#also designing him was so goddamn funny because i had a pretty solid look for him but then i stepped back and went 'fuck'

[asterleavess]

Finally trying Hermit-a-Day May for the first time, and today's hermit is Beef! I've been having some difficulty lately with art anxiety, so this seems like a good opportunity to encourage myself!

I've always found that when making hermit designs, I've felt limited in feeling like I had to make them more palatable in a way? Like in order for them to be seen as valid, I had to be strict with myself and make them less weird, and that wasn't fun! So for this month, I want to try and go unique and just enjoy the design process!

For Beef, I made him a mix of the standard minotaur look people give him, and also mixed it with his alien arc from season 8 because I will NEVER let that plot go (also he's also not angry at all here, the way I drew his face just happened to turn out this way and the big ol fangs are obscuring the smile a wee bit!)

[something-very-special]

they ran over the seals

More Replicant playthrough observations and general nonsense under the cut. For reference, up to the keystone quest; completed the Forest of Myth and Junk Heap.

This fucking game I swear to god.

A vaguely coherent ramble about sidequests An observation about sidequests in general in this game -- and I don't recall if I ever voiced this somewhere public or it was just a personal observation from my time with the original -- is that the quests in the first half of the game are all relatively easy to complete. There's that one asshat who wants 10 goat hides, but other than him, most of the sidequests are either very much based on finding characters, or gathering a sensible number of items that are either relatively common, purchasable, or given a guaranteed spawn for the duration of that quest.

The sidequests everybody remembers having to do are in the second half, where everybody is demanding and awful and I'm sorry ten MACHINE OILS do you know how goddamn rare those are? They're goddamn rare.

(We'll not discuss Life in the Sands.)

This is generally agreed to, in the technical vernacular, 'suck'. And it's always funny that the most interesting sidequests are the ones with very minimal requirements (Yonah's cooking, getting Popola drunk, the Lighthouse Ladoh my god everything's gone blurry I'm not crying you're crying who am I kidding we're both crying). That particular aspect of the design also feels intentional, not really gating your ability to progress the really meaningful or funny sidequests behind an unreasonable number of rare items. The other aspect of the design is that these quests are not meant to be completed in a single playthrough; most of them are single-stage and just absolutely unreasonable, but if you're going through the game four times you have a... reasonable chance of getting everything you need more or less naturally.

Nobody does that but I think that was the intended design. I think it's a good idea, although the execution of expectation is flawed so I don't really blame people for saying those sidequests suck. (Although I will in turn blame people for saying the sidequests suck as a blanket statement. Yeah getting that guy who burned his kitchen down a billion Broken Motors is aggravating but did you not find that old man's dog? Speak to Ursula on her death bed? Solve a murder? Then again I think tracking down that rotten son who's trying to get away from The Family Business only to learn his father is a con-artist and get literally no reward is the height of comedy so maybe I'm not the greatest point of reference.)

But that asshole in Facade can get bent. I can't exploit my garden properly, jackass! I am no longer a god of time. (I kid, of course.) (This guys sucks even when you can fix your clock.)

Forest of Myth It didn't even occur to me to wonder how they would incorporate the comprehensive voice acting into the Forest of Myth. I like how it plays out, although I wish the voices maybe had a fade as you went deeper into the dream instead of just cutting out at some point, especially for the lines where the characters are being ascribed actions by the narrator that they themselves aren't doing near the start of the Deathdream. But it's just delightful to go back to it. The second half of the game really sticks in your mind both for emotional reasons and because you play it at least three times per full playthrough of the game, but the first half is just so much fun.

Protip: Talk to everybody after you've finished the dream sidequest. Weiss tries to dissuade you. Don't let him dissuade you. I'm still delighted by the Mayor; "We're building a statue of you, made of solid gold. I know you don't own a horse, but we're going to put you on a horse."

I forgot about Yonah being a disaster chef Papa Nier's reaction to the stew is better. Brother is still funny but Papa Nier just expecting to die is comedy gold.

For anybody curious, the joke about the cakes is that Yonah made 'fruit cake' using some of the worst possible fruits for cake-making. If only she'd thrown a tomato into the mix, too.

Lighthouse Lady Every time. what the fuck is a canal I'm aware of the addition of the new-old content but it didn't occur to me until Popola suddenly starts nattering on about fixing the canal when I'm expecting Yonah to talk about a penpal that oh, yeah, I guess Seafront would have had something going on the first half that would play into the second half? (I assume it does. Be weird to introduce these characters just to have groundwork for an added sidequest. ...but it was a cute sidequest.) But look Popola my boy is supposed to be in the next area I visit could we-- I mean he's on the way could we just-- no-- fiiiiiiiiiine. (It was short and sweet, though, and I appreciate that the couple's love is exemplified by them both calling Weiss a floating magazine in tandem.) On a related note but was I the only person suddenly concerned when the sidequest completion maxed out at 50% and not 51%? I had to double-check with a guide just to make sure, since I've spent the last decade telling people to make sure you hit 51% before going on to Part II.

MY BOY I love that nowadays, Emil is everybody's son. But I really wish I could go find somebody only familiar with Automata and just watch their reaction. (I'm guessing there are streams out there that fulfill this but man I'd love to get it in-person.) If you're only familiar with him from Automata this has to be a mindfuck.

Personal anecdote, but I've had the privilege of playing NIER with somebody else almost every time I've gone through it. I had a wonderful experience of doing a replay some years back with somebody who had experienced it with me before but didn't have the most solid memory of the beginning (and had actually missed the entire weapon's lab the first time through). I get to the boy at the piano introducing himself and the 'Wait, what?' was a thing of beauty.

MY ANDROID This was a welcome mindfuck for me; finding Sebastian and having him 'reactivate' in such an unnatural, mechanical way. I don't recall if it was ever officially confirmed that Sebastian is an android (I know that it's just understood that this is the case but I'm not I can't recall a specific one) but the little flair they added to his animation caught me completely off guard. I liked it!

Destroying the food source A lot of people will cite a major inciting incident for the game as being when the protagonist heading back into the village and killing the child Shades just outside the entrance. This moment is such a great bit of subtle foreshadowing that's so easy to miss... but kind of joining that, just before the Knave of Hearts attacks, I realized that the Shades out on the Northern Plains are clearly ramping up for an assault of their own by murdering the sheep. The sheep population at this point is decimated (which is great when you realize you haven't gotten the Sheepslayer trophy and you're about to enter Part II and you don't know if the boar drifting minigame got carried forward with the inclusion of 15 Nightmares). You go out onto the Plains and you will find not only small clusters of sheep left behind instead of the vast, terrifying herds from the start of the game, but until you get their attention the Shades are prioritizing killing the sheep. (Also annoying because that doesn't count toward my sheep murder number.) The Shades will be out there also killing sheep earlier on, but since the whole map is in Overcast mode after talking to Yonah it's especially prevalent to go out to the Northern Plains and seeing the slaughter. And I realized-- they're cutting the Village off from a primary food source. Shades don't eat and they don't have any beef with the local ungulates (at least, no more so than anybody else does), so why are they hunting down the sheep? To deprive their enemies of resources. Sheep are extinct by the timeskip. It's actually really clever of them, and a really clever indication of their sentience and intelligence before it's fully verified.

"Let's get these shit-hogs!" Everything about the way Kaine and Emil interact across the entire game is perfect I will brook no argument this is objective fact.

Emotive Rectangles I wrote an essay about this before but it really bears repeating that the job the original animators did with this scene is just phenomenal. The way Weiss drifts, flits, flips, fans his pages, drunkenly swerves, shoots around the room in defiance... He's a goddamn rectangle, but there is so much emotion and personality in this scene just based on the movements conveyed through a what is effectively just a box. Ten years later and triple-A titles with full facial capture don't have this much seething personality. I really have to give props to the cavia animators, wherever they wound up. That studio could really put some subtle love and care into their titles, utterly unnecessary and easy to miss but you can tell that whoever was working on it was giving it their all. The books are probably the exemplification of this, but every time I go into Seafront and visit the seals I can tell that the guy on seal duty was having just the best day. They made Emil so pretty There's an FMV cutscene right smack in the middle of the original game after the battle against Noir. I understand why it was a necessity on a technical level, but it always looked pretty out of place and a little uncanny valley compared to the rest of the graphical fidelity. That's no longer a necessity so this cutscene is rendered in-engine. I admit I was actually curious to see it redone this way and it looks fantastic. I single out Emil since he is the focal point of cutscene and because his particular high-poly model had some pretty weird difference from his in-engine model, but he and Kaine both look great. But, like, it's almost mean how pretty he is.

They made Brother Nier so pretty Yeah okay you got me he's kind of hot. Kaine's expression when she wakes up and looks him over is... significantly easier to read now. Good voice, too. (Ancient rumors tell that one of the issues with international releases of RepliCant was that they couldn't find an English VA with a voice that 'fit' Brother Nier. He sounded good out the gate but hearing him growl "Let's go TAKE CARE of those KIDS" during the thief sidequest-- I got chills. It sounds so silly but there's a kind of percolating fury to that delivery. Papa Nier was like frustrated but mostly disappointed dad; I felt like Brother was going to take care of those kids, and nobody was going to find the bodies. Younger Brother Nier just never stops looking goofy to me but Older Brother just looks great in motion, between the alterations they made to the movement and just the entire weaponry system. The distinction between the two halves of the game was always a little odd in the Gestalt version-- not odd enough to really raise eyebrows if you didn't know about RepliCant, but of course you can tell that this age gape between the optimistic doe-eyed dogooder and a man largely ruled by his fury and calloused by tragedy is what the timeskip was going for. Swab me down and call me Ishmael, it works. Younger Brother wasn't quite clicking with me-- not because of any writing or voicework issues, but I've got Papa Nier on the back of my mind and it's impossible not to compare and contrast the delivery and dialogue between the two. I know that this is intentional, too; Younger Brother is supposed to be that happy-go-lucky video game protagonist, always doing the right thing and helping people, in order to contrast against the man he becomes. Even just edging into Part II the effect is dramatic and it recontextualizes Younger Brother into a much more effective overall character. And let me reiterate, I enjoyed my time with Younger Brother just fine, I have no issues with him. But he's up against Well Meaning Big Dummy Part I Papa Nier. No contest. And I'm excited to see where Older Brother goes from here.

Speaking of voices I mentioned this before but the delivery on the character's lines is different. The entire game was re-recorded and quite a few lines are still pretty similar to the original, but there are some that are... definitely different. Part of this is a difference in the relationship between characters based on their life experience and ages-- Weiss is much more of an ass to Younger Brother but has a much more even respect for Older Brother (neither of which are like the rapport he established with Father). Some of Kaine's lines feel more aloof, dismissive, and almost tired in the front half of the game. I haven't really gotten to a point to dig into Emil's rapport with the other characters, but the delivery feels more hesitant and uncertain (which I think is more in line with his Japanese VO, but I'm prefacing that on an untrained ear and a presumption rather than recent memory). It's been interesting to see not just where hey adjusted dialogue (and how-- there are some lines that didn't need to be rewritten), but also how they adjust tone and delivery. Dealing with Younger Brother is one thing, but as I said, I'm very excited to see what's different in the second half, especially being much more familiar with that part of the game. Speaking of Voices! Halua got dialogue! I... preferred when it was inferred (and the implications of "I'll always be watching over you" are borderline malicious given the results of their fusion dance, yeah THANK YOU HALUA this is GREAT). Halua's delivery also felt a little too innocent and upbeat both for the situation and when compared to her narrative voice in The Stone Flower, where she comes across as much more cynical and cold. But given what she's been through and the nightmare she's finally escaping I guess she's allowed express happiness. She's certainly earned the right to having a spoken line. No matter what. Every fuckin' time.

"Here we go." This was always a great line to kind of ease in to the officially-official start of Part II-- every time you start up a New Game+ you're greeted with Emil musing about his conflation of Halua to Kaine, and then the phrase "Here we go". There's a lot in that one line. On a personal level he's grounding his thoughts in the moment and steeling himself for what comes next and pushing through his pain and sadness and fear. Whatever Nier told him in the facility he's still terrified, desperately terrified, that Kaine -- who was the one who told him his life had meaning -- is going to reject him. And why wouldn't she? Ultimately they don't know each other, not really. He understands at that moment that his relationship with Kaine is based on confused memories of his sister, that maybe the bond he thought they established isn't actually real. As soon as he frees Kaine he's going to have to confront her, like this, and how could she ever-- she won't-- but he can't just leave her. Whatever happens next. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. (God it matters.) "Here we go." On a meta level, that's our introduction into the second half of the game. The first half is all prologue. This is where we'll be spending the rest of our time, even to the point that 'New Game+' skips straight ahead to this moment. Now that we've finished the establishment, this is where it all builds and where it all matters. Here we go, audience. The ride starts now. You get up to this point now in Replicant. You get the same lead-in. My dumb ass even whispered "Here we go", because I can't help myself. And he says, of course he says--! "Anyway." ... ...a-anyway? What the hell kind of line is that? "Here's some deeply personal musings that are also an indication of my own discomfort as I babble to myself just to fill the void so I can stave off thinking for just a few more seconds. ANYWAY." What a... bizarre decision. Just bizarre.

Upgraded melee combat The introduction to the armored Shades always feel kind of rough-- the defenses on those Shades are significantly higher than anything you've faced and the new weapons you're given to combat them just aren't that good. (If you got lucky you could have a fully-upgraded Faith by now, which is nearly three times as powerful as the 'heavy' two-handed sword you're given; if you downloaded the 4 YoRHa pack for Replicant you've probably been able to upgrade one of those weapons once, which are also a really nice strength boost that leaves the freebie heavy swords and spears in the dust). As an introduction to the new weapon types it always feels like rough going. But then you get a chance to get decent weapons and the combat system truly opens up, and compared to the first game you really feel it. At this juncture I would always just bustle off to Facade and grab the Phoenix Spear and never look back-- the raw power compared to the rest of your arsenal coupled with the triangle dash is basically the bread and butter of the rest of the game. It's not exciting, but it's effective. No more triangle dashing, which was deeply disappointing... but both weapons definitely feel good. I am also somewhat ashamed to admit that it wasn't until now that I realized attacks weren't just about rhythmic input-- you can hold the attacks down to do different charged hits and combos depending on when you execute them in your combo, similar to Automata. I, uh... I felt a bit dumb. But hey, wow, it's a welcome adjustment and it makes all of the weapon types feel equally valuable for different purposes. I never liked using the heavy blades in the original release because they just felt too slow for the damage output they did, even if their 'point' was mostly to sheer off armor (and they definitely felt too slow for use in crowd control). Now they're still heavy and slower, but not to the point that you're basically leaving yourself open just trying to attack. Spears now do crazy sweeping combos and multi-hits. Both of these properties were borrowed from Automata and I find myself prioritizing melee combat and almost forgetting I have magic because honestly it just feels intuitive and fun. I feel like Kaine and Emil might have gotten a power boost as well? Not that I can really confirm this but going into some of the Junk Heap rooms I'd focus on killing a few robots in the corner and then turn around and just see a field of item drops and no more robots. Don't take my word on that, of course, but they felt a little more effective, and a placebo effect is still an effect. "You're staging a protest? That's fun!" Emil. Rebel without a cause. Will not hesitate to kill you if you trespass on his property. (Might explain the statues in the courtyard, actually.) I'll have to double-check this dialogue because I definitely remember more of a melancholia before we get to roasting marshmallows. I think Papa Nier actually offers to talk to/implicitly threaten the villagers to let them in the Village whereas Brother offers to sleep outside with them... which is actually kind of funny. In the former it comes off as Emil and Kaine maybe kinda-sorta not wanting to be allowed in the Village for their own reasons (they're not happy reasons but they're reasons nonetheless) and reassuring Father that no, it's okay, it's fun! The latter is almost telling Brother to stay inside because he'll ruin their sleepover.

(They're absolutely having giggly girl talk about him outside the gates, 100%.) they ran over the seals All I want in Seafront is to enjoy the music and run out to the big beach and hang out with the last living seals and they put a fucking pirate ship on top of them. Oh, wow. Gideon. Wow. OG Nier featured a Gideon that tried to keep himself together and then had fits of mania. You'd be concerned about him during some of the dialogue but generally speaking he came across as... functional. The delivery on all of his lines is now so insanely murder bonkers, like every line he's addressing you like you're already chained to the wall of his serial killer dungeon and it's glorious. I don't know if the distinction between the games is deliberate (in that Gideon in Gestalt was just more even-keeled between his 'rip 'em apart' snarlings and was always just totally nutso in RepliCant) but I do appreciate it. It's a good mirror to Brother Nier's own anger, which only ever seems to be mollified when he's talking to his friends (even kindly accepting sidequests there's a pretty consistent -- not universal, but consistent -- air of barely-bridled frustration). The other characters that Brother encounters are various reflections of himself if things had just been a little different-- Gideon was a representation of the kind of obsessive madness that would have eaten Brother alive if he hadn't had his network of support. Gideon's constant fury and bloodlust even bleeds into him just saying "What can I do for you?" He has no anchor to keep himself sane, nobody to stay human for; he's all mania, all anger, and he only takes any real interest in Brother on his return because he sees an opportunity to act out his vengeance. After defeating Beepy and Kalil he even goes so far as to not only blame Beepy for killing Jakob, but for also killing their mother, which is patently insane but really speaks to how far his justifications and fury have taken him. Papa Nier responds to his anger toward Beepy by basically backing away slowly and saying "Oookay then". Brother, however, actually commiserates; "That's enough. [...] We get it. We really do." This is definitely one of those moments where Brother's context works better than Father's; he absolutely sees himself in Gideon. He completely understands him and sympathizes. He recognizes the madness of his own quest, he sees where it could take him, and there's a resignation when he speaks to Weiss: "Revenge is a fool's errand." "...yeah." Papa Nier has a similar delivery and similarly implies that he understands how terrible his quest is, but there's something decidedly haunting in Brother's sympathy. Also just verifying something on the wiki and this bit of 'Trivia' really jumped at me:

Gideon is the only character to only cause the deaths of other characters. In his case, he caused a platform to crush Jakob and ordered the deaths of P-33 and Kalil, with P-33 surviving.

Metal AF.

[alarawriting]

52 Project #38: All We Wanna Do Is Eat Your Brains

Like “No Lullaby” at number 19 and “The Lake” at number 20, this is a songfic. Unlike those, the song itself -- Jonathan Coulton’s “Re: Your Brains” -- is comedic, so this is a comedy wrapped up in the skin of a horror story. Trigger warning for zombies, but no speaking characters get killed by zombies in this story.

-----

The fifth floor of the six-story Peaceful Pines Towne Centre shopping mall was entirely occupied by the business offices of the real estate company that owned and managed it, and many other similar shopping malls.

It was divided into two halves, the west side and the east side, with elevators in the center, and locked, heavy wooden doors between the two sides. At one point both of those doors had been unlocked. On the west side, there had been attractive, frosted glass doors leading to the reception area; those had been smashed. On the east side, there were security doors painted the same color as the wall. Those were locked, but could normally be opened with company badges. The system that allowed the badge locks to work had been unplugged, and the badge lock itself had been disconnected from the inside.

Once upon a time, the salespeople and the financial analysts and the C suite had all had offices or cubicles on the west side, and the IT people, engineers, and facilities management had all had offices or cubicles on the east side. HR had been on the west side, but right near the doors; all the people from that department were all on the east side now.

The bathrooms were in the hallway; the break room was on the west side, with the coffee machine, refrigerator and water cooler. On the east side there was nothing to support human life except air, the water cooler replacement jugs, and several packages of granola bars that one of the engineers had stashed in her desk.

The security cameras still worked, so it was quite possible to see, if you were looking at the monitor screens, a disheveled, pudgy man with short, straight dirty-blond hair, wearing a suit, with skin that was normally the pinkish-beige of a white guy but was now kind of grayish and also yellowish, standing in front of the security doors. “That you, Tom?” he said cheerfully.

“Uh, yeah?” The man on the east side of the security doors was tall and skinny, with black hair in a ponytail. He was also white, but had the kind of skin color which could maybe mean Greek, Southern Italian, Northern Middle East, or something like that, except that it hadn’t seen much sun in months, maybe years. It also had a bit of a sallow cast to it, but nowhere near as strong as the man on the other side of the doors.

“Hey there! It’s Bob, from down the hall. Good to see you, buddy! How’ve you been?”

“Uh… okay, I guess? Overall? Today hasn’t been great though…”

“Oh, I feel ya, buddy, I feel ya. Things were going okay for me, too, but now I’m a zombie!” Bob chuckled. “Isn’t it funny, the curveballs life throws you?”

“Uh, yeah. Funny. Hey, if you’re a zombie how come you can talk?”

On the monitors, they could see Zombie Bob shrug. “I’m no egghead. I’ll let the scientists figure that one out. But we’re not all dumb just because we’re zombies, you know.  I’ve been the head of Strategic Marketing for two years now… oh, but I guess you know that!” Bob laughed. “I know, I know, we’re coworkers! I don’t have to explain my position to you.”

“Sounds like maybe a touch of memory loss, there, Bob,” Tom said.

“Nah, nah, I’ve just been meeting with so many new people today! This zombie thing, it’s really underrated. I know I was practically pissing my pants when I realized I’d been bitten, but now that I’m a zombie? Oh, I know I look kind of unhealthy, but actually I feel great! No pain, and I’m never gonna have to worry about dieting again! Yeah, I’m gonna miss French fries, but to be honest I was considering doing keto, and this is kind of like extreme keto, right?”

“But zombies eat people. Right?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course we do. Mostly brains, those are the best part. Hey, listen, Tom? Could you do me a solid here?”

“Uh… what do you want?”

“Ah, it’s not a big deal. I just need you to open up these doors so me and my new colleagues can come inside and eat your brains.”

Tom took several seconds to process this request. Finally he said, “Why, exactly, do you think we’d be willing to do that?”

“Hey, I know. It’s a big step, right? You just get a little bite, then you turn into a zombie and you live forever, long as you can keep eating, but we’re gonna be eating your brains, so you’re not gonna be turning into zombies. I can see why you’d be reluctant to do that.”

“Okay, so why did you ask?”

“Well, here’s the deal, Tom. You’re all gonna die screaming. It’s gonna happen. Maybe not this minute, but by the end of the day, it’s happening. So why put it off? Why put yourselves through the agony of anticipation? Just, you know, rip the bandaid off and get it over with.”

“Yeah, no. We’re not doing that.”

“Come on, I don’t think it’s unreasonable. All we wanna do is eat your brains. It’s not like anyone’s talking about eating your eyes here!” Bob laughed again. On the monitor, the elevator opened, and two more zombies came out. They began to scratch mindlessly at the security doors. “Hey, hey there, folks, we’re not getting through these bad boys unless they let us in. Save your fingernails and teeth for a softer target, okay?”

The zombies actually seemed to listen to him. They stepped back and stood quietly.

