Nini are you gonna be at the studio next weekend for Yixing’s classes?” She asks.

Jongin and Sumi met at Yixing's dance studio, not too far from the coffee shop. Even though they go to the studio for different reasons, Jongin to choreograph and Sumi to relax, they both love dance. That's what they built their friendship on, it's also how she found the coffee shop, and in turn Minseok. She'd been coming to this coffee shop for almost 2 years. Her and Nini meeting shortly prior, their friendship never extended past the studio and the coffee shop. She was okay with that. In the time she's been coming to the shop, she and Minseok had never exchanged anything more than a few pleasantries, it was love at first sight. Well from her sight.

“Yep, and guess who's gonna be recording his choreo?” Jongin says wiggling his eyebrows.

“No way!! Is this the same one you were working on in spring?! I'm so glad you finally finished. Does this mean he's gonna let you teach it? Oh please please teach it! I better feature in this video or we’re gonna fight.” She joked. Jongin worked hard on his choreos always honing his skills making sure each move was perfect and if anything felt off or just not quite right it never saw the light of day, that is until he found just what was missing.

“Promise. I teach first thing Saturday morning. I'm nervous, it's not like it's my first time teaching but I guess since the class is international it makes it a big deal.”

“You'll do great Nini. Don't worry about it. I'll be right there in the front row” She encourages. At that moment another customer walks through the door. “Well I should get going I will see you guys later.” She waves.

Minseok and Jongin laugh. “We'll see you tomorrow.” They chime.

“Heyyyyyy.” She faux pouts. “I have the day off tomorrow so I was gonna sleep in.”

“Mhmm sure,” Minseok taunts, as Jongin helps the new arrival. “So I'll just make your coffee for dine-in, maybe even later in the day? 8:30?”

She sighs, tapping a finger on her chin thoughtfully. “I suppose I do have some errands to run tomorrow. I guess spending the morning here wouldn't hurt.” She smiles. Minseok nods in acknowledgement and waves her out the door. With a quick wave from Nini she heads down the sidewalk towards her car.

At seven o'clock it's time to close up shop. He let Jongin go home early. Since he goes to school now he lets him pull doubles on weekends as to not disturb his class work. He always feels bad for him and tries to send him home to get some rest when the shop isn't busy. The kid works too hard. He's wiping down the last table when he hears the door open.

“We're closed.” He calls out to the customer.

“Ah, sorry about that. Good thing I'm not here for coffee,” the customer states.

Minseok's heard that voice before, and he's certainly not fond of it. It's arrogant, irritating, bitchy, pushy and too smooth. His voice sounds like it belongs to a seasoned salesman. The kind that sells you what you never needed, takes your last penny and you never realize it till you've already sold your soul. He's the devil.

“Well, to what do I owe the pleasure, Yuta.” Tucking the towel in his back pocket, he places the last chair on the table. He hates saying the young man's name, it always leaves a foul taste in his mouth.

“Shall we sit?” The younger asks motioning to a booth by the window. No doubt making the elder an easy target for whatever gunman the younger has stationed outside, should Minseok try anything. Which, sounds like a pleasing thought, but he's not in the mood to take a bullet over a good sock to the younger’s face. Minseok heads to the booth and takes a seat. He glances out the window for any visible signs of Yuta’s men, but it's all in vain. Even with his trained eye he could only guess the spots they're in. After all this is his territory, so Minseok is confident that even if he doesn't have eyes on Yuta’s men, then Seungcheol definitely does. He and Jongdae were opposed to him opening up the coffee shop complaining that it leaves him exposed and vulnerable. He's been known to live on the edge never worrying about consequences, that is, until that day. He always knew his risk-taking would get him hurt, maybe even kill him. He was ready for that, but he wasn’t ready when the consequences fell to someone he cared most about. He never expected that she would have to pay the price.

“I'm sure you know why I'm here.” Yuta smiles warmly. To those who don't know him they'd trust that smile in good faith, but Minseok knows that smile all too well, it sends cold chills down his spine.

“Actually, I'm not quite sure why you're here. As I recall, we settled our business months ago with no intentions of renegotiating.” Minseok said sternly. Minseok is almost 32 and has obtained, maintained and controlled most of Seoul’s underground for a decade, as well as outer lying cities. He was young like Yuta when he came up. He was arrogant pushed the boundaries and grew his territory with a relentless hunger and iron fist. Yuta has recently overtaken a smaller rival gang that originated in Minseok’s home town of Guri. The gang has always been a thorn in his foot, but he never had any desire or need to extinguish until Yuta appeared. The younger is like a starving leopard, his blood lust evident on his face. The younger man pushed an envelope across the table.

“I think this will reopen our negotiations.” His smile grew into something similar to the Cheshire Cat. The elder grabbed the manila and opened it. He splayed it's contents across the table in front of him.

