#also this is a birthday cake! for my cousin! almost a month late but better late than never right?😂😂

[itisi-asimplegay]

before and after toasting

[imaginesmai]

Taken - Azriel

This is long and this is messy. I don't know where this came out, but shoutout to @marscardigan because she requested this fic so long ago I almost forgot. Enjoy the ANGST.

This is a fic inside the baker!reader universe from Right around the corner. You don't need to read the fics to understand but it will help you!

Plot: you're taken in the worst possible situation, and Azriel fights against time to find you.

Warnings: pregnant!reader, blood, wounds, death (not main characters).

You should have closed the bakery a while ago, you knew. You should have also taken a few days off and relay on Elain a bit more. As a matter of a fact, there was a long list of things you should have done better, most of them converged in the last month, but you were busy. And stubborn.

A very busy, very stubborn, very pregnant baker who was closing the bakery way too late.

You had been lucky that morning when you had won the first argument. It was Nyx birthday in a few days, and the boy wanted a special cake with the shadows of his uncle. And you had been working on it even if you were supposed to be on house arrest, only because Azriel was with you at all given time.

But that day, your mate had a meeting and he couldn’t stay with you, so originally you weren’t supposed to go. Originally. Since Azriel loved Nyx as much as you, he had agreed to leave you at the bakery on your own and not chain you to bed.

You hoped that agreement was still valid if he discovered how late it was.

“Alright” you muttered, looking down at the cake with your hands resting on your swollen belly. “I think it’s coming just fine, huh? One more floor and it’ll be the event of the year”

The cake had a base covered in black chocolate, small curls that simulated shadows coming from the bottom. You had already finished the worst part, and had the rest of the shadows ready in the oven for tomorrow.

While you admired your work, you rubbed your hands absentmindedly across your stomach. At the beginning on the third trimester, you looked ready to give birth. Maybe it was because of the wings, or maybe the baby already took upon his father’s size.

“I hope your tastes are less expensive than your cousin’s” you said, smiling when your rubs were answered by a strong kick. “That didn’t feel like agreeing”

The shadows that were already yours pushed you once more to the door, like they had been doing for the past hours, since the sun came down. Raising your hands up in defeat, you took the first step back home.

“Alright, I’m going. I’m going” you chuckled as they pressed more urgently now that you started walking. “I’m fine, it’s late but I’m finishing. Promise to put my feet up when I get home”

Talking with the shadows and with your baby was as common as talking to yourself. Just as Azriel, you seemed to understand what they wanted to tell you. You endured their constant tugging and pulling as you closed off the bakery.

Only when the door was locked and you turned to take the few steps to your house, you realized just how late it was.

“Oh” you blinked, looking around you. The babe sent another, softer kick.

The street was empty, the night silent. Not even the few cats that purred in the shadows happened to be there that night. Even though it was a summer night, you wrapped your arms around yourself as you put the key on your pocket and took the already usual wobbly steps.

At any given moment, you liked to think, you would have been more aware. Azriel had trained you for it, his family had too in the last years. But still, that one time you would have used any of that training, you couldn’t.

Your hand only made it to the knock of your door when the faebane arrow went clean through your shoulder. A clothe covered your mouth as the few shadows tried to blind whoever was behind you, not given you any time to scream or call for help. Gripping onto the last thread of consciousness, you tugged on the bond.

-

The meeting was taking far longer than what he would have liked.

It was supposed to be easy, to talk the problems out and to let Keir go with a warning. That was why Rhysand had asked him to come along, so that his shadows would snoop around while the male was busy. Because, if the high lord had known it would take so long, he wouldn’t have dared to separate Azriel from you.

Since you both solved your last argument, things had gotten better. He was ready to give himself to you, to become a better man for you and to be what you needed. And seven months ago, it had kept going – you were pregnant, with his child.

And if Azriel thought you were beautiful before, watching your body swell with a new life, watching you become a mother, made you perfect. The thought of you and your future child was what kept him put during hours.

He had known you were at the bakery alone; had known he was supposed to be home before dinner. But he waited, because he didn’t have a reason not to. Azriel felt a tug at the bond during the meeting, and sent a reassuring pull back.

He waited, until Keir left and he put a foot out of Hewn City. Cassian was waiting for them with his arms crossed, his back to their brothers.

“Missed us much?” Rhysand teased, letting himself smile for the first time in that day. “Is staying with – what’s wrong?”

Cassian turned around and his face fell. Azriel recognized earlier than Rhysand the fall of his shoulders, the slump on his wings. There was tension and pain written all over his face. His spymaster-mind ran over a few possibilities before his brother locked eyes with him – an attack to Velaris, an update about Beron’s plans, the revolution in the human’s lands. He even had time to worry about Nyx.

Then, he locked eyes and his breath got stuck in his throat.

“What?” he blurted out. The look on Cassian’s face threatened to swallow him down a spiral of panic. “Cassian, what?”

“What happened?” Rhysand asked, although he was already reading the general’s mind.

“Y/N’s been taken. Don’t know where yet or why” the general spoke, without dropping Azriel’s burning gaze. “I’ve got guards up in the sky and through Velaris”

“Taken?” the high lord asked again, frowning.

“Your shadows came into the wind house, somehow… Nyx knows. He told us what they saw. We are looking for her already, don’t panic. We will find her”

Rhysand could see through Cassian’s eyes, the burst of Azriel’s shadows and a crying Nyx in his room, waking him up. His son telling him about the shadows warning him in his sleep, asking the general if it was true and why they said that.

He looked at Azriel, who looked as pale as the bone wall behind them. The Illyrian tried to come up with something to say, just as he had done in so many similar occasions. It was him who remained calm when Rhysand went under the mountain, when Nyx’s life was threatened just after he was born. Azriel made plans, he was a skilled warrior.

Still, he could only tug on the bond and horrify at the emptiness that came back.

“I can’t feel her” he confessed, finally looking away from Cassian to Rhysand. “Why? Why can’t I feel her?”

“She isn’t dead” his brother answered immediately. “You would know. It’s the faebane, you won’t feel her if they have used it. Cassian, what do we know?”

“No smells, no traces. Bakery was empty and her apartment too. They must have taken her in between”

“Who would fucking take a pregnant woman?” Azriel blurted out. “She’s pregnant. She’s – fuck! In between? It’s – it’s two steps! There’s no space in between!”

“What else?” Rhysand ignored him.

“They sent a note”

Azriel’s panic died down for a moment when Cassian handed his high lord the note. He quickly snatched it away. Barely able to keep in place, he turned his back to his brothers and shamelessly used his shadows in his favor.

He heard his name being called, felt Rhysand demanding to be let in. His own power wasn’t a match for the high lord’s, but it would keep them out enough to read the note.

One of the first rules he applied when it came to kidnappings was to keep the family and loved ones out of it. They didn’t think clearly, and without wanting to, could endanger the victim. But it wasn’t just a person, it was you.

So, ignoring his own rules, he opened the note.

If you want Y/N and the baby safe, the spymaster will present himself at the given coordinates before sunrise. Impaled with faebane and with no hidden tricks. Once we deem so, we will deliver the girl in Windhaven.

Each hour past sunrise will be paid. Don’t be late.

We do not appreciate being hunted.

There were words, that made sentences, and that should have made sense. But all Azriel could see was your name, the word baby, and feel his chest tighten. That wasn’t a clue, there was no way they would find them before sunrise and bring you home to him. Right then, he understood why they kept family out of those types of matters.

The note was snatched out of his hands by a very angry looking Rhysand, with a pained Cassian behind his back.

As Rhysand read the note, Azriel let himself have a moment of sorrow. He turned every emotion upside down, explored them instead of refusing to acknowledge. For years, he had feared the possibility of you being taken from his side. There would be time to panic once he had you in his arms, to worry about the baby once he could touch your belly once more and check your pulse and breathing.

Azriel tugged on the bond once more, feeling the crushing emptiness back. There was nothing, and he was threatened to become nothing too. Instead, he tugged on the faint, thin bond that was still developing. It was barely a thread of your own, fragile but promising.

The bond with your child had been the cause of your discovery. One day it was only the two of you, and then Azriel felt something else. He tugged on that and, even if he didn’t receive anything back, he knew.

“They’re in the mountains” he looked at his brothers. “Can’t say where, but far from Windhaven”

“How are you sure?” Cassian asked, but Rhysand smiled knowingly. Sadly.

“The other bond. You shouldn’t pull too hard, Az. It’s – “

“I won’t. But I’m not letting one second go if I can find her” Azriel cut him off with a hard look. “You’re wasting your time in Velaris”

“Don’t you dare, Az”

Cassian words were lost in the wind as he winnowed away, Rhysand barely touching his forearm. He knew he shouldn’t tug on the bond so soon in his child’s life, that it would only put him at risk. Risk an early labor, risk your discomfort. But if it meant it would take him back to you, he would rip the word apart piece by piece.

-

You didn’t know how, but after all those years, all those good memories built that replaced the bad ones, you just knew. You recognized the painted walls, the stains on the ground, and the smell from the fire.

Nothing had changed over the centuries that had passed by, you realized. The tavern was just as terrible as it had been, just as dirty. They were just as tall and broad as they were, although not that many. And you were that scared girl that they ripped their wings from, tucked into a corner.

While they stared at you, you only hug your belly and tried to keep your tears at bay.

You had woken up a while ago, and they had only whispered between them. From what you had gathered, they didn’t expect the pregnancy, and were worried about it. The one who had clipped your wings so long ago wasn’t around, thanks to Azriel, but you recognized their faces.

You also recognized the blood stains on the ground and walls, courtesy of your mate and probably the reason you were in that position.

“It has closed” one of them broke the silence, frowning. “Why has it closed so soon? We just took it out”

“Must be the babe” the taller one, whom you remembered to be called Sandor, shrugged.

“It’s the third time – “

“All right, girl, you already know to stay put” Sandor sighed, as if it was a simple routine.

You refused to talk, refused to anger them just like you had done in the past and pay for your actions. It wasn’t just your life in the game, and right then, your priority wasn’t it.

With only the moon light through the window, Sandor knelt in front of you and grabbed a clean arrow. Two bloodied ones were discarded on the ground, ripped out of your shoulder and arm. Apparently, they didn’t want to risk you healing around the arrow, in case it would somehow affect the baby.

That didn’t mean they weren’t willing to stick another one once the wound was closed and there was a chance of Azriel feeling you through the bond.

For a moment, Sandor hesitated. It was clear that he wasn’t comfortable about your belly or the situation. Hurting you to get Azriel might had been fine, but hurting pregnant-you was debatable.

“Just do it, man. You might already ring the bells and light a bonfire” the nameless one snapped.

“Do you want to do it?” Sandor turned around on his knees. “Clyde, I’ve got a pregnant woman at home. And she looks ready to burst”

“It’s not your woman, it’s his. Do you want to stare at what used to be Burton?” Clyde pointed to the darkest stain. “Tell him if he wants to consider, take his time”

As they argued, you finally felt it. A tug, a breeze, nothing more than a feeling, but it was there. It was Azriel pulling at the bond like his life depended on it, with so much strength you were sure he was using power that wasn’t only his.

You blinked surprised at the change. It had taken you all your willpower not to panic when you woke up feeling nothing on the other side, and they hadn’t let enough time for your body to recover from the fae bane to feel it again. But as they argued, you silently cherished the discovery. Maybe it was the baby’s strength, maybe it was the cauldron leaning in your favor or any other force, but not only you were healing fast – you were getting the bond back.

Still looking at them, you tugged back. The bond went silent for a second, and you pressed against it again. You were hit with an overwhelming amount of worry, of fear but also love and relief. Azriel’s emotions became yours, and you were so glad it was about to be over that you unfocused your gaze.

It was enough for Clyde to notice your far-away look, and realize what was happening.

“Fuck, she’s warning him!” Clyde rushed forwards, taking the arrow out of Sandor’s grip. “You think you’re so smart?”

You blinked your fogginess away when he walked towards you, coming back to your senses. There wasn’t enough amount of love or assurance Azriel could send you that would stop you from panicking.

“No, wait” you pushed yourself farther into the corner as he moved closer, screaming at Azriel as loud as you could through the watered bond. “I didn’t! I didn’t!”

“You knocked-up, useless, brat” he gripped your ankle and pushed you towards him, your back and head hitting the ground. “Let’s see how you tell him this”

The momentary pain of hitting the ground wasn’t enough to drown the anguish of having a new arrow dug into your leg, just above your knee. The ceiling became blurry and his voices tuned out as you screamed in pain, your bounded hands trying aimlessly to break free.

You couldn’t remember the pain from the first one, seeing you were knocked out, and Sandor had managed to make the other one hurt less. But Clyde pushed his body weight onto your leg, the bottom of the arrow piercing the ground. You looked up and watched horrified as blood started leaking out through your pants and under your leg.

Moving away from him only caused the arrow to shift, but being near him was putting your baby close to the monster. So, in your panic, you tried to ease the pain by lifting your leg while shifting farther into the corner.

“How’s the bond now, uh? Is your pussy boy there?” he chuckled, while Sandor looked away. “Go on, tell him how bad we are”

“We should move” the third one spoke for the first time. “If he has felt her, he knows”

“You heard the boss” rough hands tried to push you up while you cried out.

“No” you repeated, letting Clyde put your whole weight up and almost collapsing after him. “Please, just let me go. Let me go”

Gone was the keep-quiet-don’t-talk. The tears kept rolling down your cheeks as Sandor stepped on your other side, holding you up a bit gentler than Clyde. Your baby started kicking on your side, and between the pain and desperation, you felt like throwing up and passing out.

Their chatter as they discussed what to do next was background noise. Certainly, they weren’t taking the arrow out that time, risk or no risk of being sealed inside and affecting the baby. You could barely stand up between your kidnappers and remember how to breath at the same time.

You wanted Azriel, that was the only thing you were certain. You shouldn’t have closed so late, you shouldn’t have gone to the bakery on your own, and you shouldn’t have gotten out of bed that morning. The baby agreed with you, answering each thought with a powerful kick to your kidneys and bladder.

You tried desperately to think about positive things, to keep yourself sane enough. Closing your eyes, you thought about him. His hazel eyes, that shone with a special light when he saw you between the crowd. His mouth, that curled up so lightly every time you stared at him. The freckles in his cheeks, that one that snuck up to the corner of his eye.

You could almost hear his voice reminding you to breath carefully and gain control of your body when the pregnancy pain hit, and you tried to do the same. Taking a deep breath through your mouth, holding it in. Letting it go through your nose.

“Oh, sure, because winnowing her again is the best solution, right?” Sandor scoffed loudly.

You moved your toes lightly, relieved to notice that despite the burning and overwhelming pain, you could still feel everything. From your feet to your head, you twitched every part of your body, finally able to breathe through the pain.

That didn’t mean you could move without them hauling you up, or that the baby was anymore happy.

“Enough! We’re moving now. Grab the things. We winnow – “ the anonymous man startled you, making you look up.

“I need to go the bathroom” you whispered, although it was heard as if you shouted it.

Three pair of eyes looked at you with raised brows, one pair certainly more annoyed than the other two. You didn’t know how far had it been since they took you, but it was still night time. During the last weeks, you had been paying a visit to your bathroom at least once every two hours.

And that was being generous.

The babe kicked again against your bladder, making your knees wobble. If you didn’t catch a bathroom, in a minute, you would have to let go.

“Sure. Do you want me run a bath too? Clyde, you could massage her feet. Is our lady tired of standing up for so long?”

“Nestor, she’s pregnant” Sandor was the only one looking slightly affected by your request. “My Lorren – “

“Your Lorren is home and we are here. Stop with Lorren!” Clyde let you go to push Sandor’s shoulders, which made you stumble back.

“I’m not carrying her if she’s gonna pee herself”

“She’s gonna be a big girl and hold it, right?” Nestor gave you a tense smile. “And you’re going to winnow her to the cabin”

“I’m not taking her to the cabin, man”

And while you stood up and waited for them to decided where to take you, you felt your bladder giving up. It wouldn’t be the first time you peed yourself, and with the strength your baby was kicking you right then, you were amazed that you managed to hold it for a few seconds.

Clyde and Nestor kept arguing loudly about the cabin, while Sandor just looked at you with a scrunched nose. You would have felt embarrassed, but you were in pain, you were scared and tired. It was hard to stay standing at any given moment with your belly. Whether it was the wings or the baby’s size, you were heavy.

The discomfort of the arrow was starting to become secondary. Even though you had just peed yourself, you still felt the kicks against your bladder – and almost against every part of your soul. You gripped the only thing available when another wave of kicks hit you, that being Sandor’s arm.

The man realized at the same time you did what was happening, although he didn’t have time to voice it out.

“Damn it!” Clyde barely missed the door coming out of its hinges. He didn’t miss the knife that embedded itself on his throat.

“Sandor, shoot him!” Nestor yelled to his friend, who was too busy keeping you off the ground now that the only support was holding his open neck. “Shoot!”

“Pathetic”

His voice was like a cold breeze in the summer, the feeling of his shadows helping you gently to stand up making your breath speed up once more.

Azriel appeared like a dark angel through the open door, his eyes not even leaving you as he stopped an arrow with his bare hand. His wings covered the moon behind him, but they didn’t stop the next figure coming through. Before Clyde hit the ground still chocking on his last breath, Rhysand had winnowed himself and Nestor out of the tavern.

You briefly wondered if death by Azriel’s hands right then would have been better than by the spymaster’s hands later.

Your mate said nothing as Sandor was ripped out of your side. Only by gripping his arm and pulling him away from you, you heard the awful crack of his arm breaking into two.

Sandor cried out, only getting a few seconds to acknowledge his arm before his left wing is ripped out of his back. Azriel’s shadows assessed your body with a sickening speed, coming to the same conclusion you had.

You were lowered softly onto the ground, silently watching what Azriel had always hidden from you. The unleveled part of him, the one that came out when someone he loved was in danger. He feared that part would take you away from him. But as you watched your mate tear Sandor to pieces, you only felt relief at his presence.

The male wasn’t done screaming for his life when he fell dead to the side. His mangled body was blocked from your view by training leathers and tearful hazel eyes. Everything he had felt during the last hours, that he had denied himself from so he would find you, crashed hard.

His scarred hands held your face while he scanned your body, stopping on your untouched belly and bleeding wound. He didn’t even flinch when he touched your soaked pants to pull it out.

The pain you were in in that moment prevented you from feeling anything more than a discomfort at the pull.

“You’re alive” Azriel cried out, not holding his tears back. “I thought – for a moment, I thought… I couldn’t feel you. And then I did, but you were gone. I didn’t know what had happened. I almost died, Y/N. You’re alive. You’re okay”

“Az” you whined, one of your hands gripping his shoulder harder than it was necessary.

“The baby’s bond… I followed it to the mountains. I know I shouldn’t, but I pulled it” he placed one hand on your belly, laughing tearfully when he felt a kick back. “I love you. I love you both so much”

There weren’t words to explain what Azriel had felt in the last few hours. How he had stumbled down into the snow when he had felt your end of the bond alive, how desperate he had been to follow it. Then, it had gone dark and if it wasn’t for Rhysand following him, he would have crashed right there.

He was glad his brother had been there, that he had taken a male away for questioning. Once you were safe and with Madja, he would make sure to take his time.

Azriel pressed a shaky, wet kiss to your forehead, then another one to your nose. He kissed each and every tear that had stained your cheeks in the past hour, finally pressing his lips against yours.

When he moved back, ready to winnow you both back to Velaris and hold you close for a week, he was surprised to see new tears running down your cheeks. What he thought was terror for the kidnapping, the anguish of your captors, hadn’t left your face.

“What’s wrong?” he frowned, leaving his own despair for later and looking back at your body.

“Az” you repeated.

You had realized what was happening before him, had known just before Sandor. His shadows couldn’t possibly understand what was happening, and so, Azriel didn’t. Any pain you had felt during that night paled away from the complete, absolute fear the crippled you as you stared at your mate in that dark tavern, where your worst memories had taken place.

“I’m here” he reminded you, his hand caressing the belly. “Where does it –“

“It’s coming” you finally admitted, watching the realization hitting him. “The baby’s coming”

It had felt like peeing yourself, like normal kicks, you guessed. What had given it away was crippling, motherly realization that your baby wanted out. That bond that had connected you to it was more present than ever, and somehow, you knew.

Azriel paled even more if that was possible. Right there, sitting in the dirty, bloodied and now empty tavern, your water had broken. You wanted to break down crying, because of course, given your history your baby would choose that moment.

When Azriel didn’t say anything, you lip wobbled again. Because, if he didn’t have the answers, who would?

“It’s coming” you said again, feeling like a broken record. “What do we do? What -?”

“I’ll winnow us to Velaris” Azriel interrupted you, knowing the answer before saying it.

“Madja said we can’t” you reminded him, although he already knew. “Oh God. Az, it’s coming. What do we do? I’m having a baby. I’m having a baby!”

Indeed, one of the first things Madja had advised you against was winnowing while pregnant. So close to the date, it would only trigger an early labor – and on the date, it would be dangerous to the baby and you. Rhysand would be back in Velaris by then, probably thinking you two were just fine and happy together once more.

And winnowing away to warn him and bring someone was out of the equation, since he wouldn’t be leaving you for a while now.

So Azriel gathered himself together and gave you a hesitant smile.

“We can do it” Azriel whispered, not sure of the truth behind his words.

“What?”

“I’m not leaving you. We’re here together, and we can do it. Madja told us what it’s like” Azriel tried to sound confident for you, for the both of you, but it came out as a question.

“We’re having a baby”

“We’re having a baby”

The first rays of sun entered through the empty space where the door was as you stared into his eyes. You could risk winnowing back and losing the baby and your life, or you could send away Azriel and hope he made it in time back with Madja or any other healer. Neither of those options felt like surviving to you, so you nodded at him and willed that tear to be the last one.

Azriel leaned in and kissed you softly. His lips were salty, from his tears or your own, and kind. While his shadows brushed every available part of your body, you let yourself forget about the closing wound, about the trembling of your knees and the pain in your belly.

Kissing him would always feel like the first time, like fireworks and Starfall. His nosed brushed your own and his tongue deepened the kiss. One of his hands cupped the back of your head, the hair there already covered in sweat. Even it was cold with the morning breeze, you were ready to get out of your body.

The kiss ended way too soon, just as another kick, or contraction, hit you harder than before. You sucked a breath and almost stumbled to the ground.

Azriel was quick to roll his sleeves up, lowering you until you were laying on the ground. Looking up at him, he gave you reassuring smile and hesitant nod.

“We’re having a baby” he squeezed your shoulder.

You tried to smile as another contraction hit and the first scream broke the silent morning.

Want to read more? Check out my side blog @imaginesmaimasterlists, where I keep all the masterlists! Feedback is always appreciated

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[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. oldie lefty eyebag honey nut cheerio 😅

I am good, just cold and working. It's snowing here, I'll whisper to the sky to go to Oklahoma so you can have some snow 🤣😁

You don't have to apologize for replying late, it's fine if it takes you awhile lol but I am sorry that you are having your visitor, it always dampens my mood the day before it arrives. I hope you don't mind me asking, how often do you do intermitten fasting? Do you get mad when you see pictures of food that you can't have while fasting?

I hear you on that, growing up in the Philippines, it's always humid and hot. But it is different from the heat here, I've noticed.

Maybe someday you will go there with the family 😃 I want to go to Disney world too, and Legoland and Epcot. The tickets are just so expensive. But I want to go so I can check out the food and some of the rides!

For my birthday last year, I went to a small lego land in KS, I could've stayed in there the whole day 😅

Yeah, I am going there this March. I think if we're timing it right, I will be gone for almost 2 weeks! It's not enough time but we will make the most of it. Don't miss me too much when I'm gone hahahaha just kidding

Of course I remember your birthday. It's close to Elizabeth's birthday! Do you at least have cake or something for your birthday?

Have you ever collected little trinkets that hold a sentimental value?

-CuriousGeorge

Corn-punn! Heeeyy! How r u? Again, sorry for the late reply..

Hows ur day so far?

Yes please blow the snow to come here..😅🤣 but dont use straw, it takes too long.lol.

I just found out im not gonna have a visitor this week. His cousin will come next weekend.

I just started the fasting yesterday.. i did it for a week last month but then i got sick of bronchitis so i stopped until i feel better.. n i just restarted it again yesterday. No, i dont get mad when i see picts of food when im fasting.😅 it just make my stomach growl though.lol.

I been to phlipine's airport for transit and i could feel the heat n the humidity even when i didnt get out og the airport. Same like indonesia..

I hv been to legoland, for me it was okay.. 😁 but i was amazed with all the things that they built with lego pieces.

What is epcot?

Yeah disneyland is expensive. I used to have season pass for disneyland n included parking n no blackout dates i think, n it's like 500 or 600 a month.. but still it's a better deal.. because u can come anytime n not worry if it's too busy n cant ride anything then u will just go home.haha.

I also used to have universal studio season pass as well. So i went there pretty often with my bestfriend, usually on mondays because we have the same day off.hahah.

Now i have the diamond elite member season pass for six flags. It's way cheaper than disneyland.. i think it's only 50 dollar a month n it's included lunch n dinner plus a snack everytime i go n i can go to any six flag in other states. Including the waterpark.

Oh wow, that sounds fun.. any plans u gonna do or place of food u gonna go? What food that u crave the most that u cant find it here?

