#also the more rewatches I do the less I hate harper cause girl is a VICTIM!!!!

[maroonangels]

harper mclean they could never make me hate you more than I hate dusty AMEN

[bellamyblake]

I dont wanna be mean but I Have been rewatching lately and I realized that Clarke's live is tragic it is but Bellamy's more Fucked up

in many ways i agree with this mostly because i’ve been thinking about it since he died a lot. 

and yes i do think clarke’s life is very tragic but what i do think also happened to her is that the SL itself punished her unnicessarily especially in the last season, in ways that...if you count all of eliza’s scenes, about 80% of them are her crying and it honestly got very very exhausting. even to watch. as good as she is and she is great, it gets repetitive. she sells it but you start wondering gd why?? you become indifferent at some point to it all.

that aside, i do agree because of a few major points.

bellamy’s never had a happy childhood. 

of course we don’t know what his life was like before O.ctavia was born. i like to think that maybe there was a glimpse of hope there. i think and hope too that bob wanted his filipino heritige respect though it never was but in my headcanon land he had a filipino dad who loved him dearly and who died tragically after which things went very wrong. but i believe he was loved dearly. 

yet canon and the writers i think tried to instill the idea that aurora slept with random men so neither his nor o’s father are known. however i do believe aurora must’ve loved him a lot when he was born and i think he was a mama’s boy before O was born and everything concentrated solely on her.

so yes, he’s had a very unhappy childhood. a childhood marked by mostly FEAR and that is no way for a child to live and whilst Clarke has had a tragic life we have seen her past and we know she had a family-a dad and a mom, a father who loved her dearly, she was clearly a dada’s girl, the apple of his eye, he understood her, they were connected, which is why she sees him so often in memories or when she is in situations where she almost *dies*. and as complicated as her relationship with her mother is, it’s clear abby’s love for her is very strong even if their relationship was strained by Jake’s passing.

so clarke had a family, she lived in Alpha where we know conditions were better and she was best friend with the chancellor’s son. i’d say up to the point where her father died things were probably pretty rosy.

meanwhile bellamy became a parent more or less at the age of seven. a child was placed in his hands in the way a mother passes a newborn to her husband, and he becomes responsible for a life that technically-

is not allowed to exist.

just let that whole part sink in cause that’s the tragedy of him.

he lived in absolute fear of the worst happening.  forced to become a guard so he could protect her, share rations with his forbidden sister so she could live and help his mother out.

then his worst fear happened.

because of HIMSELF!

the one moment he dared reach for happiness it was taken from him. and it killed his mom who he clearly loves very much and locked his sister who we know he loves beyond himself.

a year of absolutely lonliness, guilt-rideness and pain passes.

then he goes to earth and his sister who’s finally free decides to have a life of her own and split like every child does at some point, from her family. be free because she’s been locked up all her life and he’s left..confused?? doing irrational things, trying to control what he no longer can control.

trying to hold on to love.

because in all the pain and suffering he did have a family-his mom and his sister.

but now it’s gone.

then he grows to love and care for the 100. for clarke.

and he goes into a mountain to save them.

but instead ends up committing genocide.

meanwhile his sister runs off with a grounder (which...i have thoughts on o’s love life but i wont go there now).

and then he’s left alone by the one person he still had in his life. and let’s be real i love the blakes but they were never truly resolved. they came close to it in season 6 but it wasn’t truly done well. so i think it’s fair to say that from the moment he touches the ground, even though he does it for his sister-

he loses her.

and he only has clarke left.

but clarke leaves.

so he’s loveless, empty, broken and absolutely destroyed by the fact that he killed a mountain full of people some of whom were good and tried to save them.

he’s destroyed inside.

and then on and on-the pike manipulation, the massacre, more guilt, more pain. the death wave and a weightless loseless fight that bears no meaning but he tries he tries he goddamn tries

though he doesn’t know why, surely not for himself. for O? for clarke? for the others? for his people?

what is there left for him to do.

aurora blake raised no suiciders. no losers. he can’t kill himself as much as death seems alluring.