There were pictures. Five freshly printed photos of her. Of Sumi. Each one he could tell was from different times of the year. The first was from last year around summer time she hadn't been coming to the shop for long at that point. The next photo was of her leaving her apartment that following winter, then again in early spring. Each picture leading up to today. It was her exiting her car from her office’s private parking garage.

He was fuming. Minseok is usually good at controlling his anger but once you've pressed his buttons he sees red. And right now Yuta’s blood was the red he sought after. He wants nothing more than to spill his blood across his freshly cleaned table.

How dare he bring her into this? How dare he even consider threatening her? Bringing someone innocent into this. She's done nothing and means nothing to him. What could he possibly—How does he even know? Does he know?

Looking up from the pictures into Yuta's eyes, he gets all the answers he was looking for. Yes, he plans to use her against him. Yes, he will do anything to get what he wants, even harming her. And yes, he does know.....exactly who she is.

“Ahh, so you do know who she is.” Yuta drawls. “I was under the impression my men were following a useless lead.” He chuckles. “But seeing the look on your face shows me I should've put more resources into this much sooner.” Smirking he interlocks his fingers and places his hands under his chin.

“So, what do you say? You give me the outer cities. I already have Guri, what about I give you the girl and you give me Suwon and Ansan.”

“That's bold. Even for you.”

“Well, how much does she mean to you?” His face darkens. “Besides, Suwon isn't much worth to you, it sits on your outer boundaries. What would you really be giving up? A few hundred thousand won? Besides, Ansan is your baby, that where you keep your arsenal isn't it?” The glint in his eyes are starting to grow into a wildfire. “The girl means nothing to me. But she means a lot to you, Ansan and your trading ports mean a lot to me, and I can't just stand by and watch you forsake them. So I propose a trade—”

“Not happening” he counters. “What you're gonna do, is walk back out that door you came in, get in you car and drive home. The next time you set foot in my territory is the last time you walk.” His whole demeanour darkens. He can see it even rattles Yuta, not enough to scare him but enough to catch him off guard. “That girl is off limits. You wanna throw her into the mix then you can consider yourself cut off. No more deals, no more supplies. If you want so badly to be a solo independent organization then prove it. But you just bit the hand that feeds you, and I put those dogs down, not kick them out. If it's a war you want then that's what you get, but you're undermanned and if you think your equipped to handle something of this magnitude then you're dumber than I thought. Now get the fuck out of my coffee shop.”

With that the younger man stands and exits, just as confident, if not more so, than when he came in. This is what he wanted. He came to strike a nerve, and that he did. Minseok doesn't care if he put if heart on his sleeve or let his emotions show, it's how he's always been and it's how he'll continue to be. He's never backed down from a fight, and he's not going to now. Yuta's messes with the wrong boss today, and he's gonna out that brat in his place, then put him out of his misery.

He grabs the photos in the envelope and locks up the shop. He exits through the backdoor into the the cool night air. Picking up the buzzing phone from his pocket he swipes to answer. “Yeah. I know.” Is all he says into the receiver before hanging up. He doesn't let himself think about anything the whole 30 minute ride to his night club deep in the heart of Seoul. He cherishes the silence knowing that it'll be his last of the calm be the storm. He may not get this again till he's rid himself of Yuta. Or until Yuta get rid of him.

He pulls his car to the secret entrance at the back of his club. Jongdae is already waiting for him. He didn't need to look at his best friend to know the look he carried on his face. It was one mixed with concern and disappointment. Jongdae is his right hand man. Best friend since childhood. When they started in this business Minseok was the muscle and he was the brains. Where Minseok can be hot headed, Jongdae was always ten steps ahead and had contingency plans for his contingency plans. All jobs Jongdae headed were bound for success, if anyone could get him out of this mess it would be him.

“Before you say it, let's find the mole so I can blow off some steam.” Minseok entered the building, he could feel the bass vibrating through the walls.

“I already know who it is, but you're not getting his name. We need him, for now at least,” Jongdae said taking the lead and heading up a stairwell to the office.

“Jongdae—” Minseok wanted to say more but was cut off.

“Look Minnie the first course of action is contacting Kyungsoo. He needs to know.”

“He'll kill me.”

“Then we agree on something.”

Cont.

[surveyyyys]

1. Do you believe in ghosts or evil spirits? Would you be willing to spend a night alone in a house that is supposedly haunted? LOL see, I don’t believe in ghosts or evil spirits even a little bit. But I’m not about to be one of those dumb white girls in the horror movies LOL I’m staying as far away from haunted houses as I possibly can 

2. Do you prefer being around men or women? Are most of your closest friends male or female? What do you think makes male friends different from female friends? I definitely prefer being around women. A lot of my friends are girls, and I feel a lot safer around girls -- I think I can understand them a lot more, and girls just have their shit together, you know? I’ve never met a man who has as much of a focus on his future as most of the women I know do. I also really hate women who put down other women by saying that they’re “bitchy” or “complicated” or anything like that... it just makes it okay for men to say those things about us. 

