#also in my case I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder for what turned out to be a bleeding ulcer

[actual-changeling]

Aziraphale Does NOT Have Depression

or: Please Have a Look at the ICD

or: This Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Does

I cannot believe I even have to make this post, but here we are. Hi. Hello guys. Maybe I should start a series called "Alex fact-checks meta posts" because I have seen things that should have never been written.

A small excursion before we start: The way things usually work in academic circles is that the person making the claim needs to provide proof for said claim, which is then peer-reviewed by unrelated academic parties. That involves not only making sure that the results they are basing their claim on are replicable—meaning that if someone else were to do the same work, they would receive the same result—but also that their methods were ethical and functional.

If it turns out that their methods or any other part of the process are not replicable, functional, or otherwise waterproof, then the paper is marked as not being correct and that it should be disregarded.

While this is far from academic circles, these rules still apply to any kind of conversation or discussion, especially that last part:

If you make a claim, back it up, or it should be disregarded.

With that, welcome to the peer-review of "Aziraphale has depression" claims. Obligatory note that this is not about fanfiction or headcanons but people claiming that Aziraphale canonically has depression.

You may sit in front of your screen and think Alex, why do you think you can write this post? To which I happily respond that not only am I professionally diagnosed with both Dysthymia and Recurrent Depressive Disorder, I have also a) done my research offline with psychiatrists and psychologists and b) know how to read academic literature because my degree very much requires me to be able to do so.

If you want to go and fact-check what I am about to present—which you are explicitly invited to do in case you want to publicly disagree with me—you can find the entirety of the ICD 11 right here.

No paywall, completely free access.

For those who have never heard of it, ICD stands for "International Classification of Diseases", which is by now on its 11th version and written and maintained by the WHO/World Health Organization. It contains all kinds of relevant information, like diagnostic criteria, about all diseases. As you can see, this includes mental disorders and illnesses:

Let's get into it!

First things first, there is no such thing as "depression", that term is a colloquial reduction of a number of different disorders categorized under Mood Disorders -> Depressive Disorders. Said category also contains any and all diagnoses related to Bipolar Disorders.

"Depression" is nondescript, loose, and can mean a long list of things, and social media has diluted and romanticized its meaning. For the purpose of this post, we will have a look at the criteria for three diagnoses:

Dysthymic disorder (shortened here to dysthymia)

Single episode depressive disorder, mild ( // to single episode)

Recurrent depressive disorder, current episode mild ( // recurrent)

I assume people mean a crude mix of these when they say "depression". Both recurrent and single episode can be diagnosed with dysthymia, but they cannot be diagnosed with each other. Recurrent automatically excludes single episode as a diagnosis, which I think is obvious if you think about it.

Before we look at the symptoms themselves, here is something very important to keep in mind about diagnoses: There are two requirements that pretty much every listed disorder and illness in the ICD has.

The first is that the symptoms are not related to something else—whether that's another mental disorder, a physical illness, or simply a cultural influence. It needs to be clear that they are due to something outside of what is already known and not circumstantial.

The second one is that the present symptoms are causing significant distress and impair a person's functioning in at least two different areas of life.

Or, to put it bluntly, a disorder needs to be disordering or it isn't one.

Additionally, the severity of the displayed symptoms needs to be taken into account. If several of them are not causing any negative impact on someone's life, they are not symptoms and cannot be counted.

Now, I will very much reduce the information the ICD provides us with or we will be here forever, but it is all correct and not partial in its meaning. To keep everything neat and tidy, I created a nice, colour-coded table:

If you disagree with what I marked for Aziraphale, great, please provide me with textual evidence of where exactly he exhibits each criteria, that it is not related to periodical stress or something else, and cannot be attributed to exceptional circumstances (like the end of the world).

The ONLY symptom we ever see Aziraphale consistently show throughout all six thousand thousand years is the one marked in yellow: low self-worth or excessive or inappropriate guilt.

However, if you paid attention to what I explained above, you will notice why this is in no way indicative of a depressive disorder.

Not only is it one symptom out of several required ones, it can also be explained by something else, which is the emotional neglect and abuse heaven subjected and subjects every (former) angel to. The same can be said for any anxious symptoms he exhibits sometimes, emphasis on sometimes.

In conclusion, Aziraphale does not have depression, and I think making a case that he does will be almost entirely built on assumptions and subjective interpretations, not anything that is in any shape or form supported by text or subtext.

Does that mean all of his struggles are somehow invalid? No, of course not. They are simply not due to a disorder but something else, that's literally all this post proves. It makes no moral judgement.

[brightgnosis]

I've been struggling with my mental health a lot on and off this month and I hate it. We're fairly certain at this point, however, that it's because of the fact I was forced to up my regular Delta-8 gummy that I take for sleep from 12.5 mg to 22 mg because the store I buy from has stopped selling the 12.5 (on top of no longer selling my CBD Oil as well, to my annoyance).

Originally it was just based off one anecdotal account we found on Reddit; a guy that was talking about starting to have problems with his antidepressants after beginning high-dose THC use for pain relief (or something to that effect). But it lined up with what I was experiencing, and the general time table of the sudden increase. So with the fact I'd literally just done a brand new Thyroid panel and it'd come back dead center, and there was no way my Thyroid'd suddenly dropped enough to put me back into the red in a couple weeks to be having depression issues this severe all over again ... I figured there was no harm at least experimenting with upping my Mood Stabilizer for a few days at minimum.

Sure enough: I leveled right back out again near instantly. So we started looking a little more deeply into it. And as it turns out, there's actually been a few studies about it now that've shown it's not actually great at all. So much so that the Mayo Clinic actively does not recommend THC use for any kind of treatment of Psychiatric Disorders. Mostly because it's been shown to either increase symptoms in those with diagnoses already, or outright trigger the manifestation of latent disorders.

Which of course doesn't actually say anything about use in conjunction with or alongside. But it's reasonable to extrapolate that if that's the original case, then obviously; it's not really rocket science most of the time to put two and two together, as much as people act like it is.

Anyways, I have roughly four choices now to discuss with my GP at my next appointment:

I can try to find the original 12.5 mg from a different store and go back to what I was taking, and pray to HaShem they keep it in stock consistently ... But frankly I'm getting sick and tired of relying on others to actually keep things in stock consistently around here instead of rotating shit out on a random whim;

I can keep taking the 22 mg and just permanently up my Lamictal to the new self-regulated dose I found that works in conjunction with it to still stabilize my mood at the same time- which I know my GP will have no issue authorizing for me as a permanent script;

I can switch back to using my Cannabis + Mimosa Honey Tincture instead, which is impossible to actually tell the dosage of- and it has a higher chance of triggering more of my Bipolar symptoms anyways because not only is Mimosa contraindicated for Bipolar T I and II both, but it also still contains Cannabis anyways;

Or I can stop using edible THC sources altogether and switch to sleeping medications, which I've always had an incredible amount of anxiety surrounding taking and ultimately don't want to take and have been avoiding forever anyways.

This sucks and I hate it. But I hate being depressed all the time again even freaking more.

[feedingtheflockministry]

My Testimony by Woven-in-Christ

I have never shared my whole testimony before because of the bad experiences in churches where I have been falsely accused and very judged. I will try to make this as short as I can.

I was born with Bipolar Disorder and ADHD, then when I was 4 years old the genalized anxiety appeared. At 4 years old was also the first time that my brother tried to hit me while I was leaning on a door. When his fist came I had the reflex to move my head, and his fist went all the way through the door. My brother was not a big violent person, he hurt me yes, terrorized me yes, but he never hit me in the face or sent me to the hospital. He did manage to be able to keep his violence towards me unknown to my mom. That went on until I was 16 years old.

My earthy father is a sociopath who started to verbally abuse me every time we were alone in his car. He would tell me over and over again that my mother was frigid, that she didn’t want to wash his clothes, that she didn’t love me, she only loved my sister and my brother, and so on. I never got the feeling he loved me like his daughter, but instead he was physically attracted to me, especially when I hit my teenage years. During this whole time I was living with my parents. Of course those things he was saying we’re all lies. All of this went on from 3 to 17 years old when I finally had enough of him, and left my parents house.

At 4 years old I knew something was not alright with my brain therefore I asked them repeatedly to take me to a doctor, but my mom was too proud and said taking me to a doctor would follow me all my life. In other words, she didn’t want to tarnish the image of the family. My father said yes, but never took me. In any case back then the doctors didn’t know much about Bipolar Disorders, and even now doctors are very hesitant to diagnose a child with a Bipolar Disorder. It never happens unless the child has a total break from reality in a manic phase. At 4 years old I started to want to die, and the suicidal thoughts never left me until I gave my life to Jesus.

In high school I was so messed up from the sickness and abuse that I started to get involved in witchcraft. I thought it was white magic therefore it wasn’t bad, but now I know that all kinds witchcraft comes from demons. I thought doing this would fill the hole in my soul, but it didn’t! I did this until I turned 15 years old, then started to hang out with a few Haitian girls who were all born again in Christ.

There was one of them who was terrified of me because of what I did, but every time she would tell her aunt how afraid she was of me her aunt would always respond with, “Don’t stop hanging out with her, the Lord Jesus wants her”. One day I was sitting with her on the bus, and saw she was reading a book. I suddenly got very attracted to the cover image of the book so I asked her if I could borrow it. She gave it to me right away. The book was written by Rebecca Brown, and the title was “He Came To Set The Captives Free”. It was about Rebecca rescuing women from withcaft cults and satanic clubs. When I reached the second page I closed the book and repented of my sins right then and there. The next Sunday I attended their church.

Although I didn’t get medicated until I was twenty something, and my life was in total hell, I hung on to God with everything I had, every day. I was literally asking Him to help me every single minute and He did. He kept saying to me, “This is for My glory”. No matter what I went through after that I had found Everything I needed. I found Jesus. He is the only thing that can fill the hole in every person. He is my Everything. Every bad thing that ever happened to me He made it work out for my good because I love Him.

The second most important thing is I forgave everyone who has ever hurt me. This is crucial because if we do not forgive, even our abusers, God will not answer our prayer, and our growth in Christ will never happen. It is our job to forgive, and it is God’s job to take vengeance. Sometimes it was not easy to forgive some people, but I just told God, “I make the decision to forgive that person. Now please make it become a reality in my mind and in my heart”, and He did. He healed me of all my psychological traumas, and He healed me of many physical sicknesses.

I am a living proof that it doesn’t matter how badly you messed up in your life, if you give your life to Jesus, repent and truly follow Him, you will be transformed, healed and made whole! Our God is Awesome!!!!

[jonathangoodbyers]

here's my Long Post about Billy:

Billy Hargrove is a very interesting character because he is a victim-turned-perpetrator. It's clear that he suffered in his childhood but that he also hurt a lot of other people. From a psychological standpoint, his actions make a lot of sense. (I should say that my credentials are that i'm majoring in psychology and it's a pet interest of mine, especially personality disorders. But don't take my word as gospel, I only kind of know what I'm talking about).

Basically, I think Billy is showing early signs of Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD). I say early signs, because aspd is generally only diagnosed in people over the age of 18 and Billy is 17/18 throughout seasons 2 and 3. Furthermore he doesn't actually meet all of the criteria (as far as we know).

