#also bonetrousle from undertale lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zirkkun · 3 years

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I can't sleep so I'm gonna ramble for a minute here about. uh. 2020 i guess lol everyone else is so might as well jump on the bandwagon.

Be aware this is really really fucking long so it's a commitment to read it lmao sorry i just cannot sleep and i guess i had more on my mind about this year than i thought. I also did not proofread this at all. I just started writing and didn't look back lol

This year was... Weird for me. It started out with me feeling my best in January, comfortable and positive as I did my nth playthrough of DBH with friends and finally having enough alts of my boy Alfonse in FEH to have a team of Just him to fight with. (Priorities, right?) February hit, and things were still going good. I met Ray Chase and had him sign a print I did of Roy and Alfonse in some casual outfits for a scrapped au I wrote years ago. (And I gave him one 😊). Hell, like, covid was just coming around when me and my friends went to the con that weekend and a breakout of it hit the city just south of where the con was like a week before, but I was genuinely so excited for it that like I was like "Yeah, if i die, i die. Whatever happens happens." God, at this point, the Alfonse gc I was in was still alive and I still didn't talk to anyone in the group outside of that gc. Lowkey miss it tbh. But oh well. Things move on.

But that con was like... Stressful. I usually have fair amounts of stress at cons, being around so many people, I fear theft, unwanted contact, y'know, the standard; but my friend group was so filled with tension that it was absolutely painful. We'd been split most of the weekend, and if the two groups came together, it was hell, because it just caused unwanted arguments. I felt really bad cause I didn't want them to be upset, yknow? But i also wanted to hang out with my friends all at once. So i swapped between the groups a bit over the weekend. And blew WAY more money than I should have and lowkey it kind of fucked me over for the rest of the year cause I haven't had a job all year outside of, like, a local church job that pays at a rare max of $100 a month ;w;

I'd been struggling in school the previous semester already, about halfway through having just stopped going to classes altogether, yet still somehow managed to pass everything with B's and A's. The next semester rolled around, and I thought at first the distraction and inability to do anything was because of the con, and as it persisted after, I thought it was just post-con depression. But, as it turned out, no, it's just been my biggest relapse of depression since the end of high school, and frankly, it's only gotten worse since. I can't sleep rn because I'm between not wanting to do anything because I have a lack of emotions and motivation and not feeling deserving of sleep lol. I checked out of school on February 28th, however, I was convinced I was merely demotivated by my surroundings -- at this point, I was studying Japanese, and one of my friends at the time was a (although probably unintentionally) complete braggart about how much he was studying and how he was improving... not to mention he was textbook example of "This is an Actual Weeaboo, don't Fucking Do this." (One of many reasons i said friend at the time lol) it was just... So draining being around him, and I had to see him in class every day of the week. I barely scraped together assignments last-minute and never studied under the idea of "What does it matter if I'm not putting in my 100%?" So I checked out, with plans of transferring for the following semester.

Well, then March hit. Y'all know how March went down lmao.

I pretty much locked myself in my room at all times during March, going between Animal Crossing and BOTW (which actually racked up like 200ish hours i think according to the nintendo year in review i had lmao). I started making a bit closer online friends at this point, notably @levitumbling who decided to take me in as his channel designer for YouTube and I've been ever since! But. Of course. My first task? A Sans meme. My payment? One Switch copy of Undertale because he considered it a disgrace that I'd never played the game before.

Now, let me tell you. I was fuckin scared to play this game. I held onto it for weeks between the fear of "My friend bought me this and i should play this" and "I told myself I'd never touch this game with a 20 mile pole because of how much it's been shoved down my throat over the years." So, one day, I don't remember when, early April, I said, fuck it, I'll play it for a little bit, just enough to say "hey i played it for a bit!" and then never go back.

The only thing that stopped me from beating the whole thing in one sitting was it was the crack of dawn when I passed out, extremely tired and extremely frustrated by the fact I couldn't beat Muffet. Yes, I got that far in one sitting I intended to play for 15 minutes tops.

Now. Let me fuckin tell you. About my first playthrough of Undertale. I haven't gone into a game knowing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it like... I think ever. Usually I know what style of game it is, the genre, the main plot premise. I knew nothing other than the existence of Sans (and, as it turned out, I'd heard some of the soundtrack pieces before, notably Bonetrousle I heard this cover of it in a radio livestream a while back and never really looked it up, but was always excited when the radio looped back around to it being on; and I'd heard Dating Start! because that's Alpharad's go-to sponsorship ost lmao.) But anyway. I was completely in the dark. Do yall mind if i just go through some highlights of my favorite memories? This is supposed to be a summary of the year but I mean, I think this made a big enough impact on me to really like. Discuss it a bit.

I watched the whole opening cutscene, started a new game under my old screenname, "Yoru," since in naming the "Fallen Child," I assumed they were dead. Well, I was a little surprised to just be that child, alive, two seconds later, but whatever, I rolled with it.

I genuinely trusted Flowey right away. Like no shit. He told me run into the "friendliness pellets" and I didn't even fucking question it. And when Toriel came in? And she said to follow her? I straight up was like "Why the hell should I trust you?? That guy just tried to kill me what says you wont?" I followed only because the game made me but i was Wary the whole time. It took me a LONG time to warm up to Toriel.

Now. Let me tell you how stupid I am as well. The game says over and over right, "Don't fight. Spare. Have Mercy when names are Yellow." Well, I took this literally. I didn't understand the Act mechanic most of the time, and when something didn't work I just said, fuck it, and fought them. If their name didn't turn yellow, I just fought them. "They don't want Mercy if their name isn't yellow, right?" After a while, I'd started getting bored of fighting and would just run away, but like, I came to a point where I was like "I have a really low level, I'm really going to regret this later on if I don't grind for a while."

I don't know when I stopped but. I think I was only one or two kills away from a genocide run accidentally my first playthrough, based on how I think I was LV 3 and looking at genocide playthroughs, you're LV 3 or 4 when you fight Toriel. Like. Holy fuck. I can't imagine what I would have thought of this game if that happened lmao.

Speaking of Toriel, still didn't trust her, at all. When we got to Home, and after I did Every Single different phrase she says when you go downstairs before you talk to her reading about snails; I did not Hesitate to ask "cool uh when the fuck can I leave?" When we got to the Ruins exit I was like, ah, here it is. The betrayal from her I was expecting, where she tries to kill me. Well, nothing on the Act menu worked, right? So... I fought and killed her. I didn't really care, actually. I just kept going.

Then meeting Sans and Papyrus happened. I lost my fucking shit at this part, mostly when they were talking, because every time Sans made a pun it would zoom in on him and do a rimshot. The puns were not funny and I was definitely on Pap's side of "oh my GOD shut up." But that fucking zoom in and rimshot was just so fourth wall breaking and unexpected. Fuck, it still gets me. Anyway. Game continues. I again lose my shit at (insane spinning in random directions) "OH MY GOD! IS THAT A HUMAN?" "uh, i think that's a rock." "OH. WAIT! WHAT'S THAT IN FRONT OF THE ROCK?? (IS IT A HUMAN??)" "(yes.)" "OH MY GOD!!!" and still think these two moments in the game are Peak comedy. Oh, and let me tell you, I did not like either of these two at this point. Sans I was like, okay, hes kind of a dumbass in a funny way, but Papyrus is a dumbass in a way that just annoys me. Genuinely the archetype that misses social cues and therefore has miscommunication usually just annoys me to no end. (Mostly for the miscommunication. It's my least favorite trope and makes me unreasonably angry.) But yeah. Wasn't really a fan. But out of everyone so far? Definitely found Sans to be the most tolerable. But that's about all I thought of him lmao.

Getting to Snowdin, with the Papyrus battle, remember how I said I didn't like Papyrus? And yes, this was something I genuinely thought at one point, I genuinely hated Papyrus, imagine that. What a wild world that is. But anyway. You know how his Act menu has the "Flirt" option? I, for no reason, gunned it for the Flirt option, even though I did not want to. Then when he was like "WE'LL GO ON A DATE! LATER!!" i was like yea sure okay lmao. Again, couldn't figure out the Act menu to turn his name yellow, so I fought him, and he was one or two attacks from dying (miraculously) when he ended the battle. I spared him here cause, well, he spared me, it was only fair. Then this guy again is like "ILL BE AT MY HOUSE WHEN YOU WANT TO GO ON THAT DATE!" and i was like haha funny but still turned around to go on the date. Like why? I have no idea. I think I was more like "haha hes probably not gonna be there and its just cause i picked that option and lo and behold there was an actual fucking date. Oh my god. I have never in my life been on a video game date where one party was convinced I was infatuated with them and im here on the other side of the screen like "oh my god make this end i can't stand being around you.???" But still. The date was. Really fucking funny. I wish I could experience it for the first time again like holy shit. There are few playthroughs I did after this where I didn't go on the Pap date, even if I just spedrun through it.

