#also went on a tangent to see how old my blog is and APPARENTLY that’s not an easy thing to figure out AJDJJAHA

[lavaflowe]

Wait I was editing tags on some of my older posts to organize things- does that rebump it?? Cause some of my old stuff was reblogged and that’s too close together to be a coincidence

[jpegjade]

The Proposal - Spencer

Request: omg I’m so happy I found your blog!! 🤩 Can you write a fic about spence proposing to the reader? maybe in front of the team? thanks!!

Warnings: if you hate fluff, this one isn’t for you. Like hardcore fluff. Like so fluffy that you can’t help but feel bad for a second. So fluffy... You get the point, I’m sure. 

_____________

“Spencer, do we really have to go to Rossi’s party tonight? I wanted to maybe watch a movie, cuddle, cover you in kisses. I just wanted to do something cute with you. Alone.” You said in the passenger seat of the car. 

You held your boyfriend’s hand while he drove with his other hand. 

“I promise that we don’t have to stay long.” He said, smiling. 

He had been quiet for the past couple days. It was strange, really. He rarely blurted out facts, he had been extra loving, which you didn’t mind, but he had also been a little more secretive. Hiding his phone, going places without telling you, even taking calls in other rooms. You knew his job required secrecy sometimes but damn, you wanted your boyfriend back to normal. 

“You’re not cheating on me, right?” You asked him, chuckling. You knew he wouldn’t dream of anyone else the way your name fell out of his mouth when he was sleeping. 

“Yes, with Morgan. I’m so glad to get that off my chest.” He said, eyes on the road. 

“Did my boyfriend just make a joke?” You said, feigning shock. 

The rest of the ride was peaceful, the sun hanging low in the sky. You loved having an excuse to wear your sunglasses outside since you didn’t get out much anymore. There was no point wearing sunglasses inside so you put them on for selfies on the porch. 

Pulling up to the driveway, you heaved a big, sarcastic sigh, dropping your head onto Spencer’s shoulder the second he put the car in park. 

“Only a little while, right?” You asked, looking up at him. 

“Only a little while.” He confirmed. 

Over an hour later, you were still there and hoping you would leave soon. You loved Spencer and loved seeing him around his team, his family, but you were tired. You had a couple different phone calls and zoom meetings during the day and you were drained. 

One good thing that came from it was you got to stare at Aaron Hotchner all night. If Spencer was your number one, Hotch was your eye candy. He was growing out his stubble from being on an apparent forced vacation and you were in heaven. You told Spencer about your admiration of Hotch before and Spencer went on a nervous tangent about how infatuation lasts for 180 days while the feelings of love lasted much longer. Considering you had loved Spencer for 2 whole years before you even started dating, you were more than secure with your relationship. You didn’t really have a thing for Hotch. You just liked to mess with Spencer about it because there was this one night where you had a dream and it was weird to say the least. 

You forced out some laughter because someone said something genuinely funny but you were too tired to really say anything. Between Rossi’s amazing cooking and all of the socializing, you needed a break. As soon as you sat down on the couch, Spencer popped up to sit down next to you. 

“Hey, do you want to go outside? On the patio to get some air?” Spencer asked, looking at you as though he felt guilty. He knew you were tired but he just needed a little more time. 

“Okay.” You said, letting him pull you up and put his arm around your waist as you put your head on his shoulder. 

The laughter was silenced as Spencer closed the door. You sat down on the swing chair, facing the sunset. It was pretty low in the sky and you noticed something weird about Rossi’s backyard. There were string lights hanging up everywhere, slowly becoming brighter as the sun set lower. It was chilly outside so Spencer stepped inside to grab a blanket. It took him some time to come back and you were getting so tired so you curled up and let yourself doze off. Just for a little while. 

Spencer was inside, pacing. His hands tapping on his leg while he practiced his speech. He practiced it on Penelope, JJ, even Morgan after he ran it by Hotch a couple times. He had to get this right. For once, he allowed himself some wine to help him calm his nerves. Once he grabbed the blanket, he looked outside to see you on the patio, you were curled up, hands under your head, sleeping lightly. 

“Ready, pretty boy?” Morgan asked Spencer one last time. 

“What if she says no?” Spencer said in a quiet voice. He looked down at his converse, noticing how scuffed they were. He should’ve gotten some new ones. This was a special occasion, why didn’t he think of that? 

He flipped open the box one more time. The ring was simple, half a karat. He knew it was perfect because it wasn’t extravagant, it was easy to look at and nothing flashy. It was understated and mesmerizing, like you. 

“Have you talked to her about getting married before? Have you tried to think about living without her? If you can see yourself living without her then don’t do it. But I know she’s crazy about you. She texts me when you don’t answer your phone because she’s scared something happened. She has made an effort to connect with all of us, get to know your family. She visits your mom with you, although it can be painful for her because of her own family issues. She can’t see herself without you. Do you feel the same?” Morgan said, hand on Spencer’s shoulder. 

“I can’t… I can’t see the world without her smile in it. I can’t see my world as brightly without her in it, if at all. And she wants a family, just like I do. She wants to move into a house, just like I so. She wants everything I do and more. She’s a dreamer and I’m a realist. We fit together and she understands me. She wants to hear me talk and she wants to grow old with me. She wants… Me.” Spencer caught himself smiling. 

“Then get out there and tell her that, not a rehearsed speech.” Hotch said, grinning. 

Spencer didn’t realize everyone was listening to him and Morgan’s conversation. JJ and Penelope were both shedding happy tears. Spencer breathed a deep breath before going back outside. 

You woke up when you felt Spencer lay the blanket over you. A grin spread across your face because that meant he was back from socializing and it was your turn to be with him. You sat up, letting him wrap the blanket around your shoulders. You extended your arm, opening the blanket so he could sit down but he remained on one knee. 

“Baby, what are you doing? Come on.” You said, rubbing your eyes. You didn’t care that your eyeliner was getting messed up. You just wanted to rest with Spencer before going home. 

“I can’t see the world without you.” Spencer said, continuing. “I know that we’ve talked about the idea of a family in the future but I also know that we’re not in a rush. We’ve been taking things slow and I like where we are but… I’ve been thinking. What if we were more? I want to be so much more than what we are now because I love you. You are my world, you are my life. You are everything to me and I want to show you that for the rest of my life.” 

“Baby, I love to hear you talk but I’m really tired and I know your knee is hurting because you’re the dumbass that is kneeling on your leg where you got shot.” You rubbed your eyes again. “Please tell me what you’re going to tell me.” 

“Y/n,” Spencer took a deep breath. “Will you marry me?” 

You paused, not sure he was serious. He pulled out the ring box from his pocket, opening it in front of you. The ring was beautiful but all you could do was look in his eyes. They were so pretty. 

“No, you asshole.” You said, chuckling. 

“What?” He looked heartbroken. He immediately snapped the ring box closed and stood up. You stood up, holding the blanket around your shoulders. 

“I said no. No. You know why?” You said, putting your hands in your pockets. 

“Why?” He said, his voice so quiet. 

“Because I wanted to propose first.” You had to dig around in your pocket a little bit but you finally found the ring you got from your grandmother. When your grandfather passed away last year, your grandmother gave you a ring that had been passed down for generations. The women in your family had a special way to get to the punch first. 

You got down on your knee and you heard squeals in the background. You leaned over to the side to see everyone staring at you through Rossi’s glass sliding door. You chuckled as you noticed there were tears streaming down your face. 

“You what?” Spencer’s knees went weak. It was his turn to sit in the swing chair. 

“Here, I wrote a speech and everything. It’s why I wanted to spend the night at home. I was going to hide it in the bottom of your sour patch kids bag. You’re such an asshole for getting to it first.” You said, sitting in the grass. Unlike Spencer, your knees were hurting and you weren’t sticking it out for shit. He can get the message while you sit on the patio, wrapped in the cozi blanket still because damn, it was cozy.

“I’m going to read my letter to you and then we’re going to swap rings and go inside and let everyone congratulate us.” You said, pulling the piece of paper out of your other pocket. 

“Spencer,” Your voice cracked. “Son of a bitch. Wait… That wasn’t in my speech although your father is a bigass bitch. I’ll get back to it. Spencer, I hate you. You have changed my life for the better. Before you, everything was so dark. There were times when I gave up on myself because I thought I deserved every bad thing that came to me. You were so sweet and so kind from the first time we met. I remember the first thing I said to you in the bookstore. ‘Hey cutie, you got a nice booty.’ Your ass does look amazing in your pants, not gonna lie. But we’ve come such a long way from there and I want to spend every day of the rest of my life loving you. I want to show you how much I appreciate everything you have done for me. I want to be there with you through the hard nightmares when all we do is cry together because the other is in pain. I want to be there in the victories when you come home and tell me the details you can about the case, when you successfully talked someone down. I want you to hold me when it’s good. I want to hold you when it’s bad. I want…” 

Spencer got down on the ground with you, gently knocking you off balance. You fell on the ground and he kissed you before you could even finish your sentence. 

“I want you too.” He said, sitting up. 

Sitting on the ground, the two of you exchanged rings. All you could do was cry together, your emotions running high.

____________

I am on a roll bc i am sad as fuck tonight. i’ll be writing for a while bc I don’t feel like sleeping. 

Tags: 

@winchestertardis

@ancailinaerach

[katzkinder]

Mikuni Alicein and the Virtue of Kindness

(Scan credit for the majority of the images in this post go to kingmakochan, who seems to have either deactivated or changed their url as I can’t find their blog, and dm5.com for the RAWs used)

For most Eves in the series, how they express their “Virtue” is... Pretty straightforward. We see their Virtues in action rather frequently or it’s tied in with their character arc, with more... Obtuse, shall we say, exceptions being Licht, who is also much more subtle about his Charity, and Niccolo, whom we don’t know very well yet.

But Mikuni... Holy shit, Mikuni outclasses Licht in terms of headscratcher by a country mile-- At first glance.

Mikuni is actually... Deceptively, heartbreakingly kind when you really start breaking him down and picking him apart.

Something he would absolutely LOATHE me doing, which is exactly why I’m doing it! :D

okay, SO

The first time we get a real good look at Mikuni embodying Kindness is actually... One we, as the readers, can only recognize as the kindness it is after reading Lust Arc in Volume 4. This particular situation takes place during Volume 2.

The alley fight.

Specifically, when Envy pair rescue Mahiru from a Kuro who has gone berserk.

Here, it’s implied that Mikuni has actually been watching for a while. He looks comfortable, relaxed. Like it’s just another day at the movie theater. We also learn that he’s also the one who called Doudou to come to everyone’s rescue with the car, something that shocks Doudou because, according to him, Mikuni never contacts him. (this in and of itself can be taken as an act of Kindness since it’s likely Doudou would get in trouble if he kept in frequent contact with Mikuni, given Mikado’s well meaning but ultimately misguided and, honestly, cruel, ban on talking about or acknowledging his eldest)

So why didn’t he step in earlier?

Simple.

Misono.

Mikuni is Misono’s older brother. He loves him more than anything else in the world, and everything he does is with Misono kept in the back of his mind. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that Mikuni values Misono’s life over his own, because Mikuni is incredibly selfish and calculating, but... Preserving Misono’s life and having him grow up strong and loved is one of his bigger priorities. He’s willing to risk a lot for his baby brother.

The reason Mikuni didn’t jump in when Sakuya slashed Misono is, in my opinion, because Mikuni more than anyone recognizes how hard Misono is trying. He didn’t want to take away a potential victory from him. Misono actually struggles a lot with his self confidence, despite his blustery nature. Where Lily coddles and protects out of fear and love, Mikuni steps back and lets Misono take risks despite his fear, because he loves him. 

Because he wants him to grow up. This is also his motivation behind his apparent callousness when Lily’s Item was shattered and he saw that gigantic plume of Jin coming from the Alicein Estate. He knew what was going on, and while he didn’t like it, he thought that it was imperative to Misono’s growth as an individual. He’s also the one who collected the letters from Misono’s mother in his old room, as well as the pocket watch. He’s the one who left his journal out for Misono to find.

He was very careful to ensure that once Misono discovered the truth, he found the whole truth. That he was loved, had always been loved, and there was nothing wrong about his being born. What happened to their family wasn’t his fault. 

