#after wednesday I should be able to get back into writing and end my hiatus too

[obey-me-disaster]

Bro..... nici nam vazut acel fanfic acu am un attention span de cinci secunde si memorie de patru deci daca lam citit si am uitat asta e, also noroc cu bacu :)

Am uitat sa raspund la mesajul asta pentru un timp si dupa mi-am zis 'hai sa astept pana vine BAC-ul'

Mersi si sper sa fie bine 💀

[canonicallyobserving911]

Seven Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

FANON speculation for season 7

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!” 

Chapter 10 will be posted soon.

I’m excited to finish writing Chapter 10 because a lot is happening and there's still more to come. At the end of Chapter 9, Buck and Eddie were trying to cope with everything that happened during and after Jonah's criminal trial. At the end of day two, Buck had a major panic attack, he asked Eddie to get him out of the courthouse and Eddie drove them home instead of taking Buck back to the loft. Then Buck scheduled an emergency therapy appointment with Dr. Copeland and later that night, after Chris and Buck were already asleep, Eddie spent time trying to decide if he should make an emergency appointment with Frank instead of scheduling one with his new therapist, Dr. Theresa because Frank's a trauma therapist and she's not. He was strongly considering it since both him and Buck were faced yet again with additional ramifications from the shooting.

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As a continuation of my WIP Wednesday, here’s a little more of Buck’s conversation with Rhett and Eddie’s conversation with Bertie.

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Buck

“Now… if you swipe to the left, I think… well it’s either left or right who knows with all this new fandangle technology… you’ll see a picture of me and my husband.”

Buck swipes left in the photos app and he sees Rhett in a photo with a very handsome man.  If he didn’t know any better, he’d think it was a picture of him and Eddie because the man in the picture standing next to Rhett has dark hair, brown eyes and olive skin just like Eddie.

“You have a beautiful family.”  Buck says as he hands Rhett’s phone back to him.

“Yeah, we did.  Me and Ray…”  Rhett chuckles then continues.  “His real name was Raymundo but after he left his parents’ house, he wouldn’t let anyone call him that anymore.  We didn’t get married until nine years ago but by that time… we’d already been together for more than forty years.  Even though we didn’t need a piece of paper to tell us how much we loved each other, we wanted it… so we had a small wedding in our backyard with our son and his family.  Getting married also allowed me to change my last name from Quinn to Dominquez… it’s on our marriage license and it’s still hanging up in our home today.  I looked at it before I left to come here.”

Buck’s hit with another realization because he knows he’s been wanting to marry Eddie for years but he’s still not sure Eddie wants him so he tucks the little hope he has back into the corner of his heart.

“You didn’t want to keep your last name?”

“No, I didn’t because the last name Quinn didn’t hold anything but hurt and pain for me.  I grew up in an ok family but my parents weren’t ready to be a mom and a dad and I suppose, it affected how emotionally detached they were.  I don’t blame them for it anymore but finally being able to take my husband’s last name after 40 years of us being together was the best because me, him and our son all had the same last name.”

Buck nods his head because the last name Buckley certainly doesn’t mean shit to him anymore.  That’s Phillip’s last name not his and he’s been trying to figure out what he should change it to.  Diaz has a nice ring to it but he’d have to marry Eddie first for that to happen and since he hasn’t told him how he feels, he doesn’t think it ever will.

Where is Buck?  Also, who is Rhett and why is he telling Buck about his life?

_____

Eddie

After they leave the hospital and they get back inside of the ambulance, it only takes Bertie a few seconds to mention something about Loni.

She closes the driver’s side door, looks at Eddie then says, “She lives on the outskirts of Los Angeles and if anything ever happens to the solitary road that leads to her house, no one will be able to get to her”.

He shrugs his shoulders then says, “Well… she said she likes living out there and she likes the peace and quiet”.

“Yeah, she did say that and she also said the reason why she did it was because she figured she wouldn’t find love again.  So, maybe her decision to live all the way out in an area of Los Angeles that resembles ‘Death Valley’ wasn’t completely about her desire to live in peace and quiet.”

She turns her head to crank the ambulance, then she looks over at Eddie again.  “Some people choose to be alone while others feel like it’s their only option.  Neither choice is wrong but if someone doesn’t want to die alone, they don’t have to”.

Almost immediately after the words leave Bertie’s lips, Eddie feels like someone is screaming at him even though he’ll never admit it’s the universe.  Over the last few days, several people have told him things that remind him of that Geoffrey Chaucer quote, “Time and tide wait for no man” and he realizes he might be running out of time to have a conversation with Buck.

Who is Bertie?  Why is Eddie partnered with her and will he listen to the things she's saying?

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 -Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 -After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are part of the foundation when a couple builds a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - Will be posted soon.

__________

I’m enjoying writing this fic because it’s giving me the chance to unravel the mess that was the 6x18 ending for Buck, Eddie and Chris.  Also, it’s taking them places the show refuses to go including Buck finally having a mental breakdown and Eddie being there for him the same way he was there for Eddie in season 5.

Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading

Read chapters 1 - 9 are already available on AO3.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

The Novoselic Revolution: Post Arc Discussion.

//For those who are confused about the existance of this post in particular, sit tight and let me explain.

//This post doubles as an important announcement in regards to my upload schedule. Stay tuned to find out more.

//This might be something that I’m going to make a habit of in the future. I’ve decided that from here on out, once I finish a story arc, I’m going to have a quick post debriefing and going over all of the important points, or at least the one’s that I consider important, and giving my personal thoughts and feelings on them as the mod and writer of this ask blog and it’s story.

//Firstly though, here’s the important info.

//One or two of you may have caught that short post about me going on hiatus before I deleted it. If you did...then just ignore it. I won’t be making any posts tonight, other than the story one from earlier and this one, but there is a reason for this decision.

//As I mentioned to one anon in a previous post, I’m usually pretty unbusy, as I only go to college on three days a week, being Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

//Tuesdays are long days for me, so from now on, you won’t be seeing any uploads on Tuesday’s. Since I’m from England, I don’t know what that would be Pacific Standard time, but at least you know now.

//Moving on, like I said, you’ll be seeing these posts at the end of each arc. Certain topics will be covered here in regards to plot points and characters of the arc, and how I personally feel like I executed them in the end.

//I’m the type of writer who can be critical of my own writing. That is something I find to be a good thing.

//Moving on, let’s get started.

Bringing a conclusion to unfinished plot-points:

Angie is the “main antagonist” of this arc, and as a character on her own, she’s someone who I’ve never exactly been fond of. Her actions during the killing game, as well as just how she portrays herself, I liked at first, but then slowly but surely got less interested in as time went on.

Her inclusion as a character in this series, not just as a “villain” but in general, was pretty important. Angie suffers from the curse of being a Chapter 3 victim who was going through an arc, that her death cuts short. Though her motivations for doing what she did in the killing game are slightly different here, I still felt like giving her a central role in this arc would be a good way to round up that conflict, as well as being able to redeem herself in the end after it’s revealed that she fell victim to a brainwashing not unlike her own. Tenko and Himiko play a pretty big role in her arc as well, particularly Tenko in that one scene where Angie confesses that Tenko’s feelings of immense deteste towards her do not go unrequited. In the end, Tenko and Angie are able to make peace, but it’s not that easy for two people who have spited each other for such a long time to just make up on the spot, so they accept each other, but only just.

Similarly, I wanted to try and bring an end to the conflict of Game 2 Case 3. I know how many of us feel about that case, but that is another case where one of the two victims (Hiyoko in this case) gets her arc cut short. We never ever see Mikan, Hiyoko or even Ibuki apologize and come to terms with each other, even after all they’ve been through. My headcanon that I implemented into this series is Hiyoko doesn’t stop bullying Mikan and spites her for her actions, and Shuichi and Mikan are cleverly able to use this to execute the Double Agent plan. This plan, when it’s revealed, makes Hiyoko stop and reconsider things that she’s said to Mikan, and she tries to do her best to apologize and be a better person towards the poor nurse. Even if her apology was clumsy, Mikan is still forgiving, because that’s just how she is.

Double-Agent Mikan:

This was a “sub-plot” that was really fun to write. As a writer, particularly one who writes DR stories like this one, I find it to be particularly enjoying to play with the emotions of the followers.

Mikan’s “betrayal” was one I figured would hit pretty hard, and the fact that she somehow reverted back to being a remnant would hopefully shock everyone. I tried so hard to sell it too, even going as far as to make it seem like she murdered Tenko on Angie’s behalf.

Of course, in the end, Mikan ends up being a double agent, with the only other person knowing this being Shuichi. On which note, despite how I tried to sell it, I also gave as many minor hints as possible that things weren’t what they seemed. The main one was Shuichi’s behavior after Mikan was outed as a spy for Angie. I made him savage and rude, much unlike the actual Shuichi, to give everyone the impression that things weren’t right. He acts this way, for clarification, to sell to the others that Mikan wasn’t on their side, even though in any other situation, he’d probably choose to believe her.

Also, I wanted Mikan to be badass. For those who forgot, she still has that wound from when Mikihiko shot her with a crossbow arrow.

Tsumioda Side-Story:

My biggest concern with this one was how it was almost shoehorned into the story...Well, not almost, it WAS shoehorned in, but I wanted it to be a conclusion to Mikan’s character arc in this story and in the story as a whole.

For those who are curious too, Mikan will have that highlight and be bandageless for the rest of the series.

Mikihiko Koyasunaga:

As I already mentioned in a previous ask, Mikihiko is my favourite villain that has been revealed thus far. He is a snide, manipulative, cowardly, disgusting, creepy, psychopathic monster, despite his innocent appearance.

His role in the story isn’t over yet. While the previous arc’s villan, being Haiji, was relieved of any chance of a second coming thanks to a certain sword-weilding animator, Mikihiko’s got big roles to play and big shoes to fill as one of the more important members of the Zetsubou Foundation.

In the end, the way he turned out was almost like Kokichi if Kokichi was sort of the reverse. While Kokichi actually has strong, heroic morals, but lies about them and pretends to be evil, Mikihiko lies about having conviction, beliefs and heroic ideals, when in reality, he is just plain nasty, and wants nothing more than to see everyone around him, friend or foe, to suffer.

His backstory as briefly mentioned here, is his reason why he has no faith or praise for humanity, and only ever finds solace in his puppets. Despite owing a lot to Zetsubou, Mikihiko doesn’t even trust his peers. To him, if you’re alive, you should suffer, and he’s always gonna hit you where it hurts. He’ll torture you, kill you, or worse, if it means you’ll feel the worst kind of suffering you can...

...and he will get off on watching your pained face.

The Conclusion:

This is the part I’m most worried about. There’s not a lot I can say about the arcs ending as a whole.

I managed to get everything I wanted wrapped up in the end, with apologies, proposals, and so much more. This arc is not my favorite out of all the one’s I’ve wrote so far, but it’s up there. In the end, how I feel about it doesn’t matter, it’s all down to you all and your opinions.

//Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. It would really mean a lot to me if you’d take my thoughts to heart, and keep asking the gang any questions that you want. I’ll do my absolute best to answer them, so I’ll see you again in the near future.