“I’m not sure you’ve fully thought this through, buddy,” Bob said in a genially condescending tone. “Don’t mean to nitpick here, but this isn’t much of a plan. I know you’ve got a few guns in there, and maybe you’ve got the extra water cooler jugs and the refills for the vending machine? But really, how long’s that gonna last? You haven’t even got a bathroom in there. Bet it’s getting pretty stinky.”

“We’ve got some supply closets over here , and some buckets. We’re getting by.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like you can open a window and let some air in, or dump your buckets! Those windows in there, they don’t open. I know! I kept sending memos to facilities, asking if I could get a window that opened, and it was always, no, none of the windows open, they’re not designed that way! Guess they didn’t want any of C-suite to be able to jump if commercial real estate tanked again.” Bob laughed.

Tom stepped away from the door for a moment, speaking quietly and urgently to Nishant, who was waiting for an update. “They don’t know about the windows,” he whispered to Nishant, who grinned briefly, and then ran back toward the IT manager’s office. It was Tom’s office, but it was on this side, with his department, rather than on the other side where all the other managers’ offices were.

He returned to the door to talk to Bob. “We’ll get by,” he said.

“Whoo-ee. Only thing I can smell anymore is tasty meat, but I tell you, I don’t envy you. Hey, why don’t we compromise? You open up the doors so you can dump your buckets, and then we all come inside and eat your brains.”

“That isn’t much of a compromise, Bob.”

“Sure, Tom, but have you thought through your alternatives? I mean, what’re you gonna do, spend the rest of your lives locked up in half the fifth floor of the shopping mall? Good enough for now, I suppose, and maybe you’ll get used to the stink, but sooner or later you’re gonna run out of food and ammo. Guess you’re gonna have to make a tough call then, huh?”

“I guess so,” Tom said.

“No, I don’t envy you at all. The way I see it, your options are, die of starvation, wait for us to break down the doors and eat your brains, or let us in, and at least the third option’s pretty quick.” He laughed again. “Though I’m gonna be honest here, Tom, I’m gonna eat you nice and slow.”

Tom sighed. “I have to say, Bob, I’m a tolerant guy but I’m really leery of this lifestyle choice of yours. I mean, eating brains? Have you ever considered not eating brains?”

“Well, I’ve considered it, but frankly they’re so goddamn tasty, who wouldn’t? I mean, if you guys manage to hold us off long enough, maybe it’ll come to the point where you have to eat each other, and then you’ll be eating your own brains. It’d be better to just get it out of the way quick, don’t you think?”

“I think we’ll manage.”

“I don’t think you’ve really thought things through, though. But that doesn’t really surprise me. You were always a detail-focused guy, never had much of a head for the big picture. Always trying to solve the problem of today, even if it causes problems tomorrow. But me, the big picture is what I do.”

Tom had heard this particular spiel before. “So what’s the big picture, then?” he asked, as behind him Ekaterina tapped him on the shoulder.

“The big picture here is that you’re gonna be dead one way or another. The whole human race is gonna go, Tom. And by the way, I don’t appreciate your comment about my ‘lifestyle.’ I’d be reporting you to HR, but I’m pretty sure all of HR is on your side of the doors.”

“Who’s on your side?”

Bob laughed. “Oh, wait, I got it! You’re mad at the comment I made about gay lifestyles a month ago! That was supposed to be a zinger, right?” He chuckled again. “Well, you’ll be pleased to hear I don’t care about any of that stuff anymore. You remember Kevin, right? The graphic designer?”

Kevin had been 23 and engaged to a boyfriend who was a guitarist in a band. “I remember him.”

“Well, now he’s one of us, and that’s all any of us care about. Gay, straight, white, black, it doesn’t matter once you’re a zombie. We’re all united together.”

“When you say ‘us’. Who’ve you got?”

“Well, right off the bat we got Horace. You would never imagine how delicious he was. You’d think all that fat on his gut would be a problem, but I’m here to tell you, he was exquisitely marbled.”

Horace had been the CEO. Tom shuddered, as he removed his pants and shirt, stripping down to his underwear. “I meant, who’s a zombie?”

“Well, honestly, most of the folks over here, we ate them. I got bit on my lunch hour, and after I turned, I led a bunch of folks from the mall up here. They’re good people, though, Tom. Really focused and dedicated. Hard workers.”

“Working hard at eating people.” Tom handed his clothes to Ekaterina, and she ran them back tto his office.

“Hey, it’s hard work to catch you guys. It’d be a lot easier if you’d just let us in.”

“Okay, break it down for me, Bob. What’s our ROI on letting you in? Where’s the win-win?”

“Sure thing! Now you’re speaking my language, Tom. I think it’s really great that you’re willing to work with me on this.” In the monitor, Bob smirked. “So here’s  the deal. We’re all really hungry and we really want to eat your brains.  You’re stuck in half a corporate office with nothing to eat and nowhere to go the bathroom. And no toilet paper! Man, that's gotta be rough. So what I’m suggesting is, you let us in, we eat your brains, you don’t have to live through any more of this bullcrap, and you don’t have to watch your families and loved ones get eaten. What do you say?”

Tom swallowed. The laser printed message in 48 pt font, on the paper Nishant was holding up, said “15 FT SHORT.”

“I can see you’ve got some good points there, Bob. But we actually don’t want to get eaten, so I think we’re gonna stick it out for now.”

“I sympathize with that, Tom. And I appreciate how you’re listening and considering my proposal. I’d really like to help you out, any way I can. What if I offer fast mercy killing? We don’t start eating you until you’re already dead, and we bludgeon you to death fast, no biting and tearing. How’s that?”

“Give me a minute to run that past some of my people,” Tom said, and walked over to Nishant. In an urgent whisper, he said, “You can’t find any more cloth?”

Nishant, who was naked except for Western-style underpants, shook his head. “The bras and underpants for everyone here wouldn’t get us the rest of the way, either,” he said. “It’d be different if we didn’t have to support Jason’s weight=”

“No one gets left behind, Nish.”

“I know, but that’s why we’ve had to make what amounts to five ropes in parallel instead of just one, because Jason’s arms are not strong enough to support 400 pounds.”

“Okay, and is anyone proposing a solution?”

“Xi said we should toss down cardboard boxes, but they won’t take his weight either.”

Tom sighed. “I can probably stall Bob for another five, ten minutes tops. You’re engineers. Figure it out or we’re dead.” A 15 foot drop wouldn’t kill most adult humans, but it might well render a lot of them unable to run afterwards, and in a zombie apocalypse, that’d essentially mean death. “Have we got confirmation on the helicopter?”

“They say it’s on its way,” Nishant whispered, shrugging.

“Okay. I’ll tie him up as long as I can.” Tom returned to the door. “Sorry, that’s a non starter. I’ve got a counter-proposal for you, though.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” Bob said approvingly. “Hit me.”

“What if, and I’m spitballing here, you let half of us go, and you just eat the brains of half of us?”

On the monitor,  Bob shook his head. “That’s not going to work for us,  I’m afraid.”

“What about a quarter?”

“It’s logistics, Tom. There’s no way you get out of here except the stairs and the elevator, and they’re both overrun with zombies. I can’t control all the zombies in this mall, just my own people.  You’re not getting to the bottom uneaten, and frankly, if someone’s going to eat you anyway, it should be me and my fellows. You can see my position on that, can’t you, Tom?”

“You could turn half of us into zombies, and eat the brains of the other half,” Tom suggested.

“No, afraid that’s not doable either,” Bob said.

“Mind filling me in on the decision process there?”

“No problem,” Bob said cheerfully. “We’re really hungry.”

“Huh. Well, I guess I can respect that, but that doesn’t get us past the hurdle that we don’t want to get eaten.  You have any suggestions?”

“Sure, I can compromise a bit. I want to work this out with you, Tom. I’m not a monster.” He paused. “Wait. Technically,  I guess I am. Huh. A horror movie monster.” On the monitor,  he shrugged. “It doesn’t feel too different from normal!”

“I doubt most monsters think of themselves as monsters,” Tom pointed out.

“Hey, good point, good point.” Bob looked at his wrist, which did not have a watch on it. “Look, it seems like we’re at an impasse for the moment. I’ve got another meeting, so maybe we could wrap this up?”

“Well, we haven’t worked out a deal yet…”

Nishant came back. This time the 48 pt font on the paper he was holding up said “ROOF. JASON’S UP. REST OF US GOING.”

Tom nodded to acknowledge the message. He didn’t really want to know how his mostly nerdy and unathletic coworkers could have climbed to the roof in the first place, but it was only one story overhead, unlike the ground five stories below, so it was a good plan. He turned back to the door. “But if you have a meeting, I guess there’s no help for it.”

“Yeah, we’d better table this for now, sorry. We’ll come back to this. I know we can get to common ground, somehow. Just gotta work it out,” Bob said. “I need to report in to my colleagues who’re chewing on the doors. Real dedicated folks.”

“Sure, and I need to report to the engineers with the guns that that’s what they’re doing.”

“Hey, I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out! I know we’re all busy as hell, and time is the one thing we can’t get more of, right? Especially for you guys.”

“Not a problem,  and I'm grateful for all the advice.”

“I’m glad you take constructive criticism well, “ Bob said, the genial condescension back. “Not everyone does. We’ll swing around to give another go at working things out later, and we’ll put this thing to bed when I bash your head open, all right?”

“Sure, if you don’t get a skull full of lead first.”

Bob laughed. “Man, Tom, you’re a funny guy! You should’ve done stand-up. See you later!”

As soon as he was gone, Tom ran for his office.

Bob seemed to have normal human intelligence  despite being a zombie. As soon as Tom had realized that, he’d known he’d have to keep Bob distracted so the zombie couldn’t hear any of the sounds within, especially the sound of breaking glass. He was right that the windows weren’t designed to open… but that wasn’t much of a barrier for a dozen desperate engineers.(Well. Technically nine desperate engineers and IT personnel, and three desperate people from HR.)

It was a good thing Bob himself wasn’t an engineer,  or he might have figured out what Tom had known, in a cold pit in his stomach,  the whole time.

The security doors were nearly impenetrable. But the walls they were attached to were just standard drywall. And they didn’t even go all the way to the real ceiling – just to the drop ceiling where the wires were. So any zombie who knew that could climb up into the ceiling and then jump down. If zombies could keep their human intelligence, then it was just luck that only one of the engineers had been down at the food court earlier today when the zombies attacked, and he’d moved fast enough to escape.

The window in his office was shattered. There had been a heavy hammer in the facilities closet, and Alexey had managed to grab two guns and ammo from the Bass Pro store in the mall before coming up the freight elevator and getting in through the delivery door – which was, thankfully, on the east side.  The glass on the fifth floor was thick, but between the hammer and a well-placed bullet, it had broken enough that they’d been able to smash the rest of it out.

Dangling just outside the window, where he could easily grab it and pull it inside, there was a cradle made of four ropes, where the ropes had been made by tying together scissored strips of everyone’s clothes. Tom stepped into the cradle, using the loops that had been tied onto the ropes to secure his wrists, and the straps on the bottom of the cradle to secure his legs. “Okay! I’m ready!” he yelled upward, and tugged on the cords.

His team pulled him up to the roof, with Nishant, Alexey, Xi and Timothy pulling on the ropes, and Jason sitting on the roof with the ends of the ropes tied behind him. Jason’s heart condition wouldn’t allow him to pull the ropes, but he could use his body as ballast to make sure none of the team fell. His face was pasty white, like there was no blood in his body, and he was breathing hard and sweating, but since Jason usually looked like that after any kind of minor exertion -- his heart was barely managing to do its job -- Tom wasn’t afraid he had turned.

Pete was holding one of Alexey’s two rifles. Ekaterina was unraveling the fifth rope and tying pieces of it around people’s waists and women’s chests, so they could have a tiny bit of modesty back.

“How did you guys manage to get to the roof?” Tom asked as he untied his straps and stepped out of the rope cradle.

“It was Ashley, actually,” Nishant said.

Ashley from HR was a petite woman, but in nothing but her bra and underpants, she was more muscular than Tom would have guessed. “ I do parkour and mountain climbing,” she said. “I’m not saying getting up here was fun, but you know, when the alternative is getting your brains eaten…”

In the distance he could see helicopters. “I know we contacted them already,” he said, “but let’s wave them down. Just to make sure.”

“We’ve got plenty of cloth to make flags,” Ekaterina said.

Tom wondered what Bob would think, when he and his zombies got the door open and found that they’d all gone through the window. The ropes had been pulled up, so he doubted that Bob’s first guess would be the roof… but Pete and Alexey were on guard with the guns, just in case.

Indrani, one of the programmers, leaned over the edge to see where they had come from. “Uh-oh,” she said. “They’ve found the window… looks like one of them is climbing out on the ledge.”

Alexey walked to the edge, cocked the rifle, and pointed downward. He fired. “Not anymore.”

They could all see the zombie fall. The shot hadn’t killed it – it was a chest shot, and they could see it flailing – but when it landed, a puddle of red appeared beneath it, including under its head, and it no longer moved.

“How much ammo have we got?” Tom asked.

“Enough to kill about 300 zombies, if every shot is perfect,” Alexey said.

“Which it’s not gonna be,” Pete added, somewhat unnecessarily. His brown hands were clenched so tightly on his rifle, the knuckles had turned white. “I’m… not the world’s best shot. I go to the range sometimes, get in a little bit of practice, but mostly I suck.”

“You’re probably better than most of us, though,” Tom said.

“I knew I should have gotten a shotgun,” Alexey complained. “At close range the rifle is almost useless.”

“You were under time pressure,” Ekaterina said. “If I’d been in the food court when a zombie turned and started biting people, I don’t think I would have been able to think clearly enough to go to the end of the mall and get a gun from the Bass Pro. Let alone two, and ammunition.”

“I think I see Bob down there,” Indrani said. “He’s… what is he doing?”

“Don’t fall off the side!” Timothy went to his knees rapidly, ready to grab Indrani’s ankles.

“I won’t. What are they doing?”

Rachel from HR peered off the side from a different vantage point on the left of the broken window. “They’re forming a human chain. Well, a zombie chain. One’s climbing on top of another and they’re holding onto each other.”

“That’s not good,” Pete said. “Alexey, you need help there?”

“No, stay covering the door to the roof.” It was chained and padlocked shut and the door was a metal security door, but who knew what would happen if enough zombies banged into it. Alexey took aim, and shot the bottom zombie of what was now a three-zombie human ladder, and all three fell. One managed to grab a ledge; the other two fell to the ground. One stopped moving; the other crawled feebly, her arms and legs obviously broken.

Tom looked up at the helicopter coming toward them. It had a rescue basket, large enough to fit all twelve of them. Twelve. The company had been thirty-three people this morning. He thought maybe one of the sales guys had been out in the field on a call, and the regular receptionist had been out sick, so… thirty-one people in the office had turned into twelve survivors. Plus some that had become zombies, like Bob.

A phone rang. Everyone looked at Donatella, the third of the refugees from HR. She was as underdressed as the rest of them, but she had a purse on her, made of a crunchy plasticky recycled material that no one had thought would hold up to the stress of being part of their escape ropes. The phone was ringing from inside it.

Donatella withdrew the phone, her hand shaking, and answered it. “Rose and Weldon Company, this is Donatella Antonucci, can I help you?” She listened for a moment. “Why don’t I put you on speaker?” And looked up at Tom. “It’s for you, do you want it on speaker?”

“Is it Bob?”

Donatella nodded. Tom rolled his eyes. “Fine. Put him on.”

“Hey there, Tommy boy! You there? It’s me, Bob, again.”

“Yes, Bob, I’m here,” Tom sighed. “No, we’re not going to let you in to eat our brains.”

“Yeah, I can see that you’re on the roof,” Bob said. “Who’s that with the gun? That Russian dude? Ilya or something?”

“His name’s Alexey, and yes.”

“He’s good,” Bob said approvingly. “But listen, Tom, it’s not too late to open up the door on the roof and let us in. We’re in the stairwell.”

“Then who’s trying to form human chains down there?”

“The correct word is ‘zombie,’ Tom, not ‘human’. Please don’t misattribute our species.”

“Okay, fine, who—”

“That’s Barry from Sales. You remember Barry, right? Always bragging about his workouts and his gym routines and the times on his runs? Well, turns out he wasn’t all hot air. I thought he got away from us – he sprinted off when we almost had him, and he was too fast for any of us to follow. But then an hour later he came back and joined us, because one of us had landed a bite and turned him. Isn’t that cool?”

“It’s really not as cool as—”

“I sure think it’s cool.”

“Bob, I’m a busy man, please get to the point.”

“Sure, Tom. I know your time is valuable, I don’t want to waste it. It’s just that you should know, Barry’s a talker, like me, so he has our colleagues doing the zombie ladder thing there, and I’ve taken us up to the roof, and I’m pretty sure we’re gonna manage to knock this door down sooner or later.” There was a “thump” from the chained, padlocked roof door. “So I’m just offering it up as an option here, you might want to consider just letting us come outside and eat your brains.”

The helicopter was getting larger, but the closer it got, it seemed the slower it was coming. “I imagine you could do that,” Tom said. “How many zombies you got in there?”

“Why do you wanna know?”

“No real reason,” Tom said. “Just, we’ve got a pretty defensible position here and a lot of ammo.”

“That’s good to hear. Makes it challenging. A good workout before dinner always makes the meal tastier, isn’t that what they say?”

“Actually they say you shouldn’t eat until half an hour after working out…”

“Pretty sure that’s a myth, Tom. But you could Google it on Donnie’s phone. I know you don’t have one of your own, I found it ringing in your office when I tried to call you.”

“So what’d you do, wardial numbers until you hit one that rang?”

“Pretty much, yeah. I probably should have thought of one of the HR ladies first, since I know they got over to your side before you closed the doors. By the way, Bart? In sales? You know, the guy who didn’t make it to the door before you shut and locked it? Dee-lish. Appreciate you leaving him for us.”

“Bob, have I ever told you what an asshole you are?”

“That’s really not professional language, Tom.”

“I know, but I’m standing here in my underpants and you want to eat my brains, so I’m not feeling very professional. I have a counter-proposal for you, though.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, I think you guys should strongly consider the merits of eating shit and then dying. Especially you. After fucking off so long and so far there’s no longer any off to fuck. And also going to hell, straight to hell, without passing Go or collecting 200 dollars.”

Bob laughed. “Man, you’re funny, Tom! I’m gonna miss these little chats after I crack that skull of yours like a steamed mussel shell and scoop out the brainy goodness inside.”

Another “thump” from the stairwell. Alexey shot another zombie chain, sending three more of them falling. “This is fun,” Alexey said. “Tell Bob I’m looking forward to blowing his head off. I want to see if he still has red blood or if it’s turned green like some of these guys.”

“I heard that fine,” Bob said. “Is that Alexey? I’ve always liked Russian food.”

“Were you this big of a clueless narcissist when you were alive, or is this just a zombie thing?” Tom asked.

“Oh, come on, Tom, I thought we had a rapport. I thought we were making some progress, working on this thing together.”

“Bob, when you and I worked together on identifying cities whose legislature might be open to letting us build a new Towne Centre shopping mall in their town, we had a rapport and we made progress. You really wanting to eat our brains is just not our problem and I don’t feel obligated to help you with that.”

“Yeah, what do you guys even do for the company?” Bob snarked. “We’re not an IT company, we don’t write programs. We develop and sell commercial real estate. All we ever needed was one dude to hook up our PCs to the Internet. We didn’t even need servers, we could have kept it all in the cloud.”

“We did keep it all in the cloud, Bob. We haven’t had servers in about five years.”

“So what did your department even do? How did you justify your salaries?”

“Among other things, your database marketing plans wouldn’t have gone very far if we hadn’t been maintaining the database… but that isn’t even the point.” The thumps and the sounds of the shots had grown more frequent, and the chain, somewhat rusty, was actually rattling hard. It was entirely possible that if Bob and his zombies just kept throwing themselves at the door, it would break open.

Again, not the engineers’ solution. But Bob, and Barry for that matter, seemed to have retained their normal human intelligence… not gained any intelligence. Bob hadn’t thought of makeshift explosives yet. Or shoving a long heavy-duty file into the crack and filing away at the chain. Or anything else that might work.

“I can’t hear you very well, Tom, what’s going on out there? Sounds like you’re standing right next to the air conditioner, or a generator?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Bob, maybe it’s the line on your end,” Tom lied as the helicopter, finally above them, lowered its rescue basket. It was hard to hear Bob through the “whup-whup-whup” of the helicopter blades, but Tom made the effort to talk normally, rather than shout into the phone as instinct told him to do.

“What?”

“I said maybe it’s the line on your end,” Tom said, as rescuers directed Jason to sit in the exact center of the basket, and then had the rest of them spread out by estimated weight, to balance the load.

“What? I can’t hear you at all, Tom, what’s going on?”

Very loudly, because now he was in the basket and standing right under the helicopter and its whups, Tom yelled, “What’s going on, Bob, is fuck you!”

He hung up on the zombie and handed Donatella back her phone as the helicopter climbed, pulling the rescue basket into the air. “Block him.”

There was another human chain of zombies forming, now that Alexey was no longer in a good position to shoot them down. Tom, on the edge of the basket facing the building, stuck his middle finger up and leaned out as far over the edge of the basket as he dared, making the gesture at Barry and his zombie ladder as broadly and visibly as he could.

[duker42]

Could I get a request where the boys were playing jokes on each other by dropping Viagra into each other drinks, but the reader accidentally drank it. It made her felt werid and they ended up confessing. Jean was designated to help her get off, but his 4" couldn't do the trick. Levi walks in hearing the commotion, knowing that they all should be in bed. He see the reader literally shaken in tears from desperation. Her face flushed with neediness. He fucks her and taught the boys some tricks.

So this is naturally crack of the highest caliber 😂😂😂😂

*****WARNING*****NSFW

💜Teaching💜

“Hahahaha I can’t believe you drank that!” Connie laughed as Y/N wondered why Jean and Eren were looking a bit concerned as she finished her glass of water.

“What? It was my drink.” Y/N hadn’t tasted anything funny, so she obviously missing something.

“Shit! Connie, why didn’t you stop her? It was supposed to be Eren’s drink!” Jean growled.

“Nothing’s going to happen, don’t worry!” Connie said, causing Y/N to panic slightly.

Everything was fine except for the creepy ass stares from Jean and Eren as they continued playing cards. Something had obviously happened when she went to go to the bathroom, but she didn’t know what.

It made her wish that one of the girls had decided to come with her to the boy’s dorm for poker. But everyone else claimed they were too tired and Y/N had come over on her own to win all their money.

Ten minutes later, her body felt like it was on fire, she was flushed and the juncture between her thighs was throbbing uncontrollably.

“What did you guys do!” She cried. She needed something, and she needed it now.

“Oh shit!” Eren said. Jean and Connie started looking scared.

“Guuuuuyssss!” She wailed. Her body was starting to shake, the intense pressure in her pussy beginning to hurt.

“We....uhhhh. We were putting Viagra in each other’s drinks. And you drank the one meant for Eren.” Connie said, now looking worried as he took a close look at her.

“What does it do???” Y/N asked, her voice shaky.

“It....it’s to give a guy a boner that lasts awhile.” Jean explains, turning red as he looked down at his tented crotch.