The burden of blame laid not with him, but with the adults in his life. Misono had never asked to be born, but everyone is so happy that he was.

Mikuni’s character song and his duet with Misono are also all about him expressing his love and willingness to get his hands dirty, to play the villain, for as long as it’s needed of him.

How is that not Kindness? How is that not love? Mikuni is cruel to be kind, hiding his good side behind a selfish, conniving mask, and as an older sibling with a younger half sibling myself, I fucking adore him for how far he’s willing to go to protect and encourage Misono. Even at the expense of... Everything that should have been his.

--I went on a tangent there, sorry. Ahem.

While reading through looking for panels to back up my claims and provide evidence that I am not a stark raving mad person, I also noticed this. As soon as Mahiru starts blaming himself, Mikuni steps in, reassures him, and then immediately sets about trying to distract him. It’s... A surprisingly responsible way of handling things wwww

I also always found it odd that Mahiru’s uncle, Tooru, just so happens to drop by for a surprise visit while Mahiru’s at his lowest. It’s just... Too much of a coincidence.

Except it isn’t a coincidence. At least, I no longer think so.

Given that both Tooru and Mikuni are affiliated with C3, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that Mikuni called him. Like, “Hey! Your nephew’s in over his head. Go check on him!”

I’m actually starting to think he might have a soft spot for kids, which is adorable, laughs. Or, at the least, he has a soft spot for Mahiru. He definitely doesn’t care very much for Tetsu. Who can blame him, though, after poor, sweet Abel was handled so roughly. They’re a very delicate doll!

This is already, like, essay length, so one last example to finish up--

During the extra story for Volume 10, “Once, We Ate Together,” we see another example of Mikuni showcasing his Virtue. (apologies for the dip in quality, I wanted to respect the wishes of the original scanlation uploader so I took photos from my own volumes again)

Here. Right here. This was the moment that stood out the most to me, because Mikuni absolutely did not have to do that. 

He remembered that Tsurugi has someone important to him. Someone that’s his family, who is also very very tall, laughs. He remember how happy Tsurugi was when Mikuni asked if Touma was his big brother. He also remembered... How he himself felt when he was ill and suffering from a high fever. How the people in his household worrying and clamoring over him made him feel.

And then he gave the experience to Tsurugi, who had his own suffering alleviated by the mere illusion that Touma had come to see how he was doing. That Touma was worried about him.

Mikuni gave Tsurugi something so precious that... Might have actually saved his life. Health and recovery from these sorts of dangerous bouts are as much mental as they are physical.

And now if you’ll excuse me... I’m going to go cry :’D

[massively-multiplayer-cereal]

I have no idea if you're still taking asks for the gender/sexuality/opinions character thing you reblogged a while back but if you are, could I request Sylvanas and/or Flynn and/or Wrathion? (I hope it's okay to excavate old posts! Either way I hope you have a good evening!)

i definitely still am, especially considering no one else sent an ask for it lmaoo ,,

also sorry this took until the next day! the post is very long ,, and you have a good day too ^-^

(also i LOVE when people excavate my posts because it means they liked my commentary on things enough to actually scroll through my whole blog so thank you for being an excavator XD)

anyways:

wrathion:

sexuality headcanon: Gay As Hell

gender headcanon: usually i see him as and write him as a cis male, but I mean.. trans male wrathion kinda hits different 👀

A ship I have with said character: WRANDUIN. W. R. A. N. D. U. I. N.

a brotp I have with said character: him and flynn just have this Vibe like they'd be really good friends if they met. i feel like they'd cause trouble together while anduin and shaw just sigh in the distance about their respective mischievous boyfriends. flynn x wrathion is mischief brotp.

a notp I have with said character: apparently some people ship him with alexstrazsa, so yeah alexstrazsa x wrathion is my notp for him. not that. never that. why?

a random headcanon: this makes no sense outside of my own brain but i like to think that wrathion somehow invented and/or popularized the use of the word 'gay' to mean homosexual on azeroth. it makes sense in my very specific au (that I haven't shared anywhere yet skdndsn), and doesn't work outside it, but hey, i like it lol

general opinion over said character: he is a little bastard and i love him so, so much. if anyone hurts him i will murder them with my bare hands. wrathion is the epitome of that 'i will now cause problems on purpose' meme. it is a wonderful day on azeroth and he is a horrible, horrible dragon.

flynn:

sexuality headcanon: he is the ULTIMATE bisexual disaster

gender headcanon: cis male

a ship i have with said character: FAIRSHAW. F. A. I. R. S. H. A. W.

a brotp i have with said character: flynn and taelia is the ultimate brotp ever, because they are just best friends with no romantic feelings whatsoever, and honestly it's SO refreshing to see a man and woman be super close friends in media without romantic hints. also i project my relationship with my (male) best friend onto them and my best friend is basically my brother so yeah. I love taelia and flynn just Being best friends.

a notp i have with said character: flynn x taelia romantically,, like,, i just.. mm it is very squicky for me.. I do Not Like. them romantically is just No Thank You. like morally there isn’t anything wrong with it but i just Do Not Enjoy romantic taelia x flynn. 

a random headcanon: he has the azerothian equivalent of a tramp stamp. it’s has two dolphins and an anchor. do not ask why i have this headcanon, because i have no idea why either ,,

general opinion over said character: i love flynn so much dude it's not even funny how much i love him. he is my emotional support imaginary himbo best friend.

sylvanas:

sexuality headcanon: lesbian because i project onto fictional characters i love too much

gender headcanon: similar to wrathion, usually i see her as and write her as a cis woman, but I mean.. trans woman sylvanas is really good ,,

a ship i have with said character: sylvaina, sort of? in canon, i have no actual sylvanas ships, but in aus i really really like sylvaina sjdbfdjsnnd

a brotp i have with said character: i feel like her and kael'thas would be crazy good friends if she had survived the purge of quel'thalas, so sylvanas x kael'thas brotp I guess XD

a notp I have with said character: sylvanduin. it is way too common (luckily, not on tumblr, but on other platforms,) for being a ship that under ANY circumstances would be insanely toxic. no matter what au it is, it's a ridiculous age gap to the point of being gross, and if someone ships it in canon, i hate it even more. sylvanduin is just so insanely toxic..

a random headcanon: she literally doesn’t even LIKE GUYS but she pretended to have the hots for nathanos to get him to do what she wanted him to. that's what you call an epic gamer move.

general opinion over said character: i actually like her even though a ton of people hate her. honestly, like, she was always kinda evil. there was always a lot of hints that she was bad, so that wasn't out of nowhere. but, also, blizz took it too far too quickly. personally, i think the undercity thing still should've happened just like it did, but she should've been more chill during the start of bfa. she should've been slowly ramping up in her intensity and brutality over the course of the war, and teldrassil's burning should've happened at the end of the first patch of bfa, when she was finally at 'her full evilness.' it's after teldrassil when the whole 'oh no baine in jail, chase away the evil lady' thing should've happened. WOWEE i went on a tangent, but tl;dr i love sylvanas even tho she’s really evil and think teldrassil should’ve happened later. also in the new cinematic sylvanas is HOT she has FANGS

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

Drunken Shenanigans

(First off, sorry that this isn’t broken up into parts. I don’t know. Maybe you guys prefer it in one long chunk anyway? Well whatever. I’m too lazy RN but let me know your preference maybe for future stories? Cuz like. Y’all know how long winded I am.)

---------------

FUCK OKAY JUST

FUCKING DO IT WEI YING

ENOUGH PUTTING OFF THINGS.

I want to tell things in order. Or as close as I can remember. But I’m gonna be honest. The fire fucked me up. And I know that each story brings me closer to having to talk about it. 

But I think I have to talk about it. 

So

Let’s see. Drunk Lan Zhan. 

I WANT to talk about that because in retrospect it was fucking hilarous. 

But I haven’t been able to because I’m just all sorts of fucked up right now. 

But I think a way to get me less fucked up is to just start unwinding the pieces.

And honestly, writing helped before so I think it’ll help now. 

It’s just that starting has been difficult. 

So I’m just gonna rip off the bandage. 

I’m just gonna start. 

------------------

So it was Friday. Fuck. Already a month ago?? Jesus I’m late. 

Okay A month ago today. Friday. 

Let me gather my thoughts. 

What was I doing? I think I was at home. Doesn’t really matter. 

I got a text from Lan Zhan. Not completely unusual, but I knew he’d had plans to meet his family earlier. I think I was surprised that he was texting me so early in the evening? I remember expecting to hear from him later..

Er.. no wait I think I was going to text him around 9. To at least check in on him and wish him a good night. But he texted me first. 

I’m scrolling back through my phone. What exactly did he text? I know it was like… wrong right away.

Oh yeah. It was my name 3 times in a row. Or almost. The first two times were mistyped. And then after he got it right he apologized for the misspellings. 

I asked him what was wrong and…. String of martini glass emojis? Oh man he was GONE already wasn’t he?

SO obviously I booked it over there. Remember going through a few different apps to figure out which company would get me there the fastest because I sure as shit wasn’t gonna leave him there alone.

Looking back maybe I should have called someone else? His brother could have gotten there faster. I think I didn’t want him to worry. I figured if this was the state that Lan Zhan was in after meeting with his uncle, then Lan Xichen probably wasn’t in the best state either. 

I should have checked up on him too but I didn’t. I was too worried about Lan Zhan. 

I really should have checked in on him.

Maybe it’s not too late? Who takes care of Lan Xichen when Lan Zhan is fucked up? 

Okay that’s not right. Fucked up isn’t right. Lan Zhan… Lan Zhan has issues, I know he does. After all he is, surprisingly enough, still human. But he manages them so much better than I do. 

I’m fucked up. Not him. 

So let’s rephrase. Who helps Lan Xichen when his little brother is also upset? I know he was, is?, dating Jin GuangYao? Though he doesn’t talk about it much. I’ve met the man in passing a couple times. Doesn’t seem the most comforting.

Though I guess there’s DaGe too. I remember he took pretty good care of him at my birthday. 

Is it wrong to want to make Lan Xichen split up with Jin Guangyao so that I can set him up with DaGe? I just think they’d be cute together. 

Ah not that I’m in any place to do that. See above; I’m fucked up. I should untangle my own love life before I try to poke holes in someone else’s. 

And… maybe I shouldn’t be talking about these things on my blog?

Ah fuck it. I’ve said more personal stuff here already and none of you know anyone I’m talking about anyway except Ghosty and… Idk. I trust Ghosty. 

Can’t help it. I just trust them. 

Anyway

Anywaaaaayyyyy where was I?

Fuck these tangents. Are they worse than before? Or have I always been like this? I should re-read my old posts but somehow I’m scared to. I don’t want to look at where I was right now. I feel like so much has happened… am I even that person?

I don’t know why looking back scares me. Probably old defense mechanisms. Probably why I can’t remember anything before I was 10 too. Mmm. I should look back. I don’t want to forget.

But I think I’m afraid that I’ll… I don’t know… Either miss or hate who I was. If I miss who I was what will I do? I can’t go back to it. You can’t go back to what you were. 

But if I hate who I was…. Well I hate who I am so I guess there isn’t much difference….

Shelf that.

Fuck. My complaining about going off on tangents became a tangent. 

Where Was I???

Okay. So I carted my ass over to Lan Zhan’s, thinking not for the first time that maybe I should just fucking learn how to drive???????????

But whatever. I got there pretty quick. 

I knocked on the door, heard some concerning bangs and then silence. 

Knocked again and called out his name. 

Think I heard him again… swearing????? But it was muffled so I can’t be sure. 

Shame.

Haha

So I decided to do what he told me to do before and just use my damn key. 

I mean… it’s not breaking and entering right? And besides. He texted me. That… meant he wanted to see me right? At the very least even if he didn’t it was for his sake. Totally not at all because I was curious what he’s like when he’s drunk. 

Nope. Not a factor. Purely just wanted to make sure he was okay. Absolutely innocent. 

(You know that’s a lie. I REALLY wanted to see what he’s like when he’s drunk. But I DID also want to make sure he was okay. So really, win win. Or… True neutral in intent? IDK but I think they cancel each other out.)

So I very carefully opened the door and peered inside to find…. An empty apartment. 

