#analysis class. and i have to explain what’s going on there bc most ppl in engineering do not know these things. but there aren’t really any

[pallases]

YGHHHHFHF interviews are a joke

[transmechanicus]

Hi! I'm honestly excited that tumblr recommended me a good blog for once. It's nice to see other trans ppl living their best life out here.

Anyway, I hope you don't mind a question, but I'm currently an undergrad and really interested in grad school. idk how applicable your experience would be since im a comp sci student, but what's it like in grad school? how accepting has it been of trans people for you? do you have any recommendations on what to do to increase the chance of getting in?

p.s. idk a ton about biochemistry or genetics, but i have a friend who's super into it (he's also planning on going to grad school for it lol), and I love hearing him talk about it. so I'm also curious as to what you're doing :o

Grad school is broken up into phases in my experience, which is dependent on institution and major. For me, year one is classes and rotations, the latter of which is 7 week trials in a lab of interest to get a feel for their work and the lab social and mentor environ. Classes generally compose discussing research techniques and recent publications, and test you on your ability to read research literature and understand it as well as propose follow up investigations. Year two is finishing classes and starting work on your thesis projects, as well as completing preliminary exams, which for biochem are written (grant proposal) and oral (ppt presentation of grant proposal). Year two has less classes than year one and your actual lab work dominates most of your time. Year 3, 4, and 5 are basically spent having a full time job as a senior lab researcher where you are expected to learn your local field well enough to come up with an idea and pursue it to discover or demonstrate something novel in the form of your thesis, as well as publish at least one paper on your work in the meantime.

My institution has not had any issues with trans ppl in my experience. I came out to my lab in Oct of 2023, and gradually to my classmates and the wider program over the following months. Administrative staff and professors have been very on the ball with my pronouns and chosen name, and our program recently got a new professor who is also a trans woman. I won't say which institution to reduce the amount i dox myself, but safe to say I'm content in regards to my treatment as a transgender person.

Getting into grad school usually requires demonstrated undergraduate research or a gap period of research employment after undergrad. I did some undergraduate work (though not strictly in my field) and a year of relevant employment after undergrad. 3 months into said employment I applied for grad school lol which was a little earlier than usually advised bc i hadn't been there long. (My post-bac PI was very demanding and restrictive so I wanted out ASAP). The main things grad schools are looking for is are you able to talk about research you're doing now, what research you want to do, and why you've chosen their institution. They want you to demonstrate you have an interest in researching topics they have professors willing to support, and also that you have the problem solving and data analysis skills to adequately perform research work and operate semi-independently. Having undergraduate or post-bac research that you can explain in detail why you did certain things, what the motivation is, what the goal is, etc is how you prove your worth to grad recruiters (who are usually professors looking for students).

My work is specifically focused on the use of short synthetic peptides to sense the activity of kinases, which regulate pathways in the human body related to growth, division, and apoptosis. When kinases are disregulated it causes various diseases, but it's hard to test drugs for many of these kinases bc there aren't effective monitors for their activity that don't get a lot of false positives due to overlapping signal pathways. The use of synthetic peptides with certain sequences gets around that issue of false positives, and they can be modified to provide information about how effectively a kinase is binding and interacting with the peptide, which would change under exposure to effective inhibitor drugs for those kinases. TL;DR I make little bits of protein to bind other broken proteins and tell me when they're turned on so other ppl can design drugs to turn them off.

Pls let me know if you have any further questions, I apologize that I don't know any comp-sci majors so this might be wildly inaccurate in some regards. XD

[saintsarefake]

Hey so jttw does explore tang sanzang arc

Hes is a mostly static character but he does actually develop subtly. He supposed represent confucious ideal in a person (i may b incorrect but he is a representation of a ideal. Hence why swk is far more flexible n able to lean more about the sutras better than he did)

This guy was in his twenties when this whole shebang started n up facing traumatic things back to back. (From seeing how ppl get brutalizing murder, to ppl wanting to kill/eat him, to ppl trying to sexually assault him and sm more) He was naive at the start but remember he almost got killed by swk in the beginning.

I think most ppl believe he does the spelll daily to the point where swk passe from the pain but that not happen in the book.(in the book itself swk doesnt pass from the pain, its in different media but not in the book) what he does do is use it multiple times a and then proceed to never use it in months and in years. (Bc while yes the arc seem back to back, its actually years and months that happened in between changing from from arc to the next)

Alot of the times when the circlet is used theres is a background reason why he has done it. (Like in true and false monkey arc: where they are trying to find the real swk but it didn’t work bc LEMH copied swk perfectly. This tends to happen alot in the book where a character transforms into swk n copy him to a T.) He doesn’t abused that in a day to day basis. (none of the pilgrims would have been comfortable had tang sanzang abused it not even zhu bajie. Who also went tru a character arc) its not great that he does it all in one go but its better than what most ppl presume he does. Theres post going around that explains the wbs arc and why zhu bajie was being a ass there ao im not explaining that.

Seriously ends up feeling guilty for not bringing anything to the table while his pilgrims are going around getting supplies. He goes like “please do not mind my disciples, theyre are good people even if theyre ugly af”

His character arc is way in the background even he is a static character. Since jttw is more so in your face about sun wukong character development.

I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I KEPT FORGETTING TToTT

damn i actually learnt a lot from this bc i only read half way through the book and then lost where i was going

i've started rereading the book again since my class assignment revolves around it and i wanted to have more information on sanzang since i'm doing a character analysis on him and i have noticed most of the things above

the part where you explained how he used the curcit and the time between each installment makes a lot more sense, since it was kind of concerning that a buddhist, someone who is supposed to be peaceful and hate inflicting pain on others, uses it as often as sanzang has within the novel

sorry if this is ramble-y, you make a lot of good points and i really like what you say and i genuinely do not know how to respond properly i'm sorry again if this seems really rude and dismissive

[genshinbent]

okay first off thank you for saving me from having to make an entire blog dedicated to this. secondly. i have Thoughts.

first off, the disclaimer: everyone has different interpretations of characters and different ideas on how classpecting works and yadda yadda. i just happen to have Opinions

1. venti is a time player. i almost talked myself into making him a blood player in explaining how not a breath player he is. the ideal of freedom in genshin context isn’t necessarily the same as breath in the homestuck context. i’d almost say rogue of time due to his role as a guide for the traveler? shenhe on the other hand is definitely a breath player (as are kazuha and at a first glance, scaramouche). i will avoid going into more detail about venti unless asked bc when i tried to write out my thoughts i ended up with like three pages of stuff

2. while i can understand a light or void albedo, to me, he’s definitely a space player. i think he’s either maid/witch/seer/mage. i think makoto would also be a space player. i originally put sucrose down as space too but i don’t really feel this necessarily fits her? i’d almost suggest hope but i don’t really know. yelan would be void, though. maybe thief? i also like sylph!barbara although i haven’t closed in on aspect due to me not knowing her super well. my first thought would be life or hope. blood!zhongli works out great; i think he’d probably be something like a lord, though. making the rules for it and all. space/light/void works well for mona; i’m leaning towards light or void for her. i think chongyun fits rage better than hope. i would actually suggest heir of breath for kazuha, actually. i feel like diluc and kaeya both have a lot of light/void theming in their lives, so they could both fit either one. diluc also fits hope/rage and kaeya blood/breath. fischl is definitely a heart player. i’d almost say rogue? she begins with an excess of identity/soul/inner self/etc and currently hasn’t gone much from there, but rogues tend to start with an excess of their aspect and have to learn how to redistribute it to other ppl to even themselves out, if that makes sense. knights/rogues/pages/thieves all tend to have personas. lisa strikes me as a light/void as well, but like, in a negative context. hu tao is like, a maid or sylph of doom or time. jean strikes me as blood but i don’t have any ideas beyond that, really. i could see ei as either a prince of heart or mind (which really comes down to how she’s approaching it due to them being opposites and all). bennett would also make a very funny void player. knight and doom almost fit separately for xiao but together they just strike me as wrong; not entirely sure why. he has a front but i wouldn’t say he’s insecure about it, per se— he knows what he’s good at and what he’s not. he’s just… blunt, and standoffish in a manner of speaking due to him not having been very super social and as such, largely lacking social skills, on top of all the shit he’s been through and friends he’s lost. my thoughts would be like, a maid of doom.

anyways this is a lot of words to say half of this is just off the top of my head and most aren’t super thought through yet. we probably classpect differently too, tbh; i tend to be more fluid with fanon analysis on what classes represent and focus on the themes and how characters interact with their aspect. like how aspects should come up everywhere in the theming and life of a character and all that. alas, a large portion of genshin characters have personas which complicates everything for everyone. my thoughts on these are also liable to change depending on the day, and the only one that has remained the same has been time!venti bc it’s just… so obvious and also inarticulable to me

Yesssssss this is my favorite thing to see in my inbox hahaha

1. Personally, I would love for you to go into more detail in Venti as a Time player! It's an idea I definitely haven't heard before, but I'm interested in hearing what makes you think that

I don't know enough about Shenhe or Scaramouche (I wonder if I should start saying Wanderer instead...) to say for certain, but I agree with Kazuha being Breath. I'm debating between mostly Rogue or Mage for his class tbh. Heir fits symbolically with his family history and all, but I don't see it otherwise.

