#also dont worry i am feeling the pressure to make verse good

[seekerquest]

Another different anon here, I do think about the comic from time to time! It's among my favorite webcomics and I used to read a -lot- of them. Seeing that Seeker was updated with an epilogue made my week and I love the comic even more after it. (I'm also enjoying the sequel set in the same universe but it has big shoes to fill. The main trio are adorable though.)

So many wonderful things to be told today... thank you for this.

Can I just say, I never intended to have an epilogue for Seeker - the first or the second. I was content to leave it at the end reveal and let people freak out. But seeing how much love was given to the characters and the story, and how much I came to adore them, I increasingly felt compelled to give some form of closure. I'm super glad I did, too. It was like giving someone a present they really love and getting to watch their delighted reaction when they open it up. Extremely rewarding.

[obeiii-mee]

Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

——————————-

This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

——————————-

The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

———————————

Al~

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[darkpoisonouslove]

Please dont hate me.

Griffin and Valtor and all the questions. :)

Okay, but just because you asked nicely... Kidding, of course. XD I don’t hate you. I just hope any of this will make sense.

1. Who is the most affectionate?

Valtor, actually. It takes Griffin a while until she can fall into being cuddly with someone but she is surprised by how open Valtor is to physical proximity. He’s also the one that is more about compliments.

2. Big spoon/Little spoon?

Valtor is normally the big spoon which Griffin was a bit irate about at first because she is a lighter sleeper and, therefore, more likely to be getting up or moving around. She thought it would make more sense for her to be the big spoon but Valtor wanted to be the one holding her and she relented. She actually liked it a lot more than she expected to even if it took some getting used to.

3. Most common argument?

Bathroom dominion. They. Just. Cannot. Reason. About. It. They both take forever when getting ready and it is hell. Especially if they are going undercover to an official event. You do not want to be around.

4. Favorite non-sexual activity?

Playing chess. They can’t help it. They are competitive and love messing with each other which is done through an array of side bets and whatnot. But they have a good time. Mostly.

5. Who is most likely to carry the other?

Valtor. He is dramatic romantic like that. Griffin pretends to be annoyed by it... badly. She totally loves it. Even if it does make her think about things that might be impossible.

6. What is their favorite feature of their partner’s?

I feel like I might have answered that somewhere so excuse any mismatches in case I don’t remember my own headcanons.

(I am pretty sure I said Griffin’s favorite thing about Valtor is his voice but that is not a feature so I guess the inconsistencies have been prevented on merit of that alone.) Griffin might be a little fixated on Valtor’s hands bc of the fact that he only really takes his gloves off with her (and his skin is super soft). Also, the contrast between the destruction he can wreak with his magic and the tenderness of his touch on her skin.

I also think that I said Valtor’s favorite part of Griffin is her neck. Does that count as a feature? Well, it does now. He loves how delicate and sensitive her neck is. Griffin can’t pull him away from there when he starts kissing it, and biting it because it’s Valtor. He loves to leave marks there and listen to the sounds she makes while he’s doing it.

7. What’s the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

Valtor experiences selflessness for the first time. Or what is a weird mix of selflessness and selfishness because he does not necessarily expect anything in return when he does what is best for her but he still hopes that that will help their relationship develop. He’s not at all sure how to react to it. All he knows is that making her smile makes his day even if he has to endure some more bitching from his mothers because of what he did for Griffin.

What actually changes for Griffin is that she finally allows herself sexual fantasies about Valtor. She had noticed his attractiveness before but she wasn’t interested in getting involved with him. However, after they started getting to know each other and some emotional barriers got down, she found herself growing fonder of him. By the time she realized she liked him, pretty much everything else had changed.

8. Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

Valtor does call her bookworm which is pretty obvious and generic. But other than that they don’t really have nicknames for each other.

9. Who worries the most?

They both worry. A lot. Griffin worries more openly, though, while Valtor will pretend he’s not worried but will keep looking for excuses to be close to her and touching her.

10. Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

Griffin. Valtor tries his best but he has so many things on his head. He is in awe of how Griffin always manages to remember everything. She claims it is because she isn’t forced to do it but chooses to do so on her own.

11. Who tops?

Usually Valtor but that’s because Griffin lets him. He is happy to bottom if she feels like it even if the first time he might have needed a little convincing. He was grateful for having the insight to leave her in charge.

12. Who initiates kisses?

Valtor does that a lot. He will use any and all opportunities. Hell, even if the time is not right, he would still do it. He loves to kiss her and Griffin has learned that. She has no problem with it as long as it isn’t a really inopportune time.

13. Who reaches for the other’s hand first?

Valtor. He likes holding her closer, even if it is just her hand in his. Besides, he is busy a big portion of the time and can’t do it so he needs to compensate for that whenever he has the opportunity.

14. Who kisses the hardest?

Griffin has surprised him. And here he thought he was passionate. Griffin has it in her to surpass him. Not always but she does kiss very hard when she gets really into it.

15. Who wakes up first?

Griffin. She is the early bird. She is generally more excited about getting started on her day. Valtor isn’t too happy about having to bust himself because of his mothers yet again.

16. Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

Valtor. He could sleep all day if he had the free time for that kind of thing. It is honestly kind of a dream. Especially if Griffin is also there. He can feel her presence even when he’s asleep and it always makes everything better,

17. Who says I love you first?

Griffin does. Not because Valtor is scared to tell her how he feels (even though he is that too). He just doesn’t want to pressure her into saying it back if she isn’t ready (or doesn’t feel the same). He is kinda torn on whether he is actually being selfless or too scared to even admit that he is selfishly waiting for her to make the first move but considering the fact that she seems more secure in their relationship, he decides to trust his own motives.

18. Who leaves little notes in the other’s lunch? (Bonus: what does it usually say?)

That would be Griffin. It is probably something only Valtor will get that is sure to cheer him up despite it most likely being sassy/sarcastic.

19. Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

Griffin by virtue of Valtor not wanting to say anything and not being given the chance either. His mothers just know. Even though he would’ve liked to have kept it a secret. That’s not an option in the world in which he lives. Griffin does tell her mom even if she has cut contact with her friends.

