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friendofhayley · 4 years

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This one’s a little late because I’ve just started work again this month! Thank you again to all the fandom content creatures for giving us an escape. Here are the best fics I read in August and they’re all bangers. This rec includes 13 fics from the One Direction, Teen Wolf, and Umbrella Academy fandoms. The starred ones are fics I would drop in front of your door if I was your cat.

Larry (One Direction)

1. Naked Attraction by reader_chic_2 | reality tv au - Louis is basically a pixie dream guy - rock star Harry - true love - 12k

Louis Tomlinson was the only gay and unfortunate staff member chosen to step in for one of the six possible partners when someone dropped out. He hated working there, and he definitely didn't want to agree, but it was too good of an offer to be turned down. Nothing would come out of it, surely, and they even agreed to keep his identity a secret.

That all changed when famous singer Harry Styles walked out. Louis had no idea who he was, and Harry liked that about him.

2. thick alpha (series) by @eeveelou | a/b/o - Louis just wants to take care of his man and that includes kink hijinks - emotional hurt/comfort - chubby kink - 3+ parts

Louis loves Harry's body from the first moment he sees him. It takes Harry a little convincing to see what Louis sees.

3. *still feel the same around you* by @gaycousinlarry | this gave me cavities!! - out of order - girl direction - older Larry - 13k

Twenty-five years is a long time to fall in love with someone, to learn all the ways a person can fit into one's heart. It’s also an awful long time to lie to one of the most important people in your life.

Sterek (Teen Wolf)

4. Who Can Take the Sunshine (series) by Anonymous | fae Stiles - dad Derek - this is just so pure and can just take you out of any bad mood! - see how magic works - 12+ parts

It all starts when Derek and his five year old daughter meet Fairy Stiles at the market.

5. *Blood is (Not) Thicker Than Water* by Anxiety_Baker02 | tw: abusive extended family - BAMF Stiles - pining Derek - this WILL get you worked up - 78k

Stiles hasn’t seen his extended family in years- mostly because they’re assholes. His cousins bully him relentlessly, and his aunts and uncles aren’t much better. So when he hears that they’re coming out for a family reunion, he’s understandably upset. He knows the next week is going to be hell, and it’s made worse when a new pack shows up, vowing revenge on their pack.

6. Be still, my love (series) by tugela54 | werewolves are known and discriminated against - omega Stiles - pining - misunderstandings - 3 parts

When Stiles’ boss unexpectedly goes into rut, he offers himself to the lycan, knowing all too well how utterly terrifying it can be.

Will his gamble pay off, or ruin everything…?

Klave (The Umbrella Academy)

7. Like Real People Do (series) by ObliqueOptimism | yeah so Klaus self-harms himself to deafness - family bonding - good siblings communicate, who knew? - fluff and angst - 6+ parts

Vanya got a call from the hospital, Klaus had harmed himself while in rehab. She decided then and there to be there for him. Together they heal, grow, become the family they'd never been, and change the future in immeasurable ways.

8. And When I Look In My Window, So Many Different People To Be by ObliqueOptimism | witch Klaus - BAMF Klaus still has daddy issues - bless this author - the more ghosts you know - 24k

If you were to go looking for Klaus, you wouldn't look to the alleys where drugs are bought, or to a rave where you could lose yourself in dance, no. No, you would look to his garden full of protective herbs, to his bedroom at three in the morning where he tends to make magic amulets. Klaus grew into his power, both as a witch, and as the Séance.

9. Tombstones In Their Eyes by @siriuspiggyback | disabled Klaus - despite themselves this family can care! - hurt/comfort - angst with a happy ending - 12k

His siblings don't pay a lot of attention to Klaus, don't notice the dog tags and new tattoos, but even the Hargreeves have to notice a missing limb.

10. *Choirs Threaten in Voices I Only Feel* by @veteranklaus | hey veteranklaus? I’d die for you - blind Klaus - I love how this fic changes Harold Jenkins - Ben as a seeing eye ghost? perfection! - 61k

The last time Klaus saw his siblings was at Allison and Patrick's wedding. A lot had changed since then; including the not-so-accidental, irreversible loss of his sight.

There's no time to tell them that, though. Not with the return of their long-presumed-dead brother and the impending apocalypse. Plus, it doesn't matter. He's got Ben as a good seeing-eye ghost.

11. *Numbers (series)* by @veteranklaus | this series legit made me disocciate for a few days especially since I just finished The Accident by Wiesel - the Holocaust is a trigger warning - very dark - the writing is literally award-winning, like the research done? the empathy paid to the characters? god tier!! I’ve written several research papers on post/during-holocaust times and i just want to applaud you for the work you’ve done in writing this - 2+ parts

The briefcase transports Klaus into a time to fall in love with a bookshop owner and photography enthusiast with soft amber eyes and a yellow star sewn into all of his clothes. And later, Klaus will stand next to that same man behind a fence, and he'll hold his hands up to a camera and pray to a merciless god that his siblings open a history book and find him.

12. *At the Edge of the Universe* by @veteranklaus | this is turning into a veteranklaus rec post but i don’t care - this is the life Klaus and Dave deserved!!! - the gays are really winning today y’all - cottagecore but make it the 1970s - 58k+

There is a knock at the door. With a heavy sigh, Klaus untangles himself from the mess of Dave's limbs with a mutter of 'I've got it'. They rarely get visitors out here, their closest neighbour being about three miles away, and Klaus didn't even hear a car or see any headlights outside.

He opens his door, expecting to see old Mrs Richards asking for one of the dog treats they always keep for the occasions her dog runs off. He does not, however, expect to see his siblings - all of them, standing outside his door. Well, Five is being held up by Diego, and Vanya is being carried by Luther, but they are all there, on his doorstep, on this evening in 1970.

13. Counting Down The Days To Go by @siriuspiggyback | sick Klaus - sibling bonding - Klaus goes to therapy - there are some lines that just kick the breath out of you - 24k

It started off small. Easy to explain away. That was his downfall, in the end. By the time they diagnosed him, it was too late; the cancer had gotten a tight hold on his body.

Klaus wouldn't tell his siblings, not yet, no matter how much Ben begged him. He wanted to feel as normal as he could, for as long as he could.

#larry fic rec #sterek #the umbrella academy #klave #monthly fic recs #august #monthly reads #larrie hijinks #tua

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whattaloser · 3 years

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Why I’m a Leftist

I know I’m probably just some dude who reblogs cool stuff to most of my followers but I’ve got a nice long story/rant about my political beliefs here that I’ve been wanting to write for awhile

I am a leftist first and foremost because I value human life. Everyone matters. No person is inherently more important than another person. Everyone has inherent rights that should not be infringed. People who infringe on other’s rights are morally wrong to do so. In essence my leftism is based on doing what is right. Obviously everyone has their own opinion on what is right but what is vitally important is knowing why your moral code is right. This is why so many people become liberals or conservatives or otherwise rather than leftists. They simply do not know enough about how the world works. There are a lot of reasons they don’t know, not the least of which is intentional covering up history and preventing education. I don’t believe people who aren’t leftists are stupid, but I do believe leftists know more. It’s kinda fucked up but it’s the only way you can explain inconsistencies in other’s values.

My path to leftism was full of cringe. When i was 7 years old Al Gore was running against George Bush for president. I did not know enough to have a real opinion on it but I am happy to say that I wanted Al Gore to win. This thought was based on very little if any logical reason. I basically flipped a coin in my head I think. Or maybe there was some outside influence that I wasn’t aware of, like my older sister who I looked up to might have said she liked Al gore. Either way, from then on I was in favor of democrats and did not like George Bush. When 9/11 happened I remembered thinking how dumb it was that people lined up around the block to get gas. Even as a child I knew that some buildings going down wasn’t going to end the great nation of the United States. In general I thought the United States was a great country. I knew from movies and tv as well as elementary school history that the United States was the most powerful country in the world.

I recall in Sixth grade my teacher mentioned she liked George Bush because he was against gay marriage. Somehow at the time my opinion was the opposite despite being raised Catholic. I believed in god until I graduated high school and suddenly my desire to be religious slipped away and so did my belief. I do not consider this a great loss.

Sometime in middle school or early high school I had solidified my opinion that the war in Iraq and Afghanistan was pointless and George Bush was a bad president. I was heavily influenced by movies and somewhat by video games that had imparted plenty of anti-war messages. Talks with my dad about nuclear missiles, watching History channel shows about world war 2, and playing Metal Gear Solid which had explicit nuclear disarmament messages, all informed me on the horrors of war. This was not enough to make me totally anti-military. In high school I wanted to join the military because I thought it was an easy way to get life experience and eventually pay for college. I was attracted to the Marines because of how cool movies like The Rock and video games like Call of Duty made it seem to be a Marine. I thought they were the best of the best. I was simultaneously against war, against veteran worship, and very pro-military. I was indoctrinated by years of government propaganda but also disillusioned by all forms of media including the book All Quiet on the Western Front which was about a soldier becoming disillusioned by witnessing horrors of war and the negative impact it had on everyone in his country. I spoke with a recruiter during my senior year and expressed my desire to be a Marine but I told him I wanted to wait a year after high school so I could get physically fit enough. The recruiter did not care that I was underweight and out of shape. He didn’t even care that I was very enthusiastic about joining, he was still putting on his best salesman demeanor which made me incredibly uneasy. The experience is supposed to pressure people into signing up on the spot, I think they even had forms for me to sign (i can’t really remember though) but I was not ready and was aware enough how I was being manipulated although not entirely cognizant. After that I no longer wanted to be in the military.

I also have to point out that I grew up in an unstable household. My parents were both loving but they were flawed and made mistakes and had problems. My dad was a typical Gen x man’s man. A little bit too emotionally repressed, but actually really good with kids when it came to play time and still is. He worked a lot because my mother couldn’t. My mother has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder as long as I can remember. Her medical bills related to her problems combined with other financially bad decisions by my parents caused my home life to be fraught. I lived in varying degrees of poverty until my parents separated and me and my siblings moved with my mother to her parents’ house away from my father. Prior to moving though, we endured great financial difficulty. We were unable to afford school lunches but could not apply for free or reduced lunches because technically my father made a lot of money, however it was all garnished for medical bills. My father always tells about how he bought a car that had hidden frame damage and when he attempted to sue the dealership for selling a bad car he lost and was garnished for that as well. Despite making over 25 dollars an hour in 1999, my father could not afford school lunches for three kids and couldn’t afford to pay the gas bill. Without going into too much more detail, life sucked and continued to suck until I graduated, at least financially. I still found plenty of joy and it wasn’t always that bad. We still found ways to have good things like video games and we could always rewatch old movies but there’s a lot of psychic weight that comes with being that poor as a child and I’m sure it affects me and my ability to empathize with others who in bad conditions.

So i watched a lot of movies and documentaries, read a lot of books growing up, discovered internet forums at the age of 11, played video games, moved to a town that had a very large Hispanic population, and I even grew up poor. All of this life experience turned me into a very average liberal upon graduating high school. I was a very optimistic 18 year old. I thought science could save the world. If I was 18 today I would be an average redditor stereotype probably. The point here though is I still wasn’t a leftist. Only vaguely progressive and full of optimism. This is when I got sucked into the anti-feminist pipeline.

