#although i don't think anyone had read it in 1968

[neil-gaiman]

Now THIS was unexpected. But incredibly lovely. We debuted at #1.

I'm so proud of what we made and the genius that the Four Play String Quartet brought to the project.

If you want to find out how to listen or buy it on CD or Vinyl this will point you to the right places.

Meanwhile, I gloat. Hear me.

[gollancz]

Why I'm Not Allowed On Twitter Unsupervised Any More: A Photo Essay

Key Notes:

Since this was posted I discovered that the books had briefly been available in the UK under the name Peter Beagle rather than Peter S. Beagle in the mid-90s, which is why they didn't show up on the British Library search

The article by Tor.com @torbooks: Peter S. Beagle Has Finally Regained the Rights to His Body of Work

If you want our gorgeous limited edition, I believe there are still a handful left (except for the US and Canada, sorry lads), and you can get it here. I'm not kidding when I say I got a little teary-eyed when these showed up.

[Image Description: A tweet thread from the Gollancz twitter dated 20th July 2022, which goes as follows -

Tweet 1: You may have seen that we're printing a Brand New Edition of The Last Unicorn. We're very excited! I was asked to tweet about it. I wasn't asked to do it quite like this, but I also wasn't asked NOT to do it like this, and I have the twitter login so whose fault is that? (Thread emoji, and gif from the film Scream reading 'The Call is coming from inside the house!')

Tweet 2: Imagine, if you will, you are a small child in the UK during the late 80s/early 90s. You might look a bit like this, or you might have had parents who didn't choose suffering (ask my mum about The Saga of the Hat) (an image of a small girl approximately 3 years old wearing a blue dress and a big white hat)

Tweet 3: Imagine you have a cool older cousin, one who, as you get age, introduces you to fantasy films like Ladyhawk and The Princess Bride and has a post the whole family knows as 'the vampire and the naked lady'. She's extremely responsible for the way you turn out as an adult.

Tweet 4: One year, for your birthday, this cousin buys you a video. It's the first video that is yours, not to share. It has a bright yellow cover. The butterfly scares you. But you watch it on a loop. You don't realise how special it is, but it's a seed that burrows into your brain. (An image of a VHS of The Last Unicorn)

Tweet 5: A decade or so later, in your teens, you rediscover it. None of your friends have heard of it, despite also being fantasy-inclined. That's odd, you think. Is this an outlandishly weird title? Then you get older and you realise: no, it isn't. (Principal Skinner meme reading 'Am I out of touch? No, it's the people who don't know about The Last Unicorn who are wrong')

Tweet 6: Time and tech march on, you get a DVD of the film. You realise it's got Christopher Lee in it! And Angela Lansbury! Your mum tries to get you to listen to songs by America other than the soundtrack, but the only one that really sticks is the other one they did about a horse. (Gif of Walter White from Breaking Bad singing along to Horse With No Name)

Tweet 7: You realise that the film is based on a book. Like The Princess Bride, which you've also read (after spending longer than you're proud of trying to find an unabridged edition). 'Neat,' you think, 'I'll have to read that!'

Tweet 8: And then you can't find it. Because, as mentioned previously, you're in the UK. The Last Unicorn was published for the first time in 1968. But, if you look at the British Library's National Bibliography (super neat resource btw), that was, uh, about it. (screenshot of the search results from the National Bibliography showing four editions of The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle, one from Gollancz in 2022, one from IDW in 2019, one from Tachyon Publications in 2018, and one from Bodley Head in 1968)

Tweet 9: The Tachyon edition is the unfinished first draft of the story. The IDW edition is a gorgeous graphic novel. But in terms of the novel? I don't know how many reprints it had (if anyone knows, I'd love to find out), but there's a good chance it went out of print in the 70s.

Tweet 10: The film, however, was released in 1982. Although it didn't make it to the UK until 1986. Conservative estimates could put that between 10 and 15 years since the book was last available in the UK. This gives you a generation in the UK who only know the story through the film! (A screenshot of the IMDB page showing the different release dates for The Last Unicorn around the world)

Tweet 11: The screenplay was written by Peter S. Beagle, and made by the legendary animation directors Arthur Rankin Jr. and Jules Bass. That's right, the guys behind Thundercats and 2 out of the 3 films based on The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings.

Tweet 12: The Book has been in print in the USA (and possibly all of North America) constantly since its publication, so it seems baffling that people in the UK haven't heard of it. As the internet became more prominent, however, it became easier to just... import a copy of the book.

Tweet 13: But! This also isn't quite as simple as you think. You see, until last year the rights to The Last Unicorn were tied up in legal limbo. And the US edition of the book contained changes that Peter wasn't happy with. (Link to the Tor.com article about the rights)

Tweet 14: Back to you, the 80s/90s kid, who is now an adult, happy that unicorns are A Thing again and you're living your best life. You're very easy to buy presents for. Your partner despairs of unicorns. You get a job working in books about magic and space. (unicorn emoji and photograph of a collection of unicorn memorabilia, including three different versions of The Last Unicorn)

Tweet 15: You mention that one day you would like to publish The Last Unicorn. That if you did, you would like to do a really beautiful edition of it. And you would like it to be purple. Because since the film is what you know, you associate it with purple.

Tweet 16: And, after taking a very circuitous route, here we are! This is the original text, that was first published in 1968. Reading it after you have only seen the film is the strangest experience - like being introduced to a very dear friend that you have never met before.