20. What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Valtor’s mothers aren’t enchanted by the idea but they allow it on condition it won’t get in the way of Griffin and Valtor’s work. They pretty much use it as a way to pressure Valtor into doing even more than before. Emalyn isn’t thrilled either. Though, to be fair, she wasn’t thrilled by Griffin joining the Coven at all. She can see that Griffin is happy which is what makes her keep her thoughts to herself but she is worried about everything that can go wrong, including what will happen if Griffin and Valtor break up. She is worried Griffin may not be safe in that case.

21. Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

Griffin would. Valtor will try to protest before he realizes that they are just swaying around and he isn’t expected to perform some elaborate ceremonial dances. He relaxes and lets her drag him fully into it, They have a great time.

22. Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

Griffin, obviously. She does make use of Valtor’s Dragon Fire but that is the way in which he can be more useful in the kitchen aside from tasting whatever she’s cooked. He isn’t all that great despite being sensitive to smells and tastes.

23. Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Valtor all the way. He does not know when to stop. Luckily, Griffin finds him adorable which might be why he hasn’t collided with the finish line yet.

24. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear during inappropriate times?

Both of them do it, actually. They both know when the situation needs their full focus but they are also not above messing with each other. And of course, that requires revenge which results in more revenge and they just end up stuck in a loop. Not that they are complaining about it. Not really.

25. Who needs more assurance?

Valtor. Griffin can see how much she means to him once they actually get together and open up to each other. Valtor has a lot of insecurities, though, despite his confident facade and can always use some more reassurance even if everything is okay at the moment.

26. What would be their theme song?

As a couple? Young God by Halsey. It just fits them so well! Though, that is more a commentary on their full story during the war. If it is something they would pick in-verse, then idk. Maybe Powerful by Major Lazer and Ellie Goulding.

27. Who would sing their child back to sleep?

They would both do it together. Griffin would have to teach Valtor all the lullabies he knows but he’d make sure to learn them.

28. What do they do when they’re away from each other?

 Valtor forces himself to keep going about his day. He doesn’t have the time to sit around and wait for her return anyway. And work keeps him occupied but the moment he has an ounce of free time, his thoughts immediately drift to her.

Griffin tries working as well or reading a book but sometimes that’s not enough and she finds herself wondering how he’s doing and even worrying. She might go on a mission herself to keep herself occupied - pick out some herbs or hunt down a recipe she’s never come across before.

29. One headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart

All of them. Seriously, everything I come up with about them is heartbreaking. But here goes. The only thing Valtor doesn’t know about Griffin (prior to the seventeen years he was imprisoned) is that she was pregnant when she ran away from the Coven.

30. One headcanon about this OTP that mends it

I... am not sure I have any of these. I just love angst and heartbreak. Idk how well this fits but... Valtor did eventually come to appreciate the fact that Griffin was the only one who ever loved him. Even if she did leave. He can see how different their relations were from anything else he’s ever had with anyone and it did make him realize that she did truly love him despite everything.

[idontevenknowanymore826]

just journaling 🤗 while toking a little

why am i pulling so much? fuck i thought i was getting over trich. my hair was really growing...and then mom comments on all my gray hairs 🙄

i feel stressed like overwhelmed and overworked...maybe im working too much. I am so stressed over the holidays bc my mom pressures me to do ALL THE THINGS 😳. host everything plan everything. i dont even feel like i can enjoy it ☹️😓😣. im just anxious for it to be over.

my mom has been staying with us and its not so bad but she like...stresses me out...feel kinda annoyed with her sometimes. she just always wants to talk about herself...never really interested in my well being; only what i can do for her or how i can make her happy.

i want the money though. with these new car payments i might have cut my income too much...im starting back to school soon for my bachelors in respiratory. hoping to be applying to PA school in a few years 🤑🤗😳😁. i want joesy to go back to school too. he seemed to kinda be open to rad tech school. i hope i didnt bring it up the wrong way in our marriage. i was just like i want you to go back to school to make more money—learn a trade—do something you actually like. sometimes he says hes happy but i dont think he really wants to do inpatient phlebotomy for the rest of his career. to me that just sounds sad...like hes smart and witty and i want better for him. but he was like ‘am i not good enough for you’ and i tried to reassure him but im not sure he believes me...just maybe his job and income isnt good enough for me? i don’t necessarily want to be the only breadwinner...i just hate that he acts like school is never an option and he will just do this forever. he talks like hes 80–and too old to do anything when he is only 34. i just dont want our life to be limited together...i dont want to settle and i dont want him to either.

as a friend told me, since i did that job previously i know how low on the scale it is...its like entry level...why not advance? to me its like an investment in happiness and job satisfaction? im not overly pressuring but trying to encourage...i know he’s capable of so much more. he like doesn’t believe in himself and sits home playing video games when hes not working.I just feel like hes not satisfied. and he’s overworked in my opinion—its a very active job... with no union. but it makes ok money like $18/hr and mine currently is $29/hr

am i asking too much? i worry bc we r trying to get pregnant and i want both our jobs to be high pay so we dont have to work as many hours. i currently make 65k per year and he makes 37k per year...i did a couple years of school. after securing pa employment i intend to earn around 100k per year. should i just do my school and not nag him to go back also? i just dont want to struggle financially and sometimes i want him to work at bettering himself a little bit harder. i adore him and i dont want to ever hurt him ☹️. i just like nice things and not having to worry about money and having plenty of time off to travel and self care. do i sound mean, demanding, or a bad wife?

and lawd my lifestyle has been a wreck eating poorly not tracking calories and not working out. i got pretty sick and i was so worn out. i hope i can get myself back on track—i still have a ways to go on my weight loss journey—100lbs.

i feel so whiny 😫😆

anywayz thx for listening tumblr-verse 💕

[cleftmomph]