-Mod

[fastest-hedgy-sonic]

Quality of life update

{{It’s almost time for my vacation. I only have 5 hours of sleep left before I’m going to the airport but I had to make this update first.}}

{{My current game-plan for replying to threads more consistently:

For those who stuck with me for more than a few months/years may have noticed that I haven’t been the most consistent with my threads. Sometimes I’ll reply to a thread immediately and other times I tend to go overboard and reply over a month or two later without any IRL update. I’ve said this a million times already and I’ll say it again. I’m really sorry! I think my issue is that I’m not making enough time to RP in general, causing me having those sudden writersblocks and silent hiatusses. But now it’s gonna change. I’ve finally got myself a better way about doing this more properly. So here are the 3 important changes you’ll see from me after I return from my vacation. NOTE: The following changes might change again overtime.

For starters, I’m gonna give myself a thread limit. I know this might seem bad for some people but I figured that having way too many threads at once can put me into a stressful situation, making me worry to which thread I should continue with or how fast I’m supposed to reply, etc. So from now on I’m capping my thread limit at 10 threads. It’s small but it’s better for my concentration. 

Second and probably equally as the previous change, I’m gonna schedule ALL my threads to be posted 7 days per 2 weeks. Meaning that every two weeks my threads will be posted throughout the week. So for a week you’ll see a thread or two pop up on Monday then Tuesday then Wednesday, etc for an entire week. Then two weeks later the process will repeat itself. And that’s gonna happen every two weeks unless I’m going on a hiatus. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m online every two weeks.

And that brings us to the final change. I’m only gonna be online on the weekends for cracks, shitposts and other shenanigans. I used to try to go online every single day but that just butcher my sleeping schedule overall. Because of that I tend to go to sleep at around 4 to 5 am and I can definitely say this from experience. Don’t do what I did. EVER. It WILL burn you out and you will LOSE your writing skills. Trust me. It’s not pleasant. Even if you live in another country and the timezones between you and your RP partners are very different, DON’T DO IT!

One last thing. I said last time that I was gonna try to finish all my threads before I go on vacation. Weeeell... I failed. I was only able to finish 6 out of 10. So the following replies will be automatically uploaded during my vacation in that specific order:

@coldheartbeauty @leaderisms @mask-0f-rebelli0n @champanache @waterxstarlight and finally @xochimili NOTE: To the people that recently made a starter/reply for me but were not listed in this, I can’t thank you enough. But you’ll have to wait until I get back from my vacation. But thank you so much for your patience! 

WHEW! And that’s all for my quality of life update! Now it’s time for me to sleep. I know it’s a lot to take in but I really needed to make this change for myself to become a better RP partner in general. To all of you who made it to the end of this post, thank you all for reading and understanding! Anyways. It’s time for me to leave. I’ll see you all next time!

「“Cᴀᴛᴄʜ ʏᴀ ʟᴀᴛᴇʀ!”」

[noble-pro]

Berlin Marathon Training Diary – 20 days to go by Marcus Brown

The Berlin marathon is in 20 days or… • 1,728,000 seconds • 28,800 minutes • 480 hours • 2 weeks and 6 days The last few weeks I’ve have had some health concerns, that have taken precedent hence the blog writing hiatus. This is a summary of my training, as I work towards the Berlin Marathon targeting a sub 3 hour marathon. This article focuses on my two workouts this week. Workout sessions: Below is the workout rational from Coach John and my feedback post run. Wednesday: • Warm up • 10x5min on & 3min off • Cool down Coach John: High-density workout with 10 reps over 5 minutes. The reps will be around 10mile race effort, with the idea being to make the weekend’s MP run feel easier and giving a good amount of work, over longish reps.

Marcus: A rainy day on the track. It was good to run this workout by feel. Whilst not my fastest run, I was hovering around six & half minute pace mark, but it felt good to be running considering the weeks before. Sunday: • 2 miles warm up • 14 miles @ 6’50min/mile avg. • 2 miles cool down Coach John: Simple enough 14 miles at MP. With the warm up and cool down this will be 18 miles, which is plenty 3 weeks out from race day. At this stage, 14 miles at MP should feel comfortable enough, however, the medical issues Marcus’ had have affected his training. Hopefully, after today’s workout (Sunday) it looks like he’s back on track. This will give us a good idea about how he’s going now. Marcus: Life challenges over the last few weeks, have impacted my training, when your heads not in it, it’s harder to push when you need to. I needed a new perspective so I got in my car and drove to a new area to run in. Whilst training is about earning that sub 3, it should also be an adventure.

I found that running in a new area I was more immersed in the run and actually ran faster than the target pace, completing the run in 6’43min/mile avg. However looking at the splits I’d like to try and run more evenly/disciplined (when in Berlin). I’d get into a stride, then back off, and kept repeating it.

Mindset training: I’m working with Duncan a sports performance mindset coach, and his weekly advice was about preparing your mental plan to start and finish your race. Wherever your race is – in this instance, Berlin – do some research on the start and the finish. See photographs of these moments and begin to build these images up in your mind. Try to imagine what you are seeing, hearing, feeling. What are you smelling, tasting? Visualising it brings an element of reality to your upcoming race. If you are able to, close your eyes and picture the start, picture your wave and how you want to begin the race. Will you be caught up in the nervous/excited energy that sends people out too fast? Will you stick to your pace? How will you feel crossing that start line knowing all the time you have put in to be there? If you can’t see it yet, draw it, and describe it in as much detail written down. Now close your eyes and have somebody read your own words back to you. Do the same for the finish. This could be the last 100m, 400m, mile, 2 miles – whatever you want to do. How do you want to feel in this moment? What will you see and hear? In Berlin you can hear the crowd from a-ways away from the finishing straight – how will you react? As you approach the finish, soak it all in. All the time and effort put into training for these moments on race day. Race day is there to be enjoyed. Again, drawing it and describing it then having somebody read it to you helps to strengthen YOUR mental image. In previous weeks, we’ve prepared for the time in between the start and the finish. It’s important to prepare for these moments too, and this prep can add to your confidence going into the race. Marcus: Taking on board Duncan’s advice I’ve previously drawn, pictured and visualise the end of the race. Fortunately I’ve run the Berlin marathon previously so I have the added real life memories to add to this process. Regular visualisation is a vital part of the process, from seeing the great moments, and to overcoming the challenges. I even do it whilst I’m running. But I will be getting someone to read my own words back to me. As I think that’s a really powerful way to reinforce my goals and visualisation process. Lastly… I’m honoured to be a nominee for the 2019 Men’s Health/Runners World @letsdothis.com_ Challenge Awards for Most Inspiring Male. Thank you to the people that nominated and those that have already voted for me. There’s a ton of worthy contestants, including professional athletes. So for me being nominated is a win. I never set out to inspire anyone. Coming from a 4:55 marathoner, I wanted to prove to myself that this wasn’t my limit. I set a very ambitious goal to run a sub 3 marathon, despite my results and the doubters saying otherwise. In the process, I make mistakes, have wanted to and have quit. I find it challenging to spin all the plates juggling family, work and training. No one achieves goals alone, my family and my coach John have helped me go from a 4:55 to a 3:05 marathoner. Please click this link and cast your vote. Voting ends September 15 2019.

Read the full article

[vacationcalendar]

7/19/21

Alright bitch, welcome back. Holy shit I make sitting down to blog look fucking impossible don’t I. Alright alright, let’s keep it pg-13 if we can..

I set an alarm for 10am to go off every day that just says BLOG TIME. I’d preferably like to get banging out words onto the page a little bit BEFORE that. It’s a powerful “awakening” activity in my experience, and I should be using that to my advantage. I also want to take as much time as I can on this project, especially if it’s psuedo-replacing a 40hr/week job. The earlier I get started the less I have to worry about what time it is when I’m done. My procrastination on day 2 has cost me the entirety of a sunny day. Well, it’s 2:30 now; so I imagine by the time I wrap this up I’ll have missed peek sun time. But who’s to say?

I’m starting to get that sense of dread again. That feeling I sometimes get when I can see hard plans lining my calendar far too densely populated for my liking. Big dentist appointment tomorrow. Day after that is a wash as far as I’m concerned. Even if my mouth miraculously heals in time to actually enjoy my Wednesday, I can already guarantee the psychic wounds of enduring an hours long, 600$-ish sit under the drill will take at least a couple extended sets of the fitful rest to recover from. Then I leave on Thursday to begin a full weeklong family vacation. And in that week I’ll have to figure out how to keep fucking blogging, or this thing is gonna stall out on the train tracks 100%. Do I have to explain that to you? I mean you get it; you know I’m right about that. I’m a naturally cowardly, sinful guy. I have to build up inertia on any remotely dutiful or healthy task, or I simply cannot keep it up...

So the next 3 days are all going to test my ability to actually sit here and write something. I’m really not going to want to, even though I want for literally nothing else right now. The only thing I want to do more than this creative process is to simply not exist at all. And it’s all compounded by these blasted plans. Fuck these plans. These are the dastardly plans that just cannot get canceled. They’re too high impact, and “good”(?). So then the fact that these blogs are also a “plan” just piles it up too high for me seemingly. It is quite clearly, objectively, not too much to handle. But I cannot help the fact that I feel claustrophobic. I just do. The strategy can’t be to NOT feel that way, it can’t be preventative. It has to deal with the feeling somehow. Hmmm... it’s tricky. To me, in this moment, as I’m typing this, it feels tricky. I honestly think that by the time I’m finished typing here, it WON’T feel so tricky. I’m certainly hoping that’s the case. 

Ok new track: Part of why I procrastinated so long today was pretty simple. I was hungover. I was hungover and I didn’t know what to talk about. Instead of going to be thinking about my usual faire, I was just thinking I feel like shit; I hope I don’t throw up. So I woke up late, slow, and with zero thoughts bouncing around my head. So I just watched LCS footage and read twitter, and by the time I got up and made coffee (mandatory for the blog. Blogging without coffee sounds insane. What would you ponderously sip between sentences? Water? How would that even work?) and sat down to write, I had squeezed out another full hour of procrastination. Now I won’t be hungover again for a while. This was a special occasion of sorts. Another one of my dreaded “plans.” Fuck’s sake. It was a 2nd meet up of Olivia’s peeps for drinks. It was penciled in after the first hang so that we could include everybody that didn’t make it the first time. Perfectly reasonable idea. And the first time sitting and drinking was so much fun that I sort of figured I was obligated to, pay my dues I suppose, for this second meet-up that sounded significantly less fun. But it was perfectly enjoyable. It had the energy of a hangout that could happen every single week like a sitcom. Very easy, probably more drinking than one could maintain if it were a weekly occurrence, but not too much. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just record keeping, I guess?

Anyways, this morning was not the le morning that I can usually anticipate. So circumstances withstanding PLUS the procrastination ended up pushing the writing well past 3pm. These next 3 days (and the next 8 days after that, holy shit) are also going to mesh quite poorly with this sloppy, laissez-faire approach to getting this done. So I’m worried about it. Look, I want to do this, but I absolutely don’t want to have to worry about it. Is that asking too much? And obviously I can do this without worrying about it, in theory.  But I do not believe in myself, ok? I don’t. I’m telling you that right now. I want to cancel everything and just do this when I fucking get around to it. And, well; here’s the kicker. I didn’t mention this yet, and I probably should have. Once I get back from this GD vacation, my hiatus between jobs will officially be past a full month. I can hear the timer ticking in my head. I am in charge of how much sand I put in this particular hourglass. My mother will fully disagree with me there. I mean, I’m about to spend 8 days with someone who ask me every single day “so have you gotten your new job yet?”

