#also while developing drug addiction or losing your home is not your fault. you still need to hold people accountable for their actions

[yuri-for-businesswomen]

someone has never lived with a coke addict. lmao

no but for real i see these posts a lot and while the basic idea is 100 % correct (drug addiction and homelessness are not personal or moral failures and people affected deserve respect and dignity), they usually take a direction or have implications i dont agree with.

first off, drug addiction is not a class issue. people of all backgrounds are drug addicts. ceos too. so i dont know what this has to do with leftism? as someone who struggles with substance abuse and for that reason has lived with and been around addicts, there are good reasons for people to be biased against them. in active addiction, many people are erratic, unpredictable, and egoistic. being wary of active addicts is self-preservation, not „bourgeois“ or whatever the reference to leftism is supposed to imply. this is also partly a gendered issue because men tend to exhibit addiction, egoism, and aggression at higher rates than women.

secondly, especially at the intersection of homelessness and drug addiction - i see a lot of these posts taking the direction of „mind your business if a homeless man is next to you mumbling to himself“ etc - it seems these people also romanticise what drug addiction with nothing to lose can do to a person. a friend of mine was hit in the face by a homeless man walking by, someone else i know was stabbed by a homeless man after they took him in. just because someone is underprivileged you dont have to stop listening to your insticts and keeping your distance to erratic and intoxicated men who seem like they might do something unpredictable. this doesnt just mean homeless men by the way, i dont trust any men exhibiting this behavior, and yeah would possibly call the cops if someone like that hung around my home or work (never have though).

on the other hand, when a homeless woman was hanging out in the hallway i let her be. my neighbor wanted to call the cops but i told her not to. personally i dont even care if she shoots up there, but if i had kids i might not want her around either.

are homeless drug addicts vulnerable and more likely to be harmed than harm someone else? yeah. do cops and doctors treat homeless people like shit? yeah. these are important conversations to have, but i wish they would happen without romantisation.

talk to any woman who has worked with homeless men, myself included - marginalisation is not virtue. many still harrass and even assault women. and these posts never take a gendered perspective: how most homeless and drug addicted women land in prostitution, how they are not safe in homeless shelters because of the men, etc.

im not saying op here said all of this but from the tone (and the tags and reblogs) it struck me as one of those posts that shames people for being alert around drug addicts and alcoholics when there is ample reason to, especially if youre a woman and theyre a man. and they never take a gendered perspective which is really important in this context, as it usually is.

[flyupandaway]

as usual im late to the party buuut!! 🍬&🦄 for adrian // 😵&💼 for soph // 💕&⛈️ for liam //🍯&💣 for maddie // 🏡&⌛ for viv // 🌼&🐢 for jonah!!

party doesn’t start until you arrive queen!!! ILY 💕 i had sm fun answering these 🥺

talk about your muse

Adrian

🍬  family headcanon

Adrian has never had a sense of family or home. He’s always been on his own, and up until recently, he’s liked it that way. He never really understood the value of family since he’s had to be on his own and look out for himself. He always had the belief that he had to look out for himself because no one else would. The closest thing he had to family was the guys who he would go to the casino with and that was mainly because he knew he could win their money from them so he kept them around. He considers his relationship with Dove as the first “family” he’s had (and later lil Annie going to join the family!!). 

🦄  physical health headcanon

Adrian struggles with alcohol dependency and there was a time a few years ago before he moved to Miami when he was drinking incredibly heavily and would black out for days at a time. He just didn’t feel like he had any sense of purpose and had nothing to do with his life. The drinking got better once he moved to Miami, got a job and started to win big at the casino. However, now that he’s out of the city, he has slowly started to increase his alcohol consumption and is again becoming dependent on the liquor, especially since he lives away from Dove and has nothing to keep himself occupied besides work.

 Sophie

😵 sickness headcanon

When Sophie isn’t feeling well, the only thing she will eat are french fries. She is convinced that french fries — and french fries alone — are the cure to any cold or flu. She pairs her fries with blue gatorade and red gummy bears. I feel like as soon as Milo notices Sophie feeling under the weather she stocks up on gummy bears and gatorade and is ready to run to McDonald’s at a moment's notice to get the fries. 

💼  work headcanon

Sophie normally falls asleep pretty early except on nights when she’s painting, drawing or working on her next project. She can stay up for hours when she’s inspired, oftentimes having to get dragged home by Milo to get into bed. She is typically a morning person but when she’s inspired and in the middle of working on something she turns into a night owl. She also gets very absorbed in her work, often losing track of time, forgetting to eat or the fact that she has to go to her second job. She’s definitely missed a few of her barista shifts because she was too busy painting away.

Liam

💕 love headcanon 

Liam doesn’t mean to be a player but he oftentimes gets himself into not the best situations, which started when he was in eighth grace. He had a crush on two different girls and thought he could get a date with both of them for valentine’s day. So he made sure to give a valentine to one and then the other to go see a movie with him. He strategically picked a movie in the afternoon and a movie in the evening, but he didn’t think about the fact that the two girls could run into each other in the bathroom—which is exactly what happened. Safe to say Liam got busted and also had a bucket of popcorn spilled on him, but at least it was after the afternoon movie date so it was just the evening movie he missed out on.

