#and also i'm v curious to hear other peoples' thoughts on certain things in here i wanna know if you agree with my expectations/hopes

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[pinkyjulien]

🌈 Queerness in CyberPunk 2077

I wanted to make this post earlier this month but got caught up in modding shenanigans, as per usual~

BUT! It's still June, still pride, so here it is :>

▶ DISCLAIMER

All of this is my analyses, headcanons, of different characters, some of them not confirmed at all in anyway or form! I'm a queer man myself, but I do not claim to know everything about queerness and being queer, everyone experience the game and interpret the characters differently 🤲 This is only my opinions, based off canon game events, clues, hints, as well as developpers's tweets, streams, files datamining etc etc Please do not see this thread as an attack, or as something invalidating! I'm more than curious to heard what you think about my personal analyses, if you agree, if you don't, and why! If you think other characters also display hints of queerness I'd love to hear it too! 💙

This picture is an update I did in 2022 of lil collage I did back in 2021~

I posted the first version on Reddit back in 2021 and it created this whole "what do mean JOHNNY is GAY?" (because a rainbow behind a man automatically means he's Gay and nothing else right) and a lot of biphobia over his character in particular (gasp- THE rockerboy?! Biseggsual?? In my viddy game??)

▶ You can look at the thread here and have a lil laugh

SO, NATURALLY, after doing the 2022 collage, I went and uploaded it to reddit once again! Because triggering bigots and seeing them stumble over their own tongues trying to debunk everything is really funny ✨

However, I instantly muted the thread and let it rot in its own sauce for some days, weeks, only coming back to it later and Oh Boy 👀

I did a thread on Twitter last year exploring everything that was said on the thread and explaining why I put certain characters on it

Thought it'd be cool and fun to re-explore that and share my thoughts with y'all here SO LETS GET BACK TO IT 😌🤙

▶▶▶

I'll mainly paste screenshots of what I already said on my twitter thread, but I might add some things there and there!

Damn I was kinda pissed off back then HGHFHGF but yeah, this is also the reason I won't ever make any straight or super straight flags I do not headcanon Delamain as Asexual, as there isn't any confirmation anywhere that he's interest in that kind of interaction or not, but I'll come back to him later!

Goro being canonly Queer is often missed, and this surprises me, considering he's one of the popular character! He is interested (or not) equally in both Fem and Masc V, giving he's replying to them the exact same ways! This isn't something done randomly by the devs :)

As said in the tweet, there isn't any direct and clear evidence of Mitch and Scorpion being a couple! Their relationship is heavily queer coded and queer people are more easily picking up on it than non-queer peoeple (and that's normal) Gay men have called their male partner Friend, Best friend and Brother through history maaaany many time, and that's part of my interpretation of their relationship too, especially giving they're both veterans who fought in the same war. The poem Mitch wrotes during "I'll Fly Away" (heavily implied) is romantic and gay coded, the gay novel in Mitch's tent (confirmed to be on purpose) is what we call environnemental story telling, it's subtle but adds to a character's backstory and lore! As for the datamining, I found a Mitch awkwardly explaining to V that no, Saul doesn't have any say in whatever he's doing with Scorpion stuff "because.... because... eh, that's just family stuff"

Note on Delamain here because I've heard it even caused some drama here on Tumblr that I said that? He uses He/Him to describe himself, the Main Entity, but multiples of his splites entities uses She/Her, meaning he's literally Non-Binary in how his entity is formed (I find it really cool for an AI ngl ngl) However if my headcanon offended anyone, I apologize! and I'd love to hear others interpretation :3

There isn't any open and visible MLM gay couple in Cyberpunk 2077! Bouncing off ElvenBeard's amazing analyses and thoughts on Kerry's sexuality, he can be seen as Bisexual (confirmed by RTAL themselves) and Homosexual (confirmed by the devs before and after the game released) he can be Both and Both are correct depending on how you view his character and how he grew from his past relationship (Bisexual with a masc preference, Bisexual who have to heal from his marriage, Gay man who realized his sexuality later after a wonky marriage, etc)

The whole "Responsability=Wife" Takemura take angers me to no end, taking its roots in heteronormativity- We see Goro care for his job above all else, to me that's what his "responsability" is and always was; his job

Nothing more to add here- Jackie's only relationship we see in game is with Misty, this doesn't confirm nor deny anything! (However with how he react to V pushing him, lip-bitting and all regardless of gender, I can totally see him as being queer)

AND That's about it!

