#also no soap will never again stop with the “meat handling” jokes in bed

[leathfaic]

"So what do ye eat then, when ye get the choice?" Soap is opening two bottles of beer handing one over to Ghost. He's clueless about what to cook for dinner, might as well ask Simon for some input.

"Chicken and rice. Or I order something." Ghost's tone is nonchalant as he studies the label of the beer he was just handed and Soap decides immediately that he's not gonna follow the plain suggestion actually. He's on leave and deserves some flavour in his food, thank you very much.

"Single malt whisky cask matured?" Ghost' sounds slightly disbelieving. "That is very Scottish.", or disapproving, who knew with the English.

So Soap just snorts, "Had to get ye some of the local stuff, eh? If ye behave ah'll make sure we get some of the beer with tea in for ye." 

At that Simon, who was sniffing his beer, looks up, pure horror in his eyes and Soap's snort evolves into a full-on cackle. 

He catches himself a moment later, inspecting the almost pouting look behind the mask and decides to drop the topic for now. Instead, he raises his bottle at Simon, "To leave, aye?".

Ghost does the same, their bottles clinking. 

"Cheers."

"Slàinte Mhath." 

Crisp and cold. Fuck he'd missed beer. Missed a lot of things during that last OP. Food that tasted like actual food was one, bringing him back to his original line of questioning. It shouldn't be surprising that Ghost is not into cooking. He's the only person Soap has ever seen eating anything from the mess with true enthusiasm. Sorts his MREs by how much he likes them too when he thinks no one is looking. Always eating the best first.

"Not much of a cook then?" he keeps his tone light and innocent while sipping his beer. Trying to observe Simon's reactions without making him feel watched.

"I can handle meat," There's a stupid smirk traded between them and Soap would roll his eyes if he didn't have to reign himself in, immediately set ablaze by the stupid joke.

"Learned at a butchers before I joined." Ghost offers up by way of explanation, sounding almost sad. Something must've happened there, something that had Simon ending up in the force. Something that led to him becoming Ghost.

"Well perfect, I'm not terrible but I do handle meat way better in the bedroom." Soap winks at him and this time, to make sure the innuendo lands painfully enough to pull Ghost out of his head. 

It does and earns him an exasperated look. Might have convinced him if those brown eyes weren't full of fondness. 

He's gonna leave Ghost with the belief that he's not learning to see behind the mask for a little longer: Wants him to feel comfortable. No need to divulge that his tone clearly betrayed that he's got no idea how to cook apart from putting some meat into a pan and put all his hope into some cook in bags. Lots of people couldn't cook, it wasn't a big deal.

Only that it is not just that. From the few things he's told Soap about himself, it makes sense, in a sad way.

Simon, who confronts being gay like being in battle, all hyper-masculine energy focused on fighting through all the hurtful stereotypes and insults his father planted in his head, probably never got to do a lot of things that weren't 'manly'. Makes him wonder where the needle skills come from but only for a split second before he decides he's gonna do something about this then.

"So what is yer favourite food then?" 

"Don't really 'ave one." the stoic bastard answers and Soap has to think about the MREs but also has no trouble believing that that is a luxury the other man doesn't allow himself to ponder. Thinks he doesn't deserve it.

Not that'll stop him. Quite the opposite, now he's motivated.

"Alright, anythin ye could be doin with right now?" 

He watches Ghost's eyes dart through the kitchen seemingly looking for a clue. Bouncing of cabinets and shelves before he takes a swig of his beer.

"No." he finally answers, sounding like he's withdrawing into himself again. For fucks sake.

Soap smiles at him hiding his exasperation away before it can reach his face, doesn't need his emotions to make this harder on both of them. 

"Well too bad, yer at ma mercy." He lets his smile dip into something devilish and revels in the note of alarm in Simon's lovely eyes. It's quickly replaced with confusion as Soap presses a knife into his hands. He stands there, looking for all accounts like a very misplaced ghoul. Very deadly but also kinda endearing.