You’re thinking, ‘Max, it’s not just impractical to ask a question with such a clear answer more than once without waiting for any circumstances to change, it flat out does not make any sense at all!’ I agree. We are on the exact same page guy. But you are missing the fact that “it doesn’t hurt to think about it. And maybe you can look online on your phone while you’re here trying to enjoy a vacation.”

Parents are weird. This feeling I’m describing is so relatable to some people. And other people just can’t parse it at all. There are a tiny handful of people in your life that will exist in totality literally forever. I mean one of you will die first, but for that person who died, the other people existed THE ENTIRE TIME. Minus like pre-birth and stuff, but that’s semantics. They are inevitable. They can travel all over the spectrum of human emotion vis-a-vi your relationship, but 99.9% of the grades will result in your staying completely still in your relationship to them. He sucks, but he’s my dad. He’s my dad, he’s fine. He’s my dad, I love him My dad’s the best! These father/son relationships all virtually fill up the exact same liminal space as far as I can tell. The way far ends of the bell curve are where it ever seems to yield different results. My dad is my best friend! One day I will kill my father, and I will finally be free of him. Let’s set those aside for this cross-section (vocab?). Every other relationship ship under the bell curve carries this seeming inevitability to it. These relationships seems like they get “finished” in a way. We know the personality of our parents so completely (and they have stopped changing/growing as people at a certain point), that we don’t actually have to go to them to learn about them. You don’t have to ask them questions or inquire about their opinions, because you can successfully deduce the answer using simple math. But THEN, you have to talk to them still, because they are close to you and want to learn about YOU, because you are still an incomplete puzzle. I don’t know, I just think the part of the parent/child dynamic where you have to share info with a parent even though the conversation has already been “solved;” the formality of it. The chore of it. That’s what it is. It’s chores. We know how chores are going to go, but until you actually do them, there’s this disorder. But instead of a dishwasher it’s a human being, that doesn’t “get” CRT. And if I can’t fucking convince my mother that my 28,000$ in savings will be able to tide me over for more than a week while I actually take a legitimate run at feeling fulfilled in my LIFE, convincing her to dismantle the foundation of our nation’s socio-economic structures in order to save our species from annihilation seems, I don’t know, tough.

Ok, I think I’m done. That took about an hour. I don’t think that’s bad at all. Am I still scared about tomorrow’s blog and therefore the rest of my life as I know it? Yes. Of course.

But at least you’ll be there with me when I get there. Take care bud, eat a good dinner tonight.

Love you

[spongeaddict]

SEQUEL ANNOUNCEMENT: “Four For The Road.”

Hi everybody, Sponge here! First of all I just wanted to thank everyone who read or otherwise interacted with Three To Get Ready. This installation went through a lot of last-minute changes as I was writing it, but I'm still pretty pleased with how it came out. Your support and kind words mean more to me than I can say, and I appreciate each and every one of you.

Now onto the announcement: the next (and final!) installment in this series will be called Four For The Road and the first chapter will drop NEXT WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 6TH! It takes place immediately after the end of Three To Get Ready – like, an hour or two after the last scene. I don't think it'll end up being quite as *ahem* adult as the last two stories have been, so I believe this one will be able to get away with a T rating. However, there will be language and some romance as well as themes of violence and peril. Of course, main pairings will be Shelma and Fraphne, but you knew that.

A lot of reviewers were super spot-on with their guesses in this story about the identity of the secret admirer(s) and I thought I'd try to keep up the mystery solving spirit in the finale. So intermittently, in the ending author's notes on some chapters, I'll share a clue to help you try to solve the mystery before the gang does! I've never implemented anything like this in any of my stories before, so I hope you all enjoy it! I'll also be posting the clues each week here on Tumblr, when I post the links for the chapters.

Unfortunately I am nowhere near ready to start fully posting this story yet because writing the threequel took a lot longer than I thought it would. But I really don't want to take a hiatus this time around – I want it to be seventeen weeks (or rather, sixteen weeks) of uninterrupted story. And because it's a summer road-trip story, I thought I should publish it during the summer! So check back on Wednesday, May 12th at or around 10pm for the second chapter of Four For The Road to drop. I'm so sorry for the long wait, but I think it'll be worth it! In the meantime, be sure to follow me on Twitter (@Sponge_Addict) if you feel so inclined for updates and peeks into my writing process. Thanks again for all your support!

[peterjonesparker]

so here’s the fic i’ve been writing for the last few days that’s the reason behind why i haven’t posted anything else. i like songs a lot and wanted to share them so here’s a fic where i can do that. and i’ve got nothing else to do but think about my own life so have a fic inspired by it! and before i forget, @spideychelle-romanogers, @spideychelleblessup, @bellamywarriorblake.

in which mj sends peter music recommendations and peter tries to make sense of what it all means.

have a song (ao3 link)

friends by nas & damian marley

The first time it happens, Peter’s lying in bed, scrolling through news about Spiderman on his phone at one in the morning on a Tuesday in January because he can’t fall asleep after the night he’s had patrolling. He’s about to open an article with the title “Spiderman’s Identity Revealed!” when he gets a notification at the top of his phone.

                      Michelle Jones

                      hey loser. have this.

And then another message comes through with a link attached. He opens the message and it’s a link to a YouTube video of a song. He looks back and finds that their last text exchange was last Thursday when she asked him if he was going to make it to the first decathlon practice of the year so he could start the new year off right. Odd.

Nonetheless, he opens up the song, listens to it, jams a bit to himself in bed even though he can feel his exhaustion in his bones, and then sends her back: it’s a good song. thanks. After two minutes, he gets a response.

                     Michelle Jones: no worries, parker

And that ends the conversation. He falls asleep shortly afterward, not thinking more of the out of the blue exchange. However, when Wednesday afternoon rolls around and Peter’s munching on the chicken pesto sandwich May’d purchased from Trader Joe’s, Michelle walks over to a seat across from him and Ned and sits down in it.

Peter is confused. Because Michelle always sits several seats down from them, reading a book while occasionally listening in on their conversations. She’s never sat across from them before. But she pulls out a book and starts reading, not acknowledging the fact that Ned and Peter have stopped talking. She glances up and scrunches her eyebrows together, “What, losers?”

“Nothing.” Peter says quickly, turning back to Ned and asking him about the history reading. Michelle doesn’t say anything else for the rest of the day, but she does steal two of his carrots. He gawks at her but she just shrugs her shoulders and pushes her bag of chips toward him. He takes a few. Only to make things fair. Not because they’re his favorite brand and flavor of chips.

He doesn’t think anything of the sudden change in seating arrangements, though. Michelle is weird. Maybe she just wants to be able to swap food and have background chatter while she reads. Peter also doesn’t think anything of it when Michelle sits next to him in Chemistry suddenly.

She plops down in the seat next to him and when Cindy gets to class and sees her seat taken, she just scrunches her eyebrows together and walks over to sit by Abraham in Michelle’s usual seat. Then, when their teacher tells them about a lab they’ll have coming up, Michelle asks Peter if he wants to be her partner. Which, Ned is always his partner. But Peter finds himself saying yes anyway. Michelle’s weird but also a little terrifying and he doesn’t want to say no to her, honestly. (Ned gets upset at him after school that day because he’s going to have to partner with Betty Brant now and Betty makes him nervous.)

It’s only after Michelle texts him again, the next week, asking about the lab report that he thinks of it. The last message she’d sent had been about the song. Friends. Is this Michelle’s odd way of asking to be friends? Sending a song and then inserting herself into his life?

Weird. But Michelle is too, so he supposes it’s fitting. Besides, he kind of enjoys having her around now, anyway. Peter could do friends with Michelle.

cool by zack villere

By the time summer rolls around, Michelle and Peter are solidly friends. Peter thinks. He’s calling her MJ now and toward the end of the year she’d stolen his phone and changed her name to Michelle “I don’t deserve her as a friend” Jones. Which is the name that pops up around ten at night on the Thursday before he’s supposed to go to one of Flash’s summer parties with Ned.

                    Michelle “I don’t deserve her as a friend” Jones: heh, sounds like                         you.

She sends a link to a song and he listens to the first twenty seconds before getting offended. (“I’ve always wanted to be cool. But I’m not that cool, that cool.” Those are some of the offending words.) He replies with “rude”. She tells him to listen to the whole song, noob. So he does. Because she asked and he can’t really say no to her. It’s a cool song. He kind of likes it. But he still feels a bit slighted by the message, so he doesn’t respond. That’ll show her. (It won’t.)

The next night, Ned picks him up around nine at night to drive them to the party. May tells them to be safe and looks Ned sternly in the eye, telling him that if he drinks a single drink he should call her to pick them up. Or else. Ned takes a big gulp and nods his head frantically because May can be incredibly scary when she wants.

When they arrive at the party, Ned steers clear of any alcohol that’s present and gets pulled aside by Betty because she has a question. (Yeah, sure.) So, Peter is left alone. He meanders around the party for a bit with a beer in his hand because it makes him feel less out of place. Then, he sees her.

She’s standing off to the side, eating a banana as she observes everyone at the party, eyes scanning the room and settling every so often. Her arms are crossed over her chest like she’s slightly uncomfortable. He walks over because he, for himself, is incredibly uncomfortable. He quickly realizes when he starts walking over and she notices him that he has no idea what to say. He remembers the song and manages, “Look who wants to be cool now.”

She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “You’re still the loser.”

“Ouch.” He chuckles, leaning back against the wall beside her. She’s got a small smile on her face, and he’d like to think it’s because she likes talking to him. She looks more comfortable, so at least there’s that.

“Didn’t realize you were a beer drinker.” She nods her head at his hands, which are tightly gripping a beer bottle that’s been opened but not sipped from.

“I’m not.” He says, a little sheepish. “It made me feel more comfortable here.” Which, he feels a bit embarrassed telling this to MJ, who is so unapologetically herself that she would never compromise her identity to fit in. But Peter is less sure of himself.

“Well then,” she says quietly and grabs the beer bottle from him, placing it onto the ground. She grabs a bag of fruit gummies from her pocket (why does she have those?) and hands them to him. “Have these instead.” He thanks her silently and chews on the gummies. They’re actually quite tasty. He’s pretty stoked. “So,” she says between pursed lips before asking her next question. “What brings you to the house of your nemesis for a party?”

And then they just start talking. From school to excitement about junior year to movies to music. (She complains that he never sends her music even though she sends him songs all the time. He panics and tells her that she should check out Hiatus Kaiyote’s Tawk Tomahawk because he’d just listened to it.)

Ned comes over while they’re in the middle of an argument (debate, MJ will claim later) about Jyn’s characterization in Rogue One. He slaps Peter lightly on the shoulder and nods to MJ. “Peter where have you been? You missed Flash getting thrown into the pool.”

“Oh,” Peter gets out, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. “MJ and I were just talking.”

Ned eyes him suspiciously. Peter doesn’t like that look on his face, either. “For the last hour and a half?”

“Uh,” Peter glances back at MJ. She looks entirely unimpressed with this whole exchange. He turns back to Ned. “Yeah?”

