#and call me maybe is 120 bpm

[resus-pieces]

Melissa

This story is not mine. If you know who originally wrote it please comment their username so I can credit them.

“Hey Peter.”

“Hey Mel. Blood and urine are good. So tell me your problems. Bedtime-error again?”

“Uhhhhhhhhh yes. It’s still not working for us.”

“I need to exam you so undress and have a seat on the chair.”

Melissa hurries to undress her sweater, jeans, bra, and panties before spreading her legs on the chair – not the first time so she does it without help and without being ashamed of her nudity.

Peter switches on a lamp and directs the light directly on the pubic area of his patient. He sits down having Melissa’s fresh shaved privates directly in front of his face. “So still the same prob ey? May i ask what hubby does to you?”

“Licking and kissing lips and clitoris, pinching my nipples, kissing my breasts, slapping my backside. Then the in-and-out-game and sometimes we try it greek-style.”

“Maybe you should try other thinks? Like med-play?”

“Wha- what you mean?”

“Relax,” Peter runs vinyl gloves on his hands and starts a very rough bimanual exam on the wide-opened Melissa. Then he plays with her labia and clitoris while giving her oral pleasure.

“Uuuuuuuuhhhhh, Peter? It feels good but...not good enough.”

“Okay, Mel, no big prob, but I need Nancy and the crash cart in here-NANCY! WE NEED SPECIAL TREATMENT; GET THE CRASHCART IN HERE!”

“EN ROUTE, DOC!”

Peter installs video cameras and microphones all around the treatment area.

Nancy wheels in a crash cart and helps Peter preparing Melissa for her treatment.

They place an oxy-mask on her face and connect it to the oxy-bottle in the corner. Followed by placing the monitoring- electrodes for the 12-lead ecg, pulse oxy on right index finger, auto-R/R cuff around left arm. They finish by inserting a urinary catheter into Melissa’s urethra and hanging two saline IVs. They connect the monitoring equipment to the monitor which stands on Peter’s desk.

“130/90; 85; 90% oxy... okay, let’s start the treatment,” says Peter while stething Melissa’s heart and Nancy feeling for Melissa’s different pulses.

Melissa, panicky, looks at them. Her heart speeds up to 98 BPM.

“Shhhhhhhh, relax” Nancy whispers in her ear while gently touching Melissa’s breasts.

“We have to fix you on the chair, Melissa,” Peter tells her before fixating her arms and legs with leather straps.

“Ready for some pleasure, Melissa?”

“What do you want to do???” Melissa asks, fearfully looking to the crash cart while Nancy prepares the defib-paddles with gel.

“100J loaded, doctor.”

“Good, so we start helping Melissa over the finish-line,” says Peter while pressing one defib-paddle on her labia and releasing the first shock.

“OUTCH! What the hell are you doing? This hurts!”

“Helping you to get an orgasm.”

“I don’t want it this way!”

“Relax and take deep breaths”

“NOOO!” shouts Melissa fighting against the fixations.

“Anesthesia?” asks Nancy and Peter nods. Nancy injects Melissa a relaxant before giving her general anesthesia via the mask.

Melissa starts to pass out, laying fully relaxed and finally breathless on the gyno-chair.

“No breathing, doc!” Nancy calls out while giving her patient mtm.

“Stop mtm and hand me the laryngoscope to open the airway.”

After Nancy handed him the laryngoscope and ET tube, Peter looks into Melissa’s mouth, sees it empty, inserts the laryngoscope and carefully opens the airway so he can slide in the ET tube and connect it to the ventilator.

Nancy checks the ventilation – which is good and brings saturation up to 98%- and fixates the tube with plaster strips.

“Vitals?”

“130/90;90; 98%, stable heart rhythm.”

“Okay, stand back for 150J.”

“Loaded, doc.”

Peter presses the paddles harder onto Melissa’s labia and gives her 150J.

Goose bumps cover her bare skin. Melissa slightly jumps off the chair.

“120/70; stable rhythmic 98 BPM, saturation 95.”

“Okay” says Peter while watching Melissa’s privates. “No signs of pleasure, let’s give her 200J.”

Again Nancy loads, Peter shocks and Melissa slightly jumps. This time Nancy informs Peter about Melissa’s hardened nipples. “110/80: 110 with beginning arrhythmia; sat: 90.”

“Better. Mel is a bit wet now.”

“But I don’t know if she can survive this, Peter-”

“She will get her orgasm and we’ll bring her back to life...load 360 and place the AED.”

“O-okay, doc.”

Melissa’s labia are shocked, bringing goose bumps, a little jump, heavy breast-movement, hardened nipples, a bit genital wetness and. . .

“OH FUCK V-FIB! AED says shockable rhythm!”

“Stand back, Nancy” says Peter pressing the shock button. “We have to lay her on the floor for further resus.”

Peter and Nancy slide Melissa’s nude and shivering body to the floor and Peter presses the AED button again, letting Melissa jump and shiver.

“SHE’S STILL FIBRILLATING!!”

“FUCK. LOAD 360 again!” Peter presses the defib paddles on Melissa’s chest.

“LOADED!”

“Stand back.”

whoooomp – Melissa jumps and shivers, her breasts bounce wildly around then she lays limp and motionless on the floor.

“BAG HER, I’LL DO THE COMPRESSIONS!”

They start the forceful resus on their nude patient. Cameras filming every breast movement, goose bump and every drop of genital wetness. After 10 minutes of CPR they get no pulse and BP.

Peter grabs a heart-syringe filled with epi and rams the needle in Melissa’s lifeless heart.

After the second epi shot in her heart, Melissa shows no reaction.

Peter spreads her labia and inserts a high powered vibrator into her tight, wet, vagina. “Epi IV.”

Nancy injects. Peter compresses Melissa’s chest and finally they get a weak 71 pulse.

Peter calls 911 and when EMTs arrive they find Melissa’s nude body on the floor with 100/70; 86 BPM and a saturation of 90. Melissa is still ambubagged and transferred to ER where she gets meds to bring her circulation up.

Falling into a light coma she is transferred to ICU (monitoring, on vent, catheter still inside). In coma for 2 weeks, Melissa is visited by Frank every day and he sits beside her, gently touching her privates, waiting for her to wake up.

2 WEEKS LATER

Melissa lays in ICU bed, weakly breathing on her own now, after some critical days.

Frank kisses her nipples and gently slides two fingers carefully inside her vagina, while watching the film Peter gave him on his tablet. He feels that slowly his penis erects and he decides to straddle his wife.

After some gently in-and-out Melissa opens her eyes a bit and whispers “Frank? I can’t feel my heart. Save me…”

Frank starts to use a stethoscope on her uncovered chest and finally starts fake compressions and mtm. Gently, 30:2. He lets Melissa’s nipples harden and in the rhythm of the fake compressions, his finally fully erect penis brings Melissa to a fully monitored orgasm.

[dreams-of-kalopsia]

I performed my first ever CPR on a dummy this week! *u* I couldn’t stop grinning during the lecture and demo; I never expected I’d be putting to good use my research for this part in my WIP (which was based from this prompt list) one year later. XD Since I’m not sure I’ll ever finish it, might as well post this draft to commemorate a successful CPR return demo~

11. With a shuddering gasp

It’ll be fine, Mai.

“…Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty.”

You trained for this. Got certified specifically for this.

Head tilt-chin lift.

And the ambulance is en route.

Rescue breathing: first rescue breath. Naru’s chest rose. Second rescue breath.

“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. I threw a wish in the well. Don’t ask me I’ll never tell…” Mai hummed to keep the beat. “…Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty.”

Head tilt-chin lift.

First rescue breath. Second rescue breath.

She maintained the pacing, cycle after cycle.

Back when she was training to get certified for occupational first aid, her trainers had enumerated only three valid reasons to stop CPR: when the ambulance arrives, when the person wakes up, or when the first responder can no longer continue.

Mai heavily banked on either of the first two options because the third one was absolutely not an option right now.

Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty.

Head tilt-chin lift.

First rescue breath. Second rescue breath.

Naru had always had the perfect timing when fainting from using his PK on his own. Like during Chiaki-senpai’s case. Or the Yoshimi case. This time, his body—his heart and lungs, to be specific—chose to stop working in a traditional house on the outskirts of Kyoto. Unequipped with an automated external defibrillator. In the middle of rush hour.

Though she wanted to cry her frustration out, she’d really rather use that energy to revive. This. Idiot. Twenty-nine. Thirty.

And once he was revived…

What then?

Head tilt-chin lift.

First rescue breath. Second rescue breath.

Naru let out a shuddering gasp.

Everyone released the collective breath they’d been holding. While Lin-san kept Naru reclined on his side and Mai monitored him, the rest of SPR burst into action: Ayako called the nearest hospital for updates on the ambulance; Bou-san and John concluded the investigation; Masako and Yasu updated the clients of Naru’s status.

Mai observed him. His chest rose and fell in erratic rhythm, and his pulse tapped weakly against her finger. But a breath and a pulse—those were all she needed to be assured of his survival.

Adrenaline released its hold on her, and she allowed herself to slump sideward in exhaustion.

Lin-san started. “Taniyama-san!”

“I’m fine, Lin-san,” she said, her attention never straying from Naru. He was just a few inches from her now. So close.

As she stared at his pallid face, the silent question returned: Once Naru revived, what would she do?

His eyes fluttered open and gradually focused on hers.

“Naru.”

Once he revived…

I’ll spend the rest of my life by his side, even if that meant being his assistant forever.

She held his gaze, unheeding of the crescendo of sirens announcing the ambulance’s arrival.

Even if she couldn’t take his breath away, she damn well could return it to him.

[ladyonfire28]

An interview of Adèle in Cannes in 2017 for 120 battements par minute. 

A couple of people have asked me to translate it so I did it. Besides, what Adèle says about the violence that oppressed people experience and how it’s necessary to protest and be violent sometimes to be heard feels very relevant today...

0:01

Interviewer : “Hello Adèle Haenel - Hello - Happy to see you again for this very beautiful film 120 BPM. I was born in 1980 so I was little during the Act Up period but I watched it on TV and my mom would complain and say « another violent thing ». There was that bad reputation that didn’t correspond to the real purpose and activism of Act Up, which is something that I realized when I watched the film. And I wanted to know if you also had a bad image of it because of the media.”

Adèle : “Well first of all I think it’s very upsetting that we would call « violent » people that are oppressed. Because we can’t see the violence of the powerful people but it’s always there, through the barriers they’re putting. So it bothers me when we blame people who can only express themselves and be heard this way. So when we tell them « there’s other ways to say this ». Well no actually. Because there are things, if we just talk about it and we tell each other « see you in a month »  well in the meantime people are dying, and have their lives destroyed.”

“So the violence of Act Up is a symbolic violence. And yes we can discuss it and it’s discussed in general meetings, we see it in the film. But it’s a symbolic violence against real violence that is done to people that are dying without knowing from what. So it's completely legitimate. And same gores for other issues.”

*noise in the back ground*

“I’m just waiting for this to be over” 

“yes I hear”

“It’s not an ideal place”

“Not it’s not. But anyway, I think it’s also because of the way it’s received. It’s just like when we talk about strikes, we always say « ugh they’re on strike again » , but from what I see and think, 90% of the time strikes are justified. If people are striking, there’s a reason, their life conditions are getting worse. Going on strike is a commitment, it’s not just people saying « well let’s in bed, I don’t care I don’t wanna work, I’m lazy. » That’s what media try to send as a message, that people who are politically committed are either violent or lazy because they’re rail workers who don’t wanna go to work”

“But we’re talking about a social fight, it’s very important for things to be spelled out. Because this is also a weapon: to divide all the people who could unite because we have a common interest; 90% of people have a common interest. Of course there are differences inside the group but there’s a shared interest for more equality. And there’s an interest that is not shared at all but that exists and it’s to divide to dissipate all the energy : « they have more of that, you have less of that, he’s a lazy person » etc. Those adjectives are very annoying.” 

« So anyway, I think Act Up’s operating modes at the time were completely justified and thought through. It’s not a violence that is useless. And even if it was the case, it wouldn’t matter. »

3:20

“Do you think that bad image comes from an homophobia that was quite present in France at the time, and even today. When we see what happened with gay marriage here, it’s quite hard to understand those reactions when we come from Belgium.”

“I don’t know. Yeah probably. And it’s one of the things that Act Up use to say : « we’re not sorry for being there, we’re not asking you to allow us to be there, we are there already. » So voilà, and yes homophobia… I always saw this as a form of cowardice. For me, one of the reasons that could explain homophobia is the fact that homophobes get together to say « we are not like that ». It’s a pretty coward move because it’s hard to define yourself or to take charge of your life and to hide in values that aren’t even ours. Maybe some are really convinced but I think for most people it’s cowardice.”

4:30

“I learned a lot thanks to the film and I did a lot of research after because I was so interested by it. And the goal of Act Up wasn’t just to say « we have HIV, we’re here, use condoms », but it was also very concrete actions with laboratories, it’s justice.”

“Yeah and we see this in the film. Act Up’s actions were very important. There was this prudery that was very present at the time that lead to people saying « woohoo be careful we’re going to have HIV if we make love », it’s ridiculous when we thing about it. How public authorities resisted prevention campaigns just because of prudery. They ignored everything and it was a disaster. So Act Up’s actions were salutary, necessary. Maybe shocking. I’m not necessarily for shocking people, it’s not the only way to change things but at some point it’s important to get out of that masquerade, because people’s lives are at stake. Voilà.”

5:38

“I love the structure of the film. At first I was a bit lost I wondered if it was going to be just people talking for two hours, I wasn't sure how it was going to progress, but then I thought it was smart to take off and go to the most intimate, the most personal side of the story. And I wanted to know if on set if it was different for you to be in that group movement and then to get closer.”

« Well I wasn’t the focus, it was really on Nahuel and Arnaud who are the main actors. I lived it as a collective shooting. We’re always around 25 people when I have a scene so voilà. And it’s one of the strengths of the film. Its strength is that on the one hand, when we hear about the film we’re like « so I’ll be able to have my own opinion about Act Up, to know if I agree with their operating mode, their strategies, their politics » which is also interesting. But at some point the film, without using fake emotions, becomes a groundswell, it sweeps us and it becomes warm. And we go from the strategical policy to the policy that was experienced and to the political movement. And the political movement is a redefinition of the self, and the connection of the self to the group, and to accept that you're not all of yourself but that you're a little bit of other people. And there’s something that runs through us, and it’s more lively than being self centered : « this is mine, it’s my body, my house, it’s my thought, it’s me etc. » We’re trying to destroy that, and we can feel that in political movements and it's galvanizing for the youth still today. We can see this with the protests we had in Paris that we can call violent. We can feel the influence of that experience, it’s not just me and you, we’re together and we’re doing something that is not well perceived by people but it’s lively.

