#also unrelated but had a bit of a revelation today after some things were said in a gc with some irl friends and my first thought was that

[zaggyzoo]

really don't wanna go help with math homework today

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Why Cullen?

Today I bring you a post I’ve been in the process of mentally drafting for a while, a post that essentially analyzes the age old question in the Dragon Age fandom: Why is there always something with Cullen?

To do this, I am going to go through different “phases” of Cullen discourse. My thesis and answering the titular question: It’s complicated, and I don’t think I can answer “Why Cullen,” but “there’s sometimes recycled discourses made about his character through the years, maybe there’s a pattern.” When it comes to Cullen’s detractors, I understand the fact that it might be frustrating to see much content for someone so “boring” when there’s more “interesting” and “well done” characters (though interest is of course relevant) so it leads to a lot of vitriol from both new and old fans who think the man had too much screen time already. Furthermore, he is highly complicated man dressed as a Disney prince, and the “Disney-esque” feel of his romance creates a dissonance between coming to terms with his problematic past and reveling in the romanticism. We can have a happy medium everyone,  but because of what I can only describe as “tik tok thought” it’s become looked down upon to have problematic favorites, which leads to guilt in liking something problematic, or outright revisionism.

But liking things with problematic elements doesn’t make you a bad person.

Alright, let’s begin: 

The first phase truly began of course with DAO with Cullen’s crush on the female Circle Mage Warden. Some were endeared, others not so much. I cannot speak to this phase too much as I was around 15-16 and pretty preoccupied with my high school drama instead of fandom, though I played both DAO and DA2 upon it’s release and followed updates for DA2 before it came out. Despite not being an active fandom member I was what they would call, a lurker. I knew some people liked Cullen and thought he was cute, wishing for more screen time after the game and hoping he’d be in DAI through IMDB message boards (remember those?) and YoutTube comments. When news broke he’d be an advisor in DAI and a romance option, I remember seeing a lot of people in those same spaces rejoice. I’m sure there were also people who weren’t so pleased, but from what I saw, people were happy. When Inquisition did release, I actually did quite a bit more lurking on tumblr despite the fact I didn’t have a blog, because I played the romance route, really gravitated toward it, and wanted to see fanart and such. People liked the romance, liked his arc and how Bioware handled his struggles with lyrium; and found it realistic. Even in my lurking days I did see some blowback on Cullen from detractors, those who didn’t think he should have been the military advisor (which canonically it makes total sense to me why he’s where he’s at, but I won’t get into it here however.) But likely because I wasn’t fully “in fandom,” my surface level understanding of how tumblr felt about Cullen was relatively positive and there was only standard fare discourse.

Phase 2: I can speak about this phase better because I established this blog in 2017. Two years after DAI was released, you still had a lot of fans who loved his romance and character, but you also saw a lot of those fans really dive into his flaws, insisting even that just focusing on the Disney Prince aspects of him reduced his character. There were also more internal debates. Would realistically Cullen be a good father was one. One thing however was for sure, there was a strange them and us line between detractors and fans, and to many fans, myself included, oftentimes the Cullen blowback would extend beyond the valid, “hey I don’t think his characterization was handled well” or “his redemption arc isn’t that great” to outright vitriolic hate that blatantly ignored his PTSD and lyrium addiction, and even sometimes “you just like Cullen because he’s white.” As a POC fan it was a fantastic thing to be accused of. I used to be more involved with discord during this period and I remember a few discussions about this as well. Even those indifferent to Cullen didn’t get it.

Overall, I have to say the air was one where people in Cullen fandom enjoyed all aspects of him, from delving into this troubled past to indulging in the Disney prince aspects of him. It was a happy medium I think, even if occasionally I would see a Cullen fan feel bad for liking him, and feel like they needed to justify it. Heck I even did and still do feel that way sometimes, like I need to justify what I like. But we all come into fandom for different reasons. I come into fandom some days for different things. Sometimes I want smut with my favorite character, other times I want more intense thought pieces and challenging fics. Great thing about fandom is that it’s a bakery that has cherry tarts, cinnamon rolls, or all kinds of pie depending on your mood. Craving a different sweet treat, you can make your own. Or you can commission an artist or writer for something you fancy.

*(sexual assault mentions here late in the paragraph****)And now I’ve been warped back into Cullen/DA fandom through what I am calling phase three, where the general air on Cullen reads as….very different. After having one foot outside DA fandom for a while coming back and reading the air has been different. There was the bizarre nuggetgate and other things with Cullen. Now, instead of accepting his flaws and exploring him there seems to be a lot of revisionism going on, as if his past never happened or we’re supposed to ignore he was a templar. A sexually active Cullen is looked down upon but in a different way from before. Instead of smut works with him “reducing his complicated character.” it’s distasteful to write smut with him where he’s sexually dominant or even just a lot of smut because he was sexually assaulted. (***Now, it is implied that he was, if you are a female Circle mage in DAO, with “sifting through my thoughts, tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have” but this is an implication. I will be honest, it is what I have implied. However, it’s not there if you’re not a female Mage. He was however canonically sexually harassed in the Winter Palace, something I will always argue, even if canon treats it like a joke, even if Leliana tells him to “just look pretty.” Just because he is a man doesn’t make it funny that someone grabbed his bottom, and if you take Cole he flat out says “Cullen is afraid.”***)

So here I am, wondering what changed and what’s going on. Here’s what I believe: Cullen is a complicated character and his flaws and his past make him interesting to me, and they are interesting to explore. However there is nothing wrong with wanting to just explore a romantic, sexual Cullen. He’s a character with many facets. He’s romantic, determined, nostalgic, stubborn, unrelenting, loyal, driven, all things that made him seem so real. Here we get to my theory: in today’s media “criticisms” I see people—particularly younger people—beat themselves up for liking something problematic. It’s like every time you engage with media that’s potentially problematic you have to write essays to yourself why it is so and hold yourself accountable. I see this on tik-tok a lot and why I refer to it as “tik tok thought.” Look at the way some young Hamilton fans talk about the musical, or heck even here, and you may see what I mean. It’s like if you don’t acknowledge the problematic aspects of the historical figures behind their fictional portrayals in the show you’re a bad person. Same thing with nostalgic Disney fans my age in younger, if you don’t clown on Ariel for “choosing a man over anything” (SHE LIKED THE SURFACE WORLD BEFORE SHE MET ERIC) you don’t get your brownie points.

I want to make it clear: being critical of media is good. I am glad I see young people and people my age think about the messages we are given in media, but somehow this is turned into ANALYZE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Ya’ll I’m a grad student. I’m critical most of the time, when I come to my tumblr blog’s lawn I’m here mostly to have some fun, and hey sometimes my fun is being critical. But sometimes it isn’t. You do not have to always be critical. You do not have to beat yourself up for liking something that’s problematic or write an essay about why it is as if that’s your due diligence in stanning a fictional character. I’m going to be honest I used to kind of think I had to justify my likes once, especially because of the Cullen vitriol on tumblr. I worked overtime in my early fanfic efforts to try to prove to the world I knew Cullen was problematic for fear I’d be perceived as just an idiot horny fangirl. Well, let me tell you: I largely don’t think that way anymore. If I want to just enjoy writing some smut or reading some smut with him, I am. But I think there is a second part of this in Cullen fandom currently, a revisionism of his problematic elements. Now, if you have to do mental gymnastics with a character in an effort to ignore problematic elements, perhaps you don’t like the character that much. That’s totally okay. DA has many awesome characters to write about and stan.

So, why Cullen? For so many reasons a bit of a shit show has always followed this character. There’s a divide between fans and his detractors and sometimes there’s a divide within the Cullen fandom. What I can extrapolate for now is the need to keep him squeaky clean and safe and away from anything “problematic” because his of past, his templar roots, or the fact that he’s white when there are POC characters with less content. It reads as a guilt associated with liking him. But please, do not be guilty. He’s not real. Templars aren’t real, mages aren’t real, Cullen isn’t real. Here’s my advice, something I learned while in my directing class in college. What my teacher always said was direct what turns you on, direct a story that gets you thinking, gets you excited. What gets you thinking and excited in a fictional world may be tons of conflict and dramatics, or it may be peace and love. Sometimes it can be both or more. Don’t shame others for coming to a bakery and wanting blueberry when you want cherry, and the baker has both, especially if the baker labels each pie, especially if the recipe for the pie has some salt in it and people like the salt. We can have it all and enjoy it all. What we want in our fiction doesn’t always align with something we may want real life. Lots of people write Modern girl in Thedas stories. Ya’ll if that actually happened to one of us it would probably suck. I’d probably get killed and not even get to meet Cullen and pose around the desk to get things going, so I’d rather it not happen. However, it is fun to read about.

Again, don’t be guilty for liking Cullen, please. But if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to like Cullen, maybe you don’t like him at all. To that I say, there are many other amazing characters, or perhaps you could write your own.

[braydondarkson]

Reconcile

After visiting Aegon, who now helps around in an orphanage, Erebos sat at a cliff; it is where he is to meet Romana. He sees that he is alone and stares off at the horizon. The full moon’s light made the waving waters of the lake below sparkle. Erebos may be all about darkness, and night, but he had a fondness for the moonlight, which is the very thing that forbids him from sleeping or even napping today. Erebos waits some more and hears someone approaching.

“Erebos?” A voice calls out. Erebos stands up and turns around. Romana stood there, shivering a bit. She was not cold but was instead anxious. Her hair was a mess and she looks as though she has not slept nor eaten. The low-class Nephilim’s face was wet from the heavy unrelenting flow of tears. Erebos looks at Romana with pity, not knowing what he should say. Romana sees Erebos in his emperor attire and made a mental approval of it; she saw his offsprings with the same robes when they visit Gaia. Her tears have finally stopped as she was overjoyed to see Erebos again.

“I didn’t think you’d show ever show up,” Romana says with a weak voice.

“My mother gave me your letter when I finally returned here to Gaia. She was a better choice for you than my children were,” Erebos crosses his arms as Romana sighs sadly.

“They hate me so much now. I wanted to expl-”

“But you weren’t worth listening to. You weren’t worth hearing out like I wasn’t to you. Feels awful, doesn’t it?” Erebos says with bitterness hanging heavy in his voice. Romana flinched a bit and frowns.

“Yes. It is. And you’re still angry with me, it seems,” Romana replies. She became very anxious bracing herself for the worst. Romana does not know if she could handle it.

“Yes,” Erebos slowly paces back-and-forth, “I am.” Romana just looks down at her feet. She feels she deserves all the anger and hate she received.

“I’m also disappointed. Your friend Rio sabotaged our relationship by telling you lies about me to “protect you”. Really, I plan on making a harem? As a monogamous, that was NEVER fucking happening. And said harem was to include you, my friend Daria, Luxanne, Ramona, Cleo, and even Rio? Half of six I hate, one I could care less for, one whose only a friend now when you and I began dating, and you…….” Erebos stops and exhales some dark frozen vapor.

“I thought you knew me as well as you claimed. You believed the lies, and that hurt more than the hurtful things you would say to me that day. Hurt almost as much as you getting back with Krueger after all the things he did to you, after all I have done to heal your wounds he uncaringly inflicted before tossing you away,” Erebos turns his back to Romana, not wanting her to see his tears fall. Romana bites her tongue, trying not to cry again.

“That damned angel who hurt you and often compares you to that bitch he intends to leave you for when she’s single again, you went crawling back to him!” Romana felt a twinge in her chest hearing the slight shakiness and anger in Erebos’s voice, the former he was trying to hide completely.

“I hated you just as much as I hate them. I never wanted to see you again. I wanted to move on so badly. Wanted to forget you and the memories we made. I wouldn’t have cared if you died the next day. That is how I just felt until this point. I only now feel pity because you were sold on Rio being your best friend whom you can trust above all, who knows you the best, but she was your manipulator. Your abuser like your sister and ex. Despite it all, your actions are your own,” Erebos sits at the cliff-edge as he cleans his face.

“I was a fool. I know that. All the ridiculous things Rio would sprinkle here and there in everything she said should’ve alerted me, but it didn’t. Since childhood, I have believed everything she says. She had me do everything she told me to do as well. Thankfully, Luxanne exposed her for the awful person she was. The revelation broke me because I will finally realize I screwed up and I wanted to mend bridges, with you most of all, the one who I truly ever loved. She and even my grandparents offered to help me do just that.” Romana says as she puts her hands over her erratic pounding heart.

“The thought of never seeing you again, of you Tartarus and Tenebrae hating me forever, subjected me to countless accounts of anxiety attacks,” Romana says this as her breathing quickens again.

“If Pandora or mother knew why we split, that would be the least of your worries,” Erebos huffs out more frozen vapor like cigar smoke.

“Erebos, I’m sorry. You’re right, I should’ve known you wouldn’t and haven’t done those things Rio said. You’ve been nothing but honest with me. About your life on Earth, being the masked killer known as the “Raven King”, being a mafia boss, your relationship with Daria and now being just friends, the existence of your demi-Nephilim children Tartarus and Tenebrae you both had together in the future. Everything. And I never loved you less for any of it.” Romana hangs her head in shame.

“I’ll do whatever it takes to have you all forgive me! Just name it!” Romana says. Erebos says nothing for a long time. Romana’s anxiety was now amping up. Erebos uses his space powers to summon the eight small rings Romana gifted him on his twenty-first birthday and put them back in a few of his dreads on his left. Romana noticed this, and tears of happiness fell.

“I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. I’m sorry for how I treated you when we were kids. I thought it a cruel joke you were playing when you said you always liked me, despite the Day of the Devil I’m now known for, after Ramona broke up with me. I’m glad you weren’t joking, and I wish I didn’t believe otherwise. You forgave me for that, and I forgive you for this,” Erebos says. He stands up and looks at Romana with a slight grin.

“You told me to name anything to get me to forgive you, though. Ro Mama, come hug Darkness- oof!” Romana instantly wraps her shaking arms around Erebos and hugs him tightly. Romana had the embodiment of darkness and night’s head buried deep in her cleavage.

“Brrrr!” Romana instantly shivers upon touching Erebos’s cold body, but she endured it and kept hugging. Erebos felt the shiver and set his body’s coldness at its weakest. This made Romana hug him much tighter.

BABOM! BABOM! BABOM! BABOM! BABOM! BABOM! BABOM! BABOM!

Erebos’s head was filled with the fast deep powerful pumps of Romana’s heart. It was getting less and less erratic as he stayed on her chest. Thanks to the moonlight, Erebos could see the freckles on Romana’s breasts. A grin crept on the young Nephosnian emperor’s face whilst his head shook from the force of Romana’s heartbeat.

“I see you’re not wearing a bra today. And I’m making you cold enough for the ‘pokes’ apparently,” Erebos chuckles hearing Romana’s heart pound even faster as she stammers. She stops trying to talk and gasps when Erebos hugs her by the waist and kisses her.

“E-Erebos!” Romana’s cheeks burn red when she felt her butt being squeezed.

“Sorry. Squeezing too hard?” Erebos asks.

“N-No! You just surprised me. You’re usually very hesitant to grope me. And you usually go for my ‘freckled Es’,” Romana blushes even more saying that. She at first hated how Erebos referred to her breasts like that. Why? She honestly does not know. She was embarrassed and anxious by it—embarrassed because of the chest freckles and freckles are a massive turn-off for most Gaians, and anxious about people, especially Ramona, knowing she’s a size E instead of C. Now, she embraces it somewhat.

“I’m not wearing the usual magical material suppressing my….sizes. I have a necklace doing that, and its batteries are dying,” Romana says and the owl necklace glows before evaporating. The necklace’s effect worn off and Romana quickly expanded to her true voluptuous figure with a startled gasp, now her clothes barely fit.

“Huh. Now you’re your true self. Well, almost,” Erebos fixes Romana’s hair as best he could. Romana giggles and makes Erebos feel her chest as they kiss again.

“I’m…..I think I’m in the mood to do that now,” Romana whispers and now it was Erebos’s turn to blush.

“I’m finally here, Romana! Is Erebos he-” Luxanne stops when she notices the couple kissing. Romana hides her face in embarrassment and Erebos chuckles at this.

“Uhhh hi, Erebos. I like your dreads.”

“Hey, Luxanne. That’s a nice curly afro you got.”

“Thanks, but this isn’t the do for me. I have to keep it like this for a few months because I lost a bet. Nice to see you two already reconciled.”

Romana separates herself from Erebos momentarily. Romana tries to calm her pounding heartbeat and crosses her arms to hide it. Luxanne grins at her, then her eyes widen a bit.

“Holy cow! How did you get so big?” Luxanne asks.

“Erm…. I always was this size, but I have hidden it from everyone. Showed it to Erebos when we officially became a couple,” Romana looks away as she says this.

“Damn, Erebos is lucky to you!” Luxanne comments.

“And I’m lucky to have him! N-Not the only well-endowed one here!” Romana notices what she said and covers her face.

“Oh yeah. Prince Erebos here is Njorzon’s descendant….. T-That means you too have those triple sixes! By Gaia…” Luxanne blushes and Erebos sighs to himself.

“I thought only Romana would be here,” Erebos says.

“I was here to be her support unnoticed by you, and also to apologize to you for those years ago. I rejected you out of fear of my parents disowning me. And I had to be cruel in my rejection so that you’d kill all feelings for me and maybe forget I even existed. I’m sorry for doing that,” Luxanne says.

“It’s alright. I understand why you did it. No parent would want their child, even those they don’t care for, being associated with a feared and hated pariah even if he is a prince. They certainly wouldn’t want them loving him either. Well, he’s the new emperor of Nephos now,” Erebos, pointing at the crown mostly obscured by his hair, smirks seeing the two Gaians’ shocked expression. Erebos snaps his fingers and something instantly appeared in his hand. The object of interest was a circlet Erebos puts on Romana’s head.

“I will be going now. I’m sure Aegon would be overwhelmed with the kids by now. It was nice seeing you again, Emperor Erebos! Wish you two the best!” Luxanne smiles and flies away, not wanting to intrude longer in Romana and Erebos’s moment together.

“Sorry, but I’m not ready anymore,” Romana laughs nervously. Erebos just grins and hugs Romana.

“Erebos?”

“Quid? (What?)”

“I love you.”

“Et te amo. (And I love you.)”

“Will your kids be fine with us being together again?”

“Whenever they return with their mother, we’ll talk it out with them. I’m sure they will forgive you when we explain everything. They’re understanding.”

“I’ll be very nervous about seeing them again. I fear Tenebrae will rip my head off or something.”

“She won’t. Hopefully.”

“What a way to calm my anxiety, you jerk! Hehehe…. C-Could you train me? I f-f-feel like getting into martial arts again.”

“Train you?”

“Please?”

“I’ll warn you, training with me is absolute hell.”

“I’ll endure it. I hope to finally be stronger than….this.”

“We’ll start in the morning in Nephos. For now let’s stargaze,” Erebos sits down with Romana on his lap as they stare at the moon, the sky, and the stars, silently enjoying each other’s company.

[natashasbanner]

The New Normal, Chapter 1

Adjusting to life after saving the world was easier said than done. It took time, but Macy was working on it, one step at a time.

Macy-centric, post season one AU.

A/N: So I was at a loss for something to write about a week ago and I had a vague idea and it turned into this. Exactly what this is, I'm still not sure but I thought I'd post it anyway. Please enjoy.

Also on AO3

X

Macy always liked the rain. She found it cleansing. It had been raining for days, an unrelenting downpour that pounded against the house and streamed from the roof in sheets. Maggie and Mel already voiced their displeasure with the dreary weather on multiple occasions, but Macy reveled in it. 

It was Saturday, and without work or any incident in the magical community that required their attention, Macy found herself on the balcony outside her room. She hadn’t been out there much since moving in, only stepping out once every couple weeks to water the plants their mother kept out here. There were empty pots sitting on the ledge and on the ground that Macy cleared of dead plants weeks ago and she was toying with the idea of growing some of the herbs they used for potions. If things kept up the way they were going, she might even be able to keep them alive for more than a few days. 

There hadn’t been much demon activity in Hilltowne since word got out in the magical world that Macy had taken on the Source. Not many demons wanted to tangle with the Charmed Ones right now. With Mel and Harry taking on the bulk of the work in dealing with the witches and other magical creatures that showed up at their doorstep and Maggie was focusing on her schoolwork, Macy had so much time.