Haha i will miss talking with u.. u probably miss me more 😅🤣 so u wont be online here while u r there?🥺

Aaaw thats so sweet u remember my birthday! Thank you! Yeah sometimes i get cake for my birthday. I usually eat noodle on my birthday. It's a tradition since i was a kid, my mom always try to make me some noodle or buy somewhere, for a symbol n good wish of long life, she said. Haha.

Yes, sometimes i collect small sentimental trinkets. What abou u?

Next question?

Cheerio!

[nuoyipeach]

Fresh Start (seulyong os)

Feb. 18 2021

Taeyong regrets many things.

Being a coward in school. Bottling up his feelings. Never confessing to his best friend. Holding in the urge to do it even at her wedding.

Now he regrets something more than ever. He wished he knew. He wished he could have saved her from this. He wished he was the one going home and making her smile, not going home late only to make her upset.

Even her child. He wished she was his. He wished he was her dad. And frankly, the six-year-old sometimes wanted the same.

Taeyong brought her cake on her birthdays, her dad would come home and sleep. Taeyong helped her with her homework, her dad went on business trips. Taeyong helped her prepare a surprise birthday party for her mother, her dad didn't even remember.

"Why did mummy ever marry dad?"

"Don't say that Arin. If your mum and dad didn't meet you wouldn't be here." Taeyong answered as they drove home from school. Another thing, Taeyong always took her home when her mother couldn't, her dad would simply drive past.

"Still, I'd rather not be here than have a dad who never looks at me." she sighed. For a seven-year-old, Arin was quick to catch how absent her father always was. "I wish I was your baby... You're the best."

Taeyong smiled at her, a little sadly. How he wished the same.

Especially now that he found out something. Something he knew would break Arin's heart for sure. He didn't even have the courage to tell Seulgi what he saw, but he pushed himself to it knowing this was not right in any means.

He regrets even more now. He regrets not being around when she was dating this man to see his true colours. He regrets not stopping them from marrying for his own selfish reasons, because he knew for sure he would never think to hurt Seulgi like this.

He'd never have another lady behind her back.

Reaching Arin's home, he let her run in while he helped carry her bag in. "Arin can you call your mum out? I have to speak with her." the little girl nodded and ran in to call out her mother. Taeyong walked in and sat on the couch, shaking his leg and looking down as anxiety ate him up.

"Hey Taeyong." he heard her cheerful voice, the one that always made him happy. But now it made him sad. He looked up with a sad smile and watched as she sat next to him, already sensing something wrong. "What happened?"

Taking a deep breath, Taeyong looked right in her eyes. "Seulgi, you're my best friend, since forever almost. And I'd do anything to keep you happy. But... There's something I have to tell you."

"OK... What is it?"

"I... I caught him with someone else. Thrice actually..."

"Get out."

Taeyong's eyes widened, confused by her sudden command. "What?"

"Get out Taeyong. I never thought you'd go this far." Seulgi stood up, obviously angry as her hands fisted her shirt.

Taeyong stood as well. "What are you talking about Seulgi? I'm trying t-"

"I know what you’re doing. I know that you've liked me for a while now. And honestly, I'm upset you didn't tell me this before I got married to someone else. But that's over for me because I already had my love life, and I don't care for your bullsh*t stories to break up my family. I'm happy the way I am."

Taeyong was shocked, by every part of her sentence. The fact that she knew, the fact that she was upset, the fact that she doesn't care, but mostly the fact that she thinks he's lying to get her back. Anger boiled up in him, as Taeyong was not someone who liked being accused of things.

"Seulgi, as much as I still have feelings for you, that's not why I'm doing this. I did see him with another lady, three times. I'm not telling you this to break you up, trust me I would have done that long before you married. I'm telling you this because you're still my best friend, and I don't want you to suffer." Seulgi simply pointed at the door, motioning him to get out. No matter what Taeyong was the angriest here. He scoffed and turned to the door. "Have it your way then. You won't be hearing from me anymore I guess, since this is the part you refuse to speak to me further thinking I'll make up more stories to break your family. Well, I have better things to do than this, so don't bother."

Taeyong regretted what he did. He regrets cutting off from Seulgi just like that. He regrets not answering her calls. He regrets not picking up Arin from school.

He regrets not being there when the car sped up towards her.

He drove as fast as he could, reaching the hospital in no time and ran to where Seulgi had texted him they were. He reached the room after going up several floors in the elevator, and peeked in, suddenly losing all strength in his body.

He dragged himself inside and stood next to Seulgi's crouched body beside the bed, a small body laid in it covered with mask and other such equipment. Seeing her face broke Taeyong's heart even more.

"Arin..." he gently cupped her cheek in one hand and held her shoulder in the other, lightly shaking her. "Arin, wake up. I'm here, it's me uncle Yong. Baby wake up please, and I'll take you to the fair. Remember you promised me you'd get first in class? It doesn't matter. Wake up and we'll go right away baby." his voice trembled while Seulgi's loud sobs continued and he couldn't help break down soon. "Arin please, you- you need to wake up. Don't make mummy sad, you hate that. Arin..."

Unable to hold it in any longer, he let his head fall into her chest and cried out loud. "Arin I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry baby for not being there... I shouldn't have cut the call, I should've known better. Please baby wake up..."

Taeyong rarely left Arin's side. After Seulgi, he was the second person who was always with her, except for work and when he had to go home. He'd sit there and read to her like he did during her bedtime when they had sleepovers or tell her about any promotion he got at his job. Seulgi would watch and was happy, but Taeyong would catch her on her phone talking to her husband, who only came once in the past month. It was to the point Taeyong memorised what excuses he'd give.

I'm busy.

I'm tired.

Tomorrow

I've got meetings.

Sorry, too much paperwork.

Even the couple’s parents came more than he did himself obviously. When Seulgi's parents came they were beyond happy to see Taeyong. They've always favoured him when growing up, and also knew about his feelings for Seulgi but he told them to keep quiet about it. Although again, he regrets that.

But they were also the ones other than Taeyong who knew about her husband's dirty secret. Except for Seulgi and her in-laws, many friends and family knew. But when Taeyong told them how she had reacted they kept quiet, knowing she'd be too broken to hear, especially now.

When Seulgi's in-laws visit, they always give Taeyong the stank eye, as if he was here to cause trouble.

"Seulgi where's my son?" her mother-in-law asked as she eyed Taeyong going through Arin's daily health checks.

"He said he's busy again. He only came the second day." she replied to which her mother-in-law sighed and left the room. Seulgi's mother was present and looked as her daughter also sighed, sick of having to deal with her in laws always questioning about her husband, when they could easily contact their own son themselves.

And that's another thing both her mother and Taeyong noticed.

It had been a month and she was sick of seeing her daughter remain so naïve, and now she broke her limit. As her in laws left, she shut the door immediately and locked it, then looked at her daughter who stood confused. Taeyong's eyes widened and he quickly turned away, busying himself with Arin.

"Seulgi how much more is it going to take you to realise that he's cheating on you and that his family is fully aware? How much longer do I have to watch my only child and grandchild go through this mess? Why are you being such a rock head? What do you have to be so protective over? What's wrong with you!?!"

Seulgi stood shocked. The last time she heard this was her fight with Taeyong, and to hear it from her mother caught her off guard.

"Mum what do you mean? Why are you saying this?"

"Taeyong told you, yet you didn't listen. Well listen to your mother, everyone's seen him around with that other lady, even your cousin. Yet we never could tell you because Taeyong stopped us when he didn't see. He saw how happy you were, especially with Arin around, he didn't want us to ruin your happiness, that's how much he loved and cared for you. But when he saw it himself, he regretted so many things, you don't know how we had to stop him from doing anything rash. He finally picked up the courage to tell you, but you didn't listen. Look what happened, Arin's in coma! I'm not blaming either of you, but maybe if you would've listened to him and not break out a fight none of this would have happened in the first place!"

Seulgi tugged her hair back, letting out a frustrated sigh. "Taeyong get out." she suddenly mumbled.

Taeyong looked up surprised. "What?"

Seulgi turned around in a rush and faced him. "Get. Out. Go, leave. I don't want you around right now." Taeyong looked at her mother who signalled him to do as she said. He put down the clipboard of Arin's checks and silently walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. Her mother then faced back to her only to see tears streaming out of her eyes, her legs giving in as she fell sitting on the empty space of Arin's bed.

The elder lady walked up to her and held her hand. She was her mother, and if anything she knew her feelings the most over anyone else in their lives. "Honey, I know something's not right with you. Tell me, talk to me." she cupped Seulgi's face and raised her head up to look at her. "You're my baby no matter how old you grow, I know from the start honey, that you've loved Taeyong as much as he loves you still."

Seulgi cried even more, hiding her face in her mother's chest. Her mother combed her hair as she herself let out tears seeing what kind of a mess her child was in, something no loving mother would want their children through.

"Talk to me Seulgi, please."

"I loved him mum, I still do. But he was so distant with me suddenly, I didn't know why. That's why I moved on, that's why I met Arin's dad, that's why I married him because no matter how long I waited, Taeyong never said a thing. No matter how many times I messed around with guys, Taeyong kept quiet." she felt her mother move away slightly and lost the warmth for a second before she felt it again.

But it felt different, and she knew why. She fisted her hands hard and started hitting the body holding her. "You're an asshole! Why didn't you say anything! Why did you let me do all that! Why didn't you force me to break up back then! Why can't you be selfish! Why Taeyong, just why didn't you do something!"

Taeyong's face wasn't any drier as he had heard the entire conversation she had with her mother, who now stood outside instead. He realised how his kindness was a pain, how his warm heart back then only led to so many being hurt now. How he regrets not being selfish back then.

"I still love you Seulgi, but I'm such a coward. I didn't know you loved me back, I didn't know all those stunts you pulled back then was to get my attention. I didn't want to hurt you, I wanted you to be happy, even if that meant losing you to another man..."

"F*ck you Lee Taeyong!" Seulgi screamed as she stood up, shocking Taeyong who knew for the longest that she was not one to curse this easily. "F*ck you and your kindness!" she continued to cry. Taeyong pulled her into his embrace, letting her cry into his chest while his hands caressed her back.

"Leave him. He's not worth your time. Even as we speak he's off with someone else."

Seulgi pulled away and stared at him, crying suddenly stopped as her eyes burned with anger. "I won't leave him." she said catching him off guard. "Not until you kiss me."

Taeyong was even more shocked, knowing it wasn't right. "I... You're married to someone else, I can't kiss a marr-"

"Shut up!" she pushed him away. "If you're still going to be the kind person in this situation, then forget it. I won't leave him without a fight, until I do what he's putting me through. Kiss me, or I won't listen to you, or even my mother. I'll stay with this man even if he thr-"

Taeyong had had enough of her talk, enough of her stubbornness, something he was pretty fond of but not now. And he did as she wished. He grabbed her arm and pulled her roughly, colliding her lips with his own. Seulgi wasn't one to wait and her hands wrapped around his neck tight as she returned the kiss. He let go of her arm and snaked both his hands around her waist, both adults pulling their bodies closer to each other wanting not a single waste of space between them, wanting to make up for the time they lost all those years.

Out of breath, Taeyong pulled away slightly, their foreheads still pressed together as they both took shallow breaths. His eyes were fixed at her swollen lips before looking directly into hers, and suddenly he saw a glint of joy in them.

"Only you could ever make me break laws and morals..." he spoke quietly to which she chuckled.

"Sometimes it's better to be the bad person Taeyong, especially for revenge." she replied before claiming his lips again. But Taeyong was quick to pull away this time, his hold on her now gentle.

"What will you do now?"

"I'm calling him now, our marriage is over. I'll get annulment papers tomorrow itself."

Taeyong smiled proudly at her, before he remembered Arin. "What about Arin?"

Seulgi turned behind looking at her child, still laying lifeless on the bed. She thought deeply for a second, then turned back to Taeyong as she figured it all out simply. "She loves you, more than her father. He was rarely present while you were. You took care of her when he couldn't even feed her. She loves you and sees you as the man in her life, more than she even sees him as her father. Whatever happens, I know for sure she wouldn't care much if he's gone. Hurt yes, that she no longer has a father, but with you around, she won't be sad for long."

It wasn't as easy as she thought as her in laws gave quite a fight, denying the cheating accusations Seulgi threw at their son and claiming that she cheated instead. It wasn't until Seulgi swore on Arin that she never did such and yelled that even they knew about their son's affair but were too ashamed to admit it. And as usual the man arrived late, and to his family's surprise didn't hesitate much on agreeing to the divorce, even giving Seulgi full custody over Arin with no request of seeing her weekly.

During the whole ordeal Taeyong stood by Seulgi's side along with her mother, as he was her lawyer. And he didn't miss the obvious stank eye her in-laws kept giving her still, as if he was the cause of all this. At one point her mother-in-law even stood against him.

"You set this up, didn't you? You're the reason for this mess!"

"Ma'am your son himself has agreed to the annulment and accepted the claims. There's nothing more to this."

"Then why are you always around? I know for sure you got Seulgi to do this!"

Taeyong huffed dropping the file with the ex-couples’ signatures onto the table, anger clear in his eyes. "Ma'am, if there's anybody to blame here it's your son. Seulgi has been my best friend since elementary, me always being there was nothing out of the norm. Trust me in different situations I would have befriended your son as well through her. But I never attempted it because I knew what he's been doing. We've got many witnesses against him as well, so please don't make this so hard for me. I'm nothing but a lawyer here, and I'd like to solve my cases quickly and quietly, no drama."

The elder woman was about to speak when her son, now Seulgi's ex-husband, held her back. "Mum stop being so dramatic. What's done is done, let it go. I really don't care about this right now." he spoke, his attitude nonchalant and turned back to his phone.

Taeyong didn't want to drag this any longer do collected the papers together and filed them. "It will take two weeks to officiate, until then you can start moving out and discuss on possessions. If you need any help deciding those you can give me a call, however I expect that it shouldn't be too much of a problem."

"Not at all." the man replied before turning to Seulgi. "You can take all of your things and Arin's, and whatever I had gifted you too like the car, just take it."

"How can you give her so easily?" his mother yelled again.

"Because it's her right?" he replied sarcastically. "I'm the one who cheated, besides what's me keeping those things going to do for me. I don't need anything to remind me of them laying around the house."

Seulgi's blood boiled at his words. How could she have wasted all those years of her life on such a man who doesn't even show care about his own child? She looked away from them and saw Taeyong filing the final paper before standing up.

"Well then, that's all. You may leave now. You will get the letter in two weeks." and not surprisingly, her ex-in-laws were quick to leave along with the man. Seulgi's family sat there and sighed looking at each other then Taeyong, who just sat back after putting the file in his urgent cabinet.

"Well, I guess we should go now." her father spoke up. "We need to help you pack your things and move out right. Hopefully doesn't take too long, I don't want to be in that house."

Seulgi nodded sadly, when Taeyong spoke up. "No need, I've arranged for movers, they'll do it for you. I'll be there, you can come too if you want to Seulgi, but they're going there in about half an hour, so it shouldn't take too long."

The family smiled at him in gratitude, when they noticed Seulgi's fatigued face. Her mother held her hand and turned to face her. "What's wrong sweetheart?"

"Where will I go?" she whispered. "I can't move in with you guys with so much. It's a burden. I'm unemployed too, I can't afford a house now..." she held back her tears, when she noticed everyone quiet. Looking up she was shocked to see them all smiling mischievously, except for Taeyong who had a nervous look.

"Well," her father spoke up, "you actually do have a place all ready for you, and Arin." he said, eyes darting towards Taeyong, causing Seulgi to turn to him too.

"What do you mean?"

Taeyong rubbed the back of his neck, nervous from thinking what to say. "Well... I should have asked you, but I prepared my house for you to move in, with me." he looked at her directly and saw her bewildered expression. "I mean if you don't want to its completely fine, we can help you find somewhere else. Or you can stay with your parents and store your stuff at my place for now."

Seulgi bit her bottom lip looking down at her fumbling hands, all eyes in the room on her. "I... I don't know for sure. I don't want to bother you too much. And I have to watch over Arin. An-”

“Seulgi,” her mother cut her off, “how much longer are you going to underestimate Taeyong?” she looked at her mother, slightly confused. “You should go to his house with him now. Leave the movers to us, what’s more important is to change you Seulgi.“

In the next fifteen minutes Seulgi stood with Taeyong in the elevator heading down to the garage to his car. It was an awkward silence, until Taeyong suddenly moved closer and held her hand. “I have to ask you. Do you perhaps have something else in mind?”

Seulgi looked up to see his saddened eyes. “What do you mean?”

“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to be with me. It feels like I’m forcing you, and I don’t want that. If you want to be on your own with Arin go ahead, I’ll still be by your side, so there’s nothing for you to worry about losing.“

Seulgi chewed her bottom lip. Truth was, she loved the idea. Waking up every morning next to Taeyong, having his arms around her, waiting for him to come home from work while she prepared his meal, having dinner as they talked about the day, spending the nights together cuddling (or making love). She always wished it was him. When she was married for the past eight years, she completely erased those fantasies from her mind, but whenever she saw him playing with Arin or helping her with errands, she couldn’t help wishing it was him for a split second before reminding herself she was a married woman.

Now she doesn’t have to stop it. But another worry filled her mind.

She wanted to give him time, she wanted to take some time herself as a matter of fact. It felt so fast, one moment she’s married, the next she’s divorced, the next she’s moving with another man already. All while her daughter, the light of her life, was in the hospital.

The elevator bell got her attention back to reality, and she quickly followed behind as Taeyong had already walked out, evidently hurt by her silence as an answer. While in the car driving to his house, which she realised she barely even knew the way to, she thought of an answer, not wanting to leave him with silence.

“Taeyong...” he replied with a hum, “I... I don’t know what I want. Don’t get me wrong, I love you, I want nothing more to start my life over with you. But... It feels so fast. I thought we could have a fresh start, take a step at a time you know. But at the same time, I don’t want to go through it all again. Then there’s Arin. I need to think about her. It’s obvious he won’t be taking part in her life anymore, I’m all she has...”

The car came to a halt and she realised they had already reached Taeyong’s double storey house. She peeked around and found it was in a quiet neighbourhood, and it was big but felt very homely. She watched as he got out and followed behind him until entering the house. Taeyong not once has said a word to her, and it was starting to make her emotional. Did she hurt him with what she said? She stood in the middle of the hallway, trying to fight back her tears, when a hand slipped into her own.

“I want to show you something.“ Taeyong said softly before pulling her along across the living room to the second floor. There was another hallway, then what seemed like a family living area, then three doors, then what she figured were the rooftop patio doors at the end of the hallway. He tugged her to one of the doors and motioned for her to open it. All the while Seulgi wondered why he had such a big house to himself, but shook off the thoughts as she turned the handle and entered...

A kid's room. The walls were coloured baby pink, a white high platform bed with drawers on the side, a shelf with several toys and books, and a table with colour pencils scattered on them. She also spotted two doors, one guessing the bathroom while the other looked like a closet room, though it seemed locked.

However, everything looked as if no one had touched a thing for the longest time.

“You know, whenever Arin stayed over, this was her room.“ he suddenly said catching her attention as Seulgi looked at him, obviously confused why he would dedicate an entire room to her child. “Don’t take this the wrong way, I had no intention of breaking your family. But I also had no intention starting my own. I felt like staying single for the rest of my life was the better option. When Arin started staying over, it made me feel alive to have someone around. And when her visits became frequent, I figured giving her a room here wouldn’t have been a bad idea. Whenever you were busy and she stayed, I’d let her take over this place. Ever since our, well, fight, this room became unused. It hurt me, if I may be honest, that I lost you in more than just one way. This room wasn’t just for Arin, but whenever I felt sick of my life I’d come here and look at her drawings. She loves to draw, same as you, and looking at them would help me relive childhood moments, when I was happy. When I was with you.“

Seulgi looked back at the room, walking towards the wall with all of Arin's drawings hung up. Some were of her and her mother, some with Seulgi's parents, and some with Taeyong.

None of her own father.

She then continued to the shelf of toys, before looking back at Taeyong. "You bought her so many things..." she said when he gave a chuckle.

"They're ours."

"What?"

Taeyong walked next to her, looked at the shelf before picking out a small toy and handing it to her. "They're our toys, well some of them, the ones that survived I guess. I had them in a box in my basement, and Arin somehow found them. I must say, she gave me quite a heart attack when I couldn't find her that time." he laughed softly remembering the day he had almost lost his life unable to find the child, only to see her playing with the toys in the basement.

"You gave them to her?"

"Yes. Back then there was nothing in this room except for the shelf. When I saw her playing with them, I allowed her to have them to herself and let her put them on the shelf so she could get them easily. That was when I decided to give her this room."

Taking her hand, he led her to the bed and sat down with her. Her hands felt around the covers. "And this bed?"

"I got it recently, after our talk at the hospital. I guess I got excited to finally have you with me, and I figured the first step to our relationship would be Arin's life."

Seulgi didn't care to hold back her tears, moving closer into his arms. "How did you accept..." she mumbled into his shoulder.

"Accept what?"

"Arin." she moved away and spoke. "Any other person would have been hurt to see the person they love marry away and have a family of their own. How did you love Arin so much, despite her father being him?"

Taeyong sighed, hand running through her hair before cupping her cheek. "In my eyes Arin was your child. Yours and only yours. Of course I acknowledged her father, but I treated her like my own. I sound selfish, I'll admit I sometimes thought I was going crazy, a psycho for having such thoughts. But I couldn't help it... Especially when I found out he was cheating, I knew I had to be there for you two."

Seulgi leaned against his chest, and with his arm around her, Taeyong slolwy laid down with her. Her hand stroked his clothed chest while his fingers threaded through her locks hummin softly to their favourite song since they were young. They stayed like that in silence for a long time, until he felt her head turn to look up at him so he faced her.

Seulgi stared at him quietly but he could tell she was thinking hard about something. “Taeyong...” he hummed in response. “Will you please adopt Arin?”

Seulgi was moved in by the next day, and Taeyong showed her their new bedroom (technically not a new bedroom, but new to them as a couple). He also helped her move Arin’s things into her room.

A week after she received the divorce letter, the two were already at his office again signing marriage papers, and Taeyong’s adoption over Arin. Seulgi almost teared up watching him sign the adoption papers, and gave him permission to change Arin’s last name to his. It wasn’t just for him though, but Seulgi didn’t want Arin to wake up as that man’s daughter anymore. She wanted Arin to have a better life, with a better father.

The couple had also agreed to not hold any sort of ceremony or such until Arin was better, not just awake, but awake and living. They both prioritised the young girl’s life more than anything else to them, and ever since her doctor allowed for Arin to be kept at home, they even slept in the same room with bedding on the floor, not leaving her alone for a second.

Taeyong once caught Seulgi up at night, crying holding her daughter’s hand. He got up and sat closer to her, hugging her from behind. "It will get better, I promise." he whispered, his hand holding hers which held onto Arin's. She cried even more, turning towards him and hiding her face in his chest.

"I miss her. I feel like I'm losing her day by day. I can't even remember the last words she said to me anymore. I keep having dreams, hallucinations, that she's here with us, playing around the house. Whenever you go to work, when I'm cooking or doing anything, I keep seeing her..."

Taeyong shushed her kissing her forehead, his hand now in her hair while the other pulled her into his lap and stayed at her hips. He knew what she meant, he noticed it too. Whenever Seulgi was silently doing an errand, he'd catch her look straight ahead and suddenly smile. He knew why, but he never bothered her about it, scared she may have not realised it and would only make her worry more.

"I'm tired Taeyong... I feel like giving up."

"Hush Seulgi, don't say or do that. Don't think about it. We will have her back, I promise."

Seulgi only sighed, letting out more tears. "We've done everything. Talk, play music, they said she'll wake up soon. When is soon? It's killing me. I’m going crazy."

Taeyong silently kept craddling her until he felt her go limp and knew she was asleep by then. Slowly he laid her back down on the floor bed they had, not once letting go of her hand as he laid beside her.

As if Arin’s position wasn’t hard enough, Seulgi cried locking herself in the closet. It was Valentine’s Day a week ago, & the couple had decided to take just one day to themselves and rest easy to spend some alone time.

Now she regrets not taking precaution, thinking her timing was safe.

“Seulgi, please open up. I saw it, in the trash. Love come out so we can talk it through. I won’t push you for anything, you know that Seulgi.“

She opened the door and threw herself into Taeyong’s arms, wanting nothing more than silence. Taeyong knew this, and gently carried her up to their bed, still hugging her. They remained quiet for a long time, until she took slower breaths and eased her body. He looked down at her trying to see her expression, giving her forehead a gentle kiss.

“Do you want to keep it?“ he asked softly. “It’s entirely up to you. I’m sorry this happened so suddenly, you have every right to make whatever decision it is.“

Seulgi looked up at him, then hid in his chest again. She didn’t know what to do. For some reason even she couldn’t think of, she had too many conflicitng thoughts going through her head.

What if another child takes their attention away from Arin?

What if Taeyong really disapproves of abortion?

What if having the baby gives them some peace?

What if Arin wakes up happier than ever to this baby?

What if Taeyong forgets about Arin having his own child?

What if hearing the baby will wake up Arin?

What if...

“I don’t know...” she cried again. “I don’t know what to do. There’s so many things, what if Arin loves it and wakes up, or what if you push Arin aside...”

“Hey!“ Taeyong pushed her out and held her by the shoulders. “You know I love Arin more than anything. Why would you say that? That hurts my feelings... I love her Seulgi. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have done so much for her even before our relationship.“

Seulgi looked down feeling guilty of having such thoughts. She knew very well how much Taeyong loved her daughter, how much he would give up for her. She looked back at him and shook her head apologetically. “I’m sorry... You’re right, I shouldn’t have thought of that.”