"Ye can cut the onion, garlic, are chilis fine with ye? If so, cut two of those too and make sure ye wash yer hands after tha'. 

They work in silence for a moment, Ghost's dutifully following Soap's command without any complaints. When Soap begins to sear the meat he explains what he's doing and asks for input from Ghost. He's rewarded with warm surprise on the mostly masked features before Ghost starts talking, softer than his usual tone when he's guiding Soap through something job-related, becoming almost reverent when he sees Soap adjust to what he just said. And Soap tries to be careful with his usual ribbing jokes, not wanting to disturb the equilibrium that is Ghost relaxing in his flat.

When the other ingredients are added he takes over again. Talking the lieutenant through the process. Explaining his steps when he knows why they're important and freely admitting defeat when he doesn't. 

They drink their beers and cook, Ghost once more following every step that Soap lays out for him and Soap silently trying to impress him. Not that he was gonna admit that to either himself or anyone else.

"Who taught you all tha'?", they're just waiting for the pasta now, the sauce down and bubbling away on low heat, leaning against each other, Soaps head resting on Ghost's shoulder. Outright domestic. 

"Ma grannie," Soap smiles fondly at the memory of the tiny woman with her sincere blue eyes. "Told me being a lad was no excuse and Ah'd better know ma way around a kitchen for ma future burd." he winks at Ghost who goes surprisingly red surprisingly fast clearly visible even behind the mask. "When Ah told her Ah'm a buftie she doubled down. Ian she said, refused to call me John ye see forever angry tha' ma da went with the anglicised version, anyways, Ian she said if ye're bringing home another man one of ye will need to know how to cook or for all yer gay love ye'll focking starve." he can almost hear hear as his accent gets thicker and something between wild joy and bottomless sorrow tears through his chest at the memory.

There's a beat of silence before a weird noise breaks it. It's a rough quick sound and it takes Soap a second to realise that Simon just snorted. 

"Well thank fuck for grandma MacTavish and her foresight!" he pulls his almost empty beer bottle into the air dramatically and they toast again. 

Soap's smile is wide, imagining what his nan's reaction to Ghost would've been. 

They might have gotten on entirely too well. 

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

okay your first day of trying to Be A Person Who Ate Meals was not, uh, wildly successful, but generally your first anything is not always going to be great.

now

-DRINK SOMETHING YOU ARE THIRSTY. something with CALORIES maybe gatorade so you can do the How Good Does The Gatorade Taste metric for if your electrolytes are not ideal.

-in the light, assess the cat litter situation and do... something about it, please. yes, now. yes, at 5AM because if you keep postponing you will keep postponing forever. Castille needs her human mom to do things for her because she does not have thumbs. you are RESPONSIBLE for this cat.

(note: you are ALSO responsible for you. you have to treat yourself at least as well as you treat your cat. "it's not as bad when I hurt myself because at least the only person I'm hurting is ME, which is objectively better than hurting friends or cats or strangers," friend, buddy, self, that is not a tenable way of thinking about your human meat body. if you cannot manage to be your own friend, at least be your own cat.)

-feed the cat take the meds.

-you cannot take a bath now at 5 in the fuckening ayem. what you CAN do is (a take a very QUICK washup of some kind tomorrow at like 2-2:30, feel free to log off work half an hour early in order to do this, whatever and (b when you go to the hair appointment, tell the hair person very flatly that you have not washed your hair in you forget how long, maybe they can guess, and also that you are self-conscious about this thing and cannot handle jokes about it in any way at all (a previous hair stylist said something very mildly rude to me about having dirty hair once and it Lives In My Brain now. maybe if I am subjecting people to my dirty hair I should at least have the decency to let them make fun of me? but whatever, I do not have that.)

-make sure you have a drink to drink on your bedside table so you can Adderall even before you develop legs-based mobility skills.