2. Space was my other contender for Albedo, but it seems closer to a byproduct of his circumstances? His worldview seems very Light/Void centered, even though he employs a lot of Space techniques and themes. The way I see it, the art of alchemy in general is a very Space-centric skill but that doesn't mean that every alchemist is a Space player.

I don't know enough about Yelan and I haven't dug really deep into Sucrose yet but I've considered Space or Life for her. Maybe Light but eh.

I considered Life for Barbara but she's not super big on, like, growth and assertiveness and whatnot, but she is big on sheer optimism so Sylph of Hope was pretty clear to me.

I'm pretty hesitant using the master classes as we don't have a lot of information on them, but even so, I'm not feeling Lord Zhongli. He's definitely competent with his aspect, but his big choice was letting other people make the rules and hold the reins, and he seems satisfied with his new life. Even before that, he was never really a hands on leader- the Tianquan made most of the decisions.

I'm very torn between Space and Light for Mona honestly, I can see and argue for both pretty equally which is kind of frustrating, and I'm not sure between Seer or Mage either but I'm leaning towards the latter.

Okay I'm glad someone agrees with Rage Chongyun rather than Hope lmao. I was thinking it fit, but I know that some people really only see Rage as the crazy destructive aspect.

Yeah Diluc to me fits the Hope/Rage spectrum best. I am feeling Hope because I think that would be at his best and most comfortable in life, but I think he rejects his aspect (and his instinctive desire for optimism) and leans into Rage fairly often.

I'm with you between Light/Void and Blood/Breath for Kaeya. I haven't dug into him yet because I know I'm gonna have to do a lot of rereading his wiki due to all the mystery behind him and I've been putting that off honestly.

Yay another vote for Heart Fischl haha. I've hesitantly used Knight for her class, but I'm not super set on it. Rogue could be a contender too, not sure.

I don't know Jean well enough as she's the only standard character I haven't pulled yet. I'm not sure what you mean by "in a negative context" for Lisa but I'm imagining 'Light player (derogatory)'. I'm pretty certain she's a Mage, but I'm not certain of her aspect. Light/Void at a first glance sounds good as a prized pupil if the Akademiya, but the fact that she just... stopped... when realizing how dangerous that knowledge is dissuades me. I'm thinking Space, unless I see a really convincing argument for Void

I definitely had Time for Hu Tao. I'm actually hoping to pull for her on her next rerun so I've been holding off on scouring her wiki for details into her class until I can read the voice lines and such myself 😅

Yes I had some trouble going back and forth between Heart and Mind for Raiden Ei tbh. I settled on Mind, because her worldview doesn't seem to be very settled on the self, even though a lot of her actions are. I think it would make sense if her sister Makoto was Heart, as a primary influence over over Ei, but I'm not actually going to guess at Makoto's character.

Yeah Bennett as Void is pretty clear cut haha. An argument could be made for Doom but I don't think it fits as well. Misfortune and bad luck is different from bad situations.

I can see where you're coming from wrt Xiao not fitting the Knight archetype of insecurity and while I agree, I also want to point out that this dude is two-thousand years old. After a certain point, insecurity in interpersonal relations can easily hide behind the self-confidence of spending millennia not dying or going insane. I've gotta consider that teens are gonna portray the same classpect differently from adults, and adults are gonna portray their classpects differently from immortals.

I tend to go back and forth over character's classpects for a while before I make an actual decision bc like you said, my opinions can vary day-to-day. I read a lot of the fanon theories and understandings but I don't ascribe to any particular one, I just cobble together my own understanding haha

But yeah! I welcome any thoughts on these and I am definitely interested in hearing your Time!Venti theory if you want to share it :D

[palmett-hoes]

per your post "every single one of the monsters is autistic and/or adhd" will you elaborate on that?, if you do i will love you forever (not that i wont if you dont do it)

oh boy i would love to!!! unironically nothing brings me more joy than writing long, convoluted character analysis posts

---

okay so i’ve written several posts before about why andrew is autistic. his moral code, the roundabout way he communicates, his body language, his stimulation-seeking behavior, his strict adherence to transactional deals, the emphasis on honesty, and a dozen other details. at this point i just take andrew being autistic as fact, not just an interpretation

h o w e v e r  i also hc that andrew is dyslexic, which is also a neurodiverse condition

- - -

similarly, i’ve seen more than one person interpret kevin as autistic, and i absolutely agree that it fits. not just the hyperfocus on exy but mostly the way he communicates. he’s very indirect, especially in his affection but very direct with his opinions. he tries to be helpful in a material way to the people he cares about, even if he comes off as negative. he wants the people he cares about to be safe and successful so he pushes them to work hard and reminds them in measurable ways how to stay healthy. he doesn’t factor in a lot of room for emotions, so instead he focuses on quantifiable things that he can improve. i personally act very similarly. approaching someone emotionally is hard for me, so when the people i care about have problems all i can think to do is try offering solutions, check up on their well-being, etc. practicality instead of conventional sentiment is extremely common with asd

- - -

so now let’s talk about neil. i had to think on this one for a WHILE but ultimately came to the conclusion that neil is adhd, probably hyperactive type. 

like obviously neil is high energy. i would say he probably does the most exercise of anyone on the team. morning run, morning practice, afternoon practice, night practice with kevin and andrew, plus he doesn’t have a car so he runs to class (on a BIG ass campus), and goes for an extra run when he feels stressed. that’s... insane, honestly.

neil reminds me SO MUCH of this post that goes:

“Was just informed by my mom that I do in fact have ADHD and the reason I thought I didn’t was because ever since I was seven whenever I got super energetic my mom would have me go chop wood so now when I’m feeling The ADHD I go chop wood”

(phenomenal post) and that’s neil to a t. tell me this isn’t exactly how neil handles his problems and also exactly what mary would have had to do to keep her unmedicated and very energetic son focused on the task of staying alive

neil also definitely has that ADHD on/off switch with his interest. the obvious being exy which is like the definition of a hyperfixation, but you can see it in other things: the way he runs totally hot or totally cold with people, his complete disinterest in his schoolwork, the way he can’t seem to sit still long enough to follow movies. but then there’s also the hyperfocus. doing the same drill for hours on end. watching exy game after exy game. staring at andrew until time falls away

what’s more, neil on many occasions shows racing thoughts, both in an anxiety way (and anxiety often goes hand-and-hand with adhd) but also as a way to quickly and accurately take in details about people to build a character profile of them. this is what allows him to connect with the foxes, how he manages to get through andrew’s puzzles, and even how he knows what to say in order to knock riko down a peg. his brain just works so fast and it takes in a lot of very specific details and disparate information to make connections.

but also like,, neil has a HUGE problem with time blindness. like the instant he didn’t have his mother around to manage and direct him anymore he lost all sense of time. he stayed in Millport for a YEAR. and what did he keep telling himself during that time? basically “i really need to move on, but not just yet.” for a YEAR! then he gets to palmetto and he’s like “i’ll cut and run in a month or two” then he doesn’t “i’ll be gone by halloween” wrong again “i’ll leave by the raven’s game” nope. like,, the boy just has NO sense of time and he can’t seem to make himself DO anything outside of an externally enforced schedule. and even then,,, HE HAD 48 FUCKING DAYS TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING TO DO TO NOT GET MURDERED! 48 WHOLE DAYS. he didn’t make a plan, he didn’t write down any letters with goodbyes, he didn’t GO TO THE FBI LIKE HE’D INTENDED TO THE WHOLE TIME! nah he just made out with andrew and when he finally got to zero he was just like “ah shit, that was fast. oh well guess i’ll die” and that’s time blindness, babey!