Cleftmom confessions: Things ive learned that I wish I knew before. A list from a mom of special kids❤️ I actually dont know how to address this list, I think I've realized these because I have 2 kids with "special" needs. But it may also apply to moms in general, Im sure all of us will have one or two of these thoughts or circumstances in our crazzzy momma life☺️ 📌I am not INVINCIBLE I need God. I am nothing - this is not because Im bring myself down, but because I am humbling myself. Im surrendering. I am nothing in this world compared to His greatness. Given how well nourished, well educated, or how powerful, how big your house is, you are nothing without God. YOU NEED HIM. Crazy as it may sound but with all the fear I felt, the next thing I realized/felt was this. I was HUMBLED. I know He's caliing me. I was reminded of how great he is and who am I in this world. This is why 2 COR 12:9 is one of my fave verses: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me 📌Take one day at a time I know you have so much to give, but I also know theres only so much you can take. We have limits, we are mortals, remember? If you will look past your now, sometimes it gives you serenity. Skipping the harder days, the surgeries etc. The power of hope. But in your darker days, when its just hard to find aomething to make you move forward, remember you have now, and what you do today, now, is what matters. Enjoy it, days goes by faster than you think. With all the hustle and bustle of this generation, sometimes its hard to remember this. But until your child hits another milestone, you wont stop to enjoy life and savor that moment with your kid. You will realize that they're growing too fast and there's that pinch making you ask "why so fast?". And then there's this joy, the assurance that they are doing well coz they're hitting those milestones just in time, sometimes a lil early, sometimes a lil late, but what the heck, they DID and that's what matters. Savor the moment🙂 📌Cliché as it may sounds: things will get better This!!! This cliche was pressed on me numerous times already. This is proven. I want to say by me, but well... i'd be lying, and you know it coz you've been there, done that😂 When reassuring new cleft parents I always say this line, which maybe doesn't help much hehe (but I know they'll realize one day that it's true😎). It's just hard to look beyond the firsts, beyond the uncertainty specially if the mom has not yet delivered. I totally understand that (i've bern there, didn't believed this line as well😂😂😂). But the most recent encounter with this lesson was because of our Jacob. I still get hotheaded while on our review sessions (di po ako ipokrita 😂), but he makes me more proud because of that. Because as I always say, he tries, he tries his best! Before, during his exams week, review sessions would be after school till bedtime and it wasn't even enough parin --- That's with prior review sessions pa. Before he cant even read a story book, it would take us an hour or two to finish those short stories. Before during exams He wont have time to do his kumon booklets anymore. But he did improved. He did better in reading books, he's good in math, he gets perfect scores in exams. Recently was his summative exam, he was able to finish reviewing all his subject before exam week started. so it was just a quick review for him during exam week. I felt how positive he is, how confident he is now specially in math and reading. I felt how happy he was that he could still do other things after reviewing. Things got better for me, but more for Jacob.❤️ 📌Downing moments are vital You wont have glorious days without your gloomy days. They make your success more sweet. If you let them eat you whole, you'll lose. Don't let trials win, empower your will to get back on your feet. Some days are harder, but that's what make you tougher. 📌You have to be worry sometimes ...So you wont put your guard down. 📌You need Two words:CLEFT TEAM If it would be possible go to them. NCF / PBM. Period! Google will help you with what a legit cleft team consists of💪🏼 📌This prayer help me calm myself❤️ I want to share it with you because in times my heart is in trouble, And I would say this prayer I would instantly feel calm. So much betteeeer❤️ The serenity prayer God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. Amen. 📌God's plans for you is bigger Learning about Gabbie's cleft hit me hard. I comfort myself knowing that God has His plans and He definitely know better. It's really hard to know what it is, its hard to foresee but He asked me to have faith, Even as small as the mustard seed. I know my faith is far bigger than a mustard seed, because you know what, never as in NEVER He has forsaken me! JER 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Prov 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 📌Go with your instinct Mother knows best. Also, this means you are the one responsible for your parenting style. Don't let others pressure you into a parenting style that is not YOU. You be the kind of mother YOU want to be, not the society, your doctor, your priests, you family ask you to be. You are the only person who knows what's best for your child😉 listen to their opinion or advice, pick what suits you, junk what's not and move on. Don't let them and their side comments affect you inside. 😉 📌Google will bring you horror, dont let it. Use it to your advantage. I will be honest, researching made me anxious. By the time we discovered Gabbie's a cleftie we only have around 8weeks to prepare for her special needs. I havent joined any support group, i tried searching but didnt found one (till gabbie was 2months old ata) so I have no clue what's the best kind of surgeon to go to, what will she need etc. google would redirect me to cases from across the globe, Mostly US, many patients in the US had over 10 surgeries, so yes, that scared me. Ear tubes, yup they did scare me - alot!!! Repeated palatoplasty? Complications per age, complications during surgery.... hell yes!! Speech problems?! Heart problems and syndromes!????! Like whaaaaatttt!!! I want to give birth already just to find out if she has any of it!!! But the internet provided me a vital information for our cleft journey - name of our surgeon. Dr. Glenda De Villa ❤️ learned what bottles we need, what to look out for, that yessss, I could breastfeed!!!🙂 the internet also provided the criteria of a CLEFT TEAM/CLEFT CENTER, and Dr. De Villa's team is a SURE WIN!💪🏼 📌You have to love your doctor. Trusting your surgeon is vital. After meeting her, my worries just fluffed their way out of my chest. She's an inspiration. She's also the one who told us about NCF. If not for her and our trust to her, our family won't have the privilege of knowing those who are behind NCF and their patients ☺️ 📌You are not alone I repeat. YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE I treat my co-cleft moms and dads as my family. No one could understand me than someone who's going Through a journey like us. Yes, our families and friends are backing us up, they're always there. Always. But the STRUGGLE IS REAL! Haha there are certain things no one could relate to unless they have a "special" child. Noordhoff Craniofacial Foundation patients have a support grp - https://www.facebook.com/groups/IbahagiAngNgiti/ And https://www.facebook.com/groups/CleftSupportGroupPH/ is open to all clefties and their families 🙂 📌Be thankful. You are blessed. I always say God gives the hardest battles to His bravest soldiers. Wonder where our cleftstrong babies got their strength and spirit? Its from US, their parents. I was also in doubt at first😁 God chose us for a purpose. Be proud of the privilege and responsibility that God entrusted us🙂 1 thess 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Stop self blaming. Dont be too hard on yourself. Stop asking yourself if you did something wrong during your pregnancy. Accept that you too have shortcomings, and that's ok. Your kids still love you just the same because you are morethan ENOUGH!❤️ *list to be updated, usually in the wee hours of the morning I cant sleep.😂