3. Describe the most enjoyable dream you can remember having. What made it so amazing? What about the worse nightmare you have ever had? What made it so terrible? Unfortunately I don’t remember the happiest dream I ever had LOL. Maybe it’ll come to me later. I did have a dream that I was drugged, and being raped/sexually assaulted though. That was definitely the most terrifying dream I’ve ever had. 

4. How would you react if you found out, after marrying someone, that your mate had been involved in a relationship with someone of the same sex prior to meeting you? Would this change the way you felt about that person? Why or why not?

Definitely not! As long as they’re still attracted to women (ex. they’re bi, pan, etc.) and they still love me, I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all. I mean, I would be a little uncomfortable the way anyone is when it comes to talking about their husband’s ex... but I don’t think the gender/sexuality of the ex would have any effect on it. 

5. How forgiving are you when one of your friends lets you down? Do you believe that everyone deserves a second chance? I am one of the least forgiving people, especially when someone does something to really hurt me. Honestly, I don’t even expect that much from my friends or from the people around me -- just don’t be blatantly rude, and don’t screw me over. I believe that if you can find it in you to be rude or to screw me over the first time, you can (and most likely will) definitely do it again. 

6. Do you think that advice from an older person carries a special weight because of their greater experience? Do you, as a young person, feel that your comments and advice have much effect on others? LOL I don’t think so. I’ve met plenty of older people who don’t know shit about shit. I definitely think it’s a part of my culture to respect older people because of their age/experience, but you definitely don’t have to listen to their advice. In fact, the advice that I took from older people often led me down the wrong path instead of the right one. 

7. How do you picture your funeral? Is it important for you to have people mourn your death, or would you rather them celebrate your life? What would you like said, and whom would you like to speak? How do you want to be remembered? Indian funerals are kind of structured so that people celebrate your life more than mourn your loss. It’s really loud and colorful and people’s spirits are kind of lifted even though it’s definitely still a really sad time for everyone. I don’t really like thinking about my own funeral and I don’t really see a point of thinking about it, since I’m never going to be there to see it. I don’t care how people remember me after I’m gone, actually, because it won’t have any effect on my life. I just hope that the people I care about are happy and that I’ve been a positive influence on them somehow. 

8. When you make a big sacrifice, do you tell others about it or keep it to yourself? Do you feel annoyed when your sacrifices aren’t noticed by others?

Lmao I’d like to think that I don’t ever mention it. But I’d probably talk about it a lot (not to the person I made the sacrifice for, but to someone else who I can be shitty around and not feel bad about it... most likely my sister LOL). I think it is annoying when my sacrifices aren’t noticed by others, but I’m not about to go up to that person and be like “NOTICE MY SACRIFICE” you know what I mean?

9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? When you have children, is there anything you will try to do differently than your own parents did? 

Oh man. LOL. Honestly, I don’t blame my parents for raising us the way they did. They both grew up really poor and they were the youngest of huge families. So they really didn’t have any money or any resources. So when they had kids, they made sure that we could have any materialistic good we wanted, and we would never feel poor. But sometimes they would replace other kinds of support with money. Like my dad will buy me all the textbooks in the world, but he never really sat down with me and helped me with my homework. I can buy all the clothes I want, but I can’t wear shorts or tank tops in my house. My parents paid for my college tuition (which is amazing of them), but they essentially squashed my dreams of becoming a journalist and continue to try to push me into generic corporate finance roles to this day. I think when I’m a parent, I’ll give my kids more room to develop socially and a little more freedom to make their own decisions. I also won’t let any racism/homophobia get in the way of their love lives the way my parents’ racism/homophobia gets in the way of mine. 

10. Do you believe in any sort of God? If not, do you think you might still pray if you were in a life-threatening situation? 

Nope. LOL most of the time I forget that religion is a thing. Honestly, life would be a lot easier to handle if I did believe in God. 

11. If you became aware that, without a doubt, your mother was having an affair, what would you do? What if your father were to mention that he was going crazy thinking your mother was cheating? Would you tell him? 

LOL this situation is so unrealistic I don’t even know how to respond to it. My mom, no matter how little she admits it, is ridiculously devoted to my dad. She would never cheat on him. I think that if she cheated on my dad she would have a damn good reason... I don’t think I would tell him? I don’t know...

12. When was the last time you had really mind-boggling, intensely satisfying sex?

LOL. Last summer. I had just gotten out of my first relationship and I was sleeping with this guy that I met on Tinder. We had really good chemistry in bed, and I think he was the best I ever had. But also, he was one of the first people I slept with while I was single. I don’t think the sex would’ve seemed that good if I had sex with him today (after I’ve been with other guys and I’ve understood sex a little more). But because I was so new to the concept of having sex with whoever I want whenever I want, the sex seemed amazing. 

13. If you knew that your child was going to be born severely mentally handicapped and would die by the age of 5, would you have an abortion? Do you think that there is ever a situation in which aborting a child actually helps to avoid suffering? Absolutely. There is no way I’m putting myself or my child through an ordeal like that. I would not bring someone into this world if I knew that they would live a horrible and extremely short life. If I’m having a baby, they have to be a healthy baby or I’m getting an abortion and finding another way to have a child. 