---

let’s move on to nicky. 

now i think it would be really easy to say nicky is just adhd because he’s high energy and forgetful but tbh,, i don’t think that’s all of it. like if you really look at nicky’s character and especially at his problems, he has asd problems just as much as he has adhd problems.

so nicky is dual diagnosis asd and adhd. also nicky reminds me a lot of a girl i used to know who was autistic/adhd

so, adhd:

very generally speaking, ppl with adhd will struggle with sitting still, listening to and following instructions, planning/organization, following a schedule, and some social boundaries like “appropriate” times and topics of conversation

i would say you see hints of this with nicky. he’s definitely a rambunctious personality, constantly on the move, constantly stimulation seeking. he’s very tactile. he likes to dance, he likes to party, he complains about it but he’s an elite-level athlete. he’s also decidedly very chatty, and doesn’t seem to really pay attention to what he’s saying. he distracts himself and the people around him have to keep him on track. he has some trouble with boundaries. he’s a little all over the place. he’s almost a bit of an adhd stereotype

also one thing i find interesting is that when neil sees him in the library doing work neil is surprised to see he’s capable of that, especially bc when we see the upperclassmen doing work they generally do it in their dorms or on the bus and/or with other people around. that hyper-social nicky would be alone in a quiet place is weird. but this is like the most common tip for dealing with adhd. don’t do it in a familiar space. have a designated space and time to do work. limit distractions. just a lil detail

so now, asd:

in all honesty, most of nicky’s actual problems in the narrative could be viewed as stemming from asd symptoms. his number one issue being that he has a lot of trouble with nonverbal cues (and tbh, verbal ones too). the twins are mostly quiet. andrew especially (when he’s sober) communicates primarily nonverbally, and nicky seems to have a lot of trouble with this. despite knowing them for the longest on the team, nicky honestly seems to have the least insight into the way either of the twins actually thinks or processes things. he loves them, and he’s very forgiving of them, but he fundamentally doesn’t understand them. 

the twins, andrew especially, put up a LOT of nonverbal boundaries, and nicky sort of inadvertently keeps trampling all over them. he’s touchy in a way they don’t like. he talks a lot about their personal lives to other people. he treats them like they’re joking when they’re serious. etc. and like,,, you kind of get the sense that the upperclassmen feel similarly about him. beyond the homophobia, beyond the fact that he’s loyal to andrew, the upperclassmen still treat him with this sense of,, bafflement, i suppose? it’s clear that they don’t really understand him and he doesn’t really understand them. although, nicky IS curious about the upperclassmen, while the upperclassmen are pretty dismissive of him. it reminds me of when my sweet, floppy dog tries to play with my cat. their body language is different; they’re each receiving different signals than they believe they’re sending out

only,, nicky loves people!! he likes being around them, he likes talking to them. he’s interested in their lives and stories, but it’s very clear that he can’t read between the lines on people. he has an incredibly hard time with people who expect their actions to speak for them, which is most people, but is especially his cousins.

actually this is very much also an issue that i have: things need to be spelled out for me. the way i deal with it is i ask a lot of questions. ‘how do you want me to react to this potential situation?’ ‘what are specific things that make you most comfortable?’ ‘please explain to me exactly how you feel and what has prompted those feelings?’ and i’m always communicating vice versa like that with other people. a lot of specifics in both questions and answers

and the interesting thing is, when i was skimming through the books reviewing dialogue styles for another ask, i noticed that, actually, nicky DOES do this. with neil and the upperclassmen, nicky asks a LOT of quick, clarifying questions. things that ask after tone, that ask after intent. it’s kinda sad that he does this for communicating with acquaintances, but with the twins, the people he’s closest to, he makes a lot more assumptions. and i’m really proud of nicky for having this coping skill, because i can’t imagine it’s something he grew up doing. there’s no way he was raised in an environment that fostered this kind of open communication so it must have been something he learned about much later, probably in germany with the kloses, which would also explain why he’s a lil imperfect about it

---

now last but not least, aaron

this is another one i had to think through for a long time before it felt like it fit

much like how i felt that it would be easy to read nicky as simply adhd rather than also asd, i think it would be easy to say aaron is autistic simply because he is quieter, less rambunctious. however, i actually think he’s adhd, likely primarily inattentive type

in all honesty, aaron’s #1 character trait for the first two books is basically that he’s disconnected. detached. separated both from his family and his team. not in the same forcefully apathetic way that andrew is, more,, spaced out. he’s just kind,, there. not really paying attention to what’s going on, tuning in every once in a while only if something really catches his eye/ear then tuning right back out again. just sits in his corner and plays on his phone. and the thing is, from the moments when he does tune in, you can tell that he actually does care. he backs nicky when seth insults him in tfc, and we know he cares deeply about andrew even if he’s become disillusioned with their fraught relationship. he even hangs with his family, doesn’t seem to really try and slip away to other friends besides katelyn, he’s fine spending his leisure time with the monsters. so it’s not totally apathy, he’s just,,, tuned out most of the time

and, yea, that sounds like adhd. it’s not the type that most people are familiar with, and for a lot of people this causes it to slip under the radar. it can make it hard to get help or a dx because it doesn’t fit with how adhd “should” look or how someone “should” act, but difficulty focusing your thoughts and staying in tune with the current moment is absolutely part of adhd

addiction is also a huge problem for people with adhd. a lot of stimulants affect people with adhd very differently than neurotypicals, especially in small doses, and an adhd kid who’s struggled their whole lives with the disorder might try speed or god-forbid meth or fuck even coffee and suddenly find that things are a lot easier for them. they start to self-medicate, they don’t actually know what they’re doing, and then they’re addicted, and everything spirals out of control. we don’t know too many details about aaron’s addiction other than that his mother enabled him, but wouldn’t this fit? it’s also an explanation for aaron still taking drugs at eden’s, given that cracker dust seems to be a mild amphetamine. (aaron talk to betsy about the neurocog and get an actual prescription please)

(total throw away but aaron plays videogames and videogames are like,, adhd culture)

[gncmaya]

yo dude. yknow trans ppl think u can be any gender u want with any reason u want, right? like u can just be a woman bc it’s what feels best out of all the options, or bc u know most ppl will assume ur a woman based on how u look & just want to go along w that. u dont have to b a radfem to think that

yo. yknow there's more to being a radfem than just not agreeing with trans ppl, right? I didn't go into that much detail bc I was mainly just venting, but you seemed to have missed the part of my post where I said I also agreed with the other aspects of radical feminism. @radicallyaligned's pinned post is a great introduction if you are unaware of them. I had been frustrated with many of the positions of liberal/mainstream feminism long before I started looking into radfem theory. I'm not a radfem because they're the only ones affirming my special gender feels the mean trans people don't like uwu, if that's what you think. I'm a radfem because it's a political ideology, of which being gender critical is only one facet, that I believe in.

But besides that, you still missed the point. I'm not a woman because "it's what feels best" or anything else; it's a neutral fact about my physical reality of being a member of the female sex. I don't have a gender. I don't believe in the concept. Telling me that I can be any gender I want is like telling me to pick which church I want to attend and completely ignoring the very crucial fact that I am an atheist.

I appreciate you coming to talk to me in what I assume is good faith instead of just insulting me, so I'll ask you this question, also in good faith: what does it mean to be a woman?

I have searched and searched for a definition other than "adult human female" that wasn't either circular or drenched in regressive, sexist stereotypes and have yet to find one. After all, how can I call myself a woman if I don't actually know what one is? Maybe you know what it means, I'd genuinely love to hear it. How would you explain what a woman is to, say, an alien completely unfamiliar with the concept of gender? How would you explain the difference between women and men and nonbinary people? Saying something like "a woman is anyone who identifies as a woman" makes the word meaningless as it fails to actually define the word. I hope I don't have to explain why definitions that rely on sexist stereotypes (eg "women are nurturing and empathetic/men are confident and leaders" or "women are aligned with femininity/men are aligned with masculinity") won't work and shouldn't be used.

This leaves identifying as a woman because it's personally what makes that person comfortable/feels right somehow. Except the problem with this definition is that there's no analysis of why someone "feels" like one word or another. It completely ignores the fact that, unlike that alien I previously asked you to explain gender to, human beings do have background knowledge on gender and identity and gender roles and sexism etc. They have a lot of it, most of it is subconscious, and they have been learning it since birth. This focus on the individual doing what feels best for them with no class or societal analysis creates huge problems and is an issue that exists throughout liberal feminism (eg makeup/shaving/the beauty industry in general not being criticized because it makes some women feel good so what's the harm?). Which means that without any concrete or consistent definition of words like "woman" and "man," sexist stereotypes, unconscious biases, and internalized misogyny are the only things people have to determine their feelings about these words, whether they realize it or not.

So I ask again: what does it mean to be a woman? How can anyone truly determine if they "feel like a woman" if no one can actually say what a woman is?

[cosmosrival]

there it is! kama interlude analysis by a kama fan!