So much time that in the last few months, more than once Macy wished for some sort of magical emergency to distract her from all of the time she had on her hands. It was horrible, she knew that but that didn’t stop the thought from creeping up on her when she was left alone. Which seemed to be more often than not. 

It was almost funny, really. They’d gone out of their way to make Macy feel more included, more secure in her place in the family. It had been too much too fast though and Macy pushed them away again, to give herself room to breathe. She appreciated everything Mel and Maggie tried to do, but all Macy wanted was space. Space to try and wrap her head around everything that happened in the last year, now that the immediate threat of the apocalypse was averted. If wrapping her head around everything was even possible. They’d gone through enough to last several lifetimes. 

In a span of less than twelve months her life had been turned upside down more times than she could count. Was there really any coming back from that? Some days she thought that if she shoved everything down and kept pushing forward, then she’d be okay. 

But with all the time and all the space, the only thing she could do was think. Think about her mother, about her dad, about her sisters and their new responsibilities, about Galvin. 

Thinking about Galvin always sent a sharp pang through her chest. At first the pain was too much and Macy felt like she couldn’t breathe whenever she thought of him. She learned to accept his decision, made peace with the fact that he chose to sacrifice himself for the greater good. Eventually the pain started to wan, leaving only a dull ache behind. An ache that Macy knew how to deal with. 

She blew out a breath as the rain started to pick up again, slanting into the balcony and splashing back at Macy’s feet. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. 

She’d have to go inside soon. If it wasn’t the rain, then the low grumbling in her stomach would require her attention, but she was reluctant to leave her spot. She’d woken up to the delicious smell of scones baking, but Maggie and Mel’s voices as they headed downstairs stopped her from getting out of bed. 

Macy reminded herself that she was the one that asked for space, but she wasn’t sure she wanted it anymore. The only problem was that she didn’t know how to bridge that gap with them again, bridge that gap with Harry. 

So there she sat, on the balcony in the rain. 

x

Shaking her head, she brought her hands up to cover her face, pressing her fingers into her eyes. 

Macy felt ridiculous. She was hiding outside to avoid her family, the family that fought through all of her altered realities to get her back. They promised they’d be there for her. Always, her brain supplied in Harry’s soft, yet firm voice. She remembered the warmth of their collective embrace, his cheek pressed against hers, he sisters pressed tightly between them. 

And still, she remained glued to the damp wicker bench, curled into herself. 

Harry’s voice repeated over and over in her head, “always,”. 

Thinking about Harry wasn’t something Macy let herself do often. Because if she let herself think about Harry, everything she’d heard in his thoughts came flooding back into her mind. The thoughts she was supposed to forget all of that so they could move forward without complicating their relationship. 

The damage was done though and Macy didn’t want to forget. She didn’t want to forget the overwhelming warmth that rushed into her the second he touched her arm. The raw emotion behind every word he unintentionally let her hear washed over her like a tidal wave, rolling and tumbling against the intoxicating power of the Source. 

And for an instant she felt like she could breathe, like she wasn’t going to lose herself and everything else to the power she’d absorbed. A single breath of air when she was drowning. 

But the Source fought back, caught her by the ankle and dragged her back into the abyss. Her insecurities and pain were thrust over her, crashing into her at an impossible rate, pulling her down as she helplessly tried to claw her way back to the surface. She fought like hell to find the surface again, to take one more breath, get one more glimpse of one of the best parts of her life, but it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t strong enough. 

Macy pushed him away, pushed them all away before they had the chance to leave her, and gave in to the power. 

She was supposed to forget and in a way she had. The words were lost in most of the finer details of everything that happened that day, but the feelings behind them were hard to let go. Instead she clung to them, held on to that moment when she couldn’t seek comfort from Harry himself or her sisters. 

Macy loved Harry, she knew that much. How could she not? He’d become their family. For her though, there was more than just a familial bond, one that had been there for a long time if she really thought about it. 

She was drawn to him, from the moment they met. Well maybe not the moment since he’d kidnapped her and her sisters and tied them to chairs in the attic, but very soon after. They were incredibly similar and someone more romantic might call them kindred spirits. 

But everything was so complicated. Macy couldn’t even begin to fathom a reality where a relationship, that was any more than what they had now, would not end catastrophically. And losing Harry too was more than she thought she could take. 

No, they were just finding their balance again, adding anything else to the mix was asking for trouble. 

X

Lightning flashed across the sky, but it was the thunder that shook Macy out of her thoughts. She blinked and her eyes landed on the puddle forming on the ledge. If she was going to grow those herbs, she’d have to figure out a way to divert the water to keep it from flooding her planters. She ran over the list of materials she’d need to get and which stores in town she could find them. 

Thinking about the herbs calmed her turbulent thoughts and the sound of the rain and thunder grounded her. She felt better than she had when she’d wandered outside, less on edge. 

Without the distraction though, the growling in her stomach became all the more apparent. She really needed to go downstairs and eat, maybe have a few cups of coffee. Her leg muscles protested when she moved to put her feet back on the ground, but she stood from the chair and stretched her arms over her head. 

Mel was in her room when she opened the door, setting a tray holding a plate of scones and a cup of tea on the trunk at the foot of her bed. 

“Hey,” Macy said, a little surprised. 

Mel straightened up and offered a small smile. “We thought you might be hungry,” she said, waving at the tray before shoving her hands in her pants pockets. “And I know how much you like Harry’s scones.” 

Macy smiled. “Thank you.” 

“It was nothing.” 

Macy walked over and sat down next to the tray, peeking into the tea cup. Just the way she liked it. She bit her bottom lip and picked up one of the scones. Still warm. 

She looked up and saw Mel hovering, shifting from foot to foot. She had a look on her face, like she wanted to say something, but was holding back. They did that a lot these days and usually Macy would tell them she was fine so they’d drop it. But it was time to bridge that gap. 

“What are you doing today?” she asked, tearing off a piece of the scone and popping it into her mouth. 

“I uh, nothing,” Mel said, her eyes betraying her surprise. “Not until later tonight.”

Macy finished chewing and shrugged her shoulders, tearing another piece of the scone. “I was thinking about going shopping, some company would be nice. Since you’re not busy.” 

Mel’s eyebrows shot up. “Really?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’d like that,” Mel said softly, a small smile tugging at her lips. “Maggie should be back from Kappa in a few hours, if you don’t mind waiting?” 

Macy returned her smile. “I’ll text her.” 

“Okay,” Mel nodded jerkily. 

“Okay,” Macy repeated.

Mel lingered for a beat longer before turning on her heel and heading for the door. Macy watched her go, the urge to call her back bubbling in her chest. She didn’t know what she was going to say, but she wanted her to stay. Just a little bit longer. 

“Mel?” 

She turned around, her hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?” 

“Uh, I um,” Macy stuttered under Mel’s expectant gaze. “Uh, thanks for bringing this up for me. I really appreciate it.” 

“You’d do the same for me,” Mel said, not a shred of doubt in her tone. 

Macy swallowed and nodded, dropping her eyes to the tray. She waited for the door to open and close again before she let out a long breath. 

Bridging the gap, one step at a time.

[descensummichael]

My Heroine (Michael Langdon x fem!OC)—xii. you never got to heaven but you got real close

This part is really long, lots of sass and obvious tension. I’m really just trying to figure out how to get from point A to B and I basically wrote this in a couple hours so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Thanks for reading! x (click here for the list of all chapters if you need to catch up!)

"Where are we going?" Michael's eyes were wide, trying to match the pace his feet were going to Arella's. Her grip was tight on his arm, unrelenting as she practically dragged him down the sidewalk to the side of the building where her car was parked.

She stopped at the passenger's side, pressing the button on her keys to unlock the door.

"Back to my place," she responded. Finally releasing his arm, she pulled the door open, motioning to it. "Well, get in."

He watched her as she pushed her sunglasses down over her eyes. "Arella-"

She sighed, cutting him off. "Just do it."

Pulling on the handle of the sleek black car, he obliged, smirking as she went around the car and got in the other side. She started the car, noticing the look on his face.

"What's so amusing?" She asked, putting the car in reverse before backing out of the lot. Her grip was tight on the steering wheel, and she could feel the heat rising in her cheeks. He was frustrating her to no end, but she was trying to swallow it. Michael would not get the best of her; she would not allow it.

He shrugged, the smile still playing on his lips as he met her gaze through the tinted lenses of her shades. "You're going on about needing to gain your trust, yet you're allowing me to get into your car with you to your house, no less."

Exhaling loudly, she shifted into drive before speeding out onto the street. "Not like you don't already know where I live, Michael."

He chuckled, throwing his one leg over the other and resting his foot against the dashboard. "You seriously still think that was me? And here I thought you were highly intuitive."

Although their interactions had been limited, he was knowledgeable of the ways to get under her skin. And he knew just how to push it as far as possible. "I'm not playing any more fucking games, Michael," she hissed, pushing at his knee. "And get your dirty shoes off my dash."

His tongue flickered across his lips, trying to ignore the fire that ignited inside of him at even the slightest touch from her. Upon dropping his foot to the floor mat, he dramatically brushed his hand against the spot where it was previously resting. "My apologies, Arella. Daddy's Mercedes?"

Unfortunately for him, she was learning his intentions and was most definitely capable of shoving back.

She rolled her eyes. "Mine, thank you very much." Pressing hard onto the brake, she watched as he flew forward, groaning as he made contact with the hard surface before him. "And put on your seatbelt."

                                                   ❦❦❦

They arrived at Arella's house without any other incidents, as Michael quickly shut his mouth, and she played the radio so loud that she wouldn't hear him if he opened it again, anyways. Upon unlocking the door, she kicked her boots off, motioning for him to do the same.

Sighing, she waved her hand, turning the lights on before plopping down on the couch in the sitting area. Looking up, she expected to see him following, but found he was still standing at the door, eyes wide as he stared at her.

"What?" She questioned him, her fingers moving again to lock the door behind him. "It's a bit superfluous, isn't it? I always wanted to be just like Matilda, so I'm always playing around with it when I can."

His brows furrowed, confused. "Matilda?"

"Oh, don't tell me you haven't seen that movie. The little girl with extraordinary intelligence and telekinetic abilities?"

He shook his head. "I-"

She cut him off. "Unbelievable. Anyways, are you thirsty? I can get you a drink." She held her palm out in front of her, the door of the mini-fridge on the other side of the room opening.

"How-" he shook his head for a second time, incredulous. "How are you doing that?"

She eyed him, trying to find a hint of derision in his features, but he seemed genuinely lost. "I'm a witch? Are you really trying to tell me you're not a warlock?"

"Warlock?" He questioned her. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on," she wouldn't let him make a mockery of her any longer. "I've been thinking of how you could have possibly figured out where I lived. How you learned about the lilies, the supposed rebirth... It's the only thing that makes sense."

He took a hesitant step toward her. His head was already reeling at the revelations coming from her mouth. "Arella, I didn't-"

"It also explains why it was impossible to decipher your energies at the church. How you were able to get into my head and my dreams-"

"Your dreams?" He couldn't stop the corners of his mouth from pulling up a bit at this.

"Stop trying to divert the focus," she put a hand on her forehead, realizing she may have said too much. "The point is, Michael, I know who you are. Or perhaps more importantly, what you are."

He exhaled audibly, sitting down beside her. "I really don't know how else to say this, but I had nothing to do with what showed up at your house today. I have honestly no idea what you're saying anymore."

"Ugh," she groaned, throwing her head back against the couch. "We're still playing oblivious, I guess."

Peering down, she noticed he had kicked his feet up on the coffee table. She rolled her eyes, pressing her socked foot against his leg. "Stop putting your feet on my things."

He chuckled, sitting up so his feet were on the floor. "Sorry. As serious as you are about this all, there's no denying how divine you look when you're angry."

He paused, opening and closing his mouth before tearing his gaze off hers, fixing it on the crucifix hanging on the wall instead. The sight of it only caused his head to swim even more to the point where he felt he was drowning. Squeezing his burning eyes shut, he tried his best to focus. "Anyways, barring the fact that you think it was me who did this, it is bizarre that whoever did wanted it to appear as though I was involved," he spoke quickly, his eyes moving back to her to examine her reaction to his words. He was met with what seemed to be indifference, much to his relief.

"Everything has been strange since you showed up in my life, Michael," she spat, running a hand through her hair.

"Likewise, Arella," he leaned forward, capturing her eyes with his.

"What do you want from me?" She questioned him, nearly pleading. She was quickly growing tired of the back and forth, and all she wanted was a straightforward answer.

He sighed, sitting back. "I don't know, okay? I don't know. This all makes as much sense to me as it does to you. Maybe even less, given the whole witch thing."

"You still haven't convinced me that we aren't cut from the same cloth," she played with the rings on her fingers, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze.

He couldn't help but laugh. "Sure. I'm going to fly home on my broomstick and make some potions."

"Right," she tried her hardest not to react outwardly, digging her nails into the palms of her hands instead. "Since you have no involvement in this, who do you propose did it, and why?"

He shrugged. "No idea. How about we talk about it after you tell me about the dreams you've had?"

"Michael, I swear to god," she groaned, putting her face in her hands.

He was grinning widely. "Fine. Maybe next time, Matilda."

Her irises were aglow as they burned into him. "It's nothing like that."

It's entirely like that, a voice clawed at the back of her brain. Those thoughts were creeping back in now, and she still couldn't help but think Michael had something to do with it as he continued eyeing her.

"I believe you," he responded, though he didn't in the slightest.

Because while he'd never admit it, the visions had come to him as well.

[fortheheavenssake]

💜💜 PG MM Anon(II) 💜💜 Interpretation Collection - 6

36. June 03

MM ANON …… 2020 another royal baby ………… development in Portugal ……… more charges eminent Minnesota ……… a wet summer ………… ISS a strange smell? ……… … London protests …………NAACP……… size 12 , and the shoes 👠 ……………” mummy , mummy- goes viral ………” we’ll old thing, I wasn’t expecting that ending “……… “ so enjoyable Philip ‘ anymore Sydney?……… “ I think Catherine has Peaky-Blinders ma’am” …… “ is it a bit GBH ? “ ……… “ yes ma’am”……… “Ohhhh goody”.

Thank you😊❤️❤️❤️❤️

*Entertainment purposes

💜💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻☺️☺️THANK YOU MM ANON☺️☺️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜💜

JUNE 3/2020. RIDDLE#36

KIDS I WAS AHEAD ONE NUMBER IN THE RIDDLE THANKS TO @fortheheavenssake WHO KEEPS ME ORGANIZED. SO YOU WILL SEE #36 AGAIN TODAY AS IT IS THE CORRECT NUMBER OF RIDDLE

2020 another royal baby

AS I HAVE BEEN POSTULATING SINCE LAST NOVEMBER 🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 I FULLY BELIEVE CATHERINE IS PREGNANT, AND LOCKDOWN WAS PERFECT TIME TO DEAL WITH HER HG SYMPTOMS AND APPEAR ON CAMERA NECK UP, SO NO BABY BUMP TO BE NOTICED OR HIDDEN. ALSO WE HAVE PRINCESS EUGENIE, ALTHOUGH TECHNICALLY THE BABY WOULD NOT HAVE A ROYAL STATUS. ZARA IS NOT TITLED SO HER CHILDREN TECHNICALLY ARE NOT ROYAL. DEPENDS HOW LOOSELY USED THE TERM, ROYAL IS. FOR MY PART I WOULD BE TRIPLE EXCITED IF THEY ALL HAD LITTLE ONES!!

………… development in Portugal ………

HUGE BREAKING NEWS IN THE 13YEAR OLD UNRELENTING PURSUIT BY THE MCCANNS AND THE POLICE TO FIND DEAR LITTLE MADELEINE, WHO VANISHED FROM THEIR VACATION ROOM IN PORTUGAL ONE EVENING. YOU ALL KNOW THE STORY. I HAVE FOLLOWED THIS CLOSELY FOR YEARS🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻. THE MCCANNS HAVE BEEN TO HELL AND BACK AGAIN, SO THEY HAVE. TODAY THE REVELATION THAT A MALE GERMAN NATIONAL, CURRENTLY INCARCERATED IN GERMANY, IS A MAIN SUSPECT. GOD PLEASE LET HER BE ALIVE BUT EITHER WAY PLEASE THE MCCANNS NEED TO KNOW WHERE THEIR GIRL IS, SHE WOULD BE 17 NOW .

more charges eminent Minnesota ………

THEY HAVE ANNOUNCED NEW CHARGES AGAINST THE OFFICERS WHO MURDERED MR. GEORGE FLOYD. UPGRADED FROM 3RD DEGREE TO 2ND MURDER AGAINST THE MAIN OFFICER WHO KEPT HIS KNEE ON HIS NECK. THE OTHER THREE ARE CHARGED WITH ACCESSORY TO MURDER. AS OF NOW AS I KNOW, ONE IS IN CUSTODY, THE OTHER TWO WILL SOON BE. ESPECIALLY DAMNING, ONE OF THE OFFICERS IN THE VIDEO TRIED TO VERBALLY SAY, HEY EASE UP OR SOMETHING SIMILAR.

a wet summer …………

BEER IS SOON TO BE FLOWING AGAIN IN U.K. BARS. THE BREWERIES IN THE U.K. ARE FILLING MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF KEGS IN ANTICIPATION OF BARS REOPENING. THE NORMAL DRUNK PHOTOS IN THE DM EACH WEEKEND WERE BAD ENOUGH. AFTER MONTHS OF NOT GOING OUT , OH IT IS GOING TO BE ONE MASSIVE BENDER.🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂. NO MORE DRY WEEKENDS.

ISS a strange smell? ……… …

I DO NOT THINK ITS SMELL AS IN SCENT, BUT SMELL AS IN SOMETHING IS OFF. THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION HAS BEEN DOCKED A FEW DAYS AGO. THE DOCKING HAPPENED OVER CHINA. THEY ARE SAYING THIS WAS A TECHNOLOGICAL ISSUE NOT POLITICAL. I SOMEHOW DO NOT THINK CHINA AGREES. I DO NOT THINK THEY APPRECIATE HAVING THAT SHOVED IN THEIR FACE, BUT IT WAS NOT DONE PURPOSEFULLY. THATS THEIR STORY AND THEY’RE STICKING TO IT, TO QUOTE SONG LYRICS🤣🤣🤣😂😂.

London protests …………NAACP………

NAACP, IN AMERICA, IS THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF COLOURED PEOPLE. THIS ORGANIZATION HAS BEEN VERY ACTIVE IN CIVIL RIGHTS IN AMERICA ESPECIALLY IN THE 1969’S THINGS REALLY BECAME NATIONAL. STILL VERY ACTIVE ARE NUMEROUS SIMILAR ORGANIZATIONS. THIS HORRIFIC MURDER HAS BROUGHT PROTESTS WORLDWIDE. THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS IN HYDE PARK TODAY IN LONDON. HEADS TOGETHER HAS COME OUT IN SUPPORT OF BLM, BLACK LIVES MATTER. NO JUSTICE NO PEACE, YOU OFTEN HEAR SAID.

size 12 , and the shoes 👠 ……………” mummy , mummy- goes viral ……

I CAN SEE CATHERINE PLANNING OUTFITS AS LOCKDOWN IS PHASING DOWN OR IS UP THE RIGHT WORD? EITHER WAY SHE NEEDS TO PLAN A FULL LENGTH WARDROBE FOR WHEN ENGAGEMENTS RESUME. EVENTWO YEARS PREGNANT SHE IS NOT A SIZE 12? BUT NO WAY NO HOW IS SHE OR HER FEET A SIZE 12.

SEEING THAT RED SHOE REMINDS ME OF THE ARTICLE , TODAY OR WAS IT YESTERDAY, HMTQ’S SHOES FOR HER CORONATION. SHE HAD ACTUAL RUBY SLIPPERS. GOLD SHOES AND HEELS COVERED IN RUBIES. THE FRENCH SHOE COMPAN6 HAS PARTNERED WITH ANOTHER COMPANY AND RELEASED A COLLECTOR SHOE GOLD, RED AND BLACK I THINK. RHINESTONES OR SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS NO RUBIES.