7:50

“Yes it’s a very lively movie. That’s what I felt first, even if there’s a lot of sadness in the end. There’s that desire to live, to go to the beach barefoot and to dance because we’re in Cannes *laugh*”

“Let’s go dance ! *laugh*  No but I agree. People would say that it’s a weeping film etc. but to me it’s really not the case. Because the film doesn’t say « look, it’s heartbreaking, we’re dying » . It’s true it’s heartbreaking and we’re dying, and we can’t stop ourselves from crying but we’re crying because we’re alive, we don’t cry because we say « oh what a surprise, someone dies » , we cry because life is full of possibilities and death is an end to that. So its talks about life and death. It’s not death like.. I don’t know if you see what I mean. It makes us want to live and to get out of those false pretenses, of those wasted times, of those fake causes and fakes ideas. With things that don’t belong to us, that enslave us, causes we serve but that are enslaving us because we didn’t really think this through. It's the order in us that's settled, and want to blow everything up, to live for real. And I think that’s a huge fucking work. To take responsibility for our life.”

9:19

“There’s a lot of dignity in this film, there’s no violin like in Philadelphia with Tom Hanks”

“No there’s not and I like the fact that there’s that unmasking thing in those collective scenes. We see a character being too hysterical but we really see them becoming hysterical, and we also see them calming down, we see everything. That’s what is so great, through unmasking each other all the time, we get to a real sincerity that couldn’t have been possible with a single voice. This is where the film is really generous, it’s not unequivocal, it doesn’t say « we think this » it says « this is how different voices have been woven around the same idea, around the same necessity. Yes, they were excessive but they were more or less aware of it, unable to get rid of it » etc. So we don’t ask the audience to just stick to one idea. And I love that.”

10:24

“I found the group scenes very impressive, I imagine that there was a lot of rehearsals because it’s impossible to have those immediate responses from everyone.”

“There were a lot of cameras. It’s the first time that I shot a film with three cameras. You’re talking about the scenes in the amphitheater right ? The majority of the films are amphitheater scenes, movement scenes and club scenes. I think, what was important was to meet each other and decide who would talk, because it's very written actually. And then what’s important was the architecture of the group, and that nobody would step on somebody else saying « wait I’m gonna try to shine more ». Because I think people would have noticed that. In the film everyone respected the place they had without any pretense. The relationships we had were real, and we got along well.”

11:27

“What do you want the audience to keep in mind after watching the film ?”

“That we really need to live, this is what I would say, voilà. And it’s not important to  keep objects the way we saw them, it's important when they settle and decompose. They become us, it’s not just an object anymore but becomes a small humus somewhere in our head. Voilà.”

“Well it’s great Adèle, thank you so much, you’re perfect”

[macgyvermedical]

Omg I know probably everyone has seen this by now but I just watched it for the first time and... it’s amazing. It is the most accurate to medical drama thing I have ever seen. I have watched it like 6 times now and I’m dying laughing.

So the non-med-people can enjoy this as much as I did:

“We have a 35 year old male- he was at the gym, he got hypertensive”

Hypertensive means high blood pressure. Most people at the gym are doing something strenuous and therefore have blood pressure that would be considered really, really high if they had it at rest. So unless this guy was having chest pain or a bad headache or confusion or some other symptom of hypertension that was causing damage, which in report they should have lead with, in other words... he’s totally fine.

“They were able to monitor everything on his apple watch” / “We’re just going to monitor everything right through the apple watch”

I know they’re referring to a very specific episode of a very specific show but I’m blanking right now on what it was (New Amsterdam, maybe?). Also the apple watch can monitor pulse, sense falls, and record a 1-lead EKG (with an app that can be downloaded separately) that can detect a heart rhythm called sinus rhythm (normal) and atrial fibrillation (generally not life threatening), but nothing else, meaning this does not explain literally anything they talk about in this video.

“He had a blood pulse that was really really high”

They’d just say something like “his heart rate was _____ bpm” which everyone in the room would know how to interpret. Also it’s just a pulse or heart rate, not a “blood pulse”.

“Can we go ahead and start fluids? Let’s go with Jevity 1.5 Cal” / “I’m just gonna run this straight through the IV pump”

Jevity 1.5 Cal is a type of tube feed (that has 1.5 calories per milliliter) that would go through a feeding tube. You cannot put this through an IV (it would kill the patient), and you can’t run it on an IV pump (none of the tubes or connectors can connect to each other as a safety feature... so you don’t accidentally run it through an IV and kill someone).

“We’re gonna need access to his cardiovascular system- I think I’m going to have to put in a peripheral IV right at the bedside since the ORs are busy.”

A peripheral IV is just what you think of as an IV. They’re almost always put in at the bedside (meaning they can be put in right in the patient’s room).

“Does someone want to call family and get consent?”

There’s no indication that this patient cannot give their own consent, and if he was unconscious and consent was implied (we assume you would want to be helped if you were in medical distress so bad you were unconscious), they wouldn’t waste time getting the family’s consent for something as small as an IV. Which was probably already put in by the paramedics on the way there.

“I’ll go ahead and get gowned up”

IVs are a “clean” but not “sterile” procedure, meaning that we don’t need to wear a gown for them (unless there’s another reason we should be wearing one, like contact precautions for infectious disease). Also he is wearing the gown backwards.

“I’m not seeing anything, he’s so hypertensive.”

HYPERtension (high blood pressure) generally does not make a difference in how difficult it is to find veins, in fact, it might make it a little easier. HYPOtension (low blood pressure) does make it harder to find veins to put IVs in.

“If I do this right there is going to be a flash”

A “flash” in the context of an IV start is a small amount of blood that pops into a window in the IV start device, which tells you the IV catheter is in the vein. It is not a literal flash of light. Little misinterpretations of things like this are everywhere in medical fiction.

“It is in the femoral artery, we now have access to his cardiovascular system”

The femoral artery is in the leg and it is not something you put a peripheral IV in. A central line maybe, but that actually would be done in an OR as a sterile procedure.

“The bladder scanner’s reading 0, we need to go ahead and place a foley”

A bladder scanner is used to determine if a patient is keeping urine in their bladder even after they urinate. A reading of 0 is ideal because that means there is no urine in the bladder. You would not place a foley (a catheter that goes in the bladder and continuously drains urine out) for this patient, because they’re voiding fine on their own. Medical dramas misinterpret test results like this all the time, or use tests that don’t make sense (like this guy’s bladder scan for hypertension).

*hooks up foley to suction*

Urine drains out of foleys to gravity, it does not need to be hooked up to suction. When you’re watching medical dramas they do a lot of “hook it up wherever, the audience won’t know the difference” which is what they’re poking fun at here.

“Patient’s still in tachycardia, I need to go ahead and begin mild compressions”

Tachycardia just means a heart rate above 100 (or 120 depending on your hospital). The only thing you’d do for this (assuming sinus tach) is figure out what’s causing it (dehydration, anxiety, pain, fever, etc...) and correct that. If it’s something called supraventricular tachycardia, you might give a drug called adenosine or try having the patient bear down, but you would never start compressions for tachycardia unless the patient’s heart was beating so fast they lost a pulse. And there’s no such thing as “mild compressions”- it’s compressions or no compressions. There’s nothing in between.

“This is Blake on 4b, we’re calling a supercode.”

The term “megacode” is sometimes used (especially in training) to refer to a code where you’re using the whole algorithm for a cardiac arrest to work the patient. There is nothing called a “supercode”, though a lot of times they’ll say random words with Code attached to sound medical in medical dramas but that don’t mean anything.

“We just got an alert he’s in V-fib, we can stop compressions”

V-fib, or ventricular fibrillation, is a pulseless rhythm, and that’s when you would START compressions typically. Also, an apple watch cannot sense v-fib.

“The patient’s desatting- he’s not tolerating room air oxygenation”

This would actually be said “the patient’s desatting (the percentage of the patient’s hemoglobin molecules that have oxygen attached to them are dropping), he’s not tolerating room air” So there’s just a few extra words here that make the character look like he’s never been in a hospital before.

“I think we need to go ahead and intubate with a bag mask”

Intubation (putting a tube down a person’s throat to deliver air/O2 directly into their lungs) is a different thing than oxygenating with a bag valve mask (basically just pushing air into the patient’s lungs without a tube). Then he goes ahead and puts a non-rebreather (type of oxygen mask that doesn’t have anything to do with either of the two things he just mentioned) on the patient upside down. He then hooks the oxygen tubing up to the same suction he attached the foley to earlier.

“The bag’s not inflating all the way- I think I’m going to have to go in manually”

Squeezing the bag on a non-rebreather does nothing useful. Swearsies.

“Good news- his oxygen is coming down and his BP’s going up”

He’s here for... hypertension, right? Like, we want the opposite of that to happen.

*on the phone with x-ray* “The blood in his body is going clockwise???”

This is both not a result you can get, and also not a result you’d get from x-ray anyway, which is something that happens all the time in medical fiction. Random results that don’t make sense from departments they wouldn’t have come from.

“Team- everything we learned in school- throw it out the window, we’ve gotta save this guy!”

No one is that dramatic irl. You’d get laughed out of the room.

“His potassium level is 10.8- we’re gonna go ahead and we’re gonna need more potassium!”

10.8 is an absurdly lethally high amount of potassium. No wonder that guy is in v-fib. You would not put more potassium in this guy. You would be getting the insulin and D50 out of the Pyxis (med machine) and frantically paging anyone with an MD or DO after their name for an order to give it to bring the potassium down.

“Someone get me a banana” *spikes the banana like it’s an IV bag* “I know they didn’t teach us this in school, but it’s all we have”

I feel like that’s referencing the scene in Off the Map where they spike the coconut. Which, turns out, actually a thing. Unlike the banana.

Also they’re in a hospital. There are many forms of potassium in a hospital, which is a misconception you also see a lot in medical fiction- improvisation when it’s completely unnecessary.

“Sir, this may burn a little bit”

Oh, hey, something they got right! Potassium does burn given IV! Just like in medical fiction, they’ll get one little thing bizzarly correct in the midst of all that.

“The apple watch is dying! Does anyone have a charger??”

Another moment of “we definitely don’t need to be improvising this... we’re in a hospital” which I could totally see them doing in a medical drama.

“I think we have to open up his airway- we need an incentive spirometer chest tube”

Like when they were talking about intubating him with the “bag mask” he’s talking about two completely different things. A chest tube is a tube that goes into the chest and drains air or fluid so the lungs can expand fully. An incentive spirometer is a device used to encourage deep breathing in patients (which prevents fluid from building up in the lungs). What’s shown in the video is an incentive spirometer that’s apparently been hooked up to the chest tube. Which is another excellent misinterpretation that I could totally see being made from google research.

“I’m going to go ahead and check for PERRLA” *looks in mouth*

PERRLA is an acronym for an assessment of the pupils and how they react to light and accommodate distance. While you might want to check it in a code, you would not look in the mouth...

“We can cancel the supercode, also there’s no need for the MRSA nasal swab”

In the context of transferring him to the floor instead of the ICU, you genuinely wouldn’t do the nasal swab for MRSA (more necessary in an ICU setting, and many ICUs require one (and put anyone who comes up positive in isolation) to prevent spread of antibiotic resistant infection). HOWEVER, this is another thing that hospital shows do where they misunderstand the importance of certain things, or what would be deliberately ordered versus be a part of a routine order set that wouldn’t even really get mentioned. Like the MRSA swab for the ICU.

Nurse Blake really hit the nail on the head with this. I love it to pieces!

[thexfridax]

Translated interview

Viennale Star Adèle Haenel: ‘Equality is sexy’

Wolfgang Huber-Lang/APA, in: Salzburger Nachrichten, 25th of October 2019

Adèle Haenel (30, Paris), who is a protagonist in the opening film ‘Portrait of a Lady on Fire’, was the star guest at yesterday’s Viennale. She is also starring in Pierre Salvadori’s comedy ‘The Trouble with You’, which will be released in cinemas [T: across Austria] from the 8th of November. The talk about film, theatre, lies and clichés alternates between German, English and French.

Additions or clarifications for translating purposes are denoted as [T: …].

Interviewer: Ms Haenel, the opening of the Viennale, which was dominated by women, seems to have been the perfect environment for your film?

Adèle Haenel: Indeed, I actually hadn’t noticed: There were really just women, who held speeches. That’s not often the case. Super! It was a really lovely atmosphere. The audience apparently liked the film [T: … they didn’t like it, they loved it 😜]. I don’t like red carpet events too much, but it was quite charming here, it is a festival for the public and people even dress up for this evening.

I: In ‘Portrait’, men only play tiny secondary roles. Is the film also making a political statement? There is also a heated debate about gender equality in the film business.

AH: It is a good experience that men are not centre stage for once. The film centres around lesbian lovers and is not making a political statement at first glance. But there is the opportunity to show something that may have been neglected so far. Why was something like this not told before? After all, it is about half of the population. Equality is sexy, consent is sexy. What can we do with this? The political is derived from cinematic questions. But essentially, it is about emotions that are slowly developing. The film builds the love story on different levels: Desire, intellectual exchange, friendship. These give rise to what we call love. That is the heart of the film.

I: [T: In Austria,] you are known for films like ‘The Unknown Girl’ from the Dardenne Brothers or the Anti-AIDS-drama ‘120 BPM’ from Robin Campillo. But ‘Portrait’ takes place around 1770. Is a period film another challenge?

AH: I have already made three films that took place in the 18th century. It doesn’t really make a difference for me. I think that ‘Portrait’ is closer to ‘Water Lilies’ (Céline Sciamma’s film, which was Haenel’s breakthrough in 2007) than to other period films. But I like costumes, because they make it necessary to reinvent yourself. They not only change the way you move, but also how you speak.

I: ‘En Liberté!’ will shortly be released here with the weird [T: German] title ‘Lieber Antoine als gar keinen Ärger’ [T: literally – Better to have Antoine than no trouble]. This film seems to be completely different from ‘Portrait’.

AH: That’s true, but it was also a remarkable experience. I learned a lot while shooting ‘En Liberté!’ – for example, how to bust clichés. When you’re doing a comedy, you really have to pay attention to the rhythm, and what is underneath. I believe, being aware about the conflict between what you say and what you mean has helped me perform the subtext in ‘Portrait’ later on. Although [T: these films] are quite different, there is a continuity for me. I love this film.

I: You play a [T: lieutenant]?

AH: It is about lies and people who try to survive their own lies. It is about a mafia-like structure and about guilt. The film is very funny – and very successful in France.

I: In Cannes, you were not only featured with ‘Portrait’, but also with ‘Les héros ne meurent jamais’ [T: Heroes don’t die], a combination of fiction and documentary about the war in Bosnia. Your range is broad. What is the kind of screenplay that sparks your interest?

AH: With ‘En Liberté!’, I knew intuitively that I wanted to do the film, even before I read the script. But I often try to figure out if there’s something behind the story that is left unsaid. In ‘Les héros ne meurent jamais’, there was also a connection between reality and fiction, a need to invent something and to tell stories that particularly interested me. This is something I truly love.

I: You also play theatre. But your current project with Gisèle Vienne on Robert Walser was postponed.

AH: Yes, until next year. Maybe it will also come to Austria. I love to act, but not the stuff around it. For me, it is about exploration, that is even more prominent in theatre than in film. I did a lot of theatre when I was a child. Then I stopped and started again in 2012 with ‘The Seagull’. Since then, I did more theatre. I love it. I think, Céline (Sciamma) is one of the most important contemporary female directors, and Gisèle is the same for theatre. I believe what we do with her is exploring movement, emotions and time. But for that you also need time – and I take it.

I: Finally, about your Austrian roots: Your father is from Graz?