⛈️  sadness headcanon

While Liam hates being sad because it leads him to making impulsive, reckless decisions, he writes some of his best music when he’s upset about something or when he’s really happy. He’s written a number of songs about Grace during their arguments about how much he cares about her and doesn’t want to lose her, which just goes to show how special she is to him but also how stubborn he can get when he doesn’t want to apologize first or talk to her initially.

Madison

🍯 food headcanon

Madison wasn’t always as good of a cook as she is now. Her junior year of high school, Madison was trying to make a turkey for Thanksgiving in an effort to give her dad and brother a “normal” holiday after her mom left. The day was anything but normal considering the kitchen was filled with smoke, the turkey was still incredibly frozen and Madison almost caused a fire in the kitchen from leaving a cookbook open over one of the stove burners that was on. In her defense, Madison thought she’d turned a different burner on. Also, when she cooks for her dad and brother, Madison typically prepares whatever they want for dinner, so she doesn’t get to eat her favorite food that often, which is cheese raviolis. 

💣 stress headcanon

Madison has addictive tendencies just like her mother but instead of turning to drugs, Madison turns to work and picks up extra shifts. It isn’t unusual for her to go days without sleep when she’s feeling stressed and just run on autopilot in a way that she knows what’s going on around her but doesn’t feel like she’s in her body to experience it. It gets especially bad around her birthday, which is also a few days before her mom left. Since she’s usually the one taking care of others, she’s good at hiding her stress, although her brother is finally starting to catch on and he refers to her in this state as “Zombie Madison.” 

Vivian

 🏡 home headcanon

Given her involvement in her father’s business, Vivian is extremely paranoid about keeping things in her house. She recently rented out an apartment where she keeps most things related to the deals she is involved with, although the place looks normal. The house is what she uses when people come over or she’s hosting a dinner party for the “charity” she is in charge of. The apartment is where she keeps her money, weapons and other various items she needs for deals (and when deals go wrong). 

⌛ sleep headcanon

Despite her paranoia, Vivian typically sleeps great. Her confidence has especially increased lately after the hit on the Montgomery family since now she feels like she and her family are untouchable. She does get nightmares every couple of months though that have to do with when her younger sister was kidnapped years ago since her gut is telling her that things have been going too well smoothly. But she will never admit she has nightmares since that means admitting a weakness. As much as she cares about her family, her siblings especially, Vivian doesn’t do much to show it since she doesn’t want anyone to have something that can be used against her.

Jonah

🌼 happiness headcanon 

Jonah is happiest in the mornings when he takes Lucy on her morning walk and during the weekends when he volunteers at the animal shelter. He has always loved animals, dogs especially, and if he didn’t enjoy writing and working at his bookstore then he’d probably be doing something related to animals or maybe even go to vet school. He also set up bird feeders outside his apartment building and always carries around cat treats in his backpack if he comes across a stray. He is also an avid follower of his neighborhood's “lost pet” Facebook group because he hates when people are upset and doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Lucy. So he checks the group every so often in case he comes across an animal during one of his many walks with Lucy.

🐢 mental health headcanon

Jonah’s mental health could definitely be better. He carries around a lot of guilt over what happened to his girlfriend, even though it wasn’t his fault and it happened years ago. He has developed fairly severe insomnia over the years related to the accident. He also takes on other people’s emotions, especially sadness, which can be incredibly draining for him as he is going through his own sadness and grief. But he can’t help it because he wants to see those around him happy, even if that means putting himself in a worse position emotionally. He has a hard time saying no to people, and it’s not unusual for him to get stressed over the plans he’s made with friends because he couldn't’ say no but ended up double booking himself and has no idea how to do both things he agreed to.

[lovemesomesurveys]

What’s the most played song on your iPod? I haven’t used my iPod since 2012. I use Spotify on my phone, but I don’t think it tells you what your most played song is. What is one quality you admire most in others? People who are driven and get shit done. What would you do with a million dollars? Sigh. I’d have to first and foremost pay off my debt. I’d also help my parents and brother out. I’d get us a new house. Traveling is a must. What’s your favorite song to dance to? I don’t dance. Well, unless you count a little head bobbin’ and maybe a little movement of my arms or shoulders. lol. What would your ideal birthday party be like? I’m 30 and old so I don’t look forward to my birthday anymore, ha. If I were able to travel for my birthday then that would be nice.

