#also his new tales model is perfect (EXCEPT FOR HIS NOSE!!!!) >

[timothylawrence]

i need to beat gearbox for doing this to his nose.... they really took everything from me

[monochromemedic]

Ashy Slashy

“What is that Ash?” “A long story, look for some reason that damn sky spider took all my hands and left me with this. Luckily it works... somehow.” He huffed raising the felt puppet on his hand and moving it’s mouth open and closed. “Listen if it starts saying shit, it ain’t me and you gotta cut this thing off pronto, you got me?” I stared into the black button eyes of the muppet, noticing how it was modeled directly after the man holding it. “So... it’s alive?” “Deadite, but I don’t know if those things are ‘alive’. Frankly I don’t give a shit, they all should be dead but the world ain’t perfect.” He grumbled twisting his hand towards himself to look the creature in the eyes. “You hear me? You should be dead buddy.” Silence. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.” I tried to picture what exactly this thing could do that was dangerous.  With all the stories Ash told, even the most mundane things could become dangerous when possessed by Evil. But those things usually transformed or had a dangerous quality to them already, some supernatural strength or claws and fangs. Unless this thing would suddenly grown bones, it’d have to be a rather weak demon wouldn’t it? Then again, that’s usually how these things work, they’d prey on your naive nature, your fears, every weakness you had, that was the deadites strength.  The night seemed to carry on without much trouble. Not a single sound from the puppet’s mouth despite the glares, insults and abuse from Ash to try to get it to talk. It was obvious he was paranoid, then again why wouldn’t he be. A deadite on your hand that you had to have or else be left without a limb. Sure he could have taken it off but having to be ready to run off into the fog at a moments notice to fight for your life was probably a good reason to take a risk, that or he couldn’t.... A few times I saw him walk off to the darkness, out of the light of the campfire to pull and yank at the puppet to no avail. He’d eventually sigh and go to the bathroom or return to the soft bustle of activity, acting like nothing had happened. As the ‘night’ carried on people began to settle in, grabbing their sleeping bags, ripped up mattresses or walking off into wherever the campfire had put us to find a place to sleep. Usually it was somewhere with enough stray objects to entertain ourselves, or something we could call our own private area at least until the campfire moved us to another campfire in another realm. I grabbed my blankets and pillows, settling down besides Ash’s stained mattress for the night. Ash’s chest rose and fell in monotonous motions, his face caught in a strange scene of peace. I smiled, beginning to close my eyes only to catch the shape of the puppet staring directly at me. A wave of discomfort flooded my senses and my brows knitted anxiously. He couldn’t be alive. Ash was trying all day to get him to speak, and deadites usually break a few minutes in. I just had to relax, I was just getting paranoid. “You got a staring problem toots?” My eyes shot back towards the puppet, it’s head now tilted at an angle it wasn’t at before.  Oh god Ash wasn’t crazy... “Well? I know I’m the most handsome guy around but unfortunately I’m not into fatties. But if I turn my head now maybe I can make it work...” He spoke, his pacman mouth opening and closing with every word. I’d feel insulted, well I did, but if what Ash said as true and he was a Deadite they preyed on the weakness of others.  “Why are you speaking now? You didn’t seem to speak to Ash all day.” I hissed, remembering Ash’s words to kill it as soon as it talked. As much as I’d love to tak his word, if what I saw was true Ash couldn’t get him off, and so I’d have to make a bit of a scene to try. And what to pry him off with was another question I didn’t have the answers to at the moment. “Like I could speak to him, not since what happened last time. It was like a bad break up, real messy.” The puppet smacked his chainsaw hand against Ash’s nose, moving the real Ash’s arm in the process. How the hell did he do that? How much control did he have over Ash? “So you gonna take me up on the deal? I’ve had to hold this guy’s dick in my mouth when he pissed, a guy could use a little stress relief. A motorboat would really get my motor running~” The puppet shook his head, making a loud motor boating sound as it lurched forward. I quickly grabbed it’s head and pushed it back, alarmed by how fast this thing could move. “Get the hell away from me you creep, you should be lucky I haven’t killed you by now.” “You really gonna listen to Ash’s tall tales. He’s probably going through dementia, he can’t remember what he had for breakfast. However, I know alot.” I raised a brow, sitting up from my collections of blankets and pillows. “What are you on about?” “I got a direct line to Ash’s twisted mind. Every and any dark secret you ever wanted to know from the man, I could give you for a low price.”  “...Any secret?” “Any. Secret. And oh boy does this guy keep em. First kiss, most embarrassing moment, what he’s packing... it’s all yours. All we gotta do is make a deal.” I turned away from the deadite, reaching for my glasses to hopefully find something to pry this guy off. “Sorry but I don’t make deals with demons. Those are Ash’s secrets. If he wants to tell me them, he can of his own free will. Also you could just lie or kill me before telling me anything so.” I moved towards the fire, picking up a nearby stick and lightening the end in fire before returning to the deadite, my hand wrapping around it’s neck tightly. The puppet began to squirm, arms wiggling in panic as the burning wood approached Ash’s arm. “Okay, Okay no deal, I’ll tell you straight up just let me stay on his nub! Don’t you wanna know how he feels about you?” Ashy Slashy squealed, desperation in every movement he could muster. I felt my hand pause, eyes shifting over to the sleeping figure just a few inches away. “He thinks you’re a pathetic little BITCH!” The muppet roared, it’s eyes now white, mouth full of razor sharp teeth. The creature managed to move it’s head in just the right position to sink it’s fangs into my hand causing me to yelp and jerk my hand away in pain. It didn’t let go, and pulled the still sleeping Ash along with him. Was he just a heavy sleeper or was it something unnatural, a forced sleeping state that Ashy Slashy put on him? My eyes darted around the area, at the lack of survivors around us except for Jeff a few feet away. Damn it why was he a heavy sleeper? “Ash wake up! Ash!”  “Too late babycakes, his body is all mine. Been working my way to his noggin all day~” The body jerked and with a sudden jolting movement  Ash sat up, his head slowly turning to face me despite his closed eyes. No way, was Ash really gone? No... no that couldn’t be, Ash survived hell and back, no way a stupid felt puppet was the one to do him in. The real Ash’s other arm shot out, gripping my shirt to pull me closer to his body. Ash could easy over power me, one hand or not. I still had a chance, I still had the stick. But where to aim? If the puppet really did have full control over Ash, would trying to jolt him awake by burning him do anything? I gripped the stick hard, using all my strength to pierce the puppet’s eye with the burning wood. A spurt of blood erupted from the socket, staining the felt and earning a scream from the bastard. A scream that lasting just long enough for it’s teeth to dislodge from my hand. I yanked the stick from the creature and began to scramble for Jeff, managing to grab the edge of his sleeping bag just as Ash’s arm wrapped around my leg, yanking me towards the fire pit. “You dumb whore, I was gonna go easy on you!” Ashy hissed, pushing my bare foot into the embers of the pit, causing a scream to rip from my chest. “Mmm, flame broiled bitch. My favorite!” The pain was intense and every second longer my foot stayed in the fire, the more I could feel the nerve endings begin to die, the smell of burning flesh filling the air around us. I gasped and pushed down the bile that began to form the more I thought about what was happening, trying to focus on the situation. I could do this, I just needed to wake Jeff up. I jabbed the stick into Jeff’s leg, twisting and digging the wood until it splintered under my strength. Jeff may have been a heavy sleeper, but even he wasn’t immune to being stabbed awake. His head rose sharply, nose scrunched in anger, ready to angrily bark at whoever caused him to wake, only to catch sight of the scene unfolding in front of him. “Jeff! Get the puppet off of Ash!” His eyes darted to Slashy, it’s head tilting at the new player in the game. “You really think homeless Jesus is gonna help you? You just made this one course meal a buffet! Jeff didn’t question me for a second, lurching forward and yanking with all his might at the creatures base. A loud, wet, ripping sound filled the air, one that seemed to grow in volume before being silenced by a clothesline strike from Ash, knocking Jeff to the ground. We laid in awe of the sight before us, crawling away from the lumbering figure that stood before us. Ash’s arm was soaked in rotten blood, blood not from himself but from the creature sitting atop his mutilated wrist. Where a clean cut should have been was instead tendons, ripped and torn connecting fabric to flesh. The muscles began to stretch, as Ashy rose, a mess of muscles raising it further from Ash’s arm like a cobra ready to strike.  The small chainsaw began to rev, before Slashy lurched towards Jeff, the umbilical cord snapping with such force a splatter of crimson painted the grass around us. Jeff’s raised hand was no protection from the saw, cutting into his palm with ease. If it wasn’t so tiny, it could have easily cut straight though the shield and into the skull of the survivor. Jeff cried in pain but tried his best to latch on to the puppet, following the only instructions he was given. I knew I had to help, despite the numbing pain in my foot, despite the horror pounding in my chest. We were getting somewhere, we could save Ash. I pushed myself upwards, rushing and slamming my weight against the slumbering chosen one. I felt his body follow through, our body’s falling against the mattress in a spray of blood and stray tendons. I heard the deadite scream in agony, screaming expletives before increasing in volume as Jeff threw it into the firepit, a surge of light erupting from the pit for the new kindling it had received. For a moment all was quiet. No screams, no sounds of movement. Only the sounds of ragged breaths and the roar of a well fed fire. My fingers clawed at Ash’s shirt, my nose brushing against his jawline as I begged for him to wake up. “Ash... Ashley? Ash, please wake up, come on...” I gritted my teeth, tears beginning to prick the edges of my eyes as I began to fear for the worse. “Wake up you old bastard!” I slapped his cheek, fingers leaving fresh lines of blood along his skin. The shock of pain seemed to do the trick as he groaned in pain, eyes snapping open. “Hng! Huh? What? What are you doing...on me...” His voice trailed off as he saw the gore in front of him, the man nursing his wound a few feet away, the bloodied clothes of the people around him. He cautiously raised his hand, seeing the puppet was no longer in his place but instead was place in the fire, the only trail of it was the strange muscly appendage that decorated the ground, leading it’s way back to Ash. “I knew that creep was up to something... I shouldn’t have gone to sleep.” Ash muttered, a tinge of regret lingering with every word. True regret for what had happened as if he had some control over the situation. I felt his arms wrap around me, his big hand beginning to rub circles to try to give some comfort to the horrifying situation. “He had you move... You weren’t waking up, I thought you... “ “Shh, hey... I wouldn’t go out like that are you kidding me? I ain’t going out to a muppet rip off.”  I shuttered against him, burying my face into his chest to hide the hot wet tears that began to fall with every shaky breath. He didn’t seem to judge, knowing the fear of losing loved ones all too well.

[reversecreek]

hi it’s me... clicks across the linoleum of the dash wearing high heels w a spray tan like i’m a member of jersey shore suddenly..... best summary of willa is that she got moira rose as her #1 chara on a What Character Are You Most Like personality test out of thousands of options.... says so much. u can find her pinterest here n her playlist here 😋 like this or hmu fr plots!!

* ashley moore, cis female + she/her  | you know willa deneurve, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, most of her life, on and off? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to watch me by the pom poms like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole sticking gold stars over old polaroids until you can barely see faces, dressing as marie antoinette at your high school prom & delivering fake laughter to a bratz doll you’re pretending is a talkshow host thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is august 1st, so they’re a leo, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt, she/her )

HISTORY:

willa ws born to honestly like….. the perfect family not to honk my own tit bt……………. they were jst rly quite wholesome. her mum celeste was this larger than life person who could never b contained by the four walls of any room she was in. she hd the presence of a gold glitter chess piece on an otherwise mundane wooden board. her dad marlon used to always joke that he had absolutely NO idea how he landed her bc he was just this like. rly average guy by all accounts n purposes….. blended into the sea in high skl……. had a few close friends but was never rly Notable or made a proper impression anywhere…… he always retold it as him coasting thru life until he met her in college. kind of like he’d been half awake before. they just Clicked n no-one cld believe she’d chosen him bt she was jst. completely head over heels n didn’t care what anyone had to say bc that was That

willa always very much took after celeste…… there’s this one quote i remember reading that goes vaguely like “my mom and i would sit and listen to leonard cohen and joni mitchell lyrics together. from a young age i remember her being like "i’m playing this song and when it’s done i want u to tell me what’s happening in it” n she would give me a fake glass of wine when i was 8 and i would listen and b like. i think there was an affair.” which so much summarises their dynamic…… she ws just so like. dramatic n fun n always encouraged that in willa too. her mum was like. everything she aspired to be…… got scouted by a modelling agency in college n shot one campaign before blowing it off simply bc she was bored. starred lead in a play. spent a few weeks travelling asia selling handmade candles shaped like koi fish or curled up foxes or elegantly stretched hands. dated a parisian movie star during a break she and her father took n was featured in tabloids on his arm at the premiere. sm fun n exotic stories willa literally cldn’t get enough. whenever she’d tell them to willa as a kid her dad wld roll his eyes like ohhhhh here she goes again but it’d all b playful n he’d smile bc he honestly cldn’t get enough either. the stuff dreams are made of luv (lizzie mcguire stans rise)

(car accident & death tw) so u know when ur walking down a flight of stairs n then out of nowhere u miss a step n u get that lurch in ur stomach like ur in free fall? yeah. i won’t go into it too much but one night they were driving back from getting frozen yogurt and then suddenly they weren’t. she doesn’t rly remember much about it except for completely ignoring the doctors trying to give her the news and just saying “dad chose pecan. who chooses pecan?” n repeating that over n over n over until it didn’t rly register in her ears as english any more.

willa was uprooted from irving at 11 to go n live w her aunt in NY. this was like. a huge adjustment honestly….. her aunt blanche hd always been a little unconventional bt extremely glamorous. she lived in an old defunct theatre she’d bought out n came from a lot of money. willa’s mum’s side of the family hd always been well off bt celeste opted to live a little more Ordinarily shall we say after settling whereas blanche ws jst balls to the walls dripping w eccentric excess…. wld say she was never naked bc she ws always wearing black opium by yves saint laurent…… probably the living embodiment of la vie boheme….. she’d been admitted a yr early to a rly prestigious parisian design school n is an AMAZING seamstress. a corset she stitched a broadway star into got commissioned fr an actress’ red carpet walk at an indie film festival. rly just lived such a life rich w lots of stories n lots of talent too…… had that star quality essence tht her mum had n that was smthn willa found quite comforting everything considered.

(grief tw) u would think maybe a situation like this (one involving so much sudden change) wld cause a kid of tht age to withdraw into her shell bt willa only came out of her shell MORE. she coped w her situation by spinning it into a celebrity origin story inside her head. the tear jerker tale someone tells during their x factor audition to get the judges rooting for them. mentally streamlining things. repackaging all that hurt as a surefire ticket to success bc it had to be useful for something right? there had to b a point to it right? willa decided the point was she’s a star. KFHSGKFHGFKHGKJSFHG. get it girl….. she ws literally just like ok well clearly i’m destined to be famous n i’m the main character of this story. this story called earth. it’s all about me.

rly heavily immersed herself in her high skl theatre scene……. loved experimenting w fashion n literally wore the most outlandish things like. she treated the hallways like her milan f/w debut every new school yr…… a lot of the things she wore were actual like. costumes frm her aunt’s collection…… she has a multi-story closet u have to climb ladders to reach things in like a very rustic library…. it rly wasn’t uncommon for willa to turn up one day corsetted like a pirate with billowing sleeves or sporting the baby blue gingham of a swedish milk maid. it’s like she literally jst…… became a role. always. every day. the world ws her stage. the cameras were always rolling. her aunt only encouraged this tbh n honestly? icon. we love to see it. willa partied a bunch n rly lived a lax lifestyle where responsibility was concerned…. her aunt ws her best friend…… made rly gd friends with performers in the drag club scene n loved the glitz of that….. lots of wild nights turned grossly bright mornings

snagged an agent fresh into her first yr of college (she gt accepted to a pretty competitive theatre program at [redacted] in NY bc i haven’t looked into what that wld be yet <3 i’m merely a helpless british lass <3) n booked a few commercials n things….. when i say willa wld enter audition rooms like she owned the place i’m rly not exaggerating…. once she turned up to a casting call for MEN n just walked right to the front of the line scraping a random chair along the way n then took a seat w her legs crossed popping a bubble in her gum as they all glared at her like wtf is literally going on who are u. she received several complaints n she was just like “ur all acting so jealous of me….”

i feel like she got a pretty big role in a theatre production in her last yr at school. haven’t decided what yet. maybe smthn rocky horror or even mimi in rent. this was meant to b some like huge moment for willa like yes girl finally making it ur on ur way this is what u wanted n she WAS happy abt it but once it was wrapped she jst had this strange like Huh feeling in her chest……. n a la celeste w all her exciting stories was just like well i’ve done that so what’s next? i think she’d graduate n then jst suddenly decide to move to irving in a fit of impulse. to all her college friends she’d be like “ugh a beach retreat is so necessary honestly the city is sooooooooo toxic this place cld literally enlarge my pores if i wasn’t so rigorous with my skincare routine” bt like 🤔 what u seeking girl? results pending.