“Okay.” Ned drops it for the time being. They all talk for another twenty minutes before it’s almost Peter’s curfew and he and Ned have to leave. As soon as Peter closes the door to the passenger side of the car, Ned turns to him and punches him in the shoulder before yelling, “You never told me you had a crush on MJ!!”

Peter sputters and hopes the furious blush on his cheeks aren’t too noticeable in the dark light. “I do not!”

“Peter Parker, why would you ever keep this information from me!?!” He continues to yell in the car, and Peter hopes the people walking by don’t hear them because the last thing he needs is other people thinking he has a crush on MJ. Because he doesn’t.

Peter pouts and Ned drops it after a few more aggravated, “This is so ridiculous. I’m your best friend. I can’t believe you’d lie to me like that.” But then Peter starts unconsciously singing the lyrics to the song MJ had sent. He remembers how she’d scrunch her eyebrows together when talking through all her points or how she’d smile and call him a loser when he got too passionate about something unimportant. But most importantly, he remembers how he’d make a joke and her laughter would bubble out of her, loud and surprised, as if she hadn’t expected to like his words so much. And he thinks, maybe I’m not cool, but MJ thinks I am.

recess by ravyn lenae

At the beginning of second semester junior year, Peter meets with his guidance counselor to talk about college. He assures her that he’s going to be going to MIT. He’s been planning on it since he was a sophomore and his mentor, Mr. Stark, has a pull there so it shouldn’t be an issue. But she still shoves pamphlets in his hand and tells him about an interest session MIT is giving near the school in a few weeks.

When May finds out, she tells him they have to go. And it’s leaving the interest session, twirling his phone in his hands, when he gets another song.

                   “still too good for you” mj: this one is really good. check it out.

But he’s with Aunt May and he doesn’t want to play it out loud in the car and he can’t just put in headphones because May will complain to him about how he’s always trying to tune her out. So he spends the whole drive home jumping a bit in his seat because he’s excited to listen to the song. He makes conversation with May about the session and the presenters and how well-spoken they were and how difficult it is to get into the school. As soon as they’re home, though, he thanks May for taking him and goes straight to his room, lying down on his bed as he plugs his headphones into his phone and plays the song.

It’s a smooth song. He likes the beat, and he shakes his shoulders side to side along with the music as he lies in bed. He listens to it again. The second time is when he starts to hear the lyrics, and he panics a bit. It becomes obvious that it’s a song about a young boy. A young boy with a crush on a girl.

Peter is a bit suspicious, but he doesn’t dare mention anything to MJ. He’s worried, though. Does MJ know about his steadily growing crush on her? Does she notice how his eyes light up and he sits a bit straighter when she walks into a classroom? Or that he follows her every word at lunch time? Or that he’s suddenly much more invested in decathlon and attending every single meeting that he can? Has she noticed that he’s starting reading books she suggests or has an entire playlist dedicated to songs she’s sent him? That he brags about her taste in music to other people? He’s tried to be subtle about his crush, he swears. He supposes he wasn’t doing the best job.

Then, the decathlon team is all chatting about colleges and which ones they’re thinking of applying to and what they like and dislike about each school. Peter notices, however, that MJ is oddly silent about it. She’s usually so outspoken about her opinions, and she’s the smartest one on the team. Surely, she must have some opinions about what college she wants to attend.

Peter waits to ask her about it until they’re alone. They’re doing homework in his room at eleven on a Tuesday. May is asleep and MJ has an hour until she has to drive home. (She’d called her parents beforehand.) Right after they finish up a question that asked them to prove the definition of a limit for the function f(x) = x^3. (Peter usually dislikes proving things in math, but MJ is oddly fascinated by the whole process that he can’t help but see the beauty of it when he works with her.) “You haven’t been talking about college with anyone?” It’s a statement, but the question mark at the end is clear in his tone.

She’s silent, just like at school. But then: “I’m worried I won’t get in and everyone will think I’m not actually as smart as I thought I was.” A beat. “Or that I’ll get in and people will think it’s only because I’m black.” She takes a deep breath, in through her nose and out slowly through her mouth. “I’m applying to Harvard, restrictive early action.”

And, Peter’s a bit in awe. Because, like, it’s Harvard. But if anyone deserves to go to Harvard, or would thrive at Harvard, it’s MJ. “You are, without a doubt, the smartest person I know. Harvard would be absolutely lucky to have you.” He pauses for a moment, because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know if there’s any way to assure her or comfort her in this regard because he can’t change racial prejudice. “I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I wish you could be allowed to only stress about whether or not you get into college, not the implications either will have.” It doesn’t feel like enough, and she still seems uncomfortable even though she gives him a brief smile. “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

She rolls her eyes, smacking his shoulder lightly. “We’re friends, loser. Don’t make it a big deal.” He tries to keep his smile contained, too not smile too brightly so that’s its suspicious. But then she’s going over how they should approach the next proof and he just can’t help it. She’s pretty fucking amazing.

foreplay by jalen santoy

When school ends after junior year, Peter is pretty happy. He, Ned, and MJ hang out all the time over the summer. They do all their applications together in little study parties, with loads of snacks covering the tables and music playing lightly in the background. (He plays all the songs Michelle has sent, and tries not to find her eye whenever one comes on so he can see her reaction.) When they get their scores back, they all cheer loudly and adjust their Common App pages.

Peter’s also incredibly happy because MJ spends lazy weekends at his apartment. (Ned goes to church with his family and they go to a lot of banquets.) She lies on his bunk bed, her feet propped up against the wooden slats that hold up the top bunk’s bed. Or she lies on the top bunk, her head leaning over the edge so she’s reading upside down. (She doesn’t keep that pose for very long, but it’s the most adorable thing he’s ever seen.)

Further, it’s hot. It’s the middle of July and New York City is humid and sticky and blisteringly hot. So, sometimes, Peter takes off his shirt. He asks MJ every time and she just rolls her eyes at him. “Whatever floats your boat, loser.” So he strips off his shirt and tries not to watch for MJ’s reaction. She always keeps her eyes resolutely focused on her book. (Though, one time, he was putting in a new lightbulb in his lamp and when he finished, he caught her staring at his abs. He had to keep his squeal of delight in his mind.) MJ’s also taken to wearing short shorts and tank tops. It makes sense. No need to cover more skin that necessary if you’re going to be baked alive. It’s just…frustrating for Peter sometimes.

Summer is not all lazy days with friends, however. He still goes out on patrol regularly. He gets hurt a decent amount. And about a week into the summer, MJ asks him how the whole Spiderman thing has been going and he spits out his milk. (So, she’d found out.) Which, he likes having MJ know about the whole Spiderman thing. Because now he doesn’t have to feel like a liar all the time around her. However, he also doesn’t like having MJ know about the whole Spiderman thing. Because they fight. A lot.

They get into loud arguments about how he risks his life every day for people he doesn’t know and she won’t talk to him for three days after he gets badly hurt because she’s pissed. She tells him he’s too reckless and that he doesn’t prioritize himself when he goes out as Spiderman. How he’s too young and not well trained so he’ll continue getting nicked in the side by knives and bullets. He tries to reason that he does it to protect the little guy, tries to get her to understand that he needs to do this. “Peter, you’re one of the little guys. You need protecting too.” That upsets him. Because he’s not a little guy. He’s a fucking superhero. He’s an Avenger. But it all boils down to the fact that both of them care too much.

                 it’s the loser, do not answer: i care about you, mj. i care about you a                    lot. but i also care about new york.

He waits three hours for a reply, though he knows she reads it immediately. (He doesn’t know whether to be grateful for read receipts or if he should burn them in hell.)

                 michelle “my headache” jones: the problem is i care about you too                      much.

But mostly, they’re fine. Things are still okay with them. Which is why, two days before they’re going to hang out again, she sends him a new song.

                 michelle “my angel” jones: this one’s got a jazzy vibe. it’s a jam.

His horny “I’m seventeen and have a crush” brain freaks out a bit at the title of the song. He listens to it anyway. (MJ sent it. He’ll always listen.) He tries not to think too much into the fact that the song’s lyrics include “I love you”, “I hate you”, “I fuck you”, “well fuck you”. It’s all a little too close to home for their relationship since MJ joining Team Spiderman. He tries not to think about how, often times, their arguments will end with them up in each other’s faces. Or that he’s usually able to feel MJ’s hot breath heaving out against his face. Or that sometimes her eyes will flick down to his lips and he’ll almost lean forward.

But it’s fine. Peter likes the song. Then, when she comes to visit, he plays it and she signs along. he tries not to be entranced when she sings along. He tries not to let his heart do flips when she sings, “I love you.” And he tries not to feel it in his pants when she sings the words, “I fuck you.” He does his best to keep his mind free of inappropriate feelings and thoughts about his best friend.

sex jam by woo park

He gets the text from MJ while he’s out on patrol. He’s just said hello to the guy at the hot dog stand and stopped a purse snatcher. He’s swinging from one building to the next when his ass buzzes. He stops at the neck building and opens her text, nearly choking.

                boston buddy: this is literally a jam. it’s cool though. sounds like that                 band.

He composes himself and plays the song out loud on his phone while he sits on the edge of the building. (He figures he can take a small break.) The song is good though. It sounds like Hiatus Kaiyote, which he’d mentioned to MJ at a party like two years ago. He didn’t even realize she listened to them. So maybe MJ sent it for that reason and not because the song is literally called “sex jam”. He tries not to think about it too much.

But then it’s lunch time on a Thursday and Peter’s picking the onions out of his sandwich when a red rose is dropped on top of his meal. He looks up, and it’s Abraham. The boy is smirking and Peter’s going to ask what this means, but he leaves. Then Sally comes over and drops another rose onto his lunch and giggles before walking away. Soon, the whole decathlon team is dropping a rose onto his lunch and he’s so supremely confused. But then he sees MJ, carrying a whole bouquet of roses, and everything kind of clicks into place. He starts laughing and she has a small smile on his face as she rolls her eyes. “You’re a loser. But you can be a loser with a date to prom.” He hands him the bouquet and raises her eyebrows, stuffing her hands into her back pockets. “So? Be a friend and take a girl to prom?”

He shakes his head, all fond and shit. But he stands up and wraps his arms around MJ, pulling her into a tight hug and she laughs. “Yeah, I guess so.” He says into her ear, and she squeezes a bit tighter. He doesn’t even think about the fact that this is prom and it’s usually romantic. Because MJ’s his best friend and she asked and why wouldn’t he say yes?

He doesn’t think more about prom until Flash makes fun of him a week later before AP Gov starts. “Guess Penis Parker finally gets to use his penis with another person.” He snickers, and Peter rolls his eyes, trying to ignore the bully and keep his face from turning red because he does not need to be thinking about having sex with MJ in the middle of school. “Don’t forget to make your sex jam playlist.”

And there it is. The song is back. Right at the forefront of his mind again. Did MJ actually mean it like that? Had she been trying to tell him something? Is she going to try to have sex with him after prom? (Peter starts freaking out.)

When prom night finally does roll around, he wears a suit Tony had bought for him. It fits nicely and he thinks he looks pretty good. Aunt May cries and hugs him a bit too tightly. (“May, I gotta breathe.” “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”) Then he drives to pick MJ up from her house. Her mother answers the door, all smiles and hospitality. She welcomes him inside and tells him she’ll go get her daughter.

