#am I a little depressed? of course
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I'm in Greece! I'm visiting my grandparents and will spend the next two weeks working on my novel, reading books and doing some work while sitting in their garden or patio
#nat talks#books#bookstagram#did I bring too many books? naturally#am I a little depressed? of course#BUT I'm having a good day today and I think life is all about those little good moments#also realize how lucky I am to be here#they're getting older so idk if I would get another chance to come here#especially since my brother's getting married in the middle of summer next year and so maybe they won't go to greece at all#who knows what will happen after that#because they spend half the year in sweden and the other half in greece#I found really cheap tickets too#gonna try to just live with my emotions even if they're sometimes bad#idk maybe I'll write more about it later#me
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took myself on a little shopping trip yesterday in the city where i used to study in hopes of lifting my spirits but by the end of the day i felt so disheartened. wandering the same streets 10 years later and not much has changed. i’m still the same lonely unlovable girl.
#i just wanted to have a good time and not rot in bed for once on my work free weekend but of course my brain can’t let that happen#it was such a lovely day actually the weather was sunny and windy it wasn’t too hot or cold ideal weather to stroll through the city#i had delicious food and found some comfortable clothes but at the end of the day i just felt so empty and worn out#seeing all these couples and friend groups and families and i’m still all by myself after so many years#tbh i’m even lonelier now than i was 10 years ago back then i at least had a few friends#idk what i’m doing with my life tbh.. i just want to be happy but even when i take myself on a cute little date i end up feeling miserable#bc it just hits me how truly lonely i am#i fear i’m incapable of forming any genuine relationships anymore bc i had so many bad experiences that i just stopped trying to connect..#with anyone.. even though i crave community friendship companionship and love i completely shut myself off from the world#i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say with all this.. i wish i knew how to be a person in this world#i wish i could be happy#tbh ever since i got back from my italy vacation i’ve been feeling depressed bc life could be so beautiful if i didn’t have to sacrifice..#almost all of my time for work#the post vacation depression is too real…#realizing you can only spend a very limited time traveling and enjoying yourself bc you have to work most of the time just to afford living#let me stop.. i keep rambling and my thoughts are falling like a waterfall#idk what’s wrong with me… i should have breakfast and put my phone away#sorry to anyone who actually reads all this word vomit#☁️
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2023 art summary ヽ(´w｀) i ended up not posting most of my stuff for the latter half (yet) but i’m really happy with a lot of what i worked on!!!!!
#my art#art summary#2023 art summary#art school is actually so fun sometimes did you know that. i made so many fun comics and experimented with new stuff. sometimes i wasn’t#any good at what i tried but it’s still sooo rewarding when i improved even just a little. and it feels REALLY good#to be able to show off some skills or familiarity with materials that i use less often these days#bc i can show my marker or colored pencil drawings and my classmates who have only seen my digital stuff are excited about it sometimes :-]#bc i really just like working in a lot of different mediums and i’m really thankful that my love for art and art making hasn’t dwindled#even though of course i have dormant periods and times where i don’t feel like making art or i feel frustrated with what i am able to do#it always comes back around. just like how i always feel better whenever i feel depressed#and i just love art and colors and i love the world and the people in it and myself and all the people i have been#anyways i hope you all feel happy or you will soon hugs and kisses goodnight (extremely loud thunk on the floor)
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I think it would be rly sick if you went to go build a crow rook and the surname was Arainai
like…. just another little compradi trying to bring glory back to your house - rinnala and taliesin are dead by the house’s hand, zevran failed and deserted, guili murdered in the night, all semblance of power lost once again. the house is trying to claw its way back up, futile as it seems. that’s the way of house arainai, isn’t it? talon to knife to talon to knife to nothing, same as it’s been since the house first lost power in the early dragon age. but you, bright-eyed little crow, you’ll break the cycle, won’t you? for the family?
after all, caterina’s prized heir is right there - the demon of vyrantium, the infamous mage killer, sleeping just down the hall. you can be quiet, can’t you? all those means at your disposal, and all the opportunities you could want. you could find a way in under that armor, get to something soft and bruisable and make it bleed. he’s far from home, isn’t he? without a friend? confidantes are few and far between - even a demon must get lonely.
maybe he’d even trust you. you’re a clever little bird, right? you can find something to exploit. after all, what does a would-be talon do except claw, except maim? what else would you be good for? there is no gentleness to crows - you are here to deliver a message: run, little demon, quick as you like.
house arainai will make carrion of you yet.