It was interesting to dig into that thread last year and thought I'd share that here, as a refresher that Johnny is Bi, Takemura too, and smaller characters like Mitch and Evelynn still have clear hints of queerness to them ✨

I really like how CP77 touches on queerness, it feels realistic, it doesn't feel forced; which, sadly, create this problem of "UH?? This is pure LIES" if a character's sexuality is not splattered in your face, which then create the "Ugh why does it have to be forced down our throat" complains

Something something, lesson here is that people will always complain about queerness, be it loud, be it subtle, so fuck it! Scream it, go apeshit over small details, over-analyse everything cause chances are: this is intentional!

More Characters

I later noticed that Regina have a naked lady tattooed on her forearm, and since we know nothing is done randomly in CDPR's video games, makes me think that she might be sapphic in some way ✨

Mateo is also one of my fav "potential queer", how he could be a trans man, but there isn't anything really to support that other than that one interaction with V

▶ Link to the updated collage Reddit Thread

▶ Link to my Twitter breakdown

[m34gs]

(I know the ask said "anon" but I don't want to be.) I'm curious: Rate all the Saw movies from your favourite to least favourite.

Lol! No problem friend, thank you for the ask!! (related to this post)

Here is my personal list:

Saw (2004): First in the series. First in my heart. I love it. For having most of the story take place in a dirty abandoned bathroom with no outside interference, it definitely tells an interesting story. Plus, Lawrence/Adam is my favourite ship in the series. ADAM IS JUST RESTING. I also enjoy the fact that our main man, Dr. Lawrence Gordon, is played by Cary Elwes.

Saw VII (Saw: The Final Chapter): Despite it's name, this is not actually the last movie in the series; Jigsaw and Spiral were both created afterward, and there is to be yet another Saw movie in 2023. You know, honestly, the main reason this is my number 2 on the list is because it is the other movie in the series that Cary Elwes is in. Do I care if other people think that is a silly reason for ranking it, especially since it is widely regarded as one of the worse films in the series? No. No, I do not. Because I like what I like and I am not ashamed of it. Also, I did enjoy the way it tied into the previous movies by having support groups for survivors where we get to see previous trap victims; I thought that was a cool way to reinforce that the effect of the traps goes far beyond simply "live or die; make your choice" (yes this is one of my favourite phrases from the series)

Saw V: Why do I like this one? Because I called one of the plot twists from the very beginning. It was satisfying. I liked it. The groundwork was all laid in a logical manner, and I got to see characters who think differently than me come to their "Oh shit" moment at the end. Basically, five people are trapped in a "game" and have to make it to the end. The thing is, each room has a different obstacle they have to get through and 'limited' resources. Or so it seems. But at the end, there are only two left standing, and the pieces fall into place. They have to "donate" a certain amount of blood to open the door. (For the sake of others, I will not explain all the gory details). It would be enough blood donated to kill one person. But there are five slots for the donation. Why would there be? And they realize. The tunnels they hid in to avoid the fire could have held all five people, the tub with the shocks had five cables, the keys at the beginning were all the same and just one key passed among five people would have unlocked them all faster than each person running for their own. The message was team work, and for some reason that tickles my brain the right way and I don't get tired of this movie.

Spiral: This one is next on the list because I did really enjoy it. It's essentially Buddy-cop meets Horror movie, which is a fun concept to play with. It has a slight ambiguous ending, which I enjoy. Also, again, I liked this movie because I had the plot twist figured out and had pegged which character was the villain about twenty minutes in. I like when movies live up to my expectations and set the groundwork for the plot twists so that yes, the characters are taken by surprise, but the audience (me) is able to decipher it and savour the sweet realization that comes across the character's faces when they find out. Plays into my devious side a little bit lol.

Saw VI: So this one is kind of my middle point. I don't have much issue with it, it's not one of my favourites...I don't particularly enjoy the end with the hydrofluoric acid trap...but; I will admit it's a little entertaining to see Jigsaw switch from targeting individuals to targeting an Insurance firm. And to anyone who has been screwed over by an insurance company or had to hear their mother cry to an insurance agent over the phone because her meds are not covered or been unable to afford insurance/unemployed and therefore not having benefits of any kind, I am sure this movie brings a little bit of satisfaction.

Saw IV: This one. Not one of my faves. It's not that it's bad...more that I kind of find it...just meh. Like, yes important story stuff happens. And I think it's alright when I watch, but it's just so...mid? I always have a hard time remember exactly what happens in this one (except for the very end, I know what happens there. Splat happens. Big Splat.) Idk, I just feel if you wanna be higher on my faves list you gotta be more memorable.

