#and I find it is funner to draw this way sometimes

[changingtidesandtimesss]

Officially taking AFTG/TSC art requests if anyone is interested! <3

[sunnydayaoe]

3 + 4 (for artist asks)!!

[Short answer! 3: human faces! [first image] 4: pokemon and birds [second image]] My favorite thing to draw is pokemon and birds!! Birds are my favorite thing in all the world, and the same goes with pokemon. They're both just such fascinating topics, and it brings me great joy to draw either <3 And for my least favorite, I think it might be human faces. I love the human body so much, fat and skin folds, big tummys or exposed ribs, muscular arms or sticky bony ones, it's all fascinating and lovely! I just do not like the human face, I wish I could draw people without faces at all.

[kny-agere]

Hi, if possible, could I request Little Douma and Daki with Cg Gyutaro? If possible, could it be a scenario where Daki and Gyutaro don't know that Douma regresses, but Douma ends up regressing whilst trying to help Gyutaro look after Daki whilst she was regressed, and he also ends up regressing? Sorry if this was too specific, and of course, you do not have to write this if you do not want to.

Ok I hope this meets ur needs!! It’s less of a “omg he regresses??” and more so a natural evolution because I think Gyutaro wouldn’t be too surprised if he’s already familiar with Daki + I think ot suits Douma’s personality lol

★彡☆彡★彡

“You’re supposed to be helping watch her, not making messes too!” Gyutaro has always been a bit of a stickler for the rules. His rules at least. The man is happy to let Daki break whatever rules he sees as useless but the moment she crosses some arbitrary line he reins her in.

Douma never cared for much of that. He has little constraint as it is, when he’s allowed to indulge he does so happily. Currently he’s helping Daki spread paint over the walls.

“It’s a lot more funner like this though! And I think Daki-chan would agree right?”

“Yea! He lets me do whatever I want instead.”

The two laugh in unison. Douma draws a very squiggly figure with sharp teeth and messy hair that’s probably meant to be Gyutaro.

His snarl deepens. “Ah but now you’ve gotten her nice kimono all dirty, and it’s hard to get paint out.” With Gyutaro it’s always hard to tell if he’s being spiteful or genuine. Most of the time it’s a strange combination of both.

Pausing the girl looks down at the delicate silk over her front. There’s smears over the folds and where the sleeves sometimes slip over her hands. The paint is a bold green against the purple fabric. Almost immediately tears well up in her eyes. Like a tsunami her sadness engulfs the room immediately. “Douma-sama! Why would you d-do that. This was my, my favorite one an’ now it’s all ruined!” Her voice goes up three octaves as sobs bubble up between her words.

For all his faults the blond does look genuinely sorry. He tries to soothe Daki, offering to buy her new clothes, but she’s decided that this one is irreplaceable. Though there’s likely a dozen other that look nearly identical sitting in her large dresser her mind is hyper-focused on the now.

It’s easy for Gyutaro to soothe her. He makes soft promises until she’s no longer screaming. “This is why we gotta listen to the rules ok? Next time are you gonna listen?”

Daki still sounds rather sullen as she delivers a quiet, “yes.”

“Why don’t we change our clothes and then we can have a nap.”

“Okay.”

He picks the girl up, turning around to find Douma. When the man isn’t immediately in sight he frowns. After circling the room he places his sister back down. “Wait here for a second.” Before she can complain he’s already stepping away.

Climbing upwards he pushes his way into the attic. It’s the most obvious spot unless Douma wants to be accosted by hordes of curious women. (Which on second thought it does sound like something he’d enjoy.) The blond os spread out in the corner. His face is almost melting into the rough wood flooring.

With little care Gyutaro nudges the man’s side with his foot. In return he receives a very petulant, “go away.”

“Stop whining, you were the one making a mess.”

“I was jus’ having fun!” When Douma sits up his face is an usual splotchy red. It’s unusual for him at least, Daki often sports the look shortly before any of her tantrums. “I don’t see why you always have to make me look bad.” His tone lacks any of its typical cheeriness.

“We can have fun but that doesn’t mean we can break rules either.” Gyutaro crouches down to get on the man’s level. “And if you wanna keep coming over you gotta listen too.”

“…Okay.”

Grateful for his demonic strength the younger man scoops Douma into his arms. Immediately his mood brightens. “Oh I’ve never been carried before! Well, once ‘kaza-dono did, but that was only so he could throw me after. But this is much nicer-”

“And you gotta be quiet too because I’m gonna make Daki nap.”

In a poorly hushed tone he continues. “You didn’t say me though! So I get to keep playing right? I’ll even follow the rules, well most of them anyways.”

“All of them,” Gyutaro insists. There’s no room for argument in his voice but Douma attempts anyways.

“I’ll try! I’m not very good at ‘membering things though. And technically I’m still higher ranked than you so if I wanted to I could-“

“Stop raising your voice!”

When they enter the room again Daki has changed (not into pajamas, instead haphazardly putting on another kimono that isn’t tied well) and is eagerly waiting their arrival. “I don’t wanna go to bed anymore! If you guys are playing then I am too.”

Before Gyutaro can shut down the idea Douma is suggesting dozens of games and the two are all riled up. He’s not sure if he’ll survive the night.

[yoichichi]

HQ boys with a sick s/o HC

warning(s): none :)

a/n: my poor ❣️ anon is sick and these were inspired by our last convo, I hope you’re feeling better Angel 😭 please enjoy some hq dummies and how theyd treat a sick s/o :) <3

characters: Tsukishima, Hinata, Sugawara, Daichi, Noya, Aran, Kita, Bokuto, Kenma, Ushijima, & Aone

Tsukishima

He would act bothered at the fact you’re sick, cause of course you’re gonna ask your boyfriend for things - like any notes you might’ve missed that day. But judging how he just does your homework for you you’re pretty sure he’s not actually mad.

He’d also be bugging you about taking your medicine cause he needs you to get better fast so he isn’t “stuck bullying only Hinata”, he misses picking on you too and he says it’s funner in person

He’s kind of worried about getting sick himself so he wouldn’t see you in person much but you definitely notice how frequent he’s starting to call you, he even FaceTimed you while he was at the grocery store cause you weren’t there with him to pick out your snacks. (He knows your favs at this point, he just missed your company)

The moment you’re better and he has a chance to see you he’s a bit more physically affectionate than normal - not that either of you are complaining - he missed you very much :(

Daichi

His hearts in the right place - like he’s brought some cough drops and water and such and has this whole plan for you to get better but the moment you sneeze a little too hard he’s so :((((( and just wants to hold you and coddle you.

So he does exactly that.

It can be a bit overbearing at first cause he’s VERY adamant on you not doing thing, like he’s debating on whether or not you should even be allowed to walk to the bathroom and if he should be carrying you there instead.

Rather than catch you up on anything you missed (he’ll bother suga about it later) he’d prefers snuggling in and napping the day away with you and just hopes you’ll magically get better.

Hinata

The overly worried type who’s also somehow simultaneously oblivious.

He’s CONSTANTLY checking in like are you better yet? Can you stand? Have you been throwing up all day? Is your temp still too high?? Please call me if you need anything :((((

But then he comes over with his volleyball and is all raring to go on some walk with you cause he found this awesome little trail that has some cute clearing he thinks you’d love but he seems to have forgotten you’re kind of currently bedridden.

You tell him and almost feel bad cause you can see the disappointment on his face and the way his body kind of deflates, but then all of a sudden he’s cheering back up cause he realizes that means he gets to lay with you basically all day and love up on you (regardless of your protests telling him he’d get sick too - which he definitely does)

Sugawara

I hope you wanted some tough love :(

Don’t get me wrong, he’s all about taking care of his baby but don’t think you’re gonna be milking any extra pity out of him 😭

He’s bringing you all the right medicine and extra love and any snacks you need, but he’s also bringing any schoolwork you might be missing and he’s reminding you of those deadlines.

He makes up for it with the extra study guides he made you so you can understand the material easier, and the cute little drawings he puts in the margins to better explain the material

He feels awful for his sick baby but isn’t gonna let you fall behind <3

Noya

Really believes in the whole laughter is the best medicine type shit. He’d also be looking up all different kinds of ways to make you better if he felt like you weren’t having a speedy recovery AHSJSJAJS

“I don’t know babe I’m jus sayin, this here says that if you drink raw egg whites and vinegar it’s a good immune system boost and will cure your flu in, like, 15 minutes. It might be worth a shot!”

Baby boy just misses going on dates with you 😭

Also tends to go overboard sometimes with the movies - last time you were sick he brought a whole cardboard box full of random dvds he had lying around as well as a couple of home videos of him as a child ‘cause:

“I’m hilarious babe look at these!”

Aran

Literally one of the best boyfriends you could ask for in this situation are you joking? He never hovers too much but is always just a phone call away if you need some help or are just feeling too lonely :( KING of making soups are you joking (firm believer that warm foods are the best thing when you’re ill) he definitely texts you random things throughout the day like

“how’s my baby doing?”

Or

“u feeling ok enough for me to stop by later ?❤️”

Expect LOTS of forehead kisses too

Also tends to hold the back of his hands to your face a lot so he can check your temp throughout the day, a true caregiver :,(

Kita

Ok him and Aran are tied cause this man 😪

The moment he finds out you’re sick he’s gotta know what kind of bug you caught cause he will be bringing you medicine the moment he can and he needs to be sure he’s getting the right kind. Also the type to buy you some silly little card that his grandmother INSISTED on signing (she’s very worried about you) and who is he to say no to that.

He also would hate to admit this to you but he thinks you’re so cute when you’re sick 😭 it doesn’t matter if you’re hacking up yesterday’s lunch he’s like 🥺🤲🏼 my poor little baby

He also just really likes taking care of you, definitely fits into his love language and it just feels very domestic for him to be by your side and aiding you in any way you can, and this mf is the biggest fan of the domestic things in your relationship <3

Bokuto

Honestly a little excited cause he gets to spend some uninterrupted alone time with you

Like don’t get me wrong he’s sad your sick but he can’t help but think to himself omg I get to spend the whole day with my baby! Just me and them!

Really helpful though, like you almost forget you’re sick. He’s making you food if you can’t do it yourself and he’s making sure you’re taking your medicine at the right times all while just chilling and talking with you in between! You guys watch some awful movies and laugh at them and it almost feels like a good ol date night in with your boyfriend if your body wasn’t so fatigued and sore from being sick. But don’t worry, cause Bokuto is there and ready to rub those sore muscles at any given moment.

Kenma

He just kind of shows up? Unannounced?

He has a weeks worth of stuff packed as well as a game console and a sack full of games LMAO and he just sets them down and gives you a kiss on the forehead and just ,, starts,, unpacking. You have to ask him what he’s doing cause he’s just not saying anything.

“You’re sick, so I’m staying over to take care of you until you feel better, duh. Now which side of the bed do you prefer?”

This man is casually waiting on your every need like your thirsty? Lay tf down he’s getting it for you. Hungry? Funny, he already ordered in. You’re his mf princess and you’re sick so you will not be moving a muscle.

Ushijima

MASSAGES. Massages. And cuddles :(((

Big man Ushi comes over when he has the chance with some painkillers and his big warm arms. Most of the time he’s over you guys are just napping cause he wants to hold you! Cause you look so helpless and sick and of course you guys are laying down so you guys just kind of pass out.