AH: Yes, but he left when he was young. He has lived in France since 1968, I believe, and he doesn’t have the Austrian citizenship anymore, as you cannot have both. I sometimes went on vacation in Styria when I was a child. We primarily spoke French during my childhood. When we were young, he still spoke German with us, but we stopped pretty quickly. I only started [T: to speak German] again when I did the film ‘The Bloom of Yesterday’ with Chris Kraus. It was quite exhausting, but also funny how quickly my German came back.

I: You also received the ‘Prix Romy Schneider’.

AH: Indeed, but I didn’t really grow up with her films. I watched anime or films with [T: Jean-Paul] Belmondo as a child. I wasn’t a cinephile. That is why I didn’t think of Romy Schneider, when I started to act. I really didn’t have any actors/actresses as role model. I wanted to act not become a film star.

I: The new [T: controversial] Nobel laureate in literature, Peter Handke, has lived in Paris for a long time. Have you read anything by him?

AH: I remember for example a passage from ‘Über die Dörfer’ [T: literally – ‘About the villages’], where it says: Forget about your family and learn to love what is foreign… [T: das Fremde is difficult to translate, it’s the opposite of home] But I don’t have a strong connection with his works. I feel more connected with Elfriede Jelinek or Thomas Bernhard.

[T: Omitted short bio]

Picture sources: [1], [2-3], [4], [5], [6], [7]

@empressofkalumina​​ uploaded a video of Adèle’s opening speech here, and has you covered with more pictures here.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans Are Space Orcs, “The Parasite.”

Get ready for some more angst in the current arc my friends :) 

The light in the medical bay was dim tinted blue. All of the patients were asleep, the curtains were drawn. Light glinted gently on the metal implements, metal tables,

And the metal exoskeleton riveted to the Commander’s back 

Dr. Krill, Sunny and the ex admiral stood over hospital bed staring down at the figure who lay, unmoving, face down against the sheets. He looked eerie, almost ghostlike in the blue light 

“Perhaps you…. Made a mistake.”

“I don’t make mistakes.”

Sunny ignored the two and their conversation stepping up to the edge of the bed and placing her hand against his shoulder. It felt wrong, metal pressing against her hand, a poor substitute for real human warmth. His skin, blue in the overhead light was cold and damp with sweat. Where the spine of the machine was riveted onto his back, she could see rings of inflamed skin puckering up around the casings.

The machine bore down on him, like a parasitic infection sinking it’s way into his body, an alien monster intent on consuming him from the outside working in. In contrast to his pallid skin, the creature was a black mass of metal bone and silver joints.

“Shouldn’t he have woken up by now?” Someone wondered 

“Maybe it's best ...if he doesn't.”

Sunny turned, glowering down at the ex admiral golden eyes smoldering with anger. He closed his mouth and looked away shuffling his feet against the ground.

“You might want to at least block him off from the rest of the room. If he wakes up… well…. We don’t want the other patients to wake up to that.” 

That was at least a fair point, no matter how much Sunny didn’t want to admit it, so she stayed silent allowing them to do their work, as they grabbed the bed, and rolled it out of the room over to the next, vacant ward.

He still did not move, though his pulse was steady.

She sat with the others in silence listening to the beating of the heart monitor, and the quiet whirring over the ship’s overhead ventilation.

The doors at the far end of the room hissed open once or twice to allow in one of the bridge crew giving reports about the battle below.

It seemed as if the suggestions from the advisement team were correct. With conn’s help, they had managed to wheedle their way into the heads of their enemy, an enemy that knew full well it could win, with one single massive charge. They had made their base too close to the Gromm home city for overhead airships to intervene with the impending attack without destroying thousands of the Gromm and their own men in the process.

The more and more they looked, the more and more the commander’s decision seemed to make sense.

Of course there were other exo suits on the market, they were used for heavy infantry and for industrial work in factories carrying large objects.However,  The difference was in the wiring, the Steel eye suit was hooked straight onto the spine and nerve endings where other suits only responded to the muscular contractions of the wearer making them bulky, and slow, with a delay time that didn’t allow them for more than big sweeping motions during a battle.

The steel eye suit, not only enhances one’s strength and speed, but it did it on command amplifying the speed until the subject was more than a man and less than human.

Since operation steel eye became known to the scientific community, no one had attempted similar technology since.

And that is why they were here.

Because that suit could be their one salvation.

Sunny was just beginning to drift off to sleep carried downwards on the wings of exhaustion and her own disquieted thoughts  when something pulled her up from the dredges of her own exhaustion. 

She opened one eye.

Something about the room had changed, but she couldn’t tell what at first.

Everything looked the same. Dr. Krill bustling through the doors on a return visit from his other patients. The Admiral nodding off  where he lay on one of the vacant beds. One or two orderlies working to clean up the room to nervous for sleep and waiting on Dr. Krill to release them from their duties.

The overhead fan still whirred softly. A sink turned on and then off.

And the beeping…

Wait?

Hadn’t it been slower before?

Sunny stood from her chair walking over to stand next to Adam where she could see the heart monitor.

57 bpm.

Hmm it had been around there last time, Hadn’t it.

She glanced down at Adam’s sleeping face pressed down against the sheets eyes closed hands resting to his sides.

She glanced back up.

60 bpm

She glanced over at Krill calling his name nervously as she turned to look. The others, hearing the strain in her voice stood to follow, looking over her shoulder.

66 bpm

Krill was close by now checking Adam’s vitals.

Sunny knelt by his side, “Adam, Adam, can you hear me.” At the end of the room, the door hissed open, and she turned around to find Conn floating up behind them looking none the worse for ware despite having spent most of the past day gliding about in the vacuum of space. However, as soon as he stepped through the door, he stopped.

71 bpm 

His face contorted into an expression the likes of which Sunny had never seen on a creature before,  Immediately turning to flee the room with a silent scream on his face.

Sunny turned back to adam 

75

83

90

100

105

“Krill!”

Sunny was bent down her hand on Adam’s hand staring at his face, “Adam, Can you hear me?”

120

“Krill!”

130

The eye snapped open. 

Sunny watch in almost paralyzed horror as the bleery murk of confusion morphed rapidly, the small black pinpoint expanding suddenly as the eye widened, and his face screwed up into an expression that would plague her for many years after in the darkness of her own guilty conscience .

And then, he screamed.

Sunny had never heard a creature make a sound like that before, a raw outpouring of emotion that tore through the very fabric of the room shattering the silence into a thousand razor pieces.

His face spasmed, followed by his body, and even as his body moved the machine clicked with him whirring to life with a chattering hiss, like the mandibles of a clattering monster. His back arched and the machine responded throwing his head violently backwards seizing his arms to his chest and his hands into talons. He jerked onto his back so fast, and so powerful that it snapped the railing of the bed in half.

“Adam!”

He was on his back now and his spine arched again so violently that it seemed as if he would snap in half, only his head and legs touching the bed. 

“HOLD HIM DOWN!”

Sunny reached out grabbing him by the arms and hips trying to pin him down.

The machine hissed angrily as he screamed again shattering her eardrums, making her head ring. 

She was thrown about like a ragdoll slamming into the machines, tearing leads and forcing an explosion of unopened packages across the floor. 

“GET A NERVE BLOCK!” 

Sunny had him around the middle now trying to control him as his body jerked and spasmed against her. The machine clicked and hissed metal squealing. One of the orderlies was thrown backwards crashing into a table and falling violently to the floor.

Another darted in, and suddenly it stopped.

His body locked up, his eyes, still wide and wild darted back and forth between them though his body was frozen into a contorted abortion of human flesh and machine. Sunny, who had once vowed she would never weep again, found herself on her knees next to him, holding his clawed hand and shaking violently.

She thought she was going to be sick.

“What have I done,” Krill was saying, “I should never have gone through with this. I should have knocked you out and set you across the known galaxy goddammit!” Overhead the blue lights pulsed and flickered, something having smashed it during the row. The orderly lay bleeding on the floor.

Sunny didn’t even feel her own injuries.

“We are taking that thing off. Immediately. You, tend to James, the rest of you get back into the surgical suite and start preparing a room.”

“No.” 

The command came as a rasp, so quiet it could barely be heard but strong enough that it was just able to penetrate the silence.

They turned.

Adam lay on his back, lips half parted, body frozen under the nerve block, though his jaw could still move minutely, “No.” He said again.

“Adam… please.”

Sunny was openly weeping now, not in the way humans did of course.

“If…. you don’t listen to me…. I will never… forgive you.” His voice was distant fading in and out.

Krill straightened up lifting his chin high. The Vrul were difficult to read when it came to emotions, but the light quivering of his mouth was almost equivalent to sobbs for the little creature. His voice was quiet, “I would rather do than unforgivable than to watch this a moment longer.”  He turned away, “Get the suite prepped.”

There was a slight creaking noise from behind sunny, and then a light pop. She turned just in time to watch the flexion of 100 + pounds of titanium and steel alloy snapping the delicate plastic casing of the nerve block and sending it ricocheting across the room. Adam’s hands balled into fists against the bed frame. Plastic snapped and metal bent.

The man’s teeth were gritted so tight it looked as if they would shatter. 

His eyes were closed.

“Please, Adam, no.”

The entire room watched in horrified silence as he sat there trembling against what must have been excruciating pain.

“I… Can ...control… it.” he hissed through his clenched teeth.

Krill rung all four of his hands in agitation, “Adam, you can’t fight like this.”

“I can.” His voice was hoarse his breathing came in shallow gasps dry, tearless sobs against the pain.

The ex admiral remained silent, “there is one way.” 

They all turned to look at him, and he turned his head to the still open crate, and the last remaining piece of equipment inside.

“No drugs.” Adam spat 

“You won’t be able to walk without them.” The man said quietly

“Nerve…. Block.” He moaned 

Someone scrambled to find another, and once it was on the man relaxed marginally and through a paralyzed jaw was able to say, “Prepare a strike team, we go in quick, and fast, all the delta units we have…. Me…. at the front. I will be…. Fast enough…. To hold them off ...” Eve with the nerve block his body was shaking. His speech was barely intelligible.

“No.” Krill said emphatically

“You can’t stop me….. So you either…. Help me…. Or you get out of my way”

Sunny didn’t know what to say. There was nothing she could say at this moment that would take away the immense amount of pain. She didn’t know that your very being could hurt, but she was figuring it out now.

She had only broken for one minute, but that one minute had been enough to tell her all she needed to know.

“Get me down there, now.”

*** She wasn’t entirely sure why none of them had stopped him. She was sure there were ways though she couldn't think of any, now, there she was in the back of the shuttle cradled in darkness as they headed towards battle. 

ONce upon a time she would have been gleeful for the chance.

But now, she felt only nothingness.

Adam lay on his back beside her eyes closed mouth moving slowly as if speaking to himself, but perhaps counting the minutes trying to keep his mind away from the pain..

She couldn't bear to watch it.

So instead she walked over, slowly dragging him into her arms, the lower around his waist, and the upper around his chest. His body rested heavily against hers, metal pressing into her skin.

His head lolled against her throat, just under her chin. His skin was hot and damp, his hair a matted mess. His breath came hot and fast against the underside of her jaw. She held him closer, hoping, somehow this would help.

Help him, help her, she didn’t know.

But hopefully it would help someone 

[reallyrainytiger]

The Good Patient Part 2: Kayla & Amaya

There was a knock at the front door. Kayla was back — and she brought a friend. Kayla was as beautiful as ever; Her denim short-shorts, maroon crop-top and her blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her friend was equally as gorgeous. Curves in all the right places, brunette hair falling down just past her shoulders. The black yoga pants complimented her figure nicely, and it seems like Kayla gave her the crop-top memo, hers a bright yellow. She was quite a bit taller than Kayla — 6’1”, maybe 6’2”.

“This is Amaya,” she said. I extended my hand.

“Ah, Amaya — ‘Night Rain’, am I right?” She tilted her head in surprise and shook my hand.

“You know your name origins, Mr…”

“No need for the Mr.,” I said with a chuckle. I found her light Hispanic accent quite attractive. “The real name’s Lorenzo, but most people just call me Enzo.” I stepped aside and ushered them in. “Come on in, ladies.” We made our way through the kitchen and into the living room. I motioned for them to have a seat on the beige couch while I went over and turned on the electric fireplace.

“So I assume Kayla told you about our last…meeting,” I asked as I sat on the tan loveseat across from them. Amaya nodded.

“She did — I find it fascinating. And umm…” she paused.

“What? I asked. She sheepishly looked over at Kayla before turning her attention back to me.

“I’m kind of into it, too.” There was a slight look of surprise on Kayla’s face, and I’d assume intrigue on mine. Kayla turned her head toward Amaya.

“Really? How come you never told —”

“I was afraid you’d think I was weird. Like it’s not the kind of thing people say they’re into, you know?”

“Well I like it, Kayla replied, leaning in and giving Amaya a kiss on the cheek. I was taken aback for a second, to which Kayla quickly explained.

“Amaya’s my girlfriend — I hope that’s not weird.” I smiled.

“Not weird at all,” I replied. “Shall we get started?” They both looked at each other and nodded. I opened the drawer of the end table and pulled out the navy-tubed Littmann that Kayla was familiar with. She smiled — and Amaya’s eyes lit up with excitement.

Kayla was up first. I rubbed the diaphragm against my palm to warm it up before pressing it against her chest. I placed my hand on her bare shoulder and she looked up at me.

Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.

Her heart maintained a steady, slow rhythm. I moved the stethoscope around her chest, exploring the different points of her heart. Amaya watched us with a smile on her face. When I took the diaphragm off of Kayla’s chest, Amaya bit her bottom lip.

I moved over to her, placing my hand on her shoulder just as I had done with Kayla. Because she was new, I had to ask.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?” She looked up at me, smiled and nodded. When I pressed the diaphragm over her left breast, I could feel my eyes widen a bit.

Tha-thump Tha-thump Tha-thump Tha-thump Tha-thump Tha-thump Tha-thump

Her heart was beating quite fast, 120 BPM at least. I know she said she was into it, but I didn’t expect this. When I looked at her face, she was biting her bottom lip and smiling. Every time I moved the diaphragm, I could feel it pound a bit harder beneath my fingers. The second I slipped it under her shirt right in the center of her sternum just below her breasts, it broke out into a full gallop. If it wasn’t at 160 BPM I’d be surprised.

I pulled the diaphragm out from under Amaya’s shirt and took the earpieces out.

“You weren’t kidding,” I said with a slight chuckle. I extended the stethoscope to Kayla. “You need to hear this.” She hesitantly took the stethoscope from my hands and put the earpieces in. I took the diaphragm and put it back on Amaya’s chest. Kayla’s eyes went wide. Amaya smiled.

“If you want,” she began, “I can make yours go fast too.” Intrigued, Kayla took the earpieces out and handed the stethoscope to Amaya, who promptly put the earpieces in. She leaned in and kissed Kayla softly at first, slowly pressing harder until they were totally making out. That lasted for about thirty seconds before Amaya pulled away, putting the earpieces in. She pressed it to Kayla’s chest and you could even see it bouncing rapidly on her breast.

“There it is,” Amaya said. “But it’s not fast enough…” She grabbed the hem of Kayla’s shirt and pulled it off. She slowly caressed Kayla’s shoulder, moving down her arm. Faster and faster still as she stroked Kayla’s bare thighs. Once her hand reached the torso, Kayla’s heart was beating an easy 140 BPM. Amaya pressed her hand right between Kayla’s breasts, feeling the rapid pounding against the palm of her hand.

