#also they/neos your n i don’t take criticism

[vqlisms]

if no-one else is gonna dissect n’s room i guess i have to do it myself

this is based purely on the games btw :3

n is about the same age as the rest of the bw protags, perhaps a bit older. estimations and canon information say they’re around 18-20 in bw and 20-22 in the sequels.

n’s room is on the fourth floor of plasma castle. it has purple and white checkerboard walls, and blue and white cloud pattern flooring. the ost plays a melancholic music-box theme, a sharp contrast to the pressure of the orchestral (or as close as the bw soundfont can get) symphony in the castle halls.

the toys in the room are not interactable, but do have text prompts.

an incomplete train set loops around the entrance. “It’s a set of trains and tracks. Has it been played with recently?”

a toy box rests beside the looping train. “This toy box contains pieces of a train set.”

a downsized basketball court takes up half the open floor. the hoop, with a toy train blocking the net, reads: “It’s a home-style basketball hoop…” the basketball on the floor beside it reads: “It’s a basketball that looks like it’s been used a lot. It says Harmonia on it…”

underneath a rotating plane suspended from the ceiling, “A skateboard is resting on a pile of wheels.”

to the right, blocking the back wall and more toy boxes, is a half pipe. “A halfpipe for skateboards… It has Pokémon scratch marks on it here and there…”

the only reachable toy box behind the halfpipe reads, “This toy box is full of new toys…”

on the back wall are three decorations. the leftmost one is a dartboard with several darts stuck to and around it. a frame beside it, hanging crookedly from the wall, reads, “This panel has a dart stuck in it.” the rightmost picture is made up of two shades of purple. “An art panel with a printed geometric pattern.”

n’s room is barely larger than the others we’re able to visit in the castle. the room is childish and colourful, not a bad thing, but definitely not fitting to the king of team plasma or the person who has been so confident in their ideals.

n was adopted by ghetsis when they were small, likely not even 10. they had no knowledge of what was normal or necessary for human children’s development. the world had no knowledge of them either, since ghetsis isolated them from society with only abused pokemon and their sisters or other team plasma members. this castle was underground for years, they were physically and emotionally dependent on people who shared ghestis’s ideals.

children are easy to manipulate. children are easy to mould. children are easy to control. no-one has changed n’s room with their growth because they weren’t supposed to; if n grew and learned and thought, they wouldn’t be the perfect king that team plasma needed. but this room, whimsical and lonely, isn’t a king’s room. n is a figurehead and a symbol. they have no control or duties, their responsibilities end at looking regal. only the people allowed into their room—ghetsis, their sisters, and select other plasma members—see that they are nothing past the garb and speeches that they preach.

aaaaaalso symbolism time!!! once again the castle is underground for the majority of the time it exists but also, please note the layout of the rooms that exist within it. none of the rooms have windows, but most of them do have chimneys. in a normal house, windows, useful or locked, at least allow a person to acknowledge the existence of an outside. since windows are useless in an underground castle, there are none. but that’s not quite true, is it? after all, the point of the construction of plasma’s castle was for it to rise from the dirt and surround the league. most of the rooms have chimneys, which would be nothing but a hazard underground when the smog would have nowhere to vent to. but they have constructed chimneys, because this castle isn’t meant to stay underground forever. n’s room does not have a chimney, or windows. there is nothing connecting their room directly to the outside of the castle.

also, the pattern of the flooring specifically is clouds. the pattern is rote, symmetrical. there are no variations, no deviations. also, this pattern is on the floor. of course, we can’t see the ceiling because of the camera limitations/perspective and the style of the game, but i think putting the sky on the ground is still interesting. because n knows what outside looks like, they grew up in the wilderness for years, enough to learn to understand pokemon. but now, in this castle, they can’t leave. the sky is upside-down and carefully graphed, and part of that is like with the toys to keep n from getting restless, but it also shows how warped their environment has made their view of the outside world. they’ve been told everything they know about society and how it functions, presented like the truth, and have only been given evidence that certified what they’ve been told.

also, a fun bit of colour symbolism. reshiram follows the hero of truth, while zekrom follows the hero of ideals. now here’s the fun part: their colours are swapped. reshiram and truth are black, while zekrom and ideals are white, corresponding with the twin dragon that the protag is able to catch in the story. outside of the dartboard on the back and some lineart, there is no black in n’s room. i don’t care if it was intentional or not, n’s room is a figment of their and the people around them’s ideals, all presented as the truth. but no matter how they present it, no matter what they wrap it in or how they light it, there’s no truth to anything they’ve been given.

also real quick the presented/fake freedom to n’s room parallels the difference between what team plasma is presenting their goals to be and ghetsis’s actual goal of holding power over people

IM BACK also note how the newest toys are shoved in the very very back of the room, almost hidden behind their old ones. they’ve played with the same toys over and over and over because they’ve had nothing else to do. they don’t have crayons or paper or crafts, their entire room is made up of solid unchanging toys. they can rearrange them and look and play from different angles, but there’s fundamentally nothing new they can do with anything. this parallels how the only ideas and ideals n could ever conceptualise were ones literally handed to them growing up. they didn’t have any information or experience to create their own because they didn’t know anything else existed. any new ideas they shoved away and repressed, regardless of how close they were to their own, or who was presenting them to them. nothing new has ever existed for them, not for a very very long time.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I COMPLETELY FORGOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING there is literally zero (0) furniture in n’s room. no bed, no dressers, absolutely nothing. there are two things i want to point out about this, one to do with n’s position in team plasma and another to do with a bit more symbolism i guess? n’s room isn’t meant to be comfortable, it’s a gilded cage, it’s simply meant to hold them, so that they don’t get restless, so that they don’t leave, so that they play along. they are a puppet leader, plasma grunts obey them because of their figure, but almost all of the major decisions of the team are either from ghetsis or from his manipulation. and ghetsis treats them like a puppet, too. after all, dolls may look human, but they don’t need anything. and n was in a perfect position for not needing anything, since they had no standards of what a human should receive in a healthy household, emotionally or physically.

anyways if i forgot anything whoopie daisy, i’ll add it later or scream about it or something (current edit count: 3). for now let’s just say pokemon won’t be called pokemon anymore after i’m done with ghetsis

[unovasrose]

This post is meant to serve as a starting point for potential interactions and is not all-inclusive! If you have any thoughts or want to suggest something that’s not on here, please feel free to bring it up! I’m certainly open for things not on this list.

Dynamics That I’d Like To Explore*

Professional Friendships / Acquaintances - with other Champions, League Trainers, Frontier Brains, etc. (It’s worth nothing that she does her research so she’s usually up to date on who the League-affiliated trainers are in each region). It would be neat to figure out what the different regions can learn from each other. If our muses are both part of the Unova League, I’d love to explore their dynamic (which will be based on Rosa’s view of them before she became champion, and which can definitely change based on present interactions). Also, any muses that are in the show business, as she is a famous actress (and I don’t get to do enough with that). Maybe our muses are playing parts in the same movie or play? Or maybe your muse is into contests (of which Rosa knows next to NOTHING about) and they want to show Rosa the ropes?

Recognition - Rosa has plenty of star power in Unova due to her work with Pokéstar Studios and her status as Champion. Her movies are broadcast in other regions as well, so it’s entirely possible for a non-Unovan muse to recognize her just from seeing her on the silver screen. I’m open to her meeting both fans and critics alike. Additionally, she has recently become a Pasio Ambassador (more on that soon), so her face might be recognizable that way.

Rivalries - with other trainers of equal caliber. The other muse doesn’t need to be a Champion-level trainer for this dynamic to exist. There are plenty of powerful trainers out there that just don’t bother with League challenges and Rosa would be excited to come across them.

Former Plasma ties - whether that be former grunts that have had a change of heart like her or grunts that stuck to it and followed Ghetsis to Neo Plasma, relationships of this nature can be either friendly or antagonistic. Additionally, she holds great respect for some former Plasma members (such as sage Rood, Anthea, Concordia, and N) and disdain for others (like Zinzolin), as well as fear of the Shadow Triad and Ghetsis himself.

Antagonistic - this goes hand in hand with the second half of the above, but it can obviously extend to other villain muses (though she would only know that villain muses outside of Unova are villains if it’s something that the mun agrees would have been all over the news at the point in time that interactions occur). Her views of Interpol are also swayed toward the negative, based on her past experiences with Agent Hale Foster and her mother being placed under house arrest briefly during the events of B2W2. Additionally, she has pissed off many a pokémon poacher in Unova due to her efforts to eradicate them from her region (which is actually important to an upcoming plot I have planned out for her).

Found family - her own blood family isn’t very big (reserved mostly to her mother and some family in Lentimas Town; her father is back in Paldea) so I love the idea of her coming to love her friends like family

Mentor/Mentee - with Rosa filling either of the roles at the corresponding points in her timeline. If she meets trainers from newer generations, she’s bound to take them under her wing. Likewise, if she meets more experienced elites and champions, she will welcome the idea of learning from their experience.

Simple friendships - maybe both our muses are into some sort of common hobby or enjoy the same type of music / movies or maybe they just like to get together to gossip or enjoy dessert together, lots of slice of life stuff.

Romantic relationships are not completely off the table but they require an extra layer of development and comfort between Rosa and other muses (and good/regular communication between myself and other muns).

Places Where Rosa Can Be Found*

Hoenn - she has to travel to Hoenn occasionally for the hot springs to ease the lingering pain from Kyurem’s unmelting ice-induced wounds. She loves to explore the Hoenn wilderness, though… and Meteor Falls is one of her favorite places ever.

Anywhere around Unova - she doesn’t spend all her time in the League. She constantly bounces between the preserves she established (White Forest and Icirrus), the Bring Us Together Foundation she established to help return Plasma-stolen pokémon to their previous owners (Driftveil), and Pokéstar Studios (Virbank). Her primary (but not public-known) residence is in Village Bridge and her secondary (but officially known) residence is in Nimbasa. Sometimes she goes as far as the Trainer’s School (Aspertia) to talk to younger would-be trainers and tends to take some of Cheren’s classes to capture their first pokémon in Floccessy.

Kalos - she spent some time training in Kalos prior to challenging the Unova E4 and Iris. She also occasionally travels for film-related business or gets dragged along to Lumiose by Blue ( @evoblue​ ) on shopping trips.

Galar - after a few years of championship (and an unwanted encounter with an obsessed fan that COULD have been bad), she takes a sabbatical and decides to disappear from the grid. She travels to Galar to train and explore the area, and also to spectate on the gym challenge.

Paldea - after learning from her mother that her father is of Paldean origins, she embarks on a trip to learn more about her father’s country of origin in an attempt to understand the man whose absence has always been a painful void in her life. Her mom claims he was a good man, though, so that counts for something.

*While Rosa has never officially been to Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, or Alola, she is open to visiting any of these regions. Johto in particular calls her interest due to the rich history and lore behind all the legendaries (as history and mythology were part of her studies while growing up).

Timelines

For the most part, Rosa’s threads will happen in the post B2W2 timeline / during her time as Champion. If you have a Unovan muse and are interested in writing something taking place during the plot of B2W2, I am open to discussion!

[renardtrickster]

Hot take: Fascists absolutely deserve to not only get deplatformed, but also killed so that they don't spread their harmful ideas around. The only good fascist is a dead fascist. And anyone who disagrees is a fascist sympathizer.

I do agree that deplatforming is pretty okay. Not only because most fascist rhetoric, talking points, discussion, etc., violate the Terms of Service of most self-respecting websites, so it's 100% within the rights of the website to remove and ban them. But because removing fascists removes their capability to do harm. I've seen some people worry that banning fascists would have far-reaching, negative effects, but I disagree.

By banning fascists from mainstream social media platforms, they'll be forced into their own private circles, which makes them hard to monitor. To this, I say "good". They'll be forced onto 4chan (full of shitposters and feds) or their own platforms which I don't think they're dedicated to do on a grand scale (Parler was the exception but it's dead now). It effectively removes their voice, which doesn't mean they whisper now, so they’ll engage in secret plots we can’t predict or act to prevent, it means they speak hoarsely now.

By banning fascists, we basically burn books and will never learn from our their mistakes, which ironically opens ourselves to fascism. This isn't how this works. You can learn that slavery was bad without having to give Neo-Confederates platforms. Not to mention, some fascists actually get documented before the boot. I remember two videos made by open fascists that are gone now, but videos still exists dissecting them and pointing out how they're not only bad, but wrong. So we still retain the ability to learn from their stupidity without letting them have an audience.

By banning fascists, slippery slopes they come for you next first they came for the etcetera etcetera. Conservatives love pulling out the fantasy that as soon as you make it internet illegal to say the n-word, they'll make it internet illegal to say anything bad about an individual black person ever (leftists already talk shit about individual black people, Candace Owens is not particularly well-liked), and then you won't be able to say anything. One fresh dose of basic familiarity with reality affirms this is not the case and never will be.

The big one. By banning fascists, you make fascism a "forbidden fruit". So you essentially create the next generation of fascists. Well, the opposite is true. By revoking fascists of their platforms, you sever their ability to recruit and indoctrinate. They can no longer spread their fearmongering and messages of hatred as wide as they once could, which cuts off their ability to convince old people and young people with no critical thinking skills (or perspective) who passively absorb what is essentially propaganda. Yes, they would still be there for people who really want to dig deep for their daily dose of fascism, but it will only be those people, and not the twelve year-olds who just discovered triggered feminist compilations, and not your grandparents.

But I'm gonna have to cut you off there chief. To me at least, the best kind of fascist is an ex-fascist, and dead fascists are more likely to be ex-fashies who never got the chance rather than the irredeemably evil and stupid. And both of those exist. Ben Shapiro is probably gone forever, there's nothing in that head anymore. But do you remember Lena Luxray? The anti-SJW blogger who came out as an anti-semite? She's not like that anymore! Officially ex-nazi. And that's good, because I kind of knew her and would definitely take "she's not a fascist anymore" over "she died like she lived, as a nazi" because the latter is kind of depressing. And in general there's a lot of people who honestly don't deserve death. Consequences, yes, but if reform is possible, I'd prefer that. Not only is it the ethical and moral (and optically good) option, but it's useful. To defeat your enemy, you must know your enemy, and who knows the enemy better than former enemies? Being the subject of indoctrination makes you that much more of an expert on indoctrination, which is an assist when it comes to preventing and deconstructing it.

That's my true and honest opinion, and I hope holding onto that opinion doesn’t make me a fascist sympathizer.

[minyoongisjiminie]

너는 나 나는 너 (neoneun na naneun neo)

ship: jikook, idol!jungkook x broke literature student!jimin

genre: fluff and angst, kind of slowburn

rating: pg-13

disclaimer: language and alcohol 

plot: jimin and jungkook were childhood friends and with jungkook training to become an idol, they both lost contact. jungkook however did never forget what Jimin once promised him: “If your pinky is bigger than mine, then I give you the allowance to marry me.” 

inspo: a beautiful fanart that i saw on insta some time ago. it made me brainstorm for a good amount of time :)

a/n: please be nice to me :’) I haven’t written stuff in such a long time and I’m so out of it…so pretty please cut me some slack :) constructive criticism is always allowed tho.

a big thank you to the closest mutual i have: @sugaforyou​ for beta reading and just being a helpful hand! i’m sure I was a mess… :’) I’m sorry for that and I love you! 

word count: 12,8k 

-

Jimin despised waking up early every day and then continuing to trot to the bus station. Did it even matter in the first place? School made him even more unmotivated than he already was in this part of life. In fact, there were no interesting and helpful topics he learned there and, furthermore, he thought that attending school was more something he fulfilled for his parents. They were always so proud of him when he brought home a good grade. So proud, that he always concealed how depressed school actually made him.  Going to school for so many hours to then attending the tuition classes and as if that weren’t enough also continuing studying at home, was that place that essential though? It just made him already completely weary when he wakes up on a Saturday. The only passion and hobby that he possessed was taking dance lessons, but even for those he rarely had time. He wanted to continue to attend them, but he was too overwhelmed with school that he was absolutely tired. On top of that, none of his friends actually tried to offer him a shoulder to cry or were even there to cheer him up. 

They did not realise how it was to live up each day to the expectations of others, how it was to live for others, just how it was to be so damn dependent on someone. Of course, he wasn’t the only one that had parents that were expecting so much. However, the friends that he established were all free spirits and some of their parents were even condoning that.

Oh, how he envied them. 

Why was he even so dependent on the hugs from his parents when he brought home an A, or just a simple “I’m proud of you” or “i love you”. It made him do things that he wouldn’t normally do. He was not expecting that just from his parents, but also from his friends. If he got these compliments and showers of love, he felt like it was okay to suffer. Maybe that was the reason why he was so lonely. He put himself into the moulds that people in his environment created for him. It ended up swallowing him up.

Nowadays, those he once called friends were ignoring him as much as they could, and his family didn’t really care about him. As long as he received  good grades and didn’t protest, they were fine with him. To be honest now without any distractions whatsoever he could completely concentrate on school, with his friends having stopped calling him on Friday nights to ask if he would come hang out with him on the weekend/following day.

They already knew he would find a pathetic excuse why he couldn’t attend. He was on his own.

Just as if someone like Kookie didn’t exist…

Kookie, or by his full name Jeon Jungkook, was his younger neighbour.

He was a few years younger than him and every time when Jimin was miserably trotting to school, the little one would always sprint his way up to him. Like Jimin’s puppy “Doraemon” trying to play with the little kids by running after them. Now after realising that, Jimin couldn’t stop thinking that they sort of looked similar to each other. That made him forget his sorrow for a little while, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

When Jimin was younger he always thought that Jungkook behaved that way because he looked up to him. Considering he was a few years older than him. Maybe he needed an older brother figure? Nowadays however Kookie comes to check if his pinkie grew out to be taller than the one of the older one. This cannot happen overnight of course, but Jungkook didn’t quite seem to understand how the mystery of time and patience worked.

“Hyung, just look! If my finger outgrows yours..! Then you need to marry me. You promised me!”

Jimin smiled gently. He actually stated that a few months back, because Jungkook wouldn’t stop bragging around that he was marrying Jimin soon. At first he thought it was cute, but after a while it started to get on Jimin’s nerves because he wouldn’t stop. So, the only option he had was to tell him they were still too young, and Jimin liked boys bigger than him.

To the surprise of the little one of course. He was absolutely bamboozled, his doe-like eyes grew even bigger in that moment, and he asked if he really needed to become taller than him, in order for him to take the older one’s hand in marriage. Jimin quickly grabbed the younger one by his hand and softly stated: “It’s enough if your little pinkie is bigger than hyung’s. And that needs some time, doesn’t it?” Kookie nodded shyly, examining the black and white converse chucks that the older one was wearing.

Looking back to it, he always ended up snickering a bit. The boy was truly a gift to the neighbourhood, everyone in the area loved him. Even though he was already growing up to become an adolescent, for all the neighbours he was still the little cute and gifted maknae, Kookie. A lot of his classmates that came to visit him were all trying too hard to look cool, which was normal for that age, but Kookie was still acting like a little adorable brat.

But dare you to recognize him and adore him back, face to face, then he turned into a big whiny mess.

Jungkook was indeed a once in a lifetime…

Jimin didn’t even know why Jungkook was so hellbent on “marrying” him. They were so young  and Jungkook so tiny. You wouldn’t tell he was twelve.

However, Jimin couldn’t stop feeling a bit flattered by the compliments and promises the little one gifted him. Even though it was “just his younger neighbour kid”.

“I firmly promise.” He hooked Kook’s little finger with his own, pulled his thumb onto his and made them touch. “You can trust your hyungie right?” Kook was already shyly staring at the pavement. Oh wow, now HE was the one that needed to be intimidated? “Of course, hyung.”

Jimin couldn’t contain himself, he chuckled. Jungkook was just such a… cutie pie.

To be honest, Jungkook isn’t 10 years or even 5 years younger than Jimin. The age gap consists of 2 years. That was completely alright. However, the height difference couldn’t be overlooked. Jungkook could reach Jimin’s chest at the moment, and the older one was sure that he would grow. However, the reason why Jimin was keeping his distance with his dongsaeng, was surely not the height difference. But rather that he would not stay right by his side. He wouldn’t continue to chase him down before school, ask for his pinkie in a cutely manner, or even give him the puppy eyes, to bribe him, so he could buy him his candies and banana milk. He would disappear in thin air. Just like his friends once did.

And that was bothering Jimin more than he would admit.

“You need to promise me that you’ll always give your best. Fate always brings those together that deeply care for each other. Okay?”

Jimin grabbed Jungkook by his shoulders, a bit tougher than he actually wanted, and he had a weird feeling in his guts telling him he wouldn’t see him again. He was indeed sure in his bones of the fact Jungkook would find someone better to look up to and adore.

In the end, Jimin was a loser, who wasn’t brave enough to run after his own dreams. And that sucked. Of course, it did. Jungkook shouldn’t stay here, though. Nothing should hold him here. Not even his first childhood romance.

If you could even call it like that..

“I’ll do that.. But if you forget me…!”

Jimin noticed the tears building up in Kookie’s big doe eyes, and he couldn’t contain his own sadness. It was so odd to see him in such a condition. He thought he would make some stupid jokes and then just say bye. Now looking at him like this, was concerning him.

“Hey… Oh Kook-ah!” He gently pushed Jungkook’s back into his arms, to embrace him into a hug. With one hand, the older one was caressing his little head while the other one his back.

“Hyung, will always be there with you. You cannot see me, but I’ll be right there by your side, alright?”

“I will miss you so much hyung.” the younger one replied with a trembling voice.

“You need to return quickly. You need to know if this one,” He showed his little pale pinkie. “Of yours, grew up to become bigger than mine, huh?” Jungkook’s lips finally formed a little smile, even though his eyes were still watery and red. “I promise. But when I come back you need to promise to marry me. Don’t you dare forget.”

Even though he wouldn’t admit it now, Jimin’s eyes back then were also filling up with tears. He caressed Jungkook’s head once more before moving away from the little one and facing him.

“This is a promise.”

Yet again they gave each other their little promise gesture. And then Jungkook was gone. Vanished, you could say without even leaving a trace. He did not forget a single thing. All his toys and plushies he loved, he kept. That was a bummer. Jimin hoped to have something from him to always keep him in his memories.

The first few years, Jimin welcomed home some letters. Or messages on his phone. After some time, however, even those stopped.

~ a few years later ~

“Jimin, you owe me more than one soju bottle for doing this…?”

Yoongi massaged his own lower back, after carrying a few boxes up to Jimin’s new place. He was not born to help him out, along with it, he also wasn’t born to carry heavy boxes like that. Why did Jimin even ask Yoongi from all the people he knows to help him out? He isn’t helpful in any way. 

“Dude you brought up 2 boxes. You shouldn’t even get half of a soju bottle.” the younger one replied while lying down on the cold wooden plank. He was exhausted and didn’t even know why he was still going to college. He fucked up his first semester because he chose to listen to his parents and studied hotel management. Hotel management? From all the subjects the world has to offer, he chose fucking hotel management? Thankfully, he found his better half in the same classes and funny thing is he also seemed out of place.

His parents were not so happy to hear that. But in the end they accepted his choice and let him study whatever he wants. As long as he still went to college they didn’t care anymore.

In a way he was happy, but he was also fucking tired and disappointed in himself. Why did he even listen to his parent’s advice in the first place?

“I’m your sunbae, and the most important thing is that I’m your hyung. So, don’t be such a disrespectful piece of trash and be thankful that I was there to help you out.”

Yoongi scoffed back while he poked Jimin’s chest with his pale finger.

The younger one rolled his eyes and made some space for Yoongi to lay next to him on the floor. Even though there was a cheap sofa just a few meters away from them, on this hot summer day the best and also free thing was to just lay down on the floor. Jimin wasn’t rich in any way, so therefore he couldn’t afford an AC.

“Taehyung was too busy with his girlfriend. Hoseok hyung was too busy with his college work and the others were out partying.”

Yoongi shrugged his shoulders and took a sip from his lukewarm beer that Jimin bought him on their way to get here. He wasn’t necessarily into partying, especially not when it was that hot outside. Jimin was also the only one he was cool with, hanging out with him didn’t get on his nerves. That was a plus. And as long as he got his soju, he gives zero fucks.

“I’m the best hyung you have. Just sayin’.” He stood up pretty quickly from the cold wooden floor and offered his hand to the now blonde-haired boy. “Soju time.” Yoongi stick out his tongue and squeezed his eyes. Jimin couldn’t prevent himself from laughing. This hyung got some fairly good aegyo talent if alcohol was in play.

*

“Cheers!”

It was pretty late now. Jimin was starting to get tired and was unsure if he could pay for all the soju bottles they were destroying. “Hyung, how about you slow down a bit? I don’t think I can pay up for all of this.” Jimin was starting to count the tteokbokki and the soju bottles that they already devoured. 1, 2, 3, 4… no. It was impossible. He already was broke. He was happy that he could pay for even one bottle.

“Don’t worry too much. I knew you would say that. I asked for one bottle so just pay up for one if you want to.”

Jimin looked at him suspiciously, uncertain in what he was up to. Soon after he just gave up and stopped assuming that his older friend expected something from him in return. He was too drunk in the first place, thinking shouldn’t be an option.

“Come on, let’s get home. You look so drunk.”

“Am. Not?”

Jimin has always gotten pretty sassy and showed his big temper when he was drunk. It made Yoongi laugh, so he just played along.

“Okay, little one. Let’s go. Tomorrow is Uni-Day.”

Jimin tried. Standing up was hard, he felt like his eyes were coated with tiny little clouds. And his head was starting to ache really bad. “Hyung, please. Help me…” He pouted while searching for his hyung with his hands.

Little did Jimin know, Yoongi was actually paying for the food and the alcohol, snickering as he glanced at the helpless little blonde boy. It was always a different kind of entertainment to watch Jimin being drunk. And he adored that.

“Come on!”

Yoongi dragged Jimin out of the bar and linked his arms with his. Just to be careful. He could never be sure if he’s up to something. Drunk people are like kids. You can’t read their thoughts, and suddenly they’re crying because they’re doing something stupid.

“Hmm, which Bus should we take..?”

While Yoongi was looking through his phone, Jimin started observing his surroundings. It was pretty dark and refreshing to stand outside after drinking so much, with the weather tingling him. And he realised how happy he was that he didn’t barf tonight. It was an improvement for him.

The night still was young, one could never know.

While Jimin looked at all the posters glued on the windows and doors of the neighbour’s bars and restaurants, there was a specific one whom caught his attention.The boy on the poster looked so familiar…

Oh no. The boy on the poster… Is none other than…

That was damn Jeon Jungkook!

Jimin felt the puke climbing its way up to his throat, and he was so not welcoming it.

“Hyung… I think.. I need to..”

There we go.

“FUCK.”

*

After last night’s encounter with poster Jungkook, Jimin had such a bad mood that nothing on this planet could have cheered him up. And that fucking sucked.

His friends tried their best, but as they realised that even Mr. Kim’s class was not cheering him up a bit, they became worried.

“Jimin, you want some boba? I could buy some boba!”

Hoseok was really good at cheering up. He was such a funny spirit and always used his best words. But not even Hoseokie hyung’s jokes and cuddles or boba could cheer him up. If the older one could mix some magical powder in his boba, so he would forget all the heart-breaking memories he had with Jungkook… Then he would sure as hell take it.

“No, I gotta head to work. I’ll just drink coffee there.”

He grabbed his bag and trotted his way to the cafe where he worked part-time. Why was he even miserable in the first place? Jungkook was just a little boy back then –12 years old to be exact– thinking he was in love with him. That was it. How could a child know what real love was? Besides, why should Jimin care in the first place, when he already knew it was just a kindergarten love?

His headache was still not gone, and he was sure it did not entirely just come from alcohol…

“Hello, Noona.”

Jimin bowed towards his boss and grabbed his apron. Working in the cafe wasn’t even bad. He loved it to a certain amount. It was relaxing and soothing to create drinks and serve cakes and macarons. But he doubted that work today will help him overcome his past love.

“What’s wrong? Did you fail a test or something?”

Yoona washed her hands and prepared everything for Jimin to take over. She was two years older than him, and he was thankful for that. Jimin had no clue how to interact with people that were either way older than him or way younger than him.

“Nah, it’s just my brain.” He raised his index finger, pointed at his brain and took a deep sigh. “Overthinking.”

His older friend smiled lightly and tapped on his shoulder. “I don’t know what the problem is. But you will eventually overcome it. I promise.”