He’s waiting in the living room when he first sees her. She’s walking down the stairs, wearing a sleeveless black dress. Peter’s brain short circuits for a moment. He doesn’t snap out of it until she steps in front of him, crossing her arms over her chest and saying, “You look nice, Parker.” He sputters for a bit before he can return the compliment. She laughs and they turn so her mom can take pictures. Then they’re off to prom and he keeps worrying about what Flash said.

He shouldn’t worry. Prom is a good time. They hang out with the decathlon team and everyone gets a bit emotional. He and MJ slow dance together a few times, but it’s fine. And they don’t sleep together. They do, however, sit for several hours at the bar of the hotel where their prom is. They order sodas and chili fries, munching on them and talking about the future and what they’re both going to do in Boston. At one point, MJ falls asleep on his shoulder and he kisses her head. The waiter walks over with refills of the soda. She smiles. “You two are such a cute couple.”

Peter looks down at MJ, who looks so peaceful and content. “Thank you.” He smiles at the waiter. He’ll let himself have tonight.

you give me that by raveena

The summer before college, Peter feels like he, Ned, and MJ see each other almost every day. With Ned going to school across the country in California, Peter feels like he has to squeeze all the time in with his best friend that he can. Ned and MJ have grown fairly close on their own right. So everyone’s a little emotional when Ned leaves to go to the Philippines with his family for two weeks in the middle of the summer.

It’s during those two weeks that Peter realizes how amazing it’ll be to have MJ in Boston with him all the time. They see each other almost every day during those two weeks. (MJ gets sick in the middle so he doesn’t see her for two days.) They talk about college shopping lists and go over “College Essentials!” lists to figure out what should actually be necessary. They talk about classes they want to take. They come up with various personalities they could have if they wanted to reinvent themselves. (Neither wants to commit to that.) They watch a lot of movies they get from other students on the Facebook pages for incoming freshman for their respective schools. (They have a running commentary going for each one. They make fun of the lame ones and laud the good ones.) They also listen to a lot of music together. Like, a lot. Like he and MJ lie on the floor of her room while songs flow from her speakers and they don’t say anything, just lie there on her rug with their heads close. Occasionally, they’ll glance at each other and smile. Scrunch their nose if they don’t like the song and want to skip it. Reach for the phone when they want to know the song playing. They also send each other a lot of music during the times of day when they aren’t together.

               pawk the cah in hahvahd yahd: this one is nice. smooth.

It is nice. It’s a very smooth song. Also a bit sexual? He really worries about whether or not MJ is trying to tell him something. Because if she is, he’s totally, one hundred percent on board. Like, all the way. But he has no idea if she’s trying to tell him anything at all. She could just be sending him a song she liked and that’s it. (He hopes that her songs have meaning.)

What he does know for sure is that the song has a really good pace. A pace that drives his eighteen-year-old horny brain up the wall. Which is why he starts to play the song while he masturbates. Because it’s a good pace. It’s smooth and slow and perfect for the build-up because it seems sensual and more romantic. (And okay, so, maybe he also pictures making out with MJ to this song and that really helps but his chest flushes red when he remembers this so he’s not going to talk about.)

It’s over the course of all these times (there are more than he’d care to admit) that he learns the lyrics to the song. It’s a good song, really. For reasons other than the masturbation variety. Which is why he plays it one day when they’re hanging out in his room, sitting against the edge of his bed next to each other. And since he knows all the words, he sings along to the whole song. When it ends, he turns and sees that MJ is staring at him. She looks confused and slightly surprised.

He feels uncomfortable and gets worried that she’ll catch onto the fact that he has this massive crush on her. So he shrugs and says, “What? I like your music.”

She turns her head, letting her curls fall over her face. “Good.” She turns back and her classic smirk is waiting for him. “I was starting to get worried that you didn’t like the recs because you never send stuff back.”

He balks and sputters. “You just send so much! How am I supposed to keep up?”

She rolls her eyes at him, laughing. “You’re a loser. Explore a little.” She knocks her shoulder against his and smirks at him. He smiles because he can’t help it. He can’t help a lot of things around her.

“I really do appreciate the music.” He says, earnest. “I really like your music.” She looks a bit stunned and turns her head again, pushing back some hair that had fallen into her face. She doesn’t say anything else and the next song plays. But she leans so that their shoulders are touching and he tries to stop the rapid beating in his chest. (He’s unsuccessful.)

get you by daniel caesar (featuring kali uchis)

Peter really likes college. He’s two and a half months into his first term, and he enjoys all his classes thus far. He’s made some good friends and he and his roommate are really close, which is nice. The food is pretty good and he gets to run along the Charles River every morning, which is really pretty at sunrise. Life is pretty nice.

He can’t not mention MJ either. They talk every day. They hang out at least once a week. Likely, more than that. They study together and his roommate and MJ are friendly. All of MJ’s roommates know him and they always giggle whenever he’s around. (Part of him worries that one of them has a crush on him, but he knows that’s ridiculous and pushes that thought aside.) They get lunch sometimes during the week and MJ steals food from his plate, but he steals some of her atrocious soda concoction so it all balances out. And, of course, MJ still sends him music.

             the pretentious harvard one: oh my god, you’re a dumbass. here’s a                    song.

It’s out of the blue this time. No lead up, no mention of music in the last three days. He feels the buzz in his back pocket while he’s in physics on a Tuesday. After class, he puts the headphones in his phone and plays the song. The singer’s voice is silky. The words flow from his mouth like honey and Peter’s absolutely enraptured so he plays the song on repeat as he walks to his next class.

When he listens to it again that night, he finally realizes that the song is very…sexual. He looks up the lyrics and finds a video of the artist talking about the song and he literally says of some of the lyrics: “Yeah, that’s just good pussy. Good loving.” But the song is also incredibly romantic in its own right. About two people totally enraptured with each other and in their own world.

Peter freaks out. He tries to compose himself because he’s supposed to go to MJ’s dorm that Friday and watch a movie together for her film seminar. So he takes the next three days to focus and get himself prepped so he doesn’t spend the whole night looking at MJ like a lovesick puppy. (Or so that he doesn’t get a boner because he’s too busy thinking about what it’d be like to make love to her.)

So, at eight o’clock after a long day of class, he walks over to MJ’s dorm. As he walks into the dorm, he sees MJ’s roommates. He waves hello and smiles, because he wants to stay on good terms with them because he’s at MJ’s dorm so often. But they all just kind of…snicker at him as he walks by. He tries not to think too much of it.

The door to MJ’s suite is open, so he walks in. He knocks on the door to MJ’s room before opening it and she’s lying on her bed, elbow propping up the arm holding her head. She looks at him and he can’t quite decipher the expression on her face. But she asks, “You ready?” So he decides to let it be.

They watch the movie on her laptop, which is resting on her lap, so he has to lean into her a bit. He takes deep gulps because she’s in a loose tank top and she’s also not wearing a bra (not that he was looking!) and her sleep shorts, which are very short and give him a nice view of her legs. (They go on for ages, oh my goodness.) She smells like old books and it’s so entirely MJ that it’s all overwhelming. He’s not even paying attention to the movie at this point. It could be twenty minutes or even an hour later (he honestly doesn’t know) when the two characters on the screen start making out. Then they start having sex and Peter is overwhelmed because MJ is right next to him and they’re watching two people have sex on the screen.

Then, MJ pauses the film and he’s shocked. He looks over at her, stunned, with wide eyes. She looks so entirely fed up with everything. She crosses her arms over her chest and looks pointedly down at his pants. “Are we going to ignore your hard on or are we going to do something about it?” He gulps, but she just raises her eyebrows, looking down at his pants again and he can feel the blush spreading quickly across his face.

“Do you,” his voice cracks, so he takes a deep breath to compose himself. “Do you want to do something about it?”

All of her confidence from just a few moments before is suddenly gone. She’s bashful. She won’t meet his eye. She brushes her hair to the other side of her head and with a much softer tone of voice, she says, “I mean, if you want to, then sure.”

He’s smiles because it’s perfectly MJ. He leans in, slow, because he wants to savor and remember this moment. But when his lips meet hers, he becomes more frantic. One of his hands grabs her hip and squeezes and her arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him so that he’s on top of her and pushing her into the bed. It’s a good kind of pressure. Then she’s running her hand down his abs until she’s reached his jeans and she’s palming him through his pants. He gasps, hips grinding down into her touch and he breathes deeply against her neck before latching on to kiss her there. She manages to get his shirt off somehow and run her other hand from his hair, down his back, and to his ass. She squeezes and she’s still palming his dick and it’s all a lot so he pulls back and slides down to her pants. He glances up, meets her eyes with a pointed look. “May I?”

She nods quickly and she’s a bit out of breath. But then her pants are off and he runs one of his hands slowly up her leg, watching her as he does so in case she gives any indication she wants him to stop. But she’s eyeing him and it feels significant. She’s biting her lip and nodding, so he starts to rub her through her underwear. She reaches down and adjusts his hands, guiding him so he’s moving them the right way. Then she’s gasping and leaning her head back against the bed. He moves so that he’s hovering over her, hand still moving against her through her underwear. He bites her eye, whispering, “Do you like that?” She sighs, moving her hands so that they card through his hair. They pull and he likes it a lot. “Yeah, you like that, don’t you?” Another nip at her ear and then he asks, “You’d like it if I ate you out, wouldn’t you?” She nods frantically. Her eyes are closed and she groans, pulling his head back and shoving him down. He chuckles, but pulls her underwear down before pulling her legs over his shoulders so she’s encasing him in his own personal garden of Eden. Her hands are tangled in his hair, and her grip tightens as he kisses and bites at her thighs. (He’s not going to admit to researching extensively about how you should go down on a person with a vagina. He looked up a lot of articles and diagrams and tips. He hopes some of them pay off.)

She pushes his head down to where she really wants and he flattens his tongue and licks. She pushes his head further down and gasps. He moans, which she seems to like because her legs shake. He takes it as a good sign and continues his ministrations. He involves his fingers at some point and then she’s moaning very loudly, gasping out every so often. She pushes her legs down into his back and lets out, “Fuck, Peter.” And then he crooks his finger and her muscles start tightening and spasming. Her mouth is open but not a sound comes out except for a squeak. She looks frozen in place, but her legs are shaking. He continues licking until she pulls him up by his hair and kisses him roughly. He’s sure the taste of her is now in her mouth and he likes that perhaps a bit too much.

He pulls back because he’s smiling too much to kiss her. She just laughs, running a hand across her forehead. “Fucking hell, Parker.”

“Good?” He asks, all smug and confident. But he really wants to hear her say it. To tell him he did a good job. And oh, he should explore that later.

“Really fucking good.” Then she’s running a hand across his abs and her hand is palming his dick again and he almost forgot. His mouth opens ridiculously and he groans, dropping his head into his shoulder, burying it there. He pulls his pants down and then shakes his head. “Oh wait, condom?” He really hopes she has a condom. She just smiles, leaning over the bed and pulling one out of a box. He rolls it on and positions himself. But then he looks into her eyes and kisses her deeply. She smirks. “You gonna fuck me or what?”