14. Would you rather be very much in love with one person and have no other friends, or have a large group of supportive and loving friends, but never find your “soulmate”? Large group of supporting friends! People blow “soulmates” and relationships out of proportion all the time, but it’s really only one small piece of your life. There are so many ways to be completely whole and live a fulfilled life without romantic love. There are actually so many other forms of love too: familial love, maternal love, self-love, love of life, the love that you have for your best friends... you don’t have to be in love with someone to be happy. 

15. Is there anything that you find too personal to discuss with others? LOL a few different things. 

16. How old were you when you first had sex? Was it what you imagined it would be? Is there anything anyone could have told you that would have made it better? Do you think you would be better off if you had waited longer to have sex? 

I was 17 when I lost my virginity -- I think that was actually the perfect age. I think it was basically what I expected LOL. The first time was pretty unsuccessful, but then we tried again the next morning and it was pretty great. I don’t think I needed to know anything to make the experience any better... I was really comfortable with the person I lost my virginity to, and I knew a lot about the theory of sex from listening to my sister’s many hookup stories. 

17. Are you good at taking compliments, or do you usually shrug it off and act like you didn’t deserve the compliment? 

I think I’m good at taking compliments! I always say thank you and I try to pay a compliment back. 

18. Are you someone who enjoys sleeping snuggled up with your significant other, or do you need space when you sleep? Nah I don’t need space when I sleep. I like cuddling. 

19. Have you ever lucid dreamed? Would you like to, or does the thought of being able to control your dreams scare you? LOL I remember, back when my sister was in high school she was really interested in the concept of lucid dreaming. But whenever she would try to lucid dream, she would end up having sleep paralysis. It was a really scary experience for her, so she stopped trying to lucid dream. I think I would be more afraid of the sleep paralysis side effect rather than of actually lucid dreaming itself. I also just don’t find the experience enriching or interesting enough to put myself through sleep paralysis for it. 

20. If you were guaranteed honest responses to 3 questions, who would you question, and what would you ask? 

I think I would ask a future version of myself these 3 questions:

1. Where am I actually going to be in 10 years? (in terms of family, career, relationships, friendships, etc.)

2. Am I ever going to be happy/satisfied with who I am, and if so, when am I going to reach that level?

3. Was 2016 really the best year of my life, or is the best still yet to come? (I would not want to know when the best year of my life is going to be... I just want to know if it’s still in my future.)

[escapingtheconstrictingboxes]

Can i request an Elorcan “I cant believe you came here with me”? Thank you 🙏

Anytime, nonnie. 

I honestly haven’t been writing any short fanfictions because I’m working on two longish projects for Tumblr and then I’m also working on two other original short stories so writing anything else hasn’t really entered my mind. 

But thank you so much for sending me this prompt! It gave me an opportunity to get a short break from all my projects and focus on something else. 

I didn’t quite follow the prompt word for word, but I hope I meet your expectations. 

Word Count: 1.2k

Elide gave Manon, Asterin and Sorrel Blackbeak a polite thank you for giving her a chance at the job and left the office with a shuddering sigh. She stepped outside and looked at the bustling workers, shoving away thoughts of doubt as she straightened her pencil skirt and tugged at her plain white blouse. She stepped into the elevator, staring at her own reflection, sighing once more.

She had come here because the company was looking for a secretary for the CEOs of the Blackbeak company and she had applied. After a couple of interviews with people from Resources, the Blackbeak clan leaders had asked for an interview themselves. She had screamed with delight showing the email excitedly to Aelin and had received a proud grin in return.

The elevator dinged as it stopped at the bottom floor and she stepped outside, feeling her heartbeat pound as she looked around for Lorcan. He had offered to be her ride to the building and had offered to drive her back too. They’d been friends for almost a year now, meeting through Aelin and Rowan at a Christmas party. Aelin had tried to set her up with Lorcan but Elide had settled for friendship with him. But she’d be lying if she didn’t want him to be something much more. She’d even caught him staring at her multiple times and now it was just a matter of someone making the first move.

“ Elide!” Lorcan’s voice yelled. She turned around to see him in a black car that hadn’t been there when she had first come outside.

She walked over to his open window and said, “ Where did you go?”

“ Some asshole said I couldn’t wait outside of the building so I’ve been circling around the block,” he said casually.

Elide then walked around the car and slipped into the passenger seat. “ That’s terrible. How long have you been circling?”

“ Only around half an hour. Don’t worry about it,” he said casually as they rejoined the streets. “ So, how was the interview?”

“ It wasn’t too bad. The Blackbeak sisters are a little…cold,” she said hesitantly.

“ Bitchy?” he asked with a chuckle.

“…Yeah,” she admitted with a small smile. “ But they weren’t horrible. They were still nice and polite. I liked Asterin.”