He nods, starting to cut some fruits to prepare some boba tea. It helped him to ignore Jungkook who was desperately trying to contact him in his head. Repeatedly knocking on his brain and crying out his name like a mantra: “Jiminie hyung!”

If that wasn’t bad enough.. Yoona forgot to tell him that there was a fancafe event today.

For Jungkook himself.

Jimin felt how his heart started to burst. Why was he so dependent on him? He didn’t see him for years and now suddenly after so many years he was following him around?

“Uhm, sir?”

A young girl, who was definitely still a high schooler, stood in front of the cash register and looked him straight in the eyes.

“We got permission from the Lady who was working here before. Just.. to be clear.”

He nodded, tried to smile, and gave her the permission again. Complimenting how beautiful the cafe looked and that they were doing a good job.

What should he even do? Be mad at the girl for being a fan? No. It wasn’t her fault.

“If you need help or anything. Say so.” He quickly continued and made his way to his best friend Taehyung, who was already sitting at his table.

“The usual?”

Tae nodded while glancing around at the cafe now full of Jungkook’s face. The tables were plastered with cups and cupcakes with Jungkook’s pictures, his name and birthdate. Of course, it was Jungkook’s birthday today. He completely forgot…

“Can I get my latte with this cup?” Taehyung tried to imitate Jungkook’s expression on the cup and gave the expression a little silly twist. Thankfully, the girls were busy putting posters on the wall, that they didn’t acknowledge him at all. The last thing he wanted, was a mob full of teenage girls getting at his nerves for disrespecting their “oppa”.

“Don’t ruin the fun for the fans. If that’s the way they want to show their love, they should.”

Taehyung looked up to him, confused. Since when was Jimin so nonchalant about events like that? He was literally the first one to complain about these girls or even boys who came to decorate the cafe with the handsome faces of the idols. The blonde-haired boy even went that far to call them “the slaves of the rich”.

“Anyway..” He stood up and followed Jimin to his working area. Taehyung would always order the same thing. A latte, a turkey sandwich, and a piece of the famous walnut cake. Jimin sometimes wondered if he wasn’t bored with picking the same order over and over again. But what did he care? As long as he was near him and could watch over him being an emotional mess and maybe even interfere if he were doing too much nonsense, he didn’t care at all.

“Did you see these girls? They are putting the posters up there like their lives are depending on it, it’s just a goddamn birthday of some self-centred sexy looking boy.”

Taehyung took a big sip of his latte and gave a disgusted expression.

Oh boy if you knew..

“Ah, by the way, I actually got to know the ‘self-centred-sexy looking boy’.

His best friend choked on the latte and stared at him, completely bewildered, and gave him a look. “No way..?!” Jimin shrugged his shoulders and put his food on the glass table in front of him. “Not a big deal, we were good friends back in Busan.” He casually responded as if it were the most normal thing that could happen to someone.

“And when did you think it was appropriate to tell me ?” Taehyung took a bite of his sandwich and skilfully avoided any eye contact with the smaller one. Jimin did not even need to look at him to know that he was probably pouting while eating to give him a guilty conscience.

Why should he feel guilty though? Everything happened way back in the past. Sometimes it’s better to let the past go. And the same rule was also directed to Kookie.

“You have something to say to me?” Jimin responded after a while. Shouldn’t it be Jimin’s choice to choose when to talk about specific things? Why is everyone always coming at him when he hid something from them? Doesn’t he have the right for privacy?

“Nah nothing. I was just wondering how you’ve gotten to know him. He’s pretty popular nowadays.”

“We were childhood friends.”

Taehyung raised his eyebrows and his eyes widened. He didn’t expect that Jimin was friends with the upcoming next ‘Taeyang’. Funny how one always discovers something new about their best friends.

“And you’re still in contact?” Taehyung suddenly started to welcome the idea of his best friend knowing a famous idol, that could open so many doors for them. Dreamily, he put a fork full of cake in his mouth. Just thinking that people would try to be friends with them and act like they are celebrities themselves made him cheerful. According to Taehyung, they weren’t exactly losers or anything, but they weren’t associated with the cool kids either. Jungkook could open so many doors for him.. and Jimin of course!

“Nah. He stopped writing me back.”

It was actually Jimin that stopped. But the questions on “why” and “how” would be too annoying for him, so he realised lying wouldn’t be that bad.

“Aw shit that sucks.”

After Jimin’s confession, they both stopped talking for a while. Taehyung confessed that he still had some schoolwork overdue and that he would concentrate on that, and Jimin stated that he was still in preparation for today’s work. However, both were still in eyesight to each other. Here and there they shared some moments, but overall, they did their own thing.

That was refreshing to Jimin.

Maybe he was selfish for being so demanding and wanting Taehyung to be near him. And also wanting him to be silent and letting him do his work, without interruption. Yet, at moments like these, he realised how much he actually respected their friendship and also how they’re both complete opposites from each other.

Taehyung was a pretty outgoing, friendly, and charming guy. Girls loved him and were undressing him with their stares when he was walking around campus, and guys wanted to be his friend, sending him invitations to notorious parties. In addition, he was also humble and disagreed with the fact that he was in any way “popular”. He was that clueless that he would make plans on how to get into parties that were from popular seniors but hasn’t realised that he indeed was literally the most treasured and desired boy in the whole campus. The majority of seniors weren’t interested in him, however they knew him. To the point that he would receive cute messages from pretty noonas.

Okay, maybe the seniors were indeed interested in him, but they had a big ego, and wouldn’t give him invitations, nevertheless.

A typical case of not knowing what is in front of your nose but wanting something that you’ll never get.

Jimin however… He was a hopeless loser.

Girls didn’t give a single shit about him, guys were ignoring him and would only greet him when Taehyung or his senior friends were next to him. He wasn’t interesting and he realised that fact one too many times. The only thing he was good for was when his colleagues wanted to get close to his friends through him. And that was nice for both sides. Jimin’s friends knew whom to ignore from now on, and the girls and guys who were trying had the hope to get closer to them.

What a shitshow.

The only great thing about college nowadays was that he actually had some real friends he could count on.

Thinking about the way his friends knew little of Jungkook made him feel glum. They pretty much knew a great deal about him, he told them everything. His relationship with his younger brother, his parents, his assholes of friends back then. But he always let Jungkook out. Even though he played such a big part in his life once.

And still does.

Yearningly he looked back to Taehyung, who had his earplugs in and typed something in his MacBook. He wanted to tell him how much he actually missed Jungkook. How much he loved him back then, and how sorry he was that he stopped replying.

The guilt in his intestines was driving him wild.

Maybe that was the problem. He was running away from the responsibility over their relationship. Why was he even scared? He had no clue.

Why did he stop replying? He knew how shy and insecure Jungkook was back then. He even wrote to him once, that he felt like crying whenever his fellow trainee-hyungs were interrogating him about his interests. And that he would look himself up just to take a long deep breath. After all the confessions the younger one made, Jimin just stopped replying? He was disgusted. And disappointed in himself.

Perhaps that was the reason why he was so remorseful and so careful to bring him up.

This was the first time he had friends. And he didn’t want them to leave him too.

On the other side, he felt guilty. Wanting to know if what he did was really that bad, or that maybe in any way, his friends would understand and forgive him.

“Taehyung-ah?”

Jimin raised his voice slightly. Not wanting to gain attention from Jungkook’s fans. He assumed the girls were nearly done with their work. They decorated the cafe in pastel colours and all the posters were already hanging on the wall. Apparently the only thing they still were working on was the TV, trying to connect it with their phones, possibly to put on some music videos.

“Tae?”

He raised his voice one more time. Again, not getting an answer.

“Now or Never” he thought.

Taehyung was his best friend, the only same aged friend he had to be exact. Why couldn’t he just be a hundred percent honest with him?

The blonde-haired boy walked towards the little table that was plastered full of Taehyung’s books, a notebook and his MacBook. He hoped for Taehyung to understand him and maybe even help him out to forget Jungkook. After so many years the younger one would’ve forgotten about him anyway…

“Something’s wrong?” Taehyung saw Jimin’s agonized expression and it worried him. He surveyed the restaurant. No one. The guests were perhaps put off by the girls that discussed vocally about the pictures that should be taken and didn’t even dare to enter the little cafe. Due to the minority of guests, he grabbed Jimin’s wrist and made him sit next to him.

“Finally! Will you tell me what’s been bothering you for so long?" 

It sounded like he impatiently spitted these words out, but Taehyung was just worried. And maybe even a bit annoyed. Jimin wouldn’t keep things from him for so long. Most of the time he would write him a message, and Taehyung helped him out by cheering him up. Of course, there were also times where that wasn’t enough. Then, he would come pick his friend up without him realising, drag him to the closest "McDonalds” and have a late snack together. That’s just how things worked out between them. 

Now seeing that his best friend was hiding something from him, and that it was overall bothering him to the point that he was spreading this bad mood around… Was especially concerning to him. 

How could Jimin even decline Hobi hyung’s offer to boba?! 

“There is so much that I didn’t tell you. And I feel fucking guilty. Seriously…”

Jimin’s voice started to break, and he needed to fight against his tears. He was so frightened that his friend would end this friendship, when he found out that he let the 13-year-old Jungkook back then, down. Mostly, because Jimin was kind of the caretaker of their little friend group. That also applied to Taehyung’s girlfriend who also was a pretty close friend to Jimin. If they find out about Jungkook maybe they’ll stop trusting him altogether.

“Bro.. that’s okay. Tell me. You make me all scared right now.” Taehyung grabbed Jimin’s cold hand and put his own two hands on it. “Does it have something to do with that Jungkook guy?” Jimin gulped. He needed to be completely honest with him about this. About his feelings and in general, about the relationship he shared with his once younger friend. 

“Yeah, actually it does.” Jimin responded, while still staring at their hands. It helped him a lot to feel Taehyung’s hands on his own. He once noticed how much tanner he was than him. And he remembered once again how different they are from each other. Even when it came to things like outer appearance. 

So then, after recollecting his thoughts, he spilled everything out. How they both shared this deep-rooted relationship, and how both shared the mutual trust and love in each other. He revealed every single point, and how Jungkook made him feel. Even though, back then, he was younger and smaller than him. Kookie was the only one that understood him and stood by his side. 

Jimin was sharing all these intimate moments that he had with his dongsaeng, while he didn’t recognize how Taehyung was smiling widely about the way he mentioned cute little habits that Jungkook possessed and even the grimaces he once did to cheer him up. Talking about these habits eventually helped Jimin to overcome his tension about this topic. 

“I told you that he stopped replying, remember?" 

Taehyung still extremely interested and who seemingly forgot that he had schoolwork to do, nodded while rubbing his thumb on Jimin’s outer hand. 

"Well, that’s not the entire truth… I was the one who stopped replying to him." 

His friend was in point of fact a bit surprised, but he wasn’t angry or disappointed. More rather he wondered why Jimin did that to be exact. 

"It’s just so complicated. He was writing to me about his hardships and I had this weird feeling that I couldn’t help him out. I also missed him so much and every time I would start a new letter my hands always mindlessly wrote the words "just come back home Jungkook-ah, hyung misses you”. Even though it was selfish of me. Then I–”

He finally gained the courage to look his friends in the eye. “I just stopped replying whatsoever.“ 

Now, it was over. He said everything completely honest and every single word that was spoken came out of his heart. The desperate wish that Taehyung would understand was still booming in his head.  

"Jimin-ah… That’s okay." 

Was everything that came out from his better half. And even that seemed enough for a second. 

*

It was now time to head home. Taehyung insisted on bringing him and on the way they could order some food. The black-haired boy knew that Jimin wouldn’t eat anything if something was bothering him, and he always remembered how his mom constantly told him that eating some delicious food was always a good way to forget about all the small melancholic things in life. Even if it was just a few hours.

"Let’s order some chicken with some beer. That’s perfect for this ugly weather." 

Even though it was blazing hot yesterday, today it was heavily raining. Without Taehyung’s umbrella they sure as hell would have a problem. 

After their conversation, Taehyung wanted to actually strangle Jimin for even thinking he would end this friendship just because of some idol boy. He made some jokes to cheer him up, and told him numerous times that it was alright. There was a solid reason why he didn’t write back, and if there was ever going to be a moment where Jungkook and Jimin eventually meet, from the way Jimin was describing him, Jungkook would understand.

"I just want to let this go, you know. But I don’t know if screaming out of my lungs or breaking stuff will help me.” Jimin stated sadly, while nibbling on his fried chicken. He actually was hungry, but eating was exhausting to him. 

All he had in his mind was Jungkook.

In one picture, little Jungkook who was crying and repeatedly asking why he abandoned him, and in a different picture there was Jungkook, all grown up, ignoring him on purpose and burning all the letters that he ever sent to him. 

“This might be a super stupid idea… But how about you write him a letter, telling him in all details what happened ? Like, why you stopped writing back and stuff." 

In all honesty, that sounded like a good idea to the blond. He can imagine how just writing down the words "I’m sorry” will clear up his guilty conscience. There was also no possible way that Jungkook would read it, either way. He was such a popular idol nowadays, he definitely received tons of letters every day. 

“No, I actually think that may help me…" 

Taehyung gifted his best friend a boxy smile while he put some fried chicken on his own plate. He always had a strong appetite. Looking at his friend eat so happily made Jimin full in a second. 

"When you finish writing, send me your letter if you want.”

Jimin looked at him like a scared puppy. How could he possibly show him this side of himself? All sensitive and vulnerable? 

He would rather stab himself. 

“No, that’s fine. I’ll just write what comes to mind and send it." 

Taehyung gave him a thumbs up with a pout. A cute habit he had while eating. Jimin smiled brightly and gave him one of his fried chicken that was sitting on his plate for some time. Eating wouldn’t calm down his stomach, which was now full of little butterflies. 

*

03:00 am.

Jimin was laying on the wooden floor. Slightly banging his head repeatedly against the tile, hoping something good will pop up in his brain.

As soon as Taehyung left, Jimin mindlessly, started to walk around his little apartment. Wishing with every step, for something good to pop out of his head, maybe some artistic poetic words? A simple sorry wouldn’t be enough, that’s all he knew.

Just like that, time passed. 

Jimin didn’t know what to say. He was too inflicted with himself and thought that no matter what he wrote, he could never be forgiven. Right there at this moment he wondered what Jungkook did right now. It was definitely ridiculously hard to be an idol, especially nowadays where K-Pop started to go viral around the globe. 

When he was younger, he always imagined while writing letters to his younger friend, what Jungkook was doing right at that moment. Back then it felt like the letter was even more sincere. 

So, what did he think Jungkook was doing right now?

He imagined him playing around with his guitar or game till sunrise. Jungkook was always a night owl, staying up pretty late and coping with the fact that he rarely slept. Even though he would feel how his eyelids start to fall on their own, he would still stubbornly, force himself to stay awake. That was something they both had in common. 

The older one remembered the times where he would sit in front of his house trying desperately to finish off his homework, while the younger one would walk up to him all ninja style and annoy him with questions. All of it happening at midnight of course. 

The desperate wish of Jimin was that Jungkook was still like, well.. Jungkook. 

Humble, adorable, funny, dorky.

As he thought of his past love, he immediately grabbed his pen and wrote down a sincere letter. Being honest with him, telling him how his life went these couple of years,  finishing off with a confession, that the younger once always wanted to hear him say:

"I once wholeheartedly loved you, and I still do." 

*

"Aw damn.." 

Hoseok stared at him like the emoji with the big eyes, that was perfectly matching to him. Jimin finally had the guts to confess to his other friends what actually really happened, and surprisingly they were all super nice about it. 

Deep down, he knew they would understand. However, it still made him happy to see that they were so invested in his little complicated love story. 

"You could literally make a whole movie about this…?” Jin stated while looking afar and making a weird gesture, implying a camera. “It would be like "The Notebook” just reversed.“ 

"I don’t really want to see this in movie theatres though, that would just be weird." 

Namjoon always acted a bit awkward when it came to romantic stories or even love stories in general. He would always listen to their stories about their hook-ups or their genuine crushes, but he never gave a weird noise off himself, like a high-pitched “aww” or something, that he thought something was cut. Just simply listened, maybe gave some advice, and then he would go on correcting Jin on his bullshit. 

Classic Namjoon’s.

"I don’t even think he will write back or something… I wrote him, yeah that’s true.. But I don’t expect a reply." 

All his friends at the table stared him down. Ready to kick his small little ass. 

"Jimin you stupid fucking moron.” He glared at the pale boy who was finally eager to state his own opinion on this. 

Min Yoongi in his whole presence. 

Just a few minutes ago, he was all uninterested, poking in his salad and asking random people for advice on a history exam he had in a few hours. Likewise, Jimin also tried not to give two shits about his advice whatsoever. So why did he suddenly catch interest in it? 

“If you really think he wouldn’t reply, then that makes you again the weaker person." 

Trying not to look too engrossed, he gave his leftover fries to Taehyung’s girlfriend, Jess, who happily devoured them. He was absolutely good at avoiding eye contact, his hyung could try everything to lock eyes with him but he would never let him. 

"You described him as the nice, funny and understanding guy. Do you really think he didn’t wait every day for you to write him back?" 

Fuck, he had a point there. Rather than giving in, Jimin rolled his eyes and continued to stroke his untouched burger with his index finger. "I don’t know. There might be a chance that he changed." 

Yoongi’s little scoff was loud enough to witness and in the corner of his eye he could see him resting his hand on his forehead. His face screaming: absolutely irritated. 

"How would you know? You might haven’t even changed at all? What kind of hypocrisy is it in making yourself believe that he changed just because he got his share of fame? Have a little trust in him, would you?" 

Now Jimin started to get a bit frustrated. What did he even expect from him in the first place? That he would wait all day till the mail arrives and then cry his eyes out after realising Jungkook didn’t write back? He was not even expecting that, so why should he drive himself into doing it? 

"Hyung how about you mind your own business, huh?" 

Yoongi rolled his eyes, grabbed his notes and backpack while staring at him in disbelief before leaving.

The atmosphere now was absolutely awkward.

"I know you don’t wanna hear this… But Mister Min has a point there.”

Hoseok broke the silence. Thankfully, all the others sighed in relief and nodded their heads.

“Have a bit of trust in him. I’m not saying that you should wait for him every day to write you back or something. But just…”

His lips closed, teeth clenched, and his eyes twitched due to him urging them to close. Waiting for his brain to come up with a good word.

“Patience!”

He screamed, pointing at the confused Jimin who was now sliding back into his seat. Extremely embarrassed.

“Sorry.” He chortled. “Was I too loud?”

Tae brushed it off by making a gesture to make him continue his started speech.

“Anyways… You need to stay patient. Find a balance. Don’t be too disappointed every day, but also don’t give up on him. Give him his time.”

Everyone who was seated, slowly started to get up either going to classes or getting back to the dorms. Except for Jimin and Taehyung.

Jimin’s best friend was just staring at him. Hoping to see some kind of change of heart. He wanted the best for him, after all Jimin was always there for him too.

“And?”

Taehyung broke off the silence once again, while coughing the word out.

The blonde-haired boy peeled off the etiquette on his “Gatorade” bottle, and just nodded. What else should he even do at this point. 

He knew that they were actually saying the right thing. Even Yoongi hyung. Nevertheless, it was hard to stay calm about it. Jungkook was always someone he wanted to be close with, but he never had the guts to do something about it. Not to mention, playing it off, telling himself that it was just a kindergarten crush. When in reality it wasn’t.

“Stay strong dude. See you later?”

Giving him just one last little pat on the shoulder, he left.

Letting Jimin drown alone in his thoughts.

*

And like that the days went by. Pretty quickly, even Jimin needed to admit to that. 

College, work, hanging out with friends. All of that. Everyday.

Jungkook creeping up in his thoughts here and there, but never to such an extent as he expected. When he ate something, whereas he knew that Jungkook once loved too, he would think of him for a brief moment. And that was all. Smiling for a bit and then erasing him from his thoughts for the rest of the day. After days full of insomnia and lack of appetite… Finally, he felt like he could let go. 

It turned out that it was easier for him to let Kook go, even though he was sure that there was simply no chance that he would have read the letter the older wrote for him. 

Still… something about just writing his thoughts on a sheet of paper made him feel absolutely relieved. 

It felt like he sent these feelings and honest thoughts to Jungkook. Just in a weird and telepathic way. 

“Do you have the notes from that one lecture… uhm.. where we talked about 'The Catcher in the Rye’?”

As always Taehyung was grabbing Jimin back into reality. 

“Huh?" 

Jimin took his airpods out of his ears. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, confused as to what he wanted from him. 

They always studied together, especially when it came to the exams from Mr. Kim. Even though he was extremely awesome and an outstanding professor, he also expected thrice as much. 

Taehyung grabbed his notes, that were uhm… not really there? 

Jimin chuckled, going through his hair while searching for that one specific lecture where Kim was discussing Holden Caulfield’s character and if anyone felt the same as him in a specific time in their life. The blonde remembered that he was discussing with him a lot about that issue yet being careful about touching any parts that matched Holden’s character to his. 

He loved analysing the characters, and deep down he also loved to take a harsh comparison to them with himself. 

Holden was such a free nature, he never listened or cared about his environment and what they thought was the right thing for him. He just did what he needed to do, maybe even exaggerating a bit, in the process of finding himself. 

Jimin was actually the counterpart of him. He always cared and wanted to be accepted by his friends and family. Mentally, however he also felt like Holden. Trapped in a society where you needed to fulfil someone else’s dream, or someone else’s path. But what if one’s path was different? What if he doesn’t want to go to school, be an ace student and marry some women and create his own family? What if he just wants to do his own thing? Concentrating on just being happy? 

"Here we go.” He handed his friend a perfect 5-piece sheet of notes of all the analysing points Kim addressed. Just as Taehyung was grabbing the notes, his eyes started to glitter full of relief. 

“What would I ever do without you Jimin-ah!” Jimin winked at him, while offering him some honey butter chips. “You would terribly suffer.” He replied while trying to imitate a darker voice.  

Like that, they continued their work, helping each other out if there were some specific questions, reading out the passages of J. D. Salinger’s novel, and repeating all the points Kim addressed. 

“Ah shit.” Taehyung looked at his phone, quickly packing up his things and closing his MacBook. 

Jimin smiled, he forgot the time once again and realised he needed to go to some date with Jess. 

Typical Taehyung. 

“Hurry up or I’ll snitch on Jess the next time and make you bad!” Jimin replied quite happily, while smacking his friend’s ass with his book. 

“Dude don’t. That woman will stare at me with her medusa eyes!” He continued while grabbing things with a rushing panic, throwing it into his bag. 

Of course, it was all jokes and fun, and Jess would always forgive him no matter what. Due to Taehyung being extremely loveable of course. They had the best relationship, Jimin could think of. Both were the most amazing human beings, and their relationship was so healthy. He wished that one day, he would meet that one person too. And fell head over heels for someone. Hopefully once again. In the near future. 

“Ah Jiminie…" 

Jimin, who was still laying on his bed, looked over to the door frame where Taehyung was standing and still in the process of wearing his shoes. 

"I’m so happy that you are doing better." 

Jimin just smiled lightly as a reply, waving with his hand, indicating that he should leave already. A quick "love you, bye!” and then he was gone. 

The blonde went back into laying on his stomach, grabbing the novel. It looked horrible, completely read out and crinkled. Showing how much, he actually loved it. 

Just like that, the late afternoon turned into an early night. 

Taehyung came along with him after a lecture they visited together. They both ordered food, as always, and then started to switch their notes. Of course, Jimin was more thorough when it came to writing notes, but it didn’t bother him at all to help his friend out. Tae was amazingly good at analysing. Thoughts that he never imagined would come up in Tae’s brain in an instant. 

Such an intelligent but absolutely lazy boy. 

Now it was already past 8pm. The thought of needing to eat was alarming in the back of his head. But he was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. 

After a quick search, he found a single pack of Ramen. He quickly put the pot on the stove and waited till the water heated up. 

Suddenly, he heard someone knocking on his door. 

His doorbell stopped working for some reason, so therefore his friends would just message him that they were there. Taehyung was the only one who would knock, but first, he was already gone and secondly, he had a weird knocking style.

He would abuse his door as a percussion to be exact.

“Who is it?” He anxiously raised his voice a little. But still no reaction. 

“Whoever that may be. Can you just tell me who you are?" 

Still no reaction. After a while, the person started to knock again. 

Jimin was prepared for moments like these. He quickly grabbed a pretty unsharp butter knife and put his ear on the cheap door. He could swear he heard someone snickering. His heartbeat was increasing rapidly. 

One hand was wandering from the door to the knob, while the other held tightly the grip on the knife. 

Slowly he opened the door, his heart stopping momentarily, after seeing someone who seemed to be dressed completely in black. 

Thank god, the person had some great taste though that’s for sure.

First he saw the shoes, just some plain black converse chucks, then his eyes wandered up to the person’s pants. Also black, with some chains dangling around the area where the pockets were. Once he found his way to the person’s torso, the man was grabbing him by his arms. 

The smaller one from both of them, who seemingly was Jimin, started to shut down his eyes. Completely terrified. 

"Hyung? Can you just stop the games and look me straight in the eye?” The taller man broke the silent awkward atmosphere. 

For some reason, the voice sounded so familiar but at the same time completely foreign. 

Jimin opened his eyes slowly, looking up to the man, still squinting. 

“It’s me. Jungkookie." 

*

Silence. 

Awkwardness…

Now sitting in front of each other, Jimin felt completely bamboozled. 

Was this some reality show? 

"Your tea is getting cold… there..” Jimin raised his index finger and aimed for the little teacup. 

“Ah yeah. That’s fine. I’m not really here to drink tea to be honest." 

The younger one, took a sip from his tea while staring, confidently, at the older one. 

Jimin quickly looked away, feeling how his heart started to go crazy in his chest. 

"Hyung, how have you been?” Jungkook came closer to him, dragging the chair as close as possible to the table, staring at the nervous hands of the older one. 

“Nothing much. Just college stuff." 

Biting on his under lip, he realised how happy he felt but at the same time his guilt started to come back and nagged on his intestines. 

"Oh hyung.” Jungkook rolled his eyes while grabbing Jimin’s tiny hands. It was an unexpected gesture. Kook’s hands however, were so warm. Jimin’s hands in comparison were freezing cold. Jimin realised that he appeased himself more.

“I’m sorry, Kookie…" 

Here he was. Sitting in front of him. Holding his hands, as if he was the one that fucked up. Even though it needed to be the other way around. 

"I fucked up.”

He couldn’t handle the emotions that were starting to tear him apart. The complete opposite sides of emotions were clashing with each other, overwhelming him. Happiness on one hand, since Jungkook finally found his way back to him, but sadness because he felt like he did not deserve it. Relief, as it seemed like Jungkook came back to accept his letter, but on the other hand also guilt. Since it was not fair of him to believe that he would gladly do that. 

“Hyung…” Jungkook’s grip on Jimin’s hands was tighter now and while he looked at him, smiling softly, seeing the tears flowing down on the pale skin of the older one, he couldn’t overcome his heart bursting. Seeing him like this was not his aim. Not at all. 

Jungkook closed his eyes, pulling Jimin’s hands closer to him. Dragging him softly to him, so that Jimin had no choice but to slightly get dragged up on the table. 

Softly, he kissed Jimin’s hands. Making Jimin just sob even louder than he was before. 

“No, you didn’t.” Jungkook’s voice broke. 

Jimin looked at him. Frightened that he made him cry as well.

The black-haired boy was still covering his face with Jimin’s hands. It felt so natural, and there was no sign of weirdness in the air. Something about this touch felt too familiar. 

And then he realised…

When they were younger, Jimin would always grab Kookie’s hands and lay them on his cheeks. It was something he always did when Kookie would run behind him before school. And quickly, Kookie would turn silent. Acting shy. 

What both never really knew was, that both of their hearts were beating strongly. Together. 

“I’m so sorry too." 

Finally looking up from the older’s hands. "I missed you a lot." 

Jimin smiled. Standing up, while still having Jungkook’s hands intertwined with his. Jungkook followed his action, also standing up. The height difference made him chuckle even more. And quickly like that the tears were forgotten. 

"I missed you so much.” Jimin replied, while falling onto the younger’s chest. 

So many years, both of them were silently loving each other. Trying to forget, trying to erase all the memories. But it was impossible. And now both of them were here, standing in Jimin’s crappy apartment holding each other in their arms and forgetting the hurtful years that they lived without each other. 