#there is no world in which I think this would happen BUT I think it would be fun#house arainai doesn’t even have beef like this I’m just making it up for sport#just a cute little assassination attempt to enemies to lovers arc for the nerves#I also 1) don’t imagine caterina is dead (but maybe over the course of the game) and 2) I think other succession plans would be followed#but what if someone put a contract out for Lucanis and he realizes that caterina was the one who would’ve had to approve it?#and there’s any number of people who would call in a contract like that in exchange for power#but what is gained in taking one man out from a line of succession? who benefits from his death enough to pay for it?#and then he realizes (whether it’s true or not) that the person who stands to gain the most with such a contract#is illario (who would finally be clear in his path to first talon)?? what then???#ohohoho they didn’t tell me what betrayal Lucanis is coming back from so in my mind I am giving him them all#I know the betrayal will (presumably) be related to the [redacted] thing but I am inventing new problems for fun#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: tevinter nights#lucanis dellamorte#also I wrote this as a little brainworm treat but now I’m like ‘am I……… playing a crow rook??’#(not until I finish my beloved depressed orlesian girlboss warden rook#but maybe someday)#idk man my brain is so rotted from rotating this game and this character around in my mind like a gas station hot dog#went directly from ‘I should write a baseless and unfounded account of this guy whackin’ it’ to ‘and also I want to end his bloodline’#the blorbo dichotomy………….#also ALSO I think it would be even funnier if every faction had to kill their double#mourn watch rook smothering peepaw with a pillow for the grave crime of uhhhhh kidnapping manfred from the necropolis#SOMEONE PUT THAT OLD MAN DOWN HE’S TEACHING THE SKELETON THE FOUND FAMILY TROPE#da thoughts
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I've just realized that I use youtube exactly the same way I use pinterest.
Liked videos=profile
Playlists=boards
My brain really just sees media I like and goes "sort it bitch"
#youtube#pinterest#and yes#i am of course#✨️neurospicy✨️#i love the word neurospicy#like#oh yes#my brain just has a couple extra shots of hot sauce#thats why im depressed#all the cayenne#i also love the sparkly emoji#makes me think of the twilight thing#you know#edward: im a killer#bella: but sparkli#that was a weird movie franchise#wasnt the author mormon#maybe thats why#isnt mormonism a cult#whats the definition of a cult#okay google says it's a system of religious veneration and devotion directed toward a particular figure or object#which just sounds like a religion to me#but hey im just a crazy little atheist#actually google probably isnt reliable#i keep trying to leave google because i know theyre super shitty#but I know fuck all about computer shit#i cant even screen record#oh god i cant even remember what this post was originally about#take these tags as evidence of the neurospice
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After years of job rejections and life in general full of bad luck, I’m left to rely on the one thing I’m actually “good” at. Which means:
👉Self Promotion.👈
I am open for work, c0missi0ns or otherwise, and there is my P*treon as well. Which ever works best for anyone.
#dreamer speaks#buy me a cup of ko fi?#on patreon#self promo#art related#I’ve been job hunting for three years#I’ve only been able to land one ‘job’ and it was seasonal part time where they didn’t keep me afterwards#and after seeing posts about most job posts are actually fake#I am both very discouraged and depressed#I’m used to having little to nothing#but I’m tired of my own kin thinking that I’m not a good adult and incapable of survival#so any support in any way is greatly appreciated#no pressure of course sense everything is going nuts across the world#just spreading the word is more then enough for me
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holy sh¡t a Deception fan in the year of our lord 2023?? how does it feel being in a fandom with 4 people in it bestie
Do not cite the deep magic to me, child... I was there when it was written!