[callonb]

GYBurst of Inspiration/Motivation

Where does inspiration come from? - Snacks I recorded a song with Samuel Hawkins recently and that was the first line of his verse. Lately thats been on my mind more and more. Where does my inspiration come from and why cant I always bask in its motivational energies? Seems that my drive comes and goes with the moon phases or as planets enter and leave our orbit. Could be the skys dictating my moods and movements (which i think it does have an effect) or it could be the mass amount of coffee and tea i drink a day. Definitely important factors but not quite the source. My mom definitely motivates me, she believes in everything Im doing and helps every way that she can. Its not financially but sometimes emotional support is more important. Shouts out to Momma B you the realist. Same for my homies and not homies as in people i force myself to be around, cuz having friends is what you do. Actual family that i grew up with and have developed a relationship with, the GYB family. The ones who sat me down years ago and was like dude...... you need to take this rap shit seriously. The ones who are now getting more and more involved with the movement every day, pushing everything to the side and riding along with my dream and making them their own. Everyday the homies are pushing to help me create this vision for you guys as they've adopted it as their own. Like minds on the prize, Shouts out the Layer homies. That only seems to be half of it tho, and Ive never felt this type of fire burning inside me before so what is it? Magazine drama and BS doesn't motivate me, Music doesn't seem to hit me the same way anymore. I used to listen to music constantly, new rap definitely doesn't do it for me.....makes me feel lower. New tv shows dont do it for me im bored with most of the popular shows out. Same for games or just typical activities that people partake in. Partys, drugs, random hook ups...It all seems so blah to me and im completely uninterested. I learned I have to stop feeding my lower self and focus on my higher self and what that part of my being truly wants and thats to CREATE!!! Whenever im around an environment that drives me to create and push myself i perform better. So i guess i just realized what really inspires me, and thats a creative environment. Who is responsible for this? Well I saw the Rotunda Project last weekend at Maiden Alley, a collaborative piece by Fairseas. The Fairseas are a group of musicians named Jeran Simmons, Bobby Dowell, Codie Franklin and Shanden Simmons. I watched them plant this seed years ago and now its a giant tree that you can sit back and marvel in its greatness. The main theme of the film was collaborating with your community. I cant lie ive had many many thoughts of leaving my community to collaborate elsewhere but ive came to a realization recently that it isnt necessary. To my surprise and probably a lot of people around here, there is a bubbling hip hop scene around here that is about to explode. Ive started to invest my time and efforts into this scene now and received nothing but results. Shanden has been a major influence in my artistry because he is always honest, encouraging and persistent....three very important characteristics to have in a creative environment and on top of that has become one of what i would consider my best friends. I look at him as one of my GYBrothers. On to the hip hop scene around here tho..... mysterious person named "A" aka the Hollow Man and he is one of the most promising producers/writers around. His solo stuff is outstanding and the collaboration effort we are working on "A & B: The Empire" is next level. Its been well over a year in the making and will shock most people when they hear the new styles i bring to the tape compared to my previous work. A always challenges me to be very intelligent when I piece together my verses and I like that. He makes me want to grab a dictionary and start reading so I can match his extensive vocabulary.....and maybe I have done that lol. Im the ONLY artist that the mystery man works with at the moment and that hits me now in a way it never has before. Like why me, do I really have something in my music that would make this beyond talented artist spend his time and efforts to make beats for us to collab on and want to include me in everything he does? His beats are above any producer Ive ever heard even in the big leagues of the rap game its crazy but he will prolly have his own GYBlog entry about him eventually. I have to move on before i make this to long lol. Next is JSkrilla, I have met the Skrilla a few times in passing but i dont think we realized what each other really could offer the other. Until i ran into him at the damn ROTUNDA PROJECT.....back around full circle. After that we decided to get together. We showed each other some of our music. I didnt know he made dope beats as well as spit hot fucking fire but he does. We shared our philosophies for our craft and talked hip hop and all sorts of other randomness. Then we picked a beat and wrote a song on the spot. Bar for bar back and forth. J stressed to me it had been a LONG time since he had been able to just sit down and write with another emcee that wasnt intimidated by his ability to write on the spot, or to match his caliber of wordplay and rhyme schemes. To both mine and his delight I delivered. Skrilla really challenged me tho, most artist get so caught up in the main stream BS or conforming to certain concepts and topics in their verses that it had been a while since I had felt pressure when writing to make sure my bars are up to par. Felt good to feel that energy again i had been missing the want to become better and that leads me to the main cause of my motivation and my improvments or just overall attitude change whatever you want to call it. the TRYBE!!!! Snacks, B. James, and Waun D. are the Cerberus of this rap shit. I have a lot to owe to them. GYB and Trybe share the same values as far as what we hope to contribute to the culture of arts and musics and how we hope to impact the hip hop community as well as the communities we all live in. I have done one show with them and have multiple other ones lined up with them. As a matter a fact i cant see myself doing a show with anyone but them from here on out. Once again them as well as JSkrilla could have their own full length blog entry but i digress for the sake of your attention lol. The Trybe challenges me to be a better emcee by making me freestyle. Which if you have been around me doing music ive never been a good freestyler.....UNTIL NOW!!! They have cracked that shell and brought me out of