#also i realize i script from the 70s would still be using CUT TO

[shanastoryteller]

Happy Blorbo Day Shana. Can we get some Goncharov. /s

[popculturebuffet]

Monthly Muppet Madness: The Muppet Valentine's Show and Muppets: Sex and Violence (Comission for Emma Fici)

Happy almost valentine's day all you happy muppets! Yes we've got a whole lotta love going into this week's reviews and it was weird not to include my faviorite troupe.. and once I found out the first pilot was valentine's theme, I asked to cover it this month and asked emma if she'd be intrested in using her patreon review to cover the other seemingly fitting pilot, Mupppets Sex and Violence So here we are: Jim had WANTED to do a muppet show since before even Seasame Street, but had hit roadblocks trying to get it out due to executives having the same low view of puppets as they presently do of animation, assumign i'ts only for kids and has no merits. And while my thoughts on that line of thinking are pretty clear

It didn't make it easier for Jim. It's why it took two pilots to even get to series and why I likely coudln't find a ton of background on either pilot. The most I got is the first was so succesful that they ordered a second special, and that lead to Lew Grade's series order and one of the greatest tv shows of all time.

I"m always curious about the early origins of something and just coming off covering the Wilkins Ads last week I went into this one with high expectations.. were they reached? Find out under the cut

The Muppet Valentine's Show:

I was shocked to find with these pilots that Jim Henson of all people had growing pains, especially at this stage in his career. It's reassuring, as it reminds me EVERY creator takes a while to get going, I know i did, but it's still weird to see something that's ALMOST the muppet show but feels just enough off to feel weird watching. The format is the show nailed down: a wraparound bit with a bunch of sketches and the majority of the sketches are fantastic: We get a great Kermit number with him singign froggy went a courtin to "miss mousY" and fighting her other suitor, a spectacular giant rat puppet, before both end up going to get beers since Miss Mousy runs off with some other dude. IT's a fun bit and one that would fit perfectly into the muppet show proper… and likely only didn't because while Miss Mousy showed up ocne she had to quitely retire aka run the fuck away from miss piggy if she valued her life.

We also get one starring my man thoggg! This.. this is Thogg

I forget his name often but always light up when I see him and it was wonderful seeing him get a bit focused on him, something i'm not sure Muppet Show proper ever did and Mia Farrow is wonderful as his partner. It's a shockingly romantic bit and nicely swee tfor the holiday.

Finally out of the bits I really liked we had a visit on Koozebane as kermit reports on two aliens doing the Galley-o-hoop-hoop, which involves coldiing into each other and exploding

Which is easily the highlight. I'ts not bad and worth a watch.. but what makes it often a slog is the wraparound which is a mess with the cast consiting of Wallay, George, Mildren and Brewster

Yeah none of these characters lasted.. George was the janitor for season 1 befor ebeing replaced, and Mildred and Brewster would have cameos but while Mildred has some personality, she sadly didn't stick around and the rest THANKFULLY didn't. Paticularlly wally who comes off very

Comared to the actually 70's and awesome electric mayhem. I think Jim quickly realized too cool for school just didn't remotely fit him , and those kinds of characters were better as punchilnes. it also has a script is being written as the episode happens gimmick which isn't terrrible but ultimately just dosen't fit the muppets zany stylings. The Muppets Valentine's show is.. fine and worth a watch if you like Muppets History, but not hugely recomendable as a whole. I would WHOLE HEARTDLY recommend the segements I mentioned though> All are worth a look.. their just not worth sitting through a bunch of characters who just didn't work at all to get there.

The Muppet Show Sex and Violence:

Are you ready for some SEX AND VIOLENCEEEEEEEE? Well too bad because the title's more a joke, as you likely expected. It's also still not qutie there yet and a bit of a harder watch than the valentine's day show. The core is better and the sketeches are good.. but it has one thing holding it back from feeling "like the muppet show but just a tad off": for some reason the sketches are all cut up and thus some like at the dance, a great wrestling bit and mor ehave their timing boggled by taking place throughout the show. It can be disoreninting to watch at times and Jim smartley went back to doing them one at a time and the better sketches don't do this at all.

That said while the presentation is boggled, there are a LOT of great ones: presidents trading banter as mount rushmore, at the dance, a hilariously tangly wrestling match, and the debtu sof the swedish chef, electric mayhem and statler and woldorf who are great as always.My tie for faviorites are return to beneath the planet of the pigs, which would later evolve into PIIIIGGGSSS INNNNNNN SPACCCCCEEEEEE, but here is a hilarious planet of the apes sendup, and theater of thigns where the pencils get a new ruler. It's a corny pun but I absoltuely love it. The sketches are all fantastic aside form birds and the bees which is just a bit of birds singing.. ti's just about half get cut up in a way that just wrecks the pacing. The muppet show sketches work so best because even the songs have a nice, fast pace for them, and thus unless a it is designed to be recurring, it dosen't work that way. Jim learned his lesson but it sadly mucks up some really great comedy.

The wraparound is better as it is cut up on purpose and is basically just host nigel, floyd and my boy sam the eagle meeting the seven deadly sins, all various great muppets. Ti's for a pagent that gets cut off by the credits, but ti's a bit that works for me.

What dosen't.. is Nigel himself who I frequently forget exists because he has no real personality. I mean.. Wally was hilariously tonedeaf, but he at least had a personality and cool dude shades> nigel is just there and thankfully this finally got jim to realize Kermit was the missing piece.

So Sex and Violence is both more and less like the muppet show.. but it was close enough. The pilots aren't great and I once again recommend the skits more than the whole.. but I will say they help illustrate why the muppet show is so special: it's all teh various parts coming together and when you see it with the core quartet mostly missing, no real center character wise.. you see WHY their so special. With just a few pieces their fine but it's as a whole they truly shine. Without Kermit's steady hand, Piggy's overdramatics, Fozzy's bad jokes or Gonzo's delightful weirdness, the show just isn't the same. You can have the muppets without these guys, as we'll hopefully see with Mayhem, they can do thier own things and sketches, but without them at the center of the madness it just dosen't feel the same. All the supporting cast was there but the heart of the muppets hadn't developed yet. And once it did we'd get something truly amazing. For now we just get some specials I honestly struggled to talk about for the last few days as ther'es not a ton to say other than "these just arne't great yet". But I appricate them for reminding me why me and emma do this and why the muppets matter. Their not just a bunch of sketches: their this weird family doing these sketches and you need that vibe for it to work. So how do I rank em? well let's see

Yeah it's.. sadly low. Valentine's mildly edges out Haunted Mansion, as it's three skits are enough to make it slightly better in my eyes, but sex and violence is so far the lowest ranked thing that's not a crime against nature as the choppy formatting just makes it hard to watch.

Next Month: FOLLOW THAT BIRD. FOR REAL THIS TIME. COME HELL OR HIGH FUCKING WATER PERSONAL ISSUES BE DAMMNED. We're actually doing this so I can finally get this giant childlike bird off my back. SEASAME STREET. NEXT MONTH.

[aestherians]

Choice or Chance?: Exploring voluntarity and categorization in the otherkin and therian communities

Under the cut is the full script for my Othercon 2021 lecture, in which I examine the way we categorize nonhumans based on the perceived amount of choice they had in their identity and how this practice is detrimental to both questioning people and our community as a whole. At the end, I propose a new way to define otherkind and otherlinkers to hopefully move our community forward.

Reading time: 30-40 minutes.

The focus of this lecture has changed a bit since I started working on it. My earliest idea was to discuss the grey area between otherlinks and kintypes - in fact one of my working titles was Grey Zones and Silver Linings. And I still plan on talking about this, though not in the way you might expect. I originally wanted to argue that those who found themselves in this grey area should be able to choose how they wanted to refer to their identity, but the more research and thinking I did, the more I realized that this would still leave a bunch of people torn and confused and wouldn’t solve any of the greater problems in our community. It also seems like such a water-is-wet statement with how the conversation has developed… and you know me, I’m only happy when I’m starting controversies.

So I went looking for the root of this whole categorization debacle.

The nonhuman community, as we know it, didn’t always exist, and though we often say it has roots in elven communities from the ‘70s, that’s only half the truth. While the Elf Queen’s Daughters and related successors such as the Silver Elves are the earliest known organized nonhuman communities, they’re by far not the only pioneers.

Because nonhuman identifying people have always existed, and our numbers have always been relatively small, some of us ended up grouping together without even being aware of the other groups that existed. And of course, all these independently formed groups ended up with their own cultures and traditions and philosophies.

Mailing lists, like the Elfinkind Digest, were generally open for anyone to join and read. But they also weren’t widely known or easy to stumble upon for folks who didn’t already have an interest in these kinds of spirituality and identification. This resulted in a culture where people’s self-identification was generally respected, and they would only be questioned if they made extraordinary claims.

Compare this with the newsgroup Alt.Horror.Werewolves, which was open for anyone to access on Usenet, and which was originally created as just a place to discuss werewolf media. On AHWw, the therians (or ‘weres’ as it was back then) would frequently have to defend their existence against strangers who just found them by coincidence. This would lead to a culture more focused on appearing respectable, which in turn would lead to grilling of new members and shut-downs of “fluffy” topics.

Other independent groups, such as Alt.Fan.Dragons, which was centered around dragons, or Always Believe, which was centered around unicorns, had their own cultures as well. For example, AFD generally accepted dragons from modern fiction, which would not have been tolerated on AHWw.

The Silver Elves is another semi-independently evolved group of elves, fae and similar beings that still exists to this day. They only represent a fraction of our community, but for today’s discussions I find their writings very illustrative. They’ve written about choice of identity on multiple levels. For starters, they believe a lot of elven spirits have actively chosen to incarnate into human bodies. More provocatively, and more interesting to me, they’ve stated multiple times that simply wanting to be an elf means you are an elf.

This is in contrast to the therian community on AHWw, where there was a big focus on involuntary shifts and theorizing on why some people were born with and animal side. I think it’s reasonable to assume this focus on involuntary experiences is due to the werewolf narrative that the community stemmed from. In werewolf media, a person’s wolfish side is rarely, if ever, a choice, while in new age and spiritual communities, like that of the Silver Elves, there’s a greater emphasis on choice of spirituality and subsequently on choice of identity.

It wouldn’t be right to say that every therian back then shared the same idea; however, the idea that involuntary shifts are a core trait of therianthropy does seem to persist in the AHWw’s userbase. Nearly all introduction posts include a line about involuntary shifts. Another idea that repeats itself is that the therian either had a “sudden awakening” or “just always knew” they were animalistic; contrasted with the Silver Elves’ idea that simply wanting to be an elf is enough for you to be one.

-

There are two main ideas about origins that seem to persist in all of this: That one is either born nonhuman or becomes nonhuman. Both are equally true. The ‘born-this-way’-narrative is quite a bit more common than the ‘becoming’-narrative, though that’s not to say that the idea of becoming nonhuman is rare, or even all that controversial in most communities - with a few caveats, that is.

The idea that one can become nonhuman tends to rest on the idea that what we become is outside our control. On the more metaphysical side of things there are stories of people being spiritually transformed into an animal after encounters with an animal spirit, or of having a shard of a god put into them. And on the more mundane side, there are stories of imprinting on a species during early development, or of taking on the experiences of a character after being engrossed in a piece of media. Most people I’ve talked to don’t have a problem with these ideas of ‘becoming’ as something outside your control.

What really gets people’s goat is when someone describes specific choices they’ve made on their journey, which ultimately led to their nonhuman identity.

This finally leads to the theme of this lecture: The topic of choice itself and how we categorize others based on the perceived amount of choice or chance there’s been in the development of their identity.

Questions I’ll discuss include: What kind of choices do we have regarding our identities? What the heck does ‘choice’ even mean in this context? And how does the idea of choice (or lack of choice) affect the way our community functions?

There are many kinds of choices that we inarguably do make on our journey of self-discovery. Probably the first universal choice is to undertake the journey and to seek out a nonhuman community. Choices that naturally follow include choice of labeling - whether we want to call ourselves otherkin, therian, fictionkin, nonhuman, and so on - and the choice to accept or reject whatever feelings caused us to seek out a nonhuman community in the first place. In this line of thinking, being otherkin is a choice - you choose to label yourself as otherkin. However, the feelings, on which you base your decision to label yourself, are not a choice. The feelings that pushed you towards the community were already there.

Another choice that follows pretty naturally in this line of thinking is the choice to strengthen whatever connections you already have. This is something I’m intimately familiar with, as I’ve been doing it since I awakened as a bison. Before I even became aware of my species identity, I knew I was nonhuman. I’d been having simultaneous bison and gnoll feelings for a few years, but couldn’t separate them, and had, without much introspection, decided that I must be some weird kind of wolf. I think a lot of us with uncommon theriotypes have gone through a phase like that.

However, one day I experienced a very strong flashing image - basically a flashback - of being physically a bison. The vision was so vivid and tactile, I immediately knew what it meant, and for the next few weeks I ignored every experience that wasn’t quite bison in nature, and just examined the recognizably bovine feelings. This helped strengthen my bison identity, and in total my questioning process only took around 2 months.

Though I’ve settled in my identity as a bison, and I’m comfortable referring to myself as a bison, I never quit reinforcing it. While I didn’t create the original bison-like feelings, I’m very conscious of the fact that I do choose to connect every trait to my bisonhood that I can. Whether I see the traits as a cause of my current bisonhood, or a result of it, things like being stubborn, preferring physical fights over verbal ones, and even liking the taste of those Beanboozled jellybeans that are supposed to taste like grass… all these traits, that any human could have, are things I connect to my identity as a bison.

I’ve experienced some pushback towards this idea from a few therian communities. A very common rebuttal I’ve run into in introduction threads and grilling threads (which, introduction threads should never be grilling threads in my opinion, but that’s another story)… a very common rebuttal to considering these kinds of traits part of your nonhuman identity is: “Isn’t that just a regular human thing?”

I have so many problems with that question, I’m honestly not sure where to even begin. Yes, those traits are experienced by humans all the time. I think some of the only experiences in the community that regular humans don’t experience are, perhaps, species dysphoria and shifting. But if your identity began and ended with having dysphoria and experiencing shifts, it would hardly qualify as an identity. Treating an identity like just the sum of its parts, rather than a whole and complicated construct, is reductive and it doesn’t just hinder discussion, it stifles discussions.

I don’t know, maybe I’m the odd one here, but my whole nonhuman identity can not be encompassed by my horn dysphoria or the fact that I sometimes feel more like a prey animal than an apex predator. My identity is so much more than that. It’s how I view the world and how I view myself in relation to the world. It’s how I react to things, what I like and dislike, and what I want out of my life. When you envision an identity in this way, as a way to describe who you are, rather than a summary of every individual thing you experience, you absolutely will see some overlap with humans, like it or not.

Another reason I dislike the question “Aren’t those just human traits?” is that it’s often asked in communities where the consensus is that you were born nonhuman, and that your identity is somehow more real or ‘valid’ if it can be corroborated by childhood memories.

While looking back at your childhood and seeing how your current identity might have formed or changed throughout the years can help paint a picture of the identity as a whole, that kind of reminiscence should always be secondary to what you are currently experiencing. Your identity is not based on the fact that you played dog when you were a toddler. Pretty much every human child has played dog or been obsessed with cats or wished they were a dragon. It might be related to your current identity, but if those were your primary nonhuman experiences you would hardly consider yourself nonhuman, nor would you find a home in the community.

No, your identity is based on who and what you are right now, and what you’re experiencing this moment. The validity of your identity should not be judged based on the number of times you pretended to be that creature in kindergarten. Your kintype should be determined based on your current experiences. And if your current experiences include things that humans can also go through, that should have no impact on the validity of your identity.

-

Alright, back on topic: Hopefully, we can agree that there’s no shame in strengthening your connections, reinforcing what traits you already have, and in drawing connections between a nonhuman identity and seemingly human traits. Which is a nice segue into a statement that might ruffle a few feathers:

Linktypes are typically based on preexisting traits that are reinforced to fit a certain narrative or ideal. A copinglink or an otherlink is rarely if ever pulled out of thin air. You just can’t craft an identity from nothing. Yeah, crazy, I know?

This parallels otherkin identities, which, as I mentioned earlier, are based on preexisting experiences and connections that one chooses to give a name and to strengthen.

The process of becoming a linker usually starts with recognizing certain traits that one either wants, or already has but wants to reinforce, by focusing them through a linktype. For example, wanting to become better at handling stress can be difficult to accomplish on its own, but is made easier by thinking about what a specific character or animal would do in a stressful situation.

But you can’t just establish a connection to any given character. There needs to be a resonance between you and the linktype, and if you don’t already have that resonance with the character, it’s impossible for you to craft an identity around them. And in that sense you could easily argue that there is an involuntary aspect to linktypes.

Once the prospective linker has recognized a connection with a character, they will begin the process of reinforcing the identity, which can include anything from writing fanfics in 1st person to wearing clothes reminiscent of the character to asking people to treat you like the character. All things that an otherkin or fictionkind might do when first establishing their identity.

A key trait of linking is that a linktype should fade away once you stop reinforcing it… Linktypes are supposed to go away if you just ignore them and push them away long enough. They’re built to be temporary.

However, a significant number of linkers or former linkers have talked about their linktype becoming an inseparable part of how they view themselves - even the ones who might be able to force their linktype away would at this point become completely different people if they did so.

In other words, their linktype has become an inherent part of who they are as a person. This integrality can appear regardless of how much effort they put into creating the linktype in the first place, and regardless of how nonexistent the linktype was before they created it… What I’m getting at is that some people describe creating an identity from scratch by their own choice, which later becomes an irreversibly ingrained part of them. It’s an experience completely contrary to the idea that we are born nonhuman. I’ll refer to these people as ‘linkers-turned-kin’.

There are a few regular rebuttals I’ve seen to this idea: That linkers-turned-kin just had a late awakening. Or that, perhaps, they felt compelled by their inner true species to seek out the identity. Or even that they were actually born nonhuman, but just didn’t realize until later.

All these rebuttals are disrespectful of the linker-turned-kin’s experiences and intelligence. I won’t even try to hide it: They make me angry. The rebuttals ride on the idea that the born-this-way idea of nonhuman identities is a fact rather than a common belief. I know that for a lot of people the born-this-way narrative rings true. I see you and I am not trying to invalidate your beliefs. Instead, I want you to acknowledge that others may not have the same belief as you. For several people in our community otherkinity is an identity that develops in response to certain traits they have - for some, those traits are inherent, something they’re born with. For others they’re traits that developed later in life, or that were worked towards. And I want to argue that, for some, these traits were expressly chosen.

The reason these arguments against linker-turned-kin make me so angry, aside from the fact that they’re built on the idea that linkers-turned-kin don’t understand their own experiences, and the assumption that your idea of how nonhuman identities work trumps someone’s lived experience… Another reason the arguments make me so angry is that they prescribe more importance to the why than the how of our identity. When you define otherkin by the way our identity formed, you’re basically saying that the cause of otherkinity is more important than the experience of otherkinity.

-

We can’t talk about this without also exploring the community’s animosity towards psychological beliefs.

Through my years in the community, I feel like I’ve had to handhold some folks through the concept of religious tolerance. I remember a little over 4 years ago someone on tumblr asked me my opinion on fictionkind - it would be another 2 years before I had my own awakening, so my response was basically that I was fine with fictionkind, though I didn’t understand their experiences and the only way it could fit into my own worldview was as a psychological phenomenon. Even after my awakening, the latter still holds true. My fictionkinity is primarily psychological. But yeah, somehow my statement that I didn’t believe fictionkinity was caused by past lives got twisted into me saying that fictionkind were all just roleplayers.