The lights were off in the entry way, but I could see something down the hall and around the corner. Turns out that he was in the living room with a lamp and a bit of a mess. 

He’d knocked over the bottle of wine when I knocked. Apparently I startled him? And then when I knocked again… ???

I’m not sure. 

But he was somehow tangled in his own pant legs? They were comfy pants and a bit flowy and his foot got stuck in the other leg? I don’t know how it happened and clearly neither did he. And he’d toppled over and… apparently had given up. 

So clearly my coming over was the correct call. 

(Sorry Lan Zhan. I know you’ll never read this and never know but… this was just too precious to keep to myself. I promise I won’t embarrass you TOO much but there needs to be a documentation of your drunken hijinks. SangSang please don’t tell him. ;w;)

So about this point. I decided that instead of helping him, I was going to call out to you guys to ask for help.

I don’t know why? I was panicking. 

So I posted Help. 

And then went to untangle him. 

Managed to fix his pants (don’t think too hard about that one) and get him sitting properly. He just kinda blinked slowly at me and kept silent the entire time. ????

Like okay looking at his face you’d never know the guy was trashed. But the guy was TRASHED. 

I asked him how much he’d had and he just held up a finger. 

One.

One what??

A glass? A bottle? A keg?

I looked over at the jug that had tipped over and tried to gauge how much he’d had. I don’t know if the bottle had been full or not when he started. I don’t think I’d left any half-empty? But he may have shared with another guest? I wouldn’t have been surprised if he kept some on hand for SangSang too. Not just me. It’s good wine.

Well either way. With how much was now spilled on the table and floor, and how much was in the bottle… I’m guessing… he had no idea and was bullshitting me how much he’d had. 

So there’s that. 

He had enough alcohol for one drunk. Got it. 

Well didn’t matter. Either way he was sloshed. I suppose this is karma (I know that’s not how karma works) for when I got drunk off my ass in front of him before. Ah well. 

You know… speaking of karma…. Like what kind of fucked up karma do I have? Like I must have just been a DEMON in my previous life. What the fuck did I do? Massacre a ton of people? Raise the dead? FUCK. Well whatever I did. Thanks a lot past life me. You’re a DICK.

Anyway.

I went to get a cloth to mop up the mess. While I was wiping everything down he disappeared.

I posted on my blog again because I have shit priorities, and then went to find him. 

He was in the kitchen. After turning on every single light. His head was completely in the fridge. 

I called out to him, because what the fuck? And he stood up and blinked at me again. Except now he was holding a package of skinless chicken breast??? For some reason?????

Why did he even have that Probably was planning to make it for me the next day since that was our Saturdate. He doesn’t eat much meat so it wouldn’t make sense for him to have so much. 

But okay

Like

He just held it out to me and said my name. 

???????

Just.. standing in the kitchen with ALL the lights on with the fridge hanging open offering me skinless chicken breast in its neat little vacuum sealed packaging. 

So uh…  Like what do you do with that?

I asked him what he was doing and he just pushed the package at me, asking if it was good? 

I mean they looked fine. Lan Zhan always buys good stuff. And this stuff was clearly bought fresh and then wrapped up by himself. He’s got a vacuum sealer thing. So like it’s not even stuff from the grocery store? He probably got it from a humane butcher. Because he does his research on EVERYTHING. 

So like… yeah?? They were good? And I like chicken. 

So I just kinda nodded and said yeah they’re good. And so he pushed the meat at me again and said it was all for me? 

So um.. I don’t know if he was asking me to cook it? I asked him if he wanted me to cook it and he looked confused. 

And fair. I mean I was confused too. No one wants me to cook. Everyone always complains. They just don’t appreciate the culinary genius that is me. 

But Lan Zhan looked at me, then the chicken, and seemed to be in the deepest thought. 

“Let’s put this in the fridge and we can eat it tomorrow, yeah?” I suggested, trying to take the meat from him and edge to the fridge at the same time. 

Apparently this was incorrect as he yanked it away from me and started towards the stove?????

I got to him just in time to stop him from turning it on. 

Like okay Lan Zhan is an amazing chef. And he’s got a NICE kitchen. But the stove is a gas one. You know the one with open flame? And like 

THe man had just dumped have a container of Emperor’s Smile on himself???

Like fuck. So I think I screamed. 

Because Fuck. No. Lan Zhan was NOT going to cook for me while drunk off his ass. 

I remember lunging at him and like pulling all the knobs off of the stove so he couldn’t turn it on. He glared at me with this.. this …. POUT. omg it was adorable. 

But NOT adorable enough for me to give him back the stove knobs. He tried to grab them but I put them in my pocket.

And then he tried to grab them again which is danger zone no no for SO MANY REASONS ;asldkfjsa;lkfaslkfjsd;lkfjas;dkfj;lafkjk

So I took his hands 

And put on my best most adorable pleading expression and asked him to please let us have it tomorrow? Because I really wanted to eat it tomorrow. He stared at me again, binked, then slowly nodded and put the chicken… in the cupboard. 

So I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie or something instead. He didn’t answer (How is drunk Lan Zhan even more quiet than sober Lan Zhan? How is it possible?) but he didn’t like protest or anything. 

So I asked him if he wanted to pick something out and I’d come in in just a minute for him to surprise me with whatever he selected. 

He nodded at that. Mumbled something that sounded like “for Wei Ying.” or something and stumbled off. 

I took a moment to breathe and update the blog again before putting the chicken in the fridge. Contemplated hiding the knives and stove knobs somewhere where Lan Zhan couldn’t get to them, but that seemed a bit much. So I put the knobs back on and went to see what Lan Zhan was doing. 

He was….

Drinking….

More….

Again.

So I updated my blog again????? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Well I did stop him again.  I grabbed the bottle and just took it. Downed the whole jar so that he couldn’t have any more. 

Maybe not the best option? But I had eaten dinner for once and I’m actually not a lightweight. (That one time was a fluke. Like it seriously was) so it was fine. Not like I was driving home anyway.

And besides maybe it’d help me get on his level? IDK. It was stupid but then so am I. And it was just a shame to dump it all out so down the hatch it went. 

It was at this point that I realized that Lan Zhan was still wearing the clothes he’d spilled all over. I suggested he go change into something clean. He seemed to find logic in this and stumbled off to his room.

Did NOT shut the door but that’s okay. It was down the hall and I couldn’t really… SEE anything unless I went further into the hall myself. 

Tempting but I was a good boy and resisted. 

Thats when things got quiet… too quiet (see post I’d made about it being quiet). 

I went to go check on him to find that he was stripped to his boxers, with his pants around his ankles. He was looking in his closet, probably trying to find out what suit to wear???

But when I entered he stumbled back, slammed the door shut and toppled feet over head to the floor!!

Man he’s jumpy when he’s drunk. 

I helped him to rights and was actually so distracted that I didn’t realize that he was practically naked for like 2 whole seconds!!

(I’m pretty sure Lan Zhan isn’t a mortal, no matter what I said earlier in this very post about him being a human. No human being has the right to be that fucking cut??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

It is NOT fair. 

FUck. )

WELL being a responsible and reasonable adult (lol) I decided I would help this drunk toddler of a man get dressed. I dug through his pajama drawer and pulled out something soft and fluffy. Hoped that it’d be more appealing to him if it was super super comfy. Started to hand it to him, but then figured fuck it. Probably better to just do it myself. 

Managed to keep my eyes and hands to myself as I helped him. Very proud.

He let me do this without complaint. He was very good. He lifted his arms up when I told him to and his legs. Ended up putting my face WAY too close to his hips but I looked at the wall the entire time so it was fine.

Fine. It was fine. We’re fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. 

Fuck I’m a mess. 

Okay what happened next. He was good. Sat like a good boy. Got him dressed (thank you A-Yuan for giving me practice? Did not think this was a life skill i’d be needing now that you’re growing up and can do your own buttons but guess life likes to throw them curve balls. Either way. A-Yuan m’boy. I owe you a solid.)

(Also do NOT miss changing your diaper. Fuck) 

ANyway

NO TANGENTS. (that’s a lie. There will be more tangents. Whatever.)

SO Lan Zhan was dressed like a human again. Somehow even drunk of his ass he looks like some sort of adonis. Not fair.

Uh.

Oh yeah. I got up and was gonna step away and he grabbed me. 

Not like hard? But really firm. Grabbed my arm and said “no.”

No what? No to the pajamas? No to the bunny slippers? No????

I asked him what he was saying no to and he just said no again and pulled me closer. 

“Lan Zhan Lan Zhan” I chided, “You’re being unreasonable. I got you all dressed and you were being so good but now I try to get up and you say no and stop me? What are you wanting? Do you not like these pajamas? Do you want me to dress you in something else?”

I remembered him looking at the closet and decided to be a little shit. I was gonna pretend I was gonna grab one if his suits to dress him in that instead. (No way I was going through that effort. Just wanted to prove a point that the PJ’s were much more comfy.)”

“Alright. Why don’t we change into something else? I know you like wearing suits. Or well, /I/ like when you wear suits. So let’s go get one.”

He started to relax his grip and I got up again, but then 2 steps to the closet he seemed to panic and grabbed me again. 

He wrapped his arms around me from behind and sat back down on the bed with me mostly in his lap?????

Okay Trying to keep myself pure here. I’m a good boy. Who was not going to take advantage of my best friend while he was drunk off his ass.  Good boy. Think of ANYTHING else but being in his lap. 

And of course. THis meant. I had to run my mouth. 

“OH? So you DON’T want a suit? Well then you should just be happy in those pajamas. As nice as you look in a suit I think they’re much more comfortable. The pajamas that is. Unless you’d rather be naked. But that--”

Anddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

He covered my mouth. 

I tried to twist to look at him but he wouldn’t let me. 

I tried to protest against his hand but he wouldn’t let go. 

So I examined my options and decided the only course was to lick him.

So I did. 

Because I have had a brother and that always got me out when Jiang Cheng actually managed to pin me.

Worked like a charm this time too. Lan Zhan dropped me like I was made of fire. 

Maybe I should have been offended???? But I was too busy laughing. 

He stared at his hand in what had to be horror. I calmed down enough to offer to wipe it off for him but he just pulled it in to his chest protectively. 

“Oh come one. I’m not gonna lick it again! I said wipe it off! Clean it. Fuck I’ll wash ‘em with soap if you want. Dear goodness it’s not like I’ve got fucking cooties or something.”

He stared at his hand again and pouted, seemingly not sure what he wanted to do. 

I reached out gently again and he pulled away again.  Clearly not down for touching anymore. 

So I huffed and said fine. 

“You just go to bed or something then. I’ll leave you alone if you’re just gonna get all grumpy at me.”

So I started to leave. And he tried to grab me again???????????????????????????????????

Does he want to be touched or not? Or maybe he just wanted to do the touching now that I look back on it.

Well at the time I just kinda leapt out of the way and complained he wasn’t being fair changing his mind about what he wanted every 2 seconds. Quite unreasonable.

And somehow….

This ended with us chasing each other around the house??? 

Admittedly that part’s a bit of a blur. It started with him chasing me and then somehow we switched and I ended up chasing him?

Oh yeah. I think I thought he was going back to the kitchen or something and I panicked and tackled him onto the couch. That’s when I sat on him to keep him there and posted about it again while I caught my breath. 

He just let himself lay face down on the couch, his face pressed into the pillow completely. Both a blessing and a curse because I don’t know what I was thinking at the time. I dont’ know what I would have done if he’d pouted at me again. Licked him again?? But a curse because that meant all I had to focus on was how thicc his ass was. Like I was sitting on it. 

And it is a COMFY perch. Gotta say. Like fuck. This man is perfect in every way. 

NOT. THE. POINT.

KEEP MIND. AWAY FROM THAT. YOU DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. ESPECIALLY THINKING ABOUT THINGS THIS WAY WHEN YOU KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO BE SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS HIM AGAIN TONIGHT. 

(DON’T @ ME WE JUST SHARE A BED. OKAY? IT MAKES US BOTH FEEL BETTER AND IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE. WE’RE FINE. I’M FINE. IT’S FINE. I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT THAT MORE LATER BUT JUST.. IT’S FINE OKAY? IT’S FINE. TRUST ME. COMPLETELY NOTHING ROMANTIC ABOUT IT. IT’S OKAY TO CUDDLE YOUR BROS. I MEAN IT’S A BIT COMPLICATED SEEING AS I’M IN LOVE WITH HIM BUT WE BOTH AGREED THAT THE KISS MEANT NOTHING SO WE’RE FINE. 