If you could be reincarnated into anything you wanted, what would it be? I don’t want to be reincarnated. I don’t believe in it. What talent would you like to have? A talent at all would be cool, but in particular I wish I had any artistic ability or was musically inclined.  Are you ticklish? Just my neck. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 30+ hours. What New Year’s resolutions did you make? I don’t make those anymore. What are three songs that mean the most to you? Everlong (acoustic) by Foo Fighters, Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd, and... I’ve having a hard time choosing a 3rd. There’s so many songs that mean something to me for one reason or another. So many memories and emotions. Who is the one person you miss the most? There’s 3 someones.  What do you think of your parents? I love them with all my heart. I couldn’t keep going if I didn’t have them. My mom and I are super close, she’s my rock. What is one thing you would do to make the world better? I don’t know what I could do. What is your favorite kind of sandwich? My sandwiches at home consist of bologna, sharp cheddar cheese, mayo, mustard, and spinach with olive oil on the side mixed with basil and oregano for dipping. At my favorite deli I get turkey, salami, provolone, mustard, mayo, and oil and vinegar. If you had a puppy, what would you name it? My doggo’s name is Princess Leia. She’s 2, but she’ll always be my puppy. (: If I were to get another dog; though... I’m not sure what I would name him/her, but it’d also be after a character. If you could be invisible for a day, what would you do? I don’t know.  How much cash do you have on you right now? Zero. What do you think makes you attractive to other people? Nothing. Would more money make you happier? It would help with a lot, but I wouldn’t be cured of my mental and physical health. I’d still have that baggage. Money isn’t magic. What is one of your favorite memories as a child? So many. I loved my childhood. It’s not that I didn’t have any struggles or obstacles, cause I did, but honestly that’s not what stands out. I was a strong, brave, resilient kid. Kid me would be so disappointed in current me. What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do in your life? I’ve had a lot of struggles. How do you measure intelligence? I don’t know. There’s issues with the IQ test for one. Grades aren’t accurate representations of intelligence either; neither are exams. It’s a complicated thing.