Tweet 17: Peter's screenplay kept the voice of the story so well, you can hear the characters when you read the book. But now there's so much more depth, softness and warmth to it. The butterfly doesn't seem so scary any more. And, it's beautiful. And it's purple. (Image of a hardback edition of The Last Unicorn, with a black base, purple background, and a linocut image of the unicorn in her wood. On the black cover underneath is a foiled unicorn with the moon and butterfly, the page edges are sprayed purple, and the endpapers are black with silver butterflies)

Tweet 18: Anyway, I've taken you on a three day trip that could have been done in a single tweet, but that's what happens when you let me drive. This edition is the limited exclusive one only available through the Gollancz Emporium and you can preorder here: (link to Gollancz Emporium)

Tweet 19: But there is also a standard edition available through all booksellers! You'll be getting the author's preferred text, with an introduction from Patrick Rothfuss. There's also a brand new audiobook and it will be available in eBook for the first time ever.

Tweet 20: It's like going from famine to feast, and I wasn't able to talk about this for months so now I am able to talk about it, I'm going to make the social media team cry. UNICORNS. SPECIAL EDITION. PURPLE. The End.

Tweet 21: Additional behind the scenes bonus detail - I did take this cover to the art meaning while wearing a unicorn onesie.

Tweet 22: The comms team wrestling me away from the twitter account: (gif of Ross from Friends shouting 'Stop typing! Stop typing!')

End ID]

[newberyandchai]

From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler (1968)

Jim: What are you reading? Abby: From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Jim: Best book. Abby: Yeah, but I've read it before. Jim: So have I. Hey, question: If you had to spend the night in the Met or the aquarium, which would it be? Abby: Definitely the aquarium. Jim: Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that. You don't wanna help me with some of my sales, do you? 'Cause I'm kind of swamped. Abby: Sure.

It's the most mundane Office quote to devote any brainpower to remembering (although my name popped up, which is a plus), but this was my only exposure to From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler before picking it up at the bookstore in the kids' section a few months ago. I thought it might be one of those amazing, fast-paced mysteries that involved a group of quirky kids getting trapped in a museum or an aquarium, somehow chancing upon a crime taking place and catching the criminals before any police have a chance to get involved... but nope.

This was a really boring book and I didn't like it.

...I could stop there, but since my last post didn't include any kind of synopsis of the book in question, here you go: A very young girl decides to run away from home with one of her brothers and hide in the Metropolitan Museum of Art until she teaches a lesson to her parents in appreciating her more. The siblings aren't discovered by anyone for several days, which leads to very exciting descriptions of bathing in the museum fountain and hiding in public restrooms while the security guards do their nightly rounds. They sleep in a centuries-old bed and buy food from the nearby automat (if that gives you any idea of the timeframe) and are constantly worried about how many cents they're spending on food and transportation, etc.

But to get to the meat of the story, the girl quickly becomes interested in determining whether a new statue supposedly by Michaelangelo is really an original or a fake. They follow some "clues" and write to the museum, but they receive an unsatisfactory answer in the P.O. box they rent for this specific purpose. In the end, they visit a (slightly rude) rich old lady outside the city who gives them an hour to look through her file cabinets to find out the truth about the statue's origin.

Without spoiling the ending (although I'm sure you can probably guess how everything turned out), it was disappointing. There wasn't any kind of antagonist aside from budgeting concerns, which is hard to take seriously these days when they're talking about the difference between 16 and 20 cents. Something about knowing they're sleeping in an extremely ancient bed that someone was murdered in freaked me out a little, too, and it didn't seem thrilling so much as stressful.

There was a bit at the very end about needing to have a secret -- how knowledge that no one else knows transforms you, even if no one else knows. Claudia (the main character) is desperate to know the truth about the statue because it will make her exciting and important, which is something she doesn't feel at home.

"Returning with a secret is what [Claudia] really wants. [The statue] had a secret and that made her exciting, important. Claudia doesn't want adventure. She likes baths and feeling comfortable too much for that kind of thing. Secrets are the kind of adventure she needs. Secrets are safe, and they do much to make you different. On the inside where it counts."

I'm not sure I entirely agree. The thing about secrets (or maybe a better word in this context is the truth) is that people can choose to see them as lies that sad people concoct for all kinds of pitiable reasons. Lies are (among many other reasons) sometimes created to make people feel important when they don't have anything exciting to share or contribute (I'm thinking of a certain someone saying something along the lines of boasting to be able to solve the Russia-Ukraine war within 24 hours of taking office...).

I think the book's quote insinuates that if you know your secret is real, that's what gives you your own sense of value — but deep inside the adult side of my brain, I think I might be too concerned with the believability aspect. If something unbelievable (or even extremely believable) is true, but everyone else believes it's a lie... is it really true? (Inside the current political landscape of the U.S., it appears even reality is debatable.)

And I'm pretty bad at keeping secrets as it is, so never tell me about any surprise parties.

I would rate this book a 5/10 and Unrecommendable. It did not meet my expectations and went from being very practical (how to very practically and frugally live in a museum for a few days) to more abstract (~secrets change you~) in ways that didn't add up to a satisfactory ending for me.

Your mileage may vary.

[unicornprincessinthetardis]

My (often relatively reasonable) dad: ...so Enoch Powell was right, what he said has happened.

Me: and you don't think maybe he could've said it without inciting racial hatred and literally saying that in time the rivers might run with the blood of 'native' British people because of immigration, do you?

My dad: no, you're being ridiculous, it had to be said, and there really are areas of cities that are majority black or Muslim now so he was right in his predictions, and it didn't change how things were anyway

Me: *goes away to calm down and read up on the 'Rivers of Blood' speech*

[I already knew some of this but here's a précis for those unfamiliar: in April 1968, in Wolverhampton, UK, a Conservative MP, Enoch Powell, made a speech, about the proposed 'Race Relations Bill' (which subsequently made it illegal to refuse housing/ employment/public services to people on the grounds of race/colour/ ethnic & national origins).

