#after i shared w him that im scared i overshare

[soggypotatoes]

also he analysed a ridiculous dream i had so ruthlessly, just read my whole soul, and he told me today he had a dream that i turned up at his house w my bags packed ready to move in and he was like ‘ok!! thisll be fun’ and now im so anxious about what this means omg i want to ask him but the conversation moved on after that..... i want to know what he thinks it means bc im worried that im like, overstepping boundaries or pushing into him too much by messaging so often, hes said a few times he doesnt mind and told me ‘not many people have the green light to talk to me but you do’ he said it with a lot of sincerity IDK WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS LOL

and hes just not the kind of person im used to navigating, i need different software lol idk how this relationship works

i guess thats the thing about bonding with people in rehab... it’s like, a weird dynamic! but it can be so good!!!! i just don’t know how to go about it, should i message him less?? more???? i’m watching for his responses to tell me but im not SURE

i just wanna keep messaging him weird questions and shit i love talking to this guy!!!!!!!!

[charmingpplincardigans]

hideyseek replied to your post

“I went into therapy today fully expecting to spend most of it as an...”

hello! idk (sorry if this is being Nosy And Bad) but if you might be willing to share some of the methods you're using to combat that? these are feelings that i have ab relationships also and idk im not v good at dealing w/ them rn

Hokay! So I’ve been thinking about this, because I feel like I have to do a lot of mental and emotional work to keep ahead of myself in this department*, but really all that I keep coming back to is openness and honesty. Every morning I wake up and remind myself that, bare minimum, I just have to take deep breaths and show up. Then I make myself do it. Some days it’s easier than others.

(*This is the Not Letting Myself Run Away From Otherwise Healthy Relationships Even Though Everything In Me Is Screaming To For Not Good Or Healthy Reasons department for those who missed it.)

The ‘all’ there is not meant to imply that openness and honesty are easy. They are frequently not easy things for me one on one. None of you reading this, my overshare of a Tumblr, will believe that, but it’s very different to tell the void about the things that scare you than it is to tell a real human who might want to kiss your face. Like, I’m not going to lose anything if the void decides it doesn’t want to kiss my face after all, you know? (Look, there are just a lot of you, no one has that kind of time. ♥)

And it’s not that I want to be dishonest, it’s just that I spent so much of my last relationship (all thirteen years of it) not saying things, so it’s become a habit that I have to actively work to break. In my life in general and in that relationship specifically I have sometimes been penalized for my excitement, for my interests, and for the writing or art I want to do which other people do not find important enough. So I sort of started to stuff a lot of that away, and then that bled into everything else. I became afraid to say perfectly human things, to share my feelings, even the positive ones, for fear that they’d be read as too much and scare the other person off. There toward the end I could be lying in bed next to him wanting to touch him, but physically incapable of moving to do it. There was just an invisible wall there. I had become fearful of even the things we both wanted, afraid that I was just too bad or wrong to be desired.

So, that’s sort of what I’m working with and against here and in this instance I’ve mostly just been talking too much to counteract that terror. I’ve made myself have frank discussions about the things I’m most afraid to bring up: my fears, sex stuff, things in my past that have Made Me A Basket Case, etc. I find it both easier and harder to have these conversations. It’s hard while I’m having them. Sometimes my hands shake or I take too long to answer. But it’s also easier to have those things out of the way, to not be sitting here in a big ball of anxiety over how my fears and worries are going to manifest and ruin everything. Because like, she knows now that I have these fears and worries, and I’ve made it so that they’re not off limits to discuss. They’re just there, terrifyingly available for access and able to be built upon as we move forward. Because here’s the thing, I’m not going to magically excise my fear and wake up perfect and easy to know. It has taken me at least five years and a lot of work to even get this far. I can try to become the best version of myself possible, but becoming takes time, time which will be easier to go through with someone who understands in my corner. 

My therapist asked me what it was I was afraid of most and honestly, it always comes back to my fear that I’m going to hurt the other person with my carelessness or general me-ness. I’m just so terrified of becoming a thing that happens to other people. I don’t want to negatively affect them so my default state is to try to blend into the background and not make any impression on them whatsoever. Which, as you might imagine, makes for bad relationship management both romantically and platonically! It’s hard to build connections if you’re only willing to give part of yourself away, but it’s hard to give all of yourself away if you’re afraid you’re a gift no one wants, and THAT’S just a mobius strip of awful I’ve spent my whole life trying to cut up.

Since I’m not going to magically wake up as a perfect human and neither are you, here are some action bullets:

Practice taking up space, both mental and physical. This person is trying to have a relationship with you because they want you there, so be there. We’re long distance, so I do this by trying to message her first at least as many times as she messages me first, which I know sounds very ‘well duh’ but like, when you’re afraid of being in the way it’s a hard thing to do. It’s hard for me to do, but I never regret it.

Remember that space goes both ways. Let them know how you’re feeling, but also ask how they’re feeling. It’s totally fine to message or speak with the person and say ‘hey, I’m struggling today and won’t be a fun chat, but I just wanted to say hi and see how your day was.’ That will sometimes take some hard emotional work to make space in your otherwise full mental load, but you want this relationship because you want this person in your space, so you have to make them feel welcome in it.

Be clear about your love language. (Ie, things you need from a relationship, things you want from a relationship, and things you do not want from a relationship.)  We all want different things from relationships and the thing that ate away at my last relationship was that we were trying to give each other what we ourselves wanted and then becoming put out when the other person didn’t accept it with an open heart. I mean, we were also a little bit trying to give the other person what they might have wanted ten years ago and then being put out when they weren’t grateful that we remembered, but people change. Which I guess brings me to....

Allow for and foster growth in yourself and in them. People are not stagnate beings. We’re all in flux all the time as we learn things about ourselves and the world. Be excited to learn new things about the other person and try not to let any one version of them calcify in your mind. 

Be as open as you’re comfortable being. There will always be things you don’t want to share with another person. None of us are perfect. None of us are without fear. None of us have lived a blame free life. But while it’s tempting to think you can save the other person from those pieces of yourself by hiding them away, that’s not usually how it plays out. The things you guard and fear are just as much a part of you as the things you share and they will affect the way you live, which will affect the other person. I’m not saying you have to share your memoir on the third date, just be aware of how you are living in your surroundings and if the other person still feels comfortable in your space.

Most of all, try to be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself and show yourself the grace you would show others. if you can do this for yourself it will become easier to let others do it for you as well. I’m very bad at this, but I’m getting better. Life is hard enough, you know? Let people love you, even if you’re having trouble loving yourself. Especially if you’re having trouble loving yourself. 

Uh, in typical me fashion that was a lot and might not be helpful at all! But it is what I’ve been doing. Just taking deep breaths and showing up as much as I can. I’m never going to be perfect. I’m never going to have no fears or shake off my past. If I try and wait for any of that I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be. So. Take deep breaths and show up. Once you do that anything can happen.