Rereading the whole debacle that ensued, this twisting of my words had little to nothing to do with my own personal beliefs - it instead exposed a widespread antipathy towards psychological otherkin. When I have talked about my current experiences as a gnoll, my shifts and my flashbacks and my hiraeth, people generally accept it without a second thought. But when I mention that I believe it’s caused by various psychological phenomena, I have on multiple occasions been told that it must not be a real identity. Some people have even treated my parallel life as just an elaborate fantasy, rather than something that’s completely real to me. I have, word for word, been told that there’s no way I could identify as a nonhuman, or be another species than a human, without believing I have a nonhuman soul. A direct quote: “To say “I am fae” when [you] don’t believe in fae is illogical.”

What I take from these kinds of responses is that a subset of people within our community take it for granted that whatever beliefs someone has about the origin of their identity are objectively true, rather than understanding that our beliefs about our origins are just that: Beliefs. Whatever conclusion we’ve reached based on our experiences, reincarnation or imprinting or something else entirely, and no matter how much we believe in it, it will always be a belief and never a fact. I’m fully convinced that my bison identity is caused by a past life, and that my gnoll and Ben 10 identities are caused by various psychological phenomena. But if that doesn’t fit into someone else’s worldview, they have all the right in the world to explain it away however they want. I have friends who believe my bison identity must be caused by something psychological, and I have friends who believe my gnoll identity must be caused by something spiritual. That is their prerogative.

It doesn’t matter how people make sense of my nonhumanity, as long as they’re respectful towards my own experiences with my identity and don’t try to impose their beliefs on me. If you have to quietly believe that someone really has a faerie soul in order to accept that they’re really a fae, so be it. As long as you don’t try to deny the reality of their current identity. As long as you don’t try to claim that they aren’t really nonhuman, just because they have the quote-unquote “wrong” beliefs about their origin.

There is another, more recent and more prominent, example of the animosity towards psychological otherkin that comes to mind. I will not mention the term itself for fear of people harassing its creator. For the purpose of this lecture, I’ll refer to the concept as “nonhuman by birth”, which is essentially its meaning. If you know which word I’m talking about, I ask that you please don’t mention it in the chat. If you need to know, you can DM me. Also, don’t misunderstand this as me hating on people with past life or soul beliefs. Remember, my own bison identity is based on a soul from a past life.

So, last year a rather old community member on tumblr coined a term, separate from ‘otherkin’, to refer specifically to those who believe they have a nonhuman soul. Which wouldn’t be a problem in and of itself. After all, terms like animafidem and cerebrumalius have been around for half a decade with no issues. However, “nonhuman by birth” is specifically described in its coining post as a “less bastardized” alternative to the word ‘otherkin’. What this post describes as “less bastardized” is spiritual experiences, and specifically those spiritual experiences that are based on soul transfers and reincarnation. Essentially “nonhuman by birth” defines all other beliefs as bastardizations of what otherkinity is supposed to be. All beliefs, including spiritual beliefs that aren’t based on souls or past lives, psychological beliefs, beliefs of becoming nonhuman, beliefs based on magic, neurological beliefs, and archetypal beliefs… None of these are quote-unquote “true otherkin” according to the “nonhuman by birth” concept.

The word thankfully never gained much traction off tumblr, but I have seen individuals use it, and it always, without fail, makes me feel unwelcome, and unwanted. Not because there’s anything wrong with a strong belief in past lives or souls, but because those who choose to use that label specifically believe themselves to be the only true nonhumans. Because the term itself is not based on a respectful, individual belief, but on what its coiner believes to be an objective fact. Because this subset of our community has an almost-evangelical conviction that all nonhumans have nonhuman souls, and those who don’t have nonhuman souls are not nonhuman.

And like I mentioned earlier: The cause of otherkinity can affect the experience a lot. That’s why we have these discussions in the first place - we come together due to our similarities, and we try to understand each other and ourselves by discussing our differences. And this is exactly why proclaiming any version of nonhumanity as the One True Kind of Nonhumanity is so damaging. It completely stifles any exchange of ideas. It makes it impossible for us to understand our differences, and it leads to more and more narrowly defined subcommunities that all believe themselves to be more real than the others.

To define is to limit. We need some limitations, otherwise a dog is a cat and no words have meaning. But we need to be extremely careful where we want those limits to be, otherwise we end up with a community where psychological otherkin are bastards, and only those who are born with nonhuman souls are really nonhuman.

-

The next thing I want to discuss is subjective truth… Subjective truth is one of the most important concepts to understand and really internalize if we wanna have fruitful discussions and respectful experience sharing. In short, a subjective truth is something that is not real because it can be proven to exist through scientific measurements but is instead real because a person experiences it as real. If I make the claim that tea tastes better than coffee, for example, you cannot refute that simply because you think coffee tastes better. We have to understand each other’s experiences and accept that we experience the world in different ways. It’s equally true to say that coffee is better than tea and that tea is better than coffee. This is what I was talking about when I said that the “born-this-way”-narrative and the becoming-narrative are equally true.

So, how does subjective truth apply to this discussion?

A phenomenon in the community I’m sure we’re all aware of is kin memories. If you’re somehow not aware of them, in short they are images, episodes, sensory information, and similar experiences that are thought to stem from another life, usually a past life. They have all the qualia of a memory, except they didn’t happen to the body currently recalling them. These experiences, though, are not restricted to those who believe their nonhumanity stems from a past life. They aren’t even restricted to spiritual otherkin. Plenty of folks with psychological beliefs, mixed beliefs, and other beliefs report the exact same experience: Images, episodes, and sensory information that does not originate from this world or from this current life.

For decades there’s been a lexical gap in the community to describe these memories that aren’t memories. Which is where I can’t avoid tooting my own horn a bit. I have an extremely rich and detailed parallel life as a gnoll, from which I can quote-unquote “recall” events, people, traditions, names, and so much more. It’s all integral to my nonhuman identity.

However, because I believe it all stems from some deep unconscious part of my brain, and because it feels like a parallel life, not a past life, I never felt right calling these things memories. So almost two years ago at this point, I undertook the quest to fill that lexical gap. And after looking through dozens of obscure web pages and dictionaries and articles, I found something useful: The word ‘noema’. Noema is a rarely used Greek word that translates to concept, idea, perception, or thought. And I’ve been very happy to see the term catching on in my corner of the community, where it’s often used as a broader alternative to ‘memory’.

In philosophy, a noema is defined as “the perceived as it is perceived.” At first this might sound a bit vague or esoteric, but when looked at through the lens of subjective truth it suddenly starts to make sense. A subjective truth is something that’s real just because a person experiences it as real. A noema is the perceived as it is perceived. So when we’re using noema as a substitute for memory… when we’re discussing memory-like experiences in the community and we explicitly refer to them as noemata, instead of referring to them as memories, the actual cause of the noema is then irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that it’s in one way or another perceived as a memory. When talking about noemata, it’s completely and utterly irrelevant if they’re real in any objective way - the only thing that matters is that the individual experiences the noema as real. Essentially the word ‘noema’ makes the cause irrelevant, so we can instead focus on the experience alone.

And I think the fact that this word has caught on (at least on tumblr) hints that our community might be moving in a positive direction. I at least dream of a community where we care a lot less about our origins, and a lot more about our actual presence in the world.

-

I had a conversation with a friend a few months ago, about this community-wide worry about the origins of our identity. And just to reiterate, I’m not saying your spiritual beliefs are irrelevant, because they can be really important when forming a whole picture of your identity. I’m more so saying they can be a bit of a distraction. In my opinion, the whole discussion about spirituality vs psychology is a red herring. Most of us didn’t seek out the community because we had certain spiritual beliefs. We sought it out because we felt not-quite-human, and it was only later that we reached any conclusions about why we feel nonhuman.

So, my friend and I talked about the role this discussion of origins plays in our community, and we reached a few interesting conclusions. For starters, it’s really upsetting to some folks to have to earnestly consider the idea that reincarnated souls are no more real or ‘valid’ than psychological imprinting, or any other non-spiritual beliefs for that matter. That’s part of what started the whole ‘nonhuman by birth’ idea I mentioned earlier. And it seems this uncomfortableness stems from a place of insecurity.

At the risk of offending some folks, I’m gonna draw a parallel to the trans community. In the trans community there’s a discussion of origins that parallels the one in the kin community and is likewise an attempt to draw lines between the quote-unquote ‘real’ trans people and the so-called transtrenders - which are supposedly people who pretend to be trans for clout. Those who attempt to draw these lines proclaim that being trans is a medical condition that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy, and one that’s marked by intense dysphoria and stress. They’ll also regularly state that being trans is only real or ‘valid’ because it has been proven through MRI brain scans that some female-assigned people have supposedly male brains, and vice versa.

(And just to make things clear, those brain scans are not real. It’s malicious pseudoscience spread by people who want to ‘cure’ transness by preventing trans kids from being born.)

But I think this attempt at validating your identity - in this case with science - stems from a dislike of one’s own traits, or more likely from the outside world’s dislike of those traits. When certain trans people try to prove themselves more valid than others in the eyes of the public, it’s not because they just hate those they deem ‘not trans enough’ - it’s because they’re afraid of being rejected by the rest of the world. These people are basically saying: “I didn’t choose to be trans. This is how I was born, so you have to accept it because it’s unchangeable.” It’s a cry for acceptance in an unaccepting world. And all this is not to say that some trans people aren’t born trans; I really think most trans people have a narrative like that. I’m more so trying to get across that, someone else’s narrative of choice should have no impact on your narrative of involuntarity. Both are real ways to experience being trans. And in many ways, having a narrative of choosing to be trans is necessary for the community, because it closes the doors for eugenicists who would try to eliminate quote-unquote “the trans gene”.

Viewing transness as a purely medical phenomenon where you need to meet certain requirements to get a trans diagnosis is a really reductive way to look at identity. Like I mentioned earlier: An identity is not just the sum of its parts, and it cannot be summarized by being forced to feel dysphoria. The fact of the matter is that we don’t know trans people are real because we have brain imaging technology, or even because certain people meet the medical criteria for having gender dysphoria. We know trans people are real because there are real people who identify as trans. We should be able to trust that people are trans when they tell us they are. And I think we need to look at nonhuman identities the same way.

Before I move on to the conclusion, I want to explain why this topic has become so important to me. A couple of months ago, after a good year or two of introspection, I realized I had created a hearttype. Not a kintype, but nonetheless an equally integral part of how I view myself and engage with the world. And changing something so fundamental about myself sent my thoughts racing.

When I was a kid I picked up a fear of spiders. It wasn’t bad enough to give me panic attacks, but it was bad enough that I couldn’t pick up a spider and carry it outside, even though I could do so with other bugs. I was around 10 years old when I decided that this was dumb, and I wanted to change it. So as a tween I quickly started on my own exposure therapy, looking at photos of spiders, reading about them, photographing them in nature, and after several years it had gotten to the point where I barely had a reaction to seeing them. But as I continued on, getting used to the idea of holding them and touching them, something changed in me.

Where I had previously felt fear, I started to feel admiration and love and a sense of familiarity. I wanted to surround myself with these animals, I wanted to work with them, and I started spending a not-insignificant amount of money on terrariums. And now, after more than a decade of rewriting my own thoughts and changing a mild fear into a love so deep it affects my sense of identity itself, I feel confident saying I created a hearttype. It was not an easy process. Like I said, it took more than a decade. Changing your entire mindset like that can’t be done with just a snap of your fingers. But evidently, some people are able to do it.

Though I have to add that, even here, it’s very easy to argue that there was some level of involuntarity. I already had an emotional response to spiders when I was scared of them. I don’t think I could form this kind of relationship with something I’m completely indifferent to, like, I dunno, a Toyota or a Marvel character. You can’t really form a relationship from nothing. And I appreciate this argument, because it really highlights just how confusing the entire concept of choice is, and how it doesn’t make sense to define ourselves by our lack of choice, when we can’t even define what counts as a choice.

But yeah, realizing that I created a hearttype, an identity that at the time was considered involuntary… realizing that I didn’t just play a part in creating this identity, but that I did create it, period. It sent my mind spinning, and I couldn’t stop thinking about what else might be possible. If I could create such love in myself, could I also do the opposite and tear down my own hearttype and recreate the phobia? Not something I want to test. But I think I could. And which other identities could be created like this?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the creation process has no impact on the nature of the identity itself, and I ended up posting a really controversial thing on tumblr. In hindsight I understand why some people got so pissed off about it, but I still stand by those thoughts. I’ll read it to you in full: “Theoretically I probably could force myself to not be otherkin. But it would take a decade or more, the way my hearttype creation did, and it would require constant work throughout those years. However, I see no way I wouldbenefit from that work, the way I did when I unintentionally created a hearttype in the process of getting rid of a phobia. It would just rid me of a part of myself that’s intrinsic to how I recognize myself. That’s not something I in any way want - and because I don’t want it, and because the choice would have to happen continuously on a timescale I can barely comprehend, I couldn’t make that choice in practicality.”

A very long and very complicated discussion came out of this post that I’d need a whole separate lecture to recap. But a few important ideas were developed, which I need to mention here. For starters, when discussing shadowwork and the Jungian archetypes, Jasper accidentally coined the term ego alteration. Through that discussion we ended up defining ego alteration as the process by which you proactively alter your conscious mind, your self-perception, and your thought-patterns. It’s not something to be taken lightly, as you’ll essentially be changing your sense of self by it. And it’s also not something everyone has the ability, desire, or drive to do. To integrate something into your sense of self, or to remove something that’s currently a part of your sense of self is serious business, and, like my hearttype creation, is something that should be thought about on a decades long timescale. I don’t have time to get in-depth about it here, but to consciously change your identity and your sense of self is definitely possible for some folks, and it’s nice to have a name for the concept.

Something else that came of that discussion is my own thoughts about how we define otherkin. The most common definition I’ve seen is “to identify, wholly or partially, as something nonhuman on a nonphysical level, by no choice of your own.” … I suggest we drop the last bit.

Okay, it’s a bit more complicated than just deleting a few words. In order to drop the “by no choice of your own” bit, without losing the meaning of otherkinity completely, and letting kin for fun take over, we’d need to rethink that entire definition.

Instead of defining otherkin by the amount of choice we had in the formation of our identity, I suggest we define otherkin by how integral our identities are to us. It was briefly mentioned on in one of the other panels (though I forget which one), but a pretty big source of conflict is that kin for fun just don’t understand the gravity of otherkin identities. If we define otherkinity as something that’s inseparable from who we are as individuals, it would not only make it clear to kin for fun that this is, well, not for fun. It would also get around the problem of people who worry that their identities might be invalid because they’ve made certain choices.

Your otherkinity is inherent, and by that I mean you would be a fundamentally different person if not for your kintype. At its most basic level, your kintype is what you recognize yourself to be. It’s the kind you belong to, rather than, or in tandem with, belonging to humankind. You kintype is an intrinsic part of you, and even if you could get rid of it, it would fundamentally change who you are is a person. If you chose not to be otherkin, you would also choose not to be you. In that sense, I suppose otherkinity is involuntary, in that you yourself can’t choose not to be otherkin, because as soon as you make that choice, you aren’t you. Though you could also argue that it is a choice because you wake up every day and choose to be you. And thus, the topic of choice leaves us running around in circles like it always has.

Being otherkin… being otherkind has never been about being forced to feel species dysphoria. It’s about being of another kind. It’s about knowing and recognizing humankind, and accepting that, in one way or another, that does not describe us.

And all this is not to say that copinglinking shouldn’t be a concept, but we need to rethink that as well. From the very few copinglink writings that exist, one topic I’ve seen several times is the idea of copinglinks becoming inseparable from you. This is not the point of links, and those who do go through a change like that find themselves more at home in the kin community than the link community. I don’t want to impose myself on linkers, but if we want these two words to make sense and have a use, we need to redefine both. I suggest defining copinglinks and otherlinks by their lack of integrality or by their ability to be dropped when necessary.

The line that has been drawn between otherkin and copinglinkers doesn’t help anyone as it is. There are far too many nonhumans who straddle the line, who feel torn between either community, or who only call themselves linkers because they feel pressured to do so. There are far too many nonhumans who don’t feel like they have a community they can call home.

So, I’m gonna propose a new and much more inclusive definition: To be otherkin is to identify as something nonhuman on an inherent or integral level. There you go, clean and simple. No more caveats or nested sentences.

[sakura-83]

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 1 Episode 6: Remorse Is the Poison of Life

1. Diana having to run through the dark with nothing but a lantern and quite reasonably tripping. I never really thought about how dark it would actually be out because there’s always light.., somewhere in a modern city. It’s dark but you can usually still see

2. Every time Anne and Diana are separated they end up reunited during some great tragedy and are like “I missed you so much!!” Like yeah that’s great but. Please focus

3. It’s terrifying how easily children could die before modern medicine. They still can die very easily and that’s still terrifying but back then there was no quick fixes or easily accessible help

4. “It’s an old wives tale.” “I might be one but not the other. Evidently one doesn’t have to be either thing to know it.”

5. Anne knowing how to treat croup because all of Mrs. Hammond’s sets of twins had it

6. “I was supposed to be a boy but when I wasn’t, they decided to keep and raise me.” “How extraordinary!”

7. Minnie May almost choking to death on her own phlegm and Anne ultimately saving her because there’s no way the doctor would’ve made it all the way from Soencervale in time

8. “I believe I need a brandy.”

9. It’s really interesting how much of the script comes straight from the book

10. “I’m so glad I live in a world where there are white frosts, aren’t you?”

11. John Blythe’s love for adventure and how Gilbert undoubtedly sees it in Anne

12. Eliza apologizing for how she misjudged Anne

13. “My darling Diana”

14. “I can’t tie myself down to anything so unromantic as dishes at this thrilling moment!”

15. “Even aunt Josephine said she’d like to see you again, and she doesn’t like anyone.”

16. “Shes disinclined to stay home alone since her companion passed away.” “Her companion?” “Her best friend forever and ever.”

17. “Aunt Josephine never married. Neither of them did, they lived with each other their whole lives.” “I’d live with you forever if I could. But I know you’ll leave me the date you get married to some wealthy and handsome gentleman. I hate him already.” “How’s Gilbert?”

18. “It’s very likely Gilbert’s father isn’t going to get well, so it’s more than possible that when Gilbert finally comes back to school… he’ll be an orphan.”

19. The cut from that conversation to John Blythe’s funeral

20. Matthew grabbing Marilla’s arm because he knows how much john meant to her

21. Gilbert watching the snowflakes melt in his hand

22. Marilla’s flashback

23. Young Marilla teasing john

24. Him giving her the same hair ribbon she later gifts to Anne

25. Anne and Gilbert being just like their parents, mirroring their romance and yet achieving the love Marilla and John could never have

26. Anne trying to make Gilbert feel better but making it seem like it’s about her. I often find it hard to articulate my relation to others in a way that does sound like I’m relating and not like I’m making it about me

27. Aunt Josephine on a stroll in the woods

28. Anne’s ranting about her “extensive knowledge of being an orphan”

29. Her calling Gilbert a dumb boy and refusing to think about him

30. “Romance is a pesky business. No sense to be made of it.”

31. “May I enter your humble abode.” About Anne’s run down little shed

32. “I couldn’t be less interested in Gil- that boy!”

33. “Let your ambitions and your aspirations be your guide.” “But I have so many!”

34. “I’ve always wanted to be a bride, but I don’t really expect to be a wife.” “Interesting!” “So you see the conundrum.” “I do. I have the following thoughts to offer. First, you can get married any time in your life, if you choose to do so.” “That’s true-“ “And two, if you choose a career, you can buy a white dress yourself, have it made to order and wear it whenever you want.” “Why didn’t I think of that!? I love that idea! I’m going to be my own woman!” “I’m a proponent for making ones own way in the world.”

35. “If you become a doctor, perhaps you can discover a cure for old age.”

36. Anne calling aunt Josephine her new role model, as well as Marilla and Matthew

37. “I’m going to be the heroine of my own story.”