what i find the saddest is that he has no real love in his life. yes he has clarke and yes we know they were written as romantic but it was never canon canon so he doesn’t have this great epic love story that all the other characters have-clarke with L, o with Lincoln, raven with f/nn, jasper with maya, monty with harper, lastly john with emori which i think was the best written one.

and that is the tragedy indeed. 

because he IS the character who is the MOST heart even at his *head*-est and yet he is denied love. he’s denied a great love story (again bellarke-aside here). he is DENIED his heart being loved the way it loves, he is denied the gentleness of a soft, kind, filled with extremes-ups and downs, or even challenges, love.

he’s denied it.

the heart is denied love.

i don’t count e/cho. im sorry but that just as clarke killing him was done purely out of spite. there was no real love there, no emotion, no romance. it was a time jump relationship just like his one with gina. he’s REFUSED a great love story. 

he has it with clarke. but he’s denied actually going there too. 

i find it sad because love spills out of him in waves, all of himself he gives out, all of his softness kindness, even his flaws, he lets out in the open and says this is me, i am not ashamed of myself. i may hate myself but i love. 

and there’s no one to love him back.

and then in the end of course im saddest because we’ve seen the craziest shit on earth and he’s still denied understanding from his friends. but i wont go there because it hurts too much.

so yes clarke lost a lot. she lost L and she lost madi in a way and she lost her dad and her mom. but she’s had happiness in her life, she’s had a family, she’s had great love, she’s even had the cutesy teenage drama romance with f/nn and then a good love and then yes death and pain. she is separated from her friends, she is punished unnecessarily like he is too.

but she’s known it.

and she’s known the peace from those 6 years on earth. peace he craved and strived towards in the end. she’s had that with madi. whilst he’s spent that punishing himself over leaving her behind and once again trying to keep their people together in her abscence to honor her.

i’m sure he’s had happy moments. maybe glimpses. like bob said, glimpses of peace. maybe he’s had glimpses of happiness too. when he was baby boy and his mom picked him from his crib or his dad carried him arround or when he carried O around and talked to her. or when he was hugged by clarke.

but he should’ve had more. 

he deserved more. 

[blodkru]

You Could Have Done So Much

Linctavia fic. Hamilton inspired.

This is something I wrote while rewatching season 3 today. I needed it and for season 4 and 5 to not exist for a very brief moment. It’s more or less a bunch of thoughts at once and I apologize if it doesn’t make sense. If you’re tagged and don’t want to be, I’d appreciate a RB but I understand if you don’t or don’t like it.

Word count: 3015

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I finally stopped crying.

 She writes the words down with shaking fingers. It hurts just as much as it did the first time she ever wrote in the journal. It doesn’t get better, much to everyone’s disagreement. She’s tired of hearing it really. But she let’s them hope she will be okay, eventually, that she’ll be able to be herself again. But it’s only been 3 years.

Or already 3 years depending how you see it.

3 years since A. L. I.E. Since Roan became King of both Azgeda and the 13 Clans. She’s surprised how well he’s done. But then again, he’s doing what he said he would. He hasn’t lied since he became King. At least, not to Spacekru. Part of her is glad he’s done so well. Clarke becoming a Nightblood had complicated things but only temporarily. Once she found out A. L. I.E. had been lying about the nuclear plants, Clarke wanted nothing to do with being a leader. Octavia had expected her to go back to Floukru with Luna. Something in her had changed once Lexa died; Octavia can’t blame her. Something in her died the day he died. And she wasn’t a leader. Sure, Skairipa was someone people looked up to. But thankfully not to the extent they did Wanheda.

The last she did hear from Clarke, she was in Polis on an ambassador visit. With Bellamy. She wished the two of them would get it over with and become official. Everyone in the 100 wanted them to be together, she wanted them together, even those in Arkadia could see it. If Finn, Lexa, Gina, and Echo couldn’t get in the way then maybe they needed to get it together. Get together.

But it’s never that easy and she knows it.