FUCK.. okay I’ll get back to this in a minute because I made myself cry again. 

Hold on. 

Okay I’m back. And I’m actually fine now. Just a little bit of heartache. It flares up if I think about it so I just don’t think about it. 

So sometimes when it sneaks up on me like that it just causes a little bit of a panic. We’re fine though. It’s passed and we’re fine. 

Where was I? Where was I…. um… oh yeah. Sitting on that juicy ass--- um.. Sitting on Lan Zhan to keep him on the couch where it was safe and cushioned. 

It worked for a bit. But apparently only because he wanted it to. 

Somehow I forgot that the man can bench a fucking truck? So he just did a push up with me on his back while on the couch (Have you tried to do pushups on a cushioned surface? Please do not do this. Make sure you exercise on sturdy, solid surfaces or you will roll your wrists or something and I will not be held responsible for unsafe workout practices.)

SO Lan Zhan just pushed both of us up and I tumbled right off like I was made of fucking feathers. 

No idea what he was planning to do. 

At first he seemed worried about me because I tumbled. Which I think broke his train of thought away from what he’d originally planned? Or did he even have a plan to begin with? 

FUck who knows. Not me!

Well anyway

I had a bold stroke of genius. Because how does Lan Zhan get me to stay put?

So I told him to sit and wait because I had a surprise for him and that I’d be really sad if he didn’t do it. 

So he immediately assumed the lotus position and closed his eyes. Coulda been a fucking statue. 

I stared for a second but then remembered he was drunk as FUCK and I had no time. So I rushed off and grabbed Bichen and Suibian so I could dump ‘em in his lap. 

Fucking worked like a charm. Suibian didn’t stay too long because she always prefers my lap (aaaaaaaaaaaah my heart) but Bichen will always stay put when plopped on Lan Zhan’s lap. (I feel ya, li’l buddy. If I could get away with it I’d live there too).

Told him that he needed to be nice and calm for the bunnies and he nodded so seriously. He started to pet Bichen so carefully it was so sweet. The little bun flopped over right away. She loves her Lan Zhan so much. (Same)

Decided to try and get him to talk to me once he’d been quiet for a little while. I asked him what started all this anyway. 

At first he said that he wanted to learn to be more tolerant to alcohol so that he could drink with me

Which is so fucking sweet but does not explain why he went so hard into it. 

And I knew he’d seen his uncle earlier that day. So I pressed. 

I won’t tell you all that he told me. But yeah. Family is complicated man. 

But that part of the story.. That’s his story. I’m not sure if he even wants ME to know about it, so I’m definitely not telling you guys. Sorry. But please try to understand. 

We talked for a long while and eventually he ended up falling asleep. I very carefully moved the bunnies to their pen, then picked him up and carried him off to bed too. 

There’s something surreal about princess carrying Lan Zhan. Not gonna lie. 

I wasn’t willing to leave him alone in case he woke up again so I just climbed into bed with him. Wrapped him up in my arms to make sure I’d wake up if he tried to leave (hopefully).

But he slept through the night. 

It wasn’t until morning that he lurched out of bed and booked it to the bathroom. Poor guy.

I will never try to get him to drink again. With mornings that awful it’s just not worth it. Though admittedly he’d probably do okay if he just didn’t drink as MUCH as he did. Make I’ll get him a Mikes Hard? I know from talking to him since then that the wanting to be able to share a drink with me was genuine even if it wasn’t the only reason he was drinking. So maybe we can ease him into it. I mean Mikes hards are so weak that they may as well be virgin drinks so that should be safe? 

I’ll talk to him about it later. 

Anyway. I took care of him all morning and he was so miserable. (Even got to carry him again. He was so worn out he barely protested). 

I brought him back to bed with some aspirin and some water. I should have made him drink some the previous night but I guess with how crazy that night was maybe I can be forgiven for that at least. 

I gave him some kisses on his face because at that point it was our thing??? (Because… what were we??? Well now we’re back to just friends I think. After… after the kiss that meant nothing.)

Fuck.

Okay don’t think about it. We were… we were something… but now we’re just friends. And that’s just… how it is. Because i fucked up. Because of course I fucked up. 

I let him take a nap and watched something trashy on TV. Eventually he shlumped out of bed (as much as Lan Zhan ever schlumps which is not a lot) and crashed onto the couch next to me. 

We talked some more and he tried to apologize to me. I wasn’t gonna hear it. I got a bit of a more sober re-telling of the reason he was drinking and I did my part to listen. 

Despite how much I talk, I can actually listen if the occasion calls for it! Surprising, I know. 

We went to bed again eventually after watching more garbage TV together. 

And uh.. Yeah…

That’s the adventures of Drunk Lan Zhan. 

Sorry I know some of the details are probably wrong. It’s been a while and a lot happened. But yeah. That’s more or less it. 

[project-rebirth]

There’s something I’ve been meaning to make a post about for some time now, since I’ve noticed it becoming a issue in regards to my interactions and threads on here, and that it’s something I should have included in my blog rules and bio some time ago but neglected to do so.

You see, you may or may not have noticed, but I am a bit selective when it comes to certain muses of mine, and it generally comes down to my inspiration to write them. So far, the primary active muses that seem to get the most attention storywise, is Touma, Mikoto and Shido, who is not even directly involved in the main Genesis Order Story. There are others, but these three are currently the top runners of the blog. As such, other characters like Hamazura  dont get used that often mostly because I have yet to find inspiration to use them as a front runner.

Accelerator is also in a similar situation to some degree because I’ve yet to give him in active role that’s fleshed out more. Other muses that aren’t Touma or any of the previously mentioned above, are guest muses that will appear to accompany them in threads --- in other words, they are side characters that will almost never have a thread of their own unless certain scenarios in the story require it.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is shipping, because when it comes to this, I am a bit selective, as whoever becomes shipped with them will play a significant role or simply because of the certain situations characters are in canon wise.(Like Index and Mikoto being in love with Touma and Hamazura being in a relationship with Takitsubo Rikou, who is also a guest muse/side character). Generally, and this is the first time Ive admitted this, but shipping is a bit of a low priority on this blog, as other things take precedence, and it is apparent in just how many muses of mine are shipped.

There are at least three muses that have ships and two of them are OCs. Touma at one point was shipped with someone’‘s muse back in the early days of my old blog, but for redacted reasons, the ship is no longer a thing and has been written into the story as a off page death. One of the three shipped muses,

Accelerator  is a somewhat complicated situation. Even though he is shipped, he is in all honesty and ironically, the least shippable person in most of my muses. It is simply because of his personality  and complicated circumstances that makes him extremely difficult to ship with. Accelerator isn’t a romantic type character nor is he interested in romance in general. He’s not the type that would be outwardly affectionate with people and (As of his development beyond Index OT) is a stoic character. He is someone who wants to rid Academy City of the Darkness that’s poisoned it for so long, all so that at least Last Order could remain safe. He’s focused on that job and he doesn’t have time for distractions. At least in how his arc was planned here.

When I added him to the blog, there was really no intent on having him ship with anyone, with his role being that of someone who wanted to purge Academy City of the dark side while also protecting it from the fantastical threats of the Cosmic Side. Despite him not being intended for shipping, I envisioned a possibility of him ending up with someone and that if he did, the other person would be someone who is not looking for a romance with him, but someone who seeks to support him.

Unlike Touma who has people of all sorts pursuing him, Accelerator is someone who’s not easily approachable for others to consider doing that, and Accelerator himself is generally apathetic towards romance. To simplify, I could see Accelerator’s partner being to him what Othinus is to Touma; an Understander, and someone that would be his pillar. A traditional ship would work a bit better with Touma or Hamazura, if I decided to bend things a bit that makes him no longer taken by Rikou, but Accelerator is a complicated character, so his partner would also have to be complicated to a degree

I realize I went on a tangent here but I wanted to touch upon that too since I feel like I am sort of disappointing others expectations when it comes to my attention towards particular ships because, like I mentioned previously, shipping is a low priority  most of the time, and because some muses aren’t suited for traditional shipping  at this current stage or is really suited to certain personality types.

Another thing I wanted to discuss is Priority Threads, because there I noticed that I’ve become selective on what threads to finish and /or focus on, and it’s really the threads that have a steady foundation that lasts a bit longer. Threads that originated from random posts does not continue long because they don’t have a strong plot foundation needed to continue, and for this reason they typically have short lifespans. What I mean is, if I feel it doesn’t really contribute much to the overall plot of the grand story or is lacking a basis for something that will carry interest, it will just be made for a few posts and then be finished.

This is something that many mutuals of mine do whenever I have these foundation lacking threads, they typically discard it or leave it done  after it is finished. This annoyed me at first during the early days, but I’ve grown to accept this, as I assume their dropping of these kinds of threads are for similar reasons. And then it of course depends on what muse I have for the day or just me not feeling up to doing anything. Ultimately, it all depends on what I’m feeling like and if I feel a thread has enough of a basis to keep interest.

I believe that’s everything. I wanted to share. I may have not worded things as correctly as I wanted to, as I’m sleepy as hell, but this has been something I wanted to reveal for some time. I just feel like I’m disappointing others by being selective towards what muses and threads I utilize. I’d say more, but I can’t keep my eyes open any longer and I think it’s time I bring this ramble to an end.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

[oursensoryworld]

The Introduction

Hello Tumblr 

My name is Jessica 

I am 32 also a single mum with a beautiful 4 year old son. Ok so just a warning my grammar is horrible so please be kind. lol I always wanted to write a blog but never had the confidence to do so. Except for today.. When I thought to myself stuff it!! Maybe someone wants to listen to me talk crap, or is going through simular things. Needless to say I need an outlet. OK!

For the point of this introduction, I will start with when my son was 9 months old, and what happened after that.

We all lived in a beautiful little beach town. It was truly paradise! I would ride my bike to work some days, and think to myself how did I get so lucky.

Now you are probably thinking why would you leave then? 

I moved back to my parents house after getting home from work one night, and my sons father was drunk again. When I got home He was hostile and dangerous. I tried to kick him out to sober up, but he told me that it was his house and I had not right.

I couldn't take one more second. Called my dad to get my car and I was on the first flight out with my son.  

At first It was a welcome move. I was so happy to have the support that I needed. I had been working 40 hours per week plus the house and baby care. My son would wake at least 7 times per night.

Oh dear lord it was horrible. Did I mention the constant crying unless he was being held!

sounds like most babies right? that's what I thought, just normal motherhood not to worry. Just suck it up I would tell myself. 

Through the heartbreak of leaving my sons father, I slowly picked up the pieces of my heart, and tried to glue it back together. Many nights of wine, and crying were had by me. its kind of funny now when I look back on it. 

At the time though WOW!! What a mess I was. 

Little did I know the other struggles, that I would soon be faced with, would test me much more than a little break up ever could. 

Still took me 3 years to move on from loving my sons dad though.  

So here I am ready to begin again. I found a lovely family day care  for my son to attend while I went out to look for work. Everything seemed fine for awhile, just normal motherhood dramas.

My son was 22months when I got the first phone call, that he has been hitting his head against the wall and the floor. Just banging it! 

I was told by his day care teacher that she was worried, as she had never seen a child do this before in all her years of caring for children. So my first reaction was have I done something wrong? 

Could it be a reaction to my stress causing my son to react this way? All the blaming myself thoughts came flooding in. I had no idea why he was doing this. 

Not to mention, that for some time he wasn't making eye contact, or responding to his name being called. 

This wasn't my biggest concern at the time, as he was only little. In my mind, I thought he is just a late bloomer.

As my first and only child, I didn't have any thing to compare it to. 

I thought he will just grow out of it, or it would just go away.

I took him to Many Drs for their opinions. Most said the same thing. “could be an ear infection, or sinus problem so don't worry too much” 

His day care teacher, and my mother sat me down and said “we think he has Autism”  My first response “What he is only 22 months old!  how can you know that he has autism when he is so young. I didn't believe them, or want to. So I ignored it and continued on. 