“But wait a second!” Jungkook broke away from the hug, quickly wiping his tears, and then grabbing Jimin’s hand once again. 

“Hmm let’s take a look…" 

"Aw come on. Really? Still, to this day?" 

Jimin just chuckled, while Jungkook was testing out if his pinkie was finally taller than Jimin’s. And of course, it was. There was no need to even look. Jungkook’s hands were enormous in comparison to Jimin’s tiny hands. 

"You know what that means?" 

The blonde just laughed and quickly hit the younger one’s chest rapidly. 

"First we need to have some dates. Don’t you think?" 

Jungkook rolled his eyes, while dragging the younger one back into his arms. "So many problems along the way. Horrible!” He joked, while grabbing Jimin’s head softly, dragging him onto his chest.

The older one took the chance to take in the beautiful smell of Jungkook. It was hard to describe, something sweet but in the same way not extremely intrusive. Rather delicate, soft. He could swear somewhere while smelling it, he could sense… lavender? And in an absolute weird way… He swore that he also smelt the only perfume his mom would wear back then. 

While his head was still dug into Jungkook’s chest, he felt how his eyes formed tears once again. He felt like he smelt all the mesmerizing things again that was once everyday life. Jungkook smelt like Busan, like his dog “Doraemon” and like all the cherry popsicles they both blissfully devoured. 

He smelt like home. 

Jimin realised how much he missed his hometown. He had the urge to go back and just relive everything with Kookie. 

All these thoughts rushed into his mind, and it made him feel hopeful for the future. 

He looked up to the black haired boy who was still snickering cutely, and Jimin had the urge to poke his cheeks. He was so adorable, the way he smiled, had the same impact on him like a single shot of soju. It loosened his nerves and he felt like he wasn’t as tense anymore. 

He had a feeling that he could fight every problem that would come to tackle him, eye to eye. 

“Do you want to stay overnight?" 

Jimin silently asked. Wishing he would accept his offer. 

Jungkook hugged him even tighter, as if Jimin would run away from him, if he said no. "I wish I could say yes… But I can’t. Not today." 

Jimin nodded, while poking his nose against the younger’s hard chest. "I cannot wait till you can." 

*

The light of the sun was shining through the thin curtain. Sun rays tickling the blonde’s face, waking him up softly. 

Jimin was confused. It was already morning? He would normally wake up in between his restless sleep, sometimes he would even lay in bed and stop wishing for sleep. Just accepting that he won’t sleep. 

His dear old friend insomnia. 

However, yesterday was different. He fell asleep right there, as if somebody were using a remote controlling him. Pushing the "off” button. 

It felt like weeks where Jimin was last sleeping peacefully. It was a relieving feeling. No headache was awaiting him, or the urge to chug down  5 cups of coffee to get through the day. 

Of course his problems were still awaiting him nonetheless. Yet the anxiety… was on a way lower level. He felt like he could easily confront his frustration as well as his insecurities. 

He was hopeful. 

And just as that, he realised how much time he actually had left. Enough to take a longer shower, and even enough to eat a little breakfast. 

Normally “breakfast” wasn’t included in his life. Time was always running, and he rarely had time to dress up. 

Today was an exception whatsoever.

While making him a little breakfast that included coffee, eggs some tomatoes and bread his phone vibrated quite aggressively on the kitchen counter. 

Quickly, he grabbed his phone, at the same time also trying to manage his eggs who were really close to burning. 

“Jimin-ssi, did you sleep well? I want to see you. Let’s meet up shouldn’t we? I will be there next to you sooner or later. Wait for me. I want to surprise you.”

P.S: Also here is a little something for you :3" 

Jungkook always drew little sketches back then in Busan, and would deliver it to Jimin in all different ways. It was a cute habit, and Jimin was sure he still had the sketches somewhere in a box. 

The sketch that Kook drew this time, involved someone who seemed to smile shyly. His cheeks were all smudgy, probably on purpose to give it a cute look. The eyes of that person were covered by someone else’s hands. Who that person was, is not known. You couldn’t really see the body of that person, just the hands that were caressing the smiling person’s eyes. 

The person was no one other than Jimin himself. 

He was awed by how good Jungkook’s sketch looked. It was drawn quickly, but he seemed to work on the details after the first outline. Like the smudged grey pencil stains on the cheek, or the shadows that he must’ve drawn quickly afterwards. 

It made him feel cherished. 

Jungkook took the time out of his own busy life to draw this little painting of them, and it made him fall even more in love with him.

* “Damn, Jimin is everything alright?” Jin went through Jimin’s blonde hair, then caressing his forehead checking as if he had high temperature. In return he rolled his eyes trying to push Jin’s hands away. “He seems so cheerful and motivated today? He even contributed to Ms. Hwang’s class… Puhhh..!” Jess dropped her backpack on the table and continued to rub her temples. Ms. Hwang was an old grumpy lady who wasn’t born to teach at all. There was no respect to her students whatsoever and anything that she liked, was mostly the same opinion she had, or people who just kissed her ass for the sweet extra credit. A horrible prof, how it should be presented in the dictionary. “I don’t know. It’s just nice. I feel like things are getting better for me… I don’t know..?” One by one, everyone started to take a seat. As if they telepathically saw Jimin with good mood, and couldn’t believe it. “So how is Jungkook?” Yoongi asked, quite interested. That was completely shocking to anyone who sat at the table, they looked at him as if they were worried. “You really care?” Jimin asked, once again avoiding eye contact. “Yup. I wouldn’t ask, if I didn’t care.” He grabbed an apple and bit into it, directly looking at the younger boy. “He is absolutely amazing." 

* After spending some quality time with his friends, he was preparing himself to go back to work. Normally Taehyung would join him, just keeping an eye on him and spending some alone time with his friend. Today however, Jimin told him that it was fine. That he did not need to come along with him. Jimin always felt bad for needing Taehyung in such an excessive manner. His best friend had a girlfriend and he should spend some quality time with her too. They both were heavily interested in art, therefore Jimin gave them two tickets for a well-known atelier opening that one of his classmates gifted him. Jimin helped that particular classmate out with a literature exam once, so he wanted to thank him in return with them. They both deserved it. They were always there for him, now it was time for Jimin to give back. As soon as he started his work, he became even more relaxed than he already was. He wished that this feeling… Being hopeful about the future… would eventually stay. Jungkook was also a big part of it, it felt like he showed him all the good parts of life, and he welcomed that. One by one all the known customers were starting to give their order. Normally, there wouldn’t be that many new customers, the cafe was near college and it was mostly either college kids who want to work peacefully or the elderly who want to kill time. All in all, pretty peaceful. Today, however, there was someone wanting to take an order that Jimin never met before. He tried to remember but there was no way that he knew that person. That specific person was wearing glasses and a bucket hat, wearing completely black. After working on that order and putting it onto the glass counter in front of that unknown person, he heard a familiar giggle. Jeon Jungkook. Of course. "Oh my god. What are you doing here? Isn’t that a bit too risky?!” Jimin whispered while nervously taking the money from Kook. “That’s all fine. People rarely look at me, when I come with this attire.” He responded while showing off his clothes. Jimin couldn’t contain a snicker. 

What a stupid idiot he was…

“Is that what you meant with 'surprise’?" 

"No, my surprise is actually a picnic in Han river. I wanted to see you. That’s all.” The blonde couldn’t stop himself from putting his hand on his chest. His heart pounded loudly, and this time it didn’t come from panicking. “When?" 

"Whenever. I don’t have any schedules today and tomorrow. I just had a comeback a few weeks ago. It was simple, so the promotions aren’t that long. My company is also pretty nice and let me take some days off.” Jungkook took his food, without even looking back and waiting for an answer, he quickly sat down on the next best table. Of course it was a table that was right next to Jimin.  The blonde rolled his eyes, yet wholeheartedly accepting the risk that they both put themselves into. He trusted Jungkook, and he felt happy to be next to him. 

*

Looking at the old clock right next to his working space, he realised that his shift was ending sooner than he expected. “Ready to go to the picnic?” He asked Kook who was still managing to look like he was reading. “Finished already?” He quickly put down his book, his grimace looking like he was so disappointed that he needed to stop reading. “Do you know that you are an idiot?” Jimin responded with a slightly rougher tone. Jungkook smiled while taking off his sunglasses, even though he still wore a mask, Jimin could see the skin next to his eyes wrinkling. Without a proper response, he gently grabbed Jimin’s hands and put back his sunglasses on. And like that both left the establishment, making the customers question themselves who that good-looking man was, who has Jimin wrapped around his little finger. * “Ughh, I’m so full…” Jimin stroked his stomach, while looking at the leftover food. It was nearing the end of the day, and he realised how today felt like a quick catch of breath. The whole time, they were spending together, seemed to be packed in indulging their childhood and missing the time where they couldn’t be one. “Really? Already? You were always a bad eater..!” Jungkook responded while quickly grabbing the leftover spring rolls and tteokbokki. “It’s so good to dib it into the sauce, ahh you’re missing out.” “I really did.” Jimin said to himself while looking at the hungry Jungkook devouring the last bit of food. He closed his eyes and felt how fresh the wind was feeling on his skin. The night was still young, but he already felt how tired he actually was. This day was an improvement to the last couple of weeks. But he knew that he needed to improve more; to be the person he always yearned to be. For some it might feel far-fetched to say that Jungkook was the reason why Jimin felt better. And maybe it even was. Nevertheless, wasn’t it normal when specific people in your life made you feel better about yourself? Wasn’t it the case in a healthy relationship ? “Thank you, Jungkookie.” The black-haired boy was looking up from his food, midst slurping his noodles. Tilting his head like a confused puppy. Jimin caressed the crumbles on the corner of his lips away, and locked eyes with his lover. Jungkook quickly finished his noodles, before coming closer to the blonde. Jimin took this as a chance to grab Kook’s chin to face him again. And there it was. The soft shy smile the younger, once gifted him. Right there at that moment, Jimin knew what he wanted. “I love you.” It was as simple as that. Jimin pecked Jungkook’s lips softly, tasting like all the sweet promises they gave each other. “I thought you would never say that.” Jungkook replied while kissing him right back. A bit rougher, but still soft enough. Without them even realising it, the sun went down, both of them finally admitting their deep-rooted history. Waiting for such a long time, made the kiss even sweeter, Jimin thought to himself. Sometimes you find people in a state of life, when you need them the most. And sometimes the people who were once your hope, come back and decide to stay all over again. They both kissed for such a long time that Jimin didn’t notice how his phone was vibrating aggressively on the blanket underneath them. Until finally Jungkook let go of the kiss, smiling shyly while pointing at the phone that was still annoying the peaceful state they were in. “You wanna take it?” “Ughhh.. who is the cockblocker, do I need to kill him…” Jimin whispered more to himself, while grabbing his phone and checking the messages. “Ah fuck, I completely forgot..” Jimin stood up quickly, searching for his keys and bag. While Jungkook was still sitting on the blanket, cross-legged, patiently waiting for him to give a proper response. “My friends have that night where we all meet up at our favorite bar to drink and eat while talking about all the shit we went through. We mostly do that once in a month.” Jungkook raised his eyebrows, still looking at the confused and panicking Jimin. “It’s okay, if you need to go. I’ll clean this up and we meet up tomorrow?” Jimin laughed, acting like it was the dumbest idea he heard. “No, no, no. Sir! You are coming with me. You will meet them!” Jungkook quickly stood up from the blanket and looked at him all shocked. His doe-like eyes widened. “Already?” Jimin nodded, quickly cleaning their little spot and putting the plastic into the next close trash can. “They will love you! They are a bit chaotic but that’s actually endearing, trust me!” He grabbed Jungkook’s hand and dragged him with him. This is going to be an interesting night, that’s for sure…

*

The club where they meet up once in a month was the city’s hottest place. Every college kid wanted to spend their Friday nights there, it was heavily crowded, therefore you mostly needed to reserve a table beforehand. That job was actually Jin’s, but he usually forgets, so thus Joon took over. Whenever a month was coming to an end, they all meet up, talk about their experiences and drown their worries with alcohol. It was a tradition all of them enjoyed. And Jimin knew that they all wanted to get to know Jungkook, so why not now? “Ah, I heard of this place.” Jungkook screamed, now wearing his whole attire again, hoping to prevent any potential fans catching him. He hoped he could get a glimpse of Jimin’s friend group, who told him a lot of things about them but it was so crowded that it was extremely hard. “They are all up there, we have an own lounge. So you don’t need to wear all of this!” Jimin screamed back, the music was too loud down there and he was happy when he could meet his friends soon. The younger was obedient and let himself drag around the club, while looking at all the different things that were happening. Jimin couldn’t contain a smile, Jungkook was so precious. “Guys! HEY!” Jimin first saw Yoongi, then Hoseok then all the others. They were all dressed fancily, and Jimin quickly felt like he was way underdressed. “Oh, hey guys!” Hoseok catched that both of the boys were still holding hands, and quickly smiled brightly. “You need to be Jungkook?” Jimin saw his look so he quickly let go, feeling embarrassed. His face rapidly getting tomato red. Jungkook quickly took off his mask, bucket hat and glasses with one hand, while the other was still shamelessly taking a hold onto Jimin’s waist. Which made Jimin blush even more. “Yes, I am. Hello!” He bowed, and went back into holding Jimin’s waist. The others were all smiling brightly, indeed happy about the outcome of Jimin’s known backstory with him. “Take a seat. You are the youngest, so you don’t need to buy anything!” Jin quickly chimed in, while pointing at the free seats next to Taehyung and Jess who were both laughing uncontrollably. Gosh how he hated his best friends sometimes. “So you are Jimin’s boyfriend?” Yoongi dropped the bomb as soon as they were taking a seat and Jimin wished he didn’t choose to come. It must’ve been so uncomfortable to Jungkook. 

Because it sure as hell was for him. Besides, both of them didn’t really talk about being officially together, what made the situation way more awkward. “Yes. I am. As long as Jimin is content with that decision?” He quickly looked at Jimin who was shocked. Here was dominant boyfriend Jungkook again. Jimin felt how his cheeks were burning. He just nodded. Not knowing how else to reply with. The black-haired boy was now freely putting his arm around his now “boyfriend”. It felt surreal to be called that way. And even though it wasn’t really romantic how he asked him, it still felt amazing that he did it in front of his friends. The closest people to him. He wasn’t even doubting this question one bit. “Ah okay. That’s nice to hear.” Yoongi responded softly, while still keeping his eyes on Jungkook. He was protective of Jimin, everybody knew that. However, something about Yoongi looking at Jungkook that way, made everyone accept Jungkook even more: Yoongi smiled. He smiled while looking at the youngest of the batch, accepting it fully. As long as Yoongi was accepting of someone, everybody else in their group of friends trusted that person as well. 

Kind of like the mom of group. The couple of hours they all spent together was magical. It felt like Jungkook always was a part of the group, his humor was the same kind as that from the group and even Taehyung was happily accepting him as a member of their little squad. Jimin and Jungkook were also the only ones who denied any alcohol. They both were already intoxicated of this beautiful relaxing night, that they didn’t need any of it. Who thought it could be that easy? Jimin definitely didn’t. A couple of weeks ago, he wouldn’t have thought in a million dreams that Jungkook would sit right next to him, an arm around him, kissing him and asking him if he was alright, while all of his friends were present. It was like a fever dream. Just entirely positive. “I think it’s time for us to go. Thank you guys for today.” Jimin openly said to the little group, some already highly drunk while others were nodding happily back. He waved them all goodbye and before he could leave for good, along with Jungkook, there was a hand on his shoulder making him stop. “Hey, wait a minute.” It was Taehyung. “I just wanted to say how happy I am, that you guys met up again. There is nothing as precious as loving and being loved. But never forget…!” His gaze now hit Jungkook, who was severly confused. “If you ever manage to hurt my baby boy here…!” Taehyung, heavily tipsy, laid his head on Jimin’s shoulder, while pointing at Jungkook. Giving him a clear warning. Of course this was absolutely cute and of course no bad feelings were intended. It made the couple chuckle and they both gave him a goodbye hug before they left. On their way to Jimin’s apartment, hand in hand, the older realised what actually happened today. Also in what kind of head space he also was. It wasn’t perfect, here and there he still tried to control his anxiety but he felt better, he felt hopeful. They both talked for a while, after arriving at Jimin’s little home and continued to giggle about the response Jimin’s friends gave them. The butterflies that once annoyed Jimin when he thought of Jungkook, were now fluttering inside his stomach again. Now, however, he was accepting it. Completely intoxicated by love, for once he welcomed the future that was awaiting him. * The next morning started like the day before. The sunlight was dancing once again on Jimin’s face, welcoming him for today. He opened his eyes, trying to cover his eyes with his small little hand. Next to him, his boyfriend. Still sleeping peacefully, eyes twitching here and there. “Kook-ah..” Jimin softly whispered while kissing him all over his face. Covering him, with tiny little smooches. 

“Hmmm..”

There was not really a response, but Jimin smiled whatsoever. He loved sleepy Kookie. He was even more adorable in this state.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” He said like a mantra, finally making Kook respond with the biggest smile. “Say it once more!” Jimin shook his head, acting like he was angry, ready to jump off the bed. “Hey, say it again..!” Kook quickly grabbed Jimin by his waist dragging him back to bed, kissing him directly on the lips. “You are the only one that tastes still so sweet in the morning, how are you doing that?” Jimin chuckled while kissing him right back.

There are so many obstacles that are awaiting me…

The anxiety will maybe never leave me…

And the uncertain feelings about the future will probably continue to haunt me…

I have a long way to go… But with you it seems like a quick walk to the store…

[sinceileftyoublog]

Georgia Anne Muldrow Interview: Rhythm Is A Form of Gravity

Photo by Antoinette A. Brock

BY JORDAN MAINZER

“The people keep you fresh. They keep you on your toes,” Georgia Anne Muldrow told me over the phone last month. The prolific L.A. musician, whose output ranges from experimental hip-hop to neo soul to jazz and everything in between, is releasing her fifth record in four years on Friday, and the third overall in her beats series. VWETO III (FORESEEN + Epistrophik Peach Sound) follows last year’s Mama, You Can Bet! (released under the name Jyoti), 2019′s collaboration with Dudley Perkins and VWETO II, and 2018′s acclaimed, Grammy-nominated Overload. Unlike any of the previous albums, it was put together with some “calls to action” in mind.

Thought some of the songs were around for longer, VWETO III as an entity was made last year, “over a course of time where things were changing in terms of different recording techniques I was trying,” said Muldrow, harking back to techniques and inspirations from her early years of music making. The record was also, obviously, formed during a global pandemic that caused folks to lock down, and Muldrow is conscious to giving listeners opportunities to reach out on her very active Instagram account. Each of the album’s singles have been paired with those aforementioned calls to action. “Unforgettable”, which combines 80′s-sounding synths with 90′s G-funk, calls for vocalists to submit performances to go along with Muldrow’s vocals on the song. “Mufaro’s Garden”, inspired by an illustrated folktale book called Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters, asks for visual artist submissions. On the day of the album’s release, Muldrow will ask for dance submissions to “Slow Drag”, a throwback Hammond-guitar-piano ditty named after the juke joint dance of the same name. Next month, it’ll be “Action Groove”, with calls for turntable scratch ‘n’ sampling remixes from DJs. And it’s not just the singles that exemplify Muldrow’s desire to connect with listeners on a granular level. Many of the songs on VWETO III refer to or are inspired by specific eras, from the Afrofuturist jazz of “Afro AF” to the genre tribute “Boom Bap Is My Homegirl”. That the titles are clearly referential, too, like “Old Jack Swing” or “Synthmania Rock”, shows that Muldrow’s not winking and nodding or trying to fool us, earnestly inviting us to dive in.

Moreover, VWETO III is coinciding with what Muldrow’s calling the Teacherie, classes she’s trying to develop to spread knowledge of what she’s learned throughout her own career, everything from philosophy to instrumental-specific classes. Right now, from her saved Instagram story called “Teacherie!,” you can take an assessment to fill out what you’re interested in. “It helps me to see what skill levels people have and what they want to learn in the class,” Muldrow said. “I seek to continue to stay open enough to make relevant music and have relevant things to share with people.” Overall, Muldrow is the type of artist that uses online platforms the way they’d be used in an ideal world. Her use of NFTs, too, is noble; the album art by Cape Town-based Breeze Yoko is being auctioned off, with 50% of proceeds going to prison abolitionist organization Critical Resistance. Even when the offline world returns--Muldrow’s slated to play Pitchfork Music Festival on Saturday, September 11th--Muldrow’s created a blueprint for navigating an increasingly isolating digital world, by seeking out real connections.

Below, read my conversation with Muldrow, edited for length and clarity, as she discusses making the record, being inspired by African rhythms, the influence of Digital Underground, and why her work logically extends into prison abolition. You can also catch her tomorrow on Bandcamp Live at 8 PM CST.

Since I Left You: Why did you decide this was a good time to revisit your beats album series?

Georgia Anne Muldrow: The people love it, you know? I always like to post beats on Instagram and share my poetry or state of mind of what’s going on in the world according to my people, and provide a place of joy and uplift. The voice of the people kind of determined what songs were on there. There are some songs that nobody’s ever heard. Different ideas, something a little bit more energized.

Something for the people. It’s really great that I have direct contact with them. Some of the songs are things I like to try based on the vibes I get from their feedback. It’s great; it’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve gone through phases where critics love me, but the voice of the people that really support your work is really cool to hear. It’s like a little focus group. I just like sharing my music with folks because it’s my way of contributing love energy to the world in a direct, immediate way.

SILY: A lot of folks are still staying home and needing that connection. You’re connecting with them but also providing a platform for them to connect with each other.

GAM: Yes. I’m way into that and seek to be expanding that in an even more literal sense with my classroom project [Teacherie], like a live webinar sort of thing, that enables folks to speak amongst themselves. A more extended form of what I do on social media. An intimate look at what’s really going on in music. They can see where my emotions end and the music begins and try to make things seamless within their own music. Teach what I’ve picked up along the way, because I won’t be here forever. Spreading the love but the knowledge, too, with the music that I share. There’s a certain quality that you can achieve if you have patience.

SILY: Did you always know you wanted to do these calls for action, like for vocalists on “Unforgettable”? And how did you decide which tracks you wanted to do them for?

GAM: It’s definitely my way of trying to promote some sort of hip hop jam in lieu of the isolation that folks are weathering...I’m really inspired by the early age of hip hop where everyone had different dances. They brought their art books to the hip hop jams. The jackets with the art on it, the MCs rapping. The breakdancing, the DJs. All of the different things in place for it to be complete. That’s part of what got me hooked on production. One night years ago, [when I first played] my stuff, and folks started to dance, it got me hooked--to make somebody move. Somebody can rap over this, somebody can dance to this or draw to this. That’s the reason for the calls to action. Opening up a hip hop jam all over the world. I hope it gains some momentum. That would be nice, for more people to put themselves out there. But I do understand we live in different times right now and people are trying to get by. I still have to post some of the artists from “Mufaro’s Garden” and these rap videos from “Unforgettable”.

SILY: You’re giving people an opportunity, even if they’re just trying to get through the day, to take a break or have a beneficial creative exercise.

GAM: Yeah. Being creative together, and togetherness. The thinking that the songs aren’t complete without dance. Lyrics are a certain kind of fulfillment of music. But the movement of the body is another one. [It] goes back to gravity. Drummers harness the power of gravity and manipulate it so things can fall at a certain time. Same thing with dance--[dancers] don’t manipulate gravity, but interact with it and create an interdependence with it. When somebody’s dancing, they come back down to the ground, and you could let that go and let gravity guide what your dance looks like. Rhythm is a form of gravity--a form of gravity engaging with life. I feel like movement is the fulfillment of all the arts. I just seek to do my part.

SILY: You mentioned being inspired by a specific early era in hip hop, and there’s a lot on here inspired by genre or era-specific trends, like the G-funk in “Unforgettable” and “Boom Bap Is My Homegirl”.

GAM: [Boom bap] is one of the things that I specialize in. It’s a home base for me. In my experience, it’s a very African point of access. A lot of the boom bap rhythms are straight from Africa. Most of them are. Off the shores of West Africa. I heard so many of them, from The Gambia, Senegal, Mali. Over there, you hear so much of it. I want to be part of that. At the same time, I might wake up and make a free jazz record. I don’t feel like a traditionalist; I just want to preserve the culture of Black music from this hemisphere. I love traditional ideas, but it’s not like I’m gonna do this one idea for the sake of staying in a lane. There’s no place that Black music hasn’t influenced, molded, shaped, nurtured.

SILY: When was the last time you were able to perform in Africa?

GAM: I believe it might have been 2017. These years have started to run together. I don’t mind it, though. Keeps me young. [laughs]

VWETO III cover art by Breeze Yoko

SILY: How did the songs on here with vocals come together, whether the ones with your singing or the ones with featured artists? Did the words or beats/melodies come first?

GAM: The beats came first except for “Shana’s Back”. Shana Jensen is my sister; she’s the mother of my niece. Every time she’d come over and I had an idea to compose songs around her, they’d end up being huge songs. She’d be like, “Bye!” [laughs] I guess she wanted something a little more understated. I’d always end up doing big Motown sounds. There’s a song on The Blackhouse called “Shana’s Groove”. It’s a like a reoccurring situation and character. It’s kind of funny at this point.

The other ones, like “Unforgettable”, I’m very much matching the vibe, the punk-funk aesthetic. Sometimes a little hook just pushes it over the edge and gets them into the mindset I was in when thinking about it. Other songs like “Love Call” I just wanted to sound like it was in an arena. Arena rock, funk, Digital Underground-inspired, all the way.

SILY: Are you a big Digital Underground fan?

GAM: I think it shows in a lot of the music I make. I don’t think I can hide it. This record has so many examples of that. I love Shock G so much. He was so bad, as a thinker, a philosopher, a community builder, artist, pianist, maestro. The “Love Call” groove, “Unforgettable”, “[Old] Jack Swing”, you can hear it. I was raised with that kind of music in my head as a child. Unashamed to be funky and make a groove have extra grease on it. That’s what distinguished our sound from other region’s sounds. Getting greasy. While still doing the boom bap and all that other stuff. For me, it was always a goal to represent where I’m from in my music in a non-traditional way. Bringing what I love about the West Coast to whatever I was working on.

Shock G lives in all of us. He brought so many different vibes. A rhythmic pocket that breathes. Somewhat right under "Atomic Dog”. It keeps you moving. It has a breath of life in it. I’m so thankful to have lived in an era where I could hear and experience his work.

SILY: How did “Ayun Vegas” come together?

GAM: Ayun is my little brother. I think I’ve known him since 2014 or ‘15. He’s quite a talent. I love his style. He’s from [New] Jersey. I love his sense of rhythmic dynamic. His use of metaphor, double entendre. I feel like he’s really a gifted poet. He can do all types of different things. He’s an amazing MC--he just released a project with Jacob Rochester called Slaps & Hugs. I’m gonna lean towards people who are creative themselves and insert themselves into everything they do. 

Ayun is very secure in being different. He came out to Vegas, and I had this song. Usually, when I play leftfield stuff, MCs want that beat they can crush and not feel challenged by. This song is really old. I feel like it was made in 2016. I feel like that was the first time when somebody was willing to rap on an idea that was out of the ordinary. It’s not just in your face. It’s something different, but I want you to rap for your life on this. Something more like a movie score, where you find your character. He did it! He didn’t leave one beat behind. 

He’s rhythmically gifted and quite the poet. He almost went into pro football but he chose music. He’s a very enterprising brother, doing all types of apparel. He was working in the visual artist community, in the videographer community. Any time I can showcase what it is that he got to share, I’m there. He’s not afraid to speak the truth. This verse is impressionistic. It’s like somebody is taking a really big brush and making a beautiful image, strong-arming it. It’s dope. I love it.

We did another song together on the Overload album, but it didn’t make the cut. The Japanese version of Overload has a song called “What Can We Do Now”, and it has Ambrose Akinmusire, Ayun, and me. I’d love for that to be heard stateside, because it’s definitely about what’s happening over here.

SILY: Why did you choose to have the proceeds for this record go to Critical Resistance?