TIK TOK IS ANNOYING, PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHIES🤣🤣😂😂😂. THE “SONG” MUMMY MUMMY, TO CALL IT A SONG, I INSULT MUSICAL ARTISTS🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂. ALL OVER TIK TOK AND YOUTUBE ENDLESSLY. I THINK I COULD TOLERATE IT, IF AND ONLY IF , ALL THREE CAMBRIDGE CHILDREN DID IT😁😁😁😁.

…” we’ll old thing, I wasn’t expecting that ending “……… “ so enjoyable Philip ‘ anymore Sydney?……… “ I think Catherine has Peaky-Blinders ma’am” …… “ is it a bit GBH ? “ ……… “ yes ma’am”……… “Ohhhh goody”.

BACK TO THE SITTING ROOM AT WINDSOR CASTLE. SOUNDS LIKE THEY FINISHED BINGE WATCHING THE SOPRANOS BECAUSE NOBODY, N O B O D Y EXPECTED THAT STUPID ENDING. HOWEVER THE SERIES WAS AWESOME AND THEY ENJOYED. HMTQ ASKING SYDNEY IF HE HAS ANYMORE DVD SETS. CATHERINE HAS PEAKY BLINDERS ON DVD THEY WILL LIKE THAT. BRITISH DRAMA ABOUT A REAL LIFE GANG IN THE EARLY PART OF THE 20TH CENTURY. HMTQ IS ASKING IF ITS FUNNY IE GOOD BRITISH HUMOUR OR GREAT 🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂. GOOD RESULTS. DRINKS SYDNEY, MM ANON FORGOT TO ADD COCKTAILS SO ITS MY JOB TO MAKE SURE THEY HAVE THEIR DRINKS😁😁😁

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

—————

37. June 4

MM ANON ……MM heartfelt acting……… W&K just heartfelt 💓………… the Tatler connection ………… 🎼stormy weather …………… 🎼………… MadDog…………2nd degree. X 4……………… 14 days to binge. ……… a Russian contamination …………vaccine summit ……… ”that’s a terrible selfie Philip, it’ll frighten her” ………” let Sydney do it!! “ ……… “take one together ma’am” ……… “ give me the bloody thing !! “ …… bloody tic-toc “ ………… “ one zooms” ……… “get him some refreshments Sydney”

*Entertainment purposes

💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊THANK YOU DEAR MM ANON😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜

JUNE 4/2020. RIDDLE#37

MM ANON ……MM heartfelt acting……… W&K just heartfelt💓………… the Tatler connection ………… 🎼stormy weather …………… 🎼………… MadDog…………2nd degree. X 4……………… 14 days to binge. ……… a Russian contamination …………vaccine summit ……… ”that’s a terrible selfie Philip, it’ll frighten her” ………” let Sydney do it!! “ ……… “take one together ma’am” ……… “ give me the bloody thing !! “ …… bloody tic-toc “ ………… “ one zooms” ……… “get him some refreshments Sydney”

*Entertainment purposes

MM heartfelt acting……… W&K just heartfelt 💓…………

UNTIL NOW, THE WOKE, ACTIVIST HUMANITARIAN HAS REMAINED SILENT ABOUT A POLICE MURDER OF AN UNARMED BLACK MAN IN HER OWN COUNTRY. ISSUES SHE HAS CLAIMED TO CHAMPION AND CLUNG TO FOR SYMPATHY FROM HER SUGARS AND USED AS AN EXCUSE AGAINST HER UNFAIR TREATMENT , AS SHE PERCEIVED IT TO BE, BY THE U.K. MEDIA, PEOPLE ETC ETC. THE WORLD BY THE HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS, DESPITE A PANDEMIC, HAVE TAKEN TO THE STREETS TO MARCH. ALONG WITH SOME BAD ACTORS WHO LOOT CAUSE VIOLENCE ARE NOT THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. TODAY, IN A VIDEO TO THE GRADUATING CLASS OF HER FORMER SCHOOL, SHE FINALLY COMMENTED. “The only wrong thing to say is to say nothing.” STOLEN VERSION OF THE MUCH ACCLAIMED LINE, EVIL FLOURISHES WHEN GOOD MEN STAND BY AND DO NOTHING. THE ORIGIN OF THIS HAS MULTIPLE ATTRIBUTIONS . WOW YOU CAN JUST FEEL HER PASSION FOR THIS ISSUE EH? NOT NOT NOT . WHAT A HYPOCRITE.

THE DUKE AND DUCHESS OF CAMBRIDGE HAVE SPOKEN OIT VIA THEIR HEADS TOGETHER PLATFORM PUTTING THE FULL SUPPORT OF BLM, BLACK LIVES MATTER. THIS IS A MASSIVE ORGANIZATION AND HUGE SUPPORT FOR BLM.

the Tatler connection

ALL ROADS LEAD TO ROME IS THE SAYING AS IS WE ARE ALL SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION FROM EACH OTHER. HERE WE HAVE THE GARBAGE MAGAZINE ,TATLER. MADAMS BESTIE JM SISTER VM HAS WORKED AT THE RAG AND HAS LOTS OF CONNECTIONS THERE. THAT IS ONLY TWO OR THREE DEGREES OF SEPARATION FROM CATHERINE, DEPENDING HOW YOU DO THE MATH. IT IS NOT HARD TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER AND FIGURE OUT THE GENESIS OF THESE AND SO MANY OTHER LIES ABOUT OUR BELOVED CAMBRIDGES. FURIOUS IS HOW I FEEL. USING CHILDREN, HOW LOW AND EVIL.!!

🎼stormy weather …………… 🎼…………

PORGY AND BESS, CLASSIC BREAKTHROUGH PLAY AND FILM , FROM THE 1940’S. IT WAS GROUNDBREAKING , WITH AN ENTIRE BLACK CAST AND AMAZING MUSIC SUCH IS THE CLASSIC SONG, STORMY WEATHER. THE LYRICS ARE A WOMAN BEMOANING THE FACTS THAT SHE SND HER MAN ARE NOT TOGETHER AND THE SONG STORMY WEATHER AS A METAPHOR FOR THE DIRECTION THEIR LIVES HAVE TAKEN. THE MARVELLOUS LENA HORNE, FABULOUS. WE ARE IN THE STORMIEST OF STORMY WEATHER IN 2020. THE CHAOS, VOLATILITY, AND GRACIOUS, WILL COVID-19 SPIKE IN TWO WEEKS TIME AFTER EXPOSURE BY INNUMERABLE PEOPLE PROTESTING HUDDLED TOGETHER.

THE FORMER HEAD OF MI6, ALONG WITH ANOTHER RESEARCHER. HOW I WISH I COULD RECALL THEIR NANES BUT I READ IT DURING THE NIGHT . THEY OPINED THAT THIS VIRUS HAS ADDED DNA CHAINS THAT POI NT TO IT BEING A. MANMADE VIRUS. POSTULATING, IT WAS ACCIDENTALLY LET OUT BY BREAK IN PROCEDURE OR WHATEVER REASON IN WUHAN CHINA. OF NOTE, THE ONLY LEVEL FOUR LAB IN CHINA, IS IN WUHAN. THERE ARE MANY SUCH LABS WORLDWIDE. THEY KEEP SAMPLES OF ALL THE VIRUSES, BACTERIA KNOWN TO EXIST. LEVEL FOUR BEING THE MOST DANGEROUS ONES AND LETHAL ONES. LOTS OF RESEARCH GOES ON. I LIVE NEAR ONE.

MadDog…………2nd degree. X 4………………

MADDOG, HOW HE HATES AND ABHORS THAT NICKNAME. POTUS KEPT USING THAT NICKNAME BEFORE AND AFTER APPOINTING HIM SECDEF. GENERAL MATTHIAS WES SECDEF (SECRETARY OF DEFENSE) UNDER POTUS UNTIL HE RESIGNED. HE STATED HE WOULD NEVER MAKE A PUBLIC STATEMENT ABOUT POTUS EVER. WELL THAT CHANGED THIS WEEK AFTER GOVERNMENT OFFICERS, NATIONAL GUARD, AND A GENERAL IN FULL MILITARY FATIGUES WALKED WITH POTUS IN A NON MILITARY ZONE. VARIOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCIES, NATIONAL GUARD, SECRET SERVICE, LAW ENFORCEMENT AND OTHERS CLEARED THE PEACEFUL PROTESTORS AWAY, SO POTUS AND OTHERS COULD WALK TO THE CHURCH THAT HAD BEEN ON FIRE MONDAY NIGHT. IT WAS CALLED A PHOTO OP BY SOME AND AGAINST THEIR RIGHTS TO PEACEFUL PROTEST, I THINK THATS THE FOURTH AMENDMENT RIGHT.

ALL FOUR OFFICERS HAVE BEEN CHARGED, BOOKED AND IN CUSTODY ON A MILLION DOLLAR BOND EACH ONE. MURDER TWO FOR THE KNEE ON NECK OFFICER, THE OTHER THREE AIDING AND ABETTING MURDER. I AM NOT TYPING THEIR NAME ON PURPOSE.

14 days to binge. ………

ODD ODD ODD, NEW LAW WILL COME INTO EFFECT IN THE U.K., THOSE ENTERING THE U.K. WILL HAVE TO SELF ISOLATE FOR FOURTEEN DAYS, HOWEVER, IT IS MY UNDERSTANDING THEY CAN GOLF AND DO STUFF LIKE THAT. UNLESS I MISREAD THE ARTICLE YESTERDAY.

I THINK THIS IS MORESO THE COUNTDOWN IS ON FOR A MASSIVE BENDER WHEN THE BARS OPEN AND PEOPLE CAN BINGE OF FOOD AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DRINK. I CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE PHOTOS. THE DM WILL RUN. PAPER SAYING BREWERIES AIMING TO HAVE 250,000,000 YES MILLION PINTS DELIVERED IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS!!!

a Russian contamination …………

MOSCOWS MAYOR ANNOUNCED TODAY SOME THINGS ARE REOPENING, NON FOOD STORES SND SOME OTHER BUSINESSES ARE BEING ALLOWED TO REOPEN ALONG WITH BEGINNING TO USE PARKS AND OUTDOOR SPACES AS WELL.

RUSSIA Is ALSO STARTING A NEW DRUG TO TREAT THE VIRUS , CALLED AVIFAVIR, NEXT WEEK. IT IS BEING HERALDED AS A “GAME CHANGER”.

THERE ARE ARTICLES CLAIMING THAT RUSSIA, LIKE CHINA US NIT REPORTING ACCURATE NUMBERS TO THE WHO.

vaccine summit ………

THE VIRTUAL G7 YOUTH SUMMIT IS BEING HELD NOW, JUNE 3-5/2020, ONE YOUNG WORLD. ALL SORTS OF DISCUSSIONS THERE ON THIS ISSUE AND OTHERS.

THERE ARE SO MANY ANTI-VACCERS. LOOK AT KAT VON D. SHE HAD A MASSIVE CONTRACT WITH SEPHORA FOR A MAKEUP LINE. IT WAS HUGELY MASSIVELY POPULAR. IF YOU DONT KNOW, KAT VON D HAD A PART ABD THEN HER OWN REALITY SHOW ABOUT HER TATTOO SHOP. SHE IS TATTED HEAD TO TOE. ANYHOW SHE HAD A BABY, THEN ON HER SOCIAL MEDIA SHE CAME OUT HARD AS AN ANTIVACCER. HER FANS REACTED WILDLY GIVING HER THE NAME KAT VON DISEASE. SALES PLUMMETED. SHE IS NO LONG WITH SEPHORA. THE LINE IS THERE BUT ITS CALLED KVD VEGAN BUT SHE GETS NO MONEY.

”that’s a terrible selfie Philip, it’ll frighten her” ………” let Sydney do it!! “ ……… “take one together ma’am” ……… “ give me the bloody thing !! “ …… bloody tic-toc “ ………… “ one zooms” ……… “get him some refreshments Sydney”

AGAIN FAVOURITE PART OF THE RIDDLES, WE GET A PEAK INTO THE SITTING ROOM AT WC, WINDSOR CASTLE. OH MY. HIMSELF US FIDDLING WITH EMOJIS, TIK TOK, FACES, ADDONS THINGAMAJIGGIES, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THEY ARE CALLED🤣🤣🤣😂😂. I AM NOT TECHNOLOGICALLY “WOKE”🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂🤪🤪🤪🤪. CAN YOU ENVISION THIS, HIMSELF TAKING SELFIES AND MAKING FACES🥳🥳🥳😄😄🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂. HMTQ IS NOT HAVING THAT AND WANTS EVER PATIENT SYDNEY TO TAKE THE PHOTOS. HE SUGGESTS A CANDID PHOTO IF THE COUPLE TOGETHER IN THEIR CHILLING OUT CLOTHES WHILE BINGE WATCHING DVDS 📀. HIMSELF IS MUTTERING, FIDDLING WITH TIK TOK, MUMBLING ABOUT ZOOM MEETINGS THAT TECHNOLOGY. LAMENTING ALL THE NEW WAYS OF CONNECTING THAT HAVE BECOME SO VALUED DURING OUR LOCKDOWN. AFTER ALL THIS, THEY NEED THEIR COCKTAILS. HMTQ THINKS HIMSELF NEEDS A WEE BEVVIE TO CHILL OUT. THE USUAL BODDINGTONS FOR HIM, GIN AND DuBONNET FOR HMTQ 🍺 🍸, CHEERS .☺️☺️😊😊😊☺️☺️

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

—————-

38. June 6

MM ANON …… never look a gift bandwagon in the mouth…… everyone is crawling out the woodwork ……… “I’m covert 19 , fly me” ……… M&H on the March??? ………… over 40,000………… flight attendant/ ……… the dodgy R…………… mandatory masks ………… The Amazon too ??? ………… online celebrity … “ There here Philip “ …………” one has to distance darlings “ …… “ yes there lovely shoes” ……… “ look Philip, live tic-toc “………” it’s wonderful wonderful “ ………… “amazing, he’s shot up “ ………” shall we have a little refreshments?”

*Entertainment purposes

💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊THANK YOU MM ANON😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜

June 6/2020

RIDDLE FROM JUNE 5/2020. RIDDLE #38

SO SORRY I WAS NOT AROUND YESTERDAY I HAVE BEEN SO EXHAUSTED, SO HERE IT IS.

… never look a gift bandwagon in the mouth

EVERY POSSIBLE COMPANY, AGENCY, WHATEVER YOU WANTTO CALL IT, HAS HOPPED ONTO THE BLM, BANDWAGON. ONLY WORD USED TO , IN OLDEN DAYS WHEN SALESMEN WENT TOWN TO TOWN THEY WOULD HAVE MUSIC TO ANNOUNCE THEIR ARRIVAL IN TOWN. NOW, IT IS SIMPLY A CURRENT HOT BUTTON ISSUE MANY JOIN IN SINCERE BELIEF BUT OFTEN OTHERS AND CORPORATIONS DO IT, SIMPLY TO GET PR AND HOPEFULLY GOOD PR. MAKE THEM LOOK ALL HIP, SHINY AND MODERN.

WELL MADAM BIDED HER TIME, OH YOU CLEVER THING RACHEL. YOU WAITED UNTIL PEOPLE WERE ASKING WHY SHE WAS SILENT AND AFTER MOST BIG CELEBS HAD SPOKEN OUT. THEN BAM! OUT COMES HER VIDEO. I COULD NOT STOMACHE WATCHING ITS ENTIRETY. I WILL NOT GO ON ABOUT IT BUT SUFFICE TO SAY, MORE 🗑GARBAGE.AND LIES.

everyone is crawling out the woodwork ………

THIS SAYING MEANS A HUGE PUBLIC ISSUES AND EVERYONE WANTS THEIR FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME BACK. PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT RELEVANT OR ONCE WERE, ARE LIKE ROACHES CRAWLING OUT IN THE DARK TO ADD THEIR UNASKED FOR OR UNNEEDED OPINION. THIS HAPPENS EVERYTIME THERE IS A BIG PUBLIC ISSUE.

“I’m covert 19 , fly me” ……… flight attendant/

COVERT19, NOT COVID-19. SOMEONE IS FLYING AN AIRLINE WITH SYMPTOMS BUT NOT TRUTHFUL ABOUT. IS THIS PUBLIC? I KNOW WHEN THINGS FURST STARTED MANY PEOPLE LIED ABOUT WHERE THEY HAD BEEN, HOW THEY WERE FEELING.MANY PEOPLE BUCKED THE FOURTEEN DAYS QUARANTINE. I HEARD OF A WEDDING , FROM ONE OF MY FRIENDS. THEY HAD 250 THERE IN THEIR FARMYARD. I GUESS SOMEONE CALLED LAW ENFORCEMENT.EVERY ONE OF THOSE 250 PEOPLE RECEIVED A $1,000.00 FINE. QUART MILLION DOLLAR WEDDING. I WONDER IF IT WAS WORTH IT. AS WELL. KIDS YOU KNOW I USE THAT WORD COVERT ALOT DESCRIBING HARRYS MISSION AS OVERT COVERT.

QUICK GOOGLE SEARCH BRINGS THIS, NOT SURE IF ITS RELEVANT , BUT , INSAW THE CLUE FLIGHT ATTENDANT/FURTHER DOWN SO I SHALL COMBINE. PLUS ITS A MARVELLOUS FEEL GOOD STORY. THE CEO OF AA, AMERICAN AIRLINES,IS FLYING COMPETITOR AIRLINE SOUTHWEST, WHICH IS GREAT BY THE WAY, IN MY PAST EXPERIENCE. ANYHOW HE WAS READING A BOOK WHICH CAUGHT THE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS ATTENTION, CALLED WHITE FRAGILITY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT IS BLACK.CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THE CURRENT APPROPRIATE WORD TO USE, IS IT BLACK OR AFRICAN AMERICAN. MANY POC ARE FROM PLACES OTHER THAN AFRICA. MY FAMILY MEMBERS SOME ARE FROM ST. LUCIA. ANYHOW PLEASE LET ME KNOW. ANYHOW THIS EVENT WAS MADE PUBLIC AND TURNED INTO A REALLY BEAUTIFUL MOMENT AND CONVERSATION ABOUT THE ISSUES PEOPLE ARE MARCHING ABOUT.

M&H on the March??? …………

ALL THESE VARIOUS SCHEDULED MARCHES ARE TO CONTINUE WHICH MEANS UNSCHEDULED ONES WILL AS WELL. ARE MADAM AND FAIRY GOING TO MARCH? SERIOUSLY, RACHEL, THIS WOULD REQUIRE ACTUAL WALKING AND POSSIBLY THE UNCLEAN GENERAL PUBLIC. BRUSHING UP AGAINST YOUR NON ROYAL BODY. MAYBE THEY WILL SPONSOR OR TAKE PART IN A VIRTUAL WALK WITH USING ARCHIES SAFETY AND HEALTH AS AN EXCUSE. DONT WANT HIM GETTING COVID NOR FAIRRY, SINCE HE IS IN LINE IF SUCCESSION TO A HOLLYWOOD ACTORS WITH GINGER HAIR CROWN.🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

over 40,000…………

IS THIS THE NUMBER OF THE CROWN THAT PROTESTED IN LONDON HYDE PARK?

the dodgy R……………

BIG HEADLINE ON THURSDAYS DM , LATE IN THE DATE WAS THE DIFFERENCE IN R RATE IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE U.K. IT IS ABOVE 1 IN THE NORTH WEST AND SOUTH WEST. ONE WONDERS WHAT IT WILL BE AFTER ALL THESE MARCHES. WILL IT INCREASE, DECREASE OR WHO KNOWS? HOW RELIABLE IS THIS IS ANYWAYS. SEEMS THINGS CHANGE ALL THE TIME, DONE TO EARLY OR TOO LATE AND IN WAYS NOT MAKING SENSE.

mandatory masks …………

THIS HAS BEEN BANDIED ABOUT. VARIOUS PLACES ARE REQUIRING MANDATORY MASKS TO BE WORN OR YOU CANNOT SHOP OR USE THAT FACILITY. SOME ARE ADDING TEMP CHECKS AND HAND SANITIZER TOO. MASKS MANDTORY FOR ALL IN HOSPITALS IN THE U.K. AFTER TO CREST HAS PASSED. WHY START THIS NOW?