Also a big check in texter to see if you’re feeling up for him to be over later that day.

If you are too worried about getting him sick he’ll stay home but he’ll be kind of grumpy about it. You’d get a random FaceTime from him just for him to move his phone away from his body enough to emphasize how empty his bed is 🙄

You cave and let him come over, and when he does he just huffs and crawls into bed with you like ☹️ c’mere

Aone

Omg the biggest worrier of all of them :((((

The one most likely to say he’s sick too so he can free any responsibilities of the day just so he can come take care of you in person. Something about the idea of you being home alone and sick with no one there to make sure you’re ok hurts his heart so bad.

He also would forget to let you know he’s coming over though, so when he comes into your apartment with his copy of the key and finds you under a heap of covers with a tissue box on your nightstand he’s quickly getting under the covers with you and pulling you into his chest.

You wake up an hour or two later to feel big warm arms embracing you and you know your sweet boyfriend came over just to check on you. And judging by his heavy breaths signaling he was asleep you knew he had to have been here for a while <3

———————

ugh it’s been too long since I’ve written for hq! I hope you guys enjoyed and I always love to hear your thoughts :) <3

requests are open

-🐇out

taglist: @plutowrites @sweet-darling91 (if you’d like to be added to hq, aot, mha, or a combination of those lemme know!)

[caffeinated-cryptid]

you got an ego so big (it'll eat you alive).

roman-centric hurt/comfort (w/ remus, patton and virgil). 

11.7k words | AO3 link | warnings: self-hatred, semi-intentional self-destruction, various injuries, arguing, remus-typical jokes and topics.

“At the best of times, Roman’s job was a tightrope act between maintaining a healthy amount of self-confidence and the ability to adapt and take criticism. Throughout his life he walks this line many times, always with the expectation that if he were to fall one way or the other, no one would be there to catch him.

But sometimes when you’re up miles high, it can become difficult to see the safety net on the ground below you.

(aka an expansion on the premise that a bruised ego causes literal injuries and the issues this could cause when you're an insecure prince with a need to please and the weight of the world on your shoulders).”

------------------

To be overly aware of your own self is often associated with negative traits, such as narcissism, self-consciousness or a sensitivity to mistakes. Although to some with a proclivity towards the spotlight, it can become an inadvertent consequence of over-analyzing yourself in order to achieve those flawless performances. Naturally, gaining any sort of notoriety and attempting to retain that positive image means becoming intimately aware of your faults and staying open to change, taking criticism to heart all the while keeping relatably humble. On the other hand, it may also mean letting that same criticism become your one sole focus, tearing you down instead of becoming a rung in the ladder that's supposed to take you to higher places.

Roman often found that navigating these gray areas was a momentous task. To be proud of his work, but not be too unbearably egotistical to the point that it blinded him. To accept criticism but not allow the pursuit of perfection to destroy him.

His role was truly a balance; a thin tightrope he constantly had to traverse.

And on occasion, he would end up slipping.

------------------

I - bonds that tie us.

Roman first learned of his job as the ego when Thomas was young. With Remus at the helm of most of the subconscious and instinctual stuff as his id, perhaps he should've assumed that he would have a similar mirrored purpose beyond simply confidence, however it hadn't ever really come into play until one afternoon when the two of them were busy playing in The Imagination.

They had just concluded a close duel against each other and were putting their weapons away (cardboard ones, since Feelings didn't want them running around with real weapons once he found out they were using them to fight, and because Fear and Lies often fretted about them doing something stupid and getting hurt). Usually neither of them held the lead for long during their matches since they were so well-matched, but today Remus had won easily, which Roman chalked up to him feeling off ("Yeah right. Don't be such a sore loser." "It's true!"). Either way, Remus would be bragging about the victory until the next time they got the opportunity to duel, and that meant he was already rubbing it in as they prepared to leave.

On their way to the exit, Remus had taken the lead at some point and was throwing out ideas about they should do later when Roman unexpectedly paused and doubled over, clutching his head. Remus didn't notice that he'd stopped until he heard a groan and turned around.

"What's wrong? Didn't hit you too hard, did I?" He asked with a grin as if he assumed that Roman was still playing- perhaps trying to make up an excuse for his terrible loss.

"I- Dunno. My head hurts…" Roman cringed, eyes screwed shut.

Remus' smile faltered when he realized it might not be a joke and he walked back, peeling Romans hands away from his forehead. Underneath was a large red patch of irritated skin which looked set to bruise. His frown deepened because he definitely didn't cause that, nor did he witness any incidents during the day which would be the cause. "How'd that happen?

"Dunno!" He repeated, eyes going blank for a moment while he caught up with what was happening outside. The two of them were usually much too distracted when they were in The Imagination to pay attention to everything that transpired in the real world, especially on weekdays like this when Thomas would be in school and Creativity wasn't exactly needed during most classes. "...Thomas was told off for slacking in front of the entire class and he got some bad grades on his report card… He's feeling embarrassed, I think.

Remus was confused by how this was relevant until he pieced together that the two events were linked to what was happening to his brother. His eyes widened in realization before they settled into determination. "Then I'll fight him until he stops feeling bad."

That startled a laugh out of Roman, until his head started pounding and he cut himself off with a grimace. "...’Can't do that."

He laughed too, in hopes that it would lift Roman's spirits again. "Can too! I'll figure it out, then he'll be too busy worrying about his broken bones to care about what some dumb teacher said. Maybe then he'll get to skip school for a while and do something funner like-"

"Remus." Roman hissed over him, overcome with a sudden dizzy spell. His hand found Remus’ shoulder for purchase, which stopped his twin in his rant.

Remus stared at him in alarm. This seemed serious, and he didn't do too well with handling serious things. "Do... Do you want me to get Feelings? Or Learning? Or Lies?"

"No. None of them. I just wanna go home." He whined, leaning more and more against Remus for support.

' Home' in their case was what they called their shared room. It was where they always returned to at the end of a long day, and no matter what had happened, they could always feel their troubles wash away as they sat in their own little world once more. Roman longed for that feeling, to escape the too-bright sun of The Imagination which now felt like it was blinding him and just lay down for a while.

Remus nodded hesitantly, the plans he had spun of pulling a prank on Fear and Lies forgotten. Normally the two Creativities preferred to find the door of The Imagination manually (they claimed it made the experience more immersive when they were out on an adventure), but instead he reached towards the exit and the world twisted around them, ejecting them out together. They came out the other side back in their room, next to their bunk bed. Instead of climbing up to his bed on the top, Roman just about threw himself onto Remus' sheets. Somehow he managed to ignore the weird smell of the fabric that he always complained about, which spoke greatly about his current well-being.

Remus hovered behind him, unsure of what to do, when Roman let out another pained noise and curled up tighter. "What now?!"

"Thomas...parents.

Since that didn't really explain anything, Remus decided to check up on what was happening outside himself. Thomas' parents had asked to see his report card and they were giving him the 'not mad but disappointed talk', while Thomas was shrunk into himself in shame. Yikes, Learning mustn't be feeling too hot about this either. But right now his focus was on his brother, who the sight of in such a sorry state filled him with rage.

"Now I want to fight them too." Remus muttered darkly. "Take the knife from the kitchen that dad uses to cut up turkeys and make them stop talking forever. Then we won't have to deal with this again and you won't-"

Oh right, Roman was still injured. Focus, Remus. Concern. Right, he was concerned for his brother, who was hurting like he had never seen, even after their fights. What could he do about this? He was always so much better at destroying things than fixing them, so having to deal with a situation like this without any sort of guidance made him nervous.

"You can't hurt them." Roman protested weakly.

"Maybe if I want to enough I could!"

Remus walked around the bunk bed and settled down on the side Roman was facing towards. From this angle he could see new bruises spattered along his brother's arms. In a grotesque way, the different shades came together like a watercolour painting. Except instead of a canvas, they were on a body- Remus shook his head. Focus! He could draw sickly yellow and purple-inspired pictures later, when Roman would be in the mood to be more good-humored about it.

"You shouldn't, then. It's bad."

"...Alright then. What should I do Ro-bro?"

Roman cracked open one eye and looked at him. "Stay? Until Thomas feels better?"

Considering he was just grounded for the weekend, Remus wasn't sure how long it would take for this hit to Thomas' self esteem to blow over, but despite knowing this he nodded anyway.

"Okay."

He laid down next to Roman, not commenting when he hid his face against the covers and started sniffling, or when he eventually fell asleep, curled against his side like how they would sleep when they were newly-split. When Learning knocked in their door to tell them that dinner was ready, he made a weak excuse that they were busy and would eat later.

Without even asking he knew Roman would want this to be kept between them, despite how the others would undoubtedly fuss and nurse him back to health. And perhaps that was the reason why. His brother always wanted to appear infallible to the others and did so replicating the heroes from the stories they read, which often meant refusing to admit when he needed help and trying to do everything himself. If you asked Remus, he was trying way too hard to be like the Creativity that came before them, which was silly because they were different now and as they were, they needed each other.

Remus closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep too. This seemed like a big deal, so Roman's pride would have to pass eventually for him to seek help. Right?

------------------

II - even without dying you're dead to me.

In retrospect, Remus had underestimated Roman’s ability to keep a secret (maybe because he was so quick these days to run over to Feelings, now Morality, whenever Remus did something to upset him. Tattle-tale).

Now that they were older and their roles were more defined, their once shared-room had separated into two to adjust to this change. Even though it had been long enough that he should be used to the feeling of being alone, there were still times where Remus had to try to not let it bother him when he looked up at night, expecting to see the familiar underside of a top bunk and instead only finding the ceiling he had painted an underwater-themed mural on.

On nights like this, far too sentimental to enter a peaceful rest, they would go sleep in each other's rooms, saying nothing as they tried to pretend they were as close as they once were. Remus groaned into his pillow, fighting that annoying urge to seek comfort. He was a teenager now, he didn't want to be so attached at the hip to a side who had started looking at him with disgust and fear instead of the fondness they used to share. Sometimes he couldn't help it though, clinging to the days when everything felt simple and the biggest thing they had to worry about was finding time to create the things they enjoyed. At the very least he was glad that Roman didn't mock him for his occasional bouts of uncharacteristic sentiment; that would solidify for him that there were no remnants of the relationship they once had left.

With that depressing thought, he rolled out of bed. He couldn't sleep tonight so he was going to make that Roman's problem; that always cheered him up. Perhaps if he hadn't made such a disturbed face when Remus had talked about the brazen bull he had made earlier that day, he would feel a bit more sympathy for waking his brother up in the middle of the night. Buuut he didn't and he was feeling petty, so without a second thought he sunk out and into Romans room.

"WAKEY WAKEY~!" Remus clashed two cymbals together like one of those nightmare-inducing wind-up monkeys, only to belatedly realize the bed he was facing was empty.

He blinked, both in confusion and to adjust his eyes to the unexpected light of the room. Both of them may be night owls, but Roman would usually be asleep by 2am at least, and it was way past that hour. Looking around the room, his eyes latched onto the vanity where his brother was sitting, looking incredibly startled from the deafening crash of metal against metal.

"Get out!" He yelled once his shock faded into indignation, glaring at Remus.