“You are so…amazing,” Amaya said breathlessly before kissing her again. Her hand on Kayla’s upper back, she undid the hook of her bra, tossing it to the floor before slowly lowering her onto the couch. It wasn’t long before Amaya did the same.

Honestly, I was just glad they were both enjoying it. I sat in the chair, simply observing.

After all was said and done, Amaya climbed off of Kayla and began putting her panties back on.

“Enzo?” she asked. I glanced into her eyes.

“Yes?” Amaya smiled, walked over to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

“Kayla may be able to get you more patients…but I was wondering if you needed a nurse to help your patients get...ready.”  

[sarahhlauren]

Okay. Here we go. I’m really not sure where to start so I guess I’ll start from the beginning of all this madness. It was May 18, 2019. My mom’s birthday. I headed to work in the afternoon. I always closed on Sunday nights. My favorite bartender was working. We had spent the night making stupid jokes and making each other laugh until the last customer walked out the door. I closed at work like I usually did, not trying to stay too late because it was a school night. Monday morning comes, I wake up and for the first time, my body was not mine. It was not my own skin, it was not my own legs, my own hands. I couldn’t tell you what my face looked like because it was maybe 2 weeks until I could look at myself in the mirror. But, the world did not stop. There was work to be done, right? I had my first therapy session at 9 am, because prior, I had been dealing with severe depression, a final at 11, and my last final at 2. I had to focus on doing well and finishing out the semester, putting aside the fact that I felt like a ghost in my own body and mind. For the record, I got a 4.0 that semester, for the first time ever in college.

So it's late afternoon, I made it through my finals. I text my best friend, saying I need to come over and talk. As soon as I laid on her bed, I burst into tears as it took everything in me to say the words, “He raped me.” Even now, a year later, I hate that. It will never not make my stomach hurt. Within an hour, I was talking to three police officers, going over the incident in disgusting detail over, and over, and over again. Being asked questions a young woman should never have to be asked, especially by three young male officers. A few hours later, I was at the hospital. I went through the entire questioning process again from the nurse. A few moments later, I found myself standing there, naked. Being photographed, touched by a stranger, poked and prodded. I will never forget the posters of puppies with silly hats they have on the ceiling, as if that’s supposed to distract you from the flashes of the camera as you lay with your legs in the air. She forgot to mention that the hospital’s Plan B would have me in bed for 2 days. It felt like my insides were being scraped out with a rusty fork.

A few days later I eventually came home, and my mom was eager. She knew something was wrong but wanted to let me tell her on my own terms. The look in her face as tears streamed down her face fills me with so much anger I could punch something. That she had to hear those words and understand the gravity of the situation, and that I was pursuing legal action.

It was exactly one week after I saw him again. Not only did I see him, but I worked with him. Not just this one night, but for months. Because the investigation was active, I couldn’t say anything to my managers. This was the hardest part. For weeks, to act like everything was normal. To act like I wasn’t having multiple panic attacks throughout my shift. To act like I wasn’t getting alerts on my apple watch that my heart rate was pushing 120 bpm for hours. To act like I wasn’t in the presence of my rapist, as he was still approaching me. To act like I was listening to customers talk, when I was blacked out. If I didn’t act like things were normal, it could jeopardize the investigation. I am fully aware that some people may be questioning my actions. I don’t feel I have to defend myself to anyone. It was an impossible and unimaginable situation. I did the best that I could at the time, and I am so proud of myself for it. I chose to not take the easy way out. I chose to not quit my job. I chose to fight.

About early June, I was finally able to tell my GM what happened. I told them, “I do not feel comfortable working with him, ever again.” The very next shift, a few days later, my GM told me he was working that night and asked if I would “be okay.” What was I supposed to say? If I said no, I would get sent home, and in my mind at the time, that was letting him win. He took so much from me and I refused to let him take any more. So I worked with him that night, and for months. Being retraumatized over and over and over again. It wasn’t until months later that I could see how toxic that environment was for me. In the moment, I truly thought that I could just tough it out and I would be okay. I couldn’t see how much worse those months made my PTSD. Solidifying dozens of triggers, some still unknown to me until I face them.

About 5 months pass by, no news on the investigation. I had heard nothing from the investigator. These months were such a cycle of torture. My job wouldn’t do anything about him without a police report, and the police weren’t giving any updates. Nothing was moving. Meanwhile I am working with him a few days a week, retraumatizing my brain and body dozens of times over.

Trauma, anxiety and depression are really weird. Yes you have the common symptoms of lethargy, no motivation, sleep or appetite issues, but I feel like nobody talks about the blackouts and the memory loss. I have such little memory except for anything trauma related for those first few months. I can tell you every little detail about the following days, and weeks related to the incident. I can tell you what kind of car he has, his license plate, the exact parking spot that he parked his car in. I can tell you exactly what time he drove to work, which days he worked. I checked his schedule every week so I had time to mentally prepare myself to work with him on a given night. Do I remember my college visits? Not really. Do I remember anything I did that summer? No, unless I look back at photos. The memory loss is real, and it's weird.

Finally, my job transferred him to a different store. I felt a sense of freedom. Freedom to turn around at work without fear that he was looking at me. Freedom to walk to my car at night without a manager’s escort. Freedom to feel comfortable again, or at least try to.

Around mid-October, I met with the investigators again about the progress of the case. This time, it was two women investigators and I in a small room in the Sex Crimes Investigation Department in Orange County. It felt like they were on my side, or at least they were supposed to be. I didn’t anticipate being thoroughly questioned again. The same intrusive questions felt different coming from a woman, almost worse in a way. We got to the point where the investigators told me straight up, “it's your word against his, we have no proof of his guilt and without it, can’t move forward.” That was it. It was over. There was nothing I could do.

I did my best to move on, whatever the heck that means. There’s a lot I could say about my healing process, that is still very much going on and will be for a while. I’ll try to keep it limited. The most important thing I want to say about it, is that it is not linear. From May-August I thought I was fine, I was in denial. Then, someday it hit me and I understood the situation on a different level. One of the things I learned is how depression can impact memory. I have little memory of that summer, outside of events and emotions related to my assault. Each day brings something different. Similar to grief, some days are better than others. Triggers that once upset me, no longer upset me. Triggers I didn’t know existed last August, send me into a panic now. I still live in constant fear of seeing him, knowing that he is out there, living his life. Working through PTSD on top of preexisting mental health conditions was more than I ever could have imagined. It’s hard, it sucks and I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. I don’t have much else to say about that right now.

One of the most interesting concepts I read about in a book about trauma is called “learned helplessness”. I remember learning about this maybe junior or senior year in psychology class, but it never stuck until it applied to me. “Learned helplessness, in psychology, a mental state in which an organism forced to bear aversive stimuli, or stimuli that are painful or otherwise unpleasant, becomes unable or unwilling to avoid subsequent encounters with those stimuli, even if they are “escapable,” presumably because it has learned that it cannot control the situation.” Essentially, it explains why traumatized individuals tend to stay in the environments or climates that harbor the trauma. For me, it helps to explain why I stayed at work instead of quitting.

At the risk of sounding cliche, I would not be where I am today without the support system that I have. I am grateful every single day for my family and loved ones who support me unconditionally and have been with me at any point in this process.

I want to recognize how lucky I am, because I truly am. I am lucky to have been in a position where I could go to the police for help (regardless of the outcome), because many victims do not have that luxury. I am lucky to have had access to medical care. I am lucky to have continuous access to mental health professionals. I am lucky to have friends and family who believe me, who never questioned me. I am lucky that it wasn’t worse than it was. I am lucky to be alive, because not everyone is as lucky as I am.

I have a lot of reasons as to why I wanted to share my story. I want to make very clear that pity and attention are neither of my reasons. One of the main ones, is that I want to contribute the conversation about sexual assault and sexual violence. A big part of what motivated me to pursue legal action was the thought of me not being his last victim. Almost immediately I felt a sense of responsibility. Responsibility to do something about this, because again, I am lucky enough to have access to resources to do so. I hope this can spark conversations about the necessity of affirmative and continuous consent, regardless of circumstances.

Another big reason is to highlight the series of injustices throughout this process that have nothing to do with my rapist. I will not name names, however many of you will know the people that I am talking about. In no way am I attempting to slander them, I aim to simply draw attention to where I felt they failed me. I just want everyone to do better. To try harder. To do the right thing, regardless of company policy or whatever hardship it might bring them.

The first one, I believe was on behalf of the police. I understand the need to secure the privacy of the investigation, but they told me to “go back to work and act like everything is normal.” This was, and is wrong. I felt like I had to, because the police told me, and I’m supposed to trust them, right? Wrong. I feel they could have come up with a better solution, providing me more support than that.

The second one, would be by SO many people within the company that I worked for. My GM, the senior HR manager, and the 2 regional managers who were aware of the situation. All of them had the ability to not only relocate him, but fire him at the snap of their fingers, but they didn’t. I have my thoughts on why they didn’t, and all of them put my wellbeing at the bottom of the pile. The senior HR manager called me every so often to check in, and see how I was doing. It was made very clear that he didn’t give a shit about me and this was just a routine part of his job when he told me over the phone, “Thank goodness I don’t have a daughter, only sons.” This HR manager ultimately ended up telling my rapist the police were involved, which is very much illegal for a few reasons, and is ultimately responsible for ruining the investigation.

The third one was the investigator within the Special Victims Unit assigned to my case. Take this one with a grain of salt. I don’t know if I just got a subpar investigator or this is how they all are, but Olivia Benson would put them to shame. Without going into too much detail, I never felt heard. I felt like they couldn’t wait to get this case out of the way and never put in any real effort.

I would absolutely be lying if I said that I didn’t have any anger. I am so angry. I am fucking angry that this happened. I am so angry at all the ‘adults’ that I went to for help, and didn’t receive it. I am angry that I’m not the first girl that he’s done this to. I’m angry that I can’t prove it. I’m angry that in a court of law it’s his word against mine. I’m angry that he admitted he heard me say no, but it was the one time I didn’t put my phone in my pocket and take a voice recording. I am angry that a year later, I am still suffering every single day. I still have nightmares. I still have panic attacks. I still think about it every damn day. I am angry that he gets to live his life as he wishes. I am angry that I am filled with petrifying fear that it will happen again. I am angry that I’ve spent months, now a year, in therapy talking about him. I am angry that I am angry!!

20% of women will experience rape in their lifetime, and 1 out of every 10 rape victims is male. This is real and it happens. It happened to me. But it didn't have to. And it doesn’t have to keep happening. We all hold the power to make it stop. Start the conversations. Don’t laugh at jokes about sexual assault, because it’s not funny. Correct your friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and neighbors when they make jokes that contribute to rape culture. Stop supporting that behavior. If you see something, DO SOMETHING. Be the one to stop it. Be the one to step in. Be the difference. Break the cycle, do better, be better.

Again, thank you to all of those who have stuck by my side at any point in my journey. I appreciate you all more than you know and I love you all so much more than my words can possibly express.

Thank you, and you know who you are, for showing me what it’s like to be respected, to be loved. That it's possible to be comfortable in my own skin. To let your light shine through to the darkness that existed within me. To show me how strong I am, what I am capable of, and what I am worth. I am forever grateful for you and your grace.

For those of you who aren’t as fortunate, I am here. I am here to listen, to confide in, to help, to advocate, to love, to protect you. I am here for you.

For those of you know someone who has experienced sexual assault or violence, believe them. Be there and listen to what they want and what they need. Love them and remind them of the good, because there is so much more good than bad in the world.

For those of you that have read this far, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I hope to have impacted you for the better.

-sb :)

[to-the-person-who-broke-me]

Why???

As we live every day, we thought that we are so healthy because we don’t feel that we are sick. am I right?? But let me tell you my story. when I was young, I was so energetic, hyper, always dancing and playing. I never thought that 1 day some of these diseases will come out one by one. why did I say one by one?? Is it too many for a person who never felt pain or any of it before??? Yes, maybe we can say that almost of the diseases in our family’s gene had been passed to me.

           The first disease that has been diagnosed to me was “SCOLIOSIS” many people nowadays knows it, but do you have knowledge about it?? Some people are judging those who have it especially when the person fall in line on a PWD lane their eyes are telling “bakit sya nakapila doon?? Di naman sya pilay, di naman sya mukhang pwd” I was bothered when I read this from one of the person on our group on FB I am ashamed of those people that think being PWD should always be obvious physically because I was planning to get a PWD card so I don’t have to fall in line for hours or just for minutes specially at supermarkets. You know it really hurts to have this disease specially my curve is on the lower back. There are many types of SCOLIOSIS, I was diagnosed with THORACIC DEXTROSCOLIOSIS the curve is bending on the right because “dextro” means right while thoracic means something about the “thorax” and thorax is somewhere located at the waist. too cold temperature makes the pain worst, hard back of a chair makes the pain worst, unalleviated chair or anything that we can sit on makes the pain worst. sometimes you can see me slouching because it’s hard to sit on a straight back for a couple of hours. Is there any cure??? Yes, there is when it gets severe I can ask for operation, does it cost much?? Yes, it is that’s why somehow I’m preventing it to get worst. They said I can take therapy but it also cost much, “why don’t you just wear a brace??” Do you know how much it cost??? It cost 5000-10000 USD and I might not be comfortable wearing it especially when I’m working. So I hope you’ll understand when I can’t carry heavy things to help you. Back then when I’m in high school my classmates always telling me “mag straight back ka kasi” If alam lang nila I really want to but it hurts so much when I try that’s why I’m always kuba or ukos in Kapampangan. My shoulders are not even but as I grew older I managed to straighten it little by little, my shoulders kind of good right now and I can straighten my back for a couple of hours but the pain still there specially when it’s too cold, it’s hard to sleep.