And oh ho ho, is he gonna! He slowly eases himself into her and she bites his shoulder. He hisses, but he likes it. (Another thing he should explore.) But if she’s biting his shoulder, then her screams are masked so that’s a plus. He sets a punishing pace and she’s rolling her hips up into his. Her thumb is rubbing circles into her clit and he runs his hands over her chest and waist and ass, anywhere he can reach. Then she flips them over and puts her hands on his chest so he can’t sit up. Her hands get dangerously close to his neck without quite reaching it. He likes it a lot more than he thought he would. There’s a lot of things he wants to explore, but that’s for another time. For now, he’s too busy holding onto her hips and rocking along with her. They ignore the squeaks that her small, old twin XL bed makes. Their gasps make more noise, anyway.

He’s thankful her roommates are gone, so they don’t hear when he starts talking to her. He’s rubbing little circles into her clit like she’d be doing a little while ago and he’s speaking in a low, husky voice. “You like that, don’t you? You look so fucking beautiful, riding me like your life depends on it.” He goes on and on about her breasts and her hair and the sheen of sweat that covers her whole body and makes her glow like an angel. Then he’s coming and gasping and groaning and his head falls back and he can’t say anything else. MJ laughs, slowing down the rolling of her hips against his. His hands drop and he’s lying back, completely spent. MJ chuckles, leaning down to kiss his forehead and his nose and his cheeks until she finally reaches his lips. She gives him a light peck, looking down at him with a bright smile. “Your orgasm face is so stupid.”

He sputters out a chuckle, wrapping his arms around her torso and pulling her tight to his chest. He kisses the side of her head and whispers into her ear, “Yours is beautiful.”

“Oh shut up, you loser.” But she buries her face into his shoulder and he can feel her lips smile against his neck. He smiles, running his hands up and down her back lightly. He tries to say as casually as possible, “You know, my hands are pretty nice.”

She pulls back, eyes twinkling and lips pulled into a mischievous smile. “Wanna prove it?”

“Always,” he whispers, in awe. Then he uses his hands and brings her back to the edge for the second time that night and he sees her orgasm face and it’s honestly the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. Hands down. No lie. And then she’s the one who’s spent and wrapping her hands around his torso to pull him into a hug. He snuggles into her chest, kissing the top of her left breast lightly.

“You know I like you, right?” She asks, and her voice is so small. Tentative. As if she’s unsure what his reaction will be. “Like, I like like you.”

He leans up and kisses her nose. “I like you too. Like like you.”

She smiles, bright and happy. Then she smirks and asks, “Does this mean I can tell my roommates we’re dating so they’ll stop bothering me?”

He laughs. “Oh my goodness, I knew it!” She just rolls her eyes and pushes his face back into her chest. But he pulls back one more time. “Is this what you were getting at when you sent me all those songs?”

“Yeah.” She rolls her eyes, fond and content and he’s over the moon. “Only took you three years though, genius.” He kisses her deeply and then settles back into her chest. He likes snuggling into her like this. Her hands pulling lightly at the tips of his hair as her chest rises and falls slowly. He feels like he could stay here forever.

“Thanks for being patient.” He whispers and she leans down to kiss his forehead.

“Anytime, Peter.”

[nettheworldonfire]

If the Genes Fit, Test Them.

It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.  Somewhere between the drama and chaos that was diagnosis, first treatment, and weaning my 6.5 month old external tumor, and now the end of life as we know it (also known as COVID-19), I just didn’t have much to say, or much time to say it.

So while Charlie is sleeping, and Olive is screaming at me in her typical zombie-esque growl and tossing each toy I give to her on the ground, repeatedly, I’ll painstakingly stop and start this post, until I’ve given a short update about all that has been going on.

Genetic Counseling Update: On Wednesday I spoke to a genetics counselor over the phone.  I was supposed to go in, but the appointment was modified due to COVID-19 and we took care of everything via phone.  The counselor’s name was Stephanie and she was extremely kind and informative.  She called me promptly at 8 am and the call lasted almost exactly one hour, like she said it would.  (I kind of wish all appointments were this easy.)  They are sending me out a saliva swab kit to test my DNA.  The kit should arrive within a week, I’ll send it back out, and I should have those results within a month.  Easy peasy.

Stephanie said that about 10% of neuroendocrine tumor patients are genetically predisposed to getting cancer.  While only about 1 of those percents are people with my type of neuroendocrine tumors, due to my family history, they think it is smart to check.  On my mother’s side, I have a second cousin who also has pancreatic neuroendocrine tumors and liver metastasis (she recently started Lanreotide injections, too).  Additionally, my mother’s father had a neuroendocrine tumor on his spine, near the nape of his neck, which they assumed was was not cancerous, even though it was fatal. He was diagnosed in the 70s though, and then Neuroendocrine tumors were thought to not be cancerous because of how slow-growing they are.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago, we tried to access his records from his more recent Jefferson hospital stays/surgeries (he passed away in the early 2000s) but we were not able to obtain them.  Anyway - that is enough to make this a fishy scenario. And in the words of the counselor, “reasonable to think there is an underlying genetic predisposition.”

While the most important reason for genetic testing right now is to find out if my immediate family may also be at risk for these type of tumors, it can also be helpful to know what treatments may be beneficial.  If an underlying genetic cause is found, it would trigger two things - testing for my mother and brothers, and testing for my children.  A genetic predisposition has a 50/50 chance of being passed to your children, so therefore, if I have it (presumably from my mother, since it’s on that side of the family) it would typically indicate that she does and my brothers and children have a 50/50 chance of having it, too.  There is yet a third consideration though - which is that it is a NEW genetic predisposition started with ME.  Apparently, there are 10 new genes in each baby, that did not come from either mother or father, meaning that issues like these can start with anyone, at any point (crazy, huh?).  

They told us that this testing, if not covered by insurance, costs $250 per person - something I think is worth it, in the long run.  I don’t think they would test my children now, but they said they would fairly early - and if they also have the gene - they would be followed/scanned regularly to ensure there are no tumors.  Definitely not the sort of thing you want to have passed down to the kids (I think they would prefer a family fortune, or a shorehouse) - so fingers crossed that I don’t have this gene and it’s all just a horribly shitty coincidence.  

Adventures of Olive in Formula-land Update:   My (adorable) hungry, hungry hippo is now taking 25-30 ounce of formula daily, from a regular medela bottle with a disposable enfamil nipple (go figure), like a freaking champion.  This girl can eat.  She is so proud of her bottle-loving self, that she gets up three or four times a night to show me how much she loves her fancy formula.  Luckily, she is four months away from regular old milk (or an abundance of yogurt and cheese, the route Charlie opted for) and we can stop spending $30 a week on her elitist beverage of choice.  I joke, but really I am thrilled that the horror of weaning is over.  That nearly killed me.  And in more personal news, I didn’t even have to pump that long, didn’t really get sore, and have pretty much stopped producing much at all - so that is a literal relief.

University Update:  After learning I was locked into paying for the course I had started a few days before my diagnosis, I was annoyed and anxious about what was the best course of action.  I decided that it would be better, for the purposes of my sabbatical (and needing to complete a certain amount of my program to meet the requirements of my district and not owe them back what I’ve earned this year) to struggle through the course, versus withdrawing, if we were paying for it either way.  So that’s what I did.  But, but rather than struggle through the course, I just kind of didn’t do anything.   I felt overwhelmed even thinking about it, so it was easier not to.  And I didn’t.  This past week, as week 8 (the final week) of my course began, I discussed my options for salvaging the course, so that I might at least “pass” with my chairperson.  She was accommodating and understanding, and now with even more craziness in the world, sympathetic.  She and I discussed a minimalist approach to completing back-work and hitting the milestones I missed in the last few weeks, so that I could still get some late credit.  I felt like so many of my students, basically asking, “What is the very least amount of work I can do and still pass your class?”  I suppose what goes around, comes around?

I started working my dissertation proposal again Thursday and will have more to work on this weekend - but should be able to pull off a small miracle.  I did send a crass email to the finance department and will likely be taking a hiatus from the program, as I am not sure where to go from here.  While I want to finish this dissertation and accomplish what I set out to -- I also just don’t give an eff at this point, and may want to spend the tiny bits of spare time I have doing things that make me genuinely happy.  After all, you only live (or die) once, and If the last two months say anything about life, well - that’s enough to scare anyone into treating each day as your last.

Side-effects Update: After my first injection, I felt okay for awhile, then got extremely tired for about two hours.  Later that night, I was quite nauseous and vomited a couple times.  By the next day, I felt a little wonky and sick - but overall, not terrible (more like a bad hangover).  Within two or three days, I think I felt normal again (what is normal anyway?).  Even now, almost three weeks later, I can still feel a bulbous spot in my upper butt cheek and from time to time it is sore.  I can definitely see why they recommend doing the injection on alternate sides.  The specialty pharmacy called me this week and everything is set up for my shot to arrive at Dr. Rose’s office sometime next week. He should be back to work on Monday and I am hoping he calls me with next steps/ideas.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to get blood work next week and I am not looking forward to sitting at Labcorp and germ swapping with my Abington area neighbors, but I will be careful.

Anxiety Update: I started a daily dose of 5 mg of Lexapro about the same time as I started the Lanreotide - I think I have been on it for 25 days maybe.  I can’t really tell if I feel a difference because everything has calmed down a bit, and we have a plan of action to tackle this cancer and I am not actively writing my dissertation - or if the medication is working?  Hard to say.  I do feel better(ish), minus the impending shitstorm that is COVID-19 lurking around every corner.  My doctor, however, didn’t think I was any more susceptible than a normal 37 year old, so that was the good news.  The bad news is, that if they start making triage decisions based on health - metastatic cancer is one of the things that means you don’t get a ventilator - so I better watch my back (and wash my hands, and not touch my face, and all that jazz).  We’re socially distanced though, and other than my appointments, we will remain that way until things are less deathy out there.

Options Update: I am assuming that the whole COVID-19 thing has changed his thoughts on doing the embolization in April, and since Dr. Teitelbaum felt it was something we could hold off on, I think that may be the route we go now.  I don’t even know if they would do it, or if it would be considered elective.  Not that anyone would elect to go through this, but you know.  Hoping I will have a conversation with him on Monday to sort this all out.  Til then...

* Dark side: Quarantine, still, and maybe forever.

* Bright side: A lull in posts means a lull in “activity” means a lull in bad news - I’ll take it! * Next steps:

3/30/20 - Conversation with Dr. Rose about the plan of action

4/1/20 - 10:00 a.m. - Bloodwork at Labcorp

4/6/20 (tentatively) - next Lanreotide injection (I forgot to write down the time!)

* Sciencey GIF:

[sonofhistory]

James Spence Monroe

James Monroe first caught Elizabeth Kortright’s eye in 1785 while he was serving as a member of the Continental Congress. The two married on February 16, 1786 at Trinity Church, New York two days after Valentines Day as it is noted in the account books of the church [x]. Ten months later, in December (the exact date in unknown) their first daughter, Eliza Monroe (purposely named after her mother) was born in Virginia. After the birth, Monroe wrote to mentor Thomas Jefferson,

“Mrs. Monroe hath added a daughter to our society, who tho’ noisy, contributes greatly to its amusement.”

