#also the optimization. it would be nice for my laptop to not try and kill itself while running the game lmao

[disaster-magician]

Introducing my FoM farmer, Radio! They're part fae, a bi disaster, and quite clumsy at everything besides music and mining surprisingly.

Better quality picture and lots of ramblings under the cut! 💖

They seem a bit ditzy and gullible at first, but are very knowledgeable about music and fey legends/magic! She tries to stay upbeat and positive, a huge contrast to her crush- uh, new friend March!

Pixel art is so hard I'm never doing this again

Their closest friends in town besides the super cute grumpy blacksmith are Valen(she spends a lot of time getting scratches patched up), Hayden(their shared love of animals and sunshine personalities meant they got along pretty fast), Reina(Radio can't cook for shit and she highly admires those who can), and Ryis(They're gonna build that fucking birdhouse if it's the last thing they do.) Once Caldarus is fully in the game they'll become really close too, chatting about magic and what Mistria used to look like. Although honestly, Dozy and the kids might be her overall favorites in town...

They moved to Mistria after losing the last family member she had left to try and get a change of scenery. It seems to be going pretty well- maybe it was destiny that she moved here after all.

A few fun facts about her:

She dislikes all cake and her hated item would be tomato.

She's VERY short, like one of if not the shortest adult villager in town.

They like to peel and eat straight lemons but stopped doing that in public after March told her it was weird. Absolutely still does it at home, though.

Yeah, Radio is a nickname! Her full name is something fae that's extremely long and pretty much unpronounceable to most humans so Radio is just easier. Her closest friends get to call them Reeds or Dee instead.

They would change their hairstyle every season along with the outfit, and the one I drew is the fall style which is why it doesn't exactly match her in game sprite!

Their ears wriggle a lot when she emotes, and tend to flush when she's flustered or embarrassed! They've started to wear their hair loose or wear hats more often around a certain fake redhead for no reason at all...

In the canon story in my head, March actually falls for her first! It's definitely "it's not like I lay awake at night thinking about them! ...Uh oh" vibes for the poor guy. Radio isn't too far behind in terms of gaining romantic feelings, but is much worse at recognizing their emotions and wouldn't realize it until someone else pointed it out.

If you wanted to know more, please don't be shy to send questions to my ask box! I'd love to talk about her more 💕

[tenroseforeverandever]

Optimal Distance

Characters: Tentoo; Rose Tyler; Tentoo x Rose

Tags: lemons; lemons on video chat; mutual self-applied lemons; basically loads of lemons!; and the usual fluff, hurt/comfort, humour stuff

Summary: Rose has been feeling sad, lonely, and a little bit envious, left to endure the dreary London winter, while the Doctor has been posted on assignment in Rio, setting up a new Torchwood branch. But a comment the Doctor makes about a strangely bare desk in his otherwise cluttered study inspires Rose to find a way to bring them closer together, even though they are half a world apart.

Notes: This fic is one of many that had been lingering, stagnating in my collection of unfinished fics, just waiting for inspiration to strike.

Many thanks as always to my wonderful betas, @rose--nebula and mrsbertucci. You are absolutely brilliant, and I have no idea what I would do without you. And thanks to @aintfraidanoghosts who is always a voice of inspiration and encouragement (especially if she hears lemons on the menu!) I love you all!

I made quite a few tweaks and edits since they saw it, so as always, any mistakes are mine.I hope you like it!

Also read on AO3 and Teaspoon

OPTIMAL DISTANCE

“Done! You should be getting it any second now!” Rose crowed into her mobile with a rather disproportionate sense of triumph. All she had accomplished was to send the Doctor an email, albeit one with a very important file attached; a file she’d had to navigate his shambolic cataloguing system to find, and that only after she’d excavated his laptop from beneath heaps of books, papers, and crumpled sticky notes on the floor beside his desk.

“Got it!” he cheered. ���You are brilliant, you are! A real lifesaver, Rose Tyler! See? My lucky pants, near or far. It’s a good thing you couldn’t come with me, after all. Where would I be now, eh? Without you holding down the fort?”

“Yeah, right,” Rose muttered with a sulky huff, her victorious mood evaporating as she plopped down in the desk chair. She fought against the prickle of tears. She refused to cry about it anymore. It was her own fault she was restricted to paper-pushing for another six weeks. To be specific, she was tasked with reviewing and classifying field reports, a chore that only served to rub in the fact that she wasn’t out in the field, herself, defending the Earth from both alien and earth-born threats. Instead she had to read about it second-hand.

She knew she deserved every bit of punishment she’d received, from her brutal dressing-down from Pete and her subsequent demotion, to her month-long stint inventorying the Small Parts Department (literally the “nuts and bolts” of Torchwood, and ten times as dull as it sounded.) She had been careless and impulsive on a mission, showing off for the sake of a dare, and had nearly gotten herself killed.

The worst part had been the look on the Doctor’s face as he’d rushed into the Torchwood infirmary, not knowing what her condition was, thinking he might have lost her. The guilt she’d felt over worrying him would have been enough (a kazillion times over) to curb any future reckless, thoughtless acts. After everything they had been through, with only a single, human lifetime each, pledged to be spent together, she had nearly thrown it all away in one rash moment.

As it was, she had been lucky to have come away with only deep laser burns to her left shoulder.

She and the Doctor had clung to each other all that night, desperately making love until they were too exhausted to move.

That had been weeks ago now, and Rose was chafing at her restrictions, especially since Pete seemed to be intentionally sending the Doctor to conferences in the most wonderful, exotic locations around the world, places Rose was dying to explore with him. But Pete resolutely refused to allow her to join him.

On this current trip, the Doctor was helping establish a new Torchwood base in Rio de Janeiro, addressing the fledgling team on the importance of employing diplomacy and mediation in First Contact situations. Rio, for God’s sake! And here she was, stuck in the middle of the damp, chilly London winter. She huffed again over the phone.

“Would it help if I said I wasn’t having fun?” the Doctor asked over the upbeat sounds of Samba and boisterous voices in the background. She could just picture the scantily clad, feather-adorned (female) dancers.

“Yes…” Rose picked at the worn piping on the leather arm of the desk chair.

“Oh…”

“Sure doesn’t sound like anyone’s ready to listen to your First Contact presentation. Don’t know what the rush was…”

“Weeell, lunch is almost over, and we’ll be heading right back in. Then, I’ll be cracking the whip! But, blimey, the Brazilians know how to party!  As you can probably hear, they’d arranged for some entertainment over lunch: live band, dancers, the lot! Didn’t want to seem churlish.”

She’d been right about the dancers, then… “Don’t worry, Doctor. I’m just feelin’ sorry for myself. I should be gettin’ to bed, yeah. Loads of field reports to review, tomorrow. You have fun.”

“Right… weeell…” Rose could picture him scrubbing the back of his head with his right hand. “Thanks again. And for the record, I do wish you were here, love. It’s just not the same without you.”

“It’s a bit lonely here too.” She looked around his study, filled with reminders of his presence: it was cluttered with books and papers; an assortment of swivel-chairs, beanbags, and exercise balls; and seemingly arbitrary writing surfaces at various heights and orientations. The traditional desk, where she was currently sat, was essentially an afterthought, a horizontal surface suitable for a computer or a place to deposit bits and bobs, books, and papers. Except it was completely clear of clutter and serving no purpose. It was a beautiful piece of furniture, but she couldn’t imagine the Doctor ever using a desk like that.

“We should redecorate your study when you get home, Doctor,” she mused.

“What? Why?”

“Well, for one, this desk is taking up a lot of valuable space. We really should get rid of it. It’s nice. I bet we could sell–”

“No!” he cut her off. “I love that desk!” There was an overtone of panic in his voice.

“But you don’t use it for… well… for anything.”

“I’d rather hoped to use it someday… erm…” His voice trailed off, but quickly returned with his classic exuberance. “It’s nice and sturdy, Rose, and just the right height.”

“What the hell for? The right height for what?” Honestly, she was afraid to ask, but it was just lovely to talk to him and listen to him prattle on about nonsensical things. She missed this when he was abroad.

“Weeeell…” he stage-whispered into the phone, enthusiastic, but clearly not wanting anyone else to hear, “the height is exactly the optimal distance to take advantage of the length of your legs…”

“Wha? My legs…?”

“Blimey, Rose! This is not a good time. I’m not able to control this stupid body the way I… erm… weeell…” His tone became clipped, irritable. “I need to be focussed for this presentation.”

“Oh, never mind.” Though Rose’s curiosity had been piqued by his cryptic comments and the urgency in his voice, she knew he was on a tight schedule. “You better go give that presentation. Go on, then. Love you. Talk to you tomorrow.”

“Love you, too.”

It was only once she was in her bed, half asleep, with her thoughts restless and drifting, that she realized exactly what the Doctor wanted that desk for… She was suddenly wide awake, the whispers of a plan forming in her mind.

 --ooOoo--

Rose had spent the better part of the night ordering the things she needed to set her plan in motion. The online shop guaranteed next-day delivery and she hoped everything would be there when she arrived home from work. If she managed to slip away for the afternoon (without Pete finding out) as she’d planned, she would be able to message the Doctor just before his lunch… perfect!

She was relieved to have been able to escape the confines of her office with no one noticing, except Donna, the administrative assistant who, being every bit as brilliant as her Prime Universe counterpart, noticed everything. But she had just winked at Rose and signalled with a swipe of her thumb and pointer finger that her lips were sealed.

Rose’s excitement grew when she arrived home to find several large packages waiting for her in the hallway by the door of her flat, kindly left there by the landlady. Rose beamed, her heart pounding as she bustled into the flat, hurrying to get everything set in motion before she chickened out. She had never done anything quite as bold as this before – at least in terms of trying to seduce someone – and she rather hoped the Doctor would be… receptive. Considering he had seemingly procured the desk for a very specific (erotic) purpose, she figured he would be.

An hour later, she was turning up the heating against the chill of the wintery air. Her new outfit was not exactly intended to keep her warm. To be honest, she didn’t think she’d ever worn anything so barely-there (and glittery) before. She flushed, looking at herself in the mirror. It was a bit generous calling it an outfit at all. It was really just strategically placed jewelry.

It was a Samba ensemble, made of thin strips of pink, yellow, and clear crystals. The bra was a halter design, with clusters of gems dripping in simple floral patterns from her throat to just above her breasts. A single, large sparkling clear crystal shone between her breasts, supporting a band of smaller clear crystals that curved below them. Her nipples were (only just) covered with bright pink and yellow crystal flowers. She turned around to look at herself from the back. Her bum was essentially bare, the lower part of her outfit, a thong, impossibly skimpier than the bra and crafted of more of the glittery crystals. Matching wrist and shin cuffs adorned her limbs. Not for the first time that afternoon, she thanked the stars for her Torchwood training and active lifestyle for keeping her fit and trim.

After applying her most alluring make-up, she was ready for the final piece of the puzzle. With shaking hands, she positioned the headdress over her hair. It was heavy, heavier than she’d expected, encrusted with crystals over her forehead and in a band around her head. A pink and yellow fountain of ridiculous, great, feathery plumes erupted from the top.

Rose laughed at her image in the mirror. Ridiculous didn’t begin to cover it: it was completely daft. But the Doctor would love it… or so she hoped.

She made her way to his study where she had set up cameras to take photos of herself using a remote control. Her first pose had her facing the camera, one stilettoed foot hitched up on the desk, and her opposite hand touching her sex through the thin fabric of her bejewelled knickers. She made a point of allowing her tongue to poke out at the corner of her smile. That always drove the Doctor mental.

For her next pose she leaned over the desk, her bare bum inviting the Doctor to take her from behind, as she looked suggestively over her shoulder at the camera. She elected to forgo the third pose she had planned. She’d had to stop her headdress from toppling off several times during the second pose and was feeling rather hot and bothered… and not in a sexy way.

Regardless of the headdress mishaps, she was able to select an image she liked from both sets of photos and upload them to her mobile.

So, you like Samba, do ya? she texted the Doctor, along with the two photos. Meet me for lunch… video chat. I’ll show you my moves.  

If she’d worked out the timing right, he should be receiving the messages about ten minutes before he usually stopped for lunch. She intended to make sure there would only ever be one Samba dancer in his future. Her.

She giggled nervously. She really hoped he would take the bait.

She didn’t have to wait long. Her phone vibrated on the desk. She laughed at the Doctor’s message: Blimey! Don’t move! I’ll be there in five minutes. Meeting adjourned!

He’d taken the bait all right – hook, line, and sinker!

Now for the really challenging part: video phone sex. She’d never done anything like that before. She hoped she could pull it off.

 Rose scrambled to set up her mobile on the apparatus she’d purchased, just for this purpose, at the same time as she’d bought her Samba costume. She took a few quick test shots of herself, perched on the edge of the desk with her leg hitched up the way it had been for the first of the photos she had sent the Doctor a few minutes earlier. It took a few rushed and panicked adjustments, but she eventually got the angles just right to ensure the Doctor would get an eyeful!

She was just situating herself on the desk with her leg up again when her phone pinged with the Doctor’s incoming call on video chat. Her tummy was in knots with equal parts anticipation and mortification. Her fingers shaking, she depressed the button on the remote control she’d programmed to her phone and accepted his call.

The Doctor’s eager, bewildered face filled the entire screen, his eyebrows rising into his hairline at the image before him. “Fuuuuuuck…”

He was swearing, a sure sign she’d gotten his attention in the best possible way. There was only one time he ever swore (well, mostly) and that was during sex. Rose smirked as he reflexively licked his lips, boosting her confidence even more. Her voice still trembled, though. “Like what you see, Doctor?”

His hand ruffled his hair. (Rose was jealous of that hand.) “Weeell, I mean… yes! Of course, I do! Blimey! What’s not to love?” Two hands ran through his hair this time.

“B-better… better than the Samba dancers from lunchtime yesterday?” Rose pressed her lips together, and dropped her leg from it’s provocative pose, and she slid off the desk, suddenly uncertain again and feeling vulnerable, both craving and dreading his response.

The dazed shock on his face softened, full of sincerity and love. “The only person I’ll ever want to dance with, Rose Tyler, is you.”

“I feel so… stupid… doing this.”

“NO! No, no, no, no! This is perfect. Brilliant!”