           The second disease that was diagnosed to me was MVP (mitral valve prolapse) and attached to this, I also have hyperthyroidism that’s why if you can see my neck or throat is a little bit bulky in front likes I have an adam’s apple before I thought maybe it’s just because I am thin but I’m wrong. What is MVP?? MVP means that one of the valve in your heart is leaking or it’s not working/pumping properly. In my case the left valve is the one leaking because of it my heart can’t pump blood properly through my body that’s why I seem like I am an anemic person but I’m not. Also because of it my heart beats fast and somehow my hyperthyroidism is contributing to its fast beating too. What is the normal heart rate of a person?? 60-80 bpm right?? Mine was 100-120 bpm that’s my normal heart rate EVERYDAY from the moment I wake up until I close my eyes to sleep. Palpitation is part of my everyday life. May mga bawal ba saken na kainin or gawin?? Yes, there is di ako pwede sa mga foods na may caffeine like coffee, coffee flavoured food mapa candy or biscuits or pastry man yan even mocha and cappuccino flavored food which I really love It’s my fave. When it’s all start?? The doctor said that it was inborn so it means since when I came out to this world meron nako. Buti ngayon mo lang nalaman? Di ko din alam kasi back then mahilig pa kong sumali sa mga activities sa school like dancing I really love dancing pero ngayon I can’t barely do it. Lagi pa ko sumasali ng mga cheerdance and I also dance pag may mga program. Active din ako sa mga activities sa PE subject naming like playing some street games mahilig pa kami nun tumakbo around the campus nararamdaman ko yung pagod pero hindi ko nararamdaman na may problem ako sa heart. Nung nagcollege ako mahilig pa din ako sumali sa mga activities lalo na PE puro sayaw halos araw araw yung practice nun pero wala pa rin akong nafeel na may problema saken until naggraduate ako and nagkawork na. I work as a call center agent before and dun nagtrigger yun heart disease ko pero bago yun nakasali pa ko sa flash mob site competition nun halos sobrang pagod din yung gabi kayo nagpapractice hanggang umaga siguro naabuse ko yung sarili ko but you can’t blame me because I didn’t even know I have it, if alam ko lang from the start na meron ako sana naalagaan ko yung sarili ko di ko na sana pinagod yung sarili sa mga activities noon. It all start nung isang araw na uminom ako ng kape. Mahilig ako sa coffee honestly it doesn’t matter if it is hot or cold basta feel ko uminom ng kape iinom ako until one day that change my life and stop me from drinking it. Off ko nun and then I made some ice cold coffee kasi super init noon. When I already finished my cup I felt na para akong magkocollapse so humiga muna ako kasi baka dahil kulang ako sa tulog or stress lang sa work I slept for an hour and nung tumayo ako ganun pa din nararamdaman ko hinayaan ko nalang the next day okay na ko nakapasok nako ng work. While taking a call siguro mga 2am na yun nafeel ko na nahihirapan ako huminga and medyo nahihilo ako so I asked my coach to take the call for me since hindi maganda pakiramdam ko. The next day di ako pumasok para makapagpahinga ako bago ako magpacheck up. So yun the next day after pumunta nakami ng doctor pinag run nya ko ng mga labtest ECG, TSH and 2D ECHO wag nyo na itanong magkano mga yan kasi mahal talaga mga labtest para sa heart. So when the result came out ayun nadiagnosed ako na meron akong Cardiac dysrythmmias; Stable agina r/o Hyperthyroidism or MVP. I already prayed na sana wala or maging negative na stressed lang ko or pagod pero wala ganun talaga maybe I’m destined to have it. The doctor said na hindi dapat ako mastress and mapagod, when I heard of it na may MVP ako and after nya inexplain na dapat habang di pa malala yung leak ng valve is makapagpaopera nako kasi pag naging severe na di nako makakapagwork wala nakong magagawa sa buhay ko. The doctor said that they need to repair the valve inside they will replace it with a new one but the chances is 50/50 because it’s an open heart surgery nung narinig ko yun natakot ako kasi open heart imagine bubuksan nila yung heart mo so machine lang muna yung magpapabuhay sayo while they are operating and it will also cost half a million. Saan naman kami kukuha ng ganung kalaking halaga ng pera di ba? Di naman kami ganun kayaman and usually sa mga health insurance ng mga company di nila kinecredit yung inborn diseases. I felt that my world fell apart at that moment until we decided to go home binigyan nalang ako ni doc ng mga maintenance medicine na until now tinetake ko. This medicine will prevent my heart for somehow getting worst. Nakakainis lang yung mga tao na pag sinabihan ko na wag ako gugulatin or pag uminom ako ng kape is mamatay ako tatawanan lang like I was just joking for them OA ba pakinggan?? But that’s the truth. It’s so hard to have this kasi anytime pwede ka madeads specially pag sumobra pagod or sobrang init. That’s why as much as possible iniiwasan ko lahat ng yan but still I can go out and I can still travel by myself. But not until one day, one day that will stop me from commuting by myself.

           A disease that will make my normal life complicated. When this occur di nako sa callcenter nagwowork, sa isang logistic company nako nagwowork nung nangyari saken, yung para saken pinaka nakakadown na sakit na nagkaroon ako. I love music so much yung tipong kahit saan ako pumunta lagi akong nakaheadset. Headset on volume louder, music is my escape from the real world. I feel so energetic kapag nakikinig ako ng music while working with my headset on bakit ko ‘to sinasabi anong connect sa susunod na madadiagnosed saken?? Malaki, kasi after ako madiagnose nito di nako pwede magheadset or di na ako pwede makinig ng mga malalakas na music specially yung malalakas ang bass or kahit maingay lang bawal. On that day, morning shift ako 8am pasok ko nun so tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa araw araw pag sakay ko ng trike nagheheadset nako while riding a tricycle I felt dizzy all of a sudden pero di ko pinansin sandali lang kasi mga 2secs lang so tumuloy padin akong magtravel papuntang work nung bumaba nako sa harap ng Jollibee sa Dau yung after ng samsonville, habang nag aabang ako ng jeep papuntang maingate biglang umikot paningin ko nakaheadset pako nun di ko pa tinanggal ayaw tumigil ng pag ikot ng paningin ko wala pa naman tao dun at that time akala ko mamatay nako napaupo nako sa sahig habang nakakapit ako sa fence ng tree nasugat pa nga ako nun sa sobrang kapit hanggang may 2 students na dumaan nilapitan ako at nilalakad nila ako papasok ng Jollibee binigyan ako ng tubig ng crew medyo nahimasmasan ako nun wala pa naman akong load at that time kaya di ko alam pano ko kokontakin parents ko or yung office namin buti nalang pinahiram ako ng cellphone nung mga tumulong saken una kong tinawagan yung TL ko sinabi ko yung sitwasyon ko at di ako makakapasok after nun kinontak ko na tatay ko nagpeprepare sya nun papuntang work nagpapasundo ako sakanya kasi talagang di ko kayang umuwing mag isa nakiusap sya dun sa kapitbahay naming na tricycle driver na sunduin ako sa Jollibee and then nung nakauwi nako humiga agad ako at nagpahinga kasi baka kulang lang ako sa tulog pero as the days goes by ganun pa din nangyayari saken paulit ulit 1week akong di nakapasok sa work so nagdecide nakong magpacheck up nanaman inexplain ko sa doctor yung nangyari saken tapos nagrun sya ng mga physical test sabi nya may Menieres disease ako nagkocause nito is yung too much loud noise after nun pumunta din ako sa EET meron din daw akong Positional vertigo kaya pag natutulog ako di ko kaya humiga sa right lagi akong nahihilo o diba dalawa agad. Nagkocause din daw toh ng sudden deaf or nagiging mahina yung pandinig ng isang tao kaya pala minsan kahit malapit na yung taong nagsasalita or kumakausap saken hindi ko sya maintindihan hanggang ngayon ganito ako kaya pag nagsasalita ako parang lagi akong galit sabi nga nila, kasi minsan di ko marinig ng maayos yung sarili ko at nasanay nadin siguro ako ganun magsalita so sorry po if akala nyo lagi akong galit. Please just understand me.

           Back then I thought na napakamalas kong tao kasi isipin mo daming nadiagnosed saken it came to the point na nadepress ako at nagkaanxiety dahil sa mga ‘to. Sino ba naman kasi ang mag aakala na sa liit ng katawan na ‘to daming sakit ang naglabasan. Minsan natatanong ko kay GOD bakit ako?? Bakit ako pa yung kailangan magkaroon ng maraming sakit masama ba kong tao?? And then I will cry so hard alam mo yung umiiyak ka ng walang boses super sakit nun sa dibdib. Halos gabi gabi ako umiiyak noon kasi lagi ko naiisip di nako mabubuhay ng normal di ko na magagawa yung mga gusto kong gawin or yung mga dati kong ginagawa. Di nako lumalabas samin or pumupunta kahit saan. Di nako makapagcommute lagi nalang akong nakaservice until now kasi andyan padin vertigo ko di parin nawawala yung pag gising mo pa lang hilo ka na hanggang sa pagpasok mo sa work hanggang sa pag uwi ko buti nga nakakaya ko pa pumasok kung di lang siguro ako nakaservice di nako makakapagtrabaho ang hirap sobrang hirap ng pinagdadaana ko araw araw yung feeling na gumigising at nagtatrabaho ka nalang para lang mabuhay araw araw. Dumating din ako sa point ng buhay ko na gusto ko ng mamatay yung hinihiling ko na kay GOD na kunin na nya ko kasi di ko na kaya hirap na hirap nako. Minsan din pag mag isa ako naiisip ko magpakamatay tapos magpepray nalang ako kay GOD nun na bigyan nya pa ko ng lakas ng loob para mabuhay. Walang may alam ng pinagdadaanan ko noon kung hindi ako lang kalian lang naman ako nag open up sa mga kaibigan at few family members pero di ko lahat nasasabi sakanila kasi baka di rin nila ako maintindihan dami kasing taong akala nila alam nila lahat yung nangyayari sayo even though wala naman talaga silang alam. Before you tell me anything please fill in my shoes first so alam nyo kung bakit mas pinili ko yung buhay na ganito kaysa gawin yung mga bagay na sinasabi nyo. Yung iba laging tinatanong bakit di kana gumagala? Bakit di mo kasi try magcommute ulit?? Bakit wala ka ng social life?? Bakit mo kasi inaalagaan sakit mo?? Bakit di mo try mag exercise?? Bakit di mo ienjoy yung buhay mo, alam mo yung YOLO?? Sinanay mo kasi sarili mo di nagkocommute. At pinakaworse at pinaka ayoko na sinasabi nila “nasa isip mo lang yan, wag mo kasi masyadong isipin”. Sinasabi ko sa sarili ko kung nasa isip ko lang ‘to edi sana wala na napaka strong ng mind ko high yung tolerance ko sa pain madalang lang ako uminom ng painkillers kasi sineset ko sa mind ko na mawawala din yung sakit o diba edi kung nasa isip ko lang yung mga sakit edi sana magaling nako. Pero hindi e di naman ganun kadali yun specially pag dumadating yung depression sayo lahat ng tao alam ang depression pero di sila knowledgeable tungkol dito ang alam lang nila sakit sa utak pag nadedepress ka nababaliw ka or tulad ng sinabi ko kanina nasa isip lang. pag sinabihan mo yung tao ng ganyan tapos ganito yung pinagdaanan nya sa buhay at pinagdadaanan pa di mo sya natutulungan lalo mo syang dinadown tulad nung mga taong nagsasabi saken ng mga ganun akala nyo ba natutulungan nyo ko pag sinasabi nyo mga yan saken?? Hindi, bumababa selfesteem ko pag nakakarinig ako nyan yung minsan naghohold ako ng grudges sa mga taong nagsasabi nyan yung minsan gusto ko magwala, yung gusto kong manuntok ng tao at ibuhos lahat sakanya alam nyo yung feeling na ganun. Mas pinili ko yung buhay na ganito kasi wala akong napeperwisyong tao, ayoko manira ng mga happy moments kaya di ako sumasamang lumalabas, mas gusto kong sa bahay lang mas kumportable ako mas kalmado ako di ko naiisip na magiging pabigat lang ako sa mga tao pag sumama ako lumabas. Mas masaya nako ng ganito lumalabas naman ako pag family gathering kaya okay na saken yun, yung mga kaibigan ko alam naman din nila na di nako mahilig lumabas kaya dito nalang din kami sa bahay nagkikita kita. Akala ko after ng vertigo ko tapos na yung wala ng dadagdag pa, kung kalian nakakamove on nako at medyo di na din ako sinusumpong ng depression may lumitaw nanamang bago.

           November 12, 2016 first operation ko nadiagnosed ako na may Ovarian cyst at this time tinry ko maging strong. Nung sinabi ni doktora na as much as possible need kong maopera para matanggal yung cyst kasi pag di daw natanggal kaagad yung lalo dodoble daw yung sakit and worst is magbuburst sya sa loob at maiinfection yung dugo ko. So I decided right away na maoperahan ako. Inasikaso ko lahat ng mga documents na kailangan buti nalang yung health insurance ng company namin kinocover nila yung ganitong operation maswerte ako kasi di ko kailangan maglabas ng malaking halaga which is wala naman kami. So after ko na mabigay yung documents na kailangan pinaglabtest nako ni doktora naubos yung ipon ko sa mga labtest pero okay lang atleast di gumastos yung parents ko galing lahat sa sarili kong bulsa. Ayoko na din kasi maging burden sakanila lalo na wala ng work si papa nun. Sabi nga nila nag iipon daw ako para lang may pambayad ako sa mga ganito para saken okay lang naman atleast ready ka di ka na mamomroblema kung san kukuha ng panggastos di ba? So yun after ng mga labtest at makakuha ng mga clearances sa doctor ko sa heart. Naoperahan nako, sabi nga ni doktora napakatapang ko daw kasi as in ako lang mag isa lahat nag ayos para lang maoperahan ako di namroblema yung parents ko saken. 5 days ako sa hospital after nun nakauwi nakami 2 moths ako di nakapagwork pero okay lang kasi bayad naman. So nung naging okay nako nakakatayo nako mag isa and every day thankful ako kasi mabilis yung naging recovery ko from the operation. As the days goes by I tried to be strong and tough ayoko kasi ipakita sa mga tao na nahihirapan ako na deep inside down na down ako at umiiyak. As much as possible tinatawa ko nalang para di ko maisip yung mga pinagdaanan ko at pinagdadaanan pa. Pag nga tinatanong ako ng “may sakit ka ba?? Bat ang tahimik mo??” nasasagot ko nalang matagal na matagal nakong may sakit. I’ve never been okay kahit minsan sinasabi ko na okay lang ako because at the end of the day pag mag isa nalang ako at wala nakong kausap pumapasok lahat sa isip ko yung mga pinagdadaanan ko minsan di ko mapigilan mag overthink at umiyak lalo na pag naalala ko yung mga bagay na nagagawa ko dati at kapag yung mga taong nagsasabi saken ng mga negative words tulad ng mga binanggit ko kanina naiiyak ako kasi di ko naman ginusto maging ganito e. sino ba naman may gustong magkaroon ng maraming sakit di ba?? Wala, walang may gusto. Gusto ko ulit mabuhay ng normal but this is the best thing that I can do to prevent any of these diseases getting worst. I hope after reading this you will fully understand me and what I’ve been through all my life di kami mayaman kaya iniiwasan kong mahospital. Don’t tell me that YOLO thing, kasi iba yung meaning nyan sa ibang tao para sakanila minsan lang tayo mabubuhay kaya dapat gawin natin lahat ng gusto nating gawin mamamatay din naman tayo for me di ganun ang YOLO yes you can do anything you want but with precautions kailangan mo padin iconsiderate yung health mo, ou magagawa mo yung gusto mo pano kung after nun may mangyari sayo o sasabihin mo “okay lang atleast nagawa ko yung gusto kong gawin” kahit na mag alala yung parents mo sayo?? Kahit dahil doon papahirapan mo pa yung parents mo di sila makakatulog ng maayos gabi gabi dahil sa kakaisip sa nangyari sayo?? O baka sabihin nyo negative thinker ako telling you this doesn’t mean na pessimist ako. We only live once nga di ba so isang beses lang tayo mabubuhay why don’t we just took care of ourselves and stop being burden to our parents or to other people mas maganda ng ikaw lang ang mahirapan at wag na ang parents mo. Para pag may nangyari sayo wala kang sisihing iba. Ganun na ako mag isip ngayon selfish man pakinggan pero that’s the best thing that I can do. Ayoko ng may mga tao pang mahirapan dahil saken or dahil sa kalagayan ko. Sana intindihin nyo lang ako instead of saying words that bringing me down dapat encouraging words yung mga sinasabi nyo at hindi mga ganun. You should help me put my self-esteem high not pushing me down. Yun lang naman yung reason bakit ko ‘to pinublish para bigyan kayo ng knowledge about my diseases kasi alam ko madami dyan yung akala nila alam nila lahat pero hindi, na para sakanila ordinary lang yung mga sakit ko na hindi naman kadepress depress na pwede ko padin gawin yung mga ginagawa ko dati. I hope this will open your mind na hindi lahat ng para sainyo is okay e okay din sa iba. Yun lang po salamat :)

[brazenedminstrel]

For the WoW fic To Take Flight by @sylvanas-lesbian-harem My twitter Rey’s twitter My ko-fi Rey’s ko-fi

Read the fic!