I can’t remember what exactly what I had going on in my life but I remember it was around the time of Gamergate. Everyone on the internet, celebrities, and pop culture were saying “if you believe in equality between genders you’re a feminist” an did not like that. And there was a ton of people online to tell me I was right in not liking that. They all said feminism was not necessary anymore because legally you couldn’t discriminate against women and I agreed. Gamergate made it worse for reasons too complicated to get into in this already long post but suffice it say I was “pro Gamergate.” This put me at odds with my closes friends who thought feminism was great and had no qualms with it, and were already embracing the idea of being a “social justice warrior.” Despite reading all kinds of anti-feminist think pieces and reveling in the discourse, I was still very progressive and liberal minded person. Still thought the military was bad, that black people were discriminated against etc. But so many aspects of anti-feminism were appealing to me as a white guy who tried their hardest to do what they’re told is right, had low self esteem, undiagnosed adhd and depression, and a fundamental misunderstanding of what feminism was. Two things got me out of anti-feminism though. The first and most important thing was having friends who were patient with me about it. I didn’t reveal how into anti-feminism I was because I was ashamed but they could sense it and pushed back when they could. The second thing that got me out of it was actually finding feminists online and reading what they had to say, staying away from poorly written clickbait articles that fueled misogynist tirades against feminism. After reading and learning from feminists it finally clicked. Our society is patriarchal and that affects how people interact with each other regardless of what is legal. Many of the complaints of anti-feminism talk about how men have it in society, so how can society be patriarchal. It’s because of patriarchy that men are put in bad positions. Some of the more self aware anti-feminists had retorts against these ideas but they were emotionally charged. There’s still some anti-feminists I have respect for because of how well prepared and logical they were when it came to disputing feminism. But when it came down to the fundamental tenants of feminsim all they could respond with was anger or outright denial of reality. (If you’re like I was and don’t understand how anyone can thing modern feminism is good please feel free to ask me more, I just can’t get into specifics in this long ass post) Anyways, once you understand patriarchy and how it affects an individuals actions then you can start seeing how other institutions and cultural norms can affect an individual. This is basically fundamentals of leftism. I’d say about 90% of my path to leftism was just naturally absorbing cultural and historical information through consumption of media. The most conservative people I know are people who haven’t read very many books or seen very many movies. I’m not saying watching Austin Powers at the age of 10 will make everyone a leftist but constantly recontextualizing the world by learning something new, even if you learned it from some dumb comedy movie, can give you better grounding in a shared reality. Don’t know how to end this but I want to say when I was a teenager I thought “communism is good in theory but it doesn’t work in practice” and I had almost no historical basis for it other than the vague notion that USSR = bad despite having consumed a massive amount of media. None of it taught me what communism actually was, I didn’t know who Karl Marx was, and I had no clue why communism in the USSR failed. You can know a lot without knowing the truth so if you’re struggling with a loved one who is mind poisoned by conservative keep in mind that they know a lot but they’re missing something important to give clarity.

This has been my Ted Talk

#rambling #rant #Leftism #Conservative #feminism #anti feminism #Communism #Media #I definitely did not accomplish what I wanted to with this lol #Someone please clap #uwu

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rosyyeols · 5 years

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helloooo @sweet-teeth-mfs tagged me a while ago to answer some q’s!

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Studying probably, also the 10 billion films I’m trying to watch

2. What makes your day better?

A hug from my best friend

3. What’s the best thing to happen to you today?

My final was EASY. Easy peasy. Got it in the bag

4. What fictional place would you like to go to?

Edie said the smut world, which is absolutely ingenious and incredible, so I’ll take two of those

5. Are you good at giving advice?

No, not really :/

6. Do you have any mental illness?

I’ve never been officially diagnosed with anything so I’m gonna say no but I underwent a really rough patch a couple of years ago that involved undergoing testing for anxiety, and that’s all I really want to say about that.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

A couple of times I think

8. What musician inspired you the most?

Tchaikovsky and Shostakovich! They’re really incredible musicians

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yeah and it was really unfortunate

10. What’s your dream date?

Oh god I have three.

1. A day at the amusement park, riding all the rollercoasters and feeding each other cotton candy, maybe kissing by the pier (there’s a very specific amusement park I have in mind for this)

2. A night stroll down a really nice square or an old-town kind of place, just window shopping and holding hands and chatting.

3. Movie night with tons of blankets, complete with multiple lazy makeout sessions and falling asleep on the couch.

11. What do others notice about you?

Uhhh probably my weird ass teeth or my acne. Or probably my laugh because it’s super loud

12. What is an annoying habit you have?

I’m kind of a flake. I’ve been getting a lot better about it but my social anxiety used to be super super bad and I wouldn’t go anywhere or cancel at the last second

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

No because I don’t waste my time on assholes

14. How many exes do you have?

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Oh god. I have very many little playlists but my whole library is probably 12+ hours

16. What instruments can you play?

Violin and ukulele, and a teensy bit of piano

17. What do you have the most pictures of?

Screenshots and quick pics of my notes LOL other than that probably selfies

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Paris! And I’m probably going to in the next few years because my best friend in moving there in December

19. What is your zodiac?

Gemini

20. Do you relate to it?

No. I connect more with Cancer

21. What is happiness to you?

Wanting to wake up in the morning

22. Are you going through anything right now?

Just exams, really. Had a bit of a falling out with a friend but whatever/

23 What’s the worst decision you ever made?

Genuinely believe it’s taking a certain class that I have a final project due for next week. Barely started. :)

24. What’s your favorite store?

This boba place (instagram peeps know it as my sadness cafe)

25. What’s your opinion on abortion?

I will never have one but the act of having one is a choice that only the woman can make and should be respected and carried out safely

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

I do one year to year, but not really a huge “Before I Die” list.

27. Do you have a favorite album?

Atlas: Space by Sleeping at Last is my alltime

28. What do you want for your birthday?

A new laptop pls this one is taking its dying breaths

29. What are most people’s first impression of you?

A lot of people think I’m really shy and once I talk a lot of people think I’m super kind. Which is like... not entirely untrue but I say ‘fuck’ a lot and talk about sex and I’m not sure how synonymous those traits are with ‘kind’

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

I’ve heard 18-20, which is about right

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Literally right next to me

32. What word do you say the most?

Probably... fuck. Or ‘like’.

33. What’s the oldest age you would date?

Uh to be honest like 10 years older than me

34. What’s the youngest age you would date?

One year younger than me is the furthest I’ll go

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you?

I’ve always been told something in the general therapy area or a writer

36. What’s your favorite music genre?

Definitely pop or r&b

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

I’ve been in the US my whole life and can’t imagine being anywhere else, but France is looking like a nice option right about now

38. What is your current favorite song?

I’d have to say the whole new Billie Eilish album, ‘The Killing Kind’ by Marianas Trench, and ‘In Case You Don’t Live Forever’ by Ben Platt

39. How long have you had this blog for?

Since December

40. What are you excited for?

Summer and writing smut again!

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

Listener definitely

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Study

43. What do you want for Christmas?

Is money an acceptable answer?

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

Anything having to do with English and History

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now?

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years?

God I hope I’m a psychiatrist and I’m having sex on the regular

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

I was fourteen

48. What age do you want to get married?

God, I don’t know. Late 20s?

29. What career did you want to have as a child?

Actress

50. What do you crave right now?

Sleep. And a movie.

Not sure who’s done it but I’ll tag @junemyeon @yeoldontknow @whitenoise-exo @suhoerections and anyone who’s followed me within the past month! I wanna get to know yall, sorry I’ve been absent.

#tag game

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scullyeffect · 6 years

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how do you feel about younger people in fandom? like the youngest side that are probably on tumblr i.e 13/14ish?

i don’t know if you mean in the x-files fandom, or just younger people getting involved into fandom stuff online nowadays so i’m just going to go with a generalization.

i’m nobody’s mother and interests are healthy, and honestly i’m 23 so i don’t know anything about anything yet, but i will say that i live with a 15 y/o girl, a 13 y/o girl, and an 11 y/o girl, and i find myself very sad when all they want to do is go on a phone and watch youtube videos and be online instead of doing something more creative or intellectual.

we had a birthday party for 11 last night, and we had to take phones away from like six 10-11 year olds, which is ridiculous. i do understand that we live in a big city (paris, which isn’t exactly the safest) and lots of kids do things independently (walk to school, walk to friends’ houses, take the métro) so sometimes i worry about 11 (who doesn’t have a phone) if she needs to take the métro alone or walk somewhere alone, and i wish she did have some way to reach me if ever she got lost or something, but 11 is so young.

i think in a world that’s become so increasingly digitized and almost making it necessary to be connected in some way, kids are growing up faster, and some of the posts online and on tumblr talk about things they might not understand yet, and cause them to form opinions based on a text post some 18 y/o wrote. i’m even guilty of this. i’ll get too lazy to keep up with the real world and get my politics from tumblr sometimes, and that’s probably not good, even though mainstream news sources can do the same thing. my mom worked for the washington post, and that’s pretty much the only place i get my news from.

i probably got my first tumblr account when i was 15, and honestly i regret it. i was a pretty sheltered kid/teenager who really enjoyed reading, doing art, writing, and watching sad european dramas about dead sovereigns and suffering artists. i somehow discovered pro-ana blogs (blogs that share and encourage eating disorders to the point where healthy people can begin to actively attempt to follow insane tips in order to lose weight), and since i actually had been having trouble with my own eating habits but never really known that those behaviors were bizarre, i self-diagnosed and was part of that “community” for awhile.

i was interested/ in love with lots of actors and actresses, and as i made it out of kind of the pro-ana area which i realized which was unhealthy lol i found out about stan culture and just real obsession with movie stars/celebrities. when i was a younger teen i was “obsessed” with meryl streep, which at that time meant that i watched all her films repeatedly. i didn’t realize people cared about the actors/actresses’ personal lives until i got on tumblr, and at the time it was really exciting to discover things about my favorite celebrities (i mean, being a fan of someone obviously isn’t new, but it was to me). now that i’m 23 i find it very invasive and somewhat creepy that we’re so interested in someone’s life, sometimes even more than their body of work. we’ll probably never meet that person, and if we do they’re not going to think about you or remember you forever, because there are thousands of other people out there who feel the same way, and they just can’t keep track (at least the huge stars).

on the flip side, i think it’s good to have role models and people to look up to, but sometimes there’s a thin line there. i’m blonde, but i dyed my hair brown in my first year of high school because i was obsessed with marion cotillard and wanted to look like her. i kept the brown throughout high school because i liked it, and sort of forgot i ever did it because of her, but now i’m blonde again and it looks so much better haha. ALSO i got really interested in france/speaking french because of her (and juliette binoche), although i had a fantastic and enthusiastic french teacher in high school to help fuel my desire to speak french. and now i’m fluent in french and live in france. wow. so, if there are people you look up to in the public eye and they’re influencing you in positive ways, that’s great! i do get suspicious when very influential celebrities share their political views, though. i think we have a tendency to follow in people’s footsteps either subconsciously or in full awareness. that could be in any field. i like certain authors, and sometimes my own writing is heavily influenced by their work. it’s a natural thing that happens. but voting really should be an informed decision...just my opinion.

let’s talk about “just my opinion”. online bullying is real and can sometimes be rampant if there are dividing views on someone and their perceived private life. for example, in the x-files fandom we will, for the most part, absolutely convince you that mulder and scully are fucking like bunnies, when the show’s own creator won’t lol. but there are also people who think that gillian anderson and david duchovny (the leads) were/are/could be at some point in a romantic relationship with each other. they (anderson and duchovny) even cater to the fans a bit, but at the end of the day that’s their business and they don’t owe us an explanation, and a lot of people in fandom sort of act like they do. the point of this example was that because people in fandom are divided about this point of view, if you talk about one side or the other, there are some people who will come at you and say mean things for not agreeing with you, and try to convince you of a truth they have no real authority to speak about. this is obviously just an example, but online bullying is rampant and is often taken personally and can really affect the person being bullied, especially someone younger who may or may not be already facing that in real life at school lol.

i think tumblr is a good place for people who suffer from mental illness to come together in a healthy way to talk through their problems (god i hope i’m telling the truth), and there’s definitely tons of awareness and support that you’ll get on tumblr that you may not find in the real world. for example, i don’t know anyone irl who has epilepsy who i can talk to about mine. on tumblr i’ve talked with people who understand what i’m going through. i think that self diagnosis online, just as much on tumblr as it is when i cough and search “signs of throat cancer or tuberculosis’, read up on web md, and immediately fear my days might be numbered, is a problem. on tumblr i think we’re introduced to concepts and can sometimes treat mental illness lightly, when it shouldn’t. if you’re suffering from a mental illness, the online world isn’t going to be the place that can completely help you (says the girl who refuses to go to therapy and instead complains online about how she’s not getting any better).

being online immediately takes us out of life and into a different world. we become observers instead of experiencing the world. there’s good stuff about observation, but being online and attached to a website that is more or less just a vice for people will often make us choose to be on our phones instead of doing stuff in real life.

all of these points being said, i’m guilty of a lot of the “bad/unhealthy” facets of tumblr, but as i’ve “grown up” (unfortunately still staying on tumblr for a good portion of that time) i’ve grown out of a lot of these things and can see the good and the bad that the online world has to offer, and know which parts to stay away from. i can recognize that spending too much time on here does nothing for my desire to stay inside and not experience the real world. it also makes me think a lot more about tv shows/films/celebrities than i need to. but i’ve also made great friends from being on tumblr over the years, and gotten support i definitely wouldn’t have gotten in real life.

back to my real life. do i encourage the girls i live with to be interested in certain media? yes, especially stuff i feel has a good message. i basically sat the two older ones down and showed them the pilot of the x-files. do they experience the same high level obsession i do with tv shows/movies? no. and i’m glad for that. they like to lose themselves in certain tv shows, but when the tv is off they don’t really talk about it. do i introduce them to things i’m interested in media-wise? yes. do i introduce them to books and music i was/am interested in? yes. have i told them about tumblr? no. they don’t have any access to my online “presence” (they don’t know my instagram, twitter, etc), and i don’t talk about it. when my computer is out and they’re in the room doing homework, i’m usually writing. granted, that’s usually fanfiction, but at least i’m writing something.

one of the boys i tutor is writing a book (he’s 11) which is basically a self insert that takes place in the harry potter universe. he doesn’t know what fanfiction is, and i haven’t told him (although he’d never type it up and put it online lol he barely knows how to turn the computer on), but i’m so thrilled he’s even writing that i make him sit down and write for 10 minutes before we ever start watching a movie (in english).