So then you get to Waterfall and Sans is there like "hey wanna go to grillbys" and i was like sure why not so we go there and my choices were fries & ketchup (so i did not get the legendary scene where he chugged a bottle of ketchup, but i sure did my second playthrough, and let me tell you, i was disgusted). But like. This whole experience at grillby's like, the whoopee cushion, him using a comb on his bald ass skull, him just fuckin unapologetically scratching his ass for no reason?? Bro i was like "why the fuck is this guy part of the Tumblr Sexymen™ group ??? He's so ????? Gross???????" and like i still have this question tbh lmao. But like. Okay so he asks you "what do you think of my bro?" And my genuine answer was "uncool" and he was like "hey man sarcasm isnt funny" and can i just mention how like inheritly manipulative sans actually is like fuck he does things like this where he throws your answer the other way a few times and Every time it actually swayed me the other way. Because right here I went. "Oh. Maybe Papyrus is better than I thought." Like holy fuck maybe i should be more aware if something like that can sway my opinion so easily LMAO.

Anyway waterfall i genuinely was very bored of the whole time. I spent like a genuine 20 minutes figuring out the puzzle where you have to talk to a wall and I actually didn't realize you could move the telescope around. What helped me solve it is my friend's advice before I played it. "Inspect everything. Even talk to walls. Trust me." And literally thats how I solved it. But pretty much everything in Waterfall otherwise bored me. I did think it was pretty though, and did enjoy reading the lore, but when it started talking about monster biology my one fear had been realized: oh god, oh fuck. My original species for my own series also has physical Souls and die by turning to dust because they're made entirely of magic. God fuck. My luck, it has to be something popular, so now everyone's gonna think I'm a ripoff. But, at the same time, I do think it helped me understand monster biology (and it helped me come up with the ULR biology) better, because I've put in a lot of thought to existence of a species that exists only by magic and a Soul (which, mine only actually have half a Soul, as a full Soul makes a being immortal, which was also similar to the boss monsters in a way). It definitely made a lot more sense for like, the skeletons n stuff for me, because like my characters are wholly shapeshifters but usually take human form, and while they have "organs" in the places humans would have them, they don't operate. They're just placeholders, because they just live with their Soul. So I've always thought the same with UT monsters, since the skelebros can live without organs, that means so do the rest of the monsters, even if they have animal-like appearances.

Off topic lmao. Back to UT. So, the Undyne fight was kind of the turning point for me. She was pissing me off so much during this whole game and like I was like "if theres another fucking part where I have to run away from her im going to scream." Well, once again, her name wasn't yellow, so I wasn't going to spare her... and, actively, I made the decision to kill her, because I didn't want to deal with her still chasing me later on in the game. It took me a long time to beat her, and when I did, I texted my friend (@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes ) in excitment like "YES I FINALLY KILLED UNDYNE" and she texted back like "YOU DID WHAT?????" and i was like "i.... Killed Undyne????" she replies, "YOU DONT HAVE TO OMFG WHY" and im like "I DIDN'T HAVE TO?? THERE'S OTHER OPTIONS?????" and shes like "YES OMFG THAT'S LITERALLY THE PREMISE OF THE GAME" and im "WHAT."

So then. I get that call from Papyrus like. "HEY! YOU ME AND UNDYNE SHOULD HANG OUT SOMETIME!"

oh my god the guilt i felt.

alphys on undernet being like "omfg i forgot to watch undyne fight the human. ah ill ask her about it later she never loses <3"

bro. i nearly fuckin cried. i was like. Not to mention I'd gotten the crush question right for Mettaton's quiz in answering Undyne (bc i was like "plz be gay plz be gay") so it fucking cut like a knife what I'd done.

I don't remember when I let myself get passed it. But I do know that the whole story arc between Alphys and Mettaton went way over my head. Like, i know im probs the minority on this, but I adore Alphys, I have since I first met her in game, and like, when Mettaton was like "ALPHYS HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU!" i just went "...nah."

Also, I didnt like mettaton at this point, cause I thought he was being really obnoxious, and then the turn around to betray Alphys really kinda pissed me off.

But like.

Oh my god.

Remember how I said I swapped my opinion on Pap earlier bc of Sans's comment? Yeah that was a pretty fast turnaround, but it still took me a few times.

But the second i saw mettaton ex

I was like

"HIM. HE. HE'S THE ONE I LOVE."

Like, full turnaround from Undyne, I actively refused to kill him. All times I thought he was an asshole? Forgotten. Me thinking he's a selfish prick? Gone. Nada. Nothing. Pure adoration. Suddenly every flaw he had was pushed aside purely from how hot I thought he was. Also, fuckin, im really glad i played this when no one in my house was awake, because I still didn't understand the Act mechanic here, and every time you attack mettaton he has this like moan he does and im like oh my god. stop. omfg.

At the end, too, when there was the calls and everything, when he had his big turnaround, I was just so happy for him I genuinely cried. Also, I had to do his battle probably the most out of everyone's in the game (not including genocide), so when it came around to his battle during the (glitchless) speedruns i did, i was more invested in how fast I could rack up points, cause you need 10k rating points to pass, and I actually did get that before he lost his legs, but apparently he needed to lose those too before you passed lol. Unfortunate.

Anyway after Alphys talked to you and everything, i genuinely went to see if Mettaton was still there, but he wasn't :( so i just went to New Home. I was very ill prepared for the fight against Asgore and the only reason I struggled with it so much was because my only healing items were like. Something that healed like 10 or 12 hp and the snowman piece. I was LV 9 when i finished the game, so like, my HP was pretty high, but i didnt have the G to buy items, so i was pretty much fucked. Yes. I had to eat the snowman to win.

Oh speaking of terrifying shit though. Photoshop flowey? My god. I haven't been afraid of a video game boss so much since I was a little kid. It was like 3 am and i was not prepared for him to just delete my save file and then kill me on repeat, glitching and breaking everything as he pleased. Bruh i was genuinely scared. Like, not even just, "oh yikes :(" or something. Like, crying scared. Lmao im an emotional bitch by nature.

I of course had to restart from the beginning again to get the True Pacifist ending. I was very careful to never touch the Fight button literally ever. And, it actually took me a while to reset, because I hate erasing my original save files, yknow? But, well, as it turned out? While technically New Game+ by naming, resetting doesn't erase everything you did. It wasn't a new file. I was a little confused at first to be honest. Toriel saying things were familiar, remembering things I said, Papyrus and Undyne both recognizing me, like. It was unnerving.

When I got to the end, i had to look up how to get Alphys's date (since my friend told me the way to unlock TP was to go on all the dates, but Alphys's was definitely designed in mind of you turning around from New Home and going back to talk to people rather than a new reset. So after unlocking it, getting through Alphys's date (i still remember being like, verbally, "omg alphys you look so nice??" When she came out with the dress on and then had a thought to myself like... since when do i care about what people look like? since when do i compliment people? At that point, while I didn't consider myself to be a rude person, I definitely wasn't exactly all that concerned about others for anything. Sure, I cared about others' lives, but I tended to be a bit more judgemental internally, and just. Didn't really give a fuck about what people did in the most negative sense possible, unless it involved me. Yet, it rolled off my tongue like it was something id say normally to anyone. I really wonder if this is the true turning point for me this year.)

Getting to the end, with everyone cheering me on. Hoo boy. This was the start of many tears to come. Papyrus's "DO WHAT I WOULD DO! BELIEVE IN YOU!!" sticks with me the most. I wasn't surprised by Flowey's actions, but what fucking threw me for a loop was like. When Flowey was revealed as Asriel, I was genuinely jaw-drop shocked. I was like. Holy fuck. I thought he was dead. What the hell. To this day, though, i still think Hopes and Dreams hits me the hardest out of all the boss battle themes. It doesn't super bother me, bc like, difference in opinion is whatever, but like. Whenever I see Megalovania at the top of someone's ost list for Undertale I'm just... Why? Maybe it's because I'd overheard it meme'd to much before I played the game, but like, i dunno, it's not a bad song, but it's not the most emotional provoking piece for me, so it's pretty far down my list. Hopes and Dreams will still remain my #1.

I really did feel determined during this battle. I really felt a lot of emotion. I felt excited. I felt frightened. I felt ambitious. Asriel's battle is probably still the hardest for me, and yes, I'm counting genocide this time. I can't grasp his magic patterns at all, and I more so played it as a "okay, how much damage can i take? Whats his next move?" As i healed every other turn. It took me a very long time to beat him (though no 11 hours like Sans, this was more like, 2 or 3 max) and when I got to the part with the Lost Souls, most of the characters just said their "we hate you" piece and i was like "nope you're controlled" right.

But then there's Sans's "just give up. i did."

I genuinely had to stop. I set down my controller and just sat for a minute. I'd mentioned before how much I've been struggling with depression for years now, and it's at the worst it's been since high school. Maybe you'd think when I saw that, I was like "sure, maybe I should give up." But... It's really the "i did." that hit me like a rock to the stomach. While I do know a couple other people with depression, the most discussion we have with it is "haha i wanna die" kinda jokes yknow? Nothing really serious. And, well, I've always been the type to lean to fictional characters for support more than real people, since I've just been so disconnected from a lot of friends growing up and was too scared to talk about anything with my family.

