#also LOVE him for adding lyrics even though they are absolutely devastating but already used to crying to his songs so

[nicoscheer]

The post

[vickyvicarious]

RIGHT away, this is devastating. The vain determination to hold on to something in "I know there is sunrise because I am a sailor," - oof. Also, the fact that the fog is so thick he can't see the sunrise at all is awful.

Then, when he says "I dared not go below, I dared not leave the helm," all his uncertainty and just how lost and afraid he is truly comes out. I love how soft his voice gets.

"so here all night I stayed, and in" he's so good at using this little half chuckle to make me very distressed for him. Here he's laughing at himself once again, what a fool he was for not understanding, once again he was a fool to have any hope that he would be alone now and no more deaths would follow...

"in the dimness of the night I... saw... Him." CHILLS. soooooo creepy, sooooo well done.

The way he says "no man can object" just hits so hard, it feels somehow like an apology to the mate in a way even more than the line saying he was right did.

"But I am captain, and I must not leave my ship." ABSOLUTE BANGER OF A LINE. GOD. I knew it would be, but. Oh my god. He's choking up, how he almost fades away on captain, how his voice shakes somewhere between helpless laughter or tears but helpless either way. I love the long shaky breath before this line, building up his resolve. And then how he just sits with it for a couple seconds afterward, quiet, as the music grows stronger (I love the music)

And he comes back determined. He can do so little, but he will do it. He will baffle this monster in whatever way he can, he will protect his own soul though he couldn't protect any others, and he will keep his honor as well. He won't let this monster take what little he has left.

(I think part of the next line is missing, since it goes right to "-ight is coming on")

His determination holds strong, but his final lines show that this isn't a dramatic last stand, full of heroic vim and vigor. It's a long, aching, terrifying standoff, trapped alone with a monster who has killed everyone else, who has taken away the very sun, alone with only the God that the Captain already feared had abandoned him as any sort of comfort at all. He's scared and worn and he doesn't have any real hope left but he will cling to his role as captain, when nothing else is left. Dracula's laugh coming right after "God and the Blessed Virgin and the saints" and then echoing over "help a poor ignorant soul trying to do his duty...." makes it all even worse, because even as they are invoked the Count laughs about it, seemingly proves that they aren't here, they can't stop him. No one is going to help this poor, ignorant soul; and Dracula finds the idea of him trying to still do his duty hilarious.

(For now at least. If the Captain's theory on "what he may not touch" is correct then I'm sure that will annoy Dracula plenty when it stops him getting to the helm/his last victim.)

SEA SHANTY!!!!!!!! I knew it would come but!!!! So exciting. And the lyrics are so morbid. Here's a trick to catch a ___. Adding in the soft waves in the background, the way the "oo-ooh" gets more uneasy as it goes along, how they get less unified, how they start to fade away, individual voices become more distinct. And that ending is so good.

DRACULA SINGING AT THE END OMG, I HATE YOU SO MUCH SIRRRR (delighted)

[sunsetinmyvein]

The Radio Station - Chapter Six - Why Can’t We Be Friends?

26th of November, 2018

  Eventually, she saw it all unfold in the headlines. The lies. The heroin. The trip to rehab. It was devastating to discover the root cause of Matty’s behaviour in such a disconnected way from how she might’ve expected to discover it a few years ago. A part of her wanted to reach out, to check in and see if he was doing all right, offer to help, but she suspected after their last two interactions that maybe she was better off just leaving it. However, in contrast to the sinking feeling from knowing he had been going through such turmoil, it was incredibly uplifting to see him getting back on his feet. For him to be writing and releasing music again meant that he must’ve successfully made it to the other side. Whenever the announcement of a new album came, she waited in anticipation for the email confirming that he’d be coming back on the show. She wasn’t entirely sure if she was excited at the thought of seeing him again, or absolutely dreading the prospect of things still being uncomfortable between them - her emotions seemed to regularly flip flop between the two. It was awfully close to the album release date when she finally got the confirmation from her boss; she had begun to suspect maybe he didn’t want to come back on the show after how they’d left things. He’d have every right to resent her after how she’d treated him.

 She was knocked out of her thoughts whenever she heard a soft knock at the door, turning in her chair to see Matty standing outside with a sheepish smile, having arrived early. His hair was cropped quite a bit shorter than she’d seen it before but he was still sporting his natural curls. He was wearing some puffy yellow coat over a plain shirt, and stock standard worn out blue jeans. It was probably the most… average, that she’d ever seen him look (not that average was ever a truly fitting word to describe Matthew Healy). She waited for him to push the door open and come in, but he seemed to be waiting for her to let him in. As she stood up and opened the door, and he gingerly made his way inside and loitered next to her desk for a minute, she was suddenly vividly reminded of the first time she’d met him. All she could see was the nervous twenty-three-year-old that she’d met six years ago, who was scared shitless about his first proper radio interview. The nostalgia hit like a freight train, and before she could give it a second thought she grabbed him in a tight hug.

  He hugged her back, pressing his face into her shoulder as he let out the breath he had been holding. “I’m sorry…” She said quietly after a moment.

He gave an incredulous laugh at that, “You’re sorry? For what?” He asked. “I was the dickhead.”

“I just…” This hadn’t really been the way she expected herself to instantly react, nor had she thought of anything to say in this situation. Her mouth was running dry trying to come up with the right words to explain what she was feeling. “I wasn’t exactly a good friend.”  

“I think we were both a bit guilty of that.” He chuckled as he ran a hand through his hair, taking a step back.

“I should’ve tried harder.” She tried to explain, frowning at herself as she floundered for the right sentiment.

“It’s fine, truly.” He reassured her. “I wouldn’t have told you what was happening, anyway. Nobody knew.” He added with a shrug.

  They took their seats opposite the desk, both feeling slightly relieved but well aware there was still tension surrounding them. “Uh, is there anything you want me to avoid asking about?” She asked eventually, busying herself with checking the text line to avoid looking directly at him.

“No.” Matty replied instantly. “I’d prefer you ask what you want to rather than censor yourself for my benefit. I won’t answer it if it’s too much.” He clarified. “Thanks for checking, though.”

“Are you…” She hesitated, unsure of the boundaries of their friendship now and how much she should be asking for her own curiosity. “Are you all right now?” She asked as she looked across to him.

He cracked a small smile, “Considerably better. Probably not all the way there yet, though. It’s hard with my girlfriend back at home for the moment, but I’m managing. Keeping busy with other stuff to stay occupied.” He answered truthfully. She nodded in understanding. “And you? It’s been at least three years since we’ve had a proper conversation.” The realisation of how long it had actually been stung slightly, but she ignored that feeling and instead focused on the fact that he seemed to genuinely want to know how she’d been.

“Good.” She grinned. “Doing well on the morning slot now that it’s been a few years.”

“You’ve been making a bit of a reputation for yourself over here, I hear your name get kicked around a bit when I’m at home. It’s nice to see you getting proper recognition for your efforts.” She tried her best not to blush at the subtle compliment.

 Thankfully she didn’t have too long to dwell on his kind words and any connotations behind them before the interview started. The nervous butterflies sat at the pit of her stomach as she switched the live audio and video feeds over, lying in wait in case the interview still felt as awkward and forced as the last two.

“Matty, great to have you back.” She spoke, clearing her throat slightly.

“Great to be back after so long.” He said cheerfully.

“The 1975 release their new record in six days, A Brief Inquiry into Online Relationships-”

“Only six days?” He muttered to himself in slight disbelief.  

“We’ve only got a relatively short interview today, because after this you are heading straight into the live lounge to play a few tracks for us.” He made a noise of agreement. “We’ve heard five singles off it, all of which sound very different from one another in true 1975 fashion.” Matty laughed lightly at that. “And I noticed that you did the same thing with this album as what you did with I Like it When You Sleep; the first single you released was the first track on the album. Is this becoming a habit for you guys?” She asked.

“Probably not a habit.” He started, letting out a huff. “It just felt like the most natural thing to do. Whether it felt like a primary statement or not, I’m not sure. We’d already made an album by that point, we hadn’t made a group of singles. I hadn’t been thinking ‘oh, how do we butter them up?’ Just thought… this is the first song on the record. Put it out.” He shrugged.

  “Do you think this is your strongest record so far?”

“A hundred percent.” He answered instantly.

“I’ve heard people comparing it to OK Computer. Saying that it’s a similar thing for the millennial generation.” She prompted.