SO basically i feel like she finally moved back to irving little over a yr ago. she hd a brief stint starring on a reality tv show tht filmed in one of the larger beach houses where her dog gained a handful of fan accounts dedicated to him……. u maybe will see why in the first bullet point of her personality section………… FKGHKSHFGGKFSHKHG. honestly she ws received pretty well too (mostly bc she’s so fking dramatic n like a caricature of a person) bt it wasn’t anything to warrant actual Fame (despite what willa herself might think). she’s mostly jst like. chilling honestly. accepting scripts n flying out fr auditions still. she’ll nab the occasional part bt she’s looking for that One Thing that rly feels like her big moment….. otherwise i cn just imagine her treating irving like a little dollhouse compared to the roaring mansion of NYC n having fun playing around in it. strikes a pose w a hand on my hip…. and now to personality.

PERSONALITY:

got a very large n lithe greyhound n named him marlene dietrich bc she was a black n white hollywood starlet famously known for her affairs n “bedroom eyes”. willa was like ugh. icon status instantly. didn’t rly foresee the responsibilities tht came w owning a dog tht loves exercise n complains abt him being like “ugh he wants to run soooooooooo much 🙄 like where are u literally going”. having said tht loves him dearly n he can often be seen wearing little clothes. a baby’s bonnet. a quilted leather waistcoat. a custom dog boa. he’s very glamorous. willa calls him a gay icon despite no evidence to support this theory. she also says he can sniff out evil in ppl so she brings him sometimes when she’s first introduced to a friend’s new bf n if his nose quivers a certain way she’s like “marlene has spoken. it’s done”. her friends r like omg? what’s done? willa gets up n walks away without elaborating. marlene’s little paws clicking along the floor w attitude.

literally dressed as marie antoinette for her high skl prom even tho there was no theme pertaining to this. jst loves the spotlight. can fake cry and WILL to get out of a parking ticket or teach someone to watch their tone or even simply for the theatrics of it all. the Most dramatic………….. rly fits being an actress like when people find out what she does it’s very like oh that makes sense.

says she doesn’t get hangovers. she’s just like “i revoked that it doesn’t happen to me”. alludes tht this is bc she’s an all powerful deity that was Chosen to be Blessed bt really she’s jst great at bouncing back n acting fine even w a blistering headache. it’s about believing the performance so much that u even convince urself.

has an extremely elevated sense of self importance bc this is kind of the equivalent of several layers of bubble wrap to cushion her frm the world. strives to b extraordinary bc ordinary honestly feels like a death sentence n there’s nothing she’d want to b seen as less. despite this weight she puts on that she rly doesn’t tend to let ppl’s opinions affect fr the most part like she’s quite firmly set in this I’m Literally The Most Gorgeous And Beautiful Angel Star Creature To Walk This Narsty Little Earth view

probably an incredibly big fan of dramatic short lived love affairs. she wants the glamour of it all. the scandal. the randomly breaking up w someone in a public place n sliding on sunglasses after delivering the words over a freshly ordered coffee (tht she’ll leave without drinking bc that’s star power babey she waits fr no man or no hot beverage)…….. has no preference gets w any n all regardless of gender……… romanticises things so they hv a better spin or story in her head n doesn’t rly take things seriously like jst has fun in her fantasy world…. she’s like ugh chuck i know u wanted to marry me but i’m a beautiful bird in a cage n u literally need to undo the latch n set me free……. the guy’s like……. my name’s chase n we’ve only been on two dates….. willa’s like…… please don’t take this so hard i can tell ur besides urself but people r starting to stare……. gets up n leaves. no-one was staring. chase is confused n honestly probably semi concerned fr her welfare.

always has to b the hottest n most glamorous person in a grocery store…. probably goes to them when she doesn’t even need anything jst holding a basket nonchalantly over her forearm glancing over at a cashier in her wizard of oz corset seamed interpretation on a dorothy dress thinking he wants me soooo bad it’s not even funny….. seduces him over the check out counter jst for him to ask her to come back to his so she can lean back scandalised n cry “IS THAT THE KIND OF WOMAN U THINK I AM, PAUL?! YOU’RE A GHASTLY LITTLE MAN, YOU ARE….” with all the gusto of a telenovela. attracts the shocked glances of all surrounding elderly.

speaks fluent french. probably on her brief stint on tht reality show i mentioned earlier was like “ugh can you believe Deneurve of this guy?” n in her head was like this catchphrase is sensational it’ll catch on fast the twittersphere is abt to implode but it didn’t become a thing except for in a small isolated community. despite this she’s like “yeah it went viral….. go figure. just another day in the life.”

honestly like a lot of fun bt also a huge handful at the same time. keeps her real Serious emotions in a locked box bt is always overflowing w melodramatics n rly giving her all at the drop of a hat where Performing is concerned. probably Loves parties n sees them as another form of production in which she wants to b the lead. rly just. loves herself. except does she? 🤔 lifts my hand up like rihanna n winks. find out next time. lucky by britney plays as i slowly disintegrate in spiderman rp…..

WANTED CONNECTIONS

unrequited flame: willa burns thru people like matches. bright n fast. honestly i feel like she struggles to take romance seriously so it cld be fun to play around with someone who’s been singed by that in the past…. mayb they hd actual feelings whereas willa was just messing around n having fun…. living la vida loca so to speak…….. we can discuss a time frame or specifics to expand upon this but. sexy angst perhaps.

those she knew from childhood: willa moved to NY at 11 n i feel like it was very sudden n soon after the accident. maybe she didn’t even say goodbye. maybe they were rly close n all of a sudden she didn’t show up to school the next day n when they rode past her house on their bike the sign said sold and that was that. honestly very dramatic of her even at a young age. we love a disappearing act. houdini who?

acting rival: honestly jst feel like this cld be funny. willa’s so dramatic she’d be like i literally want them dead they’re a despicable little gremlin fr trying to steal my spotlight. cld be as simple as having auditioned a few times fr the same parts or something.

childhood sweetheart: i think it cld be rly cute n sad if there was someone that kind of echoed the dynamic her mum n dad had except she was the celeste n they were the marlon…. (open to any gender)…….. so like. willa was always very larger than life commanding attention in a room n they were more to the sidelines but they just kind of got each other n brought out the best in one another. added angst to the fact tht willa wld maybe want to avoid them as much as possible now bc it dredges up feelings she doesn’t want to confront where her parents r concerned n also in a way any possibility of them winding up together feels like sellotaping an expiration date to both of their foreheads in willa’s brain

someone who was either a fan of or also on the reality show willa was: i imagine it like a reinvention of the hills honestly except based in these irving beach houses…. probably didn’t run that long bt there was a bunch of drama on it mostly staged…… maybe they were willa’s love interest bt it was all fake fr the cameras…… it wasn’t like. a huge deal n didn’t rly catch flight so much where popularity’s concerned bt. cld be fun to play with <3

patti frands: jogs in high knees to translate that into party friends as i adjust my spectacles. willa’s very sociable bt she’s also like kind of full of herself n obnoxious so do with that what u will. KFHGKSHGKGHFSKG. she knows hw to have a gd time tho like growing up she was rly into the gay club scene n the drag scene in NY so like. let’s hear it fr the gays who know how to do it right <3

someone equally over the top: i luv the idea of willa having someone who just like runs with made up scenarios n roles she makes up on the spot n them hanging out is like a 24/7 improv session tht they reel random surrounding strangers just fr the fun thrill

the other woman: willa is quite detached n selfish so she wld easily be the other woman in a relationship n not care about it n this cld make for good spice <3

[anonimo-infinito]

Yeyeyeyeyey!!! Here. I translated it (Of course I used google translate so... um... don’t expect too much lol)

Original: https://poder-de-las-palabras.tumblr.com/post/182530605067/wooo-un-cuento-que-termin%C3%A9-ayer-y-que-va-directo 

The River

After the disappearance of Nicole Hernandez, panic flooded in the most prestigious boarding school of young ladies. It was exasperating, for teachers and students, to see how the police continually interrupted the classes to get and interrogate a few of my classmates.

Nicole was the almost stereotypical perfect girl: perfect grades, kind, popular, with all the boys from the neighboring boarding school chasing her every day, loved by everyone (teachers and classmates) and with an incredible culinary sense - in fact, from both interned, nothing was served at the table that she hadn’t tried before. And I say almost because, when you think of girls like her, you imagine the white and tall blond girl with blue eyes, a fine nose, a role model, etc., etcetera. However, it was not like that, in fact, it was the opposite: she was simple, the shortest of all of the students, barely visible in a crowd (except for her high ponytail), curly black hair, she was chubby as every free time she had, she used it to buy one or another craving, but it has to be said, she didn’t care, her self-esteem was as high as her grades; sports was not for her, she was always the last one running, the one that failed blaying basketball and the one that missed the soccer ball before kicking it. Nicole had a remarkable feature, it was the characteristic that made everyone be enchanted by her: her voice; soft and sweet, like honey and a summer breeze, it is not a description that I do, it is an institutional agreement, however, it is true, her voice (and her hair) brought me crazy.

Everyone knew her, there was no one that didn’t know at least her name. Nicole was in charge of welcoming the new ones, participating as judge in competitions and was one of the main organizers of the extracurricular activities.

She and I shared the love of nature; she, on one hand, enjoyed it as a hobby while I, on the other, devoted all my study and thought to the idea of ​​becoming a botanist. We met by accident one night planned by destiny, and I don’t refer to “destiny” as a cheesy, I speak of destiny as a written fact, predetermined otherwise it would have been impossible to know each other -the only moment in which the two schools could They lived on weekends, only five hours (Saturday morning and Sunday afternoon, with a meal and rest in the garden) and, really, little was the coexistence, if only one to two mixed groups talking amicably , but the others as far away as they could.

As I was saying, Nicole and I found ourselves at the entrance of a cave passing the river. It was the second week and we both had broken the first rules of the boarding school. “The walks through the garden beyond the established limits will be punished with the expulsion from the school” and “any student outside the institute’s facilities more than 9:30 p.m. will be punished with the suspension of classes for one more week. cleaning of said facilities ”. But this, none of us cared. I discovered Nicole with a flashlight in her mouth, drawing lienas in a notebook; his drawing skills were not good, but he could capture the structures of what he drew. She jumped when I approached her from behind, thinking that the ranger had caught her. We spent all that night talking about our tastes and, she, just told me that she wanted to go into the different caves that were distributed in the territory of the school, believing to find some other evidence of ancient civilization.

The escapades continued and went from being weekly to practically daily. It was our shared space and, like a classic tale of love, I could say that I fell in love; However, more than love was admiration and devotion to her. I respected her deeply. Also, Nicole, she became the only person with whom I felt safe.

A few days after the complaint of his disappearance, a first-grade girl found a corpse on the shore of the lake while doing a practice for a subject; He shouted such a shout that he alerted both institutes and the gossip ran before the police arrived to see the scene.

And the endless questionnaires began.

At first I thought they would call me, but nobody really knew about our escapades, much less that we talked to each other. In fact, Nicole herself had told me that she would prefer not to tell anyone about me, since she felt that this would make recesses weird because her friends would playfully mock our friendship.

The police spoke with the director to find out who Nicole used to relate to, clearly, the director replied that her friends were the most popular girls at school. However, they also called a girl named Lauren, whom Nicole used to talk to often; according to her friends they were not so close and only helped each other to study, but I knew that Lauren knew each and every one of Nicole's secrets, in a few months they had become the best friends and they did almost everything together. Lauren commented that not only did she have friends at the Señoritas Institute, but also that there was a group of boys she used to hang out with. And so the police came to the building where I was.

Shortly after the in-depth investigation, those responsible for it, interrupted one of my classes for the first time and I felt that my heart would pop out of my mouth. Nicole was my friend, of course she wanted them to know what had happened to her, her parents had a right to know, just like Lauren, but she did not know if she would have the courage to talk to cops about anything about her. For the simple fact that our escapades were forbidden, not only would they consider me the suspect number one and a cold-blooded killer, but they would also expel me from school and any chance to get on with my school life. When the list of names was finished, I was able to breathe again, although, although I tried to return my attention to the class, my mind was elsewhere.

The investigation ended, almost a month after his complaint, with the police taking Matias Flores.

It would make sense that the police had hired him as Nicole's suspect and killer. She herself, by the way she referred to him, seemed scared of his presence.

That night, that of the supermoon, that of the departure that we had planned in advance to visit a cave slightly further away than the rest, she had not wanted to go. At the entrance to the forest he told me that he had spoken with Matías, he wanted to go out with her and, as we all know in both institutes, he does not have the fame of the gentleman if not the opposite. Nicole told me that they had argued because she had no interest in being with him, and that when she made a move to leave, he grabbed her arm and approached her violently, hurting her. If Lauren had not intervened, Nicole was afraid that Matthias might have done her some harm.

I told him that to clear it, we could go to the caves before it was done later and, with my continuous insistence, finally my wish was granted.

We crossed the first meters of tall, wooded trees, the fireflies and dragonflies met where it was in the river and illuminated, along with our lanterns, the narrow trunk that was on the bridge. We were moving away more and more from the limits to which we were accustomed. At first we thought we were going in a good direction, however, after wandering a few minutes, we felt completely disoriented, and it was, when deciding to retrace our steps, when it started to rain.

We kept silent, as if we were afraid that through sound we would meet another person who was not the other. Suddenly a light, which was not from the moon or our lanterns, rotated on the floor. "The ranger" I thought. Next, we turned off our light source and hid behind trees to see if we lost the caregiver, maintaining the hope that he had not seen us.

"Whoever it is, get out," he said in his thick voice.

We looked at each other terrified, but both, as if we read our minds, counted to three and we left running, letting the moon guide our steps. The man kept hurrying us in his step and ours too. We ended up running through the muddy forest; even without being able to see well where we were going, because the rain made it impossible to distinguish that there were three steps away. After a while of chase, we could hear the river running, as well as see the shadow of what the bridge was.

I quickened my step, with the idea in my head that nobody should know that I was out until so late. With the greatest possible care, I went through the trunk that creaked under my feet. I was so wet that I could not tell if the water that was wetting my sneakers was from the river or from the rain that fell on us. I stumbled over the bridge and kept running when a scream sounded in the forest.

"Nicole," I thought. I stopped dead and it seemed like everything else too.

Time came back to life and I fled from where I had come from, without bothering to meet the ranger. I heard the river again -bravo and scandalous- as well as gasps of unbridled effort to escape certain death.

"Nico!" I yelled and she responded with another cry for help so I could locate her. The force with which the raindrops fell had diminished considerably, so that I could already distinguish where I was. My friend had slid off the trunk and was holding on to the unstable land covered with wet leaves. The river had grown enough to cover Nicole's knees, preventing her from doing more than just grabbing and praying that the river would not continue to grow.

With my heart about to come out of my chest, I ran to the nearest tree with low branches; I tried to start one to help her climb. No tree gave way and the cluster of slippery leaves that I was walking did not help either. My head was spinning, I decided to look on the floor to see if I was lucky, but I only managed to get my clothes and hands dirty.

Another scream with my name alerted me because a desperation and terror trembled in the humid air. I turned in his direction, the water splashed the shore and there were only fingers clinging anguished to the earth that was falling apart between them.

I felt that I stopped breathing. It seemed that the space between where I was and where the river flowed was immense, just as every step, however hasty it took, took me further away from Nicole.

To top it off, the treacherous mattress under my feet, he played his game and I ended up with a muddy face. I got up without waiting for a second and flew to the shore. When I arrived, the river had taken it.

I stared at him, unable to process anything of what had happened. I stared at him while, this one, he played to cross the limit once again.

I returned with slow and calm step to the boarding school, without being able to contain the tears that ran for my face. Already back, nobody never suspected me, or the exits. I made my life again, I stopped going to the forest, like the idea of ​​being a botanical biologist and turned to neurology.

From time to time, in that time of tension, and even now it happens, they used to wake me up with the cries of Nicole asking for help and the cries of Matías praying for a little credibility.

In the end, the river took two innocents, a dream and a secret to the depths of its waters.

( @mkayisinsane please tell me what do you think! When you can of course!)