Diagnosing fictional characters with any psychiatric illness should be done with caution, mainly because fictional characters are, well, fictional. They were written by someone and their actions have been planned out for them, a real person obviously does not function the same way. Diagnosing someone irl requires a much deeper understanding of that individual and a much broader picture of who they are, you can't get all the facts from a tv show, basically.

tl;dr: disclaimer: this is just funny littol media analysis dont take it too seriously

ASPD criteria: Billy Hargrove

The DSM-V lists these criteria for aspd, of which at least 3 have to be met in order to warrant a diagnosis.

- Failure to conform to social norms and laws, indicated by repeatedly doing illegal activities.

- Deceitfulness, indicated by continuously lying, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain and pleasure.

- Exhibiting impulsivity or failing to plan ahead.

- Irritability and aggressiveness, indicated by repeatedly getting into fights or physically assaulting others.

- Reckless behaviors that disregard the safety of others.

- Irresponsibility, indicated by repeatedly failing to consistently work or honor financial obligations.

- Lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another person.

Other than these, an individual has to be at least 18 years old, they have to show signs of conduct disorder before the age of 15, and their behavior is not better explained by schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

In Billy's case, it is unclear whether he could have had conduct disorder as a child, as we see very little of how he behaved before the start of season 2, so I'm going to ignore this criterium. (In a real diagnostic interview you would of course ask questions about this and try to get a solid idea of someone's history but we can't do that here).

Billy also does not show signs of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder.

Failure to conform to social norms and laws, indicated by repeatedly doing illegal activities.

Billy is not shown committing many crimes, he drives recklessly and gets into fights, but other than that, we see very little of this. Billy does not commit theft, nor do we see him abuse hard drugs or frankly do anything that could get him arrested (besides speeding and assault). He does show patterns of law-breaking behavior in this sense, but it is relatively limited.

Deceitfulness, indicated by continuously lying, using aliases, or conning others for personal gain and pleasure.

Billy is not a particularly deceitful person, but we do see him twist the truth on occasion to gain favor with others. Prime example is when he is out looking for Max and he ends up at the Wheeler's house (season 2). He tells Karen that he is 'worried sick' about his little sister and acts oddly charming towards her. We know that this can't be entirely true, as he later tells Steve that he thinks Max is a bitch. Billy is capable of putting on a charming persona if he needs someone to like him, as opposed to when he's interacting with people that he dislikes, where we see him behave in a more hostile manner, intimidating and insulting people.

Exhibiting impulsivity or failing to plan ahead.

Once again, it is hard to tell. I would say that the scene where he almost hits Mike, Dustin, Lucas and Will with his car is a decent example of impulsive behavior. In the moment, he is trying to scare Max into compliance, but he is probably not intending to actually hurt the party. It is impulsive in the sense that it is dangerous and he doesn't seem to care much.

Irritability and aggressiveness, indicated by repeatedly getting into fights or physically assaulting others.

This is a hard yes and I don't think anyone will disagree, but I'm gonna explain anyway. Billy is happy enough to get into a fight with Steve, he is frequently seen snapping at people (specifically Max). Before he gets flayed in season 3, when he crashes his car, his first reaction is anger. If Max doesn't immediately do what he tells her to do, he gets angry. When the kids lure him into the sauna to test if he got flayed, before he knows what's going on, he's already threatening to kill whoever is messing with him and that's before the mind flayer even takes over. Billy instinctively responds to any potential threat or unsatisfactory situation with anger and hostility.

Reckless behaviors that disregard the safety of others.

Again, the scene where he almost hits the party with his car comes to mind, and his driving in general. We do see recklessness, but I think his limited screen time is mostly the reason why we don't see it more often.

Irresponsibility, indicated by repeatedly failing to consistently work or honor financial obligations.

This does not seem to be accurate for Billy. At his lifeguard job, we do not see any signs that he isn't taking it seriously. Because of his age, he doesn't seem to have many financial obligations that we could look at, but I think that Max is arguably one of the biggest responsibilities he has. Although Billy is mean to her, he does (begrudgingly) take responsibility. Even if it is not much more than driving her places and babysitting.

Lack of remorse after hurting or mistreating another person.

This one is complicated because we don't see either remorse or a lack thereof with most of his actions. He beats up Steve, passes out and then it's never really mentioned again. Max threatens him with the baseball bat, he seems to accept that he can't push her around anymore and that's the end of it. He doesn't apologize, but he also doesn't explicitly not feel sorry for what he did. When he's locked in the sauna, there is a moment where he breaks down in tears saying he didn't mean to kill anyone and that 'he' (the mind flayer) made him do it. I personally believe that this was genuine and not some trick from the mind flayer, but I think it is up to interpretation. It is also a dubious example of remorse for his actions, since they weren't really his actions.

Can Billy be diagnosed with aspd?

ehh,,,? maybe? I think he does show some very clear symptoms but we really don't have enough evidence to make a hard yes or no decision. Assuming that his behavior that we see on screen is representative of how he always behaves, I would say aspd is the most likely diagnosis.

What I find so important about this is that personality disorders are not incurable or necessarily chronic. A lot of Stranger Things fans see Billy as an irredeemable evil villain, but from this perspective, we see that he is a person with an illness, who needs help and most importantly, who can get better. Billy shows patterns of bad/antisocial behavior, but those patterns can be broken.

I think analyzing characters like this is important because there are plenty of people in the real world that are just like Billy Hargrove, and those people deserve compassion and help as well.

[dropintomanga]

What If I Was Born in a Different Time Period?

Around November last year, I hit the big 40. It was a big deal and there were good people who acknowledged my birthday. As an anime/manga fan for about 30 years now, it’s been amazing to see how much anime and manga have become mainstays in nerd pop culture. Yet as I continue to grow older, I can’t help but wonder about my place among a genre that continues to mostly captivate the young.

I say this because while I still love a lot of series that target youth, there’s things I can’t keep up with anymore or aged out of. That’s mostly due to fan enthusiasm and desire to talk with other fans. I do research and become passionate about other things, but I don’t really talk about them in great detail online. As Ogiue Maniax once wrote, social media discourse has become the main flavor in getting attention.

Also, recently, among the Discord groups I’m a part of, I sometimes feel like I don’t belong despite physically being there. I see the many folks in their ‘20s-’30s all going out and having fun. I’ve been dealing with constant health problems ever since I hit 40. Even when I do feel better, another setback occurs. It feels like it never ends. My mom did tell me that the older you get, the harder it is to recover from health ailments.

I had the grand thought of thinking “What I was in my ‘20s right now?” I thought this because of all the various platforms and outlets to find people with similar nerd interests to you today compared to when I was in my ‘20s. When I was younger, I didn’t really have many people to talk to about my hobbies. They weren’t as mainstream. I used to have a group of friends in high school who I thought were cool, but it felt like they never respected my hobbies and/or I pushed my interests too hard on them. Maybe it just wasn’t a good fit. I started to ask myself “If I were in my 20s’ right now, maybe I wouldn’t be diagnosed with clinical depression due to nerd culture being mainstream. Maybe I wouldn’t feel very lonely at times. I would have the energy to keep up with fans.”

Anyway, in some ways, I’m a bit jealous at the younger generations right now. But I think back to something my sister once told me about education. She told me that she’s worried about people growing up in U.S. schools today due to how bad it is compared to now. There’s just so much pressure to achieve in order to gain a “better life” and parents are forced to be part of a vicious cycle of hearing that they’re not good enough despite trying their best. The high suicide rates among the youth are also alarming. So maybe I’ll have to dial down my jealousy quite a bit.

I went back to a book I once read from someone living with mental illness and he talked about turning 40 while having bipolar disorder. He felt that everyone outgrew him during their ‘20s while he was trying to figure his life out for the longest time. He said that even though he’s 40, he feels more like someone in his ‘30s and has an easier time getting along with 25-year olds than people his age.

In some cases, this is true with me. I feel like I’m FINALLY starting to figure things out and mental illness took a good amount of time from me. When I was at Anime NYC and also with my local mahjong group, I had a fun time talking to and being around people younger than me. I think that’s due to my super-prolonged adolescence and delayed adulthood.

I can say “What if..” all I want and yet, I’ve felt content with where I’m at for now. I do want to do better things, but I now have some wisdom to say “it’s okay to be average” in a world where everyone is told that they’re “special” while not realizing that it can lead you to compare yourself to others in an unhealthy manner. I don’t think I would ever have that kind of knowledge if I was 15-20 years younger.

Sometimes, I’m still sad because of my age since things have definitely gotten a bit harder. It’s fine. I got reminders of what still makes me valuable. A much younger co-worker of mine once told me that I inspired him to keep up with his hobbies due to me being outspoken about them at work. When I told my mahjong group about how they helped me get through some very personal drama and discussed briefly my potential suicide attempt in 2016, their leader said “I’m so glad you made it through!”

So I’ll try to make the most of what I have right now even with all the feelings I feel. I’m actually glad that I managed to live a life so far where I haven’t been numbed to a huge degree. It’s not the “best” for most people, but I don’t think I could become a thoughtful person who’s cognizant of the things around me. There’s obviously things I could have done better and I’m still working on them. I’ll also be fighting ageist stereotypes as best I can.

I'll always ponder about being born in a different period of time. And I’ll try to make this time period different in a way I know that will work for me.

[briamichellewrites]

32

Mike and Brad compared notes over wine after Bria had gone to bed. They were very similar, though they both had different perspectives. Neither of them wanted to lose the other by falling asleep and waking up in a different time. They were in love and they wanted to be together. Mike was able to watch him as a father. He was Bria’s father but he was also her friend. Instead of punishing her, he preferred talking with her about what she was doing wrong. That worked a lot better than time outs.

He did raise his voice to her because she was way too close to the pool and was about to fall in. She stopped and turned to look behind her. Oh. She hadn’t been paying attention while she was running around burning off energy. After turning around again, he reminded her that she needed to watch where she was going. She nodded before running away.

They were outside for about forty five minutes. It was a nice evening. The sun was setting, so it was a little chilly. She was only wearing a t shirt and shorts, so she was very cold. The house was nice and warm. She bounced upstairs to get her pajamas on and teeth brushed. Bounce. Bounce. Bounce. Just like the Rabbit in Winnie the Pooh. If she had a tail, she would be bouncing on it like a pogo stick. Mike laughed. Her energy reminded him of Chester after too much coffee.

Yeah, she had ADHD. That was what he suspected because he remembered it from his dream. They were keeping an eye on her in case she developed bipolar disorder. She had a thirty percent risk of being diagnosed later in life because the symptoms overlapped. Did her parents have bipolar? They didn’t know because the grandparents were not involved in her life.

“When they found out her biological mother was pregnant, both sets of parents kicked them out. They wanted nothing to do with them or their baby. When they died, they were working at a retail store for minimum wage. They also had to drop out of high school. That’s all we know about them.”

“How old were they?”

“They were seventeen or eighteen years old. I have the file in my office somewhere with all of her information. She went into foster care because nobody would claim her.”

He remembered seeing the news reports about the accident. His parents were very concerned about a newborn baby being orphaned. They even talked about adopting her but for some reason, they decided not to. He couldn’t remember what the reason was. It was probably financial since they had him and his younger brother, Jason. They would have loved having a little sister to spoil.

