#and ‘the talent show is an indication ed is attempting to start finding out what he likes’ and thus a hopeful thing

[knowlesian]

working on a short post (…maybe? look. anyone following me knows what my version of short looks like, when it comes to media analysis) about why from a structural/implications level, i don’t love the read that ed’s desire to throw a talent show is an indication he needs to be brought down to earth by any means necessary 

(ft why that read also makes that scene between ed and lucius in the blanket fort sort of… narratively atonal in a way that also strips it of the poignance of connection)

[tothemaxie]

Benched - JayTim Secret Santa

For @cinnamonskull//@jayskulll for JayTim Secret Santa I'M SO SORRY! I've had HELL with getting my tablet back up and running, and between that, hospital appointments and moving back to uni, my life has spiralled out of control. BUT - I'll do an art request for you to apologize. <3

“Tim maybe, quite possibly, might have broken a few ribs... And his collarbone... And now he's stuck on surveillance. But he's found a way to make it a little more fun...”

It started four weeks after Tim had shattered his collarbone (well, that and three ribs). Definitely one of the worse breaks he'd had to endure, but he'd made sure the other guy ended up worse (concussion from a last second swing of his bo-staff as he went down). Despite Tim's insistence he'd be fine and to full health within a week, Alfred and Bruce had shared 'That Look', and Tim had sighed - knowing in that moment that he'd be well and truly benched for at least six weeks. Apparently, Damian had understood the shared glance as well, if his spit of laughter was anything to go by.

It took Bruce two weeks to even allow Tim on surveillance from the cave, which had had the desperate vigilante going near stir crazy! Everything felt a little nicer once he was back at the computer. It meant - although he couldn't jump in - he could offer at least some assistance if someone in his family got into trouble. But (not really all that surprisingly) his family didn't really get into trouble they couldn't handle, all that much. So, there were just a lot of slow research tasks to take up his time...

That was, until he realized that watching could be fun... Specifically, watching his extremely talented, extremely hot boyfriend kick bad-guy butt to the gravel.

Tim knew almost everything technical about the way Jason fought; he had to, that's how he worked. But he'd never previously stopped to just watch it from a more... Artistic perspective. To see the precise angle his leg raised to during a roundhouse, or to hear the near-satisfied groan down the mic in his helmet that followed a really secure knockout. Tim really did want to pretend that it wasn't thigh-tremblingly hot, but there was no way to deny. Especially when he'd have to bite back a moan every time Jason acknowledged his presence, with a quick update comment, or glance into a public surveillance camera.

It was all so crazy intense to Tim that he could be watching his boyfriend like this, getting off a little on every movement, while Jason himself had no idea. It always made his breathing hitch and his boxers tight. And up until this point he really had no indication that he was a complete pervert. Maybe he wasn't? Maybe this was normal? The thrill of the forbidden... He always loved the forbidden. Jason was a testament to that.

But, all in all, his little routine worked well for him! Pretending to work on various cases for as long as possible, before having his eye caught by the way Jason threw a fucking right hook, damn. Then, quickly looping the in-cave surveillance (he would literally beg Kon to throw him into the sun if Bruce ever found out about this), and jerking off under the desk. Followed by swiftly cleaning himself up and ignoring the shame he felt next time he spent any time with Jason.

But there was a problem. Because a week in, shit started getting serious.

It began with Jason sitting in on some of Dick's little, impromptu stretch class sessions in the soft matted sparring area in the cave. Tim had just been finishing working on some DNA samples Bruce needed chasing up, and he really didn't mean to listen in... But then, he heard his name. And he was far too intrigued to go upstairs after that!

"C'mon, Jay!" Dick had laughed, and it was obvious they were just using this time to chat now (good, Tim had surmised, they never did seem to get to spend enough time together). "It's Tim! You've been with him almost a year now, d'you really think he's that close-minded about this stuff?"

"No." Jason responded almost too quickly. "If anything, Tim's too open-minded when it comes to sex!"

Past the other boys' laughter, Tim's tummy tightened with excitement and anticipation. They were talking about his sex life... And they didn't even know he could hear it all.

"Is there such a thing?" Dick teased, his tone sweet and somehow too innocent for the conversation.

"Good point!" Jason's voice was light and easy, and Tim could imagine the smug smirk that looked just way too hot on him... "But yeah... Tim's like- he's everything, in bed, y'know? God, he's just-"

And then Jason released the most primal, passionate groan Tim have ever heard from him. Tim blinked back in surprised arousal. Still, he leant closer to the wall, listening in closely.

"Okay, okay! Don't give yourself an aneurism!" Dick laughed, and Tim could just imagine Jason blushing (in that perfect way he did when he hoped no one would notice).

"Shut up!" The yelp of displeasure jumped out of Dick as Jason obviously punched him on the arm in protest to his big brother's teasing.

"Relax!" Dick forced through his laughter. "It's nice to see you two... Getting along."

"Holy shit, I know." Jason sighed happily. "Seriously, Dick, you have no idea what the kid does to me. And when he struts around the apartment in just my shirt - pretending he doesn't know I'm definitely watching - he has thighs to kill! Like seriously! His legs could literally destroy a man!"

"They probably have in the past! He gets that from me!" Dick noted proudly, but Tim was too busy just totally swooning to listen. Jason liked his legs? Despite their ongoing relationship, Tim still found it unbelievable that someone a hot at Jason could even want to take a glance at him that way. Let alone actually find him attractive!

"You're such an ass!" Jason's laughter snapped Tim from euphoric enjoyment of listening in on his brothers' private thoughts. "And I gotta get going! He's probably waiting for me!"

"Shit!" Tim hissed under his breath, ducking away from the wall and quick-shuffling to the desk. Falling against the chair slightly as his tried to sit, he jolted his sling-ed arm and yowled out in pain.

"Woah, babe!" Tim started at Jason's sudden appearance beside him. "Careful with yourself, you dingus! What are you even still doing here?"

"Oh, Umm!" Tim bit his lip, temporarily forgetting that he actually did have a genuine reason for being here. "Yes! DNA profiling! For Bruce!"

Tim threw a terrible attempt of a sincere expression over his shoulder, just in time to catch Jason and Dick's shared smirk...

-----

The second time Tim struck gold (and by gold, he meant watching in on something slightly more explicit than just Jason flipping a gun and revving a bike) came two weeks after the stretch session incident. It was Tim's final week being essentially grounded, and he'd be lying if he said he wasn't getting super restless about being benched at this point. But it hadn't been too difficult to drag his mind away from moping when he caught sight of Jason's patrol route that evening.

His boyfriend really seemed to be enjoying his night out in Gotham. Every move he made was somehow even more smooth and clean than usual, and Tim could tell from the satisfied laughter that punctuated eat hit that Jason knew it, too.

Tim was entranced, totally spellbound by Jason's pleasure in his own skill. The smugness in his body language made Tim shiver with a sense of sensual familiarity. It was the same sort of smug as that that was in the smirks Jason would throw him when they'd fool around and Jason just knew whatever he was doing was getting to Tim. It was Tim's favourite kind of smugness...

But just as Tim was getting to enjoy himself - like, really enjoy himself - watching Jason take on three gang thugs at once, it was suddenly all over, and Jay had them all easily taken out. Tim pouted a little at this, disappointed that the show he'd been enjoying so very much had apparently ended, and moved to switch screens, maybe replay the last few minutes just to finish getting off to...

But then he noticed the urgency in Jason's step as he slipped out of view of the camera Tim was currently working from, into a shadowed alleyway, and Tim quickly snapped his feed to Jason's in-helmet surveillance.

Jason had his head tipped back, looking up at the night sky, the camera stable enough that Tim could figure out he was obviously lent back against a wall. It was then that Tim noticed the heavy breathing coming from Jason's mic.

Suddenly concerned his partner might be hurt, Tim grabbed frantically for the earpiece mic he'd earlier shut off and shoved across the desk. Clumsily fumbling the buttons, he opened his mouth to desperately demand Red Hood's status when he was cut off but the lewdest moan he'd ever heard Jason make.

He dropped the mic and stared at the screens in front of him, more - now explicitly sexual - groans following the first. His cheeks flushed a dark pink as he frantically searched for any nearby shops or buildings that had any CCTV he could get into nearby. Within a minute, he was messily typing in code to take ownership of a camera that he could turn directly to Jason's position and-

He fell back into his chair heavily, eyes wide and jaw hanging open. No fucking way was he this lucky. No. Way. He flicked the keyboard to zoom in - to be certain. And - yes - that was definitely Jason Todd palming his cock through his uniform, halfway down a dingy alley. Tim Drake had to be dead, 'cause this was heaven.

Tim returned his own hand to his cock at this sight, though he was totally unsure of how he could last very long at this rate. He was drowning in the sounds of Jason's pretty gasps and moans as it was, but the moment Jason cautiously flicked his head from side to side to check nobody could see him, Tim was gone. Far too surrounded by the satisfaction of getting this private show to last any longer...

-----

Tim felt a little sentimental on his last night stuck in the cave. He spent the evening spinning on his chair, watching the tiny figures hop across the monitor screens, and somehow managing not to get turned on by every little movement Jason Todd made. He knew he'd was set to go back on patrol tomorrow, so he was really making the most of getting to play Oracle one last time. Despite how easily he'd gotten distracted recently, and how frustrating it was to be grounded, he really did enjoy the 'clever-guy surveillance job'. And so, he totally revelled in his last night on the job, feeling suitably like Q from the James Bond films he'd watch with Dick on the weekends.

All in all, it was a clean, successful evening in Gotham - perfectly mundane, by all accounts (and maybe he was a little disappointed at that). And every was back in the cave, safe, fairly early that night (bar Jason, who chose instead to go straight home and skip Bruce's compulsory, post-patrol briefing), Bruce subtly ruffling Tim's hair and telling him to get to bed, before they all left him alone to shut off the monitors.

As usual when Jason bailed pre-briefing, Tim set to checking the surveillance in he and Jason’s go-to safe house to ensure he got home alright. Mindlessly clicking through the cameras in each room searching for Jay’s presence, Tim considered whether he’d bother to pop across tonight. Jason would probably be tired after patrol and he really wasn’t sure if it was worth it. And then he was checking Jason’s bedroom and choking on his coffee. Because – he noted as he, once more, wondered how in hell he got this lucky – Jason was totally lay back on his bed; half undressed; one hand balled up in the spare cape Tim had left in the safe house, pushed to his lip; the other moving tight and fast around his cock.

Tim outwardly gasped at the sight, as he whipped his head around to check everyone was definitely out of the cave, before settling his wide eyes back on the screen. Slipping his head set on, he flicked up the volume and settled back into his seat. Every gasp from Jason’s lips went straight to his cock and sent thrilled shivers down his spine, but it had nothing on the way his boyfriend groaned his codename out through gritted teeth. Tim’s eyes rolled back as that moment alone almost made him cum in his boxers. He watched, entranced, as Jason twisted Tim’s cape up tighter and tighter around his fist – even through the slightly pixilated feed, Tim could see the fabric straining.