“ You met Asterin?” he asked, looking over at her with wide eyes for a second before returning to the road.

“ Yeah, I met Asterin, Manon and Sorrel. Manon was the one to send me the email in the first place,” she said, looking over at him with a small frown. “ Why?”

“ Those are the top three women of the company, El!” he said with a small grin. “ You’re definitely going to get that job.”

“ You really think so?” she asked, a faint red blooming on her skin.

“ I can’t see why not,” he answered, smiling at her.

A few minutes passed in which she managed to get her heart under control as she said, “ You know, I can’t believe you came with me today.”

Lorcan frowned slightly and Elide’s heart plummeted. “ Why wouldn’t I?”

“ I don’t know,” she said quietly. “ You just seem so busy and all.”

“ Busy?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “ Busy with what?”

“ Well, I’m going to assume Maeve since she seems to be in every other sentence of yours, ” she muttered bitterly, glaring out the window. And it was true. Maeve was a childhood friend and had showed up at Lorcan’s tattoo shop with a large grin three weeks ago. Every time Elide had tried to meet up with Lorcan, he’d blown her off because he was so preoccupied with Maeve.

“ You do realise that Maeve and I haven’t seen each other for over a decade, right?” he asked, looking over at her with a slight glare.

“ That doesn’t mean that you can’t spend any time with me, does it?” she said, her voice growing louder.

“ She was my best friend, Elide!” he returned. “ How is it unfair of me to spend some time with someone I haven’t seen in fifteen fucking years?”

“ So the minute she shows up, you’re going to drop all your friends for her?” she asked, tears in her eyes.

“ I’m not dropping all my friends,” he answered, nearly growling at her. “ I’ve invited you over to have dinner with us three times but you always make up some ridiculous excuse.”

“ I don’t like her,” Elide replied. Maeve always looked and talked as if she was better than everyone around her. “ She’s not a good person, Lor.”

“ And what do you expect me to do? Just abandon her?”

“ You know that’s not what I’m asking you to do,” she said in a calmer voice. “ I just want to spend time with you like we always do.”

“ I came today, didn’t I?” he asked, voice softer.

“ Yeah, but that was only because I needed a ride. I want to hang out with you again.” Her voice had grown quieter as the anger left her.

Lorcan gave out a large sigh and once they stopped at a red signal, he looked over at her and said, “ I’m sorry, Elide. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

She gave him a little smile and said, “ I’ll forgive you once she leaves and you make it up to me.”

“ Well, she leaves in five days. And how about five dinners for the amount of times I cancelled on you?” he offered.

Elide nodded and smiled. “ It’s a date.”

There was a pause where she realised her exact words and she opened her mouth to apologise but nothing came out. Her face turned red and she looked pointedly ahead instead of Lorcan, afraid of his reaction.

“ I’d like to think that it’s several dates,” Lorcan said in quieter voice, amusement clear in his tone. Elide’s eyes widened and she looked over at him to find him already giving her a small shy smile. “ What do you say?”

I…yes,“ she said with a large smile while her blush stayed prominent. ” But what about Maeve?“ she then asked with a small frown.

” What about her?“ he asked as they turned into the street of her apartment building.

” You spent so much time with her I thought…“ she trailed off and looked away, wishing for the ground to swallow her whole.

” Were you jealous?“ Lorcan asked, the smile only growing on his face.

” No,“ she said indignantly.

” Well if you had been,“ he started, ” I would have told you that you mean a lot to me. More than Maeve.“ The car stopped as he pulled into an empty spot outside her building. The humming of the vehicle stopped as he looked over at her and Elide tried to formulate a response but no words were coming out. ” Elide?“ he asked with a smile.

She looked at him as she undid her seatbelt and reached over to him, holding his face in her hands. She pulled him in for a kiss and she could feel him smile against her lips as one of his hands found their way into her hair and the other rested at her waist. They pulled back and grinned at each other as their eyes met. ” You mean a lot to me too,“ she replied, biting one side of her lower lip. Lorcan only responded by pulling her into another kiss.

When Elide finally managed to get out of the car, she stood outside his window and said, ” I’ll see you later?“

Lorcan grinned at her. ” Definitely.“

[justauthoring]

It Wasn’t Real (part one)

Summary: You’re part of the infamous Loser’s Club, and often asked, what are you afraid of? You reply, nothing, but what your friends don’t know is that your biggest fear is them.

prologue - one - two - three - four - five - six - seven - eight - nine - ten - eleven - finale

A/N: So literally i was overwhelmed by the amount of love and support I got for this story. Once again THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I’m actually so excited to start this series and I have so many ideas bubbling around in my head, so please enjoy.

There’s something’s i need to make clear before we get started. The rest of the story (except for the first part) will happen four years after the events in IT Chapter One. I know that sounds weird but it will get better I promise! This is also sort of an AU mainly because IT will come back sooner than twenty-seven years, which doesn’t happen in the book. So it’s like based off the original story but isn’t at the same time?? It will all make sense! And there will be an Character x Reader ending, but i’ve closed down the poll as of now until we get further into the story! Right now, Richie is leading!