Remus didn’t respond, staring at the medical supplies spread across the surface. Roman was in the middle of wrapping a compression bandage around his thigh, which he abandoned as soon as Remus had entered.

"Did you get something stuck in your ear again? I'm not in the mood to deal with you tonight, Remus. Leave ."

"What happened?" He blurted out before he could even think about the question.

"Doesn't matter. In case you've forgotten, the door's right there. Feel free to use it at any point."

Instead of complying (because when had Remus ever done that for anyone? No no, it was always more exciting to do the opposite of what people ask and see what happens), he crossed the room, ignoring how Roman increasingly looked like he wanted to punch him the longer he lingered.

"Bitch, it obviously does matter, otherwise you wouldn't be looking like you got trampled by a cracked-out horse."

"Lovely imagery." Roman gritted out.

"Lovely avoidance." Remus retorted sarcastically. "Aren't you best friends with Morality and Logic now? Why aren't they here sucking your d-"

"If you don't go back to your own room I'll run you through with my sword." Roman warned with an air of finality.

Remus snorted.

It was hard to be intimidated by the same side who had once cried when he had accidentally smashed an imaginary caterpillar cocoon with his morning star. In his defense he had forgotten to make the handle weighted when he first made it, so he was still getting used to the uneven distribution of the weapon...not like that stopped Roman from getting upset with him. Supposedly he had spent the last week trying to raise butterflies and wanted to show them off to Logic after they had learned about chrysalis in class, but Remus found that somewhat laughable considering he could just create a fully-formed butterfly if he wanted to. So he did laugh, calling him dumb for getting upset over nothing, and through tears Roman pushed him to the ground and told him he hated him for the first time. (After that, he may have spent the next week killing any butterflies that crossed his path, but that was neither here nor there. The point of this tangent provided a lá Remus Sander's brain was was that Roman could be a big baby and therefore he couldn't take anything he said too seriously.)

"Sounds like a good time! Save that idea for later though, because if you don't tell me I'll summon them over here to ask them myself."

"Don't. They don't know about this, alright? For once in your life can you just let it go?"

Huh. Remus tilted his head. It had been years since they first found out about the fun little quirk Roman had, and he just...never told? He figured at the very least it would be a good way to milk even more attention from the others; something Creativity had been seeking more often after Fear turned into Anxiety during middle school and gained a much larger role in Thomas' life. "Why?"

Roman huffed in frustration. "They don't need to. I can handle it myself."

"...Wow! Careful not to summon Lies, because you're full of shit and you know it." Remus fired back. He didn't even know why he was getting so mad. Minutes ago he was cursing his brother's guts for how their relationship had soured, and now all of a sudden it was if all of that dislike had faded into the background for something else. Concern? He hadn't felt concern for anything in years. Roman always made it seem like he could take care of himself, so that's what Remus had believed at first too, though perhaps stumbling across this situation was evidence of the opposite. Reasonable self-care didn't exactly look like 'patching yourself up at 4 in the morning'. At least, that sounded like something Lies would say which probably meant it was accurate.

"Ugh- Shut up. I've been doing just fine so far, without you or them, so you can take your fake pity and shove it up your you-know-where."

Remus didn't rise to the opportunity to poke fun at that statement, his mind going blank (and what a strange and unusual feeling that was). The idea that anything could have been hidden from him seemed unthinkable given how they used to tell each other everything. He hadn't even considered that that habit had become one-sided, given how it had never stopped being true for him. "...Roman, what does that mean? Has this been happening a lot?"

"..."

"Why did you never tell me?! This isn't something you can just keep a secret! If you won't say anything I will-

Remus' mouth snapped shut as Roman ejected him from his room. He landed back on his own bed and when he scrambled onto his feet to tried to rise up again, he found that his efforts were blocked. Roman had kicked him out and locked the door behind him. He never did that, no matter how much they fought or annoyed each other. It was the one thing they did that showed they still cared.

Remus trembled with adrenaline and shock. Taking his pillow, he summoned a knife and stabbed it and stabbed it and stabbed it until all of his pent up feelings were gone and there all that was left was the fluff covering his floor.

------------------

III - interlude.

As it turns out, he'd never get the opportunity to tell, because shortly after that, the newly appointed 'dark sides' were pushed away into their own corner of the mindscape after an explosive argument between the sides (during which Remus tried to ignore how closely Roman stood at Morality's side, sword brandished towards him. He didn't want to think his twin had a hand in their separation, even though it made so much sense).

When he argued about going back with Lies, now Deceit after being appointed the new leader of the unwanted and unloved, he was told through clenched teeth and pained eyes that he shouldn't. Not until Thomas was ready for him. For all of them.

------------------

IV - to the death of me, i'm just fulfillin' my destiny.

After that, Roman adjusted, and did so alone. Teenage years came with many challenges, ones he didn’t always escape unscathed. Despite the occasional rejection here, an unfortunate setback there, he felt as if he had grown a thicker skin for the trials they faced. Into adulthood he wore his ego like a suit of armor; Thomas was outgoing and likable, so of course it became easier to brush aside random negative experiences as minor blips, things that didn’t represent their worth.

This was challenged somewhat as he began pursuing creative outlets more seriously. This meant more work for Roman in general (Woo! Suck it Logan), but it also came with more opportunities to feel ashamed of a messed-up performance, embarrassed by a note sung wrong, hurt by an ill-intentioned piece of feedback.

So he tried to compensate at times. Sue him. Between the nights he spent nursing his wounds and wondering how to do better next time, perhaps he deserved to be a little self-congratulatory about the shining achievements he won for them. There was a certain safety in placing himself up on that pedestal, so high above that it felt like nobody could ever reach him; that he was above it all. But the reality was that this pedestal, gold-plated as it may be, was founded on an interior of paper mache, one wrong move from away from collapsing and sending him tumbling back down to earth.

It was a good thing that pretending came naturally to Roman. So natural that the fear of falling sometimes didn’t register with him at all.

------------------

V - the calamitous corollary of being considered.

Except, it may have been too much to expect nobody to ever realize there was something up with him. The fact that the sides had to work closely together alone meant that the excuse of being busy after every troubling experience could only work for so long.

The first one to find out was Patton, because of course it was. Sometimes Roman felt as if Patton wasn’t given enough credit for his intelligence. Even though he could be a tad slow on the uptake on other things, his ability to detect the slightest change in mood and discern how people were feeling could be uncanny at times. Emotions just happened to be Patton's strong suit, and while that was very much appreciated when it came to sharing excitement or talking through a heated problem, it was not so grand when you were trying to get away with hiding something.

The first time he let something slip was a few days after Thomas had been flat-out rejected when asking someone out on a date. It wasn't that big of a blow, considering they had barely known the guy for more than a month, but Roman had been insistent that they throw caution into the wind and give it a shot, sure that he had been receiving signals that proved that this guy felt a similar interest. Turns out, he didn't, and was very-much straight. At least the rejection had been somewhat carried out gently and he didn't seem too put-off about staying friends afterwards. Nonetheless the wound was still fresh, and Thomas kept internally cringing whenever he thought about it, which didn't help matters. Whatever. Roman dealt with the bruises that arose from the incident and dabbed a little foundation on the ones he couldn't hide with clothing. They'd get over it in a matter of weeks.

It was after the awkward feelings had finally begun to settle when it happened. Roman and Patton had been in the kitchen preparing dinner when Thomas received a message on his phone, and when he went to check it, he face-planted on the couch in mortification.

'Hey man, I just remembered that my cousin is coming to town this weekend. He's gay too so I thought you two could go on a blind date if you're still looking. :) Lmk your thoughts.'

Patton frowned upon sensing the sudden wave of embarrassment, pausing to check what had happened. "Well...That's thoughtful of him!" He chuckled, tone trying and failing to be positive. Roman couldn't share the same sentiment.

"Thoughtless is more like it! He wants to set us up with the first gay person he knows? Who's not even in the city?  Does he think Thomas has no standards at all?! How dare-" Roman's indignant protests cut off as he felt the skin around his collar grow tender and swell slightly. He let out a slight whimper when he pressed his fingers into the bruise to double check its location. Why now and in such a visible place?! He's going to get Thomas to drop that guy if it's the last thing he does-

"Ro! Are you okay?"

Right. Patton was still here. Don't panic.

"Y-yeah! I just remembered an injury I sustained earlier. But not to worry, 'tis but a flesh wound!" He joked.

"A flesh wound?!" Patton cried, reference flying over his head. "Let me see."

Gently, Patton moved his head upwards to get a better look at the bruise. It mustn't look good, because Patton, squeamish as he was, grimaced on sight.

"How on earth did that happen? I don't remember that being there just now."

"Uh." Come on Creative skills, work your magic. "A stray whomping willow in The Imagination? You know how they can be. I suppose it merely took a while to develop, bruises can be funny like that."

Luckily it seemed to work, because Patton sighed. "I thought you got rid of them all after that time one almost threw Logan into a lake. Did Remus make more?"

Heh. Good times. That was a slight lie on his behalf when he had told the others he had gotten rid of the trees; he had kept a few of them around because they were once a gift from Remus to quote 'spice up his boring forests'. Not for any sentimental reasons, of course, but because he thought it was funny and it kept him on his toes. "I guess."

Patton made a small 'tsk' noise, mouth still drawn in a frown but he didn't comment further. "Come on, I'll help you treat that. Does it hurt?"

"Of course not." He smiled. "Do you really think I could be bested by a mere tree?"

"Never! I do wish you were more careful when you go on your little adventures, though. It makes me awfully sad to think about you in 'pine'."

Roman knew it had been a flimsy excuse and even though Patton seemed to accept it, there was a hesitation in his eye which spoke of hidden disbelief. After some first aid and many more tree-related puns later, they went back to cooking, finishing up 30 minutes later. When Logan came down to dinner, immediately questioning the bandages around Roman's neck, he repeated the fake story, distracting him with a request not to go into The Imagination with the whomping willow around and packaging the thinly-veiled jab at the way Logan had once freaked out when he was swung around by the semi-sentient tree as a warning. Logan's concern quickly faded and he shot back a sharp retaliation that Roman didn't care to remember. He just laughed, feeling as light as a kite with the crisis averted.

The next time didn't go over as gracefully.

Thomas had found a different partner eventually, one that wasn't some friend's cousin. They dated for months, and just when he had been thinking about inviting his boyfriend to move in so he could be closer to his workplace, he'd been broken up with. On Valentines Day of all days. There was no better way of putting it; they had planned to go out to dinner, managing to book a table at a fairly classy restaurant, exchanged gifts, and near the end of the night his boyfriend had leaned across the table with a sad smile, thanking him for the evening before admitting he didn't see them working out anymore. He said it quietly, as to not cause a scene among the other diners, but that didn't stop Thomas from immediately bursting into tears. The scene had caused his (now ex) boyfriend to leave early after paying his half of the bill. At least the waitress had taken pity on him and brought over more complimentary bread rolls (which he took because he was not a complete fool, heartbroken as he may be), though even that didn't stop the confusion and embarrassment of it all.

As expected, the whole incident caused nothing but chaos; the right-brain sides were devastated, Anxiety was in a state of panic, and Logic had been metaphorically thrown out the window. As Thomas made his way home, they were at a complete loss for what to do. They had started the day, hoping to take a step forward in their relationship, and ended up with nothing at all. What worse is that they didn't even have a clear idea why (admittedly, that could have been due to, as mentioned before, the inconsolable crying).