38. Marilla finding an old letter from John

39. The theme Unrequited Love playing during this scene

40. It’s fascinating when you come to recognize the instrumentals by name, the names actually have a lot of double meanings in relation to the show. Fire in The Town not only plays when there’s an actual fire, but also when Anne’s rumors about prissy set the town ablaze

41. “If the key to a mans heart is through his stomach-“ “Which it is!” “Then, we have to make sure that this is the best shepherds pie that Gilbert has ever had.”

42. Anne wanting a boy to loved for her brain and personality rather than her abilities to keep a home

43. “Don’t you think Gilbert looks even more handsome now that he’s sad?” “I didn’t notice.”

44. I just noticed aunt Josephines mourning clothes, I know she was grieving but I didn’t put two and two together

45. “Take the boy the godforsaken pie before I suffer a mental collapse.”

46. Anne rambling excitedly about Jane Eyre.

47. Anne almost spoiling the book, just like Gertrude used to do

48. Anne suddenly breaking down over death. I’ve done that before, far more frequently in middle school when I realized that we all die someday

49. “It must be awful beyond measure to lose someone that you love deeply. In a split second, a heartbeat, they’re gone forever… and there is nothing you can do to change it or bring them back…”

50. “Anne? You’re crying on the potatoes.”

51. “There’s nothing wrong with saying ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, Ruby. And I’m going to say it because I am.” “You’re just going to make it worse if you say that. His father!! Just died!!!” “That’s what people say when someone dies.” “I don’t want you to upset him.” “He’s already upset because his father just died!”

52. “We hope you like shepherds pie.” “Everyone LIKES shepherds pie 😡. We hope it’s a comfort to you, Gilbert.🥰”

53. Anne telling “but I would make a terrible wife!” And running out.

54. Matthew offering to help Gilbert get his farm back in order

55. Gilbert not wanting to be a farmer but having an entire farm shoved off on him when his only family does, despite being… 14 at most? 15 maybe?

56. Matthew losing all his crops when the Dal Marie sank

57. Billy wanting Gilbert back to control the “ugly orphan” and Gilbert defending Anne

58. “She’s smart, deal with it.”

59. Gilbert telling billy to read a book for once

60. “I’ll give you a tip, okay? I’m not your bud. And if you ever hassle Anne again, you’ll regret it.”

61. “What’s your problem?” “Ask me that again. No, seriously. Go ahead.” “Why you gotta be like that?” “Ask me!” “…what’s your problem?”

62. Gilbert throwing his stuff at billy to preoccupy his hands and THEN punching him straight in his stupid face

63. The boys are fighting!!!! And rolling around in the snow too that’s kind of funny looking

64. Gilbert beating billy in that fight

65. Marilla telling Gilbert about his father

66. All of Gilbert’s siblings died

67. Gilbert’s father taking him to Alberta before he died, where Gilbert was born

68. “You resemble him in many ways.”

69. “He asked you to go?” I’ll always be grateful to him for thinking I’d be brave enough. Obligation… can be a prison.”

70. Anne trying to write a letter to Gilbert apologizing for what she said

71. Anne visiting aunt Josephine for advice and accidentally interrupting her grieving

72. “Emotion is rarely convenient and often intolerable, but I find at the moment that I don’t mind it.”

73. “Grief is the price you pay for live, you see. So it’s alright.”

74. “You and I are not the marrying kind.” “Ah, but I was, in my way. And we had a full and wonderful life together, and I gave no regrets. That’s all you really have to decide Anne, to live a life without regrets.”

75. Anne kissing aunt Josephine on the cheek and running off to live said life

76. No Matthew don’t make that loan deal!!!

77. Anne sprinting to Gilbert’s house bit for the first time of many to come, being too late to reach him.

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up:  Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way,  from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years. 

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

[maxwell-grant]

What would a spider man: life story look like for the shadow?

Now that I've actually read Spider-Man: Life Story I can give this one a response. I'm gonna obsess about this question for a while because man what a ride Life Story was.

To those not in the know, the premise of Spider-Man: Life Story is: "In 1962, in AMAZING FANTASY #15, 15-year-old Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider and became the Amazing Spider-Man! Fifty-seven years have passed in the real world since that event — so what would have happened if the same amount of time passed for Peter as well?" and basically it tells the story of Spider-Man as one continuous narrative spanning 57 years, from his beginnings to a potential future, allowing Peter Parker and his cast and world to age in real time and factor in elements from the character's major stories over the decades.

And it's got a lot into it that the premise doesn't convey and there is no way I can even begin tackling a project like this for the 90 goddamn years of The Shadow's history without seriously just writing an entirely different fanfic continuity (and I already have 5, plus multiverses, possibly more) and tipping off way too much about my own plans for the character. Even I have my limits.

So instead, what I'm gonna do is go over the broad strokes of The Shadow's history as it would look like if you could try and condense it all under a consistent narrative, if you could focus on each decade's highs and lows, what kind of story would arise if a deranged Shadow maniac like me were to try and build a basic skeleton for a The Shadow: Life Story story.

Basic rules first: I'm sticking to the idea of Life Story and spanning every decade from the beginning of the character's life to the end of it. The aging and death parts are important so I’m sticking to those. The character's canonical birth date is 1892, so he's not making it intact to the 2000s. We're capping this off in the 90s, although it doesn't mean no further stories can be told. I will avoid mentioning specific historical events like Vietnam and 9/11 for this post to instead focus on The Shadow's trajectory. I will also not be including other characters, only somewhat referencing whatever aspects I deem relevant. I'm not sticking to any continuity, I'm pulling literally everything I can for this one

And putting this one below the cut

The 1930s: The golden years. In 1930, after a long line of life experiences in the Great War and traveling around the world under dozens of names, the man formerly known as Kent Allard has taken to fighting crime in the Great Depression. This chapter would be more of a standard narrative showcasing the trajectory of The Shadow's 30s career, how he's started off as a urban myth fighting gangsters and then progressed to urban avenger with dozens of allies fighting spies and supervillains. Despite being in his home element, he is restless. Another war is on the horizon. We gotta know where he starts, to get a clue of where he's going.

The 1940s: Despite it being the "family friendly American hero" Shadow era, shit gets very, very chaotic in the 40s, way more so than The Shadow could have anticipated. The pulps were relatively tame for this period, by this point instead you have the radio with it's constantly rotating writers and sensibilities, and comics that had far less reservations about either being really boring or really wacky. Far more encounters with the supernatural than before and with supervillains like Devil Kyoti and Monstradamus and Solaris, plus Khan is still around. The Shadow is forced to spend a lot more time traveling the world to deal with the war, spending a prolonged period establishing headquarters in Japan to aid Japanese underground organizations opposing the military. The agents perform rescue missions on concentration camps, and this is the period where you could have the "real" Lamont Cranston start filling in for The Shadow a bit while he's overseas.

There's a particular blurb that got released during this period that explains The Shadow acquired the power to cloud men's minds not by training, but by journeying to Tibet in an unrecorded adventure that forced him to beg the monks to grant him assistance in saving the world. I have some very mixed feelings on this whole backstory but I think there's something to this idea. Some shit went down in the 40s that was way beyond what The Shadow could have anticipated, and to protect the world from it he had to tap into forces that perhaps should have been left untouched.

The 1950s: The Shadow has dissappeared from America alltogether. He gathered up his agents and announced he wouldn't return for at least a decade, and left them with enough money to last a lifetime and retire should they feel like it. Burbank and Cliff Marsland dissappeared with him, and this chapter would probably be told from the Agents's perspective as they face the 50s while we get snippets from Marsland on what The Shadow's been up to. Some of it involves The Shadow helping protect Tibet after Mao's takeover of China. The real Lamont Cranston doesn't put on the costume anymore and instead operates as a fairly regular detective, although he's training on the skills and powers he's picked up overseas. Whatever fantasy madness haunted the 1940s is all but gone.

The 50s had basically nothing in Shadow content other than the last legs of the radio show, which are 200 episodes from 1950 to 1954 that currently don't exist anymore outside of a few scripts. During this time, The Shadow's sole appearence in US content was a parody in MAD Magazine. Overseas however, there were original Shadow novels published in Norway (a story for another day), as well as a Mexican radio and film series, which also featured Cliff Marsland. I have little information on either.

The 1960s: The OG Shadow is still embroiled in conflicts overseas, but the rise of the criminal organization CYPHER forces him to mobilize Burbank and agents old and new alike to deflect CYPHER away from where he's at, although most of them have retired by now. He still cannot return, but he has been secretly instructing Lamont Cranston on furthering along his own latent abilities if he intends to take over in his stead, and Cranston's powers have grown and developed to a point that, although he is pushing 60, he is able to do things even the original Shadow could not. He also invests a lot in merchandising and costume changes, which...doesn't pan out. Nothing in this era really pans out. It's just a really, really frustrating period of bad luck and supervillains that the aging superpowered detective Cranston is able to stop. Lamont Cranston seems to die in this decade.

The 1970s: Inspired by The Shadow's DC series, and most importantly Michael Kaluta's spiffy redesign.

The original Shadow returns to a crime-torn America, intent on starting anew, and sets to rebuilding his network. But something is off about him. He's leaner, meaner, less compassionate and trusting. Just as what happened the first time he returned to America following years abroad, what happened in his sojourns overseas has fostered something inhuman in him, another sacrifice of his own identity for the sake of a world where the weed of crime has only proven more insidiuous. His powers have grown and so have his resources, but despite that, he's bordering on 80 years old by now, and cumulative trauma deep within his bones hampers his effectiveness. He's doing a lot better than he should, by any rights, but he can't keep this up and he knows it. And so, as before, he starts planning for it.

The 1980s: This was the decade where Walter Gibson died with his final Shadow story incomplete, all the movie plans from the 70s were canned, and Howard Chaykin happened, plus the other DC runs. It's the SHIT decade, basically, where everything goes to hell. Whatever plans The Shadow had blew up, dipshit copycats start ruining everything, his network crumbles, and this is probably the ideal decade to kill off Kent Allard.

But this is also the decade where something weird started happening outside of the story: The Ghost of Gay Street hauntings, where visitors on the hotel Gibson wrote the stories in repeteadly claimed to see a ghostly visitor looking exactly like Lamont Cranston, and Gibson himself claimed that to be a tulpa he created by accident.

Kent Allard may have died. But death can never claim The Shadow.

The 1990s-onwards: Somehow, The Shadow is still active. Still elderly, in a much more limited fashion, but still as sharp as ever if not more so. His powers have grown more so than ever before, even blossoming into a limited form of telekinesis. Is he a ghost? Did he somehow survive the events of the previous decade? Somehow, both Lamont Cranston and The Shadow linger on, but is it Kent Allard or Lamont Cranston? Is it someone else?

Who knows?

This is the decade in particular where he's going to be interacting with more prominently with a new generation, whether it's descendants of the original agents, or new heroes that have found themselves in his orbit. Inspired mainly by the Dark Horse Shadow comics, Ghost and The Shadow, and Peter Straub's Mystery and modern takes on the character like Batman x Shadow and the 2017 mini that play up the miserable immortal and ghost teacher aspects, also inspired by my recent realization that The Shadow's ideal future in-universe may be getting to age and mentor the next generation in some capacity.

Anything beyond that, only The Shadow Knows.

[im-the-punk-who]

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@rnmmarchformeta​ Day 1: Tonight’s theme is: Themes

Malex and Music: Tracing a relationship through music used in the show - Part 1

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Given that both Michael and Alex have a personal connection to music, I wanted to go over some of the intricacies of what the music choices and lyrics/stories behind the songs used might tell us about Malex. The music choices in Roswell New Mexico are deliberate and often incredibly pointed. Particularly in the case of Michael and Alex there are elements of their relationship that are not so much underlined as written about only in the lyrical choices that play under their scenes. This choice for me made rewatching the series a lot of fun because as I discovered the lyrics to some of the more obscure song choices I kept discovering new intricacies and motivations for each of their decisions. Below the cut for length.

(Author’s note circa 2007:  (rawr xD) I’m focusing specifically on the parts of these songs that play over or in direct correlation to scenes where Michael and Alex are both present. I would love to explore this theme in the wider context of the whole show and how their interactions with other characters might change some of these but...this is already like 6k and that’s just how the peas and carrots cooked. That said I will be referencing other characters and relationships as relevant, particularly, I will be talking at some length about Milexa and the airstream scenes in 2x06. I personally have a favorable reading of the scenes and what they mean for Michael and Alex. I also talk briefly about Milexa in a few other spots - they’ve been marked as ‘Milexa’ or ‘Miluca’ if you wish to skip them, although I don’t know if this will make sense as a whole without them. But, should you wish. Proceed accordingly. <3)

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Posted on AO3 here.

Sedona - Houndstooth (1x01)

The first song we hear in relation to Malex is ‘Sedona’ by Houndstooth. The song plays during the reunion as we see Alex confront Michael about the chemicals found around his airstream. The verse that plays underneath the scene references how, due to its scenic beauty, the town of Sedona was once a highly sought after filming location but had fallen into obscurity when cowboy movies went out of style in the late 70′s.

Similarly, Alex tells Michael that he is ‘wasting his life.’

“Does the macho cowboy swagger thing ever get old for you?”

“Did it get old for you?”

For me, this scene is as much an introduction to the past between these two as their present. Gone but not forgotten, their interactions are a ‘script’ that the two of them play off of. In other words, Michael and Alex don’t so much interact as play off of what the other expects from the other. This becomes especially clear when in 2x05 we learn that Alex has at least once before warned Michael about ‘wasting his life.’

When The Truth Hunts You Down - Sam Tinnesz (1x01)

The next scene is this one, in which we see Alex contemplating an old picture of himself. We then see Michael watching him.

Later, the last line is overlaid with Jesse telling Kyle about the existence of aliens.

The truth about Michael’s alienness is quiet literally hunting them, but so is something about Alex’s past. As we get to know him, we learn just how much his father is interconnected with all of the worst moments in his life and everrything he has buried and tried to run from in order to avoid it. Michael, Roswell itself - Alex ran halfway across the world to try to run away from the trauma of his youth, and yet here he is.

“Nostalgia’s a bitch, huh?”

“You know I thought when I got back from Iraq you would be long gone.”

“Is that what you want?”

“We’re not kids anymore. What I want doesn't matter.” 

We also find out something of the nature of his and Michael’s relationship and that there are clearly still feelings between them - no matter how much Alex is trying to deny it.

Give Me The Night - Des Rocs (1x02)

This is one of my personal faves from the Malex soundtracks. It just *slaps* okay?

Aside from the obvious nod to Michael’s alienness, this song underscores the divide still between Michael and Alex despite the passionate kiss they shared at the reunion. Michael is initially flirtatious and full of swagger - until Alex shuts him down.

The fallacy of Alex’s rebuke and his dismissal of the feelings behind the kiss are underscored by his refusal to even look Michael in the eye as they talk. Even if he tries to deny them, the truth of his feelings hunts and haunts him because he feels he can never act on his own desires. And in turn when presented with the about face, Michael turns bitter as the push-pull is reinitiated. Michael falls back to the script they’ve been rehashing to save his feelings - ‘puts on a show’ as it were, and Alex falls for it hook, line, and sinker. He is still unwilling or unable to see the truth that lies beneath the surface.

“Isn’t there some law about building on a historical site?”

“A historical - oh you mean because the UFO crashed here? Yeah, we’re not supposed to build on Santa’s workshop either.”

For Michael, who at least to me was obviously hoping things would change this time around, this must feel like a bucket of cold water, especially in the face of Liz Ortecho’s knowledge and seeming easy acceptance of the aliens’ existence. While Max might get his happy ending, Michael is left to keep hiding from the person he loves, never being seen and wondering if Alex’s feelings are even real. 

Two Princes - Spin Doctors (1x02) (Miluca)

In rapid fire we have the next three songs as Michael and Alex spend some time at the Wild Pony. This verse plays under the interaction when Alex comes in the bar and spots Michael.

“Though he got kinda hot. In a ‘sex in a truck, smells like a river, never introduce him to your mama’ kind of way.”

“I hadn’t noticed.”

My boy. My child. My bluntest instrument in the tool kit. Has no one ever told Alex Manes that saying you hadn’t noticed an objectively hot guy is hot is basically code for ‘I haven’t stopped staring at him since I walked in and my brain is not functioning at a high enough level to mask that fact’? Son, please, this is a drunk Wendy’s.

(Also this is huge foreshadowing for Miluca - Michael and Maria don’t have sex *in* a truck but it’s pretty close, we find out later that Michael/the aliens smell like rain, and she tells him he’s not meeting her mother at one point. The angle of this shot is also, for me at least, a hint that Michael is going to become the object of these two ‘princes’ affections, at some point.)

Anyway this is basically poking fun at Alex Manes, repressed disaster, for having no clue what love is and trying to express his affection through like, everything except anything anyone would understand as romantic love. (And we will see this in the flashbacks as well as present day - that Alex mostly uses his station or advantages as a way to show the people he loves he loves them, rather than using words. When he offers Michael the shed, brings him the guitar, uses his military connections to find out about Michel’s mom, hacks into Maria’s computer...listen I got more.) But that isn’t enough, as we’re learning. If only there were some way Alex could also learn that lesson.

And seriously, “This one said he wants to buy you rockets?”

How’s It Going To Be? - Stephen Edwards (1x02)

“Is there really nobody in this world that you wouldn’t risk everything to save? Sad.”

Oh Isobel, if only you knew.

So, aside from returning the kiss Michael initiated at the reunion, Alex has soundly rejected every advance Michael has made for a relationship. Despite that Michael seems to have been harboring some hope that things might be different not that Alex is back more permanently. But now with Isobel bringing into question what he’s willing to sacrifice, I think he might be realizing that toll has been extremely steep already.

(Also truly obsessed with how both Alex and Michael have positioned themselves so that they can casually glance over at each other without arousing suspicion. *Boys*. It’s not that complicated what is this middle school?)

We know that Michael doesn’t like having to keep secrets, and again I have to wonder if he’s regretting not telling Alex he’s an alien, or wondering how that conversation would have gone.

From the previous scenes we can tell something in their relationship is coming to a head - maybe Michael is hoping it’s that he can finally stop keeping secrets from Alex and show Alex who he really is - that Alex will stop misreading him. That Alex will change.

But there is also the expectation that if that happens, Alex will likely leave again. Not just because that’s what Alex’s trauma makes him do, but also because that is how Michael frames all of his relationships. As ‘until you leaves’. He is shown to have a habit of catastrophizing because he doesn’t believe himself to ‘belong’ anywhere(HA) and this is one of those times we’re shown that.

Come With Me - Gold Star (1x02)

“Home can be a person.”

And here we have Alex “thinking about who he was” as Maria closes up the bar. Given where this scene leads with him and Michael, I think the rest of the lyrics to the song are incredibly poignant.

Tell me what were you dreaming? Tell me who were you trying to reach? Gimme something real to believe in Or gimme a reason to leave So i left her standing under shining stars in the Silver moonlight by old Borough Hall - whoever you are

We know that after this evening Alex attempts to rekindle his relationship with Michael, still thinking about who he was, and maybe for the first time trying not to run from what he wants. He’ll be unsuccessful this time, but it’s the first clue that Alex is attempting to break a pattern that has held him in place for ten years.

While he may have been misreading Michael’s stunted growth, we’re starting to see Alex contemplate change in himself. This is the start of Alex’s two season long journey to break out of the fortress he’s built around himself. To ‘put his weapons down’ in an effort to be with Michael.

(She lets her guard down on her way back//to close her eyes and fall asleep - “It was late....I was tired.”)

God of Wine - Third Eye Blind

So clearly the writers were like ‘how can we hurt Milo specifically’ because these lyrics are *so good* as we hear malex talk about the way they view their relationship for the first time in the show.

The music starts just as Michael picks up the old photographs, first of the pod squad, then of himself and Alex playing guitars in the desert. As he packs up the airstream to move it off Foster’s Ranch, Michael is also thinking about the past.