“Fuck… Red Robin…”

Tim let out a squeak of guilt-ridden arousal at the sound of his name from Jason’s lips. He resisted touching himself, because he knew he wouldn’t last if he did. It was all too much – seeing Jason so vulnerable and exposed this way. Attempting to remove his mind from overthinking that point too much, he refocused his eyes on the screen. On Jason.

“Tim…” Jason moaned out again, causing Tim to let his eyes fall closed, “You enjoying- mmm- the show, babe?”

Tim’s eyes snapped open. What?!

“Know you’re there, Timmy…” Jay laughed through his laboured breaths, his fist around his cock slowing just slightly.

Heart racing, Tim flicked on the mic and connected to Jason’s earpiece, “…hi?”

“That all you got to say?” Jason followed up the words with a deep moan and a thrust up into his hand.

“I’m sorry..?” Tim cringed at the way his own voice shook through the words.

Jason released another breathless huff of laughter, “For this time, or all of them?”

He knew? Tim shuddered, caught between humiliated and even more turned on. “All of them..?”

“Here’s the- mmf! -Here’s the deal,” Jay started, “You get here before I cum, you’re forgiven, you lil creep!”

“I- Umm…”

“Now, Tim!” Jason gasped out, and Tim was out of his seat and disconnecting the feed quicker than he’d ever done anything else in the cave ever before…

-----

I hope you liked it. Again, I’m REALLY sorry!

[tomeandflickcorner]

OUAT Episode Analysis- Knightfall

Well, congratulations, Gothel. You’ve actually managed to make me hate you even more than I hated Rumpelstiltskin Prime from Season 4 onwards. I’m now REALLY hoping you die in the worst possible way before this show ends.

The flashback for the episode started off so beautifully wholesome, it made my heart swell.  It begins with Young Alice and Wish Killian.  We see Young Alice has become quite the painter, and it looks like Wish Killian has, too.  As evidenced by him standing next to a painting that is similar to the one Young Alice is painting.  The quality of the second painting is significant enough to suggest that they were not painted by the same person.  So it’s safe to conclude that Wish Killian learned how to paint to help Young Alice cope with being magically confined to their tower home by helping her see the world through paintings.  And Young Alice ended up taking up painting to emulate her father and create her own visions of the world she’s never seen.

Now, I’m wondering exactly how Wish Killian learned to paint.  Is this a skill he learned through Milah?  After all, it was heavily implied that she had a great artistic talent. If that was the case, it suggests that Killian Prime also has an artistic side. (Which means we have something else to add to Killian’s growing list of talents.)  But what stuck out to me the most is that Young Alice and Wish Killian’s paintings feature a ship.  Was this supposed to be the Jolly Roger?  That aside, it’s rather heartbreaking that Alice chooses to paint the sea.  Perhaps being by the ocean would have been cathartic for her, too, like the way it was for her father.  But because of the curse on the tower, she cannot see it in person.

Young Alice even picks up on the bittersweet nature of it, as she verbalizes how her paintings only makes her yearn for the chance to see the ocean with her own eyes.  And its clear Wish Killian’s heart is breaking for his little girl, as he has yet to find a way to lift the enchantment that’s keeping her trapped.  (Also, how adorable is it that he calls her Starfish?  I wonder how Alice earned that particular nickname.)  In an effort to lift her spirits, Wish Killian presents Young Alice with a small chest that he claimed to be planning to give her as a birthday present but decided that it would be better to give it to her now. The chest is revealed to be filled with glass vials filled with sand, which he’s collected from the nearest beach. He goes on to explain how this was his attempt at bringing the sea to her.  Touched by the gesture, Young Alice embraces her father.  But the heartwarming moment is abruptly interrupted by Gothel, who appears out of nowhere, Force Choke Holding Wish Killian before magically shoving him out the window, much to Young Alice’s horror.

But then, it turns out that that whole segment was just Young Alice having a nightmare.  When she wakes up in a cold sweat, Wish Killian is by her side in an instant, doing what he can to calm and comfort her.  Now, the thing that stood out to me the most is that Young Alice somehow knew what Gothel looks like.  How did she know?  It’s never indicated that they ever met in person.  But Wish Killian mentions something about how Alice sees the world in a ‘special way’ and that he believes her when she insists that her nightmare wasn’t just a dream, and that it meant something was wrong.  Does Alice have some sort of psychic ability?  Is she channeling Fiver, the clairvoyant rabbit from Watership Down?  Because that would actually explain a lot.  Like why Tilly has to be on medication in Hyperion Heights while no one else does.  Maybe these pills were what helped suppress her visions?  As to how Alice gained that ability, it might have something to do with how her vile womb donor was a witch.  Perhaps magic is genetic to a certain degree.

In light of his daughter’s visible distress, Wish Killian ends up making a decision he clearly didn’t come to lightly.  He admits that there’s one thing he hasn’t tried in his ongoing efforts at freeing Alice from her tower, but at this point, he’s willing to swallow his pride and risk taking that option.  Before he sets off, he comforts Young Alice, promising that he’ll return soon.  In the process, he gives her his white knight chess piece so she’d have something of his to hold onto until he returned, prompting Young Alice to do likewise and give him her black rook chess piece.

It turns out that Wish Killian’s plan is to go to Wish Rumpelstiltskin for help.  That alone shows how much Wish Killian loves his daughter. He’s actually going to the man he hates the most for help.  Imagine how much that must have rankled him.  We’re talking about the man who murdered the woman Wish Killian loved in cold blood, right before permanently maiming him by brutally cutting off his hand. But Wish Killian was willing to put his pride aside and ask for that man’s help in order to help his daughter. He is really that desperate.

When Wish Killian visits Wish Rumpelstiltskin’s cell beneath Wish Snowing’s castle, Wish Rumpelstiltskin is at his most manic state.  So, how exactly did Wish Killian know where Wish Rumpelstiltskin was?  Did that whole thing with Snow and Charming approaching Killian/Hook in the 6x20 flashback occur in the Wish World, too?  Was Wish Killian stepping forward to cash in on the favor they owed him for helping them reach EQ Regina’s castle?  Because I thought Shady Blue said that everyone would forget about their experiences while that whole singing spell was in effect. Also, is there a Wish Emma somewhere in this world?  I know the whole Wish World creation thing is beyond confusing, and it was suggested that our Emma was the only version of Emma.  But maybe it was like how it was with the 2003 anime version of Fullmetal Alchemist.  Remember when Ed wound up in that other world beyond the gate?  His spirit essentially got implanted into the body of his counterpart in that other world.  Maybe that’s what happened when Emma was sent to Wish World?  Then again, that wasn’t the case when Regina ventured to Wish World. Considering Wish Regina had imposed exile on herself and probably was nowhere near the Enchanted Forest.  But maybe that had to do with how Regina Prime simply wished to be taken to the same world Emma had wound up in.  After all, wording is very important, especially with the arbitrary rules of magic.  Of course, I’m probably trying too hard to make some semblance of sense from this.

Anyway, Wish Rumpelstiltskin eventually makes a deal with Wish Killian.  It involves Wish Killian seeking out another ship captain.  One who managed to obtain an artifact that’s later revealed to be Maui’s Fishhook.  So apparently Moana exists in this world now.  Once Wish Killian has Maui’s Fishhook, he’d be able to use it to use it to destroy the tower and thereby free Alice.  In exchange for his help, Wish Killian promises to release Wish Rumpelstiltskin from his cell.  So, with the knowledge of how to help Alice, Wish Killian heads off into town, where he reunites with Wish Smee.  Which I did like.  At the end of the day, it’s quite clear that Killian and Smee were good friends.  Wish Smee even offers to return ownership of the Jolly Roger back to Wish Killian.  But Wish Killian’s life now revolves around Alice and finding a way to free her.  He manages to trace Maui’s Fishhook to Captain Ahab of Moby Dick fame.  The irony of this is interesting.  Because of Ahab’s famous hunt for the White Whale, he’s become an iconic representation of obsessive hatred.  One might even accuse Killian Prime/Wish Killian of that, prior to him finding a reason to live inside Emma or Alice.  

When Wish Killian confronts Ahab over the matter of Maui’s Fishhook, Ahab taunts Wish Killian for a bit, accusing him of being old and washed up.  However, Wish Killian doesn’t let these taunts get to him and proposes a wager. He invites Ahab to join him in a game of dice.  The winner of the game would get both Maui’s Fishhook and the Jolly Roger.  Even though it is kinda strange how Wish Killian saw fit to use the Jolly Roger as a gambling chip despite the fact that she currently belongs to Wish Smee.  (And there’s even a brief moment of mild levity when you see Wish Smee reacting to Wish Killian’s statement.)  Regardless, Wish Killian and Ahab have their dice game, with Wish Killian winning.  

Unfortunately, when Wish Killian returns to Wish Rumpelstiltskin’s cell to uphold his end of their deal, it’s revealed that Ahab followed him, and he once again starts to mock Wish Killian, accusing him of no longer being a pirate and being so pathetic, he has to resort to seeking Wish Rumpelstiltskin’s help, etc. etc.  But really, who cares?  What’s it to Ahab, anyway?  Since when is it any of his business what Wish Killian does?  Seriously, Ahab, why do you even care?

Unfortunately though, Ahab’s mocking accusations end up getting to Wish Killian, and, in an effort to save face and uphold his pirate name, he challenges Ahab to a gun duel.  But as they fire off their shots in unison, Wish Killian has one of those life-flashing-before-your-eyes moments. In the process, he remembers Alice and how she’s waiting for him back in her tower.  And he realizes that, if he died, then she would be all alone. Thankfully, he manages to come out on top in the duel, with Ahab’s bullet simply grazing his shoulder.  Wish Killian doesn’t stick around to gloat, however, as he has remembered that Alice is his top priority, so he immediately heads back to her tower, with Maui’s Fishhook in his possession.

And that is when the episode flashback reaches its tragic turn. Upon returning to the tower, Wish Killian is given a warm welcome by Young Alice, who is quick to hug him.  But the moment they embrace, Wish Killian recoils in pain, and a mark appears on Young Alice’s wrist.  Out of nowhere, Gothel appears, announcing that Wish Killian’s heart is now cursed.  It turns out that she somehow made it so Ahab’s bullet was infused with the Curse of the Poisoned Heart, and that when it grazed Wish Killian’s shoulder, it entered his bloodstream, thereby placing the curse upon him.  (Does this mean she somehow put Ahab up to this?)  She proceeds to taunt Wish Killian about how he brought it all upon himself by letting his pride get the better of him before magically removing him from the tower.  She then continues to taunt and gloat to him even more about how he’ll never be able to safe Alice now before teleporting off, leaving Wish Killian to listen to Young Alice’s desperate voice as she repeatedly calls out to him to save her.