WELL. LIKE IT SAYS IN THE TITLE: this is just my own thoughts!! youre free to think whatever u want !! i am just putting my own knowledge into words because i genuinely love kama, and i would like for kama’s depth to be understood by the NA fandom a little more!! i try to stay as close as possible to their character in everything i do because i believe that the more in character they are, the funnier/more interesting content ppl will produce. 

and hopefully i understood them well ???!!!! HOPEFULLY ?!

i will be screenshotting the translated reddit post under this read more and stop whenever something i find interesting to develop pops up ! or else it’ll get way too long lol if you wanna read the interlude for yourself heres the link!

with that said, let’s go!!

kama’s interlude begins with guda passing the hell out because of exhaustion and then waking up in a dream sequence where kama treats them to some relaxing adventures, stuff to take their mind off heavy things!! first dream sequence is kama roleplaying a highschool setting where they’re dating.

i like this because they openly admit that its an illusion, breaking the immersion but as long as youre okay with roleplaying, they’ll continue it LOL  at some point, caesar mentions the student council president and arjuna appears behind him 

since this is an illusion that kama made, i’ve been wondering about the fact that the way servants conduct eachother in this interlude is mostly because that’s how kama envisions they would act in a highschool setting, in an amusement park and finally with eachother (mostly for confirmed couples such as siegbryn, consort yu and her hubby etc...). suzuka and sei being gyarus is obvious, but arjuna as the student council president... is so cute???!!! i MEAN IT FITS ?! THATS A GREAT IDEA KAMA!!!! ANYWAY

this is kama’s first monologue and since they’re primarily the god of lust, all of the more vanilla stuff they mentions such as sharing a pair of headphones embarrasses them since its so tame. ITS CUTE !!! kama expects you to be horny in class !! what are you doing thinking about hand holding !!! medusa saves u from that tho with a direct reference to her relationship with kama’s vessel 

this is interesting !! and reassuring !!! i think that kama as a character has a lot of depth and just reducing them to “sakura” would be a waste and this interlude shows how different they are from her. but they’re also similar! sakura went through a lot just like medusa says and kama does have trauma related to shiva. its not the same circumstances but the same kind of suffering which explains the nuance here. and what i like about chaldea is that there’s been multiple instances where its been proven that servants can grow thanks to their relationships with guda (most common example: leveling up your bonds) BUT ALSO, saint graph evolution (alts). and as a kama fan i’d like to see them happy someday and this interlude as a whole is proof of their healing/coping because of the time they spent in chaldea and how they interact with others. more on that later ! here, they don’t recognize medusa which is normal since they’re not sakura (someone else entierly), but...

they care about her ! because of sakura’s influence being a part of the servant called Kama(assassin). the difference here is important !! but i’ll come back on this in a bit. quick mention to the greek cupid <3 kamadusa nation we were fed (i clap by myself because im the only one who has 57575757557 kama rarepairs-----)

kama is a delinquent whos horny in class but still takes a few notes, enough to do well on their tests! and thats tea<3 smart horny lazyass !! theyre a gift

SO ARJUNA WAS OUT FOR BLOOD ????? ANYWAY, this is right after the actual fight against weirdo terrorists, and im happy to know that kama DOES enjoy a good fight (as proven in their voicelines as well) but theyre not a farming unit because it’d be too much work (single target NP..)...!!!!!!! lavish god of love.... 

FINALLYYYYYYYYYYY THE REAL DEAL !!!!!!!!!!!! “it feels wonderful to be your girlfriend” christ, kamadeva was so used to being a husband and a good lover, it reflected in their servant version.... but ree what do u mean by servant version???

I MEAN THE OBVIOUS !! kama explains it very well in the screenie just above ! 

“You know very well how servants work.”

KAMA ASSASSIN (the servant in your chaldea) is neither KAMADEVA or SAKURA MATOU or MARA. they’re a MIX OF PARTS OF THE THREE. creating an entierly new person(in this case, servant) !!!! it might sound like i’m repeating myself, but this is important!!!!!!!!! i will say this multiple times so people remember it !!! and if u already had this figured out: GOOD JOB I LOVE U !!!

Kamadeva (the god) has many stories, ones where he was born from concepts (dharma and shraddha), one where his parents are brahma and sarasvati, one where his parents are vishnu and lakshmi, stories about his reincarnation after his death where his parents are krishna and rukmini, his love with Rati and so on. We all know Sakura’s backstory since this is nasuverse. And Mara is a demon, an entity that tried to corrupt Buddha and prevent him from reaching enlightenment/stray from the path. Kama assassin has parts from all of these entities which explains why they have a vague longing for Rati, why they have a soft spot for Medusa and why they have an affinity with Kiara(and also like talking about corrupting u !). 

they then mention how a japanese highschool setting is fun and all i have to say is: i’m gonna make an indo fam delinquent vs student council au out of this one folks !!!!!!!! i gotta !!! 

OK next

TIME FOR THE SECOND DREAM SEQUENCE WHICH I WAS VERY VERY VERRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYY AFRAID OF BEFORE THE TRANSLATION CAME OUT.

THE PART WHERE KAMA ACTS LIKE YOUR CHILD.

well with their stage 1 it was expected but without the translation i have to say that i was scared shitless! because people hate thinking! and even if kama clearly tells you that it’s a charade, u know a JOKE. A DREAM SEQUENCE. DONT BE A CREEP. KAMA INTENDED FOR IT TO BE WHOLESOME. i know some ppl wont use their brains. but u know its fgo and degenerates are everywhere. 

anyways. family bonding time ensues until another monologue appears!!

exactly like before, kama mentions myths that belonged to kamadeva. Meaning that the Kama in our chaldea isn’t the Kamadeva we know and is not Pradyumna either but the fact that the writers chose to have kama acknowledge it is very reassuring !!! Because it means that they’ve chosen to make it a part of their (complicated) history. Kama says that Pradyumna is the myth about themself they know the least, once again proving us that the Kama in our Chaldea (Assassin) is a different entity and that they were summoned to the throne upon their death, the moment they were burned by Shiva’s flames and became Ananga, in any case they’re still familiar with all of their own myths. it allows us to keep heroic spirits separate from their original myths. Obviously! And in the case of pseudo-servants, it allows us to keep them separate from their vessels. Cuz this is a fanservice japanese game. Andddd the fandom likes forgetting this fact quite a lot i’ve noticed. As a person who loves thinking about tons and tons of headcanons for fun, this allows us a lot of space ! Because this is fate/grand order at its base. Nasuverse. 

I’m glad that the interlude explains it so clearly, it’s very good !! Because the majority of myths from every culture are confusing, family trees are confusing, names are confusing, powers and attributes are confusing... its a mess !!!! the fgo characters we know are just cut from their own respective timelines/historial figures so the writers can organize themselves more easily. Like cutting halves from a big cake. Kama (Assassin) is the Kama that died from Shiva’s flames and became the universe ONLY. In Nasuverse, Arthur Pendragon is a woman. Anastasia Romanov NEVER had a demon familiar named Viy in real life despite the creature being part of russian folklore. u know ! im russian i can testify dude !! 

hopefully everyone got this bc i wont be explaining this any further dude, its exhausting !!!!!! bangs my hands on the table !!!!! 

ANYWAYS kama mentions “eternal pain that turns [them] into ash” being their key element. Their trauma is at the center of their heroic spirit self, what they are as a servant. This suffering is tied to everything they do, why they’re so lazy, why they’re so lax, why they’re so detached from their job.  But they’re not detached from their role. And “job” and “role” have different connotations here. They refuse to work as a cupid because of obvious reasons. BUT. They’re not detached from their role as the God of Love, as the God of Passion. The embodiment of those feelings. This whole interlude is proof ! They’re giving u free therapy because they Love you. Passion. They feel your love. Passion. They acknowledge how much fun you’re having. How passionate you are about certain things. They might seem extremely detached and hateful, but they aren’t. They’re one of the most empathetic servants there is. And their ability to love everything, even the things they hate is what makes them so miserable. Because it’s a part of them. Because the concept of Kama in hinduism is linked to them. Be it lust or simply the passion born from anything you do where you’re enjoying yourself. (quote:  “ the term also refers to any sensory enjoyment, emotional attraction and aesthetic pleasure such as from arts, dance, music, painting, sculpture and nature “. R. Prasad (2008), History of Science, Philosophy and Culture in Indian Civilization )

... I’d like to say that this contrast with Mara is interesting. And that i’m glad the writers chose to add in Mara to the kama assassin Beast mix. 

Because the anger Mara feels can become a drivepoint for Kama. I’ve always believed that anger and sadness are two sides of the same coin, it’d explain how layered Kama is and how valid their emotions are. Constantly torn between love and hate. An eternal grudge (i don’t deserve to be hurt like this) and an eternal misery(maybe i do deserve to be hurt like this). 

i wish they were my roommate <3 oh fuck ree got emotional wait where were we.

OH YEAH

i think kama saying that they dislike being involved with other indian servants because theyre linked to shiva is a feeble attempt at trying to keep up a strong front because they still love them in the end. cuz that’s how kama is ! after a while they’ll get bored of bullying ganesha and ashwatthama. they’ll get interested in rama because their respective mythos are linked even if their servant selves have no connection. hell, at the end of the interlude they talk about parvati and how they themself changed and realized things. BUT OH WELL, THATS STUFF FOR ANOTHER POST HEHE thats just ree wanting kama to b happy yall move along !!