Throughout the series, we’re given a bunch of musical lines about how Michael and Alex can’t go back to what they were, that they have to move forward. And it’s true - as we’ll see over and over again the dynamic they’ve had has been incredibly unhealthy for both of them. But they also cannot avoid the other’s orbit. And when Alex comes to talk to Michael it’s the first time we see him actually decide to initiate - to try and take what he himself wants, rather than waiting or hiding from it. But it is also very much Alex falling back into the ‘madness that holds a truth he can’t erase’ of Michael’s really, very, super, incredibly obvious feelings for him. Our boy is not subtle.

But Alex is still hunted by the past - before we know his history we assume that when Alex references ‘who he was before he went to war’ he means Iraq. But Alex’s war is his father. As much as combat can absolutely be a traumatizing experience, for Alex I never really read that as his main source. As he’ll tell Forrest later - “My PTSD triggers are a little more complicated”.

And so when he tells Michael he’s been thinking about who he was “before he went to war” for me that’s more a callback to who he was before Jesse found the two of them in the toolshed. “When this started.”

As Michael tells him “From where I stand nothing’s changed”  the words “I know, I know, I know” repeat in the background because WE KNOW. We all know, except Alex.

“And that’s a problem for me, Guerin.”

And the siren’s song that is your madness

“Because every time you look at me, I’m seventeen all over again.”

holds a truth I can’t erase

“- and I forget that the last ten years even happened. And then you look away and I remember all over again. And it almost kills me every time.”

All alone on your face

“I never look away. Not really.”

For Michael this is basically confirmation of what he’s been realizing over the last few days - that Alex has been totally misreading him and that yes, Michael, you’re going to have to use your words on this one. 

To which we see Alex’s brain 404-blue-screen for a minute as he realizes what Michael means. Which I personally really appreciate.

And especially since we’ve just learned that a lyric of this song was written on Rosa’s hand the night she died, I can’t believe it’s a coincidence in this being the song that plays underneath this scene - where Alex says he was thinking about who he was before. Everything changed that day for everyone - including Michael and Alex. Michael had gained a terrible secret he couldn’t share, that meant he changed his whole life and started needing to hide and lie and act out, and Alex - not knowing the truth - assumed that it was Michael’s way of trying to push him away and end the relationship. Which leads to the decades long miscommunication of Alex seeing Michael do that over and over again.

For the last ten years, Alex has been seeing Michael as the boy who looks away, then looks back. A Michael whose focus shifts to and away from him and who he sees as wasting his life; directionless and aimless. But as he realizes what Michael is saying he has to recalibrate everything he’s thought their relationship is.

This is possibly the first time Alex has realized that his view of Michael has been wrong. That he really doesn’t know Michael at all.

And we know this interaction has a profound impact on Alex in terms of how he views their relationship. I feel like this is one of those things that becomes a mantra for Alex, later down the line. He repeats it to Michael at Caulfield, and in his song as well, “You never looked away, now I won’t look away” to express his commitment to breaking down the walls he has built up for himself. 

Even though we know the relationship is doomed at this point, it’s the first time a stone falls from the walls Alex has built around himself in a decade.

Here - Chance Peña - 1x03 (Alternate title: “Home”)

Okay I would like to petition to make it illegal to have unreleased songs in episodes, Chance Peña help a bitch out. I had to watch a *fish show* to hear the full lyrics because they’re edited in the show! ( I will also note the next lyric is ‘goodbye, my dear’ which. rude.)

Anyway, we’re given these lyrics as Michael wakes up to seeing Alex has stayed the night. I took the editing, with the previous song choices, to be a reaffirmation of this being something new to Alex, but not necessarily to Michael. Michael knows what he wants from a relationship with Alex - even if he’s put the hope aside from time to time the want is always clear.

For Alex though, a relationship with Michael is something that scares him because of his fear that it can be taken away. (”I just thought that I could be happy, and not be afraid that if I loved anything my dad would destroy it.”) He is trying to make it work - “drawing near” to Michael - but he knows that in order to do that he is going to need to be uncomfortable. To face the fears that have held him back and kept him in comfortable limbo for so long.

I’m also going to flail about how, while RNM has the song listed as ‘Here’, the producer of the other show(Battlefish) identified the song as ‘Home’. I hope I don’t have to yell at y’all, other Roswell New Mexico fans, about how often that word has snuck up on me and knifed me in the back regarding malex. Especially since Alex *is* currently - well, here. With his home. Kill me please it would be kinder.

But then of course we see the old insecurities pop up again as Isobel arrives. Even if he is trying - Alex is nowhere near ready to jump out of the closet yet.

Fast Aint Good Enough - Inkwell Echo (1x06)

I debated adding this one because it’s a little bit reachy, but I thought it was significant in that even when they were seventeen, the thing Alex is ‘afraid of’ is his feelings for Michael - not necessarily of being gay but of what people like Kyle and his father do with information like that.

Wish I’d found the words when we were seventeen-

Kyle asks

“What are you so afraid of?”

-just as Alex catches sight of Michael.

(“I wanted to be the kind of person who won battles. It felt good.”)

Aside from Alex’s general need to protect Michael in any and all situations, I feel like the lyrics of this song - about the singer’s attempt to leave an abusive relationship - underscore that even before the toolshed, Alex was fighting. Even before the toolshed, he has been fighting to this cycle he is trapped in.

While he and Michael build their relationship he starts thinking seriously about leaving and not just surviving but he will ultimately choose to trap himself for years in order to hide his love for Michael.

Like so many gay kids, Alex is fighting a system that deems him guilty of sin - and takes his fighting back as a sign of his guilt. And in order to actually be able to love Michael, he is going to have to figure out how to put down the weapons and the hurt and break the cycle.

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes (1x06)

Are they serious right now I swear to god.

So obviously, we’ve got the origins for everything we’re told about Michael and Alex’s lives changing based on their feelings for each other in like two and a half verses of song. Forget the entire second season we have everything we need right here.

“It was the first time I liked our hometown, though.”

-

“Alex made me believe there was a place for me here.”

We know that for both of them this is really a moment of self discovery as much as it is a discovery about each other. 

For Michael in particular, who doesn’t know why he’s here or who he really is, and who previously had no plans besides leaving the planet, this is the moment that he realizes what he wants - to be with Alex.

And for Alex, to me, this moment is a brief glimpse into what his life could be like. We don’t have any confirmation if Michael is his first kiss with a boy or not, but we do know that this moment is significant in that it’s the first that makes Roswell feel like a place he enjoys being.

And as he is realizing that, the lyrics echo it -

But I realized that I need you // And I wondered if I could come home

(Screeching from the background: WOULD YOU COME HOME)

But of course, as the song says, these things take forever because...well....

(It’s because Alex is dumb. My poor dumb emotionally stunted child. Please go to therapy.)

In essence, this is the moment that sets Michael and Alex on their entwined path. The path that Alex will have to fight to get back to - the path Michael will lose faith in before he later starts to regain the hope that it exists. I also like to think about the link between the last lines:

Remember the time you drove all night // Just to meet me in the morning?

and the line from ‘Would You Come Home’

Would you meet me in the middle // Could we both stop keeping score?

I like to think about the parallel here, about meeting people where they’re at, and the love and care and effort it takes to be willing to drive all night to meet someone. Listen a bitch is soft and gay don’t look at me.

You Can’t Love Me - Novi & Tyler Blackburn (1x12)

(*Whispers and rocks back and forth* this is fine it’s all fine)

Once again we have a song whose lyrics give us a tailor made road map to Malex, and will pop up later in ‘Would You Come Home’. We’ve already seen the implosion of the way Michael and Alex have been orbiting each other for a decade, but now that Alex knows the truth, he actually has the ability to understand Michael in ways he hasn’t been able to before. (Something we’ll see later in Season 2 when he talks with Maria.)

And because of that, we see the true beginning of the journey of Michael and Alex back to one another in a healthier way.

But part of that journey is going to be realizing that what they’ve been doing and the way they have loved each other in the past isn’t sustainable - and maybe isn’t even the way they want to love each other.

“They’re my family, Alex!”

“Alright, maybe! But you are mine. I don’t look away, Guerin.”

“No. We’ve been holding onto this thing. And it’s gotten us nowhere. Just let it go.”

Even though the words are said in anger, there is some truth to what Michael says. Their relationship so far hasn’t been a good one. Where Alex is trying to repeat the words that Michael said to him that made such an impact on him, Michael is (well, a, trying to save his dumb boyfriend from getting flambayed) using the opportunity to reveal how little faith he has in their relationship. To say that no, this doesn’t feel like love.

But as much as the song lyrics are about loving someone who isn’t good for you, they’re also about changing and growing, and about a commitment to be better.

(Sound familiar? Brb, I’m gonna go jump off a cliff.)

Love is messy, and especially for Michael and Alex, love has always been something that hurts. “Home is where the hurt is” - and a really important part of their journey is realizing that, and realizing there is a different way of loving each other.

Additionally for Alex, this is when he starts to realize the full extent of his family’s involvement in hunting and hurting Michael’s family. It isn’t just his dad - his entire family line has been involved in this since before Alex was born. And still is. This is really where he starts realizing the roots of the guilt and shame he’s going to have to deal with in order to be anything to Michael - not even a partner but a friend.

This is the first step in that journey. Not just the commitment that yes - I want to build a home for you - but that first, I don’t know, maybe I need to put down these weapons and pick up a different set of tools?

ON TO SEASON TWO

[reachgirl]

My thoughts on “Buddie”

 1. I think if Fox could realize that sometimes you can’t *plan* for chemistry, it just happens, and when it does it’s magic and you need to let it play out, they would be so far ahead of the curve of other shows and fans beyond their core audience would take notice.  The material IS there to defend it actually happening against claims that they just bowed down to the shippers.

2. On the one hand, I believe that the writers are very deliberately writing a lot of subtext and the directors are leaving in scenes where the actors are making certain choices, both Ryan/Oliver and Peter/Kenneth/Aisha/JLH. But is it just as a “shout out” to the Buddie shippers, or an actual deliberate effort to make a point of how close they are and how dependent they’ve become on their relationship?

3. I’ve talked before how I think deciding on your character’s sexuality before you actually write them out for a while just doesn’t make for believable humanity based on reality. If we’re looking at these two examples, 

Buck has been written in a way that could very well make him bi/pan and not everybody who is and is secure in their identity will go and talk about it constantly. I would also like to remind everyone that bi does not mean you have to stick to a certain quota, like keep your relationships 50/50 male/female. There are many people who are bi who tend to end up in more relationships/even just sexual ones with one gender, and that doesn’t make them less bi or pan. So just because we have only seen him have female love interests during the show, there are some scenes (”Your man crush on Eddie”/”I’m not setting you up with my brother/Hey Now”) that could be interpreted to mean that might not always have been the case, Maddie being the one who would have been there to witness it. We also see Buck not really caring about the social conventions - not only of who he dates - he is consistently written as meeting every person he meets on eye level - even making sure the guy who stole his identity to catfish women wouldn’t lose his dignity in death, but also romantically, we can see him building a connection with Abby through the phone first and falling in love with her as a person, and not caring about her being quite a lot older.

Eddie, and I’ve written about this before, is a little bit of an enigma. Again, we have only seen him in one relationship, and while it doesn’t seem like it was the happiest of marriages, in the end it really did seem like he loved Shannon and wanted to make it work. Up until Ms. Florez we have also seen him almost making a point of not looking to date (”They’re not my type”/”You didn’t set me up, did you?”), and that is pretty much all we know about him. Again, the fact that he was married to a woman and once flirted with one briefly, does not prove or disprove anything. He grew up in Texas, in latino culture, and spent a good amount of his formative years in the US Army, all of these can traditionally be quite conservative. From personal experience even I have seen many people who grew up in conservative environments fall in line with the expectations set for them by their communities (often very early, and Eddie and Shannon did get married quite young), especially if their community doesn’t provide a lot of LGBTQ-visibility or role models. Yes, Eddie does “act” straight, whatever that means and whether that is an actual concept, but the way he behaves in a lot of scenes with Buck, and I’ll get back to this in point 8., could be interpreted in other ways.

4. TV today has gotten a lot better at showing LGBTQ relationships that aren’t a) just on the sidelines b) serving as collateral emotional damage to drive the plot or c) are written in a way that is basically just taking a hetero-couple-storyline and casting two people of the same gender in it. I am worried that they think they can’t do the “coming out later in life” storyline again with Buddie because they already have Michael (which brings me back to point 1. Let the damn magic happen when it’s right in front of your eyes), and they can’t have another main cast LGBTQ character - or two - because they already have Hen (and Karen). Obviously these are not valid reasons, look at other shows like 911 Lone star for representation within the main cast, but of course, this is a double edged sword because there is a concern that they gave us 911 Lone Star to do what they wouldn’t or couldn’t do with the original. (On a side note, Owen Strand is the fairy godfather of Texas and I live for that show)

5. Parallels. This has been talked about a lot, and there are much better posts about it than this one. But writers aren’t stupid, or careless, so I do believe that to a certain extent they’re aware of how they are setting up parallels between Buck and Eddie’s love lives. We have them agreeing to “have each other’s backs” in contrast to Shannon telling Eddie that he never had hers. We have Eddie telling Buck that there is no one he trusts more with Christopher than him, while he makes it clear that while he thinks he can forgive Shannon, he doesn’t think he can trust her. We had Shannon coming back just as Buck decides to leave Abby behind finally, and we had Ali showing up when Shannon dies, and now Ana when the writers point out how single Buck is.

6. Themes. The episode themes in 9-1-1 are kinda like horoscopes, they’re meant to be able to work for multiple storylines and connect all the main characters through one focus. But we’ve seen a lot of themes surrounding family or trust or love that have an obvious connection to a Buddie moment on the show. Chosen Family. Home. Being able to trust your partner. Seizing the day. And even when it’s something that doesn’t immediately connect the two, the scenes are cut in a way that imply there’s a connection, like Eddie telling Chim to tell Maddie he loves her, because tomorrow isn’t promised. Chim calls Maddie to invite her to dinner to finally do this, and right before this we see Eddie asking Buck to lunch - this is probably just a coincidence, right? But we can be sure that the director, writers and cutters were aware of this, and made the choice to do it this way, for whatever reason. Because this is their exact job, telling stories through how they cut scenes together. 7. Christopher. So this might be what makes Buddie a little more unique compared to the, admittedly, dozens of other seemingly “straight bromances” that people have shipped. Most scenes we get with Buck and Eddie that are outside of work, involve Chris in some way. It’s probably safe to say that part of the reason they became so close is because Buck and Chris have a connection that I would wager goes beyond what most friends have with their single-dad-friend’s kid. We see how important Buck becomes in Christopher’s life, and vice versa, pretty much a few episodes after they meet for the first time. Eddie trusts Buck with Chris’ life, and he trusts him with any problems relating to Christopher that he needs to work through. Buck’s his sounding board for his role as a parent, which is interesting considering Eddie has other friends at the 118 that actually are parents? *cough* Chosen family *cough*

8. Closeness. As I said above, sometimes writers plan one storyline, but the magic happens somewhere they didn’t expect, and if that is the case, and you want to be faithful to your characters, you should seize that opportunity. I think we can all agree this is one of those cases where the chemistry is just off the charts. There are long looks, there is a lot of being in sync, there’s constant physical contact when they’re sitting or walking next to each other. Personal space, who? Again, this is something the director could discourage, or use a take that didn’t have Buck grab his belt buckle and invading Eddie’s personal space in his own kitchen, but they decided on this take. They decided on the take of Eddie clearly checking out Buck’s behind and Chim noticing. Now Buck seems to be pretty comfortable with closeness anyway, but Eddie isn’t the most touchy guy with anyone else, so this is noticeable. And it works.

9. Look. Somebody sat down and wrote “You want to go for the title?” and I would pay a lot of money to see the stage directions on that script because holy fuck. There’s a lot of info in their exchanges - and it implies that there are lots of moments that these two talk that we don’t get to see - Buck immediately knows about Eddie and Ana, and he knew about the situation with Shannon too (and didn’t hide his jealousy very well). When they don’t talk, it clearly gets to Eddie, who doesn’t have that many other people he really trusts and can open up to. Cue “husbands fighting in the supermarket”. But what’s also interesting to me is that their dynamic involves a lot of Eddie teasing Buck. “Exoskeleton” “Aren’t you still in that phase?” “You would have talked me into buying a more expensive one”.. and Eddie sometimes uses it to keep their conversations from getting into dangerous, emotional territory, like during the kitchen scene. And I don’t know about y’all, but that sounds like something I’ve done before when I knew there was something to get into, and I just didn’t know how or when. 

_______________________________________

Wow I could keep going but this is already so long. I’m so sorry everyone. But I figured we all now have two weeks so we have time to do a lot of reading 😅Thanks everybody for reminding me about the things that do make it seem like Buddie is an actual possibility, because most of the time, I have to admit, I’m like 70/30 against the hope of it becoming reality. Long live fanfiction! In conclusion, please make it happen, or explain all the choices you have made. YOU CAN’T! 

[alittledizzy]

Hi, Mandy! The podcast with Phil is up! When you have time to listen to it, do you think, you could share some of your thoughts with us? Maybe even do some time stamps with commentary? Like, of course no pressure, but it would be awesome if you decide to express your opinion on the matter ;))) Have a nice day 🌷

My main thought: I love how much more comfortable Phil is talking about his anxiety and things that make/made him anxious now. I’ve never heard him dig in quite so much on how his brain works with insecurities and how intense he can be about editing and how that can cause him to mentally spiral with anxiety. 

Besides that, I don’t think he said much here we didn’t already know, but I sure as heck enjoyed listening to him say it all again. 

Timestamps!