it. Making me partake in their cyphers everytime we get together. Soon Ill be as smooth off the top as i am with the writtens then its over for everyone! Sharpening my skills is not something that other rappers really push you to do. Rap is very competitive and braggadocios so pushing someone to improve and possible be better than you is unheard of. The Trybe doesnt see it that way though, they want us all to grow together. With a shared love for hip hop and me and Snacks shared love for Anime we can talk for hours and hours before we realize we havent done any music lol. Everytime I hear a new Trybe song i feel my artistry being challenged. The message in their music makes me want to really focus on the concepts i present in my music and start challenging my self to pretty much step my game up. Between Skrilla, "A", and TrYbe, everything new I hear makes me question my latest bars which is exactly what I need. Hip Hop is my life and my love and above any amount of money i can potentially make off this art is the desire to be the best emcee to ever grab a mic and thats the same mindset i had when i originally picked up the pen and decided i would be a rapper. Before i saw 8 mile and realized that being a white rapper wasnt necessarily accepted, before all the laughs, all the hate and just general shade i received for my dreams. Being white in this game is a roadblock but for the first time these guys made me realize that i have overcame that hurdle 100 times over. I had a long talk with the Trybe last night and they gave me a boost of confidence that finally fully ignited that fire i had lit but tried to conceal. Im no longer worried about what is cool or what people want. I just want to create and you will more than likely like it because I do have skills that i myself had been sleeping on. I hear these artist like A, Skrilla, and Trybe and i felt underneath them but now i see my self as an equal. We all have different things we bring to the table that compliment each other and its time to put it all together and make it happen. Plus we all just fucking dope and there is no denying. This is my new goal. No more time wasted on what i "think" is the right move. Im going to follow what i KNOW to be the right path and follow my heart. Thats challenging myself with these artist and like minded individuals to always be better. Also as Snacks has said before "move at LIGHT SPEED" thats just what Ill do with my light brothers here. We like some damn warriors of this rap shit waging war against a evil corrupt entity but thats also for a whole separate entry lol But no war of this caliber is complete without a general so shoutout to SirDuke. Ive also recently became friends with this crazy dude and he has shown me in just the short time ive known him more love and support than some people ive known my whole life. He also inspires me because he has dedicated his life to serve and protect (literally) and most importantly LEAD. He has an army of pretty much every hood and every rapper in each of them just waiting for his call. and he is not leading them astray, Shoutout the Kollektiv. Duke is also a talented singer and emcee. He has a show with me tomorrow at the Hangover in Murray MAKE SURE YOU COME TO THAT AND SEE MY NEW ALBUM CONSCIOUS TRAP PERFORMED LIVE starting at 9pm. but yeah Duke is dope and I can appreciate his leadership skills and what he hopes to accomplish in his community by cleaning it up through music. He is rubbing off on my and motivating me to hold that same position with my Layer army of GYB homies ive assembled. Most of them are clueless about the industry and music so its up to me to guide and lead them so they can be their own selves and make it in this world without the middle man down your neck. Im going to wrap this up because it ended up being way longer than i intended but i wanted to also say to my fellow collaborators and friends above all. Wolf, Golden Wrist Banks, Trevell, Dope, Simple, Benji and Angel Mascato. You guys have MAD SKILLS. You guys inspire me too because I hear something different in your music than i hear from most. I want you all to continue to grow and expand your creativity to new levels. Tell YOUR story. The same story is constantly told but how will you tell YOURS in the true challenge. So i encourage you guys like i have been recently, step outside of the norm and do what you truly feel in your heart that you need to, fuck what everyone else wants from you just create the way you feel appropriate. A lot of you are working with Duke regularly and I think he will tell you the same thing I am now. Even if its certain people in your lives holding you back, they gotta go. Surround yourself with positive people that want to grow with you instead of out grow you and you will see the same results. Probably why you guys were all on my latest album, except Trevell im sorry and you should have been but you know the deal homie its all love. Frank.....dammit man just rap lol but anyways ill end it on this note. Getting in touch with that child like mind state and that pureness of love in my heart again. Losing all my intentions to want to be better and out do someone but rather COLLABORATE with like minds in my community has already in return pushed me forward in a lot of ways. Seems almost as if they had been waiting on me this whole time. Its certain that my actions are now speaking louder than my words and everyone is starting to catch on. including myself finally. If you read this far thank you and I love you. Youre more than likely part of the reason why i typed this or why i even continue to do what i do. I trust you guys just as much as you trust ill deliver. Have a great day, maybe you can draw inspiration from this or some of the same people or things that i do! So put down that magazine full of empty content and read something meaningful that you are interested in, turn off the news and watch some anime, stop playing shooter games and play final fantasy, stop eating out and prepare your own meals, dont listen to music just play instrumentals and freestlye every day or just make your own, quit scrolling on facebook and take a stroll around the block, only spend time with those that help you grow rather than keep you low. So much inspiration out there sometimes we just have to break away from what we are used to in order to pull from the experience. Now im really done. and excuse my poor grammer and probably a shit load of spelling errors. That wont ever change, these blog post are run on sentences of my thoughts that pass through my head every day. Sometimes i just take the time to jot them out as they pass. PEACE LOVE AND GYB!!