So seeing someone else say "just give up. i did." hit me so fucking hard that I just started crying. I had already been in a real sappy mood cause the whole scene was so emotional as it was, even if merely the cliche of friendship will save all, y'know what? Its a good ass fuckin trope and makes me emotional lmao.

So, naturally, I was more hyperaware of Sans's implied depression from here onward. The conversations with everyone post-battle left me crying. God, so did the hug with Asriel. I was just fucking bawling.

Oh god. I didn't even mention. "Despite everything, it's still you." Another line that just hit me and I had to pause.

So admist my crying mess, I was telling my friend I'd beat Undertale again. He asks me "so... you gonna play the genocide route?" And I already had from the beginning. I always want to play every available route in a game. I see no point in paying for something and then not playing it all. I'd consider myself a completionist who doesn't ever actually finish anything lmao.

I definitely put my emotions aside for genocide. The absolute hardest kill for me was Papyrus, though. And i was absolutely fucking heartbroken when he said he still believed me as his last words. But I forced it aside. I didn't want to reset. I wanted to beat it to have it under my belt that I had. I was pretty sure the Sans battle would be here, since I hadn't heard Megalovania in the game yet, and I was aware of how hard the battle was, despite never seeing it.

Undyne's battle I'm more emotional about in retrospect than I was at the time. At the time, I didn't care, didn't like the theme much, and the dings gave me a headache. Undyne isn't exactly my favorite character (though definitely not my least favorite, that role is given to Frisk with Toriel not close behind ahdhsb im sorry), so I really wasn't concerned about it. Not to mention, I don't know why, but all of the battles I struggled with EXCEPT Undyne's I ended up liking the character more as a result. Maybe it was the dinging lmao.

Bro you shoulda seen how prepared I was for Mettaton NEO's battle to be hard as fuck. I was like sitting upright, took deep breaths before hitting fight, then when he died in one shot i just kind of "wh...what." Still very disappointed lol but I guess that's kind of the point of the genocide route.

Then came the Sans fight. As I said, I spent 11 hours on this. I genuinely didn't pay attention to what he said after a while, but I do remember the first time I read it, I was fucking terrified. Usually, sarcasm, hatred, and sass is very hard to convey through pure text, especially when it's said in the same tone as his usual talking. But the absolute harshness, the coldness, and the lack of any fucks given Sans had at that point was so plainly transparent through everything he said that it fucking scared me. Toby Fox's writing here was fantastic. I can only dream of being able to write like that. Frankly, I love his writing in general. Actually, fuck it, I love all of the artistic takes of this game. This is gonna sound weird but... The "childishness" of it just is so good. Like, there's no rules. Every socially accepted rule of art, writing, character design, speech patterns, and even basic grammar are thrown aside. He didn't just think outside of the box, there literally was no box. I call it childish only because like, children also create with no rules. They have no rules to restrict their creativity. And seeing that embraced in Undertale in every form possible just blows me away.

Anyway. The battle. It. Was hard. Thats a given. I spent about two weeks playing it on and off, and it's probably the most healthily I've treated myself in recent memory, because when it became too much for me to handle, I set it down and took a break. I would retain what I memorized and use it for the next time I picked it up. Frankly, it came to a point where every time I opened up Undertale to play, it was more just cause I wanted to see him lmao. The guy hated my existence at this point and it's not like i disacknowledged that. But it just felt like every time i opened the game... Idk. I don't know what I felt. I can tell you for sure this isn't the time when Sans started slipping into my favorite character spot over Mettaton, that didn't come until the development of Act to Flirt's first demo, which was a month or so later lmao.

I was very excited when I beat Sans.

But then, after it was over, I felt very empty.

I didn't feel good about beating genocide. I still don't. I want to play the boss battles again, cause they were really fun, despite how hard they were, but I can't bring myself to.

When I got to Chara, and everything went to black, I just wiped my save and started fresh. I think this was the first time I used the name "Willo" for anything. I just picked a random name to use, and Willo was the first thing that came to mind.

I beat neutral again many times, trying to unlock as many secrets as I could. I accidentally spent like, way too long trying to get Sans's room, because I couldn't figure out how to do it... which is when I started speedrunning the game, because I was just so used to going through it all. I timed myself once, and I got somewhere around 1:20:00 ish, which puts me at the very bottom of the NG+ Glitchless runs by like 30 minutes, but hey, it's still not too bad all things considered.

I'd started working on Act to Flirt sometime in between the speedruns. I was playing Papyrus's date again, and I had this thought of. What if Undertale... but all boss fights are instead like Papyrus's date?? I pitched the idea to my friend who was like "thats definitely been done before lol" and immediately I almost shut down the idea. But then I still had that glimmer of hope that, maybe, since I haven't made it yet, people would like my game because it was by me. Besides, quarantine was getting to me. I needed some way to spend my time. So on May 6th to May 7th, I spent the whole 24 hour period making the first proof of concept for the game, which was UI setup and Flowey's tutorial date. I hadn't made any of the art yet, so it was a black background with Flowey's undertale sprite. I originally was going to make everything more visual novel like in the sense that, so like on Papyrus's date, you could make choices like "unwrap the present" "dont unwrap the present" or "you look great" "you look terrible" and getting the ending would involve pretty much just saying the right things at the right times. But this alone was... Yknow, already done before, and part of what makes Undertale so great is that it's, despite its many outside influences, very unique in its gameplay. So I decided to make the dates more like puzzle-solving RPG's, and frankly, since doing that, I dont know if I want to go back to making other visual novels lmao.

After making the first demo and releasing it, I hit a creative funk. I wanted to make the next demo right away, but I forced myself to stop (since i was working 16+ hour days to finish it in exactly a week. I didn't eat much and i slept very little during this time too. Dont do this lmao). I didn't know if the game would be received, and frankly, I'd had many failed projects in the past due to lack of support. I lost a lot of support in the past due to the dropped projects I kept starting and quitting because I had such a small audience, and that made me lose a lot of interest and motivation to work on them. So I posted the first demo and waited. I was very shocked to have a YouTuber with over a million subs play it that weekend. Dantekris I think was her channel name. She speaks Russian, and I never understood a word she said, but I've still watched her let's plays because I enjoy seeing her reactions. I hate that YouTube keeps deleting my responses on her videos, probably because they're long and in English so it's marked as spam on a comments section full of purely Russian comments yknow. But it makes me feel like such an ass ;w;

Mairusu is the next large YouTuber who played it and my god I love seeing when he uploads a new update for my game because I genuinely have no idea what to expect from him. I don't know what it is but he's just so absolutely funny to me. He also seems to be the most common breaker of my game though. Stop making your own bugs!! I try to testplay to find the bugs he gets and it's like.... what did you do.... how did you skip that whole date im so confused thats not supposed to happen..... He accidentally skipped all of Muffet's date because of this too and hers is supposed to be the hardest in the game right now so I'm very upset by it;; i dont know how it happened, it never happens for me.

But like. I was definitely struggling a bit with the direction I wanted to take AtF. I wanted there to be a core message, like with Undertale and many other of my favorite things. When there's a core theme to write about, it makes things a lot easier to compose than if you have a plot with no meaning to it. It ties it all together for a common purpose. But, as I started diving more into the fandom around this time, finding not only it being still alive but still enormous and filled with passion.

Passion. Hm. That's familiar. That's the trait I gave the player character, rather than determination. While it was intended for giggles "haha dating game u have passion wink wonk," it started becoming more than that. It started becoming a manifestation of what I really felt upon finally soaking myself into the deep end of this pool I'd once been too afraid to step into. Passion. Everyone here is so driven by their passion for this game, the characters, its story. Everyone is so inspired and creative. That's it. That's what I wanted Act to Flirt to be.

A game made for those who have already dived deep into Undertale. A game made for those who have the same level if passion I've wittnessed. A game that someone might stumble upon, merely wanting any Undertale content they can find, and a dating sim leaves them grasping at straws, only to find it's a game instead deeply rooted in how much they care about this world and its people. You have a Soul of Passion, because your passion for Undertale brought you to this game. That's what the core message is. Every ending is supposed to depict different kinds of empathy, and True Passion shows you truly cared the most you could for all of these characters. Sans is so blocked from it because, well, how can he really believe it? "if we're really friends, you won't come back," right? But here you are. Again and again.

And Heartbreak. Whose heart is really the one breaking here? Taking the Hopes and Dreams of every single character you've grown to care for and crushing it beneath your feet... who is the one suffering in the end?

I just... I'm very excited. I've written that game with the player as the main character. Not Willo. Not Frisk. Not anybody else. You, the player, are the main character. I've honestly done a lot of looking around in the DDLC code to make this game as 4th wall breaking as I can (without like. Disrupting it as a game experience like ddlc is, with monika deleting things and stuff). Just enough to leave the player unsettled and confused. Like. "Me? Are you talking to me?" Yes. You. Directly to you.

