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gasgiant · 4 years

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this is embarrassing so im on anon but as someone who is also currently obsessed with tf2 despite never playing it. what are your opinions on those guys. i am very interested

NICE this is content i love to see!! Sorry if you dont see this post it’s probably been sitting in my inbox for a week, but i’ll tag it, so who knows?

This will mostly be about character in the comics, but I’ll throw in who i like to play as well

Scout: he gives off annoying little sibling energy. very entertaining and funny, he talks non-stop in the comics. his daddy issues go deep and it’s probably good that he doesn’t know HOW deep. Before most matches start i pick scout and run around the map, hitting as many people with the fish as I can. 6/10 cool boy

Pyro: baby. I do wish they had more of a personality besides “obsessed with fire and doesn’t live in reality”, but pyrovision is a very fun concept and makes this guy both loveable and TERRIFYING. Pyro is my second most played, because who doesn’t love not aiming and causing extreme carnage? 7/10 chaotic being

Soldier: OK HONESTLY? MY FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM THE COMICS. this poor, lead poisoned, brain dead, psychopath. only blood lust and patriotism consume the mind of this man, but there really isnt much space up there anyway. his stupidity and knack for pissing off literally anyone is fantastic. also, he ends up dating heavy’s sister zhanna and they have a FANTASTIC dynamic (ok, she actually might be my favorite but soldier is close). I don’t play him that much, but rocket jumping is hella fun. 10/10 GOOD HUSTLE, SOLDIER!

Demoman: Underappiciated and under utilized in fan content! I think he has one of the best origin stories. He’s realatively sane for TF2 mercs, and would probably be all the way there if it wasnt for his nasty drinking habit. There’s also a comic where a soldier and demoman on opposite teams become friends and that is such a good one. Valve definitely could have done better on having more characters who aren’t white, but im glad we at least got Tavish! I suck at demoman but i’m trying to play him more to get better. Kinda surprising since junkrat was my 2nd most played in overwatch. 8/10 "Oh, they're goin' ta have to glue you back together...IN HELL!"

Heavy: Due to his appearance in the telltale poker night game, this guy probably has the most complete characterization. Somewhere between a gentle giant and crazy russian, he’s a family man with a doctorate in russian literature and a strong attachment to Sascha, his favorite gun. He doesn’t say much, but he usually says the right thing. God bless him for putting up with the rest of the team, because if he didn’t, they’d all be goners. Heavy playstyle just isnt fun for me so i rarely pick him. 8/10 Legendary Comrade

Engineer: I feel like we hear the least about this dude’s personality in the comics. He’s a genius engineer in a family of genius engineers. His grandfather created a life extending machine (thats kinda important to the comics) that he later upgraded. Dude literally has 12 Phds. I enjoy his general laid-back texan demeanor. I feel like he’d be really fun at parties for some reason. I’ve been playing engineer way more recently and a lot of his voice lines are sarcastic and a bit goofy. 7/10 texas sized yee haw.

Sniper: someone give this man a fucking break. please. my god. the most mentally there of the team, doesn’t seem absorbed with killing, but does enjoy the challange and competition of sniping. has a bit of an identity crisis (in the form of his superman-esque origin story) which is quickly resolved. probably would be the most pleasant of these guys to meet in real life. i only play sniper on the 2 Fort map and I have never gotten a headshot. ever. 6/10 great shot, mate.

Medic: MY MAN LUDWIG! My favorite character before reading the comics. I’d say he’s a fucked up doctor, but thats only the half of it. He isnt even a doctor anymore (its hard to keep a medical license after removing someone’s entire skeleton). For a dude who stole all of his friend’s souls and literally outsmarted devil... he’s not THAT bad. I mean, sure he abandoned his team to fight against them just so he could commit more atrocities against nature. Sure, he only has an evil smile and demented laugh. But uh... he is... nice to his doves? Yeah ok nevermind I cant really defend this guy. Being a little evil is... kinda sexy though (look up medic cosmetic “The Burly Beast”). In game, my medigun is named “Press E To Send Me To Therapy”. E is the call for medic button. I am a medic main and I am so, so tired. 10/10 “ZHAT was doctor assisted homocide!”

Spy: french asshole. seems pretencious and unattached but he really isnt. actions speak louder than words spy, and even if you had to tell scout you were his father disguised as tom jones, at least you did it. if i play spy i get overly excited at backstabbing someone because i suck at it. 6/10 oui oui effle tower baguette i love making fun of the french

not sure if this is what you wanted anon but i had fun typing these! if you ever get steam, here’s a link to my profile https://s.team/p/kpv-bvtv/JPDMQRWV tf2 is basically the only game I play on steam so I’ll probably be doing that 😎

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 scout #tf2 pyro #tf2 soldier #tf2 heavy #tf2 demoman #tf2 engineer #tf2 spy #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #engie #tf2 engie #hot air #personal #also i want someone to send me this ask but about red vs. blue

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lootbear · 5 years

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The History Of The Skins Industry

Not so long, the skin industry was blooming and games such as CS:GO and Dota 2 gained more and more popularity because people wanted to gamble or trade-up their skins for fun or simply for having something unique. Below you can find more information about what happened to the skin industry and how is it looking today.

History of Skins

The entire skin industry was propelled by CS:GO and “The Arms Deal Update” back in late 2013.This marked an era and sites were starting to appear on a daily basis. The thing is, everyone worked around Steam API and this simply was not a long term solution for any of these sites.

Alongside trading and gambling sites, we have also seen people trying to create unique inventories for themselves. I remember that there was one guy that wanted the entire “blue”inventory for himself. He pushed things even further as he grabbed an AK-47 Case Hardened(blue gem) for several thousand dollars. On top of that, he also bought himself a Karambit Case Hardened(blue gem) for over 30,000$.

Third party companies that worked with skin gambling were making insane amount of money and on top of that, it was also against the CS:GO Terms of service so Valve simply had to do something about this. Continue reading and find out what happened to the CS:GO skin gambling and trading industry.

As you can see from the numbers above, this is the type of money managers do not make, and Valve simply had to do something about this. Continue reading and find out what happened to the CS:GO skin gambling and trading industry.

The First Skin Business - Trading & Gambling

In this section of the article, we will talk about two essential parts of skin industry, trading and gambling. Below, you will be able to find two sites that started the avalanche called the skin industry. You will also be able to learn what happened to these sites.

Let’s start things off with the trading industry. There are actually two sites that we can talk about.Even though one of them was mostly used for gambling, you could still trade skins via Steam trade offers without any fees or charges.

CSGOLounge

Back in 2014, this site was bread and butter for everyone who wanted to either gamble or trade-up their existing skins. We all used CSGOLounge and the entire scene loved it. Even though they were offering very poor betting odds/percentages, we simply had to take it as we did not have an alternative.

There were no special bets for matches offered and coverage was quite insane. You could even find tier 3 tournaments, but the odds/percentages shuffled there like insane because not a lot of money was coming into these bets hence why you were able to turn things upside down with a $50 bet.

Alongside CSGO betting, you could also trade your skins. Even though this marketplace was not used that much, I still believe that it set the pillars for other sites such as OPSkins and BitSkins.

As mentioned above, CSGOLounge’s marketplace was available for everyone and it was free of charge. However, it was filled with scammers and this is the main reason why a lot of people avoided using this platform as a trading place for themselves.

OPSkins

Let’s face it, no one here wants to sell their skins for Steam wallet funds because this type of currency is useless for us. Even though there are some people that do not mind having Steam wallet funds available, I simply believe that the majority of us wanted real money for our skins.

This is where OPSkins come into play. They took the entire trading scene by storm. Even though you could not directly trade skins(player-to-player), you could simply sell the skins you wanted and buy new ones for yourself, as simple as that.

Furthermore, OPSkins always had great deals. For example, a lot of people wanted to get rid of their skins really fast hence why they would put them on insane discounts which varied from 33%-50%. From my perspective, these are insane numbers, especially because you can get the skins you want for a cheaper price once compared to the Steam market.

However, OPSkins decided to push things a bit too far and they paid the price for it. Valve banned a lot of their bots and they were simply forced out of business.

Skin Gambling - Rise & Fall

Let’s talk stats. The skin gambling industry, while in its peak was worth well over $5 billion. These are insane numbers if you ask me and you can probably figure out that Valve simply had to do something about it.

There were also quite a lot of scandals involving “PhantomL0rd” and “TmarTn”. Both guys did not disclose that they are a shareholder or even an owner of skin gambling sites they won money on. You can probably imagine that they rigged almost all of their games just to make them win and influence their viewers to come and join this site and easily win money.

Valve hand was forced as lawsuits started to pile up. To be honest, the skin gambling and trading industry was a bubble that was ready to blow up. After announcing cease and desist letters to the most popular skin gambling sites on the market, Valve was able to stop skin gambling in its tracks.

However, site owners once again found a way to work around the Steam API system and we have seen more and more gambling sites on the market. Once again Valve had to do something. This time around, Valve worked hard to fix their Steam API and they were finally able to put a stop on the skin gambling industry.

After introducing 14 days hold period for recently traded skins, Valve killed off the remaining sites that were still somehow able to provide skin gambling via Steam.

What Are the Most Popular Skins?

There is no denying that there are quite a few CSGO skins that are really unique and one of a kind. However, in 2016 there were quite a few skins that were considered rare. Alongside them being rare, they would have a heavy price tag on themselves as well.

The Most Popular CSGO Skin Ever?

AWP Dragon Lore is a dream of every AWPer and competitive CSGO player. Covered in gold, Dragon Lore is without a doubt the best looking skin out there. On top of that, getting this skin in a decent condition will cost you a lot of money.

If you decide to buy a factory new Dragon Lore right now, it would cost you roughly around $2500. However, there is an alternative to this. You can use Lootbear to rent AWP Dragon Lore for only a couple of dollars per month.

Nice Looking Knives

Let’s face it, we all dream of having an excellent knife which will leave everyone stunned once you inspect it. With Lootbear, you will not have to spend a lot of money in order to accomplish that. So what are some of the best knives in CSGO right now?

Talon Knife - Doppler, Fade, Tiger Tooth

This bad boy is definitely an upgrade once compared to Karambit. Almost everyone fell in love with Talon knives once they were released and this is why they are so expensive. For instance, Talon Knife Doppler will cost you from $600 to $1000, depending on the float and phase.

Alongside Doppler, Talon Knife Fade and Tiger Tooth are also excellent picks. You will leave your teammates in delirium once you start spinning your knife and you do not have to tell them that you got it for less than $10 a month.

Butterfly Knife - Marble Fade, Tiger Tooth, Fade

In my personal opinion, Butterfly has the best inspect animation out of every other knife in CSGO. You being able to spin it like a pro around your hand is definitely a good feeling.

There are quite a few Butterfly skins that look insane. On top of my list is definitely Marble Fade one. Mixture of the colors fits perfectly, but the price is hefty as well. Starting from $850 all the way up to $1500 is a lot of money.

On the other hand, Butterfly Tiger Tooth and Fade are two cheaper options for you. You can get them roughly for the same price of $600. These two skins as well will look very good once you start spinning them around your wrist.

Benefits of Having CSGO Skins?

Some will say that there are no benefits of having skins in your inventory. However, I would disagree. If you acquire a very good looking skin, your gameplay will definitely improve.

Your movement will improve and you will have a lot more confidence to take fights that you would not usually take.

Furthermore, if you like to brag, CSGO skins are the best way to do it. There are people with insane inventories that simply enjoy collecting those skins. Who knows, maybe you will find your happiness in being a CSGO skin collector.

All in all, having CSGO skins in your inventory will surely benefit you. Your aim will improve, you will move like a madman around the map, and overall, your CSGO experience will be much better. This is why I would advise you get a couple of skins and try it out yourself.

Rent CSGO Skins - LootBear

However, Valve was not able to seize operations for legit sites. One of them being us.

On top of that, LootBear also allows you to earn money by renting your skins to other players. Keep in mind that this process is safe, secure and you do not have to worry about your skins being stolen or sold to someone else. LootBear has got you covered.

There are three plans that you can subscribe to. The cheapest one will cost you $14.99 per month and it will allow you to rent skins that are valued at $150 max. You will also be able to rent 2 simultaneous skins. For instance, you can grab both gloves and a decent knife for $14.99 a month.

To summarize, LootBear will provide you with something unique for a low price. If you want to grab the most exclusive skins on the market, you can get them for $24.99 per month and you can have an insane inventory without having to invest thousands of dollars.

This blog post has been written by the awesome guys over at TopGamersGuide - Check them out for more content centering around the world of gaming.

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theartofmedia · 5 years

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Kotaku and the Art of Game Leaks

(Full disclosure: this piece was commissioned by a friend. The topic has changed from the initial pitch, but still. I don’t know how that may or may not affect your view on this piece, but I still feel it’s important for me to be transparent about this.) On May 30th, 2019, Laura Kate Dale announced her departure from Kotaku UK. Dale is a controversial figure among the games journalist community for... multiple reasons (please note the latter link lacks any actual evidence and how she apparently didn’t report this Uber driver for ‘nearly kidnapping her’ despite posting it publicly on Twitter, hence the controversy around it), but that’s not what we’re talking about today. What we’re going to be discussing is what she is known for the most: video game leaks.

LKD is most known for leaking video game information prior to their release, from information about Dark Souls Remastered, to unboxing a PS4 Slim before Sony itself even announced its existence, to Switch software. It got to the point where LKD was blacklisted by Nintendo UK, most likely for leaking so much information.

Now as I was researching LKD, there was something I noticed. A lot of people supported LKD’s leaks, calling it “real journalism,” and commending her for doing her job so well. As shown by the link above, many people mocked Nintendo UK for blacklisting her for “doing her job too well.” People are always scrambling for new leaks, new information, though in many cases, this can lead to fake leaks, misinformation, and confusion among players.

And it got me to think: how do leaks really affect both the devs and the consumers of games?

The conclusion I’ve come to about it is: it does more harm than good on both sides, but especially to the devs.

Here we will be defining four categories of leaks (three of which are explained here by Griffin Vacheron of Game Revolution), though our main focus will be on two.