ANYWAY. i’m nobody’s mother and at the end of the day i’m posting this online on my stupid blog where nothing i say matters or has any influence anywhere, but i think kids should be able to enjoy a non-internet related childhood as long as possible. some of us on tumblr are old enough to actually have children that age, and as much as we like having an account on this site, if asked this same question we might not as readily say ‘yeah it’s great! i want my teenagers to have the same experience as me!’

there’s my two centimes. hope i answered your question. JuST MY OPINION.

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ofhowls · 6 years

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WANTED CONNECTIONS ! below you’ll find a list of wanted connections, please fill them before i commit sewer-side. if you wanna talk, you wanna discuss – send me a message on discord ( jayden#7437 ) ! okay, that’s all.

alvarez, odette – quick summary: twenty-nine, cancer, has a daughter ( ava: played by lane ), engaged ( nicolas: played by pj ), is a florist because life’s a joke, kind of hot-headed, has a messy past we don’t talk about, would beat someone up 10/10, don’t test her, drives an ugly pick-up truck ( bella’s from twilight, don’t ask ) and owns a fluffy kitten named mango.

plot one – mother: long story short, her mom was around 16 when she had her ( would now be in her mid 40′s ), was a prostitute who didn’t care and was all around a trash human being. odette moved into foster homes before she turned 6 and she was in and out of them throughout her entire childhood. when odette had ava, however, she moved back in. and their relationship turned messier real fast. she moved back out at eighteen and has been staying away from her mom ever since. her mom only ever contacts her for money, she’s that bitch. fc could be salma hayek, but any mexican fc in that age range is a1.

plot two – sister from another mister: odette lived on the street in her teens, often running away from foster homes because they were GROSS. i want someone from her past in sheffield. i really, really want their relationship to have been like them kiddos in the movie thirteen ( 2003 ), you know? like hella ride or die but also toxic af. fc doesn’t matter but white people are gross so a person of colour, mayhaps? they’d be either her age or older, and obviously a womf because she hates men.

* NEW ! plot three – butler: look, she’s marrying rich and i’ve already established that she’s best buds with the butler. he’s old, he’s nice, they’re just having a good time together. all that i know about him is … just that, cool! he’s worked with the talbots for ages so, you get like +3484 plots with this one. do it, i beg of you. jeremy irons is a snack and so is jeff goldblum. think about it.

apolskis, julian – quick summary: twenty, leo, has had cancer come and go since he was 10, is a bit of an asshole, its a defence mechanism though, lost his leg a year ago, has a sister ( kitty: played by lane ), currently dating ( micah: played by patty ), is in a band, plays drums, has a deadbeat dad that his mom sends fake happy bday cards from.

plot one – father: basically, back in the good old days ( about 11 years ago ), julian and his family lived in seattle. living their best life. and then, he got diagnosed with cancer. in came the bills and his father split. he’s been out of their lives ever since, not really giving a hot diddly darn about his son – or the rest of the family, not that i care about them. he’d be in his mid 40′s or older by now. any white male fc would work but hugh dancy is dear to me.

* NEW ! plot two – hospital buddy: give me a friend for this motherfricker, okay? someone who might be sick, too. someone who’s been at the hospital with him, someone who knows that struggle of DYING. you feel me? this person can literally be 80 years old, i don’t care! as long as they’ve spent some time in care with my boy, maybe even roomed with him, it’s all good.

atkins, scarlett – quick summary: nineteen, gemini, mother’s a dead socialite, father is an alive asshole, used to smang her step-brother ( milo: played by pj ) before he ditched her, was kind of the queen bee before she ghosted on all her “friends” for a fancy college, got kicked out of said college for an adderall addiction, is now at rock bottom and forced to hang with the losers, super manipulative and selfish, kind of got a rough exterior.

plot one – old friend: i really want someone who used to be friends with her either before she became miss popular or before they graduated. either way, she would’ve ditched them for bigger and better. i want beef, i want dramas – i want this bitch to suffer. before she hung with the it crowd she was a freaking mathlete, so don’t you forget it. honestly, cady heron is SHAKING. i say as i stole it from lindsay weir, whatever. she was also a cheerleader in her later years, if that helps. i’m very cliche. they’d be like nineteen, and preferably a womf but i’m not picky.

* NEW ! plot two – father: all you gotta know about ray atkins, is that he’s garbage. he’s a rich bitch, the richest damn dude in town, and he cares approximately NOT AT ALL about his daughter. he’s constantly going back and forth between pushing her to achieve things and not acknowledging her presence. it’s a hard knock life. rape tw // there was also an instance where scout experienced assault at a party and he blamed her for drinking, so … not the nicest. on top of that, he doesn’t allow scout to speak french in the house ( her mother was french, uwu ), and that’s MEAN. anyways, any white/puerto rican man in his 40′s and up will work.

baek, wolfgang – quick summary: thirty-five, capricorn, loves horror films and has made quite a few, dad is a famous director ( bigger in korea than the states ), has triplets because his dick is that powerful, went from mr. friend zone to mr. i’m sorry i gave you three babies at once, sort-of-dating ( ziba: played by patty ) really talkative and amazing, works at blockbuster because that’ll support a family, am i right, lads?

plot one – work pal: he’s at work a lot, ok? and he needs friends. it’s a win/win. i need someone for him to do stupid work stuff with, make working a fun experience! i want a squad like in chuck, you know? if you don’t know what i’m talking about then superstore, if you still don’t know what i’m talking about then why are you still here? age don’t matter but i would prefer if they were close in age. gender, who cares. bye.

plot two – partner in crime: basically, he makes a lot of indie flicks. he actually only moved to sheffield to work on a screenplay but… it’s been a while. i need someone who makes movies with him, though. a co-director or someone he keeps casting as the lead because bros, ok? once again, preferably close in age, gender doesn’t matter.

* NEW ! plot three – cousin: i mean, hewwo? most of his extended family is back in korea, but – but – i could imagine his aunt or uncle would’ve moved to the us shortly after his parents did. so, a cousin would be neat! someone his age, someone he can talk to about childhood stuff, someone who understands his unspoken rivalry with his father, someone to babysit his kids. they would’ve lived in florida after moving to the us, thirty and up and preferably a dude. i like dudes. but a woman would work as well. not to mention, half or fully korean!

bellefleur, kipling – quick summary: forty-eight, capricorn, born and raised in louisiana, has two kids he don’t know about ( lucia: played by britt, jude: played by patty ), a cop at the police station, lives alone with no pets because god hates him, got a partner ( elliot: played by lane ) but not in the gay way, unfortunately heterosexual, kinda grumpy, kinda just annoyingly white.

* NEW ! plot one – hook-up: kip is a sexual being, believe it or not! and sometimes, a mans need a nut bust. he’s a great lover, i swear. but he’s not a great mans when it comes to the romantics. he does have two kids he don’t know of, after all. just give me someone he visits late at night, ignores in public and have fake deep convos with whilst sharing a cigarette in bed. really painting a picture here, aren’t i? unlike other fathers in this town, he has no interest in sleeping with someone his child’s age, so –– thirties and up!

cheung, beatrice – quick summary: twenty-five, aries, middle school teacher, a big fucking lesbian, dating ( kaylee: played by patty )super sociable and outgoing, literally loves partying and hanging out with the youths, self-proclaimed big sister to just about every teen out there, works part-time as a waitress at the diner, used to be engaged but we don’t talk about that, foster kid with no connection to blood-related family.

plot one – coworker: someone at the diner! just someone to have her back, to gossip with, to hang out with after shifts, to just be gal pals with, you know? she needs more gal pals. i love throwing movie references in there, but – think whiplash with ellen page. that kind of aesthetic, that kinda shit. from mid to late twenties, a woman because i don’t care for men.

plot two – pseudo-sibling: i want her to really play the big sister role with someone! have a little baby she can pass all her heaux wisdom down on. just a wee bean that she considers a little sibling of sorts. she could even house them for a bit since she’s back to living alone! they’d have to be in their teens and gender, once again, does not matter!

* NEW ! plot three – foster sibling: she already has like fifteen, so give her another. tris is probably the youngest among the bunch and owen ( played by fanny ) is somewhere in the middle. it’s just a nice jewish household that fostered a lot kids, cool? any fc, any ethnicity, any gender! just older than twenty-five, is all i’m asking. neat, thank you for coming to my ted talk.

cowell, stefan – quick summary: twenty-nine, scorpio, construction worker, married ( lumen: played by pj ), got a little sister who he always fights with ( arella: played by kt, whenever she returns to us ), hates dogs, kind of a prick, a huge prick actually, sort of running from the law but like on the low-key, always 100% done with just about everyone’s shit.

plot one – work buddy: like i said, he works construction. and i want him to have one friend. like a singular friend. someone to grab a beer with, someone who he doesn’t wanna strangle. it’ll be a miracle but it’s a miracle i deserve damnit. they’d have to be in their late twenties or older, a dude and any fc.

plot two – neighbour: it sounds like a basic plot, but i promise you – it’s worth it! i want him to have a god damn family feud plot going on, okay? i want them to fight, i want neighbours ( 2013 ) as a plot on tumblr dot com. i want him to hate them and i want them to hate him. fc don’t matter! gender don’t matter! preferably around his age or older, though.

halonen, oliver – quick summary: thirty, aquarius, part-time mechanic, part-time bartender ( think coyote ugly because that’s hot ), used to be engaged ( marty: played by tasha ), got a fake daughter ( pauline: played by pj ), has some slight drug issues she’s working out atm, also her dad’s back from the dead ( uriah: played by lane ), she’s super nice and cute and you should all love her sarcastic ass.

plot one – work friend: i feel like i just want everyone to have coworkers, but listen… i genuinely just do. either someone that works as a mechanic alongside her or another bartender who sometimes uses their bod for tips, it’s all good. i want her to have one friend her own god damn age, you know? they’d have to be a gal because men are smelly. age would be around her own and that’s it!

plot two – dealer: listen… drugs come from somewhere. and even if she’s not currently using, i’d love for her to have that dynamic. maybe she owes them money, we can make it hella messy or we can make them chill pals, idc! i just need her dealer her and i need them to push some drugs. plus it’s a buy one get one for free type of deal ( see my plots for ed further down ). i want them to be a little older than herself but other than that it’s free for interpretation.