-set an alarm for 9AM even though this means you will get like four hours of sleep literally less than a day after you were like "I am RESOLVED to take better care of my STUPID HUMAN MEAT BODY" okay you didn't do that, that doesn't mean you are DOOMED to NEVER do it, just that you haven't yet. try again.

TOMORROW.

-doctor's appointment at 9:30, alas.

YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR GASTROENTEROLOGIST ABOUT YOUR ACTIVE AND MEDICALLY SIGNIFICANT EATING DISORDER. YOU HAVE TO. I know you don't want to, I know you are worried she will be like "well, you have to stop right away now" like that is easy/possible, or "why didn't you tell me earlier?" like people often do or "it is dangerous and bad to have an eating disorder with gastroparesis" which you know, or "oh, now it is your own fault for having gastroparesis because you have an active eating disorder and that can cause gastroparesis so therefore it is YOUR FAULT that you are sick and I will give you judgement and/or worse medical care now"

-she might say some of those things! you still have to tell her because she is your stomach doctor and your eating disorder is a stomach disorder, in fact. like, mostly a brain disorder, but it impacts your stomach.

-no, literally, you have to. I know it is hard.

-if she is bad about it, you can take the morning off work if you are feeling Big Triggered

-whether or not she is bad about it you can text Zoe and be like "I did a big brave thing, please send me a picture of your dog," and she probably will, because you WILL have done a big brave thing

-if you think about it, in the morning before doctor, text your friends to be like "please praise me when I do this brave thing" and then text them after to be like PRAISE ME I HAVE DONE THE THING.

-fortunately, your parents already want you to get a new gastroenterologist, so if she is Extremely Very Bad about you having an ED and not telling her at all for like five years, you can just... get a new gastroenterologist. you don't have to tell them why! if the new gastroenterologist you get ALSO triggers you out of your mind after the first one does, you can say "I did not vibe with New Gastroenterologist" and get a second new one until you, like, find one who is ED competent and not a dick.

-so anyway, go to the doctor, tell her about ED Big Problem Times.

-tell her about how garbage your parents are, it will help probably, she will not go "no I met your dad once, he cannot possibly be garbage at believing you need medical care" she is not invested in your parents' goodness in that way.

AFTER doctor

-ORDER FOOD EARLY yes ANOTHER smoothie, I know that is the only thing you have been reliably eating lately and are afraid that your brain will abruptly stop letting you eat it if you eat it too much, but also, you need to eat Right Now Tomorrow and you cannot fix future problems without getting the present ones under control

-EAT BEFORE HAIRCUT

-work, unless you decide not work because of too many problems. you can, if you need to!

-you can literally take a sick day any day this week and probably you should, like, consider taking one wherein you are like "hello I am having Nonspecific Medical Situation and it might be helpful to take 24 hours to do nothing but Human Meat Body Maintenance, I know I took a vacation like two weeks ago, but this problem is happening in the present" and your boss will NOT be a dick about it, he is kind and understanding and compassionate.

-some sort of shower/bath/sitting on the edge of the bathtub and washing up with soap and a washcloth situation, whatever you have spoons for so your body does not smell. do this at 2:30 at the latest.

-literally just take a Klonopin before your haircut, I know it feels stupid to need to but do you need Additional Stress on the day of today? no! just take the goddamn drug.

-check google maps to tell you when you should leave for haircut, and then leave for haircut at this time. haircut is at 4, so no later than 3:30 and earlier if Google Maps says.

-haircut, alas.

AFTER haircut

-FOOD AGAIN it would be, like, good if you could heat up your fridge soup which is good and tasty and you like it, but if you want something else or need something else or WHATEVER, all normal rules about Takeout Frequency are suspended until your body is not starving, yes, really, yes they are, really.

-bad hospital times are, in fact, even MORE expensive than takeout, so there! it is even money logic.

-ADLS if you can do them, you have a list

-if you are too brains, literally just don't do them

-try to listen to a podcast maybe

FOOD AGAIN.

BED ON TIME.