2:30 - Phil would have shown up in pajamas if he’d known it was for a podcast. 2:37 - Interviewer asks Phil when he first realizes he was creative. “I think I just came out of the womb and did jazz hands in the hospital.” 3:00 - His parents gave him a video camera for Christmas when he was eight and he made little friends with his friends. He talks about the horror film he and his friends made when they were ten (that he’s made youtube videos about). He learned to edit then by pausing a video cassette tape and putting the footage in and editing in real time, before he could do it on a computer. He doesn’t know where that creativity came from, but he’s been making videos as long as he’s been able to make videos. 3:51 - He used to watch movies hundreds of times. He wore out the Gremlins VHS tape. He wanted to make things like that, or his own version of that entertainment. 4:05 - Gizmo the Gremlin was his mentor. No, he didn’t have a mentor, but he’s thankful to his parents for letting him do it. If he’d done his homework they’d just say, “Go for it. I’ll get you a video camera if you want to make videos.” He acknowledges that not everyone had that means of doing it, though now everyone has a phone and anyone can do it if they wanted to with a phone recording. 4:40 - When he was young his family was mostly his audience, though they let him play the horror film he made when he was ten at school. “I think having that audience reaction, I was like oh people are actually laughing and enjoying it.” 5:20 - He started youtube because he was impressed by the fact that anyone, anywhere can make something and have the chance to broadcast yourself. He saw people like Smosh and LonelyGirl15. He liked watching people’s lives all over the world. 6:01 - He got two comments on his first video and couldn’t believe it. One from Australia and one ‘somewhere else’ saw it and cared. 6:39 - He had imposter syndrome at the first Vidcon he went to. He went into a party and thought he shouldn’t be in the same room as people like Smosh. It was a learning experience. 6:58 - He found it crazy that a hundred people would come to a panel or meet and greet to see him and it made him feel like this was real, it was really happening. 7:32 - The interviewer asks him how he’s maintained trust with the audience and his answer is, “You’d have to ask the audience, they’re the ones that are still watching. 7:40 - He thinks being himself in his videos has help, he hasn’t had the need to reinvent himself or become somebody else. He feels like his audience are more friends than fans. 8:26 - "You have your long term collaborator, Dan Howell-” “Yes.” 8:27 - He finds it refreshing to collaborate, especially in comedy videos. He thinks he works well in an improvisation style environment, like on the gaming channel. It helps to have someone to laugh and have comedy banter with. It also helps to have someone else with creative ideas so you aren’t in your own head all the time. 9:20 - The interviewer asks about the transition from youtube to the stage shows. It was a big leap - they had ten crew members and it was a learning curve. He’s quite a shy person so going on stage in front of 2000 people was far out of his comfort zone compared to making videos alone. “It was kind of… fighting off my anxiety and thinking, I can do this, these people are here to see me for a reason.” 10:33 - They interviewed potential crew members (about a five minute interview) and they needed to be other creative people and understand the internet. They needed people who understood what they were making, and also wanted people that had a sense of humor and knew how to have a laugh. 11:30 - Specifically talking about TATINOF: they were trying to turn everything people loved about their youtube videos into a stage show, with a narrative flowing through the whole thing. They wanted it to be bigger than anything anyone had seen from youtubers before. 12:12 - You will not be seeing Phil on Strictly any time soon. 12:45 - TATINOF was about 70% scripted but it got changed up based on what the audience were like or what the reactions were. American found different jokes funny than Sweden and they learned to change and mold it. 13:09 - During TATINOF learned he can actually do scripted stuff, because there were scripted sections. He used to say he can’t act but he thinks he did okay with the scripted stuff in TATINOF. 13:52 - Section about the Radio 1 show. It started with him and Dan collaborating as youtubers with Radio 1, and the BBC decided to give them a show. He specifically says that Youtube say how many good comments and views youtube videos get, and that’s how the show came about. It started freelance and then they got the main show. 14:40 - With the radio show, because it’s live you really have to be aware of what you’re saying. There’s an art to working the desk with the music in the background and when to dip it down. They were learning on the go and it was terrifying. For the first three months he’d wake up in the middle of the night with night sweats and have nightmares about saying something wrong. He had panic dreams about the radio, but they got into a flow and he thinks it was an entertaining and innovative radio show. He always likes something that pushes the boundaries of the technology. 15:25 - He shades how 'old school’ the radio is because they had to play music videos off of dvds. If a dvd skipped or broke then the show would just go off air and they’d have to improvise. It was good preparation for doing stuff on stage. 15:55 - He talks about the stage show in America that lost power and improvising it in an unplugged way. He was relieved when people were happy with it. 16:38 - He thinks there are things traditional media could take from digital media: free flowing, less restrictions. On the radio ideas had to go through about ten processes. “By the time you’ve gone through these ten steps of checking, the fun of the creativity is gone about. It’s not about breaking the rules, it’s about trying to be more improvisational and spontaneous when you can. Not everything needs signing off by five people before you tell a joke.” 27:49 - He likes that youtube is more fresh and reactive to pop culture. It feels fresher than television - cites people doing the floss dance on Netflix shows now. It was funny a year ago, and it was written a year ago, but it’s not as funny now. 18:35 - The positive to traditional media is more people bringing experienced voices to the table helping you develop something. Youtubers know a few things instinctively but someone that’s been a scriptwriter for ten years can completely blow your mind. 19:25 - He would like to think the main thing his audience values is authenticity, but he actually thinks it is accessibility that they value more. He’s not like a movie or pop star. 20:14 - He’s fourteen years in and still tries to think of videos that would make him laugh or he wants to watch, but he’s trying to branch out some this year. “Trying new things.” He doesn’t think there’s any shame in seeing someone else’s video and thinking of doing his own take on that. 21:20 - He looks to Safiya Nygard for inspiration - he likes that there’s so much research and planning in her videos. Even if it’s a silly video she has all the facts and goes to all the videos. He got to meet her the last Vidcon and it was nice to hang out with her. 21:56 - He’s inspired by traditional media, too. For a long time it was Scot Pilgrim vs. the World, he used to think if he was going to make a video that was it. He starts talking about editing here and goes in pretty hard on what editing means to him over the next few minutes. 22:50 - He’s good at suspending his disbelief. It’s a good sign if you’re lost in a world. When he saw 1917, he forgot he was in the cinema. 23:13 - “It’s more when I’m watching my own videos, I can’t - I find it really hard to watch it as a viewer. I find I’m so critical of myself and I just see the edits and I’m just like, oh that could be different, that could be different. And even if after I’ve uploaded it I’ll get a text from my friend and they’re like 'oh that was so funny’ but in my head I’m like oh but I could have cut two seconds off that bit. So I think I should learn, and other people should learn, not to be so critical of yourself. Because there can be a point where - I made a video in December and I was looking back at the footage and I was like, I can’t upload this, this isn’t  - this isn’t good enough. But then I just persevered with the editing and it turned out to be really funny. But that self doubt was creeping in like, people aren’t gonna watch this, people aren’t gonna like this. So I need to work on that a bit and think - if people are enjoying my videos I should be able to enjoy them as well.”24:11 - It’s hard not to be numbers obsessed because youtube tells you as soon as you sign in what’s performing well and not. You don’t want to get that feeling when you first log in to your channel, and you can’t really avoid it. “You’ve got to see it as a learning thing rather than an everybody hates me thing.” 25:42 - Once a video is out in the world, he lets it go. He doesn’t obsess over it. He’s more critical in the editing process and actually pressing go rather than after the fact. 26:08 - He’s particularly proud of his coming out video because of the unexpected reaction. The video production wasn’t incredible but he’s proud of the message. 26:40 - They ask him how he’d have felt in 2006 knowing where he’s at now. “No. I’d probably run away.” 26:47 - “I was so shy and anxious, I couldn’t even like… phone for a hairdressers appointment. I was that nervous about public interaction and talking and stuff like that. So the fact that I’ve got to this level now where I can go on stage or talk on a panel it’s just like - it’s kind of mindblowing looking back at where I was. I’m proud of myself for that.” 27:15 - He’s ready to sink his teeth into a big new project, to do something new that’s very Phil and his own thing. He’s obsessed with interactivity. He was making interactive videos ten years ago with youtube annotations and he thinks now broadcasters and traditional media is more accepting of that technology and narrative structure. 28:15 - He pitched one interactive thing that didn’t work out. He shouts out Complex and also Markiplier’s interactive youtube original. 29:02 - It’s good to get feedback on an idea that’s rejected. It would be weird if everyone said yes all the time. He goes a bit in depth here on potential reasons why a project may be rejected and not taking it as an attack or a big negative thing. 30:33 - If he made a film he’d write it, not be the star of it. He’s excited to see where that creative process goes. He’s written a few short stories and tried a long form script. He’s a control freak so he won’t release it until it’s perfect. 31:03 - He sees Youtube as his work, and scripting and pitches as a hobby. He’s not under a deadline with writing and can enjoy free flowing creativity, unlike youtube where he needs to make a video every week. 32:00 - Discussion about the illustrator they had for TABINOF, who worked on The Mighty Boosh.33:00 - When ask him for one thing he’s inspired by at the moment, he says Bandersnatch and talks about it a bit. He still has Scott Pilgrim and Gremlins in his heart, though. “Gizmo’s the one.”

[ajoblotofjunk]

Hi! I've been reading you on Ao3 & wanted to tell you I'm SO impressed with HFoG. I have LOTS of things to say: mainly I was floored by how well you handled so many storylines/arcs while still keeping it clean & basic + tropey & never dumbing down complicated characters thru so many words! I think you outline but wondered if you could share more about your process? I'm in the midst of an 8book graphic novel script & the way you stuck the landing gives me hope! I am a huge fan of all of your work

Hi! Thank you for your lovely comment. 😊 I’m happy to talk about my process.

The way all of my stories start is an idea - sometimes a song will inspire me, sometimes a photo, sometimes a prompt, sometimes a “what if?” question. In HFoG’s case it was the video for Bruce Springsteen’s “I’m On Fire,” where I wanted to write a story where Jaime was the rich car owner and Brienne was the mechanic.

This gets long (SURPRISE) so the rest under a cut to save your dash. This is certainly way more than you wanted to know but hopefully there’s something helpful here. Hee.

Once I get an idea, I start expanding on it in general terms before I start writing - is Brienne his personal mechanic? (At one point she was, for his many, many cars.) Does she work at a garage? Why does Jaime have a car like this and why does he bring it to her? Etc. This is where my initial idea will often undergo the most changes and certainly for HFoG that’s what happened. I don’t really remember why I shifted to F1 - I wasn’t even an F1 fan when I thought of the idea. 😂 I’d watched some NASCAR growing up, but I didn’t want him to be a NASCAR driver and the more I looked into F1 as I became attached to the idea of Jaime as a racecar driver (oh I remember now! He was an ex-driver in initial renditions of the idea, and then I thought it would be great for Brienne to get to actually be a part of the racing world which is why I made him a current driver), the more I realized it fit him perfectly.

Once I have a solid enough idea to get me at least a few chapters in, I start writing, usually with only a vague idea where I want to end up (and often that idea is “they’re together and happy,” because I’m writing romances at their core). HFoG was quite different even from the start because I did so much research to get familiar with F1 that it bred all sorts of new ideas and plot changes even pre-writing. In my very very first version, the story was just a single year and Jaime got the championship and Brienne was happy as his Mechanic and they ended up happy together at the end, which would have been a perfectly lovely story! But once I realized I wanted to include Jaime’s hand injury, that changed a lot of the story and I did some brainstorming work and ended up having a pretty significant outline even before I started writing.

HOWEVER. If you look at even that outline now it’s SO DIFFERENT from where HFoG ultimately ended up. The first six months were the same, but everything after that was changed. Which I think is the fundamental key to how I write: start out with a really strong backbone (Jaime and Brienne falling in love while working together in F1), start writing, discover what the story is as I go along, and continually think about and update and add to my outline as I figure out what I’m really doing. So it’s like half-planning, half-discovery. 

In the original version of hand-loss HFoG, Jaime goes to Tarth in August but they don’t have sex, he crashes in September but he’s wounded like Robert Kubica and doesn’t lose his hand. Brienne ends up convincing her dad to start a team so Jaime can race and they don’t actually get together until the middle of year two, and then Jaime ends up winning the championship that second year.

The reason I changed all that was because as I started writing the fic I wanted more for both Brienne. Jaime, too, but he had a rich emotional plot to support the love story and I wanted Brienne to have that, too. I knew the story was going to be long (70-90k I thought; my longest fic before this was 70k and that felt like a damned novel to me!), and to support that length I wanted Brienne to have her own dreams and personal plot. Everything from the first August and after was something I struggled with CONSTANTLY even while I was writing the story. Brynn can attest to this - I sent her SEVERAL emails wailing and gnashing my teeth and changing my mind constantly about what I should do and where it should all go. I honestly don’t think I felt confident about it until I was actually writing the second year. I second guessed myself repeatedly.

But. I started writing with the original outline because I felt confident about the first few chapters and I trust myself enough now that I know the story will reveal itself if I keep working on it. I had this happen just yesterday with my JB Fic Exchange story, which FINALLY re-settled itself in my head after I kept writing even though I knew what I was writing wasn’t going to be it - that happens a LOT for me, actually, which is also why I write ahead for long stories, because I know things are going to change and I’ll want to go back to earlier chapters to add in moments to support later chapters and changed plots, which I can’t do if I’m writing as I go. Do I flail and freak out every time that I have no idea what I’m doing? Absolutely. Heh. But so far my brain has not let me down. Often I just keep relentlessly writing even though it all feels awkward and weird, because once I stop and re-read and determine WHY it’s awkward and weird, that tells me what I should be doing instead. I’ve thrown away SO MANY words, but they’ve all needed it.

My outline for HFoG was by month, with the idea that each month was a chapter. This is pretty typical for me when I do finally expand on my idea into an outline. All of my multi-chapter fics end up with at least a brief outline with vague, high-level ideas of what I want to happen in each chapter (plot, emotions, romance, whatever), and often one or two specific events or lines of dialogue that have come to me. I don’t write ahead, I write all in a row because of the discovery factor, but when I do get struck by a flash of a scene, I write that down for the chapter I think it’s going to be in.

What’s important for my process is that those scenes can be moved to wherever they need to go, and are often changed by the time I get to them. I do have things in in the final version of HFoG that had been in these early outlines, but not in the place or exact way I first wrote them down, and that’s because as much as I do outline, I have to tell the story I’m actually telling, and that will sometimes wind to places I didn’t expect as I’m writing it. So the outline guides me, but I don’t bind myself to it so tightly that I can’t be flexible when the story demands it. I also re-read the story a lot as I write (or at least the chapters nearest the chapter I’m working on, once it gets to a certain length), because that will often help ground me in where I’m going, too, by remembering where I’ve been.

One of the toughest parts about HFoG as I got deeper into it was juggling secondary and tertiary characters and when to use them and how. Jaime’s and Brienne’s arcs formed the backbone of my outline, but as I pulled in characters, I knew I wanted them to intersect with J&B throughout, usually in support of J&B’s storylines but with the weight of having their own lives going on underneath. To help with that, I had a list of characters who had recurring roles in the story and when I started each chapter, I would go through and remind myself of if I wanted/needed them to appear and what their purpose was for doing so (and a little about what else they’d been up to, so I could throw that in for color - like Pod finding a girlfriend; that had no “plot” effect, but it gave Pod, a character i care about, happiness and was something I could refer to in other scenes just for depth and emotional weight).

As for sticking the landing - I had tremendous anxiety about just that for weeks, most intensely the weeks I was writing the last chapters and right afterward when I was going to post them. I worried people would hate the final confrontation with Tywin, that they’d want more or something different, and in that case it was very reassuring to have Brynn, who was the only one who’d read the ending at that point, to talk me through it. I would HIGHLY recommend a beta who is good at the things you are not, by the way. I can’t tell you the number of times Brynn would make a point about the emotional arc of a scene and remind me to take a step back and look at how the characters were feeling in the moment, and that consistently made the story so much better.

SO. In summary my process is: initial idea; expand on that idea enough I can start writing (which sometimes involved lots of research); outline if I need it but not required as I write the first chapter or two; definitely need an outline after that, organized by chapter, with high points of plot and emotions and whatever else I already have in my head; use the outline as a lamp to illuminate the story I’m telling; keep writing even when it all feels wrong, knowing I will get to the right path EVENTUALLY, and update outline accordingly; lots of freaking out to a sympathetic and smart friend; side-notes about non-main characters so I don’t completely forget them/develop new plot points/expand on existing plot points because of them; hope it all works out in the end. Heh.

Hopefully there’s something helpful here. If you have any other questions, please don’t hesitate to ask! And best of luck on your own big project!! It’s a ton of work but the rewards are great in the end. You can do this!

[f4liveblogarchives]

Fantastic Four Vol 1 #198 & #199

Mon Aug 26 2019 [12:46 AM] Wack'd: It probably bares pointing out that this story is being billed as "The Greatest F.F. Epic of All!". I disagree [12:46 AM] maxwellelvis: I thought that kind of hyperbole on the covers died out with the Silver Age [12:46 AM] Bocaj: I wonder what the greatest FF epic of all is [12:47 AM] Wack'd: Thus far I'm not sure anything's topped the Lee/Kirby epic of the Four being trapped in Latveria, if only for its sheer manic energy as it ping-pongs wildly from one twist to the next, only to end on a shaggy dog note when Doom gets bored and lets them leave [12:47 AM] maxwellelvis: Some people would argue it's the original Galactus Trilogy. [12:48 AM] Wack'd: I mean. If you define "epic" as "more than two issues". Otherwise it's probably the Thomas/Conway/Buscema one where a janitor gets a sentient cosmic cube to turn the world into a bonkers 50s mashup [12:48 AM] Wack'd: Isn't Galactus just 49-50? Otherwise I guess you could include that [12:48 AM] maxwellelvis: Man, that story got kinda last-episode-of-The Prisoner-y in the middle when they're both captured. [12:49 AM] maxwellelvis: People count the Silver Surfer stuff in #48 as part of it. [12:49 AM] Wack'd: That's probably fair [12:49 AM] Wack'd: Anyway! Reed has the Pogo Plane and is going to get Doctor Doom [12:50 AM] Wack'd: Weirdly, he figured this out because only Doom could've designed all the neat stuff he saw at his new job, funded the rocket that got him his powers back, and captured his friends so easily [12:50 AM] Wack'd: And not because his boss is the spitting image of his old college roommate [12:51 AM] Wack'd: Seriously there's one bit where it looks like Reed might recognize Son of Doom and instead it's like "that face? where have I seen that face?" [12:51 AM] maxwellelvis: How could he know what Victor Von Doom looks like? WE barely see his face even in flashback. [12:51 AM] maxwellelvis: I just assume he always has a shadow around that he lurks in. [12:51 AM] Wack'd: Pffft [12:52 AM] maxwellelvis: Like, from what I remember from his origin story, we see his face when we see him as a boy, but as he grows to college-age, his back is turned to us or his face is obscured more. [12:52 AM] Wack'd: The Four have left Latveria alive. Numerous times. But okay.

[12:53 AM] maxwellelvis: When did Doom start hiring goons? I thought his only human employee was Boris. [12:53 AM] Wack'd: We've seen him have human goons numerous times! [12:53 AM] maxwellelvis: Oh [12:53 AM] Wack'd: Just last issue a human goon he had in the 60s came back! I made a joke about what a ridiculous continuity pull it was and everything! [12:54 AM] maxwellelvis: Right [12:54 AM] Wack'd: Okay this feels like a little much but I'm sure everyone will forget he could do this soon enough

[12:54 AM] maxwellelvis: It's just weird because I'm used to him having an army of robotic henchmen, aside from the Doombots even. [12:54 AM] Wack'd: He does run a country. It'd be weird if there were no federal jobs [12:55 AM] maxwellelvis: These guys, to be specific. His Servo-Guards. [12:55 AM] Wack'd: I never said he didn't have robots

[12:56 AM] Wack'd: Man, those are some Tony Stark lookin' goons [12:56 AM] maxwellelvis: Wow, they look way less efficient than the Servo-Guards. [12:57 AM] Wack'd: Anyway Reed tries to rewire one of the robots and as a safeguard it explodes, knocking him unconscious and into a nearby lake [12:57 AM] Wack'd: Yeah, Reed's gonna die less than halfway through the issue, I buy this

[12:58 AM] Wack'd: "Face down in the water." Keith Pollard wins yet another art award [12:59 AM] maxwellelvis: Don't they write the scripts after the art is drawn? [12:59 AM] maxwellelvis: This could be on Marv's head. [01:00 AM] Wack'd: To the extent that this wasn't a myth perpetuated to justify Stan's writing credit, it was dying out by the 80s as comics became more of an auteur medium [01:00 AM] maxwellelvis: Ahh [01:00 AM] Wack'd: So possible, but unlikely [01:00 AM] Wack'd: Last time Doom was thwarted when someone pointed out he probably didn't want to destroy all the historical artifacts in the building so he's learned literally nothing. Very in character for him

[01:01 AM] maxwellelvis: This is the same guy who burned an original Renoir because he didn't like looking at it. [01:02 AM] Wack'd: Also apparently the statue Alicia's sculpting is "a gift to the UN when they vote not to condemn Latveria for its...more aggressive policies" [01:02 AM] Wack'd: Presumably also why Doom's "stepping down"--makes him look good in the run-up to the vote [01:03 AM] Wack'd: Little does he know the UN has no power and any condemnation they issue is basically just to make themselves look good! A rare day one manages to get one over on Doom [01:04 AM] Wack'd: Doom's also convinced the spaceship explosion killed Reed. For some reason. Even Sue has to point out that's a really dumb assumption [01:05 AM] Wack'd: Love me a good "Ben doesn't know when to quit" moment

[01:08 AM] Wack'd: Love a resistance. Don't love that they're big into hereditary monarchy