* NEW ! plot three – drug bud: this bitch is from texas and this bitch did a lot of drugs in texas. she spent her early twenties high as fuck, overdosed at 24 and then got clean. legend? yes. she’s got a lot of good influences, aside from one particular asshole, and i just want her to be more pulled into old habits! let her have some friends from her old life of criminality and drugs come to sheffield and shake things up. any fc and gender, though they’d have to be in their 30′s!

hodgins, nathaniel – quick summary: twenty-one, gemini, works as chef at the pub, skipped college to help his mama with the bills, got a cutie-patootie golden retriever, dad is in prison after a drunk driving accident that killed a 10 year old, moved to sheffield a few years ago for a fresh start, a big ass home of sexual, has a crush on a comp het ( vince: played by pj ), loves his mother more than anything, only child, conceals trauma with humour and bad puns.

* NEW ! plot one – ex-something: now, i’m not saying they dated. i’m saying they hooked up and it never lead anywhere. it can be angsty, it can be fine, it can be a garbage fire. we can work out the details whenever, i’m cool like that. any fc and any gender, though preferably in their early twenties!

holstad, damian – quick summary: eighteen, aries, the biggest fuccboi you’ve ever laid your eyes upon, fucked your girlfriend ( and he meant it ), brother to the biggest loser in town ( lou: played by tasha ), parties every weekend, best friends with the second biggest fuccboi in town ( artemus: played by nico ), kinda soft but he won't ever let you know that, has a crush on his brother’s bff ( pauline: played by pj ).

plot one – ex-girlfriend: it’s simply unrealistic that he hasn’t dated at least one of the fifty bazillion girls he’s smanged. now, it’s probable they didn’t last more than a few months but its still a plot I NEED. she’d be either a junior or senior in high school right now. so, either graduating now or next year. face claim don’t matter. it’s possible he cheated, he’s an asshole like that.

* NEW ! plot two – more fuccpeople: at this point, i’m collecting them. there are a bunch of fuccbois in damian’s life right now, and i need there to be more. there needs to be a whole fracking pack of them. just running around town, smanging ladies and taking names. could’ve played football with him, could’ve graduated with him, could’ve just lived next door – i dunno! around eighteen… a boy, or a girl! fuccgirls are VALID too.

kinney, sawyer – quick summary: twenty, sagittarius, volunteers at animal shelter, studying to become a vet, loves animals more than she’ll ever love a man, has a rescued bunny named waffles, her parents died in a car-crash we don’t talk about it, has a younger brother ( grayson: played by patty ), soccer is her life, also wanna fuck the soccer coach ( elliot: played by lane ), her first ‘kiss’ was a dare at age 5 with her cousin ( holden: played by pj ) for an ice cream, did i mention she loves animals, takes virginities for charity, happened once but i demand its a thing now, boinking mr edgelord ( quentin: played by pj ).

plot one – team mates: soccer is cool! soccer is for champions! she’s currently the team captain of the local all-girls soccer team, i know – such a title. and i want her to have more of a team. so gather up your gals in their late teens to early twenties and kick some balls around!

plot two – ex-boyfriend: before she swiped virginities and had sex with boys who love serial killers, she probably had a steady boyfriend. kind of a puppy-love-they’ll-probably-get-married-straight-out-of-high-school relationship, you know? they probably broke up because they were way too young and it was more of an availability thing rather than genuine attachment. does that make sense? it’s a small town! their parents probably loved their child’s respective partner than they loved each other. 20-22, any boy of any fc i’m not picky.

* NEW ! plot three – enemy: it’s a hard plot to ask for, but i request you hear me out. she never fights with anyone. she’s SO NICE. a walking mary sue, i swear. and she’s just friends with everyone. it’s boring! give me someone that gets under her skin! someone for her to absolutely fucking hate! for no reason or for a reason, idk! around twenty-one, any gender.

larsen, margaret – quick summary: forty-two, libra, has one terrible son ( teddy: played by lane ), though she loves him more than anything, left the country because she was a hoe, mortician, got knocked up by her professor that one time, kind of boinking her son’s bandmate ( holden: played by pj ), doing her best all the time but keeps on making mistakes, the biggest mama-bear you’ll ever stumble upon.

plot one – ex-hook-up: listen, she left the states to study in the uk – mostly to get away from her parents – but also because she had a bit of a reputation. like, a really bad one. so if you have a character, or want to play a character, that grew up in sheffield and are in their forties… wink wonk. that’s it. that’s the plot.

* NEW ! plot two – hater, hater: peggy was a skank in her youth, okay? she was a downright slut and she probably rubbed a lot of people the wrong way. she most likely still does! so, i want some judgmental hoes up in this bitch. i want them to bicker and i want it to be very small-town-desperate-housewives-esque. any lady. preferably around her age range, would’ve lived in sheffield all her life.

* NEW ! plot three – best friend: peggy only ever speaks to kids, it’s weird. give her. bud, and like i said above… desperate housewives is a fucking neat ass show. they can drink wine and they can gossip and they can judge her for the people she’s sleeping with. or, well, person. any woman in her 40′s, please and thank.

mullin, casper – quick summary: fifteen, aries, fucking love aliens, the government is lying to y’all, has got a whole ass squad of friends, kinda gay for one of them ( eli: played by pj ), kinda intimidated by another ( ava: played by lane ), if it wasn't obvious he’s a gay, has a pupper that means the world to him, always investigates creepy shit because he is that white person.

plot one – disgraced nuclear physicist: you heard me. basically just the plot of back to the future. someone a bit ( a lot ) older than casper himself that kinda takes him under their wing. they’re as nutty as him when it comes to conspiracy theories, and maybe they feed his ideas and stuff when it comes to the shit going on in town. please and thank you.

pearce, minoo – quick summary: twenty-one, aquarius, the biggest of edgelords, expert in stick n poke tattoos, hates her family, loves their big ass dog, a military brat, skated pretty much everywhere because she’s a walking cliche, not anymore though cause her bff broke it ( vince: played by pj ), invented grunge, would kill herself for the lead singer of zero boys, wants her mom to die ( rachel: played by lane ), wants the cop who's trying to get in her pants to die even more ( sera: played by tasha ), almost dropped out of high school fifty times but i forgot to make it canon.

* NEW ! plot one – enemy: i love enemies. anyways, mj is a fucking bitch. she’s so edgy, she’s not like other girls, and she definitely would end up in a fight with just about anybody. there’s no way in HECK there aren’t people in town who hate her guts. they could’ve gone to college with her, they could’ve gone to high school with her, i dunno! i just want her to FIGHT. preferably a girl, preferably in her age range.

oswalt, kevin – quick summary: nineteen, virgo, had the most tumultuous of childhoods involving both kidnapping and murder, she doesn’t talk about it, has sort-of-a-boyfriend ( jamie: played by pj ), and a definitely best friend ( pippa: played by lane ), currently living with her father ( dalton: played by britt ) without the knowledge that she’s his daughter, her life is messy, she likes books and writing, thinks sheffield is kinda fascinating, the biggest of nerds, kinda awkward but we forgive her.

plot one – brother: we already have her father, mother ( marion: played by nesh ), and two sisters ( lila: played by luna, and hazel: played by fanny ), and now all that’s missing is the second youngest kid! he’d be like 21 years old, white with blue eyes because that’s a trait near and dear to us, and … a dude-bro. we have this hc that he’s in a band and kinda just does his own thing. free-spirit. also, to summarise the family history REAL QUICK – you can ask for more deets – kev got kidnapped, family fell apart, marion and dalton got divorced, the kids chose sides, markus ( the brother ) chose to stay neutral, they moved away while dalton stayed, and now they’re all back.

plot two – study pal: not quite as in-depth as the one above, but! she needs a study pal. she’s currently attending the local college and she has zero friends who actually go to school. give me someone for her to work on stupid projects with, someone she’s forced to get to know and get out of her comfort zone with. they’d be 19-20 and fc/gender has no importance.

sutton, eduardo – quick summary: fifty-two, taurus, literal fucking drug-lord, gang leader, owns the silhouette bar outside of town, loves his daughter a lot ( carmen: played by britt ), never smoked a weed in his life, jk, lost his wife a bazillion years ago, now banging the woman who failed save her ( lorelai: played by patty ), has three dogs which he kinda loves more than his daughter, killed a lot of mens in his life, just all around a good dude.

plot one – brother: ed comes from an cuban-catholic family from new orleans and his father was kind of an asshole but his mom was alright. however, he was always closest to his little brother. so please, for the love of god, play him. you’ll get to play an uncle if you do, it’s pretty hot. any cuban fc in their late forties would work, but raul esparza is a hot fucking take.

plot two – gang members: he’s a gang leader, ok? he needs more to lead. they hang out at the silhouette bar, push drugs through town and are all around just a good group of people. give me all of them to be honest. think the southside serpents from riverdale. or whatever they’re called in sons of anarchy. fc and gender and stuff don’t matter, however – ed would never allow someone under twenty-five. he’s a family man.

talbot, mikhail – quick summary: thirty, pisces, the softest boy you’ll ever meet, a nurse at the local hospital, got a kid on the way, dating a ginger bitch ( liza: played by pj ), best friends with his cousin ( nic: also played by pj ), best friends with his ex ( emma: played by lane and not pj ) coaches the kids football team during his spare time, also works a couple of shifts at his father’s ( robert: played by luna ) hardware store, really just genuinely fucking nice, kinda depressed but you’d never know.

plot one – high school friends: he’s lived in sheffield his whole life. he was on the football team, he was popular – he was a fun dude to hang with. it’s unrealistic none of his high school friends stuck around. so! give me a couple of those. they can be anybody as long as they’re around thirty years old.

plot two – kids to coach: self-explanatory, really. but if you want to play a kid on the football team, speak now or forever hold your peace. teens, boys probably because sports ball is sexist, just someone for him to coach and teach the way of sports ball life.

weathers, elizabeth – quick summary: forty-two, sagittarius, freaking neurotic, forgets her own son ( eli: played by pj ), remembers her other every now and again ( jesse: played by nico ), wishes she could forget her husband ( andy: played by lane ), her bestest and smallest son was taken from her almost two years ago, yes this plot came before she was winona ryder don’t judge me, stay at home mom yet has no reason to stay at home.

* NEW ! plot one – emotional support: the woman lost her son, she needs like a mom support group on facebook. she needs someone who understands her loss. maybe someone who’s lost their own kid, obviously not to a giant bunny, but it’d still be kind of relatable. someone she can discuss her divorce plans with, you know? a woman in her forties, i’ll accept nothing else.

#all posts / ooc.

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customarycreate · 6 years

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I was tagged by @awfullybigwardrobe44 and @nothinggold13

answer these questions and tag 20 people.

Tagging: @cyunice @eternalcall

That’s nowhere close to 20 but it’s the best I could do.

-What was your last?-

1. Drink. Just some water 2. Phone call. My auntie 3. Text message. A photo of my health document to my mum. 4. Song you listened to. Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran was on the radio. 5. Time you cried. This morning actually. I have incredibly painful stomach aches and they got so bad today that I had to leave the event I was at and sit in the car crying.

-have you ever-

6. dated someone twice. No. 7. kissed someone and regretted it. No. 8. been cheated on. Yes. 9. lost someone special. Yes. 10. been depressed. Not clinically diagnosed but I did go to the psychologist for depression and anxiety. 11. gotten drunk and thrown up. No.

-fave colours-

12. Yellow. 13. Blue 14. Green

-in the last year, have you...-

15. made new friends. Yes 16. fall out of love. Yes. 17. laughed until you cried. Yes. I have the best friends who always make me laugh. 18. found out someone was talking about you. Yes. 19. met someone who changed you. No. 20. found out who you’re friends are. I know one person who will always be my friend, but I’m still figuring out the others. 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list. Never even kissed someone soooo.

-general-

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl. All of them. 23. do you have any pets. I have a dog called Maggie, and two cats called Jessica and Athena. I used to have another dog called Chester but he ran away. 24. do you want to change your name. No, I do like my name. 25. what did you do for your last birthday. I had a party with all of my friends in my backyard. 26. what time did you wake up this morning. I woke at around 8:30-9:00. Not really sure. 27. what were you doing at midnight last night. I was actually on my phone. 28. what is something you can’t wait for. In September, I go to a youth conference for a week. I’ve gone for the past two years and it is a life changing experience. It is basically just a huge party with other Christian youths and worshipping God the whole time. 30. what are you listening to right now. Commonwealth games commentary. 31. have you ever talked to a person named tom. Not that I can remember.