“I don’t know what I’m doin’…”

For several anxious moments, they watched each other in silence. Then, suddenly, the Doctor spoke, his voice husky and low: “Oh, Rose, I wish I could touch you. I wish I could lean you over that desk, take you from behind, and fuck you senseless.”

Rose released a tense breath. He seemed to be taking the lead, putting that unstoppable gob of his to good use.

“But first, first I’d love to have you like this, facing me. I’d spread your legs and–”

“Like this?” Now that she was relaxing, Rose found herself quite eager to play her part. Holding her headdress in place, she hopped up on the edge of the desk again, leaning back on her hands, her legs splayed.

“Yes, just like that! Beautiful! You’re fucking gorgeous!”

Rose bit her lip, her breath hitching as a flood of warmth pooled low in her abdomen. Blimey, she loved when he talked dirty.

“I’d kneel down before you, goddess that you are, and pull aside those skimpy knickers and bury my face between your thighs.”

“Like this?” she repeated, drawing the soaking strip of fabric to one side, exposing her dripping core to the Doctor.

“Oh, you’re so wet, Rose. I just want to taste you.”

“Guuuuuuuhhh… yeah! Love your mouth on me.”  

“Oh, yes! I’d dip my tongue inside you, savour the taste of you (you taste so good, Rose!), and lick you all the way up to your clit. Fuck, you’re perfect,” he blurted as Rose used her finger to simulate the actions he described.

She sighed at the sensation, closing her eyes, wishing it was his tongue lapping along her aching slit, twirling around her clit.

“Oh Rose, my Rose… I’d stroke that lovely clit of yours with my tongue, up and around, up and around…”

Rose groaned out her pleasure, her fingers dancing over her damp sex. “God, Doctor, I love it when you fuck me with your tongue. Please,” she begged, looking him in the eyes, “I want to see you. I want to touch you too. I want my hands on your gorgeous, thick cock.”

“Fuuuuck, Rose! Wait! Just give me a moment.” His face disappeared from the phone. “Keep going!” his voice called from the background. “I’m still here, licking you, sucking you.” There was a loud clattering noise, and the image on the screen spun around. And then Doctor appeared again, from further away wearing only an oxford. His cock, long and hard, bobbed up against the fabric, leaving a wet stain on the front of the shirt. “There. I’ve propped my mobile up. Can you see me, love?”

“Yeah. ‘S good. So good!”

“Are you still touching yourself?”

“Yeah.” Rose’s eyes rolled back as she pressed down on her clit.

“So I see,” he moaned. “Oh, love…”

“I want you inside me, Doctor. I want to feel you fill me.”

Rose watched with a hooded gaze as he wrapped his hand around his cock. “Oh, I want that too. I want to feel you so hot and tight around me. Nothing feels better than that.” His hand stroked down, then up, with a twist at the top. “You’re so soft and wet…” down again, “and so fucking…” up and twist, “tight!”

At the same time, Rose plunged two fingers inside herself, finding that oh-so sensitive sweet spot, as she continued to work her clit with her thumb. She moved her fingers in and out, matching the rhythm of his stroking hand, the jewels around her breasts chafing her nipples with delicious friction as she moved. She added a third finger, stretching herself wide. “Oh, you’re so thick and hard… I love how you fill me. You feel so good!”

“Fuck, Rose… so do you. You look so fucking sexy.” His hand began to stroke faster. Rose watched, mesmerized, as the dark, throbbing tip of his cock disappeared and reappeared from the circle of his fist. “Are you getting close?” His voice was tight, strained.

Rose continued to work herself, thighs trembling, slick, wet sounds accompanying her lusty groans. “So close…” she whimpered, feeling the familiar heat burning in her core, the pressure building. Her head lolled back… and suddenly she yelped as her headdress tumbled to the floor behind the desk. “Oh no! No!” Her hand stopped moving as despair welled up inside her.

“Rose! Don’t stop. Keep going.”

She wailed, “It’s no use.”

“You’re so beautiful, my precious girl. Oh, let me touch you more. Let me feel how warm and wet you are… I want to fuck you forever and never stop.”

Rose watched him on the small screen of her phone looking so wonderfully earnest, his cock in his hand, still hard, glistening with pre-come. He was bloody hot, and he was hers. The shock of losing her headdress was forgotten in a fresh rush of desire, and another flood of arousal, warm and slick, coated her fingers. “Touch me, Doctor,” she breathed, her thumb renewing its caresses over her clit.

“Oh, yes love… I want to run my fingers over your body; run my hands up your thighs and deep inside you. I love the sounds you make when I stroke you…”

“Please,” she whimpered, arching into the pressure of her thumb on her responsive skin.

“Let me fill you again…”

“Yes!” She watched, in awe, as his hand slowly resumed its motions – up, down, twist – over his long, hard member, and her fingers began their pumping motions again, curling and rubbing against her sweet spot rebuilding her sense of urgency with every stroke.

They were soon lost in their passion, both keening and groaning in a haze of lust and need. The fire within Rose burned hot again, deep in her sex, as she rolled her body over her fingers. The Doctor’s hand increased its speed once more. He was getting close, she could tell, he looked so wonderful and dishevelled, and his cock pulsed with every stroke of his hand. “Doctor!” she cried out. “I’m… I’m… gonna…”

“Hnnnngghhh…” he groaned. “Come for me. Let me see you come!”

Rose’s body vibrated with the need for release, her hand frantically pumping, her thumb pressing down, circling her clit, the heat and pressure building within her… and then, the Doctor shouted. Mesmerized, she watched as his seed spurted in ribbons from him, coating the front of his shirt, drizzling over his hand. The look of ecstasy on his face was enough to bring her over too. Her sex throbbed, grasping around her pumping fingers as she arched off the desk, the burning pressure in her core suddenly exploding outward, engulfing her.

 --ooOoo--

“Well, I need to get out of this ridiculous get-up,” Rose chuckled, pushing herself up to a sitting position. She had made her way back to the bedroom and lain down on the bed, while the Doctor lay on the bed in his hotel room. They had stayed that way for many wonderful minutes, gazing into each other’s eyes and talking quietly as they came down from the high of their orgasms.

The Doctor pouted. “And I suppose I need to get back to my meeting. They’ll all have finished their lunches.”

“Oh my God! You didn’t get to eat! Sorry. I guess I should have timed this better…”

“What? NO! This was perfect! A brilliant surprise. I feel perfectly satisfied.” He winked and flashed her an impudent grin. “I just can’t wait to take you over that desk in person, and peel that ‘ridiculous get-up’ off you, myself!”

“How much longer do you think you’re going to be there?” Rose bit her lip, clutching her mobile and regarding the Doctor’s image with imploring eyes. Training new teams of Torchwood personnel and operatives could be a time-consuming business and was an open-ended job. She and the Doctor could potentially be separated for several more weeks or…

“Just a few more days.”

“Really? You’re not jus’ sayin’ that?”

“Rose, (mostly) Time Lord here! If there’s one thing I know about, it’s time. Have you ever known me to misjudge…?”

Rose gave him a pointed look.

“Nah, don’t answer that. But honestly, love, we’ve only just started getting this lot familiarized with all the tech, today, but they seem to be a quick study, and a few of their key people will be returning to London with us for a tour and more in-depth, hands-on experience. Then Pete’s going to be relocating some of our more capable people to Rio for a few months to get things up and running properly. So, at most, another week.”

“A week?”

“At most… I promise. Now, as much as I would prefer to spend the day here with you, I have to act the responsible adult (complete rubbish, that!) and get back to my meeting. I’ll see you later, love.”

“Not if I see you first.” She blew him a kiss and offered him a little wave of her fingers before disconnecting their call.

 --ooOoo--

Five days later, she stood, poised sexily (she hoped) in the doorway of the Doctor’s study, wearing the Samba outfit, minus the ridiculous headdress (it would just get in the way), and watching as the Doctor pushed his way through the door of their flat. Her heart thrummed at the sight of him.

“Honey, I’m home,” he called out cheekily, making her laugh out loud.

“Right here… erm… Sugarbear,” she droned, her voice as sultry as she could make it through her giggles.

“Sugarbear? Really, Rose,” the Doctor closed the door behind him, “of all the names you could…” As he turned and took a step into the flat, his gaze locked onto her, eyes darkening as they roved over her bejewelled body. “Blimey… now this, this is a proper welcome home!” He dropped his bags and coat, leaving them behind, forgotten, as he strode toward her across the room, loosening his belt along the way.

Rose shuddered at the sight. Bloody hell, he was fucking gorgeous. And he was here. Home. With her. Her Doctor.

“You. Inside. Now,” he commanded, his hands settling over the bare skin of her waist, guiding her backwards into his study with firm pressure. Rose’s core ached in anticipation, a yearning heat coursing through her. His lips crashed against hers as they staggered further into the room, the kiss equal parts demanding and desperate, and Rose was sure she had never felt so desired, so loved.

When her bum hit the desk, she gasped, and suddenly, all the emotion she had been suppressing over the last few months surged to the surface: guilt and remorse, loneliness and jealousy, all whirling together in a maelstrom of unfettered passion, love, and vulnerability brought on by the Doctor’s assertive touch. The tears she had been holding back gushed over her cheeks.

“Rose? Love?” The Doctor broke the kiss, looking down at her with concerned eyes. “What’s wrong? Is this not all right? Was I too… weeell, enthusiastic?”

“No, oh my God, no,” she wept. “It’s… it’s perfect… Better than. I jus’… I jus’… I missed you… I didn’t realize jus’ how much…”.

In one swift movement, he swept his hands behind her legs and lifted her to perch on the edge of the desk. Then, spreading her thighs, he stepped between them and tipped her chin up for another marvelous snog, still passionate, but this time it was a sweet and tender, unhurried sort of passion. Rose melted into him, wrapping her arms around his neck, drawing him against her body and breathing in the comfort of his scent. They eventually drew away from the kiss with gentle pecks and nibbles.

They pressed their foreheads together, and panting softly, Rose spoke into the space between them, “Sorry, I’ve gone and ruined all this,” she gestured to the desk.

“Nah, don’t be silly.” He dabbed the tears from her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs. “Besides, I have a bit of news too. Might as well get it over with.” He sighed dramatically and pulled slightly away from her to fish in his jacket pocket. He pulled out an official-looking Torchwood envelope that he tossed down on the desk beside her.

“W’at’s this?”

“My new marching orders, I’m afraid. I leave in two days.”

“Two days,” she sobbed. “But you jus’ got home and–”.

Taking a deep steadying breath, she dragged a hand through her hair, pulling it back from her face. “God, I sound so needy and selfish… but I just missed you.”

“And I suppose, the fact that I was in Rio,” he smirked at her, his left eyebrow arched, “had nothing to do with it?”

“Oh, that just made me miss you even more, but I admit, I was a bit… envious.” She chuckled, leaning back to look him in the eye. “But you know that stuff doesn’t really matter, yeah, all the travelling? Never did. Just that we’re together. That’s what’s important.”

“Oh, I know,” he reassured her with a kiss on the forehead. “And you know I feel the same... don’t you?”

She nodded, placing her palm over his single, human heart. “Yeah, ‘course I do.” 

“And that’s why, Rose Tyler,” his deadpan expression transformed into a brilliant smile, “I’m happy to announce that your assignment is in that envelope too. This time, you’re coming with me.” He beamed at her, waggling his eyebrows and looking very pleased with himself.

She gawped. “But… wait. What?”

“That is, if you think you can be ready to go on such short notice.”

“You wanker!” She swatted his shoulder. “Of course, I’ll be ready!”

He giggled. “But, really, I mean… if it’s too much trouble, I could always just go back to Rio on my own, I suppose.”

There was a long silence as Rose processed what he had said. When she finally found her voice, the words tumbled from her mouth: “Shut up! No way! Rio? RIO?”

“Yu-p!” He grinned. “We’re the experts Pete’s going to send over for a couple of months to make sure everything’s up and running properly. He said he only wants to send the best, and weeeell… I mean look at us. The choice is obvious.”

“I don’t believe it. There must be a catch.”

“No-pe!” He popped his “p” again. “He wants to make sure the Brazilians get everything exactly right. And the best part is, we’ll be there for Carnival. It’s just a few weeks off.”

“What? Carnival? Really?”

“Yes-siree, Rose Tyler! You can even wear this outfit again, in an official capacity this time, of course, complete with headdress. And ooooh, we’ll bring the baby TARDIS along, too. She’ll love a change of scenery!”

“I still don’t believe Pete would just… Nah, you must ‘ave said somethin’ to ‘im, yeah? Not that I’m complainin’. It’s just he’s been so… lecture-y lately.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s been a right misery. And now this sudden change of heart…?”

“Weeell, I admit,” he pulled on his right ear, “I was all ready to go in today, guns-a-blazing, to try to convince him that enough was enough, but believe it or not, he had already made up his mind. He gave me the news during my debriefing this afternoon. By the way, you’re to meet with him tomorrow–”

“Urrrghh, that’ll be fun…”

“–to go over… erm some… stipulations, but essentially, it’s all set. Said he thought your diplomatic skills would be hugely beneficial over there. Personally,” he flashed her a cheeky grin, “I think he was just getting sick of your constant moaning.”

“Oi, Mister!” She feigned offence. “Is that so? Watch out! I’ll give you constant moaning!” She grabbed his tie and dragged him toward her for another impassioned kiss, then reached between them to fondle him through the fabric of his trousers. As she sucked and nibbled along his jawline, tracing her fingers up and down his growing length, a strangled sound tore from his throat.

She smirked. “Now, there’s the moaning…”

“Stop!” He grabbed her hand, his eyes blazing into hers, and she quivered in response, the hot rush of renewed arousal pooling between her legs. “No more teasing. Brilliant as the video-chat sex was, I’ve had enough of foreplay and imagining over the last few days to last me a lifetime. I am going to take you right here, right now, against this desk, and fuck you so hard you see stars.” He scrabbled at his trousers and boxers, pushing them down over his slim hips. Looking utterly debauched, with his suit jacket, oxford, and tie dishevelled but still in place, he took his thick, throbbing member in hand and gave it a few hard pumps. “You ready?”

“Am I ready? Fuck! I’ve been ready for days. Could hardly think of anything else.” She licked her lips as she took in the sight of his impressive length. “My fingers are no substitute for that.”