The speech was strongly anti-immigrant, calling for 'voluntary re-emigration' and for moves to be made to stem the tide of immigration, else Britain would be 'overrun' and sooner or later white British people would find themselves fully second-class citizens, and that in some ways they already were. He also talked about a "tragic and intractable phenomenon which we watch with horror on the other side of the Atlantic", which I take to mean immigration in the USA to the similar end of white people no longer being in charge - which in 1968 was so far from the truth, and just horrible baseless fear-mongering, playing on people’s xenophobia and racist prejudice - and compared pro-immigration/anti-discrimination newspapers to the ones that had denied and hid the rise of fascism and threat of war in the 1930s. Plus, he talked about a constituent of his, a woman who lived on a street that had become occupied by mostly black people, who lost her white lodgers and complained to the council for a tax rate reduction because she wouldn't take black tenants, and instead basically got told not to be racist, and presented it as a bad thing that she'd been treated like that.

The speech's common name comes from a phrase he quoted from the Aenid (because he was also a Cambridge-educated classics scholar), 'I seem to see "the River Tiber foaming with much blood"', although he just called it 'the Birmingham speech' and seemed to be surprised by the uproar he caused.]

Me (to self): So it didn't change things did it? How do you explain the attacks against nonwhite people where the attackers literally shouted his name and repeated his rhetoric? Oh, they would definitely have happened if he hadn't made that speech, wouldn't they? And the British people of foreign descent who were so afraid they might be removed from their lives just for not being white they always had cases packed to go? And the fact that experts says he set back progress in 'race relations' by about ten years and legitimised being racist/anti-immigrant in the same way UKIP and some pro-Brexit types have done within the last few years here (fun fact: immediately after the Brexit vote, people were being racially and physically abusive to visibly Muslim and/or South Asian people, telling them to leave because of Brexit, which was of course extreme nonsense because their presence would be nothing to do with the EU, and more likely the British Empire and the Commonwealth, but they were doing it because it seemed suddenly okay to be openly racist, because Nigel Farage and his ilk, and a legally non-binding vote surrounded in lies, said so) and others have done elsewhere, in the US and Europe and Brazil and so many other places.

Powell was interviewed about the speech in 1977 and stood by his views, said that because the immigration figures were higher than those he had been 'laughed at' about in his speech, he was right and now governments didn't want to deal with the "problem", were passing it off to future generations and it would go on until there was a civil war!

He also said he wasn't a 'racialist' (racist) because he believed a "'racialist' is a person who believes in the inherent inferiority of one race of mankind to another, and who acts and speaks in that belief" so he was in fact "a racialist in reverse" as he regarded "many of the peoples in India as being superior in many respects—intellectually, for example, and in other respects—to Europeans." (I mean, I know I can't hold him to our standards but a) that's still racism and b) he did think that mankind was divided into very distinct, probably biologically so, races, which, yes, normal for the time, but the whole 'each with different qualities and ways in which they were better than others' is iffy)

Me: *goes back to Dad to make my point and definitely not get upset* So here are some things that literally happened as a consequence of the 'Rivers of Blood' speech...

So even if he was correct to say what he did (I mean, he wasn't but you have to tiptoe around Dad and I had points to make), he shouldn't have said it the way he did

My dad: so you think the truth should be suppressed? You're only looking at this from one perspective (he thinks he knows better because he was alive at the time and my brother and I weren't despite the fact that we're both into politics and history and, y'know, not into scapegoating, behaving oddly, and laying blame because people are different to us - he and mum also have issues with trans people and we're trying so hard to change their views/behaviours but I'm not sure it's working & that's a whole different story) and there are these areas that really are Muslim-only (because informal lending and wanting to keep the community together is such a crime, right?) and they don't integrate and want to impose Sharia law (only he couldn't remember what it was called right then) and you don't know what it's like (he is an engineer surveyor and travels all over to inspect boilers and cooling systems and all sorts of stuff, and this includes into majority-Black or -Asian (Muslim and otherwise) areas in Birmingham - which is not a no-go area for non-Muslims, I'm a deeply agnostic white woman, it's my nearest big city and I wish I went there more often but it's tricky as I don't drive, public transport is bad/inconvenient, and I have no friends to go with except depression and anxiety [which are worse 'friends' than the ones that I found out only liked me in high school because I always had sweets and snacks at lunch so when I got braces and my mouth hurt too much to eat much of anything which meant I certainly didn't have snacks, they dropped me pretty quickly] so apparently he's the expert on all such matters)

What I wish I'd said: *staying very calm* well, and that's your opinion, I'm going, I've got sewing to finish *leaves*

What actually happened:

Me: have you considered that they are able to buy up areas like that because white people leave because of their prejudice against the 'influx'?

Dad: they buy up great areas because they buy in groups (I think this refers to a sort of community lending thing to be compliant with various parts of Islam? [Please correct me if I'm wrong] which is effectively what building societies/credit unions were, at least to begin with, and he doesn't take issue with those) and want to stay together. Why do they do that? Sikhs don't do that, they buy big houses and aren't bothered about being close together.

Me: different religious ethoses? I don't know... But you do know that they people who want the UK to be a caliphate ruled by Sharia law are just a minority, and that most Muslims would not want that at all, just like you?