My son celebrated his first birthday, it was a happy day. it was 40 degrees that day, but we were prepared. There were 3 kids pools, and plenty of shaded areas. 

This is when I noticed little difference's in my sons behaviour and other children, of same age, or even younger. For instance the eye contact. The way they would look engaged with their parent. The way they played with other children, and not alone.

Its really had to describe, and probably a poor choice of word but, a maturity difference is the way I would describe it. 

As he grew, he became very violent towards me, and other children. Always biting, hitting and throwing toys across the room was a daily occurrence. It became difficult for him to stay in family day care, for the safety of the other children. 

It was insane, I tried to talk to him, I took advice from what felt like a million people. Drs, parents, helplines, support groups you name it, I tried it. 

I would say to my friends, How could a child that gets so much love be so aggressive? I was googling one day as you do, and I came across a well known clinic that specialises in children with Autism. 

I took him to the Dr again! This time feeling confused and hopeless. =(  At home I would cop at least 50 punches, and several bites all over my body everyday. So it was go time!! 

I got the referral, and we went to the Clinic.My son walked in and was on his best behaviour of course. lol 

She sat and played some games with him, the whole process went for about an hour. She then sat down and talked to me.

The first thing she said, still to this day sticks in my mind. She said “when I first met your son, he seemed to be fine for his age. As the games went on, I noticed lots of things that are very concerning”

She then explained to me what her findings were. Have you ever noticed that when you are playing a game with him, when he runs into a bit of trouble, he will pull your hand to grab what he needs. Without words and no eye contact.

I replied sure. All the time.

She then told me many more things, that I will go into detail in other writings.  I was speechless.. 

Now I love my son the way he is, and have nothing against Autism. At the time though I was uneducated, and when the words fell from her lips,

 “ I believe your son has a significant Autism” 

My jaw hit the floor. I asked her what does that mean for him? then said, I thought that was normal. I thought a lot of the things he did were perfectly normal.

I use the word “normal” as just a word, not an indication that I think my son or any person on the spectrum isn't normal. Just thought I would put that out there, in case your reading this thinking (bitch please! who are you calling not normal) lol 

The feeling of not knowing what to do when you have just received that in her clinical opinion, and feeling so alone.

I got to the car and just cried. The main thought that ran through my head, was just worries for my darling son. Worrying will life be hard for him. What do I even do with this information. Who do I call for help? should I call for help? I racked my brain trying to figure out the answer.

I just felt like I was sort of going in circles. 

One of the major turning points for me was.

I was at the Drs one day, and my son had a massive meltdown. He bit my shoulder so hard he drew blood. The pain was so intense, it startled me so much that I dropped him. I still feel so bad about that!

I don't know what came over me. I started whaling and crying so much, in front of everyone. I curled myself up in the foetal position right in the middle of the surgery floor. As my son just walked around the surgery like nothing had happened. 

Now when I think of that tragically embarrassing moment, I just laugh. 

The receptionist came over to me, she was this little old lady. She wrapped her arms around me.

She gave me the biggest hug, and said “its ok darling, your doing a wonderful job”

That day I got the referral to my local hospital, to see the top childhood Dr

I was very relieved. I would get some answers! For a second opinion, and this lady is apparently the top Dr

We arrived at our local hospital. Now as you may have guessed, or have experience with.

My son is not one for public places and sitting still, he can usually sit still for a total of zero seconds. So when making an appointment its helpful if  the Dr is running on time. 

This was not the case! she was running 2 hours late!! 

I kept asking when is it our turn? I chased my son around the hospital at least 6 times. We got asked to wait in an outside locked space because he was screaming so loudly. it was a nightmare!! My anxiety was through the Roof..  

The looks I got from other patients, Its like I could hear their thoughts as the glared at me with their judging eyes and cats bum faces. 

All I could hear was, cant control your child, or what a little shit or such bad mother!

You name it! I heard it.. Without anyone of them saying a word. You know the expression a look can say a thousand words, or something like that. 

We finally!!!!! got called in, at this point he was over tired and so was I. 

The Dr was an older woman with short blond hair. She spoke with an almost regal tone to he voice. 

I thought this woman will have the answer for sure. She asked me a series of questions, and examined my son. I was truthfully scared to answer some of the questions, in fear of more judgment. 

In hindsight as a mother, we tend to blame ourselves for the silliest things. 

I have later learnt its called mothers guilt. Its a bastard of a thing. Anyway getting back to the Dr visit.

Sorry about that little tangent, I do that. 

She said to me have you ever heard of a disorder called ODD? I replied No.. What is ODD? She said it is an acronym for something called Oppositional Defiance Disorder. 

WHATTTT!!!!!! Now I was angry! I said to her, I came here for help! Not for you to give my son a made up diagnoses.

I then asked her, so how do I fix this ODD? She said there is no cure. What do you mean there is no cure? 

She suggested to a program called the PPP Parenting course. That will give you coping strategies, you can learn as a parent, thus in turn help you to control your boys ODD. um NO!  

If it was that easy why the hell do you think I'm here!!

Do Drs like you get off on this just giving a child that doesn't quite fit a made up label? Or telling parents that they need to do a parenting program! in order to fix a Neurological disorder.  WTF... lol 

I practically ran out the door, I couldn't believe the absolute BS I had just been fed. I was driving home shaking my head thinking the nerve of this woman. 

I will say this again, its so funny looking back on all of this, its  the kind of funny that you laugh and then cringe.  

I got home, got my son out of the car, as he is pulling my hair out of my head. =( 

So far I have your son has sever autism, and some made up Disorder. well at the time I thought that (speaking in past tense)

So what did I do? I will tell you.

I did what any normal parent does, ask Dr Google =) 

Slowly typing in the search bar (What is ODD?) As my finger presses down on the enter button, I am then bombarded with Youtube vids and pages and pages of ODD info.

At this moment I'm like WOW, ODD is really a thing. I feel dumb now. Awkward for me, But holy shit this doesn't look fun. No offence but ODD sucks! I mean that with much love to parents out there. Its in short , everything you say your child fights you. They are violent and just exactly what its called. 

I could keep talking and writing for days, but I will wrap it up now with a to be continued!   

 If you read this and this and this is where you are at in this moment. 

I want you to know you are not alone. I wont lie, the road is a long and tough one. if no one has told you your doing a good job. YOU ARE DOING A GOOD JOB. XX Part 2 will come shortly, let me know what you think? be kind lol

 Take care. From J 

#autism #sensorydisorders #ODD #singlemums #parentswithkidsonthespecturm #lifescurveballs #mystory #sensorykids 

[singswithmicoff]

I don't really blog on here but I am tonight. It's been a weird week or so at work and I'm ready for a longer break. Last Thursday I took Bernie into work for a bit so my coworkers could see it. It's technically not allowed but my new boss is very chill and no one really knew. But someone tattled to HR and I was reminded we can't have nonservice dogs in the office. So I took him home, no big deal.

Except because there's this weird tension and kinda cliques in the building. In January I switched departments from working at our main building in front desk support to support staff at our other office in town for our children's services. I started training at the end of December and my official transfer date was January 1. My old boss (who told me to apply) was super controlling and wanted control over my transition.

Because I really needed a job when I got hired (the Am*zon fulfillment center I worked closed) I was extra accommodating when she hired me. And it was taken advantage of because she had two fucked millennials that were terrified of being unemployed (myself and my best friend's brother-in-law). We were accommodating and reliable so it didn't really matter that Jennifer has chronic illness or that Amanda quit or that we couldn't keep it completely staffed. She had Arthur and me for four years to fill in the gaps. Then Arthur quiet last September. Then in December they offered me the transfer. And Rebeca was moving to Montana. And Debbie had transferred to Med Services. And Robin approved Stephanie's transfer to the Coffeyville office.

All between September and mid-December. Robin's brilliant idea was that I could put my office in her area because they didn't really need someone full time (and she'd still get to be in control of me). That didn't happen thankfully. But part of the deal was that I would help out at the main office until she got staffed. It dragged out until my boss put an end to it because we were going on two months into my transfer (I'm fuzzy on dates because this year has been a shitshow but I know I was still dealing with it when I went to Dallas Valentine's Day weekend) and at some point it had to end. I just kept wondering what she would've done if I had left the company. She wouldn't've been able to make me come back 20 hours for two months.

Anyway. It eventually ended and COVID happened so I got to hide in my little cubby and not care that she was mad, at me or because she lost control of me (a whole other tangent about how she has a weird fixation on my uncle so that didn't help that she lost three connection of his niece working for her). During all of this too she was getting divorced from her husband who hadn't lived in the same state as her the whole four+ years I'd worked for her. Then she got remarried after like 6 months and it's apparently another shitty situation.

Back to Thursday and the cliques. I'm in the children's services department so I've clicked in with them and our small club of Democrats (we're friends with the Republicans in CBS too though). There's also Sarah who's in Robin's department and was moved to front desk in the last year or so. She's emotionally immature for her age and is on the spectrum (I don't know anything for certain but it's obvious). She's a few years younger than me but since we live in a small town, especially as we've become adults, we've existed in each other's orbits. I'm super introverted but people are still drawn to me somewhat and between my customer service nature and general awkwardness, I end up with...I wouldn't say friends but something more than acquaintances. Sarah falls in there.

Also on Robin's team (she's being downsized and losing charge of the main support staff) is Becky. I've made awkward small talk with her a little since I moved into the building but she's pretty miserable from what I'm to understand so I never got too invested. Becky covers for Sarah when she goes to lunch or needs to get away from the desk. So when Bernie came to visit, Becky covered. Sarah said something about him being at the office and Becky said something about the fact we aren't supposed to have pets in the office. Then a short time later I received the email from HR. So Becky tattled to Robin who tattled to HR (because she's a monster who doesn't like dogs and is mad at me still 11 months later).

There was an incident Monday in lobby and Michele intervened because she was there and she's part of our crisis team. On Tuesday, Robin sent them an email and Sarah sent me part of it where she was basically being scolded (in my opinion) for how the situation was handled and told not to talk about it. Robin and the rest of her department (maybe not Hillary) bully Sarah. She vented to me and I mentioned how since I stopped working for Robin I realized how much better things were. It's made pretty clear I don't like Robin.

Tuesday afternoon my boss sends me a text, asking if I can meet with her in her office at 3:30. I begin panicking because I'm obviously being fired or getting in trouble somehow because usually she'd just pop down to see me. When I get there I ask if she wants me to shut the door, she said no we had two more people coming to join us. I internally panic as we discuss some upcoming stuff (which helped a bit because she wouldn't be telling me if I wasn't going to be there for it).

In walk Robin and Sarah, it took everything I had not to roll my eyes. Thank god for masks. Robin was made aware there were some emails. And how would we like it if Tammy and Robin were emailing about us. And she has always tried to promote us. She wasn't/couldn't tell us not to speak to each other (she very much wanted to tell us we couldn't speak to each other). I apologized for using work email/time to talk about someone because we're all a team (seriously may have strained my eyes in my attempt to keep from rolling them.)

It's a nonissue. We weren't in trouble but sure, we shouldn't be using work email like that (if she really wants to know how I feel she can go through Arthur's old emails that she got when he left.) Sarah's upset because Robin's her boss. Michele speaks to her and hopefully really got her less freaked out. Michele also speaks to IT and finds out no one has access to our emails but us (because our first thought was Robin was tracking her department's emails.) Instead someone (Becky) got into Sarah's emails and read them then tattled to Robin. Robin made it an issue. I apologized to Tammy on Wednesday because I don't want her bothered with bullshit drama from my old boss.

My best friend and her husband are on quarantine until after Thanksgiving. As long as she doesn't test positive I won't have to quarantine from our walk on Monday. My brother's on his second quarantine. My mom's office shut down until after Thanksgiving because they had a positive case. I want a quarantine. Or a cold so I have to be 72 hours symptom free before I return to work.