[winterknights]

WinterKnights - Anonymous Masterlist

This year's winterknights fest hit a fantastic total of 43 fanworks, including 7 pieces of art, 5 fic/art combos, and 31 fics. A huge thank you goes out to everyone who participated and supported the fest in its third year – you rock. Please continue to enjoy these wonderful creations and share your love with the creators below! Reveals will be going up early next week. ART ♥ When we fell in love, it snowed [Merlin/Arthur – G] They fell in love in winter. ♥ My Yule Tradition [Merlin/Arthur – G] Merlin always loved Yuletide but while Uther was king, the feast was banned from the kingdom. Therefore Arthur decided to celebrate it with Merlin secretly. Ever since that day, they kept their tradition. ♥ One Cup of Sugar, Two Cups of Magic [Merlin/Gwaine – G] Merlin and Gwaine do some Christmas baking! Or rather: Merlin bakes some cookies, and Gwaine is not very helpful. ♥ My Favourite Clotpole [Merlin/Arthur – G] You are my favorite Christmas gift. ♥ Winter Light [Merlin/Arthur – G] Merlin and Arthur enjoy their moments in the warm glow of Christmas lights. ♥ Santa is coming to town [Gwaine – G] Gwaine has a list and he's checking it twice 🎶 ♥ The Set-Up [Merlin/Arthur – G] When it's painfully obvious that two friends like each other and it reaches the point where everyone else starts an intervention that doesn't include actual confrontation that leads to a holiday lunch date with an ill-placed mistletoe. (No one will claim the idea as theirs) ART + FIC ♥ Like an Angel [Merlin/Arthur – 195w – PG-13] Merlin reminisces about his first Christmas with Arthur: a blond angel that fell from the sky! ♥ A Soft Spot [Merlin/Arthur – 889w – M] Arthur tells Merlin he wants to be more than friends. ♥ I get knocked down [Gwen/Morgana – 1248w – G] It was seemingly just another day working at the ice rink for Gwen, helping skaters stay on their feet. She hadn’t bargained on being swept off her own feet. ♥ In the Bleak Midwinter [Balinor/Hunith – 517w – G] Canon AU. Merlin turns up in Ealdor shortly after the events of 2x13, bringing a surprise guest to celebrate Yule with his mother. ♥ Ice Princess [Gwen/Morgana – 1709w – PG] Gwen’s attention is captured by the new girl at the ice rink. FIC ♥ Fried Chicken for Christmas [Merlin/Arthur – 27k – PG-13] When Vivian makes a comment to their friends, insinuating that Arthur is not the most passionate of people, hurt and embarrassed, Arthur decides to make her a homemade Christmas feast to prove that he can be romantic. After he almost sets the building on fire three times, help comes to him in the form of his neighbour from 514, a tall lanky fellow named Merlin, with two of the worst behaved dogs Arthur has ever encountered, who offers to teach him how to cook. Except, as their lessons progress, Arthur slowly comes to realise that Vivian may not be the one he really wants to cook for, but only if he has the courage to let go of all of his fears, and reach for the one thing he truly wants for Christmas. ♥ Shall We Dance? [Merlin/Arthur – 4473w – PG-13] It’s time for the Yule Ball, and Arthur has no idea how he’ll muster up the courage to ask out his crush, Merlin, so he suggests they go as just friends instead. Will it go well, or will there be hurt feelings and broken hearts at the end of the evening? ♥ Underneath the Tree Radio Mix (with some caffeine in between) [Elena/Mithian – 2398w – G] Elena's been pining over Mithian forever. Christmas may be just the time to rip off the plaster and let her know. ♥ A Present (From the Past) to Remember [Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Mordred – 4600w – R] Merlin has searched high and low to find the perfect Christmas present for his boyfriend, but perhaps someone else will appreciate it more. ♥ turn the white snow red [Merlin/Arthur – 7300w – M] There are tears on his cheeks by the time he's finished, but he wipes them away without acknowledgement. Pointless to cry over what must be done. Pointless to waste his tears on a sorcerer. ♥ Ice Bound [Gwaine/Percival – 1279w – G] Gwaine wants Percival to share his passion for skating. ♥ Love, Patience, Valour and Aster [Merlin/Arthur – 5916w – G] It’s the night after Camelot’s Yule celebration and no one even acknowledges that it’s the anniversary of Merlin’s birth. Not Gaius, not Arthur nor the knights. Of course, Arthur seems to have decided that it’s best to start the year as he means to go on, by being an enormous prat. But is he really? ♥ Art Class [pre-Merlin/Arthur – 862w – PG-13] Merlin fills in as a model for Percy's art class; it's as bad as he's expecting, but it's also kind of good. ♥ Let it snow [Merlin/Arthur – 1001w – G] Arthur doesn't like that he has to pick up his sister's Christmas present. The weather makes him even unhappier. ♥ An Arthurian Christmas Carol [Merlin/Arthur – 8514w – PG-13] Merlin hasn’t wanted anything to do with Camelot for many years now. But this winter solstice brings with it a spirit that shows Merlin his self-enforced solitude can bring about nothing but more misery. Merlin must change his ways before all that can be is lost forever. ♥ Just a Little Push for Santa [Merlin/Arthur, various side pairings – 3411w – PG-13] So, yeah, Arthur and Merlin were ridiculous and obvious, and Gwen was drunk and absolutely not responsible for the spillage of words that came from her mouth -- or whatever consequences it brought. ♥ Merlin's New Neighbour [Merlin/Arthur – ~2600w – PG-13] Shaggy blond hair, tall, blue eyes, and the most kissable lips. And shirtless.Talk about lust at first sight. ♥ Be Of Good Cheer [Arthur/Gwen – 935w – G] Canon AU. Camlann is over, and Arthur reigns triumphant over Albion. Gwen basks in the beginning of Camelot’s Golden Age. ♥ The Longest Night [Merlin/Arthur - 3231w - G] After magic is finally legalised in Camelot Merlin wants to make amends to the gods. The Winter Solstice celebrations create a perfect opportunity. ♥ At the Skating Rink [pre-Gwen/Morgana – 717w - G] Gwen's working late, but a few late customers make up for it. ♥ First Time Santa [Merlin/Arthur – 3479w – G] Merlin's never celebrated Christmas, so, maybe - just MAYBE - he's going a little overboard in preparing for his children's first one. As in, making his house look like a Hallmark film site. ♥ Jack Frost nipping at your nose [Merlin/Gwaine, Gwaine/Leon – 1525w - G] In Holly Lane lives a man and his twin daughters and a moody tenant. These have caught the attentions of a certain Guardian of Fun, Merlin Frost, who seems to think that frost and snow are fitting gifts for Christmas. What's going on? ♥ When At First You Don’t Succeed, Try Again x 5 [Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Will (minor) – 8500w – M] Arthur and Merlin have spent five New Year’s Eves together and have yet to kiss for various reasons: they’ve been interrupted, were ill, wanted to take things slow, had to care for a sick parent. Perhaps their sixth New Year’s Eve together will be their lucky charm. ♥ A Timeless Tale [Merlin/Arthur – 6035w – T] Bookshop owner Merlin Emrys had hoped that a Christmas eve snowstorm would mean he could go home early. But not everything goes to plan. Enter, Arthur Pendragon, the last minute shopper from hell. ♥ For Evermore [Merlin/Arthur – 1313w – PG] Merlin promised Arthur he would stay with him on Christmas and he had every intention to follow through. Even if it meant he had to Fall. ♥ Monmouth and Company [Merlin/Arthur – 7300w – PG-13] When property tycoon Uther Pendragon buys the building that houses Merlin's bookshop, it ruins Merlin's Christmas and threatens the whole future of the shop. Luckily he isn't the only one who loves this quirky place where writers can come and stay for free. His friends decide to try and convert Arthur Pendragon to their cause… ♥ Olden Days, Golden Days [Merlin/Arthur – 863w – PG] It’s December 1944 and the Hollywood Canteen is a popular spot for any serviceman looking for a respite from war. Arthur Pendragon, a soldier on sick leave meets an interesting volunteer who changes his night. ♥ It’ll Be Here for Christmas? [Merlin/Morgana – 1285w – G] Merlin orders his girlfriend Morgana the best gift, only it won’t arrive in time for Christmas, so he goes out to find another present. ♥ Oatcakes and Honey [Merlin/Arthur – 1562w – PG] Arthur's offering proves quite pleasing to one of the faerie folk. ♥ Meet Me in the Sky (We Were Waiting for You) [Merlin/Arthur, Merlin/Gwaine, Arthur/Gwaine – 3319w – G] Gwaine wants to invite Merlin to the Winter Formal. Merlin's sure the whole thing is aimed at Arthur. Arthur, of course, thinks Merlin is an idiot. ♥ wintercearig [Merlin/Arthur – 16,155w – NC-17] Rise of the Guardians fusion/AU. Arthur always wears at least three layers in the winter, and he sleeps with an electric blanket and the heating on from late autumn until the middle of spring. Of those who know him, Morgana is the only one who notices, but she knows better than to say anything. If asked, Arthur will only claim it’s because he feels the cold more than most people. It's not even really a lie. ♥ The Gift at Yule [Merlin/Arthur – 3882w – G] At Yule Arthur had started a new tradition - changing one of the laws or bringing in a new one. This year he was intending doing something spectacular. Something that would change lives. Especially Merlin’s. ♥ The Yule Feast [Merlin/Arthur, various – 17,927w – NC-17] After famine forces Arthur to cancel the Yule Feast, the knights invite their unhappy king to a special celebration of their own. It's too bad that Merlin has the night off. At least Gwaine is at the party, passing out his special spiced wine—and not off snogging Arthur's servant somewhere, thank the gods. The company is pleasant, the wine potent. But the knights are up to something, and Arthur is too hungry and miserable to deal with it. If only he could figure out what they were having for dinner… ♥ Fated [Merlin/Arthur – 792w – G] To Arthur’s surprise and annoyance, he finds his soulmate on New Year's Eve. ♥ The One That Counts [Merlin/Arthur, other – 2227w – G] Five times Arthur didn't kiss Merlin at New Year's festivities, and the one time he did. ♥ And Then It Came, A Melody [Merlin/Arthur – 775w – G] Merlin wakes up to the new year, where nothing seems to be the same anymore.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 8

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Kroll Show: Gigolo H-O-R-S-E *"Horse not whores."* 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: "The Wasp Woman" a Roger Corman flick *"Anaphylactic schlock."* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Max Headroom: Grossberg's Return *MTV Rocks the Vote for Hillary Clinton by getting its viewers to tune out and tune in to The Jersey Shore / Real World.* 2 1/2 stars

Blind Date (Deluxe Edition) *Raunchy reality show uncensored material and bloopers from the early 2000s. It's strange to see just how much the fashions have changed. That California douchebag & slut 'look' is a real time capsule (1998? - 2004?) of guilty pleasure to gawk at.* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Watcher *Redneck androids and a test tube Alice in Wonderland un-birthday.* 3 stars

Branson Famous: The Brangelina of Branson *In a town that's stuck in a rhinestone americana timewarp, a family of big haired and big belt buckle entertainers step all over each other in pointy boots in order to be the shining star in a fading industry of entertaining a dwindling crowd of retiree tourists.* 2 stars

==== My Big Redneck Family: Redneck Wedding

*Tater salad turned bad, but the "Shamepain" still tastes good, I guess.

Tom Arnold is giddy to host a reality show that's structured and shot like a sitcom similar to Modern Family.

The presentation isn't half bad, but it's the same lowest common denominator behavior for the camera and those tired, cliche confessionals that all reality shows are required to have.

At least Branson Famous is original in its confessionals which are tacky singing confessionals that turn into sing offs.

Also, I want to know how theme weddings like 'Redneck Weddings' are still considered to be traditional.

Sorry, queers, ya'll are weird, but cut off shorts, beer cans on the front row, and written vows about picking up tighty whiteys covered in trail marks so that the wife doesn't have to is considered a sacred ceremony.* sodomy or skidmarks I vote skid

2 stars

=============================================================

Newsreaders: How Sausage Is Made *A sausage making factory is turned into one of those pretentious millenials start up companies with a hilariously loose atmosphere, and it's visited and documented by a parody of one of those hipster nerd website's sexy cosplay chick who's one of those tries way too hard to be all about nerd culture wannabes. Also, Stevie, from Eastbound & Down, plays a lottery winner whose newly overly rich lifestyle makes him easy to despise.* 2 stars

X Files: Genderbender *The close knit community of Aphrodite and androgyne.* 3 stars

Hippies: Sexy Hippies *"I'm free. Nothin' worryin' me." Except for the fact that being a male, I think about sex every six seconds.* close to 3 stars

Impractical Jokers: Welcome to Miami *Beached Mer-man struggles in the sand for jelly donuts and an alligator is forced to wear a backpack.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Jonny Quest: The Calcutta Adventure *Jolly Jolly Hadji* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Fanny and the Professor *"Touch my mouth, Louise!" Heatwave haywire.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Rinse Dream presents "Party Doll A Go-GO #2" (1991) *Jungle boogie sock-it-to-me shin-dig squeal flick.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Love Stinks --------------

 *Nookie with no strings attached because Freddy cut them.* 3 stars

*Re-Animator as a yuppie pizza shop cannibal.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------

"Meatballs Part 2" (1985) *PG rated sex comedy with E.T. and Pee Wee Herman.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death *After his state overturns the death penalty, unemployed electric chair technician William Sadler takes his executioner's blues to the street.* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Child Abuse *Mort shows off his devilishly red socks and lets people pour their hearts out about that once dirty secret of the family that has come more to light in recent years as something not to hide.* 3 stars

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown" (2014) *Three different time periods entwined into a true crime homage to drive-in slasher movies like Friday the 13th part 2. It's not perfect, but it's prettier than a postcard with red eye gravy spilled over it. Did I say postcard? I meant porkchop. A porkchop with red eye gravy spilled over it. Well, maybe not that pretty. Porkchop, mmm.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Pilot Episode *Aztecs, snakes, Geckos, demons, Texas Rangers, Mexican cartels, and last of all 21 year old white chicks (how and why did they escape so easy? makes little sense.).* between 2 and 2 1/2 and stars

Rifftrax presents "Terror At Tenkiller" *"More like timefiller at Tenkiller." Pointless small talk, routine walking and driving, mundane lake activity, creepy jerks, generic background music, plus slight instances of side-boob.* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Tim & Eric - Bedtime Stories: Baby *The true horror is seeing Tim & Eric amuse themselves by getting odd looking middle-aged men to perform absurd fetish acts. Dr. Steve Brule's manchild cousin Jordan gets scammed by Tim & Eric, and Roseanne's Laurie Metcalf makes a show stealing cameo.* 2 stars

Finding Bigfoot: Paranormal Squatchtivity *Bobo, Ranae, and the other two dingbats travel to some isolated farms and woods in Pennsylvania that look straight out of Night of the Living Dead. They're searching not just for bigfoot, this time, but boo bumps in the night. They also make a sacrificial offer to the bigfoot by dumping bloody guts and powdered donut dust on a rock.* 1 star for the spook and squatch stuff 2 1/2 stars for the natural lighting, non-nightvision, picturesque shots of rural Pennsylvania

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Lonely Ghost *An early 90s mallrat Tiffany look-a-like bullies her "zeeb" cousin and nanny and meangirls clique until an encounter with a ghost girl from a mirror world.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: Long Way To Morning *gumption versus grouse* 3 stars

Farscape: A Human Reaction *Chricton returns home and finds out he no longer has one.* 3 stars minus maybe 1/2 a star for the twist

Wizards and Warriors: The Kidnap *Black magic and royal blood should never mix.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Root Of All Evil *Exchanging currency for blood.* 3 stars

"The Granny" a film by Luca Bercovici (1995) *Stinking rich Stella Stevens has one foot on a banana peel and is pushed into the grave by the greedy inheritors of her wealthy will. An elixir, with a set of instructions similar to the handling of Gremlins, turns her into an Evil Dead inspired demon bitch. It's up to her mousey granddaughter, played by Shannon Whirry (who struggles to hide how sexy she typically is), to send her back to Hell.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Up In Arms *Citizens against crime. Battlefield lovers. Troublemakers on the 6 o'clock news. Criminal turned Christian. Nude model and her ferocious dog of a man. Corrupt cop killed by razor wielding hooker.* 3 stars

------- Black History Month -- Non-Wayans Scary Movie -------------------

"Tales from the Hood" (1995)

*Welcome to my Mortuary: Some homeboys make a pick up of alleyway discovered drugs at a spooky funeral home ran by an eccentric mortician.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rogue Cop Revelation: Wings Hauser and some other pig cops go Rodney King on a political agitator while Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" plays as the soundtrack. Exactly one year later, the zombified martyr gets revenge.* 3 stars

*Boys Do Get Bruised: David Alan Grier as an extremely convincing and scary abusive stepfather.* close to 3 stars

*KKK Comeuppance: Voodoo dolls terrorize a racist politician at a cursed plantation. I couldn't help but laugh thinking of those Lil' Penny Hardaway doll commercials from the 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Core Convert: A murderous gangbanger won't repent when a Maya Angelou type puts him through Clockwork Orange style therapy torture to get him to see he's killing his own kind in the same way white society lynched his ancestors. It does pose the question of whether it's strictly his fault, but I'm not sure if Spike Lee and others involved aren't suggesting that young black men should use violence on whites instead. There's a lot of venom and hatred and propaganda in this piece. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not.* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

*Mr. Simms: A Mexican standoff Day of the Dead style between the homeboys and the mortician who turns out to be Satan. Welcome to 90's terrible CGI hell, muthafuckas!* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Just Like That *A cute receptionist, who likes to love it up in an elevator, tries to have it both ways with a rich French guy and a pre-Friends slumming it on softcore late night cable Matt LeBlanc.* close to 3 stars

Hannibal: Ceuf *"Norman Rockwell with a bullet." Hannibal Lecter with a daughter. Molly Shannon with a screw loose (not much of a stretch).* 3 stars

--- Duck Dynasty: Bathroom Baloney

*Outhouse racing, because "SOUTHERN!"