His poor parents, though. He didn’t know if they could keep up with her energy levels. Brad laughed. Neither could his parents. They usually took her somewhere she could run around, like a park. He laughed. What happened to the guy who hit them? He was in prison and had to pay a fine, along with a settlement. That money was in a bank account for her when she got older. Did they talk about her parents? They did occasionally. She was curious about them but he didn’t have very many answers.

She knew she was adopted and why. He never hid it from her. She also knew about the dangers of driving under the influence. When she started driving, he was going to talk to her more about it. She wasn’t very affected by the accident because she didn’t remember it.

“‘A bad guy did something stupid and killed my parents.’ That’s how she understands the accident. I’m the superhero who adopted her.”

“That’s cute. Children know more than you think. They just can’t express it. When she’s older, she will be able to talk about it more. You are a great father. Always remember that.”

He thanked him and they kissed. They both said I love you. Bria accepted her father’s boyfriend because she liked Mike. He liked her too. She was a great kid. He and Brad talked about him moving in with them. They decided to give her a year to get used to having him around the house. He didn’t want her to get hurt if their relationship didn’t work out. Mike had no problem with that. If she was his daughter, he would want the same thing.

Her agent had yet to call them about jobs. It was a little frustrating because she wanted to work. He reminded himself to be patient. Auditions would come eventually. She continued spending time with Mike and his band at the studio. They were always very happy to have her with them. She was very curious about everything and they could see her mind soaking it all up like a sponge.

They took turns being with her. Her favorite part of the studio? The vending machines! She loved being able to pick whatever she wanted for a few dollars. Her energy and enthusiasm let them remember what it was like to be a kid. They were men in their twenties, who were not that impressed by vending machines. But she was. She also told them about pirate aliens with green goo as their blood. They went around to different ships and villages and took whatever they wanted.

Just like real pirates. Nobody knew they were aliens because they looked like real people. Until they stabbed them and a bunch of green goo came out. They went to a village and all the people fought back with whatever they could use for weapons. Then they put all the dead aliens back on the pirate ship and pushed it, so it sailed off. Nobody knows what happened after that.

“That’s very… interesting. What made you think of this”, Dave asked.

“I just made it up in my head.”

The guys laughed. She was an interesting child. They also learned she listened to everything from nineties pop to seventies rock and Broadway musicals. One of her favorites was Cats. Her father was very careful about what she watched or listened to. He had to ask Helena Bonham Carter about what she recommended because he knew nothing about Broadway. She recommended Phantom of the Opera and the Lion King. Was The Lion King her favorite movie? Yeah.

She also liked Aladdin and Pocahontas. Those were the only two movies she could think of. What did she do when she was on set with her father? She did her schoolwork before playing at a picnic table. In the afternoon, she took a nap in his trailer. They usually had to wake up really early. After dinner, she got ready for bed before watching a movie until she fell asleep.

Then, her father woke her up when it was time to go home or back to the hotel. She also liked watching the ants on the ground. If nobody could find her, she would usually be underneath the picnic table watching the ants. Sometimes she gave them grass to bring home with them. Her father thought she would be a bug expert when she was older. She had books on ants and insects. Did her father like bugs or insects? No, they grossed him out. They laughed.

It sounded like a fun childhood. The only thing missing were friends her age. She was constantly around adults. Mike would talk to Brad about that. They could see why she was homeschooled. She had a lot of energy! But she wasn’t disruptive or distracting.

She could quietly work on a project or play on her Game Boy. Sitting still was a problem for her, so she often had to stand up or sit on her feet. During breaks, she was able to move around. They all agreed she was a child they would only meet once in their lifetime! They adopted her unofficially as their little sister, though Mike was starting to see her as his daughter. He was so happy to have her and Brad in his life.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon @fiickle-nia @boricuacherry-blog

[thebibliosphere]

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

[freedomseeker91]

10 Major Takeaways From Grammy Winner Beca Mitchell’s Instagram Live Chat: “I didn’t want to be taken advantage of”

On her early diagnosis:

“I didn’t know what was wrong with me specifically, but I knew that whatever was going on inside my head wasn’t right. I would have these moments of clarity where I would be like I’m not okay, but then there would be this switch and it was like everything would get turned upside down on its head and I was just holding on for dear life.”

On learning to accept her illness:

“Honestly when I was finally diagnosed it was like this combination of relief because it finally had a name, but also fear. Because the reality is, you’re living with this illness that can consume you so completely and push you to the edge of life and questioning how do I relate to people anymore. It took a really long time for me to come to a place of acceptance and a lot of it happened once I started to learn how to handle it.”

On keeping her secret from the public:

“I’ve lived with so much anxiety for so many years worrying about relapsing or having my condition revealed when I wasn’t ready. When you live under a microscope you don’t have the luxury of much privacy. And then you also have the added stress of the pressure to perform and be at your best not wanting to let anyone down. I didn’t actively go out of my to hide it, I just didn’t want the attention. The media and social media can be very unforgiving and unrelenting.”

On why she chose to open up now:

“Seeing what Britney went through, it got to me in a way I didn’t think anything outside of my immediate circle could. That person could’ve very easily been me. There are systems in place that allow callous people to take advantage of people who are perceived by the eyes of the law as vulnerable. If god forbid I ever relapsed I would hope, with advances we have in treating mental illness, that I would be taken care of, not locked in a prison I can’t escape from. I didn’t want to be seem as someone who could be taken advantage of. I don’t want to be taken advantage of and I don’t want to see this happen to somebody else.”

On living with bipolar disorder on a daily basis:

“I’m not gonna say it’s easy. I take meds every day to sit here and be the person that I am right now, in control of my mind and my thoughts. But there are still hard days. I’ll always live with the worry that I will have a relapse or that some day I’ll forget to take my medication and I’ll spiral. But it’s all part of the process, one that I’m still learning and building on every day.”

On the stigma surrounding mental illness and Bipolar Disorder:

“I do think we are getting better at acknowledging mental illness and mental health, but there’s still a long way to go. I mean, even hearing the term Bipolar Disorder, a lot of people still have this perception that if you have it you’re incapable of functioning and that’s not the case at all. It’s such a treatable illness but it does need to be treated. Once you get on that path, your life is yours to do whatever you want with it. If you can keep yourself on track nothing can stop you.”

On whether or not her illness interferes with her career:

“I’m not gonna sit here and say every day is perfect. Like I’ve said there’s a lot of pressure and expectation working in this industry and you’re dealing with all that while having the eyes of the world watching you. There are days where I definitely feel my mind begin to waver especially if I’m stressed. But as I said before those are the moments where I need to check in on myself and make sure that nothing comes before keeping my mind in a good place. If it’s not, then I need to take myself out of the game and recalibrate.”

On finding her soulmate and handling her illness as a couple:

“Having that person who sees you for who you are and not just as this illness, honestly it can completely change how you see yourself. From the day Chloe and I met she has never once made me feel like my Bipolar is bigger than me. Yes it’s a part of me, and we deal with it together, but it doesn’t define me. When I’m with Chloe I feel like the best version of me I could ever hope to be. Being with her has given me focus and purpose in a way not even music could. She’s the lighthouse that calls me home when the tide turns and I feel like I can’t make it back to shore. She is the safest place I could ever hope to land .”

On why she chose the Mind Over Matter Live to share her story:

“This space was created to remind people about how important our mental health is and to create a community where people who are struggling can feel seen and be heard. If ever I was gonna share my story this is the safest place I could have ever done it. Where better to share your story than with the person who makes you feel the safest right by your side in a community that embraces peoples struggles instead of forcing them into the shadows. I’m so proud of Chloe for creating Mind Over Matter and being such a force for good.”

On her hopes for the future:

“The only thing I could ever hope for is to be a small part in this ripple effect that is pushing for change. If my story helps one person then it’s totally worth it. If it somehow reaches someone in their time of need and proves to them that you can be okay, that you can take on the world and win I couldn’t ask for more. For me personally, I just want to marry the love of my life, build a family, keep making music and keep my mind on the right track, cause that’s all that matters.”

[cuntess-carmilla]

Do you have sources about chronic stress causing dysautonomia? Asking because I've been having symptoms that could be due to dysautonomia and I already have diabetes which my doctors think is due to or was at least heavily worsened by chronic stress from lifelong trauma.

Also I thought anxiety was about having anxious thoughts but I keep being diagnosed with anxiety even though I don't have any anxious thoughts it's just near constantly having physical symptoms/the physical feeling of anxiety (high pulse, feeling lightly nauseous, a sensation in my chest/upper stomach that my brain interprets as "feels like something is wrong", etc) but after a quick google those are all also potentially dysautonomia symptoms

Here's the post where I talked about it more in depth with a link to the webinar! It focuses on EDS patients but it can apply to anyone whose body experiences consistent distress and imo even people whose original distress isn't necessarily physically rooted.

Anxiety is a little more complex than that but a lot of people get misdiagnosed with anxiety due to physiological symptoms such as palpitations or dizziness, and yeah, exactly like you say, those are symptoms of dysautonomia as well as a billion other physical conditions. Even fucking anemia and autoimmunity. What's more is that there's plenty of physical conditions that can cause legitimate anxious thoughts, compulsions and obsessions as a result of the constant stress and dysfunction of our bodies.

According to the webinar the most common psychiatric/psychological disorders that people with dysautonomia get misdiagnosed with are anxiety, depression and AD(H)D, though there's cases of them getting misdiagnosed as bipolar and other more stigmatized diagnoses, which was my case. In the webinar the doctor discusses a patient who was diagnosed with (if I remember correctly) extreme agoraphobia through all of her youth when it turns out that the "anxiety" she was experiencing was the result of MASSIVE levels of increased adrenaline due to EDS chronic pain and dysautonomia. As soon as they gave her beta-blockers, she could suddenly leave the house with 100% normal ease and be in crowds with no problem.

[bellafarella]

angst 17 and/or fluff 13 and/or misc 1

choices 😉

Thanks for sending me these!! I wrote for all 3; the angst one is a fic on it’s own, and the fluff & misc are in a fic together. 

The sentences came from this post 

You can also read both of these here: angst & fluff/misc

**********************************************

Put your arms around me

Angst #17: “If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.”

Ian and Mickey have been taking care of Franny for the past three months. Debbie took off with her loser, new girlfriend and she promises she’ll be back in another two months. She was going to take Franny with her but Mickey offered to let them watch her. Franny got all excited, begging her mom to let her stay with her favorite uncles. Debbie relented and took off the next day. Ian and Mickey have a second bedroom in their new apartment that they were going to convert into a guest room anyway so this became Franny’s room until Debbie comes back for her child. 

Ian picks Franny up from school, meeting her in front. She rips her mask off as she runs over to him, hugging his legs. “Hey Fran,” he greets her, tapping her back.

“Hi,” she says in her tiny voice. “No uncle Mickey?” she asks when she lets go, looking up at him and shrugging her shoulders. 

“Not today, he had something to do,” Ian tells her. “We’ll meet him back at home later.”

“Okay,” she says simply. She takes his hand when he offers it to her and the two walk off school grounds. He asks her how school was as they make their way to the ambulance parked down the street. Ian has Franny ride in the back, strapped in so that she stays safe as he drives them back home. 