32. something that is getting on your nerves. My friends’ inability to organise anything. 33. most visited website. Tumblr or YouTube. 34. hair colour. It's brown. 35. long or short. It goes just past my chest.

36. do you have a crush on someone. Yes and it’s so stupid. He’s my best friend’s brother.

37. what do you like about yourself. I really like my eyes. They are really green. I also like my hair cause it’s really curly. 38. want any piercings. I have only one in both my ears, but I don’t want anymore than that. 39. blood type. I don’t know lol. 40. nicknames. Gigi, G, Jellybean. 41. relationship status. single. 42. sign. Leo. 43. pronouns. Her/She. 44. fave T.V show. A Series of Unfortunate Events. 45. tattoos. No. 46. right or left handed. right. 47. ever had surgery. No. 48. piercings. Yes. 49. sport. I used to dance and do netball but musical and school has overtaken them. 50. vacation. My last vacation (or holiday as we call it in Australia) was to New Zealand at Christmas. 51. trainers. ???

-more general-

52. eating. nothing right now. I’m gonna have spaghetti for dinner tho. 53. drinking. water lol. 54. i’m about to watch. The Commonwealth games probs. 55. waiting for. My mum to get home so I can ask her if I can have a friend over.

56. want. relief from pain. 57. get married. Definitely. I can’t wait to meet the someone who I’ll spend the rest of my life with. (Hopefully not a cat lol) 58. career. teacher.

-which is better-

59. hugs or kisses. Hugs. 60. lips or eyes. Eyes. 61. shorter or taller. taller. 62. older or younger. older. 63. nice arms or stomach. Nice arms for hugging lol. 64. hook up or relationship. Relationship definitely. 65. trouble maker or hesitant. hesitant.

-have you ever-

66. kissed a stranger. never kissed soo. 67. drank hard liquor. No. 68. turned someone down. no. 69. sex on first date. I believe sex should be done between two people who are married to each other. 70. broken someone’s heart. I don’t think so. 71. had your heart broken. twice, by the same person. 72. been arrested. no. 73. cried when someone died. yes. 74. fallen for a friend. yes.

-do you believe in-

75. yourself. yes. 76. miracles. yes. 77. love at first sight. no. 78. santa claus. no. 79. angels. yes.

-misc-

80. eye colour. They’re green but in certain lighting can look blue. 81. best friend’s name. Monique. 82. favourite movie. Can’t choose. 83. favourite actor. Tom Holland

84. favourite cartoon. Voltron Legendary Defender. 85. favourite teacher’s name. Mrs B (Maths.)

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autisticbobsaginowskiredux · 7 years

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Don’t Let Us Get Sick

“So Mr. Magliacci,” Valencia said, laying the photos down on her desk, “I feel like you should know, most of my experience is with insurance investigations, unfaithful partners, things of that nature. Pretty much all of it, if I’m being honest.”

“And?” said Mr. Magliacci, who had close-cropped battleship-gray hair and the bullet shape common to middle-aged men who were muscular in their youth. “Is that a no?”

“No, no, no, not at all,” Valencia said, sitting forward in her chair. “Point I’m making, Mr. Magliacci, is this: by and large, people who hire me expect to turn up things they won’t like. More to the point, they’re sending me after people they’re prepared not to like. You seem like you love your daughter a lot, like you’re concerned about her.”

“Fuckin’ A.”

“So I just wonder if you feel like my area of expertise will lead me to investigate this in a way you didn’t necessarily emotionally prepare for.”

“Jesus Christ,” Mr. Magliacci said. “Whadya, tie ’em up and beat a confession out of them?”

“Of course not.”

“Then cut the bullshit. My God.”

“Just covering the bases. Tell me what you need. Specifically.”

Mr. Magliacci hugged himself and scratched his right forearm. “So Ms. Valdez, my little girl, Angie, she’s 20, sophomore at Columbia, first in the family.” He said it faux-conversationally, trying to make it sound like something other than a brag. It was the verbal equivalent of Bugs Bunny disguised as a woman: ridiculously obvious, but it still worked on some level. “And, like, I ain’t blind. I know my little girl. And I see her on parents weekend and I meet this friend of hers, black girl, and, like, she’s a friend of hers, you understand?”

Valencia nodded, trying to propel this wherever it was going.

“And, like, I’m pretty old-school, most people would say. She’d definitely say. But that’s still my little girl and I’m not one of these pricks who’s gonna throw a fit over that. But I never told her I knew, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe she knows I know, who knows. Anyway, I still read the blotter, which is goofy, I know, but about a week ago, somebody killed this girl, this friend of my Angie’s. Had her picture and everything. Looks like someone took her wallet and when there were only credit cards in there, they got pissed off, shot her.”

Valencia nodded again, hoping to God Mr. Magliacci didn’t have her confused with a bounty hunter or a button woman but also not wishing to interrupt the kind of man who goes looking for one.

“Now, ever since, Angie’s been acting strange. Which, obviously, that’s kinda to be expected, but I mean a different kind of strange. I tried to visit her on campus a couple times, as a surprise, you know, but everyone on her hall said she was gone. Like, with a friend. That’s what they said, a friend. And the other night, I pulled up across the street from her dorm, I see her get into this car I never seen before, but I know this type of car, right? Pulled over a hundred like it back in the day.”

“You think your daughter’s on drugs.”

Magliacci sighed and his entire upper body shuddered forward. “Yeah, that’s about the size of it. I’m not good at intervention shit and I want her to feel like she can talk to me about her friend, but if she feels like I’m coming at her, she might close up, you know?”

“Right, sure. So what is it you want me to do? Just find out whether she is?”

Mr. Magliacci shook his head. “A little more than that. I want you to get the guy away from her. I don’t need to know how and I don’t care.”

“You don’t think she’d find another dealer?”

“She probably would. But it gives me a window when I’d feel better about talking to her.”

Valencia looked back at the pictures Mr. Magliacci had brought. Angie was a chubby dark-haired girl with a heart-shaped face and husky-blue eyes. “Tell me a little more about her. She have a job?”

“She’s a part-time production assistant at NBC. They’re pretty reasonable about her class schedule, so she’s there around 6 to 11 Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.”

“Okay. Anything else I need to know?”

Mr. Magliacci looked hesitant. “She’s, you know, she’s got autism, we’re pretty sure.”

“Pretty sure?”

“I mean, we got her diagnosed when she was eight, I was just never convinced. You know, she talks normally, she finished school and all that shit.”

Valencia raised an eyebrow. “Well, it’s, you know, it’s a spectrum, man.”

“So they say.” Mr. Magliacci shifted in his chair. “I’m just a cop from Bensonhurst, the fuck do I know?”

Valencia Valdez was youngish, photogenic and had never been a cop, all of which were fairly unusual for a private detective. This made her closer to people’s image of a TV detective than most of the competition, which was good for business. It gave her an advantage when her clients were cops, oddly enough; they allowed themselves vulnerability they wouldn’t when they felt like they had a bullshit tribal façade to maintain. Magliacci likely wouldn’t have told another cop Angie was autistic.

Along with the photos, Magliacci had included the clipping from the police blotter about Sophia, Angie’s girlfriend. As luck would have it (for a given value of “luck”), Sophia had been killed about three blocks from campus, close enough that an alert had gone out to all the students. Valencia put on his reading glasses and combed his undercut into something more befitting a bureaucrat as best he could. In a couple of Magliacci’s photos, Angie was with friends; he was able to identify one, Katrina Something.

Valencia was able to enhance the photo to pick out a uniform shirt under Katrina’s windbreaker; she cross-referenced it with a Yelp search and determined she was a waitress at the Side Door, a local restaurant that wasn’t owned by the university but whose clientele was overwhelmingly students (locals, as is often the case with such places, regarded it in a manner reminiscent of Romanian villagers discussing Castle Dracula).

Valencia called the restaurant and asked if Katrina was available; the manager said she’d be in at six that evening. Valencia thanked him and staked out the place from across the street at five, making sure to queue up albums she didn’t mind listening to in their entirety, like Nick Cave’s “Murder Ballads” and Florence & the Machine’s “Ceremonials,” on her phone.

Katrina got off around 9. Valencia crossed the street and called her name. She turned and looked confused but not worried.

“Hey, Katrina,” Valencia said, jogging up to her. “You’re a, you’re friends with Angela Magliacci, aren’t you?”

“Sure. Can I help you?”

“My name’s Katy Carr, I’m a grief counselor. Now, I don’t know if she ever told you this, but Angela’s mother was murdered in a robbery gone wrong several years ago.” (This was true.)

“I did, actually.”

“Right, okay. So the, ah, the shooting, near campus, recently, there’s concerns, sometimes, when something like that happens, it’ll trigger sort of a downturn, emotionally, for someone who’s had that kind of thing affect their lives before, so I’m just trying to find out if Angela seems like she’s been acting… odd, at all, since it happened.”

Katrina tilted her head and narrowed her eyes. “The university has a nondiscrimination policy,” she said. “You know that, right?”

“Of course. What’s that…”

“So if you’re trying to ferret out queer girls, that’s illegal.”

“It’s nothing like that. Are you saying they knew each other?”

“Soph was Angie’s girlfriend, yeah.”

This was good to know. Magliacci’s intuition being right meant a lot of the rest of what he’d said was likely accurate. “So back to my question, how’s Angela taking it?”

Katrina pursed her lips. “It’s complicated.”

“How do you mean?”

“Angie’s not a repressed person. She lets you know when she’s happy, when she’s sad, when she’s angry, all of it. But ever since Sophia died, it seems like she gets tenser and tenser over the course of the day. Her suitemate, Carol? Apparently the first few nights, right around 10, she said Angie had some kind of attack.”

“Attack?”

“Like, almost like a panic attack. She sounded like she was trying to keep it down, you know, repress it? You know how if you’re crying and trying to stop all at the same time?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, that was how Angie was the first few nights. And we’d just been out that evening and she seemed fine.”

“So you said the first few nights. It’s been about a week and a half. Did something change?”

“She hasn’t been in the last few nights. At least not when most of us go to bed.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Honestly?” Katrina dropped her voice a little. “I think she’s on the rebound. Which I totally get, no judgment, you do what you have to do for yourself, I just at the same time get why she’d want to be discreet about it too.”

“What makes you think that? Just her absence?”

“No, I’ve seen him. Artsy-looking white boy, older. Maybe like 30. Drives a Caddy, looks like a douchebag. We have an evening class Tuesday and Thursday and normally after it lets out we’ll go have a drink or chill in the commons but the past few nights she’s said she’s got something to take care of and I saw this guy pick her up.”

“And around when is that?”

“Class lets out at 9:40.”

Valencia pulled a campus map out of her coat. “I haven’t worked on campus long; can you show me around where she meets him?”

Katrina pointed to an intersection on the map. Valencia thanked her and headed back to her car.

It was Wednesday. The next night, Valencia put on her black turtleneck and leather jacket and put her gun against the small of her back before driving to the spot Katrina had said was the rendezvous point. As was her habit, she was early, which was a terrible strategy for keeping one’s nerves steady.

The Cadillac slid into the intersection around 9:30. Not long after, Angie advanced down the sidewalk and opened the door. She had a weird, purposeful stride in her step, with none of the trepidation Valencia would have expected from someone making a drug buy. The driver, a skinny dark-haired guy with a goatee wearing a scarf over a cardigan over a t-shirt, did indeed look like a douchebag.

Valencia was lucky she had filled her tank that morning; Cadillac Douche drove all the way to Brooklyn, parking out front of a small storefront in Greenpoint. After they got out and walked in, Valencia waited a second before getting up and following. The door, as she’d anticipated, was locked, but she was able to jimmy it open with the slim jim in her pocket.