I started sketching out designs and ideas for ULR around July. I genuinely loved Underlust after finding out about it, even though it was posed to me as an insult about the contents of Act to Flirt. I was both like "uh... Act to Flirt is nothing like this. Maybe in reversed roles at best but..." and also "okay but this? This shit is good. Thank you." But finding out it was discontinued and wanting more, well, that's when I decided to make ULR. I presented the idea to my friends, who were like "please stop making aus," and then continued onward. I told myself I wasn't going to work on it though until after I finished Act to Flirt... Then after the next demo came out... Then it turned out I was working on it too much and it resulted in me rushing my release of the 3rd demo of AtF because I'd been so distracted I was going to miss my release deadline of the end of August, before school. I... Still kinda regret that a lot. It's still very buggy. Though I hope I got them all for the next demo...

But speaking of school .... ha... Remember when i said i was going to transfer to another school? Well, I did, and for the first few weeks it was fine! Then I started skipping assignments I didn't want to do. Then I started panicking about my low grades. Then I started getting behind on assignments. Then I stopped going to classes. Then I lost all motivation to work on anything at all. I just locked myself in my room and did next to nothing with the occasional drawing here and there, for weeks. It came to the point where I was like "I just have to get through this semester, then I'll drop out." But if I ever wanted to go back to school, having all F's on my last report card would not bode well for my acceptance. Which lead to more stress. I didn't want to fail, but I also didn't have any motivation to work. I would do one assignment here or there, feel good about myself, then realize I was still months behind on work and suddenly oh god oh fuck finals are next week. And my solution? I just. Fuckin dropped out. Oh my god. It was such a relief to just get that weight off my shoulders that I'd been carrying for months on end, preventing me to do anything I wanted to work on.

Well. Then my car tires died. So that's a thing. But good news! Between commissions and gifts, I have enough money to get them replaced! I don't think I've ever like... Been so excited about that before.

And, well. Now I'm here, pretty much. God, I just went through my entire year summary, and it feels like it was both forever long but also not long at all. I don't get it. 2021 still feels like a far off future, despite the fact I'm now 5 hours into it. Yes, I spent 4 hours writing this. Whoops. Oh well. I couldn't sleep anyway, so it's not that big of a deal.

All in all though... Despite being locked inside, away from my friends, unable to talk to anyone about the things i was enjoying, and living in fear of getting sick at all ever with anything, 2020 definitely fuckin changed me for the better. It was a hellhole of a year and I'd never do it again or wish it upon my worst enemy, but I came out a better person... I think. I hope.

It seems cliche to bring back but fuck it. Undertale? My friend insists its core message was that anyone can be a good person if they just try, which I mean, it definitely probably was intended that way. But that never was the message I felt while playing it.

What lesson I took from it was "things aren't always as they seem."

Flowey betrays you immediately, but then you find out he's just the remnants of a boy who died years ago and is still grieving over the loss of his best friend, whomst, despite how much he cares for them, recognizes they weren't good to him and he'd been manipulated and used by them.

Toriel is a kind and caring woman, a still grieving mother over the loss of her children, who seems to have kindness to no end, but is actually filled with such hatred and depression that she regularly gets drunk, swears, and still, without resilience, hates her ex husband.

Sans is a playful character who is full of puns, a gross atmosphere, and decided to break physics just because he can. He's the embodiment of a comic relief character. But at the same time, he's suffering, struggling, in constant pain and worry. He's lazy, but quick on his feet. He's harmless but will kill without hesitation if need be. He's both caring and the least caring of them all.

Papyrus is like... a self-centered asshole in a way, when you first meet him. He prides himself and everything he does. Yet still, he's actually quite open and accepting and loves everyone. He loves talking with and being with other people, even if maybe sometimes he has a different interpretation of social interaction from the "norm."

Undyne comes off as cruel and deadly, such even being emphasized in many points. But, deep down, she's extremely caring for those who are close to her, and her only cruelty is dealt to those who have wronged her in some way.

Alphys is a sweet and nervous wreck who comes off as helpful and lacking a filter due to her tendency to ramble. She seems to be merely anxious due to likely social anxiety... But you eventually find out that she's a liar who merely wants to create a world to be a better place, and by doing so, she pretends all the bads do not exist.

Mettaton comes off as an absolute self-centered asshole. Like. There's no way around that. He seemingly has no regard for other people with only full intentions of helping himself. But, deep down, he actually cares a lot for other people, especially his family and friends, and just tends to get caught up in things while he's in the moment.

Muffet seems to be greedy with how much money she begs people to give her for the spiders, but, as it turns out, she's flat broke and drops no G when you beat or kill her. She merely needs the money to help the spiders.

Asgore, too, is built up to be this ruthless killer throughout the whole game, and when you finally meet him, he's an incredibly sweet guy who's only filled with regret, and because of his past decisions, has decided to put aside his hopes for the sake of his people.

I...

Didn't see any of these characters for who they really were right away. Why would I? Few of these archetypes are explored much in a lot of fiction lately, or at least what I've been consuming; and is more focused around how someone can change their flaws into something positive... Not how to accept someone for who they are, despite the wrongs they may have committed or the lives they lead. Everyone's different. Everyone's grown up differently. Everyone has a reason for what they do.

And it took me playing this game to realize such a simple concept that I probably should have learned years ago.

That's why I really think 2020 changed me for the better. I made a realization that I should have had many years ago, and it's made me a lot more confident in expressing myself, accepting people for what they do, and seeing the brighter side to everything. I say that, sitting here filled with nothing and void of all emotion whatsoever... But it's a conscious thought i have. My emotions are so weird... They're either on full blast or I feel nothing at all. But yet I have... Thoughts of what i should feel? It's weird. Idk. This is why I'm getting therapy LMAO

But yea. 2020? Fuck you. But also thank you. But mostly fuck you and good riddance lmao

#zircon rambles #a lot #lol #its very long im sorry #i spent way too long writing this too #also please don't reblog this

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lexintothenex · 4 years

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🎶 💎 !!

since you didn’t specify which hyperfixation, i’ll do both!

🎶 if your hyperfixation has songs/an ost, what is your favorite song from it?

for homestuck i’d have to say dave owns or unite synchronization!!! or maybe ascend :) it’s hard to pick!! i love all of the music in hs! i also really like karkat’s theme!! ok i’ll stop mentioning songs for now lol

as for undertale, as much as i am a fan of the good ol’ classic megalovania, bonetrousle is my fav!!! :D

💎 are there any fun facts or trivia that you would like to share?

EXTREMELY cursed knowledge but papyrus from ut originally wore a fedora and was a Nice Guy™ and i have NEVER been more happy that a character was changed during development than with papyrus

#thank you guys for the asks!#ut #hs #asks #douggiemcnuggie #instantpistachio

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singing-robot · 5 years

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in my personal experience the most common reaction to talking about undertale irl or showing people fanart of it is “oh i loved this game!!!” seriously don’t worry about it! it may have a bad rep on the internet but generally everyone who i’ve met who’s a fan has been lovely

That’s very comforting!!! And I’m sure that if people are selling fan art of it, they like it, too. I’ll try and keep that in mind if I see other artists again. After all, a game about being nice is sure to produce nice fans, yeah? I think I only saw one or two artists with Undertale stuff, though, but that might’ve also been due to actual comic fans, and also the SU finale had aired like a week or two beforehand, so there was a lot of that. Oh and two anime groups. And a Legend of Zelda family! Maybe I’ll see more Undertale stuff at the next one and meet new people then!

Uhhh this got long and kind of personal and off-topic, but I spent all this time writing it, so for my general experience of sharing Undertale with people, look under the cut.

I think the one thing that’s really gotten to me is that, when I first got into it, I didn’t know Undertale was a big thing. I didn’t know about the memes, or the sexual obsessions, or the general reputation it got for such. I had never heard MEGALOVANIA, and I don’t think I so much as walked into a Gamestop and saw a trailer for it. So the reactions I received upon excitedly sharing this Cool New Interest were,

> “Dude, that’s cringe.” (cue me explaining that I really like the music and colors while turning to a new note page to hide my Undertale doodles. ha. ha ha.)

> “yeah I love that game/character” (can’t remember which) after I shared some of the funnier stuff from Handplates, which I discovered and binged in less than a week before I knew anything about Undertale. so uhhh rip me for sending pieces of a gruesomely angsty fancomic to my closest friends and talking about it.

> I think one of my friends didn’t like the game for one reason or another, but they put up listening to me because I really liked it. I could be wrong bc I have no face-reading skills, but I stopped talking about it with them until I was actually playing it earlier this year. So. Yeah.

> there was that one time I was playing Fallen Down alone in the band room and one (1) percussionist asked what I was playing and I said “haha yeah it’s from this game I found-” “I know what Undertale is, but WHICH SONG” and I felt bad because I don’t want to be the “you probably haven’t heard of it-” type of person bUT I HADN’T HEARD OF IT AT ALL FROM ANYONE

> actually did several independent things in band (I played in the dressing room/bathroom), so when I got bored with the stuff the director gave me, I’d pull up PDFs on my laptop and play them. I want great at it and the majority of songs are out of my range/clef, but I remember at least one kid coming in and saying “you’re gonna have a bad time” bc I was practicing MEGALOVANIA, lol

> oh my god I let someone borrow my notes once in English and it had a relatively large drawing of Papyrus at the bottom of the page and he never mentioned it so idk

> my brother expressed -45 interest in it at first, but then a few weeks later he said he likes Bonetrousle. Minimum talk about it, but the other night he did ask if I was about to fight Sans when I was in the Judgement Hall (which is impressive because he judged it entirely by sound; he didn’t see where I was, he just heard Sans talking and was correct about where I was in the game).