When he was away from his new family (though he painfully did not wish to be so) he would inquire in a few letters that were saved between them: “Has she grown any, and is there any perceptible alteration in her?” He called her “a little monkey” and would close them with “Kiss the little babe for me & take care of yourself & of her." This would be their last child for thirteen years. 

It is unknown exactly why James and Elizabeth Monroe did not have anymore children until thirteen years later but it is speculated that Elizabeth was getting pregnant but she was having miscarriages. Although there no record of any miscarriages (or possibly stillbirths), the fact that the couple were able to produce two children after those long years of “hiatus” does prove she was able to have children after the birth Eliza. Another factor that points to this is that Elizabeth had rather fragile health and late onset epilepsy that caused her physical injury. The miscarriages possibly were recorded but as most of Elizabeth’s correspondence was burned by her husband following her death, there is no way to know. 

By 1799 when the Monroes did have another son, James, Elizabeth and little Eliza had already resided all over Europe while Monroe was ambassador to France. In May (exact date unknown) 1799, back in Virginia near Charlottesville, Elizabeth Monroe gave birth to a son, James Spence Monroe and as the father pointed out to Janet Montgomery:

“I was balancing for some time what I should call him, and among the worthies of our country...I should have thought more of the names of Jefferson & Montgomery than any we boast of. But his mother is an old fashioned woman & chose...to follow the old fashioned track of calling him after his father... ” 

The elder James was ecstatic with his son’s birth and because Monroe burnt a lot of his letters before his own death, we have only a summary of what Thomas Jefferson wrote back to Monroe, replying to letter written about the new infant:

“[Thomas] Jefferson presents his compliments to Colo. Monroe, & his sincere congratulations to him & mrs Monroe on the interesting addition to their family. he wishes to know how mrs Monroe & the youngster do; and would be made very happy if he could offer any thing grateful to [mrs] Monroe. rice, pearl barley &c sometimes useful to the sick, she probably has: if not, they are here at her service.”

When James Spence Monroe was born, his father was governor of Virginia. Due to the infants sickly health, Monroe was taking trips every other day from the capital to his home and than back again. He did not want to risk having Elizabeth travel in her still weakened condition and neither did he want his child to be on the road while still sickly. James Jr would never reach sound health in his sixteen months of life. 

By June of 1800, a smallpox outbreak occurred in the town and Monroe wrote to Madison that “[he is] forbidden to inoculate our child on acct. of his teething & having the Hg. cough, my family will probably soon move up the country." Due to the babies teething, James Spence had become sick with whooping cough by mid summer of 1800. In August, the family spent time in the country air of their home in Albemarle, thinking the fresh air would be beneficial to the young boy's health. August 6th, the father wrote to Madison,

“Our child has a fever, did not sleep last night nor on the road. I fear he will not rest to night. We shall have the Dr. with him tomorrow, & his gums lancd as we hope that is the only cause of his present indisposition.”

Teething was becoming so difficult and painful, a surgeon was called to lance his gums to try and alleviate the problem. By August 13th, the symptoms shortly vanished, but J.S. (as he was referred to in Monroe’s letters) was still suffering from a fever.

“I returned from Richmond yesterday (wednesday) and found my child better than when I left him. The dangerous simptoms of the thrush seem to be past, and the hooping cough has nearly left him, so that extreme debility, is his present chief complaint.”

Monroe had to leave to attend to business in Richmond because he was still the governor of Virginia. In the same letter, Monroe noted that the constant rides back and forth between the governors palace and his family home and son’s bedside was taking and toll on James Sr’s health:

“I have been so much worsted by my ride down & back, in the sun, that I can scarcely sit up [today], and my family are not less wearied with the duties which devolve on it in my absence. At present we have no plan but that of ending this state of things.”

The next day on August 14th, the child seemed to be in recovery, Monroe headed back to the capital:

"...since my last my child has had no relapse of his former complaints, but I have recd. a notice which shews I ought to be at Richmd.”

A few times reports were surfacing of a yellow fever outbreak in Norfolk. On August 20th, he arranged for his family to travel to Caroline County to pay a visit to his sister, Elizabeth Buckner, again believing the fresh country air would be good for little James's health. Writing on September 9th that

“Mrs. M. is gone on a visit to my sister Buckner in Caroline, and writes me she and Eliza are well & the child much improved. By moving him abt. he will I hope get the better soon of those diseases of childhood, & recover his strength.”

Monroe had spent much of August traveling between Albemarle County, where his young son was seriously ill, and Richmond, where he and the Council of State took steps to quarantine Norfolk for yellow fever. In Richmond on the afternoon of Saturday, August 30th, Monroe received information that an insurrection by slaves in the surrounding area would strike the city that night. He communicated with the mayors of Richmond and Petersburg and called out militia to protect the capitol building and public stores of arms and ammunition. Heavy rainfall that made roads and bridges impassable forestalled the beginning of the revolt that night, but Monroe soon received information to convince him that the plan for rebellion was still in place. The legislature was not in session, but with the concurrence of the council on Tuesday, September 2nd the governor alerted all Virginia militia regiments and strengthened the guard on key locations in and around the capital city. He also communicated with local civil officials. 

The evening of September 2nd the first group of suspects was brought to Richmond from the vicinity of the Henrico County plantation of Thomas H. Prosser, whose slave Gabriel had been named as the primary leader of the intended revolt. Under Virginia law of more than a century’s standing, the trial of a slave accused of committing a capital offense was to take place without a jury before a court of oyer and terminer assembled for the purpose. According to a 1786 statute, which was a modified version of a bill in the great revision of the state’s law code that Thomas Jefferson and others had drafted some years earlier, a slave could only be condemned to death by unanimous decision of the court of oyer and terminer, and the state would compensate the owner for the value of the executed slave. The first executions for participation in the conspiracy occurred on Friday, September 12th. In the end, twenty-six slaves including Gabriel were hanged. The council agreed to some of the requests from Monroe for pardons or temporary reprieves of condemned men. 

The crisis and anxiety of Gabriel’s Rebellion topped with the stress of his son’s sickness was coming to odds with Monroe whose health worsened in this period. Monroe was receiving constant information from his family on the condition of his son. Elizabeth had taken James Spence and went to Fredricksburg where again they believed ever better air would help. The infant’s illness took a turn for the worse on September 20th and on the 22nd, Monroe was writing to Thomas Jefferson that

“...the dangerous indisposition of my child deprives now of that pleasure. Our Infant is in the utmost danger & I begin to fear that we shall want that consolation wh. I was abt. to offer to the afflicted Mr. & Mrs. Carr.”

James Madison cheerfully wrote Monroe back on September 24th that he and Dolley “are glad to hear that your little son has mended so much, as well as that Mrs. M & the rest of you continue well.” James Spence Monroe was on a rapid decline. On the morning of the 28th, Monroe wrote a letter to the Virginia Counsil State saying he was not going to attend the meeting in the afternoon due to the health of his son. After finishing the letter, Monroe set off down his horse unknown that the night of the 28th would J.S’s last, and it would be the final night they would have with their son. He arrived the in the night when the sun had already set after traveling for miles by horse. James Spence Monroe at the age of only sixteen months died at ten pm on September 28th, 1800. 

The next day, Monroe wrote a letter to the Virginia Counsil State again, repeated the same reason of why he would not be attending, this time his son was not ill, he was dead. Monroe wrote to Madison and in a letter that featured nothing other than what is below:

“An unhappy event has occurr’d which has overwhelmed us with grief. At ten last night our beloved babe departed this life after several days sickness, wh. attended the cuting his eye teeth in the last stage, when we flatter’d ourselves the danger had passed. I cannot give you an idea of the effect this event has produc’d on my family, or of my own affliction in being a partner and spectator of the scene. Many things have occurr’d my friend, in these late years that abated my sensibility to the affrs. of this world, but this has roused me beyond what I thought it was possible I cod. be. Knowing the interest you take in our welfare, I perform a painful task in communicating to you and family this great calamity.”

The father was witness to his own son’s death after months of poor health and worrying that finally came to a close. Above, Monroe believed that he was numb to loss until James Spence died and that he had known no other grief in his life and that he would never recover. Monroe grieved deeply over the loss and his health dipped into a decline due to his constant travel, and Elizabeth's health suffered for many months due to her own grief. Neither James nor Elizabeth ever fully recovered. 

Before departing for ambassadorship in France in 1803, months after the birth of their third and final child, Maria Hester Monroe, Monroe asked his uncle and mentor Joseph Jones to to place a small gravestone over the spot where his child was laid to rest at St. John’s church in Richmond, Virginia. Saying that he wanted “something more permanent than the memory of our estimable friends who tend his deposit there.” He directed that the stone should bare the buried’s initials J.S.M. and nothing else. Sadly, this grave has never been located. 

[withyoualwayssss]

Chicago PD Finale Rant

A few days have past since the season 4 finale. I thought I’d be over it by now, but I’m not. I’m still fuming from the horribly written 50 something minutes we had to sit through on Wednesday night. Like most ChiHards, I’ve been a loyal fan of PD since the beginning. I’ve fallen in love with each member of the Intelligence family. I’ve watched them struggle & I’ve watched them triumph. They’ve been through a lot these last 4 years. I’ve disliked some storylines over the years, but was always able to see the reasoning behind them. But not now. This season has been filled with so many discontinued & just plain stupid storylines. I’ve had enough! These characters deserve better and so do the fans!

1. It’s All About Lindsay! Many people have argued that Erin Lindsay is the star of PD. To that I say: IT’S AN ENSEMBLE SHOW! Not just PD but the entirety of One Chicago is an ensemble. It’s one of the many reasons these shows work. At the beginning, I welcomed Lindsay’s back story. Finding out more about her relationship with Voight, her alcoholic & drug addicted mother Bunny, and her will they won’t they relationship with her partner Jay. But now entering season 5, I’ve had it! We’ve seen Erin go over the edge with Bunny before. It made sense back in season 2. After Nadia died, Erin reverted back to her old habits in order to cope. Jay & Voight brought her back and she repaired her life, leaving Bunny behind. Now, after all the progress she’s made, to bring Bunny back in, was a lazy decision on the writers part. While I can understand Erin’s desire to help her mom, I can’t understand why she continues to cover for her after all she’s done. Taking the job at the FBI to save Bunny was so ridiculous. I would’ve insisted Bunny be arrested and thrown in jail. But, nope Erin saved her…for the millionth time. Also, Voight throwing away the evidence that could’ve convicted Bunny PISSED ME OFF! He’s spent so much time trying to keep her away from Erin, why stop now?! Ugh! Ending the episode the way they did, was again lazy. There was no real cliffhanger. We all know Erin will never leave Chicago, unless Sophia leaves the show which hasn’t been confirmed by her or the showrunner. So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

2. Where’s Michelle? Michelle, Al’s secret daughter seemly fell off the face of the planet. Yes, she left Chicago to fight crime with the green arrow in Star City (shout out to CW’s Arrow which I haven’t watched in 2 seasons), but we deserved some closure for her and Al. Why wasn’t she around when Lexi died? Even if they hadn’t had a relationship, wouldn’t have she been there for her dad? I guess not. Also the killing of Lexi again seems like a storyline made purely for drama. Voight lost Justin last season and seems to have completely moved on from it. Fun fact: Justin is also in Star City with Michelle & the Green Arrow...at least I think so. I've seen him in promos. is it now a rule that Intelligence members aren’t allowed to have kids? So glad Antonio moved to Justice or I’d be worried for Diego & Eva. 3. Jay’s marriage & PTSD. I am so beyond pissed at the writers for how they’ve treated Jay this season. His wife (one we didn’t know he had!) showing up for 1 episode which was ridiculous and made no sense. The only purpose was to use it as a reason to break him and Erin up. Again I say, LAZY WRITING! After all Linstead has been through, Jay leaving for that reason makes NO SENSE! Oh & let’s not forget Jay’s PTSD. Something they touched on awhile ago and then never spoke of again. Until the wife showed up & it was used as another excuse to leave Erin. As someone who has PTSD, I find the way the writers have used this storyline, to be incredibly offensive. Not to mention hurtful. They portray mental illness as something you have but can be easily fixed by never talking about it. Put a bandaid on it and move on. Let me tell you, in real life it doesn’t work like that! I deal with my mental illness during every minute of every day. With medication & therapy I’m able to function. But it is far from easy. So why aren’t we seeing that from Jay? A scene with him at his support group or with his therapist. But nope, we got Erin’s therapist because her storyline is more important. Jay seems to just be there to listen to her gripe about her mom and maybe try and save her when she screws up. Jesse Lee Soffer is an incredible actor and deserves more. I know he’s slay scenes dealing with Jay’s PTSD. Not to mention it would be nice for those of us who actual live with mental illness, to see it depicted on tv in a realistic way. But nope…again it’s all about Erin!