Anyways… I hope you all enjoy this story! Oh! And Henry hasn’t die in my story, as well as his father. Everything else is the same.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Send me a little comment in the ask section or leave it below on what you thought of this chapter. It doesn’t have to be long, I appreciate every single comment I receive and telling me just helps inspire me to write it more frequently.

Pairing: Loser’s Club x Reader, slight Henry x Reader (you’ll see)

Warnings: force, bullying, depressing and sad tones.

Tag’s List: @chalatea wanna be featured? message me letting me know!

It wasn’t real.

It seemed that maybe it was. When time passes, friends tend to forget each other. It was an unsaid thing. No friendships last forever, no matter hard you tried to make them. But something in you had always told you that when it came to the Loser’s Club that wasn’t true.

You’d been wrong.

Separated from those you called your family, everyone started drifting apart. Some of them still talked, like Eddie and Richie or Bill and Beverly, but in the end, no one really was as close as they use to.

It was almost as if they’d forgotten, stopped believing in what you all experienced. And you couldn’t understand why. Because while everyone was off moving on, forgetting, you only seemed to remember. You tried. Tried and fought and screamed and yelled for them, but it was like you were standing in the back, watching as their back turns. Watching Richie look away, watching Eddie follow or Bill turn and Beverly distance herself. You saw less and less of Mike, Ben never left the library and Stan… Stan wouldn’t even look at you.

Soon it was just you, just like IT had teased, and you were alone.

So, no, Bill, it was real.

Three Years Later…

You let out a breath of relief as the school bell rung, signalling the end of class. English class today in particular had been boring and repetitive, some idiot decided to back talk the teacher so the majority of the class was spent with Ms. Green lecturing you all. It would’ve been fine, had that not meant that your pile of homework had grown significantly larger in size.

Gathering your binder and books, you quickly stuffed them into your bag. Though when you looked up, you noticed that most of the students were already out and sighed. It meant the hallways were going to be cramped with people, and it was the end of the day.

Knowing it was inevitable either way, you slipped your backpack over your shoulders calmly and pulled the straps. “Have a nice weekend, Ms. Green.” You waved at your teacher. She may have just spent an hour yelling at you all and then the last half talking about what you had to catch up on, but she was nice when she wanted to be.

“You as well, Y/N.” She shortly replied, not sparring you a glance. You hesitated a moment, watching the way her eyes didn’t even move to say goodbye before sighing and making her way out the door. The hallway wasn’t as bad as you expected, which was a breath of relief. Quickly, you made your way down the hall, turned a right and low and behold there stood your locker.

Putting in the combination, you begin organizing what you’d need over the weekend and what you wouldn’t. Though, your moment of peace was quickly interrupted when the door of your locker was slammed to the side. You jumped, letting out a bewildered shock and turned to see who had so rudely disturbed you only to find a face you hadn’t wanted to see.

“Hey, babe.” Henry greeted, smiling down at you. Henry Bowers, the same Henry Bowers who use to bully you and your friends back in middle school. Of course, Henry confessed he doesn’t ever remember doing such a thing. I’d remember a pretty face like yours…

Refusing the urge to shiver, you sent a short smile at him; “Jesus, Henry. You nearly gave me a heart attack.” He only shrugged, as if he didn’t care. Smiling through the discomfort, you grabbed your locker door, moving it off of the next one and Henry wasted no time leaning against it.

Henry Bowers had been sent back two years, making him in the exact same grade as you, of course he was eighteen already. Though, that didn’t mean he acted any more mature. 

“So, you coming with us to the pit tonight?” Henry asked, looking lazily over at you. Setting your final textbook in your locker, you shut the door with a soft thud; “us?”

“Belch and me.” He clarified. You hated Belch, all he did was well… belch. And it disgusted you, but it seemed no matter what him and Henry stayed friends. At least some things were the same. “Oh, and I believe Amy will be joining us.” 

“Oh,” you mumbled. “I don’t think I wi-”

“Why not?” Henry interrupted, cutting whatever you’d been about to say off.

You shifted uncomfortably, taking a tentative step back when Henry straightened out. You should probably just go, Henry would back off if you did. But you really did not want to spend the night in some dingy corner of the town with belching Belch and bitchy Amy. “My mom… she wants me home tonight.”

“Your mom?” Henry laughed, as if that was the craziest thing you’d ever said. Leaning down, he didn’t ask when he grabbed your wrist; “your mom never wants you home. Come on, it’ll be fun.” Fun for you, you wanted to say, but knew better. Knowing nothing you could say would allow you to stay home, you let Henry drag you off into the direction of the school doors.

You zoned out whatever he’d been saying, loosing yourself in your mind. At least it was the weekend, you told yourself, after tonight you wouldn’t have to speak to anyone, let alone see anyone. Of course, two days only lasted so long… Weekends use to be filled with adventure back in middle school… of course you were a child then and so was everyone else… but, it had been an adventure.