What cartoons do you watch? Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and Doug. Have you ever used drugs? Only weed. If you were a Skittle, what flavor would it be? The red one I guess that’s the only one I liked. How would you describe your style? Very casual, ha. I wear leggings and oversized graphic tees. If you had to spend $1,000 in one hour, how would you spend it? Christmas presents for my family. What’s your favorite smell and why? I have many. Where do you buy your clothes? Mostly Hot Topic, Boxlunch, and Kohl’s.  What’s your favorite kind of cake? White cake with buttercream frosting, funfetti/rainbow chip with funfetti/rainbow chip frosting, red velvet with cream cheese frosting, lemon with lemon frosting, and strawberry with strawberry frosting. Does intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe? I don’t think there is in space, but what do I know. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be? I’m good right now. Are you into tattoos? Nah. Do you like photography? I mean, sure? I’m not a photographer, but I can appreciate nice photos. If you were a holiday, which one would you be? I love Christmas, but I’d probably be Halloween cause it’s dark and gloom, ha. Do you have any siblings? I have 2 brothers. If you were to get a tattoo, what would it be of? I’ve wanted to get free bird tattooed on my inner wrist for several years, but I highly doubt I’ll ever get it done. What’s the biggest celebrity you’ve ever seen in real life? Jamie Lee Curtis. I met her at a book signing years ago. How many pushups can you do? Zero. What person in history do you admire most? There’s a lot of admirable people in history. Who is your favorite actor? Alexander Skarsgard. What is the most daring thing that you have done in public? Nothing. Have you ever lied about your age? Only back during the AOL chat room days. :X Have you ever cried while watching a movie? If so, what movie? Yeah, I’m not usually one to cry during a movie, at most I may tear up a little, but there’s been a few who have managed to get me. When The Fault in our Stars came out I ended up seeing it by myself cause no one else I knew wanted to see it and I was in there bawling my eyes out lmao so it was better that I went alone. The Avengers: Endgame definitely got me. Are you afraid of anything that most people are not afraid of? Probably a few things.  Where do you see yourself five years from now? I just gotta take it day by day. What is your favorite candy? I haven’t had any candy in like over a year, but Reese’s are always a good choice. And white chocolate.  Have you ever watched someone struggle with addiction? Yes. Who do you look up to for your style? I don’t look up to anyone for my style.  Who is your favorite sports team? I don’t care about sports at all. How often do you drink alcohol? It’s been 6 years since I last had any alcohol.  What is your life in three words? Blah, bleh, and meh. If you could be anything in the world, what would you be? Healthy. Would you have a pet dragon? If so what color would it be? Um, no. I’m no mother of dragons or whatever. What’s your favorite sport? None. Do you believe that homeless people are dangerous? Just because someone is homeless it doesn’t mean they’re dangerous. Sure, some homeless people can also be dangerous, but it’s not mutually exclusive. If you could be skinny and miserable or fat and happy, which would you be? Well, I’m skinny and miserable now. I’m not miserable because I’m skinny, but it is related to some of the issues I have and also adds to some. I just want to be healthy and happy. Period. If your life flashed before you, what do you wish you would have done? I want to do something meaningful with my life.  If you were to invent something, what would it be? I have no idea. Who would you like to get to know better? No one at the moment. Have you ever had a near-death experience? I’ve had two. Do you fear death? Yes, of both losing my loved ones and dying myself. What is the strangest food you ever ate? I don’t eat anything I consider strange. I’m so picky and basic. Do you think you’re cool? Nope. I’m definitely not. What reality show would you like to be on? None. What’s your favorite thing to order at a Chinese food restaurant? Chow mien, pot stickers, egg rolls, and crab rangoon. I used to love orange chicken and kung pao chicken, but I can’t either one anymore due to the spicy food sensitivity I developed a few years ago. As someone who was once obSESSED with spicy food... it sucks. Are you happy with your life? No. If you could name your own planet, what would you call it? Planet Nowhere. I know that’s already a thing, but shh pretend it’s not. If you could live another 200 years. What would you hope to see? Oh yikes. I mean, the future terrifies me and I don’t want live 200 years, but I am curious about what the world will be like then. Like the advancements made and such. Hopefully it’s not worse... Would you rather be hot or cold? Cold. Definitely. How would you rate yourself? In the negatives. Would you ever move to a different country in an attempt to start over? Not another country, but another city, maybe even another state, yes. My family and I want to move out of here. If you could be a character from any book, who would you be? Hmm. Do you prefer taking baths or showers? I only take showers. I haven’t taken a bath since I was a kid. Do you still collect toys from Happy Meals? No. I heard they were bringing back popular ones from my childhood; though, and I kinda want to get those. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Uhhhh. I have no idea. I’m not the most spontaneous person. In your opinion what is the greatest challenge the world faces today? * Like, the world or jst humanity? Bc I think humanity is its own worst enemy <<< Most definitely. Do you like dogs or cats better? Cats are cute and all, but I’m a dog person all the way. What have you achieved that you once thought was impossible? Earlier this year I got really sick and it knocked me flat on my ass, causing a lot of issues and setbacks. I didn’t think I’d be able to get to where I am now, which still isn’t good, but not like it was then. It was just really, really bad. If an ex texted you out of the blue, how would you respond? I probably wouldn’t even respond at all to be honest. Do you have a favorite poet? No. What have you tried to quit, but weren’t able to? Picking my nails, picking at/biting my lips, and picking at acne. Would you rather go on a shopping spree with $200 or put it in the bank? Put it in the bank. What was the last rumor that you heard? *shrug* What country star would you most like to meet and why? Blake Shelton. He seems cool. Have you ever been in a car accident? No. Are you an organ donor? No. What is the most dangerous thing you have ever done? Not taking care of myself like I should be...not doing and neglecting certain things.  What is the meaning of life? Uhhh. What word do you like the sound of? I can’t think of an example right now. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor? Strawberry. Wow, I haven’t had ice cream in like 3 or 4 years.  Do you prefer cupcakes or muffins? I like both.  Are you an athlete? Nope. There’s nothing athletic about me at all. What did the last text message on your phone say? I don’t feel like checking. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen in your whole entire lifetime? Hmm. I don’t know what I’d choose as the funniest movie ever of all time. What’s the worst nightmare you’ve ever had? Losing my mom in one and my brother in another. I woke up literally shaking and sobbing. What do you know how to cook? Ramen. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had, and what was it from? The one that made me a paraplegic takes the cake I’d say. What’s your favorite amusement park ride? Most of the rides at Disneyland. What do you wish you were doing right now? I’m fine with doing this. Who are your musical influences? I don’t have any. I’m not an artist or musically inclined at all. What was your favorite band or musician when you were 12? The popular artists and groups at that time circa 2001. What’s the best pick-up line that’s ever been tried on you? I’ll never forget this one guy in high school who actually came up to me and asked me my sign lol. How many drinks can you handle? I was a lightweight. What was the longest phone conversation you’ve ever had? A few hours. I can’t believe I actually used to spend that much time on the phone at one point. What’s your favorite candle scent? Autumnal ones from Bath & Body Works are great.

[eldritchsurveys]

oo6.

1. Do you have any sort of “secret” goals or dreams, where you think about doing something a lot, but haven’t told anyone about it or actually made steps to achieve it? Maybe something you aren’t quite serious about, but still like to consider? >> I’m not sure. I don’t think so. Making goals isn’t a thing I’m really into. I don’t like to focus my life on one thing (moving to New Orleans is the only thing that I’m focused on, and that’s causing me enough grief because I can’t really do anything about furthering that process, it’s just a waiting game), because it has a tendency to tunnel my vision. I like to be open to as many opportunities as possible, and also... what kind of goals would a person like me have, anyway?  2. Does your town/area have a farmer’s market? Do you ever buy your vegetables there rather than grocery store? >> There are probably quite a few, but the one I know about is down the road from me. I haven’t been there when they start selling foodstuffs yet; I’m looking forward to finally buying produce from there, though. 3. Has anyone ever “ruined” anything for you (for example: your partner says, “oh, this song always reminds me of my ex” and you never want to listen to it again, or your friend is so obsessed with a movie that you start to resent the film)? >> Nah. That reminds me of Vlad, though, and how Sigma and Crystal fucking ran Repo! the Genetic Opera into the fucking ground around her to the point where Vlad refused to ever watch it or have anything to do with it. Like, damn, how obnoxious do you have to be to drive someone to that point. (Obviously if someone doesn’t find it obnoxious, then go ape-shit -- but if someone’s like “please stop singing these songs literally all the time” and you keep doing it? You’re the asshole in this situation.) 4. If you had a significant other and somehow got a chance to kiss your celebrity crush, would you still go for it? >> I don’t think my significant others would have anything against me kissing Idris Elba LMAOsdnfkglkj 5. If you still live with your parents, is it scary for you to imagine living away from them when you move out on your own? If you live on your own, how did you cope with moving away from your family for the first time? >> I didn’t really have time to acclimate to the change. I left my father’s house and drove myself straight back into the lion’s den that fucked me up the first time, because trauma does weird shit to people and in my case at that time, it made me... go back to it. And predictably, more fucked up shit happened, and I ended up back at my father’s house anyway, and then I turned 18 and got put into the hospital for suicidal ideation, and after that I was... on my own. Officially. And I had a drug-addict boyfriend, which took up all my time and energy, so I once again had no time or energy to process the fact that I was an adult out in this world that I was in no way prepared for. So, you know. I coped wonderfully!