Saw III: This one. Now, I like the themes. I like the struggle to forgive, to let go, to change, and then the end where everything Jeff (the poor unfortunate soul stuck in the trap) has worked to get to just...falls apart because he's too wound up to make the choice that would get him and his wife to safety. This movie honestly would be higher on my list if it wasn't for the god-forsaken pig corpse lawyer scene. I gagged when I first saw it. I gag every time I watch it. I have a strong stomach and I watch horror movies for fun. It is not *easy* to make me gag, and yet this scene always does and I just. Cannot. And so, that is what puts this scene toward the bottom of my list.

Jigsaw: Fuck this one. Stupid fucking revenge plot. Made me so cranky. The one that made the least sense, the one that had the most Out of Character characterization of the Jigsaw we have grown to know and love in the other movies. This one makes me viscerally react. It makes me angry. I hate this one.

Saw II: An interesting story, a cool plot twist, definitely some terrifying traps. Honestly, I wish I could like this one more. I wish I could. I literally, when I rewatch it, cannot watch all of it. I either end it early or skip parts of it. Why? Because Eric Matthews (played by Mark Wahlberg) is an absolute ass, has anger management issues to rival those of people in my own past, and I despise his character. Literally, I can watch the needle pit, the box with the razor blades, each and every trap in this movie, but when Eric starts losing his shit because things aren't going his way and starts smacking John Kramer around and shoving things and wrecking things and essentially throwing a tantrum, I get such bad flashbacks and panic attacks that I cannot watch anymore and I may start crying. I watch these movies to escape, not to relive my childhood. So, I have only seen this one in full once, and that was the first time I watched it. Since then, I cannot make it through the entire thing. Bonus: Saw 0.5: This is a short film, and was actually the inspiration for the entire franchise. It was made in 2003, and you can find it on YouTube. (Here's a link for the horror fans who want it) I like this because it's actually really well done and effective as a short film, and the way the movie, Saw (2004), incorporates the original short film into the story line. Amanda's trap is essentially the story from the 2003 short film, just edited a bit to fit into the Saw franchise storyline. Makes my brain happy. It's not a full-length movie, so I didn't include it in the above list, but honestly I would have it tie with #1, because the filming and the storytelling was so well done that you get an entire horror story in less than 10 minutes. That takes some skill.

[dontemptyourheart]

SPOILERS AHEAD:

for the disney live action little mermaid

my little mermaid review

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likes:

first off this story is so dear to my heart, I was obsessed w Hans Christian Anderson as a kid, like dress up as him and went to school obsessed, so I LOVED that they gave him his flowers at the start

as a pisces (i know) I'm a fucking fan for all the nautical shit, fathoms below, mermaid/siren lore, locations, the little details, really well done

the colors were more saturated than I had given them credit for based on the trailer

the score and arrangements were fabulous no complaint from me

on that note, Halle can sing like nobody's business, sounds v much like Jodi, such a beautiful voice

underwater effects 10/10

also wasn't mad at the glitter nail polish and shiny/scale skin

halle's makeup and hair underwater, trash. but on land sooo good. could this not have been restored with...effects of some kind my brother in christ?

pretty cool the additional songs they added to get not only Eric's but Ariel's inner monologue as well, something I didn't know I was missing and so happy to have

the actress who played Vanessa ATE that roll UP, she mothered, and acted tf out of her scenes my god

sebastian looked so realistic I wanted to steam him and eat his claws the whole time

the cherry on top? JODI FUCKING BENSON EVERYONE😍😍😍🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵 as a kid watching her walk around that lil rocky sand island singing part of ur world at the end of the vhs tape was always my fav part, so happy she's alive to see this and be included

dislikes:

no Triton's daughters song? sebastian's musical career is central to his character but ok. don't really know why the sisters needed a name change either, but hey

riddle me this, why do only scuttle, flounder, and sebastian speak? because they're big actors getting paid? make it make sense, please. I wanted the fish to sing in Under the Sea, and the eels, but only certain creatures have sentience ? Also they're all just cool w scuttle eating a fish 👁👄👁

and for under the sea, yeah jellyfish, starfish, and sea slugs are sick as hell.....but WHAT ABOUT FISH!?

part of me wishes Ursula's tentacles were purple and the fire cauldron was pink, like in og, but I understand they wanted to do a whole complementary blue/orange thing so I can let it slide