With an impatient growl, he grabbed her by the waist and pulled her off the desk. Then he spun her around and pressed in behind her, rutting against her bum. “This all right?”

“God, yes!” she sputtered, the ache of desire burgeoning inside her as he encouraged her to lean forward over the desk, applying a steady pressure to her back, until her breasts pressed against the surface, making the jewels of her outfit rasp over her taught nipples.

With a nudge from his foot, he prompted her to spread her legs, opening her to him. “Oh, yes,” he groaned, “the optimal distance, indeed!” Rose shuddered as his slender finger stroked over the sodden strip of fabric covering her sex and she arched into the contact with wanton abandon.

No further invitation required, he yanked the fabric aside and plunged into her welcoming depths.

She saw not only the stars he’d promised: entire constellations burst before her eyes.

[commentaryvorg]

Danganronpa V3 Commentary: Part 4.16

Be aware that this is not a blind playthrough! This will contain spoilers for the entire game, regardless of the part of the game I’m commenting on. A major focus of this commentary is to talk about all of the hints and foreshadowing of events that are going to happen and facts that are going to be revealed in the future of the story. It is emphatically not intended for someone experiencing the game for their first time.

Last time, we finally finished up the trial proper of trial 4 (trial 4!!!!!!), which took so many posts because I had about a million things to say about all the best parts. Kaito’s faith was truly blind for once, his desperation to deny the truth produced the best deduction he’d ever come up with (which was still completely wrong), Shuichi tried to reach out to him and help, which only made Kaito push him further away, and Kaito literally, provably still could not accept the truth in the end.

Now it’s the post-trial conclusion, in which Everyone Is Suffering.

Monokuma:  “Well, look at that! You voted correctly!”

Well, most of them did. It’d be kind of fun if Monokuma straight-up called Kaito out for voting wrong, but I do enjoy how Kaito refusing to accept the truth in the end is so relatively understated, like so much is with him.

Kaito:  “Dammit… why!?”

Kaito finally speaks again… and of course it’s to desperately wonder why.

Monokuma:  “Hey, Kokichi… You said this would liven things up. What gives, huh?”

I… don’t see what your problem is, Monokuma. Look at all this delicious despair you’re surrounded by right now, all thanks to Kokichi.

Kokichi:  “Ah-haha, that was juuust a lie.”

…It wasn’t, though? You did liven things up, a lot.

Shuichi:  “Are you satisfied, Kokichi? I want you to tell us. What is the outside world? Is it the motive you gave Gonta?”

So despite his justification of Gonta’s motive in the Closing Argument being the consciousness error, it seems like Shuichi’s also thinking of the possibility that there was an actual proper motive too. Kokichi never mentioned during the trial that the motive might have had anything to do with the outside world, but apparently Shuichi figured out that possibility anyway.

Here’s Alter Ego Gonta! Of all the deliberately gratuitous Danganronpa gen wun references in this game, this one is probably my favourite, because Alter Ego was a good.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Huh? What this? What happening?”

This must be so weird for him. The last thing he’d remember is trying to log out, and then this. How is he even experiencing this? Is he just, like, in some dark void where he can see a screen that’s showing him what the laptop’s camera sees? Probably something like that.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “G-Gonta not understand… Who this ‘Alter Ego’ person?”

Of course he’d be confused about all this talk of him being a computer simulation and not understand that he’s technically not the real thing. Gonta is Gonta, right? How can Gonta not be the real Gonta?

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Kill Miu…? Why does other Gonta know about—”

It’s actually kind of surprising that Alter Ego Gonta wasn’t expecting another version of himself to know about this. Wouldn’t he imagine the other Gonta would have the same memories as him? I guess he’s thinking of this as a Gonta from an entirely different world that didn’t have a reason to do any of this in the first place.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Then… Gonta no could save everyone?”

He just wanted to save everyone. Like every other selfless murderer in this game. I love all these selfless murderers.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Gonta think he gotta do it, cuz everyone else not want to. So… Gonta kill Miu.”

Kaito:  “What do you mean by that? I… I don’t get it at all!”

This is the first thing of substance Kaito has said in quite a while, and just like his brief line earlier, it’s about wanting to understand. Kaito has always made a point about wanting to understand the killer’s reasons after every single trial (even with Kiyo), and this time more than ever he needs to do so otherwise he’s never going to be able to deal with this. He must have been hoping that hearing from the Gonta who actually did this would help him understand and accept this, but right now this still doesn’t make any sense at all.

(Which is fair, because Alter Ego Gonta’s explanation is currently missing out the rather important detail of why he considered killing Miu to be a necessary evil that no-one else would have wanted to do.)

Maki:  “The secret of the outside world in the Virtual World was about the Flashback Light?”

Kokichi:  “And, if it was the Flashback Light… it would mean the secret of the outside world is part of our forgotten memories.”

So, in other words, if Kokichi hadn’t figured out when he first saw the outside world that Flashback Lights can contain fake memories, he definitely has now.  At this point, he remembers the world’s complete annihilation, yet he also knows it cannot possibly be the truth.

Kokichi:  “This might be a trap, y’know? Shouldn’t you check if I’m lying first? I mean… you wanna protect everyone, right? This is the perfect time to do it.”

Gonta:  “P-Protect everyone…?”

[Gonta rushes to use the Flashback Light]

Of course that would be how Kokichi made sure Gonta viewed the Flashback Light there while they were alone – by manipulating his desire to protect everyone yet again.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “But that… just confuse Gonta more about what to do… What can Gonta do to save everyone…? Gonta no could think of anything…”

Kokichi:  “So I told him. If he wants to save everyone, he should put everyone out of their misery. In other words… a mercy kill.”

Note how Gonta was not the one who came up with the mercy kill idea. That was suggested to him by Kokichi. So yes, okay, Gonta did choose of his own volition to commit murder given the situation he was in – but had he been on his own, the option of doing this would probably never have even occurred to him. He’s just too kind for something like that to cross his mind even when in that desperate state of mind.

A mercy kill is not the only way to deal with such a horrible truth, either. A more risky but less murdery way of trying to save everyone would have been to do essentially what Angie was trying to do: make everyone happy inside the academy and stop them from wanting to leave, in which case they’d never kill each other and never find out about the outside world. If Gonta had realised that was also an option, it’s entirely likely that he would have chosen to try and do that instead since it wouldn’t involve hurting anyone. But Gonta has always been confused as to what the right thing to do is such that neither of these options occurred to him, so when Kokichi presented the mercy kill like it was the only option, he felt like he had to do it.

Gonta:  “Was Gonta… tricked!?”

Alter Ego Gonta:  “No, you not tricked. Cuz, when Gonta remember secret of outside world, Gonta think… it would be easier… to die.”

I do like that the writing stresses this contrast between what Gonta assumes and what Alter Ego Gonta insists. Throughout the trial, first-time-me had been convinced that Gonta was genuinely just tricked and manipulated into this, so it’s nice that actually he had more of his own agency that one might expect and that he made the choice to do this awful thing knowing full well how awful it was.

That said, he still was tricked. Kokichi knew that the secret of the outside world was one big fat lie by the gamemakers, and yet he showed it to Gonta anyway while letting him think it was the truth. Then he acted like a mercy killing was the only possible option so that of course Gonta would choose to do that, given the kind of person he is.

Remember that one time Kokichi tried to insist that lies are what gives the world free will, and I argued that actually lies give people less free will if anything? Yeeeaaaahhh, that’s especially applicable here. Gonta believed he was choosing this of his own free will, when really he was manipulated into thinking it was his only reasonable option by the combination of something Kokichi knew was an outright lie (the outside world being in ruins) and a smaller white lie (acting like the mercy kill was the only reasonable way to deal with this).

It’s a lot like how Kirumi was manipulated into thinking she had to escape in order to save everyone outside by the Flashback-Light-induced lie in her motive video. Except this time, the gamemakers weren’t the only ones using the lie; Kokichi used it too.

Kokichi:  “Gonta took on the dirty work for us. If he had survived the class trial, he would’ve lived in this hell alone… Gonta took on that role for us! Shouldn’t we appreciate him more!?”

Literally everybody here already appreciated Gonta plenty, you dick. The only person who didn’t properly appreciate him is the person who took advantage of his self-sacrificial nature in order to push him to do this when they knew it wasn’t necessary, and got him killed for it. Someone’s deflecting, as usual.

Kaito:  “Wait a minute! I still don’t get what’s happening!”

I love how panicked Kaito is by the fact that he still doesn’t get it. He needs to understand this. He has to.

This should be enough to explain it by now, but I suppose with Kaito’s unshakeable optimism, he would find it hard to comprehend how anything could be so awful that it would make Gonta believe that killing everyone is the only way out. But Gonta is still the person you believe in, Kaito, and that’s the important part! He’s just… not quite as strong as you’d hoped he was. Just like Kaede.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Sorry! Gonta no can tell you!”

Shuichi:  “Can’t tell us!? Why!?”

Alter Ego Gonta:  “B-Because… if Gonta tell you, then… everyone will end up like Gonta… Everyone… despair.”

Of course Gonta can’t tell them. Of course he doesn’t want anyone else to suffer the way he’s suffering. He wanted to protect them from that so badly that he was willing to kill them all rather than let them find out. Anyone who genuinely cared so much that they were willing to go to such extremes for that outcome would never give up on it no matter what happened.

(They’d never turn around and stop fighting for the mercy kill halfway through the trial, and they certainly wouldn’t suddenly up and outright show everyone the outside world a couple of days later either, is my point. Have I mentioned that it is simply not possible that Kokichi could have ever wanted this.)

Keebo:  “Despair!?”

Whoops, that word set off all the mindless Danganronpa fans inside Keebo’s head. I’m pretty sure this is the first time we’ve heard that word all game! Which is definitely deliberate.

Kokichi:  “I… know it… A despair that makes you want to die… A despair that makes you want to put everyone out of their misery…”

No, you don’t, because you never believed that despair was the truth in the first place.

I’m not saying Kokichi doesn’t essentially know a kind of despair, namely the despair of being stuck in this awful killing game that he hates and sees no escape from, which he’s felt from the very beginning. But that’s not the despair he’s talking about here, and he certainly doesn’t give two fucks about how anybody else is being affected by the kind of despair he’s feeling either.

Miu:  “I-I’m sorry, but… you should just give up. This is… my only chance. I have no choice but to do this… My inventions will change the world… They’ll make the world a better place! It’s my duty as a genius inventor! S-So, I can’t afford to die here—”

I really enjoy this! Miu was trying to do this simply because she was terrified of being murdered and selfishly wanted to survive at everyone else’s expense. Yet she knew she was being selfish and doing an awful thing, so she couldn’t bring herself to do it without desperately trying to justify to herself that it’s not selfish and she needs to survive because she’s important and this is about the whole world. Her issues this entire time (which I’ve never been willing to talk about because they’ve been smothered in her awful unnecessary sexual references) have been about her feeling horribly inferior and covering it up with desperate, obnoxious, obviously-fake insistence that she’s the best and everyone should love her, so it’s great that that also ties in with her paranoia-driven decision to become a selfish murderer here. Miu really could have been an interesting character! She is, sometimes! I just absolutely despise what the writers did with her the other like 80% of the time and aaargh.

And if Miu hadn’t hesitated like this and taken so long psyching herself up for it with this big justifying speech, she might have been able to actually kill Kokichi – because Gonta didn’t jump to attack her the first opportunity he got, since he was almost certainly also desperately trying to psyche himself up for it during that time.

[Gonta begins strangling Miu]

Gonta:  “S-Sorry…! Gonta so sorry…!”

[Kokichi heads for the rooftop door and unlocks it]

Kokichi:  “Don’t be sorry, Gonta. She was trying to kill me too. She said it was for the world or whatever, but that was just a poor excuse. We’re doing this to stop the vicious cycle of misery! So you don’t need to apologize.”

[Miu’s avatar collapses, and Gonta falls to his knees]

Gonta:  “B-But… but…! Ergh… nrgh…! Gonta sorry! Gonta so sorry, Miu!”

Kokichi:  “I already said you don’t need to apologize. We had to do this for everyone’s sake.”

This is another of the bits which make me believe that a part of Kokichi does feel bad about this: the way he insistently tells Gonta not to apologise here.

Even using Kaito’s principles regarding apologies, Gonta probably still has every reason to be apologising for this. Yes, he believes it’s for an end goal that’s worth it, but he is still deliberately choosing to hurt someone in aid of that end goal. That hurt deserves to be apologised for, because, you know, taking responsibility for your actions and the pain you cause. Kokichi, on the other hand, has his own very different “principles” that go approximately “nothing I do is ever bad so I don’t need to apologise for anything, but if anyone else does anything that’s bad for me then how dare they”.

So the only reason he tells Gonta not to apologise is that Gonta being this emotionally tormented by what he’s done is… apparently actually getting to Kokichi somewhat. Gonta is making it so obvious that murder is bad and you should feel bad if you murder someone and that he in particular feels awful for it, and haha nope Kokichi’s not having any of that, not the fact that he also murdered Miu and should feel bad about it, nor the fact that he’s making Gonta suffer this much for no reason. Kokichi’s animations seem impatient and angry as he’s telling Gonta not to apologise, making it clear that he’s not doing it because he selflessly cares about how Gonta’s feeling and wants to limit his suffering, but because he’s annoyed that Gonta’s apologising is making him feel bad about all this, how dare he, stop making Kokichi regret this obviously terrible decision that he can’t take back any more.

He claims it’s for everyone’s sake, but it was never about that, because he knows that’s all a lie anyway. It’s ironically very similar to the way Miu was just insisting to herself that she needs to do this, using things she knew were only an excuse, to try and stop herself from feeling bad about becoming a murderer. Kokichi could tell that’s what Miu was doing, but of course he’s not doing exactly the same thing, right?

Also of note is Kokichi moving around to the door almost as soon as Gonta starts strangling Miu so that he can’t even see her face (or Gonta’s) as she dies. Shuichi pictured Kokichi continuing to stand in front of Miu, if still not facing her directly, but it turns out he was being even more avoidant about it than that.

Kokichi:  “You should know that it was Gonta’s idea to slide the body to the chapel wall.”

Gonta:  “What? Gonta’s idea?”