It had been a full 2 years since she had been in Arkadia, refusing to go there after everything. Seeing the faces of those who all but caused the disasters that happened was nearly impossible. Even seeing Monty’s always kind face was difficult at first. He and Harper did their best to soothe the nightmares she had; more than once she woke to the woman’s concerned face and let herself be comforted. Bellamy would have done the same if she allowed him near her. He was her brother but part of her would never forgive him. He had come to understand that.

But he did send her off with one hug. She couldn’t stay in Arkadia, she needed to leave and find herself. “I love you, O.” He had squeezed her tight and she nodded into his shoulder. She hadn’t been able to make herself respond. She held on for a moment longer before mounting a new horse she came across- Icarus, she named him- and left. Monty had given her a satchel full of just about any medication she would need. And moonshine, of course. Raven gave her a small radio she could use if she ever was in trouble.

“Or if you miss us.” The brunette had shrugged. Octavia had taken it hesitantly. She wasn’t sure if she would ever use it; trouble or not. Abby gave her more medication and told her to please be safe. Even Clarke had sent her off. She had simply told her to be safe and if she was ever in need of supplies, Nylah would never charge her for them at the trading post.

2 years had felt like so much and no time all at once. She of course had seen her friends and brother since then. Once every 3 or 4 months they would run into each other in one place or another. Mainly the trading post. She quickly figured out Nylah would let Spacekru know when she would be at the post for more than 1 day. They would show up only hours later. Part of her wanted to hate the woman for doing so. But she couldn’t, not with every kind and knowing word she would say.

 I spoke to the last of your friends yesterday. You left a journal with him, too.

 Since leaving Arkadia, Octavia had traveled. With boarders being less of a factor now- and people fearing Skairipa- she was able to go nearly wherever she pleased. She decided on tracking down any and everyone who knew him. It was hard, much harder than she even thought possible, but she managed. She started with Indra.

“He was a great healer, Octavia. You know just as I do.” Getting the warrior to open up had been difficult in its own way. Octavia pleaded with her multiple times; had sat outside her hut for three days until Indra relented. Indra had watched him grow up, they were both Trikru after all. He had grown kinder than other boys; he hadn’t wanted to be a warrior. Much to his father’s chagrin. His mother died when he was only 6 years old from a disease that took a dozen or so others with her. Since then, he had wanted to be a healer and help others. Especially since the man in the ship who his father made him kill. Octavia had left more than satisfied. She wrote everything down in the same journal he had given her.

She couldn’t bring herself to ever lose it.

She found others soon after Indra. The woman had let slip that Octavia was looking for others who could tell her about him. Friends of his came out of nowhere. As far as Octavia had known, he didn’t have many friends. But people did know about him. Many men, woman, even one or two children sought out the infamous killer from the sky. The told her stories, times he had helped them. Sickness, injury, anything. If he was needed, he would help.

It wasn’t long before she found out he would leave journals with these people. Much like the one she had; drawings, notes, medicine ingredients littered the pages. The all too familiar handwriting was like a blessing each time she would meet someone who had one. More than not, they would give them to her. The first woman had all but shoved it into her hand. She refused to keep it, claiming she had memorized everything she needed, and Octavia should have it. Everyone knew of the grounder and sky girl who fell in love. They wanted to help the love story in some capacity.  She hardly slept. She stayed awake days at a time just reading everything he wrote. It took her almost the full two years since she left to find them all.

The last notebook came in the form of a young man on the outskirts of Trishanakru. Him, his parents, and brothers. They had also heard of the girl seeking notebooks from her lost love. The mother had greeted her with a hug Octavia tried to keep away from. The father asked her to stay for dinner and rest in their spare shed. “Even killers such as yourself need rest.” She had grimaced and politely declined. Only when she was given the last journal did she change her mind.

He cornered her just as she was about to mount Icarus. “Wait!” He came running out of the home and up to her. He held out a notebook a little smaller than the others. “Stay, please. I want you to have this and please stay. Just for the night.” She had taken the book and flipped to the front page. Handwriting she would know anywhere met her. She held the book to her chest as she considered the offer.