Accidental leaks are just like they sound: they’re accidents. Something happened, something went wrong, and people got a hold of information before they were supposed to. Like when Capcom put all the pictures of the roster of Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 on their website when a good portion of the roster hadn’t yet been announced, and the unannounced characters could be found via a small URL change. Or when Walmart’s Canadian site revealed around 40 unannounced titles due to a(n alleged) glitch in their system just weeks before E3 2018. Or when Bethesda accidentally streamed their E3 2015 rehearsal which ended up confirming the existence of Dishonored 2. Yeah.

The main component of accidental leaks is just that--accidental. Someone did something wrong, something in a system went wrong, someone didn’t think through the consequences of what probably seemed like a good idea at the time--it happens! Nothing is perfect, people included, and shit happens. But the key part is that it’s not intentional. Someone may (or, really, will) be reprimanded, punished, or even fired depending on the leak, but there was never any intention to reveal this information.

Company leaks are... not entirely proven, from my research. This is the idea that the developers themselves leak information in order to draw attention to their game and hype it up. Often, this will be the other determination of certain leaks--was it an accident, or a PR stunt? There’s no real definitive proof and seems to simply be rumor, but the possibility still exists, as there’s no real way to disprove it, either.

Ethic leaks are generally the exception, not the rule. These are leaks of working conditions, such as an employee from NetherRealm talking about the toxic work environment, or Rockstar employees opening up about how they were mistreated and underpaid and burned to ashes, or Blizzard’s layoff of 800 employees. (Further reading here on the abuse of game devs, as well as what can be done about it.) These are things that need to be talked about, because these relate to the treatment of actual, real people. These aren’t issues then of game content or development, it’s an issue of ethics in the workplace. Same with the leak of this document that details how AI can be used to encourage microtransactions, though that is an issue related to the consumer rather than the workers. Shady tactics and the maltreatment of workers is something that needs to be shown and discussed and talked about, because these things affect the actual workers, as well as the quality of a product and the company’s integrity in relation to the consumer. (Basically, if you intentionally make your game in such a way that players have to use microtransactions to make any significant progress, you’ve ruined your integrity as a company by trying to drain your player base of more money, regardless of the base price they paid for the game anyway. It’s a scummy business practice, and that kind of thing should be revealed to the public that you’re going to try to bleed dry.)

Intentional leaks are just as they sound: they’re the intentional leak of information. This is when people outside the company hack in and reveal secrets, or when people inside the company reveal information (whether directly or indirectly via being sources for journalists) before they are to be officially announced. The information given is given with the knowledge that yes, someone is going to reveal it to the public.

So let’s talk about the ramifications of intentional leaks on game devs.

Remember Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle? The cover image had been leaked before the team had a chance to actually showcase the game. Nobody knew anything about the game other than the cover, and universal reception at the time was: “This is going to be terrible.” Because of a leaked image, the public already had a strong negative opinion about it. However, the showcase that showed off actual gameplay was well-received, and the Metacritic score is 85. So the game itself was pretty damn good, according to the critics. An unlikely crossover turned out well! But the initial reaction was incredibly demoralizing to the team. It’s one thing to have criticism given to a game based on a trailer or gameplay showcase; it’s another to get criticism based on a single image and the concept alone with no other information given. As the director and music composer explain, the dev team was very worried and stressed not just about the game reception but about the showcase, as they were afraid that the reception to the showcase was going to be bad due to the already-negative opinion on the game.

Let’s also talk about how CD Projekt Red had demo gameplay and audio of Cyberpunk 2077 leaked by a journalist (who later complained about not being credited, about how his relationship with CD Projekt Red and the PR person he was friends with) after being asked not to. The company had their trust in the journalists--someone who they had a fifteen year relationship with--used and abused, leading to secrets being leaked. The devs had politely asked the journalists not to do so, but one did, and apparently saw nothing wrong with leaking private information and posting it to the public.

Or let’s talk about how, way back in the day, the entire source code for Half-Life 2 was revealed to the public and Valve (allegedly) lost $250 million dollars. The article actually states some of the effects of the leaked source code: “Meanwhile, the team at Valve, which had been in crunch mode for months, was left reeling by the leak. The game was costing the company $1 million a month to build and the end was still far from sight. The leak had not only caused financial damage but had demotivated a tired team. One young designer asked Newell, "Is this going to destroy the company?" (found under the heading “A Red Letter Day”).

Or we can talk about the Sm4sh leaks back in 2014 and how it led to an employee (allegedly) being fired and sued due to leaking this information. Now, this can very easily be viewed as justice being served to the leaker, and I would agree. But what is the issue here can be summed up by PlatinumGames producer JP Kellams:

The people working for years and years on a project suddenly have parts of their project--that they wanted to surprise players with, this particular instance being the Sm4sh roster--given out to the public before they wanted it to be. Imagine working for years on your life on a project, and then having someone reveal your work to the internet without your knowledge or permission. I know I would feel dejected, exhausted, hopeless, hurt, regardless of any positive reception to what was revealed. You, as someone who has worked so incredibly hard--and, in many cases in the game industry, been thoroughly abused--apparently don’t have the right to reveal the thing you’ve been working on the way you want.

I want to make this clear: I am not talking about “the Big Corporation” here. I don’t care about the higher-ups who put the pressure on the workers. I care about the workers, the little people that are being trampled on and forced to work in abusive, toxic conditions in order to meet a deadline and the outrageous demands of the higher-ups. They are the ones suffering.

Case in point: the Blufever leaks for Final Fantasy XIV. The details are a bit murky, as is with most leaks, but the story as I understand it is: user Blufever is/was an employee at Square Enix who leaked massive amounts of information on upcoming expansions/patches for FFXIV. Then, their account went dark, as they apparently feared for being found out by Square Enix. Vergeben, a known reputable leaker within the Smash community, had this to say about the situation:

Now, of course, there is no way to truly verify these claims. However, due to Vergeben’s reputation as an accurate leaker (and the fact that he was right about one of the upcoming DLC characters being from Square Enix) leads me to believe him. Assuming that his claims are true, someone leaking all of this information to the public put a lot of innocent people in the line of fire--and it’s very possible that these

So, what does this have to do with Kotaku?

Here’s something interesting.

When known E3 leaker WabiSabi was given a cease & desist warning from Nintendo for leaking information, take a look at some of the top replies. (Note that a lot of them are ninja gifs, here’s a sample so I don’t have to do it for every one.)

Not all of the replies are against WabiSabi, however, though a majority seem to be:

(About the above: I can’t really find anything suggesting that LKD was leaking things for “customer advocacy,” other than confirming that the next gen console (now known as the Switch) was not using the Wii branding like its predecessor did, thus easing some fears because of the bombing of the Wii U. Other tweets about that are here, but don’t really sway me in terms of “consumer advocacy.”)

As shown, the replies seem to be pretty divisive on whether or not it was a good or bad thing that WabiSabi got hit with a cease & desist.

However, let’s have a look at some of the replies to LKD’s tweet about how she was blacklisted by Nintendo.

And again, not all are supportive of her:

I actually had to look quite a bit to find any negative comments. Many were supportive of her.

(I would like to take this moment to get unprofessional for a second and unleash my full opinion of this: NO FUCKING SHIT YOU GOT BLACKLISTED, SHERLOCK. THEY TRUST YOU WITH THEIR SECRETS AND THEN YOU DISRESPECT THEM BY REVEALING THEM BEFORE THEY DID. I DO NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE WOULD SAY IT’S A COMPANY BEING “SHADY” WHEN IT’S JUST INFORMATION ABOUT UPCOMING PRODUCTS. NOTHING ABOUT ETHICS OR CONSUMER TRUST OR PRODUCT QUALITY. anyway,)

Now, you can say, “But Sakra! That’s a three-year difference!” And I rebuke with: people still support her to this day in spite of this. Kotaku UK kept her on though all of this and then some. It wasn’t until a kerfuffle happened in April with the “Persona 5 OST Has A Disability Slur” thing happened, and soon after, LKD left. It seems that the immense backlash with that was what fully pushed her off. (Now whether she was forced to resign or legitimately wanted to leave, that’s something only Kotaku UK and she know for sure.) The point is, her departure from Kotaku UK seems to have been completely unrelated to her leaks.

And why would it when Kotaku themselves--not just the UK chapter--are clearly very supportive of video game leaks of this nature?

Just have a look at their recent posts. All I did was put “leaks” in the search box. You may say “they’re just reporting the news of leaks!” But they put some of the leaked information IN the articles. The one on Watch Dogs Legion even confirmed the leaks. “Kotaku can confirm that this one’s real, as we’ve heard the name from several sources plugged into the company.”

Oh, and let’s not forget this lovely fucking article from 2015 where a Kotaku writer apparently speaks for the site and basically victimizes themselves for being blacklisted by Ubisoft and Bethesda. In fact, we’re going to dissect it, just because there is so much bullshit in here from the author, who is clearly speaking for Kotaku as a whole!

Buckle up, kids, your local Sakra is about to get fucking pissed.

The author describes how the Bethesda blackout came after “we reported insiders’ accounts of the troubled development of the still unreleased fourth major Doom game. In May of that year, we reported that Arkane Austin, the Bethesda-owned studio behind Dishonored, would be working on a new version of the long missing-in-action Prey 2 and that some at the studio were not pleased about that. When top people at Bethesda started making statements casting doubt on our reporting, we published a leaked internal e-mail confirming that those statements had misled gamers and that Arkane had indeed been working on a version of Prey 2.”

However, Kotaku at that time had also posted “our December 2013 report detailing the existence of the then-secret Fallout 4.” Reporting on troubled development isn’t an issue. Leaking emails just to confirm a game when Bethesda was desperately trying to preserve their secrecy that you had broken (probably not first, but Kotaku has a lot of mainstream reach) is an issue. I don’t like Bethesda, don’t get me wrong, but they were trying to salvage the secrecy of a project. Do I think trying to lie to the audience in order to keep the existence of a project secret is okay? No, not really. But I understand what they were trying to do. And whether you agree with their choices or not--no shit you would be blacklisted, especially if you have insiders as described here! You can’t go crying victim and martyr yourselves when you do this kind of shit. Especially if you were reporting on Fallout 4, a major fucking entry in a popular franchise!

As for the Ubisoft blackout...

“The current Ubisoft blackout is actually the second in as many years. The company tried a similar approach in the spring of 2014 after we published early images of the then-unannounced Assassin’s Creed Unity—images that had been leaked to us by an independent source. That article confirmed news about the company’s extraordinary plans to release two entirely different AC games in the fall of that year, one for new consoles and one for old. Ubisoft had warmed back to Kotaku by the summer of 2014, several months after the Unity report, but has cold-shouldered us since the Victory story one year ago. It’s possible other articles angered them, too. But that Victory piece is a safe bet.”

Ubisoft actually gave Kotaku another chance after leaking Unity, and the Victory (now Syndicate) story was, guess what, more leaks. You broke Ubisoft’s trust once, then you broke it again. Frankly, it’s fucking disgusting, knowing about how these leaks really affect devs, that Kotaku would dare to turn itself into a “journalism martyr,” as it were, because they were ignored by the devs whose trust they broke.

Now, you can say that maybe they didn’t know the information of how it affects devs--but a) the Sm4sh leaks and the fallout had already happened by then (it was 2014) and the Half-Life 2 source code fiasco had happened in the previous decade. Also, if they had insiders, wouldn’t they know just how serious leaking this information was and how it puts their sources and other devs at risk? Maybe Ubisoft and Bethesda aren’t as strict on their leak policies as Square Enix and Nintendo are--we don’t know. But I can’t imagine that they like it at all.

“I’m sure some people will sympathize with Bethesda and Ubisoft. Some will cheer these companies and hope others follow suit. They will see this kind of reporting as upsetting, as ruining surprises and frustrating creative people. They will claim we are “hurting video games,” and, as so many do, mistake the job of entertainment reporting for the mandate to hype entertainment products.

“We serve our readers, not game companies, and will always do so to the best of our ability, no matter who in the gaming world is or isn’t angry with us at the moment. In some ways, the blacklist has even been instructive—cut off from press access and pre-release review copies, we have doubled down on our post-release “embedding” approach to games coverage. We’ve experienced some of the year’s biggest games from street level, at the same time and in the same way as our readers.”

No.

It isn’t just about “spoilers” and “ruining the surprise.” In some cases, yes, a lot of people don’t like or actively avoid leaks because they do want to be surprised. But that’s not the only thing.

By “serving your readers” and trying to dig for this information, you’re putting devs at risk. You’re putting your “sources” at risk. Now, if you were reporting on development or shady tactics or awful work environments or specific negative incidents behind the scenes or things that should be talked about, I would absolutely agree with you that you should continue digging deeper. But that’s not it. The companies trust you not to reveal something until a certain time, and you go and do it anyway.

By claiming victim and demonizing the “big bad corporation” for blacklisting you, you minimize the actual stress and hardships it put on the smaller guys in the company that the entire company is built on. You completely brush it aside and paint the entire company as irrational. You completely neglect the plight of the actual people working on it, and disrespect them by revealing their information before they do, when they have worked for SO LONG on whatever project it is. Like JP Kellams said, devs earn the right to talk about their product because they worked on it for so long. You haven’t.

And then... this paragraph.

“Too many big game publishers cling to an irrational expectation of secrecy and are rankled when the press shows them how unrealistic they’re being. There will always be a clash between independent reporters and those seek to control information, but many of these companies appear to believe that it is actually possible in 2015 for hundreds of people to work dozens of months on a video game and for no information about the project to seep out. They appear to believe that the general public will not find out about these games until their marketing plans say it’s time. They operate with the assumption that the press will not upend these plans, and should the press defy their assumption, they bring down the hammer. We make our own judgments about what information best serves the news value of a story, and what our readers would prefer not to know—which is why, for example, we omitted key plot details from the Fallout 4 scripts that were leaked to us. We keep covering these companies’ games, of course. Readers expect that. Millions of people still read our stories about them. The companies just leave themselves a little more out of the equation.”

I never thought I’d see the day when video game companies were being victim-blamed.