He let out a groan, “I try not to think much about it.” He admitted. “I mean, what do I say? It’s so humbling and amazing, but strange also, because… the only realisation that I really came to, about the record – I think the reference to OK Computer is maybe it’s kind of, the narrative is incredibly twinned with how we communicate and the internet and all those kind of things. Which is obviously OK Computer in a nutshell. My favourite records are about life.” He said, clenching his fist for emphasis and knocking the microphone lightly. “It’s maybe a bit of a big thing to say, but I was just writing a record about relationships. Well… I wasn’t even doing that; I was just writing a record. And it turns out if you’re trying to write an honest record about relationships and how they’re mediated in the modern day, you’re kind of by proxy writing about the internet.” He explained. Things already felt more natural than what they had of late. Matty felt more open and responsive, which instantly put her mind at ease.

  “One of the other singles that we’ve heard from the album is Love It If We Made It, which is…” She tried to pick her words carefully to best capture her thoughts on the song succinctly, “a pretty powerful song to say the least.”

Matty nodded enthusiastically before answering, “The thing with Love It If We Made It… it was very, very difficult to write. It’s a list of information. The idea stemmed from the fact that over a year we collected tabloid newspapers every day to make the lyrics. Unfortunately, when we got to trying that, it was too slapstick. The song was hard to get right. It needed to be as objective and as fair and as anti… ‘watch out sheeple’ as possible. And that’s hard to do.”

“It seems you guys did a good job with it in the end. It’s been resonating well with our listeners.”

“Thanks.” Matty grinned proudly.  

“It’s Not Living If It’s Not With You has also had quite the response.” She added, hoping he’d have a bit to say about that, and that maybe it could work as a segue to the questions blowing up her screen in her peripheral vision.

“It’s… I don’t know…” He sighed, staring blankly at the wall behind her as he tried to formulate an answer. “The way I always explain it, it’s like it’s a song that sounds poppy but it’s about something serious. Which, okay, that’s straight up 1975. And that’s because the feeling that I get from music, narratively or musically, can kind of be the same thing. You know like being nervous or being like, er, anxious for a date, physically could be the same feeling as the fear of heights if you get rid of all the intellect. Emotionally, you get the same thing. I’ve always been like, I get this feeling when I read the lyrics of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen but I get the same carnal feeling when I hear the music to Girls Just Want to Have Fun. So… the synthesis of those ideas has just been the most obvious thing in the world for me, you know what I mean?” He looked across to her for confirmation. “I think that idea really sums up The 1975. If you’re a big fan of The 1975, that’s the most 1975-iest song on the record.”

  She had hoped he would jump straight into the lyrical content of the song, but clearly she would need to segue into it herself. “That totally makes sense.” She agreed. “There’s been a bit of a debate about the subject matter of It’s Not Living.” She said, giving him a cautious glance. He’d said not to worry about asking whatever she wanted to, but that didn’t stop her from feeling like she was delving too deep into his private life.

He hummed thoughtfully. “I’m pretty sure most of the fans know what it’s about.” He said with a dry laugh. “I’ve not like… done some big reveal of my relationship with drugs over the past couple of years. I think that because…” He stared down at the desk with a frown, “I used to have nightmares about being exposed. Because remember, my whole game has always been that ‘do I know that you know that I think that I’m a rock star?’ that’s always been my whole thing.” He said with a pointed look. “So, the idea though, of actually being known for being a junkie and doing those kinds of things, used to terrify me. Because then I’m a cliché. I lose all of my irony and lose all of my funniness because I’m an actual cliché. So, I think even when I’m talking about it on this record, I’m still going ‘Danny ran into some complications-’ it’s like I’m using characters. It’s a bit like somebody going ‘I’ve got this mate, right, and he’s got a bit of this weird rash-’ “ He chuckled. “Like ‘yeah, all right, well tell your mate-’ it’s like we know who you’re talking about. I think the idea that I’m still trying to hide and remove myself from it is part of the gag. But then the chorus is brutally honest. It’s difficult to write a song like that. It’s hard to despise the idea of fetishizing or romanticising drug use as a behaviour but then only having my truth. Like I don’t have anything else, I don’t have anywhere else to talk about it. There is a hopelessness to drug addiction. You don’t keep doing it because it’s cool, you keep doing it because you feel like there’s no life without it.” His expression seemed to become quite sombre at that before he continued his train of thought. “And to express that… it wasn’t like a relief for me. The music is a catharsis for me, but it wasn’t like I needed to get that out. Unfortunately, I’m only my set of experiences, and they’re pretty limited as somebody who’s been on the road for four years trying to mediate his life through drug addiction, y’know? So yeah… it’s difficult to walk that line. Um… But I just had to make sure that… like with most of my work, any discussion of my behaviour is normally with a profound distaste. And kids are smart, man.”

  She hadn’t really expected him to be so open about it so readily. “What started it?” She asked instinctually, almost forgetting for a moment that she was at work and meant to be providing entertainment. “If you don’t mind me asking.” She added as an afterthought.

He waved a hand dismissively at her worry. “I’d be on stage, and there would be however many thousands of people. And I’m genuinely trying to connect with people, you know? And then it’s done. Go back to the hotel room. Go to sleep. Like… what?” He answered with a frustrated huff. “I was trying to change culture in my head ten minutes ago and now I’ve gotta go to sleep? I used drugs to go to sleep primarily. I’ve never had a good relationship with sleep, anyway… I’ve always been jealous of people they’ll tell me about a dream and they’ll kind of like explain this little kind of film that they’ve been that has a dynamic of emotions and it was up and it was down and my dreams are just like terror. Just fear. I’ve never had that many good dreams. And drugs stop you dreaming. But then obviously… you have solutions to get rid of that post-show buzz. Didn’t really get me anywhere. Spoilt it, as well. Did way too much. Did loads of it.” He admitted. “So, I can’t do anymore of it… when I’m older.” He laughed.

  “So, you became reliant on that as a comedown?” She questioned.

“It was always gonna happen with me with opiates.” He said bluntly. “I only say this in case people relate to it, but like, when I was younger, I kind of used to dream about being sedated. And unfortunately, sex, drugs, other things, religion, I’ve loved all these things in my life but they’ve never just-” He clicked his fingers, “turned it off. And unfortunately, when I tried those drugs, I – temporarily, for a moment – had that. And I was like, right, this is gonna help. And erm,” He picked at his nail anxiously. “It just takes your shine off, slows you down. Makes you lie, which is a nightmare for somebody who is so Mr Tell The Truth.”

“The lies are what got you caught?”

He made a noise of contemplation. “The problem is… I’m very, very lucky, is what I am. And I have an infrastructure around me of like… we’ve been a band since we were fourteen, I’m twenty-nine, right.” He said with a pointed look in her direction. “We’re like brothers, we love each other. I have amazing opportunities like this,” He gestured around the studio, “I have my health, I have all these things. There’s not a lot of people around me who allow stuff like… hard drug use. And that’s really annoying when you’re a drug addict. But it also makes you reflect, you know what I mean? Because you just end up lying, and being a version of yourself that- but that’s part of the sickness. You incentivise things weirdly.” He explained with a shrug.

  “And the rehab centre you went to was in Barbados?” She asked. He nodded in response. “I heard that the band paid for that?”

His expression visibly softened when she brought that up. “Yeah. I think the nice story was that uh… Obviously, I’m in a fortunate place in my career that - obviously I have to think about those kind of financial things - but before I went I was kind of thinking ‘I’ll sort that out when I’m out there’ and then I remember saying to Jamie ‘oh-‘ and he was like ‘aw nah, nah, it’s all sorted’ and I was like ‘Oh, how much did it - what was it?’ and he was like ‘oh, well we just did it out the band’ and I was like ‘oh really??’ “ He seemed visibly touched by this story, even retelling it now.

“That was pretty amazing of them to do.”

“Yeah… Yeah, it was.” He muttered, still clearly caught up in his own thoughts. “And you know what, if you want a band to last forever, share.” He added simply.

  “And this place you went to, supposedly they do a bunch of stuff with horses?” She asked in confusion. When she had heard this information, she was almost certain she had gotten her wires crossed, but Matty was already confirming what she had said.

“Equine therapy, yeah! It was, basically…” He started trying to explain, before cracking a smile and looking across to her. “In reality what it was, for the first two or three days was me stood in a field rolling my eyes next to a horse.” He said with a laugh. “That’s what it was really. This guy put me in a field with a horse and was like ‘talk to the horse’ so I’m like” He gave a sarcastic look, “ ‘…all right?’ So, he leaves me alone and I’m like ‘hey man’ and the horse obviously didn’t say anything.” She couldn’t help but laugh at the image. “And then he put me in the round pen, right. He put me in this pen which was just round – was a good explanation of it.” He reprimanded himself with a snort. “And I stood in the middle, and basically he said ‘I want you to walk towards the horse. It’s gonna send the horse around in a loop, and I want you to assert your position. You’re not going to get the horse. You’re just telling the horse that this is where you’re going’. All this stuff. So, I do it. And he goes ‘you’ll notice three things, at one point the horse will dip its head, then it’ll bow its ear to you, then it’ll start biting its lips. Once it’s done these three things, I want you to turn your back and drop the rope.’ So, I’m like right, lips, thing, do this, yep. And the horse is running, the horse is running, I watched for these three cues, and I dropped the rope and I turned round. The horse stopped dead.” He clapped his hands together for emphasis, staring at her seriously.