.....THIS ISNT A COLLEGE STUDENTS ROLEPLAY BUT ITS A CUTE JAPANESE COMPANY BOSS/UNDERLING SETTING AND ITS CUTE SO I THINK KAMA WEARING A PENCIL SKIRT AND POURING U ALCOHOL IS CUTE. CUTE.

further proof of kama’s overflowing affection and what i detailed above!! hopefully u all knew this one simply from reading this interlude/their profile page and dont need me to write it down for u. HOPEFULLY !!!!!

(I START BEATBOXING VERY RAPIDLY AND RUNNING TOWARDS YOU) KAMA IS A SADIST AT THEIR CORE AND I WILL NEVER STOP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they’re easy to fluster because theyre not used to being so vanilla, but whats underneath is how they truly are !! a beast turned servant, the sweetest sadist !! theyre very mature and this interlude is so well written (wipes my teears

this is directly linked to what i explained above, by burning you away, you’ll melt into nothingness just like they did. When they were the universe, they felt both everything and nothing. 

But was it really relief ... ?

... IT WASNT.

AND PARVATI SAVES THE DAY !!!!!!! phew!! thank u paru, it’d still like to be able to touch kama’s huge titties and i cant do that if i turn into ashes (falls down the stairs

ok she summoned lovey dovey canon couples to annoy kama since they’re exhausted of seein them!!

...............(I TAKE OUT A KNIFE) TAKE THAT BACK. DONT TALK TO THEM LIKE THAT. TAKE THAT BACK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

ohhhhhh im obsessed i love when theyre angry<3 i love when theyre fighty <3 i think they should beat the living shit out of a boxing bag DAILY to let out some of this steam. they’d be a monster on the ring... aaa kama in training boot y shorts aa a .. .uughg hg ouu... (you all shove me into a locker)

ok this is interesting !! i think that the interlude showing us that parvati feels a semblance of guilt is character dev. proof for what i mentioned before!! in ookuu parvati felt quite ..unsympathetic to me, even if kama is a beast who wants to annihilate humanity, when u think about it, at their core their grudge is because of her and shiva’s betrayal. and here, she properly apologizes for making kama so upset. this is heartwarming to me since i dislike thinking that members of the indo fam hate eachother :( same goes for arjuna and karna, at some point i’d like for them to act like bros normally and finally be comfy. but anyways !!

u wake up from the dreams and da vinci, mashu and paru are here to tell u whats going on. But its fine bc u remember everything and u have to go thank someone for helping u out!!!

CUTE !!!!!!! THEY CARE ABOUT U !!!!!! but whether it be because of their role or because theres a deeper meaning is entierly up to your own interpretation because...

of what they say here. 

and here !! 

ohhhhhhhhh this is so important !!!!!!

this is actual proof of kama’s growth as a servant and how servants evolve in chaldea !! chaldea is not the same as a grail war, its a special, cut-off place and thats what makes it even more relaxing to think about. Everytime u summon a servant in ur chaldea u give them a chance to have fun with you, to have fun with other servants, to make amends, to start from scratch, to discover things they would’ve never known in their time (movies, video games, tons of different foods etc...), u give them a chance to relax. to grow !! this is the headcanon that im most attached to and im glad to see it be confirmed in the interlude of a character i love tbqh i had to stop and talk about that.

everyone say thank u kama !! can we roleplay a college roommate coffee shop slowburn au next time <3 

ANYWAYS if you’ve read it this far: thank you !!! im sorry if you expected something very serious, im not that type of person hehe im jus here to have fun and look at things i like, and the interlude itself was quite lighthearted and refreshing. By talking about the myths and all of kamadeva’s stories, the writers basically gave lore nerds a huge thumbs up like... “its ok now !! u can go ape now !! go be insane<3 love u<3″ and all of this kama characterization GENUINELY makes me so happy because i think they really needed that. kama assassin... (i blow a kiss to the sky) is a little mess of a servant... a god, human crumbs and a demon... a total mess... im in love with them...

..............tho now the wait for a summer alt where they interact with the entire indo fam begins (im sitting in a chair unmoving)(i have a gun in case minase begins acting gross

[sarinataylor]

Reverse blind date Joger where someone deliberately stands Roger up to teach him a lesson because he is such a player and John watching from the bar realises he is upset

oooooh ok. ok. ok

so roger is like. he’s got a rep around campus? it’s not necessarily a bad one per say, but. he’s pretty and he’s confident and yeah, he dates a lot. bc roger is a secret romantic tbh ok

not like freddie’s a romantic though. like freddie wants to fall in love and then never ever ever break up with the person he falls in love with because he wants to buy a house and forty cats with them. like freddie genuinely believes he’s incomplete without someone to love and be loved by in return which roger thinks is Super Unhealthy

so roger’s not romantic like that. roger just…. enjoys the excitement of  first date? getting to know someone, letting them get to know you, enjoying those first flushes of could-be-love. roger even somewhat likes when things start to fall apart bc there’s beauty in that too. there’s something beautiful in being able to recognise that you’re not right for another.

so he dates a lot. which, again, isn’t a bad thing. he doesn’t date for the sake of dating? he just. if there’s someone he finds interesting or attractive or funny? he’ll ask them out. 

(this is how he met brian who awkwardly agreed and then blurted out half way through dinner that he was straight, he just didn’t know how to say no. they stay for the whole meal and end up somehow being like… best friends by the end of it.)

(a lot of roger’s friends are people he’s dated in the past, actually)

but yanno for every sort of ex that you’re on good terms with there’s gonna be someone you’re. decidedly not. and ok, rog will be the first? (maybe second actually, freddie will generally be the first) to admit that he’s sometimes not the most….. tactful at breaking off some of the more casual dating he does

like he doesnt ghost on actual relationships but there’s…. there’s definitely some ghosting that’s gone down in the past. some very early cases where he wasnt very clear on the non-exclusive nature of the dating??? 

he was young(er) and stupid okay he has like. a comprehensive set of rules now (a. establish that dates are not exclusive unless explicitly discussed, as all major relationship developments should be. b. no fucking the people you date unless you’re interested in an Actual Relationship bc it blurs lines!!!!! it confuses ppl!!!!!! c. if someone has a rep as a clinger listen to that reputation instead of their insightful analysis in class. the reputation precedes interesting dinner conversation. every. time.)

(brian is like???? have u heard YOUR reputation???? and roger is like well yeah but. no one calls me clingy, do they? which brian has to concede that, no, they decidedly do not.)

BUT the important thing to note here is that roger dates a lot of people because he genuinely enjoys dating people, he enjoys getting to know people. he asks out people who he finds interesting for some reason or another. he’s not offended when people say no, like. that’s fine. 

but yeah. he gets stood up. 

which? it’s like. the first time it’s ever happened. and it’s embarrassing. like, if they weren’t interested he would have preferred they just said. but it’s fine? like. he’ll just. eat on his own. that’s fine, he’s not too bothered though he does wish that they’d like. messaged him to let him know they were standing him up so he could have ordered earlier instead of waiting half an hour

but then they Do message him. a catty message along the lines of “now you know how it feels to be let down. maybe you’ll think before you do it to someone else again” and That upsets him because… he’s never stood anyone up???? would never intentionally leave someone waiting????? and he’s Grown Up since his first year of uni where he ghosted people like. he’s really upfront nowadays but he just sort of. starts spiralling a little bit sat at the table gulping down red wine like???? fuck???????

a fun mix of anger that this was clearly something this person PLANNED and also anxiety that maybe he’s been doing this to people this whole time and he just never noticed???? he’s an Awful Person and he just. didn’t know. 