Taeyong sighed before hugging her again. “It’s OK. But tell me, about this now.” he said holding her head to his chest.

After a long silence, Seulgi looked back at him with a nervous look. “Do you think Arin would love a younger sibling?”

Taeyong smiled and cupped her cheek. “Arin’s a sweet girl. I’m sure she’d love nothing more than becoming an older sister. Remember how she took care of you when you got sick, and she was only five.” he chuckled softly. Seulgi smiled and looked down to their intertwined hands, the ring on his finger bringing her some sort of reassurance of trust.

part 2 (cuz this is getting too long😅)

[purplesurveys]

997

survey by deirdrelove

What is today’s date? October 26th.

Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Just work. All weekdays are for work.

Do you wear perfume or cologne? Usually, perfume. I have colognes too, but I like the scent of my main perfume far more so that’s what I choose to wear most of the time.

What kind of computer are you using? I have a Macbook Air.

What colour is your mouse? I haven’t used one in years. A trackpad has been reliable enough.

Is it sunny outside? It’s not. I’m not updated on the news but I think we’re supposed to have a really powerful typhoon pass by for the next few days, so the wind has been violent and howling all morning. Some of my co-workers have had power outages at home only used their mobile data today so yeah, it’s not looking too good. I’ve closed my windows for the meantime so that they don’t smash just in case the wind blows too hard.

What has the weather been like lately? It’s been very cold all weekend because of the rain, but it also gets humid every now and then. Still, it’s cold enough for me to turn off my fan all day which is good enough.

When was the last time you cried? Last night, I think.

When was the last time you sincerely smiled? I don’t remember. Maybe last night or yesterday afternoon.

When was the last time you laughed freely? I can’t tell you. I really can’t remember when the last time was. I’ve chuckled here and there, of course; it just hasn’t been hearty for a while now.

Do you eat breakfast regularly? No. I only have a cup of coffee so that I can get properly awake for workkk.

Do you take vitamins? Not regularly.

When was the last time you took aspirin or some other pain reliever? Saturday. I had a headache and was feeling a little dizzy so I had to take a Biogesic.

When did you learn to tie your shoes? Kinder 2, when I was five. One of our ‘exams’ was for the teachers to check if we can already tie our shoes, so my grandma had to teach me. I’m super awful with my hands though, and to this day I still struggle with tying my shoelaces and I still take longer than anyone I know.

What was your favourite grade in elementary school? 5th was fun until things fell apart by the end of it; 7th was great throughout.

Do you like clouds? I like when it’s cloudy, but I don’t lie on the ground and look at clouds.

What colour are your shoelaces? I have several shoes, but I think all of their shoelaces are white.

How many states have you been to? 0.

How many different countries have you been to? 6.

When was the last time you deeply regretted something? September.

Do you go to other people for advice or do you deal with things on your own? I like hearing what my friends have to think because whenever I’ve done things on my own I always fuck it up one way or another, and that sensation gets tiring at some point. Having other perspectives and voices helps as well.

How long was your longest relationship? 4 years.

What is your favourite brand of gum? I don’t have one considering they all lose their taste after a few chews. Whenever someone has gum and shares a piece with me, I just take it regardless of the brand.

What is something that you regularly wear that makes you stand out? I don’t know if I have anything like that. I hate standing out, anyway.

Do you own a debit card? Yuh.

A credit card? Nope.

Are you in debt? I am not.

When is your birthday? *sigh* Again, April 21st...

How old will you be? I’ll be 23.

What kind of cake is your favourite? Cheesecake! Flourless chocolate cakes and red velvet cakes are also great.

Do you prefer small birthday parties or big ones? For parties held by relatives I like them to be big, because it’s always nice to reunite with distant family members that I never get to see. With friends, small and intimate parties do the trick for me.

What song are you listening to now? No music, and I have a YouTube video paused.

Do you download illegal mp3's? I used to convert YouTube videos of audio tracks into MP3, if that counts. I never directly downloaded MP3s though; I always heard horror stories of those things containing viruses or the downloaded file not even storing the actual song.

What was the most traumatic experience of your life? [trigger warning] Being the main witness to my drunk grandfather beating the ever-living shit out of my infant cousin in his stupor when I was 9, and bearing the responsibility to tell that cousin’s mom, who was cooking dinner. I’m pretty sure I aged like 15 years from that moment alone.

Have you ever lost a friend to drugs or alcohol? No.

Who was your childhood best friend? Angela.

Are you still friends now? Yeah, for sure. I just asked her for dyeing tips an hour ago.

If not, why?

Are you sitting at a desk right now? Yes.

Are you eating or drinking? Nope, but I’ll be having dinner in about an hour or so.

How many surveys have you taken today? This is the first one.

Have you ever made a survey? No. I’m not the best in coming up with interesting random questions, so I’ve never given it a shot. Others are way better at it.

If you haven't you should. Its fun. =] I’m sure it is, but I really don’t think I’m creative enough for it.

Did you ever have any sort of collection? Nah.

Do you believe in Karma? I don’t subscribe to the entire concept as it’s defined in Hinduism, but yeah sometimes I’ll refer to its more informal description whenever someone does something that upsets me.

What do you thinks happens to us when we die? Permanent sleep.

What age do you think you'll die? My late relatives all passed between the ages of 70 to early 80s, so maybe by then. But idk, I hope I get my great-grandma’s longevity (she died at 95) because I’m still competitive when it comes to age and I wanna make it to that high a number, ha.

If you knew you had one more month to live what would you do? Well first I’d give out a sigh of relief because thank fuck. After that I’d probably spend the whole month eating all my favorite foods and traveling, at least to the cities that are now accepting visitors. I’d write down instructions for Kimi so that he’s properly cared for, give away my stuff, try to see some friends before it all ends.

About how long was the last book you read? It’s around 600 pages but I’m barely 50 pages in.

Have you read any books by V.C.Andrews? I don’t think so.

Have you ever read a play before? Yes.

A play not written by Shakespeare? Yes.

Have you ever read a play outside of school? Yeah, I have.

What is one career you don't think you could do no matter how much it paid? Engineer.

Would you want to live in the country or the city? City, without a doubt. I like the countryside and it’s certainly relaxing, but I need things to be constantly going on; I like my environment to be hectic, be loud, be busy. Too much quiet isn’t good for me.

Do you prefer large cities or small ones? Large.

Do you/Did you ride the school bus? Yep.

If not how did you get to school?

Do you have iTunes on your computer? Yeah but only because I’m on a Mac and I’m not sure if I can remove the app from my laptop. I haven’t used iTunes since high school though, and if I could I’d get rid of it.

Have you ever edited Wikipedia? Yeah, when I was like 10 lol. It wasn’t to mess around with an entry though; I saw an inaccuracy and genuinely wanted to help out.

Have you ever edited any other wiki? I’m sure I edited more than one page.

Is there a website [besides social networking] that you check almost daily? I don’t think so.

Are you procrastinating? Nope, all my homework for the day’s been done.

Do/Did you make good grades in school? In college, yes. I paid less attention in high school and my grades occasionally showed it.

What is your relationship with your parents like? It’s very casual and not very deep at all. I don’t confide in them, and the thought actually makes me squirm. I’m still skeptical of my mom and I don’t let myself get invested in her after the hurt she’s put me through in the last few years, but at least we don’t yell at each other as much anymore.

Do you have a better relationship with one parent than the other? You can say that. I get along better with my dad.

Do you look like your mom or your dad? Mom. But for some friends, my dad.

Do you write things on your hand to remind yourself? This is what I did in high school, but I haven’t done it since.

Do you use your phone as an alarm? If I need an alarm, yes.

Do you listen to music while you sleep? Nope, but similar. I turn on videos because talking sounds make me sleepy much faster.

Do you get scared when you know some virus or sickness is being passed? I mean if it’s like a plague then yeah, obviously. But to connect this question to today’s situation - after getting used to Covid stats and seeing the ratio of those who die from it vs those who end up healing from it, I’ve highkey stopped being afraid of it lol

Are you realistic? Yes.

Do you sing in the shower? Nope.

[interludcs]

          BENEDETTA   PORCAROLI   ,   CIS   FEMALE   ,   SHE   /   HER   →   according   to   the   school   records   ,   GIOVANNA   ELOISA   ARGENTI   has   been   attending   sacred   heart   for   the   past   two   years   .   i   last   saw   them   hanging   around   stan's   place   ;   i   think   they   were   tying   cherry   stems   into   knots   .   at   twenty   -   one   ,   gio   has   been   studying   classics   and   get   this   ,   i   heard   that   her   bloodline   has   long   been   cursed   to   succumb   to   inevitable   madness   and   it’s   been   the   cause   of   many   mysterious   deaths   in   the   family   already   —   figure   it’s   true   ?   everyone   around   here   always   associates   them   with   biting   into   an   apple   only   to   realize   it’s   rotten   ,   a   bloody   nose   dripping   onto   silk   stockings   ,   and   the   distorted   screech   of   a   violin   coming   from   another   room   .   in   the   time   since   these   strange   happenings   ,   they   have   encountered   unexplained   occurrences   .  

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     QUICK  STATS  !

full  name  :   giovanna   eloisa   argenti

nickname(s)  :   gio   ,   gigi   (   although   she   likes   to   think   she   outgrew   it  )

zodiac  :   scorpio   sun   ,   gemini   moon   (  click   !  )

sexuality  :   bisexual   .

occupation  :   student   &   heiress   .

birthplace  :   rome   ,   italy   .

current residence  :   sacred   heart   academy   . 

pinterest   :   (   click   !   )  

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     BACKSTORY  !  (   tw   :   depression   ,   murder   ,   suicide   &   drug   abuse   )

born   in   1953   to   one   of   the  wealthiest   families   in   italy   !   the   argenti's   posses   a   ridiculous  and   tbh   kinda   disgusting   fortune   because   of   their   distant   ties   to   the   old   italian   monarchy   ...   and   are   also   long   rumored   to   have   been   cursed   hundreds   of   years   ago   as   divine   punishment    for   the   sins   of   a   past    family   member   . 

the   family    has    a    long   and   gruesome   history   —   good   husbands   turning   into   killers   ,   more   than   one   argenti   woman    flinging   herself   off   one   of    the   many   balconies   in   the   family   estate   ,   children   who   hear   voices   in   the   night   .   more   often    than    people   care   to   count   ,   these   fits   of   madness   are   seemingly   inexplicable   .        

giovanna   was   born   on   chilly   autumn   night   .   she   would   be   her   mother’s   first   and   last   child   ,   but   lucianna   argenti   saw   her   baby   girl   as   anything   but   a   miracle   .   when   she   was   only   five   months   old   ,   a   nanny   discovered   the   woman   trying   to   drown   giovanna   in   the   bathtub   ,   stuck   in   a   trance   she’d   later   have   no   recollection   of   being   in   .   long   in   denial   of   the   family   curse   ,    marco   argenti   hired   nearly   every   notable   doctor   in   italy   ,   but   none   of   them   could   find   a   sound   explanation   for   the   violent   and   nonsensical   trances   his   wife   would   experience   for   the   next   three   years   before   ultimately   taking   her   own   life   .        

leaving   giovanna   to   grow   up   all   alone   in   the   too   big   family   estate   at   the   hands   of   nannies   ,   marco   argenti   would  spend   the   better   years   of   his   only   daughter’s   life   traveling   all   around   europe   ,   desperate   to   shake   the   ghost   of   his   wife   ,   but   never    succeeding   . 

despite   all   the   tragedy   early   on   in   gio’s   life   ,   she   had   an   almost   typical   upbringing   for   someone  in   her   socioeconomic   circle   .   a   childhood   devoid   of   the   love   her   parents   were   supposed   to   give   ,   nannies   who   gave   in   to   the   rotten   demands   only   a    wealthy   child   and   sole   heir   could   conjure   up   ,    a    house   that   never   felt   like   a   home   .

by   the   time   she   was   a   teenager   ,   gio   had   grown   up   to   be   a   different   kind   of   monster   —   not   the   madwomen   her   classmates   would   snicker   about   when   speaking   ill   of   the   blood   that   flowed   through   her   veins   ,    but   something   perhaps   more   dangerous   ,   a   selfish   girl   too   clever   and   too   beautiful   for   her   own   good   . 

on   the   eve   of   her   18th   birthday   her   father   makes   his   grand   return   home  ,   gone   so   long   he   mistakes   his   daughter   for   a   maid   before   a   groundskeeper   politely   informs   him   of   his   mistake   .   causing   more  tension   still   was   the   brand   new   gold   band   on   his   ring   finger   ,   as   well   as   the   announcement   that   he’s   selling   the   estate  ,   and   that   gio’s   to   come   live   with   his   new   wife   and   three   small   children   in   france   .

the   day   giovanna   argenti   turns   18   is   a   day   she   can   no   longer   remember  save  for   waking   up   in   the   remnants   of   a   burnt   down   home   ,   ash   caked   underneath   her   fingernails   ,   smoke   burning   her   lungs   .   servants   who   have   been   loyal   to   the   argenti   family   for   decades   will   later   testify   that  there   had   been   a   terrible   accident   lighting   the   birthday   cake   that   night   ,   that   marco  argenti   had   never   returned   home   the   night   before   ,    and   that   the   family   of   four   in   paris   crying   murder   were   nothing    but   scammers   after   the   family   fortune   .

gio   spends   the   next   year   scrambling   to   piece   together   the   mysterious   events   ,   a   tiny   voice   inside   her   head   insisting   something   wasn’t   right   with   the   story   she’d   been   fed   by   the   people   who  raised   her   ,   albeit   confused   as   to   why   they’d   hide   the   truth   if   something   sinister   had   indeed   happened  that   night  .  she   could   have   sworn   the   memory   of   her   father   coming   home   was   a   real   one   —   until   she   gets   a   letter   in   the   mail  ,   signed   marco   argenti   ,   polaroid  attached  ,   a   blurry   shot   of   a   man   who   bears   the   family   resemblance  standing   in   front   of   the   statue   of   liberty   .

cue   the   drug   abuse   (   coke   being   her   poison  of   choice   )   ,   the   reckless   and   dangerous   stunts   all   in   the   name   of   having   a   good   time   ,   the   mind   numbing   sex   with   strangers   .   heart   heavy   with   the   idea   that   she   was   indeed   going   insane   ,   following   in   the   footsteps   of   all   the   argenti’s   that   had   come   before   her   ,   giovanna   was   left   with   the   haunting   sensation   that   her   life   was   already   doomed   ,   and   so   she   might   as   well   make   the   most   of   it   .  on   the   flip   side   of   this   she   also   came   to   the   realization   that   she   could   pretty   much   ....   do   whatever   she   wanted   and   get   away   with   it   ?   people   already   thought   she   was   cursed   and   crazy   ...   might   as    well   act   the   part   ...   a    little    self   fulfilling   prophecy  ...   as   a   treat   <3      

in   a   feeble   attempt   to   save   her   from  an   untimely   and   rather   stupid   demise   ,   she   is   shipped   off   to   sacred   heart   academy   ,   a   place   a   distant   cousin   once   attended   .   mind   clouded   by   addiction   and   unresolved   trauma   alike   ,   giovanna   can’t   be   sure   the   strange   happenings   at   sacred   heart   are   real   at   all   or   just   a   product   of   a   dark   and   overactive   imagination   .   

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     PERSONALITY  +  TIDBITS  !

first   &   foremost   ...   gio   was   inspired   loosely   by   some   sexy   women   including   miss   effy   stonem   from   skins   ,   choi   sooji   from   tempted   ,   ludo   from   baby   ,   villanelle   from   killing   eve   &   lady   macbeth   minus   the   murder   (   ...   unless   ?   😏   )   ,   as   well   as   more   lana   del   rey   songs   than   i   care   to   admit   so   we   won’t   be   talking   about   it   aha   x

yes   what   i’m   trying   to   say   is   she’s   a   little   unhinged   ...   but   in   that   fun   sexy   way   like   when   amy   dunne   gives   the   cool   girl   speech   in   gone   girl   .

speaking   of    cool   girls   ...   gio   is��  one   😌   you   would   think   growing   up   with   a   last   name   that’s   literally   famous   for   being   cursed    would   have   put   a   bigger    damper   on   her    popularity   among   people   but   there’s   a   certain   fascination   gio   holds   and   she   knows   it   .   this   isn’t   to   say   she’s   got   a   lot   of   friends   because   she   definitely   doesn’t   ,   she   just   knows   how   to   get   people’s   attention   .

at   her    core   she   is   clever   ,    charming   ,    everything   someone   who   grew   up   with   money   is   bound   to   be   .   but   unlike   the   selfishness   of    other   trust   fund   babies   ,   gio’s    operates   on   a   different   scale   .   she’s   self   obsessed   ,    not   because   she   views   herself   as   better   than   anyone   else   ,   but  because   she’s    so   haunted    by   the   idea   that   something   terrible   and   wicked   exists   inside   of   her   and   it’s   only   a   matter   of   time   before   darkness   takes   over   .

in   an   effort   to   counter   that   weight   ,    she   breezes   through   life   without   taking   much   seriously   .    toying   with   people   ,   the   mind   games   she   plays   ,    it’s   all   an   effort   to   distract   herself   ,   to   entertain   her   brain   with   thoughts   that   somehow   seem   lighter   in   comparison   to   her   own   inevitable   self   destruction   although   the   people   she   plays   with   might   say   otherwise   . 

consequences   should   scare   her   more   than   they   do   ,   but   honestly   she’s   got   a   penchant   for   doing   the   things   deemed   bad   for   her   .   on   one   hand   she   figures   little   matters   if   she’s   truly   cursed   ,    on   the   other   hand   she   figures   if    she   is   cursed   than   whatever   consequence   comes   her   way   is   deserved   .

flirty   ,    but   most   of   the   time   it   never   means   anything   .   she   is   prone   to   intense   infatuations   ,   however   ,   all   of   which   have   ended   tragically   so   far   so   proceed   with   caution   .

she’s   definitely   someone   most   people   would   know   of   ,    as    she’s   got   an   almost   bad   habit   of   striking   up   conversations   with   whoever   ,   but   ask   someone   to   name   her   favorite   color   or   any   profound   fact   about   her   and   they   probably   wouldn’t   be   able   to   .

very  nosy   due   to   her   childhood   of   people   watching  and   intensely   studying   the   adults   who   raised   her   ,   and   so   the   habit   has   carried   on   into   her   adult   life   .   she   won’t   outwardly   pry   ,   but   if   you   catch   her   interest   she’ll   unabashedly   observe   you   like   she’s   an   actor   trying   to   better   understand   their   part   .

tons   of   fun   at   parties   ,   but   also   in   class   ,   considering   she’s   snorting   enough   coke   on   the   daily   to   treat   school   like   it’s   one   big   social   gathering   .   life’s   a   beach   baby   <3

studying   classics   because   she   likes   how   intense   the   stories   and   history   are  ,   but   she’s   surprised   herself   by   being   rather   good   at   the   language   aspect   of   the   major   .

deep   deep   down   ...  there   is   the   desire   to  be   understood   and   loved   despite   whatever   uninhibited   thing   she’s   convinced   lurks   around   inside   her  but   that   is   constantly   in   conflict   with   the   idea   that   she’s   fundamentally   undeserving   of   real   affection   ...   just  girly   things  you   know    🥺

━  ˙ ˖  ☆     WANTED  CONNECTIONS  !  (  all  open  to  all  genders  )

 my   brain   is   quite   literally   all   rot   rn   im   just   gonna   list   stuff   with  minimal   elaboration  please   vibe   with   me   ...

people   she   gets   high   with  <3   

ex   infatuations   that   ended   tragically   lets   get   that   angst

spare   parental   figures   ...   any   professors   out   there   want   a   demon   child   who   will   idolize   u   but   not   know   how   to   deal   with   that   so   they   just   act   up   all   the   while   hoping   for   forgiveness   and   the   attention   they   never   got   from   their   own   parents   </3      

speaking   of   professors   i   will   play   into   the   problematic  trope   of   a   student   being   obsessed   with   a   professor   -___-   solely   because  i   would   lov   to   have   gio   go   full   throttle   crazy   ...   as   a   treat   ...   this   has   nothing   to   do   with   that   one   line   in   lorde’s   writer   in   the   dark   u   know   the   one   truly   this   does   not   have   to   be   reciprocated   at   ALL            

a   confidant   /    someone   she   probably   considers   her   closest  friend   who   she   is   constantly  disgusted   with   herself   for   opening   up   to   but   also   truly   not   able   to   live   without   so   it’s   a   fun  cycle   of   push   and   pull   but  truly  she’d   probably  die  for   them  just   don’t  ask   her   that   she’ll   say   no   

i   think   it   would   be   fun   to    have   someone   who   knows   about   the   supposed   argenti   curse   maybe   their  family   had   some   associations   to   gio’s   or   maybe   they   spent   some  time  in  italy   at   some   point   growing   up   and   met   her   there   idk   im   cute   not   smart   ...

we’ve  all   been   begging  and  begging   i   will   jump   on   the   bandwagon   and   ask   for   a   sexy   rival   doesnt   mean   anything   if   u   say   i   hate  u   after   hooking  up     

someone   she   keeps   bumping   into  when   she’s   sneaking   out   past   curfew   or   cutting   class   and   at   first   it   was   like   dude   seriously   do   we   have   to   start   alternating   but   now   it   turned  into   like   wow   i   really   hope   we   bump   into   each   other   again   would   u   like   a  cigarette   wanna   listen   to   some   music   together   

 someone   she   sees   a   lot   at   stan’s   place   .   perhaps   on   campus   they   have   a   very   different  relationship   but   off   campus   they  feel   free   to  have   another

current   hookups   we   love   to   see   it   there’s   so   many   directions   to   go   in    maybe   its   purely   a   casual   thing   ,    maybe   it’s   casual   for   gio   but   not   for   them   ,   or    maybe   gio’s   the   one   like   worm   maybe   i  would   like   more   than   sex   ,    maybe   it’s   like   a   we   only   hookup   when   we’re   high   at   parties   thing  ,   perhaps   it’s   a   secret   hookup   thing   so   it   gets   angsty      

maybe   a   rival   or   someone   she   swears   she   hates   and   they   swear   the   same   but   they   accidentally   bond   along   the   way   and   it’s   like   well   i   thought   i   hated   u   but   perhaps  we   are   more   similar   than   we   thought   but   also   we   only   know   how   to   be  enemies  so   how   do   we   even   move   past   this   ...

perhaps   someone   gio   goes   to   when   she’s   especially   fucked   up   and   they   take   care   of   her   /   start   to   resent   her   for   seemingly   caring   so   little   abt   her   own   well   being   and   she   resents   them   for   caring   too  much   bc   it’s   not   liked   she   asked   but   she   keeps   showing   up   at   their   door   and   they   keep   letting   her   in   

someone   she   can   be   in   cahoots   with   ...   go   absolutely   bonkers   with   knowing   they   won’t   judge   her   and   she   won’t   judge   them

perhaps   someone   she   can   be   a   bad   influence   on

also   someone   who   makes   her   want   to   be   a   better   person   bc   we   need   balance

a   group   of   girls   gio   can   be   like   men   r   disgusting   with   but   then   they  catch   her   hooking   up   with   said   stinky   man   and   it’s   just   a   cycle   like   please   get   some  help  luv   

a   dealer   mayhaps   ?   

someone   whose   favorite   pen   she   stole   but   blatantly   lied   and   said   she   didn’t   steal   it   but   she   uses   it   everyday  in   class   so   u   know   she   did   in  fact   steal   ur   pen

ok   she’s   out   of   juice   i’m   she      

i   wont   lie   to   u   ive   been   writing   this   all  damn   day   …   but   we   finally   made   it   baby   😭😭😭   im   sosososo  sorry   for   the   length   &  the   wait   …   also   i   feel   like   my   charas   always   change   a  lil   once   i   actually   start   plotting   &   writing   so   sorry   again   if   u   see   me   finally   writing   as   giovanna   on   the   dash   and   ur   like   lit   rally   who   is   that   …  JSDBWJBDWBDJ   also   side   note   i   promise   u   im   almost  done   word   vomiting   all   over   the   place   but   it   must   b   said   ...   u   know   how   there’s   that   trope   that   supposed   insanity   is   like   not   always  real    like   how   female   hysteria   was   a   whole   as   thing   or   like   how   in   haunting   of   hill   house   where   the   charas   weren’t   really   haunted   by   ghosts   at   all   more   so   by   their   trauma   ...   that   was   my   whole   inspo   with   the   argenti’s   like   are   they   even  cursed   at   all   ?   who   is   to   say   ...   PLEASE  come  message  me  on  discord  to  plot   !   @ you are my soulmate ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ#8172   maybe  …   give   this   a   like   if   u   wanna   …   do   that   hehehe   thank   u   for   reading   all   this   ur   so   brave   for   that   stay   sexy   stan   loona  x  

[tylercamebackyes]

i adore you, Cy.

-

surprise!! @imonlyhereforgay this is your gift!! i was stressing over it because everyone has so many parts and amazing stuff but i worked really hard on mine so im not changing it anymore. happy pride! also i used When too many times but i dont think TJ would care if he wrote a letter to Cyrus.

-

TJ writes a confession to Cyrus.

-

Dear Cyrus,

These are 10 of the times I got lost in your eyes.

