#also i can't believe this is like the first time i've ever drawn shadow man looking like... not sad or disgruntled

[waltwhitmansbeard]

thank you for still accepting my fair lady asks!

I've been wondering something since doing a full reread, I know Vax often believes he is this dark void infecting keyleths life most of the time, but does keyleth ever feel, maybe at her lowest, as if she is the darker out of the two considering how death has unwillingly followed her all her life? especially surrounding those she loves? like her mother, the spies she sent to their doom, Vax, actually dying herself, Percy, almost her daughter, her father, I can't imagine how paranoid this girl would be of who will be taken from her next? (which may I add it kind of beautiful how that links with canon) but does that ever weigh her down in the way of thinking she's the void and danger in the relationship?

oh 1000%!! from the beginning, keyleth has believed that darkness follows her, that she must attract it in some way. that's why she spends so much time outside in the sunlight, like maybe she can absorb enough of it to keep the shadows at bay. but it's also what made her so sure that vax was it for her, because at first it's like, yeah, of course this man of the shadows, with darkness in his past and blood on his hands, would be drawn to me, but then she gets to know him and he's all light and joy and life and love, and for the first time, she's not afraid of the darkness anymore.

except, of course, her steadfast belief that she's going to ruin him. she knows who she is, she knows how death haunts her, she knows what kind of life a royal is expected to lead, and she's just so so sure that by continuing to be in his life, she's going to cause him nothing but pain and misery. and she loves him so much, she knows the right thing to do is let him go—but the light he brings to her life is simply too much to ignore.

[antasmas]

Thinking about them...

[missbecky]

Okay, time for another long post about a cool weird thing that happened with my cards last night. I still don't know how I feel about deities, I don't know that I'll ever worship one, as that's just not me to worship. But I have felt as though there was an entity, goddess, force, something trying to reach me. Any time I've tried to glean information on who it was, I kept getting a door slammed in my face. I kept getting messages that I wasn't ready. And I was totally fine with that.

I'm unemployed right now, I'm a single mom, and I live with my disabled mother to help take care of her. With COVID-19, we don't take chances as my mom is in the high risk category. What that all means is that I've had way too much time on my hands. So I've been like a sponge, soaking up all the knowledge I can when it comes to witchcraft. Not being ready wasn't that big of a deal, because it just meant I got to do more research and keep putting off stuff I didn't really want to do.

Yesterday, I did my daily card draw, and the message was suddenly way different. Change has always been in the messages, but also the stopping in order to be ready for the changes. Yesterday morning I drew the the star, the chariot, and the hanged man reversed. I took that as a go for it.

Later that day I was prowling all the research servers, and the went to Google something about deities, and found an article/blog post someone had written about wishing people would stop using a very specific tarot spread for deity identification. Naturally, I decide to do that very spread. It was a five card spread, I wrote down what I wanted to know, and started shuffling. I shuffled for what felt like forever, and then when I laid the cards out, without thinking, I laid out 7. At first I was going to put the last two back, but decided to leave them. And the cards were all over the place. But I looked at it, and thought, "whoa, whoever this is, is not messing around.

So this is what I laid out.

Before I get into breaking down what these cards meant and how each one directly correlates to one specific deity, I want to point out where my head was at going into this.

I basically really actually got started with everything like 2 weeks ago. I'm basically still a newborn, right? Anyway, as soon as I start researching, I keep getting drawn to Deities. That's weird because I'm an agnostic and basically have no interest in higher powers. If they're there cool, if not cool. I have always believed that if there is some kind of being that could mold and shape the world, then my puny human brain can't comprehend them anyway, and it's really none of my concern. So, it's been really strange that this repeatedly keeps sticking out for me. I get the distinct impression that whatever energy is reaching out to me is female, a tie to the moon, the feeling of 3 was there, I knew it had to be associated with motherhood, and just a general overall feel of the empowerment of women. Naturally, I just kind of assumed Hecate, but that never actually felt correct to me.

So the 3 of cups being the first card just kind of reinforced the sense of 3 to me, and the whole sisterhood aspects of women empowering women. I wrote down 3, sisterhood, and good times. In the spread that was supposed to be 5 cards (and I did 7), the first card was supposed to sum up who the deity was.

I love my tarot deck for the strength card the most, I think. Strength is a mama bear. Again, this confirms my feeling of being tied to motherhood. The second card was supposed to represent the deities weakness. I wrote mama bear, power, and overly protective.

The third card was the chariot, and according to the spread this was their strength, their power. I wrote down action, strength, determination, will-power.

Then I get to the 4th card, the lovers. This is supposed to be what they rule. This one had me scratching my head. Now the author said this one will be harder to figure out, because the deities could even try to be snarky with this. I didn't even know what to do with this card, but like it made sense later. As I was going through each card individually, however, I came up with nothing, and in turn wrote nothing.