[01:08 AM] maxwellelvis: Especially because the guy Doom overthrew was a genocidal monster. [01:09 AM] maxwellelvis: Or maybe Doom just does that thing were every Latverian nobleman he undermined and disposed of, in his mind, he always saw the face of the man who killed his father. [01:09 AM] maxwellelvis: Y'know, like Batman. [01:10 AM] Wack'd: Possibly. Marvel Wiki says Rudolpho appeared in person occasionally through the 70s but doesn't mention anything about him being the guy who killed Doom Daddy [01:10 AM] maxwellelvis: I didn't mean to imply that. [01:11 AM] maxwellelvis: But Doom IS the kind of guy who would probably hold him just as accountable as that man was. [01:11 AM] Wack'd: Fair [01:12 AM] Wack'd: So we get to see a bit of the statue carving and the back of Doom's head looks like he's melting and Ben says he "has a puss that makes mine look like Robbie Redford's" [01:12 AM] Bocaj: I wonder if Doom will ever do a T'Challa and make Latveria a democracy so he doesn't have to put in the hours anymore [01:12 AM] maxwellelvis: Never [01:12 AM] Wack'd: Is basically every interesting or sympathetic aspect of this guy besides his origin a massive retcon [01:12 AM] Bocaj: Historically, Doom has walked away from ruling the world at least once because he found it tedious [01:12 AM] maxwellelvis: He loves being in charge [01:12 AM] Wack'd: I'm starting to feel like it id [01:13 AM] maxwellelvis: That sounds more like he didn't realize how much work the entire world would be compared to Latveria. [01:13 AM] Wack'd: So Son of Doom shows up and is like "it's time for the transference" [01:13 AM] Wack'd: I feel like we can all see where this is going [01:13 AM] Bocaj: Whats funny is that I think Doom keeps trying to conquer the world after the Emperor Doom story [01:14 AM] Bocaj: I guess wanting is better than having [01:14 AM] maxwellelvis: He's transferring his mind into his son's body, isn't he? [01:14 AM] Bocaj: He also definitely had some airs of ennui during God Emperor Doom in Secret Wars [01:14 AM] Wack'd: I also guessed this but apparently not [01:14 AM] Wack'd:

[01:15 AM] Wack'd: He's gonna give Son of Doom all the Four's powers [01:15 AM] maxwellelvis: Ah [01:15 AM] Wack'd: Minus one [01:16 AM] Wack'd: hahahahaha

[01:16 AM] Wack'd: This is basically a Superdictionary entry [01:16 AM] Bocaj: HAY THAT MACHINE [01:16 AM] Bocaj: THAT’S THE SAME MACHINE HE USED AS A SKRULL DETECTOR IN AVENGERS EARTH'S MIGHTIEST HEROES [01:17 AM] Bocaj: "It does more than one thing. SHUT UP!" [01:17 AM] Wack'd: Huh! [01:17 AM] Wack'd: Deep cut! [01:18 AM] Wack'd: Love me some casual mook dialogue

[01:18 AM] Wack'd: God so much of this issue is just letting Reed show off [01:19 AM] Wack'd: "How will we climb this mountain?" "I'm a rope now!" "How will we hide from this drone?" "I'll make myself look like part of the mountainside!" "How will we cross this moat?" "I'm a bridge now!" [01:20 AM] Bocaj: So him giving Reed his powers back is thus implied to be not about Doom's self-serving definition of a fair fight but to fill that fourth bubble? [01:20 AM] Wack'd: Probably yeah [01:21 AM] Wack'd: Marv Wolfman: Should I pace this slower so that everyone that's been complaining about Reed not stretching has time to nut? [01:22 AM] Bocaj: pfft [01:22 AM] Wack'd: I fucking love these two

[01:24 AM] Wack'd: I would watch a sitcom about these people [01:25 AM] Wack'd: ...weren't you trying to put a king back on the throne?!?

[01:25 AM] Bocaj: Maybe they don't know what democracy means [01:26 AM] Wack'd: Latveria doesn't seem to have a robust education system [01:27 AM] Bocaj: But they do have a robot education system [01:27 AM] Bocaj: Every latverian schoolchild is taught how to make a Doombot [01:27 AM] Wack'd: So all of the rebels but the main one get trapped between sliding doors and gassed, thus massively simplifying the plot [01:28 AM] Wack'd: Zorba is distressed his men might be dead but Reed reassures him they can still win, which I'm sure was his main concern [01:29 AM] Wack'd: So it turns out Hauptmann is the brother of the original Hauptmann, who died in that Latveria epic [01:29 AM] Wack'd: I forgot [01:29 AM] Wack'd: He's totally on board with overthrowing Doom since his brother...was killed by Doom? Died on Doom's watch if nothing else. [01:30 AM] Wack'd: FINAL SHOWDOWN TIME [01:31 AM] Wack'd: I like that Doom assumes this was a clever ruse on Reed's part and that he did not, in fact, almost die

[01:31 AM] Wack'd: Anyway not final showdown time I guess! Cliffhanger time!

[01:32 AM] Wack'd: Boy the "soul-shattering secret" thing kinda makes me wish I hadn't looked him up

Mon Aug 26 2019 [01:32 AM] Wack'd: FANTASTIC FOUR VOL 1 NO 199: [01:34 AM] Wack'd: I like that Doom plays the piano. That it's just a thing he does and incorporates into his plans just because he likes it.  It's a nice little thing

[01:34 AM] maxwellelvis: That's an organ setup [01:34 AM] maxwellelvis: Just as cliche and ten times as bombastic [01:34 AM] maxwellelvis: Which suits Victor [01:36 AM] Wack'd: Anyway Zorbo is...back outside, now? And he's leading a mob? [01:37 AM] Wack'd: Doom tries to fire on them with his suit weapons but the entire mob pulls out guns and draw on him [01:37 AM] Bocaj: Normal guns? A trifle for one such as VICTOR VON DOOOOOM [01:38 AM] Wack'd: You'd think [01:38 AM] Wack'd: But he backs down and redoubles on his promise to retire [01:38 AM] Wack'd: The mob has formed, essentially, because they don't believe him [01:39 AM] Bocaj: Do they know his plan to put his son on the throne? [01:39 AM] Wack'd: Yes [01:39 AM] Wack'd: Zorbo is threatening to expose the "dark secret" behind Son of Doom [01:39 AM] Bocaj: So they're fine with that but they just don't believe Doom is really retiring? [01:40 AM] Wack'd: Well, they don't know what it is yet [01:40 AM] Wack'd: Zorbo is keeping us them in suspense [01:41 AM] Wack'd: stupid 👏🏼 baby 👏🏼 word 👏🏼 games

[01:43 AM] Wack'd: So apparently UN is threatening to expel Latveria [01:43 AM] Wack'd: This is a weird set of circumstances to slowly unfold over the course of the story but I'm digging it [01:44 AM] Wack'd: Meanwhile: Reed punches out of his sphere and frees the others while Doom is distracted with statue stuff [01:45 AM] Bocaj: Ego is his downfall as happens [01:46 AM] Wack'd: I hadn't thought about it until now but it's very interesting to me that this arc ends not with Reed learning to value his other virtues in lieu of his powers (before of course getting them back) but with him completely forgetting his midlife crisis and reforming the team

[01:47 AM] Wack'd: Like in modern comics there'd be some kind of character beat before the big return but nah, Reed can stretch again! All problems are solved forever! [01:49 AM] Wack'd: Anyway they fight some mooks, dodge some lasers, the usual, before reaching Doom. And Alicia, who is being threatened with a dislocated finger

[01:50 AM] Wack'd: So naturally the Four surrender [01:50 AM] Wack'd: Doom's speech here has big Mother Gothel energy

[01:51 AM] Wack'd: Zorbo frees the Four and Alicia. Quick turnaround time, but then the arc is ending [01:52 AM] Wack'd: The Four show up, reveal Son of Doom as a clone, fight fight fight [01:53 AM] Wack'd: ...huh. Did not see this coming

[01:54 AM] Wack'd: So anyway Son of Doom declares he has no interest in his dad's petty cruelty and thirst for revenge, and the two duke it out [01:55 AM] Wack'd: It's...pretty cool

[01:56 AM] Wack'd:

[01:56 AM] maxwellelvis: I don't think I've ever seen Doom have a breakdown like this before. [01:56 AM] Bocaj: "Learn some self-care, Doom!" "NEVER" [01:57 AM] Wack'd: As with the thing with Agatha and Nick Scratch I kinda wish the hammer had dropped sooner so we had more room to explore this dynamic [01:58 AM] Wack'd: But we definitely get some good mileage out of it in the final moments

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Z 125

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes, a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be the blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.

Every great saga has a beginning, and this one starts with a simple boar.   

Did our porcine friend realize what his actions would bring forth on this day?    Did he know that the Driver’s Ed episode of Dragon Ball Z would be born from his decision to chase after a woman walking home from the Mt. Paozu IGA?    Maybe, but I’m more inclined to think that he just wanted some of the potato wedges Chi-Chi picked up from the deli. 

Meanwhile, Goku’s training for the androids.   Well, not at this exact second.    Right now, he’s watching clouds sexually harass other clouds.   Cloud Master Roshi belongs in Cloud Jail.

As Chi-Chi hoofs it back home after narrowly escaping the boar, she sees the couple from the other mountain driving home in their car.   

When Chi-Chi gets home she’s greeted by her husband and son, who toss their filthy training gear in front of her and head for the tub.  

And that tears it.   She bawls out Goku for not driving her to the store like other husbands, and when he says he doesn’t have a license she tells him to go get one.  Oh, and he can take Piccolo with him, since his useless green ass doesn’t have one either, smh.  

Oh, and if they fail, she won’t cook for them.     I’m not sure why that should matter to Piccolo, since he only drinks water, but maybe Chi-Chi makes some really tasty water.   

So the next day the boys go to the “institute” to take driver’s ed.   Piccolo doesn’t know how he got roped into this, but he doesn’t seem too interested in backing out, either.  

What makes this episode a classic is that they’re both wearng civlian clothing for this aventure.   Goku is dresed in what I like to call “Stealth Fred Flintstone Cosplay.”     Piccolo, of course, is dressed  in blue jeans and two shirts.  One is purple with long sleeves, and one is yellow with the words “POST BOY” written on them.   

In the dub, Goku asks him where he got such a ridiculous outfit, and Piccolo replies “Your wife got them for me... out of your closet.”   That’s not in the Japanese version.     Really, it doesn’t make a lot of sense for Goku to own this outfit, since Piccolo’s at least 18 inches taller than him.    Then again, Piccolo has Clothes Beam powers, which could also be used to alter clothing to fit other sizes.  

Besides, we know he got the hat from Goku, since it has the word “GOKUU” written on it.  I think it’s safe to assume that the POST BOY outfit is definitely something Goku owns.

Here come the instructors.   They have Capsule Corp. logos on their coats, so I assume this means this whole institute is run by Capsule Corp.   

Somewhere in this episode, the old guy says he’s been teaching driver’s ed for 70 years, which puts him somewhere over 90.   Personally, I headcanon him as gettng into the driver’s ed game much later in life.   His wife divorced him at 53, and he struggled to find new purpose after that, until he got a taste of the driving school life, and he knew he would never be the same.    Oh, he tried to get out of this world.   But it kept calling him back like a siren song.    The fame, the money, the women.    He just couldn’t stay away.   And by 55, he became a full-time instructor.   Now he’s 125 years old.

I don’t know anything about this lady, except that I’m pretty sure she wants to fuck Piccolo in the backseat of a car while it speeds along a highway at 100 miles per hour.    I guess Piccolo could use the Multi-Form technique to steer while he does his business in the back, but she doesn’t know that.   

Piccolo-- excuse me... I mean Post Boy, has some dificulty with the seat belt. 

Did you think I was kidding about this lady?    Because I’m not.  Back seat.  100 miles per hour.    No one at the wheel.  

Unfortunately, this car doesn’t have a back seat, so she just floors it and drives really, really aggressively.   

EVEN POST BOY IS AFRAID

Meanwhile, the old man can’t even get the door open.     I like how the hair on his head turns red, but his mustache and eyebrows don’t.    

Goku starts dissociating in the parking lot.   

Meanwhile, the Brief family is still amazed by Vegeta’s insane training regimen.   I feel like these scenes are really trying to pressure Bulma into getting it on with the guy.    “Boy, those Saiyans sure do have tough bodies, eh, Bulma?    Such wonderfully tough bodies.   Oh, and he’s living in the spaceship now.    That’s how dedicated he is.    You know, that spaceship would be a great place to have sex in, just throwing that out there.    You could scream as loud as you wanted and your parents would never be able to hear it.”

Anyway, here’s Vegeta doing some pointless bullshit that isn’t driver’s ed.  Let’s move on. 

  I guess Gohan’s studying while the boys are learning to drive.    Of course, he can’t concentrate knowing that Piccolo’s running around in the Post Boy outfit.    Check out this sweet fan art Gohan drew for this episode.  

Then Icarus shows up and Gohan decides to sneak out of the house to watch his dad and Piccolo driving.    I thought Episode 118 was Icarus’ last appearance, but I guess not.    Pretty sure this is it, though.    

See, I told you this guy has been in the business for 70 years.     What’s got him flustered is that Goku can’t seem to remember anything he tells him.    I mean things like “Push the pedals to make it go,” and “Welcome to driving school.”

What’s with this guy’s neck?

I think he was trying to get Goku to back into a parking place, but he ended up zooming forward instead.   

Then they end up on the highway, and inside a tunnel going down the wrong lane.   Now, in the dub, the guy tells Goku to “give him the wheel” I think.  So Goku chops it off so he can give it to him.    In the original script, he keeps saying “Cut in the steering handle”, which seems like an odd choice of words.   

The end result is the same: Goku’s car flies out of control and lands in a body of water.    The instructor tells him it’ll take him three years to pass the course, and Goku protests that he can’t wait that long, on account of the androids.

Later on, Goku seems to have gotten the hand of shifting the gear, but he still doesn’t grasp going slowly.    Post Boy sees him zip past and thinks it’s a race.

Nearby, Gohan and Icarus show up in time to see this unfold.  

The lady seems genuinely impressed by Post Boy’s off-road driving stunts.   The tragic thing about this story is that Post Boy seems to have mastered this skill, but he never gets credit for it in the form of a license.

Anyway, one thing leads to another and now Goku and Post Boy are wanted for manslaughter.    Just kidding, the instructors are fine. 

Later, they have to drive around on public roads, and if they screw around again, they’ll get expelled.   

To their credit, both of them seem to be doing a lot better this time.

Goku waves at a bus full of school kids, but the old man deducts a point for taking his hand off the wheel.   When Goku protests, he takes another point off for taking his eyes off the road.  

Then Goku slams on the brakes, causing Piccolo to rear-end him.    Everyone’s confused, but the reason he did it is because...

The bus ahead of him got caught in... uh, an avalanche?    Of water?  

It’s going to fall off the road and over a cliff, is the point.   

Goku flies through the windshield of his car to help...

... while Post Boy elbows the door off of his car.    With authority!

They catch the bus,then Goku heads over to shoot falling debris so it won’t hit anything.

Post Boy helps too.   So, a second ago, both of them needed to hold the bus, and now Post Boy is holding it one-handed.    Why did Goku even leave the bus if Post Boy could hold it and shoot up at the same time?    This episode proves that power levels are bullshit.   

The instructors are astonished.  

Goku waves goodbye to the kids while Post Boy stands with his back turned, all stoic-like.   A watchful protector.   A silent guardian.   A Post Boy.  

Goku apologizes for the disturbance, but the instructors are all smiles.   Goku asks if they can resume their practice, but the old man refuses.   

As he puts it, Goku and Post Boy are such skilled men that there’s no point in them learning from a driving school.    They hardly need licenses when they can fly, right?   

Now, in the dub, they kind of take a different approach with the punchline.  The instructor praises their rescue of the bus, and their amazing powers, but he makes it clear that these two knuckleheads have no business behind the wheel of a car, so they’ll never get their licenses, ever.    But so what, right?  They can fly, so what difference does it make?

Either way.... I bet Chi-Chi won’t like this...

Yeah, I called it.  

Why is Icarus in the house? 

Sometimes, you have to have your heroes lose.    It builds character, and it makes them feel more like people.    It also makes it even more inspirational when they triumph.    That is the lesson of this episode.    Yes, Post Boy failed today, but he’s not going to dwell on his failures.   He’s going to pick himself back up and keep living his life.    

Anyway, Chi-Chi passes out from the shock of it.    No, seriously, why is Icarus allowed in the house but Post Boy isn’t?  

Anyway, from here, we flash forward three years and.... holy crap, I never noticed before, but they have a car in this shot!    A few dozen episodes after this, we’ll see Goku driving, and Chi-Chi explaining how he got his license, but I never noticed that this very episode made it clear that Goku went back and tried again.   That’s awesome.   

It’s the morning of May 12, and it’s time for the fateful Android invasion.   Chi-Chi offers the boys a box lunch for the day, but Goku declines.  

No, Goku’s taking an early lunch today, around 10am.    His meal: a couple of no-good androids.    Big, marshmallow-y androids.   

This is it.   The waiting is over, the future is now.   The Z-Fighters will either change history or they will become history.    Z stands for the end, but not yet.  

[cloudbattrolls]

As She Made Us

Chimer Latrai | Dimasqa | Present Night

Heat soaks into your veins and bones like it’s trying to live in your cold body, nestle there like a meowbeast in a windowsill.

Civitrecce’s warm, but its tall buildings block out the sun. This place doesn’t have a thing over five stories; everything bigger got bombed all those sweeps ago, and whether through forbiddance or indifference, no one’s ever built things up again.

The city doesn’t need it anyway when it threads through the craters of the ancient blasts as well as on the surface around them. Bridges, psi-lifts, and riders on winged lusii calling out their fares are all happy to take a troll up or down if they can’t or don’t want to use their own feet.

I grew up in Dimasqa, after all.

A meaningless throwaway phrase, or maybe your ticket to figuring out more about the annoying little pissant of a blueblood and if possible, where they got their Chimera statue.

If your informants actually pointed you to someone helpful, that is, and if you don’t get trampled by one of the big beasts hauling supplies everywhere. Unlike your base city, this place isn’t much for tech, and you have to watch your step to avoid actual hoofbeastshit at points.

Disguised in a head covering, which thankfully doesn’t stick out much here (plenty of trolls wear them, especially women) you’re one of maybe five trolls above yellow you’ve seen so far, and three were greenbloods. It’s hard to imagine a pampered cobalt coming from a place like this.

But it wouldn’t make sense for them to lie in front of Yezule about their origin, not when Dimasqa’s about as well-regarded as toxic mold. No reputable troll ever admits to coming from here, and few do anyway.

If they’d wanted some primarily lowblood place to claim as their hivetown, there were infinitely better options.

Your periodic checks to see who’s following you through the winding, crumbling streets are rewarded with what’s probably a pack of muggers who aren’t doing a half-bad job as your shadows as they flit between living buildings and burned-out shells, keeping to the darkest shadows.

They’re smart enough to realize that someone of your height is almost certainly at least teal, and since there’s no identifying colors on your flowing gray and black clothing at all, it’s doubtful you have a higher caste quadrant who’d come looking for revenge.

Not bad at victim picking, girls and boys, but I’ve got better things to do tonight.

All blithe tourist curiosity and idle ease, you wander over to a weathered plaque with a trident engraved into it boasting about the Imperial eradication of the dangerous horrorterror worshippers and study its trilingual inscription intently.

“Turn around nice and easy, lady, and give us your caegers.”

You don’t bother turning around.

“Nah.”

With a flick of a remote you take out of your sylladex, a shimmering dome forcefield encloses the group of vagabonds -

- except the one placed on a wall several feet to the front of you, whose thrown dagger just clinked off your collarbone and bounced onto the stone with a clatter. Fortunately you’re covered with form-fitting body armor beneath your clothes, though the blade probably wasn’t tough enough to pierce fuchsia skin anyway.

You give them a look you know they can’t particularly well through the veil over your eyes, but it’s the thought that counts.

The stunned looking rustblood kid - you can’t tell if they’re brown or maroon, since they’re perched a few feet above you on that crumbling wall - scrabbles back down the blasted brick and runs until you and your long legs put a stop to that.

Picking them up by their shirt, you hold them out like a naughty baby meowbeast.