Frankly, by leaking information, it ruins the relationship between the companies and the journalist, because then the company will start to make generalizations about journalists and not trust them, thinking that they will reveal whatever information they give them, which makes journalists like this press harder for information, and can you see where I’m going with this? It’s a cycle of mistrust, perpetuated by journalists like these who go against the wishes of a company that just wants to keep something a surprise until a certain date.

And then this motherfucker has the audacity to frame companies blacklisting reporters that leak information as bad! “They operate with the assumption that the press will not upend these plans, and should the press defy their assumption, they bring down the hammer.” Why are companies wrong for trusting journalists? Are you implying that all games journalists are untrustworthy, because they won’t respect the wishes of a company that gives them the information in good faith that they won’t leak it? You do say that “it is nearly unfathomable to me that a reporter would sit on true information about what’s really happening in gaming, that we would refrain from telling our readers something because it would mess with a company’s marketing plan,” so I don’t know, maybe you DO think that all games journalists should immediately report on confidential information that the game companies are going to eventually reveal anyway and while only really receiving clout in return. Oh, whoops, got a little bitter there.

“They appear to believe that the general public will not find out about these games until their marketing plans say it’s time.”

Maybe because people like YOU are the ones who leak it! You can just as easily, you know, not fucking do that! This feels more like an excuse to not accept responsibility/deflect criticism, because ‘the companies shouldn’t have expected us to stay quiet!!!’ This is just straight-up victim blaming. Like it’s actually kind of scary.

It’s this ideology that Kotaku seems to stand by, as LKD once stated that higher-ups look over the written articles to approve them, and to my knowledge, Kotaku hasn’t redacted any of these statements, so I’m assuming that they still stand by it. Them spreading this ideology is what perpetuates the idea of game leaks (of the non-accidental, non-ethics-related kind) being “good journalism,” and with how much reach Kotaku has, it has the power to be legitimately damaging.

“They have done so in apparent retaliation for the fact that we did our jobs as reporters and as critics. We told the truth about their games, sometimes in ways that disrupted a marketing plan, other times in ways that shone an unflattering light on their products and company practices. Both publishers’ actions demonstrate contempt for us and, by extension, the whole of the gaming press. They would hamper independent reporting in pursuit of a status quo in which video game journalists are little more than malleable, servile arms of a corporate sales apparatus. It is a state of affairs that we reject.”

And here it is: Kotaku was just the humble, underdog reporter just doing their job, and the publishers show off contempt for the entire industry (rather than just Kotaku itself, I guess blacklisting one site means you hate all of games journalism) for Kotaku simply doing their jobs!

No, you ignorant twat, you broke their trust, so they don’t want to talk to you anymore. You don’t get to play victim when YOU were the one who blew the whistle.

Now, I cannot stress this enough: I am only talking about leaks related to game announcements, content details, etc. that are deliberately leaked to the public from an inside source. I am not talking about leaks related to ethical violations or troubled development or other negative things within companies. Those are things that should be reported on. But that kind of thing isn’t primarily what Kotaku is talking about and promoting; they are promoting the reveal of information because it’s “just good journalism.”

Except, as shown above, it has some very dire, very real consequences for the people you don’t see, and maybe that’s why Kotaku is so adamant about defending themselves in this regard. Maybe they don’t see the living, breathing people who get affected by their leaks, and so they think they’re fighting against the Big Bad Corporation when, in reality, it’s much more complicated than that. It doesn’t feel real to them. Or, maybe they do and they just don’t care. I genuinely cannot say so one way or the other.

I really, truly hope that by reading this, you the reader have a new perspective on how leaks of that kind affect the industry, and the little people whose backs the companies are built on.

As for the article and Kotaku as a whole...

“Kotaku readers always deserve the truth. You deserve our best work. It doesn’t matter which company is mad at us today, or which companies get mad at us in the future. You’ll continue to get it.”

Fuck yourselves.

#kotaku #video games #games #games journalism #hooo BOY this one got angry #but!! it's done and i like it

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haroldgross · 5 years

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New Post has been published on Harold Gross: The 5a.m. Critic

New Post has been published on http://literaryends.com/hgblog/oscars-2019-final-call/

Oscars 2019 - Final Call

Since the nominations, there have been a slew of awards given out that may or may not be predictive. The Annies, The Eddies, PGA, Art Directors Guild, SAG-AFTRA, Directors Guild, BAFTA.

I will say it is one heck of an open field in a lot of categories, which is exciting. It speaks to a volume of talent. Of course, this also means a lot of people who are really good at what they do will not be going home with statuettes. But that’s the biz.

THE MAJOR AWARDS

Actress in a Leading Role

Yalitza Aparicio, Roma Glenn Close, The Wife Olivia Colman, The Favourite Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me?

This is one of those rare times where I wouldn’t be upset by any one of these people winning. They were all great performances, and all very different. To my mind, it is between Colman and Close. But McCarthy was also excellent and Aparaicio may have some momentum (and was a wild card for me in terms of getting on the list). And, of course, Gaga. Close has yet to win, so that may get her votes, but Colman’s performance is just so funny and powerful, it may win the day…and her movie was much better received.

My choice: Glen Close Likely win: Olivia Colman

Actor in a Leading Role

Christian Bale, Vice Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born Willem Dafoe, At Eternity’s Gate Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody Viggo Mortensen, Green Book

This is by no means a lock for Bale, but he so disappears into his role that it is astonishing. I am not a huge Bale fan, but he had me utterly mesmerized and not even able to see him under all that makeup. In terms of the field, only Dafoe’s name surprised me, though that last slot was somewhat open.

My choice: Christian Bale Likely win: Christian Bale

Actor in a Supporting Role

Mahershala Ali, Green Book Adam Driver, BlacKkKlansman Sam Elliott, A Star Is Born Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me? Sam Rockwell, Vice

Supporting roles are hard to pin some times. These were all good performances, though I think Elliott isn’t necessarily to the same level (and I didn’t expect him on the list over Chalamet), nor was Rockwell’s performance that brilliant, though it did win me over as it went on. But Mahershala Ali was incredibly affecting and Richard Grant, equally so, but with much less screen time. That said, Green Book is hitting headwinds due to aspects unrelated to the movie…but which are likely to affect its chances in any category. And while Driver is excellent, the character just never really got to fully develop for me.

My choice: Mahershala Ali Likely win: Richard E. Grant

Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams, Vice Marina de Tavira, Roma Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk Emma Stone, The Favourite Rachel Weisz, The Favourite

This is a brutal field. Stone and Weisz should have to mud wrestle for the win here and that is likely going to split the vote. Tavira was solid, but it wasn’t break-through and I was surprised to see her here rather than Clare Foy. Adams was also really good, but felt in the background most of the time…even though she really wasn’t.

My choice: Rachel Weisz (but only because I had to pick one) Likely win: Regina King

Adapted Screenplay

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Joel Coen & Ethan Coen BlacKkKlansman, Charlie Wachtel & David Rabinowitz and Kevin Willmott & Spike Lee Can You Ever Forgive Me?, Nicole Holofcener and Jeff Whitty If Beale Street Could Talk, Barry Jenkins A Star Is Born, Eric Roth and Bradley Cooper & Will Fetters

Again, so much to consider here. BlacKkKlansman was a great movie, but, like Green Book, it remade the facts freely. Which is fine, but that is being used as a wedge against Green Book, so not sure how to parse that effect. Star is Born is a great reinvention of the story, but it isn’t brilliant, however entertaining. I am surprised that Black Panther didn’t make it on, even though I didn’t think it should. I’m still behind on the other two at present, but hope to close that gap…but in the meantime I can make some guesses.

My choice: Can You Ever Forgive Me? Likely win: If Beale Street Could Talk

Original Screenplay

The Favourite, Deborah Davis and Tony McNamara First Reformed, Paul Schrader Green Book, Nick Vallelonga, Brian Currie, Peter Farrelly Roma, Alfonso Cuarón Vice, Adam McKay

Another interesting field. Green Book was one of the best films I saw this year. It was unexpected and complete. Favourite is hugely popular and darkly funny, but I think flawed. Was expecting Stan & Ollie and Eight Grade over Roma and First Reformed, but that was a tight race. However, of the remaining choices, Roma’s script is just too spare in comparison and Vice a bit too political and nauseating, while First Reformed is just too dark. So…

My choice: Green Book Likely win: The Favourite

Cinematography

Cold War, Lukasz Zal The Favourite, Robbie Ryan Never Look Away, Caleb Deschanel Roma, Alfonso Cuarón A Star Is Born, Matthew Libatique

Roma for me. Hands down just a beautifully shot film. The others are nice as well, but Cuarón’s use of the camera was just brilliant and the result gorgeous.

My choice: Roma Likely win: Roma

Directing

Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman Pawel Pawlikowski, Cold War Yorgos Lanthimos, The Favourite Alfonso Cuarón, Roma Adam McKay, Vice

I’d have said this was Lanthimos’s to lose if it weren’t for the ending of his latest film. It is a brilliant bit of satire; just not a perfect one for me and some of the movie just doesn’t fit well together. Roma is brilliant on so many levels, but a bit self-indulgent in its direction. Vice is great, but mostly about the editing and script (and some performances). BlacKkKlansman, however, is really all about the performances, keeping you engaged without making you turn away. Lee had the hardest task and executed it well…and it’s been years since he’s had a shot.

My choice: Spike Lee Likely win: Spike Lee (though it may well go to Lanthimos)

Best Picture

Black Panther BlacKkKlansman Bohemian Rhapsody The Favourite Green Book Roma A Star Is Born Vice

I don’t even know what this category means anymore. Is it by what’s popular, what’s fun, what’s brave, what took the most skills? So, crap shoot.

My choice: Green Book Likely win: Roma

THE NEXT TIER AWARDS

Animated Feature Film

Incredibles 2 Isle of Dogs Mirai Ralph Breaks the Internet Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

Nothing in the intervening time between nomination and tonight have changed my opinions. Add to that its near sweep at The Annies and Spider-Man should walk away with this award.

My choice: Spider-Man Likely win: Spider-Man

Foreign Language Film

Capernaum (Lebanon) Cold War (Poland) Never Look Away (Germany) Roma (Mexico) Shoplifters (Japan)

Shoplifters would have been my early bet here, but Roma is truly a great film and has huge momentum and a ton of noms. Those who have no interest in voting for it for Best Pic are likely to balance that by voting for it here. It may well cost Roma as Best Pic ultimately that the safety valve exists.

Likely Win: Roma

Documentary Feature

Free Solo Hale County This Morning, This Evening Minding the Gap Of Fathers and Sons RBG

How Won’t You Be My Neighbor and Three Identical Strangers missed this list, I don’t understand. However, this is the field we have to work with. But I’ll also admit I’ve not seen the majority of the nominees. Given the current state of politics, however, I’m going with our SCOTUS rep.

My Choice: RBG Likely Win: RBG

Documentary Short Subject

Black Sheep (The Guardian) End Game (Netflix) Lifeboat A Night at the Garden (Field of Vision) Period. End Of Sentence

Likely Win: no clue yet

Animated Short Film

Animal Behaviour Bao (Disney) Late Afternoon One Small Step Weekends

Likely Win: no clue yet

Live Action Short Film

Detainment Fauve (H264 Distribution) Marguerite (H264 Distribution) Mother Skin

Likely Win: no clue yet

THE TECHNICAL AWARDS

Production Design (production; set)

Black Panther, Hannah Beachler; Jay Hart The Favourite, Fiona Crombie; Alice Felton First Man, Nathan Crowley; Kathy Lucas Mary Poppins Returns, John Myhre; Gordon Sim Roma, Eugenio Caballero; Bárbara Enríquez

My choice: Black Panther Likely win: Mary Poppins Returns

Costume Design

The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, Mary Zophres Black Panther, Ruth Carter The Favourite, Sandy Powell Mary Poppins Returns, Sandy Powell Mary Queen of Scots, Alexandra Byrne

Period pieces abound in this list, but so do some inventive futures.

My choice: Black Panther Likely win: The Favourite (though Mary Poppins could sweep in)

Film Editing

BlacKkKlansman, Barry Alexander Brown Bohemian Rhapsody, John Ottman The Favourite, Yorgos Mavropsaridis Green Book, Patrick J. Don Vito Vice, Hank Corwin

I’ll say again, all of these films have solid editing, but only one lived and died by its edits: Vice. However. Vice wasn’t even nominated for an Eddie this year, so the fact that Bohemian Rhapsody and The Favourite won there wasn’t much help. And, of course, this is one of those which could become either part of a sweep or a consolation prize. But I’m sticking to my guns on this one. From a story-telling point of view, I didn’t think either of the Eddie winners came close the impact editing had for the remaining nominees. And of those, Vice was the only one to use the craft to enhance the story rather than to just shock or move it along.

My Choice: Vice Likely win: Vice

Original Score

Black Panther, Ludwig Goransson BlacKkKlansman, Terence Blanchard If Beale Street Could Talk, Nicholas Britell Isle of Dogs, Alexandre Desplat Mary Poppins Returns, Marc Shaiman

If old-school Hollywood wins out, Mary Poppins will be a runaway. It is certainly one of the more classic and evident scores in the field, and complex while trying to maintain and reflect on the original. Music certainly pushed along the tale in Isle of Dogs in an engaging, if repetitive, way, and the others were more subtly supported.

Likely win: Mary Poppins Returns

Original Song

“All The Stars” — Black Panther “I’ll Fight” — RBG “The Place Where Lost Things Go” — Mary Poppins Returns “Shallow” — A Star Is Born “When A Cowboy Trades His Spurs For Wings” — The Ballad of Buster Scruggs

There is only one song here that has any traction to my mind. It isn’t perfect (and story-wise it shouldn’t be) but just try to get it out of your head.

Likely Win: Shallow

Visual Effects

Avengers: Infinity War Christopher Robin First Man Ready Player One Solo: A Star Wars Story

Despite the wealth of blockbusters here, one is infinitely better than the rest in scope and seamlessness…

Likely win: Avengers: Infinity War

Makeup and Hairstyling

Border, Göran Lundström and Pamela Goldammer Mary Queen of Scots, Jenny Shircore, Marc Pilcher and Jessica Brooks Vice, Greg Cannom, Kate Biscoe and Patricia DeHaney

Typically, I’d stay the period piece would get this hands-down, but Vice has magic in its blood with its makeup and hair, completely remaking its actors and capturing the period perfectly.