It seemed like the most sensible thing to do at the moment was to throw the Valentines gifts away and gorge on the ice-cream that had been sitting in the back of the freezer for who-knows how long while watching a comfort show and trying to forget the whole evening. So that's what they did. As Logan tried to sort through what happened and rationalize what to do next, Patton wallowed in his misery as he dealt with the giant mix of feelings Thomas was going through.

After a few hours working through the brunt of it, enough to where his mind began wandering elsewhere, Patton realized with a start that he hadn't seen Roman since the start of the evening. He must have been so devastated too! Patton recalled how excited he was about the day ahead of them, how he spun fantasies of Thomas' boyfriend accepting the proposal to move in and then the future proposals that could come after that-

Patton mournfully sobbed. He needed to stop thinking about this, or else Thomas could start spiraling again. The best thing to do right now was distract himself, and to do that he should go check on Roman. Perhaps they could talk and have a mutual catharsis over the whole thing. Or better yet, he could put his energy towards someone else and he won't have to fall back into the thoughts that had been clouding his mind ever since they had left that stupid restaurant.

Splashing some water on his face to clear up some of the blotchy-ness, he left his room and crossed the hallway towards Roman's. He couldn't hear any noise coming from inside, so he tentatively knocked. "Kiddo?"

For a few moments there was silence, and Patton almost turned away, assuming that Roman might be blowing off some steam in The Imagination, until a voice cleared inside the room and answered. "Pat? What do you want?"

Patton was taken aback for a second, not expecting such a straight-forward answer. It almost sounded like Roman wasn't upset at all, but Patton sincerely doubted that to be true. His tone was almost too normal, and for anybody else he wouldn't have questioned it, but the lack of dramatics or flowery language was always a clear red flag for the Creative side. "I wanted to check on you since um- You-Know-Who took 'dine and dash' a tad too seriously." He chuckled humorlessly. "...Can I come in?"

There was some shuffling and muffled curses. "Why? I'm fine. Worry about yourself."

"'Why?'" He repeated, eyeing the door warily. "I'm concerned! I haven't seen you in hours and I- I know you must be upset about this too. Can we please talk?"

"I'm not exactly my most princely presentable self right now. Anyway, it's late. Surely this can wait until tomorrow?"

Patton looked down at himself. Instead of his usual garb, he had thrown on some more comfortable clothes hours ago, and they were currently crumpled from laying in bed, sobbing his eyes out. "I'm hardly my best-self either right now, Kiddo-" Before he could go on a spiel about how it was best to not bottle up emotions when they're fresh (and ignoring the hypocrisy of that sentiment), he heard a thump on the other side of the door followed by a quiet hiss of pain. Patton began to panic, and his hand flew to the handle. "I'm coming in!"

Before the other side could even consider protesting, Patton flung the fortunately unlocked door open and stepped into the room, gasping at the sight he was met with. Roman was on the floor, wincing as he clutched his leg. Although he was still dressed in his usual outfit, there were enough injuries on his visible skin that Patton could only wonder how far they went. He covered his mouth and stared in horror as Roman turned to look at him nervously.

"What- How did this happen?!"

Roman licked his dry lips, eyes darting away as he searched for an excuse. "I- The Imagination- This is from earlier-"

"You told me this morning you were going to spend the day helping Thomas write a love letter." Patton said, voice strained with panic and disbelief. "Tell me the truth, please."

Shoot, he had announced his plans earlier that day, hadn't he? He internally cursed his inability to keep his mouth shut, before lowering his head in defeat. "Can you keep a secret, Pat?"

Said side shifted uncomfortably, but his tone was resolute when he nodded. "If it means you'll let me help with whatever this is."

"Okay..." Roman inhaled. "Okay."

And then he explained. Or rather, gave a shortened version of the truth which was less likely to give Patton a complete heart-attack: that bruised egos were something he experienced, but it was never this bad (true) or all that common (also true), and that they weren't something to worry about because he could usually take care of them himself (technically true). By the time he had finished, Patton still looked concerned, but had become less frantic with the information.

"You'll let me help in the future if you need it, right?" He asked, so close to shedding tears that Roman had trouble keeping eye-contact without becoming choked up with guilt.

"If I need it." He agreed.

Finally, Patton smiled, and went to fetch the first-aid kit hastily. As he helped patch him up for the second time that year, the look in Patton's eyes was so pained that Roman vowed to let him see this side of him as little as possible.

For a while, he kept true to this promise to himself, and on the occasions when Patton would drop by to check if everything was alright, if Roman had encountered any bruised egos since, he relished in the relief on his face whenever he would lie and said he hadn't. Distantly he wondered sometimes if this was how heroes were supposed to feel; protecting people by letting them live in blissful ignorance and bearing the burden of the ugly truth alone.

(It was thoughts like that that kept him going.)

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VI - high highs and low lows.

And then came the videos. Youtube had been an excellent ego-boost for Roman. Similar to how life-changing Vine was, the instant gratification of likes and feedback and people liking what they made was enough to send him over the moon, and oftentimes it was able to ward away the downsides that came with it too; the stress of staying relevant, the occasional hate comment, the portion of dislikes that didn't explain what about the video was dislike-worthy-

Overall it seemed like a great idea, especially when the sides became involved. It gave them all the chance to gain their own spotlights, which most of them appreciated. Sometimes this wasn't always so good though. With the videos came more introspection than usual, which meant deeply examining each problem to try to find some kind of moral. And right now, Roman didn't want to do any sort of thinking exercise about how badly he messed up. At this point in their career, a simple audition should have been a cake walk, instead it was an ache walk...Okay, admittedly he wasn't on his best game right now. The point was, he had potentially thrown the whole audition by forgetting something so simple as the lyrics, and now the casting director would definitely only remember Thomas by the way he froze under pressure, which wasn't exactly an appealing trait in somebody looking to go up on stage where the pressure was set to 100.

After everything was said and done, Roman had no choice but to approach Patton for help. In his current state, he was much too dizzy on his feet to even contemplate showing up and trying to play it off cool, which would've been an laughable endeavor anyhow considering how outwardly embarrassed Thomas was. Betrayal from his own-- well. It was a bit too harsh to blame his current predicament on Thomas, after all the fact of the matter was that it was Roman’s fault for not being better prepared.

Anyway, that's how he ended up in his current position, being swaddled in a too-warm bed, injuries patched up and having soup spoon-fed into his mouth. The whole thing felt...strange. Usually during times like this he would be grinning and bearing it, the inner satisfaction he got from fooling everyone with his performance pushing him through the day, but he supposed this was unavoidable. It was better that only one side had to see part of the problem rather than exposing it to everyone, and out of all of them, at least it was Patton. It still didn't sit well that his secret was now out in the open, a throwaway joke to be used before moving along, but hopefully that would play to his favor and they'd view it as his usual dramatics. Not like he preferred to be seen as too incompetent to care for himself, even if it fit with his persona. He supposed it just went without saying that princes are supposed to have someone at their every beck and call, they're supposed to be indulgent and spoiled and ridiculous. But princes were also supposed to be leaders, someone who was caring and brave and ready to face any challenge.

Roman sighed, a wave of self-loathing washing over him. He didn't feel very princely at all right now.

“Kiddo, are you doing okay? Does something hurt? Is the soup too hot?” Patton asked, eyebrows drawing together in concern. He was such an open book when it came to the other sides, which meant that Roman knew exactly when he had worried or panicked the fatherly figure. Honestly, it only made him feel worse. Being doted over seemed like a good idea until it meant being the subject of pity and other people’s hurt.

“No no, I’m fine Padre. It’s fine. I was just taking a trip into thought city for a second there.” He cracked a smile, trying to ignore how the bruise at the corner of his mouth pulled at the motion. If only he could think of a more original nickname, perhaps that would be more convincing. He was simply drawing blanks today it seemed. “What do you think the others are up to right now? I’d bet 5 bucks Logan is losing his mind having to deal with Anxiety alone.”

Patton didn’t look entirely convinced, but the sudden change of subject encouraged him to stop any further questioning.

In the end they talked until the others had finished filming. Whatever happened during the discussion must have helped Thomas grow past his feelings, because one-by-one the injuries on Roman's body grew smaller until they had faded entirely. Seeing this, Patton noticeably livened up again, and he cheerily declared that he would take the empty bowl back to the kitchen and check in with the others.

As soon as he was gone, Roman’s face dropped, tired from all the smiling he had been doing, and he slid down further into the sheets. Perhaps he should consider himself fortunate that the others had helped out, but all he could think about was how they now knew about his biggest weakness and how embarrassing that was. Logan and Anxiety were the last two sides he wanted finding out about this, if not for their often-tumultuous relationships, but because they'd never fully understand. Neither of them were as dependent on validation as much as he was. Despite what others thought about them, they would just keep on going, meanwhile Roman couldn't truly thrive without some kind of feedback; he was too shackled to expectations and the need to please for that sort of self-indulgence, it was practically written in his existence. It simply wasn't enough for him to be great, he needed to be great and be appreciated. Without that, he felt as if he would burn out, like a candle who's supply of oxygen had been cut off, leaving only smoke and the charred wick behind as a reminder of the fire that was once there. And sometimes that made him feel pathetic, that so much of his esteem depended on what people thought of him. Other times it just made him envy the others who had no one to please but Thomas himself and what he deemed important.

...He was tired, but he needed to keep going. The least he could do was keep up the image of egotism so that those horrid thoughts of being lesser weren't picked up by the others. If they started thinking of him the way he thought about himself (if they didn't already), he wouldn't know what he'd do. He wouldn't stand to be pitied or mocked or anything that validated what he already knew about himself. He just wouldn't.

Rolling out of bed, he practiced his smile in the mirror, fixed his clothes, and sunk out to make his grand appearance.

He couldn’t let this happen again at all costs.

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VII - an agreeable sort of self-destruction.

More and more often, Roman was glad that he and Remus didn't share a room anymore. From the nights he hunched over scraps of ideas and worked without distraction until the sun was on the horizon, to the days he woke up with tears clinging to his lashes and breath coming out in labored pants, until he realizes the dream about him messing up so badly that he's split apart a second time was merely a cruel trick of his mind.

Currently, there was no greater time to be grateful for their separation than the moment he hastily returned back to safety after Remus' debut to Thomas. If only his brother could see the way he paced back and forth and tugged at his hair, he was sure his other half would merely gloat and poke away at his wounds instead of doing anything to help. Or worse, use it as ammunition in front of the other sides as some sort of proof of his imperfection.

Speaking of, the video was disastrous. He had been out-cold the entire time so he had no idea what was said and had no way of directing the conversation at all, which was possibly the most aggravating part of the whole situation. Beyond that, there was so much that Remus could have told the others without his knowledge. Once upon a time, the two of them were two peas in a pod, and that meant they knew an unnameable amount of secrets about each other. (Like how Remus always used to sleep with this crudely-knitted octopus Roman had made for him when he discovered crochet. Remus claimed to have set fire to it when they were teenagers, but Roman had seen it tucked away on a shelf the last time he had been in his room, before the Great Divide). The room swam a little when Roman thought about it too much. Perhaps he was being paranoid, but it wasn't as if he'd done much to earn Remus' loyalty. Why would he take the higher road and keep all of that to himself now, when he had the prime opportunity right in front of him to make himself seem like the better twin?