  “I swear to you, it was one of the most profound moments of my life. The horse stopped dead, came over to me and stood behind me – and this is a horse that for three days had mugged me off. And I was… stood there with this horse, that now… wanted to be with me?” He seemed entirely perplexed by this. “Then when I walked it wouldn’t cross my feet,” He gestured to his feet as he said this, knocking his microphone in the process. “Sorry, I keep hitting the microphone. Way too gesticulated today. Erm, when I went into the field and hung out with it, it wanted to be with me. And then I stood there and was like ‘Ah… Right…’ Then all of these profound things… It was so…” He tried his best to find the words. “It ate everything it needed to eat, and didn’t complain about it, and didn’t eat too much of it, and ate the right stuff. It had the ability to destroy anything it wanted, but the desire to hurt nothing. It was physically perfect and strong. It was forgiving with its time with me. And it was kind of compassionate in a way, ‘cause he’s a horse, he doesn’t want me there, he just wants to be a horse. But he let me be there.” It was abundantly clear how much of an impact this experience had on Matty. He spoke about it so passionately that it was hard not to feel moved by what he was saying. “I found myself envying all of these human qualities in a horse. And I think that was the point of it…” He said with a look of finality. “At least, I hope that was the point of it. Otherwise I’ve screwed it up and learned nothing.” He laughed loudly. “But it worked for me.”

  “How are you finding it? Being off the drugs?” She asked, leaning back in her seat after having been leant forward in interest for the last few minutes as he told his story.

He pulled a face as he tried to answer that in a manner suitable for a mass radio audience. “I mean… I wouldn’t say I’m this ‘beacon of sobriety’ “ He punctuated that with air quotes, “that’s kind of, telling you how it is to be an ex addict. I don’t know.” He answered sincerely. “I’ve not gone long enough. I’m not gonna start talking about ‘I haven’t done drugs in five years - ten years’ it was only a few months ago. I was still doing loads of them.” He said as he scratched at his neck.

“Is it harder now without them?”

“I don’t sleep as good as I used to with it, but I’m getting by.” He replied with a nod. “I’m all right with sleeping now. The band and my girlfriend have been really supportive and helpful. I’m doing all the things now that I used to do when I took drugs all the time. So, I’ve just made a record without doing it all the time,” He ticked that off on a finger, “so that was an experience, that was a challenge. I’ve now started touring without doing it all the time,” He ticked that off as well, “that’s an experience, that’s a challenge. I’m now about to start getting on planes all the time and touring internationally,” He added that to the list, “that’ll be a challenge. But you’ve just gotta take it day by day as the cliché says, or you’ll freak yourself out.”

  “You talk about drugs pretty freely in your music, but you don’t really speak about it in interviews, was that to try and stay… disconnected from it to some degree? Did you think it was going to get as bad as it did?” She asked. She had entirely tuned out of the fan questions being sent in now, asking these questions almost purely from her own curiosity to know what had happened to the Matty she knew.

“No, no, no… I didn’t. I mean, I think the thing that I think I always have confidence in is that because I’ve – regardless of if it’s drugs or relationships - the main thing I’ve done with The 1975 is spoken about myself with kind of quite a profound disdain.” He answered. “There’s not really been a celebration of the behaviour. I think that if I was ever romanticising or fetishizing the use of drugs, I think I’d catch myself doing it. And if I ever have done that in a lyric, it will be immediately met with a lyric that shows that one up to be ironic or flawed.” He elaborated. That made sense. Most of his songs did reflect that attitude. “I’ve just had to be honest. Religion allows you to kind of give something away, sex, exactly the same thing. They’re just ways of giving up some kind of responsibility in the moment. But by that point I’d done ‘em all!” He grinned, still trying to keep the mood light despite the heavy topic. “Drugs was the only one left.”

  She stared at him for a moment, just taking in all of the information he’d given her in such a short timeframe. It was a lot to process all at once, but it made a lot of the pieces click into place and answered a lot of questions that had kept her up at night when they had lost contact. Eventually she clocked back into reality, seeing that he was watching her just as intently as she had been watching him while he had divulged some of the most intimate aspects of his life.

“So, to a lighter note-” She segued.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind talking about it.” He said with a chuckle.

She smiled back at him, “I’m sure our listeners have enjoyed hearing it all in such great detail. But, there are some other big events that have been happening in your life as well that we haven’t brought up.” She said.

“Oh?”

“The 1975 will be headlining Reading and Leeds next year.”

“Yes!” He beamed. “It’s our first big headline festival. It gets me proper emotional. We didn’t just go as kids, after I got to thirteen, Christmas took a back seat and the date on my calendar was Reading and Leeds. I went one year with a tenner and no tent. I mean, I’ve had some moments there. It’ll definitely be a very humble show. All of this ego and confidence here will be gone.” He scoffed, “ ‘Honestly guys, thanks so much for coming.’ ” He said in a feigned blubbering emotional voice, before giggling at himself. “But like, we’ve just become a really good band in my opinion. I think we could headline Reading and Leeds tomorrow if you asked us to.”

  “Are you particularly excited to have content off the new album to perform there?”

“Definitely. There are some songs on there that will be added into the festival setlists. It was about creating a distillation of what preceded it. Everything needed to be better, more extreme. Poppy bits poppier, heavy bits heavier, honest bits more honest.” He explained with a nod. “You can look at your work and be like ‘what did I do there that someone likes’ or ‘let’s try and do that piano thing’. Me, when I’m like, really personal, really honest, that’s when I get the best reaction. So, I just tend to do that. Like what’s gonna make me, y’know-“ He started pretending to tear up for emphasis.

“And you guys are already working on the next album, Notes on a Conditional Form? This one’s not even out yet!”

He just laughed. “We went away and what happened was, we finished A Brief Inquiry, kind of had a week off and then we started with Notes. I’m just letting it happen.” He shrugged. “I’m letting it happen in the next six months. It’ll be before…” He seemed to be doing some calculations in his head. “August. It has to be in time for Reading and Leeds.” He added decisively.

  Glancing down at the clock on the screen next to her, she could see that they had in fact gone over time. “Well, as always Matty, it’s been lovely having you on the show, but I think we have to wrap it up so you can scoot over to the live lounge and get yourself set up.” She said with a small sigh, disappointed that the interview had to end after how well it had been going. Matty had felt entirely captivating as he spoke today, clearly on his game.

“God, this’ll be the first time we’ve played together in… ages.” He said as he pulled a hand through his hair and leaned back into his chair. “And we’ve not played these songs live yet, either. This will be the debut.”

“Incredibly exciting.” She nodded. “So, I’ll let you go. Tune in folks in half an hour, The 1975 will be playing a short set for us of songs from their new album, A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships, in the live lounge.” She spoke into the microphone, before rounding out the interview.

  Matty didn’t move from his chair across from her as she switched the camera feed off and switched over to the next round of tracks.

“Are you coming?” He asked as soon as she took her headset off. “To the live lounge?” He clarified.

Her shift was meant to end in just over twenty minutes, and they started in thirty. She could probably finish up quickly enough to make it down there in time. “Yeah, I can do that.” She said with a nod.

He grinned eagerly, “It’ll be wicked to have you there for it.”

“It’s probably about time I saw you guys play.” She laughed as he stood up.

“I’ll see you shortly.” He said over his shoulder as he made his way out of the studio.

  * * *

 By the time she made her way down to the live lounge quite a crowd had already formed. Her handover between shifts had been fairly rushed in an attempt to get out of there quickly, but obviously The 1975 knew how to draw an audience. She managed to squeeze her way through a few crew members to get a decent enough viewing point. Whenever she caught Matty’s gaze, he waved at her excitedly. She waved back, suddenly feeling a bout of nerves at the thought of finally watching him in action. Once the cameras were set up and all of the equipment had done one final round of checks, they launched into quite a boppy first song. She recognised this instantly as Tootime, as it had been her favourite of the singles that were released. He sounded a bit rusty and raw, which thankfully he could cover with the filter over his voice, but his enthusiasm to be performing again was unmistakable. The looks he was throwing to his band were nothing short of ecstatic, and despite being out of practice they played the song flawlessly. They finished up the first song, and he shrugged off his yellow jacket as they changed their gear over for the next two. Their little live set was only three songs long in the end, but they felt It’s Not Living and Sincerity Is Scary were excellent choices to best get across the vibe of the new album. After seeing what they could do in a tiny room with minimal fanfare, she was suddenly kicking herself for never getting out to one of their live shows.