6. Do you tend to be attracted to people that are more similar to you in interests and mannerisms or do you tend to be attracted to someone opposite/complementing to you? >> I really don’t, like... think about it. I’m just attracted to whom I’m attracted to. I trust there’s a reason for it, but I don’t make a big deal out of looking for the reason. 7. If you could choose your dream cast for a movie, name 3-4 actors you’d choose to be in it. >> Hmm. 8. Is there something that people complain about that just makes your roll your eyes because you think is not a big deal and you would gladly trade your own issues for it? >> Unfortunately, yeah, and every time I feel that way I have to talk myself out of it, because it’s uncharitable and short-sighted, not to mention dismissive of other people’s experiences and traumas. But, you know, being human, and all. It be’s like this sometimes. (It’s usually about people I don’t know, like, teenagers on tumblr complaining about... idk, their parents or something.) 9. Does it bother you when you find out that your friends have hung out without inviting you? >> This is definitely not a problem I have.

10. Have you discovered or learned anything that’s excited you, lately? If not, do you ever actually feel excitement when learning about something new? >> Sure. I mean, I don’t remember what exactly now, but that’s a familiar feeling. 11. What is a talent that a lot of other people desire or value but you really don’t care to have (e.g., singing, etc.)? >> Hmm... playing an instrument, I’d say. I like singing just fine. And I love to listen to other people play instruments, I don’t need to play one myself. 12. Do you remember the first time you consciously took a stand for your own rights (e.g., walking out of class while offended)? If you don’t remember the first time, can you explain one time when you’ve done this? >> Yeah, I really don’t remember the first time I might have done something like this. I don’t even remember any time I’ve done anything like this. I don’t think I like... take a conscious stand for things. I don’t know. 13. Is there something that you would claim as the best purchase you ever made? >> Probably not. I mean, I make decent purchases, but nothing that stands out. 14. Have you ever received an unwanted gift from someone trying to woo you? Did you accept it or reject it? >> I don’t think so. 15. Do you find that you compare yourself to others often? What sort of things do you find you compare most? >> Nah, I don’t do it all that often. Like, it happens sometimes, but it’s not a big problem I need to fix or anything. Sometimes I compare my relationship with Wednesday to other people’s relationship to [their personal incarnations of Wednesday], and that’s dumb but I know it comes from my anxieties regarding religious things in general. Christian leftovers, basically. Religious trauma is the issue I need to work on, not necessarily my knee-jerk comparing. 16. Do you ever do something in public and then worry that you might have embarrassed the people you were with? >> Sometimes, but that’s usually because substances were involved. It’s not a big problem now. 17. What was the last thing to make you really inspired to write or create art? If you don’t remember the last thing, do you ever find yourself struck by sudden inspiration? >> I do find myself struck with sudden inspiration on occasion, but I try not to depend upon that. Inspiration is fickle, and sometimes you just need to sit down and write whether it shows up or not. 18. Are you excited at all about the upcoming The Perks of Being a Wallflower movie? >> LOL 19. Would you say that you have a competitive streak when it comes to certain things? Which situations bring out the competitor in you? >> I’m really not competitive at all. In a battle of natural selection, I’d fucking lose so hard. 20. Have you ever boycotted a product or corporation? How come? >> Nah. 21. Are there any people whom you aspire to be like? Which traits do you find in those people that you wish to emulate? >> I mean, everyone I know has at least a couple of traits that I’d like to develop more in myself. Whether I do it or not is another story, lmao. 22. Are you a registered bone-marrow donor? If not, would you be interested in registering (bethematch.org) or is there something that turns you away from it? >> I’m not, but Sparrow is. The moment she said that it’s hella painful I was like “okay, donation is noble and wonderful but uh. I’m good” 23. If someone asks you to hang out, but for some reason you’re just feeling lazy/don’t want to go anywhere, do you ignore them, make up an excuse, or just tell them the honest truth? >> Listen, people who are going to be friends with me need to know that I’m gonna need days to just veg out at home and decompress and shit, or even to just be by myself for a little while, so I might as well be honest from the gate. I’ll try to make it up to them another day. 24. Do you think it should be illegal for gas stations to sell synthetic drugs (like K2 and Bath Salts) under the guise of them being “potpourri,” or do you think it’s not the gas stations’ fault for trying to make a penny, it’s the user’s fault for abusing the potpourri? >> I do think that should be illegal, because I’ve witnessed first-hand what K2 does to people. I even tried it myself, and oh my god, fuck that shit to hell. It’s... it’s disturbing. It’s so disturbing. I wish it’d go the fuck away. And while I’m all for personal accountability, I feel that’s an unnecessarily callous stance to take when it comes to substance use and abuse. There are a lot of factors that go into substance use and abuse -- mental health, socioeconomic position, the usage habits of one’s community, social alienation, desperation... like, the nuances are myriad. Saying something like “well they could just NOT use it” is an easy way to earn my distrust. 25. Have you heard of or even read the novel, “50 Shades of Grey”? If so, what’s your opinion about it? >> Heh. Yeah, I tried to read it. I didn’t get very far. I did see the movie, though! I used to feel a lot more strongly about it, but honestly, that was a waste of my fucking energy and I was just being ridiculous. It’s not that deep. 