Likely win: Vice

Sound Editing

Black Panther Bohemian Rhapsody First Man A Quiet Place Roma

My choice: A Quiet Place Likely win: Bohemian Rhapsody

Sound Mixing

Black Panther Bohemian Rhapsody First Man Roma A Star Is Born

My choice: Bohemian Rhapsody Likely win: Bohemian Rhapsody

#Movie Review

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msemerj-blog · 5 years

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What IS a game?

What IS a game anyway?

Today I’ll talk a little bit about what games are, how they came to be and WHY they’re probably the best thing since…you guessed it, sliced bread.

Y’know, games aren’t something that modern society has now evolved in to. When I say “modern society” I mean MODERN society, the society where we grab our switch and hold it like a clutch purse and pull it up on the bus so we can catch a Pokemon or something. I’m talking about real games. Games we used to play when we were kids, when our parents were kids, when th- okay you get it.

I’m talking about Hide and Seek, the beginning of our lecture from Mr.Games himself who teaches our Introduction to Game Development class.

Honestly I used to play way too much Hide and Seek when I was a kid, to the point where I’m sure a lot of people have done, quite terrifyingly got lost. That was my last game actually, I haven’t played since. Anyway, did you know that Hide and Seek is actually traced back to Greece from the 2nd century? It’s around the same type of game called “Apodidraskinda” in Greek, but in modern days it’s called kryfto.

The differences between todays games, whether digital or in real life, are generally this; Digital games, can be used to portray the world in a way that you could never be able to in real life. For instance, I can hop on to Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood and jump from building to house to towers in Rome, leaping through time and space itself. In real life, you are confined to what your own imagination can give you,

We all play games because we’re bored, we find it fun, we want to escape, to bond with people, and a lot of different reasons, hundreds of them under the sun. Take a moment to really think about it, why do YOU play games?

Remember, when you’re looking to become someone who will be designing games, think about the player, think about their experience. You’re responsible for every part of that game, the objectives, the rules and everything else under that. In my opinion, just because I make a game and enjoy it, or make a game that I want, that doesn’t mean everyone else will find joy in it. You are advocating for the player, not for yourself. The gameplay is one of the most important part of making your game. Which brings me to our next topic, playtesting.

Dead By Daylight, PUBG, League of Legends, Overwatch. These are some of the games that involve betas and playtesting. These may be completed games at its core, but the developers still remember that without the players feedback, their games are actual trash to be honest, and while yes, some companies like to ask for feedback and then throw it out the window, only to go back to what their players were complaining about, in the end playtesting is what they needed in order to communicate with their player base and improve their games in all aspects!

Falling in love with your game is important, but being blinded by your love for your game is a HUGE risk. This is why it’s super important to have other people test your game for you. You should have a lot of these qualities, which is so important to being a successful game designer, commication, teamwork, being able to work under pressure because deadlines are a real thing. One of the most horrible thing in my opinion is when game companies reveal a big date for a project or a beta, then fail to meet the deadline. Just remember, in the end, video games are supposed to be fun, interactive and player-sided, remember that and you’ll do great!

We were also told to compare the games Go Fish and Quake, Gold Fish is a card game played by 3-6 people, everyone gets 5 cards, and in the end the person without a card left, wins. On the other hand, Quake is a 3D game, it’s single player on a computer. You have to defeat monsters, you get power ups you shoot and kill there’s levels and so much more.

My point is, both of these are completely opposite in how they’re played, and going back to earlier where I said one is real life, and one is digital, both are STILL games. The most obvious similarity between the two are PLAYERS, as in you literally need players to use these products, to play the game. The only difference at its core is that one is single player, and the other one needs at least 3 people to play. Both games need people to be thinking logically, strategically, and in both cases in the end, the player just wants to WIN.

Games have objectives, the objective in most cases is to get to the end, or to win. Go fish? Match your cards and win. In Quake? Just reach to the end of each level alive. The point brought up in the lecture was that in games, objectives are vital in structuring the experience and motivating players. In movies we don’t have any of that, we just watch the movie and that’s the end.

Procedures, outlining the actions or methods of play allowed by the rules, ie; guiding the players behaviour. Rules are definitely a necessity in any game we play to be honest, without them nobody would know where to go in any single player game. Whether it’s linear, open world or just a team deathmatch in Call of Duty.

Resources are also extremely important, like in Quake, Fallout, Call of Duty, or any other FPS, RPG or Card game. Guns, ammo, points, powers, perks, etc. For instance, in Dead by Daylight I can spawn in to the map, open a chest and get a med-kit so I can heal myself if I need to.

Conflict is when a game throws you the end of a level, there it is! Just reach the end you can see the door! Except now that you walk forward, oh no, there’s 25 enemies. Kill them to go forward. Which brings us to boundaries, let’s say you see that same door, and the 25 enemies, and think okay well I’ll just go around them and get to the door without killing the enemies. Absolutely not. That’s not how the developers wanted you to play, that’s not how it’s supposed to be experienced! So the developers put boundaries so we don’t go outside the intended play area.

Challenges, another form of conflict in games. Challenges create tension in your games, and teach you to resolve a problem, like in Until Dawn, you must choose a ridiculous amount of options in a super short amount of time, and depending on what you choose, it’s literally life or death, so you must choose wisely. You also have to remember that putting too many challenges makes a game boring, so be careful not to include something so frustrating that it’ll make the player want to rage quit out of your game and forget to come back. Make it something either satisfying, or something that will completely alter the way it’s played whether it’s good or bad.

The concept of the word “play” is really tough to describe personally. It’s tough to really define what it is, because in my opinion I think of play as a positive connotation, but then I’ll see someone on twitch playing League of Legends and they die and slam their fists on their keyboards and screaming at the monitor at their teammates. Yes, they’re angry, but they’re still…PLAYING the game.

Play can be serious, happy, fun, sad, it can be everything, but in my personally opinion, play should definitely at the core be FUN. When I’m playing a game I should be having fun, no matter what. It should inspire imagination, it should engage the player.

Characters and stories in games can be both held hand in hand. Being attached to a story, to the lore, and to the character is so common in single player games these days. For example, I remember in the first Portal game, Chell wasn’t even Chell, she wasn’t anything. She was just “player” she had no story she had no background. There were bits and pieces, until fans dug stuff up and berated valve with questions, asking them to define who Chell is, who IS she? Why is she there? What’s her story? So in Portal 2 they went deeper, they gave her a background, we were attached to this once no named character. Now we love her, we love GladOS, and we’re still waiting for Portal 3 by the way…Valve? Are you scared of the number 3?

Anyway, putting Valves fear of the number 3 aside, my conclusion is that games are games, doesn’t matter if you’re playing hide and seek, Mario Party, Smash, or if you’re playing a game in your head that the floor is lava. In the end, when designing your game, remember that the players are what’s important. Remember that their feedback, and their criticism is what’s going to make you a successful game.

#whatamidoing

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sometimes-surveys · 2 years

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11.

Have you ever given your number to a stranger because they were cute? - Yeah, my first girlfriend. I met her at Warped Tour back in 2005, and it actually turned out that we had mutual friends. We ended up dating for a few months, but because I didn't drive and she lived a good 35, 40 minutes away from me, we barely saw each other and decided to call it quits.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? - Yes, my husband.

What was the highlight of your week? - It's only Tuesday, so I guess the fact that the kid that I care for and I have had the house to ourselves. He likes to act up around his grandparents and parents, but when it's just us, he's pretty well behaved.

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think about the future? - Money matters. I don't want to struggle my entire life.

What's your favorite band that starts with a "T?" - The Used, but if the T in "the" doesn't count, then I would have to say Taking Back Sunday.

Who do you go to the most for advice? Or who do you give advice to the most? - I guess my mom, but honestly I don't seek out advice from people. I like to solve my own problems to the best of my ability. I definitely give the most advice to my brother. He's always asking my opinion of things before he does them, and I appreciate that he values my opinion. Recently, I told him to quit his job if he already had another lined up. He listened and I can already see a change in him. He was so miserable, and now he gets to be his awesome, creative, charismatic self again. Now if only I took my own advice on this matter, haha.

Would you go to a monster truck show or a rodeo show? - If I had to choose, I guess a monster truck show. I think rodeos are cruel for the bulls.

What are you most uncomfortable with talking about around your peers? - No peers really to be uncomfortable around. But, if I had to pick something, I imagine it would be sex. The act itself, not my sexuality or anything like that. Just because when I used to get together with friends and it came up (other than my very best friend), I would shy away and try and change the subject if it came up.

Have you ever been to a meadow? - No, I don't think so.

Have you ever had to have surgery? - I don't think so. I know that I had an underdeveloped valve when I was an infant that caused really bad acid reflux, but I think that the doctors just had my parents wait it out until it became whole on it's own. I still don't really know to this day.

What are a favorite pair of shoes that you own? - I have a pair of Freddy Krueger Vans that I treated myself to last year when they came out. I swore I wasn't going to wear them, and wait until they went up in value to sell them. I've only worn them once, but man do I love them. I also have a pair of holographic boots that I wear to every show I've been to since like, 2015, that I love a lot, too. They're comfortable (for boots), and they protect my toes.

Have you ever went through someone's stuff and found something bizarre? - Hahaha, yeah. I remember going through some old photo albums in my husband's grandmother's house because I love looking at old pictures. I came across his brother's baby book and looked inside. There were some gross pictures of a hernia he had, it was all red and swollen looking. I just remember thinking to myself, "now why the fuck would someone want to have pictures like these...?" That was bizarre for me

Have you ever known someone who thought the world revolved around them? - Yes, my current employer. She's just so entitled, thinks the world is out to get her, and it's just very annoying.

Have you ever driven a tractor or operated a lawn mower? - A push lawn mower, yes.

What is your favorite flavor of Cheese-its? - I like the original ones.

What were you really fascinated with as a child? - Dinosaurs. I was always digging in the backyard, convinced that I would find one. I lived in Arizona at this time, and I thought desert land equals dinosaurs...just because you see movies and people are always in places covered in sand finding fossils and whatnot. Our backyard had grass, haha, my mom used to always get so mad at me for digging up the yard. Sometimes I would blame it on the dog.

Would you visit Yellowstone Park? - I would love to, I literally just said this today.

What do you watch on television the most? - I don't watch actual television, just streaming services. I've been binging the fuck out of Mike and Molly. It's on my tablet whenever I'm cleaning the kitchen, doing laundry, etc. It's just always on, and now I'm almost done.

Who is the worst person in your life? - I had to really think about this, only because I only like to keep good company. But I would say my employer. She's nice enough to me, but it's just the things she says, or laughs at, or how she thinks everyone owes her. She has a cushy work-from-home job that pays a lot, yet she's always complaining about how "omg they want me in the office today." Sometimes I just want to blurt out: "I think one time out of the five weeks you've been working from home is a picnic. Please shut up."

What is something you would never get rid of? - My electronics. I've tried, but I have a box of old phones, plugs, I have my old laptop, one I don't use, and old gaming systems. I just can't bring myself to declutter them.

What are your favorite colors? - Black, bright green, light grey, rainbow, and holographic.

Do you use listerine? - I use the Walmart brand version of it.

What is your favorite cartoon? - Ren and Stimpy. I watched the entire series just last year, but I'm sure after I'm done with Mike and Molly, I may watch it again as my binge/background show.

Do you wear your significant other’s clothes? - Sometimes I'll wear one of his flannels, just as an extra accessory with a plain, solid color dress. But other than that, no.

Green or blue eyes? - Blue.

Who are your favorite bands? - The Used, Taking Back Sunday, From First To Last, Thursday, My Chemical Romance, Evanescence, Dirty Loops. Those are the only ones I can think of, even if some haven't made music in years.

When did you last go out of state? - 2020 ):

Do you have a wild side? - Somewhat.

What is your favorite thing about going to your grandma’s house? - Seeing my grandma, which I need to do more often.

Do you like NASCAR? - Nah.

When is the last time you wore a dress? - I'm wearing a dress right now.

Who is the hottest person alive? - Zoe Kravitz is the first person that popped into my head when reading this question, so Zoe Kravitz is my answer.

Last person you yelled at? - The last time I yelled it was directed at my dog. But it was more of a calling her in from the backyard.

Have you had a good cry lately? - Not lately, no. Last time I really cried was in February when my husband's grandma died.

Is there anything else that happens on your birthday? - It's one of my husband's cousin's birthday, one of my cousin's birthday, and it's April Fools Day.

Who is in your display pic? - Nobody, it's just a pictures of some flowers that I thought was pretty.

Who did you last have an alcoholic drink with? - My husband. I really only drink with/around him.

Do you know anyone named Caleb? - My husband has a cousin with that name. He used to manage the front and backyard since he has all the tools to do so.

Who is the last person you talked to on the phone? - My mom or my husband, I'm sure.

What is a field of study that is of your interest? - Something serious: Early childhood development. Something not serious: Cryptozoology,

Have you ever lost a pet in a tragic way? How did you cope? - Yeah, my bird was out of her cage and my brother had the door open for way too fucking long for whatever reason...probably sticking his head out to smoke instead of walking the fuck outside, and she flew away. We tried to get her down from the trees, but eventually she flew off. I like to pretend that she's still out there.

Who do you spend most of your time with? - My husband. We live together, we ride to work together, we do everything together just about.

Do you have a favorite classical composer? - I can't say that I do, that being said, I have a mix of a lot of them on my library on Amazon Music. Sometimes I like to listen to classical music when writing in my journal or being artsy-fartsy.

Where is the farthest you have traveled? - I moved here to the south from Arizona, so I guess that.

What type of art would you hang up in your room? - The only art we have up in our house are things we've done for the most part.

What is your current desktop picture? - A beautiful picture flowers that my husband took.

Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you? - Honestly, no? Unless the belief was like, Agnostic or they were Atheist. I'm not that religious and I would hate for something like that to come between us. I believe in the biblical god, but I go back and forth, and I'm not really into going to church, praying, all that.

Ever gotten stuff in your eye that was very harmful for your eyes? - I'm sure I have. I clean a lot.