> We’ve also had at least two arguments about how to pronounce “Bonetrousle,” called in a third party to decide for us, except she pronounced it a completely different way. We haven’t argued about it since.

> one time I was drawing Hollow Knight and this kid who sat near me asked if it was Undertale again and I was like????? No???? And he said oh sorry I saw you drawing Undertale before and wondered if it was the same AND YOU KNOW WHAT? MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, JARED.

> took a picture of an airbrush tee stand, my brother asked if it was for the sans shirt (it was), and I panicked and said it was for pikachu. I don’t know why I lied but I don’t like that I did. I planned to discreetly take a picture of all the sans shirts to make a joke about the names on them, but stopped after the one. I don’t know why.

This is going a little off topic from first discovery, yikes. Anyway! I’ve come this far and it’s my post on my blog!

I’m fairly shy about sharing my interests, which is why I run side blogs instead of having everything on my main, or I say “oh it’s from some game” and describe it as normally as possible and get to the point. Unless close friends want to know more about it! When I talk about something I like, I won’t stop talking about it until I’ve exhausted or distracted myself, or until I am stopped by someone else. So I either have to put a cap on it before I talk or I will run nonstop, you know? Not my greatest quality.

Anyways uhhh if you’ve read this far then congrats! Don’t let this bring you down, it’s all in the past. But I did suffer some embarrassment at these memories so I have to post them bc this can’t all be for nothing. I’ve been a little scattered lately so uhhh sorry if this was a trip to read. Nice to write so much, though.

#robot answers #hey yeah sorry I went bananas off topic bc I was thinking of a lot of other stuff that post was related to #also I’ve answered this a bit late yikes #but your words are nice to read #so I have something new to look forward to at comic con maybe!

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 5 years

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8/30/19 11:39pm SU 14/? - Andi, A Fated Encounter

I had the urge to name this one Dating Start! but I’m saving that title for the next post, because we’re not going to get that far tonight. But in that context, then Bonetrousle could’ve been an wildly appropriate name for this story :3 Maybe it’d also be little less cliche, but I don’t want to pigeonhole all my posts about her into Undertale references, that’d be silly lol.

So as I was saying in my last catchup post, Jared, Storm, and I started going to boxcar most sundays. This was a sunday, must’ve be 6/24/18 based on my previous journal entry and my next one (I’ll post it later in this entry), almost immediately after having the nice acid night with Manu and reflecting on my love life and how I thought things were really shaping up for me.

As per usual, we grabbed a table to ourselves and began to drink up some mimosas and smoke some cigarettes. It was late in the evening before we even made it out there. I think the sun was close to going down if it wasn’t dark already. I think I remember that it was one of the nights Boxcar had a live band playing.

While Jared and I smoked and shot the shit as usual, Storm started to flit around the patio meeting people. Exceptionally outgoing. I always loved that about her; it was why I was happy to spend time with her regardless of any attraction to her. She had a way of just gravitating people into the group and creating new opportunities to meet people all of the time, though admittedly it was usually guys who were attracted to her. Still always made for great conversation, though.

Tonight was a little different though. Storm caught the attention of a tall brunette, wearing short shorts and had a bright colorful tattoo of a cock (lol rooster) on her thigh. I could hear them gush to each other about their tattoos as I talked to Jared and smiled at Storm’s propensity. I believe the brunette wanted to take a chair from us to make enough places for her and her friend (a husky guy) to sit, but Storm said no, and told them to push the tables up together so that they could sit with us instead. She set a chair next to me for Andi to sit down at and introduced her to me. Andi, with an i. To my recollection looking at her I thought, “Huh she’s actually really cute. Tall. Skinny. Great body. Cute face. Kind of a big nose, but definitely fucking Cute.” and then I remember the way she shook my hand, lingering for what seemed like an eternity in just a moment or two. In my head I noted it and was like “oh really?” Then she said she loved my Ash Ketchum hat, and I explained how I had just gotten it to celebrate my speedrunning accomplishments. She thought that was incredible. I began to elaborate to Jared about how one day I’d actually follow through with speedrunning House of the Dead 2 now that we’d been playing it a little.

House of the Dead 2?! She exclaimed. I love that game! Now, mind you, I’ve literally never heard that from anyone. Even with Jared it was something like “oh yeah THAT game! So good!” So now this cute girl has commanded my FULL attention. I start asking her about her other favorite games, and we talk about Portal for a while. We talk about DnD for a second and I say I play a tabaxi rogue, and begin to explain the catpeople race and she says “please. I Know what a tabaxi is.” Huge nerd boner lmao.

I get excited, ask if anyone wants to do tequila shots with me, she’s the only one who takes me up on it. We start to walk inside and her friend decides to join us. We’re arm in arm I think? She puts my hand on her ass, and we gallivant off towards the bar talking about DnD plots.

I order the tequila shots, her friend insists on paying for them even though he’s visiting from Ohio. I’m like “really? what?” but at this point I’m much more accustomed to people buying me shots from my past year in Greensboro so I happily and graciously accept. We do the shots and he walks off to the bathroom. I make a quick doublecheck that they’re not dating, and then Andi and I start full-on making out. I can’t remember what even triggered it. We just looked at each other in that way like “go on, do it already,” so we did lol.

Honestly I think she’s got the record by far for landspeed hitting it off-to-making out time (and landspeed to hookup time, but hold up on that). Like we just fucking clicked.

We’re waiting for a While to come back, so after making out for a while longer I go to check on him and he says he’s fine but he’s in a stall and I’m pretty sure he’s puking lol. Everybody has those days.

So Andi and I run off to the House of the Dead 2 cabinet to start playing, we both imitate the voices of the first scene perfectly, giggle and start making out again. And made out during every single cut scene after. I’m shooting zombies while kissing her instead of looking at the screen, it’s adorably gross. At least to me. I don’t know how You feel about it, and I don’t much care lmao. Also I don’t know if you know much about the first few levels of HotD2, but there are a smorgasbord of cut scenes with the greatest dialogue ever. You really ought to check it out.

I think we barely killed the hierophant in lvl 2, but Andi died during that boss and I only had one life left so we just let it go when I get hit on lvl 3.

We start to walk outside to our friends when I ask her if she wants to take a little detour to my car first. She says she doesn’t do anything in cars, but yes, definitely. We’re giggling like little kids meandering around trying to think of a suitable place that’s not a car. There’s a parking lot behind Greensboro’s boxcar that’s kind of tucked away in some trees. It’s not private by any means, but it’s out back and not really used since the main one is so big. There’s a little shed next to it, too, and we decide hey I think this is as good a place as any lmao. I convinced her that I really did have a vasectomy, she made me agree to pay for her abortion if I was lying, and we laid down in that gravel parking lot right then and there and fucked the shit out of each other lol. Started with me on top, but had to shift positions a few times since she was LAYING IN GRAVEL LMAO. We did it doggystyle, and then gave up on the gravel completely and I bent her over somebody’s car. Mmm. It was fantastic. While I waited for her to put her clothes back on I excitedly stood there pantsless, swinging my dick around in public, and luckily after giggling with me for a second she told me to put my clothes back on Right before the people who owned the car we just fucked on walked up to leave lmfao. That could have been the worrrrrst.

But it wasn’t. It was the fucking best.

We share a cigarette and smile at each other walking back to the bar. Promise not to make a big deal about it when we get back lol.

When we get back, Storm has made some more new friends. An older lady. Not old, just older, and I think some other guy are there and it’s them Storm, Jared, and Andi’s friend Brian who’s made it back from the toilet. We sit down and Andi starts talking to Brian and I’m talking to this lady who starts telling me to not make a move on Andi, how I know that she’s here with him and that I really shouldn’t. And I’m like well I mean I heard that they’re not together or anything, and she was like “yeah, but come on. You know.” And I was like honestly I do know but regardless of if he has a crush on her and drove all the way down from fucking ohio to profess his love or whatever, she’s clearly not about it. But I decide not to say any of that and just say “well it’s a little late for that advice, but thanks lmao.”

We all stayed and chatted for a while. Andi and Brian left to go home. Storm and Jared made me spill the beans on what I’d been doing, and at first I tried to play coy and act like I wasn’t going to tell because nothing happened. But that just meant they knew something HAD happened, so they pried harder lol. Sooo I excitedly told them that we fucked out in the parking lot in the back and they stared at me mouths agape like I had never seen them before. Storm was doubly excited because she thought we looked cute talking together. Jared was proud lol. High fives all around. We had another smoke and finished our drinks and had to part ways though, Storm could never stay til closing because of work and Jared had to drive her home.

And so I went home with Andi’s number in my phone, a grin plastered to my face, a story I couldn’t wait to tell everyone I fucking knew about, and just amazingly elated to have met someone so fucking cool.