We used to not have indoor plumbing, ya'll.

It's pathetic what A & E will go to in order to justify an hour of tv filled with the stupid nonsense these jerks say.

It's all about those advertising dollars, and we morons who give them views.

They're supposed to be down to earth folk and manly men, but the one called Willie acts like he's never used a grill or stove, like most of his audience would  have had to in their lives, when he burns his fingers and squeals like a girl as he ineptly cooks balogna.

Balogna, a cheap and overly processed lunchmeat that has been a part of the diet of that America that they're so quick to latch onto, but most of this millionaire family turns their nose up at the idea of having to eat.

Duck Dynasty, a brand and a family that sell their garbage merchandise at a company (Wal-Mart) that ripped the heart, balls, and innards (all that would go into balogna) out of American smalltown business folk and replaced it with cheap Chinese manufactured goods and sent jobs overseas so that Duck Dynasty's main audience would have to be poor and eat balogna.

Sing it with me, for the land of the freeee and we used to live in caves...*

running from zero to 1 star

==================================================================

Weird Science: Airball Kings *Gary got game.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Ice Queen *God gave us gas.* close to 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 8 *Lambs seeing the dagger.* 3 stars

"Here Comes The Devil" (2012) *The Kids Aren't Alright after a truckstop Picnic At Hanging Rock.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the awkward and amateurish dubbing. The English speaking voice actors are so bland that they drain the passion out of the Spanish actors' performances.

American Horror Story: Asylum "The Name Game" *Rare birds Roche limit.* 3 stars or 1 star for the Glee style musical number

American Horror Story: Coven "The Axeman Cometh" *Ouija (weegee) and all that j-a-z-z.* 3 stars

"House of Dreams" an adult film by Andrew Blake (1990) *Splooge on the foot of a model wearing expensive high heels in one of those new age architectured Malibu beach mansions captured by an expensive perfume high-art pretentious photographer while a Pure Moods cd plays on a thousand dollar plus stereo system.* 2 1/2 stars

----- Black History Month -- Genre Crossover Bad Movie ------------

Cinematic Titanic presents "East Meets Watts" *"Fact: drugs IS comin' into the ghett-toe." but so IS "Rock 'em sock 'em mofos." And "You can tell by the clothes that they're wearing, that it's a fine line between Kung Fu & Disco."* 3 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

-----------------------

The Prisoner: Many Happy Returns *Number 6 becomes The Omega Man, Castaway, Bourne, The Fugitive, Top Gun, and then Total Recall'd.* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Waking Life" (2001) *"Let's have a *in quotes* Holy Moment."* either close to 2 1/2 stars if you're open to interesting thinking about life or 1 star if you're annoyed by pretentious people talking out of their ass about philosophy...

Bob and Margaret: Love's Labours Lost *Bob pines over his snotty secretary.* close to 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Soapy Sanderson *"Singing your own song," even if it's a murder ballad.* 3 stars

Fargo: A Muddy Road *Orthodox spiders.* 3 stars

X Files: Lazarus *Scully's old flame is shot and smolders out, at the same time as his Clyde Barrow type suspect suffers the same fate. The suspect's spirit snakes into Scully's flame's body and goes on the hunt for his Bonnie.* close to 3 stars

"The Taking Of Deborah Logan" (2014) *The Exorcism of Martha Stewart. Wow, a found footage flick with mostly sympathetic characters, an actual story, creepy scares, and somewhat decent editing.*  close to 3 stars minus 1/2 a star for the vomit vision shaking cam finale. I don't know why this generation has such a hard-on for found footage. It doesn't make fiction more realistic, it just makes it more painful to try to watch.

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital": season 1 episode 8 *We didn't start the fire.* 3 stars

"Inferno" a film by Dario Argento (1980) *Like a cat on hot bricks.* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: Night of the Scorpion *Caper in the Caribbean.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "R.O.T.O.R." *Imagine Alex Murphy replaced by Jeff Foxworthy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Thundarr the Barbarian: City of Evil *Civilization ends in 1994, and a world of sci fi and fantasy emerges. So, it's like Mike Judge meets Jack Kirby.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voice Of Reason *A paranoid paranormal conspiracy theorist gets a closed door intelligence session with govt officials, where he shows off alien events from the first season of the new outer limits.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Eat My Muffin *Luke Skywalker as "Divine" Rod.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible -------------------

2 Minute Slaughterhouse Rock: "Death ain't shit. Impress me." - 2 1/2 stars

3 Minute Mankillers: "Ladies, and I use that term loosely." Acting, and I use that term loosely. - 3 stars

Pregnant Men!: "I rolled over and went back to sleep." - 3 stars

Out of the Wild: Teddy bears and Werner Herzog. - close to 3 stars

Ninja Magic Dragon Kid!: "Do you know Don 'The Dragon' Wilson?" Well, he's barely in this, but there's this 12 year old who does karate... - 3 stars

-----------------------

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 1 *Bono for breakfast. Judd Apatow, Bob Odenkirk, and others help make this one of the best, and sadly forgotten, sketch shows of all time.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month -- Social Justice zombie classic with commentary ----

Rifftrax presents George Romero's original "Night of the Living Dead" *Apocalypse and Arby's.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

---------------------

American Gothic: Meet the Beetles *Sheriff Buck versus Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Here's Looking At You, Kid *Vanishing act with top secret space age equipment. Vanishing act, when it comes time to meet the girlfriend's parents.* close to 3 stars

 ---- Black History Month --- Social Satire movie ---

"CSA - The Confederate States of America" *Slavery, for an economically strong and stable society.* either zero stars or 3 stars

 ----------

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Show Stoppers" *Cooped up rage.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Curtain Call" *This series whimpers to a close like a sad gypsy's fart or a tired hobo's bugle.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Forever Knight: Dark Knight part 1 & 2 *Highlander meets the dawn of Seattle grunge meets Kolchak, the Night Stalker meets MTV's The Maxx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone *"Dying for dollars." A death defying Houdini act where death isn't actually defied.* 3 stars

"Bad Girls" (1994) *Casserole western. At least Geena Davis isn't the lead.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible ----

Camel Club Network: Joe Camel in tha nightclub. - 3 stars

You're A Hypocrite!: Grumpy theology getting off point and no fun. - 1 star

Watch the Jello Wiggle!: Thirty somethings determine the Teen Set. - 3 stars

Y'Know: No, I don't know, evangelical and or motivational white lady. - 2 1/2 stars

Truth or Dare: A deadly game for unstable yuppies.* 3 stars

--------

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Sorcerer's Apprentice *Canadian junior high kids go "goth" over a Babylonian snake god.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Prejudice Philosophy flick ---

Sam Fuller's "White Dog" (1982) *"Cure or kill the sickness."* either zero or 3 stars

---------

Morton Downey Jr.: Communism *Loudmouths, intelligence agents, government (U.S. & the U.S.S.R.) sponsored military groups in 3rd world hot-spots, and last of all "TRAITORS!"* 1 star

12:01 Beyond: Illegal Aliens ---------

*A man and his dog, living alone in the desert, are abducted by a ufo. that or the dog is an alien or becomes an alien?* close to 3 stars

*VHS quality trailer for the new War of the Worlds (not Spielberg / Cruise).* 3 stars

*TV rip promo for CBS showing of Sigourney Weaver in ALIENS.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo rambles about ancient alien conspiracy theories while an alien fires a electricity blaster behind him.* 3 stars

*Famous Studios' Superman in "Showdown": Superman framed with impostor.* 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for the movie Hangar 18.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for "Magic" 92 FM radio "The Superstar Space Cruiser" of radio stations playing classic rock albums.* 3 stars

*'The Tony Tomato Show' presents Heil Hipster performing in a Weezer 'Buddy Holly' esque music video.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for "Moon Trap." Killer lunar robots and Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for an 1980s NYC Manhattan comic convention featuring a lot of classic Sci-Fi alien comic books.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - Citizen Ninja: No rest for the Ninja. Not even a playground picnic.* close to 3 stars

*TV / VHS quality neon lazer graphics advertisement for Rochester's 95FM BBF.* 3 stars

*TV/VHS quality rip for an old 80s DR. Pepper commercial where a cowboy walks into a space bar cantina filled with alien puppetry creatures and orders a tall one. That is a Dr. Pepper.* 3 stars

*The "Saint of Insomniacs" Mr. Lobo sits by a Tesla type machine and greets a scary looking alien creature who is into probing.* 3 stars

*(feature movie) Cannon films presents - "Alien Contamination": Explosive xenomorph eggs, and a cyclops tentacle creature, in an exploitation flick.* 2 1/2 stars

*Vintage UHF tv advertisement for channel 6 XETV promoting 5, count 'em 5, classic episodes of the original Star Trek tv series.* 3 stars

*Vintage Fox tv affiliate WPGH channel 53 and its promotion of Alien Nation, the series' upcoming episode.* 3 star

*Vintage tv commercial for the OMNI sci fi "fact and fiction" magazine.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost in The Laughing Skull: Heavy water has leaks.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo may have been probed and payed 20 dollars for it.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer for the flying frisbee alien leeches flick "It Came Without Warning."* 3 stars

*TV/VHS rip quality commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper featuring a Will Forte look alike living in a Raising Arizona / Joe Bob Briggs style trailer park with his sweetie and having a close encounter.* close to 3 stars

*Zolar X - Timeless (music video): The Ramones meets Mork & Mindy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Coccoon: Stop motion short about opposable thumb hatin' robot aliens and a Texas cow munching cowboy sheriff squaring off.* close to 3 stars

------------------

Cinematic Titanic: The Alien Factor *"Pissing Skittles."* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Everything is Terrible ----

*The Stinger: Pontiac feels that modern car concepts should be "wacky," "funky,"  filled with useless gadgets, and cost 2 million dollars to create.* close to 3 stars

*The Old New Age!: Puffy clouds and PBS philosophy / aesthetics / tunes.* 3 stars

*That Doll Looks Like Your Daughter!: Wholesome, loving, lifeless, and that uncanny valley...* 3 stars

*Reppies Agenda Revealed: Let's make a rainbow and do the electric slide, all for the glory of our New World Order overlords.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bully Bustin': "Sometimes, you gotta smack somebody."* 3 stars

-----------

USA Up All Night with host Rhonda Shear presents "Porky's 2" ----

*Win a piece of Rhonda's horrible (looks fingerpainted) artwork. Ha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda laments the flow of her particular pink piece of artwork.* close to 3 stars

*An operatic Korbel champagne commercial showing picturesque American life. yeah, maybe if you're drunk on Korbel.* 2 stars

*Turtle Wax magic and science to help shine your convertible using "science and magic." Available at K-Mart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hurry to Sears for a 3 day paint sale.* 2 stars

*1 800 Collect will help you save on collect calls and it somehow helps a generic fake Yankee baseball player rob a homerun "Whatta save!"* close to 2 1/2 stars

*"Before Arnold, before Stallone, there was Skywalker." USA is showing the original Star Wars 8 / 7 central.* 3 stars

*Rhonda daydreams about 1950s romantic lifestyles and compares it to the 90s where she can't get a date, because all the guys are on dates with each other. Then, she reads fan mail about how much sexual energy she puts into her paintings, then she gives that painting away to said horny fan.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fun of male pushups in Porky's 2 as being "safe sex" and she shows off a horribly drawn portrait of her house with dog poop on the lawn.* 3 stars

*Rhonda cools off with a Snapple in a cheaply produced Snapple promo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bluesy 90s slickly produced Greyhound bus travel commercial. I've taken a Greyhound bus trip. It's nowhere near this glamorous. It stinks, actually.* 2 1/2 stars

*The host of MTV Sports (whose name escapes me) is with Arnold in a Burger King BK TeeVee advertisement for the Summer of 93's biggest blockbuster "Last Action Hero."* close to 3 stars

*While a mom does some home repair, a toddler has a horrible gasoline accident and is shown in the hospital burn unit covered in bandages in one of those awful scary as shit PSA announcements from back in the day.* 3 stars

*GNC the authority on getting musclehead gym rats hooked on supplement taking pill addictions.* 2 star

*"Ever been curious about Hollywood girls?" Well, these babes dance luridly on the hosed down concrete floor of a large suburban downtown flat while dressed in leather and 60s biker hats in this phone sex 1 900 950 WILD commercial.* 3 stars

*Next is yet another phone sex commercial with girls looking straight out of Beverly Hills 90210. Wowza.* 3 stars

*Rhonda shows a classic "cut scene" from the Wizard of Oz "Suck my wand!" that just happens to have made it into Porky's 2. And Rhonda reads another fan letter in it which she continues to win over the hearts and views of fans for her offbeat sense of humor.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fishy faces with her self portrait.* close to 3 stars

*Then a hypnotic bumper with Rhonda twirling against a starlit background while wearing a one piece swimsuit / aerobics outfits. Wowza.* 3 stars

*never park your car without the CLUB anti-auto-theft device, especially if you live in a Texas Mexico bordertown. Ha. Whatever happened to those? I guess thieves figured out a way around the device.* 2 1/2 stars

*Beautiful, portrait pretty mornings begin at 8, that is Super 8 motel, and that is also if you're a yuppie business man driving around the backcountry (what business is there out there?) with a cup of steaming hot coffee on top of your Ford Taurus rental car.* 2 1/2 stars

*Murphy Brown is smart, right? I mean... she does have her own witty tv sitcom... and she is spokeswomanperson for SPRINT long distance in this big budget commercial with 90s quirky aesthetics featuring the tops of bald mens' heads with cartoon floating graphics and a thinktank lab with a huge brain in a robotic device... huh?* 2 1/2 stars

*"What could be worse than the cost of a yeast infection? How about the cost of curing it?" Femcare for the cheap lady with downstairs troubles. Wow, did women really skip feminine healthcare because of high cost? Glad I was too young to experience the joys of a woman back then.* 2 1/2 stars for weirdness

*A leading zooologist explains the difference between sparkling polar bears (ones who ice skate in a skirt) and sparkling rootbeer cream soda A & W rootbeer.* 3 stars

*After a terrorist strikes... Silk Stalkings on USA.* close to 3 stars

*Sean Connery is a space cowboy... high noon in outerspace... Outland on USA.* 3 stars

*Rhonda's factoid of the week: close to 3 million gallons of oil produced in America, almost enough to style Jerry Lewis's hair.* 2 stars

*No touch tire care in a can really frustrates blue collar motorheads.* 2 stars

*"There's nothing worse than a foul smelling pair of shoes?" Wait, what about yeast infections? Odor Eaters knocks the skunk right out (literally) of a pair of old men's dress shoes.* 3 stars

*Tri Star pictures presents Weekend at Bernies 2, starting July 9th, 1993.* 3 stars

*"Even the best need attention, know what I mean?" So says a blonde skank on a cheap looking phone sex advertisement.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sluts "love sharing secrets" on another phone sex ad. Now, they just share selfies and butt in mirror photos on twitter / instagram and it doesn't cost 3 dollars a minute.* 2 1/2 stars

*Patty and her orangutan pal Roger try little Caesar's pizza and spaghetti.* 3 stars