The Amazon too ??? …………

IS THIS THE ACTUAL AMAZON, OR AMAZON WHERE WE ALL SHOP. I THINK SINCE MM ANON USED THE QUALIFIER THE, SHE IS REFERRING TO THE JUNGLE RAINFOREST. WITH THE CEASING OF SO MUCH INDUSTRY DURING LOCKDOWN, THERE HAVE BEEN AMAZING DARE INSAY MIRACULOUS EFFECTS ON THE WORKD ENVIRONMENT. IT IS NOT ALL WINE AND ROSES THERE. AMONGST INDIGENOUS BRAZILIANS COVID INFECTION RATES ARE SOARING, WHIKE THE PANDEMIC LOCKDOWN IS BRINGING ABOUT MASSIVE INCREASES IN DEFORESTATION. TRULY IS AN ECONOMIC BOOM AND A LOOMING MASSIVE DEATH TOLL. THERE CERTAINLY IS NOT MUCH IN THE NEWS ABOUT THIS THAT I HAVE SEEN, CBC OR BBC WORLD.

ABOUT AMAZON THE COMPANY, THERE HAS BEEN A WHISTLEBLOWER IN ONTARIO WHO HAS BLOW THE LID ON UNSAFE WORKING CONDITION DURING COVID. STATING WORKERS WERE NIT NOTIFIED OF OTHER CO WORKERS HAVING COVID , PUTTING THEM AND THEUR FAMILIES AT RISK .

AUTHOR ALESX BERENSON HAS WRITTEN A BOOKLET FOR KINDKE READERS ABOUT THOUGHTS ON THE HANDLING IF COVID-19. AMAZON REMOVED IT FROM PUBLISHING. NEVER ONE TO NOT WADE IN ON ANY ISSUE EVER, ELON MUSK, YES THE ONE AND THE SAME, ROCKET BILLIONAIRE, CALLED OUT BEZOS ON THIS WHO SAID ITVWA REMOVED IN ERROR, OH OKAY THEN. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, MOVE RIGHT ALONG FOLKS. MUSK IS NOT MOVING ON,IN FACT IS CALLING FOR THE BREAKUP OF AMAZON. JEFF BEZOS. HAS BEEN ATTACKED NUMEROUS TIMES AND EMPLOYEES OVER THE YEARS HAVE AT THE PERIL OF LOSING THEIR JOB, SPOKEN OUT ABOUT THE WORKING CONDITIONS. I BELIEVE THEY ARE ABOUT TO LEASE THEIR COVID EXTRA PAY SOON TOO, UNLESS IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED. ANYONE GOING TO STOP SHOPPING AT AMAZON? THOUGHTS? HOW DIFFERENTREALKY ARE OTHER PLACES WE SHOP? WE HAVE NO CLUE CREALLY.

online celebrity …

MADAM HAD DONE SOME PRETTY MAJOR STUFF TO HER FACE, OR RATHER HAS HAD DONE. I LOVED THAT COMMENT ABOUT THE HORSES TAIL PONYTAIL🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂. INWISH I COULD RECALL WHICH ANON SAID IT SO I COULD GIVE YOU CREDIT. WHEN ONE IS POPULAR ON YOUTUBE, HAS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF FOLLOWERS AND VIEWS, I DONT KNOW IF THOSE NUMBERS ARE ARBITRARY, BASED ON COUNTRY OR BASED ON VIEWS. HOWEVER THEY ARE CALLED INFLUENCERS. NOWHERE THIS MORE EVIDENT THAN IN THE COSMETICS WORLD. THE BEAUTY INDUSTRY HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED. THEY COLLAB ON MAKEUP WITH INFLUENCERS. SO MANY INDIE BRANDS ARE BREAKING INTO THE WORLD HUGE MONEY MAKERS. A LOT OF THESE INFLUENCERS HAVE GONE ON TO HAVE THEIR OWN COLLECTIONS AKA JEFFREY STARR, JAMES CHARLES ETC ETC. SO IS MADAM FANCYING HERSELF THAT NOW. SPOUTING HER RABID WOKE WORD SALAD ONKINE FOR $$$$$. I COUKD TOTALLY SEE HER DOING THIS. KIDS SHE IS NEVER NOT GOING TO BE IN THE MEDIA,MBRACE YOURSELVES!

“ There here Philip “ …………” one has to distance darlings “ …… “ yes there lovely shoes” ……… “ look Philip, live tic-toc “………” it’s wonderful wonderful “ ………… “amazing, he’s shot up “ ………” shall we have a little refreshments?”

BACK TO WC, THE CAMBRIDGES HAVR ARRIVED IN FULL FOR E. CATHERINE REMINDING THE CHILDREN ABOUT PHYSICAL DISTANCING. IT IS SO HARD IS IT NOT? AT SNY SGE!! HUG DEPRIVED AM l!!. CATHERINE IS WEARING HER NEW RED SHOES AND, NO WAY IN CANADIAN SIZES IS SHE A SIZE TWELVE, MORE LIKE 2LONG. BUT NONETHELESS SHE HAS ON HER NEW OUTFIT SHE WAS CHOOSING IN THE RIDDLE FROM THE OTHER DAY. I WONDER IF THE GOT TALKING ABOUT UHNTS’S CORONATION RUBIED SLIPPERS? OF COURSE, THEY MUST HAVE, THEY ARE WOME!!🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂.

HMTQ ENCOURAGING HIMSELF TO WATCH THE REA LIFE TIK TOK PERFORMANCES. HIMSELF COMMENTING ON GEORGE OR LOUIS ON HOW MJCH HEVHAS GROWN, LIKELY LOUIS BECAUSE BABIES GROW SO TERRIBLY MUCH. AND ITS BEEN SOMETIME SINCE THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER IRL, IN REAL LIFE. AGAIN REFRESHMENTS ON THE WAY.

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

—————-

39. June 6

MM ANON …… the battle of Whitehall ……… agent Provocateurs………new trading …… it’s a Sunday Jim ,but not as we know it ………… social distancing got wet……… antibodies have the answer ……… R is above 1 in the SWest Of England. 😱😱😱😱……… second spike😱😱😱………🎼when I was 65 ,it was a very good year 🎼………… “ look it’s mummies wedding “ ……… “it’s mummy gan gan” ……… “ yes , so pretty the coach “ ………” I want one “ ……… “ one day sweetie, one day” ………” will you come gan gan ? “ ………… “ I’ll try darling “.

*Entertainment Purposes

💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊THANK YOU DEAR MM ANON😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜

JUNE 6/2020. RIDDLE #39

the battle of Whitehall ………

THERE WERE PROTEST MARCHES AGAIN TODAY IN CITIES THE WORLD OVER REGARDING BLM AND RACE ISSUES. I HAD BBC WORLD ON THIS MORNING. THEY WERE SAYING THE TWO MAIN CROWDS IN LONDON WERE IN WHITEHALL NEAR PARLIAMENT SQUARE AND THE OTHER WAS AT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY. THE CROWD NEAR OR IN PARLIAMENT SQUARE LOOKED MASSIVE.

agent Provocateurs………

THE OTHER DAY WE HAD ONE, NOW IT IS MULTIPLE. VERY INTERESTING. WHO ELSE IS DOING THE SPYING.WE KNOW ITS A STORE BUT THAT IS NOT THE ISSUE UNLESS SOME GOT VANDALIZED.MANY LUXURY STORES HAVE BEEN.

LETS , FOR MY SAKE AT LEAST, LOOK AT THE FULL DEFINITION.

FROM WIKI

An agent provocateur (French for “inciting agent”) is a person who commits or who acts to entice another person to commit an illegal or rash act or falsely implicate them in partaking in an illegal act, so as to ruin the reputation or entice legal action against the target or a group they belong to. They may target any group, such as a peaceful protest or demonstration, a union, a political party or a company.

SO THIS IS VERY RELEVANT TO THE PEACEFUL BLM MARCHES. WE HAVE HEARD OF MANY ORGANIZATIONS THAT DISRUPT THESE PEACEFUL MARCHES CAUSE MAYHEM,DESTRUCTION, LOOTING, VIOLENCE AGAINST THE POLICE OR OTHER PROTESTERS, EVEN MURDER. ANTIFA, ANARCHISTS, AND OTHER GROUPS HAVE BEEN MENTIONED. ALWAYS AT THE G7 AND G20 SUMMITS TOO. THEY VIRTUALLY DESTROYED DOWNTOWN TORONTO BUSINESSES A FEW YEARS AGO DURING ONE IF THE G MEETINGS. ITS DISGUSTING TO CAUSE THIS MAYHEM WHEN THERE ARE GENUINE ISSUES PEOPLE ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT.

new trading ……

THEY HAVE JUST PARTIALLY OPENED MAY 26/2020. SURPRISINGLY STOCKS ARE REBOUNDING. THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN AMERICA ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK HAS LOWERED, TO 13.3 %. 2.5 MILLION NEW JOBS HAVE BEEN CREATED SINCE LAST MONTH. THE ECONOMY IS REBOUNDING QUICKER THAN EXPECTED. OH KIDS THUNDERING LIKE CRAZY HERE.

it’s a Sunday Jim ,but not as we know it …………

AGAIN THE STAR TREK REFERENCE, DR MCCOY TALKING TO CAPTAIN KIRK. MEANING THE HIGHEST RANK IS BEING INFORMED. MIGHT THIS BE LG TALKING WITH HMTQ ABOUT WHATS ON THE DOCKET FOR SUNDAY. MORE PROTESTS ARE PLANNED. ALWAYS THE RISK OF BAD ACTORS CAUSING MAYHEM AND WORSE.HOW LONG WILL THIS CONTINUE?? 2020 THUS FAR HAS BEEN FULL OF UNEXPECTED HORRORS.

social distancing got wet………

DURING TODAYS MARCHES IN LONDON, I SAW VARIOUS PEOPLE BEING INTERVIEWED, IT LOOKED COLD AND RAINY. MANY HAD THEIR HOOD UP WEARING THEIR GORTEX RAIN GEAR. HARD TO SOCIAL DISTANCE IN A CROWD OF THOUSANDS AND THEN RAIN ☔️ TO BOOT.

antibodies have the answer ……… R is above 1 in the SWest Of England. 😱😱😱😱……… second spike😱😱😱………

IN VACCINE DEVELOPMENT THEY USUALLY USE A WEAKENED SAMPLE OF THE VIRUS OR BACTERIA , SO THEY CANNOT REPLICATE THEMSELVES, YET ENOUGH IN THE VACCINE TO TRIGGER IMMUNE RESPONSE TO DEVELOP ANTIBODIES AND THEREFORE ONE WILL DEVELOP A IMMUNITY. THIS IS THE ANSWER TO ANY VACCINE. AS YESTERDAYS RIDDLES CLUE THERE ARE MORE CASES OF COVID-19 IN THE NORTH WEST AND SOUTH WEST OF ENGLAND. THE R RATE BEING ABOVE 1 IS CRITICALLY VERY BAD NEWS INDEED. THIS IS THE HIGHEST SINCE THE PEAK OF PANDEMIC AND LOCAL LEADERS CALLING FOR LOCKDOWNS AGAIN. MATT HANCOCK, IS DOWNPLAYING THIS. I THINK WE ALL FEAR A HUGE TSUNAMI OF A SECOND WAVE. FOR ME, I SEE THESE CROWDS MARCHING IN NYC,NEW YORK WHICH HAS BEEN THE EPICENTRE FOR CASES IN AMERICA. THESE MARCHES ARE MASSIVE RISK FOR VIRUS SPREAD. I FEAR VERY MUCH A SECOND WAVE LARGER THAN HAD PREVIOUSLY BEEN ANTICIPATED. IF WE HAVE TO REVERSE THINGS FOR A SECOND SPIKE AND GO BACK INTO COMPLETE LOCKDOWN AGAIN INFEAR NON COMPLIANCE. 🎼

when I was 65 ,it was a very good year 🎼…………

SONG BY OL BLUE EYES HIMSELF,FRANK SINATRA, IT WAS A VERY GOOD YEAR. THE AGE 65 IS NOT MENTIONED. HE SINGS ABOUT DIFFERENT PHASES OF LIFE AND EXPERIENCES. THE FINAL VERSE IS THE AUTUMN OF LIFE. SO WHO IS 65? MADAM?🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 WAS SHE BORN IN 1965? THAT WOULD MAKE HER 52! HIMSELF IS TURNING 99 NEXT WEEK IS THIS REFERENCING HIS LONG LIFE OF EXPERIENCES?

“ look it’s mummies wedding “ ……… “it’s mummy gan gan” ……… “ yes , so pretty the coach “ ………” I want one “ ……… “ one day sweetie, one day” ………” will you come gan gan ? “ ………… “ I’ll try darling “.

MORE FUN AT WC. THEY MUST BE WATCHING WILLIAM AND CATHERINE’S WEDDING 📀 DVD, HOW LOVELY. POINTING OUT MUMMY TO GAN GAN, HMTQ, AS THEY RIDE THROUGH THE STREES IN HORSES AND CARRIAGE. HOW WONDERFUL WAS THAT WEDDING EH?? AND OF COURSE OUR CHARLOTTE WANTS A WEDDING LIKE THAT ABD MOST DEFINITELY WANTS GAN GAN TO BE THERE. HMTQ PROMISES TO TRY HER BEST TO BE THERE. HOW CHARMING AND HEARTWARMING. I HAVE TEARS ABOUT THIS, WITHOUT SAYING MORE.

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

——————

40. June 8

MM ANON ……who’s her next favourite millionaire ……… Malibu?? ……… NYC??……… another sad video cry for help ……… archificial ( firsts words) 🤣🤣🤣………… mad / bad & dangerous to know ……… “ it’s me, me film me!! ………… “ turn around!! “ ……… “ he’s not letting her agenda rule” ………” this is not up for debate “………… “yes ones looking forward to traveling up there “ ………” get in touch with the Gillie” …………… “ can one travel to ones other residence?

SORRY I JUST COUKD T GET TO THIS ONE. THANK YOU DEAR LADYKINRANNOCH FABULOUS AS ALWAYS

💜💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊PG😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜💜💜

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

——————-

41. June 8

MM ANON ……D.O.J.……… A Stern retort. ………… the sept. Soothsayer ……… A 14 day suicide for the trade………… in court today ……… Beatrice tooo tu!! …………… wonderful Wessex……… more photos from Kate??? ……… no fuss birthday ………… “ shall one suggest a gathering of 8 .” ………” no, silly’ Balmoral?? ……… MM desperatum iri videbatur……

💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊THANK YOU MM ANON😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜

JUNE 8/20. RIDDLE #41

SORRY KIDS I MISSED YESTERDAY’S RIDDLES AND THIS IS FAR FROM MY BEST. I AM NOT FEELING WELL, AND AM SO VERY VERY TIRED.

D.O.J.……… A STERN RETORT…IN COURT TODAY

PAPERS AGAIN BRINGING UP PRINCE ANDREW AND THE DOJ/FBI IN AMERICA. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE AND FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION. HE STATES HE HAS OFFERED THREE SEPARATE TIME TO ANSWER QUESTIONS, YET THEY HAVE NOT TAKEN HIM UP ON IT. THE F.B. I. IS IN A WORLD OF HURT NOW WITH THE CURRENT INQUIRY GOING ON INTOTHE FISA WARRANTS THAT WASTHE GENESIS OF THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION AND THE MUELLER PROBE. PA IS SAYING THEY ARE NOT TREATING HIM LIKE ANY USUAL WITNESS, INDEED LIKE A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN.

THEY HAVE CLAPPED BACK, HENCE STERN RETORT OR REPLY, THAT HE HAS BOT BEEN COOPERATIVE WITH US INVESTIGATORS. THIS ARISE AFTER THE DOJ HAS FILE IN COURT FOR “MUTUAL LEGAL ASSISTANCE REQUESTING HELP FROM THE UK HOME OFFICE.

PA LEGAL OFFICE, BLACKFORDS, HAS THIS AFTERNOON RELEASED A LENGTHLY STATEMENT, POINT, BY POINT. I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU TAKE A LOOK AT. INTERESTING WHY IS THIS COMING UP NOW? HERE IS THE ARTICLE SHOULD YOU WAISH TO READ IN FULL.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8398957/Prince-Andrew-war-Jeffrey-Epstein-prosecutors.html

the sept. Soothsayer ………

SOOTHSAYER IS A SEER, A PREDICTOR, VISIONS. SOMEONE PREDICTING MORE 2039 DISASTER?? CERTAINLY THE FEAR OF A MASSIVE SECOND WAVE, LARGER THAN THE GIRST COMING IN. THE AUTUMN MONTHS ALONG WITH THE USUAL AND FLU SEASONS.

A 14 day suicide for the trade…………

BACK IN RHE BIG STOCK MARKET CRASH ON 1929! MANY BROKERS SUICIDED. IS THIS THE PREDICTION NOW FOR THE MARKETS? THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC NEWS LOOKED BRIGHTER LAST WEEK. HOWEVER THE PROTESTS ARE CONTINUING, GETTING BIGGER, SPREAD ACROSS THE GLOBE. I MUST SAY, I AM GLAD MY PARENTS ARE NOT ALIVE TO SEE THIS AND SEE A STATUE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL SPRAYED OVER. WONDER WHAT THE SURVIVING VETERANS THINK. I WONDER WHAT THE HOLOCAUST SURVIVUORS THINK. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR WORLD IS EVIL, SATAN IS WORKING VERY HARD.

14 DAY SUICIDE FOR WHAT TRADE? WHAT SUICIDE TAKES 14 DAYS? POISON? WHAT IS BEING TRADED? MORE FREEDOM, EASING LOCKDOWNS , LEADING TO AN UPTICK IN CASES OF COVD-19. ARE WE LITERALLY GOING TO LOSE LIVES SO SOME CAN HAVE MORE FREDOM, THE EC9NONMY CAN BEGIN TO RUN. I DARESAY THIS LOCKDOWN HAS RESULTED IN MANY DEATHS ALREADY. MISSED TESTSM NISSED SURGERIES, MISSED TREATMENTS, LOSS OF INCOME, DEPRESSION, MARKED INCREASE IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RATES.

Beatrice tooo tu!! ……………

HOW CUTE WAS PRINCESS BEATRICE IS HER TUTU, RAISING MONEY FOR CATERPILLARRUN.COM. FUNNY HOW NEONS ARE SO BACK NOW LIKE THE EARLY 90’S

wonderful Wessex………

THE COUNTESS OF WESSEX, SOPHIE, WORKS SO HARD. VARIED CAUSES FROM RAPPELLING A WALL WITH SOLDIERS IN KOSOVO, TO SPEAKING AT THE UN ON WOMENS ISSUES AND ON AND ON. SHE TRULY IS A TREASURE.

more photos from Kate??? ………

IS CATHERINE RELEASING MORE OF HER PHOTOS? SOME OF THE CHILDREN OR ONE OF A SURPRISE BUMP? SORRY I AM BUMP OBSESSED.

no fuss birthday …………

“ shall one suggest a gathering of 8 .” ………” no, silly’ Balmoral?? ………

HMTQ DISCUSSING HER BIRTHDAY DINNER. AS SHE IN CONTINUING THE PLANS OF HEADING NORTH TO BALMORAL IN SCOTLAND 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿, AS SHE DOES EACH SUMMER. THE GILLIES BALL IS A TRADITION WITH THE FISHERMEN DANCING WITH ROYALTY. I THINK THIS YEAR, IT WILL NOT HAPPEN UNFORTUNATELY. IT WILL BE A PARED DOWN SMALL DINNER.

MM desperatum iri videbatur…

MADAM IS SEEMINGLY IN A VERY DESPERATE SITUATION INDEED. WITH HER THOUGH, NOTHING IS EVER EVER AS IT APPEARS TO BE EVER!

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

——————

42. June 9

MM ANON ……… everyone and their brother,brother ……… wow!! What a photo Kate!!…………… little Louis gets a surprise …………… a well rounded future of three( four) ……… A birthday tic-toc dance………… “ do Catherine , come and bring the children “………… “maybe a change of routine “………… “ Both of you are an example hope”……… “ yes George,I’ll see if we can get to a match”

*Entertainment Purposes

💜💜🙏🏻🙏🏻😊😊THANK YOU MM ANON😊😊🙏🏻🙏🏻💜💜

JUNE 9/2020. RIDDLE #42

THIS IS A PURE FUN RIDDLE, THANK YOU DEAR MM ANON, I HAVE SO LITTLE ENERGY BUT THIS I SHALL DO WITH PURE LOVE.