When we went out for milkshakes after my first game of the season. You were telling a story about how your cousin drank his milkshake in 4 minutes flat, only to realize he was lactose intolerant. He never went out to eat with you again because you laughed at him for weeks. You laughed so hard telling the story that you started crying, but your eyes were lit up with joy.

When you came out to me in your basement. I made a joke about how girls would love a ping pong champion. You said you hoped the guys did too. The guys most certainly do. I was stunned into silence because I realized you wouldn't find it so weird that I thought your eyes were pretty.

That time we went on the Ferris wheel at Adrenaline City. You wouldn't look away from the spinning wheel, but I made you have a staring contest with me. You looked like you were about to cry until Marty spun the wheel and you screeched with your head in your hands.

When I had dinner at your house for your dad's birthday. I was helping serve cake when you said I had gotten frosting on my nose. You wiped it off with a napkin because I "wasn't getting the blue off." The blue didn't even come off after.

When I was getting you do do the high jump into the foam pit at Bouncy Castle Land. Andi and Buffy had always let you sit out, but I made you count to 10 with me before you let me push you off the platform.

When my cat had kittens and you were holding one, but it sneezed and you look at me smiling like a goof. I thought I could look at you smiling like a goof forever.

That time we were studying for my math test and you laughed at the drawing of my cat. When you laugh you get a sparkle in your eye. I got  B+ on that math test and you took me to the Spoon to celebrate.

When we were playing the second championship game and I looked over at you during the last timeout. Your smile made me want to win the game to make you proud even though you would be proud either way.

When Andi was thinking about going to New York for an art school, so you went to the swings to think about it. I told you that you were allowed to be upset about it because she was your best friend and you would miss her more if you were here instead of with her. Andi decided not to go.

When you got a brain freeze from eating a snow cone too fast at the fair.

9 times I almost held your hand.  Mostly times I missed my chance to.

When we went on that roller coaster and you said you couldn't feel your hands. I thought about it for a long time, but then we were upside down and I missed my chance.

When I watched your dance final and you were shaking when you finished, because when I'm shaking people holding my hands make me feel better but you were being hugged by Buffy before I got the nerve to.

When you came out to Amber at the Spoon, because she said she was frosting everything rainbow for pride month and you said you would definitely but a piece of cake for that, and she asked if you were LGBT+ and you paused and said you were gay. I didn't want to reach over the table so I didn't hold your hand.

When we were both laying on the couch but we couldn't reach the remote, so we both reached out to get it. I ended up falling off the couch.

When my cat scratched you and I helped you clean your hand, and I did technically hold your hand but I almost really held your hand.

When Andi was up for an art award and they were announcing winners. I started clapping to snap you out of peeling your fingernails. She didn't win, but she got 2nd place.

When we were having a sleepover and you turned over on the air mattress just to say "TJ, I LOVE dinosaurs." You started showing me shadow puppet dinosaurs, but you were too tired to do it right.

At Andi's slumber party, you were doing everyone's nails with Amber, and you painted mine yellow. "You're like my lemon boy, Teej. Or a sour-patch kid. Because you're sweet now," you said.

When Andi was upset about her parents not getting married and Buffy was hanging out with Marty again, you told me that you were afraid it was straining your relationship with them. I told you that if you could survive Celia becoming Ce-Ce and Buffy moving you could survive some change.

8 times I almost kissed you.

When we were at the pool and you did the big water slide, and you were so excited that you choked on the water. You laughed so hard that you had to get out of the pool.

When we met Amber's dog for the first time, and you thought he was the cutest thing in the world.

When we got churros at the fair. You got cinnamon on your nose and I still have no idea how.

When we had that pillow fight and you somehow got a hold of every pillow and it was like you had 3 pairs of nun-chucks.

When we were at the drive-in and you were holding all of the candy because Jonah had a broken arm. He said you wouldn't let him hold anything, but you said his arm was hurting. It was probably both.

That time at the lake when I jumped in, and you didn't want to jump in after me so you tried just walking into the lake but you slipped on the mud.

When we were swimming for Buffy's birthday party, Marty and Jonah flipped your floatie over. You complained about your hair the whole day, but I thought it looked better.

When you saw the shooting star on July 4th. Right after you saw it the fireworks started and the sound scared you.

7 times I almost told someone I liked you.

Buffy asked me after my first game of the season if I liked you, and I almost said yes. I said I didn't know.

My mom asked me why I had become so much happier lately. I said I was just having fun hanging out with you and everyone. Part of it was me being happy about coming out, but it was also being around you that made me so happy.

Jonah asked me how long we had been dating. He really thought we'd been dating for months.

I was paying for a Queen record when Bowie asked about the drawings on my hand. He asked me who drew it and when I said that you drew it, he said, "You two are pretty close, huh?" I just smiled and said yeah.

My cousins came over for Christmas. Addie is 8 years old and when she saw me texting you she said, "Why are you smiling so much? My mamma says people only smile that much when they're in love!" I thought it was really funny that she pointed it out before Buffy or Amber.

Jonah, Marty, and I were watching Love, Simon and they asked why I knew all of the emails by heart. It was nice to think of having a love story like that, even if it wasn't with you.

I almost told Amber's dog once, but Andi walked in before I said it.

6 times I did hold your hand.

When you were over and my parents started fighting while we played Mortal Kombat. I didn't want to feel scared like I always feel when they fight, even though I had never done it when they fought before.

When I came out to my dad. Or before, I guess. It made it easier having you there because I had someone there for me if my dad wasn't.

When you had a sleepover and we tried to watch all of Supernatural in one night. I fell asleep after a few episodes, but the first scene always makes me nervous.

When I was going into math class for the last test of the semester. You had worked with me the most and you believing that I could pass made me really want to pass the test.

When we listened to Paris by Sabrina Carpenter for the first time. It was more of me grabbing your hand and spinning you around to the music, but it counts.

When you brought me the blueberry macadamia muffin. That was one of the best muffins I've ever had, by the way.

5 times I almost called you at 2 am.

When my parents were fighting and I wanted to distract myself, but I ended up watching YouTube.

When Khalid announced his tour and I saw the post. You actually ended up calling me first.

When my cat threw up on my bed. I was really stressed but I got worried about the cat and told my mom instead.

After you dislocated your thumb when I tried to teach you how to play basketball. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep, but your mom posted on Facebook that you were fine so I let it be.

When I realized the song stuck in my head was Electric Love by BØRNS. Then I realized you were probably asleep, so I didn't.

4 times I did call you at 2 am.

When my dad told my mom that I was gay. I thought he was cool with it, but while they were fighting he said, "So YOU can have our abomination of a son." My parent decided to get a divorce later that week. I probably called you every week because I couldn't handle it.

When I realized another song that was stuck in my head was Maneater by Nelly Furtado. You didn't know what song I was talking about until I sang the "you wish you never met her at all" part.

When I had that nightmare where a clown came and attacked the whole town but you had an alliance with him but he was set on killing me so you died defending me then the clown died because he wasn't allowed to kill you.

When you texted me saying you hated crying at 2 am. You were crying about your stepdad making a homophobic joke. I said that he probably didn't mean it, and would stop once he realized he was directly hurting you. It still wasn't okay, though.

3 times I thought I had lost you.

When Reed brought that gun. I know I've said it dozens of times, but I didn't think he would bring it while you were there.

When your dad was thinking about moving to Texas and you got really excited, but your mom said she didn't want to give up custody so he stayed. I wanted you to be happy, but I also wanted to be with you forever and I wouldn't really want to be in Texas for months or years on end.

When Kira outed me to the school, and she looked at you when she said I was really obvious about it. I thought you weren't ready to come out in any way at school, but you said that our friendship was worth more than avoiding humiliation.

2 times I almost confessed.

That day when we couldn't reach the remote from the couch. Me falling off the couch made me forget about it, though.

When I came out to you. I was crying and you were almost crying and I have no idea why I was so terrified.

1 time I did.

Right now. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but with enough reassurance from Jonah and Andi, I'm writing this letter to you right now. I adore you, Cy. I want to be around you all the time. I would really, really like to kiss you. I know you might not feel the same, but I also know our friendship would survive a crush. I don't like keeping secrets from you. The last one is this: I like you. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone. And I had a teddy bear named Blueberry for 12 years until Reed blew it up. That's all.

    Love, TJ. aka Tyler James.

[crimsonblackrose]

2019 is over and seeing 2020 on my calendar is strange. I had planned to go to bed early and get a lot of things done today, but instead I’ve found myself just wanting to spend my day resting.

My mindset this year was, it’s my last year in Korea so if there’s something I want to do, do it.

January

In January I was teaching my final camp (a cooking camp) for my country school and saying goodbye to friends who were going home.

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February

In February I was desperate to make up for 2018. I wanted to go back to the states and try to have a time that didn’t…emotionally scar me and the results were…better? I got to spend my 27th birthday with my family. I got to play with my baby cousins and eat delicious cake (I’ve missed American cake) and I got to visit LA for the first time and see friends and it was both too short and at times too long. My phone, which I dropped at Monkey Mountain during the previous summer in Japan, also finally died from water damage. And I awkwardly ran into Target to get a prepaid phone to survive on for the rest of my trip and when they asked if I wanted insurance I laughed and said “No, I’m leaving the country.” And then belatedly realized how creepy that sounded, like I was on the run and I’ve never sped walked out of a Target so fast and so embarrassed, which I’m sure didn’t help.

Before I moved out of Gapyeong I  also made sure I did everything I wanted, which meant taking myself to see le Petite France before I moved. And I did and then I moved to Gunpo. A friend helped me find someone to help me move which was essentially a guy with a truck.  It was a long journey with lots of traffic and I was worried about being late to meet my new coteacher, but it turned out it was all fine because my room wasn’t ready yet. My driver even fell asleep while we stopped at rest stop so I could use the bathroom. One of the reasons I’m always glad I always have a book with me. It was not a fun move, I forgot my coat in the back of his truck since he took it from me and threw it in the backseat when I got in, and I was so stressed with getting everything out of the truck and into the hallway that it slipped my mind. I had to pay him to come and bring my coat back to me. And then I spent several hours sitting in the hallway waiting for my room to be ready.

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March

This brought on the spring of flowers. I’ve never spent so much of my spring immersed in flowers and I kind of loved it. I started my March off with adjusting to my new town and my new job. I got to meet other teachers in the area, I enjoyed life in a city which was insanely lovely in comparison to my old tiny town and the going away gifts my coworkers had given me from homemade candles to Gong Cha free drink coupons. I even met up with new friends I’d made. The adjustment to my new job was rough, there was so much to learn and there were so many more students and classes and coworkers than I had ever had in my 4 years at my old school.

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April

April found me on a bus to Jinhae to follow the Cherry Blossoms and back to Gunpo to enjoy the Royal Azalea festival. It also had maybe one of my busiest days, which was Nathalie’s birthday and Mika’s wedding party.  I also stayed at a jimjilbang for the first time.

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May

In May I was in Singapore surrounded by Orchids and heat, humidity, and rain. I also went to Goyang for one of the most beautiful and intense flower festivals I’ve ever seen. It was also when we threw my friend Esme her Alice in Wonderland themed tea party bridal party and when I went to a lot of festivals and took the start of my tea classes with Kew and Leaves.

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June

June brought Esme’s wedding and it was fun to help out and be part of the behind the scenes of a wedding in Korea. I also went to a popular Korean hair style chain where I got a cute short expensive hair cut that I loved but when I got home I realized they’d completely missed a chunk of my hair which greatly disillusioned me with the chain. And in an effort to deal with some stress I tried learning traditional Korean wrapping and making an embroidery project as well as taking some a matcha course. Which I needed because I was in pain, it was vague and eventually turned into chest pains as the months progressed.

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July

July brought my first camp at my new school which was very different from my old camps on almost every way and more stress. It also brought new waves of goodbyes of friends heading home. My chest pains got worse in July and of course I googled them which sent me into a panic so I went to several doctors and there’s a good chance it’s from stress, so that’s fun.

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 August

August found me in Japan again. This time my big trip with a plan of visiting Hokkaido and the hopes to finish everything I wanted to do in Japan. It was full of misadventures and very hot but it was also fun. I also finally made it to Seoul Comic Con. It also found me with ear infections and what probably was/is tendinitis.

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September

In September I returned to Taiwan to visit Taipei on my own. It was very hot and during a holiday that meant a lot of places were closed so I went out of my way for places that were closed. It also found me with visitors to show around and a rather scary fever where the doctors told me either I had a cold or my liver was failing and that was not fun to hear. It was just a cold.

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October

In October I decided to start Adventuring Bibliophile as a Instagram and I tried several ways to make it it’s own blog only to get very frustrated.  My school had it’s school festival and I went on an insane flight to get home for a wedding. I was in the states for a day. I’ve never cried so much during a wedding. But I also never ever want to do such an insane trip where I spend more time in the air then on the ground ever again, especially not on an airline that’s so cheap. My school also took us to see the musical Marie Antoinette and I hosted a Halloween Party.

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November

November found me wedding crashing an old coworkers wedding. (Not wedding crashing in Korean culture, but definitely in American culture) It was so weird to see my old coworkers and I didn’t get to chat with a lot of the ones I wanted to and just found myself awkwardly not sure what to do, having not expected showing up late or staying. Then I went to the silver grass festival which was not something to do on a poor air quality day since it requires a lot of hiking and not something I particularly enjoyed to do in my dress. I made kimchi, I celebrated Thanksgiving with friends and tried an escape room for the first time.

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December

In December I was pretty bummed. The air quality was bad, classes were ending and I didn’t get an opportunity to really say goodbye to my students and tell them that no one would be replacing me. My job is gone and I’m the last teacher to have this position. I got to tell one class and we had a mini party which was delightful and touching. I also learned that the teacher who replaced me at my old school have also found their contract without a chance for renewal due to similar budget cuts. My friends are mostly all moving or also leaving and I spent much of December sort of frozen in fear. Where do I send all my stuff? Who do I give it to? None of it can stay and I don’t know where to send it. It’s overwhelming. My school had ceramic teachers come and teach us how to make traditional ceramic pieces in Korean style. But I found the process stressful. I made a mug but despite liking how it turned out, a bit like a tree stump, they told me it required too much work to fix to show me how to do the Korean style bits. So a coworker rushed to help me make a plate in the hopes that I could do the Korean aspect with it, only to be told again that it would take too long to fix. In the end when I got back my mug they hadn’t done the the thing I requested and the mug looks nothing like what I gave them. I was not happy. The plate didn’t come back. I tried to watch my students graduate only to learn that the space was too small and cramped to actually watch the graduation and then I was whisked off into a meeting so I couldn’t say goodbye to any of them afterwards. My Christmas traditions didn’t happen and it made me feel so much worse. All I wanted was to be home. And I ended the year feeling nervous, winter in 2018 was a wreck with family emergencies and pain and every small thing makes me so much more twisted up about being away.

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I don’t feel like I had a busy 2019 but when I look at everything I did it really was busy. I get why my coworkers and even one friend told me you’re always so busy. But it’s my last year in Korea and I’m trying to do everything I want to. I also am also trying to be more social and get out more now that I have the opportunity. I didn’t try as hard after my mother died and so I tried really really hard this year to push forward and I don’t know whether I did it in a healing way or in a way that burnt me out by the time I reached the end of the year. I also spent a lot of time this year going to the hospital, usually only to find out it was due to stress. It seems I react to stress physically so I don’t always noticed how stressed I am, unless I’m unable to sleep. And I had a lot of difficulty throughout this year sleeping.

A Review of last years Resolutions

Last year I tried my hand at resolutions.

I wanted to cook and bake more. I did do some before I left and this winter, but my new place didn’t come with an oven or a rice cooker, so baking didn’t happen. I did cook more but I also got sick of the things I made for myself fairly quickly. But I do think overall my diet has been healthier than it was in the country side. But it helps that the grocery store has lots of different types of things and is open past 6pm.

I did catch up with my podcasts but then with my reoccurring ear infections I stopped listening for awhile in a try to figure out what was causing it, even though my headphones were suppose to be fine. So I’m behind again.

I moved. And well, I’m moving again. Fun.

I didn’t want to regret moving. And that’s a toss up. I love where I live now. I love living in the city and I like my coworkers and my students but I taught at my old school for 4 years. I miss my coworkers, I miss our lunches, I miss all the big open spaces and the quiet and the stars and I do occasionally regret leaving my kids because I get messages of “Teacher when are you coming back?” and it breaks my heart.

Travel to: Singapore √,  Hong Kong x, Taipei √ , Japan √  (Okinawa x), home for wedding √, home for funeral X

Finish all the physical books I have (working on it, but I did finish the books I listed)

Go out more √ , spend more time in nature √ , spend time with friends √ , call home once a week √ , yoga and mediate x, learn something new √

The end of a decade

It’s really weird to realize it’s 2020. I graduated high school in 2010. Which means the majority of my life alone has been within this last decade, my time as a young adult. I don’t think high school me or even kid me would have guessed what I did. But maybe I would’ve. I always knew I wanted to leave the states and travel. But I was a huge scardy cat. I think though I would’ve expected to have gone to Japan though rather then South Korea. I graduated high school, went to college, lived in Chicago, wrote a lot, was an RA, met some amazing people, explored the city, started a blog, became a tutor, studied abroad in Prague, spent a spring break in London, organized and  hosted a ridiculous amount of events, graduated college with a BFA and after studying from some really cool writers and artists, moved across the globe to RURAL South Korea, made new friends, taught elementary school kids, explored, traveled with friends, traveled on my own, visited 8 different countries, wrote A LOT.  While I don’t feel like I’m where I wanted to be, I still have to be proud of the things I have accomplished.

The Future

I’m not going to do resolutions this year. I’m going to go back to doing gentle goals. Because I know this new year is going to be rough and I need to be gentle with myself. I’m at a crossroads that every friend before me who has taken has spoken to me with warnings and a tinge of regret. Moving back home is difficult. My aunt did it and said she felt like she left part of her soul somewhere over the ocean. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I know there are some things I Have to do. Some are difficult and others less so.

Finish sending gifts home. (So late on holiday gifts. December caught me like a deer in headlights and I’ve been feeling stuck)

Start giving things away or selling them. My school isn’t keeping my apartment so everything that is mine must go. That’s 5 years worth of my life on my own. 5 years worth of memories I have to go through and make drastic decisions on.

Whatever I want to keep must fit in my suitcases or be shipped home.

Eat as much of my food as possible.

Drink as much of my tea as possible. (As much as I love the idea of coming home with tea from all sorts of different countries it also means less space for things like clothes)

Finish all the books on my bookcase

Buy my ticket home.

Close up accounts, do paperwork.

Have mothers funeral

Deal with mother’s things

Family vacation?

Go through all my stuff that my aunt has been watching

Figure out my life

Okay so that last one isn’t some gentle thing. I honestly don’t have an answer for it. I have half baked plans, but none of them are long term. Which kind of stresses me out. And really that’s all stuff I have to do like a to-do list not really goals. Okay, let me try that again.

Rest

write more and edit

spend time with family and friends

travel when possible.

Current planned trips, later this month:

Paris, France

Okinawa, Japan

Go to more bookish places in Korea

eat delicious foods I’ve missed

enjoy a bath

enjoy a dryer

Cook, bake, exercise, spend time in nature and with animals

Not sure if that’s better but it feels better. I feel like there’s so much that has to get done that the thought of what I’m doing after is too difficult to fathom. So I’m doing my best putting one foot in front of the other at the moment.

How was your decade? What do you hope to do in this new one?

Happy New year! May your 2020 bring you wonderful things.

  Year in Review- 2019 2019 is over and seeing 2020 on my calendar is strange. I had planned to go to bed early and get a lot of things done today, but instead I've found myself just wanting to spend my day resting.

[kee-writestrashh]

Guns for Hire

Ramsay Bolton x Reader

ao3

Summary:  You are the wife to the Heir of the Red Kings, Ramsay Bolton. living the undercover life of a mob wife has its perks, and you love your husband. But you find out something that seems to unfold a series of unwanted events…

Chapter 43: Sex and Candy

"Oh man. Eating this reminds me of the one rodeo we went to, the one where I broke my leg on the barrel, remember?" Whit said, eyeing her noodles closely.

"Oh my God yes! I don't know how I could forget. We were so fucking sick. And I was on my period. I didn't even attempt to wash those pants, I just threw them away." You laughed, cheeks warming as you remembered the embarrassment.

"Can you believe that's been like ten years ago? When did we get so old?" Whit said with a sigh, leaning against Jared.

"As I recall, you also ruined my brand new ostrich skin Tony's on that trip." Jared smirked, eyeing you over the top of his glass.

"Well as I recall they were the ugliest pair of boots I've ever seen. Besides it was your fault. If you hadn't made me eat all those jello shots." You said, stabbing your fork at him.

"Mhm. But I guess all those belt buckles we won in those two weeks made up for it." Jared sighed with a small grin.

"Belt buckles?" Ramsay asked, finally setting his glass down long enough to speak.

You snorted, "yeah. You know... well, you wouldn't, would you? Belt buckles are given as trophies at rodeos. Whit used to barrel race. Jared and I were a team roping duo. Anyways, we were damn good, once upon a time. Pride and joy of our hometown, outside of our high school basketball teams. But I smoked weed, so I didn't bother to play. But I wasn't required to piss in a cup to rope a steer. I'm surprised you didn't take note of my belt buckle case at mom and dad's. I mean... I guess it's the same as boxing right? Don't you like get belts or some shit for that?"

Ramsay said nothing, staring into his empty glass.

Did Roose have any of Ramsay's boxing artifacts? Probably not. They both loved to deal deathly blows to one another.

"Your mom still got all those videos?" Whit asked, watching Kasey roll a ball for the puppy, which she has started calling Moose.

"Probably. She still has my first pair of boots." You said with a grin. Not for the first time feeling a small homesick pang in your chest. You pushed the ache away.

"Belt buckles." Ramsay muttered, rising from the couch to refill his glass.

"Make excellent bottle openers." You called after him.

"You know, it's funny to see you all high maintenance now. Never woulda expected it." Jared smirked at you.

You rolled your eyes, "yeah, I clean up real nice. But I won't lie. I miss home sometimes. The quietness. My horses. Hunting. Fishing. Maybe our son will have an act for all that."

"Names?" Whit asked, finally setting her empty plate down.

You shrugged, "not yet. I'm waiting on Ramsay."

"No names at all?" Whit pressed.

You shrugged. The truth was... there were about a million, and yet not a single one that seemed good enough to fit your son.

"How's your bar coming along?" Jared asked, holding his glass up as Ramsay walked back into the living room holding out a bottle in question.

"Great, actually. The contractor is super awesome. He's got people working on it everyday. Rain or shine. About another month to go. I am so excited. I miss working." You said in excitement.

"Well, you best let us know when opening day is. We have yet to get shit faced at a bar together. Everyone can come up." Jared said, pulling a face as he took a drink and set his glass down.

Listening to Whit and Jared recount work and hometown bullshit was so nice. How you had missed them. It was so nice to have your two best friends back. You couldn't help but notice how quiet and uncomfortable Ramsay was. It gave you a savage pleasure to be the one twisting his arm. He watched you closely as you talked and how you reacted to Jared especially.

Whit had pulled Kasey into her lap and you couldn't help but admire it. Someday that would be you and your son. You would make him giggle as you helped him count his fingers. You would laugh with him about things that made no sense. You would kiss his scraped knees, and hold him close when he was tired.

"What about you, (y/n)?" Whit said.

You blinked tears away furiously with a sniff, "What's up?"

"If you could do anything in the world tomorrow, what would it be?"

"Be a beekeeper." You said automatically.

Ramsay gave you a funny look.

"I love honey. And bees." You said defensively.

"More like you love to live life on the edge, anaphylactic." Whit chuckled.

You shrugged, "yeah, well... I would have no regrets."

"Regret. Funny thing isn't it?" Jared sighed.

You knew he was talking about his father. Jared's father had left home on Jared's 15th birthday. It tore him up. He was hurt, still. Then right before graduation his father had attempted to reenter his life. Jared had told him to fuck off, and later that night received a phone call that his father had committed suicide by jumping off the old county bridge over a set of train tracks. Had waited on the next train. But, in some fucked up twist it had not killed him on impact, but left to suffer and die alone beside the tracks in the pouring rain. It had been the deciding factor in Jared's career. To become a medic. He blamed himself.

"What's the point in regret? It gets you nowhere." Ramsay said in icy tones.

You looked between the two men. Both angry and bitter over the father cards they were dealt.

You slid your hand into Ramsay's and gave a loving squeeze. He squeezed back.

You pulled your hand away, grabbing up plates to take to the kitchen. Ramsay rose too and helped you carry the trash to the kitchen.

You turned to Ramsay with a grin and placed a kiss to his cheek.

"Jealousy looks horrible on you." You whispered, "but it is kinda cute."

Ramsay gave a derisive snort, pulling away from you.

"So I feel obligated to tell you, that Jared is my cousin. Our grandmas were sisters. We were born four months apart, so we literally grew up together. I'm not a cousin fucker."

Ramsay gave you a long look, set his plate down, and left without saying anything.

It made you laugh. You grabbed a bag of gummy bears off the kitchen table and returned to your perch on the couch. Ramsay took your candy to dig out all his favorite ones.

"Babe, will you take the dog out?" You asked, looking up at your husband, as you had rested your head in his lap.

He looked down at you through his tired, bloodshot eyes and gave a nod, untangling his hand from your hair. He nudged you to sit up.

"I'll show y'all to your room." You said, rising from the couch with a yawn.