I have made several celtic/folk songs, but most of them aren’t orchestral. They’re either for a small ensemble or for a solo instrument. I’ve only made one other orchestral folk song, called A New Dawn (which I’ll publish soon too). Thus, this one was a really nice challenge.

Analysis under the read more!

Intro (0:00 - 0:11) A solo bassoon starts the song, as the story starts with Alleria’s POV. This is a coincidence however, but still a funny detail.

Flight (0:12-2:22) This was the melody I composed when first thinking of dragons. Quite literally, a soaring trumpet takes the lead around 0:21, leading in to the flute/clarinet melody at 0:35. This melody, and the one in Theme, is vaguely inspired by celtic folk music, since I also associate that style with dragons. This melody is meant to evoke the wind blowing through the elves’ hair, the rush of their dragons’ wings as they fly.

2:07-2:19 is meant to portray the moment between Alleria and Sylvanas, just before they flee, which is why there is a tense pizzicato string melody underneath the harp and tubular bells. This melody later returns at 3:12, in Chase, because the chase scene starts after that little moment. I took a melody form the Chase section to get tension in the music.

While this section of the song knows quieter parts, it never slows down, so the thrill never gets totally lost. All the way until the end (2:23) where a violin line leads the song into its second part.

Theme (2:23-3:06) The main string ostinato is in rhythm not too different from the one that plays in Flight. After a brief tempo change, slightly slowing down form 135 to 120 bpm, I introduce some percussion. Near tribal, folksy percussion.

Like the previous part, this section follows a very conventional line of string+French horn accompaniment under woodwind melodies. I love this particular melody, because it’s very airy and stands out from the accompaniment due to its high pitch, yet it’s not ear-gratingly high, as flutes sometimes get. The second voice is played by clarinet, illustrating the bond between Vereesa (flute) and Jaina (clarinet). I’m also quite proud of the polyphony, the complicated second voice underneath the first one. It’s been some time since I pulled off such a good set of melodies.

The section 2:42-2:50, with its harsh, accented drums and the low strings, is meant to portray the lurking danger that surrounds Alleria in the first battle scene. That and I just like low strings, they’re cool.

Chase (3:07-3:36) Honestly, the chase scene is my current favourite part of the fic. Not because I like seeing Vereesa nearly die. Of course not, how could you think that?!

This section is the complete opposite of the last one. Brass accompaniment, very harsh in comparison to the rest of the song. The melody by high strings and woodwinds (yes, the brass is the low section here, not the strings), was a last second addition.

This section, mainly the brass and percussion, was originally intended to be a separate song, for the aforementioned chase scene. Maybe I’ll expand on it once, add some shrieky flute and some more snappy percussion.

The Queen (3:37-4:00) Alexstraszaaaa

Of course, the Dragon Queen deserves her own section. The moment at 3:37, with the horn starting the melody, is for me the moment where she spreads her wings and takes to the sky. What follows is a buildup of brass, all very harmonious because that is what she stands for.

The accompaniment is some steady percussion, coupled with tubular bells and strings which constantly switch between two notes. The latter is composed like that to give the brass all the space it needs for its harmonies.

Theme (4:01-4:48) Nothing new here, it’s the same melody and the same accompaniment as the earlier version of Theme.

[manjuhitorie]

Meetia Polaris Interview - English Translation

Original Interview/Text: Sotaro Yamada Edit: Yukari Yamada  Summary: POLARIS [First section: Overseas. Opinions on the sensations amidst the live shows. Unexpected differences and song choices, Rie resolution over overseas aspirations.  Second section: Polaris backstory and Naruto talk. Unique touches and each member impacting the songs in ways of their own conscious volition. Third section: Strengthening values, wo being indulgent, yg being perceptive, Yuma being caring, SND being SND. Fourth section: RIVER FOG, CHOCOLATE BUTTERFLY backstory. Style agreements. Fifth section Nichijou to Chikyuu no Gakubuchi backstory. Is such persistence okay. It turned out great but,, okay.]

[We don’t keep our boundaries inside or outside of the country]

After Hitorie kicked of their “UNKNOWN-TOUR 2018“LOVELESS” tour in 2018, they added two appearances in Taiwan and Shanghai, then was their two-man project “nexUs TOUR 2018”, furthermore their tour of China and such. I get the impression they were quite busy with live shows. Especially the first overseas appearance, frankly how was it? 

Yumao: The best of the bestest ain’t it. There were such many reactions I’ve never experienced before, it was quite the stimulation.

Shinoda: Also the cheers they do in China seem to be really really loud. From the first shout it was already ridiculous. I thought I was gonna lose my ears. 

Yumao: The audience’s pace on the Japan side is to hype over uptempo songs and to quietly listen to downtempo songs, but in China there was none of that. They were hyped up the whooole time. If I put in extremes, from beginning to end it was like “Uwaaag!”

So it’s that different from Japan. With music there are songs which feel more of the quietly listen variety rather than hype up.

Yumao: But it seems like the “listen” type of songs are more popular. 

Shinoda: The songs that were supposed to be trendy in Japan are insignificant over there. They aren’t even included in rankings of favorite songs. It seems like ballad type songs are liked there.

Specifically which song is popular?

wowaka: It’s included in an album from around when we debuted “Imaginary Monofiction”, called “(W)HERE”. A so-called ballad type of song with a BPM of around 120~130 and a goopy melody. Regardless the second we hit the intro, the entire venue went “Uwaaah!!”.

Yumao: Yeah yeah. It was like “Gyaaaaaah!!!”

wowaka: Such a reaction was unexpected. We had at least heard from the event staff beforehand that “(W)HERE was really liked there but, I couldn’t even imagine they would erupt into such an crazy cheer the first second we started. The level of intensity was even about the same in every venue too. 

So is the popularity of “Imaginary Monofiction” especially high?

wowaka: It doesn’t seem like that’s the case either. 

ygarshy: I theorized that the tempo when the body naturally feels good and takes motion is different there. When we perform “(W)HERE” in Japan everyone seems to recognize it as a type of ballad as they indulge, but in China they were pumped up for this song. Maybe riding such tempos is normal over there, I thought. 

Shinoda There wasn’t anything like a mosh either.

Yumao: There were also people who were jumping for joy but, it was more as if they each had their own way to freely ride the beat. When I looked at the audiences faces, everyone’s pick point was different.

In Japan there are bands who achieve a decent amount of success and then completely alter their aim towards the overseas scene. On the other hand there are bands who thoroughly focus on the national scene. Which direction is Hitorie heading?

wowaka: This year was only our first overseas live but, overall it was a expansion of what we've always done. The desire to gain more range and listeners was there from day one of Hitorie, after all. It’s not as if we’ve pretty much conquered Japan so now the next step is to go overseas, it’s more that we’re going to be dashing inside and outside of the country. 

Shinoda: It doesn’t matter whether it’s overseas or national, if we can do it then I would wanna go anywhere.

wowaka: If we could do a show on Mars we would (laughing).

Yumao: We put together the China tour in the first place because there was a necessity to; if there’s a place where we’re wanted, then, I think we would go anywhere. We don’t keep our boundaries inside or outside of the country.

wowaka: We still have a much to finish delivering around Japan also. 

[For ‘Polaris’ I wanted to clearly convey those words, those sentences]

Your new song “Polaris” is the ending theme for the anime “BORUTO -NARUTO NEXT GENERATIONS”. I want to know how conscious of the anime’s content were you as you created the song. 

wowaka: We did write if for the anime so, parts of it were sucked in. As for what I remember, I was in high school right when the “NARUTO” anime started, and the people who represented the theme songs were ASIAN KUNG-FU GENERATION and ORANGE RANGE. Such powerful awesome bands. It gave me the impression that “Any artist who represents the OP or ED of ‘NARUTO’ is a badass”, and for a middle~high schoolers at the time, I remember “NARUTO” being a gateway to both anime and music. That’s why in sight of writing this song I read every single volume of “NARUTO” and “BORUTO”. 

ygarshy: That’s why in terms of ‘NARUTO’ or ‘BORUTO’, I don’t feel a strong bond with it as much as I feel it's a natural occurrence.

wowaka: For our generation it’s something that’s so essential, it exists like air does. I never thought I would have the chance to affiliate with it, it makes me want to show it to my old self.

It’s a true pop song, it makes one want to sing when they listen to it. Personally I always felt Hitorie had many songs that were too difficult for ordinary people to sing. Yet this time the fast complex part arouses the desire of “This would feel good to sing”. I believe this is a huge transformation for you but, was there any sort of transformation in your mindset?

wowaka: During the “Loveless” tour, there was a definite breakthrough within me. Simply put, I was able to go undecorated and show my naked self to other people. I felt I was able to go up on stage without putting up a cool front, and throw “My individuality I want to display” and “What I deem precious” towards our listeners. Just when I was pondering over what I’m going to do next with this new me, we received this request. I imagine a lot of middle~high schoolers are watching “BORUTO”, so I had thought about how I could convey my sensations in an uncomplicated manner. I want to release myself from complicatedness, is also another way I had felt. As a result, the song attained it’s tone and it’s words. I wanted to clearly convey these words, these sentences.

Shinoda: During the recording, we put a lot of attention into whether or not the lyrics would properly permeate your brain even if you were in a state of nothingness. 

wowaka: I wanted to make it into a song that would linger in your brain even if you sort of listened to it right before falling asleep.

I know wowaka writes the base of the songs but, when this song was first revealed to you what did you think?

Shinoda: I don’t know if this is the correct way to say this but, sometimes the chorus melodies he writes are so intense, that they’re almost intrusive. This time it was at a different angle from that stuff, I thought it was such a good melody for a change. Also, the guitar in the chorus isn’t complex. Halfway through that part so complicated I think it’s going to kill me does burst out but, the chorus is done really really simple. That’s for the sake of making sure the focus is on the voice and the words. 

Though the drums before the chorus are so pounded they’re almost perverted.

Yumao: Past the second chorus right. That was definitely because I thought “I better do this”. The parts where I could freely fill-in the blanks were only that one I think. Anyway I simply wanted to make it flashy, the result was that sorta blast.  

Shinoda: That part is what, “Watch me do this ’n hardcore mode”.

Yumao: Yeah yeah. I thought at least it would be okay for me to go crazy there.

wowaka: I had the feeling of how ”I want to fully and clearly convey what I’m saying to anyone who is listening”, equally as much as I had “I want to do something that spikes out”. I wanted to make “Easy to understand” and “Everything Hitorie has done up until now” collide in a good way.

Thanks to that collision the melody sounds even more pretty. Then what about you ygarshy?

ygarshy: Of course I aimed to bring the voice to life but, for me personally, simplifying my play to bring the voice to life sounds wrong. My thought process was more about how, the lyrics are like this over a melody like this, so I should do this. This time I used the lyrics and melody as the basis for the note writing. So I think it  emerged as a performance that conveys us directly. 

You consider the meaning of the lyrics as you write.

ygarshy: Of course I aimed to bring the voice to life but, for me personally, simplifying my play to those ends sounds wrong. My thought process was more about how, the lyrics are like this over a melody like this, so I should do this. This time I used the lyrics and melody as the basis for my note writing. So I think it emerged as a performance that conveys us directly. 

That is extremely persuasive.

wowaka: There are times when we develop the song based on the instrumentals but yeah. This time the melody and lyrics came first.

[The more you confront things the more you confront how “alone” you’re becoming]

From everyone else’s perspective, do you think wowaka’s song and lyric writing has transformed in anyway these past few years?

ygarshy: Of course I think there’s parts that have come to change, and his ability to write is truly starting to evolve. Though, once he enters one mode, then next, he’ll enter the opposite mode, that part of him won’t change.

 What do you mean by “mode”?

ygarshy: Put simply, it’s whether he’s holed up inside or opening up. He produces on that pendulum.

Was he more open this time?

ygarshy: He’s opened up as soon as he’s closed, sort of character.

Shinoda: Also in this single, there’s one song that anyone would say is eccentric, no matter how they listen to it. “Ah, this guy also goes in this direction ehh” is what I thought. It’s amusing because every once in a while he’ll smack us with this type of surprise punch. The way he entrusts us has also changed I feel. He doesn’t get firm and ossified, he more candidly throws the songs at us. And we’ve learned how to properly answer. 

 Is that, trust, I suppose?

Shinoda: …….Do ya think it’s trust?

wowaka: Haha (laughing). Between music production and life, everything, the members and staff were always there. More than entrust to them… they’re always there.

You speak of “always there”, but the word “Alone” shows up a lot in your lyrics wowaka. Is the sense that you’re alone still strong?

wowaka: That sense itself is actually getting stronger and stronger. Doing things with people who are “always there” and being “alone” are, by definition exact opposite, aren’t they. Yet, they’re existing completely simultaneously.

Yumao: Well, the more you do things the more you get like that.

wowaka: It’s not something only I feel right?

Yumao: I think the entirety of humanity can feel it. By simply being with other people, you also have to confront your own self. 

wowaka: The more you seriously confront things the more you confront how “alone” you’re becoming, and the result of continuing to confront is that there’s people you’ll meet and who you can share things with.* Doing that you became a self that can make even better things. If I didn’t have this band I would never have noticed the lonely parts of myself, that I notice now. Only thanks to noticing that am I able to understand the sensation of “always there”, and the happiness that comes with entrusting myself to other people.

That concept also seems to be reflected in the phrase “Go down the road of no one”. By the way, about the word ‘Polaris’, wowaka you had tweeted “Literally it means the north star but this time I made it the title because of a different meaning.” What did you mean by a different meaning?

wowaka: Hmmmm… (Brooding on it for a short while). I don’t want to put this into words (laughing).

Yumao: It doesn’t mean the star? 

wowaka: If you say star then it would simply be a star, wouldn’t it…. I’m often thinking about how I want to be released from the functional roles of words and their meanings. Instead of meanings I want to cherish the “sense of meaning”. This time too the emotions emanated from the song and the title and the artwork are everything. That’s why I dared to say “A different meaning from the North star”. *

The North star isn’t just one star, after all. 3 stars are all overlapping, so when you see it from afar it looks like one star.

wowaka: Ooh…. It’s like a band.

Yumao: That means there’s 2 inside it’s core?

No core, they’re around each other. The 3 look like they’re overlapping to the naked eye, and it releases a strong light, or such.

wowaka: That’s a really good detail. This truly was the perfect title. Amazing.

[RIVER FOG, CHOCOLATE BUTTERFLY: the strange color creation with noise music and a breakdown]

— Shinoda had said it earlier also, the second track “RIVER FOG, CHOCOLATE BUTTERFLY” is a song that doesn’t sound like any song Hitorie ever had before, no matter how you listen to it.

wowaka: We completed this song after Polaris. 