WHY WAS ARIEL IN THAT ONE BLUE DRESS ALL THE TIME, NO PJS?? CASUAL WEAR??? WEDDING DRESS??? the people want answers

no transition for her father giving her legs??? no shimmering dress??? -10/10 come on man that's like the best part!

apparently they don't know Eric lore bc he obviously plays the flute, but I digress

when Ursula puts Eric under her spell as Vanessa.....that wasn't really made clear, unless you've watched og. why not add some mist or sparkles or something...

was the amnesia necessary. is that really what was missing from this film. if anything they didn't drive the three sunsets home hard enough

no wedding cruise ship w dolphins, lobsters, and seals causing mayhem </3

it was a little dark bro, like if I saw this as a kid I would be terrified w the skulls and MERMAID SKELETON, blood oath, Ursula's random face gills, and her dad just like basically dying, wtf disney who is the intended audience

i see how they are turning away from colonization narrative by having Eric be adopted, and a curious explorer/academic. however, it felt weird and unnecessary bc I'm pretty sure the og and Anderson's versions take place in Denmark so....why

also the climate change nod, yes of course this is such an important issue, but can I just fucking escape politics and the real world and enjoy a fantastical tale about mermaids??? do I really need to be constantly reminded of humanity's defects I just cant-

and the biggest tragedy and dislike of all REST IN PIECE LE POISSOIN AND CHEF LOUIE 👼🪦😥

I tried to organize this post but Tumblr was being a pain in the ass so here we are, would love to hear other thoughts! not looking for an argument tho!

[thataspdfeel]

I'm curious, what are you most attracted to in your partners? Is it similar traits in all of them or different ones like their sense of humour etc.? Sorry if this is a weird question but you've said before you like when people ask about them so I thought I would.

i was so excited to get this and then forgot to answer it :/ im an idiot

also gonna put this under a cut cause this is gonna be hella long cause im a fucking romantic dork

god though i could wax poetic. they’re all so lovely. like they have traits in common but also are unique. they all have brown eyes but theyre unique. like my husband has these eyes that remind me of warm chocolate. like a chocolate fountain kind of warm chocolate. dark and smooth but reflect the light. my wife’s have tinges of gold in the irises like flecks of gold leaf. and theres a dark ring around the pupil and one around the edge of the iris. theyre fucking magical

my boyfriend’s eyes are almost black and very deep. darker than the night sky and full of warmth and mischief. but its like theyre never ending, like he can see the innermost parts of whoever he’s looking at, like your soul is written on your forehead

lmao i love eyes can you tell

they all have these goddamned sinful eyelashes and my boyfriend’s are the longest. theyre as dark as his eyes and when he’s embarrassed, he gets all shy and they brush against his cheekbones like how dare you sir. how dare you be beautiful even when youre embarrassed. i look like a fucking tomato. rude

my husband’s look gold at the tips with the way the light catches them. like yknow how fake eyelashes have purple or red at the tips? like that except gold. like what??? the fuck??? rude

they all have very soft hair though my boyfriend’s is the longest. i cant wait to get with him irl again cause i wanna braid it. he’s got a bony face and it frames it so well. it’s so dark brown its almost black and it’s fun to see him try to sweep it out of his face cause he refuses to tie it up

my husband has these wild curls. we were looking up how to take care of them and that’s how we found out hes ethnically jewish. (which makes sense considering he’s german) they get so thick and heavy and they’re so soft and lovely to nap in. which i do on a semi regular basis. its so soft and lovely and i love when he grows it out. he just doesn’t look right with shorter hair. and he has this beard that grows funny, makes him look like jedidiah if yknow what i mean. he has such a baby face without it and he loves beard scritches it’s so cute how happy he gets

bluh im bouncing all over the place i just??? love them?????? so??????????? much???????????????? there’s so much to talk about!!!

so i guess i’ll just try and make a list of the things i love about them

husband:

cheerful, bubbly, very sunny personality. the human incarnation of a very excited dog (which can be A Lot sometimes)

extremely kind. would give you the shirt off his back. often laments that he stopped carrying cash years ago every time he sees somebody who could use some despite the fact that we’re always broke

a proper southern gentleman??? like im fat so im used to people not holding doors open for me fucking ever and being really goddamned rude in general. he ALWAYS holds doors open for me, opens the car door for me both to get in and out of the car, and gets pouty if i try and carry my own bag. it’s so sweet??? ive literally never had that before and even after three and a half years, it’s still so charming