[micahrodney]

Thread; Chapter 3 - Over The River

The following is a commission for Matthew Caveat Zealot.  Neil screamed, and started forward.  His head collided with something hard, but it wasn't his claustrophobia-inducing ceiling. As the foam-padded leather made contact with his face, he realized he was no longer in bed.  The young man was sitting upright, belted into the rear passenger seat of his father's Plymouth Voyager.  

“Whoa-” Neil's father cried in response, nearly losing control of the vehicle.  “Are you okay?”

Taking stock of his new reality required some mental recalibration.  Last he remembered was spending the evening with Damian.  The people-pleasing and worldly youth had been attempting to get Neil to broaden his horizons – and more relevantly his palate – by eating some chicken dish called Tom Kha Gai.  Afterwards they went back to Neil's place and may have had a bit to drink.  He vaguely recalled getting a voicemail from his father.  His dreams were vast and vivid, but as he tried to scrape together the scattered fragments of his vision they faded away.  More importantly was the rather noticeable gap in events.  

Neil took a deep breath as his father began to steer the vehicle towards the side of the highway. The digital clock above the tape deck read 5:45 PM. A large highway sign revealed that they were just 60 miles outside of St. Clair, Michigan.  They were 300 miles from his dorm room.  

To his left was his sister, Dawn. She was the younger of his two sisters, but she still had two years on him.  While the older sister, Kim, had been the spitting image of their mother, Dawn looked more like their father.  Her hair was naturally chestnut brown, though it was presently dyed black with electric yellow streaks, the better to match her grunge aesthetic. Dawn's usual attire was comprised of leather jackets and jeans, though she was wearing black sweats for the road trip.  

Occupying the passenger seat, into which Neil had just rammed his head, was his brother Travis. His beard seemed to have grown two inches since they had last spoken.  The boisterous one in the family was oddly quiet today, wearing a plain forest green sweater.   This was also a far cry from his Hawaiian shirt obsession.  

“Neil?” His father asked, after putting the car in park on the shoulder. “You good?”  

“I'm sorry, I just had a nightmare I think,” Neil explained. Maybe he was still having a nightmare.

That, or he had somehow lost several days of his life. They were on their way to his mother's memorial, which meant he had somehow fast-forwarded his life by about three days.  Which begged the question:  how the hell did that happen and why could he not remember any of it?  

“It's a nice change of pace, dude,” Dawn said, her attention split between her Gameboy, Walkman and the stick of gum she was chewing on. “Honestly you've been kind of a zombie since we picked you up.”

“Oh yeah, says the Borg,” Travis teased.  

“Don't hate my tech.  It makes the real world way more bearable,” Dawn retorted, resting her temporarily-misplaced headphone back over her ear.  

Neil took special notice of the word 'zombie' and decided to expand on that thought. “Have I been acting weirdly?”  

“I mean I figured you were just sad because of... you know,” Travis gestured towards the others in the car.  

It had to be especially hard for him, now sitting in the spot where their mother had for most of their lives, until the accident.  Three years had passed by in a miserable blink.  What were three days in the grand scheme of things?

“This is gonna sound weird,” Neil began, and that was putting it mildly. How exactly did one ask the question he was going to ask?  

“That would be a first,” Dawn quipped sarcastically.  Clearly The Smashing Pumpkins were not excluding her from the conversation.  

The proud patriarch Kevin Brown turned to Neil and gave him that same kind and understanding gaze that he always did.  His gentle eyes, that distinctive cleft in his chin, and a soft smile that won over even his mother. Neil could trust this man, out-of-touch as he was, with anything.  

“What day is it?” Neil asked.  

“Neil, you're scaring me now.  Are you okay?”

“Dad, please.  What day?”  Neil insisted.  

“It's Friday.  We picked you up from your dorm this morning,” Kevin said. “Neil... you're not on drugs are you?”  