Shinoda: At first we only had the first part completed, and we were going to end it there.

So the noise part in the middle wasn’t included during the initial phases?

Shinoda: It wasn’t. Why did we put that in, tell me again? There was some sort of reason we said “Let’s do improvisation here“.

ygarshy: We wanted to do something that doesn’t connect in a clean way, where a preposterous space appears and connects you to the next climax.

It reminded me of Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”. The electric sounds at the end possess a sadness, it makes me feel regretful when the song ends.

wowaka: That has it added on at the end huh.

Shinoda: We had disputed a bit over whether we should include that part or not though (laughing).

wowaka: Our opinions were split but, in the end I disregarded everything and I put it in myself.

That means there was a side against adding it in, who was that?

Yumao: Me! It’s super good when it’s there, but it’s also super good when it’s not. If that’s the case then isn’t it best not? I thought.

Shinoda: I was also against adding it in. It concludes with a band jam so, I thought it would have been pretty. That way, a synthesizer would be added in.

If you preferred it gone but ultimately it was added in, that means you’ve accepted it from some point.

Yumao: Naw, I accepted it from the beginning. It’s good either way after all.

[The overcoming of trauma: Nichijou to Chikyuu no Gakubuchi]

The third track “Nichijou to Chikyuu no Gakubuchi was originally a Vocaloid song wowaka had made solo. It’s a song that gained popularity even among all of wowaka’s 2011 album “Unhappy Refrain”, so reenacting that song must have required quite some courage. I’m sure “It was better the old way” is an existent voice as well. Why did you pick this song?

wowaka: We had started to perform this song as a band during the “Loveless” tour but…. Why do we do it again?

Shinoda: Out of all the songs on “Unhappy Refrain” I like it the most. Even since when it was first decided I would join Hitorie, I thought “We’re gonna do this song sometime I’m sure”. Yet, it seemed the culprit creator of it couldn’t come to terms with it.

wowaka: This’ll turn into a discussion of long times past but, this song is like the final single drop I squeezed out of myself at the end of the end of “Unhappy Refrain”’s production. I finished it way past my exhausted limits, it exists alongside dreadful memories. In a way it turned into a kind of trauma song for me.

Shinoda: You get such a bitter face when we talk about this.

wowaka: That’s why it’s a song I couldn’t positively face for a long while. There was a period of time when I would even say I hated it.

Yumao: Nevertheless on every occasion Shinoda would continue to play this song, trying to show it’s appeal saying “Why don’t we do this?”

Shinoda: That appeal, during the “Loveless” tour at the head of this year, finally penetrated.

Yumao: At first we only sooort of did it during a studio rehearsal, “It’s this kind of song so the drums will be like this, the bass like this” effort.Once we executed it we said “Wait? This is cool?”*

wowaka: At that pace, we started performing it on the “Loveless” tour despite never playing it live prior. Once the tour ended and it was decided we would release a single, as we were discussing well what sort of songs should we group up with this, Shinoda told us “Wouldn’t it be fine to put ‘Nichijou to Chikyuu no Gakubuchi’ in?”.

Shinoda: This is the first time we’ve ever recorded a song after we vigorously polished it throughout a tour. It was developed in a completely different way than our other songs, so I think this song has the most band sound over anything.

ygarshy: When we did this song on the first day of the “Loveless” tour, my bass amp broke halfway through and I couldn’t make any noise. If there was someone who didn’t get to hear it anywhere but at that live-house (Kyoto ‘Takutaku’), then that would be such a shame. So the fact that we were able to record it like this, personally purifies my regrets.

Yumao: Everyone may think all we did was arrange a Vocaloid song and record it, and well maybe they would have a point but, in terms of our will, that wasn’t in the context. 

wowaka: That’s why I didn’t falter at all.

Such that you conquered trauma.

wowaka: I overcame it I did.

Original Post: http://meetia.net/interview/hitorie-polaris/

[sickouthere]

july 18: let me be me 120 BPM

what are ya 2018 first half favourites

chief keef - mansion musick [tragedies, hand made, uh uh]

rp boo - i'll tell you what! [u-don’t no]

michael beharie / teddy rankin-parker - a heart from your shadow [smooth face, roses] 

don't dj - all love affairs fail but they never end ep 12″ [veles (newworldaquarium 451 dub), two of pentacles] 

haron - wandelaar [wandelaar]

age coin - maybe fake is what i like

benedikt frey ‎- artificial (remixed) 12″ [h for hysteria (i:cube remix)]

priori - noogenesis 12" [noogenesis]

topdown dialectic -  topdown dialectic [untitled b4]

clara! y maoupa‎ - meneo 12" [el ratón]

cruel diagonals - disambiguation [render arcane]

rian treanor ‎- RAVEDIT 12″ [RAVEDIT A1]

glokknine - loyalty kill love [vanish]

dj residue ‎- 211 circles of rushing water [blackline]

starlito - at war with myself too [crying in the car]

knxwledge. x roc marciano - dntaskmefrshit

carl stone - electronic music from the eighties and nineties [banteay srey]

future - beast mode 2 [hate the real me]

john bence - kill [alone/suicide]

khalab - black noise 2084 [zaire]

upsammy - words r inert 12″ [words r inert]

pariah - here from where we are [rain soup]

palta & ti - palta og ti på den tolvte Ø 12″ [seng]

slimmy b - feel my pain [call on]

chevel - in a rush and mercurial [another dimension]

laurel halo - raw silk uncut wood [mercury]

k$upreme - flex muzik 2 [no deal, hang up da phone]

LIL B - MONEY IN MY SPIRIT OUU, YVES TUMOR - NOID, MR TWIN SISTER - ECHO ARMS, G HERBO & SOUTHSIDE FT. YOUNG THUG - 100 STICKS,  LPB.POODY - FRESH OUT DA DENTIST, SKI MASK THE SLUMP GOD & WARHOL.SS - ANKLE, SHY GLIZZY - VLONE, 70TH STREET CARLOS - OVER WITH, LONNIE HOLLEY - I WOKE UP..., DAUGHTERS - SATAN IN THE WAIT, HTRK - MORE TO ENJOY, SKEE MASK - ZEZBO VERSION, TJAY WAVE FT. VALEE - NO PHOTOS PLEASE, ROC MARCIANO - IN CASE YOU FORGOT, VALEE - LOADING & ALLAT, BANDGANG LONNIE BANDS & SHREDGANG MONE - SHRED, ALLBLACK FT. REXX LIFE RAJ & CASH KIDD - Y.N.A.F., TRIPPIE REDD - BLACK MAGIC, BABYFACE RAY X PEEZY - FUCK RAP, MAP.ACHE - MOMENT OF YOUTH

PARIAH, NICK HÖPPNER, WEN + PARRIS salut @ketthens for the tip, BEN UFO / VALESUCHI etc. more hessle etc. etc., @elusiveblogueuse​ balling n parlayin, TEREKKE, BUTTECHNO, SVN, NENE H &&&& BRUCE

[taubenbeats]

Drake - Honestly, Nevermind (Guest Review)

A friend of mine, DJ Half Man Half Horse reached out to me asking to see if I'd be willing to allow a guest review. Hell yeah my man:

Honestly, Nevermind is the name of Drake’s latest release, a divisive release by the Toronto pop legend that no one seemingly asked for. Drake calls upon legendary house DJs (Black Coffee, Gordo) for simple beats which he cuts up and spits out with his over-the-top lyrics and auto-tuned gobbledygook. So how will the Drake formula work here? 

Simply put, it doesn’t. These tracks work best when the artist is nowhere to be found. You have to suffer through some truly awful quick hitters before landing on the first real house break. On “A Keeper”, the lyrically-regrettable build-up is short and stupid. Before the beat break, Drake confesses:

God is okay with me, so;  Life of that shade that you throw; I’ve seen you take it low; Limbo right under that ho; Fuck out my face

This bombastic nothingism is classic Drake, singing religious, aimless punch-backs on top of a shallow house beat that opens up beautifully about a minute later. It all ends too quickly as Drake whispers “Okay, okay” and unironically cuts the fade out before even reaching the the 3-minute mark. Can you even call this dance music? Or is this the Girl Talk-equivalent of a pop superstar who has become a meme, even as he begs to be taken seriously. The reductionism here is baffling; if Drake wanted to honor dance music, it’s nowhere to be found. The next track quickly leads off with a classic Drake build-up, only to be smashed down with a toxic cat call, spitting right in the face of anyone hoping that these tracks are club ready. If you know anyone singing along with this, it might be time to cut them out of your life.

Heralded as dance-heavy album, Drake bros are admittedly upset and confused by the artistic direction here. The rest of the tracks trail off into a wasteland of under-utilized beats and more terrible lyrics. At times, you’d be better served to just put on actual house music, where the drums are served up endlessly and the toxic masculinity is nowhere to be found. 

Overall, the album serves as an indicator that house music is quickly becoming mainstream. But the tracks work best in their original formula. 120 bpm, 8 minute tracks where a beat builds endlessly and possibly never breaks. Drake has been successful in the past with his formulas… building his intros slowly and then exploding out of the gates. It almost works on his track “Massive”, the longest and best track of the record, which relies on a beautiful come-and-go keyboard beat. If the whole album sounded like this, the hitmaker from the 6 could have been on to something. And the next track starts off with that classic minute-late Drake intro, but it’s clear the album has peaked. The next 3 tracks have a level of minimalism never seen before by the artist; finger snaps and airy guitar. Again, who asked for this? 

The auto-tune that is present throughout the album serves as a reminder that Drake simply can’t help himself. He’s a meme now, and even if he’s trying to pioneer a new wave of sound, he’s the hero no one asked for. There’s great beats and breaks here and there, but the spattering of ideas never converges into a coherent sound. The album ends with a 21-Savage feature that flies directly in the face of the rest of the album. It’s as if someone introduced Drake to house music during the pandemic, and his ADHD brain could only process so much of it.

Responding to the immediate memes and criticism of the album, Drake recently said:

“It’s all good if you don’t get it yet. It’s all good, that’s what we do. We wait for you to catch up. We’re in here, though. We’re caught up already. On to the next. My goodness.”

My goodness! Honestly, maybe this is exactly what he wanted. Next up for the hitmaker? A poetry book later this year. 

[44dagainagain]

Supplementary materials for KWLUG LMMS Presentation

I gave a presentation at KWLUG this month about LMMS. Here’s a link to the KWLUG site which embeds the recording: https://kwlug.org/node/1250

This post includes supplementary materials.

First, here’s a link to download the slides: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1r5367PwFZ5y1ZHrW4dJ9Xo-64-xhc22S/view?usp=sharing

Second, here’s an annotated project file for the song that I demonstrated called Lazy Days. This should work with LMMS 1.2.2. I’ve licensed it under CC-BY 4.0, so have fun with it: https://drive.google.com/file/d/17fka1JCFu2qTXbBhXLA8zQm_OibTPnU5/view?usp=sharing

Finally, what follows is the text of the script I was reading. It’s not a 1:1 transcription due to ad-libbing and general waffling but it’s pretty close. I refer to the slides a lot so you might want to keep those open in another tab. The scripted portion goes from the start of the presentation to the beginning of the demo...

The Script

Hey so, I’m Michael Hitchens. I’m a Software Developer by day but hobby musician by night. I sing, play the piano and (really, only recently) is when I’ve started to compose. Composition has been one of those areas that bounced off me for a while until, one day, it just clicked. (This was my quarantine hobby btw) So I’m hoping that, if you’re in the same predicament, then this talk can maybe help it click for you too.

Now, while this is a talk primarily about the program LMMS, I do need to cover some groundwork as well, just to get the most out of the program.

What is LMMS?

LMMS is a digital audio workstation (shortened D-A-W, or more commonly pronounced “daw” (like in “dawn”)). The jargon means that this program was designed to assist in making music, in much the same way that CAD programs assist in designing objects.

On the slides I’ve included a link to the docs because, even though they’re a bit out of date in places, they’re actually pretty well written. Most of my demo is based around them.

There’s also this sharing platform. Now, I haven’t used it but it does look cool. Although it also looks relatively unmaintained and, based on the GitHub issues that I’ve read, it might not be the pinnacle of secure database design. Just be warned.

Digital Audio Workstations

If LMMS is a DAW, then no really what is a DAW? DAWs are a lot like non-linear video editors. You can record and produce multiple bits of audio then mix and match and layer and rework and filter all to your heart’s content, and all without leaving the DAW.

The modern DAW is decades in the making. It’s the culmination of music industry tech and secrets. What if I told you that you could have all the power in this room-sized mixer in your laptop? And more? Oh year and this is just a mixer! DAWs are also a synthesizer, a sequencer, a, a rhythm machine, a recorder, an amp, a cabinet? It’s incredible

Now, the history of audio recording at large (which I’ve entirely left out of this presentation because 40 minutes tic toc) is important in-so-far as you realize that DAWs still crib the aesthetic and mimic the functionality of the analogue systems from days of yore. For example, let’s look at these illustrative LMMS screenshots. The mixer on the bottom-left uses sliders but the instrument volume control on the top-left uses knobs. Why? Well because that’s what they look like on a real mixing board. Why do the synthesizer interfaces on the right all use knobs? Because that’s what eurorack synthesizers look like. Understanding these traditions and embracing them can explain some headscratchers. (For the record, this is one of the reasons that DAWs in general bounced off me for a while)

Other modern DAWS include:

Cubase

GarageBand

Logic Pro

Ableton Live

FL Studio

Pro Tools

(my personal favourite) Reaper

There’s probably a bunch of others I’m missing but they’re all similar at this point. You pick one, you learn it, you use it ‘til you die. These are first-rate packages but they’re also inaccessible mainly due to their high price tags. These things cost up to a thousand dollars. (I’m fudging the numbers here a bit for effect, aside from the Apple products there’s a whole bunch of tiering and stuff they do. Like I got Reaper for $60) On top of that, they have an incredibly steep learning curve. That’s not to say LMMS is a cake walk in comparison, but it does get a hell of a lot more complicated.

(For the record, if I had a Mac, I would totally use GarageBand. It’s actually really really good. The interface is easy to understand and the preset synthesizers and drums sound amazing.)

LMMS is a lot like other DAWs but I’ve found that it has several glaring limitations:

There is no mic recording. There’s no way to hit a record button and record a mic directly into LMMS. Every mainstream DAW has this ability and its clearly missing here

You can import and play samples, but they’re hard to manipulate. They feel much more like discrete static objects rather than pools of PCM data that you can mix and match and blend with other samples. Again, every other mainstream DAW does this well

So that’s not to say LMMS isn’t good, you just have to realize what it’s good for:

Synthesized

MIDI-based

Judicious use of samples (e.g. drums)

(slightly) more intuitive interface

Drag ‘n drop, works out of the box

Music Notation and Music Theory

Two more topics before I get to LMMS.

As much as I want to go over the fine details of the harmonic stylings of 18th century dead white dudes, there’s too much to cover in a 40 minute presentation. I will cover a few fundamentals though because it will give us a convenient and widely used way to communicate about a rather abstract idea. But it is gonna be pretty technical and it’s gonna go pretty fast, so strap in.

The classical way of conveying music information is on a staff, shown here, but I’m not going to go into that too much because LMMS doesn’t directly use it. If you want something tailored to music notation, use MuseScore instead.