Dad: but they still do want it, and it could happen, if there was a charismatic leader,

Me: *incredulous* you know it's about as likely for that to actually happen as for strictly Orthodox Jewish people to be able to make this country into another Israel, right? Besides, there are the police, and the armed forces, and intelligence agencies, not to mention the Government and civil service (thought I'd got a win there, he hates the unchanging upper-class-public-school-Oxbridge nature of the people who effectively really run the government, constant no matter the leaning of the elected party, but no) who have a vested interest in preserving themselves in their current state so would be able to stop anything like that

Dad: yes, but the cutting of funding to police and public services means they might not be able to stop it (I realise now that he's oddly economically left-wing but also really quite socially conservative in some ways)

Me: *getting angry* but it's still an absolute minority, most Muslims would be horrified if it really did happen, and have you ever considered that maybe they wouldn't be so ill-disposed to us and to integration if we didn't demand it of them the moment that they arrive, demand that they assimilate or go away (he often uses the phrase "yes, but they're in somebody else's country, they should make an effort") and maybe young people wouldn't be so easily radicalised and people generally mistrust the people who don't try to understand them, you know, want them to change everything about themselves (for instance, Dad is violently opposed to the burqa etc and not really a fan of the hijab - still doesn't get that it's a choice and people can do what they want because apparently 'anyone could be wearing one of those things' - burqas/niqabs, I presume - and that it must all be forced because who would possibly choose to dress like that - I have half a mind to show him those sites about Christian modest dressing (one was a shop and a lot of their range was pretty cute!) that I once found, just to see if that'll prove to him it is a choice thing) *tries to leave*

Dad: *angry* You stay there and listen to me! You're just looking at it from one perspective and that's not the truth, you're so biased and closed-minded, you only look at things your way!

Me: *furious* Really? Really? Am I? *Scoffs/incredulous exhalation* I'm closed-minded, am I?... *Storms out, shouts as I go* I'm not the one who said Enoch Powell was right!!

This is all heavily paraphrased, because I've been writing this for literal hours now and I was angry and don't remember well at the best of times, it may have been worse than how I'm writing it

Also, going to be tricky to patch up but right now I stand by what I said, because I know my perspective is limited, but at least I actually admit that and try to find out what people different to me think, rather than basing all my opinions and things on my own experiences which can't be universal, as he seems to

Other bs my dad said during the two conversations: "don't get so upset about it, it's only history" (which is bold, considering it was the 50th anniversary this year and he was literally 11 years old when it happened so probably saw/heard news coverage)... "Yes of course far right groups use 'Enoch was right' as a slogan, it doesn't mean anything"... Reiterating the 'nothing changed' thing multiple times... Dismissing the fact that Powell said there'd be a civil war because apparently just because the British/Europeans were aggressive conquerors anyone else who came in numbers anywhere would eventually have that aim and how ridiculous that view actually is... Dismissing the fact that Powell basically incited racial hatred and violence with the inclusion of an irrelevant Classical phrase which spread fear on all sides...

I could go on but I'm so tired and don't want to make myself more upset

I love my parents but I really don't like them very much lately but I don't know if I just put up with it or leave sooner or later and if I do leave I don't know where I'd go because no friends

Basically I'm so sorry for my parents' prejudices which I'm still trying to unlearn myself - I apologise wholeheartedly to all Muslim and Jewish people and honestly pretty much everyone they're prejudiced against

[tf2community]

@a-virtuous-pyromaniac submitted:

The Administrator, the Debt and the End: A Theory From Reddit

Hello! I saw this on r/TF2 and I don’t think it’s made its rounds on Tumblr. It’s well written and well-thought-out, so I thought I’d share. 

THIS IS NOT MY ORIGINAL WORK. IT BELONGS TO REDDITOR AVTHEMARSUPIAL. 

Original post can be found HERE.

*******

HUGE SPOILERS FOR ISSUE #6. SERIOUSLY, GET OUT IF YOU AIN’T READ THE COMIC YET.

Issue #6 of the post-MVM comics has come out, and boy, what a doozy.

Over the last five years since Blood Brothers and the Mann vs. Machine update, we’ve had lore trickle out at us in small pieces at a time. I’ve got some theories on what’s gonna happen next, but to get a handle on things, let’s recap.

I AIN’T KIDDING, MAN. SPOILERS AFTER THIS. THE COMIC’S LONG. IT’S WORTH IT. GO READ IT. YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

Our story starts on September 2nd, 1822, with the birth of the Mann Triplets to wealthy landowner Zepheniah Mann and Bette Mann (née Darling) during the Great Eagle Scourge of London.

One of the triplets, Grey, is a genius. The other two, well, are not. Grey is abducted by an eagle, and Redmond and Blutarch are raised to believe they are the only sons of Zepheniah Mann.

Over the next twenty-eight years, Zepheniah remains wealthy and successful, presumably by selling munitions across the British Empire.

In 1849, Grey resurfaces, and threatens to blackmail Zepheniah for all his Australium.

Around 1850, Zepheniah, Redmond, and Blutarch traveled to the United States, where they had purchased large areas of land in New Mexico hoping to expand the munitions business. Zeph contracts an incredible amount of sicknesses, and dies shortly after.

After his death, his Last Will and Testament is read.

Elizabeth, Zeph’s maidservant, was left the entirety of the Mann Estate, including what was left of his fortune.

Barnabus Hale, grandfather of Saxton Hale, was left complete control over Mann Co.

Redmond and Blutarch were left the lands of New Mexico to split evenly between themselves.

Finally, Elizabeth was left the entirety of Zeph’s “miracle gravel”, or as it was really known, Australium.

The Brothers Mann immediately begin fighting over the land, each hiring a team of 9 mercenaries to seize the land from the other, beginning a century long stalemate.

Barnabus Hale took over Mann Co. and even got into the coal mining business thanks to the Mann Brothers selling him a coal mine for 5 cents.

As for Elizabeth, that’s where things get tricky.

In 1890, Blutarch Mann hires Radigan Conagher to build him a machine to prolong his life indefinitely.

Radigan goes back to his workshop, where a mysterious woman is waiting for him. We’re never told who the woman is, but an obvious conclusion is that she has some connection to the present day Administrator Helen, and Zepheniah’s maidservant Elizabeth. The TF2 Wiki, going off of an old “printing” of Loose Canon names this woman as Emily, differentiating her from both Elizabeth and Helen. The Catch-Up comic, however, names this woman as Elizabeth, although with a different appearance than the previous Elizabeth. For purposes of simplicity, I’ll continue to call this woman Emily.