4. Burzek. Kim & Adam’s relationship has always been a favourite of mine. I am still confused about their break up. It made no sense to me. Again, like most things on PD it seems like a cheap way to get drama. However I have enjoyed seeing them rebuild their friendship since Burgess joined Intelligence. I am still holding out hope for these two!

5. Atwater. Kevin Atwater is the most under appreciated character on this show. I don’t think he’s ever gotten a storyline just solely for him, that has been carried through the show. He’s always just been a supporting character to Burzek & Linstead. But this year he finally got a major storyline…but on a different show. Justice gave him an impeccable story for entire episode. It wasn’t perfect but it was great. Again, not even on his own show. The man works a crazy job all while raising his younger brother & sister. Why don’t we know more about that? What happened to his parents? What lead to him stepping up to raise Jordan and Vanessa? We have yet to find out anything. KEVIN ATWATER DESERVES BETTER!

6. Crossovers. I love crossovers! It’s one of the many things that makes One Chicago so special. But what I don’t love is how there is no consistency for most of the characters when they are appear on the other shows. Do the One Chicago writers even communicate? Do they watch the other shows to get to know the characters before they write them in their own shows? So many things frustrate me about this, one being the Halstead brothers. On PD it was said that Jay hadn’t spoken to his father in years since their mom had passed. Yet, when Papa Halstead showed up on Med, it was Will who had problems with him, but Jay seemed totally cool with his Pops. Makes no sense. One Chicago is one world. So why don’t the timelines add up? I get that scheduling for crossovers is a nightmare, but they should try and do a better job at making sure everything lines up.

So to summarize, the PD finale was incredibly disappointing. I’m obviously happy it got renewed, but can’t help but feel annoyed that it gets a fall premiere and Med doesn’t. Med by far had the best writing of all the shows this season! It deserves better than a mid season (or later) premiere…and let’s not forget Justice still hasn’t been renewed! I’m so pissed and am tweeting at NBC like crazy! Those guys deserve a full 22 episodes!

Alright, I’ll end my rant…summer hiatus is gonna be tough. I’m hoping for lots of fan fiction to read (hint hint writers😜).

Happy Summer my fellow ChiHards! Love to you all!

[josephborrello]

Magnitude and Direction, Issue #34 | 31 May 2019

Hardware, Prototyping, and Fabrication

 Via Low-Tech Magazine (via The Prepared): A comprehensive guide on how to build a low-tech, self-hosted, and solar-powered website. I didn't even know Low-Tech Magazine was a thing until now and it looks like a wonderful repository of future hardware shares for M&D.  Zipper Rescue's "Zipper Wizard" is a must-have for your pre-travel checklist when, inevitably, your suitcase zipper will get stuck, or broken, or worse. at some point. (Also, I'm sad there's no zipper emoji - the Unicode Consortium needs to get on this.)  A few weeks ago, in the 2019 edition of Yale's DISTILLED magazine, I wrote an article about 3D printing guns and said, among other things, that we're not going to be able to use DMCA-style rules and safeguards to halt their proliferation. As this Wired article details, it looks like I was right about that, which makes my DISTILLED argument - that we should be focusing on the development of new digital manufacturing forensics - all the more important. The digitized articles aren't up on DISTILLED's website yet, but in the meantime, if you want to read my original article, check out my crosspost on Medium.  You might want to avoid using the models of Master locks featured in this video; they all have some pretty gaping security issues that allows them to be improperly opened even faster than they're opened with their keys or combinations.

Software and Programming

🏻‍ Contrary to the Hollywood portrayals, computer hacking exploits human shortcoming more often than it does computer shortcoming (ref. the below comic). Turns out the same logic applies to the companies that help you get out of ransomware attacks (like 2017's WannaCry). How do they do it? Just pay the hackers - no technical wizardry here. This simple solution can have some pretty unsavory consequences, though. Aaaand, we're back with another deepfake. This time it's an eerily realistic imitation of podcaster (and former Fear Factor host) Joe Rogan. ✂ If you enjoy making stamps out of your face in Instagram or Snapchat, but have been looking for something... more, then check out Weird Cuts, which is pretty much the same thing, but in 3D augmented reality. 🏽‍♀️🏾‍♀️🏿🏻 S.H.E. (the Search Human Equalizer) is a browser extension dedicated to helping un-bias search results away from their current male-leaning outcomes. I can't speak to what Google search results look like for my female colleagues, but boy oh boy the differences for me were pretty striking, and improved for the better with this extension.

Science, Engineering, and Biomedicine

⚠ Animal warning calls is something I'd wager we're all familiar with, but I never even thought to consider that some animals might give different kinds of warning calls based on the approaching thread. A recent study of Titi monkeys shows just that: by combining different calls in different patterns, the monkeys produce a probabilistic message regarding the danger. 🏽 The nose on Japan's new experimental bullet train might look comical, but it's there to reduce the serious aerodynamic issues that can arise when your train is going 1/3 the speed of sound (wouldn't that be a nice problem to have, America?).  It looks like being a "dog person" isn't just a trait we acquire over time - in part, at least, it runs in our genes. 🤧 If you've ever felt like waking up sick felt different than getting hit with the same symptoms in the evening, you're not alone. Our immune systems are linked to our bodies' circadian rhythms and the implications for diseases can be pretty significant.

Mapping, History, and Data Science

 From M&D reader Jeremy, Fulton History is a repository of digitized newspapers from the US and Canada, dating back to the 1800s and comprising over 45 MILLION pages. I definitely wouldn't have had the patience to do that, but Tom Tryniski did. 🏽‍♀️ Apparently, the margin notes of an archibishop's register from the 14th century tell the tale of a nun who faked her own death and left a life-like dummy in her wake in order to get out of the convent she lived and worked in. And you though you hated your job. ⛰ Game of Thrones may be over, but people still have plenty to say about it. Among the critical analyses and season 8 re-write petitions, though, is this (in my opinion) much more interesting work by a pair of geologists from Austrailia who build a tetonic plate model of the World of Ice and Fire spanning 600 million years of continental drift. Suffice it to say, I love this. 🏽‍♀️ By and large, crime in cities around the world is on the decline. But if you use "police scanner" apps like Citizen or Nextdoor you're likely getting a very different, largely incorrect picture. It's one of the many unforeseen consequences of having unfathomable amounts of information delivered to us constantly, and it's the topic of tomorrow's Moment of Inertia.

Events and Opportunities

Summer is unofficially here, but that doesn't mean anyone is slowing down.

Tuesday, 6/4 Prototyping firm Fictiv has released their 2019 State of Hardware report (which I contributed to!) and now they're doing a road show bringing together local hardware communities and talking about the results. This coming Tuesday, they'll be at Kickstarter HQ for a meetup and discussion.

Wednesday, 6/5 The Life Sciences NYC meetup group hosts Dr. Carlos Cordon-Cardo, Chair of the Mount Sinai Health System Department of Pathology, for a discussion on the emerging field of digital pathology.

Thursday, 6/6 Join the Nanotech NYC meetup at their new monthly Nanonite Social! Whether you are a student, scientist, engineer or just curious about what nanotechnology is and how it's used, you're more than welcome to join the group. Heck, even if you aren’t a nanotech enthusiast and want to just get to know new people, come on by, it's a friendly group!

Saturday, 6/8 The next Music Community Lab hackathon explores the relationships between movement and music. The hackathon is on 6/8, but be sure to apply by 5/22 - space is limited!

Monday, 6/10 Join the NYU Rudin Center for Transportation Policy & Management for a discussion on the future of micromobility (think bike- and scooter-sharing services) in New York City.

Tuesday, 6/11 The Mid Atlantic Bio Angels have their next 1st Pitch competition. Always a great opportunity to connect with local up-and-coming biotech startups as well as the wider life science community in NYC.

Wednesday, 6/12 The NYC life science community will gather at the Alexandria Center for the Life Science Innovation Showcase, featuring 25 of the city's most promising up-and-coming biotech entrepreneurs.

Thursday, 6/13 Join JLABS and Ethicon for a discussion about the challenges, pathways, and pitfalls around bringing a medical device to market.

Friday, 6/14 NYDesigns is launching a new hardware startup accelerator program (which may be a first for the NYC area??) for fall 2019. Learn more about how to apply and what benefits there are at a lunchtime info session at NYDesigns.

Some other upcoming events to keep on your radar...

Monday, 6/17 Join The City College of New York Master’s in Translational Medicine, in partnership with the AAAS-Lemelson Invention Ambassadors for a discussion around the way academic institutions can promote opportunities for students and faculty to invent and develop entrepreneurial endeavors as well as the ways invention itself can open doors for more people to become inventors.

Wednesday, 6/19 Astronomy on Tap's next event waxes historical with musings on the impact of science on events around the world andacross time.

Thursday, 6/20 JLABS celebrates 1 year in New York with a pitch competition some of the area's most promising local talent.

Thursday & Friday, 6/20-21 The Biodesign Challenge Summit 2019 on June 20th and 21st at Parsons School of Design and the Museum of Modern Art brings together 36 teams from 9 countries to present their visions for the future of biotechnology. Use code SUMMITVIP115 for a free pass.

Wednesday, 7/17 The Society for the Advancement of Social Studies has returned after a long hiatus (they were still involved in the Art History Happy Hours at the Brooklyn Museum, to be fair) and is back in a new home and with three great talks about Manhattan-themed history.

Map of the Month

 It only has the years 2011 to 2013, but this map of all the filming locations in NYC is pretty fun to explore. On my block during that period, one movie was filmed: New Year's Eve staring well..., a bunch of people.

Odds & Ends

 If you're a reader who frequently makes it to the end of M&D, then maybe you're also the kind of reader who would be interested in this digitized collection of the tape cassettes that were played in (all?) KMarts for background music between 1989 and 1992.