What do you usually order when you go to Wendy's? - Just fries. They're just about all I can eat there.

Ever seen a zebra? - Not in person, I don't think.

Have you ever seen a live turkey? - OMG YES. Somehow, there were some young, wild turkeys in the neighborhood for like two weeks. They just came and went as they pleased. My husband and I named them Turks and Caicos. One day they just weren't here, we're thinking they may have escaped from the small zoo that's near our house and someone called animal control. I don't think any of our neighbors minded them, it was honestly the most exciting thing to happen here. Miss those guys. So glad that they were comfotable enough to come on our property and let my husband get close. He was able to capture great photos of them with his camera.

#survey #surveys

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eldritchsurveys · 6 years

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o84.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you comforted someone? How about the last time someone comforted you? >> I’m not sure what behaviour of mine qualifies as comforting someone. I’m not really the guy you go to for comfort, I’m the guy you go to for distraction. That’s the one thing I know how to do. The last time I was comforted was most likely in headspace.

2. Are you good at comforting others? What kinds of things do you do to try to cheer people up? >> Yeah, no. Not good at it at all. Probably has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t recall ever being comforted as a child, ever. (I guess that’s also how I learned to go to headspace for it, because meatspace was a straight-up disappointment in that regard.) I’m good at levity, though-- so if you want to laugh through the tears, I’m your Singularity.

3. When was the last time you experienced a major disappointment? How did you come back from this, if you did? >> I don’t remember.

4. When was the last question you were asked that you didn’t want to answer? >> I don’t remember this, either. It was probably in a survey, lmao.

5. When, if ever, are you most likely to lie about something? Have you ever been caught in one of these lies? >> I’m most likely to lie when the truth is particularly callous-sounding and I don’t feel like dealing with the fallout of telling the truth -- or, when telling the truth really isn’t all that important if it means being a dick. Example: an acquaintance asks if I like their artwork, and I actually don’t... I’m probably going to lie. Friends would hopefully know to make it clear whether they want my honest opinion or if they just want support and encouragement, but acquaintances usually aren’t on that level. Also, I’ve lied on government forms before, because our country is fucking broken. (I’ve not been caught in any of these sorts of lies.)

6. If you were to have a snack right now, what would you be hungry for? >> Considering the time of night, I’d probably just have one of those rice cake things or something.

7. When was the last time you asked for help and didn’t receive any? >> I don’t remember, particularly because this isn’t a common request from me.

8. Have you ever been in therapy? Are you now? Do you think you always will be, or do you think there will come a time when you don’t need it anymore? >> I’ve been in therapy numerous times, but I don’t have a therapist right now. At some point I’d like to actually have a productive therapy experience.

9. What is something you used to think positively about, but now regard in a negative light? How about the other way around? What caused your opinions to change? >> I’m not sure. I usually go from thinking about something in a negative light to thinking about it in a positive light to thinking about it in a balanced light. Or something like that. I used to be much more closed off to Christianity, for example, and then I tried to be Christian, and then I settled into my current perception (some shit is real fucked up in that religion but I’m still cool with that Yeshua bloke, real person or mythological being or whatever he might be). Time and experience are the general reasons why my opinions change.

10. What is the most dangerous thing you do on a regular basis? >> Drink. (I don’t know how “regularly” I do it anymore, since I’ve cut back pretty drastically, but even moderate drinking is damaging, so.)

11. When filling out surveys, are you likely to give a lot of details about your life or just skim the surface (assuming the questions are adequately thought-provoking)? What types of subjects do you avoid talking about in-depth? >> If I have an in-depth answer to give, I’ll give it -- but sometimes shit really does have a simple answer. Or, I’m just not invested enough in the question to be verbose about it. Also, if I’ve answered a question like it on another survey recently, I’m not often eager to repeat myself so soon.

12. Do you have a fantasy world inside your head? If so, what’s it like? Who lives there? What kinds of things do you imagine doing in this world? >> I have a paracosm that recognises me as demiurge, and it’s called Xibalba. Right now, Garth (Can Calah), Anthony (the Architect), Rustin (Yellow Prince), Björnsi (Vinter Noll), Vivek, Micolash, and Eden live here aside from me. There might be others floating around, considering how vast Xibalba is and how little time I spend actually traversing it, but who knows. A variety of things have happened in headspace, more things than can really be imagined (considering it’s existed in various forms since I was a child).

13. If you could be the best version of yourself instantly, or the version you wanted to be, what would that person be like? How does that person differ from who you are today? >> I don’t know that there is a “final” version of me. I understand myself as a being constantly in flux -- and that is a feature, not a bug, because an unchanging state is a dead state. So, really, there’s no best version of me, no ideal version of me, there’s just me, in all its varied complexity.

14. What is one area of your life that’s improved over the last year? How about one area that’s suffered or needs work? >> Well, my living situation improved in that our roommate situation was resolved and I inherited this room. Unfortunately, this cursed (probably literally) room is also an area of my life that needs work, lmao (at this point I’ve kind of given up on it, though, so whatever).

15. Do you find self-help books helpful? Are there any you’ve read or would recommend? >> I don’t read self-help books, so I don’t know if they’re helpful or not. The closest thing I’m likely to read is books on Zen or other forms of spirituality. I do find those helpful sometimes, mostly to get me thinking in different ways. Along that vein, I’d recommend Brad Warner, because he is a very modern and realistic sort of Zen teacher. I appreciate his no-bullshit approach and his sense of humour and his honesty about himself.

16. In what ways are you controlling? In what ways do you prefer to go with the flow? >> I'm not sure. A lot of the things I think I’m controlling about -- the way people interact with me, the state of my living space -- I actually end up being just as apathetic about. I think I just have a shutoff valve to keep my stress levels low -- if it looks like being a control freak about something is just going to do me more harm than good, I stop giving a fuck after a while. (The valve is about 90% effective. Sometimes shit gets through. But usually it works pretty well.)

17. Are you a perfectionist? Does this help or hinder you overall? >> I am not a perfectionist.

18. How often do you unfollow people? What generally causes you to unfollow someone? >> I don’t know, I do it so randomly and without any fanfare that I’m not sure how often it even happens. I’ll unfollow someone for anything from “I’m no longer interested in this content” to “they reblogged a post that annoyed me and I don’t care enough about their content to keep them on my dashboard” to “they haven’t posted in 2 months”. When you follow as many people as I do normally, any opportunity to prune your follow list is worth taking, tbh.

19. What were the results of the last test you took? >> Like, a test online? Because those are the only tests I take at this point in my life, lmao. I don’t remember the last one, though.

20. If you journal, what was the subject of your last journal entry? Did you feel better after writing it, or worse? >> I don’t really journal anymore. I just do these here survey things. The last time I posted in Dreamwidth was like, the beginning of this year, or some shit? I think it was a poetic sort of post about Björnsi, or Wednesday, or somebody. (Maybe it was the “I love a god” entry. I don’t remember and I’m too lazy to check.)

21. Have you ever taken care of a sick parent or relative? Was it a difficult experience or not so much? >> Nope.

22. Have you ever been in the hospital for an extended length of time? How did you deal with the experience? >> I’ve been in psychiatric wards and residential treatment centers for months before. I don’t really know how to explain how I dealt with it, because I kinda just... did. Like, there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, I was a minor and they could keep me as long as they wanted, so, like. (Also, at that time in my life, it’s not like being free was any better. At least the ward could be entertaining, and they let me listen to the radio sometimes.)

23. What does love mean to you, if anything? What about hatred? >> That’s way too heavy a question for me at this time of night. Suffice it to say that I don’t really know what it means to me, and if I’m honest, Can Calah is the best example of it that I have. (Not that other people are poor examples, but he’s the best one.) And I really don’t know jack shit about hatred. I’ve never hated anyone in my life.

24. Is there anything you’re trying to get better at? >> Yeah, I’m trying to get better at being a person. As usual. It’s a lifelong process, which is kinda funny, because you never actually find out if you get it right. You just kinda assume you do.

25. Generally, how many people do you interact with in a day? >> In meatspace, one. Online, a few. In headspace, two or three.

26. Is there anything you know a whole lot about (movies, music, mythology, etc)? How did you get into this thing in the first place? >> Mythology, probably, although “know” is a funny word since my level of scholarship isn’t exactly academic. I got into it by being alive, I guess -- it’s kind of unavoidable. Who do you know didn’t have a Greek or Egyptian mythology phase as a youngster? Mine is just lifelong. Aside from that, I actually don’t know how much I know about anything. I’m not a specialist or anything, I kinda just... know random shit. (Provided I remember it, pfft.)

27. What is something you like that you LOVE to share with others? What about something you like that you tend to keep to yourself? >> Everything, I guess. I like to share stuff. I’m with the Chris McCandless philosophy on this one.

28. When you choose a vacation destination, what kinds of things draw you to that place? >> I’ve never really... chosen a vacation destination. New Orleans is the only place I’ve chosen specifically, and that was because I was paying for the trip and that’s my favourite place in the world.

29. Do you have any unusual food habits? Has anyone ever commented on them? >> I don’t know. I don’t think so, but maybe to someone I do. No one really comments on how I eat, so I don’t have any data.

30. Who in your life do you talk to the most? How about the least? >> Can Calah, the most. I don’t know who I talk to the least... Elle, maybe? idk.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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toyahinterviews · 3 years

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TOYAH ON RADIO BORDERS WITH HUGH BROWN 8.10.2009

HUGH: What did a young Toyah Willcox want to do when she left school? TOYAH: The young Toyah Willcox wanted to dominate the world and be like Julie Andrews and then punk came along and I very happily became a punk rocker. I always wanted to act and sing but I never wanted to do them together. I wasn’t interested in stage musicals, even though I have ended up doing those. I wanted to keep them separate, I wanted two very solid but diverse careers and I've managed to have about five diverse careers. But I did want world domination. But the glory about growing older as you get more experienced, you become more enriched as an artist and you get little more realistic about your ambitions. HUGH: Tell us how you came into the punk mode then? How did you fall into punk music? Was it was a band at school or …?

TOYAH: No, I left school when I was 17 and I moved to London to be the youngest member of the Royal Theatre Company when I was about 18. And that happened because I got spotted on the streets of Birmingham and I ended up in a BBC2 play with another actor called Phil Daniels, who about four years later I made “Quadrophenia” with. Punk kind of embraced me, I was an oddball from Birmingham. I didn’t really fit into any of the compartments women were supposed to fit into. I wasn't very ladylike, I was very tomboyish. I was small, dumpy, I just didn't fit the Farrah Fawcett-Majors kind of mould. And punk came along and made way for women like me and it also embraced women like me who are articulate but not necessarily academic. So I was very, very grateful for punk rock. And then I ended up in Derek Jarman's movie “Jubilee”, which was a punk rock movie. Ian Charleson, the actor from "Chariots Of Fire" introduced me to Derek Jarman and Derek was very, very open about his casting technique. He threw me script over a cup of tea and said “choose whichever part you want” and that's how I got the role. And Derek kind of fell in love with me for a bit and cast me as Miranda in “The Tempest” (below) which was an award winning film of Shakespeare's “The Tempest” and that was really it for me. That kind of set me off around the world.

HUGH: We'll talk about the musical you're touring with in a moment, “Vampire’s Rock” but in that you've got a lot of heavy stage make-up. The punk era was like that as well. In fact, I have to tell you as a teenager I found you scary . . . TOYAH: I'm glad you found me scary! I've always wanted to be sightly provocative. Not a hate figure, but definitely provocative and definitely questioning that whole thing of see the person, not the age, not the gender. It's always been incredibly important to me and I've always been provocative of that issue. HUGH: And the whole punk thing obviously had a limited life span and it would come to a natural end - TOYAH: Noooo … HUGH: Is it coming back again?

TOYAH: I played, about five years ago, Wasted Festival (below), which is a punk festival that plays around the world. 20,000 punk rockers of all age groups. What I'd say is that I've moved on with my natural age. I've never stayed a punk rocker. I've always moved on with each decade, but there's plenty of punks out there and there's plenty of people out there that want their punk music. HUGH: Do you think women in music are treated any better or worse than men in music? Because if you think again of the punk era - that was very male dominated ...

TOYAH: Ooh no no … I've got to tell it from my point of view. It's a very good question, a really superb question. Thank you. When I came into the music business, as a punk rocker, it was male dominated. The music industry now thanks to punk rock, new wave and New Romanticism is probably today run by 80% women. The executives are women and that is thanks to punk rock. But when I started, yeah, it was male dominated but it allowed women like me who were very voicy and very opinionated to come into the business and to change it. And I think music now is still 80% about women, but you have still got sexism and you still got ageism. And I think again it's down to people like me who have been around for 32 years or longer to say, well, actually we're still creative. We still got something to say. We're still pushing out the boundaries and we're not going to go away. And that's how we fight our revolution. HUGH: You mentioned “Quadrophenia”. It's an iconic film, still very highly regarded even all these years later. Was that a turning point for you and your career? Do you look back on that and think I'm glad I did that?

TOYAH: (I'm) Very glad I did “Quadrophenia”, but when it came out it was critically panned. And I don't know why it was panned because as far as I can see it was always great movie. I don't think it was released too early or too late. It was released at the right time but people really attacked Franc Roddam (the director), they attacked The Who, they attacked the script writer, they attacked the cast and it was really odd. I don't know why. And then the audience voted with its feet. Which is the best way to have a hit. And every generation has rediscovered that film and made it their own. So I'm more than glad I did that movie and yes, it has done very well for me. Probably not as well as having hit singles in the 80’s and being part of the 80’s musical genre, but I'm certainly very, very proud of having done it. HUGH: Can we look for a second at your music because thinking of your 13 Top 40 singles and umpteen albums, songs like “It’s A Mystery”. They were unique. It was so different I think even at that time, which was, as we've mentioned, dominated a lot by punk rock, although I think towards the end of the 70’s almost anything went and we look at the Top 40, it was so eclectic -

TOYAH: It was a revolution, we needed revolution. The young people of the late 1970’s had to find a voice. We were politically in quite a bad place. There was a lot of unemployment. There was a lot of the "Winter of Discontent" going on. There were riots and England breeds phenomenal people - let me resay that - the UK breeds phenomenal people. With great history, great culture, great attitudes, fantastic ideas and there was no outlet in the late 70’s and punk came along and let the stop valve go. We let off steam but also we recreated the culture of the youth because nothing had been happening since the 1960’s. And I think you know this is what young people do, and they do it so well, they create their own islands by which to stand on and go na na na to the rest of the world. And thank goodness it happened. HUGH: The big breakthrough single is “It's A Mystery.” Tell us about it?