The lights were dim inside the building; as Valencia’s eyes adjusted, she realized it was the waiting area of a recording studio. There was no one in the live room but she could make out the outlines of Angie and Cadillac Douche in the control room. She slowly approached the door, keeping out of what, as far as he could tell, was their line of sight. She put her ear to the door.

“…five hundred,” Valencia heard the guy say.

“That wasn’t what we discussed.”

“That wasn’t what we discussed on Tuesday. It’s a pain in the ass getting this shit.”

“It’s not shit.” There was a ragged, primal edge in Angie’s voice, but it wasn’t that of a junkie; it was something else Valencia couldn’t put his finger on.

“Let me hear it.”

“Money first.”

“Don’t be a prick, Brett. I don’t have that much on me anyway. I’ll give you the balance next time.”

“Sure you will.”

“Have I ever stiffed you?”

“I don’t work on credit, little girl.”

There was a pause, followed by a deep, shuddering sigh, and Valencia felt like she’d caught a whiff of the barely-repressed panic Katrina had described.

“Take me back to campus, then. I’ll… I’ll deal with it.”

“Okay, let’s not go nuts. There are ways you can pay me upfront.”

“What? What do you want, my phone? I need it.”

Brett sighed. “Jesus Christ, you can be dense, you know that? Do I have to spell everything out?”

“In my case, probably.”

“Fuck’s sake. Okay, I will. You want this without paying me 500, suck me off.”

There was another silence, this one unpunctuated.

“You are fucking disgusting,” Angie said at last.

“That’s a nice way to talk to your ride home.”

“I’m not riding home with you. I’ll get a cab, something. Let me out.”

“Whoa whoa whoa.” Valencia heard the squeaking of Brett standing up in a leather chair. “Let’s… sweetie, I gotta tell you, you really don’t hold the cards you think you do.”

Valencia threw open the door, flicked on the light and held her gun on Brett. “Get away from her,” he said.

“Hold on, who the fuck are you?”

“I’m not Porky Pig, so I know for a fuckin’ fact I didn’t stutter. Stop blocking her path, creep.”

Brett stepped back, shooting Valencia the sullen expression of a child told he couldn’t ride his bicycle on the roof.

Valencia kept her gun on Brett and shifted his gaze to Angie, who was remarkably composed, from the looks of it. “And Angie, I need you to tell me what’s going on. What are you buying from Fucko McScarfneck over here?”

Angie sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Show him, Brett.”

Brett, still wearing that look, took a CD out of his cardigan and put it in the stereo. It began to play and an unaccompanied voice, a gorgeous, velvety one, sounding like a young Etta James, unspooled throughout the room and Valencia knew she was listening to the late Sophia.

“Don’t let us get sick, Don’t let us get old, Don’t let us get stupid, alright? Just make us be brave, And make us play nice, And let us be together tonight.”

“Sophia was trying to record an album here with Brett,” Angie explained. “Right up until she died, she was recording it. I was the one who told her she should record it because…” her voice caught for a second. “..because after we started to get serious, she’d sing to me over the phone every night after I got home from my evening class. Did my father tell you I’m on the spectrum?”

Valencia nodded.

“I have my routines. I need them. After Sophia died, I cried for nearly a full day, and once I was done, I realized I couldn’t sleep without her voice. I tried, God, did I try. After the first week, I reached out to Brett; I met him briefly when Sophia started recording. He was going to trash what she’d recorded but I told him how much I needed it, which, clearly, was a mistake. This is what men do, you know. They take advantage. Please tell my dad I’m sorry if I worried him.”

Valencia looked back over at Brett. “Hey, Brett,” she said, “just so you’re aware, Miss Magliacci’s father is a cop. Did you know that, Brett?”

“No.”

“Okay, well, now you do. And what’s going to happen is, you’re going to give her everything Sophia recorded with you — everything, understand — or her dad the cop hears what you tried to do, but before that happens I’m going to beat the shit out of you and glue that gross weak-chin-concealing goatee to your dick. You got all that?”

Brett nodded.

“Go get it. Darse prisa, dipshit.”

Brett kicked aside a cardboard box on the floor and opened a combination safe set in the wall. There were several jewel cases inside, each with an unlabeled CD. He roughly handed them all to Valencia.

“Don’t give them to me, asshole, give them to her.”

Brett, rolling his eyes before he could stop himself, handed them to Angie.

“Angela, are you okay with me giving you a ride home?” Valencia asked, the gun still on Brett.

“Sure,” Angie said. “Thanks for asking.”

Angie didn’t say much as they drove. It was a beautiful, clear night; a stiff breeze was lingering from February but spring was still in the air, the warmth of newness palpable in the spaces between.

“You gonna be okay, Angela?” Valencia said as they crossed the Williamsburg Bridge.

Angie looked up as though she’d forgotten she was there. “I think so,” she said. “It feels different than with Ma. I… I miss them both so much, you understand, but Sophia and I, we were both new at this. I’m not trying to sound callous, but I have to deal with this on two levels: I miss Sophia the person but I also have the disruption in the way things are to deal with. And that second one is easier than it was with Ma, because we were just getting serious. The singing will keep me steady on my feet until I’m ready to really think about her being gone. Does that make any sense?”

“Oh, no, yeah, perfect sense.”

“Are you just saying this? I’ve never lost someone like Sophia. I have no idea how much of a heartless bitch I’m being.”

“Angela,” Valencia said, “I promise you, you are no kind of heartless bitch. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Thank you. What are you going to tell my father?”

“He wanted to know if you were on drugs, and I’m going to tell him you’re not.”

“What if he wants specifics?”

“I don’t think he will. He’s not a guy who understands everything, but he understands what he doesn’t understand, you know?”

“That’s true. Thank you.”

Valencia pulled up to the spot where Brett had picked up Angie and handed her her card. “You ever get in any kind of trouble, let me know, okay?”

“Actually, Ms…” she glanced at the card. “…Valdez, I have a request. I hope it’s not too strange.”

“Shoot.”

“Does this car have a CD player? I can’t tell by sight.”

“It does.”

“Can we play the rest of that song? It’s a bit late. I don’t want to wake anyone.”

“Sure.”

Angie put the CD in the player and hit the skip button a couple of times, and that ethereal voice filled the car.

“The moon has a face, and it smiles on the lake, And causes the ripples in time. I’m lucky to be here with someone I like, Who maketh my spirit to shine. Don’t let us get sick, Don’t let us get old, Don’t let us get stupid, alright? Just make us be brave, And make us play nice, And let us be together tonight.”

#crime fiction #fiction #short stories #mine #grief #loss #lgbtq fiction #autism fiction #actuallyautistic #neo-noir #New York noir

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whyshanti · 5 years

Text

twenty nineteen. periodt.

i genuinely felt the need to write this because i was bored i have not written anything in a really long time. but mostly because there’s only a few who might read this and not care afterwards. it sucks to not be able to do something that i used to enjoy for quite a while. but here i am!

a lot of thoughts to unburden and a lot of unspoken feelings to unpack. let’s get to it, bih.

1. this year felt like it was dragging on. i wanted it to end asap.

so this year, i actually had A LOT of time. where did it go?

to: movies, series, anime, music, watching youtube videos, breakdowns, feeling stuck & paralyzed, academics, reading articles about pop culture & mainstream shit, going out with friends, chatting random ppl at night bc i thought i could trust them (and some of them, i can), and etc.

but on a more serious note, i really was more into the world of media, of both mainstream and indie worlds. i still can’t believe i got through this semester when i have been doing these things unrelated to uni. some ppl are also baffled by this activity log that i have.

point is: i felt like a walking zombie. probably looked like one as well. there is this routine that i have to do and i got really sick of myself. i didn’t have the motivation to strive more. i was always either sleeping (at least for the first half of the year) or watching. it all feels lifeless. the latter part of the year, my body clock was wrecked. i did not like the weather during daytime. at all. i slept during the day when i did not have classes then i was awake at night. but i try to get as much sleep as i can because my health is declining. i think.

also this year felt like it had 3 sequels. unnecessary, boring, full-of-jump-scares type of sequels. fuck.

2. feeling anxious and chill at the same time.

the only thing that made me feel chill at the latter part of the year is the fact that this shit... like all these shitty things we’ve been doing... will pass anyway.

i don’t know if it’s because of the new system that was implemented but it definitely feels like the stress levels were high only during exam weeks. for real. i am grateful to have THAT kind of “stress privilege (??)” but i also wish i was stressing over something that gives me LIFE. i know i’m studying for something that will actually help me provide something for myself and for my family but my soul (oh crap here’s where things get cheesy) screams i should do something else.

my friend always tells me to chill but i couldn’t because there’s always that nagging thought that i have to do something productive everyday. i think it stems from past disappointments, failed expectations from ppl close to me, and just basically feeling like a failure. i’m a frantic mess who somehow has the time to do unnecessary things. wish the energy was put into finishing acads on time or earlier, but here we are. think they meant that i should be chill with mysef. to be kind to myself. to not panic and breathe.

another thing is that there’s a load of information shoved in my head that really paralyzes me to act on something.

3. leaving behind the things i’ve outgrown.

it’s so funny how i’ve met few new people this year who i already treasure only to have quite a number of people to walk out of my life.

it’s not really surprising to me. i think we all wanted it to happen anyway. i’m just happy that things kind of subtly fell apart for things to make more sense. the feeling is kind of like how a misplaced puzzle piece is put into its rightful place. finally, i don’t have to force myself and i think the feelings are mutual. anyway, this year was a revelation in itself despite how dragging the pacing felt. love how the gunk went out and i see now what i’ve been blind to. chuck the deuce! definitely a thank u, next moment.

4. meeting new people, unexpected unions.

i definitely did not expect to form connections and be reunited with some of my old friends this year. also witnessed deepened friendships.

there’s always this thing where i put my energy on a high level when i’m meeting new people just to seem decent and happy then slowly revealing how tired, sad, and boring i can be. then there’s that fear of losing people’s interest in me or people not becoming excited to talk to me about... anything really. never thought i’d have this fear of losing certain people in my life. i want to detach myself from that and from people themselves too (in a healthy way ofc).

i’ve never ever felt like i could lose people in an instant. there’s that thing where i worry if i’m too much or i’m lacking for people. so i appreciate people who let me know if i’m crossing the line or if i’m doing something that completely annoys them because i really want to be part of people’s lives, meaningfully and genuinely. a good one. i don’t want to half-ass my relationships with other people and i seek loving relationships that thrive and inspire where it doesn’t only get good at the start but is continually progressing even when we don’t see each other often. it’s fascinating how as we get older, we see how relationships are not as simple as we think they are but really are simple at the same time. we have different goals, we are at different stages in our lives, we are facing shit that nobody else seems to understand and things that don’t seem to end, and we can only hope that our mere presence and emotionally available hearts will listen to whatever the other person has to unburden.

to somehow let them know that they don’t need permission to rest and to do things that they are afraid of pursuing.

4a. discovering new artists.

AURORA: the most underrated artist for sure. watched every interview/video/set because she is that bitch. her SONGS, man. i swear. she is that ethereal fairy from the forest. her fucking voice just draws me in. she deserved a better role in frozen 2 tho. she needs to be a lead in a musical animated movie. idc idc i said what i said.

beabadoobee: fucking rockstar, reviving the 90s grunge music and looks.

Billie Eilish: a badass. hate how she still stans bieber tho.

5. daydreaming of a new life.

you don’t know how many times i’ve been dreaming to have a big house.

it’s time. we really need a new house. i’m not, as what the kids say, vibing with this old house anymore. this is what i wish to leave behind as soon as possible. how do i even get the MONEY to afford it? i’m just hoping for a miracle to happen, you know. i really wish my family gets to be in a better home soon.

i think if u know me, u might have caught me spacing out a few times.

idk why this always happens. it’s so rude to the person speaking to me but my mind literally drifts off to another planet. it’s not that they’re boring. i just can’t help it. i feel like shit thinking about how many times it has happened to me.

sometimes, i dream of being this whole new different person.

someone who is better than who i am. someone who is good at something and is passionate about the things she does. there are a lot of things i am interested in doing but i don’t have the courage to actually do it. idk why i always turn into a statue when i think of things that i wanna do.