  When they had wrapped up the set, Matty started packing away his gear before seeing her starting to leave. He quickly dropped what he was doing and called out to her to wait up. She turned to face him, as he suddenly realised that he hadn’t worked out what to actually say. “Look, I’m sorry about… how I’ve been lately.” He eventually settled on.

“It’s okay, you were going through a rough time.” She reassured him.

“I was,” He nodded, “but it’s not really an excuse.” He added with a sigh. “Can I take you out to lunch after this? To apologise properly.” He asked with a hopeful look.

“You don’t have to-” She started, before he interrupted.

“I know I don’t have to - I want to.” He corrected. She considered this offer for a moment. “Please?”

“Sure.” She nodded, trying to conceal her smile. “That’d be nice.”

  She waited patiently as he packed up his gear, feeling slightly awkward for loitering around a studio that wasn’t hers while she watched everyone else clear out. Once everything seemed fairly put away, he exchanged a quiet word with the band and walked over to where she was standing.

“Any preferences for where we eat? It’s your apology lunch, after all.” He said as he slipped his jacket back on.

She grimaced at his choice of words. “Don’t say it like that.”

“Why?” He laughed.

“It makes me feel worse than I already do.”

“Suppose we’ll just feel bad together, then.” He said as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and ushered her back out of the building. She couldn’t deny, it felt nice to be seeing Matty act more like he had when they’d first met. Whether that was because she enjoyed the attention or because it was nice to see her friend feeling more himself was up for debate.

  Due to neither of them being the one to want to make the call about where to eat, for fear of the other not enjoying it, they ended up going to the only place that served food within their direct eyeline – a bakery. It made her feel less like she was taking advantage too for him to only have to pay for pastries and coffee, not a proper fancy meal with drinks. They caught each other up on the fine points of their lives that they’d missed out on hearing over the last few years: highlights in careers, people who’d come and gone, other artists they’d met that had proved to be noteworthy (for good reasons and bad). It was incredibly reassuring for the both of them to know that conversation still flowed easily enough between them when they weren’t actively disliking each other.

“Sorry if the interview was a bit… too personal. We didn’t really talk about the record all that much, in the end.” She said, thinking back to how long they’d spent discussing his drug habits rather than his impending album release.

“Stop apologising.” He said around a mouthful of food. “I’m the one who’s supposed to be saying sorry. And I’m sure the fans would’ve liked it.” He shrugged.

“Yeah, but I don’t want to force stuff out of you for the sake of entertainment.”

“Like I said, I wouldn’t have answered if I didn’t want to.” He reminded her.

  He waited a beat, composing what he had originally wanted to say today before clearing his throat. “I really am sorry, you know. For how I left things.” He said as he stared down into his mug of tea.

“It’s genuinely okay, Matty.” She reassured him. “I wasn’t really any better.” She added under her breath.

“I was just a bit oblivious and hopeful when I fucked stuff up initially. I wanted to act like I hadn’t dropped off your radar for two years.” He admitted as he scratched at the side of his head. “If I’m honest, I was reaching out to get some support from an old mate in a time when I felt pretty overwhelmed by everything that was happening. But I went about it in all the wrong ways and just made it a whole lot worse.” He clarified with a dry laugh. As if she hadn’t already felt bad enough, now he tells her that she’d shut him out when he had been trying to ask for help? The guilt increased tenfold.

“Sorry.” She said. He was about to tell her off again for apologising, but she cut him off. “I was already pretty shitty that I hadn’t seen you in so long, so I was pretty quick to want to end that interaction when things started getting… difficult.” She explained.

  “Guess you live and learn, huh?” He said with a small smile. “At least we’re still mates now.” Hearing him say that helped ease a bit of her worry that she’d done as much to fuck things up as he had. At least now that it was all out in the open, they could move past it.

“Yeah.” She concurred, returning his smile. They finished up the pastries that Matty had bought before stepping out of the bakery. Both of them felt like a weight had been lifted now that they knew they hadn’t screwed stuff up for good between them. Having each said their piece, they were pretty confident that they could give friendship another shot.

“It was great to see you.” He said as he pulled her in for a hug tight enough that it almost made her lose her breath.

“Next time we’ll have to make sure it’s not so long.” She said as he moved back from the hug.

“We’ll keep in touch.” He agreed with a nod. “And I mean it this time.”

Taglist: @imagine-that-100 @ghostlightqueen @tooshhhy @robinrunsfiction @approved-by-dentists

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[recommendedlisten]

It’s been awhile since Recommended Listen has done one of these, but back by popular (content) demand, the weekly Best of the Rest column has returned to highlight the rest of the week’s great music you should know. Leading into it, Massachusetts DIY scene favs Future Teens and Dump Him both tried to figure out ways to move forward while Big Thief are proving to be unstoppable with their creative genius. The return of Vivian Girls is arguably being enjoyed more so the second time around, Chelsea Wolfe’s natural instincts are giving us even more reasons to appreciate her dark art, and NYC post-punks Bodega continue to live up to the promise of being shiny new models. Meanwhile, Field Mouse succeeded at finding meaning in everything as modern punk scene cult hero Chris Faren searched for his within a screen. There’s a lot more to cover here, so let's get down to the music business.

Here’s the best of the rest from the week of August 11th, 2019…

Antagonize - Slip Death EP [Triple B Records]

The last time I saw Aaron Bedard, he was being showered in balloons and kids walking all over each others’ heads as part of the final bow of Bane, the seminal melodic hardcore band who very much helped make the New England hardcore scene what it is today. Bedard returned to the stage a year ago with a new band called Antagonize, and after throwing down some demos and promos, they’ve released their debut EP Slip Death on the great Boston hardcore label Triple B Records this past week (label leader Sam Yarmuth designed its cover art much like he did for the vinyl reissue of the 2001 Bane classic Give Blood.) Bedard’s intensity has not slowed down with the passing of time either. In fact, it’s become exponentially more confrontational as he and the band thrash through fast, visceral existentialist dread. Throw them on a bill with the likes of Fury, Fiddlehead, Turnstile, or any of the countless names coming out of the Triple B roster right now, and Antagonize -- and Bedard -- know exactly what the scene needs at this moment.

Slip Death by ANTAGONIZE

Charli XCX feat. Sky Ferreira - “Cross You Out” [Atlantic Records]

On September 13th, Charli XCX will release her long awaited “proper” third studio effort Charli. Between years of experimental EPs and one-off singles, it’s been awhile since we heard her target her vision for mass consumption with major label approal, and she’s bringing some of music’s most intriguing voices into the fold with her to get that across. We already heard her team with Lizzo on “Blame It On Your Love” and Christine and the Queens for “Gone”. Its latest preview “When You’re Not Around” is one for Twitter pop fandom, however, as it sees Charli XCX joining forces with Sky Ferreira on the A.G. Cook-produced track. The two artists have been heralded as pop music’s most underrated creators for the better part of this decade, so to hear Charli and Ferreira’s paths cross seamlessly into this digital slowburn as they put the collective shit they’ve dealt with personally over the years behind them is a fitting way for it to happen.

Code Orange - “Let Me In” [WWE Music]

At least weekend’s WWE Summerslam, rebooted horror heel Bray Wyatt returned after months of being kept off screen in action with a brand new character persona called the Fiend that saw him evolving from the creepy bayou cult leader of previous and into a psychotic children’s program host who turns into a deranged monster wearing a mask designed by horror film makeup legend Tom Savini. In helping get this new terrifying character’s image over with the crowd and viewers watching was Code Orange, one of the most exciting bands in hardcore and metal going right now, who reinterpreted Wyatt’s old theme “Live In Fear”, a sinister, swampy piece of occult rock originally recorded by Mark Crozier, under its new name “Let Me In” and making it into their own heavy pummeling likeness, adding layers of deeper darkness to Wyatt’s Fiend character in the process. This isn’t Code Orange Kids first foray in soundtracking WWE superstars' themes, as they backed Incendiary’s Brendan Gorrone live as goth anti-hero Aleister Black made his way to ring during NXT Takeover Brooklyn III. Now that Black is on the main roster, inevitably he will cross paths with the Fiend at some point, making you wonder where Code Orange's loyalty will lie...

The Highwomen - “Highwomen” [Low Country Sound / Elektra Records]

The Highwomen -- a.k.a. the country songwriting supergroup of Brandi Carlile, Maren Morris, Amanda Shires, and Natalie Hemby -- are one of the most exciting things to happen to country music this year. On September 6th, they will release their eponymous debut album, and to date, the foursome have proven themselves quickly to be working flawlessly as a well-woven collective where nothing remotely resembling an ego outshine the other in its first coupling of singles “Redesigning Women” and “Crowded Table”. It’s latest is a goosebump-inducing sunset song that hears each member sharing a piece of the narrative that tell a greater story about their ability to overcome all and any hurdle. “We are the daughters of the silent generations / You send our hearts to die alone in foreign nations,” their voices collect in its final moments. “They may return to us as tiny drops of rain / But we will still remain/ And we’ll come back again and again and again.

