#and AND the gall of saying “im not pressuring you im letting you do this in your own time id just appreciate it if you hurried up”

[globodamorte]

I feel awful...

[riewritten]

do you ever think of a very street smart Erwin and the reader who is clueless about stuffs (me fr). like im very new with the whole having a more independent life comparing to how i used to and the more i experience the more i realized life is so much more than hoping life will go smoothly bc it doesnt. so i wonder in what circumstances would reader with this certain personality would encounter Erwin and how do they become part of eachother's lives? im speaking out of my insecurity but like. i've alws imagined Erwin as a calculating, observant person who wouldn't let anyone step on him, who knows when someone is intending to use him or fool him into dumb stuffs. This particular reader is quite the contrast. That's why when I imagine self indulgent stuffs I would go like this will NOT be okay how can a person like me get close to a person like him???

so i wanna know your thoughts abt this situation!! no pressure tho!!! like for example in particular how will these two contrasting ppl meet and why do they maintain the relationship? for what purpose? what if the reader shares same goals and ambitions with him? i fr have so many questions but they wouldn't make sense once they go outta my mouth 😔

hehe i just wanna tell u something i have in mind you really don't have to do anything with it!! thank you!!!

oh chau, this was such a sweet prompt. i can still remember how bad i was giggling inside the hospital room 🤭 i hope i gave this one justice!

WEEKEND LESSONS

ERWIN X GEN NEUTRAL!READER, ERWIN X YOU, NO Y/N

TAGS: modern college AU, fluff, slice of life :)

WORDS: 2.1k

Erwin could have too much to say, too many plans to execute, and more heaps of too's that renders him as overwhelming; but he, for once in his life, tried to tone it down and act in normalcy. Just like a little shark swimming alongside a school of fish, pretending ever so silently to avoid alarming its company.

Oh, bet you thought you were the only one who felt the jitters, didn't you?

He did at some point, too — at some point he might never admit. 

And when he's a few steps away from becoming a professor, he ponders about quitting. What was once a dream inspired by his father is now deemed a big fish imparting the same alienation to smaller fishes. He's getting quite sick of it. Pretending without a solid goal was never his forte. 

Perhaps it was your naivety that warranted a reconsideration.

It started when you went to the teacher's table and approached him instead of the professor in charge, "I think I'd opt to ask a fellow student instead of that old man," you sheepishly answered when he asked, "he's so scary — why do professors love to be scary? And you honestly seem to be way smarter than he is."

"Am I, now?" he feigned surprise with amusement still palpable, "And if he hears this first thing in the morning, what then?"

"Tell him what? That you're smarter than him?"

You were curious, quite amazed even, that he might have the gall to confront the professor about his substandard intellect.

"What do you need help with?"

You flashed him a book and flipped the pages on the particular article. "Whenever our prof asks you to pitch something, you always have additional things to say in this topic. And for some reason, the more you overtake the discussion, the more I become interested too!" You weren't able to help yourself, and that's what Erwin could see very well — eyes almost sparkling, giddy composure, and a very drawn demeanor. 

Erwin was never oblivious to his ability of drawing people's interest if he wants to, but to see someone this enthusiastic about it?

How intriguing.

Is intriguing the right word for it?

No. Oh, no.

He thought you were cute. Spare him the cliché nuances but it's been a while since he thought of someone as cute.

"And look," you scooted nearer and pointed at a page. "The author who wrote this is a Smith. Don't tell me you actually ghost wrote this? Is that why you tackled the topic so well?"

Erwin was not smiling when you went to him but now he lost the will to hide it. 

"You're really that great? Oh my, to ghost write one of my major—"

"My father. He's the one who wrote that article."

Your eyes widened and mouth formed a perfect O. Then there came a slow nod. Followed suit with another gasp. It ended with a smile — happy, much more enthusiastic smile. "Then I just came to the right person! Do tell me more!"

The dynamic then started. A very curious undergraduate, fresh in the field, and a book smart from masters, freshly burnt out, ain't an unusual dynamic to create, after all.

The supposed module written by his dad about visual communication theory was eventually followed with more diverse issues. At first, Erwin playfully asked for a collateral in exchange for his knowledge. Before you meet at the library, he'd have you treat him a parfait. If he went an all nighter with his thesis, his request upon your daily meeting would be an iced Americano. In time, the small sweets became favors. In exchange for info dumping about the French revolution and the World War (you have no idea how perplexed Erwin was at reawakening this childhood habit — everyone thought it was annoying!) you must allot a whole weekend to see him. You, so dumbly drawn over what the slimy curves of his brain could offer in humanity, never deemed it as dates. If anything, it was weekend classes on your end.

At this point, cute is becoming an understatement for him.

He played along nonetheless. He has an ulterior motive, after all — a space in his brain to accommodate more knowledge, a space intended for you. Who are you? What's inside your head aside from curiosity and willingness to cater his blabbers? What do you want to do aside from listening to him? Why do you — despite the vigor to know about the world — opt to stay as a measly listener? Why, despite your concern in human's darkly inherent nature of using others for its own gain, don't mind too much when he teases you into doing dumb favors for his benefit? 

That's what binds him to you the way you bind yourself to him. Erwin feels as though he's speaking into a smiling void, and if there's an unknown void — a gorgeous intriguing one at that — who else would be the most eager to explore it if not him?

When both of you went to the newly built Japanese convenience store and saw a pack of onigiri that piqued your cravings, Erwin finally noticed a quirk. 

And Erwin — for the most time he's been playing around your obliviousness — finally thought of taking things seriously upon noticing it.

You didn't ask him for help even if the onigiri wrap had broken and you were forced to shove all the rice into your mouth. Just like how you didn't ask for his assistance when he noticed your difficulty adjusting to university life every semester. You don't ask something that requires his action, attention, and guidance. You seek nothing of him but his blabbers, his info dump, and every measly thought coming out of his mouth. Nothing more, nothing less.

He bought you another onigiri, taught you how to properly unwrap it as both of you walked, and shoved the rest in your mouth thereafter. You groaned but he just said, "You're not just a listening outlet. Ask people for help if you need it."

You took your time chewing (angrily so) before responding, "No. I'll be way more out of your league if I let that happen."

Erwin halted his steps, "Come again?" 

"I'm no match for you. If you realize how naive and easily fooled and clumsy I really am, then things will start to get annoying on your end. Let me impose myself as someone knowledgeable, independent, and all the things that you are, okay."

Oh no.

Erwin let his face flat in utter hope that you wouldn't notice the corner of his lips shaking. He wants to chuckle, to tease you, to coo as he finally cups your cheek and kisses your forehead because of how plainly and dumbly adorable that statement was. He already knows how naive, easily fooled, and clumsy you really are. He's the one who would before anyone else.

Above anything, though, Erwin was pleased, very pleased because he unleashed a facet of you. Finally, finally revealing something about you aside from a perfect company for his eccentricity. The fact that this facet of you is also frustrated at the possibility of losing him gave him a tremendous gush of warmth — gushing, gushing, and gushing towards the unstoppable urge of offering a proposition.

"The only time naivety can be bad is when people start taking advantage of it, and even then it would not be your fault."

"It will be my fault!" you disagreed, "and it will be a hassle for you who's so used to being so independent! Don't you think I've been childish and irritating all along?"

"How so?"

You gave him a puzzled look, there's no way he seriously didn't think of that.

"How so?" He took a step nearer.

"Someone as brightly independent as you are would not deem people like me so pleasantly," you cut yourself off from that. For all the times you had listened to Erwin, you just know how he would debunk what you just said. "T-that's what I initially thought, hence the question."

"You didn't answer my question." The proximity tightened. Erwin was not smiling, not a hint of amusement plastered on his face too. Only an inquiry, or perhaps a resolve to shatter how low you deem yourself. "Am I childish for not hesitating with my blabbers? Do I come off as irritating when I ask you out during a weekend like this?"

"No, you would never!"

"How do you see those, then?"

"I am fond of it, that's why I stick with you until now. I am—" Heat crept up your face. You realized where he's headed, and with his resolute yet patient face you just know he won't let you have your way out of this. "I am… fond of your eccentricities. Even if people find it annoying."

"Uh-huh," the sharp blonde also sensed your awareness, hence his tone came more urging. "How do you think I see you then?"

Your cheeks puffed and eyes averted from his, perhaps your futile attempt of resisting something he had already established very well.

Erwin repeated as he called your name, "How do you think I see you?"

"Tolerable," you uttered weakly.

He let out a strained chuckle, "Really? You really would opt for that word?"

"It's getting cold, Erwin. Let's just—"

"Am I just someone tolerable for you, hm?"

His tone was, in fact, a well-defining factor that he very much knew the answer.

He knows you like him, just like the bright sharp man that he is.

"Look at me."

You did, though with a slight glare. 

A stern command followed, "Answer my question."

"You know the answer."

"Answer my question."

"I like you! You're not just someone tolerable. I like you. But!" You still tried to argue, "I'm not the same as you are, not as redeeming as you are, not on par with your league, and even though I sound like someone with inferiority complex, I see this as a serious glaring factor. I'm just—" you frustratingly sighed, "—not someone really dependable and compatible with you, Erwin. Not with the likes of you."

"The empathy, the headspace to handle my company when most deem it as overwhelming, the willingness to stay despite the pile of eccentricities, all with genuine interest — you say that as if I never find these as the most endearing."

Your cheeks tightened further. The hot feeling compensated for the outside cold. You looked at him with surprise, only to be met with resolute eyes.

"You had an inkling about my affection but chose to ignore it because of how you see our relationship," upon observing your further surprise, he added. "And now you're finally realizing how wrong that is."

"I'm sorry."

He stayed silent.

You took a step forward and tugged the end of his sleeve, "I'm sorry, Erwin."

But he's not angry. He's still more pleased than angry. He won't let you out of this without gaining a worthwhile result, after all.

"Despite listening to me most of the time, you still seem to assume a lot of things."

"I know."

He raised his brows, face softened but still taunting, "And what does that mean?"

"You win this one now, okay. I'm sorry. Don't get angry now."

"Oh, I know. I sure won this one."

The supposed glare was quickly replaced by surprise when he cupped your cheeks and kissed the tip of your nose. 

"Right?" he whispered.

Here he goes, as bright as he usually is. The collateral exchange for his knowledge, the sweet treats turned into sweet favors on the weekends. You really did treat your time with him as classes, but he was a subject you very much loved to tackle. And if you're apparently someone who could lovingly coexist with him despite your unredeeming qualities, then you'd gladly give him the honor.

You defeatedly sighed, "You always do, Erwin. You always do."

He hummed and held the tip of your chin with his fingers. Before going for the lips, he whispered, "Can I get my reward now?"

Oh, you felt your heart swell. As his broad rough hands play around your waist, you tipped his head to your level and ever so slowly, indulged on his win. He took it with sweet vigor — pulled you towards him as if he couldn't have you any nearer — and cupped your cheek much harsher than earlier. He didn't stop until you were seeking air. When he let go, he gave your swollen lower lip a small peck.

"Have you accepted my apology, though?"

Erwin chuckled lowly and buried his head at the crook of your neck. His large build sought support — leaning on you with arms engulfing your waist. He kissed a spot on your neck and replied, "I earned my win fairly. Earn my forgiveness with the same competence."

"What should I do for the smartest man in humanity to forgive me?"

"Let the smart ass love you for all he could."

🏷 @watyousayin :) | SUBSCRIBE HERE

[nodadnochance]

Why my brother is an awful person.

I am childless. I am 29, 30 very soon. I am getting old!!! (i half joke, 30 is hardly old but it's not exactly young and naive anymore - or maybe i dunno, i am naive and just don't realize it, right?) My brother is mid to late 30s, probably around 36 or 37. He has 3 children. He has left them.

I think he is scum. Would it of been so hard for him to stick around for the next decade so his kids can become old enough to have had their development process happen with their dad in their lives? Physically.

He now is living back at home with my mum, he sees his kids 2-4 times a week. Which is more than a lot of kids have. But it still makes me angry. Why Angry? Why do I care what my brother does with his family? His kids? I care because it's the same fucking cycle.

Our dad left us, now he has done the same to them.

And now those kids are struggling.

Look, Im not saying itsall his fault. but its all his fault. Actually, it really was his fault. He cheated on his wife. then he had the gall to say "well she kicked me out". fuck you! You put the pressure on her to decide how to relationship goes so that you could blame her for breaking things up.

By contrast, my mother cheated on my father - but my mother has never blamed my father for leaving. She always says she is to blame and i say to her "no your not". I have yet to tell her "look, you stuck around. He didn't. Whether anyone cheated or not, is not really relevant to me as a child - I didn't care if anyone cheated. i just wanted my parents with me growing up"... i will tell her next time she eludes to this sentiment...

It makes me angry because I see how my neices and nephews are struggling to cope wit this big change. They are probably ages 8 tto around 13. Maybe bit younger. They are not enjoying this. I had my neices kicking and stamping on MY feet in the supermarket just before christmas 2023.... now, they were playing, just messing around - right? But think about it like this. I look like my brother, i sound like him, i am similar to him. Were they taking out aggression on their father through me? It's a possibility. They don't deserve to lose their dad just cos he wanted to go "have fun".

And now look. He is living back home with me and my mother. He is with his new girlfriend. He is playing in a band. He has a job he loves (he struggled to find this job). He is doing so well for himsefl! but hey, guess what - Your kids are not. They miss you. You absolute cretin.

When you have kids, you dont get to "have fun". You dont get to just fuck off with another women. When you have kids, you stick around and raise them. EVERY DAY. Every morning, evening evening and night time. Every weekend. All the time. They are your everything for that 18-20 year period. Once they are all grown up and on their way to move out (once they start having a plan for their 20s) THEN you can fuck off and go "be happy" Let me explain why I think like this. He wants to enjoy his late 30s and 40s right? sure. fine. We all deserve to be happy. But in exchange for his hpapiness now, he has doomed all three of his children to a life of abandonment. Or misery. of Feeling unloved and unwelcome on this earth. Why? Because the one person who should've stuck around, didn't. They wont care about his relationship with his wife. They wont care about the excuses. They wont listen and they wont care. What they care about is the love for them didn't win over his hatred for his wife or his inability to make things work.

this world is full of people who make excuses for their shitty decisions. And his excuse is "well she wanted me gone" so he can lay the blame on her becuase he cheated. In reality he is gone becuase he fucked another women when he had 3 kids at home.