TOYAH: Well, “It's A Mystery.” written by Keith Hale and it was mainly an instrumental for a band called Blood Donor and it was written in about 1979. An my record company heard it and asked if I’d buy demo it so myself and (producer) Nick Tauber rearranged it and I wrote the second verse and we made it into a song. So we demoed it. I wasn't particularly fond of it because I felt it was too feminine for what I wanted to stand for. I was very bombastic and wanted my music to be very kind very out there and very powerful. Ironically Girl Power about 20 years before Girl Power came along. But “It's A Mystery” … was massive. Absolutely massive. It sold 75,000 units a week, I think even a day on some days, it was selling that many. I remember the vinyl printing factories had to stay open 24 hours a day to reach demand, which was incredible when you think some people get to n:o1 today, in the present climate, selling 2000 units a week. So “It's A Mystery” sold and sold and sold.

HUGH: I was in a very well known record shop in the High Street the other day, and Cliff and The Shadows are back together and made an album and there was the CD single and a 7 inch vinyl single - TOYAH: Yeah. Vinyl is coming back. I think that's good news. People want for their money, they want something they can have a relationship with, something in their hand. It's a collectors piece. And I think what people forget about vinyl is people collected it. It wasn't just about the quality of the song, the quality of the album cover and the artist, it was actually about having a collection. And I think vinyl will come back. HUGH: The 80’s, is funny how things, you know, what "goes around comes around" because you yourself have been involved in some some 80’s revival tours and things with other artists, and they seem to be huge. The Rick Astley's, Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, they’re all back and back in fashion again. Do you think that's because music just goes in circles and comes back again?

TOYAH: I think there's an element of we’re still alive, and I say that with respect, because I do think that because of the way media is at the moment, when someone passes away, there is incredible media about it and I've noticed since Michael Jackson's passed away that people of far nicer to me than they ever have been. (whispers) Thank you Michael! There is that element there, that Spndau are still alive and to put that into perspective about the size of audiences were getting ... The week Oasis disbanded in Paris, on that night they were playing to 30,000 people. I opened the Rewind festival ... 30,000 people. We're getting the same amount of people as the current acts, and that never gets featured. No one ever puts their hand up and say "OK, you’re old rockers, but actually you're drawing bigger crowds than the younger people and we are". Its phenomenally popular.

HUGH: And I think it's interesting because my daughter is just coming up on 8 and I've introduced her to late 70’s and 80’s music and although she likes the current stuff too, it's amazing - she just loves that kind of stuff and I think it is probably a lot of sons and daughters of those who came first time round -

TOYAH: Oh yeah! For me I love Cream in The Yard Birds. Early Stones, I mean magnificent songs that resonate in the part of me that had no worries and had no insecurities. Therefore when I hear those songs, I remember a time which was a really happy time. I would have been about 8 or 9 so I imagine with a lot of the 80’s stuff they allow people to kind of forget the present. And experience the fantasy of being truly truly happy, because I do think we live in phenomenally difficult times for everyone. Difficult times for the family, difficult times for teenagers thinking about the future, and I think because of that music has so much more power.

HUGH: I want to ask you about one of your recent roles, about “The Secret Diary Of A Call Girl”, working with Billie Piper (below). That must have been pretty special, I would think?

TOYAH: I love that. I mean, I've done very few days filming on it, but I love the fact that they cast me, a singer, as Billie Piper's mother. I think it's so clever because Billie, she's had a singing career. She might revisit it. But I just thought that was great. Really great. She's a tall girl. She spent most of the time kissing me on top of the head, but I'm very very fond of her. She's a very brilliant and talented actress.

HUGH: Let's talk about your tour now and tell us a bit about about the musical. What it actually involves and what the storyline is? TOYAH: “Vampires Rock” (below) is a cult musical. It's been going for about five years and I joined it last year. Has little elements of the Rocky Horror Picture Show about it, but it's not as scripted. And basically it takes the genre of classic rock. If you look at songs by Bon Jovi, AC/DC Alice Cooper, Billy Idol, they're all featured in the show and the lyrics of these songs are used very loosely to tell the story of a nightclub owner in 2020 in New York who wants to get rid of his 2000 year old vampire wife and everyone on stage are vampires. Beautiful band on stage called The Lost Boys, they are stunningly beautiful and the girls scream after them every night. Fabulous musicians, beautiful dancers, and then you got quirky characters like me playing the Devil Queen. So it's basically a rock show that has an incredibly strong sense of theatre about it. A little bit Bowie-esque, Mott The Hoople and Alice Cooper in its visualisation. And a lot of comedy as well, but it rocks. It's really, really good. HUGH: Sort of bouncing in the aisles?

TOYAH: Yeah! Screaming in the aisles, rioting in the aisles. It’s great! HUGH: And you’re touring with that in fact through to next year? TOYAH: Yeah, I'm touring with that until mid-February of next year and then I join it again in September and we tour right through again

HUGH: I'm not trying to write your obituary in anyway, but what's left for Toyah Willcox to do? I mean, you've done so much and we've only been able to touch on a fraction of it in this interview. What else would you like to do? TOYAH: Well, I’ve got my band The Humans, which is incredibly important to me, which is myself, the drummer from REM Bill Riefling. My husband Robert Fripp is guesting with us at the moment and we start touring in February. I created The Humans for the President of Estonia, who invited my husband to play in Estonia, but he couldn't make it so I said "well, I'll come over. I'll put band together and we will write songs in Estonia for Estonia". This took off and the only way I can explain it's like European film noir. It's two electric basses and my voice and a lot of very weird loops and we deconstruct the pop song. So we've got a single out out at the moment called “These Boots Are Made For Walking” and all I can say is it's very New York - Seattle because it slightly deconstructed

HUGH: It’s the old Nancy Sinatra song - TOYAH: Yes, the old Nancy Sinatra song, which is a brilliant classic song. But we've brought the darkness of that song into this millennium. So I'll be working on that band for most of next year. HUGH: I think that's quite brave because it's one of those songs that you wouldn't really expect anyone to cover. Its one of those you think you'd leave well alone? TOYAH: But it's got so many connotations to it. It's a woman singing about the infidelities of a man. The song was written well before the AIDS scare. It was written well before the culture of sadomasochism, yet when you perform it in this day and age it really has quite a dark undertone to it, which is what The Humans is about. The Humans is about the face we wear behind our heads, it's about the dark nature of the human race, so it's perfect for us. HUGH: Tell us what this movie is then?

TOYAH: Yeah, I’ve just starred in a very low budget British movie called “Three To Tango”. And at the moment they're having their press showings and audience showings, which means they get test audience in and the audience kind of write reports. So it might become “Power Of Three” (below). There's two titles at the moment, and it's going to all the festivals next year and I star in it. And it's a British comedy made for £80,000 which is an absolute feat. But the reason I'm telling you about it, the press are saying it's one of the best movies of next year. Apparently it looks as though it has £100 million budget, which is very very clever because it was filmed on high definition around Belsize Park in London. And they've used all the music off an album I wrote with my partner, Simon Darlow, called “In The Court Of The Crimson Queen”, which was out last year, went to number 6 in the iTunes Rock chart. And this is due for release next year and apparently it's wonderful HUGH: We look forward to seeing it. Will it be on general release do you think?

TOYAH: I think it’ll get a limited general release. It’s definitely written for the “Sex An The City” generation and the kind of 50 year olds upwards. It's a very pro film about women in their 50’s reinventing their lives and becoming business women . It's very, very kind of “go girl! You go out and get the life you want. It's never too late”! So I think we'll have a limited release in the cinemas. Then it'll have a TV distribution and then to DVD. But hey, who cares? You know. These films kind of like “Quadrophenia” build and build and build. HUGH: You know, I interviewed Lulu a few years ago, and you remind me a lot of her in that you are looking fantastic! If I may say so -

TOYAH: Oh, thank you! HUGH: You’re looking absolutely brilliant! TOYAH: Thank you! HUGH: How do you keep yourself looking so well? TOYAH:Well, I don't party very much and people get very cross with me because I don't drink and I'm with a team of people at the moment who do nothing but drink (they both laugh) I only allow water and green tea to pass my lips and people can’t handle that at all! And very boringly 1500 calories a day. That's it. It's so important if you want to kind of keep in show business, you just have to live that really boring routine. It’s is not rock’n’roll at all. HUGH: You mentioned about calories ... As you can see, I don't worry about them at all but … (they both burst out laughing) TOYAH: I would like to wake up in the morning and eat a bar of chocolate and then I'd like to go out and have a fried Mars Bar and then I'd like to go out and have fish and chips and then I'd like a bottle of Bourbon and then stay up all night. I mean, if I did that for one night I would not make the show the next day.

So that gives my age away. I really live a military regime when it comes to my health, it's ridiculousbecause when I walk on stage is the Devil Queen. Spitting at the audience. If they knew I have to be in bed by 11 o'clock with a carrot stick and hummus dip and lots of water … I mean they be so disappointed. HUGH: Well, it certainly works. Toyah, been lovely to speak to you. Wish you well with the single, the album and indeed the tour as well TOYAH: Thank you very much

#toyah #toyha willcox #toyahwillcox #toyah2009 #toyah 2009 #toyah interview #toyahinterview #toyah radio #toyahradio #thetoyahwillcoxinterviewarchive #the toyah willcox interview archive

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styledbymayhem · 3 years

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Designer Zhijun Wang on the Sneaker Mask

Interview with Zhijun Wang, designer of the Sneaker Mask. August 2017.Introduction: Surgical masks were introduced at the turn of the 20th century, worn by medical professionals to prevent transmission of disease-causing microorganisms. The flu pandemic of 1918 brought them into the public sphere, as populations donned them to stay safe from infection. Recently, global health emergencies have grown to encompass air pollution, which is especially concentrated in rapidly industrializing cities across Asia. Many city dwellers have come to adopt surgical masks as barriers against dangerous airborne particulate matter. Frustrated by the untenable levels of pollution in his native Beijing, designer Zhijun Wang has found inspiration in sneakers. He cuts them apart and repurposes them as heavy-duty and stylish air filtration masks dubbed Sneaker Masks. In this way, Wang trades on the cultish obsession with sneakers, and the surprise of seeing sought-after examples transformed, to raise awareness of pollution.

Sneaker Mask by Zhijun Wang in the exhibition Items: Is Fashion Modern?, The Museum of Modern Art, New York, October 1, 2017–January 28, 2018

MoMA: What is a surgical mask?

Zhijun Wang: In China, people wear the ordinary surgical mask only to protect themselves from the smog, but most of the masks do not effectively filter PM2.5 [atmospheric particulate matter with a diameter of 2.5 micrometers]. People would rather wear the cheap surgical masks, instead of the professional ones like the 3M brand mask, because they think the 3M mask is more expensive and unaffordable as a daily necessity.But, I don‘t use “surgical mask” to name my work. I always call it “Sneaker Mask” because all of the materials come from one pair of brand new shoes (excluding the valves and filter parts)

.MoMA: How did the surgical mask enter fashion?

Zhijun Wang: From the beginning, I designed the masks to represent my attitude towards the air pollution issue in my home city of Beijing. Recently, the Sneaker Mask project got many people to notice the issue. A bunch of celebrities contacted me and placed private orders.In my opinion, my Sneaker Masks became a unique accessory because media, including CNN and Reuters, reported on the Yeezy Mask (which is on loan to MoMA for the exhibition Items: Is Modern Fashion?) worldwide.

MoMA: When did you wear your first surgical mask in public, and why?

Zhijun Wang: In 2014, I tested one of my Sneaker Masks—Puma Faas Mask—for the Beijing Running Festival 10K. It was a hot and smoggy day, so I wondered about experiencing the mask for a long distance run. It was a good chance to get feedback from myself, including about the respiratory function and the degree of filtration. The Puma Faas Mask was composed of four component parts and all materials come from the newest running shoes, Puma Faas 300 v3: the upper part, the bottom main part, a piece of inserted filter (effective protection against PM2.5), and a shoelace. All parts are designed to connect together by the shoelace. It’s fit for both day and night running due to the [reflective] 3M Puma logo, which provides more safety for the runner.After I finished the 10K test run for the Faas Mask, I had a lot of ideas to improve the mask, including adding a set of valves to make it more breathable. Creative works can change daily life.

MoMA: What are wearers trying to convey when wearing a surgical mask? Is it an act of modesty—emotional/psychological or physical? Or is it purely utilitarian?

Zhijun Wang: Actually, people always want to have one kind of mask to make themselves stylish and unique, and that also provides extra functional protection

.MoMA: How did you decide to cut into footwear to make surgical masks? What have been some of the reactions?

Zhijun Wang: In 2009, I often ran a circular route from home to the Forbidden City, and I noticed the air pollution when running at night. After that I started to look for a mask for daily protection. Unfortunately I didn’t find a mask both with excellent function and good design.I loved to collect sneakers at that time, so I had an idea to create a unique mask with the material from a pair from my sneaker collection. For example, my first mask was based on the Flyknit Racer; all the materials are lightweight, breathable, and durable. After several improvements on materials, I adapted a set of air valves and inserted an anti-PM2.5 filter into the mask that made its functionality much stronger than previous versions.I only use authentic shoes, not only luxury editions but the hottest types. I try my best to make each part of each mask from the materials of only one pair of shoes, transforming the shoes into a unique mask, and keeping the original design of the shoes. To keep the idea simple: that's the real challenge.Nowadays, I am so glad to see more and more people who care about the environment where they live, not only in China but also in other countries. Also the government has taken actions to solve the smog issue. We can see the blue sky again.