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Before Gonta went to the roof, he happened to see… Miu walk through the wall. Gonta tell Kokichi, and he think of everything else…”

So, not Gonta’s idea at all then. Gonta accidentally happened across information that allowed Kokichi to come up with that idea, that’s all.

Kokichi:  “I like to think… we make a pretty good team.”

Only if “one person comes up with literally the entire murder plan, and the other shoulders literally all the moral responsibility of killing someone” counts as being a “team”.

Kaito:  “Well, I mean, hearing that story, it sounds like you were tricked by Kokichi.”

Kaito’s right, but… definitely more by luck than judgement. Without knowing the “truth” of the outside world, he can’t comprehend how something could be so awful that it could push Gonta this far, so he’s assuming there was trickery involved, in order to make himself able to accept this. There was, but not in the way Kaito’s thinking.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Gonta not save anyone… Gonta just make everyone suffer more… Gonta… is stupid! So stupid! How can Gonta call himself gentleman!?”

Because you tried, Gonta! You tried as hard as you could to save everyone in the situation you were presented with, and it’s not for lack of you trying that it failed! (And it most certainly isn’t your fault that doing this actually wasn’t the appropriate way to save everyone because you couldn’t possibly have known that you’d been lied to.) A gentleman shouldn’t have to be someone who always succeeds at everything, just someone who always tries to!

(The same could be said about heroes, by the way.)

Kokichi:  “But… you reached for the truth. And Gonta’s plan failed. All of you could have been saved if you died without knowing anything…”

No, Kokichi. You told them the truth. All of them could have potentially been “saved” if you hadn’t said anything. He is conveniently forgetting to mention that right now.

Kokichi:  “Gonta even killed Miu for that sake, y’know?”

Kaito:  “Enough of your shit! You made him kill her!”

Kaito is still a little off in his assumptions about the kind of trickery involved, but even so, and even if you take this at the face value that’s being claimed, Kokichi is still partially responsible for Miu’s death. Kaito does not appreciate the way he’s refusing to acknowledge that and pushing all the responsibility onto Gonta.

Gonta:  “Sorry! Gonta is sorry he fail everyone… Gonta is sorry for being stupid! Gonta is sorry he make everyone suffer! Gonta is so sorry!”

Gonta’s whole arc throughout the entire game and especially this chapter has been focused on him desperately trying to help everyone in whatever way he can… but in the end he’s going to die feeling like he failed everyone in the worst possible way and it’s heartbreaking. Especially for this Gonta, who technically didn’t even do anything wrong if we go by the argument that memories make a person who they are, which is an argument we can’t not go with in this story.

(You might note that Kaito is not trying to tell Gonta not to apologise even though he’s just making himself feel even worse without deserving it.)

Kokichi:  “You’re probably all thinking that I should’ve taken on the dirty work and not Gonta, right? Everyone… hates me… so the role of villain is perfect for me…”

Everyone hates you because you’re constantly being a villain. It’s not the other way around.

Like, okay, granted, maybe in his past he was persecuted and hated without having done anything to deserve it and that’s why he started acting like a villain the whole time to protect himself from that. (Though it sure would be easier to sympathise with that if we knew literally anything about it!) But even if that’s true, at this point it’s just become a self-perpetuating cycle and now he’s bringing it upon himself. Nobody here has treated Kokichi in a way that he didn’t already thoroughly deserve based on how he’d been acting.

Kokichi:  “Yeah, I know already! It should have been my responsibility!”

If you really were willing to accept responsibility for killing Miu, then why don’t you do so right now, Kokichi? After all, you still did kill Miu, just not directly.

Kokichi:  “That’s why I had to ask Gonta! I would have done it myself if I could!”

Yeah, no. Hypothetically, if this was about the mercy kill, and if Miu hadn’t had some failsafe to protect herself from Kokichi, I’m still not remotely convinced Kokichi would have done it himself, based on the fact that he’s not even capable of accepting his actual responsibility in Miu’s death here. If ever any of his plans gave him the choice between murdering someone directly or indirectly, he would always choose the indirect option, to allow him to tell himself he’s not really killing anyone. This here is just another excuse, deflecting the deflection, so that he can insist he’s not wilfully running away from any responsibility at all.

Kaito:  “Okay, but… You didn’t need to push everything onto Gonta to—”

Kaito is so good. He seems to be willing to buy Kokichi’s story that he genuinely cared about this! (Which is fair, since the story is plausible as long as you’ve forgotten that Kokichi threw Gonta under the bus in the trial, something he’s conveniently not reminding them of, and he does sound reasonably genuinely emotional about it, because it’s rooted in part in genuine emotion that he’s telling himself is all a lie like a lot of Kokichi’s displays are.) Despite everything Kokichi’s putting them though, Kaito would still rather take the interpretation that Kokichi is a vaguely decent person if that interpretation can be made to make sense, because Kaito wants to believe the best in everyone if he can!

But, even accepting that story, Kaito still can’t stand the way that Kokichi is pushing literally all the responsibility onto Gonta for Miu’s death. What Kaito’s trying to tell Kokichi here is exactly what I was just saying – to take some of the responsibility for Miu’s death himself, because some of it is rightfully his, whether he killed her directly or not.

Gonta:  “Stop! It’s okay! Everyone, please… Don’t… blame Kokichi anymore…”

Of course Gonta would say this, though. He doesn’t understand the situation well enough to appreciate that it’s partly Kokichi’s fault – all he knows is that he did an awful thing, and he’s hating himself for it so much that he feels that he’s the only one who deserves to suffer for it no matter what the rest of the situation is.

Kokichi:  “Gonta… you…!”

Don’t act so surprised, Kokichi, you knew full well Gonta is the kind of person who would take the responsibility all upon himself, and that’s probably part of the reason you chose him to be your pawn here.

See, despite how genuine Kokichi’s expression looks here, he’s still mostly acting. If he truly wanted to take some of the responsibility for himself and was moved by Gonta saying he didn’t have to, then the correct response would be to insist that no, he should take some of the blame, Gonta shouldn’t be heaping absolutely all of it onto himself.

Gonta:  “Someone as stupid as Gonta could never be a gentleman—”

Being a gentleman was never about being smart, Gonta! You are the best gentleman.

Kokichi:  “Wait! If you’re gonna punish him, then please… punish me too.”

Shuichi:  “Kokichi…?”

Kokichi:  “I’m prepared for it! If you’re gonna execute Gonta, then I—”

Nope. Kokichi knows perfectly well that Gonta is the kind of person who wouldn’t let him do this – he literally just took all of the moral responsibility upon himself, so of course he would also take all of the physical punishment upon himself too. Kokichi would know that making this move is completely safe and won’t get him killed.

And okay, maybe that tiny part of him that actually does hate what he did to Gonta is having a bit more of a say than normal and kind of does hate himself enough to want to die for it. But the rest of Kokichi that stubbornly wants to “win” the killing game no matter what and refuses to acknowledge any kind of responsibility for anything ever is still mostly in the driving seat right now and isn’t going to let himself die just yet. He’s able to let that suppressed part of him seem like it’s in control while having no conscious intent to get himself killed. This is just a very elaborate, for-once-not-overexaggerated example of all those times he displayed something based in his genuine emotions while telling himself it was totally all a lie.

Gonta:  “Just promise Gonta… that everyone forgive each other and be friends. Okay?”

It’s going to be very hard to forgive Kokichi for killing you, Gonta! Especially considering that he is never going to show the slightest shred of remorse for it. I know that Gonta just wants to be reassured that everyone is going to be okay once he’s gone, but it’s hard to be able to promise that when someone who would throw two people’s lives away as pawns in his own selfish plan is still among us.

Kokichi:  “…Alright, I promise.”

No, you don’t. Since Kokichi’s the one who did something wrong, his part in this promise would be to become someone who deserves to be forgiven, meaning he’d need to acknowledge that he did an awful thing and start trying to make amends for it. Fat chance of that.

Kokichi:  “W-Wait, please! I don’t want this! Don’t go, Gonta!”

Oh, now you don’t want this? Well, maybe you should have realised that before you made it happen. It is way too fucking late to be saying this now. You did this, very consciously and deliberately. Now deal with it.

For once, I’m putting the part of Kokichi that actually does care about this down to a little bit more than just basic human decency. While he’s never shown any indication of caring about anyone else’s pain, the signs I’ve pointed out indicate that Kokichi was at least somewhat affected by Gonta’s emotional suffering and not just the fact that he’s about to die now. Which means that on some level Kokichi did care about Gonta as a person, at least a little bit. It makes sense that Gonta would be the one person Kokichi might feel some level of attachment to, since Gonta never stopped thinking of Kokichi as a friend and a decent person and openly cared about him despite how little he’d done to deserve it. Kokichi is always terrified that people will betray him, but if anyone is going to be so obviously genuine and trustworthy that even Kokichi might realise they really wouldn’t stab him in the back, it’d be Gonta… so maybe Kokichi did start to believe that just a little bit. (That might be why it seemed to get to him so much in the trial when he thought Gonta was still lying about not knowing anything: because with Gonta being apparently more of a liar than Kokichi expected, it felt like he was being betrayed?)

Kokichi makes such a big deal about being a liar partly so that nobody will ever want to trust him, which gives him an excuse not to trust or get attached to anybody else in turn, so that he doesn’t have to worry about being betrayed. But that protective shell of his was never going to work on Gonta, simply because it’s Gonta. It’s ironic that the exact blind faith Kokichi kept insisting was clearly the idiotic way to see things, the kind of naïve belief that everyone is always good rather than Kokichi’s naïve belief that everyone is always bad, was exactly what it took from Gonta to make Kokichi start to somewhat care about and maybe even ever-so-slightly trust someone. Gonta got through to that vague semblance of a decent person inside Kokichi more than anyone else ever did, even Kaito.

…But it still clearly wasn’t enough, since Kokichi repaid Gonta’s kindness and trust by taking advantage of it and getting him killed. Every single bit of the pain he’s feeling at what happens to Gonta here is entirely his fault and entirely deserved. Ideally he should learn from this and try to become a better person. He’s not going to.

Gonta:  “Gonta’s… really not scared… B-But… Gonta upset! Gonta upset… he no could protect everyone!”

Oh, Gonta. Of course he wouldn’t be scared to sacrifice himself for everyone’s sake when protecting everyone is what he’s desperately wanted to do this whole time. He’s just sad that he couldn’t have done it in a better way that isn’t this much of a tragic failure.

Gonta:  “Gonta love you all!”

These are real-Gonta’s final words, and god, platonic “I love you”s melt my heart every time. Gonta is so pure and precious and of course he loves everyone here. They love you too, Gonta. (Even Kokichi kind of somewhat did, and that’s saying a hell of a lot coming from him.) You were the best and truest gentleman.

Alter Ego Gonta:  “Gonta is so sorry… for being stupid!”

You’re not stupid! You’re the Gonta who remembers what Kaito said to you about how people who are stupid aren’t constantly thinking of how to save everyone else! That makes you one of the smartest people here!

So… I am extremely Not Okay with Gonta’s execution. I can still watch the thing, because I’ve become desensitised enough to these executions by now, but that doesn’t mean I remotely approve. Remember what I said back in chapter 1 about how some executions bother me because the character stops being a character and just becomes an object for this horrifying deathtrap? Yeah, exactly this. There’s no sense that the Gonta in the execution is still Gonta, our precious friend and gentleman who tried so hard, and not just a Gonta-shaped object. He said just moments ago how upset he felt that he’d failed everyone, but there’s no indication of that in this scene.

I do get that the writers made it so brutal because they wanted to emphasise how much this is making everybody else suffer to have to watch it, but they could still have done that while having Gonta still be a character, and honestly that’d probably have had more impact.

(Narrative purpose of the brutality aside, Gonta deserved to go to fluffy bug heaven, much like another DR character who was executed in a chapter 4. You know he did.)

Also, the execution music has lyrics? Which means that apparently the composer hasn’t forgotten about execution music lyrics and isn’t averse to putting them in the execution tracks in this game. These lyrics are something about the bottom of the ocean, which sure has literally nothing to do with anything that’s happening. Maybe there’s some secret law that states execution lyrics are only allowed when they’re completely irrelevant to the execution itself or something.

(I’m totally not mentioning this for a specific reason, of course.)

---

[Next post]

[shadows-echoes]

You Haven’t Done This Tag Before, I Promise

I was tagged by @negotiator-on-site ages and ages ago to do the 11 Questions Tag (thank you <3)

Rules: Answer 11 questions, make up your own 11 questions, and then tag 11 people to answer those.

1. What is one of your favorite memories?

Waking up one day in the fall of last year and opening my curtains to a yard full of freshly fallen snow. The world was asleep, the snow pristine and undisturbed, and everything looked completely magical. It didn't matter that a giant apartment building lay on the other side of the lawn, acting as a mundane, grey background. Frost clung to the branches of the trees directly outside my window. The odd snowflake fell from the bright pink and pale blue morning sky. For a few moments there was nothing but wholehearted glee, a complete rapture in focus... It was nice. A wonderful reminder.

2. What is the dumbest thing you have ever heard someone say?

I’ve heard a lot of dumb things in my time, and have said a number of dumb things myself, but most of it was all harmless, ‘my last brain cell has deserted me’ kind of stuff. With that being said, one actually dumb thing I heard was when this DudeBro was trying to prove to me that feminism was fundamentally sexist and unnecessary by *asking* me, “if feminism is for everyone,” I.e. for the benefit of all genders, “then why is it called “feminism”? Why isn’t it called “humanism”?” 

Like? Because humanism already exists and is about something completely different? Also, the term “feminism” itself was coined by a 19th-century DudeBro so you only have yourselves to blame???

3. What was the first movie you ever saw in theaters?

I uh... I don't remember the last movie I saw in theaters so the first one I saw is entirely lost to me. I got that goldfish memory, babes 👉👉

4. Tell a story about the biggest spider you have ever encountered.

Aight, fam, buckle up. It's story time.

Picture this: it's the middle of summer break, I'm 16, and have the entire house to myself for the weekend. I was convinced by a friend the night before to see how long I could go without sleeping (I think we made a bet about it too) and it's around 10am at this point. I've been awake for around 30 hours straight, experiencing a degree of exhaustion I had never felt before, one where I didn't feel tired anymore. I was just... there. Existing. Feeling time move through me.