(which like. the sheer amount of his ex-dates, ex-fucks, and straight up exes that are still friends with him sort of implies that this is not the case? one of his exes is getting married in six months and he’s one of the groomsmen somehow like.)

and JOHN is sitting at the bar. like he’s waiting for his roommate to finish her shift so they can head home together but her shift’s been extended so he’s just. hanging out. eating complimentary bar nuts and being slipped sneaky beers by the on floor manager. and he’d noticed roger walk in, roger had ta’d one of his classes a year or so back and he knows his rep, and he’d sort of been looking forward to watching The Master At Work

like. he was gonna take notes so that he and ronnie (roommate, obvs) could laugh about it when they got home

(roger totally asked ronnie out once. she didn’t even answer, just walked away. she was annoyed at how charming the sound of him laughing as she did so was. she sort of hates him that “he’s never done anything to me and everyone i know who knows him says he’s a nice bloke BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT” kind of way)

but uh. yeah. he’s been stood up. 

and john’s like….. damn. like, he wouldn’t even stand roger taylor up. he’s always been kind of glad that roger’s never asked him out, and never will bc…. he’s p boring and not like ronnie or brian or anyone else roger’s dated, bc he knows he’d say yes and then ronnie would never let him live it down. not ever. 

and like he seems to be rolling with it? he orders himself a bottle of wine and an appetiser which has john like Damn the man be RICH

(the man be decidedly NOT rich and is definitely not going to be able to pay for the bus for the next week now he’s spending his “extra” money on bottles of wine rather than the glass or two he had planned to buy. but whatever, he can walk it. not to mention splurging on the bread platter instead of the bruschetta. he’s been stood up, okay??? if there was ever a time to eat All Of The Carbs and wash it down with two bottles of wine, this would be it)

and then after like one glass? of wine? he just seems to sort of curl in on himself???? and he seems genuinely upset???? like he’s tapping sort of frantically on his phone and he didnt even say thank you to the waiter who brought over his Bread Palooza and john doesnt know him well but. he never seemed the kind of guy who wouldnt thank wait staff okay?????

and before he can even stop himself he’s trailing over there, bar nuts in hand, and awkwardly standing next to the table silently. 

and roger is like distractedly not even looking up from stuffing bread into his mouth and texting freddie who isn’t responding which means, he guesses, that he didn’t get stood up on his date tonight. bully for him. so roger’s like yeah thanks mate not ready to order my main yet. 

and john’s like…. uh. ok. and just thrusts the bar nuts he’s had in his hand for like. ten minutes under his nose like you look sad, do you want a nut?

and roger looks up and just sort of blinks at him for a long moment before bursting out laughing like yes yes i would like a nut, thanks, john

which has john flustered bc a) he’s a MORON oh my god “do you want a nut”??????? what is he????? he wants to DIE and also b) roger. remembers his name?????????

so john stammers out an apology, explains he’s waiting for ronnie (”ronnie…. oh, uh, you probably don’t remember who she is, she’s-” – “your roommate, right? i forgot she was a waitress here, actually. how is she?” – “….. she’s good. sorry, how do you know she’s my roommate?”)

which leads to roger inviting him to sit down as a family of four tries to move past him, but can’t because he’s making a bottleneck in the aisle

so john. sits. bar nuts still in hand. 

(knees weak, hands sweaty, restaurant’s bar nuts. would the real slim shady please stand up?)

and roger’s just hella casual like “yeah just got stood up bc im an awful person, how u been”

and john’s like uh technically i asked for none of that information 

and the waiter comes and interrupts as roger sort of just blinks at him bc john is Not The Best at unplanned social interaction. like john approached him??? but ok. and the waiter is like um? hi john? given up on waiting for ronnie to finish?

as roger slam dunks his last glass of wine 

and john is sort of like ohw ell. this guy used to be my ta and he looked sad because he’s been stood u- oh my god, im so sorry

and roger is just. you know what? this has been fun. i’ve really enjoyed the multiple levels of abject humiliation that i have endured tonight but i think i’m going to cut it short and just chucks  thirty quid on the table like thanks (to the waiter) and good luck with the, uh, engineering? degree, i think? (to john)

who is bewildered bc how the fuck does he remember what degree im doing from the round of fucking ice breakers we did in the first tutorial of a class i took LAST YEAR 

(roger’s party trick is remembering like. everything about ppl. you know in that way that really popular people have where somehow they can remember that your second cousin twice removed got married three years back, despite not seeing you since a month before the wedding, and they’re asking how it was using the NAMES of the bride and groom (who. they’ve never met) and you’re like??????? i fuckin forgot the grooms name what the FUCK. i hate these people with a passion. nice people? the worst. john feels much the same as i do)

and before he can even say anything roger has just…. slunk off into the night. leaving him with the waiter who is quite happy about the ten pound tip, and a hand full of bar nuts. 

anyway roger goes home to cry at brian who is like. ur not a bad person, people just….. come to conclusions about ur behaviour based on the exaggerated experiences of others. but u also WERE sort of a dick when u were 18, but so is…. like every 18 year old so i honestly just wouldn’t torture myself ab it so neither should u

(a boldfaced LIE. this conversation leads brian to spend the entire night staring at his ceiling and reliving that one time he forgot to say thanks to the bus driver when he was 16. the bus driver hates him, he knows. also he used to have super unacknowledged misogynistic and racist unconscious biases that had been pounded into him by society and he’s still trying to rectify that and????? oh GOD)

 and the next day, after he’s been convinced that he’s not the scum of the earth by brian, he rocks up outside of john’s class (which he abuses his access to the university database for the first and last time to find – he also tells john he did this immediately bc he’s like SO I PROBABLY CROSSED A BOUNDARY BUT IT WAS THIS OR STALK RONNIE AT WORK UNTIL SHE GAVE IN AND I THINK THAT WOMAN HATES ME i see her glaring all the time and idk why) and totally asks him out because…. well, he was interesting, wasn’t he?

[misterbitches]

Im not intelligent at all. In the conventional sense. The ramblings of a girl who just has sooo much going in in her head it's constant. But im not a genius. Or that confusing.

It just sounds like I am bc fandoms have this issue where they can JUSTSO point out the issues in soletiing. They can pick and prod and go oh problematic! But then you go to name the problems and the difficulties within society like for ex: the idea of representation in general. Salivating over it. How fucking sad that is. How we are trained to accept it. So in a BL and also RACE in the bl genre they exploit viewers naivete both domestically and internationally. Ive seen tons of people liken being asian to being a person of color. However, in their predominantly homogenous society (or intentionally publically homogenous society), they are not "poc" (also name the of color; i dont use bipoc idc if u do but it's called being asian guys cos yall aint talkin about black ppl lmao)

They as humans seeing other humans who look like them everywhere, engage with the world differently than an american in asia or asians living outside of their home country (like bae doo nanwhen she worksnin the US is not the same as the bae doo nanworking on a korean program) I dont complain about it in everything i see bc ppl say it ALL THE TIME. but it is NOT the same. Being a person of color is very distinctly an american concept. This is all stuff people will get to know on their own if they choose to dig more.

I do my best to underline what my ugly little eyes process. How i figure things out as a black female american artist too! Im hard on shit cos i should be. I take it seriously. And even if i dont take it seriously bc THEY dont then thats their problem.

I know this is a complaint that I am not alone in. I know it's the internet. I just don't get how people can write really heavy analysis but they refuse to actually probe the underlying issues. Not everyone is me, or like my friends, but if there's way fewer people talking about this stuff it seems absolutely glaring when theres few people engaging in the way i do. It seems like im the glitch but I am thinking just as much just differently.

I really loved where your eyes linger but there was little deep class analysis. I remember few convos a bout it. I know a lot about korea (sigh being a black ex kpop fan lol mess) and i love the history but all ofnit matters! Korea's relation to labor!

People bringing up thai actors snd actresses leaving the industry and doing acting as something quick. As an artist~ who went to film school with insanely wealthy ppl and isnin tons of debt you have to understand how shitty that is. People have monetary access and they just fucking do whatever just because they want to. Meanwhile you have young people being coerced into this bullshit mainstream life to LITERALY just make money bc they dont come from a rich background. The wealth gap in thailand is BAD, theres a dictatorship, they had a fucking coup. The governments like here do not respect their people. Their marginalized groups. Trans thai women, black thai ppl, poor thai ppl. And it LITERALLY CANNOT DO ANYTHING EFFECTIVELY IN CAPITALISM. No nothing can be perfect but if it's going into our eyeballs and we can view the worlld critically then why the fuck not!???

I dont say the things i see are wrong always. I reply when i think i need to. I try and engage with others but not to kuch avail. I just want to rb stuff and tdhink lajfhhdjwhjej.

But like yea theres a lot of just wrong or misguided stuff. A lot of the times it is just historical inaccuracy in framing or idk. A refusal to think outside the box. I dont care. Theres more to life than just sort of looking and not thinking especially for othrr artists.

Idk im sorry. I dont see how i can change how i view things. I really wish people would expand their palettes too and go deeper into other means of art from places! Things not in the mainstream! Theres a lot of good thai artists and a lot of them critical as fuck about their country as they should be. Authority, austerity, patriarchy, capital, racism etc like that is central to a power thats interested in growing gains and fiscal and social power. Theres rly radical or left leaning etc ppl out there in the world and these countries in these communities. So they exist. No people in these countries dont have NO clue whats going on. Cultural relativism is alsos something people should understand. I had a good talk with ppl on here a while ago about that. Talking about shit, critiquing, but being respectful to a group. Part of thay is realizing these groups CLEARLY know their own issues and all our cultures share the same goal. Guess what it is. It rhymes with acquiring wealth. Money means you hurt people. In the post, we talked about use of "wife" and "husband" which is a stupid joke that has been "explained" a billion times and yet the explanations still dont seem to answer or justify a minor problem (it's very funny to me that a language that doesnt have gendered pronouns is now very specific about two men. Hmmm wonder why. It is annoying.)