[houseofkooks]

WINGS IN NEWARK <3

OK SO TODAY WAS THE BTS CONCERT YES TODAY WAS D DAY THIS WAS IT THIS WAS THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKIGN LIFE AND OMG OMOGMOGMOMG I HAVE SO MANY FUKING FEELS RIGHT NOW I MUST WRITE OK SO 

first of all the pre-concert period was a shitshow ok bt SO WORTH IT FASTFORWARD OK SO

ok when we first sat down it was just like so overwhelming and beautiful to see so many people who love bts sitting together in the same space

spring day mv was playing and everyone was singing along and it was so beautiful

and then the intro started to play and it was just the boys and honestly i don’t really remember what it’s about now i just know i teared up rly bad because i was sosososoososso EMO. like thankful i think? to be able to stand there and to be able to actually see the boys up close

lke i was just so overwhelmed fjljalgkjLKJDFKA and then they came out like they actually appeared behind the screen and then omg all hell broke loose like ya girl and everyone else did not understand the meaning of chill and self control ok. NOT TODAY was first and it was so fucking lit and my first impression was that omg. THEY WERE! CLOSE!!!!!!!

SO CLOSE I COULD SEE JUNGKOOK’S THIGH MUSCLES AND I WAS LIKE OMGOGOGOGOGMOG like i felt bad for always keepign my eyes of jungkook but i just can’t NOT. pretty sure i screamed JUNGKOOOOK JUNGKOOKIEEEEEE like 5293509159 times today

but then it’s good because they also did solo songs that allowed me to really appreciate each member!!!!!!!

begin was first and lemme tell u ya girl almost lost it like legit screamed my fucking throat out “JUNGKOOK!!!!!! JUNGKOOOOOOOK MY BABYYYYY MY BAAAAABY” and he’s just so good like he was SOOO GOOD like his dancing was amazing and likeit started with him spinning on the circle and im so glad i got to watch it live because you could really feel the emotion in his voice like this song is emotional and about how he loves his hyungs so much but in the fancams, you could really just see how good the dancing is. BUT LIVE!!!!! HE IS SUCH AN EMOTIONAL SINGER I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and he did the dance so well and he’s just so perfect and beautiful and wonderful in every way

lie was next and omgOMGOMGO ok jimin killed it like he really really did. like it was just so amazing the dancing the singing. lik the dance is just good already but it was so good with the whole stage and the whole choreo and also THE BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE PUT ON THE BLINDFOLD like thats jst such good art directing? choreo? idk it’s just like IMPACT ok it was so great

i dont rly remember who’s next

i think they did group songs and then it was yoongi’s?

the yoongi solo was soo. EMOTIONAL. I SWEAR OMG I LOVE THE ORCHESTRA AND THE FACT THAT HE WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF A PIANO SINGING HIS LOVE FOR PIANO AND MUSIC AND THE WHOLE PERFORMANCE. FDJSAKGJ;LAKJGLKAJ ; like honestly it’s oen of my favorite songs from the album because it’s so well written and he does it sosososososo well like the emotion is so palpable and raw even in the track, especially the last verse. so it was so good to just hear it live and it was just that much more stunning and impactful and just SUCH AN EXPERIENCE. i love the song so much

ok and then namjoon was next and his intro really fucked me up because it took me a lil bit to realize but it’s their “road” song with the heya heya and it’s mixed with whalien 52 for a little bit and idk why but it made me so emo. like the road song is about their hard journey and how they’ll work their hardest to try to reach the end of the road and i lovelovelove how namjoon used that in his intro because i think it’s so beautiful and sobering to know that the song means a lot to him? because thinking about it, he probably was under so much pressure not only for his own success but also for his teammates and it must’ve been hard on him as a young boy who’s really just been the “smart guy” who decided to follow his dream but then ended up having to be responsible for a whole group of boys who are like family to him, and their collective success. and i love that he included whalien 52 because he wrote it and it’s still to this date one of my favorite songs because it’s so cute but sad and real at the same time, which is kinda like namjoon’s embodiment? the song fits him so well like it’s just how he’s like the lonely whale that people don’t seem to understand because he’s on his own wavelength. i’ve always felt this vibe that ofc bangtan are all close but namjoon’s thoughts are so deep and abstract and mature sometimes that the rest of the boys don’t relate very well? like lol especially the maknae line BUT OK ANYWAY I DIGRESS. i really appreciated namjoon’s song because it was like a nice chill break which is what it was like in the album too. BUT MY FAVE PART OFC IS WHEN AT THE END HE KEEPS REPEATING “I WISH I COULD LOVE MYSELF” AND EVERYONE REPEATED TO HIM, “WE LOVE YOU” omg i’m getting emo just typign this out i really really wanna see how he reacted when he first heard it. omg ok anyway the end IT WS GREAT

taetae was next and omg his high notes were literally like wowowowowowoww like wow i’m so proud of him but TBH i couldn’t really hear bc the screams were unreal during his high notes BUT STILL HIS STAGE PRESENCE WAS GR8 and like idk it was just so good and he was so passionate and im so proud of him for all those high notes and also CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT HOW. CUTE. HE IS. LIKE HE’S LITERALLY SOSOSOSOSOS HANDSOME LIKE HE’S SO BEAUTIFUL. ALSO HE KEPT COMING OVER TO OUR SIDE AND SMILING AT US AND I’M NOT SURE WHETHER HE SAW US BUT IT ALMOST LOOKED LIKE WE MADE EYE CONTACT?!?!?!?!?! IDK?!?!?!?!?! BUT OK ANYWAY IT WAS GR8 HE WAS SO GREAT 

OMG im falling asleep ok i’ll quickly write the rest

BUT OMG OK HOBI’S WAS SO GOOD. LITERALLY. MAMA WAS EASILY THE BEST PERFORMANCE OUT OF ALL THE SOLOS AND I’M NOT EVEN A HOBI STAN LIKE OMG?!?!?!!! it was just so energetic and upbeat and exciting at first but then there’s all these pictures of hobi from when he was little and they were the cuuuutest. but also!! then there’s this part where he pauses everything and it’s just him sing-rapping and it was just so EMOTIONAL AND TUGGED AT MY HEARTSTRINGS AND JUST SO POWERFUL AND MEANINGFUL like you could really tell he was singing with his whole heart for his mom and it was just the best THE BEST LEMME TELL U ok moving on im fallin asleep

JIN yes ok it was just good bc his song is good and i don’t really remember but i made sure to scream loud yes good ok moving on WAI TIT’S SO SHORT UGHHGHGHGH ok anyway not the point

THE POINT IS!!!!!!!!!