I hope one day he can just admit to himself, if not his kids - that their childhood is ruined because of him.

It's what happened to me. And it's whats happening to them.

I don't truly have any ill intention or feeling towards my brother as a person. But my need to speak up for his kids, who probably are unable to process what is going on, triumphs. It's disgusting that they probably take decades to figure out why the feel so awful - just as it has been for me and all 3 of my brothers. We all feel it.This brother in question will deny how much it effected him - but it's clear as day. He is still suffering from the "being lied to" problem which i wrote about in my last post. He still thinks "well dad was kinda around, he did his best" and he still puts the feelings of our Dad and step mum before his own. He never has spoken about how it effected him. EVER. and by not speaking it meant he didn't understand and now he has done to them what happened to him,me and all my brothers.

If i said any of this to him, he'd defend my dad and step mum. He'd deny my feelings and say "you cannot feel that way, because if you feel that thne tat upsets dad" and so again, it'll be that my dads feelings and my stepmums feeling comes before mine. The story of my life since I was 6 years old.

I know I probably come across as very strident or aggressive here. but you must understand (if anyone is reading?). I have kept this all bottled up since a child. I've been through a lot of emotional suffering over the past 23 years. And it's all becoming clear to me why. and I need to write this stuff out as naturally as I can. It's time I started being honest with my feelings, right? And not being scared of being told off for hurting someone elses feelings.

I was lied to. Dad didn't "stick around". he left me. He doesn't give a shit. You could say he simply doesn't understand and is ignorant of the effect it had on me. but im sick and tired of making excuses for him. I am upset, angry and feel abandoned by him.

And every friend of mine that didn't have their dad, is like me. We all yhave the same fucking emotional problems, same fucked up drug dependancies, same feelings of fear and nnot feeling loved by anyone. My frined says he only feels love from his dogs. Which you could "well thats pretty normal". and if you say that, fuck you. He is a human and he has a heart of gold. He does feel loved, but it has to be re-inforced constantly for him to feel it. And when he gets in abusive relationships - he thinks he deserves that abusive relationshp. Why? Becuase when your dad leaves you when your young, it creates this deep rooted feeling of feeling unloved and worse - unlovable. IF you in your most infant state is not lovable, then you could never be lovable.

Being an adult and seeing how adults disregard the feelings of those who are too young to understand - kills me. It happened to me, i know what its like.

I am childless, so what do I know right? Well, what I know is that since I started being honest about how I feel about my Dad - my mental health "therapy" has made a lot of progress. I've learnt that the link between me and all my fked up friends is the no dad present. I've learnt the reason I gravitate towards bad guys, is I have no fucking dad.

In fact, I was reading about "this is england" earlier and it mentioned their something about how the character in the story, has no dad. And it's this lack of a father figure that leads people down these awful roads.

I watched so much fucked up shit over the past 10 years. Nothing illegal of course but just right wing crap. I never believed I was racist nor homophobic or anything - in fact, i found it all just funny. I never once agreed with the bigots - but I wanted to be around them (on podcats and such). I wanted to be part of that "thing". I wanted to belong. I wanted to be apart of something which wouldn't just abandoned me.

This is my life. It's my emotions.

I am not blaming anyone for my actions or what I've done just as I wouldn't give them credit for the good things I've done. However, my life is one where I never spoke about my feelings towards my Dad because of early childhood experiences where I was taught to not express myself or talk about how I feel. Where as my sister, who is my dads daughter - is always encouraged to talk about her feelings and how she feels.

So that is proof that HE HAS IT WITHIN HIM. but not for me.

I want to write the words. I hate him. I don't mean hate, but I don't know how else to express the dislike I have for how he has denied my emotions all my life. I don't want to hurt him, emotionally, but I want him to understand the hurt I feel. How the hell do I tell him the hurt I feel without accidently hurting him? That is the challenge I face.

Another thing I'm angry at my dad and step mum for is the way they turned me against my mum. They always talk so badly of her and they plaed on the fact I didn't ge ton with her fully. If I argued with her, they'd encouage me to move out and get away from her and suc hthings.

They didn't try to help heal my relationship with my mum, they stoked the flames all under the guise of being my friend.

That's my mum and my mum ALWAYS has had my back. from day 1 to today. I literally will hand her £100 rent (which is absolutely fuck all) and she'll hand me back £50. That's my mum. She is 1 in a million. and the fact they cant see how amazing she is, makes me well, i dont care actually - thats their loss. But it makes me angry they thought they could turn me against her.

it makes me angry they always talk about her in a negative light when im there. and they talk about her likes shes stupid or just too angry or unstable. They are nasty little bullies and i guess, sometimes, we buddy buddy up with bullies without realising it.

That women, my step mum, is a homewrecker. Plain and simple.

and it feels good to finally admit thats how i feel

I would never say these things to their face. As iI say, I do not want to hurt them (emotionally or ofc otherwise. violence is not my MO. I attacked 2 people n my life when I was a child and I was defending friends who were being bullied - i regret both instances as I felt embaressed for letting myself lose control)

/ I wouldn't want my dad nor step mum to be upset. But I'd love them to know how I feel.

I'd love my brother to know how it feels. He was a child too, he should know. But he just pretends like it doesn't effect him. I know he has feelings, his problem is he is a coward. But then so am I and so are all my brothers. We're all cowrads. Scared to tell our dad what he did to us fucked up us royally. He fucked off with another women to start a new family... and then his new child, my half-sister, has a life full of love, understanding and everything a child needs. They take interest in her life.

He nevre took interest in our life. In fact my mum had to force him to go to my college open evening and he was complaining the whole time. I wish he didn't come. I remember him getting in the car and saying something like "I bet ur mother said i dont care. right?" and made a joke about it... setting the tone for the evening that it's all about HIM and HIS feelings.

"fuck you" is what i should've said to him.

but i was scared.

maybe next time ill write about the time he attacked me. it only happened one time, but it was fucking terrifying.

[ruralbi]

Ok so lots happened. I've been breaking up with my boy best friend. I told him we ain't having sex no more, gave in twice (asked him to sleep in my bed) and he rejected me twice. Great life. I do choose to believe that he's just respecting my wishes in rejecting me, and not just bein like nah don't feel like it.

It's been a hell of a rollercoaster. But that's just attempt number 1834749 of trying to not fuck him.

What, do u ask, really prompted this post.

This bitch is out there partying with his bros. All good. He texts me "yo wassup" EXACT QUOTE.

I call him all what u want. He says don't call me unless it's an emergency. BITCH YOU TEXTED ME.

Clearly all his douchebag friends got on his case abt him picking up the phone to answer to his house faggot cause a bit later he texted me "can me and my best bro come sleep at yours" and I'm like sure :) CAUSE IM A FUCKIN IDIOT. And I say something like I'll even take a break from my puzzle to come say hi! (Bc I'm secretly the biggest dork)

And he's like oh my best bro (name redacted) wants more than just a break!

And I'm like that sounds kinda sketchy but I'm sure im just being paranoid. So I say whatever come over if u want. He's like send a message to convince him to come over. And say sorry sir, if he doesn't wanna come over u shouldnt pressure him! Leave the poor man alone to sleep at his house rather than drag him all over the county to drink!

He says nah he wants to come over he just needs motivation. So I, like the absolute clown that I am, send something along the lines of well we got wine and vodka and a fireplace if you boys wanna light it.

Looking back I wanna brain myself. He really says jump I say how high. And he has the gall to text back "yeah but can we sleep with you?"

Bitch YOU'RE not even supposed to sleep in my bed anymore, what makes u think I suddenly a) wanna suck your dick again b) suck your mangy friends' dick on top of it

I can't believe after 4 years of being treated like an absolute sex toy he's finally thought you know what maybe I should share this with the boys.

I'm over here crying my lost love bc I finally accepted that our relationship isn't healthy. Hes not in love with me, I am, we have to stop having sex all the time so I can move on. But it thought well it's not a crime to not b in love with me. He don't deserve to lose his house and living over it. We'll just keep living together all normal, as two friends, the way we should've from the start. It hurts to see him but it ain't his fault and I need to tough it up.

AND HE GOES AND JOKES WITH HIS PALS ABOUT SHARING ME. Bc it's not even like oh I was joking calm down. When I immediately stop answering, first he texted "plz" !!!!!!! AND THEN

"sorry I'm friends with assholes" like oh the good ole trick sorry my friends took my phone !!? So I said oh yeah real easy to blame your friends!!! Stay at your best friend's flat three more days while ur at it. By then I'm livid.

Like okay so for four years ya didn't want to admit ur fucking me publicly but when ur bro wants my ass suddenly you're teaming up???? What an absolute jackass. And then he says "sorry I let myself be influenced"

Meaning he was getting egged on by all his disgusting bros and sharing the messages and making a public mockery of me. Like oh we heard that was an easy peace of ass think he'll take both you and me? He's surely been begging for ur dick for long enough. :( I can just see it I'm crying my eyes out I'm so humiliated.

He swears it's not what happened and he'll explain tomorrow but I don't really care. He's taken me for a joke long enough. I may b a joke but hes officially off the comedy roster. I'll ask him to move the fuck out and not show his goddamn face for a long while. Fuck this dude

[whyareweallawakerightnow]

Saturday

Uhgggggggg I didnt sleep last night. At all. I just laid there all night long. Ive had 2 lattes already and it's not even noon. He asked me how myra was this morning, and I just sent 2 pictures of her. He replied but I didn't. I need the ball back in my court. Is that what that means? I think it is. I need the power back. It's killing me though. It really is.

I tried ordering Publix groceries, they really tried charging me $4 for PICKUP. When did they even start doing that. Ridiculous. So now I'm trying to convince myself to get up and go in the store, I could get more things because I have cash. I really have no desire to though, I had hot Cheeto fries for breakfast. Is that even considered breakfast? I guess it's good that I'm even eating. I can drink coffee now too, so thats good.

My friend drove all the way to the beach to meet a guy she met off tinder, got a hotel room, and then he said he was the hotel bar (where she was) and then he never replied to her. After a few minutes, he blocked her on everything. The GALL of these men!!! I personally think she looks better in person than she does in pictures (she's beautiful, just not good at taking pictures lol) and I'm thinking, he didn't find you attractive in person?? I mean I get someone not being attracted to someone but how fucking low could you be as a person? I told her she dodged a huge bullet, even tho I know it doesnt feel like it now.

I haven't talked to my bestfriend in over a month. Me and K are the modern day merideth and Christina. Dark and twisty. But we're each others person. Or atleast we use to be. She got pregnant by someone she only knew 1 month, after leaving me to move back to FL after I went all the way down there to get her after her ex kicked her out of the house. Literally, threw all her shit outside. Me and ty had to rent a uhaul and pay for everything. Her baby daddy sucks. Ive never even met the guy. That's the biggest kicker of all, she always wants me to meet the men in her life. I never met the abusive ex and I never met this guy. Can't wonder why. Im worried about her, but honestly she's never been a good friend to me. It's so hard to admit that but everyone around me has told me that so many times.

I let her move in with me, rent free, while she was taking money from one of Ty's friends for rent and spending it herself. I struggled so bad but I just wanted her safe so it was worth it to me. Even when it was putting so much pressure on me. I just loved her through it. She kept bringing different men over, letting them stay the night, leaving them at my house when she wasn't there. Even after I told her to stop because my house is the one place in my world that I feel safe, even after I told her it made me uncomfortable.

Im always there for her, always. Always putting the pieces back together. But she never does the same for me. She hates ty. I never understood why, and a few months ago she said it was because she was jealous of the attention he was getting, how shitty is that? She made my life hell for all those months she lived with me because she was jealous. Because she is jealous, about everything, when the spotlight is off of her.

I hate that. I don't consider myself a jealous person. maybe in some ways everyone is, but shes not my friend. She hasn't asked about me, she hasn't checked on me and I can guarantee you if asked about it, I'm the one who should have checked in on her because shes pregnant. It's never about me. Even with p, she literally sent me a text saying "are you going to be sad forever? you need to get over it, you can't feel like this forever." She said that. To me. After I got my heart absolutely smashed. I don't think I ever put all those dots together but I am now. Which sucks because I poured soooo much into her, as I do all things apparently.

I don't know why ii think I'm less than, or that I don't deserve anything good. Quite honestly I don't know how I keep pouring from an empty cup, because I am so empty. But I always show up. When no one shows up for me. Wha else is it going to take? How many times do I need to be told that Im not enough?

Saturday sucks and every other day sucks too.

[a-libra-writes]

OH SPEAKING OF BOBBY B WOULD YOU EVER WRITE HCS FOR BEING LIKE HIS DAUGHTER/LIKE JOFF’S TWIN OR SMTH AND ROBERT ACTUALLY LIKING YOU

-🐚🌌

i miss my dad so i guess thats why im doing these specific requests LOL

So, imagine the first child between Cersei and Robert. The one that survived a sickly cradle, against all odds. The one with hair that was unmistakably black, not gold. The one Cersei couldn't stand the moment every time she laid eyes on her in the crib, because of all her negative and hurt feelings toward Robert. This is back when she was still a teenager, and her fantasies about the brave Baratheon that toppled the Mad King turned to smoke and mirrors.

Needless to say... over the years, she'd take out a lot of her frustration on this kid.

Robert likes that the child laughs and runs and smiles. He's far too indulgent, allowing her to sit on his knee during tourneys even if Cersei finds them too violent. He has extravagant gifts for her, anywhere from expensive dolls made of silk or a whole pony. He'd even take her on hunting expeditions - even if his Kingsguard protested - showing her how to use a bow and boarspear, even if she's far, far too young and small to handle such weapons.