“So what the fuck do I do?” She demanded. She was close to tears. The intensity growing and it felt like she needed to scream.

“Jean. You should take care of her. You were the one that started this shit.” Eren said, looking at Y/N before glaring at Jean.

“How?” Y/N asked.

“You need to be fucked apparently.” Jean mumbled.

Y/N quickly agreed. Anything to get rid of this feeling. She wanted to claw her own skin off it was so hot, so needy.

They stripped down and she saw that Jean wasn’t packing much in the size department, but she didn’t care. As long as she was fucked until this went away she didn’t mind it.

Except for the fact that she barely felt anything. He was coming up too shallow to make relieve any pressure and no amount of movement was making her feel better.

“What the fuck is going on here?!?!?!?” The stern voice of Captain Levi thundered from behind them.

Jean quickly got off of Y/N and turned to the Captain and all three boys started tripping over themselves to explain. Three voices, talking at once, raising to be heard over one another until finally Levi raised a hand to silence them.

He had heard them from across the castle. Brats were supposed to be in bed. And when he comes to tell them to hit the rack, he finds Jean trying to fuck Y/N with Eren and Connie giving him advice? What in the absolute fuck?

When they started shouting at him, he managed to piece together the situation. Fucking around, they had managed to slip up and Y/N had drank the damn Viagra laced water and now needed to be fucked because of her reaction.

He sighed. Goddamn brats. It was a good fucking thing that he found Y/N attractive. She was a pretty mess right now, her body flush and trembling, aching to cum. Her eyes filled with tears from desperation.

Her body was still spread wide, giving him a first class view of her engorged clit and her perky tits with budded nipples. He had thought about her plenty while jerking off in the shower and now she needed someone to take care of her sexually.

He glanced over and saw why she wasn’t being pleased by the taller brat. His cock was only 4” and it was obvious from the way he had her positioned, he had no fucking clue how to make his short size count.

While Levi had no problem in the length department, he knew exactly how to make sure she came on his cock. Just the idea of it was making him hard.

“Eren. Lock the door. It’s time I teach you brats a few things.” He looked at Y/N. “Let me take care of you.”

When she nodded so hard he thought he heard her teeth rattle, he started to get undressed. The boys whistled when he took off his pants and revealed where the rest of his height went. He was long, 8.5 solid inches of thick cock that was curved slight, for her pleasure of course.

“Brat, you could have satisfied her, but you didn’t have her legs positioned right. With that thing, you need to fuck her with her legs up on your shoulders for maximum penetration.” Levi said as laid down beside her on the bed.

He hooked a leg over hers and spread them wider, giving her a kiss as he moved his hand down to her clit. “This is where most women have their best orgasms. You could have gotten her off with your fingers.”

She moaned as his slender finger rubbed around the bundle of nerves, he ran them up and down the slick lips of her pussy and moved back to flick the nub of flesh. She shuddered and Levi looked at her nipple.

“If you suck on her breasts, it helps. Most women love their tits sucked while you fuck them.” He drew a distended peak in his mouth and her hands shot into his hair with a moan that filled the room.

The boys watched as their Captain played with Y/N’s pussy. Her body jerking and shivering with every press of his fingers or rub on her clit. He slid the flesh between his ring and middle finger and toyed with it with his index finger until she came, shouting out in relief as her first orgasm rocked her body.

He knew that she needed more, though. He released her breast and moved his fingers down to her dripping core. “You can also finger fuck them. They love when you curl your fingers up inside them, and pump them in and out. But clip your nails, brats.”

He curled two fingers into her tight pussy, her walls clenching around him. Shit. If she’s that tight around his fingers, he couldn’t wait to drive his cock into her body and let those walls pulse around him.

She reacted to his touch so well. Her back arched up as he started pumping his fingers into her, pushing hard with every flick of his wrist.

He had forgotten about the three boys watching as she came again. Her throaty cry and the way her eyes widened was amazing to experience. Her juices coated his fingers as they poured into his hand.

He moved that hand over over his cock, running her wetness over him as he moved to kneel between her spread thighs.

Y/N’s face was flushed and her pupils were blown with lust as he stroked himself with her watching. He looked over at the boys and offered, “Just watch because I’m not talking to you while I’m fucking her.”

He turned back and leaned down to give her another kiss. He moved her legs up to prop on his waist as slid smoothly into her core with a firm push of his hips.

He grunted in pleasure as he sank into her, the sound covered up by her gasp. He bottomed out and immediately pulled back to pushed into her again, harder.

His moved swiftly, every thrust of his hips making her moan or shudder in pleasure. His name rolled over her lips continuously, but his cock twitched when she called him Captain as she cried out in bliss.

He felt her walls tighten around him, making him grit his teeth as his eyes rolled back. Fuck, she was squeezing him so tight. He snapped his hips against her faster, driving himself into her harder.

Her legs tightened around his waist, her hips rising to meet his. He brought himself up to his knees and gripped her hips hard, using his arms to pull her to him faster. Her voice cracked and caught with each thrust.

When she finally came, she screamed his name, her juices squirting out to to splash up his stomach. He shuddered at the feeling of her vice-like grip around him.

His own orgasm washed over him right after. He pumped her through her orgasm as his cock pulsed, filling her with his cum as he growled his pleasure into the air.

When they came back to themselves, Levi pushed up and gently pulled out of her. He turned to the boys and scowled. “You three shitheads are cleaning the stables for the next three months. And hand over all that shit. It’s not a toy to joke around with.”

The boys hung their heads as Levi and Y/N dressed. Connie handed over the bottle and Levi ordered them to get to bed. He pulled Y/N into the hallway and started off towards the other wing of the castle.

“Sir? My room is back there.” Y/N said as she was pulled along.

He didn’t look back or release her wrist as he answered her. “I’m not done teaching you about pleasure, Y/N.”

Mobile MasterList

[extreme-technicality]

does talking to an anon help about ninjago help? cuz I'm down

DHDKCKGSC YES IT DOES THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OFFERING YOUR SERVICES

Okay now that I know I won’t be clogging people’s dashes buckle the fuck in my dude and I should stress that I literally would not be talking about this as much as I will be if I didn’t genuinely enjoy the show. I’m gonna go season by season and just Rant

S1 has the serpentine as the bbeg and like, as far as villains go they’re p lit. They’re early enough that they haven’t been done to hell, things are fresh, the characters and dynamics are being fleshed out, and all in all s1 is a pretty solid season. There’s some fuckery that gets brought up re: how the FUCK aging works and what the actual timeline of Ninjago is and how Wu and Garmadon fit into that timeline, fuckery that LITERALLY NEVER GETS RESOLVED IN A SATISFYING WAY BC ITS REVEALED IN A LATER SEASON (s8, dw we’ll get there lmao) THAT THE ONLY REASON THE FIRST SPINJITSU MASTER, WU, AND GARMADON LIVED AS LONG AS THEY DID IS CUZ THEYRE BASICALLY DEMIGODS AND ITS IMPLIED THAT LLOYD WILL ALSO LIVE FOR A LONG ASS TIME WHICH MEANS ONE DAY HES GONNA OUTLIVE ALL HIS FRIENDS AND EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED WHICH IS A FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT AT NIGHT But anyway I digress, s1 also coincidentally introduces Lloyd (he wasn’t in the pilot episodes that set up the rest of the series) and the existence of Evil Dad Garmadon.

S2 is where Garmadon starts acting a lot more Evil and a lot less Dad. He’s the main antagonist for that season, and I actually read somewhere that the show was originally slated to end after s2 which high key explains the fuckery of literally every single season after this lmaooooo. Much like s1, I really can’t find much to complain about, the first two seasons are pretty decent as far as I can remember

Season. Fucking. Three. Where the fuck do I start??? I hate season three for entirely personal reasons revolving around the STUPID GODDAMN ROMANCE WRITING. okay lemme back up and explain a thing first so, Jay is dating Nya and they’re fine, they’re going steady, aND THEN????? THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON INTRODUCES BULLSHIT LOVE TRIANGLE FUCKERY FOR ZERO GODDAMN REASON, BITCH I HATE LOVE TRIANGLES AND I HATE THEM EVEN MORE WHEN THEYRE DONE FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!!! AND THEN. AS IF THAT WERENT ENOUGH. THEY SHOEHORNED A ROBOT ROMANCE BETWEEN ZANE AND PIXAL AND I KNOW I RANTED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING BUT I DIDNT GO INTO ENOUGH DETAIL!!!! THEY MADE THE OTHER NINJA OOC IN ORDER TO PROP UP THEIR SHIP!!!!!! AND AT ONE POINT ZANE GOES “its like we were…made for each other” AND I HAD TO FUCUCJDHVE I HAD TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW BRO, IM SO TIRED!!!! NO THE FUCK YOU WERENT!!!!!! YOU WERE MADE FOR YOU AND PIXAL WAS MADE FOR PIXAL AND IF YALLS WANNA BANG BOLTS THATS FINE BUT DONT IMPLY THAT EITHER OF YOU WERE MADE INCOMPLETE!!!! THATS AN INSULT TO YOUR MAKERS AND YOURSELVES, MOVE ON, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. anyway that season also killed Zane (for the first time, but not the last) (spoiler alert lmao) and like, not to be an emotional little shit but I did cry a bit at his funeral.

S4 is honestly one of my favorites, even though the romance crimes continue (the love triangle bullshit is continuing and honestly I maintain that Cole, Nya, and Jay should all have gotten together and in my personal canon they DID, and also Kai has a forced romance) the VILLAIN makes up for it imo. He’s campy!! He’s funny!! He’s a clown!! He’s serious enough that if he says “I’m gonna kill you” HE MEANS IT and that’s so fucking refreshing!!!! S4 is honestly 8/10 just for the villain alone, don’t like that it retconned the SHIT out of the elemental masters and how many different elements there are TO master but eh, it’s ninjago, shit is stupid.

S5 was…interesting? OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT S3 INTRODUCED A GARMADON WHO WAS A LOT LESS EVIL AND A LOT MORE DAD, HONESTLY I THOUGHT IT TOOK A LOT OF THE FLAVOR OUT BUT THATS JUST ME LMAOOO. anyway s5 killed Garmadon, and I was a little sad cuz I like him okay??? I just think he’s NEAT, he’s got big dad energy, he was teaching Lloyd some shit that just got DROPPED and literally was never brought up again which is honestly a theme in Ninjago. Ninjago drinking game: take a shot every time they introduce a plot point or ability and drop it at or before the end of the season. WHICH THEY ALSO DID IN S5 WITH A DIFFERENT POWER ACTUALLY, so all the ninja are masters of Spinjitsu right, well s5 introduced the concept of Airjitsu which only Spinjitsu masters can learn and it lets them FLY and they used that for seasons 5 and 6 and then they nEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN EVEN THOUGH IT WOULDVE COME IN HANDY FOR S E V E R A L DIFFERENT SITUATIONS ACROSS THE SEASONS, ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FALLING TO THEIR DOOM AND MY ASS WOULD BE YELLING “YOU CAN FLY, DUMBASS” - anyway, they do that again later lmao it’s fine. But what’s low key NOT fine is they made Nya the WATER NINJA!!! Like I’m not mad she has powers, except I kinda am, she was doing just fine as Samurai X and honestly the only reason she has super special ninja powers is for plot reasons. Also Cole got turned into a ghost, but by s7 he’s????? No longer a ghost????????? And that’s NEVER addressed or reasoned away, so like. Cool lmao

S6 didn’t happen. Like, canonically, s6 ends with wish fuckery that undoes the entire season and none of the characters remember anything that happened except Jay and Nya because S6 is the season where they get back together so they remember all those events for???? Feelings reasons?????? Unclear, moving on. The actual bbeg for S6 was a djinn with a vaguely Spanish accent, and to this DAY I don’t know why they made him have a SPANISH accent. Djinn are Arabic, not Spanish!! They’re not central or South American, either!!!! Your villain design makes no sense, do better

S7 had MORE time fuckery, and retconned what happened to Kai and Nya’s parents and hmmmhmhmhmhmhm that makes me Upsetti Spaghetti :3 not just the retconning, but the fact that they LITERALLY brought them back oNLY TO NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN!!!!!! LITERALLY!!!!!!!! Okay so at the VERY very beginning, like pilot episodes beginning, Kai talks about their dad like he died/left fairly recently, BUT s7 contradicts that and claims that both of their parents were essentially abducted when Kai and Nya were little kids, which makes me question what in the fresh fuck two little kids were doing for all those years alone. SETTING THAT ASIDE FOR A HOT SECOND, their parents were also apparently good friends of Wu’s and old war buddies (from the Serpentine wars, which is YET ANOTHER bit of the timeline that doesn’t quite add up but honestly I could make a whole other post about that shit). But if they were such good fucking friends, why didn’t Wu check in every now and again??? What the fuck was Wu doing that was so fucking important that he couldn’t have been assed to visit his friends ONCE in like TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS and realize “oh shit, they’re not here and there are two tiny children running around unsupervised…My Kids Now : )” LIKE????? WU YOU LOW KEY SHOULDA LOOKED OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS’ KIDS BETTER, THEY COULDA DIED BRO!!! Uhhhh the time fuckery also results in Wu getting yeeted ahead in time a bit and the ninja gotta find him

Season. Eight. I have…mixed feelings about this one. The beginning absolutely SLAUGHTERED me, and not in a “this is so fucking funny” way. No, the beginning made me feel like I was being flayed alive with just about every episode because Ninjago was back on its forced romance bullshit and this time it was Lloyd’s turn on the chopping block. That hurt my soul cuz like, look at that mans color scheme, he’s CLEARLY alloaro, why are you forcing romance on my aro man, why would you hurt me like that, BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE AND THE GIRL HE WAS BEING SET UP WITH HAD A LITTLE HEART TO HEART REALLY EARLY ON AND IT WAS THE MOST QUEER CODED SHIT!!!! IT DEADASS READ AS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN AN OUT AND PROUD QUEER AND A CLOSETED QUEER AND THEY MADE!!! IT!!!!! STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing that kept me watching at first was wanting to find Wu, and then I started enjoying myself once Cole found a plot-relevant baby and had fatherhood thrust upon him. Everything went from “ehhhhh” to “holy shit this FUCKS” once it was revealed that Rumi (Lloyd’s love interest) wAS PLAYING HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND WAS EVIL AND HAD AN EVIL GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! LITERALLY IMPROVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SEASON FOR ME, I COULD EVEN FORGIVE THE WHOLE “let’s resurrect Garmadon, but as evil as possible” BULLSHIT!!!!!!

S9 is a continuation of s8, Garmadon is back and 1000% Evil, 10% Dad, but none of the Dad energies is directed at Lloyd - it’s all directed at Rumi, and honestly I could write a whole ass post on just RUMI cuz that’s honestly my DAUGHTER and I LOVE HER and I’m MAD SHE DIES AT THE END OF THIS SEASON!!!! SHE DESERVED THERAPY AND TO LIVE WITH HER GF AND MAYBE SOME CRIME. AS A TREAT. RUMI DESERVED BETTER AND LOW KEY IM GONNA WRITE A FIC ABOUT IT, BUT ANYWAY WHERE WAS I

Ah right, so s9 has the four major Ninja stuck in the original dimension with no way home, while Lloyd has no powers (cuz he almost died last season) and has to somehow lead a resistance against Garmadon (who has taken control of Ninjago City and is working on the rest of Ninjago). Actually, s9 is pretty cool. Like, the end of s8 and into s9 are low key my favorite episodes, and I kinda wanna rewatch them now -

S10 is a FUN one. Garmadon got got last season, but he didn’t DIE, so he’s in cold storage and now there’s Another Threat and he’s the only one who knows wtf they’re up against so they let him out and he works with them. The funny part is, he is still Very Much Evil and doesn’t quite Get emotions like he did when he was, uh, human lmao, sO HE WOKE UP EVERY DAY DURING THAT SEASON AND DECIDED TO CAUSE PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING SHIT. 1000000/10 MY FAVORITE GARMADON, he ended that season by literally fucking off into Ninjago and they never decided to track him down 😭😭😭😭😭and I’m so SAD about it dude

S11 has another Serpentine as the bbeg, though in the setup to that they retconned how the fucking Serpentine tribes and history work??? I think???? Also Wu was a good 150% angrier and generally Done with the ninja’s shit, which was honestly refreshing tho I’m not quite sure I liked what the refreshed view was, but whatever lmao. S11 also had the ninja get yeeted to the dimension farthest from Ninjago, and honestly - okay, so they didn’t all go at the same TIME, Zane left about a week or two before the others did but there was time dilation fuckery afoot which I’m not too mad about cuz low key it makes sense. What I AM mad about is that they didn’t play the angst up to its full POTENTIAL!!!!!! Zane was EVIL in the other dimension!!!! Okay so I’m Ninjago he was only gone for maybe a week or two, but DECADES had passed in the other one, and all that time Zane was alone and disconnected from everyone he knew and loved, with a staff that boosted his power while slowly corrupting him and Turning Him Evil to help him, and like???? The thought of Zane trying to find a way home, trying to get SOME sort of message back, while he has to use the staff more and more to help him survive the long, lonely decades, so that by the time his family DOES show up its too late??? BRO. B R O. THAT JUST HITS DIFFERENT, BUT NINJAGO DIDNT DO THAT!!! THEY MADE HIM EVIL DUE TO MEMORY WIPE!!!!!! MEMORY WIPE IS BABY SHIT COMPARED TO A LONG, SLOW CORRUPTION!!!!!!

S12 was alright. It went into Cole’s mom, touched on some of the adventures she had had, threatened another forced romance (this time on poor Cole, just leave my mans ALONE) but thankfully didn’t follow through this time, introduced cool new powers that honestly hasn’t been elaborated on since that’s the most recent season I think lmao

Anyway thanks for reading and letting me rant!!!! I have,,So Much More I could talk about, PLEASE ask me about Rumi, some of my headcanons re: Garmadon and Wu’s dynamic, the Serpentine, my top five times they butchered Kai’s character for Plot Reasons, or anything else I brought up here that you want me to elaborate on!!!

[welllpthisishappening]

Carol of the [Wedding] Bells

It all happens fairly quickly and he doesn’t remember much of it, which, really, seems fairly unfair from where Killian is sitting. Or, laying. Technically. He’s still laying in bed. With Emma next to him. And matching rings on either one of their fingers. On Christmas Eve. In Vegas.

Rating: Like a pretty solid T Word Count: Just under 8K. The prompts, they’re getting longer. Let’s all act super surprised. AN: So, in an effort to make things look a bit nicer, I’m going to post the Festive Fic Prompt a Thon stories on their own, outside of the asks. Today’s prompt from a lovely anon is: "we accidentally got married in vegas oops.” We’ve got pining, we’ve got friends to lovers, we’ve got opinionated Ariel, we’ve got thoughts on the Rat King in the Nutcracker.

|| Also on Ao3 if that’s how you roll ||

-------

His head is going to snap in half.

He kind of hopes it does. It will presumably be more comfortable than whatever is happening behind his right eye, a dull throb and pounding that times up far too closely with his pulse, making Killian’s stomach heave and his mouth is very dry.

He’s not entirely sure where he is.

It’s not very warm.

That is...surprising.

The whole schtick of this place is its warmth. A dry heat and whatnot. He swallows, feeling like his mouth is full of cotton balls with a tongue that is questionably large, blinking against the light streaming in through unfamiliar curtains and—

Bouncing off the band of metal sitting on his finger.

Maybe his head has already cracked. Maybe he’s cracked.

In a psychological sense.

Killian blinks. Once, twice, three times, but the metal doesn’t move and the pain behind his eye appears to be drifting down his spine and he’s so goddamn cold because the other person draped across the majority of the bed has stolen nearly all the blankets.

There’s a bit of fabric clinging to his left heel.

“Holy fu—” he breathes, the rest of the word getting caught in a throat that suddenly feels as if it’s collapsing in on himself.

He can hear his heart pounding against his rib cage, another noise his head does not appreciate and his eyes are starting to water.

He’d blinked enough already. He assumes he’s physically incapable now.

Because now things are starting to piece together, even through the fog and the metaphorical cotton balls, smiles and laughter and far too much alcohol, missed flights and East coast snowstorms, changed plans and new plans and—

Emma mumbles something in her sleep.

So, maybe he’ll just die here.

That would probably be easier to deal with.

“Swan,” Killian says, but his voice doesn’t even sound like him. It scratches its way out of his throat, rough and maybe still a little drunk and...married.

To Emma Swan. Presumably.

God, he really can’t remember.

That is...disappointing.

“Swan,” he repeats, and it takes more than a moment to flip over, another twist of his stomach and clench of his jaw, and Emma makes more noise. Less disappointing. Endearing, even. This is a problem. A bad problem. The worst problem. “Swan, c’mon, love—”

Killian reaches his hand out, lets the pads of his fingers drift over the curve of her elbow, even when it’s still covered by blankets with an astoundingly high thread count. He’s going to choke on his tongue.

It’s growing.

He’s positive.

Taking up far too much real estate in his mouth, a biological defense mechanism because love has always seemed to roll right off that same tongue when Emma Swan is involved, but now it sounds far too big and much too heavy, and Killian cannot think about both his tongue and Emma Swan in the same sentence.

Not when he’s— “Why are you talking to me?” Emma grumbles. He laughs. He doesn’t mean to, but that’s apparently par for the course of the last twelve hours and at some point he’s going to promise that this is all Will’s fault.

And global warming.

If it hadn’t been snowing in New York and Boston, then everyone else would have been able to get to Las Vegas. For Christmas. As planned.

Mary Margaret’s plan, really. There was a schedule and we’ve never done this before and that had been reason enough for everyone to buy plane tickets and book hotels and Emma had called Killian almost immediately to ask do you think we can bribe a hotel clerk to put us in rooms next to each other. Which had almost led to his heart bruising his ribs.

What with all the faster-than-normal beating and being in love with Emma Swan and whatever.

Whatever.

Emma Swan. His wife.

Holy fuck.

“Seriously your voice is so loud,” Emma continues. “Are they doing construction outside or something? It’s too early for that.” “I have no idea what time it is, actually.”

“It’s probably not construction, is it?” “No, I don’t think so.”

“But...you’re here. Yeah?” Killian hums, pointedly ignoring the flicker of hope that appears in the back of his brain at those particular words in that particular order. As if she’d want that.

As if she’d want— They’re friends.

They’re...best friends. He knows things about her. She knows things about him. Good things, not so good things, things they’ve shared together, quiet moments and easy smiles, the growing sense that it’s just a bit easier to breathe around Emma Swan than any other human being on the planet.

They text. They FaceTime. On a schedule. One that Killian would argue is far better than Mary Margaret’s Christmas in Vegas extravaganza. He and Emma have known each other forever, have settled into their roles in the friendship group; the tag-alongs. The extra pairs, third wheels and sad ones with no designated other and this is really Will’s fault. He was supposed to get to Vegas before Mary Margaret and David.

“Here, Swan,” Killian whispers when he realizes Emma is still waiting on an answer.