Now, I was in my room and the thing about my room was that there were exposed water pipes running along the ground to the corner of my room, up the wall, and through a hole in the ceiling to get to the second floor (the house was kind of under construction at the time). So there I am, bbq sauce on my titties half delirious due to a lack of sleep and, though I'm watching tv on my laptop at my desk, from the corner of my eye I see... something fall. Fall from the hole in my ceiling down into my room.

Despite the headphones I was wearing, I also heard it. As in, I heard it, whatever it was, hit the ground. As in, it was heavy enough to make an audible sound.

Curious, I got up and investigated. I found a spider. A giant-ass, hairy black/dark brown tarantula that was bigger than the size of my palm.

It was in the corner of my room, the farthest it could get from the only exit, and it had just fallen multiple meters onto a hard concrete floor so it wasn't exactly having the best day. Neither was I. I freaked TF out. I was looking at the biggest arachnid I had ever seen, before or since, and I had no idea how to proceed. Because I was so sleep-deprived I was also panicking like a madwoman, completely balling my eyes out while I tried to figure out if I could even kill this thing with a broom or if it would kill me before I got the chance. It was about survival at this point, not its possible relocation. It was about getting it out of my bedroom without setting my bedroom aflame (which I did, briefly though seriously, consider). It was... an eventful morning to say the least.

5. What color is your bedspread?

Dark grey and I love it, it's so soft.

6. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I had no idea. Like every other kid, at one point or another, I wanted to be a singer or an actor. Fast forward a few years and I wanted to be a psychologist, which was probably the first job I actually, seriously, considered.

7. Would you rather go to an art, history, or science museum?

Uhhhh... why not all three?? Please?? All three would be great, it would make a wonderful afternoon! (Probably history if I really had to choose though. I love a good history museum).

8. What’s one thing on your bucket list?

My bucket list is rather short because I'm constantly surprised I've made it this far and thus haven't planned exceedingly far ahead (because a long life? In this economy????). Nevertheless, one thing that’s been on my bucket list for the last few years is to travel to Ireland and/or New Zealand.

9. What is on your bedside table? 

A blue lamp, a scented candle, an empty coffee cup, and a second coffee cup jam-packed with a variety of writing utensils and a few paintbrushes.

10. What is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

Greece. Without a doubt. It was disgustingly beautiful. Every time I opened my eyes, I was confronted with: 1) something ancient, 2) gorgeous flora and fauna and landscapes, or 3) grunge scenery. All three options were rather lovely.

Like??? Just absolutely gorgeous???? No wonder why they believed in deities.

11. Have you ever broken a bone?

If this refers to my own bones then no, oddly enough. I’m quite surprised about that, too, because I tend to be rather clumsy.

Questions to answer:

What is the strangest dream you have ever had?

What is something that's been said to you which you remember verbatim? (Feel free to answer profoundly or about that weird conversation you overheard in Starbucks that one time.)

What is one superpower you would not want to have?

Did you have a favorite teacher when in school and, if so, why were they so favored?

We've all fantasized about making a dramatic exit after someone snapped our last, lingering nerve at school/work/home. What's your daydream exit-plan?

Optimism, realism, nihilism, or any of their variants (e.g. optimistic nihilism)?

Favorite smell?

If you could rewrite a character's final ending and have it be canon, who's ending would you rewrite and what would you have their ending be?

If you could change one thing about the world instantaneously with no questions asked, what would you change?

Which do you prefer, gothic architecture with spiraling towers or old, worn wood in the shape of a homey cabin somewhere?

If you could dust anyone in the world with a snap of your fingers Thanos style, would you do it? If yes, who would you dust?

Tagging: @pandemoniumambassador @deviantramblings @obsiidio @deviancy-wasteland @self-indulgent-authorship @negative-blackbird @aerynwrites @ironicallyinspired (I’m sure some of you have probably done this tag already so I apologize if that’s the case, but feel free not to do it in either case :) ).

[bluecastleinthesky]

prucan week day 1

Matthew knew he should have stayed in bed that day. One missed bus and a step into green ooze and then having his coffee fucked up beyond all fixing later he was ready for the day to be over. It was only 9am. Dropping into his seat with a huff he began looking through his to do list, late bus aside he was still early enough to have moment to breath before having to teach class. Poking his head over the cubical that divided his half of the office from Felix’s he noted his coworker looked to be having an even worse day than his.

“Hey Fe” he said getting his things together slightly registering the groan of misery from next-door “You and Toris must be on the outs again?” he asked heading for the door.

“We were never even on this time” came the grumbled response from the other man as he set up his laptop.

“Ah” Matthew said awkwardly wondering if he should offer condolences or the honest truth that they were both crazy. Deciding that was a discussion to have when he was more awake he headed to class. It was halfway through the semester and he already had two different students he was positive were going to fail the class. Delightful.

An hour and forty five unproductive minutes later he found himself wanting to beat the classroom computer into a fiery pulp. They had upgraded the computer systems over midterm break and after both the projector and the computer had refused to connect to the internet and each other Matthew had been forced to simply talk to a sea of uninterested freshman faces about how why they should care that Walt Whitman liked trees.

With a sigh he tried turning the computer back on once more praying that this time it would work. Instead a bright blue screen started running number.

“Oh noooooooooo” he groaned “fine I give up” he said beginning to search through his messenger bag propped behind the lectern. Finding his phone he pulled up the IT departments number and hit call.

“University IT department how can I help you?” someone said somehow sounding even more harried than he felt.

“Um hi I’m trying to teach in room 215 and the projector and computer won’t connect and now it’s at the blue screen of death” Matthew could have sworn he heard something shatter on the other end of the phone. “Hello?” he asked when no response came.

“Hi” The other person said “So you probably want to switch rooms because it’s a system issue and we have multiple issues of that sort today”

“Switch rooms?! But didn’t they all get upgraded?” Matthew asked waving Eliza the professor for Gender Literature into the room “Let me check I’m putting you on hold” and with that he was stuck with elevator music

“Eliza are any of the classrooms open?” he asked putting the phone on speaker as he picked up his things.

“If this is about the computers the entire floor was upgraded and none of them are working” She said wryly looking at the computer which was now making a worrying hum. “can’t you just adjust the schedule and have the students do an interpretive reading or something today instead of lecturing?”

 “Do you really think anyone wants to do a read aloud of Faust?” Matthew retorted looking at what he had planned for the next class. Her response was cut off by the elevator music abruptly switching to swearing.

“Um hello?” he said picking the phone back up again and tucking his bag into the little closet in the corner, so he could go grab coffee from the faculty office before his next class.

The swearing stopped having switched he was pretty sure into German part way through “Hi” said what was very clearly a different person from the first IT man he had dealt with. “Carlos said you were having computer issues with 215 in College Hall?”

“That’s right I tried to reboot the computer after it wouldn’t connect and now its on the blue screen”

“Sounds about right” the other man sighed. Matthew could hear what sounded like a pen clicking in and out. “we are trying to get this resolved but with so many computers down it’s probably going to take all day”

“Sorry” Matthew said automatically as he wove his way around students and teachers to get to the upstairs of the building. Waving at the department secretary he poured the coffee hoping it wasn’t yesterdays reheated (it had happened once, and his life literally flashed before his eyes).

“Not your fault” came the response “Look my name’s Gilbert I’ll try and be there to fix your classroom by 3pm”.

“Well at least my night class will work out then” Matthew said dumping sugar into his coffee bleakly.

“Yeah sure” came the response “See you then”

And with that Matthew had an hour to re-plan his day delightful just what he wanted to do today. Back in his office he slumped into his chair rubbing his eyes and wishing the day was over or that he had stayed on vacation like his father had tried to convince him to do. “I could be in France right now” he muttered starting to re-plan his lessons.

  Gilbert was having the day from hell. "It'll be fine they said, go take a vacation they said..."  he muttered scrolling through the seemingly unending list of IT issues he was going to have to deal with. "Eduard!" he yelled over the cubical wall. "I only have the issues as being in College Hall who did that set of installations?"

"That would have been Al" came a yell from their common area and the sound of the fridge closing.

"You better not be taking a lunch break" Gilbert said swinging out of the chair "We have 35 classrooms to fix before we can go home" he added looking into the informal breakroom at the only other IT person on the job that morning "When Alfred gets in I'm going to kill him" he added.

"Relax Gil" Eduard said stirring milk into his coffee "I think we just need to reinstall and sync"

"Whatever that bozo did sent 215 into blue screen mode" Gilbert said shortly pulling a monster out of the fridge.

"Yeah the professor from that room was the only one that had that issue though so maybe we'll luck out" Eduard said with what Gilbert thought was unnecessary optimism.

"I can take floor 2 if you take 3 and then we can make Alfred redo floors 3 and 4?" Gilbert said resigning himself to handling whatever the dumbass from 215 had done to the computer.

"Sounds good to me" the other man said and with that they got to work.

  It was 3:05 and no one had come to fix his computer. His class on 19th century literature had gone relatively well. At least the students had humored him in his request that they do a read through in class of the play.  Matthew had taken a nap halfway through the afternoon dozing on his shared office couch only to be woken up by Felix having a shouting match with his not boyfriend via skype. "Dude" he grumbled rolling over burrowing into his coat "Argue when you go home".

"It's 3pm why are you even here? Don’t you have class to prep for?" came the response before they launched back into their argument.

Grumbling Matthew rolled off the couch and finger combed his hair back into place as best he could before heading back to the classroom. He had left a note on the computer and hopefully no one else had messed it up. Ivan taught at 2 and didn’t usually use the computer from what he gathered from the Whiteboard filled with scribbles after every class. Poking the computer mouse the machine refused to even turn on screen solidly black even after hitting the on button. With a wince Matthew pulled his bag out of the cupboard and started setting up his laptop on the window sill . If the weather stayed nice and the technology remained broken maybe he would have them sit outside.

“Hey!” A man came into the room white blond hair messy and what looked to be a duffle bag of wires.

“Hey” Matthew you said standing up “I’m Dr. Williams you must be the IT person?”

“Yep I’m Gilbert head of IT” the other man said shortly poking around the back of the computer.

“I’m not sure what’s wrong with it” Matthew said looking over his shoulder “Usually it hooks right up to the projector but today it just made a weird beep and then wouldn’t start and then went to the blue screen and now it won’t start at all” he finished in a rush. He got the impression that the other man had heard a similar story multiple times.

“Sounds about right” Gilbert said turning to yell at the man loitering by the door “Alfred get the ladder”

“I could just stand on the chairs”

“You could also fall off and sue us for the whole 2 cents the university has to its name. Go get the ladder”. Rolling his eyes he turned to Matthew who was trying to stifle a smile. “Look it’s going to be awhile go get dinner or lunch or something we should have it done before your night class”.

“I was going to do work over here actually” Matthew said waving a hand at his laptop and books in the corner. “Just to see what you guys do in case it happens again”.

“Whatever floats your boat” Gilbert replied with a shrug “Also just so you know your hair is…” he waved his hands trying to convey the strange wave on top of the other mans head.

“Of course it is” Matthew said trying to flatten it . For some reason it was always the same section of hair. No matter what Eliza said curly hair was more effort than it was worth.

An hour and five essays graded later he admitted to himself he was hungry. Standing up he looked over at the IT people who were currently bickering over wire placement and what sounded like witchcraft. “Um I’m getting food you guys want anything?”

“Nah” Gilbert said waving distractedly as he and Alfred pieced the computer back together.

Shrugging Matthew went to go get food coming back to find a note on his laptop “Fixed it call me if you have problems Gil”

Tentatively poking the computer mouse the screen came up with a log in screen and a few minutes later the projector was working too. Smiling Matthew went to the IT website and sent an email thanking them. In the back of his mind he wondered if he would see Gilbert again. He seemed competent. That was always a nice thing in a man. An IT man he corrected himself.

He still had class outside. The cool fall air felt nice and after struggling with the computer earlier it was nice to get back to the basics. He had the sneaking suspicion though that he had unintentionally offended Gilbert by the way the other man looked at him as he passed by his class still carrying the bag of wires with Alfred complaining about something technical. 

The email he had in his inbox later reaffirmed it. 

"Dear Professor Williams

Hope you had no further issues with the computer or projector this evening please let me know if it needs any further maintance

Gilbert Beilschmit"

With a sigh Matthew quickly responded as he headed home

"Dear Gilbert, Thank you, the projector and computer work fine I simply chose an alternative place to hold class tonight.

Sorry for the concern

Matt"

And with that he was done for the day

[anyway-heres-enderal]

i couldnt shut up about enderal right now if i wanted to so here’s that prophet ask meme with my prophetess fleur

blank

1. The basics – name, age, etc…

her name is fleur! i don’t know her last name but that’s okay because she’s kind of abandoned it. both of my vyn protags have line-of-sight, musically-inspired names so after that fuckin nightmare intro scene i had to name her as an homage to the song that was playing in my head the entire time it was happening (warning: disturbing imagery, abuse of some sort that is not shown but is strongly implied)

she’s 26 years old, half-kilean and bisexual.

2. Describe their appearance.

there’s a picture up there but a few other specifics: her hair is actually white, not just very light blonde, and she has blue eyes

3. How do they like to dress?

she jumps at the chance to wear nice clothes. she never got to back in ostian.

4. Do they have any markings (scars, tattoos, birthmarks)?

she has a few scars from a couple scuffles she got into back in nehrim. one of then is pretty gnarly-looking but it’s a diagonal from her lower chest to her left hip so once the events of enderal started rolling nobody who had seen it was still alive. word to the wise: don’t try to 1v1 a thunder lizard when you’re 14.

5. What are they like? Describe their personality (use whatever tools you like- MBTI, D&D alignment, astrological signs, Hogwarts house, words/phrases):

first of all, the only one of those tools that i have even a remotely decent grasp on is d&d alignment. she’s neutral-bordering-on-chaotic good. i don’t make characters with messages behind them (esp if they’re not for anyone’s consumption but mine) but hers would be “optimism with a dose of realism is probably the healthiest way to see the world”--she has the good sense to know when a situation or a person is beyond help but until that point she will try everything to help them. she desperately wanted to be wrong about adila and even as he was preparing his kamikaze attack she tried so hard to talk yuslan down.

to temper this, though, she takes things too seriously and she’s a bit of a crybaby (ok, not just a bit. alessia, my shadowgod, cried three times over the course of the entire main quest. fleur cried three times over the course of the very first quest that didn’t take place inside a trauma nightmare), although you could argue that she just has like. a normal human reaction to trauma, and everything that happens to her in enderal is EXTREMELY FUCKING TRAUMATIC.

since i have an easier time using tools like the ones described in the question to describe personalities, if she was a disney character she’d be rapunzel from tangled but less naive and with meaningful agency and if she was a social link/confidant in a persona game her card would be the star.