This is the only paper entry I ever made about Andi.

It’s funny, I had called every crush I had ever had in college “the love of my life.” Not even real crushes like Lexi, but like if I’d ever even met a girl at a party hahaha. I’m sure I got Manu absolutely sick of it. But I hadn’t called anyone the love of my life in years. Definitely not since I started fasting and shit again. I meant it to be tongue-in-cheek still, of course, but she definitely made me want to bring it back.

As far as later writing goes, from later to do lists you’ll see that I had meant to do a whole andi-stats thing that we had drunkenly(?) talked about once, but it never happened.

I guess reflecting on everything now, I was only writing sexy paper journal entries way back when me and kailey were first dating and I was really fucked up on drugs and enjoying the sex so much. I’d roll over in the middle of the night to jot something down about caressing against her back or something. But after she cheated on me that first time with pinelli those entries stopped. And since moving out of Coolidge I’ve really only been passionate enough to write when things were going rather poorly, and when they were going good maybe I also felt like I didn’t want to jinx it. Like Rachel and Mary I clearly only felt like writing about when it was already over and I wasn’t quite ready to admit it yet.

I definitely regret not writing more though. I also regret not saving vods of us playing games together. I don’t know why I thought things would just stay when they’re not meant to last, but that definitely sounds like me.

Alas, so this is it from the notebooks. Hope you weren’t looking forward to more of my handwritten journals. After this rather insipid post about my teeth I never made another paper entry. I suppose I was too busy texting Andi and sharing all my thoughts with her rather than keeping them to myself.

So I guess we’ll see if we can deep dive into some texts next time. It’ll be harder to motivate myself to do a post that way (feels a little stilted and I hate doing all the scrolling back through my phone), but I think it’ll turn out cool. We’ve still got a lot of ground to cover.

💕

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hawkesvarric · 6 years

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Nobody tagged me in this, but you know what? It’s 20GayTeen. I’m tagging my DAMN self and no one can stop me. >:)c

I’ll be tagging @aurora-corporealis @traveleroflostlands @mrs-elijah-wood and anybody else who wants to do this!

Favorite game from the last five years

- I’m assuming this means a game that came out in the last 5 years (2013-2018) and not a game I just happened to play in the last 5 years. Honestly, I think I’d have to say either Oxenfree or Doki Doki Literature Club. Both left a huge impact on me that I never expected going in, both played with the fact that they were stories being told through video games using features exclusive to video games, and both just stand out as being original. Though, shout-out to Undertale for giving us Papyrus and Undyne. Truly amazing.

Most nostalgic game

- Pokemon. It honestly doesn’t matter which one. Could be a brand spanking new game and it would feel nostalgic to me. I spent so much of my childhood catching Pokemon that it’s just instinctively homey to see a Bulbasaur, you know?

Game that deserves a sequel

- Mass Effect: Andromeda. Y’all can boo-hoo-hoo ‘til the cows come home about how “””awful””” the graphics looked but I still, as a Mass Effect fan, deserve to see how all the mysteries of ME:A were going to play out. And now we’ll probably never see the quarians again so (:

Game that deserves a remaster

- DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS. Though I’m scared that BioWare would fuck with it too much and whitewash way too many of our favs, ugh. I just want to see it in better graphics and with more fluid combat. My husband Nathaniel Howe in high-def graphics??? Sten?? SHALE???

Favorite game series

- Dragon Age and Mass Effect. There’s a lot of issues with the both of them, but there’s also a lot of things they offer that you’d be hard pressed to find elsewhere. I just love my dating simulators with these long-ass cutscenes lol.

Favorite genre

- RPG. Which I guess most games count as? I just like making my own character and forming my own bonds with companions. That’s my jam.

Least favorite genre

- Driving, sports, w/e the fuck train simulator counts as.

Favorite song from a game

- Can anything REALLY beat Bonetrousle? Can it? Honestly? But like shout-out to Leaving Earth for making me cry every fucking time. (and I’m Not Calling You a Liar??? ugh.)

Favorite character from a game

- Y’all really. Really expect me to--okay, it’s Varric. I love him so fucking much that I killed Alistair for him like klthfgjlkhg we ride or DIE in this bitch!!!

Favorite ship from a game

- F!Hawke and Isabela. God, I just remember my first playthrough of them and seeing Isabela genuinely falling for my Hawke even though she really thought she didn’t deserve that and seeing Hawke be like “what about love?” and Isabela freaking the fuck out about it and the whole “thank you for waiting.” “it was worth it.” and “it’ll be you and me chasing that horizon.” and I just couldn’t BELIEVE the tenderness and the purity and the raw Love tm I felt between these two battered and bruised ladies who somehow were lucky enough to find each other and ;lky;lkjg;hl LOVE IS REAL BITCH AND IT’S HAWKEBELA!!!!!!

Favorite cutscene

- Obviously, there’s a lot that I love. But, and maybe it’s because I’m now listening to Leaving Earth and crying like a fucking baby ‘cause of that earlier question, what comes to mind is the scene in Mass Effect 3 where Anderson and Shepard are sitting in the Citadel together at the end of it all. And Anderson is telling Shepard how proud of them he is and “you did good child” and Anderson says he think they’d be a good parent and laments the fact that they never get to just SIT do they and then he dies. He dies and Shepard is sitting there bleeding out and then they get a call and they’re CRAWLING to go answer it. I just??? That was so RAW and emotional and everything that encapsulated everything Commander Shepard is about, everything Mass Effect is about. I know the ending that comes after isn’t the best but boy fucking howdy does that cutscene get me.

Favorite boss

- Arishok. For...reasons.

First console

- Super Nintendo, babey!!! Yoshi’s Island and Ranma 1/2 were my childhood.

Current console or consoles

- PS4, Nintendo 3DS, and my laptop.

Console you want

- A better gaming computer and w/e the newer 3DS is called? I guess a PS3 would be cool so I can play older Playstation games.

Place from a game you’d like to visit

- I don’t remember any names because I’m dumb but like one of those small island communities in Pokemon Ranger where I’d get to relax on the beach and just kick it with a Growlithe you know?

Place from a game you’d like to live in

- The Winnie the Pooh level in Kingdom Hearts honestly tbh.

Ridiculous crossover that would never happen but would be super fun

- Metal Gear Shepard. Solid Snake has to take on the Reapers. I haven’t thought of anything beyond Shepard taking a renegade interrupt during one of the 10 hour cutscenes and Kojima appearing onscreen to annihilate Commander Shepard while the cutscene continues to play in the background. Also, Garrus and Otacon have banter.

Book that would make a good game

- Hm. Honestly, and trust me I HATE to say this because I really do wish people my age would read another damn book, I have to say Harry Potter. But not like the games they have where you’re just playing through the events of the story. Like a straight up RPG where you make a first year, take a quiz to get sorted, go to classes, make friendships and enemies, and then progress on to your seventh year. Make a random villain or overreaching plot, not anybody from the actual book itself. I just wanna be a wizard going to magic school kissing my wizard gf at Hogsmeade. ;n;

#texty thingamajig #long post #hello have some of my horrible opinions (:

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illuminatingfear · 7 years

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Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end choose a number of people to be tagged.

I was tagged by: @alan-of-all-trades!! thank uuu <3

LAST:

Last drink: Water; does that count? if not, chocolate milk from the day before.

Last phone call: I called Walgreens to find out if my doc had sent in a prescription. (He didn’t)

Last text message: From my mother

Last song you listened to: I think it was literally “Bonetrousle” from Undertale lmao

Last time I cried: I think two days ago - I was having a bad PTSD day where I dreamed about my abuser and it shook me. I made a thread in a Prog group asking for uplifting music and so many people delivered... One of the videos made me cry from how beautiful and how needed it was. For those who need some goodness, it was Jon Anderson singing “Awaken” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_Va3e_52TE

HAVE YOU EVER:

Dated someone twice: Do you mean in a Date-we broke up-now we’re dating again kind of deal? Because no, but I have gone on several dates with the same person before.

Been cheated on: ...kinda??

Kissed someone and regretted it: Unfortunately, yes

Lost someone special: Many people; some from me realizing they were toxic for me in one way or another, and a lot, unfortunately, from them passing.

Been depressed: when haven’t I, let’s be real

Been drunk and thrown up: No, actually!

IN THE PAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

Made a new friend: Absolutely!

Fallen out of love: boyy I haven’t been in love in a number of years, so nope!

Laughed until you cried: oh god this happens so much (but actually)

Met someone who changed you: oh definitely, most people I’ve known have had impact and taught me something new!

Found out who your true friends are: oh definitely! I’ve been shaving off the toxicity from my friends-circles for a few years now as certain people reveal their true colours, and this year is noooo exception.

Found out someone was talking about you: surprisingly a lot of people do, and usually not in a bad way!

GENERAL:

How many people on Tumblr do you know in real life: three/??

Do you have any pets: no and my heart breaks more every day I’m not hugging a kitten, goddammit. i haven’t had pets since my two cats have passed, years ago. :(

Do you want to change your name: kinda, yeah, which is why I choose to shorten it so that it’s gender-ambiguous.