Card 5 was to be their symbol or association, and I had drawn 7 card. Anyway, I began analyzing the reversed hierophant, and the reversed 2 of cups. By that point I'm feeling personally attacked. And then the King of swords felt like a slap in the face. Words like logical, smart, level headed came up, which is honestly the person I've always prided myself on being. What was that person doing trying to contact a deity? I basically had to stop and ask myself wtf I was doing.

Like all shadow work, I decided to go browse the internet to distract myself from having to think about it too much. So I start googling triple Goddess and love, even though the lovers definitely didn't feel right, I'm like what the hell? Why not? Hecate and Diana come up, well that's not right. So I decide to take away the triple deciding I could just be way off base with the whole 3 thing. So I Google goddess of female empowerment and found a list of badass goddesses, and Artemis stuck out to me. But I'm like, no, that can't be right. This peace loving hippie couldn't possibly identify with the goddess of the hunt (which was the extent of my knowledge about Artemis). I then Google goddess of sisterhood, envisioning a woman running with a girl gang fucking shit up. What the fuck do you know, but that is Artemis.

After that Google search, I decide I clearly don't know enough about Artemis, and had recently downloaded some Greek mythology books, have never had the slightest interest in Greek mythology, but I saved them in my Google drive just in case. After finding out a bit about Artemis from Google, I turned to the digital books I had.

It was crazy how each of the cards began actually tying into the mythology of Artemis. She traveled with like a gang of nymphs, which I'm sure there was some sisterhood there. She helped her mother deliver her twin brother, and became like the patron God of childbirth. She defended babies and Young girls. She only ever wanted to belong to herself and so she requested everlasting virginity. From what I read she was very protective, straight up murdered rapists, and she was strong to a fault, which made sense why the strength card was listed as weakness. Apollo challenged her to hit a target way out in the ocean that she couldn't see, telling her she couldn't do it, she did it to prove she could and there was no better sharpshooter than her. The target was Orion, the only person she ever loved. So the reversed two of cards made sense. The reversed hierophant made sense because she was not traditional, she went against the grain. Her story is far from ordinary, even by mythological standards. She was a straight up badass that lived life on her terms and no one else's. There's nothing more rebellious than a woman with such control of her own life and destiny. And of course the chariot would be her strength identification, she was nothing but action oriented. The lovers could be interpreted several ways, but I take it as a woman who loves herself so fiercely she had no need for any other kind. But also when I think of love, I don't think of romantic love, I think of the bond i share with my daughter. She fiercely loved her brother, and maybe because she helped with his birth it connected her to him similar to that of a mother and child? That of course speculation. But the lovers card could also be a jab at her eternal virginity. And the King of swords sounded exactly like Artemis.

So I'm convinced this spread is talking about Artemis, but I can't shake the aspect of 3. Can't let that one go. Don't know why. So I'm looking through the l The Greek Myths by Robert Graves, and in it he speculated that Artemis was in fact a triad/triple Goddess!!!

Needless to say, I lost my fucking shit after reading that one. I was right in what I felt about what traits I felt the energy having, and the fucking spread related with every gd card.

Oh, and apparently Artemis chose to spend most of her time in the mountains. One of my favorite thing in all of the things is the mountains of Colorado, second only to my daughter, and I even identify as connected with earth elements the most because of my love for mountains. Makes me wonder how long Artemis has been trying to get my attention 😉

Anyway, I don't know what this all means to me personally yet. I've been ridiculously drained today, it's already 11 pm, and I only just now felt like I had enough energy and focus to write this out. So haven't had much time to sit with everything I experienced and felt last night.

However, it was very exciting! And I had to share my experience!

[ncitycafe-blog]

word count: 2.3k

—

it was late, about 10 pm, but you were in a relatively safe part of downtown so you felt safe walking alone, and your apartment wasn't too terribly far. shops were closing one by one, most of your light came from the amber glow of the street lamps with the occasional fluorescent hue from still open convenience stores and office buildings. you were stopped at a light and took time to admire what was around you. there was something so peaceful about the night, you almost got lost in it. up until there was a grip on your elbow, it was gentle but it was so sudden you almost let out a scream.

"babe, sorry!" you looked up a man with slightly longer brown locks. one, mind you, you did not recognize, "i had to close tonight and it took a little longer than usual, i should've texted you to wait inside."

does he have you mistaken for someone else? just as you are about to politely tell him you have no clue what he is on about, he leans down and whispers in your ear.