6. How would they describe themselves?

she has really low self-esteem but she doesn’t like. outright hate herself so she’s dismissive of any notion that she’s special or pretty. this probably sounds extremely sue-ish but a) i don’t give a fuck and b) every diy protagonist is at least kind of a mary sue simply because they’re the big special chosen one who all the romanceable companions have feelings for.

7. Education level?

uh. Not Any, Formally Speaking. School Of Hard Knocks. Worked For A Historian In Her Late Teens-Early Twenties And Learned Most Of What She Knows That Isn’t On The School Of Hard Knocks Curriculum That Way.

8. What are they proud of in themselves? What are they embarrassed about?

like the one notable talent that she’ll accept having is that she’s really smart and even before the Everything That Happened On The Ship Headed To Enderal she was a really quick learner.

she has ZERO prior experience with romance (she’s not in any way aromantic, she’s just never been in a romantic relationship) and she doesn’t like to tell people that, especially people she likes. she feels like they’ll think there’s something seriously wrong with her and that’s why she’s never been in a romantic relationship at age 26. 9. Do they know any languages other than Inal?

she knows like. kindergarten-level kilean.

10. What, if any, aspects of their mother’s culture influenced them growing up?

she didn’t really “grow up” with her parents, they died when she was six, but she has a strong belief in the importance of diplomacy and that’s pure Mom right there.

11. Name a song (or a few) that remind you of them.

i hope you like obscure musicals and vocaloid because that’s what you’re getting

In All My Dreams I Drown - The Devil’s Carnival Cast

Starchild - Ghost Quartet

Tears To Shed - Corpse Bride

Ever Lasting Night - Hitoshizuku-P (specifically the Miku character)

Lemonade - Sophie (sorry 4 mood whiplash)

12. Speaking of songs, can they sing? What is their voice like? How about instruments?

she’s hopeless with instruments but she’s not a bad singer by any means. sorry 4 relentless youtube links but she kind of sounds like Gelsey Bell

13. What was their life like before coming to Enderal?

it wasn’t good, i’m not going to lie. she and sirius spent a pretty decent amount of time roughing it because towns and cities kind of got progressively more dangerous as time went on, and Because Of Reasons I Won’t Go Into Here they both had pretty good reasons to avoid anyone affiliated with the temple of the creator

14. How did they decide to leave Nehrim?

it was too fuckin dangerous to try to make a life there anymore

15. Describe their relationship with Sirius.

they were siblings in all senses but blood. he got her out of a pretty bad situation when they were kids and she just stuck with him until they had been through so much together there was no other way for them to describe their relationship than “family”

16. Who do they blame for what happened to their family?

herself. survivor’s guilt is a hell of a drug and it doesn’t help that things only got worse afterward. she like. knows the temple did it, but since she doesn’t know why she’ll always wonder if there was something she could have done to stop it.

17. Apart from stowing away, have they ever broken the law?

she would be considered an accomplice to murder because she helped hide a body once (don’t worry, the victim without question deserved it)

18. How honest are they? Under what circumstances would they lie?

basically the only person she directly lies to is herself; if she’s dishonest, it’s usually by omission. the rare occasions she does outright lie it’s usually to protect someone or because there’s no way anyone would believe the truth.

19. Worst memory(s)? Best memory(s)?

Too Heavy For This Post and uhhhh. getting to spend time with her two BFFs/crushes on the Gertrude before everything started really going to shit was an extremely good memory for her.

20. Fight, or flight?

fight unless they’re like. demonstrably stronger. running away from an enemy she had a chance of defeating has always just come back to bite her. she wanted to fight the steel bird in the star city.

21. Describe their combat style.

Best Defense Is A Good Offense, Also Axes = Good. (original playthrough was greataxes and heavy armor but i’ll probably switch to war axes and light armor [or unarmored if i can swing it] when the steam release drops because apparently half-kileans are equivalent to bretons in normal skyrim terms and i can’t abide having played a heavy armor + two-handed breton twice)

22. Have they ever killed before? What is their reaction to combat?

she’s hunted animals but she’d never done more to a human than injure them enough to scare them off prior to enderal. she tries to only harm people in self-defense and may have cried a little bit (ok, quite a bit) after she had to kill firespark.

23. How do they react to having magical abilities? Do they use them?

magic makes her head feel “gross” somehow (read: she’s uniquely sensitive to arcane fever) so she doesn’t use it

24. What do they think of Enderal?

the scenery’s beautiful but the fact that it’s a theocracy and the notion of being stuck on a certain “path” depending on the circumstances of your birth freaks her out for reasons of “hey remember the oppressive religious regime that was responsible for all of your childhood trauma and continued to make your life hell before a mysterious trans power couple plus their direct superior group of outsiders instigated a rebellion that brought the whole thing down? now it controls the whole continent and everyone thinks it’s Good, Actually”

25. Did they do the Biggest Egg Hunt Ever quest?

she would have if my dumb ass hadn’t completely fuckin spaced it out and forgotten about it until it was too late. next playthrough, i swear.

26. How do they feel about joining the Order? What do they think of Arantheal?

she was not in favor of it (see: opinion of theocracies) and basically clung to the green shirts until she was inducted as a keeper. arantheal makes her uneasy but the threat of looming armageddon does a lot to help her shove that uneasiness to the side.

27. What is their opinion of the gods (or lack thereof)?

she’s not inherently against the gods but she doesn’t like organized religion

28. Wine, or pipe?

wine!

29. Do they spare or arrest Hallys, the farmer-turned-bandit in the quest, Deus Ex Machina? Why?

she arrested him after she found out where the money really came from. if it hadn’t been Stolen From A Fucking Food Bank she probably would have let him go.

30. What are their feelings and opinions about the Undercity?

uh...she hates that ark has a “slum district out of sight of the Good And Honorable Rich People” because having been poor and homeless basically until she came to enderal she can’t help but empathize with the residents of the undercity.

31. How do they react to the beggars of Ark?

if tumblr doesn’t stop refreshing the page and deleting my answers every time i switch tabs to look at the wiki or change the song i’m listening to i’m going to throw my laptop off the porch.

she usually reacts by sparing some change because she can relate

32. Where and how do they spend their time when in Ark?

she really likes the museum in the south quarter. she likes learning stuff and looking at relics of the past.

33. What would they do with three wishes?

just...stop the fuckin cycle

make the black stones inert so nobody else gets hurt because of them

this is basically deliberate repression so it’s 100% unhealthy but she would gladly wish to forget everything that happened before she was seven if it would put an end to the nightmares

34. How do they feel about death? Do they fear it?

uh. yes. she very bigly fears death. she kind of had a complete breakdown after the keeper exam until calia reassured her that just because she heard something during her harrowing doesn’t mean it’s true.

35. What (else) do they fear?

deep water (predates game events). also i dont know if it’s necessarily a fear but she hates being surprised.

36. Do they have any secrets?

uh. Yeah. her dad really was as bad as the dreams show. a few other things.

37. How is their behavior around people they like? People they dislike?

she’s about as friendly and affectionate as her shyness will allow with people she likes. it takes a LOT for her to be actively hostile but she’ll only attempt like. the barest superficial politeness to people she dislikes. 38. What is their relationship with the companions? Who, if anyone, did your prophet romance?

they’re her very good friends who she is also crushing on hard. yeah, both of em. she ended up with jespar kind of by default because i wasn’t making an effort to specifically target either of them but i kind of like the contrast between them so i’m gonna leave that in the Canon Playthrough Bin.

39. Was there any non-companion character that they were close to? That they particularly disliked?

does ryneus count? she would have taken him back to the sun temple and had the few green shirts left alive help her build some method of locomotion for him if she could have. also she had a crush on lishari. she didn’t have anyone she strongly disliked other than obvious shitbirds like taranor.

40. How do they feel about myrads?

she thinks they’re Big Cute Dog Monster Boys

41. What dreams or ambitions did they have before coming to Enderal? What about afterwards?

she wanted to be an archaeologist! she kind of got to do archaeologist stuff during her time in enderal but she wishes that she’d been able to do it without an apocalyptic sword of damocles hanging over her

42. Do they like cities? Or do they prefer the country? Is there a region of Enderal that they like or dislike more than the others?

she doesn’t necessarily dislike city life because she often gets lonely so living somewhere with a big population is always a tempting thought, but if she could take everyone she loves and go live somewhere peaceful where there’s no oppressive government or looming apocalypse she would.

her ideal Cottage Away From All The Bad Things would be in the goldenforst but she loves the crystal forest even though if she gets too close to the crystals it makes her feel like her brain is trying to vibrate out of her skull.

43. What do they do to lower their considerable stress?

go on walks in one of the numerous beautiful locations in enderal. take apart inactive mechanical constructs and try to understand their inner workings from their guts. press flowers.

44. Describe their perfect day off.

wake up from a nightmare-free sleep (you said “perfect”), go on a nice walk around the city (paying a visit to the museum of course!), meet up with her friends and find something fun to do that won’t put them in mortal danger, get drunk at the dancing nomad when it gets too dark for wandering around outside the city to be a good idea, and then watch the stars.

45. List three of their favorite things. Three things they hate?

likes:

sugar bread

the color gold

nice scenery

dislikes:

cooked cabbage

mead

bugs

46. What’s in their pockets?

emergency healing potion

herbs for making another emergency healing potion

at least one apple

random flowers that look cool

a ton of those vendor trash crystal coins you find in pyrean ruins. she just thinks they’re neat!

47. Pets? Mounts? Treasured possessions?

she’s never really had a lot she could hold on to and the thought of prizing a short-lived animal or an item that’s easy to lose is frightening.

48. How are their cooking skills?

NOT FUCKIN GOOD

(she can cook meat alright but anything more complex than that? no)

49. Do you consider any particular quest or side quest to be definitive for your prophet? Which one(s) and why?

i bulldozed through the main quest on my first playthrough; i’ll probably be able to answer this question better once the steam release drops and i can replay the game.

50. How forgiving are they? For example, if they were yelled at in a brothel after searching high and low for this little sh*t, how would they react?

first of all, everyone has a different reaction to traumatic experiences and sometimes that reaction isn’t “palatably sad and helpless” so jot that down. that being said, fleur was extremely upset about that because a) she’s also not an “uwu soft helpless cinnamon roll” kind of trauma survivor, b) some of what he said was generally hurtful, and c) that entire mission had already been one big long anxiety attack

but she’s too hyperempathetic to hold a grudge, especially when a) she knows where the person who hurt her was coming from, b) she gets a sincere apology, and c) she is more than a little in love with the person doing the apologizing.

51. What do they think of the Veiled Woman?

uh. mixed feelings. for what it’s worth, her feelings are mixed because they started out negative and then once she actually got to talk to the veiled woman her opinion strongly improved but like...sirius still died right in front of her because of this woman’s actions so they’ll never be fully positive.

52. If they had been a victim of one of the black stones, how would it have affected them? What would they have used its power to accomplish?

[slams huge portfolio of ideas i’ve had about this exact scenario on your desk] well y’see fleur as she is in canon is a brand of yandere that only technically qualifies as such: she won’t kidnap or murder people who reject her advances, but...uh...don’t harm her loved ones and expect mercy.

fleur under the influence of the black stones...well. it’d be very much like this except not Literally Directed Toward A Fucking Relative. esp the “well you found out now all i can hope for from you is to see your face one last time as you kill me” ending. not quite full yuno gasai love-me-or-i’ll-slaughter-you giggling while hacking someone up but. you know. Something Adjacent.

53. What was their reaction to the Black Guardian’s revelations? Do they accept or reject his offer?

she just kind of emotionally shut down. it was a lot to take in, esp for her. she took him up on his offer because by that point she was desperate for everything she’d gone through to mean something.

54. How does their story end?

credits rolled on her sitting on the edge of the star city with jespar. while the credits rolled i was staring into the void thinking about my life. not sure if that’s canon, next playthrough i’m gonna do a hard save before the final decision point and see if catharsis leaves me feeling less empty inside.

55. Do they change over the course of the story? In what ways?

she becomes a lot more confident and sure of herself and even though she never stops being an optimist she learns to stop setting herself on fire to keep others warm.

56. Anything else you’d like to share about them?

she’s so cautiously positive because she was written as a foil to my shadowgod alessia, a textbook nihilist who only got worse after the events of nehrim.

57. Bonus: For you- what are you most excited for in Forgotten Stories?

VEILED WOMAN BACKSTORY

[purify-orre-blog]

Addendum: Michael’s Video Logs - Prologue Section

TL:DR; Hi, here’s the first video log Michael made during his time in the Killing Game. This one is Michael renouncing Gonzap, albeit, in a roundabout way. He knows what’s up. This one is in the Main Folder, titled “2Gamma_Suspended.mp4”. It is ordered after “1Intro_Only.mp4”, which will post under the Chapter 5 tag. These will also be under the “VideoLog” tag. Check Navigation or Here for the chronological order!

TW/CW : A Panic Attack, Negative Self-Talk

Accompanying Music: Theme of Suspense (You Know What You Must Do, Even If You Don’t Want To)

It’s a wide shot of Michael’s room, partly obscured by a stepladder. Michael’s face comes up into focus and the view shakes a bit as he grabs the camera to adjust it. Carefully moving down the stepladder, he makes a box with his hands and stands in front of the view pensively. “Optimal range set for Project Gamma.”

He drops the box, frowning and moving back a couple feet to frame the scene again. “Not to Self: Cameras 1 and 2 still out-of-commission. Make due with 3 for now.” As if moving on autopilot, he marches in place until he’s facing the couch and coffee table, then makes his way over to start clacking at his laptop computer. He’s sitting on the edge of the couch, every few seconds readjusting his posture to sit up straight, even though the readjusting seems to make it difficult for him to type… He seems engrossed with it, furiously typing something, before snapping his eyes shut and standing up. He sprints back up the ladder to adjust the camera again. Then down with even more caution than before.