Okay, seriously, what is Gothel’s malfunction?!  Why would she do this?  Hasn’t she hurt Wish Killian and Alice enough?  Why did she feel the need to torture them even more?  Wish Killian and Alice were just simply living their lives together, not doing a single thing that would have bothered or inconvenienced her at all.  What, will Gothel somehow get returned to her tower prison if Alice ever escapes?  If that’s the case, there was nothing in the narrative to indicate it.  And the fact that she took advantage of this moment to forcibly separate them is just sadistic and cruel.  She better not later act like she was doing this for Alice’s own good by claiming she was protecting her from having a selfish father or whatever.  Because that is horsebuck of the highest order.  Not to mention how she has no right to act like she ever has Alice’s best interests in mind.  This is the woman who only birthed Alice to escape from the tower.  And she didn’t hesitate to up and leave Baby Alice to die alone in the tower.  There is no reason why she’s allowed to suddenly act as if she cares about Alice now.  Especially when she has purposely separated Alice from the parent who actually loved and was there for her.

Neither Wish Killian nor Alice deserved this.  And Wish Killian is nowhere close to being a selfish father.  He gave up his WHOLE LIFE to be there for Alice and raise her as best he could.  He spent the last 12 or so years with everything revolving around her.  Just look at all the toys Alice had lying around in her tower.  Wish Killian clearly went to town in providing her with things to play with, even to the point of spoiling her.  And we see though that whole flashback moment during his duel with Ahab that he did everything in his power to make sure Alice had a full life, in spite of how she couldn’t leave her tower.  He did everything he could to make sure she’d want for nothing, and never stopped trying to give her the one thing she lacked- her freedom.  The fact that he’s now being punished so harshly for one single mistake he made by letting his pride get the better of him just one time?  That is just despicable and sadistic.  Especially since he’d already realized that he’d made a mistake by listening to Ahab’s taunts. And you just know that Wish Killian is going to spend the rest of his life feeling guilty over this, especially knowing how much this has hurt Alice, who has lost her father and ONLY companion because of this.

In Hyperion Heights, Rumpelstiltskin and Rogers (who has yet to wake up and remember that he’s Wish Killian) are still trying to find the culprit behind the string of murders.  As they’re working, Tilly/Alice stops by unannounced, inviting Rogers to have a chess match with her.  But Rogers essentially brushes her off, stating that he’s busy with his police work and needs to focus.  After Tilly shuffles off, Rumpelstiltskin states that their best bet at preventing further murders is to know who is involved with the Coven of Eight. Because knowing that would enable them to offer protection to the would-be victims.  But the only one who would know the identities of the remaining members of the Coven of Eight is Eloise/Gothel.  Which is a problem, as the woman has seemingly gone into hiding. But then, as if her ears were burning, Gothel appears right in front of them, announcing that she’s willing to provide them with information.  However, when they bring her into the interrogation room, Gothel refuses to say anything in front of Rumpelstiltskin.  Which is obviously because they both know they’re both awake. But the fact that she plans to be alone with Rogers indicates that she’s up to no good, as Rogers is the only one of them that hasn’t woken up yet, so he has no idea who it is he’s talking to. Rumpelstiltskin, pulling Rogers aside, informs him that it’s not a good idea for him to be alone with that woman, but Rogers just rolls his eyes, confident that he can handle Eloise/Gothel.

Honestly, I’m kinda annoyed at Rumpelstiltskin here.  Sure, he’s trying to warn Rogers not to let Gothel get into his head and all, but Rumpelstiltskin is awake and therefore knows exactly who Gothel is.  And he knows what Gothel did to Wish Killian and Alice.  And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Gothel will most likely take full advantage of the fact that Rogers doesn’t remember who she actually is.  If Rumpelstiltskin really wanted to help protect Wish Killian/Rogers from Gothel, then you’d think he would be putting a bit more effort into it.  Maybe Rumpy Rumps hasn’t actually fully let go of his animosity towards Killian Jones and is therefore only putting in the bare minimum of work into keeping Wish Killian safe.

Anyway, when Rogers goes back into the interrogation room, Gothel doesn’t hesitate to get all creepy, even commenting on how Rogers might look good if he was clean shaven.  Okay, I REALLY want to strangle this disgusting woman! Where does she get off, commenting on his appearance here?  She has no right to do so, especially after everything she’s done to him and his daughter. But then Gothel starts going off on this weird tangent, saying that Rogers has to figure out who he really is before he can even hope to help protect the other members of the coven.  Which is really weird.  Because I seriously doubt she’s actually wanting to help Rogers wake up. Eventually, she convinces Rogers to bring him his favorite painting, revealing that she knows Rogers liked to paint. Refusing once again to heed Rumpelstiltskin’s warnings, or pointing out the obvious that Gothel’s friends might die if she doesn’t knock it off with the guessing games, Rogers complies and fetches an oil painting he kept. Which is the same painting we saw Wish Killian had painted in the flashback.  (Ugh, the feels that Wish Killian was able to keep that painting when the Dark Curse brought him to Hyperion Heights)

Again, Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t seem to be putting much effort into keeping Rogers from playing into Gothel’s hands.  He KNOWS Rogers doesn’t know the full extent of how dangerous Gothel is.  He KNOWS that Rogers doesn’t know the first thing about this woman.  But he responds to Rogers’ stubborn ‘I can handle this’ attitude by basically throwing his hands into the air and going ‘fine, do what you want.’  So I’m once again side-eying Rumpy Rumps.

By the time Rogers returns to the precinct with the paining he made in Pre-Curse Enchanted Forest, Tilly has once again returned.  This time, she’s seen that Gothel is present and she is freaking out.  I’m guessing she’s once again channeling Fiver the rabbit, as she can sense that something is not right about that woman.  But when she begs Rogers to not go back into the interrogation room with Gothel, Rogers abruptly, and rather harshly, dismisses her and ignores her pleas. And my heart is breaking for them both. Because it’s clear that Tilly has some sort of sixth sense that is setting off serious warning bells in her head. And you just know that Wish Killian is going to beat himself up over how dismissive he was to his daughter once he wakes up, even though it wasn’t necessarily his fault due to the fact that the curse was preventing him from remembering.

 (And my hatred for Gothel increases even more when she reveals that she can see Rumpelstiltskin, Rogers and Tilly’s confrontation through the security camera when she mockingly waves at Tilly.  That woman is the WORST!)

Once she sees the painting, Gothel once again starts spouting riddles before she finally gets Rogers to admit that, like his true self, he feels a connection to the sea.  But he’s never been there as Rogers because there’s no one for him to share it with.  Is that what you were after, Gothel, you complete sicko? Is that what you wanted Rogers/Wish Killian to admit?  Were you just looking to pour salt into his wounds?  Haven’t you tortured that poor man enough?

Finally, Gothel states that both the lady doctor and the blind baker both got a gift of a heart-shaped box of chocolates before they were attacked, suggesting that the chocolate box might by the killer’s M.O.  But when Rogers and Rumpelstiltskin follow that lead, they end up at a dead end, I guess, as the florist whom the next chocolate box was delivered to reportedly died years prior.  Wondering if they were intentionally sent on a wild goose chase, they head over to the hospital, where the blind baker was recovering under the watch of some armed guards. When they get there, however, they find the guards have been taken down, and the blind baker has been killed.

But then, a hysterical Tilly suddenly appears from the shadows, brandishing a scalpel.  She begins to yell at Rogers and Rumpelstiltskin, shouting at how she tried to warn them something bad was going to happen but they refused to listen to her.  She then jumps out of a nearby window and runs off.  While Rogers and Rumpelstiltskin are unable to follow her, they make their way to her boxcar home.  Inside, they find a rather incriminatory painting of the Coven of Eight’s mark, with two of the points crossed out in red.  At face value, this probably would suggest that Tilly was behind the murders, but neither Rogers nor Rumpelstiltskin believe that she is the actual killer. However, they are unable to ignore the fact that Tilly was present at the scene of the crime, and that she’s now wandering around somewhere, having a full-on panic attack.  So, while Rumpelstiltskin volunteers to return to the police station to buy them time and do some damage control, Rogers takes it upon himself to track down Tilly.

While all of this is going on, Lucy is off coming to terms with the knowledge that her father would die if the curse was ever broken.  In a misguided attempt to keep this from happening, she tries to tell Jacinda that she no longer considers Henry her favorite author as she no longer believes in happy endings and fairy tales, stating she’d rather her mother not see him again. Which is really frustrating, as she is giving up too easily.  While we don’t see how Jacinda responds to Lucy’s statement, Henry is feeling upset that Lucy is now pushing him away and even confides in Regina about it when they run into each other on the street.  Regina is apparently returning home from Facilier’s place, which just makes me think even more that they spent the night together.  As well as wonder what exactly they’re doing with this particular pair up.

At some point, however, Drizella, still reeling from Steppunzel’s death, as well as the knowledge that her mother really did love her all along, asks Henry to come over to help her out with things.  When Henry stops by with the intention of being there for someone he believes is a friend (remember they seemingly bonded during the Halloween episode), Drizella makes a move on Henry and tries to kiss him.  Which is extremely gross, considering that Henry is Drizella’s stepbrother-in-law, and Drizella is fully aware of this fact.  At least, I think Henry and Parallel Ella are married.  I realize that it’s safe to assume that they were probably married before the new Dark Curse was cast, but we see them kiss for the first time in 7x08, and then, two episodes later, we flash forward to Lucy being born.  To date, we’ve never seen anything that happened between the first kiss and the birth of Lucy.  They never specifically said that they were married, did they? Not that it really matters, of course.

Thankfully, Henry is quick to reject Drizella’s advances, telling her that she’s not in the right state of mind and that she shouldn’t do something she’d later regret.  At the same time, he empathizes with her, because he still believes his wife and daughter are dead, and he knows how it feels to lose the people you love. But he reminds Drizella that, unlike him, she still has family and advises her to reach out to Jacinda and Lucy.  At first, Drizella doubts that Jacinda will want to see her, but Henry convinces her to at least try to extend an olive branch.  So Drizella stops by Jacinda’s apartment under the pretense of returning some of Jacinda’s childhood things that Steppunzel had stored away. Eventually, the two women begin to have a heart-to-heart about the difficulties that surround the relationship between a mother and daughter, with Jacinda admitting she’s facing her own issues with Lucy because of the little girl’s sudden behavior.  Overall, this is a really nice scene, and I don’t find anything to fault with it.  In the end, Jacinda and Drizella seem to make amends, with Jacinda even returning a toy that Drizella apparently favored as a child.  Whether or not this truce will still stand once Jacinda wakes up is anyone’s guess.  But during their conversation, Drizella, I guess, has an epiphany and she realizes that she still has something to do.  And she ends up leaving the apartment, stating that she has to finish what Steppunzel started.  I have no idea what this means.  What exactly does Drizella plan to do?  Is this going to be good or bad?