6. God.

it’s been a long time. i have lost contact with You but You are always there to patch things up for me. every effin’ time. i cry everytime.

it must be because i was raised in a christian setting. that’s why i always think it’s You who’s working behind the scenes. but still i am grateful.

saved me from certain people.

saved me this semester.

saved me from pulling worthless all-nighters.

provided me financially esp when i thought i had nothing.

prevented a severe acid reflux situation.

gave me new friends.

did literally so many things that saved me from bad situations and people in general like WHO DOES THAT??

7. a life without a plan.

this is literally what i wanted to happen. not carelessly but like where i don’t have to worry about what to do next. just let things be and go with the flow. the first half of this year, i really did not think things through as i normally would and i let plans fall just to enjoy what was in front of me. be at ease and be present during that time. and i did. it was a peaceful, cheery time tbh.

8. every day i wanted to start over just to get over a lot of things.

9. i missed a lot of ppl.

10. i wanted to be held. not by a certain someone. not romantically. but by anyone close to me. *plays i’m with you by avril lavigne*

sometimes we all just need a long hug. that’s all. and it’d be nice to hear more stories from people. :)

11. not everybody will reciprocate the same energy that i send out to them and it’s okay.

this bummed me out. felt like an effin’ loser but i’ve learned that people have businesses to do. life doesn’t always happen the way we want it to.

12. this the final year of college. just finish it already, dumbass.

13. why can’t i just be kathryn bernardo or AURORA for like a month or a year? i promise i will not ruin their careers lmao.

14. i want to make major changes in my stupid life but money is an issue.

15. the stars are below the sky now.

the state of the environment is the same as of our minds. polluted and overloaded with gibberish to the point that we get scared of doing one thing at a time and where we also don’t throw away the unnecessary baggage/s.

we’re so intent on doing things all at the same time. finishing everything in one sitting. being productive became an addiction and it scared me how i was becoming affected by this. there’s this constant thought that we collectively share which is to do something by every day and it only adds up to people’s anxiety and depression. social media definitely made us aware of mental illnesses/disorders but then it became a trend. people self-diagnose themselves and end up with the wrong treatment. some people use it as a tool to get followers and... ugh it’s all a mess. i hope people get the right treatment/s AND/or professional help because if they don’t, they’ll lose themselves. i mean... just look at the sky. there’s literally no sign of a star now if u live in the city. we’ve lost sight of what should guide us. we are unconsciously following a false light thru our devices.

i’m not good at analogies or at explaining things as u can tell. but moving on...

this hyper self-awareness that i have gained from social media has its advantages but is also distracting me from living my best life. i didn’t realize that i was making my own christmas lights inside my seemingly dark mind when really... it’s just clouded by all this information that’s coming in fast and has affected who i am and certain areas of my life. i’ve almost forgotten this and i’ve come to believe again that there’s always an ever-present light and it will take time to get used to its brightness once my mind gets clearer by the day. hopefully, it will.

anyway, CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL AND WE NEED TO SAVE EARTH.

16. men are trash.

17. the people who i should avoid always looks odd or unpleasant and has bad energy. i know shit when i sense one.

18. i’m not happy with my life and with who i am but i’ll work with what i’ve got.

life gives u a mirror and shits on your face. sheesh.

for some reason, i can’t forget what my adviser told me during my 4th year of high school. she told me “it seems like you’re a person full of regrets” and every time i have a cryfest, i think of that. idk why. (never underestimate the power of a few words, folks). you know how like in flow charts, u encounter decision points? the diamond shapes? i think i always decide no and end up with the worst consequence and then there’s no more starting over.

i don’t think i understand flow charts well. ugh.

i can’t come up with a cool transition to me having insecurities so let’s say i did!

some people’s beauty, inspiring. but others just make you feel like shit.

i really want to explore my feminine side more because i was more masculine when i was younger. i’m not gentle, i’m a bit aggressive. and it just doesn’t fit with who i want to be. idk why. and also, it’s fun (!!!). you get a taste of what it’s like and it’s so EMPOWERING at least for the short experience that i had. but can make me feel very conscious of my entire being and i just end up wearing cartoony disguises. ironic but BABY STEPS. when i think about it, there’s really no black or white answer whether this or that is feminine or masculine.

self-love is not a 5-step process.

it is continuous improvement of oneself to the point where you don’t give a fuck about what they say. i really envy the ones who are comfortable in their own skin, who are totally embracing their flaws. they just bloom. some people just look like them. like it’s SO THEM. unmistakably them. and i think if everyone had that, we would not have standards anymore.

oh, to live in a time where individuality is encouraged but is also discouraged when not lived up to its standards. hurray.

19. this year was the year of mindless decisions. periodt.

20. hoping that the new year, 2020, will be the year of CLARITY where i know who i really am, embracing it, and where i will not be taking anymore of anyone’s bullshit. where i know where i stand in my relationships with other people and vice versa. there will be intentional but meaningful endings that will pave the way for blossoming beginnings.

let’s hope it unfolds the way it should be. for the better.

bonus: nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. everyone’s just going with the flow. be yourself.

note: this is a compilation of thoughts, informally. thank u.

#2019

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safyresky · 8 years

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92 Truths

I’M SO MAD I WANTED TO BE THE DOUBLE TAGGER BUT @mellomadness BEAT ME TO IT?????? I was originally tagged by @thewayhistoryiswritten. They tagged the whole fam so now I am gonna just sneak in here and be the TRIPPLE TAGGER B)

This one is really long?? So if you’re not about people oversharing on the internet then just skip down using “J” or blacklist long post, cause that’s what I’ll tag this as :)

(I would put a read more but half the people who tagged me use mobile and those don’t show up on mobile so...my apologies!)

Anyway let’s get to it, shall we?

LAST…

[1] drink: hot chocolate. for those keeping up with my roll up the rim #struggles, 15/15 have NOT won.

[2] phone call: Richard, my lovely bf who couldn’t remember the cereal my sister wanted

[3] text message: my sister who has no idea what food I have at home and is staying until Sunday and needs to eat

[4] song you listened to: One of the songs off the Steven Universe music playlist I have on soundcloud

[5] time you cried: Watching Moana last week it just gets me EVERY TIME the powerful I AM MOANA!!!!! I JUST YES. YES YOU ARE. YOU ARE AND I AM A WRECK

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: Nope

[7] been cheated on: In a way yes but also no.

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: Nope

[9] lost someone special: Yes.

[10] been depressed: low key all of last year? it was a struggle. and not like diagnosed depressed just...feeling sad ALL the TIME and WORTHLESS and people would tell me you’re great and I just wouldn’t believe them b/c it didn’t feel like I was great at all. I couldn’t even write about my shitty frosty children I just....couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything but think about how shitty things were going and how much I wanted to sleep and sleep and sleep and forget about life

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: I have never gotten drunk to the point of throw up but hey, tomorrow is paddy’s day and my sister wants me to get “turnt” and “wasted” so we’ll see if I go over my comfortable drunk limit of 5 alcohols. Will keep you posted!

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] Blue

[13] Light blue

[14] Orange (Were you expecting more blue?? Hehe)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: Yes!

[16] fallen out of love: No, I’ve just made my relationship STRONGER

[17] laughed until you cried: Oh my god yes I live in a house with 3 other immature young adults who are stressed to the max you would be surprISED how often one of us laughing until we cry happens

[18] found out someone was talking about you: Not in bad ways!

[19] met someone who changed you: I don’t think so, though my current friends may have effected my humour just a tad ;)

[20] found out who your true friends are: Yeah, actually! A lot of realizations happened this year let me tell you *side eyes my shitty pal who makes things about herself constantly*

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: I mean Richard is my facebook friend so...yes? We’ve been dating for 5 years though so idk how much that counts?? Cause he’s my SO???

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: All of them I know well enough, I don’t add total strangers

[23] do you have any pets: My cat! Cinnamon! He’s so cute and such an affectionate lil bud for being a stray a year ago like what a cat I love him s o m u c h he’s so sILLY

[24] do you want to change your name: I love my name very much. It can be spunky (Dani), elegant (Ella), and a mix of them both (Daniella!)

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: I turned 21 and...I actually can’t recall?? I think Richard and I went out to dinner and OH NOW I REMEMBER!

We went to the Works and he surprised me with all of my good friends being there and then we went home and he got me an ICE CREAM CAKE and my housemates put my gifts in a suitcase b/c we had no wrapping stuffs welcome to Student Life my guys

[26] what time did you wake up: At 7AM today b/c I had an 8:30

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: I was messaging Ana bean and making my bed because my sister wanted to sleep and my sheets had just finished washing

[28] name something you cannot wait for: Summer! I have a job, I’m staying in Kingston, I’M GONNA PLANT SHIT!!!! IT’S gonna be gr8!!

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: In February for reading week!

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish my parents hadn't struggled so much when I was younger, b/c then I would have had decent RESP’s and wouldn’t owe the government so much money for school Dx

[31] what are you listening to right now: The chatter of nearby people eating lunch (I forgot my headphones today I’m real upset)

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: You know, I see soo many people in one shift that one of them was probably named Tom tbh

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: FIFTEEN (15) ROLL UP THE RIM TO WIN CUPS AND NOT A SINGLE WIN. EVERYONE I KNOW HAS WON SOMETHING BUT NOT ME I AM BITTER AF THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST YEAR FOR ME FOR ROLL UP THE RIM

[34] most visited website: this blue hellhole

[35] elementary: St Herbert down the street from home. Everyone made fun of it and called it St Hubert’s, like the chicken place?? It bugged me as a kid now I’m like lmao yeah too bad they don’t have good chicken there

[36] high school: St Joe’s near my house! Commonly known as St Joe’s Hoes b/c there was a prostitute ring in the bathrooms in the 90s apparently??? And also everyone wore their kilts really high up. Those got banned. I was bitter I loved the kilt it was very warm

[37] college: Queen’s U!

[38] hair colour: It is Chestnut brown, according to Laurentian pencil crayons (it’s dark brown enough that my boyfriend thought it was black for the first year and a half we knew each other hahaha)

[39] long or short hair: I like it longer because then I can put it up a lot?? Though mid-length is usually my go to

[40] do you have a crush on someone: Does my boyfriend count. B/c if so then hecka yes

[41] what do you like about yourself?: My eyebrows SLAY. I like that I have managed to build up my patience so much. I like that I’m super creative and helpful and I like that I try to be as supportive as possible and usually pals are like ye u are supportive which does me a GOOD right in the heart!! I am being a HELP!!

[42] piercings: just my ears!! i’ve always wanted a nose piercing ha but I wouldn’t go through with it, my pain tolerance is exactly 0

[43] blood type: No idea!

[44] nickname: Dani

[45] relationship status: In a relationship with the most WONDERFUL FLUFF EVER Richard is really gr8 okay I could talk about him for days what a guy

[46] zodiac sign: Libra

[47] pronouns: She/her

[48] fav tv show: Steven Universe

[49] tattoos: none. if I got one it would be a shooting star somewhere inconspicuous

[50] right or left handed: right handed! for most things. I do use my left hand for odd things, like using a fork w/ a knife

FIRST… [51] surgery: wisdom teeth when I get them out this summer

[52] piercing: My ears when I was 2 months old or so

[53] best friend: PLEASE DO NOT AS ME THIS I HAVE MANY MANY BIFFERS (Richard, AJ, Ana, Jess, Athena...)

[54] sport: skiing

[55] vacation: Mexico when I was 7! Maybe younger, I can’t recall.

[56] pair of trainers: I just have converse?? Do they count??

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: Timbits

[58] drinking: Just finished a hot chocolate

[59] i’m about to: Finish a seminar response and then scream internally until I can go home

[60] listening to: People talking, still (there’s a lot of repeat questions here)

[61] waiting for: Class time

[62] want: A nap or two, a raise at work

[63] get married: One of these days! I keep asking Richard if we can just go to the courthouse and ELOPE but he keeps saying “yes let’s do that before we get married just go to a courthouse and wait on the big fancy ceremony until we can afford it!! He’s very set on being able to have a place for ourselves and such before hand which I agree with. But I still really wanna run to the courthouse one day and just fucking do it man)

[64] career: a writer with fame to rival that of J.K. Rowling, for instance, or the archaeologist who discovers Atlantis!