namjoon is the best i love him so much like during the ment he was talking aobut the rainbow army and then he said that he thinks music transcends anything like language and race and he said “i don’t care if you’re red or blue or orange (referring to the balloon colors” and i thought that was so clever because it was like a metaphor for real life races and i think it’s so fitting given the current political climate in the us and i’m so proud of him for bringing this up!!!!!! also the part where everyone sang together and they all thanked us and i was just like TTTTTTTTT bc I REALLY WANT TO THANK THEM because namjoon was like, as long as we love each other, you’ll never walk alone and YOU KNOW WHAT. IT’S TRUE. IT’S SOSOSOSOSO TRUE. at one of the concert i just looked at them and got emo because no matter what happens in life next, no matter how sad or angry or frustrated or disappointed or tired i get, they’ll always be there to cheer me up. i’m so happy that i foudn them and that i love them so much because it’s so nice to have them with me :) they always make me laugh and i respect them so much. what i confirmed today is that they really are so sososos hardworking and sososos talented and definitely deserving of all the love they receive. i’m so proud of where they are now. I REALLY AM. during 2,3 there was a video of just their growth from the beginning and it made me SO EMO OK. like i haven’t been a fan since the beginning and i wish i have but the fact that they made it from being a literal NUGU to being so so big that they filled up prudential center. they’re SO GOOD LIVE. aside from talent, they’ve also improved so much and that just shows how hard they work. i’m so appreciative of their hard work and the fact that they were able to make it this big because of their hardwork and talent. they really are an amazing group of individuals!!!!!! like such a wonderful group of boys that are incredibly talented but also have such big kind hearts and are so funny and entertaining but also relatable and down to earth and friendly and inspirational. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FJDKLAJG;KJ!!!!!!!! so yes the whole time i was just marveling at the fact that they’re thanking us when I WANT TO THANK THEM SO MUCH. i know it sounds stupid but they really do encourage me and make life better for me fjsklajg I LOVE THEM. 

ok quick ranking after the show

1. jungkook bc how can i ever leave him i am already committed for life like i wanted him to f me in the closet after the concert ok. like i just love him so much there’s no contest 

2. namjoon still because he’s literally PERFECT so talented so deep so beautiful so smart so inspirational like he’d be the perfect boyfriend to talk to my worries with and he’s also really cute and funny and dorky and he just makes me laugh MY BABS

2.5. NOW --> hoseok HIS STAGE PRESENCE IS LITERALY NO. JOKE. he was sososos good during boy meets evil also and like he just COMMANDS THE STAGE and he enjoys it so much and i love him he’s so happy and so easily excitable and also such a sweetheart like there are videos of him picking up pokemon plushies on the stage and then he also noticed jre and pointed at him like he’s SO DOWN TO EARTH AND FRIENDLY AND RELATABLE AND JUST SUCH A CUTIE i luv him

3. FOR NOW --> JIMIN wow wat a surprise but he’s LITERALLY SO CUTE LIKE OK HE LITERALLY WALKED IN FRNT OF US?!??!! LIKE HE WAS SO CLOSE I COULD ALMOST TOUCH HIM!?!? AND HE WAS JUST SO CUTE!!! LIKE SO. CUTE. i’ve been reading posts about how he looks scary and intimidating like cold city man in “real life” BUT HE’S SO CUTE. HE’S SO CUDDLY AND SMILEY AND JUST SO CUTE LIKE HE RADIATES SOFTNESS nd he was so close to us and he waved at us and he’s so nice i luv him also ALSO his dancing is seriously so good like every time someone’s dance move catches my eye i’m like ooh who’s that and it would turn out to be jimin LIKE WOW FDJALKGJ; he really is so good at dancing

3.2. FOR NOW --> TAETAE!!!!!! HE’S SO CUTE HE’S SO CUTE HE LOOKED OVER TO US SO MANY TIMES TODAY AND HE’S JUST LITERAL FANSERVICE KING LIKE I DON’T REALLY WATCH HIS FANCAMS BUT HE’S LITERALLY always ALWAYS interacting with the audience and he’s so cute and he keeps winking or giving out hearts or just watching the audience and it’s just soft and nice and beautiful and it makes me feel important and loved and i love LOVE KTH HE’S SUCH A SOFT SMOL BALL like i love how he really does make an effort to make the fans feel loved and important <3 3 <3

4. yoongi!!!!!!!! yoongi is always good his performance is always ON FIYAHHHHHHH but i didn’t really get the chance to watch him closely LOLOL but i love him as always

5. mama jin my dearest oppa he’s so cute and has the cutest personality and is so funny so he really shines through in vlive or bombs or whatever and i always love him always but i think he gets shadowed over during concerts :(( bc he doesn’t have a lotta parts? and he doesn’t really have like the best stage presence (lolol i find it kinda funny that he frowns so much when he sings fjdkfljalkjg) BUT I REALLY DO LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM A LOT FJDKLAJ;GLK I LOVE ALL OF THEM

conclusion: i love bangtan so much i love every single one of them i am so thankful they are in my life and i can’t wait to continue stanning them forever because WE NEVER WALK ALONE and i can’t wait to see grow bigger and better so i can keep attending more and more concerts fjdksajglk I LOVE BTS BANGTAN SONYEONDAN I LOVE! KIM NAMJOON! KIM SEOKJIN! MIN YOONGI! JUNG HOSEOK! PARK JIMIN! KIM TAEHYUNG! JEON JUNGKOOK! BTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jess-oh]