Jared helped Whit up, who was holding a sleeping Kasey. You showed them to a spare bedroom at the opposite end on the house.

"Sorry it's small, but the couch pulls out into a bed, so everyone has room." You said.

"Beats a nasty hotel any day." Jared nodded.

"There's a bathroom through that door. It's got a shower. Toilet is kinda sketch... But ya know... can't have your cake and eat it too, even when you're rich. Lemme know if you need anything. Good night." You smiled, closing the door behind you as you left.

You walked down the hall, suppressing a scream as a pair of hands grabbed you and pulled you into the dark laundry room.

"Rams!" You hissed, turning to your husband and pinching his side.

He squirmed slightly, pushing you into the door. It clicked closed behind you.

"I still wanna fuck you while you bend over the dryer." He growled in your ear.

"Only if it's better than last time." You replied with a smirk.

"Better than last time? As I remember it, you were screaming and begging. I had to hold you up when I made you cum." He purred, running his hands along your body.

"Really? I don't think I remember that. You must have been drunk." You said with a sly grin, the warmth already spreading through you at his touch.

"Let me remind you then." He replied, ghosting his lips across your jaw, nipping at your ear, his breath hot, slow, and purposefully seductive.

You clawed at his hips, pulling him closer, grinding your hips against him.

"When's the last time you were tied up?" He whispered, pushing his hips into you.

"I don't remember, daddy. Been at least a month or two?" You replied, heart pounding harder with every beat.

"Has it really been that long?" He asked, a bemused expression on his face.

You huffed, "yeah. We've been so busy lately. Always going. It's almost fucking March. When did that happen?"

"Well, I will have to fix that sometime soon." He said with a nod, pulling your shirt up over your head.

You slid your pants down and stepped out of them as you removed your bra.

He gingerly attempted to take his shirt off, grimacing as he struggled to avoid touching his arm. You thought of helping him, but enjoyed watching the struggle.

He caught the amusement on your face and narrowed his eyes.

You smirked, batting your lashes, "yes, my love?"

"Help me." He hissed.

"There's no helping you, dear." You sniggered, stepping around him to lean back against the cold dryer.

"I will hurt you." He growled, finally managing to pull his shirt off.

"Awe, the poor baby getting pissy?" You mocked.

He stepped into you, grabbing your face, "I don't know when you got so brave, baby girl, but I will put you back in your place."

"Do it." You breathed, pushing your body flush to his.

"Is that a challenge?" He growled, sliding his hand to your neck.

You held your head up higher with a smirk, "I wouldn't dream of challenging you."

He stared at you, dropping his hand, and finally letting a laugh escape him.

"That was a good one."

"I was hoping you'd catch it, Mufasa." You chuckled, letting a gasp escape you as he turned you around and pushed you into the cold metal.

You propped you elbow up on the surface, resting your chin on your hand, waiting on Ramsay to pull his pants off.

He pressed his warm body into you. You pushed back into him, using your hands against the edge of the dryer to push back further into him, keeping your pregnant stomach from being pressed to the dryer.

You ground against him as he ran his hand up the curve of your spine.

"Not before I say you can." He whispered, running his finger along your clit and making a small noise of longing to find you already wet.

"Don't tease, baby. I've had to wait all damn day." You implored.

"That sounds like a problem you put on yourself." He growled in your ear as he pushed himself inside you.

"Mm, please daddy. I just want to come undone and cuddle with you." You breathed with a small whine, as you pushed yourself further back into him.

"What's in it for me?" He asked, grabbing your hips tight and thrusting.

"What do you want?" You wanted, knuckles white from the force you used to clutch the edge of the dryer.

"What do you want to give?" He breathed, pulling you closer, releasing a hip, and running his finger tips up your back.

"Get me off and I'll blow you, if that would please you." You purred, arching your back at his touch.

"Deep throat me and it's a deal." He breathed, running his hand along your ass, trailing his finger tips over your hip bone, and sweeping his thumb lightly over your clit as he thrust into you again.

"Of course, daddy." You moaned, giving a small jerk at the sudden pleasure as he rubbed firm circles against your sensitive nub with his thumb, as he slowly fucked you.

Your breath caught as he worked his magic with his hand. You swallowed hard, choking back the loud noises threatening to escape you as you met your high, your body giving a violent tremor.

He pulled away from you, turning you to face him. He kissed you deeply, cupping your face.

You made a blind grab at the shelf next to you for a spare blanket. You dropped it at your feet, pulling away from your husband to lower yourself to your knees.

"Man, I'm only half way to the finish line and this is already getting hard." You sighed, resting your forehead against his leg.

"I'll make it quick." He said, tangling his hand in your hair.

You took a deep breath, licked your lips, and took him in your mouth. You tasted yourself on him as you ran your tongue slowly along him.

He pushed his hips into you and you took him in further. You pushed everything aside in your mind and relaxed completely as he snaked his other hand in your hair.

You gripped his thighs and closed your eyes tight, drawing a deep breath through your nose as he slowly fucked your throat.

He drew a sharp breath with every thrust, and you grabbed at his thighs tighter, pressing your tongue against him firmly, until he drew a rugged gasp and you felt his dick throb at his release; the hot, thick cum sliding down the back of your throat.

You swallowed and released your grip on him as he pulled away from you. You looked up at him with a small grin, leaning back on your knees.

He heaved a sigh, releasing your hair, offering his hand to you.

You let him help you stand again.

"For as amazing as I'm sure that is for you, it kinda sucks. I don't really get to taste you." You said, gathering up the blanket, shaking it out, and wrapping it around you.

He smirked, grabbing a pair if shorts off the top of his pile of freshly laundered clothes you never got around to putting up this afternoon.

×××

[You: hey, wanna have lunch with me?]

[E: sure, there's a new place on post I haven't been to yet. I get from 12 to 13:30.]

[You: shweet. See ya at noon.]

"Hey baby, wanna go to lunch?" You asked, walking in the living room and glancing down at Ramsay sprawled on the couch.

"Busy, baby girl." He replied, looking up from his phone.

Your face fell slightly, "oh. Okay. Well I'm going to lunch with Eli and Whit and Jared."

"Where?"

"Um, not sure. Somewhere on base. A new place according to E."

Ramsay nodded, "Alright. Be careful."

"Always." You smiled, leaning awkwardly over the couch to give him a quick kiss.

"Cute little place." You said with a small smirk giving Eli a hug.

"Eh, they have awesome steak apparently." Eli chuckled, glancing over at Whit, Jared, and Kasey.

"Baby cousin E!" Jared said mockingly, shaking your brothers hand.

"Kinfolk." Eli chuckled.

"Look at you. All grown up and shit." Whit said, running her hand through Kasey's hair.

Eli sat beside you and looked between you and the others. He cleared his throat, "so, uh... what brings y'all here?"

"Your darling sister. She needed some help." Whit said, opening a 3 pack of crayons for Kasey.

You noted how quiet Kasey was. So different than lively, outspoken Kaden.

"Then y'all are also...?" Eli asked with a raised brow.

"Yep. The family that mobs together, stays together." Jared laughed with a wink.

"So, heard from your mama, you're getting married?" Whit said, raising her brows at Eli.

"So it would seem." Eli said, looking pointedly at you as he spoke.

You rolled your eyes, "Don't blame me. You did it to yourself. I didn't wanna force your hand, but you made me."

"Right." Eli tutted.

"At least she isn't some random ass whore. You said you've known her for years. I noted the way you looked at her." You shrugged, busying yourself with the menu.

"Well, when y'all saying 'I do'?" Jared asked, glancing between you and your brother.

"Thinking mid April. Gives us awhile to throw shit together and her family time to make arrangements." Eli said, trying to keep his voice even. But you noted a hint of nervousness and excitement.

"I'm paying, by the way. I can afford to make your special day, well, special. Nothing but the best for the baby of the family." You smiled.

Eli's ears turned a bright red. He cleared his throat, "speaking of, when is the last time you talked to Ruth?"

You frowned at the menu, and heaved a sigh.

"I dunno. She doesn't talk to me. Has me blocked on everything. I honestly don't think I've talked to her in like four years." You shrugged, pushing the anger at your older sister away.

"You know she will be at the wedding..." Eli said, raising a brow at you.

"Well, that's fine. She can continue to ignore me there too. It's her problem, not mine." You said, a bit more aggressively than you had meant.

"Sis, what happened?" Eli asked, watching you closely.

You gave an unamused laugh, "her dickbag husband tried to fuck me when they came out to see me at my apartment before they went on that world vacation or whatever. He forced himself on me and she walked in. Blamed me for it all. Called me a white trash whore and never spoke to me again. Never even gave me a chance to tell her what happened. I assume she is still with him?"

You looked at the expressions on everyone's faces and gave a half shrug.

"Well then..." Jared said, clearing his throat rather awkwardly.

"To answer your question, yes she is." Whit nodded.

"Of course." You sighed, "keep them away from me at the wedding, and don't breathe a word of it to Ramsay. He'd love an excuse to kill someone at a wedding. I'm sure it's on his bucket list or something."

×××

"Do you have to do that at the table? We eat here." You said, frowning at Ramsay and Alyn as you put clean dishes away.

"Where else am I going to do it?" Ramsay asked, cutting open the package of white powder as Alyn opened a box of baggies.

"Just don't make a mess." You muttered, stacking plates.

"So, what was the fuck screaming about when you were leaving?" Alyn said, filling a bag and setting it on a scale and pulling a marker to tag the bag.

Ramsay tutted in amusement, "I was asking him questions, getting bored of him, always asking who I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing... so I asked him what he could tell me about the Lannister's. Rattles off some useless shit. Move on to the Tyrell's. More useless shit. So I say to him, 'what can you tell me about the Bolton's?' I was ready to rub it in his face who I am and he says some shit he heard in passing, before he was placed on leave, there was some kind mutiny going on that would result in my death if I didn't watch it." He chuckled.

You dropped a bowl, it shattered on the floor. You panicked, kneeling down to pick up the largest pieces. You looked up to see Ramsay and Alyn looking at you.

"S-sorry. I've become clumsy lately. Pregnancy is weird." You said quickly, cheeks burning.

Ramsay rose from his chair and grabbed the broom.

"Says you're gunna snuff it, huh?" Alyn said, weighing another bag.

Ramsay laughed, "apparently so. But I'm not too worried about it. Half the shit he told me were false rumors. Cops are stupid. Believe anything they're told."

You placed the glass shards on the counter, taking the broom from Ramsay, avoiding eye contact.

"Where did he hear it?" You asked, trying to sound unconcerned and simply conversational.

Ramsay shrugged and sat back in his seat, "some Kings man, rattling shit off to get let go."

You nodded, turning away from Ramsay completely to sweep glass in the dustpan.

"So you don't think it's true?" You questioned.

"Nope. I'd already be dead if that were the case. Father has threatened to kill me multiple times." Ramsay replied, lighting a cigarette.

"Do you keep him guarded?"

Ramsay set his lighter on the table, "Nah. No one would dare go up there. Besides, he's not going anywhere. But having men up there all the time would start to look suspicious if anyone took notice."

You gave a small nod, emptying the dustpan in the trash, an idea forming.

"Man, this is Lannister shit. Ben's gunna have a hard time getting it out. After the Martell shit we've been selling." Alyn said, sliding a twenty to Ramsay for the line he just snorted.

"If nothing else I'll just dump it and give father the cash from my shit." Ramsay shrugged, pocketing the bill, and turning his attention to you, "What are you doing this afternoon?"

You leaned against the counter, chewing your lip, "I need to go get groceries. Thought maybe I would stop by the salon and get my nails fixed if I feel up to it. It's been awhile."

Ramsay nodded, "alright baby girl, I'll leave the jeep with you then."

You nodded, turning back to the dishes, glancing at the clock. It was nearing 2:30.

"Sure this is a good idea?" Tyene asked, looking around.

You dug around in the bag, pulling out the Kylo helmet and a knife. You pulled your hair back and put the helmet on.

"No. But I have to know what he knows." You said, trying to bite back the laugh at the way your voice.

Tyene sniggered, walking into the hospital behind you.

"Pick this lock." You said holding your phone light over the lock on the door.

Tyene took the lock and pulled out her pick.

"Ew. It smells rancid in here." Tyene said, turning up her nose and pulling her shirt up.

"You can wait in the hall if you want. It won't take me long." You whispered, thankful for the helmet. You couldn't smell the room. All you could smell was Ramsay.

Tyene shut the door behind her. You flipped the light switch, taking in Theon with disgust. His torture wounds were turning nasty shades of greens and yellows. He must have been in excruciating pain.

You pulled the bag from over his face and sat in the metal seat across from him.

He cowered in fear, glimpsing your knife.

"The quicker you give me information, the quicker I leave. And no matter who comes in here next, you won't say shit about this. And you will tell no one any of the information you give me, no matter how much pain is inflicted. Do you understand? Give me what I want and I have a reward for you." You said quickly, feeling slightly unnerved by how much you sounded like your husband by offering rewards.

Theon whimpered, lip trembling.

"Tell me what you know about Ramsay Bolton and the Red Kings."

"I... I don't know." Theon whispered hoarsely.

You slapped him across the face, "tell me what you know!"

"Hi-his father is going to send his executioner to kill him whenever they find out what his wife is having!" Theon cried.

You gave a frustrated sigh. Outdated fucking information. Of course. Anger swelled. Without thinking, you punched Theon with as much force as you could across the place you had slapped him. A numbing pain spreading through your hand.

"Who's the executioner?" You demanded.

"Man named Locke!" Theon gasped.

You frowned. Well, at least you had a name and face to watch out for. Maybe you could pull up his files while Ramsay was gone or something.

You rose from your chair and crossed back across the room. You opened the door to find Tyene playing on her phone.

"Water." You said, holding your hand out. Tyene pulled a bottle from the front pocket of her hoodie and handed it to you.

You returned to Theon, helping him drink the water. He inhaled it like they did in the movies; when lost in a desert and finding an oasis.

You slammed the door on your way out, replacing the lock and sighing, as you pulled the helmet off.

"So?" Tyene asked as you both emerged back into the day light.

You shrugged, "nothing really. But he gave me a name. So it's a start. Now, let's go get groceries. I'm a bottomless pit lately."

"Good thing you're rich. 'Pregnant woman buying all of aisle one'!" She laughed as she climbed in the jeep.

You threw the helmet and knife back into the bag and climbed in the driver's seat, "shut up. It's not that bad."

Tyene chuckled. You rolled your eyes.

×××

"Mkay boys. Put my groceries away." You said, tossing the keys on the kitchen table and walking into the living room to sit down.

Ramsay, Matt, and Damon grumbled as they got up from the table.

"How'd lunch with your brother go? I forgot to ask earlier." Ramsay said, falling into the couch beside you, opening a bag of M&Ms.

"It was pleasant. Working on setting up a wedding date. Aren't you supposed to be putting groceries away?" You said, raising a brow and smacking your gum.

Ramsay snorted, "I pay them to do shit I don't want to."

"You're a brat, you know that?" You said, giving him a stern look.

"Someone has to rival you." He chuckled, resting his head in your lap as he shifted on the couch. "Watch. Matt!"

Matt appeared in the doorway, "sup?"

The poor kid looked a mess with his two black eyes and busted lip. He had required stitches to his brow and cheek. His hands cut up and blistered from the fire.

Ramsay held his hand out to the coffee table where the remote sat a foot out of his reach.

"My Sith powers are not working. There has been a disturbance in the force, it seems. I think it's your lack of faith in it. Fix it."

Matt ran his tongue over his bottom lip, looking like he would rather do anything else than hand your man-child husband the remote.

"I'd love to help, sir... But the thing is... the Resistance has me held captive on Jakku." He replied, holding up a grocery bag with a slight shake. "May the force be with you."

"In case of burning, run under cold water for ten to fifteen minutes!" You laughed, as Ramsay sat up quickly, gaping slightly at Matt's nerve.

"The fuck?" Ramsay grumbled, rising from the couch, making Matt flinch and retreat to the kitchen quickly.

You grabbed your husband's arm and pulled him back down, "oh no. You leave him alone. He's finally learning. Just like you wanted."

"People don't sass me." He growled.

"Well you have been sassed, and it was a glorious burn. The kid gets a free pass on this one. Wit was spot on."

"I'm just gonna break his nose a bit more than it already is. Little shit isn't going to talk to me like that without being punished."

"I'll take his place. You can punish me, daddy." You said with a sweet smile.

"You'd take his place, huh?" He said slowly, running his eyes over you.

You nodded, "would that make master happy?"

"I guess we will just have to see." He smirked, rising from the couch and pulling you up with him.

"What do you have in mind?" You asked, leading him down the hall.

He stopped suddenly, pulling his hand away. You stopped, turning to him in confusion.

"What's wrong?" You asked with a slight frown.

He took your hand in his, running his thumb along the tops of your knuckles.

"What happened to your hand?" He asked, examining the bruises forming.

"I told you. I've become clumsy. The weight has thrown me off balance." You lied, suddenly annoyed at yourself for punching the Greyjoy.

"Punching old ladies at the grocery store are you?" He asked, raising a brow.

You snorted, "Well, when there's only one can of whipped cream left."

"You got a can of whipped cream?" He asked with a smirk.

"Yes. And you would know that if you had put the groceries away." You winked, tugging your hand back.

"But really, what did you do to your hand?" He said turning serious.

"I tripped over the puppy this morning and caught myself on the door when I was bringing him in." You said, hoping the lie would suffice.

Ramsay pushed you into the bedroom, locking the door behind him. Before he could make his move you crossed the room and pulled the silk tie from your robe.

You turned to face him with a grin, "it's my turn. Now get naked."

"And if I say no?" He asked, stepping further into the room.

"I'll shoot you in the knee." You shrugged, climbing up on the bed.

With a grimace, Ramsay pulled his shirt off, and undid his belt.

"Hurry up. Fuck." You whined, impatiently.

Ramsay raised his brows at you with a smirk, "You are still fully dressed."

"Point being?" You asked, giving him a dismissive wave with the silk tie.

"Alright, alright." He chuckled, stepping out of his pants and crawling onto the bed.

You grabbed his hands, climbing onto his chest. He buried his face between your legs, inhaling deeply with a longing groan as you tied his hands to the bed post.

"Why are you still dressed?" He asked, biting the inside seam of your pants.

"Because we are going to play a game. I ask questions, and if you answer correctly I will take off one article of clothing. Of your choice. If you answer wrong, I get to inflict pain on you, wherever I choose." You whispered, sitting up straight.

"Fire away then, little momma." He smirked, bringing his eyes up to yours.

"I'll start easy. What's my favorite color?"

Ramsay rolled his eyes, "grey. Now take these pants off."

You slid off the bed, taking your pants off, and climbing back on him. He made a small noise at the fact that you weren't wearing underwear.

"What's my favorite romance movie?"

Ramsay tutted, "probably the Notebook."

You dug your nails into his side.

He hissed through a grin, "Alright. It's Roman Holiday then."

You narrowed your eyes, "how'd you know that?"

He chuckled, "I pay attention. Shirt, get it off."

You pulled your shirt over your head, tossing it aside, watching him run his eyes over you.

"Stop." You said, heat creeping up your neck and face, frowning at the budgle of your belly.

He brought his eyes to yours, "why?"

"Because I'm getting fat and gross." You sighed, losing your gusto.

"Says who?" He asked with a small grin.

"You don't think... I mean..." You said with a shrug, not sure how to word it.

"Why would I? It's my fault isn't it?" He chuckled, shifting his hips up until you fell forward.

You caught yourself on the blankets and he caught your lips in a kiss.

"Why do you like to threaten me?" You murmured against his lips.

"That's my business." He sneered.

You sat up straight and slapped him.

"Answer my question." You growled.

"Make me." He purred with a wink.

You looked down at him with a wicked grin, leaning forward to kiss him.

A hammering came in the door, "Boss!"

You sat up straight, frowning deeply. Ramsay picked his head up, frowning at the door as well.

"I'm busy!" He shouted back, looking annoyed.

"Joffrey Baratheon is dead! Just ate it at his own wedding reception!" Damon called from the other side of the door.

Ramsay dropped his head back into the pillow and stared up at you. From nowhere he let out a loud, fanatical laugh.

As if on cue his phone rang from across the room.

"Can you get that doll? I'm a bit... restrained at the moment." He chuckled.

You rolled your eyes, climbing off him, and snatching up his phone from his pants pocket. You glanced down: father.

You hit answer and then speaker with a wide smile, "hello, Roose."

"(y/n), where's Ramsay?"

"I'm here." Ramsay said with a small grunt, as you climbed back up on him and dropped his phone on his chest, taking your bra off.

"But where are you?"

"At home. Where I've been for the last four hours." He said lazily, running his tongue over his bottom lip as his eyes wandered over your body.

"So you have no idea why I am calling you?"

Ramsay smirked, "nope. I'm afraid not. I've been behaving like a good boy."

You rolled your eyes at the sneer in his voice, leaning in to kiss along his jaw.

"Cut the shit, Ramsay. What are you playing at?" Roose said coldly on the other end.

"No game. I mean it. Whatever you're thinking, I've nothing to do with. My hands are currently tied. Literally. To my bed. And you are interrupting what I'm sure will be some bomb ass sex. I can send pics if you'd like. Maybe even a whole video, if you want. I think I have the wife worked up enough to consent."

You took his earlobe between your teeth, grinding against his hips, feeling his skin slick with your wetness. He shifted, canting his hips up into you.

Roose heaved an irritable sigh, "Ramsay, if I find out otherwise..."  

Ramsay let a very exaggerated moan escape from his chest as you worried a hickey on his neck, "right, father. You'll kill me. Got it. But right now I have a very horny, pregnant wife to take care of. Feel free to come by for dessert and coffee or something." He panted, trying to lean forward to nip at your neck.

You heard the click on the other line and let out a giggle, pulling away from your husband.

"You didn't have anything to do with the idiot's death, did you?" You asked quietly, trailing your fingers across his chest, sliding his phone to the floor.

"No, baby girl. I didn't. But I give major thumbs up to whoever did. Now, let me go so I can fuck you."

"Mm, no. I think I'll keep you like this." You smiled, kissing along his collarbone. You sat up, "actually..." You hummed sliding off the bed and untying him, "I have a new game."

He sat up, rubbing his wrist, "What's that?"

You picked up his pants and slid his belt free, "I'm thinking of a place on my body I want you to kiss. You get five guesses."

"And if I guess wrong?" He asked with a dark grin.

You held up the belt with a sweet smile.

"And if I guess right?" He asked, raising a brow, reaching out to grab your hand.

"You get to do whatever you want. But you won't be winning." You purred, stepping into him.

"I hardly lose, baby girl." He hummed, pulling you down onto him as he laid back. "How do I know you aren't cheating?"

You grinned, rolling off him and laying back into the bed next to him, "You don't. Shall we begin?"

He pushed himself up, running his eyes over you, determining his first guess.

You felt him shake as he held himself up with his injured arm, as he leaned into you and placed a kiss to your lips.

It was warm and hungry as he took your bottom lip between his teeth, biting and sucking gently.

Your breath caught and you let a small moan escape you.

"I know I wasted my first guess, but, it was worth it. A calculated risk I think I can afford." He grinned, releasing your lip.

"But now I have to hurt you." You pouted, sitting up, clutching the belt in your hands.

"Mhm. Do it, baby girl." He purred, turning to expose part of his bare back. "Hard as you can."

You took a deep breath, pulling your hand back, gripping the belt as hard as you could. You bit your lip and swallowed hard as the leather came into contact with his skin.

He drew in a small hiss and gave a jerk. He turned back to you.

"When did you learn to hit so hard?" He panted, ravaging you with his eyes.

You gave a small shrug, and an innocent smile. "One." You whispered.

"I know where you want me to kiss you, baby girl. But I think I like the pain, so...." He said, leaning down and taking your nipple in his mouth.

You tangled your free hand in his hair with a loud moan, falling back into the bed completely. Warmth and wetness mounting between your legs.

He gently bit down and swirled his tongue firmly. You pouted slightly when he pulled away.

"Same spot." He whispered, turning his back to you again. "Harder."

You sat up and ran your finger tips gently over the welt, feeling him relax slightly at your touch.

"Two." You said, gritting your teeth slightly as you brought the belt down harder across his back.

He gave a violent jerk and a small laugh.

"Can we just go ahead with three and four?" He asked.

"Do you really think you'll win?" You asked, raising a brow at his cockiness.

"I know all the secrets to your body, baby girl." He beamed, turning back to you.

"Hm. Well, I think you're a liar." You mocked.

He smirked, leaning into you again. He buried his face in the crook of your neck, inhaling deeply as he ghosted his lips along the curve of you neck.

You swallowed the whimper as he pressed his lips gently below your ear.

"Is this it, baby girl? Is this the magic place you wanted me to kiss?" He whispered, gruffly, nipping the skin.

You closed your eyes with a breathy moan.

"Yes, daddy. Don't stop, please." You begged, grabbing at his hip.

"Only if you hurt me until I get off." He murmured against your skin.

"H-how do you want me to hurt you, baby boy?" You panted, grabbing his hand and bringing it to your wet entrance.

"However you want, doll." He growled, plunging his fingers inside you, biting down on your neck.

Without thinking you let your hand wander, clutching at him as the warmth at your core began to threaten breaking the dam. You pushed your hips into his hand, arching your back and gripping his arm.

"Fuck." He hissed, pulling away from you.

You threw your eyes open, "baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean t..."

But your words were lost to you as he yanked you up from the bed, clashing his mouth with yours and pushing you back into the wall.