#jokes aside#I remember when the fandom had a somewhat active 200+ fans that made fan content for the show#I was 18 when I started this blog#I'm 23 now and... wow#I made jokes about how it'll be five years and I won't be over this show... apparently I was not wrong lol#though now it's more of a fond nostalgia#I have fics I never finished#though I kinda wanna make little summary posts to just explain how those fics would've ended#in the summer of 2018 I wrote SO MUCH fanfic content because I didn't take summer courses my first year#tbh sometimes I wish I never even heard of the show but then I think of the good things it brought me#like the cool online friends I found#to discovering that I love to write and pulling me out of my first year depression#wow this got kinda sentimental#point is...#I am still kinda a fan#I make incorrect quotes now and then when I find something I think would work#I would love to see some sort of closure to the story#and tbh I still get excited by new fics#especially the Kaymeron ones#but I would love to talk more about it#if people were interested#deception
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please forgive me, but I need to complain and over-share or my brain is going to explode please feel free to ignore
#I'm not doing well.#the last two places I worked (in a tourism-adjacent sector) closed. broadly speaking due to post-lockdown financial issues#for the past year at my current job I've been earning less than half what I used to. this was the only offer I got at the time and#I haven't found anything better since. this is not sustainable I'm barely making it each month...#I live with my parents and cancelled my health insurance I don't know how else to reduce my budget. it's depressing tbh#the solution is obviously to find a better job but that's just not happening and I'm beginning to feel discouraged.#I hate being negative it's a very unattractive character trait but I just feel myself slipping and spiraling#I know I should be taking short courses or volunteering to boost my cv but like when ! and how !#I can't afford to work less but I get home at 20h so even evening courses are tricky. I work every other saturday too so weekends are out#and like I do need to rest at some point you can't be depressed and burnt out that's a terrible combo#was looking at a dtp/typesetting short course and 1) I'll need a new computer that can actually run design programs#and 2) the course itself is like 2 month's salaries which I cannot realistically save right now#and yet I'm still ''over-qualified'' for entry level positions because I went to uni. well maybe that's just a polite excuse#because as interesting as my humanities degrees were they didn't equip me with any practical or marketable skills#besides being good at reading and writing. but AI can do that for free now so that's not helpful#I always thought I was reasonably intelligent but I cannot solve this puzzle. there must be a creative solution that I'm missing#but i feel so stuck and trapped#and at least once a week some poor soul stumbles in to the office practically begging for a job so I feel bad for complaining#a little truly is better than nothing#but thank god we elected more pro-business capitalists into government that really is going to be great for us workers (sarcasm)#also I should acknowledge#I am getting some déjà vu. I feel like I've vented about this topic before#the difference is. back then it was a potential concern. now the concern has materialised into reality and rendered the situation desperate
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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#like I’m sorry#I love my best friend so so so much and she’s perfect and kind and has gone above and beyond to be rational and to be there for me#and I get it she’s an autistic woman and has faced adversity and has had to go on medical leave and that’s hard#and I’m not being dismissive of her struggles#but it makes me so angry because her parents unconditionally love her and her siblings and have always made her feel that way#and has never worried about money as a kid#and yeah her relationship with her parents isn’t perfect of course#but she literally cannot understand domestic violence beyond just reading about it in a book#like she did everything she can to understand and relate#but sometimes I want to scream because I feel so alone#because no one in my life fucking understands why I’m the way I am#and I’ve been struggling the past two months really badly with coping#I’ve had to go to the doctor to ask about PTSD and not like the tik tok OWO kind#but the I was in a car crash as a kid with my dad as a drunk driver and I keep getting flashbacks in my daily life to being a small child#that are impacting by daily life and interactions#and like I feel so fucking alone#and to hear from my friends ‘your right this is horrible and toxic but lots of people go through this’ ISNT FUCKING HELPING#I don’t want to hear that it’s normal I want to feel fucking safe in my bedroom without my mother blowing up my phone or calling the cops#I am unwell and I’m so stressed and I’m so sick and I can’t cope with this and none of the therapists I’ve tried to find handle ptsd#especially not therapists of color#I’m angry and I’ve been getting worse over the past two months#and not that it matters but due to ^^^ reasons my birthday has always been insanely fucking bad for me#like depression watch bad. when I turned twenty I was vividly hallucinating while walking around campus for a week straight having#flashbacks in class and I had to be taken out of the auditorium because I was physically unwell and couldn’t stop crying and shaking#and I told my friend I didn’t want to celebrate I just wanted to sit on her couch and not be alone and she fucking ditched me#because an emergency with a different friend came up the night before#like I have a history of suicidal ideation traumatic flashbacks eating disorders and self harm and I’m asking you to be with me on a very#upsetting day and you call me the night before telling me we have to cancel because another friend is having a bigger crisis#and like you don’t even feel a little bad about it??#I’m just upset and scared and I’ve got a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m not in reality right now and that’s scary
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seeing something list “Guilt and shame at not being able to keep clean” as an ADHD symptom...bitch what if i dont feel anything about it? Certified to not have ADHD because I revel in the chaos. I leave something on the floor and forget about it and when it finally renders in my vision later I’m like “Fuck yeah!!! Environmental Storytelling!!!!!”