he will do literally anything the fuck i ask. he’ll say no and im like oh ok and he’ll tease like “finally! i said no! and got away with it!” just to make me giggle and then does it anyway

on this note, he also always cooks as much as absolutely possible. even though his spine gives him problems, he does his best to keep me off my leg

he’s always so concerned about my well being. like if there’s not a disability cart at the front of a store, he makes me sit down while he goes and chases one down. if im stiffer than usual due to a cold front, he’ll remind me to take pain meds every four hours

he’s trying to learn japanese because he knows i dont have anybody to practice with here in the states. just for me and not any other reason

adores animals. even if he finds a dog annoying, he’ll still fawn over it and give it as many pets as it wants and won't ever snap at it even if anybody else would. he’s got these large hands and he’s kind of clumsy but this goes away around animals. he’s just so careful and gentle like i never ever worry

drags me out of my introverted cave because he knows social interaction is also good

has introduced me to some of my favorite books and video games because he’s verious conscious about what somebody likes and works to be like “hey, i think youd like this” and is almost always correct??? amazing

has 0 sense of style but doesnt mind somebody who knows better keeping him from absolute disaster

dude is a damned good cook. ive gained like at least a solid 25 pounds since he moved in and started cooking regularly

SPEAKING OF COOKING, we met on the tail end of my anorexia when i was doing my best to recover and still slipping up. he never made me feel bad about it but always encouraged me to eat. he eats SO much (think shaggy rogers) that i always felt comfortable eating in front of him. he always reminds me to eat and asks if ive eaten that day. honestly, i wouldnt be at this level of recovery if it hadnt been for him

is amazing at caling me down holy fuck

wife:

met her first, of the three of them, ironically so ive known her the longest but been with her the shortest. we dated a few months in hs but there was a chick she wanted to date like right there (and i was in japan) so i was like oh go for it. well, they broke up and we got back together and it’s been lovely ever since

she has this snorting laugh that’s adorable to listen to and it makes me feel more comfortable laughing (because i think i sound like a damn goose)

SHE HAS SO MANY GODDAMNED FRECKLES ON HER CUTE LITTLE FACE THEY’RE ADORABLE AND AMAZING AND VERY FUN TO KISS BECAUSE SHE SQUIRMS

she has a goddamned button nose for chrissakes

and these really wide hips too like i felt bad about my hips years ago cause theyre p wide but shes adorable and has wide hips too. she kinda made me love them (even though hers are better)

she’s genderfluid so i get to be gay all across the gender spectrum (im agender) and she’s so beautiful and handsome and v amazing

we were both homestuck fans at the height of it (like we still are) but her cosplays are just really well done??? shes so talented

OH MY GOD SHE MAKES THIE CHICKEN SOUP WITH HOMEMADE NOODLES I WOULD SLAP AN OLD LADY FOR

i dont know about the rest of her cooking (sadly) due to limited time around each other but i cant fucking wait tbh. her cookies kill me tho i love them

an amazing fashion sense. im a dumpster compared to her

an amazing writer and artist and i die every time she sends me something like my soul fucking ascends

she loved me BEFORE meds which i think is amazing. like what a lovely human being yknow? im a dick without meds and she loved me anyway and i love that about her

she speaks german and she makes it sound beautiful and i cry

her singing voice is so angelic and it kills me when she sings because everybody should hear this lovely person sing

she is hyper empathetic and it makes her so lovely and kind and wonderful. she completely understands how i feel about things and why even when no one else does and is very good at de-escalating me when im upset

we’ve just known each other for something like 7 years now? like i dated her post my abusive ex and she lit up my whole world with happiness at being treated well. then her ex was abusive and just... we get each other? in a way where her husband and my other two partners dont. its a pain the others dont understand so we go to each other during these times of pain in a way we cant with other people. it’s a very special connection

she’s a goddamned goof and i love it

my boyfriend:

motherfucker is so skinny which is the opposite of me and for some reason it works?? idk like it worries me but it’s also unique. love it

we dated almost my whole senior year of hs but he broke up with me because he thought he didnt have the same depth of emotion as i did for him and didnt want to “hold me back” from somebody better. like??? can you imagine?????? how fucking kind

recently started dating again like it took him fourish years for him to realize SHIT I MADE A MISTAKE so he’s a little slow but he’s so very thoughtful

he’s a goof in a different way than the other two. dad jokes. never ending fucking dad jokes. and goddamned puns. he never stops. dont tell him i love them because then he’ll never let me tease him again (i pretend like its The Worst)