The episode ends with Lucy FINALLY following my advice and seeking out Regina, showing her the page from the Storybook.  Why Lucy didn’t show this page to Henry or Jacinda, I can’t figure out.  Especially since it would prove what she was saying about the curse was true all along.  But upon seeing the page and finding out that Lucy knows what will happen if the curse ends, Regina admits to Lucy that she’s awake and suggests they work together to find a way to save Henry.  Which is what I’ve been saying they should do from the moment Regina woke up!  And again, while this scene is a nice one, there’s something about it that rubbed me the wrong way.  Regina brings up the fact that Henry also worked to find a way to break the Dark Curse, armed with just a pair of walkie talkies and an operation name.  While this is completely true and accurate, the way Regina talked of it made it sound as if this was something she and Henry did together.  But it’s not. Operation Cobra was Henry and Emma’s thing.  Regina was the one trying to stop them from succeeding.  

Also, can we talk about Regina’s claim that ‘Mills women save people’ or however she worded that statement?  Okay, what?  Was I watching a different show for the past six seasons?  Is this the Mandala Effect at work here?  Because if memory serves, saving people was the Charming family’s claim to fame.  The Mills family, however, mainly consisted of Cora, Regina and Zelena.  No offense to the Regina fandom, but when did any of those women actually make a habit of saving people? In fact, apart from Zelena, who I think only killed two people in her life (and I don’t count Neal as he killed himself through stupidity), they all had a pretty high body count.  So… is Regina just falling back into her old habit of acting like she was always the real hero or something, and that she was not actually responsible for any of her past crimes?  I’m sorry, but that just really irked me.  Especially since I thought Regina was doing really well this season.  But once again, we have her acting like she was always on par with the Charming family in terms of heroics.  Although, I guess that’s nothing new.

Next week, however? I honestly have no idea what to expect.  With an episode title like ‘The Girl in the Tower,’ you’d think the next episode would continue to focus on Tilly/Alice.  But the promo only focused on Lucy and Regina’s plan to spy on Faclier.  If that’s going to be the main focus of the next episode, I’m going to be disappointed.  Because at the moment, I’m only interested in seeing Wish Killian and Alice wake up and remember each other.

(Click here to read more Episode Analyses)

[earwaxinggibbous]

10 Songs that make Love/Sex Sound Like No Fun

Happy Vagina Day! I mean Happy Valentines Day!

[wipes brow]

What do you mean it’s the 15th???

Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday, even now when I can actually appreciate it as a taken man. I was never a very romantic person, as hard as I try, and a lot of the gushy crap forced down our throats around February is akin to being buttfucked with a tree branch. It’s like walking into a store and all of the workers are talking in uwu-speak.

Hewwo wewcome to Gwistedes dat wiww be 20 dowwaws! Cash oah cwedit?

But if February is good for one thing aside from overcoming your Winter Break Hangover, as a song critic, it’s a good time to talk about love songs. (And fuck songs, ‘cause there’s a lot of those.) But talking about songs that actually bring out powerful romantic feelings is absolutely no fun, because like I said, I’m not a romantic man. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to find love and sex songs that make the acts seem... really, really lame? So that’s what we’re doing.

Keep in mind that I don’t know every song on the planet, in fact, my scope is actually a very small, strange corner of the musical world. So if you have your own list, feel free to put it together and show me if you want! Go crazy.

Honorable mentions go to any songs that aren’t actually intended to be romantic or sexy. Stuff like The Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. Or Eminem’s Kim. If that’s your idea of love, well... you do you I guess. There’ll be more honorables later.

Nuuuumber 10!

Closer - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

I personally believe both of the artists involved in this are more sexually weak than Kevin from F is for Family. (And if you’ve watched the whole series you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also hit me the fuck up, I need someone to fanboy over that shit with.)

I like Halsey. I don’t think she’s amazing or anything. Oftentimes I feel like her greatest flaw as an artist is that she wants to do three things at once: Appeal to internet people who like stuff like Marina and Lana del Rey (eg. Colors), appeal to a mainstream that just likes regular easy-listening pop music (eg. New Americana), and also just do her own thing and talk about her own experiences (eg. Control and Gasoline). These things don’t really work that well together at times. New Americana is one of those times, I hate that song. Closer is another one of those times.

The Chainsmokers kind of improved by 2017, but for awhile they were putting out soulless crap like Don’t Let Me Down with all the excitement of a party that only consists of art students. Closer is also lame. But more than that it shows me two things: The first being that Andrew Taggart is an asshole, and the second being that the Chainsmokers don’t know how to write women and even Halsey’s halfway-decent voice and attempts at emotion can’t really fix it.

“Hey, I drink a lot. But everything was fine before we started dating, so it must be YOUR fault!”

Part of me almost feels like Taggart just really wants to fuck Halsey and so he wrote this song as an excuse, like it’s essentially the expensive version of a self-insert fanfic. 

If the Chainsmokers are good at one thing, it’s lyrical detail. It worked in their favor in Paris, which is a song that I actually really love. All of the tiny details worked into it paint an insanely vivid picture of these two rich kids basically having some kind of one-night stand.

In Closer it does the complete opposite. I have a hard time believing that there’s any thought less sexy than fucking in the backseat of a range rover with a mattress in the trunk that belonged to your roommate, and they probably masturbated on it and how do you even have this car if you can’t afford it? Or is Taggart just being fucking presumptuous? Dammit, man.

Halsey plays this really pathetic character who left Taggart’s character based on looks alone, and is now regretting it because I guess the endless sexual draw of the weird long-headed guy from the Chainsmokers would make anyone change their mind. It paints Halsey’s character as pathetic, and that’s a character I have absolutely never wanted to see her play. Because her personality as a singer is kind of thin. When she’s playing a character who is aggressive and violently emotional, it works, but when in a role like this it feels like misuse of her actual talent. Kind of equivalent to when they got Eminem on that strip club song Shake That.

(He don’t get it. You don’t get it. And most of all, I don’t get it.)

Frankly, Halsey’s strengths (”specific yet vague” emotional detail) don’t play off well with the Chainsmokers’ strengths. (detailed scenery to piece together vague stories) These two should never have gotten together. Frankly, they shouldn’t have even tried,

Numéro Neuf

You Was Right - Lil Uzi Vert

His face is so weird. It’s just so weird.

I have a kind of odd love of Lil Uzi Vert, despite the fact I’ve only heard one song that I really liked. (XO Tour Lif3, for the record.) I feel like he has a creative energy that most artists in pop are missing, but he’s really, REALLY not using it to his advantage. A lot of his songs are just kind of... nothing. 

You Was Right is one of those hits that was so early in 2017, my brain keeps telling me it was a 2016 hit. It was also Uzi’s first platinum single. It’s an okay song musically. Not that interesting. Beat kind of sounds like it was bumped from Wicked, which is not helped by the fact that Metro Boomin’ was involved in both songs. But lyrically, this song is... weird and confusing.

The basic plot makes sense: Lil Uzi’s character in this song feels bad after cheating on his girlfriend, and he wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from doing so. But man. This song makes the idea of a relationship with Lil Uzi sound like way more trouble than it’s worth.

I bet you’re asking me: “Panda, is this line accompanied by the most obnoxious eye-roll possible in the music video?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Yep, that’s right. Lil Uzi is feeling guilty, and wishes he’d never taken this girl home, and--

Uzi stop.

You should’ve just not. Done anything. Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t have boned, you should’ve gone home and boned your girlfriend, dammit Lil Uzi. Let me like you, you bastard.

The reason this isn’t any higher is because I at least feel like Uzi has some kind of love for his girlfriend. As the second line indicates that the moment he saw his girlfriend, he immediately passed by some other woman to hit her up. But still...

I THINK YOU KIND OF DID WRECK HER. YOU FUCKED A GROUPIE, MAN.

This whole verse is just funny I have no explanation. Like. You’re in the same room, but because the door is locked, even though... you’re in the same room? You can’t talk? But she’s actually in the bathroom. And Uzi needs to take a piss, so he’s basically just forcing some romantic lovey-dovey crap, like babe I wanna caress you, I’m seriously gonna wreck the carpet right now, can we just move on from this.

But here’s the best/worst line, in my humble onion:

1. What does this have to do with anything,

2. He’s gonna fuck your sister and then kill her if you talk shit, I guess. So to my sister, I am very sorry.

I think Uzi improved on conveying emotion in his next album, or at least with the big single XO Tour Lif3, which I’ll defend until I’m dead. But as for You Was Right, well... he was wrong.

Número Ochoooooo!

Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran

Did you wanna fuck Ed Sheeran?

NO?

TOO BAD.

Ed Sheeran is a musician I enjoy purely for the purpose of mocking him. While he does, now and then, drop a good single like Don’t, Sing or Castle on the Hill, oftentimes he exudes only one thing:

PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!

Maybe it’s because of his voice. Or maybe it’s because he looks like a high schooler who hit puberty too late. Maybe it’s because I have THIS picture of him saved to my computer:

Look at him. Look at his fucking face.

He just exudes involuntary celibacy. Not like the reddit “hurgh durgh FEMOIDS” kind, just like. The “sees a naked boob and passes out bleeding like an anime character” kind.

Look at his fucking face. He looks like he’s not sure how to hold a woman’s hand. He looks like he doesn’t even know what it is. I don’t know how I’m expected to recognize Ed Sheeran as a sexually active man. The weird dinky three-tone beat ripped straight from Sia’s Cheap Thrills and pretty much every Rihanna song ever, namely Work, doesn’t help in the slightest. Because here’s the thing: Work and Cheap Thrills are not sex songs. If anything, they’re songs about the lower class and their struggles. No fucking required, unless you count Drake’s verse on Work.

Shape Of You is a sex song. And it’s about as sexy as wedging your dick in a paper bag.

It’s like it was supposed to be a romantic sex song, but the vibe I’m getting is a teenage boy up in your DMs asking (admittedly politely) for titty pics. 

He’s in love with the shape of you. Just your outline. Your contour. Like that one episode of Ed Edd ‘n Eddy where Jimmy somehow gets his linework stolen and has to be kept in a blender? He wouldn’t fuck a lady like that. You gotta have a... shape. Square. Circle. 

RECTANGLE GIRLS OF THE WORLD

This isn’t helping the whole “virginal loser” thing for the record.

The verses try to be more romantic, and totally fail at it because let’s be honest, if Ed Sheeran took me to an all-you-can-eat buffet on our first date, I’d probably kill him. McDonald’s is even preferable. I guess it’s also technically more expensive if you want seconds, but like... everyone there is probably sweaty... and the food usually looks really gross. Sometimes you have mashed potatoes in the steak bucket and it just completely ruins your day.

Ed’s wispy delivery really doesn’t help, as he has all the sexual energy of a castrated Charlie Puth. He’s not crazy. He does not fit the radio definition of “crazy”. He’s the musician that I just see the least as one who fucks. Puth gets more pussy. The ICP get more pussy. Meghan Trainor probably fucks more than he does, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was some kind of otherworldly plant being that reproduces via budding. 

Also I’d feel bad if I didn’t mention the video, which is literally, no joke, the video for Maroon 5′s One More Night. You know, where the lead singer becomes a badass boxer who punches shit. Now I’ll probably drop my feelings towards Maroon 5 with more detail in the future, but in short, I actually enjoy most of their singles. One More Night is a fun song in my opinion, not high art or anything, but I like it. Adam’s falsetto doesn’t bug me as much as other people. I’d prefer him singing in a high pitch than, say, Swae Lee.