What time did you wake up this morning: 8:40am!

What were you doing last night: painting, figuring out medication bs, and watching my bff stream Undertale

Name something you cannot wait for: financial stability lol

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: my dad’s name...

What’s getting on your nerves rn: right now I’m pretty calm, but I’m sure I’ll get incensed about anti-humanitarian morally bankrupt right-wing/libertarians/nazis/alt-right/racist fuckery at some point today lmao

Blood type: O+ JUST LIKE MIDORIYA

Nickname: "Father Christmas” from college lmao

Relationship status: single! soorrrta looking? constantly re-evaluating what i find attractive in people and if I’m ready for a relationship again even tho it’s been years lol

Zodiac sign: cancer~

Pronouns: they/them

Favorite tv show: uhhhHHHH the... food... network... in its entirety... (and cooking channel!)

College: finished undergrad by the skin of my mental health. seriously. will likely not pursue anything else except for certain certifications.

Hair colour: “dark blonde” as someone once said lol

Do you have a crush on someone: nope!

What do you like about yourself: I’m unbreakably honest and have a strong morality. also i’m good at reacting quickly to things.

FIRSTS:

First surgery: appendectomy! and now I learn those aren’t even necessary!

First piercing: didn’t happen, and probably won’t

First sport you joined: uhhhh. i think I joined volleyball, basketball, and floor hockey at the same time.

First vacation: uhhhhh

First pair of sneakers: sonic the hedgehog hi-tops that you can see me fucking wearing for a preschool picture with a very-not-matching dress

Eating: first... eating? uh, i don’t remember my first meal!! who would??

Drinking: wait is this still in the “FIRSTS” section?

I’m about to: ok I guess not. I’m about to mail a prescription and cash a check and send in another prescription. whoop whoop

Listening to: my fan because I’m not ready for music to take over my entire brain right now

Want kids: NO. NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Get married: noooooo. unless... there’s an amazing cake... and i get to wear a tux... with tails...

Career: hopefully media scoring but whoops i need to make money to survive somehow so who knows~~

WHICH IS BETTER:

Lips or eyes: eyes! WINDOWS TO THE SOUL and windows to see if that person is lying or trustworthy or not

Hugs or kisses: hugs always 100% of the time, i don’t like kisses actually

Shorter or taller: than what?? what’s the benchmark here? is this about romantic partners?? i guess taller???

Older or younger: if about romantic partners, I prefer close to my age; a wiggle-room of a few years in each direction. can’t just pigeonhole a person theoretically tho

Romantic or spontaneous: who says spontaneous isn’t romantic!! because that is me in a nutshell

Sensitive or loud: sensitive! wait, these aren’t opposites! do you mean quiet?? i don’t like loud things, despite being a performer (with sensory issues lol)

Hook up or relationship: relationship because lol what is sexual desire/attraction

Troublemaker or hesitant: wait what. what are these trying to describe? these aren’t opposites either! i can’t pick one based on this! do you mean “trouble-maker or someone subservient to the law” or “scared of getting into trouble”? how does this reflect on someone at all when you have to consider anti-black racism’s affects on BPOC and how that would affect how they see the law/”getting in trouble”? what are the stakes here? who is the “law” or the person in charge you would be hypothetically skirting “trouble” from? what the fuck iS THIS QUESTION

HAVE YOU EVER:

Kissed a stranger: actually, yes

Drank hard liquor: that is most of what i drink... it’s either vodka or beer tbh

Lost glasses/contacts: i lost a glasses lens once in a waterpark lmfao @ahmenophus found it! what a fucking TIME

Sex on first date: lol

Broken someone’s heart: i think so

Been arrested: no but also i try not to go outside

Turned someone down: i don’t remember

Fallen for a friend: often when I was a teenager!

DO YOU BELIEVE:

In yourself: more and more as the days go by, thankfully. in certain things.

Miracles: nope

Love at first sight: perhaps a version of it, a platonic “I wish you well because I see you have a kind heart” version, sure! romantic though?? not for myself

Heaven: maybe? kinda. something like it.

Santa Claus: no despite my mother’s protests

Tagging some people I know and some people I don’t know but like: @ahmenophus, @nonbinarypastels, @theslowesthnery, @behind-the-mental-illness, @chaotichero, @disgustinganimals, @hurrricane-irene, @tequilamockingbird2015, @smokeplanet

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stylessemantics · 7 years

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11 Questions Tag

Rules:

1. Always post these rules. 2. Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. Write 11 questions of your own. 4. Tag 11 people.

I was tagged by 3 cuties and I’ll be answering all their questions. Under the cut cause it’s 33 questions. Also I’m reposting my same questions cause not a lot of people have answered them, and I want to tag different people and have them answer the same 11 questions I came up with the first time I was tagged so... Let’s go! :)

@fairylightsstyles aka T’s Questions :D

1. Who is the person you admire the most? I’m going to go with my mom. cliché I know but she’s amazing. I also admire Ed Sheeran, Harry Styles, Emma Watson, etc etc etc.

2. If you could be in any television series what would it be? The Flash. I want to have super powers lol. Or maybe Sherlock Holmes or some comedy sitcom.

3. Best childhood memory? I’m going to go with going to New York for the first time ever. It was a long flight for 9 year old me (assuming i was nine, i can’t remember. Have to ask around)

4. Favourite song at the moment? Escuela De Calor by Radio Futura. It’s old and I’ve loved it for a while but recently I made a Guitar Hero 4 playlist with all the songs I loved to play when my brother and I jammed out and I was reminded of this hit. Play it first when I go to take a shower or whatever and put on that playlist. It’s such a dance-able song I’m very in love and know every beat and drop to it and always dance it very sexily.

5. Where is the place you feel most at home? Home. I wish I had some awesome thing I can say like some tree house or some hill or whatever but we don’t do those things here or live close by to one. Also I was never a leave my house walking to go over to some hangout place with my friends type of person. No one in this country is really. Specially when young. So I’m saying home feels like home. In my room. I hate being home though. Also my cousin’s place in Miami feels a LOT like home. Second home it is really.

6. What is the country you want to travel to the most? *brain from pinky and the brain voice* Same as it’s been the past 11 years, lovely: England.

7. What plans do you have for the summer? Summer? What is that? I go to college, I study in the summer :P But the plans are hopefully London in June or July. The opportunity struck and I’m almost fainting at the thought.

8. 3 guilty pleasure songs? No Reason Boner - NSP (i know all of it i’m sorry. Any NSP song really is... god damn. Also Dan I love you.) Persona 5 OST. (my brother’s fault. Completely) Undertale OST. (specially metaton’s theme, Bonetrousle and asgore’s theme... Oh and Final Sans fight theme... SORRY THIS GAME IS GENIUS) whoops.

9. If you could say something to the whole world, what would you say? LOVE LOVE LOVE. SPREAD LOVE IT’S NOT THAT HARD AND IT MAKES THINGS SO MUCH EASIER!!! TREAT OTHERS HOW YOU WANT TO BE TREATED. ALSO STREAM SOTT AND BUY HARRY’S ALBUM.

10. What is the best meal you’ve ever eaten? OMG I don’t know if it’s the best meal but it was the one that popped up the quickest, and technically I didn’t eat it, it was my mom’s plate; but there’s Peruvian place here and UGH! Apparently Perú has like THE best cuisine (according to my parents that have travelled quite a lot) and jesus lord everything we have eaten there is so good. Mom had... this amazing Salmon in fucking PASSION FRUIT SAUCE OMG PASSION FRUIT SAUCE GOES WITH EVERYTHING GUYS UGH NOW IM CRAVING IT.

11. Do you believe in ghosts? yes and no. if they are for real well then i don’t think i’ve done something wrong to anyone enough for them to spook me, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be moving into some “rumour has it this house is haunted” place. If they aren’t real then good, but I’m not gonna go testing the theory and getting myself into some dark magic/spirit shit or using some ***** board (I’m not even saying the name of it)

@cheshirepuddin‘s questions <3

1. Who’s your role model? My Mom, Harry, Ed, Emma Watson, My Cinematography Language teacher, My Concept Art teacher, My Art Direction teacher.

2. What’s something you want to accomplish in the short term? Is losing weight a short term thing? Let’s go with that or finally finishing some of the million and one fics I’ve got collecting dust in my files.

3. What would you like to ask Harry? WOW uhm... On the spot I can’t think of a good enough question. I would ask him to recommend me one thing for every branch of art. A book, a song or artist, a movie, a painter or painting, etc etc etc. I would also ask him if he’d like to hang out later on and teach me things. Get your heads out of the gutter I mean it in the sense of teaching me art, writing, something he loves, something he thinks is his expertise. To spread knowledge with me. If he’d allow me to be with him as a little grasshopper for a while.