Miranda Lambert - “Bluebird” [RCA Nashville / Vanner Records]

Beyond the Highwomen, Miranda Lambert is now joining the highly anticipated of new Nashville releases with her seventh studio effort Wildcard, due out on November 1st. Her last effort was the excellently crafted post-divorce catharsis The Weight of These Wings, but judging by the sounds of WIldcard’s first single “Bluebird”, Lambert is getting back to her old high jinks of sorry not sorry whip-smart lyricism and folding them into cool, flawless country-pop. “And if the house just keeps on winning / I got a wildcard up on my sleeve / And  if love keeps giving me lemons / I'll just mix 'em in my drink,” goes its chorus. Lambert’s undefeated streak will likely continue with this as well as her tour behind the LP, which sees her bringing along her Pistol Annies sisters, Maren Morris, and Ashley McBridge along for the ride on select dates for her Roadside Guitars and Pink Guitars tour, kicking off in September.

Octo Octa - “Can You See Me?” [T4T LUV NRG]

Back in July, Octo Octa, the electronic dance outlet of Maya Bouldry-Morrison, dropped “Spin Girl, Let’s Activate”, the leadoff single from her forthcoming third album Resonant Body, set for release on September 6th. The listen was fully in motion with a bright luminosity radiating from with Bouldry-Morrison she says was inspired after a year of tremendous change and personal growth. That expanded energy extends even further in its subsequent listen “Can You See Me?” in which she allows emotions to overflow onto the soundboard through an empath in samples vocals and a cosmic tidal of synth arpeggios running through whichever cracks in its constant break beats they can find. It’s invigorating, and both as a measure of her art and being, there’s really no avoiding Octa Octa’s presence being made known here.

(Sandy) Alex G - “Southern Sky” / “Near” [Domino Records]

Rocket was a very special album in the prolific catalog of (Sandy) Alex G, though it wouldn’t be a surprise if the experimental indie pop wunderkind’s new album House of Sugar, set for release on September 13th, bests it in its own way. So far, we’ve heard the warped and rickety storytale standout “Gretel” and the earnest ode to a friend and place passed on “Hope”, and this past week, he introduced two more in “Southern Sky” and “Near”. The former, which includes an animated video by frequent visual collaborator Elliot Bech, is a country-stained sigh featuring Emily Yacina that hits a similar backwoods bliss that “Bobby” did two years ago, while the latter retreats to pinbacked repetition, wonky loops and samples that warp the canvas with Alex Giannascoli’s signature smeared fingerprints. (Sandy) Alex G will also be touring extensively behind the effort starting this October, with dates featuring the likes of Tomberlin, ARTHUR and Corey Flood.

Taylor Swift - “Lover” [Republic Records]

The last we heard of Taylor Swift was her divisive post-pop call-out Reputation, and with its tinge of industrial bangers and stadium-translating success, it’s safe to say it aged better than what anyone expected upon release. Her new album Lover is on the way next week, and so far, two of its early singles have been absolute dogshit while the other was just so-so. In the streaming era, it comes no surprise that there will be 18 tracks total on the album, which means there’s bound to be some duds. Hopefully they’re more like it’s title track, though. Jack Antonoff seems to be one of the few people who knows what to do with making Swift sound like a breath of fresh air in spite of her missteps in this lash-batting late night bar crawler that is the Jekyll to Swifty’s drunken Hyde. She really could have reverted full-on back to country-pop and easily gotten away with it...

Queen of Jeans - “Only Obvious to You” [Topshelf Records]

The surprises within Queen of Jeans’ sound are unraveling themselves quickly, but in subtle gestures leading up to the dreamy Philly indie-pop band’s release next week of their sophomore effort If you’re not afraid, I’m not afraid. So far, they’ve delivered a devastating blow to the ego in doo-wop form with "U R My Guy” and searched for a way out of a dead end relationship on “All the Same”. “Only Obvious to You” steps away from pastel lights and balloon grandeur, leaving plenty of room fordark space in between two warm bodies for the distance to hit hard. “Love will fuck you over hard,” Miriam Devora repeatedly reminds herself in the listen’s closing moments, and in the listen’s video shot at Philly Pride, they want to do their community a solid by letting it be known that no matter how you love, pain is pain, and your feelings are valid, too. This autumn, they’ll be mending broken hearts on the road alongside tourmates From Indian Lakes.

Whitney - “Used to Be Lonely” [Secretly Canadian]

Someone in Whitney’s camp had to have intentionally planned to have the Chicago country soul duo’s sophomore effort Forever Turned Around be released at the final breaths of summer and the cusp of autumn’s cupping season on August 30th, because “Used to Be Lonely” is the kind of listen that tugs at the heartstrings of both the, uh, lonely and not so lonely, in a way that will make those with someone feel warm gratitude to have someone by their side, and those who don’t romanticize about the day it happens to them. Its accompanying visuals, directed by Austin Vesely, are on point just as well, as it captures a budding romance developing at the kind of midwestern country fair in a small town you’d hit up some weekend in September when you could use a slice of simplicity in your life of how even the most humble moments can feel extraordinary if you’re sharing them with the right person. If not, Whitney will bring it to you when they roll through your city this autumn.

[kyulkyungs]

Time

Character(s): Boo Seungkwan

Genre: Angst >:] + a soulmate!au!!!!

Word Count: 4,123 (aHHH I LOVE DEATH this thing is 7 pages)

Summary: Lets grow old - Until you are eighteen you grow normally, if you do not meet your soulmate before eighteen you will be stuck as eighteen until you can meet them. (The source is no longer available as the blog has most likely deactivated :(… )

A/N: I love soulmate AU’s, and I don’t see a lot of content out there for Seungkwan. I mean, do you see this wonderful, absolutely lovely man? Give him all of your love or so help me !!!! Gosh…… I let this get long……… oops ?

Who knows how long it’s been? How long you’ve been wandering on the face of the earth. Any records of you are so old – some even lost – that you could be considered unidentifiable. It sucked, to be frank. When all of your friends and family found their soulmates, you were able to live such happy times. Going to their weddings, helping setting up anniversaries… seeing them age and grow up.

And here you were: stuck in the body of an 18-year old. Sure, it was kind of weird to see your friends and their soulmates age to their thirties while you stayed behind. Sure, it was funky when your cousin, ten years younger than you, invited you to their wedding with an older face and physique than you. Sure, it was completely devastating and heartbreaking when your family and friends aged until they just couldn’t anymore.

But you were moving on because it’s kind of what you had to do.

You were sure that there were not very many cases like yours. If there were then people didn’t make such a big deal out of it anyways. With new passing faces in your life, you saw the shock on their faces when you told them how old you were turning that year.

In your spare time, you decided to explore the world. Some of your favorite places you had lived in for a couple of years before choosing to continue exploring. Your soulmate wasn’t someone you were focused on finding during that time. The universe would have it’s way eventually. So for now, you tried to entertain yourself. At least you could use the phrase “back in my day” with genuine meaning.

“It’s been a while,” you said, shuffling around a bustling city and looking up at the tall buildings. Korea. How you’ve missed the way the air smells, how the people sound, and how the sun shines here. The last time you’ve been here? Say around two hundred years ago. The last ten years you had spent touching up on your French and enjoying learning some of the slang there. After seeing some scholars gushing about some Korean singers and saying very broken phrases, you told yourself that it was time to revisit Korea. You had avoided Korea for some time due to an unknown reason.

Maybe it was your stubbornness that relearning the now enhanced and changed language would take a while. Maybe it was your falling in love with someone there once, but only to have them find their soulmate right after declaring your feelings. Or maybe it was because you always found something else that seemed more convenient. Like learning the majority of the French dialects were more convenient… It was most definitely the second reason. Besides, when you heard about how great someone’s trip there for a year was, you had to go check out how much had changed.

Well, at least you could dive into yet another language. You could use the change. Plus that one person who lived across from you held parties every other weekend or had someone over to do something. Being semi-immortal meant you lived through and miraculously, and thankfully, survived through various wars. But those parties? No thanks. You’ve had enough screaming and loud banging – pun intended – to last you a lifetime or twenty.

You finally stopped in front of a big building. A few of the nicer apartment complexes in the area. The location was convenient for you. Not too far from a new workplace that accepted you due to knowing quite a handful of languages. The perks of living in different areas for so long without having to worry about losing time. Your soulmate was bound to show up soon, so why not make the most of it until then? The interview over the phone went swell, and the trip you took for only a week to do the interview in person went even better. Yet being here for only a week and for a job interview meant you didn’t have too much time to explore.