(Dammit Swae, let me love you, you bastard.)

But see, I actually also prefer the VIDEO for One More Night. For two big reasons.

1. Adam Levine is at least a little more threatening than Ed Sheeran. Remember how fucking goofy Animals was BECAUSE Adam was singing it? Imagine if Ed was on that track. It’d be ridiculous.

and

2. One More Night was a song about how his relationship with his girlfriend basically feels like a warzone. The violence in the music video was, at some level, metaphorical. In Shape Of You it doesn’t have any emotional or symbolic relevance, so I just have to take at face-value that Ed Sheeran is a boxer, and...

That’s just not happening.

Numerum VII!

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

This would easily be higher up if not for the fact that, on the most technical level, it’s a joke song.

Bet you didn’t know that.

Yeah, the joke here is that these three are singing this ridiculous sex jam despite in real life all being happily married men (or at least were at the time this song came out, Robin’s wife promptly dropped him as soon as this album fell into our collective hands) who are way past their prime when it comes to flirting with chicks at the club. Also, Pharrell looks like an alien.

I’m not gonna extend this too much, as everyone’s already riffed on Blurred Lines more than we’ve probably riffed on other socially questionable songs like U.O.E.N.O. or Treat You Better. But this song sounds like it... COULD BE about sexual assault?

I’ll be fair and say that I don’t think this is straight-up a rape song. Because the thing is that it’s not actually about sex, it’s about picking up girls. But Robin’s approach is so slimy and gross that I’d honestly prefer, very specifically, to re-enact that one scene from The Simpsons’ Cape Feare where they drive through a bunch of cacti with Sideshow Bob hanging on the bottom of the car, and I’m Sideshow Bob, but facing the ground with my dick out, so it slides through the cactus like a sad, sad little pool noodle full of thumbtacks.

On one hand, there’s implications of attempting to get consent, and on the other hand, there’s also discussion of whether or not he’s actually GETTING consent or not. Maybe it’d work if Robin Thicke had more swagger to his personality, and if they removed all the stuff about “blurred lines”, it’d be less suspicious. But even then it’d still sound like a /r/niceguy trying to convince a girl that she WANTS to fuck him.

Once again I’d like to mention the video real quick, specifically the alternate version.

The topless version somehow makes it even LESS sexy. When the women were clothed, it definitely gave more of a vibe of “cheeky girl at a bar playing hard to get”, but once you have a bunch of topless chicks running around looking unhappy and bored, it reads more as... “harem sex dungeon”.

Not much else to say, really. Other than that Miley Cyrus has horrible taste in men.

Even you can do better, Miley.

Nummer Sechs!

The Hills - The Weeknd

The Hills is about as sexy as getting the bottom half of my body lost in the void while prime minister Shinzo Abe projectile vomits onto my face.

I actually like this song. But it doesn’t sound like sex. At all.

It does sound like a good horror movie soundtrack, which I guess...

I guess at least this line would make sense if it was?

Everything about this song kind of punches you. The beat punches you and the tune punches you and it’s really really loud. Literally everything about this song fits together EXCEPT THE PREMISE. This is, from what I can gather, a song about some dark spooky sex machine who’s helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend, but doesn’t really care because his drug problem or something is more important to him. And nothing fits with it.

Say what you want about Earned It, it sounds like a sex song. Maybe I’ll discuss that song in the future, but while Earned It creates the vibe of some sort of expensive Blank Space-esque rich guy mansion with a sexual twist, The Hills sounds more like... an explosion in a really dark place. Even the video works for the sound more than it works for the premise. Frankly, if this had been a song about a break-up or being sent to prison or something, I’d totally buy it. The Weeknd’s warbling baby voice can convey suffering more than it can convey sex.

The best way I can explain this is...

Imagine if Rolex was backed by the ending track from A Serbian Film. That’s the tonal problem we’re talking here.

Though lyrically, The Hills isn’t high art either.

Bragging about erectile dysfunction: Counting this and Young Thug’s Lifestyle, I guess we can call this a theme now. I hate it. Also, Weeknd rhymes “simple” with “simple”. And the fact that this is a fuckjam makes the title drop of The Hills Have Eyes even more questionable. I’d honestly rather hear a sex song based on Cannibal Holocaust.

Also, fun fact, this song has a remix featuring Eminem. Fucking EMINEM. That is the least sexy rapper you could have picked. You could have chosen anyone for your sex song, and you picked the man responsible for such classic sensual love songs as Stan and Just Lose It.

Dear Weeknd, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’...

Still a song I like. Just... pretend it’s not about boning.

Numero Cinque!

Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello

I debated deep in my heart as to whether or not I could, in good taste, put this song on the list. Because I really shouldn’t expect a whole lot from ex-Fifth Harmony member as well as the only Fifth Harmony member anyone knows the name of, Camila Cabello, as well as this weirdo Machine Gun Kelly, who looks like a very failed attempt to clone Macklemore.

But then I read this.

Wait, this is a love song?

I thought it was just... about like, fucking.

ALSO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAMPLE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A LOVE SONG.

And most importantly, and much less aggressively, why does this song sound like it’s about, like... abuse.

Like, yeah. You’re- you’re giving each other scars. And guess what! This is actually edited.

Somehow the edit makes it both better and worse. Because on one hand, like, bruises usually sounds like more of an abuse thing. When I think of an abuse victim I see bruises. But, also, scars are... technically a bigger deal? Bruises go away. If you’re scarring up your SO, then you have some serious issues. And MGK’s uninterested delivery makes it way worse, as well as the Fastball sample that is from a song about hurting your lover. Which kind of sounds, uh, a lot like... what’s going on here.

And, uh, I guess you could argue they’re in a really intense BDSM relationship? I guess Camila seems pretty into it, and not really in like, a Stockholm Syndrome way. But the other thing that takes up a good chunk of this song is the comparison between drug dependence and romance.

Which really doesn’t help?

Like drugs aren’t a good thing. Honestly I feel like Kesha using this metaphor was a sign of things to come considering what happened to her in 2017. Because, here’s a crazy thought, drugs may be addictive... but they also hurt you.

Like an abusive partnerokay we’re moving on sorry.

Numero Neljä!

Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes

Oh hey, I like, just mentioned this one.

Honestly, Kodak Black’s Side N**** would’ve taken this spot, except that I don’t wanna think about Kodak Black. Ever. So you get the whiter version of it.

Treat You Better is another one of those songs that makes the idea of dating the singer sound insanely unappealing. But unlike You Was Right above, Treat You Better has next to no self-awareness.

I’ll admit that I don’t really hate Shawn Mendes. I actually like Stitches, the tune is nice enough and regardless of how you feel about this apparently 6′2 tower of twink flesh, you can’t really argue that he hasn’t got a decent set of pipes on him. 

But damn if his songwriters aren’t trying to sour my opinion of him at every turn.

If this were an actual review, I’d complain about how the backing guitar sounds exactly LIKE Stitches, but the problems arise in the lyrics, and the way the video plays off of the lyrics.

oh wait excuse me

Alright sorry.

But in case you can’t tell, Treat You Better is basically a niceguy anthem. I mean, when I read the title I thought it was like the earlier-mentioned Fastball’s Out Of My Head or Hoobastoobaskeeboodidillybaboobastank’s The Reason where the male singer does some nonspecific bad thing to their SO and vows to be better in the future. You know, like--

(YAH... HUH... I PROMISE TO, UH... BE BETTER... YIEAH...)

But no, actually. Treat You Better is more equivalent to Daya’s Hide Away, which you could honestly consider as on this list in the exact same spot because they’re basically the same song.

I suspect the reason nobody wants to date Daya is because she dresses like Heather Chandler in the 2018 Heathers remake.

I also suspect her and Shawn would absolutely love one another’s company. 

To be absolutely fair, neither of these songs take the stance that real life nicefolk take, because it’d make them look absolutely insufferable. The big reason I chose Treat You Better over Hide Away for this list is that the video tries to imply that Shawn’s object of attraction is being abused by her current boyfriend. Which I guess makes sense, but...

I love how the combination of the song and the video essentially imply that Shawn’s got this ladyfriend who’s being beaten to shit by her boyfriend and his only response is man, this is why you should’ve dated me instead! I would be WAY better to you than that guy!

Instead of, you know.

This guy is seriously terrible to you and I’m calling the police.

Or better yet!

Kill him.

Also this girl’s just not... a very good actress. I’m not asking for a Hollywood performance, just, you know. Some kind of expression other than “mild disinterest” when you’re about to get your shit kicked in would be nice.

Really the big issue is that, regardless of whether or not we’re supposed to see the girl as an abuse victim, Shawn will forever see himself as the victim. Which means it’s either

A. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is a taken woman and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

or B. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is in an abusive relationship... and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

So either way, Shawn Mendes’ greatest worry isn’t your safety, or if you’re happy in your current relationship, his one worry is getting his spindly little baby-soft white boy hands into your undies. And frankly, I just don’t need that in my life!

the third one

Honey I’m Good - Andy Grammar

How much do you wanna bet all these couples broke up/got divorced after featuring in this thing? 

I labored over how this one matched up with #2, but decided it was at least making some sad, sad attempt to promote faithfulness in couples. See the plot of this song written by Andy Grammar, who I’m assuming is a one-hit wonder because I’d certainly never heard of him until this song came out, is stated very clearly:

I think the best part about this is the way it’s worded. “I gotta be like oh baby, nah baby” makes him sound so annoyed. Like, “Ugh, I wanna bone you, but I wanna be nice to my wife or whatever, so I GUESS I’ll turn you down... Sigh...”

So this is essentially a self-fellating anthem congratulating Andy’s character for not cheating on his wife. Because, as he says,

“Yeah, babe, better men than me have cheated on their wives, so it’d be totally fine if I DID, but I’m such a Nice Dude that I won’t do it. For my wife. Smooch.”

One could argue that he’s supposed to be drunk, but let’s be real here: Being drunk doesn’t make you lie. If anything, it makes you more honest. Booze is a truth serum. Now if he had just gotten out of dental care after getting his wisdom teeth pulled and his hot lady dentist was trying to flirt with him, maybe I could imagine it making sense.

And once again, the Devil’s Advocate could say, “well if he’s being honest, then this shouldn’t be a problem, he’s faithful to his wife”, but the thing is that he’s not even totally drunk yet.

Translation: If I have another drink, I’ll be so boozed up that my honest feelings will make me want to fuck that ass.

He’s tipsy at best, which is why he’d admit to considering this at all, but if he were more drunk he’d totally fuck this assumedly more attractive woman. So for all we know he’ll go back to the club tomorrow, have one too many, and considering how well this stupid song did, he’d throw enough money at the next Cambodian prostitute he runs into to buy her a mansion.