He needs to find his phone.

He needs to Google things.

“Ok, good. That’s good, just—go back to sleep, ok?”

Her lips barely move when she speaks, burrowing further into the cocoon of blankets she’s created for herself, hair a riotous mess on multiple pillows and the smudges of black in the corners of her eyes make it obvious that neither one of them did much more than collapse into bed the night before.

They’re still wearing clothes.

So, that’s something.

Killian licks his lips. He’s not sure when he started breathing out of his mouth, but he’s suddenly all too aware of it, like every inhale is a particular challenge and he briefly wonders if she can feel whatever it is he’s feeling because the pinch that appears between her brows is rather sudden.

“Swan, Emma, it’s a—” Her eyes fly open, a blazing gaze that Killian swears cuts him right down the middle and stitches him back together. All at the same time.

“Wait,” she snaps. “You’re here.” “Yuh huh.” “In my room. This hotel room.” “Yup.” “And a bed.” “Also true.” “What are you—” “—I, uh,” Killian cuts in, and that’s probably not the best course of action. He bites back the urge to make another golf-related pun. To himself. Emma hasn’t blinked yet. “What do you remember about last night?” She shrugs, lower lip jutted out slightly. He’s got to stop staring at her lips. “I don’t—we were...did we come up with a song to go with the slot machine?” “Yuh huh.”

“Seriously, what is your deal right now? That’s—I mean, we were drunk, but—” Emma stops so abruptly Killian is fairly certain the world has also stopped spinning for a second. Until her hand jerks forward, as if she’s going to swat at his shoulder like it’s any other morning and any other day and he bites down on the side of his tongue. It’s bleeding.

The whole thing is oddly poetic in an entirely depressing sort of way.

Because Emma’s eyes bugs. Her jaw drops. Her exhale is impossibly loud.

“What is that?” Emma exclaims, jumping up and taking the blankets with her. She sways when she gets to her feet, gritting her teeth, and Killian reaches out on something like instinct.

She hisses.

The light glints off his ring again, casting weird shadows across Emma’s face and the dress she’s wearing and she’s still wearing a dress. It’s not white. It’s red and good and great and Killian feels some of the tension that had lingered between his shoulders dissipate as soon as his eyes sweep across her.

This is bad.

And not—

No, bad. Horrible, terrible, an absolute mistake.

Emma runs a hand over her face, fingers moving to pinch the bridge of her nose as she tries to catch her breath. Killian can still taste blood in his mouth. “Ok,” she says, all forced calm, “so, uh—we made up the jingle, song thing and then—” “—Jingle implies that it was an advertisement for the slot machines, doesn’t it?” “Oh my God, you’re making jokes.” Killian nods. “Yeah, a few.” “They’re not funny.” “Has that ever been the case, though?” One side of her mouth tilts up. “I hate you.” “That seems reasonable, all things considered.”

Emma huffs, tugging on the end of her hair like she does when she’s nervous and Killian doesn’t want her to be nervous around him, but he also didn’t expect to wake up married to the best friend he’s spent years pining for, so. Maybe nothing makes sense anymore.

“This is real?” Of all the questions Emma could have asked, standing barefoot in her own hotel room, with, Killian assumes, her own fairly awful hangover, that is not the one he expected to hear.

He expected more shouting.

If he’s being honest.

He nods again, slower that time. “Yeah, I think so.” “Ok, so, uh—” She clicks her teeth, more than once, as if she’s trying to work out some sort of residual energy and that dress is incredibly distracting. Being in love with her is incredibly distracting. “Did we win money last night?” “Quite a bit, if memory serves.” “And does it? Serve?” “Comes and goes in waves,” Killian admits, propping himself up on his elbows. Emma’s mouth does something else. “Scarlet called, do you remember that part?” “To tell us that he was stuck at JFK with Ruby and Belle?” “Yeah. And David and Mary Margaret couldn’t get out of Storybrooke—” “—Well, that’s because the entire town probably has like two pounds of road salt available, so—” “—Four pounds, maybe.” “The jokes,” Emma groans, but there’s not really any frustration to the words and that’s always been the case. The problem, maybe. It’s all too easy.

With her.

And them.

As a unit.

Killian’s eyes flicker to his ring. “Anyway. Scarlett called, gave a progress report on the great Nor’easter of 2019, Mary Margaret might have shed a few tears over her schedule and—” “—Wait until she finds out what we did,” Emma mutters.

The tension returns. Tenfold. It sinks under Killian’s skin and wraps around every one of his bones, slinks through his veins and settles between muscle fibers, threatening to push him into the mattress.

A muscle in Emma’s jaw jumps. ‘I just—” she starts, both hands waving in front of her. “Well, it’s not exactly like getting—”

That muscle is going to fly out of her face. That wasn’t on Mary Margaret’s schedule either. Emma flushes when she can’t finish the sentence, tugging both of her lips behind her teeth. Killian tries not to lift his eyebrows.

It doesn’t work.

He knows as soon as Emma sighs.

“So,” she continues pointedly, “we got the phone call, decided to—” “—Take in the sights of the strip. That’s a verbatim quote by you.” “God, did we start drinking here?” Killian points a finger towards the mini-bar, door still half-open and most of the shelves empty. “Context clues.” “And that led to the casino and the slots and then we won, so…” “I believe the term celebration was used several times.” Emma hums noncommittally, color still dotting her cheeks even when she does her best to bore her eyes into the tiny bit of carpet between her feet. And Killian holds his breath.

He counts to ten. Twenty. Forty-seven.

Backwards, too.

Because the memories keep settling into place, quick flashes of moments and earnest conversation, roaming hands and smiles that would put even the most rhinestone-covered outfit to shame.

Her hand had been very warm in his all night.

And there’d been—

He wishes he didn’t know how soft Emma’s lips were when he kissed her.

At least not like that.

“Right, right,” Emma mumbles. “And, uh—Chapel of the Bells?” “There was a Christmas joke involved there.” “Oh my God, by you or me?” “I honestly can’t remember.” Emma makes a noise previously never heard by human ears. It leaves her whole body bent in half and Killian’s heart shattering in his chest, far too much emotion for a drunken-fueled elopement, but he’s still having a very hard time coming to terms with the dress and the way she keeps twisting strands of hair around her finger and—

He’s already spent too much time thinking about this.

It seems exceptionally unfair that it ended up like this.

“How did we get a license? Don’t you have to have a license in Vegas or is that just for responsible cities with real rules?” “It’s a pretty scathing review of Las Vegas,” Killian says with half a grin. “We looked up that place, didn’t we? The Bell place.” “Oh call it the Bell place from now on, please.” She glares. “The jokes have got to stop. This is—ok, so the Bell place had packages. That’s...I remember that. We went in and we signed things and I had flowers. Like...roses, did you pick those out?” He’s the one blushing now, a heat in his cheeks and lingering at the base of his spine. Whatever inhale Killian takes does not do much to assuage the tightening in his lungs. “Yeah,” he mutters. “I wanted you to have something nice.”

It’s not an admission, per se.

It’s a fact, really.

But Emma’s eyes flicker up and he would swear in front of a variety of judges that there’s a hint of emotion on the edge, her own brand of want that he’s coveted for far longer than he’s willing to admit.

“And now we’re….” “Yuh huh,” Killian repeats, not able to say the actual word. So, he’s really a giant coward is what he is.

“How do we not be that?” It’s for the best that his heart has already cracked because the rest of him feels like it’s falling off in rather large hunks and that’s a disgusting thought, but Killian can still taste blood in his mouth and Emma won’t meet his gaze anymore and—

HIs phone is ringing somewhere.

“Do you need to get that?” Emma asks, soft enough that he can barely hear her. Killian blinks. Multiple times. Again.

“No, that’s—” “—You should probably get your phone, Killian. It’s, um...I mean we need to figure this out, right?” He makes a noise, is only aware that he nods when the muscles in his neck ache with the movement. Emma squeezes her eyes closed. “Because,” she continues, “it’s just a drunken thing. Yeah? That’s—I bet it happens to people all the time. This is like Vegas’ slogan.” “Drunk things brought about by delayed flights and the Christmas spirit?”

Emma’s lips twitch. “That’s verbatim too, huh?” “Something like that.” HIs phone stops ringing. And immediately starts again.

“Get that,” Emma repeats. “I’m, uh—why did we come back here, though?” “You were very certain you had the best sheets in the entire hotel.” “They’re stupid soft, aren’t they?” “I wouldn’t know, you stole all of them in the middle of the night.”

“I’m sorry.” And he can hear the apology for what it is, far more than bedding or questionably cold internal body temperature. For everything.

A mistake neither one of them wanted to make for entirely different reasons.

Killian stands up slowly, careful when he steps into Emma’s space and he’s at least eighty-two percent positive the sun is doing this reflecting thing on purpose. He ignores it, lets his head drop half an inch until his forehead is nearly resting on hers and his heart has made a miraculous recovery, hammering away in his chest like it’s trying to prove a point and—

She turns her head when his fingers graze her cheek, eyes fluttering shut.

“We’ll fix it, Swan,” Killian promises, the words like acid on his tongue. He’s really being the most dramatic groom.

She hums, a quick nod and hint of a smile. “Sounds like a plan.”

And, really, it’s stupid.

It’s idiotic and dumb and wrong, on some sort of fundamental level, but Killian’s moving before he’s even processed any of those words and Emma doesn’t do anything more than exhale softly as son as his lips brush over the crown of her head.

So, points.

Or whatever.

His phone vibrates off the table a few feet away.

By the time Killian reaches his phone Ariel has called fourteen times, which seems a little— “Excessive,” he says, but that only gets him a screech-like sound and he’s not sure how much more of this his body can take.

As a whole.

“Are you kidding me?” “Say words.” “These are words,” Ariel sneers. She’s pacing. He can hear the floor creaking in what he can only imagine is her living room or bedroom and the specifics don’t really matter because she’s far too preoccupied with yelling at him to be concerned with the structural integrity of her house. “These are very—”

“—Opinionated words?” Killian suggests.

“You told me.” “Wait, what?” “Oh not so high and mighty now, are we?” “Ariel, I really do not have time for this. I’ve got to look shit up and—” “—You know it’s Christmas Eve, right? You probably won’t be able to talk to a lawyer today. Or tomorrow for that matter.”

His legs lock, glancing down to make sure his stomach has not actually fallen on the floor. No such luck. That would have been a good excuse for getting off the phone.

“Got you there, don’t I?” “Are you playing games, right now?” “No,” Ariel says, but the way her laugh clings to her voice makes Killian wonder all sorts of things he shouldn’t. If only because they make his blood run a bit cold. Or, colder. He still hasn’t really recovered from the blanket theft.

“Are you?” she adds.

Killian’s going to bite his tongue in half by the end of the day.

Maybe the end of the morning.

“Did I call you last night?” he asks softly, ducking further into the corner like that will stop his voice from traveling across the room.

Emma’s on the phone too.

“Several times,” Ariel replies, not bothering to disguise her laugh anymore. “Each one got progressively more excited. It was honestly almost nice.” “Almost?” “Almost. Because, uh—did you really actually do it?” He’s frozen. Stuck. Stock-still in the corner with the shadow and his own regret and he’s already lost track of the number of times he’s looked at his ring.

Killian’s got to stop thinking of it like that.

It’s far too possessive.

“Your silence is deafening,” Ariel murmurs.

“Shut up.” “The honeymoon’s over, huh?”

“Seriously, shut up.”

“Killian,” Ariel says, voice going placating. He narrows his eyes at open air. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

“Don’t you have better things to do?”

“Right now? No.”

“You might want to reexamine your priorities.”

“Oh, don’t be a dick. I’m worried about you.”

“Me? Why?”

The breadth of Ariels’ reactionary noises would be impressive in any other situation. As it is, they’re mostly just annoying and Killian needs to take a shower. And down a fistful of Ibuprofen.

“You’re really kidding me, aren’t you?” Ariel challenges. “Oh my God, that’s—how long would you say you’ve been madly in love with your best friend?”

Silence. It’s not his first choice, but his tongue is doing that thing again and Emma’s voice is getting sharper on the other side of the room.

Ariel hums. “It’s so obvious. Even before the elopement. I mean—I was not joking about the messages. You should probably make sure you didn’t take out ad space in whatever the major Las Vegas newspaper is.”

“The Las Vegas Review Journal.” “God, you’re such a dweeb.” “Was this the worry?”

“You love that girl,” Ariel says matter of factly. “And you have forever. And it’s—she is so ridiculously into you—” “—What?” Killian growls, hand going tight enough around his phone that he’s worried he’s going to snap it in half. That might not be the worst thing in the world.

“People do not just marry their best friends.” “There was a lot of alcohol involved.” “What’s that saying about drunk thoughts and actions?” His eyes flicker towards Emma, swallowing back his retort because he wants, wants, wants, with every single fiber of his being and every reason why he hasn’t taken his ring off yet and—

“Silence,” Ariel mutters. “You should tell her at some point that you’d like to date her while you’re married.” “We’re not staying married.” “That’s stupid.” “That’s practical.” “When is romance practical?” “Ariel.” “Killian,” she says, and he rolls his eyes towards the ceiling. It hurts. “You really did sound happy last night.” “You’re getting sentimental on me.” “You’re a martyr, you know that?” “Nah,” he objects. “It’s just—” “—Oh say, it’s complicated, please.” “It is.” Ariel clicks her tongue. “Sure it is. Seriously, you may want to double check on the newspaper ads. And other voicemails. From both of your phones.” He’s going to say something. It will be scathing and it will get the smile he’s sure is taking up most of the space on Ariel’s face to disappear, but then Emma is walking towards him, nerves practically rolling off her in waves. “I, uh—I called Mary Margaret last night.” “Told you,” Ariel yells. Killian snarls into the phone. She cackles.

Emma scrunches her nose. “So, she’s called me like forty-seven times. They’re still trying to get to Logan and apparently Scarlet did get on a flight. Ruby yelled and Belle pleaded and it was a whole thing, so they’re on their way here and—” “—They’re probably bringing gifts,” Ariel shouts.

“Is that Ariel?” Killian hums. “She’s very bored on Christmas break. Mind gone soft and so now she’s just determined to do permanent damage to my hearing and—” “—You are a dick,” Ariel says, making sure to pause between each word. For emphasis.

“Did you call Ariel?” Emma asks.

“Something about good news and it traveling fast.” She lets out a strangled sound between gritted teeth, nose still scrunched and far more attractive than any nose has any right to be. “Keep that in mind because Mary Margaret in all her overprotective wonder passed our tidings of great joy—” “—Look who’s making jokes now.” “She told Regina.”

Killian curses.

“Who was,” Emma continues, “as judgmental as you’d expect her to be, but also full of legal advice and promises that an annulment isn’t just possible, but is exactly what we should be doing and—are you ok?” “Hmmm?” “You’re doing that thing with your face.” “I have no face thing.” “Killian.” “Swan.” “Didn’t we do this before?” “Oh my God, how we were you not already married?” Ariel cries. Killian hangs up on her, stuffing his phone back in his pocket. It buzzes immediately.

“Where’s the inevitable but in this string of instructions?” Killian asks.

Emma smiles. Honest. Real. A little nervous, still, but something almost close to the expression Killian has started to consider his and that’s insane. He’s insane.

God, they’re married.

They are married.

He’s not sure he doesn’t want to be.

“Mind reader.” “Regina wouldn’t be able to make it easy.” “I’m not sure if it’s her or national holidays and our timing,” Emma shrugs. “But, uh—well, she said that we talk to lawyer, figure out the right reason for the annulment and then it shouldn’t take more than two weeks. We just—need it to not be Christmas.” “Meaning?” “Meaning our friends are on their way and we won’t be able to do much about this,” she nods towards his hand, hanging limply at his side, “until December twenty-sixth.” “Right.” “The face.” “No face, love,” Killian says, another slip of the tongue and he’s got to stop. That seems harder than not being in love with her.

Emma quirks an eyebrow. “Mary Margaret said they should be here tonight. But that leaves us—” “—A schedule for today?” “The Nutcracker.” “A ballet?” Emma nods. “And she thought Scarlet would agree to go to that?” “I don’t think he did. There are only four tickets and she’s already sold hers and David’s, so it’s just—” “—Us.” “Us,” Emma repeats.

Killian takes a deep breath, forcing a smile. It doesn’t do much to convince Emma, he knows, but his phone is making noise and his heart is doing its best hummingbird impression.

She hasn’t taken her ring off.

He dimly remembers picking out rings.

With her.

They are married.

“So,” Emma says, “if you want to get ready, then—maybe we could get some breakfast or something?” “Yeah?” “Sounds like you’re double checking that I want to.” “I mean—” “—We’ll fix it,” she cuts in. “But there’s nothing we can really do now and if I don’t shower soon, I may go insane. Killian barks out a laugh. “That’s fair. I’ll meet you—” “—Back here?” “Ok.” “Ok.”

Approximately 12:30 a.m. Christmas Eve

“That one.” “Yeah?” “Is this you double checking?” Emma asks, glancing over her shoulder and there’s something about that exact shade of green in her eyes that has Killian leaning forward, catching her lips with his. They’re definitely in the double-digits, kiss-wise now. He’s not all that inclined to stop, a rush that moves through both of his arms and settles in the base of his heels every single time it happens, like it’s grounding him and sending him into orbit at exactly the same time.

It’s better than he thought it would be.

The way her head tilts and that soft sound she makes, like she’s breathing out any sense of worry or fear, just trying to inhale him instead, light scratches of her nails when her fingers find their way into his hair.

That keeps happening.

He curls an arm around her waist, pulling her flush against his chest.

It leaves them impossibly close, like they’re trying to occupy the same few inches, or maybe just take up a bit more space in each other’s lives and Killian swears his head spins as soon as he feels her tongue brush his.

And the words bubble. They threaten. They rise up the back of his throat, feelings and desire and some rational part of him knows he should say them before they do this, but this seems to be happening and it kind of feels like a roller coaster.

Terrifying and exciting and he hopes he doesn’t lose his sunglasses when they flip upside down.

It’s admittedly a slightly jumbled metaphor.

But.

Then Emma is kissing him and the chapel worker coughs and she might giggle. He hoards the sound away. For later.

Forever.

“That one,” Emma repeats, tapping on the glass case it’s not much more than a thin band of white gold, but it could be her band of white gold and—

“Perfect,” Killian says.

From: Scarlet_Will@yahoo.com To: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com Subject: AHAHAHAHAHAHA

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

IDIOT.

From: sherrif@storybrooke.gov To: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com Subject: [Empty]

If you mess this up, I may scream. God, you’re an idiot. Did you at least tell her you love her yet?

From: Scarlet_Will@yahoo.com To: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com CC: sherrif@storybrooke.gov

Subject: AHAHAHAHAHAHA PART TWO

David says you didn’t tell her you love her yet?????

Seriously, do you have a brain cell????? Like. One????

From: sherrif@storybrooke.gov To: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com Scarlet_Will@yahoo.com Subject: Re: AHAHAHAHAHAHA PART TWO

Braincell is one word, isn’t it?

From: Scarlet_Will@yahoo.com To: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com sherrif@storybrooke.gov Subject: Re: AHAHAHAHAHAHA PART TWO

Are you….are you kidding me?

From: Killian.Jones@JonesShipping.com To: Scarlet_Will@yahoo.com sherrif@storybrooke.gov Subject: Re: AHAHAHAHAHAHA PART TWO

Did you both pay for in-flight wifi to do this?

From: Will@yahoo.com To: sherrif@storybrooke.gov Subject: The Idiot

I don’t think he told her he loved her.

From: sherrif@storybrooke.gov To: Will@yahoo.com Subject: Re: The Idiot

Idiot.

He keeps glancing at her.

It’s not all that covert, despite Killian’s best efforts. And, really, he refuses to admit that it’s even remotely his fault, because Emma keeps making quiet sounds that catch his attention, eyes wide whenever a ballerina does something particularly impressive and he’s not sure she’s blinked the entire second act.

He’s cataloguing her reactions.

In a way that isn’t nearly as creepy as it sounds.

In...drunkenly married his best friend on Christmas Eve and can’t unmarry his best friend because of legal bullshit and might be falling a bit more in love with that same best friend while she watches The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies.

He thinks that’s what this is.

Like ninety-six percent positive.

“You’re missing everything,” Emma mumbles out one side of her mouth.

“No, I’m not.” “If you stare at me any harder, you’re going to drill a hole into the side of my head.” “You’d look weird then.” She muffles her laugh with her hand, sliding further into her seat, but then her eyebrows are flying up her forehead and he can still hear the exact way she gasps when even more dancers appear on stage, a sea of color and swelling music and—

Killian grabs her hand.

Instinct. More than instinct. Head over heels in love with her.

Any of those excuses work, really.

And Emma doesn’t pull her hand away, doesn’t flinch or do anything except lace her fingers around Killian’s, thumb brushing the back of his palm.

Her eyes don’t leave the stage.

Her hand doesn’t leave his.

He genuinely doesn’t remember how Clara got back to her house.

Magic, he assumes. Something about Christmas and—

“Mary Margaret is going to be so disappointed she didn’t see that,” Emma breathes as soon as the curtain falls, head snapping towards Killian. Her eyes are bright again, an excitement there that doesn’t match up with the nerves of the last few hours, but he assumes it might just be more magic, or some kind of something that is inherently them and the power of friendship.

Or, whatever.

He kind of hates that last part. “That was,” Emma says, “Just—God, that was so...pretty.” He grins.

“Oh, don’t make fun.” “I’m not,” Killian objects. “It was very pretty.” She clicks her tongue, thinks he’s teasing her, but it might be the most honest thing he’s said all day. Idiot, Idiot. Idiot. “You didn’t even watch any of it. You laughed at the Rat King.” “Well, that was kind of funny.” “They were threatening!” “I’m sure if I got shrunk down to the size of a toy, I would also think a rat wearing a crown was a threat. And Uncle Drosselmeyer was—” “—Let’s not talk about Uncle Drosselmeyer.” “Because he’s a giant creep?” Emma mutters something that sounds like bah humbug under her breath, standing up to starting moving towards an exit. Her thumb taps against Killian’s. “You’re mixing references, love.” She squeezes his hand.

He thinks. He doesn’t want to imagine that.

But he’s also getting very greedy and he hadn’t taken his ring off and she’s wearing a different dress. Blue this time.

He might give Uncle Drosselmeyer a run for his creep-type money. There’s a joke about slot machines in there, Killian is sure.

“So,” Emma says when they reach the lobby, “what do we do now?” “What else was on Mary Margaret’s schedule?” “I don’t know actually, um—probably dinner, but they all land around seven anyway and—” “—You don’t want to eat without them?” “That’s not a secret me avoiding you thing.” “No?” Killian asks, and he hopes she doesn’t hear the added emotion behind both letters. That would be embarrassing.

More than everything else.

He probably shouldn’t have spent an entire ballet matinee staring at her.

“No,” Emma echoes. She tugs on the front of his jacket, like will make the words ring truer. He’s admittedly staring at her still, though. So.

“You want to play slots again?”