They get inside the apartment, Ian locking the door behind them as Franny runs in. “Go wash your hands, Fran,” he yells after her.

“I know!” she yells back in her little voice. 

Ian walks to the kitchen sink to wash his own hands. As he dries them off, he feels his phone vibrating in his pocket. It’s from a private number so he picks up just in case, “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Ian Gallagher?” the person on the other end asks.

“Um, yes, who is this?” he asks, making his way back to the living room where Franny is now dumping her stuff from her school bag on the coffee table.

“I’m calling from South Shore Hospital. We have a Mikhailo Milkovich that was brought in today and -”

“What happened? Is Mickey okay? I’m his husband,” he says in a panic, realizing they must know he’s his husband since they called him.

“Yes, sir. Mikhailo was in an accident, he’s okay, but he’s asked us to call you,” the person tells him. 

“I’m on my way now,” he tells him before the person tells him where exactly he is and then he hangs up. “C’mon Franny, we gotta go get uncle Mickey.”

“Can I bring a toy?” Franny asks.

“Just one,” Ian tells her. 

Franny grabs one of her toys quickly from her room before the two are back out the door and in the ambulance. Ian doesn’t park too close, seeing as this is still a stolen ambulance, and the two walk the rest of the way to the hospital.

Ian finds the nurse’s station of who he spoke to on the phone before she leads him to Mickey’s room. Franny’s holding Ian’s hand as they make their way inside and see Mickey laying on the hospital bed with his leg in a cast. 

“Oh my God, Mick,” Ian says, tears threatening to fall already.

Franny lets go of Ian’s hand to run to Mickey’s side, she looks at him and he says, “Hey, kid.”

“Are you okay, uncle Mickey?” she asks so softly he barely hears it.

“I’m okay,” he tells her but he looks up at Ian, nodding his head softly, reassuringly.

Ian joins them closer to Mickey and leans down, kissing him softly on the lips. He pulls back and asks, “What the hell happened?”

“Some jackass wasn’t looking and hit me with his fuckin’ car,” Mickey tells him. “Fractured my leg. They said I’ll be in this cast for like six to eight weeks.”

Ian looks down at his leg in the cast and how this could have been so much worse. A fractured leg is nothing but had this car hit him harder or at a different angle and - 

Ian starts tearing up and Mickey says, “Hey, Ian, I’m okay,” his hand grabbing his where it’s resting on the bed beside him.

“If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart,” Ian tells him, letting the tears slip down his cheeks.

“Come here,” Mickey mumbles, pulling him closer. Ian leans down and Mickey wraps his arms around Ian awkwardly seeing as he’s sitting up in bed and Ian’s crouching down.

Ian shoves his face in the crook of Mickey’s neck and lets the tears fall, breathing in his scent, and praying to whatever God there is that his husband is okay and here in his arms.

Ian feels Franny hugging his legs so he pulls back and lifts her up. Mickey pats the bed next to him, away from his broken leg, and Ian puts her down next to him. Ian sits in the chair, pulling it right up beside the bed and waits. The doctor comes in not much longer to explain to them both what Mickey can and cannot do for the first couple of weeks and how recovery will go, before they are free to go. 

Ian wheels Mickey out of the hospital in a wheelchair with Franny walking closely beside him. He brings Mickey all the way to their stolen ambulance in the wheelchair, helps him into the vehicle and tells them both to wait there before rushing back to return the wheelchair and running back to get them all home. 

That night while they’re lying in bed, Ian sleeping on the other side of his fractured leg, he snuggles close, resting his head on his chest. “I felt like my heart was going to drop out of my ass when I got a call from the hospital saying you were in an accident,” Ian whispers.

Mickey’s arm is wrapped around him and he’s soothingly running his fingers up and down Ian’s arm. “I’m okay,” he says softly. 

“It could have been so much worse though, Mick…”

“It wasn’t though. I’m right here,” Mickey reassures him.

“Uncle Mickey?” they hear from the open doorway. 

“C’mon in, Fran,” Mickey tells her. 

“Be careful of uncle Mickey’s leg,” Ian reminds her. 

Franny slowly climbs onto the bed, Ian moving over so she can get in the middle. She snuggles right up against Mickey like Ian just was and says, “I’m happy you’re okay.”

“Me too,” Mickey tells her, kissing her forehead. 

Ian snuggles up behind her, reaching his arm over so he can hold Mickey’s hand. Mickey squeezes his hand and the three of them fall asleep together, thankful that Mickey’s okay.

/////////////

A teenage crush 

Misc #1: “All I do is drink coffee and say bad words.” & Fluff #13: “Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

Ian hates his warehouse job. Well, he doesn’t hate one part about it, which is his very grumpy but very hot supervisor, who on his first day meeting him was told, “All I do is drink coffee and say bad words.” It immediately made Ian like him. 

Ian hasn’t had a legal job since he worked at the Kash’n’Grab when he was like fourteen. So much has happened in the last ten years. Most of it bad but also some good. He was able to finally get stable after being diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder like his mother and he found himself this job. It’s been about six months that he’s working for Amazon and the only good part about coming to work every day is seeing his supervisor. 

Usually people don’t develop massive crushes on their superiors but not Ian. The first day he started and he met Mickey Milkovich, Ian thought his heart would jump out of his chest. He’s never felt this way before. He’s been with plenty of men in his short lifetime but there’s something about Mickey that - mmph. He makes Ian act like a teenager with a crush again. 

Mickey is abrasive. He has crude knuckle tattoos. He has the most fowl, dirty mouth Ian’s ever heard. He has piercing blue eyes and black hair. He’s been at the center of Ian’s dreams for the past six months. 

He has no idea what Mickey’s sexuality is. They don’t hang out. Mickey’s the warehouse supervisor, he’s his boss. They chat here and there but it’s never anything more than pleasantries. Mickey doesn’t do small talk and has told him multiple times to ‘shut the fuck up and get back to work, Gallagher’. But Ian has his suspicions. He’s noticed Mickey’s eyes wandering his body when he comes into work in tight shirts or if his jeans are a little more snug than he normally wears. 

Ian tries to get Mickey to notice him more than just his employee. He wants to spend time with him outside of work. He wants to bend him over and fuck him, give him the best dick he’s ever had. 

Ian snaps out of it, trying to get back to work. He continues going through the box, making sure the products aren’t expired. It’s not the most thrilling job Ian’s ever had but it’s a stable job, a stable paycheck - even if it’s minimum wage - so it’s giving him the security and stability he needs in his life right now. 

“Gallagher,” he hears and knows immediately it’s Mickey. He smiles to himself before turning around to see the shorter man making his way over with his trusty clipboard. He looks so good today. He looks good everyday but today he has on some dark blue jeans and a burgundy crewneck sweater that’s rolled up his forearms.

“Hey, Mick, what’s up?” Ian says, going for nonchalant and not like he was just checking his boss out.

Mickey rolls his eyes slightly like he always does when Ian says Mick. No one else calls him that but he doesn’t tell Ian to stop so he doesn’t, he likes the tiny smile he sometimes gets from him when he calls him that. “When you’re done with those, come see me in my office,” he tells him.

Ian gets a sudden wave of nausea and panic. Mickey must notice because he clicks his tongue and says, “Man, calm down, you’re fine. Just - come see me after, yeah?”

Ian nods, mutters out a, “Yeah,” before Mickey walks away. 

Ian works quickly, wanting this over with so he could see what Mickey wants. He said you’re fine so this can’t be a bad thing, he can’t be getting fired… right?!

Less than an hour later, Ian knocks on Mickey’s open door. He has a tiny office in the corner of the warehouse. It’s not much but it’s his own private space so that must be nice. “Hi,” he says softly when Mickey looks up.

“Come in, shut the door,” Mickey tells him.

Ian nervously steps inside, closing the door behind him before walking over to the chair on the other side of Mickey’s desk and sits down. Mickey says, “So I have a job opportunity for you.”

“What?” Ian asks a little louder than he expected.

Mickey smiles softly before it disappears. “Yeah, man, what did you think I was gonna fire your  ass?”

“Kind of,” Ian tells him honestly, making Mickey laugh.

Mickey clicks his tongue, “I told you you were fine, man.”

“How fine?” Ian tries to flirt.

It fails because Mickey’s eyebrows shoot up and he asks, “What?”

“Nothing, so a job opportunity?”

“Uh, yeah, so I’m leaving and they need a new warehouse supervisor and figured you should do it,” Mickey tells him.

“Wait - what? Where are you going?” 

“Another job opportunity elsewhere for more pay. So, you interested or not? You get a higher salary and benefits.”

“Why me? I’ve only been here six months,” Ian asks confused.

“It won’t be for another couple months or so but - look, you’re a hard worker, you don’t take any shit, you work quickly and efficiently and you’re always on time and never call in sick. I was told to choose a replacement and I chose you,” Mickey explains, shrugging a little right at the end, looking a little nervous.

Ian smiles softly. Hearing Mickey say these things about him - things he’s noticed about him, it makes him feel really good. “Fuck yeah - I - sorry, yes, I’m definitely interested in the job,” Ian stammers.

Mickey smiles at him and nods. “Good so there’s like paperwork and shit you’re gonna need to fill out. Do you have anywhere to be right after your shift or can we do that then?”

“That works,” Ian grins.

Mickey nods again before saying, “Cool, now get the fuck out of my office and get back to work, Gallagher.”

Ian can’t get rid of his grin as he stands and leaves his office. He’s getting a promotion and Mickey won’t be his boss soon so he needs to try and seal the deal soon. Spending some time together after work is exactly what Ian had been hoping for since he started this job.

Ian’s working late tonight, doing some overtime since a few people called out today so by the end of his shift it just seems to be him and Mickey left in the warehouse. He quickly uses the washroom, making sure he doesn’t look too much like shit before heading to Mickey’s office. Just like earlier, the door is open so he knocks on the side lightly and says, “Hey,” before walking in and going to sit across from him.

“Hey, did everyone else fuck off yet?” Mickey asks him.

Ian can’t help but chuckle lightly. “Yeah, just us.”

Mickey hums, eyeing Ian. Ian sees this look, appreciates it, and definitely wants to jump on it but before he can, Mickey looks down at his desk and grabs a stack of papers. “So, this is what you gotta fill out. Mostly stupid information shit we already know and just some other forms mostly for you to keep that shows proof of your increase in salary and the benefits you’ll get. Just need to make sure you sign the copies for us and the rest you keep,” he explains.

Ian takes it from Mickey’s offering and quickly glances through it. “Do you need this back right away?” he looks up to see Mickey watching him.

“Nah, just bring our copies back whenever,” Mickey tells him. He thumbs at his bottom lip gently and Ian just wants to bite it. “Don’t wanna keep you if you got somewhere to be or whatever.”

Ian smirks, “Are you flirting with me?”

Mickey smirks right back and says, “You finally noticed?”

This shocks Ian. “Sorry what?! When did you ever flirt with me before?” he asks.

Mickey rolls his eyes, “Maybe it ain’t obvious or whatever but I’m your boss, man… can’t just straight up tell you I want you to fuck me in my office.”