Emily gives a halfhearted attempt at convincing Radigan to not build the machine, and when that fails, attempts a counter-offer. Since 1880, Emily has been hunting down 100 pounds of Australium, which she offers to Radigan if he’ll build a second machine for Redmond Mann as well. Radigan accepts, naturally.

The 1st Life Extending Machine (LEM) is finished on July 17th, 1894 for Blutarch.

The 2nd LEM is finished on August 3rd, 1894 for Redmond.

But as we know from Loose Canon, Radigan built a 3rd LEM, which he finished April 14th of an unknown year.

Blutarch tells Dell that he’s had possession of Radigan’s notes for 60 years, so its assumed that some time around 1900, Radigan dies and is buried with his notes, only to be exhumed by Blutarch.

Time marches on, and the brothers hire a new team of mercenaries to fight, the Classic Mercs, presumably one of many teams hired. After a time, the modern day mercs are hired and organized under the team name of FORTRESS, to continue the same fight that has been going on since the 1850s.

Then everything changes when Grey Mann shows up, killing both Brothers, forcing Saxton Hale to give up his company, and forcing Helen to run away.

Grey, having discovered that the Mann Co. vault containing 200,000 pounds of Australium is empty, hires the Classic Mercs to hunt down the Fortress Mercs and lead him to Helen.

Miss Pauling goes on a mission to reassemble Team Fortress, burning Helen’s geneology records along the way, while Saxton Hale goes to see about getting his company back with the help of his old friend Maggie, and Charles Darling.

Darling, upon meeting Hale, requests Australium in exchange for getting Mann Co. back, and tells Hale that the Administrator has been “playing two old gravel magnates against each other, establishing thousands of shell companies, filling entire coal mines with bodies, and over the course of a hundred and fifty years, stockpiling the largest supply of Australium in the world.”

The Administrator later meets with Pauling, telling her that there are 89,000 tonnes of Australium in existence, and she has been collecting all of it in the six months since Grey took over Mann Co.

Engineer has been revealed to be in hiding with the Administrator, keeping her alive with the use of a LEM, one much more modern than even Grey’s.

The model on her arm is nearly depleted, and Engineer replaces it with a newer one, which he believes can run on a quarter of the Australium that the previous Mark 4 did.

Dell then confesses that they’re just kicking the problem down the road, and that when the Australium in the Mark 5 runs out, the Administrator will likely die for good.

She dismisses it, claiming

Your family has already given me more time than any of us deserves, Mister Conagher. I don't need much more. Just enough to settle an old debt.

The Classic Heavy then betrays Grey Mann, who confesses to Miss Pauling;

Whatever despicable things you think I would have done with that power…you’re right.

And I promise you, what she’s planning is worse. Stop her.

Grey’s deathbed confession makes little difference to Miss Pauling, and she continues on with the mission regardless.

After Heavy and the Cheavy fight, Grey Mann’s LEM is destroyed, and Cheavy becomes a weak, frail looking old man before he dies, presumably due to Australium withdrawal.

The Administrator, recovering from being dead, is informed by Engineer that only a small vial of Australium remains on Earth. The Administrator dismisses this, simply vowing to find more.

Engineer explains that due to the Mark 5, even the small vial of Australium can give the Administrator six months of life, but that her life, and her plans to settle her debt, are at an end.

Administrator makes peace with this, and uses the entirety of the remaining Australium to reverse her aging, giving her only an hour left to live, which is where Issue #6 ends.

Now that we’re done with the backstory, let’s get on with the theory.

The TF2 lore really begins with Loose Canon, and it’s incredibly weird that Blutarch just has possession of Radigan’s notes for the greater part of the 20th century before he decides to call up Dell and ask him to fix his LEM. We know that the Mann Brothers were born on September 2nd, 1822, that Blutarch recieved his LEM on July 17th, 1894, and then dug up Radigan and his notes sometime around 1900, in his late 70s.

Blutarch goes onto say that he’s “barely cheated death out of a half-century” which would put his first Death at around 1910, which makes sense, since Blutarch is nearly 150 years old by 1968.

But we know that Emily and Helen have been working to keep the War going, so why allow Blutarch to get the original notes at all?

We know that RED and BLU are subsidiaries of TF Industries, founded by Redmond and Blutarch.

At some point, the properties of the Mann Estate not given to Barnabus Hale or Redmond and Blutarch were turned into TF Industries. It seems incredibly likely that RED and BLU were initially founded off of Elizabeth's generosity and Emily continued that practice by keeping Redmond and Blutarch alive, with Helen continuing the work of her mother and grandmother to keep their perpetual stalemate going. This type of grand strategy isn’t uncommon historically, with the best example being the Carolingians, who slowly take control over Western Europe over four generations, and fictionally, the Lannisters and the Tyrells of A Song of Ice and Fire, who plot for their grandchildren to eventually become Kings in their own right.

The Administrator family has a vested interest in keeping the Mann Brothers alive, if only to be subservient to them. Blutarch obtaining the notes in secret has to be something that would tip the balance in his favor, and allow him to end the War.

I think the Administrator knew but didn’t care, and that’s where the story kicked off.

Like we’ve said, the Mann Brothers are idiots. Blutarch tells Dell outright that Radigan’s notes have been the bane of his existence for sixty years, and Dell seems to be the only one who can do anything with them.

Had Dell fixed Blutarch’s LEM without fixing Redmond’s, it’s likely that Redmond would have died before Blutarch, ending the war. The solution then was simple. Much like her mother did, Helen would hire Radigan’s grandson to fix Blutarch’s LEM, but to also fix Redmond’s.

What about the Australium, though?

From Loose Canon, we know that Dell looked over Radigan’s papers and found a list of Australium caches.