So im not the only person on the planet doing this. Or the few ppl ive seen that do. Im not new my thoughts arent new. Ive gotten to see another side to a culture i knew not much about and that means i can put the context of my beliefs and life and try and understand thheirs. For ex i learned from ITSAY because of a sign that said 'french food' that they were the only country to not be colonized back then. Do you know how integral that history is to their region? That was an interesting detail (i didnt finish itsay bc ihad a lot going on and i was rly upset that i would see hownrich they are and i hate that.)

Anyways thats my complaint. It used to feel like a sting of rejection. I left online for months in 2019, i started organizing more, joined a union, trying to do some panther work shit like that. I learned a lot in those months and it changed my life! But when I came back, I felt so isolated. It wasnt my true friends tho sometimes theyre ANNOYINGGGGG (love u) but it was me being like "if we are going to complain guys then lets put our money where our mouth is" lets be fucking serious about it then. No say it with your chest dude. It isnt difficult. Go with the fucking flow, talk about it, critique it, think. You can still fucking like itnor love it.

I am BLACK ok and i love rap. I am a black woman. I will continue to clown black men that cant seem to not clown themselves and listen. No i wont support monetarily: drake is a creep and i hate him but i bump that niggas song. Thats fucking LIFE. I got so sick of hiding myself and it became clear that it wasnt that i wasntthinking well or hard enough. They just didnt like that i said we need to commit class suicide and inspect out middle class sensibilities and middle class wealth hoarding (google it) if thats what we engaged with. Every part of you, antagonize it. I still have my privileges; class, skin color, even my father being a nigerian immigrant, me being cis, im not str8 but not a lesbian and those are differences.

Insecurities in general but some shallow thoughts (?) on discussion in "fandom" space. FYI, this will most likely stay the same. I tend to stay in my own bubble socially IE me and my friends are similar in our views. During this awful year while running my union's account, im surrounded by like minds. Me and my friends? We changed together. We grew up and saw what we didnt like and what we want. We do our best.And i CHOOSE my life to be that way bc it should be. There is no solution. I dont believe in solutions because the solution is to abolish capital or just divest. Abolishing capital and labor are a huge one and i will die before that happens (but so help me as long as im alive? Black women to FREEDOMMMM is my motto!) so making your own path in life is the best thing an artist can do IN MY OPINION.

However with technology and stuff this puts another layer onto things. Tech, social media, this shit....it THRIIIIIIIVESSSSSSS off of conflict and shallow readings of the world. We are literally primed for it. Engagement in bites. Impossible for me with my brain; i got used to it and i paid for it by limiting my scope. Not being encouraged to THINK AND READ before just speaking

(For ex i am in iww, i helped form a branch here. It is a radical union. Unionism is imprative to me-if ur interested u should read up on some. Look up peter cole! Google inthesetimes Ilwu. Gives you some understanding. Ive always been progressive and now i am....very left idk ic ant label myself. But even in my progrssiveness i had the gall to tell my white friend, whoa has her privileges but i had mine with our class disparity, that we dont need unions, i have WORKED retail. Ive done barista work for sonoing and i do gig work. So i wasnt out of touch. I had been stiffed even with a shoot i was working on by rich kids. So i had a frame of reference . But i didnt know what the FUCKa union was and why it is imperative. Then learning about anarcho syndicalism and all these other things. It changed my fucking life but two years earlier i was this idiot spouting shit like that making one of my best friends fucking upset. We DO AND CAN CHANGE. Think!!!!)

So were i a creator for tv id just constantly try and push the buttons if i need big money. Make them sell into me (thank you sonic youth!) theres Endless possibilities guys which means theres SO MUCH TK EXPLORE!!!! When i wanna have fun with it i just have fun. When i want to think i do. I dont understand why we are so dedicated to upholding things and doing mental gymnastics to end up in a space you dont need mental gymnastics for. What about these critiques makes you uncomfortable? Saying we're all part of the problem as spectators? Im sorry but we will always be. Thats LIFE. God fuck. Fuck me. I feel so fucking worthless and stupid sometimes. I know I am not. I know i am talented and intelligent. I know my friends and family. I know how to approach ppl. I know how to tell people if they are rich but want to be progressive whatsup. I choose how i live part of that is being ok to say what i want.

Ironically consrrvatives say this shit alot. But they arent ever alone bc their ideology is default. But yea it does feel shitty. It even feels shitty when ur in left circles but people STILL dont even wanna do that. These perspectives really arent ss many as they should be. I dont want to feel so alone with it. I know there are more. I just love art and the world so fucking much, endless possibility. Endless pain but endless good.

[a-memoir-of-me-blog]

imma not even proof read this....but this is a convo again, before i even met my true love

Texts to x:

idk what i was talking about....i think US and education and free education

*sent a pic from usnews.com*

“Wiener Professor of Social Policy at Harvard Kennedy School, believes that the last 30 years of rising American inequality can be attributed to three key factors:

The US government does ‘considerably less’ than comparable democracies to even out disposable family incomes, Jencks says. And current state and local tax policies ‘actually increase income inequality’ (in america, yeah, because people in low income areas dont use this to their advantage--future writings will make this make more sense. This is from december 2016 or january 2017...dont remember).

‘All the costs and risks of capitalism seem to be shifted largely to those who work rather than those who invest’, he said

Compounding the economic imbalance is the unlikely prospect that those at the bottom can ever improve their lot.”

Me: shouldnt that mean that not only should we work. But invest [in things that can help us develop--ex: infrastructure companies, and all things that benefit to the public--instead of the government being a monopoly, we (markets, the people) will put in our money to companies we like that we believe will be the best for us, and just let us give money to all these companies, that will work together since theyre all gonna do the same thing and we all just want the same thing, and they can just collaborate and make the best that they can. And then we didnt have to pay taxes and not know where it is going. In a sense, investing in companies is like paying taxes, but more transparent and more control of where your money goes--which is to support a company to do x,y,z to help benefit your community and/or country]? But like….thats not taught in school because they want to keep the power limited to only a few and not the masses (the markets, the people who all gather and pool their money in all of these companies that will then go to work together and make the best thing they can make) lol. Oh america…

*pic from same thing*

“Hendren, along with Harvard economists Katz and Raj Chetty, now at Stanford Uni, looked at the lasting effects of moving children to better neighborhoods as part of Moving to Opportunity, a short-lived federal housing program from the ‘90s. Their analysis, published in May, found that the longer children are exposed to better environments, the better they do economically in the future. Whichever city or state children grow up in also radically affects whether they will move out of poverty, he said”

Me:Power of association!! And media flaunts the “low-income” area lifestyle...and they keep the cycle going! Gotta learn the system (the cycle). Exploit it. Give back to education and other welfare shit [but only let them pay if they 1. Waste our help 2. Are greedy 3. Keep fucking up more than enough times that we can afford--which i assume is where an actuary would come in--keep reading because i mention more to this with prison, media, college tuition]. BUT. I think the the biggest thing to give back is knowledge (of surroundings, their influence, give them power to empower them, let them be them and not what media makes them want to be, not what their surroundings want them to be) and the confidence and the belief that we all can come together and learn of ourselves, our difference (and explain to one another why--but it always goes down to that we are human and just want to survive) and to learn to get the power from within us already, and use that and use things we learn and use them for good. Use this and that part of what the world offers and tie them together and make it for the good of all. Knowledge of self, history, psychology, cycles is power. Power over our human. Our flaws and ego and pride.

Me: we think that public things arent ours (when they literally are--we share them--it was our taxes--so that the government can do this and make it available for us--but yeah, it has no explicit value--we paid with taxes--we will think it is not worth it and not good--but thats where people who do value this PUT THEIR OWN VALUE IN IT. then they abuse it and fuck it up for everyone and as a result….we wasted….as a result, we inflate. As a result, we fucked ourselves over. We as people in a democracy rely on one another...so stop stealing. Stop wasting. And with this mindset, then we know we are obligated to have it and it is evenly given to us (because we gave it to ourselves!) and we help not just other people, but you help yourself.