GAM: I’ve always wanted my music to be a tool for the motion of people. It doesn’t stop with dance and rapping and singing and drawing. It begins with that. Where it ends up, the movement of people coming into their powers, truths that in order to have a more humane society, we are going to have to throw some of this bullshit away. The spoils of enslavement. We’ve got to get rid of those spoils so we can get to a more realistic place of folks being cognizant of the activities that they take a part in. Jails ain’t gonna help people feel like they’re part of the community. They cage people and endanger their lives and run the risk of ruining somebody’s mental, emotional, and spiritual state even if they did commit the crime they’re in there for.

There’s a sense that all crime is committed from a place of fear. Many crimes people are locked up for is just folks trying to find a way. I don’t see how more fear is going to rehabilitate. The idea that punishment leads to enlightenment. People in the public school system are taught about some of the baddest people that ever lived--mass murders. But they’re not the type of people held accountable. They’re who brought over the imprisonment systems from their failed nations.

I don’t believe in reform at all. Critical Resistance seeks to abolish prisons as we know them. I love that their resolve is so sure and bold.

Photo by Antoinette A. Brock

[flying-elliska]

I was scrolling to your blog, as I often do, and I just saw the pewdiepie post and it just seems so absurd to me. I saw the article says he makes fun of corona in "racially edgy" video, so I went back to it to see if I had missed something, and it just, it's the most sensationalist way of describing it? Like, there's nothing racial about it besides him talking about his visit to japan and speaking chinese (or japanese maybe?) (Cont...)

And then the making fun of corona is just him telling the virus off because he seriously thought he was going to die while in japan (which, understandable since it was one of the first countries to be affected by it and we all thought we were going to die back then). So people calling him a neo-nazi is just so weird to me and I truly believe people who think that haven't watched his videos and just go along with what those articles say about him (cont...)

He's not a saint but I don't think he's racist or isn't trying to radicalize kids in any way??? Those claims just seem so over the top to me, it baffles me when I see those articles 

///

Hey anon. So, fair disclaimer, I haven’t seen any of his videos and I am basing my judgments from secondary articles. (I honestly don’t really want to give him any views and I am not interested in his content in any way). I reblogged this post mostly because of the last addition - about how radicalization can happen in a very subtle way at first through humor.

That said, I have been reading things about this dude having an extremely dodgy sense of humor for years. No matter how you try to explain it, for instance, paying two Indian men to hold up a sign that reads “Death to All Jews”, wearing a swastika to work, yelling the N-slur during a livestream or recommending an anti-Semitic channel is just bad - even if he didn’t ‘really mean it’.  Then there is the matter of the New Zealand white nationalist Christchurch mass shooter going “Subscribe to PewDiePie” and it becoming a sort of meme in online far right spheres.

As explained in this New York Times interview, there is a possibility the dude was engaging in some edgelord humor, just picking the most offensive possible subjects to joke about for fun and popularity - a possibility that deep down ‘he’s not really racist.’ But there is the matter of personally held beliefs, and then there is the impact of your actions. Being a racist is not only about your personal convictions, but also about your behavior. Structural oppression works in a way where no matter what your own beliefs are, you can still participate in it through your actions. I would argue that making those sorts of jokes, even if you ‘don’t really mean it’, contributes to that pattern of oppression. Humor is often a way to maintain the social status quo by indicating whose pain is ok to laugh about, whose concerns are ok to dismiss and ridiculize. Humor as a microagression jokes about ‘small things’ that actually hit on a much older, much larger pain and history of oppression. It can be used as a dogwhistle to express that the one making the joke doesn’t consider the people he jokes about fully human - or not ! because it’s just a joke, relax ! but the introduction of that fear is exactly the point.

I’m French - a big part of our humor is ‘second degré’ and pretending to hold offensive views. When done well and with delicacy, it can be brilliant, a great way to demonstrate the absurdity of those views and a very important part of media literacy, teaching people not to take everything at face value. But the sad truth is, most often,there is no subtlety, no context and no accompanying self-deprecation, no flippping of the laughing object from the subject of the views to the one holding those views - most often it’s Shrodinger’s threat. It’s a way for bullies to get away scot free because ‘it was all a joke’ and ‘you shouldn’t take it so seriously’ - laughing not at the bigot but the one who was reminded of his oppression. Anti-semitism in particular has a history of being dismissed because of dangerous clichés about Jewish people secretely holding a lot of power/wealth over others. I think PewDiePie has both a lack of subtlety and an enormous platform and the mixture of the two seems extremely dangerous to me.

Then there is the additional context of the rise of the alt-right on the Internet - like that post explained, there has been a deliberate strategy from Neo-Nazis to start with jokes to slowly acclimatize people to their views.

As said here “White-nationalist and alt-right groups use jokes and memes as a way to normalize bigotry while still maintaining plausible deniabiliy, and it works very well as a recruitment strategy for young people.”

As this mother who saw her teenage son radicalized by the alt-right explains, the innocuous aspect of the jokes at first is precisely the point. Young people (most often boys) who don’t have the levels of critical thinking and nuance required to understand systemic aspects of oppression, engage with and spread the content because it’s ‘just jokes’. Then, when people get hurt and pissed at them for it, it makes them angry - at women, at gay people, at people of color, at Jewish people, at ‘liberal snowflakes’ for being ‘too sensitive’. They feel attacked ‘for nothing’ and misunderstood, which primes them to being recruited by extremists as the jokes become darker and darker until they’re not jokes at all anymore.

To go back to PewDiePie - I don’t think he was a Neo-Nazi all along, I think he was just an idiot with an edgy sense of humor who was given too much attention. But it remains that he contributed to a certain online climate and he was instrumentalized by the far right. At best, he is just massively clueless, and his efforts to distance himself from his impact seem oddly half-hearted, as are his claims that he just ‘isn’t into politics’. The world is political, and when you have that big of a platform, you have to be considerate about the impact of your message, no matter what your intentions are. Trying to claim neutrality is a massive mark of privilege, and his whole behavior is just incredibly irresponsible.

I’m not saying that anyone watching his content is secretely a bigot or a Neo-Nazi. And maybe he has gotten more self aware since then. But he has more than earned people’s mistrust, and people seeing racism in his videos doesn’t spring out of nowhere.

[cloudy-coyote]

Necessity

(A/N: I just find these gifs on google so they are not mine! I hope you guys enjoy this part cause there’s more to come!!! You should totally leave feedback if you think I need some criticism, I’m all open ears. And believe it or not, things get even crazier from here. xoxox) 

Ch. 3: Sammy’s a Kicker

Eva stands wobbly, her bandaged legs not yet strong enough to hold her up. 'Of course, I choose to wear overalls on the day I vanish to another year,' she thinks to herself.

She ended up having to sit down on the bed while she shimmies her legs into the fabric. If she thought that was hard, she had no idea how to get her sweatshirt over her head, considering she has freshly stitched wounds all up her torso and back—even the slightest of stretch could rip them.

As she spends her time getting dressed, Sam and Dean stand outside her door, trying to claim possession over the patient. Saying they need to take her back to headquarters, wherever that is.

They didn't have time to explain much, but she was desperate enough that that didn't matter. They were her only option. She'd do anything to keep herself from being locked away in a straight jacket. So when they told her to 'haul ass and get dressed', that's exactly what she did.

She finally gets the shirt over her head, gently dropping it down her torso. She places her rain boots back on and grabs her backpack, keeping her phone securely inside. She grabbed the pair of crutches that was sitting next to her bed. She tried to balance herself on the silver sticks without hurting her arms too bad. Once fully ready, she draws back the curtain that was blocking the window and door. They see her standing, clothed and ready.

Sam gently opens the door, giving her room to walk into the hallway. She makes direct eye contact with Dr. Calloway, the same nurse from before standing behind him.

"Eva, we can help you," The Doctor says, "We highly insist you stay here where you can be taken care of,"

"Sorry, Doctor, we're just following orders," Dean states. He places a large, callus hand on Eva's shoulders.

"Thank you for your cooperation. Have a nice day, sir," Sam politely farewells.

Fitting their character, they both put on sunglasses. Their faces remain poker straight, and quickly escort Eva out of the hospital.

Once they reach the front doors, and she takes her first step back outside, she sees it.

She sees the old cars, the hideous 2000's fashion (super low-rise jeans, velvet jumpsuits), the billboards advertising 'Transformers' or 'Toyota 2005' models, she even noticed everyone using classic flip-phones. She sees the girls with bleach-blonde hair, streaks of hot pink. She sees people using neckties as belts and wearing flip-flops with cargo pants.

After looking around and seeing everything, she feels entirely lost. Like she had traveled to a foreign country. I mean, nothing about 2005 America simulated 2019, not in any way. She could even say the air felt different. It was just slightly off, slightly changed, it didn't feel right. It didn't feel anything like home, especially without her family.

Eva wearing overalls and a cropped sweatshirt didn't really mix well with the crowd. People gave her lots of odd looks, not to mention the millions of bandages she's buried in, along with the crutches.

"This is crazy," She says, looking to Sam. Dean begins leading her through the parking lot, to his car.

"Are overalls popular in 2019?" Sam asks, a small smile on his face.

She laughs, "They are, but I stick out like a sore thumb, don't I?

"Yup," Dean adds, "What, were you like a farmer on somethin'?"

Eva snorts, "No, but are you guys gonna explain what's going on or what?"

To that, both Sam and Dean look at each other, before finally stopping at a car. The car was black, sleek; it had silver rims and a low top. Dean walks around to the driver's seat and swings the door open, "First we got to get you outta' here, sweetheart."

Sam opens the door for Eva, "Don't worry, if there's anybody who can help you with what happened, it's us," He sends her another kind smile before she slides into the backseat, "You're safe here." He shuts the door.

Dean gingerly slides the keys into the slot and turns them, earning a great big roar of the engine. Eva--even through the layers upon layers of bandages-- feels the rev of the car beneath the leather seat.

Once she gets comfortable in the cushion, the best she can despite her aching body, she relaxes. The fresh scent of clean laundry, booze, and an old, homey car. Her muscles practically begin to melt into the seat with each deep breath she took, strangely putting her mind to peace. She truly did feel safe away from the hospital.

"You alright back there?" Dean asks, meeting her eyes in the rear-view mirror. But this time when they hold eye contact, it's not stern, or scary. His green eyes were much more kind.

"Would be a lot better with some food," She comments with a small smile on her face.

Dean laughs, "Couldn't have said it better myself."

Her smile slowly sinks from her lips, her mind wandering onto what the absolute Hell is going on. This whole past day and night have been nothing but chaos and confusion-- things she'd never expect even in her wildest dreams, yet here she is. Stuck in 2005, torn away from her family- her life, her loved ones, and been attacked by God knows what.

"2019, huh?" Dean comments.

"What's it like?" His brother asks.

Eva rolls her eyes, thinking about all of the mayhem that is the future. Global warming, Wars, the Muslim-ban, the racist uprising. But at the same time, there were many wholesome movements--things that bring people together. Black Lives Matter, Me Too, there was in fact, a lot of unity despite the polarizing President.

There was a time when Republicans and Democrats could live together civilly. But that wasn't the case for 2019. There was such a strong division among the political groups. You had people from both sides saying how much they despise each other. Neo-Nazis marching against minority groups, and young Democrats preaching violence against Trumpsters. There was just so much hatred--- so many hurt people.

"Pretty hectic, honestly."

"Hectic?" Sam repeats.  

Before they have a chance to ask more questions, she cuts them off. Trying to change the subject-- she doesn't want to think about home.

"So what is it you guys said you did, again?" She asks.

While the question was said slightly to derail the conversation, this had also been eating away at her brain. The only explanation she got in the hospital was Sam telling her that they help people like her, paranormal cases-- but what exactly does that entail?

"Er- we're hunters," Sam answers, "We hunt Ghosts, Demons, you name it."

"How does one exactly...get into a job like this?"

"It's the family business," Dean shrugs.

Sam snorts, "Most parents tell their children there's no monster under the bed. Our Dad handed us a shotgun."

Eva's eyes widen at his words. What a totally different world from hers, huh?

And she thought when her Dad would make her come fix the pipes with him, that he was being unfair-- God was she privileged. And for a moment she thinks how awful it must've been to grow up with a life like that. But then it hit her, it hit her that what if this is her life now? Her family is gone. It's only been a day, but down to the absolute core of it, she has never felt such a cold-cut separation from them as she does now. Never truly felt empty, without their love until now-- as if they were dead. She just couldn't feel them.

"He was honest with us, it was the only way to keep us safe," Dean adds.

When his words tear her away from her thoughts, she immediately notices Sam's reaction. His eyes slightly rolling, turning his head away with a muttered scoff. She hates to admit it but, having someone else's tension and stress to focus on makes it easier for her not to get caught up in her own problems.

Truly, if she compares their childhoods, she's practically treated like a Princess. She had great big birthday parties with all of her cousins and friends, during Halloween her Mom used to plan weeks ahead, helping little Eva become whatever she wanted to be.

And her favorite part of the year: Christmas. It was just magical.

They would decorate the outside of their house in cute, colored lights. Eva and her Mom would bake cookies and pies, which Eva absolutely loved. They would bring in a nice big Christmas tree every year and decorate with tons and tons of ornaments and lights. Around the house, her parents would scatter around little Santa's and little reindeer decorations.

It was also the time of year when tons of her cousins and family would come visit their home and they'd constantly have people over playing games, eating together, and having so much fun.

Most of all, when Christmas day came, they all got each other gifts, nice gifts. True, her brothers always struggled with not only wrapping but also picking things out. Despite that, it was always purest, the happiest day of her life. Whether it was her Mom's homemade knit socks or Charley's artsy drawings, or just being in the company of Oli and her Dad--it was all perfect. At the end of the day, she loved being surrounded by them. And right now, she really needed it.

'What they wouldn't give to have a childhood like that...' she thinks.

She feels their thick, fiery tension. She could tell instantly that Dean's words rubbed Sam the wrong way and vise versa. But, while it distracted her-- it also made her feel guilty. She didn't like their discomfort. No, she liked it far better when they were kind and calm. Something she needs at this time while dealing with her madness. Something she required from them in order to know that everything's going to be okay.

"I can imagine knowing about all those evil things at such a young age must've made your childhood so much different," Eva earnestly says.

Her voice glazed over as she recalls all the precious memories, slowly tugging tears to her eyes. Her fingers eagerly find her necklace, holding it tight in her palm. She really can't help but feel bad for them, growing up hunting monsters? They probably felt like outcasts-- outcasts that weren't getting paid nor recognized for saving people. 'I just can't imagine,' she thinks.

It was strangely comforting, the words she spoke. Sam and Dean have this consistent tension that pulls on both of their ends every time they talk about their childhood. It's like, sometimes, they didn't even live the same experience. As if Dean was raised by a completely other man. In Sam's eyes, the John Winchester he knows raised them like soldiers. But it's like that man didn't exist to Dean.

"So, how am I going to get back to, well, er- the future?" She stumbles over the words. The idea that her saying 'back to the future' as a real thing and not as a reference to the movie, making her feel really odd.

"Honestly? Not a clue," Sam answers, "We've never actually had a time-travel case before," He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly.

Instantly, this makes her stomach drop. These guys are her only hope, and even they don't know what to do?  Even they've never even heard of something like this? Her brain starts spinning, her anxiety flying out the window as she feels her face get hot with frustration. And she goes straight back to that place, 'what if she can't get back? What if, truly, yesterday was her very last day in 2019?'

"Great," She whispers, hopelessness getting the better of her.

Sam jolts in his seat, his hands frantically waving at her, "No-no! That's not what I meant. Just because we haven't had a case like this before doesn't mean we can't figure it out. Seriously, we do it all the time."

"Just tell me truthfully," Eva meets his hazel eyes in the mirror, "Do you think that I'll ever see them again?"

"Yes. I promise that you will," Sam responds in a soft tone.

"Then, what's the first step?"

"Ganking the SOB that attacked you," Dean decides.

Not even the slightest wavering in his voice, or a flinch in his face, he was sure as Hell. The firmness in his tone, the fact that he was self-assured enough to make a very certain decision-- it gave her ease. She didn't feel scared, like whatever what was going to happen next was unknown or that her future wasn't hopeful. She really needed someone right now to give her security. To give her trust, and that's exactly what Dean did.

Eva's stomach rumbles with a loud growl. Her brain just now realizing how hungry she was.

"Not without eating first...right?" Eva asks.

This causes both Sam and Dean to laugh, the mood lightening up even more.

"How do you feel about burgers?"

"Well," She looks down to her fingers and hands covered in bandages, "How do you guys feel about cutting up my food?"

Dean lets out a low whistle, "Sammy's the babysitter tonight, idn't that right?" He gives a hard pat on his brother's shoulder.

"You know Dean, correct me if I'm wrong but last hunt I carried your ass out of a burning building. So actually, I think it's your turn, brother."

"Oh c'mon," Dean groans, "Y'know how much I hate kids,"

"Hey! I'm 18, thank you very much," Eva hollers from the back seat.

"Is that so?" Dean meets her eyes in the mirror, sending her a flirtatious wink, a small smirk playing on his face.

"Seriously, Dean?" Sam gags,  "She's injured! God, I'll do it, okay?"  

~~

The Impala smoothly pulls into the parking lot of an off-road diner called, 'Two Men and a Griddle'. The building looked rather vintage, a 60's themed restaurant. It had a few cars parked here and there, most of them taking a rest stop to eat.

Once Dean sets the car in park, he quickly unbuckles his seatbelt and swings the door open. Sam and Dean were still decked out in their FBI suits, looking a little out of place for a small diner like this.

They decide to ditch the jackets, the tie and untuck their shirts to make it look less formal. While Dean makes his way to the trunk, Sam opens the side door, greeting Eva with a kind smile.

"Do you need some help?" He asks. She quickly looks down to her body. She already knew her body was in some pretty severe pain since she's been feeling it the entire car ride, but she honestly didn't know how to go about getting out the car. Everything was bandaged, there were lots of splints, so she wasn't very bendable at the moment.

"I think so," She answers. He offers a hand out for her to grab-- unfortunately not getting the finest grip. And when he tries to pull her out, using most of his strength to help her--- her hand slips from his grasp and she nearly tumbles to the ground. Her breath caught in her throat the moment she lost balance, feeling herself fall-- but oddly enough, she didn't hit the ground. No, she fell into Sam, who had his knees locked at the moment and was at a very awkward angle, and when she tumbled, she didn't fall on the concrete but rather something on the ground,  and landed on something very hard, it was also warm--- and groaning.

"I'm so sorry!" She yelps, trying to shuffle off of his gigantic body. Unintentionally--at least she thinks-- she catches a feel of his muscular build while trying to scramble off of him.

"You two need a room?" Dean jokes, still rummaging through the contents of the trunk.

"Ha. Ha." Sam rolls his eyes, "Very funny, Dean."

Once Eva is fully off of him, she crawls around, trying to find a way to get up. Her body was pulsing even harder than before, and now she was sitting on her legs which were definitely too sore to carry her weight. She inaudibly winces when trying to reach toward the car, attempting to find leverage.

Sam grunts as he sits up, brushing off his clothes. He easily stands up and looks back down to Eva. He notices her scrunched up face, she's in evident pain. But despite her very clear discomfort, she desperately tried grabbing on to the car door, trying to pull herself back up.

"Hey, hey, relax. You don't want to end up ripping one of your stitches, just lemme help you."

He extends his hands out and she jumps away from them."But I fell on you!" She protests.

"And I'm fine. You're clearly not."

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine," She argues back, still trying to pull herself up.

He ignores her words, not buying one second of it, and bends down, "I'm gonna help you now, okay?"

He gently grabs both of her arms, his large hands easily wrapping around her entire elbow. Slowly pulling her up, he makes sure not to grip too tight, or too loose, and she dare not look him in the eye. Once she's on her feet, he holds her for an extra second to make sure her balance is grounded.

His warm hands leave her arms, and she nervously meets his eyes, "Thanks," She mumbles.

"You're welcome."

Dean pops back up from the trunk, he's holding a black, beat-up journal in one hand, and in the other a laptop. He hands the computer to Sam.

"Let's try and do some digging," Dean says.

"Good idea, the sooner we find this thing, the sooner we can kill it."

Sam looks to Eva, her eyes veiled with the look of disassociation. She was quiet, but her mind was the complete opposite. She couldn't bear the thoughts coiling in her brain. The fact that what Sam and Dean do shouldn't be real. None of this should be real.

She can't help but think back to when Amber used to say her house was haunted. She'd only been there a couple times herself, but she'd be lying if she said it felt normal there. There was something so stomach-churning about her home. It makes her think, what if it was really haunted? What if, all of this stuff has existed in her home town? What if, Amber didn't go missing out of the blue---but was attacked by something paranormal?

"You okay?" Sam asks, startling her from her thoughts.

"I just can't believe this stuff is real."

"Neither can we sometimes," Sam sighs. They begin to walk towards the entrance, "Especially with your case, I don't even know what could do this."

Eva hums in response. It certainly doesn't calm her nerves knowing they're just as perplexed as she is. And when she's more on edge--more scared, it's harder for her to see a happy ending.

She trails sloppily behind the boys, trying to not hurt herself with the crutches. They swing open the cute little brass doors of the diner and are met with the strong smell of fried food and milkshakes.

A bubbly blonde hostess instantly greets the little group, "Just 3?" She asks.

They all nod as she grabs a couple of menus. Dean, not even trying to be discreet, easily scans her body. His eyes wandering from top to bottom, meeting all the way back to her face, and resting on her red-painted lips.

"Follow me."

As Eva makes her way through the restaurant, she notices the many different people sitting about the tables. Travelers, businessmen, families, and so on. Similarly, the way she peers in on these people, they peer at her. She wasn't exactly normal looking at the moment, even in a diner full of random social classes---not a single person looked away from her as she passed them.

She didn't realize it at first, but seeing the occasional family sitting in a booth, really cut straight into her. Her family used to go on road trips, they'd pile in the car and drive out to a city close by to visit cousins. She always loved to travel, but she supposes it was always easier for her to have fun because she never actually drove the car. There was something calming about watching the scenery flow by the window, she couldn't explain it, but it was very peaceful to her.

They'd almost always make a rest stop somewhere exactly like this. A little pull-in diner, she'd get milkshakes, dip her fries in them. They'd cozy up into a booth, and while there would be bickering, there'd be lots of funny moments too---somehow always turning into a laughing fit.

She smiles at the memory of the one time her brother Charley sat across from her and they were in the corner of the booth. He kept annoying her, flicking straw wrappers at her or mocking everything she said-- he's always been a bit childish. And of course, he got what he wanted and got her all riled up. And she remembers getting so annoyed that when she saw him about to throw another stupid, crumpled paper at her--- her arm flung up in the air trying to stop it. But, she ended up hitting the little wall decoration right next to her, and broke it straight off.

Off course, the waitress had just arrived to bring them their food, her face was appalled, to say the least. Eva had never felt more embarrassed in her life. Not to mention, the diner had been rather quiet, so when everyone heard the ceramic wall decoration shatter, the whole entire restaurant stared at her and she was as red as a tomato. Her family laughed their asses off, and couldn't stop talking about it the entire trip.

The waitress hands Eva a menu, "That's such a pretty necklace!" She compliments, staring right at the little bugger.

Once they reach their table, Sam notices the ghostly smile on Eva's face. It wasn't necessarily pleasant, but not sad either. There was an almost bittersweet twinkle to her gaze as she rounded the chair. Eva softly mumbles a 'thank you', before sitting down.

Dean, on the other hand, had his green eyes glued to the waitress wearing the nametag: 'Marlene'. And he couldn't stop chatting her up, making her cheeks flush and her fingers naturally twirl through her blonde locks.

Sam gingerly took a seat next to Eva, "You alright?" He asks.

She was knocked out of her reminiscent feeling. Her eyes blinking as if she's adjusting to the sight in front of her for the first time.

She appreciates his kindness, it helps to know that someone is caring about her. She has no idea what she would have been like if these boys didn't take her case. She'd be in that hospital, alone--maybe even put away in a Mental Health Institution---something she couldn't handle without her family- not again.

She shook away the thoughts, not wanting to jump down that sticky rabbit hole either.

"I'm okay, just a little scared honestly," She answers Sam back, meeting his concerned eyes.

She's a very concise person, it's an admirable trait. She learned very early on that lying does her no good. If something is too hard to talk about, too hard to explain-- perhaps she's not ready to say it--- then she's learned to say exactly that, 'I'm not ready to talk,' 'I'm too scared to talk', 'Frankly, I don't know'--- rather than lie.

He places his laptop on the table, but keeps a fixed gaze on her, "You have every right to be scared; what you're going through is hard."

"Do you deal with a lot of freaked out people?"

"All the time," He smiles, "It's normal. And you can count on us to help you get back home."

"Thanks, Sam," She gives him an endearing, warm smile-- showing her appreciation for his comforting words.

"Alright, let's start from the beginning, we need every possible detail you can give us," Dean announces, flipping open the journal.

She begins to tell them everything that she can remember about yesterday. Amber, the missing car, the intense downfall of rain and the eerie emptiness of the town. Just as she's explaining the events leading up to the attack, Dean pauses her.

"Wait, so whatever this thing was, it just popped up out of nowhere? Didn't make any sounds?" He asks.

She fearfully recollects the night, shutting her eyes tight. She remembers the thundering footsteps bellowing toward her.

"I heard running, really l-loud, uh, footsteps..." She pauses, out of breath, "-And t-then it all happened so... uh- fast- I, I couldn't do anything," She starts to feel her eyes filling over with tears.

"Dean, we should give her a break, you're pushing her too much," Sam suggests.

"You good, kid?"

She shakes her head, feeling his eyes on her. She breathes out the tightness in her chest and the heat in her eyes, "I'm okay, I wanna get this over with."

She shuts her eyes again. 'C'mon Eva,' she begs herself.

She knows that they need every detail from that night. If she misses something, they won't be able to figure out what it is that stalked her. Her story is vital-- doesn't matter how painful and mortifying it is. The longer she puts it off, the less of a chance they have at finding this guy.

It's just honestly-- it's one of those moments where she craves nothing more than her Mom's warm, comforting arms. Her Mother has been there for her night and day, the kindest and sweetest woman to walk the Earth. But, barely even being able to envision the feeling of what one of her hugs, it just made her colder. She couldn't feel them, couldn't feel her warmth. And it just made her feel even farther away.

'It's your mind,' she tells herself, 'you need to control it, you need to.'

Clenching her jaw so tight, it stung; screwing her eyes shut so hard, she saw stars; breathing in so deep, that her lungs felt like they were going to pop-- she tries again, illustrating the night.

"The footsteps they- they were the loudest thing I heard... louder than the thunder and...and- I was bent over-- I was bent over because... because- I dropped my necklace," She recalls, the last bit making her eyes shoot open at the memory.

"No- no, it fell!" She corrects herself, "Yeah, it fell right off of me, straight onto the sidewalk."

Sam and Dean are listening very carefully, putting together all of the strange elements. There was something about this case that was agonizingly freakish. The fact that these little, simple things were just slightly out of place, they couldn't understand it, none of them could.

"Is your necklace broken?" Sam asks, looking down to her chest at the gem. Her fingers subconsciously twirl it, as she shakes her head.

"No, I checked it when I got it at the hospital. It was perfectly fine," She mutters the last part, going into a little state of confusion herself.

"And that thing, you hadn't heard it yet, not before your necklace fell?" Sam asks.

"No, it wasn't until after I bent over to pick it up."

Dean shifts his eyes to the book, flipping through it. Trying to find something, anything. His tongue peeking out the corner of his mouth and he scans the pages.

"And when it started running, it wasn't close to you? Not behind you?" Dean asks, still frantically searching pages. Sam listens just as intently, but also is opening hundreds of obscure informative websites on lore and myths, looking just as confused as his brother.

"No, when I was about to pick up the necklace, I heard footsteps from really far behind me, but going to so fast it ended up- well, uh- right there and- you know, it- it attacked me," She stuttered through her words, the images and surging pains flashing through her as she remembers like a movie.

"Definitely not a ghoul," Dean mutters to his brother.

"Not a skinwalker either."

"After it attacked you, did it try to get your necklace?" Dean asks.

"Uh--no."

This causes both of them to look at each other. If the attacker didn't want the gem, then why did it fall off of her? It didn't naturally un-clasp from her neck, Dean knows that for sure. It was like the two biggest factors of her story were contradicting each other. 'If it wasn't going for the necklace, then what was it going for?'

The waitress suddenly pops up at the table startling everyone.

All three of them deep in a frenzy of trying to look for a pattern. Sam nervously lowers his computer screen and Dean quickly shuts the journal. He flashes the young lady a nice smile, and she smiles back.