Ian’s heartbeat speeds up and blood rushes straight to his cock, it twitching in his jeans. “You - I -”

“Just get the fuck on me already,” Mickey says, putting him out of his misery.

Ian stands, pushing his chair back. He walks around the desk in time for Mickey to stand before  he’s grabbing his face in his hands and kissing him hard on the lips. Mickey moans into the kiss, his hands grabbing onto Ian’s waist and pulling him hard against him. Ian brings his right hand down Mickey’s side and to his thigh, lifting it slightly and pushing Mickey up against his desk before he hops up and sits on it, Ian getting in between his legs.

“Wanted this for so long,” Ian tells him as he kisses his way down his jaw and to his neck. 

“Mmm, me too,” Mickey says, running his fingers through Ian’s hair and keeping his head where it is, sucking on his neck.

Ian pulls back slightly, looking into those piercing blue eyes that he’s fantasized about looking back at him just this way. They hear a noise from outside of his office so Ian steps back. Mickey jumps off the desk and makes his way to the door. He looks out and turns back to Ian, “Just the cleaning crew. We should probably -”

“You wanna come over? Um, if you want to like pick up where we left off?” Ian asks hopefully, a small smile on his face.

“You live alone?” Mickey asks, eyebrow cocked.

“Um… no,” Ian says, sadness creeping in that his one shot with Mickey got ruined.

“I do. Grab your shit and let’s go back to my place, Red,” Mickey flirts.

Ian grins, doing exactly what he’s told before the two of  them rush out of there and Ian gets exactly what he’s wanted for the past six months, Mickey Milkovich, more than just his boss.

Send me some sentence prompts 

[facesofone]

Hey👋🏻

I didn't really know if I should send this ask😅I'm rather anxious about stuff like that

I just-

I can't really get my hand on information that would help me

I am currently developing a part in myself

She reacts to the same name as me but I thought about calling her differently because it seemed more comfortable

I have been considering DID for some time, but it's just-

*I* am still there when I switch?? It's just...like somebody flipped a coin and I have this totally opposite personality

But she only comes out when I'm in a situation that stresses me out. She takes over because I can't deal with the situation

But I'm still there...it's just like I'm standing a bit behind myself and she's my shield, I can still kinda make decisions but with *her* personality, combined with her

I don't know if that makes sense...I told my family but no matter how hard they try they can't really understand what I have

I just wanted to ask if this is a form that might me possible with DID or if you have experienced something like that yourself/know someone who does

I have an appointment with someone I can talk to on wednesday but I'm so scared to talk about this, because I'm afraid they'll tell me I'm imagining things or just say I'm just misinterpreting my feelings, since I'm bipolar

But I know that this other person isn't me but I'm still present, thinking but she's just kinda...in control after my switches? But she let's me take full control as soon as the stressful situation is over, if I want to come fully back

I'm just so confused and I don't know who to turn to

My psychiatrist is often very difficult to talk to and is all about medication and doesn't really give me any options when it comes to diagnoses. I only get information when he already diagnosed me

I'm sorry if I'm bothering you, it was just really hard to overcome my anxiety and my second part is rather mistrusting and wary of people

But she did let me write this ask so it feels like the right thing

If this is something that you're not feeling comfortable with, please just tell me

I don't mean to be a bother, I'm just rather out of options

Sry, this got a bit long😅🙈

Hey you are absolutely not a bother! So firstly I gotta say I can give you my thoughts but I can't diagnose or speak for all systems. But I'll try to help as best I can!

So it sounds like you may have what is known as a 'Protector' alter. Her primary focus seems to be on being between you and a stressful situation. This is a good thing, relatively speaking, as you can at least not worry about self-sabotage.

Also I get what you mean about the worry. I am diagnosed Bipolar too and while it explains some of my life, not nearly everything. There were always things I had experienced that weren't typical to the disorder. This lead me to keep the process of self-evaluation and identification. I too was worried that my intial diagnosis would be the only thing my medical professionals would acknowledge. But that's not always the case. My team did listwn and found new ways to help me process and understand that new info. I hope your people give you the same kind of care.

Whether or not this experience is an alter or something else, I do recommend talking through it and doing some self-reflection to lern more about this part of yourself. I hope your Wednesday appointment goes well!

[tallys-train-blog]

Can I please have some headcanons on The Star Tugs? (And maybe also the Z-Stacks if you want to)

Since you didn't really specify what you wanted i figured I delve into their personal lives a little.

⚠️Warnings⚠️ talks of mental illness and disabilities

Btw any talk of anxiety, autism, PTSD ect are from my personal experiences with it and how I interpret characters and the way they act bc of my past.

Star Fleet

Tencents

Tencents has always struggled with anger issues since he was little.

He wouldn't hurt people but he had issues with a short temper and short patience which would result in him throwing wooden blocks when he was little and snapping and kicking pieces of Wood around the port now and punching walls and wood slabs.

He punched the side of his boat once, dented the damn thing and almost shattered his hand. Hercules wrapped his hands to stop the bleeding and had a very long discussion about anger management with TenCents after.

Tencents also has partial paralysis in his right arm and hand after the munitions accident but it isn't horrible. Only when it flairs up under anxiety or anger.

Also struggles with anxiety and slight PTSD after the Munitions accident.

Big Mac

Also suffers from Anger issues but to a higher extreme than TenCents.

But Big Mac also has had more time to get control of the anger issues.

Tends to take his anger out by cussing in his native language

Oj

Struggles with anxiety, and slight PTSD from almost being scrapped a few times

Has gotten help for both of the conditions and has learned to help himself calm down when things get bad.

Likes to paint or bake to help himself calm down and always ends up giving someone something.

Tophat

Suffers from Bipolar disorder and probably has abandonment issues.

Bipolar Disorder runs on his dads side of the family which is the side he takes after.

He has abandonment issues because growing up he was always held up to his older brother Hercules achievements and accomplishments and eventually his parents basically stopped paying attention to him.

He doesn't really have a way to calm himself down except for storming away from the situation and moping.

Rarely he has a cigarette to calm down to Hercules' dismay.

Warrior

Suffers from ADD, potentially Autism and a minor case of short term memory loss (stml)

His ADD makes it hard for him to learn and grasp onto things, paired with a learning disability he always struggles with school and learning.

His STML more or less comes through in his inability to remember how to say things and things like forgetting names a lot and how to certain things.

He lives with his brother Big Mac so he doesn't get hurt and in turn Warrior actually watches over Big Mac.

Side note when you get Warrior on a topic he is  passionate about you'll see that cery sweet and charming side come out.

Hercules

Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD

His anxiety stems from his home life as a child. It runs on his moms side of the family and he takes after her. It got worse throughout his early preteen and all throughout his teenage years because he was held up to high standards and felt horrible about how often his parents forgot his little brother (Tophat)

His depression and PTSD stems from seeing his dad almost die and struggle with alcoholism for a while.

His depression and PTSD also stems from being in the navy.

This poor man has been shot a few times and has been caught by fire and fallen off boats into frigid waters. He's lost close friends and seen a lot.

It doesnt bother him all that often as he has gotten help and has learned from OJ but when it flares up the only people that seem to help are his brother and son.

Sunshine

Separation anxiety, and a lisp

Sunshine has gone through a lot and been separated from people he trusts multiple times so when he does warn up he gets attached and it too worried to go to far from his family or friends.

Sunny was born with a slight lisp, he has always had it and never was ashamed of it.

Hercules and Big mac are helping him with his anxieties and he's gotten much better.

Z-stacks

Zorran

Anger issues.

Has always struggled with anger issues and he was brought up in a house where he basically got whatever he wanted and his mom wouldn't discipline him but his dad did.

Hasnt done anything to get help or try and work on anger management and has no real interest in it.

Most likely has other underlying conditions.

Zebedee

Depression and potential OCD

Zebby had a very rough home life, his dad passed when he was young and his mom worked multiple jobs while raising him, his baby brother and baby sister.

His mom raised him to be responsible, respectful, hard working and most importantly loving.

His depression makes the last part a little difficult as he struggles to let his guard down.

His potential OCD shows when he gets upset when he tries to do things on his own or gets very upset when something isn't done exactly how he wants it.

It's not a very severe case which is why it's kind of hard to say if he has it or not but it's there.

Zak

Anger issues

That's it, he's struggled with anger issues since he was a teen.

After being bullied he got involved in a group of bad kids and tampered with drugs and became semi aggressive afterwards.

Zug

there's nothing he really struggles with. He's just kind of a sneaky shit head.

Zip

ADHD

ADHD runs in his family and it's very common in the men in the family so it was expected that he had it.

Zip and his little brother Zaxary were homeless growing up so by the time his ADHD really started to show through they didn't have the chance to diagnose him.

[residentofthedisc]

Very, Very Personal (and a Little Projecting) Headcanon

Ray Doyle from The Professionals is neurodivergent. 

Specifically, I’m gonna argue that the closest condition would probably be undiagnosed ADHD. 

(Also Bodie could be also ND because there’s an entire episode surrounding Bodie’s apparent PTSD which is never brought up again because of course) 

OK. Hear me out. 

- Depression.

Doyle exhibits depressive traits within the canon of the show. The Rack is probably the clearest example: he loses interest in his hobbies (i.e. not working out, his bikes, etc.), exhibits extreme guilt and self-deprecating (self-destructive) behaviours, and pulls away from support networks. In Discovered in a Graveyard, his tendencies to overthink and blame himself are well enough known by his coworkers that they question whether he’s going to fight for his own survival (and there’s an interesting little off-hand comment that Doyle ‘forgot’ to set his locks, so possibly more self-destructive behaviour) and worry about it. So, essentially, him being ND isn’t necessarily a huge stretch of logic? I mean, he could have bouts of depression and depression is a common comorbidity for people with ADHD. 

- Mood swings and extreme emotions. 

Doyle seems to fluctuate wildly between some fairly extreme moods. He’s described within the fandom itself as being mercurial. He flips a switch from utter joy to quick rage to broody self-reflection in minutes.  Now, this could indicate bipolar disorder or ADHD but as his moods have clearly defined triggers, I’d lean towards ADHD. 

- Intense emotions and moral codes. 

Doyle is described as being hot-headed and passionate and sensitive. He wears his heart on his sleeve and has a remarkably strict moral code for the job that he does. He has a real sense of right and wrong as well as an intensity of feelings to match. On it’s own, this doesn’t really mean he’s ND, but along with the other traits, it could be autism or - again - ADHD. 

- Impulsivity and reckless behaviour. 

Doyle is reckless. End of. OK, nope, let’s elaborate. 

Doyle is constantly putting himself in danger by running straight into situations without thinking. He forgets to call in if he’s found something, he speaks without thinking, and elements of his backstory could be indicative of this being a life-long trait. His ‘I cut up another kid when I was just a kid myself’ story and stories about causing trouble don’t mean that kids with ADHD are naturally violent, but that constant impulsivity and (due to other ADHD factors) difficulty in structured environments can land them in hot water. I can’t imagine a 1950s-ish school in Derby or probably Birmingham the unspecified city he grew up in would have the resources or understanding of his condition and that may have pushed him into crime and juvenile mishaps. He does point out that he joined the police to put him on the straight and narrow - perhaps showing that he needs external structure to be imposed on him to feel he’s functioning properly. 