The congratulatory tone to the music doesn’t really help, it really does feel like Grammar is sucking himself off for having the “willpower” to not be a completely terrible person. The only thing that makes it even more hilariously sad is the video of elderly couples lip-syncing to it, all the while holding up signs or wearing shirts that say how many years they’ve been together. It’s as if they’re bragging about how their marriage is bound to last way longer than the marriage in the song.

“Mildred, do you promise not to bone a random guy at the bar when I’m home?” “Only if you promise not to do that either, you rascal you.”

For all I know, Andy Grammar’s a great guy! But with only this song to go by, I’m obligated to assume that he’s a complete dildo who wears a mask of faux-Southern charm when he’s sober and avoids getting drunk so that mask doesn’t shloff off of his face like he’s a juggalo at the official sprinkler festival.

The weirdest part of this to me is that this song is so catchy we actually fell for it, if only for awhile. And its happy tone kind of makes you forget the lyrics. I almost feel like that was intentional. Like, his producers looked at the lyrics and just said, “Boys, let’s fix this shit.” It’s not even good production, it’s just really catchy! Fuck!

All in all, Honey I’m Good is about as romantic as listening to my parents argue at 12 in the morning. Not only is there no reason Andy Grammar deserves any congrats on his mediocre “feat”, but he really doesn’t seem to love his wife that much, if a shot of tequila and a scantily-clad cokewhore is enough to wreck his faith.

Numbah TWOOOOO!

What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

I’d honestly argue that Avril Lavigne’s character as a singer is equally sociopathic to that of Taylor Swift and Cher Lloyd. I feel like after Hello Kitty slaughtered her reputation and career forever, we kind of forgot how genuinely terrifying she was. She’s like every horrible thing about being a teenager squeezed into one person who’s way too old to be pretending to be a teenager. I mean, look at Girlfriend. The only thing more terrifying than Girlfriend is, well, What The Hell. 

Because, you know. That’s not a problem or anything.

Rather than the obsessive character from Girlfriend, Avril in this song is the complete opposite. She doesn’t make connections with anybody, and when she’s sick of a relationship, she’ll move onto her boyfriend’s friends, strangers, fans, non-fans, parents, teachers, Todd Howard, etcetera. So she’ll go around macking on anything she wants and then have blase, slightly annoyed reaction when her boyfriend is completely horrified by it.

(This? This is my greatest fear.)

Her disinterest really comes out in the lyrics, and her sales pitch is, basically, this is just who I am and you should fuck me even if you don’t like it. Especially since, while I hate to be the guy who says it, if this was a song by a guy, everyone would fucking hate it. I actually don’t mind the beat or the tune, honestly, I listen to this song sometimes when I’m out of music that rises above the bar of “guilty pleasure”. That almost makes this worse. Everything is delivered with the disinterest of a Future verse, as if this is just a normal thing, and looking back imagining middle school me singing along to this is pretty fucked. 

Not that I really blame this for any kind of influence on children. Honestly I don’t think anyone was really listening to the lyrics, they were just having fun. It’s fun! That’s pretty messed up.

By the way, I think this bit on the bridge says a lot about Avril as a writer (and maybe even as a person):

I love the assumption that this guy is still devoted to her after she has cheated on him and shown no remorse whatsoever. Why would he really want her back? Personally I’d say something along the lines of “fuck you, bitch, go get syphilis somewhere where it can’t be transferred to me.” Bye bye!

Really, though, the more Avril Lavigne tried to lean into her teen rebellion phase, the more I realized how old she was. And as she got older, and tried to be more rebellious, it became less endearing and more sociopathic. Maybe she’s a really nice person, but at the same time, to write a song like this, I can’t really tell. Especially when THIS is how she describes it:

Avril, you read the lyrics, right? Of course you did, you sang it. Jesus, lady.

Well, before we move onto the big weiner, let’s talk honorable mentions!

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

Surprised that Taylor didn’t make it on here? It came down to the wire, but in the end, the concept of screwing in a pile of jizzy sheets in a range rover bumped this one off the list. Still, though, Taylor’s attempts to be “relatable” end up making her sound desperate. And also Taylor’s pre-existing ideas of why she’s “better” for him than this other girl kinda remind me of...

Hide Away - Daya

I almost wish I had found space for this song since I hate it so much. But really my biggest problem with it is that Daya sings like a rubber goose and that, of course, the nicegirl/niceguy mentality needs to die and people like Daya are perpetuating it.

Don’t Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar

Yikes, dude. Just... yikes.

Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor

Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor are two beacons of sexlessness and this song does Marvin Gaye a disservice. The only reason I left it off is because it’s honestly been discussed to death, I’m almost like, tired of hearing about it. 

Side N**** - Kodak Black

This isn’t even a niceguy song, it’s literally “you should date me because I’ll shoot you and your man if you don’t”. I’d have loved to make space for it, but I don’t even want to listen to this song in full, or talk about this guy. At this point Kodak Black is keeping the fire lit with controversy. I’d like to just dump water on it.

NUMBER ONE!

Sigh. This one’s obvious enough.

Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor ft. Satan, probably

Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and say STOP, MEGHAN! STOP!

STOP!

Meghan Trainor is an artist who I actually do understand the appeal of: She appeals to white feminist teenage girls and soccer moms that still read Twilight even though their daughters are long since over it. But, sadly, that’s two demographics of people I hate, and  thus, I find myself hating everything Meghan Trainor puts out. The only remotely passable single I remember by her was Lips Are Moving. Dear Future Husband isn’t even my least favorite fucking Meghan Trainor song. (It’d probably be No, if I had to pick.) But god, if this song isn’t just... oof.

Let’s get the shoehorned feminist message out of the way:

We know you have a job, nobody’s expecting you to cook, why would you bake pies all day, who needs that many pies, no you can’t write a hook, and these views are insanely outdated for anyone who doesn’t have a Return of Kings account. So great, you have a job and can’t cook. Cool. That’s a thing with a lot of people.

Honestly the insistence that she “deserves it” even though she makes no attempt to prove herself a good wife aside from saying she’ll buy you groceries and fuck you sometimes. This song kind of lays on the assumption that you’ll do literally anything because, duh, she’s famous musician Meghan Trainor, and if you don’t do these things, YOU JUST HATE FAT GIRLS.

(Mary Lambert never pulls this shit. And she weighs more than the gold toilet you use, while you’re using it, MEGHAN.)

Honestly though, listening to Meghan Trainor songs just kind of turn me into that obnoxious guy on 4chan who unironically uses the term “feminazi” in 2018. Because really, she fits every feminist stereotype in existence, and she never says anything of any worth.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way--

Acting crazy... how?

Do we mean like, Ren & Stimpy crazy, or Avril Lavigne crazy?

Because I’m terrified it’s the latter.

Meghan kind of talks about her theoretical future husband like he’s a dog, or some other kind of animal that does badass tricks. Essentially obligating him to constantly do what she wants, when she wants it, and never disagree with her even if she’s in the wrong, because then she MIGHT fuck him. Or, uh, excuse me,

Some KISSES! :D

You like KISSES, don’t you? Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? IT’S YOU! YOU’RE A GOOD BOY!

...

[clears throat]

It doesn’t help that this song is, essentially, just a list of requests and things this guy has to do. So while Meghan can do whatever she wants, her husband is still required to do the traditionalist romance crap like buy her things, lose every argument, hold doors, accept potential insanity, and be “classy”.

Honestly, don’t let Daya and Meghan Trainor do a single together. I think the pain of hearing it will overtake my body. Like that forcible body-wracking feeling you get when you dry heave.

The best part being that I haven’t even touched on the worst line.

So like, ignoring all of the other shit, if a girlfriend or potential wife said this to me, I’d jump ship. Like, controlling every other aspect of your life wasn’t enough, she also gets to decide what people you see! So if she doesn’t really like your good friend John, then he’s banned from this house forever. And forget about seeing your grandpa. She doesn’t care if he has cancer! You fucking MISOGYNIST PIG! LOVE YOUR WIFE!

Urgh. Of course the song that combines the insanity of What The Hell with the me-me-me attitude of Treat You Better and the bored lack of emotional connection in You Was Right would top this list. I’m glad Meghan Trainor killed her own career in 2016, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle another year of these shitty faux-feminist throwback jams. Thanks, Me Too!

If I was you, I’d wanna anyone besides me, too!

Also, if anyone’s curious about ratings I’d give these, here you go.

10 - 2/5 stars. Not good enough to be mediocre.

9 - 1.5/5 stars, mostly because Lil Uzi can do better, which is half a saving grace and half a detriment.

8 - 1/5 stars. Ech.

7 - 2/5 stars. I’ll admit the Blurred Lines controversy was blown out of proportion, but it’s still not that great of a song.

6 - 3.5/5 stars. I can get down to this, it’s just... not sexy.

5 - 0/5 stars. RIP Fastball.

4 - .5/5 stars. Only because Shawn’s slurring is funny.

3 - 2/5 stars. At least it’s fun, I guess.

2 - 2.5/5 stars. Again, at least it’s enjoyable if you ignore the words.

1 - 0/5 stars. No more Meghan, please.

[auburnfamilynews]

Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

More data points leads to more confusion

Turns out you might need more than one game before making a sound judgement on a football team. Weird right?

Week 2 of the SEC schedule is in the books and it’s time to readjust some expectations and feelings for a number of teams. The top tier appears to be taking shape with Alabama, Georgia and Florida leading the way. The bottom is settling in nicely with Vanderbilt, South Carolina and Missouri all doing what they do best. Tennessee is floating in no man’s land though we will know where to place them this time next week. Then’s it’s a smorgasbord of teams who could all beat each other any day of the week.

Let’s take a look at the state of things as we enter week 3 of this bizarre 2020 SEC football season.

#1.) Alabama 2-0 (—)

SP+: 2 | FPI: 2

Last Game: 52-24 W vs Texas A&M

For just a moment there it looked like the Aggies might make the Tide sweat a bit. Then Kellen Mond did what Kellen Mond does best and Alabama buried the Aggies once again.

Per usual, this is a scary looking Alabama team with an elite offensive line, a capable QB, too many talented weapons and what might be an improved defense. This weekend we will get some answers on that defense as they take on one of the top offenses in the SEC and a former assistant who I am sure is going to have a lot of fun poking the bear this week.

Next Game: @ Ole Miss

#2.) Georgia 2-0 (—)

SP+: 4 | FPI: 4

Last Game: 27-6 W vs Auburn

Remember that one week where we thought that maybe UGA might not be good this year? That was fun right?

Georgia silenced many haters, myself included, over the weekend by lining up and bullying the Auburn Tigers. The Dawgs didn’t run anything tricky, they just trusted that rebuilt offensive line to establish a new line of scrimmage and their elite defense to suffocate the Tigers struggling offense. Both occurred and the final result doesn’t really indicate how lopsided an affair this matchup really ended up being.

Now they host another hated rival who feels they have a shot at making a statement this weekend. The Vols likely have an offensive line capable of giving their offense a chance at making some plays but I am not sure they’ve got the quarterback to get it done. We’ll see soon. I think this game will be much more competitive than the trash we saw Saturday night.