“No, dad it's not like that,” Neil scoffed.  “I just-  I don't know, I haven't been sleeping right lately and everything is all... hazy.”

“Dude, it's dad.  If you're on something he won't get mad at-”

“I'm not on anything!” Neil shouted.  The confusion had devolved into frustration and Travis's well-intentioned comment was doing nothing to abate it. “Just because you fucked up your scholarship-”

“Hey!” Kevin interjected soothingly, reaching back to place a bracing hand on his shoulder.  “Easy now, there's no need to go off on your brother like that.”

Travis had turned back to face the road.  A few cars passed them, one even blaring on its horn unhelpfully.  Dawn popped a bubble between her teeth.  

“Now listen, son. If you say you're not, then you're not.  I trust you completely,” Kevin said.  “We'll take you to a hospital when we get to St. Clair and have the doctor check you out, okay?”  

“A hospital,” Neil nodded.  “Yeah, that's probably a good idea.”  

“Maybe they'll put you in a straitjacket,” Dawn smirked.  

There was no malice behind the comment.  Underneath the would-be nihilist's harsh exterior was a tiny grain of affection for her family, especially her younger brother.  This was her twisted way of trying to calm him down and make him feel at home.  And, oddly, it was working.  

“Sorry, Travis,” Neil said.  “I'm just really... I don't know.”

“You don't have to apologize,” Travis said, still not turning around. “It's a hard time for all of us.”  

He had the biggest heart of any of them, but it was also the most easily wounded.  When they were younger, Neil had been intensely jealous of the theater kid brother of his.  He was the center of attention, and by a wide margin the “favorite” child of their father.  As a result, the two boys fought constantly and viciously.  

Things only started to change when Travis left for college and started to mature.  But with the maturing mind came evolving tastes. He was a self-described “party animal”.  And one night he had partied too hard on the wrong side of LA.  Within a few weeks he was absent to all of his classes, and a no-call no-show termination at work.  

They found him on the UCLA campus between two bushes.  It had taken a lot of work, but their father had managed to turn a five-year jail sentence into two months of rehabilitation.  Being a lawyer's son had its perks.  The true penalty was the loss of his football scholarship.  That and the expression on their mother's face when he confessed to her he was an addict.  

Neil regretted his words now.  Apart from being the one big taboo in the otherwise accepting family, making such a cheap shot at his brother made him feel unclean.  When Neil had first found out, he was a little too keen to finally have something to one-up the perfect son with.  Teenage hormones were no help, and he hadn't developed a proper sense of empathy yet.  

“There but for the grace of God go you,” their mother would always tell Neil.  

That was bullshit as far as Neil was concerned, in the infinite wisdom of a adolescent.  He was better than Travis.  He was smarter. He didn't fall into the stupid obvious traps that all drug users did.  The mandatory D.A.R.E. Program had done a number on his concept of nuance.  But even as Neil railed on his brother, all their parents could do was just shake their heads with a mixture of disappointment and sad amusement.  

Disappointment.  That was a potent word. And that's what Neil felt like:  The family disappointment.  In spite of Dawn's fashion sense, Travis's past, and Kim's taste in men, Neil was the one who didn't fit in.  And it was nobody's fault but his own.  

---

St. Clair, Michigan was the homestead of their mother.  It was as far removed from Voxton as you could be.  The scenic town was nestled in the isthmus between Lake Erie and Lake Huron.  It was founded along the St. Clair River which flowed somewhat unimaginatively into Lake St. Clair.  

The river was one of the geographical borders which marked the edge of the continental United States.  Across the river to the east was Canada, should one feel inclined to attempt a crossing in the frigid waters.   Neil had only been here a few times in his life, and never while his mother was alive.  For some reason it was her dying wish to be interred in the family plot a few miles up-river, but she'd never expressed any interest in visiting the place.  

This was their fourth trip to the charming post-card worthy dell, where every street corner looked ripe for a postcard and every citizen seemed to come straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. The skies were blue, the horizon dotted with lighthouses and the only noise was the sound of motorboats gently cruising down the river.

“How are you feeling, Neil?” His father asked, when they parked the car outside their hotel.  While Kevin Brown dressed to the nines when he was with clients or in court, he preferred a casual look; khaki's with a crimson-and-grey striped cardigan.  

“I think I'm okay for right now.  Still a little fuzzy on the past few days,” he replied.  

Fuzzy, but details were coming back to him.  It was rather odd, more like he was recalling an episode of a television show which he'd fallen asleep during.  He seemed to have some vague idea of stumbling  to his classes for the week, but there was something hollow and robotic about the memories.  They had no spark to them, no authenticity.  It was like he was on auto-pilot, which may have very well have been the case.

For a moment he did consider the possibility that he had been drugged.  But the only people he had been with in the past week were Damian and his classmates, none of whom had the means or motive to do so.

“We'll have a doctor check you out anyway,” Kevin said, in the way that brokered no argument.  “There's a nice new facility just south of here in East China.  Only opened up a couple years ago.”  

Modernity was Kevin Brown's sole rubric for quality.  

“Daddy!” Came an overeager feminine voice from the opposite end of the parking lot.  