#moma #surgicalmask #zhijunwang

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herpeacetheorist · 3 years

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Tomb Raider: Tomb Of The Lost Adventurer Download For Mac

Tomb Raider Chronicles is an action-adventure platform video game developed by Core Design and published in 2000 by Eidos Interactive for PlayStation, Microsoft Windows and Dreamcast. Following Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation, series protagonist Lara Croft is presumed dead, and a group of friends. Nov 10, 2020 Download the Single Player DLC pack for free skins, abilities, and the Tomb of the Lost Adventurer. Important information regarding Tomb Raider: The game is officially supported on the following Macs. How to install: Put the 53510802 folder into the 000000 folder. For RGH and JTAG only!!! Download Tomb Raider - Tomb of the Lost Adventurer. It combines high-levels of interactivity, excellent pacing, and a true bond between the player and the character on screen. ' - Game Revolution90/100 'Tomb Raider’s whole is greater than the sum of its parts, and everything combines to make this the best reboot game on the market today. ' - Game OverAbout the GameTomb Raider explores the.

Tomb Raider is an action-adventure video game developed by Crystal Dynamics and published by Square Enix. It is the tenth title in the Tomb Raider franchise, and operates as a reboot that reconstructs the origins of Lara Croft. Tomb Raider was first released on 5 March 2013 for Microsoft Windows.

In Memory of Kerrie

MacRaider :: Tomb Raider on the Macintosh The original and the best!

The Games

General Troubleshooting (see individual game pages for game-specific problems)

News & Opinion

Contact Details & Links

Other Information

The Last Macintosh & The Last Classic Mac OS: A Tribute

Tomb Raider Summaries: An opinion on the classic games

Old Tomb Raiders on New Macs

May 18 2020

With Apple's decision to end 32-bit support, and introduce Catalyst to allow conversion of iPadOS apps to macOS, from 10.15 Catalina onwards, Dave has made a further update to the otherwise mothballed 'Old TRs' article to document its consequences, as well as updates to the Boot Camp and emulation sections due to Microsoft ending support for Windows 7 in January 2020. Since Dave now games on hardware other than Macs, these are based on documentation and news coverage rather than experience.

Apple have also announced the depreciation of the OpenGL and OpenCL graphics libraries in favour of their own Metal API. When these are in turn removed from some future release of macOS, further games, including TRs, may be affected. It's possible that no current Mac TR will run at that stage, or that manual installs of the older libraries may be required.

STOP PRESS: While preparing this update a number of viable sources have indicated that Macs based on Apple's own ARM chips, possibly a 12-core version of the A14, will appear during 2021. Previous Mac CPU transitions (M68K->PPC->x86->x86-64) have offered temporary backwards-compatibility at best. Any further updates will have to wait on a formal Apple announcement.

Also, Valve ended native VR support on Macs at the start of May 2020 because that relies on OpenGL features (Vulkan) not directly supported in Metal. Windows-on-Mac options (BootCamp, emulators) should still function.

March 28 2019

Aspyr Meadia have pointed out that after OS 10.14 Mac OS will no longer support 32 bit games:http://www.feralinteractive.com/en/news/933/

This means that TR Anniversary and Underworld won't be playable on Macs running the new 64 bit (only) systems.

October 20 2016

With no new Mac or iOS Tomb Raider news in the last several months it would appear that MacRaider is in a state of stasis. Indeed, with The Rise of the Tomb Raider only just now releasing on PS4 it looks unlikely (hardware specs not withstanding) that even that title will make its way to the Mac platform.

It was my intention, when taking over the site that it would be a static repository for the information accumulated by Kerrie and while there has until recently been the occasional report by me and the inclusion of the ' Old TRs on newer Macs' page kindly contributed by Dave it seems that MacRaider may be reverting to that original vision.

When MacRaider started, Tomb Raider could be played on a lowly 7200/90 Power PC Macintosh running System 7. It would seem that the latest iterations of the game have not only outgrown MacRaider but possibly the Mac platform itself.

For those who still enjoy playing the early games the information will remain available here for the interim and I am still more than happy to answer any email queries about those games.

Happy Raiding.

February 13 2016

Aspyr have posted information on their support site that an Apple security update could break some Mac games. As TR2 is included in the list of affected games it might be prudent for users to check this information..

Also of interest is the news that some of Aspyr's games will no longer support Mac OS 10.7 or older. Although Tomb Raider is not specifically mentioned it would be reasonable to expect that some games will be affected.

More info here

September 3 2015

Square Enix have released yet another Lara Croft game for mobile devices. 'Lara Croft Go' is available for iOS and Android from the Apple App store for around US$5. I haven't played much of it yet so too early to form an opinion but the game is getting good reviews.

June 5 2015

For those with iOS devices a new Lara Croft adventure called 'Relic Run' is now available free on the App Store. Game play is very similar to another popular game in the same genre. I haven't played much of it yet, mainly because I'm not very good at 'runners' but the graphics look good....and it's free!

February 1 2015

If you are looking for more Tomb Raider to play don't forget trle.net. The site has been around for many years and is a repository for a vast number of TR custom levels. An interesting article can be found here. A link to the site can always be found in the MacRaider links section.

December 9 2014

Tomb Raider II has been released for iOS and is available on the App Store. I haven't finished TR 1 for iOS, mainly due to the controls which eventually took their toll. Judging by the many complaints around the net the controls for TRII are no better. A shame really since both games look really good on an iPad with retina display. Square Enix stubbornly refuse to make the game bluetooth keyboard compatible even though Apple i devices are.

September 1 2014

I have made a small update to the TR11 & The Golden Mask page relating to playing the Intel version:Tomb Raider II and TR II: The Golden Mask

June 21 2014

The next Tomb Raider game in the current series has been announced entitled 'The Rise of the Tomb Raider' Since the game seems to be following in the footsteps of last years reboot it doesn't seem any more likely that I'll be playing this one particularly if the current trailer is any indication.

Of more interest (to me) is the announcement of a sequel to Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light enetitled 'Lara Croft and the Temple of Osiris'. The game will be available on PC, X Box One and PS4 and will incorperate four player co-op.

April 24 2014

The 'Old Tomb Raiders on New Macs' page has been updated. Dave has brought the page up to date as of Mavericks. This will probably be the final update for the page due to changes in his gaming set up and the increasing improbability of playing any of the early Tomb Raiders in the newest Mac OS.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Dave for his tireless work on what is surely one of, if not the most comprehensive articles on the subject.

I would also like to remind everyone that the page includes a handy, colour coded section for those wanting to quickly ascertain whether or not the TR they want to play will run on their hardware/software.

January 30 2014

Happy Birthday Mac

January 30 2014 marks the 30th anniversary of the Macintosh computer. I have been using Macs for most of that time and have seldom touched a PC. MacRaider is still being produced on the same Power Mac G4 as it was when I took over the site in 2008 running OS9 Classic. Obviously MacRaider would not exist without the Macintosh computer and I may never have played Tomb Raider if I wasn't already using the platform.

Many Happy Returns Macintosh.

Dccember 19 2013

At last some interesting classic Tomb Raider news; Tomb Raider 1 has been released for iOS (iPhone/Pad etc). Although not specifically Mac related I thought it worthy of a new post. I have only just begun playing on an iPad with retina display and the graphics look great. Some people have complained about the controls but I haven't found them too bad. Perhaps steering Lara while running could be improved. The game is available from the Apple App Store now for a measly US99c.

RIP Tomb Raider 1996 to 2013

With the release of the Tomb Raider reboot it is obvious that the game I have loved playing for more than a decade is gone and has been replaced with something far darker, more bloodthirsty and (for me) disturbing. It was always my hope that Tomb Raider would become more light hearted and even include more of Lara's dry humour but it seems that the developers have decided to take the opposite route and I have no wish to play a game which focuses on the pain and suffering of any character let alone my favourite, Lara. FWIW I believe that the old formula had a lot of life left in it and many more areas to be explored. Tomb Raider has joined a genre that I have no interest in no matter what name is given to the game or character.

Reportedly the developers have at least gotten the gameplay right with the new game. It's just a pity that they could not have implemented this within the old format.

With all of this in mind I would like to pay tribute to a game which has given me many hundreds of hours of gaming pleasure but has now (for some of us) come to an end.

It now remains to be seen how relevant MacRaider is in 2013. If people are still accessing the site for information/help regarding the original games I would appreciate an email so I can get some idea of the level of interest.

I will acknowledge that the new game has received excellent reviews. I think it is a pity though that the developers have had to alienate some die hard Tomb Raider fans and take the path they have.

January 18 2013

As there has been no real, new Mac/Tomb Raider news since the release of Underworld for OSX and Aspyr haven't seen fit to port any more of the early TRs to OSX since releasing TR2, it seems that MacRaider might be in a state of stasis. The site will remain online as a support base and I will report any new news should anything arise.

I have posted an update to the Old Tomb Raiders on New Macs article from Dave.

FWIW recent news/footage of the new Tomb Raider reboot have only served to galvanise my opinions of the game and it is doubtful that I would even play the game once it reaches the cheap bins. A question to ponder might be: when does Tomb Raider stop being Tomb Raider and start being some other game with only the title and character name attached to it?

May 17 2012

At last some good Mac/Tomb Raider news! Feral Interactive have announced that they will be releasing Tomb Raider Underworld for the Mac on May 31st. Good things come to those who wait!

For more information follow the Feral Interactive link on this page.

February 14 2012

Happy Birthday Lara! The 'real' Lara that is ;-)

November 11 2011

It has become apparent that if you choose to run the Classic Tomb Raider 2 Golden Mask levels in the new Intel game you will not be able to save your progress i.e. if you try to save the game will quit to the desktop. There is currently no fix for this but if a workaround is found I will certainly post it here.

November 5 2011

I have received information from Attila that the Classic TR2 Gold levels can be played in the new OS 10 re-release. Also Manu has been able to get anti-alissing and wide screen working although this requires a special app. This and all other information on the new Intel TR2 can be found on the Tomb Raider II & The Golden Mask page (link at left).

RIP Steve Jobs 1955 - 2011

October 28 2011

The re-released Tomb Raider 2 for OS 10 (Intel) is now available at the Apple app Store for US$7.99. Thanks to Manu for allerting me to this. It doesn't seem as though the Golden Mask levels have been included.:-(

September 28 2011

I have been in contact with Aspyr Media to try and find out more information about the re-release of TR2. They were forthcoming with a few extra snippets of info:

The re-release will be available for download through the Apple App Store. It will be compatible with OS 10.6 and 10.7.

I asked if The Golden Mask levels would be included but this was not answered.

I also asked about the possibility of the other Classic Tomb Raider games receiving the same treatment and was told that: 'We are assessing the re-release of multiple titles from our catalogue to be released in the same manner'. Slightly cryptic but encouraging ;-)

Go to my News Archive for more news!

MacRaider Q&A

What is MacRaider?

MacRaider is a one-person Mac-user fan site, dedicated to bringing you the best possible information to help ease your way through the Tomb Raider games.

On MacRaider you'll find detailed information on every version of Tomb Raider, from the original 'Tomb Raider' of 1996 (released as 'Tomb Raider Gold' on Mac in 1999) to 'Tomb Raider Anniversary, released in 2007.

Note that much of the information is equally applicable to the Mac, PC or console games as the gameplay is virtually identical!

MacRaider is a very plain site, with none of the bells and whistles that are infesting many other sites. There is a reason for this - my intent has always been to make MacRaider accessible to any Mac user who can play any of the Mac Tomb Raiders. Therefore I chose a 1996 Power Mac 7200/90 with a 33.6k modem as a baseline - anything on this site can be easily accessed on any Mac from then on!

MacRaider was established March 1999.

Last updated 29 May 2008

You're welcome to link to this site, but please link to this page only!

MacRaider has no Music, Frames, Flash, Shockwave, Java, Counters, 'Vote for me's' or Banner Ads :-)

MacRaider is unofficial and totally independant! Unless otherwise credited, this site's content and all opinions on this site are those of the webmistress.

Tomb Raider: Tomb Of The Lost Adventurer Download For Mac Full

'Tomb Raider' and 'Lara Croft' are the property of Eidos Interactive, Core Design, and Crystal Dynamics. Mac versions from Aspyr Media and Feral Interactive. Mac conversion by Westlake Interactive, Beenox Studios, and Robosoft Technologies. With the exception of official logos, all text and images on this site are my property and cannot be used on another site, or published in any other form of media, without my permission!

Tomb Raider: Tomb Of The Lost Adventurer Download For Mac Version

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uberchain · 7 years

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(I Hope) This Is The Last Definitive TF2/OW Politics Rambling I Ever Keyboard Enthusiast About

TaiRong’s Twitter rant on why he left comp TF2 for comp OW cuts deep. His talk was very specific to AsiaFortress, but it’s a sentiment for many former TF2 pros and talent who prioritized OW. They wanted more than what TF2 was able to give them. In turn, what it gets interpreted as is a slight against TF2 and its community.

I too, have also called brothers and sisters “traitors” at one point because I hated how not only they were leaving me, but then seemed to forget their roots. They didn’t owe me or TF2 anything. It’s not that they forgot their roots, it’s that the people who left are just as angry as the people who stayed.

I will never forget Creep*, a prominent AsiaFortress player from Korea, telling me at i55 that he wanted to bring an Asian team to iSeries one day. In i58, that actually seemed like it would be the case, but the Asian players struggled to field a team for i58 because of a majority of their playerbase leaving for OW. When I reflect back on it, it would have been wasteful to collect who was left in Asia if the best players had left. Full Tilt and Crowns were the EU powerhouses, and even the weakest froyotech roster in LAN history would have probably beaten them. Australia still hurts from 4th Place LAN placements to this day.

Of course I would have liked to see Asia at a major international TF2 LAN, let alone South America or even Australia again. I hope they will get the funding they need if they decide to contest the powerhouses of Europe or North America, and I hope they will enjoy their experiences if they do so, as many TF2 players who fight for passion do. I wished the same for Australia when they came back for i58 and ESA Rewind, even though I knew the curse of 4th Place and the lack of monetary justification must have hurt a fair bit.