Next Game: vs Tennessee

#3.) Florida 2-0 (—)

SP+: 8 | FPI: 8

Last Game: 38-24 W vs Florida

Kyle Trask continues to put up silly numbers this year and will look to build some more Heisman hype this weekend against a reeling Aggies team. The Gators appear to have the offensive firepower to go toe to toe with anyone in the SEC. Questions linger though about this defense and its ability to get crucial stops when facing better teams. I am not sure if we get that answer or not this weekend but this should be an interesting matchup.

Next Game: @ Texas A&M

#4.) Tennessee 2-0 (+2)

SP+: 22 | FPI: 27

Last Game: 35-12 W vs Missouri

The Vols continue their climb up the rankings after quickly dismantling a likely not very good Missouri squad over the weekend. They did so mostly thanks to stout defense and a solid run game. I don’t know yet where this Tennessee team stands in the SEC but they’ve earned the right to be the top challenger to tier 1. They can legitimize that claim in Athens this weekend if they can take down the Dawgs. Jeremy Pruitt has done the exact opposite of Malzahn by building strength along BOTH lines of scrimmages. They might still be a quarterback away from truly contending but they at least have a puncher’s chance to get it done on Saturday.

Next Game: @ Georgia

#5.) Auburn 1-1 (-1)

SP+: 15 | FPI: 11

Last Game 6-27 L @ Georgia

Given that pathetic display on Saturday, I really wanted to drop the Tigers a good bit in the rankings but I couldn’t. Why? Because after you get past those first four teams, there’s a whole lot of average. Right now, the fancy algorithms appear to think Auburn is the best of that bunch.

It’s also important to remind ourselves the Tigers got whooped by a top 5 football team. Those things happen sometimes, unfortunately for Auburn fans, they tend to happen a lot in Athens.

But the Tigers don’t really get a chance to lick their wounds. A hungry Arkansas program that finally got their first SEC win in forever comes to town ready to exact revenge on two of their most hated former coaches. You better believe the Tigers will be getting their best shot.

Next Game: vs Arkansas

#6.) Texas A&M 1-1 (+1)

SP+: 19 | FPI: 19

Last Game: 24-52 L @ Alabama

So after getting blown out by the Tide this past Saturday, A&M (checks notes), uh, moves up a spot?

You see we have reached what I like to call the clusterf*** portion of the power rankings where a bunch of 1-1 teams sit with a variety of warts. I give the Aggies the nod this week only because they have played the toughest team on the schedule and I suspect quite a few other teams will have similar results against the Tide.

This will likely be temporary though with the Gators coming to town, so enjoy it while it lasts Aggie fans.

Next Game: vs Florida

#7.) Mississippi State 1-1 (-2)

SP+: 47 | FPI: 48

Last Game: 14-21 L vs Arkansas

Maybe I apologized a little too soon to State fans...

We all joked about it after the Bulldogs stunning dismantling of LSU. “It would be very Mike Leach to turn around and lose to a team that hasn’t won an SEC game in two years,” we all chuckled.

Well, only Hog fans are chuckling now and that’s a frightening thought.

The Mississippi State bandwagon is now aflame and the questions many of us had about them pre-season return. Mostly, can this offense seriously have success week in and week out in the SEC?

K.J. Costello has a frightening habit of giving the ball to the other team and an injured Kylin Hill seemed to kill the engine of this offense. They hit the road this weekend to take on a struggling Kentucky program who will do their best to play keep away. This will likely be the funniest box score of the 2020 football season

Next Game: @ Kentucky

#8.) LSU 1-1 (+1)

SP+: 20 | FPI: 13

Last Game: 41-7 W @ Vanderbilt

LSU’s climb back to the top has begun. The Tigers took care of a bad Vanderbilt team over the weekend and seemed much more settled on the defensive side of the ball with Derek Stingley Jr. back in the lineup. They looked better than the Aggies did against the Dores and the algorithms all still see this team as top 20 quality but I am going to make Ed O earn every rankings bump in penance for what was allowed two weekends ago in Death Valley.

Next Game: vs Missouri

#9.) Ole Miss 1-1 (+1)

SP+: 45 | FPI: 39

Last Game: 42-41 OT W @ Kentucky

Lane Kiffin’s Rebels are required weekly viewing as they tend to play in the most entertaining games. After losing a wild one in Gainesville, the Rebels won an even wilder one in Lexington taking down the Wildcats in overtime thanks to a missed field goal by Kentucky’s kicker.

Matt Corral has looked dangerous in this Kiffin offense and it’s clear they can put points on just about anybody. It’s also clear that defense is something this program is still very much allergic to and will ruin some chances for big time wins. Kiffin welcomes his former boss this week and I am very interested to see what this Ole Miss offense can do against a loaded Tide front. I don’t expect a Rebel victory but I wouldn’t be shocked if this game is closer than expected headed into the 4th.

Next Game: vs Alabama

#10.) Arkansas 1-1 (+4)

SP+: 68 | FPI: 59

Last Game: 21-14 W @ Mississippi State

For the first time since October 28, 2017, the Arkansas Razorbacks won an SEC football game. Not only did they end a 20 game in conference losing streak, they did it against the media darling of the prior week in Mike Leach’s Bulldogs.

Barry Odom did everything Bo Pelini didn’t and the Hogs offense were able to capitalize enough to escape with the win. They’ll take this confidence boost into Jordan-Hare Saturday hoping to embarrass their former head coach who could not accomplish in two seasons what Pittman has done in 2 games.

Next Game: @ Auburn

#11.) Kentucky 0-2 (-3)

SP+: 42 | FPI: 34

Last Game: 13-29 L @ Auburn

So uh... Is Kentucky actually bad again?

The preseason SEC East darkhorse is off to a terrible start dropping two heartbreakers to SEC West foes. For the 2nd straight weekend, Kentucky successfully drove the ball to the 1 inch line only to give it to the other team. They then went full Kentucky in overtime by missing a point after attempt. Needless to say, the ‘Cats are in need of something good happening fast.

Maybe that’s this weekend? Two completely opposite styles clash as Mike Leach’s Air Raid attack invades Kroger Field to take on Mike Stoops’s keep-away, ground & pound system. One team might not throw for more than 125 yards. The other might not rush for 20. For pure entertainment purposes this is a must watch contest Saturday.

Next Game: vs Mississippi State

#12.) South Carolina 0-1 (—)

SP+: 44 | FPI: 46

Last Game: 24-38 L @ Florida

Don’t really know what to think about this Gamecock team. They show flashes of being competent and they sure has hell fight hard till the bitter end but it’s clear they are a step below talent wise across the board right now in the SEC.

Will Muschamp is staring a 2 win season in the face right now if he can’t find some way to get either much better at scoring points or much better at preventing points from being scored. Right now, there isn’t one thing this Gamecock team does well enough that you can point to that as a reason for them to win any given Saturday. This weekend is crucial if they have any hope of getting off the mat in 2020.

Next Game: @ Vanderbilt

#13.) Missouri 0-2 (-1)

SP+: 48 | FPI: 63

Last Game: 12-35 L @ Tennessee

I didn’t really know what to expect from this Missouri team this fall. It turns out I should of expected very bad football...

The Tigers for the 2nd straight week were outclassed across the board by a superior opponent. That trend won’t change this weekend with a trip to Death Valley against an LSU team hungry to rebuild its image.

In terms of worst schedules to start the season, it’s hard to argue that Mizzou got the rawest of deals. Alabama, Tennessee & LSU is not exactly the smoothest way to break in a new head coach.

Next Game: @ LSU

#14.) Vanderbilt 0-2 (—)

SP+: 115 | FPI: 92

Last Game: 7-41 L vs LSU

Well I hope you enjoyed that week at #13 Dores because I doubt you ever return this season...

After putting up a valiant effort against the Aggies in Kyle Fied, Vanderbilt got smacked around by a pissed off LSU football team in Nashville this past Saturday. Luckily, they get one of their two best shots at winning a game this season with the Gamecocks coming to town. Arkansas got off the schnide last week, is it the Commodores turn this week?

Next Game: vs South Carolina

War Eagle!

from College and Magnolia - All Posts https://www.collegeandmagnolia.com/2020/10/5/21501644/sec-power-rankings-week-3

[iwritesexyromance-blog]

  Let me start this review by declaring that I am a huge fan of author Liane Moriarty. She has a way of weaving certain words and details into her stories with a technique that leaves me awestruck every time. I read her book Big Little Lies last summer and was excited when the mini-series with Reese Witherspoon was announced for February 2017!

After reading the book and watching the miniseries, I decided to do a comparison between the book and the mini-series to see which one I liked more. Please be aware that this, unlike my other book reviews, will contain spoilers towards the end. Proceed with caution if you are intending to read this book, which I highly recommend you do!

First off, this was probably my favorite book by Liane Moriarty to date. I will say that the ending left me mad, but only because I didn’t figure out the plot twist on my own. Looking back once it was done, I started to see the subtle clues left by Moriarty all throughout the book. She really is a master storyteller with an incredible talent for keeping you hooked until the absolute end of the book.

A plot summary of the book may help a bit to get things started. (No spoilers just yet) The book is based around three women. The first is Madeline Mackenzie, a strong woman with no filter. She speaks her mind at every opportunity and is a force to be reckoned with. She and her first husband (Nathan) are divorced, though Nathan happens to live in the same town with his much younger free spirited wife (Bonnie) and their child (Skye). Madeline is also remarried to Ed and together they have had two children, one being the same age as Skye.

Madeline carries a lot of rage towards Nathan. In her mind, he abandoned Madeline and the daughter they share, Abigail, because he claimed being a parent was just too hard. Later on when he marries the much younger Bonnie and starts a family with her, Madeline is faced with many of the same emotions she failed to work out previously. It certainly doesn’t help matters when Abigail forms a bond with Bonnie. This bond causes Madeline to fear that her emotional grasp on Abigail may be slipping right out of her own hands. Ed, Madeline’s current husband, does his very best to understand the emotion turmoil his wife finds herself in. He knows that Madeline’s feelings range from cheerful to rage and that they can swing as the wind blows, but this is just how Madeline is and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Celeste, the next central female lead in this story, is far different from the brash and bold Madeline. Celeste is far more reserved and, for lack of a better term, tends to space out at times. In the book, Madeline and Celeste become close friends when a near drowning brings them together. Celeste had taken her twin sons to swimming lessons and was off in her own world when one of the boys happens to wander away during the lesson and nearly drowns. Madeline, dressed as stylish as ever, doesn’t hesitate and jumps in fully clothed to save Celeste’s son. From that point on, a friendship blossoms and they become thick as thieves. No matter Celeste’s comfort level with Madeline, she never reveals a secret she has become very good at hiding.

Jane, the third in our trio of female leads, is new to the small coastal Australian town. She’s a young single mother who is often mistakenly thought of as a nanny and not mother to her son. Her son, Ziggy, is her world and she makes it clear that raising him is her mission alone since Ziggy’s father has never been a part of his life.