4. If you could travel through time once and then come back, would you prefer to travel to the past or the future? Why? Neither. I have a lot of things I would love to change but I also am kind of a believer that every single decision, no matter how small, makes you who you are. And although I could be a lot better, this is my life and I guess it’s not half bad. Also seeing the future scares me and I would hate to spoil my own ending to myself. Based on that thing about decisions, today my future can be one thing but tomorrow, based on what I do, it could be another. Also FLASHPOINT PARADOX GUYS. LORD TIME IS SO INTERESTING. Is there even a past to go back to? You’re telling me the past is happening RIGHT NOW in some other time and I can go to it? Or the future? Then why isn’t it happening now? What defines past and why can or would we be able to travel to it?

5. Where’s your favourite place you’ve been to? None of the places I’ve been seems to catch my eye enough for me to call them anything close to a favourite. That’s so sad wow.

6. Would you like to get married and have kids someday? yes yes yes. Would love to marry. Would love to have (3?) kids. Would love for one of them to be adopted.

7. Do you have a motto you live by? I thought I didn’t but I like to think I go with the treat others how you wish to be treated thing. Also I’m always telling my friends that emotions demand to be felt. That’s like my line. Emotions demand to be felt; even bad ones. What I will not allow you is to feel the bad ones for any longer than you have to ;)

8. Have you ever been in love? Are you now? I don’t think so. Unless we consider Harry and even I - with all my hopes that maybe someday we will meet and he’ll find me interesting enough to keep me around - can’t call this love. I don’t know him to be able to love him like... proper love him. So I don’t think I have been, and I don’t think I am now.

9. Which song reminds you of some time/someone/something very important to you? Any old song that my mom has ever shown me reminds me of her, cause she has amazing taste in music. Same with my dad or my mom or my best friends. There’s a song that reminds me of something important that has yet to happen though. My wedding. There’s a few songs I know I NEED to have at my wedding, and when they come up they make me think of me dancing them on that amazing day if it ever happens.

10. Do you pay attention to fashion trends? yes and no. I’m not up to date with fashion in general. I just see something I like and would love to try and I try to do it. I never rock anything so I go back to what I already know and call my comfort zone. I pay attention to them to some degree. They look great on other people and I never quite get to try them or buy anything similar, and when I do I don’t rock it so I don’t keep trying.

11. If you could change anything about your life, what would it be? Everything. Goes against my travelling in time answer but lord would I change it all. whoops. I would change a lot of it. Not all of it. Specially bad things.

@legend-waitforit-harry aka J’s Questions :P

1. What’s the name of your autobiography if you write one? I think it’d be a guide on how to laugh at yourself both because you’re a pity and because you have to let go of things. And I’d call it something like “Do as I say, not as I do. A guide to living with your damn brain.”

2. One incident you will never forget. STORY TIME! When I was a kid, around 6 years old maybe less maybe a bit more, no more than 8, I used to take afternoon english classes at the same school I went to in the morning. After classes were over we would run around and play with the rest of the kids that were in tutoring or english classes that were also out of their class already and waiting to be picked up. There is of course a “no running in the hallways” policy in pretty much every school. While playing something silly like tag or something we were chasing someone and I took the empty hallways as route. I had sandals that were slippery and I was running very fast. Right as this guy Ivan - who is a year younger than me and the principal’s secretary’s son- walked out of the classroom he was at. I can still remember it went in slow motion. Me putting my arms out and trying to stop running, him looking at me and going wide-eyed. Both of us screaming. My feet slipping and being unable to stop. And then black. LITERALLY. BLACK! You could have added the little hit signs they add to cartoons when people crash into each other. I opened my eyes and my vision was blurry and a teacher was helping me up. I was ok. I don’t quite remember how or where I landed. Ivan was crying and in pain. He had fallen on the very edge of the little step that divided the cement hallway from the actual court where we could play. I only had a scratch, a bit of pain in my arm that I think was what collided with him. I was fine and wondering why Ivan didn’t get up and continued to cry out “ouch ouch please”.

Ivan had split the back of his head open on the step. Just a bit. I think he had 10 stitches total. His mom arrived short after; like really short after. I think she was on her way to pick him up when it happened and arrived to the school to find his child wallowing in pain on the ground and with a cracked skull bleeding out. I hid. God I hid. I was so scared of my parents finding out, of Ivan’s mother finding out, of my parents having to pay Ivan’s then seemingly difficult operation (i was like 6 I thought the guy would die cause of me)

Ivan knows I guess, and his mom is the absolute sweetest woman ever and she never resented me for it, if she knows it was me. If they know it was me; they never showed. To this day my parent’s don’t know. Or I think they don’t. Ivan and I get along good and we were friends while we were in school. Don’t know if he even remembers it was me who accidentally crashed into him. The next day at school all of the kids that were there that afternoon (we all went to the same school the ones who took classes in the afternoon there) were called to the principal’s office and I remember my principal asking “who crashed into him?” and the second grade teacher legit pulling my by the shoulder shoving me in front of the group and I was almost weeping. I don’t think I got any punishment other than a warning and an obvious lesson.

Do not run in the hallways.

3. Lyrics that means a lot to you. Que todo tiene su hora, debajo del sol naciente, ya viene tu amor bendito de nada vale ser impaciente. Juan Luis Guerra’s Todo Tiene Su Hora

You can’t bribe the door on your way to the sky. You look pretty good down here but you ain’t really good - Harry Styles’ Sign Of The Times

It’s alright to cry, [...] It’s alright to die cause death’s the only thing you haven’t tried [...] So live life like you’re giving up, cause you look like you are. - Ed Sheeran’s Even My Dad Does Sometimes.

4. You’re winning a Nobel Peace Prize. What’s the cause you worked for? Nothing lol I’m definitely not winning one of those. I’m thinking equality. Gender equality, race equality, culture equality, respect for human rights. That or some psychology topic I expressed in some book (NOT SELF HELP I HATE THOSE) in a way that makes it relatable and everyone laugh. Like why be happy when you can be normal? (that is an actual book)

5. If you are given all the money in the world but need to have a new identity, who are you and where are you? I’m still me and I live in England. Don’t ask.

6. Mountain or ocean? Both. Never been to a mountain tho but I want to go and I’m not sure it will mark a significant decision over these two. I’m always going to like something that is not staying home.

7. If you were asked to do something out of your comfort zone, what would it be? Definitely Model. Whatever it is, taking photos of me, my face, my body, my hands, my feet; whatever it is you could model... Just no. I’m terrified of the thought and I would be so uncomfortable knowing the results would be awful and everyone would hate them or that at least I would.

8. If you can kill anyone without any repercussions who would you kill and why? No one. I don’t think I will kill anyone. You can joke all you want about someone being very nasty and whatever but I would never. If you give me a repercussion-free bullet, I hope and pray I never have to use it. I only would in defence of my family and loved ones.

9. Any childhood nightmares? My parents suffering some accident in one of their many travels. To this day I think that’s the biggest nightmare.

10. A song that makes you cry. Even My Dad Does Sometimes - Ed Sheeran Fall - Jonas Brothers. Supermarket Flowers - Ed Sheeran Cuando Te Beso - Juan Luis Guerra.

11. Recommend me: a song, a book and a movie. (Sorry, Iv! Stole your question) YOU THIEF! No jk, it’s fine. Uhhh. A Song: look at my song rec tag I don’t think I have a good one right now. I love too many songs. Let’s go with Harry’s unreleased tracks. I recommend those. Also To Die For by the Bohicas cause it just came up.

A Book: My teenage-self is screaming at me to recommend you Elizabeth Scott’s Bloom, or Heather Brewer’s The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod (THAT I STILL HAVE TO FINISH, GOD DAMN)

A Movie: it’s sad to admit but I don’t have a good movie to recommend you. Maybe The Green Mile if you want to cry and have your life shaken up, watch it. It shattered me. That movie fucked me up. I still have flashbacks to it and fucking weep.

I’m tagging: (different people than i did the last time): @team-styles @honeyskins @moonchildstyles @stylesprimes @yeshaddy @weeklyfangirl @stylesunchained @a-butterfly-on-his-tummy @secret-rendezvous1d @cuddlemusclestyles @whoopsharrystyles

My questions: (once more):

Do you have a favourite pet name? What is it and why, and if you don’t have/don’t like pet names; why?

Tell me a Joke:

Are you a plant inside the house person? If yes; fake or real plants. if not: why?

Take me down memory lane and tell me a first. (first tattoo, first kiss, first time you saw the colour pink idc, just take me with you)

Pick one of Harry’s 8 unreleased songs and give me a prediction. What does it sound like? What is it about? Get creative and write a verse of the song if you want. Just for funsies!

You’ve just won a Grammy/Oscar/Emmy/IDK. Thank you speech? Go:

Fill in the blanks: I instantly smile when _____ because _____

Favourite Harry Trait? #AHarryLovePlatform.

What don’t you understand? (besides this question, come on, be creative) ((example: IDU how people don’t like Harry Styles))

If a sandwich was named after you, what would it be called (your name or something else)? What did you do to earn that honour? What’s in it? (taken from my 1 page at a time daily creative companion book)

Recommend me: a song, a book and a movie. (they can be Harry inspo or not. Just give me art!)

#11 questions challenge #11 questions tag #tag #i was tagged #tumblr shenanigans #tumblr shenanigans with people i love #I'm sorry #this is long #about me #personal

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