Killian presses his tongue to the inside of his mouth, a flutter of nerves in the pit of his stomach. “A dangerous game, don’t you think?” “We were good at it.” “I don’t know if you can be good at slots, Swan. That’s just—luck and spin ratio and—” “—Oh my God, say spin ratio again please.” “I’m serious.” “I know, so am I.”

He considers that for a moment—lets the sound of her voice settle in the darker corners of his brain, the places only Emma is really aware of, lost moments and could-have-been and Killian is breathing out of his mouth again, but for as fucked up as this whole thing is and will be for the next forty-eight hours, existing in the same space as her has been as easy as ever.

Maybe better.

With white-gold shine added in.

“We’re going to have to get more coins.” “We’re capable of doing that.” “You don’t want to try blackjack or something?” Emma shakes her head. “Nah, the house is always going to wind up screwing you at all those table games and I don’t know how to count cards.” “Is that a requirement?” “Hollywood would suggest it is.” Killian chuckles, the desire to kiss her senseless rushing up his spine. As if that’s not his constant state of being. “Plus,” Emma adds, rocking forward until her head bumps his collarbone, “the slots are more fun with their lights and showmanship and it’s not quite so—” “—So what?” “Serious?” She asks it like she’s not sure she actually wanted to say the word and Killian’s answering inhale is far too sharp, his nod far too brusque. “Right,” he says, and he’d let the analogy go on for too long anyway. “You want to walk to a casino, or—” “—Yeah, that’s fine.” “Cool. Let’s go.”

Approximately 10 p.m., December 23rd

The lights are very loud.

Casinos by their very nature seem very loud. There are people and more people, roulette wheels and sound effects. Drink orders and music playing, shouting and cheering and booing, as if the cards give a fuck about human emotions and Killian’s feeling almost too existential with Emma plastered to his front, demanding more coins for the slot machine they’ve claimed as they’re own.

They win.

They keep winning.

It makes more noise.

And then—

“I like you,” Emma announces, spinning on the spot and her arms are draped over his shoulders and— “Yeah?” “Is this you double checking?” “Something like that,” Killian mumbles. His vision swims, half convinced this is a dream he’s had more than once. “Yeah.” “That was the answer, then?” “Yeah.” “A little more loquacious, love.”

Emma lets out a shaky laugh, color rising in her cheeks and the side of her neck, shuddering slightly when Killian tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. And it all kind of—

“I’d really like to kiss you,” he whispers. “Do it, then.”

He does.

They don’t win.

It seems almost too heavy-handed, an unnecessary message from the universe that they can’t have nice things or simple things and this isn’t either one of those things, but Killian found himself hoping somewhere during the curtain call of the Nutcracker and he’s starting to wonder if they can get their money back from the Chapel of the Bells. He should make a list of everyone he has to call.

They will all be monumentally depressing phone calls.

And Emma keeps sighing, his jacket hanging heavy on her shoulders because it’s Las Vegas, but she’s constantly cold and he’s nothing if not a glutton for punishment. She stuffs another coin into a machine that’s different than the one they played last night and the signs have got to stop. Killian is going to scream.

“Ah, shit,” Emma hisses, kicking a frustrated leg out when the machine shows three different fruits. “That’s—it’s garbage.” “Scathing.” “I’m losing all your money.” “Eh, some of it is yours.” “Is it?” “Mmhm, you didn’t want to carry your wallet and I took some of your cash.” Killian shrugs when Emma gapes at him. “We don’t really have much left, honestly.”

“God, that is so sad.” “Scarlet owes us drinks.” “How do you figure?” “I told him sixteen times he should have gotten on an earlier flight, but—” “—He’s a stubborn ass?” “That, exactly.” Emma chuckles, a little more watery than Killian would like it to be, but he also assumes most casinos are used to crying. Just in general. He needs to stop giving the casino a personality. “He thought it’d be cheaper to fly closer to the holiday. And flying makes him nervous, so—” “—No way.” “Did you not know that?” “No. Although I bet Ruby mocked him mercilessly for that the entire flight.” “What would you bet?” She smiles, teeth finding her lower lip like she’s worried the action is too big. For them. And this moment.

Of complete and utter awkwardness.

Someone wants to use their machine.

“Alright, alright, alright,” Killian growls, an arm around Emma’s waist when he pulls her away. The woman, her coin bucket jangling noisily when she plops onto the plastic seat, grimaces at them, but she doesn’t actually speak and—“Let’s play a different game, love,” he says.

They don’t.

Killian didn’t really expect them to, what with their decreasing funds and a ring on his hand that seems determined to pull him into the Earth and he’s got to say something. He needs to say everything, but saying anything is suddenly the biggest challenge in the world and it is so goddamn loud.

Emma says something anyway.

“I’m sorry.” Killian’s shoulders sag. “What? For...what do you have to be—” “—Is that a joke?” “I’m out of jokes, I think.”

“This isn’t normal.” “No, but—” “—There are no buts here? We got married!” “I was there, Swan.” “Where you? Really? Because we’re just acting like it’s nothing and—” “—What would you rather do?”

It’s another big question. Far too big. Epically big. God, he hopes he doesn’t have to talk to Ariel for a week. She’s going to be insufferable. “Do you honestly not remember how this went?” He can feel his eyebrows lower, confusion rattling down his spine. Emma looks close to distraught. “I just—this made sense. Last night and even before last night and—” She drags both her hands down her cheeks, leaving streaks in her wake and Killian is not breathing. “I asked you to kiss me, Killian! That was—it was all me and—” “—Stop that.” “What?” “We’re going in circles, I think.” “I don’t understand.” “Are you under some impression that I don’t want to kiss you? Constantly?” “What?” “Emma, love, you’ve got to say something else.”

Her whole body sags. She wins. “I don’t—” she stammers, fingers curling around the back of her neck and the chain there and something in the back of his brain startles at that, not used to seeing the metal or the light imprint it leaves on her skin. “You can’t double up on nicknames like that, it’s cheating.” “That’s just your name.” “Yeah, but you’ve got your own thing, don’t you?” “Is that you double checking?” “It might be,” she admits, and there wasn’t that much space between them, but she rocks forward anyway, the toe of her shoes brushing Killian’s. “I—I don’t really remember how we got to the chapel.” “Neither do I, honestly.” “So, no idea who asked who, then?” “Maybe some hope.” The words fall out of him. It feels that way, at least. Part admission, part want, again, Emma’s eyes going wide enough to do damage and Killian doesn’t think. It’s too loud for that, anyway.

He ducks his head, swallowing down his groan when Emma steps on his foot. It’s easy to do that when he’s kissing her instead. His hands find her waist, holding on like he’s battling some kind of romantic tide and he’s barely cognizant of Emma’s eyes fluttering shut before her fingers curl around the front of his shirt, tugging him forward. Killian tilts his head, lets himself fall into a rhythm, far easier than anything else he’s done and if he’s keeping with the water puns, it feels like cresting the surface of a particular strong wave.

That he’d be all too content to drown in.

Emma pushes up again, lets her fingers card through the hair at the back of his neck and he can’t stop moving his own hands, desperate to blaze some kind of path that he’ll think about for the rest of forever.

The word bounces around his brain, leaves bruises and brands and another word that’s inherently more positive than that and— “Heyo, what are we doing here?” Killian is going to commit murder on the first floor of the Bellagio.

Andy Garcia’s character from Ocean’s Eleven will be pissed off.

And the whole lot of them are still holding their luggage, coats draped over arms and matching looks of surprise on their faces. Or so Killian assumes. He’s still staring at Emma, watching the dismay cloud her gaze.

She swallows.

“I’m going to get some air,” Emma announces, not bothering to hand Killian back his jacket. He doesn’t ask for it.

Mary Margaret mutters something undoubtedly encouraging, Ruby’s hand over mouth and Belle swatting at Will while he continues to laugh uproariously. David looks at Killian, stuck to the spot with his heart crumbling and his stomach on a different floor and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to—

Something hits him.

Not literally. Metaphorically.

Memory...y.

“Did you tell her you love her?” David asks knowingly, and Killian doesn’t nod or shake his head, just kind of twists his neck because— “I’ll be right back.” He runs.

Approximately four in the morning, Christmas Eve

They got married.

Married.

To each other.

Killian’s whole body is thrumming, excitement mixing with everything he’s ever felt for Emma Swan and the questionable amount of alcohol either one of them has ingested. They haven’t taken their clothes off, which he’s sure he’ll be disappointed by eventually, but for now he’s content to lay there, staring up at the ceiling with his wife curled against his side, fingers tracing idle patterns over her arm.

He’s fairly certain she’s asleep.

It’s really why he says what he does. “I love you, Emma.” She doesn’t still, so much as she takes a deep breath, Killian hoping and wanting and—“I love you too, Killian.”

She hasn’t made it very far.

And he shouldn’t take much joy from that, but Killian’s desperate and greedy and he skids to a stop in front of a fountain that isn’t doing fountain things yet. He supposes it’s only a matter of time.

It’s another clunky metaphor.

“Hi,” Killian breathes, Emma’s lips curling up even when she tugs on the chain around her neck. He realizes what’s on it.

Her ring.

He’s glad he didn’t waste time killing Scarlett. It’d be hard to profess his love from jail.

“If I apologize again are you going to freak out?” “Undoubtedly,” Killian nods.

“That’s dumb.” “Your apology? Yes.”

Emma huffs, the ring falling over the front of her dress and the side of his jacket zipper and that kind of messes with his head a little. “This is insane.”

“Unorthodox.” “They all saw us making out in the casino.” “I’d imagine a lot of people did,” Killian reasons, dropping in front of her. “The degenerates come out in droves on national holidays, you know.”

“What happened to being out of jokes?” “It’s a defense mechanism.” “From me?”

She whispers the question, trepidation and nerves and Killian hopes he doesn’t fall over when he lifts his hand. His balance is better sober, though. “I didn’t want to—” “—Marry me?” He’s not holding his breath, so whatever sound he makes is absurd, leaving his forehead resting on Emma’s and her fingers brushing over the side of his jaw, familiar and not and normal and unexpected and absolutely goddamn perfect.

In an unorthodox sort of way.

“Say that again.” “You first.” “God, you’re stubborn, you know that,” he mutters, and Emma smiles, a kiss between his eyebrows. “I—ok, you want to be honest? Let’s be honest. That’s how Christmas works, right?” “Something about naughty and nice and rats.” “No rats, Swan.” “Nutcracker princes?” “Look who’s making jokes now,” Killian grins. He noses at her cheek, like some dam of emotional upheaval has been broken and he can’t stop touching her if he tries. He doesn’t try.

“You didn’t take it off.” “What?” “Your, uh—” Emma says, “your wedding ring. You haven’t—God, I keep looking at it. You’re sure it’s not a magnet?” “Not that I’m aware of, no.” “Weird.” “The weirdest.” “Why didn’t you take it off?”

Killian takes a deep breath, not as nervous as he probably should be because this is the moment and he’s almost surprised they don’t have a larger audience. Mary Margaret might be hiding behind a bush.

“I didn’t want to,” he says. Strictly speaking he wishes he said he more. He wishes there were some ridiculously romantic speech with adjectives and adverbs and every promise he’s ever made to himself when it comes to Emma, but that’s the important part and she’s kissing him.

He can feel her smile against his mouth.

And that’s enough.

By a long shot.

Gambling puns.

Emma pulls him up when she stands, Killian’s palm flat on her back and her fingers tracing as much of him as she can, rocking back and forth until they find a rhythm that might just be them and—

They both yelp when the fountain goes off behind them.

He nearly falls over her. She kicks him in the ankle. They laugh. Loudly. And he’d been right about Mary Margaret.

They’re all there, another round of smiles and practically giddy laughter, hands in the air and shouts of triumph that sound suspiciously like winning the jackpot.

Killian feels that way.

“I didn’t want to,” he repeats, soft enough that only Emma can hear. “I just wanted—” “—Me?” “You, Swan. From the very start. For as long as I can remember. And it’s—you want to go on a date or something?” “Honestly?” “No jokes.” She leans back, eyes wide and as hopeful as he’s ever wanted them to be. About him. And them. Collectively. “I’d like to go on several dates. That end with less clothing. I was really upset about all the clothing last night.” “We can probably work on that.” “Yeah?” “Yeah,” Killian nods. “And I—well, we don’t have to stay this—” “—No, no, that’s...I mean, it’s not the worst thing in the world.” “High praise.” “Something like that,” she agrees. “Just, you know...maybe we can date while we’re—” “—Married,” Killian finishes.

“That’s the first time you’ve said that.” “Why do you know that?” “As if you didn’t.” He kisses her again. He can’t help it. Scarlet whistles. And they do go to dinner eventually, but then Killian’s tugging Emma down a hallway, a mouth against her neck and her fingers working buttons and—

It’s even colder the next morning, a distinct lack of clothing and bedding, but there’s a body against his and a small smile on her face and he lets his eyes close again, hopeful for whatever else they may want together.

Approximately 5:15 p.m. April 17th

He asks her.

For real that time.

It’s sooner than he plans on, but they’ve been married for months and Emma smiles when she kisses him.

He figures that’s the response.

[aahsokaatano]

ITALY????

Y’all I spent one whole week in Italy in 2017 and it was one of the most bizarre fucking weeks of my life

let’s break it down from the beginning

[under a read more for length]

So, fall of 2017 I was studying abroad in London. One of the classes I was taking was specifically for study abroad students, designed to get us engaging in the culture of London or whatever i dont really remember the class itself but my god do i remember the people i met in it

two in particular were these girls, also American. We shall call them Molly and Ally. They had quickly made friends with each other, and after one of the class trips into London, i was friendly with them as well. The “reading week” or fall break was coming up, and they mentioned that they were going to Italy and asked if I wanted to go. I had booked a short tour to Dover, but thought “oh my god Italy???? Fuck yes!” and so I bought my plane tickets then asked them where they had booked hotel rooms so that I could add myself to their itinerary

“Oh,” Molly said, “we haven’t, don’t worry about it”

Me, a seasoned traveler “?????? uh”

I bugged them about this for at LEAST a week and finally, about THREE DAYS from when we were supposed to leave, I just went ahead and booked an assortment of hostels and airbnbs for us in all the cities they wanted to go to and told them to pay me back later

they actually admitted afterwards that that had been a smart move on my part which like????? no SHIT its a smart move to have a plan where you’re gonna sleep every night while in a foreign country. god.

So, lets go through this day by day

Day 1 - London to Milan

we flew from London to Milan in the evening, getting there pretty late at night. and it was only once we were actually IN Italy that I learned that 1) none of us spoke Italian and 2) despite having grown up in two areas with large Hispanic populations, neither Molly or Ally spoke a lick of Spanish, which is close enough to Italian that you can kind of limp through a conversation of one if you know the other.

so, somehow, I ended up being our Italian translator for the week, armed with nothing but a translator website, a handful of Italian music terms, and the ability to roll my r’s fairly well for a white person. Literally, i figured out where the bus stop was outside of the airport because I saw the word “fermata” painted on the pavement and I knew that meant “long pause” in sheet music terms so I hazarded a guess it meant stop or similar in regular Italian

(sidenote I almost got in a fight with some random Italian dude on the bus because Molly was going on about how excited she was to try the pizza and I told her it wasn’t going to be the same because “the pizza you’re used to is an American invention” and he turned around and started going on about the tradition of pizza in Italy and I was like I just mean that American pizza is different from real Italian pizza i did not mean to offend i’m sorry!!!!!! anyways)

the bus dropped us in a square in the middle of Milan and we got out and i’m lookin at my airbnb app trying to figure out where we need to go and i said “okay we need to get a cab” and Molly and Ally are arguing about something and this RANDOM ASS DUDE walks up to us and is like “you need taxi?” and i said yes to he leads us back to his REGULAR ASS CAR, NOT A TAXI and tells us to get in, and for some unknown fucking reason I do and Molly and Ally follow me and shut up real fast because this is sketchy as fuck but the guy did take us to the airbnb without murdering us so thats a win i guess

The airbnb by the way was more like a mini hostel - it was this apartment where pretty much every room except the bathroom had been converted into a bedroom and so probably not entirely legal but whatever. whatever. 

Day 2 - Milan to Venice

i woke up early the next morning and went to take a shower at the bathroom at the end of the hall and found out that the lights didn’t work. Whatever, I’m mostly blind without my glasses anyways so i just showered in the dark, no biggie

we had an early bus to catch from Milan to Venice, so we headed out to the bus station. I’ll be honest, I do not remember how we got there. I think we walked, because I ended up with a coffee at some point so I probably got it from some cafe on the way? But idk. I was so tired.

We get on the bus, I found two empty seats far away from Molly and Ally, and immediately stretched out and fell asleep.

Ally woke me a little later and said “c’mon, we’re here!”

I was confused as all hell because it had not been nearly long enough for us to get all the way to Venice, but I got off the bus and was greeted by Molly stretching her arms out and proclaiming “Welcome to Venice!” underneath a sign that said we were at the Verona bus station.

They did not believe me when I said Verona and Venice were two different places. “Venice has canals, Verona is where Romeo & Juliet is set. There are no canals in R&J, they’re two different places!” I literally had to pull out my phone, go to google maps, and zoom out until they could see that Venice was still several hours away before they believed me.

The bus driver almost didn’t let us back on but I was able to show him on the tickets that our end destination was, in fact, Venice.

Venice itself was pretty neat. We got to go on a gondola ride and I ate an entire pizza by myself at dinner lmao.

Day 3 - Venice to Florence

we took a train from Venice to Florence the next morning, and that’s when I discovered that Italian train stations have lovely little cafes with AMAZING coffee and really good pastries. The other two didn’t drink coffee but like, their loss. it was fantastic. 

Florence was great, we found a little shop that sold really yummy gelato for only 1 Euro a scoop - Geletaria La Carraia. If you ever end up in Florence, definitely check it out!

We wandered around for a while, took a lot of pictures. There was some famous church that was undergoing some renovations, but as we walked up to it Molly gasped and said “I’ve climbed that in Assassin’s Creed!” which was pretty funny. 

We went to a museum that had made a bunch of models of some of Leonardo DaVinci’s inventions. We went to an art museum and stumbled across Michaelangelo’s David on accident, so that was the big “wtf” moment of the day. Also that night Molly decided to buy a bottle of wine to take home to a friend of her’s back in America, but realized after buying it that her backpack wasn’t big enough to cart it around for the rest of the week so I ended up carrying an entire fucking bottle of wine for the rest of the trip because I was the only one smart enough to bring a proper backpacking backpack and not just my school bag.

Also the hostel we were in had actual skeleton keys for their rooms and actual goddamn keyholes that one could clearly see through so i left the key in the lock all night AND hung my sweatshirt from the door handle so that no one could peek in at us

Day 4 - Florence to Pisa

once again, I woke up early, went into the bathroom attached to our room (the hostel had had a cancellation and so we ended up in a private room instead of a dorm style) and discovered that the lights didn’t work so I had a second shower in the dark

we took another train from Florence to Pisa, and there we ran into our only bit of bad weather

What’s the big draw in Pisa? The Leaning Tower, right?

What was the only day it rained, non-fucking-stop, the entire time we were in Italy? THE DAY WE WERE IN PISA

I got so soaked that I actually bought a new sweatshirt because the one I was wearing was DRIPPING

anyways, after we had taken several dumb touristy pictures and grabbed an early dinner at a nearby restaurant, we decided to head over to the room I had booked. The cheapest place I could find was a tiny cabin at a campground nearby. According to the map on my phone, it was a short walk away.

A solid hour later, we finally trudged up to the main office of the campground, shivering and soaked, and got the keys to our cabin. We set our stuff down, and Ally and Molly decided to go back out to the grocery store we had passed coming in. I waved them off and went to take a shower in the bathroom with fully functioning lights! hooray!

Day 5 - Pisa to Rome

another morning, another train station with excellent coffee. We got into Rome and, at this point, we were all so tired from travelling that I was finally able to take charge. up until this point, Molly had been railroading us, even sort of bullying Ally in the process, but now she was exhausted and I, through a combination of practice in functioning while dead on my feet, lots of travel experience, and Mom Friend Instincts, took the reins. We got to Rome and I said “we’re going to the church with the big hole in the roof (its a thing, look it up) and then we’re going to eat.... at this place around the corner and then we’re going to to go our hostel and check in”

they didn’t argue, and that’s a true testament to how fucking tired the two of them were, especially Molly, because she would argue about anything and everything given half a chance. We also went to the military museum that day, mostly because it was free and also air conditioned

(also while looking through my pictures of this trip i just discovered that i still have the picture i took of the Rome hostel FAQ page that had by the front desk, which i now remember i did because it had the wifi password on it and we weren’t in our room for 30 seconds before one of the other two asked what the wifi password was so, once again, i show that i am a very good traveler/travelling buddy)

Day 6 - Rome

so we had the next full day in Rome, and we got up early to get in line for the Vatican. I wanted to be there by 7am, Molly was like “it doesn’t even open until 9!” and we compromised at 8 and it was STILL an enormous line so i was like “see? this is why i wanted to get here early”

Oh, but before we went to the Vatican, i took a shower. IN. THE. DARK. BECAUSE ALL OF ITALY EXCEPT FOR PISA DECIDED THAT I DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE A SHOWER WHERE I DIDN’T HAVE TO FUMBLE AROUND BLINDLY LIKE AN ASSHOLE

ALSO on the way to the Vatican, I asked if the two of them had their passports. Ally said yes. Molly said yes, why?

And I had to then explain to Molly, a 20 year old RELIGIOUS STUDIES MAJOR, who was RAISED CATHOLIC and who had FAMILY IN THE CLERGY, that the Vatican, THE CENTER OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, is it’s own country. 

she, again, did not believe me until i pulled it up on google for her

turned out that we didn’t need our passports stamped to enter the Vatican but still! still!!!!!

so it turned out that whatever day we were there on, the Sistine Chapel isn’t open that day, so we just walked through the cathedral and then headed out to the Colosseum and the ruins of the Senate behind it, both of which were very cool

Day 7 - Rome to Milan to London

we got up even EARLIER on our last day, I took another shower in the dark, and we rushed over to the Vatican, speedwalked through most of the museum, and finally got into the Sistine Chapel, which was absolutely breathtaking. Then we hauled ass back to the train station to catch our train back to Milan.

At this point in the trip, I was so fucking done with the two of them, but especially Molly. Ally was sweet and naive, but she was also willing to listen to new information. Molly was just a stubborn ass with a mean streak a mile wide and I was COMPLETELY done associating with her.

Luckily, since I had booked my flights separately, while we had flown into Milan on the same plane, I had a completely different flight back to London - to a different airport, even. They were going back to London City, but I was heading to London Gatwick. Both planes were set to depart around the same time, from two gates that were next to each other though, so i couldn’t really escape them until - uh oh! My flight was delayed. 

Molly and Ally were fretting about it but i was like “it’s fine. it’s fine. I’ve been flying since i was literally 3 months old and I s o m e h o w know more Italian AND Spanish than the two of you combined, even though I would never say that I speak EITHER of those languages. Just go.”