Hold on... He was thinking about this all wrong. Remus didn't care about good and bad the same way he did. Sure he was adamant that his version of being creative was more interesting, but he never tried to convince any of the other sides that he was inherently better or more worthy of attention than Roman, at least not to the same extent he did. The realization hit Roman like a train on it's way to a damsel tied to railway tracks (for lack of a less Remus-y simile): had he been wrong to push his brother away when he was just trying to help? All this time he had expected nothing but the worst from him, all because he was loud and unapologetic and had gone about his concern in a way that frightened him. Though just because Roman had been scared, surely that didn't warrant the dark sides being pushed aside in such a manner, and clearly the repression wasn't any benefit to Thomas...And was that partially his fault? He had been the one who encouraged Patton to divide the sides up. He had come up with the name for them: light and dark.

When he really thought about it, there wasn't much 'light' about him, not when he had been the source of so many problems.

Making Virgil feel unwelcome and continuing to trample on his boundaries.

His insults toward Logan and attempts to diminish his importance.

Leading Thomas and Patton astray in his pursuits for romance.

Being too quick to side with Janus when he should’ve known that the deceitful side only stood for selfishness and not the fair-played ambition Thomas valued.

And now: his treatment of Remus for most of their lives. Pushing him away, pretending he didn't exist, trying to erase their memories together.

How could he have the gall to claim that he saw Remus as an awful reflection of everything he didn’t want to be, when the whole point of looking into a mirror means facing you and you alone?

Even his metaphors were hypocritical.

It was a shock that nobody saw through that statement or called him out on how he had wronged just about everybody. How truly unfortunate it was that he had been declared the hero when he had done very little to live up to that title. Heroes weren't mean. They didn't make people feel bad about themselves for merely existing. They're supposed to defeat the bad guys, yes, but every time he had thought he was accomplishing that, it turned out that he was always off the mark. At least this time he had it right with Deceit, but still, that didn't erase the history he had with misjudging what was acceptable. He couldn't help but wonder what sort of reflection that must have on Thomas' content. If his creativity, which was supposed to be a force of pure good, had made a countless number of errors, what did that say about the things they were proud of? How many things had they put into the world that were imperfect? That had a misleading message? That was problematic and hurt people?

The realization had his throat tightening in panic. How could he ever have confidence in his work when he had such a flawed system of right and wrong? How-

...Wait.

Roman's spiraling thoughts were fortunately put on pause as he passed by his vanity, being pulled back to reality in an instant and finally noticing the splash of colours that had made themselves welcome on his skin once more. He gaped at his own reflection. It wasn’t as if he was unused to the sight per say, but he hadn’t realized anything had happened today that would affect Thomas’ ego. Remus’ appearance perhaps? He had the feeling that if there was any discussion to be had in light of that it would be on the goodness of his character, which could be a worthy-enough explanation. But if anything wouldn’t that what the large gash on the back of his head (fittingly) represented? So where had the others come from? Unless…

Was it him?  

His own self-criticism had never left a dent on his pride before. Usually his injuries tended to be the result of outside sources; the kind of things that come out of nowhere and hit at you harder than you could ever expect. Did this mean that his own words were on par with Thomas’ harshest critics?

Roman shakily sat down. This... was a good thing, right? Perhaps he was finally gaining some self-awareness. He had been trying to make amends for where he had fallen short in the past, so this could be the sign he was making progress.

Yes. This was good. And if it wasn't, then perhaps this was just apart of his repentance. At this point he was sure everyone would agree.

------------------

VIII - the art of learning to let go.

The thing about tightropes is quite interesting. Like most other skills, it is something that needs to be honed. At first you try on a smaller scale and fall off more times you can count, but it's alright because that's why you practice in a safe environment. And then you progress to something more risky, and this time you have other tools to help keep you steady. Before you know it, you're up doing the actual thing; a rope suspended tens of feet in the air and thousands of eyes watching your every move, each one wondering if you really will make it across, or if they're about to watch a great tragedy take place before them. When you misjudge your own abilities and are thrust upon that rope when you're unprepared, however, all of the practice you gained can feel as if it has slipped away. As soon as you take your first step, the rope wobbles and you know somewhere deep down that your fall will be inevitable. But with so many expectant eyes baring into you, what else are you to do but continue forward? Continue until you're halfway across and your balance is so shaky that all you can do is watch as the rope swings backwards and forwards beneath your feet until you give up on trying to steady yourself entirely and-

Roman let go of the rope he had been clinging onto.

There was no grace in the way that he fell. It wasn't even a matter of choosing a side; ego or change. At first he fell so gradually that he didn't feel it at all, placing all of his thoughts and opinions into a neat little box and shoving them aside. Trying so hard to adapt, trying to be feel comfortable clinging to reasoning that contradicted his role, his meaning, his existence- and before he knew it, he was plummeting towards the ground because even then, that little piece of purpose he was forcing himself to mold his worth around did nothing but feed into the self-righteousness that must've always been there, hiding away under the surface.

Roman could only describe the feeling as air-sickness when he sunk out, his very being thrown into weightless uncertainty. Once he appeared back at his safe place, the place he wanted to be most, he felt his body connect with the ground once more as he collapsed onto the floor, body shaking with sobs and wounds he already knew were appearing.

He had been so stupid. Every step he took was littered with mistakes. Just when he thought he had learned, to try to be more accepting, to know when to give up, to listen to others instead of forging his own path, another thing came along and knocked him back to where he started and he was thrown back into the cycle of trying to atone for his actions. A cycle that never seemed to end.

His arm fractured and started to swell.

For once he thought he finally had it figured out. If he just followed the person who should've known what was best for Thomas, even if it meant going back on his own desires, surely then he would be on the right side for once. But all of a sudden that was wrong and now it was all his fault that so many bad outcomes had come about as a consequence of his lack of assertion. He may not have loaded the gun, but he had pulled the trigger, and that made him more culpable than anyone else.

His nose ached as if hit by an unseen force and began dripping blood.

Even his attempts at keeping his ego in check were all for nothing because the moment he felt threatened he lashed out towards Janus, the side who now all of a sudden deserved a seat at the table because he had gained Patton's favor (nevermind that he had agreed with him first. Oh no, that was just Roman being naive and easy to sway if only you stroke his ego a little. What importance could his opinions possibly have?). But that was the thing, wasn’t it? In the end he just couldn’t win, no matter what he did. When he tried to silence his voice it was too obvious and attention-seeking, and when he chose to project his thoughts it was too loud and abrasive. When he spoke out he was punching down, but when others did the same they were punching up up up. It left him wondering how much more he had to fall before it was no longer deemed okay to kick him while he was down. Was it his fault for choosing to sit atop his golden pedestal, making himself seem forever untouchable and unable to be hurt? And would things be different if he was sensitive like Patton? Complicated like Virgil? Respectable like Logan? Had he been making a mistake all along by pretending to be stronger than he was? But how was he ever supposed to let go of the walls he had built, knowing that the second they crumbled, all the things he had been trying to protect himself from would pass through and destroy everything he had worked so hard for? Maybe it was time to accept that this was all he could be; that there was no way for him to change, no way to soften his edges or stick firm to his beliefs that wouldn’t end with him in a losing position.

His ribs ached, bending unnaturally until he felt a snap in his chest.

Perhaps Janus was right by calling him evil. He had proven it time and time again that he was no good for Thomas. In fact, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that he was worse than Remus. At least he couldn't help the way he was, didn't have control over the problems he caused unlike Roman. He was supposed to be the half with all the bad parts removed. The 2.0 version, new and improved. He had no excuse for being as flawed as he was, not really. All this time spent thinking he was the good twin, and it was nothing more than an act of self-delusion. The grandeur of a side with nothing to show for it beyond his words.

His eyelid puffed up and mottled with colour.

...He was bad. Unneeded. Evil.

The capillaries across his knuckles burst and stained them a violent red.

Everything would be so much better if he just-

"Broman?" Oh shit.

Romans eyes flew open. And he realized belatedly that he wasn't looking at his floor; his floor had intricate Persian rugs and a soft fluffy carpet. This one had various stains and burns and felt scratchy against his fingers.

"What the fuck. Princey? You good?"

1) He wasn't in his room. 2) Wherever he was, Remus and Virgil were here too.

"M-my mistake! I must have accidentally sunk out to the wrong place. If you'll excuse me-" He tried, but his voice was hoarse and clearly not okay. Of all times for his acting skills to have failed him.

"Oh no you don't."

Before he could sink out through the floor, two arms latched under his armpits and hoisted him upright. He choked back a gasp at the sudden movement, senses flashing white as his injuries were jostled. He barely heard the shocked exclamation in front of him before the two voices discussed something hastily and he was deposited onto a soft surface. The ringing in his ears faded, just in time to hear Virgil speak.

"What happened? " He asked, voice layered with anxiety and sounding on the verge of a panic attack. Roman would have tried to reassure him if he didn't feel like his entire body was on fire.

"It just happens sometimes, when Thomas’ ego gets bruised." Remus answered bitterly when it became clear his brother wasn't in a position to explain. He then muttered under his breath: "Though this time is different, huh?"

"What? I thought- I didn’t know it got this bad.” Virgil whispers, horrified.

"Sorry you have to see this, Finding Emo." Roman croaked once he began slowly coming back to his senses. He would regret not being more composed later, but right now he couldn't really bring himself to care about anything. “I’ll be as good as Gucci soon.”

"No. Shut the fuck up, you don't get to say that." Remus said angrily. Why did he sound so mad? Roman tried to crack open his eyes to check, but the world was still spinning too much for him to really recognize what was he was seeing. On top of that it seemed one of his eyes was swollen shut. Joy. That'll make it more difficult to patch himself up later.

"'Told you before, I can handle myself." He finally managed.

"Yeah? Was that you 'handling yourself' when you dropped in and started bleeding all over my floor? Or when you stopped talking to me and kicked us 'dark sides' to the curb because your sense of superiority was more important? Or when you started acting like a royal prick to everyone just so they wouldn't know you spend your nights licking your wounds?"

"Stop." Roman pleaded, shamefully curling into himself as much as his body allowed in its current state. Remus paused in his tirade before continuing, more quietly.

"If you're uncomfortable just from that, you should try watching your brother slowly self-destruct for years and not being able to do anything about it. That's fucking uncomfortable." Roman heard a sniffle, and his body went cold. He hadn't heard Remus get upset since they were kids. Sometimes he forgot that there was more to his brother than his disgusting unpredictable persona, and the thought that he could've been hurting Remus all this time was something that had never even crossed his mind.

"I'm..." Sorry? Was he sorry? Apologizing was practically second nature at this point, but he couldn't even tell if the words would be genuine if he said them. Was he sorry for his actions or for hurting Remus, or was it the fact that he had been caught at all? If he had it his way, none of this would be happening, so perhaps he wasn't as apologetic as he thought. He really was the worst, wasn't he?

Remus seemed to pick up on what he was thinking about saying, because he laughed; not in his usual cartoon-ish way, but resigned and hurt. The sound pulled at Roman's heart. "Save it. Here's what's going to happen you Walmart Prince Eric knockoff. You’re going to accept our help whether you like it or not, and if you try to pull any self-sacrificing BS at any point, I’m going to eat your entire makeup collection.”