THIS RIDDLE IS ENTIRELY FAMILY, HMTQ BIRTHDAY PLANS.

everyone and their brother,brother ………

SO YESTERDAY THEY WERE SAYING A DINNER OF EIGHT. AT BALMORAL. LIMITS THERE ARE EIGHT I BELIEVE, I ALSO BELIEVE HMTQ CAN BEND THE RULES. THE PHRASE, EVERYBODY ABD THEIR BROTHER IS COMING, MEANS A HECK OF A LOT OF PEOPLE. I SEE THIS MEANING OUR HARRY WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE IN ATTENDANCE 💜💜💜💜💜

wow!! What a photo Kate!!……………

TOWN AND COUNTRY REVEAL A NEW PHOTO, OR PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN PHOTO OF WILLIAM HOLDING AN UMBRELLA WALKING WITH GEORGE AND CHARLOTTE DURING THE TIME THEY WERE OUT DELIVERING HOME MADE PASTA. OF INTEREST THE PHOTO IS TAKE FROM THE BACK. I WINDER IF THIS REFERS TO A NEW PHOTO GIVEN THE TWO EXCLAMATION MARKS.

little Louis gets a surprise ……………

HAVE THEY TOLD LITTLE LOUIS THAT HE SHALL SOON BE A BIG BROTHER?? I AM TOTALLY ALL IN ON BABY NUMBER FOUR. I KNOW I WAS ALL IN BACK IN NOVEMBER BUT I STILL AM. THE CLUES POINT TO IT.

a well rounded future of three( four) ………

AHA ANOTHER IN YOUR FACE CLUE. CATHERINE’S TUMMY HAS ROUNDED, I WONDER IF THAT IS THE OHOTO SPOKEN OF, A SELF PORTRAIT OF HER AND HER BABY BUMP. YEP NUMBER FOUR IS BREWING AWAY. WE HAVE ONKY SEEN HER FOR WEEKS FROM NECK UP. THE LAST TIME WE SAW HER WAS THE HONOURING NHS CLAPPING PHOTO TAKEN AT AMNER HALL.

A birthday tic-toc dance………… “ do Catherine , come and bring the children “………… “maybe a change of routine “………… “ Both of you are an example hope”……… “ yes George,I’ll see if we can get to a match”

BIRTHDAY TIK TOK DANCE FOR GAN GAN. HMTQ WANTS CATHERINE AND THE CHILDREN FOR SURE TO COME UP TO BALMORAL AS WELL. SAYING NICE CHANGE IN ROUTINE. HMTQ COMMENDING CATHERINE ON THE WORK SHE AND WILLIAM ARE DOING. WILLIAM IS ANSWERING GEORGE WHO WANTS SOME FOOTBALL.

GSTQAOBC 🇨🇦🇬🇧🇦🇺🇳🇿

[dauntless-dragayn]

Life is Strange fanfiction: All Wounds

   HEY ALL, somethin different for today. I will honestly say I don't read tons of fanfic, call me picky or just, see the truth as being i don't have much spare time to read, period so I've never reviewed one.  BUT. I really want to call attention to one this time, and what better way to do that then by helping out the author with a review? I don't think people realize how much criticism is worth to writers, even taking the time to type out something small is great. (quick note: this review contains spoilers for Lis and BtS. spoilers for the fic itself will be left to the end)   All Wounds by @destiny-smasher is a fic taking place in the Life is Strange universe, almost directly after the 'bae' ending. Throughout, it switches between Max and Chloe's PoVs, however Max is still the main protagonist here. But this is no fluffy feel-good fic (though there is some spots of fluff here and there) it's real and it's painful. It deals with the trauma and emotions that have built up in these women over that fateful week, even their teenage years - stuff that doesn't just magically disappear after the climax. That premise hooked me, because the kind of nitty gritty that often gets ignored in the fandom is exactly what tends to interest me. It actually (minor spoiler!) timeskips after a bit to when they're adults, and when things finally start crashing around their heads .. again.   I will say outright, this isn't for the faint of hearted. It's lonnnng, at 3.5 k words, which rivals many novels!! And it deals with PTSD, mental illness, suicidal ideation, and even a certain amount of psychological horror. Themes present in both games definitely come up again. And no, Max and Chloe's relationship isn't without its bumps. Or rather catastrophic crashes. Don't worry, it'll hurt you but patch those wounds up, by the end. see what i did there   Truthfully, I tried to read it in a RIDICULOUSLY short time frame for Reasons™ (unrelating to the piece) but just could not. I would continuously find myself compelled to slow down, sink into each sentence, into Max’s head or Chloe’s frustrations. I was living in their world more than mine for a few days. It was great - a piece of fresh writing hasn’t done that to me in a while.   I highly recommend taking the time to appreciate this story; it’s ups and downs, romance and time fuckery. If you loved Life is Strange (duh) there’s little reason you wouldn’t love this, too.   You can absolutely tell that this is a project woven together of heart and struggle. Art is never easy when you truly care about the outcome and the fact that this took years of the creator's time and attention stuns me. She did all that mind you, for FREE. Not for publishing, not for profit, not for fame. For a fandom she cares about. Serious writing for fandom is tough, because frankly it's not the easiest medium to sell (sell being used nonliterally here of course, and also, this applies outside of fandom too, just especially so in it) I have an INCREDIBLE amount of admiration for creators like her who dive into these characters they love - but did not create! developing them further, taking them in new directions or continuing them on paths they were already set on -  and write novel length stories or comics for absolutely nothing. You have thoroughly earned my respect.   That’s not to say it’s flawless! Nothing ever is, psh. I do have criticisms here and there, but with those I’ll be more specific, which means they’ll be put under the cut. This is mostly for Destiny-Smasher’s sake, since she is in the process of turning the fic into a visual novel! I’ve read the first few chapters of that too, it’s a cool adaption.   So yeah, if ya haven’t read it, please stop here.   (Also before you go, check out her girlfriend’s art, I’m in love with that too!!)

SPOILERS BEYOND

   Some of these tend to be on the side of minor and nitpicky, I feel, but I'll still go into them. Not trying to be annoying !

  Okay so OBVIOUSLY the repetitiveness of certain scenes or conversations was purposeful, and a big part of how you told this story. And that's GREAT I think you used that unusual element well, certainly paying attention to details. There were some times when it felt repetitive in the wrong places though I think, and I guess I mostly mean some conversations. Or sometimes rather than being repetitive they just felt unnecessary as a whole. If I'm remembering correctly sorry its been a little while by now the conversation between Chloe and Steph in the diner before Chloe realizes she can rewind time now felt like that - just unneeded, like if you had cut or shortened it nothing would be lost. I can't think of any more examples right now, but maybe just keep that in mind?   In general there are definitely a few filler scenes but I hesitate to condemn that because like I said, this world really breaths and feels genuine, and I think those are part of why.   The addition of quotes and especially linked songs was an awesome touch I thought, since ya don't normally get auditory nods like that in writing. There were a few times it broke my immersion but for the most part it was a very appealing layer to your storytelling, so I look forward to seeing that carried out with the adaption.   One thing I didn't like much in general were Chloe's pirate dreams in the second half. I understand that there were some important nods and revelations about what was going on in her psyche, not to mention the role of dream weaving being hinted at, but for the most part they just left me pretty confused.   As far as inconsistencies, I know you were worried about that, but I really think you're fine? Like other than the stuff involving Before the Storm and what that revealed/changed (which you can't be blamed for because this story was written over yEARS) there was nothing major that I noticed. And considering the utter insanity of the timelines n shit, I'm seriously in awe you kept it relatively smooth. I have a HUGLY less complicated story in the works (no time travel) and I still managed to fuck up the timeline. Moving on. :')    I’m embarrassingly forgetful, and that’s all my initial notes on the subject had to say, so I may be missing some things? But yeah, I honestly don’t have much in the negative to say.    So let’s talk about THE plot twist. Yes that one. I remember around, chapter 16.4, the idea piecing together in my mind .. the title of the chapter, her behavior, speaking patterns, the fact that yes, this wasn’t a deviation like any of the others, it was in fact the canon divergence of timeline.... hoLY CRAP ITS OTHER MAX SHES REAL AND - yeah I fangirled a bit. (I was freaking so badly about my theory that I was so sure had to be true - and I was right, heh - that I tried to explain it to my dad. Who, FYI, has minimal knowledge on Life is Strange’s plot, and no hope of understanding the convoluted details of the fic thus far. I finally gave up and went back to reading while squealing excitedly over it in my head. And then I shut up because things got dark)   Just, gods, the details! That was the most satisfying fucking feeling, seeing all these seemingly little or random things come to be crucial. Things like Max clinging to her reality with the wedding bands on her finger, or like Other Max’s particular personality, from being aggressive and upfront more than Max has ever been, to her freaking sexual behavior. Her having red streaks in her hair to represent both sides to her, the cover of the fic and the visual novel not being a symbolic picture but an actual look at the End of Time and Other Max!!   Her falling in love with Stella was definitely a curveball I did not expect, and admittedly I was pRETTY weirded out. Cuz like.. she's engaged to Chloe in the other timeline, and obviously I ship them over anyone else.. I'm not complaining! Just, a very fresh take on Stella and their relationship. Speaking of- it did seem a little strange to me that, after the awkward start to their dating and the mention of how it was going right after, that it never came up again. Obviously things got cut short, but, how was it really working? Did Stella turn out to actually be gay? I interpreted that she was doing it out of a sort of obligation and platonic love for Max, and that she was 1000% straight. Maybe you left that open on purpose? It seemed coded that way, though..   All in all I loved what you did with Other Max. She was an edge of a concept in Life is Strange, in that confrontation scene after the nightmare of episode five - which I loved for its implications - and you took that and RAN with it. So I go in thinking "okay. she's a more literal form of this mental battle Max faces, made so much worse by death shes surrounded by after the storm" And for a while that holds up.. Max finds herself moving on, as a teenager, with Chloe's pushing, and things get better for a while. Great!! Woohoo!   Except ..  the past will always find you .. especially when that past is yourself ... and not even time travel can keep it away forever.   That's the shit you don't see delved into. This power is like, a drug. A limb she's gotten used to and relies on as much as any other. I've never believed she would just, drop it. Does it go away when the storm hits / chloe dies? Maybe, I always thought. But that's so convenient. And without an explanation for why it showed up, we have no basis for why it would go away.   And why not use it, Max convinces herself. ‘I must still have the power for a reason.’ Maybe so, and you've certainly grown, Caulfield, but you are still avoiding consequences. You are still a god amongst mortals, but guess what? That immortal facade can only be contained by a human body for so long. Things start crumbling, and as a reader you see the inevitability of all, feel the hopelessness. She's keeping things from Chloe, BIG fucking things, and I want to reach over and grab her by the shoulder and shake her. "CHLOE YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS MINDFUCKED"   I literally couldn't breath for a minute when I realized the implications of the car crash scene, where Max says she's been regularly getting lost in time for months. But, no biggie. Quick weed, call, and you’re right back where you should be. Right? Just wipe the blood off your face, no one will notice.   Damn.   Anyway, enough about that. Remember earlier, when I said 'psychological horror'? Truthfully I don't know if that's the right word for it, or even if its a real thing. But whatever it is, I live for it. People's mind are their own worst enemies, and that bit is ultimately and personally relatable. Max is constantly arguing with herself. But this time, the nightmare - mine, and hers - is creeping into real life. The Other is ripping control from her shaky hands. Its twisting her into someone she never wanted to be - a literal worst version of herself, and, we find out - a real version, just from a different timeline. A broken one. A nonhuman one .. or that's what she says. But as we see this Other raise her voice, and read on in bafflement alongside Max, we get to see that her intentions, aren't necessarily evil. Has she done evil things? Yes. Did Max see her as evil? Yes, and even Chloe did for a while. But the big question I found myself asking, and Chloe eventually challenging is.. is the Other.. still Max? Is the worst reality, the worst view in the mirror, still us? All Wounds says yes. But not to give up hope, far from it - instead that we MUST confront these self made demons, we MUST accept these wounds for them to ever heal.   While spurred by a morality grounding near-death experience, that last fight at the End of Time - while a supernatural slew of symbolism, time travel, and dreamscapes - also sung to me of reality. That's what the best fantastical fiction is.   Amazing.

  To top it all off, the ending chapter was perfect. I'm not gonna lie, I teared up a bit. It felt right, and more importantly, real. Not some overdone fictional fanservice crap. But still the happy ending these women MORE than earned.   Through it all, the exploration of characters who didn't probably get what they deserved in LiS (I'm thinking about Victoria, but also Stella and even Joyce..) was really satisfying and ultimately shifted my perception of them.

  Honestly, there are so many quotable moments throughout this thing. (I have a ton of screenshots of some on my phone, actually.) But I'll go with .. "You Power isn't what makes you special, Max. Stop worrying about fixing. Focus on being. Yes, even those parts. That's all in the past. All I care about now is the future. And I want to share that future with you."

-Chloe 

 What you called experimental bullshit, I applaud. So.. Thanks for writing All Wounds.

[uhh-the-green-thing]

“You just make things so hard sometimes.” | Becca x MC (Jey)

Hey, guys. This is the first fic I have ever written. Ever. In my entire life. It’s a bit lengthy too, so I’m sorry if it bores you or if it’s not up to your guys’ standards. Hope you guys like it though. AND PLEASE GIVE ME FEEDBACK :( I wanna know how I can improve my writing. Thanks guys.

It had been so boring today. Classes were bleak, the professors just droning on and on about whatever uninteresting topic they were talking about. Having no one to rant to about this also wasn’t helping, and Becca somewhat found herself missing Madison’s company.

“I don’t need her,” she thought, furrowing her eyebrows.

She still felt bitter about everything that’s happened–the divorce and the outvoting–and thinking about those soured her mood even more.

She started walking down the quad with a huff, the light spring breeze blowing her hair gently across her face. She needed a distraction from all of this; she needed Jey.

Becca reached down and opened her bag, grabbing her phone to send a text to Jey. Busy? Where are you?

Her reply was quick. Just working on an article. I’m by my tree. Something wrong?

She found it cliche that Jey’s ideal working place in Hartfeld was under a tree in the more secluded area near the quad. The silence makes sense, but where would she charge her laptop?

I’m coming. She replied, disregarding the latter question.

As Becca made her way to the tree, she took out her compact and fixed herself a little. Gotta look good at least.

From a short distance, she could make out Jey’s relaxed frame, typing away on her laptop. A notepad and some sheets of paper lie by her side. She looked about, checking if there wasn’t anyone nearby that she knew. There wasn’t a lot of people around, but it wouldn’t hurt to be sure.

“Hey,” Becca greeted as she walked over to her.

Jey looked up from her laptop and smiled as she saw Becca. “Oh, hey.”

Oh, dear god that smile. Becca would never admit how she loved seeing it. She was slightly flustered by Jey’s subtle scrutiny, loving the way how her brown gaze felt just as kind as normal but held a degree of intensity to it–a look mostly reserved for people Jey deeply cared about–and she almost forgot how her throat worked. Yep, she felt better already. “Classes done?”

“Y-yeah,” Becca stuttered. She sighed, sitting down next to her.

“I’m guessing they went well?” Jey teased, seeing the woman’s lack of enthusiasm. She put her laptop aside and turned to Becca, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear and kissed her cheek softly. Becca rolled her eyes.

“Ugh, hardly,” she grumbled as she laid her head on the brunette’s shoulder, Jey wrapping an arm around her waist. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

“So what happened?” Jey asked.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing, huh? You wouldn’t be acting like this if ‘nothing’ happened.” She cast a side-eye.

“No, that’s just it. My classes bored me to death and there’s literally nothing to do.”

“Well, you could always do me…” Jey trails off. Becca raised her head from Jey’s shoulder and gave her an unamused look, chuckling slightly when Jey gave her a sly wink.

“Shut up,” Becca said, looking down as her smile faded. “And all this divorce and sorority crap isn’t doing me any good either.”

“Oh…” Jey frowned. “Have you talked to Madison yet?”

“Of course not, why would I?” She scoffed, shaking her head. Jey moved her other arm and took Becca’s hand in hers, running her thumbs in slow, comforting strokes. She felt Becca relax a little against her.

“Becca, she really wants to patch things up with you. Just hear her out, I’m sure that she’s having a hard time with this too. She is your best friend, right?”

“Oh please. She stole my position. She’s probably having a grand time now that she’s queen bee,” she said, rolling her eyes.

Jey sighed and looked at Becca, thoughtful. “I highly doubt that, Becca. She’s a really sweet girl, and it’s not like she asked for the girls to vote for her. That’s just very un-Madison.” Jey reasons. “And remember how you told me that you only got one vote? Did–”

“Wow,” Becca interrupted, her face forming her trademark scowl. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“I’m just saying,” Jey said emphatically, “Did you ever stop to think that that vote could come from Madison?”

Becca’s scowl softened. Huh. Madison would do that. She knew the endearing dummy too well, but was far too proud and stubborn to admit that maybe Madison did vote for her. The thought did little to quell her annoyance though.

“I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.” Becca finally said, suddenly cold and withdrawn. She looked down and started plucking at a patch of grass by her side. Jey breathed a sigh resignation, clearly disappointed, but knew better than to push. “Okay.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes, Jey holding Becca in her arms, hoping the silence and her touch may calm Becca. Jey held her closer and nuzzled against her neck, relieved when there weren’t any signs of protest from her.

Birds’ chirping could be heard in the distance along with the low murmur from a few people occasionally passing by. Leaves rustled as the wind blew, and Jey closed her eyes, reveling in the quiet and Becca’s warmth. Maybe I should bring Becca here with me more oft–

“I’m sorry I’m like this.” Becca spoke, her voice interrupting Jey’s thoughts. “I don’t get how you put up with me, why you put up with me” she continued, her somber tone worrying Jey. She removed her hand from Jey’s grasp and looked down, staring at that same patch of grass she was plucking earlier.

“Becca…” Jey turned her body towards Becca, her heart breaking as she assessed the woman beside her, studying the woeful expression on her face.

“Every time you see me, I’m either mad or sad. I’ve been so horrible to you, Jey,” Becca looks at her. “Since day one. I spilled coffee on you, I humiliated you in front of the whole sorority, I fucking pushed you into a pool, I’ve been a bitch to you everytime we saw each other, I–”

Becca broke. The shame of her actions overwhelmed her; the force of it almost physical, so much that she glanced away from Jey and stared at the ground. One day, Jey would forgive her, because it was in her nature to forgive. And maybe she already has. She was a compassionate woman, who for whatever reason, cared about Becca and was willing to give her a second chance. But could Becca ever forgive herself?

She doubted it.

Hot pinpricks lit behind her eyes. Becca closed them and tried hard to blink back the threat of tears. She hated showing any kind of vulnerability to anyone, but her strength was wavering.

“Hey, look at me.” Jey said softly, grasping Becca’s chin and gently raised it. Becca lifted her eyes, reluctantly meeting Jey’s gaze.

But then Jey kept staring at her, kind brown eyes searching and forgiving, so lovely and soft and full of caring, and that traitorous warmth in her chest started to seep through the cracks, and it was all so unfair.

“I care about you, Becca. I care about you a lot more than I let you on to know,” Jey said, wondering if her admission gave too much away. She raised her hand and cupped Becca’s cheek, running her thumb across her skin lightly. “I didn’t know those things still bothered you until now. I thought we’ve gone through this before…” Sure, they’ve mentioned it briefly before, but Jey never knew that Becca was still holding this close to her chest.

“I’m sorry, Jey. I’m so, so sorry.” Becca wasn’t the type of person to say those words so easily. You usually have to fight with her just to get her to apologize, and even if she knows she’s clearly in the wrong, she’d still be unwilling to say those damned words, stubborn and unrelenting. But dear god, why was she so willing to let her walls down when it comes to Jey? Why did she keep on showing vulnerability around her? Becca couldn’t understand. “I… I don’t deserve you,” she weakly whispered, knowing well that Jey had already put this issue past them.

Jey watched Becca struggle with her feelings, her heart aching at the sight before her. She’d never imagined Becca, the mean, abrasive Becca, to show this magnitude of emotions to her.