“Ok, I get this is a real disappointment for you, but if you could just - ”

A long string of curses in two different languages and spit on your face as they try to claw your eyes out makes you realize logic is only going to crash, burn, and leave behind more craters than the city has if you try it.

You shake them a little instead, not too hard, but enough to underline that you have highblood strength.

They go still, wide gray eyes frantically staring into yours. Sheesh, they can’t be older than seven. They’re a scrawny thing with flaky, stubby horns and clothing dustier than an abandoned basement.

You switch to Southern Desert Dialect from your usual Imperial Standard - you’re not very good at it, but you can get through a few sentences okay.

“Give me directions to the scribes’ market, and I’ll let you and your gang go. Or you can stay trapped.”

That’s probably the wrong form of that verb. The kid is certainly looking at you with a real sniffy expression.

You sigh. Everyone’s a critic.

They rattle off directions too fast for you to understand, and you have to make them repeat it twice - obnoxiously slow the second time  - before you can understand and write down what they said.

Once you’re a good bit away, trudging down a long, winding flight of stairs down the side of a crater, you release the field around them.

You didn’t actually need the directions, but keeping up appearances in front of any better class of stalker (a few of whom no doubt saw that exchange) matters, as well as not arousing too many suspicions; most trolls don’t just let aggressors off scot-free, even if their attacks had as much effect as a squeakbeast trying to fight a dragon.

If only you could’ve actually helped the kids, but any offers of money or food would be highly suspicious. With any sense at all they’d suspect poisoning or drugs - or counterfeit cash designed to get them arrested.

Even a small increase to the lowblood stipend system could reduce muggings so much. Trolls are violent, and some are assholes with no good reason to be, but you’ve had projections done by people who know statistics and economic caste inter-dynamics way better than you do. Your proposed growth of caeger allowances could cut maroon to yellow crime by 70% in most areas.

Wow that’s an ominous looking arch in the doorway of this building.

Your thoughts scatter as you gaze up at the black stone structure, which stands at least twelve feet tall. Weathered by time but free of the decay and ruin marking so much else around it, it’s covered by spiraling golden script.

Speak with care, say two of the script’s languages - you don’t recognize the third one, strange rough gashes and dots in dizzyingly complex combinations. Words bear the greatest weight.

Not an unusual warning, but your neck still prickles a little as you pass under its shadow.

You blink as you walk in, surprised by how bright it is - there’s a big hole in the roof three floors up, and in the floors between the ground and said hole - so pink and green moonlight is pouring through.

It takes a moment for you to notice the actual stalls stretching on the ground floor as far as you can see - it’s a big dang building, and while it’s much more subdued than where you’ve been so far, trolls still have quiet, heated discussions over paper or parchment, ink and printing molds. Most are covered up as you are, and it’s not hard to guess why.

In Dimasqa, owning the wrong texts is a death sentence.

Wait, doesn’t that gap let rain and wind get in, mess up the books? You look up, squinting in the light, since there’s no clouds to cover the moons. Then you realize - there’s a slight psiionic aura over the hole, white or yellow sparks. Someone must be controlling what passes through it.

“Looking for someone?”

You turn quick enough to nearly smack the person who’s sidled up behind you, your fins puffed up to the base of your horns.

“Jeez, could you give a lady a little warning? That’s my pumper calisthenics done for the night, thanks so much. I’m glad you care about my health, but next time, I could just do water yoga.”

Commodore Weirdo pauses as they appear to puzzle through this one, which gives you a moment to study them.

What you can see of them. Not only are they covered from head to toe, they don’t seem to have any horns, or else they’re the kind that curl down around the face instead of up. They don’t seem that big physically, but their clothing flares out behind them and to their sides so much it’s a wonder people aren’t tripping over them left and right.

Only the glint of white, glowing eyes behind the veil confirms it’s a person under there and not a really elaborate puppet.

“Sorry.” They reply, and while it’s fairly neutral in tone, it sounds genuine enough. “I thought you were more alert than that.”

“Got a little distracted.” You point at the hole.

They look up.

“Some texts can only be read in direct moonlight, or under certain stars. A few require the blinding sun, with dark lenses to protect the eyes. Yet others require special glasses to be seen.”

You’re about to give them shit for sounding like a video game character  - though their voice is oddly familiar in some way you can’t place - when they speak again in a more mundane tone.

“Also, we shoot the birds that fly in for food. So, how can I help you?”

“Are you the appointed tour guide? Where’s your dang name tag and badge, you fraud.”

They laugh, which is reassuring. If they’re trying to distract you while someone else sets up a hit, at least they enjoy your quality jokes.

A quick look around fails to locate any untoward interest in you. Everyone is occupied with their haggling or browsing, or curled up with a book in some corner. A few apprentices to what you assume is a master scribe are frantically copying down lines as their master barks at them, her monkey lusus adding its own mocking chitters.

You look up again for good measure, since any telekinetic worth their salt can float, but the higher stories are clear too.

“No one’s allowed to bloody up the stalls by attacking tourists. Bad for business, and the parchment sellers have skinned troublemakers before.”

Shit, are you that obvious? You glare down at the troll, who’s about a foot shorter than you.

They seem perfectly unconcerned.

“Pushing aside that telling some rando who I’m here to meet is really stupid, why do you want to help me? I’m flattered and all, but I was hatched a lot of yesternights ago.”

“I’m bored.”

“You are so valid, and yet I have to find it in my pusher to turn you down. It’s been real, peace.”

You turn around and forge onward into the crowd, looking for the section of the market that has fewer visitors and stands with armed guards, despite that doofus’s chatter about how fights are frowned on here. Maybe in the ordinary sections.

Books with powers lent to them by ancient psiionics. Books that talk about all the highblood castes’ weaknesses, politicians’ secrets and classified Imperial content.

Books of magic and viseralchemy.

Books written by the horrorterror worshippers who once ran the city, and if the stories are to be believed, warped and enslaved the people here to the point where the Empress herself sent her forces to save the last uncorrupted survivors.

By wrecking their shit! Happily ever after, ignore any and all better ways that could’ve been done.

Dimasqa’s never recovered in the millennia since, even if its black market obviously has. But hey - small victories.

After some sign deciphering, you see the one you’re looking for - Suppressed Religious Artifacts for Sale. Even illegal fencers have to be poncy with names, apparently. Does anyone think an Imperial spy would be fooled by a longer label?

Wait a second, isn’t that - oh come on.

The dope from earlier waves at you with what must be an artificial hand, made of some sleek dark gray material with glowing green lines on it.

“Ok, I’m a fan of playing practical jokes, but why didn’t you uh, I don’t know, say you were my contact?”

“You play around so much, I thought you'd enjoy another game.”

Good; they answered in the pre-arranged code.

With a sardonic smile and a flick of your fins, you gesture to the bolted waist-high (to a normal troll anyway) gate leading to the inside of their stall. With a flick of their fingers, it unlocks itself and you step through into the yet warmer confines of wood and tarp.

So they’re at least a telekinetic, and their control is very fine. You keep a wary eye on them while browsing their wares.

There's the usual horrorterror stuff - blatantly creepy monsters and warped troll-like figures standing side by side on the shelves - and more subtle things, everyday objects that make your neck prickle or cause nausea when you look at them directly.

Curled up angels share space with beasts and gods that probably come from minor, mostly forgotten religions. Cups, plates, and weapons engraved with extinct languages and ancient creatures are hung from various-sized pegs, all carefully polished.

Maidel would give his left arm for some of these. Too bad you can never tell him you were here.

“I don’t see what I’m looking for.”

The skepticism and question in your voice is plain.

“I locked it up for safekeeping.” They retort, the ‘duh’ in their voice plain.

If your face weren’t veiled, you’d stick your tongue out. Immature, yes, deserved, also yes. Especially because the heat is really starting to get to you, sweat running down your face and limbs.

You keep both eyes on them as they kneel down, reach under a table and take out a carved wooden box, inset with gems and buzzing with the same kind of feeling you got when you walked under the arch.

It’s not psiionic energy. It’s not any kind of magic you can immediately identify, though you’re not an expert.

It, and their voice, are still tantalizingly familiar. This is gonna bug you so bad.

The box rearranges itself into a small shrine, pieces flicking apart and re-aligning themselves in an upright shape. For the first time there’s a faint hiss and a wisp of white energy as they seamlessly re-align.

That can’t just be plain telekinetics. Matter manipulation? Tyrian tits, who is this troll?

If they’re a troll.

A look at the shrine - and the two figurines in front of it - makes you swear quietly.

Carved from rose quartz, one can only be you, except the face is intricately carved to be more cruel and imperious than your own is (at least, you goddamn hope people don’t see you that way).

You’re aiming a trident at another figure, a blueblood with their arms raised defensively who looks an awful fucking lot like Cherie...but they’re thinner and taller. The face is clearly meant to be more aged, and the horns are bigger.

Unthinking, you reach out a hand to touch them until the vendor swats you.

“Come on, Chimer, you’re smarter than that. What if they’d been cursed, or psi-affected?”

“Yeah, that’s fair - ”

You stop short.

They were never supposed to know your name.

Suspicion over your network and the possibility of being betrayed flares, but then you smile lazily.

“Soooooo. How’d you get ahold of these?”

Eat a dick, eat a dick, eat a barrel of dicks, you mother grub sphincter-sucking asshead.

If they’re a mind reader after all, that ought to get a reaction.

They shrug.

“Is that important? You just want to buy them, right?”

Not a twitch. Either they’re a hell of an actor, or they can’t really see into your head.

You know what? Fuck it.

With a click of your remote, a forcefield springs up around the pair of you, this one trapping all sound inside it and blocking the view of anyone watching.

You grab at their head covering -

- and get swatted down by a feathered wing reaching out, landing flat on your ass.

“Srevni.” You growl when you get your breath back.

They take their veil off, revealing a face that isn’t quite how you remember.

It’s not quite the beast they were before, but not their troll disguise’s either.  Some strange hybrid of the two, their second pair of eyes smaller and angled under their primary ones. Their mane has become green tendrils sprouting from their head, and the big ring floating around their neck now rests around their collarbone, a snug fit.

Their orange throat eye blinks at you.

“I didn’t think you’d be pleased to see me, Chimer. I failed you, after all.”

You roll around your feelings in your head, trying to decide how not-pleased you really are.

“Look, I’m a lot more mad at Cherie right now than I am at anyone else.”

They nod, and while their face (less mobile than a troll’s) is hard to read, the drooping of their large pointy ears seems to indicate remorse.

“I figured if you were tracking down Liehde’s cult, it could only mean they’d resurfaced.”

“Hold up, who?”

They blink, and you can see the feathered tip of their tail poke out of the long clothing swaths. No wonder they bundle up so much.

“I thought you knew. Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“I’m here because Cherie popped up and had this in their hive.”

You stand up and take out the damaged Chimera figurine from your sylladex, handing it over to the hybrid creature.

Srevni takes it with careful fingers, their sharply pointed nose - almost a muzzle, really - nearly touching it as they lean in, poring over the thing.

“Only a replica, but they probably have an original somewhere.”

“You will score so many more points with me if you don’t put me through the same cryptic garbage as last time, pal. Please tell me you can talk normally now.”

“I’m getting there.” They huff. “Besides, I don’t know what you want to know because I don’t know how much you know.”

You blink.

“That's a trainwreck of a sentence, but fair enough.”

With a deep breath, you tap your fingers together and think.

“Cherie’s back, and they’ve made noises about trying to help my political aims - lowblood rights, all that jazz. Pure bullshit, you were there during their little timeline stunt and you saw all those helms suffer too. They couldn’t give less of a fuck about anyone below them - or above, given they janked Coloth’s shit up and down.”

As the words leave your mouth you realize this makes Cherie’s claims of teaming up with him weird, given they had no problems taking his stuff behind his back before. If there’s one thing you feel sure of about how they operate, it’s that they never deal directly with anyone unless it’s strictly necessary; the blueblood basically said as much during your last chat.

“Anyway, that’s about it. I mean, I know their bloodline was given their powers by Chimera, and one of them had been involved with making the rift, but beyond that...nothing. I didn’t even know they existed during the whole Echthros business. They almost don’t seem to fit in the picture at all.”

Srevni smiles - or well, you think it’s a smile, hard to tell with that jagged maw - and snaps their fingers, having put the figurine down.

“That’s exactly what drives Cherie. Their bloodline came before you, long before Chimera and Miruka found Tabula and Priori, before the razing of this very city. When the immortal influences found those women after their long search, they abandoned the original bloodlines they made. Those trolls’ only purpose had been ensuring that Alternian bodies could handle such power, so they were useless once they’d found the perfect hosts for their soul fragments.”

Your fins flick up and down, trying to understand, and then you snort.

“Are you saying Cherie feels ignored? Shit, they should be grateful the Dolcez line got left alone! Fat lot of good it did me or Tabula to be the center of attention. I’m glad pangosheep isn’t like that, one is bad enough.”

Srevni, to your surprise, doesn’t join you in mocking the cobalt. It’s weird, given their prior hatred of the troll (and what you suspect was a mega-weird pitch crush on them, in hindsight).

“Cherie’s silly, their original ancestor less so. Liehde - “ They gesture to the blueblood, carved out of what you think is lapis lazuli. “ - seems to have been raised by Chimera from grubhood, if the surviving accounts can be trusted. He took it pretty personally when she left him for you.”

You take off your dang coverings because no one can see the pair of you behind the field anyway and you can’t stand suffocating anymore. Beneath, you’re only wearing swim gear (a fuchsia crop top and black knee shorts, along with a half-skirt) so you don’t die of heat exhaustion, and Srevni looks at the ground for some reason.

Why would a non-troll creature care about modesty, especially when plenty of silly fuchsias wear less than this all the time? They make no sense.

“That’s real sad and all, but I swear Maidel said Cherie did have a lusus - a sugar glider. Why'd Chimera need to raise him? Why did she even care? She fucked right off after making my deal.”

You’re not jealous of this long-dead blueblood with some screws loose, but it does stick in your craw that the fluffy asshole apparently spent sweeps around some guy she was always going to abandon, and then left you with zero explanations or tips about what she’d stuck you with.

They shrug, hands splayed outward.

“I don’t have all the answers, Chimer. Why he had a real humdinger of a grudge doesn’t matter, only what he did about it.”

“Which was...?”

“Remember that cult I mentioned?”

Your mouth pulls back into a very annoyed frown.

“I don’t like where this is going.”

“Remember what Cherie did with the helms? Multiply that.”

A breath gets sucked in through your fangs.

“...he killed a bunch of people by draining them of power to do what, exactly?”

Srevni turns, and taps at the shrine.

The worn, painted images depict light beams coming out of trolls and into the man you now know as Liehde Dolcez. He’s holding up a clock - one that resembles your dear old tick tock.

Dude really was fixated. Must be genetic.

“His temple’s been searched, but no one’s ever figured out what he accomplished - if he managed it at all. There must have been a record somewhere, but it’s been so many sweeps; could be lost or destroyed by now.”

You stare at the images with growing unease.

“What did you mean when you said this was a replica, that Cherie probably had an original?”

“It seems they’ve visited Liehde’s temple themself and nabbed a few things - probably feel like they own them. This is a granite replica of a rare artifact. Originals are made of a material that can hold a low psiionic charge of almost any kind indefinitely. That, and that kind of stone being impossible to find now, makes them so valuable.”

“Ohhhh no.”

They wave a placating hand at you, their wings rustling.

“There’s not enough intact ones around for Cherie to do damage with even if they had them all. They can’t hold much anyway.”

You grit your teeth.

“Remember how Civitrecce is full of tech a million times fancier than anything here, Srevni? I’d bet my ducks Cherie’s trying to find a way to copy it somehow.”

“Even if they did, their actual power level is low, remember? Liehde’s writings whine that it was a way Chimera kept them from wreaking havoc.”

“She should’ve tried harder.” You mutter.

Looking at the creature in front of you is another reminder of why Chimera’s safeguards are worse than worthless.

Their expression hardens, you think, as they must catch yours.

“She didn’t force the Dolcez line to make their bad choices, Chimer. Any more than she forced you to make decent ones. You can’t blame her for everything.”

“Actually,” You drawl, sitting on the floor because you’re tired of standing. “Considering I wouldn’t exist without her and all of this is her fault, I can.”

Srevni sits as well, shedding their own clothing, wearing their more familiar leotard underneath, high-hocked doglike legs crossed and long feather-tipped tail curled in their lap. Their wings extend, fanning out and around the pair of you.

White wings tipped with bright teal. Echthros’s wings.

Your arms wrap around yourself as that night of the reset comes back to you.

“You still have trouble trusting me.”

The barest wisp of hurt runs through the words.

A few fangs sink into your lip, guilt blossoming.

“...does it help if I feel kinda bad about it?”

They laugh a little.

“Blanca stole my body and I had to flee the city. I found an energy source and restored myself to a solid form, but I’m stuck this way now. I’m always going to have her face.”

“Yeah.” You mutter, thinking of Tabula. “I know the feeling.”

“Look on the bright side; people don’t scream or shoot if they see you without a dozen layers on.”

Thinkpan catching up, you raise a finger to stop them.

“Waitasecond, Blanca stole your body? Why?”

They shrug.

“She thinks I’m Echthros and decided revenge would be fun. It was really annoying, but this form’s better than my original, even if...well, it could be worse.”

An uncomfortable pang of platonic pity strikes.

“How can you not constantly blame Chimera and Miruka for everything?” You marvel.

Srevni pulls their clothing back on, hiding their non-troll features again, and gestures for you to drop the shield.

The kid who threw the dagger is shifting from foot to foot at the front of their stand and launches questions at Srevni in Southern. From what you can understand they’re a girl, and also...an apprentice?

She points at you proudly and then gets what sounds an awful lot like a (fairly amused) scolding.

“Hadija says she’s sorry, but next time you should pretend to be hurt - it makes people feel better.”

You squint.

“Did you sic a child on me.”

Their jagged mouth is hidden, but you can feel the creature smiling behind their veil. Then you frown, mild indignation replaced by seriousness.

“...does she...know?”

You wave a hand vaguely.

“Hadija -” They ask her in Standard. “- what am I?”

“Weird woofbeast!” she replies in it proudly, tossing her horns.

“And?”

“Teacher!”

“What do I do?”

“Keeps the weather out!”

They toss her a coin and she snatches it, running off who knows where.

All you can do is blink as you watch her weave off among the stalls and roving trolls.

Srevni looks back at you.

“It’s not that I never resent them, Chimer. I’ve just moved on.”

With a blink, the shrine and figurines are hovering in front of you.

“These aren’t really cursed or anything, right. I won’t start coughing up frogs?”

“They could’ve been.” Srevni retorts, amused. Little shit.

Grumbling, you put them in your sylladex, then take out a suitcase from it.

“So, what do I owe you?”

“Five thousand.”

You take out enough stacks for ten thousand, putting them on a table.

“Feed Hadija and her friends a little more, try to keep them out of trouble.”

They snort.

“I can’t do miracles. I’ll see about the food and some better showers.”

Their sigh well speaks to how much trouble it must be to keep these gremlins clean.

You wouldn’t think a eldritch monster/troll hybrid would make a decent lusus, but this night’s been full of surprises.

An idea strikes as you put your own layers back on.

“If Cherie’s been to old Dolcez’s temple before, maybe they’ll come back. Could you set a trap in case they do? I’ll pay you.”

Srevni shakes their head, but then they speak, it’s with vindictive glee.

“No need. You get that on the hive.”

You grin and clap them on the shoulder.

They look away again, but now that you know what to check for, you see their tail wagging underneath their clothes.

What a bizarre creature.

“It’s been real, Srevs. I’ll contact you if something else comes up.”

“I can’t leave Dimasqa.” They warn. “My power source is here; beyond the city limits I wouldn’t be able to think, or keep my form.”

“I get you. Thanks, by the way.”

They tilt their head.

“For what?”

“Helping.”

They’re quiet for a minute, then speak in a slightly resentful tone.