The flight ended up being delayed like 5 hours due to mechanical issues. They finally just got another plane for us, and we finally took off from Milan. When we went over Paris, the captain, obviously feeling bad about the delay, made sure to tilt the plane in both directions so that everyone could see the Eiffel Tower lit up, it was really neat.

We finally got back to London at literally like 230 in the morning. The busses and some of the trains weren’t even running at that point - certainly not all the way out to the fancy little liberal arts college I was going to. I went up to some security guard at the airport and said “just tell me how close I can get to the University of Roehampton on the trains” and he told me to take the train to Black Friars so I got out there and there was a bus, but it was like 40 minutes out. It’s now pass 3am, I am exhausted after a long, weird week in Italy, I texted my dad and he said “just get an Uber i’ll pay for it”

The Uber driver was very nice and as soon as I got in he said “you look really cold! do you want the heat on?” i could have fucking kissed him. he was super nice. actually made sure that I was still texting my dad (i had mentioned it when I got in because I almost dropped my bag while trying to text and maneuver at the same time) every few minutes. offered to let me take and send a picture of him to my dad. otherwise didn’t really speak and just let the music play. I tipped him literally whatever was in my pocket at that time, i don’t remember how much it was, but it was at least 20% and probably more. Really great guy. 

Random London Uber driver from 2017, you remain the best Uber driver and I love you

i finally crawled into my shitty little dorm bed at about 4am, exhausted and utterly bewildered by the past week

honestly??? I’m still bewildered by my week in Italy.

wtf even happened in all that mess.

[shinobi98]

Since I recently started Black Clover and I'm already invested in it I'd like to do a rating of the characters I've met so far at ep 35 (basically when Yami and Licht are fighting in that cave).

Asta: all his shouting gives me headache and he'd a weird mix between Naruto, Rin Okamura and Midoriya but I love him. I have a feeling I'll dislike him later on when he inevitably will become OP, but for now he's a really sweet boy. My only problem with him is that he already has 3 love interests, how?? 8/10

Yuno: he reminds me a lot of Yukio Okamura from Blue Exorcist, but ten times more likable. I thought he would be the rival turned villain who Asta would chase across the world (cough Sasuke cough) due to his character design but now I think he was just introvert and competitive and a little smug, but he's real nice. When he does his little smile he's really cute. Not as big of a jerk as he could have been. 6/10

Noelle: when we first see her, I thought she would be a shy and soft spoken, blushing useless healer, so I was pleasantly surprised when we actually got to see her personality. A bit too tsundere sometimes, but it was surprising. I wish she'd learn to control her magic some, though, so we could actually see her in battle. Also her love story with Asta is kinda cringey, hope they develop into a nice friendship. 6/10

Black Bulls:

Magna-senpai: I thought he was part of the main trio, but looks like Asta and Noelle have a different sidekick ever arc. Shame because I liked him. A delinquent version of FFXV Ignis. His baseball themed magic is really cool, like his broom. He's like Asta big bro. 7/10

Luck: what kinda name is Luck? Anyway, I thought he was 12 and turns out he's 18 OMG, he looks like a baby. Not sure if he's cute or a maniac with that creepy smile lol his obsession with fighting annoyed me at first but after we learnt his story I'll cut him some slack. 7/10

Finral: aka Loke from Fairy Tail. I feel bad for him because he's always bossed around but damn, does he fight at all? His magic his hard to use in combat, I'll give him that, but he's like Yami's transport and nothing more. RIP. He's still funny though. 6/10

Vanessa: her surname cracks me up because it literally means "wine shop" in my language, although it's pretty fitting I guess? I also refer to her as Cana because she's totally Cana from Fairy Tail minus daddy issue. For now she ain't much, but I hope she'll get an arc focused on her later on because she seems interested and a good person. 6/10

Gordon: he looked like a goddamn villain. Then we find out he's just really shy... But also a creep that keeps a journal about his "best friend" Asta so idk what to think about this guy honestly. 5/10

Gray: idk. Cool magic, but he never talks. 3/10

Gauche: his back history was so interesting! He think he's the first Black Bull to be introduced as noble (besides Noelle)? Poor guy had it rough. And he doesn't go on and on about saving people like the rest of the Knights, which is nice because it gives him and interesting character flaw but... Stop. Obsessing. About. Your. Sister. That's creepy. At first I thought it was a joke but now idk. He's on thin fucking ice. 6/10

Charmy: she's not just a comic relief. She's badass??? She got promoted up so many ranks?? Does that mean she's highest ranking after Yami? Anyway, she's really funny and nice! Just stop that romance thing with Yuno, it's unnecessary. 7/10

Yami: he's so annoying. I don't even know why. He does nothing, he sleeps all day and bosses people around, yet all Black Bulls are there kissing his ass. Needs some class on anger menagement too. 4/10

Others:

Klaus: he's my favorite character, I simply love him. After the Dungeon he was so sweet omg I can't. He's just very bad at conveying his emotions but he's definitely the best senpai. He single-handedly made my like the Golden Dawn. 10/10

Mimosa: Despite my hate for healers in these kind of settings, I really like her. Hopefully she'll be endgame with Asta. 8/10

Fuegoleon: His name is a bit too much and hard to spell he is my favorite character ever. He seemed just simply another royal jackass but he's so nice, loyal, strong, caring, he's perfect. 11/10

Leopold: after his brother and Klaus, definitely one of my faves. His brOTP with Asta is really nice too. Lowkey ship him with Noelle but I'm still figuring out whether they are relatives or not lol. 10/10

Nozel: disliked him from square one. He's entertaining to watch, but he's mean without a reason. Improved a little at the end of the attack on the royal city, since he wants to avenge Fuegoleon, but not much. 4/10

Solid/Nebra: crazy madman bitch, too full of himself for his own good and the same, but female. I don't like either of them. 2/10

Julius Novachrono: or whatever it's his name. He should take things more seriously, but he's overall nice. Too bad he's probably a traitor, I can't trust him. 7/10

William Vangeance : this one definitely is a traitor, but tries to be nice too hard. Besides, he's dressed like a clown. 4/10

Baddies:

Licht: he cares for his comrades so that's good but he doesn't care when civilians or kids are harmed or killed, which is less cool, especially since he's a self-righteous asshole. Also terribly OP. 5/10

Sally: (is that her name?). Hanje Zoe's from SnK and Franken Stein's from Soul Eater love child, but crazier? Calm down girl. Why are you so obsessed with dissecting Asta lol or poor random orphan children, which is probably worse. But she's the best out of the Eye of the Midnight Sun. 6/10

Rades: is he going to be a big deal? I surely hope not. For a change we could have a villain that is not completely bat shit crazy 3/10

That's it. I made it mainly because when I get to the end I'll look back at this and laugh at what I said, or cringe.

[ichihime]

Here’s a quick rundown of my thoughts on the Live Action. THERE ARE MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD! Consider yourself warned!

Biggest issue right off the bat is Chad’s actor wearing brownface, which is bad for very obvious reasons.

Additionally, I didn’t care for how much Chad and Orihime’s respective roles were minimised- I understand (and fully expected) there to be some cutting corners when it came to characterisation, but for a movie that’s supposedly meant to be the first in a trilogy, it seemed unnecessary.

Even Urahara (who is a character I really dislike!) got shafted in terms of screen time, and he’s an important player in the early events of the series.

Didn’t care for some of the casting either; Yuzu and Karin are obvious, but again I have to bring up Chad. His performance was fine, but is it that hard to hire a naturally dark-skinned actor to play his role? Especially so when the character himself is heavily centered around his pride in his mixed heritage and the color of his skin?

Ichigo & Rukia had hilarious interactions on screen- made me very nostalgic for the early chapters of Bleach. The training montages were a fun new addition that felt true to the characters.

Comedic timing in a lot of the scenes felt really natural and played out well. Uryu and Ichigo’s first interaction in the classroom was funny, as well as Keigo joking about Ichigo dying any chance he gets.

I really liked the sets they used in some of the scenes. Urahara’s shop was cool, and the nods to Ichigo’s character song with his Bad Religion posters (albeit a bit too heavy-handed... I’m sure he likes more than just the one band lmao) were a nice detail.

Ichigo getting a little bashful when Orihime greets him in the park (and frustrated when she misunderstands his relationship with Rukia) was cute. I do like how moments like these made it into the film, but combined with cutting out great amount of her characterisation, it leaves me concerned about her being relegated to nothing more than a “love interest” in potential future films. Canon Orihime, despite being at the receiving end of some bad writing and missed opportunities on Kubo’s part, is still much more nuanced than a mere “love interest” to Ichigo... -but that’s a post for another day.

The music was very fitting of early Bleach and I liked it quite a bit. I only wish there was more of an original score, or they added more bg music in general. Too many scenes felt stagnant because of a general lack of bg music.

I was pleasantly surprised by how well the CGI for the Hollows was done. Loved how the designs were translated into their onscreen counterparts.

Costuming was pretty hit or miss for me. I liked the plain clothes and the school uniforms were fine, but the shihakushos looked a bit cheap to me.

Renji was a bit overplayed to be a villain character compared to his manga counterpart in my opinion. Didn’t much care for it. I also didn’t care for how they changed it so that Rukia AND Renji were adopted into the Kuchiki house? That he’s angry at Rukia for “squandering her upbringing as an elite Shinigami”. It felt like a bizarre and unnecessary change to Renji’s character when Renji’s anger and complex feelings towards Rukia (and his initial entrance as a “villain” to Ichigo) felt much more nuanced and interesting.

And then I had my suspicions when the movie was first being billed that Grand Fisher would be the “final fight” of the film, but I was not a fan of how Uryu stepped in to assist in the fight since I felt it really robbed Ichigo of the personal narrative stakes that he had in the manga. It made for a cool action sequence, don’t get me wrong, but as a battle that was so largely personal and one of the defining moments of the series, it definitely felt like a disservice to his narrative which is so deeply rooted in his relationship to his mother and his survivors guilt and how that shaped his personality.

Maybe I’m just biased because I have the knowledge that later on Renji and Uryu develop a great rapport and make a kickass tag team in the HM arc, but Renji just walking up and stabbing Uryu from behind was so.... disgustingly out of character. I realise he was gunning for Ichigo’s defeat early on in canon and even tried to kill him himself (on top of badly injuring Uryu in their initial confrontation), but even Renji’s earlier iteration where he was a villain directly opposing Ichigo & Rukia, he still had some honor and integrity as a fighter.

Maybe I’m being nitpicky, but there was so little blood. Without seeing the injuries, it made the stakes in battle seem that much lower for me, idk.

Byakuya Kuchiki you’re rich so I think you can afford to get a manicure or clip your goddamn fingernails. God his styling sucked.

The choice to parallel Masaki and Rukia as mother figures to Ichigo in the way that they protected him (basing this off canon comparisons, as well as verbatim from Hana Sugisaki stating Rukia’s relationship to Ichigo to be something similar to motherhood and mentoring) was one that I felt fit very well for the story they were trying to tell in this film.

Final note, I wasn’t emotionally moved by any of this film. The goodbye between Ichigo and Rukia was heartfelt, and I think Hana Sugisaki played it really well, but damn I didn’t get misty eyed or anything and I’m usually a huge crybaby.

TL;DR Pretty much what I expected from a Live Action adaption, changes I felt were unnecessary especially where characterisations were concerned. I knew going in that Orihime and Chad would be done a disservice, but I felt characters like Uryu, Byakuya, and Ichigo to an extent were as well- and worst of all, Renji’s depiction was needlessly malicious, missing the nuance and misunderstood motives behind his actions in the manga. The only characterisation I felt was strong and solid throughout was Rukia’s. 

Despite this, there were some funny moments that made me nostalgic for early Bleach. In general though, it isn’t a film I’d probably watch again because I personally felt the negatives outweighed the positives. Again though, these are just my opinions! Please don’t let this affect your potential enjoyment of the film (except the brownface is definitely a deal-breaker; everyone should be pissed about that).

[desperatelyreviewingdennis]

Endgame

By basically any metric, Endgame was strictly inferior to Infinity War. It was a solid conclusion to he MCU, they wrapped things up nicely. But they really didn't meet the bar they set in the last movie. Visually, sound design, effects, all the technical aspects they nailed.  As always.  But the *story*?  The plot, the meat and bones of it?  Abysmal.  

I don’t remember *exactly* how I felt leaving Infinity War.  I know I did not like it as much as most, I felt they rushed too much into the one story, and they would have been better off with a trilogy [Guardians of the Galaxy 3 followed by Infinity War and Endgame].  I disliked Thor’s sequence in the film in particular, and thought the Snap was poorly handled because it was obviously going to be undone in the next movie so there was no emotional punch [although Peter Parker sure tried, even knowing he’s not really dead that scene stings].  Despite the flaws, though, I felt the movie was largely solid.  The writers crammed too much into one film, but most narrative threads were fully realized and the ones that weren’t have a whole nother movie to wrap up.  Upon a couple rewatches, my opinion has grown.  The tightness of it all is much more apparent, and Thor’s sequence is now my favorite in the movie, despite basically being a retread of his arc in Ragnarok. 

So maybe once I will reevaluate this once its on DVD.  But I suspect my opinion isn’t going to change.  The issues are more fundamental, and there’s no sequel planned to fix the problems.  Honestly, I wonder how much of the writing team carried over, because this movie doesn’t feel like it was the planned sequel to Infinity War.

Also, it seems clear that there was some executive meddling in places that would suggest the problems of Ms Marvel are going to carry forward.

I don’t want to say its a bad movie.  Ms Marvel was a bad movie.  Iron Man 2 was a bad movie.  For the first two thirds of the movie, it had its issues but nothing irredeemable.  And the stuff it did right it did really really right.  The last act, though, really dragged the whole thing down.

Spoilers abound after the break.

First of all, I never watched so much as a trailer for this movie. I wanted to go in completely free from assumptions. I'm glad I did, but I don't know what other people took from different scenes with that additional context.

Movie opens with Hawkeye's family getting dusted. I hate Hawkeye so that was immensely satisfying.

Next scene less so. Why did Tony and Nebula get on the damaged ship? What was their end game (no pun intended)? Not a huge deal but right off the bat I'm questioning character motives. Not a good sign.

Oh, it's because if they're on a ship it's easier for Ms Marvel to save the day. How did she find them? Was she specifically looking for Stark? Why? Nobody on Earth knew what happened with him. Was there a distress signal? Can she sense those now? Nobody knows, and we're not going to find out. The only thing we learn about Ms Marvel is that she didn't help out during the previous movies because she was busy on other planets. I mean, come on. 

The sequence between Stark and Rogers back on Earth was spot on and I loved it.  This will be a recurring theme, specific scenes being perfect with the surrounding material being crud.

They then kill Thanos and we time skip five years. That was actually pretty cool, and an unexpected turn of events.  Take notes, Rian Johnson.  My expectations were subverted but it didn't make me want to murder the Russo's. It does sort of abandon the child Gamora scenes from Infinity War.  Everybody thought that was supposed to be her actual soul in the soul stone, but the Soul Stone is now destroyed so maybe it was just Thanos being crazy?  Maybe it’ll come up later in the movie [Ron Howard: It won’t.]

Commence exposition. Couple thoughts. One, I hated Bruce Banner. The Hulk was a separate, unique personality. Banner killed him, and took over his body. We can debate the morality of it, but I just found it unsatisfying. It all happened off camera, and they never really explain why The Hulk refused to fight in Infinity War. I assumed it was because he was afraid, the Russo's claim it was because he was tired of being Banner's  lap dog. Either way, that character was killed unceremoniously during a time skip and never mentioned again.

Two, Banner’s pretty confident in how Time Travel is going to work.  Time Travel has never been a thing except with Dr Strange, and the two never sat down to discuss the subject before the later was turned to dust.   So where is his confidence coming from?  Their entire plan hinges on him being correct.  What really bugs me about this is that, with about thirty seconds of actual discussion [rather than the comic relief listing time travel movies and Banner shutting them down], they could have reached the same conclusion.  “Why don’t we prevent the snap from happening in the first place?” “Because that would be a paradox, and we don’t know how time responds to paradoxes.  Maybe we all live happily ever after, maybe time itself implodes.  But if we undo the snap in the present, we know exactly what will happen.”   But instead he just knows.  And, oh, also he’s wrong.  We figure that out later in the movie, but never really address it.  

Tony with his daughter was perfect and I loved it.  It was a little unsatisfying that he just sort of tinkered with time travel for an afternoon and figured everything out, but that’s sort of his thing so it works.

Thor... less perfect.  Look, this is the third movie in a row now that is about Thor losing everything then regaining his power.  They did it in Ragnarok.  They did it better in Infinity War.  Do they really need to do it again in End Game?  In fact, it occurs to me just now as I’m writing this that was the plot to the first Thor as well.  So this is four times now that we’ve been in this exact situation.  I’m just done with it, you know?  The scenes were funny enough, and I certainly understand *why* the character is in that place, emotionally, but being understandable is no excuse for retreading old ground.

So now we’re time traveling.  This was like 90% great, but the 10% really drags the whole thing down. 

We’ll start with the Power Stone.  Having Nebula reconnect to the interstellar wifi was inspired.  Obviously they need Thanos to figure out the plan and move to stop it, otherwise there’s no climax.  Obviously there’s no present day Thanos to do that, so it has to be past Thanos.  This also wraps up one of the nagging threads from the first movie.  Thanos has been hunting for these things for years, then just stumbles upon all of them in a couple months?  It seemed a little convenient, but now they’ve shown that he had inspiration from the future telling him exactly where he could find them all.  Just wow.  Then having past Nebula take present Nebula’s place?  I loved it.

Next, time stone.  Remember my annoyance with Banner’s overconfidence earlier?  Here Banner being told he’s full of shit, but they just sort of ignore it.  Its not that you can’t change the past, its that when you change the past you create an alternate reality, and that alternate reality might be super shitty so you shouldn’t do it.  But they hand wave it away with a promise to return the stones back to where they belong on the timeline, so that the timeline doesn’t “branch” and Banner ends up technically correct.  So it works, I’ll put this in the 90% great category.

But here’s the 10% shit: how did The Sorcerous Supreme know how great Dr. Strange was going to be? She can’t see past her own death, but she knows how powerful Strange becomes after she dies?  But she doesn’t know about the Snap, so they’re definitely sticking to the original rules, this isn’t a retcon.  But Strange is dead, so how does he know everything works out?  In fact, not only is Strange dead, the time stone is dead too.  He used the time stone to go further into the future than the time stone itself exists.  This would have been a perfect opportunity to close some loose threads, but they missed them.

Also the scene after they arrive in New York where Banner half heartedly destroys some stuff was pretty cringe.  I think they were playing it as a joke, and people in the audience definitely laughed, but it really drove home the earlier point about how they killed off The Hulk and replaced him with a Green Bruce Banner.  

Next up: Space and Mind Stones.  Talk about important McGuffins.  Studying the Tesseract lead to the creation of SHIELD and Hydra and Captain America and eventually Ms Marvel.  Studying Captain America lead to the creation of The Hulk.  The Mind Stone created Vision, Quicksilver, and the Scarlett Witch. Important stuff here.

But anyhow, 90% good.  Everything was great right up until the end.  The plan, the banter, everything worked for me.  I even loved the bit about “America’s Ass.”  I do wonder if that wasn’t a response to criticisms of Brie Larson’s ass in Ms Marvel?  Or just commentary on comics drawing attention to asses in general?  I’m not sure but I liked it.

10% shit: the plan goes sideways at the last minute, and Loki escapes with the Tesseract.  Ok, now, its been a while since I watched the first Avengers movie, but I don’t remember Loki escaping with the Tesseract?  Isn’t that exactly what Banner said can’t happen, and the Sorcerous Supreme made Banner promise he wouldn’t let happen?  A branch in he timeline?  That’s a pretty goddamn significant change in history.  But whatever, we’re never going to comment on it.  A rogue infinity stone, in the hands of a crazy person, NBD.

So Stark and Rogers go further into the past to steal the Tesseract from SHIELD before Loki could steal it from Rogers stealing it from Hydra stealing it from the Avengers.  No complaints here, Some nice foreshadowing for Rogers, and Stark gets closure with his father.  It was great.

Finally, Soul Stone.  Look, I have always hated Hawkeye, since the first Thor, and love Black Widow so that’s all I have to say about that.  Except that Nat doesn’t get the sort of closure Stark and Rogers do.  Can’t really blame the writers on this one, they didn’t have a lot to work with, but its still disappointing.  At least it wasn’t a pointless death and her and Barton got some time together. 

Finally: the Ether/Reality Stone.  This was just an extension of the previous “we’ve covered this already why is this here?” issue around Thor.  Him getting Mjolnir was pretty tight, though, not gonna lie.  

So now we’re back in the present, we have all the Stones and past Nebula has infiltrated the group.  First of all: this would have been a great place for an Intermission.  Like, seriously, There are literally no dangling story lines, everything’s come back together to one location, and you’ve got a couple minutes of downtime before the action starts anyhow.  Just give people ten minutes to piss, please.

First of all, how did Past Nebula bring an entire fucking battle ship into the present?  Like, they had just enough Pym Particles to get their team back once.  Sure, they picked up some extras but she couldn’t have been expecting that, and the memories she got from Present Nebula should have made that clear.  So what was her end game (no pun intended)?  And if they could send a ship full of people all at once, why didn’t the Avengers do that?  Take the entire team back at once, leaving themselves with eight more doses if they fail.  

Moving on, the scene were they use the stone worked for me, given what they’ve done so far.  Specifically, with respect to the Hulk.  But bear with me here: what if they hadn’t fucked up the Hulk?  Imagine a movie where Banner doesn’t kill a character off camera.  He’s just a regular guy the entire movie.  Maybe they ask him if he still has issues with Hulking out and he says “no, I guess he got tired of cleaning up my messes so now he refuses to come out even when I need him to.”  Then, as Thor is about to don the glove, Banner transforms and everybody is certain he’s about to ruin everything when he puts the glove on himself and snaps his fingers.  After, his body is still green but its Bruce talking.  He doesn’t sense the Hulk inside him anymore.  He sacrificed himself because he knew he could do it and Thor couldn’t.

Just a thought.  As I said, the scene works as it is.

We establish the plan works, then suddenly THANOS.  Opportunity #2 for an intermission.  They launch the barrage of missiles, then fade to black, see you in ten minutes.  Would have been epic.

So we get a nice, super satisfying scene with the three original Avengers fighting Thanos.  Thor is fucking dual wielding, yes please.  And the scene where Steve catches Mjolnir?  I was literally hard.  But Thanos is even more powerful than he was in Infinity War.  Remember Infinity War, that movie a YEAR OLD written and directed by THE SAME PEOPLE?  In that one, Stark went toe to toe with Thanos in control of the Infinity Stones and held his own.  In this one, Thanos has no problem taking down a dual wielding Thor, and literally destroys Cap’s Shield without even the use of the Power Stone.  Its just... blah.  