- Hyperactivity/attention span. 

So, I’m not sure if Doyle could be considered hyperactive in the traditional sense. He is not jumping around all the time or constantly moving exactly, but I think there’s still an argument here. Whenever Doyle is waiting for something, he seems to be constantly fiddling with things; brain puzzles, reading, his own clothes, etc. All of these could be an ‘acceptable’ form of stimming he’s developed, but he does seem to have more energy than Bodie, but Bodie could just be messing him about. Similarly, the moments he’s focusing, he can be focusing intensely enough that Bodie has to repeat - possible hyperfocus? This section is probably the biggest reach. 

- Random traits because my own ADHD has completely bored me out of continuing nicely. 

* Sensory Processing Issues: very uncomfortable in suits and ties, has very specific styles and clothing materials he appears to like. Wears sunglasses a lot so possible photosensitivity (but also is likely just wanting to look cool). 

* Special interests: He seems to get quite obsessed with certain things, particularly cases and keeps picking at them even when they seem solved. (I think) Bodie occasionally mentions him ‘still going on’ about things, unrelated to the story. 

* Social difficulties: Doyle is not smooth, especially with romance. Honestly, he actually gets turned down by women more than I expected with characters like this. 

* Masking: Doyle is canonically good at undercover. Not unbelievable with being in the police, but what if he learnt this first masking his neurodiversity? 

* His long term memory is excellent. 

OK, so, long post and I am absolutely projecting because it would be really nice for my teenage hero to be both queer and neurodivergent like me, but I do think that it wouldn’t take a lot of twisting for Doyle to be diagnosed with ADHD. 

[spectrumed]

3. sadness

Don’t be like that. Be like this, or be that other thing. Be unique, but don’t be too unique. Fit in, but try to be a rebel. Be a renegade, but don’t rock the boat. Don’t know what you are supposed to be? What? Do you have imposter syndrome or something? Just be yourself, but, y’know, sand down the edges a little bit. Be friendlier. Be the kind of person everyone likes. Be the life of the party! Don’t be some shut-in, some crazy cat-lady with absolutely zero social life. Don’t be sad. Don’t burden others with your sadness. Work to maximise the total happiness of your community. A smile goes a long way. Can’t smile? You really can’t help but being a sourpuss all the time? Well, I guess maybe that if you can’t help but stay in a perpetual bad mood bringing everyone else down… then maybe you should just stay isolated? Better stay alone, away from others. You’re toxic. You’re just so damned sad. You really must be quarantined.

I am sad, a lot of the time. Are you? But, no, you can’t just admit that you are sad. Don’t be a buzzkill, try to inject a little humour into the things you say. You can admit you’re depressed, if you do so with a joke. Don’t let others know you’re being sincere. Ironic jokes work the best, don’t they? They let you confess your secret gloom to everyone around, but they’ll never know just how serious you’re being. With a wink of the eye, any candid expression of your inner turmoil can become a hilarious post-modern gag. Are they or are they not telling the truth? Oh, I’ll never tell! And it will all work out excellent, up until the day you commit suicide. But every comedian’s time in the limelight has to end at some point, right?

This blog is supposed to be about autism spectrum disorder, why am I suddenly discussing depression? Well, I suppose that it is time we bring to the table this little thing called comorbidity. Psychology is messy. Some would argue that it is barely even a real scientific field (I tend to think that it is the best thing we have, but I acknowledge that in places, psychology is fundamentally flawed.) You may have thought that you’d get just one diagnosis. One simple label that you can work through and overcome. You’re bipolar, now go deal with it! But instead, you find yourself with a whole fistful of diagnoses. What to hear my proud list of diagnoses? Oh, please, don’t think because I am listing them this one certain way, I put them in order of relevancy to me. I love all of my diagnoses equally.

My diagnoses are:

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD)

Agoraphobia

Possible Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Asperger syndrome (AS)

No, I was never officially diagnosed with depression, but largely because, at the time I received these diagnoses, my depression was so blatant that it felt as if I was walking around with a cloud of miasma surrounding at all times. Imagine me as Pig-Pen from Peanuts, but instead of being covered in dirt, I was covered in the funk of melancholy. And whatever treatment I would eventually go on to receive (and still am receiving to this day,) would go about treating my anxiety first, and hopefully, the depression would give in alongside the anxiety. It has, for the most part, though, I still feel the presence of that black dog from time to time. I also got only a half-hearted potential diagnosis of OCD, but later, during a trial of an antidepressant that had a freakishly negative impact on my psyche, it blossomed into a fully-grown attention-craving condition. Turns out that OCD can be a real hog for the spotlight, really not allowing any of the other diagnoses to take their turn on stage. Thankfully, when I got off that particular antidepressant, those symptoms stopped, but it has led me to be far more aware of my internal obsessive-compulsive thought patterns. For me, OCD largely lacks physical compulsions, but my mind is ablaze with intrusive thoughts, and I will routinely force myself to repeat certain phrases in my head to make them go away. The funny thing is, I never realised that wasn’t normal.

Diagnoses are an attempt to map out a spiders’ web of problems. Things come hand in hand. While I’m no psychologist, I can speak from the perspective of someone who has been through the psychiatric process, which I suppose, lends me a certain kind of expertise, doesn’t it? Maybe it really doesn’t. Maybe I’m just throwing words out there, thinking that I could serve a good purpose, but instead all I am doing is contributing to this great onslaught of digital disinformation we’re all suffering under. But I’m probably just too doubtful of myself. I am speaking about myself, after all. I’ve got first-hand experience in being myself. I know exactly what it feels like to own this skin, these bones, this heart, and this mushy brain of mine. I’m not claiming to know everything. I’m just claiming to know about this one sad individual writing this hoping it might allow someone to reblog my posts with the hashtag “relatable” one day.

Anxiety runs in my family. The neurosis demon gets passed down from generation to generation, only occasionally skipping a beat. My mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, though, she has for the most part of her life not had it to quite the excessive degree that I have it. I really took that genetic predisposition for anxiety and ran with it. And while I’m the only person in my family to have gotten diagnosed as being “on the spectrum,” there are a few members that I kinda sort of in a way actually quite seriously suspect might also be here somewhere on the spectrum. Still, as always goes with diagnosing, there’s no point in doing it unless the person is in need of some kind of treatment. I wholeheartedly believe that most people on the planet belong to one spectrum, be it an autism spectrum, a bipolar spectrum, a narcissism spectrum, even a schizophrenic spectrum, but diagnoses should be exclusively reserved for those who need psychiatric care. The world is a spectrum, and it’s worth noting that the terms “sane” and “insane” do not alone capture the complexity of the human psyche. A person can appear perfectly sensible, yet at some point in their life, they may have been a real silly little bugger who thought that their pet hamster was the reincarnation of the Buddha. Just as with physical health, one can struggle with one's mental health for one period in their life, only to later on in life feel utterly and entirely mentally healthy. Or, well, sadly in a lot of cases, people who were perfectly mentally healthy may suddenly become diagnosed with dementia. But that’s really sad, so let’s not talk about that.

Is it all genetic? Well, no. Or well, maybe? In regards to autism, I am pretty sure that, yes, it is genetic. While, yes, I do admit that I’m just a dummy on the internet, so what do I really know? And the brain is such a complex bit of mushy meat, so I could always be proven wrong. Though, I tend towards thinking that there most likely is principally a genetic factor to conditions like autism, or attention deficit disorder (and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,) or things like bipolar disorder. But with anxiety, quite frankly, I can’t say how much of it is nurture and how much of it is nature. I mentioned that my mother and I share many of the same neurotic quirks, so that would imply that there is something in one's genes that can make some more prone to anxiety than others, but my mother does not struggle with agoraphobia, nor does she seem to have any obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In fact, in my family, even those that exhibit some element of heightened anxiety, they don’t seem to show any milder symptoms of this kind. I can’t help but feel as if these conditions I gained through that tortuous period of every boy’s and girl’s (and boy-girl’s) life is called puberty. I hate to conform to stereotypes but I did indeed hate being a teenager. Believe it or not, I wasn’t a jock, and no, I didn’t go to parties. I mostly spent my time crying.

The question that no doubt plagues every movie psychiatrist to no end is what kind of trauma must a person undergo to make them go mad? Abusive parents? Abusive uncles? Abusive teachers? Abusive dogs? Honestly, to be an adult raising a child must be rough, considering how any mistake you make might suddenly turn your little babe into a future serial killer. Now, there’s no doubt that there are some seriously terrible parents out there, and that a lot of people have mental woes that definitely came about due to their parents and their abysmal lack of parental care. But generally, how much can you actually blame on your parents? We know the cliché, let’s go sit down on the sofa and complain to our Freudian hack-shrink all about those times as a kid our dad missed the big game, or that time our mother embarrassed us in front of all of our friends. I have plenty of things to complain about my parents, like I believe we all have. Our parents are flawed, messy human beings, of course they occasionally made mistakes throughout our upbringings. But is that nearly enough to turn a person mentally ill? Putting up with an at times really embarrassing mom? No, I don’t think so. And of course, there are some real awful parents out there, I’m not doubting that. Trust me, I’m a fan of true crime, so I’ve heard some real grizzly stories of what some kids are forced to grow up with. But I am thinking that those instances are more rare than they are common. Most people with mental illnesses can most likely not blame their parents.

How ‘bout bullies? Yes, them bullies. Them awful mean bullies that made all of our lives so painful. It’s funny, it seems like every school had their own fair share of bullies, and yet no-one as an adult ever comes forward to admit that they themselves were the bullies. It’s almost like as if no-one ever thinks of themselves as being a bully, even when they are throwing rocks at that weird chubby kid with blonde hair who happens to be named Fredrik and who just wants to be left alone. Was I bullied? Well… yes. But I can’t say I got the brunt of it. I got bullied, but overall I’d say I only ever had it slightly worse than most people. I was still quite tall, typically taller than my classmates growing up, and for the most part I could roll with the punches. If you really want to talk about a kid I knew growing up that got bullied, let me tell you about this kid who knew all the right dances for all the right Britney Spears songs. He was gay, I think. Not quite old enough to have come out, I suspect, but, well... He liked all the female pop stars, but not in that way of wanting to kiss them and fondle their boobies, but in the “I want to sound just like them when I grow up” sort of way. I don’t know what happened to him (or them, or her, depending on how they identify now,) but that was real bullying. Like most folks, I found myself stuck in that limbo of seeing others get bullied far worse than me and being too cowardly to intervene, in fears that I’d end up taking their place. Yes, isn’t school just a marvellous place? It’s a wonder any of us turn out okay.

No, I think that, fundamentally, the problems I have arose with myself. This, blaming myself, is not something that I am unused to doing. I have a long history of blaming myself, that’s really the problem. As a teenager I knew that I was different, and I was frightened and scared of being exposed. I didn’t even really know what it was that was different about me, I just knew that I didn’t fit in. I felt as if I didn’t deserve to fit in. The older I got, the more intense these feelings got. And I started taking it out on myself. I started hating myself. And I really mean furiously hating myself. It wasn’t some casual self-loathing, it was searing self-hatred. I did not physically hurt myself, but I did engage with self-harm. I kept repeating the mantras of “I hate myself,” and “I am pathetic,” over and over again, with the ultimate goal of making myself cry. For a period, I couldn’t go to bed without making myself cry first. I began taking days off from school, pretending to be sick. Well, I suppose I was ill, but not physically. I began failing most of my classes, I only ended up doing well in art. I stayed away from school for whole weeks at the time. Once, when I shame-facedly returned to school some of the meaner boys came up to me and said that they were surprised to learn that I was still alive. They were surprised, but also a little disappointed.