The story begins as the three women prepare for their children’s’ kindergarten orientation in December. (Schools start in January in Australia due to their seasons being opposite ours.) On Orientation day, an encounter with a bully leads to a confrontation between parents. There was an attempt to choke a sweet little girl by the name of Amabella (and that is not a typo; the name is French as indicated in the book). Ambella’s mother, Renata, happens to be as fierce as Madeline is and understandably wants to know who was responsible for this attack. When the little girl, Amabella, points to Ziggy, Jane’s son, lines are immediately drawn in the sand. Madeline takes sides with Jane, pulling Celeste in with her, while Renata vows vengeance for her daughter. Tensions further rise when Ziggy, questioned about the incident with Amabella, denies ever hurting her and Jane doesn’t make him apologize for something he didn’t do.

When school starts the following January, both mothers and their children don’t allow the incident to rest. Renata does all she can to makes sure Ziggy is singled out. When invitations for Amabella’s birthday party are handed out, everyone receives one except Ziggy.

Madeline is outraged by Renata’s actions and decides to take matters into her own hands. She soon organizes an outing to Disney on Ice for the entire kindergarten class, which happens to fall on the very same day as Amabella’s birthday party! This leads Renata and Madeline into a stand off that continues throughout the book.

(Now, if you haven’t read the book and want to, I suggest you stop reading at this point!)

The character of Madeline Mackenzie was described in the book as a taller woman with brown hair. That is a far cry from Reese Witherspoon, who played the dynamic character of Madeline. However, after watching the show, I can’t imagine anyone else playing Madeline. Reese was phenomenal and every bit the sassy character that Madeline Mackenzie is portrayed as in the book.

Another difference I noticed with the portrayal of Madeline was that in the book, she and her current husband Ed share two children, a boy and a girl, together.  The character of Chloe, Madeline’s daughter with Ed, is in the same class as Ziggy and they end up becoming good friends.   The son Madeline shares with Ed was not included in the HBO mini-series. Frankly, he wasn’t that necessary for the story line of the show, so it didn’t surprise me that his character was cut.

Nicole Kidman portrayed Celeste and, at first, this was hard for me to imagine. In the book, Celeste is painted as a younger, more naive woman who falls victim to her abusive husband. The idea of a younger character made more sense when trying to understand how someone would allow herself to become a victim. (More on that later.) The choice to use Kidman in this role did work within the plot of show and it lead to some very steamy scenes in the mini-series.

Jane was the one character who in my mind was represented by the actress I pictured, Shailene Woodley. This was by far the most accurate character representations based on the details from the author. In the book, Jane’s parents were vital characters in her life since she was such a young mother. Jane begins a kindred relationship with Madeline, as Madeline understands what it is like to be a single mother at a young age. (A big difference here is that in the book we learn that Madeline promise Jane’s mother, Mrs. Chapman that she will look out for Jane.)

HBO’s version follows the plot at the beginning of the book fairly closely. The major difference at the onset is that the show takes place in Monterey, California whereas the book takes place in Australia.

There aren’t too many differences in the book/show for the first half of the mini series. After the third of seven episodes, fans of the book should start to become aware of some majors differences. Madeline works at the local community theatre and the production she has been working on side by side with the director is in fear of being shut down due to its content. This detail is not in the book, but it is a fun twist given that Renata is the one pulling the strings behind the scenes to make life for Madeline all the more challenging. Celeste, a non-practicing lawyer, is asked to represent the play at Madeline’s request. This causes a great divide between Celeste and Perry because Perry is controlling and doesn’t want his wife to work. The mini-series also includes an affair between Madeline and the director of the production, though she remains faithful throughout the book to Ed.

Jane reveals to Madeline both in the show and book that a man previously sexually assaulted her when she was younger. The product of that night is Ziggy. Jane immediately becomes fearful when Ziggy is accused of hurting Amabella. Her concern is that violence runs through her son’s veins because of his father’s actions.

In the book, Madeline learns that Jane’s attacker’s name is Saxon Banks. When Madeline shares this information with Celeste, she is outraged because this is the name of Perry’s cousin who happens to also be Perry’s best friend.   The name of the attacker in the show was changed to Saxon Baker and there was never any inclination of him being related to Perry.

Abigail, Madeline’s daughter from her first marriage to Nathan, is working on a secret project in both the book and the show.  Due to Bonnie’s influence and her bohemian ways, Abigail makes the decision to auction off her virginity to the highest bidder in an attempt to raise money for Amnesty International. That was just as shocking in the book as it was in the show!

Madeline’s reaction was just as extreme and as humorous as you’d expect (the same reaction I’m sure most people would have!). Due to the way Madeline’s character is portrayed, I couldn’t’ help but laugh at her take on this serious issue. Obviously the idea is beyond ludicrous, yet it somehow manages to convey a very serious undertone regarding the character of Abigail. On the show, Abigail shuts the site down on her own but in the book it is only shut down once a man from the United States offers Amnesty International one hundred thousand dollars to have the auction terminated before the intended completion. Abigail ends up raising a substantial amount of money for her cause and still keeps her virginity intact, much to the delight of Madeline.   However, the person behind this large donation is closer to Madeline than anyone suspects.  (The anonymous donor is another tidbit of information not found in the mini-series.)

Coming back to the lives of Amabella and Skye in which there is continued abuse occurring to both girls as the school year moves along. Both girls are still being bullied and everyone is quick to jump to the conclusion that Ziggy is still behind it all. (Both shown in the show and book.)  Ziggy soon becomes the target of a petition to have him expelled, though there are never any eyewitness accounts to support the accusation that he is the one hurting the girls. What is most shocking of all is the fact that Ziggy and Amabella, against all odds, have become good friends and Amabella continues to refuse to identify who is hurting her.

Another commonality between both the book and the mini-series is an annual school fundraiser hosted by the PTA. The event might closely relate a dance or a ball and this year’s theme happens to be Elvis Presley and Audrey Hepburn. Parents are encouraged come dressed as either of these two figures but I have never seen an event quite as spectacular as described in the book and portrayed in the mini-series. Of course the city of Monterey exudes money, thus being the reason the event is over the top.

As everyone begins to arrive at the ball, Perry and Celeste are shown having an epic fight at home in both the book and the show. It is not uncommon for their fights to become physical. Celeste is abused throughout the book and series. She does all she can to fight back, though she often does so only in self-defense. She never fears for her life until later on when it is revealed the actual bully who has been targeting the girls is one of Celeste’s twin sons.

Celeste is quick to make the connection between her son’s behavior and that of her husband’s and knows that she needs to get her children away from their father as soon as possible. It is after she has secured an apartment that Perry happens to answer her cell and learns of Celeste’s plan to leave him. All of this is happening as both the book and the mini-series continue to steamroll their way to the fundraiser being attended by the entire town.

On the night of the fundraiser, Perry confronts Celeste and begs her to give him one more chance. We know the same as Celeste that they have already tried counseling and even their current counselor is in favor of Celeste’s plans to leave Perry.

(The following is from the book)

When they arrive at the fundraiser, (in the book) Perry is upset but keeps his emotions at bay. Celeste finds Renata and Bonnie to apologize for her son’s behavior towards their daughters, vowing to get him help and to break the cycle of abuse. Soon everyone is on the balcony together, including Renata, Celeste, Jane, Madeline, Bonnie along with Perry, Nathan and Ed. Here, Celeste reveals to Madeline that she is the one who donated one hundred thousand dollars to Amnesty International in order to have Abigail’s site shut down. Nathan thanks Celeste and Perry for their generosity, not knowing that Perry is a controlling and abusive jerk who would not be happy to have his money spent like that without his knowledge or permission.

Once Perry fully grasps what Celeste has done, he makes a jab at her about how she likes to keep secrets like the apartment she just acquired. Celeste does all she can to keep this occasion civil and tries to introduce him to the people on the balcony he has never met before. As Perry continues to argue with Celeste, Jane approaches the couple.

It is in the moment, Jane says, “I already know you.” That is all Jane needs to say before Celeste comes to a bombshell of a conclusion regarding her husband. Celeste now realizes that Perry really was Saxon Banks, the man that had assaulted Jane earlier on. This also makes him the actual father of Ziggy! As Celeste puts two and two together, she then begins to realize that Perry had given his cousin’s name to Jane on the night of the assault and had probably done the same to an untold number of other women in the past. Celeste, in that moment, understands his abuse was not merely a private detail they shared together, though these encounters often led very passionate sex. She always assumed his abuse that manifested itself into hot and fervent sex was something they shared together and was just part of their relationship.

Perry knows he’s been busted, but he claims he doesn’t understand why Celeste is so upset. This is when she realizes that Perry is far sicker than she’d ever imagined. Perry says they will talk about all of this at home, but, after she says something to him, he backhands her in front of the others around them. As Ed comes to her defense, Renata picks up her phone to call the cops. Bonnie completely flips out on Perry and accuses him of being the actual reason his son is hurting innocent girls.   As she draws closer to him, Bonnie unintentionally pushes Perry off the balcony. The fall is just enough that Perry ultimately dies from the impact.

Renata tries to cover up Bonnie’s role in Perry’s death. Ed wants to tell the cops the truth of what occurred, but Madeline goes along with the idea of protecting her ex husband and his wife.   Ed is livid and feels betrayed that Madeline chooses to protect Nathan over what her own husband wants her to do. (The scene that shows the hurt that this causes Ed in the book is pinnacle to the story line the book follows and is quite dramatic.)

This is when it is revealed that Bonnie’s father had abused her earlier in life. This is what caused her to lose it when she realized Perry was the reason that his son was abusing and bullying her daughter. The guilt of what Bonnie’s done doesn’t take long to become too great and she eventually confesses to killing Perry.

Celeste later leaves town with her sons to start over and take another chance at life. Before she leaves, she sets up a trust for Ziggy since he was in actuality Perry’s son. Jane begins a romance and Madeline is forgiven by her husband for siding with Nathan over him.

(This is from the Mini-Series)

With the mini-series, when the showdown started on the balcony, it was just Renata, Celeste, Jane and Madeline. When Perry started to beat Celeste, Bonnie saw what was going on and came to Celeste’s rescue. Instead of falling off the balcony, Bonnie shoves Perry down the stairs. She never confesses to the murder and all the women covered up the death together. The mini-series ends with all the ladies, including Renata and Bonnie, on the beach playing with their children.

As for which version was better, I’d have to go with the book. It’s no secret that a book nearly always contains a great deal of information that was left out of the film adaptation. However, with that being said, the mini-series did a great job bringing the characters to life. Though the book lends its way to the imagination of a few steamy love scenes, the show reveals a very R-rated production. I absolutely loved the opening credits and the theme song was so catchy that I continued to hum it to myself long after the seventh episode had finished. I just wish that the ending of the series were true to form with that of the book. If you have a chance, please share any differences that I may have left out. I hope you check out the book and the mini-series. It is time that won’t be wasted!

    Big Little Lies Book/Mini-Series Review Let me start this review by declaring that I am a huge fan of author Liane Moriarty.