She accepted.

 You wrote so much. I’m surprised you didn’t write books. Encyclopedias even. Some of it makes no sense to me- what even is a pomegranate? I wish you could explain it to me.

 Making her way back to Polis had been a hard decision.

But word had spread that King Roan was having the leaders and ambassadors of every Clan meet. She wasn’t part of a Clan anymore…was she? Two years on her, going here or there, led her to feeling like she belonged in no clan. Nokru. A Clan of one. She decided to go there and see what the meeting was about.

She hadn’t expected to come back to the mess she did. Then again, everywhere seemed to be a mess really. Something was always going wrong. She arrived in Polis the day of the meeting. The city had been surprisingly quiet as she entered. Even Icarus seemed uneasy. When she came to the tower, it was almost like they were expecting her. She left her horse there but took her bag. It held every single notebook she had managed to find, and she refused to be separated from it. She walked right up to the war counsel room and entered without a second thought. All 13 Clan leaders and ambassadors surrounded the center table.

“Octavia?” Of course, her brother had been there. He had grown a not too shabby beard and looked less tired than the last time she’d seen him. Clarke hung by his side; it took Octavia seconds to realize they held hands. She bit back the smile that almost surfaced.

“Skairipa, nice of you to join us.” Roan addressed her. She nodded at him and was pleased to see Indra to his right. She hadn’t seen the woman in over a year. Octavia weaved through the bodies in the room and came to stand next to Indra. The older woman welcomed her at her side. “As I was saying, about the attacks.” Roan continued what they had been discussing. Octavia scanned the small crowd for faces she knew. Bellamy and Clarke, Kane and Abby, two or three ambassadors from neighboring Clans, Echo (the woman’s face made her want to gouge out her eyes). To her surprise, Luna had been there. The curly haired woman met her eyes with a sad stricken face.

Octavia found out quickly how dire the situation was. A group of rogue Grounders were slaughtering villages. They killed anyone just for the food and shelter. Many children were left orphaned and starving. Three parties were being sent out: one to find and bring the children to Polis, another to provide medical care to any they found, and the last to stop the rogues. Octavia didn’t hesitate to volunteer for the last one. Along with nearly half the group. It was decided Skaikru would lead the medical party. With Clarke and Abby as the only doctors in the group. The scout party would be led by Indra and Luna, along with an ambassador from Trishanakru and Podakru.

Roan and Echo would lead the kill squad. Octavia had bit her tongue about Echo. Roan had nearly banished her for betraying Skaikru and attempting to kill Octavia. How could anyone trust her now? It didn’t matter in the end. The found the men who were behind the killings and heresy. They found them camped out near Arkadia of all places. There were more casualties than Octavia had wanted. She left the battle bruised and bloody; nothing unusual. Bellamy had broken his hand beating the living hell out of one man. Even Roan walked away with a broken nose and bruised ribs. But the men had been caught and dealt with in a more humane way than Octavia had wanted.

With the men taken care of, they had found some people had been kept as prisoners. Specifically young girls. Octavia had been disgusted and set them free with Echo’s help. The girl’s and woman cried and thanked them as they were led to safety. Octavia refused to accept the praise. Echo had shrugged and told her she should accept it. “You saved their lives. Who knows what would have happened to them if we hadn’t found them in time.” Malice echoed her words. Octavia reciprocated her anger. For once, she was glad to be back in battle. Blood, bruises, and everything that came with it.

 I think you would be proud of me. I killed for a cause this time, saved people. You should have seen how many people there were. So many little girls who didn’t know what was going on. I couldn’t just leave, right?

 One little girl attaches herself to Octavia. Her hair was deep brown with dozens of braids. Her skin such a familiar sepia it was almost odd. Her eyes are what got Octavia. The light brown made the hardened warrior melt. The little girl had appeared by her side one day a week after the incident. She sat on the floor next to Octavia’s feet and stayed there the whole time Octavia spoke to Clarke. The older of the two had been checking up on her injuries when suddenly, there was a child. Neither thought much of it as the infirmary was crowded with injured and scared children. But when Octavia tried to leave, the little girl had gotten up and followed. Octavia thought it was odd to say the least.