Kim, the oldest child, was eternally dressed like was late for a board meeting.  Straight out of the 80s with a shoulder-padded salmon pantsuit and her dyed-blonde hair in a perm that framed her slightly chubby face.  She had come a long way from the auburn-haired teen in overall's Neil had a vague memory of from his childhood.

She was tailed by her current boyfriend, a middle-aged trucker who chose to mark this momentous occasion by putting his least-stained plaid shirt.  The corners of his stubbled mouth were still dripping with chewing tobacco residue.  

“Honey!” Kevin said, embracing his daughter.  “And this must be uh...”

After disentangling herself from her father, Kim lifted a hand gesturing vaguely in the direction of the gentleman.  “This is Rocky.”

“Pleased to meet ya, sir,” said the trucker, taking Kevin's hand.  

“Uh, likewise Rocky,” Kevin replied, shaking it hesitantly.  He was presently engaged in trying to calculate the staggeringly narrow age-difference between him and the man now dating his first child.  

“Guys how are you all!” Kim said, pulling all of them in a group hug.  

Only Travis truly returned the hug.  Neil was trying not to suffocate under the noxious fumes of whatever perfume she was wearing, and Dawn with her slender frame had managed to slip out of the grasp entirely.

“Glad to see you haven't changed, sis,” Travis teased. “Still pushing papers?”

“Papers nothing, little bro.  Real estate has never been this good.  You know I don't know what that guy in the White House is doing right now, but if keeps it up, I'm gonna be filthy rich,” Kim laughed in a way that she surely thought was musical.  

“Maybe you can buy some clothes that come in colors  that don't belong in an old folk's home,” Dawn remarked, her attention somehow still fixed on the Gameboy which should surely have been running out of battery by now.  

“Oh you,” Kim sighed, giving Dawn her own special hug.  A sour-sounding electronic chirp seemed to indicate the gesture had cost Dawn a life. “I love your hair!  I bet this is such a fun time in your life.”

That was the saccharine-sweet way of saying “this is just a phase”. There was definitely a wide line between the two older children and the two younger.  Travis had been made humble by his fall from grace. Had he not, he would have turned out exactly like Kim.  Brimming with sunshine and not a drop of it genuine.

“So,” Kevin said, cutting in.  “The ceremony begins at noon tomorrow.  We have to run Neil to the hospital real quick.”

Kim let out a dramatic gasp.  “Oh no!  What's wrong, little man?”

“It's nothing big,” Neil replied, dodging another attempted hug.  “And it's kind of a private matter.”

Kevin caught the comment and nodded his approval.  “Dawn, Travis are you two going to be okay here at the hotel by yourself?”

Dawn nodded and began walking towards the hotel.  If she had enough AA batteries, she could have survived in a cardboard box.  

“I think we'll be okay, Pops,” Travis said.  “I hope you feel better, Neil.”  

Neil patted Travis's shoulder in a conciliatory way, and the two parted.  He was unable to dodge the second attempt at a hug from Kim, who pushed her head into his shoulder, even though she had to lean down slightly to do it.  

“Feel better, buddy!”  

“Thank you, Kim,” Neil grunted, more than a little embarrassed.

---

The doctor's visit was about what could be expected.  There was nothing wrong with his brain, according to a CAT scan and an MRI.  Kevin Brown's money always did the talking about both procedures were tackled over a five-hour period, despite a warning from the doctor of potential complications with the readings.  

His father was brilliant and humble, but he knew exactly how to get what he wanted. To benefit his children he would go to any lengths.  After Neil had been poked, prodded and had an unseemly collection of fluids removed from and added to his body, the final diagnosis was remarkably unhelpful.  

“Stress-induced narcolepsy?” Kevin asked.  “My son wasn't asleep, he just doesn't remember anything.”  

“That's the best conclusion we have right now.  Some patients with narcolepsy can also experience somnambulism; sleep-walking.  It's uncommon, but it has happened,” replied the stoic, but clearly annoyed Dr. Faust.

“I just,” Kevin sighed in frustration. “I don't understand.”    

“Sir, your son's brain chemistry is fine,” Dr. Faust explained. “Apart from a little sleep deprivation his scans are perfectly normal. Furthermore the toxicology reports show a clean bill of health.  Only that came back was a little bit of underage drinking.  It's not drugs, it's not some form of mental disorder.  The truth is, sir, I don't know what happened to your son.  The best thing we can do is keep an eye on him and if he has another attack like that, bring him right in so we can examine him.”  

“This is unbelievable,” Kevin fumed, his docile nature slowly ebbing away from stress.

“It's okay, Dad,” Neil said, placing a hand on his father's shoulder. “Let's just go, it's midnight and we have the memorial tomorrow.”

Kevin was willing to stay there all night if he had to, but Neil's pleading had worked. He put his jacket back on, without bothering to roll up his sleeves and straightened his tie.  Ever requiring the last word, he turned back to Faust.

“I hope you're right, Doc,” Kevin declared.  “Come on, Neil.”  

[kaplunstevee]

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[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.