This process goes on in a cycle for a few minutes.

“Project Gamma: Theorized Log 1 of 1, Start.”

There is a noticeable thumb print on the bottom right corner of the screen. Michael seems not to notice. He moves back to the coffee table and enters one last string of message on the laptop, before returning to the stepladder and using a surprising lack of force to move it off-screen. “Note: Return ladder to front desk by the end of the day.”

He shuffles back into range and smiles matter-of-fact. “As you should know by now, this is broadcasting worldwide for the sole purpose of updating Gonzap with mission specs.” He lets his arms swing back-and-forth and sways a little in place.  “For once, it’s nothing more than observation work. So, if you aren’t Gonzap, and you’re on this encrypted channel,” He stills and gives a sheepish grin to the camera, “please leave? This is kind of also, like, my diary for the mandatory vacation?” He twists and twirls himself around in his socks, turning to face the camera with finger guns. “Or stay!” And he drops the finger guns to cross his arms. “I mean, this will be broadcasting until I leave, so it is your choice!” And he looks down and off to the left. “Except, spying on me is kinda’ rude…”

And he flinches in that thought and uncrosses his arms and lets a nasty laugh peel out. “But I deserve it! After poisoning Phenac and ruining Eldes’ family, this is exactly what I deserve!” Almost immediately, like he’s realizing something, he flinches again and slaps his hands over his mouth and slouches in on himself and all is quiet.

If you’re listening quietly, and looking closely, you can see him breathe in and out to a 8 step pattern. “1, 2, 3, in.” And hold for one. “4, 5, 6, 7, out.” Over and over again.

And slowly, he lifts himself back up to full height. His expression is neutral and unreadable. He’s smiling. “Apologies for that, Gonzap. I’m not flaking out so soon, I promise.” The smile flickers into a frown for less than a second, less than a frame of footage, before it’s back. “I’d never let unnecessary complications take over my main role among this class as a diversion. I’ll do everything in my power to become this class’ Wes. To mitigate their aggression and fulfill family tradition. To cover up our plan through any means necessary.” And he looks off to the side and sighs. “It’s just, you know where this is going already, don’t you?” And back to the camera, smiling again.

“We aren’t really on vacation.”

He lets the smile grow and it reaches his eyes. He taps his left index finger up to his forehead and his eyes glaze over.

“Prime example of a hostage set-up. Starting with a grace period. Clever. The new-timers won’t know to expect it.”

He starts pacing, slowly, back-and-forth, just within the camera’s range.

“Several influential targets all kept under illusory pretenses. Some already acquainted, most just vaguely aware of each other. From different parts of the world with different talents. An age-range of young adults all with above-average intelligence. Most of them well-versed in improvisational skills, reading people, and criminal processes. A proverbial stir-fry to create a killer reality TV broadcast.”

He picks up speed to a walk, voice rising.

“There are security cameras everywhere, but I’m the only one who seemed to think that was off? I mean, I get I’ve never been to an amusement park before, but really? One in the bathrooms?!” And his voice rises. “The gap in my files is astounding, too. Nearly 3000 unaccounted for logs. That’s not normal. We’re looking at potential file tampering or memory loss, dating to a couple of years.”

He picks up speed to a jog, voice rising.

“Above that, all my hints are met with skepticism! I thought these Ultimates were supposed to be analytical masters, not kids on vacation! Why are they so relaxed? Don’t they understand we’re going to be held hostage?! We can’t leave! And there’s no itinerary or staff to be found anywhere, either! The food just appears hot-and-ready. I’m almost hesitant to try it.”

He picks up speed to a sprint, voice rising.

“I mean, really, who are they fooling? It’s just us kids, a few supernaturals, and absolutely no one else.”

And he stills off to the right, grimacing. His voice goes back to normal, which is admittedly, just a little quieter than one might expect an indoor-voice to be.

“What kind of respectable establishment would reward acceptance just to its pet projects? What kind of renowned institution would force bonding this way? What kind of school - if you can call this classist sham of a factory line a school - would rent out an amusement park just weeks before the start of the term?”

And he looks to the camera.

“It’s fiscally irresponsible and insulting. It must feel nice or good or something to be rewarded after accomplishing an assignment, when you’re a real person, but to me?”

He’s scowling.

“It’s demeaning.”

And his eyes crackle with something not quite human.

“I’m a reconnaissance agent sent to steal records from Hope’s Peak. I’m a spy. A tool.”

And he rakes his hands through his hair and starts pulling at his headband. The floor underneath Michael seems to start smoking.

“Gonzap, I can’t do this. I can’t be buddy-buddy with these beacons of humanity.”

He stretches the elastic so far it starts to rip. The carpet underneath his feet starts to let off visible shocks.

“Even that Russell kid is more heroic than me, and his title is Ultimate Guilty!!!!”

And he lets it go. It snaps back hard and he recoils back a bit. Where he was standing is now scorched. He has the decency to look ashamed.

“But I’m not here for that. A tool isn’t supposed to whine. A tool isn’t supposed to think. A tool isn’t supposed to feel anything more than fear of disappointment. A tool is supposed to bend to the will of its master.”

And he sighs back to raking his left hand through his hair.

“I’m going to keep it real with you, Gonzap. Project Gamma isn’t happening here.”

And he let his annoyed expression fall into something more real, something tired and sad.

“Project Gamma: Halted Progress. Start up Project Epsilon, effective immediately. Project Gamma: Theorized Log 1 of 1, End.”

And he gives himself a quick hug and looks one last time to the camera.

“Time to meet officially meet the suspects…”

And then, quietly, as he leaves view.

“I should’ve never wished we could stay in this fairytale forever. I should’ve known better than to waste a WISH here.”

[heliosfinance]

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years

[Special shout-out to J. Money for letting me bring you guys today’s guest post. While playing poker semi-professionally for nearly 5 years (while I should have been studying) I learned a ton about money – a lot of which is still applicable to non-poker players. Hope you guys enjoy my story!]

******

Given the stigma around gambling, it’s pretty easy to see why people give me the side-eye whenever I say playing poker was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.

For the longest time I was never really comfortable even talking about it. It was disheartening to see the game I enjoyed so heavily criticized by so many people.

During a 5 year run from 2006-2011 I was able to amass over six-figures in earnings by grinding cash games online (grinding is a slang poker term used to describe players who use risk-averse methods to churn out a slow, steady profit).

Not bad for a kid trying to double as a college student!

If it weren’t for one fateful day in April of 2011 (while still in college at Virginia Tech), I’d probably be off playing poker professionally somewhere outside of the United States – but more on that later.

And while the income I was able to earn was a definite perk, it’s more what I learned about money while playing poker that will benefit me in the long run. From acquiring extreme discipline, to learning to respect money, to having a better awareness of my own health, playing online poker for those few years highlighted personal strengths that I’ll forever hold on to.

Most People Just Don’t Get Poker

I never really understood why people constantly lumped Texas Holdem (the form of poker most of you are accustomed to seeing on TV) in with gambling.

“How can they not understand that poker and gambling are nothing alike?,” I’d constantly ask myself.

I guess from the outside it makes sense. You get dealt cards. You shove money in a pot. You cringe when the card you’re looking for never comes. You lie (bluff) when you missed said card.

To the casual observer, that is gambling. You live and die (and win and lose) based on deceit and luck.

Experienced players know, however, that that perception couldn’t be further from the truth…it would be nothing to me to lose a $1,050.00 pot knowing I went in with 16 outs and 2 cards to come on a semi-bluff.

“But Ben, you just lost $457 in one hand. You didn’t even have a pair,” friends would say, totally bewildered.

“Yeah, I know. It happens,” as I sat there thinking “they’ll never get it even if I try to explain it.”

The casual observer just wouldn’t get how pot, implied and reverse implied odds, along with fold equity can all tilt the expected value of a hand into a marginal winner.

A +6.98% EV winner. But hey, that beats slots, right?

Also literally every single other casino game.

It makes me want to cringe every time someone sits down at a game knowing (or not knowing) the expected value (EV) of each and every single hand they play ranges from -0.5% to -27.0% (low house edge games include Baccarat and Blackjack, to Roulette, all the way to Keno on the high side).

That’s gambling.

You’re placing a bet where a house edge exists, for the chance to win some amount of money. Over millions of hands, you’re going to lose. Even with perfect strategy. Insanity.

Poker players live and die to make those +6.98% (and much smaller) margin decisions time and time again. They obsess over it. At least the good ones anyways.

This isn’t to start a war with those who enjoy table games. To the contrary, opportunity-cost would suggest there is an amount within your budget you can lose and still be allowed to have fun. It is merely to highlight just how extreme someone like me can be when it comes to extracting small money wins time and time again.

You see, poker is unlike every other casino game. While such a house edge still exists in poker (rake), it is singularly one of the only games where a player’s skill has the ability to overcome the house edge over millions of iterations – rule variations aside.

How It All Started

Televised Poker, Texas Hold’em specifically, exploded in the early 2000’s. The mainstream media prominently displayed the WSOP (World Series of Poker) and other high-roller tournaments in prime-time television and viewers couldn’t get enough of it.

That same explosion occurred online as well. Players flocked to the digital felt after a relative poker novice, Chris Moneymaker, won $2,500,000 in his first live poker appearance in 2003. Yeah, that’s 2.5 million dollars on his first try. Must be nice.

“That could be me”, or so a lot of people thought.

Not me, though.

I couldn’t care less about televised poker. I didn’t know a single professional, and had no desire to learn about them.

I was simply tired of losing my $5.00. The $5.00 I would have to spend to play at home with my friends while we were all still in high school. Seriously, I lost like 20 times in a row. The phrase, “You’re always wrong” was so heavily associated with my poker prowess that I could barely stand it.

But I loved playing. And how awesome it was that I could play online, when my friends weren’t around, for that same $5.00!

And So It Went…

For the better part of 5 years I played poker online. It was during that time I realized that learning to play poker was harder than mastering any college class I had ever taken.

Organic chemistry. Physics. A vast array of economics classes.

All a joke. Seriously. Learning the various playing styles, poker theory, and the math behind optimal play made those classes look juvenile.

But that was the part that I found addicting. Just how complex something that seemed so simple, really could be.

I didn’t have time to play large tournaments, some of which can last over 20 hours, but the allure of making money while killing time between classes was too good to pass up (never mind studying).

Cash games provided just that opportunity. You could sit down on multiple tables in just minutes and play several thousand hands in less than an hour.

You wouldn’t believe the bizarre looks I would get at Starbucks when someone would try to sneak a peek over my shoulder as I frantically commandeered 24 open poker tables on my laptop! It never ceased to blow their mind how one could know what was going on in 24 different poker games all at once.

But quick wit, a general understanding of technology (Poker Heads Up Displays for those of you that are familiar) and a strong ability to conduct quick math allowed me to do just that.

Eking out those small marginal wins over and over and over again, millions of times in fact, helped me earn money in a way I never thought possible.

I was paying my own way, and the profit was enough to pay off the over $100,000 in school loans I needed to take out to fund my education.

Good enough for me, I thought. I could get used to this.

And Then It Was All Gone

Consistently cashing out my earnings to pay for school left my “bankroll” on life support for most of my poker career. It prevented me from taking shots at the games highest levels (where you needed the ability to cash flow bigger swings), but I didn’t care.

I was making nearly $100/hr mashing buttons, doing the same thing over and over.

I was consistently playing with sub-optimal bankroll management (in terms of adequate buy-ins available) but my basic skill level allowed me to get away with it.

But on April 15th 2011, everything changed and none of us saw it coming.

Internet poker as we knew it came crumbling down. The Department of Justice had slapped the top honchos of multiple poker websites with what amounted to money laundering charges, and those websites in turn closed off all access to US facing customers.

I got one last check from PokerStars for just shy of $10,000, and that was the end of it.

The DOJ later clarified in December of that same year that playing online poker for money was not illegal, but the damage had already been done. Online poker in the United States had come to a screeching halt for the time being.

That stark reality turned my little money making operation into my own personal heap of ruble. I immediately needed to focus on finishing college, and all of a sudden I needed a “real” job.

What Poker Taught Me About Life and Money

When it was all said and done, I had ended up making almost exactly what I had put in (to school).

Just over $112,000 in loans – just under $112,000 in poker profit. And that’s after paying taxes.

It was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. One I’ll forever be thankful for. Aside from finishing up payments on my recent car purchase, I’m currently debt free.

There are a lot of lessons here though, that will benefit anyone regardless of their love (or hate) of poker.

#1. You have to be extremely disciplined

Like “NNNobodYYY” shared in J’s Confessions of an Online Poker Player here years ago, playing poker is mentally exhausting. So too is being disciplined with your money. You constantly have to make decisions with no one around to hold you accountable.

You overspend on things you wanted, but didn’t really need. You buy things for people because you truly enjoy the feeling it brings when you see that look on their face, but you can’t really afford it.

If you’re one of these people, try seeking out an extra form of accountability. With poker I’d publicly post big hands I had lost and seek feedback from others. I’d post earnings/losses from sessions in full transparency – it helped because I wanted to be proud of the decisions I made at the table.

J. Money sought out that same transparency when he created Budgets Are Sexy and it has allowed him to document his net worth every month for everyone to see. Others, maybe even you, seek financial apps to help track your own finances down to the penny, such as Personal Capital – a tool I also highly recommend. (Related: Why I Use Personal Capital Almost Every Single Day – A Real Life Review)

Try talking to others about money. Surround yourself with people that have good money habits and who don’t pressure you into making unwise spending choices. Find a good role model and learn from them!

#2. Every little bit counts

In poker, I literally obsessed over making the most +EV decision at all times (positive expected value or outcome of a situation). That has carried over to my daily spending habits in a huge way.

I cannot stand the thought of wasting money, and it’s a feeling I hope never goes away.

I’m not obsessed with minimalism and I don’t even coupon or any of that stuff, but I do have a strong aversion to making decisions that I know are not in my financial best interest. It’s that sort of attitude, perhaps ironically, that allows me to save for the purchases in life that I do enjoy (e.g. vacationing and/or stuff for my car- my other guilty pleasure).