#this is partially untrue#i dont revel in it or feel guilty or shameful im just like 'ugh fuck ill clean it eventually'#if i have a thing i want or need to do then that means i 'dont have time' (also untrue)#it is just annoying! i am sure clean freaks also feel shame when there is ONE THING on the floor#like when you are a parent and guests are coming. what do they have a temporary bout of adhd#idk the emotional aspect could be a way for someone to realize what theyre experiencing is a sign of something#but also i think just 'being unable to keep an area clean' would suffice???#someone with depression could feel guilt and shame about lack of energy to keep clean#of course like any diagnostic criteria could be connected to other things if its not occurring as part of a bigger picture blah blah#idk im just a le epic god of logic and do not understand Emotion Pilled cucks#anyway this was about a tumblr adhd ad so. i am wasting time.#this is not diagnostic like why am i still typing this#this was less a train of thought and more like a shitty little caboose of thought#maybe the epic logic fedora lord tag is where the caboose lit on fire
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POV: an inconvenience happened to me but I'm depressed
#based on a true story#im not suicidal but the ideation is there#my depression is getting worse again because of course and i cant sign in to my minecraft account#so like i may as well die really#/hj i wish i was fully joking here but I'm not kidding there are very few things keeping from laying in bed and crying all day#and if i only lay in bed and cry for long enough i know what comes next#its less that my life is sporadically falling apart and im dramatically spiraling#and more just that little things are incrementally become slightly harder and more inconvenient#until nothing is worth it and i stop#im very tired i cannot do anymore#i am losing my patience with life
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hello. sorry i disappeared again i think this is just who i am now. finally living my dreams of being a cryptid
i wrote like a chapter and a half of a fuckign ladybug fic today. it is cringe but i am free. who is interested (it's not gonna follow canon very closely at all because i do not care it is for my enjoyment)
#i'm fine i just have depression and chronic issues and i have decided to stop forcing myself to post when i am not well#disappearances are probably just part of my brand at this point#me coming back from the dead once again#miraculous ladybug#the oc is named raven romero renato he's so bbygirl#he's got anxiety but he's also an adrenaline junkie which makes a terrible terrible combination.#of course he's given a miraculous and this just makes it so much worse#he's a coyote btw#and like a model n shit but who cares about that. show me this man vigilante-ing#(i am making them actual vigilantes not just responding to akuma attacks)#(i'm also aging them up because... 14 year old superheroes.......... insert throwing up emoji)#he also has trauma ofc hes my oc but it's also kind of a crackfic#if you couldn't tell his love interest is adrien#and maybe a little luka but idk. they might just be besties instead#marinette will be severely less creepy and things will overall be changed to fit my headcanons. cope.
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in 2021 I wondered "what if each MC had their own style? or... EARRINGS...?" and at the end of 2022 I spiraled. hope you enjoy.
(I just need everyone to notice each MC has a corresponding number of beauty marks and piercings. no, multiple piercings in one section do not count shhhhh. some MCs share small similarities, can you spot them all? the little details of this brought me great joy!)
MC 1's style is playful, colourful and everything fun. MC 2's style is cool, coordinated and a little edgy. MC 3 wears barely any clothing because I gave up 🖤 and I imagine Toji coerces him into ever having any semblance of modesty 🖤 MC 4's style is soft, comfy and pastels. and MC 5, I imagine, is a bit of goth, a bit of academia, and very put together.
ps. if you made it this far, here are the MC 3 "rejects". I like him the most with no lip piercings, but I think he definitely needs them. can you believe I redrew his face 4 times and yet never gave him clothes.