“Maybe you don’t…” Jey replied slowly, making Becca look up at her. “But even so, do you think that would change the way I treat you or how I feel about you?” She paused. “Even if you don’t believe it, you deserve to be happy, Becca. And I’ll do anything to make that happen.” Her eyes were full of sincerity and something more, Becca couldn’t put her finger on it. It was too soon to tell but, was it… love?

“Come here.” Jey cupped Becca’s face with her hands and leaned forward to kiss her. The sudden pressure of Jey’s lips on Becca’s was dizzying, and it was only because Jey’s hands held her steady that she didn’t break contact. Her lips were warm, placing soft and gentle kisses that seemed to devour every scrap intelligence from Becca’s mind, constant and reassuring.

Jey pulled back after a long moment, breathless. She tangled her fingers in Becca’s blonde tresses, leaning forward to rest their heads together. Becca’s eyes were still closed, and a great deal of color returned to her cheeks.

“Jey…” Becca started, opening her eyes. “You… Christ, you. I…” she pulled back a little and swallowed a lump in her throat, looking straight into Jey’s eyes, unbelieving yet grateful. She didn’t see the point in arguing with Jey anymore. She was so emotionally drained.

“I meant what I said before, Becca,” Jey said, her voice slightly hoarse with emotion. “That I cared about you… You’re just. Ugh. You just make things so hard sometimes.” Jey laughed lightly, stroking Becca’s cheek affectionately.

Becca snorted softly, pressing an exhausted kiss against Jey’s cheeks as her fingers combed through Jey’s hair. She couldn’t believe how this girl could stand her, she’d just taken them both on a roller coaster of emotions after all.

There was a long silence, both giving each other meaningful looks full of raw emotion. Becca buried her face against Jey’s neck, loving the way Jey’s arms wrapped around her in a sweet, comforting embrace.  

 A sudden beep cut through the silence.

“Crap,” Jey said quietly, looking over towards the source of the sound. She frowned.

“What?”

“My laptop died.”

Forgive me if you guys found this piece unamusing, too lengthy, or whatever. Like I said, I’ve never written ANYTHING of this kind in my entire life, so please bear with me if you found a lot of errors and flaws. I tried my best though.

[5hfanfiction]

(Camila/You) - Phantasm - Chapter 10

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was gonna be a bad day.

I could hear my phone ringing but I couldn’t get up, not with the unrelenting headache I had. So instead of hauling myself off the bed, I grabbed my pillow and tried to cover my ears with it. I did my best to sleep again but I couldn’t shake the feeling of a jackhammer breaking its way through my skull.

Throwing the pillow away, I groggily rolled over towards the edge of my bed. But no sooner had I placed one foot down, my knees gave way and I found myself falling on the floor with a loud thud.

“Ugh.” My thoughts were fuzzy and there wasn’t anything on my mind but to get my ass off the floor. As soon as I stood up however, I felt the floor moving, like I was in a Gravitron. Add that with the headache I was experiencing and I immediately found myself running towards the bathroom and heaving everything I could into the toilet.

It seemed like hours until I could finally stand up without falling over a second later. I winced at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was all over the place and my eyes were bloodshot. I splashed some water on my face, hoping my mind would get through the haze and wake up.

As soon as I finished, I slowly made my way out the bathroom and sat at the edge of the bed. I drank some water and hoped it would get rid of the headache but to no avail.

“Y/N?”

I looked around, trying to find the source of the voice and saw a concerned Phantasm looking at me from my phone. I placed her beside me on the bed and massaged my temple.

“Hey, can you give me some painkillers? My head feels like it’s gonna burst.”

“Yeah…” She made a pill appear next to my water which I consumed immediately. It didn’t escape my notice how she did it without question. I didn’t even wish for it.

“Thanks,” I said. I tried to breathe in and out slowly to try and regulate the pulsing in my head.

“Y/N… umm…”

I turned beside me. “Yeah?”

Phantasm looked uncomfortable, biting her lip and refusing to meet my eyes. This was the first time I talked to her without her signature confidence and wit. She genuinely looked like she was distressed. But I had no idea why.

“Do you—by any chance—remember what happened last night?”

“What? Of cou—” I was about to tell her I did when my mind immediately went blank. There were no indication of any memories present in any part of my day last night. Try as I might, I can’t remember what I did or even who I was with.

“Oh my god,” Phantasm whispered, “you don’t.”

“I don't—I’m coming up blank. Why don’t I remember? What happened?”

“You—you were… drunk.” I didn’t remember anything about drinking last night or the reason why I would be drinking. But that would explain a lot. Why I had a headache and why I threw up first thing in the morning.

Even why I didn’t remember what happened last night.

“And then you…” Phantasm let the words hang between us. I was about to ask her if she was just scaring me but then I looked at her eyes and saw that she was scared herself. What could I have done for her to look so petrified?

“Phantasm, what did I do?”

“Y/N… you made… a wish.”

I shook my head. “What’s so wrong about that?”

“You really don’t remember?”

My mind began to replay the events of yesterday. It was a day unlike any other day. It was supposed to be an unforgettable day. And judging by Phantasm’s face, it looked like it was something I had no business forgetting.

Dread filled my mind. I knew from the very beginning that Phantasm’s wishes were very dangerous if put in the wrong hands. But I always convinced myself that I wouldn’t take advantage of the endless possibilities her power presented me.

However, judging by Phantasm’s fearful eyes, it seemed like those wrong hands were precisely mine.

-//-//-//-//-//-

24 hours ago

The moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was gonna be a good day.

I woke up with a huge smile on my face as I recalled the memories of these last few days. Ever since Camila and I kissed that night, we’ve practically been inseparable. We’ve hung out countless of times and each of those memories were priceless to me. I’m convinced that everything would be perfect for us from now on.

Of course we still had our problems. Like Camila not wanting to tell her bandmates about us.

Or Camila not talking to me in front of them.

Or Camila not kissing me since that night.

Or Camila not telling me she loves me.

But those were just small things, of course. The most important thing was that Camila and I had all the time in the world to be together. I’m sure she feels the same way I do and I don’t doubt her one bit.

I was humming while doing my morning routine, surprising even myself. I probably looked like an idiot recently, with me smiling all the time, but for once things we’re going my way and I wanted to revel in that feeling more.

“Oh, mighty gleeful today, aren’t we?” I grinned at my phone as Phantasm chuckled. “I must say I miss the brooding Y/N.”

“Why? Miss calling me a love-deficient cactus?”

“Yes actually.”

“Ha ha,” I said, mockingly. But even Phantasm’s quips couldn’t ruin this day for me. Now that I think about it, nothing could ruin this day no matter how hard they tried.

“So Captain, what’s the status of the ship?” Phantasm asked.

I chuckled as I tied my shoelaces. “Smooth sailing as far as I can tell.”

“Is that so? It’s cool to know that Camila loves you too then.”

My hands instantly stopped at her words. Camila’s never said she loved me but—but I’m sure she does. She wouldn’t have kissed me if she didn’t… right? And in an instant, the warning bells I’ve tried so hard to bury were digging themselves out.

I shook the thought out of my mind and realized I was just being paranoid. What did it matter if Camila never said those words? The most important thing was that her actions spoke volumes for her. I trusted Camila a hundred percent.

But then again…

“Oh no.” Phantasm’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

“There is no ‘oh no’ trust me. Everything’s fine.”

“She hasn’t told you she loves you, has she?”

I groaned and quickly grabbed my phone. “It doesn’t matter, okay? We’re happy together and that’s more than enough for me.”

“Uh huh,” she said, pursing her lips. I swear if Phantasm wasn’t inside my phone I would’ve left her in my room. “Are you guys even dating?”

“What? Of course we are! We’re even going on a date today.”

“No you dimwit,” she said, placing her palm on her face. “Like is she officially your girlfriend?”

“Of cou—”

“Or are you guys just basically two friends hanging out?”

That’s… a good question. “But—but she kissed me.”

“If I kiss you right now does that mean we’re dating?”

“You’re on my phone, how would you kiss me?”

“I mean hypothetically if I—”

“You don’t even like me.”

“But if I did.”

“Wait you like me?”

“Oh my god.” I watched as Phantasm slid her hands into her hair and gave them a not-so-gentle tug. “What does Camila see in you?”

“Look,” I said, catching her attention again, “she might not have told me she loved me… or made it official that we’re together… but I trust her.” I cursed myself because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t completely hide the doubt on my voice.

Phantasm sighed and crossed her arms. “Okay how about this. For you to get your wishes for today, I want you to find out the real status of your relationship with Camila.”

“Hey now, that’s not fair.”

“It shouldn’t be hard. Plus this is also for you, Y/N. If she says you guys are exclusively dating then bravo to you. But I don’t want you to blindly assume things because of your own delusions. I’ve had enough of listening to your incessant crying.” She shrugged. “Plus I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

“Is this your roundabout way of telling me you care about me?”

Phantasm rolled her eyes. “Just do it, okay?”

“I will. Then you’ll see how wrong you are. I trust Camila and I know she feels the same about me as I do about her.”

“You know you sound like you’re foreshadowing something bad, right?”

I laughed at Phantasm’s remarks and decided to end our conversation. Not because I was getting annoyed but mainly because the warning bells in my head were louder than ever now.

-//-//-//-//-//-

14 hours ago

I glanced at my watch once I parked the car in front of the girls’ house.

There were about fifteen minutes left before I was supposed to pick Camila up. I had to admit, I was really excited for this particular date. My plan was to take her on a romantic stroll in the Santa Monica pier and maybe even ride the ferris wheel. Of course I knew there was going to be a lot of people there so I wished ahead of time that it be filled with the minimal amount of people. I wasn’t wishing for it to be deserted, that was going to be scary. It took me three wishes to make sure the ambience and location would be perfect.

More importantly, this was the day I was going to ask Camila to be my girlfriend so everything needed to be memorable.

After mulling over my plan a little bit more, I decided to get out of the car and get Camila. Dinah opened the door and asked me to come in.

“Mila is still upstairs,” she said.

“Dinah who is it?” Normani poked her head in the foyer and waved at me. “Hey Y/N! Here to pick Camila up for the party?”

Since Camila didn’t want her bandmates to know about us, she decided to tell them that she was going to another party for her song with Shawn and I was invited too. By now, the girls weren’t bothered by it anymore and last I heard, Camila and Lauren already apologized to each other and saved their friendship.

“Yeah, is she ready?”

“Who knows? That girl ain’t got a sense of time.”

“Oh and you do?” Normani quipped. Dinah glared at her as she just laughed.

“She’s right though, Dinah.”

“Why you always gotta bully me, Mani?” Dinah said, quickly tickling Normani. The older girl screamed and ran off, with Dinah right behind her.

I took that as my cue to climb upstairs and walk to Camila’s room. Before I got to her, however, a lone closed door caught my attention. I remembered that it was Lauren’s room from the last time I visited. We never really had a proper talk since the time she screamed at Camila. I didn’t give it much thought at first but now, I began to wonder if I did something for her to act this way.

Before I could think about it any further, my attention shifted towards a mumbled conversation inside Camila’s room. Careful not to make a noise, I made my way closer until I saw that the door was slightly ajar. I caught sight of Camila and Ally standing in front of each other.

“Why, Ally? Why should I be the one that has to sacrifice?” Camila’s voice was gravelly, like she’s been speaking for hours nonstop. Or she has so many emotions she’s trying to hold back.

“Mila, I’m not saying you’re wrong. What I’m saying is you should wait or talk it out with Lauren before doing this.”

In an instant, my curiosity was piqued. What is there to talk about? And why does Camila need to sacrifice?

I watched Camila run her hands through her hair in exasperation. “She doesn’t have a claim on anything, Ally. I can do what I want, we’re all adults here.”

“Yes, we are. So need I remind you that you even promised her you would help? But what did you do instead?” Ally stayed calm throughout her exchange with Camila. She looked like a mother scolding her daughter.

“What do you want me to do then?”

“Talk to Lauren, Mila. Tell her what you feel. She trusted you and you didn’t even respect that.”

Camila let out a bitter chuckle. “Of course you’re siding with her.”

“Only because you’re the one in the wrong here. You basically stabbed her in the back. You knew her feelings and yet you took that knife and plunged it deep.” Ally sighed and disappeared from my view. “Lauren considered you her best friend so please understand the hurt she’s going through. You basically threw away your friendship for her.”

Wait, who the fuck were they talking about?

I was so taken aback by Ally’s words that I didn’t notice my arm swing towards a vase. It fell on the floor, shattering into numerous pieces.

“Shit,” I whispered. I bent down and carefully grabbed the pieces one by one.

“Y/N?”

I looked up and saw both Camila and Ally watching me. “Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going and accidentally bumped the table. I apologize, I’ll clean it in a moment.”

Ally gave me a soft smile and placed her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. You and Camila have somewhere to go, right? You guys are gonna be late. Drive safe.”

I stood up and smiled at Camila. But she ignored me and looked at Ally instead. They exchanged a meaningful glance before Camila walked past me and down the stairs. I briefly glanced at Ally and noticed her sad smile. There was no doubt their earlier exchange made the air between them heavy. But at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with me so I made myself forget about it.

However, even as I drove away towards our date, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something wrong with the way Camila looked thoughtful as she looked outside the window.

The warning bells weren’t just in my head anymore—but even in my heart.

-//-//-//-//-//-

11 hours ago

The pier looked majestic under the night sky.

Lights were littered all around, from the stalls to the rides, and illuminated the dark ocean below. As I requested, there weren’t that many people to bother us. I don’t know how Phantasm did it but people weren’t even taking pictures of us. How cool would it be if I actually wished for superpowers? That would be so awesome.

It took me a minute before I realized that Camila wasn’t walking beside me anymore. Once I turned around, I immediately saw her near the edge of the pier looking out at the ocean. I didn’t join her yet and decided to study her for a bit.

Her hair was slowly moving along with the breeze when she decided to flip her hair to the side. My heart jumped at the sight. Camila really was beautiful, both inside and out. Everyday she showed me why I was right to fall in love with her. Just thinking of the possibility that I can spend the rest of my life with her was enough to make my heart race.

But then her eyes pulled me back to reality. Since we’ve arrived here and even during dinner, her eyes were filled with a heaviness I couldn’t discern. She was harboring so much sadness for someone so young. I couldn’t help but think that this had something to do with what she and Ally talked about earlier but I couldn’t ask her about it. I wasn’t even supposed to hear it. I just wanted her to have fun and yet… she looked like she was about to fall apart.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Camila glanced at me and smiled. It didn’t even reach her eyes. “I was just thinking about ocean waves again.”

“Ahh,” I uttered. I stood next to her, looking at the ocean too. “Is there something wrong? You’ve been out of it ever since we got here.”

“Oh… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

I shot her a quick smile. “It’s no big deal. I just want to know if you’re okay or not.”

“I’m fine.” I looked at her again and she looked far from fine.

“Camila you know you can tell me anything, right? I’m always here f—”

“Someone took something from me.” Her outburst was so sudden that I had to backtrack our conversation to try and find if I missed a cue or something. “Technically it’s not mine but I’ve always wanted it. I’ve even told her I wanted it. She told me she would help me. But she ended up taking it from me instead.”

“What? Why would she?”

Camila sighed. “Because she wanted it for herself.”

“Well that was selfish of her,” I said. Whoever that girl was, she needed to give back what she took from Camila. This must be what she and Ally were talking about earlier. I can’t believe Ally would side with the other girl when it was Camila’s first.

“Why?” Camila asked. “Why is it selfish when it wasn’t mine in the first place?”

“Because friends shouldn’t take something the other wants. She should’ve helped you especially since she promised.” I shook my head and crossed my arms. “I can’t believe she would go behind your back like that.”

Camila studied me and smiled. “You hate that kind of girl right?”

“Well… I don’t know her,” I answered, scratching my head. “But I guess yeah.”

Camila nodded and looked back at the ocean. “You’re right. She did become a selfish bitch.”

I asked Camila who it was so we could get back what she lost. But she didn’t tell me anything about whoever the girl was. I didn’t know when the thought crossed my mind or why it did but I began to realize just how problematic our relationship was. Here I was putting all my feelings in front of her and Camila keeps me in the dark about almost everything. She hasn’t told me about her feelings and when she talks to me, there’s always things she holds back. If she wanted our relationship to work, she needed to tell me everything right now.

“Camila, I—”

“Let’s ride—” She looked at me and smiled. “Sorry, you go first, Y/N.”

“No, I—you go. What did you want to say?”

“I want to ride the ferris wheel,” she said, pointing to the large contraption at the end of the pier. I nodded and walked with her. Since there weren’t a lot of people around, there wasn’t a line for the ride. We comfortably sat across each other as the wheel slowly lifted us up to the apex.

All my doubts and inhibitions disappeared for a while as I looked outside. I’m sure the view from here was also incredible during the morning but there was just something magical about looking down at the glittering city with the night sky surrounding you. And as I looked at Camila, I knew she felt the same. The sadness in her eyes was replaced by child-like wonder, along with her innocent smile. I felt nothing but happiness that I got to experience this with her.

We steadily went up and I realized we were near the top. Camila was still looking out at the window when my thoughts from the boardwalk came back. In addition to that, Phantasm’s words echoed in my head. I didn’t admit it then but I actually agree with her. I also wanted to know what the status of my relationship with Camila was.

“Hey, Camila,” I called out.

“Yeah?” She turned to me, that innocent smile still plastered on her face.

“Thanks for being here with me.”

“Thanks for bringing me here, I really appreciate it. I had fun tonight.”

My palms were getting sweaty and I almost wanted to back out but I knew this was something I had to overcome. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure. What is it?”

I cleared my throat and threw caution to the wind. “Camila you know how I feel about you. That’s why I was so happy when you kissed me that night. Because I thought finally you’ve accepted my feelings. And these past few days have been the highlight of my life. You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I wanna make it official.”

I took a deep breath before saying the next words. “Camila, will you go out with me?”

“What?”

I had to blink a few times before I could process Camila’s response. It wasn’t the usual answer to that type of question for sure but still I need to push through this minor setback and finally put a label on our relationship.

“You know… be my girlfriend? No more hiding from your bandmates. Exclusively dating.”

Camila looked at me like I just asked her to solve trigonometry. There wasn’t a hint of emotion on her face whatsoever. If my heart raced because of my love for Camila before, now it was racing because of my anxiousness. I only had two possibilities in mind for this: she says no or she says yes.

But her silence was an alternate answer I wasn’t prepared for.

She looked out the window and closed her eyes. We were already descending and I began to think about what would happen after this fiasco. It was probably gonna be fucking awkward again. But thinking about it now, it wouldn’t get awkward if Camila would just fucking say something.

I pressed the heel of my palm on my chest in hopes of calming my heart down but to no avail. Just when I thought I was gonna be driving in silence again, Camila opened her eyes and looked at me directly.

Her eyes were pure ice, enough to send shivers down my skin. The wonder in her eyes disappeared and was replaced by a steady, hardened stare like those of store front mannequins. However, her chilling eyes weren’t the ones that killed me that night, but those of her once sweet words, now the weapons that destroyed me.

“This,” she said, motioning to the two of us, “is not and will never be what you think it is.”

“Wh—what?”

Camila crossed her arms and I could see her clenched fists slightly shaking. “You want to know the truth? Here it is. I don’t love you and I never will.”

“But—but—you kissed me…”

“I was curious and I figured I owed you for getting me out of the studio. That’s why I kissed you.”

“C—curious?” I could barely hear my voice anymore. I could barely think anymore.

“Yeah. You’ve loved me for so long that I thought I’d have fun and see what it was like being with you. So I kissed you and hung out with you a few times. It was fun but now it’s not anymore.”

“What are you—”

“Don’t you get it, Y/N?!” she yelled. The tone of her voice made me jolt up straight on my seat. “I’m done with you. You were just something to pass the time, so I had someone on my side. I never cared for you, I never loved you. Everything I did was because I used you, that’s it. So stop pushing your love in my direction and just leave me alone!”

The door suddenly opened and Camila immediately ran out and away from me.

“Umm miss, it’s time to get out now.” His voice seemed to get farther and farther again until I felt that I was ascending again.

I wanted to cry. But the shock hadn’t worn off yet so I just stared at the spot where a minute ago, Camila was sitting happily, looking out at the city. My brain played her words over and over again until all of them were practically tattooed on my heart.