"I hate to say this, but it's gettin' real late, you three," She nods her head to the side, "We're sorta startin' to clean up..."

"Marlene, you're kickin' us out?" Dean teases, pretending to look hurt.

"I know!" She pouted, "I was really likin' serving you today, Dean."

"Me too, sweetheart," He cocks his head to the side, locking eyes with her,  "Say, you live around here?"

Eva chokes back a laugh, entertained by the cinema playing in front of her. Sam's irritated look is incomparable, and Dean's goofy smile really has her forgetting all about the attack.

Sam clears his throat lightly, failing to get Dean and Marlene's attention, he clears it much louder.

"Excuse me, Dean, but maybe another time? Did you forget we have that thing at work tomorrow?"

Dean reluctantly looks back to his baby brother, sighing, "Right, forgot."

"You mind gettin' me a slice of apple pie to go?" He asks.

"Comin' right up!"

While Marlene happily dances her way over to the kitchen, Eva looks back to the boys. All while getting caught up at the hospital, to the diner-- then getting swept up into the story and researching, she totally forogt...what is the next step? She doesn't have a home to go back to, this case-- right now-- is her life. If they stop researching, she can't just sit down and watch some tv, can she? She sighs at the thought, of how long the road ahead is going to be.

"So, you guys, where exactly are we going?"

"Lotus Motel, on Semple." Dean answers.

"Right, so, where exactly am I sleeping?"

"Well it's...oh, okay, " Sam remembering that there are only two beds, politely offers, "Do you want me to sleep on the floor?"

"I'd take him up on that offer, Sammy's a kicker," Dean whispers the last part.

"That was once, Dean, once. And we were friggin' kids! I don't do that anymore!"

Dean lets out an airy laugh, grinning with entertainment. Sam, on the other hand, ears turning bright pink and nose all scrunched up in annoyance.

"Just so easy," Dean clicks his tongue, still smiling.

If they're going to be driving again, and staying up God knows how late researching-- Eva decides she should probably use the restroom. She stands up, the boys going back and forth. Dean teasing Sam, Sam getting upset, Dean pushing it, Sam sassing back, Dean getting annoyed-- it was, maybe, just a little headache provoking?

She picks up the crutches and get's herself steady. She catches the eyes of the waitress, "Could you tell me where the bathroom is?" She asks politely.

"C'mon, I'll show ya'!"

She quickly follows behind the blonde girl. Her legs and arms wobbling as she tries to move fast on crutches. Good thing they're the only customers left, otherwise, she'd be wrecking into everyone's table.

Marlene begins to slow down, making a couple turns through a sweetly decorated hallway--literally. There were bubblegum machines and candy bars everywhere. It was like she was walking through the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory.

The waitress swiftly glances behind her to look at Eva-- her face jumping in surprise.

"Oh sweetie, do you want some help?" She offers a hand.

Eva nods. She'd be lying if she said her arms were starting to hurt even more, and it was hard trying not to tug the wrong way and accidentally rip stitching.

She places her finely manicured nails behind Eva's shoulders, and places the other hand out in front of her, ready to open a door. The girl was being awfully polite. I mean, for working in food service, one tends to become pretty wrung out from all the crazy customers they deal with. She was surprised this girl was so happy.

"Here we are," She opens the door, holds it up for her to limp in. She gives her one last pat on the shoulder and a bright smile.

"Just call out if you need some help, hun," Her blue eyes twinkling.

"Thanks, I will."

The waitress leaves the bathroom, the door swinging shut behind her. She carefully makes her way over to a stall. Then she realizes, she's wearing overalls. Boy-- is this going to be fun. She struggles to unbuckle the straps and tries to get it down her legs.

As she's washing her hands, she can't help but succumb to the quietness of the empty room. Silence, it always gets to her.

When she has something to stimulate her brain, whether it's tv, books, games, conversations with people-- it distracts her. When she has something else to focus on, something else to intrigue her, it keeps the mind from spiraling away. At this moment, she can't afford to have herself get caught up in the monstrosities of her pain. The second she lets herself think about her family, about what happened---she'll go off the deep end, she knows it.

Of course, arguing with her brothers is something she never enjoyed. But, she can't deny having something to busy her mind with, even if it's something annoying, she needed it. She quite likes that the Winchester boys bicker. Especially, with all that she's dealing with-- with all the heart-wrenching thoughts of being without her family-- her well-being demands distraction.

She exits the bathroom, and even from such a far distance, she can hear the muffled sounds of Sam and Dean arguing. She tries to focus---some call it eavesdropping, she calls it, 'I can listen to whoever the Hell I want to, fuck off,' Or at least that's what she'd say to her brothers, anyway.

"--Dean, you're refusing to look at the similarities," Sam's voice, she infers.

"No, there's just nothing to look at." Dean, she figures, "That kid was a psycho."

"The psychic abilities? Both of our Mom's died in our nursey---both died the same exact way? We were connected in some way, Dean, admit it."

"Admit what?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe that you're scared? You're trying to tell me you're not in the least bit scared I could turn into that?"

"You're not like that, Sammy, okay?" Dean raises his voice, "Now stop fussing over it, we've got other things to deal with."

Now, Eva was in a predicament. She heard quite a lot there-- quite a lot that not only made her concerned but very confused. She felt wrong knowing all that personal information, things about Sam that he didn't tell her willingly. Not to mention the guilt-- the guilt of hearing about his Mother. She doesn't know what to think now except, 'maybe eavesdropping wasn't such a good idea...'

She pops her head into the main eating area. Her eyes instantly meeting the majorly thwarted boys. Dean takes it as a signal to go. He stands up, quickly throwing his coat over his shoulders. Sam also stands and clothes himself in a jacket. Eva looks to the table noticing no take-out box.

"She didn't bring you your pie, yet?"

Dean frowns, "Nope, 'bout to go up there and get it myself."

"Dean," Sam warns.

"We can just go find her, she was with me a few minutes ago--"

All of a sudden, something was not feeling right in Eva's brain.

Something feeling thick and cold in her veins. She could feel her stomach jump so high, it felt like it was caught in her throat. It was as if her chest cavity was collapsing with each breath-- as if her body was shrinking with each shudder.

And that's when she started to feel the excruciating pain on her back. It wasn't on the surface where the stitches were-- no, it was inside of her. Where the monster tore her up. She felt her organs cramping up; her blood burning so hot, that it felt like it was going to eat her inside out; her flesh feeling like it's being compressed so tight, she couldn't move.

Her skin begins to run pale. Her breathes getting frozen in her lungs.

"You're not lookin' too good," Dean says. He notices the pink rings forming around her eyes. Dark purple color flooding her eye bags. He sees her eyes fall heavy, her breathing slow, and her lips agape, shaking.

Just as Sam is about to ask her if she's okay--- her head cocks to the side and she collapses on to the floor.

Blood spilling out of her nose on to the black and white tiles.

(Let me know what you think! I really hope you guys are enjoying this xoxo)

[blakelywintersfield]

what do you think about cancel culture?

So it took me a while to answer this ask ‘cause I have... a lot to say about the subject.

There’s a lot to unpack when it comes to cancel culture. Its roots I like to believe are well intended -- a means to alert vulnerable groups about individuals that have a history of hurting them. But people have taken it... way too far.

I think it’s important to hold people accountable for their actions. There’s a lot of people who get away with horrible things, simply because they produce likeable material (makeup, music, movies, entertainment, etc.). People like Jeffree Star, PewDiePie, and Kat Von D have gotten away with their horrific treatment of others for years because people enjoy their content -- and two out of three of them still are wildly successful. What pushes people over the limit? Often times it’s a matter of what white people take major issue in. In Kat’s case, being anti-vax. Is being anti-vax bad? Hell yeah it is. As someone who’s immuno-compromised it literally could lead to an early, painful, slow death for me. And don’t get me wrong, I wanna die, but not from something that takes months of suffering. But people blatantly ignored her other awful acts -- such as her antisemitic actions (telling her former boss to “burn in hell jewbag” (sic) in the form of writing on a photo she left for him and drawing a Nazi symbol on it), complacency in victim blaming (her neo-Nazi husband blames his daughter’s rape on his daughter), denying and viciously responding to criticisms about her pedophilic makeup names (”Underage Red”, “Lolita”, second not in reference to the Japanese style but the book), and actively killing her pets (she killed one cat by leaving a house full of burning candles -- cat knocked down the candles, house went up in flames, cat died; she also was found forcing a vegan diet onto her cats -- I’m unsure if this has continued but I believe one of her cats died from it). All of these are huge reasons to “cancel” her -- to boycott her products. But people didn’t actively hate her until she came out as anti-vax, something that effects the majority. And that’s part of the issue with cancel culture: people pick and choose what’s acceptable depending on how badly it effects them personally.

Let’s focus on the other two mentioned: Jeffree and Felix. Jeffree has a very, very, veryyyyy long past of being a racist piece of shit. Not even lowkey ignorant white person racist (i.e. ”I didn’t know making fun of AAE and viewing dreadlocks as trashy was racist”). I’m talking straight up using the n-slur, with the hard -er too, towards a black woman. And this was recent, too. There just haven’t been any physical references beforehand, only personal accounts. But people have defended him -- and still defend him -- on these actions, because he apologized. But then he’ll do it again a month later. And there’ll be definitive proof of it. He’ll keep doing it over, and over, and over again. And people will continue to excuse him because he keeps apologizing! That’s not how apologies work! As someone who’s been abused, apologies mean nothing if you don’t actively work on fixing what you’re apologizing for!! My abusers would apologize and then do the exact same thing again so many times that I lost count long ago! And of course, Shane Dawson hasn’t helped because he’s head over heels for the guy, so he’s been using his popularity to try and clear his name -- which is ironic, considering he’s been under fire for being racist in the past too. The only difference is he actually cleaned his act up, until now, of course. Because now, instead of creating racist content himself, he’s defending a chronically racist shitbag. And people continue to defend him, because his shitty actions effects mainly black women -- a minority in comparison to the amount of white people in the states. Jeffree continues to be wildly successful because his problematic behavior only effects a minority, and that’s... not okay.

Felix has a very similar history to Jeffree, but with antisemitism, and in my opinion he’s even worse because he’ll apologize then do something nice like donate to a charity. And that would be fantastic if he wouldn’t continue to do antisemitic things like actively support white supremacists. People continue to defend him because he does charitable things, but I constantly remind people that abusive people aren’t abusive 24/7 -- that’s literally how they get away with abuse. They abuse, then take you out for a fancy date, kiss you gently and tell you how beautiful you are. Then they do something abusive. It’s an endless cycle. And that’s honestly what Felix does. Apologize, do something really fucking nice, and then repeat his shitty action. And he has other extremely influential people defend him -- it’s why I had to stop following JackSepticEye and Markiplier. They continuously vouched for him. They continuously defended him. And they did it in the form of saying “he’s a really good person, I know him personally, he’s really fucking sweet and nice”. That’s what people say about the partner of someone really close to me! Their friends defend them all the time, but they’ve never seen how they treat my friend. They don’t know about how they are in a relationship. And that’s all we ever hear about abusers. No one wants to accept that their longtime friend is shitty. But Mark and Sean contribute to the toxic ideology of “defend your friends to the end”. And it disenfranchises those effected because 1) they’re not Jewish, they have absolutely no say in the matter, and 2) they’re abusing their popularity to keep their friend from being properly criticized. I don’t think either of them are shitty people, per se, but they’re being extremely toxic by not letting their friend see that they’re a repeat offender and need to either work on their shit or face the music. Mark and Sean both have the power to make Felix change if they just give him the ultimatum of “us or this”.

But I digress. The main issue highlighted here is that people who actually do bad things and continue to do bad things aren’t being held accountable because people don’t care to acknowledge what doesn’t directly effect them. This is the first main issue with cancel culture.

Let’s focus on another man under scrutiny: John Lennon. Now, let me put out there for disclaimer purposes that this man is far from perfect and has problematic parts to him as well. He’s done some shitty things. But cancel culture looooooooves to dig at this man. To put it crudely, they really enjoy beating this dead... man. And mainly over one really bad thing he did, which was hit his wife. However, people love to 1) over-exaggerate it, and 2) completely ignore how he handled the aftermath. Cancel culture often refers to him as a “wife beater”, as though this were a chronic habit or that he severely brutalized his wife. But they conveniently ignore that he apologized, both to her and publicly, taught himself about domestic abuse and spoke up for women’s rights, and even wrote multiple songs about how he fucked up and he shouldn’t be excuse for what he did. And, most importantly, his wife forgave him. The victim in this situation forgave him, and people still dig into this one thing and use it as their reason to hate him and his band to this day. Genuine criticism of him and what he’s done have gone to the wayside because of this one fact with no context, and it’s a huge phenomena because people, for whatever reason, love to hate popular things. Like I said, he’s done shitty things! He wasn’t perfect! But to use one issue that was literally resolved to hate him is just a lazy excuse to hate what’s popular, and that comes to our second issue with cancel culture: people want to hate what’s popular and will go to any lengths to excuse their hatred, even if issues that have been resolved.

The last main issue I have is that cancel culture is often set up in very black and white terms. Person does bad thing, they’re bad, end of discussion. But that’s... not how life works. Not at all. I know religion isn’t universal, especially Christianity, but there’s one point in Christianity that is universal: humans are flawed. No human being to have ever existed is perfect. And with the rise of technology and social media, a lot of mistakes have a permanent proof out there. Be it through tweets, tumblr or Facebook posts, Instagram or Snapchat stories, whatever it is, there is proof. And people like to take it way too far.

For example... well, I’ll use myself. There’s good things to not being tumblr famous, and I’m blessed with that, because I used to be a major shithead. Well. Okay, I still am, but I was bigoted, uninformed, and had a lot of internalized issues. For anyone that doesn’t know, I was raised in a conservative Christian household where my father was Southern Baptist and my mother had been raised Catholic (her personal religious views are much more lax though, thankfully). Both came from small towns in Illinois and Missouri respectively, and their parents, the same. I was aggressively homophobic and transphobic (ironic, eh?), covertly racist and sexist, and just overall a really shitty person. And while I didn’t join tumblr until after I’d finally started to grow, a lot of people on here are younger -- some even lying about their age and joining before they’re 13. And like me, many of these kids are in close-minded households. And for the longest time I refused to listen to other people because of the good ol’ backfire effect, but once I began to accept I was wrong, I learned. Of course I still have learning to do -- I always do. I always will. And that’s okay. But if I were 12 year old me on tumblr today, I would, well. I would’ve probably killed myself by now, because of all the bullying and hate for being a shithead child. A shithead, yes. But a child. Someone that’s going to be ignorant to a lot of things because they haven’t been alive for as long. And not everyone has informed parents that make it a point to teach them. Adults are a little harder to forgive, I’ll admit, but children have a lot more potential to learn and grow, and we often treat them just like adults.

The final issue with cancel culture is that it gives no room for improvement and no assumption of someone’s innocence. While it hurts to be on the victim end, we as a whole are obligated to correct the issue. I personally would like it to be those not effected doing that (i.e. someone making a transphobic comment having other cis people explain why it’s transphobic and isn’t okay), but regardless, we need to assume innocent until guilty with these kinds of things. It’s not easy, sure, but if I had been on tumblr while I was a shitty kid parroting my dad’s awful world views, cancel culture would’ve labeled me a piece of shit with no chance of redemption, and if I didn’t kill myself there’s no fucking way in hell I would’ve learned, because that kind of treatment would’ve stuck with me and made it harder for me to listen to the other side’s reasoning, even if they were right. We need to approach people in a manner of calm education, instead of ready to kill. In no way am I saying this is an easy thing to do, but unless they’ve refused to open themselves up in any way whatsoever, immediately chalking someone up as a lost cause is just... counter-productive. We have to acknowledge that people are flawed, and can learn and grow. We need to give people space to improve. It’s not all or nothing.

All in all, cancel culture has a good base, but its execution has become irrational and a means to justify hating those that really don’t deserve it, while turning a blind eye to those that actually are problematic. There’s a lot to be improved on.

[theantibridezilla]

Pre-Summer ‘18 Beauty Game Changers

Okay, so it’s absolutely no secret that I’ve been a tad scarce around these parts. What can I say except, adjusting to motherhood means sometimes my little bundle of joy kicks my websites out of the priority seat! Anywho, I’m back with a much needed beauty story. Between last month and this one I’ve had a TON of beauty deliveries and also attended The Makeup Show’s press preview day. So, I will most definitely be giving a highlight on some of the cool products we were given - including a full sized Pat McGrath palette!!!

To get back into the swing of things, I’m kicking off my return to TAB with a beauty roundup of game changing items I’ve been using since mid April. As usual, I’ll let you know which items were gifted by the brand and which were bought by me. And yeah, I’ve been that busy for the last two months that most of these items were gifted by the brand. But as usual, my reviews are honest - even if I’m a brand ambassador. A big focus this time is skincare because thanks to postpartum hormones and a general neglect of my regular skincare regimen, my skin has been in sad shape recently.

1. Shea Terra Organics African Black Soap (gifted)

If you’re unfamiliar with African black soap, it’s often used to even out skin tone, help reduce excess oil and can be used as part of an exfoliation routine. So, one thing I’ve been dealing with for the past four months has been what feels like an excess of dry skin which leads to dull patches that come through even under makeup. What I love about Shea Terra’s version of African black soap is that it’s a powder that you can mix to the consistency level that you want. I can add a minimal amount of water to create more of a paste and strategically place it on areas that need more attention. Or, I can add water to turn it into more of a liquid traditional foamy soap for an all over wash.

2. Pixi Beauty x Weylie Hoang Dimensional Eye Creator 2-in-1 Liner (gifted)

Now this liner is actually part of an entire kit, but I’m only talking about the liner. Anyone who reads TAB regularly knows that I tend to be really critical of felt tipped “liquid” liners because I often don’t feel that they stand up to the same inky blackness and longevity of my tried and true liquid liner, Wet ‘n Wild megaliner in black. So, I went into this being skeptical and was profoundly and happily surprised. This is a dual ended liner that offers a fab inky black felt tip on one side for precise lines and a soft creamy kohl on the other for smoky eyes or smudged liner effects. I don’t really bother with the kohl side because often times creamy liners have a way of shifting and feathering out over the course of a day. But that ink liner...yes ma’am I’m in love! Although the finished look has a bit of a shine instead of the overall matte liner I prefer, I think Pixi hit it out of the park with this liner.

3. The Makeup Mitty & Mitty Blackout (gifted)

Now makeup removing cloths aren’t necessarily new anymore, but I love the shape and functionality of these particular cloths. The Makeup Mitty (blue) is shaped in a tear drop form so that you can use the rounded side to remove larger swaths of makeup say on your overall face or cheeks. Meanwhile the pointed end gets in for fine cleaning around the eyes. And if you’re heavy on eye makeup, The Mitty Blackout (black) is specifically just for taking off stubborn eye makeup. What I love is that these Mitties are specifically made to be used with your preferred cleanser, which is the only way I use makeup cloths these days as I find it gives me a more total cleansing experience.

4. IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Makeup 3-in-1 Wipes (gifted)

Whereas The Makeup Mitty is great for when I’m home and have all my cleansers with me, these wipes are ideal for when I’m on the road and am trying to minimize the amount of stuff I’m bringing with me. Although I don’t think these give me as thorough a cleansing as when I use a cleanser + cloth (mainly because I wear a full face of makeup and normally do a 2 step cleanse, so that’s a lot of damage to put on one disposable cloth), I do like that it can take off stubborn eyeliner and matte liquid lipsticks - which can be hard for traditional cleansing cloths to do. Also, my skin doesn’t feel dry and chafed afterwards.

5. Nature Republic Super Aqua Max Soft Peeling Gel (purchased)

If you’re a long time TAB reader, you know my holy grail of exfoliators is Cure Aqua Gel. But, over the last year I have been branching out to other brands, and Nature Republic does a great job of creating a less visual version of a top notch exfoliator. And by that I mean, you don’t get the gross white beads of skin. Whereas Cure’s exfoliator is a bit more liquid based, Nature Republic’s has a granular texture and is truly a stiffer gel. But most importantly, I instantly feel the results on my skin after washing it off. The only thing I don’t love is that this definitely has fragrance in it. It’s not intense, but if you prefer scent free skincare, this isn’t for you.

6. Erborian Waterlock Bamboo Moisture Mask (gifted)

I love that this mask can pull double duty as either an everyday moisturizer or as a moisture pack depending on how much you apply. I’ve definitely used this moisturizer as a traditional moisturizer after the cleansing step as well as a sleep pack where I add other light oils like my rose oil to give it a bit more longevity. What I love is that this gel, although lightweight, has some serious staying power. And although the packaging doesn’t say, I strongly suspect that the soft gel consistency is due to a healthy amount of aloe vera (plus it smells heavily of aloe).

7. Kevyn Aucoin Neo-Blush (gifted)

Now, it’s no secret that I’m a huge fan of Kevyn Aucoin. But I do love this Neo-Blush which are basically ombre blushes with a hint of shimmer. The team at KA sent me their entire Neo-Blush collection but my personal favorite is the Sunset shade. (And P.S. if KA’s Neo-Blush is outside of your budget, NYX Cosmetics’ ombre blush is a great budget friendly dupe) The KA blush is perfectly milled and doesn’t settle into fine lines. Meanwhile, the color payoff is fantastic and lasts all day.

8. Kevyn Aucoin Neo-Elixir Weightless Beauty Oil (gifted)

Now this tri-layer beauty oil is a serious game changer whether you use it for just a skincare tool or as a pre or post makeup application tool - it seriously pulls double duty. I love that this oil is a lightweight and scent friendly castor oil based concoction. If you’ve stayed away from castor oil because of its heaviness and strong scent, you’ve got to try the Neo-Elixir. Unlike straight castor oil which can be too heavy for daytime use, this one is mixed with other oils that creates a durable oil that lasts all day without feeling greasy. Now, the website suggests you can use it as a post-makeup step to give yourself a dewy look - I don’t do that. I use it as a regular skincare oil and on occasion if my skin is super dry, as a pre-makeup step. I just don’t do “dewy” because it’s easy to err and mistakenly end up in greasy territory.

9. IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Foundation Tinted Moisturizer in Deep (gifted)

Now everyone knows that my current favorite foundation is NYX Cosmetics Total Control Drop Foundation in Deep Sable. I’ve been using it for over a year now almost exclusively. But when the weather gets really warm, a strong foundation isn’t always high on my list of must haves. And it ended up that a few weeks ago I was in North Carolina during an early pre-summer heat wave. Every day was 90+ degrees. So, I had to find something that would help to even out some skin tone issues I’m having while not being too heavy. The tinted moisturizer does the trick in that department. Another bonus is that even though this contains SPF 50, it doesn’t stink. Full disclosure, I’m not 100% in love with this tinted moisturizer for the following reasons:

This moisturizer can easily verge on a greasy finish if you don’t use a setting powder. The amount of shine you get on this moisturizer from the minute you apply if you don’t know how to finesse it can be a turn off for some people. When I use this foundation, I have to use my Laura Mercier setting powder to tone down the shine otherwise I look like I’ve been sweating.

IT Cosmetics often falls into the brown foundation pitfalls of veering on orangish tones. In my case, it works out because for super warm weather it compliments my inevitable tan. But in the winter months I’d be hard pressed to want to use this because it’s so orange.

Deep is the darkest shade they offer so anyone darker than me has sadly been ignored in the shade range.

10. ELF Cosmetics Beauty Shield Daily Defense Makeup Spray (gifted)

So, this was also something I’ve come to love when I’m traveling. For me, this spray pulls double duty. Normally when I’m home, I spritz my foundation and concealer brushes before applying product so that I can create a soft touch flawless finish. But the spray I normally use is in a huge container and isn’t practical for when I’m traveling. So, this smaller alternative is ideal to keep the flawless finish without taking up too much space in my travel makeup kit. I love that the spray is even and not too forceful. Additionally, it is a great spritz for when I’m done with my makeup. Now in a head to head with my Skindinavia makeup setting spray, no this will not be as intense as that because ELF focuses more on hydration whereas Skindinavia ends with a slight sticky finish to lock in the makeup. But again, I took this with me to North Carolina a few weeks ago and my makeup stayed in place during the heat wave.

Full disclosure: I’m a brand ambassador for Kevyn Aucoin, IT Cosmetics, Pixi Beauty, Erborian and ELF Cosmetics. Occasionally I post affiliate links so I may receive compensation on some of my posts.

[wendynerdwrites]

Meta Repost Project: Fandom Studies and the Personal Favorite White Boy

(note, this is an article I originally posted on therainbowhub and fandomfollowing two years ago but has been lost to caches and bad decisions on my art. Here it is again, non-caches and in full. This article has some errors and is out of date, but I wanted to preserve the original even if it is flawed. It works well as a reference and I may add/alter it again, but I wanted to post is and have it here, untouched, first)

This one’s gonna hurt…

Personal Favorite White Boy (n.): A (usually white) male character who can commit acts ranging from “pretty damn douchey” to “outright atrocities”, but is constantly defended by or stanned for by a furious fan base who will go to any lengths to excuse their actions and vilify critics. A male fave who is portrayed as a precious cinnamon roll who are only ever victims and heroes, and anyone who says differently is evil or illiterate. Who will have their fangirls who “understand” them furiously warp their characters, outright ignore their flaws, and attack anyone who points out anything remotely negative about their faves. Any woman who rejects them is an evil bitch, as is anyone who dares to hold them accountable for their actions. Everything they do is justifiable due to past abuse, “true love”, or a protective instinct. The figure from which Draco in Leather Pants, along with other modern fandom tropes, has spawned.

Fifty Shades of Grey fans will dox you online for saying Christian Grey is an abusive stalker despite the fact that he tracks a woman through her cellphone and uses faux-BDSM to hurt his wife for the crime of going out for drinks with a friend.

Twilight fans will lose their shit if you point out how not-okay it is that Edward Cullen took a piece of Bella Swan’s car engine out to keep her from going to see Jacob. Or if you make the point that Jacob forcing a kiss on Bella is, in fact, sexual assault.

You’re a total simpleton if you think that Thomas Raith from the Dresden Files is rapist. Sure, he uses magic to compel humans into having sex with him, but he acknowledges he’s a monster and also consent doesn’t matter to vampires! He’s a hero because he feels bad about it. Can’t you just understand context?!

If you dare to mention that you’re not supposed to stand with Ward (or you get shot in the head because he’s a traitorous neo-Nazi rapist), some Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. fans will want your blood.

Finn Collins from The 100 has great hair and calls the lead female character Clarke “Princess”, but he also killed nearly twenty unarmed men, women, and children. That makes him a war criminal and the Grounders wanting him dead as an offering to insure their peace treaty (the one that will likely insure the safety and health of hundred, if not thousands of innocents) is pretty reasonable. As is how the lead character, Clarke, stabbed Finn to spare him a torturous death. But some fans of The 100 insist that Clarke is “a bitch” for doing this and not killing Grounder leader Lexa— even though that would surely result in the deaths of everyone she’s ever loved.

…I know, right? It’s maddening. How much media utterly idolizes men even if they’re shits? Or at the very least problematic?

These men— the Grant Wards, the Spikes, the Finn Collinses, the Tyrion Lannisters, the Edward Cullens—- are the Personal Favorite White Boys, and they get psychotic fandom defenses more passionate than anything. These PFWBs will be absolved of anything— be it rape, abuse, massacres, mistakes that lead to the violent deaths and starvation of thousands— by certain fans with defenses going from “He was abused as a child” to “He cried once.”

Which brings us to the first prong of my theory regarding the rabid Personal Favorite White Boy Defense phenomenon: male characters in media, agency, and our changing views of what we view as acceptable and unacceptable.

First, there are the roles of female characters in stories, and how the primary actors or aggressors in most stories are men.

Men were almost always the active players. Even in stories that feature main female protagonists, such as Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, those main female characters are so passive to the point of unconsciousness— and need to be saved by men in the form of what is considered modern day sexual assault.

But men were the primary agents, the true heroes, and so they had actions that could be judged for good or ill– choices they actually made. Whereas even the females’ characters choices were usually framed as a thing they did because “they couldn’t help it.” Still utterly passive, with no agency. So there is no instinct to defend female romantic leads in text much because there was never a real need. Even when they were objectively messed up people, they were always framed as a prize and their flaws had more to do with them being weak and dependent than letting us see their own choices and real motivations— think Daisy Buchanan (who was awful, but very much built up simply as an object rather than a person). So there simply has never been much encouragement for men to feel like they need to justify their fictional crushes. Once a woman did something bad, it was done. She was just bad. But she was always, always passive and always an object. There are some exceptions, of course, but often even those stories are altered or ignored. Compare and contrast how the stories of Joseph and his coat of many colors or David defeating Goliath are well known and publicized. Meanwhile few people could tell you much of Judith, who saved the Hebrew people by slaying the Assyrian general Holofernes.