*Tough actin' Tinactin for CGI fungal fires on the feet of jocks.* 2 stars

*"America's hot new number, 1 800 Collect." they've even replaced the Hollywood sign with a 1 800 Collect Sign. Boy, will they feel dumb, when they realize no one uses collect calls anymore. Everyone has a wireless plan. Dumb, 1993, get with the times, already.* 2 stars

*Rhonda gives away a foot sculpture to a female fan wanting it for her husband's office. I guess her husband, Al, has a foot fetish.* 2 stars

*Live & Loud Ozzy's new album straight from his 92 tour available at Record Town and Tape World.* 2 1/2 stars

*30 something moms in party cowboy hats use Suave miracle anti-perspirant to survive their rowdy munchkin kids' birthday parties.* 2 1/2 stars

*Nintendo's Kirby comes from Dreamland to the real world to prove that he's "One Tough Cream Puff" in an awesomely animated into live action commercial.* 3 stars

*"It's never too late for an intimate phone adventure." So, dude, bro, pick up your oversized cordless house phone with the extra long antenna and dial up some horny chicks for only 3 bucks a minute, man.* 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out with her Bart Simpson doll and shows off her "Bart art".* 3 stars

*Models, on a beach, have lips that need protection from the sun's harsh rays. So, they use Blistex. But, they probably should get out of the sun, because they all look so dark that they probably have skin cancer already.* 2 stars

*"Continuous Action Formula!" soft & dri super solid lady deoderant will have the fellas fawning over any high class city chick.* 3 stars

*A sign language lady uses conceal and heal wart remover.* 2 1/2 stars

*"If you use gasoline the wrong way, your dreams will go up and smoke." Your kids will die as it's put in another scary gasoline fire PSA. Was there this huge problem with misuse of gasoline back in the 80s and 90s? Sheesh!* 3 STARS

*A soft saxophone, a tropical window scene with flowing curtains in the wind, and a creepy narrator on camera, in a white tuxedo, let's us know about Eve and her need to forget, which she can't do, on EDEN coming to USA....* close to 3 stars

*Rhonda is sad to say that Robert DeNiro isn't in Porky's.* 2 stars

*Rhonda really doesn't like Porky's 2 and recommends that if you wanna watch Porky's 3, then rent Porky's 1 and change the number.* 2 1/2 stars

*And finally to get to the actual film presentation... for this chopped and censored to the point of little coherency comedy...* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------

Son of the Beach: Miso Honei *Pink beam at Point Break.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Inter-racial Adult Art Film --

Dark Bros. presents "Black Throat" *A dumbass honky, a new-wave negro pimp, and a trash-talkin' plastic rat go on the hunt for an expert fellatio hoe named "Madame Mambo."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--------

From Dusk Till Dawn: Blood Runs Thick *The original was a good movie, but it could have used a 14 year old girl's i-phone conversation with her boyfriend, an unintentionally funny fist fight between the Gecko brothers, rice-milk refreshment breaks, and cute pink bunny accessories to remind one of just how sweet having a daughter can be... oh, also Fez, from That 70s Show, dressed up like Kool Moe D in Wild Wild West.* 2 stars

Kung Fu: An Eye For An Eye *A woman's right to choose death. Honestly, however, a thoughtful commentary on revenge.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: What Happened.... *Swing low, sweet chariot.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible -----

*Aerobic Self Defense: Don't be a victim, attack from the rear.* 3 stars

*Time to get it on, T. Bone: Sidney Party Yeah Uh... or however you spell and pronounce Sidney Pottier.* close to 3 stars

*Tax Day!: I'm not sayin' that we should be anarchists, I'm just sayin' we should commit anarchy.* 3 stars

*Oldies vs. Hippies!: The early bird gets stoned.* close to 3 stars

*Mark of the beast: Government is evil, ignore the patriotic background music. Worldly goods are fleeting, seek salvation, and send us your money.* 3 stars

---------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills *Chewin' the scenery with Lassie.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

--- Black History Month -- Black Cowboy Cinema ---

Fred Williamson in "Joshua" (1976) *Who is Joshua? to quote Joshua, "I'm my mother's son." Some bandits make the mistake of shooting his mama, in the back, before Joshua can reunite with her after the Civil War.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------

William Friedkin's "Sorcerer" (1977) *No futuro without risk.* 3 stars

"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992) *Close the deal, you expletive-expletive-expletive...* 3 stars

X Files: Young At Heart *The curious case of Spooky Mulder.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 episode 2 *20 so years later, and Nick Kroll has almost the exact same show.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Learn to Fly: self levitate the expert way.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Hunks Hunks Hunks!: "Smell the protein in this room."* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

*Here's How!: to be a show off.* 2 stars

*Greatest Song Ever Sung: Kathie Lee cares about the kids of genocide. Well, just kids in general, they sure are cute. Fuck adults in need, they're not as cute. Jesus was a kid too ya know. He was cute, too. "Like one of us," as a kid, but way cuter.*  either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

*4 Minute - The Alien Agenda - Endangered Species: Vote for Pedro for president of the X Files fan club.* 3 stars

----------

Viper: Ghosts *Reformed criminals, the paralyzed, holograms, and future cars -more than meets the eye.*  between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"John Wick" (2014) *"Everything has a price," but good action / fight choreography and a dead wife's puppy are priceless.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Coquilles *About as much fun as a tumor.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" *Satisfaction.* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 episode 3 *Ship without a captain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad *"There goes a stupid, stupid man." Fake Sinbad, the father of modern socialism.* close to 2 stars with riffing between 1/2 and 1 star without

Rinse Dream presents "Cafe Flesh" (1982) *"A tableau of desire in decline." The perfect mindfuck Dear John paranoid love letter from the dawn of the AIDS-HIV era to the end of the 'Free Love' era.* 3 stars

True Detective: Who Goes There? *She done gone. Tyrone. Drugged out, deep cover.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Reality TV No Survivors *"They fall in love in a hot tub, just like us."* 3 stars

Channel 4 in the U.K. presents Ban This Filth: episode 1 *Prudish, old ladies -the purveyors and "haters" (a term that I despise) of perverted behavior.* close to 3 stars

David Fincher's "Gone Girl" (2014) *An ode to the psychotic climate of hysteria caused by media jackals like Nancy Grace.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 3 *To boldly go where Bruce Springsteen has never gone before.* 2 1/2 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 3 *"Seems like everyone here is from someplace else."* close to 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Hunt *A rolling stone gathers some moss.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Johnny Dangerously" *An exciting age of criminality.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Dana Carvey Is Rolling Over In His Grave: Have mercy, Church Lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Creep Scientist Fantasy Karaoke: "It's nice to remember." Just don't make it weird.* close to 3 stars

*Cookin' Up Profits!: Elderly ladies are pie baking and financial experts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Christian Puppets Are Selfish: Share everything, including yourself, with stuffed animal puppets of the faith.* 2 1/2 stars

*BEV!: "She'll kill us." during our middle aged lady step aerobic workout.* 3 stars

---------

Thundarr the Barbarian: Last Train To Doomsday *Can't keep a Gemini wizard under wraps. Plus, 1960s Marvel comic books become an instructional handbook for sorcery weirdos of the post-apocalypse.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Party High USA *School curriculum for those willing to stay stupid or hoping to become scumbags.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Dream Thieves *In an age where people trade their dreams for dreams, Swamp Thing's Arcane is also an old friend / rival of Edison Carter.* 3 stars

"A Scanner Darkly" (2006) *We're all trying to escape, and we're all unknowingly being observed while trying. That's when we're unwittingly put to uses.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick--- (1996)

*Fashion VIctims - Lowering High Fashion Standards: Getting heavy with emaciated models.*  close to 2 1/2 stars for the topic's performance 3 stars for Timothy Stack's jokes

*Secret Lives... Exposing Ourselves: Hot For Teacher - A teacher moonlights as a porn star. "Say it loud, I'm practically black and I'm proud." - A light skinned  black man is shocked to discover that he's half black and not Italian. The Perfect Mom & Dad turn out to be Dad & Mom* close to 3 stars

-------

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Jax, Sonya, and Kano *TEST YOUR MIGHT at the Ace Chemicals / Skynet factory.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Safe Sex  ----

*A picky dweeb's Satanic attraction and death by wet dream.* 3 stars

*An outcast chick's obsession with Freddy goes too far.* 3 stars

------

American Horror Story: Murder House "Smoldering Children" *Familial putridity.* close to 3 stars

X Files: E.B.E. *Piss up an Idian rope trick. There's an 18 wheeler causing alien confusion as it travels a shadowy path across America.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Mistress *Harbingers, whore offerings, and head-shrinking.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Banshee: season 1 episode 1 *A raccoon running from a rabbit. A -just out of prison- thief steals the identity of a deceased new sheriff to a Walking Tall type backwoods corrupt town.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Sacred Taking" *Thrill rides, terminal goodbyes, two way roads, and tingles of the cooch.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Another Woman's Lipstick *Girl in guy drag and a David Lynch inspired striptease.* 3 stars

---- Valentine's Three Way Movie Feature ---

John Cassavetes in "Incubus" (1982) *Try a little tenderness. Try a little cursed bestiality.* 3 stars

Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" (1992) *Torrid 90s trash revisited.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

Michael Ninn's "Fade to Blue" *Get 'yer kicks on Route 66. It's a stylized xxx religious experience.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------

Werner Herzog's "Lessons of Darkness" (1992) *Scorched earth war disgrace, the Book of Revelation, and fossil fuel drudgery, danger, madness -all from an alien perspective.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" (mini-series) *Born in sin, the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, come on in.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Fargo: Eating the Blame *Greenbacks, grasshoppers, gospel, and the gristle of a riddle.* 3 stars

"Winter People" (1988) *Milk, honey, and time a flowin.' Kurt Russell plays against type as a gentle clockmaker / Ichabod Crane type in a Hatfields & McCoys style hillbilly period piece.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Legacy of Blood *"Tijuana snuff films are more wholesome."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars with riffing close to 2 stars without riffing

Son of the Beach: South of Her Border *Labia & Johnson. Erik Estrada & Marsha Brady.* close to 3 stars (despite all the stale bean fart jokes, it manages to be funny)

Northern Exposure: Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens *"Wine 'em, dine 'em, stick 'em with the tab." ... or leave 'em standing in the rain at the 18th hole... or leave 'em standing at the altar singing showtunes.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible ----

Freedom Song: Show us yer tits fer freedom.* 3 stars

Fiddlin' With My...: Would you rather be in Branson with Shoji or would you rather be a mule?* 3 stars

Dreaming of Foxy Boxing: That cloud looks like a cat fight.* close to 3 stars

Dinner With The Abortionists!: "Ask your wife." quoting a slimeball abortion performing doctor.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Lottery Guru!: Hint, hint, you'll never win the lottery. Hint, hint, invest in firearms.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

------

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick ---

Illegal Aliens Star Search: Immigrant talent show for the prize of a green card.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars (3 plus stars for the Phil Hartman cameo)

Hooked on Hookers: Sexy Social Outrage.* close to 3 stars

------

Crossballs, the debate show: American Driving, Carmageddon *Defensive drivers on the defensive against aggressive comedians.* 3 stars

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" (1991) *"Come on and take a free ride." - John the Baptist $T.M.$ If they make this movie for the millenial generation, it will be called 'Rob Dyrdek and the Starbucks Person,' and it will pack a limp wristed punch.* 2 1/2 stars

Hill Street Blues: Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind *Being true to one's self and the team.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Them *A deathdream last episode and now this episode has an exhaustion zombie fight, a pack of wild dogs, worm eating & dog eating, mysterious note and a gift of water at the point of dehydration, a backroad tornado out of nowhere, solace in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and a zombie siege on the shack that seemed to spell the end of everyone in the group (which turns out to be a dream? or did they all just die?). This second half of the season is taking a turn into surreal southern gothic.* 3 stars

"In Cold Blood" (1967) *The point in modern America where we all took a dreaded detour into a conscience of indifferent malice that we've been driving on ever since.* 3 stars

"Nightcrawler" (2014) *Hollywood really wants us to sympathize with their paparazzi plight. A success driven psycho is nihilistic about bringing skid row sensationalism to the Southern California suburban news market.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 4 *Melrose changes people. Ben finds out this when Andy Dick turns into a hipster bitch on the back of a biker dyke's harley.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month --- Cultural Cliches Comedy ----

Melvin and Mario Van Peebles present "Identity Crisis" (1989) *Gianni Versace is my homeboy. Rest in peace, my gay nigga.* close to 2 stars

------

Ban This Filth: episode 2 *"I would rather live in a vast, treeless desert without filth."* 2 1/2 stars

Hippies: Hippy Dippy Hippies *"Painting the house of ideas, shit brown," like a pig would.* 3 stars

"The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" a Gerard Damiano xxx film (1980) *In the future, in the ruins of a space age commune, survivors hump, day & night, like bunny astronauts. They have this calculator connected to the future internet, and surprise the internet is mostly for sex, where they can dial up and beam up "satisfiers" to fulfill their every sexual need. But is it enough?* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Through The Looking Glass *3, 5, prime. Red, yellow, blue. Dizzy, loud, and funny too.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: The Rescue *"I wouldn't want to fight a dragon that I could see, let alone an invisible dragon." Yeah, that's right, an invisible dragon.* 3 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks *"It's like Clint Howard and Gentle Ben had a kid, and he's choking me!" It's also like Eegah! meets The Sinful Dwarf.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

American Horror Story: Asylum "Spilt Milk" *Nursing a grudge.* close to 3 stars

"The Babysitter's Club Video #1 Mary Anne and the Brunettes" (1990) *Scholastic and craptastic. Mommy / gossip / relationship training for young chicks who can't even get their darn ears pierced. Weird to see so many kids and zero adults in this Charlie Brown / Children of the Corn town.* 1 star

Jr. Christian Science Vol. 1 *One of Tim & Eric's weirdo friends hosts an early 90s public access educational children's show. A chore to sit through, but almost worth it for the moments where he loses his cool when the production doesn't go exactly his way, and it features some of the most awkward singing and puppetry ever combined.* 1 star

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Johnny Cage *True Hollywood story, death of the action star.* 2 1/2 stars

"Constantine" (2005) *Keanu Reeves as a wanker. Shy LePoof as a hardnosed cabbie sidekick. Tilda Swinton in guy drag. Hollywood knows what comic fans want. They want their beloved characters americanized and the movie version to be filled with techno music and cgi in every single shot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Let's Get Ramblin' *Soul cleansing, soul redeeming, power in the blood.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forever Knight: for I have Sinned *and sat in judgement.* close to 3 stars

"Exorcist 2: The Heretic" (1977) *Plight of the white wing dove. Not enough mood or scares, and too much of all of the following: pseudo science astral projection / mental flashbacks, jazz tap dance, big over the top special fx, traversing the globe, and Linda Blair vanity project / poor acting. James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher, and Richard BUrton are great, though.*  between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Hannibal: Entree *"A bunch of psychopaths helping each other out."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Head" *Proudly marching to the guillotine of perdition.* 3 stars

"Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror" (1981) *Eye-Talian style maggot-filled weapon-wielding zombies laying siege on a gothic mansion. Gore filled disembowling deaths, shot gun blasts to zombie skulls, smashing / chopping zombies / people to bits, and titty chewing. Gloriously over the top dubbing. And lastly a "child" or dwarf(?) actor that makes Bud Cort look normal.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep *Pretty woman on loan from the pawn shop.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Distance *Rick Grimes, the most justifiably paranoid man on the planet of the undead, will watch gay love, from the shadows, just to make sure someone's intentions are legit.* close to 3 stars

"Sticks and Stones" (1996) *Another of those generic mid-1990s coming of age / the dangers of handguns in a family home / absentee parents (too busy being a doctor more than a mom Kirstie Alley) / abusive white trash parents (father of the main bully) / dealing with school bullies and also brothers who are bullies too (Zack from Saved by the Bell. *barf* on both accounts) and the bullied (a young and pudgy Seth Rogen, you would think but the kid's name is Max Goldblatt along with his bully tackling overprotective daddy played by Gary Busey), complete with that wholesome Americana past-time of baseball as a connecting theme for this sentimental tripe.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 stars

--- Black History Month --- Bon Voyage Film Feature ---

"Trippin" (1996) *A young brutha and perpetual slacker, during his senior year in highschool, is constantly escaping reality into his fantasies that often feature fly booty honeys.* 2 1/2 stars

----------

[ohgodsnowwhat]

Fantasy in Metal

Yes; I am posting my first fanfic after my second fanfic. I'm a rebel like that. I have also come to the conclusion that I suck at endings, which may be why I don't always finish what I start. Oh well. Please feel free to offer concrit. I'm not used to writing stuff that isn't one-on-one smut. Thanks to @neko-otaku13 for her encouragment on this!