Dell seems really interested in the Australium, and even though he could try and get to the caches without alerting anyone, given the reach and the influence that Helen has, I doubt he could get far without her killing him. Instead, it makes much more sense to hire Dell to work for her in secret, allowing him access to the Australium in exchange for keeping her alive by upgrading the third LEM, built by Radigan for the Administrator family before his death.

In Blood Brothers, we see that Dell must have succeeded in his task, and upgraded the Brothers’ LEMs.

These Mark 2 LEMs are sleeker, portable machines, unlike the large bulky Mark 1 that Radigan built.

Now, in Blood in the Water, we learn that the Mark 5 only uses up about a quarter of the Australium that the Mark 4 did.

In The Naked and the Dead, Dell says that the small vial of Australium left on earth is enough to get Helen anywhere between five to six months of life.

Helen however, decides to use the Australium to reverse her aging, presumably to her 20s or 30s, cutting her down to only an hour of life.

So if we extrapolate on this, we can guess that each later iteration of the Life Extending Machines used less Australium than the model before it. If we take the Mark 4-5 transition as a benchmark, the Mark 5 would only need 1 pound of Australium to do what the Mark 1 needs 256 pound to do.

That is, in my professional opinion, a metric shitton of Australium being lost for no real benefit.

Helen says there’s only 89,000 tonnes of Australium in existence, and that she owns all of it by 1972.

Grey and the Australians have some in their bodies, but besides them, there’s no more Australium left on the planet, presumably because most of it was all used up to keep two idiots alive.

So if Australium is so necessary to stockpile, as well as incredibly limited, why the hell would you waste it keeping two idiots alive to babysit, when you could kill both of them and spend your time elsewhere?

The Brothers really don’t contribute anything to the intellectual fields of society, and the gravel fields they’ve been fighting over are useless. The only thing of value the Brothers did inherit, the coal mine, was sold to Barnabus Hale for five cents. The graveline that powers the world’s steam engines is coming from the Hales, not the Manns.

Speaking of Barnabus, he and Elizabeth aren’t shown to have any real interactions, but given how the only thing Mann Co. does is sell guns and mine coal, if Elizabeth and her descendants are the true antagonist, there’s no real benefit to killing Barnabus and the Hales.

The only things the Mann Brothers have managed to achieve are founding RED and BLU, and as I’ve assumed, Elizabeth helped them start their companies anyway. The Mann Brothers really don’t need to be kept alive, but there’s no real point to getting rid of them either.

What’s the Administrator’s Deal?

Helen clearly has the same reason most humans would in wanting to live forever, but there’s also a second component. She tells Dell that extending her life isn’t just for her, referring to the “old debt” she’s been settling.

When Dell tells her that her life is at an end, Helen says

I’ve tried to keep this going as long as I could. I…

I even thought I was done once.

I still crave it…as much as I did when I was a little girl.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting it. It’s become…everything.

But you’re right. It’s over. And if I’m going to call an end to all of it…well…

Well.

Why not look my best?

This is incredibly cryptic. The obvious guess is that she’s referring to immortality, but I think it means something more than that.

Zepheniah Mann, a man of a prominent English family, was married to the daughter of William Darling, esquire, another man of a prominent English family.

We don’t really know anything about Bette Darling, but given that a man who fights with cougars for fun like Barnabuscries over her death, she must have been quite the charming lady.

On the other hand, Zepheniah seems like kind of a dick to his wife, ignoring his wife’s death in favor of hearing about his children. It doesn’t sound like a very warm marriage, and Bette would probably get tired of Zeph fairly often.

In England, a lady-in-waiting, or maidservant, was typically a noblewoman or a relative who would be part of a royal consort or noblewoman’s court.

Bette Darling, being from a prominent family and married to Zepheniah Mann, would most likely have her own lady-in-waiting to provide her with some much needed companionship. Given how Zepheniah seems to not care about Bette, who better to serve as a companion than her sister, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth as Bette’s sister makes a lot of sense. We know that Zepheniah ends up partitioning his assets off to her, and it sounds like Elizabeth ends up getting the biggest inheritance out of the recipients. Redmond and Blutarch are idiots, sure, but at the very least Zeph could have left his inheritance to Barnabus if he was that worried about things. After all, Barnabus did manage to run Mann Co. fairly successfully after buying the Brothers’ coal mine. Giving the bulk of his Legacy to a random maidservant makes a lot more sense if that maidservant is actually his dead wife’s sister.

So after Bette’s death, Elizabeth stays on in Zeph’s service, probably as a favor to her sister and her nephews. Then Zeph dies, and Elizabeth is left with a fairly substantial fortune, as well as a cache of Australium that her brother-in-law entrusted to her to keep away from his son.

Elizabeth could have walked away from the Mann Family Drama at any point, but out of loyalty to her sister, she ends up overseeing the conflict between Redmond and Blutarch in order to keep her idiot nephews alive.

And then Elizabeth dies.

So wait, what’s all this shit about genealogy?

Helen’s statement that she’s been stockpiling Australium for 150 years as of the late 1960s suggests that Helen has been alive since around the 1820s, coincidentally close to when the Mann Triplets were born, but the timeline here doesn’t really make sense.

Elizabeth looks to be in her 40s to 60s around 1850, and we know that smoking and age contribute heavily to infertility. Emily looks to be roughly the same age range in 1890, and Helen (who cheated) looks to be roughly the same age in 1970.

Here’s where I’m going to take a guess and say that Elizabeth is 100% dead, and that the old woman we see in the Naked and the Dead is actually her granddaughter Helen.

But in true fashion, I’m gonna go on a tangent to do it.

When Cheavy gets Grey’s LEM ripped out of him at the end of The Naked and the Dead, he looks old. Like, unreasonably old.

According to the Catch-Up comic, the TFC mercs were hired in 1930, and they look to be around their 20s to 40s by this time.