When Joffrey is born, Robert struggles to bond with him the same way. Joff doesn't laugh easily like his daughter did, instead he cries and screams all the time. Cersei protectively keeps him away, claiming Robert distresses the boy. In truth, she prefers Joff right away, because he's a boy, and a son of Jaime besides ... ... and deep down, she's always been hurt how her daughter seems to prefer Robert.

The more the girl grows up to be like him, the more Robert prefers her. If she's outgoing and laughs easily, he'd much rather spend time with her than a fussy Joffrey. If she's active and healthy, he'll want to teach her how to ride. He'd allow lessons with swords and spears if she begged enough, though Cersei would absolutely forbid it.

As the child gets older, she'd begin to notice her father breaking promises. Sometimes he smells too much like drink, and he loses his temper and yells at her mother. Her mother yells at him, yells at her. She can't seem to get her mother's favor, no matter how nicely she dresses or speaks.

Her grandfather Tywin is cold, distant and scary, and she knows her father dislikes him, so she hates coming to Casterly Rock. Uncle Jaime is strangely distant too, but at least Uncle Tyrion is kind and plays with her. He gives her books and encourages her to read to Myrcella and Tommen, and look after them. Uncle Stannis is a bit strict, but once he showed her all the ships on the harbor, and she always remembered that. Uncle Renly was almost as funny as her father, and always smelled better.

To Cersei, Robert's favor to their first child is beyond irksome. He should be favoring his first son, his heir! He's a little indulgent with Myrcella, and doesn't think too much about Tommen. She'll begin to criticize and pick at her eldest daughter, trying to cut down on traits that are too much like her father.

She'll quickly think of marriage, not caring that her daughter hasn't even had her first moonblood yet, not remembering how panicked and angry she was at her own father's plans to marry her quickly. She doesn't want Ned's oldest marrying her daughter, as much as Robert wants that match. In her anger, she almost wants to punish her husband and oldest daughter for having the gall to be so similar. She wants a match that will upset them.

If the girl was more tomboyish and fond of fighting, she'd win the argument to learn swords. It would be a huge wedge between Cersei and Robert, one of their big fights, but she'd learn. And she'd be good at it. If she was more ladylike and interested in the court, she'd begin to find her father's mistakes and cover for them at too young of an age. Lord Arryn would try to shield her from it, but, well ...

No matter what, by the time she's thirteen or fourteen, her idyllic image of her heroic, strong father would begin to tarnish. She'd see the drinking, the whores, the expensive feasts, the explosive fights with her mother. She'd notice the cruel tendencies in Joffrey, and would try to shield Myrcella and Tommen from not just him, but the rumors surrounding their father. She'd want them to stay sweet and good. She tried with Joffrey, but he never liked her. He was clearly Cersei's favorite, while she was clearly Robert's, and that meant they were tools during their parent's arguments.

She'd have no end of handmaidens from various wealthy kingslander families, and the loyal Kingsguard that were fond of her, and whatever pets she desired. She might still feel lonely in the Red Keep, and escape to the vast gardens to hide from her parent's fighting over who she'll marry. The feasts and parties were fun, but sometimes too tiring, and it seemed every knight and lord's son wanted to fight in her honor or be the first to dance with her.

And she'd start to notice that Lord Arryn and Uncle Stannis were asking her odd questions, or observing her as she played with her youngest siblings. She didn't hear them muttering about her black hair or loud laugh.

She'd have a lot on her plate, and a lot of pressure to work under. When Jon Arryn died and her father announced they were going North, a place she'd never been, to meet a man she'd heard so many stories about but never met... Well, it was an exciting adventure and a distraction. She even got to take her youngest siblings, and her father would let her ride with him if the road was safe. He even bought her a new, fine horse for the long journey.

He always told her war stories, but when he talked about these, he finally seemed happy. His blue eyes twinkled as he talked about the mischief he got up to in the Eyrie with his best friend Ned, who was more brother than his own brothers. He'd tell her about Winterfell, and how she might be the Lady of it someday.

"It only seems right to join our houses," Her father was saying. He didn't bother wearing the crown on this ride, and he was dressed in comfort instead of style. "It's what I've always wanted, but... I'll make sure that son of his is deserving of my girl. You're the Princess of the Seven Kingdoms! We'll have to have a talk with this wolf-boy of Ned's. We'll see if he's up to your standards."

Robert laughed, and it was hard not to smile. He meant it, she knew. He really did want what was best, and he'd been delaying marrying her away to whoever asked. She had cautious optimism when it came to her father's promises, but for now... it was a beautiful day, and they were having a nice ride.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

another unsolicited relationship advice post:

okay. i know that there’s probably thousands of relationship advice posts on here. but anyway. to my younger followers, if i have any:

if anyone that you’ve just met declares that you’re “girlfriend material” or “boyfriend material” and that you must simply meet their parents NOW! or some other ridiculously short interval (like a week say), instead of, idek, like a month or two into your relationship, know that that is a possible red flag for trying to push the relationship too fast.

i say this as again, bc on some buzzfeed fb post about supposed “nice guys” i commented about my high school stalker/creeper from 2012/2013. who, when i first met him in 2012 at public school, he insisted that after two days of knowing him that i simply “have to meet my (his) mum and my sisters right now! bc you’re girlfriend material and i LOVE you!”

like woah! dude! i’ve known you for a grand total of two fucking days! i absolutely don’t have to meet your family RIGHT NOW (although if i’d ever been stupid enough to actually date my stalker back then, i would’ve had to meet his mum or one of his 4 sisters/all of them at once; at some point anyway…. bc they would’ve had to drive us to dates etc bc neither of us had our Ps (provisional drivers licence here in aus) yet at the time)). because i’m pretty sure the normal window is about 1-2 months? maybe 3-4 months? why the fuck are you so obsessed with the term “girlfriend material”??? what the actual FUCK does that EVEN mean?? get away from me. bc this isn’t love. it’s something else, that i can’t put my finger on.

compare this to clear braces boy from catholic school, who literally took almost 3 years to ask me out; and to even ask for my number. when he’d finally asked for my number right before one set of the winter holidays at the end of term 2/before the start of term 3 in 2010, i was so oblivious as to why he wanted my number…. when he’d never wanted it/asked for it before.

so when he called me, while i was still on the bus home from school, i was panicking like “OH FUCK THATS WHY HE WANTED MY NUMBER!!! HE WANTS TO ASK ME OUT!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!! WHY THE FUCK AM I SO SLOW AND FUCKING DUMB???!!!” he never pressured me to meet his parents (although at 14/15 it was very obvious that that was a standard practice since we couldn’t drive ourselves anywhere lmao). we were basically on equal footing, except for my slowness with cottoning onto him asking me out and why he asked for my number lol.

CBB had never pressured and harassed me about my virginity. he had NEVER harassed me with porn, most especially while at school, unlike mr creeper who LOVED pulling out his porn filled phone and school laptop to show me his overly violent, degrading and aggressive porn. CBB’s flirting method was showing me norwegian black metal bands (or normal metal bands like parkway drive) and making me watch repeats of family guy on his ipod at lunch bc he loved family guy. he never brought up the term “girlfriend material” ever. he treated me like an actual person. and not his own personal fuck doll, that had holes that were conveniently for sticking his useless and clueless ass teenage dick in, again unlike creeper who was hellbent on wanting to act out his favourite violent etc porn on me to let him “take your virginity in a wonderful weekend of sex down the coast and you have to do all things that I LIKE BC THAT’S THAT AND I SAID SO!!!” 🤮🤮. although if i had progressed further than those few weeks with cbb, and my constant *karen from mean girls voice* *fake cough, fake cough* i’m sick *regina george voice* boo, you whore!” act every time i didn’t turn up on date that he’d asked me on…. maybe he could’ve treated me like that. but i’ll never know lol.

so cbb was unlike mr stalker; who was obsessed with my supposed “girlfriend material” status. mr stalker was obsessed with the fact that i had the ability and audacity to basically tell him “no”, by coyly letting him down with “my dad says i can’t date bc it distracts me from school and getting good marks 🙄😑” (which probably wasn’t true, looking back lmao)….. where he then whined PUBLICLY on facebook about it, with a status like “today sucks”… and then naming and shaming me in the comments when someone asked in the post comments what was wrong like: “*insert my name here* said no! she’s being a bitch!”. that at the time, made me roll my eyes and still does today when i think about it. because bro. i had literally only known you for two fucking days at that point. of course i’m going to say no. what the hell??? two days is nowhere near enough time to know a person well enough (although the conversation we had together on misguided trip to his house one day while we were wagging (skipping class/playing hooky for americans) aboriginal studies told me MORE THAN ENOUGH about his piece of shitness tbh) to “date” them imo.

because to me, the title “girlfriend material” doesn’t mean any fucking thing. but when it comes from a creep like mr stalker; it means “you’ll be my girlfriend forever and have my kids bc you’re such a nice girl and you’ll fix me bc that’s what nice girls like you do; bc you’re SO LOYAL AND NICE!” which i also saw as a MASSIVE RED FLAG back then, because we were literally 16yo kids (he literally told me this when we were on his bed in his bedroom in the aforementioned misguided trip to his house). and i also saw it as a red flag bc…. just because i’m “loyal” and “nice” doesn’t mean that i’ll spend LITERAL Y E A R S trying to “fix you” while you fuck around and never bother to change your behaviour all bc you think it’s “girly” to do just that. it definitely DOES NOT MEAN that i’ll have KIDS with you, what the actual fuck. like i’m a hopeless romantic, to an extent, mr creeper. but not to the extent where i’ll give myself up to someone like you, all because i’m “nice and caring” and it’s apparently what “nice girls do!!!” or whatever else fucked up guilt trip views you’ve got on why girls/women supposedly have to waste their time with and on you.

and also, on another front. CBB never FOLLOWED me home (considering he lived in a suburb 20mins away from mine lmao and we both lived at least 15mins away from the catholic school we attended) despite me telling him REPEATEDLY to “fuck off and walk home your way”….. whereas unfortunately, mr creeper lived just over the other side of my suburb.

so one day mr creeper decided to stalk me home (despite me saying the above “fuck off and walk home your way” comment constantly to him in the 10min walk home). and then when we got to my street and in front of my house he decided to joke that “oh now i know where your house and bedroom are, i’ll come to hide under your bed naked one day!!!! and when you get home (bc i’ll obvs do it when you’re out doing something), you’ll just have to FUCK ME because you’ll be so surprised that im there and ready to fuck you!” as if i’d be so overcome with supposed lust & love for him, after knowing that he’d broken into my room against my will and messed with my shit….. all for some cutesy love prank…. like in, idk, love actually (???) or himym (specifically the “naked man!” episode from season 4) or some other shitty romcom. bc no. you’re overstepping SO MANY fucking boundaries that i’d literally call the police on your stupid fucking stalker ass. what the actual fuck.

finally, cbb never forced me to try to kiss him, unlike mr stalker…. who whenever he got the chance, he’d grab my head and force me to kiss him…. and then gave me back the utterly disgusting & controlling GALL to tell me that i was “kissing wrong” and whinge/bitch that i “wasn’t into it”. and then he’d force me to kiss him again with a “im so sorry does this fix it 🥰🥺???” like NO???!!! forcefully kissing me DOES NOT FUCKING FIX ANYTHING YOU STUPID CUNT! please just get the FUCK away from me. like if you force me into anything, of course i’m not going to enthusiastically enjoy it??? and moreover, don’t you think it’s YOU who is “kissing wrong” (whatever the FUCK that bullshit actually means) and not me???? why do you think GRABBING MY HEAD and FORCING me to kiss you is appropriate in ANY of these situations????

just. to end this. to anyone and everyone, regardless of their gender/sexuality/age etc. NEVER trust anyone who uses the term “girlfriend material”/“boyfriend material”, to describe you, most especially when you’ve JUST MET them.

they’re using it as a means to control you and possibly trap you into an unhealthy (or potentially abusive) relationship like i would’ve had with my stalker/creeper. but most especially, this goes out to my younger followers, if i have any. be aware of this. watch out for the small red flags and run at the earliest time.

[cheshiresense]

Ok so Im going to take this chance and go wild: GiottoxMukuro + Bad Vongola AU

UM. So, I sort of just sat on this last one cuz what even lmao. I checked AO3 and omg this ship exists??? but there’s like just two fics under it. But alright, here’s my stab at this very random pairing, it doesn’t even quite get all the way to a pairing, but I gave them both page time and at least you gave me something new to try XD Sorry it’s so late.

ALSO YAY I FINISHED ALL TEN

1. Ok so! First thing’s first - how do I stick these two into the same time period? Either full AU or time travel/reincarnation fuckery. Let’s go with reincarnation. Sort of. Where Neo Primo is literally Neo Primo ;)

Tsuna is dead. They’re in the future arc, he’s being forced to take the boss trial, and Hibari suffocates him just a little too long. So Tsuna dies at the feet of his ancestors, and Giotto is forced to witness the death of a fourteen-year-old boy who had never asked for any of this bloodshed but had also never backed down from it, never folded, even under the pressure of so many Vongola bosses. And Giotto is angry. He has spent centuries watching his beloved Vongola become mired in blood and sin, built on an empire of corpses and suffering. He is so sick of it, of not being able to do anything about it, but his latest descendant is dead, and his body is empty of a soul, and in that moment, more than anything else, all Giotto wants is a chance to act, to be something other than helpless, to fix even just a little of what his bloodline has broken.

Will and Flames and desperation are powerful things when combined.

Next thing Giotto knows, he’s opening his eyes to a cold-looking training room, the remains of a cage that killed a fourteen-year-old boy splintering around him, and it barely takes a thought for his Flames to surge up and out and slam the Cloud - Hibari Kyouya - into the far wall with a viciousness Giotto had spent the majority of his first life keeping under wraps. For a split second, he almost kills the Cloud for his gall. A Guardian who could murder his own Sky - however well-intentioned or unknowingly - is no Guardian at all, but then, out of all of the Tenth Generation, as far as Giotto can tell, not a single one of them had had a real bond with Tsuna. The one who’d come closest had been the Mist, but after ten years and the weight of Vongola’s sins on his shoulders, even that connection had dissolved.