In modern media, we’ve improved by increasing the actions of female protagonists, but in a world where the ratio of male to female characters in mainstream film is 2:1 and The Bechdel Test actually has to be a thing, we’re still used to having women as non-entities.

And that’s the narrative tradition we have. So while we can up female agency, men are pretty much NEVER without agency, even in woman-centric media unless it’s aimed at little girls. Men are still very often the heroes, the aggressors, the people who take active part in everything and have real choices to examine. And since we’re encouraging more progressive views, it means that arguing of the morality regarding men becomes far more complicated and nuanced.

Look at the changing views of characters like John Harker or Heathcliff, or any Byronic hero. Once they were an ideal, but now that our lens has changed, particularly when it comes to romantic/sexual matters, heroes get challenged in a new way, and are challenged to their potential romantic audience— primarily women. So the pressure is on the women to justify their fictional romances.

As said before, we’re used to, and comfortable with, judging women both fictional and factual. Women are encouraged to defend men, and expected to do it now with the rapidly changing social views that we have. And unfortunately, while the complex issues of things like personal autonomy, consent, and justice have been progressing, there are many people who are still woefully uneducated about certain issues. For instance, when I wrote in a blog post how in the A Song of Ice and Firebooks, the character of Tyrion Lannister molests his crying, terrified, twelve-year-old POW of a bride, I had a very sweet teenage reader go, “Wait, Tyrion rapes Sansa WTF???” When I replied that no, I said he molests her, the young woman asked, “Wait, are molestation and rape not the same thing?” She seemed pretty happy to learn this, even though she, like all other young people out there, deserve to have learned this at a much younger age.

We still have a ton of women these days who don’t know that sexual assault encompasses more than rape, that consent can be revoked, and are still heavily influenced by rape culture and sexist ideals. People who still think it’s not abuse unless the boyfriend gives his girlfriend a black eye. Who don’t understand that S&M is meant to be built upon clear, informed consent and communication.

So as a result, when you point out to someone that taking apart Bella Swan’s car engine totally qualifies as abuse, you have many fangirls who are shocked and furious. To them, domestic abusers are drunken stepfathers in wife beaters breaking bones, not well-dressed, sophisticated, “protective” Edward Cullen.

When you say that Christian Grey is an abuser since he manipulates ridiculously-innocent and ignorant Anastasia Steele into a “BDSM” relationship and continues it even after it’s confirmed that she doesn’t understand concepts like butt plugs and orgasm denials, then shames her for using the  safe word (which is, like, a totally normal thing to use), they become enraged.

When you mention Damon Salvatore raped someone, the response is often, “But she expressed interest in sleeping with him! They flirted!”

Now, everyone is happy to judge women, but rarely to ever examine their choices. Those judgments have always been simple: Virgin/Whore.

There’s never been any sort of need for men to try and justify their romantic choices, partly because heroines were so bland so often, portrayed as objects not people, and you can’t really examine the morality of an object that doesn’t make real decisions. Whereas male characters have historically always had agency.

But men aren’t objects. They are the people who, historically, have controlled the world in really messed up ways and we’re coming to realize that. So women will have put emotional stock in a character, and now are pressured to examine a male character’s choices in a way that men haven’t really had to, especially not through a lens of characters they find attractive.

For instance, guys will talk your ear off about how much Bella Swan from Twilight sucks, but were they ever in a position to get emotionally attached or attracted to her? No. Female characters are either identifiable with women or just titillation or prizes for men. Bella Swan was never meant to be lusted after or won by a male audience. Whereas women throughout history have been actively encouraged to think of Heathcliff or whomever as a romantic interest, and now that sort of thing is being challenged. Women are encouraged to be on the defensive about their romantic/sexual feelings, and that is their default setting.

Let’s face it: throughout history, those things that have been viewed as appealing to women, especially young women, are often denigrated and seen as “lesser” pieces of art than those marketed or made by men.

Sure, the word “fan” originally comes from the word “fanatic”, but that seems to only get recognized when women are involved. Male fans are just that— fans. Female fans are half-fan, half “lun-ATIC.” And no amount of football riots, soccer riots,hockey riots, or actual history will do much to dissuade people of this idea.

When Elvis Presley and The Beatles took over the popular consciousness, much was made of their legions of screaming fans— most of them young women. These “Beatlemaniacs” were a joke, a joke which ended up extending to the band itself.

Today, The Beatles are seen as one of the most important, artistically capable, and revolutionary musical acts of all time. Whereas before, during the height of Beatlemania, critics were quick to make snide remarks about their lack of artistic merit. “Is this the King’s English?”, one snide reporter wrote. They were seen as nothing but mop-topped sex symbols…

…Right.

Indeed, fangirls have had to defend their media preferences for a very, very long time– just as much for modern media as classic works. Plenty of people these days will sneer at a “feminine” love for classic knightly tales of chivalric romance— “All that stupid fairy tale romantic BS. That’s not how it was in the real Middle Ages!”

Granted, it is true that the knight in shining armor trope isn’t exactly historically accurate. But what many people seem to forget was the context under which many of these fairy tales and stories of courtly love were written. These stories were not just written to make naive women soak their petticoats. In fact, many of the codes of romantic chivalry were established by and for men in order to instill a more sustainable and less chaotic way of life for men at arms— a way of giving knights a code in order to keep any guy with a sword from randomly slaughtering and raping everyone he encountered. Indeed, many fairytales and fantasies— from Snow White to Sir Gawain and the Green Knight— were written with the intent of positively influencing and representing the cultures that spawned them; they were not only entertaining and educating their contemporary audiences, but serving as significant historical and social texts for people to study today. “Fairy tales” and myths of knights and ladies have huge academic and intellectual significance to the modern day. And yet, many call it “Fairy tale bullshit.”

As a result of this cultural bias, women just naturally feel the need to automatically be on the defensive about things they like, regardless of the artistic merit of said media. This includes the need to justify almost any sexual/emotional/romantic feeling they have for a male character. Men? Not so much.

We’re just not used to questioning the agency of men. We’re supposed to accept men as heroes and accept what they do “for love.” We have to always make excuses because they’re men being men. Women should be prizes for these men. And we should stand by our men.

Unfortunately, there are changing standards for acceptable behavior. What does and doesn’t count as sexual assault. What does and doesn’t count as stalking. What does and doesn’t count for abuse. What can and can’t be excused on the basis of age or history of abuse. Edward Cullen was “protecting” Bella. Grant Ward was abused as a child. Finn Collins was traumatized and was desperate to find Clarke, who he was in love with. Christian Grey is just into S&M.

Any excuse must and should be found. Or certain actions should just be brushed aside as no big deal, especially if they did it “for love” (often the excuse with Finn Collins defenders).

Now, it’s true that certain Personal Favorite White Boys are in fact characters with complexity. But the strange thing is is how often those very complexities that are praised by fans are in fact erased via white-washing, all while female characters are vilified for infractions as horrible as “crying too much”, “not falling in love with the guy who wanted her”. Tyrion Lannister from A Song of Ice and Fire is a great example (known more popularly by his show counterpart, who has most if not all of the character’s flaws erased… Yeah, the Personal Favorite White Boy can be extended to dudebros like David Benioff and D.B. Weiss making “adaptation” decisions as well). He’s a severely messed up person who has moments of great compassion and courage, but also sometimes does horrible things. This is not because he’s pure evil, but because the man is completely warped. But that does not make excuses, validate, or erase the horrible things he does. They do not make him a good person. Tyrion is still a character with agency, and oftentimes he uses that agency to do awful, awful things.

And if you bring that up, you’re an ableist douchebag who thinks people who have been abused should just “get over” things.How dare you call the man who willingly married a twelve year old POW selfish and sexist! His Dad was the one who offered him that marriage (along with another match as an alternative, with no threats of violence), and his dad has abused him, so therefore Tyrion did no wrong!

Just like Thomas Wraith can’t help hypnotizing people into sex, because he’s a vampire and vampires in the Dresden Files don’t care about consent.

It’s okay as long as he acknowledges that he’s a monster.

Even when a guy is a rapist, neo-nazi terrorist, the fact that his father beat him means #IStandWithWard.

That is not to say that all fans are like this. Nor is it to say that there is something necessarily wrong with having a problematic fave— as long as you acknowledge and don’t try to white-wash these things. There are tons of fanboys and fangirls who are perfectly ready and happy to admit the faults of their characters,  gleefully call them “shitheads”, and examine the issues at play in the media they consume. But unfortunately, the Personal Favorite White Boy phenom is great enough that it sort of sets the stereotype for empty-headed female fandom (which, by the way, is bullshit).

This mentality comes from a strong social background. One in which we are expected to find reasons and explanations for the heinous acts committed by white men. Where the Aurora shooter was described as bullied and mentally ill, and will be nonviolently taken into custody for a life sentence after killing a dozen innocent people; where Jeffrey Dahmer is given due process and only restrained during arrest after killing and eating several people, but Walter Scott is shot point blank for running and 15-year-old Dejerria Becton is forced to the ground because of a noisy pool party.  One where women are not expected to have agency. One where rape culture and bigoted social mores are institutionalized. Where women expected (and are expected) to be judged for everything. Where women in media are sex objects, so there is no urge for the heterosexual males who want her to feel the need to defend her actions or choices. Meanwhile, women are actively encouraged to feel persecuted or defend “their men” no matter what. Where they’re automatically defensive because female audiences are so automatically looked down upon, and where media is being constantly re-examined through a rapidly evolving social lens. Where the issues of sexual assault and consent are so poorly explored and communicated that there are tons of people who still don’t get that hypnotizing people into having sex with you is still rape.

As a result, we’ve produced the culture of #IStandWithWard.

And then there’s just how female fans in general are treated– but that’s a different article.

(This is the first in a series of articles exploring fandom and its idiosyncrasies. Tune in next time, when Wendy deconstructs all the reasons fangirls are so automatically defensive of everything in the first place!)

[potuzzz]

Reddit Comment 1

https://www.reddit.com/r/AntifascistsofReddit/comments/avgf4v/another_question_from_a_conservative/

{{Bold = Link}}

Hello! I made a Reddit account just to answer the 1st part of #2!

Woohoo! Long-ass answer!

Okay, so, one of the really difficult things about the alt-right/modern fascist movements, is that they're really sneaky about their iconography.

Obviously, most sensible Americans know that the Nazi swastika is a horrible symbol, and those who brandish it have a tendency for hatefulness, racism/sexism/homophobia/etc., violent tendencies, etc.

One of the primary goals of the alt-right/modern fascism, is they have to sell their ideology to the general public. It's a slow process. Obviously, you can't jump out the gate, screaming "LYNCH THE BLACKS! GAS THE JEWS!" or everyone will be disgusted with you/not take you seriously/act against you.

Fascist iconography goes a LOT deeper than overt symbols, because they have to keep it covert, both to appear normal to the general public, and to be able to identify each other--a secret handshake, if you will.

Other flags that are essentially synonymous with the Nazi swastika, or worthy of suspicion, include:

- Iron Cross

- Black Sun

- Identity Evropa

- Conderate Flag

- Kekistan

- Flash and Circle

- South Africa's Apartheid Flag

- Flag of Rhodesia (1968–1979)

- AWB Flag

- Celtic Cross

- Wolfsangel

- National Socialist Movement

This is just a few off the top of my head.

Some of these aren't ALWAYS used by fascists/the alt-right/Nazis. The Confederate flag could plausibly be in the ownership of someone who isn't a fascist--or at the very least, subconsciously racist. The Celtic cross has plenty non-fascist history, as does the wolfsangel. The Kekistan flag could also be used by somebody just "trolling" or who is ignorant of what it actually stands for. They also steal a lot of Nordic imagery that I, an ex-pagan, have even used.

You have to kind of play it by ear. Obviously, if I saw some young kid with a Kekistan flag, I would just assume he was ignorant. I tend to also be suspicious of people with a lot of Harley-Davidson iconography, the "biker" look, or even just the "pure southerner" look, but I'm sure there's plenty of bikers and proud southerners who don't subscribe to the ideals of the alt-right.

That being said, if I was in a public place and there were a mob of bikers with Confederate flags, wolfsangels, and Kekistan flags, I would have no doubt in my mind that they'd all be crypto-fascist/fascist sympathizing garbage.

Some other common indicators (especially when combined with racism, homophobia, antisemitism, misogyny, xenophobia, general hatefulness, etc.) of a member of the alt-right include:

- Pepe the Frog / frog-related memes, emojis, etc.

- The "ok" hand emoji

- "NPC" meme

-Non-ironically using words or phrases such as: cuck, libtard, soyboy, white-guilt, virtue-signaling, race-traitor, cultural-Marxism, White Genocide, red-pilled, based, SJW, beta, 1488 or just 88, JQ, HH, six million/six trillion/six gorillian, goy/goyim, oy vey, ((( ))) (known as "echoes," there's usually someone's name inside the parentheses), anti-white, kek, rapefugees, "We Wuz Kangz" or "dindu nuffin," (correctly) asserting that the world is run by a tiny minority of corporate elites but wrongly assuming they're all Jews (it's some sort of "Zionist plot"), Soros, the liberal elite, the Deep State Dems, talking of white oppression or the disappearance of the white race or Western culture, "Jews/Blacks/etc. will not replace us," "blood and soil," talking of an "ethnostate," saying shit like "America for Americans," etc.

-Calling yourself euphemisms such as "identitarian," "race realist," "nationalist" or "white nationalist," "ethno-nationalist," "racialist," "white nativist," or the like.

Now, it would be ridiculous if I screamed "NAZI" everytime somebody used the "ok" hand emoji, a frog emoji, posted a meme with Pepe or NPC, or said cuck or beta. Part of the gaslighting tactics used by the alt-right/fascists is to make you seem like you're on a witch-hunt, being overly analytical or intolerant.

Example:

Say I had a Twitter profile. I say lots of crypto-fascist things.

Maybe I tweet "I want jobs to be protected from immigrants" (which might secretly mean: I hate Mexicans and Muslims) Maybe I tweet, "I think Western culture should be protected" (which might secretly mean: I hate non-white foreigners, I don't want them dirtying American culture with their inferior cultures) Maybe I tweet "I hate stupid cucks always virtue-signalling on Twitter" (which might secretly meas: people defending minorities from attacks are spineless queers who do it because it's a fad)

Nobody can call me out on any of this, or risk looking like an overly-sensitive witch-hunter. If you accuse me of racism, I'll say, "What the fuck are you talking about? It's not like I said the n-word. It's not like I said "gas the Jews." You libtards call anyone to the right of Karl Marx a Nazi these days, huh?"

The idea is to erode confidence in the anti-fascist and social justice movements. Make them all look like paranoid, violent, intolerant loonies.

And maybe, just maybe, I have an "ok" hand emoji in my Twitter username--and so do a lot of guys saying similar stuff as me. But if I'm called out on it? "Pfft. Seriously? You SJWs are going after emojis now? When will the witch-hunt end?"

To cover your questions #1, part two of #2, and #3:

#1. Fascists and the alt-right have an ongoing campaign to make it look like the Christian, straight white male is under attack to lure members. This is mostly untrue.

I have absolutely nothing against Christians, but I will criticize,denounce, and resist a Christian if they're being a bigot. I myself am a straight white male, and have nothing against other straight white males, and my best friend is a straight white male. However, I will criticize, denounce, and resist a straight person, white person, or a man if they're being a bigot. Plain and simple. You'll notice that the alt-right movement is largely straight, white, and male. This is because it is a white supremacy movement, not because straight white men are oppressed, disappearing, or under systemic attack. Social justice activists who say things like "fuck all men" or "all white people are garbage" or the like, in my opinion, are just hateful individuals, not indicative of the social justice / anti-fascist movement as a whole. That being said, if a criticism is fair, it's fair.

Part two of #2: Antifa is not a centralized group, so there's technically no "rules." If a person wants to punch someone they're certain is a Nazi, that's their own decision. I personally believe that it can harm the movement, and I'm naturally a pacifist. However, if somebody is trying to spread an ideology that calls for division, racial hierarchy, hatred, anti-intellectualism, genocide, and just straight up not having human empathy, then maybe they deserved to be punched. Violent antifascist individuals are simply willing to stop the most toxic movement on the planet, by any means necessary, even force.

#3. The end goal of fascism is violence and oppression, on a massive scale, against those not on the "in-group." The in-group currently is typically seen today as any white people. How long until it's only heterosexuals? How long until women aren't equal anymore, either? How long until the Irish, the Italians, and the Slavs aren't "white enough?" The in-group in the fascism hierarchy naturally grows more and more exclusive.

When someone is pushing an ideology that has this sort of end goal, it's not a matter of whether I disagree with them or not. It's whether I want this world to be dominated by what is a force of death, hatred, and destruction.

I'm pro-choice, strongly, but I wouldn't hinder a pro-lifer in a way that I would hinder a Nazi. I wouldn't hinder someone who has a bad taste in music, or who voted Republican, or who says the Earth is flat, or who's libertarian, or conservative, or who has fundamentally different religious/spiritual beliefs than me. The alt-right / fascist movement, in my opinion, is the most dangerous thing, and cannot be handled with kid gloves. Their ideology encourages violence and oppression, so their words must be treated like violence and oppression. It sounds a little pre-emptive, but I promise, fascism is a one-way trip to hellish scenarios for 99.9% of humanity.

The alt-right / neo-fascist movements are the BIGGEST obstacles that defend the ultra-rich, the corporate hegemony, and the military-industrial-intelligence complex that sows death, destruction, and misery worldwide. They're the unwitting little brother that defends an older brother, something far more dangerous and sinister. Without these sort of movements, the peoples of the world--of ALL races, sexes, sexualities, non-destructive ideologies and creed, walks-of-life and backgrounds, nationalities, and religious beliefs--ALL would be able to band together and change the universally oppressive, unjust, unfair system that we all live under.

In summary, when asking whether someone's a Nazi or not, there's plenty of small, easy-to-miss indicators that make up a bigger picture. You have to make a judgement call. If the person seems carefully bigoted, uses a lot of the language, or uses a lot of the crpto-fascist imagery, they're probably fascist. You have to know when you're dealing with an unwitting neutral person, but you can't be afraid to call a Nazi a Nazi, even if they've never thrown a Nazi salute, flown a swastika, or yelled "HEIL HITLER!"

Not everybody who voted for Donald Trump was a fascist--Hillary Clinton is a piece of garbage, too--but a MAGA hat, or otherwise being a BIG fan of Trump, is an indicator to me as well.

I hope this has helped, any and all questions are welcome. I see you said you're not from the U.S. so I apologize for jargon, idioms, etc. Also for getting lazy with the links after a bit lol.

Compassion and reason!

[terenceblanchard]

Art has to be a kind of Confession

The poet James Baldwin once said that “Art has to be a kind of confession.” He was referring not to a gossipy type of confession but the type of expression that emanates from examining ones life. Examination allows the artist an opportunity to not only face their life but to also discover the terms that connects them to the lives of others.  It is this artistic expression, born from examination, that allows the audience to discover themselves through your art. It may seem complicated but mostly it’s a natural unforced process.  I have traveled and performed across the world and I’ve met and connected with people from all walks of life. I recently performed a concert and participated in a panel discussion on the role of music in the Civil Rights movement with the acclaimed New York Times columnist Charles Blow in Little Rock, Arkansas.  Soon after, I received a poignant letter from Tim, a gentlemen who was in the audience that evening. He shared with me his thoughts on my remarks and how the concert had sparked an exploration into the role of music in his own personal journey through life.  With Tim’s permission, I am sharing our correspondences that illustrate Baldwin’s point that Art is a confession.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Dear Terence, 

I feel compelled to write you after spending two evenings in your company in Little Rock in April. I attended the discussion with Charles Blow at Mosaic Templars and the show the following night at South on Main. I was lucky (and motivated) enough to sit up front for both events, and I’m grateful to have had the opportunity. I started this letter back then and shelved it, but I’ve continued to give my experience a lot of thought so I finished it this morning.

Those experiences were compelling for a number of reasons. Only a week prior to your visit to Arkansas, the local PBS station aired a documentary, Dream Land, about Taborian Hall. That historic ballroom is the last standing monument to the all-but-obliterated 9thStreet district, once the epicenter of African-American culture in Arkansas.   A few days later, as we sat in the Mosaic Templars building –a replica of the other cornerstone to the 9th Street district- I was struck by some superficial commonalities between us, along with a vast dichotomy of experience.

You mentioned your father. You and I are less than a year apart in age. You said your father was 40 years your senior. So was mine. Our fathers were born in 1922 and 1923. Your father and mine lived through the depression and the war. Both were southerners and lived through the Jim Crow era. You mentioned his love of opera. My father loved opera, too, and his passion for it helped instill the love of music in me.

Your story of your father being moved to tears because he was able to gain entry into the hotel ballroom where he once worked as a busboy hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, if my father had been able to afford entry into that ballroom in the 1930’s, 40’s or 50’s, he could have walked right in.

My father was a product of his time and place. He was a racist. A bigot. My father would have called your father “boy,” or worse. He used the N—word at the supper table and decried Dr. King as a troublemaker. He mocked the civil rights movement and expressed admiration for the alleged honor in the heritage of the confederacy. All of this despite being an educated, cultured, intelligent, and religious man.

And of course, my father raised me to be a racist, a bigot.

Unlearning is a hard thing. Our biases simplify a complex world and give cold comfort to unexamined ideas. But, as a child of the baby boom, I was quick to challenge my parents. In my early teens, mine was simply unfocused adolescent rebellion, but I was quick to question their values in many ways, just as they questioned mine. By the late 70’s, hair and music were no longer points of contention for many of my friends’ parents. But in my house, long hair was for sissies and the rock music I loved was “noise.” Or worse, it was overtly African to them. I pushed back against that bias with righteous indignation. 

I didn’t know any black people until 1979, when I was 16 years old and my family returned to the Little Rock area from Texas. I made friends with a few black kids at school but mostly the races kept to their own. But my youthful worldview wasn’t shaken so much by my peers as it was on a spring night in 1979 by a 67-year-old black man from the Mississippi Delta.

Since I was a small child I have been obsessed with listening to music. I listened to what my older brothers listened to –Beatles, Stones, and Led Zeppelin- plus lots of singer-songwriters. The older I got, the more diverse my tastes became. But, in the late 70’s I was all about rock music, and most music by black artists was, in my opinion, “disco.” And disco sucked, as the saying went. (My love for soul, funk, and jazz were still many years away.)

In the spring of 1979, Eric Clapton came to Pine Bluff, Arkansas, about 50 miles from my teenage home. I knew a little bit of his music, and I yearned to experience live music more than almost anything. My chances had been few, so I was eager for this show. I had never heard of the opening band. Our carload of friends arrived early, before the doors opened. We were first in line and bolted for the standing room in front of the stage, pressing into the barricade at the center of the stage. We waited. Then, when the lights went down I was standing 10 feet from Muddy Waters.

I had never heard anything like it in my life. The music was primal, propulsive, and sexual, with a rhythmic energy that connected with me in a way I still feel. Of course, Muddy Waters was a veteran performer who commanded the stage with huge charisma and professionalism. I was shaken to my core.

Eric who? Today, I really don’t remember much about Clapton’s set but I recall “She’s Nineteen Years Old,” “I’ve Got My Mojo Workin,” and “Manish Boy” vividly.

The music reverberated. I bought a Muddy Waters record immediately, and proceeded to wear it out. My mother, who had endured my phases with the likes Kiss and Ted Nugent, was freshly aghast. Listening to the blues was beyond rebellious, it was proof that I was somehow defective! She told me how she and her friends had laughed at the men who played music like that when she was growing up. Unlike some of the (in retrospect, admittedly bad) music she had criticized, Muddy Waters struck a different nerve.

There I was, left to reconcile the fact that I felt immediately, intimately connected to the blues. I was yet ignorant to the history and influence this music shared with my little record collection. I formed a relationship with the music, just as I had with the Beatles, and Paul Simon, and a list of sundry FM radio staples. How then, would I square what I felt and knew with what I had learned in my racist household? I could not separate the humanity of the artist from the art. TS Eliot said “poetry communicates before it is understood.” Somehow the blues was telling me about myself. Then, as now, I experienced art as sense of connection. A 67-year-old black man from Mississippi by way of Chicago had grabbed a middle class suburban white teenager by the soul.

That experience was singular, but of course my journey through the rejection of the bigotry in my upbringing was much longer and more complicated. I had more soul-searching to do. In the process of growing up, another event stands out.

Fast-forward a few years. I had just completed my freshman year in college. A friend and I heard that there was to be a KKK rally in east Arkansas. We were morbidly curious and decided to go and “protest.” We dressed in our neo-hippy finery so our presence couldn’t be construed as support. We arrived to a soybean field in McCrory, Arkansas –the middle of nowhere, really- where 50 or so heavily armed men had gathered. We were scared shitless. We stood at the edge, silently listening and watching.

They were pathetic.

I expected to somehow tell those people how wrong they were. I expected to hate them. As revolting as their ideas were, I felt something like compassion for them, seeing that they were, in their way, victims of their own circumstances. I saw ignorant, poor, uneducated people parroting simple-minded bigotry with a thin veneer of patriotism and religion. Later, when I related this story to my father, he told me something that haunts me to this day. He said that his grandparents, who raised him, were supporters of the Klan, and “probably would have agreed with everything they said.” It chilled me to the bone. I was revolted by this connection to the past, but revulsion doesn’t sever the tie. Those bigots in the bean field were my people.

I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t get to choose my parents. We don’t get to choose our history. I loved my parents, for all of their faults. It doesn’t excuse their bigotry to say that they were victims of their own histories, and for whatever reason they never experienced a profound change of heart, or if they did I never knew it. 

I don’t know what changes other people’s hearts. Mine changed over time, with education, experience, open-mindedness, and a moral clarity I’ve tried to nurture. And, it’s all got a soundtrack. Music has changed me for the better in many ways, sometimes uncomfortably so. 

Your set at South on Main has stayed with me for three months now. I can’t unpack it, but it resonates in the deepest ways possible, conjuring the chaos, anger, and conflict of the troubled days we live in. Amid the dissonance, I also found sweetness and comfort there. Just like a kid hearing the blues for the first time, I was rattled to the bone.

I get to take that with me. Your music is a gift; I thank you for it with the deepest sincerity. 

Tim 

Little Rock, AR.

Thursday, Jul 13, 2017

Hi Tim

I need to thank you for your letter. Its power and grace has filled my heart with the belief that love wins out every time, overtime. Your experiences with your father are not unlike mine in some respects. My father wasn't a racist, but his views on some issues were skewed by life experiences, which could be a bit outdated. The thing that I loved about my father though was his willingness to allow me to argue with him on various topics from music to politics. His major thing was always "make your point." That approach has allowed me to be corrected on issues from time to time by my own kids today. Lol!!!

I really appreciate your openness and candor about your life. It's a window into the daily struggles we all have to face in our own backyards before we have to face the world. Those moments of being confronted with your own truth. Thank you so much for sharing.

If you don't mind, I'd love to post this letter without your name if that makes you feel safe? It needs to be out there for all to see, feel, hear, and debate.

Thanks for the moment in time this morning that gives me hope for our shared future.

Terence

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[how2to18]

IN HIS 1985 ALBUM, Southern Accents, Tom Petty attempted to make a concept album about the South. But what was intended as a masterpiece ultimately failed. Michael Washburn, in his first book, also titled Southern Accents, argues that we can glean significant cultural understanding from Petty’s failure. Flawed from the beginning, Petty’s narrow vision of the South was all white and deeply embedded in nostalgia for the Lost Cause. I spoke to Washburn, a native of Kentucky, shortly after his own failure to complete a 74-mile ultramarathon through the mountains of North Georgia. We discussed Tom Petty’s ambitions for Southern Accents, the enduring visual language and ideology of the Confederacy, and Washburn’s own Southern heritage.

¤

CONNOR GOODWIN: Which track from Southern Accents should readers listen to before we get into the interview?