This was a time in my life when I really needed psychiatric care. This became increasingly obvious to my parents, and my teachers. I was clearly suffering from depression. Not just some teenaged angst, but full-blown, wholly insidious, depression. But, well, I didn’t get the care that I needed. Oh, I did go to see a psychologist a couple of times, but she saw no reason for me to continue seeing her. I don’t know why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help, frankly, I can’t fathom why she felt as if I wasn’t in need of help. I suppose I avoided telling her the truth of what went on inside of my head, but I feel like as if any good psychologist would have been able to tell that the kid sitting across from them was clearly suffering from something a tad more intense than just some common concerns about puberty. At most I was able to confess was that I was feeling ashamed over myself for getting so fat, but it should have been clear to anybody that I was only using that as a hook to hang my self-hatred on. There very clearly was some underlying condition that I had that should have gotten addressed. But it went ignored.

At most I can think to explain this is the fact that I wasn’t “problematic.” Not in the way some kids are, when they’re struggling with their mental health. I did not act out, I did not take drugs, and I was certainly not violent. Even to this day, though I have at many times suffered from suicidal ideation, I am a real low-risk for actual suicide considering my intense fear of dying (yes, that’s an odd combo to have.) So, I’ve come to realise that the only way I am getting treatment is if I actually seek out treatment. And back then, I was just as placid as I had previously always been. I was quiet and introverted, just desperate to get back home so I could go and hide in my room. Many teenagers are like that. And it is easy to ignore them, because they want to be ignored. They just don’t want to exist. When you are desperate to be left alone, eventually people will leave you alone. I would go on to receive psychiatric care later on my life, but only after several years passed. I did have a better time living in my later teenage years, but like with a bone that heals wrong, I needed someone to come in and sort me out. I was sad as a teenager, but I would become really sad as a twenty-something. Hopefully my thirties will be jolly.

[writingwithadinosaur]

“Under the Knife” - Part 7

“Under the Knife” - Part 7

Main Masterlist - Here

Story Masterlist - Here

My Tag List - Here

Hannibal Lecter x Reader, Will Graham x Sister!Reader

Word Count: 2,100-ish

Key: Chunks of text in italics are (Y/N)’s thoughts. Y/N = Your Name, H/C = Your Hair Color, E/C = Your Eye Color

Warnings: Cursing, Violence

Summary: You are Will Graham’s sister who works with him at the FBI. When you get offered a job promotion, life starts to change. Some changes for the better; Some for the worst.

Author’s Note: This is my first Hannibal piece and I am proud of it. There aren’t too many stories for Hannibal, so I figured I would add to the collection.

This does take place in some happy medium where they are all alive and work together. Sort of a happier season 1 era.

This is beta-read by @theeactress​, but please let me know if there is something that we missed or that we should look at again! 

If you would like to be tagged in any of my future pieces, check out my tag list above and let me know! And as always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

<3

- DreaSaurusREX

Tag List

:

@fruitloopzzz

@theeactress

@melconnor2007

@ashenfallsof

@geeksareunique

@all-by-myself98

@sj-thefan

​

@fuck-your-bad-vibes-dude

​

@ntlmundy

​

@a-person-unlabled

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jack was in the middle of a phone call when you opened his office door unannounced. He gave you an annoyed look until he saw something in your eyes that said that this was important. When he looked to Hannibal, who was behind you, he nodded slightly, letting Jack know that this was for sure something urgent. 

“I’m going to have to call you back.” He calmly said before putting the handset back onto the office phone base. “What did yo-”

“I think I finally got into this guy’s brain!” Jack gives you an expectant look.

“Well?! Go on then!” You take a quick breath in as you speak, making your way to one of the chairs in front of Jack’s desk. Hannibal stood off to your right slightly.

“Okay. So, we’ve been looking for a doctor this entire time, right?”

“Yes, we have.” There was obvious hesitation in his voice, worried that you would just widen the suspect list instead of narrowing it down. You continued.

“Right. But what if our killer was actually a patient of these doctors?” 

You watched Jack quickly think it over, preparing for exactly what you thought he’d point out. You pulled out a couple of print-outs from within your notebook and waited for Jack to speak. Hannibal peeked over your shoulder at the paper and read a little bit of the top page while Jack spoke.

“It would tie the doctors together, but it wouldn’t explain the method of killing.”

“It does if this patient was a former doctor himself. A plastic surgeon to be more specific.” You hand Jack the papers, letting out a breath that you hadn’t realized you were holding. 

The papers were from the initial suspect list you had gotten. You now had one person’s name and photo circled: Henry Urik. The second page was the basic information you had gotten on him early into the investigation. 

“Name: Henry Urik Age: 29 Height: 5’11” Weight (Approx.): 205lbs Hair Color: Reddish Brown Ethnicity: White Male Employment: Plastic Surgeon - Inactive”

As Jack read over the papers, you felt yourself slipping into your mental pictures. You found that missing puzzle piece that brought everything together. You could now see it all, feel what he was feeling, and truly attempt to get into his mind. Jack looked up and saw you seemingly phase-out, but he had seen something similar when your brother, Will, would be at crime scenes. He and Hannibal stayed quiet and let you do your thing.

 “Dr. Henry Urik started up his own practice relatively recently, but it failed. Probably due to some sexual allegations or misconduct or something. He popped up on the first few rounds of searches that I did, but then I saw that he wasn’t associated with any active practices or facilities, so I took him off the list. 

He lost his job, which means he is anxious and stressed, which then potentially and likely leads to a range of psychosomatic ailments; soreness, fatigue, insomnia, and most importantly, headaches. After long enough, frequent or maybe even constant headaches would drive anyone mad. Which is why Henry decides to finally go to his primary care physician: Dr. Everet. I’m sure if we get a warrant and pull a list of all of the patients that have seen our victims over the last 2 - 4 months, we will find Henry’s name on each of them.”

“That’s not a long time to plan out 4, or potentially more, murders.” Jack points out, seeing you come back to reality. 

“I don’t think these killings were really thought about or planned to every detail. He didn’t want to just kill them out of anger; that was for whoever else was in the house. He was angry and upset, but we can see that he took his time with the doctors. Maybe focusing on them and using his old medical instruments was a form of relief for him?”

“What kind of relief are we talking about here, Graham?”

“By shifting his focus from himself and his ailments, he’s distracting himself from his anxieties and stressors. Thus seeming to make his headaches dwindle.” 

“In other words, pain relief?” You and Hannibal nod in agreement. Jack continues. “Okay, but what makes him so upset that he goes out and murders four doctors and their wives?”

“We’d have to double-check with the notes in his files from each doctor, but I can bet that he wasn’t happy with whatever test results or diagnoses they were giving him.” Before Jack could say anything, Hannibal finally spoke.

“I believe I can confirm that theory.” Both you and Jack turned to Hannibal with confused looks over your faces.

“Is there something you’d like to share with the class, Dr. Lecter?” Crawford had a hint of annoyance in his tone but kept it mostly neutral. You, on the other hand, were trying to look into his mask and see if he was being serious. As far as you could tell, he was.

“Dr. Urik was a patient of mine. I say ‘was’ because I only ever had two sessions with the man. He was referred to me by Dr. Everet. He showed signs of incredible anxiety over the idea of not being able to be in his profession after a patient accused him of sexual harassment during one of their appointments. He also showed signs that could be tied to bipolar disorder or something more severe. Unfortunately, I couldn’t form a full diagnosis after only those two sessions. I haven’t heard from him in roughly 4 months.”

“Which all lines up with (Y/N)’s profile.” Hannibal nodded.

“I tried to explain the possibility of his headaches being a manifestation of his anxiety, but he did not like that answer. Saying that it must be something tangible; something he could fix with medicine or a procedure.”

“Well, that explains why you are potentially his next target.” You spoke your thoughts out loud, which came out slightly snarky. 

Hannibal turned his attention to you. You were slightly staring off. To anyone else, it would look like you were zoning out, but Hannibal knew that it was a sign of your mind working hard.  

Somehow hearing that Hannibal had a possible solid connection to the killer, a wave of fear hit your heart. You cared about Hannibal, and you knew he cared about you. You weren’t sure he could tell, but one could say you had grown to love this man. And it only took being threatened by a serial killer to let that thought process in your mind.

“So it seems.” 

“Aren’t you glad you joined the case now, Dr. Lecter?” You poked fun at Hannibal, the sharpness in your voice only evident to him. You thought you hid your true feelings well enough, but Hannibal could see right through your facade. He knew you were scared. Not only for his well being but your own as well; using humor as a way to make the situation seem a little less harsh.

Before Hannibal could respond, Jack posed a question.

 “It doesn’t explain you, (Y/N). Why does this guy want to get to you?” You all pause for a beat. You try to get into Henry’s mindset and see any possible reason as to why you would also be targeted.

“I don’t think there is a reason. Maybe he read the TattleCrime article, saw that I was with Dr. Lecter, and then associated me with him. Or maybe he is following us and knows that I have a role in his case. Whether that means I am actually important to Urik or not, I can’t say for certain. He could just see me similarly to the wives of the other doctors. We won’t know for sure until we can ask him.”

As Crawford makes some decisions in his head, you can’t help but start to twist your ring. The idea of yours and Hannibal’s lives being in danger was a terrifying thought. You didn’t know what you would do if something happened to him and he wasn’t a part of your life anymore. Yes, there was still a ghost of confusion and uncertainty with him at the moment, but that was pushed to the backseat after today’s findings.

You looked away from Jack for a quick second to see if Hannibal showed any signs that he was scared. Much to your surprise, he was not only already looking at you, but through his stoic face, his eyes showed something. You looked away as you heard Jack lean forward in his chair, but you couldn’t figure out what that emotion in Hannibal’s eyes was.

After what seemed like forever, Crawford explained his plan of action.

“Alright, I’m going to get started on getting those files and getting a team out in the field looking for this guy. You two are going to have an armed agent following you until we get Henry in custody. They will be hidden, but know that you two will be protected.” You let out a small sigh of relief. “After you compile all of your notes and initial thoughts on Urik, have them sent to me. Then you two are dismissed for the night. Go get a drink or two. We are going to finally catch this son of a bitch.” 

You nod and start to stand up to head to the door. Before you could step away from his desk, Jack got your attention.

“Graham.” 

“Yes, sir?”

“Good work.” You couldn’t hide the proud smile that you tried to smother off your face as you said a quick “Thank you, sir” and made your way out of his office, Hannibal behind you.

Hannibal escorts you back to your office. Once you get inside, you and Hannibal spend a solid 20 minutes working out every detail that you could about Henry Urik. You quickly type it all out and send it through to Crawford’s email.

“Alright. Everything is sent and I am ready for a glass of wine and then passing out for the night for some much-needed sleep.” You started to get your bag together as Hannibal sat in one of the office chairs and watched you, trying to get you to be comfortable with him again. 