If Giotto is honest, the person Tsuna had become ten years later under the crushing pressure of that Sun Arcobaleno and the Vongola had been near unrecognizable compared to the boy Giotto had so admired. But that man is dead, at least for now, dragged under by too many enemies and too many bad decisions, and all that’s left is this younger version, dragged to the future against his will and forced to fight a war of someone else’s making.

Not even that anymore obviously, and all that’s left is Giotto, a bloody legacy to his name and too many regrets to pay for. All he can do is live out Tsuna’s life now and hopefully undo some of the damage Vongola has wrought. Tsuna wouldn’t want him killing this Cloud though, and so Giotto lets him go in the end. Hibari gets to his feet, something bloodthirsty and thrilled gleaming in his eyes, completely ignorant of the fact that he’d killed his Sky, and all Giotto can think as he recalls the way Tsuna had always had to bribe this man for him to even consider helping is how Alaude must be rolling in his grave.

“I’m done,” He says instead, slicing a cool look around the room, and then he walks out, back to his room. Nobody stops him, but Giotto wouldn’t have stopped him either, with the shadow of his Flames licking across the concrete floor.

2. Giotto does his duty. Ten years in the future is far too late to really change anything significant, so the faster he takes care of business here, the sooner they can all go home. In the meantime, it amuses him - in a funny world-burning sort of way - how none of Tsuna’s friends seems to realize anything is wrong, that the boy they profess their loyalty to is gone, and his body has been usurped by an interloper. Giotto considers himself a decent enough actor, but for a bunch of Flame-actives with Vongola rings on their fingers and Guardian titles to their names, they’re a rather oblivious lot.

(All of Tsuna’s past and present and future sits in his memories now though, and Giotto can’t say he’s terribly surprised. The person these children wanted to follow was never actually the boy Tsuna had been, not entirely. They pay attention to the parts of him that they like, and ignore the rest like they don’t exist. It infuriates Giotto, because Tsuna deserved better, but Tsuna is dead, and even if Giotto has every intention of at the very least demoting them from their Guardian positions once they’re finished here, he cannot truly harm these children Tsuna had called friends.)

So he does his duty, fights the battles people want him to fight, and smiles blandly back in the face of Reborn’s suspicious glances. That hitman at least can sense something is off, if only because his student no longer cringes or screams, but no one save the Vongola bosses knows the details of what happens in the Vongola Trial, and it’s easy enough to balance Reborn’s misgivings with that.

It’s fun though, messing with the pseudo-baby. The last time Reborn tried to shoot him awake in the morning, Giotto had set the entire room on fire and ended up singeing off Reborn’s sideburns. The resulting training session had been grueling, but it had been worth finally getting back at the man first responsible for more or less browbeating Tsuna into obedience.

Pettiness aside, Giotto does put effort into training. Tsuna’s body is in decent shape, but it could be even better, so Giotto does his best to make it so. The weapons of the future are something of a marvel too, and he smiles indulgently at the full-grown wing-adorned flame-pelted Leone di Cieli that gracefully leaps out to greet him, but in the privacy of his rooms, he lets his Flames swirl free and summons the phoenix that had been his constant companion in his first life, the soul of his Flames, his will made sentient.

“Natsu,” He names the lion, after Tsuna, and welcomes Persephone home as she does a sweep of his bedroom before landing light and delicate on his shoulder, the way she’d always done in battle.

The looks on everyone’s faces when they see her with him is enough to make Giotto smile for the next week.

3. It becomes clear soon enough that they’re going to need all hands on deck for the final confrontation against Millefiore, but even before that, Giotto begins asking some pointed questions that Tsuna had thought but hadn’t quite been brave enough to ask.

“When are we getting my Mist out of Vendicare?” He enquires one night over dinner, and smiles pleasantly as everyone freezes. “We require all the aid we can get, yes? And Mukuro has always been strong.”

“Jyuudaime!” Hayato is the first to burst out, chair skidding back with how emphatically he stands up. “We don’t need that bastard!” Giotto looks at him, not a twitch in his expression, impenetrable as ice even as he keeps his features soft, and Hayato falters. “Or- Or even if we do, he can just possess Dokuro! He can’t be trusted if we let him out!”

Giotto stirs more sugar into his coffee - rich and sweet, gave G a minor aneurysm every time he saw it - just the way he likes it. “So we make him serve, and offer nothing in return?”

Giotto waits out the confused spluttering around him. Reborn is drilling holes into the side of his head but he pays the baby no mind.

“He has been imprisoned for ten years,” Giotto continues in mild tones. “And has remained loyal all this time, si?” He glances briefly at Chrome, the younger one, who stares back, meek and mute. She is loyal to Mukuro above all others, and it would’ve been so very easy for him to influence her into betraying Vongola - betraying Tsuna - anytime.

That he hadn’t, in all this time, is… something. It’s something. The lingering threads of a frayed potential bond. The stubborn refusal to give up something he’d once perhaps considered his. A promise once given - keep my people safe and you will have my allegiance - and never broken, not by Mukuro.

People have often remarked on how similar the First and Tenth Generations are. Personally, Giotto has never seen two sets of people so different.

“I wish to free him,” He says at last, over the voices of those trying to convince him otherwise. “Loyalty deserves loyalty returned. Whatever else he used to be, he has bled in my service for ten years. Surely that is enough to justify his release?”

It is not a question, and everyone knows it. Reborn is all but glaring now. He doesn’t like this new Tsuna who does not cower even in the face of his bullets.

Giotto is spiteful enough to enjoy every moment of it.

It is Takeshi who relents first. “Okay,” He says, all easy agreement and assessing eyes, and maybe this one at least is not so far removed from Ugetsu’s blood after all. “But how are we gonna do that? Vendicare’s hard to break into, right?”

Hayato - the only mafia-raised of the lot - looks positively horrified. “It’s not hard, Baseball Freak, it’s impossible!”

“But Mukuro already broke out twice, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” Giotto interjects, smiling at Takeshi, who preens a little under the attention and is in some ways possibly the most insane of them all. Giotto does have a fondness for those who consider laws as guidelines at best. “So, I suppose we need a Mist.” He takes a gulp of his coffee. “The Varia has a new one these days, don’t they?”

Three conferences, five one-sided shouting matches, and a hefty sum of money transferred over to the Varia accounts later, Giotto has secured Xanxus’ partly baffled, mostly irritated agreement for Fran’s services. Fran turns out to be a rather… precocious young man, but he has Mist Flames and skills that almost rival Mukuro’s, and Giotto is relatively content to leave the breakout to him.

His confidence is not misplaced. Days and half a dozen more battles later, with Byakuran grandstanding across from him, Giotto’s entire ill-fitted, misfit Family is gathered, and the First Generation appears at Giotto’s silent command to unseal the Vongola rings.

(All of them know what he is, the soul peering out from behind Tsuna’s eyes. But in this one moment, not even Daemon gives him away, and Giotto is free to finally unleash his carefully controlled wrath on the Family that had decimated his.)

Millefiore doesn’t stand a chance.

4. “You are not Sawada Tsunayoshi,” Mukuro - the older one - says in deceptively light tones as he joins Giotto on the balcony. It’s late, the night before they would all finally return to the past, and the two of them are probably the only ones still awake.

“No,” Giotto confirms, because there’s no hiding it from this man. “I’m afraid Sawada Tsunayoshi perished in Kyouya’s Box Weapon when he and Reborn attempted to force a Vongola Trial.”

Mukuro, staring out at the sprawling woods before them, does not visibly react, does not even move. For a moment, it doesn’t even seem like he’s breathing, and that’s what gives him away.

Giotto does not say he is sorry. He is, for this, and for too many other things to list, but whatever connection had formed between Tsuna and his Mist had been lost a long time ago, and sorry only sounds trite in the face of such a travesty. The only reason Mukuro had never drifted away, Giotto suspects, was because the Mist had refused to let go. Mukuro himself would never admit it, perhaps never even acknowledge it to himself, but if there was one thing Giotto had always envied Tsuna for, it was his ability to earn a Mist’s devotion so completely.

(And so it had hurt all the more to watch the years go by as Tsuna allowed Vongola to convince him to leave Mukuro in Vendicare. Hurt most of all to realize, one day, that Tsuna no longer cared so long as Mukuro continued reporting in and doing as he was told.)

“What will you do with my younger self?” Mukuro eventually asks, carefully void of every emotion save for the thinnest veneer of detached interest.

“Free him,” Giotto replies promptly, seeing no need for word games here. Reborn had tried to interrogate him about his Vongola Trial, and Giotto had given him every answer but a straight one. It had been highly entertaining. “If he wishes, he will have a place in my Famiglia. If he does not, then I will ensure he is able to start a new life elsewhere with his people, without Vongola dogging their every step.” He pauses, absently considering his hands, more solid than they’ve been in four hundred years. “Even Tsunayoshi’s fear of Reborn was not enough to stop him from asking repeatedly after you. This is the least I can do for your younger self when Tsunayoshi worried about him so often.”

Mukuro scoffs, a hollow puff of air that fades to nothing. “Had he a few more years in him, you would’ve had nothing to concern yourself with.”

Giotto inclines his head in acknowledgement but says nothing more. There is probably no one who knew Tsuna - who fought him and lost to him and understood him - more than Mukuro. The Mist doesn’t need Giotto expounding on the rise and fall of one of the brightest and most short-lived Skies the world would ever see.

“You will not tell the others about me?” Giotto asks instead, more curious than any kind of anxious about it.

Mukuro tips a mocking facsimile of a smile in his direction, looking him straight-on for the first time since his arrival. “What business is it of mine, if Vongola wishes to destroy itself?”

Giotto half-smiles, half-grimaces. He supposes this is hardly a surprise either; it was never Vongola that Mukuro swore unspoken fealty to.

So instead, he reaches out, gently catching one of Mukuro’s hands in his own and knowing he can only because Mukuro allows it. Mismatched eyes watch him like a hawk, a derisive curl on his lips that freezes when Giotto presses the flickering heat of a piece of Sky Flame into his palm.

Then he steps back, once, twice, enough room to sketch an esoteric bow, too formal for this age but recognizable enough here and now if Mukuro’s sharp intake of breath is anything to go by.

Gratitude. Apology. And a dissolution of debt and duty between Guardian and Sky.

If Mukuro so wishes, even after Giotto is gone, the shard of Sky will ensure a clean break from Vongola, and not even Sawada Tsunayoshi will be able to track his former Guardian down. It is all Giotto can offer him.

He straightens, glancing at the piece of Sky now settled into the shimmering form of a phoenix feather. A new life, if Mukuro wants it.

He meets the Mist’s gaze. Mukuro is the first to look away, fingers curling around the feather, eyes on the horizon, and he doesn’t speak again.

Giotto nods, takes his leave, and he does not see the Mist again, not this version at least. Once time straightens itself out, the adult Tsuna of this universe will return, and while Millefiore is no longer a threat, Vongola - and its Decimo - will still be the same stagnant bloodstained mess.

There is nothing Giotto can do about that, but at the back of his mind, he wonders if it wouldn’t have been better after all to have let Millefiore wipe Vongola out.

5. Later, much later, after a jailbreak and Daemon and a broken curse, Giotto and his Guardians - still no bonds, but he can’t seem to find a good time to get rid of them, so maybe instead of that, he can educate them to be better - sit down for a Family dinner at the most upscale banquet hall Namimori has to offer, with the Ninth and his men, the CEDEF and even Varia. They’re in public so everyone has their law-abiding citizen face on, but (a redo of) the Inheritance Ceremony is imminent, and Timoteo smiles, sly and pleased that all the pieces have finally fallen into place. He waves Giotto into the seat on his immediate right and doesn’t even question how very little Giotto resembles Tsuna these days, ascribing the changes to Reborn’s training and recent battles and growing up, and looking no further than that.

The food is good, Italian but cooked by the best chefs on Vongola payroll. Giotto stares Kyouya into grudging silence over the fare, and then he focuses on chatting amicably with Timoteo, weaving smooth flattery into casual but attentive conversation the way he’d learned to do a lifetime ago.

Giotto watched Timoteo grow up. There is no skeleton in his closet that Giotto did not witness him stashing away. But he is old and past his prime and he will soon learn that his successor is not as easy to control as he’d hoped, as he thinks, so Giotto can smile back now and give him his momentary triumph, smile and sip his wine and not let his eyes linger on every bite of food Timoteo takes.

During a lull in the conversation, he turns and catches Mukuro’s eye. His Mist is seated beside his female counterpart, all the way at the end of the line, farthest from his Sky to any outsider’s eye. But Mukuro smirks back from behind his cloth napkin, and as the Nono’s dessert is carried in, the faint twist of Mist Flames - unnoticed by all except two - darts into the panna cotta.

Timoteo eats his fill, compliments the chef, beams at Giotto’s gently filial fussing again like the kindly grandfather he excels at pretending to be, and nobody thinks to question how masterfully Giotto draws all attention to himself and his rowdier Guardians, never letting the generally jovial mood falter, his Sky Flames a subtle pulsing encouragement beneath it all to distract them from the knife at their backs.

The whole affair is a success. At the very least, nobody threw any food, no fights broke out, and no one lost their tempers. It almost feels like a miracle.

They part ways in groups, and to their credit, Hayato and Kyouya only try to kill each other after the elder Vongola party is gone. It doesn’t take long for Ryouhei to join in, and at a glance from Mukuro, Chrome scoops Lambo up and picks up her pace to catch up to a laughing Takeshi.

Mukuro falls into step beside Giotto. Giotto had asked, after the Arcobaleno business was finally over, if Mukuro would stay. Mukuro had asked what Giotto would offer if he did.

“A place in my Family, for you and yours,” Giotto had sworn. “And a hand in toppling the Vongola Empire once and for all.”

Mukuro had smiled, ten years’ worth of another world’s memories behind it, and six lives’ worth of suffering driving his answer.

“Tsunayoshi would never have chosen this method,” Mukuro says now, voice pitched low but as idly as if he were commenting on the weather.

Giotto smiles, grim and long past the point of any return.

Tsuna was his favourite. He reminded Giotto of the man he used to be, when Vongola was still a goal wrapped in optimism and determination, before they’d become embroiled in the mafia and Giotto had spent the next four hundred years after his death watching his life’s work build itself a throne of corpses.