"Again." He growled, picking you up.

You wrapped your legs around his waist and moaned as he pushed himself inside you.

"Do it again, doll." He demanded, his breathing hard in your ear.

You tangled one hand in his hair and brought the other to his bandaged arm, grabbing firmly.

You clung to him tighter as he thrust into you and went weak in the knees.

Something about making him weak in the knees was pleasurable. Maybe because it rarely happened and it was nice to be the one in charge for once.

"Don't stop." He moaned, resting his forehead in the crook of your neck and breathing hard.

"Don't drop me." You giggled back, moaning slightly as he moved inside you again.

"Shut up." He growled, pushing his hips further into you.

Breathing was becoming hard as you felt the warmth of your high coming. You drew a sharp breath, grabbing at him harder.

"Baby girl." He panted, biting your neck as he met his release.

You grabbed harder, letting your body relax as you met your turn. It happened much sooner than you had expected, but inflicting pain and making him moan like that was too much.

His heavy breathing and warm sweaty, skin pushed flush to yours was intoxicating as he slowly released his tight grip on you.

You laughed when he gently set you back in your feet and pulled away from you completely.

"Whew." He chuckled with a shiver, picking up his discarded shirt.

He handed you his shirt when he was done.

"You're such a freak." You grinned, watching him dress, as you pulled your pants up.

"Little momma has no room to talk." He said, giving you a sly grin that made you blush.

He grabbed your hand and led you back into the living room.

Matt and Damon sat awkwardly quiet on the couch.

Ramsay dropped you hand, crossed his arms, and eyed them both, "what?"

Damon nudged Matt who looked a bit panicked.

Matt cleared his throat, "so, uh... it's race night. We've been called out. And uh... your racer is nowhere to be found. Just vanished it seems."

"Just vanished?" Ramsay breathed rather threateningly, giving you a glare as if you had planned on this. "What do you mean vanished?"

"She's gone. No one can find her. Left nothing behind and yet everything behind, except herself." Damon said, not making eye contact with Ramsay.

You gingerly took a seat on the edge of the recliner.

"So, she was just abducted by aliens then, was she? That what you're sayin'?"

"I guess. I've no idea what's going on. No trace of her on anything." Damon said, offering an open palmed shrug.

"Where are we on the list?" Ramsay asked, pulling you from the chair, sitting down, and pulling you into his lap.

"Two." Damon muttered.

"Excuse me?" Ramsay said, gripping your thigh tightly. "Did I not tell you to keep her in the bottom half until the end of the fucking season?"

"I know, I know. But she was all of the sudden at two, and there wasn't shit I could do. Rules. You know that." Damon said defensively.

Ramsay ran his hand over his face and pulled you closer into him, "Okay, who's racing in her place? What do we have to work with?"

"We have the mustang, she was nice enough to leave it behind, and Alyn's Camaro." Damon said, staring down at his hands.

"Put him in then until I can figure out what to do. Tell him if he loses the spot I'm taking whichever part of his body I reach first."

Damon nodded, jumping up, and leaving the room.

"Kid, go away. Go do something useful." Ramsay clucked at Matt.

"Yes sir." Matt said, leaving the room almost as quickly as Damon had.

"Chill." You whispered, leaning back into your husband, squeezing his leg.

He heaved a sigh and buried his face in your shoulder, "I need you to clean and fix my boo boo."

"Boo boo." You giggled, sliding off his lap.

[ryukoishida]

QZGS|The King’s Avatar Fic: In which something nice happens to our birthday boy.

Title: Ágúst Fandom: The King’s Avatar / Quan Zhi Gao Shou Character(s)/Pairing(s): YuHuang Summary: Since his birthday happens during the summer break, Huang Shaotian is used to spending this day by himself, receiving messages and mailed gifts from his teammates and other pro-player friends in the Alliance. And without fail, his captain will always be the first to wish him a happy birthday, but this year seems a little different. [Takes place during the summer between S9 and S10] Part: 1/1 Rating: PG-13 A/N: Gasp. Me, writing something in canon-verse? Amazing. Literally just… mindless, cheesy fluff. Happy birthday to our beloved chatty Sword Saint! And happy birthday to @andthenabanana~

Writing Commission | Editing & Translation Services

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[Flowing Cloud]: Happy birthday, Huang Shao! Did you receive the package I sent you???

[Troubling Rain]: Thx, Xiao Lu! And yeah i did… Speaking of which, how do u figure im gonna finish all those snacks by myself, kid?!

A few days ago, the famed Sword Saint of Team Blue Rain had received an express delivery parcel from an unknown address in Taiwan: a giant box of local snack varieties from the team’s young swordsman. Placed atop of the rainbow packages of Kaui Che pork and beef jerky, fruit jellies, honey layer cakes, sugar and spice nougats, pineapple cakes, and for some strange reason, Alishan tea leaves, was a birthday card — and not just any plain, ol’ greeting card either. The brat had chosen the kind that played obnoxiously loud tinkling rendition of “Happy Birthday to You” when the receiver flipped open the card.

Huang Shaotian quickly snapped the card shut and winced at the horrid echo of the melody that had sounded especially strident in his quiet apartment, and one corner of his lips couldn’t help but lift upward into a heartfelt smile.

[Troubling Rain]: i cant stop eating those pineapple cakes and this is all ur fault, so u better buy more and bring them to the dorm after summer break! And whats up with the tea leaves? Im not captain, u know I dont drink that bitter stuff :(

[Flowing Cloud]: The tea is my mom’s contribution, I swear! Maybe you can give them to captain if you really don’t want it?

[Troubling Rain]: well…. in that case, thank ur mom for me, ok?

[Flowing Cloud]: Will do! ;) Anyway, I have to go now.

[Troubling Rain]: aight. And thx again for the present and card!

Popping one of the mango-flavoured fruit jellies into his mouth, Huang Shaotian exited the private message window he was using while texting Lu Hanwen, and scrolled back up the chat log in the Blue Rain group chat, where members had been posting about their summer adventures in the forms of (sometimes rather “artistically” blurry) photographs featuring either gorgeous sceneries of foreign countries or delicious food they’d found. In between the envious ooh-ing and fascinated aah-ing at the colourful photos were members discussing the transfers during the summer window, various Glory-related rumors and news, and other things that only reclusive young men who spent most of their days playing games on their computers were interested in.

Though most of them hailed from different parts of Guangdong, so they’d return home to visit their families and take the time to rest until the new season began in September, a few of them still found the energy and time to take a nice vacation with their friends or family and travel abroad after an intense month-and-a-half of spending hours fighting level 75 Wild Bosses and gathering rare materials in the online game.

Lu Hanwen, for example, was currently enjoying a brief but lovely trip in Taiwan with his parents. Having debuted at such a young and tender age, Lu Hanwen had missed out on a lot of experiences that teenagers his age usually encountered; he had also undergone a lot of pressure and scrutiny that kids his age usually didn’t have to suffer through — this past season had taught him that the hard way.  

On the trip back to Guangzhou, with his eyes still bloodshot from the frustrated tears that he’d wiped dry just a few minutes ago, Lu Hanwen promised both his captain and vice-captain that he would train hard over the summer so that he would not make such mistakes during team matches again.

Before Huang Shaotian could open his mouth, Xu Jingxi was already ruffling the teenager’s hair from the seat behind, which earned him an indignant ‘hey!’ from Lu Hanwen but laughter from the rest of the team.

“It’s okay,” Yu Wenzhou had said, his smile gentle, his gaze calm but warm. “You already did really well, Hanwen, so take your time over the summer to recover and return for another year of hard work come September.”

Since they knew the kind of boy Lu Hanwen was, Yu Wenzhou had made sure to give Lu Hanwen’s parents a call as well.  

And it seemed like the kid was enjoying himself with his family.

Huang Shaotian paused when he saw the photos that Yu Wenzhou had posted late last night. Most of the photos he’d taken were breathtaking nature sceneries: mountain ridges still coated with a layer of snow at the peaks, flat surface of a lake reflecting sapphire and jade specks surrounded by lush forests; only one or two photos featured Yu Wenzhou himself, and even then, those pictures were taken with an unsteady hand, but Huang Shaotian could still appreciate his wind-swept hair and smiling lips — a little more open and carefree than the one he always wore in front of the journalists, a little more careless — amidst the shards of shadows that fell around him from the foliage above.

He mentioned that he was travelling to the west coast of Canada to visit some relatives that had immigrated to Vancouver quite some years ago, and his cousins had taken him to all sorts of local places to hike and camp. It was a fact known by many other pro-players and the fanbase of Blue Rain that Yu Wenzhou, despite his delicate and refined appearance that he displayed before the public, was surprisingly an outdoorsy type; one wouldn’t assume so from the fact that he was the captain of an eSports team who presumably spent a lot of his time indoors, but that’d never stopped him from visiting the closest national park for a half-day hike or going on a two-week long camping trip in the mountainous region of Yunnan.  

With an impatient sigh, Huang Shaotian scrolled back to the most recent messages in the group chat, but what he was seeking was simply not there. He couldn’t help but feel the immense heaviness in his heart grew a little degree more; he bit his lower lip and considered sending the other man a message but almost immediately decided against that.

He slammed his phone into the pillow beside him and dived face-down into the mattress with a muffled groan that sounded like a slowly-dying animal. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t stand this anymore.

Fuck.

Yes, he liked Yu Wenzhou.

No, not as friends or teammates or bros or anything like that. What were we — still elementary school kids?

No. Huang Shaotian more than liked Yu Wenzhou; he was in love with the guy, all right? He wanted to hold his hand, and embrace him, and kiss him, and… and yes, sleep with him. He wanted to do all those wonderful, wonderful things with Yu Wenzhou but there was only one problem: Yu Wenzhou didn’t know anything about this and Huang Shaotian didn’t know how to tell him without scaring his captain away.

Every year, without fail, Yu Wenzhou would be the first person to send him birthday wishes. In most of those instances, he’d be out of town, so birthday wishes would come in various forms: a mailed card, a text, a voice recording, or even a thoughtful little souvenir from wherever he’d been travelling to. But August 10th was almost over, and other than the small set of photos he’d uploaded onto the team group chat yesterday, Yu Wenzhou’s username and icon remained disappointingly grey in his friend list.

It was 11:46pm when the doorbell to his apartment unit rang with an urgent flair, effectively pulling Huang Shaotian out of his dreary reverie.

He wasn’t expecting any guests at this hour, though it wouldn’t be the first time that a few of his teammates, along with a few close friends from the Alliance, who apparently had nothing better to do than to drop by Guangzhou and pester him (i.e. giving him a surprise birthday party, which, despite his mumbling and grumbling, he actually appreciated), showed up at his door without as much as a text ahead of time.

What he hadn’t expect to find was one Yu Wenzhou, a timeworn suitcase sitting by his feet and a hefty duffle bag on his shoulder. It looked like he’d been rushing to get here, for his breathing was still unsteady and his sweat-stained, ink-black hair was plastered messily over his forehead and stuck to the nape of his neck.

“C-Captain? W-What are you—”

“Did I make it in time?” Yu Wenzhou asked, his brows suddenly dipping in concern, and when he didn’t get an answer from his vice-captain, he added, “my phone battery was dead on the flight back.”

“What? In time for what?” Huang Shaotian was still bewildered; he still couldn’t believe that Yu Wenzhou — who was supposed to be in the wilderness somewhere in the west coast of North America roasting marshmallows over a bonfire or hunting bears or whatever it was that they did when people went camping — that Yu Wenzhou was currently standing in his doorway.

He blinked once, twice, speechless.

“Shaotian…” Yu Wenzhou reached over and touched him gingerly on the shoulder. “Your birthday. Did I come back in time for your birthday?”

Oh.

“It’s not midnight yet,” Huang Shaotian replied numbly, at least the last time he checked, which wasn’t that long ago, actually.

“Great!” Yu Wenzhou heaved a relieved sigh, and then with a softer smile and a warm gaze that was similar to the usual one he gave his teammates —but it was slightly off, yet Huang Shaotian was still too stunned by his captain’s sudden appearance that he couldn’t quite comprehend the expression that seemed so obvious when he thought back upon it later on — he said, “in that case, happy birthday, Shaotian.”

“T-Thank you,” Huang Shaotian lowered his head to hide the flush that’d suddenly bloomed across his cheeks, realizing that for once, he couldn’t look directly into Yu Wenzhou’s eyes. He was afraid of discovering what lay within those ink-blue depths; he was scared that he’d see something wonderful there only to find out that it was all in his imagination, his misinterpretation, a misunderstanding. Then, his logic — being lost somewhere between his fretful phone-scrolling and Yu Wenzhou’s unannounced arrival — finally caught up. “Wait, wait a fucking minute, hold on for just a second. W-what the hell are you even doing here, Captain? Aren’t you supposed to be in, like, the mountains strumming a guitar and singing songs around a campfire or something?”

Yu Wenzhou raised a brow, one corner of his lips tucked upwards into an amused grin, “I’m absolutely tone-deaf, Shaotian, or don’t you remember?”

Good lord, of course he remembered, Huang Shaotian winced visibly at the reminder. The one time their whole team decided to celebrate someone’s birthday at a karaoke was the last time they did so, because everyone belatedly discovered that, as soon as their captain, who was known to have a gentle, mesmerizing speaking voice, started opening his mouth to sing the first verse of Eason Chan’s famous ballad “Ten Years”, they all wished they’d brought some earplugs with them, even if it meant disrespecting (or insulting) their nice, kind captain.

“Okay, okay, fine, that wasn’t actually even the point. The point is—"

“Shaotian…” Yu Wenzhou interrupted softly with a helpless smile that was enough to stop the other man in the middle of his rant.

“Uh, yes?” Huang Shaotian halted, eyes widening a little.

“Aren’t you going to let me in?”

“Oh. Oh! Yeah, yeah come on in!” His blush deepened, but he turned around quickly to shuffle over and make space for Yu Wenzhou to step into his apartment. After setting his bags and shoes down at the entranceway, Yu Wenzhou made his way to the couch in the living-room, his manner casual as if he’d been here many times, felt comfortable enough to make himself at home on his vice-captain’s couch.

“You want something to drink?” Huang Shaotian was already walking towards the tiny kitchen he barely used, and without waiting for Yu Wenzhou to reply, he muttered, “I’ll get you something to drink. Uh, let’s see, what do I have in here?”

Some rummaging and a yelped curse later — presumably in his haste, he’d accidentally hit his head on something — Huang Shaotian came out with two bottles of beverage.

When Yu Wenzhou glanced over, he couldn’t help but let a corner of his lips curved up into an amused smile. For whatever reason, Huang Shaotian was currently acting like as if he was the uninvited guest, maneuvering carefully around his own home like the floor was covered in glass and he was trying not to startle the man sitting in his living-room. He placed the two bottles of peach-flavored black tea onto the coffee table and sat down gingerly beside Yu Wenzhou, taking special precaution to leave a good amount of space between them.

“You don’t seem too happy to see me, Shaotian,” Yu Wenzhou observed, picking up the bottle easily and twisting the cap off to take a sip of the artificially sweetened iced tea.

“That’s crazy talk, captain! Of course I’m happy to see you — I’m absolutely thrilled to see you!” Huang Shaotian stuttered, and decided that now was a good time to drink his tea as well, but his hands were shaking so much that it took him a few seconds before he could grip the cap properly. He gulped down the liquid as if his life depended on it, and when half of the tea had been consumed, his nerves seemed to have returned as well. He sighed, looking away, and murmured, “I was just — I didn’t expect to see you here, of all places, this late at night, is all. You could’ve said something, you know? I could’ve come to the airport to pick you up.”

“Then it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore, now would it?”

A soft hint of laugher was laced within Yu Wenzhou’s low voice, like the softest breeze ruffling through the summer flower fields — sweet and sensual.

“N-No, I guess not.”

It was the voice that caressed his heart late at night, when his dreams were consumed by the images of the man he’d grown up with — from awkward teenagers who competed with each other for a spot in the team to partners standing side-by-side, protecting each other’s backs, creating opportunities for each other to attack and invade and win — and those images had been strange yet mesmerizing. The slow fumbling fingers on the keyboard that everyone in the Alliance teased about were elegant and left spots of sparks on his bare skin, his smiling lips against the curve of his ear, his neck, his teeth sinking into his supple skin and leaving marks on his hips and the insides of his thighs, his heated breaths mixing with Huang Shaotian’s gasps, ragged and fragmented syllables of their names falling from their parted lips…

Huang Shaotian didn’t remember when he’d first started having these indecent dreams about his captain, but as much as he hated himself for having them in the first place, he couldn’t let the sensations disappear once he woke up; he couldn’t let him go.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the first person to wish you happy birthday,” Yu Wenzhou began once more after he put the bottle of tea down, his voice slightly strained with regret as he returned his gaze towards Huang Shaotian.  

“Why should you be sorry—” Huang Shaotian snapped his head up and stared directly at the other man, his topaz eyes widened with puzzlement.

“Because I want to spend every birthday with you, Shaotian, and I want to always be the first person to wish you a happy birthday,” Yu Wenzhou smiled up at him, as if the statement that just came out of his mouth was a casual, harmless comment about the weather, like it was the most apparent, most genuine sentiment in the world. He tilted his head slightly to the side so that his dark forelocks fell into his eyes, his cheeks tinting just the faintest shade of pink, his smile soft, his voice softer, “is that not obvious?”

“I—I…”

At the back of his mind, Huang Shaotian thought he knew he understood the meaning of each word, but when stringed together like this, when Yu Wenzhou — the man he respected so much as the team’s captain, the friend he treasured so much over the years of ups and downs in their career, the boy he gradually learned to admire though he’d refused to admit this when he was younger, more stubborn — when he spoke to him like this, it was difficult for Huang Shaotian to understand anything.

His mind was buzzing, rearranging the words to make sense out of them, and when it finally clicked, blood roared in his ears, tainting his cheeks red. Everything else in his brain was lost and drowned out by only one, single thought: Yu Wenzhou likes me, he likes me, he likes me, he likes me…

“Y-You’re not playing fair, Yu Wenzhou!”

“They do say those who use tactics have dirty hearts,” Yu Wenzhou’s smile grew a little bolder, a little more mischievous. He shuffled closer, and Huang Shaotian could do nothing but be captivated by the almost animalistic, hungry look in Yu Wenzhou’s eyes — an emotion he’d never seen before, an emotion he dared not fantasize about because it was too dangerous, too damn dangerous — and it wasn’t until his back hit the stiff armrest of his couch that he realized that Yu Wenzhou had successfully trapped him in between his arms.

He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching lightly, their breaths mingling — shallow, hot, irresistible.

There was nowhere for him to escape, but he didn’t want to, Huang Shaotian thought, he’d been running for years now, and he wanted to stop, to rest, to find his way home.

Yu Wenzhou’s eyes held only him, and him alone, and Huang Shaotian felt his heart beating beneath his ribs, beating so hard he was afraid Yu Wenzhou might hear it, might tease him for it, but then Yu Wenzhou was holding his hand and guiding it so that his palm was lying flat against the left side of his chest, and Yu Wenzhou’s heart was palpitating hard, too, like he’d been running for miles, for years.

And Huang Shaotian thought with a smile, gods we’d both been such idiots.

“So, Shaotian, what do you say? Will you let me?” Yu Wenzhou asked in a whisper, words branded on skin.

“Let you… what?” Huang Shaotian sounded weary. This may be a confession — one that he’d only dreamed too many times about in the past, it was true — but he hadn’t forgotten the fact that he was still dealing with one of the great tacticians of Glory.

“Let me accompany you on your birthdays in the years to come,” Yu Wenzhou answered easily, brushing the tip of his thumb gently across Huang Shaotian’s cheek, feeling the heat pooled there, his mesmerized gaze, the way his irises darkened at his touch.

“Only if your kissing skills are better than your terrible hand-speed,” Huang Shaotian challenged him with a shaky grin.

“You’re on,” Yu Wenzhou chuckled, and closed the distance between them with a kiss, too ready and keen to show Huang Shaotian what he was capable of.

This, Huang Shaotian decided faintly before he was entirely distracted by Yu Wenzhou’s consuming kisses, was the best birthday he could ever ask for.

[theritualofourexistence]

Holiday Travel, 2018.

I mentioned briefly in my last post that I was anxious about our holiday travel plans. Having successfully completed our Holiday Whirlwind Tour 2018, I thought it might help me digest the adventure by writing about it.

---

12/22

For me, the holiday travel started on Saturday, December 22nd with a trip to Malvern to meet my dad and brother. For my dad’s (60th!) birthday we went to Philly to catch both a Flyers game and a 76ers game. I drove from State College to Malvern that morning where we shared surprise cake with my Aunt Michelle and cousins Morgan, Danny, and Erin.

Now, my dad, my brother, and I have an ongoing bit featuring an old Happy Meal figurine of Dash from the Incredibles. For over ten years we’ve been taking turns hiding the toy in someone else’s stuff. In college once I forgot my sneakers at home and had my parents ship them. When I unwrapped the package, I found Dash jammed into one of my shoes. There was also a time someone found Dash suspended over the toilet with duct tape. Pete hid Dash in my medicine cabinet back in July and I had been scheming for months trying to come up with a spectacular way to pass Dash on to my Dad.

So, I put Dash into my Dad’s 60th birthday cake. The cake is a lemon cake with lemon buttercream, lemon curd filling, shortbread and Biscoff cookie crumbles, and vanilla mascarpone rosettes. And a plastic toy inside, of course.

The big reveal went about as well as I could’ve hoped and even though it wasn’t a long visit, it was a treat to get some time with my Aunt Michelle and cousins as well.

From their home in Malvern we went in to the city to catch the Flyers game. They didn’t win but it was still fun and hey, we got to see a fight too!

After the Flyers game we took the Broad Street Line into the city to get cheesesteaks from Pat’s. Along the way we passed a very cool glass mural on the outside of a museum. It was cold but nothing warms this Philly girl’s soul quite like a famous cheesesteak.

We trained back to the stadium for the 76ers game… it was excellent to see a close game and even better to end our evening with a win!

Then back to Malvern where we parted ways for the night, Dad and Pete heading home and me stopping at a hotel in York for the night.

Daily miles driven: 313. Total miles: 313.

12/23

On Sunday the 23rd we were up and moving early to get our family Christmas tree! Ever since I was a kid, we’ve gone to cut down our own real tree for Christmas. We met at our go-to place, Tuckaway Tree Farm, and found the perfect tree. Then back to Huntingdon to decorate and share a family dinner. After one of our family faves, turkey pot pie, and LOTS of Christmas cookies, I headed home for one beloved sleep in my own bed before the chaos really began.

Daily miles driven: 153. Total miles: 466.

12/24

Family Christmas! My mom, my dad, my brother and I unwrapped our family gifts in Huntingdon and upheld our tradition of reading both “The Night Before Christmas” and “The Polar Express.” My dad made eggs benedict and beignets for breakfast before we parted ways… Dad heading to Richmond, and mom, Pete, and I heading to visit our Grammy and Pap-Pap in Elizabethtown.

We had a lovely visit with Grammy and Pap-pap, opening more presents and having another family dinner. Then we hit the road again, stopping at a hotel in Lancaster for the night.

Daily miles driven: 171. Total miles: 637.

12/25

Huddell Christmas! We woke up to peanut butter waffles before continuing our trip to see mom’s family, the Huddell clan in Glenolden. We’ve been going to Glenolden for Christmas for almost my whole life… though there were a few years when we gathered elsewhere, Christmas at Glenolden will always be a very special thing for me.

I got lots of good chats with my aunts and uncles and cousins and cousins’ spouses and kids. One of my cousins showed up in his Christmas pjs, a Pikachu onesie. One of my uncles showed up in David Pumpkins-esque Christmas suit. I got to sit with my Grandmom for a bit while my uncle shared the good news that another of my cousins is pregnant with her first child. We cram a lot of people into a small space for a few hours in Glenolden every year and I wouldn’t trade it for the world… so much love in such a small space! Then a tasty lunch buffet of meatballs and more Christmas cookies gave us the fuel to keep driving.

We finished Christmas day driving south to our hotel in Emporia on the way to our next destination.

Daily miles driven: 378. Total miles: 1,015.

12/26

Finished our drive and arrived in North Myrtle Beach in time for family dinner! The celebration for my Nana and Grandpa’s 50th wedding anniversary began with ham and cheesy potatoes and homemade applesauce, which we shared with more aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends. We hung out in their condo laughing and eating and swapping stories in the warmth of the glow from the Christmas decorations. After a final nightcap we headed to our hotel for the night.

I am very anxious during travel but when I’m greeted with such a beautiful ocean view, it’s hard to be too grumpy.

Daily miles driven: 265. Total miles: 1,280.

12/27

Party day!

Pete and I started our day by meeting my dad, Nancy, and cousin Lee for mini-golf. The course we played at had a cute little train to the top of the course which my party-pooper brother refused to ride. The game was close- Dad and Pete tied for first and I was just one stroke behind. Pete, Lee, and I hung out for a second round of golf despite the steadily increasing threat of rain. We ended up soaked but ya gotta get your mini-golf fix when you can and I’m glad we stayed for that second game and some extra cousin time!

Back to the hotel to get ready for the party before meeting up with the rest of the group for a tasty Italian dinner and three different types of cheesecake! Though we spent a lot of time in the car to get there, I am so so glad that I was able to share the time with my family and celebrate my Nana and Grandpa!

Daily miles driven: 20. Total miles: 1,300.