So if we guess on that, and say that Cheavy was born in 1890, he looks great for being 82 in 1972, which is to be expected for a man of his physique. Arnold Schwarzenegger was born in 1947, and he also looks great for being 69 years old.

So why does Cheavy go from looking like the picture of health to Ebenezer Scrooge not five minutes later? Australium withdrawal.

Australium is pretty special. Regular exposure to the stuff can extend your life and increase your vitality, and enough of it can reverse your aging entirely.

We know from Blood in the Water that Australium withdrawal is an actual thing, and that Australians who aren’t exposed to it become pretty normal. The reason the Australian soldiers don’t look like they belong in the grave is because they actually are in the peak of their lives, and aren’t keeping anything at bay by being exposed to Australium.

Cheavy, on the other hand, is basically coming back from the dead to fight Heavy. The Australium is the only thing keeping him alive after Heavy did quite a number on him.

Helen is the second person we’ve seen using Australium to sustain her youth and vitality, and the Australium is definitely taking a toll on her. When it isn’t being used to keep her looking young, she looks every bit the old crone she should be.

So coming out of that tangent with all this information, there’s just no way Elizabeth and Helen can be the same person, and that Elizabeth is 100% dead.

Elizabeth looks to be in her 50s by 1850, and would be at least 94 by the time the third LEM is built. Factoring in all of the smoking, Elizabeth’s body would probably about as healthy as a 150 year old’s by 1895. Even if Radigan could build the LEM in time to deliver to Elizabeth, Australium isn’t meant to prolong life. Helen, a woman who looks to be either 100 years old, or on the wrong side of 80, is able to punch a solid glass window and then shrug it off.

Speaking of the timeframe, Dell keeps making improvements to the LEMs, making 4 different models in total between 1968 and 1972, each more efficient than the last. When we get to the Mark 4, Dell replaces it with a more efficient model, ostensibly because the supply of Australium is slowly running out.

But I don’t think that’s the only reason. After all, there isn't that much improvement between the two, so why bother?

I think that the more you try and prolong your life, the harder it gets to rejuvenate your body, and the more Australium you need to do so. Australium exposure clearly screws with your biology in a massive way, and a 94 year old Elizabeth would be lucky to even survive the surgery necessary to install a LEM, let alone use it for 150 years.

So if Elizabeth is definitely dead before Radigan even builds the LEMs, we need to figure out the time-frame for the three generations of Administrators.

Guesstimating, we can assume that Elizabeth was born around the same time as Zepheniah Mann, probably around 1800. Even if Elizabeth became pregnant with Emily as late as 1850, that would make Emily around 40 years old in 1890, and anywhere from 45-50 when the third LEM is commissioned.

If Elizabeth is definitely dead sometime before or around 1880, that would give Emily the decade she needs to “acquire” her Australium without having to dip into her inheritance.

The third LEM then, is built for Emily.

So if Elizabeth is born around 1800, and Emily is born around 1850, the next logical leap is that Helen is then born around 1900. That’d make sense, as Helen would be in her 60s-70s as of 1972, but she definitely doesn’t look that way.

The answer lies in Australium withdrawal. If we assume that Emily and Helen are different people, and that Elizabeth lived until her 80s, Emily most likely voluntarily died around 1940 after a half-century of watching over the Mann Brothers and not wanting to deal with their shit anymore after a century of life. We’ll give her an extra decade for good luck, giving Helen possession of the LEM and her inheritance around 1950.

Even if Helen didn’t start using the LEM until 1968, that’s still 4 years for her to be constantly exposed to Australium, and if she uses it to reverse her aging just a small amount, she’d probably end up feeling the effects of 6-8 years of exposure.

Going back to the timeline, Elizabeth is dead by 1880, and Emily steps in to fill her mothers shoes, when Blutarch decides he wants to live forever.

Emily then contracts Radigan Conagher to build three Life Extender Machines for her and the Brothers. Radigan dies, and Blutarch takes possession of Radigan’s notes, but can’t do anything with them.

Emily lives through the Second World War, and then decides to pass the torch to her daughter, Helen.

Helen takes over TF Industries, and hires Dell Conagher in 1965. To keep the stalemate going, she hires 8 other Mercs plus Dell and assigns them to fight in the Brothers endless war, probably against other merc teams.

Then Grey Mann resurfaces after nearly 125 years, claiming Mann Co. and killing his brothers for being idiots.

At this point, Helen’s failed her grandmother and grandaunt. Bette Darling’s sons are dead, ironically killed by their own brother. The only duty Helen has left is to continue her grandmother’s job of protecting Zepheniah’s Australium from Grey, and she does a damn good job of it.

Enter the Darlings.

In Unhappy Returns, Saxton’s clearly at a low point, willing to deal with his old rival in order to get his company back, and Charles only wants one thing in return, Australium.

But how does Charles FUCKING Darling know about Australium?

Charles and Helen apparently have history, since Darling clearly knows more about what the Administrator actuallydoes than seemingly anyone else connected to the Mann Brothers and the Gravel Wars.

We know from Bidwell’s Big Plan that Charles Darling and Helen not only have history, but that the two don’t like each other.

If Bette Darling was really friendly, and the Administrators are at the very least, capable of expressing emotions, Charles Darling is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Charles Darling, by all accounts, is fairly sadistic. We see in Unhappy Returns that Darling plans to gather every animal on Earth and put them in a zoo. Oh yeah, and he makes nearly extinct animals stand on boxes in a wall all day. For fun.

The man is also arrogant, too. The next time we see him after his introduction, he’s standing in his rather large manor, reading a book he published with his face prominently displayed on the back, standing underneath an incredibly large portrait of himself, which he helpfully labelled with a golden plaque bearing his name. Did I mention this is his own house?