Tsuna was his favourite, but he was also an ideal Giotto won’t ever be again, and cannot be if he truly wants to see this iteration of Vongola dead in his second lifetime. Tsuna would’ve been eaten alive by Vongola - Giotto had seen an entire future’s worth of proof of that.

“I am not Tsunayoshi,” Giotto says, and it is another regret he will have to carry, but their world is neither kind nor fair, and Tsuna as he was would never have survived it.

Mukuro studies him, a thoughtful tilt to his head, and something like fascination glitters in his eyes. “No, you are not,” He agrees. “But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”

Giotto glances at him, then ahead, at children who had almost killed and been almost killed mere days ago, now roughhousing amongst themselves. “The world could do with more Tsunayoshis.”

“The world needs more of you,” Mukuro retorts just as swiftly, a sardonic sort of amusement in his smirk. “In that other future, Tsunayoshi proved beyond a doubt that everything he promised, he couldn’t keep, didn’t he? And yet here you are, Vongola Primo, poisoning your enemies over dinner, and just yesterday you had me hide you while you met with Gesso and Simon and Giglio Nero in private. You certainly don’t waste any time.” His smirk widens. “If Vongola isn’t careful, you’ll turn half of Europe against the older generation before they realize it.”

Giotto hums and doesn’t deny any of it. “You would be willing to aid me though?”

Mukuro arches an eyebrow, and his right eye flickers briefly with Mist Flames. “Have I not been doing so already?”

Giotto nods. “Yes, and I am grateful. But lending a hand now is not the same as devoting at least the next ten years of your life to a goal most would consider impossible. And I am not Tsunayoshi.”

Mukuro’s steps slow, then stop entirely. Giotto blinks and halts as well, half-turning.

“Does that matter so much to you?” Mukuro asks, peering at him with surprisingly genuine puzzlement. “Do you think it matters so much to me? That you are not Tsunayoshi?”

Giotto half-shrugs, and Mukuro shakes his head. “Tsunayoshi had a heart that I will never fully understand,” He says, blunt in a way he almost never is. “He was naive and foolish, hopeful and soft, and it made him as weak as it made him strong. I could trust him to never turn on Chrome or Ken or Chikusa, even if they or I tested his tolerance, but by that same logic, I could never have trusted him to stand firm against Vongola’s ideals, no matter what he proclaimed. And I was right, wasn’t I? In the end, Vongola destroyed him, and he became one of them.”

He pauses, his gaze sliding away, hands coming together to twist one of the rings on his fingers. Then he looks back at Giotto, and his next smirk is equal parts challenge and approval. “You though. You have witnessed the results of letting your previous Mist Guardian walk free, and spent years watching your descendants commit atrocities in the name of strengthening your organization. If I were to promise you my loyalty, and then betray you sometime down the road, you would slit my throat yourself. But at the same time, at least I know - you are both ruthless enough and determined enough to see your objectives through to the end, with a conviction that’s centuries in the making. The current Vongola would have to kill you to stop you.” His right eye flares indigo again. “So I suppose that is where I come in.”

Up ahead, the others turn a corner, still bickering. Giotto thinks Takeshi has probably noticed that he and Mukuro have fallen behind, and of course Chrome knows, but neither of them stops to wait either.

Mukuro steps back, once, twice, and Giotto’s eyes widen as the Mist lifts a hand to brush over the earring he hasn’t stopped wearing since he got it. And then… well.

The Mukuro from the future must’ve known how because this Mukuro doesn’t even look awkward as he drops to one knee and bows his head, just a dip, slow enough to look deliberate, proud enough to meet Giotto’s gaze again afterwards.

“You asked for ten years, Neo Primo,” Mukuro announces. “So, very well, I will pledge you ten years of my life, for you to use as you see fit, so long as you keep your word. We can revisit this in a decade, but for the next ten years, I will make you untouchable to your enemies and sow discord amongst them in your name.” He smiles and it’s a mad and bloodthirsty thing, the same furious hateful beast he’d aimed at Daemon Spade when he’d sought to rip Chrome from Mukuro’s side. “And should the worst come to pass and I go the way of my predecessor, may my life be forfeit at your hands.”

He reaches up, catches Giotto’s hand in his own, and his red eye glows as orange and indigo burst into existence between their fingers, a blaze of light under the night sky as they twine together, fierce and unyielding and true.

They both gasp from the surge of power that rushes through them as the Guardian bond snaps into place, the first one Giotto will ever have in this body, the first one in over four hundred years, a core of Flame that promises a home, something Daemon had never been able to give him, and Giotto doesn’t even think before he’s yanking Mukuro to his feet and reeling him close.

Tsuna had been short for his age so Giotto isn’t quite eye-level with his new Mist, but it hardly matters when he curls a near-bruising grip along Mukuro’s jaw and sees the same hunger and possessiveness he feels reflected in the illusionist’s eyes.

“A Guardian bond is not something I take lightly,” Giotto murmurs, and he knows even without a mirror that his own Flames are burning in his eyes. “You are mine now, and I do not share. In ten years, you will pledge another ten, and another ten after that, and any who dare to try and take you from me, I would run rivers red with their lifeblood.”

(These oaths are old, old and binding and near-forgotten, bastardized ten ways to Sunday but still echoing of power, and even in Giotto’s time, only G and Ugetsu had sworn them. That his new reign would begin with one, when as far as Giotto knows, none have spoken them in centuries - perhaps it speaks of the dawn of a new age.)

Mukuro inhales shakily, not at all prepared for the sheer depth and intensity of a true Flame bond. But the grip he has on Giotto’s wrist is just as tight as Giotto’s, and it only takes him another breath to regain his bearings.

“As you Will it, Giotto,” Mukuro murmurs, and it crackles over Giotto’s skin. No one has spoken his name since his resurrection.

The bond settles between them, calm now but no less potent. Giotto lets go, tickling a tongue of Sun-tinted Sky Flame along Mukuro’s skin to soothe the sting left behind. Mukuro only huffs a breath of laughter, gaze still unwavering on Giotto’s face.

“Well then,” The Mist - Giotto’s Mist - smiles, quieter, more serene, like a glass-spun secret cloaked in shadow, but exultantly bright all the same. “Long live the new King. May your reign be long and prosperous.”

[pyrodarknessanny]

Whilst the topic of treating women with  respect is a hot button issue at the moment it got me thinking about my own experiences in life. and whilst I can say that I am one of the lucky ones who’s not been assaulted   things have happened around me that  had they gone differently  my story would be very different indeed. it also saddens me  that I know so many close friends and family who were not so lucky , many of them were children when they were first abused. and yes I do know  “not all men”   but   as the brothers , fathers , uncles , cousins ,friends and co-workers  the weight of this falls on you to call out  the  unacceptable behaviour of your peers. I’m going to list this instances in chronological order. and keep in mind that  I am a  goblin , short, weird , don’t care for looking nice and makeup and such  but still  ive been put on the spot numerus times in the past by  “nice guys”™ high school , senior years .   met some one I thought was decent online . we had an on again off again  video call thing going it spanned years  and started innocently enough  however in the latter years  when I was super depressed it turned quite toxic and manipulative   where he would refuse to   pay attention to me, controlling the calls , there was a time zone difference  so I was up till 4am most nights  hoping that this person would be around.    When we did get into calls  he had me doing  increasingly  dangerous things .   he’d even convinced me to  send him a  substantial amount of money of the last 12 months of our contact.          I’ve since cut them off  cold some years ago now but   they’ve certainly had an impact on me

 In between this on again off again online thing   when I was single I’ve and no less than 3   older male friends  try to hit me up because their  partners at the time were out of town. one even messaged me one night when I was high and tried very hard to convince me that it would be a good idea to drop round.       I don’t talk to any of them now but  each one I told to stay faithful to their partners and denied their offers.    

Also in high school - this happened at my  part time job. boss had a mate who would often sell him stuff for the store ,  bit of a flipper. one of the other senior staff thought it was FUNNY  to tell him that  I was fair game. so this guy who is well in his 40’s   would seek me out at work and harass me. usually when I was at the back of the shop bagging the bulk produce into smaller retail portions. mind you I’m  an 18 yr old autistic person .  had to find excuses to  avoid this person   make it look like im working  in the areas that had security cameras on them or   hope that there were customers so he couldn’t  talk to me.       I had spoken out about this  to the boss and  the owner of the business ( as it was one of his friends)   but they  all thought it was a harmless game. guy bailed me up at the back of the store one afternoon as im bagging  up animal feed.  Store was dead quiet  so not a lot of escape options   I had had enough of it by that point  and put him in his place.   Fortunately  for me he was a little old Asian man  had he of been some one of my dad’s stature  that scenario would have played out MUCH differently.  

Hey now speaking of family! growing up in an abusive household sure dose   wounders for building character huh? im on good talking terms with my family now but growing up  was interesting.

Our house hold was one of hard disciplines.  We didn’t just get smacked we got absolutely belted.

Or our things were broken… actually it was only ever MY things that got trashed out of discipline. my 4 brothers always got off Scott free. Whenever there was a fight or argument ? it was always me that was in trouble  regardless of the circumstance.

Good lessons to teach the kids eh’

My real dad  was off the sceen,  we were more or less raised by our step dad but   when he got an upper management job at his place of work , shit at home  got  bad.    The abuse turned from physical   to psychological .     nothing was ever good enough.   You were always trash  or a disgrace. and praise was only ever given to  the brothers.          So  yeah more good lessons  for  impressionable teens.   shitty ex #1 -  met them at a convention , seamed like a reasonable kind of guy we hit it off and it was great.    Very quickly realised something was off about them. tried very hard to control me .  would say one thing and then do something else entirely. caught them out on numerous lies and on more than one occasion said some very concerning things about minors.       Moments that stand out the most .   was staying at my place for a party , either a birthday or Halloween .   at my house with my family and close friends , had the gall to try and control my behaviour  because  he thought I was being too weird , he did this in front of my mother and best friend.     Another time , it was my birthday and he promised  to buy dinner out . started out as  we would go to this fancy casino restaurant .    ended at a Mc Donald’s with me catching the train home by my self  fuming.     I should have ended that one much sooner than I did but I didn’t want to come across as “mean” or unreasonable  so it let it drag out for another 6 months before I told him to fuck off.

 Dude then proceeded to cyber stalk me and  several friends there after. he was super bad at this and  finaly backed off when I threatened to call the cops. YEET!

 Shitty ex #2 -  technically we only dated for a few weeks decided that it didn’t work for either of us but stayed good friends .        had to tell them  frequently  about what things were and weren’t appropriate  for the friendship afterwards ,    eneded turning into one of the biggest narcicists ive ever seen.

 Miscellaneous things.   Im mentioned before about peer pressure and that its on the boys to call this shit out when they see it. I’ve had  to be the voice of reason for a number of male friends   when they were getting  a bit too obsessed over  girls who had zero interest in them.        One guy in particular  could not leave it alone  , this girl he was white knighting for    was a friend from school , she had a partner but he  swore black and blue that   he could “save her”  from making shitty decisions.     I think he eventually gave up on her when she ripped him off over some digital art that was a trace job and he lost  a good sum of money but   it was disturbing to hear just how obsessed he was with  her.

[nebucat]

i’m very empathetic. i know i am

i’m able to easily imagine another’s perspective and how i would feel if i were in their position, and if i don’t right away then i try my best to do so

the issue was that i could see their perspective, i could understand where they were coming from, but i knew their perspective was skewed by insecurities and that they were too wrapped up in it and stubborn to think critically or have faith in me.

i didn’t... want to validate those insecurities, or i guess i didn’t want to reinforce that sort of thinking. i wanted to help them out of it! but i guess i just... didn’t know how. i didn’t know how to reassure them besides explaining my perspective. i didn’t want to just dismiss how they were feeling! i payed far more attention than they realized. to the point that i immediately understood the problem and felt how they were feeling because i’ve been there before. in some ways, i still am. feeling replaceable or insecure. and i know thats just what it is. i know insecurity obscures our vision. and it made me uncomfortable because the fact i knew it wasn’t true. the accusations of ‘ignoring’ them or losing interest in our writings was not true. but i didn’t know how else to tell them that.

especially because i shrink so much under accusations. my knee-jerk reflex is to accept fault for something as a fawner. the number of times i rolled over for them didn’t help my mental state because i genuinely did let myself be convinced of the things they were telling me. that i ignore them. that i’m dismissive. that i’m inconsiderate. and i am trying to unlearn all of that shit that got ingrained in my head. and it didnt... help either? that they would guilt trip me when i did try to share my perspective, only reinforcing the insecurities.

it was never... enough. i was never enough. i could never make them happy and there was always something i was getting criticized for. no matter what i did, now matter how hard i tried, i was ALWAYS doing something wrong. and they would rub it in my face with their cruel, vindictive comments.