So you were lost.

“Do you need help?” The pronunciation was a little different than the dialect you were already used to hearing all around you. It was a young man. His kind smile amazed you, yet it reminded you of the person you fell in love with so long ago. Perhaps that was the reason why.

“I’m looking for this building,” you responded, showing him your phone with a GPS app set onto your new workplace.

“Oh! You can turn right down this road and walk straight. It’ll be there since there are large, striking letters above the front door.” He made hand motions just to be clear, and then bid you farewell after you thanked him. He watched you go down the road just in case someone tried anything or didn’t follow his directions correctly. Then he walked to where he was headed to in the first place.

“I hope to work well with you,” you greeted warmly. The other staff members of the building smiled back at you.

“It’s amazing though. That long, huh?”

Grimly, you nodded. Although by now it would seem that you’d be used to hearing people ask that, you’d laugh in the person’s face who said that. If anything, you absolutely hated it when someone pointed out how long you’ve been roaming the earth because you weren’t able to meet your soulmate.

When would the time come where you could finally meet and pass on? Was there a possibility that your soulmate was in the same condition as you were? Or did the universe make it so that your soulmate would meet you in another time than from the time when you were born?

The universe could be cruel.

The people you met with let you go to take a tour of the building. They had one of the other workers guide you through. After a series of rooms, a series of stairs, and making a stop to the restroom, you were finally introduced to one of the two groups you’d act as a translator for.

The first group was a bundle of rowdy, yet very polite and loving girls. They welcomed you in and even decided to test out how many languages you could speak for them. In a couple practice rooms away, you could hear a lot of yelling and stomping.

“You hear that? That’s the company’s most popular group.” When the two of you walked a little closer to the room, the sound of music was heard along with the shouting. They were counting off the tempo to the music as well as calling out names for corrections. There was a lot more seriousness and intensity compared to the first group that you could feel just right outside the door.

The door opened and both of you walked in, greeting the boys who had taken a break just in time for the sudden interruption. There were a lot of them, that’s for sure. All sweating and panting, hands on their hips or the tops of their heads. They each lined up in greeting, just like how the girls had done. You eyed each of them to get a feel of who you were going to be working with.

“Hey, we met before,” you pointed out. One of the boys shyly nodded and then waved with a small smile. The others looked back and forth and some made noises of realization.

“So that’s who you helped out today? What a coincidence, huh?” The man in question nodded and then puffed up with pride.

“That’s Seungkwan.” The other staff member pointed to your previous aid. You locked eyes with him and when you smiled… it felt right. The other members then introduced themselves and listed their position in the team, even adding in a few jokes. They told you that you’d help out with translating lyrics like you would be with the ten females. After the introduction, you gave a brief demonstration of what you could do for them. Some of them found it amusing while the others found it extremely impressive, when you said a tongue twister to perfection.

“How did you do that? I’ve been working on that since I was a kid!”

You laughed, eyes twinkling when you answered. “Honey. I was the one who thought of it first.”

Your impression lasted on the boys quite a bit, as they often found themselves enjoying their breaks even more when you visited to do a check on vocal practices or recordings. You’d swing by to listen to pronunciation or how the lyrics sound when being read aloud as a sentence. The one person who never failed to impress you was Seungkwan himself. He had clear pronunciation whenever you came to check, and even challenged you when you tried to correct something in a verse by proving to you why the words worked out. When you praised him after a session, he was extremely humble about it. He even told you that it would also be better to praise those to helped him out instead, motioning over to his family.

It was after a single session, where only one member at a time would be practicing with you, was when Seungkwan finally gathered the courage to have a proper conversation with you that wasn’t small talk nor about work.

“When you said you made up that tongue twister a long time ago, did you really?” You nodded, pleased when his eye widened and then he covered his mouth dramatically. He was trying to make you laugh, and it was working.

“I’ve lived here for a long time, so I’ve seen a lot of things pass me by. I made that up when I was watching a street performer chanting something in a peculiar way.” Seungkwan nodded and then thought for a moment.

“So what was the performer saying for you to think of that tongue twister?”

“What? The street performer was setting up. I was thinking about food so I made the tongue twister about food,” you said. Seungkwan laughed and let the joyous melody ring in your ears. You decided that you’d love to keep talking with him more.

Seungkwan worked harder and harder in order to impress and please you. He also wanted to hear your praise and to be able to talk with you after establishing that he did not need much to work on after that lesson. He tried hard for you, and it warmed your heart greatly. Time spent with him was gone way too quickly.

It seemed that you enjoyed your time with him greatly, and he had the same feeling as well.

After a certain practice with him, you found yourself wondering about Seungkwan’s situation. He obviously knew that you were around for a long time, given the story of when you created a well-known tongue twister and the fact that you rarely worried about your appearance when going out to eat with coworkers or newly made friends. But how long had Seungkwan been around?

“Seungkwan,” you called out softly, trying not to startle him when he took a sip of water. He finished and capped the bottle. He motioned for you to go on and you bit the inside of your cheek, wondering if you should ask the question or not. You decided that you would. “Have you met your soulmate yet?”

Seungkwan pursed his lips and darted his eyes around. Eventually he shook his head. “No. It’s been about two or three years.”

You understood what he was referring to. He’s not aged for two or three years, meaning that he was still young, still genuinely young. “You’d be turning twenty or so then.” He nodded and looked off at the wall in a somewhat dazed look. “Did I ask something too personal?” He shook his head this time, even moving his hands in a dismissive, shaking manner.

“Not at all.” He gave you a smile, a smile much softer and more genuine than his smiles he showed you when joking around with the others. This conversation turned more serious and personal, more intimate. He sighed softly and then allowed himself a couple more seconds of looking into your eyes. The atmosphere between the two of you grew intense yet comforting. You were the one to break eye contact first, moving to shuffle some of your notes.

A knock on the door sounded and Joshua peeked in. “Is it my time yet?”

Quickly you collected your things and shuffled the papers some more, only looking up when Seungkwan got up from his seat. He thanked you and then walked out. Joshua took his seat across from you and smiled warmly with his eyes crinkling at the corners. And with that, you began your session with him.

The rest of the following three months you noticed you had grown more tired, but your time spent working with such wonderful people made up for it. Getting up from your seat, you decided it was time for a bathroom break. It was a quick one, where most of the time spent was washing your face. Your eyes had grown slightly bloodshot from lack of sleep. Before you left the bathroom you took a second glance at yourself in the mirror. Something was different. Different than the last time you really checked yourself in the mirror. You moved closer and turned your face this way and that, trying to see what was different about yourself. It was too hard to tell, most likely something subtle and something that would take a while for you to realize. So you left the bathroom.

You bumped into Seungkwan when you exit the bathroom. Literally. He steadied the both of you and made sure you were alright, then sending you another warm smile. “I was just looking for you.”

“Really, now?” You sent a warm smile back, standing comfortably with his presence. You realized earlier on in the months that you found yourself most at ease with Seungkwan. A familiar feeling to when you were truly younger crept it’s way back to you. Something that kind of scared you yet you were ready to embrace. He answered with a nod and then turned his face around, similar to the way you were doing it just minutes ago in the bathroom. 

“Do I look different? The others pointed out that my face looks different than before.” Because he kept moving around and not letting you get a proper look at him you grabbed Seungkwan’s face and made him look at you head on. Under the palms of your hands you felt his cheeks grow warm which in turn made yours as well as your heart warm up too. You removed your hands slowly and swept your eyes across his face. The others were right, there was something different about him. Maybe it was the way his cheeks looked a little smaller than before, or, to put it into better words, he was growing into them. He had less of a baby face than before you noticed. While you were staring at him, Seungkwan had been staring at you as well. “You look different too.”

You hummed, turning his face yourself so you could inspect further. He did the same with you, making it harder on the both of you at some points due to your faces being shown in different directions. He was beginning to get playful with this now. “In what ways do I look different?” He hummed this time.

“Your face.”

“That’s what you’ve been inspecting the last minute or two, yes.” He smiled and stopped moving your face. You followed his lead and stopped as well, leaving your hands on his cheeks just like how he did with his hands.

“I mean your face looks different.” You shrugged, shoulders bumping his arms slightly.

“I think some stress and fatigue have been getting to me lately.” Seungkwan shook his head, loosening your hands even more. Before they fell off he stopped moving, as if he wanted to keep them on.

“It’s not that. Not that at all.” He studied your face again. “You look more mature.” A small spark was felt when you took your hands from his face and placed it over his own. Carefully you moved both pairs of hands away from his. A moment of intense eye contact and then you pulled away. Though you pulled away from him at that moment, you felt like you had just gotten that much closer to him overall.