Now, when things are at their worse: MAGIC.  Literally, Dr Strange uses magic to save the day.  Its not a complaint, its just what happens.  Again, SUPER satisfying.  But lots of things stick out.  One, half the Wakandan army just woke up from being dusted.  As far as they’re concerned its been like half an hour since Infinity War, but they’re all in pretty good shape.  Even if you assume the Wakandan army was made up of survivors, they sure mobilized quickly.  That’s impressive.  Two, where did Valkyrie get a fucking Pegasus?  They’re all dead, remember?  Hela killed them thousands of years ago, it was kind of a big deal.  Yeah, neat scene, loved seeing it, but it doesn't belong.  Third, Pepper Potts shows up.  She abandoned her five year old child to fight alongside Tony.  I get there’s an end of the world argument to be made, but it still doesn’t seem in character.  Both for her to do it, and for Tony to not call her out for it.

Still, nice satisfying fight scene.  Things still kind of go south, though, they just can’t seem to beat Thanos’s army.  Wouldn’t it be convenient if a flying god were to show up for no reason and destroy the battleship causing all the trouble?  That would be convenient, but they’re better writers than that. [Ron Howard: they were not]

To add insult to injury, they literally divide the heroes by sex and have a scene where all the women are together launching an attack.  It wasn’t even like a natural progression of the battle, where the women are thrown together.  Just the one shot of all them showing up for no reason.  

There was no corresponding scene with the male heroes.  

But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence and they weren’t pandering for woke points.

At one point Thanos grabs the Power Stone with his bare hands and uses it to blast somebody [I think Ms Marvel but I don’t remember].  He doesn’t appear to suffer any ill affects, 

Finally, Tony Stark’s big moment.  People were literally weeping in the theater.  I loved it so much.  It was honestly perfect.  Killing everybody wasn’t what I expected, I thought they’d be sent back to the past to preserve the timeline or whatever, but this way it mirrored the end of Infinity War so thematically this works better.

Everything after that was basically shit.

First of all, this movie suffers from a serious case of Return of the King Syndrome.  There was like half an hour of movie left after Thanos died the second time.  Christ.

Past Gamora might or might not still be alive in the present?  She kicks Star Lord in the nuts then kind of vanishes.  There’s no reason to assume Tony’s snap wouldn’t have killed her along with the rest of the past army, but they also didn’t resurrect Present Gamora so she probably survived for Guardians 3. Starlord is using the computer to search for her at the end, but Thor keeps trying to stop him because I guess he’s a prick now?

Also Thor retires.  Just quits.  Names Valkyrie Queen of the Asgardians.  That’s the conclusion of his story.  He just goes off to find himself, gonna spend some time with the Guardians of the Galaxy see where life takes him. Because that’s satisfying.

They still have to return the infinity stones, along with Mjolnir.  Rogers gets to do the honors, and he makes it pretty clear to everybody that he’s saying his goodbyes.  Somehow, nobody notices, and everybody’s super surprised when he doesn’t come back after.  Apparently, he choses to return to the 40s and live out his life with Peggy.  I liked this, it was a satisfying conclusion to his story.  He found a way back to the love of his life.  Nice.

Here’s what’s not nice.  Bucky and Falcon see old Steve sitting near by.  Bucky, Steve’s childhood friend who owes his life to the fact Steve never stopped believing in him, sends Falcon over to talk to him.  Because...I don’t fucking know.  Why didn’t they both just go talk to him?  Why didn’t they call over Bruce, who was standing right there trying to figure out what went wrong?  No, its Falcon’s time.

But more importantly: HOW IS STEVE THERE?  You can’t change the past.  Bruce tells us that.  The Sorcerous Supreme shows us that changes in the past create alternate timelines leaving the original in tact.  They pulled Thanos into the present and killed him before he could collect the Infinity Stones, but the snap still happened.  Present Nebula shot Past Nebula in the heart but didn’t wink out of existence. 

But somehow, when Steve goes into the past, he doesn’t create an alternate timeline where Captain America survives the war. He just inserted himself into the prime timeline, and waited until he had a chance to say hi to his old friend Falcon.

Oh, also he had a second Shield made at some point? 

Look, I liked Steve’s story.  I liked that they passed on the title to Falcon, a nice nod to the source material.  I’m thrilled that Peggy got the dance he promised her all those years ago.  But that scene ruined the core premise behind the entire movie.  Time Travel stories are hard, but if you agree on how they work and stick to those rules its fine.  This movie did neither.

Also: how did Steve return the Soul Stone? How shocked was he to discover the stone was guarded by Red Skull?  Did he just drop it off the cliff and hope the ancient magic would handle the rest? Will Thanos still have to sacrifice Gamora or does Nat’s sacrifice still count?

There’s other issues.  Ms Marvel and Wanda both just sort of vanish.  Wanda especially should have gotten more story, but they just gave her one angry woman scene then she was forgotten about.  They sort of gloss over the massive issues they’d have faced with half the population dead.  They show one overgrown neighborhood, but by and large everything seems to be exactly the same as it was pre-snap.  Just with everybody sadder.  We never see Rocket meet a racoon.  Hawkeye was in the movie.  Nothing really huge.

So that’s all I have to say about that.  Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[reimahowaido]

I did a list thingy, because I love so many Spyro Reignited redesigns and I Can’t Help loving them xD Can’t stop won’t stop. So while my head still tries to work and function to get over its low state and start to actually grip on the actual things, I’m just doodling whatever I can honestly just to stay alive or something

So here’s the thing, I grabbed 16 of my favourite dragons, already drew 2 of them, one is finished and one only lacks shading, and am probably gonna doodle the other 14 as well just because I looooove them so much <3 Buuuut, well, as you know, narrowing a list of 70+ dragons to only so many isn’t easy. Heck, look, I failed to make it a top 10 or even 15 so here we are. I had almost 30 dragons in the end that I put in order. The first 7 were preeetty easy, a couple fought over and around places, but the’re pretty solid. After that, I knew who I wanted in there but just didn’t know which order would be the best for them, so they’re kinda sorta a mix and match messy pile here and there xD Oops. But ya’ll wanna hear some thoughts on your favourite dragons, right? And the fact that I might have just barely missed on having them on the list, like, there’s so many good ones, even more than I got here, but hey, at least there’s some honorable mentions I can give a word on here :2 Alphabetical order because yeet

Alban - Let's have a small bit from my childhood. I dunno if it was like a rumor that someone told me or that I made up myself, but as a kid I was all like, this dude, this is Spyro's dad. I thiiiiiiiink it was because someone told me that he's the only other purple dragon in the game, so he Has To Be Spyro's dad. Dunno, just a fun little thing xD But I do like his design, he looks kinda aquatic and I like his voice and attitude "Oh yeah, they ain't going to be a problem to Me" Dude, you got caught, think again or are you writing some edition of the story where you're the hero~? (Or are you just acting because you don't want to seem like the lesser person when your son saves you? HMmmmmm Ok ok enough of that xD )

Bubba - Now here's a character xD He's a funny dude, very excited to say the least. Funky, I like him

Claude - I like this dude, his voice is greatttt and just, I remember the "and it really Stings" bit like so freaking well and I love his expression during it. Also that staff thing he does at the end that I can't describe with words, he's just, like partly so done and has to think things over

Copano - Holy shiiiiiiiiiiit he's so cute and jittery as heck xD Too much caffeine for you buddy! But oh my god he's so freaking cute and soft looking you can't deny he's adorable!

Gavin -To be honest, he kinda Was on the list for a while x2 Just because, his design is dang nice, I love the tattoo stuff and I love the aesthetic of barista peeps, like, just, this nice and calm feeling, place where you can just chill, drink something nice and warm and just chill. His personality is funky too, but I decided to split the list at 16 and I just really want to draw number 16 so I'm sorry Gavinnnn

Lucas - Mister map wing~ I love his design, the globe between his horns, all the spinning stuff, his colors, his animation, voice is also nice. He's just. Nice all around. Though I think it's the Charizard like look and praise that lowers his score for me xD Oh shoot am I being a hipster? Marco is cool and all but mmmm..... I dunno, I like him (and I like Charizard, used to at least, childhood favourite) but I just feel I like the others a bit more than him, but he's definitely a well done character here

Magnus - Full of personality! Goddamn. His animation is top tier, voice might not b my favourite but goshdarn it he's just full of character~

Marco - Mostly because sleek designs, I love me some sleek designs, tall lanky goodie. But his voice isn't a favourite of mine and while the fact he has artificial wings is cool, just didn't make it on the list

Maximos - Honestly he reminds me of a mix of a pitbull and bullterrier, and just, something about him, he looks freaking cute. I like his voice and animation too. Who doesn't like some good tasty tasty well spiced food~? He's a good boy

Ragnar - Nice design, fitting voice, the smoke is a nice effect but all in all he's a bit bland in a way. Like the leaving animation is.... Nonexistent, he just stands there kinda? Mmmmmmm but hey, at least he looks nice?

Useni - This design, goddddddddd, he's so nice and kind and just, good energy man. Yes. Yessssssss~ And the bunny slippers xD He's just, very soft and good I cry

[rerwby]

Volume 5 OST

I don’t normally have such verbose opinions on the RVVBY music (it’s like writing a review for fiberglass insulation) I managed to sit down and listen to this album the whole way through. My feelings on these tracks feels like a culmination of all my feelings of previous RVVBY music. I won’t try to be lengthy about this but I got some solid thoughts.

First of all, can we just collectively agree to stop making every fucking RVVBY song put on Youtube use fan art? Like can we just get a solid fucking static picture of the volume cover art maybe? I’m sick of the mediocre ship art used for goddamn everything and it looks incredibly unprofessional. Also since these are RT fans you know they don’t give a flying fuck about credit.

The Triumph Not to kick this off on such an upbeat note but this is one of my favorite OP’s. Maybe my favorite. Maybe. I could not fully appreciate this song when the episodes were coming out because the opening itself was the biggest trashfire to come out of this show. Like, sorry I can’t get hyped up on 10 seconds of Ruby and Ren and Jaune sitting on a couch. Listening to it alone though? Big improvement.

Jeff Williams does this thing where he’s clearly way too proud of his proud choice and rhymes, and usually lines end with a big focus on stupid vernacular. Trust me, this will come up later. The Triumph manages to avoid that. This Will be the Day does as well because it’s a pretty hammy song with a better, more consistent tone. “Back to reality, back to the show” is an awful, terrible, horribly ironic line in the context of Volume 5, but it’s not as in your face as it could be, so it gets a pass from me. I also think “That’s when you learned you were messing with gods” is awesome, sorry. It could be more awesome if these characters like, seemed more like gods? And they don’t? So eh.

Then the second verse happens and it calls back to the first with “Yeah I’m a girl but I’m also a god” and I’m like, oh, so you’re just gonna- oh, okay then. Yeah let’s just beat the one good part like a dead horse, sure. That really ruins the song for me ngl.

It also manages to avoid the formulaic trend of post-second verse slow sappy breakdown. Time to Say Goodbye and Let’s Just Live do that and it gets old after a while. If you’re gonna give me hype music then stick with it. Not that Let’s Just Live really hypes you up.

Overall it’s like a 7/10 for me because it has a good pace and it doesn’t scream “look at how clever I am!” at every turn.

Ignite The song I was most excited for and the most disappointed by. I wrote about it here and I’ll try not to do anything more than summarize what I said there.

It’s obnoxious and the lyrics are way too dumb. Not funny dumb, not hammy dumb, nope, just dumb. It’s not even in the style of Yang’s usual dumbness, which by all accounts should now be under Armed and Ready’s foot since that is now the prime Yang theme. The major problem is how obvious these issues are. Like you can’t not hear how bad the writing is.

Then Lamar comes in, and I usually enjoy him since, like I said above, he brings with him some hammy, corny lyrics that manage to be fun. But he’s phoning it in here. He’s mumbling and tripping over his own words. God I didn’t even understand what mumbling truly sounded like until I heard that verse.

4/10 and I hate to write that on a Yang theme but this song is everything wrong with these soundtracks.

Path to Isolation Which brings us to my favorite annual game of “Count How Many Times a Weiss Song Uses the Word ‘Mirror.’” Spoilers: it’s a handful.

It’s fine. Weiss songs have always been fine. The worst thing I can say about them is that you have to dredge through their slow-ass, repetitive openings to get to the good part. 5/10

All Things Must Die aka “Slow And Brooding Villain Song That Turns Into a Rock Anthem #5″ aka “Sacrifice And Divide Did It Better But Even They Were Only So Good” aka “We’re Not Even Going For A Subtle Title Here.”

I don’t even know whose perspective this is sung from anymore. Like Cinder is our designated villain song candidate but she has like no autonomy this volume so that falls flat, meanwhile Salem still has no clear motivation. Hazel and Adam might be the most developed(?) bad guys this volume but this song has nothing to do with them. 4/10

This Time (From Shadows Part II) I’m writing about this one before Smile for a reason.

A song called From Shadows Part II deserves better, lol. Also given the fan art uses on the version I found posted, this is a Blake+Sun song? I don’t know. It starts with the beautiful piano solo from the original which was godlike and relaxing and also dramatic.

Lyrics are just shitty but in a shocking twist they’re hard to hear other than THIS TIIIIME in the chorus which...I’m fine with. I’m legit convinced that the fewer lyrics you can make out in these songs, the better. This all sounds rather nice and has a good flow to it. Don’t get me wrong, it’s kinda just trash. Absolute filler. Fluff. Churned-out melodrama to keep the White Fang kindle going.

Also I guess in hindsight it’s weird to have Jeff singing here since this song is supposed to represent Blake moving on with new resolve. Like before it was clearly Blake and Adam singing, but now it’s Blake and...Sun? Adam again? Like some non-canon reformed Adam? Idk. At least it’s tonally a good contrast to Part I. It’s easy to listen to the song without focusing on the lyrics which is rather soothing, but it’s still nonsense. 5/10

Smile (From Shadows Part 0)

No yeah I made that part up, but I think this song is a better From Shadows Part 0 than This Time is a Part II. I’m dead serious. They gave us an Ilia song and made it more interesting than her character is in volume 5, if not extremely on the nose.

Because my god, it’s on the nose. It’s just Ilia’s backstory about blending in to avoid all the pain your oppressors brought you and biding your time until you can rip the smiles off their faces...oh I don’t think that’s how Ilia’s backstory went. This is much darker. Very Count of Monte Crisco and dare I say actually interesting. It makes Ilia sound way more compelling than Blake while also making her out as a foil to her. Except I don’t know why the fucking hell the character presented in Smile would ever join the White Fang, especially under Adam’s authority, and then follow him so blindly. But I guess as of last volume’s OST we should be use to that disconnect between show plot and music lore.

7/10 for being accidentally interesting.

All That Matters

It’s....fine? Fine-ish. Obligatory slow and sappy song because ofc. Casey at least sounds like she’s in her comfort zone. It just doesn’t mean much to me.I guess it’s the theme of the girls being back together but I have my own issues with that, which is mainly that three of them were already reunited halfway into Volume 5 and it was only Blake’s arrival that really pushed them into sappy territory.

5/10 it’s not bombastically terrible enough to merit a lower score and not interesting enough to be higher.

I’m Her Daughter After All - RVVBY Volume 5 Official Score

I don’t know why this song is here because it’s an actual non-lyrical official part of the soundtrack, which is mind-blowing. You’d think Jeff was contractually obligated to have his blood’s voices dip their toes in every track.

It’s a nice medley of Yang’s themes, namely I Burn and Armed and Ready. It also makes you appreciate how Yang’s musical themes have actually evolved, unlike those of the other characters. Why do we have this Western thing going on? Qrow had it too in Bad Luck Charm. I don’t mind it since I think it’s kinda neat, but 6/10 for being a random score track.

Mayday! Lancers! - RVVBY Volume 5 Official Sc- wait

They did the score thing again. I don’t know why. I also forgot the Lancer scene actually happened in Volume 5 until I heard this. Like, Weiss did so little in Volume 4 that I’m attributing stuff that happened in V5 to last volume.

It’s fine? It’s nice to have a non-lyrical Weiss song, actually. 5/10

Armed and Ready ie The Appeal Of The Original Was Lost On Us

This song did not need a remix lol. Armed and Ready is actually damn good, is a great proper evolution of Yang’s theme that successfully moves her out of the shadow of I Burn, and was a really, really good climax to her recovery arc. This turns it into a dance remix, which ironically is the exact sort of thing the original moved her character away from. 4/10

Gold (Acoustic)

As I listened to this I realized it wasn’t just the original vocals played over an acoustic cover; Casey actually re-recorded the song. That’s blowing it out of the park for a RVVBY remix. Also it’s like, good.

I always liked Gold for whatever reason. I just thought it was uplifting and it did the nice thing where the lyrics are simple and flow well. The loud instrumentals had me unsure if it made for a good complement to the lyrics or if it was just a bad choice. This just sounds wonderful. Most importantly, it makes you really appreciate Casey’s singing talent. More than anything, she sounds absolutely comfortable singing this song. No stressed notes, no weird word choices, no ham. This is just a nice song and it’s my favorite on this album. 8/10

Let’s Just Live (Remix) “The Obligatory OP Remix Oh God Triumph Is Gonna Get This Treatment Next Year

It doesn’t go above my expectations but I like the new instrumentals. Reminds me of Stickerbrush Symphony. I think it’s much more fitting than in the original and is a true improvement on it. 6/10

The final issue I have with this album is this, and it involves some statistics. This is a 12-song album. That isn’t strange. But here are some numbers for you:

Ruby Songs: 0 Weiss Songs: 2 Blake Songs: 1 (2 if you count Smile) Yang Songs: 4 Remixes: 3 Scores(?): 2

Just to put that in front of you. Remixes comprise 1/4th of the album, glorified scores are 1/6th, and Yang received 4 whole slots (one-third of the album!) while Ruby, the protagonist, got absolutely none. Nothing in this album is about just Ruby, and I think she kind of deserves that. I mean she did nothing this volume so whatever, but we didn’t even get Glorious Score Track Of Jaune Healing Weiss so that’s super strange. They didn’t even shaft her in lieu of anyone, she was just left out.

[krshush]

2, 4, 9, 12, and 18 for merit!

thank ya!!! 

2. Did you design them with any other characters/OCs from their universe in mind? 

Not really, no. When I first made him two years back, I had plenty of original concepts, but none that would have accounted for him, for the inspirations that made him (by which I mean my first tastings of D&D, and finding a homebrew for half-dryads that sparked off the idea of him) 

But in the same way, Delta’s Campaign did not exist for me to place Merit into, and account for other characters within it! (Or at least it didn’t exist for me until that later spring, but Delta himself had concepts for a campaign for some time before he finally asked for players out of his friends, if I recall right...) 

TL;DR I couldn’t really account for other players, their characters, or NPCs, especially because I wasn’t even sure I could play Merit anywhere, and he didn’t fit into the other worlds I had floating round my mind at the time. 

4. In developing their backstory, what elements of the world they live in played the most influential parts? 

Fae. I mention it a lot, but my god, the fae and considering someone raised by fae was one of the whole sparks to make Merit. All the faerie rules of Hospitality, of Words & Bonds, of Debt and of Honor, and being wistful for the mortal realm the same way we humans are wistful for fairy tales. 

Family also played a very big part, being essentially the only foundation Merit had that he could (or rather, was raised) to trust wholeheartedly (even if that heartedness fell as he grew up) With this, the sense of loneliness and the feeling of being out-of-place that permeates in a person not wholly fae nor human, despite their never really being alone, and its consequences. 

And then, of course, the consequences of control and power and Deals that comes with Merit’s backstory with his patron Lord Kilan, which was brought upon by still spoilery parts of Merit’s backstory... 

9. Are they based off of you, in some way? 

Noooot really. He’s more like a compression of my favorite fictional tropes/things, including but not limited to: pretty/androgynous looking boy, faerie, really charismatic flirt, secret/conflicted heart of gold...

The one solid thing I know/realized he took from my own life experience is the sheltered upbringing. My homeschooled-all-life childhood was not near as potentially dangerous or outdoorsy as Merit’s life living among his mother’s fae forest, but that outsider-looking-in feeling and relying heavily on family bc it’s literally all you have is... very definitely from me. 

12. What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)? 

The flowers that should be in his goddamn hair, but aren’t because 1) I’m lazy 2) I don’t want to put DM and Artist Delta through that each time he’s gotta (re)draw Merit 3) I still haven’t made a proper list of the flowers that do grow in Merit’s hair. 

There’s also the matter that I adore the just far too deep lore* I put into Lord Kilan and Merit, but I have trouble articulating into fiction AND it’s major spoilers, so I can’t post the fic I do get done involving them. 

*I know it’s poor form to put more lore into backstory than your character knows, I don’t condone doing it, but also it was the only thing to tide me over from pouring too much into Merit’s Dad Quest over the summer before we started playing, and Delta let me do so, so... I know a lot more abt Kilan and his Courtiers than Merit does... and I suffer under the weight of that... but even then, it all gave Delta more wiggle room in regards to what Kilan can do, so who really won there, bc it super wasn’t me 

18. What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC? 

I mean we can talk abt how on Halloween I realized Merit would wear sexy Halloween outfits. Or we can talk abt how I didn’t so much discover as much as realize once again that Merit’s duality of competent and moronic is funny and facepalm-inducing both. 