‘if only you payed more attention’

‘you don’t want to disappoint your cool new friends’

‘you’d rather disappoint me than them’

‘you want to stop being as important to each other? fine. i’ll start giving you as equal amount of attention as i do everyone else. you want me to give you reassurance for things i’m not even aware of? ok. i’ll start showering you in those meaningless compliments everyone else throws around in this rpc’ 

‘it’s hard to care about setting off your anxiety when you clearly don’t care about setting off mine’

and i... i wanted to move IN with this person. i wanted a relationship with them!!! i genuinely saw a future with them. because i thought they were changing. i thought they cared. i thought they loved me back.... i wanted to be with them so badly and yet this person was so cruel to me. i was so naive to believe that was what real love looked like.

i don’t even want to think about what could have happened if i stayed. if i continued down that path with them. if i actually did move in with them. i was already so isolated from everyone in our community with them. but i would have been even more isolated if i moved in with them and i would have had no way to escape. thinking about it makes me so nauseous and freaked out.

im so fucking glad i left. i’m so thankful for the friends who helped me get out before it was too late. that week before shit hit the fan, i was such a fucking wreck. i was starving myself because trying to eat made me throw up, having anxiety induced nightmares and was crying literally every single day multiple times, pacing up and down the street at night trying to talk myself down and reason with myself, sleeping all the time because i’d rather be unconscious than awake. i wanted to die. i really wanted to fucking die. it was like highschool all over again. and seeing them groom another person and treat them the same way they treated me when WE first met... seeing how much they praised that person and flattered them and gave them so much positive attention, yet knowing how abusive and neglectful they’d been to me...

i was convinced i was a broken person. i remember saying that to myself, “i’m broken. i’m so broken” as i cried and cried and cried. they didn’t make me feel loved or safe. they made me feel broken.

and thats what narcissistic abuse is. they’ll appeal to you with sweet talk and praise and attention, shower you in compliments and make you feel like the most special person in the world. and once they have their hooks in you, they’ll slowly break you down and groom you into tolerating the abuse. the guilt trips. the manipulation and gaslights. they’ll provoke you to get you to fight with them so they can pick apart everything you say and poke holes in you in order to garner control over you. they’ll humiliate and use hostile humor to tease you in public spaces in order to keep you off balance and install shame inside you.

they do this because they need their narcissistic supply. it doesnt matter if its positive validation or negative validation, they do this because theyre deeply insecure to the core and have to depend on external validation in order to feel anything. and because they’re living in their own delusional reality, they think this is NORMAL and OKAY and that they aren’t wrong for acting like this. a narcissist can never be wrong and will NEVER hold them self accountable for their actions without dragging others down with them.

even the last MESSAGE this person sent me just goes to show they literally are incapable of holding themself accountable for anything. they’ll only apologize to convince you to give them another chance. and thats what that note was--- an attempt to convince me otherwise. but their actions speak louder than the sweet talk and sob stories. and i knew this for certain when i confronted them after calling the police for the suicide baiting. they denied it was a manipulation tactic and had the gall to shame ME for getting worried about them! LMAO. “i’m sorry YOU felt that way” “i’m sorry YOU felt pressured”. not a single apology for literally trying to manipulate me. not a single apology for being the one to use their suicidal idealization to keep me tethered for so long. because narcissists can’t hold themself accountable and will find any reason not to.

i used to have narcissistic behaviors. sometimes i still catch myself falling into old toxic patterns. but i KNOW i’m not narcissistic. i have empathy, i AM considerate and kind, i TAKE accountability for my actions without using self deprecation or excuses, and nothing good and nice i tell people is fake or forced. i have so much love in my heart for people and i’m proud of myself for how far i’ve come and how hard i work to grow and better myself.

so i guess there is one thing i can thank them for. for getting me to fall in love and realize how much i truly have to give. i’m going to invest that love in the people who actually love and respect me, and respect my feelings. and continue working on myself for the benefit of my and those around me.

and who knows, maybe one day i’ll find someone as funny and charming who’ll treat me better. someone i can share as much of myself with as i did with them, who wont take me for granted. until then, i just want to learn to be content with myself.

[you-did-well-moon]

questions tag :))

i was tagged by the lovely @bearboyunho thank uuuu

relationships: I was in one for a maximum of three hours dkejek. Ill explain in the breakup question. This is definitely not a relationship im proud of. It caused me too many problems considering how short it was...

break-ups: I have so many trust issues and insecurities, i think i still have a long way to grow before i can enter a relationship, besides i havent met anyone yet. I didn't lead this person on, i treated him as a friend. And i usually spent more time with him since we were both in track. He caught feelings for me which i honestly knew about but i didnt say anything bc i didnt have feelings for him. One day during lunch with all my friends at the time he asked for a relationship. He later confessed to me he did this on purpose because he knew i would feel bad saying no to him, and that paired with the pressure of my friends, i said yes. He held my hand, and it just didn't feel right. Everything didnt feel right. So three hours later i got him alone and told him i wasnt ready for a relationship but that we could still be friends. He took it relatively well, but he avoided me. His cousin confronted me and told me he cried all weekend, but she said she understood and that she was glad i said no in the end which i was confused about but didnt question just wanting to leave it behind. Then it all started the next year. Out of nowhere he texted me, which was ???? Bc i never gave him my number, but i talked to him believing he was doing this on friendly intentions. lol i was a dumbass. Later my friend revealed to me he had lied to her and said i was paired up with him during a project. I also found out he asked her for pictures of me. His cousin which im friends with also told me she was sure he was not befriending me on good intentions, and that she was creeped out by him. My friends had continuously told me he would speak about me as if we were together to other people, and that he stared at me for weird periods of time. At this point im fucking scared and confront him and say i dont want to be friends with him and that i dont think us talking or being friends is healthy for either one of us. He continued texting me, making me feel bad when i didnt respond asking me if i hated him i had to eventually block him. He gave me a present on both valentines and Christmas which i rejected but he forced me to accept them. After class i always packed up my stuff slowly bc i had a good relationship with my teacher and talked to her. He stood in front of me and just stared at me while i packed. We actually had a kpop club, and one day he showed up. I was part of student council, and at the middle of the year he started attending. He sent me kpop memes to try to get my attention. I felt so unsafe i told my English teacher. Eventually he gave up when i started being firmer in my silence and overall attitude towards him. so yeah.... a relationship that didnt even last a day caused all this. I genuinely wish i had been more careful. The red flags were there from the beginning and i tried ignoring them bc i wanted to be nice. Dont do that, if someone maked you uncomfortable please dont feel bad and cut them off for as long as you need to. Anyways- nExT quEstiOn.

kids: i dont have any but i want twins so badly it's stupid. I honestly dont mind having kids that aren't twins. I just want two tbh. A girl and boy.

brothers and sisters: i have one sister who's five years younger than me. Im very close with my two cousins tho so theyre like sister to me too. They're older than me by more than five years.

pets: i have three dogs. Two shih tzus Otis and Bella, Bella is mother to Otis. He's the only puppy we kept from when Bella had puppies. I have Rocky a very clumsy english bulldog. I also have a beta fish called Suho.

surgeries: Ive had two. One when i was four to get my tonsils removed because i got sick a lot, and last year i got my gallbladder removed because i had gall stones. That one was so painful i couldnt laugh or do anything without everything hurting.

tattoos: None but i would like one. Not big ones, just small meaningful ones.

countries i’ve been to: Mexico....i miss it

been in an airplane: my family is not in the class where we can take an airplane to travel or even travel to other states. Ive only been on it twice for a contest i won.

been in an ambulance: Twice as much as i can remember. Once for my sister who had a really bad seizure when i took her to a doctors appointment and the other when they had to transport me to another hospital when they first found out i had gall stones.

i sing karaoke: no but you can usually find me singing along to a song on the radio or randomly around my house.

ice skating: I would love to try. The closest ive gotten is rollerblading. I can't do any fancy tricks but i can balance, but oh no i havent gone in such a long time. My poor rollerblades are collecting dust in my garage.

been on a cruise: ..... this is a joke right? Let me have enough money to buy groceries first.

driven a motorcycle: ah i would really like a motorcycle, but no never.

ridden a horse: Lolol all the time. When i was young my uncle helped out at some stables that were literally at the end of my street snd and he always took me a long with him. A lot of my family especially in Mexico and in the valley have ranchos which means they have horses and you can usually find me hanging out with the lovely animals.

stayed in a hospital: I once went because my head was killing me and i found out it was migraines. I had gall stones for seven months and stayed in the hospital about two times a month so yeah i was there a lot. And for the surgery of course.

favorite fruit or berry: Watermelon and Guayaba. Also green grapes.

favorite color: peach and aqua.

last text: "ye ok" it was from me to my cousin since i was gonna go to her house but she was with my grandma who tested positive for covid so we both decided it would be safer for me to keep my distance.

coffee or tea: coffee. i need it to survive. As long as it has sugar im ok. But tea is great for when my stomach hurts. I just prefer coffee. I could drink it any hour.

favorite pie: Pecan, especially with ice cream its so good. Key lime isnt bad either.

favorite pizza: i dont really care? I like all of them but when i was little and we'd go to the mall my dad would always get this big pizza that was big enough to have things stuffed inside it and it tasted so good. Its a good memory.

cat or dog: dog but i really want a cat.

favorite time of year: Chritmas and Thanksgiving always. I love it. Especially Christmas when my family gathers together and we play games and everyone brings a traditional Mexican dish. We stay until like 4 am and its always great.

met a star: That one woman who had an affair with george bush. I met her. That doesnt really count. Yeah no one, i met basketball players but i dont remember from which team or who they were. I met ted cruz. Cool story tho my english teacher knew one of shinee's choreographers.

flown a helicopter:..... umm. nO..

been on tv: Nah. Probably in the backround of some news things.

broken my leg: no ive never broken a bone surprisingly.

seen a ghost: i had sleep paralysis it was close enough.

been sick in a taxi: never even been in a taxi. Ive been on a uber tho.

Tags: @doyoungbunnyagenda @butterflybam @brighttragedy @saturnsluna @waterfallsandrosebuds @jooheonyonehunnit @leecherryyong

[musingmycelium]

5 questions for writers

tagged by @tevivinter and @theaiobhan <3

1. Do you have a favorite character to write? Who and why?

slams ellanis down on the table

hi have you met my son i literally never shut up about him. ellanis is absolutely my fav oc to write about but im also partial to the whole dao trio i have and, surprisingly, william hawke is becoming a favorite of mine to write.i enjoy exploring the differences in their voices and ellanis in particular is near and dear to me bc im projecting  he’s an important character to me and his thought process is really melodic to sink into

as far as canon characters go i, obviously, enjoy writing zevran since his wit and charm are really delicious to break down and get to know. his headspace is fun to explore because its incredibly wrapped up in all these different layers and he’s slow to expose most of them.

2. Do you have a favorite trope to write? Or one you want to write?

i am a HUGE fan of tropes in general and a favorite of mine is enemies to friends to lovers. i love exploring redemption arcs and why the characters go through them, i love digging into the chemistry between characters when they’re pitted against each other until they’re not and now what happens, i love sinking my teeth into the growth that can really only happen in those situations

3. Share your favorite description you’ve written?

oh this is a hard one bc.... all of my writing is so description heavy lmao but honestly my favorite descriptions are centered around noure so have a bit of them

White petals blushing pink litter the streets. Grow soggy in the rain with quick feet splashing through the sweetly scented puddles. Spring in the alienage, renewal under the flowering vhenadahl. Noure dashes from side-alley to shadows in the thick rain and hopes the tracks they leave are not worth following. 

Catching their breath under an overhanging roof Noure dares to look back. Scans the near-empty streets for any sign of a sword surrounded by flame and finds nothing but endless gray water. Sighs their relief. Noure’s shoulders slump without the tight tension holding them hunched together, sag into the damp brick behind them. 

It’s not spring without a raid. Without shemlen templars trampling fresh blossoms underfoot, noses wide not with the scent of spring but looking for hidden magic. Bloodsport. Plate armor dinging with each raindrop and none of them hide. Walking through streets vacated recently enough for shadows to still be shrinking into the corners the templars raise their heads and hunt.

But Noure is not prey today. No, they sneak their way through back streets and what passes for gardens to Ellanis’ window. Second floor and covered by the neighbor’s roof Noure fumbles for the hidden latch with chill-clumsy fingers in a brief vulnerable moment before it clicks. And they tumble inside. 

4. Share your favorite dialogue you’ve written?

okay now this one is definitely my favorite by... maybe a large margin bc im just a sucker for shit like this

“If you say so.” Zevran shrugs lazily, smirk on his face and eyes not leaving Ellanis’ own. “You don’t have any reason to trust me, perhaps I should not have expected you to answer.” He laughs, “Actually, I didn’t even expect you to answer the door. But you even let me inside your quarters, alone, at night. I should have taken that as my answer.” 

“Don’t worry about my self preservation, Zevran, I’m always in control.” Ellanis can smell him he’s so close, blade oil and leather. Subtle and overwhelming him, dizzying Ellanis from proximity. 

Distracts him.

“Are you in control, bello?” The gentle slide of metal on leather is almost lost in the harshness of Ellanis’ exhale. But the coolness of the blade against his neck is not. Zevran’s eyes haven’t changed, they’re still warm and relaxed and golden. Deceptive. 

Voice like velvet, grip like steel. Pressure only. For a heartbeat time stands still, metal on skin electrifying. Zevran’s hand is perfectly still without a shiver of indecision. The gall.

Without hesitation Ellanis grasps Zevran with his magic. Allows the creeping tendrils of his mana to invade the eddies of Zevran seizing his arm with a memory of old wounds and locks it in place. The corners of Zevran’s mouth flick upward for a fraction of a second, eyes widening a measure. It lights Ellanis on fire. 

“I told you. Always.” Ellanis plucks the dagger from Zevran’s stiff fingers setting it down on the ink stained parchment. “Don’t doubt or underestimate me again.” Under his skin his blood boils, but not with rage. It’s a prickling racing across him, an itch he can’t scratch. Unfamiliar and unnameable.

5. Scene you haven’t written, but want to?

so many bro oh my fuck

im chipping away at a prompt fill i got like..... i think maybe a full 8-9 months ago now and it’s the scene where ellanis says i love you to zevran for the first time its a MONSTER of a scene because there is so much Background going on and maybe all of three people care about that background by come hell or high water i’m gonna write it lmao

there’s also lots of little scenes i want to write, i want to write about william and varric and how their relationship really unfolds, i want to write about da’ean and bull and dorian and fill in the gaps i left last time i told their story, i want to write about noure’s time in nevarra and how they shape kirkwall when they get there, how attie and morrigan just absolutely fuck it up in orlais and ellanis during dai is still a fucking badass and doesn’t let anything or anyone get in the way of what needs done OUGHH theres just so much bro

i’ll tag @veridium-bye @goblin-deity @ocean-in-my-rebel-soul and @madamsnark <3 no obligations of course!

[nickyneshwrites]

Cold chapter 2

ITALICS=Thinking to themself

------------------------------------------------------------

”So could you regale me with your amazing feat Nezumi-san, you say you fought with Shizu-chan”

”You mean how my boys and I completely beat that fuckers ass! Don't know why nobody else could do it especially you Orihara-san"

Izaya let out a dry laugh and plastered on the most believable smile he could muster in front of the would-be gang leader.