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: Hugs! I’m a really cuddly fuck but I love giving Richard kisses ALL OVER HIS FACE he gets soo happy!!

[66] lips or eyes: Eyes

[67] shorter or taller: Taller so I look cute when I attempt to be the big spoon, and so I can fit under the chin of my SO for MAXIMUM HUG

[68] older or younger: Older (irony b/c Richard is exactly 9 months older than me)

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: Both? Both. Both is good.

[71] sensitive or loud: Both? Both. Both is good.

[72] hook up or relationship: Relationship b/c I am not into the sex thing that much, occasionally yes but also not with a stranger?? I don;t look at someone like “I wanna tap that” usually my thought is “They’re pretty” or “I love their jacket” or “HOW DID THEY EYELINER???? THAT GOOD???” (Like ANA’S EYELINER OMG YOU ARE A MASTER AT THE EYELINER ANA PLEASE TEACH ME UR WAYS).

The only instance of “I wanna tap that” occurs like once in a full moon or two when I stare at Richard a v long time and thing HE IS SO WONDERFUL AND LOVELY I LOVE HIM LET’S GO RIGHT NOW INTO THE BED (TMI alert my guys, haha whoops)

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant, though I can be a shit disturber, ask AJ. And Ana. And my other housemates, especially Richard. I can be a nuisance and have been confirmed to be an occasional menace >:)

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? Nope

[75] drank hard liquor? It depends on your definition? Sometimes I have a liqueur with my Dad but idk if it counts as hard liquor, it’s usually a Bailey’s

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? ASK AJ I CONSTANTLY CANNOT FIND MY GLASSES B/C I CAN EVER REMEMBER WHERE I LEFT THEM

[77] turned someone down: In the most passive way possible. Fun fact: I once “friend-zoned” Richard, ha

[78] sex on first date? Heck no, I gotta know a guy or gal REALLY WELL before being like YES LET US ENGAGE IN COITUS, That is something I share with someone I trust fully and completely, not random people I meet on the first date (do people actually do that??)

[79] broken someone’s heart? Probably?? I dunno

[80] had your own heart broken? Omg yes when I was a lil pre-high schooler, dear me

[81] been arrested? HA no

[82] cried when someone died? Heck yes! real people, fictional characters...I’m a mess

[83] fallen for a friend: Every crush I have ever had began with a friendship so yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? Usually, yes!! I had a bad bout of thinking nothing would turn out right the past year but I’m back in the swing of thinking “It’ll be okay, you can do it”

[85] miracles? I think yes

[86] love at first sight? Love at first sight is a MYTH. Love takes time, patience. Love takes getting to know someone really well and knowing how you work with them and how they work with you. Love takes a lot and if love at first sight is a thing, it’s more like the IDEA of a person, not who they really really are.

[87] santa claus? For real, yes, I actually do b/c when I had lost my belief already, there was one year where my siblings (who had been naughty) weren’t on the christmas party lists at my parents work for gifts, and I was. So yeah. I have a solid belief in Santa make fun all you want idgaf

[89] angels? Very much so. Ethereal angels and angels here I meet that have a profound impact on my life

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: I HAVE MANY but in no order, Richard, AJ, Jess, Ana, Athena...

[91] eye colour: Brown

[92] favourite movie: Moana, Grease, Atlantis, El Dorado. Those are my top four. I think.

GOOD GRIEF THIS WAS A LONG ONE I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY AJ, YOU TOO MELLO. @divinitycas here is a third tag because yolo?? I guess??? Anyone else who likes to overshare on the internet please, be my guest!!! AND THEN TAG ME I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT OTHERS!!

#shush Dani #text #about me #long post #WHAT A CHALLENGE #THANKS AJ #I SAY #SARCASTICALLY #but actually thanks aj my friend #and mello #you two are quite the amigos #i just consider SO MANY PEOPLE BEST FRIENDS OK #there's also daryl and emma and rach #but they're like REALLY GOOD FRIENDS #not best friends bc a best friend for me is such a complex definition sorta???#IDK I AM WEIRD AND MY MUSCLES HURT FROM ALL THE SHOVELING

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aricacykiertproject-blog · 7 years

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Interview #2 Transcribed

File: ADHD Story #2

Duration: 23:01

Date: 11/6/17

I asked if I could record our audio, and the respondent said yes. Then audio recording begins.

Me: How old were you when you first got diagnosed?

Respondent: 17.

Me: How did you feel when you first found out?

Respondent: I mean I kinda always knew my whole life so just having the official diagnosis was really great for me because I could finally do something about it.

Me: So did you struggle growing up?

Respondent: Uh, yeah. I didn’t really realize I was displaying a lot of the symptoms until I was older, and I took a class and I realized that that was what a lot of my struggle had been in school. Doing things very fast pace, and not really learning as well in the classroom. So I did struggle, but I didn’t really connect it until I got my diagnosis.

Me: So you wanted a while before you got tested? How come?

Respondent: So my dad didn’t believe in medicating, and my grades were still really good so when my grades were fine my dad was like “I don’t see the point in her having medication when she still does well in school.” But it finally got to the point where I was so stressed and I would be in such a hard class and couldn’t learn in the classroom and I was like “I am going to fail, I need to get this taken care of.”

Me: So you hit a breaking point?

Respondent: Yeah, pretty much.

Me: On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being very minor and 10 being severe. How would you “rate” your ADHD?

Respondent: Probably around a like 8 I would say. It’s pretty bad.

Me: Why 8?

Respondent: I think I’ve seen people who have it worse, and I can function off my medication. I am not on it right now. I don’t really take it every single day of my life. But it is bad, I still struggle to do things and be productive if I’m not on it.

Me: So you usually take it for school?

Respondent: Yeah, I take it for school and I take it for like work when I do research. I just don’t take it when I’m not doing anything because I don’t like being medicated.

Me: So you were the one who decided that you wanted to go on medication?

Respondent: Yes.

Me: What medication do you take? What side effects do you have?

Respondent: I take Adderall. As for the side effects, obviously I have the typical not being able to eat, when I’m on my meds I go through waves of feeling like a zombie. I struggle to interact in conversations because I am so in my own head. So I think it makes me a little less social which is why I don’t like to take it everyday because it makes it harder for me to connect to other people. Obviously, not being able to sleep as well.

Me: So you would say it alters your personality?

Respondent: I would think so.

Me: What words would use to describe how you feel when you are medicated?

Respondent: Um, I always say I am zombie like. I feel very much sedated and not like myself. I can tell I am calmer and everything moves slower. But, I feel very much not myself.

Me: What words do you think your peers would use do describe you medicated?

Respondent: Calmer (laughter) for sure. I think also different. They can always tell when I am on my meds.

Me: What words would you use do describe how you feel unmedicated?

Respondent: Free. I feel completely myself, happier, more creative, more talkative.

Me: Would your peers say the same?

Respondent: I think so. They probably would say that I talk way faster.

Me: What is one thing you wish others without ADHD would understand?

Respondent: That it’s not a good thing. I think that people without ADHD always say we are lucky because we can have Adderall. I just wish they could understand that it is actually really challenging, debilitating. It’s very hard to work in a classroom and they see it as we are very fortunate and I would never call myself fortunate to have it.

Me: Does anyone else in your family have ADHD?

Respondent: So, yes. I have a cousin who is officially diagnosed and one of my older cousins has told me that my dad’s side of the family has a long history of it. My dad definitely has it but he is not medicated. I am pretty sure my brother has it too and isn’t medicated. We definitely have a long history but not a lot of us are medicated because my dad and brother are geniuses so they don’t need it. They’re fine.

Me: Have you ever reached out to other people who have ADHD?

Respondent: Yeah. I made a lot of friends who have it, and that’s been nice. I have talked to some family, that is how I found out about my family history. I have a lot of friends who have it which is kind of nice because it is a good support system.

Me: Have you had any relationships end because of your ADHD?

Respondent: Oh god, I hope not. I don’t think so. Not that I’m aware of. I mean, people tell me I talk fast all the time so maybe that was a contributing factor but nobody has ever said that directly.

Me: Does it affect your social life?

Respondent: Yeah, when I am on my meds it is very very hard for me. I really struggled in the sorority house because I had only been on meds for two years, and I didn’t know it yet. I would not be able to contribute to lots of conversations. So that definitely affected me. When I’m off it as well because when I first get off it I start talking so fast and I am so scattered brained and people are like “calm down” so I think those two phases of being on it [medication] and adjusting and being off it. The fast talking really gets people.

Me: How does your environment play a factor when you are medicated and unmedicated?

Respondent: Um, if I am in a stressful environment like school, I think it really affects how my medicine affects me because I am already stressed when I take the meds I just get even more hyper-focused and I think that can stress me out even more. If I’m not in a stressful environment when I am medicated, that’s when I realize I am zombie like. That’s when I am so hyper-focused but I am suppose to be having fun, ya know? In reverse, if I am stressed and not medicated that’s really really hard for me. Because the anxiety builds because I’m like “I need my meds to be able to function in this environment” If I am not medicated and I am not stressed, then I am just me.

Me: How many times a week would you say you take your medicine?

Respondent: Now, never because I am not in school and I don’t have a stressful job. When I start doing my research position, I will have to start taking it everyday.

Me: How would you describe the conditions of your room?

Respondent: (Laughter) it depends on the day. Usually I just throw a bunch of stuff on the floor and after three days I get really stressed and I clean it all up. Then my room is clean for a day or two and then it happens again. It’s a pretty vicious cycle.

Me: What is one thing that people have said about ADHD that you know is incorrect?

Respondent: Everything they say. Well, my big thing that people say we are lucky to have it. I know that is not true. Oh people also say that when I take Adderall it gives me an advantage and that is not true.

Me: Do you feel different than your peers who don’t have ADHD?

Respondent: Yeah. I definitely feel different. I feel disadvantaged, a lot. Just to walk out of a classroom and to hear them talking about things that I didn’t even pick up in the lecture because I didn’t connect it or because I was zoning out is very frustrating. I feel like even though I am given accommodations to make me feel equal, it’s so stigmatized. If I tell people, I have ADHD then they’re like “can I have Adderall?” Like no, it’s my medication. You can’t have it. I definitely feel different, but I also feel like it is very much a part of me and I worked really hard to just accept that this is the way I am and so I am not embarrassed.

Me: It took me a while to tell people.

Respondent: Yeah, it definitely took me a while, but this is a thing for me and I don’t care because I am still going to the same school as these people and beating them on exams so what does it matter if I have a learning disability because clearly it doesn’t actual disable me. I would never look at it [ADHD] as a bad thing because it’s a part of me.

Me: So could one argue that having ADHD is a good thing?

Respondent: I don’t want to look at myself and think I am less fortunate than others because I am given the resources to still thrive even though I have it. I know that is not the case for everyone, so I feel pretty lucky that I have supportive friends and family, have access to the meds and all that. It’s an advantage because it gives me a different outlook on life.

Me: How so?

Respondent: I think, I have become a lot more empathetic because of it because people are going through things that you don’t know about and that can lead to how they’re acting. People are maybe like mean, or like not quiet I try to look at maybe they’re going through something I don’t know verses “oh that person is weird or whatever.” I hope that when people look at me and think “that girl talks fast or she is so stressed” that they would like think about maybe I have something else, like ADHD going on. I always look for the backstories of people now instead of just attributing to being mean.

Me: What words would you use to describe your brain?

Respondent: (Laughter) Crazy. Crazy and fast paced. Those are the two main ones, emphasis on the fast pace.

Me: Last question, if you could get rid of your ADHD would you?

Respondent: Oh, I don’t think so. I always thought yes, because I thought it would make school easier, but it has contributed so much into who I am today and like I said it has made me a more emphatic person, I think that it is such a part of me that I wouldn’t. I don’t know who I would be without it. I like myself. I am confident in who I am.

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