[carolinemillerbooks]

New Post has been published on Books by Caroline Miller

New Post has been published on https://www.booksbycarolinemiller.com/musings/our-minds-our-bodies/older-better2/

Older But Better

I surprised myself this morning and not pleasantly. After spending weeks trying to renew my mother’s handicapped parking placard with the Department of Motor Vehicles, I found the one I’d obtained earlier in my glove compartment. Now I had two placards with different numbers. What was my forgetfulness telling me?  As we grow old, there’s no denying our brains slow down. Recently, I took a test in a magazine to see how my answers might differ from those of a younger person’s. The first question was, “What is the difference between a tie and a cracker?”  I admit, I had to stop and think. What I saw first were the similarities between the two. Both objects had dimension; they were light weight; they had practical functions; they were manufactured items rather than natural, etc., etc, etc. Yes, I confess it. My brain went off on a tangent while a younger person, with less clutter in their memory bank, might have seen immediately that a cracker is food and a tie is clothing. But did my ruminations mean I was growing senile? Apparently not.  A German team has developed a computer model to support the notion that as people get older, their brains don’t get weaker, they get bogged down with information. (Also see Blog 5/2/13) Like a huge filing cabinet, older brains have lots of material to sort through to find the pertinent material. According to the German team, this sluggishness should be no cause for alarm. Put simply, the brains of older folks are too complex to fall for simple ideas. “…having a better understanding of language [they are] naturally resistant to nonsensical pairings.” (“Health & Science,” The Week, 2/14/14 pg. 19)  What a relief for those of us with a surplus of grey hair. We aren’t getting stupid. We’re suffering from a surfeit of knowledge. Now, that’s something to cheer about. I’d go out for an ice cream cone to celebrate if I could remember where I left my car keys.   (First published 4/2/14)                  

[mandimormon-blog]

“There Was a Problem in Africa.”

*Ninjago Birthday How-to (below)

I lied.  I lied and I have to admit it.  The last time I wrote a blog, I lied.

Sure, I didn’t realize I was lying. I guess it’s like addiction to something and being in super denial. Remember?  I went off on a crazy tangent of being busy and having a bunch of lists.  In conclusion of that, I mentioned a bunch of crap about living life presently, throwing out the lists and stressing less.  

The lie is - I can’t live without lists.  Lists complete me.  Lists make me feel like (regardless of reality) I’m in control and I have a plan in action.  There. I admitted it.

It’s been an Adventurous April full of busyness and fun.  The rest of the summer is looking quite productive, too.   How about kicking off with a Top 10 List (in order of occurrence) to initiate a blog, all of the things we’ve experienced this month (maybe more, but I didn’t write so I’ve forgotten) and how about one word to best describe each experience?  

1.       General Conference –  Inspirational

2.       Pennies for the Park – Motivational

3.       Time Out for Women – Edifying

4.       Lip Sync Battle – Spirited

5.       Piano Recital – Proud

6.       Passover Dinner – Insightful

7.       Easter – Love

8.       Jude’s Birthday – Happiness

9.       Subbing & Field Tripping – Educational

10.   Jude’s Ninjago Party – Energetic

Don’t worry.  I got photos.  I’m thrilled to share.

5. Piano Recital – I describe as proud because I am so proud of my girls.  It takes a lot of courage to get up there and perform in front of an audience.  This was Remi’s first piano recital.  She’s also Mr. Thompson’s youngest student because he likes to wait until 2nd grade to start kiddos, when they have a better concept of reading, and possibly because they’re more committed to practicing.  Remi loves piano and she was super inspired by an older student singing and playing the piano, at conclusion of the recital.  She is aspires to do the same.  This recital was Reis’s third one.  She’s started second semester, her first year.  She enjoys it, also, she wants to stick with it to avoid playing a musical instrument in the band.  I don’t know if we have a deal, but I’m thinking about making a compromise with her.  If she continues piano and runs cross country, we’ll call it even.  ;-D

2 6, 9 Medley - This was my FB update on Holy Week >> This week, our family has (ok.. maybe I have) selected activities to focus on the Holy Week and our Savior. For Family Home Evening tonight, we choose to do a Passover Dinner. The symbolism and meaning behind each element of the dinner was enlightening and fascinating (World Religions are intriguing to me). 

The obedience and sacrifice of those faithfully practicing is admirable. Christ, we know, partook of a Passover Dinner as the Last Supper. It was interesting to try those foods and pray in a particular manner, as well, wash, sing, and drink juice. Each item on our Seder (say-der) Plate (meaning 'order') had symbolism from Exodus, when the Israelites were freed of bondage from Pharaoh. 

Several sites had mixed beliefs about what the egg represented. Some say it's a sign of Spring. Others say it represented the people becoming stronger under the extreme conditions.Our Matzah was broken and passed at the table, it's a flat cracker-like "bread". It was said it didn't have time to rise as the people fled. It was also a sign of a poor man's bread. A piece was broken, wrapped in cloth, and hidden for the children to later find. The seeker then was often rewarded with a toy or candy. Perhaps the beginning of Easter Egg Hunting? Only a speculation.  I wasn't aware of just how diligent some treat the Passover. 

Did you know some clean or should I say sanitize their homes even with q-tips or toothpicks to remove all leavened bread? Some even dispose of dishes or utensils to make these Chavetz (bread, cereal, cake, grains). They will not feed it to their cattle nor pets during this 7-8 day Passover period. (I'm sure those practicing this religion can probably sympathize with a gluten-free life.)So we've brushed up on our Jewish Culinary Skills as well as our terminology. I think It's safe to say we have a new family tradition.

Pennies for the Park was a two-week campaign

Time Out for Women was incredible.  I learned so much or maybe realized so much.  With the message of enduring and having faith, speakers spoke of their own struggles, stories, and examples.  One I loved was about internalizing what we learn and grace.  He mentioned how it would be so simple if it in the moment we wanted something, it magically appeared, like *Poof* like Harry Potter.  I want to by skinny. *poof* or I want to fluently speak Spanish *poof*   Change without challenge isn’t change.  Internalizing is a learning process.  It’s through the learning process we learn.   I’m not sure anyone remembers the exact day they learned the alphabet or the pledge of allegiance because it took a lot of days or weeks or practices to finally get it.  Repetition. Remember my story about the prepositions?  Just like that.  It took a long time, therefore it was stored in my memory forever.  

What about music?  My kids were floored, I think I mentioned, when I could sing along with the Trolls movie while we were watching it in the theater.  It’s because I knew those songs (they were remakes).  I have a library of music in my brain, just hanging out. Yet, it was challenging to learn the veins and arteries in the human body and identify them in a cadaver during Anatomy and Physiology II in college.  (I always say that was because the human body isn’t color coded like a health textbook.)  Guess how many arteries and veins I remember?   Maybe four.   Short-term memory is different than long-term, or things we internalize.  

Wilcox said our Heavenly Father can instantly prepare a mansion for us, but we won’t be prepared instantly for one.  We can’t cram for final judgement or the test of life.  It takes time.  The learning process is just as important as the end results.  

I just love that

Apparently, it was longer than I guessed on last blog date. 

After lots of hard work, learning the Thriller (Michael Jackson) choreography as a youth group, we performed at the Lip Sync Battle and took home the trophy. These boys and girls worked hard practice after practice and it showed! 

I am personally thankful for YouTube, the Salvation Army, and all of our Brothers and Sisters that helped us through this process.  YouTube has an amazing tutorial by Funk Mode that can teach you, step-by-step, that energetic Zombie routine.  The Danville Salvation Army had a 25 cent sale on the first Saturday of April.  I hustled over so I could get back before Conference started.  Remi and I picked out anything we saw that would work, black pants, white tops, to create our Zombie costumes.  So, I spent $10.75 for 43 articles of clothing.  Those pieces were didn’t butcher were donated back.  With the chosen pieces, and help from YouTube, we took a steak knife to shred and fray and dye (in spray bottles) to add our bloody, sweat, and grime.  Cocoa powder (from the kitchen cabinet) for dirt and voila!  TJ was our Michael Jackson with the authentic costume from the music video. I saved our costumes for Halloween, too.  I couldn’t trash them.Make-up and hair by our own personal design team.  Sister Julian, our sister missionaries, and Sister Heath (who did the authentic wounds). They are oh SO talented.  This was probably the best event ever.  Who doesn’t love Thriller?    

Our son turned six.  My baby.  The blog title, as you may have wondered was another classic Jude quote.  I didn’t laugh even though inside I was dying.  On Friday, around 6:45 a.m. I saw the school’s number show up on my cell phone.  I wasn’t out of bed yet, but I tried clearing my throat to sound awake.  It didn’t work.  I sounded like an 80 year-old binge smoker.   Still, I accepted the invitation to sub and surprisingly when I showed up, I realized within the half hour I’d be attending a field trip.  It was about safety and I didn’t realize how much these nine year-olds needed this until one little boy came up to me and explained how he’d answered a question about ATV safety with a particular answer because his dad taught him how to drive an ATV without safety gear.  He explained you go slow and take corners slowly.  Oh dear.

I was expecting my youngest son to go on a field trip that day, too.  But when he and his buddy came into my classroom after school he said they didn’t go.  I was confused and asked why not?  His response, “There was a problem in Africa.”You may be confused as to why a problem in Africa would eliminate a field trip in Indiana.  Or maybe you’re questioning where he was going. He meant “Attica”.  They were going to see a movie in Attica, but apparently a citizen there had been building bombs.  I’m so thankful our school corporation is on top of the happenings in this area and puts students #1 when it comes to safety.  

Another hilarious (to me) conversation we had was during our drive to a birthday party, we were late for, this weekend.  I was chatting with him about another buddy of his and telling him his father was a cop. Jude was fascinated with this.  He told me that’s why his other buddy loved cops and wanted to be one.  I then said I think he may also work at the prison.  Maybe I should’ve said correctional facility, but Jude latched right on with continued fascination.  His response was, “Wow… that’s cool.  Can we take a field trip to the prison?”

Inside, I died.  I could only imagine a kindergarten field trip to the prison, “Here children, this is what happens when you don’t listen to your teachers.” or “Here’s another option of a life choice.” (Sidebar – I’m kidding, that’s very light-hearted and not meant to be judgmental)Instead I answered Jude by saying, “Maybe you should ask your teacher about doing that.”  That should be an interesting conversation with my son, whose favorite color is orange.

You should probably take this moment to feel sympathy for my husband regarding the invention of Pinterest. Have I mentioned I have a Doctorate in Pinterest Research?

Here’s my Asian dining table, my husband constructed for.  Surrounded by this I found an amazing steal on silky pillow cases at Dollar Tree (Yes, $1 each).  However, I only had about 7 pillows, I borrowed 5 from my mother.  Since I needed approximately 9 more, I began stuffing blankets and stuffed animals in the remaining pillow cases to finish my seating.  

I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to eat dinner at a low-floor table.  I mean all my life, I thought it would be the coolest thing ever.  So, I made my dream come true, vicariously.

Speaking of vicariously, or not-so-vicariously, did you notice my husband?  Sensei Allen.  As a child he wanted a Ninja Party.  In Jude’s case, when you’re young, daddy has mad-tool-skills, you want a NInjago party, and your mom has her Doctorate in Pinterest Research, you get a fun, entertaining ninja training course party to become Masters of Spinjitzu.  

If you’re local, the cake and cookies were inspired by Pinterest and made by Cookie Grandma (Attica) or should I say Africa?  She’s on Facebook and her prices cannot be beat! 

Ninjas had to breakdown a block wall (since this is a Lego thing), to pass off one of their areas of training.  These are simply boxes, I hadn’t recycled, wrapped in Dollar Tree kraft paper. 

I created this on our way home from Conner Prairie during the first week of Spring Break.  But I’m not giving myself all of the credit, it’s a spin-off of multiple ideas on Pinterest.  

My husband crafted these swords.  The Elders tried to convince him to place a thin strip of PVC through the center, but he insisted moms would be mad if the swords could cause real injury.  This sweet Elder remembered from his youth how to make Ninja Stars.  He probably regrets remembering because I sent him home with 30 pieces of card stock the day before the party to make 30 of them.  The little boys and girls LOVED knocking down crepe-paper wrapped toilet paper and paper towel rolls using their Ninja Stars.  It also was part of their training.

Sensei says (a knock-off of Simon Says) with Sensei Allen.  