It was humans like these that made Izaya remember why he did-what he did,2 weeks...That's how long it had been since he last saw Shizuo, at first he thought the blond was just looking for some time alone- he was looking less angry and more down lately avoiding contact and sleeping in his old apartment instead of their shared flat, and Izaya didn't like that. He was worried and when he heard rumors of some small time gang having attacked and beaten the man (his Shizu-chan), and won a week ago, so he decided it was time to take action.

Days of searching, called in favors and the few broken fingers of a poor underling later Izaya had found and made contact with the leader of the...... It didn't even matter, they attacked his Shizuo.

”Nezumu-san as happy as I am for your victory, Shizuo isn't known to stay down for long” Izaya was fighting to hold his composure he was leaning against a grimy alley wall and fingering his switchblade in his coat's pocket.

The bastard had the gall to stand smugly in front of him.

”Ha from what I heard he goes down pretty easy for you.....”

’!!!!’ Izaya was not pleased...

He let out a mirthless chuckle, ”Nezumu-san no matter how much you boast and flatter I find it hard to believe that you and your crew single-handedly took out Shizuo Heiwajima, so lets cut the pleasantries and get real, where is he now?”.

The sentence was punctuated by a blade being pointed dangerously at the unsuspecting street urchin.

He looked worried, said Nezumi was new to the city and wasn't acquainted with Izaya’s brand of business and it was painfully obvious he thought Izaya was here in this decrepit alleyway to thank or congratulate him...there would be no such thing.

”T-tch like I said man we taught the bastard a lesson after interferin’ in our business and left ’im lying in ’der” the smug look his face fell as he noticed the informant skip closer his red eyes glinting.

”I didn't check to see if he left and I'd be surprised if he could walk after all we di-!!!”

All too late he saw the glint of silver fly towards him, but he did feel warm blood trickle down his side and tastes copper in his mouth as he bit into his tongue, then he saw the very pissed informant charge towards him and armed with another knife only to be kicked to his back.

”I think I've heard quite enough of that from you. It seems you misinterpreted your invitation here this time evening, because of YOU!!!”

Izaya pressed his leg on the handle of the knife stuck probably in Nezumi’s ribs eliciting a pained gasp.

”I can't find my Shizu-chan, so let me correct whatever wrong assumption is drifting around in that empty skull of yours”

He leaned down grabbing then twisting the knife he lodged in the urchins side.

”I'm.Going.To. Make.You.Disappear”

He drove the knife deeper while twisting and adding pressure on every syllable.

The urchin dared to gasp in pain and try to pull away begging for mercy ”S-STOP, I-WE DIDN’T KILL HIM, SO WHY GO AFTER ME!!!” He yelled as another knife was plunged straight through his hand pinning it to the alley floor.

Izaya laughed in the dark grimey alley and without thinking twice then answered.

”Because you touched my property....”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shadows...shadows everywhere, whisking up the walls, casting on the ground and climbing up his body moving to his head, trying to ensnare his mind, whispering the sweet nothings of doubt and self hate in his mind.

He remembers calling Tom telling him he didn't feel well-it was close enough to the truth.

He remembers the buzzing in his head, the numb limbs, the static in his ears.

He was wandering down the street everything was....grey his vision swam with this paste of grey the, people?. They were all more unfocused blobs, he had kept his head down too afraid to see looks of fear and distaste.

He was wet wasn't he....among a sea of shadows and umbrellas he saw his reflection in a shop window.......All he saw was grey.

Shizuo closed his eyes, where was he to look when all he saw was the demons of his mind crawling on the wall's.

Walls?...Where am I?...These aren't my walls...Not Izaya’s walls...Izaya!

What the hell is happening,why isn't he here!? I can't breath I can't think I need...

”Izay....!”

In his frazzled state, Shizuo failed to notice the syringe that was inserted in his arms and as the sedative worked in his system he fell limp on the bed.

The shaking hands of a young man in an lab coat dropped the syringe and quickly headed for the door, he opened the bolts and briskly made his way down to an office and wasted no time in entering.

”Did you do as I instructed” The voice sounded mildly irritated probably due to the fact that they wanted nothing to do with this mess.

”Y-yes S-shiki-dono he's put to sleep with enough sedative to put an elephant to sleep but with his uhm... Unique psysiology it'll only last about twenty four hours...”

Shiki sighed ”Thats good enough, it'll give me time to inform the informant of his whereabouts... Ever since the supposed defeat of Heweijima The fool has been harassing the city gangs more than normal I'm sure he was looking for the blonde”

He looked at the confused scientist.

”I thought that Heiwajima and Orihara hated each other,Heiwajima he was calling out for him... Are the two of them...like that?”

The scientist fidgeted under the intense gaze of the Awakusu-Kai member.

Shiki let out a loud huff then made a non-comital sound.

”It doesn't matter does it all that matters is that we give Orihara what he wants and we get that raging monster out of here what's wrong with him anyways......asides from the wounds he got from the fight”

The young man straightened as he realised the attention was back on him

”Its not my area of expertise but I believe he is going through some sort of delirious episode though I can't tell why” He mumbled out his answer and tried to get the words out as quickly and accurately as he could.

Shiki sat there and took in this new piece of information, what in the world would make someone like Heiwajima Shizuo have an episode....Hmm it seemed everyone did have their own issues.

”Interesting...”

”What was that Shiki-dono?”

Shiki just pointed to the doors.

”Nothing. You can leave now...Also if you breath a word of this outside this room, lets just say you won't be breathing for much long after”

The eyes of the prominent Awakusu-kai member bore deep into the young man.

”U-understood”

And then he left.

Shiki release a breath he didn't know he was holding then scratched his head.

”Ahh this is so much more trouble than it's worth That annoying informant owes me so much for this. But it might be worth a little if I can get him to stop rampaging around the city. Who would have guessed, it seems he cares more than he let on”

Interesting, very interesting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ao3~

Give me your opinion I hope you like it.

[unholyhelbiglinked]

Camp Beaverbrook | 007

CHECK OUT THE STORY FROM THE START HERE

Hey Mom!

It’s been what? A week since I’ve last written. I’m not really sure if they’re sending these letters on Fridays or if they actually spend that much money on postage. Part of me thinks that they don’t send them at all and they’re just sitting in those big plastic cases that Gail always keeps under lock and key. It’s been fun, though, but I’m ready to be a counselor now. I think this is the perfect send off.

Emily

She mindlessly pushed the three lone carrots against the broth backdrop. They looked sad, all of their coating having tinted the liquid that they swam in. They looked like little life rafts that could carry a whole person if a person was an ant.

She had her lip between her teeth, her stare trained in the general direction of the counselors. On one counselor that had the sunlight hitting her just right as it rose against the mess hall. Emily had a full conversation with her yesterday, one where she only choked on her words once or twice. She knew Aubrey, had seen her every single day at camp for the past three and a half years but still- each time was met with her heart in her throat and an instant moisture to her palms.

The blonde did a bit of a double take, first catching a gray gaze before shooting back down to her own food and up again. She offered up a kind smile and a half-hearted wave. Emily fumbled with herself, cheeks inflamed as she lifted her chin in a nod and looked back toward the grooves of the table that had gotten so interesting. An onion clung to the back of her spoon.

“You are helpless.” Hayley tore a generous piece from a roll, dipping it into the broth. “Just jump her bones already.”

“What?” Emily hissed, voice low “I don’t want to- I mean, she’s flawless but that doesn’t mean I need to have sex with her. Honestly just being in her presence-“She trailed off, gulping in a heap of air “Where’s Jane?”

“Nice change of subject Michel Emerson.”

Emily let out a deep grumble at the reference. Hayley was playing to her weakness; a shitty movie about vampires that hung from the bottom of train tracks. Michel Emerson had risked everything for a pretty girl with an alluring personality, even if it did turn him into a creature of the night. “Seriously, asshole, she hasn’t shown for lunch, and now dinner?”

“So? Jane never shows. She probably passed out after her time slot on the lake. Yeah?” Hayley rolled her eyes.

She had spent more than enough time talking Emily down. She had kept the clumsy girl from nearly drowning in the lake when Aubrey told her to simply cool off. It was getting late, there was sleep eating away at the edge of her mind and it showed in her demeanor. Not particularly sunny, but often times confused with discontent.

“Sure.” Emily agreed, not having anything else to do. She had lost all appetite for any type of dinner. There was a sneaking pinprick at the back of her mind. Something that she had gotten before. Her mother used to say the uneasiness was a clear sign that she needed to listen to her gut. But that was only before she put her on a plane for a class trip to New York with enough money to buy mace as soon as they touched down.

Now it was rocking her whole entire sense of being.

Emily let her spoon fall into the soup that was mainly untouched. It created a loud noise and beef broth soaked against her cheek. Hayley flinched, lifting her eyebrows. “You’re going to offend the chef.”

Coffee eyes shot towards the kitchen, Jesse was bringing the knife down on what looked like more onions. It certainly smelled that way. He had bulky headphones over his ears and a towel against his shoulder, head bobbing along. Somehow, she knew he would be okay.

She rolled her eyes and swung her legs over the bench. “Wha- where are you going?”

“I am going to go check her cabin,” Emily said, throwing her napkin down against the bowl of soup before gathering it all together. She didn’t wait for Hayley to open her mouth in protest, instead, she walked towards the very window that supplied the neon light of the kitchen.

Jesse glanced up, lifting his chin slightly before she gave him a wary smile and dropped the bowl before anyone else had, careful not to spill the broth. He went back to bobbing his head, and Emily exited the mess hall trying impossibly hard not to look towards the counselors.

There was a frigid chill to the air that made her seek for any type of warmth, a jacket over her simple cotton t-shirt, something to ease the cold that presented itself the moment the sun started to lower against the pine needle trees.

She shoved her hands into her jean shorts and walked against the path that had been carved out ages ago. There were boot prints, and even bare feet tracked in the loose dirt. Her breath pressed into the air in a soft cloud, something she used to exhaust. That small prick buzzing like her table was ready at a family restaurant.

The cabin looked bigger than before, almost like each of the three steps that she took up to the screen door were miles long. Her legs ached and shook, but she still pulled it open and glanced around the space: Her bed had been made this morning and was still left untouched. Hayley’s was a mess under her own, and Jane was empty. The covers were pulled back and the setting sun highlighted it in a ghastly orange.

Emily let out the breath that she didn’t know she was holding onto. Her lungs burned, and her ears were ringing now. A pressure and anxiety that she couldn’t fiddle with tugged at her. The door creaking open as she turned to face it.

Hayley.

She leaned against the doorframe, eyebrows raised. “Not here?”

“No, afraid not.” Emily let out a deep breath. “Dinner over?”

The girl nodded and flopped down on her mattress, stretching her hands out over her head as she groaned as her back popped in just the right way. She didn’t think she took that long to walk to the cabin across the camp, but she had, dragging her feet and begging for a reason to make the ringing stop.

Emily could feel her throat tighten and she blamed the cold air, not the deepening feeling in her stomach as she shook her head and pushed past her screen door, standing staggered against the steps to her cabin. It was crowded this time, kids trying to get back to their bunks before the mountain night grew chillier.

She watched as kids that wore a mix of forest green and golden yellow walked among counselors that were far from finished with their nights. She would often see the fire rising from the rocky shore and smell the beer in the metal trash cans that next morning. The thought made her skin prickle.

Aubrey Posen stood by the edge of the path, her arms crossed over her chest as those deep green eyes peered into Beca’s. The girl was shorter than her superior, but the way she puffed out her chest and sneered made Emily think that she had more gall than the woman she was looking for. Chloe had an even hand on her shoulder as if to hold her back or pull her to their shared cabin. The archery instructor lifting perfectly sculpted eyebrows up in discontent.

Emily steeled her nerves and walked forward, cutting across the crowd as a few people mumbled while others stared directly at her. She kept her distance, but not too much, Beca Mitchell shooting her midnight stare her way as if to acknowledge her presence.

“Hey, Em” Chloe offered up warmly, trying to defuse the situation, Aubrey’s own stare had softened a great deal, though, she never let her shoulders drop. “What’s up?”

She wanted words for form, really, she did. But they seemed to stall in her throat. At the crackling sound that she let out, Aubrey straightened her shoulders and turned herself completely towards the camper, knitting her brow. “Em?”

“I don’t want to bother you, it’s just- Jane, my cabin mate, I haven’t seen her all day.”

She knew she was taking it slow, mumbling. Four sets of eyes were on her. The surrounding area had been voided of kids, all of them sneaking liquor in their own cabins. Smoking loose cigarettes that they had hidden in their t-shirts before spraying a thick layer of lavender spray.  

“She usually misses breakfast, but never lunch, or dinner. I’m uh, I’m worried about her.”

“Jane Eide?” Stacie asked, shoving her hands into the pockets of her oversized sweatshirt. “I’ve been working with her. She didn’t show today, though, figured she had fallen asleep.”

“I pulled her from the water the other night,” Beca admitted, “Late. She and two others were out on the lake after dark.”

Aubrey pulled in an easy breath, one that was far too calm for a situation like this, there was an unknown type of fear that was behind her darkened eyes. One that she wouldn’t really admit to, but Emily could see it. She could feel it.

“Right, so no one has seen her since last night?” All silence and blinking eyes. “Emily, did you hear her come in last night?”

“No, I didn’t. Neither did Hayley.”

“Okay. Stacie, you go back to the mess hall with Jesse, search the mess hall and the quad.” Aubrey had a certain stiffness to her voice. “Chloe, Beca. I need you to go to the north building and check the phone log- maybe she phoned home. Emily, follow me.”

No one made a move for a few seconds, just staring at the woman in front of them until she clapped her hands together and snapped everyone out of a haze that felt like a hazy dream. Campers didn’t just vanish. Some would get homesick, sure, but they would call their parents and get picked up begrudgingly. The feeling Emily had seemed to stem within the circle of them and extend- Stacie the first to nod and step away, doing a slight jog towards her station.