The light had returned to Lucis – to all of Eos, for that matter. King Noctis and Lady Lunafreya, the Oracle, had passed over into the realm of much-deserved happily-ever-afterlife.

Prompto, Gladio, and Ignis, however….

Look, not even Astrals are perfect. Clerical errors happen.

****

“What do you mean, they’ve been reincarnated into another universe?” thundered Bahamut at the little fennec fox. “For their service, they should have been transported to the same region as King Noctis and Lady Luna!”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine; those guys always manage. Nothing to be too concerned about, but when their time is up here maybe, um, you can take a more personal interest to see that they get to the right place? I was supervising the moogles in charge of reassignment, and with the chocobos on strike there were some issues getting everyone to the office. We are lucky that there aren’t more souls floating around in Limbo!” Carbuncle looked up at the Draconian Astral, gulped nervously and said, “But of course I will supervise their next reassignment myself.”

“If they had been born into their new roles it wouldn’t be so bad,” offered Shiva, “but they have been, well, stuffed into pre-existing personas! This is a DISASTER!”

“At least they will be worshipped as gods in that realm,” put in Ramuh.

Titan sighed and poured himself another whiskey-and-soda.

****

Charles Offdensen pushed up his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had been going over the band’s financial statements when he was hit with the idea for a new recipe. This was odd because he didn’t cook; Jean-Pierre was more than adequate to fulfill his nutritional needs. “I must be working too hard,” he thought; when he was interrupted by another thought, this one in a more refined tone of voice: “Nonsense! It is a duty and privilege to serve one’s liege! And furthermore… One moment, where am I?”

****

Nathan Explosion was busy, working on the 67th of his hundred beers and putting the final touches on “Go Forth and Die”. Except… those weren’t the words he originally wrote, were they?

Trapped inside a crystal Ten long years Hiding from the world Forgotten by your peers

“Huh,” he growled, “sounds more like the plot of a video game. Well, these beers aren’t gonna drink themselves. New song idea: Self-drinking beer.”

****

Toki Wartooth was in his room, happily working on his model planes when a little voice in his head told him that he should see if there were any new pupper videos. Toki was okay with this, and hummed happily to himself as he flipped on YouTube. After about a half hour, the voice asked about video games, to which Toki replied, “We amsk gots a room full of video games! Is you my new friends in my heads, little voice? Is yous gots a names?” “Well,” the voice answered back, “I’m Prompto, but where am I and how did I get here?” “I don’tsk knows Promptos but let’s go play DDR! Yous is Toki’s friends now!”

****

Pickles noticed that there seemed to be something a little off about his manager and bandmates. Nathan was doing a lot more reading than drinking; although he still churned out songs unnaturally fast, now they were more about crystals, lost kings, and something called “chocobos”. The latter made Toki ecstatic and he would go on for hours about them. This was puzzling as Toki was known to have had an austere and abusive childhood, and whatever these “chocobos” were, Pickles was sure they weren’t native to Norway. Skwisgaar, as self-centered as he was, had mentioned that to Pickles. Sweden was practically Norway anyway, but Pickles knew if he said that, the blond guitar-slinger would retreat to his room for a week to get over his sulk with the assistance of various GMILFs. Normally that wouldn’t bother Offdensen, as he didn’t have to worry about paying for abortions or child support (Skwisgaar was SO. MUCH. CHEAPER in that regard than the rest of the band), but Pickles had noticed that Offdensen was now more prone to lecture the band about personal responsibility, hygiene, and the need to be cost-efficient. Well, he WAS their CFO, but he hadn’t minded before… Were they in financial trouble? Even countries went belly-up from time to time, and Dethklok’s income when ranked beside the GNP of other countries was at a healthy and respectable 7, so maybe…?

Pickles decided then and there to visit Charles Foster Offdensen in his office.

****

Murderface didn’t care. He drank another beer, belched, and scratched his belly over the “Pobody’s Nerfect” tattoo. That had been some night when he got that – too bad, he thought, that he didn’t remember it.

****

“Yo, Robot!” exclaimed Pickles as he burst into Offdensen’s office. “I been meanin’ to talk to you about how you’ve been acting lately and-” He came to a sudden stop as he took in Toki and Nathan already seated across from their manager, heads close together conspiratorially. “What is this? I know something has been going on, but this better not be fucking with our bread and butter here.”

“Ah, yes… Pickles…maybe it is time to explain,” came the odd cultured voice that had been emanating as of late from Offdensen. “From my observations, I believe you would have a better grasp of the situation than, say, Mr. Skwigelf or Mr. Murderface.”

“Yes, that is true,” came the more typical Offdensen voice. “Pickles does have a greater intellect than he lets on, despite the mass quantity of chemical substances he indulges with.”

Pickles was taken a bit aback and tried to recover as best he can. “This better not be some touchy-feely type of intervention, ya douchebags. Because that is so not metal.”

****

“Ignis”, as the cultured voice called itself, launched into an epic tale of kingdoms lost, love lost, Hell even daylight lost; lots of attacks from every angle, deep and mysterious dungeons filled with monsters and demons beyond imagination, and eventual redemption at the price of a blood sacrifice. When it came to drug-induced imaginings, no one – hands down – could come close to Pickles, which is what finally made Pickles realize that he was being told the truth. It also accounted for, he thought, a greater element of story-telling in Nathan’s lyrics recently (although he could do without the gothic romance stuff – so not metal).

The “Gladio” voice that resided in Nathan chimed in… well, more like “contra-bassooned” in - with “It’s not all bad; I think this could be fun for a bit. I’ve always liked writing poetry and I feel I am good at this songwriting. Not entirely sure what you and your resident blondie mean by “metal” but I’m sure I’ll pick it up. And women! And beer! I don’t have to stay sober and celibate all the damn time to watch over everyone else’s dumb asses!”

Toki’s resident “Prompto” piped up, “Yeah! It would be like totally cool to be rock stars! I…” and here the sunshine voice faltered and whispered, “I just wish Noct was here with us.”

The tone was so heartbreaking that even Pickles wanted to comfort Toki, much like Nathan and Offdensen were doing, even though he knew it was really the three specters within his friends that were engaged in a cuddlefest at the moment.

After a while, Pickles grew visibly uncomfortable at the snuggly intimacy before him. He cleared his throat. “Um, hey… so…like… Is there anything we can do to get you back to where you belong?”

Offdensen qua Offdensen shook himself loose from the huddle and said “Well, if Ishnifus were still with us, he would probably be able to help. I am the new High Holy Priest, but not all avenues are open to me yet. Right now, though, the only person who could possibly assist is the one person we are absolutely unable to turn to for help. Nathan, Toki – I am referring to Mr. Salacia. “

“You means the big creepy fella?” asked Toki. “The ones who tried to haves us killed?”

Nathan perked up. “Yeah, that guy is bad news. Probably at least as bad as if not worse than that Ardyn fellow you were telling us about.”

Here is where Pickles felt he could shine. “I have a better idea – Nathan, remember that tribe you are related to in South America? Honey Mangoes or something like that?”

“Yaneemango. Chief Otoe is my grandfather, but yeah, why – Oh. Yopo. That released our spirit animal forms, but – “

Here the “Ignis” voice jumped in. “What? That may be the answer. How can we best achieve this? I have noticed geography is vastly different than what we are used to, but I believe we can make it there from this Mordhaus of yours in a matter of 4 days, including stops for curatives and provisions. Prompto, Gladio, we must confer with our host bodies as it will be them bearing any physical discomfort caused by this experiment.”

Nathan qua Nathan softly growls “Close your eyes and become the animals that you once were… Yeah, I’m down for this. It was cool becoming an alligator. But we have to bring Murderface and Skwisgaar – you too, Pickles.”

“Like I would turn down a chance to be an octopus again? I could play drums and guitar at the same time.”

****

Ignis had no problems with traversing a rainforest. Neither did his fellow Crownsguard really; Prompto just liked to complain about his feet hurting and question if they were there yet with a whine in his voice. Quite the trouper, he was. But despite sharing hotel rooms and tents around Eos and being accustomed to the sight of each other’s bodies, at least while they had corporeal bodies, nothing could have prepared Ignis for Murderface splayed out on deck completely nude. It was a small relief that rest of the band felt the same way, since the retching noises did nothing to deter the bass player from sprawling naked on a lounge chair while reverentially whispering “Ah, freeballing”. Ignis supposed he should be grateful the man refrained from urinating over the side of the boat, after it was relayed to him by Skwisgaar how a fish called a “Candiru” managed to lodge itself in Murderface’s urethra the last time they made this journey. While Ignis respected Skwisgaar’s talent, he had a limited tolerance for the man, as aspects of his personality were too similar to Loqi Tummelt for his taste. He felt that in Charles Foster Offdensen, he found a kindred spirit. They would often have silent conversations about the importance of lighting, and what separates the good lamps from the cheap lamps.

Gladio-within-Nathan thought this was a fine adventure; very few critters were trying to kill him, and the resident large, spotted cats kept to themselves and didn’t throw lightning bolts with the wrath of Ramuh at him. He was also silently communing with Nathan, and wishing he could stay a little longer – beer, booze, women, fame, money, lack of people trying to murder you just for being associated with royalty – yeah, a guy could definitely get used to this.

Prompto liked Toki and could relate to the child-like nature of his host body; they had much in common. Animals, video games, models of aircraft (even though what Toki worked on was nothing like the aircraft Prompto was familiar with), not to mention a brutal and lonely childhood – Toki, much like Prompto himself, often exhibited a warm and cheerful exterior to hide the small, scared child inside. At least Toki had parents, but Prompto reflected that maybe having no parents was better than having parents that were outright cold and abusive. That clown, though… Prompto admitted to himself that Dr. Rockzo was on the creepy side, even for a clown; and that was saying something.

Offdensen genuinely liked and respected his spirit resident; he wished he had an army of Ignises around. He just wanted his body back with himself as the sole occupant.

Nathan thought Gladio was a bit of a tyrant with his extensive exercise regimen, but Nathan could appreciate the results in himself. For one thing, it extended the time he could go between liver transplants; for another, it gave him new perspectives and topics for writing songs. “Battle Coeurl” had gone quadruple platinum overnight! Dick Knubbler had practically came in his boxers when he heard that, and Abigail…. Nathan smiled slightly at the memory of Abigail practically dragging him to the floor for that one.

Toki was happy to have a new friend that liked the same things he did and could relate to a bad childhood. He felt sad at the prospect of losing Prompto, but he was excited to see if he would become a shamanistic bunny again.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf was completely unaware that anything had changed with either the robot or his bandmates. He continued running scales and arpeggios on his custom Thunderhorse and gloating to himself over how superior it was to Toki’s Snow Falcon. He experienced mild disappointment when Toki didn’t play “Stops Copies Me” at the gear library, something Pickles called “sporting goods store, ya douchebag – and now my blood sugar’s low again.”

Pickles was at a bit of a loss. He kind of wanted to have a spirit buddy to talk with, but at the same time he didn’t think he was ready for that kind of intimacy. He was actually pleased; he had been looking for a reason to go back down for another dose of Yopo, but it would have been awkward dropping in on his bandmate’s relatives without Nathan in tow. If he’s gonna die, might as well die high!

Murderface napped, occasionally belching and scratching himself in awkward places in his sleep. He was looking forward to being a white tiger again; as a bass player he didn’t get a lot of respect, but as a tiger? Wow! No one would dare turn a tiger down in the mix, or have the lead guitar player (that damn Skwisgaar!) record new notes over a tiger’s bass leads!

****

Both Offdensen and Ignis thought having hordes of Klokateers drag their boat over a mountain and through the jungle was a bit excessive, but not a single member of Dethklok showed any inclination of making the final trek under their own power. Gladio was fuming and silently berating Nathan for this lack of industry, and Prompto and Toki were too caught up in playing “I Spy” to pay attention.

They knew they had reached their destination when they found themselves surrounded by spears, which were lowered as the Yaneemango tribe recognized the faces on the mountain. Offdensen found he was able communicate their issues to the shaman, having briefly studied the tribe’s language after the last time the band ran off to experience Yopo. The shaman had recognized quickly that there were foreign spirits residing within, and agreed to perform the Yopo ceremony to attempt to free them.

****

“BOSS!” yelled a moogle to Carbuncle, “You gotta come here, Kupo! This realm where Noct’s entourage ended up is going to try to separate their souls, Kupo!”

Carbuncle scurried to the moogle viewing device as fast as his four furry feet could carry him. “Quick! Patch me through to Bahamut!” The communication device crackled to life. “This had better be important,” came the deep voice over the speaker. “Sir! The primitives are going to try separating their souls from their bodies! Can you please lend your assistance?”

In less than the time it took to blink an eye, Bahamut was in the control room. He didn’t feel there was anything he could do, but it would let the moogles feel as though everything was in order. He wondered for a moment if it was blasphemous on some level for an Astral to pray.

****

The fires were lit, the chanting had begun. The shaman blew Yopo into the faces of Dethklok and their manager/CFO/legal advisor/High Holy Priest of the Church of the Black Klok. From their bodies rose the form of a hawk (Skwisgaar), white tiger (Murderface), octopus (Pickles)… and instead of an alligator and a rabbit from Nathan and Toki, there were the ghostly figures of a mountain of a man with long dark hair, glowing amber eyes, and chiseled abs; a fluffy-headed blond with eyes like a sunny afternoon and a smattering of freckles, and drifting over from Offdensen was the figure of a tall, lean man with glowing green eyes and medium brown hair; although they could see remnants of massive scarring around his eyes, he had the most beautiful smile and he gazed peacefully back. The three linked hands, slowly dissipating into small blue glowing orbs, then a sudden flash of light as –

****

The moogle crew, Carbuncle, and even Bahamut were whooping it up in the control room. It was a success! Souls retrieved and Bahamut made a mental note to add a paycheck bonus for all those involved. Even himself.

****

The three Crownsguard found themselves abruptly in what looked like the throne room of the Citadel, before Niflheim attacked. Prompto was the first to recover, yelling “NOCT!!!!” as he barreled up the stairs and was met by a charging King Noctis, wrapping their arms around each other, swiftly followed by Ignis and Gladio. Tears were shed, and no one spoke – or could speak – for the longest time. There was no need. They were home.

[thetransformansion]

Clowntopia - Now Hiring Pt1

Clowntopia: Now Hiring

A tale by Hugo Prosperio

Inspired by Novadehedghog

Part One: You’re Hired!

The store had been there for less than a day, Logan was sure of it. He had walked down this street so many times he couldn’t have kept track, and that store, wedged between two buildings, looking like something out of a storybook, had not been there before. It was intriguing, mysterious, and just plain interesting. Logan was a handsome young man, around 19 years old, tall and lean with a head of black hair. All his life he had been obsessed with clowns after being taken to the circus at a young age. He even had a theory that perhaps some clowns were more realistic than they appeared. The carnival colors of the shop intrigued him, so Logan decided to investigate.

On the door was a cheerful open sign with a clown’s face painted in the letter O. Next to the sign was a plastic Now Hiring sign, with the bright neon orange lettering one might expect from such a sign. He turned the handle to the door, and something said to go in, perhaps even inquire about a job. The door opened with a squeak and as he entered the store, a horn went off, it sounded like a rubber duck’s quack almost.

“Damn thing is on the fritz again!” came a voice from the back room. Through an kitschy beaded curtain, a man dressed as a clown emerged. He was wearing a typical clown jumpsuit, ruffles on the wrists and ankles, red in color with white stripes. His hair was a big afro style cut, tight blue curls puffed up into a big ball. On his nose was a round ball, red as a fire engine. “Oh hello there! Welcome! Sorry, I was just doing some spring cleaning in the back.”

“Um. Hello. Why are you dressed like a clown?” Logan asked. It seemed odd that he would stumble upon a store run by a man dressed as a clown, considering his interests.

“Well, I am a clown. So I dress the part.” he said with a bow. “Chuckles is the name. What might yours be?” he asked.

“I’m Logan. Nice to meet you!” he said, extending a hand, before retracting it. “Perhaps a handshake isn’t a good idea. You might have a hand buzzer.” Logan laughed.

“You seem to know a lot about us clowns.” Chuckles said, revealing that he had indeed slid on a joy buzzer just for the occasion. “You like clowns, don’t you?”

“I’ve been fond of them since I was a child, yes.” Logan admitted. “I admire their job.”

“How so?” asked the clown as he fiddled with some items from a nearby shelf.

“They make people laugh, make people smile. I think that’s admirable.”