pps. every MC is named "Nii Juu San (23)" in my head, EXCEPT him. HIS name is Boobina 🖤
#housamo#tokyo afterschool summoners#housamo fanart#tas#do i have an art tag. i post once every 3 years why would i have an art tag#my art#pipe down moppet#alright okay now i can ramble as much as i want. LISTEN#i had SO much fun drawing this i havent drawn regularly since 2018 bc depression murdered me#and then BOOM brain started being normal and suddenly i drew nearly all of this in one weekend!!!!!!!#mc 1 i started in 2021 btw and completed and redrew last lol#little hint but mc 2 and 4 the twins. in my mind. have matchy under heart eye piercings. excited ab those BECAUSE#my classmate who is the biggest sweetheart had one. so i was like... i give to them...#i HC these two as particularly they/them nonbinaries btw. peep the earrings. want a pair#love mc 5 the most i think. look at his dragon earrings. at first my whole purpose of this was to give him kpop earrings n then i was like.#no way am i going to draw 24 dragons shoved into one person and NOT put any dragons on them. absolute blasphemy#love his earrings stares.#and of course i went with their original colour themes. bc i CAN 🖤#okay done talking now I think#hope you all like this as much as i enjoyed drawing it!!!!!!!!#genuinely makes me so happy to look at every time i see it im like =3c !!!!!!!!#i did that!!! incurable dysthymia eat my ass!!!!!!#could talk about this for an hour. will stop now.#love y'all! here's to more housamoing.#tumblr ate this post 3 times btw. hatred#PPPS !!!!! MC 1 chipped nail polish. so much serotonin. okay done for real.
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you don't have to read this is for screaming in the void
#trying to explain that i'm struggling without saying the big most important part of why i am struggling is .#like oh i'm struggling because uh . the issues. what are the issues? well . they are issues that i refuse to elaborate on#so it doesn't help anybody. but like how am i supposed to explain to my mom that the reason i've become so severely depressed is because#i'm suicidal. like oh btw ^-^ i hate the life you gave me and brought me into so bad that i want to die. but it's no big deal so don't worr#about it.#which like that wouldn't be how i meant it at all but of course that's also implied or something#which just makes me think of other things like that if things weren't so bad id be able to get help but help is inaccessible.#ughhhh i just hate this it's so agonizing. like cant things be a little less bad. i'm not having fun being like this and people are#reasonably irritated with me because only based on what i'm willing to tell just. isn't the full story at all and would obviously just.#not make sense because i'm leaving out major parts of what's happening and why.#and tbh i'm constantly going back and forth between like. coming out as suicidal. mainly because like. well. it kinda worrying me.#because for like months now i've almost daily been fighting off suicidal thoughts and often even having suicidal meltdowns#yesterday i was standing near a ceiling fan and was like hmm wouldnt it be nice if one of the blades came off and stabbed me through#the back of my skull and killed me. but then i thought no that would be too traumatizing for my family#as if me dying at all wouldn't be. which i also thought of. idk just thinking about the idea of#i want to live but not like this. because yeah. my mom said that she thinks reading bad news is why and it's like well . of course it is#but should i just stay completely unaware of what's happening in the world. but also bad news is just unavoidable#but yeah it is why i'm depressed. climate change racism homophobia transphobia covid wars economy etc like#these are things that i can't just. ignore? and am i seriously the crazy person for being upset about these things?#well she does think i'm crazy for still being scared of the dangerous virus that is currently the third leading cause of death in the us#like last night she was like ' it's good to be cautious but you're going over board' i'm friends with people who could die from covid.#'over board' i care about them and other people and i don't want them to die. i don't want to be permanently disabled by a virus with#a 20% chance every time i catch it to permanently damage my immune system and give me long covid. <- according to cdc#but whatever. i do genuinely want mental help. i think i need s different medication or a diagnosis bc uhmmm . i am unwell#but that's expensive.#i have an appointment with a doctor today for a med check because i don't think my ssri is working . obviously#as i am as you can tell absolutely overcome with severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. lolzors#whatever. except not because ouuuughhhgh <-unimaginable suffering#mypost
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My therapist needs to stop to almost make me cry, how dare she makes me show emotions in front of people😭 Also thanks for the realization that school apparently has fucked up the view I have of myself more than I thought it has, maybe it hasn’t been a good decision to place me in a special project class for “smart kids” after all.
#like making me think I'm smarter and better than most kids ceases to be nice when you get placed in an environment where you're-#-not more than average or better than the others#then of course you ask yourself what happened? why am I not living up to my potential anymore? congrats girl you've developed depression#but hey my depression test score was cut in half from since may last year🥳 out of the depressive episode I go#nothing can stop me then😤#although it would be nice if I wouldn't hate myself anymore#like who started this anyways huh? why is there a mean voice in my head? fuck off you little dude#anyways I had a good day I think and I can't thank my therapist enough#have a great you all🖤
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