She used me. She was just curious.

They shouldn’t make sense. And yet they did. The way Camila always guards things from me, it’s because she was just having fun with me. I should thank her, I had fun too. A bitter chuckle escaped my lips. Phantasm would have a field day with this. She’d tell me I’m a love-deficient cactus over and over again. And I would let her, she won after all. She wanted to find out what Camila thought of our relationship? Well here it fucking is.

No tears fell that night. That’s when I realized that what Camila did hurt so fucking much that I became numb. And that’s the worst feeling in the world. Because when you cry, you cry out some of the pain with it. But when you’re numb—all of that pain just accumulates inside you like a dam waiting to explode.

I’ve never felt so alone… so completely and utterly lost. But the punchline of it all was that this was just the beginning, the beginning of the pain, the suffering, and the endless line of emotions that were in store for me.

-//-//-//-//-//-

Present Time

A lone tear rolled down my cheek before I could stop it.

I sniffled and wiped it away roughly. All of a sudden I missed not being able to remember anything. Because all the emotions that I drowned out when I was drunk came back all at once.

“Yeah, I remember now. Camila said that.”

Phantasm’s face was full of pity which hurt me more than reassure me. If I just listened to her, none of this would’ve happened. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me, not when I blindly put my trust on someone who just stomped on my heart in the end. What’s more pathetic is that I can feel deep down I still loved Camila.

I am a fucking pathetic mess.

“Do you remember what happened after that?”

I shook my head. “No but I assume I got drunk?”

“Yeah…”

“And then what?”

Phantasm bit her lip before finally answering. “I can… show you.”

I nodded and watched Phantasm bring up a video on my phone. I saw myself, sitting on the beach with bottles littered around me. “Where is this?”

“Still in Santa Monica,” Phantasm answered in the background. “You wished for all of those.”

Finally she played the video and I watched myself laughing as I scooped up sand on my hands and let them slip through my fingers.

“What do I do now? It’s all over now!" I said with a laugh.

"Y/N you’re drunk please don’t wish for anymore." So I was talking to Phantasm and wishing for alcohol.

"No! Mind your own business you genie. She’s gone and I’m gonna drink all this pain awayyyy!”

“I don’t remember any of this,” I said. Phantasm doesn’t say anything and just lets the video play.

“She told me that she used me. Did you hear that? She USED me. What am I? A fucking garden tool?”

“No, no you’re not, Y/N.”

“Tell that to her then! I gave her everything I had. I was always here for her every step of the way but she tells me she just used me.”

My chest tightened at the sight of myself from last night. I might not remember what happened but the emotions were still fresh and I could feel them throughout my whole body.

“Why does Camila always hurt me? Why does she keep all these secrets? Why do I have to be the only one who feels all this pain? Why why why why why?”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

I watched as I grabbed the phone beside me and groggily stood up on the shore. With Phantasm on one hand and a bottle in the other, I started walking unsteadily. While walking, I did nothing but call out Camila’s name over and over again and take a swig of alcohol. The more time passed by, it was getting harder and harder for me to watch myself lose it because of a single girl.

I was about to tell Phantasm to stop when my unsteady steps finally caught up with me and I tripped, landing face first on the soft sand. I managed to save my phone but the alcohol I was drinking spilled on the ground. I rolled over and realized I was sobbing as the sand clung around on my face.

“It hurts so much, Phantasm," I said amidst tears.

"I know, Y/N, I know. Just hang in there.”

“I just want the pain to stop. Please make it stop. Please.”

“Y/N I want to so badly. But I just can’t make it disappear just like I couldn’t make you rich without a job. There needs to be a real way for the pain to disappear.”

It seemed like I ignored Phantasm’s words because I just stayed there under the moonlight, crying my eyes out.

“Camila…" I didn’t pay much attention to her name because I’ve been calling her out since the video started. But it was what I said next that made my heart drop.

”…is the source.“

"What?" Phantasm said.

"The reason for all this pain and all this suffering is Camila. If I wished something that included her then this would all disappear.”

“What—what are you planning?”

“Because she used me and because she just wanted to have fun, she sacrificed my happiness for her own. So to stop this, I just have to wish for the only thing that can make me happy.”

I racked my brain for what I meant but even before I could come up with a possibility, I heard Phantasm shout.

“No! Don’t do it, Y/N! You’ll regret it!”

“I just want the pain to stop.”

“I know, I know you do but this is not the right way. Y/N you’re drunk, your decisions are not the best right now. Please just—”

“SHUT UP! You’re not the one who feels like fucking shit!”

“Y/N please don’t do this.”

“I wish…”

“Y/N! Listen to me! Nothing good is gonna come out of this!”

“You’re wrong. Something good IS gonna come out of this." I wiped my tears and cast a hardened glare towards Phantasm. "I’ll finally be happy.”

“Y/N, don’t you dare!" Phantasm’s voice cracked and I began to wonder if she was crying at that point.

"I wish…”

“Y/N STOP!”

The moment I said the next words, I felt my blood run cold. I wanted to scream, to let out all the emotions I felt at that moment but my mouth felt dry. My hands were shaking as I slowly placed them on my face. There were too many things to be said and yet I couldn’t utter a single one.

Little did I know at that moment how dangerous that wish was. Or how it would start a chain of events I couldn’t stop that would lead to my inevitable fall. Weakly, I tried to tell myself that I misheard. But as I played the video back and listened intently, I knew there was no denying it any longer.

“I wish Camila Cabello was in love with me.”

[almightygodismydependence-blog]

Resolving the “Cold War” Makes My Life Even Happier!

Tian Yu

When I got married, my family advised me that “All lay loads on the willing horse,” that after marriage, I must be in charge so that I’m not taken advantage of, so that my life will be fulfilled and happy. So, after marriage, I always wanted to be in charge and that whatever I said would go. In the beginning, my husband would consult me for all matters big and small in our home. But as time went on, he would often not consult with me, but do things according to his will. Because of this, I felt rather unhappy. I felt that my husband didn’t take me seriously. I thought, “If things continue like this, I wouldn’t have a place to stand on in this family.” In order that I could be in charge, I would often sulk and ignore my husband until he softened and said nice things to me, and things only ended when I was satisfied.

One year, during the Spring Festival, my husband consulted with me to kill the pig we had at home. I said we’d feed it for a few more days. At the time, he agreed with me completely. But I didn’t expect that the next morning the pig butcher came. At the time, I pretended as if nothing was wrong and greeted him until the pig was killed, but then I complained to my husband that he didn’t consult with me beforehand. My husband kept explaining to me the reason the butcher had to come earlier, but I couldn’t listen to him at all. No matter how he explained, I ignored him. In order to get on my good side, when I was doing work, he purposefully came over to help me, but I kept my unpleasant expression. In the end, he had to leave dejectedly. Looking at him leaving helplessly, I felt very miserable too. Why are we suffering like this? Why couldn’t I have given him a way out without embarrassing him? But then I thought that there is still a long way ahead of us. If I relent easily now, then he wouldn’t take notice of me at all. How could I be in charge of the house then? No, I cannot relent so easily. So, even though I really wanted to make up with my husband and didn’t want to continue our stalemate, I still held on sternly. No matter how he apologized, I didn’t speak to him until he pleaded me and promised that next time he would definitely consult with me. Only then did I condescend to speak to him.

But in daily life, these kinds of trivial things were too many to count. Because of this, there were rarely happiness and joy in our life. Most of the time was spent waging a cold war. Seeing my cold face every day, my child spoke very carefully. My husband would sigh and groan every day, and I would feel wronged. I thought that my husband didn’t understand me and my child didn’t obey me, and because of this, I would often cry by myself until midnight…. I also felt that this life of waging a cold war is too miserable and too tiring, but I could not control my own heart.

In 2003, I believed in God. Through the fellowship of brothers and sisters and reading God’s word, I realized that these things I was doing, such as often being angry toward my husband and ignoring him because of my temper, were the corrupt disposition of Satan and the result of Satan’s poison planted deep within my heart. If I wanted to stop being controlled by these corrupt dispositions, I had to achieve transformation through reading God’s word, experiencing God’s word, and practicing God’s word. Therefore, I enthusiastically read God’s word and partook in church life, hoping that my corrupt disposition could be transformed.

One morning, my fourth big brother-in-law said to me: “Some time ago, I borrowed some money from my brother (my husband), but I’ve come to repay it today.” Saying that, he handed me the money. After he left, I thought, holding the money, that my husband had dared to lend the money to somebody else without consulting me, and my anger rose immediately. I wanted nothing more than to reason with him right then. In the evening, when he got home, I asked him sternly: “Do you even care about me anymore? You’ve lent money to somebody else without even telling me. Who do you take me for in this house? Am I invisible to you? …” I got angrier and angrier, and no matter how he explained, I would not listen to him. The following day, my husband approached me and spoke to me. I glared at him and ignored him, and he felt very awkward. Looking at his awkward expression, I felt guilty inside. I thought: This isn’t actually something too serious. Besides, the brother-in-law has already returned the money, and I am a bit overdoing it by not relenting at all. Moreover, I am a believer in God. God asks us to live out normal humanity, to have the likeness of a Christian. What I am doing do not have the likeness of a Christian. But when I thought that my husband did things without consulting me and that he didn’t care about me, I felt frustrated in my heart. I thought that if I don’t let him suffer a little this time, then he’ll ignore me more and more in the future. So, although I felt miserable, I still hardened my heart and didn’t relent.

Later, I saw God’s word say: “Cruel, brutal mankind! The conniving and intrigue, the jostling with each other, the scramble for reputation and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? God has spoken hundreds of thousands of words, yet no one has come to their senses. … How many do not act for the sake of their own interests? How many do not oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status?” (“The Wicked Must Be Punished” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Isn’t God’s word referring to me? I recalled that, since I started this family, I always wanted to be in charge and in control. In every situation, I demanded that my husband must listen to me. Whatever he did must go through my approval. If he doesn’t do as I want him to, I treat him with the cold shoulder, and become short with him, using a “cold war” method to assert my authority and repress him, so that he submits to me and I achieve the goal of establishing myself. After reading God’s word, I had some knowledge and came to ask myself: Aren’t those my expressions of battling for power and position with my husband? Aren’t I repressing and pushing away my husband for the purpose of protecting my own position? I force my husband to submit to me by waging cold wars just to have him listen to me, so that I could be in charge in this household…. For more than ten years, I often had cold wars with my husband and we are miserable and tired, but it has all been caused by me. They are the bitter results brought about by fighting with my husband for position and power in order to be in charge. If I didn’t fight for my position, then I wouldn’t often have cold wars with my husband, and our family life wouldn’t be this painful. All of this is caused by my pursuit of position and power! The revelation in God’s word allowed me to discover the root of cold wars in our house and brought me a path to practice. Therefore, I decided to change my faulty pursuit and lower myself to make up with my husband.

In the evening, when my husband came home, I wanted to take the initiative and talk to him. But then I thought: If I relent like this, then would he still have a place for me in his heart in the future? Would he just ignore me even more? But if I don’t practice the truth, I feel my humanity is too bad, and God would be displeased…. After turning the thought over and over in my mind, in the end I still ignored him. Because my heart had hardened and I did not practice the truth, I was very tormented inside, so I came before God and prayed: “God, I wish to practice the truth and release from the bindings of Satan’s influence, but I cannot succeed in putting this into practice. I am always concerned about my position in my home. God, I hope that You would guide me and help me so that I can practice the truth.” After praying, I felt I had a bit of confidence and will to practice the truth. During dinner, I summoned up my courage and said to my husband, red-faced, “This time it’s my fault. You already explained things properly, but I’m still unrelenting….” After he listened to me, he let out a long sigh, and said: “This is so surprising. I thought that this cold war would stale for a long time. I really didn’t think it would be over so quickly.” Hearing his words, in my heart I couldn’t stop thanking God’s guidance, because without His guidance I could not have practiced this at all.

I’ve tasted the sweetness of practicing the truth and seen God’s guidance and blessing, and I have recognized that God asks us to live out normal humanity, have the conscience and reason of normal humans, conduct ourselves according to God’s word and put down our own desire for status so that we can shake off Satan’s bindings and control. So, I decided not to let the family “cold war” continue. When I encountered things, I wanted to put down my own desire for status and take the initiative in making up with my husband. In my subsequent relationship with my husband, I began to practice implementing God’s word. From then on, our house was full of laughter and joy.

One day in January 2008, I heard my husband on the phone where somebody asked him about a loan. I asked him about it casually, and he stuttered for a moment and said: “Um, it’s from the bank.” Seeing him stutter as he spoke, I asked him what he did with the loan. He said a bit impatiently: “Last July I did business together with somebody else, and because we didn’t have enough capital we took out a loan…. Stop being bothered about this.” When I heard that he didn’t want me to bother about it, an anger welled up inside me. I said: “Do you still treat me as a member of this family? You didn’t even talk to me about such a serious situation, and when I found out you told me not to interfere. Do you still care about me at all?” Seeing that I was getting angrier and angrier, he didn’t say anything. I got so angry that I ignored him again. Seeing me like this, my husband didn’t talk to me and simply turned his head and left. I sat down angrily on the chair and thought: Haven’t I done enough for this home? I worry over everything in this house, great and small, and you’re really taking me for granted…. As I was thinking, wounded tears began to flow down my cheeks. At this point, I suddenly realized that I was living in Satan’s deception, so I began to silently pray to God inside my heart: “God! I am now living under Satan’s influence again. I hope You can help me walk out from Satan’s influence….” After praying, I felt a bit calmer. I opened the book of God’s word and saw that God said: “Your heart and your spirit have been taken away by the evil one. … You have lost everything that should have belonged to you and everything that the Almighty bestowed upon you. You have entered an endless sea of bitterness, with no strength of a rescue, no hope of survival, left only to struggle and to bustle about…. The evil one steers your heart in every matter and becomes your life. You no longer fear him, no longer avoid him, no longer doubt him. Instead, you treat him as the God in your heart. You begin to enshrine him, worship him, be inseparable like a shadow of his, and mutually commit to each other in life and death” (“The Sighing of the Almighty” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). “Those whose belief in God is always for their own gains, who are self-righteous and haughty, who show themselves off, and protect their own status are those who love Satan and oppose the truth. They resist God and belong completely to Satan” (“Escape From the Influence of Darkness and You Will Be Gained by God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). God’s words’ revelation and judgment let me feel deeply that God is worried and pained about me, as I could not practice the truth or forsake Satan. Now, I remembered Adam and Eve, whom God had created in the beginning. They originally listened to God’s word and obeyed God, they had God’s care and protection, and lived happily in the Garden of Eden. Later, because they listened to Satan’s lies that lured and confused them, they betrayed God, lost God’s guidance and blessing, and fell into Satan’s corruption and affliction. I thought about why I lived so tiredly. Why did I always get angry and have cold wars with my husband over little things in the household? Isn’t it because of the satanic poisons that my family instilled in me, “All lay loads on the willing horse,” “Only I am the ruler,” and “Be in charge of the household” that have controlled me? Under the control of these satanic principles of living and life philosophy, I always wanted a position at home where whatever I said would go, I always wanted to have the advantage, so that my husband listened to me on every matter. If there was just one thing he didn’t listen to me about or didn’t consult me on, I would repress him at every step until he submitted to me, leading both of us to live in Satan’s deception, making me cry, wipe my tears, and feel wronged very often. My husband complained and sighed, and even our child did things carefully every day while reading my expression…. I’ve been fooled by Satan and I’m living so miserably and tiredly! At this point, I came to understand this: Only when people live in God’s word do they have God’s care and protection and they can live happily. Once people leave God’s word and live by Satan’s life philosophy and rules of living, they do not have God’s care and protection, and can only be prosecuted and trampled on by Satan. This is the source of my painful life. At the same time I hated Satan in my heart, I hated my own incompetence. I had God’s word yet I did not practice it. Instead, I held on to Satan’s lies and didn’t let go of them. Isn’t this bringing about my own suffering? So, I determined to toss away Satan’s lies and live by God’s word. I saw God’s word again: “What testimony will you be asked to give? You live in a land of filth but are able to become holy, and no longer be filthy and impure, you live under the domain of Satan but divest yourself of Satan’s influence, and not possessed or harassed by Satan, and you live in the hands of the Almighty. This is the testimony, and the proof of victory in the battle with Satan” (“The Inside Truth of the Conquering Work (2)” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Seeing God’s word, I understood God’s will is that I can bear a witness for God before Satan. Although there is still Satan’s life philosophy in me as well as desire for status, today God has established this situation so that I could practically forsake these satanic poisons and be victorious over Satan’s dark influence through practicing God’s word. This is practically witnessing God. I have to look at things according to God’s word and practice His word. I cannot let Satan lead me by the nose again. When I had a will to practice the truth, I felt especially released in my heart, and I had the confidence and strength to practice God’s word.

Soon, my husband came back, and I promptly asked him: “Do you have enough money? I still have some money here, take it and use it.” After hearing it, my husband happily said, “You’ve changed. You’re not like before, when I had to submit to you before you would relent.” I said happily: “Thank God! It’s God’s word that changed me.”

One day, I cooked while humming hymns of God’s word. When the meal was ready, I called my son and husband to eat. Seeing that I was smiling, my son said happily: “In our house, as long as mom is smiling, the house is full of happiness.” Hearing this, I said smiling: “Mom’s happiness was brought about by God. Only by living by God’s word do we have true happiness.” My husband chimed in: “Now mom’s face is so bright and less gloomy.” Hearing their words, I kept thanking God in my heart, because the happy life we have at home now was brought about by God.

Recalling these few years that I’ve walked alongside God, although I used to deeply suffer from the affliction of satanic poisons such as “Be in charge of the household,” “All lay loads on the willing horse,” “Only I am the ruler,” which made our house full of misery and sighs, yet now, because of God’s selection and grace, I could have the fortune to return before God and experience the chastisement and judgment of God’s word. I can distinguish between positive and negative things, and I have a new understanding regarding what true life is. Because of the guidance of God’s word, not only did I turn around my previous, false perspective and found the correct life direction and goal, I can also discern Satan’s evil substance, and I can live while no longer being reliant on Satan’s poison and have a happy, joyful life. Now, I can proudly say bye bye to family “cold wars”!

[etirabys]

documentation of psychological changes: talking about schoolwork, medication, weed, therapy type things

Re-evaluated courseload and dropped the really difficult required one. Spent half an hour getting increasingly stressed, reorganizing courses along three different options – what's my schedule for the next three quarters if I take this (difficult but not as difficult, less interesting) other required course instead? what if I take a fourth quarter? What if I try to take it this quarter anyway? Reasoning that I could identify by the most desirable/reasonable future and stick with that one's schedule. Was a third of a way to tears when I left for the easier class that I hadn’t decided then to replace my hard class with.

On the physically unpleasant, angrily-squinting-against-rain bike ride to class, I first had a couple minutes of thinking about unrelated stuff (philosophy) but with the same unhappy frantic pace of thought, and then my brain kind of calmed down and said, look, this class I'm heading towards is something I want to take, the class I'm dropping is also something I want to take, I'm stressing out because I want to fit in all my requirements to graduate as soon as possible, but is that really how I want to do school? I've prepared over break to start this quarter at a sprint and get a lot out of it – I'm finally in a place where I have the ability and mindset to really get something out of school. Why am I in such a hurry to leave – should that be a priority?

...and it was clear from about a couple dozen seconds of thinking that the answer to this was no, for me. So, all right. I'll take an extra quarter. I want to take an extra quarter. There are things I want to do and have irl that aren't compatible with school, but I'll get to those. The anxious voice that says "yes but shouldn't I –" is... not something I need, once I've come to that conclusion. 

So. That's nice. This is also the kind of thinking that I was plain incapable of six months ago. This way of stepping back and actually figuring out what's important and what I really want to do. I have a similar new ability where I have a super unproductive line of thought and I can usually kind of bat it away because it is super unproductive. I did it last night while I was worrying about my units – I need to sleep now, this is something to deal with next morning, I'll stop thinking about it.

I have a better general ability to identify and think and do what is good for me. Where did this come from?