12/28

We woke up to get breakfast with Nana and Grandpa at Friendly’s before starting our saga back north. It was a tough goodbye… I feel very strongly that I don’t get enough time with my Nana and Grandpa but that’s one of those problems that doesn’t have an easy fix.

After a long, long drive through the rain we arrived in Fredericksburg for the night.

Daily miles driven: 371. Total miles: 1,671.

12/29

Family tattoo adventure!

After an emergency trip to purchase shorts and a late-night email exchange, we started the second to last leg of our journey to Key City Tattoo in Frederick, Maryland. Pete had previously made an appointment with Antonio Roque and I managed to secure a spot with one of my favorite tattooers, Vinny Morris. My mom snagged a walk-in spot with Nate Sprenkle and we all ended up under the needle.

A few hours and three beautiful pieces of artwork later, we started the trip home with a quick stop for Five Guys on the way.

Daily miles driven: 280. Total miles: 1,951.

---

This is basically a captain’s log. Being in the car is hard for me but I find it slightly more manageable if I’m driving, so despite plenty of offers from my mom and my brother to take turns at the wheel, I drove every one of those 2,000 miles. Even if driving helps, I still am anxious enough that I need to stop often. If you add up all the miles traveled and all the extra miles for stops in that long, long seven-day span, I’m sure we drove at least 2,000 miles.

I’m endlessly grateful for my family’s patience with my need to stop and truly blessed to have spent so much time with my family this holiday season.

What you don’t see in this mile count is a laugh count or a smile count or a family dinner count. Though the weight of those miles was heavy, the scales are undeniably tipped in favor of the plentiful blessings I collected along the way. I got to see Pete for the first time since July. I got to see cousins I haven’t seen in years. I got to see all five of my living grandparents. I got to prove to myself that even if the trip wasn’t easy and didn’t exactly go super smoothly, I was still able to do it safely.

I finished the trip with a Roald Dahl reminder to “row on.” 

I started 2019 by printing and hanging new pictures in my room. This year was a big one and I am so grateful for all the victories I collected along the way, both big and small, with the help of my friends and family.

[nekojitachan]

AFTG Fic -Hang a Shining Star

This is my TFC-Net Secret Santa post for @twnyards - who wanted “I got u in an office secret santa and i no Nothing about u so now i have to get to know u so i can buy u a gift”. I hope this fits somewhat?

Andreil (well, pre-Andreil) secret Santa shenanigans, in NO WAY is Andrew low-key crushing on the new guy. Nope, nope, nope. Possible plotting Renee with a bit of Renison thrown in there.

*******

Andrew stared at the slip of paper which Renee had just handed him from the company’s annual ‘secret Santa’ exchange. “Not only don’t I care, but I don’t know who-“

“Ah,” she chided him before he could rattle off Josten’s name. “We’re not supposed to reveal who we have until the party next Friday.”

He gave her a flat look as he crumpled the slip of paper. “This is ridiculous. Why do we even bother?”

“Because it’s a nice tradition?” she tried before she sighed and went for the throat. “Because we spend half the day eating all the food Wymack buys for us and whatever anyone brings in while we exchange the gifts, so that means you don’t have to work for four hours while stuffing yourself with a lot of desserts.”

Renee knew him rather well, dammit. “You better bring your double chocolate cheesecake,” he warned as he barely resisted the urge to throw the slip of paper back in her smirking face.

“Of course! And lots of fudge, too.” She smiled at him, all too aware of his weak points after working together for the last few years. “I might even try this eggnog cake recipe, if I have the time.”

Sweets and alcohol, how could he resist. “Find the time if you expect me to buy something for this person,” he demanded before stalking away, done dealing with people for the day.

He should be used to the damn gift exchange after working for Fleet Foxes the last five years, it was just that he ‘somehow’ usually got Renee or Aaron or Nicky, whom he didn’t mind to buy something small for (the limit was twenty dollars). One year he got Kevin, which had been almost amusing to find the most historically incorrect DVD series he could find to gift the history fanatic, and then walk away whenever Kevin had ranted about the show’s many, many inaccuracies (or even better, to listen to his coworkers complain about being trapped in the breakroom during one of Kevin’s rants).

Except that year? He’d gotten stuck with one Neil Josten, which he remembered setting up access for the guy after running the basic background check (nothing out of the ordinary… in fact, almost suspiciously nothing at all in the guy’s background). No, the only thing that had stood out about one Neil Josten, hired to work on translating the company’s websites into a few different languages and assist in customer service in said languages was that he was only a couple of inches taller than Andrew’s five feet. That and the faded scars on his too-attractive face.

Andrew had never imagined that he’d one day be holding down a nine-to-five job… but he supposed that there was an exception somewhere for him to be working for a former guidance counselor who took on all the hard luck cases back in his old high school whom he’d fought for to get various scholarships to universities, only to quit his job upon finding out that he had a son of his own and go on to form a company which put together and sold sports equipment to children with special needs. David Wymack just didn’t know when to give up… but Andrew guessed that was in part why he held any amount of respect for the man, why Wymack had managed to not be driven away by a certain messed-up kid with more than enough anger issues after bouncing around various (abusive) foster homes before his ‘lovely’ mother had decided to take him back in.

All that really mattered in the end was that Wymack had hired him to put that criminal justice degree to good use on background checks to make sure that the employees he hired were on the up and up and that the various charities and organizations weren’t trying to pull a fast one on the company, and that his twin brother Aaron had a stable job while he worked on his pre-med degree, down in the free clinic which the company offered for the families which often couldn’t afford healthcare, let alone the fancy wheelchairs and bikes and other pieces of equipment that the Fleet Foxes (or FF, as most of the employees referred to the company), gave out to the poor kids in order to make their lives better.

Which was why he suffered through the stupid holiday parties and whatever else do-gooders like Renee organized, though the free food and generous plates of desserts always helped. That almost all of the employees had learned to leave him alone by then, with the exceptions of Bee and Renee and Wymack.

Except that now he had to figure out a gift for one Neil Josten, dammit. Part of Andrew was tempted to just throw together a bag of socks and a Starbucks gift card… but then he remembered a pair of icy blue eyes and auburn curls and high cheekbones and….

DAMMIT.

He blamed it all on the fact that his longstanding fuck-buddy, Roland, had found a boyfriend in the last few months, which meant that Andrew didn’t have a convenient means of release other than his own right hand. Which meant instead of creamy dark brown skin and honey colored eyes, lately he’d been imaging pale gold skin and fire-dipped curls and-

He needed to stop thinking about Neil Josten.

Except now he needed to get a damn present for the gorgeous enigma, it seemed.

He spent three days trying to figure out the quiet young man who came in early in the morning (too early for Andrew’s tastes), didn’t seem to talk much to the other employees and remained in his own little office before leaving hours before Andrew (who arrived well after 9am). Josten dressed as if he raided Goodwill for clothes, his outfits hanging from his slim frame.

Still, knowing that the redhead was an early riser and a loner wasn’t really much of anything, so Andrew braced himself for the worst and turned to his cousin Nicky, who also worked for Wymack in the marketing department, along with Aaron.

“Eh, Neil?” Nicky squealed during their shared ‘family’ coffee break on Thursday. “The cutie? The cutie with the gorgeous eyes and the tight ass?”

“The linguistic guy,” Andrew stressed as he gave his cousin a flat look. “Say anything else and you better have signed up for the high level insurance premium.”

Nicky laughed at that until he finally seemed to figure out that Andrew wasn’t kidding. “Okay, okay!” He held his hands up for a few seconds while smiling nervously. “Neil Josten, yeah!”

“The antisocial asshole,” Aaron murmured into his huge mug of coffee. “Wouldn’t take off his shirt while Katelyn did his physical.”

Andrew turned his flat look on his brother, unwilling to hear about the ‘girlfriend’ at the moment. “I like him better all of a sudden.”

Aaron gave him the finger for that comment while Nicky laughed again, just a nervous. “Neil, okay? He actually gets along with Matt, but I think it’s more because Matt doesn’t give him much of a choice,” Nicky confessed. “Matt seemed to latch on to him as someone who needed a buddy, and Neil will go out to lunch with him once or twice a week.” The more he spoke, the more Nicky calmed down and seemed interested in the topic. “He’s quiet and keeps to himself, but he seems to like tea and will eat a lot of different stuff for lunch, according to Matt, but no sweets. He never touches any of the donuts that anyone brings in or the birthday treats.”

In other words, the guy was a freak. “So bad taste in food, friends and clothes,” Andrew murmured as he put together a mental image of the new guy based on what Nicky had just said.

“You noticed, too?” Nicky perked up on that as he went to refill his mug with some more coffee. “He really needs some new clothes, he’s too hot to wear stuff that’s like, ten years old. At least? I mean, it’s all clean and everything, but he looks like he was dressed by his grandfather or something.”

“It’s work, not Eden’s,” Aaron said as he rolled his eyes as he mentioned the club where Roland bartended. “Who cares?”

“How are we related?” Nicky gasped. “Hot guys should always look hot!”

Andrew pushed away from the counter he’d been leaning against before the conversation degraded any further. “Anything else?” Checking his emails was more interesting than listing to Nicky’s inane prattle.

“Uhm… oh, yeah! Neil has a thing for cats,” Nicky offered up with a grin. “I overheard him say something about having to go out to buy cat food one day. Did that help?” He gave Andrew a hopeful smile, which Andrew ignored as he left the breakroom.

So, tea, something to do with cats, maybe a nice sweater or something – now Andrew had an idea of what to get the new guy. Yet instead of logging on to Amazon and finding something under the price limit, he spent the next few days lingering in the breakroom and outside of his office as much as possible, suffering Nicky and Renee and the others just so he could catch a glimpse of one Neil Josten.

The weather had taken a ‘cold’ turn for the end of the year (as much as it ever did in South Carolina), which meant that Josten showed up in overlarge sweatshirts and sweaters, all of them appearing old and faded and a few washes away from fraying – and none of them having anything to do with the holiday (that was one thing which Andrew approved of, considering how much grief he got over wearing black all through December). There was indeed traces of black and grey cat hair on his blue sweatshirt the one day, confirming that he had at least one cat, and Andrew watched him turn down a slice of Renee’s rather good coffee cake in the breakroom on Monday while he made himself a cup of what looked to be some sort of black tea. He was polite but distance, and seemed to miss her question about what he’d done over the weekend before he excused himself.

He was also quick on his feet, and quiet, too.

Andrew helped himself to an extra-large slice of the coffee cake since Josten hadn’t taken any. “Someone’s shy.”

Renee shrugged as she made herself some herbal tea. “He doesn’t like to be put on the spot, but if Matt’s around, he’ll open up a little. You should see the picture of his two cats, they’re adorable. He rescued them from a shelter.” She smiled at Andrew, the expression warm and inviting, which he knew better than to trust after digging into her background. “Said that it’s nice to have something to come home to each night.”

In other words, Josten was single, not that Andrew cared or anything. “I imagine the furballs are about as useful as Nicky,” Andrew drawled before he took a big bite of the slice of cake, his gaze locked with Renee’s.

“Maybe,” Renee answered with that damn knowing smile on her face. “You should talk to him at the party on Friday, I think you two have a lot in common.”

He didn’t answer that, he just ate the cake in steady bites before he topped off his mug with more coffee, sugar and milk and then left the room.

If he happened to eat lunch at the same Chinese place where Boyd took Josten on Tuesday? Pure coincidence. He sat at a table by himself and watched Boyd urge Josten to eat some more while the redhead poked at his noodle dish and nodded along with whatever his gregarious coworker said (the kids loved Boyd, who worked events with Wilds and Renee where they gave out the various pieces of equipment and made sure it met the kids’ needs and everything). Andrew noticed how Josten seemed to keep his head down, his hair falling onto his face and eyes, as if to avoid drawing attention to himself.

Yet he still drew looks, and not just because of the faded slashes on his left cheek and the burn on his right (which Andrew hadn’t found anything about, despite all of his digging), not when they failed to detract from the fact that he still was a very attractive young man.

… Andrew really needed to stop thinking things like that.

Still, he finally had an idea of what to get the guy (and if it went over the price limit a bit, who the hell cared?), and placed the order along with some more thick socks for himself and a new mug which read ‘I don’t like MORNING PEOPLE. Or mornings. Or people.’

The next couple of days he had to put up with Nicky babbling about the present he got for his secret Santa and Aaron whining about if his present for the annoying girlthing would be good enough (Andrew didn’t give a shit about either, but most especially the latter), and spent most of his time at work playing solitaire since there was so little to do now that the holiday rush was over. Friday finally came, and all he cared about was the one conference room on the second floor filled with food and the fact that they had the next week off, per Wymack’s ridiculously generous holiday package (something about spending time with loved ones and family – Andrew planned to be barricaded in his room as much as possible to avoid seeing Nicky and Aaron).

Most of the staff had shown up in horrendous holiday sweaters, Nicky included, which made Andrew want to grab some food and retreat back into his small office until it was time to leave for the day, but Wymack insisted on everyone spending some time together, the bastard. The old man wore a bright red and green sweater with the words ‘Oh Snap’ on the front and the image of a broken gingerman cookie, of all things, with Abby standing next to him with a sloth wearing a Santa’s hat on hers.

The worst part of it all? No real alcohol at the damn event. At least Renee had made the eggnog cake, so Andrew headed straight for it and cut himself a huge slice.

“I want to thank you all for another great year here at Fleet Foxes, for all the kids we made happy and the wishes we’ve fulfilled,” Wymack said as he smiled at everyone gathered in the conference room. “I couldn’t have done it without your hard work, and I look forward to another successful year.”

People cheered and clapped to that bit of trite nonsense, while Kevin glared at Andrew for eating cake through it all. Wilds was quick to take over and start calling out names so people could come and collect their gifts while everyone helped themselves to the food (Andrew remained by the cake since Renee had outdone herself on it), and Josten was one of the first few who went up to fetch his.

Andrew munched on the cake while Josten accepted the large bag and would have stepped away with it, except that Wilds made him show everyone what was inside. Clearly nervous with all of the attention, Josten pulled out the dark blue hooded sweatshirt with the saying ‘Carry On and Keep Ignoring Me’ across the front, which made him smile as he read it.

“That’s really cute,” Wilds said as she gave him a pat on the back. “You’ll look great in it, too!”

“Yes, something new for once, and not three sizes too large,” Reynolds called out from where she stood next to Renee.

Andrew had gotten it a little large, but not so much that it would swamp Josten’s lean runner’s figure. Josten gave Reynolds a bland look for her remark, but he took care to fold the gift before he put it back in the bag, and after reading the tag attached to it, he glanced around the room and gave Andrew a shy smile.

A few minutes later it was Andrew’s turn, and Wilds had a huge grin on her face when she handed him a small gift bag. Figuring that maybe Reynolds had gotten him again and it was another lump of coal inside, he opened it to find what was a small box of gourmet truffles from the one chocolate store downtown which he tended to patronize on a regular basis.

The only thing more surprising about the contents was the name on the bag’s tag, which informed him that his secret Santa for the year was one Neil Josten.

He walked away while Wilds was still talking about something, over to where Josten and Abby seemed to be discussing whatever dish Bee had brought to the potluck. Abby smiled at him as he drew near and nodded in greeting. “Have you tried Betsy’s new casserole yet? It’s pretty good.”

Andrew glanced at what looked to be some sort of cheesy potatoes and shook his head. “Not yet.” He held up the small gift bag while he gazed at Neil Josten. “Who told you?”

Neil set aside the small plate of food he held in his left hand and smiled, the expression slight but evident with that full bottom lip of his. “Well, everyone here talks about how much you like sweets, so a few people told me about that one shop.” The smile faded as he nodded over to Renee, who had her right arm wrapped around Reynolds. “Renee gave me ideas about some flavors in particular, though.”

Andrew had to wonder just how much ‘chance’ had to play in the two of them ending up as each other’s secret Santa that year. “You probably spent too much,” he argued since he knew that those truffles weren’t cheap.

“And you didn’t?” Neil nodded to the large bag near his feet. “That’s a nice sweatshirt. Thank you.”

Abby glanced at the two of them before murmuring something and walking away. Meanwhile, Andrew gave the new guy a flat look and clicked his tongue. “I was doing everyone here a favor. It’s time you showed up in something decent for once.”

“Ah, well… I guess I still appreciate it.” Neil’s expression was a little wistful as he swiped his right hand down the front of his worn grey sweatshirt.

“I know Wymack pays a decent salary, so why don’t you buy some new ones?” Andrew knew more than that, actually, considering the access he had.

Neil shrugged. “Old habit, I guess.” His pale blue eyes narrowed as he looked over Andrew. “Why do you always wear black?”

“Old habit, I guess,” Andrew shot back, and told himself that he didn’t feel anything when Josten’s smile strengthened at the retort.

“Hmm… so… how about this? It’s a new year, so if I show up in something new, you show up in something not black?” Neil offered with a slight tilt of his head. “A resolution for us both?”

Andrew considered that for a moment, about seeing Neil in something other than the baggy clothes he always seemed to wear. “It has to be something other than what I got you today.” Neil hesitated for a moment before nodding in agreement. “And I get to pick it out.”

Those blue eyes went wide and for a moment Andrew thought Neil would say ‘no’… but Neil looked him up and down again before he began to fuss with the hem of his grey shirt. “Uhm, okay? I guess you’ll just bring it to work and-“

“We’ll go shopping together.” Andrew told himself that it would get him out of the house and away from his brother and cousin and their ‘respective others’, not that he was trying to spend time with a cute coworker and… it was nothing. Nothing.

Just like it meant nothing when Neil peered at him through those overlong bangs with his big blue eyes then stuttered out a yes. They exchanged phone numbers and agreed to meet up before New Year’s Eve, then Andrew watched Neil all but stumble over to Matt, who took to grinning while the much shorter young man talked while motioning about with his hands.

Renee waltzed all over a couple of minutes later with a large plate of her double chocolate cheesecake and a pleased smile on her face. “I told you that you had a lot in common.”

“I’m just doing everyone a favor and preventing an eyesore at the office.” Andrew was determined to stick with that story.

“I’m sure everyone will greatly appreciate it, whatever it is you’re doing,” Renee agreed as he snatched away the dessert. “That blue will go very well with his eyes.”

“It was the only color available,” Andrew said. Well, the only acceptable color available.

“Hmm.” He hadn’t thought it possible, but her smile grew even brighter. “Merry Christmas, Andrew. I wish you all the peace and happiness possible for the new year, which you truly deserve.”

“Yeah, well, it’s too late to wish you anything good, Reynolds already has her claws sunk in you,” he told her, which made her laugh as she walked away.

Besides, Andrew didn’t believe in things like nice wishes or holiday spirit or ‘goodwill to mankind’, not after everything that had happened to him as a child. He was responsible for his own happiness and future from now on, and that wasn’t going to change any time soon.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t wait to see what role a certain quiet, mysterious redhead played in that future, though, right?

*******

I hope you enjoyed your holiday gift fic and it’s a wonderful holiday for you!

[duallygirl178]

Dearest O'Malley Chapter 12

Chapter 12

It took me 2 months to pull myself back to health and being sad about losing Joe really got me. I didn't want to start working again as soon as I heard about it. I know that small things such as a relationship has came to an end don't upset me. I wasn't upset when Shay stopped hanging out with Nathan but when things like this happen, it takes me a long time to get over it. I too was really close to Joe since I was almost always up there. I know I would mess around with him when I needed something lined up. It would be a very hard, tough summer for me. Night after night, I'd sit under the carport looking sad. Nathan spent over 36 dollars trying to fix me while Natalie urged him not to give up. She went with him to see me. No matter what the problem was, I still missed Joe. Carol was transported to Good Sams to get better and it would be days before she could come home. The only person that could help now was Shannon; Buck's old landlord from Flora Vista. Nathan needed to go get him.

When Shannon came to the rescue one day, I started to feel a bit better. It had been after 5 years since I've seen him. He helped Nathan correct the problem and realigned my points. Then, when I started for him, it brought Nathan great joy. It was all on a Thursday afternoon in September and it was just in time because tomorrow would be my 51st birthday. Nathan took pictures of me t show Natalie. I quickly noticed I had worn off the affects of the nitrous from the college and let go of the pain of being sad. After all, the sun was shining and it was comfortably warm out. I would miss Joe but I will always remember him. When we went to get Natalie that Friday evening from her babysitting job. Natalie was happy to see me running again. Today, was my 51st birthday and we drove to celebrate it at SONIC as my birthday dinner. We ordered hamburgers and had master blasts  while listening to all my favorite songs on Natalie's phone. She recorded song over the week all for me. They all took me back in my day when those hit songs were written and sung on the air. I haven't heard songs like "Rip it up" in over 16 years and it really had been a long time since I've heard them all in a drive-in burger joint on a summer night. I was having a nice birthday and I was enjoying it all except for that two friends of mine that were missing to make it even better.

The moment after we got done eating, I started to make my way down the street headed home that night. I suddenly heard someone sing out to me about 4 feet behind me "Good Golly, Miss Molly!" and I wasn't paying any attention until the last minute on who it was. I heard it again. "Good golly, Miss Molly! Sure like a ball!" I looked behind me and it was Gonzo. I laughed and said "Uh-on. Someone come get Gadget-mobile...'Good morning Riverton'!"

It was a very good to see him here tonight. I haven't seen the ol' Saucer in weeks. When he finished laughing, Gonzo replied "Where've you been at the last few weeks?" I told him; "I got sick after I had surgery on my transmission and didn't run for two months." Gonzo gasped in surprise and said "Oh no. That's not good. Well, I hoped that you were able to get better." I agreed and remembered to tell Gonzo something important. I said "And I was able to get well because it's my 51st birthday. I'm an old man." Gonzo replied back "I remembered. Happy birthday, O'Malley. I had a gift for you, but I forgot it at home. Let me make it up to you. Tomorrow, I'll come by with it and give you a cake that I made to celebrate. You'll really like it. I made you a Recess cup ice cake." I smiled and said "You didn't have to do that. It's not a big deal." Gonzo refused and said "No, no. I insist because that's what friends do." I snickered and said "Alright, if you insist." Then Gonzo talked to me a few hours and then, had to get home after he was going to the dollar store. It was almost time for his TV show that he was hooked on. We headed home also with our bellies full of good old American food. When we got home, I got a nice birthday under-carriage rub from Natalie. It was a great present and whatever that Gonzo was going to get me, it was going to be even better. I've been enjoying a lot of those belly rubs from Natalie lately and they got better every time. Once I got a belly rub, they appear to come out like a lasagna in every place. I would get a massage under my chin, belly, sides and hood. I started feeling younger, healthier, and stronger. When Jan got up to wash dishes, the TV was ours to watch after she was done watching her Lifetime channel. I didn't mind, I was enjoying my massage from Natalie. She gave me a chin rub after she rubbed my belly. I wished Gladys could have given me massages, but she never did. I was guaranteed Natalie did a better job than anyone.

The very next day in the afternoon, Gonzo came over to 1025 which was where I lived at. He brought me cake and a gift over and he told me happy birthday even though my birthday was last night. We still celebrated it and ate cake. It was even better than the Village Inn restaurant because when it came to cake, Gonzo made the best.  When I opened my gift, it was a fifty dollar gift card to Starbucks. Gonzo wasn't so great at picking gifts but I have been craving Starbucks for a while and since I haven't been to Starbucks in a long time, I was sure to spend it on a latte and a cheese Danish for sure. I smiled and thanked Gonzo. He chuckled delighted and said "Now you can stop by Starbucks and those cheese Danishes and coffee won't be taunting you anymore." I told him "I had a few dreams about hot and doughy pastries like cinnamon rolls, donuts, scones, and Danishes that I wish I could pull right out of my dreams and bask into their sweet gooey sin of freshness. You did a good job of making this recess pie. I tell you what it makes all the cherry pies look shameful." Gonzo thanked me on the compliment and we updated on what we've been doing on each other. Other than me getting sick for almost 2 months, Gonzo's been doing good aside from him getting allergies from the cottonwood trees and getting stuck out in the sun, only to get worse in his condition. It was a good thing I didn't catch allergies coming to think of it while Gonzo talked on and on. I mean, holy flounder-flop, he talked as long as my cousin did.

After that, Gonzo had to head home because it was already 3PM and getting late. He needed to be home for dinner so, he let me have the rest of the cake. Gonzo departed as soon as he pulled out. The next day, I got to celebrate my 51st birthday again with Robin since he always remembered my birthdays. Robin took me out for lunch at DAD'S Diner by the mall. Robin encountered a jukebox, put a quarter in, and played "See you later alligator" by Bill Haley and His Comets which I hadn't heard that song in forever. It was one of my favorite songs. I instantly perked up and hummed along. Just as Robin was headed back to me, he saw me humming along to "See you later alligator" and said "You know, you're 51 years old. You need to loosen up, be cool and release your energy into some of that jive." I looked embarrassed. I haven't danced in a very long time and wasn't sure if I wanted to stand up and dance. I stuttered and said "Robin...I.…...I-I haven't danced in over 20 years. I don't even know if I want to dance in front of all these people." Robin blew raspberry and said "Oh come on. It's your birthday. You only get to be 51 once in your life. It'll be fun." I snickered and was finally into the groove since I loved that song so much, I could listen to it for days. So I got up and said "Okay, only if you dance with me, man. No matter how many people are staring." and Robin agreed. So we danced to the song and even got a kick out of it when the song ended. I had the most fun. Being 51 was great and it was about to get even better. After Dad’s Diner, we went on a little cruise in town. Robin blared the music to "Good Golly, Miss Molly" and we shouted to every classic car that was also out for a drive, parts of the lyrics to Little Richard's song in their faces. We got looks of "What are you talking about" on their eyes and lots of "Whoo hoo!" comments. I was sure having a great time and a great birthday. When the song ended, I was talking to Robin on how much fun I was having and I added "You know Robin, Folks my age should really goof off on special days or on young moments from being 17 years old. This us just...too much!" Robin bursted out laughing and said "I know. It pays for being 51 years old because old folks just want to have fun." Instantly, I thought of an idea and so I told Robin what it was. He laughed and reduced his speed to 10 miles an hour. He and I picked random cars in traffic and cruised by them for a few minutes. Then we would make them fishtail and stop dead in traffic. I sped up to a person with a Farmington High School bumper sticker on his 2008 Nissan Ultama. I got by the driver's side while driving in traffic and waited 20 minutes for the moment at 20 miles an hour and then, made the dude swerve over to the left side and right on the street until his car drove over on a curb. Robin and I bursted out laughing as we left the sucker in the dust. Robin did the same thing as I did. He drove up to a random car in traffic, pulled up, waited for the moment and swerved a little making the car fishtail. We started doing that until we turned down the street to fill up on motor oil. Robin couldn't wipe that smile off his bumper but it would take weeks to wipe the smile away.