However, it uses a similar concept called the piano roll, the image on the right. These two images are equivalent.

Music (as it’s valued by our culture) is a collection of notes (labelled here) on two axes: time and pitch. (Think of it like a 2D graph.)

The Y axis consists of notes from a piano arranged from low (bassy, gravelly, earthy, etc) to high (harsh, shrill, piercing). Humans hear from around 20Hz to 20000hz. (The distance between each note is consistently a semitone, you can look this up later). You can describe these notes by their frequency (for example 440hz) but its more common to use note name (for example A4). (Also something to look up later, valid note names are ABCDEFG, then it repeats. It’s modular arithmetic!)

On the X dimension, notes are read over time from left to right. The basic unit of time is a beat, commonly delineated with vertical bars (which I’ve exaggerated in red here). How fast a “beat” is depends on the tempo. This is measured in beats per minute or BPM. 120 BPM is fairly common, which is nice because it neatly divides into 2 beats a second, or 500ms per beat. To stay on beat, musicians use a metronome. The metronome produces a tone each beat which the musician anticipates or reacts to when performing. The duration of the note can be a beat, a fraction of a beat, or multiple beats.

Beats can then be grouped into bars. How many beats per bar is determined by the time signature. Common time, or 4/4 puts 4 beats per bar. Bars can then be grouped into phrases, and phrases grouped into sections and sections can be grouped into songs.

Independent of bars, we can consider other groupings of notes. On the pitch dimension, notes that play simultaneously are called chords or harmony. This is a C major chord.

MIDI

Close to the heart of the modern DAWs is MIDI, the musical instrument digital interface. You’re probably already familiar with it, a lot of retro DOS games have a MIDI soundtrack. The interface describes note pitch and duration, then its up to an interpreter like your old SoundBlaster to figure out how to turn the D4 its being told to play into a signal that goes to your speakers. My musical keyboard (the Casio CTK-3000, don’t buy it) speaks MIDI out, which I can hook up as an input to my computer over USB and use my computer as a synthesizer. More importantly, I can record the notes for later use. For some (like me) this is a more intuitive interface for inputting musical ideas. However, DAWs do typically have a way to input notes using mouse+keyboard, using the piano roll interface.

We use MIDI because it’s compact and easy to manipulate in fine detail, unlike RAW audio from a microphone which is bulky and takes a lot of computation to do the most basic processing (though the tech is getting better just not widely accessible, see the product Melodyne).

I gloss over the spec details because the minutiae of the protocol framing and messaging are really not that important to us. All we really need to know is that it’s the format used to record my piano.

(At this point I switched to a live demo, for which I had no script.)

[sungjinluciddreams]

Lucid Dreams August Entry: Call Of The Void

Mix: https://soundcloud.com/kimsungjin94/lucid-dreams-august-entry-call-of-the-void

The road is dark and windy, Just another day of mundane existence, Or so I think until I hear it. The whispers of madness expanding from the darkest recesses of my mind Slowly, quietly beginning to resonate within Sweet promises of release A peace of mind that I desperately desire Peace that I haven’t yet found Even though I’ve been seeking it through family, friends, love, money, work, accomplishment, anything And so the yearning begins, though the thought has never once before occurred to you But all I want is release, peace of mind Because I am so. fucking. tired. And permanent sleep sounds... stable I can feel the worn leather in my grip as it tightens, my eyes closing I can still hear the void call: “drift left. Just let go..” I can almost sense my newfound freedom Who would even notice my absence? Such thoughts aren’t important, for the void has ended this constant anxiety, the pain, and anger, terror, and lonliness and bitterness inside The lure of the inevitable pushing me ever closer to a beautifully chaotic end But before I start to drift, realization strikes What if this isn’t the end? My head snaps back, a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions contained within as it all comes flooding back: What if I don’t find that peace? Surely someone cares? What would I be missing? The terror starts to rise in my throat once again, anxiety’s cold grasp settling over my fragile mind once more The void calls again, almost pleading, but the desire is gone, calm seas replaced by waves of rage riddles with questions I will never be able to answer Why me? Why can’t I just be normal? If not Can’t I just pretend? How come this isn’t fair? Well, no one said life was fair, but it doesn’t feel right that it’s this unfair either And with these blank spaces in my mind I stay the course, unsure of why Maybe things do get better, do I believe that? Am I just a coward? Was it logic, or am I just too scared of the unknown? It’s too late to swerve, my body refuses to listen to any command I drive on, already haunted by the ghosts that will return nightly with my insomnia Because I know.. I know.. I can try to ignore it, push it away, erase it from my memory, But I can still hear those empty promises If I just listen carefully, the void calls Do you hear it too?

So when I initially announced that I was doing something like Lucid Dreams, I touched on how fixated I am with dreams, and how they can also come across as nightmares. Dark, twisted complex entities made up of fear, dark desires, and the things we may never admit to the light of day that exist inside of us. Didn’t take me long to dig deep, did it?

Some of you may have noticed, or may have read my post, that my name is different. What happened to StarFoxx? Well, he’s dead, simply put. The name was something I picked when I had first gotten my deck and was mixing with bass and future house with no intentions of it ever being more than a hobby. I thought it was cool with the old school Nintendo throwback, but never particularly cared for the name too deeply, It was just never really something I cared about too deeply until one day I was kind of thinking about the direction my music has been taking within the last 20 months alone and realized that the name no longer fit. It was never really a part of my identity, and I believe that music should be that. It wasn’t a hard decision to make, the name was shallow and gimmicky and should be left for future mainstage wannabes to fight over. With that in mind, I took the time to sit down and really think about my identity, both in music, and who I am now. And after much thought, I realized that both intertwine. Music has shaped and formed so much of my identity and I want to be able to use my identity to shape and form my music. I’ve become very simplistic in both my taste and my style lately, so something simple fit. I needed to pick something that would resonate to me the way my favorite music did. And I found one that did resonate, because it’s mine: Sung Jin. Sung Jin is my Korean name, a part of my identity and who I am since I was born, not some sort of alias or madeup DJ act. And I hope that the realest music will come from the real me. And so the first ever Sung Jin release is this mix: the first ever real themed mix I have ever planned and recorded.

The Call Of the Void is a reference to the moments where one has the sudden urge to jump off of a cliff, or crash their car, etc., etc.. So I wasn’t kidding when I mentioned nightmares, because sometimes things are dark and twisted. So if you’re wondering why this mix is named after that, well this mix is thematically based around an experience I had a little before my 20th birthday, and the first time that the Call Of the Void ever happened to me. My mental health is definitely a topic that I have closed off to all but a few friends and maybe a family member or two because.. well, frankly because it fucking sucks most of the time. I do frequently deal with depression and anxiety, and because of this I also deal with insomnia and severe weight loss due to anxiety-induced stress. This obviously comes and goes in waves to varying degrees, but that moment two years ago was hands down the worst, and something I haven’t really stopped to process or think about much until a little before I stopped to make this mix I opened up to a friend about it. But that and sitting down to create this mix, having to thematically piece together a mix that i wanted to try and capture thoughts, feelings, emotions of that drive within the sounds and titles, really helped me to work through it. I’ve come across the issue like two or three more times since then, but the first time was by far the worst and most terrifying.

Now talking about this mix from a technical standpoint: I’m in uncharted waters here. This is the first mix that I have made completely sans bass/future/any sort of fake, gimmicky, flavor-of-the-month genre of house music that is only referred to as house because it’s 120 BPM, but I digress. This mix is mainly deep/tech/prog house, although I just call them all house music, because it’s what proper house music should be, and this is the style that will fall under the Sung Jin alias.And as I touched on earlier, this is the first mix that I have ever pre-planned and created entirely around one theme. Feel the mood, listen to the lyrics, look at the tracklist, this was all done to try and convey the swirling myriad of emotions and thoughts that were tearing through my mind that night. As a whole, I think that this is my best mix yet, and I’m very excited, but also absolutely terrified, to share it with you guys. It’s strange, using music to characterize an incident to capture feelings highlighting a personal flaw. But I hope I accomplished my goal and that you guys like it.

-  성진

[paradox-oflife]

tagged by @lememecollector

Get to know me uncomfortably well tag: long post warning

1. What is your middle name? It’s Chinese lmao but if you can read it -> 語寧

2. When is your birthday? December 5th

3. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius :3

4. What is your favorite color? Red

5. What’s your lucky number? 12 or 7. These numbers just seem to pop up in my life a lot.

6. Do you have any pets? A very old, old golden retriever. I mean, he’s still healthy, he’s just reaaaal old.

7. Where are you from? Born in Northern California, lived in New Zealand for a chunk of my childhood, but I moved back in like elementary school

8. How tall are you?  153 cm, 5′0 feet tall that's right im a midget square up

9. What shoe size are you? 8.5 or maybe 9 depending on shoe brand

10. How many pairs of shoes do you own? like 4. sneakers, flip flops, semi-formal, and formal shoes

11. What was your last dream about? I have the most vivid and bizarre dreams. Last night, I had a dream about me eating at a restaurant with me friends. And I looked up to the night sky and I could see like, the universe in all its colors and glory. It was beautiful. Also there was something about cocaine??

12. What talents do you have? uuuuh I can play a couple of instruments. piano/cello/ukulele/bass

13. Are you psychic in anyway? define psychic. otherwise not really.

14. Favorite song? Read My Mind by the Killers. Or All These Things That I’ve Done by the Killers.

15. Favorite album? It’s so hard to choose. Top 3 in no particular order: Continuum by John Mayer, Sawdust by the Killers, Bury Me at Makeout Creek by Mitski

16. Favorite movie? Spirited Away. Or maybe Kiki’s Delivery Service. Or Akira.

17. Who would be your ideal partner? Someone who just vibes with me yknow. I can just talk for hours with them.

18. Do you want children? Mm. Not in the near future I guess. If I do, I’d have 2. Because it’s always great to have a sibling.

19. Do you want a church wedding? Yeah. But I don’t like having a really big wedding. I like being low-key.

20. Are you religious? Yeah. I was born and raised Christian. Non denominational, but I guess the closest would be Oneness Pentecostalism? Anyways religion is one of the few things I actually take pretty seriously.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? One time, and it was for stitches. Dumb story.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? No, I will literally get an anxiety attack if I hear police sirens when I'm in the car. I pray that I don't.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities? Nah. Would be cool but idk how i’d react.

24. Baths or showers? Showers, but if I’m feeling it, a bath would never hurt.

25. What color socks are you wearing? Not wearing socks rn B). (also why do Americans not go barefoot more often lol. Its considered normal in NZ)

26. Have you ever been famous? No. I guess it’d be cool to be semi-famous. Like those small youtubers with a thousand subscribers. But I could never handle the pressure.

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Noooo hell no

28. What type of music do you like? Alternative/indie rock

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? LMAO no, and never will. It looks so uncomfortable when you get out. Like... what if there’s bacteria in the water or something.

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two to three

31. What position do you usually sleep in? Honestly I have a hard time falling asleep so im always too tired to really remember

32. How big is your house? My parents house. Pretty decent sized. Average two story American house. Well, im only here until the pandemic is over bc college lol

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cereal or bread.

34. Have you ever fired a gun? The only gun I've ever fired was a nerf gun

35. Have you ever tried archery? No. Never really had a chance.

36. Favorite clean word? Mm... I use chur a lot irl. Then I found out its nz slang and no one actually knows what it means in the states lmao.

37. Favorite curse word? Ah... I don't actually swear that much. Maybe like shit? idk

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? like 18 hours. sorry but I am one hell of a sleeper

39. Do you have any scars? one. very small, hardly noticeable on my cheek.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? Well it wouldn’t really be secret if I knew about it right?? lol. I’ve had three. Two were boys in elementary school, and one was a girl in 10th grade. It was awkward bc im straight but. yeah.

41. Are you a good liar? Im a pretty down to earth person. So I don't lie a lot. But id say im alright.

42. Are you a good judge of character? For the most part, yeah.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? I can do the southern USA accent, like the cowboy movies lol. The surfer accent, “duuuude”, like the turtle from Nemo. Im pretty bad at the Scottish accent. I can do a received pronunciation British accent, which is the standard accent you hear on tv. I can do Australian pretty well. And of course, my original accent, the kiwi accent. The standard one and the Maori one.

44. Do you have a strong accent? Eh. Not really. Sounds pretty American if I’m speaking slowly. But when I’m relaxed or talking fast, people tell me I sound kind of British. So I guess I have some weird combo of nz/american

45. What is your favorite accent? Australian is my favorite in general. But I love listening to thick Scottish accents. They’re so funny idk why

46. What is your personality type? INFP-T

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? A dress for wedding

48. Can you curl your tongue? Yup.

49. Favorite book? Aw man there’s so many. Fahrenheit 451 is always fun to reread

50. Left or right handed? Right handed

51. Are you scared of spiders? um YES

52. Favorite food? my dad’s fried rice hits the spot like no other. I also like green onion pancakes

53. Favorite foreign food? The three colored egg thing idk what its called in English?

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Probably more on the messy side, but I try!

55. Most used phrased? thick kiwi accent: “Oh, chur bro!” or “chur cuzzy!”

56. Most used word? Honestly it’s probably something like dude or bro

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? Maybe 20-30 min on an average day

58. Do you have much of an ego? I try not to, id like to say im pretty humble when it comes to things. maybe too much.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck, but when im bored I CRONCH

60. Do you talk to yourself? Sometimes, usually if its im trying to remind myself of something

61. Do you sing to yourself? In the car usually, but its soft humming most of the time.

62. Are you a good singer? I mean, the most I can do is be on pitch. Nothing ordinary. I whistle like 24/7 in public tho

63. Biggest fear? Externally, probably needles. Internally? My friends are only pretending to like me

64. Are you a gossip? I don’t spread gossip but I listen to it sometimes. Actually, when it comes to the whole beauty community on youtube, I listen to a lot of it.

66. Can you dance? NOPE

67. Can you name all 50 states? Yup

68. Favorite school subject? For me it was orchestra and literature

69. Extrovert or introvert? according to the Myers briggs test im 78% introverted

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No and it makes me nervous

71. What makes you nervous? Everything. Anxiety :)

72. Are you scared of the dark? Nah. I live in a suburban area so nothing really happens, but if I’m out in a major city no thanks

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? Depends how big. If it’s like a typo or something, I don't really care. If it’s something major then I’ll try to correct them

74. Are you ticklish? I used to be. But if you taser tickle me I will scream, or if you squeeze my thigh.

75. Have you ever started a rumor? No

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? Eh ive been the leader of a club before. That’s it.

77. Have you ever drank underage? No!! Dont drink too much when you’re a minor it hurts ur brain :(

78. Have you ever done drugs? No

79. Who was your first real crush? lmao I had one in like 3rd grade but that was a long time ago.

80. How many piercings do you have? I got ear piercings when I was like 8 but I didn't do anything with them and the hole closed lol

81. Can you roll your R’s? Yes

82. How fast can you type? Accurately? around 88 bpm. As fast as I can? more like 120.

83. How fast can you run? I was always more of a explosive runner. But I pretty much sucked at long distance runs. I think my best mile time was like 8:38??

84. What color is your hair? I believe its black/dark brown. can't be sure. im colorblind

85. What color are your eyes? Dark brown.