To make every little bit count, start by reducing frivolous spending in your routine and make your hard earned dollars go further. Even something as simple as dumping your extra change in a jar at the end of the day adds up nicely! It’s how I actually paid for my last cruise. (You can also be lazy these days, and have automated robots save or invest your spare change away as you go about your business too – whatever it takes)

#3. Being healthy matters

Sitting at a poker table, either in person or online, for long periods of time is extremely unhealthy. Your physical state directly correlates to your mental ability.

Even the best poker players experience intense periods of stress. So too do people with poor spending habits!

How do

Anxiety

Depression

Digestive problems

Headaches

Heart disease

Sleep problems

Weight gain

Memory and concentration impairment

all sound?

Not too good.

Fortunately, my love for poker also extended to the gym. It helped keep me awake and mentally sharp (think endorphins) while allowing me to withstand the physical “demands” of having to sit in one place for stupidly long periods of time.

By practicing good money habits you eliminate a stress point in your life. Your body will thank you for it. As will your wallet. Hospital bills and doctor visits are incredibly expensive – why not avoid them all together? Preventive maintenance is the best medicine.

#4. You have to respect your money

I’m not here to guilt you into not spending. Okay, well maybe I’m here a little bit to guilt you into not spending.

But really, not everyone is in a position to spend freely without a care in the world. Prioritize what is important to you and cut out what isn’t necessary. Spend where it matters – save where it makes sense to save. If you could salvage $57.31/month by cutting out a Caramel Macchiato every 3 days then do it. If you’re not making ends meet each month it is this sort of sacrifice that could put you over the top. Little, repetitive purchases like this really cut into your bottom line without you even noticing it.

Look past the $40.00 tank of gas. Look past the $35.00 water bill. What are you spending less than $10.00 on? Those are the purchases that will be the death of you because you barely even notice them. You’re shooting yourself in the foot without even realizing it.

#5. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

Ah yes, the hardest lesson of all. You don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You just don’t do it.

I almost made the decision to quit school and play poker full time. Now that would have been a sick beat. Could I have made it post April 2011…? Maybe. I’ll likely never know, and that’s okay.

Your financial life shouldn’t be any different.

Take on risk where it makes sense to take on risk, but don’t go chasing after huge paydays.

Should you take on high-risk investments when you’re still in debt? Probably not.

Should you burn through thousands a year on scratch-off tickets. Nope.

Should you spend money freely banking on your tax-return coming soon? Negative.

The growth of credit has made it easier than ever to spend now, worry about it later. And that’s a terrifying habit to get into.

A scary fact of life is that you don’t always know what’s going to happen.

But that’s okay. Be smart. Be prepared. Have an emergency fund for when things get tight, and don’t always assume that the money will always be there. Tilt the odds!

****** Outside of his recreational poker playing activities, Ben writes for the finance blogs Breaking the One Percent and VTX Capital. When he’s not busy at the gym or getting yelled at on the job (registered nurse), he enjoys sharing with others on how to make and save more money.

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years published first on http://ift.tt/2ljLF4B

[fesahaawit]

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years

[Special shout-out to J. Money for letting me bring you guys today’s guest post. While playing poker semi-professionally for nearly 5 years (while I should have been studying) I learned a ton about money – a lot of which is still applicable to non-poker players. Hope you guys enjoy my story!]

******

Given the stigma around gambling, it’s pretty easy to see why people give me the side-eye whenever I say playing poker was one of the smartest decisions I’ve ever made.

For the longest time I was never really comfortable even talking about it. It was disheartening to see the game I enjoyed so heavily criticized by so many people.

During a 5 year run from 2006-2011 I was able to amass over six-figures in earnings by grinding cash games online (grinding is a slang poker term used to describe players who use risk-averse methods to churn out a slow, steady profit).

Not bad for a kid trying to double as a college student!

If it weren’t for one fateful day in April of 2011 (while still in college at Virginia Tech), I’d probably be off playing poker professionally somewhere outside of the United States – but more on that later.

And while the income I was able to earn was a definite perk, it’s more what I learned about money while playing poker that will benefit me in the long run. From acquiring extreme discipline, to learning to respect money, to having a better awareness of my own health, playing online poker for those few years highlighted personal strengths that I’ll forever hold on to.

Most People Just Don’t Get Poker

I never really understood why people constantly lumped Texas Holdem (the form of poker most of you are accustomed to seeing on TV) in with gambling.

“How can they not understand that poker and gambling are nothing alike?,” I’d constantly ask myself.

I guess from the outside it makes sense. You get dealt cards. You shove money in a pot. You cringe when the card you’re looking for never comes. You lie (bluff) when you missed said card.

To the casual observer, that is gambling. You live and die (and win and lose) based on deceit and luck.

Experienced players know, however, that that perception couldn’t be further from the truth…it would be nothing to me to lose a $1,050.00 pot knowing I went in with 16 outs and 2 cards to come on a semi-bluff.

“But Ben, you just lost $457 in one hand. You didn’t even have a pair,” friends would say, totally bewildered.

“Yeah, I know. It happens,” as I sat there thinking “they’ll never get it even if I try to explain it.”

The casual observer just wouldn’t get how pot, implied and reverse implied odds, along with fold equity can all tilt the expected value of a hand into a marginal winner.

A +6.98% EV winner. But hey, that beats slots, right?

Also literally every single other casino game.

It makes me want to cringe every time someone sits down at a game knowing (or not knowing) the expected value (EV) of each and every single hand they play ranges from -0.5% to -27.0% (low house edge games include Baccarat and Blackjack, to Roulette, all the way to Keno on the high side).

That’s gambling.

You’re placing a bet where a house edge exists, for the chance to win some amount of money. Over millions of hands, you’re going to lose. Even with perfect strategy. Insanity.

Poker players live and die to make those +6.98% (and much smaller) margin decisions time and time again. They obsess over it. At least the good ones anyways.

This isn’t to start a war with those who enjoy table games. To the contrary, opportunity-cost would suggest there is an amount within your budget you can lose and still be allowed to have fun. It is merely to highlight just how extreme someone like me can be when it comes to extracting small money wins time and time again.

You see, poker is unlike every other casino game. While such a house edge still exists in poker (rake), it is singularly one of the only games where a player’s skill has the ability to overcome the house edge over millions of iterations – rule variations aside.

How It All Started

Televised Poker, Texas Hold’em specifically, exploded in the early 2000’s. The mainstream media prominently displayed the WSOP (World Series of Poker) and other high-roller tournaments in prime-time television and viewers couldn’t get enough of it.

That same explosion occurred online as well. Players flocked to the digital felt after a relative poker novice, Chris Moneymaker, won $2,500,000 in his first live poker appearance in 2003. Yeah, that’s 2.5 million dollars on his first try. Must be nice.

“That could be me”, or so a lot of people thought.

Not me, though.

I couldn’t care less about televised poker. I didn’t know a single professional, and had no desire to learn about them.

I was simply tired of losing my $5.00. The $5.00 I would have to spend to play at home with my friends while we were all still in high school. Seriously, I lost like 20 times in a row. The phrase, “You’re always wrong” was so heavily associated with my poker prowess that I could barely stand it.

But I loved playing. And how awesome it was that I could play online, when my friends weren’t around, for that same $5.00!

And So It Went…

For the better part of 5 years I played poker online. It was during that time I realized that learning to play poker was harder than mastering any college class I had ever taken.

Organic chemistry. Physics. A vast array of economics classes.

All a joke. Seriously. Learning the various playing styles, poker theory, and the math behind optimal play made those classes look juvenile.

But that was the part that I found addicting. Just how complex something that seemed so simple, really could be.

I didn’t have time to play large tournaments, some of which can last over 20 hours, but the allure of making money while killing time between classes was too good to pass up (never mind studying).

Cash games provided just that opportunity. You could sit down on multiple tables in just minutes and play several thousand hands in less than an hour.

You wouldn’t believe the bizarre looks I would get at Starbucks when someone would try to sneak a peek over my shoulder as I frantically commandeered 24 open poker tables on my laptop! It never ceased to blow their mind how one could know what was going on in 24 different poker games all at once.

But quick wit, a general understanding of technology (Poker Heads Up Displays for those of you that are familiar) and a strong ability to conduct quick math allowed me to do just that.

Eking out those small marginal wins over and over and over again, millions of times in fact, helped me earn money in a way I never thought possible.

I was paying my own way, and the profit was enough to pay off the over $100,000 in school loans I needed to take out to fund my education.

Good enough for me, I thought. I could get used to this.

And Then It Was All Gone

Consistently cashing out my earnings to pay for school left my “bankroll” on life support for most of my poker career. It prevented me from taking shots at the games highest levels (where you needed the ability to cash flow bigger swings), but I didn’t care.

I was making nearly $100/hr mashing buttons, doing the same thing over and over.

I was consistently playing with sub-optimal bankroll management (in terms of adequate buy-ins available) but my basic skill level allowed me to get away with it.

But on April 15th 2011, everything changed and none of us saw it coming.

Internet poker as we knew it came crumbling down. The Department of Justice had slapped the top honchos of multiple poker websites with what amounted to money laundering charges, and those websites in turn closed off all access to US facing customers.

I got one last check from PokerStars for just shy of $10,000, and that was the end of it.

The DOJ later clarified in December of that same year that playing online poker for money was not illegal, but the damage had already been done. Online poker in the United States had come to a screeching halt for the time being.

That stark reality turned my little money making operation into my own personal heap of ruble. I immediately needed to focus on finishing college, and all of a sudden I needed a “real” job.

What Poker Taught Me About Life and Money

When it was all said and done, I had ended up making almost exactly what I had put in (to school).

Just over $112,000 in loans – just under $112,000 in poker profit. And that’s after paying taxes.

It was a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. One I’ll forever be thankful for. Aside from finishing up payments on my recent car purchase, I’m currently debt free.

There are a lot of lessons here though, that will benefit anyone regardless of their love (or hate) of poker.

#1. You have to be extremely disciplined

Like “NNNobodYYY” shared in J’s Confessions of an Online Poker Player here years ago, playing poker is mentally exhausting. So too is being disciplined with your money. You constantly have to make decisions with no one around to hold you accountable.

You overspend on things you wanted, but didn’t really need. You buy things for people because you truly enjoy the feeling it brings when you see that look on their face, but you can’t really afford it.

If you’re one of these people, try seeking out an extra form of accountability. With poker I’d publicly post big hands I had lost and seek feedback from others. I’d post earnings/losses from sessions in full transparency – it helped because I wanted to be proud of the decisions I made at the table.

J. Money sought out that same transparency when he created Budgets Are Sexy and it has allowed him to document his net worth every month for everyone to see. Others, maybe even you, seek financial apps to help track your own finances down to the penny, such as Personal Capital – a tool I also highly recommend. (Related: Why I Use Personal Capital Almost Every Single Day – A Real Life Review)

Try talking to others about money. Surround yourself with people that have good money habits and who don’t pressure you into making unwise spending choices. Find a good role model and learn from them!

#2. Every little bit counts

In poker, I literally obsessed over making the most +EV decision at all times (positive expected value or outcome of a situation). That has carried over to my daiy spending habits in a huge way.

I cannot stand the thought of wasting money, and it’s a feeling I hope never goes away.

I’m not obsessed with minimalism and I don’t even coupon or any of that stuff, but I do have a strong aversion to making decisions that I know are not in my financial best interest. It’s that sort of attitude, perhaps ironically, that allows me to save for the purchases in life that I do enjoy (e.g. vacationing and/or stuff for my car- my other guilty pleasure).

To make every little bit count, start by reducing frivolous spending in your routine and make your hard earned dollars go further. Even as something as simple as dumping your extra change in a jar at the end of the day adds up nicely! It’s how I actually paid for my last cruise. (You can also be lazy these days, and have automated robots save or invest your spare change away as you go about your business too – whatever it takes)

#3. Being healthy matters

Sitting at a poker table, either in person or online, for long periods of time is extremely unhealthy. Your physical state directly correlates to your mental ability.

Even the best poker players experience intense periods of stress. So too do people with poor spending habits!

How do

Anxiety

Depression

Digestive problems

Headaches

Heart disease

Sleep problems

Weight gain

Memory and concentration impairment

all sound?

Not too good.

Fortunately, my love for poker also extended to the gym. It helped keep me awake and mentally sharp (think endorphins) while allowing me to withstand the physical “demands” of having to sit in one place for stupidly long periods of time.

By practicing good money habits you eliminate a stress point in your life. Your body will thank you for it. As will your wallet. Hospital bills and doctor visits are incredibly expensive – why not avoid them all together? Preventive maintenance is the best medicine.

#4. You have to respect your money

I’m not here to guilt you into not spending. Okay, well maybe I’m here a little bit to guilt you into not spending.

But really, not everyone is in a position to spend freely without a care in the world. Prioritize what is important to you and cut out what isn’t necessary. Spend where it matters – save where it makes sense to save. If you could salvage $57.31/month by cutting out a Caramel Macchiato every 3 days then do it. If you’re not making ends meet each month it is this sort of sacrifice that could put you over the the top. Little, repetitive purchases like this really cut into your bottom line without you even noticing it.

Look past the $40.00 tank of gas. Look past the $35.00 water bill. What are you spending less than $10.00 on? Those are the purchases that will be the death of you because you barely even notice them. You’re shooting yourself in the foot without even realizing it.

#5. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket

Ah yes, the hardest lesson of all. You don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You just don’t do it.

I almost made the decision to quit school and play poker full time. Now that would have been a sick beat. Could I have made it post April 2011…? Maybe. I’ll likely never know, and that’s okay.

Your financial life shouldn’t be any different.

Take on risk where it makes sense to take on risk, but don’t go chasing after huge paydays.

Should you take on high-risk investments when you’re still in debt? Probably not.

Should you burn through thousands a year on scratch-off tickets. Nope.

Should you spend money freely banking on your tax-return coming soon? Negative.

The growth of credit has made it easier than ever to spend now, worry about it later. And that’s a terrifying habit to get into.

A scary fact of life is that you don’t always know what’s going to happen.

But that’s okay. Be smart. Be prepared. Have an emergency fund for when things get tight, and don’t always assume that the money will always be there. Tilt the odds!

****** Outside of his recreational poker playing activities, Ben writes for the finance blogs Breaking the One Percent and VTX Capital. When he’s not busy at the gym or getting yelled at on the job (registered nurse), he enjoys sharing with others on how to make and save more money.

What I Learned Playing Poker Semi-Professionally For 5 Years posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