“...You wouldn’t. You don’t like the way glitter sticks to your teeth.” Roman argued weakly, just for the sake of being contrary.

“Try me.”

Roman sighed. He really didn’t doubt that Remus would be petty enough to go through with his threats, especially since he knew it how much it would bother Roman to summon a new set. In any case, he wasn’t in a position to do much of anything at the moment, and now that it was too late to pretend like this never happened, he figured he might as well roll with it. Future him could deal with the consequences later.

“Okay.” He said after a moments pause, looking to the Virgil-shaped figure, as much as the crick in his neck would allow. “...Just don’t tell Patton about this. Not yet.”

The figure shuffled, out of what was probably awkwardness after having watching the twins argue. “No worries dude. We’re not exactly on- uh. Y’know what, nevermind, I’ll just go get the medical kit.”

During the moments that Virgil had shuffled off, there was an empty silence. Roman spent it trying to blink his uninjured eye back into focus, until he was finally able to spot Remus standing across from him, an uncharacteristically glum look on his face. "You look like you're going to a funeral."

"Don't even joke about that. I don't need more thoughts about-"

"Death? I thought that was pretty par for the course."

Remus smiled wryly at him, sarcastic and mocking. "You dying, dummy. D'you think I never imagined it? Something happening and you disappearing because you never let anyone help you- and me not even knowing it happened? Finding out much too late? Being alone?"

Roman didn't know what to say to that. "Sorry." He blurted out, and this time he felt like he meant it. "If it means anything in retrospect, I wouldn't have ever let it go that far. I think."

"'You think.'" Remus repeated. "God, you need some self-care. It's a shame you and Jan-jan weren't friends before. It's supposed to be his job to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen, you know."

Roman felt himself flinch at the mention of Janus' name before he could control it. If Remus noticed, he didn't get the chance to comment on it, because at that moment Virgil came bustling back with a first aid kit.

"I didn't know what else you needed, so I got some water, balms, bandages, frozen peas, and creams. Just in case." He spoke, noticeably out of breath.

"Water?" Roman asked as a glass was held towards him. He pushed himself upright with some effort and accepted it.

"For painkillers." Virgil replied, handing him some pills once he had set the other items down. "Also your throat sounded kinda rough, and when you cry a lot you can get dehydrated, so..."

Surreptitiously, Roman wiped at his face and tried to not feel too embarrassed that the two of them had heard him wail like a toddler who'd had their favourite toy taken away. Before he knew it, he had taken the pills and downed half of the glass while the other two sides unpacked the medical supplies. Virgil really had thought of everything he might have needed.

Roman blinked as he watched them, stunned that he would go to so much effort. "This is very thoughtful of you, Medic Parade."

Virgil paused as he pieced together the nickname, and then scowled. "Mayday doesn't even sound anything like medic- and it's not. I just didn't want to- y'know- get the wrong things and make it worse."

Remus elbowed Virgil in the side, perhaps in an attempt to cheer him up. "Hey, you can't do any worse than what we did the first time Ro got a booboo."

"...And what was that?" Virgil's hesitant tone indicated he wasn't sure if he want to know.

"Nothing!" Remus grinned.

"I'm pretty sure that was just a concussion." Roman stated before Virgil got the wrong idea and thought they were totally stupid, looking upward as he tried to recall the incident Remus was talking about. It felt like forever ago now. "Not like anything could be done, to be fair."

"'Just'-" Virgil made a strange choked sound. "Is this what my life's gonna be now? Having a worry-induced heart attack every 5 minutes?"

"Welcome to the club!" Remus cheered, offering a fist bump which Virgil ignored in favour of burying his head in his hands.

"Goddammit. Alright- let's get this show on the road I guess. Roman, take your shirt off." When Remus' eyebrows started waggling, clearly about to make an inappropriate comment, Virgil waved his hands wildly to stop him. "So we can look at the damage! Shut your mouth Remus!"

"I didn't say anything." He intoned, looking overly smug before turning to Roman expectantly.

Said man frowned, placing the glass of water on the bedside table next to him. Before he made any move, he glanced at Virgil who was looking red either out of Remus-induced embarrassment or frustration. Mood. "You don't have to stick around for this part if you don't want to. It can be a bit much, so I wouldn't blame you."

"I'm not a baby, Roman." Virgil retorted, crossing his arms. "Making sure you don't die or something is way more important than my comfort. I can't promise you'll be safe from me calling you an idiot until you're better, though."

Roman looked away again. Was that condescending of him to ask? He opened his mouth to apologize, before closing it in resignation. No need to make this into an issue; he'll ask Virgil whether he felt belittled later. "...Okay. That's fair."

Instead of going through the pain of trying to remove a shirt with a possibly broken rib, he snapped and it disappeared. He heard a sharp inhale, but in response to what, he didn't know. Roman looked downwards to check. Among the remnants of previous attempts at self-healing (some messier than others), the area around his right rib was inflamed and a large portion of his stomach was splotched with purple. Noticeably, his left arm was also burning red, but luckily it seemed like the fracture there was non-displaced, which hopefully meant it would heal quicker. Other than that, there weren't any major injuries besides his black eye and bloody nose that needed attention. Could be worse, considering how god-awful he felt! 

Remus whistled. "You look like someone took a dalmatian and made it the colours of the bi-flag."

"Yeah. That's- weirdly accurate." Virgil winced. "What hurts most?"

"Uh- My arm and my ribs I suppose. They're a little... on the broken side."

"That's what I thought." Virgil muttered under his breath, grabbing the items to make a split. "I'll deal with those first, Remus you help with his nose and the bruising. And if you want to make yourself useful, hold these peas to your eye, dumbass."

"Your bedside manners are impeccable." Roman said sarcastically, taking the bag of peas and exhaling as he adjusted to the cold feeling pressed against his face. "...Here I thought there would be a grace period before you started calling me names."

"Just calling it like I see it." Virgil hummed. With deft fingers, he held the splint under Roman's forearm and began winding the bandages around it. "You should probably make an actual brace later when you're up to it, but hopefully this should keep it in place and remind you to not use it for now."

"But that sides my dominant arm-" Roman whined, about to complain about how he was supposed to get work done until Remus pinched the bridge of his nose none too gently, and he yelped. "Ow! Remus."

"Think of that as payback for the last 15 years." Remus replied lightly. "Tilt your head back."

Begrudgingly, Roman complied, resting his head against the headboard.  He stared at the ceiling as his brother and best friend silently worked their way around his injuries, applying topical ointment to his bruises and applying band-aids to small cuts. He didn't even realize they had finished until Remus bonked him on the head.

"All done! Shame it's not Halloween. You could go as a mummy again."

"Ha ha. What a comedian you are." Roman replied in a deadpan, but fought to keep a smile away anyway. The irony of how much he resembled that costume right now definitely wasn't lost on him.

"...I'm sorry for ruining that, by the way." Virgil spoke up suddenly from where he had been packing everything away, breaking the thoughtful silence he'd been in for the past few minutes. "Your costume during the Christmas video, I mean. And saying all of that harsh stuff to make a point."

Roman only stared, taken aback. "All of that happened half a year ago. I'm not upset about that."

"I know, I know. It's just... I've been thinking about it recently, all the times I haven't acted very...good." He bit his lip, averting his eyes. "Especially now, knowing that kind of thing literally hurts you."

"Virgil." Roman sighed softly, taking his hand. Virgil startled but didn't pull away. "You don't need to be 'good' all the time. Wasn't that the point you were trying to get across back then? All of us have made mistakes in our pasts, some more than others, but if you can forgive us for that, then you deserve the same acceptance for your less-than-stellar moments."

"Oh." He said, eyes glassy. His hand tightened around Roman's. "I'm still sorry, if I've ever made things worse for you or if I haven't been supportive enough."

"I- You have-"  Roman spluttered worriedly, sitting up.

"It's alright, I already know that we kinda work against each other at times. Part of the job." Roman's mouth closed with a grimace. "Still, it's unfair on you. You shouldn't be expected to perfect, especially not with an asshole like me there to tear into your work. So just...know that it's okay to tell us when you're struggling, okay?"

"Right..." Roman bit his cheek. Virgil seemed well-meaning, but showing that sort of weakness was a concept he still found difficult to accept, even if he had given in this time and allowed himself to be completely seen. Virgil noticed his lackluster agreement and patted him with his free hand.

"Hey. In almost any case we'd embrace you."

"...No one hates you."  Roman finished a beat later with a small smile. Virgil's face lit up and moved closer to his side. Upon seeing this, Remus unceremoniously squished himself between the two of them, careful not to bump against Roman too much (although Virgil definitely got the brunt of Remus crawling over him, to his dismay).

"Look at you two, my favourite dorks, bonding over feeling insecure!" He declared, throwing an arm around both of them. "Couldn't be me, but I still love you."

Roman poked Remus' side. "So that wasn't you admitting to being worried earlier?"

"Nope! New phone who dis?"

"You're insufferable." Virgil rolled his eyes fondly. "...I love you guys."

And Roman sighed contently, feeling safe and cared for. Things weren't perfect right now; he still needed time to heal and Remus and Virgil would undoubtedly want him to open up about what happened sooner or later, but for now he was was able to hear that he was loved and believe it to be true, and that was enough.

"I love you both too. Thank you."

[forbidding-souda]

jeez, i like this blog. how about writing Soda, Kirigiri, Mukuro, Celeste, Hagakure, Ouma and Kiibo with albino s/o? some cute general hc and some hcs about dealing with their sensetive to sun skin and eyes and weak health at all, and with people who bullying them for their appearance? thanks, have a nice day.

Kazuichi Souda, Kyoko Kirigiri, Mukuro Ikusaba, Celestia Ludenberg, Yasuhiro Hagakure, Kokichi Ouma, and Kiibo with albino S/O

Ya’ll are opening my horizons to different things wait I love this. 

Ever since this request popped into my ask box I’ve been excited to write it sorry it took so long! Kisses xx

-Mod Souda

Kazuichi Souda

He’s basically your designated driver when you need it.

Any questions you have at all about trying to read signs from a distance or if there’s anyone nearby that might make fun of you, he’ll answer you. He’s good at defending you.

Since he’s semi intimidating, if you’re with him, people just think wow look at the alt couple. Some people assume that you don’t naturally look like that, too.

When he first met you, he’d wave to you once you exited school, not realizing you could hardly see him with the sun outside.

You sun burn easily, too, and his first solution to this was to try and get you to wear one of his jumpers.

I mean - yeah but also no.

Once tried to convince you to wear his beanie to but you assured him that that will not protect you from the sun.

Your social scene was never too active because of the way you are. But Souda understand this too, on a less medical sense. 

He always tries to get you to hang around his friends, as well.

He’s always there to remind you that you are not a curse and that he loves you, kissing your skin and holding you close.

Since you were bullied throughout your kid years, when you finally were around his friend group, you were surprised that all of them were nice.

He is a very good person to be with when it comes to things like, of course, being nervous about who you are. 

He’s helpful and will work harder to get money to buy anything you need to help you live more comfortably.

Surprises you with flowers a lot. Not necessarily bouquets but just small flowers lying around your room.