Yeah, no, I don’t have anything super recent and really serious I’ve discovered recently per se, beyond like... less discovering things and more reaffirming them in-game, like his willingness to put himself at risk of imprisonment and/or harm before his friends, or that he has acrobatic skills (just last session he did some sick tumble rolls while in manacles, and I’d be proud of him of using that Proficiency finally and rolling high on it if only those tumbles weren’t what I decided he was doing because he failed on a stealth roll) 

[dawnofspeed]

so i went and saw ‘justice league’ with my li’l bro and bestie tonight.

spoilers ahead.

i want to preface my entire thing with saying that lately i’ve felt conflicted about joss wheedon’s work (and even unrelated with the deadpool 2 movie) because of joss’ whole ‘i’m a feminist but the reason i’ve been horrible to women is the patriarchy’ (and with deadpool 2 the whole... forcing a stunt person to do a stunt they weren’t ready for and got them killed).  But also as a filmmaker i know that there are tons of people who work on these films that have nothing to do with those things, so i’ve decided to keep them at the back of my mind and just focus on these slightly problematic films on their own merit. (no i won’t talk about dp2 in this. it’s just been on my mind bc i saw the new trailer and spoke to my bestie, another film graduate, about the issues with stuff tonight and yeah. soz.) ALSO PLEASE NOTE THAT THE FOLLOWING ARE OPINIONS. if you like something i don’t, that’s great. all the power to you. i am literally just writing thoughts and opinions and i only just finished a film degree so... y’know. not an expert.

moving on.

i loved a lot of this movie. as a whole it was a great ensemble piece. the cast was solid, the acting was solid, the script was solid. the plot worked well. i think it accomplished setting up the justice league, introducing us to characters and their backstories while driving the story forward. i also liked that it really seemed to know its source material and kept to the actual point- superhero movies shouldn’t be completely dark. they can be fun, they can be funny, they can be hopeful. whatever problems i have with joss wheedon as a person and the things he’s said and done, i think he can write and direct well. and he knows what he’s doing. the few women in the film he also balanced well. i didn’t feel like he was ‘buffy’ing any of them (something he sorta did with kitty pryde in his astonishing x-men, as much as i loved it. although that could also be because buffy was sorta based off kitty, joss’ fave x-men character). 

i enjoyed all most of the characters. the whole justice league was great (alfred included, c’mon, he’s totally a team member at this point). i do think that diana was different in this film than her wonder woman one, there was just a different tone but you can also kinda just explain that away as this is post-steve trevor, it’s been a while since the events of ww, and that’s just what it is now. towards the end of the movie it felt more tonally in sync with her in ww, so that may be it. also bats pushing diana to lead the team? i loved that.  i’ve never known much about victor but i found his story intriguing in this, he was fun, and my reservations about him being in the flash film are totally squashed now. i maintain that batfleck is my favourite of all batmen. this movie sealed it for me and i definitely enjoy his performance more than any that came before him. i mean. i enjoyed michael keaton but he was just never totally batman for me. clark was SO much better in this movie. he was light, and funny, and 100% the superman i actually love. i didn’t want him brought back to life and then afterwards?? i was like?? nah, you’re right, clark IS a good guy. how have i never seen this before? i just hated dceu superman before this film. arthur curry is cool. i have never been a massive aquaman fan. i didn’t hate atlantis. but i just... didn’t really care? then. they made him cool, and fun, and so much potential. i’m intrigued about his backstory. i wanna know more. i wanna unpack his personality. just. wow.  but the standout? barry all the way. i was a bit anxious about how they were going to do it. i love ezra, but we’ve seen so many iterations of barry at this point that i was just really worried about what aspects they’d keep and how they’d navigate his background and his powers. but they did an amazing job. they kept his sense of humour while also maintaining his kindness, his intelligence, his zest for life and i love how even when he’s terrified he goes out of his way to do the right thing. added to his ‘i assume he’s an attractive jewish guy’ when he’s talking about his security footage. i just. love him. i do think some of his qualities are wally west?? like??? but my brother kept insisting that in the early comics barry was very playful and jokey, not just puns and dad jokes, so i’m inclined to believe him.  also alfred was a+++ i love him. alfred forever. so that clears up most of the mains. plot? well i’m gonna be honest. i know... very little about darkseid and any of that stuff in the comics. i did think it was a great way to bring in both atlantians and amazons. and that cheeky green lantern reference at the beginning. and my brother swears he saw hercules but i only know marvel’s hercules so?? i??? dunno???? i also think it had high stakes, a ticking time frame, gave them the ability to bring superman back AND create a justice league. all while never trying to cram more than one actual plotline into a film. (like. a LOT of other dc movies.) i was happy with it. i never felt like it ran too long or i got bored or any of that so i’m. yeah. great.  also loved that no one was forced into a freakin’ love interest or hampered from saving the world or anything by romance. did think that clark waited way too long to meet up with them for the end battle. like. did he spend all that time making a new goddamn suit? what? got a hair cut? like. why did it take you so long? you’re SUPERMAN. lois told you ages ago to get moving and help out. did you spend all that time like chatting with your mum? also, sidenote: thank you trailers for not spoiling this film. i didn’t expect the superman rebirth. i went in just knowing the jl was gonna kick butt somewhere and we were gonna get introduced to them all. the marketing on this film was spot on, and i loved that surprise and being pulled through the whole movie trying to guess what the hell was gonna happen. double thumbs up. ok. i will go over the things i didn’t like. which were very few. but first i kinda wanna talk about a few other cast/character things. i’m gonna be honest. not a massive fan of amy adams as lois lane. besides the fact that to me she doesn’t look like lois lane, and doesn’t embody (TO ME) anything that lois does... she also (TO ME) doesn’t have any chemistry with henry cavill. i don’t feel a thing. sometimes i might be like awwwww, cute. but that’s more of the situation rather than any emotions i get off of them. but that’s kinda nitpicky here as she was already cast as that character and no one was going to change that for the justice league. i will admit i felt more for her in this film than any of the others, and i enjoyed her more than in the others. but she was still... not lois.  now... amber heard as mera. i will admit that amber looks like mera. and i enjoyed her limited performance and i’m sure she’ll do a great job in the aquaman film and i hold nothing against her. but. if arthur curry doesn’t need to look like comic arthur curry than. why does mera? we only had three women in the whole movie, really. two had limited parts. mera could have been a woc. she could have been not supermodel gorgeous as amber is. (i love amber i do but... who looks that goddamn gorgeous?) already the entire film felt like impossible standards of women. the amazons are varied in body shapes yes, but those costumes. then mera is AMBER. and gal is. gal. i just. there are so many races on earth. asian and hispanic women (and people) exist. not that the movie... shows that... at all.  in fact, between the dceu and the mcu there’s one hispanic character on the movie screen. and he isn’t even a superhero (yeah, the friend of antman’s. and no i’m not counting netflix. that’s not a movie screen. yes rosario dawson is awesome.) heck the cw only added a hispanic woman in the last year. before that cisco was pretty much on his lonesome. wait. that might not be right. i’m sure arrow had a guest star that moved to lot... meh. i don’t keep up anymore.  all i’m saying is... if mera had been cast woc then that would have continued right on through to aquaman too.  but i have nothing against both amber and amy. they’re doing their jobs and i wish them all the best and i will try and enjoy it as much as possible.  my few criticisms:

- ... not a big fan of the costume design. i was so confused about wonder woman’s until i remembered it was probably the one from bvs which i hated. i have no idea what was happening with superman’s. batman’s was fine. flash was fine. cyborg’s was fine. loved aquaman’s (and mera’s). the amazonians? what? why???? you could tell it was a male designer. every vital organ was pretty much on show and it was all sexy, just like how wonder woman’s skirt was shortened and the front was like almost a loincloth. just. no. 

- production design was ok? like there were very few standouts to me. batcave was pretty good, the flash cave, and anything with aquaman’s fishing village. pretty sure that was filmed in new zealand tho and those guys are on point with their pd. studying their stuff over there, man. pd orgasm tbh. ever since lord of the rings those guys are just amazing.

- camera work was great at times and then just weird in others. i think that had a lot to do with cgi demands, which i’ll get to in a minute. 

- the lighting? i mean yes, each scene requires different lighting depending on the place, time of day, people and props... but. there’s this one scene in the field with clark and lois and i was like. confused because it felt like they got first year film students to light it. it was off. and if they were trying to reproduce a field at sunset in a studio with green screen that might make sense but to me it didn’t feel like a gs scene. 

- which brings me to my next point. cgi and green screen. there felt like a lot of it in the movie. pretty sure the fight after clark is revived is green screen. the entire last battle has so much cgi that i felt like it was avengers on steroids. also kinda felt like i was watching a video game with like real people pasted in. and while i get WHY it was like that i also felt like. there could have been ways to do it differently. when i watch stranger things i know there’s cgi. but i never get that feeling, that i’m watching a video game. which is important. because i want to stay sunk into the film. not be thrown out and feel like a different medium has taken over. my challenge for jl2? keep me in the film. find a way to make the sfx stay real. possibly a nitpick but like i said, this is my opinion. so that’s it. that’s my long ass dissection and feels and thoughts. i am so looking forward to every solo movie and also being introduced to iris west and atlantis more. im me or d/cord if you wanna chat about anything or if we’re not pals you can send me a q via askbox.

[purkinje-effect]

The Purkinje Effect, 15

Table of Contents

“God, Geek, you’ve got a curse with timing, you know that?” Hancock leaned hard into the back of the couch and rubbed his temples with one hand, the other on a wine bottle. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad to see ya, but it’s been chaos since the moment I sent you off on your little errand. ...Speaking of which, how did all that go? You’re certainly back faster’n I expected. Hope that doesn’t mean you’re comin’ back empty handed.”

“Besides the walk to and back, it really didn’t take much,” Galen replied quietly, sitting on the couch beside him. “I didn’t have to find them. They found me. ...Where’s your bodyguard?”

“You missed a goddamn shit show.” The colonially dressed ghoul slammed back a third of the bottle and grunted once he’d taken a breath. “Hopefully it’s all blown over finally. Fahr’s alive, if only barely. She’ll be fine.” When Galen looked on expectantly, Hancock offered the bottle, but Galen waved it off.

“I, no, that’s not it. I just. I’m worried what happened, is all. Did Goodneighbor get attacked by raiders or something?” He settled in a little better, setting his duffel on the ground under his feet.

“Before you, last time I saw a vault dweller was over a year ago. And now two have blown through here in a single week. That little shit... You know, I don’t blame him, to be fair. I feel completely accountable for everything that happened. No, y’know what? Y'want story time? I’ll tell you what happened, but first things first. I’m payin’ ya for the scoop on North End.”

Galen nodded, lips tight.

“They’re legit, the Railroad. The Institute crafts synths to use them for slaves, and the Railroad is like, well. You know your history, yeah? I’d imagine somebody wearin’ John Hancock’s getup would know a thing or two about prewar stuff. Pretty sure they call themselves that after the Underground Railroad. They’re all about smuggling escapees outta the Institute and gettin’ ‘em someplace safe. Away from the Institute, and away from the bigots who think that because synths were created to serve some supervillain empire, that the synths themselves are evil by design. Y’know, I will take y’up on that.”

He motioned for the bottle, and the mayor shared. After a solid swig, the dreg passed it back to him.

“I said they found me?” Galen kept on. “Apparently I’m not just a sore thumb stickin’ out sideways around here, I’ve got a goddamn spotlight on me. They had their eye on me since I got outta Diamond City. And... they want me to sign on with ‘em. I kinda want to. Nobody, no thing, deserves t’be enslaved. That’s a cause I can get behind. They know you sent me to scout ‘em out, and they sent me back with reassurance they have no intention of embroilin’ you, your town, or its people, in their dirty work. Not without ‘em also signin’ on, provin’ they’re on board black-n’-white about it all. No innocent blood shed on their watch, an’ all that.”

“Respectable work they’re doin'.” Finishing off the bottle, Hancock put it down on the coffee table with an elevated brow and heavy lids. He reached for his cigarette case and lit one up, flicking the extinguished match into the ashtray. “Y’say y’wanna join ‘em? What’s stoppin’ ya?”

Any ease left in Galen’s face drained right out of him.

“I came East lookin’ for answers about what might be wrong with the equipment at my vault. Bein’ pink ain’t rosy. My time up top just keeps rackin’ up red flags over symptoms an’ details we all just sorta accepted as normal. Time got to be a blur, and all we knew was what we were experiencing. I’m sure for most of us, it’s been like this so long we’ve forgotten it wasn’t always like this. Anyway, I’m outta places I’d know where to look for information, but really I’ve all but given up anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I care what happens to ‘em, but I’m positive they’d cut their noses off just t’spite me at this point, even if I had a way to fix all this.” After a moment the turn of phrase had marinated, and he straightened. “Bad choice of words.”

“Don’t sweat it,” Hancock murmured, grinning genuinely a moment. “You’re really pulled every which way, aren’t ya?”

“It sounds horrible, but I’m just lookin’ for a way for me t’survive this... I wanna be in the pink, not just... Yeah. Can I bum a smoke off ya, in exchange for playin’ y’couch psychiatrist?”

“--Sure.” Picking up the case again, Hancock produced a second cigarette and lit it off the cherry of his own, then he handed it over. As he spoke, he gesticulated with his cigarette not unlike an implement. “This classy lil’ tricorner hat’s gettin’ kinda heavy, man. That other vaultie I mentioned? Showed up a few hours after you left. Scrawny little creep with a Handy. Jamjar glasses and a bad limp. Finn, one of my best guards, decides to get friendly with the guy in the worst way, just because Finn doesn’t like how I’m running things and was tryin’ t’put his foot down wherever he could stomp it. Finn an’ I get into a disagreement, and I had to put him in the dirt over it to protect the guy.

“I thought I had a bead on everybody in my town, knew where I stood. Have I become a tyrant? Finn wasn’t the only one who’s actin’ like it.” Hancock shut his eyes, took a long drag off his cigarette, and paused on his head space, holding the smoke in for a moment before letting it out his nose-less nostrils. His head lolled onto the back of the couch, his hand drooping off the arm of it. “That little shit wasn’t even in my town a full twenty-four hours before another of my folks had him tricked into helpin’ her breakin’ into my strong room. All hell broke loose. There was... collateral. Fahr was just doin’ her job, and it almost got her killed. Vaultie’s got some serious debt racked up, if he can’t get back the shit he helped Bobbi steal from me. And something along the lines of a fine for critically wounding my second-in-command.”

A short silence followed.

“I get that you’re pissed,” Galen started, puffing away as he leaned forward onto his knees. “But didn’t you just describe that other vaultie as a scrawny, decrepit nerd? If he had the wool pulled over him by this Bobbi, you really think he’d be capable of coercin’ her t'cough it back up?”

“Oh, it ain’t about him makin’ recompense. It’s about makin’ him sweat. If he can get that loot back from her, he’s earned it. But what’s got me is, Bobbi thinks I earned her makin’ me for a mark. I had a job done on me. I’m getting too hunkered into my laurels. I’m goin’ crazy inside my head. I’ve gotta. I’ve gotta get outta town. Blow off some steam, sharpen the ol’ killer instinct.”

“...Funny thing, that timing. I finished the part of the story you asked me to fish for, but there’s one more thing. In order to join on the Railroad, I have to do a job for them. Prove my aptitude or somethin’ like that. An’ I’m kinda wary to go alone. The guy I’ve gotta meet with is the one I think’s been tailing me the past week, and he’s kinda... weird.” He squinted and shook his head, and swallowed his filter without snuffing it. With his head collected, he made eye contact with the mayor. “You wanna get outta town. I gotta get outta town. I’d love it if y’came with me.”

Hancock shot up and slapped his knees, then stood animatedly. His face lit up, and he wagged his free hand at Galen while he finished off his cigarette.

“You. I knew I liked you. It’s settled. We stock up and head out ASAP. I gotta bow to the formality of a speech before all that, though. I owe my people that much. But they can hold their own while I duck off with ya. They’ve got Fahr, once she’s a hundred percent again. This little job shouldn’t take too long, should it?”

“It’s out by the old Corvega plant,” Galen replied. The mayor’s intensity was catching, and a strange smile crossed the pink dreg’s face. “You’re good people, Hancock.”

“By the smile of Heaven, I am a free and independent man,” he grinned, tipping his hat toward him over his shoulder as he ducked out the balcony door at the end of the room.

[scottielambchop]

My Review of The Summer Set Festival (1/2)

You know, as a 32-year old man, I don’t really feel like I’m all that old. I’m hip, I still have that old devil-may-care attitude, I’m in pretty good shape, I play video games and don’t have many responsibilities. I love music, and I certainly feel that I’m more than open listening to new music and giving it an honest shot.

Then I started my security job at a Minneapolis bar called Psycho Suzi’s and got to know (and befriend) many people in their early 20s. Now, I’ve now come to realize that I don’t know shit. One such coworker recently posted the flyer for Summer Set (a local EDM festival), and only three names sounded familiar to me: Run the Jewels, Die Antwoord, and Zeds Dead—and that last one was only because it’s a Pulp Fiction quote.

So, as an attempt to fit in with these wacky youths, I’ve decided to listen to one song by each band (group) in the order it was written on the flyer and post my initial thoughts on each. It’s like a stream of conscience from hell. Let’s see how this one goes.

Zeds Dead - Frontlines (ft. GG Magree): This girl’s voice is okay, but musically who gives a shit? Oh, never mind; now it’s turned into a goddamn dubstep song. What in the holy fuck have I gotten myself into? It would be a lot cooler if this featured G.G. Allin — and I really hate G.G. Allin

Zedd – Clarity (ft. Foxes): This song sounds like every song played at my gym. It’s fine. I probably would have liked it in, like, 2001 when I went through a bullshit Paul Oakenfold phase. Do you think this guy has a beef with that Zeds Dead group? I guess that would make this festival kinda neat to see how they hash that shit out.

GRiZ – Hard Times: I’m really hoping this is about Dusty Rhodes, but I think I need to get that out of my head right away. This song starts off kinda cool, like a hip hop version of a Reservoir Dogs-type movie intro. Oh, now the dumb bullshit dubstep kicked in and ruined it — should have figured that nothing stays gold in the context of this miserablelittle adventure I’m on. Also, watching this video, you need to understand this this dude is the most stereotypical white guy trying to be a hip hop DJ. It’s like if Edward Snowden put on a hockey jersey and shitty glasses.

Run the Jewels – Run the Jewels: I’ve heard this before. These guys are cool. But then again, I’m a white guy who casually listens to NPR, so of course I like Run the Jewels. My only problem with this song is that I think only Angel Witch and Minor Threat should have titular songs.

Die Antwoord – Ugly Boy: I don’t know how two people can look so much like juggalos but not be lumped into that group. Instead they’re like the best thing to happen to graphic designers since the Adobe Creative Suite. I used to really like these guys but, then again, I used to be really fucking stupid.

RL Grime – Core: This is building up to something that I’m probably gonna hate. Not to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but holy shit was I right. It has buildups that I felt like will have a significant payoff, but then it just does fucking nothing. It’s like audio edging. For fuck’s sake, this song goes nowhere. Well, at least I can say that I also really hate their name.

Datsik – Redemption (ft. Excision):  Oh great, I found the official background music to every YouTube vape video. When they inevitably remake the Matrix movies, I fear this is all they’re going to sound like. The track says it features another artist, but the only thing I can hear is some random audio clips. But then I did some research to find out it took TWO separate DJs to make this bullshit.

Post Malone – White Iverson: First of all, this guy needs to land on his basketball references. Second of all, this video has 276,473,194 views—a number I wish I were joking about. This song just sounds like every other modern hip hop song, minimal beat and some dude inaudibly saying dumb shit without a rhyme. Now that I’ve established how milquetoast this song is, I’d really like to comment on how this guy looks. He’s the missing link from Riff Raff and James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers. Seriously, if they were to make a reboot of Malibu’s Most Wanted, casting had better snatch this honkey up QUICK! He seems like an exaggeration of someone trying to appropriate black culture, and it’s heartbreaking no one is calling him on this shit. I can’t wait until we’re in a time of post-Post Malone.

Seven Lions – Worlds Apart (feat. Kerli): Honestly, this starts out okay. Kerli has a pretty voice, the electronic beat isn’t overbearing and the video features bloated images of outer space that you’d probably find on the wall of a “worldly” teenage stoner. I’ve heard way worse. Granted, this could also be my old “techno” fan coming out. There’s a middle dubsteppy part that I could do without, but whatever. Yeah, I didn’t mind this one.

Zomboy – Like A Bitch: Right from the get-go I’m told to, “stop acting like a (woop) and get my hands up.” Here’s the deal, Zomboy: you only get one chance to make a first impression. And you insulting me for not doing what you want isn’t going to make friends with anyone. So, no, I won’t stop acting like a bitch.  The mere fact that you keep repeating it, isn’t going to motivate me to do it any faster—if at all. With that said, musically, this also sucks.

Audien – Something Better (ft. Lady Antebellum): Hey! This has a structure of a legit pop song! I don’t know if this project has been beating me down, or if this is actually decent. Don’t get me wrong, it has the really annoying electronic hooks that most modern music has, but compared to some of the garbage I’ve already put in my ears, it’s pretty alright.

Bakermat – One Day: Man, what a progressive song. Nothing says, “heartstring cash grab” better than mixing samples of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech and sexy saxophone with generic dancy electronic beats. It honestly sounds like the backing beats to Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations.” Oh well, at least it was short.

Big Wild – Aftergold: This song sounds like it was tailor-made to be used in the opening narrative of an “inspirational” teen movie. Imagine an opening shot of an urban high school with the main character doing a voice over explaining his life and school, now think of the music that is playing in the background. Yeah, you’ve got it. It’s light and floaty with an array of unique instruments (strings, Taiko drums, etc.) and then sample in some record scratches and electronic noise and that’s it. It’s not offensive. It’s not anything. It’s just a thing.

Bleep Bloop – Slippin: Before I start, I want you to know that it was THIS band that made me venture into this masochistic assignment. It all started when a group of younger coworkers posted the flyer for this festival on social media and expressed their sincere excitement. Now, being the complete asshole I am, decided to shit all over their good time by stating that it sounds like the worst time imaginable. (I was essentially being facetious because I really don’t care what they listen to. But for the record: I’m right). Anyway, after skimming through the names, my eyes caught the name “Bleep Bloop” and everything in me laughed and cried all at the same time. I voiced my opinion about this band without ever hearing them, stating that this just sounds like a generic EDM placeholder until these assholes can figure out something dumber to call themselves.

Cut to a few days later. It’s a Saturday and once we were finished closing up, I decided to invite some coworkers over for drinks. While everyone is over, I take it upon myself to throw on a record that I figured would appeal to many. So I put on my copy of T-Swift’s 1989 (it’s solid pop-gold, fight me). I throw on the record, and it’s mostly well received. At this moment, the person I was giving shit to about Bleep Bloop made his opinion heard by stating that he can’t believe that I would listen to/enjoy 1989, but refuse to open myself up to Bleep Bloop. Now once he said “Bleep Bloop” out loud, I couldn’t help by throw myself into maniacal laughter. I mean, just think about how goddamn stupid that sounds. Imagine your favorite band of all time. Then imagine their name is fucking Bleep Bloop. Now try and defend that band to someone who hasn’t heard them before. It turns into the biggest, most useless uphill battle you’ve ever waged upon someone else. It’s also just really funny for the other person, if you’re dead serious about them.

Okay, now that I’ve got the backstory of this shit-ass band, it’s time to dive into the music.

This is just a series of dumb sound effects. It honestly sounds like it was created on the Playstation version of MTV Music Generator. Then they have remixed versions of a guy saying the same damn thing. It’s seriously giving me a headache. I don’t know why anyone would want to listen to this for enjoyment. It’s really fucking confusing. All in all, it’s exactly what I expected out of a band named Bleep Bloop.

Destructo – Higher: Have you ever seen an action movie from the late 90’s/early 00’s where the protagonist has to kill a mafia boss in the middle of a douchey club? You know, those scenes where in which shit really escalates into a full-blown gun fight and the fire alarm goes off making everything wet creating a unique aesthetic? Yeah, this is the shitty music playing at the beginning of the scene that lets the viewer know that the location really sucks. The video is blatantly alluding to straight-up heroin/sex addiction—it’s pretty glamorous. And then she dies at the end from a broken heart while some guy repeats, “get higher, baby.” All in all, better than other stuff already reviewed on this godforsaken list.

Ghastly – We Might Fall (ft. Matthew Koma): This video started out by saying “Dubstep Electro House” which is weird because I can almost guarantee it should just say “whiny dude singing over bullshit.” It started off slow with dumb vocals, then it slowly built up to a techno climax (which is also a medical term for when you ejaculate lasers) with a high-pitched autotune. And then it repeats. Whatever, it sucks, but it’s fine.

Well folks, that’s it for the first half. I’m currently waiting on edits for the second. I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath. Trust me, it fucking sucks.