The next session you had with Seungkwan would be the last for the month before you’d switch schedules and start working with the other members and some of the girls more. Of course, Seungkwan knew this too as he had to be notified so he wouldn’t walk in on an ongoing vocal session with someone else.

“Ready?” You asked with a grin. He nodded and took his place in the seat across from you. He seemed grim and a little disappointed, which you deducted must be from having to not see you for a while. You listened to his pronunciation in lyrics from a different language and corrected him on some parts every now and then. Overall he had improved greatly since your first session with him. It was super awkward at first, but Seungkwan managed to save the both of you by making a joke about how much tension there was in the air and then purposely making fun of himself in an attempt to make you laugh.

Instead he had an earful about how he should not speak badly about himself like that and that you found his awkwardness with you to be quite endearing rather than a pain.

“I have a proposal to make,” Seungkwan said right after you finished writing down the last of your notes before the session. When you looked up from your notes you saw that Seungkwan had his eyes trained heavily on you. He had trapped you. “I still want to see you.” Before you could reply – you couldn’t anyways because you were rendered speechless – Seungkwan grabbed both of your hands and had a desperate look in his eyes. “Please.”

You quickly collected yourself and looked down at his warm hands encasing yours. “Seungkwan, you’ll still see me everyday. I work here.”

“Not just that. I’ll miss you. I don’t want to see you just because of work,” he said. He saw the clear look of confusion on your face and he grew red and looked down suddenly. “I mean… I want to hang out with you more. Outside of work.” You found yourself smiling at the proposed date between the two of you. So you agreed.

The first outing was simply coffee. Seungkwan got himself an americano and you whatever you had decided to drink. The two of you chatted and enjoyed the fine weather that day. Though it was a simple date, you had a lot of fun.

The second one consisted of the two of you cleaning up the practice room together since Seungkwan was the one to lose the rock paper scissors battle this time. Not exactly date worthy, but by the end of the night the two of you had to clean up more than you had originally started with. Hey, who said that mops couldn’t be used as helicopter propellers?

A third date swung around, but the two of you were joined with a couple of the others as well. A fun day at the park where you were invited to film for an ongoing series to let fans know what’s been going on. Seungkwan commented on how well you used the camera considering you had never done so before. He even defended you when the others tried to joke saying that for an old person, you handled technology quite well. Not that you minded, but the thought was appreciated.

A couple of fun times out with Seungkwan later was when you realized that you were looking more different each time you checked yourself in the mirror. It was like before, how you’d notice the subtleties to it. But now it was becoming more and more obvious. You were definitely looking much older. Without really meaning to, you were thrown into a fit of joyous laughter. Had you finally found your soulmate? Seungkwan. Oh, Boo Seungkwan. The polite, gentle, funny, and sassy at times young man who you had grown much closer than you would have thought. Was he your soulmate?

All the feelings you experienced around him you found to be intense. Your feelings back then were intense as well but entirely false. Now? It felt even more intense than from the years prior. You had to tell him. Because if he hasn’t brought it up yet surely he didn’t know. He often found himself speaking his thoughts to you on multiple occasions already, so it must have been that way.

Thinking of a way to tell him without being too blunt, you sat there and racked your brain for ideas. Straight up confrontation would make the situation completely awkward, especially if it was around the other members. You wanted the news to settle in. Using the phone to call or text him… a definite no-no. Maybe… you would write him a note. Perhaps you’d leave it where you know he’d be the first to find and see it. Or give it to him in person. Whichever came first.

The note was simple, a little confession at the sudden revelation. A couple of doodles here and there, much like the doodles you found only on the papers related to the singer himself. Your name was signed at the end of it. That was the note you’d give to him, for sure.

You decided that you would place the note in your desired location now rather than wait and end up not having enough time to plan what to do. You’d put it in the room where you had most of your sessions with the members. Seungkwan liked to sit in the chairs there and warm up sometimes. Otherwise he’d pass through there. The brightly colored note would catch his eyes as it contrasted to the colors around it.

The hallways were pretty empty when you walked through them. A sudden surge of excitement urged you to walk faster. You slowly opened up the door and peeked in, checking to see if anyone was there. You did not hear or see anyone in the room, so you stepped in quietly. Until you heard words that made you freeze.

“I think you’re my soulmate.”

That’s when you saw Seungkwan smiling warmly at Hansol, eyes glossy with unshed tears of happiness. Hansol had grown into a smile as well, reaching to hold Seungkwan’s hand. Had they always been this close? Upon further inspection you found that, yes, both he and Hansol seemed so much more closer than the two of you ever could have been. The twinkling eyes, the warmest of smiles, the flushed cheeks. Something you realized was only felt by you.

Once again, the universe decided to be cruel.

It seemed that Hansol had realized that his connection with Seungkwan was much deeper than he – and both you and Seungkwan – thought it to be. His young face looked more manly than before, and Seungkwan more different than the last time you had gazed at him so intensely. The two were sitting on the couch with wide smiles, wider than you’d ever seen them smile before, with flushed cheeks and fleeting eyes. Hansol had just confessed what he realized to be him having the soulmate connection with Seungkwan.

Time for you was frozen as you watched Seungkwan hug Hansol tightly and then release him, only to hug him again shortly afterwards. They were glowing.

You watched Seungkwan move over a little and cuddle into Hansol’s side, shyly peppering a kiss or two on his cheek. You had just watched the person you had fallen in love with find their true love for a second time. Tuning on your heel, you quietly left the room so you would’t disturb them. The scene of the familiar hallways from years and years and years ago flashed before your eyes. Even the same blurry vision from tears you had refused to let down.

The messily scrawled confession note of words you would be too nervous to say was thrown away in the trash bin near the end of the hall. Eyes were wiped, a quick sniffle was made, and you held your head up high.

Time to move on.

[akria23]

TGD Articles #1

The reason I love The Get Down is not just because its about a part of my own people’s history in this genre of music…but because it’s a metaphorical speak in the image of many artist that’s lived that life coming from a colored, poor, and seemingly broken land. The cultures that represented in this show – they’ve always been at the pinnacle of all the big art forms. Often times that history was erased replaced with the face of someone else, the credit is given to those it didn’t belong to and even when correct credit is given the tale is spun to make it negative – our form of dance was something violent, dangerous or not a real form / our music was/is degrading at best and tasteless at worst / our art was never art just unnecessary incoherent scribbles used only to mark ownership and ruin what was once perfect. Time and time we’re shown that the lighter the flesh the easier the content is to swallow but TGD isn’t about that harsh reality. In fact, these young men and women are to focus on their own moment trying to breathe some life into their own dreams that there's no room for that story. So what happens is we get this ultimate focus on this representation, on this reality that I think isn’t shined on enough for people like these. You have real artist who’ve lived through similar events as these, whose history match. These too are our stories, and TGD remembers that, they remind of that, they teach that to those who hadn’t known.

I’ve been doing this thing lately where I’ve been feeling this need to describe everything by one word and one word only. The only rule was that the word had to not only speak for the entirety of the piece but that it must also trickle down to having more than the one meaning. Sometimes this is difficult…this time it was simple.

Freedom.  

The word has found its place within the story. Its grown so much its become an entity of its own, it’s presence refusing to be ignored, it has weaved its way through characters and threaded itself to the spine of the storyline. Its more than the star gazing and the bird metaphors, it’s the hard lyric dropped on the backbeat and the spray from the can that paints every one of Dizzee’s mottos. Each character’s struggle is one marked by a quest of the word.

Mylene seeks absolution from her Father and his church. Like many of the characters, she desires to use her talent to transcend her from the gutters of rags to riches and class. To be raw, Mylene sole drive is for control, of both her own form and mind and through that her own message in her art. She is the one most driven by this need for the boys have total autonomy over what they perform and how it's performed, and while the girls may do back lib for her and therefore have not much say they are still free in form of body and decisions. We watch her transition from her father’s control, trying to fit her dream inside his reality, to trying to fit that same dream inside someone else’s who wanted her for her sex appeal.  In both cases, she was told what to think, feel and how to act. Her only purpose was to achieve theirs. It's only when the first chains are truly broken (with her father’s death) do we see her take a stand and start of this different path. We know this path is one of fruition because, in the scene where she finds herself at the party (this scene also mirrors with another character’s awakening), she's lost in herself, singing her way – carefree and just for the art. It is this moment that gets her the deal of a lifetime. Through Mylene we see many other characters in search for some form of freedom – including her mother whose wants to escape the marriage she's bound herself to, her ‘uncle’ who's made a life of trying to free others from poverty, and a broken city – and Jackie a drug addicted musician who finds himself lost in the biggest musical block until she frees him with creativity and inspiration.