“A well-deserved rest, my dear. You did incredible work today.” You quickly looked up to see him staring at you, a rare smile crossing his face as you two briefly made eye contact. You tried to hide the small blush that you felt creeping its way onto your face. 

Hannibal didn’t smile often, and when he did around you, it always made your heart flutter. Getting to see that rare treat and have him compliment you on your work was an unexpected but appreciated way to end the day.

You let out a small “thank you” as you gathered the last of your things. Hannibal stood up and grabbed your coat from the back of your chair. He offered it out for you to slide into, but you didn’t want to wear it, so you took it from him and draped it over your arm. Another small thank you and you two were out the door, headed to your car. After being called out by your killer, Hannibal felt a bigger need to make sure you got to your car safely, even if you were going to have a guard watching you from afar.

He opened the car door, but before you could sit down, he finally asked what had been circling in his mind for the last 30 minutes. 

“Would you like to have dinner with me tomorrow? I understand that you have your reservations about talking to me recently, but now that you have done a marvelous job at putting a name to the Virginia Scalpel, I wonder if now would be a good time to try to talk personally. Perhaps even get back to how things were before this case.”

You stood there, the car door being a physical barrier between you and Hannibal. You instinctually fiddled with your ring, mulling over his offer. You can’t help but feel your heart hurt at the lack of time you’ve had with Hannibal. Letting yourself have time to just focus and work on the case over the last week was beneficial. You could now think about more personal things clearly and see that you weren’t as upset with Hannibal as you had been.

You look back up at him and see him observing you, trying to figure out what was going on in that wonderful mind of yours. A small smile grew on your face as you finally spoke.

“What’s for dinner, Hannibal?”

[zo2paintedlady]

LGBTQ+ Novels/Memoirs

Here is the book list from my LIS 618 class. The links will bring you to their Goodreads pages.

The 57 Bus by Dashka Slater (2017) *based on a true story* "One teenager in a skirt. One teenager with a lighter. One moment that changes both of their lives forever. If it weren't for the 57 bus, Sasha and Richard never would have met. Both were high school students from Oakland, California, one of the most diverse cities in the country, but they inhabited different worlds. Sasha, a white teen, lived in the middle-class foothills and attended a small private school. Richard, a black teen, lived in the crime-plagued flatlands and attended a large public one. Each day, their paths overlapped for a mere eight minutes. But one afternoon on the bus ride home from school, a single reckless act left Sasha severely burned, and Richard charged with two hate crimes and facing life imprisonment. The case garnered international attention, thrusting both teenagers into the spotlight."

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Saenz (2012) "Aristotle is an angry teen with a brother in prison. Dante is a know-it-all who has an unusual way of looking at the world. When the two meet at the swimming pool, they seem to have nothing in common. But as the loners start spending time together, they discover that they share a special friendship--the kind that changes lives and lasts a lifetime. And it is through this friendship that Ari and Dante will learn the most important truths about themselves and the kind of people they want to be."

The Art of Being Normal by Lisa Williamson (2016) "Two boys. Two secrets. David Piper has always been an outsider. His parents think he’s gay. The school bully thinks he’s a freak. Only his two best friends know the real truth – David wants to be a girl. On the first day at his new school Leo Denton has one goal – to be invisible. Attracting the attention of the most beautiful girl in year eleven is definitely not part of that plan. When Leo stands up for David in a fight, an unlikely friendship forms. But things are about to get messy. Because at Eden Park School secrets have a funny habit of not staying secret for long…"

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender (2020) "Felix Love has never been in love—and, yes, he’s painfully aware of the irony. He desperately wants to know what it’s like and why it seems so easy for everyone but him to find someone. What’s worse is that, even though he is proud of his identity, Felix also secretly fears that he’s one marginalization too many—Black, queer, and transgender—to ever get his own happily-ever-after. When an anonymous student begins sending him transphobic messages—after publicly posting Felix’s deadname alongside images of him before he transitioned—Felix comes up with a plan for revenge. What he didn’t count on: his catfish scenario landing him in a quasi–love triangle...."

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe (2019) "In 2014, Maia Kobabe, who uses e/em/eir pronouns, thought that a comic of reading statistics would be the last autobiographical comic e would ever write. At the time, it was the only thing e felt comfortable with strangers knowing about em. Now, Gender Queer is here. Maia's intensely cathartic autobiography charts eir journey of self-identity, which includes the mortification and confusion of adolescent crushes, grappling with how to come out to family and society, bonding with friends over erotic gay fanfiction, and facing the trauma of pap smears. Started as a way to explain to eir family what it means to be nonbinary and asexual, Gender Queer is more than a personal story: it is a useful and touching guide on gender identity--what it means and how to think about it--for advocates, friends, and humans everywhere."

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver (2019) "When Ben De Backer comes out to their parents as nonbinary, they're thrown out of their house and forced to move in with their estranged older sister, Hannah, and her husband, Thomas, whom Ben has never even met. Struggling with an anxiety disorder compounded by their parents' rejection, they come out only to Hannah, Thomas, and their therapist and try to keep a low profile in a new school. But Ben's attempts to survive the last half of senior year unnoticed are thwarted when Nathan Allan, a funny and charismatic student, decides to take Ben under his wing. As Ben and Nathan's friendship grows, their feelings for each other begin to change, and what started as a disastrous turn of events looks like it might just be a chance to start a happier new life."

Little & Lion by Brandy Colbert (2017) "When Suzette comes home to Los Angeles from her boarding school in New England, she isn't sure if she'll ever want to go back. L.A. is where her friends and family are (along with her crush, Emil). And her stepbrother, Lionel, who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, needs her emotional support. But as she settles into her old life, Suzette finds herself falling for someone new...the same girl her brother is in love with. When Lionel's disorder spirals out of control, Suzette is forced to confront her past mistakes and find a way to help her brother before he hurts himself--or worse."

The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg (2019) "IMax: Chill. Sports. Video games. Gay and not a big deal, not to him, not to his mom, not to his buddies. And a secret: An encounter with an older kid that makes it hard to breathe, one that he doesn't want to think about, ever. Jordan: The opposite of chill. Poetry. His "wives" and the Chandler Mall. Never been kissed and searching for Mr. Right, who probably won't like him anyway. And a secret: A spiraling out of control mother, and the knowledge that he's the only one who can keep the family from falling apart. Throw in a rickety, 1980s-era food truck called Coq Au Vinny. Add in prickly pears, cloud eggs, and a murky idea of what's considered locally sourced and organic. Place it all in Mesa, Arizona, in June, where the temp regularly hits 114. And top it off with a touch of undeniable chemistry between utter opposites."

Odd One Out by Nic Stone (2018) "Courtney "Coop" Cooper Dumped. Again. And normally I wouldn't mind. But right now, my best friend and source of solace, Jupiter Sanchez, is ignoring me to text some girl.  Rae Evelyn Chin I assumed "new girl" would be synonymous with "pariah," but Jupiter and Courtney make me feel like I'm right where I belong. I also want to kiss him. And her. Which is . . . perplexing.  Jupiter Charity-Sanchez The only thing worse than losing the girl you love to a boy is losing her to your boy. That means losing him, too. I have to make a move. . . . One story. Three sides. No easy answers."

Ramona Blue by Julie Murphy (2017) "'Ramona was only five years old when Hurricane Katrina changed her life forever. Since then, it’s been Ramona and her family against the world. Standing over six feet tall with unmistakable blue hair, Ramona is sure of three things: she likes girls, she’s fiercely devoted to her family, and she knows she’s destined for something bigger than the trailer she calls home in Eulogy, Mississippi. But juggling multiple jobs, her flaky mom, and her well-meaning but ineffectual dad forces her to be the adult of the family. Now, with her sister, Hattie, pregnant, responsibility weighs more heavily than ever."

Rethinking Normal by Katie Rain Hill (2014) "Have you ever worried that you'd never be able to live up to your parents' expectations? Have you ever imagined that life would be better if you were just invisible? Have you ever thought you would do anything--anything--to make the teasing stop? Katie Hill had and it nearly tore her apart. Katie never felt comfortable in her own skin. She realized very young that a serious mistake had been made; she was a girl who had been born in the body of a boy. Suffocating under her peers' bullying and the mounting pressure to be "normal," Katie tried to take her life at the age of eight years old. After several other failed attempts, she finally understood that "Katie"--the girl trapped within her--was determined to live."

They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera (2017) "On September 5, a little after midnight, Death-Cast calls Mateo Torrez and Rufus Emeterio to give them some bad news: They’re going to die today. Mateo and Rufus are total strangers, but, for different reasons, they’re both looking to make a new friend on their End Day. The good news: There’s an app for that. It’s called the Last Friend, and through it, Rufus and Mateo are about to meet up for one last great adventure—to live a lifetime in a single day."

Two Boys Kissing by David Levithan (2013) "New York Times bestselling author David Levithan tells the based-on-true-events story of Harry and Craig, two 17-year-olds who are about to take part in a 32-hour marathon of kissing to set a new Guinness World Record—all of which is narrated by a Greek Chorus of the generation of gay men lost to AIDS. While the two increasingly dehydrated and sleep-deprived boys are locking lips, they become a focal point in the lives of other teen boys dealing with languishing long-term relationships, coming out, navigating gender identity, and falling deeper into the digital rabbit hole of gay hookup sites—all while the kissing former couple tries to figure out their own feelings for each other."

We are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson (2016) "Henry Denton has spent years being periodically abducted by aliens. Then the aliens give him an ultimatum: The world will end in 144 days, and all Henry has to do to stop it is push a big red button. Only he isn’t sure he wants to. After all, life hasn’t been great for Henry. His mom is a struggling waitress held together by a thin layer of cigarette smoke. His brother is a jobless dropout who just knocked someone up. His grandmother is slowly losing herself to Alzheimer’s. And Henry is still dealing with the grief of his boyfriend’s suicide last year. Wiping the slate clean sounds like a pretty good choice to him. But Henry is a scientist first, and facing the question thoroughly and logically, he begins to look for pros and cons: in the bully who is his perpetual one-night stand, in the best friend who betrayed him, in the brilliant and mysterious boy who walked into the wrong class. Weighing the pain and the joy that surrounds him, Henry is left with the ultimate choice: push the button and save the planet and everyone on it…or let the world—and his pain—be destroyed forever."

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson (2020) "Liz Lighty has always believed she's too black, too poor, too awkward to shine in her small, rich, prom-obsessed midwestern town. But it's okay -- Liz has a plan that will get her out of Campbell, Indiana, forever: attend the uber-elite Pennington College, play in their world-famous orchestra, and become a doctor. But when the financial aid she was counting on unexpectedly falls through, Liz's plans come crashing down . . . until she's reminded of her school's scholarship for prom king and queen. There's nothing Liz wants to do less than endure a gauntlet of social media trolls, catty competitors, and humiliating public events, but despite her devastating fear of the spotlight she's willing to do whatever it takes to get to Pennington. The only thing that makes it halfway bearable is the new girl in school, Mack. She's smart, funny, and just as much of an outsider as Liz. But Mack is also in the running for queen. Will falling for the competition keep Liz from her dreams . . . or make them come true?"