Charles explains that he wants Australium to keep his animals alive forever, and Saxton seems rather fine with this. After all, he’s got 200,000 pounds of the stuff back at Mann Co., what’s a few thousand pounds here or there? Darling tells Saxton that all of the Australium is gone, and that the Administrator was the one who took it, questioning what the purpose of doing so is.

Except, there’s no reason Charles should know what the Administrator’s been up to, let alone the existence of Australium at all.

Darling isn’t Australian, he isn’t part of the Mann Family, and he’s wealthy enough in his own right that he presumably doesn't need Australium, so what’s the point of gathering it?

Grey Mann tells us that whatever Miss Pauling thinks he was going to do once he had beaten the Administrator, she’s right. He then goes on to say that what the Administrator’s planning on doing is worse. That still leaves Darling, though. If Helen can hire Miss Pauling and Dell Conagher to work for her and have them apparently be fine with what Helen’s doing, can it really be that bad?

Back to the point, in Pyromania we get a hint of who Helen is, and what she’s capable of.

Not only is Helen clearly capable of blatantly stealing the entire United States Australium supply, she goes before the United States Senate and basically ignores them, until we get to the really juicy bit, after which she simply excuses herself.

Speaking of the juicy bit, we don’t learn much from it. Piecing all of the lore together, we learn the opening sentence, and that’s about it.

Very well. For one hundred-fifty years I have been stockpiling Australium to… Helen reveals that she’s trying to prevent something, in order to do something, and her plan involves eighteen perfect idiots.

We know that she’s carrying out her plan in order to fulfill her old debt, and that at the very least her plan involves the nine mercs, but that’s the best guess we can make. Given how in the comics, there are only nine Fortress mercenaries, we still need nine more perfect idiots.

In this scenario, there’s still no indication of what the plan is, but Charles Darling seems like he’s being set up as the main antagonist to our favorite chain-smoking protagonist, by virtue of being the only contender left.

Redmond, Blutarch, and Grey are all dead, meaning that Helen has no obligation to keep the Brothers alive, or defend the Australium from Grey, and the only thing Saxton seems to care about is being able to fight things, leaving only Charles Darling. Oh, and Olivia.

Olivia, in her first appearance, looks remarkably similar to Helen as a child. Olivia is presented to us as Grey’s daughter, but I don’t think that’s true, given how Grey is nearly a hundred and fifty years old by then. What makes a lot more sense is that Olivia is Charles’ daughter.

Grey and Charles could easily set up an alliance of convenience, at least until their mutual enemy Helen is out of the way. Charles could allow Grey to use his daughter to win control of Mann Co., and Grey could allow Charles to take control of some Australium.

Of course, this would break down when the two would have to split the world between themselves, but given that Grey is dead, the point is moot. Grey’s death also leaves Olivia and Charles in a really great position. Olivia, as the supposed daughter of Grey Mann, would inherit Mann Co. with Grey’s death. If Charles really is Olivia’s father, the main Darling branch is well on their way to inheriting all of the Mann Legacy.

Helen, as the granddaughter of Elizabeth Darling, who is the sister of Bette Darling, is a relative of Bette.

By 1971, Helen controls both the original third of Zepheniah’s Legacy that was partitioned to Elizabeth, as well the third shared between Redmond and Blutarch under TF Industries, since Grey seemingly has no interest in the worthless gravel pits, leaving only the Hale’s third independent under Saxton.

If Elizabeth really is Bette’s sister, and Helen is Elizabeth’s granddaughter, this means that two-thirds of the Mann Family Legacy is under the control of the Administrator’s branch of the Darling Family.

If Helen is a Darling, she’s the only one standing in the way of Charles inheriting the entire Mann Estate, and apparently control of the entire planet’s governments under RED and BLU, respectively. To keep the Mann Family Legacy (and the world) out of the hands of the Darlings, I believe that Helen is going off to confront Charles Darling, and presumably kill him and Olivia.

With Charles and Olivia dead, the Mann Legacy would be entirely reunited under Helen, at least until she gives Saxton his company back. Mann Co. can continue on as just a regular company, and Helen’s death will finally bring an end to the Gravel Wars.

TL;DR / RECAP;

Zepheniah Mann married Bette Darling, died, and gave his Estate and Australium to his wife’s sister, Elizabeth Darling.

Elizabeth, her daughter Emily, and her granddaughter Helen have spent the last century repaying Bette and Zepheniah by financially supporting Redmond and Blutarch, keeping them alive, and keeping Zepheniah’s Australium out of the hands of Grey Mann.

Grey killed Redmond and Blutarch, and allied with Charles Darling and his daughter Olivia to take control of Mann Co.

Originally, Helen planned to simply outlive Charles, outwit Grey, and keep the Brothers alive indefinitely, but Blutarch hiring Dell to fix his life-extending machine caused her to include Dell in her plans. The arrival of Grey and murder of Redmond and Blutarch, disrupted these plans, and forced Helen to have to devote all of her resources to keeping the Australium out of Grey’s hands.

With Grey and the Darlings working together to bring her down, Helen is overwhelmed, and has to flee to a remote location, bringing Engineer along to keep her alive until she can defeat Grey and the Darlings.

Grey ends up ironically being killed by his own employees, so control of Mann Co. passes to his “daughter” Olivia, giving the Darlings control over one-third of the Mann Legacy.

Helen, having failed to keep the Mann Brothers alive, succeeds through a pyrrhic victory in keeping Zepheniah’s Australium out of Grey’s hands.

On her deathbed due to the worldwide exhaustion of Australium, only Helen stands in the way of Charles Darling inheriting the entire three parts of the Mann Legacy, as well as control over the entire world with the resources of TF Industries.

In order to finally bring the conflict started in 1850 to a close, Helen has to use her considerable resources to kill Charles and Olivia before she herself dies at the end of Issue #7.

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