Me: however the only issue i see is that middle class people who are really trying their hardest to survive out here are definitely the ones who deserve more. (Their market is getting smaller, but they are paying more (is it because it will then add more people to middle class? But those below us dont use it to their true full advantage to educate themselves and move up from their surroundings and change their lifestyle around). And thats where middle class working people will then have to cut down on keeping their minds and bodies healthy--they overwork with unhealthy food--that makes them lose money and unhealthy--and that makes them become poorer and poorer. We ALL can do something about this. And i think that for working class middle class people, they shouldnt get health insurance benefits--but rather things to AVOID getting it, because 1) they are still getting unhealthy because they are still in the system and 2) continues for them to keep paying into these things--and instead pay to innovations in food, and making sure the planet is okay, there isnt an imbalance in one thing that can tip something and cause a famine or extreme weather or a drought or have too many certain animals and how that can throw off the whole ECOSYSTEM.) their quality is getting worse and worse because they have to settle for less (government stuff--which we give to) and they are paying more and more (...so instead of doing that....instead of getting food from this and that with harmful things on them...instead of making yourself sick, give yourself life! Ensure yourself and your health and your life...or you can make your own company and run your own self sustaining home and life and have balance--and teach others, and give to them). We cant even buy good things for a good quality life. Housing. Goods. Etc. like. Food is the BEST remedy and preventor. Get healthy food and you keep your health. Its worth spending your money on that, instead of then having to spend it on things mentioned before. Same with education and spreading knowledge and ideas and giving it all back. Because it is a chain reaction. We are all interdependent. Be smart. Be empowered. Give yourself power. Get rid of the money. Dont be afraid to let go of that bc if you dont, you are afraid of your true life. Give live and power to yourself. Get health. Make sure you are healthy. Eat healthy. Live healthy. Feed your brain healthy things. If you have to, live in a shitty area for cheap, but your environment doenst define you. What you put into yourself (that true life) is what defines you. You can define yourself.

Me: and because they get taxed so much, ppl cant afford to go to school because they are just trying to make it alive (and they get stuck in there. And they go to drugs. They go to crime. They go to temporary satisfaction. They get a girl pregnant and they cycle continues and/or gets worse.

Him: yeah but knowledge costs money a majority of the time. Education costs thousands. GOOD education reaches the hundred thousands (my reply rn: UMMMM. Doesnt matter!! That is subjective!!! Life is always the same! But it depends on the PERSON! Do you find value in something because you put your efforts in it? Someone can have a SHITTY life, but they can either learn from it, or let it USE THEM and OVERPOWER them. They are giving their circumstances the power over them, when they can take that circumstance, learn from it, gather knowledge and ideas and MAKE IT BETTER FOR THEMSELVES!)

Him: i agree we should fund our own shit (my reply rn: yeah we should, but then whatever we get...USE THE BEST OF IT, even if it is small, because you are gaining experience and knowledge and you can take it all and add it all up to make it enough for you!)

Me: like people arent making enough. So they cant rely on the government alone. They need to learn the system (aka take what they were given. Use the lessons. Take it all apart. Rebuild it to make it better for yourself...afterall...the system is there because you let them….so make the most of it...spend more money on healthy food...spend more money on books. Spend more money on travel. Spend more on living! Everythingggg is interdependent)

Him: public water fountains, parks, etc...would be so much cooler and cleaner. How would you use the system? If you dont control the system? (ummm….i have control over myself...i dont let the hate, and greed, and all those 7 sins all around me corrupt me). If you wanted to control the system (which i dont at all. I want to liberate people from their fears that they feed into them and then provide a solution to get money off of them and repeat it….we can innovate without having the extremes happen...see one flaw and fix it! Before the whole thing collapses!) you need to be the one giving the government money and that requires hundreds of millions (unless we all stop living in the grid and in the system that they made for us and be more self reliant on life sustaining things and happiness….then we dont need money...at all lol). We could have it all if all our tax dollars didnt go to war (which is the extremes that happen….but we let things keep falling and getting worse…)

Me: so then they can 1) afford to live. Not just live and make it. But to have a healthy good quality life that they can actually enjoy 2) fund a better education for kids, aka, the future of our country and our world. (so we dont get stuck in the cycle) and we need NEW ideas. Because were stuck in a patriarchal and oligarchy society (which i will write about later on about how females were actually the ones who run the world--and we still do--but it is the man who is given too much power and wants more and more and then will attack their giver and keep all of the incoming ones down) ALSO! READ MY SHIT! MY STUFF THAT I WROTE IN ENGLISH CLASS! Because I do mention that we can educate more people and improve the country in the long term. Instead of sending them to war with bad weapons and for a temporary profit that is only good for the short term and for one side. But for the long term? And the longer and wider term? It doesnt work. And it sucks for not just america, but then any other place we connect with through trade and all that other stuff and it gives us the result of having to shoot ourselves back down. Whatever we do short term, comes back in the long run in a bad way.

Him: and there hasnt been a new system of eons. Capitalisn, facism, democracy, and communism is the best humanity has been able to do. Yeaeh we can do a lot more than 50% of our taxes going to us lol

Me: Communism will stop growth. And its just not in our human nature (or any nature). Because we need incentives….we need to work for an unknown set up and set it up (the bar) for ourselves and see where we go from there. We need to not just know what we get and/or dont get out of x,y,z….but its what drives us and what makes us take risks to then go to our highest point

Him: hmmm. The incentive in communism arguably could be that you want the best for everyone (MY SIDE NOTE...or they just want everyone to just be their puppets and set everything up in their way….which is close to dictatorship and totalitarianism and extreme authoritarianism….). Like you dont want anyone to be homeless so you give up your mansion for an average sized home so that maybe 10 more people can have average sized houses who never had a house. (or….we all can be given all these things….like set with all the greatest and biggest things ever...but if we dont put in the effort and the time….then that will just become smaller and smaller and we lose our own value that is already within us…..)

Me: Yeah but that wouldnt be fair if we all get the same and one does wayyyy more than someone else and they get the same. (thats like someone who is a sinner, but the more someone wastes and the more they do this and that….then it will be more repentance they need….which is imo, something that would be a good college structure. Get a set salary, and if the teacher passes x amount then they get a raise from the people who set it. However, if a student still decides to fail...then they must pay back for what the professor may have been given the raise for….or they can just pay for what they failed bc the teacher had a set tuition and gave their best to teach these kids and not let them put the knowledge to waste...it would teach kids to really apply what they are learning in the time they are given and be smarter and choose smarter, etc….because they dont want to work for x amount of time just to repay the teacher….or….students can get a stipend for their efforts and continuous good grades...which could also act as a positive praise….like there is a negative punishment where they take something someone likes to punish them….or they give them something they dont like….which is suffering something in some form). Human nature doesnt work that way. We need to change the mindset and let people think like this: do your best. Educate yourself. Empower yourself. Dont let the bad 1% of the 1% fuck u up. Try to get involved. Voice out your opinion correctly and strong and respectively and still listen to other opinions and then put that one together and then you can make a good and/or maybe better deal. And spread it

Him: but then its not fair that most people have to be at the bottom for others to be successful

Me: (ummm….started from the bottom….duhhh lol. Its the effort!). No..because we will be educated and school would be available. And tbh. We ALL have the tools we need to succeed. And yes...it will be harder for others because they started at the bottom and/or they were oppressed (and again it goes to their perseverance and their risk taking and how they calculate this and that and knowing what they want and why..because every view that is higher than where they were is always better than the one below….so never really have expectations. But go in increments of getting it done….because then you will be happy you got there, and be happy you have more than what you previously had and then you can use all that you used before, like the leftovers, and then add more to that from where you are now and then how you can get even higher...kinda like exponential growth). But they need to use the tools more resourcefully. Like yo. We got the internet. That has everything on there and it connects people and knowledge and thats just expansion waiting to happen...and the reward feeling will be beyond them. Theyll be super happy. Share and spread how. Their stories of success and it will inspire people. And thats why people think education is being wasted and not as valued as it should be anymore (because a lot do waste it and its because they are just another cycle…) people dont use it to their best advantage and they dont realize how advantageous it is, so it only SEEMS like it is getting people nowhere. AND on top of that (culture), there is a lot of entertainment and superficial things out there that distract them. And entertainment takes the education process out. I reallllyyyyy think education and learning in general is great. And i do think that entertainment can be cut down lol. Like idk. Raise prices for those things and make people get pushed out of that due to the fact they will waste mad money and time on it and not get anything in return. I actually want to be an educator. But not the typical one. Just empower people and put emphasis on autonomy and using resources out there to their best ability and even get creative about it. Emphasis on self education, reading, thinking deeper, questioning underlying things, learning outside of school, connecting things and how things affect what and who and why and how and where it all starts and what the time was and repeat that. How to actually improve things and do research and develop our own thoughts and stuff, instead of just rioting and protesting and boycotting and strikes. Instead of when there is a problem, dont fight with nothing….go make something. Because again…..that damage will be reflected in our own tax money….so really take these things and use them to make it better...i think knowledge and questioning everything you THINK you know...and wonder if it is rlly you or just what THEY want you to think (which is what DJ Khaled is trying to tell us)

*sends pic from usanews.com*

“‘Its definitely been a strategy’ to justify starving government resources, which in turn weakens it and makes it less attractive as a tool to accomplish big things, said Skocopol. ‘In an everybody-for-themselves situation, it is the better-educated and the wealthy who can protect themselves’”.

The middle paragraph tho. They already have a huge privilege to be in school. I have the internet and books too so i can even further my knowledge. However, that is not accessible to everyone. And they will be left behind and isnt it a constitutional thing that we ALL have the liberty to use things to achieve our pursuit of happiness?