The week before Carol came home, I heard some news that Erik had stolen her computer. I couldn't believe it! Stealing! From his own grandmother! It was treacherous.  This happened while I wasn't paying attention and how he broke in, was beyond me. Erik might have crawled through a spare room window and got the key to the computer room when I know it was locked. But I do know that Erik had stolen a lot of items from Joe and Carol before and then some at Wal-Mart. He was quite a bad person for a thief. I had this feeling that no one was going to do a thing about it to get it back. I didn't even hear him come in as I was reading Carol's books and relaxing on Joe's chair. I laid the book page-down to go see what else the little thief took with him. I came to the bookcase in the dining room with the antiques on top of it, and checked in the bowl where the computer key was. The key was still in there and so I grabbed the key to unlock the computer door. I opened the door, and saw the computer was gone. Next, I closed the door, locked it, set the key back into the bowl and thought about Joe's bedroom. I hunted all over the room to find what more Erik stole. I remembered Joe kept a pistol by his bedside for emergencies. It was gone too. I looked for the pistol but couldn't find it. I supposed Erik stole that too but I wasn't sure if it was true. I couldn't prove it because I didn't see it nor video record it. There was nothing I could do, so I went back to the living room and enjoyed the rest of the book. It would be up to Jan now to find out about what happened and believe what she saw. I still couldn’t believe Erik did such a horrible thing from his grandma. It was all because he wanted Nathan to buy him an expensive gaming system after Tiny was sold to a new home when Nathan's mother was a big priority than Erik. He threw a fit for a few days and Nathan still wouldn't buy him anything because Erik was disrespectful. Nathan didn't care and he always took care of things with love. Erik didn't deserve it. When Carol got home from Good Sam's that late September, after my birthday, we started to take care of her to help her live well again. She went downhill after several weeks and it was getting tiresome.  We knew it was time to call an assisted living care when Carol got too needy because She wanted Jan to stay up at her home and help her. Jan had work and couldn't give her the care she needed. Jan looked at several assisted living agencies and searched for their reasonable prices that only Carol could afford. None of them seemed to help Carol with the chores that needed done, although the nurses did help her change diapers and bathe her. It was time to make drastic measures. Jan called Good Sams and had her transferred to Aztec. The first week that Carol was there, the nurses didn't attend to her and took over an hour to get to her. Carol was going downhill fast and all we could do now was keep visiting her.

That Autumn season, I was having a conversation with Natalie. She was worried about something that Nathan was saying to her. I told her "Nathan always does this. He tried to scare me because I wouldn't start for him. He threatened to sell me to a home, but I outsmarted him. He doesn't start acting on what he says he was going to do." I added that Nathan needed to act more mature by following through on things he was asked to do. Natalie sighed and said "Why does he act that way?" I looked down almost ashamed of myself for telling her that Nathan was trying to win in an argument. I told her "Because he wants you to think you've done something wrong so he can win in the conversation." At that moment, I asked myself quietly 'Was that the best advice I could give?' Was it enough to make Natalie satisfied on how Nathan worked? I didn't feel that it was, but Natalie was very satisfied with the input I gave her. So, Natalie went back in the house and said nothing more...not even what I told her.

A while back, Nathan got a dog after Natalie had to surrender her new cat; Velvet that she got from the Durango animal shelter. What I didn't expect, was to get a pit-bull mix. She was pretty with the black and white but she talked a lot with moos. I knew Nathan wouldn't take care of her nor pay attention to her after a while of getting her. I liked Shyla because she had a different personality, she was full of energy and was funny. She didn't deserve to be left out on a chain on summer nights. She needed a good home with a family that had space and a yard. She needed someone who could walk her. Shyla had ran away a few weeks later but came back 30 minutes later. I remembered that Candy had done that a few times but I've never seen a dog that was so athletic that she could outrun a cheetah in Africa. When Shyla returned, she needed a large amount of discipline. She started walking all over Natalie with no boundaries and making sure Natalie was out of energy. But she didn't stop for Natalie to rest, she wanted to play another round of tug-of-war. Shyla would bring the toy to Natalie while she sat down. Instantly, Natalie got Shyla trying to reach up and grab the toy out of Natalie's clutch when she would jerk it higher than Shyla's reach. I watched her do that too-slow game to Shyla just for my entertainment. Then, I would take a turn to play with Shyla and give Natalie a break. The poor girl had been to the gym for 45 minutes and worked out hard on the treadmill. As I was playing with Shyla, I noticed Shyla had quite a grip. It was like trying to play tug-of-war with an alligator because that dog had a strong, tough grip. About 30 minutes later, Shyla gave up and laid down on the couch. I had finally exhausted Shyla in a game of tug-of-war. I had imagined I had more energy than Shyla. I put the toy on the table and had a seat next to Natalie and said "And that's how you exhaust a dog with tons of energy. I told you I could tire her out like that. Natalie gave me this tired but I'm-quietly-proud-of-you look on her face. I chuckled quickly. I had out-powered Shyla good enough.

That evening as we went into town, we stopped at the gas station to get me fed with gasoline. Our next stop was going to be Wal-mart because Jan needed to buy BOOST drinks while she's pn the run for the weekdays. Natalie was talking about treating Nathan to some new shirts to wear for the week. After I ate my gasoline meal, we pulled into the busy parking lot to Wal-mart. I prepared to wait 45 minutes for them to go shopping. I found out I had to wait only 30 minutes because I saw them coming out with a cart of groceries. Natalie and Nathan were loading the groceries into the trunk while Jan was let in to sit down. She was tired. It felt heavy from all those groceries weighing my balls to the ground. But it turned out, it didn't weigh me down. I was able to get it home with no problem. When we got home after Wal-mart, Natalie grabbed about 15 bags of groceries out of the trunk. Nathan told her and kept telling her to bring in 5 bags at a time. She didn't listen and kept bringing in all the groceries she could handle. After bringing in the groceries, I got a few side rubs from Natalie while Nathan tried on his new shirt. It was a black DEADPOOL Shirt that said "I have Issues" which matched Nathan so well. Recently, Nathan bought the movie "Deadpool" from Safeway and he just loved it. I've seen it once and thought it was pretty raunchy for me, but good for one time. There was a part in the movie where it reminded me of Impa and what he would say. Impa has had that personality that Deadpool had in his eyes. He said the same crude things Deadpool used once. Gonzo and I were even shocked that Impa would say such things but all that was 40 years ago. I didn't remember why Impa said that or who it was to. But besides my point, Nathan and Natalie would watch that movie over and over on occasional nights.

That very next day, Nathan was wearing his new Deadpool shirt. Natalie bought him another one that was white too but she didn't know why he wasn't wearing it. I wouldn't get to see the white shirt on him to know how Nathan liked it. Natalie had asked him "Why aren't you wearing your Beavis and Butt-head shirt?" Frankly, Nathan responded to her "It's hard for me to keep whites clean. Every time I wear them, they get stained." I looked at Natalie and remembered the last few white shirts that Nathan had were stained with something impossible to get out. Natalie told him "Well, if you aren't going to wear it, then I might as well wear it myself." Nathan chuckled as if he didn't mind. Natalie enjoyed wearing T-shirts better than those mule-twisted tees that were for sixth graders...not that I've ever seen or had a problem with her wearing them. I liked her in whatever she had in her closet; pants with a large tee, shorts with a t-shirt...whatever she owned.

A few weeks later, I noticed it was almost time for the Brookside park to have its annual car show. I had to look spiffy and clean for the judges to see. Natalie was already getting a hop on it. She vacuumed my interior out and did everything to get me ready. She worked hard to get the dirt out and the ashes that were in my ash tray from when Jan emptied her ciggs. After a few "Ows" and a lot of "Take it easy. you're hurting me" cries, Natalie was done vacuuming the interior.

A day before the car show, Natalie gave me a bath and scrubbed me down with soap herself. I had to say, it was the best bath I ever gotten. She wore shorts that she sewed together out of her old pants and wore a long t-shirt. I got a little excited and said "Now all you need to be wearing is a shorty-short shirt with a bikini bottom and you'll be all set." I chuckled after I just imagined Catherine Bach's body with Natalie's face on it. Natalie gave me a strange but silly eyes and said "Oh sure, yeah right." She was more confidently happy about her figure than most husky girls. Natalie was my kind of girl with that-girl-as-good-as-she-looks personality. It was like a whole new spunk for me.

Natalie was very thorough when she scrubbed. It felt good as she scrubbed my hubcaps and tires hard. It was like getting a finger massage in hot coconut oil. She gave me a better bath than Nathan and it wasn't normal for Nathan to allow other people to wash any of us three cars. I hated the part where I was sprayed down with a high pressure of water. Now as for the washing part, Natalie loved to use a sponge with soap on it. Next time, if I wanted a bath, I wanted Natalie to do it from now on. That night, Sonic was having a classic car party because it was registration night. I got nervous I wasn't going to be able to park next to Robin this year. I remembered there was a time when I didn't get to do that. I've been parked and seated next to strangers that were terrible. I was used to being close to Robin and I didn't do so hot with strangers. In 2015 of summer, I almost had a fight with an Oldsmobile and I didn't want to go through that again.

[littleleighxo]

Wednesday Late Afternoon Thoughts 2/24/2021 🌺 Part 2/3

Yep! Still Wednesday! More like a late afternoon blog.

Welcome back to part 2 of 3 of this daily blog. The next entry, would be part 3, better known as the trilogy of today’s blog. I hope you all are loving & enjoying these 3 part blogs as much as I do writing them. As I am doing this blog, I am having my 3rd cup of coffee, like I always say in my blogs, “Today calls for coffee & lots of it”. The perfect & ideal motto, for coffee lovers like me. Earlier I went to the produce market with my mom, to pick up dinner tonight. Tonight she is making spaghetti in a light cream sauce w/shrimps. Knowing my mom, she will garnish w/parsley. Kind of like a healthy form of Alfredo sauce. Love when she makes that! Love home cooked meals, as much as I love going out to dinner, though we are still in pandemic, SO I will say I love ordering meals out too, from using Door Dash & Uber Eats. Tomorrow night, we are ordering dinner for my dads birthday & then doing it again on Saturday for my moms b-day. I even picked up the ingredients for their joint birthday cake, my local produce market. Didn’t have funfetti cake mix. SO I picked up yellow cake mix & sprinkles to add into the batter. Also vanilla extract, vanilla pudding to thicken it up& a premade shortbread crust, to make it crunchy. Also got the heavy cream, to make homemade whipped cream, already have the powdered sugar in my pantry, from the last cake I made on Thanksgiving of 2020. Today feels like the ideal spring day, the sun is out. A nice cool breeze, feels like February became April. Like my late grandma used to say about March, “March goes in like a Lion & out like a lamb”. The ideal weather lore for the month of March. Earlier my cousin sent me a picture of my little cousin Ella, who will he turning 7 on March 13th, telling me that today is her 100th day of being home schooled. Can not believe how fast this school year is going. Just 5 more months till summer break for kids here in NY. I miss my little cousin Ella & her siblings Joey & Kayla, aka “the twins”. They are going to turning two years old on June 7th. I remember when Ella was little, my family & I used to visit her a lot, also in the summer at the pool at my cousins condo. She used to love, when my family & I met her there. Last time my family & I went to the pool, was in 2017. She used to make my family & l laugh too! When she used to pull up a chair saying “sit! Enjoy life! Listen to the sound of the waves of the water”. When she used to say that, I used to laugh. Love her little sense of humor. One time, when family & I saw her, for a visit. She was a little hostess lol! With her little hospitality skills, She is definitely going to have a career in hospitality like a hotel clerk, event planning. With her big personality. Love when she face time my family & I too. Which is our only way to see her & her siblings due to this pandemic. Hopefully when this pandemic finally comes to an end, my family & I can finally see them again. Like Joe Biden (our president) tweeted a few days prior “To heal, we must remember.” Kind of like saying “with darkness comes light” . I say this yearly on the anniversary of 9/11/2001, I still can not phantom that this September is 20 years already. The late Victor Hugo once quoted in the epilogue of Les Miserables "Even the darkest night will end & the sun will rise". I seen the various film adaptations, listened to the various adaptations for the soundtrack both in English & French. Already wanted to see the play though on Broadway, my mom said she saw it, when she was pregnant with me almost 33 years ago. I will be turning 33 on May 21st. A few nights ago, I ordered a pearl barbell for my rook piercing. I had my rook pierced for almost two years, this coming December. Within 3 weeks, it was fully healed. I tend to heal really fast! Once my new barbell, will be delivered, I am going to put it in my ear. Followed by a social media post. Mainly for Twitter & Instagram, Facebook is too toxic for me. I defiantly like I wrote a lot, like I always say in every single entry of my blogs. Keep the faith, be kind & subscribe. Much love!! 💕

[brooksmeatswift]

Sometimes you are lucky in life to be there at the start of something special…

That is how we feel in The MacBrooks Household about one of our new homes (The Queen Charlotte being the other) in Windsor at the moment – I say at the moment, I really mean for as long as we are Windsorians. Truth is, it’s been almost two years in the making, so technically we haven’t been there from the very start, but we did receive a hard hat tour before it opened so I’m sticking to my claim.

It was only last summer, Aurora and I were out walking around Windsor with one of our extended family memembers: Kirsty, and she was talking about all the little fun places children had in the vicinity when she was growing up. Whether it be in Old Windsor or within simple walking distance. We both said, wouldn’t it be fun to have some form of soft play area near by. The closest being Wyevale Garden Centre, which is a tiny area and not really too close to walk to when you have a one year old child.

Little did we know, that two local mothers were on the case; Jenny and Tamar had it all in hand. It only seemed like a week or two later that Kirsty messaged me with a link to Facebook, showing The Jelly Lounge page and that a ‘soft play’ area was due to open in late 2017. I will not lie, I did vanquish a little squeal. Those who know me, will very well believe that.

So fast forward to the grand opening and it was even better than one could imagine. Aurora was fortunate enough to be invited to the special preview day, which in turn, meant I got to go too. I know right, lucky papa. Sadly the soft play was not quite ready that lunch time but that was not even an issue, there was still plentiful to keep a one year old occupied. It was, however, ready later that day. In time for the first day proper.

Here, I must add, that the owners of this business both set the stall off from the off with their cheerful and ever so welcoming manner. You automatically feel like you belong and that is such a nice feeling. It flows down through the staff as well. They are all such a friendly bunch and you are welcomed with a cheery smile, the second the front door automatically slides open. You can tell you are about to embark on an adventure, or you are here simply, just to relax.

The front section is a mix of a relaxed coffee shop and a busy bistro and it certainly has found its niche. Windsor has been crying out for an establishment like this. The feature fish tank, with real live fish sits right next to a baby/young toddler play area. Filled with books, train sets, a wobbly bouncing pig toy (that freaks the life out of Rory), a mini ball pool and comes with a play buddy to keep an eye on the children. There’s also two iPads fixed to a side table for games and sensory type play. I haven’t seen if we can get the football up on here yet.

Opposite, there is a coffee shop counter where you can order off the drinks menu (an extensive array of coffees, hot drinks and healthy smoothies), including a fully stocked bar (within reason, it’s not a pub. If you are requiring absenth, you really shouldn’t be with child and out at the same time), and an impressive but not overwhelming food menu. Ranging from all types of healthy salads and snacks (try the polenta chips, oh my goodness, to die for) to homemade burgers.

Then you go to the back room, the coup de grace for all children from 2 through to… well, old. I don’t want to be agest here, I’m hoping when I turn 82 I’ll be still whizzing down the inside slides with my grandchildren. The indoor soft play really is that extra cherry on the top of the cake. With little pods, swings, slides, climbing apparatus, tunnels, it feels like you find something new to explore each time you enter. Sadly, for us, Rory hit the soft play area hard on the lead up to Christmas and has reverted to wanting to play in the front baby section for the time being. Which is good in a way, as in a few weeks time we will get back into the back room and re-explore. I am still suffering from withdrawal symptoms… So I hope she gets a groove on.

There is also three rooms at the back of the building that are utilised as party hosting rooms (we already have an NCT second birthday plans pencilled in) and used for various different workshops including baking, cooking, messy play and art. We are making sausage rolls tomorrow and I, I mean Aurora can’t wait to make papa some lunch.

The real charm though, is that Jenny and Tamar are extremely open to listening to what parents and families want from this type of establishment and are willing to cater where it is feasible. There is talk of Story Time being introduced in the crocheted tree house – to see is to believe, which I feel will go down a treat. They have recently trialled a 25% off of Prosecco promotion on Fridays from 4pm until close at 8pm. Of course we had to head down and support the cause. Spaghetti Pomodorro for Rory, bubbles for mama and papa, plus some unexpected nachos… we were winning before the weekend had really started.

You can become a member like us, and I have to add here that we bought the first ever membership so I think that makes us royalty or something (pun totally intended), or you can simply turn up on the day and pay. You also get an added perk as a member where you can bring a pal for a free play once per calendar month. So a great way to spend an afternoon with your family or best friends, in this case – Rory’s cousins.

Having somewhere I can take Aurora on a regular basis is such a lifesaver, it seemed churlish not to buy into it and become members. Rory loves it there, and even more so, all the staff love her. I feel it has helped her develop new skills and become more confident around people in general. She has always been confident, but she has become more comfortable in going off and playing on her own without us having to hold her hand all the time. Now it’s just us as parents, allowing her to go and express herself without wanting to hold her hand in return.

If you are with child and ever in Windsor I highly recommend you pay this establishment a visit. It is situated on William Street in the heart of the town centre, really not that hard to find and I guarantee your family will have a great time. Sometimes we go twice in a day, which lead to Beth, one of the staff asking “who likes it here more, Aurora or the parents?” To which both Lindsay and Rory pointed at me and replied “Papa!”

      The Jelly Lounge Sometimes you are lucky in life to be there at the start of something special... That is how we feel in The MacBrooks Household about one of our new homes (The Queen Charlotte being the other) in Windsor at the moment - I say at the moment, I really mean for as long as we are Windsorians.

[bowerylight]

“On towel bars, “Living in the moment” and why I admire people who are late.

I’m a worrier and a catastrophist. What this means is, if you invited me to a birthday party and i watched you stick candles in the cake, I would worry about the candles burning down too quickly, before the wish was made. And then as the candles were blown out, I would think about all the airborne pathogens that were now blown over the surface of the cake; I would think about tuberculosis and smallpox and lung tissue scars. I would probably even have a vision of myself at next year's birthday party attached to a portable oxygen tank.

Automatically, my mind always runs ahead and scans the future for the worst possible outcome and this, then, becomes the thing that I expect. To the catastrophist, a knock on the door is never a girl scout selling cookies; it's the girl scout's third cousin who just escaped from jail and is carrying a machette.

About six months ago, the towel bar in my bathroom started to jiggle on the wall. “Oh great,” I thought, “now the tiled ceiling ceiling the same contractor put in is going to come crashing down and kill my dog.”

My dog loves the bathroom because there’s a heater in there that I can’t turn off. He sits below the towel bar and bakes himself.

When I step out of the shower and see him curled up in front of his heater, the towels hanging from the bar above him, I begin to worry. Even as I shave, I’m glancing down at him in the mirror and saying to myself, “I wish you wouldn’t sit there. it’s dangerous now. That towel bar just isn’t secure.”

If you were to watch a movie of me shaving in the morning, you might mistakenly believe I was somebody who “lived in the moment” because look, I’m just standing there shaving.

But my mind is not shaving along with my body; my mind is in a courtroom during the trial for the contractor who installed the towel bar that fell and killed my dog thereby causing me irreparable psychological damage.

So yesterday, the towel bar came off in my hands. It didn't fall on the dog -but it would have, had I not caught it. (So says the catastrophist.)

So I sat on the floor and figured out how the stupid-ass thing was attached because you can’t see the screws. (Burn in Hell Restoration Hardware.)

But then if you’re sitting on the floor with your face mashed against the wall and you look up, you do kind of half-see a tiny little hole with some sort of possible screw-like thing inside. Because I have two red tool boxes and not just one, I located the correct gizmo and was able to inelegantly but effectively re-tighten the screws and make the towel bar stable once again.

And when I was finished, I experienced the most unfamiliar thing: calm. And I realized that taking action and doing something I didn’t know how to do but had to figure out on the fly had been enough to occupy my brain and prevent it from skipping ahead in search of the next cliff, hurricane or Very Bad News waiting for me around the next corner with a chloroform-soaked rag and a burlap potato sack.

By doing something that required my focus and attention because it was new, I accidentally slipped and fell into the moment.

Thinking about the loose towel bar constantly: stressful, crazy-making. Stepping inside the loose towel bar to see what's going on: calming, like a nap.

When your actions and your thoughts are in the same room at the same time doing the exact same thing, you're "living in the moment."

It doesn’t count to be like me, shaving with your hands and face but with a wayward mind that's occupied with worrying about Possible Outcomes of An Imagined and Dreaded Future Event.

I have a friend who's been sick and tired of New York City for years and wants to just run away to a goat farm somewhere and make artisanal cheese. She imagines she would be happy petting the goats and collecting their milk and turning it into a soft and expensive cheese she could then sell to Whole Foods so that mothers in $700 sandals could buy it and spread it on crackers for their gluten-sensitive children.

But would this really give her the peace of mind she seeks? She’s not unlike me, worry-wise. I can’t help but picture her on her goat farm at 4am out there in the barn milking those critters and even while she’s squatting down in the hay among the hanta-virus rats milking her goats, I bet she’d be thinking, “If I can't find a way to speed these goats up and give me more milk, the bank will foreclose." I have no doubt that as she milked her goats in her charming country barn, all her thoughts would be about how she will soon be living in her elderly parents' garage, eating cat food form a can.

Because if you can't be content where you are, you won't be content where you wish you were. That's why they don't let alcoholics make geographic changes for at least a year. It's like, first you have to make peace and be content here, where you actually are. Then you can move and continue being content someplace new if you want.

To really live in the moment you have to do what my personal trainer told me to do at the gym back in the 1990’s when everybody had a personal trainer and wore their cell phone on a belt clip. He said, “Put your mind in your muscle.” Meaning, if you’re doing bicep curls, look at your bicep muscle, stare at it while you raise the weight, concentrate to make certain you are not involving your shoulder muscles (cheating) but limiting the motion only to the muscles involved.

Which is why I admire people who are late. Somebody should do a study, for real. Because I am almost never late: I arrive way too early. Because I fear being late, I worry about it and then imagine the consequences. So I'm early and totally stressed out with lots of free time to enjoy all those stress hormones eroding my insides.

But people who are late are late because they’re occupied with something else. They obviously aren’t worrying about being late because if they were, they’d have arrived early like me.

People who are late are late because they are busy doing something else and are doing this something else so fully, thoughts about What’s Next? haven’t entered their brains.

Maybe this isn’t true 100% of the time, but I can tell you, the people I know who are always running late for everything are also the people I wish I could be a little bit more like because as busy as they may be, they don’t seem as anxious.

I think that secretly, people who get furious at people who are late are jealous because they wish they could be late, too. Just a hunch.

Here’s the thing about living “in the moment” and I talk more about this in THIS IS HOW (which you should buy right now so I can afford better towel bars): as soon as you ask yourself, am I living in the moment? you take yourself out of the moment.

“Living in the moment” is something you realized you did, in retrospect. It’s not something you realize you’re doing right now. Because, like I just said, if you realize you’re living in the moment right now, you’ve just taken yourself out of it. And once you’re free of this instant in time, there’s no telling where your mind will go.

You also can’t remind yourself to live in the moment so don't bother writing "Live in the moment" on a sticky note, that only increases your carbon footprint and, worse, turns you into the kind of person with trite, motivational slogans stuck to everything.

The only way to truly live in and experience the moment is to do the thing you’re doing. If you’re sitting, sit. If you’re busy researching something, read the thing you’re reading and don’t angst over how much more reading you have yet to do.

How do you know if you’ve been living in the moment? That one’s easy. After I had secured the towel bar I felt like I’d taken a nap. I’d lost all track of time.

When you lose track of time, that’s how you know that you’ve just been living inside it.

OK, I have to get back to writing my novel now because if I don't turn it in by the beginning of December, I'll be living in my brother's garage eating cat food from a can.” -Augusten Burroughs