It definitely started when I got on Ritalin, which has feel-good effects, and I remember this kind of... sudden clarity  / better knowledge about tasks and values and objectives. Like which ones were important. Which ones could be done how. When everything was undoable and hopeless it was one uniform dense list of stuff that was unsatisfactory in my life and I had no real intention of changing anything on it because it was undoable and hopeless. When they started being doable they started having gradations. That was the first thing. The second was that I started being invested in my happiness – like I want to graduate at my leisure* because I want my education to fulfill me or something, and I have expectations for myself as someone who's majoring in computer science that haven't been met yet with the classes I've taken so far, and graduating three months earlier or later really doesn't make a difference on the timescales I've started to think of my life in. Six months ago I wasn't capable of thinking about my life a decade from now. Life was just something that happened to me; where the waves buffeted me was their business.

*furious leisure, of course

An odd second chemical factor is marijuana. Weed is, broadly, not good for me. It's way too easy to use when I'm stressed, it makes me noticeably unsocial for about twelve hours, and I don't intend to have any around me this quarter. I did not use it in any productive way before starting Ritalin. When I'm on it and Ritalin – not necessarily at the same time, just when the windows of influence are overlapping – about half of the time, I'm doing some sort of behavioral therapy to myself all the time. Really obvious babying stuff that used to just annoy me when  sober. "Is thinking about this subject stressing me out? I don't need another justification to switch to another topic." or "Huh, I have this unpleasant emotion, can I figure out why?" or "I notice I regularly do this thing that has a bad effect.  I should stop doing it / find a way to do it less." in this very singleminded, no-dithering way. And I write a lot when high, so I record all this and actually do follow through.

I think I've cumulatively spent about ten to fifteen hours doing this kind of self-therapy while mildly high – two thirds of it last quarter, one third of it in the past week. When I started doing it last quarter, it was not directed or intentional – I was on a low dose of Ritalin, I was behind on work, I would fail to concentrate on or understand my work for a few consecutive hours and get so unhappy that I wanted to be unconscious, but since I wasn't sleepy I would get high. And one time while high, I noticed that I was unhappy. Which I had noticed before, it was really obvious. But I noticed I was unhappy in large part because I was high and procrastinating. And I wanted to be happy, which felt like a really new thought. So I should structure my life and space and habits so that was easier. I opened up a text file and brainstormed things I could do to improve my workflow, and strategies I could try before getting high if I was miserable in the evenings. And I explicitly wrote that I should forgive myself if I got high again when it was a bad idea, because I was noticing that blaming myself for that never actually worked for preventing it next time and just made me feel shitty. And I was tired of feeling shitty.

 A week later, I was high again but even more miserable (school wasn't going well) and I just reevaluated how much good having weed around was doing me, decided my emotions about it were too obsessive, and I threw all of it out. It was great. I took out the trash kind of calmly and joyfully, knowing this was the last time in a while I was going to be high. The quarter didn't go great after that, I took a leave – not a choice I made without ambivalent, but I did make it clear-headedly and it turned out to be a great idea. 

I acquired one cartridge in Washington my last week – before I did so I prodded all the "is this a good idea" (and follow-up "am I lying to myself") buttons, and the answer I got in the end was "not the greatest idea, but my thoughts around it don't have that obsessive edge they have when I'm trying to use it to escape the horribleness of everything, and I definitely miss the kind of creative writing I do on it. I am okay if I don't and okay if I do". I brought it back with me and used a small amount because I was having trouble with my appetite and I was getting legitimately worried about how little I was eating. I hate this cycle of okay use flaring into bad use when I'm under pressure, and I get dramatically more out of vaping when it's actually a choice, so I'm handing the cartridge off to a friend tonight, but I really appreciate how easily and... healthily... I made the decision about my courses today, and I think having vaped some yesterday for dinner was a factor. Or more specifically, the six or so hours of aggressively positive/productivity-focused thinking that dominated my thoughts before I went to sleep.

Some miscellaneous thoughts.

I don't know how to quantify how much good those cumulative hours have done me. A lot of them were intense hours, in that I was doing something in my head that I had never done before, i.e. root out undesirable thought patterns, beliefs, habits, strategies, and values. I'm pretty sure hour for hour they were at least ten times as useful as any therapy I've ever done, and they were twice as useful as the best therapy session I can imagine. I may have naturally done this more slowly, as a background process, if I'd never brought marijuana into it. But I've also heard the best stuff is therapy of some sort plus the correct medication. I haven't been getting great literal therapy, and I think it would be odd if I became this well adjusted in six months on the effects of medication alone. 

Usually it's LSD or MDMA involved when people anecdotally talk about ameliorating their badbrains with self therapy on drugs or with a friend who knows what they're doing. Maybe those are good for having revelations or doing more heavyweight judo with your emotions? I am not sure.

I am never going to laugh at a self help book again.* I think self help books look silly to people who doing fine with life, even sillier to people to people who are doing badly and have wrapped themselves in a dozen layers of irony and resignation, and revelatory to people who are doing so badly that they'll do anything to make their life be something else, even take with the utmost seriousness stupid truisms about forgiving yourself for your mistakes and being nice to everyone and taking a walk every day. I think I got to type three without hitting any really bad life obstacles and am somewhat surprised I did so, because this is the sort of life turnaround I expect in narratives about middle-aged people. I expect to slip occasionally, but I'm genuinely pretty dedicated to making good decisions, in the way I used to jokingly laugh about other people (not me) doing, without any intention of emulating them. I mean good decisions with relationships of all sorts, schoolwork, jobs, intellectual growth, sex, drugs. And I will make these good decisions with the kind of flabby-sounding, cheerful, unfunny sincerity, even if part of me is grinding its teeth a bit, because the alternative is being unhappy and I am tired of that.

*David Foster Wallace's ghost, on the other hand, is never going to stop laughing at me.

[notesfromthepen]

ALASKA

ALASKA

Running away never really works. But that rarely stopped me from trying.

Sometime in early 2001, me & 2 of my friends packed our bags & headed for Alaska.

The plan was to have our flight paid for by Princess Cruises, who had a mini resort in Denali Alaska. There we would stay in the employee lodging & work off our air fare and make some money while experiencing the last frontier on our days off. That was the plan at least…

Some of us made it farther along with the “plan” than others. In typical facing my plan was derailed inside my 1st week in the great white north. 

For the most part the flight was long & boring, until we reached the Alaskan mountain ranges. Upon our decent the landscape reveled itself.  Jagged, chipped, white teeth from some long forgotten beaches reached up through the clouds towards the plane. Rows & rows of teeth…for as far as the eye could see. This was not man’s territory. It soon became obvious. Nature would not provide any helping hands here. 

The unrelenting snow capped peaks seems to never end. I imagined the plane going down somewhere in the ominous terrain. Those instantly killed would be counted among the lucky. I could think of no plan, no scenario that wouldn’t end horrifically. In all that vastness I got one step closer to grasping the idea of infinity. 

Eventually we landed in Anchorage. The closest thing to civilization that Alaska had to offer. And we made the 3 1/2 hour drive into Healy Alaska.  We arrived at an old Colonial style house that had been renovated & aded on to until it looked like a somewhat suitable bed & breakfast. 

The three of us, me, Ben, and PJ, grabbed our bags & hustled into our new abode through a tucked away side door. Our path wound it’s way through the guts of the old building before spitting us out into the slash area of the house,. It was a living room / reception center / common area. 

If houses have souls then this particular one was somewhere between Edgar Alan Poe & Ted Nugent. The fixtures & ornaments were worn brass. The carpet was a deep, rich red. Which over traffic and time had added a tint not unlike the center of a red velvet cake…

Everything structural was wood. Wood covered with 30 plus years of lacquer, layer upon layer, like the rings the trees that they now covered. The walls, the doors, the staircase that divided the slash room, were all the deep dark brown of aged wood. We were directed up the staircase, to the right, 1st door on the right. The door swung open revealing 2 sets of bunk beds, a dresser, and a battle worn boom box. We claimed our beds and slung our bags onto our new plots.

The home was owned & operated by Princess Cruises Lines as a staging area for new employees from the lower 48. It was a temporary stop while went through the employee paperwork and orientation. Temporary digs…

Afterwards we’d be moved in to the employee village. But from the sound of it we still had about a week before any of that started.  A week to meet our new co-habitants, to drink, to smoke and to indulge. 

One of my favorite things about traveling is the blind casting of a path. Nothing more than an a general direction, into the ether, to discovering, converging, diverging, and crisscrossing paths of others along the way.

By sheer definition I guess fate cannot be avoided, but maybe it can be dared….

It wasn’t long before there was a knock at our door. The floor outside creaked with the weight of several people. PJ opened the door…3 of our house mates & down to be co-workers stood at the threshold. 2 girls & a guy. All seemed to be around our age…early twenties.  A blonde, Noel and a brunette, Beth…and in tow her boyfriend Abe, also with brown hair. The ladies were clearly running this welcoming party. Abe seemed to be more of an indifferent…a bystander at best. 

Noel spoke up first, claiming her position as the leader of this trio. She held up 2 bottles of wine. One of the bottles a midnight blue glass, so dark you could not tell if it was empt or full. “Someone left these as tips in one of the rooms that we cleaned today. Wanna drink?”

Absolutely! Come on in I replied. 

We passed the bottles around and got to know each other in the, no frills kind of way…like common fellow travelers. 

Noel & Beth were sisters. Noel 22 and Beth 19…and Abe, her fiancé, was 22. The trio hailed from Portland, Oregon. And like us Floridians, were Alaskan virgins. 

They were what I expected people from Portland to look like. Casually, and a bit ironically (I suppose), dressed in thrift store hip. A mild mixture of grunge and punk. 

All three were pleasantly strange and great for conversation. But Noel was really the stand out to me. She by no means was ever a head turner. A few lbs over weight, a nose on the slightly large side, and dressed somewhat frumpy. But through Noel I first discovered my attraction to quirky, witty, intelligent and funny women. 

None of this was understood by me at that time. I just knew that I liked sitting next to her. We traded self indulgent, witty & cynical remarks about who or what ever subject was currently making the rounds with the dwindling bottle of wine. 

While the others were in conversation, Noel leaned closer to me & whispered “you smoke?”  I nodded. She grabbed her bag and said come on. “We’ll be right back” she addressed to everyone in the room. Nothing more than an eye roll from her sister. We left. We snaked our way back through the path we entered. 

We sat down under a group of trees about 50 yards from the old house. She picked up a little glass bowl from under the pines. We smoked, we talked a little bit, but mostly we just took in this experience through our slightly altered filters. 

There’s an excitement, at the start of a journey, only truly known to those of us on the move. 

My senses were tingling with anticipation…not to mention some decent wine (not that I’ve even known the difference). 

While we sat there I saw a white fan, like the one that delivery vans use, pull up next to the house. Two people got out, then the van pulled away. 

Noel waved her arms, successful grabbing the attention of one of the distant figures. 

That’s Martie…she’s my roommate. Martin was the daughter of a preacher. A curvy, dark haired Southern Belle, complete with a southern drawl.

She joined us on the cold grass under the trees….Introductions were made and small talk ensued. Me & Noel continued to pass the pipe back and forth. Martin waved it away when I tried to pass it to her. 

“No, I’m alright” she said. There was the subtlest tone of insecurity in her refusal. She seemed self conscious of the idea of appearing indecent. Maybe she thought it too cliche…from a preachers daughter…maybe I was just projecting some of this on to her, or maybe it was the weed. 

Sitting there in silence, Martie unzipped her bag….revealing a 1/5 bottle of absolute vodka. “Look what I got!”…”interested?”

Never one to turn down road hospitality, both Noel and I in unison said “absolutely!”. 

Both of us simultaneously pleased with ourselves & disgusted at the other for the shitty pun…

The way back inside seemed to me, much more difficult to traverse than the time before. Luckily we had a sober Martie to guide us.

We returned to my room and the festivities were several decibels louder than when we left. Again, maybe it was the weed. 

Roughly an hour ago we were a room full of strangers, but alcohol and possibilities had transformed the mood to resemble revelry amongst life long friends…there even seemed to be inside jokes that had been established while we were away…how long had we been gone? 

Me and Noel returned with the self conciseness of being the only two stoned people in the room…

We sat on my bunk and commented on the happenings of our friends. The image of scrooge and the ghost of Xmas present, looking in through a window crossed though my mind. We addressed our awkwardness and took it’s power away, well some of it at least. We created our own inside jokes & laughed at ourselves and others…

Noel’s sister intermittently shooting not so subtle disapproving glances in her siblings direction. Our direction. The festivities continued through the night and into the next morning. One by one our new friends disappeared. 

Time has a way of getting away from you in Alaska. With not much separating night from day…it’s easy to count a 48 hour binge as a single day. A side affect, or benefit, depends on who you’re talking to, of a never setting sun.

We were in the Great White North and ready for sleep…we hung the blankets from the unused bunk over the window, to create some semblance of night. 

I hit my bunk and drifted to sleep with a slight grin. 

The next several days passed in similar manner. I grew comfortable with Noel & preferred her company most of all. We got close fast in the way that new friends do.

Our paperwork, orientation, & job assignments were complete. 

Me, Ben & PJ were in the laundry room washing endless amounts of towels, and bedding for the cabins. Noel, Beth & Abe stayed on as ‘maids’ cleaning out the rooms & preparing them for the next occupants. 

We moved in to the employee village. I kept Ben & PJ as bunnies. Noel & Martie stayed together. Beth & Abe got their own room.

The whole employee village was more than 6 acres. The cabins were not much more than 2 bunk beds and a table. Each unit connected to the next. Five on the ground level, and five on top. Making a single standing unit. Ten of these made up the entire employee housing. 

During the 1st few days I saw less of Noel. Work being the only reason…we would still make time to hang out after work though. Usually at Beth & Abe’s room. They had a 2 bed couples room. 

[focusontheeasternlightning-blog]

Resolving the “Cold War” Makes My Life Even Happier!

                                                   Tian Yu

When I got married, my family advised me that “All lay loads on the willing horse,” that after marriage, I must be in charge so that I’m not taken advantage of, so that my life will be fulfilled and happy. So, after marriage, I always wanted to be in charge and that whatever I said would go. In the beginning, my husband would consult me for all matters big and small in our home. But as time went on, he would often not consult with me, but do things according to his will. Because of this, I felt rather unhappy. I felt that my husband didn’t take me seriously. I thought, “If things continue like this, I wouldn’t have a place to stand on in this family.” In order that I could be in charge, I would often sulk and ignore my husband until he softened and said nice things to me, and things only ended when I was satisfied.

Resolving the “Cold War” Makes My Life Even Happier! One year, during the Spring Festival, my husband consulted with me to kill the pig we had at home. I said we’d feed it for a few more days. At the time, he agreed with me completely. But I didn’t expect that the next morning the pig butcher came. At the time, I pretended as if nothing was wrong and greeted him until the pig was killed, but then I complained to my husband that he didn’t consult with me beforehand. My husband kept explaining to me the reason the butcher had to come earlier, but I couldn’t listen to him at all. No matter how he explained, I ignored him. In order to get on my good side, when I was doing work, he purposefully came over to help me, but I kept my unpleasant expression. In the end, he had to leave dejectedly. Looking at him leaving helplessly, I felt very miserable too. Why are we suffering like this? Why couldn’t I have given him a way out without embarrassing him? But then I thought that there is still a long way ahead of us. If I relent easily now, then he wouldn’t take notice of me at all. How could I be in charge of the house then? No, I cannot relent so easily. So, even though I really wanted to make up with my husband and didn’t want to continue our stalemate, I still held on sternly. No matter how he apologized, I didn’t speak to him until he pleaded me and promised that next time he would definitely consult with me. Only then did I condescend to speak to him.

But in daily life, these kinds of trivial things were too many to count. Because of this, there were rarely happiness and joy in our life. Most of the time was spent waging a cold war. Seeing my cold face every day, my child spoke very carefully. My husband would sigh and groan every day, and I would feel wronged. I thought that my husband didn’t understand me and my child didn’t obey me, and because of this, I would often cry by myself until midnight…. I also felt that this life of waging a cold war is too miserable and too tiring, but I could not control my own heart.

In 2003, I believed in God. Through the fellowship of brothers and sisters and reading God’s word, I realized that these things I was doing, such as often being angry toward my husband and ignoring him because of my temper, were the corrupt disposition of Satan and the result of Satan’s poison planted deep within my heart. If I wanted to stop being controlled by these corrupt dispositions, I had to achieve transformation through reading God’s word, experiencing God’s word, and practicing God’s word. Therefore, I enthusiastically read God’s word and partook in church life, hoping that my corrupt disposition could be transformed.

One morning, my fourth big brother-in-law said to me: “Some time ago, I borrowed some money from my brother (my husband), but I’ve come to repay it today.” Saying that, he handed me the money. After he left, I thought, holding the money, that my husband had dared to lend the money to somebody else without consulting me, and my anger rose immediately. I wanted nothing more than to reason with him right then. In the evening, when he got home, I asked him sternly: “Do you even care about me anymore? You’ve lent money to somebody else without even telling me. Who do you take me for in this house? Am I invisible to you? …” I got angrier and angrier, and no matter how he explained, I would not listen to him. The following day, my husband approached me and spoke to me. I glared at him and ignored him, and he felt very awkward. Looking at his awkward expression, I felt guilty inside. I thought: This isn’t actually something too serious. Besides, the brother-in-law has already returned the money, and I am a bit overdoing it by not relenting at all. Moreover, I am a believer in God. God asks us to live out normal humanity, to have the likeness of a Christian. What I am doing do not have the likeness of a Christian. But when I thought that my husband did things without consulting me and that he didn’t care about me, I felt frustrated in my heart. I thought that if I don’t let him suffer a little this time, then he’ll ignore me more and more in the future. So, although I felt miserable, I still hardened my heart and didn’t relent.

Resolving the “Cold War” Makes My Life Even Happier! Later, I saw God’s word say: “Cruel, brutal mankind! The conniving and intrigue, the jostling with each other, the scramble for reputation and fortune, the mutual slaughter—when will it ever end? God has spoken hundreds of thousands of words, yet no one has come to their senses. … How many do not act for the sake of their own interests? How many do not oppress and discriminate against others for the sake of maintaining their own status?” (“The Wicked Must Be Punished” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). Isn’t God’s word referring to me? I recalled that, since I started this family, I always wanted to be in charge and in control. In every situation, I demanded that my husband must listen to me. Whatever he did must go through my approval. If he doesn’t do as I want him to, I treat him with the cold shoulder, and become short with him, using a “cold war” method to assert my authority and repress him, so that he submits to me and I achieve the goal of establishing myself. After reading God’s word, I had some knowledge and came to ask myself: Aren’t those my expressions of battling for power and position with my husband? Aren’t I repressing and pushing away my husband for the purpose of protecting my own position? I force my husband to submit to me by waging cold wars just to have him listen to me, so that I could be in charge in this household…. For more than ten years, I often had cold wars with my husband and we are miserable and tired, but it has all been caused by me. They are the bitter results brought about by fighting with my husband for position and power in order to be in charge. If I didn’t fight for my position, then I wouldn’t often have cold wars with my husband, and our family life wouldn’t be this painful. All of this is caused by my pursuit of position and power! The revelation in God’s word allowed me to discover the root of cold wars in our house and brought me a path to practice. Therefore, I decided to change my faulty pursuit and lower myself to make up with my husband.

In the evening, when my husband came home, I wanted to take the initiative and talk to him. But then I thought: If I relent like this, then would he still have a place for me in his heart in the future? Would he just ignore me even more? But if I don’t practice the truth, I feel my humanity is too bad, and God would be displeased…. After turning the thought over and over in my mind, in the end I still ignored him. Because my heart had hardened and I did not practice the truth, I was very tormented inside, so I came before God and prayed: “God, I wish to practice the truth and release from the bindings of Satan’s influence, but I cannot succeed in putting this into practice. I am always concerned about my position in my home. God, I hope that You would guide me and help me so that I can practice the truth.” After praying, I felt I had a bit of confidence and will to practice the truth. During dinner, I summoned up my courage and said to my husband, red-faced, “This time it’s my fault. You already explained things properly, but I’m still unrelenting….” After he listened to me, he let out a long sigh, and said: “This is so surprising. I thought that this cold war would stale for a long time. I really didn’t think it would be over so quickly.” Hearing his words, in my heart I couldn’t stop thanking God’s guidance, because without His guidance I could not have practiced this at all.

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