"if you slyly look over your right shoulder, you'll see a shady looking man. he's been following you for a few blocks now."

you look and, sure enough, you make eye contact with a guy wearing all black and he quickly averts his gaze to look away from you. either way, you had two choices: take the chance of the prince-like stranger being a complete lunatic or take the chance of the guy behind you blitz attacking you the moment he had the opportunity. you took your chances with your knight in shining armor or...nice suit rather.

"it's okay!" you reply cheerily, playing along with the ruse he started, "wanna grab something at the diner before we get home?"

"yeah, sounds great!"

with that, he grabs hold of your hand and the light gives you the go ahead to walk. the guy still follows you two, but now from across the street where he every so often sneaks a quick glance. luckily, he seems to continue walking once you step inside the diner.

"so," you start after the both of you order milkshakes and he gets a burger, "to whom is it i owe thanks for my rescue. and, just to let you know, i carry pepper spray and a pocket knife at all times. that is both a threat and me telling you i could have handled it."

he chuckles, resting his chin on the palm of his hand, "johnny seo."

your blood runs cold at that moment. johnny seo? infamous mafia member under Nterprises? maybe you should have taken your chances with the shady guy.

"don't look so afraid, darling," he says, leaning back against the booth seat. "could never harm a pretty face like yours."

he winks at you, sending a chill down your spine and warmth up to your cheeks.

"well...uh, thank you," you stammer quietly. "isn't it dangerous that i've...y'know...seen your face? for you, that is, because...y'know..."

"hmm, not unless you're confessing right now to having the intention of turning me in, but you seem smarter than that," he shrugs.

your waiter walks up, setting your orders and mumbling a "enjoy" before skittering off. johnny pays no attention to the odd behavior as he dips a fry into his milkshake and then proceeds to eat it, earning an odd look from you.

"what? have you never tried it?" he asks, genuinely shocked when you shake your head. "you have to! it's really good i promise!"

he slides over the fry basket and you mirror his prior action, eyes widening upon realizing he's totally right. he smiles, seemingly pleased with himself for introducing you to one of his favorite food combinations. the two of you finish what you have in silence before he walks you the rest of the way home.

"thank you, again," you say at the lobby entrance, "and for the milkshake, too, though i wish you let me pay."

"no, no, can't let you pay for the first date. however, if you want to buy us coffee sometime..." he trails off.

"date? are you— maybe i should've maced you," you scoff under your breath.

"hey!" he pouts, "that's not very nice."

for a moment, you had forgotten he was a member of one of the most powerful gangs in korea, but that moment was gone upon catching a glimpse of the handgun in his waistband.

"well, better get going!" you laughed nervously, trying to reach the safety of your apartment soon as possible. only, he catches your wrist just as you turn away, whispering lowly in a tone much darker than the one he spoke in all night.

"seriously, i advise you not to try anything, it wouldn't be pretty and i don't look forward to what would have to be done."

with that, he disappears into the shadows of the night, leaving you in the cold embrace of the wind and the moon as your witness. did this make you an accomplice to the mafia? maybe if you just never saw him again, you could pretend it all happened in the first place. head spinning, you finally stepped into your building and made your way up to your room, crashing as soon as your body hit the mattress.

and you didn't see him...for a couple of weeks. but one night, he showed up at your doorstep. how he got through lobby security? you haven't a clue, but he surely was insistent as he brushed passed you, into YOUR home.

"shit, well, come on in i guess," you mumble.

"the night we met," he ignores your remark, annoying you further, "did you notice anything strange?"

"afraid you're going to have to be more specific than that. what kind of strange? two men casually following me strange? handgun on one of said men strange?"

"can you be serious for two seconds?" he pleads, "did you see anyone else suspicious?"

you sigh, taking a moment to actually think, "um, the waiter acted a bit odd. scared, i guess?"

"what did he look like?" he asks firmly.

"jesus fuck i don't kn—"

"well, remember." his tone sounds bitter, harsh.

"woah, attitude much?"

"sorry, sorry," he takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. "i think someone saw us, me, that night."

"why do you think that?" now you're concerned.

he doesn't answer, just hands you an envelope. inside, there are photos of you two walking, sitting in the diner, outside your apartment complex. you can't quite grasp what this all means, but you don't like it one bit.

"i— johnny?" your voice wavers. "w-what does this... am i..."

he nods, "pack a bag, believe it or not you're safer with us for the time being, until we find out who did this."