“Maybe she likes you. You are well known, after all.” Clarke had shrugged and left the two. The little girl couldn’t have been more than 8 years old. She wore simple black pants and a shirt and looked like she needed a bath. And shoes. Her tiny feet were bare and red. Octavia had looked around petrified for a moment. Who was this child? Why was she following her?

“What’s your name?” She finally spoke to the girl.

 You’d like her, Linc. She looks so much like you it had me almost in tears all over again. She even acts like you I have to think you had a secret child you never told me about. She’s quiet but loves learning. Especially about medicine and healing. She spends almost as much time with Clarke and Abby as she does me. Bellamy likes her and thinks she’s good for me. Just like you were. But her eyes are what get me the most. I don’t think I’ve been able to look her in the eyes without almost breaking down. I think she understands, though. She asks about you. Who you were, what you were like, why you wrote so much. I tell her everything. About you, you saving me when I fell off that damn embankment. You helping Skaikru. Arkadia. Even about us almost escaping to Luna. She likes that story the best. I do too. Sometimes she tells me to rewrite it like we did make it. I haven’t been able to. For now, she likes reading your journals and learning everything you’ve taught everyone else. What you taught me.

 Octavia sits in front of a fire. It’s been another 2 years. 2 years since the last entry she had written. She has all the journals still and reads them frequently. More than she did any mythology book Bellamy gave her. She reads them to Rory mostly. The little girl she’s come to love is now 9 and still loves bedtime stories. Love. Octavia doesn’t know how the word snuck its way back into her life but it did. Along with every emotion and heartache that came with it. She wouldn’t change it for anything.

Since Polis, she continued traveling. Only this time she had a purpose. She became a tracker and map maker. There had to be more of the world than the small area of TonDC and Azgeda. The desert could surely only go on for so long. So, when Roan approached her with plans to seek the West, Octavia took the job happily. Rory would come with her along with anyone else she wanted to take. She had been hesitant to take anyone else. Only when Indra and Bellamy found out her plan to leave at night did she allow others to come. Bellamy brought Clarke, of course. Indra brought Gaia. It was startling to see the Flame Keeper after so many years. She had chopped her hair off and wore more warrior type clothing like her mother.

Together, the group of 6 found life in parts of the world they never thought possible.

Octavia looked up at the sky and down to the body in front of her. Rory lay between her legs with her head resting on Octavia’s chest. She kept her legs tight around the girl, always afraid of letting her go. Bellamy and Clarke were fast asleep on the other side of the fire. Indra and Gaia are looking at maps and writing down everything they’ve come across. They don’t seem to notice Octavia as she looks at her makeshift family.

Family is a word she never thought would be in life again. After losing her mother, Lincoln, almost Bellamy, and even herself. But she has her odd family now and wouldn’t give it up for anything. There was only one person missing from it. But he was there, as long as Octavia continued to read his journals and tell his stories. Their stories. Soon to be Rory and the rest of the family’s stories. They’ve formed their own nomad Kru now. The name was hard for her to get use to, but she knew Rory meant well when they all discussed it. It was to honor him.

He would live on and he would be there with her.

 Though I can’t wait to see you again, I know I have to keep living. For Bellamy, for Rory. Even for Clarke, Indra, and Gaia. We’ve found so much I can’t wait to tell you about it all. I’ve started writing in my own journals since this one is becoming a little worse for wear. Rory still reads them and can quote front to back. I hope you’re watching somewhere. I hope you can see me and what I’m doing for our people, for the world. For you. I think this will be my last entry in this journal. Hopefully by the time I pass these on, the words won’t be faded or total nonsense. It’s only a matter of time.

May we meet again.

Octavia kom Linckru.

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Tagged (I hope you guys liked it?)

@and-now-youre-home  @madigriffen @gardenofstories @miles-ezekiel @bellarke-stydia-olicity