Unlike Mylene, Zeke doesn’t know he's in need of being free. To be fair his prison is, in part, one of his own making.   Yes, his family and teacher put pressure on his to succeed their way…but he doubled that by trying to add Shaolin and the Kipling brothers to his track. There's nothing wrong with trying to succeed but you can’t walk to paths at once and that’s what Zeke finds himself trying to do and often finds himself taking steps backward instead of forward. He stretched himself thin instead of giving his all to one route. Maybe that’s why his story is heavy with guilt and sorrow because his goal was to make too many people happy – someone was destined to be let down – and if part 2 was any marker, that person is shown to be Shao, the brother who he's never really put his full trust in. Through Zeke we are shown sometimes we have too many options and refusing to make a choice can cause us just as much as making no choice, but also that our decision that can come with a duality. Zeke was free to choose…although I don’t know if his choice was all it was cut out to be. Zeke was inspiring though and with that came those who wanted that to shade them, such as Ra-Ra who latched onto this group because he saw the potential and hoped that his brain would be enough to lead them down the right path to creating a kingdom of their own.

Shaolin had the story of no choice. Shao lived in a mindset of survival and in that mindset all your decisions are fronted with that goal. His body was even more out of his control than Mylene’s, Fat Annie made sure of that from a young age. Even though he’s a jack of all trades (art, music, dance), even though deep down he's always hoped and has finessed his talents in wait of an opportunity, Shao never believed he would actually find a path to escape the world Annie had built for him. Leaving always meant ending back there. This is why he was enamored of Zeke – he was an opportunity, he was a promise of things Shao never had (a family, a partner, a bond) he was the road to freedom. He not only made him see, but he made him believe (this is also why I don’t like Zeke – Shao was always all the way in, damaging himself further, but Zeke always held a part of himself out knowing he had more than one route). When he gripped onto this idea, he couldn’t let it go, even if it meant getting his hands dirty. He was willing to steal, beg, borrow, and in one case assault for this thing. Because if he could do all those things to survive in a world he didn’t want to be in, what was stopping him from doing them when the destination was something he actually wanted? The sad thing about Shao’s story is it presented the reality of placing your trust in someone and having them drop your ass. Hope – it was so close and he knew it was gonna work. Growth-excusing the world he lived in and the things he had to do, to standing up and saying no. Devastation-having the foundation pulled from under his feet with the realization that having something and losing it may just be worse than never having had it at all. Reversion- of all the things he’d once known, the life he once lived, the thoughts he once had. Freedom is an illusion when life keeps proving that you deserve no such thing. And that ties in with Boo, he thinks he has no real tools to leave that place. The city has its claws in him, feeding off his anger and hardheadedness that keeps him in the belief that those like him and Shao were meant to be left behind and hardened for that life. Those who think they don’t deserve to be free succumb to their prisons.

Let me be frank – Dizzee’s story is my favorite in every way possible…including this one. If Shao’s storyline thus far has been about the manifestation of freedom letting you down, then Diz’s is about that manifestation being the best thing that allows you to soar high. Free/freedom is a theme we see surrounding Dizz a lot. This is in part to his sexuality and in part to his rebellious artistry. He himself has atoned himself more freedom in one than in the other. Dizz is fearless and driven in the face of art. His train quotes usually as such ‘Forget safety, be notorious’. He goes all the way into a dangerous neighborhood just to see Shao’s new work. He added his own work to one of Shao’s trains and even went to a gang territory for another one of his own creations. His art presents not only his thoughts and beliefs but allows him to freely hide in plain sight though his write line and alter ego Rumi. He’s the only character whose freedom is always at the stake of being stolen (though his art being a crime) while also seeking a different form of freedom (both his sexuality and the legacy of his art). Dizzee’s story is like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis – when the audience first meets him we don’t realize his sexuality is on the table. It isn’t until we’re introduced to Thor that even becomes clear. Thor is interested upon first meeting when he hears exactly who Dizzee is and his explanation of Rumi. Thor immediately understands the representation of Rumi. He’s the first character to see the genius in Diz instead of weird because he’s the first to actually see him fully for what he is and understand his metaphors. Thor is actually the element that’s pushing Diz’s transition. We get a lot of signs of Freedom when Thor is around – when they exchange books Thor tells him to make it the craziest, nastiest, freest, most revolutionary piece he’s ever made – Thor has a train quote that goes ‘You have wings, Learn to fly’ – before Thor ask him to go to the club he ask Dizz ‘Doesn’t Rumi wanna rise from some Alien ashes, be a phoenix, find a new form? Set the alien in the top hat free bro, introduce him to the world’. This is forthcoming to Thor’s own form (the phoenix – one reborn) already settled and free in his own sexuality, the bird standing for both freedom and rebirth (which is a point diz is at during his last scene). I do think that Thor feels because he’s able to see Diz/Rumi so translucently that others will/can too. You see this when he invites him to the club and tells him not to worry they’ll let him in. – In the club scene, it's as though Dizz is actually leaving one world entering a new world, all the while with Thor leading Dizz forward with a guiding hand. This sense is deepened by the fact that the audio is cut and what we hear as they are in this new place is Thor’s joy (laughter) at sharing this new world with Dizz. He tells Dizz that “this is where free people come to be free, just birds singing in bird voices and doing bird things (basically free people doing free people shit)’”. When Dizz gives Thor the Set Me Free album and tells him that it made him think of him it makes sense because that’s the route Dizz has been on since meeting Thor. It is easy to see that Thor is his first male romantic action given his hesitant nature when Thor was first flirting with him on the train – he remained stoic until he did the turn with a La revolution before exiting. But Dizz is also a full steam ahead kind of guy once he decides to do something. We get another one of those scenes in the club. Because everything was so new Dizz is contained and awestruck but after the kiss and the first note of Come Set Me Free, all those walls fall and we see Dizzee in his most pure form.

This theme, of course, follows into part 2 as Thor is literally locked up and Dizz has shut down in his own way. This season also focuses on Dizz standing up for his place and himself. He’s no longer letting comments slide by, choosing instead to confront them head on. When Thor gets out we get this intricate scene that while drug induced, allows us free entree into Dizz’s mind where Thor is concerned. Love, art, protection and of course free as we’re reminded of Rumi’s destination. Some fans take the Boo-Dizz conversation to mean that Boo secretly knows about Dizz’s sexuality…I didn’t take it that way at all. When Boo says – remember when I used to know all your friends it was a reminder that Dizz like the rest of the characters was still locked in a box. There's a reason Ra says..yo that’s my brother in the face of Thor whose trying to help. None of Dizz’s family knows Thor. It’s the same reason he tells Boo no when he ask if he could come along to see Thor. So even while he's at the point of not apologizing for being an alien he’s not yet a phoenix. When we see Dizz again, he's at his happiest. He and Thor are shacked up in what I refer to as Paint Palace, isolating themselves from the outside world like they’re on a honeymoon and drawing their truth on every surface they can. As I’ve said in my other post, this is one of my favorite scenes – because everyone should be allowed to experience that kind of freedom. Dizzee is in a safe space, doing something he loves, surrounded by positivity and with someone who inspires this safe feeling. He doesn’t have to hide, doesn’t have to speak in half-truths nor outright lie. Thor doesn’t judge him, and although he’s his guide he doesn’t push or force him to move faster than his own pace will allow. The reason Thor is presented smiling and happy when Dizzee is lost in his art is because he is both enamored and in full support of Dizz during these moments because they’re when Dizz is at his most real. Thizzee does not overtly mention their feelings because the real message loses its meaning that way. You see all the other relationships/friendships in the show and they all tell each other their every feeling but when it comes time to put up…someone is often left hurt, disappointed and jaded.  Dizz is aware of all those feelings – love, protection, freedom – not because Thor says them, but because he shows through action. Thor is Dizzee’s manifestation of freedom and through he found himself on the path to accepting himself and freeing the sides of himself that others didn’t understand. Dizz is learning to fight for himself as much as he’s willing to fight for his art. Thor teaches him that Viva la revolution has space in other portions of his life. And that’s where we leave Dizz, transforming himself into something new…

Sometimes freedom is the fight for control, sometimes it’s the need to make a decision, sometimes it’s a manifestation, and other times it’s learning to accept yourself. The show made sure to sprinkle it in every character (even those I didn’t mention). As I said at the start, it was the floor the genre of music and art was built upon. Neither got much respect but still, artist used it as their route to escape whatever struggles they needed to overcome and the greatly exhibits that. These characters want to be kings and queens, they want to make their own mark on the world, leave behind their own legacy. They fight, love, and sometimes lose. They learn to learn to understand one aspect of one another they probably thought they would never see. That's what's so freeing about TGD, what makes it so damn good.

Video belongs to Anna on YT! This post was in part inspired by said video. The gifs are as credited.