The fire/candle burning out metaphor is common in my scene. I’m saddened to hear about Pavane and TaiRong attempting to go through it all and fight hard after so many hours of dedication to TF2, but burning out or feeling helpless as so many others have done around me. I’m glad TaiRong asked Fl0w3r and Pine to follow him at the right time, and as such found more success in OW than they did TF2. It took me some time to accept it, but now I can say I think they made the right choice, as did so many others I saw succeed - Seagull, Muma, Mangachu. SDB, Knoxxx, Zebbosai. Some of the many old names and old faces that TF2 players remember fondly; that TF2 players miss.

I get rebuttals of how TF2 was marketed as a casual game a lot. I know this. It was one of the reasons why matchmaking was met with so much pushback when new devs finally were allowed to implement it. To some extent, I’m inclined to agree. My favourite shit to deal with has to be when I see comments that say that the competitive TF2 pros are ruining the game. That they should just leave and stop pushing competitive on a casual game.

Well...they did.

After years of watching Valve to push the community’s 6v6, having to grow up and stop being a salt factory about my brothers and sisters going to OW instead, being paid for and thanked sincerely for my involvement in OW from Blizzard, never touching Valve’s Matchmaking since the first launch week until they adjust it again, and now overseeing what might be the most important piece of TF2 narrative in the form of 1 and a half years of filming - I’m okay with them leaving.

They left, because TF2 itself, as well as the majority of TF2′s playerbase, was insistent on TF2 being a casual game. Therefore, people who wanted more than that finally decided “alright, it’s going to stay a casual game” - and found a competitive game instead. Gameplay opinions, criticized business tactics, and other semantics aside - they found a game that did not limit itself to insisting on being a casual game, but wanted to also be called a competitive game.

I am happy for TaiRong’s success and determination. I understand and sympathize with TaiRong’s anger and his frustration. I am happy he left TF2 if he was no longer happy with it. I can objectively say as a bigger TF2 fan that OW is treating him better so far. How long that will last, I don’t know, but I can 100% say it’s treated him better than AsiaFortress from his tweets and from what I know. Of course I’m sad that TF2 was not enough for him; I understand that his and many other’s anger is more at Valve than TF2 itself. I understand the other side of the story that disagree with that sentiment and will point out Valve’s decisions as wiser.

But that’s okay. I’m glad they left if they weren’t happy here. I’m glad they’re happier where they are.

I’m sure similar fandoms experience this: I see not just former pros, but content creators, artists, Youtubers, talking about how they fear returning to TF2 for anything. The reasons sometimes are similar: they’re afraid of angry TF2 fans who labelled them traitors. They’re afraid of falling back into the comfort TF2 will offer them rather than go out of their comfort zone to try new things for themselves. They’re afraid that they’ll fall back into a depressive state because they were either in a bad state when they ventured into TF2, or they simply will always want more than TF2 was or will be able to offer.

Let them leave then. They are not yours to keep. They were not meant to stay. Their relationship with TF2 was not as fond as you thought it was - who was wrong in that relationship is up to you. Their anger is not because they forgot their roots. Their anger iis not against the community. Some of their closest friends and teammates are all probably from the same roots.

We did not forget their roots. They did not forget their roots. Their anger was because they couldn’t find what they wanted - so they found it elsewhere. And that’s okay.

*Pavane turned out to be Creep.

#comp ow #comp tf2 #overwatch esports #tf2 #ow #comp crap #thoughts crap #long post

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ghostmartyr · 6 years

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My usual response to stress is to bottle it up until it explodes in a suicidal rant in the middle of the night that mostly accomplishes worrying people. In the spirit of trying a little harder, I thought maybe I’d talk about one of my problems of the moment before it gets to that point.

I don’t really talk about my health issues in detail because I don’t want to. But one of the things that repeatedly causes me problems is actually very much related to the type of things I post here, so in the spirit of providing a release valve...

One of my most obvious symptoms is severe cognitive impairment. I have a lot of trouble thinking. How it usually presents is a problem with turning thoughts into words. It isn’t always an obvious thing (online). Some days are better than others.

Some weeks suck. This month has been that.

It’s a frustrating thing to explain, because its very nature interferes with clear communication and understanding. But here’s... about how I’ve been handling the asks I’ve gotten recently.

There are a series of words that show up in my inbox. I read them. They presumably go together. I recognize names used. I understand what’s being asked.

I do not understand a single damn thing I just read or what to do with it. If I’m in an ambitious mood, I’ll try reading it a few more times, just to make sure. If I’m completely fed up with the number of times this has happened, I’ll try typing anyway. There’s enough base understanding of the things I’m asked about that it always, always feels like it should be possible to make something of it.

It’s like swimming through concrete. Yes, there are thoughts. Somewhere. Yes, there is a basic comprehension of how sentences work in my head. Start with letters, then words, then string together something that makes sense.

None of that is interested in working together. There’s a complete lack of connective tissue between every step in the process. So I’m left just staring at the jumbled mess, knowing I’ve made it all work before, yet not having the faintest idea how. Even if a complete sentence works its way through, it’s just one more piece of the puzzle that’s missing a picture. There are times when I finish a post and have no clue if it’s comprehensible or not, because I can’t really read it back properly. Every other post I’m waiting for someone to call me on it, because it doesn’t seem possible that anything whole can come out of my head.

I’m not active on tumblr on a daily basis, usually. Fatigue is some of it, but what it tends to mean when I’m not posting or answering asks is that I can’t. The necessary mental components aren’t around that day.

When it’s not infuriating, it’s scary. My mind is completely undependable. One day it can tackle things, the next day it can’t.

It’s also stressful, because throughout all of this, despite what my poor opinion of my work is, people think it’s okay. More than okay, based on some of the very kind comments I get (and appreciate). But when people think you’re good at something, and you worry about it, you always get everyone thinking you’ll be absolutely fine, because isn’t that how it goes?

That is almost never how it goes for me. I manage to present the best version of my thoughts online, and the worst never makes it. The worst is me staring at a screen and typing three words and my brain finding another three an insurmountable task. The worst is keeping people on hold for months because I can’t arrange my brain to provide a damn answer for their question. I know I have an answer, it’s somewhere, but not here.

It’s all annoying, and lately it’s hitting a low point. It sucks, and there’s nothing I can do, and none of that is going to have a substantially visible sign. And that gets lonely. When everything looks like it’s going fine, it’s assumed that’s how it is, and that illusion creates pressure to maintain it, which in turn leads to inadvertently lying, constantly, about the emotional and physical stakes involved. Not a great way to feel understood.

Anyway, there, that’s a thing.

Writing is hard.

#x is totally a fandom

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spontaneoushiccups-blog · 6 years

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Indulgent Divulgence?

*Language Warning*

This whole experience has been such an interesting human experiment. Aside from the obvious emotional roller coaster we have personally been through as a family- it’s been fascinating to watch other people react. This is the first, or I guess I should say the most, really serious life and death thing that has happened to me, to us. I have always been an extreme extrovert, shocking people with my language and opinions since basically I learned how to speak. As I have aged and the sometimes unobviously rigid parameters of propriety have burned me- I have learned when it’s better to just keep my mouth shut- though it often requires special occasion. (I’m certain some people who know me and read that have already balked. “When might that be?”) It took being 29 weeks pregnant to write my first blog post about what’s been happening, but I think a lot of that delay was the moving of the goal posts. It took a long time for us to really understand clearly what was happening. When it first became clear to us that something was really wrong and that we were looking at major health complications for the baby, my step-mom warned me that people would be weird. My twin half sisters were super preemies, so she had been through the NICU nightmare and saw firsthand how people twitched at the thought of a baby tangled up in tubes.

Babies are like these beacons of hope, these beautiful physical representations of the future, of promise, health, fertility, love, sex, procreation, LIFE. Anything else and it’s like a records being dragged backwards against the needle. It just seems unnatural. It ruins the music. And yet- anyone who has been down the road of miscarriage, infertility, poor prenatal diagnosis, and even regular old healthy pregnancy and childbirth and the debilitating fear that tends to go with it, knows that biology can be cruel, and she often is. It’s a darkness that once you’re privy to, you can’t unsee. I recently watched Boss Baby with my 4 year old and I thought of the cartoon mom, “that kid is 7 and they are just having their second? Ugh she probably had some kind of fertility issues. Poor thing.” Or now that I am the size of a large gestating mammalian creature, as I waddle unsubtly down the street, I notice sometimes women avert their gaze, cast their eyes downward like they don’t want to look directly at me and I think, “Oh no. I hope my giant belly isn’t bringing up awful feelings of some post traumatic pregnancy issue- maybe I should tell them it’s not perfect.” But I don’t.

I remember after going through a miscarriage last year being stunned at how painful it was compared to how painful I thought it would be (because every pregnant woman imagines in the long 12-14 weeks before you’re out of the “safe zone” what it might be like to lose the baby.) Based on movies and the general shushed untruth that tends to go hand in hand with all things intimately related to reproduction in general, I didn’t understand how primally shattering that would feel. Though maybe no one does until they do. Everyone would say “it’s just the loss of promise” but it was more than that. It was the first time my body, my inner voice, my sense of confidence in the nature of things- my BIOLOGY completely betrayed me. I remember someone said to me on the phone “this isn’t a tragedy.” I hung up on them. It took months for me to even think about getting pregnant again, and even then I had to plan it six months out to be sure I was ready. I made it a conscious, extroverted effort to not be ashamed of my pain or my experience. To talk as openly as I could about it, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed to make people feel. (You know, in relevant context- I didn’t exactly wear a “ask me about my miscarriage” t-shirt- but...it’s not TOTALLY out of the realm of possibility that I might. Also I live in Portland so.)

1 in 3 women will have a miscarriage. The more I talked about it- the more those stories floated to the surface, and every woman who told me theirs still had that saddness in their eyes, no matter how long it had been, or how far along they were. They call it “suffering a miscarriage” for a reason. In many ways I am grateful for having already learned, and not that long ago, that my sense of what nature should be could be wrong, that the floor can fall out. It's been helpful to know that before we started on this current path with Iris. Somehow, while all this has been obviously painful- it wasn’t as surprising.

Social Media is a funny thing for hyper-extroverts like myself because the self doubt and fear of scrutiny or thought of people I love being embarrassed on my behalf generally doesn’t sink in ‘til a few days after the post. Wait- I am brave for sharing? Does that imply that I am brave for telling people and putting it out there despite what everyone thinks? Oh god, what does everyone think? Oh no- am I exploiting this awful situation for the brief feel-good of a "like"? Or So-and-so didn’t “like” the post, or say anything to me about it. Are they ashamed of my post? Too intimate? Too far?

We had another echocardiogram last week and it was really the first time we got to leave that awful poorly-lit clinic not deflated, in tears. They told us her A/V Valves and Pulmonary arteries are looking strong and healthy, we got to see her sweet face up close, so clear now with her little turned up nose and plump lips, and weighing in at nearly 5lbs it’s looking like she should rival or beat her sisters 8+ lb birth weight. All. Excellent. Things. A huge part of this challenge has been this subconscious inability to picture the future. I think any pregnant woman feels that way to a certain extent, but with this I can barely think past March, much less to preschool, teendom, adulthood? The end of pregnancy is so physically challenging that I feel like the excitement of the promise of your baby that’s just-around-the-corner helps to cushion the blow of the wait and the discomfort. When you aren’t exactly thrilled about the scary impending chapter, you’re just left with sore hips, insomnia, and a baby sea otter lodging its skull into your pelvis at the same time it wiggles it’s little toes up underneath your ribs. The high of the positive doctors visit quickly gave way to it’s sharper edge. Now that it was so easy to picture our big fat beautiful baby, it was also easier to picture them taking her from me; prodding and poking her, opening her chest, sedating her, all of the violent details sinking in leaving me feeling gutted.

I am the head of marketing for Portland Gay Men’s Chorus and we are embarking on a huge year for the company. Beijing Queer Chorus is coming to Portland for their first public performance in the U.S. and PGMC is headed to China in September as the first LGBTQ Chorus to tour there, ever. It’s a big deal because China isn’t exactly up to speed on equal rights when it comes to the gay community, (many members of the BQC still perform wearing masks to protect their identities) and the parallels of where they are today, and where the U.S. was in its early years of the company in the 1980’s are glaring. We are making a video to highlight those parallels and the historic significance of this year for the chorus. So I woke up last Saturday morning and had to go into work downtown to meet with the filmmaker and do the first batch of interviews, despite feeling cloaked with sadness. I knew it would be good to take my mind off things and get out of the house.

Gary was the first up in the interview chair and immediately launched into the raw realities of what it was like to be a gay man in the 70’s and 80’s in America. The unflinching history of being threatened constantly with violence, taught by his mother to walk less gay, losing scores of friends-that-had-become-family to AIDS (in the midst of being blamed for the epidemic) and the constant fight against all odds, just to live authentically. Harvey Milk told them to come out- come out to everyone you know despite what consequences it may bare because to live authentically is the only way to be free. Then they shot and killed him. The founding members made the conscious decision to put “Gay” in the organization name, despite how uncomfortable it made so many feel, because that’s who they were, that was the message they were spreading, and it required that for them, in the name of authenticity, to be acknowledged for who and what they really were. After a lifetime, and generations of suffering from being locked in a closet- so many had to learn by society widdling them down- to just say fuck it, and be their true selves at whatever cost. Anything else is prison.

I am so lucky that I love my job. A huge part of that I think is that I so deeply appreciate an environment with little to no bullshit. I found myself watching Gary’s interview feeling relieved and affirmed. Doing something bigger than yourself is always important for perspective, but doing something in the name of authenticity is imperative to human growth. While I completely understand not everyone is as extroverted as I am, I am confident in the ways I have chosen to handle this. To not be scared to talk about it.To be upfront with my experience and my feelings, despite trepidation of what others might think. If only for the hope that someone else out there- living with their own raw and real life situations, feeling trapped in their own closets, wearing their own kinds of masks to shield themselves from what society might think or do, that they might take comfort in knowing they’re not alone, either.

5 weeks til she is born.

ps- I would be remiss not to link to this concert. I will be in UT in the hospital with Iris- but if you're in Portland you should really go. March 17 & 18, Kaul Auditorium at Reed College. https://www.pdxgmc.org/concerts-tickets/

#CHD #chdawareness #pdxgmc #dilv

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