His favorite thing to do is just surprise you with small things hidden around the house. Your favorite drink, small sweats, things that make you happy.

Kyoko Kirigiri

She’s a very intelligent girl, and she holds a lot of power.

“Remember to bring your sunglasses,” she’ll always remind you.

Has extra gloves for you, too.

Requests to change some of the lightbulbs in the classrooms just in case they are the type that hurt you.

She’s also a very good cuddler, too! She’ll run her fingers up and down your arms or play with your hair.

Doesn’t like to go on dates outside, which is fine by you.

Instead of outside dates, she’ll watch your favorite movies with you, or ask you questions to learn more about you.

She’s a curious cat when it comes to what makes you you.

You try to reciprocate the energy, but she doesn’t like to answer all of the questions you give her.

All the questions, all the questions, all the questions! You almost think she’s making a journal about you.

Sometimes she’ll take you out in the night in December, putting Christmas lights around the neighborhood. 

Someone will have to get on the other’s shoulders, often, but that just makes everything so much funner.

Especially when the tiny bit of snow falls from the sky.

Seeing Kyoko in the snow is like watching an angel.

Mukuro Ikusaba

She doesn’t quite understand what albinism means.

But she knows that it’s something serious, and you aren’t like other people.

Anything you tell her she’ll try to remember.

For your birthday, she got you a parasol. It was your favorite color, too! 

Twirling it in your hand while the two of you walk together is everything!

You got her a matching one, too, the both of you can twirl your parasol’s together.

She gets you a lot of random presents, things you don’t even know where she gets it from. Posters of your favorite musicians are you favorites.

When she moves into your house, she adds a lot of decor to your room. Things like plants, adding shelves for her books, and different stuffed animals her sister stole for her when they were homeless.

She’s very much an indoors person, but she is willing to do the shopping and cooking whenever you don’t feel well.

Can carry you, too. She’s surprisingly strong. 

Not that she can carry you, let me correct myself. She will carry you.

Also will fight anyone who disrespects you.

Celestia Ludenberg

She has a collection of parasol’s in her house, and will definitely allow you to dress up in her gothic lolita clothes if you so desired.

She likes touching your skin, too, definitely.

Everything about you is beautiful to her.

Being next to you in public makes her proud that she was able to date someone like you. 

Will help you in any way. 

But she always wants something in return. A kiss, nothing serious. Maybe showering with her if she’s feeling lonely enough.

“You’re invited to the mansion with me when I become rich,” she coos one night, turning to her side to look at you.

To her, the invite was a serious thing. All of her life she dreamed about being alone in the house with all of those boys. But if you’re there with her, then it might be a little better.

She is dreamy when it comes to skincare, and will always massage your face. It’s usually when you come back from being outside, and the sun has bothered your eyes, she will draw her thin fingers across your face to try and ease at least some pain.

But she’s such a drama queen sometimes, wondering why you can’t just go have tea with her sometime. Both of you settled on going when the sun is down, or when the clouds are thick. 

Because tea with her is fun, actually. Makes you tune into your inner lolita subculture.

Yasuhiro Hagakure

He’s a dummy sometimes.

“Hiro, can you grab my sunhat?”

“Sure thing!”

You step outside, asking him where it is.

“I forgot to get it, wait-”

His body is really large, and he can shade you if you get too overwhelmed. Not to mention that he easily drapes his jacket over you, sometimes.

This boy cares a lot!!!!

He listens to your every last word and complaint!! If you are in pain? He’s gonna take you home immediately!

A lot of strangers like to stare at you, sometimes taking pictures without you noticing.

He always calls them out, often yelling in public to defend you.

You defend him, too, sometimes having to bonk people on the head when they gawk at him.

But he’s an outdoorsy fellow when he’s not constantly in fear that the yakuza would kill him.

You don’t get to see him all that often. It’s a little disheartening.

He comes home whenever he can to give you big hugs!

Kokichi Ouma

He’s a little goofer sometimes.

Sometimes you have to go out without him, and it’ll never go well.

You’ll be almost out the door. “Where are my sunglasses?”

“Oh, I don’t know, S/O. Where are they?”

“You little shit.”

He always wants to go with you when you go outside. Just because he likes hanging out with you, also because he thinks your routine is very interesting.

Sneaks up on you all the time. Especially in public. 

It’s your least favorite thing ever when he does it when it’s sunny outside. 

But if someone tries to bother you, though, he will trip them or spit on them or even push them out of the way.

A lot of his DICE members will join in too, terrorizing them even days after. 

Every time he spends the night, he wakes up earlier than you, and always makes you a cup of tea/water/coffee for you when you wake up. 

He definitely gives you hugs from behind, too. Not even to surprise you. He just really likes wrapping his arms around you from that angle.

Draws you little pictures of yourself to leave around the house. It’s weird when he hasn’t came over in a while and yet you still find little post-it notes all over.

Kiibo

He has a very big brain! But he still asks a lot of questions about it.

He makes, almost forces, you to eat a lot of healthy foods so your physical health can improve a bit. It’s very annoying, but you do it for him.

Surprise kisses are what he’s good at! He will wake you up with kisses, give you nightly kisses before he turns off, and give you kisses throughout his day.

And he keeps his eyes on you!! Like all the time!!

Because he worries, and he tries not to let you know, which fails.

“Kiibo, you don’t have to worry.”

“I-I’m not worried! I just... love you a lot.”

You laugh, “you are worried because you love me.”

It makes him blush every time you tell him that. 

He loves you with all of his heart, it’s scary sometimes!

He didn’t think it was possible to love someone so much!

So he likes hearing you say you love him all the time. 

He doesn’t like the sun that much, and his ventures outside are shortlived, so you don’t have to worry about being forced to go out for whatever reason. 

[mindjumpthoughts]

Types as things they have said to me, which I try to remember 💕

INTJ

I don't argue with you because I want to be right, I argue because I want to find the truth. I wouldn't bother fighting if I wouldn't respect you.

ENTJ

My friends used to take advantage of the way I am. I used to plan things ready for them, and they never did anything. At some point, if you feel like people are never ready to catch you from free falling, it's ok to let go of those people.

INTP

When you meet people, some of them get upset from the smallest of things. My theory is that those ppl haven't lived through hard rock bottom yet. When you see someone who fails miserably, but smiles through it and fixes the problem, you know that person has seen shit. People are logical like that.

ENTP

You can be smart in so many ways. I think that if you try to be smart in too many ways, you end up being either burnt out or stressed out. Wisdom is when you know which areas of smartness you want to focus in.

INFJ

I don't draw because I want to impress people. I do things that I do because I enjoy them greatly. I think if I would not enjoy them, you could see it in the final product, right?

ENFJ

You don't own second chances to people who have not done anything for you. If they are trying to enjoy your company after hurting you, you can desice not to. Being nice is sometimes not the solution, if you want people to understand consequences.

INFP

There are people who like first-level fun: they go to cafés, order sweet drinks, keep the room temperature comfortable and travel with friends and plans. Then there are us who do uncomfortable things and enjoy them. I feel like the first-level funners will never get me.

ENFP

Are you feeling cold and tired and want to give up? But this is the only moment you possibly ever can feel the wind like this, so you can choose to also enjoy its uniqueness. It won't last long, and you will miss it.

ISTJ

If you want to go to that event, I will go with you. I know I will have fun because of the company, whatever event that is.

ESTJ

I like people who know how to have random fun, can think out of the box, but still are worth the trust and can be there without a problem in sad times. That's why I try to be that kind of person myself.

ISTP

Drama is not always useless. It clears air and builds the trust that you can be direct in things with the ones close to you. Surviving the storms in friendships is as important as the calm in betweens.

ESTP

You don't have to smile and try to point out the positive stuff. You have had a shit day. It's ok to swear and be angry. And even if you do it, it won't change my opinion on your personality. It will just be natural thing to do when things are bad.

ISFJ

People who don't make a big deal out of things like gender, looks and other things like that are important to me. People are people. I like to hang out with people who see me and not what my outer qualities imply. With those people I feel like me.

ESFJ

This is my opinion. This is how I see the world. You have a different views? I don't care, I still trust you and that's what matters. With trust, I give every person only one chance, and if they ruin that chance then I'm not interested anymore. Brutal, but that's how I choose my people.

ISFP

Just because we are different and have different opinions on this, I understand you. It's heartbreaking and makes sense, but I don't have to bend my own opinion to understand. That's how I function.

ESFP

Sometimes happiness is just that that you keep yourself busy through the worst saddness, and get used to feeling normal. That's how you remember how to laugh and enjoy. Things get easier when you grow older and most of the things are in the past, trust me.

[zephyr-together]

general life/projects update...!

still planning on going on vacation to California this year and submit demo reels to agencies both before hand and follow up in person if possible while there, but probably won’t do that until fall or winter. I talked with Mac for a couple hours and gained a ton of advice and insight on what steps to take. he suggested some super rad people to take classes with that instead of just producing the reel would help you come up with what your best character voice styles are, what lines they should have to convey your acting skills, what order they should be in, stuff like that! which sounds so good because I always thought that was up to just me and that feels like a big weight lifted that I’ll be able to get the proper help I need to make the best reel(s) I can sometime this year!

because of having to stay here longer though, it made me realize that half the reason I felt desperate to move out to California is actually to also get a day time job that I feel confident and comfortable in. I LOVE Round 1, as in, I love the people there and how it feels like my first time being involved in a group of people that truly loves and accepts me and I don’t feel like a total outcast with. so because of that I felt like I HAD to work there because it won’t be the same anywhere else. but I’m being more honest with myself how negatively it can affect me too. even though being around people that like me feels super good I also have constant anxiety when I’m working over being good enough because I can’t work nearly as many hours as everyone else because of my autism/anxiety

so I want to work towards hopefully getting a job where I’m not just struggling and tolerating but truly feel like I’m actually good at it and can be confident and happy while working there. I’m in the process of taking career assessment tests! so far it looks like where I’m best suited is artistic areas. the idea of being able to do something like that as a main job sounds amazing but it makes me anxious taking the tests because I score so low in the really academic/smart stuff and higher in the artsy stuff and it made me think of how badly I did in school and made me worry that everything I’m coming up short in I “should” be good at and everything I like doing/am good at is a waste of time. but that kinda opened my eyes on how dumb the education system is with how they put value on what they think kids should be good at instead of recognizing each individual’s unique interests and talents

I think because of JAFAX being over, the intense heat lately, and the anxiety about finding a different job I’ve been in a giant slump for a couple weeks. but I think I’m doing way better at dealing with that than I have in the past at least...I’m just trying to work up to doing things instead of not doing anything. so I’ve mainly just been sketching, a bunch of fanart and also lots of new characters. any time I get a unique vibe or idea for a character I just wanna get it out now. it’s super theraputic and it makes me wonder if I’d do anything more professional with stuff like that one day. I wanna be more open to where things lead instead of being narrow minded and blocking off the idea but for now creating characters and drawing/coloring does feel way better than I remember when I haven’t done it in a while so I’d like to post drawings more often

speaking of characters/drawing I wanna get back into FatF really soon and while I feel bad that I’ve put it off because of conventions and weird mental health dips/procrastination/etc, I know because of the new tablet it’ll go WAY faster and also be tons more fun to work on so I just feel good about that...and if it’s faster and funner that means it’ll be way easier to maintain a regular schedule with it!