Chloe took reign and used the hand still on Beca’s shoulder to drag her towards the building that housed a small desk and the white postal bucket that everyone placed their letters in. There was a phone and a yellow log to write in, hopefully, Jane had.

“Come on,” Aubrey said, and Emily followed like an obedient dog on a short leash. They were walking in one clear direction and Aubrey was moving fast the cold not seeming to get to her, so Emily rolled her shoulders back and forgot about her own chilled bones.

Aubrey pushed past the door to her little cabin, something that looked out over the east side of the lake and was isolated to everyone else. No one dared come this close to a place like this, the place that Aubrey would sit and drink coffee before anyone disturbed her.

Emily didn’t know what to expect, but it looked almost normal: There was a little television that was an obnoxious shade of blue and had rabbit ears stretching to the sky. A nicely made bed and a small table with two chairs on either side of it. There were lights strung up over a floral bedspread. It smelled thickly of lavender, and it pulled Emily in. She struggled to stay against the threshold.

“Here,” Aubrey seemed slightly out of breath, she stretched forward and handed Emily a hard metal flashlight. She had palmed one herself, its silver shell reflecting the fairy lights. “We’re going to check around the lake.”

“Okay,” was all Emily could mumble, the woman pulled open what looked like a closet instead of a dresser. She produced a brown leather bomber jacket that had a fur collar, folded and covered in patches. It looked worn and overwhelmed her with scent as it was tossed in her direction. “I can’t-“

“It’s cold,” Aubrey said tenderly. She was wearing a sweatshirt herself, adjusting the collar as she flicked off the light and pressed herself through the doorway. Emily could feel her heat against her front.

She hurriedly slid it over her shoulders before closing the door and jogging slightly to catch up with Aubrey, she had already flicked her flashlight on. It created a circle of yellow that she swept over the grounds that they walked against, their sneakers loud compared to the silence of the night. Emily couldn’t hear crickets.

Her shoulder would bump against Aubrey’s every couple of steps, and she savored the touch, moving her own beam of light close to the water’s edge. It lapped at the stones and made them look prettier than they really were.

“I lost my hamster once.” Emily finally said timidly.

There was a slight hint of a laugh, or maybe a scoff, that pushed past Aubrey’s lips. Either way,  its splayed against the darkness of the sky in a puff of white. “What?”

“Yeah, when I was six, I had a hamster and he got out of his cage somehow. We couldn’t find him for a couple of days- maybe a week. I don’t remember. I was six. But we finally found him, you know.”

“Where was he?” Aubrey asked, pulling a branch up for the both of them to duck under. It smelled like pine and dropped dead needles at the movement. The lights from the camp were getting smaller as they wandered into the large isolated parts of the perimeter. The lights from the cabins looked like they were put through a funhouse mirror as they reflected off the inky water.

“He was in the television.”

“Your hamster?”

Emily hummed in response, letting her light move against the stretch of trees. They looked scarier at night. “Yeah, in that little part where the speakers usually are. He had chewed through all of them, so at least we knew he didn’t starve. The little guy lived four more years after that… so uh, maybe we’ll find her. You know?”

“Jane is a person, not a rodent.”

“Oh, I know,” Emily’s shoe slid on the closest rock, the sound splaying oddly as Aubrey instinctively reached and clutched onto her arm, keeping her from sliding too much “Thanks. I just don’t think I’ve lost anything else before.”

Aubrey stopped then, her back to the forest as she parted her lips. Emily didn’t know if it had anything to do with her eyes adjusting or the fact that the moon had risen to its fullest point, but it was easier to see. Every part of Aubrey looked milky blue, her lips and eyes darker than the rest of her subtle features. She looked like a siren, playing oddly with the rubber button on her light. Almost like she was nervous.

“I have,” Aubrey said, so softly it was almost muted by the water lapping the shore. “My father he uh, he left when I was fifteen, maybe sixteen? I don’t think we tried too hard to find him but it um, it feels kind of like this. You know?”

“Like someone is holding your heart and just kind of… squeezes it?”

Aubrey let out a long-held onto breath “Yeah, yeah. Like that. Is it getting tighter for you too?”

Emily chewed on her bottom lip. She had to admit, the feeling seemed to melt away around Aubrey. She was a calming presence, an authority figure that she gawked at if anything. Aubrey sniffed, eyes sad in the moonlight as they flicked towards Emily’s mouth. “Yeah, I think so.” It was no more than a whisper.

“Emily…?”

“Yeah, Aubrey?”

The older woman’s hands were cold as she took a fluid step forward, her fingers curling around the back of Emily’ neck as she let the other hand hold tight against the flashlight. Emily had kissed people before, hell, she had done it often and diligently, but this was different. This was soft and Aubrey tasted like a mix of cinnamon and heat. Her nose was cold against her cheek as her touch moved against Emily’s jaw delicately.

Emily pulled away with a sharp breath, leaning her forehead against Aubrey’s. That hand around her heart had released its hold and let it flourish as the blood rushed past her ears. “Whoa.”

“That was-“Aubrey swallowed, her hand dropped her hand down “I’m sorry, I misread the situation, I’m sorry.” She apologized twice in one sentence, wanting to move away completely, but she had found Emily’s hand curled around the collar of her sweatshirt, holding her in place.

“No,” She whispered, “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to do that but-“

“It’s not the right time.” Aubrey finished her thought, swallowing roughly. “We need to keep going.”

Emily nodded and eventually dislodged her fingers from the girl's coat, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do. They returned to walking in silence, their feet crunching against dried leaves and gravel. She could swear she felt the ghost of a cold hand.  

[lexyjg]

New Surgery

Hello all i know its been a long time since i have been on here. Life has been, well life. 1. Huge life event that happened, i now have an amazing boyfriend, yeah, me. Its been several months, love him to death. He looks past all the things that i call flaws. Its a healthy relationship, which im not use to,at all. Hes a big guy, looking to get into this weight loss journey as well. 2. I havent spoke on this much but around this time in 2012, is when my mothers health began to decline. In and out of hospitals, surgeries etc, until her death on dec 22 of 2012. So from june, until then its a very hard time for me and my sister. Thats one of the reason i decided to start writing again. Im working for a clothing company that i love! It will be a year in sept. 

So, for the news...Im having another surgery done. Ive gained back 34 pounds of what i lost, on top of that my cholesterol is high, blood pressure is ok, but im not pre diabetic. Yes, ive messed up a lot! I feel so guilty, ashamed, every kind of emotion you can thing up. Im up a pant size and shirt size. I was doing fine food wise, following what im suppose to. BUT my weakness is desserts. Peanut MMS, cakes, cookies, donuts. I got really bad, and out of hand. When i got my blood work back and those were the results, i cried and my heart sank. I said i would NEVER be the person to screw up this opportunity. Now look. I went to see my surgeon for a follow up, explained everything to him, and thats when he mentioned this surgery, Its called The Duodenal Switch. Im sure youve heard about it in your seminars, online etc. Its a combo of the Gastric Sleeve. They remove your gall bladder, and reroute your intestines. This way you consume less calories etc. This was the surgery  i was going to have, but when you do it with out doing the sleeve first, its a very long process, and a lot of healing time, so i opted to do the sleeve. Well thank God he is giving me another chance to make things right. I will NOT fail this time. Once im healed my boyfriend, friends, family, whoever is going to work out together, Im cutting down on desserts a lot.Not all the way, but a huge change is going to happen. Im going to meal prep, I wasnt eating no where near as much calories as im suppose to, let me rephrase that, healthy calories. 

So in june 27th i started the liquid diet again. I have my surgery scheduled at st lukes for july 11th. It can not come fast enough. I took 16 days off of work. Im hoping that will be enough, they say people usually take off a month. I cant do that, but will if need be.So how am i feeling? Not great. Im barely getting over the sugar detox. It was horrible. I was very fatigued, light headed, dizzy, nauseous on and off. The will power to fight not getting something to eat is very hard this go round. Last year, i prepared myself. I was juicing, but down on sweets, fats, fried foods etc. So this part wasnt a problem, of course i had cravings but i was fine. Even thought my stomach did expand a little bit, its very hard to drink the full meal replacement shake. So im doing 6oz of water instead of the 8oz. I have to have it 4 times a day or i feel so sluggish. Im going to do 3 times a day and add a protein bar that im going to make myself tomorrow. Ill take pics and let you know how it takes, and ill leave the recipe. I got it online, but im doing alot of tweaking to it.

As for the testing etc, thankfully i didnt have to  do all the seminars and request again, just the preop testing. They went fine. My weight before i started was 356, since starting the liquid diet im now 340. I will try my hardest to keep you all updated after the surgery. Im not sure how ill feel after this one. 

[decodervon]

Call and Response.

The fact that you admitted to hard drug use after a death and have the gall to tell ME how to use my drugs is pretty bold. I told you a long time ago that the closer you got to Burlesque you got, the more hard drugs you would imbibe. I even quoted Coke. I haven’t had coke since my first time. Focus that worry on yourself, because you’re still finding reasons and excuses to do it. So do not preach to me unless you’re willing to practice. I also don’t like that you’re blacking out on different drugs. I did know you can black out on Molly. Did you know you can DIE from Molly? I’m glad Hollie is taking care of you, but you shouldn’t find yourself in these precarious positions to begin with. Grief isn’t an excuse and you can ask ANYONE who’s fallen to alcohol or drug use after a death. I’m happy your shared, but very disappointed at your continued path towards harder drugs.

Its... interesting to hear about the new guy. I need to calm down a little from my previous paragraphs, since I’m still a little upset at your hard drug use. So yeah. All of this sounds like more or less what I gathered. Anyone new could’ve filled the void of needing a new person to cleanse your pallet after the last few years. I’d say it sounds like bad news to mess with someone living with an Ex, regardless of when they move out, but for the type of relationship you’re trying to have, I don’t think it matters. They say that for Evil to succeed that Good Men have to do nothing. That’s in relation to you knowing how that relationship is going to end with his ex. It’ll be fire and sadness and he’ll look to you to pick up the pieces and that’ll be that. That’ll be the time where exclusivity is talked about and the actual relationship starts. You have a lot of experience, but I’m not going to try and give any advice. To be honest, I want it to fail. Not because you dont deserve someone nice or because I’m mad. But because I’m petty. I wish it was still me you came to and I can make my peace with it. There will always be another guy in line ready to dote. Sorry, I am a little bitter. I shouldn’t be, but I’m honest here. I feel better after talking. I know what you’re getting out of it and I know you’re completely guarded. With all the strength you’ve gained through your new identity, I’m not sure even I could pierce them without a great plan.  so yeah. i know what you’re getting out of a casual relationship. i expected as much. still hurts. still expected. and i don’t... really know if you fully get the ramifications of who I’m seeing. like. if it was anyone else in my Rogue’s Gallery of Exs and women, shrugging them off would be totally warranted. But we both know that Kat isn’t one of them. She’s a totally different level. A level that’s persisted for damn near a decade. I don’t want to freak you out, but I take my dealings with her deadly serious. Much more than anyone else. As I mentioned, it’s on a Caitlyn level. And she was not the one that asked me on a date. I broke that off. 

She’s... too good to me. She’s exactly like what you need, but I don’t have to stay guarded. It’s... shocking, to be honest. All she wants to do is watch anime and play video games together and just... lay around. Its a godsend after all the anger I’ve felt lately and all the mixed up feelings. i’m so scared i’ll mess everything up, because thats what i do. sometimes it takes a while, but i always push people away sooner or later. thats why i’m keeping my emotional distance. i don’t.. i don’t want her to fall into the pit that is me without understanding how damaged i am. i don’t want to lie to her or trick her or push her or anything. it’s all strange and shocking and i still don’t... really believe it. why would she want me. why am i what helped her change back to guys? it’s... a lot of pressure. i’m... not great. i know in my heart i would still meet up with you if given the chance.. probably. but i know if i was seeing anyone else, itd be a definitely yes, instead of a maybe. and THATS why i think this makes it much more serious in this scenario.

sorry. i’m in a weird place. this isn’t normally where i write from and i feel kinda confused and weird.

on a different note..

you have a headstart on anyone, due to the fact i shared some... very intimate shortcuts with you. (and i mean. i think im kinda into it. i do like hearing you be a dom.. i really liked that time where you forced me to fuck you.) and yeah. i know your guy doesn’t mean anything to you emotionally. mine is.. i’m trying not to open myself up too fast. thats why i’m taking things slow and why things aren’t official in any capacity. i’m not ready for it like you’re not ready for it, it’s just a lot harder for me to stir up something casual (much like it would be harder for you to stir up something serious, kinda our polar opposites.) and I hate to put the ball in your court, but you’re the one with the busy life and schedule. even during the time i tried to win you back, you barely had time for me. you work a full-time job, have a full-time hobby/lifestyle, and don’t stay up past midnight. you could throw a dart and hit some free time for me. your freetime is a bull’s eye. you’d have to be the one to ride your bike through the winter winds to come get me. which.. saddens me because.. it’s hot, but its not realistic. you barely did things like that when i asked, expecting them out of the blue is... irresponsible. but i can’t tell you what it’ll actually be. thats up to to you. i can’t be the creepy ex showing up around your house. hell, maybe even a seedy motel middlegroud is the answer. idk.

and i worked hard to make you cum. i learned your body from scratch and knew it better than anyone. i could’ve made you cum no matter how you felt. sick as a dog, sad as hell... it didn’t matter. i could suck the life out of you over and over if you’d let me. i like hearing you say that though. i like it a lot. i.. always wished you spent more time and learned the same stuff about going down on me.. but thats something /you/ have to decide and want to do. just something that was there to practice on. i could’ve helped. whatever. nevermind. doesn’t matter. 

and... ill never have... good body self-esteem. it’s part of me. its what i search for in others. that praise for my physical body. its the easiest way into my thoughts and heart. and i hope it doesn’t scare her. >_< i’m not... worried about that so much. sex is.. a lot to me and i don’t want to throw all that on her anytime soon. if i laid with her... that tryst would be as good as dead. which is why anyone else other than her would be whatever. they wouldn’t mean anything. its why i’m scared. its why i want to take it slow.. i dont really know how long i’m on the market for.

this all scares me.