“Agh…” 

Turning your head, you were pulled from your thoughts as a familiar head walked by. You could almost swear… Time seemed to freeze, as the person’s head floated before you, but then suddenly it was gone. Looking down, you heard the thud as their body smacked against the ground. 

“Watch where you’re going, freak.” Henry laughed, shoving his hand into Belch’s stomach in excitement. You hadn’t even noticed Belch join you…

Looking over at the body, you didn’t move as they slowly moved to their hands and knees. You of course, felt bad, put no part of you wanted to help them. You only stared with a lazy eye, your wrist still in Henry’s grasp. It was only when their head turned up to glare at your boyfriend did you feel an reaction flood through you.

“Eddie…” You whispered, gaining a strange reaction from Henry and Belch. Seeing their gaze, you moved to look away before your eye caught Eddie’s. There laid Eddie, the same Eddie you used to constantly worry over and mother, on his knees, blood pooling from his chin where he’d smacked it against the ground.

His eye met you, but you didn’t do anything. 

Soon he groaned in pain, Henry had kicked him. Henry leaned forward, towering over the boy; “stay down.” And before you knew it, the grasp on your wrist tugged and you were off.

You gripped your jacket sleeves with force, watching as your breath formed before you in the cool evening air. You hated walking home alone, especially at night. It was when you saw things, things that shouldn’t be there but were. But of course, Henry hadn’t wanted to walk you home, so that left only one other option.

You laughed out into the bitter air, when did Henry ever wanna walk you home?

It’d caused many fights before, back when you first started dating. You didn’t want to stay out that later (or go out at all) but of course Henry wanted to, so you did. You’d stay out all night, doing whatever dumb thing him and his friends could think off until the sun had set and you could no longer see past you clearly. You’d beg him to walk you home, but he’d only shove you away and continue hanging with his friends.

Though, you guessed the moment of peace gave you time to think. Think about whatever. It never really was the same.

You let your eyes wander above you, to the night sky, viewing the many stars as you walked the streets of your neighbourhood. You were close, thankfully. It was January, meaning a new year and christmas had just passed. That also meant many houses still had there christmas lights up, too lazy to take them down and you could view the bright colourful lights in peace.

It wasn’t often you saw so much colour in your life nowadays.

Your feet made a crunching noise as you stepped into the snow, a sound you loved very much. There was nothing but colourful lights, empty streets and mindful thoughts.

“Y/N…”

You could see your house now, just before you and that gave you motivation to quicken your step. 

“Y/N.” Gasping, you turned around at the voice. You weren’t sure what you’d expected, but you had expected something. Instead, all you found was nothing. Just the street you’d already walked on a million times and the darkened houses except for the bright christmas lights. Shaking your head, you turned back around. You must’ve been imagining it.

“Y/N.” Okay, that time you hadn’t. You were sure of it.

“Henry?” You called, turning around once again. “Henry is that you?” Of course, nothing. People didn’t really like to reply to you much these days. “Henry, I-I swear to god if this is a prank…” There was nothing there, but you were so sure you’d heard a voice.

“Y/N.” You spun, the voice now much closer behind you. Except when you turned around, there wasn’t anything there.

“Time to play.” You spun again, back around and for a moment you saw what you never thought you’d see again. IT. IT. It’s red fire-y hair and sinister smile. But the next time you blinked, it was gone. “Time to play, Y/N.” You instinctively took a step back as maniacal laughter filled your ears.

Bolting around, you took quick and loud steps to your house, not daring to peer back behind you. You scrambled for your keys, fumbling to get them out of your back but the minute you did, you unlocked your door and swung it open. You wasted no time slamming it behind you, falling to the ground before it as you let out a shaky breaths.

Holding your hand against your chest, you tried to even your breathing. You were never afraid, at least you hadn’t been. Your friends made you stronger and now where were they?

Panting, you let out a little whimper. The second you closed your eyes, IT appeared and you wasted no time in opening your eyes again. Taking a look around your dark and vacant house, you were pulled away from the events that had happened outside and back into reality. “Mom?” You called, “you home?”

You wandered into the kitchen, finding nothing. No note, nothing. She obviously wasn’t home, but it’d be nice if she could at least let you know. Sighing, you dropped your bag on the dining table, taking a seat on one of the chairs. You let your head lean on your hand, staring at the darkened room around you.

“What happened…?”

Part 2?

Let me know what you thought! I hope you all enjoyed!

[life-in-a-labrynth]

lolllll okay, NOW I’m ghosted.

We had a really good date, I thought, on Saturday (3 days ago). I picked up the tab, she offered to get it “next time”. I told her about this cool antique shop with old paintings and books (I didn’t hint at a second date; didn’t want to overplay my hand). Brunch ended, and she offered to wait with me for an Uber.

I asked if I could walk her home. I can’t remember why... I also can’t remember if she offered to wait with me before or after I asked her that. Does it matter?