Reflection 22.4.19

hey journal, ive been starting to think about my life in catalyst and whether or not i would want to stay if that ministry continues in the state it's in. because jason is right. they do expect to be fed and the current leaders seem more bitter than anything else that more people arent willing to step up and just see it as a burden. and im sure it must be hard, bc there's no set pastor for the young adults and it's up to them to figure things out. at least in movement we have pjosh as the main head but they dont really have anyone. sure pjosh and psam are there but they manage their own separate ministries. catalyst is a place where they should be able to relax and just be present and not worry about managing it. and i get that, thats totally fine. i dont think having a pastor come in and take the burden of the whole ministry will solve/fix everything. it really has to come from a place of willingness.i kind of want to start doing some digging and see how Koinonia functions without a "head" pastor for that specific life stage. Or maybe it just falls on Pastor William's plate! And if so, maybe having a head pastor to make the final calls would drastically help Catalyst. I am going home in part to do some research on how Sa-Rang functions as a church like in Holy Wave and seeing what I can see what they do right and wrong and what knowledge I can bring back to Lakeview to help them grow and how to fix them. On the one hand, I don't want to leave because it is safe and comfortable at Lakeview and I know it well. I really enjoy the people in Kidsland and Koinonia and Movement too. And even Catalyst. But I don't know if I want to enter a ministry where I feel like I have to give and give so much and just get so burnt out in the end again. They definitely need a culture shift and a group of individuals that genuinely value loving Christ more than just doing things because it's easy or convenient. Maybe I'll just serve in Kidsland and spend all my time there and with Koinonia instead. I do really enjoy hanging out with the parents and I think they have a lot of wisdom to share. I really enjoy just casually talking with Julie, Ed, PDubs, Jenny, Mike, Sung, even Lois, and the other adults too. And Lois, Jenny, and Julie have been sosososo more than willing to selflessly allow me to stay in their house. And I know they're adults and have a more stable income and there are a lot of other factors at play here. But it's the heart that really counts and matters. I know that my mom is paying for my rent right now. But if any of the Movement people ever needed a place to stay, I would be more than happy to allow them to sleep in my apartment. Really. But I know most of them wouldn't want to travel that far anyway so it doesn't really matter but that heart is there. They can eat my food and enter my home and use my gas and electricity to do whatever. And I also get that I just generally enjoy hosting too so it's different but the heart is there. It doesn't matter that I don't have a stable income or career yet. I genuinely care for my peers and because I do, I'm willing to let them stay in my place. And that heart is lacking in Catalyst. Sometimes I think they'll say, "I would let you do this or do this for you but..." There's always a but. But why? They aren't willing to give. And I know I shouldn't be so quick and harsh to judge but it's true, isn't it? I want to enter a community where I feel like I can rest and don't have to try so hard or worry about anything. And plus, sidenote, it's weird that the life groups leaders arent considered the leaders for Catalyst! They're separate entities! What do the life group leaders handle verses the general leaders then? Is it on Tim, Jeff, and Elsa to think of all the events and organize/plan everything? Why is that not also the responsibility of the life group leaders? Why can't they co-exist? And also, I feel like Elsa is kind of looked down upon and treated like an outsider bc I know Tim and Jeff are close. I'm pretty sure they both went to UChicago, met in Movement, and have been friends for a long while whereas Elsa came as a newcomer as an adult much later. And maybe I'm just being paranoid on behalf of her because shes my friend but at least what I've observed, it does seem like that. I see her as an equal and I think she sees me that way too. And I'm happy to have a friend I can be present and honest with like her. We've talked about some pretty deep things and I'm happy we can. And I think she is intentional and does genuinely care. But, sigh, I don't know. Am I just being selfish in all of this? Because I don't want to serve anymore? Because I don't want to feel the pressure or the need to serve because if I don't, no one else will? I just want to come as a newcomer and take it as it is and not have to worry about making it better and fixing it and I also know I've already been fed myself a lot this past year and I'm currently trying to feed right now. I'm really grateful for the seniors for being willing to feed me but I feel like they've been my friends as well and while I'm sure I havent been nearly as helpless, I think I was able to feed them too. Not as well as I could have but I think I did. We both don't know a lot. There's a lot beyond what our lens can currently expand over. I just. I want to have guidance and be fed again and be given advice and have people to look towards and not like it's all on me to put in all the effort and bring up all of these ideas. And it's honestly just a burden. I want to be willing to put in the effort because I genuinely care for the people in the ministry and honestly, having people that are also grateful for that. And I know that serving is a thankless job and I shouldn't expect any praise or grace in return BUT, it is just my human nature talking i suppose.i just asked David if he's going to leave Lakeview once he graduates and I'm planning on asking Cecilia why she decided to leave Lakeview. And I'm sure other factors would be at play here and I know I still have a whole year to decide and a lot can change within the ministry in the span of a year too.  But I am curious. Because I am tired of serving and giving and maybe it's just burnt out me talking but at least with college, I have the opportunity to rest at the end of a school year and restart things at the beginning of the new term. And we no longer have that option in Catalyst. You just have to push through and be intentional yourself and be the one to keep each other accountable. In a way, it's like everyone is serving just to be a Christian. I just, sigh, ahhh, i dont know. I'm just frustrated at the state of the ministry I guess and the prospect of having to start all over again from square one intimidates me and it isn't something I want to do. God, I just honestly really want to ask for guidance from you. I feel so much more at home and comfortable with my InterCP friends and I feel bad because I'm barely even involved in the organization. I just contribute to the discussions every now and then and show up for our check ins on Wednesdays. I'm just really tired I guess and feeling burnt out. And I know that I've allowed Johnathan, Jason, and Amanda to really strongly influence me this past year and I don't want to be so overly dependent on them or anyone else anymore. And I know Amanda and Jason are planning on leaving and checking out other churches in part because of the current state that Catalyst is in. But come on, even PJosh isnt super on board with them! I think theres a lot happening in Movement right now and a lot of change for the better. We're getting to be much more grounded and are unveiling our identity that fits who we are and our culture. And I really like it. But Catalyst is still figuring that out. I was just cleaning the ceramic wheels and while I was, I was thinking more on this topic. I think Catalyst needs to get closer with Koinonia and learn from them and look to them for guidance. Because their identity is still blurry and until they can figure that out, it'll be tough for us to look to them for guidance when they themselves are still trying to figure it out. I think Movement is getting to place where we can be people that Zion looks up to and I think that will bridge the gap between the two ministries and become more encouraging for youth group students to enter Movement once they return home for college instead of just hanging around with the other youth students. Oh also, I've always wanted to ask Cecilia why she decided to leave and just assumed it was in large part because of work and the location of it but she said that it isnt just something she can answer in a couple sentences and is worth meeting in person to discuss. So I guess this was a very long though out decision and I am excited to hear what her response is next week! Also, I asked David too and he said that he would probs stay at Lakeview if he decided to stay in Chicago bc while he would want to go back to his home church where it's familiar bc he feels he can grow more at Lakeview. Which I respect. Good for you, David! I just had a lot of fun chatting with Joyce and David in the senior banquet group chat and I'm glad that I can be more present and intentional with them and just joke around. I definitely want to catch up and hangout with them in a one-on-one setting again. I think we have and we do just by serving together or being driven home or late nights at Norris or whatever. But scheduling the time to hangout is a bit different, I think. Anyway, thank you for listening to my vent and allowing me to word dump, journal. I'll talk to you soon! As always,

Jess