"us?" you ask, rhetorically.

he nods again, waving you off to go pack as he sits on your couch, placing his head in his hands.

and that's how you wound up under the unexpected protection of Nterprises.

a few months passed, all leads leading to nothing but dead ends. you grew numb to it after awhile, but johnny was frustrated as when the hunt began. a bounty on his head? fine. a bounty on you? it tore him apart. there were times you found him silently weeping alone in the middle of the night when you'd gotten up for any reason, and every time, your heart ached. he blamed himself. sure, from some standpoint he could be held accountable, but this isn't what he wanted. it was just the wrong place at the wrong time.

you had learned more about the "business" whilst living under headquarter's roof, it was only natural. the first night you'd come in everyone was attentive and tried their best to...make you feel welcome. it was the least they could do, and there was no point in wasting time pretending you didn't exist. they knew you would be around for quite some time. Nterprises was built under the lee clan decades ago, and had held steady ever since. taeyong is head of the business, he's the one who really briefed you on everything. he made it very clear they didn't go around killing people as they so please, they hardly did any killing at all. to them, it was all about money, which did set your mind at ease a slight bit. he was surprisingly nurturing, not just to the other members but to you as well, much more so than you ever could have expected. he was one of the ones you saw more often, along with mark and haechan, and johnny of course. doyoung, taeyong's second in command, appeared as cold and indifferent to you, but taeyong assured you he would have your back if the time came. the others were always either busy behind closed doors or away on what mark simply put as "business trips", so you didn't have much interaction with them. you made the best of your time, there was no point to spend it wallowing.

you spent so much time with johnny, you two naturally became insanely close. in the rare times you could forget about the world around you, you would did anything normal friends would. cook and make a mess in the kitchen (much to taeyong's discontent), watch movies, act a damn fool, talk about anything and everything under the sun. he was incredibly goofy, having the boyish charm of a young child. however, he was also the most genuine and caring soul you'd ever met. he was deep thinking and seemed to always appreciate the finer things in life. there was a light in his eyes that never seemed to burn out.

one night, around 2 am, you are woken up by a clatter in the main room. you open your door, taeyong and yuta, one of the other members, run by you in a flash. you follow suit, gasping and tears welling up in your eyes at the sight in front of you. johnny is torn to shreds, scratches covering his face and a couple of deeper wounds on his biceps, probably a broken rib as you examine the way he clutches his side as he writhes on the floor in pain. you push passed the boys, kneeling down beside him.

"what happened? who did this? johnny, oh my god, we need to get you to a hos—"

"nakamoto," he says bitterly through gritted teeth, "your men wish you farewell, i sent them your regards."

you turn around, confused. taeyong has his gun drawn and pointed at yuta, who has a shit eating grin on his face.

"tsk, tsk," he mocks, "too clever for your own good. you really weren't supposed to make it back here tonight, what a shame."

"enough!" taeyong shouts, and it echoes throughout the room.

"yeah, yeah," yuta dismisses him as he puts his hands on his head, "do what you must, i took the risk. besides, i've transferred enough information, i'm really the least of your problems.

taeyong walks him deeper into the house, disappearing into its shadows. you turn back to johnny, tears in your eyes.

"c'mon, w-we have to get you to a hospital," you choke through tears. "doyoung! doyoung, g-get the car he's—"

"he's seen worse," mark says, barely audible above a whisper.

"the kid's right," doyoung sighs, "and we just can't risk that right now. let's get him upstairs and patch him up, we have enough in first aid, patch him up and he'll be okay. as long as he actually rests."

johnny? resting? you would have laughed if not for the circumstances. but you get him upstairs with the help of mark and doyoung, washing your hands and wiping your tears as he sits against the wall of the bathroom, and you begin treating his wounds the best you can. it's silent for awhile, but you finally manage to clear the lump in your throat so you can speak.

"sometimes," you start softly, "i sit in bed and wonder what would happen if things were different."

"what do you mean?" he questions, wincing as you wrap the gashes on his arm.

"what if we met under different circumstances? what if we'd met like in one of those cheesy romance movies, and we'd fallen in love so seemingly oblivious to the cruelties of the world?" you laugh halfheartedly. "or, what if we never met at all? then, neither of us would be here in this moment right now. you wouldn't be hurt, i would just be in my apartment alone probably watching some stupid series on netflix to pass the time alone. and that's just it, i would rather have this than have nothing at all, than not having you. and maybe that's what being in love is, being willing to face anything so long as you have what is most important to you."

the room falls silent again, and you attentively continue to treat his wounds. you feel dumb, like you just made something really awkward out of the situation. you were so overwhelmed that it all just came out without even thinking of what he—

"marry me," he says tenderly, looking into your eyes.

"w-what?"

"i said," he carefully lifts up one of his hands to cup your cheek, "marry me. maybe not now, maybe not this year, but someday."

“someday," you smile, just before placing your lips gently on his.

"i told you!" you hear haechan snickering outside the door.

"children! go to bed!" johnny jokes sternly.

and you both giggle, still sitting there on the bathroom floor as you hear the sound of footsteps fleeing down the hall.