The opening of gifts.  This was complete chaos so I only know from Jude’s recollection what came from where, but he was elated by all he received and was super happy.   Notice the shirts.  You may have been thinking wow, that’s over the top and expensive.  Actually, it was cheap and a great alternative to a goody bag.  These t-shirts came from Dollar Tree, that’s right, $1 Youth t-shirts.  I used printable, iron-on sheets from Hobby Lobby to print and iron on the Ninjago eyes.  Sure, the quality isn’t amazing and after a few washes they make begin to fade or peel but that’s a fabulous play shirt and for the party, it was perfect.  Those party favors cost less than $2.00 each!  That’s a win in my book. 

Same with the personalized Ninja headbands.  This idea was cute but it was genius when the kids arrived and things got crazy.  Every kid had a name tag.  We didn’t have to be like “Hey You!” or “Little Boy!” we called each child by their name because it was plastered across their forehead.  I highly recommend this, parents. 

Again, something fun and affordable.  I purchased 3 yards of white fabric from Hobby Lobby (with the 40% coupon) and ironed on the names printed, using the free font called “Karate”.

Jude, is breaking the wood (Balsa Wood which is more foam than wood) - this was the last test to become Masters of Spinjitzu.  Then they earned their ninja swords for a battle with Sensei.  Which was comical when he took every kid on at the same time. 

After each child went through the course, it was basically a free-for-all. 

Happy Birthday!  We had cake, cookies, ice cream, and some authentic chinese food like rice, wontons, and spring rolls.  All of the kiddos had chop sticks but they preferred using those like drum sticks.  We also had a spread of fruits and veggies, and cheese.  I printed the Ninja eyes from Pinterest, free.  I got most of our paper products at Dollar Tree, including the disposable table covering.  Lucky Bamboo came from Meijer for only $1.75 each.  I told my husband they were going to be so lucky it would be a dry, beautiful Saturday.  (Since cold rain was in the forecast).  Guess what?  We got lucky!  It was beautiful!  

Before the Sensei, Master Teacher Battle. 

That’s how you throw an Ultimate Ninjago-themed Birthday Party!  I give you these pointers, because if you haven’t watched Lego Batman, you may not have seen the preview for Lego Ninjago the Movie that’s coming out this fall.  It’s going to be BIG, my friends.  Prepare yourselves.  Your sons will request this.  

Running with Reis, my dream has come true!  Seriously, this girl wants to train for her mile run in a couple of weeks.  This makes me SUPER happy!! 

FHE on the Lawn.  Using our Asian-inpsired table.  BYOP (Bring Your Own Pillow) or in this case, we used our tire tubes from the party. 

Dr. Remi, the Vet.  She loved typing at this computer and giving orders to her peers at the Terre Haute Children’s Museum.  This place was amazing! 

Competition is this weekend.  Full dress, makeup rehearsal this past week.  Remi loves ballet and Miss Faye. 

I always try to catch her leap.  I should hold it down but I keep forgetting.  This was on the way down.  She amazes me. 

Gram is renovating, and this is one of her helpers! 

I think that’s it, in a nutshell that only took a couple of hours to put together.

May the lists be ever in your favor.  As I hope making them will simplify recollection for my blog posts.  Have a great week (I hope it’s only a week) or month!  

[mamasgonewalkabout-blog]

Into The Mystic

Sailing Magnetic Island (Aka Maggie) – Apr 23, 2018

DISCLAIMER: If you hate seeing my ridiculous, lop-sided grin and reading a bunch of self-congratulating drivel, this blog is NOT for you! Consider yourself well warned!

As I’ve mentioned before, I am constantly embroiled in some sort of internal tug of war. Being intrigued, yet cautious (dare I say afraid). Adventuresome, yet stuck. Energetic, yet lazy. Young at heart, old in body!! I’d like to think I’m not the only one?? There’s a constant inner argument of what is or is not: Possible. Proper. Realistic. Folly. Stupid. Silly. Dangerous. Brave. Cowardly.

Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there. I blame sunstroke 😉 And the fact that I managed to accomplish many of my ‘be-brave-and-just-do-it’ moments yesterday. *I understand that most, if not all, of the things that I have never tried and/or been afraid of are old hat, or inconsequential, to many. I’m not looking for a medal, or kudos for doing something considered natural for most human beings! I guess I just want to record my journey and have something to look back on when I’m feeling the coward, or incapable of trying something new. And who knows, for as many who may shake their head at the triviality of it all, there may be just one who finds inspiration – hence my sharing.

Welcome aboard the Big Mama. She’s a beautiful boat and home to 3 of the nicest people you’ll meet. Lisa, Stuart and their son Fletcher (and their little dog too!). They ooze exactly what you’d imagine true ‘island cool’ to be. Sailors to the core. And the other 2 families that joined us for the day (both from other parts of Oz) were super friendly as well.

The morning started off with coffee and fresh scones (with jam & whipped cream). *OMG I could’ve eaten an entire platter! (There will be no pictures of food as we were too busy eating it! Sorry) Then it was over to another part of the Island to a private beach to go for a swim, kayak or paddle board.

Here comes first “Big Decision” moment. The sailboat couldn’t make it too close to shore (John says we were about 50 or so meters out? Sure, okay I’ll take it) So, we could either swim in or Stu would motor us in on the dingy.

  INTERNAL DIALOGUE:

“The water may be beautiful, BUT you still can’t see what’s going on below”

“It’s not that far, and look, others are doing it!”

“You are NOT a strong swimmer, remember? You sink like a stone. Your dog paddle is like something out of a ‘how not to swim’ demo in an after-school special”

“But the water is super salty and you can actually float here!”

“Go ahead, make a fool out of yourself and need rescuing half way across.”

SCREW IT! Let’s do this!

The real beautiful thing about this moment was that I did not attempt to race to shore, imagining the giant <insert your worst nightmare creature here> coming up to take a chunk out of me. I just floated along (so much salt, I don’t think I could’ve drowned it I’d wanted too!) and made my way across. The water was so warm. Like a liquid cocoon. And I made it to the beach. Victory is mine!

Then I started eyeing up those Stand Up Paddleboards. Like surfing, I’ve wanted to try them as well. Something about gliding over the water on your own steam. I ask Stu “What’s the trick to those?” he had a one-word answer, “Relax”. Huh? Okay, fair enough.

I watched the others for a bit. Now, watching most everyone’s multiple attempts produce wobbling and falling into the water (including Mr. I-Stood-Up-Surfing), did not inspire confidence! And that’s the truth! But, by God I was going to TRY. “Big Decision Moment” #2

I clambered onto the board and onto my knees. Okay, that wasn’t so bad. Using the paddle for leverage and balance in front of me (as I’d watched in Youtube videos LOL) I took a deep breath, took Stu’s advice “Relax” and pushed myself up. With one push I WAS UP. And it felt AWESOME. And, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel great to hear my compatriots hooting & hollering their congratulations behind me as I began paddling about. I even managed to ‘dismount’ with some sort of grace as well, I might add 😉

So, I practiced a while longer and PADDLED my way back, that 50+ meters to the boat. Now, if I may add a wee bit of humility here (going for total honesty of course!) As I approached the boat Lisa and Stu were having a good laugh. Apparently, I was BACKWARDS on the board AND I was also holding the paddle BACKWARDS. (No wonder it took all my energy! Huh!) So, my paddling dyslexia made things harder than they needed be, but I still did it. I shall take that embarrassment and turn it into a major success. BOOM!

Back on the boat, we were now invited to try Boomnetting. I’d never heard of it before. The idea of purposefully lowering myself into a large fishing net and being dragged along the water behind a boat (the word ‘bait’ comes to mind) had never really been on my Bucketlist, I must say. “Big Decision Moment” #3 Climbing into a giant net and hanging on for dear life. Why the hell not? I’m on a roll!

Back on the boat Lisa produced a feast of a lunch that can only be described as crazy delicious (where IS that thesaurus??) Baked Spanish mackerel with lemon, potato salad, a red beet coleslaw (reminded me a bit of my Oma’s Italian Salad, that pink color) green salad, chicken skewers, beef skewers and warm fresh rolls with butter. How she managed all that in that little galley kitchen –my hat’s off to you, lady! I then proceeded to plop myself, unceremoniously, into one of the many comfy beanbag chairs to digest as we sailed off to find a good snorkel spot on the fringing reef.

Next up: VERY, VERY OPEN WATER SNORKELING. “Big Decision Moment” #4 There is something very different about snorkeling near shore and snorkeling out in the middle of the Big Blue Ocean. I did it and I’m glad I did. The reef is RIGHT THERE underneath, some of the larger sea grass nearly touching me (eek!) My heart pounded the whole time and I got the hiccups (hiccups through a snorkel, sounds ridiculous btw!!) but I saw some amazing shaped coral and plenty of colorful fish.

Side note: As I was putting on my flippers, I turned to Stu “Am I putting these on the right feet? I’ve been known to do things backasswards you know?” He called me a ‘cheeky American’. Funny guy!

And then we proceeded to sail back. The water was definitely choppier than when we’d left and we did some rockin’ and rollin’, that’s for sure! Big Moment for My Tummy – I did not get seasick (as I thought I might) Even managed to scarf down some cookies and fruit for dessert. I just might be a pro, people! LMAO

It was an amazing day filled with adventure and camaraderie. 

And, I have to thank John for his support & playing photographer( so I would have ‘proof’ of my momentous accomplishments). He just shakes his head and let’s me do my thing, and that’s a major accomplishment for him! The patience of Job, that guy!

Anyways, I am tired and sore as I type. Even adventurous souls need a bit of R&R now and again. Nothing Ibuprofen and an afternoon by the pool won’t cure.

Big hugs to all and to all a good night! xoxoxo

[rilenerocks]

I’ve been thinking along several seemingly disparate pathways the past couple of days. I’ve always been like that. The other day, I met a friend to help her sort through a harsh diagnosis her partner had recently received. After a lifetime of dealing with medical issues, starting with my mom’s lifetime health problems which frightened me when I was just a little girl, to the ones that appeared throughout the decades in other family and friends, and eventually the five year cancer trip with Michael, I’ve gotten pretty good at wading into the morass of illness. My mom always said, “I’m sorry you were exposed to all my physical troubles, but look how smart you got?” Thanks, mom.

This friend of mine I met with is a fellow swimmer. Perversely, we met outside our empty pool where we’d swim next to each other for years while swapping life stories. Outside of the summer months, we’d rarely get together. Up until last Tuesday, aside from our summer swimming, we’d had lunch together exactly twice in three years. She is an artist and photographer. I’ve purchased a few of her pieces which are unique and especially marvelous because she repurposes a lot of throwaway stuff that would otherwise be landfilled. Last year she came to my house to take pictures of me and my yard, which were to be featured in a show about women and their gardens. That show was cancelled because of the virus quarantine. Maybe someday? Who knows?

Anyway, what frequently  comes up in our conversations is how I always go off on tangents in what appear to be significant digressions from the topic at hand. But in my circuitous way,  I always wind up back on the subject. That’s what this blog is going to be like on this mild, sunny day, as I sit in my backyard with my feet kicking away in my kiddie pool. I’m watching butterflies feed while looking at and listening to birds. I’m learning a lot out here. I’m trying not to worry about Pumpkin, the female cardinal I foolishly attached myself to, despite knowing that’s a bad move with any wild animal. I haven’t seen her in two days. Carmine, her male partner has been omnipresent. And I believe I spotted one of their babies at my bird feeder yesterday, identified by a splotch of that beautiful cream color of its mom.

I can’t hear a damn thing out here except for the birds. My headphones are turned up loud. I’m in my own universe with just the natural world, music, and the always palpable sense of Michael that emanates from this space. Sometimes I catch myself staring at what I can only describe as hologram of him, weeding away in his incredibly meticulous vegetable beds. I can actually see the tendons moving in his legs which were pretty scrawny compared to his muscled upper body. It kind of reminds me of what popped out of R2D2 when Obi-Wan Kenobi retrieved Princess Leia’s message in the first Star Wars film.