MICHAEL WASHBURN: If I’m being honest, I might say none. [Laughs.] If you were going to approach Southern Accents and see the best of what the record had to offer, I would say one of two songs. The most popular song on the record and one of Petty’s most popular songs in his entire career is “Don’t Come Around Here No More.” But if you wanted to see what he was going for, when it came down to his aspiration for a Southern concept record, listen to the title record, “Southern Accents.”

As you mentioned, Petty wanted Southern Accents to be a concept album and you argue that the significance of this album lies in its failure. What did Petty want to accomplish with Southern Accents, and how exactly did the album fail?

I think there’re a couple of different ways to answer this. If you want to look at Petty as rock star, [he was] tired of what he’d been doing up until that point. He’d been on this decade-long record, tour, record, tour cycle. The record before Southern Accents, Long After Dark, had not been as large a commercial hit as people had anticipated or expected from him. And [Petty] thought he was starting to sound the same. So partially Petty was trying to vie for artistic legitimacy and make this big bold move to be considered a Springsteen-like force. Someone who could paint on a broad canvas with more vibrant colors.

From Petty’s perspective, for reasons aesthetic and narcotic, the conceptual frame of an album about the South didn’t end up making sense when he released it. There are a core of songs that fit the Confederate, sorry, Southern theme. But then he hooked up with this guy Dave Stewart and they cooked up “Don’t Come Around Here No More” and some other stinkers that fractured what little coherence there was to an album about the South.

Why that record’s failure is important today is the cultural assumptions embedded in what Petty’s South was. Petty’s vision of the South was flawed from the beginning for two reasons. His vision of the South was the white South. And his South, however unconsciously it might have been, was deeply indebted to the sociologically sophisticated theory of the Lost Cause of the Confederacy. I’m not saying at any point that Tom Petty is a racist, [but] I am saying that he effectively made a neo-Confederate record. And, even if you don’t want to go that far with me, he did make a record about the South that effectively denies the existence of African-American people in the South, which is not a record about the South.

I’m not so naïve to say that there is one South. He made a record about one guy’s South and that one guy’s South was indebted to the Lost Cause. I think a lot of people who want to read about Petty don’t think about this stuff all that often. Unlike Springsteen [who] has all this love for the working class, and is therefore read as some sort of chronicler or bard of the working class, Petty is often overlooked as someone who wasn’t influenced by cultural currents and the archaeology of American frailty and failure. But that’s just not true. The reason he made these mistakes and is so indebted to the Confederacy is because he was a kid from the South.

When Petty goes on tour, he “doubles down” on the “Southern mystique” and uses Confederate imagery on stage. What are some examples of that coming into play, and why do you think he had that response if he was frustrated while recording the album and dissatisfied with the album?

I think he probably wasn’t — and I know from the guys in the band that I spoke to — [they] were not immediately dissatisfied with the final product. They became quickly dissatisfied with it, but it was a matter of months, not minutes. I know that Petty had deep frustration with certain tracks. This is famously the record where he shattered his hand because he was so frustrated. When Petty was done with the project, he was somewhat satisfied with it as some kind of coherent document.

In the press after the fact, sometimes he would play up the fact that it was a concept record or sometimes he would play this down and jettison the concept. The further he got away from the record, the more he talked about having this random idea that he never intended to fully stick with.

There are several reasons why I don’t believe that. A lot of that is just the convenience of the way his story changes as he moves away from [the record] and it gets more and more critical disregard. But if you look at the way he then totally adopted the trappings of the Confederacy and the plantation South in his stage set-up, it shows this was a doubling down. Petty was not a guy who let other people call the shots. When I spoke to the art director of the record, he told me that the Confederate flag used on the tour book and on interior of the original LP was Petty’s personal flag. [Petty] stressed that he wanted this to be the design element of the record, and that blended over into the tour.

The stage had these marble columns, like a plantation house. Specifically, in a song called “Rebels,” the first on the record, a big electric Confederate Battle Flag lit up behind them. It’s a creepy Ra-Ra moment. You can see that if you get your hands on a copy of the live concert film they made during the tour called Pack Up the Plantation: Live!. It’s been excised from YouTube, but you can see on YouTube this moment where he takes off his topcoat and the lining of his coat is a Confederate flag.

He doubled down on the worst aspects of it. Picking up a Battle Flag — that really seems to be motivated and is deeply problematic.

Was there any critical reception of the Southern Accents at the time of its release? Not in terms of the music, but of Petty dredging up Confederate imagery.

I’ve read every magazine and newspaper clipping that I could find about Petty and the decade surrounding this record and there was very little mention of it. Places like the Houston Chronicle would say something like, Keeping true to Petty’s rebel roots, there’s a battle flag and faux plantation trappings. More often it was just glossed over. The most notable person who brought it up was Peter Buck of R.E.M., who is also from the South and basically said, You have to be an idiot to think this was an acceptable thing to do in modern America, to drive around the country touring with the Battle Flag. And then there was a coalition of African-American artists who made public statements denouncing both the title of the live recording, Pack Up the Plantation, and the tour itself.

This book is not just music criticism, it’s also cultural commentary and personal reflection. In the course of writing this book, what did you learn about yourself and your Southern heritage as a white man from Kentucky?

I think it’s fair to say that, to some extent, I am the data for a lot of the argument. Part of this book is rock ’n’ roll stories of the record, part of it is the Confederacy and the way the Lost Cause lingers in American memory. I had known that a lot of that ran in my veins being a kid from Kentucky. In dumb ways, like Dukes of Hazzard or when playing war I always pretended I was in a gray uniform.

There’s a moment where I’m in Virginia, off the Chesapeake Bay, and I’m sitting in this cemetery that has little Confederate parade flags on the graves of soldiers who died during the war. As I’m thinking about it, I had this moment of deep reverence for all the loss and, if you’re from the South, living under this yoke of defeat, that you would want to find some way to redeem all this stupid lost life. And that revelry was really just because I’m a Southern white dude. It’s all part of this big historical nostalgic complex that was deeply embedded within me. And I knew that it was in me, because I’m not a dummy, but I had never really felt it viscerally. If the book is going to matter to anyone, there’s a lot of people, even in the book, who say, [regarding] the Confederate Flag, that it was a different time or we didn’t know any better at the time. Except, no, white people didn’t know better.

Reading about your visit to the graveyard in Virginia reminded me of Rachel Kaadzi Ghansah’s Pulitzer-winning portrait of the white supremacist terrorist Dylann Roof, who you also write about. She details how Roof, in the weeks leading up to the killing of nine Black people at the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, visited “historical sites related to slavery and Confederate history, and practice runs to Mother Emanuel.”

You write that Tom Petty, in trying to work back some of the nostalgia he had for the South, would later perform “Rebels” as a “muted, solo acoustic number thereby stripping the song of its mood of glory.” Do you think there’s a way to also strip historical sites associated with Confederate history of their sense of glory? 

I don’t think you can look at Tom Petty’s defanging of “Rebels” and use that as a model for the rectification of Confederate monuments because they are a different medium. The performance of the song carries the meaning. The difference in medium isn’t that tricky, but the question you’re asking is. I’m thinking of Richmond, Virginia, and Monument Avenue and there’s such martial ferocity in these statues and there’s not really another way to interpret it. So I want to say they should be taken down.

After an event I did with the philosopher Christopher Lebron, I was in a conversation with him where Calhoun College at Yale was brought up. And he said these things could stand if they could be converted into monuments of our shame. I found that really striking, but I also find that impossible. I don’t see how all these things can be effectively converted into monuments of shame. That’s just going to create more reaction. So my position would be, and it’s not a very nuanced position, but it’s that most of this stuff needs to come down.

You point out that the conversation around the visual language of the Confederacy has shifted from the Battle Flag to public monuments. What accounts for that shift?

I feel like the reason the conversation has moved from flag to monument is because there is more plasticity around the flag. It’s easier to get away with saying, “This flag means this to me,” as opposed to a statue of Robert E. Lee. I also think the people rallying for this stuff, I don’t want to say they have a more sophisticated understanding, but it seems like there’s a bigger emphasis on mechanisms of power. Statues are almost always endorsed by governments and municipal sites, right? That is more of an affront to democratic flourishing than some yahoo who wants to put a Battle Flag in the window of his truck. I think that accounts for some of that transition. I don’t know if that’s right, but that feels right to me.

¤

Connor Goodwin is a writer and critic living in Brooklyn, New York. His writing has appeared in theWashington Post, BOMB Magazine, Modern Painters, Fanzine, X-R-A-Y, and elsewhere.

The post Tom Petty: A Cool, Gray Neo-Confederate? appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books http://bit.ly/2J1wlWg via IFTTT

[harryandmeghan0-blog]

The racist online abuse of Meghan Markle has put royal staff on high alert - FOX61 Hartford

New Post has been published on https://harryandmeghan.xyz/the-racist-online-abuse-of-meghan-markle-has-put-royal-staff-on-high-alert-fox61-hartford/

The racist online abuse of Meghan Markle has put royal staff on high alert - FOX61 Hartford

Racist abuse targeted at the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, increased on Twitter and Instagram in the weeks and months after the announcement of her pregnancy, sources have told CNN.

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The racist online abuse of Meghan Markle has put royal staff on high alert

Racist abuse targeted at the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, increased on Twitter and Instagram in the weeks and months after the announcement of her pregnancy, sources have told CNN.

Britain’s royal family is beefing up its social media operation amid a rise in racist online abuse targeting the Duchess of Sussex in the months after the announcement of her pregnancy, sources have told CNN.

Kensington Palace staff are devoting more resources to deleting comments targeting Meghan, and blocking abusive Twitter and Instagram accounts. Software is being used to filter out the use of the n-word as well as emojis of guns and knives.

As part of the effort, the royal family issued a set of guidelines last week for people engaging with its social media channels.

Separately, the advocacy group Hope Not Hate analyzed a sample of more than 5,000 tweets containing the most commonly used anti-Meghan hashtags. The analysis of the tweets, posted between January and the middle of February, shows that a tight-knit group of accounts is behind much of the trolling.

Twenty accounts were responsible for about 70% of the tweets, sharing anti-Meghan hashtags, pictures and memes. The fact that such a small number of users generated such a large number of the tweets suggests that the accounts were created for the purpose of producing negative content about the duchess, Hope Not Hate said.

The Twitter bios associated with the users typically contained Meghan-related hashtags like #Megxit and #Charlatanduchess, as well as political hashtags like #Brexit and #MAGA (Make America Great Again), sometimes in combination.

Some of the accounts also shared links to far-right websites and social media pundits. Many posts used racial epithets to describe Meghan. However, there is no evidence that the accounts analyzed by Hope Not Hate are part of a far-right campaign against the Duchess.

CNN contacted Twitter and Instagram for comment. Twitter has since suspended a few of the accounts analyzed.

The small group of accounts that troll the duchess often retweet news articles that portray Meghan negatively.

Since Meghan and Prince Harry’s relationship was first revealed by the media in 2016, there have been references in articles to Meghan’s “rich and exotic DNA,” reports that her “family went from cotton slaves to royalty” and claims that the Los Angeles native was “(almost) straight outta Compton,” in a reference to the NWA song.

There was a brief lull in the negative coverage after Prince Harry instructed his spokesperson to issue a statement in November 2016 before the couple married, calling out “the racial undertones of comment pieces and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments.”

Yomi Adegoke, author of Slay in Your Lane: The Black Girl Bible, said Meghan was very much a departure from what most people associate with the British royal family.

“She’s foreign, not just by being American, but she’s got black heritage, she’s a divorcee,” Adegoke said.

“She’s just a very different type of person and somebody that I don’t think your average British member of the public thinks of when they think of the word duchess or royal family at all.”

Much of the trolling exploits the claims of a rift between Meghan and her sister-in-law, the Duchess of Cambridge. Where Kate is lauded by the media for exposing her shoulder in a dress, Meghan is accused by the tabloids of breaking royal protocol for doing similar.

When Meghan wears dark nail polish, the “vulgar fashion move” is criticized for breaking royal protocol “again.” Meanwhile, Kate is said to opt for “subtle” shades more in keeping with the Queen’s preferences.

There is no protocol on nail varnish in the British monarchy.

Type “Meghan” and “Kate” in to Google News and you get reams of eye-popping stories comparing the sisters-in-law based on what the palace says is a manufactured feud.

“It’s just clickbait,” a source close to both duchesses told CNN.

The pressure to produce ever more dramatic headlines to drive traffic is intense, perhaps even more so when it comes to Meghan than when Kate Middleton entered the royal family. Back then, the running theme was how Kate came from working-class roots.

So, is there any truth to the rift? The duchesses were in their 30s when they met, and already had their own established, close-knit groups of friends. And while the pair may not hang out together or call each other regularly, the source tells CNN, they are friendly and they text one another — linked as they are by a common bond.

The alleged rift has also been cited as the reasons Meghan and Harry are moving out of Kensington Palace and plan to establish their own office. But CNN’s source said this is more to do with Harry wanting greater independence, and William needing his own team in preparation for so-called “reign change,” when Charles will become King and William will step up as the Prince of Wales.

At a royal foundation event in February 2018, Harry and William suggested that if there were any disagreements, they were between the brothers, and not the wives.

The royal press pack has pushed back against accusations that they are biased against Meghan. They say they are just doing their job, covering the news without prejudice, and they claim they do far more positive stories about Meghan than negative ones. But online trolls have exploited the “othering” of Meghan on online news sites and gossip pages and reports of a feud between her and Kate.

Hope Not Hate researcher Patrik Hermansson said he was surprised to see discussions about Meghan, which he described as “pure conspiracy theories,” suggesting she isn’t really pregnant but is wearing a fake baby bump.

“The way I understand that … it’s an attempt to distrust and make her seem unreliable and distrustful,” he said.

Meghan and Harry’s forthcoming child will be the first known mixed-race baby in the royal family’s thousand-year history. Adegoke, the author, said speculation is rife about his or her likely appearance.

“There’s been a lot of talk on Twitter, not just from racists but also people who are very pro-Meghan, about recessive genes, about whether the baby will have an afro, whether the baby will have its mother’s nose,” she said.

“There’s all these coded conversations happening about what the baby will look like, and it sounds really horrible to think, but a lot of people offered up the idea that the blacker the baby looks, the worse its treatment will be.”

Hermansson said the anti-Meghan trolls have also seized on themes like so-called “cultural decline.”

“Meghan Markle fits into this bigger idea of the West and the UK in decline,” he said. “She does that by not fitting in, by being who she is, which is mixed race. People tie these things so much to what they think it means to be British, which is white. So, it has a racial element to it.”

“But there’s also this idea of cultural decline — [that] what we were before, a strong palace, a monarchy, an empire … is falling apart, and that of course is brought on by these other far-right conspiratorial ideas, like what mass immigration is doing with our society, the replacement of British people of British culture.”

That narrative has already been used to troubling effect; in December last year, a UK offshoot of a violent US neo-Nazi group posted an image calling for Prince Harry to be shot, according to a BBC investigation. And they accused him of being a “race traitor” for marrying a mixed-race woman.

“Those ideas can enable people and… motivate people to take direct action in a violent way. There are lots of examples of that in just the last [few] years,” said Hermansson.

Harry and Meghan’s 2018 wedding was hailed as a moment that united British society, and cemented the country’s connection with the US; the announcement that a new royal baby was on the way should have bound them still closer.

But the marriage and the impending arrival of baby Sussex have also exposed divisions which a very small group of people are keen to exploit to spread their message of hate.

Source: https://fox61.com/2019/03/07/the-racist-online-abuse-of-meghan-markle-has-put-royal-staff-on-high-alert/

[nicemango-feed]

IDW Halloween Cards

Happy Halloween Folks! 

(I'll add the rest below the blogpost)

I thought I’d have some fun with IDW/Classical Liberal Halloween cards. There's so many more I could have done, but alas...I didn't have that much time. If you want to join in the fun...make one and tweet it to me @nicemangos :) 

Anyway - a clarification for the pedants: I use the terms IDW/Classical Lib to describe them, their dogmatic fans and the figures who hover around them....the Quillette, 'But what about anti-white racism' types...

...So it's not limited to the amazing bigbrained peeps mentioned in Bari Weiss' LOL-worthy article (featuring pictures of them jerking off trees or hiding in bushes)....you know the one i'm talking about. 

Why is it important to mock this pretentious circle-jerk as often as possible, you ask? I'll give you a quick rundown, even though I could write a bit on each central figure here, I just don't have the time to delve in that deep at the moment. 

Simply put though, its because they're pushing some dangerous ideas and providing cover for dangerous people. In a new, repackaged & polished format this isn't immediately recognizable to some.

They're driven by a strongly anti-left agenda, while often simultaneously claiming they are on the left ...or at least ‘not right wing’ (though they do have their more open RW types like Ben Shapiro/JBP, but I believe even Peterson has denied being a conservative), 

It's this dishonesty and attempt to mask what they're really pushing for that concerns me. 

I find it's almost better to deal with an open right wing, anti-immigrant type than to deal with a sophist covering their tracks every step of the way, leaving room for plausible deniability, while being an apologist for similar issues. 

In this era of a resurgent far-right and rising hate crimes.... this 'totally-not-right-wing' crew still focus their energies on the left while downplaying the dangers of the far right. 

Anything random campus SJWs do will be an outrage and indicative of the 'rot on the left'... but when it comes down to calling out Milo Yiannopolous, even after he's exposed for being a pedophilia apologist...there will be excuses.... deflections - even if it means pointing the finger at fictional plays and then realizing that your example is ridiculous. 

There will be reminders that Milo was smart and charismatic (they'll say they are no fans, of course!)...but even in the face of him defending sex with minors there will be 'he doesn't deserve this... let's wish him well and hope he can leverage his charm into a new life' type apologetics.   

I remember this too. Cringe. I genuinely don't understand how u can have this attitude towards some of the worst ppl around, but feminists and campus sjws just don't get that kind of sympathy and understanding. https://t.co/U3WkJ0SwUE pic.twitter.com/zcNjk0CiwP

— Eiynah --- (@NiceMangos) January 12, 2018

Or at best, they'll say Milo can't be far right because he's gay and flamboyant, Jewish and has a black boyfriend . They'll dismiss him as a mere troll...justify his outrage at the 'liberal media bias'...and complain about his Twitter Ban. Or defend him using Breitbart articles. 

They'll be happy to threaten to quit Patreon over banning White identitarian Lauren Southern...meanwhile portraying her to their massive audiences as a mere 'conservative journalist'.  When it comes time to call her out, or state a solid opinion on an obvious extremist like Robert Spencer or... Tommy Robinson - if it's not blatant apologetics (like Rubin's where he literally positions Tommy as *Extremely Moderate*,

Rubin says Tommy Robinson strikes him as "extremely moderate". Tommy Robinson confirmed for The New Center™ pic.twitter.com/rm7rem1y15

— Tom Bloke (@21logician) March 2, 2017

...the best you'll get is a shrug and a claim that they 'just don't know enough' to make a judgement on him (while they retweet flawed defences of him).

Even in the wake of serious incidents like more than a dozen pipe bombs being mailed to Trump’s critics their priorities do not shift from the dangers of sjws and The Left.  They will minimize RW terror threats even, referring to them as "minor events"/a few malicious jerks...

Once again the press gets gamed, giving saturation coverage and agonized commentary to a minor event. It's not major news that a country of 325m has a few malicious jerks who (correctly) anticipate 15 minutes of notoriety with a vindictive stunt. https://t.co/zXnBJXCqdB

— Steven Pinker (@sapinker) October 25, 2018

But compare that with the wording you often see about The Left, 'Devouring it's Children' .. oh nooo: 

If not that, there's a general AllLivesMatter-ification, that really endears them and makes them very useful to the far right

I did a more detailed thread on Pinker here

Another Amazing take in response to the Pipe bombs was telling people we shouldn't make it 'costly to consider conspiracy' FFS

You kicked up a lot of dust, tried to tie me to Trump, to Alex Jones and to various claims that I've never made, but in the end you avoid my only point: If we make it costly to consider conspiracy, we hand power to those who would conspire, placing the honorable at their mercy. https://t.co/dvB1Mi6pg5

— Bret Weinstein (@BretWeinstein) October 26, 2018

Only the most Rational takes from the IDW, I tell ya. And while we're on the topic of conspiracies...who can forget the classic Rubin moment, when he claimed there's a necessary space for Infowars:

Dave Rubin says there's a "necessary space" for Infowars because mainstream media is bad pic.twitter.com/k9o1HW62nX

— Tom Bloke (@21logician) April 17, 2017

------

Those that follow this cheerful group closely, know full well how often they whitewash troubling views/figures ...or delete criticism of them if it happens to come up. 

It’s about joining hands with those radicalizing young men, with those who fear monger about immigrants, and the whiteness levels of London being too low (aka the far right conspiracy of 'white genocide') - its about giving these things more credibility in the mainstream, and helping to justify and rationalize people’s bigotries while making big bucks. 

It’s about amplifying the "#metoo has gone too far" message, about how women have it better and if they don't have power it's because they don't want to have more power,

  Support for publications like Quillette who publish garbage that’s indistinguishable from salafist mullahs at times, is not hard to come by in these 'Dark 'intellectual' parts of the web'.

What these IDW-type RationalSkeptic movements are about is pushing back against those who want equality, and those who want to minimize racism and sexism. 

It's about the maintenance of social hierarchies and the status quo. 

They often find a token minority person to champion 'controversial' views, so they can serve as a shield from criticism and accusations of bigotry. 

It’s also about proclaiming ....loudly... how identity politics is bad, but using identity politics at the drop of a hat when it suits you. 

Its about criticizing people who use the word racist, but using it happily yourself whenever it suits you. 

Casually accusing groups of people of having the intellectual and moral integrity of the KKK even, 

There you go. Sam Harris compares Salon and Vox journalists to the KKK. pic.twitter.com/hc6hRtmxFc

— IDW Misrepresenter (@aiizavva) June 15, 2018

It’s about discrediting the media as Rubin does with his Infowars support and CNN/MSM hate, and about discrediting entire educational fields too (Peterson has declared entire fields of study 'corrupt' because of postmodern neo marxism)... all the while, these heroes pat themselves on the back for being the Rational ones ...having 'tough conversations' and tolerating differing views (while tossing out lawsuit threats like halloween candy, of course).

It's about downplaying actual sieg heiling white supremacists while claiming that the term Nazi has lost meaning. 

I mean it's exhausting just pointing out the endless contradictions, holes and dangers of such self-important groups. 

These are the threats we recognized in islamist sanitizers posing as progressive...*immediately* in ‘skeptic circles’ but unfortunately...this crew has managed to convince many 'Rational', atheist-skeptic types that re-energizing conversations around ‘race science’, traditional gender roles, and anti trans sentiment from a ‘respectable, 'this is just science/rationality' angle is indeed ‘real liberalism’. 

So....this, dear readers, is a very quick rundown of why I think it’s incredibly important to mock and expose this group pushing alt lite/right adjacent talking points into the mainstream. Especially in today's political climate. 

This is where the real threat of literal regressiveness lies, currently - and I think we should do our part to push back.

Now that that's out of the way....here are some lighthearted Halloween cards, meant to be viewed with that perspective in mind (all that for 4 illustrations, I know! I've just had a lot I needed to get off my chest about this subject for a while):

 ---- A huge thanks to all my patrons who support my work. Without you, this isn't possible. These kinds of blogposts take forever to compile. If you enjoy this or my podcast, please consider supporting via Patreon A shoutout to new-ish Patrons who are owed a mention on the blog: Mish, Karl N, Shakhthi, Ernst & Margeaux. You guys r the best!

from Nice Mangos https://ift.tt/2Qe5JRX via IFTTT

[cursedcandyroses]

CURSED CANDY ROSES PRESENTS: THE 50 BEST PROJECTS OF 2017

The most jam packed year of the decade has came and went with a crater of emotion left behind. The ever expanding Pandora’s Box that the internet has become has only seemed to scratch the surface of iit’s potential in the field of music. Every year the music world becomes smaller and smaller while albums become more grandiose. Streaming has lead to numbers being juiced extravagantly, allowing acts to sell minimal physical copies but still go Gold & Platinum. The Streaming Boom has also lead to acts we may have never heard of 20 years ago exploding into the limelight, and acts of yesterday having their 15 minutes expanded. In all honesty I could have made a list of 100 albums and it still wouldn’t have felt like enough. But 50 (plus some) will have to do. 

BEFORE WE GET STARTED: THE NEXT 9 

N*E*R*D - No One Ever Really Dies

Giraffage - Too Real

Moses Sumney - Aromanticism

Rex Orange County - Apricot Princess

Lil Peep - Come Over When You’re Sober

Bill Woods & Blockhead - Known Unknowns

RJ - Mr. LA

Joji - In Tongues

Amine - Good For You

Now to the real list

50: Overdoz. - 2008

Genre: Hip-Hop 

4 years since their last release, Overdoz sounds like they never took a day off. Party jams mixed in with two step love anthems and sprinkles of consciousness are the ingredients to one of the most energetic and top to bottom enjoyable west coast albums in recent memory. These elements mixed with a murders row of top tier producers (Hit-Boy, THC, Pharrell, Organized Noize) meld together for a kaleidoscope of sound and texture, the perfect kind to start and end a night out with.

Best Tracks: “Last Kiss” & “House Party″

49: Syd Tha Kyd - Fin

Genre: R&B / Pop

The family tree that the Odd Future collective has spawned is like none other in music. Within the collective sat The Internet, a duo that has expanded into a full 5 man band, and within that crew is lead singer Syd. On her first solo effort, the songstress dips her toes into the sound of today’s sound with R&B and Rap infused production, with hook as infectious as the best Pop songs on the other side of the dial. Branching out from the jazz and neo-soul stylings of The Internet has given music fans a new artist to reinvent and evolve the mainstream sound of the day. 

Best Tracks: “Know” & “Nothin’ To Somethin’”

Sounds Like: Kehlani’s “You Should Be Here″

48: A$AP Mob - Cozy Tapes Vol. 2: Too Cozy

Genre: Hip-Hop

When the winter brings snow to your ankles and winds that’ll chap your lips, you know it’s time to layer up and get cozy. A$AP Mob has been the go-to New York rap crew over the past few years, but with this newest compilation they take a turn. With heavy contributions from their newest adoptee Playboi Carti, the Mob turns to sonic's that lean more Soundcloud then sample heavy. Tunes with Big Sean, Key!, Chief Keef and Quavo are balanced out by posse jams with Flatbush Zombies and Pro Era members, bringing everyone into a new space that the Mob keeps curating and molding as they go along. 

Best Tracks: “What Happens” & “Walk On Water”

47: Your Old Droog - Packs

Genre: East Coast Hip-Hop

The balance of keeping the grit and feeling of classic New York hip-hop and wanting to mix in a modern day playfulness and enginuity is type of duality New Yorkers have been reaching for since 50 Cent. Unlike 50, Droog has no want to be a mainstream star, but instead focuses on being the best at what he does. Storytelling, obscure references and punchlines that’ll bring chest pains (from either laughter or how hard they hit) are the specialties of one of hip-hops most talented underground stars.

Best Tracks: “Grandma Hips” & “White Rappers (A Good Guest)”

46: Ty Dolla $ign - Beach House 3

Genre: R&B / Hip-Hop

Every artist strives to find their sound exceed within it. For an artist like Ty Dolla $ign he is with every project experimenting and proving that he is one of the most talented and skilled artist in hip-hop. Though Ty has always been criticized for repetitive content of parties and drug use, like each “Beach House” instalment before this junior effort, Ty expands and dabbles into many forms of contemporary urban music. A sonic experience like no other crossover artist has been able to do, Ty again flexes a perfect duality of being a singles driven artist while still holding true artistic integrity. 

Best Tracks: “Don’t Judge Me” & “Message In A Bottle”

45: Dizzee Rascal - Raskit

Genre: Grime

With razor sharp precision, the veteran UK rapper has brought with him the best Grime record of the year. Over the past few years artists like Skepta and Stormzy have come from across the pond into our lives, but these artists would be nowhere without one of the godfathers of the genre. Nearly 15 years after his world-renowned “Boy In Da Corner” record, Dizzee improves upon that sound infusing modern production styles and a more palatable rapping style to restate his claim as the greatest Grime artist walking the earth

Best Tracks: “Ghost” & “Dummy (16 For The Juice)”

44: Freddie Gibbs - You Only Live 2wice

Genre: Hip-Hop

After being freed from an European prison on false rape charges Indiana’s finest gave the people signs of life. Saying that this project is just a little something to hold fans over until the release of his next Madlib collab, Gibbs held nothing back. Speaking on everything from the incarceration, street tales and the fears that come with fame and fatherhood. Everything from introspective, to car knocking anthems, Freddie reminds us that he is one of hip-hops ever morphing figures, unleashing his art over any beat he can get his hands on.