also regarding thinking of a new job, and art! I’m seriously thinking that instead of a full time job, I might actually want a different part time job, combined with me possibly doing plushing/drawing sorta as a second part time job (raising prices on plush commissions and better promoting them, selling old plush on Etsy that I’ve been meaning to, maybe advertise commissions on Etsy as well. I’m also really thinking about drawing commissions and character design commissions. I’ve always felt that my art’s not good enough for that but it doesn’t have to be much and would probably help both financially and creatively if anyone’s up for that)

about voice over, because of the slump and procrastination I haven’t been doing it regularly but the other day I started to get back into it and it felt super good. the interesting thing was before I did, I had pretty intense anxiety about it, BUT it wasn’t the same kind as years ago. instead of intense anxiety about everything that would go wrong if I try, it was anxiety about NOT doing it. it made me rethink anxiety in general and the meaning of it, because I’ve always thought of it and heard of it as an inhibitor, but in this case it really pushed me to take action...so I think it actually can be a good think at times? wild...

also for plushies I wanna get back into them too of course and after making the two I really wanna do for Dokidokon it just hit me tonight that I REALLY wanna make Eden for Edmund McMillen. I’ve been hyperfocusing on Isaac more than I ever have and I think half the reason is from actually hearing in detail it’s inspiration and how I relate with it from all the garbage I’ve dealt with about high expectations to be perfectly sinless and pure or something, according to the strict ideals of other people instead of what I actually believe for myself. so I wanted to write Edmund a letter and make him something for a few days and just an hour or two ago thought I should do Eden since they’re me! but then worried that might be super narcissistic or something until out of curiosity I tried finding who Edmund’s fav is to make that character instead and I found this which made me feel SO valid and happy...

so I guess that’s all then! sorry this got pretty long! I feel good putting it all out though since I feel like I’ve been pretty distant or to myself about so much lately and it feels pretty lonely and isolating. I wanna work towards doing better with updating people how things are going, though not this detailed all the time of course alkjadlfkj

[disruptedvice]

Starmora Prompt: First Wedding Anniversary Since Elspeth Quill's birth.

AO3 Link

They were nervous, leaving the ship without her.

Gamora and Peter were going to see a movie on Xandar, and the plan was to leave Elspeth with the rest of the family while they both got out of the ship at the same time without her in tow, so they could celebrate their wedding anniversary together, just the two of them.

[sun-summoning]

prompt: family

“so, china, where are we going?”

kagura hasn’t spoken to him since he made his presence known after stowing away on her ship. apparently he’d followed her to where papi had left the ship he was lending her and then the stupid sadist boarded it when she wasn’t looking. she slants him a scowl before deciding bickering would be funner than sitting in silence as the ship transports them on autopilot.

“rakuyou, you stupid deadweight.”

“never heard of it.”

“it’s not the kind of place people bother knowing about,” she explains. she gestures to the ship they’re currently on. “commercial lines won’t take you there so you need your own ride.”

sougo raises an eyebrow at her. “you can barely afford sukonbu. how do you have a ship?”

“papi is the greatest alien hunter in the universe. sometimes he can be useful, yes?”

“and why are we going to a planet that sensible travellers don’t frequent?”

kagura kicks his chair, but all that does is send him spinning slowly. when he’s facing her again, his expression is as uninterested as ever, but she can see his curiosity. after all, he did follow her onto a spaceship without a second thought.

“well you are here because you’re a stupid, nosy chihuahua what followed me.” she smiles smugly. “although like a true dog i suppose you know who your master is--ow!” she rubs the spot where he kicked her and then sticks her tongue out at him. “i am going to rakuyou because i’m visiting--”

the truth tumbles out so freely, so easily, that kagura gives pause when she almost gets to the point because since when was she so comfortable talking to the sadist like this? but kagura knows the answer to that, as much as she doesn’t want to admit.

she’s going to rakuyou to visit her mother, simply put. it’s been a few years since that other time and her family all agreed that perhaps it was time to see mami once more.

“i’m meeting papi,” she admits. “and baka aniki.”

“so a family reunion then.”

“yeah,” she confirms. “we’re going to visit my mami.” she chews her lip. “together.���

she eyes him and notes the tick in his jaw, the way his lips twist in a quasi grimace. he looks uncomfortable if not a little guilty, she thinks, as if he realizes she wasn’t up to anything particularly heinous (although she doubts he ever truly thought that) and now feels bad for tagging along. especially for something so personal.

“i’m just going for a day,” she continues. “i have work to get back to, after all.”

“watching soap operas while eating snacks is hardly considered work.”

“neither is taking naps in the park and picking on beautiful young maidens!”

sougo reaches out and grabs the back of her chair, grinning when he sends her spinning so rapidly she almost slides off of it.

“i’ll wait on the ship then,” he tells her. “then you, my chauffeur, can bring me back to edo.”

“huh?” 

admittedly, since he’d popped out of his hiding spot and asked her where the bathroom was, after giving him a good beating for sneaking along, kagura had been considering the places on rakuyou that she wanted to show him. this is where i got into my first fight, this is where i found sadaharus 1-17, this is where the gorillas gave me some of their bananas, this is where i grew up. 

“you can come,” she offers.

sougo shakes his head though. “you’re going to be with your brother and father. this is for family, idiot.”

“i--i know.” she risks a glance his way and finds him staring forward into the abyss of space contemplatively. swallowing thickly, she mumbles, “so you should come, yes?”

these terms and titles earthlings obsess over so much still confuse kagura, but “family” is one she gets. family is fighting over hot crab legs with gin-chan and shinpachi. it’s helping anego kick the gorilla to the curb when he gets too annoying. it’s punching annoying drunkards when they start giving the old hag lip or making fun of catherine’s face. and, she thinks reluctantly, it’s being with the sadist, bickering, brawling, and being menaces to society.

in her periphery, all she can see is his hand draped over the arm rest. she catches the way he tenses, the way he considers her words. sougo is just another warrior and is best read through his body language. she notes the pause in his movements, the way he literally draws back, and then how he eventually turns to her. he looks at her and she looks back, not quite smiling, but everything she knows she feels written all over her face.

“i’ve always wondered where a monster girl like you could have come from,” he replies slowly. “i guess i can join.”

kagura shrugs and mutters that she doesn’t care. she leans back into her chair and so does he. she spins in it a few times before kicking his own chair to make him do the same. when they both come to a stop, they’re facing each other. kagura feels the heat rushing to her face and she looks down at her lap.

she’s glad he’s here, she doesn’t want to admit. 

being with papi and with baka aniki is fine, but there’s still so much between them that sometimes she wishes she had gin-chan or shinpachi or sadaharu -- any of the comforts of her new home and her other family. 

and while all she has for comfort instead is this stupid sadist, kagura decides that he’s enough. 

[this-is-jes]

Is all the countries too much to ask?

Okay, it took FOREVER, but I actually did pretty much all of them (I left out like three). If anyone actully bothers to read through this, they’ll definitely get to know me a lot better. Man, was that a lot of questions!

America: What is your favourite place to eat? Home or Abuela’s house. My mom and abuela’s cooking is seriously the best.

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? I was homeschooled for a long time, and I’m an avid reader, so I sometimes mispronounce words I’ve only ever seen in print. I’ve also been told that I have a really slight accent and that I pronounce certain words strangely. I also use the word funner even though I know it’s not technically a word.

Austria: What kind of person do you wish to be? Intelligent, faithful, and kind. I want people to see Christ’s love when they look at me.

Belarus: Is there anyone you love? Family, friends, romantic interest? Well, I love my family and friends, of course. I am currently single, but there is a guy I like.  

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings? They’re sometimes fun, sometimes annoying. We have good times and bad.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why or why not? Yes, I just wish I was better at it!

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you? My family and a few childhood friends.

Cameroon: Describe your culture. Beautiful, diverse, and LOUD. (There are so many questions, I don’t want to go into more depth about the Cuban culture rn.)

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity? Sledding.

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any? When someone is disloyal, lies to me, or hurts an innocent person, I find it hard to forgive.

Cyprus: What hands-on activities do you like (drawing, carving, building, etc.)? Beading

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past? I miss all the free time I used to have as a kid. If I had it now, I’d have more time to write.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? Yes

England: Are you controlling? I believe I have a tendency to be this way, and I’m working on it.

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you? ALL THE FREAKING TIME.

Finland: What do you prefer, kindness, sternness, or apathy? What kind of a question is this? Kindness, of course.

France: How do you show love for those you care for? Thoughtful gifts. Acts of service. (This question made me realize that I definitely don’t do either enough though.)

Germania: What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do? Forgive someone who wasn’t sorry.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself? Yes. I am extremely hard on myself.

Ghana: What is your favourite sport? Baseball

Greece: Do you let others help you when in need? It depends.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust most? My parents.

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you have had? When I was a kid, I once dreamed that poisonous flamingos were chasing my down the street.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death? A little. I fear a painful death.

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why? Pffff… like all the time. I’ve been told that I’m kinda rude (unintentionally!!!!) and abrasive, so I try to force myself to be super friendly and cheerful.

India: How important is family to you? Very.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal? Octopus

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself? 

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love-hate relationship with? I don’t really think I hate anyone. I sometimes have a hard time getting along with my sister though.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave? Sometimes. I want to be braver though.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often? I’m not really sure. I’m on Tumblr a lot though.

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often? They think that I am physically weaker than I am.

Lithuania: Do you desire power? It depends.

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration? I love spending Noche Buena with my family.

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong? In some ways. In others, I am not as strong as I wish I was.

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person? I don’t really believe in luck.

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, Hobbit, or wizard? Elf

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality? I wish I wasn’t so anxious.

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life? When my aunt left her husband for another man. It really tore the family up, and it hurt my cousins so much. It still hurts.

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has done for you? My parents helped me pay for part of my college when I wasn’t making enough money for tuition.

Poland: Hardest thing you have gone through? Having a really bad anxiety disorder in high school and when my aunt got divorced.

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone? What kind of a question is this?

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered? As someone who served God faithfully and firmly stood up for what is right.

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of? How I sometimes flip out over small things when my anxiety disorder decides to resurface again.

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Yes.

Sealand: Who is your best friend? Sadly, my best friend and I have drifted apart since she got married. It’s really sad. We’ve known each other since we were really little. She’s one of my oldest friends.

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage? Coffee, but I’m trying to cut back.

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you? I usually just brush it off.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality? I’m not sure. I’ve never really thought about it before.

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance? I was wrong, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me. (TBH I can’t really think of anyone I hurt super bad though.)

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower, or independent? It depends. I’m going to go with independent though.

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good, or neutral? Idk. I’m working on good though.

Thailand: How good is your poker face? It depends on the situation. Sometimes it’s really good, and at other times it’s awful.

Tibet: What do you value most? My relationship with God.

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you? I love my parents, and while they are imperfect, I think they did a pretty good job.

Turkey: Would you ever want children? Yes. I think I would especially like to adopt.

Uganda: How would you like others to see you? As an intelligent and kind woman of strong character.

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life? My faith in God.

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself? Idk. I tend to beat myself up a lot, so this is a hard question to answer.

Yemen: What kind of art do you like? Literature.

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklore? I’m not sure I have a favorite.