“You’d make a great clown, I think.” Chuckles said as he looked Logan over. “Would you be interested in giving it a shot?”

“What do you mean?” Logan asked.

“Well, I am looking for some extra help around the shop here, and you seem like you’d be a good fit.”

“So I’d have to put on clown makeup every day to work here?” Logan said as he pondered the offer.

“Something like that.” Chuckles replied as he walked over to a shelf of costumes. “We can pick your uniform right now if you want.

“You aren’t going to have me fill out an application or anything?” Logan said, amused.

“No such formalities are needed. We just need to get you in costume and that will do the trick.” the clown said with a big grin. “Aha! This is just the perfect one!” he said pulling out what looked like a pair of oversized overall pants and a colorful t-shirt. They looked like whatever material they were made of was pretty stretchy, Logan noted.

“Why don’t you try it on and we’ll get you started. Unless you don’t want to give it a try.” Chuckles said.

He handed off the costume to Logan, who thought for a moment and then took it and went to the one dressing room off to the side of the shop. He entered and removed his clothes. He put on the shirt, which had baggy sleeves that he hadn’t noticed at first. It hung pretty loose on him, but he shrugged and continued. Next came the pants. He fitted the straps of the overalls over his shoulders and looked down at the costume, which was loose all over.

He then noticed a small cord sticking out of part of the costume with a tag that said “For Better Fit, Pull Me”

“How odd.” he said as he took it in his hand and gave it a yank. Nothing seemed to happen at first, but then he heard a hissing noise. Looking down he gasped when he saw his body was growing larger.

“What the heck?” he asked as he felt so strange all over. The growing was more of an inflation. Like a…

“Balloon!” he said. “I’m blowing up like a balloon. Oh my god!”

At first it was just his stomach rounding out, but then his whole body got in on the act, his butt blowing backwards, thighs blimping up, and as every part of him grew, they joined together, causing his body to take on a very smooth, round shape. The costume fit much better now, and was stretching along with his body now, His arms and legs stuck out comically as part of them began to be absorbed by the growth.

The hissing began to dissipate and the growth stopped, leaving him almost completely round except for his arms legs and head, which had kind of pulled into a bit of a divot in his body. The inflation had also made him taller to accomodate the new bloated size. He noticed this when he whacked his head on the door of the dressing room as he made way out.

“It turned me into a balloon man!” he said exasperated as he saw Chuckles watching as he came out.

“That’s what that costume does. It’s magical! I think it suits you.”

“I...should be very angry right now, but I kind of...like it.”

“Then you should like the rest of the changes too.” he said, watching as his nose began to round out and inflate into a ball. At first it was typical clown nose size, like Chuckles, but then it grew even larger, stopping at tennis ball size. He could barely see past it. It turned red and shiny, like a rubber ball, but reaching up and touching it (which proved to be an effort with his rounded body) proved it was actually part of his face.

“I’m becoming a clown? Like, a REAL Clown?” he said.

“But of course. Clowns aren’t just men in greasepaint. Sure those exist, but us real clowns came first and inspired them. Being a real clown is much more fulfilling than anything they feel.

“COOL!” Logan said as he felt his skin tingling. It was turning a shade of white, spreading from his new nose outwards to every inch of his large body. He felt an odd pressure in his head, which then released when his ears grew to be three times their original size, flopping about as his head tingled. Most of his hair simply vanished, sucking in, leaving only a ring around his head. It turned various shades, which made it a rainbow of colors. His face began to gain different shades of color. Blue half circles above his eyes, red lips that curled into a permanent grin, and multicolored circles on his chin that looked like beachballs.

He then felt a tingle of pressure in his feet. He couldn’t see them, but felt them began to expand and stretch outwards, growing longer and wider, toes getting thicker. Clowns didn’t just wear big shoes to look silly, he realized, but because they needed them. He couldn’t wait to wear his big pair of shoes.

“How about a new name for you my friend. Any thoughts?”

“Well, I am very balloon like, so I feel like that should be a part of it.” Logan said, raising a hand, which now sported a thick cartoony glove. He stroked his his head, trying to think.

“I’d pick soon. Logan does not suit this new form or the mind you’ll soon have.”

“Mind?” Logan asked.

“Your body just experienced a massive magical transformation. The mind can’t hold on much longer after that. You may remember a few things, but a new clown will be born very soon. In fact, I think once you pick your name, it will start.” the clown said, sounding very educated in the ways of clown transformation.

“Aha!” he said as a lightbulb appeared above his head then turned on. “I got it. I’ll be ‘Looner the Clown!” he said.

As soon as the words left his mouth, synapses in his mind began to fire and trigger a rapid transformation in his brain. Memories of being a clown began to form, memories of wanting to be the biggest inflatable clown in Clowntopia, memories of his various exploits. Memories of being Looner, rather than a boring human named Logan.

“Well, Looner. How do you feel about the job offer?”

“Well, shucks, I am so happy you decided to offer it to me! I mean, I’ve always wanted to work for this fine establishment!” he said in a slightly squeaky voice.

“Well, I think you’ll be a star employee, Looner. Would you mind starting right now? I have a lunch date with my beloved Jen-Jen and it would be nice to have someone covering the store while I’m gone.” he asked.

“Sir, your store will be in safe gloved hands, I promise you!” Looner said with a salute.

“I have no doubt. Have fun. That’s the easiest part of this job.” Chuckles said with a smile as he headed through the curtain to the back and vanished into a portal to the world of Clowntopia.

The store was now in the hands of Looner, and he was excited. The clown part of his mind was overtaking him, and knowledge of clown magic and all the items on sale in the shop began to flood his head. He giggled, thinking of the various ways he could introduce someone to the clown life.

“Gosh, I can’t wait for a customer” he said.

And he didn’t have to wait long, as the door to the store opened, and the horn quacked. The noise startled the guest, a young woman in her mid-twenties with long blond hair. She looked like a model, tall and beautiful.

“Oh hello.” She said as she noticed the oddly shaped fellow behind the counter. “I guess I wandered into the wrong store.”

“Oh nonsense, we can satisfy every customer that comes in here!” he giggled.

She looked at him and cocked her head to the side, like a confused dog. His shape was something that she couldn’t quite process. He was big and round, like an over inflated beachball. She kept staring for a few moments, and Looner noticed this.

“Like my body.” he said with a giggle “Sorry that came out wrong. You seem interested in my round shape.”

“I just don’t understand why anyone would dress like that. It’s kind of cute though.” she said, admitting to herself that he looked, at the very least, adorable.

“Well, my body being this round limits my options for clothing. But I think my outfits look stellar.” He said with a chuckle. “Say, perhaps you’d like to try one on?” he asked.

“Uh, I don’t think I have the body to pull something like that off” the girl said.

He smiled and pulled out what looked like a toy space ray gun and aimed it at her. “I can help with that.” he chuckled. Before she could say anything, he pulled the trigger and a beam of green light shot out of the gun and hit the girl square in the chest. She began to convulse and shake, her entire body glowing.

“What the h-h-heck” she said as rapidly her body began to inflate. Everything about her was getting rounder and larger, her chest flattening into her rounding body. Her clothing wrapped tightly around her as her limbs began to pull into the body, her arms stopping at the elbow and the legs stopping at the knee, leaving them sticking straight out as she rolled onto her back.

“Oh god! Stop! No!” she said. Her growth had stopped and she was now round and smooth except her head, arms and legs. Looner walked over. “See, now you have the body to pull of the silliest of outfits!” he said.

“This is not cool! Make me smaller!” she said with a demanding tone. Looner heard her request and smiled. “Smaller, you say. Well, if you insist.”

He procured a velvet sack, tied with a gold lace from the counter and opened it. From inside it, he pulled a glittery dust and sprinkled it on the round woman whose clothing was about to burst off her.

She felt something tingle, and at first was relieved when it seemed as if she was getting smaller, but she wasn’t deflating back to her normal shape. Rather, her entire turgid body was shrinking, getting smaller and smaller with each passing second. her formerly tight clothes slipped off her, leaving her naked as she shrank.

“What. This isn’t what I meant!” she shouted.

“You really should be more clear, dear.” he said. He was amused to see that while her body shrank, her hands and feet shrank at a slower rate, making them look cartoonish and clownish. A perfect fit, he thought. Soon she stopped her descent into a smaller world and was about the size of a basketball with oversized hands and feet and her head pulled into a divot in her body.

“This is insane!” she said as she raised her hands in protest, only to see Looner sprinkle more dust on her head, which began to suck into her body rapidly. Her face then merged with her round body, which disoriented her and left her mind swimming.

“What...wha happen?” she mumbled as her vision came back into view. She saw a big round ball in her eyesight, her new nose, she thought. That’s silly. She was a round clown with a big round red nose, the only thing that wasn’t flattened into her spherical form on her body.

“Well, Bouncy Ball, you look smashing and I have just the outfit for you!” Looner said as he put her into a pair of overalls very similar to his, only just her size and much more pink in tone. He left her feet barefoot, her wide toes giving her a good sense of balance in her new form.

“Gosh, Thanks, Sir! I needed some new clothes!” she said as he placed her on the ground and she waddled out towards the portal to the world of clowns.

As the door to the portal closed, the door to the shop opened. Looner giggled at the quacking horn. In walked a young man, perhaps in his mid-twenties, if Looner had to hazard a guess. He looked handsome and fit and looked amused by the store’s colorful nature.

“Oh, uh, Hello there.” he said as he looked at the clown. “Just figured I’d stop in. Didn’t notice this store had even opened here.”

“We tend to sneak up on people!” Looner said with a smile. “Welcome to the Joke Shop. How can I assist you.”

“This is a strange question, but I am kind of hungry. You don’t have any food here, do you?” the man asked the clown.

Looner nodded and pulled out a tray of what appeared to be thick squares of gooey fudge, only the squares were a vibrant pink color.

“Pink Fudge. a favorite recipe from my...um...hometown.” he said, trying not to talk much about Clowntopia before clowning his guest.

“Oh I dunno. I try to stay away from sweets. I worked hard to get into the shape I am in today.” he said

“Oh nonsense. One little treat can’t hurt you. I promise, it’ll make you feel so much better!”

The young man pondered it. He shrugged and took a piece of the pink fudge and began to eat it. The flavor was hard to describe as he took another bite. It was sweet and thick, like pure sugar, and yet it tasted amazing. He thought back to his childhood where he had been a pudgy kid who loved sweets. In high school he was teased a lot and worked hard to gain a better physique, but now, he regretted it almost. He still loved sweets deep down inside. He had finished the fudge and realized how much he enjoyed it and reached for another one.

Looner watched as the fudge began to do what it was meant to. The man’s weight began to change. going from firm abs and stomach to more of a softer look, quickly evolving into a paunch. His legs thickened, going from muscle toned to thick flesh, and his butt inflated, making his already tight pants start to strain. He was too engrossed in the fantastic flavor of the fudge to care though. His body had began to compress, getting shorter, adding to the thick look he was acquiring because of the fudge. When he stopped, he was about a foot shorter than he was when he entered.

“Enjoying it?” Looner asked with an innocent smile. The man nodded as his hair started turning a shade of pink close to that of the fudge. It poofed up into a curly afro that wobbled about on his head, and he chuckled to himself as he felt ticklish all over. Another peice of fudge was taken and chewed on as his skin turned a white color that went all over and his fingernails took on a light purple shade.

A strange sensation in his groin took his interest for a moment, but then it was gone and she no longer cared. The man who entered was now female where it most counted, and the rest of his body quickly began to follow suit. His pectorals, already soft from weight gain began to push outwards into breasts, growing quickly into around a C cup range. He giggled as he looked down to see his shirt riding up to form sort of a makeshift bra. His pants felt tighter and tighter as his butt continued to expand with thick fat from the fudge, and soon they split off, leaving him in tight boxers and a tight shirt. He had already kicked off his shoes and socks because his feet felt tight, and sure enough they too were getting larger, wider, with pink toenails.

“So there, Sweets, how do you feel?” Looner said. The now female clown looked up. The tip of her nose was red, and had inflated slightly. She smiled at the man in front of her her.

“Oh, I feel delightful. You said you could help me with my clothing. My old boring stuff doesn’t fit anymore!” she noted.

“I certainly can. I can even make your old clothing into your new clothing.” he said as she took a wand and waved it at the discarded scraps of human clothing, and they swirled up and around the new clown, reforming into a pretty pink dress with purple hearts all over it, the bottom of the dress big and swishy. Long knee high socks, striped with white and pink appeared over her big feet and legs.

“Lastly, here is a pair of mary janes just for you, my dear” he said as he took out some large bubble toed shoes to give her. She smiled and sat down to strap them on, then stood up. Gone was the tall handsome man, here was a chubby girl who took pride in her curves.

“Thanks, Looner!” she giggled as he showed her to the portal and sent her to her new home. As he walked back in Looner smirked. He enjoyed this job a lot, it was a thrill to change these boring humans into clowns. As he walked back into the store, he noticed that he was still barefoot. “I should put on some shoes” he said as he wiggled his toes and looked down. “Don’t want to catch a cold.” he joked to himself.

Just as he said this, a cold wind blew into the store as the door opened and a young woman. She was dressed pretty casually, like she just threw on whatever she could. Sweatpants, a loose t-shirt and a pair of flip flop sandals. She had headphones in and was listening to some popular tune that Looner kind of remembered from his human life, but the name of the song escaped him. She was looking around kind of enthralled at the place, amazed at all the offerings it had.

“Hello there!” Looner said as he stood in the middle of the store looking at the girl. She looked at him and burst out laughing. At first he wasn’t sure if that was nice, but he was a clown and laughter was their end goal, so he smiled, thankful for it.

“I appreciate your laughter, miss. What’s your name?” he asked.

“I’m Miranda” she said with a smile as she undid her earplugs. “I hope I didn’t come off as rude, you are hilarious looking.”

“Why thank you! I aim to be hilarious, so that’s quite the compliment” he said.

She smiled and nodded until her eyes noticed something. “Good Lord, look at your feet! They are huge!” she said.

He gave a grin and nodded. “Well, I am a clown. We tend to have those.”  he said as he wiggled his toes.

“I thought it was just a gag...not actual huge clodhoppers like that.” she said. “Where do you even get shoes that big? I doubt you can just hop on down to Target”

She bent over to examine the feet, to see if perhaps it was a prank, that maybe he was a costume piece or makeup. Looner smiled and reached into his overalls and pulled out a pouch. Inside was a glittery dust that he poured into his hand and sprinkled over the girl’s head as she was looking at his feet.

Almost instantly, her body began to change. She stood up, feeling very strange, and noticed her clothing was getting very baggy, except her flip flops, which felt tighter than usual as the thong strap pushed into her toes.

“Huh. what the.” she said as it was now clear she was shrinking. “I’m getting smaller?!” she said as her clothing started to slip on her body.

“Mostly. All except one part!” Looner said as he pointed to her feet, which were larger and getting bigger. The toe strap on her flip flops snapped and her feet surged forward into long wide floppy “clodhoppers” like Looner had. “The more you shrink, the bigger your feet get! It’s kind of ingenious!” he said.

The transformation that was occurring was making her feel woozy. She knew that she should be panicking, but instead was kind of just mesmerized by the whole process. She felt her panties and pants fall off and she stepped out of them dragging her expanding feet along the floor, now only clothed in her oversized shirt. “Why is this happening?” she asked.

“Well, you asked where I get shoes. I don’t just “hop” down to Target, I have to custom make them, and I find I like my shoes to have a little personality. How better to show you then by turning you into my new pair!” he said.

She paused for a moment, then laughed as loud as her now two foot tall body would allow. “I’m gonna be shoes?! That’s silly!” she said.

“Well, you will certainly make a silly pair” he said. She looked over to his massive feet and suddenly felt a warm affection for them. She managed to swing her huge feet and move closer to his, leaving her shirt behind in the process.

“I can’t believe this is happening, but I think I like it!” she giggled. “I do. I love it!’

She looked at his feet and began to wonder what it would like to be worn by him, to be placed on his feet and walked around in all day. The thought filled her with a strange excitement and this made her shrinking excellerate. Soon she was merely a few inches tall with feet as large as his. She began to think only of one thing. Feet. Big feet. Looner’s Feet in particular.

“Feet! Feet! Feet!” she giggled in a squeaky voice. “Put me on your feet!” she said as her tiny body shrunk so small, it vanished, and the two big feet separated, the only thing left of the girl. The feet began to hop about by themselves, getting closer to Looner, trying to get onto his feet.