“I'll always help you, Chimer. Not just because I was made to.”

A couple things finally click in your head and you feel kinda stupid, but also, why would you think they’d feel that way?

Now it’s you who doesn’t know where to look.

“Jeez, Srevs. I swear I never realized.”

They sigh.

“You never did, in all the time I knew you before.”

Then they laugh, and nudge you back.

“It’s fine. Go back and stop Cherie from whatever they’re cooking up.”

Before Srevni can turn away you give them a hug, feeling their wings trying to flare in surprise beneath your arms.

Then they hug you back.

You wave to them as you walk away, then turn, making your way back through the market’s crowds with the moonlight shining down behind you.

END

[natsspammityspamspamham]

I HAVE FINISHED ALL THE ROUTES OF FE THREE HOUSES (for now) - SPOILERS

There’s DLC saying there will be new content and new characters and all of that starting April 30th 2020. I just thought that “new content”?! DID YOU MEAN NEW ROUTE?! I’m sorry for being dumb.

However, THIS LINK indicates that there will be a “Completely” new story.

This new update (the free one) will offer LUNATIC MODE for all ya crazy people.

https://fireemblem.nintendo.com/three-houses/downloadable-content/

 Each takes about 20-25 hours depending on the time you want to spend grinding and/or exploring. If you read through every line and wait for the voice actors to finish every line, maybe it’ll take you 70 or something.

The storyline of this game was such a step up from Fates partially because the Fates storyline was shit, we all knew it, and I still enjoyed it despite having a seemingly bland cast and a terrible story. On the other hand, your weapons don’t run out of ammo. This game was vastly different with no weapon triangle, pair-ups, and all that other stuff from Awakening and Fates. Keep in mind, I’m a filthy casual that’s only played Shadow Dragon, Awakening, and Fates.

This game was so much fun. If you want to enjoy it for yourself, don’t read on because there are plenty of spoilers for the whole family!

This is the game in a nutshell: Which of you likeable people shall I kill? Yes, I find Edelgard likeable. 

Church of Seiros (Normal/Casual - Black Eagles then decide not to side with Edelgard)

This route was my first. I made a mistake of not recruiting anyone else. It was a little sad without an overpowered house leader (I’m looking at you, Claude). I didn’t like Rhea. I accidentally chose this route. I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but again, I don’t like Rhea.

I played it on casual to get used to the mechanics. That and I’m a filthy casual.

I feel like this is probably my least favourite route because of the absence of a house leader and because I was so ignorant as to not recruit anyone from the other houses. I played as a male character. I chose Petra at the end. She’s so sweet and nice. She is everything that I stand for.

I would give it a solid 7/10.

Black Eagles (Normal/Classic - Choose to go against the church)

Ah, revolution. Go against the church, side with the people who murdered your father, but then realize it’s too late to go back and that Rhea. Weirdly, it made sense to me at the time considering how I felt a strong sense of betrayal towards Rhea anyway. I recruited everyone I wanted (Ingrid, Felix, Sylvain) except for Annette and Lysithea I think? I’m pretty sure I also got Marianne. I didn’t manage to get Ashe, but after a playthrough of Blue Lions, I now realize I missed out on nothing. I couldn’t use the guy. I just got Bernadetta, and despite being under levelled, she fulfilled his role and better.

Edelgard is the second strongest out of the house leaders I think. This route was fun because it was the one full of revolution. It was what would be considered as “turning evil for the sake of good”. I just remember really enjoying the gameplay and defeating Dimitri. I, however, didn’t appreciate Edelgard just stealing the last moment and killing Dimitri. You have a choice to kill Claude. In the end, Claude can live on pretty much all routes.

Again, I really enjoyed this route. I would definitely play and again, and I will.  Married Edelgard with a female avatar.

Golden Deer (Normal/Classic - Fear the Deer - This is about as neutral as you can get for now)

This is arguably as neutral as you can get... for now. Claude is a great unit, a great guy, and Joe is so devoted to this role. I played in both Japanese and English (switched whenever I turned on the system). I did kind of prefer Toshi’s interpretation at times, but Joe had a ton of good moments where I preferred his voice as well. For one, I feel like Toshi has far more experience with confession scenes, so when I chose Claude in the end, Toshi delivered better there, but the localization did wonders for Joe as well. The script changes made sure that Claude became the character that everyone knows and loves.

Gameplay-wise, at this point, I just recruited all my guys and gals from the other houses and ignored A TON of the Golden Deer, and I feel no remorse. They’re alive and kicking... just not on the field. I got a ton of my Black Eagles (Dorothea, Caspar, Linhardt, Petra) and a ton of my Blue Lions (Felix, Ingrid, Sylvain, and probably a few others I’m not remembering).

Overall, I think this was my favourite route because Claude was awesome, so overpowered with his relic, and he’s just an awesome guy that should’ve been bi but the confession end card was drawn with only the female avatar which makes Edelgard the only confirmed bi out of the three.

Blue Lions (Normal/Classic - STRONG OOF)

After being scolded on Tumblr for not understanding Dimitri, I went and did the Blue Lions route!

I called this guy insane and got backlash. Let me put it this way, the Black Eagles route cuts him out to be a real big villain. He’s so fixated on revenge that he’s blinded. He causes the deaths of a lot of his former classmates with little to no remorse.

But on this route? Ah, well, he’s still like that for the first half post-time skip. 

This route is rich in backstory. It paints Edelgard is such a bad light which I enjoy so much. Do I like her? Yes. But do I think this is necessary? Absolutely. That last scene was “poetic cinema”. The way the dagger worked and all those broken dreams. All the NPC deaths and things like that. Nice.

I’m still not a huge fan of Dimitri. Gameplay-wise, he was the worst and hardest to use out of the three. I’m also saying that because that person almost ruined this whole route for me.

_____________________

A quick ramble about voice actors for this game:

YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE HOW HAPPY I WAS TO FIND OUT WE GOT TO HEAR THE JAPANESE VOICES!

As a seiyuu fan, I was ecstatic. However, I did kind of miss that Hosoya didn’t appear in this one. He was Morgan in Awakening and Shigure in Fates. I listened to both casts, and besides a few voices (Japanese Bernadetta killed my ears), I loved both sides no matter how different they were. While some delivery was a little weak (nothing major), I found that it was generally very well-done.

Both Ai Kakuma and Tara Platt stood out to me as Edelgard. For one, Tara Platt is immensely talented. I didn’t hear Ai Kakuma around as much (I only heard her make an appearance in Kimetsu no Yaiba).

Both Kaito Ishikawa and Chris Hackney were great as Dimitri, but I think Chris gave him a bit more of a “snobbish king” kind of feel which was probably better for my perception of his character.

Joe Zieja was iconic as Claude but so was Toshiyuki Toyonaga. Toshi was far suaver and flirtatious and pulling off more of that “otome game” kind of vibe while Joe has contributed so much to the fandom outside of the actual game. It’s much harder to choose between the two for this one.

Both sides really bring it their all, and while I do have my preferences, I would be fine either way.

Of course, these lines weren’t really translated perfectly in the dub. From what I hear, there are a ton of nuances and the way that they spoke that didn’t go both ways. In the end, the gist was the same.

I might ramble further in a separate post because I wanna.

[sakura-83]

Things from Anne with an e that I feel like writing down

Season 2 Episode 1: Youth Is The Season of Hope

1. Anne looking over her collection of treasures

2. Her walk through the forests and fields, talking to trees and watching butterflies and being free from worldly concerns such as dirtying her clothes or going home before dark

3. The general way that Anne loves nature

4. Anne falling into a creek. I’ve done that so many times

5. Anne coming hone covered in twigs and mud and Matthew just smiling

6. It does make me sad how Mr. Dunlop is genuinely happy at Green Gables but the plan still crumbles. He was a bad person but I still wish he could’ve had his house, a calm life, maybe then he could’ve changed forever.

7. The fact that when school isn’t in session, there’s no paper to be had for students

8. Anne critiquing the way Nate prays

9. “And bless those who are here, and those who are in our hearts” CUTTING INTO A SHOT OF THE BOAT GILBERT IS ON

10. Gilbert singing while he works

11. Bash being exasperated with Gilbert

12. Gilbert could’ve had a comfortable steady life but willingly chose to work in the name of adventure and experience

13. Nate trying to convince Anne of all people that geology is boring

14. Nate frequently says things that will trigger a flashback in Anne and yet she still continues to spring back up enthusiastically

15. The whole flirting thing between Nate and Marilla never fails to make me very uncomfortable

16. Yknow. It’s probably the money they stole from Jerry that’s paying the rent

17. Jerry having a mini heart attack when Anne is in the barn

18. Jerry knowing there’s something off about Nate but being unable to place it

19. Anne’s fond talk of reading seeking very surface level while the scene is interrupted by flashbacks of how it was the only hope, the only shred of happiness she was able to keep in her youth

20. “Reading can save your life.”

21. Anne finding Jane eyre when she had to hold the books as punishment

22. “Look at this sentence, isn’t it glorious!” “Sometimes you’re not very nice.” “What do you mean? Why are you- Jerry!” “No school for me, remember?” “I can teach you to read!”

23. Jerry telling her not to bother and her proceeding to relay the entire alphabet anyways

24. They don’t have any paper so Anne has to teach him by writing in the hay and dirt on the ground

25. Nate just starting to scream and throw things so people thing he’s having a breakdown

26. Stupid mr Barry falling for it

27. The cuthberts singing the same song as Gilbert while they work

28. Bash explaining to Gilbert that he’s a young white boy and he can do whatever he wants in life, but bash is stuck with his lot in life and needs to keep his job

29. Bash telling him he’s also bad at singing

30. “I’m so glad I get to live in a world where there are Octobers, aren’t you?”

31. Anne being baffled that they haven’t been to the beach since they were children

32. Anne going to the beach for the first time

33. The way she absolutely has to stand on the cliff edge over the ocean

34. Matthew waving back to her

35. Anne impulsively stripping down and jumping into the ocean during a Canadian October

36. Matthew doing the same

37. Anne can’t swim

38. Anne laughing at her near death experience

39. Matthew teaching her to swim

40. Anne asking to buy back Birdie with the harvest money

41. Even Marilla coming to enjoy the beach

42. Anne looking off into the sea from land and Gilbert looking out to the horizon from the ship deck

43. Only Anne would realize how well loved the gold chapter is

44. Anne’s impulsive and nosy nature is what ultimately revealed Nate’s lie

45. Nate manipulating a child and taking advantage of their trust

46. “How about a dashing hero, named Albert, Herbert, Rupert, Pilbert-“ “Pilbert!? That’s ridiculous! I would never write a story about a boy named Pilbert!” “It’s not like we can’t tell-“ “Well YOU always murder everyone because you can’t figure out what to do with your characters-“

47. Aunt Josephine wanting to read their stories

48. Anne using an entire framed embroidery piece to teach Jerry to read

49. Jerry trying to refuse learning to read but being convinced by the way Anne talks about it so fondly

50. “Reading can save your life.” “Alright, I’ll try it.” “YES!”

51. “Let’s kill the cat.” The cat being Anne. I wouldn’t put actually killing her past Nate

52. Them decorating a pie

53. Jerry carving the alphabet into the barn wall

54. Poor Jerry, not only did Nate beat him terrible but the comments about “a little French pig” are also. Ouch.

55. Anne coming out of a flashback and still acting brave, plus her starting to catch on to Nate based on his outbursts and Jerry’s behavior

56. Not Nate half stripping in front of Marilla >:(

57. Yayyyyy more marriage drama from the Barry household

58. “I just want to do something that matters for once.”

59. Mr Dunlop really isn’t so bad to me? A crook, sure, but one with basic empathy and way less full of malice towards children

60. Anne making him an apron

61. One specific tell of the lie being the specific repeated use of the phrase “moral quandary”. Most people in a genuinely situation wouldnt repeatedly use that phrase and Nate’s liberal use of it makes him feel scripted which is perfect because he’s a liar using a script

62. Marilla giving Jerry an entire BASKET of pastries for his family

63. Never tell Rachel Lynde a secret

64. $150 PER GOLD TEST????

65. Fun facts from Matthew, most folks in Avonlea make about $300-$400 a year

66. Nate isn’t a great actor but mr Dunlop certainly is, mostly because he’s half genuinely

67. “You are a moral man.” :/ well

68. Anne immediately thinking of writing to Gilbert and being determined to find where he is

69. Anne almost cracking the code with the stamp and then getting distracted

70. “Does that sound romantical?” The- the manifest, not the letter to Gilbert-“

71. “Please let there be gold in Avonlea, so that there’s no more hardship for anyone. And please, please help me get my letter to Gilbert. And please be sure I don’t misspell any words! Amen.”

[indie-struggle]

Emotion

I read a script the other day and it was flat. It hit all those famous plot points you hear about, but it was dull. It had nothing of interest, and I wondered why. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it was void of any authentic feeling, and it only had plot. I unconsciously rejected it based on that - being that I am an emotional animal that has experienced a broad range of emotions - and not just sunshine and farts.

This lead me to a thought: no wonder why I keep returning to those films I love.

One of which is Ordinary People. Since I first watched it some years ago, looking back, I'm unsure of how I came about that... maybe it was Alvin Sargent (the screenwriter), who I admire a lot. Anyhow, I keep coming back to it. I watch it maybe 10-20 times a year along with all this other stuff you wouldn't like. I've read the script, though, who knows what draft it was or what level of production it was in, but it still held the core of the story and its moral.

It really is a fantastic film - and made in 1980 to boot - which puts it in this strange place where I'm not sure how it was made. At that time, the action-adventure blockbuster came storming in with Jaws and Star Wars, and a lot of films flew under the radar due to that. But this wasn't ignored and, ironically, probably couldn't be made today. Who knows, maybe it's because Robert Redford's sexy ass could do whatever he wanted then...

The performances, though in certain areas are lacking (mostly from z-list bit actors), don't keep the story from being solid. There isn't one hole in it. Its - and sorry for spoiling 40 years later - structure isn’t melodramatic. The plot isn't pulling the characters along like movies you're used to, the characters are pulling the plot - extremely important difference. You never know where you're going except for the moment, and yet as we go further down the rabbit hole we become more gripped with this family and don't even realize it. Film wise, this is difficult to make on any level. This is also besides the point I wanted to talk about, which is much greater than just structure and planning, or production values and cinematography... I really need to stop drifting.

(the infamous exploding car)

I want to talk about relatability (is that a word?) of emotion. Because I think that's why I keep coming back to it. First off, this type of film is something you're more inclined to see from outside of the US post '70s. It's a piece of Americana but, almost, almost a slice of life film. Something the French, Italian and Russians specialize in: the inner lives of people and how it effects life around them, ultimately resulting in natural conditions, or an ending that has no place else to go, because that's life. Its only alternative is to have a glimpse of hope. Ordinary People ends with that alternative, because this is fucking America.

(I've written about slice-of-life before: https://indie-struggle.tumblr.com/post/172373896232/so-whats-the-slice-of-life-genre-anyway - but since tumblr blocks this blog from being found outside of tumblr, you probably never saw it.)

This family is nothing like what my family was: they're well off, they're complete, they have things I couldn't fathom or even dream of in terms of benefits in life. This isn't a poor family with gritty living conditions making due and living pay-check to pay-check, which I would immediately identify. So, try to understand the bias here. This family is the polar opposite of all that. So, why in the hell can I relate with it so much? The answer, in the end, is the same damn reason I relate with Sean Nelson's character in Fresh.

Emotion.

The interactions that the family go through are relatable and realistic enough that they transcend any sort of status symbol, race or class. They're universal to those who've had the same emotions, even if it's just coping. You have a father who is simple and confused, but he’s caring and present. You have a son with PTSD, unwelcome in his own skin, his old haunts, at school, at home, and with authority. And then, you have the mother: a torn, stand-offish, determined battle axe, who at every turn is trying to unhear or trying to change the subject to keep herself in balance - the egoshell™. She, strangely enough, is the most unstable of the three. Not only to the characters, but to the audience. I have to be honest, I didn't get this until about my 5th viewing. I was so busy hating her, I didn't realize that she in fact is the one torn inside the most. She doesn't know what to do, and of course loses it all by trying to keep it all. Ultimately, the story is about a father though, trying to hold this family together, as shown through the son.

(moments before the great Uzi on the bus scene)

Now, the biggest complaint I've ever heard about this story is about the psychologist. I understand that. The reason is due to a perception of over compensation. At that time, and even today, it's seen as being detestable to see a shrink, or something to be looked down upon by some people - mostly cowards. So, the film paints it in a bright light, not a savior but a brighter light than most can accept. I, myself, who have been to many psychologists (you can tell), can say that the light isn't that bright. It's more of a case of: "Look, psychology is a story in itself, and we don't have 6 years to spend on the son getting help for this story. So, let's round out the edges." And that in turn creates quicker results and this idea of painting the shrink as a saint. But, his character is true to psychology - take my word for it - that's how they are. Granted, they're not all nice, but when you get a good one, they really hit the mark on what that’s like. And the film isn't about him anyhow, he's just the handle along the steps the son is climbing - something I felt Good Will Hunting borrowed heavily from.

So we have a traumatized, coping family. The reason they're traumatized really isn't important. Though it's shown with brevity, you soon start to realize that this family is being pulled apart by strings that were on a bad foundation beforehand (which, in my opinion, is the reason the story merely shows glimpses of the tragedy throughout - which was a good decision). It has zero sentimentality. There's no guy playing a harmonica in the corner while an old man runs off about the troubles of life. There's no music cue as two buddies realize their futility while sitting on a dock, boozing.

Everything is shown, it's right there, naked, bald, shivering, and with no place to go.

Every character's behavior is perfect for the story. They're realistic, they're believable. All their choices and actions are accurate to how people react to trauma. No two people act the same in reality, and how they do in the film is something you should focus on. Their behavior and actions are what reveals their emotions. The believability of the emotions they're having and the actions they take are what transfers the emotions to me. If you think in terms of action-reaction, it's accurate. And that’s a good thing to note. No doubt an external conflict has created a personal conflict story here, but it didn't need the external conflict to work. It didn’t need to be shown. Why? Because this cloud every character is in is the aftermath of it. It’s a rippling wave through each of them, and that’s what’s interesting, not the tragic event itself.

I'm rambling now... fuck. But what I want you to take away from this, besides that it will make you cry unless you have no goddamn soul, is that you don't need a hook. You don't need explosions. You don't need a good planet vs. bad aliens all the time, or a talking fucking animal... you don't need any of that, it isn't what matters. All you need is emotion out of something interesting and you've got something.

No matter the class, the race, or any social or political beliefs you hold close to your chest, emotion matters the most. And it has to be from some place genuine. It's what editors cut for. Emotions triumph, and this film is a good example of the proper writing and execution of them. Behavior and action are always a side effect of an emotion, whether they're holding on too tight, don't know what it even is, or know what it is and are trying hard not to lose it. Realistic emotions are paramount. They are what's relatable. In stories, it's what you have to tap into, it's what holds you, even more so than spectacle.

(killers photograph their victims prior to dragging them into the murder basement)

Now, if you've never lived and done things to experience a broad range of emotions, how are you going to hold someone's interest who has? You're not, and your story is going to be flat. It doesn't matter if you hit every plot device out there. Unless you're Chris Nolan and can get away with just plot and sentimentality, your script will drown. As Tom DiCillo once said: "If it ain't got heart, it ain't worth shit." I don't know if he coined that, I just remember him saying it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard my grandfather say that once thirty years ago, but you get the point. I hope.

If I had the chance to talk to that writer, I’d tell him to go live. Go get rejected by a woman, try to survive on nothing, get beat up, go get dirty and come back. Do something to get life experience. And if you can’t for some reason, at least read about those who have and try to fully understand it. And for the love of John-Boy, be interesting and make me feel something beside a bit of thrill or fright. It's tired. There are many more powerful colors of emotion out there besides pink and gamboge... so find ‘em.