Anyway, the Uber came up, and she said she had a lot of fun, smiling at me. I asked if she wanted to get together again and I think she said something to the effect of “Definitely”. We hugged (I asked her if I could hug her; can’t be too careful in covid times), and I left.

I texted her later to let her know that the antique shop is still open (I wasn’t sure, since a lot of businesses are going under). No reply.

Next day, I asked if she wanted to go to the shop for our third date. No reply.

Next day, I said “I guess that’s a no.” No reply.

Today, an hour and a half ago, I texted her “You know, it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want to see me again. But ghosting is really immature and demeaning. At least acknowledge me like I’m a person. Whatever. Bye.”

Third fucking person in a row. And the bitch of it is, I’m still not completely sure if she’s ghosting me. Something might have happened. In the past, she disappeared for a few days while we were texting. She had told me that she was bad with texting (I’m starting to think some people say this so they have an excuse to not text back).

So the first time she disappeared, I said “I know you said you aren’t the best at texting, so if you’re still interested in getting to know me, maybe it makes more sense for us to make a date. We can meet in real life, or v-chat, if that’s more comfortable. If you’re not interested, that’s okay too. No hard feelings.”

I didn’t expect to hear back from her, but then she texted a few days later saying “I’m so sorry! I had a seizure and was laid up in the hospital!” I asked if she was okay. She seemed very apologetic and appreciative that I was kind about it. Whoa. Revisit this later. [1]

So she said she’d love to meet in real life, but wouldn’t be able to for another week (she was out in Harrisburg so her parents could take care of her). She said she’d love to do a video chat in the mean time.

So we had one. It went well. She seemed enthusiastic about meeting up again.

Second date went very much the same way. Great chat, she smiled at me a lot, good convo, laughs.

And now... nothing.

Something here isn’t adding up. I’m wondering if she had another seizure (she told me that they’re exceedingly rare). But I also know she’s historically been flaky about texting me back. On the other hand, she got a new fancy iWatch, so she should know exactly when someone is texting her.

I’m honestly befuddled... maybe I’m giving into the temptation of anger and bitterness by assuming that she’s ghosting me. After all, she did have a legit medical affliction before, didn’t she? But even more, she’s been flaky: disappearing, canceling our first v-chat date at the last minute, and now this.

I have no idea. But what I meant to say with [1] is that, it’s interesting she should be so apologetic about having a medical condition. I mean... I guess I’d be the same way. I’d feel bad. But part of me, when writing that down, was tempted to think “what if she’s so nice that she’s spineless, and she’s uncomfortable with a really nice guy”? Meh, it’s possible, but I always seem to think that’s the case. I’m not feeling that here. Funny enough, she did say in her profile, something like, “it’ll work out if you’re kind.” Not that it necessarily means anything... people say one thing and feel a different way all the time.

Whatever. I don’t need to sit here and dwell on this. I was really stressed out. I HATE asking a person out and getting the cold shoulder. I know, I’m sensitive. But there’s just something kind of cruel about it. It’s not the worst that could happen (they could always insult and belittle me for asking), but it’s just a really bitchy thing to do.

Like I said before... IT’S JUST ONE TEXT. One quick, easy, 10-second-to-write-and-send text that says “Hey, thanks, you’re really nice, but I’m not feeling it. Nice meeting you.” IS THAT SO HARD?? I know some guys don’t take it well, but it’s not like ghosting is any better. At least when you give some reply, you’re giving the guy the benefit of the doubt to not be a jerk about it.

Like, if you’re afraid a guy’s going to be an asshole.. HE’S GOING TO BE AN ASSHOLE EITHER WAY! Whether you tell him you’re aren’t interested or ghost him. Ghosting is not a strategy that helps in any way. It’s just an opportunity to write a person off as an inconvenience, and not a person who wants to at least be acknowledged.

What if she’s trying to put me on hold? Like, she isn’t sure, or there’s another guy that she wants to see if things will pan out, and this is her way of setting me aside, and if she wants to try again, she’ll come up with some kind of plausible deniability (omg I’m sorry! My phone was acting up! omg sorry! I had another seizure!).

Okay, that’s paranoid. I don’t think she was lying about having a seizure. Really, I don’t. I just can’t figure out what her game is. She insisted she isn’t the type to play games. I’m starting to think she really has a legit reason to have not texted me back.

I don’t know. I’m really annoyed because she’s unreliable, and if she DOES have a legit reason, I’m going to feel bad, because me being annoyed is just me putting myself at the center of the universe, and not considering her situation.

On the other hand, this is the THIRD FUCKING TIME IN A ROW I’VE BEEN GHOSTED. Is she ghosting me? I don’t know, what do YOU think, Dan?

Gah. I’m just torn. I feel like maybe I’m only feeling like I’m getting ghosted again because I’m bitter about it. She really doesn’t seem like the type. I want to believe her. But I just don’t know.

I need to stop. I told myself I’d stop dwelling on this. Sigh. Okay, time to get moving.