Looner laughed and picked the feet up, tickling them in the process, which made them squirm, and he could swear he heard laughter. “I can’t wear you until we make you actually into a pair of shoes” he said  as he placed her on the checkout counter. He pulled out the pouch of dust and sprinkled some on the feet and watched as they morphed and changed from fleshy feet into fabric and rubber, stretching out into long wide clown shoes, purple in color with pink rubber trim, and a smiling face, the girl’s, on the side of each, as if it were her brand logo. She couldn’t speak anymore, as she was entirely a pair of shoes. Her laces appeared, and Looner smiled.

“Thanks, Lacey. My new favorite pair of shoes.” he said as he placed the pair of shoes on the ground

He put on some socks and slid the shoes onto his feet and laced them up, and felt that he had made the right choice. “Usually it takes me some getting used to a new pair of shoes, but you are already the most comfortable pair I’ve ever had.” he said.

She couldn’t respond, but she was happy. He felt this as warmth radiated around his feet, which sort of tickled. He strode around the store to break them in and felt proud of what he had accomplished. It had been a very interesting day already, and it wasn’t even half over!

[ethelbertpaul444-blog]

Millions Of Americans Go To Mexico When They Need Healthcare

How much does healthcare penalty in the USA? Let’s leant it this mode: It’s often cheaper to float to another goddamned country, get medicine there, and fly back. It is about to change that Americans do this all the time, and their well-liked destination is their forever slandered neighbor to the immediate south … 5 Going To Mexico For Treatment Can Be Worth It — Even If You’re Already Insured You likely already was well known that healthcare is practice more expensive in the USA than just about anywhere else. But “youre supposed to” also know we got a big ol’ health care overhaul this past decade that was supposed to fix things( amongst other aftermaths, it shortened the number of uninsured Americans by a significant quantity ). And yet even today, Americans find it worthwhile to leave the country when they need treatment. Ogling simply at California, a million medical tourists a year disappeared across the border both before Obamacare and after Obamacare. “If anything, we’ve gotten more business since Obamacare, ” replies Jerry, who shuttles medical tourists south in his shuttle bus. So what’s going on here? div > “American health insurance is really strange, ” mentions Dr. Juan, a Mexican dentist whose practise is a mile south of their own borders. “It can treat so much better or so little.” Some of the American patients who be coming home with Dr. Juan don’t have insurance, but most do, and they tell him it’s still cheaper to pay out of pocket in Mexico than to shed it to insurance in the U.S. Hope still generally leave you with a deductible to pay, and deductibles keep changing. Unless you are eligible for subsidies, your out-of-pocket expenses probably went up under the Affordable Care Act. So cheap care in Mexico can look like one blaze of a good alternative. Costs overall are seemed like it was gonna be 40-65 percent lower than in America — 70 percent or even more if we’re talking about dental wreak. When you’re fronting a five-figure legislation in the U.S ., that means you can buy an aircraft ticket to Tijuana, record a hotel there, get mended, and then throw in another week of sightseeing and tequila on top of that, and you’ll still end up spend less than if you’d come the work done at home. Read Next I Worked For A Company Selling Fake Paintings To Old People You might even save occasion, since these infirmaries don’t acquire you wait for elective procedures. We should mention, though, that American wait times are just the worst in the world. “I get enough Americans complaining about waiting months, ” alleges Jerry. “Canadians have to wait years.” So even some Canadians start the medical outing to Mexico, despite penalty not really being an issue when you’ve got authority healthcare. One recent Canuck passenger of Jerry’s required leg surgery so she could step accurately. “She told him that the wait in Canada was 5 year, ” he pronounces. “I couldn’t believe it.” But she got fixed up five years sooner by ability south( or as we usurp Canadians call it, “south-south” ). 4 Some Tourists Like Mexican Healthcare While Still Being Racist Against Mexicans You might dream there’s something of an intra-state conflicts for patients who bawled for a border wall to keep the filthy Mexicans out, only to themselves go south in their era of necessitate. This is no longer representing the most people Jerry freights, but there are enough of them that he’s come to expect it. div > Someone might refer to the “beaner doctor” they’re go to. Or “wetback doctor, ” which comes off as very ignorant both in the that’s racist impression and in that the speaker appears not to know what that slur literally necessitates. “Wetback doctor would be working outside a Home Depot if it wasn’t for us, ” said one passenger, according to Jerry, demonstrating so many levels of misunderstanding that we don’t even know where to start. One vast somebody got on the shuttle and announced today that it everyone, “I’m a Vietnam vet, and the VA can’t do shit about what I have.” It could be the first line of a moving tale of woe, but Jerry predicted purely by looking at him that the person “wouldve been” perturb. “He preserved mentioning ‘spic with a scalpel, ‘” he tells us, “in place of ‘Mexican doctor’ — or, let’s be real now, ‘doctor.'” Jerry has light scalps( plus a epithet tag that predicts “Jerry” ), so passengers seem to assume he’s cool with hearing insults , not realizing he’s half-Mexican himself. He often doesn’t said so, though in the case of the large Vietnam vet, he did tell the guy he should consider deterring that shit to himself once he’s off the bus. 3 It’s Hilarious How Mistaken Patients’ Idea Of Mexico Is Jerry can generally approximate how much individual patients are all aware of Mexico based on where they’re from. He’ll get parties from Texas or New Mexico or Arizona, and they know exactly what to expect from a major Mexican city, especially if they happen to be Latino. “And then we get parties from space up north, ” supposes Jerry — people who’d never visit Mexico but for this surgery of theirs. “They expect to see mariachi strips everywhere.” Now, we altogether recommend you check out some mariachi music next time you’re in Mexico, but not every locate “theres going” will look like a cheesy themed theme park. Dr. Juan’s office, for example, looks like a dentist’s part anywhere else in the world, to the disappointment of countless Americans with unclear hopes of something strange. A Mexican hospital is … a infirmary, with no special indigenous prospers. “Some people expect taco stands inside, ” suggests Jerry. He’s not kidding; one Canadian patient joyously placed at a booklet that spoke “taco bar on proposition, ” imagining he had been able to get pico and guac in the waiting room. Jerry had to explain that the brochure was for a hotel. div > Other fares complain to Jerry when a infirmary hallway has English publications set forth by staff trying to cater to Americans. These cases want Spanish magazines so they can “see the culture”( even if they can’t spoken said magazines, since they don’t know Spanish ). Some elderly patients, whose part knowledge of Mexico appears to come from Westerns and footage of illegal border crossings, complain about never learning the “real” Mexico, because the city they see has sidewalks and paved roads. 2 Patients Originate Whole Trips Out Of Hospital Visits Some medical tourists do make the opportunity to spend a little more time in the country they’re seeing. Jerry will be taking some busload to the hospital, and he’ll notes the fact that hardly any of the talk behind him is about anything medical. Instead, passengers talk about relaxing by the fund later, or going horseback riding. “It sometimes feels like I’m taking them to a used, ” he alleges. The medical procedure is simply one day of a week-long vacation. div > Good for them, but that’s “the worlds largest” surreal part of this whole thing. Medical costs force Americans into bankruptcy, leave others dead, and acquired these particular cases leave their country in search of treatment they are unable render, but it can also be an excuse to deplete a few daylights working on your suntan. “An American said it was like being given a five-hour sales pitch on a timeshare for two nights free, ” reads Jerry. “The surgery is like the lecture, and the remainder of the expedition procreates up for it.” And why not? They’re still saving coin, even with all the additional stuff included. We’ll say it again: This is nuts. And the cities they inspect merrily cater to this specific kind of traveler. Shuttles like Jerry’s are one part of the medical tourism industry, because no one wants to drive liberty after surgery( or raise their vehicle to a country they’ve learn is full of crime ). Clinics push these shuttles, which pick you up at an American airfield or other spot north of the border and make you immediately to an enthusiastic physician fluctuating a stethoscope. div > Many of these are standalone clinics, but others grab the all-inclusive/ office park model to dive into the “tourism” part of medical tourism. “There is likely to be restaurants, stores, spas, ” adds Jerry. The diners have rice and other soft nutrients, perfect for dental patients still sore from Dr. Juan’s probing. Pamphlets address you to the spa from within the hospital itself. And when you walk out of an nose clinic, you’ll examine hawkers selling something excellent for patients with dilating schoolchildren as well as tourists of all kinds: sunglasses! Which might be sincere Ray-Bans, if you don’t look at the emblem very carefully. 1 Even Medical Tourists Mistrust Foreign Doctors Expensive intends good, we’ve been educated. Cheap symbolizes bad. Cheap knockoffs are sure to be inferior, with cheap Mexican knockoffs obviously not an exception. So some Americans deem lost-cost Mexican healthcare with the skepticism of, say, that sightseer being sided$ 5 Ray-Bans. div > Dr. Juan’s patients think they know more about openings than he does, and insist on describing how their own dentists back home do acts. Or they’ll ask if he knows what Novocain is. “Not if I’m going to use it, ” he clarifies for us, “but if I know what it is.”( He does know what Novocain is. He also knows they are likely planned lidocaine, because most dentists haven’t squandered Novocain for decades .) His favorite route came from a sponsor New Yorker, who admonished him before a procedure, “Be sure to use surgical gloves.” Other patients are amazed “hes having” state-of-the-art rig. One was surprised to see solid brick buildings. Those sentiments seem laughable to Dr. Juan, but patient proposes do suggest that you research any foreign clinic and even check it out privately before agreeing to be treated. Sure, good doctors in Mexico may be as skilled as their equivalents in America, but that doesn’t mean you can trust merely any building in a border hamlet or resort town that blasphemes it’s a infirmary. Perhaps you’ll find yourself operated on by a cosmetologist instead of a surgeon and needlessly end up dead. Or perhaps the mistake will be less major, but you won’t have American tribunals keeping you afterward or get you compensation. Medical tourism comes with gambles. It’s a cluttered workaround that shouldn’t be necessary , not some awful hacker that vanquishes the system. div > Every so often, a patient of Dr. Juan’s will get up from the chair, still in severe suffering, and leave. “Sorry, ” they say, leaving their nonrefundable payment behind. “I can’t do this.” And at least formerly a few months, Jerry makes some fare like that back to the U.S ., their procedure abandoned. One memorable person became it as far as having his leg scraped in surgical prep before getting out of there, scared at the last minute by sounding the doctors speaking Spanish. On the shuttle north, the other fares talked about how well their own procedures had gone, so when they are crossed their own borders, he phoned the hospital, asking if he could do the surgery after all. They told him it was too late — to go forward with it, he’d have to pay the fee a second time. Maybe he ceased up doing that. Even compensating twice, it would still be a bargain. Evan V. Symon is a columnist, interview finder and correspondent for the Personal Ordeal section at Cracked. Have an impressive profession/ experience you’d like to see up here? Then hit us up in members of the forum . i> Interested in making a expedition to Mexico? Check out Fodor’s Guide to San Diego and Tijuana . b > i> Support Cracked’s journalism with a call to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you . b > i> For more, check out A Zero B.S. Guide To American Healthcare and 5 Huge Problems Nobody Told You About American Healthcare . b > i> Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere . b > i> Read more: http :// www.cracked.com/ personal-experiences-2 563 -millions-americans-go-to-mexico-when-they-need-healthcare.html http://dailybuzznetwork.com/index.php/2018/06/23/millions-of-americans-go-to-mexico-when-they-need-healthcare/

[vipcryptosignalscom-blog]

Alec Baldwin’s Lambo Movie Sponsored by way of Crypto Tech

New Post has been published on https://vipcryptosignals.com/bitcoin-news/alec-baldwins-lambo-movie-sponsored-by-way-of-crypto-tech/

Alec Baldwin’s Lambo Movie Sponsored by way of Crypto Tech

Alec Baldwin s Lambo Film Subsidized via Crypto Tech – Bitcoin Information

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31 mins ago

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By

C. Edward Kelso

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Alec Baldwin s Lambo Film Sponsored via Crypto Tech

This yr it seems that crypto is set for its pack up. Hollywood has come knocking in important tactics. Alec Baldwin (The Boss Baby, SNL, Undertaking Not Possible), Antonio Banderas (Shrek, Zorro, Undercover Agent Children), and Oscar-successful filmmaker Bobby Moresco (Crash, Million Dollar Child) are presently filming Lamborghini. It s a biographical film approximately Ferruccio Lamborghini, namesake behind the surroundings s favorite icon for crypto wealth. Fittingly, it s also co-produced through Tatatu, a social entertainment company run on blockchain tech.

Also read: Ver s Sci-Fi Novel Life, Voorhees Buys Tucker s Tie for $27k

Alec Baldwin s New Lambo Film Is Fittingly Crypto Subsidized

Hollywood heavy manufacturer Andrea Iervolino explained, Social networks and leisure platforms are making massive profits through amassing data from their customers and promoting it to other firms without worthwhile their customers. there may be a necessity for a platform that gives upper ranges of transparency to their users, brands, and rights holders concerning the sales generated and monetization of customers. Audiences want free, felony and high quality content with an effortless user experience.

Antonio Banderas

Mr. Iervolino, a rushing 30 yr-vintage Italian, used to be speaking of his recent undertaking, Tatatu, a social media corporate which he implies will run on a model at the era currently causing fainting spells in the company international, blockchain. Despite The Fact That these pages have given voice to serious skepticism about disbursed ledgers actual-global use cases, Tatatu claims it could actually use an immutable ledger to record transactions in an open setting, which might permit for fairer remuneration for content material suppliers. They insist this may increasingly mitigate towards piracy, a lingering concern for mainstream media.

Ferruccio Lamborghini

The nascent challenge has landed a co-manufacturer credit, alternatively, backing the foremost motion picture tentatively titled Lamborghini. Antonio Banderas stars as Ferruccio Lamborghini, at the same time as co-celebrity Alec Baldwin performs antagonist and professional rival Ezno Ferrari. It was written through Oscar-winner Bobby Moresco, and is recently being filmed as of this writing. it will tell the tale of Mr. Lamborghini from Global War II via his creation of what the crypto group extensively considers the ultimate signal of good fortune, the vaunted Lambo. Will Have To it eventually come to marketplace, it’ll be the primary top free up to have a right away connection to crypto tech.

Beyond Bitcoin

Slate Leisure Crew (SEG) bought the drawing close (Spring 2019) documentary Past Bitcoin (Fulwell SEVENTY THREE). SEG plans to run the doc on Binge, its blockchain-based totally, video on call for platform.

Leo Pearlman of Fulwell SEVENTY THREE explains, As a company, we are always searching for new and cutting edge distribution platforms, new how you can reach and engage with our target market and for the fitting partners for our content. Binge is the perfect fit for our film and is the herbal place for audience to seek out and have interaction with this content. the excitement for us as content material creators is that they provide exceptional transparency, cutting-side analytics, and guaranteed payment terms, all of which empower manufacturers like ourselves and offer an excessively different distribution choice than those these days on the marketplace.

Bitcoin.com CEO Roger Ver in Past Bitcoin

Jake Witzenfeld directs, and the doc s center of attention is on three principals: Bitcoin.com CEO Roger Ver, blockchainer Perianne Dull, and investor Ryan Radloff. For a calendar yr, viewers apply the 3 as they try to foment monetary revolution: scaling debate wars, ICOs, regulation, and whether blockchain or bitcoin is the actual innovation.

we are pleased to have Past Bitcoin at the Binge platform, Michael Moyal of SEG distinct. The film supplies an purpose look at the prospective for blockchain to disrupt a large number of industries including entertainment. We at SEG proportion the filmmakers conviction that blockchain technology may also help to facilitate our objective of adding fairness and responsibility to the production and distribution of documentaries, function motion pictures and series.

Is blockchain generation the longer term of film-making? allow us to realize your feelings within the feedback below.

Pictures by the use of Shutterstock.

need to calculate your bitcoin holdings? Take A Look At our gear segment.

TAGSAlec BaldwinAndrea IervolinoAntonio BanderasBeyond BitcoinBlockchainBobby MorescoCrashDIstributed Ledgerentertainment platformEzno FerrariFerruccio LamborghiniFulwell 73Jake WitzenfeldlamborghiniLeo PearlmanMillion Greenback BabyMission ImpossiblemovieN-FeaturedOscar-winnerPerianne BoringRoger VerRyan RadloffShrekSlate Entertainment GroupSNLSpy KidsTatatuThe Boss BabyZorro

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C. Edward Kelso’s major passion is to remove coercive minders from mediums of alternate, disclose sound money to oldsters historically denied capital market get right of entry to, all within the desire of increasing peace and prosperity.

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Bitpay Permits Bitcoin Cash (BCH) and Bitcoin Core (BTC) for Tax Bills. Florida s Seminole County citizens can now pay in crypto for driving force licenses, ID playing cards, or even assets taxes… read extra.

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