Best Tracks: “20 Karat Jesus” & “Crushed Glass”

43: Belly & Boi-1da - Mumble Rap

Genre: Hip-Hop

Boi-1da has been behind some of the biggest and best records of the past decade from Drake and Kendrick, to Lana Del Rey and Rihanna, and he has for the first time taken over the boards for a full album. This newest project Belly has put forth in his short career as a lead act, and not just a songwriter, shows the XO signee never taking a line off and making a statement that he is here to stay as a solo artist.

Best Tracks: “Lullaby” & “The Come Down Is Real”

42: Sonder - Into

Genre: R&B

Brent Faiyaz, the crooner responsible for vocals on Goldlink’s chart topping hit “Crew”, began his year off with an EP that catches the soul of the nighttime that ensues after the party's over. From the layered and airy production to his remorseful and woeful lyrics that cover the length of the project, Brent and the rest of Sonder create a realm of shadowy emotion that words can never properly describe, but a feeling all to real to everyone.

Best Track: “Lovely”

Sounds Like: JMSN’s “JMSN”

41: JMSN - Whatever Makes U Happy

Genre: Jazz / Soul

JMSN has steadily created one of the best discographies in music today, and that is due to his willingness to experiment and branch into different genres. With a vocal range and tone like no one working today, JMSN can try different production styles and never feel out of place. His latest offer catches the soul of jazz and R&B by mostly being recorded in one take, with an empty room, outside of him and an assortment of talented musicians. His woeful longings and poems dealing with the many levels of relationships is a further step in the direction of the type of artistry that JMSN aims to be a part of.

Best Tracks: “Drinkin’” & “Slowly”

Sounds Like: D’angelo’s “Voodoo”

40: Talib Kweli - Radio Silence

Genre: Hip-Hop

Talib Kweli has never missed a step lyrically. No one has been as consistent since the turn of the century as the Brooklyn native, and now 17 years into his solo career Kweli adds another gem to his discography. Speaking on the struggles of the African-American community in America has always been a strong suit of Kweli, but he has done it this time around with inclusion of artists that are far from his comfort zone with rappers like Rick Ross and Waka Flocka Flame. Whether accompanying their styles or his own, Talib always finds a way to shine and bring a crucial message to lovers of hip-hop.

Best Tracks: “All Of Us” & “She’s My Hero”

39: Migos - Culture

Genre: Hip-Hop

Time and time again the world has counted out the Migos. When the entered the consciousness with “Versace” they were a one-hit wonder. When they continued they were “just rapping fast about nothing”. Now, nearly 5 years later they are the biggest group in all of hip-hop, and most popular hip-hop group in over a decade. This newest project is a dive into the sound they helped create with production from artists like Metro Boomin and Zaytoven who helped create this modern trap sound. Quavo’s club ready hooks, Offset’s energy and aggression, and Takeoff’s killer verses all fall like puzzle pieces right into the ethereal and world renowned sound of modern day rap music. 

Best Tracks: “T-Shirt” & “Get Right Witcha”

38: Jay Worthy & The Alchemist - Fantasy Island

Genre: Hip-Hop

Jay Worthy is a name everyone should get more familiar with. Adopting the West Coast as a transient from Canada, Worthy has been apart of underground rap circles for years, and has reeled in colleagues such as Conway and $ha Hef for his latest endeavour. One of many group projects Worthy has been a piece of this year, none fit his blunted and laid back rapping style as well as this fully-Alchemist produced EP.

Best Track: “Miss You”

Sounds Like: Domo Genesis & The Alchemist’s “No Idols”

37: Mac DeMarco - This Old Dog

Genre: Indie Rock / Lo-Fi

Mac Demarco’s yacht rock, even folk-esk at times, guitar strummings and singing push the vision of a scenic view from a boat in the middle of a lake to your mind. The breeze in your face, the smell of cold beer and new winter coats. For years Mac has created the aesthetic of the lovable slacker, but on his newest record something has changed. Instead of performing from the boat for the crowd to watch, these sounds feel closer and more intimate, becoming less of someone to marvel from afar, and more of someone you feel like a friend of.

Best Tracks: “Sister” & “On The Level”

36: J.I.D. - The Never Story

Genre: Hip-Hop

From the Atlanta collective known as Spillage Village to an artist under J. Cole’s Dreamville label, JID has been a part of some wonderful company. Being around great MC’s along with an energy and skill set that separate him from the bunch of traditional Atlanta artists, JID has pushed his name into the front of the pack of the new artists who ruled in 2017. Bars for days and an ear for production that’s as outlandish as he is makes for a perfect storm of an artist who still isn’t in his final form, but is a scary sight as is.

Best Tracks: “General” & “Hereditary”

Sounds Like: Vince Staples’ “Shyne Coldchain Vol. 2″

35: Majid Jordan - The Space Between

Genre: R&B / Synthpop

The Canadian duo has taken everything they have ever done and tinkered it and improved it into what is the perfect mission statement for the OVO Label outside of Drake. Everything from sleek late night two step anthems, to 80′s revival jams that beg to be screamed in your car. The duo brings in labelmates dvsn and PARTYNEXTDOOR, with the later playing a part in one of the most underrated grooves of the past year. Majid Jordan finds ways to improve and level up in ways no other R&B duo has done in years.

Best Tracks: “One I Want” & “Gave Your Love Away”

34: CyHi The Prynce - No Dope On Sundays

Genre: Hip-Hop

CyHi is one of the many artists who as a fan feared would be trapped by label politics into releasing astounding mixtapes and never putting together a true debut album. With “No Dope On Sundays” CyHi breaks through the paperwork and his drug dealing past into being able to look back on these times and give gems that everyone can appreciate. From black empowerment, advice to hustlers the world over, and becoming comfortable and accepting of religion in his life the G.O.O.D. Music signee puts together the sum of his mixtapes into a cohesive body of work that can be studied like scripture.

Best Tracks: “Nu Africa” & “Get Yo Money”

33: PeeWee Longway - The Blue M&M 3

Genre: Hip-Hop

Atlanta’s hip-hop scene has been around for over 2 decades, and has been at the forefront of the rap world for over half that time. The mainstream acts like Migos and Future are intertwined within the small city with lesser known acts like PeeWee Longway due to Atlanta truly being the biggest small town in the south. PeeWee has been apart of the rap scene for years rising alongside the Patron Saint of Georgia himself Gucci Mane. Years of sharpening his lightning fast flow and street themed lyrics have come to fruition on what is arguably the best project in his deep discography.

Best Tracks: “Creep” & “Rerocc��

32: Lorde - Melodrama

Genre: Pop

Pop music over time has become more and more formulaic. Sing like A, about B, over a beat a C BPM and a hit is born. Pop music hasn’t always been this disposable form of music, and at it’s root it’s about catchy songwriting that plays off as simple, but is secretly layered. This is the type of pop music Lorde has created yet again on her newest LP. She doesn't sing about anything out of the norm (love, parties, loneliness, etc) but it’s the way she sings about it. Her songwriting is as good as anyone in modern music, and far outpaces her pop counterparts.

Best Tracks: “Green Light” & “Supercut”

31: Brother Ali - All The Beauty In This Whole Life

Genre: Hip-Hop

Brother Ali has made a career on crafting stories straight from a diary, and would just as quickly tell you rap about the evils the world holds. For this project Ali leans on piano driven production by underground legend Ant, and with these beats digs into his softer side by gushing comfort and telling playfully cruel stories bookended together by hooks that play in your head for hours. Ali’s finest work to date would not be complete without the occasional flip into his famous sermons about the struggles of the minorities in a country that wishes nothing more than for you to fail, and how they set such a system of failure up.

Best Tracks: “Pray For Me” & “Out Of Here” 

30: Kelela - Take Me Apart

Genre: R&B / Electronic

Sounds of a living breathing world, clashing with synthetic bangs and swells that can be created by none other than an all-star cast of renowned artists create together a pocket for Kelela, an R&B songstress in the making. In her voice you hear to subtle hints of Solange and Janet Jackson, and like Jackson, at any moment Kelela can send out a rush of sound from her body that will make your heart stop and make you want to wail long. Subtle and powerful, heart ache and self-discovery, these dualities are attributes the singer seems to master to early in a career that is just beginning.

Best Tracks: “Frontline” & “Waitin’” 

29: FKJ - French Kiwi Juice

Genre: Fusion Jazz

Of all the albums that were released this year, none are more enjoyable than this electro-tropical project by the French multi-instrumentalist. Every beat takes you into a different garden of sounds and color, yet they all tie together as beautifully as a tropical paradise. Creating an album as pleasant and replayable as this with little vocals is a gift on it’s own, and this is a gift FKJ posses wholeheartedly.

Best Tracks: “Lying Together” & “Skyline”

28: Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory

Genre: Experimental Hip-Hop / Electronic

Vince Staples is the king of nihilism. His newest electronic based LP gives insight to a world we haven't reached yet, but will be at soon. Yet as observant of the negativity festering in the world as this project it is, it doubles as the background music at a house party only our great-grandkids will be able to speak about. Hip-Hop music at it’s core is electronic music with rhymes over top of it, and Vince stretches what we view as hip-hop into a world not as aggressive as Grime music, but more relaxed then electro-rap album like those made by Death Grips and Kanye West. Vince has shown he has no intent on slowing down his creative pushes whether it be gritty street tales or electronic tales of the drawbacks fame gives.

Best Tracks: “Big Fish” & “Love Can Be…”

Sounds Like: Outkast’s “Stankonia”

27: Dirty Projectors - Dirty Projectors

Genre: Indie Pop / Electronic

Experimentation is a trait of one of the most critically acclaimed albums of the 21st century, and Dirty Projectors has enough of that to spare. Oozing with melodic vocal layerings, to the point you can’t tell if a computer program or a real person is singing, that glide seamlessly over pianos and electronic production, David Longstreth shows out yet again as a leading vocalist and main man behind a band that digs so deep that it seems outlandish.

Best Tracks: “Up In Hudson” & “Winner Take Nothing”

Sounds Like: Bon Iver’s “22, A Million”

26: Cosmo Pyke - Just Cosmo

Genre: Indie Rock / Anti-Pop

A teen and his guitar has been the starting tools of revolutions in music since the dawn of recorded music. And like those who came before him Cosmo Pyke brings with him a sound and style all his own. Acts from his home country of England have created music like his before and since the release of this debut EP, but Cosmo’s songwriting is bounds above the rest. Cherry tales of young love and typical slacker appeal meld into a pile of beautiful tunes showing a raw skill within the a star in the making.

Best Track: “Chronic Sunshine”

25: Rapsody - Laila’s Wisdom

Genre: Hip-Hop

From the intro with a flurry of choirs and keys into the outro with a haunting sample loop, Rapsody issues out a flurry of bars that challenge any active rapper. The leader of 9th Wonder's Jamla record label has been hard at work leveling up her skills to stand toe to toe with any and anyone that comes her way. Rapsody separates herself from the lip gloss and leathered up mold that most of today’s biggest female rappers tend to lean towards, and in that separation she fits in with the true emcees of the world rather than those on the quest for pop success. Even though bar for bar she is a problem, Rapsody took tracks like “Sassy” to speak on topics a male artist may not be able to properly deliver, another advantage for one of the Carolina’s finest artists.

Best Tracks: “Nobody” & “You Should Know”

24: Brockhampton - The Saturation Trilogy

Genre: Alternative Hip-Hop

This year rap was heralded as the new go-to genre for what makes up pop music. Streaming has revealed what we within the culture have already known, and with this new claim that rap is the new pop a boy band has come to the forefront of the genre. 2017 saw Brockhampton release 3 astounding albums with a loose concept surrounding the group’s dive into illegal crime and eventual imprisonment that is also loosely followed in their videos. Playing from the first instalment through to the third Ameer Vann, Kevin Abstract and Dom McLennon take the lead with the most time on record, but still making room for Matt Champion, Merlyn Wood, Joba and Bearface to shine and come into their own in front of eyes. Brockhampton took over the year with experimental production styles and an overload of witty auto-tuned soaked verses, giving a new view into what it means to be a hip-hop group.

Best Tracks: “GOLD”, “QUEER” & “BLEACH”

23: Wiki - No Mountains In Manhattan

Genre: East Coast Hip-Hop

New York City has done it’s best over the past decade to reclaim hip-hop music from it’s Southern counterpart, Atlanta. The City’s newest artists have tried their best to copy the sound, but most have failed. In the grimiest parts of the city though, is where artists like Wiki were born. Playing like a love letter to the city here the Ratking leader was born and raised, with at every turn and twist comes a yurp and freshly opened 40. A 16 track dive into the beauty of New York City gives a perspective that has been missing from hip-hop. No bitterness, no pleas for mainstream success, just the sonic version of Wiki’s toothless smile gleaming in the middle of Washington Square Park.

Best Tracks: “Mayor” and “Litt 15”

22: Sinjin Hawke: First Opus

Genre: Electronic 

A one time go to Kanye collaborator, Sinjin Hawke used reject beats and his futuristic vision to create a soundtrack of everyday life 200 years from now in an LP that could double as a score for a Ridley Scott film. Electronic music is the final frontier of music as an artform, and with one of the most ambitious and original compositions over the past decade Sinjin sets himself alongside other visionaries like Flying Lotus, Aphex Twin and Burial.

Best Tracks: “Shimmer” & “Flood Gates”

Sounds Like: Flying Lotus’ “Los Angeles”

21: Kamasi Washington - Harmony Of Difference

Genre: Jazz

Jazz music has been bastardized over decades into elevator music with little more then the occasional true jazz album to pierce the mold. Thanks to Flying Lotus and his Brainfeeder label jazz has been able to be reborn and re-envisioned thanks to the likes of the saxophonist Kamasi Washington. Constant intricate changes allow Washington to expand upon previous ideas revealed and hashed out in his groundbreak album “The Epic”. As each day passes Kamasi becomes more and more skilled along with each member of his ever expanding band. As long as time passes, Kamasi’s skill will grow, and so will his ambition to bring jazz back to greatness,

Best Track: “Truth”

Sounds Like: John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme”

20: Milo - Who Told You To Think??!!?!?!?!

Genre: Underground Hip-Hop

Entering into the dreamlike escapade crafted and materialized by the philosophy loving Milo can push away the casual fan. Milo has reared his head yet again coming off and tweaking the formula that crafted his acclaimed sophomore LP “So The Flies Don’t Come”. The beautiful instrumentals and hooks that play more as drunken chants real in a fan of hip-hop music, but the deeper you read into the verses the references and vocabulary are so obscure you wonder if you truly love it. The nose-to-the-sky feeling given off is one that can be to much for most, but pushing back against this can lead into loving a project that is one of a kind.

Best Tracks: “Sorcerer” & “Landscaping”

19: St. Vincent - MASSEDUCTION

Genre: Alternative Pop 

St. Vincent’s newest endeavor takes a dive into the power of seduction in different facets of life. The seduction that power can cause in the eyes of other, to the seduction ability one has with someone they know so well. Coupled with her astounding mastery of guitar and different production styles allows a backdrop to the world of seduction within the coastal bubbles Clark resides. Nothing this year sounds like what has been crafted on this tight knit LP, mostly because no one can do what St. Vincent does.

Best Tracks: “Masseduction” & “Sugarboy”

Sounds Like: Prince’s “Under The Cherry Moon”

18: Drake - More Life

Genre: Hip-Hop / R&B

Drake has done his best to try and destroy being labeled anything more specific than an artist. Actor, singer, rapper, producer and tastemaker are all titles that can’t sum up Drake and his creativity. Labeling his newest endeavor a “playlist” and refusing to submit it to the Grammy’s is just another chapter in Drake pushing and bending what labels are. Featuring some of the best records in Drake’s catalog while putting on personal friends and musical inspirations like Sampha, Skepta, Kanye West, Jorja Smith and Giggs all in one verbose package is something that if someone proposed the idea a year ago no one would believe. The Canadian artist has once again melded R&B and Hip-Hop like only he can, while throwing in sprinkles of everything else that makes the 6 God who he is.

Best Tracks: “Free Smoke” & “Teenage Fever”

17: SZA - CTRL

Genre: R&B

Love lost and relationships broken will always be a topic in music. Beaten to death at times, but the greats can find ways to originally tell their story. Though speculation of who the album is about has pointed into some interesting places to raise the profile of the songs, the music speaks for itself. Each and every track is filled with cries of a woman trying to discover herself, and what she is worth.  A album wrapped in equal parts whimsical warmth and modern day R&B sound sets SZA on path to be another TDE powerhouse in mainstream and critical circles.

Best Tracks: “Garden” & “Broken Clocks”

16: Oddisee - The Iceberg

Genre: Hip-Hop

As far as underground hip-hop goes in 2017, and to the sub-genre as a whole, rarely will you come across a talent who values songwriting and hooks as much as they care about being a master of lyrics and experimentation. That is where Oddisee comes in. He has made conscious decisions to avoid crossing into the mainstream, mainly because he doesn't have the want to be famous. “The Iceberg” tells a message the world needs to hear, a message of acceptance and growing up in a damaged world. No other artist has checked off as many boxes as Oddisee, and all his talents are shown to a new level across this newest LP.  

Best Tracks: “Built By Pictures” & “Want To Be”

15: Sampha - Process

Genre: Soul / Electronic 

There is beauty in the simple things. A breezy morning, rain as you go to bed. The beautiful simple things. After a hiatus in the wake of the death of his mother Sampha returned with tear welling songs and ballads that remind you how beautiful minimalism and simplicity can be. One of the most gut wrenching tracks somes in the form a piano ballad dedicated to the love his late mother had given him, and as his pain wells out the gorgeous voice that sounds like none other begs to be repeated again and again.

Best Tracks: “Blood On Me” & “Kora Sings”

Sounds Like: James Blake’s “Overgrown”

14: Thundercat - Drunk

Genre: Psychedelic Jazz

An entry into the mind of the world renowned bassist, “Drunk” plays like a jazzed out Frank Zappa project, with themes varying from a love song about his cat to his love of anime and the city of Tokyo. A sonic expansion from his previous album “Apocalypse”  Thundercat tag teams through the album with his label head and close friend Flying Lotus weaving deeper and deeper into the trenches of this jazz filled paradise. As the album turns from waking up joyously hungover, into returning to the same bottle again, the album title resonates hard into the closing tracks. Drunken journeys into one’s own mind along with a meddling ADHD odyssey is challenging his previous album as some of the most important work in modern jazz, and slowly grows into the victour.

Best Tracks: “Uh Uh” & “Show You The Way”

13: Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

Genre: Hip-Hop

The best active rapper out right now is the Compton-bred MC, and though this album cemented a portion of Kendrick’s attributes that he’s always lacked in (album sales & streams) it is still a questionable project by Lamar’s standards. Thought “FEAR” and “DUCKWORTH” are some of the best tracks Kendrick has ever released, the project will not live on through the overall make-up. The concept of the record and the conspiracy theories that circled around it along with astronomical sales will keep this album in West Coast loar. Don’t be confused, this is a very good project with everything you could ever ask from a single artist to meld into one body of work, yet by Kendricks standard, it is a dip in the wrong direction.

Best Tracks: “FEAR.” & “XXX.”

12: The Alchemist & Budgie - The Good Book Vol. 2

Genre: Instrumental Hip-Hop / Underground Hip-Hop

As music evolves more technologically and in structure, gospel music becomes more and more interesting in today’s world. Religion is a tongue and cheek topic for most, but the music when done right is astounding regardless of message. Give these records to the legendary producer Alchemist and the equally exciting and underrated Budgie, along with their Rolodex of super skilled friends, the ceiling is non-existent. A two disc 96 minute odyssey into underground hip-hop weaved together by samples from a lost time in musical history is one of (if not the) best producer lead albums of the past decade.

Best Tracks: “No Mystery God” & “In-N-Out”

Sounds Like: The Avalanches “Wildflower”

11: Tennyson - Uh Oh!

Genre: Electronic

The brother / sister duo has returned with another EP highlighted by the sounds of a futuristic city like nothing you can see in film. A dream world filled with bird chirps, high paced drums, and the clanging together of whatever you can find in the depths of your production software. Limited singing gives way for one to long for the calming voice to return to give another layer of beauty to an already overloaded roster of sound and audio color that is a part of a spearheaded movement of dense and upbeat electronic compositions.

Best Track: “Pegasus.exe”

10: Lil Uzi Vert - Luv Is Rage 2

Genre: Alternative Hip-Hop

You will not find a more fun album to blast at full volume then the newest edition to Lil Uzi Vert’s newest venture. “Luv Is Rage 2” was in purgatory for months by Don Cannon, DJ Drama, and Altantic Records due to the success of the smash lead single “XO Tour Llif3”, and once released the hundred of thousands within the internet community that birthed Uzi went wild, sending the album straight to #1. A sonic carnival, lead by the shoulder rolling ringmaster himself with lyrics of love lost, youthful energy and a dangerous amount of drug use, is a project that will be looked back as a seminal release from this generation of SoundCloud birthed artists, and possibly this era of music in general. 

Best Tracks: “Neon Guts” & “The Way Life Goes”

9: Big K.R.I.T. - 4Eva Is A Mighty Long Time

Genre: Southern Hip-Hop

The great return of Big K.R.I.T. years in the making. A double disc dive into the duality of K.R.I.T’s musical ventures exemplifies his versatility in a way the major label system never properly handled. The first side shows the mainstream crossover ability that always had shown glimpses over his career, while also showing an aggressive and hungry delivery to be considered one of the generation's greats. On the flip side of the album, we are shown into Justin Scott’s (K.R.I.T.’s real name) way of thinking. An inclusion of live instruments and a deeper message accompanied with a dive into the psyche of K.R.I.T. as a man in his past and today. The return of the Southern star show’s a rebirth of a career that belongs to be put next to today's and all of history's greats.

Best Tracks: “The Light” & “Mixed Messages”

Sounds Like: Outkast’s “ATLiens”

8: Open Mike Eagle - Brick Body Kids Still Daydream

Genre: Underground Hip-Hop

Chicago is never out of the news for long, whether it be tales of murder and destruction, or the flip side featuring political change and community outreach. Somewhere in the middle Open Mike Eagle sits doodling a satiristic world to describe it all. An ode to the Robert Taylor projects where Eagle grew up in, along with over 20,000 other people, Mike speaks of himself in many mythical ways whether it be a hero within the building, or the homes themselves. The two features Eagle allowed into his brick and mortar universe were standouts, especially the early verse from the show stealing Sammus. Conceptually it is one of a kind, proving again Open Mike Eagle and the underground which he meddles in, is a land of opportunity.

Best Tracks: “Legendary Iron Hood” & “Happy Wasteland Day”

Sounds Like: Aesop Rock’s “Labor Days”

7: Future - HNDRXX

Genre: Hip-Hop / R&B 

Future has reached the point in his career where he can sit back and watch the world spin around him. Every new artist has a piece of Future in their DNA, and Future could live of his major records and the occasional feature for life. Yet he took the creative risk of making a full R&B album, a project that does have rapping but to a minimal amount in the same vein as early Drake. The soul splitting auto tune melodies speaking possibly of his ex relationships with Ciara and the wife of Scottie Pippen, and the drugs to mellow the pain of lost love and past memories. “Dirty Sprite 2” was an angry and hungry Future, attacking the world, while “HNDRXX” comes off as the yang to DS2’s ying, and shows range but a living legend.  

Best Tracks: “My Collection” & “Solo” 

Sounds Like: Drake’s “Take Care”

6: Jay-Z - 4:44

Genre: Hip-Hop

The President of Hip-Hop himself, Jay-Z shows a further evolution in an already storied discography. Jay has been personal in the past, but never in such an intimate setting. Done in the span of a few weeks with the legendary No ID, these sessions gave us the final product of the most personal a mainstream artist, especially of Jay’s stature. Bringing to light secrets and public questions of Hov’s relationships with his wife Beyonce, tips on building a fortune, his parents, and on-again-off-again little brother Kanye, to finally give his side of each story. The persona of the corner boy turned CEO has almost never shown any vulnerability, and all these decades later these internal feelings finally see the light in the form of a golden standard in late career work.

Best Tracks: “Marcy Me” & “Family Feud”

Sounds Like: Nas’ “Life Is Good”

5: King Krule - The OOZ

Genre: Alternative

King Krule has revealed himself from his self-induced seclusion and has gone back into his most popular musical identity, taking a break from the dubstep and hip-hop laced corners of the internet he took shelter in. On his 70 minute plunge into the mucky bowels of London, Archy brings with him equal parts angst, longing and hazy production to tell tales of relationships and isolation, but mostly focusing on painting a Greek tragedy with words and guitars. Feeling and emotion personified via a hissing and empty void in between each vocal wail, reminding us how raw uncut emotion is the underlying factor in all great art, and Archy Marshall slops and gushes emotion in layers like no other act can.

Best Tracks: “Dum Surfer” & “Biscuit Town”

4: Run The Jewels - Run The Jewels 3

Genere: Alternative Hip-Hop

Killer Mike and El-P are the best hip-hop duo since Outkast. With their third project the best group in rap music solidifies themselves yet again as the inventive and aggressive showboaters they are, with a more intense dive into El-P’s synth filled world. El and Mike touch on the capitalistic and ever changing world we are in, playing into the dystopian sci-fi tropes the group has separately gone into many times before. Their first project was an introduction, the second project was the group talking more of the world around them, and with this third time around, the tag team becomes more aggressive than ever while mixing in the best parts of everything they have ever done across thier individually storied careers. 

Best Tracks: “Call Ticketron” & “Everybody Stay Calm”

3: Tyler The Creator - Scum Fuck Flower Boy

Genre: Alternative Hip-Hop

With his 5th full length solo project Tyler has solidified himself as one of, if not the, most influential artist of this generation. In a class with the Kendricks, Coles, K.R.I.T.’s, and Drakes of the world, Tyler has found a way to stand alone. This self produced masterpiece is Tyler's musical dreams and ambitions personified and laced with beautiful guest features that fit in ways that bring to mind more of a band then a solo album with features. Yet as beautiful as the music sounds, the lyrics are focused on loneliness, acceptance, paranoia and depression. Since the beginning Ty has had albums based in an original narrative about a boy speaking with his therapist and the events surrounding it, and to break the mold a whole new layer of vulnerability was added. 2018 was a year that showed Tyler gaining a TV show, a new shoe line, a store in Los Angeles, another sold out self-produced festival, and this 14 track artwork shows us again how important originality is. Nothing can, or will stop Tyler.

Best Tracks: “See You Again” & “Pothole”

2: Daniel Caesar - Freudian

Genre: Soul

Production can be replicated. Lyrics can be replicated. A voice though,  can almost never be replicated. The range Caesar flexes across the 10 track debut LP is breathtaking in ways words cannot describe. Daniels music puts you in a state of mind, a flashback into the worst part of any relationship, but with a sprinkle of hope at the end. From sensual duets, to songs of longing a lyrical range to complement his vocal range is apparent and beautiful. Caesars gospel background comes as no surprise with the amount of soul and pain he can easily place into each run. Leading a pack of young soul and R&B artists, Caesar has a future ahead like none we have ever seen. 

Best Tracks: “We Find Love” & “Get You”

1: Smino - Blkswn

Genre: Alternative Hip-Hop

40 years since hip-hop was founded in New York City the genre has expanded musically from scratched up James Brown records into inclusion of every instrument and production style under the sun. And yet evolution is still eternally coming. Monte Booker, who produced on 16 of the 18 tracks has sculpted an ever tweaking and twitching paradise for Smino to fit his elastic flow and wordplay into every crevice of the intricate electronic based beats. Vocal layering and ad-libs used in ways rare to find in any genre add depth to records instead of being used as corny catch phrases like most utilize them for. Tales of drunken nights and lost lives spoken with Smino’s unique drawl and vocal tone recieve a kind of depth and playfulness combined that gives way to comparisons to Chicago MC’s Saba and Chance The Rapper .The St. Louis scene hasn’t seen much talent since the early aughts when Nelly ruled the world with a platinum fist, but now the city (along with new home Chicago) can claim the innovative minds Smino and Monte Booker.  

Best Tracks: “Father Son, Holy Smoke” & “B Role”