The other morning, I was hurrying through kitchen chores when my son showed up in the dining room. He’s staying with me for awhile he works on a postdoc at our local university. I was chattering away at him when he looked at me through bleary eyes and asked, “ what’s up with this intense energy level so early in the day?” Despite my 70th birthday being my next, I still have almost the same high energy that I did when I was young. Apparently that’s  hardwired into me. Sometimes I think it’s dissipated over time, but only on a relative scale, I move at a faster pace than most of my family of origin. My mom, despite her ailments, was clearly the progenitor for this trait. My dad spent his time off work lolling on the couch. Everyone in my immediate family also slept more than me. The same was true for the family Michael and I made together. I was always the first one awake, back in the days we were still living as a unit. In addition to the excess energy and the need for less sleep, I have an essentially sunny disposition. I can be sad, go to dark interior places and certainly recognize them, but in me, they don’t last long. After a sad day, I’m always surprised to feel my humor and energy bubble up from somewhere in me. Even in the worst of times, that’s been consistent. Once, a very long time ago, my brother, eight years older than me, told me that the first time he felt real joy was when I was born. I marveled at that statement. My parents also told me that I was such an easy, good baby that they were worried about me. I fell asleep easily with no complaints, which made them put a mirror under my nose to make sure I was still alive. I wasn’t a fussy eater and wasn’t ever colicky. I burbled happily through my days, primarily content and effortlessly pleased.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m certainly not that sweet saccharine type that you might want to punch in the face. I’m just relentlessly not difficult on a daily basis. Michael always said I was a cheap date, easily pleased and satisfied without a lot of effort. In other words, I’m not high maintenance. There’s just a lightness in me, sometimes despite all my efforts to the contrary. I’d like a maudlin wallow that lasted longer than an afternoon. My recovery time is so fast, I always feel like no one ever feels sorry enough for me. Maybe a more dramatic show of angst would get me more attention. Oh well. I think it’s mostly biology that’s running my show, modified by life and experience, but fundamentally locked in. I was twenty when I moved in with Michael and he often told me during our 45 years, that I was the singularly most unchanged person he ever knew. I took that as a compliment. He didn’t mean that I hadn’t evolved during our life together, but rather that my fundamental self was consistent. Since his death, I find that taken together, these essential traits of mine are both beneficial and problematic. My behavior indicates to the outside world that I’ve adapted fairly well to losing my partner. I do a lot of different activities. My brain is still active and I’m perpetually curious. I can have conversations about virtually anything. But inside of me where my intangible substance lives, I feel like I’m just fabricating a life to occupy my time. After all, I’m still alive.  My instincts tell me I have to do something. But in my depths, I often think this is all filler, placeholders for what my real life should be, a real life which still feels like my old life with Michael. I don’t know if or what a person is supposed to be in this world. You hear all these quotidian lines – “she’s a born mother,” “he’s a born grandfather,” all these “born” descriptors which seem to define some essential bent that we’re all expected to have. I suppose if that’s true, I’m a born life partner. Except I’m still here being that while my partner is gone. I don’t want another one. I can’t find a shred of evidence in me that would indicate I want to team up with anyone else. So basically, I’m using my essential traits and making up the current me on a daily basis. I don’t much like this. I simply don’t see another choice.

I guess that focusing on transience is the best coping mechanism I can employ to deal with this piece of time. Like the 18th century Dutch painter Rachel Ruysch, whose still lifes show the influence of the Vanitas movement, which display the inevitability of death and the loss of earthly things, I know that ultimately everything and everyone will disappear, if not completely, then certainly by changing form at the very least. Her painting above shows flowers reaching the end of their prime. I can relate to that.

  I’ve now lived in my town for almost 52 years. First I was a student with my life centered mostly around campus. After a time, I moved into the community at large. The places I spent time in over these decades, vary in terms of their continued consistent  physical presence, a modified presence or their complete disappearance. I rarely go through the university campus any more.

But the other day, I drove through the heart of what is known as Campustown, very near the main quadrangle where I attended classes in beautiful old buildings, many of which were constructed in the late 19th century and the early 20th century. Of course there have been many renovations and updates to those over the years. They are still recognizable. But Campustown is completely changed. High rise buildings dominate the landscape, mostly businesses on the first floors and apartments above. Green space is noticeably absent. Many of the places I frequented have vanished. I have vivid memories of them.

The Record Service where both Michael and I worked, he for 27 years, had several locations in the heart of that place. No trace of it exists. The corner drugstore which sold sundries and the like, but also had a few booths and a kitchen where for a modest price, you could get a hot roast beef or turkey sandwich with gravy and mashed potatoes. My friend Fern and I went there a lot. There was the Spudnuts doughnut shop and Follett’s bookstore. The Co-Ed movie theater and McBride’s plus the Art Mart which now exists in a new location far from campus.

There was Mabel’s, the music venue on the second floor of a building on the main drag, with an impossibly steep staircase even when my knees were good. The Deluxe, home of the best fish sandwich I’ve ever eaten. The Cellar, a basement “head” shop, Thimble and Threads, an alternative clothing store, The Leather Shop and Marrakech Clothing Imports. The Campus Florist, The Art Coop and the camera store way before digital cameras existed. Bailey and Himes sporting goods store. Chin’s restaurant and The Brown Jug. All these places and more exist in my mind. I can feel myself in them, feel what I’m doing as I jiggle my favorite pinball machine, Drop-a-Card, a little tipsy from beer which I never liked. I see my view of the stage from the good tables at Mabel’s where you could listen without getting too squished and sweaty and still get up to dance if you were so inclined. I can see my friends and remember conversations there. And of course there is Michael with me. As I drove down that strange but familiar street, I realize that when I’m gone, along with others in my peer group, all that energy from that time will spiral out into the universe somewhere, vanished from sight but yet alive in a context I can’t fathom. I believe that science will one day bear out my feelings about those mystical ideas.

A year or so ago, I had the presence of mind to drive around town to take pictures of every place I lived in before Michael and I bought the house I still currently occupy. Two places were demolished but I found photos of one of them. The other I hope to describe before that memory disappears. In my head, I can still walk through all those houses, turning into the kitchens, the bedrooms, the bathrooms. I can feel the  doorknobs in my hands. I navigate the past, parallel to the present. So much has happened in my life already. With the grinding repetitive routine that the coronavirus has required of me, these filler assignments that I concoct to occupy the present vacant time, aren’t as much fun as what’s already behind me, or next to me, or floating around somewhere in these difficult-to-comprehend wavelengths that are the stuff of physics and string theory and other befuddling concepts. I’ll take these scientists at their word while wishing for concepts easier for me to understand.

The other day, my son told me that my daughter didn’t want to sell our house after I die. Actually, she’d already told me that. He doesn’t really want to sell it either. I think I get it. Our home is like their ancestral shrine. People tend to move a lot in this country. When I came here in 1968 I was a 17 year old college freshman. Ten years later, after living with Michael and bumping around for six years, we bought this house, never dreaming we’d live here forever. But that’s how things worked out. I am anchored here, where so much of my adult life happened. My kids were conceived here and stayed until they went off to college. But they came back and brought their friends. We hosted 35 Thanksgiving dinners here with a wide assortment of family and stragglers. People who needed a place to stay intermittently shared our space. My mother lived here in a room that still smells like her. Michael and I did every conceivable activity that passes between friends and lovers here, up to and including his death. I am never uncomfortable or unhappy with our memories in this space. I wondered if I would be but instead it’s my gift and comfort to be here. If I’m lucky, I’d like to die in this place, just like Michael, although no one can predict what awaits us. If I could choose it, though, this is where I’d be.

When we moved in here, there was major reclamation to be done on this structure built in 1893. Daunting work and still it never ends. But the house emitted these wonderful feelings immediately, and we often wondered what good things must’ve happened that lingered in the walls and drifted out, enveloping us in the warmth of home. I imagine we’ve added to that deep resonance of succor which is palpable to me. I’m not surprised that my kids intuitively understand that their history still resides here. Not  something they’re likely to quickly cast aside once I’m gone, to hopefully commingle with whatever is Michael, who is out there afloat, still pulling on me daily, while I make up my current daily existence. All these changes I’ve experienced, internally and externally. My, my. I muddle along, creating a space around me that seems to pass for a full life. Maybe filler is too negative a connotation for what I’m doing now. Some days are better than others. I am confident that I still have value in this world and my intellect is fully operative which helps immeasurably. But the draw of my partner still dominates me after three years and change. If that alters, maybe I’ll redefine my current perceptions of this iteration of me.

Filler I’ve been thinking along several seemingly disparate pathways the past couple of days. I’ve always been like that.

[xiae-fangwen-blog]

First Post - & Pride & Prejudice (Kdrama)

Hey everyone~ Gwen here~ Rookie singer/songwriter I may be, but that doesn’t mean that’s my only life! Especially on a day like today, when I’m not feeling good. (being sick is loads of fun~~~ x.x) I’m as much a fangirl as any girl out there, and I want to share that love of dramas and musicals and books and idols and everything else possible with everyone~ So here I have this blog, dedicated to my fangirl side - FanGwen! It’s a horrible pun I know don’t hate me for it...

First on my fangirl list: Pride & Prejudice, the kdrama from 2014.

Why this one first? Because I just barely watched the first episode. ^~^ I’m just going to pick up with you where I am currently at, and insert different old favorites and whatnot in the mix as I go along. Bear with me~

I became interested in Pride & Prejudice because of Choi Jin-hyuk. I watched Gu Family Book for the first time recently, and I adore his romance more than the rest of the story. (apparently everyone loves his character more than anything else. thinks the rest of the story was bad? controversial opinion in the Gu Family Book fandom: I thought the rest of the drama was good too. I liked the other romance, the other stuff going on. I only disliked the ending - it could have been way better. should’ve been. but I’m not here to talk about Gu Family Book. tangent - end!) I could go on and on about Wol-ryung’s character and how much I adore him, but I’ll refrain. For now.

But, as generally happens with amazing characters that I fall in love with, I become interested with the actors who gave them a face and voice and brought them to life. So, I checked out Choi Jin-hyuk and looked up what else he was in. That doesn’t mean I went straight from Gu Family Book to Pride & Prejudice. No. I watched Fighter of the Destiny (another one I will not get started on it’s so good) and Pretty Li Hui Zhen (that one was good too; I watched it because of Dilraba, then got interested in Sheng Yilung which led to) Go Princess Go (which I skimmed through in one night because it was not my cup of tea, far too corny, very immature humor - it made me laugh, definitely, and I enjoyed the romance between Peng Peng and the crown prince - it was good fluff candy, but that’s it) - see how I look at dramas based on how interested I am in the actor behind the characters? is it just me that does this? - and then I started Pride & Prejudice today. (That was a horrible run-on sentence. Sorry, English geeks.) Honestly I forgot why I was interested in Pride & Prejudice until I started watching it, saw Jin-hyuk and remembered.

I would like to make the claim that I don’t just like the shows because of the actors in them. I gave the example of Go Princess Go. I didn’t love it. I barely even like it. The romance is sweet enough and difficult enough that it gave me the need to see it through the end, but I was skipping through the episodes like a stone skips on a lake. When thrown by someone skilled. lol Anyway, point being, I check out shows based on actors, I enjoy shows based on plot and the particular things that I like about dramas. Points for historical, points for fantasy, points for romance; if I’m in a mood for political intrigue I’m not in the mood for a Wuxia style; my tastes come and go, and that’s how I roll.

Back to Pride & Prejudice - I’m liking it so far. Episode 1, and the case the prosecutors had to take on already is so intense. No petty thievery, going straight to the worst type of criminals who are the most unsuspecting people. Though, watching a drama, everyone that enters the episode is suspicious. But the show started with a great hook - the girl staring at the guy across the street. I thought - is he cheating on her? No, they haven’t seen each other for five years apparently? (While I went to look up what else I’ve seen with the girl in it - Empress Ki & Missing 9 - I saw a summary. spoilers! honestly.) And then they fall into that banter that’s both playful and not at the same time. Courtesy and casual familiarity concealing blades born of deep wounds - which I assume will be a misunderstanding, based on the spoiler summary I saw.

Anyway, with this awesome tension going on in the main lead, and the intense cases already being handled by them, I’m really looking forward to the rest of the show. Can I also mention: Choi Min-soo. Oh my goodness, he is such a cool actor! I love everything I’ve seen him in, every role I’ve seen him act. I wonder how much I’ll be able to eat of it while I’m sick. Will I finish it today? Tomorrow? I wonder how late I’ll stay up. I don’t want to be up till 3 again! My eyes are still killing me.