so. fucking. dramatic. always flips his hair in the sassiest way possible. its super gay (he’s bi)

he doesnt do a whole lot of romance or saying WHY he feels certain ways. he feels like it cheapens the emotion. but, on the rare occassion he doesnt let this bother him, his poetry he sends me about how he feels makes me fucking cry. it’s so beautiful. i love it

he works watering at a plant nursery and complains about how the bees always use him as a landing strip. it’s adorable

he’s so resourceful?? this is best seen when playing minecraft cause he makes some damn cool structures in some really nice places. i love playing it with him just to see what he builds and how (especially since im a boring, lets make this house a square kinda ho)

he’s so camera shy??? no selfies no skype at all. he’s so bashful and it’s super cute i love it

got me into DnD like yes thank you for this enjoyable nerdery

the sole reason i passed math in hs. like not only is he smart but hes also really good at explaining things to people? definitely a talent for teaching people things

he was my best friend for the longest time like all three of them are my best friend but he was the only one who was my best friend FIRST and then romance blossomed

like im demiromantic so i need a strong connection to fall in love like it was a solid few months of dating my husband before i began to love him. i knew my wife for awhile and got close so same general story. but my boyfriend and i were more friends to lovers and i love that about him

his dad is half italian so he talks with his hands and it’s so overdramatic that he hits people with them on a semi regular basis just gesturing. he once accidentally knocked my glasses all the way across a room cause i had walked behind him and he made a sweeping gesture. hilarious

one time, i had food poisoning and the pain was so bad, i had to crawl under his kitchen table until my mother came to take me to the base clinic. he sat with my head in his lap and brushed my hair out of my face and cooed gently at me to try and soothe me. it was so sweet and ive never forgotten about it

motherfucker, with the help of my sister, dragged me into homestuck

he’s so damn shy about affection that holdling his hand in public makes him blush. it’s even worse if i steal a kiss. fucking adorable

things all three have in common that i love:

good in bed. it sounds silly but this is important to me because while i dont necessarily need sex to form a close relationship to fall in love, it definitely helps

idk how this happened, i really dont, but somehow everything i like lines up nicely with everything they like??? and if im not into something, they can find it with each other and vise versa. lmao wtf how did this happen to line up idk

kind, generous, sweet, and helpful although all three show these qualities in different ways despite having them in common

love me??? like honestly it sounds so silly that id love that they love me but im such a flawed, terrible human being that it leaves me in deep awe that not only does one person love me but three??? how??? amazing people to find something in me to love and to keep on loving despite all my problems. beautiful

creative, smart, and inventive each in their own right. they fucking astound me and take my breath away

beautiful cuddlers (not being sarcastic, promise)

husband is a goddamned heater but boyfriend is a living block of ice. then wife is one of those who’s in between but she steals your heat and then hours later gives it back which is the worse option of the three. like it starts out all nice but then you end up surprised hours later because youre fucking dying of heatstroke

so we have two heatstroke, drowning in sweat options and then losing your limbs. it makes trying to set the thermostat a fucking nightmare

they all love to read and honestly? i couldnt be with anyone who doesnt like a good book

can hold lively, in depth discussions about things

hubby tends to lean more towards “would it be immoral to fuck a succubus” type morality questions and superhero dissection type things

wife is all over the place and can carry on a conversation about goddamned teapots if she so chose. no idea how she does it

boyfriend likes to entertain more morbid thoughts and psychology but also likes to analyze things. like homestuck. we still fucking dissect homestuck

very intelligent. blows my dumb ass out of the water. beautiful

like gaming various amounts and various kinds of games. hubs likes any and all. boyfriend likes dnd, monster hunter, minecraft etc kinds of things, not really one for cards or board games. wife prefers to craft but will occasionally engage in board games or cards, less so in video games but tends to stick to pokemon. it’s nice

they’re all very physically beautiful though in different ways. hubby is barrel chested and german with very strong arms and big hands, a bright and sunny smile. wife is small and round with tiny, artist hands and a sweet, pixie face. boyfriend is thin, long, and gaunt with pale skin and dark hair (kind of like damien from dream daddy tbh)

i could go on but ive been making this post for like well over two hours now and i figured maybe i should stop. it’s long as hell and idk if anybody else would have read this whole thing but basically i fucking adore my partners??? so much??? and there are so many things about them to love???

i just love them so much and could go on and on for hours about why i love each of them and how lovely they are and how they make me feel

ksdjrfgh im so sorry this is so long theres just so much to talk about //sweats